Manly Marriage Revival

© 2015 by Husband Help Haven
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or

transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other
electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher,
except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other
noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.
This book contains information intended to help you save your marriage and avoid
divorce. Although every precaution has been taken to verify the accuracy of the
information contained herein, the author assumes no responsibility for any errors or
omissions. This book is not intended to be used as legal advice. No liability is assumed
for damages that may result from the use of information contained within.
MANLY MARRIAGE REVIVAL Page | 2

Dedicated to my wife. You stood by my side even before I knew
what it meant to be a man, and you encourage me in everything I do. Thank you.
&
Dedicated to my parents. If your marriage hadn’t failed, I never would’ve had the desire
to help countless others save their own. Your loss will save the relationships of many
more.

Table of Contents
Part 1: A Healthy, Happy Marriage & Your Place In It
Chapter 1. Leadership
Chapter 2. Love
Chapter 3. Focus
Chapter 4. Understanding the Enemy
Chapter 5. Do You Have to Be an Alpha Male?
Chapter 6. The Seven Areas of Husbandly Leadership
Chapter 7. Setting Goals & Measuring Progress
Part 2: Communication & Understanding Her Needs

Chapter 8. The Role of Attraction in Communication
Chapter 9. Speaking Your Mind
Chapter 10. Problem Solving
Chapter 11. Consistency, aka. Doing What You Say
Chapter 12. Affection
Chapter 13. The Cold, Distant Wife
Part 3: Action Time – Specific Things to Do & Say

Chapter 14. Optimal Habits for a Husbandly Leader
Chapter 15. Forgiveness
Chapter 16. DO’s & DON’Ts If You’re Already Separated
Chapter 17. Specific Things to Say to Your Wife
Chapter 18. The Affair Chapter
Chapter 19. Patience, Recovery & Future Expectations
Chapter 20. Putting Leadership Into Practice & Other Closing Thoughts
Appendix A | Appendix B | Appendix C

Introduction
Before we jump into Manly Marriage Revival, I want to make sure we’re both on the
same page. I want you to know what this book is and what it is not, and I want you to
know where this book is coming from.
For the past three years, men Inside the Haven have been asking me for something
more. Until now, I’ve always referred those people to programs offered by either
Michael Cross or Dr. Huizenga depending on their problem – two veritable experts in
their own right.
But, something was still missing…
Four years after starting Husband Help Haven, I still haven’t found a single book or
resource that wholly sums up the essence of husbandly leadership in a way that’s
accurate, realistic and actionable. This book is unique in that it is focused exclusively on
husbandly leadership and how to put it into practice inside your marriage.
 This book is NOT about having more sex in your marriage.

 This book is NOT about becoming an alpha male.
 This book is NOT about tricking your wife into staying with you. To tell you the
truth, it’s not about your wife at all.
 This book is all about you. And me. And every man who cares about being the
best husband he can be. (Hey, that rhymed…)
This book is the answer to 4+ years of questions from men Inside the Haven. Over time
I’ve found that although every marriage is different, many of the overarching problems
are the same. So, I literally had my email open beside me as I wrote this entire book, just
so I could imagine that I was talking directly to you – the man on the other side of this
screen. As you continue reading, you’ll find answers to all of the most common
questions and problems men face when implementing husbandly leadership in their
own marriage.

Wherever you are right now… Whatever state your marriage is in… This book will help
you make it better by teaching you what it really means to be a good husband. You’ll
learn how to lead in a way that boosts confidence, increases attraction and fosters love,
no matter what your marriage is like right now.
Some of the things you read will be counter-cultural. Most of what you read will be
challenging. Throughout this book, you will realize that change needs to happen in your
mindset and your marriage, and it will be hard.
Are you ready for the challenge? I believe you are! But first, let’s make one thing clear:
I’m Not Special

The introduction is as good a time as any to tell you where this book is coming from.
What makes me qualified to write a book like this?
Honestly, there’s nothing special about me. I’m not smart or particularly good-looking.
My wife doesn’t beg me for sex every day of our marriage. We have the occasional
disagreement. I’m not a perfect husband; I do stupid things that hurt her feelings more
often than I’d like. And I’m not a marriage counselor or therapist.
That being said, I do have three things going for me that make me qualified to help men
like you become better husbands:
1. I’m happily married to the woman of my dreams, and she loves and
respects me as her leader. Everything I teach about leadership has been practiced
and proven inside my own marriage.
2. I’ve never been divorced, but I’ve lived through divorce twice:
a. As a kid I remember lying awake in bed listening to my parents argue in
the kitchen. I watched my parents’ marriage sputter and die throughout
my childhood and adolescence, and I’ve spent more hours than I can count
analyzing their mistakes.

b. When I was 20, one of my close friends got divorced. This wasn’t nearly as
traumatic as my parents’ divorce because he’d only been married a couple
years, but this experience showed me that my friend and my dad both had
the exact same problems. This is when I realized that there’s something
inherently wrong with the way men function in marriage today.
3. As I write this, 5,223 men have come Inside the Haven to learn more about
husbandly leadership. I’m no marriage counselor, but I’ve seen the inner
workings of hundreds of marriages from men who’ve emailed me asking for
advice.
Who Is This Book For?

If your wife is on her way out of the marriage, and you want to get her back, this
book is for you. Inside, you’ll learn actionable marriage advice so that you know both
what you should do and why you should do it.
If you’re separated or if she’s already filed for divorce, and you want the
absolute best chance of getting your wife back, then this book is for you. While I can’t
guarantee you’ll get her back, I can guarantee that what you’ll learn will maximize your
chances of getting her back.
If you want to be the best husband you can be and create the happiest, most
fulfilling marriage of your life, then this book is for you. What you’ll learn inside will
help you become a more confident and more loving leader for your family.
The Manly Marriage Revival Guarantee

If you make it through this whole book and take action on what you learn,
I guarantee you’ll be a better husband by the end.
Are you ready to start making changes in your marriage?
Then let’s go. Introduction over.

Part 1:
A Healthy, Happy Marriage
& Your Place In It
Setting the Foundation:

Learning What a Happy Marriage Looks Like
& How Leadership Makes it Happen

Chapter 1. Husbandly Leadership
First things first, let’s talk about leadership. As a man, husbandly
leadership is the most important part of building a healthy and
happy marriage.
Let’s get one thing straight – leadership is both the most challenging and vital part
of being a good husband.
Every marriage without a husband who takes leadership seriously is doomed to fail.
Before you read any further, make sure you’ve read the Start Here page on Husband
Help Haven… There’s a lot of foundational information about leadership there that I’m
going to assume you already know for this chapter. That way my blog readers aren’t
reading repeat info.
Some key takeaways from that page are:
 A good leader is generous, loving, positive and brave.

 A good leader takes responsibility for his mistakes.
 All women would rather have a leader for a husband than a follower.
 If you don’t take the leadership role, your wife will.
 Most importantly, good leadership is actually a form of servanthood. More on
this below.
We’ll go over some of these points again inside this book, but it’s still good preliminary
reading to get you started.
Why Can’t Husband & Wife Share Leadership?

All moral and biological reasoning aside, there’s one simple reason that the husband and
wife can’t share leadership:
Math.

Most marriages are between two people. Guess what? No matter how you try to add it
up, there’s no such thing as a democracy of two.
Eventually there will come a point where Person A wants to do something and Person B
wants to do another thing. So which thing do you do and how do you decide? Who casts
the deciding vote?
That person is the leader.
But Jacob, can’t the husband and wife just take turns making the final
decision on important matters?
Yes, in theory. But it never works out that way for long. Inevitably there will be some
decision that’s “too important” to let go. What happens then?
Name any great country, group or company that relies on TWO equal leaders to make
the final decision. Can you think of any? Me neither. And that’s because authoritative
leadership just isn’t something that can be shared two ways. That’s why even in the USA,
the home of democracy, we still have a single president to protect and preserve our
nation.
Which brings us to the next point…
What Does Husbandly Leadership Look Like?

As the leader of your family, there are certain primal duties which you are responsible
for. In his book Manhood in the Making, David Gilmore identifies three core duties of a
man – to protect, provide and procreate. In modern life, here are some examples of
what these look like:
 When you hear a loud noise in the middle of the night, it’s your job to be the one
to go check it out, baseball bat in hand.
 When your daughter sees a monster in the closet, it’s your job to open the doors
and show her it’s not real.

 When your son gets bullied at school, it’s your job to show him how to throw a
punch.
 When your wife or family faces pain, loss or failure, it’s your job to be the
shoulder they can cry on.
 When your bank account is overdrawn and next month’s bills are past due, it’s
your job to go out and pave driveways, mow yards, or sell your old baseball
cards… To do whatever it takes to make ends meet.
 When your wife wants a baby, it’s your job to seduce her and make one together.
Think of it like this – your family is a ship and you are the captain. You’re in charge of
where your ship is going, and the safety and welfare of everyone on board is your
responsibility.
Why Being a Leader Means Being a Servant

A good leader puts the needs of his followers above his own.
In other words, the best leader is also the best servant.
This is where we start to see the true meaning of leadership. We can find many examples
of great leaders like this throughout history… One of my personal favorites is Theodore
Roosevelt Sr.
You may already know that Theodore Roosevelt is perhaps one of the most revered and
respected leaders that America has ever seen.
Why?
His legacy started during the Spanish-American war… Roosevelt was the second-in-
command, so he could have easily abstained from fighting altogether; he could have
given the orders from the backlines and let lower ranked troops do the dirty work.
But he didn’t.
Even though his forces were outnumbered, he got down in the trenches with his Rough
Riders and fought the enemy face-to-face. When he made orders, he followed them

along with even the lowest ranked troops. He never asked any of his men to do
something that he wouldn’t personally do himself, and he proved it time and time again.
This is what true leadership looks like. A true leader puts the needs of his people – or in
the case of marriage, his family – above any and all needs of himself as an individual. A
husbandly leader takes responsibility for the welfare of his family, and he’s willing to die
for those he loves.
What If You Aren’t a Natural Leader?

There’s another reason I’m telling you the story of Theodore Roosevelt.
Despite growing up to become one of the greatest leaders this country has ever seen,
Roosevelt was NOT a born leader. In fact, he was just the opposite… He was a weak, pale
and sickly child.
 He needed glasses from a young age.

 He had severe asthma and suffered from near-death nighttime asthma attacks
throughout his childhood; he would wake up in the middle of the night unable to
breath, sometimes to the point of passing out.
 His mother homeschooled him to keep him safe.
 Doctors told him he would always be a weakling, and that he should avoid going
outdoors for the rest of his life.
How did this weak and sickly child grow up to become one of the most revered soldiers,
leaders and presidents in US history?
Turns out, Roosevelt’s father was the living definition of true, masculine family
leadership. Roosevelt wrote that, “[My father] combined strength and courage with
gentleness, tenderness and great unselfishness.” His father was also the one who
encouraged him to do something about his natural weakness.
So, around the age of 10, Roosevelt started exercising A LOT. He read about history’s
most courageous men and heroes to learn what made them great. He went outside at
every opportunity. He would go hiking with his father’s friends and force himself to keep

up. After getting beat up by a couple older boys on a camping trip, he even found a
boxing coach to teach him how to fight.
Roosevelt recognized where his life was going and he decided to TAKE ACTION and
make a change. He ignored what everyone else said about his future and made himself
into the man he wanted to be.
Sound familiar?
It should… That’s exactly what you’re doing right now.
I love the story of Theodore Roosevelt because he is proof that anyone can become a
leader. No matter where you’re at right now, no matter how far you are from true
husbandly leadership, no matter what your wife, your family, your marriage counselor
or anyone else says about your marriage, you can make a change.
… In fact, you’ve already started.
What You Lose Without Husbandly Leadership

Husbandly leadership isn’t just necessary, it actually makes your marriage better. There
are four big benefits that husbandly leadership brings to a healthy marriage that you’ll
lose without it:
1. Attraction
2. Fulfillment
3. Longevity
4. Trust & Problem Solving
Keep reading below to learn how leadership makes each of these things possible.
Attraction
I’ve already talked extensively on Husband Help Haven about the relationship between
your ability to lead the marriage and your wife’s attraction for you. If you want to read
more about attraction, check out these articles:

 The Secret Ingredient for a Happy Marriage
 How to Romance Your Wife
If you want to skip all that reading, here’s the key takeaway:
The only way your wife will stay in the marriage is if she WANTS to. The only way she
wants to stay is if she’s ATTRACTED to you. The only way to make your wife
attracted to you is through LEADERSHIP.
That make sense?
Women find leadership attractive.
It’s built into our DNA; the man who leads is more attractive and desirable than the man
who submits. No matter how sexist that might sound, it’s true. See the Man A / Man B
comparison on the Start Here page for an example of why.
Let me make this clear: there are no exceptions to this rule:
LEADERSHIP IS ATTRACTIVE TO EVERY WOMAN & WIFE
Ironically, I’ve always found that the women who are most vehemently opposed to
husbandly leadership are the ones who hold their husband to the highest standard.
Fulfillment
Does your marriage feel hollow? Do you personally feel lost, or like you’re missing
something from your life? Do you feel like a shell of the man you once were?
A healthy marriage is invigorating. It’s a daily reminder of your masculinity. It

gives you purpose and meaning. A healthy marriage makes you a better man.
An unhealthy marriage is the exact opposite. It drains you. It makes you forget
what it’s like to be a man. It makes you avert your eyes when you look in the mirror
because you know that you’re a failure and you can’t stand to look at yourself. It saps
your confidence, your happiness, your generosity and your ability to love others.

An unhealthy marriage, one in which you feel completely out of control, makes you feel
like you’re wasting your life. When you feel in control, when you’re confident in yourself
as a husbandly leader, your marriage will feel more fulfilling and meaningful.
Side note: An unhealthy, unfulfilling marriage is a big reason that so many men
and women today fall into a midlife crisis. A midlife crisis happens when you look
back on your life and feel like it’s all been a waste of time, so you feel forced to
make a big change. Usually that big change means traveling back in time to
becoming how you were before you were married and trying to get what you
wanted back when you were young, usually at the sacrifice of your marriage or
family.
Longevity
Growing up, my parents didn’t have a healthy marriage. Most of my friends’ parents
didn’t either. In fact, the only really good examples of a healthy marriage I had were my
grandparents. Both my dad’s and my mom’s parents were happily married for 50+ years
as lifelong partners.
What about you?
Growing up, did anyone in your life have a happy marriage? Did you have ANY real-life
examples of what a good husband is supposed to look like?
Here’s a quiz for you… We all know that divorce rates are at the highest they’ve ever
been in America. These days, between 35% and 55% of marriages end in divorce,
depending who you ask.
So, the question is this:
When did the national divorce rate first start rising?
The ‘Divorce Revolution’ as it’s been called started in the late 1960s with the
introduction of the no-fault divorce. This was the first time that married couples were

allowed to get divorced for no reason other than because they didn’t want to be married
anymore.
Of course, this helped make divorces more amicable since you weren’t forced to attack
your spouse to “prove” that divorce was the only answer, but as intended, it also made
divorce much easier and much more common.
However, that’s not the only thing that happened in the late ‘60s and early ‘70s that may
have led to a steady increase in divorce rates…
1. The ‘soul-mate’ marriage model became trendy around this time. This
meant that couples felt entitled to an easy marriage because, after all, soul-mates
have natural chemistry that never goes away. This trend put a huge priority on
consistent personal happiness above all else. The soul-mate trend meant that if
you were EVER unhappy, you must not be married to your soul-mate.
2. The sexual revolution also raised expectations for a sexy, “passionate”

marriage. The increased acceptance of sexual promiscuity also made it much
easier to have an affair and/or find porn. Similar to the soul-mate mentality, the
sexual revolution made it so that a marriage without sex was a failing marriage.
This way of thinking – the negative idea of a sexless marriage – didn’t exist
before the ‘70s.
3. The introduction of feminism made it extremely taboo for men to take the
leadership role in a marriage. It became sexist, chauvinistic and close-minded to
say that men should be the leader in marriage. Don’t get me wrong – civil rights,
especially in the workplace, was and still is a very important problem that needs
to be fixed. But disallowing men to lead their marriage has created a lot more
problems than it solved.
These three reasons are why most of us have to look all the way back to our
grandparents to see an example of a committed, lifelong marriage. And as you’re

starting to realize, the repercussions of these trends from the ‘60s and ‘70s continue to
haunt us today in our modern “gimme gimme” culture.
The truth is that most of us have never learned what a healthy marriage looks like.
We’ve forgotten what it means to care about someone else more than you care about
yourself. Is it any surprise, then, that we’ve forgotten how to build the 50+ year
marriages of a past generation?
Trust & Problem-Solving

In order to solve marriage problems, your wife needs to trust you. She needs to believe
that even if she disagrees with you about something, you still have her and her children’s
best interests at heart.
If your wife doesn’t trust your leadership – if she has no proof that you’re fit to protect
and provide for her and the family – then why would she trust your judgment? Why
would she agree with your answer to the problems in your marriage?
The plain answer is that she wouldn’t and she won’t. As long as you’re NOT the leader,
problem-solving will be an uphill battle.
On the other hand, when your wife respects you… When she’s confident in you as a
husband, father and man… When she KNOWS that you’ll ultimately do whatever it takes
to give her the life she wants… Then problems practically solve themselves.
Introducing The Leadership Cycle

How & Why Leadership Fits Into Your Marriage
For many years I’ve tried to explain why leadership is crucial, both in enjoying happy
marriages and repairing damaged ones. I’ve struggled to explain how exactly it relates to
the other elements that are really and truly required in a marriage, like love and trust
and forgiveness.

For a long time, husbandly leadership was one of those things that I knew in my gut was
important, but I didn’t understand why beyond the simple fact that it builds attraction.
Surely, there’s something more to it, right? There is.
Enter, The Leadership Cycle:
It’s not the best looking diagram in the world (I made it myself), but it does explain what
happens when leadership is present in a marriage.
1. Leadership increases levels of attraction, then…

2. Attraction makes her want to forgive, then…
3. Forgiveness leads to an increase of love, then…
4. Increased love allows you to lead more confidently, then…
Leading more confidently makes you more attractive, which makes forgiveness more
natural, etc.
The cycle goes on.

We’ll refer back to The Leadership Cycle a lot throughout this first part of the book, so
let’s go through each section of this diagram one at a time.
Leadership Increases Levels of Attraction

This is the section of the diagram that
you’ve probably heard the most
about, especially if you read the 10
Steps to Gain Husbandly Leadership.
What I want to clarify here is that

attraction is NOT just physical.
When we think of a woman being

helplessly attracted to a guy, many of us envision a man with 8% body fat and six-pack
abs. Or maybe we think of the guy from the infamous 50 Shades of Grey – a rich bad boy
that women can’t resist.
In a marriage, attraction is more than just physical; it’s emotional and mental too. When
your wife is attracted to you, it’s not because you’re physically attractive; it’s because she
sees you as a man worthy of her time and respect. This is the kind of attraction that lasts
a lifetime.
This is good news for us, because it means that you don’t have to be in the best shape of
your life to get your wife back. Attraction has nothing to do with your fitness or how
much money you make. Instead, it’s all about your leadership. When you have the
attitude of a leader, your wife can’t help but respect you; you’ll pique her interest.

Attraction Incentivizes Forgiveness
To see proof that attraction incentivizes
forgiveness, just look at any abusive
relationship…
You know those couples where the guy is

a huge jerk, but the girl stays with him
no matter how many times he screws
her over?
That’s because she’s attracted to him, and that attraction enables forgiveness.
This is a really depressing example, and I’m NOT saying that those types of relationships
are healthy. They’re not; they’re highly dysfunctional. Being a leader doesn’t mean being
an inconsiderate ass. The point here is that if our imaginary girl wasn’t attracted to that
guy, then she’d leave him in a heartbeat. But because she is attracted to him, she’ll
continue to forgive him time and time again.
Of course, there are other factors at play in any abusive relationship, but you get the
point.
That’s why I used the word “incentivize” here. When your wife is attracted to you, she
has an incentive to forgive you. That incentive is getting to stay with a man she finds
attractive.
This step of The Leadership Cycle is why I spend so much time talking about attraction,
and it’s why attraction is the only thing that can keep your wife in the marriage when
she otherwise wants out. Attraction incentivizes forgiveness.

Forgiveness Allows for Increased Love
This is the part of the diagram that we
haven’t talked as much about...
What happens after you’ve mastered

husbandly leadership and rebuilt
attraction with your wife?
What happens after your wife decides

to forgive you?
Love grows.
When your wife makes either a conscious or subconscious decision to forgive you, she
opens up her heart. She is saying, “I’ve seen you at your worst, and I accept you as you
are.”
Forgiveness naturally leads to increased love.
Note that this is the part of The Leadership Cycle that’s missing in those abusive
relationships we talked about earlier. The man takes his forgiveness for granted because
he doesn’t actually love his woman; he only loves himself. Similarly, the woman’s
forgiveness of her man doesn’t lead to increased feelings of love, but instead to increased
feelings of fear.
Love Enables You to More Confidently Lead

Leadership is the hardest when
you’re all on your own. When you
don’t have your wife’s love and
support, leading your marriage feels
a lot like trying to push a boulder
uphill.

However, once you make it all the way through The Leadership Cycle – once you’ve built
attraction, incentivized forgiveness and allowed love to grow – leadership becomes self-
sustaining.
This step is the goal. This is what we’re working towards. This is why husbandly
leadership is the safest way to guarantee a happy and fulfilling lifelong marriage… The
more times you go through The Leadership Cycle, the easier it is to maintain the cycle in
your marriage.
This step is also why leadership will be harder to implement right now in your marriage
than at any other time. Because you can’t complete the cycle until you have your wife’s
forgiveness, you are basically forced to continue leading without any of the rewards or
reassurance until your wife warms up to the marriage. But that’s okay! She’ll get there;
you just keep working on improving your leadership.
This last step of The Leadership Cycle also illustrates a very important concept about
love, which is that leadership is how you express love as the husband. We’ll talk
more about this in the next chapter.
As I said, we’ll refer back to the Leadership Cycle a lot throughout this first section of the
book, so don’t worry about memorizing every step right now.
I recommend you take a couple minutes to go back up and review the whole cycle, then
it’s time to move on to the next chapter.
(key takeaways from Chapter 1 on the next page)

Key Takeaways from Chapter 1:
 Husbandly leadership is the foundation of every happy marriage.
 Husbandly leadership is taboo, but it’s not what most people think. A husband
leads through servanthood; he does more than his fair share, he makes
sacrifices, he takes responsibility, and he cares more about his wife and
children than himself.
 When your wife accepts you as her leader (even if she doesn’t come out and
say it), it’ll fix 99% of the problems in most marriages.
 Your goal is to become the best husbandly leader you can be.
 The Leadership Cycle:
1. Leadership builds attraction…
2. Attraction incentivizes forgiveness…
3. Forgiveness increases love…
4. Love allows more confident leadership (and love is expressed by
leadership for you as the husband).
5. … The cycle repeats.

Chapter 2. Love
Love is the core of a lasting marriage. Leadership is the
mechanism by which you, as the husband, show your love for
your wife. When you’re not a good leader, it’s because you don’t
love your wife.
Regardless of your beliefs, you’ve probably heard the iconic passage about love from 1
Corinthians 13. This passage is the go-to reading for almost every wedding ceremony,
even when the wedding isn’t in a church, because it speaks so truly to the heart of what
love means:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is
not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not
easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in
evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, and always perseveres.”
It’s an obvious thing to say, but love is the single most important part of a healthy
marriage. Most men understand the importance of love, but they may not know what
love should look like between a man and woman.
How do you actually implement and carry out this kind of love in your marriage? That’s
what we’re going to be talking about in this chapter.
Love Inside a Marriage Is…

Before we talk about how to bring true love to your marriage, let’s make sure we’re on
the same page. When I say “love”, there are certain attributes that go along with it.
Inside a marriage, love should be:
Unconditional
It’s kind of cliché, but it’s really the reason that marriage is such a beautiful relationship.

A healthy marriage is built on unconditional love. It’s about one person
accepting another person completely as they are. It’s about two people saying to each
other, “I will love you no matter what until the day we die. From now on, no matter
where you go or what you do, I will love you.”
Unconditional love is what makes forgiveness possible. Unconditional love is what

enables a marriage to last forever.
Mutually Beneficial
Mutual love is what makes marriage the definition of freedom.
Mutual, unconditional love frees you to be the man you were meant to be. It allows you
to say, “I already know I’m loved, therefore I am free to make sure my wife knows she’s
loved too.” You could call it a Mutual Love Matrix. Here’s what it looks like:
Here’s what’s happening in the diagram above: When you love your wife, you’ll
make her life better, which in turn assures her that she’s loved. Then when she knows
she’s loved, she’ll love you more, and because she loves you more she’ll naturally
prioritize making your life better, which assures YOU that you’re loved, which restarts
the cycle. The end result is you both make each other’s life better.

Mutual love in marriage should create an internal web where both spouses are actively
trying to make the other person feel loved. This Mutual Love Matrix is what you’re
working towards. This concept was something that was inspired from a chapter in Jon
Piper’s book, The Dangerous Duty of Delight. Great read.
Sacrificial
Sacrificial love means that when push comes to shove, you’re willing to lay your life on
the line for your wife. It means you’d literally take a bullet for her.
However, since most of us won’t be in a position to take a bullet for our wives anytime
soon (hopefully), we need a more practical application of sacrificial love. Basically, when
you love your wife as you should, you’ll always prioritize your wife’s needs above your
own.
Makes sense, right?
Where this gets complicated is when your wife is being overly demanding. Sacrificial
love is vital to a healthy marriage, but what if your wife doesn’t love you the same way
that you love her?
What’s going to happen then?
Every situation is different, but many times she’ll take advantage of you. She’ll make you
into her footstool. She’ll take and take and take some more until you’re empty and out of
stuff to give.
This is why love must be tempered with leadership. When you let the sacrificial nature
of love run rampant, when you make sacrifices for the sole reason that you want her to
think that you’re a good husband, you risk becoming desperate. Sacrifices should be
untainted by ulterior motives; they are only made with love in mind. But we’ll talk more
about that later in the book.

Persistent
Marital love has a strong chin. It can take a punch. It always gets back up after it’s been
knocked down.
The love you feel for your wife and that she feels for you should be highly resistant to all
of the little problems that come from daily life.
The persistence of love is especially important when your marriage is on

the rocks…
If you’re the only one putting real work into

the marriage, you have to make your love
even more persistent than normal. Your love
has to be unbreakable, unshakeable,
unwavering. Your love needs to be like Rocky
– you take a punch, take another punch, and
take another punch, and then get back up to
take some more. Through it all, you’ve got
your eye on the prize (a happy marriage), and you won’t quit until you get there.
Joyful
Ultimately, love should make you joyful.
This isn’t the kind of superficial happiness that only shows face when the sun is shining
in your life… Marital love should make you joyful on a soul-level. Marital love should
make you content; it should give you satisfaction; it should be the thing you prize most
in this world.
The love you feel for your wife and the love she feels for you are what you will cherish
when you’re on your deathbed. In your last moments on earth, you’ll look at your wife
and smile because you know she loves you, and that’s all you need to take with you out
of this world.

It’s sort of a sad thing to think about, but that’s what I want from my marriage, and I
know it’s what you want too. The love inside your marriage is one of the few things in
life that truly MATTERS. At the end of your days when you look back on your life, the
love you feel for your wife and that she feels for you should be what gives you joy.
Ever-Growing
Like many things in life, love can only move in two directions. It can either increase or it
can decrease; it can never stay stagnant.
Let me say that one more time, just to make sure you get it:
Love can only move in two directions – it can either grow or decay. If
it’s not one, it’s the other.
This means if you can’t say with confidence that you love your wife more than you loved
her a month ago, a year ago or ten years ago, then that doesn’t mean you love her the
same… It means you love her less!
This goes for your wife too. If your wife doesn’t love you MORE than she did before all
the problems started, then she loves you less.
Obvious, right?
Yes, but this point is crucial to understand because it demonstrates why marriages have
trajectory. When a marriage is healthy, love grows. When a marriage is unhealthy, love
decays. The more that love grows, the easier it is to keep growing. The more that love
decays, the easier it is to keep decaying. This is why the problems you’re facing in your
marriage right now didn’t appear overnight – they’re the result of love decaying over
time.

What Does Love Have to Do With Leadership?
If love is really so important, then why did I make such a big deal about leadership in
chapter 1? To put it simply, leadership is how you show love to your wife.
Think of it like this: If your marriage is like a car, love is the engine and leadership
is the fuel. Without an engine, a car isn’t really a car. Without love, your marriage
isn’t really a marriage. But even if you have an engine, you can’t use it without fuel.
Without leadership, you can’t get the benefits of love. When you have both, though,
that’s when you can go anywhere.
You’re probably starting to see where all these problems in your marriage have been
coming from. Even though I know you love your wife and you know you love your wife,
if you’re not a good leader, then guess what? Your wife doesn’t know you love your wife.
When you neglect your duties as the leader of the marriage, you’re basically saying to
your wife, “I don’t care enough about you to continue putting work into this marriage.
I locked you down, I got the girl, now I’m just going to coast.” On the other hand, when
you do put in the effort to lead the marriage, you demonstrate your love for your wife in
a way she finds both attractive and meaningful.
Love Makes Servant-Leadership Possible

The most important lesson to take away from this chapter is that being a leader is NOT
about masculinity. At its core, it’s not even about attraction.
Being a leader is ultimately about loving your wife.

So, let me ask you this question: Do you love your wife?
If so, use that love, because love will give you superpowers. I mean it. It really will!
Love will give you superhuman patience and an unshakeable will to persevere. Love will
give you strength that you didn’t know you had.

Love will make everything worth it… All the time you’re spending reading this book, all
the time before now you’ve spent worrying about your marriage, and all the time after
you’re done reading this book that you’ll spend putting it into practice… It’ll all be worth
it when you can look in the mirror and see a leader. It’ll be worth it for your wife too.
 Let love be your fuel.

 Let love be your motivation to change.
 Let love be your goal.
 Let love be your route to forgiveness.
If you can do those things, then in the next chapter we’re going to learn how to harness
your love for your wife into concrete, focused action.

Key Takeaways from Chapter 2
 Even though it’s obvious, we need to say it: love is the foundation of a healthy,
happy and lasting marriage.
 Love inside a marriage must be…
1. Unconditional
2. Mutual
3. Sacrificial
4. Persistent
5. Joyful
6. Ever-growing.
 Love is what makes marriage rewarding. Love offers all the things that a
marriage is meant to be. Love sets you free, gives you confidence, joy and
contentment.
 The Mutual Love Matrix goes like this:
1. You love your wife.
2. Because you love her, you do things that make her life better.
3. This assures her that she’s loved, which allows her to love you more.
4. Because she loves you, she’ll naturally do things that make your life
better.
5. This assures you that you’re loved, which allows you to love your wife
more.
6. The end result is that mutual love makes both of your lives better.
 Important: being a good leader is ultimately about loving your wife. It’s how
you show your love to your wife.

Chapter 3. Focus on What You Can Control
This chapter is about getting into the right mindset to repair your
marriage. You’ll develop a clear lens through which you can make
decisions as a leader, and you’ll learn how to stop worrying about
your marriage.
Imagine you’re sitting at home with

your family when the radio suddenly
comes on…
It’s an emergency broadcast with an

urgent announcement blaring over the
speakers. There’s a storm coming – the
biggest one in years. The wind is
howling outside and you can already
hear the thunder rumbling in the distance. The radio warns of golf-sized hail,
extremely strong winds and the makings of a tornado.
You only have 10 minutes until the storm is right over your house…
What do you do?
You have two choices…
Option 1 – You go outside and stand on your porch, screaming into the wind,
“Don’t come to my house, storm! I won’t let you hurt my family!” Or maybe you
beg and plead with the wind, saying you’ll do anything to keep the storm away.
Option 2 – You accept that there’s nothing you can do to stop the storm, so you
get your family to safety ASAP. You gather your wife and kids together down in
the basement or wherever there are no windows, and you stay there safely until
the storm passes.
The answer here is obvious, right? You do Option 2 – get your family to safety.

Why?
Because no matter how hard you try, you can’t control the storm. No matter
how loud you yell or how desperately you beg, that storm isn’t going to skip over your
house.
Common sense, right?
The lesson here is this: While you can’t control the storm, you CAN control your reaction
to it. You can get your family to safety to ensure that they won’t get hurt when the storm
hits.
This is a silly example, but this is exactly where you are in your marriage right now…
I’m willing to bet that when it comes to getting your wife back, you’ve been focusing
mostly on things you can’t control. You’ve been worrying about how she spends her
time, or what she says to you, or what she’s going to do in the future. Right now, you’re
the guy standing outside on the porch desperately trying to get that storm to stay away.
Instead, you should be focusing on what YOU can control. That’s what this chapter is all
about.
Let Her Go to Get Her Back

– What It Really Means –
‘Let her go to get her back’ is one of my most common phrases inside Husband Help
Haven, and it has multiple layers of meaning. This is always what I say in emails to men
who are truly desperate to get their wives back; men who can and will do literally
anything to rekindle a relationship with the woman they love.
Does this describe you? Are you willing to do ANYTHING to get your wife back?
If so, good! It’s good that you want your marriage to thrive. Nothing wrong with that.
But, what if I told you that the one thing you had to do to get your wife back was to stop
trying so hard to change your wife’s mind?

Here’s why this is such a problem…
“If you love something, set it free. If it comes
You already know that over the years back, it was and always will be yours. If it
I’ve helped 5,000+ men Inside the never returns, it was never yours to begin
Haven… If you had to guess, what do with.”
you think is the single biggest obstacle - Sherrilyn Kenyon
most men face when they’re trying to
save their marriage?
What’s the one thing that keeps most men from being the best husband they can be?
Fear.
When a man comes to me desperate for a way to get his wife back, it’s always the same
problem – he’s paralyzed by fear. Mentally, he knows what he needs to do; he’s read the
material. Most men even have specific ideas for things they want to do… Things that
their gut is telling them to do. The average man Inside the Haven understands the
concepts of leadership and masculinity, and his leadership instincts are starting to kick
in.
And yet… he can’t bring himself to

actually DO any of it.
Why?
Because the first step towards

husbandly leadership is always a
leap of faith. It requires you to
genuinely let go of control over your
marriage so that you can rebuild it the right way from the ground up. If you can’t let go
of that desire for control over your wife and marriage, you’ll end up pushing her away.
Take a moment to really think about where you’re at in your marriage right now. Think
about the way you interact with your wife… Are your words and actions driven by fear?

Do you feel a desperate desire for control? Are you afraid of what’s going to happen to
your marriage?
Why You Must Overcome Your Fear

of Losing Your Wife
Don’t get me wrong… A little fear is okay. Fear can be a good thing. After all, fear is
really a survival instinct.
Fear is the trigger that tells us something needs to change.
However, fear also gets in the way. Fear makes you desperate. Fear is what will make
you get down on your knees and beg your wife to stay with you.
Are you starting to see why this is a problem?
Fear leads to desperation, and desperation is the last thing your wife wants to see from
you right now.
Even if fear doesn’t make you desperate, it will paralyze you. It will make it extremely
difficult to identify what you need to do to rekindle your relationship with your wife. It
will freeze you in place while your marriage crumbles around you. It will take over your
thoughts; it’ll make your mind run a million miles a minute.
Are you starting to see why fear is a problem? It’s a turnoff for your wife, and it clouds
your judgment.
It’s ironic, but if you don’t get over your fear of losing your wife, you’re virtually
guaranteed to lose her.
Understanding The Root of Fear

Fear lies at the root of many emotions. Anger, depression, apathy… They can all be
traced back to fear.
But, what’s at the root of fear?

At the root of fear is a desire for control. You’re afraid because you want control
of your marriage and you don’t have it.
That’s okay! Us men are programmed to want control. It’s the part of us that makes us
naturally crave leadership. Here’s the thing:
You need to focus your fear – that desire for control – on the things
that you actually can control. In other words, focus ONLY on
improving yourself; NOT on changing your wife’s mind about the
marriage.
Read that paragraph again, because this is a really important point.
Just like the analogy at the beginning of this chapter, you need to realize what you can
and can’t control. You CANNOT control your wife. You can’t reach into her mind and
make her think or feel differently. You can’t explain to her why she should stay in the
marriage or why she should respect you as her leader. It won’t work… Not over the long-
term, anyways.
Don’t Focus on the End Result…

Focus Only on What You Can Directly Control
Right Now
This is a big part of what I mean when I say ‘let her go to get her back’.
You need to recognize that your wife is going to do what she wants, and you need to use
that recognition to get yourself to stop focusing on what your wife is doing. Instead, turn
that energy towards improving what you are doing.
That hard truth is you can’t force your wife to stay in the marriage. Your wife is
going to do what she believes will make her happiest. Therefore, your best bet is to
make yourself into such a good husband that she’d be a fool to leave.

If you’re not the type of man she finds attractive, or if she can’t trust you to lead the
marriage, then guess what?
There’s nothing you can do to immediately change her mind.
So, instead of focusing so much on your wife, it’s time to start focusing on YOU!
What you’ll find is that as you improve yourself as a husband and man, your wife will
naturally gravitate back towards the marriage. The moment that you become
attractive to your wife again will be the moment that your marriage is
saved.
I’ve seen it time and time again… No matter how close you are to divorce, it’s not too late
for your wife to see you as the man she wants to spend her life with.
We’ll talk more about the concept of letting her go to get her back in Chapter 16 when we
learn more about what to do if you’re separated. Stay tuned.
What Can You Control?

Ultimately, there are three things that will always be under your control, no matter what
your marriage is like:
1. You Control What You Say – Almost a third of this book is dedicated to
communication, so you will learn plenty about controlling what you say and
when you say it. In the meantime, recognize that the words out of your mouth
are one of the things you have complete control over.
2. You Control What You Do – Your habits, how you spend your time, your
contribution to domestic duties… These are all things under your control.
Again, we’ll learn more about doing the things that leaders do later in this
book.
3. You Control What You Think – This is by far the hardest of the three,
especially because there are a lot of things in your life right now that will make

you want to think negatively. While your thoughts are under your control,
your emotions aren’t always, and emotions can make it hard to control
thoughts. You might be tempted to let this one slide. After all, your wife can’t
read your mind just like you can’t read hers… What does it matter how you
think? The truth is, how you think affects what you say and what you do… All
three of these things that you can control need to be working in alignment if
you want to live up to your potential as a husbandly leader.
These might seem obvious to you… Obviously you can control what you say, think and
do. But, this chapter is here because throughout your marriage, there will be times
where you’ll feel helpless, like there’s nothing you can control. In those times, remember
that there are ALWAYS three things that you and only you can control – your words,
thoughts and actions.
It’s Okay to Be Afraid of Losing Your Wife, But…

From now on, stop letting desperation fuel your interactions with your wife.
From now on, in every decision you make, in every conversation you have with your
wife, I want you to always be asking yourself this question:
“What can I control in this situation?”

If you ever catch yourself focusing on trying to change your wife’s mind about the
marriage, it means that you’re letting the fear take over. Consciously stop yourself.
Think, “Okay, deep breath. I will not be afraid; I will focus on what I can control.”
In Chapter 7, we’ll talk more about focusing on what you can control and using that
focus to set meaningful goals for your marriage. But we have a couple other important
lessons to learn first.

 Your natural instinct will be to try and control your wife. You’ll want to focus
on changing her mind or trying to convince her to stay. This is like to trying to
control a thunderstorm; it’s just not going to happen.
 From now on, only focus on what you can directly control.
 There are three things that are always under your control:
o What you say
o What you think
o What you do
 Fear is the root of many negative emotions, including anger and depression.
 At the root of fear is a desire for control.
 Don’t focus on the end result. Your goal isn’t to stop the divorce or get
your wife back because those things are NOT under your control. Instead, your
goal is to be the best husband, leader and father you can be because those are
things you CAN control.
 Take the leap of faith – let go of your desire to control your wife and focus that
desire for control on yourself.

Chapter 4. Understanding the Enemy
This chapter is all about preparing you for the challenges you’ll
face as you put husbandly leadership into practice. This chapter is
about getting everything on the table; the biggest and most
common obstacles men are faced with today.
In the last chapter you learned why it’s so

important to focus on what you can control in
your marriage. We learned that it’s pointless
to try and control your wife (or the people
around her) because until you develop powers
of mind control, you cannot force her to feel
differently about the marriage.
In this chapter we’re going to take a strategic

look at all the things that will work against
your self-control.
If you’ve read through my free e-course, 10 Steps to Gain Husbandly Leadership, then
some of the lessons in this chapter will sound familiar.
Here’s the truth:
It’s easy to feel in control of yourself when there’s nothing in your life
trying to take that control away from you. It’s much harder when
you’re surrounded by enemies and obstacles determined to
undermine your self-control.
In this chapter we’re going to quickly cover all the major obstacles that you will face as
you try to regain control of yourself and revive your marriage. By developing a clear
awareness of these obstacles, it’ll be much easier for you to make yourself immune to
their influence.

Why You Must Understand Your Enemy
One of my favorite movies of all time is the second installment in Christopher Nolan’s
recent Batman trilogy – The Dark Knight. Have you seen it?
It has an awesome musical score, stellar acting (R.I.P. Heath Ledger), and a truly
inspirational ending which is the reason I’m bringing it up here.
In case you haven’t seen the movie, here’s a quick rundown of what happens and why it
matters to you as a husband. And yes, I know I’m a bit nerdy for using this as an
example… Bear with me.
Gotham City is in turmoil. Crime is rampant and gang lords run the city
completely unchecked. A young upstart, Harvey Dent, is elected mayor. He’s
a fiercely ethical lawyer with a passion for fixing the crime problem in
Gotham. However, there’s an evil force working against him – The Joker.
Throughout the movie, The Joker does everything in his power to drive
Harvey Dent away from his innate goodness. He even kills Dent’s fiancée
right in front of him, all to convert him from good to evil.
Finally, The Joker succeeds. He drives Dent insane to the point that he
becomes a villain himself. By the end of the movie, Dent, aka. Two Face, has
come to blame everyone around him for his fiancée’s death. He decides to
exact his revenge by killing all the people he believes wronged him.
In the last scene of the movie, Batman is forced to kill Dent because he’s about
to murder the police Lieutenant and his family. But, because of the mass
chaos The Joker has brought on the city, nobody except Batman and the
Lieutenant know just how evil Harvey Dent had become. Gotham doesn’t
know that their shining ray of hope – the mayor that was going to save them
– had himself succumbed to evil. (continued below)

Moments after Harvey’s death, police arrive on the scene. All they know is
that there were gunshots, and that Batman was in the area. As the sirens get
closer and louder, Batman is faced with a choice:
1. He can stay and tell the truth. Batman can explain to the police that Dent
went insane and tried to murder the police Lieutenant’s family, and that he
had to kill the fallen mayor as a last resort to save an innocent woman and
children. In doing so, he would preserve his own name and reputation, but
he would completely shatter all of Gotham’s hope for a better city.
Or…
2. Batman can flee the scene and tell the Lt. to blame him. He can run away
and let the police think that Batman was the one that turned evil, and that
Dent was killed in cold blood. In doing so, he would sacrifice his own
reputation; everyone would blame him for murdering the city’s savior. But,
by sacrificing his own name, he’d guarantee that the once-great Harvey
Dent would live on as a shining ray of hope for Gotham’s future and serve
as motivation for further change.
In the end, Batman decides to take the fall. He runs away into the night and
sacrifices everything to bear the burden of Harvey’s sins, all for the greater
good of the city. And that’s the end of the movie.
What’s this have to do with you?
In The Dark Knight, two good men face the same enemy, but one stands strong and the
other falls away. The difference between Batman and Harvey Dent is that Batman
understood the enemy better than Dent. He knew that The Joker’s final goal wasn’t
just to drive Dent insane – he wanted to shatter hope for all of Gotham City.

Batman knew his enemy, and he knew what his enemy was trying to do on both a
personal and big-picture scale. Because he understood his enemy, he could withstand
the personal attacks in order to save the city.
Are you starting to see the connection here?
As a husband, you need to have this same awareness of your enemy.
You need to be able to withstand the personal attacks in order to save your marriage.
You need to know the individual obstacles that will stand in your way, and the impact
they can make on your marriage.
By knowing the obstacles you’ll face ahead of time, you can prepare yourself to
overcome them and keep your eyes on the prize – a happy and loving marriage to the
woman of your dreams.
I’ve divided these obstacles up into two categories:
 External Obstacles – These are the obstacles that are ‘just part of life’, but that
when left unchecked will add salt to the wounds of a bleeding marriage. These
obstacles come from outside of your relationship with your wife, but they can still

have an enormous negative impact on your marriage.
 Internal Obstacles – These are the obstacles that come from within your
relationship with your wife. Even more dangerous, internal obstacles are the
things that you or your wife will do that will stand in the way of a healthy
marriage.
Let me be clear: These obstacles – these enemies of husbandly leadership – they exist in
EVERY marriage; not just unhealthy ones. The difference is that in a healthy marriage,
you have power over these obstacles. In an unhealthy one, you don’t.
External Obstacles
I want to remind you about the last chapter one more time before we dive into these
external obstacles. Remember what it was about? Focus on what you can control.
With these external obstacles, remember that the obstacle itself is not the problem. It’s
how you handle it that creates cracks in a marriage. Disagreements and challenges are a
natural part of any relationship, but they become poisonous when they take center
stage.
Honestly, entire books could be written on each of these obstacles. My goal here isn’t to
teach you how to solve every single problem related to these obstacles in one chapter –
that would be impossible. Instead, I want you to be prepared when problems arise in
any of these areas, and we’ll spend more time talking about most of these obstacles later
in the book.
Money
When money is tight, it creates problems. Maybe your wife blames you for not making
enough money. Maybe you have different priorities for your money and so you disagree
on how to spend it.
Either way, we’ll learn more about how to lead in money management in Chapter 6
about areas of husbandly leadership.

Domestic Duties & Work Schedules
Countless surveys have found that domestic duties are one of the most common sources
of conflict in marriages today.
Has your wife ever accused you of not doing enough around the house?
Or maybe you’re the one doing more than your fair share…
Work schedules go hand in hand with domestic duties. For example, one spouse might
feel like because they are the primary breadwinner, they don’t have to contribute as
much around the house. Meanwhile, the other spouse might feel like there is more
housework to do than one person can reasonably expected to keep up with. As a result,
resentment builds on both sides.
It doesn’t always have to be this exact type of situation. Maybe both of you work day
jobs, or maybe you’re unemployed right now…
Either way, the point is that when one spouse feels like they’re contributing more to the
running of the household than the other, problems arise. Striking a balance between
domestic duties and work is an obstacle you’ll need to overcome, even if you’re not the
one working at the moment
Kids
It’s hard to call kids an obstacle, but they certainly don’t make things easier.
Just like domestic duties and finances, many surveys have indicated that parenting
disagreements are a major source of strife in most marriages today. One recent study
found that becoming a new parent creates more stress and unhappiness than
catastrophic life events like divorce or the death of a spouse. Crazy, right? Even if you
don’t quite agree with that, there’s no denying that parenting is a responsibility that you
and your wife share that lies outside your direct relationship with your wife, therefore
I’m classifying it as an external obstacle.
Generally, parenting disagreements will be over responsibilities or policies. One parent

might feel like they’re forced to do unreasonably more child-rearing than the other. Or,

maybe a new challenge has come up with your kids and you and your wife disagree on
how to handle it. Either way, if these problems aren’t resolved, they’ll fester.
Infidelity
The most challenging external obstacle of all is infidelity. We actually have an entire
chapter about affairs in the third part of this book. For now, know that there is nothing
more difficult to deal with than when your wife has strayed for another man.
If your wife is having an affair – Facing an affair? Start with these blog posts:
whether it’s emotional or physical
 Emotional Affairs 101
– it’s more important than ever
o What Is An Emotional Affair?
for you to focus on what you can
o Emotional Affair Signs
control. It’s too late to stop your
o How to Survive an Emotional Affair
wife from having an affair. If
o How to End an Emotional Affair
she’s unrepentant, you won’t even
o How to Forgive an Emotional Affair
be able to get her to end the
o The Emotional Affair Quiz
affair… You’ll have to wait for her
 My Wife Cheated On Me, What Now?
to do it of her own accord.
 Why Did My Wife Cheat on Me?
But, just like with any other
 How to Forgive a Cheating Wife
obstacle, you can control your
response to her affair. If you become the kind of man she can’t say no to, then she’s
much more likely to stay.
Again, we have an entire chapter about this, so I’ll leave most of the affair advice until
then.
In the meantime, you can find a collection of affair-related blog posts on Husband Help
Haven in the box above.
Internal Obstacles
These are the obstacles that come from within your marriage. These are the classic
marriage problems that many, many men struggle with.

Communication
Communication is so important that the entire second part of this book is dedicated to
mastering leader-like communication in your marriage. You’re going to be sick of
hearing about communication by the end of this book, so I’m not going to say much
about it right here.
For now, let’s just say that you aren’t the only guy who struggles with understanding
your wife’s needs and speaking your mind effectively.
Nice Guy Syndrome

Nice Guy Syndrome is a classic way that passive-aggressive men try to control the
people around them, and it happens all the time in marriage. I’m guilty of this myself
sometimes.
Basically, Nice Guy Syndrome is when you’re nice to someone with the expectation that
they will be nice to you in return. It’s a form of conditional love (as opposed to
unconditional love). It’s a devastating obstacle in a marriage because it prevents you
from taking responsibility for the problems in your relationship. After all, you’re a nice
husband; what more does your wife want?
We’ll talk more about Nice Guy Syndrome and the best way to be kind without being
passive-aggressive in Chapter 12 about affection.
Criticism
Disagreements are just part of marriage. Inevitably, you or your wife will do something
that the other spouse doesn’t like. How do you ask the other person to change their
behavior without offending them or hurting their feelings?
The correct response to these disagreements is to isolate the specific behavior that’s
causing the problem and to ask your spouse to change that specific behavior in a
positive, results-oriented way. Then, you can encourage them and thank them when
they carry it through.

