5 Secrets to a Stress-Free, Happy, Healthy

Family
Ah, family life. Dirty socks on the floor, that empty toilet paper roll (again!)—they can
become sources of stress that build into real discontent. Add juggling your kids, parents,
partner, and job—all during a recession—and its no wonder were short on fun. It doesnt have
to be that way, though. Our simple do-it-today steps will help you build a strong, happy,
healthier family.

1. Eat, play, love

These easy ways to reconnect with your family can help create a really positive dynamic.

Fun up family meals. We know that eating together can boost achievement in children,
lower the chance for eating disorders in girls, and lower depression rates in both girls and
boys. But that doesnt mean meals have to be serious, formal affairs. Simple, humorous rituals
are what children remember as adults. Try a monthly “backward day,” serving breakfast for
dinner and vice versa, or watch Saturday-morning cartoons together over breakfast. “Silly
things that dont cost a dime will bring you closer together,” says Michele Borba, EdD, author
of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

Stay home, stay together. Tape a note to the telephone that says “No!” to remind you not to
spread yourself too thin, especially during the holidays. Its fine to make cupcakes for the
school party, but do it with your child. And staying home for a night of reading Christmas
books or watching movies may be a lot more meaningful to your family than a flurry of
parties or caroling. “Reading aloud, in particular, is a great way to stimulate family
conversation,” Borba says.

Be the cool parents. Creating a welcoming space for your kids and their friends is one of the
smartest things you can do, so install a basketball goal and stock up on board and video
games and healthy snacks. “As your kids get older, they tend to befriend others with similar
values and interests,“ Borba says. “You can find out a lot about your child by who they hang
with.”

Create (and uphold) boundaries. Families that set strict, clear expectations for their
children are happier, according to Scott Haltzman, MD, author of The Secrets of Happy
Families. “Kids may tell you they want to be free, but the idea is actually frightening to
them,” he says. Make sure your children know and understand family rules.

Have an adventure. A vacation breaks down the traditional way of doing things. In fact,
being in a new place increases dopamine (feel-good chemicals) in the brain, which helps
bring everyone closer together, Dr. Haltzman says. Research also shows that people who give
(time or money) are happier, he says: “Its important that children learn that they are not the
center of the universe and that they can have an impact on the world around them.” Volunteer
at a local soup kitchen or shelter, Dr. Haltzman says. If time is tight, ask your children to
donate a portion of their allowance to a charity of their choice, and tell them youll match it.
Celebrate your history. Sharing details from your family tree will help your kids feel like
they belong to something greater than themselves and make them feel more grounded says
David Niven, PhD, author of The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy Families. If your kids dont
have the opportunity to talk to their grandparents, look through old photo albums with them
and share family memories, stories, and adventures.

Start texting. Although your first inkling may be to skip any technology you dont quite
know how to use (or that you think might get in the way of family closeness), theres one
trend you should jump on: texting. “Its one of the best ways to stay plugged in to your kids
life,” Borba says. “A simple, short ‘How are you? keeps you in their mind.” And its an easy
way to say, “I love you” without embarrassment. It may not be the text your kid shows
around to his or her friends, but this modern-day version of the note in the lunchbox can help
keep your family connected.

Next Page: Stop Fighting About Money, Honey [ pagebreak ]

2. Stop Fighting About Money, Honey

Couples fight about money more than anything else. Heres how to find peace, from Healths
money expert Lynnette Khalfani-Cox.

No secrets. When it comes to your finances, follow the three Ds: disclose, discuss, decide.
First establish a financial goal (saving for a house, eliminating debt, starting a business).
Next, tally up loans, debts, and expenses, and talk about how you can shrink this number.
Also, discuss overall spending behaviors and ways to save, and commit to going forward as a
family with your financial goal in mind. “You can diminish financial squabbles when
everyone is on the same page, and there are no spending secrets,” Khalfani-Cox says.

Make it a game. Once youre committed to lowering your debt or saving a certain amount,
have fun doing it. Comparison shop for everything—and dont stop at the Sunday paper.
Thanks to the Internet, coupons and saving codes can save you hundreds of dollars. Try
Coupons.com or CouponCabin.com to find deals on anything from cereal to contact lenses.
Or, if you have a specific purchase, try googling “coupons” with the name. For instance,
typing in “coupons” and “Dell” for the new laptop youre buying may get results. “It may not
work every time, but its worth trying,” Khalfani-Cox says.

Have a little stash. While secret hoarding is bad, some couples like to have their own money
to spend on whatever they wish, which is understandable and healthy, Khalfani-Cox says. Set
aside some funds each month for yourself (or your partner) only. You can save the money or
splurge it as you wish, as long as its part of the big-picture budget.

Get help. If youre not good at managing money or bargaining, have someone do it for you.
Visit Web sites like LowerMyBills.com to compare prices on your existing bills with less-
expensive options. Or find a money advisor or counselor at National Foundation for Credit
Counseling.

Next Page: Keep the 'Happy' in Your Marriage

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Keep the “Happy” in Your Marriage
Almost half of all marriages in the United States end in divorce. We hope these simple ways
to reconnect can help turn the tide.

Rediscover marital bliss. Yes, theres actually a mathematics of blissful relationships, says
psychologist John Gottman, PhD, a professor emeritus of psychology at the University of
Washington and executive director of the Relationship Research Institute. To make marriage
work, he says, you only need to know this ratio: 5 to 1. For every negative interaction—a
complaint, a disagreement, an outright argument—there must be at least five positive
interactions—a compliment, a smile, a touch, a shared laugh, a favor, a reference to a happy
event, an expression of gratitude, and so on.

