Low Budget Scarface Spoof

Download as pdf or txt
Download as pdf or txt
You are on page 1of 79

Low Budget Scarface Spoof

by

Rodney Ohebsion
INT.IMMIGRATIONPROCESSINGROOMDAY

TONY(40,Cuban)isseatednearadeskinasmallroom.An
IMMIGRATIONOFFICIAL(male,50)issittingontheother
sideofthetable.

IMMIGRATIONOFFICIAL
So,youwanttoliveherein
America.

TONY
Absolutely.
(pointstoanAmerican
flaguponthewall)
Lookatthatflagoverthere.
That'sbeautiful.Iloveit,man.
It'sgotstarsandstripes.You
knowwhattheyputonaCuban
flag?Octopus.Theygotafucking
octopusontheflag.InCuba,
everymorning,youpledge
allegiancetoanoctopus.Youget
up,yousay,"Ipledgeallegiance
totheorangeoctopusofthe
CommunistRepublicofCuba."Then
yousmokeacigar.Onlyit'snota
Cubancigar.It'sanUruguayan
cigar.InCuba,nobodycanafford
Cubancigars.Isn'titironic?
That'sanactualcaseofirony.
Maybethatfuckingwaspwhore
AlanisMorisetteshouldputthat
inhersong,insteadofsinging
aboutspoonsandrain.

IMMIGRATIONOFFICIAL
That'salovelystory.Now,tell
methis.Whatdidyoudofora
livinginCuba?

TONY
Bananas,man.

IMMIGRATIONOFFICIAL
Whatdidyoudowiththebananas?

TONY
Ishovedthemupmyass.Whatdo
youmeanwhatdidIdowiththem?
Igrewthemandsoldthem.

IMMIGRATIONOFFICIAL
Inwhatcity?
2.

TONY
Havana.

IMMIGRATIONOFFICIAL
WhatpartofHavana?

TONY
Montana.

IMMIGRATIONOFFICIAL
SoyousoldbananasinMontana,
Havana?

TONY
Yes.

IMMIGRATIONOFFICIAL
Baloney.

TONY
Notbaloney.Bananas.

IMMIGRATIONOFFICIAL
Fuckyouandyourbananas!I'mnot
buyingthatstory,buddy.Iknow.
Iknowyou'rejustanother
criminalthatCubastryingto
dumponus.

TONY
NoImnot.

IMMIGRATIONOFFICIAL
Oh.Well.Iguessyou'renot.

HehandsTonyagreencard.

IMMIGRATIONOFFICIAL(CONT'D)
Here'syourgreencard,Mr.
Dakota.WelcometoAmerica.

(Later)

NowMANNY(35)isbeinginterviewed.

IMMIGRATIONOFFICIAL(CONT'D)
DoyouspeakEnglish?

MANNY
Si.

IMMIGRATIONOFFICIAL
HowwelldoyouspeakEnglish?
3.

MANNY
Muchobueno,man.Like,Iknowa
lotofwordsinEnglish.For
instance,obfuscate,
quantification,andcocksucker.

IMMIGRATIONOFFICIAL
Doyouknowwhatanyofthose
wordsmean?

MANNY
Well.Iknowwhatcocksucker
means.I'mnotsosureabout
obfuscateandquantification.I
mean,whatkindofacocksucker
usesstupidwordslikeobfuscate
andquantification?

IMMIGRATIONOFFICIAL
Okay.So,uh--whatdidyoudofor
alivinginCuba?

MANNY
Pass.

IMMIGRATIONOFFICIAL
Whatkindofajobispass?

MANNY
No.Imeant,Idliketopasson
thatquestion.Moveontothenext
one.

IMMIGRATIONOFFICIAL
...Youcantpassonaquestion.

MANNY
Whynot?

IMMIGRATIONOFFICIAL
Because.Thisisn'ttheFamily
Feudbonusround.Now,whatdid
youdoforalivinginCuba?

MANNY
Uh.Let'ssayIwasadoctor.

IMMIGRATIONOFFICIAL
Whatdoyoumeanlet'ssayyou
wereadoctor?Wereyouadoctor?

MANNY
Iwasadoctor.LikeGeorge
Clooney.
4.

IMMIGRATIONOFFICIAL
GeorgeClooneyisnotadoctor.

MANNY
ButonTV,hepretendedtobea
doctor.

IMMIGRATIONOFFICIAL
...Areyoupretendingtobea
doctor?

MANNY
Uh.No.I'madoctor.Like,um,
letmeshowyou."Nurse!Ineed
300CCsof,like,fucking
medicine!Stat!"Youknow.I'ma
doctor.

IMMIGRATIONOFFICIAL
(handshimagreencard)
Okay.Here'syourgreencard,Dr.
Fuentes.WelcometoAmerica.

EXT.BUSYMIAMISTREET-DAY

CloseuponMannysface

MANNY
Canyoubelieveit,man?Were
legalresidents,andwealready
gotjobs.

Mannyisstandingonthesidewalknexttoashoppingcart
filledwithbananas.Tonyisseatednearbyworkingona
pencilsketchoftwomenstandingnexttotwogiantempty
eggshellhalves,oneofwhichhasaCubanflagdrawnon
it.TonylooksupatManny.

TONY
...Youcallthisajob?Ididnt
cometoAmericatodothis,man.

Acarpullsupnearthem.TheDRIVERpullsdownhiswindow.

DRIVER
Howmuch?

MANNY
Onebunch,onedollar.

TheDriverhandshimaonedollarbill,andMannyhandshim
abunchofbananas.TheDriverdrivesaway.
5.

TONY
Imtellingyou,man.Thiscityis
likeonegreatbigchickenjust
waitingtogetfucked.

MANNY
...Whatchicken?Whatareyou
talkingabout?

TONY
Thepointis,thisisMiami.It's
alandofopportunity.Sowhyare
wesellingbananas?Imean,it's
liketheysayinCuba."Los
pantalonesesalimony,las
matafakasescucaracha.

MANNY
...Whatdoesthatmean?

TONY
Youknowwhatthatmeans.You
speakSpanish.

MANNY
Right.Butmaybeyoushouldjust
saywhatitmeans,soeveryone
willunderstand.

TONY
Itmeans,"Don'tbeselling
bananas,whenthestreetsare
pavedwithgold."

MANNY
Listen,man.Bananasare
delicious,andnutritious.
Potassium.It'sanelectrolyte.

TONY
Idon'tgiveafuck.Respectable
businessmendon'tsellnobananas.
Theyselldrugs.

MANNY
Wegottatakethingsonestepata
time,Tony.Asin,stepone:
bananas.Steptwo:drugs.Steps.
Youknow?Imean,youdon'tstart
moving50keysofyayothefirst
dayyougettothetheJooniteh
Stay.

TONY
...JoonitehStay?
6.

MANNY
Yeah,man.

TONY
...ItstheUnitedStates.It's
notthetheJoonitehStay.Joo
soundlikejorefreshoftheboat
whenjoopronounceitlikethat.

INT.SMALLCUBANHOME-DAY(BLACKANDWHITESCENE)

SUPERIMPOSE:CUBA

TONY6(Tonyatage6)issittingonthefloor,finishing
upalargecrayondrawingofFidelCastrosittingonthe
toilet.Tony'sbrotherBENNY7isdressedinapolice
officercostume,holdingacoupleofbananasasiftheyre
guns,andplayingcopsandrobberswithanimaginary
robber.TONYSMOTHER(30)andhisAUNT(32)areseatedat
akitchentabledrinkingcoffee.

TONYSMOTHER
(toTony6)
Tony--showyourAuntyourdrawing.

TonypicksupthedrawingandshowsittohisAunt.

TONYSAUNT
Itsbeautiful.

Heputsthedrawingbackdownandcontinuesworking.

TONYSMOTHER
(toTonysaunt)
Youknow,maybeonedayTonywill
becomeafamousartist,andBenny
willbecomethechiefofpolice.

TONY'SAUNT
Absolutely.Bytheway--Iloveit
hereincommunistCuba,andIhate
America.

TONY'SMOTHER
Me,too.Afterall,Ibelieveall
theCubanpropagandathatsays
CubaisgreatandtheAmerican
Constitutionisstupid.

TONY'SAUNT
Yes.Ialsobelievethat
propaganda.
7.

TONY
Meandyou--thetwoofusare
sheep.Thewaythecommunist
governmentwantsustobe.

TONY'SMOTHER
Si.Wearecommunistsheepin
Cuba.Baaaaaaa.

INT.APARTMENTROOM-DAY

Mannyislyingnakedontopofapileofbananas.

Tonyenters.

TONY
Whatareareyoudoing?

MANNY
I'mpracticing.

TONY
Forwhat?

MANNY
I'mnotsure.

TONY
Well.Putonyourclothesfora
second.Youcanpracticelater.

MANNY
Okay,man.

Heputsonhisclothes.

TONY
Goodnews.Igotussomereal
jobs.

MANNY
Realjobs?

TONY
Yeah.

MANNY
Asin,drugdealer?

TONY
Asin,killer.We'rekillers.
We'rekillerswhoworkforadrug
dealer.
8.

MANNY
Whatdrugdealer?

TONY
SomeguynamedGoldyGoldenberg
Goldenstein.

MANNY
Oh.He'sPakistani?

TONY
He'sJewish.

MANNY
Oh.Iwasprettyclose.

INT.APARTMENTBUILDINGHALLWAY-DAY

TonyandMannywalkthroughthehallwayandstopinfront
ofanapartmentunitsfrontdoor.

MANNY
Youready?

Tonylooksatathiswatch.Itreads12:58.

TONY
Letswaitalittlewhile.

MANNY
Why?

TONY
It's12:58.Itsbadlucktokill
peopleduringthelasttenminutes
ofanhour.

MANNY
That'sanexcellentpoint.Buton
theotherhand,itsnotagood
ideatohangaroundfortwo
minutes,outsidetheapartmentof
theguyyoureabouttokill.

TONY
That'salsoanexcellentpoint.
...Okay.Howaboutwegoinside,
chitchatwithhimforacoupleof
minutes,andthenwekillhim?

MANNY
That'sanexcellentplan.

Tonyknocksonthedoor.
9.

MANSVOICE(O.S.)
Yeah.

TONY
WereMr.Goldenbergsassociates.
Weneedtosettleafewmatters
withyou.

ThedoorisopenedbytheMAN(30,white).TonyandManny
walkin.

INT.APARTMENTROOM-DAY(CONT.)

TONY
Sitdown.

TheMansitsdownonasofa.

TONY(CONT'D)
That'sanicesofa.

MAN
Uh.Thankyou.

TONY
...Iwanttositonthatnice
sofa.Yousitsomewhereelse.

MAN
Okay.

Hegetsupandsitsinachair.

Tonysiteonthesofa.HenoticesaMcDonald'sbaglyingon
atablenearthekitchenette.

TONY
What'sinthatbag?

MANNY
AQuarterPounderwithCheese.

TONY
Letmeaskyousomething.Doyou
knowwhattheycallaQuarter
PounderwithCheeseinCuba?

MAN
No.

TONY
Theydontcallitshit--cause
theydonthaveMcDonald'sin
Cuba!
10.

MAN
Right.Becauseofthemetric
system.

TONY
(toManny)
Checkoutthebrainonthisidiot.
(toMan)
No.Notbecauseofthemetric
system.Becauseofthecommunist
system.ButI'mnotheretotalk
aboutcheeseburgersandcommunism
rightnow.

Tonyremovestheshadefromalamp.Heremovesthe
lightbulbfromthelamp.Hetakesagreenlightbulboutof
hispocket,andscrewsitintothelamp.Heturnsonthe
lamp.

TONY(CONT'D)
Doyouknowwhatthatis?

MAN
Um.Agreenlightbulb?

TONY
Yeah.Doyouknowwhatitmeans?

MAN
No.Whatdoesitmean?

TONY
Itmeansabsolutelynothing.It's
meaningless.It'sagreen
lightbulb.Itdon'tmeannothing,
fucker!

