Screenplay by Betty Comden and Adolph Green

Musical Arrangements and Text Copyright 1986, 2003 Singin' In The Rain Co. Limited Partnership
 I-3
DORA
(Laughing)
Oh, thank you, Roscoe. And this is Cosmo Brown, the man who plays
the piano on the set to get Don and Lina into those romantic
moods. Would you like to say a word?

COSMO
Well, Dora, tell them I agree with whatever R.F. and Roscoe said.
And further more...
(Just then, there is an emormous roar from the
CROWD as a white limo drives on upstage of the
palm trees. The CHINESE DOORMAN opens the door as
LINA LAMONT and DON LOCKWOOD emerge from the car.
DON LOCKWOOD is wearing an elegant white cashmere
coat and LINA is dressed dazzingly. The CROWD
pushes forward to be near THEM.)

DORA
(Pushing COSMO away from the mike)
Ladies and gentlemen, you should see this gorgeous couple. It’s no
wonder they are a household name all over the world. Like bacon
and eggs.
(A PHOTOGRAPHER snaps a shot)
--Lockwood and Lamont.
(DON blows a “kiss” to the CROWD. A FAN faints.
DON and LINA cross to the microphone.)
Don, you can tell me confidentally. Are these rumors true that
wedding bells are soon to ring for you and Lina?

DON
(With charming indifference)
Well, Dora, Lina and I have no statements to make at this time.
We’re just good friends.

DORA
“Just good friends”! Do I hear the -- the wedding march?

DON
Cosmo, can you play the wedding march?

DORA
You’ve come a long way together, Don. Won’t you tell us how it all
happened?

DON
No, no, Dora. Not in front of all these people.
(The CROWD pushes to center)
 I-9
DON
My fianc... Lina, you’ve been reading the fan magazines again. You
shouldn’t believe all that banana oil Dora Bailey and the colum-
nists dish out. There’s nothing between us. There has never been
anything between us -- just air.
LINA
(Who has been billing, cooing, and giggling)
Oh, you don’t mean that. Come on darling or we’ll be late for Mr.
Simpson’s party.
ROD
(ROD, who has been holding LINA’s fur wrap helps
LINA put it on.)
Miss Lamont, we’re going in separate cars -- uh, to break up the
mobs.
LINA
(Buying it)
Oh
(Adjusting her wrap)
Ta, ta, Donny. See you there!
(ROD and LINA exit right)
COSMO
(Imitating LINA’s voice)
Ta, ta, Lina. See you there.
SIMPSON
(Exiting)
Hurry up, Don. I’ve got a lot of press waiting.
(SIMPSON exits right)
DON
(Crossing left to R.C.)
This cooked up romance, Cosmo. Just for publicity!
COSMO
(Crossing to him)
Price of fame, Don. You’ve got the glory. You’ve got to take the
little heartaches that go with it. Now look at me. I’ve got no
fame, I’ve got no glory, but I’ve got -- hey, what have I got?
DON
I don’t know, what have you got?
COSMO
I got to get out of here.
DON
(Warmly)
Cos, you could have all those things. You’ve got all kinds of tal-
ent. All you need is a little drive!
 I-30
DEXTER
(Less than enthused)
Hello...
(To no one in particular)
Hey, let’s get those lights set, fellows! Hey! What are we waiting
for? Hey! Where’s Lina?
1ST ASSISTANT
(Yelling off left)
Miss Lina Lamont on the set, please!
2ND ASSISTANT
Miss Lina Lamont on the set, please!
3RD ASSISTANT
Miss Lina Lamont on the set, please!
(Beat)
Here comes Miss Lamont now!
2ND ASSISTANT
Here comes Miss Lamont now!
1ST ASSISTANT
(Yelling into Dexter’s ear)
Here comes...
DEXTER
I know! I know!
(LINA enters from up left. SHE looks breathtakingly
beautiful in her huge bouffant 18th Century skirt and
bare bodice and high towering powdered wig. SHE walks
carefully down to below the bench. SHE is flanked by a
HAIRDRESSSSER and WARDROBE WOMAN.)
DEXTER
Here comes our lovely leading lady LINA. HEY! Let’s go!
LINA
Gee, this wig weighs a ton! What dope would wear a thing like
this?
DEXTER
(Patiently)
Everybody used to wear them, Lina.
LINA
Then everybody was a dope.
(LINA’s head starts to tip over from the
weight of the wig.)
Hey!
(WARDROBE WOMAN catches LINA and straightens her up.)
 I-31
WARDROBE WOMAN
(Long-suffering)
Honey, you look beautiful.
DEXTER
(Reassuring)
Yes, you look great. Let’s get into the set. Hey! Where’s Don?
(LINA crosses right)
1ST ASSISTANT
Mr. Lockwood on the set, please!
2ND ASSISTANT
Mr. Lockwood on the set, please!
(DON enters right dressed in his 18th Century garb,
complete with wig.)
3RD ASSISTANT
Mr. Lockwood on the set, Please!
DON
Mr. Lockwood is on the set!
DEXTER
(Turns to find DON face to face with HIM)
I know! Oh hello, Don. I’m so glad you’re here!
(DEXTER crosses left to talk to his assistants)
LINA
I looked for you the other night at Wally Ray’s party. Where were
you?
DON
(D.C.)
Oh -- I’ve been busy --
DEXTER
(Shouting, upstage)
HEY! Give us those lights, Clyde!!!
(The lights come up on the set)
LINA
(Accusingly)
And I know what you’ve been busy at. Looking for that girl.
DON
As a matter of fact, yes.
LINA
(Pouting)
Why?
DON
I’ve been worried about her.
 I-44

