Fanfiction by CaraNo Beta'd by HollettLA and pre-read by Kitty Vuitton Disclaimer: don!

t o"n #"ili$%t

&ummary: Bella barely remembers %er $odparents' but after losin$ %er mom and dad' s%e's s%ipped off to rainy (as%in$ton to li)e "it% t%e Cullens for %er final semester in %i$% sc%ool* +n t%e outside' t%e Cullens are perfect* Be%ind closed doors is anot%er matter* (arnin$: #%is story deals "it% dru$ use' abuse,)ery adult t%emes* Cate$ory: An$st-Hurt-Comfort

~Prologue~ EPOV .#%is is "%at you "ant/. s%e breat%es out* s"allo"' preparin$ myself for anot%er $rand performance* Her eyes "ell up* And "%en s%e repeats %er 0uestion' 1no" t%at %a)e to ans"er*

clenc% my 2a"* .3es*. Don't. Fucking. Crack. can practically see %er %eart brea1in$* t's gutting* #%e crease on %er fore%ead' t%e one s%o"in$ despair' turns me into a co"ard and a)ert my eyes*

.3ou "ant me to4to4. &%e can't e)en say t%e "ord* A sob catc%es in %er t%roat' and t%is is it* #%e pro)erbial nail in t%e coffin* After t%is' t%ere "ill be nothing left* 5us%in$ do"n my self-%atred and nausea' . 'll pay for it' of course'. flas% %er a smir1* c%uc1le* .Did you

say' s%ru$$in$* .But4.

really t%in1 'd "ant a baby "it% you' Bella/. Cullen and you're4"ell' you*.

lau$% in %er face* &%e %as

no idea t%at 'm dyin$ on t%e inside* .Be real' for fuc1's sa1e* 'm Edward dip do"n a little and smir1 a$ain* .3ou're nothing' Bella* Fuc1in$ worthless* t "as all a $ame to me-. 6nable to $et anot%er "ord out,unless my "allet and empty it on cas%* t "ill be enou$% for t%e4t%e abortion* Fuck* 7y insides c%urn painfully* .8d"ard'. s%e "%ispers' and to face %er* #ears stream do"n %er c%ee1s* .What/. e9%ale %ars%ly* s"allo" bile* clenc% my teet% to$et%er as force myself "ant to t%ro" up, brin$ out

Her last "ords are soft' s%allo"' but t%ey couldn't cut deeper* . %ate you*. (it% t%at said' s%e turns to lea)e* I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. t's suddenly impossible to breat%e* 7y eyes blur* "atc% %er retreatin$ form until s%e's out of si$%t* Don't worry, baby. I hate me, too.

Chapter song he War Inside by !witch"oot EPOV #%is is probably t%e first Friday in my entire e9istence "%ere don't arri)e

at sc%ool "it% a fuc1in$ smir1 on my face* #%e 0uiet purr of my Aston doesn't brin$ me satisfaction today* #%e $irls "%o al"ays meet me as soon as slam t%e door s%ut 2ust annoy me* Admittedly' t%ey')e al"ays usually 2ust 1eep "al1in$* &ometimes flas% t%em my annoyed me' but

lopsided $rin' "%ic% for some reason ma1es t%em cream t%eir fuc1in$ panties' and then t%ou$%* lea)e t%em %an$in$' "antin$* Not t%is mornin$' lea)e t%em be%ind "it% a sco"l*

.Dude' you comin' "it% us to La 5us% toni$%t' yea%/. #%at's %o" 8mmett $reets me by t%e loc1ers* .5eter and $ood on )od1a and "eed*. .Can't'. mutter' ta1in$ out my c%emistry boo1* . fuc1in$ told you' 8m*. "ent to 5ort A last ni$%t' so "e're

$i)e %im a pointed loo1 and "ait* He's a bit slo"' so it ta1es %im a "%ile before reali:ation %its %im* .A%' t%at's ri$%t;. %e booms out* .3ou're $ettin$ a sister today;. He finds t%is funny for some reason* And it's not a fuc1in$ sister* #"o of 7om's colle$e friends died in a car cras% or "%ate)er' and t%ey left a dau$%ter be%ind* Bella* accordin$ to 7om* fuc1's sa1e* #%ou$%' used to play "it% %er "%en "as little' "as fi)e' for can't say t%at remember much of it*

do remember one time "%en4e%' ne)er mind*

Any"ay' 7om and Dad are %er $odparents' so s%e's comin$ to li)e "it% us* #oday' in fact* 7om's do"n t%ere,in 5%oeni9,to %elp %er* &%e's been t%ere since t%e funeral t"o "ee1s a$o* #%an1fully' seminars' conferences' you name it* Bella's arri)al is my reason for not en2oyin$ t%is Friday* #o be %onest' 'm afraid s%it's $onna c%an$e at %ome* For t%e "orse* .&o' you're 2ust $onna be %ome toni$%t/. %e as1s as "e %ead to class* didn't %a)e to s%o"* Dad didn't s%o"' eit%er' but %e's often a"ay on "or1* hank #od* 7edical

.3ep*. As muc% as it suc1s' for tomorro"' t%ou$%/. t's been mont%s since

$otta stay %ome* 7om "ants us to %a)e a

family dinner to ma1e Bella feel "elcome* &ome s%it li1e t%at* .Any plans

$ot laid' and

don't fuc1 around "it% %i$% sc%ool

s1an1s* #%at's "%at "e %a)e 5ort An$eles Community Colle$e for* <otta lo)e t%e more e9perienced ladies* . 'm sure "e can find somet%in$*. He smir1s* =C38= .Hey' Cullen'. >essica coos' ta1in$ %er seat ne9t to me* impossible it is to $et rid of &tanley* And no" s%oot 8m and

5ete $lares' cursin$ as t%ey lau$%* #%ey' of all people' 1no" %o" %a)e to suffer t%rou$% t%e entire lunc% period "it% %er ne9t to me/ Fuc1 t%at* .5iss off' &tanley'. mutter* .3ou're too fuc1in$ u$ly for t%is table*.