MAN
Right.Becauseofthemetric
system.

Tonystandsup,picksupthelamp,andthrowsitagainsta
wall.

TONY
Saymetricsystemagain!Idare
you!...Letmeaskyouthis.Have
youeverheardofamanbythe
nameofMahatmaGandhi?

MAN
Ithinkso.IshethatIndianguy
onTheBigBangTheory?
11.

TONY
No.

MAN
Right.'Causeofthemetric
system.

TONY
Youshutup!Youshutyourmouth!
I'mtryingtoteachyouabout
MahatmaGandhi....Youknow,
theresaquoteofhisIreally
like.

Tonytakesagunoutofhispocketandpointsitatthe
Man.

TONY(CONT'D)
(meanly)
"Non-violenceisthegreatest
forceatthedisposalofmankind!"

TonyfiresthreebulletsintotheMan.

MANNY
That'sagoodquote,man.

TONY
Yeah.Greatquote.

MANNY
But,youknow.Youkilledthat
guy.

TONY
So?

MANNY
Killingsomeoneisn't
non-violence.It'sprettymuchthe
oppositeofnon-violence.Inother
words,it'sviolence.

TONY
Well.Youknow.Iwasspeakingin
generalities.Generallyspeaking,
non-violenceisthegreatestforce
atthedisposalofmankind.But
everyonceinawhile,yougotta
shootsomepieceofshit.

MANNY
DidGandhisaythat?
12.

TONY
Idon'tknow,man.Ididn'tread
hiswholebiography.

INT.APARTMENTROOM-DAY(LATER)

AcoupleofDETECTIVESareexaminingtheMansdeadbody
whileaFORENSICPHOTOGRAPHERsnapsphotos.

DETECTIVE1
So,uh,shouldwedustforprints,
lookforhairs,interview
neighbors?

DETECTIVE2
(casually)
No--thatdoesntseemnecessary.
Thislookslikeanobvious
suicide.

DETECTIVE1
But...nogunwasfoundatthe
scene.Andhewasshotmultiple
times.

DETECTIVE2
Well.Illjustputdown...
(writesinapad)
...assistedsuicide.

INT.BAR-EARLYEVENING

Mannyisseatedatatabledrinkingbeer.Tonywalksinto
thebarandsitsdownnexttohim.

MANNY
Sowhathappened?

TONY
Mr.Golbenberg'sguys--theygave
methenextassignment.

MANNY
Whodowehavetokillthistime?

TONY
Werenotkillersanymore.Were
drugdealers.

MANNY
Whatdrugsdowehavetobuy?
13.

TONY
Yayo.Fromanewsupplier.Some
Colombianguy.

MANNY
...FuckingColombians.Idon't
trustColombians.

TONY
Meneither.FuckingColombians.

MANNY
Seriously,man.Thesefucking
Colombians.

TONY
Exactly.FuckingColombians.I
don'ttrustColombians.

MANNY
Meneither.FuckingColombians.

TonyspotsanattractiveWOMANstandingafewyardsaway.

TONY
(toWoman)
Hey.Youwannahaveadrinkwith
meandmyfriend?

WOMAN
No.

TONY
...Youwannagotomyapartment
andhavesex?

WOMAN
Sure.

TONY
Butlet'shaveadrinkfirst.

WOMAN
No!Nomeansno!

TONY
Wellthenfuckyou!OK!I'mnota
pieceofmeat.Ifyouwanttohave
sexwithme,firstyougottahave
adrinkwithme.OK?Drink,then
sex.Idon'tjusthopintobed
withsomewomanbeforehavinga
drinkwithher.
14.

WOMAN
Fine.OK.We'llhaveadrink.

Shewalksovertohimandsitsdown.

TONY
Also,we'regonnahavea
conversation.

WOMAN
OK.So,uh--whatdoyoudofora
living?

TONY
Iusedtobeakiller.NowI'ma
drugdealer.

MANNY
(toWoman)
I'madoctor.

EXT.MOTEL-DAY

Mannyisstandingattheendofamotelcorridor.

Tonyisseveralroomsdown.

Tonywalksuptoaroomandknocksonthedoor.Mannyhides
behindthecorridorcorner.AnOLDLADYopensthedoor.

OLDLADY
Yes?

Tonylooksatherandthenglancesintoherroom.

TONY
Hi.I'mheretobuydrugsfrom
somefuckingColombian.

OLDLADY
Isee.Well.I'mnotsomefucking
Colombian.Ithinkyourelooking
forthegentlemannextdoor.

TONY
Oh....OK....Sorrytobother
you.

Sheclosesthedoor.Mannyreappearsfromaroundthe
corner,andwatchesasTonywalksuptothenextroomand
knocksthedoorMannyonceagainhidesbehindthecorner.A
COLOMBIANMAN(45)opensthedoor.
15.

COLOMBIANMAN
Hola.

TONY
Hola.IamTony.

COLOMBIANMAN
AndIamsomefuckingColombian.
Entra.

INT.MOTELROOMDAY(CONT.)

Tonywalksin.TheColombianManclosesthedoorbehind
him.

Theywalktothecenteroftheroom.

COLOMBIANMAN
So.Howareyoudoing?

TONY
OK.Howareyoudoing?

COLOMBIANMAN
OK.

ATHUGburstsoutofthebathroomholdingamachinegun.He
pointsitatTony.

COLOMBIANMAN(CONT'D)
OK!Enoughsmalltalk!Wheresthe
money,youCubanasshole!

TONY
(Pointsoutthewindow)
Itsover...

COLOMBIANMAN
Nottalking,huh?!Toughguy,
huh?!
(totheThug)
Bringoverthechainsaw!

THUG
Wedidntgetone.

COLOMBIANMAN
Well,doyouhaveaknifeor
something?

THUG
No.Idon'tgotnoknife.
16.

COLOMBIANMAN
Well,canyouatleastgetmea
pieceofpaper!?

TheThughandshimapieceofpaper.

COLOMBIANMAN(CONT'D)
(ToTony)
Sitdown!

Tonysitsdownonanearbychair.

TheColombianMangrabsaropeandtiesTonytothechair.
Hethentakesthepieceofpaper,and,withasadisticlook
onhisface,usesitsedgetogiveTonypapercutsonhis
forearm.

EXT.MOTELROOMDAY(CONT.)

Mannyisholdingastethoscopeuptothedoor.

COLOMBIANMAN(O.S.)
Nowareyoureadytotalk,ordo
youwantmore!

Mannythrowsthestethoscopeasideandringsthedoorbell.

INT.MOTELROOMDAY(CONT.)

TheColombianManlookstowardsthedoor.

COLUMBIANMAN
(totheThug)
Who'sthat?

Hewalkstowardsthedoor,looksintothepeephole,and
seesManny.

COLOMBIANMAN
Whoisit?

MANNY(O.S.)
Yeah--Imheretodeliversome...
freeprostitutes.

COLOMBIANMAN
Freeprostitutes?Ididn'torder
anyfreeprositutes.

MANNY(O.S.)
Iknow.I'mfrom,uh...Free
ProstitutesIncorporated.
(MORE)
17.

MANNY(O.S.)(CONT'D)
It'sacompany.Wejustgodoorto
door,andweprovidepeoplewith,
um...prostitutes.Free
prostitutes.

TheColombianManthinksforafewmoments,shrugshis
shoulders,andthenturnstotheThugandsays

COLOMBIANMAN
HidetheCubaninthebathroom.

TheThuggrabsTonyschairanddragsitandTonyintothe
bathroom.Hethenwalksoutofthebathroomandclosesthe
door.

TheColombianManopensthefrontdoor.

COLOMBIANMAN(CONT'D)
(toManny)
Uh...wherearetheprostitutes?

MANNY
Theyre...inmyvan.Uh...Would
youguysmindturningaroundfora
minute?I...needtogiveyouan
AIDStest.

COLOMBIANMAN
AnAIDStest?

MANNY
Yeah,man.That'soneoftherules
atmycompany.FreeProstitutes
Incorporated.Theruleis,first
yougetanAIDStest.Afteryou
getanAIDStest,yougetthefree
prostitutes.

TheColombianManandtheThugturnaroundMannytakesa
gunandsilenceroutofhispocket,attachesthesilencer
tothegun,andthenpointsandfiresseveralshotsinto
TheColombianManandtheThug,causingbothofthemto
falltotheflooranddie.

INT.MOTELROOM-DAY(LATER)

TwonewDETECTIVESandanewFORENSICPHOTOGRAPHERare
examiningthedeadbodiesoftheColombianManandThug.

DETECTIVE1
Isupposetheyshoteachotherup.
18.

DETECTIVE2
Actually--itlooksliketheywere
bothshotintheback.

DETECTIVE1
...Yeah--thatsright.

DETECTIVE2
So,uh,shouldwestartamurder
investigation?

DETECTIVE1
...WhatdoIlooklike--Sherlock
Holmes?ThisistheMiamiPD.
Aroundhere,wedon'tdoallthat
murderinvestigationstuff.
(startswritinginpad)
Illjustputdowndoubleassisted
suicide.

INT.BAR-DAY

TonyandMannywalkin.TonyspotshisMOTHERseatedata
table.

TONY
Mama?!

TONY'SMOTHER
(Coldly)
Rigatoni.

TONY
Howyoudoing?

TONYSMOTHER
(Coldly)
OK.Longtimenosee.

TONY
Si.

TONY'SMOTHER
What?

TONY
Si.That'sSpanishforyes.You
said"longtimenosee."ThenI
saidsi.Asin,yes.Simeansyes
inSpanish.
19.

TONY'SMOTHER
StopspeakingSpanish,puto!This
isanAmericanmovie!...So.What
haveyoubeenupto,Tony?

TONY
Computers.Idocomputers.You
know.Like,um--youknowthose
computerspeoplehave?Myjobis
to,like,uh--computers.Ido
computers.

TONYSMOTHER
Baloney.

TONY
Notbaloney.Computers.

TONY'SMOTHER
Yeah.I'llbetyoudocomputers.
You'reacomputerengineer--andI
supposeyourfriendhereisa
doctor.Letmeaskyousomething,
Tony.YouknowwhatIseeevery
nightwhenIwatchTV?

TONY
Uh.TheBigBangTheory?

TONY'SMOTHER
Iseeanimalslikeyouonthe
news,doingcrimesinMiami.Im
notlikeyou,Tony.Imanhonest
person.Iworkformyliving.

TONY
Whatdoyoudo?

TONYSMOTHER
(proudly)
Iamanembezzler.

TONY
Oh--excuseme,Mrs.Embezzler.

ShestandsupandslapsTonyontheface.

TONYSMOTHER
Youthinkyouretough?!Lookat
mewhenImtalkingtoyou!

TONY
Imlookingrightatyou.
20.

TONYSMOTHER
Wellthenlookatthefloor!

Heputshisheaddownandlooksatthefloor.Sheslapson
thefaceagain.

TONYSMOTHER(CONT'D)
Nowlookatmeagain!

HelooksatherSheslapshimagain.

TONYSMOTHER(CONT'D)
Shutup!...Nowwhatdoyouhave
tosayforyourself?

TONY
WellI...

Sheslapshimagain.

TONYSMOTHER
Isaidshutup!

TONY
Calmdown.

TONYSMOTHER
Ivehadenoughofyournonsense,
Tony.Stayawayfromme.

Shebeginswalkingoutofthebar.AMANstaresasher.

Shestops,slapstheManontheface,andresumeswalking
out.

(Later)

TonyandMannyareseatedatatablewithGOLDYGOLDENBERG
GOLDENSTEIN(45,Jewish).

GOLDY
Tony.Manny.Iwanttothankyou
forallthegoodworkyou'vedone
forme.

TONY
It'sourpleasure,Mr.
Goldenstein.Ikillpeoplefor
fun.

MANNY
Me,too.AndyouknowwhatelseI
doforfun?Sudokupuzzles.You
putnumbersinboxes.
(MORE)
21.

MANNY(CONT'D)
IdoSudokupuzzles.Forfun.And
Ikillpeople.Alsoforfun.

