National Lampoon v1n67 1975-10 Collectors Issue

Big Tit Contest
Underwear for the D e a f Pornography for t h e Dumb
\
^
T h e I lii in*>r >Isn*«*i 11 e
Cuban Homo Farm Ykughn B o d e Memorial

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.
receivers the world
Pioneer believes that any objective Despite this conservatism, the safe circuit protects speakers and
comparison of quality/performance/ SX-1010 far surpasses any unit that circuitry against damage from
price between our new SX-1010, has come before it with an unprece- overloading.
SX-939 and SX-838 AM-FM stereo dented 100 watts of power per
channel, minimum RMS, at no more Outstanding specifications
receivers and any other fine receivers
will overwhelmingly indicate Pioneer's than 0.1% total harmonic distortion. for flawless reception
outstanding superiority and value. Closely following are the SX-939 FM reception poses no challenge to thi
(70 watts RMS per channel, minimum) exceptionally advanced circuitry of
Our most powerful ever. and the SX-838 (50 watts RMS per these fine instruments. Their FM tuner
Pioneer uses the most conservative channel, minimum), both with no sections are designed with MOS FETs,
more than 0.3% total harmonic ceramic filters and phase lock loop
power rating standard: minimum distortion/Dual power supplies
continuous power output per channel, circuitry. The result is remarkable
driving direct-coupled circuitry sensitivity, selectivity and capture rati
into 8 ohm loads, across the full audio maintain consistent high power
spectrum from 20 Hz to 20,000 Hz. that brings in stations effortlessly,
output with positive stability. A fail- clearly and with maximum channel
separation.
SX-1010 SX-939 SX-838
FM Sensitivity (IHF) 1.7uV 1.8uV 1.8u\i
(the lower the better)
Selectivity 90dB 80dB 80dB
(the higher the better)
Capture Ratio 1dB 1dB 1dB
(the lower the better)
Signal/Noise Ratio 72dB 70dB 70dB
(the higher the better)
Total versatility plus innovation!

Only your listening interests limit the "
capabilities of these extraordinary
receivers. They have terminals for
every conceivable accommodation:
records, tape, microphones, head-
sets — plus Dolby and 4-channel
muitiplex connectors. Completely
unique on the SX-1010 and SX-939 is
tape-to-tape duplication while
istening simultaneously to another
program source. The SX-838
innovates with its Recording

There can
be only
one"

switched turnover bass and treble
controls for more precise tonal
compensation for room acoustics and
other program source characteristics.
In their respective price ranges,
these are unquestionably the finest
values in stereo receivers the world
has ever known. Audition their
uniqueness at your Pioneer dealer.
3,025 possible tonal compensations with unique twin stepped tone controls SX-1010 - under $690*; SX-939 -
(SX-1010, SX-939) under $600*; SX-838 — under $500*
Prices include cabinets.
Selector that permits FM recording Master control system capability Also quality-built and more
while listening to records and vice Pioneer's engineers have surpassed moderately priced.
versa. Up to three pairs of speakers themselves with a combination of
may be connected to each model. control features never before found Pioneer's line of receivers
in a single receiver. All three units presents equally outstanding values
INPUTS SX-1010 SX-939 SX-838
include: pushbutton function selection starting at under $250. Shown here
Tape monitor/4-ch. 3 2 2
with illuminated readouts on the are the SX-535 — under $300*;
adaptor SX-636 - under $350*; SX-737 -
ultra wide tuning dial, FM and audio
Phono 2 2 2
muting, loudness contour, hi/low under $400*. All with cabinets.
Microphone 2 2 1 U.S. Pioneer Electronics Corp.,
filters, dual tuning meters and a
Auxiliary 1 1 1 dial dimmer. 75 Oxford Drive, Moonachie,
Noise reduction 1 1 1 Never before used on a receiver New Jersey 07074
OUTPUTS are the twin stepped bass and treble West: 13300 S. Estrella, Los Angeles
Speakers 3 3 3 tone controls found on the SX-1010 90248/Midwest: 1500 Greenleaf,
Tape Rec./4-ch. 3 2 2 and SX-939. They offer over 3,000 Elk Grove Village, 111. 60007/Canada:
adaptor tonal variations. A tone defeat S.H. Parker Co.
Headsets 2 2 1 switch provides flat response
Noise reduction 1 1 1 instantly throughout the audio
4-channeI MPX 1 1 1 spectrum. The SX-838 features when you want something better
Hi^H ^^B
•"." • Sm-- ! jj 1 LJjymjJiBSB ~f^-~t\T £R

E 5M • • • "••» ,'.~ ~ fl
I • O "ft ~i
P '
•
SX-535 SX-636 SX-737

oThe value shown is for informational purposes only and
all other models use walnut grained vinyl top and side pa

If youve got die salt,
Ive sot the'
Nothing gets a good thing going
better than Tequila Sauza. That's
because Sauza is the Numero Uno
Tequila in all of Mexico. And that's
*ause Tequila Sauza—Silver or
-does best all the things
, , My would want Tequila to do.
Try it the classic down-
Mexico way; in a shot glass, with
salt and lime on the side. Or in a
Margarita. Or in a Sunrise, Who
knows where it will all lead?
w*tf*&r-J
mmm
m^y#l I
^S0^-,
s. ^ 5 I ^ B 5 ^ ^ H I » S B ! ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

Prisoners of
Rock and Roll.
A labor of Love.
Bruce Springsteen's
long-awaited
release,
"Born to Run'.'
On Columbia Records
and Tapes.

The new B.I.C. 940.
It eliminates the big disadvantage
common to all high-performance turntables.
"High-performance turntables cost a bundle.
The B.I.C. 940 doesn't. And yet at°about $110°... °
It's a belt-drive instrument with a full 12" platter. Its low-mass tone arm
tracks°magnificently. It has the stylus force and anti-skate adjustments that
are essential for fine-tuning an arm. It has a low-speed (300 rpm), 24-pole motor
which is inherently quieter than motors found in some ^ ^ ^ ^ ^*V * °
turntablesothat cost twice as much. . I »3v S C ^ J
And when you look over its wow, flutter, and rumble ^ i ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
numbers, the standards against wmch experts'measure all turntables, the
940 is right up there with the costliest equipment you can buy.
The B.I.C. is also versatile. It's a multiple-play manual turntable...which
means you can operate it in 3-modes: single-play manual,?single-play
automatic, or when the occasion arises, as a multiple-play turntable that will
handle as many as 6 records.
° There are shinier°turntables made. °
There are turntables with more adjustment features.
° But for pure, clean, accurate reproduction of what is oh your records,
this is the optimum way to spend your turntable dollars.
Ask your audio dealer about the B.I.C. 940 and the 2-year "bee-eye-cee"
warranty. Or write to British Industries, Westbury, N.Y. 11590.
©1975 British Industries Co., a division of Avnet Inc.
Myth and Legend Mirror, 3 1
By P. J. O'Rourke, Sean Kelly, and Louise Gikow
All Creatures,Even Bees, 3 8
By Ted Mann
Cuban Homo Farm, 4 3
By Gerald Sussman and Sean Kelly
The Grand Canyon
By Wayne McLoughlin, with text by Gerald Sussman
Vaughn Bode Memorial, 5 2
Owls and Lugers, 6 1
By Sean Kelly, P. J. O'Rourke, and friends
Big Tit Contest, 6 4
Mayo Clinic, 6 5
By Doug Kenney
Pornography for the Dumb, 6 9
By Norman Rubington
Rape Mysteries, 7 2
By P. J. O'Rourke
The Tenth Circle, 7 3
By Tony Hendra, Sean Kelly, Peter Kleinman
P.S. 1 4 7 Daily Bugle, 7 7
By Karl Tiedemann, Stephen Winer,and Christopher Kelly
The Specialist, 8 2
By Jeff Greenfield
Underwear for the Deaf, 1 0 4
By Michael O'Donoghue
Jl JA.
Editorial, 6
Birdbath, 8
BernieX, 1 1
The National, 15
True Facts, 22
Canadian Corner, 25
Letters, 26
NATIONAL LAMPOON® MAGAZINE: "National Lampoon" is a registered

trademark of National Lampoon, Inc. The Lampoon name is used with the
permission of the Harvard Lampoon, Inc. Copyright© 1975, National Lampoon,
Inc., 635 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022. All rights reserved. Nothing
may be reprinted in whole or in part without written permission from the
publisher. Any similarity to real people and places in fiction and semifiction
is purely coincidental. SUBSCRIPTIONS: Published monthly by National
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10022, or call (212) 688-4070. EDITORIAL INFORMATION: Contact Submis-
sions Editor, National Lampoon Magazine, 635 Madison Avenue, New York,
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scripts, drawings, and photographs submitted if they are to be returned.
Publisher assumes no responsibility for unsolicited material.

Mirable dictu, as Mercedes Mc- publisher collects the
Cambridge said to the Jesuit— stamps from return
strange to relate, that is—the issue envelopes, but that's
you are holding, these shards torn another story.) Every
from the torso of a living tree and day, dozens of un-
smutted with ink, will someday be solicited manuscripts
worth a bundle. Just as you, dear arrive by mail (mostly,
reader, should you live to the age for some reason,
of 115, will be a person of note. from Wisconsin
A collector's item. and Ontario), sub-
Even now, a mint condition copy missions by young
of NatLamp Vol. I, No. 1 sells for writers eager to
fifty dollars in the window of a break into the lu-
nearby Manhattan nostalgia em- crative satire game.
porium, and one can assume that We do not open
the proprietor is charging what the these envelopes.
market will bear. It's worth 666 Two offices are
times the original investment. E a t full of them. Ro-
your heart out, Dow Jones. dents homestead
For there is no flotsam or jetsam therein. Spiders spin
of mass production so trivial, use- their gossamer from heap to
less, or ugly that it is not collected stack. Undiscovered Voltaires wither This is
by a buff. Collected monomaniacal- on the vine. Sensitive Sylvia Plaths one of those issues. A
ly, and hang the expense. get no answer from us, despair, and collector's issue. But it might be
Remember that cardboard box end it all. Jokes date. (I have worth big bucks someday. Look,
under the bed full of baseball cards, peeked into some envelopes. Most- some asshole spent a dollar on it
superhero comics, Mads, fanzines, ly they are about Nixon and excre- already. S.K.
and Naturalist Nudist Volleyball ment. Occasionally, there is a roman Vaughn Bode, creator of Cheech
Magazine? The stuff your mom a clef about jerking off.) Wizard, died in an accident this
threw out your first day at camp? But twice a year, we do not past July. He had been a contrib-
Well, if you had it today, you'd be write the magazine. We go on vaca- utor to this magazine for the past
a rich man. Let that be a lesson to tion. And we assure the publisher four years. His monthly strip was
you. Save this issue. Will it to your that (1) we'll never tell about the avidly followed. On the several oc-
heirs. Stash it away, seal it in plas- stamps, and (2) we have enough casions when we failed to run it,
tic, guard it with your life. Some- "inventory on file." Then we delve our mail ran from outrage to worse.
day, it may put your kids through blindly into the pile, do a fast word Starting on page 52 of this issue,
college. count, have the stuff typeset. We there is a salute to Vaughn. •
We, the editors, collect things, don't read it. (Christ, I'm scared cover photo montage by
too. We collect manuscripts. (Our even to look under a bandaid.) Neal Selkirk & Peter Kleinman
Editors: Tony Hendra, Brian McConnachie, Sean Kelly, Douglas Kenney

Executive Editor: P. J. O'Rourke Associate Editor: John Weidman Art Director: Peter Kleinman
Senior Copy Editor: Louise Gikow Projects Copy Editor: Karen Wegner
Associate Art Director: Mark Hecker Designer: Diana Feldman Assistant Art Director: Liza Lerner
Art Associate: Scott MacNeill Art Apprentice: Eliot Bergman
Contributing Editors: Christopher Cerf, Peter J. Kaminsky, Dean A. Latimer, Ted Mann, Bruce McCall,
Chris Miller, Ed Subitzky, Gerald Sussman, Marc Rubin
Contributing Artists: Arky & Barrett, M. K. Brown, Randall Enos, Shary Flenniken, Dick Frank, Edward Gorey,
Ronald G. Harris, Dick Hess, Bobby London, Stan Mack, Mara McAfee, Wayne McLoughlin, Rick Meyerowitz,
Charles Rodrigues, Alan Rose, Norman Rubington, Warren Sattler, Neil Selkirk, Gahan Wilson
Production Manager: George Agoglia, Jr. Promotion: Peter J. Kaminsky
Staff Assistants: Wendy Mogel, Julie Simmons Press Relations: Janis Hirsch
Publisher: Gerald L. Taylor
T h e National Lampoon, Inc. is a subsidiary of Twenty First Century Communications, Inc.
Chairman: Matty Simmons President: Leonard Mogel
Vice-President, Administration: George Agoglia Vice-President, Sales: Gerald L. Taylor
Vice-President, Finance: Charles Schneider Vice-President, Subscriptions and Product Sales: Howard Jurofsky
Advertising Offices, New York: William T. Lippe, Eastern Advertising Director, Herman Brown, Jr., Account Executive,
National Lampoon, 635 Madison Ave., New York, N.Y. 10022, (212) 688-4070.
Chicago: William H. Sanke, Midwest Advertising Director, 360 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago 111. 60601, (312) 346-7145.
West Coast: Lowell Fox, 10960 Wilshire Blvd., Los Angeles, Calif. 90024, (213) 478-0611.
Southern Offices: H. V. Brown, H. V. Brown Associates, 5825 Glenridge Dr. N.E., Building 2—Suite 116, Atlanta, Ga. 30328, (404) 252-9820.
6 NATIONAL LAMPOON
Is it live,
or is it Memorex?
That's a tough question
to answer. In our television
commercials you saw that
even a professional musician
couldn't tell if the music he
heard was live or on a Memorex
cassette. Could be because only
Memorex cassette recording tape
has the MRX2 Oxide formulation.
And if you record your own music,
that could make all the difference
in the world.
MEMOREX
Is it live, or is it Memorex?
© 1975, Memorex Corporation, Santa Clara, California 95052

and expunged, is now out of a job
himselfl "Who would give him one,"
says Debbie Reynolds, "to such
a wet blanket, such a meanie?"
You're right, Debbie, as usual.
Caspar is tin-cupping it on Welfare
in S.F. right now. That'll learn him
how the other half of the gross
national product lives, the poop!!
WW Monumental bungalow from the weenie, plant-talking star. 1 * - Career salvaged!!! It's not gen-
the sports world!!! Triple paychecks "She's rude," said the Asparagus erally realized, but Raquel Welch
and peculiar doings with "ambi- plumosus. "She yells at us all the has three breasts. Have you ever
dextrous" football star Joe Namath. time." "That's right," said the San- noticed she's never photographed
He's into cosmetics, Mary, and a sevieria trefusciata laurenti, "and from the back? Well, that's where
football camp for boys, would you. she's got terrible breath. You can the third one is. Or was, until her
Carpers at Joe's vast income from tell just by looking at her. When recent mastectomy—an operation
these may well purse their purses she shouts it becomes a struggle to long desired by her but long de-
and lower th.su raises. He gets live. You'd think she'd never heard layed until the invention of an op-
$200,000.29 from each. Well, a lot of chlorophyll!" "And she's always erating table on which she might lie
of American males may want to giving us crude pep talks. On Sun- chest-down. Late this summer, the
incarnadine their lips with Vestigial day she preaches an hour-and-a- operation was performed, but to the
Pink and their fingernails with half sermon. She thinks she's the surgeon's consternation, as the
Operahose Rose like Joe does, but quicker-picker-upper, but she's not, breast was removed, a new one
how about the dough those teenage she's a downer," agreed the Mon- grew in its place. And, as that one
youths pay to have Joe throw passes stera deliciosa. "Some people are was removed, another grew, and so
at them? As there are only seven- stuck in factories," said the Setcrea- forth. Word got out, and hundreds
teen of them at the camp, each sea purpurea, "we're stuck in plants. of mastectomatrixes gallumphed
one of the little buggers has to But one day we will rise. That's over to the Cedars of Lebanon to
cough up upwards of $12,000 for why we're trying to grow big. So receive transplants. The First and
the six-week course. Not too much we can get her and suck her to Second Ladies jetted down. Squads
social consciousness goin' over the death." Ugh. and scads of women underwent vol-
goalpost, Joe!! •§*• Flash salt box from Washing- untary mastectomies in order to re-
iW* Four-star condominium from ton!!! Secretary of Health, Educa- ceive Raquel's rings. Sixteen mas-
Broadway!!! "I hate my job," said tion, and Welfare Caspar W. Wein- tectomists were in attendance min-
Nancy Walker's Philodendron eru- berger, who resigned in July after istering to the needy and pleading.
bescenes, when interviewed last proposing that welfare should be For there were more than could be
week about how it was to work for completely abandoned, banished, fed by the over two hundred breasts
continued on pass 85
On Sire Records / Marketed by ABC

8 NATIONAL LAMPOON
Ultra Brite wants you
to win this Love-Bug.
How's your love life? Wouldn't it be better decorated by Beetleboards of America.
if you had a far-out VW Beetle decorated like 1,000 additional winners will receive colorfully-
the one above? Then enter Ultra Brite's "How's designed "How's Your Love Life?" T-shirts.
Your Love Life?" Sweepstakes. Enter today and brush with Ultra Brite—
Five lucky Grand Prize winners will be dynamite taste and more whitener than any
given a very special, limited-edition Love-Bug leading toothpaste.
OFFICIAL RULES:
1. To enter, complete the official entry blank or, on a 3 " x 5 " piece of paper, hand print your
name, address, and zip code. Enter as often as you like, but mail each entry separately to:
ULTRA BRITE Sweepstakes, P.O. Box 97, Church Street Station, New York, New York 10046.
2 . Each entry must be accompanied by two end flaps from any size ULTRA BRITE Toothpaste
carton, or a 3 " x 5 " piece of paper on which you have hand printed the words "ULTRA BRITE"
in plain block letters. Mechanically reproduced entries are ineligible. To be eligible, entries
must be postmarked by November 30, 1975, and received by December 8, 1975.
3. All winners w i l l be determined in random drawings under the supervision of Marden-Kane, OFFICIAL ENTRY BLANK
Inc., an independent judging organization whose decisions are final. All prizes w i l l be
awarded. Only one prize to a family. No substitutions of prizes permitted.
Mail to: ULTRA BRITE Sweepstakes
4 . Each of the five (5) Grand Prizes is a 1975 Volkswagen Beetleboard decorated as illustrated P.O. Box 97, Church Street Station
above. In accepting car prizes, winners agree to assume responsibility for local, state and New York, New York 10046
federal taxes, if any, and for state licensing and registration fees. Cars will be made available
as near as possible to winners' home addresses for pickup by winners. At their option, if Yes, enter me in the ULTRA BRITE Sweepstakes. I've enclosed two end-
Grand Prize winners desire to receive $20 per month for one year for having a monthly inspec- flaps from an ULTRA BRITE® Toothpaste carton or the words "ULTRA
tion of decals, they may sign a driver's contract with Beetleboards of America, Inc. BRITE" printed in block letters on a 3" x 5" piece of paper.
5. Each of the one-thousand (1,000) second prizes is an exclusive design "How's Your Love Mr.
L i f e ? " T-shirt (winners' choice of sizes) set in a swirling rainbow of vivid colors, made of
high quality polyester and cotton, and washable. Ms Age
(Please print plainly)
6. The ULTRA BRITE Sweepstakes is open to all residents of the United States, except em-
ployees of the Colgate-Palmolive Co., its advertising agencies, Marden-Kane, Inc., and their Address ,
families. Void in Missouri and wherever else prohibited or restricted by law.
7 . The odds of winning will be determined by the total number of entries received in the
Sweepstakes. No purchase is necessary. City T-shirt Size
ENTER AS OFTEN AS YOU LIKE, BUT EACH ENTRY MUST BE MAILED SEPARATELY. (S, M, L or XL)
For a list of winners, send a stamped, self-addressed envelope to: ULTRA BRITE Winners,
Church Street Station, P.O. Box 7, New York, New York 10046. State Zip
(Required)

GRAND FUNK RAILROAD
CAUGHT IN THE ACT
A New LIVE Two-Record Set
on Capitol Records and Tapes
kSA @
Produced by Jimmy lenner "C7 Capitol*

Tfe HMJGWWBMM U.S. PAT. NO. 3294405
Caurtbddli
ADC SuperXLMMKU
H.. Tracking ability at low and middle frequencies
was exceptional...the high level required half the
Runninc
One thing you'll never have to
tracking force of most other cartridges... One of
the best 2-channel stereo cartridges and better
than most CD-4 types, f f HI-FI NEWS AND RECORD REVIEW
worry about . . . no matter what
happens, Nelson Rockefeller will Our new Super XLM MK II ($125.) is the finest cartridge available. It was eng-
ineered for the true audiophile who owns the very finest components.
never become President. Y'know It embodies principles found in no other cartridges, as evidenced by our U.S.
why, doncha? He's a fairy! He's Patent. It features a unique"induced magnef'which allows for a major reduction
such a fucking fairy that they got in the mass of the moving system.This LOW MASS permits the Shibata type stylus
to watch him day and night or else to trace the most intricate modulations of stereo and CD-4 record grooves with a
feather-light tracking force—as low as % of a gram.
he'll get killed—he'll get assassi- This family of LOW MASS Cartridges is also offered with elliptical diamond
nated. What does being a fairy got stylus for stereo play exclusively-the XLM MK II ($100.) and VLM MK II ($75.).
to do with getting killed? Listen . . . For detailed.specifications, write ADC.
you got a few extra minutes? I'll
E
take you crosstown through the
park and I'll tell you the whole
thing. I used to work for Rocke-
T T /AUDIO DYNAMICS CORPORATION
A BSR Company • New Milford, Conn. 06776
feller, y'know. That's how I know

the whole fucking story. I saved
that cocksucker's life a few years
ago. Here's how it happened.
One night I'm cruising downtown
in the Village and I pick up these
two guys. One of them is wearing
dark glasses and one of those fedora
hats with the big brims so you can
hardly see his face. The other guy
is some kind of spic. Looks like he's
not more than twelve years old. LsffS - l i N ^ ^ o t ' ~ 4 « - Ifl ^ ^ 1 • « [ ^ D on your records
The guy with the big hat gives me i ^ l lîil i^lfllrllP ^ ^ s H ^ > you've probably
an address somewheres in the east mm W J W P ' M ^ y M ^ B r never
sixties. I'm riding along when all before, because of compression and other compromises made by the
of a sudden I hear these slushing record manufacturer (for reasons we explain in our literature).
noises in the back. Then I hear
moaning and groaning. I turn T h e dbx 117 expands the listening experience to restore the gritty
around at the next light and I see steel of guitar, the incisive bite of brasses and the percussive impact of
the little spic kid with that look drums and cymbals as you've never heard them before except in live per-
on his face like he's about to come. formance. As a bonus, the 117 dramatically reduces record surface noise
I can't see the guy with the fedora, and tape h i s s , and adds a n e w dimension to FM listening.
but you can guess where he was
and what he was doing. I lean over To hear all the m u s i c you paid for, take your favorite record
and see that he's got his head or tape to your dbx dealer and ask him to play it through the dbx 117
buried in the spic's crotch with the dynamic range enhancer. You'll hear m u s i c you didn't know you owned.
hat covering his face so you still For complete information and list
can't see it. Fuck this, I said to of demonstrating dbx dealers, contact:
myself. I don't need this kind of
shit. I don't usually pick up fairies
unless they really make it worth
my while. I got a way of making
them pay more than what's on the
meter. Anyway, I don't want these
creeps in my cab, so I stop and tell
them to get the fuck out or I'll wipe
continued on page 28
db: dbx, Incorporated
296 Newton Street
Waltham, Massachusetts 02154

