Relational Need in English PDF

Copyright 1994 by Relationship Press. Revised Edition, 1999.
Second Revised
Edition, 2003. Third Revised Edition, 2009. All rights reserved. No portion of this
book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or
by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any otherexcept
for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior written permission of the
publisher.
Relationship Press 2511 S. Lakeline Blvd. Cedar Park, TX 78613
ISBN 0-9642845-0-2
Library of Congress Card Catalog Number 94-72620
Table of Contents
Welcome to Top Ten Relational Needs
Chapter 1:
Needs: An Important Aspect of How You Are Made!
Chapter 2:
The Top Ten Relational Needs
18
Chapter 3:
Overcoming Hindrances to Grateful Giving
37
Chapter 4:
Which Needs Are Most Important?
57
Chapter 5:
How Needs Impact Thoughts, Feelings, and Behavior
79
Chapter 6:
Giving to Meet the Needs of Others
96
Chapter 7:
Challenges to a Giving First Lifestyle
120
Chapter 8:
The Journey Into Intimate Relationships
134
Welcome to Top Ten Relational Needs

Top Ten Relational Needs is a course of study designed to help you explore the nature
of the key relational needs that all humans share. It is our hope that this resource
will help you to gain greater insight into how your relational needs are being met, as
well as equipping you to better recognize and meet the needs of others.
The fact that God has created each of us with relational needs points to an
important principle: We were never intended to live our lives alone. Like the faithful
of old, we are to be devoted to real community, or open, honest, authentic relationships with other people. Thus, this course is not intended to be a study that you
undertake on your own. Rather, it is designed to be experienced in community with
others.
As a means of facilitating meaningful interaction among those who use this
resource, each of the books eight chapters contain the following features:
Gratitude for LoveAn experiential exercise in which you will be

challenged to reflect on the ways in which your needs are being met, and to
respond in gratitude. It is only when we recognize how our needs are
lovingly being met that we are empowered to do the same for one another.
Living It OutAn experiential exercise in which you will have an

opportunity to share with others the insights being discovered
concerning your relational needs and the needs of those closest to you. This
time of sharing is intended to prompt mutual support and encouragement.
Enrichment Group Notes Enrichment of relationships takes place
in community with others; these additional readings, discussion questions,
and interactions provide for a deepened experience of enriched relationships.
We hope that you will be equipped and transformed by this course as you pursue a
deeper understanding of our human neediness and the joy of giving to others.
Chapter 1
Needs:
An Important Aspect
of How You Are Made!
And my God will meet all your needs according
to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus
(Philippians 4:19).
e all have needs. Neediness is an intrinsic characteristic of

our God-given identities, an inescapable part of being
human. This reality is apparent in several different areas of
our lives.
First, we all share certain physical needs, such as our needs for the following:
food
water
sleep
oxygen
But humans are more than merely physical bodies. We also have spiritual needs, such
as our needs for:
hope and peace
a sense of morality and justice
life meaning and purpose
5
Top Ten Relational Needs
Pause and Reflect:

Share with a partner or enrichment group:
Consider the implications of being needy of things like air, food, water;
Why might we have been created to need such things?
How do you feel about having to depend on breating, sleeping, food, etc.?
Finally, in addition to physical and spiritual needs, we all have relational needs. Ten
of the most significant relational needs that we share are our needs for the
following things:
acceptance
affection
appreciation
approval
attention
comfort
encouragement
respect
security
support
Pause and Reflect:

Think about a time recently when you may have met one of the above needs in the
life of a family member or friend.
I recently met the need for (which need) _______________________________
by (what) _________________________________________________
In this resource, we will explore the nature of each of these ten relational needs,
discuss why it is so important that we understand relational needs, and learn how
love is expressed through us as we meet the relational needs of others. But first, let
us explore five general characteristics of all needs, whether physical, spiritual, or
relational.
FIVE CHARACTERISTICS
OF
1. Needs Are Cross-Cultural.
NEEDS
Neediness transcends all cultural differences. People of every race, ethnicity,

language, religion, and socio-economic group share physical, spiritual, and relational
needs. The truth of this claim becomes especially clear when we consider that our
earliest ancestors experienced these needs long before any such cultural distinctions
arose.
2. Needs Exist in All Generations.
Adam, Augustine, Michelangelo, Mozart, Ceasar, Churchill, you, and I all have
something important in commonwe were all created with physical, spiritual, and
relational needs. Needs are not a 21st-century phenomenon; every person who has
ever lived has had needs.
3. Needs Are Lifelong and Continuous.
We all know that our basic physical needs remain constant throughout our lives
human beings never reach a developmental stage where food, water, sleep, or
oxygen become optional luxuries. Likewise, our core spiritual needs do not diminish
with age. But it is important that we recognize that the same also holds true for our
relational needs. The increased knowledge and confidence that come with life experience can never negate our need for intimate and loving relationships with other
people.
Relational needs are generally easy to spot in children. Even if they are comfortable,
dry, fed, and well-rested, infants may cry just because they want some attention.
Similarly, toddlers who fall down may cry even when they are not badly hurt
because of their need for comfort. Some children might hold up their arms toward
their mother or father in order to signal their desire for affection, while others try to
get their parents to notice their developing academic, artistic, or athletic abilities
because of their need for approval.
7
The relational needs of adults, by contrast, are often less readily visible. This does
not mean, however, that we gradually grow out of our relational needs as we get
older, or that our relational needs can somehow be met once and for all during
childhood. Rather, it is merely indicative of the fact that adults often labor to
conceal or deny the relational needs that they expressed so freely as children. The
truth is that, just like our needs for food and air, our relational needs must be
consistently met throughout our lives.
4. It Is OK to Have Needs; Neediness Is Not a Defect.

We have asserted that all peopleregardless of their cultural background, historical
setting, or ageshare certain basic physical, spiritual, and relational needs as part of
how we are created. Having thus established that God created each of us with
needs, it stands to reason that it is all right for us to admit that we have them!
Unfortunately, however, many of us seem to have bought into the idea that if we
are mature or tough enough, we will not have certain needs (or at least we will
not have to admit to having them). This is particularly true when it comes to
relational needs. Thus, for example, some people have come to believe one or more
of the following:
Those who need appreciation are merely insecure.
Those who need attention are self-centered.
Those who need comfort are too emotional.

Those who need security lack true faith.
Those who need support are simply weak.

An admission of neediness, however, is not a sign of some character defect. Rather,
it is an honest and humble confession of our humanity. We all have needs; that is
simply the way we are made. Denying this truth is not only pointless, but potentially
very harmful.
5. We Cannot Meet Our Own Needs; Needs Can Only Be Met in

the Context of Meaningful Relationships
Finally, we must recognize that we do not have the ability or resources to meet our
own needs. For example, we cannot meet our own relational need for comfort.
Imagine coming home after a hard day at work, wrapping your arms around your
own neck, gently patting yourself on the back, and saying to yourself, Im so sorry
you had a hard day. Tell me all about it. Not only would you look and feel
ridiculous, you would probably not feel comforted in the least.
Similarly, imagine trying to meet your own spiritual need for peace of mind by looking at your face in the mirror and attempting to calmly reassure yourself that there
is no need to be concerned about all of the difficulties that you are facing because
everything will work out in the end. Such methods might be advocated by some, but
they inevitably leave us feeling isolated and overcome by our problems.
While most of us do not behave in such extreme ways in our attempts to address
our neediness, we are often guilty of trying to meet our own needs by other means,
such as through our accomplishments and material possessions. But temporal, material things can never truly satisfy our spiritual or relational needs:
A house cannot meet our need for affection.
A car is not a substitute for acceptance.
Degrees and diplomas will not satisfy our need for respect.
A position of authority is no alternative for approval.
Successful projects will not meet our need for appreciation.
A cigarette or bowl of ice cream does not bring genuine comfort.
By definition, our relational needs can only be met in the context of deep,
meaningful relationships. The same is true of our spiritual needs. These needs are
only effectively addressed as we live our our religious beliefs, convictions and practices in the context of our relationship with God.
9
You may be thinking to yourself, Ah, but what about my physical needs? I can
certainly meet those for myself. But can you? Yes, you may be able to earn money
with which to buy food, and you may be able to prepare and cook meals, but where
did the food actually come from? Who made the seed? Who created the soil in
which the seed grew, and provided the oxygen that gave it life? Who caused the sun
to shine and the rain to fall? Farmers may be able to plant, cultivate, and harvest
crops, and we may be able to purchase and prepare food, but the source of all these
good things is God!
Pause and Reflect:
How do you feel about possibly needing things like appreciation, respect or support
from others in your life?
WHY DID GOD CREATE US
WITH
NEEDS?
It should now be obvious that we all have needs, but the question remains, why?
Why do we have a need for sleep? Why do we require oxygen to sustain us? Why do
we long for comfort, attention, and security? After all, God could have created us
without any needs whatsoever. Should we then conclude that our needs represent
flaws in our design? The answer must be a resounding, No! So why do we have
needs?
1. Our Neediness Encourages Humility and Valuing of

Relationships.
So far, we have seen that (1) everyone has needs, and (2) we cannot meet our own
needs. Therefore, we can only conclude that, in order to have our needs met, we
must look beyond ourselves. We are not to live as an island unto ourselves. Our
relationships in life can provide meaning and fulfillment.
10
2. Our Neediness Encourages Interdependence.
Just as our neediness and our inability to meet our own needs compel us to value
relationships, so they should also motivate us to support and encourage one another. We cannot live our lives as if we were computerized robots on an assembly line,
doing our own thing with no regard for the needs of others.
Fortunately, a number of relationships serve to promote interdependence and mutual need-meeting. Most basically, many of us have been granted the blessings of
healthy marriages and other close family relationships, which serve as environments
within which we both give and receive loving care in order to meet one anothers
needs.
In addition, through friends, colleagues and community, , we are challenged to look
for ways in which we can give to the needs of others.
3. Accepting the Reality of Our Needs Helps Us to Develop a

Heart Filled with Compassion for Others.
Our ability to respond effectively with care and compassion toward others is closely
tied to our willingness to admit that we have needs.
The sad truth is that those who tend to deny their own needs often lack compassion
for others who are in need. Having chosen to adopt an attitude of self-reliance, they
are likely to respond to neediness in others by thinking, Why should I care about
their needs? If they have problems, they should take care of them themselves! As
we come to accept the reality of our own needs and to humbly receive care and
compassion, we are in turn empowered to respond to the needs of others with genuine feelings of compassion and concrete acts of kindness.
4. Admitting Our Needs Frees Us to Both Receive and Give Care.
It is difficult to give others what we have not received. A woman who was never
comforted as a child may find it incredibly challenging to offer words of comfort to
her own children. A man whose parents failed to consistently display affection for
him may struggle to adequately express his affection for his wife. An employer who
has rarely received encouragement from others may find it hard to effectively
encourage his employees.
11
By contrast, those who have had their own needs met are much better equipped to
meet the needs of others. But in order to have our needs met, we must first admit
that they exist. When we willingly acknowledge our neediness, we allow ourselves to
receive care and we are better able to give more freely in turn.
5. Meeting the Needs of Others Expresses Care and Produces

Togetherness.
If we desire to decrease the number of divisions within our families, communities,

and culture, we must begin by increasing care. Countless conflicts and breakdowns
can be traced to a lack of trusting, caring relationships between marriage partners,
family members, business and country leaders. How do we demonstrate that we
truly care for one another? By meeting each others needs. As loving care is increasingly demonstrated through mutual need-meeting, divisions are mended and unity is
strengthened.
Pause and Reflect:
Consider the above list of five possible benefits of being needy in relationships.
1. More humility and valuing of relationships
2. Encourages interdependence
3. Deepened compassion for others
4. Freedom to both receive and give care
5. Increased expressions of care and togetherness
Which of these five possible benefits might you enjoy more of in your life?
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NEEDS ARE AN ESSENTIAL ASPECT

RELATIONSHIPS.
OF
HEALTHY, CLOSE
There is a big difference between superficial relationships and intimate, caring relationships. It is possible to be around people all day long and still be lonely. In fact, a
recent survey in the United States indicated that 70% of
Americans suffer from loneliness. Similar stories in Europe and other countries
highlight the fragmentation and emptiness of relationships.
Surely this does not indicate that seven out of ten Americans have completely isolated themselves from society, but rather that their relationships with otherswhich
are often numerous lack genuine closeness.
Even within the context of marriage, superficial relationships are troublingly
prevalent. Can you imagine the pain and disillusionment that must result when a
marriage relationship dissolves into indifference, distractions and avoidance because
one or both partners essentially decide that, we dont really know each other, and
we dont really want to?
Tragically, it is possible to drift through life without ever experiencing the joy of caring intimacy with another human being. Indeed, far too many people find themselves trapped in a world of shallow, unfulfilling relationships. But we must recognize that this is not how we were created! We were created to relate in caring, giving
ways. Instead of settling for relationships that are distant, formal, or superficial, we
can experience relationships that are personal, deep, warm, and intimate. The popular topic of Emotional Intelligence represents a recent emphasis on people coming
to value the relational skills of identifying various feelings and expressing empathy.
How can we develop, deepen, and maintain this sort of caring intimacy? By drawing
upon the strenghts of our religious beliefs, our relationship with God, and lovingly
reaching out to meet the needs of others. Closeness in relationships is the natural
result of mutual need-meeting.
In the next chapter, we will take a closer look at the ten most significant relational
needs that we all share. But for now, complete the following assessment in order to
clarify your attitudes about neediness.
13
Personal Assessment
Strongly Disagree
1
Disagree
2
Not Sure
3
Agree
4
Strongly Agree
5
1. I believe that God created me with physical, spiritual, and relational needs.
1
2
3
4
5
2. I believe that other people have these same needs.
1
2
3
4
3. I believe that I should be active in seeking to meet the needs of others.

1
2
3
4
5
4. I would prefer trying to meet my own needs rather than asking others for help.
1
2
3
4
5
5. I sometimes think other people should meet their own needs.
1
2
3
4
6. I usually view my own needs as more important than the needs of others.
1
2
3
4
5
7. I feel guilty or bad that I have needs.
1
2
3
14
Gratitude for Love

It is important to recognize that we are needy, but it is equally important that we
realize that close relationships in life have expressed care about our needs.
This connection between human need and caring relationships is evident across the
ages. How do you feel in your heart as you consider that important relationships in
your life have at times noticed, understood and given to your needs?
Then take some time to recall specific occasions when you sensed special care on
your behalf. Remember a time when you were provided for, encouraged, supported
or some other way loved. Then complete the following statement and share it as
a testimony of gratitude:
I remember when (who)_____________________________ met a special need in
my life by ____________________________________.
Recently, (who) _____________________________ expressed care to me by
__________________________________________________________.
As I reflect on how these needs were met in my life my heart is moved with
____________________________________________________________.
As you live life in the coming days - be aware of how important relationships in
your life may be meeting important needs like support and encouragment, appreciation and respect.
As you experience family, friends and others noticing and giving to your needs express your gratitude!
Thank you for __________________________________________________
I appreciate you ________________________________________.
Im grateful that ________________________________________.
15
Living It Out
As you live life in the coming days - look for opportunities to give to the needs of
others in your life.
List some of the important relationships in your life:
1.___________________________________________________________
2.___________________________________________________________
3.___________________________________________________________
4.___________________________________________________________
5.___________________________________________________________
Explore specific ways you might give to the people listed above:
I could consider...
1.__________________________________________________________
2.__________________________________________________________
3.__________________________________________________________
4.__________________________________________________________
5.__________________________________________________________
16
Enrichment
Group
Notes
Small Group
Notes
We have been created with physical, spiritual, and relational needs. In this chapter,
we have discussed five characteristics of those needs and five positive results of our
neediness. As we learn to admit our own needs, we will increasingly be able to
express gratitude for the beneficial aspects of our neediness. In addition, we will be
filled with compassion for others and begin to look for ways in which we can give
to meet their needs.
Starter Question
If you found yourself alone on a desert island without any human contact, what
would you miss most? Who would you miss most? - and why?
Discussion Questions
1. In small groups examine your responses to the Personal Assessment on p. 14,

particularly statements #4 through #7. Take turns discussing these four
statements with your group, sharing with each other which of the four you agreed
with most strongly. Meet one anothers need by giving your undivided attention and
expressing appropriate care.
2. When are you tempted to deny that you have needs?
3. When are you most challenged to give to the needs of others?
4. What kinds of selfish behaviors might lead to divisions and conflicts in relationships?
Homework- Share with someone the following sentences:
I was reminded today how much I love you, and how proud I am that you
are my son/daughter.
I was reminded today how much I love you, and how glad I am that you are
my husband/wife.
I was reminded today how much I love you, and how glad I am that I am
your daughter/son.
17
Chapter 2
The Top Ten
Relational Needs
ow that we have examined some general characteristics of our

neediness, we are ready to undertake a more detailed exploration
of our relational needs. In this chapter, we will survey ten significant
relational needs that are shared by all humanity: acceptance,
affection, appreciation, approval, attention, comfort, encouragement, respect,
security, and support. As we will see, we each have opportunity to both receive
and give in relationship to these needs as we live life to the fullest in relationship
with God and others.
ACCEPTANCE
The need for acceptance is met by receiving others willingly and unconditionally (even
when their behavior has been imperfect) and loving them in spite of any differences
that may exist between you.
Critical to this need for acceptance is to separate a persons worth and value from
their behavior and performance. Each person has worth and value which should be
acknowledged by each of us. For example in parenting, I can still accept and love
my child even while providing correction and discipline of their behavior. Even as
justice is sought and lived out in the affairs of men, dignity and significance of
human life remain important. To communicate acceptance is at times to value a
person while at the same time disapproving or even deploring their behavior.
18
How Might You Meet Others Need for Acceptance?