AWAITERwalksuptothetableholdingabottleof
Manischewitzwine.

GOLDY
Pouritforallofus.

TheWaiterpourswineforGoldy,Tony,andManny.

GOLDY(CONT'D)
ThisisManischewitzsbestwine.
$4.98abottle.PlusCRV.

TonyandMannydrinksomewine.

GOLDY(CONT'D)
It'sgood,isn'tit?

TONY
No.

GOLDY
Yeah.It'snotthatgood.

GoldypointstoABRAHAMSILVERSTEIN(40,HasidicJew,fat),
who'seatingasandwichseveraltablesaway.

GOLDY(CONT'D)
Seethatguyoverthere?Thats
AbrahamSilversteinoftheGlatt
KosherMafia.HegetspaidfiveGs
amonthjusttowalkintoafew
restaurantsandcertifythat
they'rekosher.Ittakeshimten
seconds.Hejustwalksinand
glancesaround.$5,000amonth.
He'sathief.Like,Igotoa
kosherdeli,Ibuyapastrami
sandwich,itcosts$12insteadof
$11,becausethatextradollaris
usedtolinethepocketsofthat
fatfuck.Infact,thewayI
figureit...

Hetakesacalculatoroutofhispocketandbeginspunching
insomenumbers.

GOLDY(CONT'D)
...overtheyears,hiskosher
certificationfeeshavetakenover
twothousanddollarsoutofmyown
pocket.
22.

Hecontinuestypingdataintohiscalculator.

GOLDY(CONT'D)
Figureintwelveandahalf
percentinterestcompounded
hourly,andthenumberisupto...
$38,400.

Hethinksforafewseconds,andthengetsoutofhisseat
andmakeshiswaytowardsSalvatore.

TonyandMannywatchasGoldyconfrontsSalvatoreand
exchangessomeangrywordswithhim(thatwe[aswellas
TonyandManny]cannothear).Goldythentakesahandgun
outofhisjacketandpointsitatSalvatore,who,quite
terrified,nervouslytakesouthiswallet,opensit,takes
outaboutadozenbills,andhandsthemtoGoldy.Goldy,
stillnotsatisfied,angrilyyellsandpointsat
Salvatoreswatch,promptinghimtoremoveitfromhis
wristandhanditoveraswell.Goldycalmlywalksbackto
histableandsitsdownnexttoTonyandManny.

GOLDY(CONT'D)
Thatbringsustorulenumberone:
"Youwantmoney?Don'twaitfor
peopletogiveittoyou.Goout
thereandgetit!"

TONY
That'sagoodrule.

GOLDY
Rulenumberonekindofremindsof
somethingmygrandmotherusedto
say:Meshuggennahkenbubbeleh
yentlshiksebubkuspickle,boca
ratonshtuptuchisgoyimfiddler
ontheroof.

TONY
Whatdoesthatmean?

GOLDY
"Foreveryonehonestman,there
arefiveassholeswhoyoushould
treatlikeassholes,because
they'reassholes."

TONY
Thatkindofremindsofasaying
wehaveinCuba:DosFeliz
NavidadmiSpeedyGonzalez,la
tortillaelplatanoestabeunos
nochesAlbertoEinstein.
23.

GOLDY
Whatdoesthatmean?

TONY
"Inbusiness,yougottawatchout
fortwokindsofpeople:Jews,and
Gentiles."

MANNY
Tony.Theydon'tsaythatinCuba.

TONY
Welltheyshouldstartsayingit!
It'sagoodsaying!

GOLDY
Absolutely.Andmovingontorule
numbertwo.

Hetakesasmallbagofcocaineoutofhispocket,sticks
hispinkyfingerin,takesitout,andsnortssomecocaine
offofit.

GOLDY(CONT'D)
"Nevergethighonyourown
supply."Andthenthere'srule
numberthree.Rulenumberthree
is,"Don'tfollowrulenumber
two."So,yeah.Rulenumberthree
invalidatesrulenumbertwo.

MANNY
That'sgood.AndthereIwas,
sittingaroundlikeanasshole,
thinkingthatI'mnotsupposedto
gethighonmyownsupply.

GOLDY
Listen,fellas.Ireallylikeyou
two,andIwantmakeyoumySenior
VPsinchargeofoperationsand
beatingthelivingshitoutof
people....So....Whatdoyou
say?

TonylooksatManny.

TONY
Isay,playamontage.Youvegot
yourselfacoupleofVPS.

MONTAGE
24.

INT.ROOM-DAY(CONT.)

TonyandMannyarecountingmoney.

INT.TONYSAPARTMENT-DAY(CONT.)

MannyislyingfacedownonthefloorwhileTonywalks
barefootontopofhisback.

INT.TONY'SAPARTMENT-NIGHT(CONT.)

Tonyissittinginthedarkinhisunderwear,usinga
plasticsporktoeatbeansoutofacan.

INT.TONY'SAPARTMENT-DAY(CONT.)

TonyandMannyarewatchingtelevision.Theysuddenlyget
upandbegincelebrating(slappinghands,smiling,jumping,
etc.)

Welookatthetelevision,andseeakeyscenefroma
popularchick-flick.

EXT.PARK-DAY(CONT.)

AblindfoldedTonyhitsapinatawithabat.Itbreaks
open,andcocainecomespouringoutofit.

Hetakesoffhisblindfold,getsonallfours,andsnorts
cocaineofftheground.

ENDMONTAGE

INT.SMALLCUBANHOME-DAY(BLACKANDWHITESCENE)

TONY12isholdingapaintbrush,andworkingonavariation
ofVanGoghsPotatoEatersfeaturingTonyandhisfamily,
andriceinplaceofpotatoes.BENNY13walksinholding
twobucketsofwater,singingthethemetoCops.

BENNY13
Badboys,badboys/Watchagonna
do?/Watchagonnadowhenthey
comeforyou?/Badboys,badboys
/Watchagonnado?/Watchagonna
dowhentheycomeforyou?

TonysMotherisseatedatakitchentablecontainingthree
platesofriceandbeans.
25.

TONYSMOTHER
Tony!Benny!Lunchtime!

TonyandBennymaketheirwaytothekitchen.Theysit
down.

TONYSMOTHER(CONT'D)
OK.Beagoodcommunist,andeat
yourbeansandrice!

TONY12
HowcomeincommunistCuba,we
havebeansandrice,andthat's
it?

TONY'SMOTHER
Because,Tony.It'sdelicious.
Beansandrice.

TONY12
Ormaybeit'sbecausetheCuban
economyisnotasstrongasthe
governmentismakingitouttobe.
Oneday,I'mgoingtoMiami.Miami
islikeonegreatbigchickenjust
waitingtoget...

TONY'SMOTHER
Shutyourmouth,Tony!Stop
talkingaboutchickens,andstart
beingagoodcommunist.Baaaaaa.

INT.APARTMENTLIVINGROOM-LATEAFTERNOON

MannyissittingonasofawatchingTV.Tonywalksoutof
thebedroomwearingasharpoutfitandlookingwellgroomed
andreadytogoout.

MANNY
Whereareyougoing,man?

TONY
GoldyisinBolivia.Hewantsme
totakeouthiswife,andkeepher
company.

MANNY
...Soareyougoingtotryto
havesexwithher?

TONY
Yeah.Bytheway,doyouhaveany
moreofthosecondomswiththe
holesinthetips?
26.

MANNY
OfcourseIdo.That'smy
preferredmethodofbirthcontrol.
It'stheonlyonethat's99.9%
ineffective.

EXT.GOLDYSHOUSE-EARLYEVENING

Tonyringsthedoorbell.GoldyswifeANITA(25,white)
opensthedoor.

TONY
Youready?

AnitaseesTonyscar--aChevyChevettethatlookslike
itsbeenthroughafewdozenhurricanes--parkedonthe
street.

ANITA
Isthatyourcar?

TONY
Yeah.Youlikeit?

Tonytakesouthiskeys,pointsthekeylessentryremote
towardsthecar,andpressesabutton.Thecarhornplays
thehooktoGuantanamera.

ANITA
Itlookslikeapieceofgarbage.

TONY
Youknow,thatsaactuallya
commonmisinterpretationofthe
car'sabstractexpressionist
style.

ANITA
Andwhatexactlyisittryingto
expressabstractly?

TONY
ThatIdriveapieceofgarbage.

ANITA
Well.Imnotgettingintothat
car.

TONY
(calmly)
...OK.Gobackinsideforafew
minutes.I'lltakecareofthis.
27.

Anitalooksathim,walksbackinthehouse,andclosesthe
door.

EXT.GOLDY'SHOUSEEARLYEVENING(MINUTESLATER)

Tonyisstandingnexttothedoor.Heringsthebell,and
thenrunsbacktothecarandducksbehindit.

Anitaopensthedoor.

ANITA
Hello?

Shelooksaround,spotssomecocaineontheground.She
getsonherkneesandsniffsit.Afterdoingso,shelooks
forwardandspotssomemorecocaineonthegroundafew
feetaway.ShewalksovertoitandsnortsitThispattern
continuesuntilsheclosesintowardsTony'scarparkedin
thestreet.Thecardoorisopen,andthereissomecocaine
onthefrontpassengerseat.

Shecrawlsupontothepassengerseatandsnortsthe
cocaineonit.

Tonyclosesthedoorbehindherandgetsintothecar.He
pourssomecocaineonhislapShebeginssnortingit.He
drivesoff

INT.DINER-NIGHT

DINERSareseatedinamediumsized50sstylediner.

TonyandAnitaareatatable,studyingtheirmenus.

TheirWAITERwalksover.

WAITER
Whatdoyouwant?

ANITA
Illhaveaveggieburger.

WAITER
Andhowdoyouwantthecow
killed?

ANITA
Cow?Iorderedaveggieburger.
28.

WAITER
HereatShenanigan'sDiner,our
veggieburgerscontainanall-beef
patty,andnovegetables.That's
theshenanigan.Wealwaysgiveyou
theoppositeofwhatyouorder.

ANITA
Wellthen.
(looksathermenu)
IguessI'llhavetheporterhouse
steak.

WAITER
Andtodrink?

ANITA
Uh.Tapwaterfromadirtyhose.

HeturnstoTony.

WAITER
Howboutyou,youCubanasshole?

TONY
LetmehaveaCaesarsalad.Anda
PepsiFree.

WAITER
IfyouwantaPepsi,you'regonna
havetopayforit.It'sfive
dollars.

TonystandsupandslamstheWaiter'sheadagainstatable.

Tonytakesoutahugesackofcocaine,pourssomeofits
contentsontothetable,andsnortsupsomeofit.

TONY
(toAnita)
Feelfreetohelpyourself.

ANITA
Thanks.

Anitasnortssome.

TONY
So--Iheardyou'reanactress.

ANITA
Yeah.IwasonaTVshowcalled
FoxForceFive.
29.

TONY
OK.Enoughaboutyou.Letstalk
aboutme.

ANITA
OK....Uh--myhusbandtellsme
youkillpeopleanddealdrugs.

TONY
Well.IprefertosayImin
non-lifesolutionsandcoca
derivativedistribution.

ANITA
So,you'repartoftheCubancrime
wave.

TONY
Hey.That'sfucking,um,you
know...offensive.

ANITA
Butisitaccurate?

TONY
Absolutely.Veryaccurate.Cuban
crimewave.I'mleadingthewave.

Hegetsupanddoesthe"wave."AfewCUBANMENinthe
restaurantfollowsuit.

ANITA
So.WhydyouleaveCuba?

TONY
Well--there'sasaying.Vamosa
bailar,compraunacar,Neiman
Marcusmuchadressy,UncleJoey
UncleJesse.

ANITA
Whatdoesthatmean?

TONY
Itmeans,Cubaisnotagood
country.FuckCuba....But,I
willadmit,Idomisssomethings
aboutCuba.Someofthelittle
things.

ANITA
Likewhat?
30.

TONY
Like,uh--youknowwhattheycall
aQuarterPounderwithCheesein
Cuba?

