How To Forget Your Ex Lover PDF

LOVE IS MERCIFUL
FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER
LOVE IS MERCIFUL
TABLE OF CONTENTS
DURING THE EARLY DAYS
GET OVER IT
BREAKING UP AND HOW TO TELL OTHERS
BREAKING UP WHEN THERE ARE CHILDREN
DECIDING TO BREAK-UP
MUSIC TO HELP MUSIC TO AVOID
TOP STRATEGIES TO HELP COPE WITH SADNESS
SURVIVING THE BREAK-UP

BE KIND TO YOURSELF
REDISCOVER YOUR STRENGTHS
FOCUS ON WORK
ACCEPT HELP FROM FRIENDS
LOOKING FORWARD AFTER
KEEP YOUR DIGNITY
PRACTICALITIES
HOW TO FIND A RELIABLE TRADESMAN
SEPARATION WITH CHILDREN
RUNNING A HOUS FOR THE FIRST TIME
MANAGING YOUR JOB
COPING WITH NEW RESPONSIBILITIES
PROPERTY ISSUES
SELL OR RENT OUT- A QUICK CHECK LIST TO HELP YOU
DIVIDING UP YOUR BELONGINGS WHAT TO TAKE
STAY OR MOVE AWAY
THINGS YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO LOCATE IN YOUR HOME
MOVING BACK WITH MUM AND DAD
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HEALTH MATTERS
RECOVERING FROM A BREAK UP
WHEN SHOULD YOU SEE YOUR GENERAL PRACTITIONER
THE WHOLE FAMILY
PHYSICAL EFFECTS
EMOTIONAL EFFECTS
STARTING A NEW RELATIONSHIP
MONEY AND FINANCE

HOW TO WORK OUT A BUDGET
CUTTING COSTS
SHARING WEALTH AND DIVIDING ASSETS
ARE YOU ENTITLED TO BENEFITS?
FIND A FINANCIAL ADVISOR
BREAKING UP AND BANKING
LEGAL
ENDING A RELATIONSHIP
FINANCIAL ISSUES
SEPARATION ISSUES
HARASSMENT AND PROTECTING YOUR HOME
CHILDREN ISSUES
MOVING ON
BUILDING SELF-CONFIDENCE
HOW TO START DATING AGAIN
MOVING TO A NEW AREA
MAKING NEW FRIENDS AND JOINING IN
CHILDREN AND NEW RELATIONSHIPS
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TOP TIPS
ACCEPT HELP FROM OTHERS
SHOW AN INTEREST IN OTHERS
REMEMBER, IT WILL GET BETTER
WAYS TO HELP TAKE YOUR MIND OFF YOUR BREAK UP AND RELAX
BE HONEST AT WORK
HOW TO NOT BE A VICTIM AFTER A BREAK UP
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DURING THE EARLY DAYS

GET OVER IT
In the aftermath of a break up its common to need some time to get over it, but no one
wants to spend more time crying than they absolutely have to. Its not as simple as pulling
yourself together but there are ways to speed up your recovery.
Think of it as a process
Getting over a relationship is a phase, with a distinct beginning and an end. You may feel as
if youll be alone and sad forever but this isnt how you have to end your days.
Relationship break ups happen all the time and affect almost everyone. All around you there
are people who have been through the same sort of thing, picked them up, and started over.
It can be done, so dont get overwhelmed by the size of the task or the depth of your
emotions.
Dont fight your feelings
There are stages that most people go through after a break up and the feelings that come
with them are usually normal and healthy. You may not be happy with all the effects the
break up has on you (who would?) but theyre not a sign of weakness or failure.
You are allowed to be sad, angry and miss your ex. acknowledging these feelings and
allowing yourself time to think things through will help you move closer to the end-goal:
getting over it.
LOVE IS MERCIFUL
Warning:
o If youre tempted to get revenge, dont! You may feel your ex has behaved unjustly
but your responsibility now is to look after yourself.
If you seek revenge you could end up in all sorts of trouble and would you really be able to
respect yourself afterwards?
Keep your perspective
Dont forget you have friends and family who care about you. Even your colleagues are
likely to sympathies if you let them know youre having a tough time.
Turning up to work every day will help keep you from spending your time alone dwelling on
your sadness.
Getting together with friends and family will inject some much needed fun into your life and
should help you relax from the anxieties that come with break ups.
Knowing you are not alone is a great morale booster and will help you remember that
romance is only a fraction of a full life.
Write mostly about the good stuff
Keeping a diary can help you monitor your progress, but its most helpful if you try and write
more about the good stuff.
You can write about how you feel, the sleepless nights and other negative side effects too,
just keep it brief. Try and write down the things that are positive, even if these are only tiny
improvements.
A short entry every day will help you make progress. If you fill it in before you go to bed,
then you can fall asleep with positive thoughts to counterbalance the upsetting ones.
Try to forgive
This is tough, because it will feel as if youre being proactively nice to someone who hurt
you deeply. However, if you can manage to think of your ex and the break up without
wanting to scream or throw something then you know youre making a solid recovery.
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Dont rush it, or pressure yourself. No one expects you to be best friends!
You may not be able to forgive, or it may take a very long time, but trying is the important
part.
BREAKING UP AND HOW TO TELL OTHERS
Splitting up is stressful enough, even before you start breaking the news to your nearest,
dearest, and anyone else who needs to know.
Who do you tell first? How do you get the words out? It may seem like an awful prospect,
but the sooner you tell people whats going on the sooner you will have a support network of
friendly faces that are eager to help.
Start with those closest
After your partner, who is the person you most often turn to for help or a good natter? This
is your closest ally now that your partner has become your ex so it makes sense to tell them
first.
When your best friend (who may also be a relative) is apprised of the situation you will have
the support and encouragement you need to make those other announcements.
Theyre also a safe audience to practice with, as they wont judge you adversely if you
stumble over your words, swear, or cry for half an hour solid.
LOVE IS MERCIFUL
Making you feel better will be their sole interest.

Family (including the in-laws)
Family members need a delicate touch as both sides are likely to be upset.
Your in-laws will see you as part of the family and when you tell them your relationship with
their son or daughter is over it will feel as if youre leaving them, too. If you dont have
children then this may well be the end of the relationship. If you do, your in-laws or parents
may worry that theyll be cut off from their grandchildren.
If your split isnt amicable dont take it out on your exs family. Be sparing with the gory
details when talking to your parents and your exs and make sure everyone knows they can
still see their grandkids.
For advice on telling children read our article here.
Mutual friends
Mutual friends that you met through your partner need not be abandoned just because
youve split up so dont assume you shouldnt talk to them. Even if you suspect your ex has
already shared the news, let them know.
Keep things amicable by not insulting your ex when talking to them and you may find you
continue to be good friends, even if you can only see them when your ex isnt around.
At the office
Your personal and professional lives are split for a very good reason but that doesnt mean
they wont have an impact on each other. If youre going through a major break up it can
affect the quality of your work and the way you interact with colleagues. You may also need
a few days off to find a new home or just get over the shock.
In these cases its best to be honest with your employer. Dont feign a migraine or other
ailment to explain your downtime, just explain whats happened without going into too much
detail.
Your employer will appreciate the update and should be supportive to help you get back into
your routine.
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Your other colleagues dont need to know. They certainly dont need any details! If youre
close to people at work and you want to tell them, thats fine, but remember youre all still at
work.
Dealing with opinions, advice and questions
With all those well-meaning and concerned individuals around youre likely to encounter
some opinions, advice and a lot of questions. These are natural responses and theyre
usually well meant. Unfortunately they can also be upsetting and irritating.
Try to stay calm, and if you dont want to answer any questions then tell people, politely!
BREAKING UP WHEN THERE ARE CHILDREN
If you have children with your partner (or your children are close to their step-parent) it can
add a lot of complication to the break up. They should never be used as an excuse to stay
together though, as prolonging a difficult or dangerous relationship will do your children
harm.
How to tell young children youre breaking up
The younger the child the harder it will be for them to understand whats going on and they
are likely to feel insecure during and after the split. The only life they know is undergoing
massive change and it will be up to the parents to provide as much security and
reassurance as possible.
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Make sure your children know:

o Its not their fault that your relationship has ended
o Both parents still love them
o You will continue to look after them
o You and your partner are not at war over their affections
Tell them what changes are going to occur so they can be prepared. For example, they may
wonder if you will be moving house or changing their school and how much they will get to
see the parent they dont live with. Answer their questions honestly and dont allow any
negative feelings to cloud your judgment or the things you say when you talk about your
partner.
Your childrens behavior may change as they react to your break up. Let their teachers
know so that they can be prepared and keep the channels of communication open with your
children so that you can deal with any problems in a positive way.
Dealing with teenagers
Older children will be better equipped to understand whats going on during a break up.
They may judge your behavior and take sides, causing further pain to one or both parents.
As with younger children, provide reassurance and make sure they know they are still loved
and not to blame for the split.
Avoid talking negatively about your partner remember this person is still their father or
mother and needs to continue having a relationship with their children.
Any decisions you want to make about how your teenagers are cared for should be
discussed with them as they are old enough to have a reasoned opinion. They are also at a
stage where their friends, social life and education are all more important than when they
were small.
Adult children
You could be forgiven for thinking that adult children will understand and cope without any
assistance but that isnt always the case.
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Even with the maturity of a 30 or 40 year-old, the realization that their parents are splitting
up will likely be something of a bombshell.
As with younger children, dont make them feel like they have to choose sides and dont let
them hear you talking badly about your partner.
Making practical decisions
Whatever youre going through, you will have to find a way to work with your partner to
make sure the children are taken care of and dont get caught in any crossfire. If this seems
impossible, seek help from a mediator or relationship counsellor to resolve the situation as
quickly and painlessly as possible.
DECIDING TO BREAK-UP
Deciding to end your relationship is a big decision, especially if youre married or have
children with your partner.
Its not something to be taken lightly or done on a whim, as you could easily regret it later.
Equally, you dont want to fall into the trap of thinking about it for years without ever making
a proper decision. Its easy to procrastinate over something so life-changing.
The difficulties of pros and cons
When making big decisions its common to try and think about them logically and create lists
of the pros and cons. This might work when youre choosing between university courses,
but applying the same technique to a relationship is fraught with issues.
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On your pros list (in favor of continuing the relationship) you might have:
o I get to stay in the nice house
o We wont argue over who keeps the dog
o I wont hurt my wife
The list of cons could be:

o I always feel unappreciated
o She never kisses me when she goes to work
o Im fed up of keeping my job just to pay for all the fancy holidays she loves
Even if its obvious that staying in the same house is less important than the fact that you
feel unappreciated, other pros and cons may be harder to choose between. Some problems
are also easier to fix than others.
Dont confuse material comforts or a lack of boat rocks with whats actually best for both of
you.
What about the children?
Having children with your partner can seem like a big incentive not to split. You certainly
shouldnt decide in too much of a hurry, unless you, your partner, or your children are in
physical danger.
Its common to want to keep trying for the sake of your offspring but when relationships
dont work, the longer you stay together the more damaging it will be for them.
Dont use children as an excuse for staying in a miserable or abusive relationship. Do use
them as a reason to keep things amicable with your partner during and after the split.
Talking it over
Splitting up with your partner is a big decision to take alone. You may be worried about
upsetting them but the only way to achieve a healthy split (or to find a way to stay together
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so that youre both happy) is to talk it through together.

Ideally, the split will be by mutual agreement. Even if its not, you should still be able to talk
things through with your partner so that you and they understand whats happening and
why.
If things become acrimonious then its a good idea to see a counsellor. They can help you
keep calm long enough to understand the situation clearly and work out a resolution,
whether thats to split for good or try again.
Beware of asking others
If youre worried about talking to your partner you may be tempted to ask the advice of
friends or relations.
Dont! This is between you and your partner. If you tell them youre breaking up and they
realize other people knew about it before they did itll be even more upsetting.
Also, your friends and family wont have the same insight that you and your partner do. After
all, theyre on the outside looking in. It may be that theyve always felt this person wasnt
good enough for you but they could be wrong.
Tip:
o Ultimately, the break up is your decision and your responsibility. Dont take advice
you might resent or regret later because you didnt wholeheartedly agree with it.
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MUSIC TO HELP MUSIC TO AVOID
The right choice of music can invigorate and help lift your spirits. Choose the wrong track
and you can plunge yourself into the depths of despair.
It may be obvious, but it is important to try and avoid all of the music that you associate with
your ex, whether it is your song or even happy tracks that remind you of good times
together. Similarly listening to slow, sad love songs isnt a very good idea, and melancholic
classic music will only serve to make you feel even worse.
Top tip: Stick to pre-selected CDs in the car or talk only programmers (e.g. radio 4, Five
Live) for at least a month or until you are feeling less raw. This way you can avoid the pain
triggered by unexpected songs or pieces of classical music played on music stations.
But music has healing properties too. Research shows that certain types of music can alter
your mood in a positive way. If you want to feel happy choose up beat music such as ABBA
and Queen or for those who prefer classical music try Handels Messiah or a rousing
Tchaikovsky piece.
To soothe a troubled mind and help you relax choose Bach, Handel or a Most Relaxing
Classics CD. Pan pipes, wind chimes, rippling water are all soothing and CDs of these
calming sounds can be bought from garden centers.
And whilst you are enjoying that happy music why not sing along as loudly as you can?
Singing releases endorphins which make you feel happy and uplifted and reduce stress. As
singing means that you have to breathe more deeply it gets more oxygen in the blood for
better circulation which tends to promote a good mood.
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So what are you waiting for put your favorite happy tune on your iPod and belt out those
lyrics!
TOP STRATEGIES TO HELP COPE WITH SADNESS
When youre getting over a break up its hard to avoid that empty feeling. The change from
having company almost all the time to suddenly spending long hours alone can be hard to
adjust to. The empty time can easily be eaten up just by thinking about whats gone wrong
in your life.
With time, and an emotional void to fill, here are some good ways to cope with your
sadness.
Re-plan your social life
Losing your partner can make you feel lonely and unloved so its important to make the
most of friends and family.
If youre short on either or both of these groups your social plan should include ways to
meet new people. This could be volunteering at a local charity shop, joining a bridge club.
You dont have to rush into anything. Make a note of activities youd like to try and do some
research to see whats available in your area. For older people, some social activity groups
also offer assistance with transportation.
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Invite your friends and relations to accompany you to the theatre, cinema, restaurants, or
yoga classes.
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Tip:
o You dont have to fill every moment with people and activities, but having regular
human contact and fun will make a massive difference to your self-esteem and
enjoyment of life.
Speak to a counsellor
Although your friends and family can help a lot, there are some times when a counsellor is
the best person to speak to.
Regular conversations (either face-to-face or over the telephone) with someone neutral and
specially trained to deal with emotional upset, can help you regain your emotional balance
and sense of inner calm.
There is no shame in speaking to a therapist, even if your social life is a whirl or you have
more friends than you know what to do with.
Its important that you can discuss your feelings with someone who is supportive and nonjudgmental to help you learn from the experience and move on.
Focus on fun
As well as spending time with others, youll need to get used to being on your own again. A
good way to do this is to find some solo activities that you enjoy.
This could be as simple as re-discovering a favorite author, going swimming, or teaching
you a new skill, like cooking Spanish food by following a recipe book.
Tip:
o You dont have to be in a quiet room to practice being alone. Take your book to a
coffee shop or join a cookery course at your local college, if the quiet of your home
life is too oppressive at first. Being independent but still having that background buzz
of human activity can be a great balance.
Give yourself something to look forward to