1. Look beyond peoples faults, realizing that we all have them! The closer we get to
others, the more we notice their imperfections. Acceptance requires that we look
past these flaws and focus instead on meeting their needs. We may need to address
faults but we need to continue to care.
2. Forgive others when they commit offenses against you. Unforgiveness short-circuits acceptance and we all need the understanding and forgiveness of others.
3. Make a special effort to help others feel accepted when they experience failure or
disappointment, as peoples relational need for acceptance is greatly accentuated
during such times.
4. Demonstrate genuine acceptance of those who are of a different race, nationality,
or socio-economic group from your own. Strive to talk with them, welcome them,
include them, and invite them to join you in various activities.
5. Be especially sensitive to others need for acceptance when they enter into a new
environment. When people move to a different city, job or school, they have an
acute need to be accepted and actively received into the new group.
Pause and Reflect:
Take a moment to recall a time when someone looked beyond your faults and saw
your needs. When did you receive acceptance in spite of your behavior? When did
someone look past your inadequacies or failures and communicate their care?
Now, share that memory with your partner or small group. Recount both your
experience and your feelings related to the acceptance you received.
Someone looked past my faults/failures and expressed care to me by ___________.
As a result, I remember feeling _______________.
19
Make certain to give accepting responses to one another as you share. Accepting
responses might sound like: I know that time must have been hard for you. Im
grateful that you received his/her acceptance, or I am sad that you experienced
those difficult things, yet I am happy that there was someone in your life to show
you acceptance.
AFFECTION
The need for affection is met by expressing care and closeness through physical touch
and through words such as I love you or I care about you.
Appropriate expressions of affection are obviously important within marriage.
Infants and children are born needing to be held and hugged in order to develop
in healthy ways.
Even youth and young adults, while they may not admit it, also benefit from
family and friends who express caring affection.
Friendships benefit from heart-felt expressions of caring words and reassuring
presence.
How Might You Meet Others Need for Affection?

1. Give affection through physical touch. Different gestures will be appropriate
depending on the nature of your relationship with the other person:
Your spouse hold, caress, hug, embrace, hold hands, kiss. Many married couples
can benefit by increasing their non-sexual expressions of affection.
Your children hold, hug, kiss, hold hands, wrestle.
20
Friends shake hands, embrace, friendly kiss, give a gentle pat on the
back...always being consistent with appropriate culture and customs.
(Note: Someone might indicate that they are uncomfortable receiving affection
through physical touch, be careful about persisting to offer it.)
2. Verbalize your love and care by speaking tender words of endearment. For many
people in your family it may be particularly meaningful to receive an unsolicited,
spontaneous I love you. If you have difficulty speaking words of love and affection, begin by writing your thoughts on cards and notes before progressing to verbal
communication.
APPRECIATION
The need for appreciation is met by expressing thanks, praise, or commendation,
particularly in recognition of someones accomplishments or efforts; appreciation
has a specific focus on what a person does.
How Might You Meet Others Need for Appreciation?

1. Make it a point to praise people verbally. When someone performs a positive
deed, makes a significant contribution, or simply tries hard, commend that person.
For many people, such verbal praise is particularly effective when given publicly.
2. Focus on the things that people do right, not just on the things that they do
wrong. Your spouse, children, employees, and friends will almost certainly be more
motivated by positive affirmation than by negative critiques.
3. Generously give tangible expressions of appreciation, such as cards, notes,
plaques, and special gifts that reflect a knowledge of the recipients unique interests,
contributions and accomplishments.
21
Pause and Reflect:

First list below a few of the important relationships in your life...spouse, one or
more of your children, friend, co-worker, etc. Then, Recall a recent time when you
were grateful for something that they did in a helpful, positive, supportive way.
IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP
1.
Im appreciative that
2.
3.
4.
Example: My wife Teresa Im appreciative that she is very supportive with
meals, helping with my
clothes and many household
maintenance items.
APPROVAL
The need for approval is met by building up or affirming another person, particularly
for who they are (as opposed to what they do). It is also met by affirming both the
fact and the importance of our relationship with another person.
Approval is best understood as a process of discovering and expressing your gratefulness for another person in terms of who they are (i.e. their character, strengths,
talents, gifts). Approval can be expressed privately as well as publicly. It can be
expressed verbally, in writing, or in other creative ways. Being able to give another
person Approval requires getting to know him/her more deeply.
How Might You Meet Others Need for Approval?

1. Publicly and privately express to people their great value to you by saying things
like, I am so fortunate to have a friend like you, I am so blessed to have you as
my father, or I could not ask for a better co-worker than you!
2. Affirm people for who they are and for the positive character qualities they
exhibit, such as diligence, gentleness, honesty, purity, dependability, faithfulness,
punctuality, compassion, joyfulness and initiative.
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3. Make it a priority to give explicit approval to your immediate family members. If

you are married, tell your spouse: God has blessed me so much by giving me you
as my spouse! If you have children, tell them: I am so proud that you are my
daughter, or I am so glad you are my son, I love you. When parents voice their
approval of a childs unique character qualities, it helps to free that child from feeling like he or she has to compete with siblings or peers for approval. As children
experience the security that comes with parental approval, they are enabled to grow
and mature without being paralyzed by a fear of failure.
4. When you are in a position of authority over others, your approval is especially
important to them. Affirming those over whom you have supervision brings
personal encouragement, strengthens group morale, and keeps people from
becoming weary in doing good.
Pause and Reflect:
From the list below select a character quality that some key people in your life possess. After youve selected a person and a character quality, think of specific events
or experiences that reveal or display these attributes.
Contentment
Gratefulness
Sensitivity
Hospitality
Truthfulness
Diligence
Understanding
Discernment
Patience
Generosity
Self-Control
Resourcefulness
Creativity
Loyalty
Forgiveness
IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP
1. Im grateful that(who)
is
is
is
is
Example:
Im grateful that (who) Teresa is very forgiving-especially of my shortcomings.
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ATTENTION
The need for attention is met by conveying appropriate interest, concern, and care.
Addressing this need requires us to take notice of others and make an effort to
enter into their respective worlds.
Meeting the need for Attention often involves the simplest of the relational skills:
simply noticing, listening and showing interest. Even though simple, a price must
be paid and the price is to think of others more often rather than merely thinking
of ourselves.
How Might You Meet Others Need for Attention?

1. Spend time with people. There is no substitute for simply being with someone.
Time is a valuable commodity, and giving it to others is thus a wonderful way to
express attentive care.
2. Do not just spend time with groups of people; arrange for private meetings with
specific individuals. Our need for attention simply cannot be met as well in groups
as it can in a one-on-one setting. For instance, if you have three children, you might
spend private time with each child on a regular basis in order to meet their individual needs for attention.
3. Meet people where they are. Enter into their worlds. Let your child take you to
his or her favorite park. If you have a business luncheon, pick up your client at his
or her office. When your spouse, child, or friend has a performance, concert, sporting event, or awards ceremony, be there. Even though it might not be your favorite
way to pass the time, invest yourself in the hobbies, activities, and pasttimes of others.
4. Listen to people. Speak less and listen more! Do not dominate conversations,
but encourage others to talk about themselves and their feelings, plans, goals, and
dreams. Arrange to meet people in an environment where you will not be interrupted.
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Concentrate on the conversation; do not daydream or succumb to distractions

(t.v.s, cell phones, etc.). Give eye contact, show interest, ask questions-in order to
better know people.
Pause and Reflect:
Who Entered Your World? Becoming a person who cares for others begins with
learning to truly be with them and getting to know them. Consider your growingup years. Do you remember someone who entered your world and really got to
know you-a parent, aunt, uncle, grandparent, teacher, coach, other friend? Did
these people know you more than at a superficial level-knowing what you enjoyed,
hoped, dreaded, or when you were hurting or afraid?
In the space below, write the names of the people who did know you and describe
how they entered your world and got to know you. Then share one of your examples with others in your group.
Who Knew You?
What Did Entering Your World Look Like?
COMFORT
The need for comfort is met by caringly responding to a hurting person through
words, actions, emotional responses, and physical touch. Meeting this need requires
us to truly hurt with and for another person in the midst of their grief or pain.
A story is told of a young girl named Jane, late for dinner after playing next door at
her friend Marys house. Her mother inquired as to why she was late, and Jane
responded Marys favorite doll broke! So her mother continued to inquire So
25
you stayed to help her fix it? No, said Jane, I stayed and helped her cry.
Comfort is to hurt with another person. Comfort is an emotional, heart-felt
response to anothers heart-felt sadness, pain, loss or discouragement. Comfort is
NOT facts, logic or reason, but rather it is to be moved with compassion to express
CARE to another at their point of pain.
How Might You Meet Others Need for Comfort?

1. Learn to recognize when people need comfort, and be available and willing to
care for them during such times. Peoples need for comfort is most acute when they
are physically ill, dealing with the illness or death of a loved one, going through a
divorce or separation, unemployed, under significant stress, or facing a major change
in their normal routine as a result of a job change, relocation or a similarly disruptive circumstance. Acute trauma from violence, abuse, abandonment and betrayal
most definitely need the blessing of comfort.
2. When someone needs comfort, refrain from analyzing the root causes of their
misfortune (The reason this happened was), giving advice (If I were you, I
would), and criticizing their behavior (If you had not _____, this would not
have happened to you.). Instead, learn to empathize with those who are hurting,
identifying with their feelings, joining them in their mourning, and offering sensitive,
sympathetic care. Remember that comfort is an emotional response to another persons emotional pain. The need for comfort cannot be adequately met by rational
responses such as analysis, advice, or criticism.
3. Use words that convey genuine comfort, such as, I am so sorry that you are
hurting, I hurt for you, I love you and I want to care for you or I am on your
side and I am committed to help you through this. Such expressions of comfort
can be communicated both verbally and in writing.
4. In addition to verbal expressions of comfort, use appropriate physical touch to
share your care. If administered sensitively and sincerely, a warm embrace, a squeeze
of the hand, or simply your quiet presence can bring great comfort to a hurting
person.
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5. Sometimes simply being with others in a time of difficulty or losssitting quietly

beside them in a hospital room, at a funeral, or in their home after a significant crisis provides great comfort.
6. Sincere and emotional responses such as a sad look or even tears can powerfully
convey your compassion and bring comfort.
ENCOURAGEMENT
The need for encouragement is met by urging others to persist and persevere in their
efforts to attain their goals, and by stimulating them toward love and good deeds.
Life in an imperfect world inevitably brings its measure of discouragement, disillusionment and anxiety. From the youngest age we face challenges, difficulties, failures and inadequacies. Its at such times that we dont need to be alone! We need
someone to believe in us, urge us on and re-focus our hopes on the future; such is
the importance of encouragement.
How Might You Meet Others Need for Encouragement?

1. Encourage your spouse, children, and friends to live productive lives by helping
them to develop plans and goals for the future, actively assisting them in reaching
those goals. If they are already goal-oriented, learn what their goals are and help
them to succeed.
2. Recognize when others are discouraged and give encouragement to them. Listen
closely for verbal evidence of discouragement, including statements such as, I will
never be able to I just cant or Its no use. Respond with caring,
comforting words such as, It hurts me to hear you say that or I am sad that you
are feeling this way. Then offer a few words that will build them up, such as: I
believe in you or I know that you can do this.
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3. Encouragement can be given through a phone call, a card or letter, or a personal

visit. Make it a habit to perform several encouraging gestures each day.
4. Let people know that you are thinking of them...that they have recently been on
your mind. Remember things that are important to them, asking about them often.
5. When others are discouraged, include them in a meal, invite them to join you in
an activity or spend a day out together. Often, a simple change of routine, along
with meaningful companionship, can lift a persons spirits and encourage their heart.
Pause and Reflect:
Be on guard to some of the personal challenges of being a great encourager!
We will miss opportunities to encourage others when we are:
Focused so much on our own needs, giving little attention to others
Focused more on the past rather than the future
Insistent on perfection, precision, and our own timing
Controlling, nagging, and complaining
Putting activities and accomplishments before people
Focusing on what we dont have and what we cant do
Lacking hope-filled goals ourselves
After youve marked those items in each category you believe describes you, discuss
your answers with one another.
RESPECT
The need for respect is met by valuing one another highly, treating one another as
important, and honoring one another with our words and actions.
Conveying Respect is to affirm the significance, value and worth that the creator
intends for each human being. Respect for individuals is one of the ways we communicate the unique place that people hold in Gods creative order of all things.
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How Might You Meet Others Need for Respect?

1. Before making an important decision that will impact other people, take time to
discuss the matter with them. For instance, husbands and wives should discuss
business and employment commitments, trips, guests, major expenditures, and other
significant issues before any commitments are made. Likewise, parents should discuss with each other (and even with older children) issues such as household chores
and disciplinary procedures.
2. Ask others to share their ideas and give their input and, whenever possible and
appropriate, defer to their opinions. For example, rather than telling your family
where they are going on holiday, ask them where they would like to go. Instead of
always handing down orders to your employees, allow them to be involved in the
decision- making process.
3. Respect the property, privacy, and personal preferences of those around you. If
you borrow something from a friend, return it in better shape than you received it.
When you are visiting someones home or office, show proper respect for his or her
preferences regarding how it is kept. Honor other peoples privacy: allow your
spouse to enjoy needed times of solitude, knock before entering your childs room,
and ask before sitting at a co-workers desk or looking through another persons
belongings.
4. Respect other peoples time by being prompt for appointments. Being late and
making others wait on us indicates a measure of disrespect for their schedule and
effectively robs them of an irreplaceable commodity--time!
5. Eliminate all prejudices related to the issues of race, ethnicity, gender, and
socio-economic standing. Any such form of cultural bias or favoritism undermines
respect and distracts from the creators having given unique value to every person.
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SECURITY
The need for security is met by establishing and maintaining harmony in our
relationships and providing freedom from fear or threat of harm. This process
involves mutual expressions of vulnerability, the deepening of trust, and the
successful resolution of conflict.
Security needs exist for our safety, and our shelter. We also need to be secure in our
finances and provision---but our relational security is also very important. Security
in relationships is found as family, friends and ever broadening circles of people can
count on me, my character, my integrity. Security in relationships is what brings a
good reputation, loyalty and the promise of an honorable legacy.
How Might You Meet Others Need for Security?

1. Seek to increase relational security in your closest relationships. For example,
a husband should live in such a way that his wife does not worry about his
faithfulness to their marriage. Children should be made to feel secure in the knowledge that their parents will always love and care for them. Close friends should
demonstrate a depth of commitment to each other that will prevail through good
times and bad.
2. Keep your promises. Always do the things that you have committed to do.
Simply say Yes when you mean Yes, and say No when you mean No.
3. Provide financial security for those to whom you are responsible. Provide for
your family. Pay bills. Dont live beyond your means. Act with integrity in all matters.
4. Develop self-control, especially with regard to your emotions. A quick temper
will hinder others from experiencing security in their relationships with you.
Be consistent in how you relate to people. Extreme mood swings will undermine
your ability to establish peace and security in a relationship. If you are up one day
and down the next, those close to you will always be wondering, What is he
going to be like today? Emotional consistency breeds feelings of security.
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Pause and Reflect:

Noted below is a list of areas which need to be assessed for personal freedom in
order for us to provide relational security to those around us. Review this list and
circle those areas which may need your attention. Pause and bring to your mind
specific examples or situations that demonstrate your need for freedom in these
areas. In order for those around us to be secure, we need to be free from:
Avoiding truth
Flip-flopping on decisions
Excessive moodiness
Temper outbursts
Selfishness
Childish self-pity
Fears/insecurities
Pride/self-focus
A focus on taking/not giving
Perfectionism
Self-protection/avoiding vulnerability Avoiding emotion
Overly controlling of others
Impulsive decisions
After you have considered which of these areas may need to be addressed, vulnerably share one or two with your group-then maybe with others in your life!
SUPPORT
The need for support is met by coming alongside others and providing gentle,
appropriate assistance with a problem or struggle.
Support is the most practical of all the relational needs and can be illustrated by:
1. First, notice the problems, challenges and burdens that others around
you are under. They are being weighed down by them.
2. Then, determine what practical help is needed.
3. Join them under the burden of their problem. Do not offer advice
or instruction, but your presence and support.
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How Might You Meet Others Need for Support?

1. Anticipate and notice when people are experiencing periods of stress, and be
available to help them. High stress can be produced by busy schedules,
unemployment, illness, death in the family, divorce, financial instability, family problems, relocation, or pressures at work. Such occasions can produce more pressure
than one person can bear without the support of others.
2. Be willing to do practical tasks to help others. Providing a meal, running errands,
cleaning, child-care, or household assistance may provide just the emotional lift that
someone needs.
3. Offer to use your personal resources to help support others. Not only will you
meet the practical needs of others by aiding them in this way, but they will also be
uniquely encouraged and blessed by your generosity.
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Gratitude for Love

Imagine a beautiful, many sided diamond, brilliant in color and clarity. This is the
image of love in its many forms. Just as a diamond has many facets that each
reflect light in a unique and stunning way, so love has many aspects, each of which
become visible in our lives at various times according to need. Picture this multifaceted diamond being offered to you as a gift, with each side of the diamond representing the love necessary to address one of your ten key relational needs.
Extended to you is loving acceptance, affectionate care, appreciation for your
efforts, approval for who you are, comfort when you are in pain, encouragement
when you are down, respect for you as an individual, security in the midst of uncertainty, and support when you are burdened. What have you or I done to deserve
such a wondrous gift? We have done nothing. We can do nothing. It is only in love
that our needs are met.
Pause to reflect on a time when you were discouraged and you were encouraged
through someone who cared. Remember a time when you were hurting and you
were comforted or when you were lonely and someone took thought of you. Then
complete the following statement:
I remember a time when I felt
to me by
as he/she
, and love was extended

.
For example:
I remember a time when I felt lonely, and love was extended to me by a friend as
he/she called me and showed me love and concern.
Pause to reflect on your gratitude for the precious, multi-faceted gift of love.
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Living It Out
Close relationships at home, with friends, and within your community are
deepened as relational needs are identified and met through caring involvement
in each others lives. As we undertake this task, it is important that we avoid two
unhelpful patterns of behavior: concealing our needs while still expecting
others to meet them (I am not going to tell anyone what my needs are, but I am
upset, disappointed, and hurt that they are not being met) and being unsure about
what our needs really are while still expecting others to meet them (I do not know
what I need, but I am upset, disappointed, and hurt that no one has figured it out).
When we vulnerably share our needs with those who are close to us, we are
exercising confidence that they want to know what we need and giving them an
opportunity to help us. Likewise, our honesty creates a setting within which others
feel safe sharing their needs and allowing us to care for them. Such an environment
of mutual transparency and concern also allows those who are unsure about the
exact nature of their needs to gradually explore them in the context of a loving
community.
Take some time to consider one of your key relational needs, and think about how
you would like those close to you to act in order to address that need; then
complete the following statement:
One of my key relational needs is ________________, and it is met when someone
_________________________________________________________________.
In groups of two or three, take turns vulnerably sharing your responses. After each
person shares, meet one anothers need for encouragement by offering words of
reassurance such as, I want to care for you in this way or I will look forward to
being a part of meeting this need.
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Enrichment Group Notes