#%e loo1 of %urt is $one too soon* .+%' come on' Cullen* Don't be so mean*. s%ru$' dra$$in$ a Frenc% fry t%rou$% 1etc%up* .>ust statin$ a fact*. &%e doesn't lea)e t%e table' muc% to my c%a$rin' but s%e does s%ut up* .&o4t%at c%ic1's arri)in$ today' %u%/. 5ete "a$$les %is eyebro"s* .&%e %ot/. flip %im off* .Ho" t%e fuc1 s%ould "ere fi)e*. After t%at' "e mo)ed from 5%oeni9 to For1s* 7om %as )isited t%e &"ans a fe" times' but ne)er "ent* 1no"/ %a)en't seen %er since "e

.But "%at are you $onna do if s%e is %ot/.

smir1* .3ou "ant me to tell you about positions' man/. .Al"ays 1ne" you "anted my dic1*. #%at "ould be fuc1in$ $olden,if s%e "as %ot*

c%uc1le*

#%is time' %e flips me off* .Fuc1 you* &eriously' t%ou$%4is s%e $onna be your sister or somet%in$/. 3ea%' roll my eyes at t%at* .Ho" fuc1in$ stupid are you' 5eter/ &%e's not

$onna be my $oddamn sister*. <raduation is only a fe" mont%s a"ay* After t%at' 'm so outta %ere* .7y fol1s are 2ust %er $uardian until s%e's ei$%teen*. .&%e's a senior' too' ri$%t/. 8mmett as1s* nod once* .&%e starts %ere on 7onday*. He's about to say somet%in$ else' but my p%one bu::es on t%e table* !hit* Come straight home after school. I need to talk to you Dad. !hit. !hit. !hit. .(%at's up' man/ 3ou loo1 all ri$id and s%it'. 5ete lau$%s* .&een a $%ost/. $ou ha%e no idea. .&%ut up'. snap an$rily' 1ic1in$ my c%air bac1 as stand to lea)e*

(it%out anot%er "ord' bat%rooms*

"al1 out of t%e cafeteria' %eadin$ strai$%t for t%e

1ne" %e'd be %ome today' of course* For t"o "ee1s' it's been calm* #"o "ee1s of 7om bein$ in 5%oeni9* #"o "ee1s of Dad bein$ in &an Francisco for "or1* No" t%ey're,he's,bac1* !hit*

(%en

reac% t%e bat%room'

see t"o fres%men in t%ere* .<et t%e "uck

out*. +ne of t%em trips as t%ey scurry out' ma1in$ %is s%oulder brus% a$ainst my bicep* .(atc% "%ere you're $oin$' you little piece of s%it*. .&-sorry'. %e stutters* &oser* .Dammit'. sin1s' breat%e out' feelin$ t%e an9iety creep in* (al1in$ o)er to t%e s"allo" con)ulsi)ely* s0uee:e my eyes s%ut* don't e)en 1no" t%e c%ic1

$rip one "it% bot% %ands* 7y c%est feels ti$%ter* Cold s"eat*

Constricted t%roat*

s it $onna $et "orse "it% Bella in t%e %ouse/ and #%ere's a $oddamn reason "%y

already fuc1in$ %ate a part of %er* &%e's a t%reat* No doubt about it* ne)er brin$ friends o)er to my %ouse*

E%er* No" s%e's actually $oin$ to li%e "it% us* Not only is s%e $onna li)e "it% us' but s%e's also $oin$ to For1s Hi$%* .Do you remember 'ella, honey() *om asks, making small talk at dinner, I guess. )From when we li%ed in +ri,ona() I shrug, eyes downcast as I pick at my "ood. )-ot really.) .r maybe I do. I think she's the girl I played with when I was little. Whate%er. )What about her() When she doesn't answer, I look up. !he shi"ts in her seat, and Dad gi%es her a subtle nod. hen his cold eyes meet mine, and I look down again. .Well, the thing is, honey/ 0er parents died in a car accident.) 7y breat%s are c%oppy and s%allo" as !uck it up, Cullen. Hands s%a1in$* splas% "ater on my face*

.<ro" t%e %ell up'. sco"l "%en

breat%e out to myself* Loo1in$ into t%e mirror' am*

see %o" fuc1in$ pale

=C38= #%ere's no stallin$ after sc%ool* don't $o under t%e speed limit' t%at needed to* don't stay be%ind to tal1 "it% my friends' don't return t%e boo1s to t%e library

1ill t%e en$ine and s"itc% off my p%one before steppin$ out of t%e car* Dad %ates it "%en my p%one rin$s* t's a distraction* .Here "e $o'. si$%' openin$ t%e door* #%e %ouse smells clean* 7aybe

because ')e spent t%e past t"o days ma1in$ sure t%ere are no traces left of my t"o "ee1s "it%out parents* clear my t%roat and ta1e off my 2ac1et* .Dad/. 7y mind is $oin$ %undred miles a minute as anyt%in$ t%at may piss %im off* Ha)e some"%ere/ Didn't try to come up "it%

accidently left a pi::a bo9

empty t%e laundry/ Has %e %eard anyt%in$ from

sc%ool/ Are t%ere any test results %e could be disappointed in/ . n t%e 1itc%en' son*. Funny %o" my spine reacts to %is )oice before my fuc1in$ ears do* Fourteen steps later' .Hey'. reac% t%e 1itc%en* As al"ays' Dad is in a suit*

say lamely' s%iftin$ on my feet* 7y %ands $o to my poc1ets*

Dad loo1s up from t%e mail %e %as spread out on t%e 1itc%en island* #%en %e loo1s do"n a$ain' sayin$ not%in$ for a "%ile* He %as a 1nac1 for

ma1in$ a $uy s"eat* And "%ile %e "as a"ay*

can see t%at it's not 2ust t%e mail %e %as on

t%e island* #%ere are also a fe" tests and sc%ool reports ')e $otten bac1

&trai$%t A's* Anyt%in$ else is unacceptable* (%en once4

came %ome "it% a B-

.#%ou$%t "e could tal1 a little before your mot%er returns "it% sabella*. s"allo"* .+1ay*. (it% %is e)er-cold eyes fi9ed on me' %e says a fe" "ords t%at send me into a tailspin* . 0uit my 2ob in &eattle after t%ey offered me a position %ere in For1s*. He 0uit* He fuc1in$ 0uit* #%e 2ob %e %ad four %ours a"ay from %ere,t%e 2ob t%at too1 %im a"ay from %ome so often4%e 0uit* . start ne9t mont%*. He smir1s and $ood* focus on my breat%in$* .#%e %ours are "ill be %ome for dinner e)ery ni$%t* sn't t%at "onderful/.

