Unfuck You Ranger Work Book
Unfuck You Ranger Work Book
Unfuck You Ranger Work Book
unf ck
your
ange r
workbook
Faith Harper
PhD, LPC-S, ACS, ACN
UNFUCK
YOUR
ANGER
WORKBOOK
Faith G. Harper,
PhD, LPC-S, ACS, ACN
Microcosm Publishing
Portland, OR
UNFUCK YOUR ANGER WORKBOOK
Faith G. Harper, PhD, LPC-S, ACS, ACN
Part of the 5 Minute Therapy Series
ISBN 978-1-62106-124-3
This is Microcosm #454
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Introduction
H
ey, there badass. How are you doing today? Me, I spent
hours dealing with replacing a couple tires yesterday.
And had to walk home in the South Texas heat. And
tried to order groceries but couldn’t remember how to
spell “pretzel.” Let’s just say my frustration level is not that of a blissed out,
fully actualized human person right now. So I’m sitting with that. And
labeling it for what it is, an AFGO.
We are all dealing with tons of big, shitty problems that are enough to
make anyone angry. People who have hurt us in the past. People hurting
us in the present. Incomprehensible levels of political fuckitude. And
then, as if that isn’t tough enough, there are the dumb little things that pile
on. Like my day today.
Often, out of control anger responses are far more about the little things
piling on than the individual event that sets us off….so paying attention
to all of it is how we learn to better manage our anger.
I did these little things instead of yelling at mechanics and tow truck
drivers or anyone who is crossing my path. Rather than getting so activated
I’m pissy and headachy and ruining my day. Or taking out a Costco sized
bag of potato chips. Or anything else of that nature. Instead of being mad
at myself for feeling frustrated and upset and un-self-actualized, I’m just
feeling what I’m feeling, figuring out what’s going on, and working with
the very human body-mind I live in.
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And that’s what this workbook is about.
This workbook stands alone from the book so you don’t have to buy
the book for it to make sense. And the book works just fine without the
workbook. Nothing chaps my ass more than buying something and being
told I have to buy nine more fucking things for it to work. So I won’t ever
pull that shit on you. You buy (or borrow) whatever of my writings make
most sense for you and fuck the rest. It’s all good.
So, crack open a root beer, order some pretzels, and start working through
this book. Your anger reactions are going to start making a ton of sense
really soon. And then you are going to have better tools to manage your
responses in a way that’s healthy instead of reactive.
Up earlier, when I called you a badass? I totally mean that. You’ve got a
great smile, a cute butt, and you are a survivor who has the capability of
unlearning your old ways of doing things that helped you survived and
learning newer, healthier skills to help you thrive. You got this.
–Dr. Faith
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Your Anger Narrative
W
e all experience anger in different ways. We are the product of our
experiences. What has happened to us, what we have witnessed, what we
were taught by others. Being more mindful of our own experiences of anger
is the first part in recognizing our own unique experiences of anger. And that allows us a
better understanding of them (brain science!) and then managing them (therapy hacks!).
What incident from your past that you have not let go of has the biggest hold on you?
What does your anger look like (how do you behave when angry)?
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How has anger been destructive to your relationships?
Is there anyone in your past that you learned your anger behavior from (anyone you model
from or react against?)
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Figuring out your lifemorts
L
IFEMORTS are the nine rage circuits in our brain identified by
neuroscientist and fancy National Instutite for Health researcher R.
Douglas Fields. Short explanation? There are certain categories of
situations that we have adapted an evolutionary response to keep us
safe and alive. And anger is an activating response to help us with that staying-
alive thing.
This worksheet helps you recognize your emotional labels around anger, the
effect they have on your thinking patterns and physical reactions, AND gives you
space to recognize your LIFEMORTS triggers. So if you have certain triggers that
are particularly apparent, you can plan to deal with them more proactively, right?
Life or Limb: This is where the brain perceives a situation as a literal life-or-death
attack and responds defensively.
Insult: This is where the brain perceives an emotional attack rather than a
physical one, like a dominance challenge. Dr. Fields calls it the human
version of head-butting.
Family: This is where the brain perceives an attack on someone we love, our
family as self-defined.
Environment: This is where the brain perceives an attack on our territory, our
physical space (home, car, etc.)
Mate: This is where our brain perceives an attack against our romantic partner.
Order in Society: This is where the brain perceives an attack to our place in
society. This can be a social justice fueled anger, but is also what often
causes mob violence at protests.
Resources: This is where the brain perceives an attack on our resources, like
money or possessions.
