By the same author

How About a Sin Tonight?

 Published by Random House India in 2013 purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable
copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution
Copyright © Novoneel Chakraborty 2013 or use of this text may be a direct infringement
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 For ‘If you are accustomed to see only black
my Iron Lady. and white,
I love you didi then you’ll never see me.’

Later in the story

SHARADA was undisturbed though. They
were climbing the stairs of Sharada
HEIGHTS Heights; a five storey apartment. By
NEAR the time they reached the third
TANK floor, both of them were soaking
wet.
NO. 4
‘Just like a river has different
SALT names as it traverses different
LAKE, territories,’ the girl said climbing
KOLKATA the stairs. The boy was ahead of her
but she was breathing harder than
him. ‘Our love too shall have
‘N ow tell me, what were you
saying?’ asked the boy rapidly
different names as our life traverses
different births. But the essence, the
climbing the stairs with nervous nature, the taste of love shall
energy. His attention towards the remain the same,’ she continued.
girl, who was ardently trying to They continued to climb the
catch up with him from behind,
stairs. beneath a pair of black jeans,
It was around midnight. No peeped out from the half-open
moon, no stars. Only black clouds. door. The sound of heavy rain hit
There was heavy rain, though, with their ears. They slowly stepped out
an interlude of lightening and on the wet terrace.
thunder. There was no one on the The moment they stepped out in
streets. Everyone everywhere the open, the rhythmic beating of
seemed to be fast asleep. And just the raindrops on the floor muted all
when everything seemed like a other sounds. The sky seemed to
prelude to an impending doom, the relentlessly kiss the earth—just the
old door of the terrace of Sharada way lovers kiss when they meet
Heights opened with a creaking each other after a long time or for
sound. The sound lingered in the the last time. Does the sky and earth,
air for some time. the girl wondered, gossip about
The girl, dressed in a blue top spring, summer, and winter through
and cropped trousers, and the boy, raindrops?
wearing a white T-shirt tucked The girl and the boy, grasping
each other’s hands more firmly as how much they loved each other. It
the rains drenched them, stood still. wasn’t that they didn’t realize it
For the world, perhaps, it would before, but the journey from a ‘gut
have been just another abrupt feeling’ to a ‘concrete knowing’
shower that year, but for them it happened at that instant. They kept
was the first rain of confession in looking into each other’s eyes. The
eras that was drenching them. rain by then had polished off their
There are certain relationships appearance, transforming them
which don’t necessarily start when from stones into glistening
two people meet. Even their first diamonds that emanated an
meeting has the vibe of an alluring desire for the other. Desire
unexplained continuation. The girl gives love its wings—they
and the boy were in one such understood.
relationship even from the time The boy took her to the edge of
they were not in a relationship. the terrace. He stood up on the
Standing under the rain, cemented barricade that fenced the
together, they finally understood terrace, and then pulled up the girl
beside him. She was visibly scared. its secrets, in all its nudity.
The boy feigned his fear better. The boy brought his hand to the
They were standing on the edge girl’s inquisitive face and tucked a
facing each other. The girl didn’t let strand of her wet hair behind her
go of his hand even for a second. ear. He then cupped her face gently
They stood so close to each other with both his hands. For her, it was
that they could feel their breaths on like a giant dream within the tiny
each other’s skin. Their breaths, by capsule of reality. For him, it was a
caressing their skin, soon gave birth certain reality inside an uncertain
to a feeling in them whose wail drop of a dream.
drew their heart’s attention. The A few raindrops trickled down
latter asked the feeling what it was her forehead. The boy interrupted
seeking. A kiss; the feeling told the one raindrop with the tip of his
heart. The latter was instantly alert tongue. When a promise and a
because a kiss was the heart’s only prayer come together, a
way to share its deepest secret with commitment is created. She was the
the soul. Should the kiss happen, promise, he was the prayer, and the
the heart will have to bare open all
unprecedented feeling their kiss The girl felt nothing for some time
triggered within them was the after which she opened her eyes to
commitment. realize her deepest core had
Why this commitment? her mind evolved. An irreversible ritual had
asked her heart. This commitment is taken place in her heart. With this
an assurance, her heart answered the new self, now, she sucked his lips.
mind. Did his heart undergo a similar ritual
‘That I’ll choose him in whatever too? she wondered. Soon the two
form, and whenever, he presents tongues prattled amidst the
himself in front of me. It’s not torrential rainfall.
because our choice will claim we The fear the girl had felt after
are the best for each other. But just climbing up the cemented
like a student passing out from a barricade had now been conquered.
school knows the basic of Trust, after all, rinses a heart of
everything, we would be the basic almost every fear, eventually. Hope
of each other.’ takes care of whatever residual.
The boy sucked hard on her lips. Their lips parted. Nothing will
be able to wash his imprints off her The beats seemed to have
now, she knew. As their eyes met graduated from mere sounds to a
again, she wondered whether she language through which she was
really existed or had she been a translating what the boy had
mere fragment of his imagination penned on her heart with the ink of
all these years? Could it be that she love.
was leading a life of death till now? A minute passed by. They kept
And when he happened to her, life exchanging furtive glances gravid
happened? with romance. As the hypnotizing
The boy, in an indescribable moment was busy making a space
trance, sat down by the cemented within their hearts which both
barricade. He pulled the girl’s hand would visit every time a separation
as an invitation to come and sit beckoned, the boy leaned sideways
close to him—and she did. The and kissed her on the cheek. She
outside was chaotic, the inside gave him a half-nervous, half-shy
calm. In that calmness she could smile. She leaned a little more
hear her heartbeats loud and clear. towards him and they kissed again.
Only this time the kiss made them boy as they stood facing the other.
slowly swing between life and ‘I love you because that’s my best
death, love and despair, destiny bet to mean something to you. My
and coincidence, choice and love for you is only a means to an
consequence, decadence and end. And the end is I want to mean
redemption, forgiveness and something to you.’
revenge, light and darkness, The girl couldn’t hold back her
sexuality and spirituality, blame tears. Crying is the heart’s way of
and guilt, consciousness and embracing pain. And love.
subconsciousness, instinct and ‘I don’t know how long this
experience, fame and oblivion, separation of death will be, but
future and… until life gives us a chance to meet
The kiss broke. They sat by the again, my soul shall be burning,’
edge of the terrace for some more she said with tears rolling down her
time; hand in hand. Finally, they cheeks. In the rain, however, the
both stood up. tears lost their distinction.
‘I had to tell you this…’ said the The boy’s body was shaking
from an inner catharsis.
‘Just promise me one thing,’ the
Chapter 1
girl said, locking her fingers with
the boy’s.
‘What?’ The boy held her hand Six months back
tight.
‘Even if death touches us, you
shall always remember me as A middle-aged man is pacing
about restlessly in a
yours?’ sophisticated lobby. He is semi-
The boy nodded. bald, lean, almost to the level of
It was time to carry out their being skinny, wearing black cotton
plan. trousers, a plain white half-sleeved
shirt, and shining brown Khadim’s
sandals. He casts an occasional
glance at his wrist watch. 7.45 pm.
He has been waiting in the foyer
for the last half an hour, along with
a few others perched at the edge of particularly notices her because she
their seats, nervously waiting for has raised her hand a little to draw
the receptionist to announce their his attention. Also, she is his wife.
names. She has come dressed in a
The man adjusts his square- gorgeous chiffon sari with a
shaped spectacles a little and stands matching blouse and sandals.
up. He soon locates what he is Unlike the other ladies present
looking for; a water cooler at the around her, she has applied oodles
end of the hallway. He ambles of makeup on her face. At her age,
towards it, takes out a paper glass her overall dressing looks loud and
from a stack beside the cooler, and bizarre. Even though the air-
pours himself some cold water. He conditioner in the room is on full
quaffs the water in one go and then blast, the woman keeps pretending
pours himself another glass. The to wipe non-existent sweat drops
moment he gulps it, his eyes fall on from her forehead and cheeks with
a woman right ahead in the foyer her handkerchief. Her hair is jet
where he was sitting. The man black, almost like she is wearing a
wig. joins his wife, Sonakshi. The
As the man by the water cooler urgency in their demeanour alarms
fills a glass of water for his wife, an the onlookers.
intercom buzzes loudly, breaking In his head, Atul had formed a
the otherwise brittle silence to picture of the woman they are
pieces. The receptionist, a young about to meet—middle aged, well
female sitting behind a semi- past her menopause, and a strict
circular table at one end of the feminist. There was no particular
entrance, picks up the receiver on reason why Atul had that image of
the second ring. the woman. But the person waiting
‘Yes ma’am,’ she says. After a for them shatters his perception
few seconds, she calls out to the completely. This is a girl, and not a
man by the water cooler, ‘Mr woman to begin with. She is
Chatterjee, please go in. You’re wearing a crisp business suit, her
next.’ hair is neatly done up with a couple
Atul Chatterjee quickly empties of loose strands falling on either
his glass in the cooler’s sink and side of her face. She is sitting
straight with her hands clasped The couple come in with a
together on the large woooden pseudo-smartness about them and
table behind which she is sitting—a take seats opposite the girl.
very corporate pose. Her black Sonakshi gives the girl a plastic
carbon square specs suit her oval smile and says, ‘Mr Dasgupta
face well. recommended you to us.’
‘Good evening ma’am. May we ‘Dasgupta?’ There is a slight
please come in?’ Atul says hoping twitch in the girl’s eyebrow as if
he has subdued his male ego she is trying to recollect.
enough in his voice. Rarely before ‘Bibhash Dasgupta…’
has Atul ever needed anyone’s ‘Oh yes, I remember.’
permission for anything. But this, of Atul and Sonakshi share an
course, is different. assuring glance presuming that if
‘Yes please Mr…’ The girl the girl has finally recollected who
glances at her iPad once, kept Bibhash is, their own importance in
beside her, and says, ‘Atul her eyes would have escalated.
Chatterjee.’ ‘It’s about my son,’ says Sonakshi
uneasily. Atul and Sonakshi exchange a
‘Where is he?’ The girl— nervous look.
realizing her mobile phone is ‘I’m ready to give you as much
vibrating—turns it upside down. money as you want.’ Atul’s
The vibration ceases. Sonakshi helplessness is quite transparent by
makes a mental note of the fact that now.
the girl didn’t take the call. She ‘It’s not about the money,’ the
herself wouldn’t have appreciated girl says with an unflinching look
any disturbance at this point of towards Atul. Only her jaw moves
time. as she speaks, like she is a
‘If you want to talk about your programmed robot.
son, you’ll have to bring him here,’ ‘Please do something,’ pleads
the girl says. Sonakshi. The helplessness has
‘That’s the problem. We can’t possessed Sonakshi equally. ‘We
bring him here,’ Atul says. have come here with a lot of hope.’
‘Then I’m afraid I won’t be able The girl keeps staring at the
to help you.’ woman as if she is trying to judge
whether the mother’s concern Atul quickly brings out his
behind the painted face is real or mobile phone and hands it over to
not. the girl. His phone has the
‘What’s your son’s name?’ she photograph of his son on the home
asks. screen.
‘Neel,’ Atul blurts out. The girl stares at the photograph.
A slight frown appears on the A touch longer than necessary. She
girl’s face. Her jaws lock themselves gives the phone back to Atul.
and in the next instance releases. ‘Excuse me,’ she says and goes to
Her eyes swiftly studies Atul and the washroom, her heart pounding
Sonakshi sitting in front of her. hard.
Something about their appearance Inside the washroom, she stands
tells her that she isn’t seeing them by the washbasin for some time
for the first time. She unfolds her pondering over something. She
hands, slowly takes off her specs, looks up at her reflection. It looks
and says, ‘Do you have any surprisingly happier than what she
photograph of your son?’ is feeling from within.
 The girl slowly comes out of her
business suit. She unbuttons her Chapter 2
white formal shirt and takes it out
too. Next she unhooks her bra. She
turns around and tries to see her
back in the mirror atop the ROOM NO. 332
washbasin. In the reflection she can HOTEL SAVOY RAJ
see several burn marks. She caresses MG ROAD, JAIPUR
the few marks near her shoulder
and breaks into a sadistic laughter.
‘You had your chance, Neel N eel Chatterjee is climbing up
the stairs to the third floor of
Chatterjee. And you fucked me the hotel. He does so a little too
good. Now it’s my turn. I’ll fuck you quickly than his usual speed, hence
bad.’ The girl tells her reflection. he ends up gasping for breath.
Blame his speed on the message he
received a minute back on his
mobile phone from the girl who, he
knows, is waiting inside room 332 As the door slowly opens up,
for him. The message read: I’m wet. light peeps in the room from the
And before that he had seen her tubelight in the corridor outside in
slip off her bra from her shoulder, the otherwise dark room. And
standing by the roadside-view somewhere from the darkness he
window in her room, when he was hears her say, ‘What’s the most
entering the hotel gate. important thing in your life Neel?’
Now, standing in front of room As he takes some time to speak,
332’s half ajar door, Neel waits to Neel locks the door behind him.
bring his breathing back to normal The room is completely dark now.
first; two deep breaths and he feels The girl throws a packet of
better. Next he presses his erect condoms at Neel.
penis between his legs. He doesn’t ‘We’ll need this in sometime, not
want to make things too obvious immediately.’
for the girl inside the room. He Neel wishes he knew what ‘this’
takes one final breath and pushes was that the girl threw at him.
the door open. ‘It’s a pack of condoms.’ The
girl’s voice clarifies from the falling, in a sensual rhythm, with
darkness as if she is reading his her slow but deep breaths. He can
mind. tell both her smile and her breasts
‘Answer me now,’ she adds. Her are blatantly attention-seeking. In
voice is strict yet soft. fact everything about the girl seems
‘I don’t know,’ Neel says staring like black magic. He feels an insane
at the darkness ahead, ‘Probably to pull towards her, just like an
soon become a published author?’ unscrupulous man would feel for a
The girl switches on the bedside woman apt for his most primitive
light. The room is now filled with a need.
soft erotic yellowish tinge. She The girl has a mysterious aura
smiles at him. The room has one about her. When she looks at him
television, one single bed, two with a certain quietude, Neel feels
lamps, a centre table, a telephone, a like he is standing alone in front of
wardrobe, and a mirror. As Neel a vast ocean which can throw up
looks at the girl, he notices that her gigantic waves any moment to
firm erect breasts are rising and swallow him. And when she talks
to him, it’s a sandstorm; he doesn’t Titiksha knows is that he is
know what to focus on—her attending the Jaipur Literary
moving lips, her blinking eyes, or Festival. He even told her the
her animatedly moving hands. For mobile network is weak where he is
the time being, Neel decides to putting up and thus he won’t be
focus only on her smile. able to take her calls. In reality he
‘Strip. And be quick,’ the girl has removed his mobile phone’s
says and switches off the light. battery while coming up to the
Neel’s mind is already bouncing room so that his number is
off thoughts about his girlfriend unreachable. The girl had remarked
Titiksha. How would she react if that she hated interruptions. It has
she saw him like this? He had taken only been two days and three
a decision twenty days ago and that nights since he met her and he is
punched a hole in his five-year-old already more loyal to her than his
‘steady’ relationship with Titiksha. half-a-decade old girlfriend.
Before tonight, he never knew he Men!
had the guts to cheat on her. All Right now, he only wants to live
in the moment. The guilt, the moral piece of glass from under his feet
bugs, and the canines of with a distorted expression.
relationship ethics—they can all ‘Pleasure is more exciting when
wait. you get to it by confronting pain,’
Neel has taken off his black the girl hisses.
jacket, pullover, tee, trousers, shoes, A confused Neel somehow
and socks. He is about to tug his manages to stand straight as he
underwear down when the girl notices the girl sitting on the bed.
switches on the light and says, She is only wearing a pair of shorts.
‘Keep that on.’ ‘Some Tequila?’ she asks holding
And he does. up a bottle.
‘Come to me,’ she says. He ‘Fine with me.’ Neel keeps the
follows. other bottle of alcohol he had
A couple of steps and Neel brought with himself on a nearby
shrieks out with pain. shelf.
‘There are glass pieces all over,’ He observes how swiftly she
he complains pulling out a sharp readies a shot of Tequila for him.
Her preparation surprises him from her shoulder line, gulps the
because it means she knew he shot, and sucks the lime which she
would give in. Men are pretty has kept in her mouth with the
straight that way. Women, on the juicy side outward. The sucking
other hand, are always a work of seems like a small mouth-duel.
translation. If you want to get to a For the next shot, the girl lies
woman’s essence, you have to read down on the bed and spreads the
her in the language she has salt on her navel and puts another
originally been written in, and not lime wedge on her mouth with the
the one she has been translated juicy side out. Neel licks the salt,
in t o. What’s her original language? making sure he has every grain of it
Neel wonders and watches her in his mouth—even the ones which
spread a pinch of salt on her bare have gone inside her belly button.
shoulder line. He gulps the Tequila and sucks the
‘Take your shot Tiger,’ he hears lime harder this time. While licking
her say with intent. the salt, he feels her squirming
Neel goes to her, licks up the salt sexily. It arouses him.
 For the third shot, the girl rubs other side of the bed and going
the salt on her lower lip. She is around it to reach him. Somehow
holding the lime in one hand and the more time she takes to get to
the Tequila shot in another. First the final act, the more fire Neel can
the salt, then the shot, and as Neel feel in his loins.
is about to suck the lime, she moves ‘Look out!’ Neel warns her but
her hand upwards. Neel tries to by then she has already stepped on
reach it, she moves it downwards. a tiny glass piece.
Neel suddenly grabs her hand, ‘Pain has become such an
sucks the lime, and compulsively intrinsic part of me that it has
kisses her on the lips till she pushes stopped disturbing me anymore,’
him away. she says. Neel is amazed to see that
He distances himself presuming she doesn’t even flinch even once
she has taken offense. though a glass piece has pierced her
‘I’m sorry,’ Neel apologizes feet. She plucks out the glass like
wiping his mouth. it’s nothing.
She reacts by getting up from the She is standing right in front of
Neel now. He looks down at her you,’ she says with an air of
breasts. Her chocolate brown mystery.
nipples seem tight. It calls for a The intensity of the statement
high degree of will-power to avert makes Neel glance at the bed. He
his eyes from the nipples and look can visualize their bare bodies on
up at her. the bed in a carnal wrestle.
‘You told me what’s important ‘Okay,’ he manages to blurt with
in your life. Won’t you like to know a semi-dry throat.
the most important thing in my The girl raises her heels slightly
life?’ she says caressing his chest to stand on her toes and reach his
softly with her fingertips. All Neel ears. From his left ear she licks him
can manage is a subtle nod. downwards, with the tip of her
‘Okay. I’ll do something to you tongue and stops at his shoulder
now. It’s the code for the most blade.
important thing in my life. You ‘Clue number one,’ she says
have to decode it if you want me looking straight at his eyes. She
tonight right there on the bed with then kneels down next and slowly
encircles his belly button with her downwards from left and then a
tongue. She does so with a fervour slanting lick upwards towards
Neel always wanted to see in right.
Titiksha but never did. He wonders ‘Three,’ she murmurs and stands
if they are in a dream and if he will right up on her toes, reaching his
wake up soon? But how should he right ear. She licks him there as if
confirm if it’s a dream or not? making two ‘C’s; one below the
Probably if he never wakes up it’s other.
reality else it’s a dream. But what if ‘And four.’ She smiles at him.
this reality is the biggest dream of ‘Now tell me.’
all? Neel has no idea what the clues
‘Two,’ she whispers next. He stand for. Judging from his face, the
looks down at her but this time girl tells him she can do that only
instead of returning his look, she once more for him. This time Neel
goes further down and moves her is able to make sense of it. The lick
tongue over his underwear, on his from his left ear, down to the side
crotch: first a slanting lick of the neck, and then towards her
right following his shoulder blade ‘Take me to bed Neel.’
seems like an ‘L’? The encircling of As he picks her up, she looks
the belly button is an ‘O’. The deep into his eyes and says, ‘There
slanting lick downwards and then are two kinds of love: one that
upwards is a ‘V’, and the final licks exists because it has never been
on the ear—a ‘C’ below a ‘C’— tested, and one that lives on
could be… because it has passed all its tests.
‘I got it.’ Neel sounds relieved What kind of love do you have for
more than anything else. Titiksha?’
‘The word is L. O. V. E.,’ he says. Neel doesn’t care to answer.
The girl sucks in both her cheeks Instead he places her on the bed.
a little and pouts her lips looking at He is about to kiss her when he
him with an intent which smells of notices she has tears in her eyes.
raw lust. ‘What happened?’ Of all things,
‘Congrats. You’ve just won Neel hadn’t expected her to cry.
yourself a ticket to a lot of places ‘I told you I’m wet.’
inside you.’ A pause later she adds, Before Neel can understand
what she means, she forcibly bites
his left ear. Chapter 3

WHO EXACTLY IS NEEL

CHATTERJEE?