What usually happens instead is that one spouse attacks the other spouse’s character
instead of their behavior. In other words, you criticize the person, not the problem, and
that leads to contempt and unhappiness.
I actually have an entire blog post all about this. You might want to check it out… It’s
called The Real Reason Your Wife is Bossy.
Sexpectations
Earlier we learned that domestic duties, money and parenting are three of the most
common sources of marriage problems. Well, the fourth most common source of
marriage problems is sex. Or, more accurately, expectations about sex; what I like to call
sexpectations.
Over the years, I’ve heard all kinds of sex-related problems. I’ve heard from men who
expect more sex than they’re getting, from men who can’t seem to be intimate with their
wife, and from men who have performance problems due to stress. But whatever the
specific problem may be, it usually goes back to expectations in the bedroom.
We’ll talk more about sex and intimacy in Chapter 6 when we discuss areas of husbandly
leadership.
Blame & Forgiveness

Forgiveness is perhaps the most challenging part of being married, and forgiveness goes
hand-in-hand with blame. When a couple struggles with forgiveness, the result is blame.
If you’ve read the 10 Steps to Gain Husbandly Leadership course, you know that blame
can be one of the most poisonous problems in a marriage. It will continue to stand in
your way until you learn to overcome it, both for your wife and for yourself.
Just like many of the other obstacles, we’ll talk a lot more about blame and forgiveness
later on in this book. In fact, Chapter 14 is titled ‘Forgiveness’ – we have an entire
chapter about it.

Marriage Problems &
Results Identification Exercise
(Estimated time: 20 minutes)
Every marriage is different. The obstacles you’ll face on your journey towards husbandly
leadership are much different than the obstacles that I’ve faced and will face in my own
marriage.
Even if I could tell you exactly what problems you’ll face in your marriage, part of
becoming a good husband and leader is being able to identify and overcome these
problems on your own. You have to learn to trust your gut and implement your own
decisions.
So, here’s what I want you to do. It’s really easy:
1. Get out two pieces of paper. (Or print out the PDF worksheet that came with the
course, “Chapter 4 – Marriage Problems Worksheets”)
2. Draw a line straight down the middle of both sheets. At the top of the left column
on both sheets, write ‘Problems’. Write ‘Results’ at the top of the right column on
Sheet 1. Write ‘My Answers’ at the top of the right column on Sheet 2.
3. On Sheet 1 under Problems, write down every single problem or obstacle that you
have faced in your marriage over the past six months.
4. On Sheet 2 under Problems, write down every single problem or obstacle that
you’ll need to overcome now and in the future to make your marriage healthy and
keep it that way. It’s okay if there’s some overlap here.
5. On Sheet 1 under Results, write down the impact that each of those past problems
had on your marriage. How did they affect your relationship with your wife?
6. On Sheet 2 under My Answers, write down a short description of how you intend
to solve each problem. (Don’t have an answer yet? That’s okay – hold onto this
sheet and write down your answers as they come to you throughout the rest of the
book.)

The point of this exercise is to (A) develop a clear understanding of what specific
problems have damaged your marriage and (B) to start thinking strategically about how
you’ll deal with the obstacles standing between you and a happy marriage.
Marriage Problems vs. Marriage Opportunities

After going through this exercise, you might feel discouraged.
Maybe you had so many problems that you needed to get an extra piece of paper to write
them all down… Or maybe you couldn’t think of any answers to your future problems.
Either way, don’t be discouraged. In fact, if anything, it should be a relief that there are a
lot of problems in your marriage, or that you have so much left to learn about husbandly
leadership.
Why?
Because every marriage problem you face is an opportunity to prove your

worth as a husband.
Let me tell you a story to illustrate this point:
A couple months ago, I noticed that HusbandHelpHaven.com was loading

extremely slowly. Using a stopwatch, I found it took a solid 11 seconds just to load
the home page! As a result, I was losing hundreds if not thousands of visitors
every month because people didn’t want to sit around for 11 seconds waiting for
my website to load (hey, I don’t blame them).
So, I hired a programmer to help me diagnose what was wrong with my website
and to improve its loading speed. I was shocked when, after looking through the
code, he came back with a long list of over 30 different problems that were all
making my site load super slowly.
Apparently I was doing a LOT of things wrong that were all adding up to make
my site almost unusably slow. He also told me that my goal should be to load the
home page in under 2 seconds!

I was extremely discouraged. These problems were things that would’ve been
really obvious to someone who knew more about programming than me, and I
had a TON of work to do to get my website’s loading speed down to his 2-second
goal.
That’s when my programmer said something that stuck with me. He said…
“Actually Jacob, it’s a GOOD thing that we found all these problems.
It would be worse if I couldn’t find anything wrong, because that
would mean you’d be stuck with a slow website forever. Having lots
of problems just means you have lots of room for improvement.”
Wow.
This is exactly how you should be thinking about your marriage right now!
Yes, there are a lot of problems. In fact, now that you’ve taken the time to think about it,
there are probably a lot more problems than you first realized.
But, that’s actually a good thing!
It would be much worse is if you DIDN’T see any problems in your marriage, because
then there would be no room for improvement. You’d be stuck with a crappy marriage
with no possible way of fixing it.
Instead, all the problems you see right now are actually opportunities for you to get your
wife back. That needs to be your mindset moving forward.
And you know what? It took a lot of work, but I did finally get HusbandHelpHaven.com
to load in under 2 seconds! Check it out:

Remember, this first part of the book is all about understanding the dynamics of a
healthy, happy marriage. As we said earlier, these internal and external obstacles are
part of every marriage… The difference is that in a healthy marriage, love is sturdily at
the center of the relationship. That makes it possible for a husband and wife to use these
obstacles as opportunities to increase their love for each other.
In an unhealthy marriage, love isn’t at the center, so these problems are just that –
problems.

 As the husbandly leader, you have many obstacles both inside and outside the
marriage.
 These obstacles are thrown at every marriage. Healthy marriages overcome
them and grow from them, while unhealthy marriages ignore them and let
them fester. The one thing that all these enemies/obstacles have in common is
that they will tear your marriage apart if you let them fester.
 By increasing your awareness of the obstacles that will stand in the way of a
happy marriage, you will help you…
o Prepare yourself to face each problem head-on
o Make good decisions about what areas of y0ur life to focus on
o Have an accurate view of where your marriage is at right now
 With every problem, the most important thing to remember is to focus on
what you can control.
 If your marriage is on the rocks and you can see a LOT of problems that need
to be fixed, that’s actually a good thing… It just means you have more room for
improvement!

Chapter 5. Why Husbandly Leadership Isn’t
Just for Alpha Males
Our culture often tells us that only alpha males can be leaders.
The truth is, you don’t have to be an athlete, a successful
businessman or a lumberjack to be a good husbandly leader. This
chapter is all about what separates husbandly leadership from
other types of leadership, and why all men have equal potential to
lead their marriage.
“But Jacob, some men just aren’t meant to be leaders…”
This is one of the most common objections I hear when I tell people that husbandly
leadership is a requirement for a happy marriage.
Maybe this same objection is running through your head right now. Do you feel like
you’re not cut out for leadership? Let’s get this out of the way up front:
It doesn’t matter what type of man you see when you look in the
mirror. You don’t have to be an extroverted, charismatic alpha-type to
be the husband of her dreams.
In this chapter we’ll learn what separates a good husband in marriage from a good
leader in the corporate world, and why even the strongest, most dominant women still
want a leader for a husband.
The Difference Between a Corporate Executive,

an Alpha Male & a Husbandly Leader
Not all men are made to be CEOs. Not all men are made to be the head of their own law
firm, or the manager of a business. Heck, some of the men reading this are stay-at-home
dads!

This isn’t just because these men don’t have the skills to fill these roles, it’s because they
don’t have the personality traits required for corporate leadership. Myself included… I’d
make a terrible CEO.
And yet, these same men who aren’t cut out for corporate leadership – and yes I’m
talking about guys like you and me – must come home and lead their marriage and
family, no matter what they do during the day.
So, this can only mean one thing: There has to be a difference between corporate
leadership and husbandly leadership. Let’s take a look…
Traits of a Corporate Leader:

What does it take to succeed in the corporate world? What traits do you need to lead
people in the workplace? These are common traits of a corporate leader:
Results-Oriented – Your job is to make sure the people below you meet the
overarching goals of the business. You need to see the core objectives of the
business and convert those into specific tasks for your team to carry out.
Ruthless – Since results are your top priority, if someone below you isn’t
performing up to standard, it’s your job to remove them and find a suitable
replacement.
Self-Centered – Climbing the corporate ladder requires self-centered ambition.

You have to be your top priority, followed by the needs of the company, followed
by the needs of your employees.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with this; I’m not condemning it. But there’s
also no denying it… When it’s down to you or that other guy for the big
promotion, you’ll be rooting for yourself 10 times out of 10.
Highly Skilled – No explanation needed here… Whatever it is you do, you’re

really good at it. That’s how you got to the top.

Deadline Driven – Again, self-explanatory. Every project has a deadline, and it
falls on you if your team fails to meet it.
Precise – You can’t afford to make mistakes; you’ve got too much responsibility
for that. A corporate leader’s mistakes do a lot more damage than a mid- to low-
level employee’s mistakes. Because of that, corporate leaders learn to be precise.
Confident – You must stand behind your decisions and take responsibility for
their results, both good and bad.
This list isn’t meant to be offensive to corporate leaders. I don’t have any ethical
objection to the structure and priorities of the corporate world. This list is simply meant
to showcase the traits required of a high-level corporate executive or manager versus
those of a husbandly leader.
But, before we talk about traits of a husbandly leader, let’s talk about that loaded term
we’ve all heard so many times – the mythical “alpha male”.
What is an “Alpha Male”?

There are a bunch of different definitions for the term “Alpha Male” out there. So, before
we compare an alpha male to a husbandly leader, we need to know exactly what we’re
talking about.
Wrong Definition: The Modern White Knight

Some websites (like this one, this one, this one and this one) liken the Alpha Male to the
medieval white knight…
They paint a picture of an alpha male as a man who’s chivalrous, passionate and
unshakably confident all at the same time. But, he’s also never controlling, arrogant or
negative. He takes challenges head-on and doesn’t flinch in the face of failure. But, let’s
be real – this alpha male NEVER really fails.
This definition is wrong.

This new-fangled definition of an alpha male is generic feel-good nonsense that doesn’t
have any anthropological weight. That’s not to say these aren’t good principles to strive
for, but nobody is going to be all of those things, so it’s hard to apply this type of advice
in real-life.
The truth is that the modern “alpha male” trend is just a new type of self-improvement
initiative targeted at young men who simultaneously want to get laid while feeling
superior to other men. This definition is NOT the type of alpha male I’m talking about.
Right Definition: The Dominant Male

In anthropology, the alpha male is
the most dominant male in a pack
or tribe. It may be because he’s the
strongest, the biggest or the
meanest, but whatever the reason,
he’s on top. Because of that, he gets
his choice of mates, food and land.
In modern society, true alpha

males are usually charismatic, outgoing and controlling. They tend to be physically fit
and successful, but not always. They make confident, natural leaders, and they’re
usually the ones who rise to the top in both business and social circles… But not by being
all-around ‘good guys’ without any flaws.
Traits of an Alpha Male:

Now that we’ve seen traits of a corporate leader, let’s look at these traits of an alpha
male and compare him to our ideal husbandly leader:
Performance-Oriented – Much like the corporate leader, the stereotypical

alpha male is driven by performance and results. But, while the corporate leader
measures performance based on revenue and profits, the standard alpha male

measures performance based on his social status or the number of women he’s
slept with.
Ruled By Sex – If you’re interested in becoming an alpha male, what are you
really interested in? Having more sex. Hey, I can’t blame you, and there’s
nothing wrong with wanting to have more sex with your wife, but a marriage is
more than that. In fact, this high priority on sex can make monogamy very
challenging for alpha males.
Pass or Fail – By definition, an alpha male either is or is not; there’s no room in

between. He’s either on top (pass) or he’s anywhere else that’s not on top (fail).
This puts a ton of pressure on the alpha male because he fears what will happen
if/when he fails.
Isolated – It sounds a little counter-intuitive, but true alpha males live an

isolated lifestyle. In their friendships, they have to be the best. In their career,
they have to be the best. In their relationships, they have to be the best.
Are you starting to see a pattern?
True alpha males actually have a really hard time relating to other people. And
for anyone who thinks alpha males relate well to other alpha men, just tell me the
last time you saw a group of dogs with TWO dominant males. There can only be
one.
Proud – Pride is a tricky thing because it comes in many forms…
When an alpha male is on top, his pride looks like arrogance. His pride
says, “Look at me, I deserve to be on top because I’m the best.”
When an alpha male is on bottom, his pride looks like self-pity. His
pride says, “Look at me, I deserve to be on top… Since I’m not, that can only
mean that the world is against me.”

In both cases, the proud man is blind to his faults and won’t take responsibility
for his failures.
Just look at each of these traits… Do they look like the traits you’d want in a husband?
Does this man really have any natural advantage when it comes to being a good
husband?
No. Not at all.
And here’s where we get to the crux of the issue, and why husbandly leadership applies
to more than just alpha males:
Alpha Males FAIL to Lead Their Marriage

Just As Often as “Beta” Males
Alpha males can still be good husbandly leaders, sure, but leadership inside a marriage
requires a completely different set of traits than those possessed by both the corporate
leader and the alpha male.
In fact, I’d wager that if you’re an alpha male, you will have a harder time adjusting to
the structure of a healthy marriage than non-alphas. Typically, the alpha males I get
emails from have waited wayyyy too long to ask for help. As a result, they must
overcome much bigger challenges in their marriage.
That being said, if you’re an alpha male, don’t be discouraged. You CAN fulfil your role
as a husbandly leader and get your wife back. The whole point of this chapter is that
ANYBODY can do this; all it takes is awareness, dedication and time.
Traits of a Good Husbandly Leader:

Now that we’ve seen the common traits of a corporate leader and an alpha male, let’s
remind ourselves what a good husbandly leader looks like. This is sort of an extension of
what we talked about in Chapter 1:

Actively Seeks Happiness – Above all, a husbandly leader wants the best life
for his wife and family. He wants them to be happy and content, and everything
he does is working towards that one goal.
Selfless – The way you measure success as a husbandly leader is by the

contentment of your wife and family. That means you can’t afford to focus on
yourself. Your priorities are your wife first, your kids second and yourself third.
Servant-Leadership – The role of the husband is one of few leadership roles

where being a good leader also means being a good servant. A husbandly leader’s
chief job is to listen, fill needs, nurture growth and provide love.
Patient & Forgiving – The good husband is a bottomless fountain of mercy,

patience and forgiveness. His wife and family NEVER doubt that he truly loves
them unconditionally. This patience is his source of strength, and it comes from
recognizing his own flaws and being able to empathize with the struggles of
others.
Now that we know what makes a good husbandly leader, we’re going to finish up the
chapter by answering the most common objections to husbandly leadership I’ve heard
over the years.
Objection 1.
Introverted Men Who Hate Conflict
Can’t Be Good Husbandly Leaders
Some people say that introverted men and guys who avoid conflict shouldn’t be expected
to lead their marriage.
Want to hear a secret?
I hate conflict. I avoid it at all costs.

Speaking my mind when I have something negative or uncomfortable to say is a HUGE
struggle.
When my wife and I get into one of those

arguments that can’t be resolved unless I
speak my mind, I literally have to ask her
to give me a minute… I have to mentally
psyche myself up to get the guts to say
what I’m really thinking. I have to tell
her, “Give me a minute, I need to think
about what I want to say.”
And you know what?
She does give me a minute, and I do say what I’m really thinking. My introverted
personality, my natural aversion to conflict, my people-pleasing nature… None of that
matters because in the end I do what must be done because I know I need to. I say what
needs to be said, even though it doesn’t come naturally to me. And my wife respects me
for it.
I want you to skim through that list of husbandly leader traits up there one more time…
Done?
Now, tell me, do you think that you have to be an extrovert to do any of those things?
Looking at those traits, do you think it’s IMPOSSIBLE for an introvert to lead his
marriage?
Of course not. If you’re an introverted guy, you can and should still be the leader in your
marriage.
And guess what?
Just like the alpha male, there’ll be some parts of husbandly leadership that you’ll
struggle with. Nobody’s perfect, especially when most of us guys don’t even know what

“perfect” means in a marriage. But even though it’s a struggle, you’ll find a way to make
it work. After all, that’s what you’re here for! That’s why this book exists.
Whether you’re an introvert or extrovert; alpha type or beta type; natural leader or
natural follower… We ALL have to learn to do the stuff we’re bad at – the stuff we don’t
like doing – in our marriage.
Objection 2.
You Can’t Lead Your Wife if You’re
a Stay-at-Home Dad
Being a stay-at-home dad is a challenge; no doubt about that. For some men, it’s so
challenging that they feel hamstrung, like they can’t live up to their potential as a
husband and leader.
My dad was a stay-at-home dad, so I’ve seen firsthand how difficult it is to find
fulfillment and feel like a leader when you’re the one in charge of running the house.
… But, in the end, it doesn’t matter how hard it is. You must find a way to lead your
marriage. Or else you won’t have a marriage to lead.
I know I’m starting to sound like a broken record here, but these are all real-life
objections that I’ve heard about husbandly leadership. I want to get them allllll out of
the way.
Keep in mind that as a stay-at-home dad, the specific tasks you’ll have to do to fulfill
your role as the leader will be different from the guy who works outside the house all day
to bring home the bacon. But, the core mindset and principles are exactly the same.

Objection 3.
Strong Women Don’t Want a Leader at Home
When someone says that “some men just aren’t meant to lead,” there’s another hidden
objection behind that statement. It’s that “some women just aren’t meant to follow”.
When most people say that there are exceptions to husbandly leadership, they usually
envision a wimpy guy married to a strong-willed, confident businesswoman.
She’s the boss at work. She’s highly organized. She’s self-sufficient and independent. She
doesn’t need a husbandly leader at home because she IS the leader in anything and
everything she does.
That assumption couldn’t be further from the truth…
Despite what most people assume, this strong woman wants a strong man at home even
more than most!
In fact, that strong woman you pictured is more likely to ask for a divorce BECAUSE she
has such high expectations for her husband. Strong women have a much lower tolerance
for flaky, inconsistent and inconsiderate men.
For example, take this quote from an article by Elizabeth Stone on YourTango.com:
“I started noticing how common it is for motivated, career-oriented women

to have problems gaining and maintaining romantic relationships with
strong, worthy, men. They seem to have everything going for them in the
workplace but when they go home, something is missing.”
More than anyone else, strong women want a strong man at home. Even though they’d
never say it, these women actually look down on weak, dependent men. A strong woman
will be totally unhappy if she has to be the leader at work AND at home.

Husbandly Leadership is for EVERYONE!
Hopefully now you can see that husbandly leadership really and truly applies to
everyone. All women want a leader at home, and all men have the potential to lead their
marriage.
It doesn’t matter whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert, an A-type or a B-type, a

CEO or a stay-at-home dad… Every husband is expected to lead his marriage with love
and confidence.

 There is a huge difference between the traits required to be a corporate leader,
an alpha male and a husbandly leader. They are not the same.
 The stereotypical alpha male does NOT have a natural advantage when it
comes to husbandly leadership. If anything, he has a harder time with it than
most men because of his need to be on top.
 Every husband must live up to the leadership role inside marriage, or else the
marriage will decay. No exceptions.
 You can be introverted, bad at confrontation or a stay-at-home dad and STILL
be a great husbandly leader that your wife adores and respects.
 Contrary to popular belief, strong women want a confident husbandly leader
even more than the typical housewife.

Chapter 6. The Seven Areas of Husbandly
Leadership
This chapter takes all the guesswork out of husbandly leadership
and paints a clear picture of your responsibilities as head of your
marriage. You’ll learn seven different areas of the marriage that
you’re expected to take charge of as your wife’s leader.
By now, you know that you need to be the leader inside your marriage, but what exactly
does that mean? What does it look like to be a good husbandly leader? What are your
specific responsibilities?
In my opinion and through my research, I’ve found seven core areas of husbandly
leadership that each and every one of us should strive to master.
In this chapter, we’re going to examine each of those seven areas and see what it looks
like when you carry out your leadership in each area effectively.
The seven areas of husbandly leadership are:
 Vision
 Well-Being
 Finances
 Parenting
 Intimacy & Affection
 Communication
 Domestic Duties (aka. Chores)
Before we go any further, I want to make a couple disclaimers here…
First, marriage is like a hiking trip… The journey towards your goal (a happy marriage)
is just as important as the goal itself. What I mean by this is that your goal shouldn’t be
to completely master of each area of husbandly leadership… Instead, this chapter is
meant to educate you about leadership responsibilities so that you can identify where
your own leadership needs improvement.

Second, it’s important to recognize that if your marriage is on the rocks, you may not be
able to apply your leadership in each and every one of these areas. For example, if your
wife is cold and distant, you’re going to have a hard time mastering the area of intimacy
and affection.
Again, the goal here isn’t to create the perfect marriage overnight… The goal is to give
you clear metrics that you can use to measure your progress as you grow into your
leadership role.
With that being said, let’s jump in!
Leadership Area 1.
VISION
Do you have a vision for your marriage?
Do you have a clear goal, or an ideal relationship

that you’re working towards?
Do you have a plan for the future of your

marriage?
Vision is perhaps the most important area of

husbandly leadership. If your marriage is a ship and you’re the captain, then it’s your job
to plot the course. It’s your job to be able to look into the horizon and know where you’re
going to end up.
After reading this book, you should have a very clear vision for your marriage. You will
know exactly what you want your ideal marriage to look like. As the leader, it’s your job
to constantly make sure that your marriage is on course towards your vision.
And this brings us to another point, which is that vision doesn’t just mean that you have
an end goal… It also means you know how to get there. Having a vision for your
marriage allows you to identify weaknesses, and address potential problems before they
fester and create problems. If you need help with this, refer back to Exercise 1 that we

did in Chapter 4 (that’s the one where we brainstormed past and future problems in
your marriage, along with potential solutions).
As the husband, your vision for your marriage must also align with what your wife wants
out of life. Again, if you’re the captain of your ship, then your passengers should be able
to trust you to get them where they want to go. It completely defeats the purpose if your
vision is a vision that only YOU want… It needs to be one that your wife wants too.
The next chapter is all about setting goals, so we’ll be talking a lot more about
developing a clear vision for your marriage there.
For now, recognize that having a vision for your marriage is YOUR responsibility. It’s
your job to plot out your future. It’s your job to know what really matters to your wife so
that you can make sure your marriage is headed in a direction that gets you there.
Leadership Area 2.
WELL-BEING
Well-being… What does it mean?
Vision and well-being often go hand-in-hand. Your vision for your marriage often
includes positive things for your family’s well-being – you want to see them happy and
content.
Also like vision, this area of husbandly leadership can be difficult to put into words. It’s
not like finances or domestic duties, where there are clearly defined real-world tasks
that go along with it. There’s no checklist here that you can reference to make sure that
you’re leading when it comes to well-being; it’s something you have to figure out on your
own.
That being said, there are three types of well-being that must all be accounted for inside
your marriage:

 Physical Well-Being – This covers all the survival basics. Does your wife and
your family have enough food to eat? Clothes to wear? Do they have a place to
sleep and water to drink? Physical well-being covers everything that affects your
family’s physical health and wellness.
 Mental Well-Being – It could be more accurate to call this ‘intellectual well-

being’. Basically, does your wife feel challenged? Does she feel stimulated? Does
she feel like her mind and talents are being used inside the marriage? Is she
growing as a person and learning new things? Is she meeting her goals? Is she
contributing?
If you have kids, this applies to them too. After all, husbandly leadership applies
to the whole family, not just you and your wife.
 Emotional Well-Being – Is your wife happy? Is she content? Does she feel at
peace with her place in life? Does she feel loved, wanted and needed? Does she
feel like her life has meaning? Same goes for your kids if you have them.
Emotional well-being is what most people associate with the term “well-being”.
As the husband, it’s your job to monitor and look out for your wife’s physical, mental
and emotional well-being. If any one of these is out of whack, it’s your job to figure out
why and fix it.
… Which actually brings us to an important point.
This area of leadership showcases the fact that being a leader means you have
unique responsibilities. It is NOT your wife’s job to look out for your well-being; it is
YOUR job to look out for her well-being.
Of course, it is partially her job to look out for your children’s well-being, and she has a
vested interest in her own well-being. But your well-being is not her problem,
whereas her well-being IS your problem.

Make sense?
Yes, I know it’s not fair, but I never said that husbandly leadership was fair. I said it was
hard. I said it was fulfilling. But it’s not fair.
If your wife is separated or if she wants divorce, then I can guarantee you that you’ve
failed in the area of well-being. This is especially true if your wife is having a midlife
crisis. Because your wife is discontent, she’s taking her well-being into her own hands.
That doesn’t mean your S.O.L. – we’ll talk more about separation and what you can do
as a husbandly leader to get your wife back in the third part of this book.
Leadership Area 3.
FINANCES
Ahh, finally we have an easy-to-define area of
husbandly leadership.
As the husband, finances are your

responsibility. When push comes to shove,
it’s your job to provide for your family.
“But Jacob, I thought that it was

possible for stay-at-home dads to
lead their marriage?”
Yes! It absolutely is.
Just because finances are your responsibility doesn’t mean that you have to be the sole
breadwinner… Even if you’re not the one actually making the money, you can still take
on the responsibility of making sure ends meet.
As a husband, it’s your job to make sure that the money coming in is more
than the money going out.

That being said, if your wife is currently the breadwinner and, God forbid, she loses her
job, it’s your duty to get out and find a way to bring home more bacon.
If there’s ever a time when you and your wife’s income isn’t enough to meet the needs of
your family, it’s YOUR job to find a way to make more money. Whether that means
mowing lawns, doing odd jobs or borrowing money from your parents, it’s your
responsibility to suck it up and find a way to put food on the table.
Do you have to be the sole provider to master financial leadership?
No.
Can you master this area of husbandly leadership if your wife is the only income earner?
Yes.
If you and your wife ever go broke and run out of money, is it your job to figure out a
way to make ends meet?
Yes!
I hope this makes sense… It’s really not that complicated. Basically, you need to know
the financial status of your family and you need to make sure that there’s enough money
in the bank to live on.
I’m not saying it’s your job to go out and get rich. I’m not a wealthy
businessman; I don’t make a ton of money. In fact, I probably have a lower yearly
income than most of you reading this book, and I’m still the sole provider for our family.
I’m also not an accountant… I don’t know any secret legal loopholes to pay minimal
taxes. There’s nothing secret about it. I’ve read a few books about money management
(Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey is my favorite), I’m a hard worker, and I know
where our money needs to go. We keep a pretty tight budget and we don’t take a ton of
vacations, but the end result is that we’re financially stable. Even though I make less
than most of you reading this book, my wife still trusts me to provide for our family.

And that’s really what it comes down to… Your wife needs to TRUST you to take care of
the family. When she trusts you to keep food on the table in both the good times and the
bad, then you’ve fulfilled your duty in this area of husbandly leadership.
A Quick Word on Work, Priorities & Fulfilment

Sometimes, we need a reminder about the purpose of work in our lives and what its
priority should be in relation to our family. Believe it or not, there is such a thing as
putting too high a priority on your finances and career. There is such a thing as working
too much.
How do you know when you’re working too much?
Basically, you know you’re working too much if…
 … Your wife is consistently overwhelmed by the amount of work she has to do at

home, or if she’s consistently frustrated with the limited amount of help you can
offer her with parenting, domestic duties, etc…
 … You ever get the feeling that your wife or children feel like they’re a lower
priority than your job…
 … You’re staying late at the office even after your family requests you to come
home…
 … You’re more concerned about saving up for a vacation or a new car than you
are about courting your wife and making sure she knows she’s loved…
… Then you’re working too much.
Even though I know – and YOU know – that your family and wife is your top priority, if
you don’t show it to them on a regular basis, then it may as well not be.
Remember, the only reason that we work at all is to support our families and to give
them the things they need to thrive. But, the most important thing us men need to
provide for our wives and families is love and assurance of value. And that’s more
important than any material possession.

In other words, our wives and children need to KNOW they’re our top priority, certainly
more so than an inflated bank account or career achievements. And, for most of us, your
career cannot give you true fulfilment. Your family, your children, your wife, your
marriage… These are the things that you will treasure on your death bed. These are the
things that matter.
Now, I’m not saying that you’re only allowed to work 40 hours per week and that if you
work more than that, then you’re a bad husband and father. Not at all! But, if you’re one
of those guys who typically works 60-80 hours per week (or even 100+ hours), you need
to take extra special care to make every second at home count. You cannot allow yourself
to be tired. You cannot allow yourself to “check out” in front of the computer or the
television as soon as you get home. You have to be engaged, active and loving for your
wife and children, even though you won’t want to.
Your best self can’t be the person you are at work; your best self MUST be
the person you are at home.
Does that make sense?
For most men, this isn’t even an issue and you can just ignore it. But, I’ve gotten several
emails over the years from men who really and truly work too much, and it causes
problems. That’s who this is for.
Remember, if you normally only get 10 or 15 hours a week at home with your wife
and/or kids, then getting home even an hour or two early every now and then will make
a big relative difference. And again, the less time you have at home, the more important
it is to make every second at home count.
Okay! Moving onto the next area of husbandly leadership…

Leadership Area 4.
PARENTING
When I say that you need to lead in parenting, I don’t mean that you need to be the
primary caretaker of your children. I’m
The difference between biological
not saying that you need to spend more
time with your children than your wife paternity and fatherhood is that
does. I’m not even saying that you need paternity produces a child;
to make all of the hard parenting fatherhood produces an adult.
decisions.
But, you are “the dad”. When it comes to parenting, the buck stops with you. Your kids
should know not to question your authority. Not because you’re mean or stern with
them, but because they respect you and they know that your word is firm.
I’m not telling you to be the stereotypical hard-ass dad that demands respect, even if it’s
not deserved. No; be loving and kind-hearted and genuine with your children. But you
also need to be the authority figure.
Or, perhaps this is the better way to put it…
It’s your job to show your children what good leadership looks like. You need
to be the father who both talks the talk and walks the walk.
That being said, leading in parenting will look different for each individual marriage. In
general, though, there are a few best
practices to keep in mind:
First, make sure that your wife is not

overwhelmed with parenting. If it ever
seems like your wife has too much on her
plate, step in and give her a break from the
kids. Encourage her to grab some quiet time
while you hold down the fort.

Second, have clear goals and vision for your children’s upbringing. Just like
it’s up to you to have a vision for your marriage and your wife, you also need to have a
vision for your children and their upbringing. The reason that this is important is
because when you and your wife face important parenting decisions, you need to use
that vision to identify the best decision to make.
Third, you need to lead in the “hard part” of parenting. Talking about the birds
and the bees, disciplining your kids, saying “no” when the answer is no… These are all
things that you as the father need to be able to do confidently and with a plan.
As the father, you need to be the rock that your wife can rely on.
 If there’s something that your children need, she should trust that you can
provide it.
 If your children don’t like a certain decision, she needs to be able to say “because
dad said so” and have that statement carry weight.
 When your kids inevitably get in trouble, she needs to trust that you’ll be the one
to discipline them firmly, but with love.
 When your children face a difficulty in life – whether that’s a bully or a failed
exam – your wife needs to see you being the one to encourage them and pick
them back up.
Basically, you’re responsible for making sure your children get the type of childhood that
both you and your wife want them to have.
If you want your children to grow up in a loving home, it’s your job to make sure that
your home is loving. If you want your children to grow up with a strong work ethic, it’s
your job to give them opportunities to work hard and show them what hard work looks
like. And so on and so forth. Whatever you want for your kids, it’s your job to make it
happen.

Leadership Area 5.
INTIMACY & AFFECTION
Let’s get this out of the way upfront: Your job is to initiate sex, yes… Your job is to
initiate affection, yes… But your job is to NOT expect sex and still be able to lead in sex
with clear intention and desire.
Easy, right?
Not quite.
Entire books have been written about intimacy and affection inside a marriage. Perhaps
someday I’ll add a book of my own to that collection. For now though, there are a few
key points that you need to know about this area of husbandly leadership…
If you’ve read through the 10 Steps to Gain Husbandly

Leadership e-course, you’ll remember that the last step is
to Woo Her Like a Slow Cooker. I highly suggest you go
back and read that sometime if you haven’t already.
For now, let’s start at the beginning – initiation. As the

husband, it’s your job to initiate intimacy and
affection with your wife.
When I say ‘intimacy and affection’, I’m not just talking

about sex here. Intimacy isn’t just sex; it’s openness, and
it doesn’t just have to be physical even though that’s
what we typically associate with it. Similarly, affection is
more than just hugs and kisses; affection includes kind words and deeds too.
But, why does this distinction matter?
The Difference Between Intimacy vs Sex (and why it matters)

There’s a really important reason that it’s important to differentiate between sex and
intimacy…

Since most of the men reading this book are facing a damaged marriage, you may be at a
place with your wife where sex simply isn’t an option. The distance between you and
your wife may be so great that she simply won’t have sex with you.
What should you do?
Or, maybe you are having sex with your wife, but not as often as you would like. What
should you do?
In either case, do you think the answer is for you to try and forcefully initiate sex more
often?
No!
In both cases, trying to initiate sex alone more frequently or more aggressively will only
push your wife away.
But, what if instead of focusing on having more sex, you focused on initiating intimacy?
Affection? Openness?
The way to have more sex in your marriage is NOT to try and have more sex. The way to
be a good husbandly leader in the bedroom is NOT to try and get your wife in the
bedroom.
A good husbandly leader isn’t focused on sex at all because he recognizes that sex is the
natural result of intimacy. If you foster intimacy, sex will follow. When your wife feels
most open with you, most trusting, and most loved… That’s when she most wants to
have sex with you.
Adjusting Expectations in a Sex-Filled World

Sex is everywhere. It’s in everything.
This may be a cliché thing to say, but it’s true. Over the next week, keep track of just how
much sexuality you’re exposed to. For one week, try to keep yourself from seeing a
woman in sexually suggestive clothing. Try to avoid hearing about sex or being provoked
into thinking about sex. You’ll quickly see just how difficult it is to avoid…

 Sex is used in advertisements, both online and on TV
 It’s in TV shows and movies and YouTube videos
 It’s in your grocery store and your gas station
 It’s in our fashion trends
 It’s in our everyday conversations
 It’s in music, even the “safe” music on the radio
 Not to mention the easy access of porn and strip clubs
Sex is everywhere. Seriously. It’s almost mind-boggling.
Most of us don’t think about it very often, but the omnipresence of sex actually has a big
impact on how we think about sex inside our own relationships. Being constantly
exposed to sexual material creates outside expectations inside your own marriage. It
makes you think, “Sex is a part of life, and everything around me says that I should be
having lots of it. Everyone else is having tons of sex, why can’t I?”
In other words, our society has manufactured an expectation for sex that’s crept its way
into the modern marriage. Most men think that if they’re not having sex two or three
times a week – if not more – then they have a “bad sex life”.
Look, I’m not saying that you should be perfectly happy with a sexless marriage. I’m not
even saying that sex is a privilege… By definition, marriage and sex go hand-in-hand. In
the olden days, a marriage wasn’t official until it was consummated in the bedroom!
But!
You can’t let your sexual appetite come before your wife.
Let me tell you a story about my own marriage…
The True Meaning of Sex

One of the hardest lessons I had to learn in my own marriage was to stop expecting sex.
In the early days of our marriage, my wife and I actually got into several sizeable fights
because I kept trying to initiate sex. I never forced her to do anything or begged or

anything like that, but I did make her feel like sex was an expectation. I made her feel
pressured. And it caused problems.
Why?
Because sex is a lot less appealing for your wife

when it’s something she feels REQUIRED to do.
When your wife feels like you expect sex from her,
she’s a whole lot less likely to actually have it with
you.
And here’s where we come to the core meaning of

sex…
Sex is an expression of affection.

A man and a woman have sex when they feel completely comfortable with each other.
Sex is the most intimate act that two people can engage in… It is literally
becoming one together.
Ulterior Motives
So, when SHOULD you initiate sex?
I warn against ulterior motives
When the time is right.
multiple times throughout this book.
When your wife is clearly in the mood and What does it mean?
you’ve already set the tone with intimacy,
An ulterior motive is like a
then yes, it’s your job to initiate sex. When
hidden agenda. When I say you
you can feel that you and your wife both
have an ulterior motive for doing
want it equally… When you have that feeling
something, it means that you do it
of closeness that desperately needs to be
partly because you think you’ll get
expressed physically… That’s when you’ll
some advantage from doing it.
know it’s time to get things into the
bedroom.
Like I said, entire books have been written on the subject of intimacy and sex in
marriage. We’ll talk a lot more about affection in Chapter 12.

For now, all you need to know is that if you want to have more sex with your wife, don’t
focus on getting her into the bedroom… Focus on making her feel truly loved for who
she is.
This is the true difference between proper intimacy and expectation:
 Intimacy is genuinely heartfelt; it is affection that is expressed with no

ulterior motive. It’s your honest pursuit of closeness with your wife. If intimacy
leads to sex, awesome. If it doesn’t, awesome; you still showed your wife that you
love her.
 Expectation is wholly selfish; it is affection that is expressed for the sole
purpose of getting in her pants.
As the husband, it’s your job to lead in intimacy, not in expectations. Make intimacy and
affection your primary goal, and a healthy sex life will naturally follow.
Adjusting Sexpectations
Going back to my example, do you know how I finally resolved my wife and I’s sex
problem? How did I get her to stop feeling like I expected sex all the time?
1. First, I realized that she was right – I was expecting sex. The way that I
was approaching her with my intentions was more forceful and blatant than she
liked, and so my wife was totally justified in feeling that way.
2. Second, I made a conscious decision to stop expecting sex. Crazy, right?
I decided that I would be happy with however much sex my wife wanted to have.
The result?
My wife and I consistently have sex once or twice a week. Every now and then a week or
two goes by where we don’t have sex. And you know what? I don’t even notice!
If you’re the guy who wants more sex than you’re having in your marriage right now,
take a moment to step back. I’m willing to bet that your “libido” is a lot less demanding
than you think it is. Stop thinking about sex and just focus on making your wife feel
loved.

Side note: If you’re regularly looking at porn, I can guarantee you it’s having a negative
effect on your sex life. We’ll talk more about that in Chapter 15.
I’m not going to promise that if you make your wife feel more loved, you’ll start having
more sex. But, what I will promise is that you and your wife will both be happier and
that she’ll feel more open and connected with you. Maybe you’ll have more sex; maybe
you won’t, but either way you’ll be happier.
How to Initiate Sex When the Time is Right

Finally, let’s say you’re doing things right… You’re showing affection, you’re building
intimacy, your wife is slowly warming up to you.
How do you actually initiate sex?
Honestly, it will be different for every guy reading this, but in general, you initiate sex by
gently making your desire for sex known to your wife.
Sometimes, this will mean that you actually say the words, “Hey honey, want to come
join me in the bedroom?”
Sometimes, it’ll be completely non-verbal. You’ll be kissing or caressing your wife, and
then you’ll gently make a move on her to get things started.
When you make your intention and desire for sex known to your wife in a way that is…
“Encouraging,” may be the best way to describe it… She will naturally want to
reciprocate and follow your leadership. (provided you’ve done the preliminary stuff
right, as we talked about above!)
Most women like to be taken. Every little girl dreams of being swept up in the arms of a
strong, handsome prince, and that desire follows women into adulthood. So, be the
leader in the bedroom. Be her prince, swoop her up. Love her. Want her. And in turn,
she’ll want you too.
Again, sex may be out of the question for some of you reading this, but that’s okay. Tuck
this knowledge away to form a long-term vision for your own mastery of this particular
area of husbandly leadership.

Leadership Area 6.
COMMUNICATION
Since we’ll have an entire section of this book dedicated solely to communication and
understanding your wife’s needs, I’m not going to spend much time talking about it
here.
All I’ll say here is that keeping communication open between you and your wife is your
responsibility. As the husband, if there’s a communication problem, it’s your job to fix it.
This is one area of leadership that my father really struggled with. Not that I blame my
dad for my parent’s divorce, but everything I saw from his and my mom’s interactions
told me that he did not take responsibility for communication. Instead, he let
communication shutdown, and the result is that neither one of them ever felt like they
were heard.
Even if communication in your marriage is abysmal right now – in fact, especially if

communication in your marriage is abysmal – it’s your job to figure out where the
problems are and what you can do to fix them. It’s your job to make sure that your wife
can communicate her thoughts and feelings to you, and that you can do the same to her.
If you can’t do that, you have failed in this area of leadership.
Fortunately, as I said, we’ll talk a lot more about communication in Part 2 of this book.
Leadership Area 7.
DOMESTIC DUTIES (aka. Chores)
Have you and your wife ever gotten into a fight over housework?
Yea, me too.
As we said in Chapter 4, domestic duties are one of the most common sources of conflict
inside marriages today. Even though you’d think that divvying up housework is a simple
task, most men don’t realize that it’s their responsibility to make sure it happens fairly.

Domestic duties are the most mundane
area of husbandly leadership. But, just
because it’s mundane doesn’t mean it’s
not important… In fact, I’d actually say
that because domestic duties are so
mundane makes it all that much more
important to get right.
Why?
Because if your wife thinks you’re lazy

and that you don’t help out around the house as much as you should, how is she going to
trust you as her leader? If your wife can’t even trust you to do the dishes without being
asked, how can she trust you to do the truly important stuff like having a vision or
making her happy?
From now on, it’s your job to make sure that your house or apartment is being taken
care of. It’s your job to make sure that there’s an even spread of domestic responsibility
between you and your wife. Even if you’re the one who works, you still need to
contribute around the house.
 Volunteer to do the dishes after dinner

 Offer to cook a meal every now and then
 Clean the living room without being asked
 Get your kids to help out with chores
Same goes for your yard. It’s stereotypical, but you’re the one in charge of making sure
your yard is mowed and that your roof and gutters are free from leaks. Basically, it’s
your duty to make sure that the house is in good shape.
Leading in the area of domestic duties is how you ‘walk the walk’ of husbandly
leadership. If you talk the talk – you acknowledge the importance of leadership and you
recognize that it’s your responsibility in the marriage – then you need to be able to walk

the walk on a day-to-day basis. Domestic duties are one of the easiest and most common
ways to do that.
When you help your wife with domestic duties, you show her:
 … That her time is just as important as yours

 … That you care about her having a good day
 … That you can tell when she feels overwhelmed, and that you are willing to make
sacrifices to prevent it
You’re showing her that you are NOT the sort of leader who leads from the backlines…
Nope. You’re like Theodore Roosevelt – you get down and dirty in the frontlines and
take charge of even the most mundane tasks in your marriage.
And, as an added bonus, I’ve found inside my own marriage that my wife is much more
receptive to physical intimacy after I’ve surprised her by doing the dishes or by offering
to cook dinner or clean the living room. Granted, my wife’s love language is acts of
service, but you’ll be hard-pressed to find a wife who doesn’t appreciate her husband
helping out around the house.
And that’s it! These are the major areas of husbandly leadership that I’ve identified in
my own marriage and the marriages of men Inside the Haven. That’s not to say these are
the ONLY areas, but you can’t go wrong if you start by focusing on these 7.

There are 7 major areas of husbandly leadership:
1. Vision – Where is your marriage going? What type of life are you building
for your wife and family? Is it the life that she wants, and does she trust you
to get her there?
2. Well-Being – Are your wife's physical, mental and emotional needs
provided for? It’s your job to make sure they are.
3. Finances – You don't have to be the sole breadwinner. But, you do have to
make sure that there is more money coming in than is going out. If there is
ever a time when money is scarce, it's your job to find a way to put food on
the table.
4. Parenting – Put simply, you need to be a good father. It's your job to
teach your children what good leadership looks like, and to be an involved
and loving parent. You need to be firm enough to lay down discipline when
necessary, but tender enough to be encouraging and supportive.
5. Intimacy & Affection – This is the trickiest area of husbandly leadership
because it’s an area that you have little control over. You can’t (and
shouldn’t) force your wife to have sex with you. But, intimacy is about more
than just sex – it’s about making your wife feel loved and valued. We’ll talk
more about affection in Chapter 12.
6. Communication – All of Part 2 of this book is dedicated to being a better
communicator. For now, all you need to know is that communication is
your job. We’ll talk more about how to carry it out later.
7. Domestic Duties (aka. Chores) – Even though it’s mundane,
participating in housework shows your wife that you value her time and
care about making her life easier. Leading in the area of chores is how you
‘walk the walk’ as a husbandly leader.

Chapter 7. Setting Goals & Measuring
Progress
This chapter is all about setting the course for a happy marriage.
We’ll learn why goals are important, and you’ll learn how to set
effective goals for your marriage. Plus we’ll do a couple exercises
to help you make those goals a reality.
If you had to cut down a tree, would you rather use an axe or a baseball bat?
Obviously the answer is an axe. Why? Because when you focus energy into a small point,
the resulting force is more powerful than when it’s spread over a wider area. An axe
takes the full strength of your arms and puts it all into a knife-edge. You could never
punch a tree down with your fists, but you could cut one down in a matter of minutes.
Okay, okay, I don’t need to convince you how axes work – the question is, how does this
apply to your marriage?
When you set clear goals, it’s sort of like focusing the full force of your willpower into a
potent knife-edge. Put simply, setting goals lets you get more out of your time.
Most of you have probably heard the story of the Harvard class of 1979. In case you
haven’t, here’s how it goes:
The Harvard Study

In 1979, researchers asked each Harvard graduate one simple question:
“Do you have clear goals for your future?”
 84% had no goals, either written or unwritten

 13% had clearly defined goals, but not written down
 3% had clearly defined goals written on paper

… That’s it. Then 10 years later in 1989, the same researchers followed up with the ’79
class and asked them another simple question: “How much did you make this year?”
The answers were astonishing:
 The average Harvard graduate made $115k per year

 The 13% who’d set clear goals, but not written them down, made 2x more (on
average) as the 84% with no goals
 The 3% of the class with clear, written goals made 10x more than the 84% with
no goals. Every single millionaire was in the 3%.
Now, if you do a little research, you’ll find that most people don’t believe this Harvard
study ever actually happened (just Google “Harvard goals study myth”). But, even if this
particular study is fictional, countless other studies have shown the exact same result:
Setting clear, written goals is proven to make you more likely to

achieve them. Whether you want success in the corporate world
or in your marriage, setting goals will help you get there.
By the end of this chapter, you’ll know exactly how to set goals in your marriage and
increase your chances of getting your wife back, but first let’s answer some basic
questions about goal-setting.
Why Are Goals Important?

Okay, we know that setting goals increases chances of success, but why?
Goals Give You Something to Shoot For

First and most obviously, setting goals gives you a clear objective to work towards. This
is especially important in a struggling marriage.

Right now, it’s hard to imagine what a happy marriage with your wife feels like. It’s easy
to get stuck in the struggles and problems that you’re dealing with on a day-to-day basis.
But, when you set goals for your marriage, it makes it easy to imagine a better life.
When you take the time to think about what your ideal marriage looks like (which we’ll
do later in this chapter), you’ll always have that image and feeling to motivate you and
keep you going.
Goals Keep You Accountable

Setting goals makes it much harder to slip into bad habits.
Your goals will serve as a plumb line – something to

measure your actions against. If you’re ever doing
something that’s not in line with your goals, then you’ll have
a much easier time getting back on track.
For example, if your goal is to be a more confident leader

and you find yourself falling back into old habits, then that
pre-existing goal will force you to recognize what you’re
doing wrong and change it immediately. You’ll have a little
voice in the back of your mind saying, “This action does
NOT fit with my goal, so why am I doing it and how can I change it?”
Put simply, goals keep you accountable. They force you to recognize when you’re not
doing something that gets you closer to achieving them.
Goals Give You Something to Fall Back On

Inevitably, you will fail as a husband. You’ll mess up. Something will go wrong.
I’m sorry to say it, but it’s the truth.
It’s not the end of the world, but it will feel like the end of the world in that moment.
You’ll get depressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, discouraged, or all of the above. Trust
me, it’s REALLY easy to get “stuck” in that negativity. It’s easy to let it spiral out of
control, until weeks later you realize how much time you’ve wasted.

Setting written goals and keeping them in front of you makes it much easier to avoid
that negative spiral. When you recognize yourself veering off course from your goals, or
when something goes really wrong, just fall back on your goals.
How do you fall back on your goals?
It’s easy – set aside time to review your goals and get them back to the forefront of your
mind. You’ll remember what you’re trying to achieve and why. And, you’ll be able to
trust that in the end, your goals will get you where you want to go.
Writing Down Your Goals Cements Them in Your Brain

Several recent studies have compared knowledge retention between college students
who type their notes in class and those who write them down on paper.
Without exception, the students who write down their class notes with a pen and paper
perform better on tests and get higher grades than students who only type their notes on
a computer. Why?
Because writing something down, using your hands to put it on paper,

cements it in your brain in a way that nothing else can.
So, we write our goals down because it makes them part of you. When you write your
goals down, they become sticky – they become much harder to forget about.
The Power of Visualization

The other big reason that we set goals is to harness the power of visualization.
Before you roll your eyes, no, I’m not talking about the kind of stuff you to read in The
Secret. I’m not talking about projecting a “positive aura” or “sending positive thoughts
to the universe” to get what you want.
I’m talking about literal visualization – you see yourself doing something really well in
your head, then it makes it easier to do that thing really well in real life.