ANITA
TheyhaveMcDonald'sinCuba?

TONY
No.

TonyspotsERNESTO(Cuban,60)bussingtables.Helooksat
him.

ANITA
Um.Doyouknowthatguy?

TONY
That'smyfather.Ihaven'tseen
himintenyears.

EXT.DINER-NIGHT

TonyandErnestoarestandingoutsideofthediner.

TONY
WhendidyoumovetotheUnited
States?

ERNESTO
Ayearago.Whataboutyou?

TONY
Well.let'ssee.Themontage
denotedthepassageoftwoyears.

ERNESTO
Montage?

TONY
Yeah.Montage.Thisisamovie.

ERNESTO
Whatever.Listen,Tony.IknowI
haventbeenthebestfatherin
thepast.Butnowthatwe're
togetheragain,Iwanttomakethe
bestofthisopportunity.

TONY
You'vealreadyhadamillion
opportunities.Youdidn'tusenone
ofthem.
(MORE)
31.

TONY(CONT'D)
Youwerentthereformyfirsttap
dancerecital,myfirstmurder,my
bar-mitzvah.

ERNESTO
Tony.WerenotJewish.

TONY
Whatever,man.Thepointis,I
hardlyevenknowyou.Andnowthat
youseewearinga$550suit,you
suddenlydecideyouwanttobe
partofmylife?

ERNESTO
Well.Toacertainextent,yes.

INT.TONYANDMANNY'SAPARTMENT-DAY

Mannyisonceagainlyingnakedonapileofbananas.Tony
enterstheroom.

MANNY
Goodmorning.

TONY
Goodmorning,man.

MANNY
Howdidyourdategolastnight?

TONY
Prettygood.Igottagosellsome
yayonow.

MANNY
OK.I'lljusthangoutherewith
thebananas.

TONY
Yeah.Youdothat,yousickfuck.

INT.TEXTILESTORE-DAY

CloseUponTony

TONY
Theytellmeyoubuyfrom
McLaugherty.

CloseUponOWNER(male,40)
32.

OWNER
Yeah.McLaughterty.That'smymain
supplier.

TONY
Well--notanymore.Fromnowonyou
buyfromus.Fivekeysamonth.

OWNER
Fivekeys?

TONY
Yeah.WedealthebestBolivian
yayoinallofBolivia.Theyayo
wegotissogood,youtakeone
hit,andyoustartthinkingyour
nameisEngelbertHumperdinkand
youdriveanelectricvehicle.
Okay?Bolivianyayo.Youbuyfive
keysamonthfromus.

OWNER
Um.I'msurethatyouguyshave
somegreat...Bolivianyayo.
But...thereseemstobesome
confusionhere.

PanOuttorevealthatthey'reinatextilestore.

OWNER(CONT'D)
I'minthetextilebusiness.I'm
notintheyayobusiness.

TonypullsoutagunandpointsitattheOwner.

TONY
I'mTonyDakota,man!Idontgive
afuckwhatbusinessanyone'sin!
Iselleveryonefivekeysofyayo
amonth!Ifyourunanykindof
businessinMiami,that'swhatyou
buyfromme!Fivekeysamonth!

OWNER
(scared)
OK.I'llbuyfromyou.Fivekeys.
But,Imean,whodoIsellitto?

TONY
ThisisMiami,man!99%ofthe
peoplehereusecocaine.Sellit
tosomeofthem.
33.

INT.GOLDYSHOME-DAY

Goldyisstandingnearhisdoorwaytalkingtoapersonthat
hasyettoberevealedtous.

GOLDY
Imtellingyou--Tonyisoutof
control.He'sactinglikeheruns
myoperation.Ican'ttrusthim.I
can'thaveamaniaclikethat
makingmoves.Ijustwanttomove
ahundred,twohundredkeysa
month,andthat'sit.I'mnot
lookingtocontrolhalfofthe
yayointhistown.

ThecamerapansouttorevealayoungGIRLSCOUTstanding
outsideGoldysopenfrontdoor.

GIRLSCOUT
...Sodoyouwantbuyanycookies
ornot?

GOLDY
No!Nowgetlost!

TheGirlScoutwalksaway.

Goldyclosesthedoorandcallssomeone.

GOLDY(CONT'D)
(onphone)
Yeah.Iwantyoutokeepaneyeon
Dakota....WhatdoyoumeanNorth
orSouth?..No--notthestate.
Theguy.TonyDakota.Watchhim
likeahawk.Seewhathe'supto.

INT.PSYCHIATRISTSOFFICE-DAY

TonyissittingacrossfromaPSYCHIATRIST(male,50).

TONY
Sohowmanykeysarewetalking
about,man?

PSYCHIATRIST
We'renottalkingaboutanykeys,
Tony.I'myourpsychiatrist.I'm
tryingtodiagnoseyou.

TONY
OK.Doyourthing,Ziggy.
34.

PSYCHIATRIST
Well,Tony.Basedonwhatyouve
beentellingmeaboutyourself,
suchasyourbeliefthatitsbad
lucktokillpeopleduringthe
lasttenminutesofanhour,your
recitationofGandhiquotesbefore
eachofyourkillings,andyour
habitofsnortingcokelinesin
multiplesofthree,Ithinkyou
haveOOCCDD,orOddballObsessive
CompulsiveCokeDealersDisorder.

TONY
...No.That'snotit.That'snot
agooddiagnosis.

TonytakesoutapistolandpointsitatthePsychiatrist.

TONY(CONT'D)
AndnowImgonnacancelyour
fuckingcontract.

PSYCHIATRIST
Tony--waitasecond.Ihavea
coupleofgreatalternate
theories.Onehastodowith
manic-depression,andtheother...

TONY
Shutup!

Tonylooksathiswatch.Itsays2:59.Hecalmsdownand
reststhegunonhislap.

TONY(CONT'D)
Souh...youknowwhattheycall
ChickenMcNuggetsinCuba?

PSYCHIATRIST
Um.ChickenLosNuggets?

TONY
No.Theydon'tevenhave
McDonald'sinCuba.

PSYCHIATRIST
Oh.Right.Becauseofthemetric
system.

TONY
Metricsystemmyass!Whydoes
everyonekeeponbringingupthe
metricsystem?
35.

PSYCHIATRIST
Tony.There'sthisfantasticnew
drugcalledmefahexacor.Studies
haveshown...

Tonyglancesathiswatchagain.

TONY
Oh--Imsorry,butlookslike
youreoutoftime,psychiatrist.

HepointshisgunatthePsychiatrist.

TONY(CONT'D)
(meanly)
"Happinessiswhenwhatyouthink,
whatyousay,andwhatyoudoare
inharmony."

TonyfiresthreebulletsintothePsychiatristsbody.

TONY(CONT'D)
MahatmaGandhi.

INT.GOLDYSOFFICE-DAY

Goldyisseatedathisdesk.HisASSISTANT(male,early
thirties,tall)isstandingacrossfromhim.

GOLDY
OK.SoyouspiedonTonyallday?

ASSISTANT
Allday,boss.

GOLDY
Whatdidhedo?

TheAssistanttakesapieceofpaperoutofhispocket,
unfoldsit,andbeginsreading.

ASSISTANT
Hegotup.Hesnortedsomecoke.
Hedidsomepushups.Hesnorted
somecoke.Heshowered,dressed,
andatebreakfast.Hesnortedsome
coke.Heleftthehouseandgot
intohiscar.Hewenttothe
library.Hegotintoanargument
withthelibrarianovertheDewey
DecimalSystem.Hewenttoseea
psychiatrist.Heshotthe
psychiatrist.Hedrovehome.
(MORE)
36.

ASSISTANT(CONT'D)
Heworkedonapainting.He
snortedsomecoke.Hehadsexwith
yourwife.Andhewenttosleep.

GOLDY
Hehadsexwithmywife?

ASSISTANT
Right.
(looksatthepaper)
Hehadsexwithyourwife,right
betweenwhenhesnortedsomecoke
andhesnortedsomecoke.

Goldylooksfurious.Secondslater,thereisaknockonthe
door.

GOLDY
Whothehellisthat?!

TheAssistantwalksovertothedoorandlooksthroughthe
peephole.

ASSISTANT
ItsBillBullshitstein.

GOLDY
Sendthatassholein!

TheAssistantopensthedoortorevealBILL(50,Jewish).
Billwalksintotheoffice.HelooksatGoldy.

BILL
Goldy.Ithoughtaboutwhatyou
said,and,youknow,I'dbe
willingtosellyoumydelifor
threehundredthousanddollars.
Ordinarily,Iwouldn'tgothis
low.But,youknow.We'refriends.

Goldystaresathimwithameanlookonhisface.

BILL(CONT'D)
...OK.Twohundredfifty
thousand.Butthatsaslowas
Illgo.

Goldystilllookspissed.

BILL(CONT'D)
...OK.Twohundredthousand.But
Ican'tgoanyloweratall,no
way.
37.

GoldysexpressionremainsthesameBillwalkstowardsthe
door.

BILL(CONT'D)
Ialreadyhaveafootoutthe
door.Onehundredninetythousand,
andthatsit.

GOLDY
...Youknow,wordonthestreet
is,youtakecareofproblems.And
bytakecareofproblems,Imean
killpeople.

BillwalksbacktoFranksdesk.

BILL
...Well,betweenmeandyou,I
haveastableofsomeofthe
finesthitmeninMiami.Andrest
assured,allofourhitsareone
hundredpercentglattkosher.

Goldygiveshimanothericecoldstare.

BILL(CONT'D)
...OK,maybetheyrenota
hundredpercentkosher.But,you
know.Wenevermixmeatwith
dairy.

GOLDY
...Well...itjustsohappensIm
inthemarketforanewhitman.
AndIalreadyhaveafirst
assignment:...Kill...Tony...
Dakota!

INT.SMALLCUBANHOME-NIGHT(BLACKANDWHITESCENE)

TONY18walksintothehouseandismetbyhisMother.

TONYSMOTHER
(angry,concerned)
It's12:30.Wherewereyou?

TONY18
Uh...Computers.Iwasdoing
computers.

TONYSMOTHER
YouthinkIdontknowwhats
goingon,Tony?!
(MORE)
38.

TONYSMOTHER(CONT'D)
YouthinkIdontknowyourea
criminal,andyouhangoutwith
thatnogoodMannyFuentes?!

TONY18
Hey--hesaniceguy.

TONYSMOTHER
Hekillspeopleforaliving!

TONY18
Notalways.Sometimeshekills
peoplejustforfun.

TONYSMOTHER
Whycantyoubemorelikeyour
brother?Ughhh.Icanjustseeit
now.Illhaveonesononthe
policeforce,andanothersonin
prison.

TONY18
WhichonewillIbe?

TONYSMOTHER
Theoneinprison!

INT.ROOM-EARLYEVENING

Ernesto(Tony'sfather)isfinishingupaperformanceof
SantiagoChileinfrontofacoupleofMENandTony.

ERNESTO
(Singingandplayingthe
guitar)
DeSantiagoChile/DeSantiago
Chile/DeSantiagoChile/Te
ChileOoooh

MAN1
(toMan2&Tony)
Yup--heseverythingyouguys
said.
(toErnesto)
Mr.Dakota--youcanstart
performingattheTropicananext
week.We'llbeintouch.

HeshakesErnestoshand,andheandMan2leavetheroom.
ErnestoturnstoTony.
39.

ERNESTO
Tony.AfterallthetimesI
ignoredyouwhenyouweregrowing
up,whydidyouhelpmegetajob?

TONY
Well,itsliketheysayinmy
country:Mishuevossonmuchos
rancheros,JenniferLopezpara
bailarLaBamba.......Dont
youwanttoknowwhatthatmeans?

ERNESTO
Tony--Iknowwhatitmeans.Im
fromyourcountry.

TONY
Oh....Well,Illtranslateit
anyways.Ifagoodpersonis
unwillingtohelpoutanasshole,
thenthegoodpersonmightnot
reallybeagoodperson....By
theway,Imthegoodpersonin
thisequation.