C ouples fight. The ones that

don’t, smile unnecessarily all
the time. That way they remain at
peace with each other. Sooner or
later, one of the two gets bored
with the peace in their relationship,
and then start talking honestly
about it. Next, they fight.
Titiksha and I have been a couple
for four years, ten months, and Her anger is one of the sexiest
twenty-one days. I have never things about her. And if you are a
understood why we fight. But we guy, or a girl who has a guy in her
do. Not all the time. In fact, it life, you will know how
wasn’t like this always. The time involuntary an erection is. It can
when we knew less of each other, happen anytime, anywhere, and for
things were better. A relationship is any reason. Or at times for no
always allergic to possessiveness, reason at all. I was trying to fight
giving it rashes of insecurity. Titiksha’s anger, but seeing her in
Titiksha is extremely possessive the taut black shorts and white
about me. Worse, I am insecure spaghetti top which gave me a
about her. glimpse of her bouncing boobs
Two things pissed her off today. every time she shouted at me
One, when I told her I want to be rendered me off track. I didn’t tell
an author. And second, while she her about the bouncing-boobs part
was shouting at me, I told her that I else she would have scratched me
had an erection. I couldn’t help it. bad. Why? Wait, you don’t know
Titiksha yet. I do. She simply needs
an excuse to scratch me with her dry sweat. She doesn’t know it but I
long nails. like her this way; stale. I couldn’t
But she had noticed the erection, convey this to her because she can’t
after all. She told me to stop being even take praise when she is angry.
an animal at odd hours. Going by And if this was not enough, I could
her logic, her horniness is ‘her love also see her nipple poking out from
for me’ and my horniness is an her top. That’s serious distraction,
animalistic trait. I agree we haven’t ask any guy. How could I argue
had sex for a long time now, but I with a girl with her nipples eyeing
wouldn’t have caused such a thing me?
for distraction. I even apologized Coming to the primary thing
stating it wasn’t my fault that she that pissed her off this morning was
looked incorrigibly edible so early my decision to quit my three-year-
in the morning. It was the truth. old managerial job at a private
Her hair was all muffled. The kajal bank. It was the first thing I told
she had applied the previous her when I opened my eyes. She
evening was smudged. She smelt of asked me why I didn’t consult her
or my family about this, and done anything that I thought I
whether I knew how insecure is the should do. Twenty years from now
life of an author, or how she had I’ll be forty-six and I want to use
planned our future. Did I mention these twenty years in-between to
Titiksha is a financial analyst? do things my heart stands for, so
According to her, we would get that after forty-six I don’t waste
married by twenty-eight, have a time having life-consuming-
child by thirty, adopt another by monologues all the time concerning
thirty-two (she says every my self-chosen cowardice. I really
financially stable couple should loved to write but nobody ever
conceive one baby and adopt encouraged me. And now when I
another), and then together we see someone’s novel in the market
would retire by forty-five in some or read about the Indian Publishing
hill station and watch our kids boom in newspapers and
grow. All my life I have lived by magazines, only I know how much
others’ expectations of me. I’m I want to be a part of it.
twenty-seven now. I haven’t yet Of all people, I thought Titiksha
would understand the latent pain have known I can’t tolerate a
associated with the non-realization wasted hard-on. I CAN’T! But she
of my long-nested dream. She said I left. I doubt she must have done a
should have consulted her first. I crash course on how-to-be-rude-to-
don’t understand this. Is being in a your-horny-boyfriend, if that sort
relationship customary to lose one’s of a thing is possible.
individuality? I didn’t feel like Alone, I sit down on the floor.
discussing it with her. Period. Does There is nothing in this rented flat
that mean I don’t love her? Five of ours except a mattress, a few old
years into the relationship, and saris of Titiksha’s mother which we
only this morning I realized how have turned into curtains, two
much we chew on each other’s laundry bags (hers is bigger than
choices. mine), and a small almirah. We
In angst Titiksha left me with an earn considerably well but we
erection. What kind of girlfriend never buy anything for the flat. She
does that? In the five years that never lets me. ‘I’m saving’, is her
we’ve been together, she should excuse. Titiksha is like that—weird
about certain things. basic needs were always met, and
I wipe my face and chest with a hence I concluded my family did
towel. It’s very humid in Kolkata well.
today. I’m only in my knickers. I From the time I was a kid, I was
rest my back on the wall and look kept away from people. Ma once
up at the ceiling. To be precise, I told me I was allergic to some dust
stare at the ceiling fan which is ailment which, if I was exposed to,
rotating furiously. There’s could be fatal. Her statement was
something about its movement never tested so I don’t know if it’s
which makes me ponder… the truth. But then truth is what
As far as I remember—and I one thinks it is, isn’t it?
don’t remember very much—I have Now I have somewhat recovered
always been a loner. Ma was there. in the last few years of the dust
Dad was there. But nobody was ailment. Or so I’m told. I’m free to
there by my side—you know what I roam about freely, though I don’t
mean? I never felt the need for go to many places as such. I live-in
anything except the basics. My with Titiksha here in this rented
flat in the Lake Town area of north well. Perhaps I was too young. Is
Kolkata. My parents let us live-in the ability of making one memory
together because they think we’ll after another so that secretly we
get married eventually, even can be with it at our leisure, one of
though Titiksha and I have never the signs of maturity? In that case I
even discussed marriage yet. matured pretty late. That’s what
Marriage is only a social license to my parents tell me. Hence I never
procreate. Titiksha and my attended school. Not like others.
relationship is more serious than Private tutors used to teach me at
that. We are seeking home while I went to school
companionship and that doesn’t whenever there was a class test or a
need any social licensing. term exam. The other students
Let me tell you something funny. never talked to me. I was an alien
I have a couple of photo albums of to them. I could tell from the way
me in hill stations, beaches, or they looked at me. I was physically
riding a camel in a desert—but I different from them as well—
don’t remember these moments bigger in size. The school uniform
undoubtedly looked funny on me
while I had a definite thick an erection.
moustache compared to the others In a way I was happy to be at
who only had a soft thin line. And home. Within the four walls of my
only I know how disgusting my room, I had my best friend—my
stubble looked in comparison to imagination. Self-talks. Headaches.
others’ supple cheeks. Masturbation. Medicines. Tears.
The girls looked at me with a Smiles, too. And some music. I
sense of pity. One or two smiled. It never read newspapers. Never sat
made me nervous. A girl smiling at in front of a computer until I joined
me is something that petrifies me college. Even the window panes of
the most. No, second most. The my room were done with black
foremost is a girl giving me a flying glasses through which I could see
kiss. It has happened a few times in outside but nobody could see me.
the past. Even now whenever Just imagine eighteen-shit years,
Titiksha and I make love, which is like this! You may ask if I didn’t get
rare, she initiates it. I have a bored or how I hadn’t turned plain
problem initiating anything. Except crazy by the end. I didn’t. Why?
How? I was made to believe that The good thing about being
everyone, by and large, lived alone all the time was that I never
exactly the same life as me—again had to share anything with anyone,
and again and again. I always or I wasn’t ever back-stabbed, never
believed what I was told. Like I wasted time advising anybody
have been told that God is what he or she should do, never
everywhere around us, and killed time by thinking about
humanity within us, and nobody someone. The same thing happened
controls anything. Everyone is after school. I told my parents I
controlled by destiny. That wanted to study computers. Thanks
respecting one’s own religion and to Pritam, a friend whom I lost all
taking part in rituals is important to contact with after school, I made
keep the Gods happy and seek their the decision. What happened was I
blessings. That blessing is stronger saw him cheating during a school
than karma, and so on. Funny thing term exam. He saw me notice it but
is, I believed it all without asking I didn’t complain to the teacher. He
for proof. thought I could have complained
when the reality was the concept of few colleges would have agreed to
cheating was new to me then. I have me as a student. I always had
understood he was cheating much low grades in school. I studied
later. Anyway, so when I went to alright. Teachers said my grasping
school for the next semester class power was pretty low. Surprisingly,
test he gave me a disc, out of I passed AIEEE with better marks
gratitude, saying it was his than most students, and got into a
favourite computer game. I took good college on the outskirts of
the disc alright but had no clue Kolkata to study computers.
what to do with it. I had computers The college was good. The
as a subject then, but all I learned seniors, professors, freshers—
were some silly languages. A everybody kept to themselves.
computer game was alien to me Nobody talked to me. Nobody
back then. I went home and read ragged me. I was dropped at the
whatever was written on the cover. college gate in my father’s car and
That curiosity led me to take up picked up right after college. My
computer science during my academics improved during
graduation but I knew that only
college. I once heard someone say always. To cut a long and boring
real friendship begins in college story short, I have lived a very
hostels. But I could never shitty life than most of the people
experience it. My parents would out there. But tell you what, there
have never agreed to it. They are certain fragrances, if followed
always have been protective about well, take you to that very point in
me. I rarely have any interaction life where everything seems
with them except about what I perfect. Love is one such fragrance.
should or shouldn’t do. And of And it happened when Titiksha
course the medicines. I have joined my college in the second
frequent headaches. I get them year.
since childhood, they say. And for There’s a power cut. The fan
that I have to regularly go for rotation slows down and I come
check-ups, have medicines, and back to the present. I hear the main
answer some irritating questions door open and shut. Titiksha has
thrown at me by doctors. I try hard come. I tell her I knew she would
to avoid going to the clinic but be back. Hearing this she rebukes
headaches get the better of me
me for not reminding her that she
wasn’t wearing a bra while going Chapter 4
out. But how could I? I was
enjoying the bra’s absence. I don’t
tell her this. I only tell her that I
shall stick to what I have decided to HOW DID NEEL MEET THE
do with my life henceforth: that I GIRL?
would be an author and for
inspiration, I shall visit Jaipur in the
coming week for the Jaipur Literary I t’s 7.02 am. The Indigo Airlines
flight touches the aerodrome of
Festival. Titiksha is staring at me Jaipur. This is the first time Neel
now. She shows me both her has come out of Kolkata to a new
middle fingers and asks me to go to city—Jaipur. All his life, his parents
hell. She leaves again, and I shout have made him tread on one single
at her from behind in a mocking track: first school to home-home to
manner. school, and then college to home,
‘I’m going to Jaipur, not hell!’ home to college. It’s only when
Titiksha came into his life that he
started going out a bit—malls, though she is only twenty-five. Is it
cafes, restaurants, even though not because she never had a cohesive
very regularly since Titiksha is a family to begin with that she wants
workaholic. While others would to desperately make one with Neel?
look forward to a Friday night, As a child whatever you think you
Titiksha would look forward to get deserve but miss in life, you go
back to work soon. after it like a hunter dog the
As Neel confessed earlier, the moment you become an adult.
work-obsessed streak in Titiksha is What Titiksha doesn’t know is
only because she wants to secure Neel’s parents have told him that
their future together. She has never they are friends with her family
told Neel much about her family and have no problem with them
except that her parents hate her living together. Neel has kept this
independent streak as much as she family-friendship part a secret from
hates their regressive mindset. And Titiksha fearing her reaction. She
that she has been on her own reacts weirdly at times, and
financially from a long time now violently too, to insignificant
things.
 Twenty minutes after the flight time. But now he has taken a
has parked itself, Neel comes out decision, and his being in Jaipur is a
from the airport exit. It’s a small consequence of it. Life is anyway a
airport and everything is in order. tennis-match of sorts between one’s
There is a sizeable crowd maybe choice and its consequence. As Neel
because of the popular annual ponders which cab to choose,
literary festival, Neel guesses, studying the eager looking faces of
which draws literature lovers to the drivers, a short and stout man
Jaipur from across the globe. with a bushy hairdo and long
As Neel moves out, a few taxi sideburns reminiscence of the 70s,
drivers clog him. Neel feels nervous comes to him pushing the other cab
with this sudden attention but he drivers aside.
doesn’t make it obvious. For a ‘Dur hato madarchodo. Yeh
moment, he thinks he should have mera hai,’ Neel hears him say as the
carried on working in the private man snatches his American
bank in Kolkata. To be where one Tourister bag from him. The other
always is, seems comfortable all the drivers move away to other
passengers. ‘Yes sir sahib. You are Neel
‘Is taraf sir sahib,’ the man says Chatterjee, right sir sahib?’
while walking away from him and ‘That’s right. But who booked a
towards the other side of the road hotel for me? And how do you
where most of the cars are parked. know me?’
Neel follows him urgently lest the ‘I.’ Lappan focusses on the traffic
man steal his Tourister. as he takes a left from a signal.
‘Myself Lappan sir sahib. Your ‘You?’
flight is early or I is late?’ His ‘I not knowing you, sir sahib.
English makes Neel avoid Same people who booked I for
answering immediately. you.’
‘My flight landed early,’ Neel ‘Who is that?’
eventually says after a long pause. ‘Titiksha ma’am. She emailed me
‘Thank Godji. I’m pick you up your foetoo. So I know you.’
and drop you on Diggi Palace. You ‘Foetoo?’
have booking?’ ‘Yes. Foetoo-garph.’ Lappan
‘I have a booking?’ takes off his hands from the
steering wheel and turns to gesture sure all is fine with him. This is one
Neel what exactly he means. reason why Neel thinks he will
‘Photograph.’ Neel makes a always love Titiksha. She may fight
correct guess. like a bitch but always cares for him
Initially Neel was feeling like a mother. He wants to call her
uncomfortable because the car had and give her a long kiss but he
transparent windows. In Kolkata he knows she won’t pick up. A faint
always moved in his father’s car smile appears on his face. He
which had black tinted windows. knows Titiksha will continue to
He is feeling okay with every avoid him till he goes back to
passing second. Kolkata and pleads mercy by
So typical of Titiksha, Neel promising her that he has given up
thinks to himself, beating his his dream of becoming an author.
fingers rhythmically on the seat But, will he be able to back track on
reacting to the song playing on the this decision? His smile dries up.
car’s radio. Whenever they fight, No, he won’t go back to the
Titiksha stops talking, but makes mundane life he has been living as
a bank employee. That’s death and
he won’t be able to live death accelerator again, he glances at the
anymore. Neel has understood life mirror atop and smiles at Neel.
is too rare an occurrence to waste it ‘You believes Godji, sir sahib?’
doing something other than what Belief is a tricky word Neel has
you want to. never come to terms with. What to
‘Jaipur you come first time, sir believe and what not to? Is belief a
sahib?’ Lappan speaks. product of a personal experience or
‘First time.’ a subliminal acceptance of an
Lappan slows down the car, rolls already prevailing protocol?
down his window pane, looks to his ‘Yes,’ Neel lies. The truth is he
right, and folds his hands in a hasn’t been able to understand the
namaste, touching his forehead. A concept of God ever. Or religion for
curious Neel follows his sight and that matter. All he has inferred is
realizes they have just passed by a men love to make shelters for
small Shiva temple below an themselves; from psychological to
archaic looking tree. emotional to spiritual. God is one
As Lappan’s foot presses on the such shelter. Love is another.
Probably. to death. Neel tries to unlock the
They arrive at yet another traffic car’s door and move out but he isn’t
signal. Traffic is heavier here. able to. He screams out for help
Lappan turns off the car’s engine, clenching his throat which seems to
takes out a cigarette from his be narrowing down. By the time
jacket’s pocket, and lights it. As he Lappan turns to realize what’s
exhales in peace, the smoke slowly happening, Neel manages to unlock
floats in the air to reach Neel. He the door and stumbles out. People
feels a knot in his stomach while around don’t care. The traffic signal
inhaling it. In that chilly winter turns green. A biker applies brake
morning, a sweat drop trickles else he would have almost hit Neel.
down his sideburn. Another travels He hurls abuses at Neel and drives
down his forehead. His breaths off. People have stopped in their
suddenly become shorter and faster tracks to see what the commotion is
than normal. He is looking at the about. Neel has managed to get
cigarette obliquely, almost what he abhors—everyone’s
petrified. He thinks he may choke attention. He is all the more
nervous. Lappan gets out of the car
and tries to help Neel get up. kicking my hard pumpkin behind
‘What happened, sir sahib? How harder,’ Lappan says guiding Neel
you get out?’ into the car.
‘That thing…’ Neel tries to point Cigarette…its smell brought back
out but there’s no cigarette with something. Something vague and
Lappan now. warped.
‘What thing, sir sahib?’ Lappan
looks genuinely concerned.
‘The smoke…’ Neel is feeling a
Neel is satisfied with the room
tad better now but he has brought
half the traffic to an unnecessary Titiksha has booked for him. After a
quick hot shower, he comes out to
halt.
see his breakfast laid out on the
‘Oh! I not knowing cigarette air
table. But he leaves it untouched
is bad for you, sir sahib,’ Lappan
since the day’s events at the literary
says finally getting the point.
festival venue have commenced.
‘Sorry sir sahib. But please get He knows this because his hotel—
inside the car now else the police
the Diggi Palace—is also the venue
of the festival, and at that very He is now at the Front Lawns
moment, he can hear a lady sing an where one of the talk sessions is in
Indian classical song. The festival progress. Multiple such sessions
schedule said the song shall start have started simultaneously at a
the proceedings for the day. But few more places within the Diggi
what he is troubled about is why Palace. But Neel decides to be in
Titiksha took care of his hotel the Front Lawns for he has heard a
bookings when she doesn’t want lot about the author who is
him to become an author in the first speaking now.
place. Does it show she is actually Neel looks for an empty seat. But
coming to terms with his decision there’s none left. He looks around.
to become an author? She has to; He finds a bit of space for standing
reconsideration is out of the on the other side beside a
question for him. Neel picks out a cameraman. From there it may be
well ironed beige coloured kurta, a difficult to see the author but he
Nehru jacket, and a pair of jeans to will be able to see him clearly on
wear. the giant screen which is at an
angular direction from the many, take on relationships. This
cameraman. author’s latest book, which is also
Neel goes there and stands with available in the festival’s bookstore,
folded hands admiring the talks about a memory pill which,
international author on the screen. when popped, helps people select
He is yet to read any of his books their memories, and how a small
but he stands with an expression as town decides to hold an annual sex
if he has read, analysed, and re-read day every year where anyone can
all his works more than the author sleep with anyone with the choice
himself. He glances at the crowd of the memory being with oneself.
and realizes most of them have a What the author claims and wants
clone of his expression on their to relay through his work is the
faces. Are they all being pretentious possible memory of something and
like him? its uncontrollable ramifications that
He is an international author makes people often shy away from
known for his unconventional, their innate wants and desires. If
almost pushing onto profanity for human beings, the author says,
were not capable of making
memories, then as a race our dark effective and constructive
desires wouldn’t have had any stressbuster. The audience is
filters. allowed to ask questions. Neel has a
Some people applaud the question ready in his mind. He
author’s thought, certain women raises his hand too like others, and
wonder how rough the author his turn comes after three questions
would be in bed, few detest his have been asked. The people
thoughts, and the rest behave they present are looking at him with
understood whatever the author is anticipation, making him more
saying by nodding their heads nervous. He sees himself on the
constantly. screen and doesn’t like it. He puts
For the next forty minutes, the across his question to the author
author talks about what all uncomfortably.
hardships he faced prior to getting ‘What should a debutant author
published, his style of writing, and do when he wants to tell a story but
why people should write. He he has none?’
believed that writing is the most ‘Well, in that case, sir,’ the
author says in his native accent, tea corner. But the queue is too
‘You have to simply wait for the long. Precisely then the man across
story to come to you.’ the counter shouts at him, ‘Sir, your
People applaud as the convener chicken grilled sandwich.’
of the session announces the author Neel is taken aback. He is not
will be available for a book signing even in the line, and he has been
event opposite the Mughal Tent. offered a sandwich. And it’s the
The crowd disperses. Neel stands exact one he had eyed after seeing
there. He is in a dilemma: whether the menu pinned on the nearby
to go for a quick breakfast since his wall.
stomach is churning or to get the ‘Mine? Are you sure?’ Neel
author’s autograph. For that he will inquires.
have to buy his book first from the ‘Yes. That’s what the girl said.
book store in the campus. Breakfast! She has even paid for it. Please take
He decides and follows the crowd it.’
to the other side of the venue ‘Girl? Which girl?’ Neel says in
where there’s a coffee-sandwich- surprise. For a second he wonders if
Titiksha has followed him to Jaipur. Gaping at her butt with his mouth
The very thought gives him the half open, Neel’s first thought is—a
creeps. perfect butt—one that could arouse
The man gives Neel a your-shit- even a hermit. She is wearing such
is-not-my-shit glance and gets busy taut cotton trousers that they define
catering to another customer. He her butt’s shape in a left-nothing-
clearly doesn’t have time for this. to-imagination manner. And as she
Neel turns to see if there’s anyone walks her left butt cheek wiggles in
looking at him. Girl, the man had a funny manner. Isn’t she aware so
said. People around are in small many would be checking out her
groups, busy, either chit-chatting or butt right now? Neel looks around
having their breakfast. The ones to realize nobody except him
who are standing alone are busy checking her out. He feels ashamed
talking on their phones. Then he but the temptation ahead of him
notices a girl walking away rather wins. Sometimes it doesn’t matter
urgently and yet not quickly how sure one is about one’s moral
enough for him to not notice her. lock, someone does turn up and
twists open that lock. The girl has
just done that to Neel. to be the one! Neel infers from the
The girl turns ever so lightly, just smile she gave him. Certain smiles
enough for her to see Neel. He are subtle clues to profound secrets
notices her noticing him. Is she the of the heart. He goes running
one who bought him the chicken towards her but she is nowhere in
grilled sandwich? The girl slips her sight. She should be somewhere in the
hand in her back pocket and brings crowd, Neel tells himself. He will
out her mobile phone. Neel now find her and pay for the sandwich.
knows it was the phone’s vibration He keeps thinking how did she
that made her left butt-cheek know he likes chicken grilled
wiggle funnily. She smiles at Neel. sandwich, and more importantly
It is difficult for him to see her face why did she buy it for him.
since she is wearing big shades Right then the author’s words
covering most of her face. Neel ring in his ears: You’ll have to wait
gives a compulsive smile. She takes for the story to come to you.
a turn towards the Front Lawn
where he was minutes ago. She has
Neel is shaving inside the bathroom Titiksha many times since last night
by the mirror atop the washbasin but she has not picked up his call
and shaving. He only has a towel even once. He left her two
wrapped around his waist. He messages as well:
keeps pulling it up every time it Message one at 9.33 pm: Thanks
slips down, exposing his butt for the hotel booking
cleavage. As he shaves he keeps Message two at 11.38 pm: I am
thinking about Titiksha and missing you a lot
himself. From the time their In the morning he got a reply but
relationship began, both kept isn’t sure which message did she
dabbing emotional makeup, one respond to.
day at a time, to remain appealing Titiksha’s reply at 7.02 am: Okay
to each other, for each other. But The minimalistic reply had the
now they have put on so much perfume of arrogance sprayed all
makeup that the real emotion over it. Should he act like a snob
seems to have lost forever. Why is too? Or should he try hard to pacify
he thinking like this? He has called her? Should he abuse her and make
her his emotional slave or should sandwich she bought for him just
he simply beg for mercy? What like that. But why him of all
should he really do? With this people?
question in mind, Neel takes a It is funny how you meet an
shower, dries himself, and absolute stranger who pulls you in
rummages through his Tourister to a mystic way, drowning you into a
find his best outfit. Why is he doing sea of questions. You fight hard to
that? He can wear anything. swim in the beginning. But with
Nobody is coming to see him. each passing day, as each question
Nobody? Really? gets answered, you learn to swim in
One simple action—a turn of the sea. The stranger becomes an
head and a smile—and how acquaintance and the attraction
someone can hook a person. That’s turns into once-upon-a-time kind of
what the girl with big shades and a a fairy tale. Neel hasn’t been able to
perfect butt did. Along with the forget the girl from Diggi Palace
girl’s piercing look, Neel also because of the sea of questions she
remembers the chicken grilled has immersed him in: Who is she?
Why did she buy him the the middle. He thinks he looks
sandwich? Was she planted by smarter this way contrary to what
Titiksha to spy on him? Will she be Titiksha thinks. But today she isn’t
there in the festival today as well? around him. He can be himself. If
It’s in response to the last question that’s really the case then what is
that he wants to be at his best attire: he in front of her? Who is he in
a black kurta this time with the front of her?
same black Nehru jacket he had Neel reaches the Darbar Hall at
worn on the first day of the festival. 9.05 am. The session on ‘How to
He empties half the perfume bottle write a bestseller’ is going on with
on himself. He didn’t do so full gusto. This time Neel gets a seat
yesterday. The girl with the big next to a girl. He looks at her from
shades and perfect butt has, in an the corner of his eyes not sure if it’s
incredible manner, managed to the same girl he saw yesterday. She
alter his preferences. The thought is reading the festival schedule.
makes him shrug at his reflection in Neel looks up and sees the author
the mirror. He changes his hair on the stage animatedly declaring
parting from right side to a bit in
to the audience that ‘a bestseller happens because he shifts his place
cannot be planned’ and that ‘one quickly.
needs to connect to the readers in Neel sits with an expression
order to feature in the bestseller’s which is similar to the one with
list’. What he doesn’t say is that which he attended all the sessions
every month he has a dedicated PR yesterday—as if he has read,
team who makes sure they buy 70 analyzed, and re-read all the works
percent of the overall sales of his of the author. Time and again he
book for the month, keeping his keeps looking at the crowd to see if
book in the coveted bestselling list someone— preferably a girl with
for most part of the year. oversized shades and a perfect butt
Neel notices the girl sitting next —is looking at him. Behind the
to him toying with a cigarette author, on the stage is a big mirror
between her fingers. Neel swallows in which Neel can see the reflection
a lump in his throat and gets up. of most of the people attending the
There’s a sudden escalation in his session. He suddenly spots the girl
breathing. But nothing worrisome in one of the seats behind him. He
turns his head to confirm if it’s her. big shades amidst the crowd, Neel
It indeed is. Neel can’t make out feels a tap on his shoulder from
whether she is looking at him or behind.
not because of her shades. Why is ‘Neel Chatterjee?’ the girl says.
she wearing those shades inside the Before Neel can answer, he notices
hall? He looks at her a few times she is wearing Ray-Ban Wayfarers,
but nothing encouraging happens. black breast-defining high-neck
Neel is waiting for the session to sweater, a royal blue hipster jeans,
get over so that he can go to her brown leather belt, and black high-
and pay her for the sandwich. heel boots that make her taller than
The session gets over on time him by an inch. She has a brown
and as the crowd disperses, Neel purse hanging from her right
quickly makes his way towards the shoulder and a furry coat folded on
seats at the back. The girl isn’t there the forearm of her left hand.
anymore. There’s a Nikon D90 dangling from
Standing outside the Darbar Hall her left shoulder. Her hair is silky,
and trying to hunt the girl with the with a red strand in front, and fall
loosely on her shoulders. Her thick, that the one being conquered
slightly pouty lips are accentuated enjoys the process.
by the lip gloss. And on her fair and ‘Really? Who am I Neel?’ she
supple right cheek there is one tiny says with a tight smile.
red dot of a pimple. He gives her his most unsure
‘Yes,’ Neel blurts out. He is not smile and thinks hard. He isn’t sure
sure what his expression should be if he ever knew her. Who the hell is
like. But he is sure he is looking like she?
a fool nevertheless. ‘Actually…’ he begins but is cut
‘Remember me?’ she says short.
removing her Wayfarers. ‘Oh it is okay, I won’t mind. I
‘Yes.’ It’s a lie. He doesn’t know know you don’t remember me.’
why he says so. Maybe he didn’t Relief!
want to sound too rude to her. Her ‘I’m sorry,’ Neel says
eyes have as much lust in them as apologetically as if he should have
they have a longing. The lust is to known her. If she didn’t have a
conquer. The longing is there so knockout figure and a forbidden-
desire inspiring eyes, would he same school. You used to come
have stood there apologizing for there for exams. I was pleasantly
not knowing her? Neel knows the surprised to see you here
answer. He remembers an adage yesterday.’ Her right cheek flexes
Titiksha always tells him: men will just a bit into a smile and the next
be men. moment the tip of her tongue
‘I realized you didn’t recognize comes out of her mouth. He loves
me yesterday.’ the way her tongue wets her dry
‘You bought me a chicken grilled lips. ‘ Chicken grilled sandwich is
sandwich. How did you know I your childhood favourite, isn’t it?’
wanted to have it?’ she asks.
‘I know a lot many things about Is it? Neel isn’t sure. But if the
you. I’m your ex.’ Her face has a beautiful girl says it is, then he
shine of amusement. doesn’t mind accepting it as the
Neel doesn’t know if she is truth.
joking or serious. ‘Right,’ he says and wonders
‘I’m kidding. We were in the how piercing her eyes are. As if
they can fish into his subconscious session that she wants to go for.
and pull an alien desire out. And it’s even funnier that he didn’t
‘What brings you here? I didn’t even mind her not asking.
know you had a penchant for Before they take the narrow
literature,’ she says. route to the Baithak Hall, Neel
Neel wants to say something glances at the topic of the session
smart that will floor the girl. But he on the giant programme schedule
can’t find the right words. He put up as a billboard. The topic is
notices the girl looking at her ‘Sex in contemporary English
mobile phone. novels’.
‘Come let’s go to Baithak Hall. I As they sit in separate bamboo
want to attend the next session chairs, she asks him, ‘How is life?’
there.’ ‘Good.’
As she walks ahead, Neel follows ‘You didn’t tell me what you are
her feeling amused about the fact doing here though.’
she didn’t even care to ask him if he Neel hopes the answer he has
is interested in attending the conjured in his mind blows her
over. she is kidding or is serious. Should
‘I want to be an author.’ he really give her an autograph? An
‘An author? Wow, That’s great! autograph! She is definitely kidding.
Authors are the only liars women ‘I insist,’ she smiles with such
love to sleep with. One second…’ warmth that it convinces Neel that
He observes how swiftly she it’s not a joke. He takes the pen and
opens her bag, brings out a pen, scribbles his name in a complicated
and gives it to him. manner. He doesn’t even know if it
‘Autograph please! What if you will be his autograph once he
forget me again tomorrow?’ Again? becomes an author.
How many times has he forgotten ‘Thanks,’ she says kissing him on
her already? Isn’t he meeting her his cheek. It’s a normal, friendly,
for the first time? asexual kiss but Neel feels funny
She pulls up her sleeves. He is between his legs as she takes the
supposed to sign on her forearm. pen back and keeps it inside her
The suddenness of it makes Neel bag. He has always been like this.
uncomfortable. He doesn’t know if The slightest touch and he feels
funny between his legs. In order to She takes his phone, types her
distract his mind, he asks the girl, number herself, and gives it back to
‘What do you do?’ him. He chooses the ‘save as
The girl leans closer to his ears contacts’ option and inquires, ‘How
and says, ‘Later.’ do you spell your name. I mean I
Neel likes the way her breath remember the name but the
tickles his ears. The funny feeling spelling…’
between his legs becomes funnier. For few seconds, she keeps
He likes the way she… By the way looking at Neel. He doesn’t know
what’s her name? he wonders. She what to infer from the look.
may remember his name but the ‘Tell me Neel,’ she says softly,
truth is Neel remembers nothing ‘What if we didn’t have any of our
about her. Should he ask her senses? What if we couldn’t see,
directly? He takes out his mobile feel, taste, smell, or hear anything?
phone and asks her, ‘What’s your Would we still fall in love with the
number?’ The girl looks at him as if person we are in love with
he has interrupted her attention. otherwise? Don’t you think Neel,
love is only a trick of the senses?’ geyser on for a long time by
What was that? Neel seems mistake, as a result of which the
baffled. It is too heavy for him to vapours have invaded the entire
comprehend. He only asked the bathroom, blurring every glass.
spelling of her name, damn it! Neel writes her name on one of
She leans towards him again and them with his fingertips.
speaks softly into his ears, Nivrita
pronouncing each alphabet of her He keeps staring at the name all
name distinctly as he types it in histhrough his shower. The other day
mobile phone. The way her breath he had followed Nivrita to all the
caresses his ears makes him hear a events she wanted to attend. There
thunder within him each time. is a primitive magnetism in her
which he finds undeniably
attractive. Passion is a devil. It’s
there in all of us. It is hungry, has
Neel is taking a shower in his hotel canines, and is ferocious to the core.
room’s bathroom. He has kept the Most importantly it is blind too. It
doesn’t have limitations, doesn’t before they bid each other goodbye,
associate itself with any stigma. she asked him, ‘How about
More often than not it remains roaming around Jaipur tomorrow?’
chained in all of us until you come
across someone who unchains it for
you, within you, and you suddenly
realize you are exactly all that you Neel looks at two outfits alternately
always loathed in others. Nivrita —one is a light green kurta which
has been able to unchain that Titiksha likes a lot and the other
passion in Neel in one single one is a T-shirt. He remembers a
meeting. casual remark from Titiksha: ‘I
They didn’t talk much after the think you look better in kurta’. He
small talk in Baithak Hall the decides to go for the T-shirt.
previous day. Sometimes she He has been wearing Titiksha’s
seemed all open and chirpy but the choice for a long time now so he
moment he wanted to ask anything thinks of giving Nivrita’s
personal, she turned reticent. Right suggestion a chance. Nivrita had
gifted him a cologne—Bogart Pour
Homme—as a parting gift for the doesn’t remember anyone from his
day saying: this smell turns me on. school anyway.
And it indeed had a better smell Last night was an extraordinary
than the perfume he used. night for him. He had done
Was Nivrita taking him away something for the first time. He had
from Titiksha? Neel shuns the messaged Titiksha that he was
stupid thought since he knows missing her when the reality is he is
Titiksha from half a decade now at peace in her absence. The
and Nivrita, only a few hours. And realization surprised him. He loves
yet when he looks into the mirror, Titiksha and yet is happy about the
his reflection seems more like a momentary freedom. Why was he
personification of Nivrita’s desire finding it hard to tell Titiksha about
than Titiksha’s wish. Does he mind this alleged school friend of his?
it? Neel doesn’t know yet. He is Maybe if he did, Titiksha would be
now ready to roam the city of in Jaipur first thing in the morning,
Jaipur with his ‘supposed’ ex, about curbing his freedom. But what is
whom he remembers nothing. He this freedom about? Why is it
making him feel elated? It’s not
that Titiksha’s presence stifles him,
so why does her absence feel like a As they come out of the hotel
relief? Is he being unfaithful to her? premises, Neel sees Lappan waiting
Should he not go out with Nivrita with his Indica by the road. He
and instead do what he is here for: waves at him. Neel wants to take
attend the literary festival, feel Lappan since there would be
inspired, and return home to start sufficient space between Nivrita
writing his debut novel? and him in a car. In certain ways,
His mobile phone buzzes. It’s a he is scared of her. No, he corrects
message from Nivrita: I’m here. himself, he is scared of his reaction
When are you coming downstairs? towards Nivrita which may be
In the momentary silence that favourable for her but not for him
follows, Neel locks his decision. or his relationship with Titiksha.
He types: In a minute, and presses ‘But from a car, it’s difficult to
on the send option. click photographs. I want to click
the city as it prepares to take on the
day,’ Nivrita says almost pulling
Neel away from Lappan. She is ‘Keep this,’ Neel says stuffing a
wearing the same boots she was hundred rupee note in his shirt
wearing a day back along with pocket.
black denims and a red poncho Lappan gives him a now-I-
over a white shirt. exactly-know-why-you-want-to-be-
‘I’ll call you if need be,’ Neel alone-with-this-chick smirk and
tells Lappan. drives off.
‘Okay sir sahib.’ Neel and Nivrita take a cycle-
Lappan drives away with an I- rickshaw. It’s almost crawling on
know-you-want-to-be-alone-with- the busy MG Road. Nivrita is
this-chick smirk. Neel only hopes continuously clicking pictures with
he doesn’t mention it to Titiksha on her DSLR while Neel is trying hard
the phone if he talks to her not to notice that they are sitting so
anytime. His fear makes him call close that their legs are touching.
out to Lappan. To divert his mind, he keeps asking
The car reverses till it reaches her questions which she replies to
him. while moving around her eyes
furiously and clicking anything that have said what he did. She clicks a
interests her. close-up of his.
‘Are you married?’ he asks. ‘What do you mean?’ she says
‘Nope!’ She doesn’t look at him examining the pictures in her
while answering. camera.
‘Committed?’ Now he will have to tell her
‘Nope!’ what he thinks of her: that she has
‘Why is that?’ an amazing figure, that he would
‘Why is what?’ She glances at have doted on her had he not been
him. committed, and that he had
mentally stripped her the first
‘How come you are single?’
instant he saw her, but a silent sigh
‘Why, does that make me an
later, he answers, ‘You are
outlaw?’
beautiful.’
‘No, I mean a girl like you….’
‘Thanks,’ she beams. ‘I believe I
Neel cuts short his sentence as
can only be loyal to one thing:
Nivrita turns to look at him. It
either my life or a relationship—not
makes him feel as if he shouldn’t
both. I have chosen to be loyal to The cycle-rickshaw climbs a
my life.’ steep speed breaker. Both Nivrita
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ and Neel suffer a sudden jolt. She
‘Love and life are two parallel grasps his hand while he grabs her
tracks, Neel. I believe I can put thighs for support. By the time the
myself only on one track at a time. I cycle-rickshaw climbs down the
made the mistake once of expecting speed breaker, she is still holding
my life to be better because I was in onto his hand while he removes his
love. Not anymore.’ hand from her thighs almost
In the silence that follows, instantly. He looks at her expecting
Nivrita continues to click pictures. a reaction but there’s none.
It amazes Neel how she can be Few silent minutes pass by. Neel
aloof and involved both at one go. is getting bored. If not for Nivrita,
Being in a committed relationship he would not have visited any place
with Titiksha, is he allowed to be in Jaipur. New places bore him.
amazed by someone to this extent? Rather, they make him feel
In this manner? uncomfortable. They somehow
make him want to go back home, to frame, she asks him, ‘Do you know,
his comfort zone, where he lives Hawa Mahal was made so that the
with Titiksha. Since the time they women could see what was going
shifted together, Titiksha has on in the city? But the windows, or
become a symbol of the domesticity Jharokhas as they were called, were
he finds himself chained to at all made so small that nobody from
times and whose non-negotiable outside could see them. Don’t you
pull he feels every time he moves think that made them voyeurs?’
out of that comfort zone. Only Neel Neel doesn’t know what to
knows how he has dared to fly answer and more importantly
from Kolkata to Jaipur. And every doesn’t know how it matters what
dare has a prize, Neel wonders, he thinks.
looking at Nivrita as she climbs ‘Yes, I think so.’ When in doubt,
down the cycle-rickshaw. They are Neel always agrees.
in Hawa Mahal now. ‘Are you a voyeur, Neel?’
As Nivrita moves about inside A tricky question for sure. He
the Hawa Mahal to capture a nice has no clue what to say now.
Should he agree he is a voyeur? Is knows what’s on the other side of life.
he one? How will it harm him ‘Not really,’ he says.
anyway if he lies? Next, they go to Amer Fort. With
‘No, I’m not.’ each passing moment words
He notices her pause. She gives become lesser and lesser between
him an appreciating smile which them, as if Nivrita is slowly
could also be read as a don’t-kid-me forgetting about his presence. After
smile, and then gets back to clicking roaming around Amer Fort, Neel
pictures. calls Lappan to come and fetch
‘Have you ever wondered that them.
the moments we are living now In the car, every time Nivrita
with each other may well be the comes and sits dangerously close to
moments we desperately wished to him. He compulsively glances in
live in some other life but somehow the mirror atop the driver only to
couldn’t?’ realize Lappan has his you-owe-
Neel feels it’s an interesting me-another-hundred-rupees-now
thought. Is it true? Can be. Who smirk on his face. It has appeared
three times now. Neel mentally humour at work and he is even on
calculates that he owes Lappan the verge of laughing at something
three hundred rupees. he didn’t quite get, but then good
Finally he conjures up something sense prevails, and he chooses not
to ask her. to prod.
‘Weird, I haven’t yet asked you, ‘Stop here please,’ she tells
but what you do?’ Lappan who by now has realized
‘I make my life interesting.’ Neel the lady is calling the shots.
hears her say, ‘Every now and then ‘Let’s ride a camel.’
I ask myself what my goal is and This has to be a joke now, Neel tells
what’s the most interesting of roads himself.
that will not take me to it. That’s The camel ride turns out to be
what I do. I set goals and choose the worst experience of Neel’s life.
roads not to reach it.’ She smiles, He doesn’t want to even think
examining the pictures she has about it. They sit by a bench
been clicking in her camera. At first overseeing the Jal Mahal and have
Neel thinks it’s her sense of some vanilla ice cream. To distract
himself from the horrible camel something better.
ride, Neel keeps noticing how her ‘What’s the premise of the story
tongue comes out to lick the you have in mind for your debut
melting ice cream and reverts back novel?’
to the mouth with each lick. None! That is the truth and
‘What I meant in the car was that’s what he says, ‘Nothing.’
what do you do for a living?’ Neel She looks at him inquisitively
says. and says, ‘Great!’
‘I’m the senior commissioning Great? An aspiring author with
editor at Word Tree Publishing, no story idea. What’s so great about
India,’ she says in a matter-of-fact it? Neel is confused.
manner. ‘I have a story. But I’ll share it
Word Tree Publishing? Did he with you if you promise me to
hear her right? He wants her to make it your debut novel.’
repeat because for some inscrutable Where was this kind of good
reason he knows it is good news for luck before? Neel can feel
him. Instead he hears her say happiness imploding in him.
 Jaipur has suddenly dipped by five
‘Don’t worry. If you say no, I
degrees. The chill has ascended.
won’t mind nor shall our friendship
Neel is standing alone below the
be affected in any way. But if you
budget hotel which is at a ten-
do accept my proposal, then it’s my
minute walk from Diggi Palace. It is
promise that I shall personally look
into the matter that your debutwhere Nivrita is staying.
novel gets published soon and After reaching Diggi Palace post
marketed as the best novel evertheir Jaipur darshan, she requested
from Word Tree, India. What do him, in a subtle way, to shift from
you say?’ Diggi Palace to Hotel Savoy Raj.
Neel opens his mouth and tries ‘I think a piece of this cold night,
to say something, but words fail
a bit of alcohol, and a lot of you and
him. me getting to know each other
would make the trip memorable.
What say?’
While going out with Nivrita
It’s 10 pm. The temperature in early in the day, Neel had
confirmed with the receptionist suddenly with Nivrita’s touch, that
that the Hotel Diggi Palace booking wooden something seems to be
was indeed done by Titiksha. producing music of an unheard and
Hence, Neel didn’t shift his luggage strange quality. That something is
lest Titiksha calls the hotel, and his heart.
realizes that he has changed his Neel has been handed over the
hotel. That would mean a lot of desired alcohol in a paper packet.
explanations required of him. He pays the money and turns to
Standing below Hotel Savoy Raj walk towards the hotel entrance. It
by a quiet road he is waiting for the is then that he happens to look up
vendor, opposite to the hotel, who at Nivrita’s hotel room which has a
is supposed to bring the alcohol he window with a road-side view.
ordered a minute back. In two days, Neel pauses. He doesn’t believe
Nivrita seems to have caught hold what he has seen. Though Nivrita’s
of something within him, which room is dark right now but a
being with Titiksha all these years second ago there was light and he
had turned into wood. And now saw her by the window doffing her
tee. It must be an illusion. He come on once again. The next
prepares to walk on but pauses instant he gets a message on his
again. The light in the room has mobile phone: I’m wet.
been switched on. Nivrita is Neel can feel his breathing
standing by the window now in a escalate reading the message. He
bra. He has a feeling that she is rushes inside the hotel.
looking directly at him. He looks It’s 4.50 am now. Neel is used to
around swallowing a big lump the darkness of the room. He is
down his throat. There’s nobody lying straight on his back, naked,
else noticing them. The distance eyeing the ceiling, while Nivrita is
doesn’t allow him to see her clearly lying beside him on her stomach
in the nude, and that adds to his with the blanket giving shape to
emotional arousal and carnal her curvaceous body. Neel can see
intentions. Nivrita slowly slips off the reflection of her nude back on
one of her bra straps from her the clear ceiling fan. He notices
shoulder. The light is again some marks on Nivrita’s back but
switched off. Neel is standing like a he is too consumed in the post
fool and hoping for the light to
coital bliss to even care to ask her him realize what the most
about it. But the thoughts recur. important thing in her life is, and
Who could have done this to her? how casually she offered her body
Did she have an abusive father or to him. A body he has been waiting
husband or boyfriend or what? and wanting to devour in every
Whoever did that to her should rot manner possible from the time he
in hell. Should he ask her about it saw her. The only thing he couldn’t
when she wakes up? Neel decides guess was why did she cry? But
against it because scars are always a there is another equally troubling
private matter. Neel covers her thought trying to gain Neel’s
back with the blanket. attention.
Minutes back they were involved Neel knows he has cheated on
in an emotionally and physically Titiksha for the first time. And he is
intense and desire-draining sex busy choosing the best excuse for it
session. Neel in particular liked the to calm down his busy mind. The
way Nivrita made him lick up the mind is such a nice salesman; it
salt from her body. How she made keeps selling the best of excuses to
the heart. But the heart is both a here he has been almost accepted
curious and cautious buyer. It before he has penned the first
doesn’t buy what the mind has to word, even before he knows the
offer every time. story himself. He tries not to think
Neel is trying to keep it simple. about it for some time. Then he
He believes—or better still, has wonders: if love is a huge sea, then
compelled himself into believing— Titiksha is a boat which has
that he has done what he has in the eventually led him to a giant ship,
last few hours because he wants to Nivrita. Should he leave the boat
get his debut novel published by behind and climb up the ship for
the big publishing house Nivrita his book’s sake? He can always
works in. After attending some of clarify it to Titiksha later. Or, what
the author sessions at the festival, if he doesn’t tell anything to
he has come to understand how Titiksha ever? Hiding the truth is
