THE BIG BANG THEORY

"The Canine Long Division Analysis"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

INT. SHELDON AND LEONARDS APARTMENT - DAY

Leonard walks into the room, and sees Sheldon sitting on the
sofa, videotaping himself clipping his toenails onto the
floor. He clips the final toenail and turns off the video
camera.
SHELDON
Hello, Leonard.
LEONARD
... Hi.
Sheldon uses a handheld vacuum cleaner to clean up all
the toenail clippings.
SHELDON
Arent you gonna ask why I
videotaped myself clipping my
toenails?
LEONARD
Listen. There are a thousand
reasons why you might videotape
yourself clipping your toenails.
And I dont want to hear any of
them. Id rather hear about why
Capn Crunch has eyebrows on his
hat.
Leonard and Sheldon stare at each other for a few seconds.
LEONARD
Fine. Why did you videotape
yourself clipping your toenails?
SHELDON
I think the real question is, how
come we dont all videotape
ourselves clipping our toenails?
LEONARD
I think the real question is, how
can I avoid having these types of
conversations with you?
SHELDON
I think the real question is, why
does Capn Crunch have eyebrows on
his hat?

2.
LEONARD
Its probably the same reason why
you videotaped yourself clipping
your toenails. Hes insane.
SHELDON
Well. Thats an interesting
theory. By the way, Ive been
meaning to tell you something.
LEONARD
What?
SHELDON
I like the way you breathe.
LEONARD
Excuse me?
SHELDON
Your inhalations are right on the
mark, and your exhalations arent
too shabby either.
LEONARD
I see. Um. let me ask you
something. Before you started
videotaping yourself clipping your
toenails, did you happen to take
300 hits of LSD?
SHELDON
No. Its just that Ive been
reading Dale Carnegies How to Win
Friends and Influence People.
LEONARD
I see. And thats why you
videotaped yourself clipping your
toenails?
SHELDON
No. Thats why I offered my
commentary on your breathing. How
to Win Friends and Influence
People. Chapter 7: Give sincere
compliments.
He smiles.
SHELDON
Chapter 6. Smile at people.
Penny walks in.

3.
PENNY
(to Leonard)
Hi honey.
(to Sheldon)
Hey Sheldon.
SHELDON
Penny--Ive meaning to talk to you
about something.
PENNY
Let me guess. You dont like how I
say nucular instead of nuclear.
SHELDON
No. Well, yes. But Ive also been
meaning to talk to you about
something else.
PENNY
OK.
SHELDON
I just wanted to tell you that I
think youre a good actress. I
especially enjoyed the way you held
up a bottle of ointment in that
Preparation H commercial. And if I
were to cast a commercial for foot
powder, youd be the first person
Id call. So in summary, I think
youre a good actress, and your
acting makes me want to buy
ointment and foot powder.
PENNY
Well. Thank you, Sheldon. And, uh,
I think youre a good physicist.
SHELDON
I am a good physicist--but youre
not educated or intelligent enough
to really know that. I mean, when
you watch me working on an
equation, its comparable to a dog
watching a person do long division.
The dog doesnt really know whether
the person is dividing correctly.
The dogs not even aware that the
person is doing math. All he sees
is a bunch of scribbles. And if you
put a bowl of bacon in front of the
dog, itll take all of his
attention off of the scribbles.

4.

PENNY
So youre saying Im dumb as a dog?
SHELDON
No.
PENNY
So youre saying I can be
distracted by a bowl of bacon.
SHELDON
No, no, no. I was just using an
analogy to illustrate my point--but
I guess you didnt get it.
PENNY
So youre saying Im smarter than a
dog, but not smart enough to
understand your analogy.
Sheldon grabs his copy of How to Win Friends and Influence
People, and reads a page for several seconds.
SHELDON
Leonard--Im not sure what to do
here.
LEONARD
Try the smile.
Sheldon smiles at Penny. Penny stares blankly at Sheldon.
SHELDON
(to Leonard)
I dont think its working.
LEONARD
Maybe you should read Chapter 8.
SHELDON
I have an idea.
(puts down the book)
(to Penny)
Let me put it this way. When you
watch me doing physics, youre like
a dog.
LEONARD
I dont think thats in Chapter 8.
SHELDON
I have a plan, Leonard.
(to Penny)
(MORE)

5.