When relational needs are met, our lives are enriched. It is important to learn what
those needs look like in ourselves and others. In this chapter, we have explored ten
specific relational needs, focusing on how we can meet these needs for others.
1. Complete the following sentence: I feel loved, cared for, important, or special in
my family/marriage when.....
Now review the list of Ten Relational Needs, along with their definitions and then
note which relational need this may be meeting.
For example:
*I feel cared for when my family members help me with the chores around the
house. (support)
*I feel loved when my husband surprises me with appreciative words.
(appreciation)
2. Complete the following sentence: I feel loved, cared for, important, or special in
my friendships when.....
Now review the list of Ten Relational Needs, along with their definitions and then
note which relational need this may be meeting.
For example:
*I feel important to a friend when he/she seeks my input, advice or opinion.
(respect)
*I feel connected to a friend when he/she takes initiative to contact/check on me.
(attention)
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Getting to know a person well involves learning about what is on the inside
(thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, concerns, etc.) as well as what can be observed
externally (physical attributes, abilities, occupation, etc.). A good way to do this is to
engage someone in discussion using open-ended questions (ones that cannot be
answered with a simple yes or no).
Here are a few examples of meeting a persons need for Attention
Tell me about yourself and some of the things you enjoy.
What do you like most about living here/working there, etc.?
If you could do anything you wanted to, what would it be?
You seem upset today. Would you like to talk about it?
In addition, occasional responses of concern, celebration, sadness, or appreciation
will assure the person that you care about what they say.
3. In groups of two or three, take turns learning something new about each other
as you practice using open-ended questions.
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Chapter 3
Overcoming Hindrances
to Grateful Giving
ince we are created with needs that can

only be met through relationships, how we interact with one another
concerning our needs will determine the health and fulfillment in our families,
friendships, workplaces, and communities. In healthy relationships, a dynamic of
grateful giving is present.
Grateful giving might include:

Initiating quality time to better know a family member or friend.
Surprising a relative or friend with an unexpected phone call.
Supporting people with difficult circumstances in practical ways with food,
clothing, etc.
Volunteering as a mentor to needy children or youth.
Remembering to acknowledge a friends birthday with a card, call or gift.
Surprising a friend or family member with their favorite snack or soft drink.
Regretably, relationships at home, in the workplace, at school or in the community

are very often not characterized by grateful giving. Exploring the three common
hindrances to needs being met can assist us in becoming more of a giving first
person.
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Reflections on Grateful Giving: Consider Your Recent Giving

First Experiences to Family, Friends and Others...
Recently I was able to give first to (who) __________ by____________.
Recently I was able to show (who)___________ attention by __________.
Recently I was able to encourage (who)__________ by ______________.
Recently I was able to give comfort to (who)__________ by __________.
Share at least one example with your group.
Hindrances to Relational Closeness

What hinders and limits our relationships, keeping them superficial and disengaged?
What tendencies do you see in yourself that have caused relationships to struggle or
be disrupted? What blocks us from expressing more of the love our family and
friends need?
Three of the most damaging obstacles to closeness and abundance in relationships
are selfishness, self-reliance and self- condemnation.
SELFISHNESS - EXALTING
OUR OWN NEEDS
My needs are the most important! You owe me. Demanding or manipulating to get needs met; taking from others instead of patiently receiving.
A person hindered by selfishness is exalting his needs, demanding that they be met
or selfishly taking what he needs. Underlying this attitude is a belief that, I will not
be okay unless my needs are met and I must take matters into my own hands. We
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might see this tendency revealed by a person who talks constantly and at great
length about himself without asking about others. This behavior suggests an unmet
need for attention. Rather than trust others to inquire of him, he demands their
attention by dominating the conversation. In a more subtle way, selfishness may be
at work in someone who works excessively, compulsively seeking approval through a
variety of achievements. The tragedy of selfish taking is that we end up securing
only a counterfeit of that which we really need-unconditional love demonstrated
through the meeting of relational needs.
Miss out on the joy of giving.
Giving to others brings an inner sense of joy that we have positively contributed
to the life of another. Giving also guards our heart from a destructive sense of our
own self-entitlement. Failure to recognize and put away this tendency can cause us
to miss out on the true joy of giving to meet others needs. In addition, we may
experience rejection as others are pushed away by our self-centered behavior.
Become even more dissatisfied.
Ironically, when we selfishly take to have our needs met, even when someone
meets our need, were not satisfied. When we take a hug from our spouse, our
need for affection is not satisfied. When we manipulate or make demands to get
attention, even if we get it, our need is not met. When we intimidate someone into
asking our opinion, our need for respect is not satisfied. We cant experience gratefulness for the affection, attention or respect we received from others because down
deep we know that it was not freely given, but we took it.
Selfishness doesnt satisfy. It actually hinders our ability to experience close and
abundant relationships. Focus exclusively on our own needs and our friends will be
few!
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You Might be Hindered by Selfish Taking When:

You find yourself talking more than listening.
You are frequently disappointed by others lack of noticing you or expressing care.
You become demanding towards others or often angry at their insensitivites toward
you.
Others might at times avoid you, lose interest in you or rarely give to you.
Over-coming Selfishness
A. Thinking More of Others Than Yourself
Pause and Reflect:
Before you begin sharing, plan to listen carefully, give good eye contact and focus
your thoughts on seeking to better know your partner. Make brief notes if you
need to, but seek to remember whats being shared.
Be slow to speak, quick to listen.
Listening Exercise: Practice listening attentively to a partner in your group as you
each take turns sharing such things as:
1.
2.
3.
4.
A very special person in your life as you were growing up.

A place you would like to visit if you could visit anywhere in the world.
A favorite food, snack or beverage.
Two words that others might use to describe you.
Pause and Reflect:

Now in your small group, take turns introducing your partner to the group. For
example: Davids grandfather was a very accepting and supportive person in his
life. David loves visiting South Africa with his wife Teresa, especially to see her
excitement in seeing animals. A favorite food would be chips and hotsauce and
friends might describe David as laid back and a visionary. (Note: use as few of
your notes as possible, sharing as much as possible from memory.)
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Group Member Name

1.
Notes
2.
3.
4.
5.
B. Give First - Dont Try to Overcome Wrong with Wrong - but

Overcome Wrong with Right
The wrong of selfish-taking is best overcome by grateful giving. Its difficult to
think of yourself when youve focused on thinking of others (reflect on your
Listening Exercise on the previous page). Begin each day asking - who will I give
to today? and it will help overcome selfishness.
Pause and Reflect:
Consider now a few ideas for giving first to your group members based upon
what you have come to know about them.
For Example:
I could find and send an article on their favorite place to visit.
I could send a note or mention privately/publicly my appreciation for having seen
one of the descriptive words that others might have used to describe this group
member.
I could ask, what made your grandfather or other special person so meaningful in
your life - could you share a story?
I could surprise my group member with their favorite food, snack, etc. next time I
see him/her.
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Pause and Reflect:

Consider at least two or three giving first ideas you can follow through on with
members of your group between now and your next meeting.
Group Member Name
1.
Giving First Plan
2.
3.
4.
5.
SELF-RELIANCE - DENYING
OUR NEEDS
I dont have any needs, but if I did, I would meet them myself.
Self-reliance is another obstacle to genuine health and abundance in relationships.
Self-reliance reflects a denial of our neediness and stems from a core belief that, I
dont have any needs that cannot be met on my own. The danger of denying our
need for others is that prideful self-reliance can develop hardness of heart and cause
us to blindly miss caring for the needs of others from a grateful heart.
Not only does self-reliance blind us from the truth of our neediness, it also inhibits
our ability and willingness to meet the needs of others. We will often minimize the
needs of others (since we refuse to validate them in ourselves). When we begin to
understand and face our own neediness, we become more understanding, sympathetic, patient, caring, and respectful.
Denying our needs seriously hinders healthy relationships. If were not willing to
admit that we have needs, we may be reluctant to acknowledge the needs of other
people and well often tend to resist meeting them.
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If I think I dont need comfort, I may show little empathy when someone
else needs comforting.
If Im unwilling to admit that I need attention, I may resist meeting even my
childrens need for attention.
If I think everyone ought to take care of themselves when they are discouraged, I may be reluctant to offer support or encouragement when others are
going through hard times.
When people attempt to express their needs, our attitude may be Whats wrong
with you? I dont have any needs, why do you? We may impatiently resort to criticism, lecturing, correcting, teaching, belittling, or just plain neglect.
Sadly, self-reliance hinders your own needs being met. When others try to comfort
us we may respond with, Im fine. When someone attempts to support us we may
communicate, I can do it myself. In summary, two common painful outcomes
from self-reliance often are:
Miss out on the Closeness of Connected Relationships and Community.
Recall the thought that aloneness is not good - we were made to relate!
Fulfillment in life comes in large part through the closeness of family and friendships plus the connection with others in caring community. You miss out on the
intimacy that comes from others caring for you when self-reliance is not addressed.
Miss out on the Joy of Giving
The joy of seeing others positively impacted through the thoughtfulness and caring
initiatives of our lives is missed as we entertain the self-reliant lie that since I really
dont need other people - why should they need me?! Giving first to others
prompts gratitude and often a contagious giving follows as our life impacts others
with a legacy of thoughtful care.
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You might be hindered by self-reliance when:

You are more task-focused than people focused.
You often miss the important needs of others in your life.
Others might view you as non-relational, cold, insensitive, aloof.
You view others who express needs as if they are weak.
You become prideful about how well you can take care of everything by yourself.
Pause and Reflect:
Consider again the important person you mentioned from your growing up. In
what ways would you say they gave to you?
I sensed (who)________________ was an important person in my life especially
as he/she gave __________________.
Example: I sensed my grandfather was an important person in my life, especially as
he continued to spend quality time with me and show interest in my life, even when
as a teenager, I was very rebellious.
Overcoming Self-Reliance
A. Vulnerability with Your Own Needs, Pain & Struggles
Risking openness in safe relationships about our own struggles and pain is critical
to addressing the self-reliant lie.
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I need to be more open and vulnerable with (who)______________________

about __________________________________.
Example: I need to be more open and vulnerable with my small group about
my struggles with my temper.
Risking openness with family and friends about our needs, opens the way for deeper, closer relationships.
Pause and Reflect:
It means a lot to me when a friend ____________________________.
Example: It means a lot to me when a friend initiates contact just to check
on me.
I enjoy it when someone I know ______________________________.
Example: I enjoy it when someone I know notices Im down, or not
myself and asks why?
Take turns sharing and possibly note what each member shares:
Group Member
1.
Ideas for Caring Connection
2.
3.
4.
5.
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B. Giving First
Again a critical part of breaking self-reliance is to gratefully give to others even
when our natural tendancy might be to think they shouldnt need me!
Pause and Reflect:
Look at giving first opportinities from the previous list. Consider a giving-first
plan for two or three group members between now and your next meeting.
Group Member Name
1.
Giving First Plan
2.
3.
4.
5.
SELF-CONDEMNATION - CONDEMNING
OUR NEEDINESS
I think I have needs, but I feel guilty that I do. Maybe Im needy because
theres something wrong with me.
A third obstacle to health and abundance in relationships is self-condemnation.
This tendency reflects a condemnation of our neediness and reveals an underlying
belief that, There must be something wrong with me because I am needy. Im
either inadequate or not worth having needs met. Here, the presence of neediness
is admitted, but condemned. It might appear in a person apologizing because she
cried in your presence. You may also see self-condemnation at work if a friend
apologizes for making an issue of the disappointment felt when you failed to call
or drop by for several weeks.
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Most of us are unaware that these obstacles to healthy relationships are at work
within us. Few of us awoke one day and decided to begin being self-condemning or
selfish or self-reliant. We gradually developed these tendencies without conscious
awareness. A pattern of self-condemnation may be related to having received much
criticism and blame. Self-condemnation could also be related to home environments where very few relational needs were met.
Self-condemnation is a subtle trap that says:
I want to spend time with other people; I must be overly
dependent.
I cannot do this project by myself; I guess I must be incompetent.
I seem to need my spouse to encourage me; is there something wrong
with me?
Self-condemnation robs us of life abundance in at least two ways:
Miss Out On Gratefully Receiving from Others
Condemnation tends to block receiving from others even when they seek to initiate
care. Since condemnation tends to bring questions about my worth and value, when
a family member or friend seeks to give to me in some way, I might discount their
care as if its not true or Im not deserving.
For Example:
Receiving Affirmation: Youre really good at (computers, music, sports, etc.)
might prompt, Im not nearly as good as I ought to be.
Receiving Appreciation: I really appreciate you for (your kindness, phone call,
help, etc). might prompt, Oh, its not that big a deal.
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When our receiving is hindered, our gratitude is hindered and then our giving to
others is hindered! Those who struggle with self-condemnation tend not to be genuinely grateful, joyful people.
Miss Out on Giving First to Others
With gratitude hindered, thoughtful giving to others is often hindered. Additionally,
even as I might seek to give to others - Im hindered in seeing that others would
really value my encouragement, my appreciation, my attention - because after all Im
not very important anyway!
You might be hindered by self-condemnation when:
You doubt why others would want to spend time with you.
You apologize - Im sorry for an excessive number of things which are not your
fault. Or, you resist admitting when you are wrong.
You discount/reject others expressions of appreciation/approval.
You often feel inadequate about many things.
You might often avoid close relationships or relational settings.
Overcoming Self-Condemnation
A. Receive from Others
When given a compliment or apprecation - simply say thank you- dont discount
or minimize what a friend or family member is seeking to give.
When someone wants to rejoice and celebrate with you - let them - youre worth it!
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Pause and Reflect:

One of my current joys or celebrations is ______________________________.
Now take turns sharing and celebrating.
Im excited youre getting to do that.
I know you must be grateful - I want to celebrate with you. (Learn to rejoice and
celebrate with someone who is rejoicing!)
When someone wants to offer care when youre struggling - let them - youre worth
it!
Pause and Reflect:
One of my current struggles or challenges is ____________________________.
Now take turns sharing and offering comfort.
That must be difficult. Im sorry youre going through that.
Im sad for that loss, struggle, rejection, etc. (Learn to give care when someone is
struggling/hurting.)
B. Giving First
As strange as it may be, an important part of overcoming self-condemnation is to
start giving - even when you dont think anyone would want to receive from you!
Experiencing the grateful impact that your thoughtful initiative and caring concern
can make in the life of another, not only pleases them, but affirms to you that you
and your love matter to others!
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Pause and Reflect:

Consider the list of selected character qualities below and then take turns sharing
words of grateful approval with one another. Start with each person giving and
receiving at least one affirming sentence.
Selected Character Qualities:
Sensitive
Thoughtful
Supportive
Caring
Understanding
Creative
Diligent
Dependable
Resourceful
Hospitable
Generous
Grateful
(Who)___________, Ive come to really appreciate you for your

__________________________especially when ________________.
(Who)___________, Im grateful for your _________________ as you have
______________________.
Summary:
Contagious, grateful giving is a key to healthy homes, workplaces, friendships, communities and relationships of all kinds. Overcoming our hindrances is a lifelong
challenge but well worth the effort.
To help overcome selfishness, listen and give to others.
To help overcome self-reliance, be vulnerable and give to others.
To help overcome self-condemnation, receive and give to others.
Notice the importance of becoming a giving first person!
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Gratitude for Love

The Benefits of Gratefulness
As we mentioned previously, all humans have physical, spiritual, and relational
needs. Meeting those needs will cause us to have a heart of gratitude. Some benefits of gratitude are:
Gratefulness helps prompt our giving to others.
Gratefulness guards us from a critical, negative attitude.
Gratefulness guards us from a judgmental spirit.
Gratefulness, when expressed to others, can motivate them to continue in
their lifestyle of giving.
Gratefulness to God is an important element of our relationship with Him.
It also reminds us to remember Gods benefits and to count our blessings.
Sharing Blessings
Take time to identify benefits youve experienced during this study. Consider how
youve been blessed through your family, friends, co-workers or other group members.
Additionally, you might regularly involve family members in a sharing of recent
blessings and expressing appreciation. Some of the blessings could be:
Loved ones, whom you've recently been reminded of in a special way.
Character qualities in your spouse, children, family or friends which are
inspiring to you.
Often overlooked blessings of creation, life, health, and provision.
Specific caring initiatives toward you.
Spiritual realities such as peace, prayer and reassurance.
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The Expression of Appreciation

Appreciation helps seal in our hearts the reality of the blessings, and when we
express appreciation, others are pleased and encouraged. Appreciation can be
shared:
Verbally with a simple "thanks."
In writing, with a note or email of appreciation.
Publicly as we tell others of our genuine gratitude.
Look for expressions of family members love, special people, events, and experiences that have impacted our lives. Then privately or publicly, verbally or in writing
- express your gratefulness.
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Living It Out
Learning to Identify Peoples Needs
by Listening to What They Say
People often express their relational needs through their words. The more familiar
we are with the Top Ten Relational Needs, the better equipped we will be to identify
others needs by simply listening to what they are saying. Listed below are some
phrases you might hear from your spouse, children, friends, or co-workers. Beside
each phrase, write down the relational need(s) that the statement reflects.
Acceptance
Comfort
Affection
Encouragement
Appreciation
Respect
Approval
Security
Attention
Support
You are always so busy. ______________________________

Look what I did! ___________________________________
Are you interested in what I think?______________________
Do you love me? ___________________________________
I just cannot do this. ________________________________
I feel so out of place. _______________________________
I have had a really bad day. ___________________________
Could we spend some time together? ___________________
I am really upset! ___________________________________
I just need you to hold me. ___________________________
Would you help me? ________________________________
I wish my nose was not so big. ________________________
What do you think of my project? ______________________
I cannot do anything right! ___________________________
I quit! ___________________________________________
You always make all the decisions. _____________________
I just want a place we can call home. ____________________
Slow to speak - quick to listen! Now that you have listened, give first to their
needs!
53

Three common hindrances to needs being met and to being a grateful, giving person are selfishness, self-reliance and self-condemnation. Most of us are hindered in
our relationships in at least one of these patterns. We can overcome these hindrances by better listening and giving, more vulnerability and giving, and better
receiving and giving. Notice the important common theme of giving!
1. Listening, Vulnerability and Giving Care

Let us take the opportunity to be known and demonstrate care as we complete the
following sentences:
I have felt compassion recently for _________________________________.
(For example: my teenage daughter as she struggles to be accepted by her peer
group).
I have needed support recently in __________________________________.
(For example: managing home repair challenges).
I have recently experienced pain about ______________________________.
(For example: being misunderstood by my neighbor).
Prepare your own answers to these sentences and share at least one of them with
your partner or team.
Be sure to give accepting responses as each person finishes their time of sharing.
Make brief notes about the responses of other members. This will allow you to
know each person in a more meaningful way and help you remember their important feelings and relationships.
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Name: __________________ Responses: ________________________________

Name: __________________ Responses: ________________________________
Name: __________________ Responses: ________________________________
2. Thanks List
Begin by listing at least six areas of genuine thankfulness you have about your relationships at home, with friends and at work. Be specific. Look particularly for
things you may take for granted. (For example: Im grateful for my husbands hard
work as a provider for our family. Im thankful for my friends loyalty and faithfulness to our friendship. Im thankful for the way my family member shows care
with words and affection. I appreciate my co-workers sensitivity to others feelings.)
Thanks List
1.______________________________________________________________
2.______________________________________________________________
3.______________________________________________________________
4.______________________________________________________________
5.______________________________________________________________
6.______________________________________________________________
Now share at least one of these with a partner or your small group as you receive
their celebration with you.
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3. Giving to someone you might avoid!