difficult it is to get one’s debut not lying. Hiding the truth is hiding
work published. Rejection can the truth.
quickly become a way of life. And ‘Neel?’
 He hears Nivrita speak. Her and now she says love is afterlife.
voice is groggy. She turns her head ‘I’ll believe you.’ A safe answer
to look at him. indeed. ‘But why do you say so?’
‘What if I tell you that love itself ‘I heard it from someone.’
is afterlife? From the time one loves ‘Who?’
someone, he or she transcends ‘The one on whom my story is
normal life as we all know. And based.’
death is a means to bring someone ‘May I know your story Nivrita?’
back to that very life so that one can ‘For that we will have to go back
fall in love and transcend it yet to Kolkata first,’ she says and turns
again; a cycle of sorts?’ her head in a concluding manner as
Again one of those queries if she wants to use the subsequent
which if he responds to, he knows, silence as a lullaby.
will make him sound stupid since
he doesn’t know what she is
actually talking about. First she said
love and life are like parallel tracks
 being in the same morning flight, as
Chapter 5 Neel has learnt, is a coincidence.
‘Thanks for the pleasure
pilgrimage, Neel.’
Pleasure pilgrimage, the words
WHAT IS THE STORY amuse him.
NIVRITA HAS FOR NEEL? ‘Pleasure because the skin was
involved. Pilgrimage because we
‘L it by day, clit by night.’
‘Neel smiles to himself
were pursuing the soul through the
skin,’ Nivrita clarifies. Neel loves
remembering what Nivrita had her way of expressing how well he
whispered to him during their has fucked her.
carnal encounter the night before. Thirty minutes in air and
It was vulgar for his standard but it breakfast is served. When Nivrita
definitely gave him a kick. Both are sees a tiny piece of bread on his
sitting side by side in an aeroplane chin, she leans sideways to lick the
flying them back to Kolkata. Their bread piece off Neel’s mouth, and
swallows it herself. Neel doesn’t ‘Salt Lake. Tell you what, let’s
react. By now he is used to her take a single taxi. I can get down at
impulsive kisses, sudden touches, the Ultadanga crossing and take
and abrupt licks. Nivrita reads another taxi from there.’ Nivrita
Mario Llosa’s The Bad Girl for some says with a smile and in that smile
time, and later takes a short nap Neel reads an emotional fetish for
while Neel sits still trying not to taking decisions for others. Or is it
think of the sex session that had she likes to control only his choices?
occurred last night, and what he Before he can answer, he reminds
will tell Titiksha if and when she himself that whatever Nivrita asks
asks, ‘How was Jaipur?’ him, he is not going to say no. Not
The flight lands in Kolkata on till he writes her story and gets it
time. As they stand by the pre-paid published on his name. Once
taxi queue, Nivrita asks him, success comes his way then—only
‘Where do you stay?’ then—he shall call the shots. He
‘Ultadanga. And you?’ asked smiles at her hoping she doesn’t
Neel. read his intention. By now he
knows she is a sharp girl. At that her ears and closing her eyes to
time the premise of the story which surrender to the music. Neel didn’t
Nivrita told him a few minutes dare ask her again.
before the plane landed echoes in After standing for fifteen
his mind: minutes in the queue, one minute
My story is about two innocent to book a taxi, and another five
lovers and the not so innocent world minutes to get the taxi number
around them. The story shows how from a counter outside the airport,
their inability to cope up with the they finally get a taxi. Nivrita
world they don’t belong to, but have to doesn’t seem to mind sitting with
live with, costs them their love. In the Neel but he is somehow acutely
first half, the protagonists are aware of the distance between
teenagers. them. Maybe for her it’s an
‘What about the second half?’ unnoticeable distance, but for him
Neel had enquired. it’s a disturbing proximity.
Nivrita had dismissed his Not a word is exchanged
question by plugging her iPod in between them throughout the
journey. The taxi slows down a half-bent person on the opposite
behind a bus whose driver is footpath.
verbally abusing a rickshaw-wallah The man is bent forward and is
around the Teghoria crossing. Neel busy buying vegetables from one of
looks amused with the proceedings the many roadside vendors. Neel
but then his expression changes. He taps on the man’s shoulder who, in
has seen someone at the other side response, straightens up and turns
of the road. He frowns and gets to look at Neel with a blank face.
down from the taxi. ‘Don’t you recognize me,
‘What happened?’ Nivrita Arindam?’ Says Neel.
inquires after him. The man looks at him with an
‘Back in a minute…’ Neel retorts open mouth now, and nods his
and carefully crosses the busy VIP head in the negative.
road. ‘We used to work together in
Nivrita looks out through the Hindustan Bank.’
taxi’s closed transparent window. The man shuts his mouth and
She notices Neel is standing behind adjusts his specs a bit; conclusively.
 ‘Sorry, you are mistaken,’ he says call out to him from the other end.
and continues to select his ‘That was strange. He is
vegetables. Neel keeps looking at Arindam Dey. We used to work
him aghast. It can’t be a mistake. together till last year. Then he left.’
Something dawns on him, and he Says Neel once he is back inside the
pulls the man’s shirt from behind taxi.
and notices a cut on his neck. ‘Are you sure?’
‘You are Arindam Dey! You have ‘I am. We used to be good office
the cut-mark too. Why are you buddies. I saw the cut mark he had
denying it?’ on his neck. It was a deep one. He
The man goes off balance got it when he accidentally
because of the sudden pull on his scratched his neck with the sharp
shirt. He gets up and pushes back end of a compass. He’d told me so
Neel forcefully. himself.’
‘Get lost, you mad fucker!’ ‘Then why didn’t he recognize
The push and the abuse escalate you?’
Neel’s heartbeats. He hears Nivrita Neel shrugs and keeps looking at
Arindam as he selects vegetables on soon she takes out a photograph.
the other end of the road. She gives it to him. Neel checks it
Nivrita seems a bit ruffled by the with a sense of scepticism. The
sudden alteration in Neel’s poise. picture looks old and has a boy in a
She takes out a packet of cigarettes. white shirt and black jeans. Beside
In all these four days, this is the him in the photograph is a girl
first time Neel notices the cigarette wearing a blue top and royal blue
packet with her. It’s Marlboro. By cropped trousers. The boy has one
the time she brings out one hand over her shoulder while the
cigarette from it, Neel blurts, ‘If girl has her hand around his waist.
you don’t mind, could you please Their smile looks forced, as if they
not smoke while I’m around?’ weren’t ready for the photograph.
Nivrita glances at him once, then Neel finds something familiar
at the cigarette, and keeps it back about this photograph. But he
inside her bag babbling a soft doesn’t know what exactly. He
apology. But she is not done. Neel views the photograph up close just
sees her fidgeting with her bag and to look at their faces but cannot tell
what is similar. Both the boy and
girl are standing at a distance and read my writing. How come you
the faces are not very clear. The trust me so much?’
light in the photograph isn’t that Nivrita looks at him straight. ‘I
good either. insisted you to write the story not
‘These are the characters of my because you are a bad or a good
story,’ he hears Nivrita say. author.’
‘What do you mean by “your” ‘Then?’
characters?’ ‘Stop here, dada.’
‘It’s a true story.’ ‘What?’ He doesn’t know what
‘You mean whatever you are she means. A second later he
going to tell me has happened in realizes the taxi has stopped.
reality?’ ‘I’ll call you soon,’ Nivrita says
‘Yes, but why do you sound and gets down with her luggage.
scared?’ As she waves at him, Neel waves
Neel does sound scared. back, and then at the next traffic
‘Are you sure I’ll be able to pull signal asks the driver to take a U-
it off? I mean you haven’t even turn from Ultadanga. It is evident
he has lied to Nivrita. He doesn’t ‘Are you Neel Chatterjee?’ one
live in Ultadanga. He lives in Lake of the two men inquires.
Town with Titiksha. He didn’t tell ‘Yes I’m. Who are you?’ Neel is
Nivrita the truth because he didn’t visibly unnerved. The taxi driver is
want to take the risk of any sudden about to shoo off the men himself
visit from Nivrita at his place, when he hears one of the two
especially when Titiksha is around. speak.
He wants to keep Nivrita away ‘Kolkata Police. You have to
from Titiksha for obvious reasons— come with us.’
he knows too less of Nivrita while Neel looks at the men, one at a
he knows too much of Titiksha. time. Their eyes scare him.
The taxi reaches the Lake Town
footbridge and is waiting for the
traffic ahead to clear. Suddenly two
plain clothed men appear from Neel cannot believe his parents had
nowhere, open the taxi doors, and filed a missing person report with
get in. the Kolkata police while he was in
Jaipur. It was only when they left Titiksha, being the woman she is,
him at his place that he understood proposed to live-in with Neel for a
why the men barged into the taxi. year or so to see their compatibility,
They were following him from the and then take a decision about
airport. All through the Jaipur trip, staying together for the rest of her
he thought Titiksha must have told life. She has a thing against blind
his parents about his trip. She often faith. At first Neel thought she may
informed them whenever he did have been rejected by someone in
anything without telling them. He the past because of which she has
didn’t like telling his parents developed such preferences, but
everything himself because they she has always told him that he is
didn’t like Neel going alone her first relationship. For reasons
anywhere. His parents love Titiksha best known to her, she never used
though. From the time he the term ‘first love’.
introduced her to them they Initially Neel was against the
accepted her as their future idea of living-in simply because he
daughter-in-law. Minor thought his parents would not
relationship hiccups occurred when
accept it, forget allowing it. surprising thing his parents have
Marriage is the only way a man and a told him is that Titiksha hasn’t
woman can live together under one picked up their call in the last four
roof, he thought. But to his surprise days. Not even once! That is strange
Titiksha managed to convince his considering the fact that Titiksha
parents. She never let him meet her has always treated his parents like
parents since they lived abroad. her own. And if she can book the
Neel still doesn’t know why she hotel room for him in Jaipur, then
does not even let him talk to them can’t she tell his parents where he
over the phone. was in the last five days? Alright,
In the bedroom of his rented flat she can’t even pick up their calls?
in Lake Town, Neel patiently waits And then it dawns on him that
for Titiksha to come back from Titiksha is yet to respond to his
office. It is 10 pm. Normally she messages as well. On an impulse,
comes back by 8. He is worried he dials her number again. He has
about her and the wait is only by now tried her number several
adding to his worries. The times but every time the number is
busy. Who is she talking to all the
time? He gets ready to message her doesn’t know about? No way! It
again when he hears the door must be a girl who has come to
unlocking. He switches off the drop Titiksha at home since he
bedroom light to surprise her. wasn’t in the city. But nobody ever
‘It was great to be with you,’ dropped Titiksha home. He holds
Neel hears her say. his head and sits down on the floor.
Then come slurping sounds. It’s He can now feel a mild headache.
too sudden for him to guess what ‘Bye baby,’ he hears her say next.
those sounds could be. But chances Titiksha is humming a song. She
are he knows what’s going on in seems to be in a good mood. She
the drawing room. It’s the same comes to the room, switches on the
sound Nivrita and he made in light, and shrieks out loudly on
Jaipur. Neel immediately stands up. seeing Neel inside.
He cheated on Titiksha because he ‘What the hell are you doing
needed something from Nivrita. here?’
Why would Titiksha cheat on him? Should he ask her the obvious:
Does she need something he was it a he or a she who dropped
her? Or should he wait for her to care to hug him or ask how he has
clarify on her own? Will he able to been and what all he did in Jaipur.
take it if she says it on his face that Not that he would have told her
it’s a he? It can just be a friend. The what all he really did there, but
slurping sounds hovered in his still.
m in d. Friend? Really? Who is this There’s silence. Neel keeps
new friend? looking at Titiksha who has her
‘It’s my place, remember?’ Neel eyes closed. Something tells him
says with deliberate curtness. that it’s the lull-before-the-storm
‘It’s equally mine Neel, kind of silence. A storm may happen
remember?’ she says and and tries anytime now, Neel wonders with a
to calm herself down. The initial dry throat. In a second or two she
surprise in her eyes seems under would say it’s over—their
control now. She keeps her bag on relationship—their five-year-old
the bedside table and lies down on relationship, which they were
the bed to relax. Neel can feel a confident about till four days ago is
change in Titiksha. She didn’t even now over. As if a relationship is one
of those computer softwares which That’s how the mind works. If you
you install, enjoy, and then know you are dirty, the world
uninstall once you get bored to around you smells dirty.
make space for another one. Why is ‘Why?’ Neel says.
Neel even thinking all this without ‘What do you mean why?’
crosschecking? Titiksha gets up, switches off the
‘How was Jaipur?’ Titiksha says, light, and starts changing. ‘You are
her eyes still closed. my boyfriend. I have the right to
For a moment Neel feels maybe know.’
this sudden suspicion on Titiksha is ‘Sorry.’ Though it is dark, his
because it’s he who has cheated on eyes are on her. The way she
his girlfriend and thus whatever changes her dress has always
she does now will be questionable aroused him. It’s no different now.
to him, for he will see her actions She always changes her lower first
through the lens of his choice. His and then the upper. She wears
own deficiency will make her Jockey shorts and a yellow
strength look like her weakness. spaghetti top.
 She switches on the light and didn’t you? Even after you fought
says, ‘It’s been a minute and you with me before leaving.’
still haven’t answered me. What’s Neel has barely smiled when he
wrong?’ ‘She walks to the kitchen. notices her open the refrigerator
He knows her ordeal after wide and take out a bottle of cold
returning home from office rather water. As she gulps down the
well: change, drink a glass of warm water, a stream of it trickles down
water with a pinch of lemon, wash her throat and onto her top wetting
her face, apply a moisturizer, it in the process and making the top
switch on the television, and watch stick to her bosom.
some stupid saas-bahu serial till it’s ‘You always have warm water,’
time to prepare dinner. Neel says moving his eyes to her
As he follows her into the face.
kitchen, he answers, ‘Nothing. ‘I have realized when you start
Jaipur was nice. Thanks for the using words like “always”,
hotel booking.’ “forever”, or “never” for a person,
‘You knew I would do that, then that person is sure living a
boring life.’ entrance, he watches her sit down
This is not the Titiksha he knows. with her laptop. So she has stopped
Four days back when he was watching television as well? Neel
adamant about leaving for Jaipur to wonders trying to sit beside her.
get inspiration and kick-start his Immediately she shoots, ‘Why
writing career, she was the one don’t you sit there? It makes me
who gave him an hour long lecture feel awkward with you staring at
on how important it was for them the laptop screen.’
to settle down, to continue doing Neel doesn’t like her tone but he
what they were doing in their doesn’t say anything. Once he is
careers without any change, and seated opposite her he asks, ‘Why
now she suddenly sounds like a didn’t you tell my parents I’d gone
nomad of sorts, shunning away to Jaipur? They went ahead and
emotional domesticity. How is it filed a missing person report. It’s
possible? unacceptable.’
She goes to her room. He ‘I’m not surprised. Your parents
follows. Standing by the room’s are way too possessive of you. Look
at my parents. They don’t even care assumes is the reason for the subtle
what I’m doing in life. My life is my changes in her: that she has another
life, after all.’ man in her life.
‘That’s because your parents live ‘Work pressure. I was not even
abroad. Here in India, your life is in Kolkata.’
everybody’s, specially your parents’ ‘What? Where were you? You
life.’ didn’t even care to tell me!’
Titiksha doesn’t respond but he ‘Did you care to call me from
notices her smiling looking at her Jaipur? Only messages, huh!’
laptop screen. The most humiliating thing for
‘What are you smiling at?’ Neel at this time is that she isn’t
‘Nothing.’ looking him in the eye while
‘Then answer me first, why talking. Earlier whenever she
didn’t you tell them I was in Jaipur. would get angry, she would look
You didn’t even pick up their calls.’ directly at him but not tonight.
With the last query Neel hopes ‘At least I cared to book the hotel
she would talk about what he for you.’
 Neel is quiet now. Whatever she or you’ll miss out on various other
said is true. What about him? He tastes.’
even fucked a girl; a school friend What does that mean? That she
of his in Jaipur. Does he even have is bored with him and wants
the right to ask Titiksha if she is someone else? Is she giving him
having an affair? hints so that he understands
‘One litre Pepsi. Please send it himself, and calls it quits without
upstairs right now,’ she orders on her having to explain much?
the phone. Neel guesses she must ‘Are you saying you are bored of
have called Ma Tara Stores—the me, Titiksha?’
local grocery store—downstairs. ‘I’m saying I am bored of Fanta.’
‘Since when did you start ‘That’s my favourite drink. Does
drinking Pepsi? Weren’t you a that mean you are bored of
Fanta lover?’ whatever interests me?’
‘I was, yes. Not anymore. I’ve ‘Now you are talking like
realized you can’t be too much into someone who has only been in one
the “everything lasts forever” shit, relationship all his life.’
 ‘What does that mean?’ ‘I’ll pluck one of your eyes with
‘Forget it.’ my own fingers.’
Just when Neel demands a ‘What if I tell you that I suspect
clarification, the doorbell rings. He you are having an affair?’
reluctantly goes to open the door, Titiksha laughs out in an eerie
collects the Pepsi, pays the money, manner as if Neel has just cracked a
and brings it to Titiksha in the joke after a long time. Then she
bedroom. suddenly turns serious.
‘What if…’ Neel takes his time to ‘I’ll pluck both your eyes out in
phrase it in his mind, and make that case.’
sure if he really wants to say it.
‘What if’ he repeats and
continues, ‘I tell you that I had a
fling in Jaipur?’ Neel is waiting for Nivrita inside
There is no answer from her for Flury’s in Park Street. He has kept
few seconds. Then she looks at him. his laptop bag on the adjacent chair.
Eye to eye. It’s a popular place but Neel is
visiting it for the first time. He read have dried considerably. He has a
Nivrita’s late night message on his faint stubble too. A waiter comes
phone in the morning which stated over and says, ‘Can I take your
she wanted to meet him here, for order, sir?’
her office is nearby, and start ‘Gimme a moment. I’m waiting
narrating him the story. Neel too for someone.’
wants to start with the novel ‘Right. And welcome back, sir.
immediately—enough of You have come here after a long
inspiration. time,’ the waiter beams at him in a
He wonders if he should talk way as if he means what he said.
about Titiksha to her. The abrupt He goes to another table.
change in her has affected Neel so After a long time? He must be
much that he couldn’t sleep well saying this to every customer. Neel
last night. His eyes have dark is pretty sure he has come here for
circles around them and his hair— the first time.
though he applied a lot of water— He looks at the entrance because
have funny curls, now that they Nivrita has just entered Flury’s. She
looks enraged. She sits down with a Now we turn to each other only
thud opposite Neel and holds her when one of us is horny.’
face as if she is trying to come to Neel tries to digest what Nivrita
terms with something disturbingly has just said. She makes sexual acts
important. sound so casual. How can anyone
‘What happened?’ be so casual about their sexual
‘That bugger is having an affair.’ escapades? It’s such a private thing.
‘Which bugger?’ Neel has problems seeing himself
‘My boy-mate.’ naked in a mirror, so how can he
What a coincidence! Neel not have a problem with the casual
wonders. Even Nivrita doubts her… confessional tone of Nivrita?
wait, what did she say? ‘Are you sure?’ he says.
‘What’s a boy-mate?’ ‘I was at home yesterday. He
‘He is the boy with whom I mate didn’t know. And he came home
when I feel the need. He used to be with a girl. Damn, I’m sure about
my boyfriend initially, but with it.’
time we stopped being friends. Neel’s face flinches. He has a
problem accepting the absurd did—‘private moments’ instead of
similarity of the events he had had the crude F-word. The first thing
at his place last night. Even he was Neel does after hearing the word is
waiting for Titiksha and she came see if anyone is looking at them.
in with a guy. Or so he guessed. Nobody is.
‘But didn’t we share private ‘Anyway, that’s my shit. How is
moments in Jaipur too?’ it going with your girlfriend? And
By probing on her guilt, Neel is yeah, please order something for
actually trying to calm his own me,’ she says and snaps her fingers.
guilt down. ‘Two cups of tea and a brownie,’
‘But he wasn’t there in the hotel Neel tells the waiter.
room while we were fucking each Titiksha is having an affair too.
other.’ Should he tell Nivrita about his
The way she puts it—blatantly suspicion?
straight—makes him feel ‘Titiksha is good.’ He chooses not
uncomfortable. He would have to, but realizes, for the first time
liked it if she had put it the way he that he has shared his girlfriend’s
name with Nivrita. He notices her side of the table.
sharp glance suggesting she did ‘Have you ever been snatched,
register the name. It seems like she Neel?’ she says looking at him
doesn’t quite like it. obliquely while mixing the sugar-
‘You know, I think it’s better to free in her tea.
have an affair with a willing and ‘Snatched?’
committed person rather than an ‘Yeah snatched. What if I snatch
unwilling single one.’ you from Titiksha?’
‘How do you know who is The sound of her statement has
willing and who is not?’ something deeply and dominantly
A sly smile appears on Nivrita’s sexual about it that he has to adjust
face, ‘Whoever comes to a girl’s his legs a bit in order to hide the
hotel room at night is willing.’ The instant erection. He blushes and
smile takes a caught-you-there ends up looking stupid in a cute
form. way.
The waiter comes half a minute ‘Forget it,’ she says judging his
later and places the order on her dilemma. ‘Instead tell me what is
sex according to you? And what is ‘I can’t articulate it well. Why
love?’ don’t you tell me about it?’ Neel
Neel sips his tea and thinks, Why surrenders.
does she ask so many questions? ‘Sex is when two bodies worship
Especially the ones whose answers are a each other’s hearts. Love is
far cry for him. following the rituals leading to that
‘Sex is…you know what sex is. worship and thereafter.’
Love is…love is…’ Neel loses his erection. He gapes
‘Love is…?’ She licks the at Nivrita. She is one of those gifts
chocolate sauce from her lips which wraps which, when opened, gives
a brownie piece has left while she way to another gift wrap and
shifted it from the plate to her another and so on, surprising you
mouth. Neel can’t help but think as well as arousing your curiosity to
that now he knows her tongue is the hilt as to what exactly is it that
tastier than both the chocolate and is wrapped in the end.
brownie. He sucked it well that ‘I’ll have to scoot. But I’m free
night. after lunch. I want to take you
somewhere.’ Nivrita is quick to are teenagers in the first half and
gobble up the rest of the brownie. then she didn’t answer his query
‘Where?’ about the second half. ‘Is it some
‘Many authors have told me that fluffy high school romance?’ he
when you go to a place where the asks.
story actually begins in your novel, ‘Neel Chatterjee’ the words slip
you write better.’ out of her mouth in an overtly
‘Logical! So where does your seductive manner as she leans
story begin?’ towards him.
‘Our story. From today it’s your ‘Never’ she now whispers,
story as well, Neel.’ ‘judge a story by its setting.’
Neel senses a longing in her He gives her a forced smile of
voice which wasn’t there before. acknowledgement.
‘Right!’ he says. For the next four hours, Neel
‘It’s a school.’ kills time by browsing books inside
‘A school?’ He remembers she the Oxford Bookstore in Park
did tell him that the protagonists Street. He is amazed to see so many
Indian authors’ books. Eighty dedicated PR team promoting the
percent of them look and read the book on a monthly basis.’
same. Replicating anything that is ‘So you are saying if one wants
successful is a disease with Indians to earn crores from a book as an
in every sphere. Twenty percent of author, he or she has to put in
the books are marginally better. He lakhs?’
hopes to make it to the 20 percent ‘That’s right. In fact I believe the
soon. As he peruses the books, he term “bestseller author” will soon
overhears two youngsters talk. be extinct and it will be substituted
‘You don’t see many foreign by a more suitable and more
authors in the Indian bestseller lists practiced term like “best-branded”
these days. That’s an amazing author.’
thing,’ says one. ‘Don’t the publishers help?’
‘Not really,’ says the other. ‘I ‘They are the God. And God
think in five years’ time, only those helps those who help themselves, if
Indian authors will feature in the you know what I mean!’
bestseller’s list who have a The two youngsters break into
mild laughter and move on to upsetting her then he has nothing
another book rack away from Neel. to lose but a lot to gain.
Neel has absorbed every word At precisely 1.45 pm he moves
they just said. He has money but out of the bookstore and reaches
doesn’t have as much as they said the nearby Trinca’s Bar and
one should to turn one’s book into a Restaurant. Nivrita eventually joins
hot property. His father has loads him. They cross the road and hail a
of cash, but he doesn’t want to take taxi.
it from him. It’s now that he ‘Salt Lake, CA Block,’ she tells
realizes how important Nivrita is the driver.
for his dream to come true. She had ‘Here.’ She takes out two paper
said she would personally see that boxes and two plastic forks. She
the book gets marketed properly. gives one box to Neel.
How many debut authors are given He opens the box and beams, ‘I
that kind of offer? For that if he love Chinese.’
needs to compromise only a bit and ‘I know.’
play on with Nivrita without
Neel’s face stones up. ‘You
know? How?’ ‘I have no idea.’
‘I had a crush on you during Nivrita laughs. ‘I was only
school days. The first thing one playing with words. Don’t look this
does when one has a crush on serious.’
someone is collect as much Neel relaxes. He swallows and
information about the person as asks, ‘So what’s the name of the
possible.’ school?’
‘But how do you know so much
about me? I mean I rarely came to
school.’
Nivrita takes a bite of the They both are standing in front of a
noodles and says, ‘Tell me, lust is private school now. On the big
lust till it falls in love. But what’s rusty iron gate of the school
love when it falls in lust?’ entrance is written: Salt Lake
Neel’s mouth is stuffed but he International School.
doesn’t swallow it. Instead he ‘Just wait inside,’ Nivrita says
blabbers in a funny manner. and walks towards a wretched
looking shanty-shop on the far stands as if Neel has slapped him.
right corner outside the school. ‘Have you forgotten me?’
Neel doesn’t mind entering the ‘You are probably mistaken. I
campus. never studied in this school.’
As he waits inside the campus by ‘I used to call you Neel baba and
the main gate, someone taps his you used called me Abdul chacha.’
shoulder from behind. He turns to Neel shrugs saying, ‘As I said it
see an old man in a khaki uniform. wasn’t me.’
He is clean shaven with heavily The old man is still not
oiled but neatly combed hair. convinced. He also has a
‘I couldn’t believe but I was sure pronounced disappointment on his
from the distance it was you. You face as if he believes Neel does not
haven’t changed much Neel baba.’ recognize him intentionally.
Neel frowns. He is seeing the ‘Baba, I have been working here
man for the first time in his life. for forty years now. By now may be
‘I didn’t get you.’ forty thousand students, at least,
For a few seconds the man have passed out but never before
have I mistaken to recognize any Neel recollects his freaky
student.’ A pause later he reaction to Lappan’s cigarette. But
continues, ‘I used to like you a lot how is it possible that this man
and I still remember how I was knows him when he has never even
suspended for a week, my only been to this school before? He hears
suspension till date, when you the old guard say, ‘I understand.
requested me for a smoke. I denied Maybe you are a big man now and
but you kept insisting, and I don’t want to recognize an old
allowed you one puff from my bidi security guard like me. It’s okay
and the smoke choked your vocal Neel baba.’
cord, and you were hospitalized for Neel feels bad. For a moment he
a day. From then on you never wants to accept what the old man is
smoked. Well, though I was saying. By then Nivrita arrives
suspended but I was happy at least dangling a packet of cigarettes.
the fear would never let you take ‘Sorry, I always buy one from the
up something as self-destructive as shopkeeper there whenever I come
smoking.’ here. Old ties never die.’
 Nivrita doesn’t seem to care the bust.
about the old man. Neel doesn’t say On his left he can see a shade
anything to him either and follows beyond which there is a basketball
Nivrita inside. For once he does court. He follows Nivrita to that
turn around only to notice the old court. As he tries to keep up with
man still gaping at him. Forty years her, he asks, ‘Pretty big school. It
of work he had said, the man needs doesn’t look like it has such an
a break for sure. He deliberately expanse from the outside.’
doesn’t tell Nivrita about it, lest she Nivrita turns for once and says,
thinks he has gone mad. ‘The outside and the inside are two
Few metres from the school gate different things Neel. Don’t try to
is a white bust of a man at the guess the latter by studying the
centre of a small but well- former.’
maintained garden. It is of the man Neel wonders if she was being
who built the school some forty- witty and there was more to what
five years ago. The information is she had said. She doesn’t clarify
written on the marble slab below though. Neel soon forgets about it.
 Midway through the basketball since it’s supposedly school hours.
court, Nivrita turns right and enters Finally they are on the second
a small gate and into the bigger floor’s corridor.
building which is spread on either ‘Where are the students?’ Neel
side of the bust from outside. Neel inquires still looking around.
is right behind her looking around ‘It’s a holiday today.’
and taking mental notes of things. ‘Why?’
‘This is where the secondary ‘They had their annual sports
classes happen from standard 6 to event the other day so today is a
12. Most of the story happens in holiday.’
this building,’ she says. ‘And they have allowed us
Though there’s a long corridor inside?’
ahead but Nivrita takes the stairs to ‘I have the principal’s permission
the immediate left of the small with me.’
entrance. He follows. They climb Finally Nivrita enters one of the
up to the second floor. There is no classrooms. Neel follows close
sound which seems a bit weird behind.
 ‘This is exactly where the story Neel is considering her
begins.’ suggestion: a male writing from the
Something about the way point of view of a female. It would
Nivrita says it makes Neel wonder be tough for him, he feels.
if it’s her personal story. Then why ‘It may give us a marketing edge
didn’t she write it herself if she too,’ Nivrita says next.
wants to share it with readers? Why Hearing the words ‘marketing
does she need a writer for it? And edge’ Neel says, ‘Okay.’
that too someone who has not ‘Great!’
written a single book! Seconds ‘If you don’t mind may I ask you
later, he thanks God for making her something?’
choose him to write the story. ‘Sure.’
‘I would appreciate it if you Nivrita now goes and sits by a
write the story with a female bench at the back.
protagonist in mind. It would be ‘Is this your story?’
interesting: a male writer writing
‘I told you this is our story.’
from the point of view of a female.’
‘No, what I mean is this your
personal story?’ like reading about the writer’s
‘This is Neel and Titiksha’s personal story more than enjoying a
story.’ so called fictional story.’
For a moment Neel stands ‘So even if it is not my story you
frozen. Then he thinks, ‘Alright, want me to write it in a way as if it
she is joking,’ he laughs out. is?’
‘It’s not a joke. You can stop ‘Yes. You can say its reality
laughing.’ There’s intent in her fiction. There’s as much reality in
voice. fiction as there is in reality
Neel immediately closes his television. Always remember, only
mouth tight. two things sell in India—sex and
‘What do you mean?’ he asks sympathy. It’s because there’s a
carrying a cocktail of incredulity large, very large, number of Indians
and bewilderment on his face. who are gullible, ignorant, and
‘What I really mean is the unaware. Hence, I think you should
present English popular fiction lend your and your girlfriend’s
scenario in India is such that people name to the protagonists in the
story. With that the chance of going slowly ambles towards the corner
closer to the readers will also most seats in the classroom. Just the
increase. Secondly, if you write the debut book. Let me get published first
story from the point of view of a then I’ll publish what I want to write,
female, it would tell readers how he tells himself and in the next
much you know women. Not every instant he hears Nivrita speak.
guy can write a touching story from ‘Great. So should I start
a girl’s point of view.’ narrating you the story? It begins in
Neel takes a few minutes to 1995.’
absorb what Nivrita has just said by ‘1995? That’s like quite a long
pacing up and down the classroom. time back. Can’t we make it
Only the ceiling fan’s creaking contemporary?’
noise is audible. Nivrita keeps Nivrita is quiet.
looking at him, confident of his ‘It’s fiction after all, so how does
answer. it matter if we change the year
‘Alright, the protagonists will from 1995 to let’s say 2013? The
have Titiksha and my names.’ He essence is important, don’t you
think?’ Neel argues. Before he can react to this absurd
‘Right,’ says Nivrita. ‘Moreover coincidence he hears Nivrita say,
there are certain realities which no ‘Let me start narrating.’
degree of fictionalization can Not every Titiksha is the Titiksha
change.’ he knows, Neel thinks quickly, and
Neel casually wipes a layer of says, ‘Wait! Let me bring out my
dust with his fingertip from the last laptop,’ bringing out his Macbook
wooden seat and makes himself Pro from his bag.
comfortable on it. There is quite a ‘One last request, Neel.’ Nivrita
distance between the two since puts her legs on one of the benches
Nivrita is sitting at the left corner of to attain a more comfortable
the classroom by the wall while position.
Neel is sitting at the right corner, ‘What?’
where the windows are. He ‘Write the story in past tense.’
casually looks at the desk and at ‘Past tense?’
one corner he notices a word ‘I feel there’s this pain associated
sculpted: Titiksha. with past tense. It gives me a
feeling that what had to happen that.’
has happened. Nothing can change Neel’s Macbook Pro is ready
it. The story I am about to tell you now. So is he.
has already happened. Neither the ‘Okay, I’m ready. By the way can
lives the story has touched while it you please tell me a name for the
was happening can be changed nor story; a working title of sorts,’ Neel
the damage it has caused to its says waiting to type whatever
characters can now be undone. Nivrita shall suggest.
That’s the power of the past. It Nivrita smiles at him as if she
can’t be undone—come what may!’ has been expecting this question.
Neel takes a moment to relax his ‘For the time being,’ she says,
mind. He has a feeling that it ‘Let’s name it: Ex.’
would be an interesting story.
‘Or you can intersperse the past
tense with abrupt conversations
where the author seems to be
talking to the readers. I won’t mind
 easy. But when I think
back now, being easy was
never being Titiksha
either.
WORKING TITLE: Where do I start?
Introductions have always
‘EX’ made me feel awkward for
From Neel’s they lead to impressions.
I was never fond of
Manuscript impressions. If I tell you
that my age when this
story began was sixteen,
that I had a killer
figure, cute smile, sexy
eyes, sweet voice, and a
l frank nature enough to
floor any guy, then you
Being Titiksha was never
would immediately guess just crash land? I was
that I was a high school indeed sixteen but fat
bombshell. Some of you (never cared to weigh
will create an image of me myself), regularly had
and fantasize about me, pimples (one went the
wishing for my look-alike other appeared but
to be your next thankfully they didn’t
girlfriend. My thoughts leave much of marks), wore
would not let you sleep or old fashioned thick specs,
allow you any inner peace. always kept my hair in a
In short, my image will pony (I was never a
torment your mind, heart, shampoo model), reserved
and life—all in an (I never mixed with people
enticing manner. but observed everything
Hold your breath now. I from a distance), and no
was nothing of the above. boy ever looked at me
Did your flight of fantasy twice. And one more
important and very real
thing about me: I didn’t sixteen, I was royally and
give a shit about what deliciously screwed by
people thought of me if life.
they at all did. Three important things
Whatever I’ll tell you happened the year I
is my life but not crossed sixteen.
entirely my story. One’s The first important
life cannot be one’s story thing: My parents
only. And if your life is divorced.
only your story, it means For me it was an
it has surely been a eventuality. I knew about
waste. Even my life was a this. I prayed for this.
waste till I was sixteen. Why would a child pray for
From then on, my story her parents’ divorce? Oh,
ceased being my story you wouldn’t have asked
alone. What I’m trying to this if you were in my
tell you is that post place. I have grown up
hearing what a mistake I everyone came across a day
was for my parents. They when one’s life’s story
never told me this ceases to be one’s only.
directly but whenever they Life’s best/worst trick,
fought, which was all the however, was that even
time, either mom said it after knowing well that
to dad or dad told mom everybody goes through
that they didn’t plan and similar shit, I felt my
conceived me. I was an classmates, friends, or
accident. Titiksha was an acquaintances were a tad
accident for them. I guess bit better placed than me
that explains why they in life. It kind of made
never really cared for my me feel better to be not
needs and wants. I grew up better than people around
the way I did because I me. An emotional paradox;
had to. I soon understood finding happiness in the
everyone had issues, fact that I was facing
everyone had problems, and
bigger problems than I’d never known what love
others. In a strange way, was. I only guessed it as
it made me feel something some kind of a magic in a
worthwhile was happening person which called for
in my life. More the shit, another person’s emotional
more the worth was what I attention. I have craved
concluded. to feel that magic in me,
At nights before sleep but have never come across
took over, I always anyone who made me feel
wondered if I would have that magic in me. If you
been the same person if my plant a tree in the
parents had conceived me presence of high power
after proper planning. lights from day to night,
Probably then they would how does it matter? It
have felt responsible will need sunlight to
enough to care for me. And grow. I was not healthy. I
love me. Love! Till then felt like a weed which had
grown because somewhere,
someone forgot to clean probably was another side
up. I existed, I occupied effect of being an adult:
space. That was about it. nobody said anything
I didn’t feel inferior, straight. The truth was
but I did feel unwanted. both mom and dad wanted to
The saddest thing was I lead an independent life.
allowed life to convince When I complained to mom
me that I didn’t deserve about how shifting school
anything good. Till of wouldn’t help me since I
course I crossed sixteen. was used to the school I
One of the reasons why I was studying in from
was shifted to my kindergarten, she only
grandmother’s place was to asked me to learn to live
safeguard me from people with things which I didn’t
who loved to poke into my appreciate. A happy life
life. Or so mom told me. I isn’t the one where you
knew she was lying. That got everything you wanted.
A happy life is how well
you accept the things to him.
given to you; she’d told Mom got custody of me
me. I never complained to and left me with Yo-didun
her again. I knew she was (I called my grandmother
going through a lot of by that nickname because
stress. I had seen her the first day she
doing things which only surprised me by saying her
dad used to do before— favourite TV channel was
smoke and drink. She would MTV!). Yo-didun lived in
also be in a ready-to- her house in Salt Lake.
fight mood most of the Earlier I was in
times. Those were the days Ballygunge, South Kolkata,
when whatever connections in a two bed-room flat
I felt towards her slowly with mom and dad. I was
diminished. I never comfortable living in a
understood dad so I never house with less people and
cared about what happened more empty spaces. But at
Yo-didun’s place there glasses of milk during
were a lot of people; my breakfast but not me. They
maternal uncle, Ashok had eggs regularly too. I
mama, his wife, Bijoya got it only during
mami, his two sons—Sandip weekends. She gave their
and Shib. I hated them clothes to laundry whereas
all. They hated me even I had to wash and iron my
more. Mama hated me clothes myself. If I had
because I was better than periods, I was made to eat
his sons in studies. and stay separate from
Sandip was of my age and them. When Sandip and Shib
Shib was two years studied, nobody was
younger. Both had the allowed to watch
brains of a donkey. I television at home. When I
didn’t exactly know why studied, the television’s
Bijoya mami hated me but volume kept ascending at
she did. She always gave will. Every Thursday mama,
Sandip and Shib full
mami, and their sons dined time when she oil-massaged
out but not me. That day my head at night. She knew
Yo-didun prepared dinner I was being neglected at
for both of us. I helped mama’s place but she told
her as much as I could. me to focus on studies so
‘Shonamoni, you’ll have that I could stand on my
the happiest husband,’ Yo- feet, and have my own
didun always told me life. She said women
whenever I helped her with should always be
cooking. She thought my financially independent.
cooking was fabulous. That was precisely my goal
Honestly she was the only too. I didn’t exactly know
person whose company I what I wanted to do in
enjoyed. She never asked life but I knew I wanted
me much but answered a lot to be financially
of my queries. I independent, and not rely
especially enjoyed the on anybody else for money.
Another thing I was sure
of was whenever I would complained to Yo-didun
conceive a child with a about it. All she said
man, it would never be out was, ‘Adults don’t know
of ignorance. My child how to decide for
would never be an themselves, but they
accident. reserve the divine right
The second important to decide for their kids.’
thing: I changed my We shared a hi-five.
school. Actually, I was I accepted the change of
forced into doing it. school too just like the
My earlier school, other changes in my life.
Calcutta High, was in Of course I was not an
South Kolkata and since it adult so I was not free to
was too far away from make an issue out of
mama’s place, I was everything. I was never
admitted to Salt Lake attached to anyone in my
International. I old school so in the end,
I was okay with the shift. in handy for me later on
Yo-didun advised me to in life. She was right.
stay away from attachment. Once, while I was oil-
‘Attachment isn’t massaging her scalp, I
everyone’s cup of tea,’ asked her why she didn’t
she’d remarked. marry post Dadu’s demise.
I was pretty sure that I She was just thirty-one
would never be attached to when my Dadu died. She
anything. That’s just the said it was because she
way I was. I enjoyed was attached to Dadu. And
things till they were when one is attached to
around me. Then if I had someone, there’s no room
to go away, I went away. for anybody else. So for
No fuss. No tears. Yo- forty years following
didun thought it was dadu’s death, Yo-didun
actually a blessing in lived alone because she
disguise which would come was attached to dadu.
Forty years! life-altering moments
‘A momentary presence of seemed like to begin with.
a person, at times, can As I dived deeper I knew
comfortably numb his it was anything but
absence from your life,’ simple. Why or what made
she said. Attachment, me dive deeper anyway? Why
indeed, was a dangerous wasn’t I happy with only
thing—I made a note of it the face value of the
in my mind. incident considering the
The third important fact that I generally was
thing: This is something happy with the face value
confusing. of most things? Reading
On the face of it, it between the lines, digging
seemed like a simple deep, and finding profound
thing. Too simple to be meaning to something
significant. I later otherwise stupid, bored
realized that’s what most me. But by the time I
realized what had
happened, I was already she said beaming from ear
deep enough in it to let to ear as if it was a
go of the feelings that joke.
mobbed my heart. When I I relaxed knowing I
narrated the incident to wasn’t the only one to
Yo-didun, she said, ‘Did feel the electricity Yo-
it feel like some didun talked about, or the
electricity ran through special bulb in my heart
you and lit a special bulb she mentioned, at sixteen.
in your heart?’
I found myself nodding
positively. 2
‘How did you know this The ‘special bulb’
Yo-didun?’ incident happened on a
‘It happens. Especially Friday which was also my
when one is sixteen, it first day at Salt Lake
happens exactly that way,’ International school. The
weather was hot and humid. worn it to the vegetable
It wasn’t cloudy in the market. When mami went
morning but it suddenly away to the kitchen, I
started raining the moment showed her the middle
I stepped out of the finger. I wanted to show
house. When I requested it to her on her face but
Bijoya mami for an curbed myself from doing
umbrella, because I wasn’t so. Piyali used to appear
able to find mine, she regularly at Yo-didun’s
said there were three place and at times even
umbrellas all of which had stayed over. She was a
been taken by mama, couple of years younger to
Sandip, and Shib. I had a Bijoya mami but was
raincoat too but after unmarried.
searching for it for ten Finally, Yo-didun gave
long minutes, Bijoya mami me her 20-year-old
informed me that her dear umbrella which was
younger sister, Piyali has
embarrassingly huge. I running inside the campus.
didn’t have an option, but As I stood alone gasping
I still didn’t take it. for breath, I suddenly
With a little money from noticed everyone was
Yo-didun, I managed to looking at me mockingly. I
summon a cycle-rickshaw was pretty sure I wasn’t
passing by which took me wearing any special
to my new school. I ran as newcomer’s robe to my new
fast as I could to a school, so why were they
shaded enclosure inside staring at me? Half a
the school campus where minute later, I realized
other students were my blue bra line was
gossiping among completely visible through
themselves. I guessed this the white cotton school
was where the morning shirt, totally wet by now.
assembly took place. The Okay, time for a secret:
rain had only increased at sixteen I had well
its fury while I was
developed breasts. Like a they’d also notice my fat,
woman’s. specs, pony, and what not.
With humiliation I was proud of what I was
clouding my mind, I didn’t but for the first time
know what to do next. The their stares hurt me. I
girls and boys were quickly covered my bosom
chuckling among with my school bag.
themselves. My earlier A girl came up to me.
school was a girl’s school After I told her I was a
and now seeing the boys newcomer, she showed me to
ogling at me and my bra- my class: 11, Science. I
line got to me. I started scampered to the adjacent
crying. I had never cried building. I may have
in front of anyone before looked funny while doing
but that day was so, but I was happy to
different. More so because finally disappear from the
I knew staring at me sight.
 The corridor was empty desperately wishing to dry
when I climbed the last up before the assembly
step to reach it. Second breaks and students began
floor, the girl had said, to pour into the
and then the third classroom. All the
classroom to the left. I cacophony coming from
checked a brown coloured outside kept subsiding
square wooden plate pinned steadily.
above on the right corner A minute later it was
of the door. It had ‘11- all quiet. I heard a
Sc.’ written on it. sudden noise in the
I was relieved to find classroom. I looked around
the classroom empty. I but there was nothing.
closed the door, switched Something fell on the
on all the fans, and stood floor. I scurried towards
under the one right at the the door stupidly fearing
centre of the room, it to be some blood-
thirsty-lost-soul. Shreya, came up from behind the
a classmate from my table. The blood-thirsty-
previous school, used to lost-soul was a boy. If
share the stories of all not a soul, I was sure he
the ghost/ was a vampire. This
vampire/supernatural vampire boy had a caught-
movies she had watched. red-handed look on his
Then I used to watch them, face.
after which we freaked out ‘I’m sorry.’ he said.
together discussing it. ‘What are you?’ I asked.
The blood-thirsty-lost- ‘Who are you?’ He
soul soon popped its head stressed on ‘who’ as if to
up from under a table. I point out that my English
could see its eyes; sucked.
sparkling black. Its hair ‘Titiksha.’ If he was
was slightly ruffled in really a vampire, I
the front. Slowly its face thought, it would be
difficult to hide things he really a vampire and
from him anyway, and thus only blood was his
I decided to speak the priority?
truth. I’m a newcomer and…’ I
‘Why are you not in the didn’t finish my sentence
assembly? And which class because I suffered a loud
are you in?’ sneeze.
‘Class 11, Science.’ At ‘Sor…’ Before I could
that moment I realized he apologize, I sneezed
was yet to look beyond my again.
face though he could have ‘Sorry,’ I completed
easily looked at my quickly.
breast-hugging wet shirt ‘If you don’t tell
like the others. Was he anyone you just saw me
blind? Or, did my breast having my tiffin here,
detest him so much that he then I think I can help
was ignoring them? Or, was you.’
 Help me? By sucking my were cute. He was the
blood? ‘I actually didn’t first Indian vampire I had
see you have anything,’ I seen. Or so I thought.
said. ‘You said you could help
‘Great.’ me. How?’ I was just being
He almost jumped out of curious. There was
the last bench, wiping his something about him—I
face with a handkerchief. don’t know what—that
He was about the same compelled me to continue
height as me. As he came the conversation
closer, I realized that ‘It’s simple but you
the vampire boy was have to be quick. You
actually a couple of game?’
inches taller, with a He extended his hand
healthy figure, a charming towards me. Seconds later
face, and a cute nose. I understood I needed to
Vampires around the world hit it in order for him to
speak further. I clapped ‘Trust me, I want to.
his palm with mine. Moreover it’s raining so
‘Cool! If you keep nobody will doubt if it is
wearing that shirt of my shirt or not,’ he
yours, you will fall sick smiled. This vampire boy