Treats are the punctuation of life. If we havent got anything to look forward to then were
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bound to feel depressed and get bogged down in the daily grind of work, or retirement.
These treats dont have to be big or expensive, although being single doesnt mean you
wont benefit from a holiday occasionally!
A weekly coffee and cake at your favorite cafe, or a monthly bowling session with your
colleagues, will give you something enjoyable to think about.
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SURVIVING THE BREAK-UP

BE KIND TO YOURSELF
Self-recrimination is common after a break up. You may be feeling guilty, stupid, or angry
with yourself for spoiling the relationship, not realizing something was wrong, or hurting your
ex.
If you become your own worst enemy its going to be harder to put your life back together
and move on.
I dont deserve kindness
Depending on how you acted during the break up you may feel you dont deserve any
kindness. If a lot of mutual friends took your partners side in the dispute it could be really
hard not to believe this.
Even if your behavior has been less dignified than you would like, that doesnt mean youre
evil and should be hated by everyone, including yourself. It takes two for any relationship to
break down so try not to keep thinking it was your entire fault.
Take responsibility for your part in the break up, apologies if you need to, and recognize that
you are a normal human being who deserves kindness just like everyone else.
I should be doing...
Just because youve broken up doesnt mean you can drop all your other responsibilities.
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Putting in extra hours at work, or job hunting (or house hunting) all add stress and take time
and physical effort.
Turning up late at work may not be an option but you may be able to cut out some nonessential commitments. Coping with a break up can make you feel more tired than usual so
dont agree to attend a party or commit to spring cleaning the whole house at the weekend.
The vacuuming can wait and your friends will understand.
All you need is money to live on, lots of sleep, nutritious food and moderate exercise. Your
physical and mental health should be your main priorities.
How could I be so stupid?
If your partner lied to you or if you knew things were going wrong but thought it would be
OK you may be feeling as if you let yourself down.
Accusations of stupidity are, at best, unhelpful.
Are recriminations becoming a habit? Do you often find yourself thinking about your
mistakes and wishing you could put them right? Its perfectly understandable, but youre
damaging yourself without changing the situation.
OK, you made a mistake and now your relationship is over.
Promise yourself youll be more careful next time and try to think of something more
positive.
Tip:
o This is easier said than done, but keeps trying and it will make you much happier
Why make things worse?

Your heart is broken, so why make things worse? Now is the time when you need to look
after yourself and that certainly doesnt include beating yourself up, trying to be
superhuman, or dwelling on the past.
Try and make time to enjoy yourself. Stay in touch with your friends and family. Tell your
boss if youre struggling to cope with work. Make time to eat and exercise properly and try to
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get some sleep too!
REDISCOVER YOUR STRENGTHS
Breaking up with someone can leave you feeling weaker than ever. Its a failure, and
whatever the reasons behind your split, youre still likely to feel inadequate and unable to
cope.
This is a great time to re-discover what youre good at. It may seem improbable if youve
lost all faith in yourself but there is hope.
Start small
When youve taken an emotional blow the things youre used to tackling can seem like
overwhelming and insurmountable challenges. That is why you should start small.
Think about what you want to achieve and why it scares you or whats putting you off.
Tip:
o You may want to write these down as a list, so you can tick them off as you go and
mark your progress.
If you feel unable to leave the house, try going for a short walk. There doesnt need to be a
purpose, other than to get you outside and prove that you can handle being in public. If you
want to see your friend but you dont fancy a big night out, suggest meeting for a coffee or
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film.
Even small, low pressure activities like these can seem daunting when your world has just
been flipped over by a relationship split. If you keep trying and adding new
accomplishments to your list they will get easier and youll soon find youre on a roll.
Remember your compliments
What do people think of you? Chances are youll have attracted a few compliments over the
years from friends, partners, colleagues and employers. Perhaps youre known for your
diligence at work, or your steadfast loyalty?
Remember as many good things as you can that other people have said to you about your
character. If people say youre friendly and easy-going then tell yourself, I am friendly and
easy-going.
This will help you hold onto your good points instead of getting swept away by negativity
and self-doubt. Unless you think all those people are liars? (Hint: Theyre not).
Make an achievement inventory
Along with all the compliments theres a good chance youll have got lots done, even while
you were devoting yourself to Mr. or Mrs. Ex.
Write down or mentally list your achievements and dont stop at formal qualifications and job
titles. Think about specific projects you worked on and all those times you managed to
cheer up your best friend or did something scary like volunteering abroad.
Go back to old hobbies
Did you once have a love of Sudoku or sketching? Go back to it, re-discover your skill, and
have fun! Your art may not be comparable to Van Gogh or Vettriano, but with passion
comes improvement.
You dont have to be the best, but knowing that you are the best you can be will do a lot for
your self-esteem.
Cut out the cant
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In order to re-discover your strengths youll need a positive frame of mind. This may be a bit
of an uphill struggle when youre getting over a break up and thats OK. Its normal to feel
bad.
Just remember that the more you think in terms of cant instead of can (or could) the less
likely you are to be happy and re-discover those skills and strengths.
Inside, you are the same person and you are capable of doing all the things you used to do
and more!
FOCUS ON WORK
When a relationship ends it can lead to massive changes in your daily routine which could
make you feel like your whole life is spiraling out of control.
The thought of turning up at work and going through the motions every day can seem like
an insurmountable challenge when youd rather be crying in a darkened room. Nonetheless,
work can help you get your life back.
Killing time
Theres no denying that work can take up a lot of time and when our home life is good we
often resent the long hours we have to devote to it. In the wake of a break up however, its
great to have something else that needs your focus.
You may need to take a few days off if the break up is very bad whether thats to get over
the shock or simply to make new living arrangements. After all, theres no point coming to
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work if youre likely to end up crying on the phone to customers or absent-mindedly

amputating the wrong limb.
After that, youll probably find the return to a normal routine reassuring, even if it feels
challenging at first.
Water-cooler sympathy
If youre lucky youll have sympathetic colleagues who will be happy to engage you in all
kinds of conversation that doesnt involve relationships or your ex. They may also be able to
offer advice or encouragement, or just to sympathies and understand when youre having a
rough day.
This is something to be appreciated if your colleagues are kind that means they think
youre a good person whos worth being kind to. Dont take them for granted!
Getting a life
If you do get on with your colleagues then now is the time to think about other social
opportunities. After all, your evenings are probably a lot more empty than they used to be,
so its OK to organize a bowling trip or accept that candle party invitation (even if you hate
candle parties).
You may be surprised how much you enjoy the new company and activities and if you do
bump into your ex its better to do so when youre with friends, enjoying yourself.
Find a new goal
If youre newly single that means you have more time and energy to devote to your career.
Maybe your partner was holding you back, discouraging you from going on that course or
attending that conference?
As long as you remain single it should be easier to focus on career goals. Ask your boss for
more training, chase that promotion, or ask for a pay rise if you feel youve earned it.
Any progress you make at work will bolster your self-esteem and (hopefully) increase your
earnings. You can also improve your job stability, which should go a long way to easing
those money worries that often arise after a relationship ends.
Even if youre struggling to get out of bed
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Dont hate your job just because it takes you away from your darkened room. See it for the
opportunity it is to keep your finances and self-esteem in good shape.
ACCEPT HELP FROM FRIENDS
Coping with a break up in secret will always be harder than if you shared the experience
with your friends. You may not want to admit you need help but a good friend will be keen to
support you and theres no shame in accepting their offer.
Practical assistance
There may be things you need to do that your partner would have done, or helped to do,
previously. This can include house hunting, paying bills, picking up children from school,
laundry, cooking, and grocery shopping ... the list goes on! Suddenly youre in charge of
absolutely everything and the responsibility can be overwhelming.
You shouldnt expect your friends to move in and keep your home life running for you, but
they may be able to help you with lots of chores. This can start during your adjustment
period and go beyond, if necessary.
Dont be afraid to ask for help if it hasnt been offered. Your friends may have held back
because they didnt realize you were struggling or they thought you might view it as
interference.
Tip:
o Make a list of all the things you have to do and go through each item to see what you
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think you might struggle with. If theres something you know you wont be able to do
(like pick up the kids because you have to work later on Thursdays) ask a friend if they
can help.
Even if your friend cant do it themselves, they may think of a solution that hadnt occurred
to you.
Emotional support
Even if youre not a gibbering wreck, you might still need the occasional lengthy phone call
or coffee date to curb the loneliness and keep you stable.
Friends are perfect for this you already trust them, you know you have lots in common,
and youre used to spending time together which is enjoyable and relaxing.
Youre probably also used to seeing them without your other half, so meeting them for
drinks or a film wont feel like theres someone missing.
Finding someone new
If you keep seeing your friends while youre getting over that break up then youll have a
much better social life, and stronger self-esteem, when its time to find someone new.
During this frightening period your friends will be your safety net. They can help advise you
on how to find someone appropriate (and better for you than your ex). They should also
provide encouragement and advice on all the little stressful details like what to wear, what to
say, and even where to go.
If you do find someone you like and it develops into something long term, remember your
friends helped you along the way, and dont drop them like hot cakes for your new love.
Youre not alone after all!
Even if youre the kind of person who usually hates asking for help, you have to realize
youre not superhuman and your friends should be happy to help you where they can.
Dont take them for granted and youll find they stick around and continue to care for you
long after your ex has been and gone.
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LOOKING FORWARD AFTER
No matter how big or bad the break up, the world keeps on turning. Do yourself a favor and
learn to look forward, not back.
The first day of the rest of your life
Was the day you split the worst day of your life? Its easy to forget in those circumstances
that its also the first day of the rest of your life. The sun is still rising and there are still
things that you can do and people who care about you.
Its up to you to make the rest of your life go well, or otherwise, without your ex-partner. If
you hide under the duvet it doesnt mean your life or responsibilities have paused.
What have you got to be grateful for?
If youre thinking thats a rhetorical question, youre wrong! Everyone has things that are
good in their life so make a list:
o Does your cat still make you smile? Check.
o Does your son still call you from university? Check.
o Have your friends and family rallied round and shown their support? Check.
o Is there still cake in the fridge? Check. For now.
You get the idea.
When you see all the things you have to be grateful for in a long list, you should realize that
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even a devastating blow like the end of a relationship cant take everything from you.
By switching your focus onto what you have instead of what youve lost youll be in a much
better frame of mind for navigating the whole getting over it process.
Dont get caught in a loop
Looking back, regretting, and reminiscing about your old relationship are hard to avoid but
too much of this behavior can leave you stuck in a rut.
How are you going to move on with your life if you cant stop re-living those final moments?
Recognize that your negative thoughts are natural but should be limited.
Re-study your list of items to grateful for. Call a friend and arrange a meeting. Go for a walk
and take some bread for the ducks at your local park. Do whatever you have to take your
mind out of the negative loop.
Make plans anyway
You may not feel like planning a day trip, holiday, or even a cinema trip with your best friend
but thats no reason not to do it.
Being upset and single is no reason to hide away or avoid the activities you normally enjoy.
You are still a worthy human being who is capable of doing things alone and with other
people. Its just that you have one less person to plan stuff with.
Tip:
o Dont use your social plans to mask your feelings. Anything you choose to do outside
of work should be enjoyable. If youre not quite ready for that house party or dance
then say so. Turning up and putting on a brave face while youre fighting back the
tears will not be enjoyable. In fact, itll be a waste of a good party.
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KEEP YOUR DIGNITY
Break ups are messy, most of the time. You may feel your ex has destroyed your life and
taken everything from you, but they cant take your dignity. Whether you keep that or not is
entirely up to you!
Revenge at all costs?
o Leaving prawns behind the radiators
o Cutting their clothes
o Spreading malicious gossip
o Sleeping with your exs best friend
There are many ways people seek to take revenge on their ex and although some methods
may feel temporarily satisfying theyre likely to damage you as well as your ex. Is childish
behavior really something you can be proud of?
Taking revenge makes you look petty and immature. Even if everybody agrees your ex
behaved badly, thats no reason for you to stoop to the same level or worse.
When trying becomes too much like stalking
You may think breaking up was a mistake and that you and your ex are destined to be
together. So maybe you send them a text, invite them for a coffee to talk, or even call them
late at night to confess your love.
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Trying to win them back is not inherently bad. But if youre leaving several messages a day
or just passing their house every hour then its gone too far and you are sacrificing your
dignity.
If your ex isnt responding with a definite yes to your initial advances then its time to back
off and take the hint. You may be convinced you belong together but your ex needs to feel
that too. If they dont reciprocate, youll have to walk away.
Throwing your toys
Have you ever seen a couple arguing in public, or when they thought they were alone?
o All that shouting, swearing and red-faced anger isnt attractive or dignified
Before you start throwing your toys out of the pram and having a massive tantrum, stop and
think if its really worth it.
Youll express your rage but you could also make a fool of yourself. Why add selfrecrimination to your existing troubles?
That booty text
Its been a few weeks or months since you broke up and you still miss them and cry about it
sometimes.
Then they text
The text may mention going for a drink. It may also mention that they miss you. There may
even be kisses at the end.
This is probably a booty text. It may also turn up in the form of a phone call or email.
If you decide to agree to a meeting youll have to be prepared for the fact that you may end
up sleeping together, or being pressured to have sex.
This doesnt mean the relationship is back on, it just means your ex is lonely (or horny) and
wants some no-strings fun. If you want the same thing, thats fine. If you want more stay
away youll feel used and not dignified.
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Ask your friends

