MR.

by Noah Haidle

E
4M, 2W (doubling)

Lucy is a four-year-old girl with a very active imagination. Unfortunately,

her imaginary friend Mr. Marmalade doesn't have much time for her. Not
to mention he beats up his personal assistant, has a cocaine addiction, and
a penchant for pornography and very long dildos. Larry, her only real DLE

friend, is the youngest suicide attempt in the history of New Jersey. MR.
MARMALADE is a savage black comedy about what it takes to grow up
in these difficulr rimes.

exhilarating . .. alternately hilarious and heartbrea/~ing . .. through the

alchemy ofHaidle's scintillating style" -The New Yorker

"Haidle's fertile imagination has produced a world in which ... reality and
fantas)! collide and intertwine ... [A} roller-coaster saga ... MR. MARMA­
LADE marks its author ... as a name to watch in the future. "
-The Los Angeles Times (Titus)

"... slyly amusing, envelope-pushing . . . Haidle has the courage ofhis convic­
tions, which he has demonstrated in a mature and accomplished play ...
extraordinary . .. " -The Los Angeles Times (Miller)

''Haidle [has} an Albee-like bent for creating character capable of both /~ind­
ness and cruelty ... a poignant story [that} runs the gamut Fom hilarious to
heartbreaking . .. " -The Orange County Register
..
Also by Noah Haidle
KITTY KITTY KITTY
RAG AND BONE
ISBN 978·0-<l222-21 42-5
90000
*
n IV\ MAT1STS
PLAY SERVICE
IN C.
DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE, INC. 9 "780822"221425
 MlZ. MARMALADE
MR. MARMALADE received its world premiere by South Coast
(:0l'yrighL ~C) 2006, Noah Haidle

Repertory (David Emmes, Producing Artistic Director; Martin

All Rights Reserved
Benson, Artistic Director) in Costa Mesa, California, opening on
April 25, 2004. It was directed by Ethan McSweeny; the set design
t ~ A lJ' I . I(
IN: I'rokssiollals and amateurs are hereby warned that performance of
M il . MARMAI.ADE is subject ro paymem ofa royalry. Ir is fully protected under
was by Rachel Hauck; the costume design was by Angela Balogh
II ", <"I, )'ril,.llI laws of the United States of America, and of all coumries covered Calin; the lighting design was by Scott Zielinski; the sound design
1,1' dw 11I1<'I'n:tlional Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and was by Michael Roth; the assistant director was Joshua N. Hsu; the
dw 1('.'1 oj' ,he British Commonwealth), and of all coumries covered by the Pan­
AlI1 cri(:l1l Copyright Convemion, the Universal Copyright Convemion, the dramaturg was Jerry Patch; the production manager was Tom
Ikrll<' (:ol1vention, and of all coumries with which the United States has recipro­ Aberger; and the stage manager was Jamie A. Tucker. The cast was
(.,j <\, pyright relations. All rights, including professional/amateur stage rights, as follows:
",olioll picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, televi­
.,iOIl, video or sound recording, all other forms of mechanical or electronic repro­
duction, such as CD-ROM, CD-I, DVD, information srorage and retrieval sys­ I.t J( ~y .................... . Eliza Pryor Nagel
Icrns and phorocopying, and the rights of translation imo foreign languages, are Mi t MARMALADE Glenn Fleshier
srricdy reserved. Particular emphasis is placed upon the matter of readings, per­
mission for which must be secured from the Author's agem in writing.
SnOI(ll;" SUNFLOWER Heidi Dippold
BRADI.FY Marc Vietor
The English language srock and amateur stage performance rights in the United I'~MILY ..... .. Heidi Dippold
States, its terrirories, possessions and Canada for MR. MARMALADE are con­
trolled exclusively by DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE, INC., 440 Park Avenue
CEORGE, CACTUS,AMAN Larry Bates
South, New York, NY 10016. No professional or nonprofessional performance of 1,ARRY Guilford Adams
Lhe Play may be given without obtaining in advance the written permission of
DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE, INC., and paying the requisite fee.

Inquiries concerning all other rights should be addressed ro The Gersh Agency, 41 M IZ, MARMAl.ADE was originally produced in New York City
Madison Avenue, 33rd Floor, New York, NY 10010. Attn: John Buzzetti. II)' IZ()IIII<l:Iholll Thc:ltre Company (Todd Haimes, Artistic
SPECIAL NOTE
I lilnlor), opcllillg Oil November 20, 2005. It was directed by
Anyone receiving permission ro produce MR. MARMALADE is required ro give rv1.idLI,·1 (;n'iV; the set design was by Allen Moyer; the costume
credit ro the Author as sole and exclusive Author of the Play on the tirie page of dcsil'.'1 was by Constance Hoffman; the lighting design was by
all programs distributed in connection with performances of the Play and in all
instances in which the tide of the Play appears for purposes of advertising, publi­
Kevin Adams; the sound design was by Walter Trarbach and Tony
cizing or otherwise exploiting the Play and/or a production thereof. The name of Smolenski IV; and the original music was by Michael Friedman.
the Aurhor must appear on a separate line, in which no other name appears, The cast was as follows:
immediately beneath the tide and in size of rype equal ro 50% of the size of the
largest, most prominem letter used for the tide of the Play. No person, firm or
emiry may receive credit larger or more prominem than that accorded the Aurhor. I. U( ~Y ................................................................ Mamie Gummer

The following acknowledgments must appear on the tide page in all programs dis­ M IZ. M A1ZMALADE .......................................... Michael C. Hall

tributed in connection with performances of the Play:

S( )() KJI':, EMILY, A SUNFLOWER .......... Virginia Louise Smith

MR. MARMALADE was originally produced by South Coast Repertory

( ;F< lIZ.c ;E, A CACTUS, A MAN ...................... Michael Chernus

(David Emmes, Producing Artistic Direcror; Martin Benson, Artistic Direcror)

I ,AIUZY ................................................................ Pablo Schreiber

as part of the Seventh Annual Pacific Playwrights Festival on April 25, 2004.

BJZADLEY ...... .. .................................................. David Costabile

The New York Premiere of MR. MARMALADE was produced

in November 2005 by Roundabout Theatre Company,

Todd Haimes, Artistic Direcror.

Z. SMITH REYNOLDS U8RARV

WAKE FOREST UNIVERSITY

2
3
 CHARACTERS

I lit Y Ii Yl.:ars old. Has a vivid imagination.

M I~. MARMALADE - Her imaginary friend. Dresses

11 i, c. Nl'vcr has any time for her.

,')<)( )KJE - Lucy's mom. Relies on men for more than

MR. E

I lt9're good for.

I.
EMILY - The babysitter. The first girl in her class to

ge r boobs.

GEORGE - Her boyfriend. A jock. Wears a letter jacket.

01: TIlE STRAINED RELATIONSHIP OF LUCY
AN I) II ER IMAGINARY FRIEND MR. MARMALADE
LARRY - 5 years old. Has bandages on his wrists. The

youngest suicide attempt in the history of New Jersey.

BRADLEY - Mr. Marmalade's personal assistant. Can

II Living room in New jersey. Let's not get very naturaListic
ahout it. More the suggestion ofa room than a room. Lucy is
sing like an angel.

playing with Ken and Barbie. She wears a pink tutu in a state
A CACTUS and A SUNFLOWER - Talking plants.
o(diJrepair. Barbie wears a tutu, too. Mr. Marmalade appears.
//1'; /11."') wi'lLdressed. Suit, briefcase, nice shoes.
A MAN - A one-night stand.

PLACE MI C MAR M A I.A D E. Good evening.

I.l )( ;Y. I I houghr you weren't coming.

A living room in New Jersey. Mit MARMALADE. I carved out some time.

I ,l)( :Y. 'I'hirty minutes?

MR. MARMALADE. Ten.

TIME I ,Ut Y That's not very many.

Mit MARMALADE. It's the best I could do. Next week will be

Now. I, \, I I ('1 . I promise.

Ll J( ·Y. We'd bt..:rrer get started.

M IC MARMAI.ADE. What is it today?

Ll J( ~y. I loust:.

M Ie MAI~MALAOE. I see. (He opens his briefcase and whips out a

11'1/ ~rl. (;/lps. saucers, spoons.) Whenever you're ready.

l .lJ( 'Y. (:()IJ1e down here. (He sits.) Would you like a cup of coffee?

Mi t MARMALADE. Have we started?

1,l) C Y. Yes.

M It MARMALADE. I would love a cup of coffee. (She pours coffee.)

I,UCY. How do you take it?

4
5
 I;J()J in my mouth.

MR. MARMALADE. Black. (She puts sugar in the coffee. Gives him
1,\ lCY. Excuses, excuses.

the cup.) I said black. Mit MARMALADE. I'm sorry. I'll do better. Cut back at work.

LUCY. Did you? I'm sorry. Would you like another cup?

We'll rak(~ a vaca tion . Mexico. Cabo San Lucas. First class across

MR. MARMALADE. Yes, please.

111(' hoard.

LUCY. Oh shoot, we juSt ran ouc Would you like me (0 brew

I,ll( :Y. Mexico' You promise?

some more?
M Ie M/\I~MALADE. I promise. (Sookie enters in a slip and high

MR. MARMALADE. Don't worry about ic

/I,.d,', S/I(' mrri('J two dresses.)

LUCY. Are you sure?

';( )( )1(1\:.. Which olle?

MR. MARMALADE. Are you angry with me, Lucy?

I .ll( :V. MOil), 1'Ill hllsy,

LUCY. Why would I be angry with you, honey?

s<K ) I\ II'~ . WIl.li :11\: yOll doing?

MR. MARMALADE. Not play angry. Real angry.

I lit :Y, Ml. M:llIll:liade just got home from the office and he has

LUCY. I'm not angry. I just wish you weren't so busy.

III I"" ", III lil·,(-, Ilw minutes so I'd greatly appreciate it if you left us

MR. MARMALADE. So do 1. I wish I could play with you all

."1,111 ,
night, but work is crazy right now.
;( It )1, 11',. 1kilo , Mr. Marmalade.

LUCY. I know. I'm sorry. We'd better keep going. Not much time.

M Ie M/\IZMALADE. Hello, Mother.

MR. MARMALADE. Okay.

U I(:v. ) Ie says hello.

LUCY. Would you like more coffee?

S( )( ) J( IE. '1(;1.1 him hello for me (00.

MR. MARMALADE. I thought we ran out.

M Ie M /\ I~ M/\I./\DE. Such a nice woman, your mother.

LUCY. I have a fresh pot right here. Black?

..;( )O K II:,. Whi ch dress should I wear?

MR. MARMALADE. Please. (She pours some coffee. He sips it')

I lIt V, I "Iillk il \ wry rude for YOll (0 barge in here when I have

LUCY. What do you think?

'"IIII'oIl1y. YOII owe Mr. M;tnn:d;tde an apology. You know how pre­
MR. MARMALADE. Delicious.
; 1I1I 'i Id.. ~illi l' L\.
LUCY. It's a new blend I had flown in from Peru.

~ ( ) U I, II ~. MI , Mal'lllalaJc, rm very sorry.

MR. MARMALADE. It's absolutely wonderful, Lucy.

M it IVI/\RMALADE. Jr's not a problem at all. I adore the time I

LUCY. I'm so glad you're home from work. You have no idea how

,\ I'clld willi your rnothcr.

lonely this house gets.
1.1J( :Y. I k accl:p rs your apology. Begrudgingly, I might add.
MR. MARMALADE. I can only imagine. It's so good (0 be home.

,S ()O 1(1 E. Maybe Mr. Marmalade has a preference about which

LUCY. Why don't you (Ouch me anymore?

,II'cs~ I w<.:ar.
SOOKIE. (Offstage.) Lucy!!!
M Ie 'M /\I\M/\LADE. I prefer the red dress, although I imagine

MR. MARMALADE. What?

11I':1 ,dU111I allylhing would look stunning on you.

LUCY. You haven't touched me in weeks. Is there somebody else?

I ,Ut ' Yo 11(' likes rhe red one.

MR. MARMALADE. What? No. Don't be ridiculous.

:-'<)( ) 1\ I L~. Me 100. Thank you, Mr. Marmalade. (She kisses Lucy on

LUCY. Someone at work? That new intern?

I /)r hMt! Imd ('.'K,'its.)

SOOKIE. (Offstage.) Lucy!? What are you doing, Lucy?

MI \. M/\I~M/\J.ADE.
There's no need (0 thank me. I'm flattered

LUCY. I'm busy!!! (To Mr. Marmalade') Is there somebody else?

d ' LI\~ hc
holds my opinion in such high regard.

MR. MARMALADE. Of course not. How could you ask me such

1.1Ie y. Where were we?

a thing? Ivl It MARMALADE. Mexico.

LUCY. You're at the office until the dead of nighc And when you
1,1J( :V. That's right. Cabo San Lucas.

are home you barely even look at me, let alone lay a finger on me.
MR. MARMALADE. I'm tired when I get home. I'm exhausted. All M Ie MARMALADE. First class across the board. A huge white

hed with ostrich feather pillows. Men in tuxedos holding umbrel­

I can think of is going (0 sleep. I barely have the energy to shovel

6
7
h~, 1<>1" I he Slill. . lop-shelf margaritas on the hotel veranda watching

I .l IC Y. N l ) I don'r. She smells like cigarettes. She only talks about

lite slinset.