ERNESTO
(somewhatannoyed)
Uh.Yeah.Ifiguredyouwere.

TONY
...Andyouretheasshole.

ERNESTO
(annoyed)
Yeah--Igetit.

INT.LOBBY-EARLYEVENING

TonywalksintoaMensRestroom.

AHITMAN(25)covertlywatchesfromseveralyardsaway.
Afterafewseconds,hewalksintotheRestroom.

INT.MENSRESTROOM-EARLYEVENING(CONT.)

Tonyisstandingataurinal.TheHitmanslowlywalks
towardsTonysback.HemakeshiswaybehindTonyand
reachesforahandgun.Ashedoesthis,Ernestowalksinto
theMensRoomandseestheHitmanandhisgun.

(InSlowMotion)

ErnestoyellsouttoTony.
40.

ERNESTO
Tony!Turnaround!

Tonyturns,seestheHitmanandhisgun,grabshiswrist,
andpullshisshootingarmupandaway.Ashedoesthis,
theHitmanpullsthetrigger,sendingabulletinErnestos
direction.ThebullethitsErnesto.HeyellsAh,and
fallstothefloor.

TonyandtheHitmanstruggleforthegunthatisstillin
theHitmanshand.Ernestogetsup,runsover,andpunches
theHitmanintheface,sendinghimtothefloor,and
allowingTonytoprythegunfromhishand.

(EndSlowMotion)

TonypointsthegunatthefallenHitman,andwithhiseyes
ontheHitman,saystoErnesto,

TONY
Areyoualright?

HITMAN
Well.Myjawkindofhurts.But
otherthanthat,ImOK.

Tonypoints/tiltshisheadtowardsErnesto.

TONY
Iwastalkingtohim!

HITMAN
Thenwhywereyoulookingatme?

TONY
BecauseImpointingagunatyou!
...Ernesto,areyoualright?

ERNESTO
Imfine.Thebulletbarelygrazed
myarm.

TONY
(toHitman)
SoIsupposeyoureahitman.

HITMAN
Areyoutalkingtohim,orareyou
talkingtome?

TONY
I'mtalkingtoyou!
41.

HITMAN
Whenyousayyou,doyoumeanhim,
orme?

TONY
You,motherfucker!You,theguy
I'mpointingagunat.You'rea
hitman.

HITMAN
Uh.Yeah.

TONY
OK,hitman.Youwantajob?

HITMAN
Uh...sure.

TONY
Howmuchdoyouchargeperhit?

HITMAN
TentofortyGs.

TONY
Andhowmuchforyoutohit
yourself?

HITMAN
Well.Thatsoundsprettysimple.
...TenGs.

TONY
OK.

Tonypullsfivethousanddollarscashoutofhispocketand
throwsitandhisgunattheHitman.

TONY(CONT'D)
Heresfive.Illgiveyouthe
restwhenyoufinishthejob.

HITMAN
OK.

TONY
(toErnesto)
Letsgo.

TonyandErnestowalkoutoftheRestroom...
42.

INT.LOBBY-EARLYEVENING(CONT.)

...andbackintotheLobby.Secondslater,theyheara
singlegunshotfromtheBathroom.

TONY
Thatfuckingdumbass.Thesecond
hecomestocollecttheotherfive
thousand,Imgonnashootthat
pieceofshit.

EXT.STREETPAYPHONE-NIGHT

Tonyisusingastreetpayphone.

Heinsertsaquarterintotheslotanddialsanumber.

TONY
(imitatingtheHitman)
Yeah--wegothim.Hesfinished.
...Uh...sorry.Wrongnumber.

HehangsupthephoneHethenglancesdownatapieceof
paperthatreadsPeopleWhoMightWanttoKillMeontop,
andcontainsalistwiththefollowingnames:theDiaz
Brothers(Groucho,Harpo,andChico),BennyBlanco,Beverly
DAngelo,JohnnyLovo,Goldy,JackValenti,NancyReagan,
Pikachu.Hecrossesoffoneofthenames,andthenpicksup
thephone,insertsaquarter,anddialsanothernumber.

TONY(CONT'D)
(imitatingtheHitman)
Yeah--wegothim.Hesfinished.
...Uh...sorry.Wrongnumber.

Hehangsupthephoneandcrossesoffanothername.He
looksathiswatch.Itsays7:16.

[Later]

Tonyswatchnowreads7:22.Heputsanotherquarterinthe
payphoneanddialsanumber.

TONY(CONT'D)
(imitatingtheHitman)
Yeah--wegothim.Hesfinished.
...Uh...sorry.Wrongnumber.

Hehangsupthephoneandtakesouthislist,whichnowhas
abouttennamescrossedout.Hecrossesoutanothername,
putsanotherquarterintothephone,anddialsanother
number.
43.

TONY(CONT'D)
(ImitatingtheHitman)
Yeah--wegothim.Hesfinished.
...OK.Illtellhim.

Hehangsupwithafuriouslookonhisface.

TONY(CONT'D)
Goldy!

INT.GOLDY'SOFFICE-NIGHT

Goldyissittingathisdesk.MannyandTonywalkintothe
officewithgunsinhand.

TONY
Beunosnoches,motherfucker.

GOLDY
Uh.Nothanks.Ididn'torderany
nachos.

TONY
I'mnotdeliveringnachos.I'm
speakingSpanish,culero.Spanish.
Asin,"Dondeestalabiblioteca?"
Youknowwhatthatmeans?

GOLDY
No.Whatdoesitmean?

TONY
Itmeans"whereisthelibrary!"
Peoplesaythatallthetimein
Spanish-speakingcountries.That's
whyineverySpanishclassin
America,thefirstthingthey
teachyouis"dondeestala
biblioteca!"Andthesecondthing
theyteachyouis"megustala
manzanaroja!"Ilikethered
apple.Youfuckingcockroach.

GOLDY
Waitasecond."Megustala
manzanaroja"means"Ilikethe
redapple,youfuckingcockroach?"

TONY
No.You'rethefuckingcockroach.
"Eresunaputacucaracha!"

GOLDY
Andwhatabouttheredapple?
44.

TONY
Iliketheredapple.

GOLDY
Uh...What'swiththegun?

TONY
Gun?Whatgun?

GOLDY
Theguninyourhand?

TONY
Oh.That?That'snothing.You
know.I'minthecomputer
business.

Acellphoneonatablerings.Tonyimmediatelytakesaim
andfiresseveralbulletsatit.HeturnstoGoldy.

TONY(CONT'D)
Someoneinthisroomisa
cocksuckingtraitormotherfucker.
...GuesswhoI'mtalkingabout?

GOLDY
...You?

TONY
No.

GOLDY
...Manny?

TONY
No.

GOLDY
...You?

TonypointsthegunatGoldy.

GOLDY(CONT'D)
Tony!Youvegotmeallwrong!
Yourenotthinkingstraight!Its
thattimeofthemonth.Imean,
listen.WhateveryouthinkI
did--Ididntdoit!

A(landline)phoneringsafewtimes.TonylooksatitThe
answeringmachinepicksup.

MusicfromaJewishfolksongplaysinthebackground,
whilethegreetingplays
45.

GOLDY(ANSWERINGMACHINE)
YouvereachedGoldyGoldenberg
Goldenstein.Pleaseleavea
messageafterthebeep.

Themachinebeeps.

BILL(ANSWERINGMACHINE)
Yeah,Goldy.Areyouthere?I
triedcallingyouonyourcell.
Anyways,Igotsomebadnews:we
werentabletotakecareof
Dakota.Butdontworry--well
finishthejobASAP.Althoughwe
cantdoittomorrow.Ortheday
afterthat.

Themessageends.TonylooksatGoldy.

GOLDY
What?...Oh--youmustthinkhe
wastalkingaboutkillingyou.
No--thatguywastalkingabout
takingcareofDakota--andin,
pushingforlegislationto
preservetheenvironmentinNorth
andSouthDakota.I'mactively
involvedintheconservationist
movement.

Thephoneringsagain.Theansweringmachinepicksup.

GOLDY(ANSWERINGMACHINE)
YouvereachedGoldyGoldenberg
Goldenstein.Pleaseleavea
messageafterthebeep.

Themachinebeeps.

BILL(ANSWERINGMACHINE)
Yeah--Ijustrealizedthatlast
messagewaskindofvague.Justto
betotallyclear,whenIsaid
takecareofDakota,Imeant
killTonyDakota.Theguyyou
calledadirtyratmotherfucker
theotherday....OK.Souh--Ill
talktoyoulater....Unless,of
course,Tonysinyouroffice
rightnow,abouttoblowyour
fuckingbrainsout....
(MORE)
46.

BILL(ANSWERINGMACHINE)(CONT'D)
Andifthatsthecase,Idjust
liketosay,Ivealwayshated
you,andIthinkyoureacomplete
pieceofshit....Andifthat
isntthecase,Idliketowish
youandyourlovelywifeaHappy
Passover....OK.Bye.

Thecallerhangsup,andthemachinestopsrecording.Tony
looksatGoldy.

TONY
Youknow,theyhaveasayinginmy
country."DosEquisqueDon
Quixote,esmiHondaCiviccontu
ToyotaCorolla.

GOLDY
Whatdoesthatmean?

TONY
Itmeans,therearetwo
certaintiesinlife:taxes,and
beingkilledbyTonyDakota....
Thatremindsme:Ivegotsome
goodnews,andsomebadnews.

GOLDY
Whatsthegoodnews?

TONY
Thegoodnewsis,yourtaxrateis
0%.

GOLDY
Whatsthebadnews?

TonyfiresthreebulletsintoGoldy,instantlykillinghim.

TONY
Thebadnewsis,yourefucking
dead.

MONTAGE

INT.ROOM-DAY

TonyandMannyarestandingnearatable.Amoneycounting
machineonthetableiscountinghundreddollarMonopoly
bills.
47.

INT.TONYSAPARTMENT-DAY(CONT.)

TonyandMannyaredancingintandemtothemontages
music.

INT.DINER-NIGHT(CONT.)

TonyandAnitaareseatedatatable.

EXT.PARK-DAY(CONT.)

Tonyisplayingpaddleball.

INT.TONYSAPARTMENT-DAY(CONT.)

TonyandMannycontinuedancing.

INT.DINER-NIGHT(CONT.)

TonslamsaWaiter'sheadintothetable.

INT.TONYANDMANNY'SAPARTMENT-DAY

Mannyislyingnakedontopofapileofbananas.

EXT.DINER-DAY

TonyiseatingamealwithAnita.HeslamsaWAITER'shead
intothetable.

ENDMONTAGE

INT.BOWLINGALLEY-DAY

(Alowerbudgetversionofthisscenecanbeshotinabar.
Itwillexcludethebowlingsequenceatthebeginning.)

Tonyisuptobowl,whileMannyisseatedinthearea
adjacenttohislane.Tonybowlshisball.Itknocksnine
pinsdown,leavingoneinthebackleftcorner.Tonytakes
ahandgunoutofhispocket,aimstowardstheremaining
pin,andshootsitdown.Heputshisgunaway.Hewalks
backtowardsManny,andsitsdown.Mannygetsupandgrabs
aball.
48.

Hewalksuptobowl,makeshiswaytowardsthelane,and
bowlshisball.ItgoesintothegutterHegrabsamachine
gunoffofthefloor,pointsittowardsthepins,andguns
themalldown.Hewalksback.

Secondslater,COPYCOPPERSON(age50,white)walksupto
them.

COPY
Well--ifitisntTonyDakotaand
hisgoodfriendMannyFuentes.

TONY
Well.Ifitisn't"whothefuck
areyou?!"

COPY
I'mCopyCopperson.USNarcotics
Officer.AndIthinkweneedto
haveatalk.

Tonygetsup.

TONY
AndwhatifIdontfeellike
talking?

COPY
AndwhatifItoldyouthatIknow
everythingaboutGoldyGoldenberg
Goldenstein,andapsychiatrist
whoshothimselfthreetimes
withoutagun,andaguywho
didntfinishhisQuarterPounder
withCheese.