SHELDON (contd)
Like I was saying--when you watch
me doing physics, youre like a
dog. But when I watch you pick up
sarcasm, or talk your way out of a
ticket, or use your fashion sense
to choose an outfit, Im like a
dog. Ruff, ruff.
PENNY
Um. OK. And a ruff, ruff back at
you.
SHELDON
(to Leonard)
Shes barking at me, Leonard. I
think thats a good sign.
LEONARD
Yeah. Keep it up, and maybe shell
wag her tail and pee on your front
lawn.
SHELDON
(to Penny)
Getting back to my original
point--I think youre a good
actress.
PENNY
Thank you, Sheldon. And I think
youre a good, uh--well, Im not
gonna say "physicist" again,
because apparently, that would make
me like a dog complimenting
someones long division.
SHELDON
Now you get the analogy.
PENNY
I guess I do.
SHELDON
Penny--I think youre a good
actress, youre good at gaining an
understanding of my analogies, and
you have a very nice smile.
Penny smiles.

6.
PENNY
Leonard--you could learn a lot from
your friend here.
(to Sheldon)
Sheldon--I think youre a good
complimenter.
SHELDON
Why thank you, Penny. You know
what? I think youre good at
complimenting my compliments.
PENNY
I think youre right.
LEONARD
I think Im about to throw up.
SHELDON
Leonard--I think youre a good
Mario Kart player.
LEONARD
Um. Well. Thank you, Sheldon. And,
uh, I think youre a good
physicist.
SHELDON
I am a good physicist--but youre
not educated or intelligent enough
to really know that. I mean, when
you watch me working on an
equation, its comparable to a dead
man reading the plays of
Shakespeare.
LEONARD
Well. At least you didnt compare
me to a dog. Ill take that as a
compliment.
SHELDON
Its a sincere compliment.
Howard and Raj walk in.
LEONARD
Raj--Ive been meaning to talk to
you about something.
RAJ
Let me guess. You dont like the
way I say "lift" instead of
"elevator."

7.
SHELDON
Well. Yes. But Ive been meaning to
talk to you about something else. I
just wanted to tell you that I
think youre a tremendous chess
player.
LEONARD
(to Raj)
Sheldons been taking LSD and
reading How to Win Friends and
Influence People. Chapter 7 is on
giving people sincere compliments.
So far hes complimented your chess
skills, Pennys acting and smile,
and the way I inhale, exhale, and
play Mario Kart.
RAJ
I see.
SHELDON
And Howard, Ive been meaning to
talk to you about something.
HOWARD
Im listening.
SHELDON
I think you... I think you... I
think Yul Brynner is a good actor,
as is Penny.
HOWARD
Thank you, Sheldon. I think Mel
Gibson is a real jerk, as are you.
Sheldon pauses for a moment, and then smiles at Howard.
LEONARD
(to everyone)
One side effect of LSD is that it
makes you smile like a maniac.
INT. COMIC BOOK STORE - DAY
Leonard, Penny, Howard, Raj, CUSTOMERS
PENNY
Can we go now? I have to pee, and I
dont want to do it on the front
lawn.

8.
LEONARD
Give me two more minutes. I need to
buy a gift for John Bushkin. Hes
getting married.
PENNY
Is John Bushkin 10 years old?
LEONARD
No.
PENNY
Then maybe you shouldnt buy his
wedding gift at a comic book store.
LEONARD
I buy all of my friends wedding
gifts at comic book stores.
PENNY
And where do you go for the
bachelors parties? Chuck E.
Cheeses?
LEONARD
No. ... Well--there was that one
time.
RAJ
That was the best bachelor party
ever! Remember when Howard offered
Chuck E. Cheese $20 to strip out of
his mouse suit?
HOWARD
Yeah. And he had the nerve to ask
for 40. Who the hell does he think
he is--Mickey Mouse?
PENNY
OK. Can we please change the
subject to something other than
Howards mouse fetish?
LEONARD
Ive got a good one. The other day,
I walked in on Sheldon recording a
sex tape--except instead of having
sex with someone, he was alone and
clipping his toenails.
Sheldon is watching CALVIN SMITH (50) browse through some
comics.

9.

SHELDON
(referring to Calvin Smith)
You know who that is?
LEONARD
Who?
SHELDON
Calvin Smith--director of Dr.
Shocker, and the upcoming Solar
Man. Im gonna talk to him.
LEONARD
About what?
SHELDON
...I have a plan. How to Win
Friends and Influence
People--Chapter 7.
Sheldon walks over to
SHELDON
Mr. Smith. Im a big fan of your
films. And might I also add that I
think youre a really good
musician. I saw that YouTube video
of you drunk and shirtless, playing
the harmonica.
CALVIN
Thank you. You know, I get a lot of
compliments when it comes to my
superhero movies--but people
usually dont have much to say
about my harmonica playing. I do
get a few comments from my
wife--but theyre usually something
like, "Stop playing that harmonica,
you jackass."
SHELDON
You know, at the physics lab, Im a
member of a musical group known as
the Newton Kids on the Block. Were
a cover band that focuses mainly on
the Star Trek theme song. And it
just so happens that were looking
for a harmonica player.
CALVIN
Oh. So youre a physicist?