Its easy to lose your perspective and your judgment may get very cloudy following a break
up.
If youre in any doubt about your behavior, ask your closest friends for advice. They will
have your best interests at heart and can help you avoid making those undignified and
humiliating mistakes.
Recovering your dignity
If youre reading this article thinking its too late dont worry. Dignity can be regained and
past humiliations get forgotten. Just pick yourself up and start over. You can do it!
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PRACTICALITIES
HOW TO FIND A RELIABLE TRADESMAN
In the world of Sods Law it is an absolute given that just when you think things cant get any
worse they do! Whether that is waking up to no hot water, or finding the washing machine
has packed up mid-cycle, you are suddenly left to tackle problems your ex always fixed!
Suddenly you are faced with an emergency and need to find someone to fix it fast. But
where do you start? And how do you find someone efficient, honest and reliable who is not
going to rip you off?
One of the best bits of advice is not to wait until an emergency occurs and you are in panic
because you could end up employing the first person you find. Better by far to sort out some
reliable trades-people in advance to whom you can turn to when things go pear-shaped.
How do you go about finding someone reliable to do a job?
Phone a friend
This may seem old-fashioned but it is still one of the best methods. Ask around amongst
your friends and neighbors and see who they have used and who they recommend.
Most people are happy to pass on numbers and an awful lot of tradesmen get work by word
of mouth. They know that if they do a poor job word will soon get round the neighborhood.
You need to feel comfortable with whoever you are employing, however small the job. For
women in particular, bear in mind you will be alone in the house with the person.
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If the job is one that takes a few days or weeks maybe major renovation work, or complete
room re-decoration - consider whether you would trust the person to be left alone in your
house amongst your valued possessions. You may have to go off to work and leave them
with the keys.
Dont use someone who makes you feel intimidated or uncomfortable.
Local councils
Many local types of council are involved with the Trustmark scheme under which local
approved tradesmen operate in the areas of repair, maintenance and improvement. It is a
mark of quality and shows that the company operates to a standard and employs reputable,
trustworthy tradesmen. The companies are assessed annually by Trustmark to make sure
they are up to scratch.
Anyone you employ backed by this scheme will have been checked to see they are working
legally, have insurance, good health and safety records and customer service.
Local signs
Keep an eye out for work going on locally where the tradesman has put out a board.
SEPARATION WITH CHILDREN
When a couple with children decide to go their separate ways there are often a range of
issues and phases that are to be navigated until the shared parenting of their children runs
smoothly (or at least smoother).
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The main problem is that the exact reason most couples are parting is because they no
longer share the same values about life, raising children, work, family, friends etc. So, once
separated, those differences can seem even more pronounced and its difficult to agree on
anything.
At the beginning there is a huge amount to come to terms with. Feelings of guilt and
inadequacy, coupled with a fear of the future are all normal, but there can also positive sideeffects such as the lack of constant arguing and perhaps a sense of relief that youve finally
reached a decision and can move forward with your life.
Splitting up doesnt mean that you cease to have a relationship and in many ways the areas
you found difficult as a couple such as communicating with one another, reaching
compromises and differences about how to bring up your children, are precisely the areas
that need to be tackled and resolved during separationfor the sake of the children.
Every couple is different but here are some common areas of conflict that many people
encounter.
The Family Home (Minus One)
The party who moves out of the family home will undoubtedly become detached or
disinterested about that home because a) it is no longer their home and b) they must focus
on creating a new home where they can build a new environment to share the care of their
children.
The partner still living in the family home must learn to stand on their own two feet and not
expect support from their ex-partner.
Instead, embrace the changes and rise to the challenge of being alone. Learn how to cook,
decorate or do DIY- you might even enjoy it! And involve the children. It can help everyone
concerned to start anew by creating a fresh environment - paint the walls a new color, have
a clear out and re-arrange the furniture.
Money
A huge factor in most splits and responsible for 90% of arguments is money, especially in
the current economic climate.
Be realistic from the start. Unless money isnt an issue, both parties will need to make
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significant changes to be able to afford to split. Try to have a budget and agree a plan of
action by all means but also be wary that once the other party has left the family home, and
true expense of moving out has sunk in, their priorities may adjust and their generosity may
diminish. Be prepared. Get legal advice about what you are entitled to. There are many
ways to save money and reduce the burden, from Council Tax discounts to child/working
tax credits.
Access
This is an area that is very personal to each family. Some factors to consider are the ages
of the children concerned, their extra-curricular activities and the parents work schedules.
Most of the experts say that in the case of young children little and often is best, which
means regular contact with both parents rather than large periods of time away from one
parent. Include the children in the decision-making if they are old enough. Listen to what
they want.
Access must, where possible, be arranged to cause the least amount of disruption to your
childrens lives. Ideally, especially in the case of very young children, the parent who isnt
the primary care giver should try to see the children during the week as well as on
weekends. Holidays should be shared.
Spending Time Together As a Family
Some separated couples arrange days to spend altogether as a family, in a bid to ease the
burden of the split for the children (or themselves) and create a sense of normality. There is
something to be said for a softer approach. However, be warned that you may be creating
yet more problems and potential confrontation. Putting on a show is stressful and the kids
usually pick up on it anyway. Such get-togethers may just give the children false hope and
prolong the agony.
Life as a Single Parent
Firstly, dont worry. Children brought up by single parents, if raised to be independent and
confident, lead very normal lives and succeed professionally.
Your children may be upset about the split, but once they see that both parents are happier,
and they dont have to see you fight and argue each day, they will be happier too.
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In some ways being a single parent gives you the opportunity to form a firmer bond with
your child (rent) and to bring them up according to your values, when they are with you.
This leads on to the matter of inconsistent parenting. Whilst it is better for both parents to
follow the same overall principles of parenting in terms of bed-time rituals, manners,
homework, acceptable behavior etc. there will probably be some inconsistent parenting, but
isnt that the same in households where both parents are still together? Dont sweat the
small stuff but speak to your ex if you think an inconsistent approach is disrupting your child
or causing them to behave badly.
Resist the urge to over-compensate with gifts and treats for the children to make up for the
situation. Be firm and consistent even though at times you may just want an easy life!
Explain that the new set-up is different and you will need them to be more helpful.
Teach them to be responsible and independent by helping around the house with the daily
chores. Apply this simple rule - Reward good behavior and discipline bad behavior.
RUNNING A HOUS FOR THE FIRST TIME
You and your partner have separated which means you are now living alone. If you were
used to your ex dealing with the daily household activities, you may find facing them
daunting at first. However, rest assured and follows these handy tips so that you too can
make your house your home.
Firstly, nearly all big house-hold appliances have online manuals free of charge! All you
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need to do is find the relevant manufacturers website and have the relevant model number
ready, and then you are good to go. So if youve never dealt with the washing machine
before and dont know where to start, then problem solved!
Getting Started
Where to start is usually the main delay for doing any of the chores! Break down your house
into segments and decided which room you want to tackle first. Walking into the room and
doing an initial clear up is usually a good way to start. Move the dirty dishes into the
dishwasher or sink pick socks off the floor and into the laundry basket etc. Once you have
cleared your surfaces, you will see what really needs to be done!
Equipment for the job
Invest in some basic cleaning supplies. Next time youre in your local supermarket or even
discount stores, have a wonder down the home aisle.
Pick up some sponges and cloths, polish, bin bags and perhaps even a dustpan.
There are cleaning wipes available for almost every part of the house these days, so to
make life easier swap the polish for some furniture wipes. Once youre equipped with the
right tools for the job, things will seem easier and less taxing for you.
Make it appealing
Maintaining the house doesnt have to be a chore. Put on some music and youll find youre
merrily blitzing time away whilst youre cleaning. Ensure to wear comfy clothes that you
dont mind getting dirty.
Whatever room youre in, work your way from the top down
Never vacuum first and then clean the surfaces otherwise all of your hard work on the floors
will have to be re-done, if you can face it!
Time
Set aside at least 2 days a week if you can to give the house of thorough blitz. Otherwise,
try and clean up after yourself as you go. Otherwise, the small things will build up by the end
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of the week and youll find you have an even bigger and messier job to do than necessary.
Make a goal
Arrange for friends and families to come round to your place that way you will have an
incentive to make the house presentable!
Tackling the rooms:
o Kitchen
Your kitchen should always be clean as this is where you are cooking! Clean dishes as you
go so that the dirt wont settle. Filling your sink with hot soapy water and letting your dishes
soak for a while will make the task easier. Or if you have a dishwasher, fill it up and switch
on when full you really have no excuse.
Clean the worktops with your handy surface wipes and brush away any of those crumbs on
the floor with your dustpan or vacuum if necessary. Emptying the garbage is very important.
Make sure you know what day the bin collectors arrive so that youre on time every week.
It wont be pleasant for anyone to allow the rubbishand the smell to build up! Remember
to clear out your fridge every now and then and give that good wipe down at least once a
month.
o Bathroom
Maintaining your bathroom should be on your high list of household priorities. Try and give it
a wipe down every day after you shower. Otherwise you should definitely set aside a day a
week to give it a good scrub. Use your wipes for the sink/bath tub/ shower/floor and invest in
a good toilet cleaner and brush to leave everything spotless. Keep the windows slightly ajar
to allow some fresh air to circulate or even pop some scented candles in there. After a hard
days work, the idea of a bath seems more appealing knowing your tub is clean and the
bathroom smells good!
o The bedroom
Always make your bed every day this seems obvious but its amazing the amount of
people that dont do this! Do this as soon as you get up and ensure to clean and change
your sheets every now and then to keep things fresh. The same rules apply here, wipe the
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surface clean and vacuum at the very least once a week. You may be single now but youll
very soon be ready to mingle, so remember to keep this room as inviting and appealing as
possible!
To keep your tasks at hand, keep a brief checklist and put it somewhere you wont miss
like on the fridge door. Make a list of what you need from your supermarket every week so
that youre always up to date and never out of supply. At the end of the day, the standards
of your house say a lot about you. Maintaining it is not that taxing even if youve never had
to do it before? Start small a do pieces day by day. You need to be comfortable in it, and not
embarrassed to have guests round. You take pride in your appearance, so apply the same
rules to your home.
MANAGING YOUR JOB
It can be tough to face work when you have a broken heart. Your mind wont allow you to
focus on the job, but instead flashback to the time you had with your ex. You may not be
ready to face the world, but lying in bed all day is not going to get you anywhere.
Here are some helpful tips which may help the getting back to work process a little bit
easier:
Kick start your day with some music
A break up can leave you feeling low but it is important you do not wallow around in your
misery. Try something simple like listening to an upbeat song first thing in the morning. A
positive beat can provide you with the urge to have a dance and put that smile back on your
face. No one is watching you so give it a go! Physical activity is the key to uplifting your
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mood and providing you with some energy to help get through the day
Take some time out
It is normal that your ex is going to be on your mind so it is important you schedule some
time out at work to clear your head. If you are feeling overwhelmed, allow yourself time to
breathe. Go to the toilet or get a drink so you can get away from your desk for a few
minutes. Remember to keep the escapes short and when you get back, you should be
more focused on the task at hand. Use your breaks to have a walk outside and get some
fresh during the day. Exercise as well as daylight can be beneficial to both your mental and
physical health.
Concentrate
Focus on one goal at a time. It may not be wise to take on any extra work as you are
probably not as motivated as usual so move slowly until your energy is back to normal. Set
yourself a professional goal each day. This will give you something else to focus on and
distract you from thinking of your personal life. Ensure to stick to regular work hours. If
things do become too much, take some annual leave that youre entitled to.
Keep it professional
You are not going to be able to escape your personal dramas if you bring your breakup to
the office with you. If your co-workers are your friends, talk to them outside of work.
Otherwise, rehashing the gory details may make you feel worse and will keep you from
focusing on your job. The same applies to accepting calls or receiving texts from your
friends. Dont allow the distractions at work, save it for when you get home. You do not want
to be the subject of office gossip, so try and maintain your professionalism.
Communicate
Talking to your boss may help. You dont have to go into details, but if you are struggling at
work, arrange a meeting with your employer. Explain that you are not yourself and that
youre going through a rough time. Let them know that you will be back to yourself soon.
Otherwise they may assume you are simply slacking off!
Dont make any hasty decisions
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If you were stressed at work before your breakup, you are bound to feel worse now you
have the added stress over your head. Dont make any rash decisions with your career until
your head is clear and you have dealt with your personal anguish. Otherwise you may not
be thinking straight and decide on something you may regret at a later stage. Be grateful in
the meantime; be grateful you even have a job! The money you gain from it will provide you
with the food and expenditure you need to heal during this hard time.
At the end of the day, weve all experienced a break up at some point in our lives. Whilst
you may just want to grieve, youll have to focus your energy on other aspects of life to be
able to move on. Concentrate on your job as the routine may provide you the welcome
distraction you need to get back to normal.
COPING WITH NEW RESPONSIBILITIES
Human nature forces us to TRY and solve our problems; it is our way of trying to cope.
Sometimes, problems can be easily resolved by taking direct action. However, whenever
the problem is prolonged, like dealing with the end of a relationship our coping turns into an
emotional focus. We need to take our time to accept the change so that we can restore
ourselves back to normality. Coping with new responsibilities in the house that you never
had to deal with before can therefore be a combination of both problems focused and
emotion focused efforts of coping.
Here are some tips to try and reduce stress in the home:
Take a breather
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Try and find at least three things that relax you and incorporate them into your daily routine.
Even if it is just sitting down in your comfy chair, brewing some herbal tea or listening to
some music, it is important to take some time out so you dont become overwhelmed.
Organization
Things can get out of control if you do not priorities and organize. If you cant find the bills
amongst your clutter or dont remember your security alarm code, it is time you got yourself
organized. Youre new to coping with things alone, dont try and do everything at once.
Spend a little time each day to have a quick tidy then perhaps your house wont be so
cluttered and you fill find things you are looking for without having to empty all your drawers
out! Make a note of important passwords etc. SOMEWHERE SAFE so that you dont have a
panic attack each time you have a memory lapse.
Get a hobby
Walk away from your stress by doing something you enjoy. If the house work is getting on
top of you, its ok youre not on a time limit! Perhaps you need to re-energies by doing
something that calms you then you can come back and tackle your problems with clear
head.
Make time with your friends
One of the best ways to cope with stress is to be around your friends and family and
communicate to them what you are going through. Whether you join them for dinner or just
speak on the phone, they can provide you the morale support you need and perhaps offer
you advice you never thought of before.
If since your break up it is now just you and your kids, maintaining the home can become
even the more daunting than ever. Follow these tips to help you through the day
Have a clear out
You may find your house is soon becoming an explosion of toys. The time comes when
your children do not need their 1000 toys, especially if theyre broken! Donate the things you
can to charity rather than find yourself tidying up after them every day.
Make cleaning a relaxation rather than a chore
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Use the time to wash those dirty dishes as a time to listen to some music, soak your hands
in the warm water and enjoy the calm. Make cleaning an indulgence rather than effort and
you will find your stress levels will be back to normal again.
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PROPERTY ISSUES
SELL OR RENT OUT- A QUICK CHECK LIST TO HELP YOU
The repercussions of a break up can be complicated, especially if property is involved.