Competitive weightlifters do this all the time. For example, let’s say a weightlifter
is attempting a new personal record on the bench press in a competition… Before ever
touching the weight, he’ll visualize himself completing the lift. He’ll imagine what it feels
like to lift the bar off the supports, how heavy it feels in his hands. He’ll visualize the
feeling of his muscles contracting as the bar is lowered to his chest, and what it feels like
to push the bar back up with proper form and perfect muscle control.
This type of visualization works. It yields real results. Scientists have shown that this
method of visualization can help students increase test scores, employees improve
productivity, salesmen make more sales, and athletes perform better on game day.
Pickup artists even teach single guys to use visualization to get more women.
This type of visualization is like pre-programming your brain for success. And
today we’re going to apply it to your marriage, starting with two simple visualization
exercises.
Visualization Exercises
Materials: 3 sheets of paper (or the Chapter 7 worksheets), a pen or pencil
Time: 30 minutes
Exercise #1. Live a Day in Your Ideal Marriage

By this point in the book, you should be starting to get a solid idea of what a good
husband and a healthy marriage looks like.
Grab a piece of paper and a pencil. You’re going to close your eyes and visualize yourself
living out a day in your ideal marriage. Then you’re going to write down exactly what
that day looks like, start to finish. It doesn’t matter where you’re at in your marriage
right now, I only want you to think about where you want to be when everything’s said
and done.
What marriage do you want? What will YOU do in a day inside your ideal marriage?
We’re going to write down exactly what that day looks like, start to finish. This is hard to
explain without just showing you an example. So, here’s what I’d write for mine:

Jacob’s Perfect Day
I wake up early in the morning; the clock says 6:30. My wife is still asleep. I smile
and roll over in bed to cuddle with her while I snooze for a few more minutes. I get
out of bed as the sun rises, and enjoy the quiet of the morning in my office before
everyone else wakes up. It’s a beautiful day.
Soon, my wife wakes up too. She comes into my office to give me a kiss and say
good morning, and to give me my morning cup of coffee. I smile and pull her into
my lap, and we simply embrace for a few minutes.
By 7:30, it’s time to work. I get started writing and calling clients in my office, while
my wife makes breakfast for us and our daughter. She has it ready for me by
9:00am, as she always does. I decide to take a break from work and eat with her;
we chat about our plans for the day while keeping an eye on little Eden.
After breakfast, my wife encourages me to get back to work. She asks if I need
anything, like another cup of coffee. I smile and say, “No thank you cutie,” before
heading back into the office.
During the day, the confidence I have in my marriage spreads into the rest of my
life. My interactions with clients are professional and friendly, and the words I
write come easily from my hands onto paper. I’m productive and focused.
My wife brings me lunch around 1:00pm, which allows me to keep working without
interruption. I make sure to express my appreciation for her hard work, and I
praise the tastiness of her cooking.
Before I know it, I’ve done everything on my to-do list and my work day is over. I
finished a little early, so I invite my wife and daughter to go on a walk. After all, it’s
a beautiful day! The sun is shining and warm. We spend most of the walk
entertaining our daughter, but the occasional knowing smile we share tells me that
I’m living the dream life.
(continued on next page)

When we get back home, I offer to help cook dinner. We put Eden in her play pen
and watch some old episodes of Friends on Netflix in the kitchen while I tell her
about what I did during the day. She does the same, and shares a couple funny
stories about our daughter.
We all sit down together for dinner. Smiles everywhere. The food isn’t fancy, but it’s
delicious. By the time dinner is over, it’s getting close to Eden’s bedtime. She wants
to play with Daddy, so my wife does some crocheting while I entertain our
daughter. When she’s all played out, I retreat to my office for 15 minutes or so to
plan my work for the next day while my wife gets Eden ready for bed.
Finally 8 o’clock rolls around and I come put my daughter to sleep. I read her a
bedtime story from our big book of Aesop’s Fables, and my wife and I each give her
a kiss before turning out the lights.
Both Michele and I are tired by the time Eden’s asleep, but there’s one thing left to
do. We hop in the shower together and one thing leads to another… In another half
an hour, we’re even more tired than when we started ;-)
The day ends with us in bed. I’m reading a book and Michele is crocheting while
watching TV. It was a good day with a good wife, and the last words I say to my
wife before turning off the lights are, “I love you.”
I fall asleep knowing that it’s only getting better from here.
Whew! Yours doesn’t have to be that long, but it should be long enough to get you
through the entire day in detail. Need some help getting started? Start by
answering these 6 questions:
1. How did you wake up? What is your morning routine?

2. How did you spend your time during the day?
3. How did you go to bed?
4. How did you feel during each part of the day?
5. What decisions did you make during the day? And how did you make them?

6. How does your wife improve your life, and how do you improve hers?
Currently, many of you reading this may be separated or dealing with a distant wife.
Obviously, it would be impossible for you to live out your ideal day tomorrow. For the
sake of this exercise, pretend your marriage is perfect – how would you spend your
day in the best relationship you’ve ever had?
That’s what I want you to write down.
Exercise #2. Pull Out The Golden Nuggets

Once you’ve worked your way through your entire good day, we need to figure out
exactly what it was that made this day so good. I like to call these your golden nuggets –
they’re the things that really made this day shine.
On your second sheet of paper, make a list of all the important parts of your perfect day.
List down everything that you did and that your wife did during this day that made it
stand out as a truly perfect day.
For example, here are the key points I took out of my ideal day:
 I wake up early before everyone else to collect my thoughts.

 I’m very affectionate and appreciative towards my wife.
 I work hard; I’m deliberately productive and focused.
 I feel great about my marriage, and I know that I am loved.
 My wife enjoys doing things for me because she knows how much it helps me,
and she knows that her helping me makes it easier for me to help her.
 My day isn’t over when I’m done working… Even though I’m tired, I actively look
for opportunities to spend time with my wife and daughter.
 I offer to do house chores like dishes without being asked.
 I’m clearly aware of my position as leader of the marriage, and I take my
leadership responsibilities seriously.
 I’m actively involved in parenting; I engage and play with my daughter.
 My wife and I are attracted to each other. We’re not super models, and we’re both
tired after a long day, but we don’t let our fatigue keep us from intimacy.

Again, these are just my own examples. Your important points may be different. But
write them down because we’ll need them for the next exercise.
Exercise #3. Document Your Worst Day

This exercise is the opposite of Exercise #2. This time, you’re going to document your
worst day.
In the last exercise, you were a great husband in a great marriage. This time, you’re a
bad husband in your current marriage. Throughout this day, you make all of the
mistakes that you have a bad habit of making.
Because this is such a negative-feeling exercise, I don’t want you to go as in-depth for
this exercise as you did in the last one. Remember, visualization has real power, so you
don’t want to overly visualize this bad day. Instead, we’re just going to list out the
specific differences or contrasts between this worst day and your ideal day.
Here’s how to do it:
Go through your golden nuggets – your list of key points – from the
last exercise and write down the opposite.
For me, this is what my ‘bad day list’ looked like:
 I wake up late, after my wife is already up. I have no time in the morning to
collect my thoughts.
 I’m distracted and stressed, so I’m not very affectionate or appreciative.
 I procrastinate, and don’t get as much done as I know I should. This lack of focus
leads to even more stress.
 I don’t think about my marriage at all… It’s not that I’m thinking about how
unhealthy my marriage is, it just doesn’t pop into my head at all.
 My wife doesn’t make me coffee or cook me breakfast. If she does, she doesn’t do
it with a happy heart because I’m not appreciative or she can tell that I’m slacking
off.

 After I’m done “working”, I’m too tired to engage with our daughter or help with
house chores. At least, that’s what I tell myself so that I can spend the evening in
my office browsing the web or watching Netflix.
 My wife has to ask me to help with house chores. She doesn’t ask nicely and it
feels like nagging.
 I don’t think about my position as leader in the marriage. Again, it’s not that I’m
actively trying to be submissive, I just don’t consciously embrace my leadership
role.
 I let my wife do most of the parenting; I don’t try to give my wife a break from
parenting.
 My wife and I aren’t particularly attracted to each other and she’s exhausted from
handling Eden all day long without a break. She certainly doesn’t see me as the
leader and I’m not interested in being affectionate, so nothing happens in the
bedroom.
See what I did there? I looked at each point on my list of golden nuggets and I wrote
down the exact opposite…
The first day I woke up early with a great attitude; the second day I woke up late and felt
rushed.
The first day, I had a clear awareness of my priorities as a husband, so I was affectionate
and appreciative from the very start; the second day, I always had something else on my
mind, so I didn’t prioritize affection.
See how I did that?
Keep both of these lists to reference as your Marriage Scale, which we’ll learn more
about in a sec’.
One last thing to note about this ‘worst day’… Even though my wife was also a worse
wife on this second day, her failures as a wife stemmed from my failures as a
husband. My poor decisions and bad habits led to her having a worse day, and
therefore being a worse wife.

Even though I didn’t actually close my eyes to visualize my “worst day”, these points
paint a pretty clear picture. You can easily tell that this day is much worse, both for me
and for my wife. And yes, I’m guilty of having days like this! I bet you are too.
Now, going all the way back to the original point of this chapter, how are you going to
use these two lists to set clear goals and measure progress for yourself as a husband?
Why, I’m glad you asked!
These Two Lists Form Your “Marriage Scale”
In case you’re reading this on a mobile device and can’t see the image clearly, here’s
what’s going on…
Imagine a 10-point scale like the one pictured above:
 1 is your worst day, the day we outlined in Exercise #3.

 10 is your best day, the day we visualized in Exercise #1.
This spectrum from 1 to 10 is your Marriage Scale.
At the end of each day, score yourself from 1 to 10. Based on your thoughts and
actions alone, how did you do for that day? Were you closer to your ideal day (10) or
your worst day (1)? Give yourself an honest score.
Your weekly goal is to score more days closer to 10 than to 1.
That’s it.
That’s how simple the Marriage Scale is. You can use this scale as a simply and easy-to-
use daily and weekly goal.

The idea is that over time you’ll train yourself to have EVERY day closer to 10 than to 1.
And the more days you get closer to 10, the closer you’ll get to living out your dream
marriage.
Obviously, it’s impossible to be 100% honest when scoring yourself. But a perfect
scoring system isn’t the point here… The point is to get you to take each day one at a
time, and to have clear guidelines to evaluate your progress.
This scoring technique is extremely powerful, and I’ve personally used this type of best
day / worst day scale in both my marriage and my job to help me make the most of each
day.
Looking at the Big Picture

The Marriage Scale is perfect for evaluating daily and weekly progress in your marriage.
However, most of us also have long-term goals for the next months, years or even
decades. And if you don’t have those kind of goals, you probably should.
Yes, daily, short-term and mid-term goals are the most important, so that’s why I want
you to prioritize the Marriage Scale. Most goal-setting experts recommend reviewing
your short-term goals at least once a week. Setting long-term goals is important, but
ultimately they’re more likely to change over time anyways.
That being said, long-term goals are still valuable, and you should at least take the time
to think about them. It’s good to have clear goals written somewhere for each of these
four time frames:
Dreams (5 years+) – These are your REALLY BIG goals. These are the ones
that are so far out of sight that you can’t see a clear path to them yet. For
example, someday I want to celebrate my wife and I’s 50th anniversary. That’s my
dream.
Long-Term Goals (1 – 3 years) – These are your biggest concrete goals that
you’re working towards right now. For example, your long-term goal might be to

get your relationship with your wife on solid ground with no more talk of
separation.
Mid-Term Goals (3 – 12 months) &

Short-Term goals (1 – 3 months) – I group these both together because you
think about them in the same way, even though they’re for two different time
frames.
Your mid- and short-term goals are the individual steps that will get you to your
long-term goals. For example, you might set a six-month goal of becoming a
better communicator with your wife, or a one-month goal of being more
affectionate. These short-term goals are things you’ll have to do on the way to
achieving your long-term goal.
Daily & Weekly Goals – These are the baby steps you’re going to do RIGHT
NOW to get you to your short-term goals. For example, you might set a daily goal
of having one affectionate encounter with your wife. Or, maybe your daily goal is
to stop making apologies.
Remember that getting a good score on your Marriage Scale should

probably be your primary weekly goal.
How to Set S.M.A.R.T. Goals

I’m sure that some of you have heard about SMART goals before. If not, here’s what you
need to know:
SMART is an acronym for a set of 5 rules that you should follow when setting goals for
yourself. In my experience, SMART works best for setting mid-term and short-
term goals. Here’s what each letter stands for:
Specific – Your goals should be very clearly defined. You want to set goals that
tell you exactly what you’ll do, why you’ll do it and who you’ll do it with.

Measurable – Ideally your goals are measureable by some metric. Your goals
shouldn’t be subjective; there should be a hard number or condition that you can
look at and say, “I’ve met my goal,” or “I still have work to do.”
Achievable – Have you ever heard the saying, ‘shoot for the moon and at least
you’ll hit some stars’? The truth is that an unrealistic goal won’t do you any
favors. Yes, your goals should be challenging, but if you can’t realistically see
yourself achieving your goal, you’ll quickly lose motivation and slide backwards
into inaction.
Achievable also means that your goals should be under your control.
This is really important! Don’t set a goal like “I want to get my wife back in three
months” because you can’t directly control what your wife does. Those kind of
goals – the kind you can’t control – are okay for long-term goals because you
make those goals knowing that they can change. But, your mid- and short-term
goals should have to do with your own leadership and lifestyle, ie. things you
CAN control. Make sense?
Relevant – Is your goal worthwhile? If you achieve your goal, will it have a
meaningful impact on your life or marriage? When your goals are highly relevant
to both your current and future life, you’ll remain motivated to achieve them.
Time-bound – A number of studies have found that setting deadlines increases

the likelihood that people complete their goals. If you give yourself an open-
ended goal with no clear end-point, you make it a lot easier to procrastinate
meaningful progress.
With SMART in mind, here’s an example of a BAD goal: “I want to fix

my marriage.”
This goal is not specific, not measurable and not time-bound. Technically, it IS
relevant, but only in a big picture kind of way, and it’s not achievable because it’s not
under your control.

Here are some good examples of SMART goals you might use in your marriage right
now:
 “For the rest of this month, I want to have at least five ‘good days’ on my
Marriage Scale each week.”
 “For the next two weeks, I’m going to do 20 minutes of extra housework each day
to show my wife that I value her time.”
 “I will make sure that I stay positive and calm in every conversation with my wife
until she either moves back in or finalizes the divorce”
Each of these goals are specific, measurable in some way, achievable and directly under
your control, relevant, and time-bound.

 Setting goals is one of the best ways to create confidence in your future, and to
make sure you get what you want out of life and marriage.
 Complete the 3 visualization exercises we outlined in this chapter.
 Create your Marriage Scale.
o Visualizing what your ideal day and your worst day looks like will allow
you to accurately evaluate your progress as a husband, and give you a
clear standard of leadership to strive for. Your goal right now should be
to have more good days than bad days each week.
 Remember your key habits that you identified from the visualization exercises
for future reference in Chapter 14.
 It’s important to set clear long-, mid- and short-term goals, both for yourself
and your marriage. Use the S.M.A.R.T. goal-setting system if you need help
putting your goals into words, especially for mid- and short-term goals.

Part 2:
Communication & Understanding Her
Needs
Applying Husbandly Leadership to the Way

You Interact with Your Wife

Chapter 8. Attraction & Its Role in
Communication
You already know that attraction is an important benefit of
husbandly leadership, but did you know that attraction also
enables better communication?
We are officially into the part of the book about communication. More specifically, it’s
about communicating like a good husband and leader.
Where should we start? Unsurprisingly, the first thing we need to do is recognize the
connection between attraction and communication.
Why You Need Attraction to Get Your Wife Back

We’ve already said multiple times that you need attraction to get your wife back. In the
first chapters of this book, we hammered home that attraction is essential to getting
your wife back. You’ll remember The Leadership Cycle all the way back from Chapter 1:

Notice the relationship between
attraction and forgiveness. The reason
we focus on this part of The Leadership
Cycle is because this is the step that makes
forgiveness easier. Attraction is what has the
power to change how your wife feels about
you and the marriage. Attraction is what will
make her want to stay.
And as we’ve already established, women find leadership attractive.
Attraction is More Than Just Physical

One last reminder about attraction is that it’s much more than just physical. Attraction
inside of marriage could be better described as magnetism. It’s when you genuinely
like and respect your spouse as a person, not just as a physical body.
Two wrinkly old seniors who’ve been married for 50+ years are still genuinely attracted
to each other. It’s more than just physical or sexual appeal… It’s about your personality
and how your wife perceives you as a man. Attraction is when you feel more like
yourself when you’re with your spouse than you do without. When your wife
feels this way when she’s with you, that’s when you know she’s attracted to you.
At the start, she might call it friendship. She may say something like, “I like being your
friend,” and that’s okay! If she likes being around you, with you, near you… That’s your
goal right now.
Are you the man that your wife wants to be with?
That’s what we’re talking about when we say attraction.
So how do you bring that leadership-inspired attraction to your communication? How

do you rekindle attraction when it’s vanished from your marriage?
Let’s start with some of the benefits of this type of attraction:

The Role of Attraction in Communication:
How Does Attraction Make Communication
Easier?
How does attraction make communication easier?
Turns out, there are three key ways that attraction affects communication:
1. Attraction Creates a Desire for Communication

Have you ever been to a bar on a Friday night? If so, you’ve probably seen single men
there trying to start up conversations with single women.
Have you ever been so infatuated with a girl that you stayed up all night talking to her?
Or spent hours on the phone?
Both of these examples show us that attraction has the power to make two people want
to communicate.
It may seem like an obvious thing to say, but when your wife is attracted to you, she will
want to hear your opinions and perspectives. She’ll want to know what you’re thinking.
She’ll really care how you feel. And most importantly, she’ll want to share all those
things with you about herself too.
This is also a good way to tell when you’re making progress as a leader. Since leadership
causes attraction, and attraction causes a desire for communication, that means when
your wife starts initiating conversations with you, you know you’re doing your job. In
other words, your wife’s desire to communicate with you validates your leadership.
2. Attraction Creates Cushion in Communication

Another important thing attraction does is create a communication ‘cushion’.
What exactly is a communication cushion?

You could call it a margin of error. Basically, if your wife is attracted to you, then you can
afford to be a worse communicator. Not all the time, of course, but you can afford to put
your foot in your mouth sometimes without any permanent consequences. You can say
the wrong thing at the wrong time without offending your wife, or at least without
causing a huge fight.
You could NEVER do that while your marriage is on the rocks. When your wife is NOT
attracted to you, saying the wrong thing at the wrong time can spell the end of your
marriage. That’s a severe worst-case scenario, but it’s true… Without attraction, your
words can have major, permanent consequences that are very hard to repair.
Attraction is what makes your wife WANT to be with you. And when she wants to be
with you, you have a much higher threshold of permissible mistakes.
Now, I’m not saying that you should take advantage of this ‘communication cushion’…
I’m simply letting you know that it exists and that it makes communication easier,
especially for men like me who aren’t very good at speaking our mind (which we’ll talk
more about in the next chapter).
3. Attraction Makes Communication Come More Naturally

Do you remember when you and your wife first started dating?
Remember how you had an intangible ‘chemistry’; like every conversation seemed to
flow naturally?
As a result of points #1 and #2 here (the desire for communication and the
communication cushion), communication between two people who are attracted to each
other always comes naturally. It may not be as smooth and exciting as those first few
weeks or months dating your wife, but it should be just as natural.
Basically, when you and your wife are attracted to each other, and when you’re aware of
the need to fan the flames of that attraction, communication won’t be something you
have to think about… It’ll just happen. It’ll flow.

So, now that we know what attraction can do for your communication with your wife,
let’s look at a couple examples that demonstrate these principles:
Communication Example 1.
Two People Attracted to Each Other
To help you see the difference that
attraction makes in communication, we’re
going to look at two hypothetical examples.
One example will be of a couple that’s
attracted to each other, and the other is of a
couple that’s not.
I want you to imagine the following scene:
Imagine a man and a woman have just met, and sparks are flying. He’s handsome,
she’s beautiful. They’re interested in the same things, and they can’t get enough of
each other. It’s Friday night and they’re on their 5th date at a romantic French
restaurant.
Close your eyes and imagine these two people have a conversation over a candlelit
dinner… What does their communication look like? What’s happening in this scene?
At dinner, both of them are 100% engaged in the conversation. They’re looking into
each other’s eyes, smiling and flirting. He’s attentive and charming, always looking
for a way to make her laugh. She reaches out to touch his arm every now and then
when he says something particularly sweet or funny. They’re so engaged with each
other that they lose track of time. They talk about everything from their childhood
to their favorite TV show to their career and dreams and aspirations. Anyone who
tried to sit down with them would feel like a third wheel.
Got it? Can you picture the conversation that these two lovebirds are having?
Can you feel how connected they are to each other?

Good, now let’s look at the opposite example…
Communication Example 2.
Two People Repulsed By Each Other
This time, our fantasy couple has just broken up. They dated for a few months and had a
good run, but eventually they got into a fight and separated.
In this example, they’re going out to dinner to conclude their relationship… He needs to
pick up a few articles of clothing he had left at her apartment, meanwhile she wants to
see how badly he’s doing so she can feel better about herself.
What does this conversation look like? Probably something like this:
Imagine this couple coldly greeting each other as they walk in together. They
arrived in separate cars. You can feel the tension in the air. They’re not at a fancy
restaurant this time… Just a crappy fast food joint. They both know it’ll be fast.
As they sit down, there are long moments of silence where neither person has
anything to say. Anytime he says anything, even just placing his order, it annoys
her. When she asks him a question, he thinks it’s stupid. Anyone who sat down with
them probably wouldn’t feel like a third wheel – they’d feel like the ONLY wheel.
Maintaining a conversation feels like pulling teeth.
This time, both he and she can’t wait to leave. He gets his clothes, they make small
talk and exchange cold looks. Their relationship comes up for a moment, but she
quickly says she doesn't want to talk about it. Minutes feel like hours. They leave
quickly after finishing their food, and neither one of them is happy with the
conversation.
In this example, nothing has changed physically about our handsome man or our
beautiful woman. Physically, they are both attractive, and yet they are totally
unattracted to each other. The difference it makes in their communication is enormous.

I’m willing to bet you’ve had a few conversations like this with your wife, where it feels
like you can’t say anything right. In these moments, do you think your wife finds you
attractive? Probably not.
These may not be the best examples, but I hope that you see the point I’m trying to make
here:
Attraction alone can change the tide of communication between

you and your wife.
When you’re both attracted to each other, you will WANT to communicate with each
other, and it will come naturally and enjoyably.
When either one of you is unattracted to the other, communication becomes extremely
difficult because there’s no incentive to make conversation worthwhile. If she doesn’t
find you attractive, why would she care what you have to say?
So, where does that leave us? We need to rebuild attraction.
And how do we do that?
How Do You Rekindle Attraction?

Ah, here’s the big question…
What can you actually DO to rekindle attraction? If the

attraction is missing from your marriage, how do you
get it back?
We know that you need to regain leadership in order

for your wife to be attracted to you, but how do you do
that? What specific actions do need to take?
Unfortunately, there is no “one thing” you can do or

say to reignite your wife’s attraction. If there were, trust me, I would’ve told you by now.
I wish it were that easy.

How to rekindle attraction is a difficult question because the answer will be different for
every man. The one common thread is that attraction always revolves around
leadership. When you become more like a husbandly leader, your wife will become more
attracted to you over time. So, there are three general areas that we’re going to work on
in the next few chapters that will help you get where you need to go.
The three things you’ll learn to do in the next few chapters are:
 Talk the way that leaders talk

 Do the things that leaders do
 Think the way that leaders think
If you can pull off those three things, then you can rest easy knowing that you’re being
the best husband you can be.
The “Original Attraction” Exercise

Materials needed: One piece of paper, or the Chapter 8 PDF worksheet
At one point, your wife found you irresistibly attractive. After all, that’s why she married
you!
Somewhere along the line, those things your wife found attractive about you either
changed or disappeared. The goal of this exercise is to identify which traits you once had
that your wife found attractive, and what you can do to get them back.
The purpose of this exercise is to see what might have changed between the start of your
relationship and where you’re at today. Here’s what I want you to do:
1. Close your eyes and think back to your first date with your wife. Where did you
go? What did you do? Describe your first date on a sheet of paper.
2. Think about the person you were when you and your wife first started dating.
Write down 5 traits you had back then that you think originally piqued your
wife’s interest in you.

3. Now think about what your wife learned about you throughout your courtship
BEFORE you got married. In other words, you already know 5 obvious traits that
piqued her interest… Write down 5 more ‘deep’ traits that she learned to
appreciate about you during your courtship. These are personality traits that she
didn’t recognize or appreciate until she got to know you better.
4. Now think about the man you became during the problem years of your marriage.
These could range from the past few months to the past few years. Identify 5 to 10
traits that defined you as a man during those times. These are probably traits that
your wife finds unattractive, although they don’t have to be.
5. Which of the traits from #2 and #3 that originally made you attractive to your
wife are missing from the man you are today?
a. As you’re thinking about these missing traits, try to figure out which ones
didn’t exist when you and your wife started dating, and which ones simply
took a while to come to the surface.
6. What traits are you going to start developing in yourself as you try to repair your
marriage? These don’t necessarily have to be traits that you had before; these can
be new traits that you want to develop in yourself.
You should now have a list of 15 to 20 character traits that all helped define you at one
point in your life. 10 of these traits are positive, attractive traits, and 5 to 10 of them are
negative, unattractive traits. You should also have a good idea of which positive traits
are missing, which negative traits need to be cleaned up, and what traits you’re going to
try and develop in yourself as you move forward in your life and marriage.
If you want to rekindle attraction with your wife, a straightforward way to do that can be
to get back some of those missing positive traits, and get rid of some of those newly
developed negative traits.
One caveat with this exercise is that your goal is NOT to go back to the man that you
were when you first started dating your wife. Change and growth are both natural and
good things that happen as we and our relationships mature as we learn more about life
and marriage. But, it’s still helpful to know where you started compared to where you

are now, and I’m willing to bet that at the very least this exercise gave you a better idea
of which traits you developed over time that might have driven your wife away from the
marriage.
Attraction Isn’t Just Rebuilt with Words…

It’s Rebuilt Through Actions
If you’re ready to start taking action, a good starting point is to focus on the areas of
husbandly leadership we talked about in Chapter 6. Work on getting your numbers up
on your Marriage Scale. When your wife sees you taking yourself and your role in the
marriage more seriously, she’ll naturally find you more attractive.
In the meantime, do your best to start communicating like a leader, which is what we
will spend the rest of this second part of the book learning how to do.
This chapter is important because it sets the foundation for how you’ll interact with your
wife. And, now you know why it’s been so hard to communicate with her –
there’s a lack of attraction!

 Attraction plays a very important role in communication – it’s what creates a
desire for conversation.
 When your wife is attracted to you, communication is easier, more enjoyable
and more forgiving. You can afford to make mistakes and your wife will still
care about what you have to say.
 When your wife is unattracted to you, communication will be extremely
difficult. It’ll feel like you can’t say anything right. Your words will have bigger
consequences.
 Attraction takes time to rebuild, and it’s rebuilt through both actions and
words. Knowing how to communicate effectively will enable you to say things
that matter to your wife, and will help you come off as a leader.

Chapter 9. Speaking Your Mind Gently &
With Confidence
It’s time to finally get into the nitty-gritty of communication inside a
marriage. In this chapter you’ll learn specific tactics and rules to
help you say the right things at the right time, and you’ll learn
strategies to help you handle conflict even if you’re bad at it.
When most men email me asking for

help with communication, usually they
struggle specifically with two
important elements of healthy, manly
communication:
The first major struggle for most

men is speaking your mind.
Most men have a really hard time

saying what they really mean. Or,
maybe you’re a little too good at saying what’s on your mind and you end up pushing
your wife away and hurting her feelings with your blunt approach to communication.
The second major problem for most men is understanding what women
need from communication.
A lot of men have trouble really putting themselves in her shoes to hear what they’re
saying through her ears. Usually they’re insensitive, or inattentive, or they simply don’t
take the time to think about what their wife is saying.
But before we get into all that, let’s get one thing out of the way:

Good Communication Is Not Hard
I’ve said before that open communication won’t save your marriage. That’s absolutely
true – there’s no way that good communication alone will get your wife back. Lots of
marriage counselors preach that the only difference between a healthy marriage and an
unhealthy one is the communication, and that’s simply not true.
The truth is that good communication isn’t hard. There are a few principals and
commonsense rules to keep in mind, but once you know them, it should be pretty easy
to adjust your communication style.
3 Commonsense Communication Rules

to Live By
A commonsense approach to communication has always worked in my marriage, and it
almost always works in the marriages of the men I’ve given this advice to.
Basically, these rules will help you clearly put what you’re thinking into words
and present it in a way that your wife will understand without being too cold or
aggressive.
What’s really cool about each of these rules is that they each apply to a different part of
communication. Think of it like this:
 Rule #1 is what you do before you speak.

 Rule #2 is what you do as you’re speaking
 Rule #3 is what you do after you’ve spoken.
Keep those points in mind as you continue reading each of these communication rules.
Rule #1. Think Before You Speak

This first rule is cliché, but it’s good advice and it’s something that every husband should
live by.

The problem with this cliché is that the phrase itself doesn’t fully explain how to actually
put it into practice. Or perhaps it’s so cliché that people don’t really think about what the
phrase is actually telling you to do.
Either way, let’s look at this tip, “Think before you speak”… What does that mean? What
does that look like?
It’s simple:
Whatever you’re going to say, think the words in your head first.
As you’re thinking of what you’re going to say, answer these questions:
 Are these words really the best thing to say?

 Do these words really convey what I mean?
 How will she take this when I say it? Is she going to understand what I mean
from these words?
These questions will train you to start empathizing with your wife. They will get you in
the right mindset for proper communication.
Journaling as Communication Training

In Chapter 15, one of the important habits I’m going to
introduce you to is journaling. We’ll talk more about it
then, but journaling – and writing in general – is one of
the best ways to train yourself to think before you speak.
If you feel that putting your thoughts into words is a

weak area of your communication, or if you struggle to
come up with things to say in the heat of the moment,
then I encourage you to get a head start in your journal. All you need is a simple spiral
notebook, a pen and a little bit of discipline. Spend 5 to 15 minutes a day writing in
your journal (about anything at all), and I’m willing to bet that within a week or two you
will notice yourself becoming a more fluid speaker.

Again, I don’t want to go to into too much detail here because we WILL be talking about
it later in the book, but I also want you to be able to get a head start if you so please. This
is a simple daily exercise you can use to help you improve this aspect of communication.
Rule #2. Be Results-Oriented

(aka. say what you really want)
Saying what you really want is the second rule of commonsense communication,
especially when you’re dealing with a conflict or a problem.
Again, how do you actually say what you want? How do you even know what it is you
want in the first place?
The way that you say what you really want is by staying consistently results-oriented in
your communication. In other words…
To stay results-oriented, ask yourself, “What is it I really want to

happen after this conversation is over?”
What is your desired result of the conversation you’re having with your wife? Whatever
that is, that’s what you want. That’s your objective. It sounds obvious when you put it
like that, but whatever you say should help you work towards that specific goal.
Being results-oriented carries with it a few best practices. The following tips will help
you consistently get what you want out of a conversation.
No Insults EVER
This one should go without saying, but I’m going to say it anyways because it’s just that
important…
There is never any situation – EVER – in which you should insult your wife. If your wife
is the one insulting you, don’t let it go unquestioned. Stop her and tell her firmly that
insults aren’t productive or helpful.
That brings us to the next piece of advice for this rule…

Respond to Negativity with Positivity (most of the time)
This is a technique I’ve personally used in my own marriage. If your wife is anything like
mine, she occasionally gets into “moods” of negativity. You know, those moods where
she’ll find something wrong with everything.
Has that ever happened to you?
What I’ve found is that when my wife is being overly negative, one of the best things I
can do is counter her negativity with positivity. If she’s complaining about someone, I
stop her and say something nice about them. Or I say something that helps put her in
that person’s shoes.
Now, sometimes my wife just needs to complain and get something off her chest.
That’s fine.
It’s perfectly okay to let your wife vent; don’t be the stickler who’s constantly correcting
your wife every time she opens her mouth. But, when that complaining becomes
excessive… When that complaining is unwarranted and serves no purpose, then it
becomes a problem.
In your case, maybe your wife says something negative about you or the marriage. Don’t
let it go unquestioned. Say something to the effect of, “Is it really that bad? Or are you
just frustrated?” Because being frustrated is okay. Attacking your spouse or belittling
your marriage is not.
Keep in mind that this will be harder to do when your wife is on the way out of the
marriage. Generally, if you’re facing separation or divorce, or there are other big pre-
existing problems in your marriage, trying to counter every negative thing your wife says
with something positive may not be a good idea. If you try to be overly positive, you may
just end up alienating your wife.
Which brings us to our next point about getting what you want out of communication…

Know When to Shut Up
You know that saying ‘less is more’?
Yeah, it applies to communication too.
If you can feel a conversation slipping

out of your control, sometimes the best
thing you can do is find a way to pause.
The extra time to think will do you both
good.
This is also why I added that ‘most of

the time’ note in parentheses to that last point… If your wife is in a really bad mood and
is hurling insults/negativity left and right, sometimes the best thing you can do is just let
her get it out of her system and nod your head.
Again, it’s hard to define a hard and fast rule for these tips… That’s why they’re called
commonsense communication tips. You’re going to have to use a bit of your own
judgment to put them into practice.
But, no matter what, even if you’re not being constantly positive, you NEVER want to
give in to her negativity by allowing yourself to become negative too. Especially during a
separation, it’s normal for her to try and get a rise out of you or bring you down; don’t
let yourself be controlled!
Rule #3. Pay Attention

& Make Sure She Knows It
It sounds obvious, but one of the best ways to make your wife feel loved and valued is to
pay attention when she speaks, and to pay attention in a way that makes sure she
knows it. What does this mean in practical application?
It means that any time you’re talking to your wife, however small or unimportant the
conversation may be, you need to pay attention. You need to actually listen to the words

she’s saying and comprehend what they mean. You need to engage with her and
converse with her; not just sit there while she talks words at you.
DOs & DON’Ts for Engaging Conversation

Communication DON’Ts
Let’s start with the don’ts for engaging a meaningful conversation with your wife.
 Don’t text while your wife is talking to you

 Don’t watch TV in the background
 Don’t skim through Facebook or check your Twitter in the middle of a
conversation
 Don’t tune her out or let your eyes gloss over; don’t lose focus
 Don’t think about what you’re going to say next while she’s speaking
Let me quickly expand on that last point…
What Is One-Way Communication?

(hint: avoid this at all costs!)
Most of us treat communication like a turn-based game. When you’re only focused on
your side of the conversation, communication ends up looking like this:
1. Conversation starts.
2. It’s my turn to speak so I’ll say my thing… Once I’m done, it’s your turn to
speak.
3. Instead of listening, I’m going to think about what I’ll say next while you’re
talking…
4. Okay my turn to speak again… Okay I’m done talking, so I’m also done
listening.
5. You’re turn to talk; let me think about what I’m going to say next while you say
your thing…
6. Okay my turn to speak again…

… And so on and so forth.
I like to call this one-way communication, because you’re only really communicating
one way. You’re talking, but not really hearing the other side of the conversation. You
only care about what YOU have to say; not what they have to say.
This is how most people communicate, even outside of marriage. Don’t let yourself fall
into this pattern!
Communication DOs
With the Don’ts out of the way, let’s talk about things you should do to create two-way
conversations with your wife. These techniques fall under the realm of what’s called
active listening. What this means is that you’re making the listening side of the
conversation just as active and engaging as the talking side.
Make sense?
Active listening removes the “my turn, your turn” style of conversation because true
listening should take just as much effort as speaking.
 Do make eye contact with your wife when she speaks

 Do nod your head when your wife makes an important point
 Do say things like “Yea” and “Mmhmm” to let your wife know you’re listening
 Do read her facial expressions and body language
 Do repeat what she’s saying in your head to make sure you understand it
(this is especially important as you’re first getting used to active listening).
 Do repeat important points back to her in your own words so that she
knows you heard her, and to make sure you understood her correctly
As you can see, that’s quite a laundry list of things you need to be doing while your wife
is talking. You can’t afford to be thinking about what you’re going to say next during this
time… You HAVE to devote your energy to hearing the words your wife is saying and
making sure you understand them correctly.

Yes, this way of communicating takes more energy…
Yes, it will make conversations last longer…
Yes, you will have to set aside time from your day to listen to things your wife says that
you don’t necessarily care about…
Yes, it will make you uncomfortable when you face confrontations with your wife more
fully…
These are all good things! If these statements ring true, it means you’re doing it right. It
means that you’re enriching the communication inside your marriage.
If your wife has ever accused you of not listening to what she says, or if she feels under-
valued or under-appreciated inside your marriage relationship, then these active
listening techniques will be a lifesaver. By really and truly listening to what your wife
says – and making sure she knows it – you’re showing her that you value her thoughts
and opinions just as highly as you value your own.
Many of you have probably heard some of these active listening techniques before. Now,
though, you’ll actually practice them because you know why they’re so important and
what they do for your wife.
How to Handle Conflict When You’re Bad At It

What if you’re already a really good listener?
Some guys reading this will be on the opposite end of the spectrum – they’re really good
at active listening and hearing what their wife is saying, but they still struggle with
communication.
Why?
Because they don’t know how to handle conflict and speak their mind.
I’ll be honest, this is the part of communication I personally struggle with.

I already have a natural tendency to think before I speak. In fact, in the heat of difficult
conversations, I’m so afraid of saying the wrong thing that I freeze up. I can’t say
anything.
Does this sound like you? Do you hate conflict? Do you have a hard time thinking of
what to say in the heat of the moment?
What ends up happening is that when my wife and I are in the midst a conflict or
disagreement, I can’t figure out what to say. This is because I’m paranoid about saying
the right thing, but in these situations, there really isn’t anything you can say that
“sounds good”.
If you’re a guy like me who really struggles to speak his mind during a
conflict or disagreement, then Rule #2 above – say what you really want – is
where you need to put your focus.
Removing Your Communication ‘Filter’

During a confrontation with my wife, I
Please note: This section only applies to
have to force myself to take off my
men who naturally struggle with speaking
communication filter during these
their mind and who tend to clam up
intense conversations. Because I’m
during confrontation. If you don’t have
naturally so reserved, I have to let my
that problem, this DOES NOT APPLY. If
guard down and get a little emotional…
confrontation doesn’t make you clam up,
Not something I like doing and not
continue focusing on keeping your
something I normally recommend.
communication filter ON at all times.
The reason for this is that because I’m
not good at thinking on my feet, I may not have time to figure out what I really want out
of the conversation, so I have to blurt out what I’m feeling and then refine it throughout
the conversation.
Reviewing What We’ve Learned

Let’s quickly review what we’ve learned so far about speaking your mind and
communication in general:

1. Think before you speak. Make sure what you’re about to say will be clear and
understandable to your wife.
2. Say what you really want. You can figure this out by deciding what you want
to happen after the conversation is over.
3. Pay attention and make sure she knows it. Be actively engaged in every
conversation you ever have with your wife. If your young children can tell when
you’re paying attention to them, so can your wife.
Communication What Ifs

What if I can’t think of anything to say?
We’ll talk a little more about this in the next few chapters, but if you’re in the heat of a
tense conversation and at a loss for words, it’s okay to tell your wife, “Give me a second
to collect my thoughts.” This tells her that you really care about the conversation, AND
makes sure you say what you really mean.
What if I clam up during confrontation?

If you’re the type who struggles with speaking your mind during confrontation, you need
to practice taking off your “communication filter”. It’s okay to get emotional and say
how you feel, and then refine it throughout the conversation to make sure you’re saying
what you mean.
What if I REALLY can’t think of anything to say?

There are three things you can do if you really can’t think of anything to say in any given
conversation, whether it’s an argument or not.
1. Ask questions. Ask your wife what she means, or ask her to expand on something
she said. Ask her to tell you more, or ask her what she wants to happen after the
conversation is over. Ask her how she feels, or what she’s thinking. Ask her what you
can do.
2. Listen. A lot of us have a tendency to talk too much. If you can’t think of anything to
say, then maybe you don’t need to say anything at all. It’s okay to let your wife do
most of the talking, and simply speak up when you have something important to say.

3. Empathize. Repeat what your wife just said back to her in your own words. This
tells her that you’re listening, and it makes sure that you are both on the same page.
Or, identify how she feels about whatever it is she just said and repeat that back to
her too.
In The End, It’s All About Speaking Your Mind

Wherever you are on the communication spectrum, whether you’re naturally reserved or
naturally outspoken, the end result is the same – you have to get better at speaking your
mind. You have to be able to communicate what you’re really thinking, what you really
feel and what you really want to your wife, and you have to be able to listen when she
does the same.
Finally, remember that leading the way in good communication is your job.
You’re the one here reading this; you’re the husband; you’re the leader. That applies to
communication just as much as any other area of marriage.
Here’s why this is important…
In the beginning, I’m willing to bet that your wife WILL NOT be a very good listener.
She may not speak her mind very well… Perhaps she’s overly negative or critical, or un-
empathetic.
All of this is okay!
Just continue to work on your own conversation skills. As long as you challenge her
negativity with positivity – and make sure to do it in a way that’s genuinely helpful and
not condescending – then over time she’ll change with you. As you show your wife what
good communication looks like (and as she finds herself enjoying the feeling of being
listened to), you’ll find that she picks up on these commonsense rules and starts using
them for herself.

Now, I know that you probably still have questions about the conflict resolution side of
communication, but don’t worry… We’ll talk more about fixing marriage problems in the
next few chapters. Communication is a massive subject, which is why we have an entire
section of the book dedicated to it! In fact, the next chapter is going to be all about
problem solving, and your role as the leader in conflict resolution.

 Communication doesn't have to be difficult… Follow a few commonsense rules
and you will quickly find yourself becoming a better conversationalist.
 The three commonsense communication rules are:
1. Think before you speak. Literally, think the words in your head and
make sure they sound good, then say them out loud.
2. Say what you really want… What do you want to happen after the
conversation is over? Everything you say should be in alignment with
that goal.
 This is especially important if you’re a bit hot-headed… Use this
rule to filter what comes out of your mouth.
 This rule also helps soft spoken guys like me who have a hard
time speaking their mind in a conflict… By identifying your end
goal, you’ll have a better sense of what to say.
3. Pay attention to everything your wife says and make sure she knows
you're listening using the active listening techniques we outlined in the
chapter.
 Avoid one-way communication, which happens when you
treat a conversation like a turn-based game. Your turn, my turn,
your turn, my turn, etc.
 Expect to be the leader in communication. You may be the only one following
these communication rules at first. Soldier on and your wife will catch on over
time.

Chapter 10. The Anatomy of a
Marriage Problem
This chapter is all about becoming better at solving problems like
a leader in your marriage. You’ll learn how to evaluate the
severity of a problem, identify its true source, and resolve it
confidently and humbly.
What if you had a simple formula to solve every single problem in your marriage?
That would be awesome, right? I know I’d love it if I knew exactly what to say every time
my wife had a problem.
Unfortunately, I don’t have that secret formula and I can’t guarantee that you and your
wife won’t ever get into a fight again sometime in your life, even after you’re finished
reading this book! ;-)
However, what I can do is this:
I can teach you a basic decision-making process to help you solve problems like a
leader.
And, I can show you the exact thought-process I use to deal with problems in
my own marriage.
The Anatomy of a Marriage Problem

This chapter is all about problem-solving. As you continue reading, you’ll learn the
anatomy of a conflict. You’ll see that there are three stages in every marriage problem.
They are:
1. The Conflict
2. The Response
3. The Resolution & Apology

In this section, we’ll walk through every stage of a standard conflict and you’ll learn
specific tactics and actions to help you make the best of a bad situation.
Like I said, this chapter isn’t a guarantee that you’ll never get in a fight with your wife
again. Nor is it a guarantee that you’ll always know exactly what to say in every conflict.
But, by following the steps in this lesson, each problem you face will have the potential
to bring you closer to your wife instead of driving you further apart.
Sound good? Let’s get started.
Stage 1. The Conflict

The first part of any problem is the conflict. The conflict is the cause of the problem; it’s
what’s behind the disagreement and/or discontentment in the situation. Identifying the
conflict is hard, because problems inside a marriage are almost never what they seem on
the surface.
It’s important here to define exactly

what conflict means in a marriage and
how it comes about…
Something most people don’t realize is

that conflict is a state of being. It’s
not just defined as a one-time
disagreement. If you look up conflict
in the dictionary, you’ll see that conflict can mean “a difference that prevents agreement;
disagreement between ideas, feelings, etc.” In other words, when you have a
disagreement, you are in conflict.
Conflict can also be used as a verb, where it means “to be incompatible or to clash”.
The important point to see with these definitions is that conflict between two people
happens when something is different on one side than it is on the other. The ‘thing’
that’s different could be ideas, an opinion, an understanding, priorities, resources, or
anything else that one spouse has that the other doesn’t.

To put it more simply, conflicts lead to problems. When ideas, expectations,
priorities or feelings are different on one side than they are on the other, that’s what
causes conflict. You need to know the conflict – the source of the problem; what’s really
wrong – before you can resolve the problem.
As the husband, your job in Stage 1 is to gather intelligence. You need to figure
out the ‘thing’ that is different between you and your wife right now that’s causing
friction in the relationship. You need to figure out the source and depth of the conflict.
Once you know the real source of the conflict, you’re ready for the next stage – the
response – where you’ll clearly state the problem to your wife (or get her to state it for
you). But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. One step at a time.
The Difference Between Surface-Level & Deep Conflicts

Sometimes, the conflict is surface-level. In other words, you don’t have to dig very
deep to find it… It’s sitting there in plain sight. MOST surface-level problems are as easy
to resolve as they are to identify.
Example #1. Surface-Level Conflict
Let’s say your wife asked you to do the dishes and you said you would,
but you forgot about them and never did. She’s clearly annoyed. But, you do
the dishes you forgot to do and offer to cook dinner tomorrow. Voila! She’s
happy again!
See what happened there?
In example #1, the conflict is plainly visible: Your wife had an expectation that you
would do the dishes (because you said you would), but you didn’t.
The conflict here is because you had a one-time failure to meet her expectations (doing
the dishes), so all it takes is a one-time exceeding of her expectations (cooking dinner) to
solve the problem.
See how that works?

Since the conflict was rooted in a failure to meet expectations, it is be resolved by an
equal restoration of those expectations. Easy, right?
Other times, though, the conflict will be hidden much deeper, and deeper problems are
much harder to resolve quickly. I call these deep conflicts.
Example #2. Deep Conflict
The exact same thing happens again – your wife asked you to do the
dishes. You said that you would, but you forgot. Except, in example #2, this is
the seventh time this month that you’ve made that mistake. You try the same
solution – doing the dishes you forgot to do and offering to cook dinner – but
this time your wife is so furious that she won’t even look at you for the rest of
the night.
What’s the difference between example #1 and #2?
In example #2, the conflict isn’t because you forgot to do the dishes… The true conflict is
that she feels like a low priority. She feels like she doesn’t matter to you and that
you don’t respect her time.
In example #2, the conflict is rooted much deeper. It’s not that you’ve failed to meet
your wife’s expectations one time… It’s that you failed to meet them so many times that
she no longer believes she’s important to you. A relatively mundane-seeming problem –
forgetting to do the dishes – has become a symbol of your priorities, and they are NOT
in line with your wife’s.
Remember our definition of conflict from the beginning of the chapter?
In example #2, your wife’s understanding of your priorities is the ‘thing’ that’s different
between the two of you, and therefore, there is a problem. A big one.
That’s also why when you suggest that this problem can be resolved by a one-time
gesture, it only gets worse. Deep conflicts take much more time to resolve because they
almost always involve a reestablishing of trust.

Keep in mind, this is a simple illustration and it usually won’t be that obvious, but the
point is that you always need to investigate a little deeper into every conflict, even if it’s
just to make sure that you are, in fact, dealing with a surface-level conflict.. It’s always
better to dig too deep and find that you’re dealing with a surface-level problem than to
not dig deep enough and find out you should have.
How to Identify Deep Conflicts

There are four easy questions you can ask yourself to determine whether the problem at
hand is the result of a surface-level conflict or a deep conflict.
1. “Is this a reoccurring problem?”

In the example above, we saw that simply forgetting to do the dishes can lead to a
much deeper problem if it happens enough times. The more often that the same
problem comes up, the more it festers and hurts with each new time until it
transforms into a conflict out of your control.
2. “Is this problem affecting my wife’s trust in me or the marriage?”

In other words, is this the kind of conflict that in any way makes your wife
question whether she wants to spend the rest of her life with you?
3. “Does this problem affect my wife’s livelihood or well-being?”

You know what your wife wants out of life better than anyone… Is the conflict
preventing her from living the life she wants to live? Is it preventing her from
reaching a goal or achievement that she’s striving for? Is it preventing her from
being content?
Remember, well-being is an important area of husbandly leadership. If you fail

to protect your wife’s well-being, she will lose trust in you as a leader.
4. “Does this problem have to do with my leadership?”

Again, remember the specific areas of leadership … If you find yourself severely
lacking leadership in one of those areas, there’s a good chance that’s connected to

any major conflicts in your marriage. Honestly, the answer to this question is
almost always yes, even for surface-level conflicts.
If you can answer “Yes” to two or more of those questions (and remember, the answer to
#4 is almost always “Yes”), then chances are you’re dealing with a deep conflict. Exercise
caution.
Whatever the case, it’s your job to identify the source of the problem you’re dealing with
– whether it’s surface-level or deeper – and then respond to it appropriately. Which
brings us to…
Stage 2. The Response

As the husband, it’s your job to take the lead here and keep you and your wife on track
for a solution. The Response is Stage 2 of conflict resolution… You have two core
objectives in this stage:
1. Clearly define and state the problem, both for your own benefit and your wife’s.
2. Show your wife that you can take control of the problem like a leader.
Basically, this is where you get your wife on the same page with you, and then show her
that she can trust you to resolve the conflict.
Let’s walk through both these steps to see what exactly you should be doing in Stage 2:
Step 1. Define the Conflict – What’s Really Wrong?

When defining the source of the problem – the conflict – always remember the words
“clearly and early”…
First, you need to find a way to state the conflict clearly so that you and your wife have
an equal understanding of what’s really wrong.
Second, you need to state the problem early so that it doesn’t have time to spiral out of
control.

Try to state the source of the problem in a way that simultaneously takes responsibility
and doesn’t shift blame onto your wife. You also need to make it clear that your wife’s
problems are your problems too.
Let’s go back to our dishes example. After all, it may be mundane, but it’s a relevant
example that relates to a lot of men reading this. Most really big marriage problems start
out small, but fester and grow bigger over time because they’ve remained unanswered.
So, your wife has just blown her lid. You forgot to do the dishes AGAIN and now your
wife is extremely frustrated. If this were me, here’s what I might say to define the
conflict:
“Wow, Michele, that’s completely my fault. I never want you to doubt that
you’re the most important thing in the world to me, and I’m truly sorry that I
forgot to do the dishes. I know sometimes it seems like I don’t care about the
commitments I’ve made to you, and I know there’s nothing I can say to make
this better because actions are what really matter. But, I can tell you right
now that this won’t happen again. I love you and I’m going to do a better job
of showing you just how much.”
This is kind of a lengthy response, but you can see what I did there:
I took responsibility for the problem – I didn’t try to say, “Well, you could
have reminded me about the dishes,” or, “It’s just dishes...” I was clearly in the
wrong because I made a commitment and failed to carry it out, so I immediately
took responsibility.
I clearly addressed the root conflict – My wife was feeling unloved and
under-valued. So, I addressed the root conflict head-on and clearly
communicated how much I love her.
I made a specific apology – We’ll get more into this part in the next stage, but
it’s relevant here because my own failure was the clear source of the problem, so
an apology is part of the response.