1,(" I )oyl fiend and her breasts coming in,

I .UCY. When can we go?

.'-iO( ) I< I E. Emily is a very nice girl and you're going to have a good
MR. MARMALADE. We'll go next month. Work will lighten up.
, i II Ie.
LUCY You promise you're not cheating on me?

II )( :Y. J dOll" sec the point of having a babysitter at all.

MR. MARMALADE. I promise I'm not cheating on you.

.<.; ( )( ) I( It,:. I.ucy, you're four years old.

LUCY You pinky swear?

LUCY. I e lll take care of myself.

MR. MARMALADE. I pinky swear. (They pinky swear.)

.'I e)( ) 1\ /I ':. You're too young to take care of yourself.

LUCY I knew you weren't. Oh, honey, I'm sorry I accused you of
I ll C Y, WI,o .~; IY.~?

that. I'm alone here all by myself night and day. My imagination

r., ( H ., 1\ II '.. I ,',.IY, ( '/11(' r./oorbell rings.) We'll have to discuss this later.

runs wild. You have no idea. (His beeper goes off It startles him.)
II" w ri ll I I"" kf

MR. MARMALADE. Oh shit, my beeper.

I I J\ Y I;i ll l'

LUCY You're not going to go back to the office tonight, are you,
It l( 11, 1L. I II ~ I lill(' or pretty good?

dear?
I I J( V, 111 '11 tlllt".

MR. MARMALADE. Not play beeper. My real beeper.

( H 1I'd I ~, J 'kink YOll for your Support, Lucy. (Kisses her on the

LUCY No!!!

/Jr'llf/.) N" TV :tnd in bed by nine o'clock. Do you hear me?

MR. MARMALADE. I have to go.

un 'y, Y(.'~, Illa'am.

LUCY You said ten minutes.

."i( )( ) /( 1J ':. C ood night, dear. (She goes.)

MR. MARMALADE. I know I did. But I have to go.

J lJ( 'Yo (;""d nigh!. (Fury is alone.)

LUCY When will I see you again?

MR. MARMALADE. Let me check my Blackberry. (Scrolls through

his Blackberry.) This week is terrible. I might have forry-five min­

utes on Thursday. Maybe we could do sushi. I'll have Bradley call

you.

LUCY You said we'd do sushi last week.

MR. MARMALADE. I know I did. I'm sorry. (Kisses her on the

head.) I have to go. Goodbye. (He disappears.)

LUCY. Goodbye. (Sookie enters in the red dress.)

SOOKIE. What do you think? (She sashays.)

LUCY It's okay.

SOOKIE. What do you think, Mr. Marmalade?

LUCY He's not here.

SOOKIE. Where is he?

LUCY. At the office. He's a very important man. I can't expect him

to spend his whole night here drinking coffee with me.

SOOKIE. Babysitter'll be here in half an hour. Can you hold

down the fort until then?

LUCY. Which one is it?

SOOKIE. Emily.

LUCY Ugggh.

SOOKIE. You like Emily.

8
9

J
 1111 Y. M I. M:lI"IlIalade does not get his nails done!!!

11M ! 1 Y. ( :l,ill Ollt. We don't go to the mall. Your Mom told me

II. d U"11 il ill l,

I I II Y. W iLlI'd :o ,I, v ~ a y '

I ' ,..111 Y "I,'y". 1" ,\ . 1 (kadbcar.

OF THE CONVERSATION BETWEEN LUCY

I \ II \ li t";. \l(" I'Y bllsy. I-\c's a very important man.

AND EMILY THE BABYSITTER, DURING

I 1'. 111 \'. 1)' "1 '1 111:111("1" how important he is. He's gona make time

WHICH THEY TALK ABOUT MR. MARMALADE

I", \" "1

AND HIS DELINQUENT BEHAVIOR AND

J l ie Y 11(' \\'.'III ~ 10 Illake more time for me. Things are JUSt so

L iLlI)' Ii ,) H' /1 11". ° 11),.111 1I0W.

HOW MEN ARE LIKE THAT IN GENERAL

I f\ Il l ' 1'. I) I ill )' I I il'lId ( ;l:Olge used to say he was too busy to hang

UNLESS YOU KEEP THEM IN LINE

1)1 11 Wi d i 1111

j I H' WI, ,, 'd y q ll do?

I ft. 111\ 1 ',1" 1'1'('.1 hooking up with him.

Emily watches TV eating a big bowl o/popcorn. Lucy is talking

I III \ . ' 11 " ' 11 d id II<' !t;,Vl: more time for you?

on a hairbrush lilu it's a cell phone.

I ~Io ll V. \ elll h"ll c l" Iwli cvc he did.

I I j( \ . ·ll hll ·... w h :1I I'll do.

H\lll Y. 1'" YOII , 'VI'II hook up with Mr. Marmalade?

LUCY. (On phone.) You're breaking up. No, I can hear you now.

I I Jt \ . I 1111 111.1 I .I <io

Tonight? Nothing. Just hanging out. I've got a babysitter. I know,

1'1\ 11 1V, 11 11 !! ' 1 )' 0 11 do 01 yllli dOIl't.

can you believe it? No. She's okay. Kinda dumb. She smokes ciga­

1 11t\ 'l ll1 "l dii.

rettes. Her clothes smell like cigarettes. I know, disgusting, right?

}' I\ I II " I , I " " I ,dl( III l,ill1.

Teenagers. It's an awkward time, you're right. She's got a boyfriend.

I Ih \ 11 ,)"\ ;,, •., 1" , ',' 111°,1.\,

Yeah. I don't know, I'll ask her. (To Emily.) Have you had sex with

your boyfriend yet?

I. t\ 111 ' ('::"""1' "'('01,1101\1'.

I ! )I \ Nu,

EMILY. What?

I' fylll ' own phone. (She dials her real cellphone')

I:j IlL . I've gu l Illy

LUCY. (On phone.) She's totally avoiding the question. Yeah. I bet

I ll( y, YI," know his number.

.1011 '1 I.: Vl:1l

she has, too. She doesn't look like a virgin.

I,' Mil Y. I k ll()? M I'. Marlllalade? It's Emily. Hey, what's up?

EMILY. Who are you talking to?

I I Ie V VIIII'I ~o 1101 takin g to him.

LUCY. (On the phone.) Just a sec. (To Emily.) I'm on the phone.

1' 1\ 111y Nil . ~ h v\ right ht.:re. I know, she gets pretty annoying,

Would you mind not interrupting? Thanks. (On the phone.) She

, I,,, 111 °1 1,1II

keeps interrupting. I know? Right? Mind your manners. I will tell

li lt' 1'1,," '1, lin t hil1l~~~

her that. You gotta go? Are you sure? Okay. No. I understand. Ciao.

1<1\ 111 \ ,\ 11(' loudl y has a crush on you. (Lucy is grabbing for the

(Hangs up the phone.)

EMILY. Who were you talking to?

'1/'11/1,'. )

I l lr \ . ,'S llilt IIP~~~ I do no(~

LUCY. No one you know.

1·' tvl[ 1 V. SI\l' walliS to marry you and have your babies!

EMILY. Was it Mr. Marmalade?

I \ 11'\', I do lIot! (Lucy grabs the cell phone.) Hello? Mr. Marmalade?

LUCY. How do you know Mr. Marmalade?

MI Mol lll l:d;\lk?

EMILY. We hang out all the time.

PM II Y. ! k rnllS( have hung up.

LUCY. You do not!

1.1 J( ~ Y. You weren't talking to him .

EMILY. We go to the mall and get our nails done.

I'~ M II.Y. 1 totally was.

10 11
LUCY. NO YOU WEREN'T!
I " I II 'y 1'111 ,\ h\ ' ~ k i" :1 f~~w minutes, okay?
EMILY. Okay. Chill out. I wasn't talking to Mr. Marmalade. Jesus.
I I II \ (h lli()' II'IIIII'S. flradley appears, unseen by Lucy. He's
l li p ,
LUCY. You don't even know him.
'h}I, J (loIllly flA'r II II: M" rmalade. Nice suit. Shoes. Briefcase. He
EMILY. I've never met him, okay?
I'll 11', ,1/1 Il/g 11I1,11'(llIilillfi .l'flllgiasses.)

LUCY. Okay.
!WA l lI l,\' l ,il I Y.

EMILY. Jealousy is not attractive to men, Lucy. Trust me. (Silence.)

iJ H \ (III , )' 11 ' 1 'll.I' 1 1! III", Bradley.

LUCY. Let's play Tea Party.

IIIU\ III r V "II" , v· ( n,,.v /';isJ on the cheek. Very adult-like.)

EMILY. I want to watch Tv.

1.1 11 \ WIllI[ ,II, \' il lI .I" i ll l', II\;rc? I wasn't expecting to hear from
LUCY. I want to play Tea Party.
\'1111 li Pid ri ll 1" '1 ".1 d ll , wI·de
EMILY. My show's on.
1111 1\11 1 I ' ) 11 \, ~l ll l'd,t1r lias changed. Mr. M was hoping you
LUCY. It's on commercial.
'HIII" I" , IlL' " " ~ Wt't lll" HI.
EMILY. So I'm watching the commercial.
I, Ur \ I',,! I' r!!,
LUCY. What do you think my mom is paying you for? I want a
I} llJ\!J" li \', (bt, ,.111'11' , I'll p~nciJ you in for brunch on Sunday.
Tea Party.
LlI(\ I W!lf i ll" 'Ji lllll)'. dOWIl for tea, would you like some?
EMILY. All right, all right.
fill \ 1 "1 · \ 111.11 w,,,dd he delightful. Do you happen to have
LUCY. Come down here. (She sits on the ground.)
I I" " . Illig ( )")IIII!\(
LUCY. What kind of tea would you like?
I I H \ (Ir , " I II M ' , ( 1(ll7rIIIY si ts. She pours the tea.) I'm afraid I'm

EMILY. What kind do you have?

.II, I, ",1' IrI" dlk,

LUCY. Earl Grey, English Breakfast, Green Tea, Darjeeling Oolong.

[IJI \I ! I I' Y Ntl l',<)!,k ll l. J'v<.:gor somc. (He opens his briefcase and

EMILY. I don't know. Which one is good?

It/I.', III' {'{If1 !'1 it.

LUCY. I prefer Darjeeling Oolong.

,," , II, .,dkv,
EMILY. I'll have the English Breakfast.
" ,, ,i ll l~( " 110 IIl ll h \.T sa ndwiches?
LUCY. Which is also excellent. (She pours imaginary water. Puts in
!LJC\ \V,. "I./ 1',,11 Iiltr IIIH'f
an imaginary tea bag.) How would you like it? I take mine with sugar
II 0\ / II I \ \ . " I'l l ,I ',!', (I I" I IIk eJ one. Eats') Nothing compliments
and milk.
, ' ill' " I I I I 1;1" ,I l ll( III"I'e l' s;)ndwich.
EMILY. That sounds pretty good.
I II 't' 1\IIi,w WII ,II Y(1I1 ',lll.:an.
I
LUCY. Wonderful. (She adds sugar and milk. Hands it to Emily,
II ltA I II I ; V W J1.11 Li 111 (; wOllld be convenient for you on Sunday?
who tentatively sips.) Well?
I I ll Y " " )'I II1 IC would he fll1c. Why are you wearing sunglasses?
EMILY. It's good.
111" 1\ 1\ 1 I' Y, I\ ,.( . III.~\: lIV rays are bad for your eyes. Haven't you
LUCY. Not too sweet?
1" " .1'

EMILY. No, it's really good. Listen, I'm gonna go outside for a few
I I II " . ll '" Ihlrlt 11111 , Bradley.

minutes.
III ' \ 111 F~ W I, .,( l i lil C Oll Sunday?

LUCY. But it's a tea party. (Emily chugs the rest ofher imaginary
11 11 ' ~ I 'HI II ,

tea.)
l\J l \ 1 )1 I' Y, ( \\'I, ilil/g.) Sunday. Noon. Brunch with Lucy. Got it,

EMILY. I finished my tea.

11'" 11, \',," 1111' II, i,; rca and the cucumber sandwich, bur I'd better

LUCY. But I made cucumber sandwiches.

,I 1.,11 I( Ii' 11, (.; tlnicc. (She grabs Bradley's sunglasses. Bradley's got a

EMILY. I'm sorry. I'm not very good at make-believe.

I /011 ,/'il/('I' III/til'l' his right eye.)
LUCY. You're going to smoke a cigarette.
lJj( V. ( ) IIIIIY Cod.
EMILY. I like a cigarette after a cup of tea. Why don't you invite
111i/\I)J FY, II's nothing.
Mr. Marmalade to your tea party?
1,1 I( 'Y, IJid 11<: do this?
LUCY. He's busy.
Il!V\ IJIY Y. I ~dl down some stairs.

12 13.
LUCY. Bradley, did Mr. Marmalade hit you? ~ il OiOlI " rl l1 ' l ~ .,1,'11"111 (II ' r)l'('sslirc at work.
BRADLEY. It was an accident. He didn't really mean to hit me. !l~ 1f I ' WI.,,, '" B'ddlel' lil{(.:? Is he cute?

LUCY. Why did he hit you? 1)1' \ 111 I ~\ . 11",,1\ .,wllll! YOII should have seen me ten years ago.