Whether you own your home or have been renting, the decision about what to do with it now
you're splitting up is always a difficult one.
If you choose to sell your home and no legal arrangements were made when you purchased
your property, it may be necessary to involve the courts so a fair assessment can be made
when splitting the money from the sale.
Your rights to the sale will depend on various factors including:
o If you and your partner were married
o If you or your partner or both owns the property
o If you have children
o If there is legal agreement
o If consistent mortgage payments were made
o If you paid any of the deposit
o The length of time you lived in the property
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However if you did have a legal arrangement in place, then selling the home and splitting
the proceeds would be the alternative option.
On the other hand, one of you may decide to buy the other out. Whoever keeps the home
will need to refinance the property in their name only and pay a certain amount of money to
whomever leaves.
It may be that you are still responsible for paying the mortgage, even if you do move out.
Keep your wits about you and continue to make the payments otherwise you could see your
home repossessed and sold off to cover the costs. The Housing Rights Service is there to
give you advice if you are worried about mortgage payments.
Whoever remains in the property must inform all necessary authorities such as the Council
Tax Department that they are the only occupant in the household as this will affect the rate
they pay. This person must also ensure it is their name only that appears on any utility bills
so that the other half does not get chased for payments.
RENTING
If you choose to rent out your property, the following must be considered:
o Finance
Renting out your home must work out financially better for you. You must firstly find out how
much rent you can charge and how that will compare to your mortgage.
It is a good idea to understand your market and find out how much rent similar properties
charge. Seek an opinion from a few estate agents who can provide you with an estimate of
how much rent your property could receive.
After doing this, you will have a better indication of potential monthly rent and how this
compares to your mortgage. Keep in mind there will be extra costs involved; rental
commission taken by the estate agents and any maintenance cost for your property as the
landlord it will be your responsibility. Renting out your property will most likely mean you
are moving into a new home; you need to decide whether you are up for the task of
maintaining 2 properties. This may be daunting but bear in mind council tax and utility bills
will now be paid for by your tenants.
o Assistance
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If you would rather not use an agent to set things up, be prepared for the amount of work
involved. If there are any problems with the property, it will be your responsibility to fix things
fast and to sort out ALL of the paperwork.
On the other hand, letting agents can do all the graft for you as well as finding the tenants
and managing the rent. Before agreeing to anything, assess their charges carefully along
with any other hidden extras there may be. Hunt around for a good agent before settling for
the cheapest, it will be worth it.
o Advise your mortgage lender
It is advisable to request a permission to let from your mortgage providers as they need to
be aware that you wish to rent out your property. Explain your circumstances to them and
why you wish to do this and they will most likely let you rent out your home for at least two
years. Be aware they may charge for their permission to do this. Your mortgage lender does
have the right to deny you to let the property out. If you feel they are being unreasonable, let
them know in writing and then if necessary contact the Financial Ombudsman.
o Know whats involved
As a landlord, you must know what is expected of you and what you can expect from your
tenants. You will have to ensure to follow rules and regulations regarding gas, fire and
electrical safety requirements in your property. Use a proper tenancy agreement and make
yourself and your tenants aware of the law on notice periods. It will just make life easier for
the both of you!
o Insurance
Landlords must take out a separate building insurance as the policy differs to that of owner
occupier insurance. You may also have to look into contents insurance as well if you are
leaving your furniture in the property. You can also take out an insurance policy to cover the
tenants rent if they do not pay or something goes wrong. This can be done either through
you landlords insurance or through a standalone policy.
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DIVIDING UP YOUR BELONGINGS WHAT TO TAKE
It can be complicated deciding how to divide your possessions between you and your ex,
but it is an important conversation that you both must have.
There are three ways this can be done:
o You and your ex decide yourselves how to divide your belongings without involving
the court
o You can use a solicitor/mediator to apply for a consent order in court to formalize
your agreement
o If a decision cannot be made amongst yourselves, you can apply for a financial order
in court
Deciding to split up your belongings yourselves comes at no charge so this is usually the
preferred option! Generally if you are unmarried and purchased your belongings yourself,
you are still the rightful owner following a split. Your ex does not have rights to what you
have purchased.
However if you and your ex made purchases together, you are both entitled to a share
based on the amount that you each contributed. A good starting point will be to decide what
you both actually need. Try and be flexible if you can when negotiating with each other. If
one person paid more for one item then perhaps they should keep it, otherwise a payout
could be offered to purchase the item back.
Decide whether an item is really worth the fight. If a possession has sentimental value then
you need to discuss this. Remember, these issues can quickly escalate if you allow things
to become petty. Always consider what possessions are going to be worth the stress and
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what can be easily replaced?

