CHAPTER 4: FAMILY RULES, RITUALS, AND STORIES

Section 4: Storytelling as a Means to Communicate within the Family

Dennis Leoutsakas

In Family Communication: Theory and research (L.B. Arnold, Ed.) 2007; P. 136.

Twenty years of experience as a Mental Health Counselor, Juvenile Probation Officer,

and a Family Therapist, has led me to define identity as the sum of our experiences that makes us

who we are, and as a result, influences what we do. Restated, we are everything that has

happened to us. If this is true, then one of the most natural ways to express our selves is through

story and storytelling. Storytelling is a method for relating experiences and placing them in

context. My friend, Michael Arrington (2002), who uses stories as a practical tool to analyze the

way men with prostate cancer perceive their illness, writes,

Storytelling allows people to contextualize themselves and their actions. It is

through this process that we discover who we really are....We use stories to shape our

identities, not only in the mundane aspects of our daily lives, but in the midst of

adversity, as well (p.25).

The use of stories to make sense of our lives is not a unique idea.1 The scholar, Didier

Coste (1989), claims there are three very specific purposes for narrative. They help explain

cultural realities, they provide examples for us to imitate, and they can be used to persuade our

thoughts or actions. W. G. Kirkwood (1992), suggests an additional function of narratives: they

open our eyes to the realm of possibilities. In addition, the use of stories by all civilizations is

undeniable. The writer and scholar, Roland Barthes, discusses the prevalence of stories,
 The narratives of the world are numberless. ....Narrative is present in every age, in

every place, in every society; it begins with the very history of [humankind] and there

nowhere is nor has been a people without narrative. (Polkinghorne, 1988, p.14)

Since stories are so commonplace, and they are willingly embraced by humans, it follows

that stories are an important vehicle of family communication. Stories help us with

understanding family interactions and determining our places in family configurations. By

slightly altering the ideas forwarded by Coste and Kirkwood, I suggest that the following

relationships exist between stories and family communication: (1.) Stories help us explain what

is happening in our families; (2.) Stories are used by primary caretakers in families to provide

examples of beliefs, values, attitudes and behaviors; (3.) As individuals, we use stories to

convince other family members to recognize our points of view; and (4.) Stories help us to

dream, both as individual family members and as family units.

Ironically, having now stated the importance of stories to family communication, I am

now going to turn my attention to a single family member, the orphan (defined as a child with

absent biological parental figures). Having read or heard the stories of hundreds of orphans, I

think they give us a unique perception of the family. Through these orphan stories (often told by

adults), I can show how stories are used to explain family circumstances, forward ideas within

the family, convince family members of a point of view, and finally, help family members

imagine a different set of circumstances for their families.

Stories of the orphaning experience are spellbinding. Like horrendous disasters, orphan

narratives compel us to stare (or at least peek) at the tragic aftermath of a life in disarray. Along

with weaving a background for themselves through their stories, orphans also use stories to

provide a structure through which their experiences can be understood by others. Furthermore, it

is through these stories that others learn what life is like for orphans. For orphans, this means that

the stories they tell themselves, the stories they tell others, and the stories they are told, shape

both self-perceptions and social impressions of orphaning.

While the work in this chapter does not seek to scientifically identify the origins of all

stories told under familial circumstances, it does seek to better understand the use of stories

through the conditions of orphaning. Its research locus is in uncovering the reflections of those

who have been orphaned. The research captures pieces of inner conversations through a thematic

analysis of fourteen formal interviews of self-identified orphans and an informal survey of

anecdotal material gathered from documents and textualized material (e.g. books, newspapers,

magazines, audio documentaries, film, etc.) forwarded by orphans. This chapter is simply

designed as an in-depth analysis, utilizing narrative interviews of a small population (N=15) of

orphans, supported by readings from orphan-related material, and self-revelations and

observations from my own orphaning and consequential family-related experiences. This

research augments available family communication research about the utilization of storytelling

within the family by taking the time to listen to stories told by contemporary orphans.
 As a family communication researcher, I collect stories told by orphans because I do not

find representations of orphans in the media or popular culture to be at all convincing. By using

oral histories and open-ended interviewing, rather than surveys and statistical analysis that are

commonly used by social scientists, I explore the depths of orphaning through the stories

orphans tell about their childhoods and family-life happenings. Bringing these stories out into the

open provides a more culturally complete picture of the orphaning experience. It is a picture that

contrasts sharply with the fictional and pop-cultural images of orphaning.