DON
YOU WERE MEANT FOR ME
AND I WAS MEANT FOR YOU
NATURE PATTERNED YOU
AND WHEN SHE WAS DONE
YOU WERE ALL THE SWEET THINGS
ROLLED UP IN ONE

YOU’RE LIKE A PLAINTIVE MELODY

THAT NEVER LETS ME FREE
BUT I’M CONTENT
THE ANGELS MUST HAVE SENT YOU
AND THEY MEANT YOU JUST FOR ME

(THEY DANCE)

BUT I’M CONTENT

THE ANGELS MUST HAVE SENT YOU
AND THEY MEANT YOU JUST FOR ME.

(As SEQUE to playoff as lights slowly fade)

BUT I’M CONTENT

THE ANGELS MUST HAVE SENT YOU
AND THEY MEANT YOU JUST FOR ME

Scene 10

Vocal Coach’s offices. As LINA and MISS DINSMORE

come downstage, the set comes in behind them. LINA
and DINSMORE will work in one-quarter of the
stage, down left or right. The opposite three-
quarters will be the larger office of the mens’
vocal teacher.

At rise: The two WOMEN are going through LINA’s

diction lesson. MISS DINSMORE is teachng LINA the
sounds. SHE speaks in a well-rounded tone --
typical buxom, fruity-voiced diction teacher.
MISS DINSMORE is trying to be overly patient
with a rather dense LINA. BOTH are holding diction
books.
 I-45
DINSMORE
Now! Ta-tay-tee-toe-too.

LINA
(Impossibly nasal and flat, but totally unaware of
anything wrong)
Ta-tay-tee-toe-too.

DINSMORE
No, no, Miss Lamont. Rrround tones. Rrround tones. Now, let me
hear you rrread your line.

LINA
(Very flat on the “an” sounds)
“And I can’t stan’ ‘im.”

DINSMORE
“And I cahnn’t stand him.”

LINA
“And I can’t stan’ ‘im.”

DINSMORE
“Cahn’t!”

LINA
“Can’t.”

DINSMORE
“Caaahn’t!”
 I-46

LINA
(Like a goat bleating)
“Caaaan’t.”

(Lights fade stage left where the TWO LADIES are.

As THEY are exiting, the lights come up on stage
right in the male diction coach’s office.)

Scene 10-A

Male Diction Coach’s office. DON, dressed

casually, is being coached by a
professional-looking MALE DICTION TEACHER.
Don is obviously having very little trouble.

DON
Cahn’t - Cahn’t - Cahn’t.

TEACHER
Good. Now. Around the rocks the rugged rascal ran.

DON
Around the rocks the rugged --

TEACHER
(Interrupting)
Rrrrrrocks - Rrrrrrocks.

DON
Around the rocks the rugged rascal ran.
 I-49
DON & COSMO
AS MOSES SUPPOSES HIS TOESES TO BE

A ROSE IS A ROSE IS A ROSE IS A ROSES

A ROSE IS WHAT MOSES SUPPOSES HIS TOES IS
COULDN’T BE A LILY OF A DAFFI-DOWN DILLY,
IT’S GOTTA BE A ROSE ‘CAUSE IT RHYMES WITH MOSE
MOSES
MOSES
MOSES
(DANCE. THEY “play” with the TEACHER throughout
the dance. As the dance ends, THEY strike a pose.)
HEY!
(After the song, the STAGEHANDS, GRIPS and all
MOVIE PERSONNEL rush on as we will dissolve to the
actual sound filming of the talking version of
“The Dueling Cavalier.” CROSS FADE)

Scene 11

Monumental Pictures sound stage “Dueling Cavalier”

set (repeated, this time, with visible sound
equipment, cable, etc. denoting the difference
from the previous scene. There is a distinct area,
behind a partition, for the sound technicians.