10.

SHELDON
Well. Im not just a physicist. Im
a physicist the way Mozart is a
piano player.
CALVIN
Wait. Did you say physicist or
narcissist?
SHELDON
Physicist.
CALVIN
You know, were filming a new movie
called Solar Man. Would you be
interested in auditioning for the
part of Carl, the wacky, arrogant,
offensive scientist?
SHELDON
Id love to. But before I do, I
should probably spend some time
studying a scientist who fits that
description, so I can get a better
sense of what a wacky, arrogant,
offensive scientist is like.
CALVIN
Or you can follow the advice that
Chuck Lorre gave to Charlie Sheen
right before they shot the first
episode of Two and a Half Men.
SHELDON
And what advice was that?
CALVIN
Just be yourself.
PENNY
Sheldon. Introduce me to your
friend.
SHELDON
OK. Mr. Smith--this is my friend
Penny.
PENNY
Hi.
CALVIN
Nice to meet you.

11.

PENNY
Im a big, big fan of your films.
SHELDON
What about his drunken, shirtless
harmonica playing?
PENNY
Its great. Um. Sheldon. Can you
tell Mr. Smith what you said about
me earlier? The compliment.
SHELDON
Right.
(to Calvin Smith)
I told her that I enjoy the way she
holds up bottles of ointment.
PENNY
(to Calvin Smith)
What Sheldon means to say is that
he enjoys my acting. Im an
actress.
CALVIN SMITH
Oh really? Have I seen you in
anything?
SHELDON
She played the lead in a delightful
commercial for Preparation H.
CALVIN SMITH
You dont say!
(to Penny)
When I was much younger, I
costarred in a commercial for
WD-40.
SHELDON
Interesting fact. But Im not so
sure its especially relevant to
our conversation about Preparation
H--unless WD-40 is also used to
treat hemorrhoids.
PENNY
Anyways...
(to Calvin Smith)
I heard about your upcoming movie,
and I would love to audition for a
part in it.

12.
SHELDON
That sounds like a good idea.
Especially if theres a character
that talks about and/or uses
Preparation H. Or better yet, you
can create an entirely new movie,
centered around a hemorrhoid-themed
superhero.
CALVIN
LSD is a hell of a drug. And if you
want to be in my movie, youre
gonna have to take a drug test.
PENNY
Hes not on any drugs. Thats his
actual personality. Anyways. About
my acting. I can play a wide
variety of non-hemorrhoid related
characters.
(takes out her cell phone)
Would you like to see my acting
reel?
SHELDON
(takes out his cell phone)
And would you like to see a
videotape of me clipping my
toenails?
CALVIN SMITH
Um. Maybe later.
(to Penny)
You know, were still looking to
cast someone for the role of
Jenna--the bubbly blonde assistant
to Carl the scientist.
PENNY
I can be bubbly! I can be blonde!
In fact, Im both of those things
in real life.
CALVIN
I see. Well, Jenna is also a drug
addict, and she secretly moonlights
as a prostitute.
PENNY
Well. Im not a drug addict or a
prostitute. But I do drink a lot of
Red Bulls, and I once tried on a
pair of clear heels.

13.

CALVIN SMITH
Great.
(to Sheldon and Penny)
I want both of you to come in on
Monday and audition.
SHELDON
Fantastic. That way we can carpool.
INT. CAR - DAY
Penny is driving, and Sheldon is in the passenger seat.
SHELDON
You look kind of nervous.
PENNY
Im not kind of nervous. Im
extremely nervous.
SHELDON
What about?
PENNY
What do you think?
SHELDON
Well. Im not good at making these
kinds of guesses. But Ill give it
a go. Now, lets see. Youre a
woman. And based on what Ive seen
on Sex and the City, Id say that
99% of womens concerns have
something to do with their romantic
relationships. So Im guessing that
youre nervous because you think
Leonard going to find out that
youre having an affair with a man
you refer to as Mr. Big.
PENNY
... You watch Sex and the City?
SHELDON
I watched 2.7 episodes of it with
Amy. I found it somewhat
entertaining--although I didnt
care much for the sexually themed
material, and the lack of space
travel.

14.