Note that I didn’t just say “I’m sorry,” I specifically said what I was sorry for. This
is something I’ve found especially important with my wife; she hates generic
apologies. So do most women. If you’re going to apologize, make it specific.
We’ll talk more about when you should apologize (and when you shouldn’t), plus
what specifically you should apologize for, later in this chapter and more again in
Part 3.
I acknowledged that it’s too late to change the past – There are two
reasons that I do this.
1. First, it’s true… There’s nothing I can do to go back and change my

previous actions.
2. Second, just like I want to be results-oriented in what I say and do, I want
my wife to be results-oriented too. I want her focused on what I’m going to
do to fix the problem, not what I’ve done to cause it. <- This is important!
I made it clear that my actions are what need to change – Finally, this
point is especially important when dealing with those really nasty, ongoing
conflicts that seem to come up again and again.
Your wife hates hollow words. She doesn’t want to hear you say anything… She
wants to see and feel your response. You need to acknowledge that – tell her you
know that your words aren’t good enough, but that you’re going to do your best to
make your future actions speak for themselves… And then make sure they do!
Obviously, your specific response will vary a lot depending on the conflict you identified
in the first stage, but hopefully this example gives you some good food for thought.
Either way, the key takeaway from The Response stage is clearly defining the problem.
That’s the most important part. Because one of two things happen when you clearly
define the problem:
A. You’ve correctly defined the problem, and now you can start working on a
resolution. Or…

B. You’ve incorrectly defined the problem, and now you saved yourself the
time and effort of working on an unnecessary or unhelpful solution.
In both cases, you need to be sure that you’ve identified the correct problem before
moving forward.
Despite my lengthy previous example, Stage 2 can be as simple as saying:
“Okay honey, can we agree that the problem is [insert conflict here]? What can I
do to fix it?”
You can also say something like,
“I understand you feel [insert her feeling] because [insert source of problem]. Can
we agree to [insert your solution]?”
We’ll talk more about what that solution might be in a sec’.
Speak as the Leader, Not the Victim

Here’s the difference between a leader and a victim when it comes to conflict resolution:
 A victim is someone who’s been wronged.

 A leader doesn’t care if he’s been wronged; he’s 100% focused on fixing the
problem.
This is an essential part of solving problems like a leader… Even when something bad
happens to you or you’ve done something wrong, you must remember your role in the
marriage. Avoid placing blame at all costs, at least if you care about finding a
solution.
A victim gets stuck in the past.
A leader looks to the future.
This isn’t to say that you can’t show emotion or that you can’t be hurt by a bad thing that
happened in your marriage. But you need to remain results-oriented… What are you
going to do right now to fix this problem and move forward?

Stage 3. The Resolution & Apology
Finally, this is what we’ve been building towards. The Resolution – the answer to the
problem. Here’s what we’re going to learn about constructing your resolution:
1. Keep the focus on what you can control and change

2. As always, speak your mind and say what you really want
3. Understand if, when and how you should apologize
4. Be persistent in your search of a resolution
Focus on What You Can Control

All the way back in Chapter 3 we talked about focusing on what you can control. Again,
this is extremely important to remember when solving problems.
The simple truth is that there’s nothing you can do to control the way your wife thinks,
feels or acts. You can do things to help her think or feel or act a certain way, but until
you develop powers of mind control, you can’t reach in and force any change in your
wife.
So, focus your response to The Conflict around what you can control.
For example, back when I was struggling to quit looking at porn (something we’ll talk
more about in Chapter 14), my wife and I had many, many conflicts around my failures.
My response was always centered on what I personally was going to do differently to
change my behavior and stop giving into temptation.
Remember to Speak Your Mind

We spent an entire chapter learning how to speak your mind effectively. This is even
more important when dealing with marriage conflicts.

Just to recap:
 No insults
 No criticism
 No personal attacks
 Avoid sarcasm
 Take responsibility
 Address the problem, not the
person
 Be positive
 Be results-oriented
 Say what you really mean
As you’ll learn below, an apology isn’t the answer to every problem. Sometimes there are
things your wife will need to change too… When that’s the case, you need to find a way
to communicate that to her without placing blame. This can only happen if you have the
guts to speak your mind.
When & How to Apologize

As a general rule, you should only apologize when there’s something you could
have done differently to prevent a problem from occurring.
Because you’re here reading this book, chances are Note: To be clear, it’s always
good that there are a LOT of things you could have okay to apologize as a way to
done differently in your marriage. That means there express sympathy, like when
will almost always be some area of leadership that you’re sorry that your wife
you’ve failed to live up to. That’s okay, but it means didn’t get that promotion at
that even if your wife is the one pushing away from work. But hopefully that’s
the marriage, you still have something to apologize commonsense.
for.
Now, you may remember from the 9 Essential Traits of a Good Husband that a leader
doesn’t beg. Let’s be clear: apologizing is not the same thing as begging. At least,

it doesn’t have to be. An apology is purely an expression of regret for something that you
did or didn’t do.
Now that we know when to apologize, there are two very important rules to remember
about apologies:
Rule 1. Generic Apologies are Worthless

Rule 1 is that a generic apology is worthless. As we said before, when you
apologize for something, be specific. Apologize not only for the specific action
that led to the problem, but also for the way that the problem made your wife feel.
Apologize not just for the surface-level conflict, but for the deep conflicts too.
Rule 2. An Apology Without Change is Worthless

Rule 2 is that an apology without a resolution is worthless. That’s why I group the
resolution and the apology together here in one stage. An apology must come
with some sort of meaningful change, otherwise what’s the point of apologizing?
Going back to our dishes example #2, you could make the best, most thorough,
sweetest and most genuine apology in the world… But if you forget to do the
dishes again the next day, it all goes out the window.
Your actions MUST support your apology!
If At First Your Resolution Doesn’t Succeed, Try, Try Again

Sometimes your first resolution won’t work…
 Maybe your wife will like your response initially, but she’ll change her mind over
time…
 Maybe your resolution is so far off that it actually makes things worse…
That’s okay! The important part is where you end up, not how you got there.

To go back to our dishes example, there are a couple things I would do as my response:
First, I’d make the response I outlined in Stage 2.
Second, to immediately make up for the dishes I forgot to do, I’d cook a meal
for our family. Either breakfast the following day or dinner the following night.
This addresses the surface-level conflict because the task I’m doing to make up
for forgetting the dishes is a bigger task than the one I forgot. But, this only
addresses the surface problem, not the root problem, so…
Third, to fix the deep conflict (which is that my wife feels under-valued in the
marriage), I’d make a daily habit of asking my wife if there’s anything I can
help her with. At least once a day, I’d literally ask her the question, “Is there
anything I can do for you?” Sometimes, it’s really that simple… This question
lets her know that I’m willing to take time out of my day to make hers better.
The things I did here are really simple:
1. I clearly defined the problem and made a specific apology to let my wife know
that I recognize a need for change.
2. I took immediate action to fix the problem at hand. Think of this like a sample
resolution… It gives my wife a taste of the changes to come.
3. I made a permanent change in my behavior to keep my wife and I on the same
page. Remember, when you and your wife are on the same page, there’s a lot less
room for conflict.
Finally, remember that these are things that I personally would do; I’m not saying you
should take these exact examples and apply them to your marriage. They’re intended to
give you insights into how conflict resolution can work inside a marriage.
Truth be told, there isn’t a strict formula for problem solving. It just doesn’t exist;
sometimes you’ll just need to keep trying different things until something sticks. When
you find what works, keep doing it until the conflict is fully resolved.

Every problem has a different conflict at its root and thus requires a different resolution.
However, I hope that this chapter has given you some ideas for dealing with some of the
problems in your marriage right now.
Conflict resolution is an enormous subject, made even more so by the many built-in
intricacies of marriage. If you’d like to learn more, I highly recommend you read this
blog post about The Thanksgiving Dinner Problem & How I Solved it – it’s a real-life
example of a problem in my marriage and step-by-step what I did to solve it, complete
with text messages between Michele and I.

 There are 3 stages in solving every marriage problem:
o The Root Conflict – How “deep” is this problem? Is it a surface-level

conflict or a deep conflict? What about your relationship is affected by
the problem at hand? The truth is that most conflicts go back to a
failure of leadership.
o The Response – This is the first thing is you do once a problem arises.
Once you know the root conflict, it’s time to openly define the problem.
Take responsibility and make sure you and your wife both agree what
the root conflict actually is.
o The Resolution & Apology – Leaders are made by their actions, not
just their words. Apologize when there’s something to apologize for.
But, regardless of how the conflict has affected you or who’s at fault,
take responsibility for the solution. Remember to acknowledge that it’s
too late to change the past, and stay results-oriented. What are you
actually going to do or change to make the problem go away?

Chapter 11. Consistency & Being Decisive,
aka. Sticking to Your Guns
Discover how making decisions builds trust in your marriage. This
chapter is all about how to be decisive and prove your worth as a
strong husbandly leader (without being overly dominant).
This chapter is about two different aspects of husbandly leadership that go hand-in-
hand – consistency and decisiveness.
These are two pretty loaded words that can have a bunch of different meanings
depending on how you use them. So, we’re going to start off by quickly defining what
each of these virtues means inside a marriage.
First, What Does it Mean to Be Consistent in a

Marriage?
Consistency is without a doubt one of the most underestimated virtues in a marriage.
Consistency is what allows trust to grow in a marriage.
To be consistent means to be stable. It means you are a rock; a sturdy foundation. It

means that your wife knows what to expect from you, and she likes it.
Most men reading this have been inconsistent in their marriage. Maybe you used to be
really good at helping around the house, or complimenting your wife. Maybe you used to
buy her flowers or take her out to dinner. But you don’t do those things anymore.
That’s being inconsistent.
Basically, when you do or say something that sets your wife’s expectations on one thing,
but then you actually end up doing or saying something else, that’s being inconsistent.
On the other hand, when her expectations line up with your actions that probably means

you’re being consistent. (unless you’ve been so inconsistent that she expects you to be
inconsistent!)
Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint.

To win in marriage, you need to be the
tortoise, not the hare. Slow and steady wins
the race every time.
What does this cliché have to do with your

marriage?
Basically, it means you shouldn’t rush as

you’re trying to get your wife back. It’s better
to make a small change you can maintain
than a big change that you let slip after a couple weeks.
Be patient. Be consistent. Be smart.
For example, buying your wife flowers once a week will feel good for a month. Maybe
two. But how will she feel when a week or two goes by without flowers? And how will she
feel when they stop coming altogether?
Don’t get me wrong, making a commitment to buy your wife flowers once a week is great
(I don’t do this, it’s just an example), but when the habit slides, your wife is left
wondering what happened to the romance. In some ways, the good habit that falls off
does more damage than if it had never started in the first place.
It’s better to light a small fire you can maintain over time than to
light a bonfire that burns out overnight.
But, consistency doesn’t just apply to your actions… It applies to your decisions too. And
that’s why I’ve grouped the two together in this chapter. I believe that consistency and
being decisive go hand-in-hand. So, let’s talk about decisiveness and what it means in
marriage.

What Does it Mean to Be Decisive in a Marriage?
 Being decisive means that you know how to make up your mind.
 Being decisive means that you can look at your options and clearly identify which
one is the best for you, your wife and the marriage.
This is especially important because as we said earlier, leaders are expected to make
decisions. The president is expected to make the tough decisions for our country. The
boss is expected to make tough decisions for a company. The husband is expected to
make tough decisions in a marriage.
Being decisive is something that a lot of men struggle with, including myself. It’s much
easier to say, “I don’t care,” or “you decide,” than to say “we are going to do this and we
are not going to do that.”
Just like being inconsistent, being indecisive is a huge turnoff. Your wife wants a man
that can make decisions and CONSISTENTLY follow through on them.
And this is the key here…
You need to be consistent in your decision-making.

You need to be proactive; don’t wait for your wife to ask you to make the tough
decisions. By then, you’ve already been indecisive for too long.
Being decisive applies to all areas of marriage, not just the big, tough issues. Even the
little things – like where to eat for Sunday lunch or what movie to see on your date night
– are decisions that you have to be prepared to make. It’s your job to weigh the pros and
cons in each situation and to make the decision that you know in your gut is the right
one to make.
Of course, that’s not to say you shouldn’t let your wife pick where to eat or what movie to
watch! But, if she doesn’t have an opinion, it’s up to you to decide.
Sometimes, these decisions are really hard, but you have to make them anyways. For
example, let me share a story with you that I don’t usually tell people…

My Real-Life Example of a Tough Decision
that Paid Off
Some decisions are extremely difficult. Sometimes, you’ll have to make a decision that
you know is right, but that you also know your wife may not like. For me, it happened
back before my wife and I got married.
Way back when my wife and I were still dating, there was a period of time where we
lived together in the same apartment. It was partially due to financial reasons and
partially due to us just wanting to live together. It went fine; we got along well, it didn’t
cause any friction and there weren’t any huge problems with it.
However, over time I realized that we shouldn’t be living together. Religious and moral
reasons aside, I wanted our marriage to be different from our dating relationship… I
wanted it to be special and unique!
I realized that when people asked me what it was like to be married, I did NOT want to
say, “Eh, it’s pretty much the same.” Instead I wanted to say, “Marriage is awesome and
it’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced; the best decision I’ve ever made.”
So, I had to make a really tough decision… I decided to move out.
As you can imagine, it was very difficult to explain to Michele why me moving out was
actually because I loved her and wanted to be in a meaningful, long-term relationship
with her. After all, our culture tells us that living together is a step towards marriage,
and here I was wanting to move in the opposite direction. It really hurt her, and it was
one of the biggest challenges we faced in our dating relationship.
But, I knew that it was the right decision, so I stuck with it and followed through.
It hurt me and it hurt her, but I stood by my decision because I knew it was for the
greater good of our relationship.
We ended up living separately for another year and a half before finally getting married.

And yes, it was worth it… Now, when people ask me what it’s like to be married, I can
honestly tell them it’s better than anything I’ve ever experienced.
What Happens When You’re Inconsistent

or Indecisive?
We trust our president to make decisions for our country, right?
Maybe you personally don’t trust our president – that’s fine, I’m not here to talk politics
– but you can agree that the point of having a president is to enable a singular, worthy
person to make tough decisions, right?
How much would you trust our president if his response to a major crisis was, “Eh, I
don’t really care… You decide.”
Just imagine it: The president is holding a press conference in response to police
brutality, or immigration, or the latest conflict in the Middle East… The whole nation is
watching his address… And his answer to the huge urgent issue? “I don’t care; it doesn’t
matter to me.”
That would be it, right? You’d lose all trust in his ability to lead.
Even worse, what if our president decided one thing, but then a week or month or a year
later, he completely changed his mind and flip-flopped his decision? For example, what
if Barack Obama came out and said, “You know what? I don’t really care about
mandatory health insurance for everyone. It’s more trouble than it’s worth. Let’s just get
rid of Obamacare; I take it back.”
There would be riots in the streets! The entire country would lose respect for him, and
he’d probably be impeached. After all, how could such an indecisive man possibly lead
an entire country?
The answer is he couldn’t.
Well, guess what?

The stakes are exactly the same in your marriage. YOU are the leader of your marriage.
When a major decision or crisis comes up, all eyes are on you to see your response.
When you refuse to make a decision – either because you don’t care or don’t feel like it
or haven’t thought about it – you’re basically saying, “I don’t really feel like being a
leader right now; why don’t you take over for a bit?”
You don’t need me to tell you that this is an enormous turnoff for your wife. Women are
naturally attracted to men who speak their mind, make decisions and consistently follow
through with them. Women take those kind of men seriously.
And here’s the thing: there’s no excuse for being indecisive. The only wrong answer
is no answer at all. Let me state this clearly:
Even if your wife doesn’t agree with the decisions you make,
that’s 100x better than making no decision at all.
At least when you have an opinion she doesn’t agree with, that gives you a starting point.
When you make NO decision, there’s nothing to work with. Your indecisiveness forces
your wife to make decisions that she shouldn’t have to make. In doing so, she’ll lose
trust, respect and attraction for you.
Being inconsistent makes it even worse. As we said at the beginning of the chapter,
trust is BUILT on consistency… You can only trust someone when they’ve
consistently shown you that they are a trustworthy person. It’s impossible to trust
someone who is inconsistent, especially if that someone is your spouse.
Start Making a Point to Be More Decisive

From now on, I want you to start making a point of being more decisive.
Don’t start with the really big, tough decisions… Start with small things, like what to
make for dinner or what you’re going to do this weekend. You can even practice on
decisions that only affect you, like what to eat for breakfast or which route to take on
your way to a family outing.

The point is you need to practice being a good decision-maker.
In addition, make sure that you stick to every decision that you make. Don’t let yourself
be bullied or guilt-tripped out of a decision that you know is right.
Start showing your wife and yourself that you say what you mean
and mean what you say.
This is how trust grows in a marriage. No matter what your relationship with your wife
is like right now, it’s not too late to start building up that consistency.
 Be a consistently good decision-maker.

 Be consistently affectionate, as we’ll learn about in the next chapter.
 Be consistent with your domestic duties (and other areas of husbandly
leadership).
And before we wrap up this chapter, let me stress this one more time…
Being consistent does NOT come naturally.
Consistency is a virtue and decision-making is a skill. Both need time and practice to
grow. Every day when you wake up, firmly plant your feet on the ground and make a
conscious decision to be decisive.
Your homework for this chapter is to make one clear decision for your wife. It doesn’t
matter how big or small… It just has to be a decision that you confidently make and
follow through with!
Frequently Asked Question:

When Is it Okay to Bend Your Decision?
I got a few questions about this chapter from guys who’d read the early bird version of
the book, so I decided to add this section in here. These men wanted to know if it’s ever
okay to go back on a decision that you made, and if so, when?
The answer here is simple:

You should bend your decision when your decision needs bending. Use
common sense.
IMPORTANT!
In general, I’ve found that there are three times
If you do change your mind about a
when it’s good to bend or change a decision
decision that you made in the past,
that you’ve made:
be decisive about it! You can
1. When Your Decision is Wrong change your mind and still be
If you incorrectly weighed the pros and cons of decisive. The key is to go cleanly
your decision, then it makes sense to change it. from one decision to the next –
If your decision is genuinely wrong (not just don’t waffle back and forth.
because your wife doesn’t agree), then change
If you change your mind, change
your decision.
your mind. If you don’t, don’t.
2. When There’s a Better Option
If you didn’t know all of your options when you made your decision, or if there’s a new
option available that wasn’t available before, it’s perfectly acceptable to change your
decision.
3. When the Decision Matters More (or less) Than You Thought
Sometimes you’ll make a decision that your wife doesn’t like. That’s okay, and usually
she’ll get over it and respect you more for it.
But, sometimes you will vastly misjudge how much that decision matters to your wife. If
you made a decision, but then you realized that it either:
(A) Doesn’t affect you or your marriage as much as you thought, or
(B) It matters much more to your wife than you thought, then you have my
permission to rethink your decision.
Finally, remember that being consistent and decisive doesn’t mean you have to be a
stubborn ass.
 Listen to your wife.

 Weigh your options together.
 Do your best to make the decision that makes you both happy.
But, in the end it needs to be YOU making the decision. Because making decisions is
what separates the leader from the people he serves.

 Being consistent in your marriage is how you build trust over time.
 Be consistent. Consistency means doing what you say, and saying what
you’ll do. Contrary to popular belief, being predictable is actually a GOOD
thing inside a marriage, especially when it comes to husbandly leadership.
 Be decisive. As the leader of your marriage, it’s your responsibility to make
both the big tough decisions and the small everyday ones. Being decisive
shows your wife that you’re driven, and that you’ll get her where she wants to
go.
 As always, temper your consistency and decision-making with love. You’re a
husband, not a drill sergeant. The reason you need to be decisive is because in
the end, it makes your wife happy when you make decisions and stick to them.
 Homework: When the opportunity arises, make one clear, confident
decision for your wife.

Chapter 12. Showing Affection
Showing affection is arguably the easiest, most rewarding part of
maintaining a happy long-term marriage. As the husband, it’s your
job to lead in affection, and this chapter will show you what that
looks like.
Did you know that couples who regularly show affection are statistically more likely to
stay married?
This study by the Journal of Social Psychology found that the single most important
factor when predicting marital success rate was the frequency of physically affectionate
behaviors like hugging and kissing.
Most of the time when a guy says that he doesn’t “understand her needs”, affection is
what he’s talking about. We’ll talk a little bit more about why lack of affection is such a
common problem below, but for now let’s just say that it’s something a LOT of husbands
struggle with today.
In this chapter, we’re going to learn:
 Why affection is important and what kind of impact it can make on your wife and
your marriage.
 What obstacles have kept you from being affectionate in the past and specific
ways for you to start showing affection to your wife.
 We’ll finish by learning how to be affectionate when your wife is cold and distant,
since I know this is the case for some of you reading this.
The Science Behind Affection

Researchers are always looking for new ways to analyze human relationships and
identify what makes them work. There have been several recent studies that have shown
just how important affection is, particularly in marriage.

Therapists and psychologists classify affection as non-verbal communication. It’s a
way of saying “I love you” without opening your mouth. Affection is how you
communicate stability, protection, comfort and approval, all without ever saying a single
word.
But, acts of affection have other benefits too… For example, did you know that hugging
someone you love is proven to…
 Decrease stress and anxiety

 Lower blood pressure
 Improve long-term memory function
That’s right, regular hugging can actually help prevent diseases like Alzheimer’s!
How Affection Makes Marriage Addictive

(yes, literally)
Did you know that when you hug your wife, scientists have found that your brain
releases a hormone called oxytocin? This is the exact same chemical that is released
when a mother hugs her newborn baby. Oxytocin is what causes decreased stress and
increased bonding.
Or, how about this…
Did you know that when you kiss your wife, it releases the neurochemical called
dopamine? Scientists have a nickname for dopamine – the “desire drug”. It’s the
chemical that makes you want something. It’s what motivates you to take action towards
getting that thing you want.
Both oxytocin and dopamine are part of the neurological framework that make up the
brain’s reward system… This is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. It’s the part of
the brain that makes you want to do things because they feel good. The reward system is
the part of the brain that creates an appetite or craving for a certain stimulus.

For example, the reward system is what keeps alcoholics and junkies addicted to their
substance of choice. It’s what creates cravings. It’s also the reason that affectionate
couples stay together longer – husband and wife literally become addicted to
each other.
How Affection Makes You a Better Parent

That’s right – affectionate couples make
better parents.
A biologist by the name of Julian Huxley

did a study in the early 1900s on the
mating rituals of Great Crested grebes – a
bird similar to a goose or a swan. Huxley
found that grebes that repeated their
mating ritual even after the mating process was complete took better care of their
hatchlings. In other words, when two of these birds continued their courtship even after
having chicks, they took better care of their offspring.
Turns out, the same thing happens in people too… Research has shown that affectionate
parents are more committed to their children.
So, to recap the science behind affection:
 The act of both giving and receiving affection is proven to decrease stress, anxiety
and discontent.
 Physical affection is proven to keep couples more committed to each other, even
when other areas of the relationship suffer.
 Affectionate acts like hugs, kisses and cuddling activate the brain’s reward
system, which is the part of the brain responsible for feelings of wanting and
desire.
 Affectionate partners make better, more committed parents than unaffectionate
ones.

Why Do So Many Men Struggle with Affection?
As you can see from the date of some of these studies, the benefits of affection aren’t
anything new. That Great Crested grebes study took place over 100 years ago!
So, if being affectionate has so many well-known benefits, why are so many of today’s
husbands so bad at it?
I’ll be honest with you…
I was bad at affection too, until I made a conscious effort to change.
There are three big reasons I was bad at affection, but most of them boil down to the
simple fact that I didn’t know just how important affection is inside a marriage.
Reason 1. Your Parents Weren’t Affectionate

Do you remember your dad ever showing affection to your mom? Did your parents
regularly kiss or hold hands or hug in front of you?
If your parents were anything like mine, the answer is a resounding “No”.
My parents were not affectionate. I can think of only a handful of times throughout my
entire childhood that I ever saw them kiss. I don’t think I ever once saw them hold
hands or hug.
My parents weren’t affectionate towards each other and they weren’t really affectionate
towards us kids. Sure, I knew in my head that they loved each other and that they loved
me, but I never saw proof and I certainly never felt it. They never went out of their way
to show physical affection to me or each other.
Have you ever heard of the intergenerational cycle of violence? It’s when two parents
have an abusive relationship, and then the child grows up to be abusive to their spouse.
And then they have kids (whom they abuse) and their kids grow up to be abusive, and
the cycle continues.
Well, this intergenerational style of influence doesn’t just apply to abuse. Everybody’s
default behavior in a relationship is hugely influenced by their parents… This means

that because my parents weren’t affectionate, I’m naturally not affectionate either. I
didn’t grow up with it, so I don‘t do it.
Let me be clear: I’m not here to make excuses, and I’m not blaming my parents in any
way for my bad habits. Neither should you. I love both my parents and they gave me a
great childhood. But, that doesn’t change the simple truth that most men don’t have
any real-life example of what affection looks like in a marriage.
Reason 2. Fear of Rejection: “What if I look stupid, weak or weird?”

Because affection wasn’t normal behavior for me, displays of affection have always made
me uncomfortable. I never wanted to hug my friends at school, I felt awkward hugging
my girlfriends, and even today I’m not naturally prone to public displays of affection.
If I really dive into it though, the real reason that I don’t like being affectionate has
nothing to do with the actual act of affection… It goes back to an underlying fear of
rejection. When I’m out in public and want to kiss my wife, I hesitate…
 “What if I look weak, or stupid or weird?”

 “What if my wife doesn’t return my affection?”
 “What if I get embarrassed?”
These are all excuses that run through my mind at the mere thought of giving my wife a
hug or kiss in public.
You have to overcome the fear of rejection to be affectionate. You have to tell
yourself, (A) that nothing bad is going to happen as a result of your affection, and (B)
that it doesn’t matter anyways because as the husband it’s your duty to be affectionate
whether you like it or not.
Reason 3. You Don’t Know How to Be Affectionate

Finally, perhaps the biggest reason that most men fail to show affection is that we
simply don’t know how. Or we don’t know that it’s important.
Again, going back to Reason 1, guys today simply have no example of what affection
looks like in a marriage. We don’t know what being affectionate looks like, and so we

don’t do it. Heck, we probably don’t even think about being affectionate; it’s simply not
on our radar. We don’t think it’s a priority.
Fortunately, this is the easiest problem of the three to fix.
As you continue reading, you’re going to learn the proper mindset for showing affection
and specific ways to be affectionate.
The Right Mindset for Affection:

Her Pleasure is Your Pleasure
Before we talk about the specific acts of affection to integrate into your marriage, we
first need to address the root of the problem… We need to put you in the right mindset
to display genuine affection to your wife.
From now on, you need to look at your wife like this:
Her pleasure is your pleasure.
What Does It Mean?

“Her pleasure is your pleasure” means that the things that make her happy should also
make you happy, for the simple reason that her being happy makes you happy.
Things that make her feel good should make you feel good, because her feeling good
makes you feel good.
For any Christians reading this, there’s a clear scriptural call for husbands to treat their
wives in this way:
Ephesians 5:28 – In this same way, husbands ought to love their

wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
You don’t have to be a Christian to see what this means… As long as you and your wife
remain united in marriage, her happiness and welfare are directly connected to your
own.

When she’s happy, you’re happy. When she’s not, you’re not.
Again, this doesn’t just apply to marriage… This is what makes leaders worth following.
Leaders in any form should always make their happiness and satisfaction dependent on
the happiness and satisfaction of the people they lead.
Unfortunately, this mindset – her pleasure is your pleasure – is one of those things
that’s easy to explain but difficult to put into practice. But, when you do it right, you’ll
make your love for your wife and your ability to care for her undoubtable. She will have
supreme confidence that you are the man she wants to spend her life with.
A Word on Showing Affection When She’s Separated or Distant

(aka. Avoiding Nice Guy Syndrome)
Remember the Nice Guy Syndrome we talked about all the way back in Chapter 4?
Nice Guy Syndrome means that you do nice things because you secretly expect
something in return. “Her pleasure is my pleasure” mindset is the polar opposite.
Genuine affection comes from the heart; as the husband, you show affection for the pure
pleasure of making your wife’s life better.
If you’re facing separation, divorce, or simply a cold wife, then there are going to be
times where you want to be affectionate, but you’re not sure if it’s a good idea. Avoiding
‘Nice Guy Syndrome’ is how you remain affectionate during these times of distance in
your marriage.
In general, when you run into questions like this where you want to do something kind
or affectionate for your wife, but you aren't sure if it's a good idea, just ask yourself...
"Am I doing this out of genuine love for my wife? Am I doing this
because I genuinely want her life to be better? Or, am I doing this out
of a desire to control her?"
In other words, motivation is everything. I believe that if there's something
affectionate that you want to do truly because you love your wife and you want her life to
be better, then you should do it, even if there's a slight chance it could come off as

desperate. Trust your gut, and recognize that even if she isn't overly receptive to your
affections, you're still doing them with a good heart because you are a good husband,
and that's all you need to be worried about.
But!
If you look into your motivations and deep down recognize that the only reason you're
trying to be affectionate is because you're actually just trying to manipulate your wife's
feelings about you, then that's a good sign you shouldn't do it. Anything done with
ulterior motives is almost always a bad idea.
So, if you look in the mirror and realize, "Hey, I'm only being affectionate because I want
her to see what a good husband I am," then that's an ulterior motive and you probably
shouldn't do it (or adjust your motives). But, if you can honestly say, "It's not about
whether or not she recognizes that I'm a good husband; I'm affectionate because I
honestly just want her life to be better."
It's a very slight shift in mindset, but it's an important one that applies to a lot of
different situations. The reason this distinction is important is because having ulterior
motives is actually what makes you desperate. Desperation is what happens when you
want control but don't have it… Desperation is what causes a man to beg. The reason
that begging is such a no-no is because what drives most men to beg is NOT a desire to
save their marriage, but a desire to save themselves and make themselves feel good.
As we’re getting ready to discuss specific ways to show affection, keep this “her pleasure
is your pleasure” mindset at the front of your thoughts. In every act of affection you do
for your wife, do it because her pleasure is your pleasure. It’s worth doing these things
because they make her life better, which in turn makes your life better.
Got it?
Ready to think positively and be affectionate?
Here’s how:

Make a Conscious Effort to Show Affection
Twice a Day
Hollywood and pop culture tells us that affection is invalid if it’s not spontaneous. We’ve
been trained to believe that cuddling, kissing and canoodling should all be impulsive
acts of passion; we think that they lose their value if they’re planned.
This couldn’t be further from the truth – the first and most important part of showing
affection is to make a conscious effort to do it. You will never show affection if you don’t
make it a priority.
Starting today, commit yourself to affection. A good way to start building this habit
is to force yourself to do something affectionate for your wife at least twice a day… Once
in the morning and once in the evening.
Scientists have shown that a simple act of positive affection in the morning can have a
lasting impact throughout even the most stressful days. So, that’s why we make sure to
have at least one affectionate interaction in the morning.
Then, we have an affectionate interaction at nighttime because we want to end the day
on a positive note. Plus, the affectionate action in the evening reinforces the affection
that you showed in the morning. It reinforces that the fact that your affection doesn’t
come by chance… From now on, you’re a genuinely affectionate husband. That’s what
you want to show your wife.
Specifics Ways to Show Affection

The Usual Suspects – Hugs, Kisses, Holding Hands
These are the staples of physical affection. Hugs, kisses, handholding, caresses, back
rubs, cuddles… These are all things that you should incorporate into your new affection
action plan.

Hopefully you don’t need me to explain the mechanics behind these simple physical
acts… I’m sure you can do a search on Google to learn how to give your wife a hug, if
that’s information you really need to know ;-)
The reason I’m listing these here is because

they’re important… You MUST incorporate
physical acts of affection into your marriage if at
all possible, even if you and your wife aren’t on
good terms. I’ll have a quick section at the end of
this chapter for those of you dealing with an
extremely distant wife, but the rest of you should
have no problems incorporating physical acts of
affection into your routine.
Appreciate the Little Things

Affection doesn’t have to be physical… Verbal acts of affection are shown to have many
of the same benefits as physical ones.
For example, one study showed that writing a short love letter – merely thinking
affectionate thoughts and putting them on paper – dramatically reduced cholesterol
levels.
Make a point of appreciating the little things. When your wife does something that
makes your life or your marriage better, let her know!
I actually developed a little technique that has really helped me be more appreciative. I
like to call it ‘compliment planning’.
Compliment Planning
Because I want to make a conscious effort to show my wife affection, sometimes it helps
me to plan my compliments ahead of time.
Here’s how it works:

Real-Life Example of Compliment Planning
At the beginning of this week, I decided that I wanted to tell my wife how
much I love being married to her. So, I tucked that compliment into the back
of my mind and kept it there until a good opportunity arose to use it.
Sure enough, a couple days later my wife decided to make us breakfast, and I
already had that compliment ready and waiting for her. All I had to do was
apply it to the situation at hand. Here’s exactly what I said:
“Wow, Michele, thank you so much for making us breakfast. I don’t tell
you enough how much I love being married to you; you make my life
so much better!”
Of course, she was thrilled to hear it and I could tell it made her really happy.
She was glowing and affectionate for the rest of the day!
See? Compliment planning is really simple, but extremely powerful. You can do it for
yourself by following these three simple steps:
1. Come up with a genuine compliment… It could be about one of your wife’s

attributes, or something that she does that you appreciate, or about the positive
effect she’s had on your life.
2. With that compliment in the back of your mind, start looking for an opportunity
to say it to her.
3. When the opportunity comes, adapt the compliment to the situation at hand and
say it.
Then, all you have to do is enjoy seeing your wife happy! You don’t have to be a poet to
give meaningful, well-thought-out compliments to your wife… You just have to set aside
a little time to plan out your affection.

Surprise!
Everybody loves surprises, and they’re one of the
best ways to show affection to your wife. Surprises
are also one of those things that you probably used
to do a lot when you were courting your wife, but
rarely do anymore now that you’re married.
Surprises don’t have to be big and flashy… You

don’t have to show up to her work with a giant
teddy bear and a bouquet of flowers. It can be
something simple, like doing the dishes when it’s
her turn, or making a dinner reservation for a surprise date night.
Surprises are a particularly powerful form of affection because they keep the marriage
interesting. When you surprise your wife, it shows her that you’re not taking her for
granted.
Coming up with a good surprise is pretty easy – it just has to be something unexpected
that also makes her life better. As long as it fits those two requirements, just about
anything you come up with should be good.
If you need a specific number to shoot for, I would try to surprise your wife in some way
at least a couple times a month. Once a week is even better. Again, it doesn’t have to be
fancy; it just has to be unexpected and enjoyable for her! Sometimes simpler is better.
Need some help coming up with ideas for your next surprise? It may help you to learn
her love language…
What Is Her Love Language?

I don’t recommend very many relationship or marriage books. Most of the time, popular
marriage advice is either unhelpful or just plain wrong. However, there’s a great book
my wife and I have both benefitted from called The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
Basically, the theme of the book is that people tend to show and receive love in one or
two of five different ways, otherwise known as love languages. The 5 love languages are:
1. Words of affirmation and encouragement

2. Acts of service
3. Giving & receiving gifts
4. Quality time together
5. Physical touch
Here’s a PDF version of the Love Language quiz for couples. It’s only 30 questions long
and it’s 100% free… You don’t even need to give them an email address. Print it out and
take it for yourself.
After taking the quiz, you may be surprised at the results… Turns out, my love languages
are physical touch and words of encouragement. My wife’s are quality time and acts of
service.
This means that if I really want to make Michele feel valued and loved, the best way to
do that is to spend quality time with her or do something nice for her. She LOVES it
when I tidy our bedroom, go grocery shopping or cook her breakfast without being
asked, or when we sit at the table together and chat after a long day.
Hopefully you get the idea here. If you don’t know your wife’s love languages, you can
try asking her. Or, better yet, do the quiz together and figure it out. You could even get
the book on Amazon for about $10. You’ll both be better for it.
There’s no affiliate link here or anything like that… I don’t get anything out of
recommending this book to you. It’s a great resource I’ve used in my own marriage, and
that’s why I’m sharing it with you here.

5 Rules for Showing Affection
When She’s Distant
Is your wife extremely distant? Or maybe you’re already separated and on your way to
divorce?
If this is you, showing affection will be much more challenging because you’ll have fewer
opportunities to do so. And, even when you do show affection, your wife probably won’t
respond to it in the way you’d hope.
But, just because she won’t respond to it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. Again, being
affectionate – seeking your wife’s pleasure as your own – is part of being a good
husband. Until the divorce papers are signed and you are no longer in that role, it’s
your job to be affectionate. However, special rules may apply:
Rule 1. No Ulterior Motives

We talked about this earlier… Avoiding Nice Guy Syndrome is most important when
your wife is distant. You truly can’t have any ulterior motives… Don’t be affectionate
because you’re trying to change her mind; just be affectionate because that’s the kind of
husband you want to be. If you’re affectionate, make sure you’re being genuine.
The moment you bring ulterior motives to your affections is the moment that they
become meaningless and desperate.
Rule 2. Keep it Simple

If your relationship with your wife is hostile or distant, physical affection may not be an
option, but you can still look for opportunities to be affectionate in other ways. For
example, you can still surprise your wife or give her a heartfelt compliment.
Again, use your own judgment here, but even the coldest wife enjoys genuine
appreciation. However, remember that if you’re overly affectionate, she may perceive it
as begging or desperation.

Rule 3. Be Patient
Affection takes time to have an effect, especially if your wife is used to an emotionless,
apathetic husband. Don’t expect your invigorating displays of affection to instantly
transform your marriage.
Remember what we learned in the last chapter? We learned that consistency is how you
build trust in a marriage. You have to be consistently affectionate for your wife to
believe it’s real.
Rule 4. Don’t Try to Buy Her Love

The one thing that you absolutely cannot do in this situation is try to buy your wife’s
affections. If your marriage is on the rocks, do NOT try to woo her with a fancy dinner
and an expensive bouquet of flowers. These things will feel hollow to your wife; they will
just push her further away.
When your wife is cold and distant, your affection must be more sincere than ever.
Affection can only be shown; not bought.
Rule 5. Use Your Own Judgment

In the end, you’ll have to use your own judgment if your wife is distant.
Everyone’s circumstances are different, so I can’t give you a hard and fast action plan for
what to do in this situation. Just do your best and make a conscious effort to be
affectionate… As long as you try, your wife will notice.
Finally, if your wife is distant, I have one last encouraging fact about affection that you’ll
want to hear:
Researchers found that couples who are affectionate are more likely to rate their
relationship with their spouse as “intensely in love”, even if there are other
problems in the marriage.
Affection has real power in a marriage; the worst thing you can do is not even try to be
affectionate.
Who knows? You may be surprised at your wife’s reaction!

 Affection has been scientifically proven to make marriages last longer, to make
relationships stronger and to increase happiness while decreasing stress.
Affection has a positive physiological effect on the brain.
 Men struggle with showing affection for a variety of reasons, but in the end it
doesn’t matter – you still need to find a way to lead in affection.
 There are lots of different ways to show affection to your wife; it’s up to you to
evaluate your options and then incorporate the most meaningful methods of
affection into your routine.
 Doing the 5 Love Languages quiz with your wife can be a great way to see what
type of affection your wife responds to, and what type of affection you’re
naturally gifted at showing.
 It’s perfectly possible to be affectionate even when your wife is distant from
the marriage, but you need to be very careful and follow the 5 rules outlined at
the end of this chapter.

Chapter 13. The Cold, Distant Wife
This chapter is all about getting inside the mind of a cold, distant
wife. You’ll learn how to interpret her coldness, then you’ll learn
the REAL reason your wife is pushing away from the marriage
and what you can do about it.
Do you ever feel lonely inside your own home?
How do you communicate with a woman who has no interest in speaking with you? Or
maybe your wife doesn’t even want to see you, much less have a conversation?
Either way, she’s certainly not interested in being affectionate or loving.
One of the most common questions I get from Husband Help Haven readers is how to
deal with a cold and distant wife. By the end of this chapter, you’ll know the specific
reason your wife is so cold and how exactly you should respond to it. This isn’t just fluff;
this chapter is full of clear, actionable advice that will give you the strength and
knowledge to weather your wife’s cold chill.
You Know You Have a Cold Wife If…

 Your marriage feels lonely, like
you’re the only one trying.
 It feels more like you’re her
roommate than her spouse.
 Your relationship is business-like
on its good days, hostile on the
worst days, but never loving or
affectionate.
 She has no interest in intimacy or sex, not even a hint of desire for the bedroom.
 Maybe you don’t really even care about the sex; you just want to feel loved again.

As you continue reading, first we’re going to figure out what type of cold wife you’re
dealing with (there are 6 different kinds), then we’ll learn the most common reasons
behind a wife’s chill and how you should respond to each reason.
But first, let’s make sure we know what we’re NOT talking about.
You Do NOT Have a Cold Wife If…

The Only Problem is a ‘Low Sex Drive’
Make sure that your problem with your cold wife isn’t just about sex. Your wife isn’t
“cold” if she has a low sex drive.
I’ve seen way too many online forum threads started by guys complaining about not
getting as much sex as they want. Of course, these guys get exactly the response they’re
looking for – Other commenters chime in with stuff like, “What a cold b*tch! You
deserve sex every day if you want it! Tell your wife she needs to put out or get out!”
Yeah… This type of problem doesn’t count as having a cold wife.
Are you surprised that these guys usually come back to the forum in a couple months
with news of their divorce?
She Genuinely Struggles to Show Affection

Just like I and many other men struggle to show affection, many women have the same
problem. She might not know what marital affection looks like.
Or, some women have a true emotional or mental disorder that makes it very difficult
for them to show affection. This is usually a result of past abuse or neglectful parenting.
For example, many child abusers use affection for the sole purpose of luring their
victims into a sense of security… This can make any kind of affection a lifelong struggle
for the victim.
Again, for the purpose of this chapter, we aren’t talking about this type of cold wife.
If this is your wife, try to be patient. If she has emotional problems or has an abusive
past, look into counseling. Find her someone to talk to about her past. This is one of

those things that’s out of your hands… Until you invent a time machine, you can’t go
back and change your wife’s upbringing. What you can do is be patient and forgiving;
you can be the rock that stands by her through thick and thin.
In this chapter we’re talking about a wife who is genuinely cold, both physically and
emotionally, towards both you and the marriage.
Ready to learn why your wife is cold? Keep reading.
Which Type of Cold Wife Do You Have?

Read These 5 Common Excuses Cold Wives
Make
What does your wife say to you when you try to initiate affection? How does she respond
to your efforts to repair the marriage?
Through my research and talking with the men inside Husband Help Haven, I’ve
identified 5 common excuses that most cold wives give for their distance from the
marriage. In other words, if you try and talk to your wife about the marriage, these are
the five most common reasons you’ll hear as her way of explaining what’s wrong.
Read each excuse carefully to figure out which kind of cold wife you’re dealing with.
Keep in mind that every man’s situation is different and your wife may fit into multiple
different excuses.
Excuse 1. “It’s not you, it’s me”

Does your wife say things about needing to
work on herself, or needing to “figure things
out”?
Does she say that she’s “not happy right now”

or “needs to get some space”? Does she have an

almost sympathetic tone, as if she pities you for not seeing the marriage the same way
she does?
If this is your wife, what she’s really saying to you is that she doesn’t
believe you’re strong enough to take responsibility for the marriage.
Excuse 2. “We’re so boring”

Another common excuse you’ll hear from a cold wife is that she just doesn’t feel excited
by the marriage.
Maybe she’ll want to start going out way more than any married person should. Perhaps
she’ll want to start going to parties and hanging out with friends. You’ll let her go,
thinking that maybe she can bring some of that fun back to the marriage…
Unfortunately, things stay just as cold as ever at home.
Or, maybe things have gotten worse than that…
Maybe she’s feeling so bored that she’s looking outside the marriage for some
excitement. Many times an unfaithful wife will use either this excuse or excuse #5 as a
justification for her infidelity.
If this is your wife, it means that she no longer believes you can keep her
excited for a lifetime. It also means that your wife is probably going through
a midlife crisis.
Excuse 3. “I just don’t want to talk about it”

Is this what your wife says when you try to talk to her about your marriage?
She isn’t angry or frustrated; she just shuts down. She clams up. It’s like talking to a
brick wall. She doesn’t have anything to say to you.
At its worst, this type of cold wife may even refuse to respond at all. She may literally say
nothing, even if she’s totally normal and acts like nothing’s wrong when you’re out in
public.

If this is your wife, what she’s really saying is “I don’t think there’s any way
you can fix this problem.” She feels so hopeless that she literally doesn’t
believe it’s worth the effort to try and communicate.
The type of cold wife that gives Excuse #3 and Excuse #5 are typically the most difficult
to deal with because they are the most resistant to communication. By this point,
she’s already mentally packed her bags.
Excuse 4. “I’m not ‘in love’ with you anymore”

This is sort of a fusion of the first two excuses – the “It’s not you, it’s me” and the “I’m
bored” excuses.
The difference here is that this type of cold wife is much

less sympathetic than the first one. She does NOT take
responsibility for her unhappiness; it’s your fault that
she’s not in love with you anymore.
While the excuse here is similar to the first one, what

she’s really saying is closer to the reasoning behind the
second excuse. With this excuse, she’ll probably say things about there being no passion
left in the marriage.
Basically, she’s saying there’s no hope – the idea of being ‘in love’ is sold by Hollywood
as something that you can’t control. Since she’s not ‘in love’ anymore, there’s nothing
either of you can do to change it.
What she’s saying is, “I can’t help it and I can’t change it, and you can’t
change it either. There’s no passion and you can’t force me to be ‘in love’.”
… But you and I both know that it’s very possible to rebuild attraction!
Excuse 5. “You’re a bad husband; just leave me alone!”

This is definitely the most difficult type of cold wife to deal with because not only does
she refuse to communicate… She actively pushes you away. You have to withstand a
constant barrage of attacks, and it will be very painful and very difficult.

When your wife constantly insults you, refuses to communicate with you and is repulsed
by being affectionate with you, what it really means is that she’s trying to make you
afraid of getting close to her.
She’s trying to make you want to leave her so that it’ll be easier for her to
leave you. She’s trying to get you to do the hard work of separation by
pushing you away.
You can’t let her win. Prepare yourself for the hardest battle of your life. It will feel like
you can’t combat this type of cold wife, but by weathering the storm, you ARE fighting
back.
The REAL Reason Your Wife is Cold

& What to Do About It
Now we know the most common excuses that your wife might give for being cold. But,
the excuses you just read aren’t the real reason that your wife is withdrawing from the
marriage… The excuses above only reflect your wife’s personal perspective on the
marriage. They’re the excuses she’ll say to you, maybe even the excuses she’ll tell herself.
No matter what she says, remember…
The excuses above aren’t the REAL reason she’s cold. As you continue reading, you’ll
learn the possible reasons that really stand behind your wife’s cold shoulder.
Reason 1. She’s Having an Affair

(The Stereotypical Answer)
The most common justification you’ll hear online for a cold wife is that she’s having an
affair. And it’s certainly true… An affair is a definite possibility, especially if the distance
between you and your wife grew suddenly or out of nowhere. In cases like this, usually
it’s an emotional affair, not a physical one.

Honestly, I don’t like this answer and it does NOT apply to most of the men
reading this. I know that many of you are dealing with an affair right now, and that’s
something we’ll cover more in another chapter. Until then, here’s the right response:
The Right Response:

Until you have real proof to justify your suspicions – something other than a change in
her attitude – it’s completely pointless to worry about an affair. All that worrying will
do is make YOU feel worse, and it will do nothing to actually fix the problems causing
your wife to be so cold.
Think about it… Even if your wife is having an affair, you can’t do anything until you
have proof. If you confront her, she’ll deny it. If you question where she’s been or who
she’s been talking to, it will just push her further away.
If you really do suspect an affair, keep your eyes open. If you find hard proof of her
infidelity, fine. But until then, your time is better spent trying to figure out a different
reason your wife is being cold or distant.
We’ll talk more about what to do when your wife is having an affair in Chapter 18.
Reason 2. She’s Discontent

(The Most Likely Answer)
This is definitely the most common reason behind a cold wife.
Discontent…
She feels like the marriage has no value, like it’s not adding anything to her life. In fact,
right now she may feel like everything in her life is meaningless; like she’s wasted years
and years that she will never get back.

Discontentment means that something vital is missing from her
life.
Discontentment means that there’s something your wife desperately needs that she’s not
getting. It could be validation, attention, excitement or recognition. Either way, until she
gets what she’s looking for, your marriage won’t be a priority.
It’s important to note that discontentment is often accompanied by a midlife crisis.

Like we mentioned in a side note all the way back in Chapter 1, a midlife crisis happens
when (A) you feel like your life has been wasted and (B) you realize that you don’t have
much time left to get the life you want, so you make big changes to start getting what
you think will make you happy.
The Right Response:

Think about this for a moment…
At its core, discontentment stems from low self-esteem. For some reason, your
wife doesn’t view herself as valuable. She’s probably feeling a lot of regret for decisions
she’s made in her life.
Important! Remember to make sure
Ultimately, your wife’s discontentment is that anything you do in an attempt to
a problem that she must solve for herself. boost your wife’s self-esteem is 100% for
You can’t force your wife to feel content, her benefit. You cannot have ulterior
because it requires a realignment of motives. If the only reason you try to
priorities on her part. That’s something make your wife feel better is because
you simply cannot do for her. you’re afraid of losing the marriage, you
What you can do is this: will simultaneously invalidate everything

nice you do for your wife and push her
 Look for ways to communicate the
further away.
impact that your wife and your
marriage has had on your life.
 Affirm her value as a human being and as a woman.