TONY
Whatyoutalking,man?I'minthe
computerbusiness.

MANNY
Really?Canyoushowmehowtoput
videosonInstagram?

COPY
(toTony)
Listenup.Iknowaboutevery
crimeyou'vecommittedsinceyou
gottoMiami.But,uh--thereis
somethingthatcanmakemelook
theotherway.

TONY
...Ohyeah?...What?
49.

COPY
Well.ItstartswithanMandends
inaY.

TONY
OK.Well.Howmanygamesof
Monopolyarewetalkingabout?

COPY
We'renottalkingaboutMonopoly.
We'retalkingaboutmoney.

TONY
OK.Howmuchmoneyarewetalking
about?

Copytakesoutapenandpaper,writes"$200,000"onthe
papaer,andhandsittoTony.

Tonylooksatit.

TONY(CONT'D)
$200,000?

COPY
Yeah.

MANNY
I'madoctor.

TONY
(toCopy)
Listen,man.OK.$200,000.No
problem.

COPY
Alright.Youcomebackhere
tomorrowat8pm,withasuitcase.
Yougivemethesuitcaseinthe
parkinglot.I'lldriveaway,and
thenverifythatthesuitcase
containswhatit'ssupposedto
contain.

TONY
Whatisitsupposedtocontain?

COPY
Youknow.ItstartswithanMand
endsinaY.

TONY
(toManny)
Nhatthefuckisthisasshole
talkingabout?
50.

MANNY
Uh.Ithinkhewantsyoutoputa
monkeyinasuitcase.

COPY
Notamonkey!Money!Put$200,000
cashinthesuitcase.

TONY
Okay.$200,000cashinasuitcase.

COPY
Yeah.

TONY
Anythingelse?

COPY
1989DonrussCraigBiggiorookie
card.400ofthem.

TONY
Fine.400CraigBiggiorookie
cards.$200,000cash.Isthatit?

COPY
Yes.That'sit.

TONY
Okay.

Copywalksaway.

EXT.COPYSHOME-NIGHT(LATER)

Copyunlocksthedoortohishome,opensit,andwalksin.

INT.COPYSHOME-NIGHT(CONT.)

Copyflicksonthelights.Hewalkstohisden,flickson
thedenlights,andseesTonyandMannystandinginthe
middleoftheroomholdingguns.

TONY
IbetyourewonderingwhatI'm
doinghere....Illgiveyoua
clue.I'mheretokillyou.Donot
passGo,donotcollect$200,000.
51.

MANNY
(toCopy)
Anddonotfeedbananastothe
monkey.

COPY
There'snomonkey.

MANNY
Ithoughttherewasamonkeyina
suitcase.

COPY
There'snomonkey,youspic
asshole!

TONY
What--yougotsomethingagainst
Hispanicpeople?Hispanicpeople
aregreat.Youshouldhavethe
utmostrespectforHispanic
people.

MANNY
ExceptforColombians.Fucking
Colombians.

TONY
That'sright.FuckingColombians.
Idon'ttrustColombians.

MANNY
Meneither.FuckingColombians.

TONY
FuckingColombians.

COPY
Fuckyou!

TONY
Fuckyou.

TonypointshisgunatCopy.

TONY(CONT'D)
"Thebestwaytofindyourselfis
toloseyourselfintheserviceof
others."

HefiresthreebulletsintoCopysbody.

TONY(CONT'D)
MahatmaGandhi.
52.

INT.TONYSCAR/EXT.STREET-DAY

Anitaisdriving.Tonyisinthepassengerseatandtalking
onhisphone.

TONY
Yeah--youfuckingtellthat
motherfuckerthatifhedoesnt
fuckingfinishthefuckingjobby
fuckingFriday,Imgonnafucking
takeafuckingkitchenknifeand
fuckingstabhismotherfucking
heartsomanyfuckingtimesthat
evenafterhefuckingdies,hes
stillgonnabefuckingfeelingit!
...Yeah...Iloveyoutoo....
OK....Byegrandma.

Tonyendsthecall.

ANITA
(annoyed)
Tony.Doyoureallyneedtouse
thewordfucksomuch?

TONY
...WhythefuckshouldntI?It's
notlikewe'regoingforaPG
fucking13rating.

Heopenshiswindowandyellstothecarnexttothem.

TONY(CONT'D)
Hey--fuckyou,man!
(toAnita)
Oh.Bytheway.Willyoumarryme?

ANITA
Yes.

TONY
Okay.We'reengaged.Andinorder
tocelebrateourengagement,let's
drivetothenearestHolidayInn,
andhavesex.

ANITA
Uh.Canyoutrytobealittlebit
moreromantic,Tony?

TONY
Okay.We'llgotoaMotel6and
havesex.

Someonehonks.Tonyputshisheadoutthewindow.
53.

TONY(CONT'D)
Hey--fuckyou,man!

EXT.RICO'SHOME-DAY

SUPERIMPOSE:BOLIVIA

TonyandMannyareseatedwithRICO(40,Hispanic).The
threeofthemeachhaveaplateofbreadinfrontofthem,
andaglassofwater.

RICO
SoTony,Manny.Areyouenjoying
yourlunch?

TONY
Whatlunch?

RICO
Lunch.Youkow.What'sonyour
plate.

TONY
Thisisbread.We'rehavingbread
andwater.

RICO
Exactly.Lunch.Manny--how'syour
lunch?

MANNY
It'sfuckinggreat,man.

RICO
Yes.Onlythebest.ThisishowI
dothingshereatmyBolivian
estateslashcocainefactory.So,
gentleman.Shallwediscusssome
businessduringourlunch?

TONY
Okay.

RICO
Yousee,mycocaineproductionis
ataveryhighlevelrightnow.
Aroundhere,we'vegotmore
cocainethanweknowwhattodo
with.
(toucheshishair)
Lookatmyhair.Youlikeit?

TONY
Yeah,man.
54.

RICO
Iwashitwithpurecocaine....
Andlookatmywife.

RICO'SWIFEisholdingupacompactandapplyingblushto
herface.

RICO(CONT'D)
Thatblushshesusingispure
cocaine....AndseethatNative
Americanguywho'ssaltingfish?

ANATIVEAMERICANMANissaltingfish.

MANNY
Isheusingcocaine?

RICO
No--he'susingsalt.Whatkindof
acrazypersonwouldusecocaine
tosaltfish?

MANNY
AndthereIwas,sittingthere
likeanasshole,thinkingthat
thatguywasusingcocainetosalt
fish.

RICO
Anyways,let'stalkprice.Ifyou
buyinquantity,Icansellyou
ourGradeAgenuineBolivianyayo
foraslittleasseventeenhundred
akey.

TONY
...Well,wedstillhavetomove
thestuff,andthat'salotof
risk.Imean,itsliketheysay
inCuba:"ElPolloLoconoesTaco
Bell,perodosChipotlesesun
Domino'sPizza."

RICO
Whatthefuckdoesthatmean?!

TONY
Itmeans,Abirdinthehand
isnttwochickenuntiltheeggs
havehatched.Sodontcountyour
chickensthatareinthebush.
Afterall,twobirdsinthehand
areworthmorethanabush,as
longasthetwochickensaren't
workingforGeorgeW.Bush."
55.

RICO
Okay.What'syourpoint?

TONY
Mypointis,theresnoguarantee
Illbeabletomovetheyayoto
Miami.

RICO
Well,whatdoyousuggestwedo?

TONY
Howaboutwesplittherisk:you
delivertoAustralia,andIll
takeitfromthere.

RICO
Australia?Thatsnotevenbetween
BoliviaandMiami.

TONY
That'sthebeautyofit:noone
willeverexpectit.

RICO
...Well,ifIgottodeliverthe
stufftoAustralia,I'muppingmy
pricetosevenGsakey.

TONY
SevenGsakey?Youmustbehigh!

RICO
OfcourseImhigh.Imalways
high.I'mhigh,andthepriceis
sevenGsakey.

TONY
HowaboutfourGsakey?

RICO
Thatsoundsgood.Illtakea
hundredthousandkeys.

TONY
Youretheseller!I'mthebuyer.

RICO
Fine.SixGsakey.

TONY
HowaboutfiveGs?

RICO
ComeonRico,Ihavekidstofeed.
56.

TONY
YoureRico.ImTony.

RICO
Well,rightknowI'malittletoo
hightofigureoutwho'swho.

TONY
HowaboutfiveandahalfGsa
key?

RICO
...OK....Deal....Nowlet's
finishourlunch.

Theyeatbreadanddrinkwater.

MANNY
Thisisdelicious.Whatdoyou
callthis?

RICO
Icallitbreadandwater.

EXT.SMALLHOME-DAY

Tonywalksuptoasmallhouseandringsthedoorbell.
Secondslater,TonysMotheropensthedoor.Sheslapshim
intheface.

TONYSMOTHER
Whatthehelldoyouwant!Didnt
Itellyoutostayawayfromme?!

TONY
Ijustwantyoutobepartofmy
life.

TONYSMOTHER
I'manhonestperson.Iworkfor
myliving.

TONY
Yeah.Iknow.Youmentionedthe
embezzlement.Butlisten.I've
changed.Idocomputersnow.
Really.Imean,youknow.Ido,
like,thosefuckingapps,and
Facebook.Anyways.Here'sa
hundredthousanddollars.Mygift
toyou.

Hepicksupabriefcaseandopensittorevealseveral
stacksofhundreddollarbills.Afewsecondspass.
57.

TONYSMOTHER
Oh.Youthinkyoucanjustwaltz
inhere,withyourfancyclothes,
andyoursuitcasefullofmoney?

TONY
Yeah.

TONYMOTHER
Wellmaybeyoucan.

TONY
SocanI?

TONY'SMOTHER
Yes.Yesyoucan.

TONY
Okay.Iwill.

INT.TONYANDMANNY'SAPARTMENT-DAY

Mannyisonceagainlyingnakedonapileofbananas.

Tonyenters.

MANNY
Hey.How'sitgoing,man?

TONY
Okay.Igottagotocourt.They're
gonnaquestionmeaboutcocaine.

MANNY
Whatareyougonnatellthem?

TONY
I'mgonnalie.

MANNY
That'sanexcellentplan.

TONY
Ithinkso.It'slegalstrategy.

MANNY
Letmeaskyousomething,man.How
comewestilllivetogetherin
thisapartment?

TONY
Areyoucallingmegay?
58.

MANNY
No.

TONY
I'mnotgay.Yesterday,Ihadsex
withmywifethreetimes.

MANNY
I'mnotgay,either.Theother
day,Ihadsexwithyoursister.

TONY
Youhadsexmysister?!

MANNY
DidIsayyoursister?Imeantto
say...uh,mysister.

INT.COURTROOM-DAY

Tonyisonthewitnessstand.

TONY
Cocaine?Whatdoyoumeancocaine?
Idon'tsellcocaine.I'minthe
computerbusiness.

Thecamerarevealsanaveragesizedcourtroom.AJUDGE,
PROSECUTOR,andDEFENSEATTORNEYareonhand.

PROSECUTOR
(confused)
Well,Mr.Dakota.Ihaven'tasked
youanyquestionsyet.Youjust
walkedupthereandsaid,
"Cocaine?Whatdoyoumean
cocaine?Idon'tsellcocaine?"
Now,uh,letmeaskyouthis.Do
youknowRicoFukmeekoofLaPaz,
Bolivia?

TONY
Neverheardofhim.

PROSECUTOR
AndwhatabouttheDiazBrothers,
ofYonkers,NewYork?

TONY
Idon'tknowthem.

PROSECUTOR
WhataboutAnitaJenningsof
Miami,Florida?
59.

TONY
Ihavenoideawhothatis.

PROSECUTOR
Shesyourwife.

TONY
Ineverheardofher.

PROSECUTOR
(skeptical)
Mr.Dakota...

TONY
IdontknowMr.Dakota.Inever
heardofhim.

