THE HEARTBREAK WORKBOOK

THE HEARTBREAK WORKBOOK

Keishorne Scott 1
 THE HEARTBREAK WORKBOOK

"Don't cry when the sun is gone because

the tears won't let you see the stars."
— Violeta Para

Keishorne Scott 2
 THE HEARTBREAK WORKBOOK

TABLE OF CONTENTS
Step 1 - Forgiveness …………………………………………....pg 5

Step 2 - Accept The Pain ………………………………………..pg 11

Step 3 - Change Your Habits …………………………………..pg 14

Step 4 - Change Your Thoughts ………………………………pg 17

Step 5 - Change How You See Yourself And Your Ex ……..pg 24

Step 6 - Change How You See Your Past …………………...pg 31

Step 7 - Fall Out Of Love For Good …………………………...pg 38

Step 8 - Understand Your Emotions ………………………….pg 43

Step 9 - Believe That You Will Love Again …………………..pg 51

Step 10 - Live Happily After Your Breakup …………………...pg 53

Keishorne Scott 3
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“You’re amazing! I love your life and the

fact that you’re still here.”
- Mr. Scott

Keishorne Scott 4
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STEP 1
FORGIVENESS
_____________________

Forgiving others and yourself is infinitely terrifying yet necessary for achieving healthy
relationships and moving on. It’s about being willing to acknowledge that you are
capable of being wounded and able to risk exposing yourself. It also means that you’re
stepping out of the role of a victim and taking charge of your life.

Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood concepts, yet people often express
clichés such as “forgive and forget” as if it’s an easy process. However, the importance
of forgiveness takes on a new meaning after divorce because no one marries with the
intent of divorcing so hurt and shame can run deep.

At times people equate forgiveness with weakness and it’s also widely believed that if
you forgive someone you’re condoning their behavior. In my case, I held a grudge
against my ex for many years and was unable to forgive her for her part in our
relationship because it made me feel vulnerable to being hurt again.

But once I understood that it takes courage to forgive someone who you believe
wronged you, and that it’s not about accepting, condoning, or excusing someone’s
behavior, I was free to forgive my ex and myself for the pain we caused each other
during our relationship.

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What does forgiveness mean?

What does forgiveness really mean? Forgiving is one way of letting go of your baggage
so that you can heal and move forward with your life. It’s about giving yourself, your
children, and perhaps even your new partner, the kind of future you and they deserve –
unhampered by hurt and recycled anger. It’s about choosing to live a life wherein others
don’t have power over you and you’re not dominated by unresolved anger, bitterness,
and resentment.

Forgiveness is not letting someone off the hook. Forgiveness is NOT the same as
forgetting what happened, or condoning your ex actions, giving up claims to a fair
settlement or reconciliation. While forgiveness may help others, it first and foremost can
help you.”

What if I can’t forgive?

Many experts believe that forgiveness is a critical aspect of relationship recovery but
that acceptance is a worthy option in cases where you’re not ready to forgive. In her
groundbreaking book How Can I Forgive You? Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D. explains
that acceptance is a responsible, authentic choice to an interpersonal injury when the
offender won’t engage in the healing process by apologizing.

While Dr. Abrahams encourages readers to muster up the courage to forgive others
who have wronged them, she also says that forgiveness that’s not genuine is “cheap” –
so not worth much. She writes, “For those of you who have been wronged, I encourage
you to take care of yourself, be fair, and seek life-serving ways to cleanse your wound.”
She suggests that while genuine forgiveness is a worthwhile goal, acceptance is the
middle ground between unforgivable hurt and cheap forgiveness.

There are many reasons why people have difficulty letting go of the past and reversing
the painful consequences of their past. People may take on the pain of others’ mistakes
because they take their offenses personally. Individuals heal best when they react as if

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the injury happened to a close friend. When people create a grievance story which
focuses on their suffering and assigns blame, their suffering is magnified.

Forgiveness is not to focus on what happened in the past and neither is it

remaining upset or holding onto grudges. You may have been hurt in the past, but
you are upset today. Both forgiveness and grievances are experiences that you have in
the present.

Resentment

One of the biggest problems with ongoing resentment in relationships is that it often
leads to withdrawal and poor communication. And if you’re bottling up feelings of anger,
sadness, or disappointment often, this can lead to feelings of resentment.

If your feelings of resentment toward your ex are persistent, it can cause you to hold a
grudge which is usually deep and often the result of an injury or insult that has
occurred. People hold grudges due to both real and fancied wrongdoing. Either way, the
bitterness that comes with a grudge – even if understandable – comes with a price.
Studies show that letting hostility fester can lead to depression, anxiety, cardiovascular
issues, immune system problems, and higher risk of stroke.

7 steps to forgiving your ex:

1. Write down three ways your hurt feelings have impacted (or are still
impacting) your life. Gain awareness of the emotions you experience about
your past hurt. Talking to a close friend, coach or therapist can help
facilitate this process.

2. Find a way to dislodge yourself from negative emotions. Examples include

praying, therapy, coaching, yoga, improving your physical health, and practicing
expressing thoughts, feelings, and wishes in a respectful way. Resentment can
build when people sweep things under the rug, so be vulnerable and don’t
bury negative feelings.

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3. Take small steps to let go of grudges or grievances. Repair the damage by

finding ways to soothe hurt feelings. This might include writing a letter of release
to the person who injured you – even if you don’t mail it. Your letter might read
something like: “I release you from the pain you caused me when we used to
argue.”