%a)e se)eral "ords for %is ne" 2ob' but ."onderful. isn't one of t%em* . fi$ured it "as time to spend more time "it% my family'. %e continues smoot%ly* .8specially no" "%en t%ere "ill be one more in t%e %ouse%old*. His smir1 fades* .Anot%er mout% to feed4anot%er set of eyes4anot%er pair of ears*. 5ointed loo1* But it's pointless,pardon t%e pun,'cause already 1no" t%is* t's %is "ay of tellin$ me to 1eep my mout% s%ut* Li1e "ould tal1 to Bella* 5lease* .But are*. $rind my teet% to$et%er but say not%in$* +penin$ my mout% no" "ould only $i)e me s%it* =C38= %a)e not%in$ to "orry about' do /. %e c%uc1les* .3ou "ouldn't "ant anyone to 1no" "%at a pussy you really

After finis%in$ my %ome"or1'

stare at t%e cloc1 abo)e my bed* >ust

"aitin$ for time to pass' really* 7om "ill be bac1 in an %our' "%ic% means dinner4tal1in$4 &o' it's no use in ta1in$ out a 2oint* (ouldn't "anna be %i$% at dinner* (ell' "ould' but Dad "ould also %a)e my %ead' so4 $uess %e's

t's a "onder %e doesn't complain about t%e smell at all' but lettin$ me do "%ate)er t%e fuc1 1ne" All smo1ed as often as "ant as lon$ as

come %ome "it% need it*

fla"less $rades* n reality' t%ou$%' %e "ould probably put a stop to it if %e do* But it's "%at %a)e*

%a)e to do is li$%t up a 2oint4close my eyes4

t ta1es me a"ay for a fe" moments* >ust a little "%ile* Before Dad's "ords seep t%rou$%* .$ou know why I'm doing this, son.) .I ha%e a lot in%ested in your "uture.) .1ohns 0opkins isn't going to want an a%erage student.) .I'm 2ust helping you, Edward.) =C38= Around se)en' %ear 7om's car pullin$ in* t's my cue as t%e perfect son

to $o out t%ere and %elp "it% Bella's lu$$a$e* doubt s%e %as a lot since t%e rest %as been s%ipped* .Hi' %oney'. 7om $reets me as "atc% a brunette step out of t%e car on

t%e ot%er side* Holy s%it* Bella &"an $re" up* And4er4s%e $re" up nicely* Fuc1' s%e's %ot* .Come meet Bella*.

(%en Bella loo1s up'

see past %o" fuc1in$ %ot s%e is* 'Cause s%e also

loo1s beyond e9%austed and sad as %ell* Duh. !he 2ust lost her "ucking parents. .Hi'. s%e says almost inaudibly as you4a$ain' suppose*. c%uc1le 0uietly' s%a1in$ %er %and* .(e played "%en can %elp ta1e a fe" steps for"ard* .Nice to see

.A%' t%at's ri$%t'. "it%/.

"e "ere 1ids*. #%e smile s%e returns is timid* .&o' any ba$s

. redecorated t%e $uest room ne9t to 8d"ard's bedroom'. 7om mentions' openin$ t%e trun1* follo" to ta1e t%e lu$$a$e from %er' and Bella mumbles somet%in$ about t%e si:e of our %ouse* .3our room "ill be on t%e t%ird floor' s"eetie'. 7om continues* .And you "ill %a)e t%e $uest bat%room across t%e %all"ay*. &%e smiles as ta1e t"o %ea)y fuc1in$ ba$s' and 'm pretty sure t%ey're pac1ed "it% bric1s* .By t%e "ay' you don't %a)e to "orry* 8d"ard %as %is o"n bat%room' so no t%in1in$ about %is filt%*. .Hey'. protest %alf%eartedly* 7om 2ust "in1s*

Loo1s li1e t"o "ee1s a"ay %a)e been $ood for %er* #%e smile on %er face is $enuine' albeit a bit ner)ous* +n my "ay inside' "%en can only ima$ine "%y*

pass Dad' "%o is "earin$ a smile as %e "al1s out* t's %ear 7om introducin$ Bella to Dad' and

"al1 up t%e stairs t%at

'm not surprised to %ear %o" polite and 1ind %e is* He's $ood t%at ma1in$ people belie)e %e's perfection personified* After all' %e %as 7om fooled* +nce on t%e t%ird floor' open t%e door to Bella's ne" room and "al1 o)er

to %er 1in$-si:ed bed* +ur rooms are mirror ima$es of eac% ot%er* #%e "all "e s%are is "%ere "e bot% %a)e our beds* 3ea%' teena$e dude %ere* Kinda %ard not to let t%e mind "ander* And "e're alone on t%e t%ird floor4

nterestin$* s%a1e my %ead' clearin$ it* .(o"'. says a small )oice* ob)iously need to $et laid* loo1 o)er my s%oulder' spottin$ Bella in t%e