PROSECUTOR
Youarehim.MayIremindyouthat
youreunderoath?

TONY
Areyoucallingmealiar?

PROSECUTOR
Notexactly.

TONY
MayIremindyouthatyoureunder
oath?

PROSECUTOR
MayIremindyoutokissmyass!

JUDGE
(slamshisgavel)
Orderinthecourt!
(toTony)
Mr.Dakota.Justanswerthe
questions.

PROSECUTOR
Thankyouyourhonor.
(turnstoTony)
Mr.Dakota.Onyourlastfive
yearsworthoftaxreturns,you
reportedatotalnetincomeof
thirteendollarsandtwentytwo
cents.Andyet,lastweek,a
policeofficerfoundtenmillion
dollarscashinyourcartrunk.

TONY
So?
60.

PROSECUTOR
Sowheredidyougettheten
milliondollarscash?

TONY
Iwasholdingitforafriend.

PROSECUTOR
Whichfriend?

TONY
Myfriend.Youdon'tknowhim.
Hesdead.Imethimataplace.
Theplacewhereyoudothatthing.
That'swhereImetmyfriend.
Who'sdead.Youdon'tknowhim.

PROSECUTOR
...Mr.Dakota...

TONY
Hesdeadtoo.

PROSECUTOR
Forthelasttime--youareMr.
Dakota.

TONY
I'llhavetocheckmyrecords.

PROSECUTOR
(totheJudge)
Yourhonor.Idliketoberemoved
fromthiscase.

INT.TONYSANDMANNY'SAPARTMENT-NIGHT

TonyandAnitaaresittingonacouchinfrontofaTV.
TonyisworkingonavariationofAmericanGothicfeaturing
acigar-smokingTonyastheman,Anitaasthewoman,anda
machineguninplaceofthepitchfork.Anitaisreadinga
FidelCastroBiography.Tonyputshispaintbrushdown.

TONY
Okay.Let'shavesex.

Anitahardlyevenlooksawayfromherbookasshesays,

ANITA
Imnotinthemoodrightnow.
Maybelater.

Shecontinuesreadingherbook.
61.

TONY
Wellthencanyougototheother
room?

ANITA
Why?

TONY
BecauseI'mgonna,youknow.I'm
gonnadefragmentmyharddrivein
here.

ANITA
Tony.Wereamarriedcouple.You
shouldn'ttellmetoleavearoom
soyoucandefragementyouhard
drive.

TONY
Fine.I'llgototheclosetand
defragmentmyharddrivethere.

ANITA
Closet?Atleastdoitinthe
bathroom.

TONY
Listen.InCuba,wehavinga
saying."NocontamosconJohn
Travolta,y...

ANITA
EnoughwiththeCubansayings!

TONY
Thepointis,ifyoukeepon
rejectingallmysexualadvances,
Imgonnahavetodefragmentmy
harddriveeveryonceinawhile.

ANITA
Rejectingyoursexualadvances?We
justhadsextwohoursago.

TONY
Listen.InCuba,wehaveasaying.

ANITA
Shutup,Tony!InAmerica,wehave
asaying.Andthesayingis,"An
appleadaykeepsthedoctoraway,
andhavingsexthreetimesaday
isenough!"
62.

TONY
Areyoucallingmegay?

Mannyentersholdingajarofjellyandtwoslicesof
bread.

MANNY
Hey,guys.Doanyofyouknowhow
tomakeapeanutbutterandjelly
sandwich?I'mbeingtryingtomake
one,butIkeeponendingupwith
ajellysandwich.

ANITA
Well,Manny.Ifyouwantapeanut
butterandjellysandwichinstead
ofaplainoldjellysandwich,you
needpeanutbutterinadditionto
jellyandbread.

MANNY
Oh.And,uh,doanyofyouknow
howtomakeahamsandwich?

ANITA
Tony--canwepleasegetourown
place,insteadoflivingherein
thisapartmentwithyourfriend
whodoesn'tunderstandthebasic
conceptbehindsandwiches?

INT.LAWYER'SOFFICE-DAY

TonyisseatedacrossfromhisLAWYER(50).Tonyiswearing
at-shirtthatsays"IBuyandSellCocaine."

TONY
Okay,lawyer.Talktome,man.

LAWYER
Well,Tony.Thegovernmentis
tryingtochargeyouwith
possessionanddistributionof
cocaine.

TONY
Okay.Sowhat'sourplan?

LAWYER
Well.FIrstofall,Iwouldadvise
youtostopwearingthatt-shirt
thatsays"IBuyandSell
Cocaine."
63.

Tonyremovesthet-shirtandthrowsitatawall.

TONY
Okay.That'sgoodadvice.No
wonderI'mpayingyouthirtyfive
hundreddollarsanhour.What
else?

LAWYER
Well.
(opensanewspaper)
Youmightwanttostoprunning
thisadintheMiamiHerald,where
youoffertobuyandsellcocaine.

TONY
Okay.Goodidea.Nomoreads.What
else?

LAWYER
Well.Youknow--Icangetyouoff
ofmostofthecharges.Butthe
thingis,theFeds--theygotalot
ofinfoonyou.Theygotenoughto
getaguiltyverdictonthemoney
launderingcharge.

TONY
Right.But,Imean,whatis
guilty?Ialwaysget"guilty"and
"notguilty"confused.Ialsomix
up"fiction"and"non-fiction."Is
HarryPotterfiction,or
non-fiction?

LAWYER
HarryPotterisfiction.

TONY
Right.Okay.So,non-fictionmeans
abookthatisnotaboutHarry
Potter.

LAWYER
No,Tony.Non-fictionmeansabook
thatisn'tmadeup.

TONY
Okay.Thenwhatisnotguilty?If
I'mnotguilty,doesthatmeanI'm
notHarryPotter?
64.

LAWYER
No.Ithasnothingtodowith
HarryPotter.Notguiltyjust
meansthatyou'renotacriminal.

TONY
Right.Okay.

LAWYER
So,yeah.Theprosecutionhasso
muchinfoonyou,thatthey're
gonnagetaguiltyverdict.I
thinkyoushouldjusttaketheir
pleadeal.You'lldotwoyearsin
prison.

TONY
Andhowmanyyearswillyoudoin
prison.

LAWYER
Uh.Zero.

TONY
Howaboutyoudoone,Idoone?

TonypointsagunattheLawyer.

TONY(CONT'D)
HowaboutIcancelyourfucking
contract.

LAWYER
Well.IguessIcandoayearin
prison.

INT.TONY'SLIVINGROOM-EARLYEVENING

TonyistalkingtoManny.

TONY
I'mtellingyou,man.Thesefeds.
Theygottoomuchinfoonus.
Someoneisgivingthemthatinfo.

MANNY
Who?

TONY
Idon'tknow,man.But,wegotta
getridofourheadof
distribution.Heknowstoomuch.
65.

MANNY
But...youreourheadof
distribution.

TONY
Yeah--Iknow.

MANNY
So...youwannagetridof
yourself?

TONY
Yeah,man.

MANNY
But...youreyou.

TONY
Hey!IdontgiveafuckwhoIam!
Iknowtoomuch!

MANNY
Butyoucantrustyourself.After
all--you'renotColombian.Fucking
Colombians.

TONY
Excellentpoint.Fucking
Colombians.Idon'ttrustthem.

MANNY
FuckingColombians.Idon'ttrust
them,either.

TONY
Anyways--whatareyoudoing
tonight?Youwannagotothat
Frenchrestaurantwithmeand
Anita?

MANNY
WejustgotbackfromthatFrench
restaurant.

TONY
Thenwhyisn'tthatsceneinthe
movie?

MANNY
Idon'tknow,man.

TonywalkstowardsaDIRECTORwho'sstandingneara
CAMERAMAN,andsmallCREW.
66.

TONY
Hey!Whyisn'tthatsceneinthe
movie?

ThedirectorturnstotheCrew.

DIRECTOR
(annoyed)
Cut,cut.

HeturnstoTony.

DIRECTOR(CONT'D)
Tonybaby--wecouldntfititin.

TONY
It'safantasticscene.

DIRECTOR
Tony,theresjustnotenoughtime
forit.

TONY
Well--letmelookatthescript.
Maybethere'ssomebullshitin
herethatIcantakeout,sowe
canincludetherestaurantscene.

TheDirectorhandsTonyascript.

Tonylooksthroughitandbeginsreadingit.Something
catcheshisattention.

TONY(CONT'D)
Whowrotethis?

DIRECTOR
Idid.I'mthewriterand
director.

Tonypointstoanopenpageinthescript.

TONY
(angrily)
Soyouputthatnarcoticsofficer
onme?

DIRECTOR
Tonybaby,itwasnothing
personal.Justpartofthemovie.

TONY
Partofthemovie,huh?Letme
tellyousomething,man.
(MORE)
67.

TONY(CONT'D)
"Nonviolenceisthegreatestforce
atthedisposalofmankind."

HeshootstheDirectorthreetimes.

TONY(CONT'D)
MahatmaGandhi.
(totheCrew)
Weneedanewdirector.Doanyof
youguysknowStevenSpielberg?

INT.RICOSMIAMIHOME-DAY

TonyandRicoareseatedacrossfromoneanother,and
eatingbreadandwater.

RICO
Tony.Areyouenjoyingyourlunch?

TONY
Thisisbreadandwater.

RICO
Yes.Forlunch.

TONY
Right.Yeah.Lunch.

RICO
ThisisMiamitapwater.
(drinkssome)
Fantastic.Iboughtthishomein
Miamitwomonthsago,andIcome
hereallthetime,mainlyforthe
tapwater.

TONY
AndhowarethingsinBolivia?

RICO
Fine.We'reproducingplentyof
cocaine.Boliviaistheideal
placetoproducecocaine.Butit's
notagreatplacetodrinktap
water.Boliviantapwaterisn't
thatcrispandclean.That'swhyI
spendmoretimeinMiamithan
Bolivia.

TONY
Becauseofthetapwater.
68.

RICO
Yes.Thetapwater.I'mRico
Fukmeeko.Ihaveanetworthof
$100million,andIonlydrinkthe
besttapwaterwithmylunch.

TONY
Okay.Goodforyouandyourlunch.

RICO
Anyways,Tony.MayIdiscusssome
businesswithyouinthemiddleof
lunch?

TONY
Thisisn'tlunch,youfucking
nutcase.It'sbreadandtapwater.
Thatdoesn'tconstitutelunch.

RICO
Bethatasitmay.Let'stalk
businessforasecond.Tony--have
youeverheardthesaying,Tu
Tapatioescaliente,mitiaMaria
eseselPresidente?"

TONY
Whatthefuckdoesthatmean?

RICO
Itmeans,"Youscratchmyback,
andIllscratchyours.

TONY
Okay.

RICO
Well,Tony.I'veheardthatyou
havealittlesomethingitching
yourightnow.Inotherwords,you
havesomelegalproblemsinthe
US.Thatisyouritch.
Metaphorically.

TONY
Yeah.

RICO
Well.Iknowsomepeoplewhocan
takecareofyouritch.Andby
itch,Imeanlegalproblems.

TONY
...OK....Sowhat'syourfucking
itch,Rico?
69.

Ricostandsup.

RICO
Well,Tony.Thisismyitch.

HetakesoffhisshirtandturnshisbacktoTony.

RICO(CONT'D)
Itsonthetopofmyback.Can
you,like,scratchitforme?

TonygetsupandscratchesRicosback.

RICO(CONT'D)
Doyouseewhat'sgoingonhere?I
havealiteralitch,youhavea
metaphoricalitch.Youscratchmy
back,Iscratchyours.Thisis
fantastic.Keepscratching.

INT.TONYSMANSION(OFFICE)-NIGHT

Tonyenters.Hisphonerings.Heputsthecalleron
speakerphone.

TONY
Rico.

RICO(ONSPEAKERPHONE)
Tony.ItsRico.

TONY
Quepaso,man?

RICO(ONSPEAKERPHONE)
(Angrily)
Tony--myfuckingbackisstill
itching.