Tribe: This is where the brain perceives an attack on our identified community,
whether our extended family, group of friends, neighbhood, etc.
Stopped: This is where the brain perceives that we are being inprisoned or our
progress is being held up by someone else in some way.
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ANGRY ASSOCIATED LIFEMORTS
EMOTION ASSOCIATED BODY
THOUGHTS TRIGGERS
FELT (Irritation, SENSATIONS
Frustration, Rage, etc)
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Personalizing your anger experiences
with Ahen
This worksheet is another way for you to observe your underlying patterns related
to your experiences of anger. Recall a recent situation where you were angry, and
answer these questions about it.
Anger emerges from:
• Hurt
• Expectations not met
• Needs not met
What are the underlying roots of your anger? If you aren’t sure, reflect on when you
first noticed that you were angry. What was going on around you…sights, smells, noises,
people? What were you doing? What were others doing? What were you thinking about?
Any particular memories coming up at that time?
Once you figured out these underlying roots, were they legit or were they more about you
and your history than about the present situation?
If the roots are legit, are they something that need to be addressed or is it one of those
bullshit daily life things that just happens? Speeding ticket, fucked up drive thru order,
etc.?
If it needs to be addressed what is the best way to do so? How do you correct the situation
with as little disruption as possible?
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What can you do to keep from getting further hurt in the process (physically, emotionally,
and mentally)?
Can you keep the hurt to others minimal (physically, mentally, and emotionally)?
Does it need to be addressed immediately, or can it wait until you are calmer and feel safer?
Is there anyone you can talk to that is going to have a healthy, supportive perspective…a
counselor, friend, mentor, family member? Someone who knows you, loves you, and will
totally call you out on your shit if need be.
After you act (instead of react), then evaluate the results. Did it work? Is this a strategy that
you can use again? Are you still angry or are you feeling better and safer now?
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Riding the wave
T
hink of each emotion as a wave crashing on the shore. Different
types of waves can represent different emotions. Some days, the
surf may be mild and some days it may be huge and stormy. But
we don’t have to drown in the waves. And we know that we can’t
stop them from coming. So we surf. I know, easier said than done. When you are
having a strong emotional response, try this exercise. Hell, even better…try it now
just for practice:
DEVELOP AN UNDERSTANDING
WITH YOUR FEELING
You don’t have to become friends, but you can become more comfortable with its
existence. Don’t judge it as good or bad, just accept its existence. Maybe you can
learn to appreciate what it’s trying to tell you.
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what am i feeling?
I
know, I know. You’re all kinds of pissed off and are supposed to stop and fill out
a worksheet? Fuck off with that. If you can, that’s brilliant. But this is also a very
helpful tool to use in reflection, after you’ve calmed down enough to not wad up
this worksheet and throw it across the room or something.
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communicating with “i Statements”
N
ow here is a great fucking tool for communicating your action
plan to resolve your feelings with someone else. You may
decide to share these statements with someone. Or you may
just be doing internal work around your own anger patterns.
Acknowledgement isn’t necessarily done in your out-loud voice.
I feel
when you
What I want is
I feel
when you
What I want is
I feel
when you
What I want is
I feel
when you
What I want is
I feel
when you
What I want is
I feel
when you
What I want is
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What about when you didn’t?
I
n therapy-speak, we call these exception seeking questions. Meaning, let’s
look at the times that you didn’t manage anger badly. Sometimes the best
tools for anger management already lie within you, we just need to figure
out how you draw upon those tools on the regular.
Can you think of a time where you were angry and you didn’t let it take you over?
What helped?
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How can you reframe your experience?
O
ne of the places in which we get stuck is when we frame the story through
the lens of how we were the victims of the violence or neglect of others.
While those feelings are valid, they impede recovery. Rewriting our story as
one in which we survived can dramatically reframe our experience without
letting anyone off the hook for the harm they have caused. Once we realize our capacity
to survive, we can then focus on our future goals instead of being stuck in the past. Try re-
narrating your experience, placing yourself as the survivor instead of the victim:
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T
Something pissed you off? Let’s Solve Your problem
his tool (adapted from Dr. Weisinger’s Anger Workout Book) is an
even more structured way of mapping out and creating solutions.
It helps get your thinking brain back online when your emotional
(angry) brain is trying to take over the show.
State Your Problem: Identify and define the problematic situation.
Outline Your Response: After describing the details of your problem as specifically and
expansively as you can, then detail your usual response. Researchers who studied expert
problem solvers found that they didn’t look at the problems in abstract terms, but instead
focused very concretely on the “who, what, where, when, why, and how” facts.