We all have people in our lives who we might avoid.
Maybe someone who has hurt us, someone with whom we have had conflict, etc.
Our becoming a person who gives first means we may want to re-consider our
attitude and actions.
Pause and Reflect:
A person in my life I need to consider giving to might be (who) ___________.
I could give to him/her by _________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________.
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Chapter 4
Which Needs Are Most
Important?
e were all created by God with
certain physical, spiritual, and relational
needs. These needs are part of what
we all have in common as humans.
However, while we all share the same relational needs, their order of
importance may differ greatly from person to person. For example, your most
significant need may be for affection, while your friend or spouses greatest need
may be for security. One of your children may have a strong need for comfort, but
another childs greatest need may be encouragement. Appreciation may be at the
top of the list for your neighbor, while someone you work with might need
approval more than anything else.
If we do not recognize this important truth, we may fall into the trap of attempting
to meet other peoples needs by providing them only what is most important to us
or what we think they need. For instance, if your greatest need is for affection, you
may sincerely inundate your spouse with affection without realizing that it may be at
the bottom of his or her needs list. You may then become upset when your spouse
is not overwhelmed with gratitude for what you perceive as your generous gift of
affection. It would be an innocent, well-meaning mistake on your part, but a mistake
nevertheless. Maybe your best friend needs encouragement but you with good
intentions consistently share appreciation; without realizing it, you have missed out
on loving them well.
Learning to love others well requires that we take the time to know them and to
discover their high-priority needs.
What determines the order of importance of our relational needs? Why might one
persons greatest need be another persons least significant one? In this chapter, we
will explore the concept of high-priority needs and how these possibly became so
important.
57
DISCOVERING YOUR HIGH-PRIORITY RELATIONAL NEEDS

We have provided two tools to help determine high-priority needs. The Top Ten
Relational Needs Assessment (page 60) will simply ask you to select the three needs that
you believe to be of greatest importance to you based on their descriptions. The Top
Ten Relational Needs Questionnaire (page 61) will help you to create a more thorough
consideration of your needs by asking you to respond to a series of statements that
are designed to reveal the degree to which each of the ten relational needs is significant to you. We will encourage you to seek opportunities to utilize these tools with
friends, family and others in order that you can better know and care for others.
After you have completed both the needs assessment and the questionnaire,
compare your two sets of results. Sometimes the questionnaire reveals that our
highest-priority needs are different from those that we selected on the needs
assessment. It can be insightful to consider why such differences occur, and it is
particularly important to reflect on whether some of the inconsistencies are related
to the fact that certain needs are harder for us to admit that we have. Another reason our guesses might not match the inventory is that often we may not know
ourselves and be aware of ourselves in this relational way, which is often associated with others in our life not giving priority to relational connections. We also
encourage you to use this assessment and questionnaire with others in order to gain
greater insight into their unique mix of relational needs.
58
Top Ten Relational Needs Assessment

Instructions: Read the definitions below and select the three needs that you believe
are most important to you.
Acceptance: Receiving others willingly and unconditionally (even when their
behavior has been imperfect) and loving them in spite of any offenses or differences that may exist between you.
Affection: Expressing care and closeness through appropriate physical touch and
through words such as I love you or I care about you.
Appreciation: Expressing thanks, praise, or commendation, particularly in recognition of someones accomplishments or efforts; appreciation has a specific focus
on what a person does.
Approval: Building up or affirming another person, particularly for who they
are (as opposed to what they do) and their characteristics. It is also met by affirming
both the fact and the importance of our relationship with another person.
Attention: Conveying appropriate interest, concern, and care. Addressing this
need requires us to take notice of others and make an effort to listen to them, give
them time, and enter into their respective worlds for their sake.
Comfort: Caringly responding to a hurting person through words, actions, emotional responses, and appropriate physical touch.
Encouragement: Urging others to persist and persevere in their efforts to attain
their goals, and by stimulating them toward love and good deeds.
Respect: Valuing one another highly, treating one another as important, and honoring one another with our words and actions. Valuing anothers opinion, privacy,
and properties.
Security: Establishing and maintaining harmony in our relationships and providing freedom from fear or threat of harm.
Support: Coming alongside others and providing gentle, appropriate assistance
with a problem or struggle.
59
Top Ten Relational Needs Questionnaire

Instructions: Respond to these statements by placing the appropriate number
beside each item.
Strongly Disagree
-2
Disagree
-1
Not Sure
0
Agree
+1
Strongly Agree
+2
____ 1. It is important that people receive me for who I am, even if I am a

little different.
____ 2. It is important to me that my world is in order.
____ 3. I sometimes grow tired of trying to do my best.
____ 4. It is significant to me when others ask my opinion.
____ 5. It is important that I receive frequent physical hugs, warm embraces, etc.
____ 6. I feel good when someone takes a special interest in the things that are
important to me.
____ 7. It is important to me to know where I stand with those who are in authority
over me.
____ 8.It is meaningful when someone notices that I need help and then offers to get
involved.
____ 9. When I feel overwhelmed, I especially need someone to come alongside me
and help.
____ 10. I feel pleased when someone recognizes and shows concern for how I am
feeling emotionally.
____ 11. I like to know that who I am is significant and valued by others.
____ 12. Generally speaking, I dont like a lot of solitude.
____ 13. I like it when my loved ones say to me, I love you.
____ 14. I dont like being seen only as a part of a large groupmy individuality is
important.
____ 15. I am pleased when a friend calls to listen to me and encourage me.
____ 16. It is important to me that people acknowledge me not just for what I do,
but for who I am.
____ 17. I feel best when my world is orderly and somewhat predictable.
____ 18. When I have worked hard on a project, I am pleased to have people acknowledge my work and express gratitude.
____ 19. I am happy when others who enjoy my company are with me.
____ 20. It is encouraging to me when I realize that others notice my efforts and
accomplishments.
____ 21. I sometimes feel overwhelmed and discouraged.
60
____ 22. It is important to me to be treated with kindness and equality regardless of

my race, gender, looks, and status.
____ 23. To have someone I care about touch me on the arm or shoulder or hug
me feels good.
____ 24. I enjoy it when someone wants to spend time with just me.
____ 25. It is meaningful when someone I look up to says, Good job.
____ 26. It is important to me for someone to show concern for me after Ive had a
hard day.
____ 27.While I may feel confident about what I do (my talents, gifts, etc.), I also
believe that I need other peoples input and help.
____ 28. Written notes and calls expressing sympathy after the death of a loved
one, health problems, or other stressful events are (or would be) very meaningful to me.
____ 29. I feel good when someone shows satisfaction with the way I am.
____ 30. I enjoy being spoken well of or affirmed in front of a group of people.
____ 31. I would be described as an affectionate person.
____ 32. When a decision is going to affect my life, it is important to me that my
input is sought and given serious consideration.
____ 33. I am pleased when someone shows interest in current projects on which I
am working.
____ 34. I appreciate trophies, plaques, and special gifts, which are a permanent
reminder of something significant that I have done.
____ 35. It is not unusual for me to worry about the future.
____ 36. When I am introduced into a new environment, I typically search for a
group of people with whom I can connect.
____ 37. The possiblility of major change (moving, new job, etc.) produces anxiety
for me.
____ 38. It bothers me when people are prejudiced against others just because
they dress or act different.
____ 39. It is necessary for me to be surrounded by friends and loved ones who will be
there for me through thick and thin.
____ 40. Receiving written notes and expressions of gratitude particularly please
me.
____ 41. To know that someone is thinking of me is very meaningful.
____ 42. People who try to control me or others annoy me.
____ 43. I am pleased by unexpected and spontaneous expressions of care.
____ 44. I feel important when someone looks me in the eye and listens to me
without distractions.
____ 45. I am grateful when people commend me for a positive characteristic I
exhibit.
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____ 46. I dont like to be alone when experiencing hurt and trouble; it is important
for me to have a companion who will be with me.
____ 47. I dont enjoy working on a project by myself; I prefer to have a partner
on important projects.
____ 48. It is important for me to know I am part of the group.
____ 49. I respond to someone who tries to understand me emotionally and who
shows me caring concern.
____ 50. When working on a project, I would rather work with a team of people
than by myself.
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Identifying Your Top Needs Form

1. Add up your responses to statements:
1 ______
19 ______
36 ______
38 ______
48 ______
Total _________
These responses relate to Acceptance.

5 ______
13 ______
23 ______
31 ______
43 ______
Total ________
These responses relate to Affection.

2 ______
17 ______
35 ______
37 ______
39 ______
Total _________
These responses relate to Security.

6 ______
12 ______
24 ______
30 ______
44 ______
Total ________
These responses relate to Attention.

18 ______
20 ______
25 ______
34 ______
40 ______
Total _________
These responses relate to Appreciation.

7 ______
11 ______
16 ______
29 ______
45 ______
Total ________
These responses relate to Approval.

3 ______
15 ______
21 ______
33 ______
41 ______
Total _________
These responses relate to Encouragement.

10 ______
26 ______
28 ______
46 ______
49 ______
Total ________
These responses relate to Comfort.
5 Add up your responses to statements:

4 ______
14 ______
22 ______
32 ______
42 ______
Total _________
These responses relate to Respect.

8 ______
9 ______
27 ______
47 ______
50 ______
Total ________
These responses relate to Support.
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1. What were your three highest totals? Which needs do they represent?
____________________ ____________________ ____________________
2. What were your three lowest totals? Which needs do they represent?
____________________ ____________________ ____________________
Pause and Reflect: Share with a partner or enrichment group:

As you have considered your high-priority needs, what surprises have you found?
What high-priority needs from the questionnaire would you have not anticipated?
What low-priority needs are surprising?
Considering my highest three needs I am somewhat surprised by:
____________________________________________________.
Considering my lowest three needs I am somewhat surprised by:
____________________________________________________.
Considering the three needs I guessed from page 60, I am somewhat surprised by:
____________________________________________________.
Next, we will explore four of the most common factors that tend to drive our
high-priority needs, i.e., Why do some people tend to need more security and
encouragement, while others tend to need more respect and appreciation? The four
factors we will explore relate to:
1.
2.
3.
4.
64
How God has made us.

Our current life situation
How needs were abundantly met in childhood.
How needs were missed in childhood.
1. HOW GOD HAS MADE US AS UNIQUE INDIVIDUALS HELPS

DETERMINE OUR HIGH-PRIORITY NEEDS.
Our childhood experiences cannot completely account for the development of our
high-priority needs. Our distinctive personalities play a significant role. Thus, if
we were to observe two children growing up in the same family, we might find that
one child exhibited a profound need for affection by desiring to be hugged and
held, while the other child did not respond to physical displays of affection, but
greatly valued words of approval. We were each created as unique individuals, and
our specific high-priority relational needs constitute one important way in which
our uniqueness is expressed.
Pause and Reflect:
You likely may not remember much about your own early childhood, but consider
these questions:
1. (If you had brothers and sisters) From my earliest memories it seemed like:
My brother(s) needed more ___________________________________.
My sister(s) needed more ___________________________________.
While I needed ____________________________________________.
2. Consider babies and young children you have observed:
My son, daughter, niece, nephew, friends baby seems to need ________
_________________________________________________________.
Share Together: Take turns reflecting on how unique each child has been created.
2. OUR CURRENT LIFE SITUATION HELPS DETERMINE OUR

HIGH-PRIORITY NEEDS.
Our high-priority needs may be partially determined by our present
circumstances. If you are starting your own business, your greatest need may be for
support. If you are suffering from a physical illness or have just lost a loved one,
your need for comfort may be very pronounced. If you have just moved to a new
city, job, or school, you may have a profound need for acceptance.
65
Pause and Reflect:

Consider your high-priority needs along with your current life situation. Do you
see any connection between one of your needs and current things happening in
your life?
My high need for _____________________ may relate to ________________
_______________________________________________________________.
Example:
My high need for security may relate to the economic times and the uncertaintly of
my current job.
3. NEEDS THAT WERE ABUNDANTLY MET DURING

CHILDHOOD OFTEN BECOME HIGH-PRIORITY NEEDS.
If you grew up in a very secure environment where your parents created a comfortable routine, there was predictability, harmony, structure to home life, and relationships were relatively healthy with your family, free from the negative effects of
anger, abuse, and addictions, it may be important to you that your relational need
for security is consistently met in adulthood as well. Your basic attitude may be, It
felt good to have that need met then, and it still feels good now. This same principle holds true for each of the ten relational needs.
Exploring the relational strengths of our growing up experiences can provide
important insights.
Pause and Reflect: Share with a partner or enrichment group:
Drawing from your memories of childhood, consider the following questions:
1. What things did you like most about yourself when you were a child?
______________________________________________________
2. As you were growing up, how did your father demonstrate his love for you?
______________________________________________________
How did your mother demonstrate her love for you?
______________________________________________________
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3. When you were a child, how would:

your father praise you? ________________________________
your mother praise you? ________________________________
Pause and Reflect:
My need for ________________________ might relate to my growing up years
when my father __________________________________________________.
My need for ________________________ might relate to my growing up years
when my mother _________________________________________________.
Reflections on the relational need for comfort:
Comfort: Caringly responding to a hurting person through words, actions, emotional responses, and appropriate physical touch.
One of the most significant, but little understood, relational needs for close, healthy
families and friendships is the relational need for comfort. Life inevitably brings
hurts and disappointments, rejections and traumas, failures and criticisms; when
these things happen, we hurt!
When we are hurting, the key thing we need to experience is does anyone care?
Meeting the need for comfort is how we communicate to a hurting person, I
care!
Understanding Comfort
Situation: Your friend has just shared these feelings with you: I dont remember
hearing the words, I love you from my Dad. I remember wishing hed say them or even write
them in a card, but it never happened. I know he loved me, but I just needed to hear him say it.
What does your friend need?
COMFORT!
Here is what comfort is NOT:

Facts, Logic, Analysis: That probably happened to you because your Dad grew up during
very hard times. They just didnt say many I love yous in those days.
If your father didnt get a lot of affection from his father, he would have a hard time giving it to
you.
67
Criticism/Advice: If you wouldve been a little more outgoing, maybe your Dad might have
been more verbally affectionate with you.
Complaint: I know what you mean. You ought to hear what happened when I was a child.
Pep Talks: Oh, Im sure he didnt mean any harm. Besides, you said your mother gave you lots
of affection and attention.
Neglect: Lets talk about some more positive things.
Here is what COMFORT may sound like:
I feel sad for you when I think about you missing your Dads loving words.
It saddens me to know that you didnt hear I love you from your Dad.
Im so sorry that you werent able to hear those words from your Dad. I know that must have
hurt.
Non-verbal hugs, gentle touch, even genuine tears also covey meaningful
comfort.
The chart that follows highlights this important need:
4. NEEDS THAT WERE NOT EFFECTIVELY MET DURING

CHILDHOOD OFTEN BECOME HIGH-PRIORITY NEEDS.
In contrast to our previous section, if your family of origin provided little security
with much conflict, turmoil and rejections, you may have a more pronounced need
for security in adulthood. In this case, your attitude could be, I missed out on having this need met when I was growing up, so I really need it to be met abundantly
now.
This same principle can apply to any of the ten relational needs we have identified.
68
Giving Comfort to Others...Emotional Responding
69
Pause and Reflect:

Each of the Ten Relational Needs is listed in the following section. Spend the next
few minutes reflecting on this list. Read each definition and examples. Then consider: To what extent did your father, mother, or both consistently and abundantly (as opposed to occasionally or not at all) meet these needs during your growing
up years?
If your dad met this need, put a half circle ( in the blank beside that need. If your
mom met this need, put the other half circle ) in the blank beside the need. Thus
if both Mom and Dad met the need consistently and abundantly, you would end up
with a full circle () in the blank beside that need.
If someone besides your mom or dad met this need for you, write their name
beside the need.
If no one met this need for you, then place an X beside the need.
70
__Acceptance:
Receiving another person willingly and unconditionally, especially when the others behavior has been imperfect.
Looks like: Someone likes you even when they know you're
not perfect.
Sounds like: I love you even if you dont change.
__Affection:
Expressing care and closeness through appropriate physical

touch and saying I love you.
Looks like: Hugs, kisses, pats on the back, tickling.
Sounds like: You're really special. I love you.
__Appreciation:
Expressing thanks, praise or commendation. Recognizing

accomplishment or effort.
Looks like: Someone noticing your efforts, certificates or
written awards.
Sounds like: Wow, you did a great job!
__Approval:
Building up or affirming another; affirming both the fact of

and importance of a relationship
Looks like: Someone displays your picture, throws you a
party.
Sounds like: I'm proud of you. I'm glad you're my daughter.
__Attention:
Conveying appropriate interest, concern, and care; taking

thought of another; entering anothers world
Looks like: Someone does what you like to do, with you;
enters your world.
Sounds like: Tell me about your day. How did your test
go?
__Comfort:
Responding to a hurting person with words, feelings, and

touch; to hurt with and for anothers grief or pain.
Looks like: Someone putting their arm around you when
you're feeling down.
Sounds like: I'm sad for you. I hurt for you. I'm so sorry
that happened.
__Encouragement: Urging another to persist and persevere on his/her efforts to

attain a goal; and stimulating toward love and good deeds.
Looks like: A phone call just to let you know they are
thinking about you.
Sounds like: I know you can do it! You've got what it
takes. Just do your best.
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__Respect:
Valuing and regarding another highly; treating another as

important; honoring another.
Looks like: A sincere apology; asking before making plans
that involve other people; listening without interrupting;
appropriate tone of voice.
Sounds like: I'd like to hear your ideas. I was wrong.
Please forgive me.
__Security:
Harmony in relationships; free from fear or threat of harm.