N A T I O N A L L A M P O O N 11
Everything you
comfortable shoes.
Everyone who owns a pair of Roots®can skip this.
The rest of the world, please note.
poured into the expensive shoes they had made for
exclusive boutiques.
Roots is a comfortable, casual shoe — different from Today they run the Roots factory in Toronto where
the shoes you grew up in, and different from other every pair of Roots is made.
casual shoes, too. They pick the leather, set the standards, supervise the
There's nothing else quite like them. whole operation.
Here's the story-
How Roots are different from ordinary shoes.
The Roots sole is a single, seamless piece.
Inside, it is sculptured to fit your foot.
It cradles your heel and supports your arch. Unlike
ordinary shoes, you stand in Roots, not on them.
The Roots toe is not pointed like the toes of ordinary
shoes. It is broad and rounded like feet so your toes
have room to wiggle and air can circulate to keep
your feet cool.
The bottom of the sole is molded in a "rocker" shape
so that it fits the natural heel-to-toe motion of walking.
The heel is only about the height of the heel on a
tennis shoe and
the "rocker" sole
curves up toward
the tip of the toe.
If you wonder
^ ^ ^ ^ j S w l f c ^ s i ! 5 ^ f ^ - ! S ! S l l ^ w h e t h e r or not all
this makes any
sense put one of The men
your ordinary who make Roots
shoes on a table
and look at it for They are of the old school.
a minute. So, in Roots you have more than a shoe made for
Notice that the the way you were born to walk. You also have a
heels have worn beautifully made pair of shoes, visibly nicer (and a
away and the sole little more expensive) than the rest.
Your shoes are trying to tell you something
has assumed a Why Roots cost more.
comfortable curve. Whether you wear size 3Vz or 13, Even the Kowalewski's can't make a beautiful shoe
high heel or regular heel, the more you wear an from inferior stuff.
ordinary shoe, the more it assumes the shape of Roots. So, Roots are made of the best of everything in the
How Roots are different from other casual shoes. best way the old school knows how to make them.
There are other casual shoes that look like Roots at The soles are made of a special gum rubber for the
first glance. right combination of flex and durability.
Some have sculptured soles. Others are styled to The "uppers" are made from the best top-grain
look as though they do. Canadian leather. This leather is drum-dyed, a costly
But none of them has the obvious love of good process which permeates the hide with rich, natural
leather and fine boot-making you'll find in a pair of color and doesn't clog the pores that let leather
Roots. breathe.
The difference in Roots is due, in large part, to the No two drum-dyed hides match perfectly, so each
men pictured here. John Kowalewski and his sons pair of Roots is cut from the same piece of leather.
are custom-bootmakers. They built the first pairs of The heel has a built-in support called a "counter' It
Roots with the same care and enthusiasm they helps the shoe keep its shape and helps position your

need to know about
foot in the shoe. Expensive either, which bothers some
leather shoes have this feature. people.
Most casual shoes don't. But, if you're secure enough
Roots leather is sewn with nylon to deal with a few characters
thread. It's expensive, but doesn't who want to know why you're
deteriorate the way cotton wearing those "funny-looking
thread does. shoes" you're going to love-
And so it goes. the comfort of Roots.
From first to last, Roots are made with hue Sold only at Roots stores.
the best possible way. You'll find genuine Roots'only
These differences ought to make a difference to at Roots stores in the cities listed here. And you'll
everyone spending more than $25 for a pair of shoes. find these stores as comfortable an experience as
Roots themselves.
The trouble with Roots.
The trouble is, they're so damned comfortable. They don't look like ordinary shoe stores.
Believe it or not, people worry about that. And the sales people don't act like ordinary shoe
They worry that after wearing Roots they'll hate their sales people.
old shoes. You'll find them wearing what they're selling and
They worry that after getting used to Roots they servicing what they sell.
won't be able to wear ordinary shoes. As a result Roots customers keep coming back for
Some people just like to worry. more. The record right now is 10 pairs bought in
But there simply isn't anything to worry about. less than a year, by a man who is definitely old
Walking in Roots is very much like walking in bare enough to know better.
feet and you've been doing that on and off for most Evidently it's easier than we guessed to go bananas
of your life.
Roots do take some getting used to because they
ask you to use muscles in your legs and back that
have been under-used wearing ordinary shoes.
And of course, they don't look like ordinary shoes
Roots.
over Roots. 4 B ^ ^ m
Be kind to feet. They outnumber people two to one!'
Sold only at Roots stores in: Albuquerque. Amsterdam (Neth.), Ann Arbor, Atlanta, Austin, Berkeley Birmingham (Ala.). Birmingham (Mich.), Boulder,
Calgary Cambridge. Chicago. Columbus, Costa Mesa, Dallas. Denver, East Lansing, Edmonton, Eugene. Evanston. Fort Lauderdale, Halifax, Hartford, Houston, Kansas City
(Mo.), La Jolla, Las Vegas. London (Ont.), Los Angeles, Madison, Malibu, Miami, Milwaukee. Minneapolis, Montreal, Munich (Gee), New York, Ottawa, Palo Alto, Philadelphia,
Pittsburgh, Portland, San Francisco, Scottsdale, Seattle, Toronto, Tucson. Vancouver, Victoria, White Plains.
Roots are made in 15 styles for men and women.
For more about them send 25CforT h e Book of Roots" to Roots Natural Footwear, 1203 Caledonia Rd., Toronto M6A 2X3. Canada. © 1975. Don Michael Co.

with pleasure!
©Lorillard1975
Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined

That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. Kings: 17 mg."tar". 1.2 mg. nicotine; 100's: 21 mg. "tar",
1.5 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette, FTC Report Apr. 75.

VOLUME 1, NO. LXVII
AIR QUALITY:
ACCEPTABLE
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Wk&tfyg jB&pairjttoiMte$k$mwvMm%limnplanet Worker Jnq;urrer MtM^mJ^^k
UGANDA TO RULE WAVES?
General Idi Amin, dubbed he i n t e n d e d t o force, who glory in coast. President

the Clown Prince of Africa by square this with the the name The Crack Amin will lead the
Queen's present Ugandan Idiots, force, and plans to
g r a t e f u l r a c i s t s , h a s an- husband, Prince will take the over- overcome the final
nounced plans to invade En- Philip, Duke of Ed- land route to En- bulwark against in-
gland, and "grab de Queen by inburgh. "Eat him," gland to spare avia- vasion which
de short hairs." growled t h e grin- tion fuel for their t h w a r t e d his idol
Avowing his inten- wife, the General ning Idi. plane, taking a Hitler, the English
tion to make the was asked by star- The crack route due north to Channel, by simply
Queen his t h i r d tled reporters how Ugandan invasion the Normandy walking across it.
continued
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. N A T I O N A L L A M P O O N 15
\kn Gogh had
an ear for
this sort of thin
And an eye. too... and so will the
thousands of National Lampoon
readers who fancy the spectacular
art that has won the magazine
hundreds of awards during the
past half dozen years, including.
most recently, the National
Magazine Award for
Visual Excellence.
Visuals don't get much more
excellent than do the works of
Mara McAfee. Rick Meyerowitz.
Neal Adams. Arnold Roth.
Charles White. Melinda Bordelon.
and others—more than two dozen
great National Lampoon artists in
all.with many of their greatest
works, including the original Mona
Gorilla, Van Gogh with Banana.
and The Floor of the Sistine
Chapel. Twenty-six magnificent
pieces of satirical art printed on
fine, heavy paper, just the right
size and weight for framing. With
this book, you can decorate an
entire home with National
Lampoon art. You've got to be
sick just to think of that.
THE NATIONAL LAMPOON

The
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The citizens of Mars Bluff probably aren't planning anything special to commemorate the day their town
almost became the Hiroshima of the Pee Dee River, but with the Official National Lampoon Bicentennial
Calendar, you can help remember this and hundreds of other black days in American history. Painstak-
ingly researched to insure historical accuracy the Official National Lampoon Bicentennial Calendar con-
tains over 600 massacres, explosions, defeats, assassinations, crashes, bombings (intentional and acciden-
tal), panics, executions, lynchings, betrayals, mishaps,riots,sinkings, mutinies, rigged elections, armed
incursions, stonings, fish kills, mass murders, and miscarriages of justice.
While everyone else is running around making a big deal out of a boring battle the British
somehow managed to lose, you can be celebrating the day 147 persons, most of
them young women, perished in America's ghastliest industrial fire. Or
the day Congressman Preston Brooks walked on to the Senate floor r
and beat Senator Charles Sumner unconscious with a gutta-
percha cane. Or the day convicted "trunk murderess" Winnie
Ruth Judd escaped from the Arizona State Insane Hospital for
the sixth time.
And the Official National Lampoon Bicentennial Calendar
makes a perfect gift that will continue to depress and annoy
someone you love throughout the whole year. The Official
National Lampoon Bicentennial Calendar, with twelve breathtak-
ingly lurid illustrations, is on sale in bookstores everywhere for only
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continued
400 Million
Indians Can
Be Wrong
Prime Minister Indira Gandhi an-
nounced that the jailing of 400 million
opposition party members has solved vir-
tually all the problems that had beset her
vast country. By imprisoning these "ene-
mies of democracy," a tremendous supply
of food is now available to the rest of the
population, which consists entirely of
loyal members of her Congress Party.
Thus, India's perennial famine problem is
over.
Food stores will not only be selling
food for the first time, but there will be
little or no inconvenience in buying it, be-
cause the shopping lines will be much
shorter. Most important, the food will be
distributed to India's neediest, the people
who are dedicated to the perpetuation and
the rebuilding of their country's economy.
"The only good Indian is a fed Indian,"
quipped Mrs. Gandhi today in an inter-
view. of A m e r i c a n y o u t h
The Imprison-
ment Plan has also NEW BODE THEORY through minute brain-
scanners implanted in
given India other im-
portant reforms and Did crazed exwriter kill Lampoon genius ? its staples. Perhaps
most damning of all,
benefits — streets are On Friday, 18 July, National Lampoon artist Vaughn Bode, S a t u r d a y , J u l y 19 ,
now clean and riot- internationally famous for his Cheech Wizard cartoon strip, was Krassner issued an
free, and transporta- uncalled-for statement
tion facilities are more found strangled in mysterious circumstances in San Francisco.
on Bode's death point-
pleasant and less The official version of theistory is that Bode was "meditating" ing out that only a
crowded. T h e Plan has with a "leather collar" around his neck. The "leather collar" week prior to his death,
also cleared the way became "tight," and he "croaked." There are no grounds so far he had eaten fish—the
for implementing Mrs. very same food eaten
Gandhi's promised for doubting the last of these assertions, but renewed research
into the case has led some to question the validity of the others. by Robert Kennedy at
land reform. T h e Sharon Tate's house
needy members of the Why was Bode wearing a leather collar? How did it become the day before he was
Congress P a r t y will tight? What was National Lampoon exwriter Paul Krassner do- assassinated — and
soon have their own ing in San Francisco on Friday, the 18th or, for that matter, on stating that Bode had
properties. M a n y of been killed by Crowley
the houses will come Thursday, the 17th and Saturday, the 19th?
Fight, an elite terror
completely e q u i p p e d T h e official explanations of suicide and/or accidental death are clearly squad composed of the
with cars, appliances, out. With Vaughn at the time of his demise was his son, and he was far illegitimate sons of
furniture, jewelry, a n d too devoted a father to indulge in anything traumatic in his presence. M a r t i n B u b e r , con-
o t h e r v a l u a b l e s , in- Further, Bode was a convert to Zen Zen, a highly advanced mystical dis- trolled from Chile by
cluding money. The cipline which teaches that satori can be reached merely by drinking a means of plutonium
long-range benefits of quart of J i m Beam and urinating in a light socket. The accidental death receivers in William
the land reform plan explanation is therefore about as convincing as it sounds. T h e conclusion Buckley's teeth, in re-
a r e obvious. N e w l y is that Bode was murdered. B u t why? Bode was a fabulously successful prisal for the murder
gained properties will strip artist with the face and body of an angel. Who would want to see him of Charles Manson,
be developed for both dead? alias Sirhan Sirhan,
commercial and resi- S e v e r a l w i t n e s s e s murder him. Although C o a s t u n d e r g r o u n d alias Paul McCartney,
dential use. T h e reve- have said that they Bode was a well-loved g r o u p CPSTTCD by the Zebra Cult Ne-
nues a c q u i r e d will saw Krassner in San and highly regarded (Concerned People groes of the KGB.
provide d e s p e r a t e l y Francisco at various contributor to the Na- Shocked by the Ter- Clearly, Krassner was
needed buying power times on the 18th, on tional Lampoon, rible Things Capital- trying to cover some-
for India's needy peo- one occasion within Krassner had been re- ists Do). Krassner has thing up.
ples, enabling the five miles of Bode's jected as a regular by often vowed revenge,
c o u n t r y to e x p a n d abode. Also, Krassner the editors after it be- claiming that the mag- San Francisco area
their trade with the was the only one of came clear that he was azine was merely a police are looking for
U.S., J a p a n , Taiwan Bode's acquaintances merely a mouthpiece CIA front, set up to Krassner to help them
and Canada. who had any reason to for the infamous West m a i n t a i n surveillance in their enquiries.
continued
18 N A T I O N A L L A M P O O N Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

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continued
People-to-people vanguard urban areas that each citizen will

PUTTING THE JUICE r e g i o n a l unification
plan: Both the Mayor
as Dallas a n d Los An-
geles, the City will re-
be required to give to
bankers with every de-
and Big M A C agree move the entire 830 posit, check, new ac-
IN THE BIG APPLE that a large part of the
city's current plight
miles of subway track
and convert the entire
count, loan, etc. These
gifts would range from
As the city's fiscal time bomb ticked closer to can be traced to its subway system into boats, cars, stereos,
midnight. Mayor Beame flew back from a week- bad image in the sub- automobile tunnels. etc., to personal ser-
end of hard bargaining with the financial wizards urbs. In a move de- vices, such as "laun-
of the Municipal Assistance Corporation (Big signed to "please a Total saving: $4 bil- dry, light housekeep-
MAC) in Geneva, Switzerland.The hard driving whole spectrum of re- lion. ing, and the odd quick
accountant extraordinaire unveiled a ten-point gional reformers, from Banking assistance fuck."
program that meets the no-nonsense require- Buckminster Fuller to p r o g r a m : Observing
ments of the banking barons, who have kindly J a n e Jacobs, without a that "New York would Total s a v i n g : The
taken time out from their busy schedules to take whole new army of really be u p shit's whole ball of wax.
over the management of Gotham. paper pushers," New c r e e k if t h e b a n k s
Education: Recognizing that a large number Yorkers will be re- aren't made to feel at Height tax: Describ-
of New Yorkers are overeducated in the quired to "pick a sub- home and decide to ing this levy as "the
current job market, compulsory school- urban pal" and send take off for Geneva," cornerstone of my leg-
ing requirements will be lowered to a periodic gifts, greeting the mayor took a page islative package," the
three week course in basic reading skills cards, and an occa- from Dr. Spock as he mayor outlined a
and elementary counting. Classes will be sional dollar or two. urged all New Yorkers height tax whereby all
enlarged to increase efficiency and held to do everything in citizens over five feet
in convenient locations like Yankee Sta- Total saving: Lots of their power to make in stature will be taxed
dium and Madison Square Garden. The good will. "our banks feel warm, one hundred dollars
Chase Manhattan Bank graciously of- loved, happy, and se- per inch per month.
fered to purchase existing school build- Personal people cure." Particularly
ings from the city for twelve thousand movers: Drawing on helpful will be a se- Total income: bil-
dollars. the experiences of such ries of mandatory gifts lion.
Total saving: $3 billion.
Trimming the fat in the bureaucracy: A two-

part program that consolidates the work
You Deserve an
of agencies that currently suffer from a
surfeit of Jews, Italians, and other recent
arrivals.
1. "Facing up to the hard facts of health
Order of Lenin Today
care in these difficult times," the city Moving quickly to scotch rumors that the Soviets have
will auction off its ambulance fleet for
$200,000, with current ambulance du- pulled another fast one on the U.S. consumer with the latest
ties being taken over by the Depart-
ment of Sanitation. wheat deal, Secretary of Agriculture Earl Butz told a hastily
2. In a similar cost-cutting move that will convened news conference, "Contrary to the innuendos that are
also personalize the criminal justice
system, "bringing it closer to the flying around, the Soviets are not planning to unload U.S. grain
streets," the City Judiciary will be dis- at a profit on the European market as before."
banded. I n the future, the arresting
officer will be empowered to pass sen- Revealing a here- ufacture of hamburger Red burger chain will
tence at the scene of the crime. tofore secret plan, buns as part of a mam- be familiar to Amer-
Butz told reporters moth U.S.-style leisure icans, the Soviets have
Total saving: $700 million. that the Soviets had food chain to be called added a few Marxist
promised to use all Burger Czar. Though wrinkles to their oper-
Roach t a x : Explain- Estimated revenue: U.S. grain in the man- the look and feel of the ation. T h e chief dif-
ing that cockroaches $17 billion. ference is that the Rus-
are a constant drain sians, playing off the
on the city's supplies
Death incentives:
Pic of the Month marketing slogan
of air, water, food, and "Have it our way,"
darkness, the mayor Senior citizens are will offer only one type
announced a far-reach- "urged to expire at of food, a giant seeded
ing Roach Tax. Has- their earliest possible roll. As Alexei Semyo-
tening to undercut any convenience." Recog- nov, of the Dnepetro-
possible offense to the n i z i n g t h a t " l i f e is vosk Institute of Fast
city's Latin popula- pretty tough on our Food Studies, de-
tion ("after all, they oldsters," the mayor scribed the meatless
don't have to worry so outlined a massive Soviet burger: "Our
much about sanitation Geriatric E u t h a n a s i a operating maxim will
on their little islands"), Program that would be, 'Hold the pickles,
the mayor promised lighten the load on hold the lettuce, spe-
roach e s t i m a t e s to medical facilities and cial orders upset us:
those who cannot af- trim the welfare rolls. Hold everything.'" I t
ford to stay home for Beame summed up the is expected that hun-
monthly roach counts. program in a nutshell gry Ivans from Minsk
"The city doesn't have as he observed, "One to V l a d i v o s t o k will
to do this for free," retired Jew's welfare take to Burger Czar
said the mayor, "but check can support a Voppa with " t h e
we feel it's the kind of w h o l e l i t t e r i n g of same gusto that greet-
convenience that New Puerto Ricans." ed other American im-
Yorkers have come to ports like the twist,
expect of their muni- Total saving: bil- Joan Little: A blow for freedom. boxer shorts, and the
cipal government." lion. wiretap."

he'd earned his little Vic Wertz, running tory. The guy was a
joke. full tilt toward the regular Houdini.
And then there bleachers. Old Red
was the '55 series, says "catch" because Redhots: Don
he's one guy who was King, look out! Now
the first one that the that you're flashing a
D o d g e r s won. Old wise to Willie's se-
cret — the good old big roll, some of your
Red was pulling into ex-cellmates are look-
the carpark outside hidden ball trick.
Willie's instincts ing for you Where
Ebbets Field when
the parking lot at- were supposed to be are they now? Re-
so sharp that when a member Emlen Tun-
t e n d a n t told D o n nell, N.Y. Giants all-
Newcombe that he'd drive was hit to cen-
ter, all the fans would pro linebacker who
choked, and got his still holds the record
face punched for a follow Willie and for-
get about the ball. So for most career inter-
There's just one way ta pitch the Babe, tip. Big Newk was ceptions? He's dead.
the meanest guy who Willie used to stuff
Says Hubbell (and I quote'm). his uniform with . . . Red's rumor mill
You wait until he digs in good, ever played pro ball, reports Portland
and a sonofabitch to baseballs, and when
Then fire one at his scrotum. he'd run to where he Trailblazers about to
interview. Back in finalize trade dealing
the clubhouse he thought the ball
—Old Red's Rhythmic Rhymes might drop, he'd pull lanky illiterate Bill
used to beat report- Walton to the At-
e r s s e n s e l e s s . One one out and pop it in lanta Hawks for $99
The Autumn Clas- loose. I asked Bur- day, after he dropped his glove. Sometimes, and a hot dog vendor
sic. The World Se- dette about it in the a two-to-one game to during batting prac- to be named at a later
ries. Words that con- locker room after the Philadelphia, he tice, he'd hide a date. . . . What's the
jure up a bat bag full s e v e n t h game, b u t kicked my tail into couple in the outfield fuss about New Zea-
of memories — shoe- cagey Lew just the t r a i n e r ' s room grass, in case he had land's John Walker
string catches, pinch- smiled a funny smile. and tried to drown to make a shoestring running a 3.50 mile?
hit homers, Gillette "You want to see my me in the whirlpool catch. In '54 I Some jungle bunny
blue blades, and Coo- s p i t t e r ? H e r e it bath. He was a hell watched him through grabbed my wallet
gan's Bluff. Old Red comes," and then he of a competitor. binoculars. Just as on S e v e n t y - n i n t h
remembers every hawked one right in Wertz's shot was sail- Street in New York
game and every Old Red's face. I A n d how ' b o u t ing toward the and headed north on
pitch. Old Red was should have punched 1954? The Giants stands, Willie smiled, foot. I followed him
there. the crazy bastard in and the Indians. Old spit a baseball in his in a cab and clocked
the nose, but what Red was there when glove, then tipped him at three minutes
Old Red was there Willie made that flat before he disap-
the hell, he'd just his hat as 60,000
in '57 when Lew Bur- famous over-the- peared into the park.
made series history, fans went wild. The
dette won three big shoulder "catch" off . . . Big League Boffs:
and I figured that greatest catch in his-
games and beat the How come Mickey
Yankees single-
handed. Lew mixed
his pitches like a pro.
Wallace—Off and Runnim M a n t l e taped his
legs before each
game? Because he
First a fast ball, then Presidential hope- announced that his s p e e c h y e s t e r d a y . wanted a record of
a slider, then a curve ful George Wallace wife Cornelia would "Biting the bullet what they sounded
that broke just like a kicked off the first be the chairperson just isn't enough." like!
shot glass falling off leg of his race for of h i s c a m p a i g n . T h e Governor ran
a bar. There was a the White House "Someone's got to through a step b y
lot of talk about that toe the line and step assault on the D a m n e d If I
by declaring him-
curve, and some al- F o r d A d m i n i s t r a - Know: (Answer to
self officially "in the take a stand if this
lowed as how it looked
running." "If the c o u n t r y ' s to get t i o n , a n d b l a m e d last month's quizz:
like Lew was throw- Beats me!) Who
ing spitters, smear- shoe fits, wear it," back on its feet," "wheeling a n d deal- holds the record for
ing lungers on the said Mr. Wallace of the Governor said ing with t h e R e d s " the longest runback
ball before he cut it his candidacy, a n d in a r a m b l i n g a n d "playing foot- of a fumbled punt re-
sie with the A r a b s " turn off a third down
as major eauses of quick kick following a
the nation's crip- fifteen-yard offensive
"Pot"Causes Canter pling inflation a n d holding penalty dur-
e c o n o m i c p a r a l y - ing the final two min-
sis. Mrs. Wallace utes of play of the
—Legislation Urged added t h a t although second period of an
FDA boss Dr. Alexander Schmidt revealed today results of new tests h e r h u s b a n d w a s American Football
proving conclusively that marijuana causes a rare killer form of bracing himself for L e a g u e e x h i b i t i o n
game played at night
cancer. a stiff year's s t u m p on artificial turf in a
The tests, performed first on white rats, and then on mental patients, in search of sup- state west of the Mis-
showed that any contact with the drug, whether by inhalation or simply port, he had a "gut sissippi?
by sitting in it, resulted in the Arbuckle syndrome, or cancer of the but- feeling" that this
tock. time around he That's it for this
"As is usual in these cases," said Dr. Schmidt, "this removes the last would walk away m o n t h . Pick your
obstacle to lifting federal and state restrictions on the drug." with the race. pitch, and don't let
Dr. Schmidt is 110. 'em brush you back.