Note: For “recording” sequences, it may be

preferable to pre-record the “recorded” dialogue
which can then be lip-synched by the actors. This
allows for greater changes in amplification than
would be possible by voice alone.

At rise: LINA is seated on the bench center stage.

DEXTER is standing next to her. CREW and STAFF
are all in their appropriate places after the
scenic transition. During the transition THEY
sing.

Reprise: “MOSES”

ALL
MOSES SUPPOSES HIS TOESES ARE ROSES
BUT MOSES SUPPOSES ERRONEOUSLY
DEXTER AND ALL HIS ASSISTANTS TOGETHER
CAN’T MAKE LINA SPEAK MORE EUPHON-I-OUS-LY.
 I-50

DEXTER
(Patiently)
All right, here we go. Quiet!

1ST ASSISTANT
Quiet!

2ND ASSISTANT
Quiet!

3RD ASSISTANT
Quiet!

DEXTER
Roll ‘em

(HE goes into sound booth)

LINA
(Barely audible)
“Oh, Pierre, you shouldn’t have come. You’re...”

SOUND ENGINEER
Roscoe, she’s got to talk into the mike. I can’t pick it up.

DEXTER
(Coming out of the booth)
Cut! Lina, darling, don’t you remember? I told you there’s a
microphone right there -- in the bush.
(HE points to the microphone sticking in the bush)

LINA
Yeah.
 I-52

Reprise: “MOSES”
ALL
LOOKS LIKE WE’RE GONNA
BE STUCK HERE FOREVER,
UNTIL LINA SPEAKS
MORE EUPHON-I-OUS-LY

(During the above THEY are wiring a microphone to

the corsage in the center of LINA’s bosom so it is
now on her instead of in the bush.)

LINA
What are you doing?

WARDROBE LADY
You’re being wired for sound, honey.

DEXTER
Okay, Lina, now look at that flower. See?
(HE points to the corsage)
The mike is in there. Now it should catch whatever you say. So
let’s hear how it sounds, okay?
(We see the wire goes down inside LINA’s dress and
out the bottom of her skirt onto the floor.)
LINA
Okay
DEXTER
Okay, Quiet!
1ST ASSISTANT
Quiet!
2ND & 3RD ASSISTANT
Quiet!
DEXTER
Lights! Roll ‘em!
(LINA starts her line and through the whole thing
we hear a loud, even thumping sound).
LINA
(Muffled by loud thumping.)
“Oh, Pierre, you shouldn’t have come. You’re flirting with danger.
You...”
DEXTER
What’s that noise?
 I-59

LINA
(To DEXTER, proudly)
Good and loud, huh!

SIMPSON
(Utterly dejected)
We’re ruined! We’re all ruined.

(COSMO sees KATHY down right, stading with the

PEOPLE leaving the theatre. HE rushes to keep HER
out of LINA’s sight, and takes KATHY off right.)

DEXTER
(In a low voice, to SIMPSON)
You can’t release this picture.

SIMPSON
We’ve got to. We’re booked to open in six weeks all over the coun-
try.
(Looking around for reassurance,
with a forced smile.)
But maybe we’ll get by. Lockwood and Lamont are such big stars.
(His smile fades as PEOPLE come pouring out of the
theatre and THEY overhear the comments)

WOMAN
(Leaving)
I never want to see that Lockwood and Lamont again.

ANOTHER WOMAN
That was just awful.

ANOTHER PERSON
This is the worst picture ever made!

LINA
(Brightly)
I liked it!

(THEY give her a look, and crestfallen,

THEY join the CROWD exiting. As the CROWD
disperses and the movie marquee flies out, Don’s
house comes into view. CROSS FADE)