The remainder of this chapter uses narrative accounts from self-identified orphans to

examine the relationships of stories to individuals, family units, and family communication. In

addition to providing examples of family communication, the stories are used to enhance existing

characterizations of contemporary orphans and orphaning processes. From the stories that

follow, I show that there is a strong relationship between stories and family communication.

(1) Stories help us explain what is happening in our families

development of the family (grandma and grandpa can trace their roots back to...). Orphans,

whether adopted or not, also have riveting stories to tell. Many people who did not grow up with

their biological parents use stories to describe the circumstances of their orphaning. This is a

story narrated by a young woman whose father was fatally shot in front of her when she was a

child, and who was totally orphaned as a teenager when her mother died from AIDS. She talks

about her father:

My best memories were always going to Puerto Rico in the summer time to visit my

family. I got to spend time with my father and see my father. I loved being with my

father. I lived in New York City. When my mom and dad split up, my mom went with

my step-dad and went to New York. ...When me and my mom left my dad I was three

years old. I didn’t feel like I left him completely, because of the fact that every summer

I’d go see him. When my father was killed it changed. ...it was ok, I mean he was in and

out of drug rehab and trying to clean up, and trying to straighten himself up. But, uhm, he

was really good. He cared for me a lot. He made me feel comfortable and safe around

him.

Here is another story from a young woman who was adopted as an infant. She talks about

her adopted grandmother:

I don’t think that my grandmother liked my brother and I very much. Especially because

I wouldn’t eat her chicken soup. Because she put chicken feet into it! Which was

hideous! As a child it freaked me out. I didn’t think it [the differences in our taste in

food] had anything to do with [my grandmother] being Slovak or having it [Mexican] in
 my blood. So, I used to run around and she would chase me. To get even, just to spite

her, I was sort of a bratty kid, I would eat the dog biscuits. She thought that was

horrendous–a Slovak child would never do that!

From these stories we can get a sense of a father-daughter relationship and an adoptive

grandmother-granddaughter relationship. Thinking back to our childhood, we all have such

stories. In this way we rely on stories help us explain what did happen or what is happening in

our families.

(2) Stories are used by primary caretakers in families to provide examples of beliefs, values,

attitudes and behaviors

Stories help forward or teach these beliefs, values, attitudes and behaviors that we hold

dear. When we read or hear stories of those who do poorly because of drugs or alcohol, the

message to us is, “don’t do drugs or drink excessively.” When we hear or read stories about

people who excel in their fields because they are educated, the message to us is, “stay in school

because education is important.” These lessons are taught through the process of sharing our own

beliefs, values, attitudes and behaviors consistently. Naturally, some of these qualities are

cultural values and are often reinforced by society (i.e. don’t lie, don’t steal, don’t kill, etc.)

because they generally benefit the entire society. Others are more subtle and may play out in the

family, but not hold true for general society (e.g. if your father really loved you, he’d...; mother

didn’t care about me because she was more interested in...., etc.). In family relationships where

blood relations are not available, some of the beliefs, values, attitudes and behaviors are subtler

still, but orphan children get the messages. The first story is from an adult woman reflecting back
on her adoptive parents. She first talks about the messages she received about her biological

family and then describes the values she received from her adoptive family.

I know that my adopted mom was bitter about not being able to have children...

She fed me some things, I think that they were true from her perspective. This idea that

the biological family personally hated me. ...I didn’t get a sense of any kind of hatred

[when I contacted them]. [However] I learned a lot of really great things from them [my

adoptive parents],...a great work ethic, loyalty, [and] a sense of commitment. You take

something on, you do it. [I guess the word is] stick-to-it-ness.