door"ay* .#%is room is4bi$*. raise my eyebro"s' scannin$ t%e room* t's not that bi$* #%ere's a 1in$si:ed bed,as mentioned,positioned in t%e middle of t%e room' "it% t%e %eadboard a$ainst t%e same "all as my bed- Enough, Cullen. We'%e "ucking co%ered the bed. *o%e on. ?i$%t* +n t%e "all,t%e other "all,is t%e entertainment center* Flat screen' boo1s%el)es' DVD player' surround sound system4 By t%e "all ne9t to t%e door is a des1' a ne" laptop' a c%air' some binders4and ne9t to t%e des1 is a double closet* #%at lea)es t%e "all across t%e room' "%ic% is made out of $lass* #%ou$%' it's not really a "all* #%ey're slidin$ doors openin$ to t%e balcony t%at "e s%are* +ur rooms are really t%e same,e)en "%en it comes to furniture,only' %a)e an ensuite bat%room in mine* +%' t%e colors are different' too* 7y room "as done in s%ades of $rey* Bella's is in "%ite and dar1 red* .7om decorated it'. say dumbly' not really 1no"in$ "%at to say* .7y

room loo1s pretty muc% t%e same*. &%e nods once' and t%en it's almost a"1"ard* &o' li1e t%at* #%en return to my room* =C38= Fi)e minutes into dinner' Dad pounces* . sabella' "%at are your plans for colle$e/. clear my t%roat and

tell %er t%at 'm ne9t door if s%e needs me to tell %er "%ere stuff is* &%it

(it% 7om and Dad at eac% %ead of t%e table'

sit across from Bella* Li1e

me' s%e doesn't appear to be a tal1er* 7aybe 'cause s%e %as a lot on %er mind* Ne" to"n' ne" %ome' no parents* No"' there's somet%in$* No parents* "onder "%at t%at's li1e,not to %a)e parents*

.6m4. &%e clears %er t%roat' loo1in$ )ery uncomfortable* . 'm t%in1in$ about %oldin$ off on colle$e ne9t year*. n refle9' e)eryt%in$ inside of me tenses* 0olding off on college( s"allo" and loo1 do"n at my plate' and out of me* And for t%e first time' "onder if Dad "ill treat %er li1e %e treats me* feel %o" my appetite 2ust flies nearly drop my for1*

. see'. is Dad's reply* 3ea%' %e's not pleased* Fuc1* .(ell' per%aps you'll reconsider "%ile you're %ere*. Keepin$ my %ead lo"ered' Dad@ s%e's confused* snea1 a $lance at Bella* &%e's fro"nin$ at

can't blame %er* Hopefully' s%e "on't learn %is

"ays t%e %ard "ay* Actually' s%e "ill %opefully not learn %is "ays at all* .Anyone "ant dessert/. 7om as1s li$%tly' brea1in$ t%e silence* &ometimes .No' t%an1s'. "onder if s%e 1no"s* mutter* . 'm full*. loc1 t%e door to my room before ploppin$ do"n on

Fi)e minutes later' t%e bed*

#oo many 0uestions s"irl around in my fuc1in$ %ead* +r s%ould "orries/ Fears/ (it% my %ands be%ind my %ead' stare up at t%e ceilin$*

say

+ne t%in$ is clear*

need to find a fuc1in$ balance* Bella can't e)er find

out about4"ell' me* &%e needs to 1no" t%e 8d"ard-Fuc1in$-Cullen t%at attends For1s Hi$%* Not t%e lame pussy %e- I A am4%ere' at %ome* Nobody li1es a fuc1in$ pansy* Nobody "ants a "ea1lin$* =C38= don't 1no" for %o" many years t%e t%ird floor %as been mine and mine alone' so "%en "a1e up on &aturday mornin$ to t%e sound of a s%o"er runnin$' it ta1es a "%ile for me to $et my bearin$s strai$%t* #%en my mind starts "anderin$ a$ain* Bella' a )ery fuc1in$ %ot c%ic1' is s%o"erin$ 2ust across t%e %all* Na1ed' "ater slidin$ do"n' %ot' "et' steamy4 "ucking4s%o"er* $roan 0uietly' slippin$ a %and underneat% t%e "aistband of my bo9ers* $rip my mornin$ "ood ti$%tly and use my free %and to pus% off t%e co)ers* t doesn't ta1e lon$ for t%e ima$es to in)ade my %ead* Bella' in t%e s%o"er' touc%in$ %erself* &%e'd loo1 up at me as %er %and tra)eled do"n %er stomac%* &%e'd be a tease* .Fuc1 me'. $runt in my mornin$ )oice* s"ipe my t%ump o)er t%e %ead

of my dic1' feelin$ a drop of pre-cum*

$roan a$ain and t%rust into my

%and* 7y eyes are scre"ed s%ut* ma$es fuc1in$ assault me* Her tits' alt%ou$% co)ered by a snu$ %oodie yesterday' loo1ed fuc1in$ spectacular* Not small,de"initely not small,round' not per1y* And %er ass4 .+%' s%it*. speed up' t%in1in$ about t%ose s1inny 2eans s%e "ore yesterday and %o" t%ey %u$$ed %er ass* 'd fuc1 %er*

n t%e s%o"er* 'd tell %er to put %er %ands on t%e "all' and my coc1 inside of %er from be%ind*

"ould s%o)e

"ould fuc1 %er pussy deeply and

%ard* 7y %ands "ould $rip %er %ips or reac% around %er to s0uee:e %er tits' or4 "ould cup %er ass in my %ands and4 .A%%%;. tin$le* moan' feelin$ my insides coil' my abs tense' my fuc1in$ t%i$%s stro1e myself rou$%ly' t%rustin$ 2er1ily as start comin$* . 3ngh'

fuc14 3ea%' "uck' yea%4. ?ipples of tiny s%udders run t%rou$% me* lift my %ead and loo1 do"n' let out a fe" labored breat%s* $otta say* But "%en

0oly shit* Nice fuc1in' "ay to start t%e mornin$'