Scene 13
DON’s house. It is a charming Spanish house,
tasteful and elegant. Yet comfortable.
 I-60
At rise: DON, COSMO and KATHY are all seated,
looking dejected. THEY are quiet for a moment.
DON
(Surveying his finery in a state of acute
depression.)
Well, take a last look at it. It will be up for auction in the
morning.
COSMO
You’re out of your mind. It’s Saturday. No bank is going to for-
close until Monday.
KATHY
(Unconvincingly)
Oh, Don, it wasn’t that bad!
DON
No. There’s no use kidding myself. Once they release “The Dueling
Cavalier,” Lockwood and Lamont are through.
KATHY
Well, things went wrong with the sound. If you’d just get the
technical end straightened out...
DON
No, it wasn’t that. Something happened to me tonight. I - I -
well, everything you said about me is true, Kathy. I’m no actor. I
never was. Just a log of dumb show, a shadow. I know that now.
COSMO
Well, at least you’re taking it lying down.
DON
No kidding, Cosmo. Did you ever see anything as idiotic as me on
that screen tonight?
COSMO
Yeah. How about Lina?
KATHY
Don, you’re not through.
COSMO
Why, of course not. Why, with your looks and figure, you could
drive an ice wagon or shine shoes.
KATHY
Block hats...
COSMO
Sell pencils...
KATHY
Dig ditches...
 I-65

KATHY
“Yes, yes, yes.”
COSMO
No, no -- Yes! Wait a minute. I’m about to be absolutely bril-
liant. Kathy come here... Sing.
KATHY
Huh?
COSMO
Sing!
GOOD MORNIN’
KATHY
GOOD MORNIN’
WE’VE TALKED THE WHOLE NIGHT THROUGH, etc.
COSMO
Now, Don, keep your eyes riveted on my face -- Watch my mouth.
(As KATHY sings, COSMO mouths in perfect
synchronization with her singing and it looks as
though the sound is coming from him)
COSMO
(To DON)
Well...convincing?
DON
Enchanting. Why?
COSMO
Don’t you get it? Use Kathy’s voice. Lina just moves her mouth,
and Kathy’s voice comes over singing and talking for her.

KATHY
That’s wonderful.
DON
No -- no. I couldn’t let you do it, Kathy.
KATHY
Why not?
DON
Because you wouldn’t be seen. You’d be throwing away your own
career.
KATHY
It has nothing to do with my career. It’s only for the one pic-
ture. The important thing now is to save “The Dueling Cavalier,”
save Lockwood and Lamont.
 I-66
COSMO
Yeah.
DON
Well, if it’s only for this one picture.Do you think it’ll get by?
KATHY
Of course it will.
COSMO
Sure. And it’s simple to work the numbers. All you gotta do is
dance around Lina, and teach her how to bow.
DON
All right. We’ll go to R.F. and spring it on him in the morning.
KATHY
(Kissing DON)
Don, you’re a genius.
COSMO
I’m glad you thought of it.
KATHY
Oh, Cosmo.
(SHE kisses him and HE falls over backwards. THEY
are all laughing. Sound of thunder is heard. As
COSMO rises, DON and KATHY kiss)
COSMO
Well, it’s three AM, in the morning. . .
(DON and KATHY keep kissing)
Almost my bedtime. . .
(No response)
I guess I’ll –
(Still no response. Sound of thunder is heard,
lightning flashes)
COSMO
Gee, strange weather we’re having. . .
(DON and KATHY end kiss. As COSMO is about to
address them, THEY start to kiss again. COSMO
starts to exit)
COSMO
Bye, Don. Bye Don. . . Bye, Kathy. . .
(To himself)
Bye, Cosmo.
(HE exits. DON and KATHY end kiss)
DON
Bye, Kathy.
 I-67
KATHY
Bye, Don.
BOTH
Bye – Cosmo?
(THEY look around for him, but he’s gone)
DON
I’ll take you home.
(Sound of thunder is heard, lightning flashes)

KATHY
Better take care of that throat. You’re a big singing star now –
remember? This California dew is a little heavier than usual
tonight.
DON
Really? From where I’m standing, the sun is shining all over the
place.
(More thunder is heard. THEY stand wrapped in
each other’s arms for a moment as the scene
changes behind THEM. Then THEY both rush off.
Don’s Apartment set rides offstage as the street
set appears behind it. Cross fade)

Scene 14

Street ouside of KATHY’s house.It is pouring rain.

There is a lamppost lit. It is still late at
night, so only a few people rush by in the rain.,
ONE with an umbrella, ANOTHER with a newspaper
over his head.

At Rise: If possible, DON’s white limo will be

driven out. If not, a headlight effect will
indicate the arrival of his car with appropriate
sound. THEY enter. HE has an umbrella to cover
both of them. HE escorts her up to her door and
kisses her. HE watches her go in. HE walks down
stage, reaches out and feels the rain. It’s like
heavenly dew. HE motions for his car to drive off.
HE is euphoric. HE starts strolling and singing.
 II-69
ACT TWO

Entr’acte

Optional Pantomime

A cut-down version of the set of “The Dueling

Cavalier” (from Act One, Scene Six). STAGEHANDS,
CREW and PLAYERS are in the process of filming.
LINA sits on bench center, DEXTER preparing to
direct her. There is a screen, diagonally behind
LINA. KATHY stands on the other side of screen,
before a standing mike. COSMO and SOUND ENGINEER
stand by wing.