The second story is considered “the great adoption story” by orphans. Adopted children

are often told they are special because their adoptive parents picked them out of all the orphan

children in the world. One of the problems with this story is that, when the children grow older,

it is difficult to reconcile the mythology with adult issues (e.g. why did my biological parents

abandon me; in a racially divided culture, why must I look so different than my adoptive family,

etc.). Here is an example of how the story was communicated to a young Asian woman growing

up in a Caucasian home.

This [my adoption] was really a great thing and this was something special,

something unique. And my family and my church family and all of our friends, and sort

of the people just around me were always reminding me that I was special, I was unique.

You know,...really instilling in me that something really wonderful happened, and it was

a blessing, and this wasn’t something bad. But I do remember people treating it as if it

were [really sad], and then being retold that wasn’t the issue, and so I never saw it like

that [as bad]....I remember going into the bathroom, and turning on the light and looking

in the mirror, and noticing there was something very different between the way I looked
 and the way they looked! ...I look Asian, but I think, and was brought up, as White

American. ...so–I’m treated one way because of my physical appearance. There is always

like this reminding that I am different. ...It’s hard because I find myself trying to identify

with the Asian side of my heritage, and that’s so foreign.

From these stories we can get a sense of the many values that can be imparted by the

narratives in our family relationships. In the two brief scenarios described, issues of parenting,

work ethics, family loyalty, personal commitments, adoption, and race all surfaced. Thinking

back to your childhood, you too can probably remember a time when a story was used to teach

you a value, or pass on a belief. From religious stories to personal stories we are surrounded by

such stories. In this manner, stories are used by primary caretakers in families to provide

examples of beliefs, values, attitudes and behaviors to be followed by other family members.

(3) As individuals, we use stories to convince other family members to recognize our points of

view

Can you remember a time when you came home and used this line on your parents or

caretakers, “My friend..., so I should...?” In a sense we were telling the story about our friend to

convince our primary caretaker to be more like our friend’s primary caretakers. This type of

narrative reasoning is found throughout the family constellation. At times it is adults trying to

convince children or other adults, other times it’s children trying to persuade adults or other

children. While we can all come up with light-hearted persuasive stories we’ve witnessed, it

should be remembered that many children and caregivers use stories as incendiary devices in

very serious family situations or as a means to realign the family. For instance, in the first
scenario presented here, a grandparent uses the stories of her daughter’s poor relationships, her

granddaughter’s truancy from school, and the girl’s relationship with a boyfriend, to force the

teenage girl from the home.

My grandmother was very dictating, very traditional, very–in some ways, she could be

very mean. She was mad at my father [who was murdered], she was mad at my sister’s

father [who died from AIDS], she took it out on us. We’re the closest thing to them so she

would take it out on us. The day after my mom died [from AIDS], she’s [grandmother]

telling me how awful I am, and how I have so much to do with it [her mother’s death],

because I couldn’t be a better kid! ...She told me never to come back. That I could [only]

go back to see my sister’s dead body [when she too died from AIDS], because I need to

see what I did to my sister, that’s what she told me! My grandmother just says things

without thinking –hurtful things.

The second story has a different tone and outcome. A nineteen-year-old boy told me the

story to illustrate how he and his sister prompted a turnaround in his biological mother’s

behavior just before she died.

My mother started drinking when we moved back to Tampa. She would burn dinner

when she was drunk. And, she would drive drunk and get into accidents. And at times I

would have to drive her home when I was too young, 14 or 15, to have a license. One

time me and my sister wrote her a letter [explaining everything that was happening] and

we were like, ‘hey look, it’s either the alcohol or us.’ And, she finally gave it up. ...She

started being real good with us. ...At the end, [before she died from AIDS] my mom was

real good with us.

with the use of stories as a major tool for persuasion. Thinking back to our own childhoods, I’m

sure we all remember times when we or someone else in our family used stories to convince

other family members to think or do things. In this way, we use stories to convince other family

members to recognize our points of view.

(4) Stories help us to dream, both as individual family members and as family units

Stories from the past help us plan for the future. If we can place an experience, or several

experiences, into a narrative form, then we can decide what to do differently or similarly in the

future. Because of the difficult circumstance that many orphaned children experience, they often

dream of a better future. In addition, they more clearly understand that their dreams rest on their

actions as opposed to relying on family guidance. The first story here is from a teenage

Vietnamese refugee, who grew up in poverty. His story and dreams are similar to the immigrant

stories we have grown up hearing as children in the United States.