If things get really complicated, you may need to seek outside help from a mediator or
solicitor. Mediators are independent negotiators who will try to get an agreement by working
with both you and your ex. A solicitor will assist you to reach an agreement and try to get
the courts to confirm the arrangement for you.
If you and your ex were married it may be necessary to involve the courts to settle any
financial disputes you have.
The courts ultimate decision will be based on a number of factors such as:
o What each party owns and owes
o Both your financial contributions to the marriage based on your salary
o Outside financial contributions such as inheritances from families
o Non-financial contributions to the marriage, how you care for your children etc.
o Both parties future requirements your age, health and various other factors that
may affect your ability to earn and care for your children
Each case is unique and completely dependent on individual circumstances.
o Pets
There are some things that money cannot replace like a beloved pet you both own. Who
gets to keep Shadow the dog? Reaching a mutual decision can be tough but try and settle
things rationally. You must decide what is ultimately best for your animal.
Many pets are often viewed in the same light as children in a relationship. They become
your baby that you look after and revolve your life around. Just as people do with children
during a break-up, many pet owners seek joint custody with their pets. Although it can be
costly and complicated, it could be the best option for you both so you each remain in their
lives.
Perhaps if you share more than one pet you could think about splitting them up. You could
be more attached to one animal and your partner another so it may make sense they keep
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the cat and you keep the dog. So long as your animals wont be traumatized, separating
them may be a good option.
You need to realize which of you is going to be more suited to looking after your pet. Whose
lifestyle is more suitable to care for them? Will you honestly have the time and money to
focus on them yourself?
You can always set up a visitation schedule so that if one of you keeps the pet the other can
still see them or help out when they can. Try to keep your arrangement on good terms by
communicating anything unusual or new you notice from your time together with your pet
remember you both have your pets best interest at heart.
STAY OR MOVE AWAY
If you and your partner were living together but your relationship has come to an end, what
do you do now? Do you want to make a quick exit or will your financial situation not allow
you to? The decision to stay or move away is not one to be taken lightly. At the end of the
day, you must choose what is best for you
Choosing to stay
If you have to stay in the property due to financial reasons, focus on the following to try and
make life easier:
o Keep each other in mind
Should one of you start to date again, try to be considerate and not flaunt your new
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conquest in each others face? Avoid any nasty surprises by letting each other know if you
are expecting company or going on a date. You dont want to tip toe around each other but
a little courtesy will go far in the long run.
o keep busy
Give each other some space. If you are in a situation where you have to remain living
together, its not going to be easy if you are constantly in each others company. Socialize
with your friends, go for a walk, go to the gym do whatever you can to get out of the
house! You will both need time to clear your minds and it wont be easy if your living and
breathing each other as you used to do.
o stay strong
Maybe this isnt the ideal situation to be in, but for whatever reason youre in it. Learning to
live with your ex as a friend not a lover can be tricky, but just remember why you broke up in
the first place so you dont slip back into nasty habits.
Its not going to be easy, but stick through it and just remember your situation is hopefully
not permanent.
Choosing to move
If the thought of remaining in the same house as your ex is unbearable, then its time to
move on. That is only if you can financially. If so then great! Focus on the positives and
what can help you get through your breakup:
o Remove yourself from the situation
By moving out of a home you once shared, you will be separating yourself from any
negativity that has or could result from your break-up. You need to separate yourself from
further anguish and not torture yourself by remaining in the same house, especially in the
same bed. Only then can you truly digest what has happened and start to move on with
your life. Keeping your distance may be the key to your recovery.
o Gain some me time
Seize this opportunity to take some time out and think about what it is you want. You only
have to answer to yourself. Join a new club, watch as much sports as you like, hit the gym
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do whatever is going to take your mind off things and keep you happy. This will also be a
good opportunity to catch up with your friends if you felt out of the loop whilst you were in a
relationship. Get yourself involved and dont isolate yourself from the people that care about
you.
o Make yourself a new home
You and your ex may have had different ideas about how to decorate your house but now
that you are moving on and out, you can put your own spin on things. It can be quite
liberating to do exactly what it is you want in the house especially if it is just your taste that
you are accounting for. Make your new place your home, somewhere you will feel
comfortable and happy in and that you can identify with.
o Look to the future
Moving out from your ex does not necessarily mean the end of the road for you both.
Perhaps this is the time out and space you have needed. You may never be romantically
involved again, but once youve both worked on your lives away from each other, your
friendship may be able to grow in the future. On the other hand, taking a step away from
your past may lead you to better and brighter things in the form of someone new. Everything
will take time, but you will be happy again.
THINGS YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO LOCATE IN YOUR HOME
Now that you are home alone you will have to become resourceful in order to cope with the
unexpected everyday dilemmas you may be faced with. In order to help you run the house
and avoid spending a week sitting in the dark eating cold baked beans and wearing the
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same shirt for five days, you will need to familiarize yourself with how the house runs.
Heres a list of 10 essential items in the house you need to locate and know what to do with:
o Toolkit/torch
You will need to locate the basic tools like screwdriver and pliers for changing plugs etc. A
torch is vital if you have a power cut or need to search for something.
o Emergency telephone numbers
Make sure you have to hand phone numbers for your doctor, dentist, electrician and other
tradesmen, car breakdown service, the vet, childrens school and anyone else you may
seek in an emergency.
o Cold water stopcock
This is usually located under the kitchen sink and enables you to turn off the mains water.
o Fuse box
If the power goes off, or an appliance suddenly blows a fuse, you will need to find the fuse
box and know how to change it if necessary.
o Gas, electricity and water meters
The electricity meter is with the fuse box. Your power supplier will want to take the meter
reading when he visits. The gas meter will be outside and the water meter (if you have one)
will probably be fitted to the mains supply in the road.
o Instruction manuals for household appliances, garbage collection calendar
It is always a good idea to have a special folder to hand (in a kitchen drawer maybe) with
instruction manuals in for all household appliances cooker, washing machine, tumble
drier, TV, boiler etc. Most councils issue recycling calendars showing when garbage and
recycling is collected. Keep this safe as you do not want to keep your rubbish for a week
longer than you have too!
o Documents for mortgage, bank statements, car and household insurances
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It is absolutely vital that you locate documents relating to the mortgage (when paid, terms of
ete, when it expires etc.), as well as insurances for house, contents, the car and their expiry
dates.
o Boiler control panel
Read up on how the boiler Programme works or you may wake up one day with no hot
water
o Keys to doors, windows and cupboards
Find out where all the keys are to your front door, back door, garage doors, garden shed,
windows and anything else you may require. Keep them in one place. Your safety in the
house is vital.
o Code for burglar alarm
If you have one, know the code!
MOVING BACK WITH MUM AND DAD
If you and your ex were living together, chances are you are now looking to move out. There
is no rush to buy a new property. It is important that you dont make any long term
commitments that you may later regret, but instead get your affairs in order first. The easiest
short-term solution for many is to move back in with your parents.
This does not make you any less of a person! Your parents are there to support you whilst
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you are feeling low and you will soon find yourself on top again. Take the positives out of
this situation, make the most out of this opportunity and youll come out stronger at the end
of it.
Here are some of the main benefits of moving back in with mum and dad and tips to ensure
the return home is successful:
o Finance
Moving back in with your parents will greatly decrease your expenses and provide you with
enough time to get back on your feet and save money. However, do not take advantage of
their generosity. Give back when you can, even if you just do the grocery shop and help
clean the house let your parents know that you are not taking them for granted.
It is not uncommon to set up a formal agreement with you parents before you move in.
Putting it in writing will make your arrangement more formal and it should help to keep your
independence.
Any expenses that you are expected to contribute to should be outlined in this agreement.
For instance, if your parents choose to charge you a reduced amount of rent or help out with
the bills, highlighting this early on will make things easier in the long-run.
o You know what to expect
Unlike renting a new property with complete strangers, you already know what its like to live
with mum and dad! There will be no nasty surprises and you can relax in an environment
that is already familiar to you. It is important you show your parents respect and common
courtesy at all times.
As an adult, you should not have a curfew however it is still polite to keep your parents
informed of your whereabouts so that they do not unnecessarily worry. Remember you are
now living under their roof their house, their rules.
o Moving back with children
If your parents have been kind enough to offer you and your children a home until you get
back on your feet remember that living together under the same roof will take some
adjustment for everyone. Grandparents and grandchildren enjoy a special relationship and
its important to agree rules and boundaries to help ensure that the stress of living together
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doesnt spoil things for the future. For instance, you may think that you have a free babysitter at the drop of the hat but your mum and dad may have other ideas. Remember, they
have a life too. Agree rules and boundaries and make sure that the grand-parents
understand that you are the parent not them!
o Living well
Moving back to the comfort of a warm and cared for home will no doubt be better than
staying in your local Travel Lodge or your friends couch. However do not get too comfy! It is
important to realize you are still a guest.
Whilst it may be easy to revert back to your childhood ways and allow your parents to cook
and clean for you, you must try to resist this help and keep your independence by not taking
advantage.
o Support
Your parents will be there for you during your time of need. Living at home will give you a
chance to re-establish yourself. If you decide to move back home it is vital you have an exit
strategy in place first. Discuss this with your parents as they may have different ideas about
when youll be leaving. Have a specific date or goal to reach in order to move out and state
this clearly in your agreement.
o Appreciation
You will appreciate your parents even more as you will realize what they go through to help
you. In the end, this will strengthen the relationship that you already have with mum and
dad. It is inevitable that things will not always run smoothly at home but it is important that
you deal with these problems. Find out what caused them and learn from it.
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HEALTH MATTERS
RECOVERING FROM A BREAK UP
The recovery process can be long and your progress might not always follow a regular
pattern.
Recovering from a break up can take months or even years each case will be different. Its
important to remember that this can take time but, like so many others, youre likely to make
a full recovery.
Heres a doctors advice on what to expect and how you can help yourself get better.
Help from other people
The first thing to remember is that you dont have to cope alone. You can get support from
your GP and a counsellor as well as your friends and family.
Different people will be able to provide different types and amounts of help, so its a good
idea to share your problems with as many people as you can.
Tip:
o This doesnt include talking to strangers on the bus or calling your employer for a
serious heart to heart.
Help from work
If your GP decided to sign you off work for a short period to help you cope with the shock
and stress, youre probably looking forward to regaining your old routine.
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Having a steady routine and purpose for five days a week can be a great emotional
stabilizer. It will help take your mind off your emotional worries for extended periods of time.
You can also use work to give you a new focus in life. Retraining, chasing a promotion, or
asking for a well-deserved pay rise, are all good uses of your time and they can boost your
self-esteem as well as your salary.
Take care of your health
Moderate exercise to release mood-boosting endorphins, and a healthy diet, will go a long
way toward keeping your emotions balanced and positive.
Remember that alcohol is a depressant and your consumption should be low. For men the
recommended amount is 21 units or less, taken across the week. For women, 14 units is
the recommended maximum amount, and this should also be spread across the week.
If youre struggling to cope with a break up then its advisable to cut out alcohol altogether,
or stay well below your weekly limit.
If youve been using cigarettes or illegal drugs as coping mechanisms, these should be
given up, as the resultant health issues and risks will not help you in the long term.
Create a new (improved) you
It may not feel like it, but breaking up is an opportunity for something new and better to
develop.
Your self-esteem and body image may need a lot of help to become strong. Looking after
your physical and emotional wellbeing can lead to an improved version of yourself that you
didnt realize was possible.
Take heart that your recovery process could result in something really great.
Take your time
When it comes to getting over a relationship, there are no time limits. You havent failed if
you still think of your ex (and even if you still miss them) six or twelve months after it ended.
This means your need for support may also go on for a long time. Dont be afraid to be
honest with your friends, or to keep seeing your counsellor. You should also avoid dating,
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until you feel ready.
WHEN SHOULD YOU SEE YOUR GENERAL PRACTITIONER
It seems to be a little known fact that GPs can help with emotional matters as well as
physical ones. In the case of relationship break ups, these two often come hand in hand.
So, when should you see your GP?
When you need to talk
If youre distressed during or after a break up then your GP is there to talk to. You may have
personal, or health concerns related to the breakup which youre not comfortable sharing
with friends. Your GP can offer advice on stress management, as well as listening to your
problems.
Alternatively you may wish to seek counselling, and your GP will be able to refer you to
someone suitable.
When you need a sick note
If youre struggling to cope with the stress of a break up then you may want to ask your GP
for a sick note.
Its far better to be honest with your employer about the reason for needing time off. With
the support of your GP you dont need to feel guilty for having a few days or a week away
from work.
Tip:
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o Remember that work should not be put off more than necessary, as the return to a
structured routine is beneficial when youre getting over a break up.
When youre using alcohol or drugs as an emotional crutch
Its common for people to turn to alcohol or drugs to help them relax and forget about the
sadness they feel after a break up.
If you begin taking drugs, or if your alcohol consumption goes up rapidly, your GP can help
you find the support you need to get these habits back under control. Dont wait until youre
reliant on your daily fix to ask!
When you need anti-depressants
Prescription drugs are for serious cases. If youre struggling to cope with the emotional after
effects of your break up, talk to your GP and ask about the possibility of taking antidepressants.
He or she will be able to talk you through the possible side effects, and discuss any suitable
alternatives with you.
When you need sexual health advice
If your partner cheated on you then you may need to get tested for STDs. This may seem
like an embarrassing and even shameful experience but its important for your peace of
mind as well as your physical health.
Several common STDs can be treated quite simply, so dont be shy!
Your GP can also advise you on contraception when youre ready to start dating again.
We also talk to men!
Statistics show that men are far more reticent about visiting their GP than women. It may be
admirable that you want to cope alone, but you dont have to!
GPs are here to help men and women deal with the emotional and physical problems which
are an inevitable part of broken relationships. There is no shame in anyone seeking
Professional assistance and it is far better to look after you by getting appropriate support.
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THE WHOLE FAMILY
After a break up its easy to forget that there are often more than just two people involved.
Children will also be affected by the events and emotions your split generates.
Arguments and children
If you and your ex have been arguing while the children are within earshot theyre bound to
be worried about what theyve heard. They may not understand what was being said or
why, but the raised voices will be enough to make them uneasy.
If your children have witnessed any arguments make sure you talk to them about how its
made them feel. They will probably need some reassurance that things will be OK (which
doesnt mean telling them the family is staying together if its not) and that they are still
loved. Dont make them feel they have to choose sides.
Ideally your children wont have to see or hear any angry exchanges, but even if they dont
they can still pick up on the troubled atmosphere.
Try to make sure they understand whats going on and give them the opportunity to ask
questions, as they may be worried about something you hadnt thought of.
Behavioral changes
As your children try to adjust to the changes they may become clingy, anxious, or develop
behavioral problems, such as aggression or bed wetting.
In these instances it may be necessary to talk to someone at your childs school so that you
can deal with their behavior together.
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Remember that your child may not have the verbal capacity or emotional insight to explain
to you why their behavior is changing. Dont assume they want to cause trouble, or that
theyre trying to make your life harder. They may simply be feeling insecure and struggling
to deal with it.
Tip:
o Ask your GP for advice if your childs behavior becomes problematic, or if you think
they may be depressed. Your doctor can refer your child to an appropriate counsellor
for help, and may be able to recommend some support groups.
Grandparents
Even though a rift has developed between you and your ex-partner, theres no need to stop
letting your children see both sets of grandparents.
Continuing contact with other members of both families can help children feel more secure.
It also reinforces the message that they dont have to choose one side over the other, a
situation which can be deeply distressing.
Supporting everyday life
Just as you may be finding it hard to concentrate at work, your children may be struggling to
keep up with their school work and friends.
Dont forget to take the time to ask about their day and help them with their homework. If the
homework is beyond you, enlist the help of a friend, relative, or tutor.
Helping your child maintain their grades will support their self-esteem, as well as giving
them a good start in life. Continuing their play dates and sleepovers, where possible, will
also help them adjust. Remember that they need friends just as much as you do.
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PHYSICAL EFFECTS
With your emotions fluctuating on a daily or even hourly basis, its no surprise that your
body goes through changes too.
These are often stress related and they take many forms.
Changing appetite
Some people feel hungrier than normal, while others lose the will to eat almost completely.
This can lead to weight gain or loss, which can be unhealthy if it goes too far.
You may also find that gaining a few pounds with an increased appetite makes you feel
even worse about yourself than you did before.
This is no time to stop looking after you. Whether youre feeling hungry or not, try to eat
three healthy meals a day and avoid the temptation of snacking on junk food.
If you can stick to a healthy diet your body will cope much better with the stress its under.
Concentration and sleep
You may notice a dip in your powers of concentration, especially if youre not sleeping well
(which is another common after-effect of a break up).
If your sleeping pattern has gone astray, try to bring it back naturally by avoiding sad or
distressing TV programs, and computer work, for at least an hour before you go to bed.
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Make sure youre in bed at a reasonable time and invest in a sunrise alarm clock to help you
wake naturally.
You may also want to see your GP about prescription sleep aids, or for advice on naturally
improving your sleep pattern.
Your concentration should improve on its own as your sleep pattern regulates and you
begin to adjust to your new situation.
Extra caffeine is not recommended, as it will make sleep harder. It may be useful as a
stimulant but it wont necessarily help you concentrate on the right things.
Headaches, IBS, and Nausea
You may find yourself getting these after your break up. For help with IBS symptoms,
consult your GP.
Drink, cigarettes, and drugs
If your feelings are making you turn to alcohol, cigarettes, or other drugs for comfort, be
aware of your excesses and try to follow a healthier lifestyle.
Alcohol is a depressant, and although people commonly use it to help them relax it wont
help you feel better in the long term.
Nicotine and illegal drugs also come with severe risks and should be avoided.
For help to quit smoking, or help with other drug related issues, consult your GP for advice
and support. Remember, you can also ask your GP for dietary and exercise advice if you
need to.
Healthy living
Your emotions are putting your body under strain; they can even impair your immune
system making you prone to colds and other viruses. This means its even more important
to get a healthy diet and exercise regime now than it was when you were happier.
A daily walk and some fruit and vegetables will help you boost your immune system and
tackle your worries.
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Tip:
o Keeping active will release endorphins, which are a natural way to improve your
mood. Exercise can also help you sleep.
EMOTIONAL EFFECTS
Our emotional response to a break up can be another source of stress and difficulty. Heres
a doctors perspective on what to look out for and how to cope.
Thoughts and feelings
The emotions and thought processes you go through after a break up can vary from
extreme sadness and grief to anger, which may be directed at your ex or at others. You may
also experience a drop in self-esteem, or have feelings of self-loathing. Unchecked, these
can lead to self-harm and even suicide.
Although youre likely to have friends and family keeping an eye on you, its important to
recognize when youre having dangerous thought patterns that may require professional
help.
Looking after children
If you have children, you may notice changes in their behavior as they struggle to adjust.
Children can become depressed, just like adults, so talk to your GP if youre concerned.
You and your children may benefit from seeing a professional counsellor and your doctor
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will be able to refer you to one that is suitable.

You should also talk to someone at your childs school, as they may be able to help with any
emotional or behavioral issues that develop.
Prescriptions
In some cases your GP may also prescribe sleeping tablets or anti-depressants, to help you
regain control over your daily schedule. If anti-depressants are needed youll probably also
get signed off work, to give them time to take effect.
These drugs are not a complete solution, but they can help people to stabilize their
emotions and stop the feeling of being overwhelmed by whats happened. As with all drugs,
side effects are possible, and your doctor should discuss these with you to make sure you
understand what youre being given.
Tip:
o If you feel any inclination towards self-harm, or if youre struggling with the emotional
burden in any way, make an appointment with your GP quickly for help and support.
Help from others
Although counselling and some prescription drugs may help you get back on your feet, its
important to accept help from other people, such as your friends and family.
A packet of anti-depressants is no substitute for the sympathy and comfort of the people
who care about you, in the same way a counselling session doesnt equate to a night out.
All of these things will help, but in different ways.
Dont be afraid to accept emotional support from different sources its not a sign of
weakness to admit you need time with friends and time with a counsellor.
If in doubt, come and ask!
You may not be sure what level of support you need. After all, youve just gone through
something quite traumatic so no one expects you to have all the answers.
Theres no harm in asking your GP for advice. Just tell them whats happened and explain
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that youre upset and youre not sure what to do. Then its up to the GP to decide if you
need advice on how to cope with stress, an appointment with a counsellor, or a prescription.
They are trained to help with emotional distress, so if in doubt, come and ask!
STARTING A NEW RELATIONSHIP
Eventually you may feel like you want to start a new relationship. Remember that although
you may feel fine now, its possible that your self-esteem is still fragile.
Fools rush
Theres no need to rush a new relationship. If youre looking for someone to make your ex
jealous, then youre not ready. If youre looking for someone to make you feel good about
yourself, youre not ready.
Make sure youre happy with your life first. If you enjoy going out with friends and spending
time alone then youre less likely to seek someone just because they fill a gap in your life.
If your low self-esteem is telling you to accept any offer, dont listen! You still deserve to be
happy with your partner, so dont accept dates from people who make you feel
uncomfortable, irritated, or unsafe. Their interest in you is a compliment, but its no
guarantee of romantic bliss.
Holding hands and more
With a new relationship comes new physical contact. A suitable partner will be happy to
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take things slowly if thats what you need to do.