PENNY
I see. Well. I agree that Sex and
the City shouldve had less sex and
more missions to other galaxies. By
the way--Im not having an affair
with Mr. Big.
SHELDON
Oh. Well. Let me guess again.
Youre nervous because youre
planning to tell Leonard that you
know hes sleeping with a woman
named Natasha.
PENNY
Just a little suggestion. Maybe you
should stop watching Sex and the
City.
SHELDON
I will. As soon as I find out what
happens with Miranda and Steve. ...
So, uh, what are you so nervous
about?
PENNY
The audition! Im about to audition
for a role in a $100 million film.
SHELDON
... So no ones having an affair?
PENNY
No.
SHELDON
Well, maybe its time for one. I
mean, based on what Ive seen on
Sex and the City, Id say that
affairs can actually strengthen a
relationship, and make it
considerably more entertaining. I
actually have a few good candidates
for you to have an affair with. Im
thinking Joe the barrista at
Starbucks, Justin Beiber,
Congressman Eric Swalwell, or
Howard Wolowitz.
PENNY
What about Mr. Big?

15.
SHELDON
In this new equation, Leonard is
Mr. Big.
PENNY
And who the hell is Joe the
barrista in this equation?
SHELDON
Hes the guy who works at
Starbucks, and hes the guy that
you fantasize about late at night,
when youre alone, in bed, in your
New York City apartment.
PENNY
I see. ... The next time Sex and
the City is on, how about you
change the channel and watch Star
Trek?
SHELDON
Duly noted. So are you still
nervous about the audition?
PENNY
Yes!
SHELDON
OK. Well. I dont know much about
acting. Or people. Or pudding. Ive
come across pudding hundreds of
times, and I just dont get the
appeal. I mean, you can have
yogurt, you can have chocolate--but
why would anyone want a bastardized
combination of those two things?
PENNY
Whats your point?
SHELDON
Well. Im gonna go ahead and offer
you some advice.
PENNY
(sarcastically)
Yipee.
SHELDON
When it comes to pudding, just say
no. And when it comes to this
acting role, just go for it.

16.

PENNY
I see. One question. Am I supposed
to take advice from someone who
videotapes himself clipping his
toenails?
INT. AUDITIONING ROOM - DAY
Sheldon is reading lines with an ACTOR, while a CASTING
DIRECTOR (male, 40) and OTHERS (mostly male, 25-50) watch.
SHELDON
My brother? Forget about my
brother. My brothers an idiot
compared to me. He might know a
thing or two about chemistry--but
he doesnt possess the true genius
that resides in this brain.
ACTOR
But hes working with Nash.
SHELDON
Forget Nash. This isnt about Nash.
Why would you even bring up Nash?
ACTOR
Nash has the plutonium.
SHELDON
Plutonium baloney-um! This isnt
about plutonium! Now if youll
excuse me, theres someone I need
to go kill.
CASTING DIRECTOR
Well. That was good. Can you do it
again, but a little faster?
SHELDON
Sure. But before I do, I think
nows a good time to bring up some
issues I have with the script.
CASTING DIRECTOR
Issues with the script?
SHELDON
Yes. I actually took the liberty of
rewriting this scene so that its
not completely stupid.

17.

CASTING DIRECTOR
Completely stupid?! We paid $2.7
million for this script.
SHELDON
Well. Its certainly not up to the
caliber of The Dark Knight or Iron
Man. Or Sex and the City.
WRITER
I wrote the damn thing!
SHELDON
Well. Id advise you to take your
$2.7 million and run--because you
pretty much stole that money.
He takes a sheet of paper out of his pocket, turns to the
Actor and begins acting out his new version of the scene.
SHELDON
My brother? Why would you even
bring up an idiot like him? Hes
like the Ringo Starr to my John
Lennon. He might have memorized a
few facts about chemistry--but he
doesnt possess the true genius
that resides in my head. When he
watches me working on new formula,
hes like a dog watching a person
do long division. Im the type of
scientist who can create new
worlds. Hes the type of scientist
who belongs on a leash. Ruff, ruff,
ruff.
The Actor stares at everyone else, looking confused.
CASTING DIRECTOR
(to Sheldon)
OK. I think weve heard enough.
SHELDON
Great. So when do we start
shooting?
The Casting Director gets on his phone.
CASTING DIRECTOR
(into phone)
Tell security that we need them in
room 402 immediately.

18.