BRADLEY. It was my fault. I forgot to pick up his dry cleaning, I ~I II' ,'", W I',,:," ,./""11 him. Bradley doesn't take care of himself.

when I knew he had a very important dinner with a client. I knew UllAIJ II ' \ 1\ 1"yl" "' " Iii", ill rhe old days, but I try to stay fit.

he needed his gray suit. I forgot to pick it up. It was all my fault. I! M II,\ W IIoI I ,I" ), ,1 ', 1111' . 111 he doesn't take care of himself? How

LUCY. He hit you over the drycleaning. CiHl llt 1 lill 1111111 ' 1) Jll u,',"..1 , 1.~s i .~ la!1[ not take care of himself?

BRADLEY. He's under so much pressure. You have no idea. I I jC , 11 \ "".'\1\', 'I.I vt IIl1tch sdf..csteem. He gets pushed around.

LUCY. That's no excuse. 101 \ \ 11 " II, (I '"

1111 1 f., i" lm y. That's only half the Story.

BRADLEY. You're not going to tell anyone, are yo u? 11.1 \ ~tl liill d ~ 101 , , ' (' 11i{(' itt' .~ hollid get a new boss and you

LUCY. I think I should. " , /I . \\, fll' JI' 1.

BRADLEY. No! You have to promise me you won't. Lucy, I can't

i lOll ,'" " q' 1'\"1111 1 '0
li!!,lm:n up at work soon. And then
lose this job. \ 1111 1 1' .I\t l I I/ '. , I ~ I ·" i l l· hilll self the way he does all the time.
LUCY. There are things more important than your job, Bradley. UIlJ\ 1)1 f, li lli ,", )',," . I.lllY, Goodbye. (He disappears.)
BRADLEY. Please, Lucy. I'm begging you. Please don't tell anyone. ij L\'. \\ Iii II I W. \,I )' .1111 age [ liked to play line.
LUCY. I won't. But it's against my better judgment, Bradley. fi n \\! tI" 1'0111 I' Ll)' lill <': ?
BRADLEY. Thank you, Lucy. \ 1111 I fI ~ 1 flt l i ll .1 lin e and pretend to be waiting for some ..
LUCY. But if anything else happens to you, if he touches one hair " "1 11 ' I ld , " ,,, \V. lil III, til(' 11I1S.

on your head I'm calling the police. I I h \ I/' I' tl llr"" 1'1 , , ,""d vl: ry CUll.

BRADLEY. It won't happen again. Things are going to calm

I '" ~ "" W, "II I.) II V il :

down. He won't be so stressed.

I '. IIl'.. . t.tl

LUCY. Give me a hug, Bradley. (Bradley hugs Lucy.) II", 111(' . (I!;C)' stand in a line.) What are
\' ' II 1'."1 hol,ill.j
BRADLEY. Well, gotta get back to work. (He puts on his sunglasses.) I" "' f' f",
You're on for brun ch on Sunday at noon. ' I III J,( Iii I" :',
LUCY. Take care of yourself, Bradley. lit , \~, '" .,1 rill' IIiI S .. I:llioil . What bus are you waiting for?
BRADLEY. I will. II" ",,,"I'~' 1 ;.l' v, ·n ,
LUCY. Bradley? 1'1..
I I ' I'. 110 11i iS IIll1nhc!' seven, Lucy.

BRADLEY. Yes. I'll," I J!.IWo\I, il '~ going to be a long wait.

LUCY. Did Mr. M mention anything about Mexico? Plane tickets? I .!"II·' Wa lll 1<1 hllrl your feelings, but you're not very
Hotel reservations? "",.1 "I 111 1 (1 111' f/,I(II/N,I/ rings.)
BRADLEY. Not a thing. I tl' \ WI,,, I ~ li l. ll ?
LUCY. Oh. 1 " 11 1 ' . II '. " I i1Ir.~· . Illy boyfi·ien d.

BRADLEY. But sometimes he makes very important reservations U) f ' \' 4•• " '1',1' I ~ II 'I .~ lIpposcd to come over.

himself. I ~ ~ II I \ II ,'~ all "::ldy ovcr.

LUCY. I'm sure he's already taken care of it. (Emily enters. Doesn't I 11 \ , . Vil li I W" .In: going to have sex!

see Bradley.) I _~ II I \ W,,'J(' go ing to do our math homework. (She puts on lip..

EMILY. Did Mr. Marmalade come for the tea party? ii;. A· ./Ildlit"t', /Ilith her hair.) How do I look?

LUCY. No. It was his personal assistant. Bradley. i lie y. I ~; I "Y,

EMILY. He sent his assistant? . I t.. 111 y, (:" ud . ()he tugs at her breasts, trying to make them look big..

BRADLEY. This is your babysitter? How grim. .,/, 11,1' dr/orb"'l rings again.) Coming. I'm coming! (Opens the door.

LUCY. Mr. Marmalade was too busy to come himself. He's under :(tJ/,~ (' /Jrllll/ds in.)

,14 15

1
GEORGE. Hello, beautiful. (George gives her a big kiss. Bends her t UC;\" I\I Ii ,II ~' I'I '\ ,~( 'III~'h()dy around. Somebody you can play
backwards. Grabs her breasts')
EMILY. George!

GEORGE. Shut up, you love it.

EMILY. The kid.

GEORGE. Oh shit. Hiya, kid. Lucy, right? (Lucy doesn't say any­
thing.) I got a surprise for you, Lucy. (Calling.) Larry!

EMILY. You brought Larry?

GEORGE. My folks are out playing bridge. I have to watch the
stupid fucker. (Calling.) Larry! (Sheepishly Larry enters. He's five
years old.) Larry, Lucy. Lucy, L~rry. (He pic~s up Emily and puts .her
over his shoulder.) Have fun, kids. (He carnes her off, Emzly shrzek­
ing in false protest.)

LUCY. Shut the door. It's cold. (Larry shuts the door gingerly.) I'm

Lucy.
LARRY. I'm Larry.
LUCY. Nice to meet you, Larry. (She kisses him on the cheek.)
LARRY. What are you doing?
LUCY. It's how people greet each other.
LARRY.
In Europe maybe.
LUCY.
In New York, too.
LARRY.
Well I don't live either place. This is New Jersey.
LUCY.
Fine. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel uncom­
fortable.
LARRY. You didn't make me feel uncomfortable. It was unfamil­
iar, that's all. There's a difference. (Larry kisses her on the cheek.) I ~'.l l P\· 11 W.\', lll<. l),.
LUCY. Hey! (Larry walks around the room.) 1, U( .\ I. III', w .1I1 (0 start school.
LARRY. This place is pretty nice. 1.4\1{1!' \, til. II '., 1*'lty cool.
LUCY. It's okay. U,J( -Y. I Ih ,i
LARRY. So you live here with your parents and everything? I \Il IJ \ I 11 ,11/\ 'co do il over.
LUCY. It's just me and my mom. My dad, he divorced my mom I \11 \ \V III"
when I was twO, or something. I \1 1 11' II,. \' ',,, y I didn'r have enough friends.
LARRY. My parents are divorced, too. I "" \ .. ,, '11 !" uh,lllly make more friends next year.
LUCY. Really? t \ 1/11\ I Ill d ~p y t lll just. then.
LARRY. But my dad remarried. So I have a stepmom. And she had I III' I;, ,·~, I,co,d's !lot cool?
George from before so no,,": I have a stepmom and a stepbrother. Do I \ I' !I 'Ii t ~ " ,; I i,\. ~hcn I said I di~n't have any friends - that part
you have any ~r~thers or sisters? Yr II ",I. I II ~I IILlI S lIot why they re making me repeat preschool.
LUCY. No. Its Just me. I I II \ W It.11 (. till' rcal rcason?
LARRY. It's better that way. M ore time to yourself. I AIi II \', 1\·(( >' I.II'o,;l.: l1Y·
LUCY. You don't like George? I, ll Y Wll.lt\ p~lty brceny?
LARRY. George is an asshole. I .A IUtV, SIII;"1 (illle rhieving. That's what the cops call it. Petty

16 17
larceny. I,j\ IWY 11 '." ", lill g I() h,: rh e ~addest thing in the history ofAmerica.
LUCY. What'd you steal? .' ~ I 1) 1" I v, II " 1C" world. I'm going to commit hara kari, like the
LARRY. A bank shaped like a bunny. It had a silt on Its head ,:lill1ll i, I II 1"11.111 . 11111 I'JI still have an open casket and there will be
berween the ears ~here we put money in so at the end of the year L~"{,tll' lt,, I I II~ ,. ( ' Iw, '(()s :l lld choc.olate milk and everybody's going
we could have a pizza parry. But I stole the bunny bank and spent II) (; 1) 1! lrI W il li.!' 1 Ilow grcat my life could have been. Will you cry?
all the money. ,\! '!!.': l'I' i L'1 ti ( " "vv l}'hody else is.
LUCY. What happened to the pizza parry? I.UI~f" i II II y.
LARRY. It was cancelled. J \ Il llV, ' I h,H" ,dl y llil ( ':111 do. Try your best. That's what my step-
LUCY. What'd you spend the money on? Il lllll l I 1\
LARRY. Chocolate. I I II ,~ 1111 )'111 1 W. IIII I() play Doctor with me?
LUCY. I love chocolate!!! l \Ill" I "" 11 '1 Ii II co W. Ilow do you play?
LARRY. I ate so much I puked. I I )t, I, 1 , , •.):. \i'" 'I'(' IIlc patient and I'm the doctor. I examine
LUCY. I did that once, too. 1 '-'t~, I . '.r ;i I. w i lli ~ ilil' IIlallcr.
LARRY. Anyway, that's the real reason I have to repeat preschool I \ 1 II ' . 11,,1 I 10-'" liIH·.

and I just wanted to tell you the truth. (He takes offhis jacket. we I t Jt \ I I ,." .w. II '." ill SI playing.

see bandages on his wrists') , ~\!l!J~V '. 11 (

LUCY. What are those? !:UG\ . I II ,· )l CO IIi shirt off.

LARRY. Bandages. I \ IUI'-, t /,}I

LUCY. What are they for? I III \ • I I" w 11."1 I going to examine yo u with your shirt on?

LARRY. Cuts. J \ 1' 11\ , I ,l il I'1 kllow.

LUCY. How'd you get cuts on your wrists? J.i:hY., (101.· II .. /C

LARRY. That was the other reason I have to repeat preschool. I Lj\ I.~ I ~' . /11'. ( I/,. Id'es it off)

tried to commit suicide. . ' . . I I I" \, \X.' .. 'I '. IT IIIS (.0 be the problem?

LUCY. Oh. I've never known anyone who tried to commit sUICide. I \ I I I r Jl ll lli llg. I l<.: cI fine.
LARRY. Well now you do. I I. II , J'II Il l' .1!;.Ji II , okay? What seems to be the problem?

LUCY. Cool. I \ 11f/\ tyl vw ll.·;I ~ an : kindofsore.

LARRY. At the hospital they said I was the youngest suicidl I t Ie,\ n... llcol wklt's really the matter. Pretend.

attempt in the history of New Jersey. The nurses took my pictufi I \l,{}~ \ I ''' : 1'111 having chest pains.

and hung it in the lobby. 1_IJt,\ • I /1.,1 ~ V('''y se rious. Let me listen to your heart.

LUCY. Why'd you try to commit suicide? . . , .1 1\I.t l\ \ (" 1.1),. (l.ltcy listens to Larry's chest.)
LARRY. Everybody says, "Enjoy your childhood while It lasts, I \ it ~\', \ 0011 'I, ighl Il<.:ed a heart transplant.
and I'm like, "I don't enjoy this a.t all." I'm ~ot suPP?sed to h.ave. I \. I,{.'~ \ 1\ /1'''"1 Iransplant! .
care in the world and all I can thll1k about IS how miserable life H I I 't \ I 11 , VUII have health lI1surancel
How much suffering there is in the world and how there doesn' I \ 1, ln '''/''1 Ih !l r I know of .
seem to be any reason for it. I figured if this is t?e carefree part 0 I I !~ "". "I'I .tI (":Iid there's nothing I can do.
my life then I don't want to see the part of my li~e thats s~ppo~e: ' \I {I{' ,11111 I'~ dic.
to be hard. So one morning before preschool I slit m y Wrists Wit, I I
George's razor blade. But my stepmom found me. It's toO bad. ) \/I, n
II' '"I iii 1.\1(.1 so.
'''-II .~ ( inks.
LUCY. Do you think you'll attempt suicide again? J I I( \ . I \c.dlll care in this country. What are you gonna do?
LARRY. I don't know. I might. If! do, you can come to my funera I ,\ lun . W:III a sec. I do have health insurance. (He whips out an
LUCY. I've never been to a funeral before. Im/ l " l/l fl ll ' ·(lId.)

18 19

I 11:1
LUCY. Wonderful! Let's get you that new heart. (They do a quick

heart transplant.) How's that new heart?

LARRY. I don't have the chest pains anymore.

III.
LUCY. You've made a complete recovery. Could you please slip off

your pants.

LARRY. What?

• HH I W~IN(. CO UNTLESS MORE HARDSHIPS

LUCY. I have to check something out. It's a pOst-surgery thing.

WIH CII loll( Y ENDURED WITH REGARD

LARRY. You gave me a heart transplant, Lucy, I don't see what my

pants have to do with it.