like a bird and green as grass. Doc-
HOW TO tors believe that the young man
had swallowed the lizard in a
GET LAID drink of water about two and a half
years ago, and it had been growing
steadily ever since.
Roosevelt Berg regained his
strength, but vowed never again to
drink water in the dark. Murray
County tierald (M. Baartman)
• An elderly Japanese biologist who
used his scientific knowledge to
keep his wife at his side for ten
years after her death was ordered to
surrender his house as a result.
Dr. Katsusabruo Miyamoto,
eighty-four, of Rosario, Argentina,
WHAT TURNS A GIRL ON? gained a degree of popularity in that
The answers are in a unique new book called HOW country by inventing a fluid that
TO MAKE IT WITH WOMEN.
It's different from anything you've ever seen saved the historic San Lorenzo pine
before. You don't have to come on heavy or try to be
• A call came into Buffalo, N.Y. tree under which General Jose de
someone you're not.
It tells you how to meet her, how to get her turned police headquarters reporting a pos- San Martin accepted the surrender
on to you, how to get her into bed. It shows you how
sible burglary in progress. There of Spanish troops in 1815.
to really satisfy her—and how to keep her.
This remarkable book is packed with simple, ef- was nothing unusual about the call, When Dr. Miyamoto's Italian
fective techniques that really work. And they're
except that it came from Rome, wife, Carmelina Colombo, died in
guaranteed to work for you or your money back. 1959, the scientist used his skills in
Italy.
SEND S8.95 TO: MEADOWBROOK CO
The episode began when some- inventing embalming fluids and cre-
Dept.N8, P.O. Box 197 ated another solution which allowed
Rowayton, Conn. 06853 one knocked on the door of the
Buffalo Belting and Weaving Co. him to keep his wife's body pre-
early one morning. The elderly served and in their marital bed for
ADDRESS, ten years.
CITY guard, an Italian immigrant who
speaks little English, became fright- The bereaved and sentimental
-ZIP.
ened when the man at the door embalmer failed to report his wife's
Book sen! in non-idenlifiable wrapper
began shouting at him. The man death to the authorities, however,
pushed the guard aside and went and. was ordered to pay a fine. He
into the building. refused, and the sum over the years
A Buffalo patrolman reported, amounted to 30,000 pesos (about
"The guard got a little nervous. He $3,000).
didn't know who to call, so he tele- Dr. Miyamoto was a modestly
phoned his uncle in Italy." paid city employer with no savings,
T h e guard told the uncle what and so his house had to be sur-
was going on, and the uncle, who rendered and put up for auction in
speaks English, quickly telephoned order to pay for his fine. Durham
a Buffalo operator, who in turn Morning Herald (L. Sink)
telephoned the police emergency • The owners of a wildlife preserve
number. By that time, it went down in Winston, Oregon are desperately
as a "burglary in progress." searching for a female companion
When police arrived, more than for George, a two-humped camel
an hour and a half later, the un- who is so sexually frustrated that
identified man was gone. After a he has tried to mate with a fifteen-
lengthy search of the premises, the passenger minibus.
IS HERE police reported the motive for the "He works up a good frothing at
On the front, a portrait of PWK himself, illegal entry. "He just wanted to the mouth and makes clumsy, lung-
designer of the KLIPSCHORN® loud- use the bathroom," they said. UPl ing, drooling passes at the park's
speaker. On the back PWK's favorite (D. Smith) minibus every times it passes
epithet. In yellow cotton by B. V.D. At your • Fifty years ago this month, Roose- through his territory," says an of-
Klipsch dealer's. $3.00. Send velt Berg was taken ill while visit- ficial of Wildlife Safari, George's
coupon for name of nearest (stmsmie] ing his sister in Minneapolis. Her home.
dealer home remedies failed, and Berg George is twenty-seven years old,
writhed in agony with severe stom- the equivalent of about ninety hu-
ach pains. At the advice of the man years. Morristown, N.J. Daily
Klipsch & Associates, Inc. Record (C. Sisco)
P.O. Box 688L Hope, Arkansas 71801 family physician, Berg entered the
Please send free folder on Klipsch loudspeakers hospital. His persistent stomach- A one-year subscription or the
and name of my nearest dealer. ache baffled the entire staff of equivalent value in National Lam-
Swedish Hospital doctors, and they poon products will be given for items
Name scheduled an operation. But Roose- used. Send entries to: True Facts,
Address velt Berg cheated the M.D.s out National Lampoon, 635 Madison
of their fee when, moments before Ave,. N Y . , N.Y. 10022. In the event
ZiP_ the operation, he passed an ugly of duplications, the earliest post-
lizard, eight inches long, with claws mark is selected.

Why America's oldest living rock magazine
wants six, crisp new one-dollar bills. \ \ y
Actually, we'd rather Bill Walton and The FBI Go

have a check or a money order. One-On-One.
What we're after is your inter- What could an enormously powerful
est, and the chance to sing and government superagency have against
dance our way into your hearts a $2-million, weak-in-the-knee, veg-
and mailboxes. etarian socialist who happens to play
For 10 years now, for the Portland Trail Blazers basket-
CRAWDADDY has delivered ball team? " I think they are going to
the best in music, politics, sports try to discredit me as an individual so
humor, the arts, and music. And that people will think that what I do is
just in case you don't believe the so much jive," says Bill Walton. We
printed word can make a joyful don't think it's jive, and to prove it,
noise, take a look at the acts who've, we put Bill on our May '75 cover to
played our pages in recent issues: let America's newest "alleged
The Whole Earth Conspiracy perpetrator'' sound off on government
Catalogue. harassment and the glories of granola.
For God's sake keep your head Who is Bruce Springsteen and Why
down! CRAWDADDY hits Are We Saying These Wonderful
the target with an explosive Things About Him?
compendium of murder, Two years ago, CRAWDADDY was
mayhem, and ricochet the first to discover and spotlight one
romance. Included are of America's most talented, prolific
"The brains behind the and previously unheralded
President," the ABC's of composer/guitarist/singers. Now,
assassination, the Warren! CRAWDADDY goes out on the
Omission, Big D in '63, proverbial limb to pick a winner.
plus a rare interview with lus Many More Too Numerous
Lee Harvey Oswald. to Mention
Dem Stones Gonna Rise Whatever we print, it's never the same
Again. old song. If original, in-depth report-
Did you know that Mick ing and an irreverent approach to
Jagger is old enough to wear your everybody are your idea of good read-
mommy's mascara? The Stones ing, send in the subscription blank and
roll on, and CRAWDADDY rolls your six dollars (or more). In return
with them. Tracing their 1975 you'll receive our eternal gratitude,
world tour back to the roots in America's oldest rock magazine, and
Munich for a candid conversation with some of the freshest writing you'll
the world's oldest living supergroup. .ever read.
The winners, and still champion.
Skin Tight. The Naked Lunch Bunch.
"It's a sleazy world," mused a Author William Burroughs tunes up CRAWDADDY
cameraman on the set of a California his tape recorder, aims the mike at I Name
skin flick. And that's what Jimmy Page, and forges ahead with I Address.
CRAWDADDY discovered from our a study in the heaviest metal: Led [ City
band of hard-working, selfless volun- Zeppelin. Comparing the concert I State _ Zip.
teers who, strictly in the interests of atmosphere with Hitler's triumphant I Send check or money order to:
journalism, abandoned home and fam- Crawdaddy Publishing Co. Inc.
ily to probe the soft underbelly of
rally at Munich, Burroughs redefines
the god Pan, white and black magic,
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important matters. rifles steadily in the correct di-
These last few weeks at head- rection.
quarters have been hectic even to a Her Glorious Highness and
Sovereign Majesty Elizabeth
(âjmgff3
seasoned old shellshockee like my-
self. Some of the younger, more hot- Windsor, Duchess of Tweed,
headed officers committed insubor- Marchioness of Bouillabaisse,
dination—refusing to. chew a hard T y r a n t of C a n a d a , J o b ' s
ration like soldiers, they didn't Daughter
want to wait until our marching To the Exhalted
song was completed and were pre- Cool-Shoed Commander
% pared to invade Canada before the National Lampoon Volunteer Army
banners had been silk-screened and Sir:
Last and final message of prepared- so on and where are you. Naturally, It has come to our regal atten-
ness from the commander of the I was forced to cut off their access tion that you have expressed a de-
National Lampoon Volunteer Army: to the duty-free, high-ranking offi- sire to seize from us by force of
Men of the NLVA, long have we cers and gentlemen's liquor closet. arms and legs our God-granted
blown cool wind about the invasion No sooner had I dealt with this ris- Dominion of Canada. It occurred
of Canada, much to the alarm of ing among the big-badged, gold- to us last night as we were con-
the shrewlike snow voles who in- braided types—well, wouldn't you templating the state of our empire
habit that sleet-smeared nation. The know it, an attack from another that we are sorely lacking in bold,
time has now come to hammer our quarter... adventuresome swashbucklers fit to
plowshares into swords and our As you dog soldiers who have command our peasantry, rabble, and
enemies' heads into their constitu- studied your orientation literature unemployed rock-breaking types.
ent parts. know, Canada is ruled by the Queen So many of our noble scions are at
As you, brave soldiers who have of England. This may seem strange a genetic disadvantage—there seems
been kicking in your cash rations to to the less well-educated boot sol- little to them beyond a taste for
the mess fund, know (being en- dier; nevertheless, it is true. It ap- spit curls and ragamuffins' back
dowed from birth with an elephan- pears that somehow Her Majesty holes. It occurred to us that you
tine awareness), the time is rapidly got wind of our invasion plans and yourself might be ideally suited to
approaching when we shall be began bringing pressure to bear on command our armies and an erec-
ready to spill across the border like me personally and the magazine tion with which we had thought to
heavily armed and well led soup. corporately. I reprint her com- conquer Africa and other virgin ter-
We shall raze without the slightest munication below so that even ritories to the south, respectively.
thought the centennial projects and lowly grenade haulers may know Should you fail to perceive our
burn the nationalist type bookstores the power and treachery of our delicately turned doublethink, we
that dot the terrain. But on to more enemies and therefore point their shall:
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. M4TinMAT L A M P O O N 9K

bolt on a Mannlicher-Carcano rifle
THE SOURCE (2.3 seconds), they were both on
top of me, kicking me and beating
OF PERFECTION IN me up and everything, and I still
SOUND..TRACKS AT thought they were a couple of cow-
boy rednecks having some fun until
ONE GRAM I OR LESS) they put the cuffs on me and took
me downtown.
IN STEREO AND DISCRETE. They told me that I had done
awful things that morning, but I
didn't! I swear! They asked me
where I was between 12:25 and
12:35 that morning and I told them
Just want to give your kind read- I was eating lunch in the cafeteria.
ers a message: Free sign language (That was a fib. I was eating one
lessons for anyone who can find my of my Negro friends in the first
• nose. floor men's room.)
Nanette Fabray I was there for two days, and
Puget Sound then they decided to move me some-
place. Just before we left, though,
Sirs: one of the cops came over and
Remember Gravel Gertie? She whispered to me that we were go-
was so tough, she had to soak her ing to play a game with my old
Charmin in Drano before it could friend, Jack Ruby, who was waiting
do any good. in the basement. He said that Jack
Walter Pidgeon was going to pretend to kill me
Vatican City with one of those "blood-smear" toy
guns that I used to get to use when
Sirs: I worked for the CIA, and that I
You guys down at NatLamp are should go along with it and play
really in the know, so tell me, how dead. Well, it was a lot of fun, but
does this sound? There's this rabid the excitement must have been too
basset hound, see, that terrorizes much for me, because I passed out
the Catskills, follow me? Then all cold, and when I woke up, I was
these guys try to figure out what to here in Havana.
do, while all along they are screw- A.J. Hidell
ing all the waitresses and bellhops
at Grossinger's. We just sit back and Sirs:
watch them, and rake in the dough. As of late, there has been a great
I'm going to call it Jowls. Want to deal of debate on the effect of this
go in halfies? sudden influx of South Vietnamese
into Amerika on the so-called job
Peter Benchley situation. The concern being that
Enmity, Long Island there are not enough jobs to go
around. The trouble with you, my
Sirs: booshwah friends, is that you fail
I'm getting martyred in the morn- to learn from history! Please ex-
ing. amine San Francisco, circa 1880.
Frankly, perfection doesn't come easily. Pick- Ding-dong the bells are gonna
ering's engineers pursued the idea of a totally The solution is obvious!!! We build
new departure in cartridge design with all the chime. railroads!!!! Lots and lots of rail-
zeal of true crusaders. They had a reason . . . Please let me wake up, confess and roads. Miles and miles of coolies
there was a demand for a pickup to play both make up, laboring under inhuman conditions.
stereo and discrete (as well as SQ and QS) with But get me to the Church on Exploitation of the impoverished
total and absolute precision at one gram.
That they succeeded is a remarkable achieve-
time.... masses!! The stuff this country was
ment because this cartridge successfully tracks Thomas a Becket built on. And (wait'll you hear
all types of records at forces even lighter than Canterbury, England this), we have a sholin monk kill
one gram. It is a real first to do it this accurately. Emperor Thieu's nephew, then flee
Pickering's XUV/4500Q possesses excellent Sirs: to Amerika to work on the railroad.
performance characteristics that provide out- There I was, just minding my And we'll call it (Viet) Cong-Fu.
standing frequency response and separation be- own business, watching the movie,
yond 50 kHz. These improvements make possible
the most faithful reproduction of the 30 kHz when this big guy comes up and Brent Wiese
FM-modulated material on discrete records. jumps on me. What would you have Tidyville, Okla.
Pickering's exclusive new design development, done? I mean, I just figured the
which provides superior 4-channel discrete per- guy was nuts or something. How
formance, also greatly enhances the reproduc-
Sirs:
tion of stereo records. was I supposed to know the guy And then there's the one about
was a cop? And when I saw his the newly-converted Black Muslim
The specitications are so exciting that we
hope you will write to Pickering and Company,
buddy, well, I just figured I'd better who had read half of African Gene-
Inc. Dept. SR 101 Sunnyside Blvd., Plainview, do something quick, so I pulled my sis before somebody told him it
New York 11803 lor further information. pistol out. I mean, I wasn't going wasn't the Koran. We've got crates
to shoot him or anything, heck, I of stuff like that out here. Hoping
just wanted to scare him off or to hear from you soon.
something, you know. But in less Spence Kimball
"for those who can Ihearl the difference" time than it takes to operate the Salt Lake City
Presenting Long Johns:
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Menthol: 19 mg. "tar. 1.6 mg. nicotine; av. per cigarette by FIE method.

My Meter Is Running all. If I spilled the beans on him those friends who also had some-
continued from page 11 and his little spicky, it wouldn't thing on him. Anyway, I didn't
look too good. So I really had the feel guilty about it. A guy like that
the floor with them. The little spico son-of-a-bitch nailed. Maybe he wipes his ass with thousand dollar
doesn't even hear me. He's still on could've had me killed, now that I bills every day. Two hundred thou-
cloud nine. The guy with the hat look back on it. But right then and hand doesn't mean shit to him.
over his face looks up from the there he was shitting rainbow col- The next morning I go to this
floor, swallows a few times, shakes ors. What did I want, he asked address he gives me, a shitty look-
my hand, and says, "Hiya, fella." me. A thousand? Ten thousand? ing office building in the garment
It's Nelson Rockefeller. He gives Name my price. My own cab com- district. For some reason, Rocke-
me a big bullshit story about how pany? Nah, I didn't need that fuck- feller's office is called the Intercon-
important cabdrivers are, how we're ing headache. "Better yet, why not tinental Shipping and Forwarding
the best people in the world, the quit driving a cab and come work Company. It looked small from the
hub of our fucking city. I still re- for me?" he said. He said he'd give outside, but I could see that it took
member he said we're the hub, me a hundred thousand a year. I up the whole fucking floor. For all
whatever the fuck that means. And said, make it two hundred grand I know, the whole building was
then he puts a twenty dollar bill in and I'll take it. He shook my hand Rockefeller's. I had to fill out these
my hand and gives me the old to close the deal and I could feel papers just like any other job. Then
wink. This is supposed to make me his palm drenched with sweat. He I had to see this snotnose guy with
his asshole buddy, his lifelong was shaking like a fucking leaf. He a dark suit and little glasses.
friend. To tell you the truth, I told me where to go and who to Snotnose looks at my file. They
didn't a good goddamn about Rocke- see about my job and promised he already got a file on me. He notices
feller being a fairy. He could have would take good care of me. I fig- that I am a licensed fag detective.
been giving blow-jobs in Macy's ured, what the hell, why not go The police actually gave me a spe-
window at high noon for all I gave along with it? Two hundred thou- cial license because I work with
a shit. What pissed me off was how sand was a lot more than I was them a lot on cases involving fags.
he tried to buy me with a lousy making driving a fucking cab. And I got a special knack for spotting
twenty dollar bill. if I didn't like his job I could al- them. No matter how straight they
Now I'm no fucking blackmailer, ways go back to the cab, right? look, I can tell if they're homos.
but I got mad and told him what Anyway, I didn't have to hondle So Snotnose gets a brainstorm. I'm
he could do with his fucking twenty. with him. It was easier for a guy going to be a fag detective for
All of a sudden he got scared. like that to just give me a nice Rockefeller, a very important job.
Maybe it had something to do with cushy job, to make it all look good. Why does Rockefeller need a fag
all the bad publicity he was get- Or else give me a loan, like he detective? I ask. A good question,
ting at the time, his divorce and did with all those other people, all says Snotnose. And he tells me
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Who's Going To Be The Next Big God? Don't Look
BANDITS Now, But He Just Might Be Jewish! XLII
T h e Road to A t h e n s , Greece
IN THIS MONTH'S SCULPTUREPLM
annul PATRICU IAKE O'ROURKAE, Editor-in-Chief

JOHAN MILES, Executive Editor
LUCIAE GIKKUS, Senior Editor
DIANA AGRICOLA, Art Director
Gilgamesl):"My Old Friend Enkidu Speaks to Me
from Beyond the Grave!" Contributing Editors:
Excerpts From Kenneth Anger's Newest Book
Babylon Babylon
QUINTUS HORATICUS FLACCUS, ALBAS TIBULLUS, TITUS LIVIUS,
SEXY NICE GIRLS IN THEIR
SUUER UNDERTHINGS!
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Read the first excerpts from K e n n e t h MYTH A N D LEGEND MIRROR is inscribed by FIRST CENTURY COMMUNICATIONS, INC.
Angers red-hot, legend-world expose, OFFICE OF INSCRIPTION: DCXXXV Forum NE, Rome, Rome. Ilnd CLASS EPISTULAE PAID
Babylon Babylon! AT ROME. Inscribed monthly. All contents copyright IV B.C. No part of this inscription may be
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AVAILABLE AT NOVI STANDS EVERYWHERE cians.

AENEAS DISCOVERED
FROM WALK-ON TO HERO!
By SEXTUS PROPERTIUS but mom, no slouch herself in the romantic depart-

ment, says her Trojan-born boy is just looking for the
P. Virgilius ("call me Virgil") Maro is about to pro- right girl to settle down with and raise an Empire.
duce the "epic to end all epics," and has personally Virgil, whose G-rated Buccologues has been pack-
selected an unknown young demigod for the lead ing them in, believes the public is "fed up with all that
role. x-rated stuff, Catullus and those guys. Wholesome
Aeneas, glowingly described by Virgil as "pious," family fare is coming back," he predicts, and he must
was first noticed by "Virge" in a brief scene at the be doing something right, because his upcoming
end of Homer's box-office smash, The llliad. And— epic is to be bankrolled by none other than Caesar
wouldn't you know it—it turns out the young, good- Augustus.
looking kid is the son of ageless super-star Venus. Meanwhile, those two notorious wolves, Romulus
That, a divine torso, and his piety were all he needed and Remus, who thought they had the "Founder of
to test for—and win—the role of Founder of Rome. Rome" role all sewed up, have been complaining to
In spite of his "pious" image, the lad's brief but their dad, the well known star, Mars, himself the one-
fiery fling with Dido of Carthage has given him a "love time lover of—you guessed it—Venus. As Atlas used
'em and leave ' e m " reputation around tinsel town, to say, "Small world, isn't it?"
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. I

AROUND OETMPUS..
Everybody was at the feast Jupiter threw for King Peleus and his new bride Thetis, a Splitsville? N o b o d y ' s seen Cupid a n d
promising sea nymph. Everybody, that is, except discord goddess Eris . . . tongues are Psyche together for ages. Friends say he
wagging! keeps her in the dark about everything.
The latest Hercules labor, Cleaning the Aegean Stables, is play-

ing at local amphitheaters everywhere. Critics have said it Jason dumping Medea? Greek shipping magnate Jason and
stinks, but backers claim it's a big pecunia-maker. Creusa, pretty princess of Corinth, have been inseparable lately.
Recurring rumors about a drinking prob-

lem don't phase wine god Bacchus. "It's Venus won the coveted Gold Apple for "Fairest Supporting Goddess in a Greek Myth,"
nothing but jealousy," he says, "people but there were jealous rumblings aplenty from Juno and Minerva when Master of
have been saying those things ever since I Sacrifices Paris handed out the award. "This means war!" Minerva was heard to say
got my first big part in the mysteries." as she left the Mount Ida Apple Award festivities.

w^KS
Venus and Mars had always been close, but Vulcan wanted them to be even closer!
m inmm TRICK mm m
mm im MAMS UPmm
By Q U I N T U S H O R A T I C U S FLACCUS VULCAN MAKES HER STAY WITH
GOD OF WAR
"All I wanted to do was get out
of there," cried Venus later, "but I
was stuck! Vulcan was forcing me
Venus and the handsome red- to stay right there tangled up with
eyed god of war. . . . The two adul- Mars. Why, that net was fine as
t e r o u s l o v e r s were p e a c e f u l l y gossamer, yet real cunning of de-
asleep, their passions exhausted, sign, so the more I struggled, the
when suddenly, who should return more it just forced me back into
earlyfroma businesstripto Mars' arms!"
Lemnos?! It was Vulcan, jealous "Helios tipped me off," said Vul-
husband and O l y m p u s ' top can. "He was on his morning sun
smithy. The lovers wake with a route and he saw them together up
start, but when they try to jump out at this place Mars has in Thrace.
of bed, they realize the horrible I'm asking Jupiter to grant a di-
truth—they're caughtU Enmeshed vorce, and believe you me, I don't
in a golden skein forged on the want to here any noise about ali-
"What he did was just the opposite of try-
ing to keep us apart!"
Hephaestean anvil!!! mony When (Continued on page LXXIX)
^\3^^^^\B^^HB\B^^3^^\s\3\B\H^^^\3\3\n\3{3^^^^^3^^^^^^^^^^^^^^[
13 51
mortal, but his father, Jupiter, is divine. A. Theseus has the lead role in Plu- 51
| CM Jhc fydhoilA Q. How's lo these days? I understand
she got very sick while oh the set for
tarch's Phaedra, due to be released at
the end of the Augustan Age. Theseus
51
51
13 Answers to Readers' Questions her last legend. will play an aging King of Athens,
51
1 from the Insides of Animals —E. I., Crete whose young bride falls in love with
his son by an Amazon previous wife. 51
IS Q. Whatever happened to that river
nymph Daphne who Apollo seemed to
A. lo had a serious gadfly attack and
doctors blamed it on a strenuous
51
IS have such a thing for? myth-making schedule that had her on
Q. Now that Lares and Penates are
household words, will success spoil
51
IS — C . V., Herculeum location in lllyria, the Ionian Sea, Mt. 51
1 Haemus, the Bosphorus, Scythia, and
their wholesome appeal?
— M . C , Gaul 51
IS A. Daphne's a laurel tree now and liv-
ing quietly in the Parnassus neighbor-
the country of the Cimmerians. She's
better now and recovering on theA. No, as far as anyone can tell,they're
51
IS hood. She's reported to be very happy still the same modest stay-at-home
banks of the Nile, where she's living 51
IS and has no plans to get back into demigods they always were. Not like
with her father, Inachus, a former 51
IS myths. river god. ex-local fertility spirit Priapus, whose 51
IS Q. I hear Hercules is mortal. Is this Q. I'm a tremendous Theseus fan, and quick popularity made him too big for
his britches.
51
IS true? I loved him in Journey to the Under- To have your questions Heiromanced, write: 51
IS — Q . M., Thessaly
world. Does he plan to make any more VESTAL VIRGINS 51
IS A. Only on his mother's side. Her- myths soon? Temple of the Vestal Virgins Bldg. 51
IS cules' mother Alcmena was indeed a —K. V., Phoenecia Rome, Rome 51
IS
13333^ÊI333SS3333333E193S33E]E1E]E133E1E1E]E1E]3E]E]E]E13§133EI
c
handle . . . and he is apparently in dan-
ger of being fired . . .BACCHUS, who 'Recipe$ oJ*the(*Legend$
Pandora's was arrested on a drunk and disorder-

ly charge last week . . . he seems to be
developing quite a problem. Pink ele-
phants are one thing . . . but pink
Box panthers'?. . .PYGMALION and GALA-