Looks like: Not threatening to leave you; not harming you
in any way; setting appropriate limits and reasonably enforcing them; providing for needs; not losing temper at you;
being dependable; keeping promises.
Sounds like: I am here for you. I am committed to working this out.
__Support:
Coming alongside and gently helping with a problem or

struggle; providing appropriate assistance.
Looks like: Helping you with a big project. Teaching you
how.
Sounds like: Ill be glad to help you. Just let me know. Do
you need help with your homework?
Pause and Reflect:

Look back over your list of needs. Notice the needs by which youve placed an X or
only one half-circle. Write one or two of those needs here: ___________________
_________________________________________________________________
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During my growing up, I often missed receiving:

_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
(Or) During my growing up, I wish I had received more:
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
Example:
During my growing up, I often missed receiving attention from my Dad, I remember feeling like his work was more important to him than me.(Or) During my growing up, I wish I had received more support from my Mom. She was good about giving hugs and encouraging words, but I remember wishing for her help with school
assignments.
Pause and Reflect:
Share comfort with a partner or enrichment group:
Now, demonstrate that you care about each others sadness. Listen attentively to
each other and then share words of comfort. Words of comfort might begin with:
I feel sad to hear about...
I hurt for you that you missed...
It saddens me to know that you didnt receive...
I wish that you would have received more...
As your partner or group shares words of comfort, be sure to receive the words and
heart-felt care. Express your gratefulness for others comfort, Thank you for your
comforting words. or Thank you for caring.
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Gratitude for Love

Record the names of those who have met your needs in the past and those who are
currently meeting your ongoing needs. Then make concrete plans to express your
gratitude to these individuals through a phone call, letter, gift, or other appropriate
means.
Someone who gave to meet my needs when I grew up:
________________________________________________________________
How I am going to express my appreciation to him/her:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
Some friend in my life who has given to meet my needs:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
Some family member who has given to meet my needs:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
Finally, write a short message of gratefulness as you reflect on how your needs have
been provided for through other people.
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
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Living It Out
Understanding the High-Priority Needs of Others
Truly knowing the people in our lives better prepares us to love them well!
Write down the names of your spouse (if married), children (if applicable), close
relatives, and/or best friends, and list what you think their three most important
needs might be. Then ask these individuals for their input using the Needs
Assesment(pg. 59) and Relational Needs Questionnaire(pgs. 60-63).
Top Ten Needs:
Acceptance, Affection, Appreciation, Approval, Attention, Comfort,
Encouragement, Respect, Security, Support
(Name) __________________________________________________
My guess of what they need __________________________________
His/Her opinion ___________________________________________
Results of Questionnaire _____________________________________
(Name) __________________________________________________
His/Her opinion ___________________________________________
(Name) __________________________________________________
His/Her opinion ___________________________________________
(Name) __________________________________________________
His/Her opinion ___________________________________________
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Living It Out--With Children (Optional)

Review the list of relational needs below and focus on Giving First. Which needs
do each of your children, siblings, or others most enjoy receiving. Pick one need
for each of your children and take initiative to meet that need this week.
For example, if one of your child's top needs is:
acceptance . . . initiate words of welcome and reception - "I like you just the
way you are."
affection . . . initiate some tickling, pat on the back, kiss on the cheek, words of
endearment, a warm hug.
appreciation . . . notice a job well done - "Thank you for putting your dishes in
the dishwasher. You're very helpful."
approval . . . initiate a hug and say, Youre a great kid. I love you." for no apparent reason.
attention . . . initiate a time when you do what your child is interested in - play
video games, play football, go shopping, play dress up, etc.
comfort . . . initiate a hug and words of care, "I'm sad that this happened to you. I
know that must have hurt. "
encouragement . . . initiate words that are positive and uplifting - "I know you'll
do well during school tomorrow. You've made such good effort in your studies."
respect . . . initiate a conversation that invites your child to share their opinion and
ideas.
security . . .initiate words of reassurance - "I just want you to know that I'll be
available to help you when you need me."
support . . . initiate an offer of help - "I'd love to help you with your school project. Why don't we go to the library together?"
Try some of these Giving First ideas and plan to report on them in the group
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sharing times.
1. Consider your gratitude and then take a few moments to reflect on how those in
your group have helped to meet your relational needs. Share your responses with
your partner or small group. Then take turns meeting one anothers need for
appreciation by thanking one another for the ways in which you have met each
others relational needs:
It really meant a lot to me when you ___________________________________,
because that met my need for _____________________.
2. Reflect on your Living It Out experiences as you guessed the needs of

important others in your life, then engage them in discussion, possibly using the
Assessment (pg. 59) or Questionnaire (pgs. 60-63).
3. Reflect on your Living It Out time with your children, as appropriate (pg. 76).
4. Now consider how you might be more of a Giving First person as you share
with those nearest you. Reflect on the high-priority relational needs of your spouse,
children, family members, and friends that you identified earlier. Take time to complete the following sentences:
_____________ (spouse) could benefit from receiving more ________________

from me, particularly concerning ______________________________________.
Example: Teresa could benefit from receiving more attention from me, particularly
concerning my going on walks with her.
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_____________ (child) could benefit from receiving more __________________

_____________ (child) could benefit from receiving more __________________

Example: Luke could benefit from receiving more encouragement from me, particularly concerning his sports activities.
_____________ (friend) could benefit from receiving more _________________

_____________ (friend) could benefit from receiving more __________________

Example: Anthony could benefit from receiving more support from me, particularly concerning help with meals and cleaning our apartment.
Share your insights with your partner or small group, encouraging one another to
express love in action.
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Chapter 5
How Relational Needs
Impact Thoughts,
Feelings, and Behavior
ten-year-old boy named Billy was
having some behavioral problems at
school. Billy had never been in serious trouble before, but recently
he had begun distracting his classmates constantly. As discipline for
his bad behavior, Billy was required to stay in the classroom during lunch, with only
his teacher for company.
Billys mother took him to see a counselor, and after talking with him about his
school work and friends (to put him at ease), the counselor asked, When do you
feel most loved and cared for? The boys immediate response was, When my
teacher spends time with just me, during lunch. She is not getting paid for it.
It turned out that Billys father was out of town a lot, and his mother did not spend
much time with him either because she worked from 3:0011:00 p.m. The boy had
an unmet relational need for attention, so he did something about it. By acting up in
class, he was forced to stay in the classroom with his teacher. The result? Billy
received personal attention from someone whom he liked and respected.
This story clearly illustrates an important truth: the degree to which our relational
needs are met can have a profound effect on our thoughts, feelings, and behavior.
When our needs are met effectively, we can expect most often the following results:
Our thoughtsparticularly concerning ourselves and our value to God and
otherswill likely be healthy and beneficial.
We will likely experience positive emotions such as contentment, gratitude, and
peace.
We will likely find the freedom to exhibit mature, productive behaviors.
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In contrast, when our relational needs go unmet, we are likely to experience the
following consequences:
Our thoughtsparticularly concerning ourselves and our value to God and
otherswill likely be unhealthy and damaging.
We will likely experience negative emotions such as hurt, anger, and fear.
We may exhibit immature, destructive behaviors.
These contrasting sets of outcomes are summarized clearly and succinctly in what is
sometimes referred to as the needs principle:
When our relational needs are met, we feel loved and react accordingly.
When our relational needs go unmet, we feel unloved and react accordingly.
The diagram on the following page illustrates in more detail how relational needs
affect thinking, feelings, and behavior.
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The Potential and Pain of Relational Needs
The Potential
Positive
Feelings
Healthy
Thinking
Needs
Met
Attention
Affection
Appreciation
Comfort
I must be important!
I am really loved!
I can do it!
God cares for me!
Loved
Cared for
Secure
Grateful
Productive
Behaviors
Kindness
Giving to Others
Considerate
Pursuing Excellence
Positive
Outcomes
Healthy Family
Caring Relationships
Growing Faith
Maturing Character
& Personality
Relational Needs
Being Ignored
Disapproval
Rejection
Criticism
Needs
Unmet
I cant do it
I dont matter
Hurt
Ill try harder
Anger
Whats wrong with me?
Fear
Unhealthy Condemnation
Thinking
The Pain
Painful
Feelings
Perfectionism
Acting Out
Manipulative Games
Conflicted Family
Destructive Activities
Poor Character
Rebellion
Personality Disturbances
Problems in Living
Unproductive
Immaturity
Behaviors
Painful
Outcomes
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Let us look at two case studies as illustrations of the truth of the needs formula:
1. Dave has a ten-year-old son named Jeffrey. Although Dave is a busy executive,
every week he makes it a priority to spend time with his son. Instead of spending
this time doing adult things, they do kid stuff Dave often takes Jeffrey to the
video arcade, the playground, or his favorite fast food restaurant. Every child has
a need for attention, and Jeffreys father lovingly and consistently meets that need
for his son. As a result, Jeffrey will tend to experience the following:
Healthy Thinking: I must be important, because I am really loved. My father
truly cares for me.
Positive Emotions: I feel secure, confident, worthy, and grateful.
Productive Behaviors: Kindness, generosity, demonstrations of good character,
serving others.
Positive Outcomes: Obedience, loyalty, good self-image, ability to develop close
relationships, maturing personality.
Pause and Reflect:
Consider a recent example when a family member, friend, or group member met
one of your relational needs:
Recently (who)________________________ met my need for _______________
by ______________________________________________________________
What thoughts did you/do you have as you think about this? ________________
_________________________________________________________________
What feelings did you/do you have as you think about this? ________________
_________________________________________________________________
What behavior or actions were you/are you motivated to respond with?
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
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2. Sally and Bob have been married for fifteen years. In the early years of their
marriage, mutual affection, attention, and encouragement flowed freely through
open lines of communication, and there was a significant amount of romance in
their relationship. But with each passing year, their communication decreased until it
consisted of little more than, OK. We can talk about it later. I am too tired.
Instead of discussing intimate, vulnerable topics, they focused only on the mundane
and practical. Eventually, Bobs daily routine consisted of work, dinner, checking
emails, newspaper, TV, and sleep. Sallys needs were being neglected.
Sally first began expressing her hunger for attention, affection, and security through
subtle hints. When this tactic proved ineffective, she began making more explicit
demands. When that did not work either, she resorted to complaining and then cold
indifference. Finally she just gave upBob refused to meet her needs and she likewise tended to ignore his. By this time, the unfulfilling relationship had taken a significant emotional toll on both of them, and Sally became depressed. Her doctor
prescribed medication and suggested that she take a part-time job just to get out of
the house. Bob tended to spend even more time at work or with the guys.
Sally got a job working for a large insurance company. She enjoyed her work
because it made her feel needed and gave her a renewed sense of identity. One day,
while she was taking her coffee break, a divorced co-worker named Larry
approached her and said, Sally, you look a little sad today. Is something troubling
you? For the first time in years, Sally felt as if someone genuinely cared for her. So
she shared, from the depths of her heart, her loneliness, frustration, and despair.
During future coffee breaks, Sallys conversations with Larry became more and
more transparent. She told him more about her struggles with Bob, he recounted
the circumstances leading to his divorce, and they empathized with one another. As
the months passed, a seemingly innocent friendship became an emotional affair.
Sallys legitimate relational needs were now being met, but in the wrong way and by
the wrong person. Bob experienced his own set of painful results from lacking
closeness in his marriage, but analyzing Sallys responses will help highlight the pain
of unmet needs.
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When Bob failed to effectively give to Sallys relational needs, her thoughts, emotions, and behavior were all negatively affected:
Unhealthy Thinking: Whats wrong with me? I must be unimportant. I dont
matter. He doesnt care. Ill try harder. Nothing will ever change.
Negative Emotions: Bitterness, anxiety, insecurity, loneliness.
Destructive Behaviors: Denial, acting out, manipulative games, seeking for needs
to be met in illegitimate ways.
Painful Outcomes: Depression, angry outbursts, emotional shutdown, vulnerable
to bad choices
Pause and Reflect:
Recall again what relational needs you most missed or wished for more of as you
were growing up; then consider the following questions:
As I reflect on missing (need) _____________________________ as I grew up,
I may have ended up thinking _________________________________
And possibly feeling _________________________________________
And it may have related to my doing (what) _______________________
_________________________________________________________
WE ARE ALL MOTIVATED
BY
NEEDS
Sallys painful story reveals two important, interrelated truths: First, we are all
strongly motivated to have our relational needs met but we tend to often try taking from others rather than giving. Second, given our tendency to take from
others, we may very well be tempted to seek to have needs met in invalid, innapropriate, and hurtful ways. Our needs can exert such a strong pull on us that we may
gravitate toward those who will meet them, even if it requires that we compromise
our convictions.
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Consider the following examples:

Searching for approval, a teenager may make moral compromises.
Driven by a need for respect, a businessperson may become a workaholic, hurting
his family while seeking to support them.
Desperate for attention, a child may act inappropriately at home or school.
In a desire for comfort, a person might over-eat, overspend, or become a heavy
smoker, or otherwise addicted.
Longing for acceptance, a lonely teen might become involved in a gang of rebellious youth.
This last point seems very important related to todays youth. As members of a
gang, young people gain a strong sense of identity and feel accepted, approved of,
secure, and perhaps even appreciated. Thus, gangs, in spite of their destructive and
harmful activities, can flourish when they meet the unmet relational needs of young
people today.
Pause and Reflect:
Recall events over the past few days, giving particular attention to a time when one
of your relational needs went unmet-you were disappointed, disrespected, ignored,
criticized, etc.
Recently, I was needing ________________________________ and when the
need went unmet I responded in an unhelpful way by ______________________
________________________________________________________________.
Example: Recently, I was needing encouragement from a family member during a
difficult time and when the need went unmet-receiving instead advice on what additionally I could do-I responded in an unhelpful way by harsh words and a rejecting
attitude the rest of the day.
Understanding this connection between unmet needs and unproductive/unhelpful
behaviors is an important key to enriching our lives and relationships.
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Further Exploring our Emotional Capacity

In our study of Relational Needs impacting our thinking, feeling and behaviors,
specific added emphasis is needed in better understanding our feelings-or emotions.
Imagine needing attention-and you are ignored, or needing approval-and you are
criticized.
Imagine experiencing emotional:
HURT
ANGER
FEAR
GUILT
CONDEMNATION
/SHAME
A sense of sadness, rejection

then maybe...
Toward the person who ignored or criticized you
then, maybe...
Of ever trusting this person again
then, maybe...
For your unkind words, angry outburst or
rejection of the one who hurt you
then, maybe...
That you are a terrible person, its all your fault,
you deserved to be ignored and criticized
Now consider that over our lifetime countless disappointments and hurts, rejections
and criticisms will occur, but where does all the painful emotion go? If painful
emotions are not healed, they accumulate. Filling our hearts to overflowing. The
emotional capacity picture on the next page is a concept of how unhealed emotional pain can fill our hearts to overflowing, producing many painful symptoms.
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87
Pause and Reflect:

A common painful emotion I might experience would be:
Hurt Anger Fear Guilt Condemnation
Particularly when ________________________________________.
Example: A common painful emotion I might experience would be
condemnation. Particularly when I am not successful in completing all my things
to do for the day.
When my emotions get full, a symptom I might have would be:
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________.
Example: When my emotions get full, a symptom I might have would be
anger at myself, moodiness, and lack of sleep.
Important to healthy relationships will be learning and applying the relational principles of healing painful emotions. Which brings two tremendous blessings:
First, we have more capacity or room in our hearts for positive emotions like love,
joy, gratitude and hope!
Secondly, some of our unhelpful symptoms begin to go away, being replaced by
more positive expressions of love and care.
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Gratitude for Love

Consider again the five painful emotions considered earlier. Hurt, anger, fear,
guilt and condemnation/shame. Then reflect on how you have experienced freedom and healing in times past from each of these:
Hurt is healed with comfort! When you are hurting, the one thing you want to
know is Does anyone care? When a trusted friend or family member emotionally responds (see Chapter 4, page 70) with loving comfort in some important way,
our hurt is lessened.
Pause and Reflect:
I remember being comforted recently by (who) __________________________
when I was hurting about (what)_____________________________________
(Possibly, recall the comfort you received during this course by your partner/enrichment group members).
Example: I remember being comforted recently by my wife when I was hurting
about my brothers illness.
Might our hearts be stirred with gratitude that someone

cares!
Anger is healed with forgiveness! When you turn loose of your bitterness,
refusing to retaliate, your heart is free to love again.
Pause and Reflect:
I remember being angry about (what)_________________________________
and choosing to forgive, resulting in (what positive emotions?) ______________
_______________________________________________________________
Example: I remember being angry about harsh words spoken and choosing to
forgive, resulting in more peace and joy.
Might our hearts be stirred with gratitude for the freedom

of forgiveness!
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Guilt is healed with confession/apology. When weve been wrong, done wrong,
said wrong things, our heart is troubled and tormented...until in humility we admit
our wrong: It was wrong of me to __________________________________.
I reget that _____________________________________________________.
Pause and Reflect:
I remember the peace/freedom I experienced when I apologized to __________
For ____________________________________________________________.
Example: I remember the peace/freedom I experienced when I apologized to my
friend for talking behind her back.
Might our hearts be stirred with gratitude for the cleansingfreedom of confession!
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Living It Out
Identifying the Connections between Unproductive Behaviors and
Unmet Needs
Write down the names of people you know (family members, co-workers, neighbors, friends), list some of their behavior problems, and try to establish a link
between these behaviors and their possible unmet needs.
1. Name: _______________________________________________________
Unproductive behavior: _____________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
Neglected needs possibly related to this behavior: _________________________
________________________________________________________________
My Giving First plan to help meet this need: ___________________________
________________________________________________________________
2. Name: _______________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
3. Name: _______________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
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1. Take turns sharing from the feeling faces below at least one positive emotion and one
painful emotion you have experienced recently:
Recently I felt (what) ____________________when ____________________________.
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2. Better identifying hurt, anger, fear, guilt and condemnation