After a few dates when youre sure you like your new partner and want things to progress to
a physical relationship, be honest with them if you have any concerns. They may have
similar worries too.
Even if theyve never experienced heart break themselves, its not unreasonable to expect
them to understand that youre nervous about starting over with someone new.
Tip:
o If they make a fuss or get angry because you want the relationship to move slowly,
dont hang around! You have a right to take relationships at a pace thats
comfortable for you. If they think that means youre messing them around, or theyre
not willing to wait, then theyre not right for you.
Full disclosure
If youre worried about your new partner seeing you naked, make sure you look as good as
you can (without going to extremes like having surgery). Taking regular exercise will help
make the most of your natural shape and features.
Make sure youre wearing clean and well-fitting underwear. Dont hide your assets under a
saggy bra or holey boxers!
Almost everyone has some physical feature theyre not so pleased with. Your partner might
just as worried about you seeing them naked!
Remember that appearances arent the sum of your relationship. Even if they were, your
new partner has chosen to date you so theres a strong chance they like your face and
figure just as they are.
In the unlikely event that the sight of your body does make them change their mind, then
theyre really not worth the effort or stress!
Contraception and bedroom flops
Talk to your GP about contraception or for help with erectile dysfunction, as you may be
eligible for Viagra on prescription.
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Older women may also need contraception dont take it for granted that you wont get
pregnant just because youre in your 40s or even your 50s.
Tip:
o Always use a condom with new partners STDs are a risk at any age, so dont get
caught out! If your partner refuses to use one then its time to back off. Your physical
safety comes first.
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MONEY AND FINANCE

HOW TO WORK OUT A BUDGET
When your relationship ends, it usually affects more than just your emotions. A new
financial situation, and possibly a new living arrangement, has emerged.
Finding your financial feet
As youll be entering a new financial situation its wise to work out what your budget will be.
You may have spent money without much thought before, but while youre adjusting to your
new circumstances you should keep a closer eye on these things.
Go through some of your bank statements and work out your essential outgoings. If some of
these are changing (i.e. youre moving house) then put in a rental or mortgage figure that
reflects the sort of property youre looking for.
Remember that you will still be liable for payments on property that is jointly owned or
rented, even if you are no longer living there. These costs will have to remain in your budget
until youre able to take your name off the mortgage or rental agreement, or sell the
property.
On the other side of your page (or the next column of your spreadsheet) add your salary,
benefits, and any other money that comes to you on a regular basis.
Comparing the totals will help you see how much extra cash you might have for things like
savings, and luxuries.
Tip:
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o Remember the difference between essential expenditure and luxury items. You may
find it convenient to buy lunch and coffee from a caf each day when youre at work,
but there are cheaper alternatives.
What next?
If it looks as if your income wont satisfy your outgoings, its time to look at ways to cut
costs. You can also ask your local Citizens Advice Bureau for help and advice on managing
your budget.
Track ongoing expenses
The hardest thing about a budget is sticking to it. When youre out and about (and especially
if you have a credit card) its easy to get drawn into unplanned expenses, such as a shiny
new gadget or vanilla latt.
If you struggle to avoid these temptations leave the credit card at home. Some people find it
beneficial to take out their weekly allowance in cash on the same day each week. That way
when the cash has run out, you know you cant afford that extra coffee or new pair of
trainers.
If you have children who are struggling to get used to the idea that they cant have new toys,
now is an excellent time to explain that money has to be earned. Setting a good example to
your children can be a powerful motivator to stick to your budget and it will be a useful
education for them.
Keep an eye on your bank statements and remember to update your budget if any of your
circumstances change. If you receive a pay rise youll be tempted to start spending again
work out what you can actually afford first so that you dont end up worse off than before!
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CUTTING COSTS
So, youve broken up with your other half, split your finances, and possibly worked out a
new budget. Do you need to cut costs to keep out of the red too?
If you havent already done so, you should work out a budget as this will be a good starting
point for thinking about ways to cut your costs.
Sometimes its possible to reduce your expenditure on essential items, like loan repayments
(which may be renegotiated or consolidated) or rent (by moving to a different property).
However, its easier to start by cutting your expenditure on luxury items. Some luxuries can
be substituted, or demoted to weekly or monthly treats.
Substitutes
o Clothes and other things
Charity shops may not offer the glamour of the rest of the high street, but they do stock
clothes, cards, gifts, and books, at reasonable prices. The clothes are often suitable for a
range of age groups.
o Coffee and lunch
Homemade sandwiches, pasta salads, wraps, and even pre-cooked jacket potatoes can all
make suitable lunches to take to work. A little extra thought when shopping and a few
minutes work in the evening or morning can save you pounds every day.
Take coffee in a flask, or find an instant version you like to keep at work, and youll save
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even more.
Dinner
With a little creativity even the least confident cook can come up with cheap meals. Cutting
down on meat and fish will help you save.
Use root vegetables, beans, lentils, and eggs, to keep meals filling and nutritious.
Swapping brands
Do you really need that pricey shampoo? Chances are there are cheaper brands available
that will do a good enough job to replace your favorite luxury products. This includes most
toiletries, clothes, and food.
Cutting essentials
o Utility bills
As youre no longer living with your partner youll probably find your utilities bills go down
naturally.
If its been a while since you chose your tariff you should check to see if a cheaper
alternative is available. In some cases switching to paperless billing or Direct Debit
payments will further reduce your costs.
o Mortgage/rent
If you are keeping your mortgage but your ex-partner is buying you out, you may want to
ask your mortgage company about changing to a new rate or repayment type.
If youre struggling to meet the monthly payments, ask about interest only mortgages.
With rental payments, renegotiation is unlikely. You may have to switch to a smaller or less
conveniently situated property.
Tip:
o Remember that joint mortgages continue to be a joint responsibility, even if one of
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you no longer lives at the property. Youll need to contact your lender to arrange for
the mortgage to be in one persons name. Alternatively put the property up for sale.
Telephone
It may be time to ditch the expensive mobile contract or fancy smartphone. See what deals
are available online and swallow your pride if you really cant afford the latest model.
TV
Your TV package may be a combination of channels you wanted and those your ex wanted.
Are you really going to keep watching the sport or films after theyve gone? If a cheaper
package will suit your needs, then make the switch.
SHARING WEALTH AND DIVIDING ASSETS
Money has been described as the route to all evil. It can certainly cause a lot of arguments
and stress. Sorting out your finances after a break up can be especially difficult but its
something we all have to deal with.
The key is to keep it fair, so that neither party feels cheated.
Legal requirements
If youre going through a divorce you may have a legal requirement to share your pension
and other assets.
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If you and your partner have children together there will also be legal obligations to fulfill.
Your family solicitor should be able to explain these to you. A good financial advisor can
help you make sense of them and find the most efficient way of doing it.
Agreeing your asset division
Even in the case of an amicable split, its a good idea to reach a legally binding financial
settlement, which may or may not involve going to court.
By forming a legally binding financial settlement you can be sure that no loose ends will
remain. This means that if you come into a large amount of money after your divorce your
ex-partner wont be able to stake a claim on it.
If youre struggling to agree
If you cant agree a financial settlement with your ex-partner the next step is to involve a
mediator.
Mediators are there to keep your discussions on topic and encourage positive
communication. They can work with you and your solicitor to arrange an agreement thats
fair to both parties.
If youre still unable to agree then a court hearing will be necessary. This means extra costs
will be incurred and when a decision is reached, you will have to abide by it, whether you
like it or not.
Remember that having a legally binding agreement should work in your favor as well as
your exs, so dont resent the process even if it seems difficult.
Things to consider when youre arranging your settlement
An equal split may not be the best option in all cases. Each couple will be in a unique
situation and there will be specific things that need to be taken into account, such as:
o Care of children under the age of 18
o The value of joint and individually owned property and other assets
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o The value of any debts or liabilities held by one or both parties

o The earnings and earning potential of each party
o The standard of living youre both used to
o The duration of the marriage or civil partnership and your ages
o The pension arrangements of each party
o Physical or mental disabilities of either party
o Financial, and other contributions made by each party to the marriage and family
home.
You and your ex will both need enough to live on, but working out the fairest way of splitting
your money can be complicated.
Tip:
o Work out your budget before you agree to a settlement to make sure your
arrangement will cover the essentials.
ARE YOU ENTITLED TO BENEFITS?
Your circumstances may have changed significantly after a break up, even if youre not
getting a divorce.
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Youll be changing from a joint income to single, or none at all, and you may be moving to a
new home. This shift in your economic situation means you could be entitled to benefits and
tax breaks that didnt apply before.
Check your financial situation
There are many types of benefit that you may be entitled to after a divorce or break up. Your
income, and any children you may need to care for, will affect what you can claim.
In general, youre likely to be eligible for benefits if you meet any of the following criteria:
o Youre on a low income (employed or looking for work)
o You have dependent children
o You're ill or disabled
o You're caring for someone
o You're aged 60 or over
o You have been bereaved
o You're pregnant or have recently had a baby
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FIND A FINANCIAL ADVISOR
You may not have considered the need for a financial advisor before, but when you undergo
a major change in circumstances such as a relationship break up, you may find one useful.
A financial advisor will be able to help you meet your legal obligations to your ex-partner in
the most efficient way possible. They can also help you make long term provision for any
children or dependents.
You can get them involved right from the start of your break up, if you are getting divorced
and need to reach a financial settlement with your former partner.
In particular you may need advice on pensions, investments, tax, and mortgages.
Types of advisor
The first thing to remember is that financial advisors come in different forms. Some are
independent and can advise on, and sell, any financial product from any provider. Then
there are tied and multi-tied advisors, offering a limited and slightly less limited range of
products respectively.
You may be happy with a tied or multi-tied advisor but only independent ones will be able to
give you a full choice of financial options. They also tend to charge less, so its advisable to
seek an independent advisor.
Other types of advisor that may be useful
o Mortgage brokers
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If you only need advice about your mortgage you could go to a broker instead. Like financial
advisers, these come in different types. Its best to go for a full market broker, who can
advise you on products from many different providers.
o Debt counsellors
For help with debt management you should look for a debt counselling service. Your local
Citizens Advice Bureau should be able to point you in the right direction.
Finding an Independent Financial Advisor
You could start by asking friends and relatives if they have any recommendations.
Selection criteria
There are a few things you should look out for when picking your financial advisor.
o Check their qualifications. Ideally they will hold a Diploma in Financial Planning
(DFP) (formerly the Advanced Financial Planning Certificate (AFPC)), or even better,
the Advanced Diploma in Financial Planning (ADFP)
o Check how long the advisor has been established; ideally they will have been in
business for three years or more
o Ask to see their Key facts document which will list their charges and confirm their
independence
o Find out what youll be charged before you go
It may seem a hassle to do all this checking yourself but its better to get advice from
someone you know you can trust. It doesnt matter how nice your advisors suit is or how
much your friend enjoyed working with them if theyre not going to give you good advice.
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BREAKING UP AND BANKING
If you have any joint accounts with your partner then youll probably need to see your bank
and change them into single accounts. However, as this will involve splitting your assets, its
not something to be rushed into!
Freeze joint accounts
You may want to freeze your joint accounts to make sure your partner cant spend all your
money, or rack up new debts on a joint credit card.
By freezing the accounts when you split, you can guarantee that the funds can be shared
fairly when you get around to arranging your financial settlement.
Tip:
o You may need to make alternative arrangements for bills that would usually have
come out of joint accounts. Cash isnt the only asset youll want to protect so keep up
to date with those rent or mortgage payments and other essentials.
Divide the money
Splitting your assets after a break up can be a major source of stress, even if your
relationship ended amicably. Its important to keep the distribution fair and ensure both
parties have enough to live on.
If youre struggling to agree you may need to get help from a mediator. If youre divorcing,
your solicitor can advise you on the fairest way to split your money.
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How to split money from a joint account

You may decide to close your joint account and transfer your share of the money into new
single accounts. Alternatively one person may opt to keep the joint account but take the
second name off.
If you decide on the second option you may both need to speak to someone at your bank to
get a name removed from the account? This is because some banks view one party as the
main account holder, and they will have authority over the account which the other party
doesnt.
The danger of joint accounts that stay in both names
Even if you agree not to touch the joint account and surrender your card, if your name stays
on the account then any activity will be linked to you and your credit score. If it runs into its
overdraft, or beyond, this will be deemed to be partly your responsibility.
For credit cards and loans that remain in both names, the debts will affect your credit score
and repayments remain partly your responsibility.
Getting started
If youre feeling confused or uncertain about what action needs to be taken, talk to an
advisor at your bank and explain the situation. They will be able to guide you through each
step, to make sure your finances are protected during and after the split.
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LEGAL
ENDING A RELATIONSHIP
The decision to end your marriage or Civil Partnership is a big one, but the implications of
remaining married to your partner after the relationship has ended are huge. Remember
that your spouse will be treated as your Next of Kin which is important for inheritance
purposes, as well as health issues.
You may not want for those ties to continue and if you decide that you want to end your
marriage, then the ultimate resort would be to issue divorce or dissolution proceedings.
Visit a solicitor as soon as possible after you have decided to end the marriage or Civil
Partnership for advice.
FINANCIAL ISSUES
How any financial settlement is conducted will be dependent upon whether you are married
or were just co-habiting with your partner.
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SEPARATION ISSUES
The law does not recognize that there is a legal link between unmarried, or cohabiting
couples, no matter how long the relationship. There are therefore are no legal formalities
that can be administered when ending the relationship itself. Contrary to popular belief there
is no such thing as a common-law wife in the eyes of the law.
Unless a Living-Together Agreement was entered into at the outset of cohabitation, the
issues surrounding how any shared assets are to be dealt with and how any asset split is to
be affected have to be dealt with. The law in this respect is very different for unmarried
couples, as opposed to their married counterparts.
Seek early advice from a solicitor to help steer you through this process and to ensure you
get your fair share.
Where there is a jointly owned property i.e. where both parties are registered as legal
owners and nothing specific is mentioned on the Title Deeds, the presumption is that the
property is owned in equal shares.
Where only one party is named as a legal owner of the property, the other is not necessarily
entitled to a share in the home. A co-habitants right to a financial share in the property is
governed by the area of Trusts Law. Essentially, there are three ways that a non-legal
owner of the property can claim an interest in the home:
o If they have paid money towards the mortgage carried out improvements upon the
property or made any other contribution towards the capital value of the home. This
creates what is known as a Resulting Trust, i.e. that partys share is equal to the
amount of their financial contribution.
o If they believed it was agreed by both parties at the outset of the relationship that the
property was meant to be shared. In these types of cases, the conduct of each party
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throughout the relationship is very important and if the necessary preconditions are met
a Trust will be constructed. The non-owning party would be entitled to a share in the
property, but not necessarily an equal share.
o If they have spent money on the home in the belief that they have been promised a
share by their partner.
HARASSMENT AND PROTECTING YOUR HOME
If your partner is subjecting you to any form of harassment, domestic violence or abuse,
then of course, the first port of call for you would be to contact the police. It goes without
saying that violent offences are treated as criminal offences by the police and are
punishable by imprisonment.
If the situation is serious and you consider that you need more long term protection then you
can apply for an Injunction, which is legally known as a Non-Molestation Order. The NonMolestation Order will forbid the abuser from molesting the Applicant. Molestation does
not have to be physical violence and can also be verbal or any other form of harassment or
intimidation.
This Order will also forbid the abuser from instructing anyone else to carry out any form of
harassment, intimidation or violence against the Applicant, or their children and so they can
be quite far reaching.
The Order can be applied for on an emergency basis, which means that it can be granted
on in the short term without notifying the abuser of your intentions. If this route has been
taken then the Emergency Order will usually last a week or so until such time as the other
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party will be called into Court for their side to be heard.