4. Take responsibility for your part in the conflict or dispute. One person’s
ability to do this can change the dynamic of the relationship. Dr.’s Julie and John
Gottman write: “one person’s response will literally change the brain waves of the
other person.” Apologize to the other person when appropriate. This will validate
their feelings and promote forgiveness and allow you both to move on.

5. Don’t let wounds fester. Challenge your beliefs and self-defeating thoughts
about holding on to hurt feelings. Processing what happened briefly will allow you
to let resentments go so you can move on to a healthier relationship. Keep the
big picture in mind.

6. Accept that people do the best they can and attempt to be more
understanding. This does not mean that you condone the hurtful actions of
others. You simply come to a more realistic view of your past. As you take note,
you will realize that all people operate out of the same basic drives, including
self-interest.

7. Practice forgiveness by thinking like a forgiving person. Avoid holding a grudge

and declare you are free to stop playing the role of victim. After all, we are all
imperfect. For some people, genuine forgiveness is not possible, but acceptance
is a worthy goal.

Practicing forgiveness allows you to turn the corner from feeling like a victim to
becoming a more empowered person.

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Answer the following questions:

1. What does forgiveness mean to you?

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2. What are the necessary steps you will need to take to completely forgive?
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3. Who is forgiveness really for?

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4. What is holding you back from forgiving?

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Exercise Time:

Forgiving and Releasing Others

Here’s a simple exercise to do that has powerful results — try it and see!

For many of you, it might be the single simple key that opens you up to the intimacy you
have been longing for.

At the top of a page, write: “The people in my life who have hurt me are…”

Then write down the names of everyone in your life whom you feel has ever mistreated
you, harmed you, or done you an injustice, or toward whom you feel or have felt
resentment, hurt, or anger.

Next to each person’s name, write down what they did to you or what you resent them
for.

Then close your eyes, relax, and visualize or imagine each person, one by one.

Hold a little conversation with each one, and express the anger and hurt that you have
felt. Tell them exactly what they have done to upset you and what you want from them.

Once you have done this, explain to them that now you are going to do your best to
forgive them for everything and to dissolve and release all constricted energy between
you.

Give them a blessing and say: “I forgive you and release you. Go your own way and be
happy.”

When you have finished this process, write across the paper: “I now forgive you and
release you all.”

When you finish this exercise, you can tear this page out and throw it away, as a symbol
of letting go, or just write “FORGIVEN AND RELEASED” in big letters across the page.

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STEP 2
ACCEPT THE PAIN
_____________________

Losing your true love is one of the most painful, confusing and complicated things that
people can go through. Even though everyone around you tries to be helpful, saying
things like “You just have to let it go,” or “You’ll find someone better,” it’s not that simple.
You want to move on and create a fresh start, but it feels impossible to build a new life
when you’re still grieving your old one.

When you’re heartbroken, you walk around with a burning hole in your heart and a head
full of obsessions. You can’t just “turn off” the feelings, even though the relationship is
over. You know intellectually that you need to move on, but even though your head tells
you one thing your heart is still attached — even if you are the one that left.

Even though people talk about “getting over it” like it was easy, it’s not. Everyone in the
world who has the capacity to love deeply has felt crushed and confused in the
aftermath of a failed (or failing) relationship. Even though many people going through
bad breakups can get tricked into believing there is “something wrong with them”
because they can’t “just get over it”

What you need to do is accept that you will have to go through some pain. It is an
unavoidable truth that if you loved enough to be heartbroken, you have to experience
some suffering.

When you lose something that mattered to you, it is natural and important to feel sad
about it: that feeling is an essential part of the healing process.

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The problem with broken-hearted people is that they seem to be reliving their misery
over and over again. If you cannot seem to break the cycle of painful memories, the
chances are that you are locked into repeating dysfunctional patterns of behavior. Your
pain has become a mental habit. This habit can, and must, be broken. This is not to
belittle the strength of your feelings or the importance of the habits you've built up during
your relationship. Without habit, none of us would function. But there comes a time
when the pain becomes unhealthy.

When you enter your bedroom at night, you switch on the light without thinking. If you’re
obsessed about your ex, and feel unhappy all the time, it's likely that your unconscious
mind is 'switching on' your emotions in exactly the same way. Without realizing it, you
have programmed yourself to feel a load of grief every time you hear that tune you
danced to, or see your ex's empty chair across the kitchen table.

Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship:

Grief is a natural reaction to loss, and the breakup or divorce of a love relationship
involves multiple losses:

A. Loss of companionship and shared experiences (which may or may not have
been consistently pleasurable)
B. Loss of support, be it financial, intellectual, social, or emotional
C. Loss of hopes, plans, and dreams (which can be even more painful than practical
losses)

Allowing yourself to feel the pain of these losses may be scary. You may fear that your
emotions will be too intense to bear, or that you’ll be stuck in a dark place forever. Just
remember that grieving is essential to the healing process. The pain of grief is precisely
what helps you let go of the old relationship and move on. And no matter how strong
your grief, it won’t last forever.

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Answer the following questions:

1. List 3-5 things that are holding you back from releasing the pain.
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2. What are you gaining by holding on to those things that are hurting you?
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3. Think about how amazing and beautiful your life will be after you’ve released bad
people, vibes and emotions from your life and mind. What would that look like?
What would that do for your life and happiness?
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STEP 3
CHANGE YOUR HABITS
_____________________

Now you have to break those connections. Turn off the music that reminds you of your
ex, stop going to that store you guys went to all the time, stop hanging out with their
friends, stop going to the places you went together, etc. Make your home look and feel
different from when your ex was around. Move the furniture around and color the place
if you have to. Whatever it takes to take your mind off of your ex. DO IT!