As the music starts, curtain rises on the scene.

DEXTER signals to COSMO, SOUND ENGINEER runs off.
COSMO then signals back to both DEXTER and KATHY,
DEXTER cues CAMERAMAN and LINA, and THEY start to
film a take. LINA mimes talking. COSMO
“conducts” KATHY, who simultaneously mimes talking
as well. After a moment of filming, SOUND
ENGINEER runs on signaling “cut.” Everybody
stops, LINA has her face powdered. SOUND ENGINEER
moves KATHY’s microphone closer. HE then runs
off.

This all happens rapidly, to fast-tempo music.

COSMO signals back to both DEXTER and KATHY for

the second take. DEXTER cues CAMERAMAN and LINA.
THEY start to film again as before, with LINA and
KATHY miming synchronized dialogue. After a
moment of filming, SOUND ENGINEER runs on again
signaling “cut.” Everybody stops.

SOUND ENGINEER moves KATHY’s microphone farther

away –bumping into screen separating KATHY from
LINA. Screen falls over, knocking LINA off bench
and causing pandemonium. Blackout as music ends.
Lights up on Act Two.

Scene One

R. F. SIMPSON’S OFFICE. It is mainly an area DSR

with a large desk and appropriate accoutrements
for the Hollywood mogul.
 II-69a

At rise: SIMPSON is standing behind his desk.

COSMO and DEXTER are laying out the scheme.

SIMPSON
Why that’s wonderful! That’s wonderful!
(Rises)
Now look, we’ll keep the whole thing a secret until we’re ready to
release, just in case it doesn’t come off. But I’m a little wor-
ried about Lina. She doesn’t like Miss Selden. There might be
fireworks.

DEXTER
If she sees her, she’ll kill her.

COSMO
Now, now, I guarantee you Lina won’t even know she’s on the lot.

SIMPSON
I’m counting on you Cosmo. Now “The Dueling Cavalier” can be
saved!
(Crossing around the desk)
Let’s see, “The Dueling Cavalier” with music. The title -- the
title’s not right. We need a musical title. Well think, everybody,
think!

(THEY pace around each other)

COSMO
How about “The Dueling Mammy”?!

SIMPSON
No!

(THEY pace again)

DEXTER
How does this grab you? ... “The Dueling Sometimes Singing
Cavalier”!

SIMPSON
No!
 II-71
COSMO
Oh, R.F.?...
SIMPSON
Yes?
COSMO
Give me a raise.
DEXTER
(Laughing)
A raise? Why that’s the most ridiculous...
SIMPSON
-- You’ve got it! --
DEXTER
-- Very good, Cosmo.
(BLACKOUT
On the blackout, the desk unit rides off stage
right as we simultaneously move into:
Scene 2
Recording Stage. The main screen for playback is
center stage. There is a SOUND ENGINEER working in
a booth stage left. There is a standing microphone
just left of the screen.
Note: To reduce the technical requirements for
this scene,the “film” can be suggested by a strobe
light projected at the “4th Wall,” the entire
scene being played towards the audience. No image
is actually seen. LINA’s voice should be pre-
recorded and amplified for “playback”. KATHY’s
voice should be live.
At rise: In the darkness we see a projected film
image of LINA singing the last few lines of “Would
You” from “The Dancing Cavalier” ... It is not
pretty. As the lights come up we realize KATHY is
preparing to record her voice over LINA’s.KATHY is
standing at the mike studying LINA’s image. DON is
standing downstage left, watching.

DON
All right, Kathy. Just a test.
(HE nods to the SOUND ENGINEER)

SOUND ENGINEER
Ready
(The film appears again on screen, without audio)
 II-72
KATHY
(Singing to LINA’s lip movements)
AND WOULD YOU DARE TO SAY
LET’S DO THE SAME AS THEY
I WOULD, WOULD YOU.
DON
(To ENGINEER)
How’s it look?
ENGINEER
Great, that’ll be great...Okay, Kathy. You ready?
KATHY
Sure.
ENGINEER
I’ll cue up the orchestra playback and we’ll record the whole num-
ber.
(MUSIC In. It becomes obvious during the song that
KATHY is singing it to DON and that THEY are very
much in love.)