List Your Alternatives: Brainstorm all your possible solutions. Yes, even “magical thinking”
type solutions or “go back to bed and let it figure itself out” solutions. They bubble up, and
that’s ok. Don’t worry about quality, the important thing is quantity. Come up with as
many different possibilities as possible.
Visualize Your Consequences: Consider the possible outcomes of all of the alternatives
you listed. What might happen in both the short and long term? Are these consequences
you can deal with? Cross out anything that is clearly a non-starter. Consider combining
alternatives and visualizing how that would work.
Evaluate Your Results: Now you gotta act. Use the same strategy in more than one
scenario (you know, on multiple occasions when people piss you off). What are the actual
consequences? Is this an improvement over the old ways you responded? Do you need to
go back to the drawing board, or do you have a good handle on things now?
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entrapment by resentment
I
f you are a better human than me, you haven’t ever struggled with resentment.
And that makes you such a badass you totally get to skip this whole section.
Unfortunately, most all of us have been snared by resentment at some point in our
lives, if not on the regular. And resentment is anger’s favorite fuel. It’s a sort of
low-key simmer of all of the anger triggers we discussed earlier. Resentment is tied to our
perception of unfairness about a situation. It fuels the flames of anger because it helps us
justify our feelings of anger.
Resentment is just as valid as anger. I’m so not saying it isn’t. But that resentment isn’t in
and of itself actionable. Paying attention to your resentment habits may help you define
and set better boundaries with others. Or it may help you take note of the thinking patterns
that no longer serve you. Operating in direct response to resentment, however, is toxic to
our wellbeing. We can unfuck our resentments so they no longer control us, while paying
attention to what they may be signaling. For example, others disrespecting you boundaries
may show up as a resentment of them as people rather than actions that you can correct.
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meditation on the soles of the feet
Adapted from a study by Singh, Lancioni, Singh, Winton, Sabaawi, Wahler & Singh (2007)
This may be a “well, duh” thing to say but the more calm and relaxing the atmosphere, the
better. Even if you can just dim the lighting a bit it can really help.
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alternative nostril breathing technique
Sanskrit Name: Nadi Shodhana
T
his breathing technique has been shown to calm the body by giving
you control of your autonomic function…meaning it literally helps
you calm yourself down and has been shown to be more effective
for this purpose than other breathing techniques designed for the
same purpose (e.g., paced breathing).
To practice ANB, fold your middle three fingers into your palm so only your
thumb and pinky finger are extended. This is the universal sign for “call me,” the
Hawaiian sign for “hang loose,” and my alma mater’s sign for our mascot, the
roadrunner.
Beep, beep.
Ahem, anyway. Use your thumb to close one nostril and breathe in through the
other.
Move your hand to use your pinky to close the other nostril while releasing your
thumb from the first nostril to breathe out.
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T
chair yoga
hese are all bend-at-the-waist yoga forms that I specifically use to
calm the vagus nerve and get the parasympathetic nervous system
back online.
They are all meant to be done seated. You can absolutely do these
poses on a mat, but a chair can give you some good support, especially if don’t
have much yoga experience, have limited mobility, some pain issues, etc. But
even in a chair, and even when not doing yoga forms that require extending the
arms, you can still end up hurting yourself…and yoga is NOT supposed to hurt.
Some rules:
4) If you find yourself holding your breath, you’re working too hard. You
should be breathing because you are a human being and the breathing
in and out thing is important, OK?
5) Use a chair that isn’t on wheels, has a straight back, and (ideally) does
not have arms).
6) Make sure you tell everyone that you totally did yoga today.
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S
Mountain pose
it straight up and extend your spine.
Root down in your chair on the lowest part of your tailbone (your sit
bones)—the two points that take the weight of your body when you
sit.
Be mindful to keep your legs at a 90 degree angle, with your knees directly over
your ankles, with some space between your knees. This is a great pose to simply
engage your core, check in with your posture, and focus on your breath. Come to
this pose after each of the poses below.
Roll your shoulders back and pull your belly in toward your spine, then relax your
arms down at your sides.
K
Cat-cows
eeping both feet on the floor and you spine long, put your
hands on the tops of your thighs, or your knees if you can do so
comfortably.
Arch your spine and roll your shoulders toward your back. Moo!
Round your spine, and drop your chin toward your chest, rolling your shoulders
forward inward to your chest. Meow!
Continue moving back and forth between cat and cow positions, experimenting
with moving during inhalations and exhalations, 5 to 10 cycles.
