RELATIVELY SPEAKING.

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RELATIVELY
SPEAKING
BYETHAN COEN,
ELAINE MAY,
AND WOODY ALLEN

★
DRAMATISTS
PLAY SERVICE
INC.
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TALKING CURE
Copyright © 2013, Ethan Coen

GEORGE IS DEAD
Copyright © 2013, Hamilcar, Inc.

HONEYMOON MOTEL
Copyright © 2013, Woody Allen

All Rights Reserved

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Anyone receiving permission to produce any or all of the Plays in the volume RELATIVELY SPEAK-
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following acknowledgment must appear on the title page in all programs distributed in connection
with performances of the Play(s):
Originally presented on Broadway at the Brooks Atkinson Theatre
by Julian Schlossberg, Letty Aronson, Edward Walson, LeRoy Schecter,
Tom Sherak, Daveed D. Frazier and Roy Furman, in association with
The Weinstein Company, on October 20, 2011.

SPECIAL NOTE ON SONGS AND RECORDINGS

For performances of copyrighted songs, arrangements or recordings mentioned in these Plays, the
permission of the copyright owner(s) must be obtained. Other songs, arrangements or recordings
may be substituted provided permission from the copyright owner(s) of such songs, arrangements or
recordings is obtained; or songs, arrangements or recordings in the public domain may be substituted.

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CONTENTS

TALKING CURE by Ethan Coen . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5

GEORGE IS DEAD by Elaine May . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21
HONEYMOON MOTEL by Woody Allen . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43
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RELATIVELY SPEAKING was originally presented on Broadway

at the Brooks Atkinson Theatre, opening on October 20, 2011. It
was produced by Julian Schlossberg, Letty Aronson, Edward
Walson, LeRoy Schecter, Tom Sherak, Daveed D. Frazier and Roy
Furman in association with The Weinstein Company. It was direct-
ed by John Turturro; the scenic design was by Santo Loquasto; the
costume design was by Donna Zakowska; the lighting design was
by Kenneth Posner; the sound design was by Carl Casella; the pro-
duction stage manager was Ira Mont; and the stage manager was
Matthew Lacey. The casts were as follows:

TALKING CURE
LARRY . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Danny Hoch
DOCTOR . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jason Kravits
HUSBAND . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Allen Lewis Rickman
WIFE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Katherine Borowitz

GEORGE IS DEAD
CARLA . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Lisa Emery
NANNY . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Patricia O’Connell
FUNERAL DIRECTOR . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Allen Lewis Rickman
MICHAEL . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Grant Shaud
DOREEN . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Marlo Thomas

HONEYMOON MOTEL
JUDY SPECTOR . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Caroline Aaron
PAUL JESSUP . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Bill Army
NINA ROTH . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Ari Graynor
JERRY SPECTOR . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Steve Guttenberg
SAL BUONACOTTI . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Danny Hoch
FAY ROTH . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Julie Kavner
DR. BRILL . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Jason Kravits
RABBI BAUMEL . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Richard Libertini
SAM ROTH . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Mark Linn-Baker
EDDIE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Grant Shaud

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TALKING CURE
BY ETHAN COEN
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TALKING CURE
Nondescript doctor’s office. Two men.

DOCTOR. Okay, Larry. Do you know why you’re here?

LARRY. I’m not sure.
DOCTOR. You’re not sure why you’re here.
LARRY. Not really.
DOCTOR. What’s a guess? Why do you think you’re here?
LARRY. I killed somebody?
DOCTOR. (Laughs.) No Larry, you didn’t kill anyone.
LARRY. Okay.
DOCTOR. Not at all.
LARRY. That’s good news.
DOCTOR. Yes it is. So why —
LARRY. I didn’t kill the elderly lady?
DOCTOR. What elderly lady? (Beat.)
LARRY. Never mind.
DOCTOR. Larry, you’re here so that I can help you. Is there some
way that you think you might need help? Or relief, maybe, or, or,
or clarity? What do you hope for, in this encounter?
LARRY. I don’t know. (Thinking beat.) I guess I’m hoping —
maybe — could this be one of those things where it turns out I’m
the doctor and you’re the mental patient? (Beat.)
DOCTOR. No, Larry.
LARRY. How do you know? You don’t know everything.
DOCTOR. No, I don’t know everything.
LARRY. It could turn out that way. As a surprise.
DOCTOR. Well, in a movie sometimes that happens. Not in real
life. In real life, I am definitely the doctor.
LARRY. Well I guess you have to say that. Or it wouldn’t be a surprise.

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DOCTOR. Let’s go back — I don’t really care for that word, those
two words, “mental patient.” Why describe yourself that way?
LARRY. I’m saying I might not be.
DOCTOR. But getting away from that idea, the reversal idea. Why
would you refer to yourself in those terms, as a “mental patient.”
LARRY. I’m in a mental hospital.
DOCTOR. Well.
LARRY. And they didn’t gimme a SMOCK.
DOCTOR. Well, okay. Okay, but. Okay. But I help a lot of peo-
ple who don’t think of themselves as “mental patients.” They have
problems, problems that sometimes I can help them with, just like
I want to address your problem. And the first question I want to
talk about is, how would you characterize the problem? Or do you
think you don’t have any?
LARRY. Everybody has problems.
DOCTOR. Everybody has problems.
LARRY. Who helps you with yours? (Beat.)
DOCTOR. Let’s — I have friends who help me with mine, and
loved ones. But let’s —
LARRY. That’s what friends are for.
DOCTOR. That’s what friends are for. But doctors can help
sometimes too.
LARRY. Which you claim to be.
DOCTOR. … Okay —
LARRY. If I say I don’t have a problem, you’ll say that proves I’m
crazy.
DOCTOR. No I wouldn’t say that, but you yourself said,
“Everyone has problems.”
LARRY. Not because it’s true. I only said it because it’s one of
those things people say. You’re supposed to accept it, repeat it —
“Everyone has problems.” Keep building it into the system.
DOCTOR. “The system”?
LARRY. Make it a core belief. To reinforce the system, keep every-
body in line. The house always wins.
DOCTOR. Okay.
LARRY. Am I right?
DOCTOR. Okay. Okay. Fair enough.
LARRY. I am right.
DOCTOR. Yes, okay, it’s a truism. We shouldn’t set too much
store by little sayings like that, “Everybody has problems,” I agree.

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RELATIVELY SPEAKING
by Ethan Coen, Elaine May, and Woody Allen
8M, 7W (doubling, flexible casting)

In TALKING CURE, Ethan Coen uncovers the sort of

insanity that can only come from family. Elaine May
explores the hilarity of passing in GEORGE IS DEAD. In
HONEYMOON MOTEL, Woody Allen invites you to
the sort of wedding day you won’t forget.

“Firecracker funny … A savory tasting platter of comedies,

packed with nifty zingers.” —The New York Times

“A rollicking good time.” —The New Yorker

“Sometimes poignant, sometimes sad and often hysterical.”

—Associated Press

“So juicy and brilliantly funny, it’s worth more than a Cartier
necklace.” —The New York Post

DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE, INC.