You can even take up a new activity. And keep moving: exercise is the single most
effective therapy for depression. The point of these changes is to break up the old
associations and give yourself a new environment for your new life. The changes
you make don't have to be permanent. Even if it is just deleting your ex's number
from your phone, blocking them on Facebook, Instagram, and all social media
platforms. Change something. DO IT NOW!

Worksheet

Here is the first self coaching worksheet: It’s called The Daily Habits Worksheet, and it’s
a powerful, easy, concrete tool (don’t be fooled by the simplicity!).

Next page >>

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Jump right in and self-coach: What’s a habit that you’re trying to build? One little habit?
Meditate for 5 minutes a day? Go on a short walk? Make an incremental change in a
work thing?

List one little habit you’re interested in adopting. Then post the worksheet in a
conspicuous place so that you start checking off that you’ve done your habit for the day.
Ideally enlist a friend, co-worker, or partner to do this with you (here’s the secret: 90% of
getting stuff done is being accountable).

My trick to building a habit is based in the 555 formula: 5 minutes a day, 5 days a
week, for 5 weeks. For myself this meant building a daily 30-45 minute meditation habit
… I started with 5 minutes. Once you build in the habit, like brushing your teeth, it
becomes part of your life.

The idea is “just a little bit” – meaning what small incremental habits can you adopt?
What would it be like to “taste” these introductory worksheets and their intent? Not try to
go on some massive “Change Your Life In 30-Days” coaching-diet-promise-infomercial-
sales-thing.

As a coach I commonly make requests of my clients. I have two for you:

1. What’s one nice thing you will do for yourself today? (call a loved one, go for a short
walk outside).

2. What’s one nice thing you will do for someone else today? (tell someone what
you appreciate about them).

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STEP 4
CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS
______________________

The next step is to do the same thing on the inside - transform your habits of thought. In
a relationship, we build up a huge array of such habits. When the love relationship ends,
these patterns can still be running. To change your thinking habits, you need to
understand a little more about them.

Have you ever witnessed the same event as someone else, and later found out their
account of it was completely different from yours? Each of you saw the event through a
'frame', made up of your own personal beliefs, feelings and internal habits. If you are
finding it devastatingly difficult to handle the end of your relationship, you may need to
change this 'frame'. You will need to re-frame your heartbreak. Stop seeing it as the end
of your happiness. Instead, turn it into a challenge; view it as an opportunity. Being
heartbroken can make you feel worthless and hopeless - but that is because the frame
you are using is too narrow. Learning to see your situation with a different frame
is a wonderful liberation.

VIEW YOUR RELATIONSHIP FROM THE OUTSIDE

The following exercise will help you look at your circumstances from different points of
view, so you gain helpful insights.

1. Think about the break-up of your relationship. What are the judgments or
generalizations you have made about yourself and your ex?

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2. Now think of someone you admire - a character from history or a real friend. Imagine
they are watching a movie of this part of your life, and step into their shoes to watch it
instead. Imagine what their comments would be.

3. Now imagine that a neutral observer is watching the movie of your life. Step into their
shoes and watch it from there.

4. Notice the differences that you see from each point of view. Which ones are helpful?
Which ones make you feel better? Use these perspectives to view your relationship in a
new light.

People who get over difficulties well rarely see what has happened to them as a
disaster. They frame it as a challenge. It is a matter of a point of view. It is not what
happens to us, but how we interpret it that determines the outcome for us.

I know you may still love them, but you need to avoid harboring hope that you and your
ex will get back together sometime in the future. This is the crucial time when you
must demonstrate strength and reluctance in letting those thoughts get into your
head. The longer you hope that you will get back together, the slower and the
harder recovering from the break-up will be. Being strong now will certainly pay off
in the future. You will also need to stop reminiscing on the wonderful times that you and
your ex had while you were together. Such wonderful memories are great to have, and
you should be thankful that you had those intense experiences and feelings. However,
at this time, right after breaking up, these thoughts do nothing good to you and only
aggravate your pain and prolong your recovery by making you feel that you sustained a
major loss, and that your life is never going to be the same.

You are beautiful, amazing and wonderful. Stop thinking that your ex was one of a kind.
No matter how special he/she was, your own future dating life will show that your next
love will be very special in his/her own, unique way – this is just the reality of how love
works. Your next lover will be different from the one you lost, but he will be special to
you in his own way. Understand that!

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5 Cognitive Behavioral Activities

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Mindfulness Meditation

As readers of this workbook will likely know by now, mindfulness can have a wide range
of positive impacts, including helping with depression, anxiety, addiction, and many
other mental illnesses or difficulties.

Mindfulness can help those suffering from harmful automatic thoughts to disengage
from rumination and obsession over these thoughts by helping them stay firmly
grounded in the present.

Successive Approximation

This is a somewhat fancy name for a simple idea that you have likely already heard of:
breaking up large tasks into small steps to make it easier to accomplish.

It can be overwhelming to be faced with a huge goal we would like to accomplish, like
opening a business or remodeling a house. This is true in mental health treatment as
well, since the goal to overcome depression or anxiety and achieve mental wellness can
seem like a monumental task to those who are suffering from severe symptoms.

By breaking the large goal into small, easy to accomplish steps, we can map out the
path to success and make the journey seem a little less overwhelming.