 Remind her of positive experiences and memories you’ve built in your marriage;
things that she will treasure for the rest of her life.
 Reassure her that no matter what happens, you’ll always treasure the years you’ve
spend together in the marriage.
She’s discontent because she can’t see the value that she’s created in her life right now.
That means that the only way to overcome that midlife crisis is when she DOES see the
value of what she’s done in her life. Do your best to show it to her.
The other way that you can help your wife find contentment in your marriage is to
become content yourself. Show her what contentment looks like. Try your best to
remain strong, peaceful and positive.
In most cases like this, if you can manage to keep her in the marriage – to keep her in
close proximity to your leadership – then her discontentment will fade over time.
Discontentment is a phase; she just needs you to stand strong and remind her what
matters in life.
Reason 3. Physical, Mental or Situational

Changes
(A Possible Answer)
Big changes outside of your marriage can lead to
big changes inside of your marriage. This isn’t
usually the real reason that your wife is cold, but
it’s definitely possible.
I’ve had more than a few men come to me

seeking help with a wife who became very cold following a major life change or change
in her circumstances.
For example, any of these big life changes could be the reason for your wife’s cold
shoulder:

- Your wife just got a new job
- Either you or your wife lost her job
- You and your wife just had a new baby
- You and your wife just miscarried a baby
- A family member or close friend passed away
- Either spouse gained a lot of weight relatively quickly (over the course of a year or
two)
Change can be very hard to deal with, even if the change should be a good one, such as
having a new baby or getting a new job. Even positive change can be very stressful. And
when you’re stressed, it’s near impossible to be affectionate… It simply doesn’t sound
appealing.
The Right Response:

The good news is that this is usually one of the easier problems to solve. Your wife is
cold because she’s feeling overwhelmed. She may feel like you haven’t done enough to
help her or to make her life easier. Again, this is an easy problem to fix!
What you need to do is look for little ways to make your wife’s life easier.
Surprise her. Show her you’re pulling your weight. Even though she’s being cold, ask her
if there’s anything you can do for her.
And yes, it’s okay to give her space if you think that will help. Often, a healthy dose of
patience is all you need to get through and resolve this problem.
That being said, there are a couple pitfalls you may run into here:
First, you need to make sure that you don’t make yourself into a doormat.
Be affectionate, do nice things without her asking, you can even do LOTS of nice things
without her asking, but don’t be her slave.
Second, just like when your wife is discontent, make sure that whatever you do is with
no ulterior motives. You should be being nice for the sake of making her life easier,
not purely so that she’ll open up to you.

Remember, a man who does something for free is strong; a man who does something to
win affection is begging.
Reason 4. You’re The One Being Domineering or

Controlling
(Make Sure This Isn’t the Answer)
I hope this isn’t the case, but it needs to be said…
Some men believe that they’re dealing with a cold wife when the reality is that YOU are
the one pushing her away.
I wasn’t going to include this in the book as a reason for a cold wife, but during my
research I found an astonishing number of testimonials from women who basically said:
“Yes, I am a cold wife, but you know what? He deserves it. The only reason I’m
cold is because my husband is so domineering and mean that I’ve learned it’s
easier to keep my mouth shut.”
Is this you?
Maybe you’re not domineering and controlling right now, but you were in the past. Look
carefully in the mirror and listen to the words that come out of your mouth… Is there
ANY way you’re being overly controlling, critical or mean?
The Right Response:

Unfortunately, it’s very hard to recover from this problem
simply because it’s nearly impossible for YOU to identify.
That’s the other reason why I almost didn’t include this
reason in this chapter – this type of controlling behavior is
extremely difficult to self-analyze.

In other words, if you really are the one being domineering or controlling, you won’t
know it. You probably won’t look in the mirror and think, “Wow, you’re right, I AM
domineering.”
Most men don’t know this about themselves until a third-party outside the marriage
tells them, and usually they’ll need to be told several times.
If you think there is even a slight possibility that this could be the problem causing your
wife to be cold, like I said, take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror. Really listen
to the things you say to your wife.
Remember that for every one time you catch yourself being critical or
controlling, there are five more times that you didn’t notice.
If you’re really worried, this is also one of the times where I’ll recommend a marriage
counselor…
Explain to the counselor that you have a fear that you’ve been overly controlling with
your wife, and ask him/her to focus on that aspect of your relationship. Your wife may
be willing to open up to a third-party, and they’ll have an easier time identifying any
overly controlling behavior than you will. Even if your wife won’t go with you, individual
counseling may still be helpful and revealing.
Reason 5. Depression
(A Surprisingly Common Answer)
This one is probably obvious, but I’m saying it anyways. If your wife suffers from manic
depression or bipolar disorder, then an occasional cold season is bound to occur in the
relationship.
If managed incorrectly, an episode of depression can fester and last for months or even
years. Connecting with her will be very difficult during this time, and affection will likely
go out the window.

The Right Response:
If your wife is depressed, there
are two things you need to do:
One, be strong.
Two, get help.
Be strong by drawing strength

from the fact that this has
nothing to do with you. Plan on
‘carrying’ the relationship during your wife’s episodes of depression. Be strong by doing
your best to love your wife more than you thought possible.
… And no, I don’t mean show her that you love her more than you thought possible, I
mean inside your own heart… Keep your love for your wife strong and thriving. It’s the
only way you’ll get through these struggles. The moment you let yourself get frustrated
with her; the moment you let yourself ask “Why can’t she just be happy?”; that’s the
moment your wife will feel validated in pushing you away.
Two, when I say get help, I mean get professional help. If this has been a lifelong
problem, your wife probably has some sort of medication and/or a pre-existing
therapist. Make an appointment. If she doesn’t have a therapist, get one. Personally, I’d
try to stay away from anti-depression meds and look to holistic answers like exercise,
Vitamin D and other stuff like that.
You may or may not need a marriage counselor here. That being said, I’d avoid marriage
counseling unless you can find a counselor that has special training in dealing with
depression inside of a marriage. Be sure to ask for references, and ultimately trust your
gut on this decision.

Reason 6. She’s the Breadwinner
I know that it’s politically incorrect to say that a
marriage can’t work when the wife is the only
breadwinner, but frankly, I’ve seen very few
healthy, thriving marriage in which the wife was
the only one making money. I’ve seen WAY more
crumbling marriages in which the wife was the
only one making money.
Again, I know that this is just my own experience

talking. I’m not saying a single-income marriage
where the wife is the one working can’t function; they’re just harder to pull off.
When the husband stays home and the wife works, it presents a lot of unique challenges
that you MUST deal with, otherwise you’ll end up in a loveless marriage… Your wife will
become deeply frustrated because she feels like she pulls way more than her weight in
the relationship. She’ll simultaneously feel entitled to lead the marriage, and she’ll
resent you for making her lead.
If you’re reading this and you recently lost your job or you’re going to school while your
wife supports the family, there’s a good chance that this is the reason your wife is cold.
I know this sucks to hear, especially if you recently got laid off. But, it’s the truth, and I
know you’re here reading this because you care about making a change and getting your
wife back.
The Right Response:

As I said all the way back in Chapter 6, you can and should be the leader in your
marriage even if you’re a stay-at-home dad. You do it by pulling an indisputable amount
of weight both inside the household and the relationship.

In other words, you need to do so much… You need to make your wife’s life so much
easier… That she CANNOT doubt you’re contribution to the marriage. Take as much off
her plate as possible so that all she has to worry about is working; you’ve got everything
else covered.
Also, even if your wife is the one making all the money, it’s still your job to manage that
money for you and your family. Even if you’re not bringing home the bacon, it’s still
your job to make sure your family is staying financially afloat. Again, that’s one of the
areas of husbandly leadership we covered in Chapter 6.
The worst-case scenario is when your wife has to go to work to make all the money for
your family, then come home and do all the work to keep the house running. Meanwhile,
all she ever sees you do is browse Facebook and watch TV. Avoid this type of scenario at
all costs!
How to Interact With a Cold Wife

We’ll talk a lot more about what to do during a separation, complete with an in-depth
list of do’s and don’ts, in the next part of the book. For now, let’s talk a bit about the day-
to-day communication with a cold wife, and some of the challenges you’ll face.
NOTE: Some of these rules may not apply if you’re already separated. Again, if
you’re dealing with a full on separation, we’ll get to that later. Take what you can
from this section, but if you still have questions, they should be answered in the
next part of the book.
Striking a Balance
First, it’s important to remember that you never want to come across as desperate to
your wife. If the only reason you’re trying to strike up a conversation with your wife is to
try and get her to warm up, it’s not going to work. Instead, your goal in communicating
with a cold wife is to let her know that you care about her, but that you won’t desperately
beg for her.

That being said, you DO want your wife to know that you care about her, and that you
will fight for the marriage. This is why communicating with a cold and distant wife is so
challenging; you have to strike a balance between genuine, loving communication and
presenting an image of confidence and self-respect.
Be Persistent, But Not Oppressive

The best way to strike this kind of balance is to be persistent in your attempts to
communicate with your wife, but not oppressive.
What exactly does that mean?
Basically, it means that you should be making an attempt to strike up a conversation

with your cold wife every single day. Try to spend quality time with her every single day,
whether that’s sitting in bed watching a TV show or sitting down with her for dinner.
Doing parenting stuff doesn’t count; this needs to be genuine one-on-one time. Even
just 5 minutes is better than nothing. Take what you can get.
But! Here’s the thing… If your wife refuses your attempt at a conversation for that day,
leave it be. Don’t try again until the next day. Or, another option would be to challenge
her on it, although I don’t recommend doing that every single day. Once your attempt at
talking fails for the day, turn to actions and gestures alone; do your best to show her
affection in a loving and genuine way without using your words.
Let’s look at a hypothetical example of “persistent, but not oppressive”:
Your wife isn’t “in love” with you anymore. You get home from work and try to
talk to her about her day; she’s uninterested. Okay, fine, you move on and don’t
press it. She’s uninterested in talking to you, so you don’t try and pressure her
into a conversation she doesn’t want to have. After dinner, you offer to help do
the dishes; she gladly accepts your help. Great! You don’t need to try and press
for a conversation again or do anything else for the day – that’s good. Do the
dishes, enjoy the time together that you do get, and take it one day at a time.
You’re the tortoise, not the hare!

This admittedly simplistic example paints a perfect picture of persistent but not
oppressive…
You’re persistent in trying to communicate with her and show her affection – you
attempt to talk to her about her day, she rejects you. But, then even after she rejects you,
you still offer to do something nice for her. But, you’re not oppressive – you didn’t
force her to have the conversation with you about her day, you just let it go. And once
your attempt at striking up a conversation failed, you didn’t try to talk to her again…
Instead you turned to gestures and actions in place of words.
Topics of Conversation for a Cold Wife

It’s kind of a weird question, but I’ve had a few different men contact me after reading
the early bird version of MMR and ask, “What do I talk to my wife about? How do I
come up with topics of conversation that won’t push her further away?”
Honestly, it’s hard to answer this question through a book.
After all, I’m not there with you and I don’t personally know you and your wife, so it’s
hard for me to give specific advice here… But, I can tell you one tactic that should always
serve as a great starting point if you need help coming up with topics of conversation:
Ask questions.
And, if you really can’t think of anything to say, then guess what?
There’s no rule that says you have to be constantly talking to your wife. Again, actions
speak louder than words anyways, so if you can’t think of anything to say, think of
something to DO!
That being said, here are some generally safe topics of conversation:
 Ask about or make plans for the week ahead

 How was her day? What did she do?

 Discussion about kids; how they’re doing, what they need, general parenting
topics
 Offer encouragement or compliments about something she did or is doing
 Talk about fond memories, ie. “Remember when we [insert memory]…?” (try to
have a reason for bringing up this memory, otherwise she might think you’re just
trying to change her feelings about the marriage)
 What does she want out of life? (can be a risky topic)
 Ask her if she can think of something you should be doing, either in the marriage
or otherwise (also risky, but can be very helpful if she’s willing to talk about it)
This certainly isn’t the end-all list of things you’re allowed to discuss with a cold wife; it’s
simply meant to give you some ideas if you can’t think of anything to talk about.
Be the Fire Your Marriage Needs

Ultimately, you’re not going to change your cold wife’s heart in a single day. It’s not
going to happen, and that shouldn’t be your goal. Your goal is to be consistently
affectionate; to be a consistently good communicator; to be persistent but not
oppressive. Chances are, nothing you say will change your wife’s heart; it’s going to be
actions and attitudes that reignite her attraction over time.
I’ll be frank – communicating with a cold wife is one of the most difficult challenges a
man can face in a marriage. It will make you feel lonely, frustrated and like a failure.
But it CAN be done. You will get through this.
You can rekindle your marriage and survive your wife’s chill. Best of all, when you do,
you’ll be able to enjoy the happiest and most loving marriage of your life.
Even if your marriage isn’t facing serious problems, remember that everyone has to deal
with a cold wife from time to time. Just like you, sometimes your wife will be in a bad
mood. Sometimes she won’t want to talk to you. Sometimes you’ll annoy her and
sometimes she’ll want some space and time to herself.

That’s okay! A cold wife doesn’t have to mean the end of the marriage. It doesn’t even
have to lead to serious problems.
The important thing is that even when your wife is cold, you remain dedicated to her
and to keeping an open line of communication. Even if she needs some space, she
should never feel neglected… She should KNOW that you’re there to help and support
her if/when she needs you.
In the next part of the book, you’ll learn more about the specific actions you can/should
be taking, and what things you can do depending on your specific situation, whether
you’re dealing with an affair, separation, or just need help being the best husband you
can be.

There are 5 common excuses that a cold wife will give you when you try to talk about
the marriage:
 “It’s not you, it’s me.”

 “We’re so boring.”
 “I just don’t want to talk about it.”
 “I’m just not ‘in love’ with you anymore.”
 “Stop trying to control me.”
Each of these excuses has a hidden meaning to it that reveals what your wife really
thinks about the marriage. However, these excuses are almost never the REAL reason
your wife is cold.
Here are the 6 most common reasons for a cold wife:
1. She’s having an affair.

2. She’s discontent in the marriage and/or with her life in general.
3. She’s feeling overwhelmed by major life changes.
4. YOU are actually the overly controlling one, and it’s pushed her away.
5. She’s coping with depression.
6. She’s the sole breadwinner and feels like you don’t contribute.
Identify the real reason that your wife is cold, then follow The Right Response
directions in each section to know what to do.
In the end, your job as the husbandly leader is to make your love hotter than her
chill! Be strong!

Part 3:
Living the Good Husband Lifestyle
Learn What Specific Actions You Need to Take to

Become the Husband Your Wife Has Always Wanted.
&
Facing Separation? Here’s Where You’ll Get
Actionable Advice on How to Get Her Back

Chapter 14. Optimal Daily Habits for a
Husbandly Leader
This chapter is all about habits – the specific daily activities – that
you’ll need to develop if you want to be the best husband you can
be. We’ll talk about bad habits to cut out of your life and good
habits to replace them with.
This is it. We’re finally into the last part of the book.
In these last seven chapters, we’re going to move past the theory and start talking about
specific steps to master husbandly leadership. If your marriage is on the rocks, if your
wife is separated, even if you’re headed for divorce, this is also where you’ll learn the
best actions you can take to maximize your chances of getting her back.
First, let’s get a couple things straight:
Being a Good Husband isn’t a Checklist; It’s a Lifestyle

As you read through these next chapters, I’ll be giving you a specific list of actions – a
checklist, if you will – of things you need to do to be a good husband.
However!
Before we dive in, I want to make it clear that ticking off a checklist doesn’t make you a
good husband. It’s not that easy.
 Being a good husband and leading your marriage requires a change of

mindset.
 Being a good husband is a lifestyle.
 Loving and genuine husbandhood is something that you live and breathe.
That being said, there are some habits you need to fix, and that’s what this chapter is all
about.

This Chapter is Meant to Be a Roadmap, Not a Measuring Stick
What do I mean by that?
Some of you are going to

start reading through
these lists of optimal
habits and say to yourself,
“Wow, I’m doing a lot of
the bad habits and not
very many of the good
ones… I must be a bad
husband.”
That’s not what this chapter is about. The purpose of this chapter isn’t for you to
measure yourself as a husband or man.
This chapter isn’t saying that you’re a bad husband if you have any of the bad habits in
your life right now. Nor is it saying that the only way to be a good husband is if you have
all of the good habits in your life right now.
Instead, this chapter is about making your job as a husband as easy to accomplish as
possible.
In Chapter 4, we talked about understanding the enemy. One of the things we didn’t
mention there is that your own habits can either be your worst enemy or your greatest
ally. This chapter helps you identify which habits will work against you and make it
harder to lead your marriage, and which habits will work for you and make it easier to
be a true husband.
In other words, this chapter is meant to make it as easy as possible for you to have the
marriage of your dreams. It’s meant to be a roadmap that guides you back to a happy
marriage. Because making change is much easier when you know the change that must
be made.

When the bad habits listed below are in your life, my own experience and the
experiences of men I’ve worked with have shown me that a happy marriage is harder to
achieve and maintain. On the other hand, when the good habits listed here are in your
life, the exact opposite is true… It becomes easier to be a good husband because you’re
doing all the things that good husbands do.
So, with all that being said, let’s start with the bad habits:
Bad Habits to Stop

Each of the habits listed in this section have the power to prevent you from being the
man of your wife’s dreams. Over time, each of these habits will fuel the distance growing
between you and your wife and make it harder to be the kind of husband you want to be.
Bad Habit 1. Seriously, Quit Looking at Porn

This habit might not be one
you expected to see at the
top of the bad habit list, but
I’ve gotta say it…
Statistics say that 3 out of 4

men reading this look at
porn at least once a month.
This is a huge problem,
because porn has the power to single-handedly ruin your marriage.
Did you know that excessive porn use is cited as a primary cause in 56% of
divorce cases in the US?
That makes looking at porn the most common reason for divorce besides “irreconcilable
differences”.
Let me ask you this:
Is looking at porn worth losing your wife?

Even without the moral implications of porn, science tells us that when you look at porn,
you become less attracted to your wife both physiologically and psychologically. In
other words, after looking at porn, you see your wife as physically less attractive AND
less enjoyable to be around.
This is why studies have shown that men who look at porn have lower overall
contentment with their partner.
Need more convincing?
Did you know that porn is addictive? Yep, it’s extremely addictive. Scientists have
found that porn creates neurological dependencies inside your brain in the exact same
way as heroin and cocaine. Brain scans of heroin and crack addicts look nearly identical
to long-time regular porn users.
If you want to read more about the science behind porn addiction, I’ve written an in-
depth post about it that goes into more detail.
Recommended Reading: Porn Addiction Symptoms – How Porn Morphs Your Brain
You’ll learn all about dopamine, Delta FosB and supernormal stimuli, plus a step-by-
step walkthrough of the addiction process.
Still not swayed? How about this:
Looking at porn makes real-life sex less enjoyable. You actually get less enjoyment out
of sex after looking at porn.
Did you know that regular porn-use is one of the most common causes of erectile
dysfunction? In fact, many young 20-something guys quit looking at porn for this exact
reason. Normally, erectile dysfunction is something that should only happen in older
men, and yet it’s become extremely common for even college-aged guys to develop ED.
Honestly, these are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to porn statistics. It doesn’t
take much research at all to see that porn has extremely negative effects on individuals
and on society itself. That’s a subject for another book, but for right now, know this:

Looking at porn makes your marriage worse. Looking at porn makes
your marriage less enjoyable. Looking at porn simultaneously makes your wife
less attractive to you and makes you less attractive to her. If you continue to
look at porn, it will become an escape and cause you to de-prioritize husbandly
leadership.
If that’s not enough to make you want to stop looking at porn, then I’m not really sure
how you made it 14 chapters into this book.
One final thing before we move onto the next habit…
If you do look at porn and you want to stop, expect it to be a challenge. I actually wrote a
12-week porn withdrawal walkthrough to help you set accurate expectations. Very few
men can quit cold turkey. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try, but the important thing
is that you’re committed to stopping. That’s the change that needs to happen right now.
Bad Habit 2. Stop Escape Mechanisms

In that blue box up there, we emphasized that
looking at porn is an escape that will make it
easy for you to ignore your current situation.
This actually brings us to another important
habit that we need to address…
Escape mechanisms.
Many of you reading this are in an extremely

difficult time of your life right now.
You’re facing challenges that you’ve never faced

before. You’re probably coping with pain and emotional chaos that you’ve never dealt
with before.

In times like this, it’s easy to seek an escape. Many men before you have turned to
alcohol, or work, or drugs, or porn or video games, all as ways to escape from the reality
of their crumbling marriage. I’ve had men email me who got into heroin and morphine
as a way to deal with the stress caused by their wife leaving.
You MUST be strong. You MUST face reality.
When life gives you lemons, don’t try to make lemonade. Don’t try to make bad
circumstances into something they’re not. Eat your lemons. Savor the taste. Endure the
discomfort. It’s only for a season; better times will come. And you’ll be stronger for your
sacrifice and endurance.
Running from your marriage won’t get your wife

back. Fleeing from the pain that you’re feeling right
now won’t make it go away.
You need to stand up straight, think clearly, face

facts and implement change. To do each of those
things, you need to be rooted in real-life.
What does that mean?
It means you need to be mentally and

emotionally present in every moment.
Lots of men in your situation try to escape. Like I said, they may turn to alcohol, drugs
and other vices as a way to not think about their marriage.
Your escape might be more mundane… Maybe you escape to Facebook. Or to porn, like
we discussed above. Or even to your job.
When I was younger, I had a bad habit of escaping into video games. When I was really
stressed, I’d immerse myself in a game for hours at a time, just so I wouldn’t have to
think about reality.
This is a bad habit. Whatever your escape mechanism is, keep it under control. I’m not
saying you can’t have an escape of some sort… In fact, I encourage you to stay busy. But

avoid activities that numb your mind. What this means for each guy reading this
will be different, but here are a few starting points:
 No drugs and minimal alcohol (I highly recommend no alcohol)

 No more than 15 minutes a day on Facebook, Twitter or whatever your preferred
social network may be.
 No porn.
 No more than two optional late nights at work per week. (in other words, nights
where you choose to work late of your own accord)
 No more than two hours per day of video games or TV (although getting down to
one hour is better)
Instead, if you need activities to fill your time, go out and try new things. Go socialize.
Write in your journal. Read a book. Do anything that stimulates your mind.
Honestly, I personally recommend deactivating Facebook (and all other social networks)
until your life has settled down again. It’s not worth the distraction, and you’ll be
tempted to use it to spy on your wife. Social networks are just one more thing to worry
about that you don’t need on your plate right now. You don’t need to worry about why
she changed her status from ‘Married’ to ‘It’s complicated’.
That brings us to…
Bad Habit 3. Limit Screen Time

Recommended: One “No Screens Day” per week (not including work)
The most common escape method isn’t alcohol or drugs; it’s TV and Facebook.
It’s so, so easy to pour hours of your time into a screen.
Did you know that there’s a scientific explanation for why looking at a screen sucks you
in? It’s because staring at moving objects and lights on a screen triggers the same
focused vision reflex that cats use when stalking their prey.
No matter how little time you think you spend on the computer or watching TV, I
recommend taking a “no screens day” at least once per week after you’re done reading

this book. For one full day every week, don’t allow yourself to do anything on a screen
outside of work.
Instead, make yourself live in the moment.
 Live your life

 Read a book
 Think
 Go for a walk
 Write in your journal (more on this below)
 Remember who you are and what you care about
You’ll get a better feel for what I mean by that last point after you’ve done a few of these
“no screen days”.
The first couple days you do this will be really, really hard. You’ll think, “Why am I doing
this?” Tough it out. Make it through the day. Then the next. And before you know it,
you’ll start looking forward to these days without screens!
I’m willing to bet that after you take a few of these “no screen days”, you’ll have a much
clearer picture of your marriage and what needs to happen for you to live up to your
potential as a husbandly leader.
Bad Habit 4. Stop Procrastinating

Do you have a bad habit of procrastinating hard stuff?
I know I do. Procrastination is one of my worst

habits, and every time I think I’ve beat it, it seems
to come right back again.
For me, I tend to procrastinate boring and time-

consuming tasks. For example, I drove around
with expired license plates for a full month last
year because I couldn’t bear the thought of going
to the DMV.

For you, maybe you tend to procrastinate family matters, or difficult conversations with
your wife.
The best way to beat procrastination is to put a higher value on

your own time.
Procrastination makes things take longer than they should. When you procrastinate
doing something, you’re actually losing time… Ironic, since we often tell ourselves that
we procrastinate because we don’t have ENOUGH time.
To be a good husband, you must be the master of your time.
Your time is one of the few things that is totally under your control… If you can’t muster
the effort to manage your own time effectively, how can you expect your wife to trust you
to manage hers?
After all, even if you’re not directly managing your wife’s time, being married means that
your wife is giving you her life. She’s not just giving you some of her time; she’s giving
you all of it.
This is why procrastination is such a huge turnoff. Your wife hates seeing you
procrastinate because it shows her you lack discipline. Conversely, she loves seeing you
knock out those tasks that she knows you don’t want to do because it builds trust.
A leader does things he doesn’t want to do without hesitation for the

greater good of the people he serves.
Whatever you tend to procrastinate – whether it’s mundane stuff, money stuff or
marriage stuff – now is the time to make a change.
Which brings us to our next bad habit… This is something we talked about in previous
chapters, but I’m saying it again here.

Bad Habit 5. Get Over Your Fear of Confrontation
Confrontation is a natural part of marriage. Even
We’ve already mentioned bad
in the healthiest, happiest marriages, there will be
habits #5 and #6 earlier in the
confrontation.
book. I’m including them again
The difference between a healthy marriage and a here for two reasons:
broken one is that in the healthy marriage, both
1. This chapter is all about
spouses have clear expectations for how conflicts
taking action, so I want to
are resolved.
make sure you don’t forget the
As the husband, it’s your job to set those actions I told you to take
expectations by leading in times of confrontation. earlier in the book.
2. I want to re-state their
Yes, I know it’s challenging, but you have to
importance, especially for you
continue being a good and open-minded leader
as the husbandly leader.
even when you and your wife disagree. In fact, it’s
especially in those times that your leadership cannot waver.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I hate confrontation. I’m bad at it. Most men are.
But if you care about your marriage, you’ll get over that fear and learn how to
communicate with your wife.
Again, we’ve already talked extensively about communication, and that’s not what this is
about. This is about recognizing that your fear of confrontation is under your control.
It’s a bad habit that you need to change; no one else can change it for you.
Bad Habit 6. No More Negative Attitude

You know that saying, “Misery loves company”?
Well, it’s a saying for a reason. When you’re miserable inside your marriage, you’ll
naturally want to project that negativity outwards. In fact, for some of you, I’m willing to
bet you can see this truth being proven in your wife right now. If she’s miserable, she’s
probably going to make you miserable too.

It’s extremely easy to be pessimistic when your marriage is on a downward path. When
nothing is going the way you want it to, when you’re not getting the results you want, it’s
so easy to be cynical and negative.
You cannot present yourself that way to your wife.

She can’t see you as a man who has given up.
A negative attitude can be expressed in many forms.

When you’re desperate to save your marriage, your
negative attitude might look like…
 Anger or frustration
 Begging or desperation
 Constant sarcasm or cynicism
 Hopelessness
 Depression
 Lack of motivation
Again, I’m not saying you can’t be emotional in front of your wife. In a healthy marriage,
husband and wife should share everything in both success and failure. But, if it feels like
your marriage is teetering on a knife’s edge, then that negative attitude could be what
pushes it out of your control.
We’ll talk more about having a positive attitude below, but for now, this one is a pretty
easy habit to self-diagnose. For me, negativity always looks like cynical sarcasm.
Anytime I find myself being constantly sarcastic, I have to consciously decide to adjust
my attitude. If you ever find yourself doing any of the things listed above, take conscious
action to fix your negative attitude.
Good Habits to Start

There are certain traits that all good husbandly leaders have in common. That’s what
this section is about… It’s about making sure that you have the tools necessary to live up
to your full potential inside your marriage.

Many of the good habits you’re about to read will mirror the bad habits listed above.
This first good habit is a perfect example... If you’re not going to be negative, what
should you be instead?
Good Habit 1. Be Unbreakably Positive & Optimistic

Positive thinking has become a bit of a cliché in recent years. If someone I met on the
street told me that they believe in the power of positive thinking, I’d assume they meant
something like The Secret… You know, stuff like, “Project positive thoughts and the
universe will give you everything you want!”
That’s NOT the type of positive thinking and optimism I’m talking about here. This isn’t
the law of attraction… This is pure practical advice. The reason that you must be
optimistic is simply because it’ll make you a better husband.
There are three big reasons why:
1. Positive thinking is contagious. In the same way that negativity has a tendency
to rub off on the people around you, so does optimism. If you want your wife to think
positively about the marriage, you need to lead the way.
2. Positive thinking will keep you motivated. It will keep your focus on the big
picture, and it will make all the little setbacks along the way seem less important. It’ll
make you selfless.
3. Positive thinking will teach you to master your own mind. It’s not always
easy to think positively, especially when times are tough. It takes discipline to think
positively in these situations, and that discipline will carry over into the rest of your
life.
4. Positive thinking will allow you to love more deeply. When you think
positively about your wife and the marriage, it should come as no surprise that you
enjoy those things more.

So, put a priority on positive thinking.
Think positively about yourself. Think positively about your wife; don’t allow yourself to
complain or think of insults in the back of your mind. In all that you do, be grateful for
what you have. Trust me, there are lots of people in the world who have a lot less than
you do.
Positive thinking is especially important if you need to get your wife back. In every
interaction she has with you, make it your top priority to stay positive, encouraging,
optimistic and confident, even if the things that she’s saying are negative.
Do not allow yourself to give in to negativity!
Your wife needs to see you as a constant positive influence. She needs to see you as an
unbreakable force of optimism. She needs to see that stable, peaceful happiness and
contentment is waiting for her inside her marriage… She just has to come back and
enjoy it.
Good Habit 2. Be Encouraging

What’s the difference between encouragement and optimism?
Optimism is a state of mind.
Glass half-full… All that good stuff. Basically, when you’re optimistic, you see the best in
every situation. You don’t pay attention to the negative stuff because you know that
simply by highlighting the positive stuff through your thoughts, words and actions,
you’ll naturally make the negative stuff feel less important.
Encouragement is a symptom of optimism.
You can only be encouraging when you have an optimistic mindset. You have to be
happy and confident in yourself in order to extend encouragement out to others.
But what does encouragement actually mean?
Let’s look at the dictionary definition:

en·cour·age
1. Give support, confidence or hope to someone.

2. Give support and advice to someone so that they will do or continue to do
something.
3. Help or stimulate an activity, state or view to develop.
For our purposes, we’re looking primarily at that first definition. As the leader, it’s your
job to give support, confidence and hope to your wife and family, no matter
what state your marriage is in right now. Not only do you personally need to be
optimistic, you need to constantly seek opportunities to share that optimism with the
people you love. And that’s called encouragement.
Encouragement doesn’t have to be complicated. And, you can still be encouraging even
if you and your wife are separated. In fact, you SHOULD be encouraging in times like
this. When your wife tells you about her new apartment or her new job or how much fun
she’s been having reconnecting with her old friends, your response should be, “That’s
awesome, honey, I’m glad to hear things are working out for you. Let me know if there’s
anything I can do to help!”
I know this is challenging.
I know that your natural instinct will be to object to anything your wife does that takes
her further away from the marriage. But as we’ve said over and over again since the start
of this book, no amount of objections will get your wife to stay in the marriage.
Your wife must trust that you truly value her happiness above
your own.
To prove that, you need to be encouraging no matter what. This is why you have to
encourage your wife in everything she does, even if she’s separated. Unless she’s having
an affair. Obviously you don’t need to encourage that, but we’ll talk plenty about how to
handle an affair in Chapter 18, so don’t worry about that right now.

Good Habit 3. Be Chivalrous
This habit is pretty straightforward. Be
chivalrous. Be a gentleman. Not just to your
wife, but to everyone.
 Be the guy that helps the old lady

carry groceries to her car.
 Be the guy that offers to shovel your
neighbor’s driveway for free.
 Be the guy that jumps forward to open
the door for your wife.
Look for opportunities to show kindness to

the people around you.
The only caution here is that chivalry can be double-edged sword.
How?
How can chivalry work against you?
If you’ve never been the chivalrous type before and suddenly, now that your wife wants
out of the marriage, you start going around opening doors for her and being a perfect
gentleman… Guess what? She’s going to know something’s up. She may perceive your
chivalry as desperation, or as being rooted in an ulterior motive.
If this is you – if your wife has already said she wants out and you suspect that over-the-
top chivalry will come off as desperate – then don’t be chivalrous to your wife. Or at
least, not at first…
Start by being a gentleman to the people around you; show your wife that this is you
being you; not you trying to win her back. When your wife sees you being chivalrous to
other people first, she won’t be nearly as suspicious when you start being chivalrous to
her.

If she asks why you’re suddenly being such a gentleman, simply tell her that you’re
trying to be more aware of other people’s needs. You don’t need to offer any more
explanation than that.
Good Habit 4. Journal Every Day for One Month

We briefly mentioned this good habit all the way back in Chapter 9, but I’m mentioning
it again here just to make sure you didn’t forget about it.
Here’s the truth – almost all of the most successful people in the world keep a journal. I
believe that journaling is an extremely powerful habit for three reasons:
Reason 1. It Hones Your Communication Skills
Writing is the best way to practice communication.
Think about what you have to do when you’re writing… You have to think of an idea you
want to write, you have to articulate it into a sentence, then you put it on paper.
This is almost exactly the same process that you use when you think before you speak
(see page 110), and it’s also why most great writers also make great public speakers.
Reason 2. It Helps You Reflect on the Big Picture
Journaling allows you to have an honest conversation with yourself. It’s perhaps the
most powerful tool for self-evaluation and goal-setting, because journaling allows you to
take a step back and see the big picture. It lets you remind yourself what your goals are
and why you’re pursuing them.
For me, journaling is how I think through tough decisions. I sit down and write out my
thoughts. This is effectively like having an honest conversation with myself. It’s actually
very refreshing!
Journaling allows you to look in the proverbial mirror and honestly reflect on your
progress as a leader. What things are you doing well? What things do you need to
continue improving?

Keeping a daily journal will allow you to simultaneously encourage yourself and identify
areas of improvement on a consistent basis.
Reason 3. It Allows You to Freely Vent Your Frustrations
You know that you need to be

constantly optimistic, right? That’s
something we already talked about.
And yet, you will face failure. You will

face frustrations. If you try to bottle
them up, then eventually you’ll
explode.
Journaling allows you to vent all the

frustrations – both with yourself and
with your marriage – that you would
never say to your wife. You can be brutally honest in your journal. Put the truth in your
journal. Be yourself and let it all out.
I can remember a couple times in my own relationship where my wife and I got into a
huge fight, and so I wrote her a letter in my journal. In these letters, I expressed every
frustration I felt with my wife and with our relationship. I put everything on paper.
… Then I closed my journal and instantly felt better.
Why?
Because after writing these pseudo-letters, I was able to see the big picture and realize
that my frustrations weren’t worth fighting over. Without my journal, these fights would
have only escalated because I wouldn’t have been able to let go of my frustrations.
Many times when you’re frustrated, all you need to do is get it off your chest. It doesn’t
actually matter whether you say it to the person you’re frustrated with; you just need to
say it to someone… Even if that someone is yourself on paper.

I’m willing to bet that if you take 30 minutes to write a long letter to your wife (that
you’ll never actually give her) venting your feelings about the marriage, you’ll feel much
better afterwards, like a huge weight has been lifted off your chest.
Even if you don’t do the letter, though… Even if you only journal for five minutes a day…
Start journaling. Journal every day for a month. Commit to it; make it happen.
Trust me, it will help.
Good Habit 5. Be Disciplined & Work Hard

Good leaders do the opposite of procrastinate – they work hard, right now, every day.
They have the discipline to consistently do the things they don’t want to do. Nobody said
being a leader would be easy. It’s not.
Whether you’re a stay-at-home dad or the primary breadwinner for your family, you
need to be a workhorse. You need to take on more than your fair share of
responsibilities at work, at home and in the marriage.
For some of you, I’m preaching to the choir. You’re already a really hard worker and
your wife could never realistically think anything differently. Keep up the good work;
just make sure that your work ethic carries over into the marriage too… I’ve seen a lot of
guys who work extremely hard at their jobs, only to come home and neglect their wife
and family. Make sure this isn’t you – put the same amount of effort and energy into
your home life as you do your work life, if not more!
For others, myself included, we have a bad habit of procrastination that needs to be
replaced with a strong, disciplined work ethic. There is no easy answer here; you just
need to work harder and do more. Make sure you are using your time efficiently.
This habit is vital because laziness is a turnoff. Your wife NEEDS to perceive you as a
hard worker in order to respect you as her leader. If she ever feels like she works harder
than you do, you’re much more likely to run into problems.
To your wife, you’re work ethic is proof of priority – it’s how she knows what she’s worth
to you. If you work hard for her and your family, she will feel highly valued. On the other
hand, if you’re completely absent from domestic duties… If she only ever sees you sitting

in front of the TV or computer even when there’s obvious work to be done… Then she
will feel unloved, under-valued and frustrated. When you’re lazy, it makes her feel like
you don’t really care about her needs.
Good Habit 6. Keep a Daily or Weekly To Do List

I don’t care who you are, where you work or what you do on a daily basis…
You need a To Do list.
I’ve never met a man who has so little on his plate that he doesn’t need a To Do list.
Some people choose to make a daily To Do list. At the start of every day, you write down
everything you need to do for that day. Or, if you’re really organized, you do this at
nighttime so that your task list is ready to use when you wake up in the morning.
Personally, I prefer the weekly To Do list. Every Sunday, I make a To Do list for the week
ahead, grouped by who each task is for. Most weeks, my tasks are divided into 4
categories:
1. Work Tasks – These are all my work-related tasks. If I have an abnormal

amount of work tasks, I’ll create sub-groups for each client.
2. Wife & Family Tasks – These are all the things that I need/want to do for my
wife and kids each week. For example, if she’s asked me to go grocery shopping
sometime during the week, then that goes under this category. If my daughter has
a doctor’s appointment, that goes here too.
3. Self Tasks – These are all the things I do purely for my own benefit each week.
Put any self-improvement habits under this category. For me, this week’s To Do
list has “Exercise 3x”, “Journal 5 mins. a day,” and “Read my Bible every day”.
4. Other Tasks – This is anything else that I know I’ll need to do during the week.
For example, if I need to mow the lawn or make a non-work-related phone call,
that goes under “Other”
As the leader of your marriage, you cannot afford to waste time. You need to make
the most of every minute… A simple To Do list makes that possible by (A) making it easy

to keep track of all your responsibilities and (B) prevents you from wasting time trying
to think of what you need to do next.
Important Things to Know About Habits

It Takes 21 Days to Create a Habit (sort of)
For a long time, psychologists and
scientists all agreed that it takes
approximately 21 days to build a new
habit inside your brain.
Today, new research is showing that

the old 21 days figure is better seen as a
minimum, not a maximum. On
average, new habits take approximately 66 days to feel automatic for most people.
But, there’s an important caveat here…
It is MUCH easier to replace a bad habit with a new good habit

than it is to simply stop a bad habit.
In other words, if you need to quit looking at porn, it’ll be easier for you to replace
looking at porn with going to the gym than it will be to simply quit looking at porn on its
own.
Make sense? This is also why I tried to make the bad and good habits listed in this
chapter mirror each other.
If after reading this chapter, you feel overwhelmed by the number of changes you need
to make in your habits and your lifestyle, don’t be dismayed. Instead, pick one bad habit
to get rid of and one good habit to replace it with. Make it your goal to consistently
practice your new good habit for one month.
Then, next month you can start a new habit swap. In just a few months, all the bad
habits in your life will be replaced with good ones!

For example, this month you might make it your goal to start journaling every day and
to stop using Facebook as an escape mechanism. For the rest of the month, whenever
you feel like hopping on Facebook, spend 10 minutes journaling instead. This forces you
to keep your habits at the front of your mind throughout each day. By the end of the
month, you won’t even have to think about it anymore… They’ll become a natural part of
your lifestyle.
Want a more in-depth resource about forming new habits? Check out this article on
Sparring Mind or this one by James Clear. Want even more? Read The Power of Habit
by Charles Duhigg (not an affiliate link).
Habits Don’t Have to Be Perfect

Remember, your goal is NOT to be a perfect husband…
You don’t have to perfectly execute each of these habits every single day of your life to be
a good husbandly leader. And, the habits listed in this chapter aren’t the only good and
bad habits you’ll ever have to worry about… They’re just a starting point. You can draw
more inspiration for your own habits from the visualization exercises we did in Chapter
7.
Remember the Leadership

Cycle that we talked about so
much at the beginning of this
book?
Yeah, well, forgiveness is an

important part of that cycle.
As long as you’re becoming a
better husbandly leader
overall, you don’t have to get
bogged down every time you make a mistake.

Setting yourself on a trajectory towards perfect husbandly leadership
is more important than actually being a perfect husbandly leader.
Your marriage will be a lifelong quest towards becoming the best husband you can be.
I’m not a perfect husband or a perfect leader, but I know what a perfect husbandly
leader looks like and I know why leadership is important. Because of that, I have
confidence in my ability to lead my marriage and to become a better and better husband
and partner to my wife over time.

As a husbandly leader, you need to be in control of yourself. Having good habits
allows you to minimize the obstacles between you and a happy marriage.
These are some prime examples of bad habits to eliminate:
 Quit looking at porn

 Stop escape mechanisms
 Avoid too much screen-time
 Stop procrastinating
 Get over your fear of confrontation
 No more negative attitude
These are some great habits to integrate into your lifestyle:
 Be constantly positive and optimistic in thoughts, words and actions

 Be encouraging to the people around you
 Be chivalrous
 Start journaling
 Keep a daily or weekly To Do list
 Develop discipline
Start by swapping one bad habit for a good habit for one month. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Chapter 15. Forgiveness
This chapter is all about the importance of forgiveness. You’ll
learn what forgiveness does for a marriage, what real forgiveness
looks like, and how to put you and your wife on the road towards
a forgiving marriage.
Forgiveness is like an onion…
On the surface it seems simple, but as you

try to understand it, you’ll find there are
many more layers than you first thought.
Today we’re going to peel the onion.
If you’ve read the 10 Steps to Gain

Husbandly Leadership, you’ve already
learned a little bit about forgiveness. One part of this chapter (Don’t Play the Blame
Game) will sound particularly familiar.
However, today we’re going deeper than I did in the e-course. You’re going to learn what
forgiveness really does for a relationship and what steps you need to take before your
marriage can recover.
How Forgiveness Makes Marriage Possible

Every lifelong marriage is built on forgiveness. I’m willing to bet that most
couples who’ve been married for 50+ years would tell you that forgiveness is one of the
most important, if not THE single most important part of a happy marriage.
Most of us know that forgiveness is important – after all, it’s a bit of a cliché.
But have you ever asked yourself why?
What exactly does forgiveness do for a marriage?

I’ll tell you:
Forgiveness is the linchpin of

unconditional love. As we said all the way back
in Chapter 2, unconditional love means loving
your wife no matter what. How are you supposed
to have unconditional love unless you can forgive
the “no matter what” part?
Short answer: you can’t.
Unconditional love doesn’t rely on the

perfection of your spouse; it relies on an awareness that both you and your
spouse will get more joy out of forgiveness than blame.
Forgiveness is how conflicts are resolved. One of the dirty secrets marriage
counselors never tell you is that not all marriage problems can be solved. Sometimes,
there are innate differences between two people that will always cause friction.
That’s okay!
It doesn’t mean these two people can’t be happily married, it just means they need to
both strive for a forgiving heart.
Forgiveness is what lets two polar opposites enjoy a lifelong marriage together.
Forgiveness is why love feels like freedom. When your wife sees that you’ve truly
forgiven her from the bottom of your heart, her trust in you will grow. In that moment,
you’ve enabled more freedom in the marriage. You’ve removed a barrier. You’ve proven
your acceptance of her and allowed her to feel safe.
When two people completely trust in one another’s ability to forgive, their love for each
other can grow without a ceiling. Nothing can stand in the way.
With forgiveness in your marriage, both you and your spouse are 100% free to be
yourself.

Forgiveness is how marriage makes you grow. The challenges and lessons you’ll
learn from practicing forgiveness in marriage will extend outward into the rest of your
life and make you a better man. Forgiveness teaches you what really matters in life.
Forgiveness teaches you to accept yourself, failures and all, and it allows you to love
everyone, from your children to your parents to your neighbor, in a new kind of way.
What Does Forgiveness Really Mean?

Before we can have a real conversation about forgiveness, we need to make sure we’re
on the same page. In general, there are two ways that couples forgive one another, each
with two very different results.
Full Forgiveness
vs.
Feel-Good Forgiveness
Most couples practice the easy version of forgiveness, aka. feel-good forgiveness.
See, forgiveness can be twisted… It can be used to validate your feelings of superiority. It
can be used as ammunition to prove that you’re the one “trying” in the relationship.
You can use forgiveness to say, “I forgive you, now you should
forgive me. How can you not love me now that I’ve forgiven you?”
Feel-good forgiveness is selfish; it’s something you do exclusively for your own
benefit. Because of that, it only works up to a point… Until you hit ‘the straw that broke
the camel’s back’ as they say. And the truth is, feel-good forgiveness doesn’t work for
either person involved – it won’t give you or your wife ANY of the benefits of real
forgiveness.
You can’t get your wife back with feel-good forgiveness; she’ll see through it every time.
So, let’s compare that to full forgiveness…

Full forgiveness is selfless; it comes at a cost to the forgiver. It is the opposite of
selfish… It’s pure mercy that comes from a humble heart with no ulterior motives.
Full forgiveness says, “I know I don’t have to forgive you, I know

that forgiving you will be hard for me, and I know that my
forgiveness won’t change you, but I will still forgive you because I
love you.”
Full forgiveness is hard, but it lasts. Here are a few defining traits of full forgiveness:
Full Forgiveness…
Moves On – When a problem is resolved, it stays resolved. When you say, “It’s okay,” it
really is okay. No drudging up the past. No salting the wounds. Full forgiveness moves
on because it’s really all about love.
Accepts Flaws – Some people treat forgiveness like an exchange. For them, the way it
works is “I forgive you, as long as you make up for it.”
Full forgiveness works differently. Because it is rooted in unconditional love, it doesn’t

put the other person in debt. Full forgiveness accepts flaws and doesn’t have a
requirement of change tagged along with it.
Reassures – When my wife forgives me for something I’ve done, or when I forgive her,
the first thing we always do is hug. And not a casual hug either; we embrace. We absorb
ourselves in each other’s arms. This is what full forgiveness does; it reassures. It
comforts.

The Cost of Forgiveness (aka. Forgiveness Ain’t Free)
One of the most misleading notions people have about forgiveness is that forgiveness
should be free. In other words, there should be no cost associated with forgiveness.
This is misleading, because there is ALWAYS a cost to forgiveness. In fact, by definition

it’s impossible to forgive someone without paying a price.
“But wait, Jacob, I thought you just said that full forgiveness comes at no cost to
the forgiven?”
Yes, you’re absolutely right – the cost of forgiveness can only be paid by the forgiver.
Think about it like this:
If you were $10,000 in debt to your bank, and your bank decided to forgive the
debt, was that forgiveness free?
No! The $10,000 had to come from somewhere.
If the bank forgives your debt, then they are effectively paying the price of your debt for
you. By allowing you to walk away from your debt, they are eating the cost of your
$10,000 loan plus whatever interest may have accrued.
What’s this have to do with you and your marriage?
This means that if your wife needs forgiveness, it must be free for
her, but it will come at a cost to you.
Does that make sense? Forgiveness is not free. It is extremely costly, but only for the one
who is doing the forgiving. To forgive your wife is to make a sacrifice.
When you forgive your wife, you are letting go of her debt to you which was created by
her mistakes. Similarly, when your wife forgives you, it comes at the cost of accepting
your mistakes.

The Practical Cost of Forgiveness – What Does it Look Like in Real
Life?
What does this “cost of forgiveness” look like?
One man Inside the Haven described it perfectly. He said, “The true cost of forgiveness
is NOT in the actual act of forgiving her. The true cost of forgiveness is refusing to let old
wounds compound on new ones.”
In other words, forgiveness isn’t about feeling good. You can still forgive your wife
even if you still feel bad afterwards. That’s okay! In fact, it’s expected. Feeling bad
doesn’t mean you haven’t actually forgiven her; it just means that you’re paying the
price of forgiveness.
The cost of forgiveness lies in letting go of repayment for the bad feelings that your wife
has caused. The cost of forgiveness is not bringing up past mistakes when your wife
makes new mistakes in the future. If your forgiveness is genuine, then you won’t let old
wounds add onto the new ones that are to come.
Honestly, I’ve spent years trying to understand everything about forgiveness, and it still
amazes me. The fact that forgiveness comes at the cost of the forgiver is what makes it
such a beautiful and integral part of marriage and husbandly leadership. As the leader,
you must be willing to make these sacrifices and to pay the cost of your wife’s mistakes.
Dangers of The Blame Game

What is the blame game?
The blame game is when you spend more time trying to figure out whose fault it is than
you do trying to fix the actual problem.
You know you’re playing the blame game when you’d rather say the
words, “I told you so,” than “I forgive you.”
You either want your wife back or you don’t.

You either want a happy marriage or you don’t.
It doesn’t matter where you’re at; figure out what you want and stick to it.
In the end, the blame game is pointless because marriage is a two-person relationship.
You’re both at fault in one way or another. That’s the bad news.
Here’s the good news:
 Your mistakes don’t have to make you a bad husband.

 Your wife’s mistakes don’t have to make her a bad wife.
Mistakes are just part of life. Disagreements are just part of marriage. Problems
exist in every relationship. There’s nothing wrong with any of these things; the real
trouble comes in how you handle them.
As the leader, it’s your responsibility to be the rock of the marriage.
You’re the captain; you have to learn how to navigate the storms without wrecking the
ship. That’s YOUR job; not hers.
When our nation faces crisis, we expect an answer from our president. Same thing is
true in marriage.
You won’t be able to love your wife the way you should until you can let go of the blame
you feel in your heart right now and learn how to forgive.
Fortunately, while forgiveness is difficult to put into practice, the process itself is simple
to understand. In fact, it can be broken down into two core steps, the order of which
doesn’t matter.
Step 1. Forgive Your Wife

Because you’re here reading this, I know that your wife has hurt you.
Maybe she’s still hurting you today. Maybe she’s insulting, or cold, or overly critical.
Maybe she’s made bad decisions. Maybe she’s even had/having an affair.