Number: “WOULD YOU”

HE HOLDS HER IN HIS ARMS
WOULD YOU, WOULD YOU
HE TELLS HER OF HER CHARMS
WOULD YOU, WOULD YOU

THEY MET AS YOU AND I

AND THEY WERE ONLY FRIENDS
BUT BEFORE THE STORY ENDS...

HE’LL KISS HER WITH A SIGH

WOULD YOU, WOULD YOU
AND IF THE GIRL WERE I
WOULD YOU, WOULD YOU

AND WOULD YOU DARE TO SAY

LET’S DO THE SAME AS THEY
I WOULD, WOULD YOU.

AND WOULD YOU DARE TO SAY

LET’S DO THE SAME AS THEY
I WOULD, WOULD YOU.

(DON and KATHY kiss. COSMO enters and

crosses to them)
 II-73
COSMO
That was great.
(No response, as DON and KATHY are still kissing)
Enough already!
(THEY stop kissing. COSMO starts to look towards
ENGINEER, but does a quick take to make sure DON
and KATHY are not kissing again. Then, to
ENGINEER)

COSMO
All set in there?

ENGINEER
Right.
(Lights darken and on the screen we see LINA and
DON in 18th century costume)

LINA
(on screen)
“Nothing can keep us apart. Our love will last ‘til the stars
turn cold.”

COSMO
All right, Kathy. Go ahead.
(The same scene comes on the screen silent. KATHY
says the line, matching LINA’s lip movements
exactly, speaking into the microphone)

KATHY
“Nothing can keep us apart. Our love will last ‘til the stars
turn cold.”

COSMO
Playback.
(The same scene comes on, with KATHY’s voice now
perfectly synchronized)

KATHY
(on screen)
“Nothing can keep us apart. Our love will last ‘til the stars
turn cold.”

COSMO
That’s great! Perfect! Cut!
(Work lights come on. COSMO hands microphone to
SOUND ENGINEER, who exits left. COSMO goes into
sound booth.)
 II-76

DON
Of course. What do you think?

LINA
(The realization sinking in)
They can’t do that!

DON
It’s already done.

LINA
But no one knows about it yet...

DON
They will. There’s a whole publicity campaign being planned.

LINA
(Outraged)
Publicity! They can’t make a fool out of Lina Lamont! They can’t
make a laughing stock out of Lina Lamont! What do they think I am?
Dumb or something? Why, I make more money than...than...Calvin
Coolidge...put together.

(SHE stamps out; there is a moment of uneasy

silence. DON and KATHY both look at COSMO)

COSMO
Now, don’t start worrying.

DON
(To KATHY)
No, don’t start worrying.

COSMO
(Slowly)
I think I’d better go see R.F. Before Lina gets there. . .
(HE starts off casually, but is running by the
time HE reaches the wings)

KATHY
She really can’t do anything, can she?

DON
Just relax. . . and come here.

(HE takes he in his arms. SHE is about to speak

again. HE puts his finger to her lips.)
 II-80
LINA (Continued)
WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?
WHY ALL THIS CONFUSION
I’M QUITE A GIRL
A REAL CULTURED PEARL
WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?
I AIN’T SO DUMB
THIS PEACH AIN’T A PLUM
WHAT’S WRONG WITH HIM?
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE WRONG WITH HIM?
TELL ME WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?
NOTHIN’!
(BLACKOUT.
LINA’s Dressing Room rides off left as SIMPSON’s
office rides on right and the studio lot scrim
flies in behind.. We move into:)
Scene 4
R.F. SIMSPON’s office.
At rise: R.F. is pacing in front of his desk.
DEXTER stands deep in thought. COSMO enters
hurriedly.
COSMO
You sent for me, boss?
SIMPSON
Where’s Don?
COSMO
I think he’s working with Kathy Selden.
SIMPSON
So that’s the problem. Hurricane Lina just stormed through here.
Good thing I was in the inner office, casting. So Lina found out.
She’s upset?
(DEXTER and COSMO exchange glances)
COSMO
A little.
DEXTER
(Changing the subject)
Say, R.F., have you seen the new footage of the “Would You” num-
ber?
SIMPSON
That Selden girl is great, no matter what Lina says.
(COSMO and DEXTER look relieved)
When the picture is released, I’m going to give her a big build-
up! How much is there left to do?
 II-81
COSMO
We’re still trying to crack that big production number, boss.
SIMPSON
(Pulling a brilliant idea from the skies)
Tap dancing.
DEXTER
Huh.
SIMPSON
We’ve got to have — tap dancing!
DEXTER
We can’t have tap dancing. The picture takes place during the
French Revolution.
SIMPSON
(Determined)
We’ve got to have tap dancing!
COSMO
We’ve got to have tap dancing!
SIMPSON
(To DEXTER)
See.
COSMO
Uhm.
(HE thinks, with exaggerated movements. Then,
HE’s got it. HE describes his idea with mounting
excitement)
COSMO
How’s this. We throw a modern section into the picture. The hero
is a young Broadway hoofer. Right?
SIMPSON
Right!
COSMO
He sings and dances. Right?
SIMPSON
Right!
COSMO
One night backstage, he’s reading The Tale of Two Cities between
numbers, see? A sandbag falls on his head and – viola! – he
dreams he’s back in the French Revolution. Right?
(DEXTER shakes his head, as if to indicate it will
never work)
 II-82
SIMPSON
(After a pause)
Sen-saytional!!!
DEXTER
Excuse me, Cosmo. But how are you going to do that?
COSMO
Close your eyes – close your eyes — and imagine this. . .
(THEY close their eyes)