If the Court agrees that a long term Non-Molestation Order should be put in place, then the
Order will be made. Not everybody can be made subject to this type of order and they can
only be granted against someone who is legally associated to the Applicant.
Associated persons are a specific set of categories, including a person that you were
married or engaged to, a person whom you were living with or if you are parents of the
same child.
Crucially, all Non-Molestation Orders will have attached to them a Power of Arrest, which
means that if the Order is breached the police can immediately arrest the abuser. The
breach is punishable by up to 5 years imprisonment.
CHILDREN ISSUES
When it comes to children, each parent with Parental Responsibility will have equal rights to
make decisions for the children in respect of medical treatment, religion, education and
finances. Parental Responsibility entitles that parent to be consulted in all important
decisions concerning their childs upbringing, but it does not give the right for the parent who
is the non-primary career to interfere with the day to day care of that child.
However, not all parents have Parental Responsibility for their child and it is usually an
unmarried father who is not named on their childs Birth Certificate who would fall into this
category.
Obtaining Parental Responsibility with the agreement of your partner is a relatively easy
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matter and will entail each party signing a Parental Responsibility Agreement, which is then
registered with a local court.
If the matter is not agreed, then the parent without Parental Responsibility can make an
application to the court for a judge to decide whether or not they should be granted with a
Parental Responsibility Order.
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MOVING ON
BUILDING SELF-CONFIDENCE
One of the side effects of going through a break up can often be lack of confidence. Youve
been rejected and the default brain position is to blame yourself, feeling that in some way
you werent good enough to keep them.
Whilst this is of course baloney that doesnt make you feel any better. Follow some or all of
these steps below to help regain your self-esteem and build confidence.
Take regular exercise. Even a 15 minute brisk walk three times a week can help you feel
more alert and happier. Exercise boosts endorphins which lift your mood. Joining a gym can
be a good way to meet new people and make friends too but look for a pay as you go
option initially. Signing up to an expensive monthly contract and then discovering you hardly
ever go can make you feel even more fed-up!
Take a pride in your appearance. Look in the mirror and force yourself to find three things
about you that you like. If you can begin to feel better about how you look then that will have
a positive effect on your confidence.
Personal grooming is vital. When we feel down and fed-up theres a tendency to say why
bother when it comes to bathing, shaving and washing hair regularly. But neglecting your
grooming makes you feel AND look worse!
Creating a vicious circle
Stand up straight (imagine someone is pulling you up from a string attached to the top of
your head) and walk briskly confident people always walk with purpose. By speeding up
your pace you will feel livelier and send out a more positive vibe to others.
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Look at your wardrobe and throw out any of those saggy, baggy old favorites that you hide
the real you behind. Sloppy track suit bottoms may be comfortable but absolutely no-one
looks attractive in them!
Wear clean, smart clothes that show off your best features, and be open to advice if you
want to improve your dress sense. You dont have to invest in a personal shopper or fork
out for a make-over - all you need to do is go into your favorite clothes show at a quiet time
and ask for their help to choose the new item of clothing.
For make-up hints and tips head to the cosmetic department of a department store or Boots
most of the counters offer free makeup demonstrations - usually by appointment. They
hope that you might purchase some of the products that they have used on your face during
the session but theres no obligation to buy.
Take an interest in others. When you speak to people dont think to yourself why would they
be interested in me? Instead turn it around and make sure you are the one taking an
interest.
People LOVE to talk about themselves, and you will find that by encouraging people to talk
on their favorite subject (their children, job, grandchildren) they will engage with you and
youll avoid those awkward silences that dent confidence even more.
Contribute and take part. Holding your head high doesnt just mean standing straight.
Believe in yourself and try to put yourself forward more. Sit in the front rows at a meeting or
conference dont hide away at the back and in a group situation, allow yourself to
contribute your views and opinions are just as valid as everybody elses!
Break the cycle of self-pity. Instead of focusing on all that is bad in your life think of the good
things. What have you done recently you been proud off? Celebrate your achievements and
think of seven things each day with gratitude you will find this really works to combat all
those negative thoughts.
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HOW TO START DATING AGAIN
Getting over a relationship is hard, and whilst at the time you may say never again in
reality most people would like to think that they may be able to find another partner to share
their life with.
Your confidence may have taken a bit of a knock, and understandably you may be a bit
nervous about taking those first steps towards dating again.
Let all of your friends know that you are ready to start dating again and keep an open
mind to any possibilities that they may suggest. Its always good to widen your friendship
circle and that blind date could make you a new friend even if the person isnt Mr. or Mrs.
Right.
If your life follows a normal routine make a few changes pop in to a different coffee shop
to buy your hot drink on the way to work, or get into a different carriage on the train for
example. By going to different places you are likely to meet different people and you never
know whose eyes you might just meet!
In the olden days well-meaning people would suggest that you join a club or night class in
the hope of meeting the new love of your life, but in reality this doesnt happen very often.
By all means go to the class or join the group because it will help fill your time and give you
a new interest and make new friends, but dont go just in the hope you might meet
somebody special.
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MOVING TO A NEW AREA
After a break up many peoples first reaction is the desire to move away to escape the pain
and put as much distance as possible between themselves and their ex.
Sometimes thats just not a practical option - where children of school age are involved for
example or elderly relatives you help look after, but if theres nothing keeping you tied to a
particular location should you move away or stay put?
The best advice is not to rush into anything too quickly. Dont make any big life changing
decisions until at least a month has gone by. In four weeks you will be starting to see things
more clearly, the raw pain will be lessening and you will be in a better position to make
sensible choices rather than knee jerk emotionally.
Moving to a completely new place can create its own stress and could make you feel even
worse. If you have been living in the same location for a long time it will be very familiar and
even though you may not think it now, familiarity is an important aspect of feeling
comfortable in a location.
But if you have no ties to the area possibly because you moved there in the first place to
be closer to your ex - then it makes good sense to return to a neighborhood you know well
and where there may be friends and family to help you through the break up.
If you decide to make a clean break and want to move away listed below are some points
that may be of help:
o If children are involved and they will not be living with you after the split, consider the
distance you and they will have to travel to get to your new home. It may not be
practical for you to be several hours away as in the early days children need to have
frequent and regular contact with the absent parent
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o How far away do you need to be? Sometimes just moving to the other side of a town
or city may be enough to give you sufficient distance from your ex without the
upheaval of moving too far away from friends or family
o Think about the whole location, not just the person or people you know there. Having
familiar faces around will be a big help but you need to consider the bigger picture.
Things like public transport provision, quality of schools, leisure and recreation
facilities, cost of living and even the weather are all very important factors to
consider.
o If you are working for a company that has branches across the country, consider
asking for a transfer to another location. It will be less stressful to cope with moving
to a new area if you dont have the additional stress of having to look for a
completely new job too.
o Think long and hard before emigrating to be with family members. Leaving the
country and moving thousands of miles away is a big step, and your family has their
own life to lead abroad and will not be able to be with you all of the time. Be aware
that starting again in mid to late life in a completely new culture can be very lonely,
but of course for many it has worked well.
o Do the research find out as much as you can about the places you may like to move
to and spend a weekend there. Try to think about your own tastes and lifestyle for
example if you dont like cold weather, moving to the North of Scotland may not be
for you!
o Consider renting for a while before buying a property in a new area. This is a good
idea for two reasons firstly if you decide you have made a mistake all you have lost
is a few months rent, and secondly as you get to know your new location better you
may discover that you would prefer to live in a different part of the town.
o Commit to making an effort to establish a new social circle in the new location. If you
have got a new job accept all the invitations that come your way for opportunities to
socialize after work or go to the coffee shop for lunch. Join clubs and societies that
interest you and consider volunteering to help a local charity.
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MAKING NEW FRIENDS AND JOINING IN
If you relied on the company of your ex for most of your social life and friendship then it is
only naturally for you to feel lonely and bereft without them after the split. It is important to
know that with a bit of effort you CAN make new friends which will help restore happiness
and confidence.
After a break-up it is almost inevitable that you will lose some so called friends and if you
socialized in groups with your ex-partner you may have to join new societies and
organizations instead.
Some friends may openly make the choice between you and your ex and others, whilst
claiming to stay neutral and wanting to maintain a relationship with you both, may in reality
you find it very difficult to do so.
What tend to happen are the friends you had before the relationship will remain, but those of
your ex or newer people you have met together may fall by the wayside.
So how do you make new friends? It can be a daunting prospect particularly if you have
been in a long term relationship. Where do you start?
Begin by looking at yourself objectively. What qualities are you looking for in a friend? Then
ask Am I a good friend? Do you devote time to others? Are you genuinely interested in
what other people have to say? Do you avoid gossiping? All of these are qualities that we
look for in a friend.
We want somebody to share interests, have fun with and be there for good and bad times.
It may sound silly, but practice these skills, avoid negativity and develop your listening skills
all good preparation for establishing and then nurturing new friendships. Above all DONT
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become that person who has nothing to talk about other than their ex and how miserable
they are!
Making new friends is not easy, but if you follow a few simple steps you will be well on your
way towards creating a new social life to help rebuild confidence and bring happiness back
in your life.
Accept all invitations. Unless you have a prior engagement try to say yes to every invitation
that comes your way. People will get fed up and stop inviting you if you keep saying no.
Once you get to the event whether it is after work drinks or a birthday celebration make the
most of the opportunity. Look for another person who is standing on their own or looking a
bit lost. Go up to them and start a conversation stand tall and smile and the rest will come
easily.
Look at your current circle of friends, family or past acquaintances. Now you have more time
on your hands you can spend more time in their company and get to meet their other friends
who could become new friends for you. Think about contacting friends from the past you
have lost touch with or spending more time with people you occasionally meet up with that
you could see more often.
What about your family do you have any relatives of a similar age to you that you didnt
get time to see when you were in your relationship but that you get on well with?
How to find new friends
If you have a hobby or interest finds out if there is a club or society in your area for people
who share the same interest and go along. If there isnt a club why not start one? Put up a
notice in your library, corner shop or post office inviting people with the share interest to join
your group.
If you dont have any hobbies of your own join the local amateur dramatic society. Even if
you cant sing or act theyre always on the lookout for people to help behind the scenes and
youll find that being involved with a production is an excellent way to meet new friends.
Make the first move. Once you have met someone you seem to be getting on with whats
next? Get into the habit of getting peoples contact information as early as possible as you
can never guarantee that you are going to see them again soon! Why not suggest meeting
up outside the group/office/social occasion for something specific. For example suggest
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meeting up for a coffee one lunch time, going out for a drink or if the potential friend shares
a specific interest lets say art for example research whats on at local galleries and
suggest you visit together.
This may seem a bit daunting, but youll probably find that they are just as shy as you and
welcome the fact that you are taking a positive step towards developing a friendship. If you
need more help on how to approach new friends look online there are lots of excellent
articles and free help available.
New friendships need nurturing. For someone to become a close friend you need to keep in
regular contact with them, enjoy good times together and get to know each other on a
deeper level.
Youll find that you establish new friendships with people on all different levels just as you
have done with existing friends. Some will never become best friends no matter how much
time you spend with them whilst others will become much closer much more quickly.
Good luck! Enjoy meeting new people and making new friends
CHILDREN AND NEW RELATIONSHIPS
If you feel you have met someone new and you see a future with them, now would be a
good time to introduce them to your children. Ideally, your partner should already be aware
that you have children so that this doesnt come as a shock! Not everyone is accepting of
other peoples children, or even children for that matter so it is important you are honest
from the offset.
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Even though it is exciting that you have met someone knew, your children may be feeling
threatened or confused. Respect your childrens feelings and reassure them your new love
is not their replacement parent.
If your children start to misbehave, they are probably trying to tell you something. You may
not want to hear what they have to say but whilst you feel you have a lot to gain they are
likely to feel they are losing you. Let them know how much you love them and that things
will not change between you.
Be prepared for resistance
It is not uncommon that older children are reluctant to meet or even be interested in your
new significant other. They can typically find it hard to imagine you with someone who isnt
their own parent, which boils down to the matter of loyalty. Seeing you move on with
someone else can be tough and they may feel as though they have to vie for your attention.
Allow your children the chance to get to know your new love on their own terms. Give them
space if they need it and dont force them into things they will not be comfortable with. For
example, dont make them hug or kiss your partner unless they want to or are ready to!
Introducing your new partner to younger children however poses the risk of them forming an
immediate attachment. This is why it is wise to not make the introductions until you are
certain that your new relationship has future potential and is not just a rebound. Preventing
your children from any further losses is ultimately what you want.
Adjusting to the family merge
It is important you do not introduce your new partner to your children as their new
mother/father. You must make it clear that your new significant other is not there to replace
their parent you have separated from. Similarly, this conversation needs to be had with your
new significant other.
If things are to work amicably for everyone, your partner must be aware of what is and isnt
acceptable. For instance, you may want to make it clear that they do not have the right to
discipline your child and should they have a problem then they should come to you so you
can deal with it.
Do not impose your new love life too soon on your children. Inviting your other half to stay
over in the early days isnt fair on your kids. They need the time to get used to the fact you
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have moved on and need to become comfortable knowing that your new love interest is
here to stay. Let your children adjust to your new life so that you can avoid any emotional
backlash. Reassure them they are not losing you, make time for them and do not let your
new partner change the rules of the household!
Having family time first
Be sensitive to your childrens feelings by not involving your new partner into every daily
activity you do. They deserve your time and attention whilst they too deal with the fact their
parents have split up no matter how old they are.
Likewise, ensure that you and your partner do not try to force things with your family. It is
important you form a strong bond with each other first before you focus your energy on
becoming a new family unit. Keep things in balance so that the pressure does not overcome
you.
Your ex
If your children and your ex are still in each others lives, it is your responsibility to inform
your ex of your new family before you tell your kids. Telling them would be a courtesy, not
as a way to score points over them.
Address the matter as an event in your childrens lives rather than one in yours. If you do
not inform them, do not leave it up to your children or expect them to keep secrets from their
mum or dad. Be the bigger person as they have the right to know once their kids re
involved.
Take your time
It is important you do not rush into anything. You need to be certain that you really want to
introduce someone new into your family. If you are having any doubts regarding your
relationship then perhaps now is not the time. Wait until your feelings are resolved
otherwise you may realize this relationship is not for you.
Likewise, the initial introduction with your family and new partner may not go smoothly, but
give it time. It would be a miracle if everyone got along the first time round! Dont give up
this is your chance to start something new and be happy again.
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TOP TIPS
ACCEPT HELP FROM OTHERS
During times of emotional upset it can be surprising just how many people seem willing to
help out. You may feel too proud to accept every offer that comes your way but theres
usually no proper reason to refuse.
If people care enough to put themselves out for you at a time when you actually need their
help then what could be better?
Friends and Family
Friends and family will often be the first option for many types of help that you need after a
break up.
Shoulders to cry on
This is the most obvious type of support you might need. Even if youre not actually crying,
your friends and family can help you make sense of your feelings and cheer you up when
youre feeling low.
Baby sitters
With your partner no longer around its possible youll need help with the children. This
could be full on babysitting, or it could just be picking them up from school on the night you
work late.
Even if your friends or family members cant do this, they may know a good baby sitter who
can.
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Searching for a new home