$rimace at t%e $oddamn mess t%at comes

"it% bein$ a dude* <irls %a)e it so easy* &eriously* ime "or a shower. =C38= .<ood mornin$'. say' enterin$ t%e 1itc%en* smir1 "%en Bella loo1s up

from %er brea1fast' only to a)ert %er eyes fast as %ell* 7aybe it's 'cause 'm only "earin$ a pair of s"eats,dra"n to my cal)es,and a to"el around my nec1* But %ey' t%is is %o" s%o"er' t%en eat' t%en 2ust 'cause a $irl is li)in$ "it% us no"/ "e %a)e left before $raduation* parents* .+%' 8d"ard'. 7om si$%s' puttin$ do"n a plate as .Couldn't you put a s%irt on/. s%ru$ and ta1e a piece of bacon* .(%y t%e fuc1 s%ould /. &%e doesn't e)en bot%er to remind me of my foul lan$ua$e anymore* &%e 2ust $i)es ta1e my seat* eat brea1fast e)ery mornin$* First don't fuc1in$ t%in1 so* And if Bella $et dressed for t%e day* &%ould t%at c%an$e

%appens to li1e "%at s%e sees' t%en maybe "e could en2oy t%ese mont%s could ma1e %er for$et t%e loss of %er

me a tired loo1* .(%ate)er* (%ere's Dad/ noticed 'cause it's t%e first t%in$

noticed t%at %is car's $one*.

do after lea)in$ t%e bed* Call it a ritual* fro"n* After a

.He left for &eattle early t%is mornin$'. 7om replies' and a$ain* .He'll be bac1 on #%ursday*. .h*

business trip' %e's usually %ome for at least a fe" days before lea)in$

loo1 do"n at my %ands in my lap' processin$ %er "ords* 6nsurprisin$ly' feel myself rela9in$* .&o' any plans today/. .Not really'. t%an t%at4. say "it% a s%ru$* .#%ere's probably a party later' but ot%er s%ru$ a$ain*

&%e nods slo"ly' castin$ a $lance at Bella* .7aybe you could s%o" Bella around to"n/. 'm $ood at s%ru$$in$' so do t%at a$ain* don't mind s%o"in$ %er around* t's sorta up to %er* .(%at do you t%in1' Bella/. .6%4 3ea%' sure*. &%e doesn't really sound ent%usiastic' but you %a)e not%in$ better to do'. s%e adds 0uic1ly' eyes on me* smir1* .Nope* Not%in$ better to do*. &ince s%e's been 1inda timid so far' 'm a bit surprised "%en s%e reacts to my innuendo "it% t%e bitc%-bro" coc1ed* Fuc1' t%at's %ot* misunderstand my intentions* No pun intended* f s%e s%oots me do"n' t%en fine* 'll 2ust mo)e on* But if s%e's on board4 "ell4 $i)e %er a "in1 for $ood measure' ma1in$ sure t%at t%ere's no "ay for %er to mean' "%y beat around t%e fuc1in$ bus%/ $uess

can't blame %er* For1s is a pile of crap compared to 5%oeni9* .But only if

=C38= .(ant some music/. "idens' as1' placin$ my ri$%t %and on t%e bac1 of t%e bac1 out of t%e $ara$e* (%en t%e road s"ear' t%at purr

passen$er seat's %eadrest as

spin t%e car around before re))in$ t%e en$ine*

does it for me* Fuc1in$ lo%e my car* .Doesn't really matter'. s%e mutters' sin1in$ do"n in %er seat* And of course' s%e's facin$ t%e fuc1in$ "indo"* 'm %onestly startin$ to "onder if s%e's a s%y $irl* Her clot%es A s1inny 2eans and a se9y top A tell anot%er tale' as does t%e bitc%-bro" s%e s%ot me at brea1fast' but ot%er t%an t%at' s%e's fuc1in$ mute* s%e's too %ot for t%at* c%ec1 %er out from t%e corner of my eye' easily loo1in$ do"n %er clea)a$e* 3ea%' s%e's definitely too %ot to be a $ee1* .Fuc1' you're a 0uiet one'. si$%' reac%in$ t%e main road* turn left' briefly entertain t%e idea of %er bein$ a $ee1' but

dri)in$ to"ard t%e center of t%is s%itty little to"n* (%at t%e fuc1 am For1s* .8d"ard/. (o"* .&%e spea1s*. &%e snorts* .(%ate)er* 3ou "ouldn't by any c%ance 1no" "%ere a $irl can $et some pot around %ere' do ya/. A%' now "e're tal1in$* supposed to s%o" %er' any"ay/ #%ere's nothing fun in

Chapter song .ne Way rip by &il Wayne BPOV .+%' you "anna $et high' Bella/. 8d"ard as1s' loo1in$ a"fully amused* 2ust $i)e %im a nod before returnin$ my $a:e to t%e "indo"* .+1ay' you $ot it*. close my eyes' feelin$ %im speed up t%e car* Be%ind closed lids' see my parents' disappointed loo1s* t's t%e %ad called t%em from

e9pression t%ey'd bot% "ear if t%ey 1ne" "%y

sc%ool' be$$in$ for t%em to come and $et me* And' of course' it %ad to %appen on a #%ursday,t%e day t%ey "ent $rocery s%oppin$ to$et%er before came %ome from sc%ool* #%ursdays "ere t%eir days* +"nin$ t%eir o"n business made it possible for t%em to decide "%en to ta1e time off* Fucking #%ursday put t%em in t%e same car* 7y p%one call sent t%em bot% to a sure deat%* Bot% of t%em* 'oth of my parents* >ust $one* . %a)e a buddy in 5ort A4. tune 8d"ard out* As %ot as %e is' and as muc% as 'd lo)e to $i)e %im one %ellu)a ride' it's t%e last t%in$ need4e)en t%ou$% t%ere's a part of did me tellin$ me it's ine)itable* 8specially if "e're $onna $et %i$%* But if

sleep "it% %im4when I do sleep with him4it "ould 2ust confirm t%e s%it

my so-called friends at my old sc%ool called me' "%ic% in t%e end made me call 7om and Dad to pic1 me up4that day* #%at fuc1in$ #%ursday* .$ou dirty "ucking whore4) . akes nothing "or you to get on your knees, does it() .*anipulati%e bitch4) .&ying slut4) .Fucking skank4) .0ome wrecker4) flinc% as t%e insults play on repeat in my %ead* =C38= 8d"ard tells me to "ait in t%e car "%en "e')e reac%ed an apartment buildin$ in 5ort An$eles* &ike I had plans on coming with him in the "irst place. (%en %e returns' %e says' .All ri$%t* His "in1 doesn't escape my notice* t's 0uite clear t%at %e t%in1s "e're $onna do somet%in$ more t%an smo1in$* remind myself again t%at "it% %im4 But as "e reac% For1s a$ain and 8d"ard turns onto a dirt road' leadin$ fart%er a"ay from ci)ili:ation' can feel reason lea)in$ me* "ill feel s%ouldn't cause trouble, shouldn't sleep 1no" some place secluded*.