Stop and consider the following list of 30 painful or difficult emotions:
Disappointed
Frightened
Nervous
Insecure
Rejected
Regretful
Mad
Embarrassed
Convicted
Disgusted
Resentful
Confused
Frustrated
Remorseful
Sorrowful
Jealous
Discouraged
Depressed
Scared
Sad
Lonely
Worthless
Hopeless
Afraid
Ashamed
Anxious
Worried
Apologetic
Bitter
Enraged
In many ways, these feelings are simply different forms of five basic or primary
emotions: hurt, anger, fear, guilt, and condemnation. How might you categorize
the emotions in this list?
Beside each of the five emotions below, list the feelings from the above list
which you sense could be grouped with that emotion. See if this grouping
might simplify your understanding of and ability to identify your own feelings.
Then, as time allows, share with a partner or your enrichment group, personal
reflections on any of these recently experienced.
1. Hurt:
_______________ _______________ _______________

_______________ _______________ _______________
Recently I felt ____________________ when ________________________
______________________________________________________________.
2. Anger:
_______________ _______________ _______________

_______________ _______________ _______________
______________________________________________________________.
3. Fear:
_______________ _______________ _______________

_______________ _______________ _______________
______________________________________________________________.
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4. Guilt:
_______________ _______________ ______________

_______________ _______________ ______________
Recently I felt ____________________ when _______________________
_____________________________________________________________.
5. Condemnation: ______________ ______________ _____________
______________ ______________ _____________
Recently I felt ____________________ when _______________________
_____________________________________________________________.
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Assessment of Needs Met or Unmet by Childhood Caregivers

When you were a child, you had relational needs. Consider for a moment how well
your biological parents met your relational needs in your early years, from birth up
to about age twelve. As you consider the definitions of each need (Ch. 4, pg. 59) ask
yourself, Did my mother meet this need adequately, lovingly, and consistently?
Can you describe specific memories related to each need? If so, mark the appropriate box below with an O to indicate met or fulfilled. Next, ask yourself the same
question about your father. If you are unable to think of specific examples of this
need being met, mark the box with an X to indicate unmet. Be truthful about
your perceptions and feelings. At the same time, recognize that your parents could
have sincerely loved you while still inadvertently neglecting your relational needs.
The aim of this exercise is simply to identify unmet needs, not to cast blame.
NEED
Mother
Father
Acceptance
_______
_______
Affection
_______
_______
Appreciation
_______
_______
Approval
_______
_______
Attention
_______
_______
Comfort
_______
_______
Encouragement
_______
_______
Respect
_______
_______
Security
_______
_______
Support
_______
_______
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Chapter 6
Giving to Meet the
Needs of Others
n ancient tale tells of a king who
asked a wise man to advise him on
how to have the most satisfying life
possible. The wise man answered him, First I will show you a completely miserable life. He took him to a house where people were sitting around a
large, round table, grumbling and complaining. On the table stood a bowl of delicious soup. Each person had a spoon, but the handle was longer than a persons
arm. Thus, the people could dip the soup from the bowl, but could not bring it to
their mouths.
Now, said the wise man, leading the king across the street, I will show you a truly
satisfied life. Looking into the second house, the king could again see a large table
with a bowl of delicious soup in the center of it. But here, the people were well
nourished, joyful, and talking among themselves. They, too, had long-handled
spoons, but had apparently overcome the problem. The king was confused by what
he saw. The wise man explained, These people have learned to feed each other.
According to this tale, the most satisfied people were flourishing in an atmosphere
marked by both giving and receiving. This story reveals a fundamental truth about
healthy relationships: selfishly taking in order to get needs met never satisfies.
Only gracious giving and receiving satisfies our needs. We were made in such a way
that we cannot feed ourselves relationally and be satisfied; we cannot meet our
own needs and be fulfilled. Theres plenty of food at the table, but we must look
not only to our own interests, but also to the needs of others.
The next time you need affection, first try hugging yourself- wrap your arms
around your neck and squeeze. Not very satisfying, is it? Then try taking a hugwalk up to a family member or friend, grab him around the neck and take. It still
doesnt feel right. But when a loved one or friend takes initiative to pursue you,
speaks affirming words to you and generously gives you a hug, youre genuinely satisfied.
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The next time youre hurt, disappointed, embarrassed, or feeling rejected, try comforting yourself. Speak gentle words of comfort to yourself, accompanied by caring
touch. Sounds foolish doesnt it? Demanding that others comfort you will also
leave you frustrated and unfulfilled.
The principle is simple but profound. Fulfillment in life does not come primarily
from what we acquire, accomplish, or achieve, but through abundant, enriched relationships through mutual giving and receiving; and this whole system of giving and
receiving is energized by gratefulness.
What are some important needs in your life right now? Support? Attention?
Appreciation? First, acknowledge these needs, then share your needs with a friend
or loved one, trusting that your needs will be met. Finally, begin to generously give
to meet these needs in other peoples lives.
Like the ancient tale, everything we need is available, but the only utensils available
are longer than our arms. The wrong approach is to try to feed ourselves, in which
case we may get angry and frustrated and become starved. Or, we can begin to give
to others and graciously receive from them, thereby experiencing contentment and
fulfillment.
DEVELOPING
GIVING
FIRST HEART
In this chapter were going to focus on meeting other peoples needs as we more
deeply develop a Giving First heart.
As we have often listed ten of our key relational needs, we might immediately
think, Which of these are my most important needs and how are they being met?
-a legitimate question. But just as importantly, we need to see these needs as the
opportunity to experience the blessing of giving to others. How well are we
expressing an attitude of Giving First?
Practical Ways to Meet Other Peoples Needs
Key to becoming a Giving First person is to focus unselfishly on knowing the
needs of others. As we get to know people on a deeper level, we discover specific
ways that we can meet their needs.
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For instance:
I have learned that my wife likes for me to help the kids with their homework.
(support)
My oldest son really wants me to knock on his bedroom door before I enter.
(respect)
My wife really likes it when I express how much she means to me in front of
family and friends. (affection)
My daughter loves it when I celebrate how well she plays the piano.
(appreciation)
Searching for approval, a teenager may make moral compromises.
My friend enjoys it when I make a priority of times to talk and listen.
(attention)
Pause and Reflect:
I have come to know that (who) _______________________________feels very
cared about when I (what) ____________________________________(which
need is this?) ______________________
Throughout this chapter we will explore practical ways we can give to others in
order to meet each relational need. After reading each group of statements, rate
yourself relative to how sensitive you are in meeting other peoples needs. Instead
of thinking of one particular person as youre reading the statements, think in general terms. How well do you typically meet these needs for others? (We may be
very good at meeting a particular need in our spouses life but neglect meeting this
same need in our friends. Or, we may be good at meeting a particular need in our
childrens lives but neglect those at work).
Instructions: Using the scale indicated below, put a number (1,2,3,4,5) on each line
that best represents how consistent you think you are in giving to meet other peoples needs.
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Rate yourself on giving ACCEPTANCE

Not True
Somewhat True Sometimes
Very True
2
3
4
Acceptance (receiving others willingly and unconditionally)
Exceptionally True
5
____ I go out of my way to welcome those whose physical appearance, lifestyle,

and/or beliefs differ from my own.
____ When I am in a group of people, I try to spot those who seem to be uneasy
or alone and take steps to help them feel welcome.
____ I generally look beyond peoples faults and give to their needs.
____ I accept people not only when they are up, but also when they are down.
____ When others blow it, mess up, or offend me, I am quick to forgive them.
Total for Acceptance ____
Celebrate An Area of Strength (consider your highest score from above)
Concerning meeting the need of acceptance, I typically do a good job of
____________________________________________________________.
(feel free to share a recent example as appropriate)
Pause and Reflect:
Take turns sharing and celebrate together as you rejoice in acceptance, one aspect of
Giving First.
Examples:
Im glad to know that about you.
Ive experienced that from you!
I know people are blessed as you care for them in this way.
Encourage one another in a growth area of Giving First (consider your lowest score from above)
I could do a better job meeting the need of acceptance by
____________________________________________________________.
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Pause and Reflect:

Take turns sharing vulnerably and encourage one another in acceptance..
Examples:
Ill look forward to hearing about your improvement.
Im sure your self-awareness will bring growth in you!
Ill be excited to celebrate your growth in this area.
Rate yourself on giving AFFECTION
Not True
Very True
Exceptionally True
2
3
4
5
Affection (expressing care and closeness through physical touch and through
words such as I love you or I care about you.)
____ I generously offer appropriate physical gestures of love and tenderness (hand
shake, hug, embrace, kiss).
____ I tell people, I love you or, I care for you.
____ I welcome people by offering warm greetings and expressions of care.
____ I vulnerably share my heart with others and tell them that they are very
important to me.
____ I strive to be aware of the ways in which others prefer to receive affection.
Total for Affection ____
Concerning meeting the need of affection, I typically do a good job of
____________________________________________________________.
Pause and Reflect:
Take turns sharing and celebrate together as you rejoice in affection, one aspect of
Giving First.
Examples:
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I could do a better job meeting the need of affection by
____________________________________________________________.
Pause and Reflect:
Take turns sharing vulnerably and encourage one another in affection..
Examples:
Rate yourself on giving APPRECIATION
Not True
Very True
Exceptionally True
2
3
4
5
Appreciation (expressing thanks, praise, or commendation, particularly in recognition of someones accomplishments or efforts; appreciation has a specific focus
on what a person does)
____ I commend others for doing well or putting forth effort.
____ I write notes thanking others for what they do for me.
____ I take note of special times in peoples lives when they should be commended.
____ I focus on what people do right, rather than on what they do wrong.
____ I strive to be aware of the ways in which others prefer to receive appreciation
(public or private, written or verbal, and so on).
Total for Appreciation ____
Concerning meeting the need of appreciation, I typically do a good job of
____________________________________________________________.
101
Pause and Reflect:

Take turns sharing and celebrate together as you rejoice in appreciation, one aspect
of Giving First.
Examples:
I could do a better job meeting the need of appreciation by
____________________________________________________________.
Pause and Reflect:
Take turns sharing vulnerably and encourage one another in appreciation.
Examples:
Rate yourself on giving APPROVAL
Not True
1

2
Very True
4
Exceptionally True
5
Approval (building up or affirming another person, particularly for who they are
(as opposed to what they do). It is also met by affirming both the fact and the
importance of our relationship with another person.)
____ I am careful to affirm those for whom I have particular responsibility (chilren, parents, friends, co-workers) when they have done well, focusing specifically on the positive character qualities(diligence, sensitivity, honesty) that contributed to them doing well.
____ I look beyond a persons activities and performance and caringly affirm their
character, heart, and maturity.
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____ I am quick to commend people when they have done something that is good
and honorable.
____ As I view other people, I am able to separate who they are (valuable, important
and significant)from what they do (sometimes good, sometimes bad).
____ I go out of my way to tell others how blessed I am to be in relationship with
them (husband, wife, friend, father, mother, son, daughter).
Total for Approval ____
Concerning meeting the need of approval, I typically do a good job of
____________________________________________________________.
Pause and Reflect:
Take turns sharing and celebrate together as you rejoice in approval, one aspect of
Giving First.
Examples:
I could do a better job meeting the need of approval by
____________________________________________________________.
Pause and Reflect:
Take turns sharing vulnerably and encourage one another in approval.
Examples:
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Rate yourself on giving ATTENTION

Not True
1

2
Very True
4
Exceptionally True
5
Attention (conveying appropriate interest, concern, and care. It requires us to take

notice of others, listen to them, and make an effort to enter into their respective
worlds.)
____ I spend time with others in order to learn about their struggles, joys, and dreams.
____ I try to enter into other peoples physical worlds by visiting their homes,
schools, and/or places of work.
____ I try to enter into other peoples emotional worlds by discerning their
emotional states, seeking understanding, and empathizing with them.
____ I am a good listenerI maintain good eye contact, seek to listen carefully
before I respond, and offer constructive feedback when appropriate.
____ I spend time doing what others enjoy doing, rather than insisting that we do
what I want to do.
Total for Attention ____
Concerning meeting the need of attention, I typically do a good job of
____________________________________________________________.
Pause and Reflect:
Take turns sharing and celebrate together as you rejoice in attention, one aspect of
Giving First.
Examples:
104
I could do a better job meeting the need of attention by
____________________________________________________________.
Pause and Reflect:
Take turns sharing vulnerably and encourage one another in attention.
Examples:
Rate yourself on giving COMFORT
Not True
1

2
Very True
4
Exceptionally True
5
Comfort (caringly responding to a hurting person through words, actions, emotional responses, and physical touch. Meeting this need requires us to truly hurt with
and for another person in the midst of their grief or pain.)
____ I notice when others are hurting, anxious, frustrated, or emotionally down.
____ I have compassion for others and seek to enter into their emotional pain.
____ I communicate my care and concern for others through affirming words.
____ I respond to hurting people with gentle touch when appropriate.
____ When people are hurting, I express my feelings of sadness and hurt for them
instead of giving them advice or exhortation.
Total for Comfort ____
Concerning meeting the need of comfort, I typically do a good job of
____________________________________________________________.
105
Pause and Reflect:

Take turns sharing and celebrate together as you rejoice in comfort, one aspect of
Giving First.
Examples:
I could do a better job meeting the need of comfort by
____________________________________________________________.
Pause and Reflect:
Take turns sharing vulnerably and encourage one another in comfort.
Examples:
Rate yourself on giving ENCOURAGEMENT
Not True
1

2
Very True
Exceptionally True
Encouragement (urging others to persist and persevere in their efforts to attain

their goals, and by stimulating them toward love and good deeds.)
____ I try to anticipate times and situations in which people may be discouraged so
that I can encourage them.
____ I go out of my way to call, write, or visit those who are discouraged,
disappointed, or struggling.
____ I encourage others to develop a positive vision and realistic goals and then
support them in their journey.
106
____ I say to others, Do your best. It will be good enough.

____ I express to others that I have hope for good things in their future.
Total for Encouragement ____
Concerning meeting the need of encouragement, I typically do a good job of
____________________________________________________________.
Pause and Reflect:
Take turns sharing and celebrate together as you rejoice in encouragement, one
aspect of Giving First.
Examples:
I could do a better job meeting the need of encouragement by
____________________________________________________________.
Pause and Reflect:
Take turns sharing vulnerably and encourage one another in encouragement.
Examples:
107
Rate yourself on giving RESPECT

Not True
1

2
Very True
4
Exceptionally True
5
Respect (valuing one another highly, treating one another as important, and honoring one another with our words and actions.)
____ Before making a decision, I solicit input from those whose lives will be
impacted by the decision.
____ I have regard for others peoples ideas, opinions, and perspectives, even when
they differ from my own.
____ I respect other peoples personal property and privacy.
____ I treat everyone with dignity and courtesy regardless of their race, lifestyle, or
socio-economic status.
____ I am careful to be on time to appointments and meetings.
Total for Respect ____
Concerning meeting the need of respect, I typically do a good job of
____________________________________________________________.
Pause and Reflect:
Take turns sharing and celebrate together as you rejoice in respect, one aspect of
Giving First.
Examples:
I could do a better job meeting the need of respect by
____________________________________________________________.
108
Pause and Reflect:

Take turns sharing vulnerably and encourage one another in respect.
Examples:
Rate yourself on giving SECURITY
Not True
1

2
Very True
4
Exceptionally True
5
Security (establishing and maintaining harmony in relationships and providing

freedom from fear or threat of harm. This process involves mutual expressions of
vulnerability, the deepening of trust, and the successful resolution of conflict.)
____ Those whom I am closest to never have to wonder about where our relationship stands. I am open and transparent in sharing my heart, care and concern.
____ I proactively attempt to maintain health in all my relationships. If a
relationship is strained, I try to reconcile it quickly.
____ I am even-tempered and not prone to moodiness or outbursts of anger; there
is consistency in how I relate to people.
____ I make decisions based on the well-being of those I love and care for, not just
my own well-being.
____ I am self controlled. Others around me dont fear outbursts of accusations,
criticism or impulsive decisions from me.
Total for Security ____
Concerning meeting the need of security, I typically do a good job of
____________________________________________________________.
109
Pause and Reflect:

Take turns sharing and celebrate together as you rejoice in security, one aspect of
Giving First.
Examples:
I could do a better job meeting the need of security by
____________________________________________________________.
Pause and Reflect:
Take turns sharing vulnerably and encourage one another in security.
Examples:
Rate yourself on giving SUPPORT
Not True
1

2
Very True
4
Exceptionally True
5
Support (coming alongside others and providing gentle, appropriate assistance

with a problem or struggle.)
____ I often get involved in practically helping someone in their time of need.
____ Before I just start giving support, I ask others how I could best help.
____ I attend weddings, funerals, concerts, sports activities, and family events as a
way of demonstrating my love for others.
____ I use my personal resources to help support others.
____ I willingly defer my plans and schedule in order to be available to help others.
Total for Support ____
110

Concerning meeting the need of support, I typically do a good job of
____________________________________________________________.
Pause and Reflect:
Take turns sharing and celebrate together as you rejoice in support, one aspect of
Giving First.
Examples:
I could do a better job meeting the need of support by
____________________________________________________________.
Pause and Reflect:
Take turns sharing vulnerably and encourage one another in support.
Examples:
111
TRANSFORMED
INTO BECOMING A
GIVING
FIRST PERSON
Our life journey is a walk of transformation-becoming more and more a person of

humility, integrity, and genuineness; a person of compassion and care, a person who
initiates Giving First to others.
Pause and Consider some areas that need transformation in your life. Review
your reflections on the statements related to each of the Ten Relational Needs.
List below one of the statements you scored lowest on related to each need:
Concerning Acceptance, I could possibly benefit from ____________________
________________________________________________________________.
Concerning Affection, I could possibly benefit from ______________________
________________________________________________________________.
Concerning Appreciation, I could possibly benefit from __________________
________________________________________________________________.
Concerning Approval, I could possibly benefit from ______________________
________________________________________________________________.
Concerning Attention, I could possibly benefit from _____________________
________________________________________________________________.
Concerning Comfort, I could possibly benefit from ______________________
________________________________________________________________.
Concerning Encouragement, I could possibly benefit from ________________
________________________________________________________________.
Concerning Respect, I could possibly benefit from ______________________
________________________________________________________________.
Concerning Security, I could possibly benefit from ______________________
________________________________________________________________.
Concerning Support, I could possibly benefit from _______________________
________________________________________________________________.
112
Gratitude for Love