'ff) loll'll IMAC;I NARYFRIENDS, IF YOU

LUCY. Call me Doctor, please. This is how you play, Larry. I'm
AN I·' VEN CALL THEM THAT
the doctor and you're the patient. Take your pants off.

LARRY. Okay, okay. (He takes down his p ants. He's wearing little

boy underwear, prefiraMy red.)

" ~I' ,III" 1,1/ I V "'Y'1111 the couch, lying down, wrapped up in a
LUCY. Cough. (Larry coughs. She puts her hand down his pants.)
"~j I JII( I' I (l11It/wl /.arry sleep. She brushes his hair with her
Cough. (Larry coughs.)
"'"lil 1iI,It/fr)' "/'/'ta rs. He's on crutches. His arm is in a
LARRY. Are you sure this is how you play Doctor?
llli,I' lit I lIi l' II {I(I Mack eyes. H is nose is bleeding. He's in

LUCY. I'm sure.

.tll} 1 /',1'/ I/!II/',',

LARRY. When I was in the hospital it wasn't like this.

LUCY. This is a private practice. (She takes her hand out of his

I I I \', , \ 1, 1' ", \

pants.) I am finished with my examination. You seem to be in very

I I \/ ! 1.1 ' , 11" I ,Ill y.

good shape. I hope the heart transplant helps you live a long life.

I i It ,~ II 11,,1 wlt.tI ir looks like.

LARRY. Thank you, Doctor.

III \ 111 1 \ II" w .Oiddyou?

LUCY. Now we switch. Now you're the doctor and I'm the

patient. (She lies down.)

, I II , I, III Ii I h IPP <..' IH; d. We were playing Doctor­
,ll f, ' t 'ijl.\ Vi lli played Docrorwith him?
LARRY. Okay.

LUCY. Doctor, I'm in pain.

i t ii .- ;. I v' ", I.. IlI'ly. And he's the sweetest boy. He tried to com­
iii •• ,II, "I, I" , ,Iihe' lie said there was no reason for all the suffering
LARRY. Where does it hurt?

.i ,I,. \" '," 1.(

LUCY. Everywhere. You're going to have to examine me from head

I l l tl\ I! U ~ ~ MI', Marmalade is not going to be pleased.

to toe. (Larry begins to examine her.)

,I li t ·"" II , ,1"' '',11', have 10 know.

II j LJ\lll. i t \
II. >I H!I::I right to know. Do you know why he sent me

I, I I I" r"",dltJ opens his briefcase. Takes out a box ofchocolates

1tJ , . 1 11I'11r l ,)
n il \! H "-' IIr w.lrw;d me ro bring you these.

/ 114 \ '1'''I " h ll('~!

' III \I II I ' Y ({,';Itl ill <'; card.

" i It \ I, ,," '( rcad yet.

111 ,\ 1 II (o.V. 1'1/ I'<.:ad it. (Reading.) Dearest Lucy, My heart breaks
I" ~ I \ ' ',I , "'HI 1'111 away from you. All my love, Mr. M (Not reading.)
'\ 11 ,1 d ll 'i 1:1 IlC'w you repay him! (Bradley rips up the note')

20 21
 LUCY. You don't have to tell Mr. M., Bradley. I didn't tell anyone
J 'ji li d \~( ' ,
that he hit you.
J II" ,I I , ,1',(" I.
BRADLEY. That was an accident.

LUCY. So was this. Please, Bradley. Pleeeeeeeaaase.

i li d, il" " flI II I II dll['. wrong?
BRADLEY. Fine. I won't tell him.
rJ'I ! , III I I ') pill iII . 1'111 sorry. You JUSt have to leave.
LUCY. Thank you, Bradley.
li ll ""IY"
BRADLEY. But don't let it happen again.
\I, il llW
LUCY. It won't.
I II "r (lit g, I I ii/', /'111.1' on his clothes.) Can I see you again ?
BRADLEY. Because Mr. Marmalade cares so much about you.
Nil
'

And my favorite part of this job is coming to see you. I would hate
1 111 yill i il ,IV,' ,I IIIIyfi'icllci or something?

for that to change.

10 1 If (

LUCY. I know. You're right. I don't know what I was thinking.

I II
BRADLEY. Good. I feel better. We all make mistakes. Everyone
1. ,1
deserves a second chance.

LUCY. Thank you, Bradley.

BRADLEY. Mr. Marmalade was also wondering if he could

change brunch on Sunday to two o'clock.

LUCY. Two o'clock is fine.

BRADLEY. Good. I'll pencil you in. (He pencils her in.) Well, I'd

better be off. (He begins to wobble off)

II LUCY. What happened to you, Bradley?

BRADLEY. Skiing accident.
II LUCY. You don't look so good. 'I Ii I , ' III ['II go.
",IIITY,
BRADLEY. You should see the tree I hit. I ~ oj \ ",i, ,,11 ~ I;l y another minute. What were you saying?
LUCY. Are you sure everything's okay? lOW 1 1111 III , './011 '1 know if I've ever even been happy before
I
BRADLEY. Of course. I" 1,[ il' i\\, \" " 1' "I1W Ilow earlier I was saying I don't ever get lonely?
111 1 LUCY. You would tell me if it wasn't, right?
Il l r~
I'

BRADLEY. Of course I would, Lucy.

1111 I, . ,I 10 1,

LUCY. Take care of yourself, Bradley.

I IO i loilll' ly :111 rile time. Like always. Like for my whole life.
BRADLEY. You too, Lucy. (He disappears. She waits for Larry to
,oJ!t
l I II ". d III kill myself. But now, I'm not lonely. I'm happy.
wake up. He doesn't. She coughs. Nothing. She drops something on the
I ll • I. '1'P V wilh you too, Larry.

floor with a loud bang. Larry wakes up suddenly.)

., T I., II wl l.ll·~ I he problem? (Bradley appears on his crutches. It's
LARRY. Hello.
"i lit : 1111f ' 11 1,llnif line ofvision, because Larry could see him.)
LUCY. Hello.
11 ·\ "l/lipl ii.::iI <.: d.
LARRY. Did you sleep?
r~ ." II '.; '>i nlplc.
LUCY. No.
I" I r. Y"" don't understand what you're talking about. You
LARRY. I slept like a baby.
,,1 /,," I 'I \ln okay?
IlIlW,

LUCY. You have to go.

I. \/1/1\ \ "'i dfln', wam me to be your boyfriend?
LARRY. What?
~,J '" "", :;orry.
LUCY. You have to leave now.
" ,,,,(I t'J'~ L:l IIJ. No, I don't understand. But I'll go anyway.
LARRY. Why?
J ~ 1'lIlIldll'l have played Doctor with you. I shouldn't have
22 23
III!
 led you on. 11 11 \1/ WI'" VIill l' (i.II C ilp.~rairs?
LARRY. Yeah. Okay. Maybe I'll see you at school. I, 1\ " jI"

LUCY. Yeah. See you at school. (He's gone.) Are you happy?
.!" 11 ­
,1 ' 11 1 "1 , 1 IWi •
BRADLEY. Don't be angry with me, Lucy. I'm juSt doing my job.
i· IIl d 'Iii/III', til ui~~II.~s it with you, Lucy.
u
LUCY. I'm not talking to you right now, Bradley. ' .1 /1 , , 111>111 I . '" j l ~ ...d 1' !'(lln. 1ion.
BRADLEY. Let's talk about it over a cup of tea. Do you have any tea? III \ I I' !I 'I, 11 \ /lill I ():,\() ;llld I've got school in the morning.
LUCY. I'm fresh out. It I ,, ' liEWI !il 1I11, (f! /" 11 /,1/1/I,Ii"tie appears. He smokes a cigarette.
BRADLEY. Maybe I have some. (He begins to open his brieftase but ,~ )
Lucy slams it shut.) 'iJ II , ." t/d'.,'1 '·!.'Y /;,,- lik" ;lllother half an hour?
LUCY. You should leave, Bradley. i'lil ,1 11 1 I', I ,ll' Y. 1 ( : 111 '1. Tdl your mom she can pay me
BRADLEY. We have to get om stories straight, Lucy. Mr. Marmalade
is going to wonder where I've been and if om stories don't match up ' I Ulli\.\ r'hr gor", J

I promise you I'll be in as much trouble as you are. Probably more. I Ait.,~ I ' i A I )I ,,, C oOtI evening.

LUCY. Tell him the truth. I U{;V .1 ilHII',11I w~· w~' rl: having brunch on Sunday.

BRADLEY. Don't be ridiculous. I'll tell him you weren't feeling ' ii' ~ !Ai~J\ I \ 1,/\ 1II :. ~ollle lime freed up tonighr. Thought I'd

well and that I made you some chicken soup. (George comes down I, ' j ' 1,\ Ii d 1111 '\ IIlu)I.

the stairs, triumphant. Emily follows him.) I I I , I, I ~ i " W ldl 111 1,;.

GEORGE. Come here, I need a babysitter. (He pinches her. She " 1 , \l I~ 1 1\ 11\ 1 II ':. YOll 're not happy to see me?

giggles.) ',', l ilt. I , 1111 , II 's !I slirprisc, that's all.

BRADLEY. Okay, Lucy? Please.

I \1'f\ IA I A I )F. Bradky said you weren't feeling well. He

EMILY. Not in front of Lucy.

• 00 u ll )'1 '1\ II/'Ill (; c.hicken soup.

GEORGE. Hiya, Lucy. I Y, , , llI1 lt i f'",~IJ.) That's right. He did .

LUCY. Hello. ;"-11\ 141\ 1/\ 1/\ 1 ll ~. You mind ifI sit?
BRADLEY. You weren't feeling well. I made you chicken soup. II, II.'
H'!I'~ I ,
LUCY. (To Bradley) Fine. ~II\ II " I \ 1 i\ I )E. Thanks. (He foils into the couch with a thud.)
I GEORGE. Did you and Larry get along? ' Iii. I dill' ,', III,,, (/rzkes offhis shoes.)
LUCY. Yes. He's a very sweet boy. ji lt" \\1, 1', work ?
I GEORGE. Where is the little shitbird? tv! \I'I\ I \ l /il)I ':. l;lIcking nightmare. You have no idea.
IIII LUCY. He left. 1' 1\ , \ ' ''11 I ltT ll drinking?

GEORGE. What do you mean he left?

LUCY. I asked him to leave and he left. Unlike some people.

lit ~M I{ "I\
1./\ () E. I had a few after work to unwind. You
! dd i, !(' II 1"1\ : I ('v('r worked a day in your life,
BRADLEY. Mum's the word. Goodbye, Lucy. (Bradley disappears') J I I " i \ ,.,, 1.11\'1 kll ow.
GEORGE. You're fucking kidding me. ~ I J MA 1(" I'" I 1\ I ) 1-'., No, you wouldn't.
LUCY. No. , I II I! 1\' , 1 '"1 11I :ld L' rhe reservations?
GEORGE. My parents are gonna fucking kill me. He's suicidal, 11\ i( r\ t \ I 1\ 1I F . Reservations for what?
you know. r" t\ I, ,." ( ../w San Lucas. First class across the board.
LUCY. He was suicidal. He's not anymore. M,\ I( r\ I" I 1\ I ) I': . No, I haven't made the reservations yet.
EMILY. I'm sure he's fine, George.
GEORGE. Fuck do you know about it? If there's anything wrong II '" !\ i
with him I'm gonna sue your ass, you little bitch. (He goes.)
I"
\,, \ . ,1\ I"oi ng 1.0 have Bradley do it?
\11" I AI )/ ':. Get off my ass, all right? Jesus. I just got here.
10 i 111 1 I 'I II ', l; I! dOWJl and you just start nagging me about Mexico.
EMILY. Asshole. UCy \\ , '" ',1ill gn illg to go, right?

24 25
t'o. ! l{ "IA ltM AI AI >I'.. SIII(, we arc. I'll do it tomorrow, okay? (MI
r1/lll/lI/tillflr up I'm I,it IlIi(:/i,tl.re. Takes out a vialofcocaine. He cuts two
~I: /flil" 1\illl\ II./'II I wenty-dollar bill.)
U JL Y. M I. Marmalade, is that cocaine?
M Ie MARMAlADE. What? I'm sorry. You want some?
I .UCY. No. I don't want any cocaine.
MR. MARMALADE. Suit yourself (He blows a line.) You sure! lI e ll ' l l' V ~'11 1l1illC, I swear.
This is some good shit.
LUCY. I'm sure. (He blows the second line.)
MR. MARMALADE. Hey, let's play House. "Hey honey, I'm
home!"
LUCY. No.
MR. MARMALADE. That's when you say, "How was work?"
LUCY. I don't want to play House with you. I", II, i t Ih ," " d rq )i:l cc menr of me?
MR. MARMALADE. And I say, "It sucked balls. But somebody's 11 111 1 J'II I1" W illi YOLl,
gotta fucking provide for this fucking family, you lazy bitch. "
(Silence.) You don't want to play House with me? , I!I I' . Thne's some­
LUCY. Not like this.
MR. MARMALADE. What do you mean not like this?
LUCY. When you're drunk and high.
MR. MARMALADE. What? Who's high? This is like a cup of cof­
fee. I don't even feel it. Hey, Lucy, I work twenty hours a day you
know? I gotta stay alert.
LUCY. I'm still not playing. '" ! , ~Irry?
MR. MARMALADE. Fuck that. I want to play House. 11 _ ! il U It fll '
LUCY. I won't play House with you. I I I, I, !, I , ,1', III II. y, 1 hI', "I, il. Whar's this
MR. MARMALADE. Then let's play Doctor. Come here. My
prostate hurts. I might need surgery.
LUCY. I'm not going to play Doctor with you.
MR. MARMALADE. My prostate hurts.
LUCY. Get out!
MR. MARMALADE. Fine. I don't need this shit anyway. (He strug­
gles to stand up. He opens his briefi:ase the wrong way Everything folh
out. Filthy porno magazines, dildos, whips, drugs, maybe an injlatablt FII'l, cI.,,·;, 11,;11 mea)) he's fi ve?
blow-up doll with the mouth open for blowjobs.) Oh shit. (He gets 0 11 " ,,1.1
his hands and begins to pick up the magazines and dildos.) These aren'1 I , " " '" II L',') t,; r:l'f.y here, Lucy. You're not going
even mine. I was just holding onto them for a friend. j PII I.II,'1 III IIIIHillc)s lhere's always a compromise.
LUCY. Get out.
MR. MARMALADE. Okay, okay. Jesus Christ. So sorry to dis· I'll ( U 1 back at work.
turbo I'll see you at brunch on Sunday. t l",
LUCY. No you won't. I )1'" I'll ge l help for the drugs. Okay? Lucy? I'm

26 27
 totally willing to admit I have a drug problem. Okay? Twelve-step

programs. Rehab. Just don't leave me.

fl .
LUCY. I'm sorry, Mr. Marmalade.