%orrible after"ard' but t%at's not enou$% for me to stop* #%e only t%in$ stoppin$ ri$%t no" is t%e car* (e')e reac%ed t%e end of t%e road* .Come on*. He lea)es t%e car* Fuc1 "arnin$ bells* t's 2ust for a little "%ile* ?i$%t/ .(e'll be t%ere in fi)e minutes*. I wasn't asking. (e 1eep "al1in$* 8d"ard's nice enou$% to %elp me o)er a fe" trun1s and smaller boulders* #%rou$% t%e t%ic1 forest' "e "al1* And maybe 8d"ard's ass for a beat or t"o* Hell' ha%e done "orse* $uess focus on breat%in$* could')e done "orse* follo" silently*

Fi)e minutes later' "e reac% a small %untin$ cabin* t loo1s abandoned' but a closer loo1 tells me t%at t%is is probably one of t%ose places 8d"ard )isits e)ery once in a "%ile* 7aybe "it% %is friends* #%ere are a fe" beer cans' empty bottles' ci$arette butts' and food containers* #%e inside isn't impressi)e,2ust one sin$le room,but for t%is' it's perfect* #%ere's a couc%' a coffee table' a fe" c%airs' and a t"in bed* #%ere's a faint smell of pot in %ere* Lin$erin$* .Home' s"eet %ome'. 8d"ard 2o1es' ploppin$ do"n on t%e bed* +f course %e'd $o for t%e bed* Hormonal fuc1in$ teena$er* .C'mere*. He pats t%e spot ne9t to %im' smir1in$* . "on't bite* 6nless t%at's "%at you li1e*.

5athetic* "al1 o)er to t%e tiny bed* t loo1s clean' but should care* .Consider yourself luc1y' Bella'. %e c%uc1les 0uietly as ed$e of t%e bed* sit do"n on t%e "onder if it really is*

lean do"n to untie my s%oes* .3ou're t%e first $irl ')e

brou$%t %ere* +nly 8mmett and 5eter 1no" about t%is place*. .Luc1y me'. deadpan* #%e bed crea1s a little as fall bac1 a$ainst t%e

mattress* .>ust li$%t up t%e 2oint' "ill ya/. (it% us bein$ so close' t%e last t%in$

si$%' $ettin$ comfortable*

can feel %is lau$%ter rat%er t%an %ear it* His

s%oulders s%a1e sli$%tly but' luc1ily' %e 1eeps %is mout% s%ut* (ords are need ri$%t no"*

breat%e in deeply' smellin$ t%e %ea)y scent of pot* t's 0uiet and peaceful* .Here'. %e mumbles' all traces of %umor $one' and t%en %e places t%e lit 2oint at my lips* He %olds it "%ile one to see %o" stron$ it is* at my face* e9%ale as %e ta1es a deep dra$* *ore* (%en %e places t%e 2oint for me to ta1e anot%er pull' %e leans do"n a fe" more inc%es* feel %is fin$ers on my lips as in%ale* ta1e a dra$' not a bi$ one* +ne to test' %old t%e smo1e in my lun$s' feelin$ my eyes

"ell up a little* 8d"ard's close' propped up on %is elbo" and loo1in$ do"n

.Close your eyes'. %e "%ispers* His s"eet breat% "afts o)er my face' and obey %im' closin$ my eyes as E6hale. t doesn't ta1e lon$ before 'm completely rela9ed* Not mo)in$ a sin$le muscle* .+pen your mout%*. #%e 2oint fi::les and crac1les 0uietly "%en %e ta1es a pull from it' and 1no" t%at %e's "ants me to s%ot$un %im* do* &oft lips touc% mine' and A$ain' breat%e in "%en %e breat%es out* %old my o"n breat%*

%old t%e smo1e* But t%is time' t%ere's more pleasure* s%i)er and

He mo)es %is mout% to 1iss my nec1* &lo"ly' sensually* release a breat%*

.Fuc1' you're so %ot'. %e "%ispers a$ainst my s1in* #%rou$% t"o layers of denim' can feel %is dic1 on my t%i$%* Hard' so %ard' ma1in$ me "et' so "et* His ton$ue darts out' and anot%er s%i)er runs t%rou$% me "%en %e drops an openmout%ed 1iss belo" my ear* .7ore'. moan softly*

7y nipples constrict a$ainst t%e lacy bra 'm "earin$* (e're "earin$ "ay too muc%* (e s%ould rectify t%at* .Fuck'. %e curses' liftin$ %is %ead* don't loo1 a"ay from %im as open my eyes to meet %is dar1 ones*

ta1e anot%er dra$' and %e doesn't loo1

a"ay from me' eit%er* . "ant to fin$er you*.