Consider again your total scores on each of the Ten Relational Needs in this chapter. On which two (2) Relational Needs did you score the lowest? Write them
below to identify each as a commitment to become more of this type of a person:
I want to be a person who gives more (a need) _____________________ especially
to (who) _________________, and gives more (a need) _________________ ,
especially to (who) ________________________.
Pause and Reflect: with a partner or small group
Take turns sharing your responses, celebrating your desire to grow and offering
encouragement.
As you have received, gratefully give!
Recalling that gratitude for having received others care and love can prompt and
empower our giving to others. Consider again the two needs above and pause quietly to recall a time when each was met in your life:
I recall receiving (which need) ______________________ from (who) _______
_________________________ when _________________________________.
I recall receiving (which need) ______________________ from (who) _______
_________________________ when _________________________________.
Pause and Reflect:
Share with one another the above memories but now in the form of grateful statements.
Im grateful as I recall (who) ___________________ meeting my need for (which
need) ______________________________ when ________________________
________________________________________________________________.
113
Celebrate together and then discuss:

How could you show or communicate your gratitude to each of these two people?
Email, a note, phone call, a personal visit?
I look forward to communicating my gratefulness to (who) _________________
by ______________________________________________________________.
Pause and Reflect:

Look at the two (2) needs you scored lowest on and identified previously (page 114).
Make an action plan to address each of these needs. (Make your plans as specific as
possible, focusing on specific people to be completed in the next few weeks.) You
can use ideas from the statements for each need on pages 113.
Concerning (which need) __________________, I will plan to ______________
________________________________________________________________.
Concerning (which need) __________________, I will plan to ______________
________________________________________________________________.
As each person shares, celebrate the openness to grow and plan to encourage one
another in this Giving First journey!
114
Living It Out
Critical to a Giving First lifestyle empowered by gratitude is the healing of
painful emotions! You can not be angry and affectionate at the same time! Your
own unhealed hurt will hinder your giving comfort to others. As we heal or
empty our emotional cup of painful emotions we have more capacity for gratitude, hope, joy, and love which help prompt our Giving First.
Consider again the five painful emotions considered in chapter 5:
Hurt, Anger, Fear, Guilt, and Condemnation/Shame.
Then recall:
Hurt is healed with comfort.
Anger is healed with forgiveness.
Guilt is healed with confession/apology.
Pause and Reflect:
Give opportunity to quietly consider any needed additional freedom in your emotions. Vulnerable sharing:
I sense needed additional comfort concerning (share discreetly your hurt)
________________________________________________________________.
Im committed to additional forgiveness concerning (share discreetly your anger)
________________________________________________________________.
Im committed to apologizing concerning (share discreetly your guilt)
________________________________________________________________.
As each shares, be sensitive to offer comfort, encouragement and support.
(Remember how important your confidentiality is in meeting the security need of
your partner/small group).
115
Now lets consider the remaining two painful emotions of Fear and
Condemnation.
Fear is healed with Reassuring Love. When you are worried, anxious, or fearful,
its related to concerns about the future! (i.e. you dont fear the past).
Realizing that fears dealt with alone actually get worse, its imperative to share
them in a close, secure relationship:
Vulnerability With Fears:
I sometimes find myself worried/anxious/fearful about ___________________
________________________________________________________________.
And then to receive...Reassuring Care:
Whatever the future brings, Im going to be here to go through it with you.
If youre wondering about my commitment, you dont need to. Regardless of the
outcome, Im here for you.
You can count on my friendship and encouragement.
Pause and Reflect:
Take turns being Vulnerable with one of your fears using the sentence above, then
share Reassuring Care.
Condemnation/Shame is healed with Truth and Gratitude.
Recall that condemnation is related to emotions like feeling ashamed, embarrassed,
worthless, inadequate, and similar emotions which attack who we are, our identity,
worth, and adequacy. We might have thoughts/feelings like, Im a terrible person,
I cant do anything right. You deserve to be ignored/rejected/criticized and similar self-attacking responses.
116
Realizing that each condemning message contains an important lie, it needs to be

addressed with the truth:
Im a terrible person needs the truth that, I may have done wrong, but I do
many right things and my heart is wanting to do right.
I cant do anything right needs the truth that, I may not be able to do this right
now, but I do many things right.
You deserve to be ignored/rejected/criticized needs the truth that, I may have
been ignored/rejected/criticized and it hurts a lot, but people who love me would
want me to be cared for and loved.
Pause and Reflect:
We often struggle to even see or believe the truth about us during our battle with
condemnation. We need caring truth shared with us by others who know and love
us. This challenges us to gratefully receive the truth they shared.
Vulnerability With Condemning Thoughts/Feelings:
I sometimes struggle with telling myself ______________________________
________________________________________________________________.
Partner/Small Group shares caring truth:
You may at times _________________________________, but you ________
_________________________________ and I _________________________.
Now respond in gratitude:
Thanks for believing in me.
117
Im grateful for your seeing the best in me.
1. Take turns sharing from your Gratitude for Love section:

Vulnerable Sharing:
From this chapter inventory, I want to be a person who gives more ___________
especially toward ___________________________________.
Celebrate Together:
Since our last time together I have been able to better demonstrate (which need)
_________________________ to (who) _____________________________
by ____________________________________________________________.
Expressions of Gratitude:
I was able to recall receiving (which need) ______________________ from
(who) _______________________ when _____________________________
and I expressed my gratitude since we were last together by _______________
______________________________________________________________.
2. Take turns sharing from the Living It Out section with a specific focus on Hurt,
Anger, and Guilt followed by overcoming fear and finding freedom from condemnation.
Celebrate Together:
Review your reflections on Hurt, Anger, and Guilt and update your group on
recent freedom you may have experienced.
Ive received additional comfort for my hurt concerning _______________
______________________________________________________________.
(i.e. Ive received additional comfort for my hurt concerning losing my job in a
very hurtful way.)
118
Ive experienced additional forgiveness of my anger about ______________

______________________________________________________________.
(i.e. Ive experienced additional forgiveness of my anger about how I was mistreated by a co-worker.)
Ive offered confession/apology related to my guilt about _______________
_______________________________________________________________.
(i.e. Ive offered confession/apology related to my guilt about saying hurtful
things in anger to my mother/spouse.)
Take turns sharing, with appropriate discretion and allow others to celebrate with
you in your additional freedom.
Additional Sharing:
Vulnerable Sharing of Fears & Offering Reassuring Care:
Consider sharing common struggles with fear, anxiety, worry, as you take turns sharing your reflections from page 116, offering one another words of reassuring care.
Vulnerable Sharing of Condemning & Offering Caring Truth:
Consider sharing common struggles with condemning thoughts and feelings as you
take turns sharing your reflections from page 117, offering one another words of
caring truth.
119
Chapter 7
Challenges to a Giving
First Lifestyle
aving explored the foundational principles of our relational neediness, were confronted with the challenge of our interdependency.
We simply cannot meet many relational needs in a self-reliant manner like a person alone on an island. We have been created with the
need for close relationships, with God, and in families, marriages, friendships and
communities. Additionally, in our relational interdependency, selfish-taking is not
the solution to healthy, mature relationships. Taking from others their attention,
appreciation, or affection is both painful for others and unsatisfying for ourselves.
Therefore the principle of Giving First has been introduced to describe an important aspect of healthy relationships:
k
Healthy Marriages have both husband and wife Giving First to one another.
Healthy Families have mutually giving parents Giving First to the needs of
their children.
Healthy Friendships involve two people, each Giving First to one another.
Healthy Teams/Communities have many Giving First members.
In this chapter we will explore three of the most common challenges to our maintaining a Giving First lifestyle.
Pause and Reflect:
Take turns sharing about a recent time when you have Given First to someone:
Recently I was able to give to (who) _______________________by (what) ____
________________________________________________________________.
As each person shares, celebrate together in this journey of becoming a Giving
First person.
120
As we come to grips with the challenge to Give First, three important issues
often rise to the surface.
One issue is this: Is it possible for someone to be ttoo needy? Is it possible that
someone could have needs that are so great that they cant be satisfied?
Another issue is: Is it possible to be ttoo giving, even to the point of becoming
bburned out?
Sometimes these two issues are related: one person is becoming burned out or
exhausted trying to meet the needs of someone who is very difficult to satisfy!
A third issue concerning Giving First relates to whether it is simply another
obligation to be done or whether it should be a lifestyle to which we strive.
This chapter will explore whats going on in these situations and offer suggestions
for what to do in response.
LETS CONSIDER
THE
TOO NEEDY PERSON
We often hear questions like this: I know people who seem to be so needy that
they can never be satisfied. Its like this person has too many needs, or the needs
are too intense! How do you relate to someone like that? Im frustrated and worn
out trying to meet their needs.
We have all probably felt this way from time to time. Others may have felt this
way about us!
There is no one in this world that is too needy to satisfy. We all have needs, but no
one is so needy that their needs cannot be met.
121
Challenges to a Giving FirstLifestyle
Why do some people seem to be insatiable, as if no matter what

we do, it will never be enough to satisfy their needs? And what
can be done to help?
1. Perhaps what this person is longing for is not a legitimate need.
For example, we have a genuine, need for security, but if we equate financial prosperity with security, we may inappropriately think that unless we become wealthy we
wont be secure. This will create an insatiable appetite for physical things, making us
crave more stuff or a larger bank balance.
It might be helpful to share the Top Ten Relational Needs, explaining what these
needs are and that it is necessary to differentiate between these legitimate needs in
contrast to our mere wants. I may want to be wealthy but maybe my need is for
security that a few people in my life will always be there for me.
Reflections: (i.e, is there someone in your life that might be confusing wants
with true relational needs?)_________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
2. Perhaps we are not giving the correct relational need.

We may be missing the target. For example, we may interpret someones acting out
behavior as a need for attention so we spend a lot of time trying to meet that need.
But underneath the behavior may be a significant need for approval- a need to be
affirmed.
If this is the case, it would be helpful to explore what the persons most important
needs are (using the Needs Questionnaire in chapter 4) and then strive to meet the
priority needs.
Reflections: (i.e., does someone come to mind whose target we seem to be missing?)
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
122
3. This person may be taking from others in order to have their

needs met, which will never satisfy.
Our relational needs can never be met by selfish taking from others. For example,
we can demand that someone give us attention, but even if they do, our need for
attention will not be satisfied because we had to take it. There is nothing wrong with
lovingly communicating with others what our particular needs are, but if we manipulate, control or take we will not be satisfied.
It may be important to startle this person with Giving First care, before they
seek to take it! In this way, our loving initiative can help bring freedom from fear
that unless needs are taken they wont be met.
Reflections: (i.e., does someone come to mind who seems to be taking?)
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
4. This person may not be receiving what Is being given.

As previously mentioned, our needs cannot be met by taking, only by receiving, but
sometimes even though someone wants to give to us, we do not receive.
For example, its possible for someone to offer comfort to us, but in our selfreliance we may say, Im ok, I dont need that. Or someone may praise us and
give us appreciation but out of fearful self-condemnation we may think to ourselves,
He probably doesnt mean it; Im probably not worthy of it anyway.
Furthermore, to receive maximum benefit from what people give us, we must
choose to receive, with grateful hearts (saying, Thanks for caring can help us
receive). If we reject what others are giving, well not be fully satisfied. This is the
importance of seeing freedom from condemnation as addressed in the previous
chapters.
Reflections: (i.e., does someone come to mind who struggles to receive?)
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
123
Pause and Reflect:

Take turns sharing about a recent time when you were given to by someone in
your life:
When I am Given To by people in my life, I sometimes resist Receiving because
________________________________________________________________.
Only to the extent that you understand your challenges to receive, can you be attentive to others challenges.
5. Unresolved pain from the past will hinder a persons ability to

gratefully receive.
Our relational needs have been a constant factor in our lives since birth. If these
needs were neglected or abused in childhood, the resulting unresolved pain may
prevent us from receiving them in adulthood.
For example, someone who suffered from physical abuse may have a hard time
receiving affection; a person who never received approval from his parents may have
a hard time receiving it now. These past hurts must be revisited and healed through
comfort and love.
Regardless of why a person might seem to be too needy, giving to others should
be encouraged. Our giving to them may have simply brought focus on deeper
issues to which we might give.
Reflections: (i.e., someone in your life whose pain seems to hinder receiving?)
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
Pause and Reflect:
Is there someone in your life who seems to be too needy? Which of the five reasons seems to fit? What might you do to encourage this person to experience both
the satisfaction of needs being met and giving to others?
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
124
HOW
TO
AVOID BURN-OUT
IN
GIVING
TO
OTHERS NEEDS
Since were talking about giving to others in this chapter, we should also discuss the
possibility of getting burned out and how to avoid it.
1. We should realize that no one should be expected to meet all of

another persons needs.
Yes, a husband should be a primary source for his wifes needs being met but not the
only source (friends and family hopefully will be involved). A mother and father
should be the primary sources for meeting childrens needs, but not the only ones
(teachers, other family and adults will hopefully be involved). Its unrealistic and
even wrong to expect one person to meet all of another persons needs. Its sometimes important to assist others in developing mutual giving relationships.
Reflections: (i.e., someone you feel pressured to meet all of their needs?)
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
2. Whenever we feel worn-out or burned-out, we need to make

sure were adequately receiving.
In other words, who in your life is meeting your needs on a regular basis? If were
not careful, we can become so engrossed in meeting other peoples needs that we
inadvertently ignore our own. Theres nothing super-human about giving but not
receiving. Effective caring for others is predicated upon our own experience of
gratitude for having received.
Reflections: (i.e., list 3 or 4 people in your life who regularly Give First to you)
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
125
3. Be vulnerable with your own needs in a caring way.

To help avoid burn-out and to give others the opportunity to be involved in our
needs, it is important that we not hide our needs or attack people with them!
The healthy alternative is to vulnerably share our needs in a caring way.
Perhaps you could really use a generous dose of encouragement or respect. How
can you express your needs without becoming selfish or falling into the taking
trap?
First, affirm the clarity and validity of your need, especially give thought to what
meeting your need would look or sound like.
Second, in a gentle, non-threatening way, share your needs with your friend, family,
co-worker, etc. Maybe with a co-worker: I would enjoy contributing to this project and if we could plan our next meeting in advance, I will make it a priority.
(your respect need has been shared). Maybe with your spouse: It would mean a
lot to me if we could spend some time together tonight. I need some quiet time
with you. (your attention need has been shared). Maybe with a friend: Ive really had a rough day, could I share with you some of my frustrations? I just need a
listening ear. (your attention and comfort needs have been shared).
Finally, whatever you need, give to others. Do you need comfort? Give comfort.
Do you need respect? Give respect to others. Giving to others helps to keep us
from becoming selfish.
Pause and Reflect:
What insights concerning burn-out might be applicable to you? Review the three
burn-out challenges above. What might you need to remember and address in
your own life?
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
126
What are some important needs in your life right now? Support? Attention?
Appreciation? First, clarify how this need could be met. Then, share your needs
with a friend or loved one, trusting that your needs will be met. Finally, begin to
generously give to meet those needs in other peoples lives.
Pause and Reflect:
Write out a sentence which shares a need with a family member, a friend, or a coworker; make it as real as possible and plan to try your sentence soon!
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
(i.e., I really appreciate hearing when my efforts to support you have been what you
needed.)
GIVING FIRST! DOING TASKS
VS.
IDENTITY
A third challenge in becoming a Giving First person relates to how we view this
goal:
If increasing our giving to others is seen as simply adding more items to our
things to do list, then it will become a burden and ineffective.
If Giving First becomes more of an identity issue of becoming, then it
becomes more natural and accompanied with joy.
Pause and Reflect:
Increasing our purposeful Giving First to others may at times take planning and
organization plus feel awkward or mechanical at first...and yet any new habit
works through these challenges.
Discuss what planning or organization ideas you have initiated which have
assisted your Giving First to others: (i.e., start the day giving, make notes
throughout the day, technology you use, etc.)
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
127
Discuss what awkward or mechanical times you have experienced as you have
increased your Giving First habit: (i.e., saying I love you or I appreciate
you was awkward; it seemed mechanical at first making birthday phone calls).
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
CONTRASTS
BETWEEN
DOING TASKS
Doing Tasks
I have to do it.
My day is interrupted by
giving to others.
I often run out of time doing
more important things than
giving to others.
Struggle to know how to
give to those in my life.
VS.
BECOMING
Becoming
I want to do it.
My day is encouraged/energized
by giving to others.
Make priority of giving throughout
the day along with everything
else.
Find myself hearing and seeing
peoples needs everywhere!
Pause and Reflect:

Share together one of the above contrasting areas where you see yourself growing from Doing to Becoming:
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
(i.e., when I have a few giving first opportunities during the day, I look forward to
the day more and seem to be more motivated to do other things.)
128
BEING TRANSFORMED INTO MORE

PERSON
OF A
GIVING FIRST
Review the chart below from Chapter 6 and share first a Celebration:
Ive noticed myself become more ______________________ recently, especially
when __________________________________________________________.
(As each person shares, celebrate with them)
Then, share a challenge:
I know I still need to work on becoming more ____________________ especially
when __________________________________________________________.
(As each person shares, encourage them)
GIVING FIRST TO THE RELATIONAL NEEDS

I NEED TO BECOME MORE:
129
OF
OTHERS
Accepting
Comforting
Affectionate
Encouraging
Appreciative
Respectful
Approving
Supportive
Attentive
Giving Security
Gratitude for Love

Consider again the importance of your receiving
______As an affirmation of your worth, and
______As an encouragement to your giving
Review the diagram concerning Potential and Pain of Relational Needs below
and reflect on these thoughts:
130
Receiving in Childhood
Children do not comprehend their needs, so it is essential that parents
understand these needs, validate their importance, and focus on giving in
order to meet each childs needs.
A specific positive childhood memory I have when my need
for _________________ was met was when _____________________.
Consider how you might express your gratitude (i.e., verbal expressions,
send a note, make a phone call, public expression to others)
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
Receiving in Adulthood
Great love is felt when needs that went unmet in childhood are met in our
adult relationships. Healthy adults work to understand the relational needs
of others and consistently give in order to meet these needs.
A specific positive experience of someone giving to me in an area of
unmet childhood need was when (who) ______________________ took
initiative to ________________________________________________.
Consider how you might express your gratitude (i.e., verbal expressions,
send a note, make a phone call, public expression to others)
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________
131
Living It Out
Challenges to becoming a Giving First person
First, lets consider giving to a too needy person:
Consider someone in your life who is a challenge to give to. Who are they
___________________________ and what do you sense the hindrance may be?
(Review five areas on pages 120-122)
The challenge in giving to this person may be that _________________________
In order to help overcome this hindrance, my plan will be to _________________
_________________________________________________________________.
Second, lets consider your Receiving:
Recall the vulnerable sentence you might need to share with a friend, co-worker or
loved one in order to better clarify and communicate your need in a caring way (see
page 122).
Re-write it here:
I would appreciate it if _____________________________________.
It would mean a lot if ______________________________________.
I would enjoy it if _________________________________________.
Then reflect on your plans to share it, or on the response/outcome after you shared
it.
Reflections: _____________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
Third, lets consider your becoming:
A specific challenge for me will be to express more (which need) ____________
especially to (who)_______________________ by (how) __________________
_______________________________________________________________.
132