on your very first day of was weird.
school. So if you want, we ‘Okay,’ I said,
can swap our shirts.’ confirming the shirt-
I liked the way he swapping deal between us.
relayed my problem to me; ‘Alright. I’ll give you
not with an indecent look my shirt and stand outside
or a smart ass comment but the classroom, but be
with a genuine solution. quick. The assembly,’ he
‘But won’t you fall sick said and looked at his
if you wear my wet shirt?’ wristwatch once before
I asked stating the continuing, ‘will be over
obvious. in two more minutes, max!’
 I nodded suddenly would crisscross in the
interested in this ordeal. near future?
He moved out and closed ‘Quick,’ he quipped. I
the classroom door behind gave him my wet shirt. His
him. I would have never shirt fit me quite well.
gone through such a Half a minute later, when
ridiculous shirt-swapping he pulled open the
deal with any other guy, classroom door from
on any other day. But was outside, I felt happy to
it any other day and any see mine fit him rather
other guy? If life had a better than I had
flash forward button, I imagined. For the first
would have pressed it then time, my large size was of
and there to find out who some help. The bell rang
this guy was, would he again. The assembly was
ever mean anything to me, over.
and if at all our roads ‘See you,’ he trailed
off and walked away 3
whistling some tune.
Yo-didun was right. A I washed the vampire boy’s
special sort of shirt the moment I came
electricity did run back from school. If you
through me that day while think that’s funny, listen
watching the vampire boy to this: I stood by the
walk away from me in the rope where I had placed it
corridor. Somewhere within on the terrace to dry and,
my heart, a bulb did light like a fool, kept staring
up. A bulb which I was at it till it dried in the
ignorant of till then. evening.
Most importantly for the I ironed the shirt,
first time in my life, I folded it neatly, put it
felt connected to the inside a nice plastic bag,
magic in me. This boy had and then kept it beside my
to be a vampire. school bag to give it to
him on Monday. All the
while I kept asking life. He said as I’ll grow
myself, what the hell was up, the idealist in me
I doing washing a will die a slow and sure
stranger’s shirt? Didn’t death. For it is life’s
he belong to the same incorrigible habit to take
species as dad who left my us to a point where we
mother? The day dad make certain decisions and
informed me that he would swear to stand by it, and
go away and live with this then it is life again that
other woman, I had takes us to another point
promised him that I would in time where in order to
never give any man a get what we want, we have
chance to reject me for to compromise that very
another of my species or decision of ours.
of his own. He said I was Post dinner, looking at
a kid and hence thought my unusually lost self,
like an idealist just like Yo-didun told me about the
he did at one point in his
lighting of bulb thing. I Physics notes from a
finally realized that I fellow classmate’s
had washed the vampire notebook, and then went to
boy’s shirt not because he the terrace to ponder over
saved me from a possible the matter. For the first
Pneumonia attack. I washed time, I felt an urge in me
his shirt, dried and to be attached knowing
ironed it for a different well attachments were a
reason. I knew what that dangerous proposition. But
reason was but the point wasn’t it attachment,
was the reason was in again, that made people
direct conflict with what dare the impossibilities
I had decided the day the of their routine life?
divorce was finalized I was finally summoned
between my parents. downstairs, and
I quickly copied certain reprimanded by Ashok mama
important English and for being on the terrace
for no business because gently.
according to Bijoya mami ‘I’m feeling sleepy,’ I
the neighbourhood is full lied.
of bad boys, and that Yo-didun’s eyes shone
girls of decent houses with an amusing twinkle.
don’t go to the terrace ‘Love is just like
for no reason. I didn’t sleep,’ she said. ‘When it
react. When I told Yo- happens, you invariably
didun I wasn’t hungry, she close your eyes to the
understood something was world and remain
troubling me. She sat down disconnected. You travel
beside me on my bed and beyond time and space. You
stroked my forehead. It float in the river of
felt good whenever she did realization, you climb the
that. mountains of compassion,
‘What happened, and you fly over the
Shonamoni?’ she asked valley of emotions with
the wings of faith. By the It was mandatory for us to
time you open your eyes change seats and partners
again, you may have—just in every period because
may have—missed out on a our class teacher believed
lot, but then it is okay, the worst thing we could
for by then you gain much allow life to do to us was
more than you missed.’ make us accustomed to
It was evident she things. By changing seats,
understood my problem. I she said, we were
was glad someone did. I embracing the concept of
was just having a problem change so that we didn’t
accepting my problem. How panic whenever we
could I fall for a vampire encountered change of any
boy in just a few minutes sort—be it in a
of our meeting? relationship, job,
domestic life, or
whatever.
4
 Before interval, I was tuition classes from that
sitting with a weirdo who very evening. It was Nisha
didn’t talk to me at all who told me about Neel.
except for asking me which Finally I had got to know
deodorant I used. Post the vampire boy’s name.
lunch break, I was sitting Neel and Titiksha—the
with a girl named Nisha names sounded perfect
who looked like a sweet together. That’s how most
person. She told me about stories start, isn’t it?
all the subjects I was Something somewhere seems
lagging behind in, and so perfect that the
also which teacher gave thought creates a rippling
private tuitions. I did impulse within us and we
ask my mathematics start sleeping with its
teacher, Rajiv sir, about possibility.
it later, and he said I In the evening, I went
was free to join his to Rajiv sir’s house.
Though Bijoya mami was of them was the vampire
against me taking tuitions boy: Neel. Though Rajiv
since it would have given sir was teaching, I was
me a chance to better finding it difficult to
myself than her sons, she concentrate. I kept
couldn’t say much since it furtively glancing at
was my mom’s money I was Neel. But he didn’t look
using to give the tuition up at me even once. As if
fees. The truth of the he wasn’t interested in
matter was that I could me. And why would he be
tackle other subjects interested? At that moment
without private tuitions I wished something which I
but mathematics was a shouldn’t have. I wished I
bitch. wasn’t me. I wished I was
I was surprised to find some hot-looking model who
almost half of my class at can make guys drool.
Rajiv sir’s house. And one Whatever nonsense people
say, I think beauty is
important. Who has the would come here?’
time to know a person and ‘Nisha told me.’
then fall in love anyway? Of course! But why did
Would I have glanced at Nisha had to tell you this
Neel if he was obese, specifically? Did he
thick browed, and half- inquire about me? I
bald? wondered.
It was only after the ‘What happened to you?’
tuition got over and we I said.
were about to leave that ‘What happened to me?’
Neel gave me my shirt- he echoed.
washed and ironed. I was ‘I mean why didn’t you
tempted to inquire whether come to school today?’
he had washed it himself ‘Great, you noticed!’
but realized how stupid it
‘Yes. That’s because I
would sound and hence
wanted to give you your
asked, ‘How did you know I
shirt. I had brought it
with me to school today. I beauty wasn’t everything
don’t have it now.’ The after all. I was supposed
justification was not to take a cycle-rickshaw
required, still. from the tuition back home
‘You can give it to me but I gave him a walk-is-
tomorrow.’ fine shrug even though I
‘Okay.’ was screaming with joy
‘Where do you stay?’ from within.
‘Salt Lake,’ I said. He was traipsing beside
‘And you?’ me with his Hero Ranger
‘Paikpara. We can walk cycle between us. It was a
to your home if you don’t quiet night. But don’t ask
mind.’ me about the noise I was
‘Isn’t Paikpara far from experiencing inside. It
Salt Lake?’ was noise because I could
hear it aloud but I
‘It is but I’m in no
couldn’t make out what
hurry to go home.’ So
exactly it was telling me. breaking the silence
There weren’t many people between us. I was happy
on the road either. The for I feared we would end
area was much more up walking home without
lonelier than the one in saying a word. I was a bit
which I used to stay in nervous to initiate any
South Kolkata. We were talks. This was so new to
just the two of us with a me; walking alongside a
cycle-rickshaw or two boy. Correction: walking
passing by us with alongside a cute vampire
sometimes an indifferent, boy.
and at times an ‘Practice? As in?’
inquisitive looking ‘I play guitar.’
passenger on it. ‘Really?’ I was into
‘I didn’t come to school music myself; heavy metal,
today because I had death metal, rock, jazz,
practice,’ Neel said R&B. You name it and I
knew it. Though I was yet today. My house garage is
to learn a musical our makeshift den. Would
instrument but guitar was love to have you come and
surely a musical turn on watch us play one day.’
for me. ‘Deal!’
‘Yes. We have a school ‘Do you sing?’
band.’ ‘Oh no! I write.’
Even better! ‘Wow, He gave me a surprised
great!’ glance and said,
‘You like music?’ ‘Paintbrush needs a good
‘Hell, yes! What’s your songwriter.’
band called?’ I smiled. My words, his
‘Paintbrush.’ tune. Never before had a
‘Awesome. When do I get thought given me the kind
to hear some of your of chill like this one
stuff?’ did. My heartbeats were
‘Soon. We practised sounding totally different
that night. okay.’
We took a turn. With the ‘What does your father
road turning lonelier, I do?’ Neel asked.
felt nosier inside me. I Whatever noise I was
didn’t know if the night connected to vanished, and
was a figment of my as if someone pushed me
imagination or reality. I back to reality when I was
prayed and hoped I wasn’t so ready to jump off from
in the middle of a dream. its edge and onto the
The gush of wind was oblivion of love with a
pretty consistent. The faith whose name was Neel.
moment I got used to it ‘He works in a real
caressing my skin, I estate firm. And your
thought the breeze was father?’ I said.
sweet-talking to my heart, ‘Businessman. We have
‘I know what’s there shops in Hathibagan, Ram
inside you. And it’s Mandir, and New Market. We
deal in clothes, there all through. But I
especially Jaamdani and want to live the life of a
Toshore saris.’ wind-shift co-ordinates
‘That’s nice.’ continuously, go wherever
‘Nice? That’s boring. I want to, and make people
You know my father has aware of my fucking
been sitting in the first existence.’ A pause later
shop—Hathibagan— since he he added, ‘Sorry for the
was of my age. Now he F-word.’
shuttles between three ‘Why the fuck are you
shops. I don’t want to sorry about that fucking
waste something as word?’ I quipped.
precious as life running We laughed out aloud.
from one shop to another. ‘What it is that you
Everyone seems to choose a want to do? As in, do in
specific coordinate in life?’ I asked curiously.
their life and remain I wanted to know more
about him through his by the time I’m thirty.’
thoughts. His rebellious ‘Thirty? Why?’
instinct was such an ‘If you don’t die by the
emotional turn on for me. time you are thirty, you
He kept looking at me as are so dead anyway after
if he didn’t get me. that.’
‘I mean…’ I couldn’t stop
‘I know what you mean. I laughing.
want to be a rockstar. ‘Your smile is
Travel to countries, beautiful.’
continents with my music I paused. Looked at him.
band. Sign autographs on There was something in his
fans’ biceps and bosoms. eyes that scared me. All
Live a very unsettled and the noise within me
Bohemian life. Have sexy suddenly came forth with a
groupies following me. Do greater gusto. Nobody ever
drugs. Do girls. And die appreciated anything about
me. Never ever. And here couldn’t.
was this supposed vampire I didn’t sleep that
boy who thought my smile night. At four in the
was beautiful. This morning, I went to the
vampire boy was special. bathroom and looked at
He was not sucking my myself in the mirror. I
blood, but he was slowly smiled. Was my smile
sucking me out of me. really beautiful? Why had
‘There’s my place. I’ll I never thought so before?
give you your shirt Depressed, I went to bed
tomorrow,’ I said and even and forced myself to
before I could hear his sleep.
reply, I walked towards my Next day as I stood
mama’s house at a brisk under the shed in school,
pace. I wanted to turn waiting for the assembly
back and see if he was bell to ring so I could
looking but I didn’t. I talk to Nisha about a
particular problem in
Physics, someone came up Chapter 6
to me. She was fair, had a
trendy haircut, and a slim
figure. In short, she was
everything I was not. WILL NEEL INTRODUCE TO
The next second she NIVRITA?
slapped me hard across my
face and said, ‘Miss
newcomer, don’t you screw
‘H ow is it?’ Neel asks Titiksha
holding the printout of his
with my boyfriend.’ manuscript with a sense of
I later learned the excitement. The four chapters, after
girl’s name was Avni, all, are his first attempt at realizing
Neel’s girlfriend. his dream of becoming an author.
And who better to share it with
than his long-time girlfriend?
As Neel gives Titiksha the pages,
he switches on the stopwatch. He is It is 9 am. Neel and Titiksha are
clocking her to divert his mind sitting in the drawing room. There
from his nervousness. He has an is a small round table in the centre
inkling Titiksha will praise and of the room on either side of which
encourage him, but he wants to they are seated. Atop the table
block the thought lest it makes him there is one Real fruit juice, two
too excited too soon. hard boiled eggs on one plate, and
‘What bullshit is this?’ she says two separate plates containing a
surprising Neel. couple of grilled toasts. Titiksha has
He presses his stopwatch. It the printouts of the chapters Neel
reads one minute thirty seconds. wrote last night, while she was
‘Read it completely and then asleep, though he knows she was
comment. Please.’ Neel didn’t want messaging someone from inside her
to use the last word but he does, blanket because he did notice her
like always. mobile phone’s light blink a few
‘I’m done reading it,’ Titiksha times. But if she has nothing to
darts back. hide, why did she keep the mobile
phone on silent mode? She never now and is gobbling it furiously.
did that before. She was more open She takes a sip of the fruit juice to
before he went to Jaipur. Neel shove the bolus further in.
thinks for a moment—even he was ‘She isn’t a bitch by the way.’
more faithful before he went to Neel has half stuffed the hard toast
Jaipur. inside his mouth and hence sounds
‘One minute and you’ve read all funny.
the four chapters? Am I supposed ‘Why is she after someone else’s
to believe that?’ boyfriend then? I anyway don’t
‘Doesn’t that say something care what she is. And I don’t care if
about your writing? And why have you used your name for the
you given that protagonist bitch of protagonist. But why did you use
yours my name? And it’s I who my name?’
play the guitar but in the story you ‘Relax! These are not my
show that Neel’s character plays characters, damn it!’
the guitar. What nonsense is this!’ ‘Then?’
She has consumed the entire egg by It is a slip, Neel is quick to
realize. He can’t tell her about need be.
Nivrita. Much like she isn’t ‘Do you think I would do that
confessing about the other guy kind of a thing?’
Neel thinks Titiksha is seeing. He Neel uses the following silent
isn’t telling her about Nivrita seconds to finish his breakfast.
because he isn’t serious about her. ‘I don’t know. Even if you have,
He is only playing along to get it still doesn’t change my reaction:
himself published. But what are bullshit is bullshit is bullshit.’
Titiksha’s reasons of not telling Has she even read any book? Ever?
him? Neel wonders and says, ‘I know
‘Don’t tell me you plagiarized why you are saying so.’
someone’s work,’ says Titiksha ‘Why?’ Titiksha squints her eyes
standing up. looking at him. She does so
‘Won’t you have the toast?’ whenever she is ready to launch
‘Answer me. Don’t avoid the her angry self on Neel.
question.’ She keeps her hands on ‘You don’t want me to become
her hips ready for a confrontation if an author and hence you are
intentionally discouraging me. But I with Titiksha. He goes inside the
won’t give up.’ bathroom, locks himself in, puts his
Titiksha comes close to him and head under the tap, and turns it on.
laughs on his face. The water slowly drenches his head
‘You are such a kid, Neel. I am and calms him down. A trice later,
telling you the truth. Of course I’m he smiles to himself in a sadistic
discouraging you because I don’t manner wondering how wrong his
want you to make a fool out of girlfriend is about the ‘who-will-
yourself in front of the whole publish-it’ part.
country by printing this shit. Plus The call bell rings. Neel shouts
who will publish this shit anyway, out and asks Titiksha to open the
my dumb teddy bear?’ she says door. Titiksha shouts back at him to
pulling his cheeks in a patronizing do so himself since she is changing.
manner. She seldom uses the word ‘please’
Neel can feel his rage rising anyway. This is no exception. Neel,
inside. He decides to do what he with water trickling down his head,
always does whenever he is cross reluctantly comes out of the
bathroom, and goes to open the puts her leg forward and stops him.
door. How the hell she came to know
Standing in a purple sleeveless about his address?
kurta and a pair of black jeggings is ‘Water sports at home, huh?’
Nivrita. She takes out her black Nivrita says noticing the water
Ray-Ban and perches it on top of drops going southwards from his
her head with a you-thought-I- head.
don’t-know-where-you-live smile ‘How do you know I live here?’
on her face. ‘I have been following you.’ She
suddenly lowers her voice and
continues, ‘From the day we landed
in Kolkata.’
For the past few seconds, Neel has
Neel doesn’t know if she is
been simply gaping at Nivrita speaking the truth. He hopes not.
wishing intensely that her presence
She raises her voice to say, ‘Won’t
is unreal. He closes the door, opens you invite me in?’
it again, wishing there’s no Nivrita.
‘Please come in.’ An unsure Neel
As he tries to close the door, Nivrita
moves aside to make room for her. because he doesn’t know what he
Nivrita gets in and he closes the should tell her. For the first time,
door behind him. He can hear his another girl besides Titiksha has
heartbeats so loudly that for a come to his place. Running away
moment he assumes the heart has from a situation has been Neel’s
popped up from his chest to his hallmark way of handling
mouth. anything. Inside the bathroom, he
‘Small but a cute place dries his head with a towel trying
nevertheless.’ Nivrita looks around to listen if Titiksha has moved into
and sits on the half-folded mattress the drawing room and discovered
by the window. Nivrita for herself. But he can’t
‘Who is it Neel?’ Titiksha hear anything. He is sure they are
screams out from the bedroom. talking right now else Titiksha
‘Give me a moment.’ Neel would have continued to shout till
excuses himself and goes inside the he replied, or would have banged
bathroom and locks it. the bathroom door, or had done
He doesn’t reply to Titiksha something out of the ordinary. But
there is only silence. Should he
open the bathroom door and see like Nivrita can arrive at such a
what’s going on between the two false conclusion about Titiksha.
women? What if he sees a violent Only he knows how she has never
cat-fight between the two? He let him meet, talk, or even see
won’t be able to handle it. another girl right from the time
‘Damn!’ Neel punches the tiled they were in a relationship. And
wall of the bathroom hard. What if now he hears she is not the jealous
Nivrita ends up telling Titiksha types? What a joke!
everything? Neel turns and opens ‘I told her we fucked each other
the door in a flash and pauses real good in Jaipur, and all she
seeing Nivrita right in front of him. asked me was if you had a
‘She is gone,’ Nivrita says and protection on while doing me.
pushes Neel inside the bathroom. That’s a cool girlfriend you have.’
‘You met Titiksha?’ What should Neel do: smile, cry,
‘Yeah. Nice girl. Not the jealous or faint? Nivrita has told Titiksha
types.’ about their fuck-session? And the
Neel wonders how a smart girl latter didn’t react? Really? Why? Is
it because she already has someone are stinking of sweat,’ she says, and
more important than him in her life opens the knob. As the water
right now or she doesn’t care what cascades down Neel’s body, she
or whom Neel does? pulls up his T-shirt getting her arms
‘Chill dude! I didn’t say any of wet in the process. Neel puts his
that. She asked who I was. I said hands up without resistance. She
I’m a junior where you used to hurls his T-shirt at an empty bucket
work and need to get some papers nearby, and runs her fingers from
signed by you. She said she was his throat down to his chest to his
getting late for her office and tummy and finally to his knickers.
excused herself.’ She pulls its elastic and releases it
Finally Neel relaxes. He hates instantly. The elastic hits Neel’s
Nivrita’s sense of humour, and waist hard.
that’s the first thing he would tell ‘I would love to watch you take a
her on her face once the book is bath.’
published. No, I won’t do that. Who do you
‘Now get yourself a shower. You think you are? I’m not your toy, okay?
So please go out and let me bathe alone. underwear. Nivrita sucks in her
Neel thinks all this but before he own cheeks slightly trying to focus
can put it across to Nivrita, he hears her gaze on his groin. Neel turns
her say, ‘When I told Titiksha you around.
have some papers to sign, it wasn’t ‘That’s a cute one,’ she exclaims.
a lie. Your debut book contract is
waiting in the drawing room. I’m
sure you won’t waste much time
now.’ Neel takes the quickest shower of
The girl is a hunter and she his life. He knows Nivrita is
knows exactly how to corner her watching him, and he turns to see
prey. Neel wants to smell the book her every once in a while. The way
contract; pronto. He also would like she stares at him standing by the
to see Titiksha’s reaction whenever bathroom door is condescending.
he gets to show her the contract. Her look says she owns him. For a
‘I won’t waste time,’ Neel says total of three times she remarks
and tugs down his knickers with his that Neel has a soft and cute butt.
And every time she does so, Neel’s
male ego feels challenged. He isn’t And who the hell is the wind? Neel
enjoying it. He relaxes by remains quiet wondering how a
reminding himself that the only kite came into their discourse.
weapon hapless people have is Nivrita, thankfully, cares to explain
patience. as he dresses up in front of her.
Once done bathing, Nivrita tells ‘Meeting Titiksha I felt she is the
him she wants to take him to thread you are tied to. And I’m the
another place before letting him wind who will blow you away.
sign the contract. Won’t you like it Neel? To be
When he inquires about the blown off to places which exist
place, Nivrita replies with a counter within you but you have not had a
question, ‘Doesn’t a kite belong to chance to explore with Titiksha?’
the thread that ties it to the earth as Neel gives her a standard stupid
much as it belongs to the wind that smile, and puts on a shirt that she
wants to blow it away to selects for him. If Titiksha is a
unexplored spaces?’ control freak then Nivrita probably
Who is the kite? Who is the thread? is her mother in that regard. Had it
not been for the book, he wouldn’t moment. All he has in his mind is
have agreed to anything this girl the book contract. He wants to
told him. But had it not been for the make love to the bundle of paper
book, he wouldn’t have gone to than to her. Nivrita takes out a
Jaipur either and got himself a cologne from her sling bag and
publishing deal. sprays it on his arm pit.
The moment he is done dressing ‘When you are with me, you
up, she comes forward. Neel is ought to smell my favourite.’
serious while she has an odd smile They are inside a taxi now. Neel
on her face. He takes a step back tells her he could have asked his
and she takes a step forward. They father to send their car, the one
continue doing so till Neel’s back with black windows. He finds it
hits a wall. Nivrita takes a small difficult to travel in a car with
step to reach him and raises his transparent windows. He did so in
hands up, forcefully pinning them Jaipur but that was an exception
on the wall on either side. He isn’t rather than the rule.
ready for anything physical at the ‘Now you are with me Neel,’
Nivrita replies. ‘All the exceptions There’s a sadistic pleasure he will
of your life will become the rule, derive if he can make Nivrita kneel
and all the previous rules will in front of him, look into his eyes,
simply have to fuck off.’ and ask…no wait…beg, for sexual
Neel is benumbed. Nivrita— mercy. All this is in his mind. In
there’s something about her. He reality, though, he knows he
wishes he had the guts to fuck her doesn’t have an inch of courage to
then and there in the taxi. Like even touch her without her
crazy-mad-hard. He thinks by permission. She is as unpredictable
doing so she will become as the weather and as
submissive to him. Neel is unaware unmanageable as nature.
that it’s his typical male chauvinist The taxi comes to a halt near a
mentality speaking. To tame a bus stop. They get down. Though
woman, fuck her. To fuck a woman, Neel insists on paying the fare,
love her. To love a woman, tame Nivrita doesn’t allow him.
her. It is true he wants to control ‘Which place is this?’ Neel asks
her the way she is controlling him. looking around. There are not
many people around. He can see a ‘I know but…’ Nivrita seems
few shops, all shut except for a genuinely confused as she looks
chemist shop opposite the bus stop. around. They are standing at a
Neel takes a few steps and then crossroad where four different
realizes that he is walking alone. roads lead to four different places.
He turns to see that the taxi has left One of them would take them to
and Nivrita is standing on the their destination.
footpath looking at him. Neel raises ‘Try your instinct,’ she suggests.
both his hands as if asking what the ‘Till then let me ask the chemist.’
matter is. Nivrita walks down to Neel gives her a helpless sigh.
him. Nivrita goes to the chemist shop
‘I’m a bit lost. Can you tell me across the road while Neel stays
which way to go Neel?’ where he is, staring at the four
‘What? I don’t know this place. I roads one by one. All of them look
don’t even know why we are here! similar. As if out of four similar
How can I help you? You’re the one looking women he has to identify
who brought us here, remember?’ which one is his wife. And
precisely then he pauses seeing a along. Should he choose the road
particular road. A boy and a girl are they chose in the story?
traipsing along. The boy is walking ‘Okay, I got it.’ Nivrita has come
with his bicycle on one side and the back. Without even looking at her,
girl on the other. This particular Neel raises his hand aiming at the
image does something to Neel. The girl and the boy who by now have
feeling is too convoluted for him to almost disappeared around the
decipher anything. He is sure he bend of the road and says, ‘That
neither knows the boy or the girl. way.’
He hasn’t even seen their faces and ‘How did you know?’
yet he thinks he knows where they Neel looks at Nivrita as if he has
are going. Why? It then strikes him shit in his pants.
that a similar scene has happened
‘I don’t know.’
in the story Nivrita narrated to him.
Neel walks ahead. This time
He wrote it himself in one of the
Nivrita follows him. She stops him
chapters of his manuscript. Only it
when they reach an old house. It
was night when Neel and Titiksha
looks like an odd place because
in the manuscript were traipsing
most of it is covered with the on its walls. Nivrita has managed to
branches of two huge trees on open the wooden door with a key
either side. The gate makes a which she puts back in her bag.
terrible noise as she opens it and Before moving in, she switches on
moves in. Neel follows visibly the lights inside from the
astounded as if he is dream- switchboard beside the door.
walking through all this. The place As they enter, a pungent smell
seems familiar, but ironically welcomes them. Nivrita is quick to
enough he doesn’t know why is it open the windows in the hall. With
so familiar. Is this what they call sun rays entering scantily from one
déjà vu? side, Neel can now see how the
When they reach the main door, room looks— empty. There’s a
he sees a lizard making its way out thick layer of dust on the floor. He
from the cracks of one of the can see Nivrita’s footprints on the
windows. He doesn’t look at it dusty floor wherever she goes. She
again but notices there are multiple takes the spiral stairs up. Nivrita
cracks and black patches smudged turns to look at him once and says,
‘Come along.’ it to perfection. Neel stands
Neel takes small steps and every mesmerized. He wonders: this girl
time turns to notice the imprint of is full of surprises. But there’s
his shoes on the floor. There’s something else that has caught his
something about the imprints. They attention. His throat dries up.
add importance to a journey. Once ‘This tune…Titiksha plays this
a journey completes, people lose tune. How come you know it?’
their importance. Sometimes even Neel sounds spooked.
the journey loses its significance ‘This was his tune.’
with time. But the imprints remain. Neel comes close and looks at
Neel takes the stairs and climbs the guitar closely. There’s a small
up. The stairs lead him directly to ‘paintbrush’ painted on its face and
the room where he has seen Nivrita immediately he recollects the
go. He goes in and notices her school band’s name he wrote about
sitting by a window with an old last night in his manuscript.
bass guitar in her hand. As he Titiksha’s name was carved in a
enters the room, she plays a tune on bench in the school Nivrita took
him to the other day. Now Nivrita
has brought him to an old house
where she plays the same tune that
Titiksha often plays in her guitar.
And now the guitar has a FROM NEEL’S
‘paintbrush’ painted on it! What’s
happening, really? MANSCRIPT
‘Come, sit beside me. You can
check out the book contract later.’
Nivrita makes some place for Neel.
‘Let me continue the story as of
now…’
5
It was during the
Chemistry practical class
in the laboratory the
following day, after the
lunch break, I found Neel because of Neel. One night
standing right beside me of traipsing on a lonely
performing the experiment road, and I was more
that we all were doing. concerned about his
The echo of Avni’s slap feelings than mine. Yo-
was still ringing loud in didun never said love was
my ears. I wanted to wear also about digging your
my bitch-suit and slap her own grave with a stupid
back harder but I couldn’t smile.
because I didn’t want Neel Between Neel and me
to think wrongly of me. there lay his notebook
But why did I care what where he was noting down
Neel thought about me? the details of his
This goody-goody-girl- experiment. I had mine on
nature never came the other side. For once I
naturally to me until that saw him tapping on the
day. I held onto this new notebook as if calling for
avatar of mine only
attention. I glanced at So, what’s that got to
him and then on the do with me? Everything, I
notebook. It was written: confessed to myself.
I am sorry! Did you tell anyone you
I took my notebook and had my shirt?
kept it on his side and Yes, Nisha.
wrote: Why are you sorry? She must have bitched
And tapped my finger on it you out to her.
rather fiercely. The teacher was taking
He wrote: For Avni. rounds. When she came to
I wrote: She should be our end, we flipped the
sorry not you. page. When she ambled
I know but she won’t be. away, we exchanged a
So I am. furtive glance. His face
What’s her problem? was genuinely apologetic.
We are in a It’s alright, I wrote. I
relationship. didn’t hit her back, only
for you, I thought. we had to go to the
‘Thanks,’ he said aloud. library.
The teacher turned I was impressed with
immediately and barked out Salt Lake International’s
at us, ‘No talking I library. It was a huge
said.’ hall and unlike my
I never spoke to Nisha previous school they had a
afterwards. I hate good collection of
gossipmongers. She must fiction, non-fiction, and
have known I had got to academic books. Neel was
know about it. Neel and sitting in a faraway
m e ? Really? Were we a corner with other boys
threat to Avni? I don’t while I sat by the table
know why but I felt happy. which had three girls with
It somewhat numbed the whom I had never talked
slap for me. After the before. I pulled out a
Chemistry practical class, Harry Potter book from a
nearby shelf, and that the librarian knew
pretended to read it while her well. She spoke to the
the truth was that I was librarian for some time,
looking at Neel time and walked to the last book
again. He did look at me shelf in the hall, and
once and smiled but I was then disappeared behind
so confused that I looked it. I couldn’t see her
away. I repented it anymore. The bookshelves
immediately. were placed in a manner
Few minutes later, which shielded the person
someone asked for behind it unless the books
permission to enter the were pulled out of the
library. The librarian shelf. And the one shelf
allowed Avni to come in she went behind was the
with a warm smile which I last one adjacent to the
thought he could do bench around which Neel
without. The smile told me and his friends were
sitting. I was about to
look somewhere else when I guessed the answer in my
saw the guys sitting with mind. It was then that I
Neel nudging him with a decided to get rid of the
naughty grin. I could goody-goody-girl image.
guess what they were Good girls shouldn’t be in
hinting at but I was not love. I was. Was I? Why
comfortable accepting it. else had I washed and
Then the worst happened. ironed his shirt? Why else
Neel got up and, had I not complained about
pretending as if he was Avni’s slap to the
searching for some book, teachers? Why else was I
went from one shelf to the feeling injured thinking
other to finally behind about what all those two
the last one where Avni were upto behind that book
was probably waiting for shelf? It was time for a
him. What for? decision. Firstly, there
I felt injured when I was no denying the fact
that I was in love. Yes!
Maybe prior to meeting hand. The next minute she
Neel, I was sure I would moved out of the library.
never be in love. It I intentionally didn’t
seemed like a waste of come in front of Neel that
time to me. But I never day. It was only when
thought this being-in-love everyone was dispersing
thing would catch me after school that I saw
unawares. I had to forget him with his cycle
Neel. He was someone alongside Avni, Nisha, and
else’s. I took a deep a few other students,
breath and made a ambling away towards the
decision: I won’t come in- main gate. They seemed to
between Neel and Avni. be laughing at some joke.
I saw Avni come out from It was a hurtful sight.
behind the shelf with a The more Neel and Avni
book (as if!), wiping her smiled at each other, the
mouth with the back of her more my heart was
squashed. If I had not Paintbrush,’ I said.
done what I did, then my I didn’t care to wait
heart would have died a for Avni’s reaction. I
certain death. And I was didn’t care to look at
in no mood to witness such Neel’s reaction either.
a private funeral for the They shouldn’t have gone
rest of my life. behind the bookshelf. That
I walked straight really pushed me to wear
towards the group and my bitch-suit.
called out, ‘Hey, Neel.’ I had started to love
They paused. And turned. I Neel not because
went to him, put my arm everything was right about
around his shoulder, him. It was because
smiled at him, and kissed something was wrong with
him on his right cheek. me. And that wrong felt
‘Thanks for offering me immensely satisfying. Once
to write songs for I reached the main gate, I
turned to see Neel who was the bitches.
standing like a cuckold.
Ditto for Avni. I wasn’t
sure whether I did the 6
right thing or not. Maybe It was raining outside
Avni did love him, but now later that night. Standing
that I too loved Neel by my room’s window, I
there had to be some sort wondered if there were
of a competition. Like actually two kinds of
uncle Darwin had said: rain: one, which you wish
survival of the fittest! to simply admire from the
May the best win, I safety of your house; the
thought, and walked out of other, which compels you
the main gate showing my to move out of your
chubby middle finger to comfort zone, go out in to
Avni. Little did I know I the open, and get soaked.
had just flagged a war of That’s what Neel excited
within me every time I saw secrets? Falling in love
him in school and probably happens when our
tuitions. My world was senses share those secrets
full of craters until Neel with us. It’s like mini
decided to rain on them, explosions happening in
filling them up and making the mind, heart, and where
it all appear as an ocean not.
full of secrets. I wanted In the days that passed,
to get out of my emotional after I kissed Neel in
comfort zone and get front of Avni, she made
soaked in him, and not sure I suffered for it.
merely admire him from a Had I not kissed him, I
distance. And if that could have seen Neel
impulse was love, then practising with his band.
probably I was in love But Avni made sure I
with him. Don’t you think didn’t. Neel liked me. I
our own senses conspire a knew it, but he pretended
lot against us and keep
not to. And because of his tell anyone. He was so
pretence, we were neither scared of Avni! What’s the
good friends nor lovers. point of a relationship
He knew I had a soft when we do things out of
corner for him. All fear?
through the following I had no friends to
week, I made sure I share anything with.
glanced at him enough to That’s probably one of the
make him realize he wasn’t reasons why thoughts about
just another guy for me. Neel gripped me
If he still didn’t get it, emotionally more strongly
then he was an asshole, I than ever. When one is
told myself. But alone, the thoughts he
thankfully he wasn’t one. wants to run away from are
I saw him catch my sharp the thoughts which stays
glances most of the times. with him all the time.
When he gave me his phone With time I lost touch
number, he asked me not to
with my only friend from to get someone for real.
my previous school—Shreya. She put forth a straight
When I shared this with ‘no’. I was shit scared. I
Yo-didun, she said it’s no wanted Neel the way Avni
big deal as people keep got him. I wanted to go
coming and going from behind the bookshelves of
one’s life. The pain, she the library with him, and
said, doesn’t come from come out wiping my mouth
the fact that someone left like she did. I wanted to
us. We feel the pain of walk out of the school
separation because of the every day alongside him.
intensity with which we And I also wanted him to
try to hold onto those who laugh at my jokes. In
are done with us or never simple words, I wanted
had to do anything with us Neel to be mine.
to begin with. I asked her Exclusively mine.
whether wishing for ‘What if someone loves a
someone is a good reason
person but doesn’t get the person all your life,
him? Does that mean it to be married to him, to
isn’t true love?’ I asked admire the various
Yo-didun. She laughed. I sunrises and sunsets of
never liked it when she your life with him, and to
laughed at my queries. It embrace him tightly during
made me feel like an those sunrises and
ignorant fool. sunsets.’
‘What do you mean by ‘You are a true teenager
“get the person”?’ she now. Just like I was,’ she
asked with a certain said.
twinkle in her eyes which What she told me next
told me she was only was something important
testing me, and already and true. She said, ‘For
knew what I was trying to all of us, the preference
ask her. always is the physical
‘It means to live with expression of our longing
for someone, the physical not to see your love for
justification of our someone as something that
feelings, and also the you need, per se, even
physical manifestation of though it may sound great.
the desire we associate That is because the need
with the one we claim to for the thing will always
love. There’s always this narrow your perspective of
craving for a physical that thing and shall make
proximity in everyone’s you feel more miserable
idea of love if not in the than happy being in love.
definition of it. Hence That’s one reason people
the need to classify love undergo depression when
into true, casual, and you they don’t get a person
know what all. Try not to they think they love.’
restrain love by I tried to put what she
subjecting yourself to said in perspective. I was
such baseless not happy seeing Neel with
classifications. And try
Avni. Why? Because I statement which I shall
wanted him to be never forget: she said
physically there by my love and lust are twins.
side. Then I asked myself: Many a times they look
why I can’t be at peace similar and hence the
with myself knowing that confusion. But their
he loves someone else? How traits are distinctly
was his love for someone different. I obviously was
else affecting my love for curious to know how to
him? Funny, I realized the distinguish between the
answer then and there—that so-called twins?
Neel’s physical proximity ‘By the feelings they
to me was important to me. generate in a person,’ Yo-
I don’t know why it made didun said. ‘Lust
me feel as if my love for generates pleasure. Love
him wasn’t true. generates happiness. And
Understanding my dilemma, no one but you decide what
Yo-didun said an epic
is pleasure and what is 7
happiness.’
After the high dose of I had nothing to do with
philosophy, I asked Yo- the fact that Neel was
didun one simple question: admitted to a nearby
Should I do something in hospital that summer. He
order to draw Neel’s was admitted because he
attention or wish Avni and choked himself to an
Neel a happy love life and almost fatal level after
part ways with him? smoking a bidi. I later
Yo-didun said, ‘I won’t heard that he didn’t smoke
suggest anything. But I’ll for fun. He had lost a
wait to see if you really bet.
are my granddaughter or When I told Yo-didun
not.’ about it, she was shocked.
She said nobody under
eighteen should smoke. I
told her almost half the
boys and girls smoke in diluted with every passing
our school. Yo-didun day. What she didn’t know
immediately grasped my was that kids of my
hand and said, ‘Promise me generation and their
you will never do such a parents have a world of
thing, Shonamoni.’ their own, and both,
I promised her because I especially the kids, make
was sure I would never sure neither intrudes into
smoke. Yo-didun asked why the other’s life. I’m a
their parents didn’t prime example.
reprimand them for I also told Yo-didun
smoking. As if they would about the virtual world,
tell their parents about the Internet, where people
smoking and drinking. Yo- often were what people
didun complained that the weren’t in real life. In
connection between parents response she asked if she
and children was getting could be a sixteen-year-
old in the virtual world community fuck fest. I
with such innocent fervour couldn’t tell Yo-didun the
that I cracked up last part. She asked me
laughing. For lack of not to stay with such kids
knowledge, she thought the who smoked and consumed
Internet was a medium for alcohol. I told her in
time travel. that case I would have to
Later I informed Yo- go to school after school-
didun that if a guy hours and return before
doesn’t smoke in my school-hours.
school, he is nicknamed I don’t know how were
TGIF: The Great Indian the times when she grew up
Fattu. Students teased him as a school kid but since
stating that every TGIF then times have changed
had the same DNA which for sure. My generation
only meant they were a went to school but we were
product of an intra- not merely school
students. There was mind was ahead of our
nothing innocent about us. body. Hence our inner self
And we definitely weren’t was naturally a breeding
ignorant about anything. ground for a lot of shit
It was all there right in because everyone,
front of us: from the including me, was a school
latest development in the going adult. At sixteen we
cosmos to the latest adult behaved like twenty five,
MMS. With such information we said slangs with ease,
available to us 24X7, how we were casual and
could anyone be innocent? experimental with our
It was like how certain sexuality, we searched for
fruit sellers force-ripen love because our hormones
the fruits and make them wanted us to and not
ready for selling. My because our heart felt the
generation was getting need to, we were selfish,
forced-ripened just like we had no clue what our
that. Growth-wise, our
culture was all about, that’s the ‘cool’ thing to
what freedom was for our do. We watched porn more
previous generations, than we prayed. We were a
seemed like a cage for us group of attention-seekers
because we wanted to leap and emotion-haters. So
ahead where our yes, our generation had
predecessors had stopped come a long way from Yo-
out of fear and shame. We didun’ s. And the gap was
didn’t complain about each so much that our elders,
other to parents anymore, our education system, or
rather we showed middle our own morals no longer
fingers and bitched it could teach us a better
out, we were ready to way to grow up into mature
fight, we liked noise, we adults. And whenever they
loved chaos, we kissed and tried to change us, we had
smooched at the drop of a our middle fingers ready
hat because the American for them too. We were a
television series told us
fuck-all generation. distance from my place,
I told Yo-didun none of and Ashok mama wouldn’t
that. She wouldn’t have have allowed me to go
got anything of this and alone since I was a girl
perhaps would have cursed nor would he have taken me
the world for turning to the hospital himself
worse since her youth since I was not his girl.
faded. She would also have Moreover, if I had told
been tensed wondering how him I was supposed to
her Shonamoni would live visit a guy in the
in this bad world. hospital, Bijoya mami
It was only when she would have triggered a
asked how Neel was doing soap opera at home.
that I remembered I had to Instead, when I told this
visit the hospital. The to Yo-didun, she asked me
only problem was that to visit Neel at least
hospital was at some once in the hospital.
 As a solution to the to Lake Town where the
problem she said, ‘Inursing home was. Yo-didun
haven’t gone out to shop preferred to sit in the
for many years,’ andlobby while I checked with
winked at me. I kissed her the receptionist, and went
so hard that we almost to the floor where Neel
fell off the bed. was. Thankfully I was
As we laughed, I hoped there in the nursing home
Avni had not visited Neel during the visiting hours
before me. How wrong was by default. I soon found
I. the room and saw Neel
sitting on a bed. By his
side was a woman helping
8 him eat something.
Yo-didun and I, on the ‘Hi!’ he said on seeing
me.
pretext of shopping in
Haathibagan, took a taxi ‘Hi!’ I said and smiled
at him. He smiled back and His mother got a call on
introduced the woman her phone and she stepped
standing by him as his out of the room for a
mother. With an unsure better network. She was
smile, I folded my hands about to call a nurse to
to greet her. She gave me help Neel have the soup
a condescending look, and when I volunteered. I
avoided looking at me, think it was because of
focussing more on helping the urgency of the call
Neel drink the soup. But I that she gave me the soup
noticed Neel did not turn bowl and left. I sat down
his eyes away from me even where she was sitting, and
once. Whenever he looked helped Neel take a
at me, I wanted to get spoonful of the steaming
inside his head, into his soup. I had taken his
heart, and read aloud mother’s place. I don’t
whatever he was thinking know why but I loved the
and feeling.
thought. Of course I bet. You know how it is. I
didn’t want to be his had to prove a point or
mother, but whatever gift myself a stupid
motherhood stood for—care, nickname for the rest of
love, nurture—I wanted to school life. Neel is a
mean that to him then. TGIF. That doesn’t sound
‘Mom is always worrying. good, no?’
I am alright now and can ‘And now you are here.’
have the soup myself.’ ‘Yes. After I smoked the
‘It’s okay. You should bidi, my vocal cord was
listen to your mom,’ I choked.’
said as if I was a middle- He said it casually as
aged nanny myself. if it wasn’t anything
‘I heard you are here serious he had suffered.
because you smoked? Why My cheeks flexed into a
did you do that?’ faint smile.
‘I got into a stupid ‘Thanks for coming. I
didn’t expect you,’ he yourself?’ he asked.
said next. ‘Yes, I did,’ I said
‘Why not?’ with a pinch of pride. For
‘I mean it’s not a the first time in my life
holiday.’ I had myself awake to make
‘I skipped school. And something for someone.
one second, I have He kept staring at the
something for you.’ sketch I’d made on the
I quickly flipped my front of the card which
bag, which I had slung featured a boy and a girl
across my shoulder, and holding hands and walking
brought out the get-well- by a beach. Except Yo-
soon card I had made for didun, nobody knew I was
him the previous night. good at sketching.
‘Get well soon, Neel!’ I ‘It’s brilliant. And the
said giving him the card. guy looks exactly like
‘Wow! Did you make this me,’ he quipped.
 ‘It’s you, Neel.’ purposely looked elsewhere
He immediately gave me a in the room and noticed a
weird glance. It was weird few bouquets and a card on
because it did to me what the table where the
nothing else ever did till medicines were kept. A
then. I felt like I was specific heart-shaped
dropping from a height, in card. He followed my gaze.
slow motion, onto a velvet ‘Avni couldn’t come
air-bed. I intentionally yesterday, so she sent the
steered my words a bit in Archies’ card and those
another direction. flowers for me.’
‘It’s a card for you. So The fact that I had
you need to feature in visited Neel in the
it,’ I said holding hospital before Avni made
another spoonful of soup me feel victorious in a
to his mouth. He sucked it stupid way even though her
all in, glaring at me. I card had reached before
mine. my mouth, but I had to say
‘How is it going with it to get to where he was
Avni?’ I asked leading me, if at all.
deliberately. ‘We are in a pact. Not
‘The usual,’ he said. I love. We are family
kept the soup bowl aside friends. And our wedding
since he was done drinking card was printed by our
it. He wiped his mouth parents even before we
with a napkin. He could were born.’
have said ‘it was going ‘You don’t love her?’
great’ or something like ‘I was never allowed to
that, but he said a dull experience love. In fact,
‘usual’. Was he trying to I’m never allowed to
lead me somewhere? choose things for myself.
‘You guys are so much in Things are accepted and
love!’ My tongue burnt rejected in my life
when those words escaped according to my parents’
taste. The only thing I already looking at him. I
truly relate to and have died. He knew.
chosen for myself is His mother came in
music.’ hastily informing us that
I looked at him. He was Avni had called and she
staring at the ceiling as was coming. She said
if pondering about Neel’s dad was bringing
something disturbing. The her to visit him. ‘Dear,
day we had walked together Neel shouldn’t talk much
from tuition, he had in this condition,’ she
sounded like such a rebel, said to me.
but now he seemed more ‘I’m not sure. Maybe…’
like a caged-rebel. Neel suddenly said. His
‘Just asking, do you mother didn’t know the
like anyone other than context but I did. He was
Avni?’ replying to my query now.
He looked at me. I was Do you like anyone other
than Avni? card. I liked the way it
What did he mean by eclipsed her card. As if
maybe? That I wasn’t her card never existed.
anyone else for him ‘Symbolic representation
anymore? But he didn’t always goes deeper,’ our
take my name specifically. English teacher used to
I felt as if all those tell us.
nights I spent sighing and
wishing for Neel hadn’t
gone to waste. Each moment
was not just a vague
fallacy but a solid
prophecy.
I took my handmade card
from Neel’s side, and
placed it right in front
of Avni’s heart-shaped
 on it. The front of the contract had
Chapter 7 the Word Tree logo which he had
seen on the spine of all their books.
Neel felt lucky to have signed a
book contract this quick when a
IS TITIKSHA REALLY few days back he was in a dilemma
HAVING AN AFFAIR? whether to leave his job or not.
Before switching off the laptop,