smir1 la:ily' feelin$ my eyes $la:e o)er* . s t%at all/. His smir1 is 2ust as la:y* .No*. He s%a1es %is %ead slo"ly* . "ant to fuc1 you' too*. breat%e in s%a1ily* 7y panties are soa1ed* .But "ant to fin$er-fuc1 you first*. lic1 my lips and nod* #%at's all %e needs before closin$ %is mout% o)er mine* He 1isses me forcefully and deeply' pus%in$ %is ton$ue into my mout%* t ma1es me "%imper* Fuc1' it sets me on "ire* But t%en %e's $one* He puts out t%e 2oint and tells me to strip* (%ic% Li1e a s"immer* Lean' but muscular* .1esus' you're se9y'. %e breat%es out* He 1neels in bet"een my parted le$s* 7y eyes are on %is coc1* Not t%e bi$$est ')e %ad' but definitely big* Bi$ enou$% to ma1e me feel stretc%ed and properly filled* And %ard* .3ou s%a)e'. %e murmurs %us1ily and lic1s %is lips* inside of me' and %um "%en %e traces a sin$le fin$er alon$ t%e len$t% of my pussy* .Damn' baby*. He pus%es one arc% my bac1' "antin$ more' more' more* .Fuc1in$ ta1e a picture of t%is/ No faces' %ell' Bella'. %e moans' loo1in$ up at me* He 1eeps fin$erin$ me slo"ly and deeply* . 4. He s"allo"s* .&%it' can 2ust4your pussy and my fin$ers*. -o. -e%er. hat's stupid. It could come back to haunt me. It can hurt me. Forget it. .+1ay'. e9%ale* do* (e're all %ands "%ile "e $et rid of our clot%es* .h, my #od* His body is4so %ot*

t's ob)ious t%at %e didn't e9pect me to a$ree' and some"%ere inside of me' don't* But 'm beyond carin$*

He practically sali)atin$ as %e fin$ers me' all "%ile clic1in$ off s%ots on %is i5%one* #rue to %is "ord' %e only ta1es pictures of my pussy and %is

fin$ers* He e)en s%o"s me t%em' and4t%ey're fuc1in$ %ot* He t%in1s so' too* At least' %is lea1in$ coc1 says so* .+%' fuc1'. moan' t%ro"in$ my %ead bac1* He can use %is fin$ers* !hit'

%e can really use %is fin$ers* #%e spots %e finds' t%e speed' t%e pressure' t%e %eat' t%e tin$lin$4 .Edward4. He almost ma1es me arc% off t%e bed* .Holy fuc1'. %e "%impers* 3es' whimpers* .Come on' baby* Let me see you*. And t%en %e co)ers my body "it% %is* He 1isses me frantically' %otly' "etly' and t%rusts %is %ips a$ainst me at t%e same pace %e fin$ers me* #"o' t%ree fin$ers inside of me* moan loudly and clin$ to %im* fist %is %air and return t%e 1iss as passionately as possibly can* t's a fren:y*

#%e fire is spreadin$ t%rou$% me* He's $ot me so fuc1in$ "or1ed up' it's insane* His t%umb pressin$ do"n circles on my clit sends me into $oddamn obli)ion* 5retty sure %e ma1es me scream as .Fuc1' fuc1' fuc1' fuc1'. t's li1e 'm under "ater* And before can return to reality' %is fin$ers are replaced by %is coc1* come*

%ear %im c%antin$4some"%ere*

c%o1e on a moan* .+%' #od'. %e $roans loudly a$ainst my nec1' and t%en %e's poundin$ into me* t's "ild' "it% not%in$ %eld bac1* He's rou$%,so far from $entle*

7y le$s are suddenly "rapped around %im* #%e an$le brin$s %im deeper and deeper* #%ere's no stoppin$* He's forceful and relentless* But %e's $ood* He's so fuc1in$ $ood* #%rou$% s%arp t%rusts' %e bot% ta1es and $i)es* But4 .Condom'. mana$e to "%ee:e out*

.Fuck t%at'. %e all but growls out* . "on't come in you' but4"uck, "uck, uungh4 $otta feel4all of you*. pus% do"n t%e )oice of reason' $ettin$ lost in t%e pleasure a$ain* Ho"e)er' 'm not .lost. for lon$* 8d"ard is a teena$e boy* &oon' %e pulls out of me and stro1es %imself rou$%ly as %e comes on t%e mattress* #%ree' four' fi)e streams' and a little one t%at tric1les do"n %is coc1 and %is %and* #%e si$%t of %im sends t%e umpteent% s%i)er t%rou$% me* His %ea)in$ c%est' %is Adam's apple as %e s"allo"s' t%e small beads of s"eat on %is fore%ead' %is sli$%tly flus%ed c%ee1s* .7ot%erfuc1in'4. He pants and drops %is c%in to %is c%est* #%e eup%oria is seepin$ out of me' ta1in$ a little of t%e %i$% "it% it* ?eality isn't as fun* (%ile %e reco)ers' sit up and put on my clot%es a$ain*

Condom, condom, condom* #%e fuc1er didn't use a condom* .Ne9t time' use a $oddamn rubber'. spit out' reac%in$ for my s%oes*

He c%uc1les breat%lessly* .Ne9t time/. $i)e %im a $lare* (e bot% 1no" t%ere "ill be more* (e're $oin$ to li)e to$et%er' for fuc1's sa1e* #%ere's no use in pretendin$*

.All ri$%t' all ri$%t'. %e lau$%s' puttin$ up %is %ands in surrender* . 2ust don't see t%e fuc1in$ problem*. arc% a bro"' "onderin$ if %e's mentally c%allen$ed* . didn't come in you'. %e points out* roll my eyes and %e $ets out of t%e bed to redress* First of all' can still

$et 1noc1ed up,e)en if %e doesn't come in me,'cause %is dic1 isn't e9actly closed off "%ile fuc1in$ me* But it's t%e .second of all. t%at bot%ers me* . don't "anna catc% anyt%in$ from t%e pre)ious s1an1s you')e fuc1ed*. mean' let's be %onest* t's 0uite clear t%at 8d"ard %as a ne%er $o "it%out protection* "ant to hit %im; .(ell' casual )ie" on se9* &o do ' but .&%it'

didn't t%in1 of t%at'. %e mutters' and

you're safe'. %e says' steppin$ into %is 2eans* .But am I/. .(%at/. as1' irritated*

He "a)es a %and at my pussy* +rticulate asshole* . ')e ne)er fuc1ed "it%out a condom before* &o' you're safe* But am +%* .3ea%' you're safe*. He $rins* .<ood* &o' are "e cool/ 3ou trust me and s%it/. .(%y t%e fuc1 s%ould you' 8d"ard*. #%e bastard pretends to be "ounded by placin$ a %and o)er %is %eart* #%e smir1 tells it all' t%ou$%* . 'm %urt' Bella* (e're practically family*. .(%ate)er'. mutter' "a)in$ %im off* 2ust "ant to $et bac1 to my room trust you/. c%uc1le %umorlessly* . barely know safe/.

no"* #%e fun is o)er* .Ne9t time' use a condom*. .Fine'. %e si$%s* (%en "e $et bac1 outside' %e surprises me by $rabbin$ my %and* .(ait'. %e says' and turn around to face %im* .89clusi)e' yea%/.