These happy moments, Gottman says, show that the couple is “working hard to create a
culture of appreciation rather than criticism.” By offering simple acts of kindness, a couple
creates what Gottman calls “emotional money in the bank,” currency they need to repair the
relationship after a conflict. The truth is, he says, even people who argue frequently can be
perfectly happy together as long as their positive encounters outweigh their negative
interactions. Simple ways to go positive: kiss hello and good-bye, thank each other for
performing even routine household chores, look up and smile whenever your spouse enters
the room, be loyal (suppress that temptation to correct the timeline of a story hes telling or to
recount an episode he finds embarrassing), and let the little things go.

Navigate the joys and jolts of parenthood. First comes love, then comes marriage, then
comes … mayhem. Becoming parents may seem like the natural next step after marriage, but
the surprising truth is that having a baby is awfully hard on a marriage, according to Gottman
and his wife, Julie Gottman, authors of And Baby Makes Three. In more than 69 percent of all
marriages, marital satisfaction actually plunges after a babys born—in part, because of
physical and financial stresses, but also because women and men experience parenthood
differently. The Gottmans have identified specific behaviors that help marriages weather the
storm of new parenthood. Some of them worth trying:

For dads: Pitch in; the ultimate aphrodisiac to a new mom is a changed diaper or a
nighttime shift.
For moms: Let dad do things his way; dont criticize if the diaper isnt quite as tight
when its his turn.
For both: Make sure sex doesnt become an afterthought—in fact, schedule it.

Put the romance back into your life. The usual dinner-and-a-movie date, it turns out, doesnt
serve married couples very well. It gives you a chance to reconnect or, at least, conduct an
uninterrupted conversation. If what you want from date night is a way to fall in love all over
again, though, Saturday night after Saturday night at the movies has nothing to offer you,
research says. Want to add that spark? Try an entirely different kind of date.

According to Arthur Aron, the State University of New York professor of social psychology
who conducted the research, new experiences flood the brain with dopamine and
norepinephrine, the same chemicals that are implicated in early romantic love. For married
couples, simply doing new things together—trying a new food, taking a class together,
visiting a new place, or one of the other suggestions in 10 Ways to Shake Up Date
Night—can re-create the chemical surges of new love. And when those feelings are
associated with and shared by a partner, the dopamine high results in fresh feelings of love. In
other words, your brain cant tell the difference between falling in love with someone new and
trying something new with someone you love.

Next Page: Dont Sweat the Small Stuff [ pagebreak ]

4. Dont Sweat the Small Stuff

Our happy-family kit of tips and tricks will help you deal with (or avoid) some of the
common annoyances of family life.

Getting chores done

Solution: “We make a job wheel for cleaning bathrooms, walking pets, doing laundry, doing
dishes, setting the table, and sweeping. Each day we move the wheel one spot to the right so
everyone is doing a different job every day. Everything gets done, and no one complains …
too loudly.” —Ruth Haswell, Tuscaloosa, Ala.

Tardiness
“I text my son the time, place, and where to meet, so there is no room for error—or
compromise.” —Patricia Blizinski, Detroit

Messy eaters
“I have toddlers, so before we eat I cover the surrounding floor with newspaper. After the
kids are finished, I scoop up the newspaper and everything is clean.” —Amy Johnson,
Yardville, N.J.

Those darn socks

“To keep socks from getting lost and misplaced, we initial all of them with a permanent
marker. We throw them in a basket after theyre washed, and its up to each person to find a
matching pair.” —Norma Kramer, Dubuque, Iowa

No toilet paper!
“I always end up with the empty roll, so Ive filled baskets with extra rolls and magazines and
put one in each bathroom.” —Leah Moir, knoxville, Tenn.

Annoying noises
“At dinner, Im outnumbered by crunching, gulping, elbows-on-the-table guys, so I put on the
local jazz station to drown them out.” —Mamie Walling, Cullman, Ala.

“Im starving!”
“We post a weekly schedule so we can plan dinners in advance. This way, there is always
something thawed in the fridge and ready to heat up, and no meals are prepared for an empty
table.” —Kim Socha, Clinton Township, Mich.

Next Page: Stay Sane in the Sandwich Zone [ pagebreak ]5. Stay Sane in the Sandwich
Zone
About 44 percent of adults (up to 75 percent of them women) juggle a multi-generational
household, a job, and a life. Here, how to keep it together.

Dont go it alone. Alert the need-to-know people in your life (teachers, coaches, boss, car
pool) about your family situation and how it may influence your effort or participation. If
your parent requires physical help, consider a geriatric-care manager who is trained to deal
with specific illnesses and disabilities. For financial help, visit the Administration of Aging or
the National Family Caregivers Association.

Square away legal issues. When taking care of an elder, make sure they designate a power
of attorney for financial matters and a health-care power of attorney for health decisions, says
elder-care expert Carol Abaya, creator of The Sandwich Generation lectures and seminars.

Let perfection go. “You cant do it all, and you cant do it perfectly,” says Donna Schempp,
program director for the Family Caregiver Alliance. “Give up the obsessive things like a
superclean house and dinner at a certain time, and focus your energyon enjoying the people in
your life.”

Be frank with your kids. Tell them everything they need to know about the special needs of
their grandparent and how they can contribute to the family. “One advantage to the situation
is teaching them values and how to care and be respectful of the elderly,” Schempp says.
Doing chores and spending time with grandma or grandpa will help kids learn responsibility.

Blow off steam. Take care of yourself by talking it out with your best friend or a therapist.
“You may think youre burdening someone with your problems, but the most important thing
to do is to talk, laugh, yell, and complain about the situation,” Schempp says. Also, dedicate
at least 30 minutes a day to something you enjoy—gardening, watching a sitcom—to help
reduce stress.