TONY
ThatsOkay.Illcomebackthere
tomorrow,I'lltakecareofit.

RICO(ONSPEAKERPHONE)
No.That'snothowIdothings,
Tony.Thesayingsaysthatwe
scratcheachothers'backsonce.
Nottwice.Youscratchmyback,
andI'llscratchyours.There'sno
twiceinthesaying.

TONY
Wellthenfuckthesaying.
70.

RICO(ONSPEAKERPHONE)
No,Tony.Youdon'tfuckthe
saying.Thesayingfucksyou.

Tonyisnoweatingabanana.

TONY
Um.Whatthefuckareyousaying?

RICO(ONSPEAKERPHONE)
I'msaying,consideryourself
dead,youfuckingmonkey!

TONY
...Listen.TheressomethingI
needtotellyou.Putthereceiver
againstyourgoodearandlisten
closely.

RICO(ONSPEAKERPHONE)
OK.

Tonyputsthephoneonthetable,pullsapistoloutofhis
pocket,pointsittowardsthephonereceiver,andfires
severalbulletsintoit.

Helookstowardsasurveillancecamerascreenshowingfive
INTRUDERSwithgunsenteringthelivingroom.

TONY
(tohimself)
Thatwasquick.

Hegetsupandgrabsamachinegunoffthefloor.Hewalks
outofhisoffice...

INT.TONY'SMANSIONLOBBY-NIGHT(CONT.)

...andtotheindoorbalconyatthetopofhisstairway.He
hidesbehindalargepillar.

TheIntruderskickinthehome'sfrontdoorandcomein.
Tonyimmediatelyopensfireonthem,andagunfightensues.

Tonyusesthepillarashisshield,anddoeshisbestto
fightofftheintruders.Heshootstwoofthemandtheygo
down.

Adoorbellringsseveraltimes.Everyonestopsshooting.

OneoftheIntruderswalksuptothedoorandlooksinto
thepeephole.
71.

INTRUDER
(toeveryoneinvolvedin
thegunfight)
Itsthecops,man.

Thedoorbellringsagain.

INTRUDER(CONT'D)
(tothepersonor
personsontheother
sideofthedoor)
Whoisit?

COP1(O.S.)
MiamiPD.Openup.

INTRUDER
Uh...Onemoment,please.

TonyandtheIntrudershidetheirgunsbehindtheirbacks.
TwoIntrudersdragthedeadbodiesoftheothertwo
Intrudersoutofsight.

TheotherIntruderopensthedoor.ItrevealsaCOP.

COP1
Yeah--wegotsomereportsofsome
gunshotnoisesgoingoffaround
here.

TheIntruderslookliketheyarentsurehowtohandlethis
situation.

Tonyspeaksup.

TONY
Oh--wewasjustpoppingpopcorn.

COP1
Whatkindofpopcorn?

TONY
JiffyPop.

COP1
Andwhatareyougonnadrink?

TONY
OrangeGatorade.

TheCoplooksaroundandexaminestheroom,asifheisnot
entirelysoldonTonysstoryyet.Afterafewseconds,
however,hisexpressionofseemingsuspicionturnstoone
thatindicateseverythinglooksfine.
72.

COP1
Okeydokey.Sorrytobotheryou.

TONY
Noproblem,man.

TheCopwalksout.TheIntruderslookateachother.They
lookatTony.Afterafewseconds,theytakeouttheirguns
andresumethegunfight.

TONY(CONT'D)
Comeon!

Tonyshootshismachinegun.OnemoreIntruderisshot.

Tony,nowwithtwomachinegunsinhishandandaCuban
cigarinhismouth,makeshiswaytothestaircase,sitson
thestairrail,andslidesdownitwhileshootingthe
remainingtwoIntruders.

Hepullsouthisphoneanddialsanumber.

TONY(CONT'D)
(intophone)
Manny.Youknowshirtyouwere
wearingyesterday?...No.The
blueone...Yeah.That'snice.I
wanttogetone....Brooks
Brothers?...Yeah....Oh.One
morething.WegottagotoRico's
house,andshootthatpieceof
shit.

INT.RICOSBEDROOM-NIGHT

TonyandMannycreepintoadarkbedroom.Ricoislyingon
topofthebedinhisunderwear,andeatingicecreamout
ofacartonwhilewatchingcartoons.

Tonyflicksonthelights.

TONY
Howyoudoing,Rico?

RICO
Tony.Uh...Whatapleasant
surprise.CanIgetyousome
lunch?

TONY
No--Imokay.

MANNY
I'madoctor.
73.

TonypullsoutagunandpointsitatRico.

RICO
Tony.Comeon.I'maniceguy.

TONY
You'reaniceguy?!Youproduce
cocaine,asshole!

RICO
Andyousellcocaine,asshole.

INT.RICOSBEDROOM-DAY

BENNYDAKOTA(Tony'sbrother)--nowinhisearly
thirties--isexaminingthecrimescenewithanother
DETECTIVE.HeglancesoverRicosdeadbody.

BENNY
Letssee.Itlookslikehewas
shotthreetimesinthe
midsection.

DETECTIVE
Sowhat'syourpoint?

BENNY
Whatdoyoumeanwhat'smypoint?
I'mconductingamurder
investigation.

DETECTIVE
Why?

BENNY
Because.I'madetective.

DETECTIVE
WellsoamI.Butyoudon'tseeme
conductingamurderinvestigation.
Ithinkyou'retakingthisjoba
littletooseriously.

BENNY
ThehellIam!Iamsickandtired
oftheseanimalsrunningaround
shootingpeopleanddestroyingour
city.Itsnowonderoursuicide
rateissohigh!

DETECTIVE
Buddy.You'reworkingalittletoo
hardrightnow.
(MORE)
74.

DETECTIVE(CONT'D)
Ithinkyouneedtoslowdown,
takeabreak,andwatchsome
pornography.

INT.TONY'SMANSION(OFFICE)-NIGHT

Tonyissittingathisdeskworkingonapainting.

AnitastormsthroughTonysdoorwithanangrylookonher
face.

ANITA
Imleavingyou,Tony.

TONY
What?Why?

ANITA
...Youknow,Icouldlookpast
thecheating,thedrugdealing,
themurders...eventhechronic
masturbation.ButIjustcannot
standthewayyoublowyournose
intopiecesofscrappaper....
Goodbye,Tony.

TONY
WhatifIwearawoman'shat?Will
youstay?

ANITA
No.

TONY
WhatifIgiveyouadiamondring?

ANITA
Well.Idolikediamonds.Getme
thering,andthenwe'lltalk.

Shewalksoutoftheroom.Secondslater,Tonysphone
rings.Hetakesthecall.

TONY
Hello?

MAN
Tony.Ourcokestoragewascleaned
outlastnight.Somecrackheadgot
inandsnortedalltenthousand
keys,andthenheODedonthe
coke.
75.

TONY
Listen.Youhavethatcrackhead
cryogenicallyfrozen.Thenmaybe
onedaywellbeabletobringhim
backtolife,soIcanfucking
killhim.

INT.POLICESTATION-DAY

BennyDakotaisseatedatadesk.ADETECTIVEwalksupto
him.

DETECTIVE
Goodnews.Asecuritycamera
spottedtwomengoingintothe
RicoFukmeekohomethenightof
themurder.Andwefoundabouta
dozenforeignprintsinhis
bedroom.Theybelongtothat
suspectedcokedealer.Tony
Dakota.

BENNY
TonyDakota?

DETECTIVE
Yeah.Haveyouheadofhim?

BENNY
Yeah....Hesmybrother.

INT.TONY'SMANSION(OFFICE)-NIGHT

Tonycallssomeone.

MANNY(ONPHONE)
Hello?

TONY
Manny.Somecrackheadsnortedup
allofourcoke.Weneedtoget
ridofourheadofsecurity.He
didn'tdoagoodjobofguarding
ourcoke.Hewasprobablyin
cahootswiththecrackhead.Ineed
youtogogetourheadof
security,andshootthatpieceof
shit.

MANNY
Tony.You'reourheadofsecurity.
76.

TONY
Idon'tgiveafuckwhoIam!We
gottagetridofme.

Tonysnortsamassiveamountofcocaineoffofhisdesk.

TonyhearsBennysmegaphone-enhancedvoicecomingfrom
anotherroom.

BENNY(O.S.)
TonyDakota.ThisisBenDakotaof
theMiamiPoliceDepartment.Come
outwithyourhandsup.

TONY
(tohimself)
Benny?

HeglancesathissecuritycameraandseesBeninhislobby
Hewalksoutofhisoffice...

INT.TONYSLOBBY

...andintohishomeslobbyareaatthetopofa
staircase.Bennyisdownstairs.

BENNY
Longtimenosee,Tony.

TONY
Whatthefuckareyoudoinghere,
man?

BENNY
Imheretotakeyouin.Youre
underarrestforthemurderof
RicoFukmeeko.

Tonywalksbehindapillar.

TONY
Listen.Youwanttoarrestme,
it'snotgonnabesoeasy.I'm
TonyDakota!Mybodyrunson
cocaine,man!Idon'teveneat
foodanymore!Fuckfood!Only
yayo!

Fornoreason,aDOCTORisstandingsomewhereintheroom.

DOCTOR
Well.Inmymedicalopinion,you
shouldeatfood.
77.

TONY
Well.Inmymedicalopinion,fuck
you.

BENNY
Tony.I'mtakingyouin.

TONY
Now,ImnotfuckingaroundBenny!
Ihaveashitloadofweapons
hiddeninthispillar.Youcan
walkawayrightnow.Butifyou
stay,oneofuswillbeleavingin
abodybag!...Now,whatsit
gonnabe?

BENNY
Imnotgoinganywhere,Tony.I
cametomakeanarrest.

TONY
(angry,emotional)
...Okay!Okay!Youwantawar?!
Yougotone!

Bennytakesrefugebehindapillar.

Tonyopensasecretdoorinhispillar,revealingavariety
ofweapons.Hegrabsamachinegunandbeginsfiringat
Benny.ThebulletsbounceoffofBennyspillar.

Bennyanswersbackwithhismachinegun,andsendsafew
bulletsbouncingoffofTonyspillar.

Theyexchangeanotherroundofgunfire.Tonygrabsa
grenadeoutofhispillar.Bennygrabsagrenadeoutofhis
pocket.Tonypullsthepinoutofhisgrenadeandlaunches
atBenny.Bennypullsthepinoutofhisgrenadeandtosses
ituptoTony.

TonyglancesdownandspotsBennysgrenadenearhisfeet.

BennyglancesdownandspotsTonysgrenadenearhisfeet.

TonyandBennybothdiveoutofthewayasplitsecond
beforetheirgrenadesexplodeAsecondlater,theytakeaim
ateachotherandbeginfiring.Bennytakesacoupleof
shotstothearm.Tonytakesacoupleofshotstothe
midsection.Anotherbullethitshisgun,causingittofall
outofhishandsHestumblesaroundforafewsecondsand
thenfallsdownnearthetopofhisstaircase.Bennygets
upand,withhisgunpointedatTony,cautiouslymakeshis
wayupthestairs.HereachesTony,whoisbadlywounded,
andappearstobeonthevergeofdying.
78.

BENNY
(concerned,upset)
Tony.Tony.Saysomething.

TONY
It'sliketheysayinCuba."Eso
esesoonoeseso,peronoeseso
esesonoeseso."

BENNY
Whatdoesthatmean?

TONY
Ihavenoidea.

Tonydies.

INT.TONYSOFFICE-NIGHT(CONT.)

Tonysphoneringsthreetimes.

TONY(VOICEMAILGREETING)
Yeah--it'sTony.Talktome.

Themachinebeeps.

MAN
Tony.Itturnsoutthatcrackhead
isactuallyinacoma.Thedoctor
sayshehasaboutatenpercent
chanceofcomingoutofit.So
uh--letmeknowifyouwantto
killhimnow,orwaitfora
recovery,andthenkillhimafter
herecovers.

THEEND

You might also like