1. Celebrate giving among your group
Ive been very grateful for (who) _________________________ and how they
have Given First to me by _______________________________________.
2. Celebrate gratitude (review page 129 action steps)

Gratitude for our own receiving prompts both our giving and our becoming.
Celebrate together who it was that you expressed gratitude to and how you did it:
I was reminded of how (who) ____________________ met important
needs in my life growing up by ___________________________; I was
able to recently express my appreciation by ______________________
________________________________________________________.
I expressed appreciation to (who) _______________________ recently
for (what) ____________________________________________; especially for how they meet needs in my life that I have often missed; I appreciated them by ____________________________________________.
3. Celebrate together in your Giving First lifestyle (review page 131)

Report on your plan to Give First to a too needy person in your life: I
have specifically given first to (who) _________________and noticed that
they ____________________________________________because of it.
Report on sharing your own needs with an important person in your
life: The sentence shared was _________________________________
_______________________ and the response was ________________
_________________________________________________________.
I have noticed I am becoming more __________________toward (who)
__________________ particularly when I have (what) _____________
_________________________________________________________.
(e.g., I have noticed I am becoming more appreciative toward my son, par
ticularly when I have noticed his efforts to keep his room clean.
133
Chapter 8
The Journey Into
Intimate Relationships
n large part, fulfillment and success

in life can be assessed by the depth,
genuineness, and sincerity of our relationships, much beyond what we can acquire, accomplish, and
achieve. When the lights are out, when things dont satisfy, when age brings the
reality of our mortality, relationships have the potential of abundance now and a
legacy which lives on.
Notice however, that our relationships have potential, but as in most other aspects
of life, their potential must be seized and pursued. In this closing chapter we will
explore these opportunites to experience:
Deep Friendships with great meaning
Marital Closeness with great intimacy
Family legacy with great fulfillment
Caring, connected Teamwork in the community and workplace.
Pause and Reflect:
Reflect on family members and friends in your life who seemed to give priority to
relationships over other things;
I recall (who) __________________________ giving priority to ___________
_______________________________________________________________.
Ex.: I recall my grandfather giving priority to my grandmother rather than his hobbies and making priority time for me on the weekend when I knew he was tired
after working a long week.
Giving priority to relationships also involves going deep! Shallow acquaintances
or casual chit-chat wont satisfy this need to relate that we were created with.
Only close or intimate relationships fulfill this deep longing.
134
Intimacy:
Deep mutual knowing of one another for the

purpose of deepened care.
Human beings long to experience close, warm, intimate relationships.

Intimacy means I truly know you.
Imagine that as we arise in the morning, go throughout the day and retire in the
evening, we are uniquely aware that a few important people in our life truly know
us. We are safe in sharing our needs and hurts, our fears and dreams. Its this
deep inner knowing of ones heart, thoughts, and intentions that goes well
beyond the mere sharing of facts, ideas, and opinions.
This knowing of ones spouse gives marriage special meaning and separates it
from other human relationships. Knowing our children is a key challenge of parenting. Parents have received gifts from our Creator, and the challenge is to
unwrap them as we enter into each childs world and truly know them. This
knowing and being known defines true friendship and makes close teamwork
possible in the community and the workplace.
Pause and Reflect:
Consider the deepening of relationships in your own life throughout this
course:
I have especially come to know (who)__________________________ on a much
deeper level. (possibly a friend, family member or someone in your group)
Celebrate together this journey of fulfillment in deepened relationships.
Intimacy means I let you truly know me.
This aspect of healthy, close relationships speaks of vulnerability and genuineness,
as I:
Share my needs and desires-I experience your interest and care.
Share my disappointments and hurts-I find your comfort and at times
your confession.
135
Share my uncertainties and fears-I experience your loving reassurance and

your presence.
Share my hopes and dreams-I find your encouragement and support.
Pause and Reflect:
Reflect on the four dimensions of vulnerable sharing noted above and consider the
increased vulnerability you have experienced throughout this course:
I have especially been more open with (who)____________________ particularly
concerning my ____________________________________________________.
Celebrate together in the blessings of deepened relationships.
Intimacy means you care about me.
Beautifully portrayed in this use of the word intimacy is the liberating motivation
for marriage, family life and great friendships/teamwork. In many ways this aspect
of intimacy speaks to the motivation behind the knowing. Why is it that I seek to
enter into my partners or childs world? Why prioritize time for friend, family or
co-worker relationships? Why give sacrificially to others needs? Its because I care!
Its not mere duty, obligation, or in order to manipulatively have my needs met.
This selfless giving motive from a grateful heart is what empowers healthy, close
relationships. Its this priority of care for others that prompts a Giving First
lifestyle.
Pause and Reflect:
Reflect on both Giving and Receiving care:
I have been able to deepen my expressions of care, especially toward (who)
_________________________.
I have also been grateful for increased care toward me, especially from(who)
_________________________.
Celebrate together in the joy of increased care.
136
MAINTAINING INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS

DEALING WITH CONFLICT
Healthy relationships need constant attention. We often think that only bad relationships need attention but actually, the best relationships are those that are constantly worked on and fine tuned. All types of relationships-husband/wife,
friendships, employer/employee, parent/child-will benefit from the following principles
that teach us how to keep relationships healthy and current.
Be Quick to Heal
The first principle is: Deal immediately with misunderstandings, hurts, and anything else that would cause you to be angry and distant.
Unresolved hurt may lead to negative emotions such as anger, bitterness, fear, guilt,
condemnation and despair; and may eventually affect us in physiological ways such
as insomnia, high blood pressure, anxiety, and headaches. Since there are no perfect relationships, all relationships will inevitably produce hurts, and our reluctance
to deal with them promptly causes us to internalize negative emotions that are
painful.
Pause and Reflect:
Recently I was able to quickly heal a misunderstanding concerning (what) ______
________________________________________________________________.
Speak Truth in Love

This second principle is: deal with conflicts by sharing truth and always share the
truth motivated by love.
First, this principle tells us what to speak-the truth. Whenever theres a conflict in
interpersonal relationships, seek the truth. Many times were upset over something
were misinformed about. Often, just talking out a situation-telling the facts-will dissolve many conflicts. Additionally, sometimes the truth we need is a more healthy
perspective on our unhealthy thinking; sharing your anxieties or fears and coming to
hear truthful reassurance is important in a close relationship.
137
But this principle also speaks to how the truth should be spoken, how it should be
delivered. Sharing truth in love might sound like:
I would enjoy it if we might __________________________________.
I know you did not mean to, and yet I felt disappointed by your criticism in
front of our friends.
If we ignore either admonition in this principle, well either hide or attack.
Hiders dont share the truth; Attackers share the truth-but not in love. Both
approaches produce disastrous results. Healers share the truth in love.
A simple principle of truth and healing is that when someone is hurting, they at
least need your comfort:
Im sorry that happened.
I reject that for you.
And may need your confession (apology):
I should not have said that. Will you forgive me?
It was wrong of me to be so impatient. Will you forgive me?
Pause and Reflect:
I was recently able to give comfort concerning ________________________.
I recently apologized concerning ___________________________________.
Gentle words are better than harsh ones

The third principle is: learn to diffuse volatile conversations by speaking gentle
words.
How do you respond to an Attacker? To someone who hurts with their words?
The answer is not to hurt back, for then you fall into the trap of returning insult
for insult, a battle in which there is no winner.
What will neutralize anger? A gentle answer. What does a gentle answer sound
like? Here are some examples: Im sorry this situation has disappointed you. Lets
talk about it. I want to do everything I can to restore peace to this relationship.
Lets talk. If Ive done something to offend you, I want to know about it so I can
make it right.
138
Pause and Reflect:

Consider someone in your life who sometimes hurts others with their words. Write
out a gentle answer youll plan to share. ______________________________
________________________________________________________________.
Priorities in Intimate Relationships

Priorities. Everyone has them. Regardless of whether or not youve ever written
yours down or even thought about them-youre living out whats important to
you. For relationships to deepen, a priority must be given to them.
The following statements will help you assess the true status of your relationship
priorities. Read them slowly and see if there is one of the ten statements that
prompts you to pause and consider if additional priority is needed.
1. I spend regular, quality, uninterrupted time with my spouse, friends, and family.
2. I spend quality time or make regular caring contact with my children.
3. I know who my childrens friends are, what theyre doing in school, their interests, the stresses theyre under, etc.
4. My spouse, friends, and family know me. I share with them my needs, feelings,
dreams and concerns.
5. Im approachable by my spouse and friends and family; theyre not hesitant to
vulnerably share their feelings or to approach me when Ive offended them.
6. I keep up with family and friend birthdays and other special occasions/celebrations.
7. I often use my discretionary time to enter into my familys/friends worlds and
do what they want to do.
139
8. I have regular contact (visit, phone, email, or letter) with my extended family (inlaws, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.).
9. I surprise friends/family with unexpected Giving First based upon truly knowing them.
10. I often communicate my appreciation, approval, and gratitude to family/friends.
Pause and Reflect:
One of the above priority statements that may need more of my attention is
_______________________________________________________________.
As each person shares, offer encouragement.
Celebrate Your Journey Together:

As you conclude this course as a small group, give priority to a time of giving and
receiving words and expressions of care:
Begin with a focus on one person. Maybe beginning with the group leaders. Write
and take turns expressing words of:
Appreciation: I have been very encouraged by your ____________________
_______________________________________________________________.
Approval: You have been a great example of _______________________ by
_______________________________________________________________.
Gratitude: I am very grateful for ___________________________________
_______________________________________________________________.
This person is challenged to receive and after group leaders have shared, move on
to the next person.
140
Gratitude for Love

Celebrate Your Journey Through This Course:
Pause quietly to review in your heart and mind your journey through this course;
write your thoughts of reflection in the journal below:
1. Ive been surprised to learn about myself that _______________________
_______________________________________________________________.
2. Its been somewhat humbling to see and admit ______________________
_______________________________________________________________.
3. It was significant for me to be vulnerable and open concerning _________
_______________________________________________________________.
4. I have experienced and expressed genuine compassion toward
(who) ___________________ concerning (what) ___________________
_______________________________________________________________.
5. One of my favorite Giving First experiences was when _____________
_______________________________________________________________.
6. Ive become especially grateful...
For who in your family? In your group? As a friend?
_______________________________________________________________.
That Ive experienced healing/insight or freedom concerning (what)
_______________________________________________________________.
That Im becoming _________________________________________.
7. Im so very much looking forward to taking what Ive experienced and
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________.
141
Living it Out
Hiding, Attacking, Healing
Pain is inevitable. We live in a world of hurts, disappointments, and misunderstanding, so its not a matter of if well be hurt, the issue is, when we are hurt, how are we
going to deal with it? What is the proper way to deal with hurt?
First lets discuss the wrong way to deal with hurt. Most people either suppress
their hurt and become hiders, or they lose control and become attackers. Both
approaches produce painful outcomes.
Hiding
Hiding pain hurts you and others. It may seem like the easy way out is to
ignore pain and to suppress it; but to disregard the truth of your hurt sets in
motion a damaging cycle that affects both you and your relationship with others.
Hiding hurt can feed anger and bitterness. You may find yourself pretending
on the outside and seething on the inside.
Hiding hurt can prompt subsequent retaliation and rebellion. You may find
yourself like the little school boy sent to the corner for misbehaving-he was sitting
down on the outside, but standing up on the inside! This standing up on the
inside can later be expressed by being uncooperative, selfish, insensitive, or can even
produce more overt actions. Periodic explosions would not be uncommon. An
attitude of Ill show you, might lead to retaliation by escaping into work, substance abuse or an affair.
Hiding hurt can undermine your sense of worth and prompt feelings of
condemnation. Ignoring hurt can eventually damage our sense of identity and
worth. We might begin to think, Im not worth being treated any better than this
or, Theres something wrong with me or Id have more love and less hurt.
Furthermore, significant and long-lasting damage can occur if we think our needs,
hurts and pain seem too unimportant to mention.
142
Hiding hurt can contribute to harmful relational and physical side effects.
Internalized or suppressed emotions like anger, bitterness, guilt and anxiety are
often associated with physical complaints such as ulcers, high blood pressure and
skin rashes. Anger turned inward is a common expression for certain forms of
depression. Inhibited sexual desire, particularly in women, is frequently associated
with unresolved emotional/stress issues.
Hiding hurt hinders others from knowing the real me! To hide my true
feelings is to pretend and wear a mask of protection. Intimacy is hindered and
relationships remain shallow. Its often difficult for loved ones around me to sense
that I can genuinely feel love for them if they dont see and hear that I can feel pain.
Pause and Reflect:
Symptoms of Hiding I see in myself would be _________________________
_______________________________________________________________.
Attacking
Attacking hurts you and others. Attackers often want to get even, You hurt
me-Im going to hurt you. They may attack with hurtful words, temper tantrums,
shouting matches or physical abuse. The result is always damaging.
Attacking adds feelings of guilt. Considerable research has shown that simply
venting anger and hurt doesnt release it; most of the time, the anger remains and
then we feel guilty because of how we may have attacked or hurt another person.
Attacking often undermines our sense of worth. After an attack, we may
internalize thoughts such as, I cant believe I stooped so low with my words or,
Im a terrible person/husband/father. This sense of self-blame, and shameful
condemnation will steal our sense of joy and peace.
143
Attacking focuses on a problem (or person) you cant fix! One of the most
frustrating things about attacking others is that it rarely does any good and usually
makes matters worse. A key reason for this is that your attacking focuses on someone you cant change! The focus is shifted away from the only person you really can
be responsible for-you!
Attacking undermines the foundation of close relationships. One of the
worst things about hurtful words and actions is that they cant be taken back.
Trust is undermined as past events are used to hurt others. The emotional pain
inflicted by harsh words, even if they were not really meant will linger in the heart
of a wounded spouse, friend, or child long after the attack is over. Often, only the
bad times are remembered and hope gives way to despair and the joy of closeness is
lost.
Hiding feelings of anger doesnt work, Attacking doesnt work either.
The only viable solution is to be assertive in order to heal pain.
Pause and Reflect:
Symptoms of Attacking I see in myself would be _______________________
_______________________________________________________________.
Healing
Three key principles from earlier in the chapter include:
Be Quick to Heal
Speak Truth in Love
Gentle Words are better than harsh words
Finally, forgive your offender. Forgiveness is primarily a choice for your benefit.
Choose to forgive even if your offender doesnt ask your forgiveness and even if
his/her behavior doesnt change. Forgiveness will help you to guard your heart
from bitterness, hardness, and indifference.
144

Utilize the seven reflections from your Grateful For Love journal as the focus of
your sharing.
Take turns sharing each question, one at a time beginning with:
1. Ive been surprised to learn about myself that ______________________
_______________________________________________________________.
As each person shares, provide affirmation, encouragement, and offers of support.
After each person has shared their reflection on number 1, begin sharing your
reflections on question 2 and so forth until you have completed seven (7) rounds of
sharing.
Celebrate Together Your Self-Awareness, Humility, Your

Vulnerability, and Compassion.
Rejoice together in your Giving First from a grateful heart.
Look forward to continuing to support one another as you each
Pass On to others these principles of Becoming!
145

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Copyright 1994 by Relationship Press. Revised Edition, 1999.

Welcome to Top Ten Relational Needs

Gratitude for LoveAn experiential exercise in which you will be

Living It OutAn experiential exercise in which you will have an

e all have needs. Neediness is an intrinsic characteristic of

Top Ten Relational Needs

Pause and Reflect:

Pause and Reflect:

Needs: An Important Aspect of How You Are Made!

1. Needs Are Cross-Cultural.

Neediness transcends all cultural differences. People of every race, ethnicity,

2. Needs Exist in All Generations.

3. Needs Are Lifelong and Continuous.

Top Ten Relational Needs

4. It Is OK to Have Needs; Neediness Is Not a Defect.

Those who need comfort are too emotional.

Those who need support are simply weak.

Needs: An Important Aspect of How You Are Made!

5. We Cannot Meet Our Own Needs; Needs Can Only Be Met in

A car is not a substitute for acceptance.

A position of authority is no alternative for approval.

Successful projects will not meet our need for appreciation.

A cigarette or bowl of ice cream does not bring genuine comfort.

Top Ten Relational Needs

WHY DID GOD CREATE US

1. Our Neediness Encourages Humility and Valuing of

Needs: An Important Aspect of How You Are Made!

2. Our Neediness Encourages Interdependence.

3. Accepting the Reality of Our Needs Helps Us to Develop a

4. Admitting Our Needs Frees Us to Both Receive and Give Care.

Top Ten Relational Needs

5. Meeting the Needs of Others Expresses Care and Produces

If we desire to decrease the number of divisions within our families, communities,

Needs: An Important Aspect of How You Are Made!

NEEDS ARE AN ESSENTIAL ASPECT

Top Ten Relational Needs

3. I believe that I should be active in seeking to meet the needs of others.

Needs: An Important Aspect of How You Are Made!

Gratitude for Love

Top Ten Relational Needs

Needs: An Important Aspect of How You Are Made!

1. In small groups examine your responses to the Personal Assessment on p. 14,

3. When are you most challenged to give to the needs of others?

Homework- Share with someone the following sentences:

ow that we have examined some general characteristics of our

Top Ten Relational Needs

How Might You Meet Others Need for Acceptance?

The Top Ten Relational Needs

How Might You Meet Others Need for Affection?

Top Ten Relational Needs

How Might You Meet Others Need for Appreciation?

The Top Ten Relational Needs

Pause and Reflect:

How Might You Meet Others Need for Approval?

Top Ten Relational Needs

3. Make it a priority to give explicit approval to your immediate family members. If

The Top Ten Relational Needs

How Might You Meet Others Need for Attention?

Top Ten Relational Needs

Name: Responses: ______________