Number: “BROADWAY MELODY”

COSMO
DON’T BRING A FROWN TO OLD BROADWAY
YOU’VE GOT TO CLOWN ON BROADWAY
(Velour flies out)
YOU’RE TROUBLES THERE ARE OUT OF STYLE
(Desk rides off right; DEXTER and SIMPSON exit)
‘CAUSE BROADWAY ALWAYS WEARS A SMILE
(Lights bleed through scrim)
A MILLION HEARTS BEAT QUICKER THERE.
A MILLION LIGHTS THEY FLICKER THERE
NO CLOUDS OF GREY ON THAT GREAT WHITE WAY

THAT’S THE BROADWAY MELODY.

(The scrim flies out revealing the CHORUS standing
in three groups in front of the lit Broadway drop)
GOTTA DANCE
(GROUP #1 DANCE BREAK)
GOTTA DANCE
(GROUP # 2 DANCE BREAK)

CHORUS
GOTTA DANCE
GOTTA DANCE
GOTTA DANCE
GOTTA DANCE
GOTTA DANCE
(DANCE SECTION. THEY chant)
BROADWAY RHYTHM, BROADWAY RHYTHM
BROADWAY RHYTHM, BROADWAY RHYTHM
BROADWAY RHYTHM, BROADWAY RHYTHM

(DON dances on from up left)

DON
BROADWAY RHYTHM, IT’S GOT ME
EVERYBODY DANCE
BROADWAY RHYTHM, IT’S GOT ME
EVERYBODY DANCE
 II-84
COSMO
(Huffing and puffing, as if HE’s acted out the
entire number)
Well, boss, what do you think?

SIMPSON
It’s a little hard to imagine. Could you tell it to me again?

(COSMO looks at him and faints dead away from

exhaustion.)

(BLACKOUT. A spot pickups Dora Bailey downleft)

DORA
(At microphone)
Hello, out there! This is Dora Bailey talking to you in front of
Graumann’s Chinese Theatre in Hollywood. What a night! Every star
is at the premiere of Monumental Picture’s “The Dancing Cavalier”.
Once again, we reunite those immortal screen lovers Don Lockwood
and Lina Lamont in their first all talking, all singing, all danc-
ing musical romance. It is an event that will go down in cinema
history.
(BLACKOUT)

Scene 5

Outside Graumann’s Chinese Theatre, Hollywood

Boulevard. The lights comes up D.R. where R. F.
SIMPSON and DEXTER are waiting in the wings while
the film is in progress.

DEXTER
They’re loving it, R.F. They’re loving it.

SIMPSON
Of course they’re loving it. This is an R.F. Simpson production.

(ROD enters reading a newspaper, aghast. SIMPSON

and DEXTER notice him, and wait to hear what HE
has to say)

SIMPSON
(Finally)
Well?

ROD
“Monumental Pictures wildly enthusiastic over Lina’s singing pipes
and dancing stems.”
 II-85
SIMPSON
I never said that!

ROD
“Premiere tomorrow night to reveal Lina Lamont big musical tal-
ent.” Boss you can’t pull a switch like this on the publicity
department! We were all prepared for the campaign on Kathy
Selden.

SIMPSON
Now, wait a second – I don’t know anything about this. I had
nothing to do with it!

ROD
Well, what are we going to do?

(LINA flounces in right, dressed in evening gown)

LINA
Nothing! You wouldn’t want to call the papers and say Lina Lamont
is a big fat liar!