MR. MARMALADE. You fucking cunt.

LUCY. You're high. You don't mean what you're saying.

MR. MARMALADE. News flash! I've been high since the begin­

ning, okay?

LUCY. I never meant to hurt you. (He hits her in the face. She falls

to the ground. Her lip bleeds.)

MR. MARMALADE. You never meant to hurt me? (He spits 011
!l ll n lf~ M I, M.lrl1laladc.
her. Larry appears.) Who the fuck is this? (She won't tell.) Answer

me, bitch. Who the fuck is this?

LARRY. I'm Larry.

LUCY. Larry?

LARRY. I'll handle this, Lucy.

MR. MARMALADE. You're Larry. This is fucking Larry!!!

LARRY. Shut up, dude.

MR. MARMALADE. Fuck you, Larry. This is private.

~
LARRY. You're leaving.

II:1" MR. MARMALADE. I'm not leaving.

LARRY. Yes you are.

i MR. MARMALADE. Who's gonna make me?

LARRY. I am.

MR. MARMALADE. You and what army?

LARRY. Just me.

MR. MARMALADE. Fuck you, Larry. (Mr. Marmalade takes a

swing at Larry, but Larry dodges it, and quickly puts Mr. Marmalade

into a very painful submission hold.)

LARRY. I'm a green belt in Brazilian Jujitsu.

MR. MARMALADE. Easy, Larry.

:11 LARRY. I can break your arm in five places.

MR. MARMALADE. Let's not do anything we're gonna regret,

Larry.

LARRY. You think I'd regret kicking your ass?

MR. MARMALADE. There will be legal ramifications. That's all

I'm saying, okay?

LARRY. You're leaving.

MR. MARMALADE. Owwwww. Fine. I'm leaving.

LARRY. And you're not allowed to come back. Do we understand

each other, dude?

MR. MARMALADE. Loud and clear, Larry. Just let go of my arm.

28 29

I
 LARRY. ~ hll 1.1 \110 111 1\ ( fli 11/'·,,1/"
LUCY. (:hol o\.' H 111,\11\
I/ It! / 11'1' /i/"I' it was champagne,
over his ,,1'1" Ilr //'f l /I,., 111/1 lI,h, Iii/' S/II' ,, {)r/~ in approval. Larry
IV;
pours tUlII.fi'//.t~/II\ If' 1 l
LUCY. WIL'I ,II I WI I '- i l l ~ ,i l i l', i ll

LUCY. ' 1(, 1\.'\'1 >1 11' ~~ ((/'11' ,//IIl- ,~ /IH\r '
01: WHAf HAPPENED BETWEEN LUCY
LARRY. 'I;, \..'\ 'I ' " lt '~~ '
(1/111 tI,.,,,I,. ) Mmmmm.
AND LARRY: ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT

Good. h\ll, !
SCENES IN THIS WHOLE PLAY
LARRY. I )1 ,1",1\,,"'1"~" 1"II i\ N\tI'.1 ,'1, 1/111 II I' IJIIIIII I"Yf/,,,its'<y her chair.}

P'S. IT'S LATER THAT SAME NIGHT,

LUCY. 1.1'1'·"
EVEN THOUGH IT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE THAT LARRY. " J(l II I' ,1,.,,\ ", h i . ', ;\' I"'\l~ ( I iii I' j l/ll (/ 111 '(,.' (It: her chair.)

YOUNG PEOPLE WOULD BE UP AT SUCH HOURS Sorry, lk.\I·, (i ,lll I' lilli, ,H'tI 't) II" , 1111/1' ' /lJd /1I111- i/ /llIlplr her.}

LUCY. Th,I1I\' \ ' ; '.1 ,I. 1\

LARRY My 1,1,,, ,,,11 1, .I I ([ I , (I lill i' /l1I/fl ltl, 1/1'1 PrI/"T /!I/lw! napkin
Larry enters, He's wearing his dad's suit, It's much too bigfor andputsilllll ,/,jl' /"/1 J \\,'1' '1 ' 1" 1'" (I ,l /II' / , '1111//' IO/Ji.\ s('tJtand
him, He carries a child's record player with a handle, they both Im' '/II /lIllI l",f' .11/1, I,II!I//llfk l ,/111 /
/ 10
' .1 / 1, '!IVY ,'/IIP'" r.l bit.)
LUCY. ( '.(\11\;\ yuH I"" .t " i l' \l h'iqt

LARRY. ()\, ow ,I (I'" /Ioill, I ,It,' 11,,/11,,\ )

LUCY. '\ 'h.lId y"1 1 I \;::C!~,

LARRY. My I,ll '~'I" ,II \I 11 ,/11 II /"1//11 'jJlII!" ./0'' / dJl'l'S1' into his
LARRY. Honey, I'm home!
LUCY. (Offtage.) I'm in the kitchen, honey! JUS( a second. (He
turns on the record player. Greasy French romance musicplays. I suggest mouth. Nol /11 /IIII,I,i" . I 1/ , I' 1"'"' I \i ,/II t' tII/dl,prd , ,'I'fI 1I'l into her
Yves Montand. He opens his suit and takes out a fJig btlK ofpotato chips, mouth, )
preferably Cool Ranch Doritos. He reaches into his sl"(.'IJ(' and takes out LUCY, I I" I VI /,i ll " \ ~'r. , \ 1111' ,'i \\' , , \l ,1I
one ofthose really long licorice ropes. Then anothcl: Mflybe anotho: In LARRY. \" Ii ,III, "

his pants are Gummi Bears, Popsicles, candy ('m ·s. sticles of gum, LUCY. /\, I' yO Il " 'i!yl

Twinkies, Ho-Hos, pork rinds, Funions, Oreos, Nut/u Butters, some LARRY. I till"l, ," .

EZ Cheese and Redi Whip whipped cream. It is ({ rornucopia ofjunk LUCY. I 'll' 1"' II!I",\i

food. He is very proud ofhis dinneJ: wait. The last toud, is a single rose
which he had somewhere in his pants. He cradles it t(, l1 fkrly and puts it LUCY. 1Il1'.1\1
LARRY d, l \. ,' " " il l " I,"", til l d\\~ 11\1 Ihis afternoon.
' "lIy'
in a vase. Lucy enters. She wears the dress her motiJf'r didn't pick and LARRY. 1\ 1\ ",,\ 1 1' " ,,,
most ofher makeup, Lucy walks in high heels whith s/)(: doesn't know LUCY. N\!. I1"II ./'\ I, Ii'
LARRY. YUI"'! '1· pr'
\' 11" I", ,.-;iil W,p,I,,"1 (II :In; you play preg­
how to do.)
LARRY. Close your eyes, close your eyes. (Lucy dOH'S her eyes, Larry nant'
guides her to the table.) Okay, open 'em. LUCY.
LARRY. I'L,y
1)\1\I\) \V"
' 1" III.l,
" "' tI"i 'II''''''' \'/1' ' ,11 1"'I'I,yl 1'111 going to be a
LUCY. Oh my God!
LARRY. Dinner is served. father. \1 '/. ",1111. i II' II
LUCY. Larry! Ie's beautiful. LUCY. () I tl\ l lI '(\ i' \d "i'<;
LARRY. Lee's just say 7-11 was kind to us. LAR1ZY. ' I'h,,\ \ 1',1',\0 \
LUCY. It looks wonderful. Thank you so much. What should we LUCY. VI\l i d.. \ I' , , .. ", \1 11,\. ),,, ,,',, I.,,:;dl ), i..II'I'Y·
eat first? LAR1ZY. ()I I Pill \ , I I" I, 'l'I IY
LARRY. First, a tOasL (He pults out some chocolate milk.) LUCY. I \wnW ,, ', , I,ll "j " •• 1/", \"
;\
30
 LUCY. 1 wish YOII 'tI :,.1), sllIlIo :d,illjJ,' ' [(-1\ me about work.
Edli l . "1Ii 1 1 , i "I'iI ~"
LARRY. 11 W:IS 11110>.
I \ \I~ n \' '' \ll tr , ll,j 1I '"' I,,'i~(" I hope. What are you thinking

LUCY. It W:ISII't 100 h\\sv "

i l" ',i Ii LARRY. II' was linl'. (/I (i/ellil' ,/lui II su.nflower appear. They can talk.)
I \II iiY, 1.1,.,,', 1, lIow if":l baby is what we need right now, you
! ," '\\ I .t.",', Il llClw if" I'm ready to be a father. You know, and I
CACTUS. I k\\o.
SUNFLOWI:.lZ. ( ::11\ Wl' CO!llC ill'
d., l l" 1. ,"1\\1 Ii I r<;:llly wane to bring a child into this world in gen­
CACTUS. Ir's enid.
\' I .Ii, 1,'1 ,dOlll' HOW with you. I'm not very happy that I was born LARRY. Surc. COllie on in. Are you hungry?
.'11.1 01011'1 n:ally feel like I'm in the position to make anyone else go
CACTUS. 1'111 famished.

lit rollgh this.

SUNFLOWER. Me too.

I ,UCY. You're entitled to your opinion. But I'm going to have it LUCY. Larry? What are those?

OIlC way or another. LARRY. Those are my imaginary friends.

LARRY. Fine, you know. That's your choice. I totally respect your LUCY. 1 thought it was going to be just you and me. We're play­
right to choose.
LUCY. Good. ing HouseThey
LARRY. . can play House, (00. It's good to see you. How are
LARRY. Good. Could you pass the Oreos?
LUCY. Here, (Gives Lany the Oreos,) you guys doing?
CACTUS. I'm hungry.
LARRY. Lucy?
SUNFLOWER. I'm cold.
LUCY. Yes, what is it? CACTUS. I'm hungry and cold.
LARRY. Will you feel my head? I think I might have a fever. (She
SUNFLOWER. Me tOO.
feels his head) CACTUS. Who's the skirt?
LUCY. You're fine. LARRY. That's Lucy. We're playing House.
LARRY. I think it might be my uterus,
CACTUS. She's hot.
LUCY. You don't have a uterus. SUNFLOWER. Good work, Larry.
LARRY. Fine, I don't have a uterus. It's just that we don't play LUCY. 1 can hear what you're saying.
Doctor anymore. CACTUS. Oh, Excuse me.
LUCY. Now we're playing House. SUNFLOWER. Nice to meet you, Lucy. You have a beautiful
LARRY. So when you play House you can't play Doctor?
LUCY. That's right. They are two very different games. home.
CACTUS. It looks like a great spread.
LARRY. That's stupid. LUCY. I suppose rhere's ICnollgh food. Even for uninvired guest's.
LUCY. Larry! LARRY. I didn't l([lOw lhey wC' n: coming.

LARRY. What? That's ridiculous, LUCY. ( : :111 I "IT,,\, )1 0\\ P\.IIII :' SOllie' ho(;o\:t( <: l\lill, ?

LUCY. Can we just enjoy our dinner that you worked so hard to CACTU S, Yo'~' I.k.,,!'. 1'111 v ~' l y dl i l'sl ),­
ptovide? SUN I: U )W 1.1t. I 1",,'1' 1'1I'" ,,\..1 \ 1111111, (Si,l' /'11 //1 " ti ll'//! !,IIBI"! fll
LARRY. I stole all this food, Lucy.
chocoilltl' IlIilk, )
LUCY. I don't know what you're talking about. LU CY. W II',tI ~\ "1\ oId IV ' ! I \\I·.[ 1' 1

LARRY. You know I did. CACTI \::-. , 111, 111 1. ,\11'" .0]\1 \.11 .