Even if you take responsibility for the state of your marriage right now, you know there
are things your wife could’ve done better. You don’t have to deny that your wife made
mistakes.
Why?
Because in the end, it doesn’t matter how many mistakes your wife has made. In the
end, you just need to answer this one question:
Do you love your wife?
If the answer is yes, then focus on that love. Like we talked about in Chapter 2, let
your immense love for your wife fuel your strength, patience and forgiveness.
If the answer is anything other than yes, then that’s your decision, and you’ll have
to deal with that. But, really what this means is that there’s probably somebody else you
need to forgive before you can forgive your wife (see Step 2).
Don’t Expect an Apology

One more thing about forgiving your wife… When you forgive her, don’t expect an
apology. Your wife may never apologize for the damage she’s done to your marriage, or
for the pain she’s caused you.
This is especially difficult if your wife is having an affair. Even after you forgive her, she
may not change what she’s doing. She may not recognize your forgiveness. And she
probably won’t apologize anytime soon.
That’s not to say that she will NEVER apologize, but you shouldn’t forgive her with the
expectation of getting an apology. That would be an ulterior motive, remember? And the
whole point of full forgiveness is that you don’t have any expectation attached. That
includes the expectation of an apology, or even a recognition that you have done her a
favor in forgiving her.
You don’t forgive your wife because you think it will get her back to the marriage. You
forgive her because you unconditionally love her, and because you are a good husband.

If she does apologize, and she does recognize your forgiveness, great! But that’s not the
goal. The goal is simply to forgive.
Step 2. Forgive Yourself

Forgiving myself is always harder for me than
forgiving my wife. And I know that I’m not
alone; I get emails every week from men
overwhelmed with guilt because of the damage
they’ve done to their marriage.
If you’ve read 9 Essential Traits of a Good

Husband, I’m willing to bet that there are
more than a few things in there that you
haven’t been doing.
In order to move forward, you must forgive yourself. You cannot allow yourself to
wallow in guilt, because guilt prevents action.
I’m not excusing you from being a good husband, but at the same time everybody makes
mistakes.
Stop looking in the past. Stop wallowing in the consequences of your actions that you’re
dealing with now. Instead, look to the future. You can and will be a good husband.
You want to become the best husband you can be as fast as possible, right?
Then let go of the guilt. It’s only holding you back.
Forgiving Yourself Requires You to Let Go of Pride

Something I've learned over years of dealing with lots of guys in lots of different
situations is that pride comes in two forms:
The first form of pride is arrogance. This is the standard form of pride that
we all think of first; this is the pride that says, "I'm on top, I'm doing well, and it's
because I'm the best. I deserve to be on top and I am… Look at me!" When good

things happen to prideful people, they get arrogant because they think they
earned it.
The second form of pride is self-pity. This is something most of us would

NEVER associate with pride, but it is pride nonetheless. When bad things happen
to prideful people, they say, "I deserve to be on top, I deserve to be doing well
because I'm the best. Because I'm not doing well, it must mean that the odds are
against me. It's not fair!" When bad things happen to prideful people, the result
is self-pity... They can't bear to think that something happened outside of their
control, or that they made a mistake, or that sometimes bad things just happen.
Okay, so what does this have to do with you?
If you’re hung up on forgiving your wife, your problem is not that you can't forgive your
wife. Instead, the problem is that deep down, you're too prideful to forgive yourself for
being stuck on your wife's past mistakes. Maybe you can’t admit that you’re struggling to
forgive her for her affair (or something else she’s done). And now you've trapped
yourself in this weird prison of self-pity, depression and unforgiveness, and yet you're
holding the key right there in your hand.
Forgiving yourself is what allows you to be patient. It allows you to be grounded and
focused. The key to both types of forgiveness – forgiving yourself and forgiving your wife
– is to let go of pride and embrace humble, unconditional love.
Note: As I said earlier, Step 1, forgiving your wife, and Step 2, forgiving yourself, do not
have to go in that order. Lots of men find that they have to forgive themselves BEFORE
they can forgive their wife. That’s okay! But you have to do both eventually if you want
to save your marriage.
Anticipate Her Forgiveness Revolt

What is forgiveness revolt?
Basically, this is what happens when your wife tries to reject your forgiveness.

Almost every distant wife will start out skeptical of the changes that you’re
making to yourself as a man. As you grow into a leader, your wife won’t believe what
she’s seeing. She will think that you’re faking it, or that you’re trying to manipulate her.
She genuinely won’t believe that you’re taking on the role of leader.
Here’s an excerpt from a really awesome story from a guy named Kurt. He was trying to
save his marriage after his wife had an affair, and yet he found that she was the one that
really struggled with forgiveness. Read his testimony below:
After my wife had an affair, it took almost a year to get past the mistrust, hurt
and anger… From her end. On my end, I had made the decision to forgive her in
one minute flat and never looked back. Strangely, she almost felt condemned by
my new behavior.
First she was angry and would try to start fights so I would act like an idiot.
I didn’t.
Then she became very depressed. She tried to use guilt, anger, manipulation…
Any bad behavior to bring me down, just as you say our women will.
It didn’t work. I love her and knew my happiness was in my hands, and that is
the truth.
Slowly, she accepted this was a new and real behavior I was exhibiting. Slowly
she began to relax and soften. Soon, this 44 year-old woman was acting like the
24 year-old I loved and married. The woman who began bristling at my
leadership was becoming a gentle and submissive lover of the new me.
This is a classic case of forgiveness revolt. See what happened?
First, Kurt made the decision to forgive his wife. He made the decision and stuck with it,
and decided to take his happiness into his control. Then, as he began to show husbandly
leadership… As he began to truly love his wife and show it to her… She tried to push him
away:
1. She felt guilty because he forgave her, no questions asked.

2. She tried to get a rise out of him by getting angry, just so she could prove his
leadership wasn’t genuine.
3. She became depressed because she was actually starting to feel attracted to him,
even though she’d already decided she wanted out of the marriage.
That last point is really important. If your wife is on the way out – if she had an affair, or
if you’re separated, or if your marriage is otherwise headed towards divorce – then your
wife has already decided the marriage is over.
This means that as soon as you start becoming attractive to her… As soon as you start
showing leadership and truly loving her… As soon as you extend your hand and offer
forgiveness… Her gut instinct is going to be to push you away.
Why?
Because she’d rather fight you than question her own decision!
This is where we see the importance of full forgiveness versus feel-good forgiveness.
Feel-good forgiveness could never withstand this kind of revolt. If you forgave your wife
with an expectation attached and she spat it back in your face, your forgiveness would go
out the window.
… But, when you forgive your wife completely free of charge, when you stand by your
decision and love her no matter what, it allows the roots of your marriage to start
growing again, even though it won’t be pretty at first. Over time, your leadership will
take hold, and your wife will learn to LOVE IT!
This also goes back to understanding the enemy like we talked about in Chapter 4. You
have to anticipate your wife’s rejection of your forgiveness, and recognize that it’s only
temporary, and that her true goal in revolting is to justify herself leaving the marriage.
You remove that justification with consistent, loving leadership in both words and
actions.
Which brings us to the final point about forgiveness…

Forgiveness Speaks Louder Than Words
I’ll finish with one final piece of advice taken from the 10 Steps to Gain Husbandly
Leadership course. That is this:
If you say that you forgive your wife, your actions should prove your
forgiveness.
How would you feel if your wife said that she forgives you one day, but then went back
to being cold and distant the next day?
You’d know that she didn’t really forgive you, right?
Same goes for you. If you’ve truly forgiven your wife, you shouldn’t have to say it for her
to know it’s true. You CAN say it, and there are times when you should, but full
forgiveness can always be felt even when it’s not said.
In forgiveness as in all things, actions speak louder than words!
Hopefully this chapter has helped you recognize what forgiveness is supposed to look
like in a marriage and how you can start putting it into practice.
Ultimately, the only way to fully understand forgiveness is to go out and practice it
yourself. There will be challenges… It probably won’t go smoothly… You may face
unexpected pains along the way…
But when you can master full forgiveness, it will serve as the linchpin for the lifelong,
loving and joyful marriage that you and your wife both want deep down!
(key takeaways from Chapter 15 are on the next page)

 Forgiveness is the linchpin of unconditional love; it’s what makes lifelong
marriages possible.
 There are two types of forgiveness:
o Feel-good forgiveness is selfish and has requirements that go
along with it. You practice feel-good forgiveness only for your own
benefit.
o Full forgiveness is selfless and is fueled by love for the other
person. Full forgiveness means to fully let go of the mistakes of your
wife and the pain they’ve caused, without expecting anything in return.
 Forgiveness is not free – it has a cost that can only be paid by the forgiver.
 You have to let go of the blame, both for yourself and your wife. Start working
on forgiveness, and remember that forgiveness doesn’t always need to be said
out loud… It should be felt.
 Start by forgiving your wife. Whatever blame and resentment you’re holding in
your heart, let it go.
 You also need to forgive yourself. You’ve made mistakes, yes, but wallowing in
guilt will only pull your focus away from the marriage. To pity yourself is just
another form of pride. Forgive yourself for your mistakes, resolve to make
changes, and move on towards better husbandhood.
 Anticipate her forgiveness revolt! This is especially true during an affair
or separation… The more genuine your forgiveness, the more she will try to
push you away to disprove it.

Chapter 16. What If You’re Already
Separated & Heading for Divorce
If your wife is already checked out of the marriage, this chapter is
meant to give you a clear action plan to get her back. Nothing is
guaranteed, but these steps will help you maximize your chances
of reviving your marriage.
Did you know that women file for divorce twice as often as men?
If your wife has already checked out of the marriage, you’re not alone. At least ½ of the
men reading this are separated, living in separate homes, and even on their way to
divorce. For some of you, your wife has already started the paperwork.
That’s why I had to write this chapter. No matter how hard I looked, there is NOBODY
else online talking about specific steps to do if you’re already separated.
Sure, there’s plenty of information out there about fixing marriage problems, and
communication, and if you look really hard, there’s even some stuff out there about the
importance of leadership …
But there’s NO concrete advice for men whose wives are already out the door. That’s
what this chapter is all about.
How can you get your wife back when she wants nothing to do with
you?
How can you get your wife back when she’s already out the door?
How can you get your wife back when she wants a divorce?
I’m not going to lie, these are all very hard questions to answer. Over the years, I’ve
worked and talked with countless men in these situations. This chapter is a compilation
of everything I’ve learned from my experiences.

As you continue reading this chapter, you’ll learn exactly what you should and should
not do if your wife is already separated and wants divorce.
First, Recognize That You

Can’t Force Her to Stay
The first and most important thing to realize if you’re facing separation is that there is
no secret answer to this problem. I’ll tell you right up front… You can’t wave a
wand and magically make your wife want back in the marriage.
If a magic answer existed, trust me, I’d tell you.
The hard truth is that at this point, almost anything you do to try and get her to
stay is only going to push her further away. We’ll talk more about that in a
second, but for right now recognize this:
You can’t force your wife to stay in the marriage.
I mean that literally in every sense of the word…
Because of a little thing called no-fault divorce, for most of you, your wife doesn’t need
your permission to file for divorce.
Your gut instinct might be to try and delay the proceedings. You might try to dispute
every little thing about the divorce, just to delay the inevitable. Some people will even
tell you that this is what you should do.
Trying to outright delay the divorce never works. Because here’s the thing: if your wife
really wants to, she can petition a judge and get a divorce… Even if you’re not in the
court room!
Of course, it’s more work for her to do that, but the point here is that you really and truly
cannot force your wife to stay in the marriage. You just can’t do it. It can’t be done.

If You Can’t Force Her to Stay,
What’s the Answer?
Your wife has two choices right now…
1. She can choose to leave the marriage and start a new life alone, or…
2. She can choose to stay in the marriage and start a new life with you.
This is key: coming back to your old marriage is not an option. No matter what,
the old, distant, loveless version of your marriage is dead. The version of your marriage
that had no leader; the version of your marriage that slowly decayed over the years; that
marriage is no more. Your wife won’t come back to that marriage.
As things stand right now, your wife has chosen to leave. In her mind, she’s already
made her choice. And there’s no way you can force her to unmake that decision. We’ll
talk more about this in the next chapter, but for now, remember this…
Your wife already sees herself as moved on from the marriage.

This is a really important point.
This means that if you really want your wife to stay with you, you have to make your
marriage MORE appealing than the new life she’s envisioned for herself. You have to
become such a good and attractive husband that your wife would be a fool
not to stay with you.
You have to make YOURSELF be the better option.
How do you do that?
Let me start by asking a simple question:
If you suddenly learned you have one week left to live, what would you do?
1. Would you sit around, spending the whole time regretting the fact that your life
has been unexpectedly cut short? Would you let yourself get depressed, spending
all your time moping and looking for pity?

2. Or would you say, “I’m going to make this last week of my life the best week I’ve
ever had,” and focus on enjoying every moment of your life you had left?
Option 1 will leave you miserable. You’ll spend all your time throwing a pity party, and
you’ll make the situation feel worse. You’ll also drag down the people around you.
Option 2 doesn’t change your circumstances, but it does change how you and the people
around you feel.
Hopefully you would choose the second option. Obviously, it’s easier said than done,
and it’s impossible to keep yourself totally optimistic in times like this… No matter
which mindset you strive for, you’ll still be scared. You’ll still wish it were different. It’ll
still be frustrating and depressing at times. But with option 2, you leave a positive
lasting impact on the people around you and YOU get more out of it.
So, how does this tie back to your marriage?
This mindset is how you must approach your marriage right now:
Your marriage is dying… It’s on its last leg. It only has a few weeks or
a few months left to live.
Knowing that, how are you going to spend your time?
Are you going to mope around and throw a pity party, or are you going to take charge of
the time you have left and enjoy it to the fullest?
Look, I’m not trying to tell you that this situation you’re in right now isn’t really crappy.
It is. It sucks. It’s unfair. And you’re allowed to be upset about it; you’re allowed to be
angry and sad and frustrated and lonely.
But if you actually want your wife back… Or, more importantly, if YOU want to be
happy… Then you’ve got to focus on what you can control RIGHT NOW. And
there’s only one thing that’s totally under your control:
You

How to Control Yourself
DOs and DON’Ts When Your Wife Wants Out
Remember the crucial point we made earlier…
If your wife has already dropped the D-bomb on you, if you’re in the middle of a ‘trial’
separation, then your wife already sees herself as being passed the marriage. No
matter what she might say, she’s starting to think about a life without you.
Like we said in the last chapter, it doesn’t matter whose fault it is… You’re both to
blame. You’ve both made mistakes and honestly, neither one of you really DESERVE a
happy marriage at this point. But that doesn’t matter; these are the facts. Your wife has
already seen an alternative to staying married (i.e. divorce, single lifestyle), and it’s an
alternative she likes.
I can also guarantee that right now she has other people in her life encouraging her to
get out of the marriage. Maybe she has a divorced friend or a sister to whom she’s
complained about you, or maybe even another man. Again, none of this changes the
facts… Knowing this doesn’t change the situation you’re in RIGHT NOW.
So, if it is a fact that your wife is already thinking about divorce … If she’s already
starting to envision her life outside the marriage, here’s what you should and should not
do:
Don’t Smother or Pressure Her

Hopefully by now you know that begging
your wife to stay in the marriage is only
going to push her further away.
But, you might not know the reason

WHY begging is so destructive…
1. Begging makes you look weak

and needy.

2. Begging makes you look like an incapable leader.
3. Begging is selfish; you beg when you don’t have control, but you
desperately want control.
4. Begging puts PRESSURE on her, which at this point will only push her away
from the marriage.
That fourth point is the really important one here.
If you think about what the word “pressure” actually means, pressure is an increased
force towards an outcome. When you blow up a balloon, you put pressure on the rubber.
If you put enough pressure on it, it pops.
Right now, the only outcome your wife sees is divorce. That means any
pressure you put on her will only push her further towards divorce and a single life
without you.
So, you need to avoid putting pressure on her at all costs.
However, remember that pressure isn't just asking your wife to come back to the
marriage… You pressure your wife every time you communicates your expectation for
her to love you or spend time with you or come back to the marriage.
This is really important – pressure is what happens when you have self-centered
expectations for your wife. This hits on point #3 above… The reason begging is so high-
pressure is because begging is rooted in selfishness. You beg when you don’t have
control, but you want it. Begging is rooted in fear, not in love. We’ll talk more abuot this
below (see: What’s the Difference Between Pressure & Affection?)
Likewise, anytime you have an ulterior motive in anything you do for your wife –
anytime you have an expectation attached to any affection or gesture you do for her –
THAT is what creates pressure. We’ll talk a bit more about this later in the chapter.
In the meantime, your goal right now is to let her come to you! Give her space. When
you do initiate contact with her – whether that’s through text, phone call or in person –
make sure you don’t put pressure on her; simply be there for her. Make her life better.

Here are some of the most common ways that desperate husbands accidentally put
pressure on their wives. Make sure you don’t do any of these:
 DO NOT constantly say “I love you” every time you see her. In a healthy
marriage, you can say “I love you” as much as you want. I tell my wife that I love
her probably 10 or 15 times a day. But, constantly saying “I love you” when your
wife is already on the way out just feels like you’re trying to get her to say it back
to you. (Note: This doesn’t mean you should never say “I love you,” you just need
to make sure you’re saying it for the right reasons… More on that below)
 DO NOT always ask what she’s doing or where she’s going. However hard it is,
right now you need to let your wife live her own life. Constantly inquiring her
whereabouts just shows her that you (A) don’t trust her and (B) desperately don’t
want her to leave
 DO NOT ask her how she’s doing or how she feels. She hears this as, “Have you
decided to stay with me yet?”
 DO NOT buy her gifts or flowers or take her on a really fancy date. Again, way too
obvious. If you do take your wife on a date, make it about the time together and
taking her mind off things; don’t try to impress her with a hefty dinner bill at the
fanciest restaurant in town. Go to your favorite burger joint and grab a movie,
something like that.
 If you’re separated, try NOT to be the one to initiate contact. We’ll talk more
about this below, but just know that it puts pressure on her and makes you feel
worse when she ignores your texts or calls.
Again, this is a list of things NOT to do. If you catch yourself doing any of these things,
or things similar to the items on the list above, try to change your behavior so that you
stop putting pressure on her.

What’s the Difference Between Pressure & Affection?
After reading the first version of Manly Marriage Revival, a guy emailed me with some
very good questions. Let’s call him Nathan.
Nathan’s wife is moving out in a week, and she’s been constantly trying to pick fights
with him and get him all riled up. Classic forgiveness revolt. He has stood strong and
continued to improve his own leadership throughout the past few weeks, but he had a
very good question for me about telling the difference between pressure and affection.
Here’s his email:
Jacob, One last question for you… Every day when I arrive at work, I text my
wife just to tell her “have a good day.”
My question is, should I keep doing these types of things? Will this show my
forgiveness or will it not? Does this put pressure on her?
And here’s what I told him. This is the part that applies to you:
Hey Nathan, it's totally fine to text your wife that nice message every day before
work! Under one condition… You have to make sure you’re showing genuine
affection, and not just trying to control her.
As a general rule of thumb, the best way to determine whether you should be
doing something or not – whether that something is texting her, talking to her,
or buying her flowers – is to ask yourself, "Am I doing this out of a desire to
control her, or out of a desire to make her life better?"
Genuine affection comes with no expectations attached. Genuine

affection is shown for the pure pleasure of knowing you're making your
beloved's life better. False affection is shown with an expectation of change or
reciprocation attached.
So, to answer your question, if you look at your motivations and figure out that
you're really only texting her that "have a good day" message, not because you
actually want her to have a good day, but because you want her to recognize

your worth as a husband, well, you may want to re-evaluate what you’re doing.
But! If you look inside yourself and see that you're texting her "have a good day"
because you truly want her to have a good day and you want her to know that
you're out there wishing well for her because that knowledge makes her life
better, then there's nothing wrong with that!
The key takeaway here is that motivation is everything. She can tell when
you're doing something for selfish reasons versus selfless reasons.
Hope that helps.
Much manly love,

- Jacob
So, when deciding whether or not to do something, remember that it must be genuine.
Genuine affection still puts some pressure on her, but it’s a different kind of pressure…
It’s the kind of pressure that makes her look inside herself and start to see you as a
different person.
In looking over that list of stuff not to do above, you’ll see that the reasoning behind
many of the things I recommend against doing is that it comes off as controlling and
desperate. It’s important to remember that desperation, begging and fear are all rooted
in a desire for control. The problem with doing the things on that list above isn’t the
actual things you’re doing, but the mindset with which most men tend to do them
during a separation, that is unless they make a conscious effort to let go of selfish
expectations.
From now on, anytime you communicate with your wife during this separation, make
sure you are NOT trying to control her, and that you ARE trying to selflessly make her
life better. Make sense?
Do Give Her Space to Make Her Own Decisions

If putting pressure on your wife means that you’re trying to control her decisions, what’s
the opposite of that?

The opposite of pressure is to give her complete freedom to make
her own decisions.
At this point, your wife is going to make her own decisions anyways. There’s nothing you
can say or do to change her mind – the only way to get her back is by making your
marriage the better option. You have to be the better choice.
So, don’t even try to challenge her decisions. Don’t try to control her or manipulate her
or change her mind. You can’t. All you can do is try and make the choice of staying with
you more favorable.
Right now, you have two options:
A. You can try and control her decisions and end up pushing her away, or…
B. You can let her make her own decisions and make yourself seem more attractive
and confident in doing so.
I recommend option B.
Your wife wants space. She needs to get away from you to clear her head. Even if she’s
still living at home with you, she needs that feeling of awayness. She needs to feel like an
individual again. If you don’t give her that space, you’re only making things worse.
Once she’s an individual again, once she has clarity again, THEN she can start to see you
as the best option on the table.
This is what I mean when I say you have to “Let her go to get her back”. You
have to genuinely let her go so that she can pursue her own happiness, and you have to
come to terms with the fact that she will make her own decisions based on what she
believes will get her the most happiness.
Your best chance, then, is to make yourself into the man that she wants to be with
completely of her own accord. As you grow into a good husbandly leader, as long as you
and your wife remains separated, your mindset needs to be, “I will be the best
husbandly leader I can be, and because of that I am better for her than any other
option. I trust that she will see that, even if it takes weeks, months or years.”

Don’t Argue or Mope
This one will be extremely difficult. Even if you don’t feel particularly combative right
now, you will get impatient. You will go through phases of extreme resentment. You will
be depressed, which will make you irritable.
You must hold strong. Resist arguing and never let your wife see you moping.
Why?
For one, arguing with your wife will put pressure on her. Like we said above, you want to
avoid putting pressure on her at all costs.
Secondly, arguing presents an image of yourself that you don’t want your wife to see
right now. Same thing with moping. If your wife sees you constantly moping around,
throwing yourself a pity party, being visibly depressed; that kind of attitude will drive
her away.
You may be thinking, “But doesn’t my wife want to know that the thought of her
leaving makes me sad? Doesn’t she want to know that she matters to me?”
Yes, she does. Probably in part because she wants to feel like she’s doing better than you.
But if you actually want her to stay, you need to show her that her leaving has affected
you in a different way…
Do Be Quiet, Calm & Confident

Basically, pretend to be the
opposite of how you feel right
now.
Again, I know that this is

extremely difficult. I’m really and
truly sorry that you’re in this
position. But you’ve got to fake it.

Imagine a version of yourself that
is unshakably at peace. Imagine Serenity is not freedom from the
yourself always wearing a slight smile, storm, but peace within the storm.
always thinking before you speak and
saying the exact right thing; you’re calm and collected, always with a cool head.
Do you see that version of yourself in your head?
Pretend to be him. Make yourself project that image when you’re around your wife.
 Don’t engage in fights.

Quick Warning:
 Don’t raise your voice.
Stay away from alcohol during this
 Don’t let yourself get frantic or
time. It’ll lower your inhibitions and
exasperated or angry.
increase the chances that you’ll lose
 Stay in control at all times.
your cool and say something that you
 Always think before you speak.
wouldn’t say if you were sober. It’s not
 Be kind, encouraging and positive.
worth the risk; you can’t afford to make
Basically, whatever you used to do before, mistakes.
you should probably do the opposite.
The only man your wife sees out of you should be the man she
wants to be with.
This will freak her out at first. She may get angry to test your temper. She may get teary-
eyed and ask you why the separation isn’t affecting you the same way it’s affecting her.
She may even flaunt the fact that she’s living a single life.
 Don’t lose your cool.

 Stay calm and collected and confident.
 Speak quietly, and make every word count.
I’m not saying you have to lie. You don’t have to tell your wife that you don’t care about
her. You don’t have to tell her that the separation/divorce doesn’t bother you. You can
even TELL her that you’re sad and that you miss her. … But you can’t show it in the way

that you normally would.
Don’t Snoop or Spy

This one is really hard, especially if you suspect that your wife is seeing another man, or
if you suspect that she’s having an affair. No matter what, you cannot snoop or spy on
her.
 Do not stalk her on Facebook

 If you know her passwords, don’t log
into her email or Facebook to see who
she’s talking to
 Don’t look at her phone or text
messages
 Don’t track her credit card or bank
accounts
 Don’t “surprise her” at work
 Certainly don’t follow her to see where she’s going or who she’s spending her time
with
This is just as much for your own good as it is for hers.
Honestly, I’ve said it before, but the best advice I can give you is to completely deactivate
your Facebook account. It’s only a distraction and a temptation, and not something that
you need in your life right now. Most men who do this realize how much better their life
is without Facebook to the point that they never reactivate their account.
Even if you don’t completely cut yourself off from Facebook, all of the other rules apply.
Don’t stalk her. Don’t snoop. Don’t spy. Don’t inquire.
Let her go and live the life she wants to live.

Do Accept that She’s Trying to Be Happy
Again, this is much easier said than done. Especially if you know that your wife is having
an emotional or physical affair.
Here we come back to the importance of understanding what’s going through your wife’s
mind… Right now, she has one goal and one goal only:
She wants to be HAPPY.
That is truly her only goal.
The reason she’s seeking divorce, separation or even an extramarital relationship is

because she no longer believes that she can be happy inside the marriage.
If your wife is seeing another man, this is one of the hardest parts of the whole book.
Recognize that it’s extremely common during separation for a spouse to fall into a
“rebound” relationship. Most of the time it’s only emotional… She may go on a couple
dates and call him every now and then. Sometimes it will go further, but most of the
time it won’t.
Again, I know that this is an extremely hard pill to swallow, but you’ve got to understand
your wife’s point of view. She does not think of herself as being in the marriage
any longer. Because of that, in her mind you two are not bound by the vows of your
marriage. You’re on a break. Things aren’t working out. She’s on her way out the door.
To her, there is no unfaithfulness; there’s just moving on.
Let me say this one more time because it’s extremely important…
Right now, your wife’s ONLY goal is to be happy. Accept that she is going to do whatever
she has to do – whatever she FEELS she has to do – to be happy. And as we’ve been
saying all along, this leaves us with a simple goal:

We need to make her FEEL that staying with you and rekindling the
marriage will make her happier than leaving the relationship to start a
life on her own. That’s your only goal.
Don’t Talk to Her Friends or Family Members

Talking to your wife’s family and friends is just another way of trying to spy on and
manipulate your wife.
Most of the time, when women leave their husbands in situations like this, there are
always members of their family or mutual friends who are sympathetic with you, the
husband. So, if you really wanted to, you could probably get them to say something to
your wife.
A lot of guys will try and talk to their wife’s parents or her siblings to see if they will say
something to her. Maybe you’ll try and contact one of her friends to see if she can “talk
some sense into her”.
Do. NOT. Do this.
For one, your wife will immediately know what’s up. She’s not stupid. And even if she is,
there’s a 50-50 chance that close friend or family member will just go back to your wife
and tell them exactly what you asked them to do.
Even with the best-case scenario… Even if your wife doesn’t suspect that you talked to
her family/friends/coworkers and they don’t rat you out…
They’re never going to change her mind.
They will just pressure her further away, just as much as if you’d been the one talking to
her. If anything, you want her friends and family members to leave her alone!
Just like we said before, you can’t control your wife, and nobody else can control your
wife either. Only your wife can make decisions for herself.

Do Move On With Your Life
You need to move on with your life. You need to show your wife that you are not
dependent on her to live, and that you’re going to be happy with or without her.
This seems kind of backwards, because you may think, “Doesn’t my wife want to know
that I love her?”
Yes, she does. But she also needs less pressure.
When you show her that you can live without her, you’re actually
decreasing pressure on her.
Not only that, but you need to get your own life together for your own sake.
Listen, I’m not here to guarantee that you can get your wife back. Like I’ve said since the
beginning of this book, there’s nothing that you or I or anyone else can do to change
your wife’s mind. There simply is NOT any way to guarantee that your wife will stay
with you, because if she really, really wants to, she can get a divorce all by herself.
So, you need to get a life outside your wife. Here are some ideas to get you thinking:
 Do something that’s entirely unlike yourself, something you’ve never done before.
 Sign up for a class at a local college or community center.
 Start going to the gym, or pick up a new sport.
 Get more active at church. Start volunteering.
 Go hiking or fishing with your friends.
 Start a new friendship with a coworker.
 Pick up an old hobby.
 Find a creative outlet.
Basically, try to stay busy and do whatever you can to focus on yourself. Being social and
getting out will help you reflect on yourself as a leader, as a husband and a man.
Doing these types of activities are also good because they get you out of the house. They
will remind you that you are an individual.

Another added benefit we hinted at earlier is that getting out and being active will show
your wife that you’re going to live a happy life with or without her. When you
show your wife that you can be happy on your own, it will make her wonder what she’s
missing.
Don’t do anything you do right now for your wife. Do it all for you. After all, that’s
exactly what your wife is doing right now, and it’s what you should be doing too. And
even though it seems backwards, this is actually the best way to increase your chances of
getting your wife back.
Do Make Your Wife Do All the D-Work

My last tip for you is this: While you should never deliberately delay divorce
proceedings, that doesn’t mean you have to make it easy for your wife to file for a
divorce.
Show up to all the mediation appointments… Do all the things that directly have to do
with you to make the divorce happen… But don’t do your wife any favors to make it
easier for her to get a divorce.
For example, let’s say your wife needs her birth certificate or last year’s tax returns, and
she left them at the house. Don’t offer to bring them over to her new apartment; make
her find time to come and get what she needs.
Or, if she needs to visit the bank and get something out of your joint safe deposit box,
don’t make the appointment for her. Don’t find the deposit box keys for her. Tell her
you’re busy, and that you’re happy to leave the door open if she’d like to come over
sometime and look for them.
See what I mean? It’s not that you should be going out of your way to delay the
proceedings; you just shouldn’t be going out of your way to make them any easier.
There’s a crucial difference here… Deliberately delaying the divorce is an act of

desperation; refusing to make it easier for her is an act of confident protest.

– The No Contact Rule –
Warning: The No Contact Rule should only be used if your wife has fully moved out
of the house. It’s not meant to be used if you’re still living together or if you’re not
separated from your wife, and honestly you shouldn’t need it in either of those cases.
The No Contact Rule is meant to be used as a last resort when nothing else is getting
your wife back.
See Appendix A for help using the No Contact Rule when you have kids.
If everything you’ve tried to get your wife back has only pushed her further away, then
it’s time to cut off all contact. This is your final course of action; your last ditch effort.
And again, just like every other tip in this chapter, it’s for your own benefit just as
much as it is for hers.
Here’s how to do it:
1. For the next week, make absolutely no contact with your wife. No phone calls. No
text messages. No emails. No letters. Nothing.
a. If she texts, calls, or emails you in this week, don’t text her or call her
back… Stall out contact instead. Here’s how:

If she tries to contact you, the only thing you can tell her is that you’re busy
and that you’ll get back to her “sometime in the next a couple days”. But
you won’t… You’re just stalling.
If you DO have to stall, you should still wait at least six hours to respond to
any contact from your wife, even if it’s to tell her you can’t talk right now.
2. When the week is up, you’re allowed to re-engage contact with your wife. You
may make one phone call, or meet her one time. However, do NOT re-engage
contact through email or Facebook unless you absolutely have no other option.
There are some special rules for this first contact:
a. Do NOT talk about yourself

b. Do NOT try to talk about the marriage
c. Do NOT talk about sad or emotional topics
d. Let her direct the flow of the conversation
e. Keep it casual
f. Spend most of the conversation listening to her; at least 70%
g. Stay calm and collected; do NOT lose your temper or raise your voice for
any reason
h. You can flirt if it feels natural, but don’t force it
3. One of two things will happen after you re-engage contact:
a. You will feel good about the contact. You’ll have a good conversation, one
where you didn’t talk about yourself and only listened. You will be able to
tell that your wife misses you. Ideally, she will ask to see you again
sometime. If so, proceed to step 4.

b. The contact will go poorly. Either you will say/do something that you
shouldn’t have, or she will be distant, upset or angry. If this is what
happens, start over at step 1.
c. You should also start over at step 1 if you can’t get your wife to commit to a
phone call or in-person visit… In other words, if you can’t get contact with
your wife, go another week without trying to contact her.
4. If your first contact went well, you’re allowed to contact her again. However, you
should still keep yourself from ever being the one to initiate contact. Make her
always come to you.
a. Continue to do your best to follow the rules in step three in all of your
conversations… Keep it casual, do lots of listening, stay calm at all costs.
5. If she continues to want contact with you, then eventually she will want to talk
about the marriage. When you’ve had at least TWO WEEKS of consistent good
contact with your wife, then and only then are you allowed to talk about the
marriage. Even then, the longer you can avoid this conversation, the better.
If she tries to bring up the marriage before you’ve hit the two-week mark, tell her
you don’t want to talk about it. Tell her you just want to have fun again – I can
guarantee that she’ll understand that.
Now, there’s a chance that contact with your wife will never improve. Again, like we’ve
been saying since page 1 of this book, there’s no way to guarantee that your wife will
come back to the marriage. But, like I said earlier, the No Contact Rule is just as much
for you as it is for her. By forcing yourself to spend a couple weeks at a time without
contacting your wife, you will force yourself to start a new life.

When you’ve got no other options left, the No Contact Rule is your best chance of getting
your wife back.
Sometimes You Have to

Do the Opposite of What You Think
… At least, at first.
Eventually you need to trust your gut. But initially,

in the first stages of coping with separation, your
desperate self – the side of you that feels out of
control – will be constantly trying to drag you
down.
In the beginning of any separation, the best advice

I can give you is to do the opposite of what you think you should do.
Most of the things I tell you to do in this chapter will feel completely backwards… At
first, your gut instinct will be to do all the DON’Ts and disobey all the DOs.
During the No Contact Rule, you will be tempted to try and have a conversation with
your wife after just a few days instead of a full week. When you do contact her, you’ll be
tempted to talk about the marriage, or to tell her what you’ve been doing so that you can
show her you’re moving on.
Don’t do any of that.
Whatever your desperate self tells you to do, whatever your fear tells you, 99% of the
time you should do the opposite.
Listen – over the years I’ve worked with a LOT of men in your situation. I’ve gotten
hundreds of emails and read countless accounts from men, all of whom faced either
separation or divorce.

Inevitably, the mistakes that the typical man Inside the Haven makes tend to be the
same mistakes everyone else has made. He lets his wife get to him… He loses his
temper; he clings; he pressures; he gives up.
Don’t be that guy.
If your wife wants divorce, your best chance of getting her back is to make REALLY BIG
changes to your behavior. Whatever feels unnatural, whatever feels wrong, chances are
that’s what you should be doing.
Separation is really hard. Really, really hard. Probably the hardest thing you’ll ever have
to do. And the kicker is that the only way you can hope to fix it is by actually making it
HARDER for yourself. This won’t be easy, but if you follow the rules outlined in this
chapter, at the very least you’ll guarantee a happy future for yourself.

 There’s no magic answer. Anyone who guarantees you can fix your marriage is
a liar. There’s no way to MAKE your wife stay happy and married.
o Instead, your goal is to make yourself and the marriage so much better
of a choice compared to divorce that she’d be a fool to leave.
 DON’T smother her or pressure her in any way. DO give her space to think and
feel like herself again.
 DON’T mope around or argue with your wife. DO be quiet, calm and
confident.
 DON’T snoop or try to spy on what your wife is doing. DO accept that you
already know what she’s doing… She’s trying to be happy.
 DON’T try to get family members or friends to talk to her on your behalf. DO
genuinely move on with your life.
 DON’T deliberately delay the divorce. DO make your wife do all the divorce
work (ie. do your part of the divorce work; don’t do hers).
 Use the No Contact Rule ONLY when you’ve tried everything else.

Chapter 17. Seven Things to Say to Your
Wife to Get Her Back
Does your wife want out of the marriage? This chapter outlines
seven specific conversation tactics you may be able to adapt (in
your own words) to help persuade your wife to stay. This chapter
also serves to address a variety of specific problems you may be
facing in your marriage.
Do you know exactly what to say to your wife to get her back?
No?
Don’t worry, not many men do.
Honestly, I almost didn’t include this chapter in the book. The truth is that there’s no
way that I (or anyone else) can teach you exactly what to say to your wife to get her back.
Every marriage is different, and every separation is different too.
The goal of this chapter, then, is NOT to give you a cookie-cutter template of what you
can say to your wife.
Instead, these statements are meant to inspire you to come up with similar things to say
to your wife. Look at the tactic used behind each statement and apply it to your own
situation.
With that quick disclaimer out of the way, let’s jump in…
Here are five things to say to your wife to get her back. For each tactic, I’ll give you an
example of how you might phrase it, and then I’ll tell you the goal of saying it to your
wife.

1. Explain What You Want from
Your Dream Marriage
Remember that exercise we did earlier in Chapter 7? The one where we outlined a day in
the life of your ideal marriage? Basically, here we’re going to share that ideal marriage
with your wife.
Here’s an example:
"I believe the perk of being married is to enjoy the warmth, affection and
stability of your partner. I want that, and I want it with you. I will be here
waiting for you, but if you want the divorce, then don't let me stop you. I’m
sorry that I’ve failed to give you the things you want, but I believe that I CAN
give you those things in the future if you’ll let me."
The Goal:
The goal of this statement is to get your
wife thinking about what your marriage
COULD be like. You’re trying to show her
that you want the same thing she wants –
her own happiness.
The other goal here is to present an

image of confidence… You’re saying to
your wife, “I know what you want and I can give it to you,” but you’re doing it in a way
that puts literally no pressure on her. You’re saying, “Our marriage is the right decision,
but I know it’s still you’re choice.”
If you need some help coming up with your own version of the statement, go back to
your own ideal marriage exercise… Use the feelings and descriptions you came up with
there to craft your dream marriage statement to your wife.

Alternatively, just think about what you know your wife wants out of the marriage… Use
those feelings and desires to craft your version of this statement.
2. Call on a Real-Life Role Model

Remind your wife of what your life can look like over the long-term by calling on a real-
life role model. Explain what decision you believe this role model would make in her
situation clearly and confidently. Then, you leave the ball in her court.
My best friend actually used a statement like this when his wife was involved in an
emotional affair:
“Look, I love you and I’m not going to leave this marriage. If you want out, I
won’t stop you, but what would your dad think? I want us to have the same
kind of marriage that your parents have had for the past 30 years. If you
don’t want to make that commitment, fine, but it’ll be your decision, not
mine.”
The Goal:
Just like the first statement, you’re putting the ball entirely in your wife’s court. But this
time, you’re calling on a real-life role model that you know your wife looks up to.
In this case, my friend’s wife has always respected and looked up to her father. She loves
her parents and she knows that they’re a good example of how a committed marriage
should work and the rewards that come from a lifelong relationship. She was never one
of those rebellious types who tried to do the opposite of her parents. So, he called on the
example of her father to make his case.
Your wife may not look up to her parents… That’s okay. Any role model will do. The
point is that you get your wife thinking about her decisions through someone’s
perspective other than her own.

3. Take Responsibility
& Put Yourself in Her Shoes
(without begging)
This one’s really simple and yet it can be tough to execute because of those extra two
words in parentheses. It’s easy to admit your mistakes; it’s harder to do it without
begging or ulterior motives.
Here’s how I might use this tactic in my own marriage:
“When I look in the mirror, I see a man who’s made mistakes. I know I’ve
messed up, and I take responsibility for letting our marriage fall apart. I can
see now why you want to leave, and I won’t stop you… Honestly, I can’t say
that I wouldn’t do the same thing in your shoes. But, let me just say this:
I’ve seen what I’ve done wrong, and I know that I can change. I won’t ask
you to stay, but if you do, I think I can show you the marriage we’ve always
wanted.”
The Goal:
This tactic is my personal favorite because it’s the most
servant-oriented of the statements in this chapter. The
goal here is to show your wife that you recognize your
own mistakes.
By telling your wife that you’d leave if you were in her

shoes, you simultaneously show her that you know just
how badly you messed up, and that you respect her
desire to live her own life.
The power of this statement is that you’re taking pressure off her, but at the same time,
you’re making it impossible to object to what you’re saying. After all, you’re agreeing
with her!

In the right situation, this statement can be very moving. The only thing you have to be
really careful of is to say this in a way that does NOT come off as begging or desperation.
This statement is NOT you begging your wife to come back. If you say this with tears in
your eyes, on your knees, or if you put too much emphasis on her giving you another
chance, you will end up pushing her away.
I know this sounds counterintuitive, but you need to say this with confidence. It’s a
weird thing to think about, but you need to be confident in admitting your mistakes. Be
confident that you made mistakes and be confident about their consequences. But be
optimistic about your future.
Also, one final caveat is that you really have to mean what you say for this statement to
work. You really need to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and say, “Wow, I made
big mistakes, I really can see why she’d leave.” If you can’t do that, skip this one.
4. I Hope We Can Still Be Friends

This one is pretty much exactly what it sounds like:
“I know that you need to take some time to yourself, and that’s okay. Take
all the time you need, and I will be okay with whatever you decide. When
you’re ready, I hope that we can still be friends, IF that would make you
happy.”
The Goal:
After some time apart, it’s normal for your wife to want to “just be friends”. Lots of men
get to this stage and have no idea what to do. The answer? Be okay with it!
Why?
Because if you can get your wife to want to be friends with you, that’s a step in the right
direction. It means that you’ve successfully released the pressure, and it also
gives you an avenue to spend more time together.

Even if you and your wife haven’t spent a substantial amount of time apart yet, even if
she hasn’t specifically asked you to “just be friends” yet, this statement can still be a
powerful tool. What you’re doing here is jumping the gun… You’re getting a head start.
When YOU are the one to say, “I hope we can be friends” that instantly tells your wife
that you’ve moved on. Again, even though this is counterintuitive, it’s actually exactly
what you want your wife to be thinking right now. If she thinks you’ve moved on, then
she can trust you to be an unbiased friend, which will allow you to begin courting her
again, and eventually work your way back to a happy married relationship.
5. You’re Right, I Need Space Too

Just like the last statement, in this one you’re fully agreeing with your wife. You’re
getting everything out on the table so that nothing is left to fester. You’re giving her
permission to distance herself from the relationship… What you’re not telling her is that
this distance will allow her to better see the big picture of your marriage.
Here’s what this might look like:
“I’ve been thinking more about what you said last time we talked, and I
think you’re right. We need some time apart. I know that you’re unhappy in
this marriage, and I’m not happy either. Neither of us wants to continue
living in this type of relationship. I am your husband, and I haven’t given up
on our marriage yet, but I know that our old marriage can’t continue as it
was; I need time to work on myself so that I can better see what needs to
change.”
The Goal:
This is a powerful statement that allows you to sort of “trick” your way into the
leadership role, even as you and your wife are facing separation.

Basically, you’re taking the lead on the separation;
you are validating your wife’s feelings about the
marriage, and even though it’s validation in the
wrong direction, any validation you can give
your wife right now is a good thing.
Just like statement #4, this one makes it clear that

you’re moving on from the marriage, which is exactly
what your wife needs to see you doing.
Not only that, but this statement gives your wife more
freedom to actually talk to you about the separation…
When she believes that you agree with her decision to
separate, she’ll feel much more open about sharing her feelings and her struggles with
you throughout the separation.
Here’s a secret:
Being your wife in this situation – being the woman who left – is
actually very lonely. She may try to hide it, but I can promise you that
your wife is feeling lonely right now.
After all, most women in your wife’s situation really don’t have anyone to talk to…
Sure, her friends and family may listen, but it will be with pity, and they won’t REALLY
understand what she’s going through. And she’ll quickly see that… In the back of her
mind, she’ll start to resent other people’s pity and she’ll wish that ANYONE could
understand what she’s going through.
This statement reminds her that you can be that ‘anyone’… It reminds her that even in
separation, you’re in it with her.

6. Will You Stop Your Affair?
If Not, I Have to Leave
We’ve already talked briefly about what your mindset should be if your wife is having an
affair, and we’ll go much more in-depth in the next chapter (The Affair Chapter), but I
wanted to tell you up front that sometimes your wife will adamantly refuse to stop her
affair. This statement is for you to use when your wife keeps coming back home, maybe
she’ll even be affectionate towards you when she’s home, but at the same time she’s
actively involved in an affair and won’t stop.
At some point, you have to put your foot down and give her an ultimatum. When exactly
that time will come is completely up to you and that’s a decision you’ll have to make for
yourself, but when it does come, here’s an idea of what you might say:
"Honey, I love you, I value our family more than anything, and I truly want to
grow old with you, but I will NOT stay in this house while you pursue
another man, even if you're not attracted to me right now. You know just as
well as I do that our marriage cannot be fixed if your heart isn't in it, which it
can't be as long as this other man is on the scene. So I will ask you one
more time: Can you let go of this outside relationship, even though I know it
makes you happy right now, for the greater long-term good of our marriage
and family?"
The Goal:
The goal here is to communicate to your wife that you do love her and that you DO want
the marriage to work, but at the same time you can’t stick around while she’s involved in
an affair.
The crux of this statement is the simple truth that for as long as your wife remains
involved with another man, there is NO WAY that your marriage can be repaired. It
can’t happen; her heart can’t come back to the marriage if she’s actively giving it to
another man.

So, what you’re doing here is telling your wife like it is. You’re saying (A) I love you and I
want this marriage to work, (B) I won’t stay in this house if you won’t stop the affair, (C)
please stop the affair even though I know you don’t want to right now.
When do you use this statement?
The answer: you avoid using it at all costs. This kind of ultimatum is a last resort, but
sometimes a last resort is what you need.
If you’re not ready to give your wife an ultimatum, then simply leave out the
part about leaving the house if she won’t quit the affair; that will still be effective.
7. What to Say When She Keeps Asking

for Divorce
This isn’t so much a ‘thing to say’ as a situation that a lot of men have to deal with, and I
want you to know what to do when this happens.
I’ll give you an example:
Last week, a guy emailed me telling me how his wife kept bringing up the topic of
divorce. In her mind, the marriage was done and she was done trying to make it
work; she just wanted to start filing paperwork and be done with it.
Finally, one day she asked him, “So what are we going to do about this divorce?”
He said, “I’m not ready to file for divorce. I still think we can make this marriage
work.”
She got extremely cold and distant and the conversation was over.
What would you do in this situation?
On the one hand, it is a good thing to stand up for your marriage. It’s a good thing to
make sure your wife knows that you DO believe in the marriage, and that you ARE

working on fixing it. But, on the other hand, the last thing you want is for your wife to
decide that she’s going to start the divorce by herself.
Here’s what I told him (legal disclaimer – I’m not a lawyer and this isn’t legal advice):
Hey John,
First, good job sticking up for your marriage and standing your ground. You’re
doing a lot of the right things here, but I want to give you a piece of advice…
From the sound of it, your wife is going to continue asking you about getting
started on a divorce. What you DON'T want to happen is for her to go behind
your back and get the paperwork started without involving you at all. What you
DON'T want to happen is for you to wake up one day and hear her say, "I've
been meeting with a lawyer for the past two months, sign these papers so we
can get divorced or else I will take you to court."
Remember, divorce is a very lengthy process. I know that for my own parents,
it took them a solid six months of lawyer meetings and mediation sessions to
finalize the divorce, and their divorce was relatively amicable. So, even if you do
agree to get the divorce process started with your wife, that doesn't mean that
you have to stop trying to save your marriage… You’ll still have time to make
changes and slow things down and even turn things around.
So, one thing you might try doing the next time she asks you about the divorce is
saying something like this (I'm pretending your wife's name is Mary):
"Alright Mary, I know you're ready to get divorced, and I respect your
wishes to move on with your life. I'm willing to talk about this divorce
with you, but I want you to know that I have NOT given up on our
marriage. Even if we start moving forward with this divorce, I will
continue trying to repair our relationship, and I will continue hoping
that we can have a future together… (continued below)

“I know that you can't see this right now, but my hope is that since I
am willing to work on this divorce with you, if at any point you also
get the feeling that we can have a future together, then you will tell
me so that we can pause for a little bit to give our marriage a chance.
I'm not asking you to say yes to the marriage right now, I'm just
asking you to keep an open mind. Can we agree to that?"
The Goal:
The goal here is that you get your wife to keep you in the loop. That way she
doesn't feel like she has to do all the work for the divorce; she can keep you involved. At
this point, you want to keep any lines of communication open that you possibly can,
even if those lines of communication have to do with the divorce. Constantly saying “no”
to her will eventually give her no choice but to start the divorce without you.
The goal in saying something like this to her is simple… You communicate that you truly
believe the marriage can work and that you will continue working on it no matter what,
but you also show her that you do respect her and you don't want her to feel like she has
to do this divorce thing alone.
I know it's kind of counter-intuitive, but I think this is a good starting point for you if
your wife is dead-set on divorce and for the unique situation you're in right now.
Ultimately, remember to focus on what you can control. If your wife is adamant
about divorce, well, you can't control that right now, but you CAN control how you
interact with her during the process and you can show her that no matter what, you still
believe in the marriage.