Writing Self-Statements to Counteract Negative Thoughts

This technique can be difficult for someone just beginning their CBT treatment or
suffering from severe symptoms, but it can also be extremely effective.

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When you are being plagued by negative thoughts, it can be hard to confront them,
especially if your belief in these thoughts is strong. To counteract these negative
thoughts, it can be helpful to write down a positive, opposite thought.

For example, if the thought that you are worthless keeps popping into your head, try
writing down a statement like “I am a person with worth” or “I am a person with
potential.” In the beginning, it can be difficult to accept these replacement thoughts, but
the more you bring out these positive thoughts to counteract the negative ones, the
stronger the association will be.

Visualize the Best Parts of Your Day

When you are feeling depressed or negative, it is difficult to recognize that there is good
in your life as well. This simple technique of bringing to mind the good parts of your day
can be a small step in the direction of recognizing the positive.

All you need to do is write down the things in your life that you are most thankful for or
the things that are most positive in your day. The simple act of writing down these good
things can forge new associations in your mind which make it easier to see the positive,
even when there is plenty of negative as well.

Reframe Your Negative Thoughts

It can be all too easy to succumb to negative thoughts as a default setting. If you find
yourself immediately thinking a negative thought when you see something new, such as
entering an unfamiliar room and thinking “I hate the color of that wall,” give reframing a
try. Change the way you view things.

Reframing involves countering the negative thought(s) by noticing things you feel
positive about as quickly as possible. For instance, in the example where you
immediately think of how much you hate the color of that wall, you would push yourself
to notice five things in the room that you feel positively about (e.g., the carpet looks
comfortable, the lampshade is pretty, the windows let in a lot of sunshine).

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You can set your phone to remind you throughout the day to stop what you are doing
and think of the positive things around you or even pray. This can help you to push your
thoughts back into the realm of the positive instead of the negative.

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Negative Thought Stopping 
Worksheet 

Summary 
Through identification of negative self talk, a mind clouded with 
negativity can be trained to view life more objectively, and 
positively. Use the Negative Self Talk Worksheet to record each 
negative thought you have about yourself for an entire day, 
along with how each thought made you feel. Include the trigger - 
where you were, or what you were doing when you had the 
negative thought.  

Immediately challenge each thought by identifying why that 
thought might not be true. Armed with this evidence, record an 
alternative thought, say it aloud, and write down how it made 
you feel.  

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Associated 
Associated  Evidence  Emotion 
Trigger  Negative  Emotion  That Does  Alternative  When 
Thought  When  Not  Thought  Saying 
Saying  Support  Thought 
Thought  The  Aloud 
Aloud  Thought 

Whenever you feel yourself sinking into a negative self talk mode, identify each 
negative thought and replace it with a positive one right away. Continue to repeat 
the new thought to yourself or aloud until you begin to feel better. 

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STEP 5
CHANGE THE WAY YOU SEE
YOURSELF
_____________________

The next step is to focus on your mental picture of your lost love. By changing how you
represent your ex in your mind, you can greatly reduce or even eliminate your distress.

You must learn to control your 'visualization'. Every single one of us makes pictures in
our imagination - and we can all learn how to change the pictures. It is important to
learn how to do this, because our bodies react to what we imagine in the same way that
they react to what is actually happening to us. Memory and imagination affect our
feelings in the same way as reality does. We are constantly altering our state by the
pictures we make in our imagination and the way we talk to ourselves. So it is vital to
control those pictures and not let them run away with our feelings.

Realize and truly believe that whatever happens, happens for a reason and for your
own best. This includes break-ups. Think about it – every time you have to throw away
a great pair of old, worn-out shoes that felt more comfortable than any other shoes you
have ever had, your next pair of shoes is often even more comfortable. Most people
who lose a job eventually find a better one. This is a far reaching analogy, but the same
applies to relationships. If you were taken out of your recent relationship by some great
force, perhaps that force is trying to take you out of that relationship and put you back
into the market, so that you start looking for and eventually find a partner who is even
better for you and more compatible with you on all levels.

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Learn How To Increase Self Esteem

_____________________

Here are some ideas and techniques to increase self esteem

What is self esteem? Quite simply self-esteem is what you think, believe and feel about
yourself. While everyone has self-esteem not everyone has healthy self-esteem.

Healthy self-esteem means that you continually make choices in your thoughts and
actions that are aligned with and support your values, peace of mind and your dreams.
Increasing your self-esteem is a process, not something you develop overnight. You
can think of it like a muscle that requires regular exercise to be strengthened and
maintained.

To Learn How To Increase Self Esteem You Must:

❖ Understand how your brain works and its impact on your thoughts,
feelings and behaviors.

❖ Recognize that you are the author of your life and that your mindset
directly influences your destiny.

❖ Accept radical responsibility for your mindset making choices that are
consciously generated from your values, dreams and goals.

❖ Develop the skills necessary to upgrade the software of your mind to

shift your thinking to promote healthy self esteem.

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The Brain and how to Increase Self Esteem

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How does your human brain work? Your brain is composed of approximately one
hundred billion nerve cells, called neurons. Neurons have the capacity to gather and
transmit electrochemical signals creating neuro-pathways. When you initially learn
something the pathway or connection is weak. The more frequently you think a specific
thought and practice a particular behavior the stronger the brain pathway becomes,
forming an automatic habit of thinking and action.