If you need to relocate, ask your friends to keep their eyes peeled for suitable properties
and get someone to view them with you if possible.
You may not feel able to trust your own judgment with such a big decision so ask someone
you trust to help you decide.
Paying bills
You may find that your parents or other relatives are able to offer some financial support to
help with the cost of moving home or childcare.
This may be in the form of a gift, or a no-interest loan. Either way accept if you genuinely
need it and show your gratitude appropriately.
DIY
Putting together flat packs and lugging heavy deliveries usually require more than one
person.
Even if youre proficient at DIY you may find the occasional job needs a second pair of
hands that your partner would previously have provided.
Professional Assistance
o Legal or financial advice
Depending on your marital and financial status you may require some help from the Citizens
Advice Bureau, a family solicitor, or your bank.
Search online for contact details and ask friends or relatives if they can recommend a
solicitor, or other professional who may be able to help
Time off or restricted duties at work
Its a good idea to let your employer know when youre going through a serious break up.
You may need to take time off work to get over the shock, or to help you find a new home.
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You may also want to ask about getting a temporary change or restriction of duties.
For example, if youre struggling not to cry its probably not a good idea to put you on
reception or in charge of answering the phone.
Find out if some adjustments can be made for a few days while you get back to being
(almost) your normal self.
SHOW AN INTEREST IN OTHERS
Other people may be the last thing you want to think about when youre trying to get over a
break up but if you give them a chance they can make a positive difference.
Learning to care (again)
Emotional trauma can leave us feeling pretty empty. Worse, it can turn us into
inconsiderate, cold-hearted people who dont give a damn if their best friend has a
promotion or their Dads been diagnosed with diabetes.
Your friends and family love you and care about you, so dont forget to take a break from
your poor me attitude to show an interest and be nice to the people whove really earned it.
You will feel more like your old self and you wont alienate or hurt the people that havent
broke up with you.
Finding new opportunities
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Showing an interest in others can lead to all kinds of opportunities. You might hear of a new
job (and get recommended because you were so nice to the guy who mentioned it to you).
You could also discover a fun new hobby, make a new friend, or even find your next
boyfriend or girlfriend.
You wont do any of those things if you walk around with your eyes on the pavement
daydreaming about what used to be.
Making someones day
As a newly single person you will probably have cleared out your calendar, and cut out a
part of your life that was, for good or bad, using up a lot of emotional energy.
Now is the time to think about doing something nice for someone else, like visiting a special
relative, taking your Gran to a garden center for the day or offering to babysit the grand
children to give their parents a break.
When you have time on your hands why not spend it with people you may not have seen
enough of in the past it could just make their day and help you take your mind off the
break up.
Keeping your balance
Taking an interest in others will keep you from spiraling into a pit of despair. Think about it
you could spend your days alone dwelling on the mess your life has become or you could
call your best friend and see what theyre up to.
Doesnt the second option sound more fun?
Keeping up to date with the rest of the world will give you some perspective on your own
issues and remind you that theres more to life than being with your ex.
Other people need you too
You may feel a shadow of your former self but your friends and family still see the same
person they knew and enjoyed spending time with before your break up.
Your friends still need you to listen when they have a problem at work, and they still want to
go out with you. The same goes for your family.
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All of these people should be happy to support you while youre getting over your split, as
they would with any other problem, but its a two-way street. Even when youre feeling low
you can still help them in little ways that will mean a lot.
Good company
Break ups can leave you feeling betrayed and abandoned but youre not really alone.
Remember that other people in your life can help and their feelings for you wont have
changed at all.
REMEMBER, IT WILL GET BETTER
Humans are amazing creatures. One minute were sheltering in caves wondering what
thunder is, a few millennia later were on our mobiles ordering pizza. Humans dont stand
still, they make progress. This is how we know things will get better, even after the most
awful break up.
We struggle, then we adapt.
The adaptive brain
Part of the reason human beings are so good at making progress is that our brains
physically adapt to different situations and stimuli. This means we can train ourselves to be
better at math, but it also means we can get over emotional upset. In both these challenges,
a little self-belief will get the ball rolling.
Knowing that you can change will make you more inclined to try and when you see youre
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making progress youll have even more self-belief and motivation to keep going.
Taking a break will ease your journey
If you feel like every day is a long and dreary trial, give yourself a break. A night out with
friends or a day at the spa will force you to relax and have some fun.
The change in brain chemistry will help you take a more positive perspective and gives a
hint of the progress that can be made.
Add breaks like these to your schedule on a regular basis and it will make your struggle
seem much easier to deal with. Dont be afraid to rely on friends and family for social and
emotional support as you recover.
Measure progress
Not convinced things will improve? Keep a diary and make an entry for each day (or as
often as you can manage).
Every week look back over your entries and you should see signs of progress. It may not
seem as if each day is a consistent improvement over the last, but the good days should
start to multiply over time.
Celebrate these small achievements and when your friends ask, let them know that things
are getting better. They will be pleased for you too and having external monitors should spur
you on to further improvements.
Learn from others
There are plenty of people who will have been through situations similar to yours. No two
break ups will be identical but they often involve similar elements and there is always a
degree of emotional upset.
You are therefore in the fortunate position of being able to draw on the experience of those
who have already been there and got over it. This could be friends, family members,
strangers in online forums or the myriad of self-help authors who fill our physical and online
bookshelves.
Nothing proves that things can get better like reading or listening to people who have lived
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through it and come out the other side.

Still feel awful?
Thats natural but it will change. Adapting and improving are part of human nature. This is
good news because nobody wants to spend the whole of the rest of their life being
miserable about a break up.
Take heart, know that it can be done and it will happen!
WAYS TO HELP TAKE YOUR MIND OFF YOUR BREAK UP AND RELAX
Youre single again. Its messed up your feelings, your sleep pattern, and your ability to
focus at work. What do you do?
Take your best friends out to a bar
A few cocktails or beers (or whatever else you love to drink) will help you relax and enjoy
yourself. Theres no need to get blind drunk because you wont be upset youll be too busy
laughing with your friends.
Tip:
o You dont have to show too much flesh after all youre not doing this to impress a
man. Just make sure your hair, clothes and make up make you feel good about your
appearance.
For men, similar rules apply. Dont leave the house in an un-ironed shirt just because she
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wasnt there to tell you not to. Looking good will do wonders for your self-esteem.
Get a new hobby
This is guaranteed to take your mind off the whole thing, as long as you pick something
youre really interested in.
An art class, learning French, or taking up power lifting, will give you a new focus and make
positive use of your time.
If your hobby involves exercise thats even better because then you have the benefit of
releasing endorphins with each run, class or workout. Endorphins are natural mood
boosters, great for relieving stress.
Go to a spa
Spas arent for everyone but if you can find a treatment those appeals to you they can be
wonderfully relaxing.
Facials, massages and body scrubs or wraps are all designed to soothe.
If you sit at a desk all day you might like to try a sports massage they can hurt a bit but
they certainly take your mind off things!
Get a pet
OK, this can be a bit pricey and its not for everyone, especially if you have allergies, but if
you know you can afford the time and expense then its a great distraction.
Friendly pets that like to be stroked are best for stress relief and dogs are always pleased to
see you!
Take a holiday
A holiday with friends, family members, or even on your own, is fabulous for relaxing and
forgetting about your break up.
It could be a week in the sun or a weekend on a drizzly campsite, and dont worry if youve
no one to go with. As long as you take precautions (and a good book) theres no reason not
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to have a good time.

Do things you couldnt do when your ex wasnt your ex
Relationships always involve compromise. Was there a CD you couldnt put on when they
were around? Did they groan every time you put Ice Road Truckers or Shakespeare
documentaries on? Perhaps they refused to see that horror film at the cinema and you
ended up going to watch a comedy instead?
Now is the time to re-discover that music, Programme or film and others like them!
A weekend in your pyjamas watching TV marathons may not sound healthy but its very
relaxing and a nice treat.
Help someone else
Does your friend need help weeding their garden? Is there a local charity that needs clothes
or other stuff you could donate? Maybe your local primary school needs people to help
children with their reading?
Helping someone else allows you to focus on their troubles instead of your own and its a
great way to feel good about yourself.
Tip:
o Some voluntary work can be stressful so be careful what you pick. Dont be put off
by thinking you need to commit to regular hours either, some organizations are
happy for people to help out on an irregular basis.
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BE HONEST AT WORK
Your employer and colleagues could be a surprising source of support after a break up, but
only if you give them the opportunity by being honest.
Its true you wont want to over share, but if you dont explain whats going on how can you
expect them to deal with your changes in mood and behavior?
Taking time out
If you explain the situation to your employer they may be happy for you to take a couple of
days off to get over the shock of your split, or to find a new home.
Calling in and pretending to have a migraine will make you feel worse for lying, and your
colleagues wont understand why youre so upset when you get back the following day.
Taking you off the phones
If your job involves customer service, telesales or anything else that requires you to be
chirpy and visually or audibly enthusiastic, you may need to ask for a temporary
reassignment.
A receptionist who cries, or a telesales operative who gets angry, wont do well for
themselves or the company they represent. If youd rather not have the time off but youre
struggling to cope with normal duties, be honest with your employer.
Untapped potential
Your colleagues may be a mine of useful advice and helpful information about how to cope
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with a break up. Jeff from accounts might know a great solicitor and Marjory from R&D
might be an expert in stress management but how will you know if youre not honest about
whats going on?
You dont have to advertise it on the intranet, just tell the people you work with most why
youre likely to be a bit down over the next few weeks. You may be inundated with help and
learn things about your colleagues youd never have known otherwise.
Become known for your maturity and professionalism
If your employer knows what youre going through, then theyll also know what youve
overcome when you get back to your old routine or take on new and extra responsibilities.
You may have been unable to shine in the immediate aftermath of your break up, but by
being honest with your employer and dealing with it proactively, youll have demonstrated
an impressive level of maturity.
With a little effort and enthusiasm you can show your employers youre made of strong stuff
and their opinion of you will be higher than it was before your break up.
Avoid complications
Even if you dont believe the old saying honesty is always the best policy, it can certainly
help you avoid complications.
If you lied and concealed your break up from your employer and colleagues you could end
up resenting the need to keep the lie going.
What if you struggle to cope with your old duties but you cant ask for help because
everyone thinks your fine?
What if your colleagues keep asking about your weekends or invite you and your partner out
for Christmas drinks? Do you really want to keep lying to these people?
If you dont tell them youll never move on.
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HOW TO NOT BE A VICTIM AFTER A BREAK UP
If your world has just fallen apart after a break up theres a good chance youll be feeling a
bit battered and sorry for yourself. Its a normal reaction to this kind of emotional upset but
sometimes these feelings go too far and take over what should be a happy and progressive
life.
When youre struggling with negative thoughts and feelings because of your break up, there
are certain thought patterns and behaviors you need to watch out for.
Im obviously not good enough for a real relationship
Every break up can be a blow to the ego and you may end up questioning your worth as a
human being. It is very important that you dont convince yourself the above statement is
true because it will become a self-fulfilling statement.
How can you move on and find happiness if youre constantly questioning your own value?
When someone asks you out or agrees to a date, youll start wondering what they see in
you and whats wrong with them.
Everybody has failed relationships; theyre a normal part of life. Even if you accrue several
failures, it doesnt mean youre not good enough or that theres some implacable barrier
thats keeping you from being happy in a couple.
Its true that you may be partly responsible for the break up. Choose to learn from the
experience and trust that next time, things might actually work out.
Everyone must feel sorry for me Ive been treated badly
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After a break up you are entitled to some sympathy from your friends and relations. This
doesnt have a strict time limit but if youre still demanding sympathy and dwelling on your
break up years later, you may find the well has run dry.
Your family and friends will want to support you but you have to help yourself too. If you end
up focusing on your misery for too long then people are bound to get impatient.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and life will get easier.
Why is life so much better for everyone else?
It may feel as if youve taken several steps backwards after your break up, but your friends
and family are still motoring along, getting promotions, enjoying retirement, or happily
coupled-up or playing the field.
If you hate people for not being in the same situation as you then you will soon run out of
friends. Then youll have alienated people who really cared about you.
Jealousy is not your friend so try to be happy for the people you know who are doing well.
Everyone is awful just like my ex
This is similar to the first problem on the list but instead of devaluing yourself youve started
to see your exs bad traits in everyone else.
Re-imagining the awful things your ex put you through will not help you get over it and it
certainly wont help you maintain your friendships or find somebody new.
If youre ex cheated, so what? Not everybody cheats in a relationship! If they took you for
granted, that doesnt mean someone else will do the same.
You have to learn to trust people again. Theres no switch to make that happen but if you
give people a chance youll see theyre not all out to get you or about to break your heart. If
your world has just fallen apart after a break up theres a good chance youll be feeling a bit
battered and sorry for yourself. Its a normal reaction to this kind of emotional upset but
sometimes these feelings go too far and take over what should be a happy and progressive
life.
When youre struggling with negative thoughts and feelings because of your break up, there
are certain thought patterns and behaviors you need to watch out for.
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What are some tips for getting over a breakup?

What are some tips for getting over a breakup?

What are some common emotional stages after a breakup?

What are some common emotional stages after a breakup?

LOVE IS MERCIFUL

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

SURVIVING THE BREAK-UP

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

MONEY AND FINANCE

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

DURING THE EARLY DAYS

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

BREAKING UP AND HOW TO TELL OTHERS

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

Making you feel better will be their sole interest.

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

BREAKING UP WHEN THERE ARE CHILDREN

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

Make sure your children know:

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

The list of cons could be:

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

so that youre both happy) is to talk it through together.

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

MUSIC TO HELP MUSIC TO AVOID

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

TOP STRATEGIES TO HELP COPE WITH SADNESS

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

Give yourself something to look forward to

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

SURVIVING THE BREAK-UP

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

Why make things worse?

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

get some sleep too!

REDISCOVER YOUR STRENGTHS

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

work if youre likely to end up crying on the phone to customers or absent-mindedly

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

ACCEPT HELP FROM FRIENDS

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

LOOKING FORWARD AFTER

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

KEEP YOUR DIGNITY

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

Ask your friends