LUCY. I really don't. SUNI :I ~ ' W I' lt 11. 1\' \ I. " ' I' ! I "Iil il. ( 1/11)1,111tI, lilk)

LARRY. I'm not playing House anymore, (Lany turns offthe music,) LUCY. 1\ 1111 wit II I . , tI , d. , \ "" \'\ .111 . ,\ .. r r1/1,. /,/111111 r tl l /i(T )'

.'I: \
LUCY. We were having such a wonderful time. We're pregnant
m,'.isi/'l'.:I) ()W \1 1~. (1. \1 \i ~. jN dil '~ II Il \"W ,1111 1 loIu l, 1
~I III.
1

.1
with our first child. What's the matter?
LARRY. Nothing. (He eats,)
SUNI I
-- . .1 Ih.
1
1 u
;III 32
't
:\ 11
If
 CACT lI ;-, \ III ~illl\ 1\
CACTUS. Me too. LUCY. Nil I WI III I y lll ' · \i ll I I I .I 11 ~ I,!)II ".\".
SUNFLOWER. Sometimes I think about water. LAR IZY, \ (1 1' V, \,, 11 1'., V I 011 III ,li d ill \ ,,1,1 " ,III ,I\ltl chain,
CACTUS. I think about water all the time.
LUCY, Y(lI,I ,I(I I jll l\
LARRY. We're playing House.
CACTUS. I've never played House. LARIZY, WI",, )
LARRY. It's easy. LUCY, ( : 1'\ ,"11
LARIZY , 111\1
SUNFLOWER. We usually play Cowboys and Indians. I'm always LUCY, 1.1\111 '1 "".11, 1 I i! 1.\ 1\ l1fll l ~' Wid , )"" ',I " V I""I( ' .
the Indian.
LARRY. Just make something up. LARRY. 11\11
CACTUS. Like what? LUCY. No 1'111.', .
LARRY, (lill '' 1 ~ 1I1 10 1 1''\
LARRY. Like a job.
w~ ~ !\I}
LUCY. 11 \ ;111111t1I, ''\
CACTUS. Oh. Okay. I'm a stuntman. LARRY, W\l :1 1 :tlHIIII 11 11' 1, .lll y' " III H!hll l\ ' \01 '." "11 '1 In !' Ih e
SUNFLOWER. I make submarines.
LUCY. That's very interesting. Larry is a banker. He makes a very sake of tile ballY?
LUCY. It's 110t e ve ll y O\l I'~.
good salary and great benefits.
SUNFLOWER, Cuckold ed.
LARRY. Lucy! CACTUS . That's some cold shit .
LUCY. What? It's true, isn't it? We're among friends. They can LARRY. I'll see you plantS 1a1 t.'1.
know how successful you are, can't they?
SUNFLOWER. Good ni ght.
LARRY. I guess so. CACTUS. Don't let til(" b,'(\1'" 1'." hll '
LUCY. What have you plants been reading? SUNFLOWER, 1 \1:1\( , 1,,·(11" 11','"

CACTUS. I don't know how to read.

CACTUS. Me too.

SUNFLOWER. I can read my name.

SUNFLOWFK M ~ !Ill I;" ,

LUCY. Larry just finished The Sound and The Fury. It's a very dif­
CACT US , M(, I"" 1

ficult book by William Faulkner. (One ofthe plants throws a piece of SUNF1.()W I' lt W II ,I\ \ "dh , I ,(li (
food.) Do you know who William Faulkner is?
CACTUS, I dqll'! \ Il IO W

CACTUS. Don't throw that at me, dick. SUN I;\,(..)W I-II. 1\ 11 11 1 1\\ 11 ,

SUNFLOWER. You're the dick.

LARIZY, U1\ , tl lI)'I ' 1',, 11 1

CACTUS. You're dickless. (They throw food at each other.)

LUCY, N. " I ,II I)

LUCY. Larry, stop them. LAIUZY 1\1 ' " ,1 1\', l l!l II \, l q 1' \111 '" lil lt lll S .11'<': did<s, I shouldn't
LARRY. Hey guys, take it easy. hav\' i ll vill·d II" II' ,.\'" i "' 1,1' I 11,,11',,1 Willi II ~ .

CACTUS and SUNFLOWER. Dick! (They throw food at Larry.

U.I<~y Y'll\ ~ 1' "I1 I .1 I"('
I ,ll'
Larry throws food back.) U\H.lJ,."Y \VI I ,II I" I,' .. I'" """ 1", ' I',l W,' l:II' phy Cowboys and
LARRY. You're the dicks! (It quickly turns into a full fledged food
lndi ,' m ­
fight. It's really messy. The vase with the flower get knocked to the
ground and breaks. Everybody stops') U H 'Y t lu,

U \l u\Y 1- " 1' H.d il'lh\" I

LUCY. Get out.

CACTUS. I'm sorry.

Lj\IU{~
LUl 'Y t4 .1

I b'IO 'c\! ,i",,1 It'lvi) '''I'I.,y ,Inylhing at all. We can just

SUNFLOWER. It was his fault.
sir it !.'I'· \\ 1 0\ " ", • " \' I•• I/C" ,,, I.ilk,

LUCY. Get the fuck out of my house. (The plants start crying.)
1.llt ' V l ,hll,l "i l ~';_ '" 1111' .III Y" IIII'c.l,arry.

CACTUS. We're really sorry.

1./\ IUt \ \,Ii, l ' iLl ' ,; li ~ fil'\ I W, W I"'(: II'I lonely anymore.

SUNFLOWER. We'll be good.

j
34
 Bradley sings in i'/-1'IIr/1 /'1'1')' swr:et!y. Lucy eats for awhile.) Lucy,
moccasins on her fiet.) We did all sortS of craftwork at the halfWay

house. Basket weaving. Pottery painting. Needlepoint. I even

would you do t)1 e' 111<' hOI\()f' ~
LUCY. It wOldd 1)(' III)' pleasure. (Mr. Marmalade and Lucy dance
learned bird calling. I can call a bluebird from fifty yards away. (He
sweetly, slow{y, IIl'I1lIti/idly. '/Zwy lool( into each other's eyes. She buries
does a little bird call.)
her head in his s!JoI/Mo'. .\/1{' r./",.,['('J on top ofhis shoes. After the dance
LUCY. Ir sounds wonderful.
is finished, /.IIIY 1'I1I·1.,io ;llIrI Mr: Marmalade bows. They applaud the
MR. MARMALADE. Take a walk around.

band.)Thallkyo\l, Mr. Marmalade.

LUCY. They're nice. Comfortable. (She walks.)

MR. MARMt\I.t\1 )1 ;.. My pleasure. This is the happiest night of

MR. MARMALADE. I'm sorry.

LUCY. No, they fit fine .

my life.

MR. MARMALADE. No. For before. I fucked up. Excuse me. I

LUCY. Milll: \(lO.

MR. Mt\\ZMt\I.t\1 )\0".. I :tlIlIOSI forgot. Look what I've got. (He
screwed up. I was out of control. That's step nine. Apologize to
whips out .lIlitll' /,1,,"1' li,h'l.d Mexico! Cabo. You and me. We leave

everyone I hurt when I was using.

tonigh t. Fi rSI clas.·, .Ierm s till" boa rd!

LUCY. Ir seems like you've really turned over a new leaf

LUCY. Mr. M:lIlll:tI . l ~ k!

MR. MARMALADE. Are you willing to give me a second chance?

MR. MARMt\l.t\1 )I ~ . Ikldky, go get Lucy's suitcase. (Bradley goes
LUCY. Yes.
upstairs.) Thai will he .tli I~n lonig,IH, gentlemen. Thank you very
MR. MARMALAD E. Thank you, Lucy. (He picks her up and hUg> her.)
much. (They distIN,·,1I 11'111, ,til o(tllt' ,1/11{fthey brought on.) I missed
Are you hungry?

LUCY. Starving. Those plants ruined my dinner.

you, Lucy.

LUCY. You did'

MR. MARMALADE. Bradley! (He snaps his fingers and Bradley

MR. MARM)\U\lil·;. ' 1 ~·ll ihl y. I thought: of you all the time. It

appears with a big boat ofsushi. He looks great. No injuries at all.)

didn't matter what 1 W. I~. doill g o r who I was with. Whether I was

BRADLEY. Good evening, Lucy.

basketweavillj\ or l:tlkilll; 10 Ill y sl'0nsor about OD'ing on bad

LUCY. Good evening, Bradley. (Lucy looks at the sushi boat.)

MR. MARMALADE. Fresh from Nobu. Monkfish Pate with

or
horse. Did YOII Ihill k 11 II'?

LUCY. Yt.:S. t\lw.I)'\. (I/t" "';\'t'S III'r lin the mouth.) Mr. Marmalade!

Caviar, Sashimi Salad, Sea Urchin Tempura, Whitefish with Ponzu,

MR. MARMt\I .t\1 >E. b tlt:11 okay' I'm sorry. I shouldn't have.

Bradley's favorite, Fresh Yellowtail with Jalapeno.

BRADLEY. I love jalapeno!

LUCY. No. It \ ()lety.

MR. MARMt\I.t\\ )\0".. t\1\; yOIl sure it\ okay?

LUCY. Ir looks delicious.

LUCY. Ye~. rill ~ III(,.

MR. MARMALADE. Ir's all for you, Lucy.
MR. Mt\I~Mt\I .t\1 )\-;.. IkLa\ls\: I've wanted to. Before. For a long
LUCY. Thank you, Mr. Marmalade. (He snaps his fingers. Three

men in white tuxedos enter with lots ofroses, candelabras, champagne,

time.

fancy desserts. It's a whirlwind.)

LUCY. I k11O IV. Me I(l(\.

MR. Mt\IZMt\\ ,A\11',. H.u I\ly?

MR. MARMALADE. Roses fresh from the Garden of Versailles.

Candles handcrafted from white whale blubber. lee cream from the
LUCY YOII \.(\1".111'1 t(·Il?

MR. MAIZMt\It\I)\ ,'.. No. I don't know. I thought maybe. I didn't

milk of cows who eat only chocolate.

want to I!,,·t Illy 11(l1'('~' Ill" you know?

LUCY. This is all for me?

MR. MARMALADE. It's all for you, Lucy.

LUCY. I kll()w
MR. Mt\RMt\I .t\1JE. I kd like I'rn going to die when I say good­
LUCY. I don't know what to say.

MR. MARMALADE. Eat. Drink. Enjoy. (She eats') Bradley, if you

bye to y011.

please. (Bradley leads the waiters. Maybe instruments are played, if the
LUCY. Me lOll.

MR. Mt\RMt\I.t\IJl;,. I don't wanr to \eave ever again.

actors know how. A violin. A guitar. A clarinet. They sing a sweet, slow

love song all the way through. It should be the French songftom before.
LUCY. I dOIl'1 wallt YOII to.

39
38
 MR. MARMALADE. When we get back from Mexico is it all

right if I stay here with you?

v.
LUCY. Of course. I've always wanted you to stay.

MR. MARMALADE. You have?

LUCY. I've never wanted anything else.

OF WI lAT HAI)JlFNED TO LUCY AND

MR. MARMALADE. This is going to be great.

MR. MAltMALADF - A SAD AND HORRIBLE SCENE

LUCY. Do you want to have children?

IN THIS Pl.AY WI nell MAY BE VERY DIFFICULT

MR. MARMALADE. I want it all. A home of our own. A white

TO WATCII I:OIl THE SQUEAMISH

picket fence. Lots of kids running around.

LUCY. Me too. That's exactly what I want.

MR. MARMALADE. Everything we were promised is in our reach,

A bfll) )1 a i, " ill I/It' I..ill/Wlt, Mr, Marm alade watches televi­
Lucy. We can be so happy. (Bradley comes back with the suitcase.)
sion. ill' 11'1'11 1'.' II /l Ji/;.!'/,IIII:r. No shoes or socks. He drinks a
BRADLEY. All packed.
chetl/, rllIlIll ', l it' / )t'!' /' I /Ild smokes Newports. The place is filthy.
MR. MARMALADE. Are you ready to go?
Wln ,\'I' I/lt/II IJl Fu'I'. 11i'1'1' (1111.1', Old food. Pizza boxes. At least
LU CY. Yes.

MR. MARMALADE. Let's go.

a ) /{.'I II ' " /11(11'111 ,,(,/Iii ,lIlfl ,e. r i m e ,
BRADLEY. Vaminos! (They go.)

MR. MARM AI .AI )1 '" Will y'lll shUI lh;!, kicll.lp?

LUCY. (()[lilll,(~,.) WII.11I
1

MR. MARMAI AI )1,.. ~IIII' til< ' kid Upl I'm trying to watch TV.

LUCY. (()j/;II/,~I'. ) I " III', II( ,II you, h01l9· The baby's crying.

MR. MAIZMAI.AI) !-.. Ii ' , II'. ( IlI i, \' Ikllow the baby's crying. 1 can

hear the baby CI),illl'" I ",,;1111 yO Il III SlOp th e baby from crying.

LUCY. (( HFl tI,v/) 111 ',1 " .,\·, (J\ld! (.'i/ll' t'1iI/l ts dressed in her mother's

slip, carti",~ I I IlltI»)1 /1 111'1'1' ('11;/1 (I 1,/nIlA'I'I .)

MR. MAIZMAI.AI II '.. I ~,\VI ' til<' kid in rhe kitchen.
LU CY JUSI Idli lit W iLli yllil \<V.III\.

MR. MAR MI\I j\ 1II ,., 1 "" ,1111 Y(JII III ~hul' the fucking kid up.

LUCY. ()II . I ((JliI,I"'1 11\',11 YUI \.