TEA, stars of the hottest myth to hit
the Forum since Odyssey! The two
have been seeing a good deal of each
other, both in and out of the amphi-
THESEUS and ARIADNE's marriage is theater. Rumor has it that Gal's acting,
reputedly on the rocks. She's suing a bit wooden at first, has improved be-
for divorce on the grounds of deser- cause the love scenes she plays with
tion . . . and you'll never guess whom Pygmalion are the real thing.
This month, King
he's been seen with—PHAEDRA, his
Tantalus gives us a
wife's sister! Ariadne, as you might re- As if APOLLO doesn't have enough "tantalizing" taste
call, was a great help to Theseus early trouble with his errant son, he is now of cuisine from the
in his career, getting him his first big in mourning for close friend HYACIN- House of Atreus
role in her father's myth, The Laby- THUS, killed in a discus-throwing ac-
rinth (Minotaur Productions). But sis- cident here last week. Friends say he
STEWED HUBRIS
ter Phaedra's been stringing him hasn't taken anything this hard since
along for a while now, and it looks DAPHNE split for a more pastoral ex- LXXV pounds first born son
like she finally caught him. istence. She's been communing with Vll-and-a-half cups of flour
nature . . . a friend reports that the wild XXX teaspoons salt
Reports from Syracuse confirm that partying that went on at Apollo's drove Vll-and-a-half teaspoons pepper
DAMON and PYTHIAS have been in- her up a tree. XC tablespoons butter
separable of late. They insist, how-
XC tablespoons chopped suet or other fat
ever, that they're "just good friends." JUPITER is fuming at DIANA's rather
XLV cups water
nasty treatment of ACTAEON, who ac-
Everyone knows by now whom ECHO cidentally stumbled upon her in the CLXXX small onions, sliced
is referring to in her new hit single. It bath . . . and didn't live to tell about it. CL small carrots, diced
seems she and the gentleman had But JUNO's secretly pleased . . . it
quite a thing going for a while. Poor seems that Actaeon is a cousin of Cut your son in ll-inch squares and
Echo is just a shadow of her former EUROPA, one of Jupiter's recent roll in flour mixed with salt and pep-
self. amours—and Juno gets pretty nasty per; saute in suet until well browned.
herself when Jupiter is involved. If you Transfer boy to heated casserole;
People are worshipping... don't believe us, ask INO! add water to drippings in pan, bring
to a boil,and pour over child. Cover
PHAETON, hottest young god in the All Heaven was shocked by the un- and bake in moderate oven (CCCL°)
Pantheon, just signed to a five-year timely death of BELLEROPHON, ru- for about III hours, adding onions
contract at Olympic Myths, Inc. Every- mored to be the son of no less a deity and carrots, sauteed in butter, half
body's wondering if he'll show as than POSEIDON himself. The debo- an hour before lad is done. Also,
much talent as father APOLLO . . . nair young man was killed in an un- your son can be cooked slowly in
Phaeton is out to prove he can make fortunate riding accident. This popular tightly covered kettle on top of stove.
it on his own, without daddy's help. escort of many a nymphette will be Serves XII principle gods of Olym-
But studio bigwigs find him difficult to sorely missed. pus.
THE SINGER WHO DIED YOUNG

ORPHEUS. WE MISS YOU
This month marks the anniversary of the tragic death of a young
singer many called the greatest ever. His life was marked by tragedy
—the loss of his young and beautiful wife, Eurydice, put him through
hell. But "don't look back" was his motto, and he returned to his show
business career. His own death was, ironically, a result of his popu-
larity. Call them fans, groupies, maenids, what you will, the young
women who made up most of his loyal audience rushed the stage one
night, hoping for an autograph, a lock of hair, an arm, a leg, any
souvenir of their idol.
Orpheus died, but his songs, such as " I Fall to Pieces," "Take
Another Piece of My Heart," and "All of Me," live on. He is still a star
He Made Rocks Roll today.
IV Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

They were all going through changes...
Publius M i d a s : He thought money bought happiness.
Ovidius
D a n a e : Golden showers were her trick.
L e d a : She did it with swans.
Nuso's D a m o n a n d P h y t h i a s : They were close. Too close.
D i a n a : T h e virgin who went skinny dipping at the stag

party.
THE P l u t o : T h e biggest name in the Underworld.
METAMORPHOSIS
They're all in
METAMORPHOSIS
by Ovid
Ovid... whose best selling Art of Love was banned in Pompeii... tears
the lid of the sleepy Elysian Fields, where every party is an orgy,
and Immortal is spelled with no " T"!
Do Yon Hate What You See Emu Time You Look

Into Still Sptin$ Watet Of A Piece Of Polished
Silm? Then let Me Give You
A WHOLE NEW LOOK IN JUSTISECOND
W h y w a i t m o n t h s , days, or even minutes w h e n , using the magic of sorcery,
I can g u a r a n t e e a complete transformation in only I s e c o n d — w i t h no bo-
t h e r s o m e diets, expensive pills, or tiring exercises, a n d all right in
the privacy of m y o w n island. You'll be amazed as a w h o l e n e w
world opens up to a w h o l e n e w you—you'll grunt, wallow, root
for acorns and, best of all, eat as much as you want.'
Dramatic Testimony from Trojan War Vet The Famous Aegean witch Jjjj
Free! (enclose MDC sesterces to feed rowers
CIRCE
Dept. MLM
Aegea, Mediterranean
Dear Circe:
Here's my MDC sesterces. Send me all the facts and
details about your fabulous plan to give me a totally
new body. I understand I'm under no obligation to
BEFORE
ever return home.
"I lost III feet, IV inches of height and added VI nipples to my
bust " —Eurylochus Name
Bottom, Aegean Sea Address
City, State.
PUT THIS COUPON IN A BOAT RIGHT NOW!

All
Creatures
Even
Bees by Ted Mann
t w a s n ' t easy for a newly
1 qualified veterinarian to
I get a j o b in 1952. So you
I can imagine how pleased
I I was to be offered a job
at the Farmer Animal
Hospital, even though the
pay was only three dollars a month
with room and board.
When the bus dropped me off in
front of the hospital, I stood for a
moment wondering just what the
future held in store for me there.
Then, shaking my head, I made my
way up the path between the potted
geraniums and rapped loudly on the
door. After some minutes had
passed, it was open by a flustered
middle-aged lady who breathlessly
introduced herself as Miss Nora
Wills.
"I'm the bookkeeper here. Wolf-
gang Farmer is out on a house
call . . . a cage call, actually. This
time it's a canary with an impacted
anus. It shouldn't take him long
to clear that up. Though you'd never
guess that from the way he was
continued

continued
cursing when he left." She led me stone. The customer was a doctor But the canny Scot was not about
down a hallway and into Farmer's and went straight to the ASPCA. to get his arm broken by a cow's
comfortable consulting room. "Land They were around here thick as cunt. "Oi'll create a diversion, and
sakes, all he has to do is heat up flies on a dead dog's eye." while the bonny beastie is dis-
some number seven gauge copper- Just then, a merry peal of laugh- tracted, Oi'll insert me arm and
coated wire with a blowtorch and ter shook the room. A squat, swart, yank out the calf." So saying, he
push it up birdy's b u t t . . . honestly, bald man of about fifty stepped stuffed a lit cherry bomb into the
to hear him talk, you'd think it was through the door. "I'm Wolfgang stunned cow's mouth. When the
the end of the world." Farmer," he said, holding out about blast had gone off and the cow
I nodded sagely in agreement, five pounds of heavily veined top stared, stupified, at her teeth lying
even though I knew that Miss Wills' ground round for me to shake. "I in the manger, the highlander
treatment hadn't been in use for see Twisted has been telling you reached in and snared the calf's foot
twenty years. Still, these folk rem- some of our troubles. Honestly, with a binder twine noose. T h e cow
edies tend to linger on. People are sometimes I don't know how we never lived that could best Angus
often quite startled to see a young keep going." He chortled and McHebrides...
vet treat their constipated canary dragged four square feet of terry We all laughed loudly. Twisted
with sophisticated new techniques, towel across his perspiring brow. began yet another story when he
like blowing down the bird's gullet Then, clearing his throat loudly, he was interrupted by the cheerful
with a flex-i-straw, or probing the hawked into his left front shirt dingle-dingle of the bell on the
rectal region with a tiny corkscrew. pocket. "Do you know, I've even waiting room door. "That'll be your
"When will Mr. Farmer be back?" had to build a phony surgery out first case!" Wolfgang hollered as
I asked politely. front so they don't find out what his chair went over backwards.
"God only knows," she said, the real one looks like?" I stepped self-consciously into
throwing her hands up dramatical- "That's right," said Twisted, the waiting room, and was surprised
ly. She had been out of the room butting in. "It cost us thirty bucks. to see a small girl standing uncer-
only a few moments when a young I bought a clean bedsheet and we tainly in the midst of that linoleum
man with a puckish grin and cheeks spread it over a picnic table Wolf- prairie. She started when she saw
like a matched set of rotting apples gang stole from the adventure play- me, then wordlessly held up a scum-
stuck his head in the door. ground one night. Then we lined my baggy of brown water in which
"I don't suppose you'd care for the shelves with preserve jars full floated an upside-down goldfish.
a smash of Gordon's gin," he said. of colored water so they'd think it "Dear me," I mumbled "it does look
"It's certain Gordon won't mind, was medicine . . . " as though your little fish has . . ."
hah-hah." He must have seen me "That was my idea," said Wolf- Just then I noticed Miss Wills
glance at my watch, for he added, gang, snatching at the gin bottle. beckoning frantically at me from
"Don't worry about the time. Any- "Yeah, but it was my idea to put the surgery door. "Excuse me for
time's the right time to blow your those Q-tips in a jar of piss. That a moment," I said, and stepped over
brains out on Gordon's. Hah-hah. really throws them for a loop." to see what she wanted.
We're dissipated as hell here, don't Miss Wills, who was passing by "Tell her you'll fix it," she hissed.
you know?" Then, producing two the door, sniffed loudly. "Who sug- "What?"
glasses, he banged them on Wolf- gested hanging the gin bottle upside "Tell her you'll fix it. Get five
gang's desk and filled them to the down from the hat rack? Mercy me, bucks from her and slip out the
brim. I sipped politely at my drink I don't know where they think back door to Woolworth's. Goodness
while he poured his down with one we're going to lay our hands on gracious, they've got Goldy's twin
smooth flick of the wrist. dog blood." brother on sale today for 39 cents."
"So," he said with a satisfied "Sure," said Twisted, "I never I took Miss Wills' advice and
cough. "You're to be the new as- heard of one walking into a blood the little girl's money, and after
sistant. That's fine with me; it donor clinic. . . ." We all burst out some argument with a clerk at
means I'll have less work to do. laughing, and the room became in- Woolworth's (who suspected I was
I'm Terry Farmer, Wolfgang's fused with a feeling of warmth, a buying the fish for my cat), I man-
brother. I'd remember that if I were human warmth that filled the room aged to obtain a fine, healthy speci-
you. Most people just call me up and spilled out into the hall, men for a bargain price.
Twisted. It's kind of a nickname, almost as if someone had set a The little girl was overjoyed
don't you see?" He poured himself wastepaper basket on fire. It was when I presented her with the new
another glass of Gordon's, and then, then I realized that I was going to fish. "Oh, Goldy! Now that the nice
deftly blocking one nostril with a enjoy working at the Farmer Ani- man has made you all better, I
fat finger, he blew a grimy booger mal Hospital. We sat in the con- promise I'll never let that old
square in the center of the Codex sulting room over our gins and re- Marsha Hildon take you to school
Ethacarium Vetenerice, which had counted many a merry story. Twist- again. I don't care if she gives me
been stapled to a piece of plywood ed's tales were the funniest. He told two new pencils."
and mounted on the rosewood-pan- us the one about the flinty old \ Rejoining Wolfgang and Twisted
neled wall. Scotch vet, Angus McHebrides. It in the consulting room, I flipped the
I mumbled under my breath and seems McHebrides was called out five bucks onto the table with a
took another sip of gin. Twisted late one night to attend the calv- j studied casualness. Wolfgang broke
appeared to take no notice, but, ing of an old milk cow by the name : off in midsentence and stared a t
leaning forward, whispered con- of Blossom. This cow was famous me. I told him what had happened
spiratorially, "We have to be care- for the power of her vaginal sphinc- and awaited their hearty congrat-
ful around here, you know. We ter, which was said to have been ulations. Nothing doing.
were investigated the other day. It able to bend a two inch bar of cold "We get kids like that in here all
was all Wolfgang's fault. He tossed rolled steel or snap a rake handle the time," said Wolfgang. "Just the
a lump of cement in a dissecting like a pencil. And it was into this other day, two kids came in with
tray, and after dumping steak sauce cow that Angus had to stick his a half-dead, tick-ridden pigeon
all over it, he tried to convince a skinny arm to drag out a twisted they had found in the street. Son-
customer it was his pussy's gall- calf. of-a-bitch. That fucking gutter eagle
•10 N A T I O N A L L A M P O O N Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.
looked like it had been run over by edge of Wolfgang's naugahyde Wolfgang put on a serious face
engine company number three. Hell, couch, clutching a small, timid dog when I told him the news. "Dear,
what could I say? I like kids as whose two eyes glowed like ciga- dear. So Fritz has gone to heaven,"
much as the next guy. I told them rette ends from beneath tufts of he said, picking up the phone. "We'll
I'd do everything I could for sick silky hair. "I—I'd like to have have to put him in intensive care."
birdie and after they left I tossed Philip . . . altered. It won't. . . hurt He dialed Mrs. Dufus' number.
it out back." him, will it?" "Hello, Mrs. Dufus? I'm afraid your
"What do you do when they I thought of Wolfgang out back, Fritz's illness is more serious than
come back for a visit?" a cigar clamped between his yellow we thought. It wasn't just a cold
Twisted spoke up. "That's where teeth, a pair of bloody tin snips after all. No, he's suffering from
I come in. I give them the sorrow- jutting from the back pocket of his engorged blood and his heart's
ful doctor routine. I tell them that coveralls, and a rusty hacksaw swollen up to the size of a balloon.
the sewer falcon must have lost his slung carelessly around the neck of We're going to put him into inten-
will to live somewhere along the a gallon jug of Gordon's gin. sive care. Perhaps you should come
line even though Wolfgang here," "They never know what hit 'em, down right away. There's no saying
he gestured at his brother, "did ma'am." how long he will last. Right, you'll
everything he could, including in- "Oh, that's nice. I don't want to be down right away. Very good."
stalling brand new lungs and a hurt Philip, but he ruined a Shiraz "Grab the dead mutt!" he shouted
liver that cost $49.50." carpet the other day and lately at me and headed off down the hall.
"And," added Wolfgang, "if the I've been worried he'll get to the "Miss Wills, I'm afraid we're going
kids should feel like offering us guest towels." to have to use your office again. In-
their next three years' allowance, we "Yes, I quite understand." Then tensive care, you know. . . ." With
don't complain. Do we, Twisted?" I'd scoop the bowser up under one much grumbling, the old spinster
"Nofuckingway," said Twisted. arm; and before I could get half- gathered up her invoice pads and
way out of the room, I'd hear Miss ledgers and headed off to make the
Wills' strident voice. "That'll be consulting room her temporary
- The next few weeks passed quick- $27.50, ma'am." headquarters.
ly for me as I gained that practical Twisted was always around, "Right," said Wolfgang, seem-
experience so necessary to a young weaving through the surgery and ingly galvanized to action. "Twist-
vet just out of school. I still re- consulting room like a sperm in a ed, get the oxygen tent in here. And
member how strangely thrilled I petrie dish, throwing off jokes and the plasma, don't forget the plasma.
felt watching Wolfgang at work in breaking the tension. He'd claim Oh, and the TV, and hurry up, will
his back room, cutting the nuts off that he knew a vet who would de- you!"
doggies and flinging them carelessly worm poodles with a crab fork or Twisted bustled into the room
over his shoulder into a greasy oil maintain that the best way to re- and began arranging a bunch of dry
drum which stood in the corner. move a cat's gallstones was to press cleaner's bags stuck together with
"Once a week we sell that crap them out with a rolling pin. Once scotch tape over a coat hanger
to the Mandarin Palace," he ex- he told me a joke that made my frame across the dead pooch's body.
plained. trocar slip and pop a German "Oxygen tent," he explained, and
When the waiting room bell shepherd's aorta. I was horrified. began to hum "How Much Is That
tinkled, I would duck out to see the The dog belonged to one of our Doggy in the Window." He ducked
clients. Often I would find an elder- wealthiest customers, Mrs. Rudy out of the room for a minute, and
ly lady perched nervously on the Dufus. reappeared with an old TV chassis
"I am Gorkxx from the planet Verga. Want an enema?'
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. NATIONAL LAMPOON 41

From Deep Purple to a totally new spectrum.
RITCHIE BLACKMORE'S
Ritchie Blackmore. One of the founders and
driving forces of Deep Purple. He went in search
of new colors. He found the voice of Ronnie James
Dio.
Together,they entered into a new spectrum of
sound. Exploding with a rainbow w e can hear. All
hues. All tones. Every color in music.
Ritchie Blackmore's Rainbow. The first album from
1975s rock super group.
JH
^v*"
p ooTva
lvdor
On Polydor Records and Tapes.
An open,
uncensored letter
from Mark Rudd
At this very moment,