Think about when you first learned to ride a bicycle. You had to consciously pay
attention to staying balanced, keeping your eyes on the road, holding onto the
handlebars and steering in your desired direction. Then the more you practiced the
stronger your bicycle riding pathways became.

Eventually you were able to get on your bike and ride without thinking. You were
operating on automatic. A strong bicycle-riding brain neuro- pathway had been created
as though new software had been uploaded and was seamlessly operating in your
mind.

Your brain works the same way in forming how you think about yourself - your self-
esteem. As a child your thoughts about yourself are formed from the messages you
heard, believed and internalized from the important and influential people in your life.

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For example, if you were continually made fun of by classmates and not invited to play
with them when you were a child, you have probably developed a low self esteem
thought pattern regarding friends and social situations. As a result, as an adult,
obsessive thinking reflecting these thought patterns, may automatically surface in social
gatherings where you experience anxiety, fear and nervousness based on thoughts like:

❖ People don’t like me.

❖ I was only invited to this party because they had to.
❖ Nobody’s going to talk to me.
❖ I don’t know what to say.

These beliefs form your dominant thought pattern. They are a habit of thinking,
operating on automatic that trigger, consciously or unconsciously your feelings and
reactions to the circumstances of your life.

Research has shown that dominant thoughts can be changed. If you want to increase
your self esteem. You can change your thoughts, feelings and behaviors with consistent
regular practice. It is the same as learning a new skill. Learning takes time, practice and
patience. It is generally agreed that it takes 30 to 40 days of consistent regular practice
to “install” a new habit and create a new brain pathway. The challenge you face in
creating new brain pathways is that humans are used to operating on automatic and are
generally asleep to the thoughts they are thinking. So, how do you wake up and
become aware of the thoughts that form what you think and how you feel about yourself
given that you think thousands of thoughts each and every day?

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How to Increase Self Esteem

_____________________

You start by noticing your feelings since your feelings are generated by your thoughts.
You then ask yourself, “When I am feeling (name your feeling), what thoughts am I
thinking (name your thoughts)?” With this conscious awareness of your thoughts you
then ask yourself:

❖ Do these thoughts increase self esteem?

❖ Am I empowered or disempowered by these thoughts?
If you are disempowered by your thoughts you can now choose new thoughts, creating
new brain pathways that are aligned with your values and dreams and support your
healthy self-esteem. Some healthy self-esteem generating thoughts are:

❖ I choose the thoughts that I think.

❖ I have access to the support and resources to live a satisfying and fulfilling life.
❖ I am the author of my experience through the thoughts that I think.
❖ I am confident.
❖ I embody healthy self-esteem.

Remember: The very act of noticing your thoughts and taking action to change them is
empowering. This sends a strong message to the brain that says “I am a person who is
in control of my thoughts. I consciously choose the thoughts I think and how I react to
life’s circumstances."

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Follow these steps to cultivate healthy self-esteem brain pathways:

1. When you notice you are having an empowered thought, stop for a moment and
congratulate yourself. This acknowledgment reinforces your healthy self-esteem
brain pathway.

2. When you notice you are having a disempowered thought, stop and
acknowledge yourself for noticing. Take a deep breath and say, “I am
responsible for my life and right now, I choose to love and accept myself.” Then
empower yourself with actions that generate good feelings (exercise, talking with
a friend, acknowledging your accomplishments, helping someone, singing,
dancing, etc…). This strengthens your healthy self-esteem neuro-pathways.

You’re now on your way to cultivating healthy self-esteem.

6 Tips for Overcoming Low Self-Esteem and Low Self-Worth

_____________________
Apart from these worksheets and activities, there are tons of tips out there on building
self-esteem and self-worth.

1. Take a self-esteem inventory to give yourself a baseline. It can be as simple as

writing down 10 of your strengths and 10 of your weaknesses. This will help you to
begin developing an honest and realistic conception of your self.

2. Set realistic expectations. It’s important to set small, reachable goals that are within
your power. For example, setting an extremely high expectation or an expectation
that someone else will change their behavior is virtually guaranteed to make you
feel like a failure, through no fault of your own.

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3. Stop being a perfectionist and acknowledge both your accomplishments and

mistakes. Nobody is perfect, and trying to be will only lead to disappointment.
Acknowledging your accomplishments and recognizing your mistakes is the way to
keep a positive outlook while learning and growing from your mistakes.

4. Explore yourself. The importance of knowing yourself and being at peace with who
you are cannot be overstated. This can take some trial and error, and you will
constantly learn new things about yourself, but it is a journey that should be
undertaken with purpose and zeal.

5. Be willing to adjust your self-image. We all change as we age and grow, and we must
keep up with our ever-changing selves if we want to set and achieve meaningful
goals.

6. Stop comparing yourself to others. Comparing ourselves to others is a trap that is

extremely easy to fall into, especially today with social media and the ability to project
a polished, perfected appearance. The only person you should compare yourself to is
you.

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STEP 6
CHANGE THE WAY YOU SEE
YOUR PAST
_____________________

1. Answer the following question. Which side of your front door is the lock on? To
answer, you have had to make a mental picture of the door. You have made a
visualization.

2. Now try to imagine what your front door would look like if it was bright orange or
had yellow stripes down it. Make it bigger. Move it away so that it is smaller.
Move it further away and down a bit so you are looking down on it. Make it open.
Change it in different ways.

