6 Tips for Successful &

Gentlemanly Online Dating

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Jordan Zammit.

Tell someone that you’ve dabbled in online dating and they might give you a look like
they’re thinking about which letter of the alphabet would be most appropriate to give
you in scarlet. But really, with the dawn of dating websites, Tinder, and the endless
cycle of clones that come out almost daily, meeting someone from the internet is as
common as meeting a stranger at a bar — at least for Generation Y.

So for those of us single folks who haven’t yet made the jump into this new internet
trend (or have just dipped our toes in), here are a few ways you can give online dating a
try while staying a gentleman.

1. Don’t Misrepresent Yourself

So maybe you were a football or track star in high school and now you’re a few years
removed and about twenty pounds heavier — leave those varsity pictures where they
belong (in a shoebox!), and upload something more recent. While meeting people and
dating shouldn’t be all about vanity, you don’t want someone’s first thought upon
meeting you to be, “Whoa, he looks nothing like his pictures.”

Not only is it insanely distracting, but it’s starting the potential relationship with
dishonesty rather than trust. This also goes for exaggerating, or outright lying, when it
comes to your job, education, or anything you find yourself tempted to say to get a
meeting in person. I guarantee if they find out you tricked them, they will assume
everything you’ve said was a lie.
And this isn’t to say that if you’re overweight, don’t bother. Dating sites have huge
audiences, so you’ll find every stripe and color of person you could possibly imagine,
and by misrepresenting yourself, you could be missing out on the people who like you
for who you actually are. But on that note, not everyone on the other end will be honest
with themselves, so…

2. Temper Your Own Expectations

While getting catfished, or tricked into falling for people who lie about everything (right
down to using someone else’s pictures), seems to be the common assumption about
meeting someone from the internet, it’s really not that common. It does happen though.
This is why you should try to use the internet as a means of meeting people, and use
subsequent in-person dates to get to know them. You aren’t meeting someone with the
intent of going ring shopping if things go well.

While dating sites have plenty of attractive and very successful people, not everyone
will look exactly like their pictures. While I’m not saying you should be expecting a
man in a wig to show up, you should kind of automatically assume that their pictures
were old or edited, or at the least, something that shows their very best light. Not that
that’s always the case, but just keep in mind that you can never truly know someone you
haven’t talked to in the flesh.

3. Take the Lead in Conversation

Maybe you had an incredible conversation online with someone whom you decide
to meet, and then they barely say a word. Meeting a stranger is always awkward, and
online dating, especially, lends itself to folks who are shy in social situations. So you
would probably be doing yourself a favor if you just lead the conversation (if you don’t
know how, study this tutorial), or simply just deal with the awkward first date and see if
either one of you would like a much less awkward second date; remember that it often
takes 3 encounters to really know if you click with someone.

4. Accept Rejection

Does this seem like common sense? Because I have never been more embarrassed on a
date than when I hear horror stories from the woman about other men she’s met online.
And really, most of it comes about as a result of rejection. While the theory behind
matching someone is that you are both mutually interested in each other, that does not
mean you are halfway to dating. If a girl says “No” when you ask them on a date, take it
in stride, and then move on.

Sadly, this isn’t what many men do. You can find an endless supply of screenshots
online from women who were having a normal conversation with a guy, and when she
says she’s not interested, he suddenly drops about every dirty word you can call a
woman in the next message.

This tip also applies when someone flat out doesn’t respond. If you try to start a
conversation and get nothing in return, don’t leave twenty more messages or take it
personally. Maybe they don’t check it that often, deleted the app from their phone, or
just aren’t interested. That’s life. Just be thankful it happened with a stranger from the
internet rather than someone you approached at the bar.

The problem is that talking to people digitally really dehumanizes them. We lose track
that it’s a person on the other end just like us, and we say things we would never say in
person, bad or not, and so we throw out the common unwritten rules of socializing. This
is also why it’s better to meet people as soon as both of you are comfortable, so you can
put a human to the picture.

5. Stay on the Date, At Least for a Little While

When you finally do meet in person, it’s important to be as polite as possible, even if
they look nothing like the image you had in your head. I’ve literally shown up on a date
and only found out when I got there that the person was weeks away from giving birth. I
didn’t leave or sneak off “to the bathroom,” but I stayed and had about an hour-long
conversation, not because I’m a saint, but because I could not imagine someone telling
me to meet them and then just never showing up. Most importantly, you can never be
worse off for simply knowing someone. Even if the date is terrible, you are meeting
someone who you probably would never have met, and your life is that much richer.