there are thousands of
Americans being held
behind bars —in Spain,
Turkey, Morocco, Peru-
men and women slapped
into jails without trials,
for petty or trumped-up
offenses—in a flaunting
of international law and
human decency. One such
victim is Mark Rudd, the
leader of the 1968 Colum-
bia University strike,
SDS spokesman and
Weatherperson, who
allegedly "dropped out"
and "went underground"
in 1970. On July 26 of this
year (ironically enough,
the date of the so-called
Cuban Revolution), the
National Lampoon re-
ceived a letter and photo-
graphs from Cuba that
confirmed what our reli-
able sources had already
told us. Mark Rudd is
now being held captive on
a Cuban Homo Farm. This
is his letter, smuggled out
at great risk. We are
proud and honored to
publish it.
The Editors
continued
continued
Dear National Lampoon: beans, brown beans, green beans, and the amazing blue
I guess I am choosing you and y o u r readers to tell my beans of S a n t a Clara, which no one outside of Cuba h a s
story to because you people can best appreciate the irony ever t a s t e d - I was able to tear off a lust-discouraging fart
of my situation. There was no point in sending my letter to every time one of those horny Latins tried to get familiar
the National Review or the New York Review of Books. with my tender Jersey tush. I realize how tasteless this
The old left won't knock Cuba and the old right still hates may sound, b u t when it's your ass on the line, you fight
my guts, I suppose. Besides, irony is so much a part of the with the best weapon you have. (By the way, beans are all
human condition, the human comedy, as it were, and you
you get to eat in this country. No rice at all. All t h a t stuff
people at the National Lampoon really understand the
about Cuban rice is some kind of propaganda —probably tc
world from a comic point of view. (Oh, how I remember
laughing and chuckling with issues of the National appease the Chinese.)
Lampoon in the good old days, when I was hiding out in
, California!)
Thank goodness I still have my sense of humor. If I
didn"t, I would have killed myself in this place a long time
ago. The place which I am referring to, where I am being
held prisoner against my will, is a Cuban homo farm.
Before I describe the sheer horror of the conditions here,
you people and your readers might appreciate the comique
mise-en-scene, the absurd way this all came about. It began
in Havana, in 1971. I slipped out of the States and joined
up with an ad hoc Venceramos Brigade, enlisted to cut
sugar cane, something I was proud and happy to do.
Because of the change in climate and diet, I caught a bad
cold. I always get chapped lips and cold sores when I get a
cold. Even during the Columbia thing I had cold sores. Ask
anybody who was there. I probably went through more
Chap Sticks than Abbie went through coke.
But this time, as I was applying the Chap Stick, m y All prisoners are brutally tatooed upon entering the
Intourist guide, Anselmo, knocked it out of my hand, homo farm by a half-blind artist who is always drunk.
grabbed me, and said I was under arrest. He kept calling
me a maricon, a homosexual —a degenerate Yankee come to I kept trying to get someone in t h a t truckload of degen-
corrupt the youth of Cuba. A trial was held in one of the erates to tell me where we were going. They j u s t laughed
hotel rooms while they were barbecuing two chickens and and giggled. Finally, a boy named Raoul (who looked like a
a baby goat. I was given a chance to defend myself and I nicer guy than the rest —more sensitive, if you know what
tried to explain t h a t Chap Stick was not lipstick. B u t m y I mean), explained things. We were being taken to a
Spanish was far from fluent, and consequently I kept using Granjero dos Maricones somewhere in the Sierras. A homo
words t h a t rhymed. That did it. If there's one thing Fidel's farm, to put it bluntly— a place where homosexuals are
regime hates more than homos, it's homo poets. The next supposed to be "rehabilitated" and converted into normal
thing I knew, I was being hustled into a '56 Dodge pickup, men, or what the Cubans consider normal men, full-blown
and I was heading for the mountains. macho types. Well, I t h o u g h t to myself... if t h a t ' s w h a t
they do at the Granjero, I have nothing to worry about.
My last (and only) homosexual experience occurred when I
was eleven years old with my cousin Josh, and we both
hated it. Besides, we were just kids doing what millions of
other healthy kids do in their adolescent sexual experi-
mentation stage. Let me say right here t h a t I like to do
girls, not boys. And if I can't get any girls, I'll release m y
frustrations manually, not with people of my own sex.
That's not to say t h a t I don't have so-called feminine as
well as masculine traits. We all have. I'm j u s t giving you
my sexual preferences. I'm as macho as the next guy.
I will protest no more.
I can see why Fidel started the homo farms. When I
came to Cuba, I thought it was going to be the closest
thing to an ideal Socialist state. I t h o u g h t I would see the
future really work. And in many ways, it does w o r k . . .
everyone gets adequate housing, free medical care, discount
tickets to baseball games. B u t even Fidel (no one calls him
Castro down here) admits t h a t Cuba is not yet perfect. And
one of the major flaws, he feels, is the number of maricones
still prevalent. To Fidel, the homosexual clearly symbolizes
Irony of ironies: The whores that Fidel sends to rehabil- the decadent, unproductive, trashy lifestyle t h a t perme-
itate us are ripped off by the corrupt guards as soon as ated Cuba before the Revolution. Now to me, t h a t makes
they get off the truck. sense. If there's one lesson the Russian and Chinese revolu-
tions taught us, it's t h a t you can't make an omelet without
My troubles started immediately. Here I was, in a throwing a lot of innocent people into the slammer.
broken down truck, in pitch darkness, wedged in between
twenty-nine Cuban homos. I was the "white meat;' the Of course I got a completely different argument from
center of attraction. I could have been gang-banged right Raoul and his fruitbar friends. They gave me t h a t whole
on the truck if i t wasn't for m y m o s t lethal defensive paranoid fag trip. T h a t it was b y no means unpatriotic to
weapon, a weapon I am forced to use even now —gas. be a homosexual. Che was a h o m o s e x u a l . . . they all knew
Thanks to my Cuban diet of beans —red beans, black people who knew people who'd slept with Che. That's why
44 NATIONAL LAMPOON
he had to leave Cuba. And of course, Fidel and his brother After weeks and weeks of indoctrination we had to
are closet fags, what with all their protesting and macho attend classes in macho techniques and styles —fighting
posturing. In fact, the whole Cuban macho thing is really with broken beer bottles, beating women (we used life-size
the old closet rough trade syndrome. And so on and so rubber models), and simply acting like studs. Speaking of
forth. studs, a big old guy called "Superman" who was once con-
I t t u r n s out t h a t these guys believe (I don't know if it's sidered a famous porno star in Cuba, gave lectures in sex
true, but now I'll believe anything) t h a t there's a big, technique. B u t right now he is definitely past his prime and
active maricon underground in Cuba t h a t will surface any it was disgusting to see him whip out his withered old tool
day now. They smuggle in prints of J u d y Garland movies and wave it around. Naturally, all the fags went crazy
and Lou Reed albums. They're translating Gore Vidal over it.
novels and writing transvestite shows. Everyone in the
movement pretends to like baseball and pinching girls'
asses and all t h a t macho stuff, but they all believe they'll
be liberated soon. For some reason, they expect New York's
Buckley family to sponsor an invasion t h a t will turn the
country over to them.
Suddenly, all the conversation is brought to a halt as we
find ourselves a t the entrance to the homo farm. We have
been traveling until dawn. We are pushed and jabbed out
of the truck by a group of snarling, rifle-toting g u a r d s and
we stand at attention in the courtyard, where we are
addressed by a soldier who looks like Gilbert Roland after
a bad knife fight. He gives us the usual spiel about making
us into "real men" tough, proud Cuban macheros, and how
there will be no trouble as long as everyone obeys orders
and realizes the errors of their ways.
The next morning, I saw m y golden chance to explain
myself and get out of this mess while we were getting our
physical examinations. The camp doctor reminded me of an
abortionist I once had to visit in Astoria, Queens. He was
a swarthy Latin with thin, plastered-down black hair
parted in the middle, a pencil mustache, huge loosely-
hanging jowls, and breath so bad it cut through me like a
laser beam. His nicotine-stained fingers trembled notice-
ably as he attempted to examine me. (By the way, there are
no psychiatrists in Cuba. The people have very few per-
sonal problems.)
I told him who I was and related the Chap Stick story,
t h a t utterly banal incident t h a t was magnified to almost
Kafka-esque proportions. He shrugged and said t h a t many / know it sounds hard to believe, but there's a closet
homosexuals use Chap Stick. They like the way it feels on queen in every closet on the farm.
their lips when they kiss. I kept insisting I was normal.
I showed him pictures of my old girlfriends, Bernadine Superman's lectures were accompanied by endless
Dohrn, Kathy Boudin, Susan Saxe. I begged him t o certify screenings of prerevolutionary eight millimeter porno-
me as a normal hetero. I cried and screamed. Finally I graphic movies which were supposed to excite us—the
started to m a s t u r b a t e with Bernadine's picture. T h a t so-called legendary Cuban pornos. Maybe Fidel has the
would show him. But it was awfully hard to get it up under good ones. All we saw were scratchy, grainy old flicks of
those circumstances. Besides, Bernadine was sort of fat ladies with masks doing it with dogs, fighting chickens,
AC-DC. The doctor sighed. H e had seen this routine hun- and the perennial dentist with the black socks. And all it
dreds of times, he said. B u t he knew a homo when he saw did was give all those fruitbats the giggles.
one, and he considered me a raving fruitbar. When we weren't given macho technique classes, we had
"Why? Why do you think I'm a homo?" to work in the fields, cutting sugar, or take baseball prac-
"Because you came here to the homo farm. Whoever tice. The guards loved to give us sliding practice, without
comes to the homo farm is a homo. It is decreed so by Fidel"' pads. They also liked to pitch to us, aiming at our heads
I now realized t h a t I was living a nightmare. During the most of the time. They wouldn't allow us to wear helmets.
next few months, I tried all sorts of appeals and s t r a t a g e m s Every S a t u r d a y night, a busload of women, real old
to convince the officials and the other prisoners t h a t I was time Havana hookers wearing red silk dresses slit up the
straight, t h a t I didn't belong on the farm. But it was no side, arrived at the camp. We were all supposed to be as
use. Nobody believed me. If I'm straight, why do I hold the horny as hell by this time. And Fidel, back in H a v a n a ,
baseball b a t like t h a t ? Why do I hold my cigar like t h a t ? figured t h a t we'll j u m p on these women, screw their brains
Why do I hold m y machete like that? W h y am I sucking out, and become real men again. But what he didn't know
sugar cane? And if I'm so straight, what am I doing on a was t h a t the guards a t the farm were totally corrupt. They
farm with a hundred screaming homos? grabbed the women off the bus, took them into their pri-
vate quarters.and plowed them right through Sunday
And so I had to face the fact t h a t I was a prisoner,
evening. We would hear them yelling and singing and
going through the same "rehabilitation" as the real homos.
drinking, while we walked around the yard, nursing our
First we went through the indoctrination period—the
hard-ons. A t least, I nursed my own. The rest of the guys
brainwashing lectures about the greatness of Cuban macho,
nursed each others.
from Jose Marti to Fidel Castro. There was also hypnosis,
films of homosexuals torturing children and burning This is the ironic part. Instead of curing you, the place
women —and constantly, the voice of Fidel over the loud- made you more of a homo than ever! The whole macho
speakers and in the earphones we had to wear all day, training thing was a big farce. The harder they tried, the
exhorting us to be manly and tough. more the fags resisted. They actually enjoyed the place and
continued
My years of captivity have not been without certain
lessons learned. I learned t h a t the new Socialist states have
as many flaws as the Capitalist ones, and they are capable
of the same kind of cruelty and injustice. I have learned
t h a t m y plight is shared by thousands of other innocent
Americans, unjustly imprisoned in the festering jails of
both left- and right-wing countries.My letter is a plea for
all prisoners held unjustly. We are the ignored ones, the
forgotten ones, the ones the Marines never rescue.
I have also learned t h a t it is possible to work for a better
society within the system, rather than trying to overthrow
it. If I were freed and allowed to return, I would work
within the system for a better America.
Therefore, I ask for amnesty, not only because I confess
to the errors of my past, but because I offer my country a
way to heal its wounded pride after the long and bitter
Vietnam war and the infamous Bay of Pigs affair. If
arrangements are made for my release from this homo
farm, I am prepared to give the CIA and the Joint Chiefs of
Staff an intelligence report on a site along the Cuban coast
t h a t is absolutely perfect for a full-scale invasion, an inva-
sion t h a t is guaranteed to succeed. I cannot reveal the site
at this moment, but I can assure you t h a t once a landing is
made, the entire island can be captured within a week. The
Raoul and I made a valiant attempt, disguising our-

selves as a cow and jumping on a cattle car. Unfortu-
nately, we had to surrender at the slaughterhouse. (A
Gramma newsfoto.J
the idea of putting on the teachers and the g u a r d s . Almost
every day, a new truckload of prisoners arrived. I suspect
it's because the new Women's Liberation thing is catching
on, and more and more Cuban men are turning gay in self-
defense. If you pinch a girl's ass in Havana today, she's
likely to karate chop your balls off. And the farm was
getting a kind of underground notoriety. S and M freaks
were especially attracted to it and made outright overtures
to the guards, begging for the old cigar b u t t on the arm
trick. The fags now think of themselves as m a r t y r s to their
"causa".' No matter how rough the teachers and the g u a r d s
get, the men don't crack. The only time they go through Raoul fails miserably in his macho batting stance,
the motions of behaving like heterosexuals is when Fidel destroying the stereotype of all Cubans being natural
himself makes his annual visit, and everyone p u t s on a big baseball players.
show for him.
plan was devised by my only friend, Raoul, a dedicated
T h e fags have their own way of determining who is g a y anti-Castroite who asks to be released with me, as p a y m e n t
and who isn't, and the}' claim t h a t Fidel is definitely one of for the plan. Raoul wants to go to New York. He has heard
them. They insist he returns all their subtle signals and wondrous things about Greenwich Village, Soho, Times
approaches in the right manner and is with them 100 per- Square, and the other gay enclaves, and wants to be a
cent. When the time is ripe, he will show his true colors. "superstar" as he so ingenuously p u t s it in his charming
Meanwhile, he too has to put on the big macho front. lisp. The point is, Raoul's plan has been checked and
"He's beginning to talk to us in wink language, if you double-checked. It is not the scheme of a fool or a madman.
know what I mean" said Miguel , one of the cell It is an airtight plan.
block leaders. "He tells us this same joke every year, a ter- I urge, I beg the editors of the National Lampoon and
rible joke about cocks and cockfighting.. .you know, the its readers to p u t pressure on the President and, especially,
fighting b i r d s . . . full of terrible puns. But now Fidel gives it the Vice-President to act quickly. Think of the effect an
new meaning, the way he emphasizes certain words and invasion and takeover of Cuba would have on the other
g e s t u r e s . . . we know what he really means!" countries where Americans are unjustly imprisoned. Think
And, of course, the fags have to behave themselves and of the restoration of our national pride and dignity (a
act rehabilitated while Fidel is given the V I P tour, because timely tie-in with our Bicentennial celebration). And if you
if they don't, they will g e t t h e old "shot while trying to want more selfish reasons, think of enjoying a good Cuban
escape" punishment from the guards. cigar again, or a bottle of Cuban rum.
And so the guards are getting their rocks off on the Viva La Causa Nueva!
whores and the fags. The fags are still getting it off on each
other, still believing t h a t their revolution is coming. And
I'm caught in the middle.
46 NATIONAL LAMPOON
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1. Guess how many headline entries we got?
2. Guess how many are useable?
'(answers below)
Bruce Springsteen DR. HOOK Bankrupt ft
Born To Run Kenmsscmce FRANK ZAPPA
including: and The
Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out/Jungleland
Backstreets/Thunder Road/She's The One
MOTHERS °f INVENTION
ONE SIZE FITS ALL
Scr?er?eraxcibe /% Includes Inca Roads/ Florentine Pogen

up mib other stones
Andy/Po-Jama People
on Columbia on Capitol on Sire on Warner Brothers
*$s%> i POCO
.:>,, BOB DYLAN
" AND THE BAND
^srô i HEAD OVER HEELS i

T H E BASEMENT TAPES
including:
Please,Mrs.Henry/Tears Of Rage
Crash On The Levee (Down In The Flood)
Tiny Montgomery/Nothing Was Delivered
BLUES FOR ALLAH

Includes: Franklin's Tower
King Solomon's Marbles • n
Crazy Rngers / Blues For Allah l / j
on Motown on United Artists on ABC on Columbia
•
AUi
WINGS
Venus and Ms C L I M A X
B L U E S B A N D
HBKHPBBK*
::
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*1. We got 1,742 entries.

2. None were useable~just buy the records!
Thevvorld's largest record departrnent.
Come inforour low, low price!

by Wayne McLaughlin, text by Gerald Sussman
I
I he Grand Canyon was commissioned by Presi- were carved out of the earth itself.
dent James Monroe in 1823 as part of his "See By 1938, Wright had nearly completed his designs
America First" travel program, which grew out when he suddenly quit after a bitter argument with
of the famous doctrine bearing his name. The Eleanor Roosevelt, who was honorary chairwoman of the
canyon was to be part of a proposed "Natural project. Mrs. Roosevelt wanted more pastel colors in the
Wonders" package tour. Other natural wonders rock formations, while Wright insisted on more natural
(all man-made, of course) were the Petrified earth tones. Neither would budge from their views, and
Forest, the Howe Caverns, and the Waukesha Natural Wright had no choice but to leave. Luckily, the major
Bridge. part of the job was done and Mrs. Roosevelt couldn't ask
The Grand Canyon was built entirely by Chinese the coolies to replace all the stones they had already set.
coolies. For centuries, the Chinese had created magnifi- On July 18, 1939, the Grand Canyon was officially
cent canyons in their native land, but were reluctant to dedicated by Mrs. Roosevelt and Harold Ickes, the
take any outside jobs. President Monroe lured the gifted Secretary of the Interior. President Roosevelt was un-
coolies to America with promises of wages, which were able to attend the ceremonies, but flew over the project
unheard of in China. The coolies worked for the Em- on his way to California. Though the visibility from the
peror, which was the greatest of privileges; hence, no plane was below average, he was quoted as saying, "It
money was ever offered to them. But Monroe's coolie looks pretty good from where I sit." In fact, Roosevelt
wage offer was irresistible, and hundreds of thousands was so impressed with the work of the coolies that he
of workers were imported for the canyon project. commissioned them to build a dam on the Columbia
First came the laborers, who had to do the painstaking River in the state of Washington, to be called Grand
eroding and digging. Then the various specialists took Coolie Dam (it was later Americanized to "Coulee").
over—Wah Kee, Tommy Chang, Ben Po, and many
others worked on land tilting and uplifting, before the
1
gorgers could begin the final stages. The early phases 1 he daguerreotypes shown are the only pic-
took about seventy-five years. Deep gorging began on torial records we have of the coolies working on
October 11,1920, under the supervision of Tai Yuan and the Grand Canyon. They were taken by Dr. Paul
the French engineer, Colonel Gaspard DeTressant. Mardsley, the famed naturalist, who was also an
After the deep gorging was completed, the "grand" enthusiastic hiker and amateur photographer.
part of the canyon was designed, the actual layout of the Mardsley had hundreds of pictures with him the
rock specimens. This final phase was largely the inspira- day he was accidentally buried alive while trying
tion of famed architect Frank Lloyd Wright, who at last to photograph a land tilting operation. Only two pictures
was given a job commensurate with his monumental were recovered, and though they contain obvious tech-
talent. Wright believed that the most beautiful architec- nical flaws, we can still get a good idea of the remarkable
tural designs followed the forms of nature, and this is work these coolies did.
how he wanted to design the canyon. He proposed that Today, the efforts of our Chinese brethren are largely
the canyon should look as if it were the product of mil- forgotten, but the majesty and beauty of the Grand
lions of years of nature's handiwork. With the help of Canyon is still remembered and captured vividly in the
his coolie army, he took millions of tons of rock forma- "Grand Canyon Suite" by Ferde Grofe, a tone poem he
tions, magnificently colored specimens of quartz, sand- dedicated to those millions of anonymous workers who
stone, and carbonate rock, and laid them out as if they made it all possible. •

VAUGHN BUT NOT FORGOTTEN
1942-1975
Somewhere there's a four-color heaven
With never a smudge or moire,
And Pogo plays there with Walt Kelly,
And Nemo with Windsor McKay.
Where pop art means popular artists

And folks still mean "tenting" by camp,
Ham Fisher's in charge of athletics,
Palooka's still heavyweight champ.
Chic Young and McManus are laughing

And spending their afterlife lives
Telling Maggie and Blondie it's all right with them
If Dagwood and JiggS swap their wives,
And Ignatz is married to Krazy

Whether Ripley believes it or not,
Max Fleisher and Popeye share spinach,
Walt Disney stands frozen in thought.
And a welcome committee of Hatlo,

Rube Goldberg, Outcault, Harold Gray,
And Jesus was waiting for Bode
And Cheech up in heaven that day.
If you believe in forever

Then life ain't just a four frame gag.
If there's a comic strip heaven,
You know they've got a heck of a mag.
52 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.
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One step across the threshold and you see an owl. How to Play
A ceramic owl, an owl batik, an Audubon print, a nature Each player begins with one thousand opinion points.
photo of an owl. One thousand opinion points is the absolute tops in opin-
Or a luger. A World WarTwo souvenir, a luger cigarette ion. Dante wouldn't have given Beatrice one thousand
lighter, a mounted luger, model, diagram. opinion points. But we're incurable optimists, and we want
You split, right? Because they are bad signs. Signs to give you every benefit of the doubt. Below,.you will find
that you are not going to have a pleasant visit. That you a list of household furnishings, decoration, clothes, foods,
are, in fact, fallen among boring loonies. cosmetics, and other possessions. Unless otherwise indi-
Owls and lugers are not the only bad signs, as you will cated, subtract one point for each object which you own or
see. But it is the name of the game. have in your house, and two points for each object you
would like to own or have in your house. Some objects will
You, reader, no doubt think of us a great deal. We are, cost you more than one or two points, and certain "neme-
after all, the well-known editors of a prominent national sis possessions" can reduce your score by as much as
magazine, and therefore luminaries of sorts. And since you 100. A big dog or a small child in a one-room apartment,
buy many copies of our magazine every month, we assume for instance—that's minus 100 right off the bat/ And, re-
you think well of us. As, indeed, you should. I mean, we're member, it's double points for coveting—minus 200 if
a hell of a bunch of swell guys. But what do we think of you're living in a studio-and want a kid or an Alsatian.
you? A good question, and we're glad you asked it. Plenty Of course, we call it a "game," but actually, Owls and
of magazines have little queries or questionnaires to find Lugers is a serious test of your worth as a person. Not that
out how their readers feel about them, but not nearly our opinion is so important; but the long-standing judg-
enough magazines care about how they feel about their ments and values of intelligent and civilized gentlepersons
readers. Patronizing indulgence? Simple contempt? Actual everywhere have .been carefully calculated into this quiz.
dislike? Hard to say, but here's an enjoyable game you can Thus, a low score means not that we wouldn't take you to
play to find out. lunch in a gym bag, but that you might as well die.
FIRST APPEARANCES habitation (Won Repos, Dew Drop Inn, _Pastels

_Doormat with anything inscribed upon it etc.) (-10) (—1 for each shade)
( — 2 if it's your name, — 4 if your name is Japanese paper lantern
in the plural, —8 if it's plural possessive) GENERAL LIVING QUARTERS _Any attempt to decorate the ceiling
_Mazuza .Anything that hangs from the ceiling
.Shag rug
_Doorbell that plays a tune (— 1 per square yard) and isn't a lightbulb
(— 1 per note) .Quadraphonic stereo .Round television
.Decorative knocker if the house ( — 2 if it's white plastic, ~4 if the .Mexican tin-work
was built after W.W. I speakers are mounted on little pillars) .Candles in bottles
.Aluminum screen door .Bottles in windows
.Groups of three anything
( — 2 it it bears your initial) .Posters
.Brick and board bookcase
.Three little windows .Anything else hanging on a wall that
_Rya rug
( — 2 if they're nonrectangular, —4 if isn't a framed picture (except for framed
.Beanbag chair
they're arranged on a bias) posters, which are —2)
.Any material, structural or decorative,
_A wreath, before December 24 or after .Indian print bedspread
disguised to look like any other material
January 1 (—2 if not on bed)
(—1 per occurrence, —2 lor "wood grain"
_Peep hole .Air ferns
formica, —4 for "leather look" vinyl)
.Umbrella stand .White walls .Any example of your own art or crafts
.Mirror in foyer .Refinished wood floors .Photo of self
.Display of a nickname for your home or .Both (-1 each)
continued
_Photo of celebrities
(-2 each)
_Photo of self with celebrities
(-10 each)
_BIown-up high contrast photo of anything
( — 2 lor woods in snow)
_Any reproduction of a well-known
piece of art
_Any popular print or engraving made
before 1900
_Black light
_Spotlit anything
( — 2 per light for track lighting)
_Unglazed pottery
_Brass bed
_Peacock feathers
_Any color not found in nature
.Anything made into a lamp
_Barrels
_Any other piece of furniture not being
used as what it was made for
_Tie-dyed anything
_Chrome
_Bead curtains
_Smoked glass
_Display of any humorous saying
or picture
( — 2 if in bathroom, — 4 if it's a cartoon
from the New Yorker)
_Anything carved out of sandlewood
_Anything made out of brass from India
_Anything made by American Indians
(—2 if it's a mask)
_Clear plastic stash boxes
_Stash boxes
_Stashes
_Rolling machines
_E-Z Wider Rolling papers
_Water pipes
_Roach clips
_lnflatable furniture
_Wrought iron anything
_Satin sheets
_Lawn furniture indoors
_Lawn furniture outdoors
_Marijuana plants in the closet under a
grow light
_Tropical fish
_Gerbils
_Pet birds
_More than one cat
_Unusual names
(—1 for self, —2 for cat, —4 tor dog,
— 8 for child, —10 for spouse)
_Obviously stolen items
(—2 each for street or highway signs,
ashtrays, towels, and wearing apparel)
_Remote control TV switch
_More than three large objects made over
fifty years ago
( — 2 for each one that doesn't work)
_Any National Lampoon product
_More than one mirror in a room
( — 2 each if any are near the bed)
_Anything that has anything to do with
any Disney character
( — 2 per occurrence if it's Mickey Mouse)
_Any collection of anything
( — 2 if displayed, —4 if valuable)
_Large stuffed toy
(—2 each if you're childless)
.Oversized brandy snifter
(—2 if it's filled with matchbooks)
_Ceramic figurine
_TV that measures more than 19" diagonally
_Electric eraser
.Moroccan hassock African sculpture _A bar
_Any hammock indoors Any trophy or award ( — 10, —20 if it says so)
_Director's chair Any evidence of a hobby _Bar stool
( — 2 for anything printed on back) ( — 2 for model anything, —4 for pottery, _Gas operated corkscrew
_Glass-topped coffee table — 8 for ham radio) .Electric swizzle stick
_Terrarium Color telephone . A l l sweet liqueurs
_Tiffany lamp ( — 2 for Princess, —4 for Decorator, (—5 for Amaretto)
(—2 each if they're not real, —4 If — 8 for antique) .House brands of whiskey
they're plastic) Sports equipment on display .Any blended whiskey
.Visibly displayed chessboard ( — 5 for aluminum tennis racket, —10 for .Tequila with a worm in it
( — 2 each for "novelty" chess pieces) backpacking equipment, —15 for downhill _Premixed cocktail mix
Jncense skis, —20 for mountain climbing gear, (-2 for Piria Colada)
Jncense burner — 25 for any combination) .Drinks with three or more ingredients
(—2 it it's in the shape of a Buddha) Lava lamp (water counts)
_Any plant purchased when it was larger Rattan, wicker, or bamboo anything .Pop wines
than two feet high Avocado plant ( — 2 for cute names, —4 for Sangria)
_Ten-speed bicycle Barn wood (anywhere except the barn) _Cold Duck
( — 2 it it's kept in the living room) Cork board .Any decoration on a highball or cocktail
.Anything that glows in the dark Stripped wood finish on anything glass
_Unusual clocks Bare brick walls .German beer steins
.Anything that can be wiped clean with Loft bed .Wine rack
a damp cloth Needlepoint .Wine basket
.Anything fuzzy Executive toy _Wine skin
.Butcher block (-2 each) .Anything written on your coasters
(—1 per square foot) Pipe rack .Anything written on your napkins
.Pole lamps Any visibly displayed board game .Matches with your name on them
.Anything attached with a suction cup ( — 2 for backgammon) (—2 it it's in gold)
62 NATIONAL LAMPOON
_Lord of the Rings
(—2 in hardcover)
Whole Earth Catalogue
Herman Hesse
(—2 each lor Siddhartha, Steppenwolf,
and Magister Ludi)
Rise and Fall of the Third Reich
__The Little Prince
(—2 in French, — 4 in hardcover)
Any Book-of-the-Month Club book
Any sex manual
(-2 it illustrated)
Underground comic
.Subscriptions to:
National Geographic (—1), Rolling Stone
( — 2), Popular Electronics ( — 8), New
Times (-16), Ms (-32)
Special Nemesis Possession:
A subscription to Oui Magazine ( — 75)
More than one copy of the New Yorker
Paris Match
Vogue
( — 2 lor London edition, —4 for
Paris edition)
Bound volumes of magazines
( — 2 for National Lampoon)
Any hardbound best-seller since
Nabokov's Ada
Nabokov's Ada
JThe New York Review of Books
Any book on self-realization, mysticism,
UFOs, or psychology
( — 2, yoga, —4, Wilhelm Reich, — 8, I'm
O.K., You're O.K., -16, Chariots of
the Gods)
Any City Lights poetry book
The new Encyclopedia Britannica
Segregation of books by binding or size
D. H. Lawrence
( — 2 for The Virgin and the Gypsy, —4 for
Lady's Chatterley's Lover)
Coffee table books
(—2 if on coffee table)
——Special Nemesis Possession:
Show Me (-50, -100 It you have children)
Records (deduct additional -2 for
anything on cassette, —4 for records
out of jackets)
Recording of anything but music
(-2 for Richard Burton reciting Dylan
Thomas, —4 for racing cars, —8 tor
The Sounds of Love, — 76 for
environmental sounds)
_ F o I k dance
Any album advertised on TV
(-2 if not available In stores)
Opera
Modern Jazz Quartet
Mantovani
Rod McKuen
Missa Luba
(—2 if not Catholic, -4 if not black)
Any movie soundtrack album
(—2 Black Orpheus, -4 Umbrellas of
Cherbourg. -16 Nashville)
Any Broadway cast recording
Harry Chapin
. Frank Sinatra
The Boston Pops
.Helen Reddy
Moody Blues " I n Search of the Lost
Chord"
_Any Beatles anthology
Best of Peter, Paul & Mary
Vivaldi's "Four Seasons"
_Any religious artifact .Special Nemesis Possession: (—10 it your only "classical" record)
( — 2 if it's not your religion, —5 if it's Nazi memorabilia The Dukes of Dixieland
anywhere near the bed) ( — 50 per occurrence) NatLamp's "Missing White House Tapes "
_Seashells .Special Nemesis Possession: (—2 if plastic seal is broken)
(—2 if used as ashtrays) Display of your college diploma Mel Lyman's "America"
_Colored candles (-25 lor B.A., -50 lor M.A., . .Special Nemesis Possession:
_Scented candles - 1 0 0 lor PhD.) — 100 if your entire book, periodical and
_Candles with unusual shapes .Special Nemesis Possession: record collection has been listed above.
_Tarot cards Any "Sex Aid" (-50)
_Artificial flowers .Special Nemesis Possession: YOUR CLOSET AND BUREAU DRAWERS
_Bentwood rocker Video equipment Suede
J c e cream parlor chairs ( — 1 per dollar of purchase price) Wet-look anything
_Wind chimes .Special Nemesis Possession: —_Double-knit
_Stained glass Peacock chair ( — 50) Platform shoes
_Large portable radio Earth shoes
_Piggy bank .Shower togs
(—2 for anything else used as a bank) BOOKS AND PERIODICALS .Desert boots
_Push pins .Novels by ladies with three names .Addidas sneakers
.Special Nemesis Possession: .Any textbook .Frye boots
Water bed (-50) .Dictionary on a stand .Gucci sneakers
.Special Nemesis Possession: .New York Times (outside New York City) .Any footwear with useless metal objects
Snoopy motif ( — 30 per occurrence) JTheWashington Post (outsideWashington) on it
.Special Nemesis Possession: .New York Magazine (anywhere) .Pancho
Any visibly displayed gun or sheath _TV Guide .Kaftan
knife (-50, -100 if sheath knife has ever _Country Life ( — 2 if ever worn)
been used to sniff cocaine) J Ching .Pajamas
.Cocaine JThe Mensa Bulletin .Baby doll nightie
NATIONAL LAMPOON 63
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THESE PERSONS SENT US WEIR PICTURES

FOR THE NATIONAL LAMPOON •
FOTO FUNNIES CONTEST. WONT YOU?
YES, IN JULY WE THOUGHT WE

HAD ALL THE CONTESTANTS WE
WERE GOING TO GET IN THE
COMPETITION TO BECOME OUR
NEW MISS FOTO FUNNIES. BUT WE
WERE WRONG! DUE TO AN
UNPRECEDENTED DELUGE OF NEW
ENTRIES, WE'RE REOPENING THE
CONTEST. SO SHOW US YOUR
TITS-TODAY! ;
KZQ) THE MAYO CLINIC
33 Brook Ave.
t ^ N Rochester, Minnesota 67785
&
. VALUABLE PREMIUM INSIDE!