MR. MAI ZMA I Alll ' l ) l l ll lIl', I ' yllil Louldn'r. That kid won't stop
crymg,
LUCY. Sh \' W11 1I'1 '.illl' i Iyi n!" , I '~ : III'I IIIHkrsl':\110 it. (The baby stops
crying.J SIt ~ \ 11 ,\I PI'l I.

MR. MAI I..M!\ I AI) P 1'1I 1I1 \l y. ( ~~'I 11\(' ;1 heer.

LUCY. Wil y dl lll'l y\l1I \',t'\ lI i\ ~' )' III1I Sd l?

MR. MAI{ MA I .i\ III '.. hli 1\ YOII , 1'111 wal chin g TV.

LUCY. 11 \ 1111 l nl lill ll' lI i,d.

MR. M!\ lt MAI ,AI )1 ' "'" 1'111 w ,1I1 Iliil ~ Ihe commercial. Come on,

little 11\;\1\1:1 . ( ;l'1 11 11' , I \)C\' I

LUCY. YOII\/(' ILI,I ""11111'. 11 \H':l' I,

II
40
J
 MR. MAI~M/\I ,/\I )1 ' I ,,1111 , ,,,'I \11 ,11
MR. MARMALADE. Don't give me that shit.

LUCY. Sill"", . ~ Id,l'" 1\, 'I "" I II, · '1'11t'1.

LUCY. This is your last one before dinner.
MR. MAIU\t\ /\ 1 /\ 111 ' WI",'. ,.1" , w."· II I" IL, VI' ;1 kid anyway?

MR. MARMALADE. Fine.

LUCY. Sh ,.' lll w 'I ill\ I II I I ,' 11 11.1 , 1"'\ " >,1"""1.

LUCY. Do you promise?

MR. MAIZ M/\ I /\ 1)\ ' \" 1) ~I",,"d I " IVI 11.1\1.11 , ;,hllrtioll ,

MR. MARMALADE. I promise.

LUCY. You pinky swear?

LUCY. \)011'1 ~" )' iI' dl
MR. MAI ZM/\I 1\\ 11, WI,I' " "I > "1'1",1 1" .1 I ', !I"kill).', killin g me.

MR. MARMALADE. I pinky swear. (They pinky swear. )

LUCY. II W,I~ y. lI 11 ,. \r ,1" ) 11.1\1 ,I lilt !. 1.1I11t1 V

LUCY. If you have any more, I'm gonna call your sponsor in New

MR. MAIH,I\/\I /\ 111 \.11. I II 1\,1 W"', ,

Haven. (She goes. He sLaps her ass.) Hey!

LUCY. You ~.lId ".. " W Ii il , ,, II 1111 . 1\ 1'\lIIM' wilh a whilt; picket

MR. MARMALADE. Shut up, you love it. (She Leaves. Mr.

MarmaLade was crossing his fingers when he made the pinky promise.

fence. Kid ~ 1'111111111 \1. 1111111 1\1

MR. MAl uvll\ 11\ 111 ) III YI I .,,'HIII "I\'

Lucy comes back in with a beer.) Open it. (She opens it. Hands it to

him. He drinks. She stands in the way.) What are you doing? I'm try­
LUCY. Yl'S V OII .1, \1
MR. MAIZ MI\ I /\ 111 ' \'1', "'" \l lI i I III I', wllllh, ill "' )' ",(,"d .. Bradley!
ing to watch TV.

LUCY. Am I standing in your way?

(Bradley ('N"'III' )
BRADLFY. W II ,ll l lI' 1,\" h " \1 111 , M" Mi

MR. MARMALAD E. You're standing right in front of the fuck­

MR. MAIZM I\ I,/\ I ll l .(1 111' "1 ill , ,l ilt! 1',11 \~ ,1 \1," \/ \I,il. I'll, kavi ng.

ingTY.

BRADl.FY. V. '" /.11 (I11.,d',)' ,'f/,\

LUCY. I'm sorry.

LUCY. YOII \ ,II I', h Ivd

MR. MARMALADE. What are you doing?

MR. MAIUv\1\ 1 1\ 1)1' I , ,,-,\ i l " I .~ tI,, >, •.1111 ,III Vlllorl', l.llcy.
LUCY. I'm not doing anything.

MR. MARMALADE. You're staring at me.

LUCY. No, Y' II I I ,,"'i h 'v'
MR. M/\I\ MI\ I I\ I11 II! " 11,1 ;, "" 11 11' 1'0 "' ~ ,'\."I·Y·

LUCY. I just like being near you, that's all.

LUCY. SI ll" " 11 1',1 1" tI II I 1\ ', I l'II 'I~g wtlll H' 111'11"1 ill f\ 11'0\)1" or two.

MR. MARMALADE. Go away. I want to be by myself.

LUCY. Can't I just watch you?

(The b(/IIY 1/11/1 11 1'"'\) "\ 'Ii 'I.~:?
MR. M /\I \lvll\' l 1\ 11I , ' ,I " \II., ,, \'1111 ', III 1.I<t' IWO ,~l'l.ol\ds,

MR. MARMALADE. No. Go away. (He throws beer on her.)

LUCY. I W\ , I\' I ""tl ll' l \1 111 1 "," ,,', II I ,tlll' ,' ~P\ll\l, \. Illrornisc.

LUCY. I understand. I'll let you be. Everybody needs time to

MR. MI\I Uv\1\ 1 1\ 11I 1,, \ ',II" ' ,

themselves. Call me if you need anything. (She kisses him and Leaves.
LUCY. ' 1'111' 11 II I II'.! I" "",,,:,.1," 11'. I C'~ III ,I",

There's a moments silence and then the baby starts crying.)

MR. Ml\ ll.!vll\ l /\ 111 I (" II '~ 11",1111 \1\'

MR. MARMALADE. Goddamnit!

LUCY. 1'\1 , 1, 11 111\' 111 ,111 III' litlli 'n will 1)(' I"': :l\.!liful. (She cleans.)

LUCY. (Offstage.) I'm sorry, honey.

MR. MARMALADE. Put a muzzle on that fucking kid!

You SCI'?
MR. M /\I ~1\ I I\ I I\ I l it '1'\.111 \ II." , III lI' I', h,
LUCY. (Offstage.) She'll be back asleep in a minute.
I 't/ " III I' ll I" MI ' x i ~ \).
MR. MARMALADE. I can't take this shit anymore! (Lucy enters
LUCY. W, ' II I 1',11 1111 I ,1.11\'1 W;I'" III ~~" 1(1 MI'xico with a crying
with the crying baby.} Shut that fucking kid up!

MR. M/\I I.MI\ I I\ I II

LUCY. She'l! be asleep in a minute.

baby.

LUCY. WI 1,1111,1, \ 11,11 1' " wl'I '"I 'VI" VIHI wall\. Even in the after­
MR. MARMALADE. But then she'll be awake in another minute.

LUCY. She's just teething. This will be over in a couple of months.

noons d,, ' W,I\ \'111 1 liI' l I!
MR. MAlt MAi 1\ 111 ' 1'111 'oIllr III phyil\g Doctor with you.
MR. MARMALADE. Go back in the kitchen! I can't hear myself
LUCY. I \'\io ll,'111I1j',)1 1I 10111\111 y ll l'l' d rinking. Do you want another
think.

beer? 1'\1 I"" 1',1 1 ),, '(1 \lI h ltlll I 1" '1'1',

LUCY. I'm so sorry. Just turn the television up. (He turns the teLe­
MR. M/\H,tvI I\ I AII\ '" II '~ Iii" bit:, I.ucy.

vision up.)

U
42
 LU C Y. Ti n 111 ,1 ,1" j I Iii • .I ill , )1;" I'f ~II II bit, (Shl' ldk{'s theblood
LUCY. I'll be quiet. I'll be so quiet. You won't even know I'm alive.

(Bradley comes down with an enormous amount ofsuitcases and boxes.

and 1'111 1'//' 11 II' h I' )
500 1\1 1:.. 111,11 \ lull hlll" '\ II ,II II I !lil ly It l ' " III,\,.
He even carries a bag in his mouth.)

LUCY. \-I ,,, II I I I" 1t '1I1

BRADLEY. (Through a strap') All packed!
SOO KII ' WI1,1I 1\, yllll t!r llll" 1""II i1'I' \\ (1i,,\1"I' .111 ov~r yourself?
MR. MARMALADE. Let's go. (The baby starts crying.) You see?

LUCY. 11 w. ,~ Il lIiI I\u ll III IIIl' lu

That's what I'm fucking talking about.

LUCY. Wait! Wait! I can stop the baby from crying.

SOO I<IF I ~ di ll '\')' ~ I I\ '
MR. MARMALADE. Maybe for a second.
LU CY. Y(',·
SOO KI!':. YIl II ' " i.n l lil' I""d,\. ),,, ,, 1111 hil ly. V,III I,,'w ;r hor<: that
LUCY. No. I can stop her from crying forever. (She rum into the

ketchu\, ' II II " '~ 11 111 11 \ \"111' 1\""'" I ,' . \ h.

kitchen.)

LUCY. ,)11,,)'. .

MR. MARMALADE. Jesus Christ. Do you have any idea what

SOOKI E. 1'1 11 ~I !l11\1' 1 " "1 11 \ II nW wl'l\l 1',1'11, 111111 Y"" ~(HIl(;times.
she's talking about?

BRADLEY. (Through strap.) I haven't the foggiest.

LUC Y. M. Ill l tl il l

MR. MARMALADE. Have you lost weight?

SOO KII:,. 1'1111\111111', II I

BRADLEY. Five pounds. I'm surprised you noticed.

LUCY. 1'11 1 ' (1111 )

SOOIOF.. Y.1I1 Ii, \ 11 I 1\ 11 1" di j\ .l li p I li lt ll·'. " il l ,

MR. MARMALADE. You didn't get all anorexic on me again.

BRADLEY. Of course not.

LUCY. I'll ",,\ 0;

MR. MARMALADE. Bradley!

SOOK II'., WI",

BRADLEY. I'm counting calories. (The baby abruptly stops crying.

LUCY. I . "",I 1111 1111"

500 1, 11' YII I1 1,,11' \ I) . \',lI!'" 1", ,'1111' I',' I 11 . (.';/It ryes upstairs.
Lucy comes back in with blood allover her.)

LUCY. You see? I shut her up. You can have peace and quiet. You
Lucy i,f 1/ /111
can watch television.

MR. MARMALADE. You killed her?

LUCY. Now you don't have to leave. You can stay here. You can

rest. I won't make a sound. Not one little peep.

MR. MARMALADE. Let's get the fuck out of here.

BRADLEY. Yes, sir!

LUCY. NO! (Bradley and Mr. Marmalade disappear. She's alone.)

Don't leave me alone. I hate being alone. (Sookie and a man enter.

They are both pretty drunk. They're laughing.)

SOOKlE. Shhh. Shhhh. (They fall into something. Laughing.) Lucy?

What are you still doing up?

MAN. You didn't tell me you have a kid.

SOOKlE. Go wait upstairs.

MAN. You didn't tell me you had a kid. (The man goes. Sookie

sobers up.)

SOOKlE. Where's the babysitter?

LUCY. She left. Seems like years ago.

SOOKlE. What's that on your dress? Oh my God are you bleeding?

LUCY. It's not my blood.

SOOKlE. Whose blood is it?

.. ( l

44
 MlZ. tvll\ I( 1\ IAI,.\ jJl
bOlnl)..!,\ ,\ III O l\ i l~ W11
VI. it all ;1 \\ ' ;11' (\\1.11111' ,­ "itl ll
I hOI ' e' v',,, " 1111 11 11,, 1
Mcxi(\ , wl' h It ~ • tl .
THE FINAL SCENE IN THIS PLAY M :1I'I11.d ... I. (M. ,

WHICH CONCERNS LUCY'S RESOLUTION WITH U J{Y I h I " . 11 11\

MR. MARMALADE, WHICH ENDS IN DEATH, BRAl)1 )., il' l "111
WHICH IS WHERE ALL STORIES END IF YOU LU( Y I ljl l" ! rl
FOLLOW THEM WNG ENOUGH Do Y"III •.,I'" I I"il ' ,,1/'1'\ 11,/1 k i ll/I) tiN' brief
BRAlll \, Y 1 ,111 ,/ 11f! I r/t )1 Ii,'.l/Ii ti,,, mir.ide
l

case" 1Ir1 ",1. i'I , I 0 1' " " i l,!',)

Morning. Lucy plays with two Barbies. She wears her tutu and note Oil Iii, ,II'"~ I"~
tights. Bradley appears. Maybe Bradley is already in the room. LU( :V . 1'111 \t\l i lt , I \I ' I '
BRAl )U·' t.II 1\. I l Ilt IJ
II ighl .,{and
LU ( :V. Nil I ), ~ t, ~!\ 1 IIIIIllIlIl} l.
LUCY. Get Out of here, Bradley. miln <'11 1' / 1 II,
A M AN . ',11I,t! Ilh ' li ll l1j " ,I , " 1,1"
BRADLEY. I know you probably don't want to see me.
LUCY. You're right.
LUe.. :Y. 1 ,1
BRADLEY. I've come with news.
A MA N, 1111\\\1 , Li l~ r M il }'

LUCY. I hope Mr. M didn't send you on some peace miSSIOn

LU( ~V. Wh 1\

because it's not going to work. I never want to see him again.
A M AN /1, 1\
1110111
UJ( 'y, 11, .\, Illti tI . \ "'1 11,,1'1

BRADLEY. He didn't, Lucy.