6. Try to Figure Out What They’re Looking For

This isn’t as cut and dry as it seems. While there are plenty of people who are indeed on
Tinder and other platforms for the sake of finding relationships, they are also widely
used for hook-ups and simply to further one’s own vanity. But generally, these people
are easy to differentiate. If someone just wants sex they will probably suggest you either
go to their place or they come to yours, so you can “Netflix and Chill,” which is just
code for sex. A lot of people actually have “No hook-ups” in their bio, which gives you
an idea that they’re looking for something a little more serious.

There are also a lot of people who are on these apps and sites just for attention. These
people tend to match everyone just to feel better about themselves and try to get you to
follow them on every social network they have a profile on. They will also never meet
you, because they are simply on there for the ego boost and not to actually meet people.

Frankly, the best way to figure this out is to ask. Not right off the bat, but if you aren’t
sure where things are going, you can ask in the midst of a conversation. If they respond
that they want to meet new people and possibly find a relationship, that would be the
perfect time to ask for a date.

Frankly, online dating can be a bit weird and awkward, especially for folks who didn’t
grow up socializing on the internet. But if you’re single and looking to mix things up a
little bit, give it a shot. After all, the worst that can happen is you have material with
which to write articles about the do’s and dont’s of online dating.
So You Want My Job: Stay-at-
Home Dad

Once again we return to our So You Want My Job series, in which we interview men
about their jobs and ask them about the reality of their work and for advice on how men
can live their dream.

When one thinks of stay-at-home parents, it’s almost always the mom that comes to
mind. The number of stay-at-home dads is on the rise though; they now make up just
under 20% of parents who don’t work outside the home. It’s not an occupation that you
go to college for, nor one you can bone up on with online classes. Nor is it something
that many young men dream of, necessarily, but rather often arises from life
circumstances. It requires almost 100% on-the-job training, and can be just as stressful
and fulfilling (if not more so!) as any 9-5.

This growing demographic of full-time fathers is finding that they can do just as good
(and in some cases better) of a job than stay-at-home moms, and are enjoying the gig to
boot.Bo Pryor is a member of their ranks, and below he shares the ins and outs of being
a stay-at-home dad with us. Bo discusses why he became a stay-at-home dad after
serving in the Marines, how he stays connected to other adults and to his community,
and whether his role has ever brought him grief from the outside world.
1. Tell us a little about yourself (Where are you from? How old are you? Describe
what you do and how long you’ve been at it, etc.).
I’m 31 and I live in Arlington, VA and grew up close by in Bowie, MD, in the
Washington, DC metro area. I’m a husband and father and my full-time “occupation” is
taking care of my two little girls. I’ve been a full time stay-at-home dad since my eldest
was born almost 5 years ago.
2. Why did you become a stay-at-home dad? Was this something you’ve wanted
for a long time, or was it a later realization?
I became a stay-at-home dad because my wife and I decided that it would be the best
situation for our children’s development and for our family’s financial well-being. I was
always comfortable with the idea of raising kids because my mom was a licensed home
daycare provider. That was like having 8 extra younger siblings, so I was well versed in
many of the practical aspects of taking care of little ones. The idea of me staying home
and my wife continuing to work was actually something we used to joke about not too
long after we met and got serious. When we knew we were going to be married, then
the joke transitioned into The Plan.
3. What did you go to school for? What was your job/career before becoming a
stay-at-home dad?

Before becoming a stay-at-home dad my main career/job was as a Marine. I enlisted in

2003 and was fortunate enough to serve on embassy duty, so I got to see the spectrum
of what the rest of the world is like: the dysfunction of an impoverished kleptocratic
dictatorship in Guinea (West Africa); both the beauty and the tension of Jerusalem; the
height of central European urban living in Prague. I deployed to Iraq for about a year
with a reserve unit and then worked for a little bit in Kabul, Afghanistan with USAID.
Throughout that time I was working on my undergraduate degree, although not
necessarily working as effectively as I should have been. My degree is in Intelligence
Studies with a focus on Criminal Intelligence. Basically the Intelligence Studies
program in my school was to develop skills for people working in the intelligence
community or prepare folks to enter it. Ironically, after studying the field for a few years
I decided that I would rather do something else entirely. Luckily, earning the degree
didn’t cost much financially and I gained many good skills from the coursework such as
writing (fairly) clearly and the ability to ask and research good questions.