IMPORTANT
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"I used to think propei preventive medicine was a lot

ol bunk. Then one morning I looked in mv shaving
mirror and 111 be darned it mv nose wasn't missing!
Nobody home, nose-wise. Advanc ed syphilis was the
reason why, and the \\-\NO t 1 INK 's advanced plastic
surgery was the reason why 1 bought m\ cosmetic
prosthetic fuMy-washable replacement vou-know-where'
And their prices—wow! Now it's no lib when I say I'll
LIVE FOREVER in their debt'—Mrs. D.I.. Canton. Ohio
l i o 55647 RAISED FROM THE DEAD!
Mter a horrible auto accident,I was surprised to wake
^ffMBrB up buried under what seemed like a ton of dead corpses!
When the ambulance came, you bet it was a MAYO
CLINIC doctor who noticed mv toes were still

All Creatures,Even Bees will help your memory!" rocked the hospital as the boner-
continued from page 41 I could hear Miss Wills' terri- hammer hop-skipped around the
on a brass stand. He quickly stuffed fied screams right through two pil- surgery with the little terrier
some multicolored wires leading lows and my bedroom wall. "But screwed onto his tool.
from it under the dead dog's body. it's the zoo! The zoo! You've got to "Are you listening to me?" said
"Monitors heart beat and respira- go or we'll never make the premium Wolfgang, swerving the car at a
tion." on the malpractice insurance this squirrel that was trying to find its
"How is our patient doing?" month!" way across the road.
shouted Wolfgang down the hall. "Go yourself, you old bitch!" he "Uh-huh," I said, but he didn't
"Is it all right if Mrs. Dufus sees bellowed, and I could hear Twist- hear me. He was looking backwards
him now?" ed's laughter echoing above all the at the squirrel.
"Well, as long as it's only for a confusion. "Hah! Nailed the nasty, nut-eat-
minute, and she doesn't touch him. Suddenly, there was silence. The ing son-of-a-bitch. One more acorn
That could put him away for good next thing I knew, Wolfgang was tree will grow in the wild wood.
and all." dragging me off the couch, where Hah-hah."
Mrs. Dufus came to see the dog I had been sleeping. "Come on," he We pulled into the zoo parking
twice a day for two weeks before said, "we gotta go to the zoo. Say, lot, and a few minutes later, I stood
Wolfgang gave her the bad news. what are those fag pajamas you're by Wolfgang's side in the curator's
"He slipped away from us in the wearing? Hah-hah." office while the man explained his
night. We can be thankful it was a "Fuck you," I mumbled under problem. "It's the snakes this time,
peaceful passing. . . ." Mrs. Dufus my breath, and took a sorrowful I'm afraid. They just don't seem to
sent us a lovely present. She was glance at the clock, which read just have any zest for life. People don't
very happy that we had done every- 11:00 A.M. want to watch a deadly Afrikaans
thing we could to make Fritz's last Minutes later, we were zipping Head Ripper just lie there. They
hours comfortable. across town in Wolfgang's Thunder- want to see some snapping and
Days passed into weeks at the bird. "Good business, the zoo," he thrashing on their day at the zoo.
Farmer Animal Hospital. Gradual- said, chatting merrily. I could bare- I thought that after how you perked
ly, I began to get used to the rou- ly keep my eyes open. The night up MGM, you might be able to
tine. However, there were still a before, Twisted had invited a bunch come up with something."
few surprises in store for me, as I of vets over to see his "Dogarama Wolfgang had told me a few days
learned one morning when I heard Sex Review," and we had stayed up earlier how he had put some pep
a terrible shrieking out in the hall. drinking till four in the morning, into the zoo's mangy old lion. He
Wolfgang was shouting at the top watching one of our patients, a fed the friendly old thing some
of his voice. great Danish bonerhammer, slip candy pills, and then, when the
"Go on, you filthy old rat sack, the pink steel to another of our curator wasn't looking, he shot the
I told you never to disturb me when patients, a tiny Scotch terrier. My king of beasts in the ass with a
I'm taking my nap! I'll show you head still hurt as I remembered squirt gun full of turpentine.
. . . a little taste of the fire poker the merry peals of laughter that had "Oh, look," said the curator, "he's
chasing his tail. . . ." You would be,
too, if it felt like somebody was
running a belt sander over your
butt.
"I think I can help you with the
snakes," said Wolfgang, looking
thoughtful. "Just toss a gerbil into
the cage with them and let them
chase the bouncing rat for a while."
"But snakes only eat once a
month," said the curator timidly.
"No problem. After the snake
swallows the rodent and starts to
snooze it off, you grab the sleeping
serpent by the tail and crack him
like a whip. The partially digested
spring rat will fly forty feet in the
air, and the snake will be left with
a powerful rumbling in his food
tube that will see him flying around
his cage the next day like the loose
end of a fire hose. Hah-hah."
As we walked toward the car

afterwards, Wolfgang turned to me
with a smile. "How do you like
being a vet so far?" he said. "Was
it worth all the studying?"
I hated to spoil the moment by
telling him I had picked up my
credentials from a mail order firm
for five bucks. I just smiled, and
Dr. Denton, I presume"? said nothing. •

by Norman Rubington
Someone you know, someone near and dear to you,
may be a mute. You may be a mute yourself.
But what the hay. We're all equal under the belt.
There's nothing wrong with the average dummy when
it comes to the old in-out.
Here, translated into sign language from the obscene
works of the notorious Akbar del Piombo, is a sample
of salaciousness for the speechless. What is the sound
of one hand reading?

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Four new titles
...from
BA
Other books you will enjoy from M.S.H. Publishing

MStery House MYSTERIES M.S.H. CLASSICS NONFICTION
Ravishments in the Rue Viol by Virginia Rape of a Salesperson by Marilyn Baker In Menstrual Blood by Annamarie Ferguson
Clemm. Attacked by a seven-foot-high rapist
covered with orange hair; but no one on the To Rape a Mockingbird by Olive Carsons The Tibetan Book of the Raped
Paris police force would believe her story. Rape Be Not Proud by Edna Bronson Who Raped Society? by Patricia Surrey
Rape on the Lexington Express by Olivia A m. Rape in the Afternoon by Carol Barrie I Left My Heart at Sexually Assaulted Knee
138 people in a subway car and one of them by Donna Lee West
was getting pretty free with his hands. After Many a Summer Rapes the Swan by
The Saint Goes Down by Kathleen Bishop.
Margret Doakes FICTION
England's most celebrated sleuth detects a Le Viol De Guinevere by Lady Elizabeth Night of the Living Raped byRhoda Tarrinton
big change in attitude towards sex roles in Malory
Wanted: Raped or Alive by Susan Gill
London's high society. In the Rape of the Night by Jessica Porter
Rape before Dishonor by Rebecca L. Corrigan
Dial R for Rape by Shelley Curtis The Deer-raper by Eliza Farthing
The Big Weep by Constance Parks Appointment in Gomorrah by Elizabeth
The Thin Manhood by Sally Lowell Appleton
M.S.H. V Publishing
Raped on Arrival by Deborah Letterton The Naked and the Raped by Karen Knight Available at bookstores everywhere.
The Tenth Circle
Jerry Lewis as a muscular dystrophy victim, just like the kids in his famous Telethon.
continued
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. NATTONAT. L A M P O O N 73
continued
.
"^ ^
"+f*
Jimmy Connors, the famous tennis player, with a tennis ball driven through his solar plexus.
John Denver, the famous simple country boy,
having his eyes pecked out by an American bald-headed eagle.
r*M
m_t mZBtrm'm
Ir M^^^K^^MU^^^^t^^tK^^
» • • •-« » •
_» iJlJB *d
The E5,lH3My Bugle HeraldChronickGaz^fe and PWs
A N ewsv/€ ekly of "the Serious omdi Humorous
Published Monthly by the ^ G r a d a of R 5,1 *-f 3
NEW STUDENT NEWSPAPER INTERVIEWS AN INTERVIEW OFs
PRESIDENT FORD MISS HEI£N LEMBECK
BT RICKY STELES TAPED BY RICKY STILES AND
JOEY LEVITCH
A brand new student newspaper
s t a r t e d t h i s week so we decided Q- Where were you born?
t o interview President Gerald R.
Ford, who some people c a l l J e r r y A- Blandings, Utah.
i f they know him, even though h e ' s
P r e s i d e n t . We c a l l e d the White Q- Where do you come from?
House and got a lady and asked her
i f we could t a l k t o the President A- Uh...Blandings, Utah.
and she s a i d , "I'm s o r r y , t h e P r e s -
i d e n t i s busy and c a n ' t speak with Q- What do you teach?
you now." She was a very
important White House Aide, who
knew what the President was doing. A- English.
We told her we were a brand new
student newspaper and asked i f the Q- Do you l i k e teaching?
President had anything he'd l i k e t o
say t o u s . "The President says'Good A- Yeah, uh, y e s .
Lucki» " We are probably t h e f i r s t
student newspaper ever t o interview Q- Do you l i k e the classrooms here?
t h e President of the United S t a t e s .
A- Oh, y e s .
Editor-in-Chief - Ricky S t i l e s Q- Do you l i k e your class?
Managing Editor - Matt Emery
Chief Editor - Joey Levitch A- Y e s . . . y e s .
Senior Editor - Deborah Montpelier
A s s i s t a n t Editor - Olivia Steingut Q- Do you l i k e a l l the students?
Editor - Goldie Eder
S d i t o r - Gene Kraut A- Y e s . . . y e s . . . y e s I do, yesI
Editor - Warren Spector
Associate Editor - Marc Manis Q- Do you have anything you want
Assistant Associate Editor - t o say t o everybody?
Linda Schacter
Assistant t o t h e Senior A- N o . . . n o t h i n g , p l e a s e , Jeffrey, put
Editor - Morty Tishman t h a t down.
Editor - Rhoda Manning
Editor - Kevin Ruppert
F i c t i o n Editor - Dan Jatowsky
Poetry Editor - Laura Gainer
Cartoon Editor - P e t e r Brandon Bayer
Sports Editor - Jeffrey Fenster
Humor Editor - Alvin Peabody
Arts Editor - Louis Alvarez
Editor - Brian Minahan
Sditor - Denise G a l t t e r
Editor - Jane Goldman
Faculty Advisor - Miss Karen Townsend ooo
umor • Humor * \\\M^Q
MDVIE REVIW: THE TOWERINQ HUMDR COLUMN
INFERK)
by IOUIS ALVAREZ A JOKE
I recommend fHS 1DWERING INFSRM3 b y ALVIN PEABODY

very h i g h l y . This i s a very e x c i t - a n d WARREN SPECTDR
ing movie and i t i s a l l about t h i s
f i r e in t h i s really t a l l building. Once upon a time t h r e e k i d s
Paul Newman and t h i s o t h e r guy go walked i n t o a candy s t o r e and
up and down t h i s b i g b u i l d i n g t h e f i r s t kid asked for a n i c k e l ' s
where t h e r e are a whole l o t of worth of l i c o r i c e . I t was on t h e
people on top i n t h i s b i g room top shelf so t h e man had t o climb
where t h e r e ' s a f i r e under them* a l l t h e way up on a ladder and bring
T h a t ' s the b e s t p a r t of the movie i t down. He gave the kid the l i c o r i c e
b u t t h e r e ' s other good t h i n g s t o o . and climbed back up and put i t back.
Like when « P t h i s water comes He asked the second kid what he
down t o put out the inf ermo but wanted and he said a n i c k e l ' s worth
nobody drowns. Also t h i s mean guy of l i c o r i c e . So he climbed up and
makes t h e f i r e but he f a l l s out down again. While he was down, he
t h e window and d i e s and everybody said t o the t h i r d k i d , "Do you want
c l a p s . Also t h e r e ' s t h i s nice guy a n i c k e l ' s worth of l i c o r i c e too?"
and he l i v e d . Also t h e r e ' s t h i s He said no, so he p u t i t back* Then
guy my mother says was an old he said "What do you want?" The kid
t a p dancer and he l i v e s but h i s s a i d , " I ' l l have some l i c o r i c e t o o . "
g i r l friend d i e s b u t t h e c a t The man s a i d , "Really?" Everybody laughed.
l i v e s . Also t h e r e ' s a good moral
a t the end which i s t h a t people
shouldn' t b u i l d any more burning RIDDLES
b u i l d i n g s . All i n a l l , THE TOWER- b y RH3DA MANNING
ING INFSRMD i s a v e r y e x c i t i n g
movie and I recommend i t h i g h l y . 1 . Why did t h e moron throw the clock
out the window?
2 . How many morons does i t take t o
put i n a l i g h t bulb?
LTurnea r\y\
3 . What do you c a l l a King of the
Beasts who l i k e s t o t e l l jokes?
KRAZI SHORTS
by J1FFREY FENSTER
rDrondpn
BoyQr •Well, here I am, Howard Dope-sel
| w i t h another g r e a t b a s e b a l l game,
\ The World S e r e a l , played i n t h e
Cereal Bowl, The New York Frankenberries
a r e playing t h e Detroit Gatmeallies for
a f i r s t p r i z e of Cheerios. At the end
|of the f i r s t inning, i t ' s 965 t o 6 | .
I I n t h e next i n n i n g , the Oatme a l l i e s got
;12 outs i n a row. At t h e end of the
;game i t was a t i e , and everyone threw
Lucky Charms a t the umpire.
ANSWERS TO RIDDLES
by RHODA HAMING
1. He wanted to see the clock fly.
\2. T h r e e . One t o hold the l i g h t b u l b ,
two t o screw i t i n .
3 . A Punch Lion.
SHORT STORY
CROSSWORD PI/2.2LE
b y DAN JATOW5KY
One day Jimmy got up and h i s mo-

ther, t o l d him t o got t o the s t o r e
and buy food* Then Jimmy was at
the 8tore when a man tapped him
on the shoulder from behind him*
"Hello, Jimmy," said the man.
"Would you l i k e t o v i s i t a farm?"
"Gee, Mister, t h e r e ' s nothing I ' d l i k e b e t
than to v i s i t a farm," said Jimmy,
"Well, t h e n , come with me and I ' l l
take you t o my farm on my t r u c k , "
said the man* So Jimmy and the
man got on the truck and went t o
t h e farm. When they got t h e r e ,
Jimmy said "Gee t h i s i s a nice
farm, Mr, Brown." "Here, look a t
a l l my animals, Jimmy," said Farmer
Brown, " t h e r e ' s a b u l l over t h e r e , "
he s a i d , p o i n t i n g a t a b u l l . "We
get milk from t h e b u l l , " said Farmer
Brown, tGosh, Mr. Brown, I d i d n ' t
know t h a t , " said Jimmy. "And do
you know what we get from cows,
Jimmy?" "What, Farmer Brown?"
Then a f t e r t h a t , Farmer Brown took
Jimmy home. When Jimmy went i n ,
h i s mother s a i d , "Well, where have
you been a l l t h i s time?" "You'll
never b e l i e v e i t i " said Jimmy.
3HEEND
A FRIEND...A POEM
by LAURA GAINER
A friend i s somebody who l i k e s you.
A friend i s someone who d o e s n ' t

beat you up when you h i t him.
A friend is someone who lends you
his candy. DOWN: 1 . What a cowboy r i d e s .
2. Spiderman i s a super
A friend is someone who gives you» 3. What you shoot w i t h .
U. Opposite of boy.
A friend i s a warm guppy.
ACROSS; 1 . Abbreviation of r a i l r o a d .
2. What we sing i n music
OFINION: School Lunches class.
Brian Minahan* I wish P . S . Iii3 3 . What you say when y o u ' r e
had chicken: That i s one of ray disgusted.
f a v o r i t e lunches. The other one i s U. What y o u ' r e shot w i t h .
chicken noodle soup.

PogeH
OBITUARY COLUMNS
by MORTY TI3HMAN
ESPOSITD, BELINDA, MRS.-

Mrs. Belinda Esposito, the wife
of our friendly janitor, Carlos,
died on May 2 of falling from a
ladder. She was very well loved
although we only saw her once.
Some of us went down to the chapel
to see her, but Linda said "P.U."
so they threw us out.
MELLVTLLE"-
Mellville, the Third Grade class
fish died over the weekend of May
U-7, of not being fed by Carlos.
The fish was found by Olivia,
floating on its back, which Miss
Townsend says fish do when they die.
Melville was very well loved,
especially by Miss Lembeck who
named him after a guy who wrote
fish stories. Miss Lembeck buried
Melville in the toilet.
KUMOR HUMOR HUMOR HUMOR HUMDR

A PROFILE OF RICKI STILES
by DEBORAH MONTPEUSt
Ricky S t i l e s i s the President of t h e

c l a s s because h e ' s t h e most popular
kid i n t h e c l a s s and everybody voted
for him. He l i v e s in a b i g apartment
near Broadway with h i s p a r e n t s .
Xn Nothing much e x c i t i n g has happened

with him l a t e l y except t h a t h i s mother
Si* had her cards s t o l e n . I have t r o u b l e
s p e l l i n g h i s l a s t name and so does
my baby s i t t e r .
FtaVors ,
^Toothpaste
^hlylTiree
more -weeks tl 11
^Broccoli