SIMPSON
Lina! Did you send that stuff out?

LINA
(Very pleased with herself)
I gave an exclusive story – to every newspaper in town.

SIMPSON
Lina, you’ll never get away with this. Rod, call the newspapers
back.

LINA
I wouldn’t do that if I were you, R.F.

SIMPSON
Don’t tell me what to do, Lina.

LINA
What do you think I am? Dumb or somethin’? I had my lawyers go
over my contract.

SIMPSON
Contract?

LINA
Yeah -- and I control my publicity -- not you.
 II-86
SIMPSON
(Angrily)
Yeah?
LINA
Yeah! The studio’s responsible for every word printed about me.
And if I don’t like it, I can sue.
(pronounced “syoo”)
SIMPSON
(Shaken)
What?
LINA
I can syoo! If you tell the papers about Kathy Selden, it would be
(Very grandly, like an elocution student)
“Determentaland deleterious to my caareer.” I could syoo you for
the whole studio!
(Hands HIM a contract open to a certain page)
SIMPSON
(On the defensive)
That’s a lot of nonsense.
LINA
It says so right here.
(Shows HIM; HE reads to himself)
“Contract dated June 8, 1925 -- paragraph thirty-four --
subdivision letter A -- the party of the first part --” That’s me!
SIMPSON
You win, Lina. Satisfied?
(ROD and DEXTER exit right. LINA stops SIMPSON)
LINA
Only one little thing more.
SIMPSON
(Crossing back)
Yeah? Want me to change the name of the stuido to “Lamont Pictures
Incorporated”?
LINA
Oh R.F., you’re cute. No, I was just thinkin’...
(Crossing left)
You’ve given this girl a part in Zelda’s picture, and you’re gonna
give her an even bigger one in the next...

SIMPSON
So?
 II-90
LINA
(Very coyly)
Hmmm. that’s what you think!

ROD
Come on. Come on! They’re tearing the house apart. Go on. Take
another bow. Go on!
(LINA runs out to stage for another bow and DON
follows angrily)

COSMO
(To SIMPSON)
Lina’s getting a little carried away, isn’t she, boss?

SIMPSON
(Uncomfortably)
Yes. Yes, she is.
(DON and LINA re-enter from stage)

DON
(To LINA; bursting with rage)
Listen, you boa constrictor. Don’t get any fancy ideas about the
future.
(To SIMPSON)
Tell her, R.F.

LINA
(Cutting in savagely as SIMPSON fumbles for words)
Never mind, R.F. Listen to that applause out there! It’s for me!
For Lina Lamont! Wait till the money starts rolling in! You’re not
gonna give all that up cause a little nobody who nobody ever heard
nothing about don’t wanna be my voice.
ROD
(Quickly; to the befuddled SIMPSON)
She’s got something there, boss. It’s a gold-mine! You got no
choice.
KATHY
(Cutting through)
Part of that choice is mine, Miss Lamont! I just won’t do it!
LINA
(With heavy sarcasm)
You got a five-year contract, honey. You’ll do what R.F. says!

DON
(Angry and incredulous, to SIMPSON)
Well, what’s the matter, R.F.? Why don’t you tell her off?
 II-91
SIMPSON
I. . . I. . . don’t know. . . I. . . I’m confused. . . This thing
is so big. . . I. . .
ROD
Come on! They’re tearing the house apart! Go on, go on. Take
another bow.
(DON and LINA go on stage, LINA flouncing out
triumphantly and DON in a black rage)
COSMO
(To SIMPSON with quiet contempt)
I once gave you a cigar. Can I have it back?
SIMPSON
Now wait a minute, Cosmo...
(DON and LINA re-enter from stage)
LINA
(With wild ecstasy)
Listen to them. I’m an avalanche!
(To KATHY, in a taunting, six-year old manner)
Ha, Selden. You’re stuck!
DON
(To SIMPSON with icy fury)
Look, R.F., if this happens, you can just get yourself another
boy. I won’t stand for it.
SIMPSON
(Pleadingly)
Oh, Don!
KATHY
(Frightened)
Don!
DON
I mean it. You’ll make your Lockwood-Lamont Pictures without
Lockwood.
LINA
(With superb, sweeping contempt)
So, who needs you? I’ll be twice as big without you! They’d come
to see me if I played opposite a monkey.
SIMPSON
Just a minute, Lina. Don’s a smash, too. I’m still running this
studio.
LINA
I’m not so sure. You’re the big Mr. Producer, always running
things. Running me! Well, from no on I’m running me. as far as I’m
concerned, I’m running the studio!