LUCY. Then what are you doing here?

A MA N I I ' , \ I 111)\ I.hl .1 (' Iii! !!

LU C Y 1'111 !t il "

BRADLEY. Mr. Marmalade committed suicide.

A MA N .1 \1, ,, 1 11101 1111, ' I I.. II I ,

LUCY. Oh my God.

BRADLEY. I found him this morning.

LU C Y. h'. I ~ dl 1\, ii i. 1".1

BRAI )11 " I h· " tl ll}'1 ­

A M~ N ~ I II "Ii " '1\\' \I \y l!t',i), ; 111" 1'."
LUCY. How'd he do it?

-II" I,,':ill y diFfl:rent. .

BRADLEY. Hara kari.

LU( ,y, I pl .,I, i\ th ,,'" I h"~ \'11 1.11 )' dlll .II\~' 111\ prohably gOing
LUCY. When's the funeral?

BRADLEY. It was this morning. You weren't invited. He was cre­

to (01111,\\1 \ " It " II

mated and I spread his ashes over the Hudson. And then I sang
BlzAI ) 1 I" . I '" 11 1 II il l '.1 I", 1' \

A lVIA N n \, 1\ ' '\" \ ' \ 11.1 \\ ill \1 11 ' 11·\1 ,'"111 I"Dln I had to go?

"Stairway to Heaven." Everyone said it was a beautiful service.

LUCY. It sounds nice.

LlJ( :V, h \1 \" 1 1'0\' " . lI , I\'i \.

BRADLEY. He left you this note. (He reaches into his briefcase and
A MA N. Itll,.\,1 I III I II " II" "'" I"" (J Ir 1\11.,

LU CY. " ,. ~ I I\ I\'

takes out a note. He gives it to Lucy')

BRA!)l LY. \ "" ,. 1.\11 1.1 " " 11 1'\ , ,, "Iill i l ~\l iLid\:. :In; you, Lucy?
LUCY. I still can't read.

LU CY. N,l I \"\'j\~ I"" pl" I' '' I\\.

BRAI)\ .EV. 'n "'I ',, , II I•. I I ' ",v.- \., I,~' 1I0ing toO, Lucy. It was
BRADLEY. I'll read it. (Mr. Marmalade appears, not in the living

room, perhaps in ceremonial kimono.)

BRADLEY and MR. MARMALADE. Dearest Lucy, I had every­ wowln 11111" ~" \" ' 11 1'1',,(111 " , i'I' i ll I""( h.
thing I'd ever wanted. Ll)( :V. W illi , IIhld l.
/
46
SOOKIE. (Offstage.) Lucy!

LUCY. In here! Can you wait two seconds, Bradley?

II, Wl":II ' your
BRADLEY. I suppose. (Counting.) One, two. Just kidding. (Sookie

enters, dressed for work. Maybe she's a waitress. That would be sad.)
, I! I 1111 1,111 III !lIt.
SOOKIE. Good morning. (She kisses Lucy on the head.)

LUCY. Good morning.

SOOKIE. Good morning, Mr. Marmalade! Is he here? Are you

guys doing espresso?

II" aI" )'11\1 1"I V\'?
LUCY. No, Mom. Mr. Marmalade is dead.

SOOKIE. Oh.

LUCY. He killed himself. He committed harey karey.

BRADLEY. (Correct pronunciation.) Hara kari.

LUCY. Hara kari.

WI I
SOOKIE. I'm sorry to hear that.
I 1I!\I l1 !i (J, I i " " ,ll y pp m\ with
LUCY. Mr. Marmalade's personal assistant is here.
HI! ".:-(,1", II ' d , 1'" '.I' ,II :lliolls.
BRADLEY. Former personal assistant.
I,rIP I II, .", ", ,, Il ' I, rcs<.: nr.a-
LUCY. Former personal assistant.

SOOKIE. Tell him hello for me.

1\1
BRADLEY. It is a pleasure to finally make your acquaintance.

SOOKIE. What smells like it's been burning?

il l I d.
LUCY. I burned Mr. Marmalade's suicide note.
,.1
SOOKIE. Goddamnit, Lucy. You'd better clean it up. And you'd
', iii! j I ll' " " 11 111\' "",f" I W.lll i.
better clean the ketchup off my slip before I get home.
tIl j fit'
LUCY. Bob had to leave.

SOOKIE. Oh. Yes. Bob is a friend from work. Which is where I

have to go. Mrs. Ramirez is going to be forty-five minutes late. Can

.. ll.
" ,.,1/,,/11 tI(II /lff·brl NI' has a

you hold down the fort until then?

bl,/I'l' 1)'1 ,
LUCY. I think I can handle it.
I.AH.R\ I Ii, 1,'('
SOOKIE. I'll see you at six tonight. (She goes.)
1.l J( Y Ii i I,. ,
II' \ ." 'v.'l d
LUCY. What are you going to do now, Bradley?
I.A Im\
BRADLEY. I haven't the foggiest. I feel like a ship lost at sea. I
BI U\1 111 '
don't even have a reference from Mr. Marmalade. The job market
1.1I( ·V " il! Iiii' li ll ' \\1" '.
is horrible with this economy. (Sookie comes back in.)
H1Z AI li 1.\ (\ 1 , tI'l!
SOOKIE. Lucy, there's a boy outside. Says his name's Larry. Do
LI lt '\ !'i t I,d I\f ,~i-'I q',

B1ZA I ,\ \" ,'"" IUII) ld jili ! II ' "I" lc d., Gil d"HII 1.1,11' k eye, (Bradley

you know a boy named Larry?

I/JII/ ,II, J""" i.)

I, ", )" ''' 1" ,'\1 w:lI, III )' Iw\L. I was up
g 01'1
LUCY. I did a long time ago. What's he want?
I.A IZl tY I '" I ,il i. , I I , ,, ,I H'
SOOKIE. He was wondering if you'd like to go outside and play.
Oil ,1 .1 11 , 111 11 1 1\ '1 111 " '!j'I " ,I ,, 1 ,011 111 ,11 ), ,It'd,- I was about to
111
LUCY. Did he mention what he'd be playing exactly?
ki, k ti ll \ l"tI , " II ! 1,111 11 di .. \, i " " wi"',, \ : "I11'g{' 1.. ()\lI<':S in and he's
SOOKIE. I think he said Dodgeball.
like, "Willi, tI" 111\ 1 ,I . 11 )1 ' ,'Ill "'l'" I .,11 )'1 " .11,(11)(.: lOok me down
LUCY. Dodgeball. I've never played it.

alld \,, ';' , III , ' ii ' II " , \. I" Ii I 1'- " 1 tI,l,. I,L" k c),,"
BRADLEY. It's a good game. You should play.

I"
48
LUCY. I'm sorry George beat you up.

LARRY. No, it was good. I was happy. Because I realized when he

was beating me up that I didn't want to die. And that I wanted to

., II" IlH"
come by this morning to see if you wanted to play Dodgeball but
Bri,·I, .11
I totally understand if you don't because you've gOt company and
BlTl li" 1 I Il l' I ilL!
all. But the thing is we can do it some other time, because­
Bowl ,t! j llll' lIfi
LUCY. - I'm going to play Dodgeball with you, Larry.
H;lid" 'Hi l
LARRY. You are?
C,·III,I I"d 1111 1 '~' i d
LUCY. I am.
Bri,·I. I I wil li I
(:;11111, \11 \1
LARRY. Cool. Okay. I'll just wait outside.

LUCY. Okay.
Cill,.lIlil . l ll j,l : 1
LARRY. Okay. See you in a minute.
Rl'l' Jld l·l ,
LUCY. See you in a minute. {He goes outside.} Bradley, you can
J\II,1, 1"".1
(;1:1:. ·,1", 11 'i ,I !!1
come back. {Bradley comes back.}

BRADLEY. He certainly was talkative, wasn't he?

1 i';1"I. IJ 'I' ~li i,l
l.e: d I Ii, ,~ . I
LUCY. He had a lot to say.

BRADLEY. You're going to play Dodgeball with him?

LUCY. Yes.

BRADLEY. I think you're going to like it. It's a good game.

LUCY. How do I look?

BRADLEY. You look beautiful.

SlIil' 1'1

LUCY. Thank you, Bradley. {Bradley helps her with her coat.}
1) ('l' l , • '1 1I " .l
1hl,\l llj , 111'III1 'iI
BRADLEY. Do you want me to stay here?

1\<."<" 1
LUCY. If you would like to.

1), i, II , 1 ~1 II I , III!'
BRADLEY. I would.

LUCY. Just make yourself at home.

Y,:IIIl \\' \ I I \I
BRADLEY. Okay.

LUCY. So, I'll see you later.

BRADLEY. See you later. {She goes. Bradley walks around the room.

Touches the forniture. Straightem things up a bit. He takes off his

shoes. Sees the La-Z-Boy. Gets on it. Pulfs the lever to recline and then

again to return upright. He does this a couple times, having a hoo-ha

ofa time. We see Lucy outside the houseplaying Dodgeball. She's happy.

Bradley lies back as the lights slowly fade. Maybe Bradley sings during

the curtain calf like in Twelfth Night.}

End of Play

J I
50

 ished. He turns it off. [If Mr. Marmalade needs more time to get the
LUCY. I was here with you, Larry, but I was still lonely.
stage clean here is some more for him to say: "Rita was a real charac­
LARRY. Oh. Okay. I'll go. Goodbye, Lucy.
ter. She had a tattoO on her upper inner thigh that says 'Slippery When
LUCY. Goodbye, Larry. (He goes, with his tail between his legs. Lucy
Wet. ' You're probably wondering how I know that. One night we got
looks at the disgusting room. Sighs and begins to clean up a little. Mr.
wasted doing tequila shooters and she pulled down her pants in the
Marmalade appears with a trash bag and rubber gloves. He's dressed
middle of the bar, and I'm like whoa, Rita, you're my friend's girl­
immaculately in his suit')
friend, I don't want to see your upper inner thigh. But there she was in
MR. MARMALADE. Good evening.
the middle ofthe bar with her pants down . Anyway that's how I saw
LUCY. What are you doing here?
the tattoo. Their breakup was a real mess, Rita and Ramon's. She
MR. MARMALADE. Looks like you could use an extra pair of
burned most ofhis stuff, even his antique toy collection which he loved

hands.
more than anything. Like I said, Rita was a real character. '1)

LUCY. That would be nice.

MR. MARMALAD E. Allow me. (He picks up the rose from the floor
LUCY. What?
MR. MARMALADE. Don't worry about it. (He puts the SuckBlow
and gives it to her while on one knee.) A rose for milady.

LUCY. Thank you, fair sir. (She curtsies. He cleans up all the junk
away.) Where were we?

LUCY. We were talking about Larry.

food.) You don't have to clean up, Mr. Marmalade.

MR. MA.RMALADE. I could talk to him if you want.

MR. MARMALADE. It's my pleasure. Who made this mess?

LUCY. Let's talk about you. How's work?

LUCY. Larry and his plant friends.

MR. MARMALADE. How is Larry?

MR. MARMALADE. I quit.

LUCY. We broke up.

LUCY. You quit?

MR. MA.RMALADE. I realized I'm not getting any younger.

MR. MARMALADE. I'm sorry to hear that.
What am I doing busting my hump twenty hours a day? Carpe
LUCY. Yeah, right.

MR. MARMALADE. No, really. It took some getting used to, but
diem, you know?

I think you were good together. Probably better than you and I
LUCY. You look great.

MR. MARMALADE. I went through rehab.

were. He seemed like a good guy.

LUCY. He wasn't. (Mr. Marmalade takes goggles out ofhis briefcase.

LUCY. Really?
MR. MARMALADE. I did detox in Newark. Then I was in a
Hands them to Lucy.)

halfway house up in New Haven for awhile.

MR. MARMALADE. Put these goggles on.
LUCY. That's wonderful, Mr. Marmalade. I'm so proud of you.
LUCY. I love goggles. (He puts his own goggles on. She puts goggles
MR. MA.RMALADE. My sponsor's an ex-junkie. He was blind.
on. Mr. Marmalade whips out a large leafblower.) What's that, Mr.
When he was using he ran out of veins so he shot up in his eyes.
Marmalade?
He changed my life. I'm sorry, you don't want to hear about all this
MR. MARMALADE. It's my SuckBlow 6000.

LUCY. It's really big. (He turns it on and blows all ofthe junk food
stuff.
LUCY. No, it's fascinating. I can't believe you've changed so much.
off the stage. It's really loud and you shouldn't really be able to hear

MR. MARMALADE. I did it for you, Lucy.

what he's talking about.)

MR. MARMALADE. I won it in a poker game. LUCY. Really?

MR. MARMALADE. Of course. It's always been for you. I made
LUCY. What?
MR. MARMALADE. I bluffed. I only had a pair of twos but I just you a pair of moccasins.
LUCY. No you didn't. (He whips out a pair ofhandmade moccasins.)
kept raising and raising until finally my friend Ramon put up this MR. MARMALADE. What are you, a size three?
SuckBlow. Ramon was never much of a card player. But I think he
was sort of happy to get rid of it because his ex-girlfriend Rita gave LUCY. Three and a half.
MR. MARMALADE. You've grown. See if they fit. (He puts the
it to him so every time he blew leaves he thought of her. * (He's fin­
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