Core Conversation Tactics
for Men Facing Separation
Throughout these statements, you can take away a few core conversation tactics that you
should always use with your wife if you’re facing separation.
Agree, Agree, Agree

Right now, your wife is disconnected from the marriage. Anytime you disagree with her,
you cement that disconnection. Disagreements solidify the distance between you and
her.
In many of the statements, you will be agreeing with your wife. You will validate what
she has to say and you will agree with her decision to leave. It’s counterintuitive, but the
reason that this works is because any agreement at all is a GOOD thing. Even if you and
your wife only agree about the need for separation – and even if deep down, you don’t
actually agree with it – it will actually make it more likely that she will come back.
Speak Calmly and Confidently

I’ve said before, but it’s very important that you stay calm and confident in front of your
wife. It’s not that you can’t show emotion, but you need to stay in control.
Don’t let your emotions rule your tongue; always think about what you’re going to
say before you say it, and try to avoid stuttering or wavering during your speech. Think
of what you’re going to say, say it, then listen to her response.
No Pressure
With the possible exception of statement #2 and #6, the one thing that every single one
of these statements in this chapter has in common is that they put absolutely no
pressure on your wife. Even in statement #2, though, you’re still telling your wife that
you won’t try to stop her from leaving.

I cannot emphasize this enough… You CANNOT put pressure on your wife that is rooted
in your own desire to control her and the marriage. Any ‘selfish’ pressure at all will push
her away.
Don’t Fight, Argue, Beg or Complain

I hope this doesn’t need to be said by now, but no begging, no arguing, no fighting and
no complaining. Don’t show your wife the depressed side of you. Don’t show her the side
of you that is scared of losing her. Only show her the confident, kind leader that will be
stable and happy no matter what. She should look at you and want the kind of happiness
you have.
Remember: Listen First, Speak Second

This applies regardless of what you’re saying to your wife or what statement you’re
trying to adapt in your own conversations.
As we said in the earlier chapters about communication, it’s very important that you
actually listen to what your wife says. Use the listening signals we talked about earlier in
the book. Put real effort into being a good listener in every encounter you have with your
wife, whether it’s on the phone or in person.
Don’t be afraid to slow down conversations. You don’t have to instantly reply to
everything your wife says. Take your time to digest the words she’s saying, think about
the best response, and then say it clearly and kindly.
A Quick Word on The No Contact Rule

We spent the last part of last chapter talking about no contact, so I won’t go into too
much detail here.
Just remember that sometimes there isn’t anything you can say to get your wife back…
At least not right now.
If everything you say seems to push her further away… If, for whatever reason, you just
can’t seem to get conversations to go your way… Then it may be time to implement the

No Contact Rule. Refer back to the end of Chapter 16 if you need specific instructions on
how to do that. There’s also a PDF checklist included with this book that you can print if
you’d like a paper copy.
Well, fellas, we’re getting close to the end of the book. In the next chapter, we’ll talk
about affairs, then after that I’ll be leaving you with some closing advice as you put
everything you’ve learned into action, as well as answering some final questions you
may have about husbandly leadership and reviving your marriage.

 Communication is most important when your wife wants out of the marriage.
You have to make every word count.
 General rules of thumb are:
o Agree with everything she says; validate her feelings about the
marriage.
o Stay calm and confident at all times, especially in the heat of conflicts.
o Don’t put any pressure on your wife to stay in the marriage – this will
only push her further away.
o Don’t argue, fight, beg, complain or mope, or anything else that
portrays you as anything other than a confident leader.
o Spend more time listening than you do speaking. Let your wife talk.

Chapter 18. The Affair Chapter
If your wife may be having, is having or did have an affair, this
chapter is for you. You’ll learn what to do whether you suspect an
affair, know about an affair that’s still happening, or are recovering
from your wife’s infidelity.
If you’re dealing with an affair in any

capacity, start by remembering everything
you’ve learned thus far. Everything you’ve
learned about husbandly leadership still
applies here.
In fact, most of the same tactics you learned

for dealing with separation also apply to
infidelity …
 Let her go to get her back

 Recognize that whatever she’s doing, it’s in pursuit of her own happiness
 Focus on what you can control
Throughout the rest of this chapter, I’m going to give you some advice for (A) if you
suspect an affair, (B) if your wife is currently having an affair, and (C) if the affair is in
the past, but you’re struggling to move on.
But first, let’s talk about the difference between an emotional affair and a physical affair.
Emotional Affair vs. Physical Affair

Most of us already know what a physical affair looks like. If anything sexual happens
between your wife and another man, that’s a physical affair. It could be kissing, fooling
around or full-blown sex… It’s all under the realm of a physical affair.

An emotional affair is much harder to define for most people because there are no
commonly accepted black-and-white rules for what counts as emotional cheating. Here’s
a definition of emotional infidelity taken from my article, What Is an Emotional Affair?
An emotional affair is mental affection without physical affection. It’s when your
wife enjoys talking to someone else, being around someone else and flirting
with someone else more than she does with you.
Many times, emotional affairs are discovered because one spouse notices that the other
spouse is spending an awful lot of time on Facebook or their phone or tablet. I actually
had not one, but TWO guys just in the past month who accidently discovered an affair
by innocently using their wife’s phone to check their email… One guy stumbled upon a
bunch of inappropriate emails, and the other guy found a bunch of texts with pictures
and everything.
Emotional affairs are just as devastating as physical affairs because the INTENTION
behind both is the same. With both types of affair, your wife has chosen another man
over you, which is painful and difficult to bear. But, as you’ll learn below, there may be
less “choice” involved in it than you think.
FYI, if you need more help beyond this chapter, I’ve already written extensively about
emotional affairs on Husband Help Haven (see: Emotional Affair Recovery 101).
Limerance: The Most Important Word to Know

If Your Wife is Cheating
Limerance is basically a fancy word for infatuation. It’s been defined as, “an involuntary
interpersonal state that involves intrusive, obsessive, and compulsive thoughts,
feelings, and behaviors that are contingent on perceived emotional reciprocation from
the object of interest.”
Some people call limerance “love sick”.

Basically, if your wife is having an affair, then I
can guarantee you that she is in a state of
limerance, and the object of her limerance is the
other man. She can’t stop thinking about him,
and she desperately wants his approval.
As we’ll talk more about below, if your wife is

stuck in the affair and has no desire to leave, it’s
because she’s limerant – she’s literally addicted
to the other man’s reciprocation of her feelings.
That’s limerance.
With that in mind, let’s get into each of the scenarios below
Scenario #1: What If You Suspect an Affair?

Your wife is more distant than usual. She’s been coming home late from work. She’s
constantly on the computer or glued to her phone.
…You suspect that she’s having an affair of some kind, but you don’t have any proof.
Maybe you’ve even confronted her about it once or twice, but she denied having an
affair. In fact, she probably lashed back at you at the mere suggestion that she’s strayed.
You probably felt like an idiot for even asking.
If this is where you’re at, here’s what I recommend:
Stop Trying to Catch Her

In Chapter 13, we briefly talked about infidelity as a possible reason that your wife is
cold. I’m going to echo here what I said there…
If you don’t have proof that your wife is having an affair, then there’s
no point worrying about it until you do.
There are a couple reasons that I think you should stop trying to catch her…

First, if your wife is having an affair, you’re going to find
out about it eventually no matter what. Everyone gets
careless after a while. It’s only a matter of time until you
stumble upon a text or an email and catch your wife in a
lie. Or, if she feels guilty, she may confess.
Second, trying to catch your wife in an affair will drive

you crazy. And, it’ll risk pushing her even further away
from the marriage. Every time you confront her, every
time you question her, it pushes her away… It tells her
that you don’t trust her.
And guess what?
Even if she is cheating, it’s very unlikely that she’ll admit anything until she’s caught
red-handed. Or, she may decide to confess on her own.
Either way, there’s no point worrying about catching your wife.
Until you have proof, continue working on things you can control… Become a better
husband. Become a better leader.
If she sees you putting in the effort, she’s much more likely to confess because she feels
bad. And if by chance she’s NOT having an affair, then you’ve saved yourself from
driving her away from the marriage.
Prepare for the Worst, Hope for the Best

Even though I recommend against trying to catch your wife or pressure her into a
confession, you should still mentally prepare yourself for the possibility of her affair.
Hope that she’s not having an affair, but prepare yourself for if she is.
By hoping for the best, you allow yourself to continue doing everything that you ought to
be doing as the husband and leader. You will be able to maintain a positive, optimistic
and encouraging attitude, which is vital if your marriage is on the rocks.

By preparing for the worst, you stay realistic. I won’t kid you here… Stats say that
something like 75% of the time that one spouse suspects the other of cheating, they’re
right. So, if you suspect an affair, you’re probably right. Prepare for it, but don’t assume
it.
The Proper Mindset

If you suspect an affair, your mindset should be akin to a loving father who knows his
daughter stole a couple bucks from his wallet. He’s patiently waiting for her to come
forward and admit she took the money, ready and waiting with open arms when she
finally confesses.
Until then, focus on what you can control. Like we said earlier, assume that infidelity is
NOT the issue until you know that it is. And even if your wife is having an affair,
remember that doesn’t mean there aren’t other problems in the marriage and yourself
that you could focus on fixing.
Note: Opposite Gender Friendships Have Rules When You’re Married

The most common excuse an emotional cheater will give for the huge amount of time
they’re spending talking to or texting another man or woman is, “We’re just friends,
what’s the big deal?” They’ll make you feel stupid and close-minded for even asking the
question.
This is something that not many married couples think about, because it’s kind of
counter-cultural. Most people think that we’re entitled to have our own friends, male or
female, even after getting married. We don’t need our spouse’s approval of our friends,
right? “You don’t control me!” we say. We get to be friends with whoever we want, and
talk to them whenever we want, right?
Not quite.
My wife and I NEVER spend time alone with members of the opposite sex. The truth is,
the rules change when you’re married. A married man can’t be “good friends” with a
woman that’s not his wife, and a married woman can’t be “good friends” with a man

that’s not her husband… At least not to the point that they spend substantial time alone.
Not in the way that they could’ve been before getting married.
I actually tell my wife even when I’m just texting or emailing another woman. For
example, a couple weeks ago one of my wife’s friends asked me for help with her
website. I made sure my wife knew every time I was emailing her, and I offered to let her
read our emails back and forth if she wanted. Now, she didn’t want to because she trusts
me, but the transparency is there, and that’s what’s important. And this is all without
either one of us EVER having an affair!
It’s not that my wife and I don’t trust each other. Just the opposite – the fact that we
keep everything transparent and above-board allows us to trust each other even more!
Scenario #2. What If You Know She’s Having

an Affair (and she won’t stop)
In this scenario, you don’t just suspect an affair, you KNOW that your wife is having an
affair, but she’s shown no interest in stopping.
What do you do?
Recognize Your Options

First, I want to make sure that you understand that if your wife is having an affair… If
she’s unrepentant and continues seeing another man even after you’ve confronted her
with proof… You’re allowed to leave.
I’m not saying you have to leave. I’m not even saying you should leave. I’m saying you’re
allowed to leave.
In other words, you are not a bad husband or a failure if you give up on a marriage with
an unfaithful wife. No matter what you’ve done to drive her to infidelity, no matter how
neglectful you’ve been, that does NOT excuse what she’s doing now.
You can’t control what your wife chooses to do, but you can control your response to it.

That being said, I’m assuming that
most of you reading this really just
want your wife back. The affair hurts,
and the fact that she won’t stop
makes it even worse, but above all
you just want her back in the
marriage…
If this is you, I commend you. The

rest of the advice in this scenario
section will be geared towards coping
with her ongoing affair and putting
an end to it. You may also want to read this article about surviving an emotional affair.
Acknowledge Her Motivation (hint: it’s not about the other man)
If your wife is having an affair, it’s not because the other man is better than you… It’s
not because he’s more attractive or more exciting or anything like that.
All that happened is that he gave her some attention a few times, she got addicted to the
feeling (Limerance), and now she’s stuck in the affair.
But, the reason she’s susceptible to getting snagged in an affair at all goes back to what
we’ve been saying for several chapters: past a certain point, when the marriage starts to
break down, your wife’s #1 priority is her own happiness.
The reason she’s strayed from the marriage is because she no longer believes she can
find happiness with you, so she’s taking drastic measures. Everything she’s doing… The
distance, the separation, the affair… It’s all an attempt for her to find happiness.
Use this awareness of her motivation to try and get to a calm state of mind.
 Yes, her unfaithfulness hurts more than words can describe…

 Yes, this other man is the scum of the earth…
 Yes, she doesn’t deserve your sympathy or your affection…

… But, if you want her back, you have to step outside of yourself and outside the
circumstances and, even though it sounds crazy, you must try to sympathize with your
wife. It’s the only way you’ll be able to stay sane through all this.
Grit Your Teeth & Commit to the Marriage

No matter what happens from here, whether your wife stops the affair and comes back
to the marriage or continues the affair and ends the marriage, it’s going to be hard. It’s
going to hurt. It will push you to your limits and beyond. Grit your teeth, plant your feet
on the ground, and get ready to withstand perhaps the most difficult emotional trial of
your entire life.
As I said at the very beginning of this scenario, you’re allowed to leave. But, if you decide
to stay, then grit your teeth and commit to the marriage. Commit to loving your wife
unconditionally, even when she’s actively pushing you away like she is right now.
It’s hard to commit to your wife right now, so don’t try to commit to her necessarily. She
doesn’t want your commitment right now anyways. Instead, commit to the marriage.
Commit to the relationship. Commit to your family. Commit to your future. Commit to
your duty as her husband; as the captain of your marriage and family. Everything you do
now is for the sake of something more than just your wife’s affection.
Be Patient & Follow the Rules of Separation (see Chapter 16)

If your wife is having an affair, your mindset and the way you treat her should be the
same as if you were already separated.
Why?
Because in her mind, the only reason she’s permitted herself to fall into the extramarital
relationship so heavily is because she sees herself as having moved on from the
marriage.
That means you should follow all of the do’s and don’ts that we talked about in Chapter
16. Refer to the key takeaways for that chapter if you need a refresher.

No matter what, if you’re determined to stay with your wife even though she’s having an
affair, you’re going to need a great deal of patience. She’s not going to change overnight.
It will be months before your marriage is back to normal… Possibly
upwards of a year. Expect for her to hurt you many more times before she loves you
again.
If you choose to be her husband, you’ll have to bear the pain and suffering of her
mistakes. Harder still, you’ll have to do it without holding a grudge if you want your
marriage to actually recover once the affair is over.
Last Resort: Take Away Her Safety Net

Aka. The 180º Approach
Because of Limerance, you wouldn’t be
too far off in comparing an affair to an
addiction.
… And what do we know about addicts?
Addicts don’t quit until the

pain of indulging the addiction
significantly outweighs both
the pleasure of continuing AND the pain of stopping.
The hard truth is that sometimes the only way your wife will change is if you force her
into different, more painful circumstances. In other words, sometimes your wife won’t
quit the affair until you force her to experience the consequences of her actions.
If you’ve done everything in your power to get your wife to stop the affair and come back
to the marriage and she still wants nothing to do with you… If this has gone on for
weeks, months or even years without her showing any desire to change… Then it’s time
to stop being her safety net.
Stop letting her have her cake and eat it too.

At some point, you just have to leave. It’s up to you to decide when that point is,
but nobody can survive an affair forever.
If she won’t stop, eventually you have to force her to make a choice and live with the
consequences of her actions.
Which brings us to the next point…
Leaving is a Way to Take Control

This is a continuation of Statement #6 from the last chapter.
Please note here that I’m NOT saying you should ever give up hope on your marriage.
Even if you leave, you can leave with the hope that she’ll recognize the error of her ways
and decide to give the marriage another chance. Leaving is simply your way of focusing
on what you can control.
You can’t control what your wife does, but you CAN control what you
do.
In a weird way, leaving the marriage also takes control of your wife’s affair.
How?
When you leave your wife, you instantly transform her mysterious, thrilling affair into a
normal, everyday relationship. Suddenly, her infallible ‘other man’ is nothing more than
a boyfriend. She’ll start to notice flaws in the other guy… Probably lots of them. You
leaving actually puts extra pressure on THEIR relationship; it’s much more likely that
the relationship will get boring. She may start to realize that the problem is HER, not
just you and the marriage. She’ll start wondering why she ever started the affair in the
first place.
Plus, affairs very rarely last forever. When you force her to commit to the affair by taking
away her safety net (the marriage), you make it much more likely that she’ll sour on the
extramarital relationship.

If you’re at a point where your only option is to leave, you may have to implement The
No Contact Rule from Chapter 16 in order to make her feel the full effect of her actions.
You can also use Statement #6 from Chapter 17, as we noted earlier, to help you segue
into this decision.
Scenario #2B. The “F- You!” Affair

For a few men reading this, your wife’s affair goes past the point of simple
unfaithfulness. Sometimes, you’ll find that your wife’s affair has made her hateful and
spiteful towards you, the marriage, and perhaps even your kids. For example, this story
from a guy named Brad is a perfect example of the “F- You!” affair:
A few months ago, my wife told me that she needed “space”. I didn't understand.
She said "I'm not in love with you anymore" "I don't respect you" and "I don't
think I should be married." This hit me hard…Being blindsided by the love of
your life saying, "I'm not in love with you and I don't respect you," was
incredibly painful. I didn't sleep or eat for two weeks AT ALL. It got so bad I
began vomiting blood one night.
Finally, I convinced her to go to marriage counseling with me.
The appointment was set two weeks out. During those two weeks, she started
going out more. She works at a bar and she started staying out really late, like
she wouldn’t get home until 3-6am, even though her shift always ends by 10pm.
And on Friday nights, she wouldn't come home until 11am Saturday morning. I
confronted her about it, and she always claimed she had a few too many at a
girlfriend’s house and that it was safer to stay there than drive home.
Obviously, I grew suspicious, so I played detective…
The morning of our appointment with the marriage counselor, I found phone
records with multiple instances of her texting a number I didn’t recognize for
hours straight until 6am and 2-hour long phone calls, both of which started two
days before she initially approached me saying she needed a break. So I called

the number and a guy answered. I didn't say anything but hung up and broke
down. I left work that day, and in the long run I let it affect me and my work so
much, I was forced to leave that company and pursue other work.
I called her out on it that night in counseling. Her response was, "Yeah I'm
talking to someone!" She didn't care, no remorse, and kind of said it like "F-
YOU, deal with it!"
The next few weeks were the worst in my life. I tried to make it work. She
agreed to cut off contact, but that she still needed space. I stupidly thought it
was headed in the right direction. Two weeks later I discovered a "burner"
phone, filled with text messages I wish I’d never read. All she kept saying was "I
needed space but you wouldn't give it to me!"
I finally manned up and said, “We can have space, see counselors, and see
where this goes, but this guy has to be out of the picture forever and I don't want
you working at the bar where you met him anymore.” Unfortunately, she made
her decision, and it wasn't the one I wanted.
So I was left with no choice. I filed for collaborative divorce, which she agreed
to. Three weeks ago we signed our terms and two weeks ago I moved out. We
have court in a month to finalize everything. But the past two months, while I
was still at "her" house, I had to deal with her continuing her "behavior" of not
coming home one night a week, finding her coming home in his articles of
clothing, and me being stuck in her house of emotional torture with our
children, as they asked "Where's mom?"
Wow. We’ll come back to Brad’s story in a moment, because this guy ended up doing
everything right to get his wife back, but for now let’s talk about this type of affair.
What’s happening inside your wife’s head if she’s having an “F- You!”
affair?
If your wife is having an affair and has a completely unrepentant, defiant, angry, even
hateful attitude towards you, then believe it or not, there’s actually good news. The

reason that she’s so mean and spiteful is because a part of her recognizes the absolute
wrongness of what she’s doing.
Let me say that one more time:
If your wife is having an “F- You!” affair, her hateful attitude is because she
recognizes the absolute wrongness of what she’s doing.
How do I know that?
Let’s take a moment to step into her shoes and think about this for a moment:
Your wife is a good person, or at least she was at one point. And at one point she loved
you. The only way that a good woman who loves her husband can fall into and then
maintain an affair is to develop a seared conscience.
What is a Seared Conscience?

A seared conscience is what happens when you give into temptation one time...
Whether you had a bad day, or there was a problem, or you're just in a bad mood,
whatever... And so you mess up one time.
That first time, you feel really guilty, but it still feels good. And because it felt
good, you do it again. And again. And again. And each time you do it, you force
yourself to feel less and less guilty for the thing you’re doing that you know is
wrong, until one day, you truly don’t feel guilty at all. And that’s how you get a
seared conscience.
So, you develop a seared conscience by FORCING yourself to feel less and less bad
for the thing you're doing that you know is wrong (in this case, an affair). But
here’s the problem: that "bad feeling", that gut-wrenching guilt, it has to go
somewhere… So it usually comes out as anger, blame and defiance.
Are you starting to see the connection here?
Your wife’s anger, distance, hatefulness, and her ongoing unwillingness to stop the
affair… These are all part of a defense mechanism she's built up to protect herself from

facing the horribleness of what she’s done. Remember, Limerance creates an almost
addictive craving to be with someone. Her “seared conscience” allows her to justify the
indulgence of a pleasure she thought she needed by blaming you and hating you instead
of admitting that she messed up.
Let me be clear: this DOES NOT excuse anything that she's done. That's not why I'm
telling you this.
But!
I hope that in the future, whether you end up with your wife or not, this knowledge of
what was going on in her heart will make it easier for you to truly forgive her and move
on with your life. If she’s having an “F- You!” affair, then deep down, a part of her
recognizes how terrible what she’s doing is, and a part of her really wants to stop. The
level of her spite and anger towards you during this time is actually a
measure of the love for you that was making her so at-odds with herself.
Let’s go back to Brad’s story and see what happened next:
Since we agreed to terms and awaited the attorney to draw up the papers,
things have been cordial between us. Only because I "visibly ignored" what was
happing while I was around her.
Towards the last two months I could tell when she was going to see him and
when she was lying. Her temper would get really short with me and the kids.
We were more likely to argue a little, and she would have this pissed off look on
her face. It was like she had to make herself angry with everyone at home (her
defense mechanism to avoid human emotion), before she left to go see him.
Since then she has taken blame for everything. She has broken down and
admitted fault, saying she failed me and cannot believe she has hurt her best
friend this much. She said she knows what she is doing is wrong but she cannot
stop and that she doesn't want to hurt me anymore. I now understand why,

especially when she said she knows it’s wrong but can't stop. It will never justify
what she did and sucks that she acknowledged it is a distraction.
Brad also offered some advice for other men in his situation. The two of us have had
many conversations by email ever since he told me his story, and I wanted to share some
of his best quotes and advice for other men who are currently facing an affair:
1. Do your best to find time to hang out with your friends to stay social and keep
your mind busy.
2. When you get depressed, repeat things that you’ve read in this book and
remember that you’re in control of your mind.
3. Read stories of other men who’ve gone through this to reassure yourself that
you’re not alone. There are tons of stories in online forums and on Husband
Help Haven.
4. Remember that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed and to feel depressed over this
crappy situation, but try to use it all as fuel for motivation for change, whether
that change is for you to save your marriage or personal change and growth to
be able to move on (both of which are acceptable conclusions if your wife is
having an affair).
5. Sometimes, moving on is the best thing you can do even though every fiber of
your being tells you to fight for your wife. Do things for yourself. Ultimately,
remember that we can’t put our lives on hold forever for those who have
already walked away from ours.
6. Exercise is the single best thing I’ve found to control my feelings… If I get
pissed or sad, I just do push-ups until my arms feel dead. It helps me push out
the bad emotions, feel better and of course begin to look better too, which
helps with attraction. It helps you develop the ability to “let it go”, and to be
able to act that way around her as well.
You’ll be glad to know that while Brad and his wife did end up moving forward with the
divorce, things have completely turned around between the two of them. They have fun
together again, they’re romantic and they both love spending time together. They’ve

already decided that this divorce is NOT going to be the end of their relationship. They
have tentative plans to start over and date each other, and I personally believe that they
will still end up spending the rest of their lives together in the end!
Thanks Brad! You’re an excellent example of maintaining husbandly leadership in a

time of trial!
Scenario #3. What If She Had an Affair,

But It’s Over Now?
Your wife had an affair, but she’s turned a
new leaf. She ended the relationship with
the other man, and now she wants to make
the marriage work.
It won’t be easy, but this is actually the best

of the three scenarios in this chapter. After
all, your wife wants you back!
Now all that’s left is recovering from the affair, which is much less do-or-die than trying
to get her to end the affair or recover from separation. All it takes is time.
That being said, getting over your wife’s affair won’t be easy…
There are three major challenges you’ll have to overcome if you want to make a marriage
work after an affair.
Obstacle 1. Rebuilding Trust

Your wife has shattered your trust. There’s no point in trying to deny that. In order for
the marriage to work, you’re going to need to rebuild that trust over time.
There are a few ways you can encourage your wife to help you build trust:

 Ask her to be transparent about where she’s going, who she’s talking to and
what she wants. Let her know that you’re going to try not to be paranoid, but at
the same time you’d appreciate her willing openness.
 Have real, open conversations with her about your goals for the
marriage. This reassures both you and her that you’re on the same page in
wanting a lifelong, happy marriage together. When you’re confident that you and
your wife have the same goals, it’s much easier to trust her.
 Court your wife, just like you did when you were dating. Have fun with
her. Go out to a concert together, or go see a movie. Hang out with mutual
friends. Enjoy each other’s company as you reestablish your leadership.
 Be confident in yourself. You’re a man and a leader, and you are in control of
your own trust. You can choose to trust your wife, and over time if you make
that choice enough times, it will become genuine.
 Ask her to distance herself from the other guy. You are completely
justified in expecting her to have NO CONTACT with the other man. If they work
in the same office, she needs to move to a different branch if at all possible. If he’s
a mutual friend or someone you know from church, find new friends or find a
new church.
 If the other man attempts to restart the affair, she must tell you IMMEDIATELY,
and she must be 100% transparent about what he said.
I actually have an article on Husband Help Haven that is written specifically for an
unfaithful wife who is trying to end an emotional affair. It walks through six steps that
she needs to take in order to end her affair. It’s written with an emotional affair in mind,
but the same rules apply to physical affairs too.
Obstacle 2. Letting Go of Hatred

Just a few days ago, I got an email from a guy. Let’s call him Andrew.
Andrew is in a really tough situation. A couple months ago, he caught his wife cheating
with another man… As in, he literally caught them in the act of having sex.
Yeah, that’s rough.

But, the good news is that after he caught them, his wife put an end to the affair and now
wants to make the marriage work. Andrew does too, but understandably, he’s having a
really hard time forgiving his wife, and an even harder time letting go of the hatred he
feels for the other man. When he emailed me, he wanted to expose the other man (he’s
married too) and make him suffer for what he did to his wife.
So, that’s the setup. Here’s the email I sent back to Andrew:
Hey Andrew,
My advice is really simple:
Let it go.
Now that your wife is back with you... In your own words, she WANTS you
back... Every ounce of energy you spend thinking about this low-life scum of a
man is a waste. Every ounce of energy you spend deciding how to get back at
him is a waste.
You have one simple goal right now – enjoy your marriage. Enjoy your wife.
Forget the past. Forgive her. Focus on now.
It's like you said, leave that guy to his sham of a marriage. Yes, it looks like he's
getting off scot-free now, but I guarantee you that what you see on the outside is
a fake shell. And at the end of his days, if he continues in his ways, he'll look
back and say "My life was a waste; I never truly loved anyone, and I only ever
hurt those who truly loved me."
YOU, on the other hand, have the better end of the stick. You have a marriage
with a woman who genuinely loves you and wants/needs your forgiveness...
Something you can't give her until you let go of your hatred for this other man.
The best way to exact your revenge on this other man is NOT to tell his wife...
It's to enjoy YOUR wife and your marriage and love her more than you thought
possible.

Look, I've been cheated on before (in a past relationship), so I know how
enraging it is. I know how it can consume you and haunt you. Especially when
the other guy is a sleazy ass hole and all you want to do is give him a taste of his
own medicine.
But recognize this – you are in total control of yourself. What you do, say and
think is your choice.
All of that anger and hatred you feel right now is actually coming from your
own wounded pride. And that's okay! But you've got to be a rock. The best
leaders know when to swallow their pride for the greater good of the ones they
serve, in this case your wife.
Yes, your wife wronged you.
Yes, this other man deserves exposure.
But if your TOP PRIORITY is to live out a happy and lifelong marriage with
your wife, then you've got to let it go. The future is in front of you, waiting
to be enjoyed. The past is behind you; don't let it control you.
Hope that helps.
Much manly love,

- Jacob
Andrew, if you’re reading this (you know who you are), thanks for opening up to me and
helping me put all of this into words.
For everyone else, this email is the best advice I can possibly give to help you let go of
the hatred you feel for the other man. Let it go; look to the future. Enjoy your wife and
your marriage to the fullest.
Obstacle 3. Genuine Forgiveness

Once you’ve rebuilt some level of trust with your wife, it’s time to start working on
forgiveness.

Most people believe that forgiveness
is something that you have to wait
for, not work for. They believe that all
you have to do to forgive someone is wait
until you stop caring about what they’ve
done or how they hurt you.
That’s not quite right, at least not in

marriage. Forgiveness takes conscious
effort.
Earlier in the book, you learned that

forgiveness isn’t free, at least not in the way we commonly think. Forgiveness must be
free to the forgiven, but it comes at the cost of the forgiver.
Because forgiveness comes at a cost, you must consciously pay that cost for your wife. If
you want to rebuild a happy, lifelong marriage with your wife after she’s strayed, the
only way forward is to make a conscious decision to forgive your wife for all the
pain that she’s caused you.
Consciously give your wife a clean slate. Forgiveness isn’t something that happens
overnight. But, just like your wife needs to be open and transparent with you, you need
to make a conscious decision to give her a clean slate.
 No drudging up the past

 No guilt-trips
 No “you owe me”
 No prying
 No thinking about the images
At the very beginning of this chapter, we said that you are free to leave the marriage if
your wife has cheated, and that’s still true. If your wife has had an affair, that is
justification for you to leave.
But!

If you decide to stay, stay. Don’t waffle back and forth. Don’t dwell on her mistakes.
Don’t “threaten” to leave or expect her to make up for her mistakes.
Simply forgive.
Make the decision to forgive your wife and move on with your life.
Swallow the pain she’s caused you. Bear the burden of her infidelity. Then, once you’ve
held all that pain in your hands, drop it on the ground and never look back. That’s
forgiveness.
Kurt’s Advice on Affair Recovery

The last thing I have for you is actually a piece of advice from another Haven veteran
named Kurt who, over the course of a year, managed to forgive his wife's affair, take on
the role of leadership despite his wife's total aversion to it, and really and truly create
the marriage that all men like us want.
I was so impressed with his story that I asked him to share his single biggest tip for men
going through an affair because this is a guy that really gets leadership and women in
general, particularly women who've strayed. So, here's what he had to say:
Jacob, I do want to give you one thing concerning affairs, divorce and
separation that I think is encouraging. In my studies of all of this, one thing
became apparent…
Men will have an affair/divorce/separate for any number of reasons; horny,

bored, porn, midlife, neglected, ego and all of that.
Women typically only follow this course for one reason: neglect. They also find
it very difficult to love more than one man, so you have to earn her affections
back from someone else.
As men, we are fortunate that if we can use your philosophy, our wives will
never feel neglected and therefore never stray. Or, if we have cocked it up
already, we can use your tactics to change the trajectory of our marriage and
win her heart back completely. This is not true for women whose husbands

stray. The unfaithful husband will most likely love the other woman all of his
life.
All that to say, men should never worry about whether or not she is on-board.
We can change our marriages with or without her initial buy-in, and once she
comes back, she'll be back for good as long as you don't let that neglect creep in
again.
Even though forgiveness takes time, even though it comes at a cost, your wife needs a
clean slate right now. She can’t fully come back to the marriage until you set her free
from guilt. She will only be free inside the marriage once you free her from the chains of
her mistakes, which you can only do if you forgive her.
Scenario #4. You Had an Affair

Initially, I did not include this scenario in the book for a few reasons…
 For one, there honestly aren’t that many men in this situation.
 For two, part of me felt like if you had an affair, well, then you made your bed,
and now it’s time to sleep and it.
 For three, while I have been cheated on in the past, and so in some small way I
can empathize with those situations, I’ve never been the cheater, so it’s harder for
me to put myself in this scenario and think through the proper response.
That said, I have broken my wife’s trust before (through looking at porn), so I can sort of
empathize.
The reasons I changed my mind and DID decide to add this section into the book is
because since publishing Manly Marriage Revival, I’ve gotten several emails from guys
who sincerely do want their marriage back, even though they strayed in the past. My job
isn’t to judge; it’s merely to help.
Maybe you had an affair in the past, and you stopped it a long time ago, but your wife
just now found out about it.

Maybe you had an affair, and you were stupid back then, but you’ve grown up and seen
your mistakes and realized that a loving marriage is the superior pleasure.
Maybe you had an affair, and now your wife is having an affair to get you back, and now
you just want everything back to normal.
In the end, it doesn’t really matter why or when you had the affair… All that matters is
that it happened, and now you want to fix the problems it’s caused.
What do you do if you had an affair and now you want your wife back?
Recognize that You Don’t Deserve Your Wife

The first step in getting your wife back is actually to realize this simple truth – if you
have cheated on your wife, then you don’t deserve to be her husband.
I don’t care what she’s done since then. I don’t care what she did before that to drive you
to the affair. Just as I told the other guys whose wives cheated on them in the sections
above, cheating is NEVER the answer. Infidelity is NEVER justified.
So, the first step in getting your wife back is to actually to recognize that she is perfectly
justified in leaving.
I’m not trying to make you feel bad, or to make you regret anything more than you
already do… I’m simply telling you how it is. You don’t deserve your wife; she is justified
in wanting to leave. Her trust in you is shattered. That simple truth needs to form
the foundation of everything you do from here.
What Needs to Happen: Consistently Regain Her Trust

Now that you’ve broken her trust, it makes sense that your goal should be to get it back.
In fact, this might be a bit too obvious to be useful. But, there’s a keyword in that
statement that is extremely important for you to remember:
Consistently.
You need to CONSISTENTLY regain your wife’s trust.
And what is the single most important factor in demonstrating consistency?

Time.
So, whatever happens, in order to regain your wife’s trust, it will take time. It will take
consistent trustworthiness demonstrated over an extended period of time in order for
your wife to trust you again.
Your Goal: Desire Her Happiness Above Your Own

In order for your wife to trust you again, she needs to believe in her heart that you
prioritize her happiness above your own.
When you strayed from the marriage, you told your wife that you prioritize your own
happiness above hers. By cheating, you effectively told her, “I care more about my
pleasure than your happiness or trust.”
In order for your marriage to move forward, you need to convince her that you’ve made
a complete 180º – you need to show her that you now prioritize HER happiness and
HER pleasure above your own. In fact, you need to prioritize her happiness so
much that you’d honestly rather have her move on and find happiness with
someone else than spend the rest of her life miserable with you.
Yeah, it’s difficult to think that way. It’s sacrificial. It’s almost depressing.
I’m not saying you need to give up hope or stop trying to get her back; I’m just saying
that if you TRULY want your wife to be happy more than you want yourself to be happy,
then you will naturally have that mindset. You will naturally be willing to sacrifice your
own happiness and even your marriage if it leads to greater happiness for her.
This means that the reason that you continue to pursue the marriage
at all is because you believe that she can be happier with you, if she’ll
forgive you, than with someone else.
And again, you need to demonstrate this mindset consistently over time for her to
believe it’s true.
How long does it take?

It’ll be different for everyone, but a long time.
How do you convince your wife that you prioritize her happiness?
Words Are Pointless; You Have to Actively Make Her Life Better
The hard part of all of this is that telling your wife that you value her happiness above
your own will be completely meaningless right now. Saying those things won’t be what
your wife needs from you right now. At least, not all she needs from you.
Actions and deeds are what will show her your priorities, because at this point
she’s going to have a hard time trusting your words. It's one thing to say that you want
your wife to be happy; it’s another to actually go out of your way and inconvenience
yourself to make her happy.
If you’re here reading this, since you’ve made it this far, I know that you really want your
wife to be happy from the bottom of your heart in a genuine and sacrificial way. You
really do treasure her happiness above your own, and that's awesome! That's what you
need to do as her husband.
Now all you need to do is transfer that desire from your words into your actions; to
actually go out of your way to make her happiness a reality.
How do you make her life better?
You can do small deeds or acts of kindness, or, even though they’re not enough on their
own, you can still use words of encouragement to communicate how much you value
and love your wife. It can come in the form of trying to reignite a genuine friendship
with your wife.
Basically, do whatever you can do to show your wife that:
A. You care about her more than yourself, and…

B. You are committed to a future with her because you believe you can make her
happy.

Be Hopeful!
Finally, this last step is a bit counter-intuitive…
After all, didn’t I just get done saying that you should be able to wish happiness for your
wife, EVEN IF that means she finds happiness with another man?
Yes, and that’s still true, but that doesn’t mean you have to lie down and let her leave the
marriage. Let yourself want that future with her!
Of course, don't let that hope you feel cause you to make incorrect decisions; don't jump
the gun or become impatient, and certainly don't pressure her out of any selfish desire
for your own happiness. But, if you can find ways to communicate to your wife that you
really do love her and want to be with her forever, that’s a good thing.
You can probably see here that this is a very tricky, very foggy area of marriage. And
you’re right in thinking that. So, as you move forward, don't beat yourself up if you ever
feel like you're going crazy.
You are between a rock and a hard place right now, and it's made all the more
frustrating knowing that you put yourself there.
You must stay strong.
None of this changes your obligation as her husband to love her unconditionally for as
long as you remain married, and none of this changes your obligation as a father to seek
the welfare and happiness of your children (if applicable).
You will continue to struggle; there's no way around that.
Even if your wife ends up coming back to you, it will take time and there will
be many more trials, many more ups and downs, to come.
Prepare yourself.
Grit your teeth.
Plant your feet on the ground.

You are a man and this period of tribulation, this trial by fire, is your long overdue rite of
passage into manhood. Boys are selfish. It was the boy in you that had the affair. The
boy in you will die through this time, but the man in you will begin to flourish, even
though it will be a painful transition.
And that brings us to our last point that applies to everyone who is in one of the
scenarios laid out in this chapter…
Infidelity is Really, Really Hard

No matter what scenario
you’re in...
Whether you suspect an affair,

your wife is currently having
an affair, or you’re trying to
recover from one…
Affairs are extremely difficult.
Even though the third

scenario (recovering from an affair that is over) is the most optimistic of the three, it’s
still extremely challenging to get through.
Just like with separation, there is no magic answer to infidelity. I can’t tell you some
secret tactic or phrase that will instantly get your wife to come clean, or stop her affair,
or make it easy to forgive. It all takes time, patience, focus and consistent leadership.
So, whatever stage of infidelity you’re dealing with, be patient. Focus on what you can
control. Keep moving forward, one day at a time. You’ll get through it eventually.

The reason affairs become so hard to stop is because of Limerance.
Scenario #1. What to do if you suspect an affair
 Stop trying to catch her.

 Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
 Your mindset is that of a patient father, waiting for his daughter to confess to a
misdeed he already knows she committed.
 Remember that opposite gender friendships don't work (and shouldn't be a
priority) when you're married.
Scenario #2. What to do if your wife is having an affair and won't stop
 Recognize that you're allowed to leave.

 Acknowledge that her chief motivation is a desire for happiness; it's not about
the other man.
 If you stay, grit your teeth and commit to your marriage and family.
 Be patient and follow the rules of separation we talked about in Chapter 16
 As a last resort, take away her safety net.
Scenario 3. How to recover after your wife had an affair
 It won't be easy and will take time.

 Rebuild trust through transparency, good conversations, courtship, and self-
confidence, and distance from the other man.
 Let go of the hatred you feel for the other man. Focus only on enjoying your
wife and marriage to the fullest, and becoming the best husband you can be.
 Make a conscious decision to forgive your wife and give her a clean slate.
Focus on the future; don't let the past control you.
Further reading: Emotional Affair Recover 101

Chapter 19. Patience, Recovery & Future
Expectations
This chapter is all about the future. How long will it take to turn
your marriage around? What do you do if you’re facing divorce
right now? How do you know when your marriage is truly saved?
Now that we’re almost finished with the book, it’s time to start looking into the future…
What do you need to know to put everything you’ve learned into practice? This chapter
addresses some of the most common questions and problems that men have run into as
they actually implement the lessons and strategies taught inside Manly Marriage
Revival.
This chapter doesn’t really need too much introduction, so let’s just go ahead and jump
right in…
First Things First – How Long Will It Take?

The single most common piece of advice I’ve had to give men Inside the Haven is only
two words long:
Be patient.
I know that patience is much easier said than done. Whether you’re facing separation,
infidelity, or even divorce, being patient is a very difficult task. Inevitably, when I tell a
guy to be patient, the natural follow-up question is, “How long does this take?”
On Average, It Takes At Least 6 Months to Turn Things Around

Obviously, every marriage is different. Every relationship is different. Every wife is
different.
That being said, I’ve seen a common trend emerge among the ‘success stories’ I’ve
received from men Inside the Haven:

6 months.
On average, it takes 6 months to get your marriage back onto solid ground from the
moment you start working on husbandly leadership to the moment that your wife is no
longer actively wanting to leave.
Hopefully it doesn’t need to be said that this is a massively over-simplified estimate.

Sometimes it’ll take longer; sometimes it’ll take less time.
One of the most inspiring success stories I’ve ever received was from a guy named Kurt
(who I mentioned earlier). From the moment Kurt took responsibility for his marriage,
forgave his wife for her affair (which she was still having), and actively took on the role
of husbandly leader, it took over a year to turn things around. But, today his wife is
more in love with him than ever. She loves him as her leader, even though she’s an A-
type woman who originally NEVER would’ve admitted to wanting a leader for a
husband.
On the other hand, the shortest timespan for a success story that I’ve ever received was
from a guy who turned his marriage around in just 8 weeks or so. And again, that’s from
the time he started working on husbandly leadership to the time that his wife had
stopped wanting “space” and was involved in the marriage again.
The takeaway here is:
Plan on it taking at least 6 months from now for you to turn your
marriage around. It could take longer, it could be shorter, but plan on
at least 6 months.
No matter how long it takes, it will be worth it!

But Jacob, My Wife Wants Divorce NOW!
If your wife is already talking about divorce, then six months sounds like a very long
time. You’re probably thinking, “It would be a miracle if I’m even still married in six
months! Much less back on solid ground with my wife.”
If this is where you’re at right now, then remember this:
Rebuilding attraction and reversing a desire for divorce is a slow

process with many ups and downs. It takes time, patience and
consistency.
This means that if divorce is truly imminent in your marriage, your goal is NOT to
completely save your marriage or change her mind right this instant.
Instead, your goal is to make immediate changes in your own behavior and mindset to
start living up to your potential as a leader.
There's no way you can convince your wife to stay in the marriage with words, but if you
start working on yourself and becoming a better husband for your wife, then the changes
you're making will likely intrigue her. Your goal is to catch her attention JUST
ENOUGH to slow down the divorce and make her not 100% dead-set on ending the
marriage. Then, over time, you can consistently start to rebuild your relationship
through attraction, affection, leadership, forgiveness, etc.
Ultimately, this is all about focusing on what you can control, which is what we’ve been
saying for several chapters now.
Is there any way at all for you to convince your wife to change her mind about the
divorce? Is there anything at all you can say to get her to give the marriage another
chance?
Honestly, probably not.

But, what you can do is SHOW her that you haven’t given up on the marriage. Instead of
worrying about getting your wife back, worry about getting yourSELF back. Then, trust
that once you get control of yourself and begin progressing as a leader, she’ll notice it
and like it.
Remember, even if she wants to move forward with the divorce right now, divorce is a
slow process. A fast divorce would still take at least a couple months. Most divorces take
6 or 9 months to complete. My own parents’ divorce was very amicable, they both had
good, understanding attorneys, and they pretty much both agreed on everything… But it
STILL took nearly a year to finalize.
So, even if she’s ready to start the paperwork, you’ve still got some time. In fact, I’ve
even had one guy Inside the Haven who got divorced, but then a few months later ended
up finally getting his wife back and they got remarried. And then there’s Brad’s story
earlier who started dating his wife again even after they got divorced. This is why I truly
believe it’s NEVER too late to save a marriage.
Just remember, focus on yourself, and actions speak louder than words.
The Power & Pain of Patience

Knowing that you should be patient and actually being patient are two very different
things, as I’m sure you will learn very soon.
Patience is another one of those things that sounds really simple on the surface – after
all, it’s just being able to wait, right? – but the more you actually try to do it, the more
you realize how deep patience really goes.
Patience will be painful.
Waiting is painful. It takes a lot of effort.
There will be many times where you feel like you should be doing something more to fix
your marriage, but you won’t be able to. And that’s not even the hardest part of being
patient.

The hardest part of patience comes when you think you’re starting to see
progress. Your wife might say something nice about you. Or maybe she will have an
affectionate moment with you. I cannot tell you how many distressed emails I’ve gotten
from men who’ve had a positive interaction with their wife, but then a week or a day or
even an hour later, she goes right back to being cold and distant.
I’m going to tell you this right now, even though I know that you will have to experience
it for yourself for it to really sink in:
There will be ups and downs as you move forward in your marriage.
There will be days where your wife seems optimistic about your relationship. There’ll be
days where she wants to spend time with you, or where she seems regretful about her
decision to separate, or where she seems guilty about her affair. And you will get your
hopes up.
And then, not long after that, she will go right back to how she was. Cold, distant,
perhaps even hateful.
When this happens, don’t lose hope! Don’t give up. Just remember to keep focusing
on what you can control, and keep being patient.
Celebrate the small victories, yes, but at the same time don’t invest yourself in them.
1. Be Patient With Your Own Mistakes

I have never heard a success story in which a man didn’t make at least a couple mistakes
somewhere along the road.
Part of being patient is also being able to be patient with yourself.

Remember, the goal of husbandly leadership is NOT to become a perfect husband.
Remember all the way back to the Marriage Scale you created for yourself back in
Chapter 7? Your goal wasn’t to score a perfect 10/10 every day on your Marriage Scale.
Your goal is only to get closer to 10 than to 0.

This speaks to an important concept about marriage in general. A healthy marriage is
not perfect. A good husband isn’t perfect. But! A good husband STRIVES for perfection,
even though he’ll never reach it.
In other words, husbandly leadership is all about trajectory. It’s about creating an
overall direction towards being a perfect husband and putting in the effort to become
that husband, even though you’ll never reach it.
I’m not a perfect husband. I make mistakes. I do stupid stuff. Sometimes my wife gets
mad at me.
But!
My wife knows that I care about her, and I care about being a good husband. My
trajectory is going in the right direction, and so our marriage thrives.
So, don’t freak out when you make a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. Instead,
recognize that what’s done is done, and now your goal is to learn from it and move
forward. It’s okay to make mistakes, just as long as you are moving in the overall
direction of husbandly leadership.
2. Anticipate Depression & Hopelessness

No matter how optimistic you feel right now, I guarantee you there will be days where
you feel like giving up. There’ll be days where you wonder whether or not you’re making
a difference in your marriage. There will be days where you question whether or not this
whole leadership thing even works, or whether it’s worth all the effort.
It is okay to have days like this. In fact, it’s expected. This is another part of being
patient.
Remember when I said there will be ups and downs on your journey towards a happy
marriage?
Well, those “downs” don’t just come from your wife… Many times, they come from you
and your own attitude.
That’s okay!

It’s okay to get depressed and it’s okay to have bad days. It’s okay to have days where
you just can’t get yourself to feel confident. Just get through it, take it one step at a time,
and focus on what you can control.
In the end, you are going to be happy no matter what, because you are a man and a
leader, and you know what is yours to control.
3. Be Patient With Your Wife’s Inaction

Finally, perhaps most obviously, you need to be patient with your wife.
I’ve had many men email me in a similar situation. They’ve gotten through the worst
part of their marriage… She is no longer actively pushing you away, she’s not actively
engaged in the affair, and she’s not constantly talking about separation… But at the
same time she is making literally ZERO effort to repair the marriage.
If your wife is not making any effort to save the marriage, keep being patient. Keep
being the sole driving force behind your marriage. It will pay off eventually. We’ll talk a
bit more about why her progress can come so slowly later in this chapter.
Coping With Jealousy

Jealousy is insidious… Many times it will show its face in sneaky ways. You may be
dealing with jealousy and not even know it until you reflect on your emotions and get to
the root of them.
Remember Brad’s story from the affair chapter?
Well, this exact scenario presented itself in his marriage. Here’s how jealousy caught
him by surprise:
My wife came home last night after not responding to my text for 2 hours. I did
not handle it well. I got angry and wanted to see her cell phone, but she had no
clue why… She had simply forgotten to respond because she couldn’t answer the

text immediately when she saw it. She had planned to text me back a few
minutes after seeing the text, but just forgot about it.
Funny thing is that I realized this was an emotion I didn’t think I was dealing
with because I could not imagine it hitting me in that way… I was dealing
with jealousy!
I thought jealousy was something that wouldn’t apply to me because I am past

the affair and rarely even think about. I have completely forgiven my wife, and
I am not jealous of the other man. But, I had become jealous of time and
attention. I had become jealous of her constantly texting other people while we
are together and not responding to my texts in the same way.
I was floored by my own realization.
After realizing what was happening, we were able to talk and she has finally
started really communicating. I could actually see the worry starting to leave
her body. The past week has gone very well and I can see her caring more and
more each day. For the first time her commitment is coming through in a way I
can see, giving me real hope for the first time rather than me having to force
optimism.
I cannot remember if you mention this anywhere inside MMR or not (it’s
possible I just glanced over it), but I think it’s very important to understand that
jealousy is not just of another person. Being jealous of attention was
tearing me down until I could finally see what was happening. I had never even
considered that being jealous could form such a destructive road block, and I’m
glad I realized what it was.
So, what do you do if you find yourself struggling with jealousy?
We’ll talk a bit more about this in Appendix B when we discuss what to do if your wife is
constantly texting or messaging another man, but for now, here are a few tips to help
you cope with jealousy:

1. Recognize jealousy for what it is, which is a natural emotion.
As a husband, it’s GOOD to be jealous of your wife. Think about it… If you didn’t
want to be the center of your wife’s love and attention, something would be
wrong. So, the fact that you feel jealous is a good thing, but you CANNOT let it
control your behavior. Until your wife is at a point where she actually cares about
making your life better, you must keep control of your jealousy. Which brings us
to our next point…
2. Focus on what you can control.
Can you control what your wife does with her time? No. Can you control who she
talks to or how she talks to them? No.
Can you control how you respond to her actions? Yes. Can you control how you
let your jealousy show itself to your wife? Yes. So focus on the things you CAN
control and do your best to ignore the things you can’t.
3. Let it out… But only if your wife has already started making progress back to the
marriage.
In Brad’s case above, his wife had already stopped her affair. She was on her way
back to the marriage. Brad did exactly what he should have done – he didn’t let
jealousy fester under the surface; he told her about it and fixed the problem head-
on. If your wife is still actively involved in an affair, or she otherwise isn’t ready to
care about your jealousy, then find other ways to express your jealousy.
Here are a couple suggestions:
a. Get a punching bag. Or go to your gym. Just let out all your jealousy
onto that punching bag. Exercise is probably the best way to get negative
emotions under control.

b. Write it down. As I mentioned earlier in the book, when my wife and I
were dating, there were times when I got jealous of her time. My way of
coping was to write her a letter just to get everything out of my system.
Afterwards, I had a clear head and was able to get rid of that gut-
wrenching heat that characterizes the jealousy emotion.
Jealousy is very hard emotion to deal with, especially when you’re powerless to stop
your wife from doing the thing that makes you jealous. But, how hard it is doesn’t
matter; all that matters is that you DO deal with it and keep it under control.
Trust Your Gut & Breaking the Rules

Over the past few chapters, you’ve learned a number of different rules and
recommendations for dealing with the different problems you’re facing in your
marriage…
As of right now, I am officially giving you permission to break all of them.
Manly Marriage Revival is not meant to be a rulebook. Instead, the whole purpose of
this book is to give you a framework for husbandly leadership.
My deepest desire for every man reading this is not that you would follow every single
guideline in this book. Husbandly leadership is not defined by a set of rules. Instead,
husbandly leadership is defined by the state of your heart.
My deepest desire for you in reading this book is that you will learn what husbandly
leadership looks like, then adapt it to your marriage in your own unique way. In other
words, as you learn what you can and can’t control, I want you to learn to be
independent and trust your gut!
Remember what we talked about all the way back in Chapter 2? The reason that
husbandly leadership is REQUIRED for a marriage to work is because leadership is how
your wife knows you love her. The whole purpose of leadership is to love your wife!