3. Think about your ex now. As soon as you remember what someone looks like,
you are using visualization. What is the expression on his or her face? Observe
what your ex is wearing and what he or she is doing. Where do you see the
picture of them? In front of you, or to the left or the right? Is it lifesize or smaller?
Is it a movie or a still image? Is it solid or transparent? Now, as you keep that
image in your mind's eye, notice the feelings that arise. Make a note of those
feelings.

4. Now you could remember or imagine them differently. You can imagine you are a
great film director. You can reshoot the scenes of your memory and imagination
in any way you want. You can change the action, soundtrack, lighting, camera
angles, framing, focus and speed. Change how you are visualising your ex and
notice how it affects your feelings.

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5. Bring to mind the picture you had of your ex.

6. Notice where it appears and how big it is.

7. Now drain the color out until it looks like an old black and white picture.

8. Move the image further away until it is one-tenth of its original size.

9. Shrink it even further, right down to a little black dot.

10. Notice how your feelings have changed and compare how you feel now to the
note you made earlier.

You will notice that some changes have a bigger effect than others. Images that are
closer, bigger, brighter and more colourful have greater emotional intensity than those
that are duller, smaller and further away.

Standing outside your memories and watching as if they were a movie helps you
distance yourself from them.

Perceive your recent break-up as a great opportunity to learn how to deal with such
experiences and become a stronger and a more mature individual. Like any other
challenging experience that pushes your emotional levels (such as employment
termination, loss of a loved one to a terminal illness, etc…) breaking up and losing love
today will “condition” you and will make your recovery from similar experiences in the
future easier.

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LETTING GO OF PAST GRIEVANCES

_____________________

Step 1: Begin with an intention to forgive just like we spoke about in Step 1 at the
beginning of the workbook.

Write down the name of the person whom you intend to forgive.

Name: ________________________________________

Step 2: Acknowledge the pain caused by the grievance.

(The goal is not to forgive and forget, but rather “remember fully and forgive”.)

Describe the grievance. What were the circumstances? (Be as specific as possible.)

______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________

How did you feel at the time? Where in your body did you feel it?

______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________

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What have you done to take care of yourself?

______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________

If you are forgiving someone else, list the ways you have attempted to empower
yourself. If you are forgiving yourself, list the ways you have attempted to make
amends.

______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________

How do you feel emotionally, physically, and spiritually when you think about the
grievance today?
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________

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Step 3: Evaluate the gains and losses that comes with forgiveness.
_____________________

If I forgive, what would I gain?

______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________

If I forgive, what would I give up?

______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________

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Step 4: Assess your attitudes and beliefs around forgiveness

_____________________

(You may not be responsible for what happened but you are responsible for your
long term attitude.)

Underline any statements that have the most significance for you:

If I forgive, it doesn’t mean I am…

condoning or absolving the hurtful behavior. forgetting.

being a victim or losing power.
surrendering my right to justice. required to reconcile with the offender.
getting the other person to do something different. refusing to make amends.

If I forgive, it means I am…

recognizing I have a choice about my perceptions and my thoughts. choosing peace of

mind.
freeing myself from the past and choosing to live in the present moment.
choosing empowerment over victim-hood. choosing to connect to my spiritual loving
self.

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STEP 5: Practice Letting Go Exercises

_____________________
1. Practice empathy: Forgiveness is the recognition that people who

harm others are expressing their own unresolved pain.

2. Meditation/prayer: Asking God or a Higher Power for help can be a

shortcut in the forgiveness process.

3. Visualization: Visualize the person you have decided to forgive.

Imagine that an energy cord connects you. Affirm, “I am calling my

energy back.” Then unplug the cord.

4. Journal Writing: Express your feelings to the person you are

forgiving (or asking to forgive) by writing a letter (that you may or may

not send).

5. Affirmation: Write a daily affirmation that states your decision to

forgive.

6. Monitor your Thoughts: Listen to your inner self talk to ensure that it

reflectsthe true meaning of forgiveness. Ask yourself, “would I rather

be right or would rather be happy?”

7. Practice Patience: Remember that forgiveness is an ongoing

process; it’s rarely completed on the first attempt.

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STEP 7
FALL OUT OF LOVE FOR GOOD
_____________________

Now you are ready to tackle the central problem using the visualization technique. Part
of being heartbroken is the fact that you still feel in love. It hurts because part of you is
still attached to your ex. This exercise helps that piece of you release itself.

1. List five occasions when you felt very in love with your ex. List them so you can easily
call them to mind.

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

2. Start with the first of those memories. Play with it. Move the image away from you so
that you can see yourself in the picture. Make it small.

3. Drain out the colour so it is black and white, then make it transparent. When you look
at your memory like this, it will seem as if the event is happening to someone else, and
the emotional intensity will be reduced still further. You are starting to re-code your
memory.

4. When you have finished re-coding the first memory, do the same for the next one.
Work through them until you have done all five.

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5. Remember in detail five negative experiences with your ex partner, where you felt
very definitely put off by him or her. List the five experiences.

6. Take the least appealing memory and fully return to that moment. Try to relive it.

7. Now turn up the colour and the clarity. Make the memory as bright and clear as you
can, and experience the feelings more and more strongly.

8. Go through each of the other four negative memories of your ex-partner, and relive
them. Carry on until even thinking about them puts you off.

When you think about the bad experiences again and again, the negative memories
begin to join up so that there is no space between them for the feelings of love, yearning
and regret. Concentrate on the exercise and do it methodically. Some people have
found that doing this just once makes them feel different. To make sure the effect sticks,
do it every day for two weeks.