N eel switches off his laptop and

retires to bed beside Titiksha
Neel had called Nivrita to request if
the working title—Ex—could be the
who is sound asleep. actual title because he believed it
Before typing out whatever was an apt one. Nivrita told him
Nivrita had narrated to him earlier that if he doesn’t know the entire
in the day, Neel was sitting with his story yet, how could he say it’s an
book contract for a good three apt title? Neel was quiet. Nivrita
hours. Just caressing, flipping, and told him that she would take a
staring at it before finally signing decision once the manuscript is
complete. Neel agreed even though magazines like his favourite
he hated the way she said it. She bestselling authors? How would
would take a decision! For heaven’s Titiksha react when that happens?
sake he was the one writing it (so The wave of thoughts keeps his
what if it’s her story?), and thus he boat afloat. When more such waves
should be the one suggesting the are about to come up, his phone
title, not her. vibrates flashing: ‘Nivrita calling’.
He has been trying hard to sleep, Neel picks up the phone, gets up,
with Titiksha next to him, but it’s as and goes to the drawing room to
if sleep has eluded him. What talk.
would people’s reaction be once the ‘Hello,’ he whispers lest Titiksha
book is out? Neel tosses around the wakes up.
bed as winds of excitement play ‘Don’t tell me you’ve slept
with the kite of his consciousness. already?’ Nivrita sounds
Would his book be an instant conspiratorial herself.
bestseller? Would he be featured in ‘I was trying to sleep.’
the major newspapers and ‘Good. I just did something and
wanted to share. You may have a him. Isn’t that kinky?’
good night’s sleep listening to this.’ Which girlfriend would do that?
‘What is it?’ Neel wonders. It’s too disgusting a
‘My boy-mate and I were thought for his morality to digest.
fucking. I blindfolded him and rode ‘Of course I rubbed your name
him.’ off before I opened his blindfold.’
Nivrita’s knack of getting to the ‘But why would you do that?’
details without any warning never He had to ask her that.
goes down well with Neel. And ‘Why? That rat is having an
why does she always have to use affair, I told you. And this is how I
the F-word? Why can’t she say get back at him; by humiliating his
‘making love’ instead? Neel presence in my life.’
continues to listen projecting fake Neel’s mind is too clogged to
calmness. conjure up a reply.
‘But after blindfolding him, I ‘The bugger has gone to the
wrote your name on his forehead bathroom now. By the way, did
with my lipstick and then fucked your girlfriend tell you about it?’
 ‘About what?’ way. Neel now tries to guess what
‘Her affair. Shit, he is coming.’ Titiksha may have lied to him
And the line went dead. about, sacrificed, or accepted just to
Neel shakes his head hoping this keep their relationship ticking.
would help him forget what he just Even though he didn’t listen to her
heard from Nivrita. He did tell her and abruptly resigned from the job,
about Titiksha’s affair, but he she still hasn’t left him. Maybe,
doesn’t like Nivrita inquiring about with time, when his book becomes
it. It’s his personal life. They should a bestseller, she will accept the fact
talk about it when he wants to and that perhaps he was born to write.
not when she wants to. He tells But to become a published author
himself he would not tell Nivrita in a hurry, what has he done? Slept
anything more about Titiksha’s with a woman on the first
supposed affair. opportunity he had? Neel feels sick
Neel goes to the bedroom. He in the stomach. For momentary
notices Titiksha. She is sleeping pleasure, he cheated on his
with her head turned the other permanent happiness. Suddenly he
feels Titiksha was right. He
shouldn’t have left his job to him who it is, and just because she
become an author. And even if he says she needs some space. Perhaps
wanted to become an author, he he is judging her instincts on the
should have not fallen for the basis of his own impulse. The way
temptation that Nivrita brought he slipped in front of a temptation,
with her. he thinks Titiksha too may slip
‘I’m sorry Titiksha,’ he says likewise if an opportunity arises.
caressing her head. She budges That being in touch with other guys
slightly letting out a sleepy moan. would invariably bring forth such
The most atrocious thing however an opportunity one day or so he
is that Neel suspects Titiksha of thinks. What should he do? Make
infidelity. He has no proof of it yet, her his pet and lock her in the flat.
and he still has thoughts of her Ask her to resign from her job, and
cheating on him. Why? Just because be his domestic slave for the rest of
a guy came home to drop her, just his life simply because he can’t
because she chats with someone sleep beside someone who has slept
over the Internet without telling with someone else? The moon of
guilt is suddenly shining brightly in
his dark sky of conscience. Should Titiksha everything. He won’t be
he wake Titiksha up and tell her able to live with this guilt. Why
everything honestly? What if she should he anyway? He loves
slaps him and leaves him in the Titiksha, not Nivrita. The former is
dead of the night? He can take the the one with whom he is trying to
slap but he can’t take the break-up. decorate his future. And the latter
Nivrita anyway never looks like the is only a tool to afford the
kind of girl who would like to be in decoration.
a relationship. She is doting on him Neel turns on his side and wakes
because of two reasons: one, he was up Titiksha from her sleep. There’s
her childhood crush and second, no response. He shakes her up
she said she loves to ‘snatch’, which vigorously.
in other words means she has a ‘Get up. I need to confess
thing for other’s belongings. Neel something important. Please get
can’t believe he just weighed the up.’
possibility of Nivrita and his Just then, his mobile phone
relationship. Enough! He has to tell vibrates with a message. He turns
and picks it up from the side of his mate—humiliating him by giving
pillow. It’s from Nivrita. Don’t feel him clues that she is actually with
guilty, it says. Neel swallows a another man?
lump. It’s as if Nivrita is reading his ‘What is it?’ Titiksha says, half-
mind without really being there asleep.
with him. He scrolls down his ‘Nothing. Just move a bit. The
phone continuing to read the full bed is not yours alone,’ Neel
message: retorts.
What I couldn’t tell you over the
phone was I saw Titiksha with a guy
today in a mall. The fact that she is
asleep and not interested in you ‘Are you sure you saw Titiksha?’
tonight could well be because someone It’s 7.15 pm. Neel and Nivrita are
else has exhausted her. Good night sitting inside the Cafe Coffee Day
handsome. outlet of City Centre Mall in Salt
What if Titiksha is doing exactly Lake. It was Neel who requested
what Nivrita is doing to her boy- Nivrita for a meeting. But he
wanted to meet in some private Neel only nods his head
place—where there would be no embarrassingly.
one but them. It was Nivrita who ‘Only three-four times.’
proposed the idea of meeting over ‘Why are you so peculiar?’ she
coffee in a mall. Before this, Neel asks to which he replies with a
has been in a mall only a few times. query, ‘Are you sure you saw
The continuous noisy buzz Titiksha?’
triggered headaches in him. But he ‘Yes, I did. Yesterday, right here
can’t say no to Nivrita. Not yet. in this mall. At around 7.30 in the
Moreover, it was him who set up evening.’
the meeting in the first place. ‘And she was with a guy?’
‘You have never been to a mall?’ ‘That’s what I saw. But tell me
Nivrita’s surprise is overt and why it is a problem if she was with
justified considering the fact that a guy? Men don’t get it. We women
most youngsters spend more time aren’t locks. We are key-rings. And
of the day in malls than their own a key ring has scope for a lot of
home. keys, isn’t?’
 Seeing a perplexed Neel shaking ‘Before that we need to
his leg furiously under the table, understand why does a relationship
Nivrita adds, ‘Who knows, maybe happen? It happens when you want
they would be here tonight too.’ to know a person, when you want
They! The mere mention of it to be with a person, and when you
drains all the blood out of his heart. want the person to want you. When
It makes him feel as if he has been a relationship is about those wants,
left out just like a piece of then it definitely can break-off. Or,
unimportant garbage even before should I say one fine day it can
Titiksha and he could talk about it possibly vanish; all those
and mutually break-off. vociferously felt wants can just
‘Does a relationship ever break- vanish,’ Nivrita gestures with her
off? And what does it mean really?’ hand like a magician to make it
Neel asks Nivrita as a rebound to sound more dramatic.
his inner turmoil. Those wants that Nivrita just
For some time Nivrita looks at talked about were there between
him mentally framing her reply. Titiksha and him till last year. But
truth be faced, Neel has come to time and emotions to get used to
realize more than being in love that relationship. People don’t
with Titiksha, he was used to her. usually understand it, but the
He was used to her presence beside investment of time and emotions
him in the morning and at night. do tire us in undecipherable ways.
He was used to the way they went And flying out of that nest of
about their lives. He was used to exhaustion isn’t an easy task. The
the fact that she was used to his least Titiksha could have done was
shortcomings as a human being and tell Neel she is exhausted. Maybe
that he didn’t have to justify the he would have made a little hue
choices he made out of his and cry but in the end he would
weaknesses in front of her have accepted it and let it go.
anymore. Everyone lets go in the end.
So many people remain with ‘Tell me Neel, is your love for
their partner simply because they Titiksha only love or true love?’
are used to their relationship, and ‘All I know is I love her.’
also because they have invested ‘Why couldn’t you tell her that
we slept in Jaipur?’ for it.’
‘It’s because I love her. If I tell ‘Relationship of convenience, I
her the truth it won’t be good for see,’ Nivrita smirked. ‘Human
our relationship.’ beings are too complex to carry out
‘People think true love is about something as simple as love in an
loving the same person till their uncompromised manner. Would
death. Bull-fucking-shit! Even liars you forgive Titiksha if you discover
and cheats can live with the same she slept with a guy and later she
person all their lives. I believe true tells you she didn’t inform you
love is when you have the balls to because she cared for your
say the truth to your partner relationship?’
without fearing the consequence. Neel can’t believe how cold
Hiding things is also compromising Nivrita sounds. He wants to know
the relationship in your heart.’ what has turned her into someone
‘But I didn’t tell her anything like this. Or was she born this way?
because I want to keep our ‘If she is serious with the other
relationship intact. You see, I care guy, she will have to tell me. Like
what we did in Jaipur was not ‘Them. I saw them. They just
serious. So why should I tell her went by,’ Nivrita gestures with her
and jeopardize my relationship eyes towards the escalator.
with my girlfriend?’ Neel immediately dashes out of
Nivrita doesn’t speak anything the coffee outlet. Nivrita follows.
for a few seconds. She looks around Their coffee remains unfinished.
and then suddenly says, ‘What’s the Neel looks down. Nivrita joins
time?’ him from behind and says, ‘Come
‘7.25.’ Neel glances at his watch. on.’ They take the escalator
‘Why?’ together and get to the first floor.
‘Did Titiksha wear a grass-green Neel is yet to see them.
top and a pair of white jeans?’ ‘There by the bookstore,’ Nivrita
‘I don’t know. She was gone by says.
the time I woke up today. But… Neel has no idea where the
wait a second…’ Neel turns around bookstore is but simply follows
in a flash and says, ‘Did you just see Nivrita into the escalator and
her?’ reaches the ground floor.
 ‘This way!’ B.’
They take a left and pass by the Neel thinks he saw a glimpse of
small bookstore and eventually the grass-green top. Without
move out of the Block A of the mall waiting for Nivrita to move, he
via a glass door and are now into scampers ahead. This time she
the open. follows him. They have difficulty
Neel looks to his left and sees the running at full speed because of the
entry of a Shopper’s Stop store. He crowd. After crossing three-four
ambles ahead trying to look inside stores on either side they reach the
the store. Nivrita meanwhile looks Block B stairs. They climb up.
to her right. Ahead of Neel is a KFC outlet and
‘I think I just saw her grass-green to the left is a Club bag store.
top.’ Breathing fast Neel is feeling
‘Where?’ Neel turns and comes desperate to see if Titiksha is
close to Nivrita and tries to follow actually roaming around with a
her gaze. guy.
‘They just took the stairs to Block ‘Were they touching each other?’
Neel shoots at Nivrita. She turns at carefully surveys the inside through
him. the glass door outside. A guard
‘Touching?’ opens the door and says, ‘Please
Neel shakes his head slightly. ‘I come in sir.’
mean were they holding hands or ‘No, it’s okay.’ The outlet is
something like that.’ crowded. Neel feels better outside.
‘He had his hand around her ‘Neel!’
waist.’ He turns in a flash and sees
Patience is history now for Neel. Nivrita gesturing him to come up.
‘What do we do now? I can’t see He does. They take few steps
anyone in a grass-green top.’ crossing the Club bag store when
‘Let’s split up. Call me if you see Nivrita shows her thumb toward
them. I will do the same.’ the left and says, ‘In there.’
‘Okay.’ Neel looks up. Gents washroom.
Nivrita takes the left towards the ‘I want to see Titiksha not the
bag store while Neel goes ahead guy.’
towards the KFC outlet. He ‘They are both in there.’
 Inside the gents’ washroom? the two toilets’ door. It’s empty. He
What the fuck! Neel doesn’t know is about to unlock the other toilet
if he is simply angry or feeling door when he hears a sound. As if
devastatingly humiliated. someone hit the door from inside.
‘I think you should go in. I’ll Suddenly he hears a girl moan out
wait for you here,’ Nivrita suggests. with pleasure from inside the toilet.
With bated breath, Neel slowly Next he hears a male groan. Neel
approaches the gents’ washroom. shuts his eyes tightly. He can’t take
He pauses, turns back, and sees the moans anymore. He feels weak
there’s no one around except in his knees. Neel wants to die. He
Nivrita. Few people go past the feels he shouldn’t have listened to
washroom on either direction but Nivrita and tried to follow Titiksha.
nobody goes in. He will have to live with these
Neel enters the washroom. moans haunting him for the rest of
There’s nobody inside. Apart from his life. Neel’s head is aching hard.
the urinals, there are two toilets. He opens his eyes unable to bear
Neel goes ahead and opens one of the on-goings but sees nothing.
 There’s a sudden power cut. The noise starts again similar to how it
disturbing rhythmic noises coming was before the power cut, till
from the toilet stop with the power Nivrita releases his nose. Neel is
cut. Neel feels someone groping gasping for air now. He coughs
him all over. It’s too dark to see feeling choked. He looks up at
who it is. He wants to retaliate but Nivrita who is standing now
can’t. He is pushed and he falls panting and adjusting her dress.
down. He feels weight on his lap. ‘Wash yourself Neel. You are
The lights come back on. He finds sweating way too much. I’ll be
himself inside a toilet, sitting on a outside.’
sink with Nivrita sitting atop him. She unlocks the toilet door and
She has her mouth pursed with his moves out. Neel still sits on the
while one of her hand is pinching toilet sink. Is Titiksha still there
his nose. Neel is unable to breathe. inside the other toilet? He
He starts moving his legs somehow manages to stand up only
vigorously, thus hitting the toilet to realize that his pants and
door. The disturbing rhythmic underwear are tugged down till his
knees. When did he strip? He giving him clues about it.
quickly pulls up his pants and This has to end. This will end!
underwear feeling stupid. Before Titiksha terminates their
As he moves out of the toilet, relationship, he will do it himself. Neel
there is still nobody in sight. He decides.
notices a mobile phone on the floor. He goes to the washbasin and
The phone set has split itself open splashes his face with water. He
with the battery lying under one of pulls out some tissue paper and is
the urinals. Neel picks it up. It’s about to rub his face when he
Titiksha’s. So she indeed was inside notices something written on it
the toilet fucking some dude! He with what looks like a black
wants to throttle Titiksha to death eyeliner.
right now. If she is done with him, It says, If you are accustomed to see
she should have told him. Nobody only black and white then you’ll never
has given her the right to humiliate see me.
him the way she is by being
involved with some other guy and
‘How did I get into the toilet with remember!’ Nivrita replies. Neel,
you? Why were my pants down? perhaps for the first time after he
When did Titiksha move out?’ came out of the washroom, looks at
It’s 9.05 pm. Both of them are on Nivrita.
a boat floating on the river ‘I only remember that the lights
Hooghly. Nivrita has intentionally in the washroom went off.’ His
got him here because the first thing claim sounds genuine. ‘What
Neel told her after he came out of happened next?’
the mall washroom was, ‘Take me ‘As I entered the washroom,
to a lonely place.’ there was a power cut but
Thus they are here—at Princep thankfully I got to you before you
Ghat—and she is rowing the boat got to the door behind which
herself. They are sitting by the edge Titiksha and the other guy was. In
of the two ends of the boat. Above fact, they too came out of the toilet
them is the majestic looking when the power cut happened.’
Vidyasagar Setu. ‘You mean the four of us were
‘Don’t tell me you don’t there in the washroom when the
power cut happened?’ ‘Only you are to be blamed.’
‘That’s what I said.’ ‘Me?’
Neel thanked his stars. If the ‘Yes. Who asked you to be horny
power had come then, what an at that time?’
awkward situation it would have ‘What?’
been: Titiksha with the other guy ‘Why else do you think your
and Neel with Nivrita—all inside pants were down?’
the washroom looking at each ‘I tugged my own pants down?’
other, clueless what to talk about. ‘That you should ask yourself.
‘You pushed me inside the other All I would say is I enjoyed it. It
toilet. I think it was then that the was unlike you, I must say.’ Nivrita
two escaped,’ Nivrita says letting has her eyes fixed on Neel. He
go of the oars. The boat now floats averts his eyes to the horizon ahead
on its own in the river. as if he is trying hard to remember
I pushed her? Neel tries hard to what Nivrita implied, but in vain.
think what really happened and ‘Can you for once tell me
says, ‘They escaped.’ something directly, without
puzzling?’ Neel is a little loud than heard Titiksha’s moans. How can
he should have been. Even he he make love to Nivrita in such a
knows it. To neutralize his mental state? Neel is sure it must
supposed inappropriate behaviour, have been Nivrita who forced him
he says, ‘Please?’ to fuck her. And it was her, not
‘How do I know why you tugged him, who was aroused by the
your pants down, forcefully moans.
stripped me half, and fucked me in ‘Did you….’ Neel pauses and
the toilet? My guess is you got then as if summoning some energy
aroused listening to the moans.’ says, ‘Did you see the guy?’
What rubbish! Neel can’t believe ‘Yes. Just a flash though because
what Nivrita just said. She is lying. it was dark in there,’ Nivrita is
Why? He doesn’t know. He would quick to respond.
have never done something as ‘Was he good looking?’
wicked as that. He clearly Nivrita picks up the oars again.
remembers he was burning alive ‘Why do you want to know?
with anger and jealousy after he And how does it matter to you if
the other guy was handsome or ‘Your ego is hurt, isn’t it?’
not?’ Nivrita says.
‘I don’t know.’ Neel feels enraged. Why does
Neel knew why exactly he Nivrita have to be right every
inquired about the other guy’s single time? Yes, his male ego is
looks. Being a guy he can’t bear the hurt. So what? On the contrary, if
fact that Titiksha is going around he was told that the guy isn’t better
with someone better than him. It’s than him, Neel would feel happy
a below-the-belt blow for his ego. for Titiksha in a sadistic manner.
Neel laments the fact that he ‘Alright. Could you please row
should have talked to Titiksha on us back now? I want to go to my
the first day when he suspected her flat.’ Neel is already having a slight
of having an affair. At least he headache. He doesn’t know why
would have spared his ego from his parents have not taken him to
suffering this incurable hurt. the doctor in the last four-five
‘Just tell me, was he smarter than months. He doesn’t have the
me?’ medicine which he used to take for
his headaches. We were supposed to get married.’
Neel decides to spend some time ‘So?’
alone and think about what he ‘What would I tell my parents if
should do next. Talking to Nivrita she leaves me now?’
seems pointless since she never ‘I think you are more worried
answers anything the way he wants about what you would tell yourself
her to. if she leaves you now.’
Nivrita starts rowing the boat This damn woman always gets it
back towards the shore now. right! Neel thinks and says, ‘Maybe.
‘One can’t love and be egoistic There has been an emotional
about it Neel,’ she says. investment of five years. I thought I
‘I am not being egoistic,’ says knew everything about her. I
Neel half-truthfully. thought we were meant to be
‘Jealous?’ together, forever.’
‘No!’ Half a lie this time. ‘You know why people say “will
‘Then?’ you be mine forever”? That’s
‘Even my parents know Titiksha. because deep inside we all are
insecure. We are a lump of fear. We ourselves a chance to know
are shit scared of being so much in ourselves more deeply. And Neel is
love with this one moment when still in love with Titiksha.
the person we love is there with us. Is he?
So we want to multiply the ‘Really? Everything? You knew
moment, fearing the unknown you would sleep with a woman the
moments that will follow the moment you get a chance?’
special moment. Hence, we ask if Neel’s lips are zipped now as he
we will be together forever swallows a lump and listens to
knowing well ‘forever’ can’t be Nivrita.
real. Tell me, do you know ‘If you really knew it and still
everything about yourself, Neel?’ continued to be with Titiksha, then
‘Yes, I do.’ It’s more of a I think you know who the real
stubborn stance than an assured culprit is.’
one. He knows nobody can know Neel crosses his hands placing
everything about oneself. Hence, them on his knees and digs his face
we need to fall in love and give deep in them. A moment later, his
body subtly shudders as if he is ‘First tell me why do people love
crying. Neel?’
‘Tears won’t help Neel. Tears Neel can’t take it anymore. His
never help.’ head is aching way too much for
‘Then what will?’ Neel asks comfort now.
without lifting his head. His voice Nivrita keeps rowing the boat
is broken. with a still face, without poking
‘Apologize to Titiksha.’ Neel any further.
It’s now that Neel lifts his head
and asks himself: is he that brave?
‘Why do people cheat, Nivrita?’
he asks with a gaze of a sinner Neel is back in his flat, waiting for
down with guilt. Titiksha to arrive. He wants to talk
One look at him and Nivrita to her about where their
laughs out. The sound of it disturbs relationship is headed, and then
Neel as its echo hovers over the take a decision. It can’t go on like
lonely river. this with her going around with
another guy right under his nose. If a thin line between a physical act
she has to stay with the other guy, and an emotional one. He can’t
she better get out of his life. In fact deny that he is attracted towards
Neel decides that the moment she Nivrita, and if she says he would
comes, he will initiate an emotional again sleep with her. But knowing
battle, and charge her with this, he still thinks Titiksha is to be
infidelity. He will not tell her blamed? Who is he trying to kid?
anything about Nivrita. He slept for The doorbell rings. Neel turns to
business purposes but she slept for look at the wall clock. 10 pm. He
pleasure, and that’s why it’s lets go of a conclusive sigh and gets
Titiksha who has cheated on him up, goes and opens the door. It is
and not the other way round. Titiksha. She is wearing the same
Neel’s conscience knows it’s a grass-green top he saw her wearing
lie. He knows he’s being a in the evening. No, Nivrita saw her
hypocrite. His conscience knows he wear.
has committed something which is Titiksha doesn’t even care to
unpardonable. Infidelity anyway is look at him. She leaves her sandals
by the door and enters the flat hands on her hips, stands looking
exercising her neck as if it’s hurting. intently at Neel.
Neel can’t guess if it’s intentional ‘Okay, I shall answer. But first
or not. tell me what were you doing with
‘Who gave you the top?’ that girl in the hotel room in
Titiksha stops and turns to look Jaipur?’
at him. Neel’s index finger slowly curls
‘What?’ back to its original position.
‘This grass-green top. I never ‘Don’t think I don’t know
gave it to you. Who did?’ anything,’ Titiksha says with a
‘What’s with the attitude, Neel? mocking smirk.
Who did what?’ Lappan! That scoundrel must have
‘Don’t you dare talk to me like told her everything, Neel infers from
that.’ Neel has his index finger the confidence oozing from
pointing at her. ‘Just answer me.’ Titiksha’s face. He should have
Titiksha comes to him in a slow bribed Lappan more. But it’s useless
but sure pace and, placing her to think about what he could have
done in the past. He can’t change it. ‘Business deal?’ Titiksha pauses.
But if she knew it all along, why The Rubik’s Cube is solved. ‘Go
didn’t she question him on the first fuck yourself with a lighted candle.’
day itself? ‘I’m serious, Titiksha. It indeed
‘I didn’t go to any hotel room was a business deal.’ Neel is
with any girl.’ Neel’s voice has zero surprised to hear himself talk in a
conviction. negotiable tone now. This is not
‘You are such a…’ Titiksha turns how he had imagined the
and walks towards her room. Neel discussion to go.
follows her. ‘If you were not in it with your
‘It was a business deal, Titiksha.’ heart, you would have told me the
Neel finds her standing by the moment you were back. You hid it
window with her back towards from me.’
him, furiously arranging a Rubik’s ‘And that’s why you are
Cube. That’s another thing she likes punishing me by screwing a
to do whenever she boils inside random guy?’
with rage. ‘Have you been following me?’
Titiksha asks and hurls the Rubik’s ‘The day I came back, I saw you
Cube at Neel, taking him by being dropped by a guy. You guys
surprise. He ducks in reflex; it even kissed standing by the main
would have hit his forehead door. Standing right by the main
otherwise. door of our flat! Don’t tell me you
‘You dog! You have been got a boyfriend after I slept with a
following me!’ girl. You were actually having an
‘Yes I have. You compelled me affair before I had even met the girl
to!’ This is the right time, Neel in Jaipur. And by the way, you
feels, to start the emotional blame have no right to be angry for you
game and turn the tables in a way too have had me followed around
that Titiksha feels she is sorry for Jaipur. I know Lappan is your man.’
what she did, and guilty too, and Titiksha comes to Neel and starts
then perhaps she would do things hitting him.
the way he wants. For any ‘You idiot. I had asked Lappan to
relationship to flourish, one of the take care of you because you had
two has to be the emotional slave. gone out of station for the first
time.’ from now on, Neel knows, Titiksha
Neel knows Titiksha is speaking will forget the other guy and be his
the truth. But he can’t get himself emotional pet. That’s what people
to accept it, because then his really like to do, isn’t it? Make their
argument would have died a loved ones their pets though they
certain death. Instead he now never have the balls to accept it lest
knows Titiksha is totally caught in their egos get deflated. Neel has a
his emotional trap. problem with Titiksha dating
‘Stop it!’ he holds her hands. ‘I another guy because she is his
don’t want to live with a person ‘thing’. If he considered her as a
who cheats on me. You have to person who has the same needs and
choose either the other guy or me. desires as him, then he probably
It’s your decision,’ he says heaving would have understood that our
a sigh of relief. Finally what he had heart is not a locality. It’s a world.
been waiting for since he came to And every world—every fucking
his flat is done. He has successfully world—has its continents,
made her wear the guilt-jacket and countries, oceans, mountains and…
is it really love if it binds you to one
country or ocean or mountain with a random chick in Jaipur and
specific? For lack of better options, hence I am breaking up this
probably it is. Sometimes love is the relationship.’
most comfortable apparel to cover Neel feels agonized.
up the most uncomfortable rashes ‘You won’t do that.’
of desires. ‘I will.’
Neel waits for Titiksha to ‘No, you won’t.’
respond. Titiksha hugs him. Neel ‘I will. If you try to boss me,
knows the hug is a clue to what she Neel, I definitely will.’
may be thinking. She will. Neel can read her
‘I choose your parents,’ Titiksha resolve clearly in her eyes.
whispers. ‘Why are you dragging my
Neel breaks the hug and looks at parents into this?’
her. Titiksha leaves him and picks up
‘What do you mean?’ her laptop. She sits on the nearby
‘What I mean is I shall go to your chair keeping the laptop in front of
parents and tell them that you slept her.
 ‘They should also know what a throat, Nivrita’s way of humiliating
cheat their lovey-dovey son is.’ her boyfriend reverberates in his
Titiksha averts her attention to mind. The frustration slowly gives
her laptop. Her indifference, and an way to an evil grin. Neel takes
unprecedented arrogance has been some time to calm down totally and
the hallmark since Neel’s return prepares his mind for the
from Jaipur. humiliating assault that he will be
For some time Neel stands like a having on Titiksha.
bird who is busy hatching while Neel stands by the door staring
dreaming about her egg’s future at Titiksha. It takes some time for
only to turn and realize that there’s the latter to avert herself from the
no egg. Frustration forces him to laptop screen to him.
storm out of the bedroom and into ‘What now?’ she asks.
the kitchen. He takes out a freezing Neel tries to look seductive and
cold bottle of water from the says, ‘I am sorry baby. I want to
refrigerator and gulps half of it. As make up for whatever bad I told
the cold water gushes down his you.’
 He comes close, shuts the laptop light, and takes out his
screen, and kisses her on the cheek. handkerchief from his pocket. He
‘Let’s sort it out the way we did kneels down once again and tries to
in college?’ blindfold Titiksha with the
Titiksha seems a tad surprised. handkerchief. She stops him by
‘Well, I don’t mind.’ holding his hand.
She was fucking in the toilet and ‘What’s this?’
she still doesn’t mind doing it. In a ‘It will help sort things out
way, Neel is happy because it only better. Trust me.’
means the other guy didn’t satisfy Titiksha slowly lets go of her
her thoroughly, and hence her yes hand as Neel blindfolds her. She
to him at this hour. tilts her face expecting a kiss but
He takes her by her hand and instead of complying, he breathes
together they kneel down on the on it; in a circle from her left cheek
low lying bed. to her forehead to her right cheek
‘One second.’ to her chin. It’s only now that he
Neel stands up, switches off the kisses her on her lips slowly
sucking on her lower lip. It’s a soft on her forehead with the lipstick:
pursing of lips which soon grows NIVRITA.
into an uncivilized smooch. He ‘What are you writing?’
stretches his leg and reaches out for ‘You will know.’
her purse lying on the side table And when you will know, you’ll also
beside the bed. He brings it to him know what humiliation is. Neel
with his leg. Then taking the purse pushes Titiksha on the bed. She lies
in his hand, he unzips it, continuing down. Neel lies on top of her
to smooch her, and turns the pressing his lips on to her throat. As
contents of the purse upside down Titiksha parts her legs, he adjusts
on the bed. He picks the lipstick up. himself well between them and
Titiksha isn’t able to breathe soon is inside her. Seeing Nivrita’s
properly because of the way Neel’s name on his girlfriend’s forehead
face is covering hers. She pushes gives him an unprecedented kick.
him and breathes hard. He mauls her breasts, and fucks her
‘Take it slow.’ with a virility he had never shown
Neel holds her face and writes before. Titiksha starts butt-slapping
him pleading him to slow down. room, he glances at the toilet. It’s
But he doesn’t. The moans he heard locked from the outside. The bell
in the toilet, Nivrita’s name right rings again.
front of him, and Titiksha’s Wasting no time, Neel goes
infidelity all has made him a ahead and opens the door to see
monster. After a good five minutes Nivrita. He isn’t able to decipher
long sexual assault he collapses on the weird look on her face. A
Titiksha; done for the night. moment later she bursts out
It’s morning now. The call bell laughing.
rings three times at one go. Then ‘What?’
stops. It awakens Neel. He feels a ‘Who did this to you?’
mild headache. The bell rings again. Again the indirect talks!
Once. Neel sits up and turns to his ‘Who did what?’
right. Titiksha isn’t around. ‘Who wrote my name on your
Probably she is in the toilet, Neel
forehead with a lipstick?’
thinks, and gets up.
While going towards the hall
 into my life and gift-
wrapped it with his love.
This was what came to my
mind when Neel invited me
FROM NEEL’S to his birthday party at
his place. Till then I had
MANUSCRIPT never attended any
birthday party before. Not
even mine. I remember
whenever my birthday
arrived, my classmates
used to wish me but not my
9 parents. I never asked
about it either for I
Till I crossed sixteen, I assumed that was the norm:
would regularly be on birthdays only
depressed because I felt classmates wish you and
unwanted. Then Neel came not parents. By the time I
realized the assumption because whenever I wanted
was wrong, I didn’t really to enjoy before, I wasn’t
care much because I was ever given the
used to it and my own opportunity. Hence when
birthday, or for that Neel requested me to be
matter anyone else’s, lost there at his birthday
all its significance for party I was instantly in
me. Whenever I was invited two minds.
to any fellow classmate’s We were standing by the
birthday party, I used to water cooler filling up
miss it out of vengeance our bottles with cold
against my bad luck. It water when Neel told me
was a silly thing on my about the party.
part but I used to feel ‘Won’t Avni have a
like a winner by not problem if I come to the
availing the opportunity party?’ I wasn’t scared of
to enjoy myself only her. I only cared about
Neel and didn’t want to birthday parties.’ It was
put him in any awkward the truth but I said it to
situation like I did the see his reaction; to see
last time by kissing him whether he would pester me
in front of Avni. Though to attend the party or
the fact that he never not. Instead I saw his
confronted me about it face turn sad and he
meant he perhaps liked it. become quiet. I wanted to
‘I have invited most of pull his cheeks real hard
my classmates so why would for I thought he was
she have a problem?’ looking at his cutest
Honestly I was expecting best.
an answer like: I don’t ‘I will come,’ I finally
give a damn about Avni. I told him without
hid my disappointment considering the
well. feasibility of it.
‘But I don’t go to ‘Great! Any time after
six. See you.’ He went and not some shop where I
back to the class. could just pop in and out
The problem was I wasn’t within minutes. I was in a
allowed to go out of my fix. But this wasn’t the
mama’s house in the only problem. Of all the
evening except if it was days, the morning of
for tuitions, and he knew Neel’s birthday, I had to
well that I had my have my periods as well.
tuitions only on Tuesday, There were dark circles
Thursday, and Saturday. around my eyes. And my
Thankfully Neel’s birthday lower abdomen suffered
was on a Friday. I acute spasms. I didn’t
consulted Yo-didun. Even freak out because without
she was quiet for she those dark circles, I
couldn’t take me out late wasn’t much beautiful
in the evening. Moreover, anyway. But Yo-didun
it was a birthday party, neutralized those dark
circles by applying Kajal
on my eyes. I saw myself earrings to wear but I
in the mirror and for the politely told her that I
first time I thought I had was going to go without
nice eyes. In the evening, them. I was never into
the spasms relaxed. I lied accessories. As I walked
to mama that Rajiv sir had out of the house, I saw
some work on Saturday so Bijoya mami gape at my
he was having a substitute dress. I was wearing my
class on Friday instead. favourite salwar suit
Fortunately he didn’t dig which was a touch better
further because Bijoya than the other dull
mami seemed convinced. salwars I used to wear on
That’s the way it worked most days. If she’d asked,
between them. If Bijoya I would have casually told
mami had a doubt, mama her all my other clothes
would have one as well. were unwashed. But she
Yo-didun gave me her old didn’t ask anything. I
gave her a sly smile. I
didn’t care even if she An old man-servant
understood that I was up opened the door, followed
to something for I knew by a brown Doberman who, I
she wouldn’t be able to later learnt, was his
prove it. dad’s pet. It barked at me
Neel had given me proper but the servant silenced
directions to his place on it by repeating the word
a piece of paper which I ‘bondhu’ (friend) a few
kept referring to while times.
directing the taxi driver. ‘Kokhababu is upstairs,’
It was a huge house in he said with a benign
Paikpara. I knew the party smile.
had already started I was inside the hall
because I could hear loud but there was nobody there
music blasting from the except me. One look at the
house. The guard showed me spacious hall and I knew
the way inside the house. Neel hailed from a rich
family. Not just a well- gets too much too easily,
to-do but also a rich one overlooks its worth.
family. It was evident How true! I could also
from the way the room was guess Neel’s family had
kept—the branded travelled around the world
furniture, curtains, from all the framed
carpet, showpieces, photographs of the three
paintings, and what not. of them. I recognized his
Maybe his father’s mother immediately. Soon I
business was running saw a man stepping down
really well. I remembered from the staircase. I
how Neel had told me that recognized him from the
his father kept going from photographs. He was Neel’s
home to shop to home. If father.
his father didn’t work ‘We all have been
hard at the shop, then his waiting for you,’ he said
birthday party wouldn’t and then looking up,
have happened. When one
raised his voice as if hospital before, appear by
calling someone, ‘She is the staircase looking
here!’ He then came down worried.
to the hall room. ‘Oh! She is just another
I was a bit surprised to of Neel’s classmate. Not
hear Neel’s father was from the pastry shop. I
waiting for me. I could don’t know when you will
sense a nervous feeling learn to distinguish
perpetrating in me. It people,’ she bellowed and
meant Neel must have told disappeared.
his parents about me. I Neel’s father
was curious to know what immediately gave me a
all he had told them. condescending look,
‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I perhaps wondering how the
couldn’t come earlier.’ hell could I be Neel’s
Next, I saw Neel’s mother, classmate? It was the same
whom I had met in the look his mom had given me
in the hospital. I didn’t there. From the dresses
quite understand why they they wore and their body
did that. I understood language, it was obvious
Neel had not yet told them that most of the other
anything about me. But was girls hailed from affluent
it a reason for him to backgrounds. They looked
presume I was some pastry much younger than me. It
shop girl? was then I realized why
‘The party is upstairs.’ Neel’s father had looked
His father’s voice was at me like that. With a
strict. demure middle-class
There they were—some of attitude, no makeup, or
my classmates and many of trendy clothes, I was
whom I didn’t know at all. probably not even looking
Nobody noticed me. It was their age. I would have
nothing new for me but I turned and moved out of
felt a bit odd being the party and later lied
to Neel I couldn’t make
it, if at that moment Avni with her silly groupies.
had not called out to me. ‘Where exactly are you
‘Hey newcomer!’ she coming from?’ She looked
said. The fact that I at me from top to bottom.
wasn’t a newcomer anymore ‘Fish market?’
and Avni still termed me I knew my world was
so, told me that this different from theirs but
party won’t be what I had at that instant, I wanted
hoped it would be. to belong to that world of
‘Hi Avni,’ I replied. Avni in order to prove
She was wearing taut that I too could belong
pink shorts with a white anywhere. I coveted the
off-shoulder top. L’Oreal world where people like
was evident in the streak Avni and Neel belonged.
of her hair which was Not having to wash clothes
coloured purple in front. themselves, no tension of
She came up to me along scoring high marks all the
time, and no feeling of my long, dirty, and uncut
loneliness during nails, but I saw Neel in
birthdays. So much for the distance and stopped
wishful thinking! myself.
‘Where’s Neel?’ I asked. ‘Oh don’t worry Avni.
‘I will tell you but That’s your speciality.
you’ve got to promise me I’m no match for you on
one thing.’ that.’ I walked away from
‘What?’ Avni towards Neel. He was
‘You won’t embarrass him genuinely happy to see me.
or anything the way you So was I.
are embarrassing yourself ‘Hey, you are late. I’ve
standing here?’ already cut the cake. But
There was further good that you came.’
laughter from her silly I took out an envelope
groupies. I wanted to from my tuition bag and
scratch Avni’s face with gave it to him.
 ‘Happy birthday, Neel!’ something written on it.
‘Thanks. You have a He read on. Perhaps it
thing for making cards, took him some time to
isn’t it?’ understand what it
It’s not a card.’ I had actually was.
known he would think I am ‘It’s a song!’ The smile
a card-making-freak, and he had was exactly the one
hence I had intentionally that had encouraged me to
not made one for him. write it.
It piqued his interest ‘My first,’ I smiled,
and he immediately took ‘for Paintbrush.’
out the piece of chart ‘This is my best…’
paper from inside the I wanted him to complete
envelope. I was good with it, and he would have
paper and had made him a actually said whatever he
paper cut out of a lips wanted to had Avni not
opening. There was barged in.
 ‘So miss newcomer has worried glance with Neel.
written a song. Let me ‘There’s no need to…’ he
see.’ started but by then Avni
Even before Neel could was reading my song out
say anything, she snatched aloud.
the chart paper cut-out She read all the three
from his hand. She then verses I had written with
called out for everyone’s perverse animation. There
attention. was pin drop silence as
‘Listen everyone! she read the song lyrics.
Someone has written a I wanted to vanish into
song. It’s called Shit.’ thin air.
Everyone in the room The silence persisted
looked at Avni with even after Avni finished
interest. reading. She looked at
‘Switch off the music everyone with an amused
please.’ I exchanged a face. I knew the room was
about to burst into a roar towards him and requested,
of laughter. I was ready ‘Could you please give the
to rush out but I heard song a tune?’
claps instead. And words ‘If you’ve written the
like ‘cool’, ‘sexy’, song, the tune shall
‘beautiful’, ‘killer’. appear too,’ he said. The
Words which I had never warmth with which he said
heard for myself before, it had so much romance
but my creation for Neel infused in it that I fell
did. I smiled at Neel. He in love with him again.
was looking at Avni who Neel’s mother came out
dashed towards another from the room where Avni
room throwing the piece of had disappeared and asked
chart-paper on the floor. him, ‘Neel, why is Avni
Her attempt to belittle me crying?’
had obviously failed. Neel ‘Ask her,’ Neel shot
picked up the paper back.
cutting. I took few steps
 ‘I did. She said you Before I could finish
were rude to her,’ she she assigned me a job.
said accusingly. ‘Go inside and apologize
‘I was?’ Neel had the to Avni.’
right to be irked. I was I gave a what-the-fuck-
only looking alternately is-that look to Neel. He
once at Neel and then at returned the same look to
his mother. me and then to his mother.
‘Where’s the girl who ‘What should Titiksha
made fun of her?’ apologize about?’
‘Nobody made fun of her ‘I won’t listen to
mom.’ anything Neel. Please ask
‘Where is the girl, your friend to do what I
Neel?’ asked.’
I had to step in. ‘But mom this is
‘I had written a song completely bullshit.’
for Neel. And…’ ‘How dare you use that
word with your mom?’ She and moved out. Did I
darted a filthy glance at choose to bow down because
me and said, ‘I think you I saw Neel’s helpless
should choose your friends situation and did not want
carefully, Neel.’ him to suffer because of a
‘I’m sorry mom but Avni song written by me? Love
is at fault here.’ makes you do stupid things
‘Her parents will be at times.
here any moment now. Your Neel’s mother was busy
dad is downstairs waiting briefing the servant. ‘I
for them. I don’t want have done what you wanted
them to see her crying.’ aunty,’ I said. She looked
I don’t know what at the room’s entrance,
happened to me at that and saw Avni there,
instant. I simply went smiling.
inside the room where Avni ‘Good. You aren’t as
was sitting, apologized, disobedient as you look.’
 ‘You are wrong aunty. I paused and looked at
I’m disobedient. But my him with tears in my eyes.
obedience to you is What had I done to deserve
because I love your son.’ such humiliation? Just
I was sure Neel’s mother loved someone with all my
was surprised at my sudden heart?
audacity for I was the ‘I love you too,’ Neel
girl who had, a minute said. It was loud enough
before, done exactly what to qualify as an
she wanted. I didn’t wait announcement.
for anyone anymore. I
didn’t even look at Neel.
I simply reached the
stairs, and as I was about
to climb down, I heard my
name being called out.
‘Titiksha.’ It was Neel.
 to finish the story as quickly as
Chapter 8 possible. But even after asking
Nivrita to tell him the entire story
in one sitting, she keeps slicing it
up, God knows why.
WILL NEEL AND TITIKSHA The laptop’s display goes blank.
SORT OUT THEIR If Nivrita had not told him about
RELATIONSHIP? the scope of ‘reality fiction’ in
India, and how a fictional story
promoted as a true story helps one
T his is the least Neel has written
since he began writing the story sell more because of the presence of
a huge number of gullible readers,
as narrated to him by Nivrita.
As he shuts down his laptop, he Neel would have requested her to
feels the story is taking a toll on change the names of the
him. In fact, from the time he protagonists. It’s weird to write
started writing the story, nothing about something with your own
has gone right in his life. He wants name. Neel gets up from his chair
and stretches himself. While joking. When she couldn’t stop her
drawing the curtains of the room, laughter, Neel ran inside and
he is amazed to see its dark outside. looked at the mirror. Nivrita’s
He doesn’t seem to keep a track of name was indeed written on his
time these days. forehead. Neel was devastated. He
Nivrita had come in the morning thought he would humiliate
and narrated the story further. And Titiksha but she had got up earlier
then she had left. After her than him, probably saw Nivrita’s
departure, Neel slept for some name on her forehead, and had
more time and had then started written Nivrita’s name on his
writing from early evening. It’s forehead instead to mock him and
10.30 pm now. What the fuck! get even. As Neel washed the name
Titiksha is still not home. off his forehead, he swore he would
When Nivrita laughed at him in not let Titiksha go away with it. He
the morning, standing by the door intentionally didn’t call her up
stating her name is written on his throughout the day.
forehead, Neel thought she was Let her think I’m okay with what she
did and when she’s back, I shall show contacts in his phone anyway.
her what real mocking is all about. ‘Hello.’ A man speaks on the
Neel had drowned himself in the phone.
story after that. And now it is way ‘Hello. This is Neel Chatterjee.
beyond Titiksha’s normal time of Could you please tell me if Titiksha
returning home. has left or not?’
He calls Titiksha. A voice tells ‘Yes, yes. Titiksha ma’am has left
him that the number is on time.’
unreachable. He tries a few more ‘At what time?’
times. Unreachable. Neel is now ‘On time. Titiksha ma’am has left
anxious. Could she be in the metro? on time.’
But she never takes the metro to ‘Could you please tell me at
come home from office, assuming precisely what time? I’m her…’
she was in office all day. Neel was a bit cautious. Live-in
Neel searches the contacts on his partner may not go down well so
mobile phone and gets Titiksha’s he says, ‘I’m her husband.’
office number. There aren’t many ‘Titiksha ma’am has left on
time.’ and chicken nuggets for himself.
What’s wrong with this man? Is Let her come when she wants to,
he a robot? Neel tells himself.
‘Thanks.’ Neel cut the line, a tad The pizza comes in within thirty
disturbed as well as frustrated. If minutes. Neel takes another thirty
she has left on time, then she minutes to finish it, and then sits in
should have reached home by now. his balcony looking at the distant
Or is she with the other guy, silhouette of the city, thinking
hatching another scheme to nothing crucial. He is feeling sleepy
humiliate him? as he yawns three-four times
Neel’s gut feeling says she won’t within a span of few seconds. What
be back for dinner. He searches for if he falls asleep before Titiksha
one of the Domino’s Pizza comes in?
pamphlets which someone keeps He reluctantly goes to his table
dropping at his doorstep time and in the bedroom, tears off a page
again. He finds it, dials their from a notepad, and goes to the
number, and orders a Pizza, coke, hall. With a cellotape he sticks one
end of the paper on his door and ‘Please throw it back,’ the boy
the other end on the wooden frame requests.
beside it in a way that if someone Neel gets up and hurls the
opens the door, the paper will get newspaper back. He goes inside
torn from the centre. It’s his way of and is surprised looking at the main
knowing if Titiksha comes and door. The piece of paper is intact.
leaves without his knowledge. That means Titiksha has not come
Impressed by his intelligence, Neel back all night. Something has to be
goes to the balcony again. He falls wrong with her.
asleep in no time. Neel dials her number with his
It is morning now. Neel wakes heart beating faster than normal.
up with a start when something The number you have dialled is
hits him on the face. unreachable, says a female voice in
‘Sorry dada, by mistake,’ Shouts Bengali.
the newspaper boy from below. Neel wastes no time and dials his
He has thrown the newspaper to parents’ number next.
the wrong floor. ‘Hello Babushona, good
morning.’ It is his father on the line. police would do, if called, is arrest
It always is his father on the line his father for the sudden and
whenever he calls. supposed disappearance of
‘ Did Titiksha call?’ Titiksha.
‘No. What happened?’
‘She has not come home last
night and her phone is
unreachable.’ Neel has gone to his parents’ place.
His father is at the breakfast table,
‘What? Why?’
eating.
‘How do I know? I’m a bit
worried now. Should I report it to ‘O-go shuncho, Neel is here. Give
him breakfast,’ he calls out to
the police?’
Neel’s mother.
‘No!’ The response is instant.
Neel is taken aback. ‘Not the ‘I won’t eat anything. Titiksha is
missing.’
police.’
‘How can you say she is missing?
His father sounds overtly
It hasn’t even been 24 hours yet.’
concerned as if the first thing the
 ‘How do you know?’ For a moment their eyes meet.
‘You told me over the phone Neel doesn’t look in to his father’s
Babushona that she didn’t come eyes often.
home last night. Now it’s daytime. ‘Breakfast is here for my
Hardly twelve hours.’ Babushona.’
‘Hmm. But why did you ask me Neel’s mother comes in the
not to report it to the police?’ dining space followed by a servant
‘They will also ask you to wait who has a tray with a plate full of
for 24 hours, that’s why. Moreover, delicious fulko-luchi and another
reporting it to the police may take plate of alur-dum. She places a
the matter to everyone’s drawing glass of Apple juice beside the two
room in the neighbourhood. You plates in the tray.
understand what I am saying?’ ‘Mom, Titiksha is missing and
‘I do. But what else can we do? dad doesn’t want to file a police
Her phone is not reachable. I don’t report.’
even know if she is alright or not.’ His mother momentarily pauses,
‘She is alright.’ glances at her husband once, and
then looks at her son. against his wish, pondering about
‘He must have good reason for what he should do if not report to
that.’ She pulls a chair and sits in the police. One reason why he
between her son and her husband wants to involve them is because he
by the dining table. needs someone to conduct the
It’s now that Neel considers his search for him. Now he will have to
father’s reason. He understands if pursue Titiksha else he won’t be
he files a police report, and even if able to rest in peace. But for how
they accept it, they would keep long?
coming to their house to update ‘What if Titiksha doesn’t return
them or gather more information, even today?’ he asks.
thereby letting other people know Instead of his father, he hears his
about the matter. People have a mother say, ‘Another luchi,
special power of sniffing other’s Babushona?’
problem, and relaying a distorted ‘No. I have a meeting.’ He looks
version of it to the world. at his watch and realizes he is
Neel quietly has his breakfast already five minutes late. He
quickly finishes the remaining luchi metro station.
and alur-dum. Neel moves out of the metro
It takes Neel a little more than station only when a majority of the
twenty minutes to arrive at one of crowd has pushed themselves out.
the exits of the Park Street metro As he comes out, he takes a
station. He stands at a corner, sharp left turn, and a few steps later
watching the sea of men and he crosses the main road and takes
women moving out with the a right on the footpath to go
clutches of impatience and towards the Apeejay House. He is
indifference. Neel would have supposed to meet Nivrita there.
taken his father’s car but it has been He waits for a minute by the
in a service station since a day Kotak Mahindra Bank inside the
before. A taxi would mean reaching Apeejay campus after which
where he wants much after the Nivrita comes out. Just like the
scheduled time because of the peak other day, Nivrita is in Indian wear.
traffic hours. Hence he reluctantly It’s a white and blue figure-
took the metro from Belgachia hugging salwar suit this time.
 ‘You look fucked up. What you. I am not a detective.’
happened?’ she says continuing to Neel hasn’t even made such a
walk. Neel tries to catch up with proposition.
her. ‘Can you at least accompany me?
‘Titiksha didn’t come home last I have no friends. My parents also
night.’ don’t seem much interested. They
Nivrita stops. So does Neel. say I should wait till night, but I
‘Let’s celebrate!’ she says with a won’t be able to. And I don’t like
brio that doesn’t go well with Neel. going around alone searching for
‘What do you mean?’ her.’
‘I don’t even have to snatch you ‘Okay. I will accompany you.’
from her now. She herself ‘Thanks Nivrita.’
withdrew from you. So let’s ‘Thank me when you find her.’
celebrate.’ She begins to walk again. So
Titiksha is my girlfriend. And does Neel.
I’m serious.’ ‘Now tell me,’ Nivrita says,
‘Don’t expect me to find her for ‘Have you been to her office?’
 ‘No.’ ‘Where does she work?’ Nivrita
‘Chances are if she went on her says.
own, then she would attend office. ‘Cintus Finance.’
If not, then at least we can know ‘Have you been there before?’
she applied for leave or not.’ ‘Yes.’
And she just said she isn’t a Neel thinks a little and then says,
detective? She certainly thinks like one. ‘Once.’
First her figure aroused him, now ‘Good. Where is it?’
her intelligence does. He wonders ‘Infinity Building, Sector 5, Salt
in how many other ways will Lake.’
Nivrita arouse him in the future. ‘Let’s take the metro till Shova
‘Do you even know how many Bazaar and then we will take a
illicit couples go to Digha and shared-auto from there to
Mondarmoni citing office work and Ultadanga, and change in-between
have fun there?’ to Karunamoyee and then to Sector
Neel doesn’t know. He hasn’t 5.’
even heard the names of the places. Nivrita starts scooting towards
the metro station. She suddenly ‘Third floor,’ he tells Nivrita who
pauses and turns to see Neel waits for him to pay off the taxi
standing still. She shrugs at him. driver.
‘Can we please take a taxi?’ He As the taxi speeds away, they
has already dared a crowd once in enter the Infinity building, which,
the morning. Twice in a day will be if Neel is to believe, has leased out
too much for him to handle. one of its floors to Cintus Finance
‘Sure!’ where Titiksha works. There
In the taxi, Nivrita takes the weren’t much people going inside
opportunity to narrate a bit more of or coming out at this point in time.
the story to him. Though Neel’s Together they go inside the giant
mind is on Titiksha, still work is building, take the elevator to the
work. He listens carefully. Due to third floor, and move out to see the
heavy traffic, it takes them two entire floor getting renovated.
hours from Park Street to the There is no proper entrance.
Infinity building in Salt Lake Sector ‘Is this where she works?’
5—the IT hub of Kolkata. Nivrita is as dumbfounded as Neel.
There’s a continuous noise of ‘We have been working here for
hammering which disturbs Neel. the last two weeks. I haven’t seen
He keeps blinking involuntarily anybody except our sahib who
with every hammering. There’s also comes from time to time,’ he adds
too much dust in the air. Both Neel and shifts his focus to the wood
and Nivrita cough together. Nivrita again.
covers her nose with a ‘Two weeks?’ Neel first darts a
handkerchief. look of disbelief at the worker and
Neel excuses himself to a worker then at Nivrita. Even she seems
who is skinning a wooden frame. surprised.
‘Excuse me dada, this is Cintus ‘But I called the office last night,’
Finance, right? Where are all the Neel declares. Though he is looking
employees?’ at the worker, he is actually telling
The worker looks up at Neel that to himself.
continuing to skin the wood, ‘I ‘Why don’t you try the number
don’t know babu.’ He is talking again?’ Nivrita suggests.
Bengali with a Bangladeshi accent. Neel takes out his mobile phone
from his jeans’ pocket and dials the ‘What the…’he starts.
office landline number of Cintus ‘Fuck!’ she finishes off.
Finance that he has saved since the
time Titiksha joined the firm.
‘Does the office number even
work?’ Nivrita speaks with her They quietly move out of the
handkerchief pressed against her Infinity building. Nivrita spots a
nose. roadside tea stall on the right side
‘Of course! I dialled it last night of the building.
itself. A man answered it.’ She goes up to it and orders two
As the call matures, Neel puts it cups of tea to the lady running the
on speaker. stall. Her kid whispers something
‘This number has been temporarily in her ear looking at Neel and they
suspended’, says an electronic voice together laugh. Nivrita lights a
out aloud. Marlboro for herself. Since it’s an
Neel gapes at his phone for a open area, Neel doesn’t mind
moment and then looks at Nivrita. Nivrita smoking. He just makes
sure he is at a safe distance from puff and she throws it down,
her. stamping it with her foot.
‘I’m sorry. Smoking helps me ‘It wasn’t a fake office. I have
think better, so do excuse me,’ she been here before with her.’
says and takes a long puff. They are ‘Once,’ she stresses on the word.
given tea in a small earthen tea pot Neel is trying to recollect
by the tea-stall lady. something.
Neel sips his tea and looks at few ‘I think I never went inside the
guys looking back in his direction. building. Or did I? I’m not too
All of them are checking out sure.’
Nivrita. It makes Neel feel ‘Titiksha brought you here
uncomfortable. He goes around and herself?’
stands in front of her, blocking the ‘Yes.’ This he clearly remembers.
other guys’ view of her back. They had come together after she
‘Why would she lie to you about was selected through a campus
a fake office?’ Nivrita asks almost interview.
done with her cigarette. One small Nivrita continues to sip her tea.
Once finished, she turns to throw Finance?’
the tea-pot in a dustbin, when she ‘No. I’m in CTS.’ The guy adjusts
notices the other guys at the tea his tag so that Nivrita can see it
stall. They have tags of their properly.
respective companies around their ‘Okay. Could you please tell me
neck. Nivrita walks up to them, what happened to Cintus Finance.
surprising Neel. It used to have its office in the
They are four of them in all. All Infinity building.’
brace themselves seeing the girl The guy thinks hard for a
whom they had just mentally moment and then says, ‘I don’t
undressed approaching them. think I have ever heard of that
‘Hey brother!’ she says. Three of company.’ He looks at the other
them instantly relax as if they don’t guys for some clue but they too nod
want to hear anything more from their head in a ‘no’.
her. She looks at the fourth one ‘Thanks,’ Nivrita says curtly and
who still looks eager to talk. goes to Neel who has now finished
‘Do you work in Cintus his tea.
 ‘He has not even heard about the she is going to office but she isn’t?’
company, wow.’ ‘That or she never told you about
‘He probably doesn’t know.’ the new address. Or she just told
‘I have been working here for you about a different office from
the last three years,’ says the guy the beginning. Or maybe she
raising his voice from behind. ‘I can changed in between and never told
bet my life there’s been no you about it. Or…’
company’s office with this name ‘It’s okay. The bigger question is
here in the last three years at least.’ why would she do that?’ he asks.
‘Thank you,’ Neel tells the guy. ‘It’s useless to stand here and
‘When were you here?’ Nivrita guess a girl’s intention. Find her.
asks Neel. Ask her.’
‘Almost four years back.’ Both cross the road to reach the
‘The guy may be right in that opposite side from where they will
case,’ Nivrita says with a frown. get a taxi to wherever they decide
‘You mean for the last four years to go.
Titiksha has been telling me that ‘How about going to your
parents and…’ Nivrita proposes. ‘Park Street,’ she says getting in.
‘Not my parents,’ Neel blurts out ‘I think I will go home. Can we
instantly. There is no way that he please do the rest of the story
will present Nivrita in front of narration tomorrow?’
them. They will pose unnecessary Nivrita takes a few seconds to
questions because except for think and then says, ‘Okay.’
Titiksha, Neel has never introduced The taxi moves forward, takes a
any girl to his parents. In fact they turn, and disappears. Waving off
may even guess because of Nivrita the smoke from the taxi, Neel
that Neel and Titiksha have had a coughs mildly. He gets a call on his
fight and now she is missing. His phone. It’s his father. He picks it
parents are good at guessing things up.
about him. ‘Babushona, can you come
‘I mean, I’ll see what to do next.’ home? We need to talk about
‘Fair enough.’ Titiksha.’
A taxi goes by. The driver slows Neel takes a second to respond.
down seeing Nivrita wave at him. ‘Is she back?’
 ‘Just come home Babushona.’ Inspector Biswas shakes his hand
with confidence. The man looks too
good to be a police inspector.
‘Nice to meet you Neel babu,’
Back at his parents’ place, Neel sees Parimal says. The handshake tells
his father sitting with a man who is Neel that this man could have
in a police uniform. Neel stands rehearsed meeting him a number of
frozen. He feels there’s some bad times.
news. Has Titiksha committed ‘I have told him about Titiksha’s
suicide? Or met with a fatal disappearance. He is going to be
accident? investigating the case,’ Neel’s
‘Come Neel. Meet Inspector father says.
Parimal Biswas.’ Neel relaxes. It means they still
The inspector glances obliquely don’t know about Titiksha. He sits
at Neel and extends his hand for a down opposite the inspector on the
handshake. Neel swallows a lump couch and looks at his father for
and then grabs his hand feebly. some clue.
 ‘After you moved out, I thought landline number which Titiksha
about it. You were right. It’s our had once given me but that too isn’t
duty to involve the police.’ working since morning.’
‘Where are Titiksha’s parents?’ ‘Since morning?’ Parimal repeats
Parimal asks Neel. after him.
‘Abroad.’ Neel nods.
‘Hmm. Where does she work?’ ‘Hmm. It does seem like a
‘Cintus Finance.’ missing case. Anyway…’ Inspector
‘Hmm.’ Parimal Biswas stands up. So do
‘But the office is not there Neel and his father.
anymore.’ ‘I shall see what I can do.’ The
Both Biswas and Neel’s father inspector pulls up his trousers that
stare at him. has fallen a little below his
‘I am coming from there. The protruding belly.
place where the office used to be ‘And don’t worry,’ he says, ‘Mr
has been under renovation from the Chatterjee, all of it will be discreet.
past two weeks. I called the office So when did you last see her?’
 ‘Last morning. No, in fact I the very next day—a classic crime-
haven’t seen her since I woke up of-passion case.
yesterday morning.’ ‘No. We rarely fought.’
‘Did you two fight over ‘They love each other.’ Neel’s
anything?’ father steps in. ‘In fact his mother
The images of Titiksha mocking and I were thinking of getting them
him and stating she would go to his married this year itself.
parents flashes in front of his eyes. The marriage bit is a lie but Neel
And then the kinky blind-folded keeps quiet.
sex session which he thought ‘Hmm, okay. I shall call you Neel
would humiliate her but something babu, if I get any information
else happened. He can’t say the regarding her. Good day,’ Parimal
truth, else the suspicion will fall trails off and turns to leave.
directly on him. A boyfriend who ‘Don’t you need a photograph of
fought with his girlfriend because hers?’ Neel interrupts the
he found out that she was dating inspector’s gait.
another guy and she goes missing Inspector Parimal Biswas turns
to exchange an uncomfortable and then you clicked one of
glance with Neel’s father. Titiksha’s and mine?
‘Thanks for reminding me. You ‘I don’t.’
have one with you?’ Neel’s father, it seems, knows
‘Not here with me. Actually what his son is talking about but
Titiksha and I used to click doesn’t want to show he does.
photographs very rarely. Only on ‘One minute inspector.’ Neel
birthdays or…’ Neel tries to goes inside, calling out to his
remember something. Parimal and mother. Half a minute later, he
Neel’s father swap a furtive glance. comes out with a Nikon CoolPix
‘Dad,’ Neel turns towards his digital camera. His mother has also
father, ‘I think we did click a few come out following him.
photographs when Titiksha was ‘Wait, let me show you.’
here.’ ‘What happened?’ Inspector
‘Did we?’ Parimal Biswas asks as Neel stops
‘Of course. Remember I clicked surfing the photographs in the
one of mom, you, and hers together camera.
 ‘All the other photographs are All through the way, he keeps
here but none from the day Titiksha thinking hard about the day
and I were here.’ Titiksha and he had visited his
‘I told you Babushona we didn’t parents’ place. It was the day he
get enough time to click any had introduced her to them. They
photographs,’ his father says as if had definitely clicked photographs.
making a point. In fact he remembers the positions
‘Never mind. I’ll get my own too. In all, four photographs had
camera. It’s kept somewhere in my been clicked: two of both of them
flat.’ together by the dining table and the
Neel takes his leave before the couch, one of his parents and
inspector does. Titiksha by the couch, and one of
‘Where are you going? It’s Titiksha, his mother, and him in the
almost lunch time. Stay balcony. Then how come those
Babushona,’ pleads Neel’s mother. photographs were not there in the
camera anymore? Has someone
‘I’ll come back soon, mom.’
deleted them intentionally? Does
Neel leaves for his rented flat.
he have a backup in his laptop?
Neel isn’t sure. He hasn’t seen here? Neel asks himself. Was
them since a long time now. Has he Nivrita here in his absence? But
ever seen them? He can’t recollect. how can she be here? Only Titiksha
Then he remembers his mother had and he had the keys. The main door
not let him take the camera with is locked properly. There is no sign
him. He doesn’t remember why. of forced entry either. A pigeon
Neel reaches his rented flat in flaps its wings outside the window
Lake Town. He goes straight to the where it has laid an egg on one of
bedroom where there is a Godrej the empty flower pots left there by
almirah. As he moves towards it, an earlier tenant. Neel never felt
his foot hits something. The hit like removing it. Nor did Titiksha.
takes the object to someplace else. Now as he looks at the window,
Neel looks around and notices the and notices that it is half open. He
object is now lying under the table. guesses someone must have thrown
He bends down to pick it up. It’s a the cigarette packet from outside.
cigarette packet. Marlboro. Why?
Nivrita’s brand. What is it doing Neel opens the cigarette packet.
He finds something has been
stashed inside it. He brings it out. It
looks like an old piece of paper…a
cut out of lips…inside there’s a
poem written…or is it a song? FROM NEEL’S
Just like it was in the story
Nivrita was narrating to him. And MANUSCRIPT
the one Neel is writing.