So, when is it okay to break the rules outlined in MMR?
Deciding When to Break the Rules

How do you know when it’s okay to break one of the rules outlined in this book? For
example, when is it okay to DO one of the Don’ts that we covered in Chapter 16?
When making any decision, there are 3 criteria to keep in mind. If you can check off
each of these three criteria, then you should be good to go on whatever it is you want to
do:
1. No Ulterior Motives
We talked a bit about this back in Chapter 16 when I gave you the example of
Nathan wanting to text his wife, “Have a good day,” every day before work.
Basically, whatever you do, make sure you do it out of a genuine desire to make
your wife’s life better; NOT out of a desire to control her or convince her of your
worth.
2. No Impulsive Decisions
Remember how we said there will be ups and downs during this part of your
marriage? Especially when you find yourself in one of those “down” periods, you
need to be very careful to avoid impulse decisions.
Decisions that you make when you’re feeling depressed, frustrated or impatient
cannot be trusted. As a general rule of thumb, if you want to institute a new habit,
behavior or strategy in your marriage, give it at least 24 hours before you take
action on it.
Now, sometimes you’ll have an impulse to do something that you really believe is
the right call, but the circumstances won’t allow you to take 24 hours to evaluate
it. In those moments, you have to trust your gut.

3. Is It Worth It? (ie. Risk vs. Reward)
Finally, before you do whatever it is you want to do (such as texting something to
your wife, or asking her a potentially sensitive question), ask yourself, “Is this
worth it?”
In other words, evaluate the pros and cons…
A. What will you gain by doing this thing that you want to do? In what way
will it help your marriage, your family or your wife?
B. What could go wrong if you do this thing that you want to do? What are
the potential negative reactions you may get from your wife?
Again, I’m not saying that you can’t ever take a risk in your marriage. You can. In
fact, sometimes taking a big risk is worth it, provided that the potential reward is
even bigger.
But! Even if you’re taking a big risk in doing something, you need to make sure
you know those risks ahead of time so that you can deal with them if they end up
happening.
To recap here, every marriage is different. Your wife needs different things than
someone else’s wife. Your separation will be repaired in a different way at a different
pace than someone else’s.
As you move forward, allow yourself to trust your gut. Trust yourself. Trust your ability
to evaluate the problems and obstacles you’ll face in your marriage and to make the
right decision to overcome them. Identify your own unique strengths and weaknesses,
and learn to use your strengths while controlling your weaknesses.
Use the framework of husbandly leadership, but don’t be a slave to the individual rules.
Good Signs for Your Marriage

We talked a lot about measuring progress back in Chapter 7, so here we’re going to talk a
bit more about specific things you can look for as you make changes to yourself and your

marriage. These are things that, if you see them, signal that your marriage is improving
and that progress is being made.
Measuring progress is actually very difficult in a broken marriage. The reason is pretty
simple…
Your Wife Needs to Make MASSIVE Internal Changes

(that you won’t see)
Right now, if your wife wants a separation or if she’s having an affair, then there are
MASSIVE internal changes that need to happen before she will be ready to come back to
the marriage. Massive. She has a very long way to go until she’ll be ready to see herself
with you or feel attracted to you.
So, this means that if you see ANY external changes at all – no matter how small or how
short-lived – then you are making progress! Which brings us to the next point…
Celebrate the Little Moments

I know we just got done talking about how important it is to be patient, but that doesn’t
mean you can’t celebrate these small little victories… The purpose of being patient is so
that you’re not disappointed when these little victories don’t turn out to be big ones. But
again, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t celebrate them.
For example, if your wife has a brief moment of affection, that’s awesome!
If she has a brief moment where she tells you she’s noticed the changes you’re making,
that’s awesome!
Hold onto those little moments and value them, and recognize them as a good sign for
your marriage.
But, at the same time, when you see these small signs that your wife is making progress,
don’t push too hard. Remember that any external change that you notice is actually an
indication of MASSIVE internal changes. For you to see anything at all on the outside
means that very big things have already happened on the inside.

Instead, if you get one of these small victories, just keep doing what you’re doing; don’t
ramp up the pressure or suddenly change your expectations. Just keep doing your thing
– whatever you were doing before she had her good moment – and trust that over time
you’ll get more and more of those moments.
“Best Friends” is a Good Thing

If your wife ever says something along the lines of, “You’re my best friend, but I’m just
not in love with you,” or, “I love the person you are, but the romance isn’t there,” or even
something like, “You’re a good husband and a good father, but I just don’t ‘feel it’...”
These are all good things for you.
I’ve had a number of men send me distressed emails because their wife is ‘only’ friends
with them, when really, this is a good sign!
Why?
Because being friends with your wife means that she is willing to spend time with you.
And if she’s willing to spend time with you, then you have more opportunities to
demonstrate your leadership and rebuild attraction. And getting more opportunities to
rebuild attraction makes it a lot more likely that you actually WILL rebuild attraction!
So, if your wife tells you that you’re her best friend, but that she’s not ‘in love’ with you,
don’t be sad. Take that as a good thing!
Trust me; there are lots of men reading this who would give anything to have a
friendship with their wife. Friendship is a sign of progress. It can serve as a gateway to
bigger and better things. And, friendship is a vital part for a happy marriage anyways, so
keeping that friendship alive and thriving is a good thing.
Projects Around the House are a VERY Good Sign

Perhaps the best sign of all that your marriage is turning around – and one that is
surprisingly common in many of the success stories I’ve heard – is when your wife wants
to start a new project around the house.

Whether it’s picking out a new bed frame, putting up new curtains, painting a room,
planting a garden, or even just reorganizing the living room, these projects are a great
opportunity for you to get involved with your wife and show her your leadership.
Here’s a perfect example of this from Kurt’s story – the guy I told you about earlier
whose wife took a full year to come back. This moment is when he knew that he had his
wife back:
Then it happened…
She wanted a new bed and some new items for the house. I engaged deliberately
in every aspect of this situation. I worked with her on what size, style, color, etc.
bed we should buy. Should we get an air type mattress or a memory foam? As in
all of my other interactions, I engaged with her on every piece, including where
to buy and how much to budget.
The night we received the bedframe, I was putting it together when she decided
to join me by handing me fasteners and the screw gun or wrenches, depending
on what I needed. As I was finishing up, down on all fours, wrenching one of the
last nuts, she climbed on my back like my kids used to do, wrapped her arms
around my neck and asked me how much longer until I was finished… Whatever
you are imagining, it was better than that!
Yeah, I was very excited for Kurt when I read this email. But his story isn’t the only one
that includes a house project…
Here’s another example of this same milestone being reached in another rebuilt
marriage. This is from another guy who read MMR – his wife had an affair, and a house
project was when he knew that she was finally ready to come back:
The fact of the matter is she has been so consumed by guilt she said she felt like
she did not have the right to speak. After reading your section on
communication, I resolved to help her communicate and start to face what was
in front of her. The caveat to this is I had to wait until I felt she was ready.

She has been in a good mood at home for over a month and has actually been
sleeping well for the first time in months, if not years. Her actions show that she
wants to be there in many ways. We finally painted walls at home, hung
curtains and put up family pictures all over the house.
She initiated it in the beginning by showing me curtains she liked. I took the lead
after that and continued with projects I knew she wanted. If she really wanted
out, she would not invest in plans like this. That is how I knew she was ready to
move forward.
And this story really hits the nail on the head…
If your wife wanted out, she wouldn’t care about projects around the house. If she’s
willing to invest her time in a project around the house, this means that she sees herself
being at home in the future.
Another important element in both of these men’s stories is that once their wife
demonstrated a desire to start a project, they took the lead and actively engaged with her
to get the project finished.
This second story also brings us to another important point to remember as you move
forward in your marriage…
Help Your Wife Rebuild the Marriage

That last example above illustrated an important point about what your wife is going
through right now. The fact is, you’re here reading this book and learning what a healthy
marriage looks like. You’re learning about communication, forgiveness, love, affection…
And that’s just from this one book.
You’ve probably spent WEEKS, if not longer, learning about marriage and what it takes
to make a marriage both fulfilling and enjoyable.
Chances are, your wife hasn’t done any of that.

She doesn’t have anyone teaching her about marriage. She doesn’t have anyone showing
her what good communication looks like, or what forgiveness looks like, or what
unconditional love is supposed to do.
What’s this mean for you? It means it’s up to you to eventually teach her all the things
that you’ve learned.
This isn’t something that you will do right now. Your wife probably doesn’t have any
interest in learning about these things right now. It may still be months before she’s
ready to learn all the things that you have the share. This is another reason why it’s so
important to be able to trust your gut and ‘read’ your marriage.
In the meantime, lead by example. Even if she isn’t ready to learn what a healthy and
happy marriage looks like, you can SHOW her what it should feel like with your own
example.
 SHOW her what good communication looks like.

 SHOW her what genuine affection feels like.
 SHOW her what unconditional love can endure.
In other words, be the change you want to see in your wife and marriage. Do unto others
as you’d have them do to you – that applies to your wife too!
The One Rule to Rule Them All

Actually, there are three. These three rules should become your mantra moving forward.
If you could catalogue all the emails that I send, these three sentences would be the
three most common things I say to men facing separation, infidelity or divorce.
These are the three rules to rule them all:
1. Focus on what you can control.

2. Be patient.
3. Trust your gut.

 Plan on it taking at least 6 months to get your wife back in the marriage.
 Facing imminent divorce? Your goal isn’t to save your marriage; it’s to focus
on yourself and mastering husbandly leadership enough to pique her interest.
 Be patient with your wife. Even once she stops pushing away, it will take time
for her to re-engage in the marriage. You’re carrying this relationship for now.
 Be patient with yourself. The ups and downs won’t just come from your wife;
they’ll come from your own emotions and mistakes too.
 You don’t have to be perfect… Husbandly leadership is about overall
trajectory, not perfection. Your wife doesn’t want a perfect husband; she wants
a husband who tries.
 Trust your gut. It’s okay to break the rules because husbandly leadership is a
framework, not a rulebook. That being said, the decisions you make in your
marriage should pass these three questions:
o Do I have an ulterior motive?
o Am I making a poor impulsive decision?
o Is the reward worth the risk?
 Celebrate the little things. Any external change you notice, however small, is a
sign of massive internal change in your wife. Particularly good signs are:
o Small moments of affection
o An acknowledgement of friendship; she likes who you are
o Projects around the house (very good sign!)
 Help your wife recognize what a healthy marriage looks like. Lead by example
until she’s ready to actually talk about it.
 Remember the big three rules:
o Focus on what you can control.
o Be patient.
o Trust your gut.

Chapter 20. Putting Leadership Into
Practice & Other Closing Thoughts
This is it.
We’re finally to the end of Manly Marriage Revival.
I’m confident that you now have all the tools you need to start putting husbandly
leadership into practice inside your own marriage. But, while I’ve given you the tools,
it’s up to you to use them properly.
On the other hand, even after 300 pages, part of me feels like we’ve barely scratched the
surface of living out leadership inside your marriage. I know that as you implement the
tips and tactics you’ve learned in this book, you’ll find yourself constantly learning new
things about yourself, your wife and marriage in general. Which is a good thing! Every
marriage should be a unique and precious journey.
That being said, we’ve covered a lot of stuff in this book. So, to help you remember
everything you’ve learned, here are the top 7 lessons to remember as you start putting
what you learned into practice…
Top 7 Lessons to Remember From This Book

Lesson 1.
Leadership is Attractive
Every woman and wife finds the trait of leadership attractive on a primal level.
You don’t have to be a perfect leader, but you do have to show her that you
know leadership is your responsibility and that you have the confidence to
make decisions. You’re the captain of your ship; it’s your job to identify where
your family wants to go in life, map a course to get them there, then protect,
serve and love them along the way.

Lesson 2.
The Leadership Cycle
The reason leadership is both the ingredient behind happy marriages AND the
key to rekindling your own marriage is because of The Leadership Cycle. It
goes like this:
Leadership kindles attraction, which creates a desire for forgiveness,

which fosters love which you express by leadership, and so on and so forth.
Lesson 3.
Husbandhood Means Servant Leadership
Leadership in marriage looks a lot more like servanthood than most men
realize; a good leader exists to serve the needs of his people, just like the best
kings or presidents. Here are the important traits of a husbandly leader:
Confident in himself Humble in his position as leader

Decisive in matters big & small Cherishes the trust of his wife
Loving to all those around him Stands firm in the marriage; a rock
Focused on what he can control Source of positive encouragement

Lesson 4.
Unconditional Love is Both Possible & Rewarding
Unconditional love means you’re always working to make your wife’s life
better, no matter what. When you unconditionally love your wife and she
unconditionally loves you, it creates a matrix of joy that lasts a lifetime, with
very real, tangible benefits for both of you.
Lesson 5.
Focus On What You Can Control
Especially if your marriage is on the rocks, it’s important to remember that
there’s always one thing you have total control over – yourself. You are 100%
in control of your mindset, habits, words and actions.
Your goal should be to master yourself. Push yourself to do as many of the

right things as you can, then rest easy knowing you’ve done everything in your
power to love your wife and save your marriage.
Oh, and don’t forget about your Marriage Scale we learned about back in
Chapter 7. Start using that today if you haven’t already.

Lesson 6.
Let Her Go to Get Her Back
If your wife wants out of the marriage, you’ve got to let her go to get her back.
That phrase has a few crucial implications:
 First, it means you need to relieve pressure on her by genuinely letting

her go. Less pressure is a good thing right now, because pressure tends
to be selfish.
 Let her go because you can’t force your wife to stay in the marriage.
She’s going to do what she wants to pursue her own happiness.
 Finally, let go of fear about what you can’t control. You have to take the
leap of faith and focus on the only thing you can control – YOU!
Since your wife is pursuing her own happiness, your best bet is simply to
become the type of husband that makes her happiest. Become such a good
option for her that only a fool would choose to leave the marriage.
Lesson 7.
Be Hopeful, Positive & Encouraging
Just because you have to let your wife go does NOT mean you have to give up
hope. Just the opposite. Hope is all you’ve got!
You should always be hopeful, positive and encouraging. Not only do these
attributes help you rekindle romance, they will also help you live a happier life
regardless of what happens in your marriage.
It’s like that cliché study – even if you fake a smile, it improves your mood.
Well, that’s what you’re doing here, but on a mindset-level.
And even if your wife isn’t on the way out, a positive attitude keeps a healthy
marriage happy. Be a constant source of encouragement, uplifting and joy.
Your attitude is contagious; make sure yours is spreading happiness.

Looking Forward to the Future
No matter what happens,
don’t ever give up hope on
your marriage. Not ‘til the
day the divorce goes through.
You are a man; you keep your

word. The day you got married,
you vowed to love your wife
forever. Now do the part. Use
your love for your wife to remain strong and focused on your end-goal.
Even when you put husbandly leadership into practice, there will still be struggles. Just
like the captain of a ship, you will face storms… Sometimes really big, dark, vicious
storms that genuinely make you scared. That’s okay! The point of this book isn’t to get
you to a conflict-free marriage; the point is to teach you a framework (leadership) for
navigating those storms without wrecking your ship.
Husbandly leadership is hard. It’s challenging. For some of you, it won’t come
naturally. But, remember that the reason most men aren’t leaders isn’t because they
can’t lead; it’s because they don’t know they need to.
Now you know.
Leadership is both the most rewarding and the most challenging part of being a married
man. Which means there’s just one more thing I have to ask you to do…
Pass It On
The title of this book is Manly Marriage Revival. I chose that title because I believe that
married men today need a massive reawakening. Very few men today understand what a
happy marriage looks like or what actually makes a lifelong marriage work. Even if you

go with the more conservative statistics that say 35% of marriages end in divorce…
That’s too high!
It’s up to us – the husbands – to change the way we operate inside a marriage. It’s up to
us to change the divorce statistics.
As you put leadership into practice

inside your own marriage, you’re going
to start seeing and feeling how
natural and rewarding marriage
can be when it’s done right.
You’re going to grow as a husband and a

man. You will become stronger, more
confident, more decisive and more loving as a leader. And it will just feel right.
All I ask you to do with all this growth is…
Pass it on.
Leadership cannot remain a secret. There is no reason that so many men today
should have to struggle to fix and maintain their marriage when the answer is so
obvious. And yet, even I never would’ve realized the importance of leadership if a friend
hadn’t sat me down and had ‘the leadership talk’ with me before I got married. I needed
someone outside myself to teach me.
I’m sure the same is true for you…
You knew something was missing in your marriage, and you really wanted to fix it, but
you had no idea where to start.
The answer is leadership. Share it.
When you see a friend struggling in their marriage, tell him about the importance of
leadership. Tell him that women find leadership attractive, and that he is entirely in
control of his own actions. Give him examples from your own marriage.

If a male friend or family member is engaged and on their way to getting married, be the
guy that gives them ‘the leadership talk’ about what it means to be a husband. Give them
the knowledge and tools you wish you’d had when you first got married.
Start looking for opportunities to share what you know about leadership.
No, this isn’t my way of subtly telling you to go out and promote my book. I don’t care
about selling more copies; I just want men to change. The only reason I wrote this book
at all is because I want divorce statistics to change. I want the word ‘marriage’ to be
associated with happiness and fulfilment; not imprisonment and failure.
Friends, we are the manly marriage revival.
Let’s spread the word.
I Want Your Feedback

This entire book was built on experience, so is it
any surprise I want to hear your feedback on the
book itself?
If you have any feedback about what you’ve

learned… If you have any questions or if there’s
something you wish I’d talked more about, please
let me know.
If any area of the book was hard to understand, or if I left something out, tell me! I want
to hear your feedback!
On the other hand, if you loved everything you read and it makes a difference in your
marriage, tell me your story! Success stories are the reason I started Husband Help
Haven; there’s nothing that makes me feel better than hearing about men who’ve put
leadership into practice.
Either way, send your feedback to [email protected].

Thank You for Reading
I’ve poured my heart into this book over the past 6 months. Writing it has been a huge
learning experience. In fact, I’ve re-applied several of the lessons I taught in this book
inside my own marriage, and it’s had a noticeable difference. I’d be writing and say, “Oh
yea, that’s how this is supposed to work.”
So, first, thank you for giving me a reason to put everything I know about husbandly
leadership and repairing a marriage all in one place.
Second, and more importantly, thank you for caring about your marriage. Thank
you for wanting to learn about leadership, even as our modern-day culture says that
husbandly leadership is sexist or close-minded. Thank you for challenging the status
quo.
Thank you for taking responsibility for your marriage.
From here, it’s up to you. I’ve taught you everything I know about husbandly leadership
and what it means in a marriage, but I don’t know everything. I’m not a perfect leader,
and I’m certainly not a perfect man. So go out and lead your marriage. Learn about
leadership for yourself, which can only happen when you put it into practice.
Love your wife more than you thought possible.
Pursue happiness and joy in your marriage until the day you die.
As you finish reading this final page of this final chapter, you’re completing your first
step towards husbandly leadership. Now, it’s up to you to put one foot in front of the
other and start living out leadership in your own marriage.
You can do it!
Again, thank you so much for reading, and best of luck as you dive headfirst into the
challenging-but-rewarding world that is husbandly leadership.
Much manly love,

- Jacob

APPENDIX
Answers to Frequently Asked Questions

that Don’t Really Fit Anywhere Else

A Quick Word About the Appendix
I just wanted to say a few quick words before jumping into these appendices to make
sure you understand their purpose and scope.
After releasing the beta version of Manly Marriage Revival to early birds back in May
of 2015, I got a TON of feedback. Which is a good thing; I wanted to make sure the
final version of MMR was a truly comprehensive resource for men facing separation
and other common marriage problems. The early bird launch allowed me to test
whether or not this book worked on real men in real marriages.
After the early bird launch, about 90% of the feedback I received was extremely
positive. Men loved it! Marriages were saved. The things I taught in this book do work.
But, there were a few questions that kept popping up again and again… These
appendices are the answer to those questions.
So, you can think of each appendix like a FAQ. Each appendix covers a question that
doesn’t really fit anywhere else in the book, but that enough men asked about to
warrant including an answer in MMR. Honestly, many of these questions deserve
their own book; these appendices aren’t meant to be overly detailed. Instead, they are
meant to serve as a starting point. And remember, if you have any questions that
aren’t answered here, please email me at [email protected].

Appendix A. “What If I Have Kids?”
A separation alone is extremely difficult to deal with. When kids are involved, it adds an
extra layer of complication that can often feel overwhelming.
Fortunately, your responsibility as a father is much more straightforward and

unchanging than your responsibilities as a husband. Whereas the way that you approach
and interact with your wife can change depending on your specific situation, every
father shares the same goals, mindset and responsibilities.
While yes, having kids does make things more complicated, children can also be an oasis
of comfort and fulfilment in a time of your life where both of those things are sparse.
Above All, Remain a Good Father

Throughout this book, I have stressed the importance of focusing on what you can
control. For 90% of the men reading this, you can control the kind of father you are,
even during a separation.
The only exception to this rule is if your wife has literally locked you out of the house
and is bitterly pursuing sole custody, refusing to allow you to see your children. While
this does happen and I have had men in this situation (in the past few months I’ve had
two different guys whose wives got restraining orders against them), it’s the exception,
not the rule.
For the rest of you, no matter what happens with your wife, no matter how distant she is
from the marriage, one of your top priorities should be spending quality time with your
kids and showing them what a good, loving father looks like.
What are some traits of a good father?
Again, as we said in the preface above, entire books have been written on this subject.
And remember, we talked about your responsibilities as a father in Chapter 6 about
areas of husbandly leadership, so refer back to that chapter if you need a refresher. That
being said, here are some fatherhood traits that come to mind…

Just remember the acronym SPELL. A good father is:
Strong – Always remain positive and confident in front of your kids. When you
make decisions as a father, stand firm in them. When you say yes, it means yes.
When you say no, it means no. As we said all the way back in the chapter about
areas of husbandly leadership, you are “the dad”.
Present – You are there for your kids. You get lots of face time with them. But,
remember that being present is about more than just physically being around
your kids… A father must be present mentally and emotionally too. When you’re
spending time with your kids, they get your full attention. Reinforce that they’re
worthy of attention.
Encouraging – A good father is constantly uplifting his kids. He wants them to

be confident. He wants to be a source of positivity. He isn’t cynical or negative.
Always look for opportunities to encourage your children… And not just generic
encouragement like “Great job!” or “You did awesome!” Look for specific ways to
praise your children.
Loving – Pretty straightforward one here… A father loves his kids and his kids
know that he loves them. This is communicated through both words and actions.
Leader – Finally, a good father leads his family, and his kids see him as the
family’s leader. Again, we’ve already talked extensively about what a husbandly
leader looks like (see Chapter 6 if you need a refresher), so we’ll just leave it at
that.
Let’s look at some specific questions that tend to pop up when dealing with separation
and kids:
Question 1. How do you father your kids when your wife is

uninterested in the family?
Let’s say your wife is having an affair. Many times when a wife is unfaithful, she will not
only push away from her husband; she’ll also push away from her family. She pushes

away from anything and everything that reminds her that what she’s doing is wrong and
immoral.
What do you do as the father in this situation?
The answer is simple: pick up the slack left behind by your wife.
Go above and beyond as a father; take on as many parental responsibilities as you can.
Your goal is to be there for your kids so much and so fully that they barely notice the
absence of their mother.
Of course, this is a TON of work and is much easier said than done… Especially if you
work a full-time job. But do your best, and remember that it’s only for a season.
As they say, this too shall pass.
Whatever happens, I strongly recommend against speaking ill of your wife to your kids.
If they ask where mommy’s at or why she seems different, just tell them that she’s
working on some problems.
Question 2. How do you deal with kids during a separation?

Honestly, this scenario is where having kids can actually be an enormous boon to your
marriage.
Why?
Because seeing your kids is the perfect non-desperate, non-selfish reason for you to see
your wife. Whether it’s you or her that has moved out of the house, you end up with the
perfect excuse to get time with your wife and your family.
Here’s another perk… Lots of men struggle to come up with topics of conversation with
their wife during a separation.
Guess what?
Keeping up with kids is the PERFECT topic of conversation because it is something that
you are both a genuinely interested in, and talking about it won’t come off as you simply

wanting to talk to her (which can sometimes happen when you’re stuck with generic
conversation topics like, “How was your day?”).
So, again, your goal in this scenario is to not let your marriage interfere with your
fatherhood as much as is reasonable to expect. If anything, you need to step up your
priority on being a good father during this time of your life.
Remember, you can’t control your wife…
You can’t control how she thinks or how she feels about you. But, you can be there for
your kids; you can show them that you love them. And, in the end, showing your wife
that you can lead your children, encourage them and keep them happy is a
good step towards getting her to see that you can make HER happy too.
Question 3. How does the No Contact Rule apply when you have
kids?
This is perhaps the trickiest scenario of all:
You’re separated from your wife…
Maybe she’s having an affair…
Every interaction you have with her turns combative…
So now you’ve decided that the No Contact Rule is your only option.
Here’s the problem – you have kids, which kind of makes no contact impossible. After
all, even if you’re not contacting your wife, you still want to see your kids! And if she’s
the one who’s left the house, then she still wants to see them too (hopefully).
Here’s what to do:

Basically, during those week-long periods of no contact, you ONLY talk to your wife
when you want to come spend time with the kids (or when she wants to spend time with
them, if she’s the one who left).
During the normal “no contact” weeks, you refuse to engage in any conversation
that does not directly relate to making plans with the kids.

If she tries to get a rise out of you, don’t give in and start a fight; instead, politely ask her
to stay focused on making plans. If she tries to ignore you… If she won’t answer your
texts or calls about when you want to see your kids, simply tell her your plans to come
see them and then carry them out with or without her approval. Don’t ask; just inform
and arrive.
Basically, your goal is to stick to the No Contact Rule as closely as you can
without neglecting your kids. This is a commonsense approach that shouldn’t be
too difficult to adjust your No Contact plan to, and it fulfills your responsibility to
remain present as a father.
These are the three most common questions that dads run into when they’re dealing
with a separation or an affair, but obviously every marriage is different so you may
have other problems that aren’t addressed here. Consider this a quick reminder that
you’re free to email me at [email protected] if you want some more
specific advice.

Appendix B. Other Common “What If”
Scenarios
The “what if I have kids” question is definitely the biggest and most complicated
scenario that isn’t covered in the main part of MMR. But, there are several other
recurring questions that I’ve heard enough times to warrant including them in the book.
Here are four of the most common “what if” scenarios that you may need help with:
Scenario 1. “What If She Feels Like

I Don’t Care About Her?”
Here’s the scenario:
You’re making immediate changes in how you approach your wife and your marriage.
You’re more confident; you’re not desperate; you’re not begging; you’re not sacrificing
your dignity for the sake of ‘convincing her’ to stay in the marriage. Your wife wants a
separation, so you’re letting her go to get her back.
What’s the problem?
Now that you’ve “let her go”, she’s accusing you of not caring about the marriage. Or
maybe she hasn’t outright accused you of not caring, but you get a feeling that she’s
turned off because you’re not “fighting for her”.
First off, this is actually good news for you.
Why?
Because if your wife wants you to fight for her, if she wants you to care about the
marriage, then logically that means that some part of her is still open to a future with
you. Of course, chances are you’re not dealing with a logical woman right now, but the
point still stands.

The real problem with this scenario is that usually what ends up happening is something
like this:
1. Your wife accuses you of not fighting for her or caring about the marriage.
2. Obviously, you DO care about her and ARE fighting for the marriage, and you
want your wife to know that. So you start making your desire for your wife more
transparent. Maybe you start doing affectionate gestures or you have a
conversation with her about your plans for the future.
3. She is immediately turned off and pushes you away again.
4. The cycle repeats until months have gone by and she’s fully out of the marriage.
James’ Story
One guy in particular had this exact same pattern repeat itself over and over in his
marriage and separation. Let’s call him James. James’ wife is having an emotional affair,
she has asked for “space”, but he hasn’t given up on the marriage. He’s willing to do
anything to get his wife back, just like most of you reading this.
Here’s how the cycle above played itself out for James:
The first time James emailed me, he was thinking about buying his wife a
birthday present even though they’re moving towards separation. He wanted to
know my thoughts. I told him what I tell every guy who wants to do something
affectionate during a separation… “If your gut tells you ‘yes’, then go right
ahead! Just make sure there are no ulterior motives and no expectations
attached.”
So, he buys her a birthday gift. She’s surprised; she wasn’t expecting anything
from him. She loves it.
Unfortunately, a week later things haven’t gotten any better and her extramarital
relationship keeps progressing. She’s now actively started to go on dates with the
other guy. So, James decides to get a bit firm with her and uses something similar
to Statement #6 from Chapter 17 – he asks her to pause the affair so that they can
give their marriage another chance. She refuses, saying that they’ve already given

their marriage plenty of chances and that there’s no future. He says, “Fine, but
I’m your husband and I’m not living with you while you pursue another man.”
Another week goes by, and things haven’t gotten any better. Only now, James is
convinced that the reason things haven’t improved is because she feels like he
doesn’t care about the marriage.
Why does he think that?
Because she’s outright told him that she doesn’t see him fighting for her. She says
she “doesn’t see any fight in him” or get the feeling that he wants it to work. She’s
told him that he doesn’t show her how much he loves her or cherishes her. She’s
also started being pouty around the house, as if she’s trying to show him how
neglected she feels.
So, what does he do?
He goes ahead and outright tells her that he loves her and wants to save the
marriage, and that he’s willing to put in the work to make that happen. This is in
addition to the consistent affectionate texts he has continued to send her this
whole time… Nothing big or over the top, but consistent.
Again, she turns him down, saying she just doesn’t “feel it”.
This same thing keeps happening a couple more times, until finally I tell him,
“Look, James, you’ve been getting this feeling that your wife thinks you don’t
care about her for a while now… I think it’s time for you to do whatever it takes
to make that feeling go away. How about this – every day for one week, commit
to doing one nice gesture, one act of affection, SOMETHING that shows your
wife you love her. It could be a letter, a text, cooking her dinner, giving her a
hug… Anything that shows her how much you love her. Do whatever you have
to do to be able to look in the mirror and say, ‘There’s NO WAY my wife could
honestly believe I don’t love her.’ Can you do that?”

He takes my advice. Every day, he makes a point of doing something to
indisputably show his wife that he loves her, cherishes her and wants her back.
What happens next? How does she react?
He gets about halfway through the week before his wife asks him to stop. She says
it makes her uncomfortable and that she feels bad for him. She also says that
she’s completely given up on the marriage.
Do you see what’s happening here?
The fact is, James did everything in his power to prevent the separation. He DID ask her
to stay. He literally told her that he cares about her and that he’s willing to fight for her.
So what’s going on? Where is his wife getting this idea? Why is she making it seem like
HE is the one who isn’t fighting for the marriage?
Let’s take a step back and look at the situation from a bird’s eye view…
Wife is having an affair, but accusing husband of not “fighting” for the marriage. Does
that make any sense at all? Nope. Isn’t having an affair the single biggest way to say, “I
don’t care about the marriage”? I’d say so!
So, what’s the deal?
The reality is, if your wife tells you that she feels like you don’t care about the marriage,
but you KNOW that you’ve been fighting for the marriage and making good changes in
your own behavior, chances are she’s just looking for a way to avoid taking
responsibility. It’s much easier to say, “It’s your fault; why would I try to fix a marriage
where my own husband doesn’t even care!” than to say, “My affair is inexcusable and
makes the marriage impossible to fix.”
Okay, but what if your wife isn’t having an affair? What if you’re facing a plain ol’
separation with no infidelity anywhere to be seen?
Honestly, the same reasoning still applies. And your eventual goal is still the same – you
need your wife to be re-attracted to you and you need to SHOW her that you’re her best

option. Showing her that is going to take time, and you’re going to have to endure many
more attacks like this in order to get there. And that’s ultimately what this sort of
statement is – an attack.
Okay, okay… What should you actually DO in this scenario?

In the end, the actual reason she says you don’t care doesn’t really matter… What
matters is what you do about it. So, what should you do?
1. Recognize that showing your wife you care will NOT reverse your
wife’s decision to separate. At least, not immediately. Remember that this
whole process takes time.
a. This is especially true if she’s having an affair. If your wife is having an
affair, recognize that it’s easier for her to blame you than to acknowledge
what the affair is doing to the marriage.
2. If you KNOW that you’re making progress as a husband and leader, expect that
your wife may initially have a negative reaction to the changes you’re making in
yourself. Keep persevering; keep pushing on; keep doing what you’re doing.
3. At this point, you have to take everything your wife says and does with a grain of
salt. She is operating on feelings right now. If she says that you’re not fighting for
her, but you know for a fact that you absolutely ARE fighting for her, then just
ignore it and keep doing what you’re doing to get that reaction out of her in the
first place. Remember, the fact that she feels like she wants you to fight for her is
a good thing!
4. At the end of the day, remember that all you can do is focus on what you can
control. Keep doing what you know you need to do.
5. Trust your gut. If you keep feeling like you should do more for your wife to
communicate your desire for her and the marriage (whether that’s through words
or gestures), then do it.
a. Also note that, as is what happened with James, sometimes you have to do
this for no other reason than so that you can look in the mirror and say,
“There’s no way that my wife can realistically believe that I don’t care
about her.” Having that peace of mind is worth it.

6. Sometimes you just have to let your wife keep thinking you don’t care.
Remember, even though she says your lack of “fight” is why she’s not coming
back to the marriage, the fact is that there is a LOT more at play, and the fact that
she wants you to fight for her is a good thing. Again, there’s nothing wrong with
keeping her feeling that way.
Basically, the short answer here is just keep doing what you’re doing and trust that your
wife will get that attraction back for you eventually.
Scenario 2. “What If Her Friends or Family

Are Against You?”
Is your wife’s best friend constantly telling her to leave you?
… Or maybe her mother can’t stand you and is encouraging her to leave you for an
upgrade.
Either way, you are not alone. Many men have faced a similar obstacle, where toxic
sources close to your wife are encouraging her to end the marriage and that you don’t
deserve her.
What should you do about it?
Ignore it.
This is a classic case of focusing on what you can control.
Is there any way that you can force this person in your wife’s life to stop being toxic?
No.
Is there any way that you can convince your wife to stop spending time with this person
or talking to them? For 99% of the men reading this, the answer is no… When your
marriage is back on solid ground, maybe, but certainly not while separation/divorce is
still on the table.

If you can’t stop your wife from interacting with these toxic outside influences, what can
you do?
You can do your absolute best to make yourself such a good husband, father and leader
that those toxic people sound stupid for even suggesting that you’re a bad husband.
Let your actions speak louder than their words.
Scenario 3. “What If She’s Constantly

Texting Other Men?”
(or generally has her nose in her phone)
We already talked a lot about what to do if your wife is having an affair in chapter 18, so
I won’t go into too much detail about that here. But, I do want to address this specific
problem that seems to come up a lot, which is, “How do I handle my wife’s texts from
other men?”
This one is pretty straightforward, and there are two different ways to approach it. And
only one way if your wife is currently having an affair.
Option 1 is to just ignore it, and this is the recommended approach for most men
reading this, and this option is your only real option if your wife is having an affair.
Just ignore it. Ignore the texts as best you can. Don’t look at them; don’t think about
them; don’t ask about them; certainly don’t snoop on her phone to read them. Just
ignore them. Those texts don’t change anything about your goals, and they don’t change
anything about what you can control.
When you think about it, the same logic applies to this scenario as the previous one…
Can you stop other men from texting your wife? No.
Can you stop her from texting them back? No.
What can you do?

Focus on yourself and focus on making the most of the moments when your wife isn’t
attached to her phone.
Remember, what we’re looking at here is a symptom, not a cause… In other words, your
wife’s texting habit is NOT the cause of her distance from you; it’s the symptom of a
deeper problem. As she sees you becoming the type of man she wants to be with, she’ll
have more incentive to set down the phone and give you her focus.
And that brings us to option 2…
Option 2 is to openly ask your wife to pay more attention to you when she’s
with you.
Now, keep in mind that most of the time, this will only work for men whose wives are
already on their way back. If you’re at a point where your wife couldn’t care less what
you want or how you feel, then this option certainly won’t work.
On the other hand, if your wife is slowly coming back to the marriage and has shown
that she IS willing to make changes in her own behavior for the sake of the marriage,
then an honest discussion about how much you appreciate her undivided attention
when you’re together can be a very profitable and helpful thing to have.
We already talked about jealousy earlier in the book, and one of the things that’s easy to
be jealous of is your wife’s texting habit. It’s easy to be jealous of the time she spends
texting, and of the attention that she devotes to other people through her phone. It
makes you think, “Am I really so boring that you can’t talk to me without pulling out
your phone?”
Don’t let this sort of jealousy fester under the surface. If you think your wife would be
receptive to it (or if you feel strongly like you need to speak your mind), then simply tell
her how you feel and that you’d like her to stop texting when she’s with you.
One last thing…
If your wife IS having an affair, you can still try to ask her not to constantly text other
men (or other people) around you. But, if you do, just make sure you stay calm while

you do it and expect her to dismiss your request without changing her behavior. But you
can still ask.
Scenario 4. “What If I Mess Up?”

Finally, this is the scenario that everyone reading this book will run into at least once.
And the answer is… It’s okay.
Remember, as we said earlier in the book, husbandly leadership is not about perfection;
it’s about trajectory. Your goal isn’t to become the perfect husband overnight.
You’re not a failure if you make a mistake.
You haven’t ruined your chances of getting your wife back if you relapse into old habits,
or if you say something that you shouldn’t have, or if you do something that a husbandly
leader shouldn’t do.
The important thing is that you learn from your mistake, pick yourself up, and keep
moving forward.
It’s easy to get caught up in regret. It’s easy to get down on yourself or to get discouraged
or to get impatient. But you can’t afford to dwell on your mistakes right now. You need
to stay focused, and you need to stay consistent.
You can still be consistent if you make a mistake, but you CAN’T stay consistent if you
let your mistakes cause you to give up hope.
Remember – it’s NEVER too late to save your marriage. I’ve seen marriages come back
from unbelievably dire circumstances.
Be patient, trust your gut, focus on what you can control, and keep moving forward.

Appendix C. Marriage Counseling
I will be the first to confess that I’m slightly biased against marriage counseling. There
are three big reasons for this, and they all go hand-in-hand:
1. First, my own parents went through four or five different marriage counselors over
the course of the last 10 years of their marriage. While I’m sure that both of my
parents would tell you that they received some good advice from at least a couple of
those counselors, none of them were able to give my parents what they needed to fix
their relationship. And at least one of those counselors actually added to the
problems in my parents’ marriage.
2. Second, marriage counseling is often billed as a one-stop solution to all marriage

problems. My parents’ case is a perfect example of this. The idea is, “Well, we tried
marriage counseling. That didn’t work, so our marriage must not be fixable.”
Basically, people rely on marriage counseling as the one and only method of fixing a
marriage, when the reality is that 38% of couples end up divorced within four years
of completing a counseling regimen.
3. And that brings us to the third reason, which is that marriage counseling’s success is
highly conditional. Statistics show that marriage counseling is most effective when
(A) couples seek help early, before problems can fester, and (B) that it’s most
successful when BOTH spouses are dedicated to making the needed changes to the
marriage. For most men reading this book, neither of those conditions apply.
It’s also worth noting that many marriage counselors acknowledge that their role is NOT
always to save the marriage.
Instead, a counselor’s responsibility is to help a couple “move forward” in a healthy

manner. If one spouse is dead-set on divorce, then many times an MC’s job is to help the
couple end their relationship without animosity or long-term damage to either spouse.

Here’s an example: this article says, “In some cases, marriage counseling works by
convincing a couple that they are not in a healthy relationship and by giving the
couple the encouragement they need to end their relationship.”
This is probably why nearly 40% of couples who receive couple’s counseling get divorced
within four years of completing therapy.
Okay, so those are my reasons for NOT liking marriage counseling. Believe it or not,
though, I still believe that marriage counseling can be a valuable tool for
many men reading this as you move forward in trying to fix your marriage.
Here’s when I do recommend marriage counseling and why, and what you can do to
make the most of your counseling:
If Your Wife Suggests Marriage Counseling, Always Say Yes

We just got done talking about how one of the primary conditions for marriage
counseling’s success is that both spouses must want to fix the marriage.
Since you’re here reading this, half of that requirement is already met, right? If your wife
ever suggests marriage counseling, you should say yes! If your wife wants to go to
counseling and work on the marriage… And you want to go to counseling and work on
the marriage… Then you should probably go to counseling and work on the marriage!
It’s true, there is a possibility that your wife is only suggesting marriage counseling
because she wants someone to validate her desire to end the relationship. But, you won’t
know that until you try it out. And, even if that is her desire going into it, a good
counselor may help your wife see the marriage (and the reason she wants to leave it) in a
new light.
Plus, your wife may assume that you will say no to marriage counseling. This is a
surprisingly common assumption among women, and a surprising number of men do
say no to counseling, even when they want to save their marriage.
Saying yes to counseling shows her that you’re willing to put work into the relationship,
no matter how bad things have become.

Take Charge of Finding & Vetting the Counselor
If you ever come to a point where you and your wife are ready to try counseling, take
charge of finding the counselor.
I can personally attest from my parents’ experience and the experience of men Inside
the Haven, there are a LOT of underwhelming counselors out there. There are plenty of
counselors out there who will do more damage than good. So, make sure you do your
own due diligence when choosing your counselor.
This also shows your wife that just as you can take charge of finding a counselor, you can
also take charge of the marriage.
Here are some criteria for finding a good marriage counselor:
 They offer both individual and couples counseling.

 They specialize in marriage counseling; they aren’t a generalist counselor
who also offers marriage counseling. If they have further specialties that are
relevant to your relationship (such as specializing in extramarital affairs or crisis
management), all the better.
 They share your beliefs about marriage. Sometimes this is hard to tell
without either a phone call or an initial consultation.
 They are relatable and trustworthy. Many couples find that they do better
with a counselor their own age who is in similar life circumstances (eg. mid-40s
with kids). Some other couples find they do better with a much older counselor
who can be seen as a wise, authoritative figure.
o Remember, it’s more important that your wife can trust and relate to the
counselor than that you can.
 They are adaptable and accessible. The best counselors are willing to talk to
you on the fly via email, call or text when needed; not just when you’re sitting in
their office. The best counselors are also not limited by “formulas”; they can listen
and adjust their therapy regimen depending on your specific needs.

 (Optional) They are a new counselor. Believe it or not, a new counselor is
sometimes better than a more established one because it means they will be more
involved and passionate about giving you and your wife what you need.
 They are referred to you by a friend. I know it can be awkward to talk to
friends about counseling, but the best way to vet a counselor is to get one that
someone else has had success with.
Marriage Counseling Helps Keep Your Home a Peaceful Place

Marriage counseling can give you a place where you can be free to have the kind of
serious, difficult discussions that you generally want to avoid on a day-to-day basis while
your marriage is still on the edge. A counseling session gives your wife the opportunity
to openly express what she feels is wrong with the marriage, and most importantly, it’s
in a place that isn’t your home.
Basically, counseling can help you keep your home a peaceful place, with the counselor’s
office dedicated to conflict.
It also gives you a specific time and place that is set aside for talking about the marriage.
That way you have a good reason NOT to have those conversations outside of
counseling.
On top of that, marriage counseling helps you keep a pulse on the specific issues that
your wife needs to resolve. And if your wife doesn’t KNOW what those specific issues
are, then marriage counseling will help her identify them. Either way, this makes it
easier for both of you!
Marriage Counseling May Help Your Wife Recover

As your wife starts coming around to the marriage, having someone objective to talk to
can be extremely helpful.
Your wife can say things to your marriage counselor that she isn’t yet comfortable saying
to you, and that’s okay! It’s better for her to say those things to the counselor than not
saying them at all, or worse, saying them to another man.

A marriage counselor keeps your wife thinking about the marriage, which is
something that she may not spend much time doing otherwise. At least, not
constructively and not with guidance.
We briefly touched on this earlier in the book, but right now, you’ve invested a lot of
time into saving your marriage. You’ve read this book. You’ve read around Husband
Help Haven. You’re actively working on yourself and the way you interact with your
wife.
But, what has your wife done?
Who has she talked to?
What has she read to help her move forward in the marriage?
Probably nothing. And if she has been reading anything or talking to anyone, they
probably haven’t been overly helpful or supportive.
A marriage counselor can fill the gap between where you’re at and where your wife is at.
A marriage counselor can be the thing that gets your wife thinking about the marriage in
a productive, efficient and results-oriented way. Sometimes, this alone is what makes
marriage counseling so worthwhile.
Key Takeaways:
 Marriage counseling is a tool; not THE answer to your marriage problems.

 If your wife suggests marriage counseling, always say yes.
 Take charge of finding a counselor using the criteria outlined above.
 Recognize that counseling may do more for your wife than it will do for you, and
that’s okay!

About the Author
This isn’t going to be one of those cheesy About the
Author pages where I talk about myself in the third-
person. Honestly, there’s not that much to know
about me… The most important thing is that my
goal is to help you become a better husband.
Other than that, my name is Jacob Elichmann. I’m a

29 year-old man, married to my wife for 8 years. We
currently have one daughter named Eden, although
we’d like to have a couple more kids at some point.
I’m a freelance writer by day, blogger by night.
I started Husband Help Haven in 2011 because I saw a dire lack of true masculine role
models for married men. It’s almost impossible to find good, manly marriage advice.
Plus, I’ve always had a deep interest in what makes a marriage and a family happy. This
is probably because my own parents, who are now divorced, had a pretty toxic marriage
for as long as I can remember.
I’m not the best husband in the world. If you could rate married men on a scale from
one to five, I’d probably be a three… Plenty of room for improvement. The problem is,
most men aren’t even on the scale because they have NO IDEA that leadership is our
God-given role inside marriage. Men are meant to lead their wives. So, even though I’m
nowhere near being the best husband in the world, I know enough to show you the way,
and I care enough to actually do so.
I have a passion for husbandhood, and I want to encourage other men to do the same. I
love being married, and I’m always striving to be a better husband, father and leader.
Showing other men how to do the same is why I wrote this book, and it’s why I do my
best to share everything I learn on Husband Help Haven.
Thanks again for reading!

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© 2015 by Husband Help Haven

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or

MANLY MARRIAGE REVIVAL Page | 2

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Part 2: Communication & Understanding Her Needs

Part 3: Action Time – Specific Things to Do & Say

Appendix A | Appendix B | Appendix C

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But, something was still missing…

 This book is NOT about having more sex in your marriage.

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I’m Not Special

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Who Is This Book For?

The Manly Marriage Revival Guarantee

Are you ready to start making changes in your marriage?

Then let’s go. Introduction over.

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Setting the Foundation:

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Some key takeaways from that page are:

 A good leader is generous, loving, positive and brave.

Why Can’t Husband & Wife Share Leadership?

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That person is the leader.

Which brings us to the next point…

What Does Husbandly Leadership Look Like?

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Why Being a Leader Means Being a Servant

In other words, the best leader is also the best servant.

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What If You Aren’t a Natural Leader?

 He needed glasses from a young age.

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It should… That’s exactly what you’re doing right now.

… In fact, you’ve already started.

What You Lose Without Husbandly Leadership

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That make sense?

Women find leadership attractive.

Let me make this clear: there are no exceptions to this rule:

LEADERSHIP IS ATTRACTIVE TO EVERY WOMAN & WIFE

A healthy marriage is invigorating. It’s a daily reminder of your masculinity. It

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What about you?

So, the question is this:

When did the national divorce rate first start rising?

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2. The sexual revolution also raised expectations for a sexy, “passionate”

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Trust & Problem-Solving

Introducing The Leadership Cycle

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Surely, there’s something more to it, right? There is.

Enter, The Leadership Cycle:

1. Leadership increases levels of attraction, then…

The cycle goes on.

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Leadership Increases Levels of Attraction

What I want to clarify here is that