During that whole period from 2003 to 2011 I would say that the real bulk of my
education came from reading books on my own and just encountering and grappling
with as many new ideas as possible. It is also worth noting that reading a great deal on
my own really helped with earning my degree for a low cost. I CLEP’ed out of just
about everything I could and worked with a community college for most of my lower
level credits. For instance, I read the American Literature for Dummies book to prep for
the CLEP exam and got a good enough score to take care of that class completely.
4. In what ways do you use those career skills “on the job” now? I’m sure a lot of
people out there erroneously think that one’s education is squandered when
staying home.
The discipline learned in the Marines is very helpful for me and my kids: We strive
make our beds every day. Toys and books get treated properly and put away where they
belong. Everyone helps with chores.
For me at least, parenting is a very physical occupation. The physical fitness I
developed in the Marines means that I can have lots of fun on the playground or playing
chase in the field, and I can carry a kid (or kids) around all day. Being able to get to
where the fun and learning are is vital. I don’t mind pushing the stroller on hilly terrain
while walking as fast as possible for a couple miles. It keeps me in shape.
5. On a related note, what kinds of qualities and skills do you think are essential
for stay-at-home dads?
Kindness, curiosity, improvisation and patience are the attitudes I find most helpful in
my day-to-day operations. I need to demonstrate kindness to my children, as that is the
only way I know of that kindness can be taught. If we aren’t kind to one another then
everyone is miserable. Approaching everyone with an attitude of kindness is an
immense challenge, but one worth taking on.

It is really important for me to try to see things from my kids’ perspective, so I need to
be curious about how they see the world. Also, by engaging my own curiosity I can
bring things to their attention that really engage them.

Improvising a “lesson” out of anything, or a game from whatever is at hand, is really

helpful. It is also helpful to be able to improvise a logical consequence for misbehavior
or a distraction to prevent a tantrum.

While I may make a plan for the day, I don’t think any day of my life has ever gone
exactly as planned. Patience is of course the most valuable quality for dealing with kids
(and humans in general), but it is also the most challenging to cultivate and maintain.
Not only do dads need to be patient with the kids but we need to be patient with
ourselves. This job is not straightforward and changes over time, sometimes quickly.
We’re going to have good days and bad days.

It’s also good to know how to cook, breakfast especially.