10
Love makes all of life’s
coincidences seem like
real intention. My
parents’ divorce, my
shifting to Salt Lake confession that he loved
International School, me. Later Neel told me
getting drenched on my nothing much happened.
first day to school, Avni left the party citing
Neel’s presence in the a headache. His parents,
class, the shirt-swap, and more importantly, were not
all of the subsequent harsh on him. For the
events were no coincidence first time in his life, he
even though it seemed so said, his parents didn’t
when they were happening. make a fuss about his
Coincidences in life—they choice. I was happy to
make our stories know that because it only
interesting. meant they had accepted
I don’t know much about his choice—they had
what happened at the party accepted me.
after I walked out of it, In school, Neel and I
after Neel’s open were given the couple-of-
the-year kind of time. And that’s the best
treatment. It’s not that thing anyone can do for
Neel and I talked much. someone. It’s because time
But because all our brings the past and future
classmates kept nudging us into existence. With my
respectively all the time, mind off time, I was
we felt like we were in an finally ‘living’ in the
affair which neither of us truest sense of the word.
formally maintained. I I couldn’t take Neel off
kept stalking him in my mind though. I felt
school and at times he like I was possessed by
stalked me too. The hide- him. So much so that at
n-seek we played gave me certain moments it didn’t
soul-orgasms. It was a even matter if I loved him
game we both were or if he loved me for I
participating but neither knew he had consumed me,
accepted it. He made me and I could live a life
forget to keep track of
off that consumption. ‘No, I mean what exactly
A few weeks after the did you feel and why did
birthday party incident, you say it only at that
and after a lot of moment?’
thought, I finally asked Neel, with a frown,
him, ‘Why did you say started looking here and
that?’ there, as if he was
‘What?’ desperately searching for
‘That you love me.’ an apt answer.
‘Why did you tell my mom ‘I like your presence.
that you loved me?’ And it does something to
‘I felt like doing so.’ me. I don’t know what.’
‘Same here.’ In that ‘I-don’t-know-
‘What did you feel?’ what’, I got to know a lot
‘That I love you.’ about him, about me, and
about us.
I blushed a little but
didn’t make it obvious. ‘Tell me,’ he said,
‘When did you fall for best about you?’
me?’ I shrugged.
‘The day we swapped ‘Forget it. If I tell
shirts.’ you, then you will
‘You mean you wouldn’t consciously try to
have fallen for me if we maintain it. I would
hadn’t swapped shirts?’ rather love it if you keep
It was my turn to doing whatever it is
surmise an apt answer. unknowingly.’
‘Why don’t you see it If that’s what made you
this way: it’s because we fall for me, I will...I
were supposed to fall for wondered but we left it at
each other that we swapped that.
shirts. Incidents are All through the night, I
merely an excuse. A means kept guessing what it
to an end.’ could be. What could be
‘You know what I like that thing in me which was
worthy enough for someone Yo-didun sighed touching
to love me? I was lying on my chin with her
my bed, smiling to myself, fingertips and then
when Yo-didun came and sat immediately kissed those
beside me. fingers as if she stole a
‘So it has finally kiss from my chin.
happened.’ ‘It’s strange, isn’t it?
‘What Yo-didun?’ I sat Falling in love eventually
up on the bed feigning becomes the one big event
innocence. of your life. I’m seventy-
‘When a girl of sixteen nine. And every night I
years smiles to herself keep thinking about the
before going to bed, it number of times I fell in
means it has happened.’ love.’
‘It has,’ I said rather ‘Did you fall in love
softly. ‘Why, shouldn’t it more than once, Yo-didun?’
have happened?’ ‘More than once? I fell
in love so many times that job and we were married.
I have lost count.’ He died sooner than I
That was a revelation. thought he would. In the
Until then, I had thought days that followed I
Dadu was the only man in really thought I had lost
her life. him, but as I kept
‘If the one you love thinking about our times
doesn’t make you fall in when he was there with me,
love with him again and I understood he was that
again, then you were never kind of a novel which even
in love with that person after you are done reading
to begin with.’ I met your it, stays with you. You
Dadu for the first time on keep wondering about its
the first of November lines, certain passages,
1955. He was my father’s and then you realize that
favourite student. The there is more meaning to
next year he got himself a them than you thought
while reading it for the
first time. And thus even them, but I never abused
after your Dadu’s death I Avni or her groupies
kept falling in love with because I knew if I was in
him again and again.’ her place, I would also
She gave me an endearing not appreciate someone
smile. snatching Neel from me or
I hope my love for Neel acknowledge if Neel
is something similar, I willingly got inclined
thought. I slept well that towards any other girl
night. just like he did towards
Avni started avoiding me me being in a relationship
in school after Neel’s with Avni. True, he wasn’t
birthday party, and her in a relationship with
silly groupies kept Avni by choice, but then
looking at me detestfully he could have told Avni
whenever I passed by them. about it rather than
Not that I cared about playing on with the
relationship just for the
sake of it. Maybe she bookshelf in the library?
loved him just as much as I had seen it only once
I did. but I was sure they had
This negative feeling kissed a lot many times
towards Neel disturbed me. before and after that. It
I had never experienced troubled me so much that I
anything like this before. chose to become blind
I knew nobody was perfect towards Neel’s
but still I would have imperfections. For every
been happier if Neel had imperfection of his, I was
told Avni that he was in a churning out a perfect
relationship with her excuse to cover him. I
because his parents wanted wasn’t comfortable doing
him to be, and not because it. I never talked to him
he was really in love with or anybody else about it
her. And what was that either. Since my parents
they did behind the were divorced, I had
already seen how brittle
relationships could get whom I could call mine. He
with time. I didn’t want was my first emotional
Neel and my relationship possession. People don’t
to ever reach that brittle leave their house locked
stage where one of us fearing their stuff would
broke it into pieces and be stolen. They do so
told the other that it was because they know they
for good. have something priceless
From the very beginning, with them which they can’t
I had full faith that Neel afford to share or lend to
would love me one day. But others. But how could I
when he actually started lock Neel only to myself?
loving me, I began feeling From the night this
insecure about him. Maybe thought occurred to me, I
it was because before Neel started noticing weird
I had nobody in my life, things about Neel which I
whom I could hold on to, had never noticed before,
or had chosen to ignore in Titiksha.’
love. Every time I met him I didn’t know why but
in school or in tuition, I with those words I felt
had a problem if he talked Neel and my relationship
to a girl or laughed with would never ever be
her. If he didn’t look at brittle again, that my
me when I was looking at fears were uncalled for.
him, I felt enraged. I To my heart’s relief, I
started expecting things somehow convinced myself
from him which I knew that no other girl would
didn’t matter, and yet ever be able to snatch
those insignificant things Neel away from me. Yo-
would hurt me if left didun was right. There’s
unfulfilled by Neel. Until always this craving for a
one day he told me physical proximity—and
something after school. physical ownership—in
‘Mom wants to meet you everyone’s idea of love.
 11 he went away, his mom
smiled at me, stood up,
‘May I please talk with and ambled towards the
her alone, Neel?’ door to lock it. I kept
We were in Neel’s looking at her as she
bedroom. Neel’s mother was picked up her costly-
great to talk to, quite looking purse and rummaged
different from what she through it. She took out a
was on Neel’s birthday. I cigarette packet and a
had not slept the night lighter. She lit the
before, wondering what was cigarette and put the
it that she wanted to meet packet and the lighter
me for. But seeing her back inside her purse. She
favourable attitude took a deep puff and came
towards me, I relaxed. back to sit beside me. She
‘Sure mom,’ Neel said. suddenly made a face as if
He gave me an assuring I was stinking.
look and left the room. As
 ‘Neel told me that your to a rich family,’ I said.
parents are divorced and ‘Then what are you doing
that you live with your with Neel?’
uncle who works as an ‘I love him.’
accountant in a college?’ ‘That’s what every poor
‘Yes. That’s true.’ girl says when she meets a
‘You know that you don’t rich boy.’
belong to our financial In that moment, I
class, right?’ realized why Neel’s mom
I knew what she meant. wanted to meet me. She
By then I’d guessed the wanted me to move out of
goody-goody attitude she his life simply because I
had showed in the didn’t belong to, as she
beginning was only because implied, the same
Neel was around. This was financial class as them. I
her real self. also understood why she
‘I know I don’t belong was so submissive in front
of Avni all the time. She ‘I study hard aunty.’
belonged to an even higher ‘But all this love
financial class than Neel. business won’t help your
‘I’m not a poor girl. focus.’
Both my parents work and ‘My love for Neel
they sponsor my studies. I doesn’t defocus me in
am from a well-to-do anyway.’
family.’ My resilience wasn’t
‘How very wonderful of helping her intention. She
them! Equally good is the must have thought I was a
fact that you are aware TGIF when she called me
that they are working hard here. Well, I was never a
to educate you. So why TGIF anyway. Finally she
don’t you make use of this stubbed her cigarette in
opportunity and study hard an ashtray and said,
instead of loitering ‘Forget Neel. Neel’s dad
around with my son?’ and I have grand plans for
his wedding with Avni. Now ‘You are a nice girl,
come out with me and tell Titiksha.’
Neel that you will never I followed her as she
meet him again, and that moved out. My steps were
he deserves someone heavy for I knew this
better.’ She held my chin could be the last time I
roughly and pressed her was meeting Neel. I knew I
fingers on my face hard. would continue to see him
It hurt but I didn’t budge in school and tuition but
except for looking at her with a sense of loss,
straight as she said, ‘Is knowing he would
that clear?’ eventually be someone
A few seconds passed by. else’s. His mom wanted me
Her eyes were burning with to tell him that he
contempt. I nodded in deserved someone better
agreement after which she than me. But how could I
let go of my face. tell him all that when I
had desired and coveted about my own life being in
Neel ever since I saw him, love with Neel?
and also knew he did the As I reached the hall
same for me? Was this room downstairs, I found
temporary life that I Neel flipping through a
lived between seeing Neel sports magazine, sitting
for the first time to the by the sofa. The Doberman
day when he left his mom was sitting by his side.
and me alone in his Neel stood up the moment
bedroom, an illusion? Yo- he saw me. His mom was
didun always told me life standing by the stairs
was one big magic trick looking at us. At me in
and if one wanted to enjoy particular.
the trick, one shouldn’t ‘Hey, are you leaving?’
be too inquisitive about Neel came up to me.
it. Otherwise the trick ‘Yes.’
shall disappoint you. Was
‘So early? Weren’t we
I being too inquisitive
supposed to go for tuition ‘She said…’ I raised my
together?’ I stole a voice a bit and continued.
glance at his mom who was ‘She likes me a lot and
waiting for me to tell never wants me to leave
Neel whatever she had told you, come what may.
me upstairs in his Actually she thinks we are
bedroom. a perfect couple.’
‘I need to tell you Neel beamed as he looked
something, Neel.’ up again at his mom and
He gave me an enquiring gave her a flying kiss.
frown. ‘I love you mom,’ he
‘Your mother told me said.
something while you were His mother returned his
here.’ kiss with another flying
Neel looked up once at kiss rather reluctantly,
his mom and then at me. all the while looking at
‘What did mom tell you?’ me with scorn.
 ‘Let’s go for our Neel’s mom had told me
tuition now. And please, such nasty things. But she
let’s walk. No car this was also proud of how I
time,’ I said to Neel. It handled the situation.
was directed more at his Although it was spiteful,
mom, though. his mom deserved every bit
That was perhaps the of it. Her words weren’t
first time I had claimed exactly honey-coated
my ownership of Neel to either. After listening to
someone other than myself. me, Yo-didun also said
If I ever deserved the that’s how great love
Best-Bitch Award, this was stories were created: when
the moment. someone dared to do
something unexpected or
when someone decided to
12 sacrifice something dear.
I had done both that day.
Yo-didun couldn’t believe
I had dared to disagree
with Neel’s mom and I had mama’s reaction. If he saw
also sacrificed my self- a boy from my school at
esteem owing to my love his place, he would have
for Neel. Stupidly enough, thought of all kinds of
I was feeling happy even things. I have never had
after I knew I had been any boy calling me up,
humiliated like never even on my landline
before. number, ever, so a boy
For the next few weeks, visiting my place would
Neel would take a cycle- have been stretching it
rickshaw and come to my too far. Even the
mama’s house to fetch me. neighbourhood wasn’t a
The first day I was a bit good one. People noticed
nervous seeing him by the whoever frequented the
house gate. neighbourhood, whose house
‘Please don’t come they went to, when and
here,’ I told him fearing why. Thankfully the first
day nobody really noticed
Neel. didn’t like that.
From then on, Neel ‘But the cook loves me.
decided to wait for me at She gives me extra without
the bus stop close to my telling mom about it.’
place. I too used to move Sharing breakfast with
out a few minutes before him behind the bus stop
my normal time. Bijoya together had its own
mami said she wouldn’t be charm, and I chose not to
able to provide me say anything to disrupt
breakfast because I was it. Neel would
leaving the house ten intentionally come to
minutes early. I school early. After his
sacrificed my breakfast. car dropped him, he would
When I told Neel about it, take a cycle-rickshaw to
he solved my breakfast the bus stop where I would
problem by bringing me meet him, we would share
breakfast from his home. I breakfast, and together
take another cycle- school one day that Avni
rickshaw to school. saw us. Not that we cared.
Everyday seemed like a new We were on our way inside
life. We talked when we the school premises when
were quiet, we were quiet she came up to us and
when we talked, we were said, ‘So Titiksha has
happy when we looked brought you to the level
serious, and we were of a cycle-rickshaw from
serious when we were your suave car? Good luck
happy. Every significant Neel for your future,’
exchange between us was saying this she was gone.
special and every What I never understood
insignificant thing was was why this world was
magical. infested with people who
It was while getting judged an individual on
down from the cycle- the basis of their
rickshaw in front of the possessions and not what
was within them. Nobody, Given a choice, would
except Yo-didun, Bijoya mami live with all
appreciated the fact that of them? Prior to that, I
I loved Neel a lot. All always thought it was
people noticed was if my simple: you love someone
parents were divorced or then you get married, and
not, if I lived in a big remain together forever.
house or not. Going by But seeing his parents’
Neel’s mom, I would have reaction as well as how my
deserved him if my family own parents handled their
was richer than Avni’s. marriage, even when it was
Why this materialization a love marriage, I was
of love? Yo-didun had once totally perplexed. I tried
told me how Bijoya mami to share my quandaries
married my mama because he with Yo-didun at times but
had a secure job then. But instead of answering like
then so many people might she always did, she asked
have had secure jobs?
me to discover the answers jealous. I believed him.
myself as I moved along in During recess, Avni came
life. I didn’t know how to me and said, ‘In case
Neel perceived this. If he Neel has not told you
thought my love for him before, he and I have made
was manipulating him in out many times—sometimes
some way, and making him at his place, sometimes at
compromise the luxury he mine, and also in various
was born with, then my corners of our school. So
love for him was a even if you guys are
failure. making out, just remember
I didn’t react at Avni’s you will always be his
words when she retorted second choice. I was and
about the ‘car to cycle- will be his first girl.
rickshaw’ thing. Neel And you won’t ever know
asked me to avoid her for how it is to be someone’s
she was being plain first.’
 And then the image of
her going behind the
Chapter 9
bookshelf, followed by
Neel in the library during
my first week in school,
flashed in front of me. IS TITIKSHA HIDING,
The image told me I would MISSING, OR…DEAD?
never be what Avni was for
him—his
Probably
first
for the
girl.
first N eel feels like there’s some
weight on him. The weight
time I understood what seems to be shifting back and forth
jealousy was and how around his pelvis. As his conscious
quickly can it burn a mind slowly flowers, Neel opens
heart in love into ashes. his eyes. He sees Titiksha riding
him with her hands on his chest.
When did she come in? He
wonders and looks at her loose hair
covering one side of her face. Her
moans are just about audible. As ferocity that given just a little
she jerks her head back and opening in the cage, it will barge
straight, the hair shifts from her out of it and eat him alive. How
face a bit. Neel notices her eyes and why did Titiksha do that; bring
shut tightly, and she looks drunk a dog inside his flat? What the fuck
with passion. is wrong with her?
Neel has no time to question her. Neel hears another bark. He
He can feel the carnal pleasure pans his eyes and notices there are
himself. He is about to raise his two, three, four, five, six, seven
hands to support her juggling cages around him in the room and
breasts with his palm when he each one has a shining brown
hears a bark; a sharp and loud bark. Doberman locked inside it, barking
Neel twists his head sideways and away at Neel with darting looks.
sees to his horror a cage inside And at the centre of the cages are
which a Doberman is barking out at Neel and Titiksha fucking away
him. Its canines look razor sharp. naked.
The Doberman eyes him with such With every fierce bark, Neel’s
eyes flicker with fear. He is too there is one problem. There is only
scared to find his voice. He tries a difference of fifteen inches
calling out to Titiksha but she puts between one of the Doberman’s
her hand on his mouth and face and Neel’s. He had not seen
continues to ride him. Her moans this particular one because it had
and the dogs’ barks make a scary been hiding behind Titiksha till
yet wild sexual concoction for Neel. then. Now looking at it eye to eye,
Before he can choose between he knows this one has to be the
pleasure and fear, Titiksha grabs his fiercest of the lot. It barks. Neel
hands and pulls him forward, shuts his eyes tight. He feels a pat
herself lying on her back. It on his butt from Titiksha,
happens so quickly that Neel demanding him to move his hips
doesn’t get enough time to resist. In faster. But his focus is no longer on
an instant Titiksha, from being on giving Titiksha what she wants. It’s
top of him, goes under him. They the dog. It’s his fear. By now he has
are in the missionary position now understood the dog won’t come out
with Titiksha tightening the grip of of the cage. It helps him eye his fear
her thighs around Neel’s hips. But
better. And the more he gets dog barks even louder. Before Neel
accustomed to the fear, the more can continue this barking contest,
his pelvic thrusts increase in he feels something building up
intensity. The dog isn’t barking inside him; an orgasm. He fastens
anymore but only eyeing him with his hip movement and feels as if his
a growl exposing its canines. The thigh and hip muscles may suffer a
other dogs are surprisingly quiet spasm any moment. As Neel barks
now. The dog takes a backward once more, his head goes closer to
stance and leaps onto the cage with the cage. The dog instantly bites
full force. Neel almost feels its onto his hair and tries to drag him.
tongue on his nose tip. His thrusts Neel hollers in pain. Titiksha
slow down. Suddenly out of hollers in pleasure. The dogs bark
nowhere, Neel barks out loud at it. out in chorus. Neel’s heart is in his
The dog mellows down. Neel has mouth. Titiksha’s mind is numb.
surprised himself by barking like a ‘Help me, Titiksha. Help me,’
dog. He looks down at Titiksha. She Neel cries out. He looks around to
is moaning in ecstasy. He hears the see but there’s no Titiksha. There
dog bark. Neel barks louder. The
are no dogs either. There’s nothing met her in college. She may not be
in the room, in fact, except for the most perfect woman, but he
haunting silence. It was all a fucking still loves her.
dream? Neel wonders sitting up on For the first time since Titiksha’s
his bed. He is naked and has a full sudden disappearance, Neel misses
blown erection which dies quickly. her. Till now he has only thought
He rubs his eyes wondering who about her absence but the dream
sees such a weird dream; making makes him miss her presence. He is
out with your girlfriend with killer emotionally low. He starts crying.
dogs around. Wailing, in fact. In a matter of a
As he sits alone on the bed, it minute though he composes
dawns on him that he has probably himself and gets up. He is about to
lost Titiksha forever. From now on move out of the bedroom when his
maybe he will have to only dream eyes fall on the Marlboro packet he
about her to get to her. Neel feels had found in his room last night.
defeated from within. He has He picks it up from the table beside
always loved her from the time he the bed. He had kept the chart
paper cut out under the packet. about it? And he met Titiksha in
Now holding onto the cigarette college. Maybe Titiksha wants to
packet, he picks up the lips-shaped meet him in their college. Why?
chart paper cut out. He re-reads the Maybe she will explain the mystery
lines on the paper. He doesn’t behind the disappearance when he
know if it’s the same song that the meets her. But why the cigarette
character Titiksha wrote for Neel in packet? Neel thinks for a while and
the story on his birthday because then looks at his watch. It’s 10 in
Nivrita never told him the song. the morning. He has never slept till
But Neel nonetheless feels an eerie so late. Whatever happened to his
similarity between the two. He sense of time? He hurries to the
casually flips it. It’s a note of sorts toilet. At least he has got a lead
stating: remember where we met for now. His college. Maybe all his
the first time? questions will be answered when
We? As in Neel and…? Nivrita or he gets to college.
Titiksha? He met Nivrita at the Neel quickly gets ready to leave.
Jaipur Literature Festival. So what He takes a taxi to where his college
is: Munkundapur. It takes him close interested. Then Neel too gave up
to two hours to reach the place. He chasing them.
gets down from the taxi after Standing by the road opposite to
paying the fare and looks around. which stood the college once, Neel
This is the place where he met finds himself staring at an open
Titiksha for the first time. He still field which is fenced by barbed
remembers that she was wearing a wire and in the middle of it there’s
yellow salwar kameez and was a bamboo stick planted on the
carrying a bag. She seemed to have earth. On top of the stick a board
an aura unlike others. Talking of hangs: Gemini Realtors Pvt. Ltd.
others, he doesn’t know what The entire college building, which
happened to them. The ones he at the time of his graduation was
used to talk to most in college were expanding, is nowhere in the sight
Arijit Pal, Anirban Debnath, and now. Neel’s throat has gone dry.
Rohit Haldar. Neel has no idea He is sweating a lot more than he
what happened to them after usually does.
college. He tried to keep in touch He notices a man walking by on
but they suddenly didn’t seem
the opposite side of the road. ‘I don’t know. I haven’t seen any
‘Excuse me, dada.’ college here. How long ago was
The man stops to look at him. this?’
‘What?’ ‘Four-five years.’
Neel crosses the road and comes The man’s face twisted in a let-
to the man. me-think manner.
‘Isn’t there a college here ‘I think you should ask Madhu
somewhere?’ da about this. He’ll know.’
‘Here?’ The man looks at the ‘Madhu da?’
direction Neel is pointing at. ‘Come.’
‘I don’t see one,’ the man gives The man walked ahead and Neel
Neel a are-you-mad look. followed him. They reached a small
‘I mean there used to be one wretched looking motel by the
here.’ Neel reluctantly changed the road. Neel had not noticed it when
tense. he came to the lane in a taxi a few
‘So?’ minutes ago.
‘What happened to it?’ ‘Madhu da, this gentleman
wants to know if there was any Madhu da. Neel himself must have
college here four-five years ago.’ missed this motel during his college
Madhu da is sitting on a raised years because he was picked up and
platform behind a rickety desk by dropped right in front of the
the entrance of the motel. Looking college in his father’s car. And he
at his upper half, Neel is sure he is didn’t look around much during
way taller than the normal Indian those days.
standard. He looks like he has come ‘What happened to it?’ Neel
straight from his bed to the motel. inquired.
He looks up at Neel and says, ‘I don’t know. I think five years
‘College?’ back, students stopped coming.
Neel nods. Then one day the building was
‘Yes there used to be one. broken down.’
Students from the college used to ‘Broken down?’ Neel actually
come in my motel too.’ whispers it to himself but the two
Neel relaxed. He couldn’t have men hear it clearly.
possibly handled a ‘no’ from ‘Was it an old college?’ asks the
man who brought Neel here. Internet. The college must have its
‘Not really. It remained for four own website if they are genuine.
years.’ Maybe they changed its location.
‘Four years? A college for four My son says the entire world is on
years! What nonsense! You can’t the Internet these days. You know
believe anyone these days. Madhu da…’
Everyone is a scamster.’ The man is Neel’s mind is elsewhere. Why
visibly disgusted. ‘I’m sure it must would Titiksha tell me if I
have been some illegal racket to remember where we first met
lure students.’ when there’s no college here
Neel does a quick math. ‘Four anymore? Or is it the disappearance
years’ Madhu da said. It means the of the college itself that Titiksha
college was there only during the wants me to know about? Is it a
time he studied there. Neither clue to her disappearance as well?
before that nor after. Coincidence? ‘Dada, khe jaben na?’ Madhu da
‘Look gentleman,’ the man says, queries if Neel wants to have lunch
‘Why don’t you look it up on the at his motel. He looks at Madhu da
and says, ‘No, thanks.’ picks them up: one grass-green
By the time Neel gets himself a coloured top and a white jeans.
taxi to go back home, he has a plan Both smeared with something red…
in his mind: he would go to his flat blood. Neel instantly let’s go of the
and check about the college on clothes. They belong to Titiksha.
Google. Titiksha has left her That’s what she was wearing when
Internet dongle at their flat. Its time Nivrita saw her last in the mall.
he should forgo his usual boycott of Even he had seen a glimpse of it.
the virtual world and for a change, What the heck is this all about?
make use of it. Neel notices the back of the jeans
Another one and a half hours which is now on the floor again.
later, Neel is there at his flat. The Something is written in blood
elevator is out of order. He takes there. He picks up the jeans and
the stairs and reaches his flat. There unfolds it completely. He is now
is a heap of clothes in front of his able to read the note clearly:
door. He is skeptical about touching Neel is a murderer.
them. He drops on one knee and
 climbs down the stairs, now with a
suspicious gaze, Neel gets up with
Neel doesn’t know for how long he heavy legs and long-drawn breaths.
has been sitting by his rented flat’s He takes time to unlock the flat.
door, and crying holding on to the The key simply isn’t going inside
grass-green top and the white jeans, the lock. His mind is unable to
and sniffing it regularly as if that focus on anything. After a good
would make Titiksha appear in minute of struggle he unlocks the
front of him. The worst has finally door.
happened. Someone has killed As he closes the door behind,
Titiksha. feeling emotionally drained, he
Neel notices a middle-aged clips his nose with his fingers.
woman climb down the stairs. She There’s a rotten stink in the flat.
pauses seeing Neel. She senses he Neel looks around but there’s
needs help but Neel quickly hides nothing rotting anywhere. He is
the clothes, wipes his tears and having trouble breathing now. He
turns his head away indicating he tries to follow the stink and goes to
isn’t interested. As the woman
the small corridor connecting the inside the washing machine stuffed
hall and the bedroom. As he passes up to the brim. Neel collapses on
by his washing machine in the the floor. Someone has chopped
small corridor, he stops. The stink is Titiksha into pieces, and stuffed her
the maximum in this area. Neel body parts inside the washing
drops the blood smeared top and machine is Neel’s conclusion before
the jeans he is carrying on the floor. he loses consciousness.
And with trembling hands opens It’s the icky stink of flesh that
the lid of the washing machine— brings Neel back to consciousness
the stench that comes up from it after about an hour or so. He gets
pushes back Neel. Then slowly he up with a start, holding his head.
tries to look inside by clasping his He has a mild headache. Neel
nose tightly. What he sees makes opens the washing machine’s lid.
him scream out with plain horror. There are two pieces of eyes glaring
‘Oh God. Oh God! OH MY at him. Neel immediately shuts it.
frigging GOD!’ He quickly examines the windows
There are chopped pieces of flesh of the flat. All are shut tightly. Neel
relaxes. If the windows were open, of the kitchen. He washes his face
all the inhabitants of the building properly. Still he can’t forget the
would have been here by now. And image of the chopped flesh pieces.
what would he have told them? His He washes his face for few more
girlfriend was missing and now he minutes. And then puts his head
has her chopped pieces inside the directly under the tap. It relaxes
washing machine of his flat? The him slightly.
residents would not waste a second He takes out a bottle of cold
to call the police and hand over water from the refrigerator and
Neel to them; the prima facie gulps it down. Who could have
murderer. What is written on killed Titiksha with such hatred?
Titiksha’s jeans? That Neel is a She didn’t have many friends or
murderer. Does that mean Neel has enemies. The only person she used
killed Titiksha? And he doesn’t to fight with was him. And
know about it? Wow! What does whatever may be written on the
that note mean, really? dress, he hadn’t killed her. But then
Neel has reached the washbasin who did? Neel is thinking hard.
Could it be the guy with whom now, Neel tells himself resolutely,
Titiksha was going around? He it’s time for some action. He keeps
must have killed her and has now the bottle back inside the
pinned the murder on Neel? He has refrigerator. He brings out his
seen one such case in a crime show handkerchief from his pocket and
on television at his parents’ place ties it around his nose and mouth to
where an illicit lover murdered his negate the stink. He opens the
woman. In fact only he could have wooden wardrobe under the
got the flat keys from Titiksha and kitchen sink and brings out three
dumped the pieces inside. How big plastic packets from it. He
very convenient of him. But what heads towards the washing
went so wrong between them that machine. He stands right in front of
he had to do this? it holding its lid. He closes his eyes
I’ll find out who that guy is and kill and makes a mental count…1…2…
him with my own hands after he 3. And then opens the lid in a flash.
confesses the reason for killing my He feels like throwing up but
beloved Titiksha. Enough of emotions somehow doesn’t. He picks up the
chopped pieces, and transfers it
onto the three plastic packets, one with two room fresheners in hand,
at a time. Once done, he ties the he notices blood patches on the
packets well and takes them to the floor which he had missed earlier.
kitchen again. He empties the Neel first mops all the patches from
refrigerator and stuffs all the three the floor, and then empties the two
packets inside it. He has seen this in room-fresheners in the flat. Then he
a movie Titiksha had forcefully opens the windows, takes a bath,
made him watch once. He never and sits down to think what he
knew he would be enacting the should do next.
same scene in real life. He remains If Titiksha’s guy is trying to pin
still for a moment after closing the him as the murderer, then first he
refrigerator’s door. Then he vomits will have to track the guy down.
his guts out. Sobs. Vomits again. And if the other guy is innocent,
Sobs again. Then he cleans it all up then he can at least give him a lead
and puts the blood-stained clothes to whoever else could have done
inside the washing machine. this. Though Neel thinks the first
As he goes to the drawing room one is more probable. But how does
he get to the other guy? Neel thinks engineering college of its worth. He
hard and recalls why he came home searches the list carefully but
from Mukundapur in the there’s no mention of Neelkanth
afternoon. He had to check the College. Neel shuts the laptop
college website. The college where screen in disgust. How is it
he met Titiksha for the first time, possible? He had been given a
the same college the paper note in certificate from the college which
the cigarette packet led him to, in he had later given to the bank as
an indirect way. well during his appointment as an
Soon Neel gets busy with his employee. Was that a bogus
laptop and finally googles the certificate? Was Neelkanth College
college’s name: Neelkanth College a bogus college? In that case, even
of Engineering. There’s no link Titiksha’s certificate would be
suggesting the college’s website. bogus. Is that why, maybe, Cintus
Neel ponders for a while and then Finance had expelled her, and she
goes to the AICTE website—the didn’t tell him anything out of
body which labels every embarrassment?
 Nothing makes any sense to everything to Inspector Parimal
Neel except that things are not Biswas and he comes to find the
right. There’s a major flaw body in the refrigerator. What alibi
somewhere which he now knows does he have? He doesn’t even
but can’t put his finger on to just know the guy with whom Titiksha
yet. And that’s what frustrates him. was in the mall’s washroom. But…
He won’t let Titiksha’s killer rest in Nivrita may identify him. Yes, she
peace. But he can’t even share it said she saw him. So should he call
with anyone that she is dead. That Nivrita?
stage is gone. He should have done Neel’s phone buzzes and he
that the moment he saw the shrieks out in shock. It is Nivrita
clothes, but how would he know calling. Neel presses the green
that she had been stuffed inside the button and puts the phone against
washing machine? Should he his ear.
simply tell his parents? They will ‘Neel, where have you been all
understand he is innocent. No, day? We have to hurry up now
wait. Will they? What if they tell with the story. I want to get it
published this year. Do you get
that?’
As Neel’s heart beats chugs back
to normal, he wonders how come
whenever he thinks of Nivrita FROM NEEL’S
either her message pops up, or a
call, or at times she herself turns up. MANUSCRIPT
Who the hell is she…the devil?

13
Neel and I had still not
kissed. I had kissed him
once on the cheeks, but
that was more of a peck
and it happened so quickly who initiated the make-out
that it seemed like it sessions? Neel or her? It
didn’t happen at all. couldn’t be Avni all the
From the time Avni told time. Then why hadn’t Neel
me about their make-out ever kissed me till now or
session, a fear of sorts even talked to me about
had engulfed me. I making out? Whether I
understood why it was would agree to it or not
important to look good. is a different issue, but
Earlier I was arrogant he could have at least
enough to perceive asked me. Did Neel not
external beauty as find me attractive enough?
something unimportant A 16-year-old fat girl who
probably because I didn’t wears old fashioned
have it. What I was clothes like an aunty;
curious to ask Avni, but would she be attractive to
certainly I couldn’t, was any guy? They say if you
don’t like yourself,
nobody else will. I questions troubling me
actually started hating ever in the past. It could
myself. Was it because have also been that the
Neel didn’t try to make- people around me talked so
out with me? Was it much about sex and making-
because I thought he never out that I was
would because of my looks? unnecessarily hyping these
Was it because he was in things in my mind when
love with the concept that they actually didn’t mean
he didn’t belong to Avni much in a relationship. I
anymore and I was only the really hoped that was the
means for him to case. I loved Neel, he
materialize the concept? loved me—it should have
Was I just an option he been the end of the story.
could hold onto to stay Growing up with an
away from Avni? I had uncompromising loneliness
never had so many nested within me, I had
developed a block against miserable for me. I lost
physical proximity. On one my focus on my studies,
hand I was worrying about and for the first time got
why Neel hadn’t shown any below average marks in
physical inclination Physics and Mathematics in
towards me, and on the a unit test.
other, I wondered about Neel had fought with his
what I would have done if parents and now used to
he actually proposed a travel to and fro from
make-out session. I had school on his own. I loved
never been hugged properly the fact that
by my parents. Skin to materialistic pleasures
skin touch gave me the weren’t important for him.
creeps. Had I not been We had few extra classes
charged with humiliation, one day, and by the time
I wouldn’t have pecked school got over, it was
Neel either. All these late in the evening. The
queries were making life
sky was roaring with thought we would reach our
thunder since afternoon homes before the onslaught
and it was unbelievably started but we were wrong.
dark. Neel and I took a I had an umbrella. But
cycle-rickshaw to the bus Neel didn’t.
stop. We were struggling ‘You go ahead. I will
to hold onto his guitar in wait till it stops raining
the cycle-rickshaw, and and then go home.’
trying to protect it from ‘Are you mad? It may be
getting wet. Neel wanted several hours before the
to practice after school rain stops. Plus we have a
but the rain was playing a test tomorrow.’
spoilsport. ‘There’s nothing I can
The moment we got down do.’
from the cycle-rickshaw at In a split second, I
the bus stop, it started took a daring decision.
raining heavily. We ‘Come to my place. We
can study together till As we walked from the
the rain stops. Then you bus stop to my mama’s
can leave.’ place, roughly five-
‘Are you sure?’ minutes walk, it turned
‘Of course!’ Honestly, I out to the longest walk I
was shit scared of had ever encountered. I
Bijoya’s mami’s reaction, had opened the umbrella
but I still didn’t back but I didn’t know how
track on my decision. exactly to get Neel under
That’s how great love it. To begin with, he did
stories are made—Yo- come under it, and held it
didun’s words reverberated above our heads while I
within me—when you dare to held onto the guitar. But
do something unexpected I guess he realized I
and unprecedented. Neel wasn’t comfortable and
and my love story had to thus he stayed a tad away
be a great one. from me, thereby getting
soaked in the rain. By the room, the one I shared
time we reached home, he with Yo-didun. But she
was partially wet. didn’t come to the room.
To my surprise Yo-didun ‘I have to watch my TV
opened the door. One look serial,’ she said.
at us and she knew who the True to her name, she
boy was. Neel touched her was a rockstar granny.
feet and she hugged him Neel eyed my room
tightly with a cute smile. properly keeping down his
‘Where is Bijoya mami?’ guitar by the door.
‘She has gone to her Obviously it was nothing
friend’s place. Your compared to his bedroom,
cousins are upstairs.’ but he didn’t let it show.
I relaxed. Coincidences And why should I hide or
like these make life fake something in order to
beautiful, I thought, and gain something as genuine
both Neel and I went to my as Neel’s love? What I
was, I was! I gave Neel a own?’ I said teasingly and
towel and asked him to dry went ahead to snatch the
his hair while I went to towel from him and rubbed
the kitchen to make tea it on his hair in order to
for the three of us; Neel, dry them properly. In one
Yo-didun, and myself. instance the towel fell
Minutes later when I not only over his head but
came back to the room, also over mine. Our heads
Neel was still fidgeting were under the towel at
with the towel with a the same time. We giggled
messed up hairdo. He at each other. I looked at
looked funny in a cute him once and then looked
way. I laughed keeping the down. I didn’t want him to
teacups on the dressing understand my feelings at
table. that point of time. The
‘You rich kids. Don’t worst part was I was sure
you do anything on your he did understand them. I
knew what was about to
happen but I didn’t back ‘You are the best thing
up. I stood my ground. His that has ever happened to
lips slowly came near mine me,’ he said without
and rubbed against it. It moving an inch.
wasn’t a proper kiss but I looked at him with
that friction seemed to tears in my eyes. They
wake me up to a myriad of weren’t happy tears. They
realizations. The most were tears of doubt. Did
significant of those he say the same thing to
realizations being that I Avni too? Wish I had the
belonged to Neel. The audacity to ask him that
moment was too emotionally then and there.
vibrant for me to ‘What happened?’
withstand it for long. I Am I better than Avni? I
soon removed the towel, wanted to ask but said, ‘I
and took a few back steps love you Neel.’
to move away from Neel. ‘I love you too
Titiksha,’ he reciprocated close—then too there
softly but he sounded very remained certain things
sure. which I couldn’t share
As I closed my eyes for with him. Maybe everything
a trice, the tears which is not meant to be shared.
were hanging on my eyelids ‘Do you trust me,
fell freely onto my Titiksha?’
cheeks. I nodded.
‘But why are you ‘Then your trust on me
crying?’ will be my strength to
‘Nothing.’ I still fight all temptations.’
couldn’t tell him I was That sounded like an
shamelessly comparing assurance. It helped me
myself to Avni. When Neel calm down.
was a stranger, I couldn’t ‘Excuse me,’ I said and
tell him certain things. headed towards the
When he came close—very washroom.
 Once I was back, we was learning every day,
studied together till the knowing well that I would
rain stopped. Yo-didun never be able to unlearn
made us some hot and it. No relationship can be
delicious pyaaji as well. unlearnt. But you can
Only when he was gone that always start learning
I realized he had another language. And it’s
forgotten his guitar at my up to the aura of the new
place. language how it can compel
one to forget the old
language. I wanted to be
14 that new language for
Neel. And probably I
The brief kiss sorted a
lot of things in my mind. already was.
I felt more confident Neel also opened up a
about Neel and myself. He new world for me which I
had become this language I wasn’t much upbeat about,
but being in love with him mother. All he had was
I had to pretend I was. He Pandeyji who was his
invited me finally to one assistant, bank, and
of his band sessions. It partner-in-crime.
happened in this huge There were cartons of
garage which belonged to Budweiser beer for
one of Neel’s friend’s, everyone. I tasted beer
Hemant. He studied in a for the first time. I
different school and had a thought it tasted like
band of his own. There was horse piss though some
a third band also in the other girls said that it
garage that night, but I was their favourite. Neel
didn’t know who they were was busy setting up his
or which school they band. He had purchased a
belonged to. Hemant’s new guitar for himself and
father was an IAS officer asked me to keep the old
who was out of station for one which he had forgotten
some work along with his
at my place with me. He ‘smoke-kissing’—as in a
said I could play it boy and girl would take a
whenever I missed him even puff each from a cigarette
though I didn’t know how and then release it inside
to play a guitar. the other’s mouth
With Neel busy with his simultaneously. I didn’t
band pals, I was feeling know why or how they could
like the odd-one-out in get pleasure in doing such
the crowd. I couldn’t weird stuff. And yet
relate to anything or standing there I behaved
anybody there. There were as if I did like it all.
youngsters like me who The same thing I did at
were not even eighteen but school too.
were doing grown-up stuff. There was this invisible
They were drinking, I saw ‘dress-code’, I realized,
a few couples smooching in which one had to adhere to
the open in one corner, in case one wanted to
remain in any social a group and participate in
group. One had to belong whatever they do,
to a certain group. compromising on your
Standing out was personal beliefs and
sacrilege. Rebelling was tastes, or live a lonely
considered arrogance, and life, a life of a social
as gutter stuff. I always outcast. If I wouldn’t
felt an ineffable pressure have drunk beer that
to choose like my fellow night, I too would have
classmates, talk like been termed a TGIF. There
them, and behave like them was this group of Avni-
even if I wanted to show lovers who were always on
them my middle finger most the lookout for an
of the times. There was no opportunity to tag me a
room for individuality. TGIF and humiliate me
The choice was simple: further in front of
either you become part of everyone all the time.
Till then I had foiled all
their attempts six months or so he says.’
successfully. But I There were whistles and
remained alert. loud cheers from the
Standing amid the garage crowd. ‘But he is yet to
band get-together, with a make-out with her! Not
beer can in my hand, my even a kiss!’ There was
eyes were looking for pin-drop silence. I didn’t
Neel. The next instant a know what the guy was
guy came forward, and trying to say. He raised
called for everyone’s his voice again looking at
attention by clapping his Neel, ‘Who is the girl
hands. dude?’ All eyes were on
‘Hey there, listen up. Neel now. I understood why
The lead guitarist of he was hesitating. He
Paintbrush, our own Neel, didn’t want to drag me
is in a serious into this shit. I loved
relationship for the last him for that. I chose to
step-in myself.
 ‘I am,’ I said aloud and could do something, I saw
all the eyes shifted their Neel punch the guy hard.
focus to me. The guy The others, instead of
stared at me for some time stopping the fight, were
and then said, ‘I don’t cheering them to hit each
blame Neel for not making- other harder. I let go of
out with you.’ the beer can and ran to
There was an outburst of the spot. I had never seen
laughter from all corners Neel so violent before.
of the room. I couldn’t And even though I hated
stand it. I felt someone what he was doing to the
had stripped me bare in guy, I knew he was right
public. The way they were to stand up for his girl.
looking at me told me that I somehow managed to
I didn’t have the right to pull Neel out of the
be in love with a handsome fight. The others booed as
boy like Neel. Before I I did so.
 I pulled him by his hand dripping from his eyebrow.
and said, ‘Let’s get out I took out my handkerchief
of here Neel.’ He and tried to rub it off,
complied. By the time we but he withdrew. He was
were out of the garage, quiet and looked intense.
everyone in the crowd was I didn’t know why he
chanting: ‘They are The wasn’t talking to me since
Great Indian Fattu I wasn’t at fault. Or was
couple!’ he rueing over the fact
that we indeed never made
out or because he, Mr
Popular, indeed deserved a
After moving out of the better looking girlfriend?
garage, Neel and I stood Suddenly I felt more
by a lamp post which had a insulted standing there
fused bulb unlike the beside Neel than I did
other lamp posts in the inside the garage when
street. I could see blood
people were laughing at away immediately. No
us. words, no gestures. He
‘What was the need to didn’t even care to ask me
tell them about what we how I would go back to my
have done or not done?’ I place. Few minutes later,
blurted out. It came out a I found a taxi to take me
bit rudely than I would home.
have liked it to. I later learned that
Neel kept looking at me. Neel had casually confided
I had never seen him give in his friend about the
me that look. It was so making-out matter, and the
full of contempt, anger, friend had blown the
and everything I never matter out of proportion
associated Neel with. in front of everybody in
His car came and stood the garage. But the real
in front of us. He simply shocker was the guy who’d
went inside it and sped announced it was dating
Avni so there wasn’t any Honestly, I was used to
prize for guessing why the those glances, name-
guy actually came out with calling, and back bitching
it in public. but what disturbed me more
In the days that was that Neel was slipping
followed, Neel and I away from me. I could
became the butt of all sense it. We hadn’t said a
jokes. Every time we were single word to each other
seen together in school, since he left me by the
we could feel our lamp post. He started
classmates laughing in a avoiding me in school and
hush-hush manner. ‘Mr tuition.
Popular had become Mr There wasn’t anybody
Jocular’ was what they had waiting for me either at
on their lips. And of the bus stop in the
course ‘TIGIF couple’ was morning or near the school
our new name. gate at the end of the
day. When I initiated a of his own free will then
conversation—be it during why was he pushing me
the recess or in between towards an emotional
classes—all I got was cold abyss? As if all these
answers in monosyllables. months, his love for me
Why was he making me feel was a mere charity. And
like a culprit? I never suddenly he had run out of
forced him to love me. I his ‘mood for charity’.
never asked him to leave After trying for a few
his car and travel in a times, I let him go. It
cycle rickshaw with me to hurt my self-respect to go
school every morning. I and ask him every time
never insisted him to lie ‘what was wrong?’ as if he
to his parents about the was a customer care agent
fact we were actively for me and our
involved in a relationship was an out of
relationship. Then if he order phone or something.
did whatever he wanted out
There were times at night realized I was crying.
when I promised myself I ‘What happened
won’t crib over the fact Shonamoni?’
ever and the very next day ‘Is it my fault that I
in school, one sight of am not beautiful and
Neel, and my heart was sexy?’ Never before did I
squirming with pain. utter that s-word before
Finally Yo-didun Yo-didun.
understood there was ‘What’s sexy?’ she said
something seriously wrong rather innocuously.
with me. She enquired ‘Another word for being
about Neel. attractive.’
‘What to do, Yo-didun, ‘Who said you are not
when you have to suffer sexy?’
for no fault of yours?’ It ‘I know it Yo-didun, I’m
was only when Yo-didun
not. Just look at me!’ I
wiped my cheeks that I
got up and stood in front
of the mirror. That was of Neel and me. She kept
when I started sobbing looking at me expectantly.
uncontrollably. Yo-didun ‘Nothing Yo-didun. You
came to me and caressed my won’t get it.’ I went to
back to help me calm down. bed, stretched myself, and
‘Did Neel say you aren’t pretended to be asleep. I
beautiful?’ was sure Yo-didun must
‘No.’ have understood it was
‘Then?’ something I couldn’t
‘His behaviour did. I share, but thankfully she
didn’t make fun of him. It didn’t pester me about it.
was that guy.’ That night I missed having
‘Why did the guy do so?’ a sibling, a best friend,
a family, parents…Neel.
‘It was because…it was
because…’ I checked When I told him I loved
him, it wasn’t a joke. As
myself. I couldn’t tell
I slept with tears drying
her why the guy made fun
on my cheeks, I finally ‘Stop it from tomorrow.’
decided it was I who had ‘What?’
to do something about my ‘He should feel he has
love story. I didn’t know lost you. After then, if
what Neel thought about us he comes to claim you, be
at that point of time, but his. Else don’t. A palm
I would apologize. I can’t hold on to something
would, if that’s what he if the fingers decide not
wanted to hear from me. to curl up. If you need to
‘Are you still pursuing hold onto your
him?’asked Yo-didun. relationship, you both
I turned on my bed. It have to work for it.’
was dark so an eye contact Yo-didun had a point. An
was not possible but I instant ago, I was
knew she was looking at thinking of apologizing to
me. Neel even though I had
‘In a way.’ done nothing wrong, but
now I was pretty sure I existed. It was tough for
would do what Yo-didun me but as Yo-didun said,
said. There was a fear of the palm alone can’t hold
losing Neel for I didn’t onto something. The taunts
know if he at all would from the other classmates
care if I stopped pursuing continued but the
him. But then if he didn’t intensity died down. I was
care my taking a back-step sure if Neel and I came
then what was the point of together, it would regain
loving someone who didn’t its notoriety once again.
understand your feelings The point was: would Neel
for him? dare to accept me
From the next day irrespective of the stupid
onwards, I started TGIF tag, the taunts, the
avoiding Neel. I didn’t mocking? And by daring to
glance at him or even make do so, would he make our
him feel that I knew he love story a great one? It
was a test I knew whose
result I wanted to see class test and Neel had
alright but I was scared been given the
too. For if the results responsibility of
were negative, then I distributing the notebooks
didn’t know if I would in class. Though I didn’t
ever be able to fall in see him do it, I was sure
love with a guy again in he must have slipped in
this life with the same the piece of paper while
kind of passion and distributing the
piousness I felt for Neel. notebooks. The piece of
On the tenth day of my paper read: Want to talk.
avoidance of Neel, I got a Please be here in the
piece of paper in one my class after school. After
notebooks during the reading the note, I looked
English class. Our teacher at Neel for the first time
had taken our notebooks after ten days only to
for correction after a notice that he was already
looking at me. We ‘For behaving so weirdly
exchanged a smile. The with you after the garage
hiccups that my life was incident. It wasn’t your
suffering till then had fault.’
finally stopped. ‘So why exactly did you
I did stay back in the behave that way knowing
classroom after school. well that it wasn’t my
And so did Neel. He was fault?’
half-sitting on the ‘I don’t know. Perhaps…’
teacher’s desk while I was Neel lowered his head and
leaning back on the was softer when he
adjacent wall. He continued, ‘I took what
initiated the that idiot said that night
conversation. a bit too seriously.’
‘I’m sorry Titiksha. I ‘You mean you believe
really am.’ you deserve someone better
‘Sorry for what?’ than me?’
 He lifted his face and Neel was quiet. Since he
blurted out, ‘No! I didn’t was quiet, I had the right
say that. But…’ He again to decide the answer to my
went soft. ‘I did consider liking. And it was
it.’ obvious.
‘And so you didn’t talk ‘You can tell it to my
to me.’ face Neel that you don’t
Neel nodded his head love me. I won’t mind,’ I
subtly with a guilty said after I had
expression. mercilessly killed
‘Look at me Neel,’ I something within me.
said. ‘If I looked ‘I love you Titiksha and
anything like Avni, and that’s why I am talking to
you know what I mean, we you today. In all these
would have had a make-out days that I tried to
session already, isn’t ignore you, you invaded me
it?’ all the more. If that’s
not love then I don’t know senses. He spoke
what is.’ maintaining the tight hug.
I was happy to hear him. ‘But I don’t like the
After a long time, I was way people talk about you
happy. In fact I had and me.’
rarely encountered that ‘Do you mean the TGIF
kind of happiness before. tag?’
It gave me a feeling that ‘Yes. It affects me, and
if I didn’t do anything in I hate it. I feel like
life anymore, I would have smashing their faces. The
still lived it to its worse is it’s not only
core. about me. It’s about you
‘Thanks Neel.’ and me. And when something
He came to me and hugged happens to you, and I am
me tight. I could feel his not able to do anything
breath on my ears and about it, I feel weak.’
neck. It tickled my I smiled. There was
something emotionally doing so. It wasn’t a
arousing about the way he matter of moral courage.
was being protective about Had it been only about
me. I broke the hug and courage, I would have made
looked deep into his eyes. out with Neel. I wasn’t
I noticed he didn’t look ready for it; that’s all.
totally happy. And I knew I could sense Neel wanted
why. to make-out. Let’s say
The kind of background I Neel would have been
came from didn’t let me happier had I instigated
open myself up the way our making-out session or
Avni must have opened up was more frank about it
in front of Neel. I knew like Avni. I wasn’t. I
if we made-out, we could couldn’t be that frank
have connected all the just as yet, because there
more intensely, but I was so much emotional junk
couldn’t pull myself to within me that I had piled
on since childhood, that I
had to clean them up
before I took the step
Chapter 10
that I thought Neel and I
deserved to take. I needed
time for that.
WHO KILLED TITIKSHA?
Something struck me
seeing Neel’s upset face.
‘I have a solution.’ ‘I guess that’s enough for now,’
Neel says pressing the corner of
‘What?’ his eyes on either side of his nose.
‘Can’t we just lie to He needs rest but he can’t. He has
everyone that we did make- to find the guy Titiksha was dating
out?’ or, he presumes, has murdered
My suggestion made him Titiksha and left her pieces in their
look slightly happier than flat. With each passing minute, the
he was. presumption is turning into reality.
He’ll chop the guy into double the
number of pieces the moment he
gets to him. It’s a non-negotiable Macchiato, she can feel something’s
resolve. wrong with him. On other days
At the moment he is with Neel is rather still in public places.
Nivrita in a CCD outlet in Lake But today he is moving a lot.
Town, the only time he has Sometimes he touches his eyes,
managed to write the last three sometimes he looks around like a
chapters sitting in front of Nivrita. spy, or at times he cracks his
She had wanted to come to his fingers, or scratches the back of his
place and narrate another portion head.
of the story in the privacy he ‘You look a bit bothered and
always asks for, but for obvious disconnected. Any news of
reasons Neel requests her to meet Titiksha?’ Nivrita says wiping her
somewhere outside. mouth with a tissue.
‘That’s so unlike you,’ Nivrita Neel moves his hand away from
had remarked. his face. There’s a momentary
Sitting opposite Neel and uncomfortable eye connect with
sipping the last of her strong Nivrita after which he nods his
head. ‘In fact what?’ She urges him to
‘Did you report a missing case go on.
with the police?’ She takes out a ‘In fact,’ Neel reluctantly says, ‘I
small hand mirror and checks if her don’t think the police will ever be
makeup is in place. She then runs able to find her.’
her fingers through her hair. ‘Why is that?’ She folds her hand
Neel nods. and keeps them on the table
‘What are they saying?’ Nivrita looking straight at Neel.
puts the mirror back in her bag and ‘I didn’t give the inspector any
sits in a laidback manner. photograph of Titiksha. How will
‘Nothing. The inspector said he they identify her?’
would get in touch the moment he Nivrita laughs out. Neel doesn’t
gets something worthwhile. In like it.
fact…’ Neel stops. He isn’t sure he ‘Dude, are you mad? Don’t you
should say what he has in his mind want the police to get to Titiksha?’
to Nivrita or not. What will she ‘I don’t have any photograph of
think? hers.’
 ‘You don’t?’ She is serious now. all at once and keeps it on the table.
‘I do. But not at my parents’ He notices Nivrita place her palm
place. I had to check for on her cheek and look intently at
photographs at my place, but him.
totally forgot about it.’ With the ‘I think you have lost her.’
dead body thing, everything else How right she is, like always;
had totally slipped from his mind. Neel wonders. He has lost Titiksha
He makes a mental note to check forever now.
for her pictures the moment he ‘I know.’ Neel is cautious about
reaches his flat again. But what’s what he says. He can’t tell Nivrita
the point now? Even if he gives a or for that matter anyone the
photograph to Inspector Parimal heinous truth just as yet. Only
Biswas, how will he be able to when the guy who was dating
locate Titiksha for him? She is Titiksha secretly, confesses the
inside his refrigerator, resting in crime, Neel would be able to tell
pieces. Neel feels like throwing up. everyone how he panicked seeing
Neel gulps down a glass of water Titiksha’s clothes in front of his
rented flat and what he did down trying not to think too much
thereafter. God, Titiksha is no more. about it.
Neel feels like crying then and ‘What is it that you are hiding,
there but somehow holds back his Neel?’ Nivrita says gently caressing
tears. He doesn’t have enough time his hair.
to even rue over the fact that Neel slowly looks up at her. She
Titiksha is no more. He may have removes her hand.
slept with Nivrita, but he loves ‘You saw the guy that day, isn’t
Titiksha. He would have never left it?’ Neel says slowly, weighing
her for Nivrita. Never ever. Not down each word. Neel was waiting
even if she didn’t help him publish for an opportunity to put it in front
his book. But then Titiksha herself of Nivrita. The story narration is an
would have left him since she was excuse. Neel wants Nivrita’s help in
having an affair with someone else. tracing the other guy.
It’s such an emotional quandary—
‘Oh, don’t tell me you are still
to love and cry over a girl who you into was-the-guy-better-than-me
know would have left you soon.
and likewise nonsense.’
Neel holds his head and looks
 ‘Did you see the guy that day, down on the guy.
Nivrita?’ This time Neel is more ‘What if I shift with you now?’
assertive. If words were bombs, this was a
‘You know it was dark inside the nuclear blast.
washroom. I only saw silhouettes ‘Why?’ It’s the loudest Neel has
and probably a glance of his face, spoken today.
but I have no recollection of it. Why ‘Why not? Titiksha isn’t coming
do you have to know about the and my boy-mate has gone mad.
guy? You better concentrate on He keeps fighting with me. And we
finding Titiksha.’ both like each other, don’t we?’
‘Hmm,’ Neel grunts. Like each other? Is that a reason
Almost a minute goes by with no to live together under one roof?
words spoken. Then Nivrita Whatever happened to the good
abruptly leans forward and says in old society! And this girl is calling
an exited manner, ‘I have an idea.’ him mad?
Neel looks eager hoping Nivrita Neel needs to cite an excuse. In
will let him know of a way to zero the current scenario, he can’t even
have Nivrita in his house for a her.’
minute, forget living together in it. ‘Then make them meet me.
‘What will I tell my parents?’ They’ll like me. I know it. You
Neel tries to sound nervous. know it.’
‘The obvious,’ Nivrita says with It’s an advantage for Nivrita
her usual sharpness. ‘That you have now. Neel is losing this verbal-
found another girlfriend.’ coaxing-match and is quiet. He
‘They won’t like it. Please try to looks around with resignation—the
understand.’ Neel is already way one does when one has
pleading. Not a good sign when nothing left to tell the person one is
one is trying to negotiate. sitting with. Had he not wanted to
‘How did they accept your living be an author, he wouldn’t have
in with Titiksha?’ tolerated the shit this girl was
She seems more of an advocate ranting now.
than a commissioning editor of a ‘What are you thinking? Call
publishing house, Neel wonders. your parents and tell them you
‘They have met her. They liked want them to meet your new
girlfriend.’ coffee shop will now throw glances
‘Okay, let me find out where that says you-are-such-a-pig. He
Titiksha is first. After that I will talk opens his eyes slightly to see people
to my parents about you.’ Neel has around him indeed giving him that
thought of a stop-gap. sort of a glance. He stands up and
Nivrita glares at Neel. rushes outside to find Nivrita as
‘I get it.’ Nivrita gets up, grasps well as avoid being looked at.
her shades and wears them in a Once outside CCD, Neel sees her
flash. ‘You don’t like me. Right, walking ahead furiously.
Neel? You don’t want to accept me Something about the gait tells him
as your girlfriend. Fine. I take it that he will have to pacify her else
that you only want to fuck me for his debut novel could be in danger.
your own good.’ He scampers towards her, and
Neel shuts his eyes in shame catches up with her in sometime.
while Nivrita storms out. He knows ‘I’m sorry Nivrita. Don’t take me
she has said the last sentence aloud, otherwise. It’s just that I am upset.’
and other people present in the ‘And living with me will make
you more upset? Is that what you towards the taxi’s direction. Since
ran up to me for? Fuck you Neel.’ the road is clogged with vehicles,
How could he beat this woman he can still see the taxi behind a
at words? Neel is furious with bus. He soon realizes he is no
himself for not coming up with a Superman and gets into another
proper excuse. Standing by the taxi.
footpath he watches Nivrita get ‘We need to follow a taxi.’
into a taxi. ‘Twenty rupees more,’ the taxi
‘Don’t try to get in touch. Ever!’ driver says. It’s Kolkata—extra
she says. The taxi moves forward. labour, extra charge.
What’s that supposed to mean? Neel gets in. He can’t jeopardize
Oh, whom is he kidding? He knows his debut novel for twenty extra
exactly what’s that supposed to bucks. If he loses Nivrita’s taxi, he
mean. His debut novel has just will lose her because he still doesn’t
died. There’s renewed energy in know where exactly she stays.
Neel. He wants to chase down The taxi driver does a good job.
Nivrita and apologize. He sprints Almost half an hour later, Nivrita’s
taxi stops by an old looking puts it. It has a dehumanizing tone
apartment. Neel’s taxi also comes to to it. But it’s a fact. His bone of
a hault a few meters behind it. Neel getting published is in her hands.
pays up and comes out just when Or so she has convinced Neel.
Nivrita too is coming out from her Hence, he remains quiet.
taxi. ‘When I said we can live-in, I
‘Nivrita!’ Neel screams. She didn’t mean we have to shift to
stops by the gate of the high-rise your place. You can stay with me.’
and turns to look at him. As they enter the apartment
‘I’m sorry. Don’t do this.’ campus, he looks up and notices
‘Every dog has an affinity for a there’s an arch over the gate and on
particular bone that it will never let it is written:
go of. I knew you would come SHARADA HEIGHTS
running behind me because the one
particular bone you desperately
want is in my hands.’
Neel doesn’t like the way she Instead of the elevator, they take
the stairs on Nivrita’s insistence. door as they take the stairs. It’s on
Her flat is on the top floor—fifth— the third floor that Neel sees a flat’s
and yet they are taking the stairs. door which has a Ganesha Idol on
While climbing one floor after it. It looks old but it’s there and
another, Neel has the same kind of weirdly enough Neel was expecting
sensation he had when Nivrita, it to be there. ‘Neel,’ says Nivrita.
weeks ago, had taken him to the He is on the third floor while she is
deserted house where she played in-between the fourth and the fifth
the same music on a guitar similar floor.
to what Titiksha often played for ‘I may be reborn again. But I’ll
him. He feels like he has been in never change my love for you.’
this building before, like he has Saying so, she moves up to the fifth
climbed these steep stairs before. floor. Why did she say such a thing all
Suddenly he has a feeling there of a sudden? Neel wonders. It’s so
should be a flat which has a out of context. Also, it’s so not a
Ganesha Idol atop its main door. place to talk about life and re-birth.
Neel keeps an eye on every flat’s Neel hears someone unlocking a
door on the fifth floor. He starts love any one person in present life,
ascending the stairs once again. never mind life after it.
This time with a laboured gait. As Neel reaches the small space
Every time Neel tries to uncover a between the stairs connecting the
thing, he feels something pushing two floors, he notices Nivrita busy
him to shift focus. A day before he unlocking the door of her flat.
thought he would unearth why his ‘But in every birth my love for
college changed its location, and he you will be predatory,’ Nivrita says
stumbled on Titiksha’s murder. and unlocks the door. Predatory love,
Now a minute back he was desirous Neel wonders, that’s more like
to know how and why did he Nivrita.
expect the Ganesh Idol to be ‘Welcome home,’ she smiles as if
present atop one of the doors, she has been waiting for this
Nivrita tells him something moment since a long time. Next she
mysterious about her love for him. disappears inside her flat. Neel
Her love for him? Love? Nivrita climbs the rest of the stairs and
loves him? He isn’t convinced. comes in as well.
Nivrita never looked like she can
 He didn’t expect the flat to be as fingertips. Seems like she hasn’t
dark as it is. There are thick brown read them in some time now.
curtains covering the open Strange, Neel wonders, and keeps
windows. A 42-inch LED Sony searching for books by Word Tree
Bravia beside the window and publishing, the company where
myriad books. Neel can’t guess Nivrita works. There’s none.
what those books are about since he ‘Don’t you keep any books from
doesn’t go near the bookshelf. Their your own publishing house?’ Neel
spine looks old and somewhat says still trying to find Word Tree
distorted, almost as if they have books.
been read again and again. A ‘The latest ones are by the
commissioning editor for a television. And the rest are in
publishing house, obviously, has to office.’
be a voracious reader. Neel goes Neel turns to notice that by the
closer to the bookshelf and caresses television stand are kept two piles
the books. There’s dust on the of books. He goes and picks one up.
spine. Some of it sticks to his It’s by an author named Maninder
Jadeja and the book is called Let’s ‘Am I?’
Play Bf-Gf. He notices the other ‘Of course. What will do in your
books; each one has a funny name. flat alone?’
‘My baby, my life’. He thinks of Titiksha’s pieces
‘She crushed my heart’. lying in the refrigerator and shrugs.
‘I’m sad, he screwed my love’. He feels happy to have followed
Neel doesn’t even know when Nivrita to her place. Going to his
his lips have stretched into a smile. parents’ place to stay the night
Soon, Word Tree would publish his would have piqued their interest.
book as well. ‘Yeah, sure. I’ll stay over. But
Ex by Neel Chatterjee. For a won’t your boyfriend have a
moment he forgets where he is and problem if he finds out?’
why. ‘Boy-mate Neel.’ Nivrita appears
‘Why don’t you change, Neel? in the hall room with a Budweiser
You are spending the night here beer can.
anyway,’ Nivrita speaks up from ‘Sorry, boy-mate.’
the kitchen. ‘I told you he is acting mad these
days. He hasn’t been here since a Nivrita points with one hand.
week or so.’ Neel goes inside the bedroom.
‘Okay. But I don’t have a spare As he is about to enter the room, he
set of clothes.’ notices another room adjacent to it.
‘You’ll find a few knickers on the The door is slightly ajar. A quick
hook behind the bedroom door.’ peep tells him that there’s a table
Neel expects her to say more on which there’s a laptop and a
since knickers will only take care lamp. Probably where Nivrita reads
half of his physical privacy. manuscripts and works, he thinks
‘What? You really want to wear to himself.
anything else in this hot and sticky On the hook behind the door,
weather?’ Nivrita had said. Neel locks the
As if Neel has a say when door and checks the wall behind it.
Nivrita has decided something one There’s a wooden plate which has
his behalf. four hooks pinned on it. The first
‘I guess not.’ hook has a tee hanging on it. The
second has two knickers. The third
‘The bedroom is that way.’
has a trouser along with a kurta.
And the fourth has…Neel can’t
believe his eyes. From the fourth
hook hangs a police uniform. On it
is a name badge on which is FROM NEEL’S
written: Parimal Biswas.
‘After you freshen up a bit, we MANUSCRIPT
can continue with the story. What
say Neel?’ he hears Nivrita say.
For a moment Neel feels he has
no voice.