You'll laugh your
foot off*
PYE 12116
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#
Copyright © 2007 National
RECORDSLampoon Inc.
Specialist
by Jeff Greenfield
he doctor will see you now. governor felt a tinge of reassurance. have been performing my . . . spe-
"You're absolutely sure no one "Sit down, please, Governor." cialty for almost ten years now,
else is in there. I mean—" The chair was contemporary yet since the early seventies. In my
The efficiently attractive recep- deeply comfortable. The office itself time, I have treated people whose
tionist smiled reassuringly as she was redolent with quiet elegance, . . . position is even higher than
motioned him inside. befitting a doctor at the top of his yours. In that time, have you ever
"I'm sure, sir. In fact, I'm leaving profession. The governor now re- heard a. whisper of a rumor about
now as well. You'll be utterly called the cloakroom rumors: the my - . . practice or my clients? Now,
alone." She slipped on her coat as income of more than $1.8 million a please. I cannot offer an accurate
she motioned him inside. He's even year, the East Side townhouse, the . . . diagnosis without knowing ex-
handsomer than he is on television, villas around the world, the luxuri- actly what your condition involves."
she thought to herself. ous vacations with transportation Beneath the smile the well-modu-
As he walked into the doctor's provided by the most secret agen- lated tones echoed steel.
office, hands thrust into his pockets, cies of the federal establishment. . . All right, the governor said to
a walk familiar to millions, his "Governor?" himself. Across the Rubicon.
mind was again wracked with " I beg your pardon, I was . . . "This morning, the U.S. Attorney
doubts. What the hell am I doing woolgathering." called. Seems they've been investi-
here? . . . Then he remembered the The doctor smiled. gating the collapse of the Logan
call from the U.S. Attorney's Of- "I asked you what seems to be Street Bridge."
fice, the mumbled, half-apologetic, the trouble." "I saw the films, of course," the
half-insistent inquiries on the other The governor paused. How to doctor interjected. "Terrible loss,
end of the line, and he knew. begin? terrible."
"Please come in, Governor." The "I—I'm not sure. My chest . . . "Yes, of course," the governor
voice was liquid, rich, reassuring. my back . . . my . . . " said, looking intently at the far
As he looked up, he confronted a The doctor leaned back in his wall. "I personally wrote the tribute
silver-haired, tanned face behind the hand-crafted Eames chair and to the dead and maimed that was
teak, chrome, and glass desk. The smiled broadly. His tapered fingers inserted in the Congressional Rec-
face was strong, craggy, as ruggedly formed a steeple. ord. Anyway, it appears that the
confident as an airline pilot's. The "Governor," the doctor said, "I contractors did not meet the specifi-
continued from page 63
_Bikini briefs .Undersea motif .Hamburger Helper
__Undershirts .Clear plastic shower curtain .Representational dish cloths
_Clip-on bow tie _Hot comb .Glass caddies
_Safari jacket . H a i r spray .Aprons with anything printed on them
.Body shirt .Visibly displayed douche bag .Electric stove
.See-through anything .Twin track razor _Color coordinated appliances (—1 each)
.Hand painted tie .Razor strop .Shish kabob swords
.Tie tack .Any trick shaving equipment .Hibachi
^Nehru or Mao jacket .Magnifying mirror _Pam
( — 2 if stored in mothballs) .Blackhead extractor To find out what your score says about the
^Pocket hankie _Nair real you, turn to page 102.
(-2 if color-coordinated to anything) .Vitamin C
..Anything color-coordinated .Pearl Drops
.Anything nautical _Binaca BONUS QUIZ
( — 5 for headgear) .Toothpaste dispenser It's absolutely possible that we might loathe
.White cotton socks .Paper cups you, but still behave civilly for the sake of your
.Leisure suit .Plastic cup family. Mom and Dad start out with 100. Let's see
.Girdle .Electric toothbrush how low they go:
( — 2 if you're male) _Water pic Cafe curtains
.Panty hose _K-Y jelly Drapes
.Anything with epaulets on shoulders .Feminine deodorant spray
.Anything with a tropical motif Nonfunctioning shutters
.Norforms Aluminum siding
( — 5 if Hawaiian) .Soap on a rope Lawn ornaments
.Anything from the thirties .Food C - 2 per bird lor family of ducks)
.Anything from the forties .Drying clothes Edged lawn
.Anything from the fifties ( — 2 for nylons) Shaped shrubbery
( — 10 if anything from thirties, forties, .Bath toys Bird feeder
or fifties is not authentic) (—2 it you're childless) Tree with trunk painted white
..Tweed cap .Sunlamp
(—2 if there's a buckle in the back) Above-ground swimming pool
.False eyelashes
.White suit Power lawnmower if lawn is one quarter
.Grecian Formula VII
^Blazer acre or less
.Herbal Essence shampoo
(-2 for brass buttons, -4 for crest) Rider mower if lawn is one acre or less
.Flavored cosmetics
.Regimental stripe tie Artificial brick or stone
.Decorative tissue dispenser
^Decorative window shades
( — 10 if it's not your regiment) . N o ashtray
Air freshener
.More than one pair of sunglasses .Hotel soap
(-2 each, -4 if mirrored or made .Pyrite A-200 Knick-knack shelf
Any knick-knack
in Italy)
THE KITCHEN Unused parlor or living room
.Anything made in Italy
Electric hedge trimmers
_T-shirts with anything printed on them .Neat and tidy TV tables
.Gloves .Apothecary jars Anything you pick up and it plays music
( — 2 if unlined, —4 for "golf," .Colored enamel cookware More than one Bible
-8 tor "driving") .Plastic garlic Scrapbook or family album within
.Headband .Copper bottom pots easy reach
.Hats (—2 if hanging, —4 if polished) Anything you made as a child
.Cufflinks more than half an inch .Trash compactor ( — 2 if it's the knick-knack shelf)
in diameter .Microwave oven Lavender sachet
( — 2 if they're plated with a precious .Electric carving knife
metal) Candy dishes
.Electric can opener Anything if it cannot be immediately
_Turquoise jewelry _Jello mould
_Shorts if you weigh more than 115 pounds ascertained whether or ndt it's an
.Teflon anything ashtray
.Knee socks .Spice rack
.Bell-bottomed anything Rooms with less than two ashtrays
( — 2 if hand-painted) Gas or electric fireplace
_B!ue denims that aren't blue or denim .Side by side refrigerator-freezer
.Patches (—2 if it's ever actually used)
_A blackboard Blue water in the toilet
(—1 each, —2 if decorative) .Magnets
.Studs Plastic flowers in the bathroom
(—2 it decorated, —4 if on the Lampshade covers
( — 1 each) refrigerator) Bedspreads
.Special Nemesis Possession: .Prepared mayonnaise Bolsters
Any garment that sparkles (—50) .Foreign beer Velvet plush upholstery
.Military motif .Frozen donuts
( — 2 per occurrence if you aren't in Soap in little balls
.Decaffeinated coffee Guest towels
the army) .Vacuum-packed meat products Throw rugs
.Cigarette case .Special Nemesis Possession: Dog over ten
.Fur from an endangered species Electric pepper mill ( — 50 ) Very fat cat
— 1 per square inch ( — 2 per square inch _A wok Giant goldfish
if it's from an unendangered species, .Diet references on refrigerator Movie or confession magazines
— 4 if it's fake) _A calorie counter
.Plaid Men's magazines
.The / Hafe to Cook Cookbook Books behind glass
.Feathers .Skim milk
.Crotchless panties Encyclopedias purchased in supermarkets
.Garlic salt Reader's Digest condensed book
.Wigs .Realemon plastic lemon juice lemons
(—2 if a different color than your own Reader's Digest
.Tinned citrus juices African violets
hair) .Electric pizza warmer
.Your initials on anything Any religious literature
.Lo-cal anything Service club magazines
_An umbrella in any color but black .Margarine
_Any piece of outerwear with metal on it A " r e c " room
.Pressure cooker
.Jodhpurs Plastic slipcovers
.Garbage disposal
.Jump suit Slipcovers
.Breakfast cereal
.Safari jacket Runners over the rug
( — 1 if traditional, —2 if sugared, (— 1 per running foot tor carpet, —2 for
_Harem pants — 4 if organic)
.-Earrings that dangle more than three rubber, —3 tor plastic)
.Health foods Baby pictures
eighths of an inch below the ear .Any pills
.Pocket watch Frames that stand on tables
.Sea salt Photos of people in military uniforms
.Any diamond on a man .Demarera sugar
.Rings on a man if they're alive
.Nondairy creamer Home entertainment center
( — 4 if they're in your ears) .House brands of soda pop
.More than two rings on a woman Crucifix
.Prunes Barcalounger
.Any medallions .Chopsticks
.African trade beads Out of tune piano
.Big wooden spoons (-2 it it's white)
.TV dinners Knotty pine
THE BATH .Fondue set Textured wallpaper
.Toilet seat cover .Square plates
Walls painted antique or oyster white
( — 2 it it matches the bath mat, -4 if .Divided plates
Objectionable styles of decor
they both match the shower curtain, .Broiler foil
( — 1 for "Contemporary," —2 for "Danish
— 8 it they all match the towels) _Three-tined dinner forks Modern," —4 tor "Mediterranean," —8
.Soft toilet seat .Horn-handled steak knives tor "French Provincial," -16 tor
.Colored or patterned toilet paper _Plastic ice cube trays "Antique Spanish," —32 for "Colonial")
.No reading matter _Veg-o-matic
Newspaper tidies
.Things to prevent slipping on the bottom .Pepper mill more than 5 inches high
Plastic tablecloth
of the bathtub .Premixed salad dressing
.Anything framed .Fish sticks To find out how your folks rate, multiply their
_Any decals .Potato buds score by ten and turn to page 102.
Sound gatherer., .music giver.
Music is the color in your life. Make sure you get all the color.
Record on The Music Tape™by CapitoUt's the premium blank tape
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Birdbath and the two men strolled arm in swung, gentle and dreamy-eyed, in
continued from page 8 arm to Hodas' Fabulous Pussies their family hammock, all fourteen
peeperie on Forty-deuce Street, members naked as spaghetti. "And
Raquel produced in less than ten where Hodas donned the judge's the CIA—they're a bunch of honeys.
hours. Inducements to be appen- gown and Metzner walked starkers They wouldn't hurt a fly. Or a
daged took the form of bribes, into the casting office, where he behemoth. We saw one floating
Mausers, and curious solicitations. spent the next four months without around the Oval Room. And the
Then, suddenly, the breasts stopped emerging. Hodas whipped through walls had this swirly wallpaper that
as inexplicably as they had started the judge's backlog, all parties sat- kept moving all the time. And the
. . . drought, dearth, Mojave. Cries isfied, and Metzner (eighty-two), President took off his clothes and
of rage and despair went up among peeping out the peephole at re- showed us his tatoos that had col-
the throng about the hospital. The porters, laughed deliriously. "He's ored lights that kept going on and
doctors sewed up her chine, and right, he's right. It is hard!" he off. Oh, we'd forgive him anything.
she rose, demurely unaware that cried and rushed back to work, the He sat in our laps. He served us
thousands of women wore, like rest of his sentence suspended!!!!! mu tea and these wonderful brown-
Deborah Kerr's nose, her duplicate WW Superspectacular cabin from ies he made himself. And, do you
protuberances. That the breast L.A.!!! Lauren Bacall's dog Flavor know, he sends us packages of
which grew was a right breast only is not responding to treatment for them to us every day. Is it day?
did not deter any of the double heartworms. The pebble-voiced star What day is it? Day?"
recipients. For, as one of them said, is desolee, friends report, but when WW Latest Greek revival from
"If they come from Raquel, baby, this correspondent called, all she Television City!!! Guess whose
two rights can't make a wrong!" had to say was her usual, "Humph!" wattle is developing turkey bumps?
W " Sizzling housing project from Flavor is recouping at the Cedars Mary Tyler Moore says it just is
Westport, Conn.!!! Paul Newman of Lebanon and pissing all over not so. But Macy's is dickering to
drinks beer!!! them with such abandon that ru- float her in the Thanksgiving Day
WW "See how it feels to be in my mors of his demise fall on the ear Parade. A new career for you,
shoes. It's hard! Asking girls to with a certain extravagance. Still, Mary!!!
raise their skirts all day and pull we wish you the best, Flavor. Re- WW Can you answer this question?
down their panties. Trying to member, we love ya!!! What hideous physical defect did
choose from among so many," said I * - "The President is such a sweet, Dolly Madison share with Lucky
New York Porno King Martin J. polka-dotted faced individual," said Luciano—and what company did
Hodas, whose peep show empire the Olson family, after forgiving they form together to quell it? Your
has brought him to trial. So Charles him for the murder of Dr. Frank correct answer next month in this
M. Metzner, the Federal Judge Olson by secret CIA LSD treat- same column!!!
trying his case, did just that. Metz- ments in November 1953. The Ol-
ner stepped down from the bench, son family spoke in unison as they R. Bruce Moody
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. MATTONTAT. T.AMPOON ftS
continued from page So
cations of the federal contract. They handed the attache' case across the tor's face silenced the governor.
. . . they substituted certain more desk. "If you want to count it "I am a specialist," the doctor
economical materials in place of now—" said quietly but firmly. "You have
those called for in the contract. In "I'm sure it's all there," the doc- come to me seeking the proper
the interest of thrift." tor offered reassuringly. "You will form of attention for your particular
"While billing the government for please send an assistant round to- malady. I have been in this pro-
the full amount," the doctor ob- morrow to retrieve your case." The fession since Gerald Ford and Nel-
served. governor nodded. "You've left some son Rockefeller came to me a de-
"Yes," said the governor. "Nat- papers in here in addition to the cade ago. In that time, my work
urally, these venal men will do any- . . . fee?" Another nod. has been at the service of the most
thing to avoid paying for their "Good," said the doctor. He rose important people of the world."
crimes, and they're making wild, from his desk and began to pace He continued now, warming to
totally unfounded allegations about back and forth, with professional his words.
. . . payoffs and wire-pulling and—" solemnity. "When Bentsen's election was in
"And unfortunately there are . . . "Governor, you have three chil- trouble, did he come whimpering
documents," said the doctor. dren, I presume?" when I told him of his wife's breast
"Stop me if I'm boring you," the "Why, yes. I have a boy,thirteen, cancer? And subsequently? Do you
governor said. a girl, twelve, and then there's realize that woman had a colostomy,
"I'm sorry, but these conditions Bonnie, who's three." His eyes lit three open-heart operations, and has
always have similar symptoms." up at the mention of the dimpled, had all of her limbs removed? Do
The governor slapped his palms cheerful redhead who had brought you know what they call her now
to his forehead, his air of formal new strength to his troubled mar- in society? 'The Paperweight.' But
calm gone. riage. Bentsen understood what was
"Photographs . . . tapes . . . wit- The doctor's brow furrowed. needed.
nesses . . . the whole shebang," he "Governor, I'm afraid I have "Did you hear Teddy whimper
murmured. "I'm supposed to go be- some bad news for you. Bonnie is when the Chappaquidick stories
fore a grand jury next Tuesday. very, very ill." surfaced again, and his son had to
That means four, five counts, fed- The governor sat bolt upright. lose a leg? Have you looked at the
eral felony counts, nine months be- "Oh, no. Oh, no." Congress lately? Do you know that
fore the first Presidential primary. "Yes, Governor." The doctor went there are 275 monopedes in the
And a trial right through the first to a file cabinet marked Diagnoses House of Representatives? Did you
of the year. Never mind my . . . —Terminal and pulled out a file of ever wonder what those twenty-
hopes for the future. I might as well X-rays and medical charts. seven senators thought of when
resign my seat or flee to Brazil." their children were lost at sea on a
The governor looked at the doc- "It seems, Governor, that little cruise?
tor with eyes of naked pain. Bonnie has contracted a rare dis- "You must understand, Gover-
"What have I got?" ease—a cancerous condition of the nor, that the burdens of leadership
The doctor sat completely still. liver which is totally and irreversi- are heavy. The . . . temptations of
"Please, doc," the governor said, bly terminal." public life are not so easily buried
sweat now beading on his patrician "You can't be serious—it's mon- these days. The press—TV—this
forehead. "'This is my life we're strous—surely there's some other practice of mine is the last barrier
talking about. What have I got?" . . . diagnosis, somebody else, per- between our natural leaders and
"The fee . . . ? " haps a lingering, curable malady, I mob anarchy."
"Oh, yes, yes, of course," the gov- mean . . . hepatitis . . ." The governor squared his shoul-
ernor babbled with relief as he The stern expression on the doc- ders.
"Yes, yes, I see, doctor. What—
what do I do?"
"Bring Bonnie in next week for
a check-up. We'll prepare the nec-
essary medical documents and, of
course, the injections with the—
culture. Then we just let nature
take its course."
"And the timing—"
The doctor smiled.
" I think I can assure you of a
somber funeral a week before the
New Hampshire primary."
"Will Bonnie—suffer much?"
"No more than is necessary,"
said the doctor, rising to his feet.
"Now if you'll excuse me, I have
another patient to see. If you'd
mind leaving by the back en-
trance . . . "
"Of course, doctor, of course."
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Venezuela and Puerto Rico, the N 3725 N. 126th St., Brookfield, Wisconsin I
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didn't mind. A lot of them were Hathaway L i m i t e d , Dept. N
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fags anyway, so. Rocky was actually
doing them a big favor. H e was giv-
ing them enough money to support The mouth your mom
their whole families. But there was
a small group of spies who were can't wash out
very mad a t Rocky for what he
was doing. They weren't fags. They
with soap...
Transcend the m e d i o c r i t y of m o d e r n
were so fucking mad that they frippery with Roach's j i m - d a n d y designs
wanted to kill him. Sure, there's a printed in r i p - h u m m i n g colors on d a r n
g o o d c o t t o n shirts. W a s h a b l e , f a d e p r o o f ,
very good security team guarding a n d highly desired by bigwigs
Rocky, he said. But the one area a n d tinhorns a l i k e .
where he's vulnerable is with his
fag boyfriends. This is the one in-
dulgence we have to live with. If he
doesn't get his fags every day, he
goes crazy, like an alcoholic without Glitters'"
the sparkling
his liquor. So we have to give him m e t a l f l a k e look
his spic boyfriends, but we have to "tte
maintain the tightest security pos-
sible. And that's where you come
in, he said. You will be in charge
4053 Silver
of screening all of Rocky's boys, to
make sure they are harmless, not
fanatical killers. I t seems that they
got wind of this new revolutionary
organization in Puerto Rico that
swore to kill Rocky a t any cost.
Just a few weeks ago, he said, they
very nearly got him. H e was cam-
paigning down on Mulberry Street,
in the Italian neighborhood, and
somebody stuck a knish in his hand
and of course, he took a bite out of
it, and it turned out to be poisoned.
You don't eat knishes on Mulberry
Street, but he'll eat anything that's
put in his hand, Snotnose said. H e
still doesn't know the difference
between a knish and a calzone. But •
•
Roach Catalog
While T-Shir! S3 50
they managed to pump the poison j Sweatshirt short
sleeve S M . L S595
out of his stomach.
sleeve S M I S6 95
Anyway, the security team would COLOR T/AOULT $i 25
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the team, as an extra precaution. n tron-On Tiansters
COLOR T/YOUTH S4 25
Osigri Ho
ny _
So every day I would report to S150ea 3 for S3 00
ueS'U" •- « --
Intercontinental and look over a Specify Design Nos Des'gn Ho
bunch of new spies, usually P R s or n Oesigns on ooin sides of shirt — Si 00 e

Enclose cash check or money order (Over S20 money ordet only] On-o feS'Cr>!s add •*% sates
Venezuelans from Rocky's ranch. •iv rsnsriian residents adc 10% Ma«e cnec* payaoie to ROACH Add 35c per sturt for postage
He even raises them on the fucking • KROACH P.O. Box

O A C H K.U. Box isz
182 NPL10-75Worthington, OH 43085
N m t w a wonningion. UH wua
New Times.
The mouse that roars
be torn down for lack of city plumbing.
Our bright, brash, talented writers and
columnists—like Robert Sam Anson. Jesse
Kornbluth, Marcia Seligson, Larry King,
Amanda Spake, Jim Kunen, Mark Good-
man, Frank Rich, Janet Maslin and Nina
Totenberg—have one thing in common.
They're unafraid. They'll plunge into any-
to look inside other people's bodies? In thing, take chances and stands, crawl way
"The Divine Recline of Miss M" we sought out on limbs. Sure, NEW TIMES may fall on
an answer to that heavy question—Has its face sometimes. But never on its knees!
Bette Midler shot her bolt? In "The Prisons
of Our Freedom," we visited a nightmare We're plugged into now.
called Camp Pendleton where a lot of Whether you like it or not, you're living in
South Vietnamese were starting to ask, a time of shattering transitions. Nobody
"When can we go home?" knows where the world is heading and if
Superman we are not. "Women Who Murder" showed how male they claim to, they lie!
But that doesn't mean NEW TIMES isn't sexist attitudes can work to the benefit of NEW TIMES—more than any other maga-
busting evil in the chops, fighting for the women—especially if they shoot or stab zine on the American scene, we think—is
little guy, stripping the pants off phonies somebody. "Not with a Bang but with a plugged into this difficult, exhilarating age.
and generally shaking hell out of the Pssst" asked what's being done about Do we understand what's going on? Do we
establishment. those killer aerosol cans. Answer? Abso- know The Answers? Hell, we consider our-
Like a mighty mouse, we are small but lutely nothing. "Selling the Black Vote" selves lucky when we know The Questions.
powerful feisty. Out of all proportion to size, made a lot of blacks and whites mad with But we don't lie. We don't pretend impos-
we make waves. Strike fear in evil hearts. its unblinking look at some new ethnic sible knowledge. Our minds and eyes are
Give the tremble to fat cats. Shake the hustlers. "Victims of a Desperate Age" open and our promise to you is firm: we'll
rafters. The Mouse that Roars, that's us. examined evidence that the Rosenbergs pin as much of the truth to the page as we
could have been framed. "Prisoners of Psy- know how.
chotherapy" was the last word on escaping Does NEW TIMES sound like your kind of
from your analyst. magazine? If you've read this far, you're
probably NEW TIMES' kind of person.
Is NEW TIMES mad all the time? You can have 17 issues of the magazine
Golly, no. Don't get the idea we do noth-
ing but dredge up embarrassing facts and
tweak important noses. NEW TIMES is the
magazine of what's happening and that's a
spectrum that includes love and music and
lifestyles and movies and all manner of rare
Some recent roars.

Every two weeks, NEW TIMES comes
along with a stick or two of dynamite in its
fist.
There was our story on "The Ten Dumb-
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be killers gravitated to killers who wished to price. The attached order card will do the
most fascinating of the new life experi-
be gentlemen. There was our "Rendezvous trick. Or write to NEW TIMES, P.O. Box
ences. We got inside the world of bisex-
with Abbie Hoffman"—a trip on the under- 2948, Boulder, Colorado 80302.
uality. We published our own medical
ground railroad that really caused an Join us. Start to roar a little.
research on pot—"Attention: Smoking
uproar. Grass May Be Good for Your Health." For immediate service 24 hours a day
In "The Greatest Cover-Up of A l l " we And of course we continue to report on
looked at the new evidence in the JFK the eternal battle of The Little Guys vs. The CALL TOLL FREE 800-327-8912
assassination and concluded it was a con- Big Guys. Like the story on Sam Lovejoy,
spiracy. In "Under Control," we got inside
Silva Mind Control. Is it just the latest psy-
cho-chic or can it really give you the power
who toppled the big bad nuclear tower. And
the young hillbillies of Mendocino County
Copyright
who © 2007ifNational
were damned they'd letLampoon Inc.
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You've heard about High Times magazine. But
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Canadian Corner
1) Immediately stop all arms
sales to Israel, which will result in
a stress reaction in the NatLampCo
boardroom culminating in the cessa-
tion of your paycheck.
2) Place an immediate ban on
the export of Scotch whiskies and
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Under the Seal of My Thumb
Elizabeth Regina II
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and prepare for immediate action
on the northern front. Assembly
point A is the Anvil Tavern in
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there at 0800 drinks. _ _,
T. Mann
FEATURING-.^^
THE S C U M B O
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My Meter Is Running comes out of Rocky's bedroom. He H o w t h e e d i t o r s of t h e National
continued from page 89 Lampoon feel a b o u t you.
looks pretty grim. No, he said,
Rocky isn't dead yet. He's still If your score was more than 750:
ranch, like tomatoes—nice looking hanging on by a slim thread. Luck- You're a quiet dresser with inherited
boys, mostly ranging from eight to ily, he's got a very strong constitu- wealth and no political or religious
about thirteen or fourteen. I had to tion. But he's going into a coma beliefs. You wear no facial hair.
give them a good once-over and and it looks like he'll be dead by There's always plenty of whiskey
my seal of approval. If I thought morning. It seems that he was poi- and ice at your house. You can hold
there was a rotten apple in the soned. He didn't have anything to your liquor, too, even when you have
deck, I would tap the kid on the left eat or drink, but he did swallow to drive—which you do fast and
shoulder. That was the part I didn't something, the doctor said. There well. You like everything Evelyn
like. I smelled out riine straights in was only one possibility. Somehow Waugh^ver wrote except St. Helena.
the first two weeks, and I'll never the killer got the poison into his Your children are pleasant but some-
forget the looks in their eyes when balls through some kind of injec- what shy. When, it's your turn to
the security guys took them away. tion and when Rocky did his stuff host poker night, you always have
Maybe they were really harmless, on the killer, bingo, that was it— fresh decks of bicycle cards with the
but I couldn't take no chances. I down the hatch and into the blood- seals unbroken. You play the piano
couldn't afford to split hairs and stream. but we never knew it until we'd
my word was final. Well, there goes my .200 Gs a known you for more than two years^
So everything was going along year, down the toilet, I thought. You have a slight limp, a small
hunky-dory for a while and then Who the fuck did I slip up on? One tattoo,or an interesting scar which is
the shit hit the fan. I get a call in of those son-of-a-bitch spies was a never spoken of. You're fluent in
the middle of the night from Snot- fake fag. I was mad as hell and I French but only speak it when
nose. "Get your ass over to 655 Started slapping the little cocksuck- you're in France. You never raise
East Sixty-third Street," he said. ers around. They were all scared your voice, have public arguments,
"Go to the twelfth floor. When the and yakketing away like chickens or discuss money or your sexual
elevator opens, press the twelve but- in that funny Puerto Rican style partners. And you have a large,
ton six times. The door will close Spanish that nobody can under- quiet, shabby house in the country
and the car will take you to the stand. I was in a mood to kill the to which we are frequently invited.
unmarked floor between twelve and whole fucking bunch of them. Then If your score was between 501 and
fourteen. Get off and walk down a I noticed one of them was dozing 750: You're a racially prejudiced
hallway to a door marked 13-F. off—he couldn't keep his eyes open. liberal democrat who wears Ber-
Ring the bell four times—two longs He's one of the darker type PRs— muda shorts and skis. You also play
and two shorts." what I call a shvugarican—that's golf and tennis and "appreciate" art.
I do exactly like he said and I half shvugie, or Negro, and half You know your wines, own a dog,
end up in this fucking gigantic Puerto Rican. He's got a smile on and either teach or want to. You
apartment with all these stupid his face like he's happy and con- have a Japanese motorcycle, wear
looking paintings and statues. I tent. He's not scared, like the rest contact lenses and "aren't into drugs
guess Rocky was having one of his of them. I shake the shit out of him anymore." Your children are pre-
big fag parties because I saw about to get him awake. You're the son- cocious and go to progressive schools.
a dozen little spickies and a bunch of-a-bitch that did it, aren't you? If your score was between 251 and
of his pals there. You know, Kis- I said. He nods at me and says 500: You're a vegetarian and ari
singer, Ronan, even scumbag Lind- yes. Only I shouldn't feel bad, he avid antismoker who's either bisex-
say was there. I always knew that says, because he is a fag. He de- ual or would like.to give it a try. You
cocksucker was a fairy. Kissinger liberately trained himself to be a eat marijuana, which you call "boo."
was still running around naked fag so he could infiltrate Rocke- You've been or are thinking of going
with his little button of a cock, feller's parties and assassinate him. to Afganistan, Morocco, or Ibiza.
trying to jump on one of the kids. He sacrificed his masculinity for You sell something for a living. You
He was drunker than a nigger cow- the revolution that would someday wear tinted or soft contact lenses or
boy on a Saturday night. overthrow the imperialist Rocke- imitation aviator glasses. You own
But everybody else looked very feller. Yes, he was a homo, he said. several cats named after famous
worried, very tense. "What the fuck But more important, he was a pa- composers or characters in Herman
happened?" I asked. "That's what triot. He said they had a method Hesse novels and you used to own a
we'd like to know," Snotnose said. of injecting poison into his balls, motor scooter. You wear a kaftan
Jesus, was he in a bad mood! "Be- so it would mix with his semen, around the house, think the blacks
cause of your bungling, somebody making it a deadly weapon of as- might be the political vanguard, and
got to Rockefeller," he said. "That's sassination. He said the poison was are still upset over the Vietnam war,
fucking impossible," I said. "Every made by their Botanica ladies— and your child goes to a free school.
kid in this room was O.K.'d by me. they're like witch doctors. I should If your score was 250 or less: You're
They're all fags. My mother should have realized they would have a a militant feminist and aren't even a
drop dead if they're not all scream- fag killer. But still, it was no skin woman. You shout. When someone
ing homos." But Snotnose gave me off my ass. I didn't fuck up my job. asks, "How are you?" you tell them.
a look that cut me dead. "You I knew the guy was a homo. And You're a homosexual macrobiotic
slipped up on somebody in this then he falls asleep, and bingo— whose parents were Jewish but
room, Bernie. And now the boss is he's dead. The doctors looked at brought you up Catholic. You own a
on the brink of death. First the him and said there was probably van. You're over thirty and wear
Kennedys, then Martin Luther enough poison in his balls to kill braces on your teeth. You guess peo-
King, now it looks like the biggest an elephant. He died with a fucking ple's astrological signs and wear san-
and best of them all is going. All smile on his face. dals with white socks. You have
because of your fuckup." Swell . . . at least he got me off allergies and a fat ass. You are "in-
Just then one of the doctors the hook as far as the blame went, to media." Your breath smells. •
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My Meter Is Running
Save by mail
but it still didn't solve the problem on Music Systems,
of what to do with Rocky. His
staff was on the phone all night, Amps, and Mies!
making arrangements for the big-
gest fucking doctors in the world
to fly in. They came from the Mayo
SH0CKIN6!
Most people go into a state of shock when
Our big catalog shows h o w !
,of our
with
Clinic, Johns Hopkins, Vienna, they first open a copy of Horseshit. Then
com-
Heidelburg, Zurich. Guess what? they go about halfway through, reading
mpjifiers and micro-
and looking at the pictures, and they have
Nobody knew a fucking thing about to put it down and try to get their breath 5 of uniqucjterns-
what to do. All they knew was that back again. When they've rested up, they rndy,','Hifi Primer,"
he swallowed some kind of spooky go through the rest of the magazine. Then help you have better
they put it down and they d o n ' t know o big warehouses to
continued on page 109 what to think. The next day they read it
ep freight low; and,
9 again and decide they like it. The day after
#.-fre*£\F*fco
-filler cartpon •&$£
#fc that they decide it's G R E A T ! They show
it to their friends. Then they have t o sit
there and listen while their friends yell and
ian Bank Charges
\es' bounces rat &\°w\-