INT. AUDITIONING ROOM 2 - DAY

Penny walks in to another auditioning room. Seated across
from her are Calvin Smith and a few OTHER PEOPLE.
PENNY
Hi. Im Penny
CALVIN SMITH
Yes, of course. The Hemorrhoid
Cream Girl at the Comic Book Shop.
MAN
(to Calvin Smith)
What kind of a Comic Book Shop do
you go to?
CALVIN SMITH
(to Penny)
Hows your lunatic friend doing?
PENNY
Great. He went to the other
building, to audition for that
scientist role.
CALVIN SMITH
Great. Well. That role is actually
pretty minor. Yours is more
substantial.
PENNY
But Im the assistant to his
character.
CALVIN SMITH
Right. But this role is less about
your job as a scientists
assistant, and more about your job
as a prostitute.
PENNY
Oh. I see. I guess I shouldve put
on more makeup.
CALVIN SMITH
Anyways, go ahead and read your
lines. And dont forget to be
blonde and bubbly.

19.

INT. SHELDON AND LEONARDS APARTMENT - DAY

Penny and Sheldon walk in.
LEONARD
So. How did the audition go?
PENNY
Well. They said they really liked
the way I played a scientists
assistant. But they didnt really
think I did a convincing job
playing a prostitute. I think their
specific feedback was, "Youre not
quite whore-ish enough."
LEONARD
Oh. Well. Listen. They liked you as
a scientists assistant. That says
a lot. You got that half of the
role down. And, you know. Not every
actor is versatile enough to be the
perfect fit for everything that
every role requires. Even Jack
Nicholson isnt a very convincing
prostitute. And for the record, I
think youre a fantastic
prostitute. Well, um, what I mean
is that, well, there was that one
time we were, you know, role
playing together, and um, your role
was a woman in that profession.
And I remember thinking to myself,
"Wow. Penny is a total prostitute."
Or, wait. No. Thats not quite what
I meant, either. Youre not a total
prostitute. Except when you want to
be. That is, when youre playing a
prostitute for non-prostitutal
reasons. And not when youre having
sex for money. Not that you have
sex for money. You dont. Everyone
knows that you have sex for
free. But, Im not saying that you
have sex with everyone for free.
You have sex with me for free. And
you charge everyone else. That last
line was a joke. The point is, you
have sex with me for free, and
everyone knows it. Wait. thats not
the point.

20.
PENNY
I get it, Leonard. You think I can
act like a prostitute when the role
requires it.
LEONARD
Exactly.
(to Sheldon)
So howd it go for you?
SHELDON
Fantastic.
LEONARD
Really? You got the part?
SHELDON
Well. Not quite. They liked my
performance--but then we ran into a
few creative differences, and I
ended up throwing their $2.7
million script in the garbage, and
making their screenwriter cry and
threaten to kill me.
LEONARD
Um. That doesnt sound like a way
to win friends and influence
people.
SHELDON
I suppose not. So I guess I wont
be adding Solar Man to my
filmography .
LEONARD
What filmography?
SHELDON
The one with my toenail clipping
video.
LEONARD
Well. If you didnt get the part,
then what are you so happy about?
SHELDON
Well. I actually did win a friend
at the studio.
LEONARD
At the studio? Who did you meet
there?

21.

SHELDON
Captain Jean-Luc Picard--a.k.a. Sir
Patrick Stewart. We got to talking
in the hallway, and we really hit
it off. Were gonna work together.
LEONARD
Holy crap! Is he gonna get you a
part in the next Star Trek movie?
SHELDON
Even better. Hes gonna join
the Newton Kids on the Block. I
hear he plays a mean harmonica.
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Leonard and Penny are in bed.
PENNY
Let me ask you something. Are you
cheating on me with a woman named
Natasha?
LEONARD
No. Are you cheating on me with a
moose named Bullwinkle?
PENNY
No.
LEONARD
So. What role is next for you?
PENNY
Probably not prostitute.
LEONARD
Wait. You mean in a movie, or here
in this bedroom?
PENNY
Both.
LEONARD
Great. Because in this room, I
prefer Penny, the bubbly blonde
actress.
PENNY
And I prefer Leonard, the brilliant
brunette scientist. I just wish
(MORE)

22.

PENNY (contd)
that Penny had a career as
fulfilling as Leonards.
LEONARD
Oh. Well. Experimental physics
isnt as exciting as people make it
out to be. I mean, once youve seen
one proton, youve seen them all.
PENNY
Do you really think Im a good
prostitute, or were you just saying
that to make me happy?
LEONARD
I think youre a great prostitute.
If there were an Academy Award for
most whorish portrayal of a
prostitute, Id give the award to
you every year.
She romantically cuddles up with him.
PENNY
Thanks, Leonard.
She kisses him.
PENNY
You always know what to say to make
a girl feel good about herself.
INT. SCIENCE LAB - DAY
Sheldon, Raj, a SCIENTIST, Axl Rose, and Patrick Stewart
play the Star Trek theme song by using various instruments
or by humming and singing.