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Sufi Rolls
A
s you inhale, lean your torso over to the right and then circle
it out in front of you and around to the left, coming around
the back as you exhale. Create a circle, leading from the belly
button. Inhale forward and exhale backward. Then reverse.
Chair Pigeons
Move back into seated mountain, then bring your right ankle up to rest on your
left thigh. Keep your knee parallel with your ankle as much as possible and hold
this form for 5 breath cycles if you can do so without pain or discomfort. If you
want to deepen the stretch, you can bend your waist forward over your leg.
Repeat with the left leg.
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S
Seated forward bend
tart back in seated mountain form, then fold your upper body over
your legs from the waist. You can leave your hands at your sides or
use them for extra support in the form by resting them on your thighs,
then sliding them down your legs as you hinge forward. Experiment
with holding this form for 5-10 cycles of breathing. When you are ready, move
back into seated mountain form.
single-leg stretch
F
or this one, you can scooch forward closer to the edge of the chair for
more traction (but not so close you end up biffing it, ok?)
Stretch your right leg out, pointing your toes up and resting your heel
on the floor. Rest your hands on your right leg, then lift up through
your spine and bend over your right leg, sliding your hands down your leg
to support your movement forward. You can take the stretch as far as it feels
comfortable, but don’t push yourself to the place of pain. You can hold onto your
ankle or the back of your calf for support if you are able to drop that low. Hold
this position for 5 breath cycles, if possible, and experiment with deepening the
pose as you breathe.
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S
Final relaxation form
itting comfortably in your chair, drop all muscle tension. Close your
eyes or allow your gaze to soft focus into the middle distance. Focus
on your breath and notice sensations in your body. Allow yourself
2-3 minutes of rest before getting up from your practice.
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O
Figuring out our stuck points
ne of the biggest obstacles to forgiveness is our human tendency
to keep reacting to hurt in the same ways, despite the fact that
these strategies don’t serve us. “Well, stop it” is an easy enough
response, but human brains do so adore well-worn grooves of
behavior…and we have to recognize the grooves before we can apply thde brakes.
This worksheet is designed to help you figure out your strategy stuck points by
building conscious awareness of your behavior patterns so you can implement a
plan for different ways of reacting.
New Strategy Experiment
Outcome Of Experiment
Emotional Response
Emotional Response
Old Strategy
Old Result
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R
Self-injury checklist
esearch shows, time and again, that individuals with elevated
levels of internalized anger—anger at the people who have hurt us
and anger at ourselves for being helpless in the face of abuse—are
the people who engage in self-injurious behavior.
Self-Injury Behaviors
Scratched or tore at your skin enough that you tore the skin or left a mark
that lasted more than a few minutes
Pinched your skin enough that you left a mark that lasted more than a few
minutes
Cut or carved any of the flesh on your body with any form of sharp object
(razor blade, knife, scissors, sharp glass, broken button, broken CD, etc.)
Injected poisonous or toxic substances into your flesh or blood steam for
their harmful effect (not for a high, like with drugs)
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Stuck pins or needles anywhere in or underneath your skin (other than
piercings, tattoos, or BDSM needle play)
Jumped down from an unsafe distance for the intention of taking a hard
fall
Choked yourself for the injury or to pass out (not for the high or for
autoerotic asphyxiation)
Are there any other ways you have purposely physically hurt yourself or intentionally
mutilated your body in order to hurt yourself?
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A
personal symptom record
nger, anxiety, and mood disorders don’t show up on lab tests.
To get help for them, you’ll usually need to get your own damn
self into a clinic saying “shit is fucked and I really really need to
figure this out and get help” so that someone can help you sort
through the shit and figure out what was wrong. And that’s what this worksheet
is for. Not for you to self-diagnose then demand Xanax from your doc, but for you
to take time to create a good record of what’s been going on so you can connect
with a clinician who can ask good questions, clarify information, and help you
figure out what treatment and support you need…and hopefully in far less than
ten fucking years. So consider using this and bringing it in to your appointment
and requesting to go through it with your treatment provider.
What does “symptoms” mean? Anything that you are thinking, feeling, and doing
that are reinforcing problems or stuckness in your life instead of growth and
healing.
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Symptoms I’m having Intensity of the experience How long, on average, do How often do I experience How many months or
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(on a scale of 1-10) I experience the symptom the symptom in any given years has this been going
when I have it? week? on?
B
Unfucking Anger: The check in
ecoming skillful in the management of our emotions is not a
recipe. If it was, we’d all follow the recipe and everyone would
have a lovely homemade flan of a calm life. Instead, we have to
test a lot of different stuff out and find what works best for us. It’s
tough work. Took a while to get fucked, takes awhile to get unfucked. Checking in
on your progress is really helpful in not getting overwhelmed and dissuaded from
continuing to work at it.