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9 Ways To Fall Out Of Love For Good

_____________________
1. Write down why it didn’t work and the ways you weren’t happy and keep that
list with you. Read it when you inevitably start thinking of all the reasons why you miss
them, and why they were so perfect for you. We all romanticize the love we once had,
but if and when we get it back, we realize that it’s just the same as it was. When it
comes to the past, nothing changes but how we view it. Be conscious of that.

2. Realize that relationships aren’t supposed to make you feel good as much as
they are supposed to teach you something, and to help you grow. Allow someone
to be part of your story and not the tragic, final scene. Take from it what you need to
learn. If it showed you all the unloving parts of yourself, work on those, that’s what it
was supposed to do. We have a tendency to exacerbate relationships by the way in
which we categorize them as good, bad or ugly, and yet, for some reason, no matter
which way we go, we always want to hold on for just a little bit longer.

3. Cut off all contact. ALL CONTACT! You can’t pick and choose right now, and it’s
great if you can get into a friendship one day, but until your feelings have faded, you
need to distance yourself. This is absolutely essential. Stop checking their social media,
don’t ask friends about how they’re doing. You don’t have to be a jerk about it, and
you can politely let them know that it’s best for you to take some time away from them
(although it usually doesn’t go that smoothly) it’s important that it’s said and
followed through with regardless.

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List all social media pages you both are friends on?

1.

2.

3.

THEN BLOCK HIM/HER ON ALL PAGES! TODAY.. YES, RIGHT NOW!

4. Let yourself be sad. Resisting it makes it worse than it is. Give yourself time to
mourn and grieve the loss of someone who was a big part of your life. Then let them go,
and love yourself enough to let yourself go too. As in, let yourself walk away from them
in the metaphorical sense. Nobody else will give you permission.

5. Don’t get frustrated when your thoughts inevitably keep drifting back to that
person. Just let them recess and pass. This is really how you should deal with all of
your negative thoughts, but doing so becomes increasingly difficult when the subject
matter is something you want to cling onto like an addict. You have to embrace the fact
that letting those thoughts wash over you and fade is the best thing you can do for
yourself and for your post-relationship relationship.

6. Don’t expect to get over them if you’re sitting in your bed all day thinking about
them. Get out and do what you love, go visit friends you’ve lost touch with. Fall in love
with other things and people and yourself. There are more loves in your life other than
just romantic, and when you learn to enchant yourself with them, you find yourself
needing a significant other less and less.

7. Embrace that you may never get over them, but let them be a part of your story
anyway. Not every love has to result in a vow to spend forever together, and it doesn’t
mean that what you had wasn’t real or worthwhile or beautiful. Part of the story can be
that you simply always loved them, even long after you were over, and you know what?

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If you ask me, no matter how it turns out in the long-run, that is the most beautiful thing
you can experience: loving someone despite everything. The only catch is, you have to
be able to do it in an accepting way, or you’ll bury yourself in your heartache for the rest
of your life.

8. Start to detach yourself. Something we all have to come to terms with is the fact
that we attach ourselves to other people in light of what we think they can provide for
us– whether it’s subconscious or not, we go into near panic mode when they leave us
because we don’t know how we’ll get by. But we will, because we always do.

9. Learn to take your feelings and channel them into fuel to propel you toward
something greater. If anything, motivate yourself to succeed in spite of them. It’s not
the most positive way of going about things (and I do believe you should really do things
for yourself) but for now, while you’re struggling, it’s not the worst way to cope. Let them
do what they came into your life to do: make you better, however doing so played out.

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STEP 8
UNDERSTAND YOUR EMOTIONS
_____________________
The next stage is to learn to understand your emotional reactions better. Your feelings
of heartbreak are unlikely to disappear unless you cope with what they are trying to tell
you.

An emotion is a bit like someone knocking on your door to deliver a message. If you
don't answer, it keeps knocking until you do open up. Opening the door to your feelings
means learning to understand them. This can be hard, because heartbreak is
complicated by other feelings: anger, fear and shame.

Coping with a breakup or divorce:

● Recognize that it’s OK to have different feelings. It’s normal to feel sad,
angry, exhausted, frustrated, and confused—and these feelings can be intense.
You may also feel anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will
lessen over time. Even if the relationship was unhealthy, venturing into the
unknown is frightening.

● Give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a less
than optimal level for a period of time. I call this your grce period. You may not be
able to be quite as productive on the job or care for others in exactly the way
you’re accustomed to for a little while. No one is superman or superwoman; take
time to heal, regroup, and re-energize.

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● Don’t go through this alone. Sharing your feelings with friends and family (who
are positive and who cares) can help you get through this tough time. Consider
joining a support group where you can talk to others in similar situations. Isolating
yourself can raise your stress levels, reduce your concentration, and get in the
way of your work, other relationships, and overall health. Don’t be afraid to get
outside help if you need it. I heard a coach by the name of Keishorne Scott is
pretty good. #ShamelessPlug J

Tips for grieving after a breakup or divorce:

Don’t fight your feelings – It’s normal to have lots of ups and downs, and feel many
conflicting emotions, including anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion.
It’s important to identify and acknowledge these feelings. While these emotions will
often be painful, trying to suppress or ignore them will only prolong the grieving process.

Talk about how you’re feeling – Even if it is difficult for you to talk about your feelings
with other people, it is very important to find a way to do so when you are grieving.
Knowing that others are aware of your feelings will make you feel less alone with your
pain and will help you heal. Writing in a journal can also be a helpful outlet for your
feelings.