6. What does an average day entail for you? What does being a stay-at-home dad
actually look like?
Most days revolve around meals, one or two planned activities, and some quiet time.
I’m up around 6am to get ready for the day, see my wife off to work, and make
breakfast before the kids wake up. After breakfast we clean up a little and read a book
or two. We’ll take care of whatever chore we need to do (laundry, dusting, making
bread) and then get ready to depart the house. We’ll either meet with friends at the park,
go to a class at a nature center, or visit the library. Twice a week we have a preschool-
type meetup with some neighborhood friends. After lunch we have some quiet time and
my youngest naps. My eldest is learning to keep herself occupied. I drink a cup of
coffee and work on something on my own.
After naps we’ll run any errands we need to, play some more, and do any prep work
needed for dinner. After dinner my wife will play, read, and engage the girls in some
kind of work until it’s time to get them ready for bed. By 8pm or so the kids are down in
bed and my wife and I turn to any other work we need to do for the next day. We try to
go to bed not too late so the next day isn’t grueling. Hmm, reading that, it seems as
though it’s lots of work. Weekends are much more relaxed.
7. Stay-at-home parents obviously aren’t paid for what they do. Most of the ones I
know, however, do some work on the side or have a craft/hobby that they sell
online to contribute to the household, and just stay somewhat career focused and
economically engaged. Do you have a side-hustle or hobby? Do you feel the need to
in your role, or is it something that each person will come to differently?
I think each person approaches the side-hustle/hobby question a bit differently based on
their own circumstances. My wife’s salary, combined with our frugality, provides for all
of our needs, so I don’t feel the pressure to contribute to the financial bottom line.
However, I know that I need to be engaged with things outside the home and I believe
strongly in continuing to serve, so I am involved in lots of activities in my community.
I’m an EMT and on the board of directors with a local volunteer fire department
(www.cherrydalevfd.org). I am actively involved with our neighborhood citizens’
association. We host a community supported agriculture pick-up site at our home
(www.lancasterfarmfresh.com). Once a month I help out with the local invasive plant
removal effort. Partially inspired by the Art of Manliness, I’ve also been writing a little
bit on my own atwww.mrpryorsneighborhood.com.
8. Do you have to deal with any feelings of emasculation being a stay-at-home dad?
How do other people react when you tell them what you do? How does your wife
feel about your role?
My wife is proud of the way we do things. I haven’t dealt with any feelings of
emasculation as a result of this role. My wife might attribute that to my overwhelming
self confidence (learned in the Marines). Staying in good physical shape and engaging
in hard labor as often as possible also keeps any sense of emasculation well away. Do
male lions feel emasculated that they hang around all day while a lioness goes out and
hunts? Doubt it.
Most folks I encounter respond with either “I wish I could do that” or “I don’t think I
could do that” when I tell them what I do. I think most people can do this work if they
want to or have to. And most people can do this work well if they try. (Another lesson
learned from the Marines: most people can be trained to do most things with the right
motivation.)
9. What is the work/life balance like? Are you able to get adult interaction on a
regular basis? As a relatively new dad myself, I know that’s one of the hardest
parts of childcare!
My main work is my life, so I don’t see much separation regarding work and life. I
imagine this is a major difference from someone who works outside the home. I have
been very fortunate not to have experienced much isolation at any point in my child-
rearing career. Isolation is a very powerful feeling and even the little bouts I have
experienced, say when a child is sick, have made me realize how valuable it is to
cultivate a good network of adults around me. I am very fortunate that my neighborhood
affords lots of adult interaction. There is a good group of other parents and we help each
other out by watching each other’s kids or hosting preschool activities or lunch. There
are other neighbors we visit with on a regular basis as well. My wife and I are lucky to
have a lot of friends in the area from various stages of our life, so we are always
socializing with someone on the weekends.
10. What’s the best part of being a stay-at-home dad?
The best part of being a stay-at-home dad is that I’m able to spend so much time with
my kids. The next best part is seeing how amazing children are and how fast they adapt
to their world. Truth is stranger than fiction, and every day I am surprised by something
my kids think, say, or do (usually all three).
11. What’s the worst part?
The worst part about being a stay-at-home dad is the occasional crisis of confidence. In
the long-term I have to wonder if I am making the right choices for my kids. In the
short-term it’s kind of staggering to think that for better or worse, I’m responsible for
everything that goes on during the day. If we have a bad day it’s because I didn’t
manage the situation well.
12. What’s the biggest misconception people have about being a stay-at-home dad?
That it’s all fun and games and that men need to emulate the way women do things in
order to be effective at raising kids. Stay-at-home moms may do things differently than
me and they are just as effective. Likewise, I do things differently than they do and I am
just as effective. Child-raising is not an innately feminine thing.
13. Any other advice, tips, commentary, or anecdotes you’d like to add?
I see parents and caregivers all the time who have completely ceded all of their
authority to the child. That does a great disservice to the child, as the child has no idea
of how to raise his or herself. We don’t let kids vote until they turn 18 for a reason.
Never ask a child if they want to do something if that thing is something that actually
needs to happen. “Do you want to put your shoes on now, dear?” is an invitation for the
child to tell you that no, they would prefer not to wear shoes ever again and this is a
perfect opportunity to delay departure for 15 minutes. Likewise, ending every direction
with an “OK?” implies to the child that she has the option to disagree. “It’s time to go,
OK?” is the same thing as saying, “With your permission, young irrational person with
no concept of time, I’d like to depart.”
With that being said, it is important to develop a sense of responsibility in kids, even
really little ones. Give kids jobs they can just barely do and they will rightly feel proud
when they do it. Loading clothes into the dryer or scrubbing the bathtub (with dish
soap) is great for this. Helping to make bread or putting away their own dishes are great,
too.
Some extra dad tips:
 It works wonders to have a big fat paintbrush with you when you go to the sandbox.
Nothing else gets the sand off a kid’s face, especially when they are sweaty and crying and
freaking out.
 Carry a bandana at all times. You can wipe down wet swings and slides or blow a nose or
bandage a (mostly imagined) wound.
 Pocket knife is great, too. You can slice salami or apples and show your kids the inside of
that acorn.
 Always carry a pen and a spare piece of paper. If you’re stuck somewhere you can always
make up a game drawing letters or pictures.
 Regular washable markers work great on dry erase boards or a laminated piece of paper for
reusable drawing and writing practice. They wipe off easy with a wet towel.