Are you finding yourself more or less activated by situations that would make
you angry in the past? Are the differences in the level of anger or the number of
instances of anger?
Are you finding that anger’s grip on you is getting tighter or looser?
Are you finding that you have better skills to navigate your anger than you have
in the past?
Do you believe that you have more control over your emotions that you have in
the past?
Are certain skills becoming easier to access and utilize once you are activated? Do
you see the potential for them becoming second nature?
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More Five Minute Therapy by Dr. Faith Harper
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35
Anger is a vital emotion for survival,
but when it gets out of hand, or if you
always bottle it up, it can be disastrous.
When you feel irritable all the time, or
if your rage is getting the best of you,
calm your breathing, reset, and take
advantage of this companion workbook
to Unfuck Your Anger by the inimitable
Dr. Faith. Filled with helpful exercises,
worksheets, the workbook can be used on
its own, and walks you through building
an anger narrative, identifying your rage
triggers, and identifying where you get
stuck, as well as skills like meditation,
communication, and breathing. Turn your
anger into fuel for treating yourself and
others well and living the life you want.
FUCK MAKING THE BED
[ ]
HOW TO BE AN ADULTIER ADULT
Praise for This is Your Brain on Depression Praise for Unf*ck Your Brain
unf
“Jam-packed with empathetic encouragement.” —Shelf Awareness “Dr. Faith is a hoot with heart, and her guide is full of workable, professional advice,
“Technically
RULES flawless
AREwriting and
FOR an unusually
GAMES refreshing delivery.” —Reader Views
UNF CK YOUR
as well as it is replete with sarcasm, good humor, and grace.” —Foreword Reviews
Unf ck
Have you ever been so Unf*ck Your
ADULTING
Dr. Faith explains
ANGER
ck Your Intimacy Relationships, sex, and dating
and some other people’s too? Perhaps you’ve in this handy book. Spoiler: None of the
got good reasons to be mad as hell, and you aren’t requirements are about having certain jobs, Give Yourself Permission,
Your
going to take it anymore. Or if you’ve repressed your kids, possessions and debts, or being totally bored Carry Your Own Baggage,
Using Science to Understand
anger all your life and now it’s all coming out at once. and stressed out and hating your life. This book will Don’t Be a Dick, Make Decisions,
Dr Faith explains what the hell is going on in your brain Frustration, Rage, and Forgiveness
not teach you to change your oil or fold fitted sheets. & Other Life Skills
and how to retrain yourself to deal with enraging situations
Frustration, Rage, and Forgiveness
and counseling practice like, “If it’s not yours, don’t touch
is Your Brain on Anger gives you a heady dose of neuroscience and
intimacY
it,” “Love people but not their bullshit,” “Invest in small
cultural explanation of what anger is and what it does to you,
Your Own Baggage, Don’t Be a Dick,
and then gives you a handy four-step checklist to help you deal
using science for better
with maddening situations, guidance on getting over things, Explore your relationships and sexuality, with yourself and with do adulty stuff well, but it’s the kind of work that’s
and a chapter on forgiveness. Your brain actually others, with this new book by Dr. Faith, author of bestselling _Unfuck satisfying because it’s about being good to
knows what it’s doing, and anger can be a Your Brain_. With science and humor, Dr. Faith demystifies topics yourself and other people and building
good thing sometimes—just not if such as consent, shame, kink, orientation, and trauma recovery. a life that you’re okay with
it’s ruining your life. Read this book to learn vital life skills like listening to your body waking up to
and your gut, setting boundaries, and communicating your needs. every day. Keep these hot tips
“Buy this book, read it, put the tools If you’re looking to heal from past wounds, make better choices, or using science for better around for when you’re making big
in it into practice. You can thank me
Relationships, sex,
improve an existing relationship, this book and its many exercises
FAITH G. HARPER,
and dating
Harper, PhD
Caveman Podcast Better sex and relationships are totally possible! You’ve got this. transition. The truth is, adulting is way more fun than
Faith G.
GE YOUR LIF EA
kidding. You got this!
AN ND
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$9.95 U.S. / $12.99 CANADA
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www.
Microcosm.Pub FAITH G. HARPER, PHD, LPC-S, ACS, ACN
FAITH G. HARPER, PHD, LPC-S, ACS, ACN FAITH G. HARPER, PhD, LPC-S, ACS, ACN AUTHOR OF UNF*CK YOUR BRAIN
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