Remember that moving on is the end goal – Expressing your feelings will liberate
you in a way, but it is important not to dwell on the negative feelings or to over-analyze
the situation. Getting stuck in hurtful feelings like blame, anger, and resentment will rob
you of valuable energy and prevent you from healing and moving forward.

Remind yourself that you still have a future – When you commit to another person,
you create many hopes and dreams for a life together. After a breakup, it's hard to let
these aspirations go. As you grieve the loss of the future you once envisioned, be
encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace your old
ones.

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Know the difference between a normal reaction to a breakup and depression –

Grief can be paralyzing after a breakup, but after a while, the sadness begins to lift. Day
by day, and little by little, you start moving on. However, if you don’t feel any forward
momentum, you may be suffering from depression.

You’ll need to be honest with yourself during this part of the healing process. Try not to
dwell on who is to blame or beat yourself up over your mistakes. As you look back on
the relationship, you have an opportunity to learn more about yourself, how you relate to
others, and the problems you need to work on. If you are able to objectively examine
your own choices and behavior, including the reasons why you chose your former
partner, you’ll be able to see where you went wrong and make better choices next time.

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STEP 9
BELIEVE THAT YOU WILL
LOVE AGAIN
_____________________

You could fall into the trap of remaining convinced that your ex is the only person you
could ever love. This can't be true on a planet with six billion people. So why do you
believe it? Can it be because you are desperately trying to avoid the fact that the
relationship is over? Or are you afraid that the bad feelings associated with heartbreak
will never go away? That fear makes you anxious, and keeps you feeling bad for a long
time. The burden of your heartbreak has grown heavier, and a vicious circle has
been established.

If you believe that you made certain mistakes in your recent relationship, whether they
were the ones that caused the break-up or not, make sure you learn from those
mistakes and move forward as a person who possesses a better understanding of
himself/herself and his/her interactions with romantic partners, and make sure that you
don’t make the same mistakes in the future.

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Written by Lauren Jarvis-Gibson

I know you don’t think you will. You think you will never in a million years find someone
like that again. You think your life is destroyed without him or her. And it’s hard to live
like this. To live like you have nothing left to look forward to. I know the feeling. It’s the
kind of feeling that feels like a stab wound or a shot to your heart. I know you think it will
never end. Like it will be permanently etched into your heart, like a carving on a tree. I
know you think you will never get over this. I know what you’re thinking or maybe even
saying aloud. No, Lauren you just don’t get it. He was the love of my life. She was my
person! He was the only one who understood all of me. She was the only person I could
imagine marrying. He was better than anyone I will ever meet again. I will never get
over her. But, I KNOW. Because I’ve felt that exact way before. I thought heartbreak
would kill me. Truly, It was hard to walk, to eat, to breathe, to even try to get through
one damn day. But just as I did, you will get over this person. Millions of people have
been heartbroken before. But it didn’t kill them and it won’t kill you. You are resilient
whether you know it or not. You are strong and you are brave, whether you know it or
not. And you will get through this. Slowly. But yes, surely.

It’s okay if you don’t believe me. It’s okay if you scoff at this, sighing, feeling so alone in
the way you are feeling. But you are not the only person who has felt this way. And you
are not the only person who has experienced tragedy. One day you will. One day you
will believe me and you will believe in yourself. And you’ll look back on this day and
smile knowing that you got through this. That you got through this thing that seemed so
unimaginable. That you got through this gut wrenching loss. You got through it.

And one day, you will realize that there was a reason for the ending. There was a
reason for the heartbreak. And you’ll see yourself as someone who has been renewed.
And you’ll see yourself happy again. Without him. Without her. And you’ll smile on your
own finally.

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STEP 10
LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER YOUR
BREAKUP
_____________________

A good way of giving yourself a boost - and coping with complicated feelings - is to
imagine a bright future.

1. Imagine the future as a corridor in front of you. Imagine walking down it, away from
the present, towards a door.

2. Open the door, and see beyond it a world in which you have recovered from your
heartbreaking relationship.

3. See what you look like, what you are wearing, where you are going, whom you are
seeing.

4. Now step into this new world and into the new happy you. Imagine the whole
experience from the inside, seeing what you would see, hearing what you would hear,
and feeling how good and happy things are now.

It is not a matter of believing the image is real: just imagine it as vividly as possible. In
heartbreak, there is often a backlog of emotional learning to get through. Do one bit at a
time. Your unconscious mind will protect you, and give you a rest so that you can deal
with the next bit. You will learn to step out of the memories, leave them behind, and
start a new life.

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Lastly, continue living! Pursue your professional and social goals and don’t leave much
space for boredom in your life. This is not the right time to “relax.” You will have plenty
of time to relax once you are over your ex and perhaps once you met someone new.

Breaking up is a hard and demoralizing experience that can take a lot of life motivation
out of a person. However, it can be at least in some ways a positive experience if you
allow it to be. It can make you grow and become a stronger and a more attractive
person. Make sure you take advantage of those valuable life lessons!

Further, it is important that you remember that the pain of breaking up is an emotion,
and as such, it will not go away overnight. It will take time for your feelings to go away.
But with conscious effort of keeping in mind the above points, you can make the
process of overcoming and recovering from the break-up much faster and easier.

I LOVE YOU! A LOT!

WRITE SOMETHING POWERFUL TO YOURSELF:

______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________

I LOVE YOU!
STAY STRONG!
For private coaching sessions
Email: [email protected]

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