[Because I grew up in poverty] I just want to concentrate on my goal, you know, in the

medical profession. I want to become a doctor one day. ...Right now I try not to worry too

much about girls. ...I feel like my goal is more important and when I become the person I

want to be, you know, when I become independent and financially independent, maybe

then I can start dating. Right now, it’s just not a good time.

Many orphaned children fantasize about what their parents must be like. They look and

listen for the slightest hints about their biological families. Even when information is limited

they can create idealized pictures of their biological parents in their minds from the few stories
they’ve heard. Here a young woman talks about her biological mother and father. She never met

either of them and all the information she received about them came from her adoptive parents.
 Oh yes, I remember, I have that conversation [about my orphaning] with

her [my mother] a lot, because I would, I guess, talk to her, think about her, try to

relate to her, because I felt like maybe this was the only person that could have

understood me; that could have helped me make some sense of some stuff, but,

she’s dead.

But the father, that’s always been a thing. I think the reality has always

scared me so much about who he might have been. I guess, I hoped realistically

that he was just a high school boy, maybe a senior or a little bit older, but not in

his thirty’s or forty’s or something like that. Hopefully not related or anything like

that. But, I always had silly fantasies about people like Paul McCartney or Jim

Morrison. ...I thought, ‘maybe it could have happened, why not?, you know.’

...It’s that whole kind of hero mythology or fantasy that I created about him. But

in reality I know–hopefully–he was just some slightly older teenage dweeb, who

may or may not have known that he got her pregnant. Who probably, if he did

know, did exactly what I would expect a young guy to do, which is run for the

hills. I mean, she was only fourteen…! …I seriously doubt I will ever put any

effort into trying to find him. Because I’m really scared about who he could turn

out to be in reality.

From these excerpts we get a sense that there is a perception of a future for the speakers.

The young man is contemplating his career based on the poverty in his past, and the

young woman is contemplating searching for her extended biological family based on the

stories she’s created in her head from the few bits and pieces of information she has about

her biological parents. Again, considering our own childhoods, it’s only natural to set or
goals based on the experiences we’ve had. We think of the stories we hold (e.g. how well

we did at...., what happened to..., etc.) and we know our strengths, or likes, or fears, and

the such. From this knowledge, we can plan for the future. This is the way we use stories

to help us to dream, both as individual family members and as family units.

I have one final comment about the storytelling process within families. Every

family unit has its codes that trigger often-repeated stories. For example, when my

niece’s children call me their “Great Uncle Dennis” it is the code to remember the stories

of how I played with their mother when she was a child; the stories of my wild side as an

adolescent; the stories of me as a child growing up with their great-grandparents (my

foster parents); more recent stories of the past few Thanksgivings that I’ve spent with

them, and so forth. These code statements are found in all families. The simple mention

of a name can trigger the stories that surround that person, or a mere remark about an

event causes all the old experiences of that event to surface. Often these are fun

conversations, because we are looking backwards in time. We do not have to cope with

the stress we felt at the time of the event. Even the trauma of orphaning can be minimized

by adult orphans when the orphaning is treated historically. These code words and code

comments are wonderful vehicles for rich and fulfilling family conversations. Use them

often and then sit back and enjoy the stories that emerge.
 Notes

1
Storytelling, in narrative form, as a means of inquiry is critically examined by a

growing number of contemporary scholars who strongly advanced the value of narrative

analysis in research. A few of the more well known communication scholars, who have

laid the foundations for these contemporary critical studies: Bateson, 1989; Bruner, 1987,

1990; Burke, 1968; Coles, 1989; Davis, 1999; Fisher, 1984; Frank, 1995; Gergen &

Gergen, 1983, 1988; Gergen, 1992; Goffman, 1959; Polkinghorne, 1988; Richardson,

1990, 1992.
2
The narratives used in this chapter were all collected between 1996-2002. All

interviewees in this research have allowed their comments to be used for my continued

work, but for the purposes of anonymity, I have not used the actual names of any

participants.
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