15
Neel didn’t want to spread
rumours about our intimacy
but then he also didn’t
want us to be tagged as a
TGIF couple. Neel agreed rumour. We only wanted to
to my suggestion, even if give our relationship some
it was reluctantly so. We oxygen by shutting up our
decided to lie to our classmates.
classmates that we had in Neel went ahead and
fact made-out. Some of his confessed to Avni’s
friends knew that he was boyfriend that we had
supposed to meet me in the made-out in the classroom
classroom after school. So itself. It was two days
Neel decided to tell his later that I saw the first
friends that we made-out ramification of the
in the classroom itself. I rumour. In the girls’
was okay with it for at toilet, just after the
least we could be together assembly, I saw it written
in school without being on the wall in a very
mocked at. Maybe we were noticeable manner:
both too naive to gauge ‘Titiksha of XI science
the ill-effects of the
has a fucked cunt!’ The toilet it was my name
statement was accompanied scribbled along with the
by a vulgar sketch. I vulgar sketch and not his.
immediately tried to As if it was only I who
scratch it out. I wondered had supposedly made-out.
if the same was written When I asked Neel if he
about Neel in the boys’ had scratched it off, he
toilet. I went to the said no. I told him he
class and told Neel about should have.
it. He said he hadn’t seen ‘But what’s the problem?
anything as such in the Let it be. Just because
boys’ toilet but promised someone says something
to check. During recess he doesn’t mean it’s true.’
said the same thing was He had a point alright but
written on one of the I would have liked it if
walls of the boys’ toilet he had scratched that
as well. What surprised me disgusting thing off the
was even in the boys’
wall. He understood my couldn’t rub it off. The
predicament and said, wall was full of them. I
‘Alright I will strike off went to one of the maids
your name. Fine?’ working in the school,
I gave him a flying brought her in, and
kiss. requested her to wash off
After school when I went the graffiti if possible.
to the girls’ toilet, I She agreed but asked what
got the shock of my life. it was that was written on
The same statement now was the wall. I made something
all over the wall. up.
Somebody had replicated While I was waiting
the initial statement and impatiently for Neel near
sketched a hundred times the school gate, after
over. It seemed like a school, trying to frame in
slap right across my face. my mind how exactly I
Even if I tried to, I should share the toilet
issue and ask him if we very stupidly caught hold
should report it to our of Avni’s shirt collar and
class teacher or not, I asked why she was doing
saw Neel waving at me. I it. She was obviously
waved back. As he came taken aback and so was
towards me, Avni stopped Neel. He started yelling
him. They were talking and at me, saying that I was
I noticed Neel smiling hurting her but I didn’t
about something and then leave her until Neel
Avni hit him on his forcefully took off my
shoulder lovingly. hand from her collar. She
Lovingly! Here I was going feigned innocence. It
to tell Neel that maybe irked me the way she was
Avni was behind the vulgar playing the sympathy game
graffiti and there he was, with him, as if I was the
smiling alongside her. I bitch breaking her life
marched towards them and apart.
 ‘You should learn to wrong image of me to Neel.
behave Titiksha!’ Neel I was sick and tired of
shouted. I stopped. I acting abruptly like a
looked around to realize possessed soul. The way
most of the students were Neel raised his voice
gaping at me as if I was against me felt worse than
some crazy soul. I the graffiti on the wall.
regained my composure and I wanted to apologize to
simply walked off from both Neel and Avni. The
there. whole incident exposed a
At night when I had side of me which I had
cooled down a little, I only seen in Avni till
felt ashamed at my then. When Neel and I had
reaction. Whatever it was, just met, I couldn’t grasp
I shouldn’t have gotten why exactly Avni was
physical with Avni. It feeling jealous of me, and
must have given a very now seeing the two
together in school today,
I felt the same. Was I myself. I was being
being possessive of Neel possessive and aggressive
just like I had accused in school because I was
Avni of being the same still not sure about him.
once? Had I started to I mean I was sure about
treat him as my property him but I wasn’t sure if
like Avni was doing when I he was sure about me.
stepped in? My worst fear Hence my insecurity kept
at this point of time was me on my toes all the time
what if Neel turned and pushed me to stupidly
towards Avni because I was grab Avni’s shirt’s collar
acting the way she was that day.
acting before? Love did ‘You can’t hold onto
the same thing to me as it anything; especially that
did to her. Does it do the which is not yours. And
same thing to everyone? I what really is yours, will
tried to be honest with remain yours irrespective
of the fact you hold onto someone else.
it or not.’ Next day I was ready
I turned on my bed to with my egoistic guard
see Yo-didun reading aloud down. I didn’t see Neel
from a book. I didn’t though. Avni was there but
share the incident with I wanted to apologize to
her but maybe she had Neel first. The assembly
guessed it from my grim happened on time after
look what could be the which I reached the
issue. We shared a smile classroom. Everyone was
and I turned my back to laughing at me. I turned
her. I would apologize to to look at the blackboard
Neel, and if he says, to where it was written:
Avni too. I couldn’t ‘Titiksha has a fucked
afford to become another cunt!’ Alongside it was
Avni and instigate Neel to the same vulgar sketch
get inclined towards which I had seen last day
in the girls’ toilet. Even what’s all this nonsense?
before I could react, our ‘I don’t know teacher.
class teacher was in the Someone is spreading
room. Everyone quietened. rumours about me.’
The next thing the class ‘Who?’
teacher noticed was the ‘Neel!’ Someone spoke up
blackboard. from behind. We turned
It was then that Neel around but didn’t know who
came in. He was late that it was. ‘Who was that?
day. Come on stand up.’ Nisha
did; the same bitch who
had once informed Avni
about the shirt-swapping
It didn’t take much time incident on my first day
for Neel to understand in school. I don’t know
what was going on. The what her problem was.
class teacher shot the
‘What did you just say
obvious to me, ‘Titiksha,
Nisha?’ he spoke the truth, the
‘Neel told everyone rumour would remain a
about this.’ rumour, alright, but the
Neel shot a furious question would then be who
glance at Nisha, then a spread it. Obviously it
furtive glance towards me, would easily be proven it
and in the end he faced was him who confessed to
the teacher who was Avni’s boyfriend. And if
standing with a give-me- Neel agreed to the
the-truth look on her statement on the
face. blackboard being a reality
‘Neel, did you spread —that I indeed had a
this vulgar rumour about fucked cunt—it would put
Titiksha?’ both Neel and me under
Neel stood still. I knew strict disciplinary
what he was going through. action. Before he could
He was in a quandary. If say anything, I spoke up.
 ‘Teacher, I think Avni ‘It seems like someone
has done it.’ by the name of Titiksha
‘Avni?’ has lost her virginity
‘Avni Jain, XI teacher,’ Avni said in her
Commerce.’ typical I-am-a-smart-ass
‘Why would she do all manner. Most of the class
this? Call her.’ burst out laughing. Only
I stood my ground while Neel and I didn’t.
the monitor of our class ‘Shut up!’ the teacher
went out to fetch Avni said to the class and
from her class. A few confronted Avni.
seconds later, Avni ‘Titiksha claims you
entered our classroom. have written this.’
‘What’s all this?’ the Avni shot a surprised
class teacher asked her look at me and said, ‘Why
gesturing towards the would I do that Titiksha?
blackboard. How would I know this fact
anyway?’ course she was on her
There was further hush- queen-bitch’s side.
hush laughter. ‘Do you students come to
‘Don’t give me that school to study or waste
shit,’ I started but was time on all this? All
cut short by my class these nonsensical Hindi
teacher. movies are eating your
‘What kind of language head out it seems.’
is that?’ I glanced back at the
‘I’m sorry teacher, but class. Almost the entire
Avni is jealous of Neel class had a we-accept-the-
and me.’ I was speaking truth expression hanging
the truth. on their faces. The
‘Jealous?’ teacher sat down on her
‘Neel and Titiksha are chair, opened her bottle
having an affair,’ Nisha of water, and drank some
butted in from behind. Of of it. Nobody talked in
between. I thought it was walked out. I didn’t look
the right time to squeeze at Avni but I looked at
in my request. Neel who was looking at
‘May I please rub the Avni. I didn’t know why he
blackboard now teacher?’ wasn’t looking at me. He
The teacher looked at seemed scared of
Avni, at Neel, and then at something. Even I was. But
me. one glance from him would
‘No!’ have given me strength.
My heart skipped a beat. Didn’t he know that?
She stood up. ‘Neel…’
‘Monitor, rub the board He didn’t listen and
first and look after the followed the teacher
class.’ She said and urgently. It was only when
glanced at Neel and me. he was gone that I
She said conclusively, realized I was trembling
‘You three follow me’ and with fear for I knew where
exactly our class teacher Principal’s room. I stood
must have gone. Avni came outside gaping at the name
to me and whispered, plate: Dr Geetika Kumari
‘Whore, I told not to Iyer. My heartbeats slowly
screw my boyfriend the ascended. I was too numb
first day you were here. to think anything
Now you will rot in hell!’ worthwhile. Avni came out
She walked out too. As I and told me that the
stood there unable to move Principal was waiting for
fearing the worst, the me to join the rest of
class started booing, them inside. I followed
displaying their middle her inside.
fingers at me. I left Dr Iyer looked like she
hastily and stopped was in a bad mood.
outside the Principal’s ‘I thought you were a
office. The class teacher, good girl Titiksha. What
Neel, and Avni were happened to you?’ Dr Iyer
already inside the
spoke to me directly. I ‘It’s not a joke ma’am.
didn’t know my gait from Neel told me about it.’
the classroom to the It was a rumour alright
principal’s office was so but Neel was not supposed
slow that everything had to tell Avni about it.
been relayed to her by Never! He was supposed to
then. tell her boyfriend only.
‘It’s not true ma’am,’ I But why was I believing
barely managed to speak in Avni’s statement? She
my defense, pronouncing could very well be lying
every word with caution. to create
‘Then what’s the truth; misunderstandings between
tell me,’ she said us.
removing her glasses. She ‘Neel didn’t do anything
looked menacing without like that,’ I said.
them. ‘I’m all ears.’ ‘Titiksha please don’t
‘It’s a joke.’ talk out of turn,’ Dr Iyer
said to me and to Neel she who is also your
said, ‘Did you tell Avni classmate?’
what was written on the Neel was still quiet.
blackboard?’ ‘Answer me Neel or else
Neel remained quiet. He I will have to call your
should have said no parents.’
straightaway. But he ‘Ma’am please don’t
didn’t. Then I realized report this to my
that maybe he did tell parents,’ Neel pleaded.
this to Avni. Maybe, I ‘Then answer me with
realized to my horror, honesty.’
Avni was right. ‘Titiksha asked me to.’
‘Your silence tells me I couldn’t believe he
you did say this.’ Dr Iyer had taken my name. And did
continued, ‘Why? Why did he say I ‘asked’ him to?
you initiate such a nasty
‘What nonsense are you
rumour about a decent girl
saying Neel! I had only
suggested it to you to Titiksha. Avni. you may
make you happy. The final leave.’ She had given the
decision was yours,’ I bitch a clean-chit.
screamed. I saw Neel almost
Dr Iyer looked shocked pleading to Dr Iyer to
beyond belief. take back her decision of
‘Titiksha, you suggested summoning his parents but
him to write such a nasty she didn’t. And I didn’t
thing about yourself?’ know how on earth was I
This time I was quiet. going to tell Ashok mama
‘Alright I want to meet and Bijoya mami about why
both your parents tomorrow they were being summoned
first thing in the to school?
morning,’ Dr Iyer
declared.
‘Ma’am…’
‘Bring your guardians
 that he has any issue with Parimal,
Chapter 11 but somehow from the time Neel
saw the uniform, he hasn’t been
able to take his mind off it. It would
have been better if he had talked
WILL NEEL GET TO THE about it before Nivrita started
OTHER GUY TITIKSHA WAS narrating the story, but he decides
DATING? against it and keeps his query for
when they take a break.
Nivrita is in the kitchen
W hat is Inspector Parimal
Biswas’s uniform doing in preparing Spanish omelette for
both. Neel stands by the kitchen
Nivrita’s bedroom?
This is what Neel wanted to ask door and asks, ‘What’s your boy-
the moment he came out of the mate’s name?’
bedroom wearing one of the ‘Huh?’ Nivrita turns to look at
knickers which could have also him in a flash and then carries on
belonged to Parimal Biswas. Not making the omelette.
 ‘The name of your boy-mate?’ on the two sitter sofa, legs curled
‘Parimal. Why?’ up, and switches on the television.
‘I saw his uniform behind the She surfs the channels when Neel
door.’ suddenly asks her to stop at one
‘Oh okay.’ Nivrita transfers the particular channel where a Bengali
omelettes from the pan onto two television serial is being shown.
separate plates. She picks two forks ‘Hey, that’s Arindam, my
from a nearby stand and brings the colleague,’ exclaims Neel.
two plates to Neel. He takes one ‘The one you met while we were
plate, one fork, and together they coming from the airport?’
head to the hall. ‘Yes. What is he doing?’
‘I have met him.’ ‘Well, now you know why he
‘You have? Where?’ left his job. He is an actor.’
‘He came to my place. Dad had ‘I never knew he liked acting.’
called him to investigate Titiksha’s ‘We don’t know a lot of things
missing case.’ about others.’ Nivrita changes the
‘What a coincidence!’ Nivrita sits channel and puts on Discovery TLC
(Travel and Living channel). ‘I have met Titiksha once,
‘You like this channel?’ Neel says remember, at your place.’
making himself feel comfortable; They discussed their favourite
on the corner of the three-sitter television channels on the first
couch where Nivrita had been meet? Weird.
narrating the story to him earlier. There is silence as Neel observes
‘I always have.’ Nivrita has her Nivrita digging into her omelette in
eyes fixed on the television. total bliss. He came to her flat
‘Even Titiksha liked it.’ believing they would have a good
‘Liked?’ She shoots a glance at sex session, but not for once did she
him. give him a signal that she was
‘Likes,’ Neel corrects himself interested in him sexually whereas
even though the correction is the Nivrita he met in Jaipur seemed
incorrect. Titiksha is now past carnally possessed. Maybe Parimal
tense. has been keeping her satisfied.
‘Hmm, I know.’ ‘When will Parimal be back?’
‘You know?’ ‘No idea. He never tells me. I
never ask either. He has the key.’ may at best lure one into a
‘Don’t you ever feel bad that he relationship but it’s love that
is cheating on you?’ decides whether the relationship
Nivrita gives him a look as if she shall sustain or not.
doesn’t know what he is talking ‘Don’t you have a heart?’ Neel
about. can’t believe he said it aloud.
‘You told me once that you Nivrita looks at him sharply and
thought he was having an affair, says, ‘Someone burnt my heart long
right?’ back. Now I only have hormones.
‘Maybe he does have a dozen And whenever they flare up, I call
affairs; how does it matter to me? up my boy-mate.’
Initially I was a bit pissed but then I I call up my boy-mate. I call up…
thought he isn’t my property. All I Neel springs on his feet.
care is he is here when I’m horny.’ Finally he has got a way to get
Neel feels disgusted by the way hold of the other guy Titiksha was
she puts it. How can sex be dating, and who he suspects must
everything in a relationship? Sex have murdered her.
 ‘I need to go.’ ‘Was? How can you be sure she
‘Where?’ Nivrita puts her legs isn’t dating him anymore?’
down. ‘I’ll explain later.’
‘I’ll be back soon.’ Neel sprints ‘You better be back soon.’
towards the door, opens it, and ‘I will.’
runs out. Neel grabs his jeans, goes inside,
It’s only while calling for a taxi and comes back within seconds
that Neel realizes he is in knickers wearing it. He takes the elevator
and doesn’t have his wallet either. and disappears from sight.
More importantly, even his flat Once there, Neel unlocks the flat
keys are in his jeans’ pocket. He in an uber-excited manner and
goes up this time in the elevator. As saunters into his bedroom. On the
the door opens he sees Nivrita table where he usually sits and
standing there with his jeans. writes, he finds the thing for which
‘What happened?’ he has come rushing up all the way
‘I think I know how to get to the —Titiksha’s mobile phone. He had
other guy Titiksha was dating.’ found it in the washroom in a
dismantled condition. It takes a No answer. Then again. This time
minute for Neel to put the battery, someone cuts the line. Neel is sure
sim card, and finally he switches on someone has noticed his call. He
the phone. Neel’s heart is galloping tries again. The call is taken.
like a racing horse. He puts on the ‘Hello?’ Neel says with an
date and time and then after the anxious voice. Nobody talks back.
phone has loaded properly, he ‘Hello?’ Neel can hear someone
checks the contacts. There are a breathe.
total of only one contact.: ‘I know you’re there. So why
‘Chocopie’. Neel checks the aren’t you talking?’
number. It’s not his. Who else will A hiatus later Neel adds, ‘I also
Titiksha call Chocopie? He tries to know what you did to Titiksha. But
dial ‘Chocopie’ but notices there’s I will get you for this. You get it?’
no network. The line is cut. Neel looks at the
Neel dials Chocopie’s number phone. And dials again. This time a
from his own mobile phone. It rings mechanical voice says that the
but nobody picks up. He calls again. phone is switched off.
 ‘Motherfucker.’ He has the other but in a different form. Neel
guy’s number now but still doesn’t suddenly feels fear chaining him
know who the guy is. Should he down. He thinks Titiksha will call
call the mobile company customer out to him from the refrigerator. He
care service and request for the closes his eyes hoping to get out of
name of the owner of the number? this situation as soon as possible.
Neel decides to try. He shouldn’t be hiding Titiksha’s
‘Can you please tell me which body parts like that. It’s not good.
network this number belongs to?’ He should inform someone soon.
‘No sir. I don’t have the liberty With steps made heavy with fear
of telling you that. Can I help you Neel goes to the kitchen. It’s dark.
with anything else?’ He switches on the light. Then he
Yes, go fuck yourself Neel thinks, approaches the refrigerator and
but says, ‘No, thanks.’ with trembling hands slowly opens
It’s then that Neel realizes that its door. The packet is still there.
he is in his flat. The same rented Neel sits down on the floor.
flat where Titiksha too is present ‘I’m sorry Titiksha. I’m so damn
sorry.’ He sobs for some time. He ‘What are you saying?’ Nivrita is
then rubs his eyes and gets out of shell-shocked.
the flat. It takes two minutes for Neel to
An hour later, Neel is back at relay whatever happened from the
Nivrita’s place. Looking at his time he saw the blood smeared
swollen eyes she can tell something clothes in front of his rented flat till
is terribly wrong. he found the flesh pieces in his
‘What is it that you are hiding, washing machine.
Neel?’ she asks as they settle down ‘Someone killed Titiksha,
on the couch. This is the second chopped her into pieces, and left
time in the day that she has asked her remains in the washing
him this. machine,’ Neel is surprised by h ow
‘I didn’t do it.’ easily it all is coming to him unlike
‘What?’ what he had thought.
‘I didn’t kill Titiksha.’ Neel says, ‘Calm down.’ Nivrita goes close
his entire body shuddering. He can to him and takes him in her
hide it no more. embrace. Neel holds onto the
embrace and continues to cry. looks at his teary eyes.
‘I loved her. I loved Titiksha. I ‘You know his name?’
wanted to marry her. Now I won’t ‘That’s the problem. I called but
ever be able to get her.’ he didn’t talk and then switched off
Listening to Neel ranting about the phone.’
his love for Titiksha, Nivrita doesn’t ‘Give me the number,’ Nivrita
budge. As if she has developed says and takes her phone in her
emotional insulation and that no hand and gives Neel his phone
amount of emotions can touch her. from beside the couch.
Her hand mechanically moves on As Neel calls out the number,
Neel’s back trying to calm him Nivrita punches the digits in True
down. Caller, an Android app which
‘What did you go to your flat displays the person’s name on
for?’ she asks. which a specific phone number is
‘I have the number of the guy registered.
she was dating.’ Once done, Nivrita touches the
Nivrita breaks the embrace and ‘search’ button on her phone and
waits. Neel too waits with a blank
face. A couple of seconds later
Nivrita looks up at him with a
bewildered look.
‘What happened? Got any FROM NEEL’S
name?’
‘Yes.’ MANUSCRIPT
‘What?’
‘Parimal Biswas.’

16
I didn’t talk to Neel the
day we were summoned to
the principal’s office. In
fact, he too didn’t make
any attempt to talk to me. I couldn’t tell them in
We maintained a distance the evening after
surprisingly with the same returning from school. I
ease with which we used to wanted to but whenever I
be together on other days. passed by them, I felt so
It made me wonder what choked with fear and
this relationship was. At anxiety that nothing came
times it seemed as out of me. And the more it
unbeatable as time, and at stayed within me, the more
other times, as it throttled me. During
manipulative as fate. It dinner, not a single bolus
anyways was not the numero of food went down my
uno fear on my list that throat, but still I
day. The primary fear was pretended as if all was
how Ashok mama and Bijoya fine.
mami would react when I When Yo-didun enquired
tell them about the why was I holding onto a
principal’s summon.
fake face all evening, I I thought I would first
broke down. I finally tell my mother about the
confessed to her what the matter but it was Yo-didun
problem was. I couldn’t who prepared me to relay
look her in the eyes after it to mama since I was
my confession. She only staying with him.
asked me if it was the Moreover, I didn’t want to
truth: if I had actually bother my mother. Later
made-out with Neel? I that night, when mama and
rightfully denied it. She mami were about to retire
was quiet for some time to bed after dinner Yo-
and then asked me to be didun took me to their
brave. It made me sob room.
further for I thought she ‘Titiksha wants to tell
meant I won’t get any you something,’ Yo-didun
support from anyone. She said. She took a step back
was right. and pushed me a little
forward as mama switched down from the bed. Her
on the tubelight. tone told me she was all
‘Yes, what is it?’ he ready and charged up to
said. make a hue and cry over
I turned to look at Yo- it. But mama cut her
didun. She gave me an short.
assuring look. I looked at ‘One minute,’ he told
mama and said, ‘Dr Iyer her. ‘What is it about?’
wants to meet you he asked me.
tomorrow.’ ‘Someone has spread a
‘Who is Dr Iyer?’ rumour about me and she
‘She is the principal of needs to talk to you about
my school.’ it.’
There was a momentary ‘What rumour?’ Bijoya
silence. mami was sharp.
‘I knew such a day will ‘That I have an affair
come!’ Bijoya mami climbed with a boy.’ I couldn’t
tell him the actual the room.
rumour. ‘Don’t beat her. It’s
‘Oh God! All our just a rumour,’ Yodidun
prestige will go to the protested but mama asked
gutters now.’ Bijoya mami her to go to her room.
shouted. Mama looked at me ‘There’s no smoke
with contempt for some without fire,’ Bijoya mami
time, and then slapped me chipped in.
hard across the face. I Yo-didun took me along
stood still. I had with her before mama could
expected this. hit me again. I called up
‘Is this why your Neel but he didn’t pick up
parents have left you with the call. I desperately
me? To bring shame to me wanted to talk to him.
and my family?’ Though I told my mama
By then my two cousin and mami it was a rumour,
brothers had also come to he didn’t care about it.
He would have probably didn’t pick up the call.
killed me if it was the At his place his parents
truth instead of a rumour. must have blamed me, the
According to them a mere girl, for dragging him,
rumour, a baseless the boy, and his family in
accusation would bring the rumour-ruckus. His mom
shame to their household. didn’t like me anyway. I
Not for a single second was sure she would hate me
did they behave as if they even more now. How this
would protect me in case would affect Neel and my
it’s proved that I was love story, I didn’t know.
right about it being a I prayed hard at least he
rumour. I was screwed both would understand me. I
ways. I was sure that had know Neel feared his
it been his son, he would parents a lot, but then I
have said the other girl also knew he loved me a
was at fault. At that lot. Spreading the rumour
point I realized why Neel
was suggested by me, I
agree, but only to get rid Chapter 12
of the TIGF tag and the
relentless mockery,
bordering on harassment,
we both were subjected to IS TITIKSHA’S BOYFRIEND
in school. AND NIVRITA’S BOY-MATE
I kept thinking every THE SAME?
possible shit that could
happen to me. I didn’t
know when I slept. The ‘H e is not picking up my call,’
Nivrita says aghast after
morning arrived. I spoke dialling Parimal’s number for quite
absolutely nothing while a number of times.
going through my routine ‘Is this the same Parimal Biswas?
chores before going to Your boy-mate?’ Neel asked with a
school. Then I went to voice half dry with astonishment
school with mama. and half wet with curiosity.
 ‘It has to be. The name can’t be a before?’
coincidence. The son-of-a-bitch was Does he? Neel thinks hard. No!
fucking me at night and dating He has seen Parimal only once. At
Titiksha during the day.’ Even his place when his father had called
Nivrita looks shaken with the him to investigate Titiksha’s
development. missing case. In that case, even his
‘But why Titiksha? And you?’ parents didn’t know him. But if
Neel is tense. Parimal Biswas is Titiksha’s
‘What’s common between boyfriend and Nivrita’s boy-mate,
Titiksha and me?’ Nivrita looks at does it mean even Nivrita’s life is in
him for an answer. danger now. Neel’s heart skips a
Neel thinks for a moment. beat.
‘I am.’ ‘But how do you know its
‘But why you?’ Parimal who murdered Titiksha?’
‘Yeah, why me?’ Neel almost Nivrita says.
echoes Nivrita. ‘C’mon. There can’t be anyone
‘Do you know Parimal from else. She never mixed with many
people. His number in Titiksha’s retorts.
phone can’t be a coincidence. I’m A haunting silence follows.
sure he knew me the day we met at Neither of them is comfortable in it.
my parents’ place. I could sense ‘You should have reported it to
that he did. His body language was the police then and there,’ Nivrita
such that it seemed as if he knew says sounding pensive. ‘Now you
me from somewhere. I’m sure he don’t have an alibi Neel. The police
asked Titiksha about me. The only will think you are cooking up a
thing I need to know now is why story.’
did he do it? Why did Parimal have ‘That’s what Parimal’s intention
to kill Titiksha?’ is. Unless we get him to confess.’
‘Maybe because she realized her ‘Right. Let’s get him.’
mistake and didn’t want to marry ‘Not we, I’ll get him. You wait
him after all?’ Nivrita says. here and don’t open the door till
‘Enough of maybe’s. There are I’m here. Not even if Parimal
hundreds of them. I want to know comes. I don’t trust that bastard.’
why exactly he did this,’ Neel ‘I think I should let him in if he
comes here. Let him not get the doesn’t let Nivrita ask any further
impression that I know what he has questions.
been up to. That way I can keep
him busy and maybe I’ll be able to
churn out significant information
from him. Of course I’ll call you.’ It does not take much time for Neel
It sounds better than his plan. to reach his parents’ place.
‘Okay. But be careful. I don’t ‘How did you locate inspector
want to lose you, Nivrita.’ There’s Parimal Biswas?’ Neel asks his
an innocuous genuineness in his father. They are in the hall.
voice that hits Nivrita hard. Even ‘Why? I called Chitpur Thana.’
Neel is surprised. Does he really ‘Did Parimal himself pick up the
care about Nivrita so much? phone?’
‘I will take care. And you too. ‘No someone else did. The
But how will you get to him?’ person said he would send an
‘Leave that to me.’ inspector to our place and inspector
The determination in Neel Biswas turned up. Why are you
asking all this?’ His father has Neel’s father looks at his son.
sniffed some problem. With a sense of reluctance, Neel’s
Neel doesn’t want to involve his father calls someone from his
parents yet. mobile phone.
‘I want to talk to him. I have ‘Are you dialling his mobile
Titiksha’s photograph.’ It’s only a phone?’
ploy. ‘No, let me first dial Chitpur
Neel’s father gives him a weird Thana.’
gaze. ‘Okay.’ Neel waits to hear his
‘What?’ Neel shrugs looking at father talk on phone.
his father’s expression. ‘I told you I ‘Hello. I’m Atul Chatterjee. May
have Titiksha’s photographs with I please talk to inspector Parimal
me.’ He now realizes why Parimal Biswas?’ Neel’s father says.
never called him again for the ‘I see. When will he be back?
photograph. He never needed one. Alright, I will call then.’ He keeps
‘Dad, please call Parimal and tell the receiver down.
him you want to meet him.’ He looks at Neel and says,
‘Parimal Biswas is on a holiday. taken care of, but he never could
They don’t know when he will join share any of his problems with
back.’ them. He didn’t know why. They
Neel holds his head and thinks always seemed welcoming in an
hard. There has to be some way to unwelcoming manner. And add to
reach Parimal Biswas without him it their possessiveness. Whatever he
knowing anything about it. did, he had to tell them in advance
Neel feels his father’s warm until Titiksha and he started
grasp on his hands. livingin together.
‘Is there any problem, ‘The problem, as you know, is
Babushona? You can tell me.’ Titiksha is missing.’ Neel couldn’t
He feels good that his father has tell his father the truth. And before
shown concern towards his his father can react, he says, ‘Where
problem after a long time. All these his mom?’
years he always felt distanced from ‘She is hosting a small party with
his parents. They used to be caring, her group of friends.’
and also saw to it all his needs were Nothing new for Neel’s mother.
Preferring parties to her family has ‘Great! Where are you meeting
always been her hallmark. Neel him?’
gets a call. He withdraws his hand ‘I’m not meeting him, you are.
from his father’s grasp and takes There’s a restaurant called Renuka
out his mobile phone from his opposite Nagerbazar petrol pump.
pocket. It’s Nivrita. Do you know the place?’
‘Excuse me dad.’ ‘I don’t but I will look it up.’
Neel gets up and goes a little ‘Good. Keep me updated. And
away from his father. Neel…’ A hiatus later she says, ‘Be
‘Yes Nivrita.’ safe. I don’t trust that scoundrel
‘I had a talk with Parimal.’ anymore.’
Nivrita sounds excited. ‘Thanks. When will he be there?’
‘He picked up your call?’ Neel is ‘An hour from now.’
cautious. Neel takes his leave from his
‘No, I messaged him that I father. He lies to him, telling him
wanted to meet him. His message he is going to his flat but he in fact
just came in. He has agreed.’ is on his way to the Nagerbazar
petrol pump. Neel doesn’t have to in a corner seat which has a good
ask anyone to get to the meeting view of the entrance of the
spot. He climbs down the taxi and restaurant.
panning his sight locates the The boy who was ogling at him
restaurant; Renuka. It is right seconds ago comes and puts a glass
opposite the petrol pump by the in front of him, pouring water in it
series of shops on the lane. Neel from a jar. He puts a laminated
crosses the busy road and enters computer print-out, with soft
Renuka. edges, on the table. It’s the menu.
It’s an almost empty B-grade ‘The rates are old. Just add five
restaurant. The ceiling is low. At rupees to everything. That’s the
one end is a middle-aged couple new rate,’ the boy says and waits
having noodles. They are the only for the order again ogling at him.
customers. One of the boys in the Though he hasn’t had a good lunch,
restaurant is ogling at Neel as if he Neel still isn’t hungry. From the
has no clue why he is here. time he has seen the flesh pieces in
Neel makes himself comfortable his washing machine he has not
been able to even think about food. is a criminal too. Criminals usually
He looks at the menu then at the have more muscle power than
boy and says, ‘I’m waiting for ordinary civilians like Neel. He
someone.’ hasn’t even brought anything to
The boy almost snatches the beat Parimal with if need be. No, he
menu from him with an I-don’t- would sit with him in Renuka itself,
give-a-fuck attitude. Neel sips some probably order some food, and talk
water and keeps his focus on the about the murder. What? Talk
door. He glances at his watch. about the murder? Is he here to
Parimal should be here any date Parimal?Rubbish! Neel has to
moment now if he is punctual. catch him and pin him down and
What exactly should he do when he beat him till he confesses to killing
sees Parimal? Obviously he will Titiksha. That’s final.
recognize Neel. Should he catch Neel’s impatience increases with
hold of him and beat the shit out of each passing minute. He empties
him? What if he overpowers him? the glass of water. While keeping it
Parimal is a police man after all. He back on the table, he notices
Parimal step inside Renuka. is able to keep his focus on Parimal
Neel impulsively stands up and cross the road.
seeing him. Parimal notices Neel Running after Parimal for the
immediately since there are not next two minutes and thereby
many people in there. Parimal going into lanes and by lanes,
turns and runs out in a flash. Neel which Neel has never been to, he
follows him. As he passes the finally is able to catch hold of him.
restaurant boy who has been ogling Neel has surprised himself more
at him, Neel hears him murmur, than Parimal with the speed with
‘Boka choda.’ which he has chased him down.
Neel scoots out of Renuka. He Both are now gasping for breath,
notices Parimal cross the road and standing at the corner of a by lane.
run towards the nearby flyover. Parimal tries to run but Neel
Neel runs after him but isn’t able to catches him by the collar of his shirt
cross the road as quickly as Parimal. and slaps him hard twice.
The honking of horns makes him ‘You swine. You thought you
emotionally unstable. Somehow he were going to meet Nivrita here,
right? After killing Titiksha, you
think Nivrita and I will let you live
in peace?’ He punches him hard.
Parimal’s nose is bleeding. The
punch has hurt Neel’s knuckles as FROM NEEL’S
well.
‘Who the fuck is Nivrita?’ MANUSCRIPT
Parimal says rubbing the blood off
his nose. ‘I don’t know any Nivrita.
It’s Titiksha ma’am who asked me
to go to the restaurant at that
particular time.’
Neel stares at him as if he has 17
just been backstabbed by his most
As I sat behind mama in
trusted friend.
his scooter on our way to
the school, I had pretty
well guessed what would
happen in the principal’s were four chairs in front
office. But what actually of the principal’s table
happened that day was much and those were occupied by
worse than I could have Neel’s and Avni’s parents.
ever imagined. Ashok mama wasn’t given a
When Ashok mama and I chair to sit so he stood
entered Dr Iyer’s room, I nearby from where he could
saw Neel with his parents talk to Dr Iyer. I noticed
already present there. To Neel’s parents eyeing my
my surprise, even Avni was mama with the same
there with her parents. condescending look with
Both Neel and Avni stood which they had eyed me
in front of me like before. Such megalomaniacs
complete strangers. they were!
Neither cared to look at As mama greeted Dr Iyer,
me. I introduced Ashok she wasted no time in
mama to Dr Iyer. There accusing me of being a bad
influence on both Neel and like Neel and Avni,
Avni. I was disappointed hailing from well-cultured
on hearing this. I had families and whose parents
expected Dr Iyer to warn were educated people with
me, ask my mama to help me a social stature, studied.
focus on studies, and Salt Lake International
leave me with a warning. wasn’t for someone like me
But to be called a bad whose parents, even after
influence on Neel and being in the same city,
Avni? No way was I ready would only send the
for this! I was so blank guardian to meet the
that I didn’t remember principal. I felt bad for
much of what exactly was Ashok mama. He didn’t do
said, but the basic gist anything to hear someone’s
of the matter was, I was wrath like this. I don’t
tagged as a bad girl who think even at his
wasn’t fit to study in a workplace his superiors
proper school where people
had ever talked to him school’s official
like that. He could have letterhead before I had
been a wife-pet but he was entered the room that
a sincere man otherwise. I morning. It stated that I
wouldn’t have protested if had been expelled from the
he had killed me that day. school because, in the
I was the root cause of principal’s words, Salt
all trouble. For others Lake International
and for myself too. couldn’t keep a student
The meeting ended in who spoilt other fellow
fifteen minutes with Ashok students and distracted
mama not given a chance to them from doing what they
talk and I not asked for were primarily in the
any apology. Mama was school for; getting an
simply handed a piece of education. Neel and Avni
paper in which my future were asked to focus on
had been typed on the their studies, and let off
with a warning.
 Mama didn’t talk to me take her revenge. She had
after the meeting. I tried to explain it to me
didn’t know about him but before but I was too
I had turned into a deeply in love to take
zombie. I had not only anything seriously. And
been expelled from the why were they to be
school but the transfer blamed? What was Neel
certificate mentioned such doing being quiet before
words that I had no chance the principal? Why didn’t
of securing admission in he tell her that all of it
any other good school was a joke? That if
elsewhere. It was someone had to be
obviously not the expelled, it had to be
principal’s decision those students who were
alone. Neel’s parents— harassing us in school.
especially his mother—had Above all, it was only a
finally got a chance to goddamn rumour! And my
future had been
compromised by these so mother.’ And then he was
called ‘harbingers’ of gone.
good education. Neel’s When I came back home,
mother was right. There Yo-didun was curious to
was a difference between know what had happened. I
them and me. They had the didn’t respond. My actions
power to turn a wrong into did. I started packing
right. I didn’t even have almost immediately without
the power to prove a right shedding a tear. I didn’t
as right. want to think anything for
It was while moving out there was nothing to think
of the school gate that about actually. The only
mama said, ‘I’m going to thing that remained for me
work now. By the time I’m to see was what mama would
home in the evening, all tell my mother and whether
your things should be she would give a damn
packed. I’ll talk to your about the whole thing or
not. neither verbally nor
In the evening, after emotionally. I was blank.
mama was back from office, Nothing mattered to me
he unleashed himself on anymore. I knew I was
me. He said that he had doomed for life. I was
told my mother that she only waiting for time to
had given birth to a pass and the next day to
prospective whore and arrive so that I could
asked her to fetch me from leave mama’s house. I
his place before I shamed didn’t have dinner nor was
them more. Yo-didun tried I asked to. Yo-Didun and I
to intervene but he shut didn’t talk much either. I
her up and continued to had never seen her that
call me names. Every time quiet. I hoped she knew
mama calmed down, Bijoya what the truth was, and
mami came and put fuel to that I hadn’t let her down
the fire. I didn’t react; in anyway. I was her
granddaughter. I wouldn’t
have done anything to nothing to feel, and
shame her. After all she nothing to say. I was
was my real and only awake but I wasn’t alive.
companion at mama’s house. I was lifeless but I
I skipped dinner. In wasn’t dead. Not yet.
fact I had skipped food Somewhere in the wee
the whole day. I felt hours of the night, I saw
nothing within me when I a light shining on the
retired to bed early that window beside my bed. I
night. No pain, no could hear heavy rain
pleasure. No treasure, no beating down the street.
tears. No chaos, no Rain was a little odd at
calmness. I was just lying that time of the year. I
there on the bed like a must have slept without
lump of mass. Strangely realizing because I didn’t
enough, I liked being a hear any thunder or saw
mass: nothing to think, any lightening. The light
certainly wasn’t just a my window with a torch in
lightening for it his hand. He was totally
persisted on the window drenched. I saw him waving
pane and was moving all at me.
over it as if someone was
intentionally throwing
light. Curious I got up
from bed. I noticed Yo-
didun was sleeping. The
entire house had an eerie
silence about it while
outside steady wind
roared. I peeped out from
the corner of the curtain.
I heard the loudest my
heart could beat.
It was Neel staring at
 murder Titiksha?’
Chapter 13 ‘Murder?’ Parimal’s eyes
broaden. ‘What are you talking
about?’
‘You killed her, and then
IS NIVRITA NOT REAL? chopped her into pieces, and
stuffed it inside the washing
‘W hat do you mean Titiksha
asked you to do all this?’
machine in my flat so that I’m the
one who gets caught for her
Neel has grabbed Parimal by his
murder—that’s what I’m talking
shirt’s collar. Parimal’s hands are about.’
atop Neel’s hands trying to remove
Parimal gives him a bewildered
his grab.
look and says, ‘Now I know. You
‘I mean I don’t know anybody by are totally mad and hence Titiksha
the name of Nivrita.’ ma’am wants to get rid of you.’
‘This is the best you could come
Again Titiksha ma’am?
up with for persuading me, you
‘Weren’t you guys dating?’ Neel
asshole? Tell me why did you
asks. ‘If I’m lying then, you can hand
Parimal laughs and says, ‘I am me over to the police. There’s no
only working for her for some hiding from the police anyway. I
money. I’m not even a real didn’t know this will cause me so
policeman.’ much trouble, else I would have
‘Aren’t you Nivrita’s boy-mate?’ never accepted Titiksha ma’am’s
‘I don’t know who Nivrita is.’ offer.’
Nothing makes sense to Neel. Yet again Titiksha ma’am!
Nivrita doesn’t exist, Titiksha has Neel looks at Parimal’s eyes. To
hired this idiot to get rid of him by his horror he reads nothing fake in
getting herself chopped to pieces, them. He wants the eyes to tell him
and the most bizarre thing is he is he is lying. Of course he has heard
neither dating Titiksha nor has he about Nivrita. She is his girl-mate.
killed her. All of it seems unreal. And what did he tell him; that he is
‘And what if whatever you are totally mad? Alright, he will give
saying are lies? Why should I this man a chance. This man who
believe you?’ Neel says. Neel firmly believes has murdered
Titiksha, and has been sleeping He is expecting Nivrita to pick
with Nivrita, and is right now only up while Parimal is confident it’s
bullshitting him, he will give him a Titiksha who will pick up. Both
chance. It’s only because Neel keep waiting but nobody picks up.
wants to prove to himself that he The call ends. Neel and Parimal
isn’t a crazy person. But before that, look at each other like fools.
another idea strikes him. Holding ‘Can I take out my mobile
onto the man with one hand now phone?’
and taking out his mobile phone, Neel nods. Parimal brings out his
Neel calls Nivrita. If she doesn’t mobile phone from his trouser’s
exist—like what the man is pocket and in his contacts shows
implying—she won’t pick up the Titiksha’s number. It’s the same as
phone. As it begins to ring on the Nivrita’s.
other side, Neel puts the phone on ‘See it’s the same number.’
speaker. Neel checks. Indeed it is the
‘Nivrita will pick up and then same. Neel lets go of Parimal’s
everything will be clear.’ Neel says. shirt’s collar.
 ‘Thank you sir. I swear I have got where Nivrita used to meet him
nothing to do with all this.’ Parimal before going to any other place.
adjusts his shirt and runs for his He asks a couple of people about
life. Neel dials Nivrita’s number the exact location of Word Tree
again. There’s no response. Publishers India Pvt. Ltd. They
Neel takes a taxi and goes to direct him to go to the first floor of
Sharada Heights. He takes the the Apeejay House. Neel follows
elevator and reaches Nivrita’s floor the directions and reaches the first
only to see the door locked. On an floor.
impulse he dashes down using the The moment he moves out of the
stairs, takes the same taxi which elevator, he notices a glass door to
luckily for him hasn’t found his right. Above the glass door, a
another passenger, and heads to big golden plate reads ‘Word Tree
Park Street; to the office of Word India Publishers’ in black bold
Tree Publishing India Pvt. Ltd. letters. Neel relaxes. After the case
Neel gets down near Apeejay of his missing college and the
House in Park Street, the usual spot sudden vanishing act of Titiksha’s
office, Neel feels relieved to see ‘Are you sure?’
that the Word Tree office does The second guard speaks up,
exist! He approaches the two ‘Why we would be lying? Everyone
uniformed security guards at the signs while coming in and going
main door. out. We know every employee’s
‘Excuse me, I’m looking for the name here.’
Commissioning Editor.’ The guards’ look as genuine as
The two guards look at each. The Parimal’s eyes did when he told
first one speaks, ‘Megha madam him that he doesn’t know any
has left.’ Nivrita.
‘I’m looking for Nivrita Roy.’ Neel swallows a lump. His
The two guards again exchange mobile phone rings. He takes it out
glances. This time they seem from his jeans. The screen flashes:
clueless. Nivrita calling.
‘There’s no one by that name.’ Neel feels choked. He presses the
Neel feels a thud in his heart. green button and takes the call.
Was that rascal Parimal right? ‘Neel, help me…help me Neel.
Parimal is here. He has gone mad… the street, and takes a taxi for
he will…he will kill me.’ Nivrita’s place. If he can reach on
‘Nivrita? Where are you?’ time, if he can save her from
‘At my flat. Come soon,’ The line Parimal and catch him red-handed,
disconnects with a shriek from then every piece of this confusing
Nivrita. maze will come together. He asks
So that bastard Parimal had lied the taxi driver to drive fast, even if
to him after all. But why aren’t the he has to break a few traffic rules in
guards recognizing Nivrita’s name the process.
here? Well, he can take care of it Neel tries Nivrita’s phone
later. He needs to go and save number a few times from the taxi
Nivrita first. She sounded but it is out of reach. It only
extremely scared on the phone. He escalates his anxiety.
has lost Titiksha but he won’t let As he gets down and pays the
Parimal murder Nivrita. Neel taxi driver, he gets a call from
doesn’t wait for the elevator. He Nivrita again.
rushes down the stairs, runs across ‘Hello, where are you? I just
reached Sharada Heights.’ Neel in some air. Then he pushes open
says as he saunters inside the the door with caution. It opens
locality. with a creaking sound. A wild gush
‘I’m on the terrace Neel,’ Nivrita of wind hits him. A thunder roars
whispers over the phone. ‘Parimal in the sky. He looks up to notice the
is here too. Please come soon. I sky is abnormally dark. It may rain
don’t want to die.’ soon. He looks around. There’s no
‘I’ll be there. In fact I’m climbing life, no sound. Only darkness. Has
the stairs now,’ Neel says. He is all Parimal killed Nivrita? Neel asks
ready to fuck the life out of Parimal himself.
—the man who chopped his ‘Hey vampire boy!’
girlfriend into pieces—and now is Neel turns around to see Nivrita.
trying to kill Nivrita. All calm and composed. Her face
By the time he reaches the tells him her life was never under
terrace, Neel is gasping for breath. any threat.
He waits for a moment right ‘Vampire boy?’ Neel mutters.
outside the terrace door and takes ‘Ever since you toyed with it, my
heart still has your fingerprints.’
What’s that supposed to mean?
Neel wonders and looks at a
smiling Nivrita.
‘Ready to listen to the last FROM NEEL’S
chapter of the first half of Neel and
Titiksha’s story?’ she asks. MANUSCRIPT
Neel feels like he is confronting a
ghost.