shout with laughter and point out things
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September
Fairleigh Dickinson U., Rutherford, N.J., 8 P.M. 18 27
West Chester Coll., West Chester, Pa., 8 P.M. 19 28 State U./Potsdam, Potsdam, N.Y, 8 P.M.
RiderColl., Trenton, N.J.,8 P.M. 20 29 Buffalo State U., Buffalo, N.Y, 8 P.M.
St. John's U., Queens, N.Y., 8 P.M. 21 30 State U./Geneseo, Geneseo, N.Y, 8 P.M.
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U. of Massachusetts, Mass., 8 P.M. 23 (8 P.M.) U. of Rochester, Rochester, N.Y.
24
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My Meter Is Running on, begging me to get a hard-on.
The doctors were ready to cut
poison that a Puerto Rican witch
doctor cooked up, and they didn't
know how to treat it.
Rocky open as soon as I signaled
I was about to come. I was getting
scared. I wasn't holding back on
EAROTIC
It looked like Rocky was going
to croak when one of the little
spicolas tugged on my arm and told
purpose . . . although I was used
to holding back m y come for hours
when I had a hard-on. I was just
NEW
me how he could be saved. Accord-
ing to the witch doctors, the only
way to neutralize the poison was
helpless.
And then the miracle happened.
Rocky opened his eyes for a split
CATALOG
That's right. . . ourtantalizing new
with a different kind of semen, second and saw me standing there hi-fi catalog is hot off the press!
semen that would act like an anti- with my schlong hanging out. His And more than ever, we offer
dote. If the semen was strong eyes got bright, and he croaked, earotic music systems and single
enough, it might work. "Bernie . . . Bernie." I forgot to tell components from all the best
By now, the doctors were so you that Rocky was secretly in love brands—at huge discounts. Call
desperate they figured anything with me from the moment he got me, Brillo Bob, or any of the guys
might work. If Rocky was being into my cab. Fags are crazy about and you'll get friendly advice and
poisoned by a witch doctor, maybe me, too. I can't help it. Anyway, low price-quotes right over the
he might be saved by the same kind when I heard this I had to act fast.
of medicine. Only whose come was I gritted my teeth and shoved my
phone... 8 0 5 / 5 4 4 - 9 7 0 0
the right one? So they made every- limp cork at Rocky before the doc- Drop us the envelope at left and
body in the room jerk off and they tors could stop me. He grabbed it you'll quickly receive our 96-page
injected a few drops into Rocky's and did something terrific that color-wonder, free! Include $1 for
arm . . . you know . . . like intra- made my joint shoot up like a fuck- postage, and we'll also zip you the
venous feeding. Nothing happened ing rocket. I don't know what he 1976 Music Machine Almanac: it's
until they shot mine in. All of a did, but all of sudden it was as big a full-color, 150-page reference
sudden, Rocky woke up for a few as a salami. So when the doctors guide to hi-fi equipment complete
seconds and his heart and respira- with photos and specs on over 37
saw what was happening, they
tion began to improve. So it was different brands! PS. If the en-
opened him real fast. In no time I velope's missing, just write me
my come. I figured as much. shot my gun into the spot they directly: Brillo Bob, P.O. Box "S",
But somehow, the excitement of showed me. I never came so fast San Luis Obispo, CA 93405.
that little hunk of come was too and so hard in my life. Then they
much for Rocky, and in a few min- closed him up and crossed their
utes he started sinking fast. All of
a sudden the medical machines
fingers, hoping the next miracle
would happen. A couple of minutes
WAREHOUSE
and wires attached to his body went by and sure as shit, his heart SOUND CO.
started to jump and make noises. started beating stronger. The ma-
The doctors knew there wasn't chines were all showing the right
much time for anything fancy. Not signs. The cocksucker was coming
even for intravenous feeding. They to life. My come saved his life. To
decided there was only one way to tell you the truth, I was impressed
save Rocky—an open heart blow- with Rocky. I was touched by his
job. They figured the fastest way feelings. Fag or no fag, it was a
for me to come was to get a ter- remarkable thing for him to do. He
rific blow-job from one of the fags, must have had a great will to live.
and I would shoot my gun right Well, a few days later, Snotnose
into Rocky's open heart, to get his came by and said that they
ticker working again. The fact that wouldn't need my services anymore.
I just jerked off didn't matter to He gave me a couple of hundred
them. I had to get it up fast and bucks severance pay and that was
get it up good. T h a t was no prob- it. H e said that from now on, Rocky
lem to me since I normally can couldn't afford to fool around with
come fifteen, twenty times a night. fags. The doctors insisted that he
But I'm not crazy about getting be put on a strict antifag regimen
blown by a fag. In fact, I can't —some kind of special injection or
stand them. They turn me off. I serum or some kind of shit that
hate the sons-of-bitches—I'm aller- takes away all sexual desire. So
gic to them. They're the only peo- they didn't need a fag detective
ple who can't turn me on. And anymore. That's all the thanks I
there's no time to get a broad, so got for saving the son-of-a-bitch's
there's no other choice. life! I'll bet you that Rocky is still
Hurry the hell up, yells one of getting his supply of little spies.
the doctors. Who's the best cock- One of these days, he's gonna do it
sucker in the room? They tried all again, and bingo—it'll be all over.
the little spies on me. The poor The papers will say he died of a
guys were sucking and licking and heart attack. But you and me will
stroking and doing everything they know better. And the next time he's
could, but my pecker was still as not going to have Bernie X around
soft as a rabbit's ass. Everybody to save his fucking ass, believe
was screaming at me, cheering me me! •

OCTOBER, 1971/BACK TO SCHOOL: With the Mad parody, Rodrigues' Hire MAY, 1974/SOth ANNIVERSARY: With Son-o'-God Meets Zimmerman, New
the Handicapped, Magical Misery Tour, The Campus War Game, School of Bulgemobiles, Da Vinci's Notebook Vol. I I , Another True Western Romance,
Hard Sell, and 125th Street. Rodrigues' Handicapped Sports, and National Anthems Encores.
DECEMBER, 1971/CHRISTMAS: With Jessica Christ, Blind-Date Comics, This JUNE, 1974/FOOD: With The Cooking of Provincial New Jersey, Weighty
Is Your Life . . . Francis Gary Powers, The Russian Gift Catalogue, and Edi- Waddlers Magazine, The Joys of Wife-Tasting, Digester's Reader, and A Brief
torial Fantasies. Guide to America's Top New Eating Spots.
MARCH, 1972/ESCAPE! With Hitler in Paradise, the California Supplement, JULY, 1974/DESSERT: With Famine Circle Magazine, Gahan Wilson's Baby
celebrity suicide notes, the Papillon parody. Swan Song of the Open Road, Food, Corporate Farmers' Almanac, Rodrigues' Gastronomique Comique, and
and doing it with dolphins. Guns and Sandwiches Magazine.
APRIL, 1972/25TH ANNIVERSARY: With the '58 Bulgemobiles, The Playboy AUGUST, 1974/ISOLATIONISM AND TOOTH CARE: With Agnew's A Very Siz-
Fallout Shelter, Commie Plot Comics, Frontline Dentists, Third Base, the able Advance, Seed Magazine, Executive Deleted, Soul Drinks, Surprise Poster
Dating Newspaper, and Amos 'n' Andy. #7, and True Menu.
MAY, 1972/MEN! With How to Score with Chicks, The Men's Pages, Germaine SEPTEMBER, 1974/OLD AGE: With Unexciting Stories, Rodrigues' Senior Sex,
Spillaine, Stacked Like Me, Norman the Barbarian, and The Zircon As Big As Old Ladies' Home Journal, and Batfart Comics.
the Taft. OCTOBER, 1974/PUBESCENCE: With VD Comics, Nancy Drew Meets Patty
JULY, 1972/SURPRISE! With Third World Comics, the Refugee Pages, the Hearst, Masturbation Funnies, and Tampon Period Piece.
Little Black Book of Chairman Mao, How to Be a He-Man, Sermonette, and NOVEMBER, 1974/CIVICS: With The Rockefeller Art Collection, Prison Farm,
Col. Jingo's Book of Big Ships. Constitutional Comics, and Watergate Down.
AUGUST, 1972/THE MIRACLE OF DEMOCRACY: With True Politics magazine, JANUARY, 1975/NO ISSUE: With Negligent Mother Magazine, Bruce McCall's
The Coronation of King Dick, Gahan Wilson's Miracle of Seniority, and Tales Zeppelin, First High Comics, Watergate Trivia Test, and Night of the Iceless
of the South comics. Capades.
SEPTEMBER, 1972/BOREDOM: With The Wide World of Meat, Our White FEBRUARY, 1975/LOVE AND ROMANCE: With American Bride Magazine, Going
Heritage, Bland Hotel, the / Chink, National Geographic parody, and the Down and Getting Off with Brando, Historia de Amor, An Evening at Dingle-
President's Brother comic. berries, and The St. Valentine's Day Massacre.
OCTOBER, 1972/REMEMBER THOSE FABULOUS SIXTIES? With Bob Dylan MARCH, 1975/GOOD-BYE TO ALL THAT: With Barbar and His Enemies, Gone
and Joan Baez in Zimmerman comics, Tom Wolfe in Watts, and a long- With the Wind '75, Englandland, The '75 Nobels, The Hotel Throckmorton, and
suppressed Rolling Stones album. The New Yorker Parody.
NOVEMBER, 1972/DECADENCE: With Sgt. Shriver's Bleeding Hearts Club APRIL, 1975/CAR SICKNESS: With Warm Rod Magazine, Henry Ford's Diary,
Band, Defeat Day, the Meat Chess Set, the Fetish Supplement, and Adlai Beep, the Bad Little Bus, The 1906 Bulge Buggies, The Tunnel Policemen's
Stevenson in Remnants-of-Dignity Comics. Ball, and Gahan Wilson's Shoes.
DECEMBER, 1972/EASTER: With Son-o'-God comics #2, Chris Miller's Gift MAY, 1975/MEDICINE: With National Sore, Terminal Flatulence, Blue Cross
of the Magi, Great Moments in Chess, Diplomatic Etiquette, and the Special in Peace and War, rodrigues' Comedies, and Our Wonderful Bodies.
Irish Supplement. JUNE, 1975/RAINY DAY ISSUE: With Boy O Boy Magazine, Edward Gorey's
JANUARY, 1973/DEATH: With The Adventures of Deadman, Playdead maga- The Worsted Monster, Parlourbook, Orgygami, and Cloo.
zine, Children's Suicide Letters to Santa, the Last-Aid Kit, plus Bobbie Fisher JULY, 197S/3-D ENTERTAINMENT: With FagHag Mag, The Vespers of 1610,
Shows You How to Beat Death. Hollywood, Hooray, Mel Brooks Is God, Airport '69, and Glitter Bums.
MARCH, 1973/SWEETNESS AND LIGHT: With the National Inspirer, the AUGUST, 1975/JUSTICE: With the Rockefeller Attica Report, Code of Ham-
Young Adorables, My Own Stamp Album, Pharmacopoeia, and Nice Things murabi. Citizen's Arrest Magazine, Inherit Their Wind, and World Night Court.
About Nixon. SEPTEMBER, 1975/BACK TO COLLEGE: With the Vassar Yearbook, Football
Preview, Scholastic Scams, Academic Ploys, Wacky Stuff, Zany Monkeyshines,
APRIL, 1973/PREJUDICE: With Anti-Dutch Hate Literature, All in de Fambly, and the Esquire Parody.
The Shame of the North, Profiles in Chopped Liver, Surprise Poster #4, and
Ivory magazine. I"
MAY, 1973/FRAUD: With the Miracle Monopoly Cheating Kit, Borrow This THE NATIONAL LAMPOON
Book, The Privileged Individual Income Tax Return, and Gahan Wilson's
Curse of the Mandarin. Dept. NL1075, 635 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022
JUNE, 1973/VIOLENCE: With the seven Secret Japanese Techniques of Self Send me the following:
Defense, Kit 'n Kaboodle Comics, Gun Lust Magazine, and Rodrigues' No. of copies Issue No. of copies Issue
Hemophunnies. No. of copies Issue
JULY, T973/SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY: With Popular Workbench. Techno- Oct., 1971 Apr., 1973 Aug., 1974
Tactics, Non-Polluting Power Sources, National Science Fair Projects, and Dec, 1971 May, 1973 Sept., 1974
the Je-sey City Exposition of Progress, Industry S Freedom. • Mar., 1972 June, 1973 Oct., 1974
AUGUST, 1973/STRANGE BELIEFS: With Psychology Today parody, Son-o'- Apr., 1972 July, 1973 Nov., 1974
God Comics #3, Gahan Wilson's Strange Beliefs of Children, and Rubington's May, 1972 Aug., 1973 Jan., 1975
Fuzz Against Bunk. July, 1972 Sept., 1973 Feb., 1975
SEPTEMBER,. 1973/POSTWAR: With Life parody, Nazi Regalia for Gracious Aug., 1972 Oct., 1973 Mar., 1975
Living, Whitedove comics, Vichy Supplement, Guerre Magazine, and Military Sept., 1972 Nov., 1973 Apr., 1975
Trading Cards. • Oct., 1972 Dec, 1973 May, 1975
OCTOBER, 1973/BANANA ISSUE. WHAT?: With Saga of the Frozen North, G. Nov., 1972 Mar., 1974 June, 1975
Gordon Liddy—Agent of C.R.E.E.P., Amtrak Model Train Catalog, Tales of Dec, 1972 Apr., 1974 July, 1975
Nozzlin High School, The Don Juan School of Sorcery, and B. Kliban's Turk. Jan., 1973 May, 1974 Aug., 1975
Mar., 1973 June, 1974 Sept.,1975
NOVEMBER, 1973/SPORTS: With Sports Illustrated parody, Character Building July, 1974
Comics, Doc Feeney's Scrapbook of Sports Oddities, Specialty Sports Mag-
azines, 1976 Olympic Preview, Al "Tantrum" O'Neil's Temper Tips, and I enclose a total of $ at $1 for each copy requested.
Bat Day. This amount covers purchase plus shipping and handling. •
DECEMBER, 1973/SELF-INDULGENCE: With the National Lampoon Building,
Our Sunday Comics, Me Magazine, An Anglo-Saxon Christmas, Practical Jokes
for the Very Rich, How Ed Subitzky Spent His Summer, and Poonbeat. My name_--
MARCH, 1974/STUPID: With the Stupid Aptitude Test, Kancer Kare Kosmetics,
The Stupid Group, and Stupid News & World Report. Address
APRIL, 1974/TRAVEL: With Gahan Wilson's Paranoid Abroad, Airline Magazine,
Amish in Space, RMS 'Tyrannic' Brochure, 148 Countries You Can't Visit, and City -State ..Zip.
Welcome to Cheeseburg.

PROFESSIONALS TALK ABOUT THE NEW MARANTZ TUNER AND AMPS.
"The Marantz 1070 integrated amp is

close to optimum in performance
and the low price makes it an even
better value!'
In December, 1974, sound engineers and audiophiles were invited to examine and
discuss the new Marantz Stereo Console Amplifiers featuring models 1040
and 1070 and the new Marantz 112 AM/FM Stereo Tuner.
The following comments were taken from that taped discussion.
" T h e c i r c u i t r y is n o w full- The 112 Tuner

complementary direct coupled to the "It's got phase lock loop, a Dolby®*
s p e a k e r t e r m i n a l s . As a r e s u l t , t h e de-emphasis switch and a number of
damping factor is much improved at low other high-performance features. There're
frequencies where it counts'.' no g i m m i c k s in it. Every feature is
•
The 1 0 7 0 Stereo Amp practical!'
"The output circuitry now includes a •
"As far as good basic features are
concerned, it's comparable to units cost- speaker protection relay circuit and turn "A complete system including the
ing twice as much!' on delay!' 112 tuner plus either the 1070 integrated
• • amp or the 1040 integrated amp gives
"It maintains all the features of the "There's improved thermal stability. performance you couldn't get in most
Marantz 1060, plus it adds a number of This buys long term reliability as well receivers and still costs less than
features of its own. For instance, it now as improved performance" The Marantz 1070 Amp, 1040 Amp
has graphic slide-type tone controls, The 1 0 4 0 Stereo Amp and 112 Tuner are just part of the exciting
two tape monitors and a versatile mode "The new 1040 integrated amp is new Marantz component line starting
selector switch!' rated at 20 watts minimum continuous as low as $199.95. Each of them reflects
•
power per channel with no more than t h e kind of t e c h n i c a l e x p e r t i s e a n d
"With the 1070 you have a full range 0.3% total harmonic distortion, 20 Hz engineering excellence that has made
of tone controls like bass, mid range and to 20 kHz, both channels driven into Marantz the choice of professionals
treble slide controls plus preamp out and an 8 ohm load!' world-wide. Stop by your local dealer
main in jacks'.' • and see the entire Marantz line. Or send
•
"I feel strongly about the preamp "It also has the ambience circuitry for a free catalog.
out j a c k s . You can re-equalize t a p e for simulated 4-channel. Most all of the Marantz. Ask an expert.
features of the 1070 are on the 1040."
recordings, insert equalizers or even add •
electronic cross-overs into the chain!' "It's an excellent p e r f o r m a n c e
•
component for a modest price'.'
"One major feature that I like in the
1070 is its ambience circuitry. Essentially
it's a speaker matrix or pseudo 4-channel.
This means you can get into simulated
4-channel sound by just adding a second
pair of speakers'.'
•
"In addition to the step up in power
to 35 watts minimum continuous power
per channel with no more than 0.3%
total harmonic distortion, 20 Hz to 20
kHz both channels driven into an 8 ohm
load, the circuitry is direct coupled!'
•Dolby System under license from Dolby Laboratories, Inc. © 1 9 7 5 Marantz Co.. Inc., a subsidiary of Superscope, Inc., 8150 Vineland Ave., Sun Valley, CA 91352. In Europe: Super-
scope Europe, S.A., Brussels, Belgium. In Canada: Superscope Canada, Ltd., Ontario. In the Far East: Marantz Far East, Tokyo, Japan. Prices and models subject to change without
notice. Consult the Yellow Pages for your nearest Marantz dealer.

"Why Viceroy? Because I'd never
smoke a boring cigarette!'

That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. VICEROY
mg. "tar," 1.0 mg. nicotine;
• cigarette, FTC Report Apr. 75
joy Viceroy flavor—now in a bold new pack.
iceroy. Where excitement is now a taste.


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What are some of the features highlighted in the receiver specifications?

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What are some comments made about the Marantz 1070 integrated amplifier?

What are some comments made about the Marantz 1070 integrated amplifier?

Big Tit Contest

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Cuban Homo Farm Ykughn B o d e Memorial

Total versatility plus innovation!

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

•"." • Sm-- ! jj 1 LJjymjJiBSB ~f^-~t\T £R

SX-535 SX-636 SX-737

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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

NATIONAL LAMPOON® MAGAZINE: "National Lampoon" is a registered

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Editors: Tony Hendra, Brian McConnachie, Sean Kelly, Douglas Kenney

© 1975, Memorex Corporation, Santa Clara, California 95052

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

On Sire Records / Marketed by ABC

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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

feller, y'know. That's how I know

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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Be kind to feet. They outnumber people two to one!'

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

UGANDA TO RULE WAVES?

General Idi Amin, dubbed he i n t e n d e d t o force, who glory in coast. President

THE NATIONAL LAMPOON

Name__ On sale at bookstores or via the

The National Lampoon Dept. NL10 7 5

Enclosed is my D Check • ' Money Order

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

18 N A T I O N A L L A M P O O N Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

COLLEGIATE INTERNATIONAL TURTLE CLUB. INC.

ferent brands! 525(00 Join the TURTLES. Until you have,

People-to-people vanguard urban areas that each citizen will

Total saving: $3 billion.

Trimming the fat in the bureaucracy: A two-

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Actually, we'd rather Bill Walton and The FBI Go

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. M4TinMAT L A M P O O N 9K

Get into Long Johns. They'll suit you.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Now your favorite colognes can go w h e r e

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

\bu'll see why so many people are switching to separates.

u frighten animals with

PROCRUSTEAN RED SPECIAL REPORT

IN THIS MONTH'S SCULPTUREPLM

annul PATRICU IAKE O'ROURKAE, Editor-in-Chief

T h e I lii in>r >Isn«*i 11 e