18
Seeing Neel downstairs by
the road in the rain,
waving at me, I thought I
was sleep-walking. He
gestured me to come down. to him—even if we were
I closed the window. Neel meeting for the last time.
was indeed there by mama’s A voice inside me said
house at this hour. I tomorrow is too fickle to
glanced at the big watch be trusted. Today is
on the wall adjacent to everything. Tonight is the
the window. 12.35 am, it moment. If Neel was there
said. What was Neel doing downstairs at the dead of
there? It was a day of the night, and in this
unexpected turn of events. weather, there had to be a
Forget about seeing him solid reason for it.
downstairs, I honestly I dared to move out of
didn’t think I would even the house. I didn’t care
hear from him again. He to change. I was wearing
flashed his torch light what I wore after I was
once again on the window. back from school—a royal
I impulsively gestured for blue cropped trouser and a
him to wait. I had to go
blue top. I tiptoed to the doing here, Neel?’ I said
main door, unlocked it, and pulled him towards the
and cautiously, without chemist shop diagonally
waking anyone up, moved opposite my mama’s house.
out. Its shutters were down but
It was raining hard its extended roof gave us
then. The unexpected enough shade to shelter us
thrill of seeing Neel by from the incessant rain.
the house made me forget ‘What if I tell you love
the umbrella. I didn’t itself is afterlife? From
care to go inside again the time one loves
lest I woke up anyone. I someone, he or she
moved out in the rain and transcends normal life as
soon scampered to Neel, we all know it. And death
careful not to slip on the is a means to bring
road. someone back to that very
‘What the hell are you life so that one can fall
in love and transcend it I kept gaping at him for
yet again—a cycle of some time. He himself
sorts?’ Neel said. preferred to clarify.
Something about him was ‘I have had enough,
abnormal. Titiksha. They want me to
‘What nonsense are you go to a boys’ residential
talking about?’ school somewhere in
‘I ran away from my Dehradun now, and I don’t
place,’ Neel said. He was want to. I mean what will
shivering. happen to all my
‘Obviously. Your parents Paintbrush dreams? I tried
would have never allowed to persuade them but they,
you to come here at this as usual, aren’t getting
time. But what’s up, it. And more importantly,
really?’ I don’t think they will
‘No. I won’t return to ever allow me to be with
my home ever.’ you.’
 I could sense a pain in time I pretend about its
the way he said the last non-existence. Most
part. A certain pain I importantly, it was a pain
could well identify with. that would never allow me
It was the same pain to see anyone the way I
within me that I had saw Neel, never feel for
chosen to remain ignorant anyone the way I felt for
about in the last few him, never belong to
days. A pain which would anyone the way I wanted to
soon become a way of life belong to him. This was
for me and control my the pain of getting
choices, alter my separated from Neel
perceptions, and slowly forever.
transform me into someone ‘I can’t live without
I never thought I could you Neel,’ I said stating
become. A pain which would the obvious.
invariably tease me every He hugged me tight. But
there was something more was afraid you would have
important that was getting to undergo hell because of
aligned to the other—our me. And the worst was even
souls. I wanted to after knowing all this, I
disappear right into him. couldn’t stand for you. I
‘Please tell me we can was afraid of my parents.
be together always,’ I But today when Dr Iyer
said. He could tell that I expelled you, and later
was crying, and I could when my parents talked
guess so was he. about sending me off to a
‘I’m sorry for being residential school, the
indifferent in the last fact that we may no longer
couple of days. I was get to see each other ever
afraid. I was afraid if again struck like a blow.
the real thing came out, I rebelled. I have finally
people would make more fun rebelled Titiksha.’
of me, of you, of us. I ‘You rebelled for me
Neel?’ This wasn’t a real cared about what I want. I
moment anymore. Neel and I want to be with you, near
standing by my house under you always, Titiksha.’
the chemist shop’s roof in There was silence except
that rainy night and for the rain which was now
confessing our feelings; I falling with renewed
bet my life that night intensity.
wasn’t real. ‘What do we do now
‘I rebelled for us. I Neel?’ Holding onto him I
fought with my parents. spoke into his ears. ‘My
They said you have mother is coming tomorrow
poisoned my mind, and if I morning to fetch me from
don’t forget you, they here. I don’t know what
will kick me out of their her plans are for me.
house. I told them I Maybe she too would send
wouldn’t mind walking out me to some boarding
of a house where nobody school. I don’t want
that.’ us. If we elope, my
Neel broke the hug, parents will get to us
looked deep into my eyes, sooner or later. Eloping
and then hugged me tight is improbable. If we
once again. The way his follow what they want,
body shuddered, I could then we have to forget
understand that he further each other. Forgetting you
broke down. is impossible. And if we
‘There’s nothing we can follow what my heart says
do,’ he spoke in my ears. then…’
I could feel his breath as ‘What is your heart
his lips moved. ‘I have saying?’ This time I broke
thought about it enough the hug. I looked at him.
since evening. We don’t He looked at me, caressing
have options Titiksha. If my cheeks.
we choose each other, then ‘Let’s end it Titiksha
there’s no option left for for a better beginning.’
 I knew exactly what he night, I wouldn’t have
meant, but I wasn’t sure dared to decide what I did
if I had the audacity to in that instant being in
do it. I had to take a his arms. I convinced
decision. What was the myself Neel was correct.
life I was living? Parents We had to end it for a
who never cared for me, better beginning. There
mama and mami who despised comes a time in your life
me. Yo-Didun was the only where to commit to
one I cared about but she something, you don’t ask
was old and hence wouldn’t yourself whether it’s
be there by my side right or wrong. The only
always. The only person I thing you ask yourself is
really loved was there in can you or can’t you. I
front of me. And he was as asked myself the same
helpless as I was. Had thing: can I or can’t I?
Neel not come there that ‘I’m ready,’ I heard
myself say. Neel continued straight as he took a
to gaze deep into me. Then picture of us with his new
he pulled me out in the camera. Neel and I
rain. We ran across the exchanged a glance. I kept
street for a good five my hand around his waist
minutes and reached while he kept his arm
Sharada Heights where around my shoulder. We
Neel’s friend lived. complied lest the friend
The friend was waiting suspected anything. The
inside the apartment moment he clicked our
campus under an umbrella. picture, Neel asked for
Seeing Neel, he waved at the terrace keys.
him. As we approached him, ‘Are you guys sure? It’s
Neel’s friend said, ‘Guess bad, bad weather tonight.’
what dude, I got a new If only he knew what we
camera tonight.’ The were up to. Neel took the
friend asked us to stand keys to the terrace. The
friend asked when we would blowing amid the rain. It
be back. Neel lied to him was there before too but
and said in an hour. As we now the wind had a
were climbing up the foreboding chill. I was
staircase, Neel relayed to too emotionally numb to
me that he had told his give words to what exactly
friend that both of us I was going through.
needed to go to the Everything seemed to be
terrace because we wanted happening slowly. When I
some private time tried to feel it, all of
together. His friend had it started happening too
bribed the security guard quickly for me to
and fetched the terrace register. Neel and I
keys for us. kissed, we smooched—for
It was dark when we the first time to our
opened the door of the hearts content. It must
terrace. A cold wind was have been special but I
wasn’t myself anymore. I
was doing it but it wasn’t never wants to lose, then
happening to me. We sat one has to surpass life.
for some time on the edge Neel was right. If we
of the cemented barricade could not choose each
of the terrace other, then there were
contemplating life and plenty of other options we
feeling our fervour for it could go for. But since we
slowly evaporating as our did choose each other,
craving for remaining there was no other option
together forever took than the one we had chosen
over. Sitting beside Neel, for ourselves. I was
I realized every one of us happy.
had something special to The moment finally came
lose. In Neel’s case it where we had to execute
was me. In my case it was our decision. Both of us
Neel. And if one wants to stood on the cemented
hold on to that thing one barricade of the five-
storey building and jumped
off. Chapter 14
Only one of us died.

SHARADA HEIGHTS
NEAR TANK NO. 4, SALT
LAKE, KOLKATA

The Present

‘T hat’s where the first half of

Neel and Titiksha’s love story
ends; Sharada Heights.’ Nivrita
pauses and then says, ‘That’s where
we are right now as well.’
 Nivrita is standing on the Nivrita keeps the torch on the
terrace. Neel is standing right in ground. The wind subtly moves the
front of her, by the stairs leading to torch alternately towards Neel and
the water tank above. He doesn’t Nivrita. He can see her whenever
care about what happened to the the torch light falls on her.
fictional Neel and Titiksha. Nivrita ambles to the nearby
Whether they jumped off the cemented barricade which marks
terrace, survived, or died. Neel the limit of the terrace and facing
wants to know something else. Neel, makes herself comfortable on
‘What’s going on, Nivrita? it.
Where is Parimal?’ Neel says ‘Have you ever been to a posh
doubting if Parimal was ever here. hotel room, Neel? Ever drawn the
It’s now that Neel feels a cold wind curtains of one of the windows in it
blowing. It is getting fiercer each and stood by it only to realize the
second. view outside is of a filthy, poverty-
‘Nivrita?’ Neel can’t see her stricken and worn-out part of the
clearly. A torch light is switched on. city? At that point in time, I’m sure
you must have felt happy because ‘What do you mean?’ he says.
you were inside the posh hotel ‘Let me now narrate the second
room, away from all the social half of Neel and Titiksha’s love
garbage that nauseates you all the story,’ Nivrita says. Though Neel
time. But at the same time, my can’t see her face now, he guesses
guess is, you might also have been she will have a loose smile on her
sad because you knew it was a hotel face suggesting she is making fun of
room after all. And hotel stays can him by unnecessarily testing his
never be permanent. Sooner or patience.
later, one has to return to the ugly ‘Can’t you first tell me what’s all
city outside. Neel, your love for me this about? Can’t you tell me the
was one such hotel stay. And you second half of the story later?’
never had the balls to turn the hotel The wind tilts the torch towards
that I was for you into your home.’ Nivrita now again.
The wind tilts the torch partly ‘Certain choices in life develop
towards Neel. Its light falls on his thorns with time. But since they
face. were your choice, you got to hold
onto them even if it means your Nivrita is quiet.
emotions continue to bleed. Tell me ‘Who was it? Who jumped?’
Neel, what do you think happened Neel says.
next? What happened to Titiksha? ‘The one who kept the promise,
What happened to Neel? Did they jumped.’ Nivrita’s voice was
both die? Did one of them die? Or turning graver with every word she
did they both live?’ was speaking.
Neel glares at Nivrita. He ‘Who kept the promise?’ Neel
understands he’ll have to hear what sounds eager now.
she wants to share first, and then ‘Titiksha did. She was the one
she’ll tell him what he wants to who died that night Neel,’ she says.
know. Like always. ‘Titiksha jumped off. Neel didn’t.’
‘Alright, my guess is both Neel Neel is sorry to hear that. He
and Titiksha jumped off the terrace remembers Nivrita telling him the
as per their plan. And then maybe story she narrated to him was true.
one of them is born again because It had happened to real people.
you said only one of them died.’ With his real life girlfriend Titiksha
gone, he can understand how cruel Nivrita begins, ‘a rather worried
death can be. looking couple came to me. They
‘I’m sorry to…’ he starts but is only had one request for me: to take
cut short. care of their son; their only child.
‘Just sit tight and listen,’ Nivrita Like every other parent, they too
says. seemed concerned but felt helpless
‘Hear me out Neel.’ about his situation. In my
Neel swallows a lump sitting by profession, it was my duty to accept
the water tank. He takes a deep their request. But they said they
breath and braces himself. His gut couldn’t bring him to me because
feeling tells him Nivrita has they had kept his condition a secret
something more discomforting to from him from day one. While they
share. And he wants to hear it, after were talking, I had a feeling I’d
which the first thing he will ask seen them somewhere. A few
her: ‘Why isn’t her name on the minutes into the conversation and I
Word Tree office’s register?’ knew where exactly I’d seen them.
Obviously after a gap of almost
‘Around seven months back,’
fifteen years, they didn’t recognize
me. I didn’t care to clarify who I ‘The skin will only tell you about
really was. Just to confirm my the marks. The pain is now a part of
hunch, I requested them if they had my existence..’ She pulls down the
any photograph of their son. They tee, turns, and looks at Neel with
showed me a photograph. One look such intense hatred that it unnerves
and I knew it was Neel Chatterjee him. She takes the torch, switches it
—the same Neel who had subjected off, and slowly ambles towards
Titiksha to hell only because she him. Neel can see a subtle
loved him with all her heart and silhouette of her, against the not so
soul.’ dark sky, approaching him. She
Nivrita gets down, picks up the stands close to him now and
torch, and keeps it at an angle from switches on the torchlight on her
where Neel can see her from head face. She looks menacing.
to toe. She turns to show her back ‘I’m the one you ditched that
to Neel. Then pulls up her tee. On night, Neel Chatterjee, 15 years ago,
display are the burn marks on her on this very terrace.’
back. What? No, he didn’t hear her
correctly. Or did he? Neel’s entire has ever felt. Titiksha aims the
body stiffened. torch straight at Neel and switches
‘What are you talking about on the light. It falls on Neel’s face
Niv…Nivrita.’ Neel has difficulty and he has problem keeping his
pronouncing her name. eyes open. He blocks the light with
‘I’m not Nivrita. There was, his hand.
there is no Nivrita. I’m Titiksha ‘I used to burn myself every time
Roy, the one who loved Neel your memory haunted me Neel. I
Chatterjee of Salt Lake wanted to punish myself enough so
International School.’ that never ever in any other birth,
Neel’s eyes broaden with shock in any other form, would I repeat
and horror. Nivrita or Titiksha— the mistake which I committed in
Neel isn’t sure anymore—she this birth—to fall for you.’
switches off the torch and in the Neel wets his dry lips absorbing
darkness goes back to where she every word deep into his
was sitting a minute ago. Neel can conscience.
hear his heart beating the fastest he ‘I accepted your parents’ plea. I
had to. I’m a psychiatrist by seven? And I’m thirty-two.’
profession and treating patients is I’m thirty-three? Is that why I
my moral obligation. But for this always looked older compared to the
particular patient—that’s you Neel students I studied with during school?
Chatterjee—I wanted to get to your But why this six years lag, Neel
heart first. I wanted you to know wonders feeling heavy. In the last
what happened to us, to me, what I few seconds, he seems to have
went through, because I remained gained weight. Even a simple hand
glued to that one moment when I movement demands a lot of energy
fell in love with you even after you from him.
ditched me. Making you the author ‘That rainy night I jumped first,
of the story I wanted you to feel Neel, whereas we were supposed to
Titiksha’s pain; my pain. Forgetting jump together, and end our futile
is easy Neel. Living with memories love story for a “better beginning”,
is difficult, especially those which or so you had told me. But
enrich your soul by injuring your unfortunately, I was the only one
heart. Do you know your real age is who dared to jump. Don’t ask me
thirty-three Neel and not twenty
what I felt when I saw you standing developed psychotic and bipolar
by the terrace and looking at me symptoms, and also attempted
falling down. I kept praying it was suicide thrice. What they didn’t
a nightmare, and that my Neel know, but I knew well enough, was
would soon follow, and together that you were a fucking coward.
we shall die, but my prayer wasn’t And whatever you went through,
answered. It was indeed a you deserved every spool of it.
nightmare but a real one. You Cowards don’t fall in love, Neel.
backed off Neel. Right when it Your parents understood you
mattered, you bloody backed off. needed serious treatment when one
When your mother was in my day they found out you’d killed
clinic, I asked her what your past your Doberman in rage and
story was. She said you saw one of depression. Your mental illness
your classmates commit suicide. It made you forgo school for four
affected your mind so deeply that years. You were kept locked at
you underwent manic depression, home most of the time, with your
sleep and eating disorders, parents chasing every psychiatrist
down for your treatment. It was our myopic cognizance that makes
only when you somewhat us generalize the other side of
recovered that they thought of things on the basis of our
helping you finish your school experience of one side. You
education. The key was to keep an eventually passed your twelfth
image in front of you that board exams at the age of twenty-
everything was normal in your life, three, that too with grace marks.
else they feared they would lose No college would have taken you
their only child forever because of because you were not fit for any.’
his hyper suicidal tendencies. ‘But I…’ Neel sounds benign. ‘I
Whenever you asked them why qualified AIEEE exams and got into
you were in a room, they coaxed Neelkanth…’ Neel’s voice trails off.
you by saying you had some dust ‘Yes, you got into a college that
ailment. never existed. Your AIEEE mark
Tell you what Neel, nothing is sheet was a fake one. Your parents
absolute in this world. Not God, not always were snobbish about the
love. Everything has two sides. It’s financial class they belonged to.
And why wouldn’t they be. All the was constituted. Small time actors
laws of the world are bent in front were picked to essay the role of
of money. It was your parents’ students, professors, and guards for
blind faith on money on the basis of a monthly payroll for four years.
which they thought they could still Unbelievable right? I too thought
give their son a normal life, no so but that’s the difference between
matter what destiny did to him. truth and fiction. Fiction needs to
What you were never told was once be believable whereas truth doesn’t
your father’s sari business have such prerequisites. Whenever
prospered, he got in television any city authority or education
production. Remember the board staff came, they were told a
television serial where you spotted television serial was being shot
Arindam—your supposed inside. Nobody had any issue. Tell
colleague? It’s produced by your me did you ever notice more than
father along with few a more. In fifty people in your college at a
the same building where they shot tmie?’
their other serials, they allotted a Neel thinks hard. And nods. He
time where the set for your college
didn’t. In fact he did wonder at ‘Your parents thought your life
times why he kept seeing the same was almost in their control till you
people again and again; every year. met Titiksha in college one day. It
What Titiksha just told him now made things difficult because firstly
could be one reason why he was your parents were not at all ready
dropped by his father’s car just for this. Your father thought right
when his college started, and was after your fake college education,
picked up immediately after it was he would make you sit in his shop
over. Also, his friends vanished and relax for the rest of his life.
after college because they were Secondly, Titiksha was only a
never his friends. It was all fake. figment of your imagination. It was
And hence it’s not there anymore, alright when you were in college
Neel wonders. This is why there with her, but when you told them
wasn’t any ragging in his college, you wanted to work in a bank, and
nobody talked to him, and he was then live-in with her, it perplexed
always the one who topped; Neel them because they couldn’t say no
surmises. As she said it’s to you whereas a yes would have
unbelievable. But, maybe, it’s true.
been tricky. Though they agreed, ‘Every time you thought Titiksha
they had you under supervision in and you were having sex, it was
your rented flat. When your you who were masturbating with
parents took your case to one of my your mind playing tricks on your
colleagues, he confirmed that you senses. Yes, you did introduce
had developed Dissociate Identity Titiksha to your parents but there
disorder, and there may be another was no Titiksha. The physical traits
personality hidden in you along of Titiksha like her looks, her smile,
with Titiksha.’ etc was only a concoction of what
‘It can’t be. I was in love with your subconscious had observed in
Titiksha. I stayed with her. I others.’
introduced her to my parents even. Neel now remembers how his
We used to have sex too. How father was composed even when he
can…,’ Neel exclaims. He sounds told him Titiksha was missing. How
weak, as if he is trying to convince they never let him see the
himself against what is slowly photographs he clicked when he
sinking in him—the truth. brought Titiksha to meet them. It
was because they were only acting name Titiksha and no one else.
as if there was some Titiksha but Your mother told me that Titiksha
actually there wasn’t any. They was the same classmate who had
played on so that it didn’t excite committed suicide in front of you.
him unnecessarily, worsening his They said she was the root cause of
condition. And the camera all the problems in their and their
wouldn’t have lied. So Nivrita— or son’s life. Your parents still believe
the real Titiksha—must have acted the real Titiksha died that night.
when she came to his rented flat But sorry, I didn’t die Neel.’
while he was in the bathroom Neel is only staring at the terrace
assuming she was meeting his floor. It’s a dead stare.
girlfriend when in reality there was ‘After the fall that night, I
no one. suffered multiple head injuries, a
‘It was when your mother told twisted ankle, and a fractured
me that you used to interact with shoulder bone. The security guard
an imaginary Titiksha that I of Sharada Heights raised an alarm
intentionally inquired why the seeing my body, but I was taken to
the hospital much later. I had because it seemed like a police case.
almost bled to death by then. Your Finally the police was summoned,
friend who lived in Sharada and I was taken to a nearby hospital
Heights contacted your parents where I was in coma for 72 hours.
who came and took you home Those 72 hours took Yo-didun’s life.
without even caring to look at me. She died from a heart attack the
Why are people so cruel, Neel? next day after being in the hospital
Why don’t we understand other’s for more than 50 hours, waiting for
pain? Why don’t we get it, a simple me to regain consciousness. I lost
act of yours sometimes is potent two of my most prized possessions
enough to destroy a life. A whole when I wasn’t in my senses—you
fucking life! And we still call and Yo-didun. I never saw her
ourselves God’s best creation. again after I moved out of the
Humour me.’ house in the dead of the night to
‘There wasn’t anybody to take meet you.’ I should have at least
me to a hospital that night. People been given a chance to bid her
of the apartment were scared goodbye.’
 ‘I survived and came out of the as yours and that’s where the
coma. It took me two years to problem was. I was going through
recover fully. By then even my life but I wasn’t living it. And the
parents had decided to disown me. more difficult it was to live, the
I was anyway an accident for them. more I wanted to live. I wanted to
My mother gave me up to an NGO live because I wanted to tell myself
who took care of my medical that Neel Chatterjee tried but
expenses. I don’t know what couldn’t kill me totally. That way I
happened to Ashok mama and wanted to win. Also, I wanted to
Bijoya mami much except that they live for my love for you was real
left Yo-didun’s place and shifted and true and genuine and I wanted
elsewhere. Right now, as I speak, a to keep it alive within me. So it
court case is going on between my didn’t matter how much your
mother and mama as to who should memory kept diluting it. I wasn’t
take Yo-didun’s house.’ ready to pay for loving someone
In the two years that I was truly, even if I fell for a total
recuperating, I remembered myself coward who gave in to his fear at
the last moment, than stand by his
love for me. And the first thing I made me push myself harder to
did after I recovered fully was become even better. I completed
change my name from Titiksha to my MBBS at the age of twenty-six
Nivrita. I thought I could become a and then did my PG in Psychiatry. I
new person with such a change for was doing well in my career when
the name Titiksha had a lot of story your parents came to me. I took six
which I wanted to sever myself months to follow you, research
from. about your likes and dislikes, and
I completed my schooling from a present mental status. The bank
low-grade government school you were working for was a fake
which the NGO helped me get into, one too. Ever wondered how come
passed the Pre Medical exam, and there were only eight employees
did few odd jobs to help myself pay working in that dingy two-room
for my medical studies in a bank you worked in? The first thing
government medical college. The I did was ask your father to make
only thing going for me was I was the job so boring that you resign
good in studies. My zeal to live yourself. And you did.’
 Neel would wonder why he his mind is inferior. He is a fucked-
never got promoted even when he up case.
did his work on time. Why there ‘Though your father wanted you
was the same work again and to sit in his shop to avoid
again. And why everyone was complications, he did agree when
relaxed most of the time. Just like it you said you wanted to work. At
happened in his college days, he least you were by his side. The
was dropped in his bank and salary was given to you, and every
picked up right when it got over other actor in the so called private
without letting him spend time bank by your father. If you
elsewhere. Now he knows. The remember Arindam didn’t
work wasn’t real. The bank wasn’t recognize you on the street the day
real. His life wasn’t real. How could we came from Jaipur, it was
he be so stupid? After a momentary because he had been adequately
silence, he answered by reminding paid not to recognize you outside
himself that he isn’t normal. His the office. In fact, nobody was
grasping power is below standard, allowed to remain in touch with
you outside office. The same was same thing hence he must have
for your college buddies. They sounded like a robot to you.’
disappeared because they had been Silence persists for some time.
paid to disappear.’ ‘Your parents have doled out a
‘What about Cintus Finance and fortune Neel,’ Titiksha said, ‘to give
the man who picked up the phone you a normal life… You are lucky
there when I called?’ that way Neel else you would have
‘Cintus Finance did exist when rotten in some locked up room
you went with your imaginary forever. Do ask yourself Neel if you
girlfriend but it was soon gone. have done anything to deserve the
That was the only time, your father goodness your parents have
told me, that you have ventured showered upon you?’
outside alone. Also, it wasn’t Cintus Neel is sitting silently on the
Finance’s number that you had stairs to make sense of all that he
with you. It was the number to has been told so far. He wishes he
your father’s production office. The had never met Nivrita—or Titiksha
man had been asked to tell the as he now knows her—ever.
Ignorance is good. But now he ‘Destiny is a musical instrument
knows Titiksha and his story. He Neel,’ he hears Titiksha say, ‘And it
has lived it in his mind. Did he has its limitations. It doesn’t matter
really love Titiksha the way she how big a musician you are, you
loved him? Writing the story he felt can’t produce percussions out of a
the character Neel did love the string instrument. I did wake up
character of Titiksha. It means he after the 72 hours of coma but the
too must have loved her truly, now day your father showed me your
that he knows it was his story too. photograph in my clinic, I realized
Then why didn’t he jump that something in me had been in a
night if it was his plan to begin coma from long, very long time. I
with? Why couldn’t he keep his know you noticed the tears in my
promise? Was he that shallow a eyes when we were in the Jaipur
person from within that he couldn’t hotel room together. It was because
carry out something he promised I never had imagined I would lose
his love? Is his fear more powerful my virginity to you. Yes, that night
than his love for Titiksha? I lost my virginity to the one I had
always loved. That possibility was your imaginary girlfriend. I was
beyond a dream for me. But it happy you remembered my name,
happened. I’m lucky. But as I told but then what’s in a name really?
you, nothing is absolute. This good You didn’t remember me; the
luck of mine has a pretty bad side person bearing the name. I could
too which you now know. have told you all this on day one
Probably, it was all destined. When itself, but I wanted you to relive our
I learnt you had a sudden urge to story which you had forgotten. I
become an author, I got my excuse wanted you to feel guilty, I wanted
of butting into your life. Most you to feel the pain that I have been
depression patients show signs of hiding within me for all these
creative escape. I feigned being the years. I wanted you to hate yourself
commissioning editor of a leading for forgetting me, like I hated
publishing house. It was a trap. I myself, at times for loving you so
booked the hotel room for you in incorrigibly. You have kept me
Jaipur, I booked Lappan for you. pregnant with an inscrutable pain
They knew me by my name— since a long time now. Neel—a
Titiksha—and you thought it was
pregnancy which I thought I’ll want to take a chance. So I staged
never come out of. A pain I knew I the power-cut in the mall as well as
would take to my grave.’ kept a real boy and girl with a
Neel was quiet as Titiksha green-grass top. I also kept the
clarified further. dismantled phone in the washroom
‘The earlier psychiatrists were which you thought belonged to
right. There is indeed another your imaginary Titiksha. After you
dormant personality in you other were convinced about the presence
than the imaginary Titiksha’s. I of another man in her life, I
probed it by enticing you to doubt brought Parimal into the picture. I
the imaginary Titiksha and later by wanted you to suspect me after I
telling you I saw someone with threw the cigarette packet inside
your girlfriend in a mall. Though an your flat with the note so that at
out-of-the-body experience is least you knew something was
pretty common in patients indeed wrong, and later I stuffed
suffering from Dissociate Identity your washing machine, taking the
Disorder, if instigated, but I didn’t key from your parents, with
chopped beyond recognition flesh
pieces which were nothing but Finance in Sector V. The funniest
slaughtered animals I bought from thing, however, is that your parents
a butcher shop. But you started still don’t know who I really am.
doubting Parimal instead, as the They think whatever I’m doing is
supposed murderer of the part of some medical process to
imaginary Titiksha. Hence I had to help you get better. And they co-
keep him for a little more time than operated.’
I thought he would be needed. The Silence persists. There’s nothing
police uniform was deliberately more Neel needs to know. He
kept in my flat because I wanted to lowers his head. What else can a
re-direct you to me via Parimal. coward do? Titiksha ambles
When you called your father about towards him. She caresses his hair
Titiksha’s disappearance, he had and suddenly grabs them tightly,
called me for help. I’d sent the actor pulling his head up. His shamed
Parimal as a policeman to him eyes meet her arrogant ones.
while we were investigating the ‘And now I want you to suffer,
presence of a non-existent Cintus Neel Chatterjee, because now you
know the second half of Neel and what Titiksha must have
Titiksha’s twisted love story. I’ll undergone because of his
sleep well tonight and for the rest momentary cowardice. An
of the nights you shall remain impulsive thinking, a simple lack of
awake, hoping and praying for judgement, and two lives have been
death to come to you because you destroyed beyond repair. If he had
know you are a fucking coward, not gone to Titiksha that rainy
and are responsible for killing what night, they would have lived, even
I basically was. Your parents may if it was with a little bit of pain. But
still think it was suicide, but I and that pain would have been
you now know it was homicide. My different from the one Titiksha had
jumping off the terrace was a just told him about. It would have
culpable-fucking-homicide—if you been a different pain from the one
know what I mean!’ that he will live with from now on.
Titiksha let go of his hair and Should he live on? Titiksha had
walked out of the terrace. Neel sits asked him to question himself if he
in agony. He can now understand deserved the life he got in return of
what he compelled Titiksha to
undergo. before. Is he brave enough to
Neel asks himself: what do I punish himself tonight for the love
deserve? He has to make a choice he once had for Titiksha, but didn’t
again, like that rainy night when let it attain fruition?
Titiksha jumped off the terrace. Is Neel gets up. In a trance-like
he ready to live with whatever state, he walks to the cemented
Titiksha told him? Will he be able barricade, gets on top it, and takes a
to look at himself in the mirror deep breath.
knowing what he did that rainy This time he jumps off.
night? Backed off from the promise
he made to the one he loved with
his heart and soul. If fear made him
a coward once, can love make him
atone for the cowardice now? For
how long will he let his fear control
him? It has already pushed him to
make a miserable choice in life once
SHARADA HEIGHTS about to jump?
Titiksha appears amid the crowd.
APARTMENT CAMPUS ‘This was the only thing that was
left for me to see, my only
Minutes later consolation,’ she says. ‘Whether
you still gave your cowardice an

T here’s a lot of light. And there

are lots of people around— all
edge over love or whether, after
knowing everything, you choose to
of them strangers. Is this how souls dare life for love. I was waiting
are welcomed in hell? Neel wonders with bated breath, hoping you
looking at them. His leg hurt a bit. make the jump. It only means you
Looking down he realizes he did finally respected my love for you,
jump, but he hasn’t touched ground even if it took time. Thanks for not
yet. Neel is astonished to see a huge disappointing me this time, Neel.’
air mattress below him which has Neel is too blank to talk.
saved him from landing straight on ‘Take my hand. It’s time to treat
the ground. Did they know I was you to normalcy.’ Titiksha says.
 He takes her hand and gets up. ‘I love you Titiksha,’ Neel says
The hired men who have gathered and hugs her tightly. ‘I really do.’
around him help him step out of Neel’s voice seems choked. Titiksha
the air-mattress. ‘I’m sorry Titiksha hugs him back with equal fervour.
for that night and for everything Her within feels rinsed.
that followed. I know a mere sorry ‘There are two kinds of love: one
won’t take away what those 15 that exists because it has never been
years gave you, but I don’t know tested and one that lives on because
what else to say,’ he says. Titiksha it has passed all its tests,’ Titiksha
looks at him with longing. whispers in his ear.
‘Don’t say sorry, Neel. Say you
love me. Please say you love me. It’s
more powerful than any apology.
It’s more healing than any
medicine. It’s more forgiving than
any life. And it’s much better a
solution than any death.’
 To Arindam Dey, Reetika
Acknowledgements Mishra, Rachit Varma, Pravesh
Agarwal, and Rahul Saini—
thank you buddies for all the
emotional support, meaningful
Much love, humble thanks, and suggestions, and honest
gratitude to my parents for feedback I ever needed.
inspiring me and shaping my To Mr Prakash Mishra—it has
outlook towards life and for been a privilege to be associated
giving me enough reasons, with you. Looking forward to
through your actions, on why learning a lot more from you.
simplicity and humaneness still Thanks!
counts.
Extended thanks to Naman
Gratitude to the Chowdhury Kapur for unconditionally
family, the Rastogi family, and appreciating my work for such a
the Pimple family for their love, long time now. I hope you like
care, and blessings. this one too.
Special thanks to Anuradha the entire team at Random
Chakraborty for setting up this House India who are
story. You know what I mean. instrumental at turning this
book into reality.
To Kaushani Ganguly—thanks
for all your amazing questions. To my readers—love and thanks
And for helping me get an to each one of you who have
insight into today’s school kids. reached out to me in the virtual
world after reading my books
Anushikha Pathak—for being
and also those whom I don’t
my youngest friend and helping
know yet but I’m sure have kept
me understand the psyche of
me in their silent prayers. This
today’s teenagers.
story, the ones before, and
Thanks to my editor, Gurveen hopefully the ones coming up
Chadha, for sprinkling just the are a result of those prayers.
right spices to make this story
Lastly…
even tastier.
To R—you are that sun, I know,
Thank you Milee Ashwarya and
which is and which will be
there, even if every other light A Note on the
source fails me. For you— Author
anytime, all the time.

N ovoneel Chakraborty’s books

have touched thousands of
souls across India. He is a full-time
author, screenwriter, and a blogger.
 He lives in Mumbai.
You can visit his blog,
Novosphere, for one-paragraph
stories on life and inspiration at
www.nbconline.blogspot.com
You can mail him at
[email protected] or
Facebook him at
www.facebook.com/officialnbc