What( .89clusi)e/. He nods* .Don't fuc1 anybody else "%en you're fuc1in$ me*. can't %elp but lau$%* .3ou %a)e not%in$ to "orry about' 8d"ard* supposed to fuc1 you' muc% less anyone else*. "asn't

don't need more drama

in my life* .89clusi)e sounds $ood' but it's a t"o-"ay street' all ri$%t/. . "ouldn't tell you to stay a"ay from ot%er dic1s if do you ta1e me for/. He really doesn't "ant me to ans"er t%at 0uestion* =C38= After a 0uiet dinner "it% 8d"ard and 8sme' 'm told t%at t%ere's a party in 5ort An$eles* Apparently' before dinner' 8d"ard "as %oled up in %is room' ma1in$ plans "it% %is friends* +r somet%in$* He as1s me if "ant to ta$ a$ree alon$' and seein$ as t%e Cullens' %ouse frea1s me out a little' didn't plan on doin$

t%e same* But "it% pussy'. %e lau$%s' and "e start "al1in$ a$ain* .(%at

"it%out missin$ a beat* +1ay' it doesn't really frea1 me out' but t%ere's a not-so-pleasant )ibe about t%e massi)e %ouse* Besides' it's eit%er $oin$ to a party or stayin$ in my room' cryin$ o)er my parents* .Don't "ait up' 7om;. 8d"ard calls out as "e lea)e* He doesn't stic1 around for a response* nstead' %e 2ust dra$s me out to %is car* $uess t%e clot%es c%an$ed into after dinner %a)e earned %is appro)al' 'cause boy can't ta1e %is eyes off my le$s* .&o' denim s1irts are o1ay in your boo1/. as1 casually' slidin$ into t%e

passen$er seat* f %e li1es my rat%er s%ort s1irt' %e's probably $oin$ to li1e my top' too* t's 2ust a simple "ife-beater in blac1' but it's ti$%t' and

my bra pus%es my tits up perfectly* #%at's for later' t%ou$%* For no"' %a)e a snu$ dar1 bro"n %oodie o)er it* t matc%es my bro"n C%uc1s* 8d"ard closes my door, 1no"' %o" c%i)alrous,and rounds t%e car' not ans"erin$ my r%etorical 0uestion until %e's peelin$ out of t%e dri)e"ay* .3ou can say t%at'. %e replies 0uietly' reac%in$ o)er to place %is %and on my na1ed t%i$%* Bi$ %and' lon$ fin$ers* He's not s%y' t%at's for sure* #%en a$ain' neit%er am * .By t%e "ay' stay close to me toni$%t*. A small lau$% escapes my lips' and 'm surprised* .(%at do you mean by that/. 'm not loo1in$ for someone to piss on my le$* boyfriend* #%e last one stabbed me in t%e bac1' so %appen a$ain* And Alec "as supposed to be a $oddamn adult* . 'm perfectly capable of ta1in$ care of myself'. o)er my c%est* . 'm sure you are'. %e c%uc1les and steps on t%e $as* .But need people add' foldin$ my arms can't say 'm loo1in$ for t%at to don't "ant a fuc1in$

to understand t%at you're off limits* 3ou're mine no"' #in1s*. inks( .(%o t%e %ell do you t%in1 you are' you pric1/. possession you can control*. Been t%ere' done t%at* .Calm your tits' Bella'. %e lau$%s' only infuriatin$ me more* .#%is is 2ust %o" s%it is* Fuc1in$ deal "it% it* As lon$ as you and are fuc1in$' ot%er snap* . 'm not a fuc1in$

dudes need to 1no" not to come on to you* And 'm 8d"ard Cullen' all ri$%t/ 7y "ord is la"*. Can't fuc1in$ belie%e t%is* .3ou're serious'. say incredulously* don't

He 1eeps %is eyes on t%e road' noddin$ slo"ly* .(it%out a doubt*

"ant to %a)e to loo1 o)er my s%oulder and see some douc%e tryin$ to score "it% you* &o' if you 2ust stay "it% me toni$%t' people "ill 1no"* promise' it "on't $et bac1 to my parents*. 8arlier,after our .$rand tour of For1s.,%e told me not to say a "ord about us to %is fol1s* 'Cause that "as my plan* &arcasm* .No' you 2ust "ant t%e entire sc%ool to 1no"'. .3es*. &on of a bitc%* .(ell' you can for$et it'. %uff* respond sarcastically*

.7eally/. He %ums' appearin$ to be amused* .&o' you're o1ay "it% $irls flirtin$ "it% me' t%en/. Honestly/ . couldn't $i)e t"o s%its about t%at* As lon$ as t%ey 1eep t%eir %ands to t%emsel)es*. 'm not t%e 2ealous type* 5lus,li1e know 8d"ard* already fuc1in$ told %im, barely 1no",

%a)e not%in$ to co)et* His fin$ers are ma$ic' %is coc1

1no"s %o" to "or1 me' and %is body is perfection but' as far as He's pompous and coc1y* <oddamn conceited* .A%*. He nods* .But t%ey "on't' Bella*. &ee/ He's so fuc1in$ full of %imself*

"%at ')e come to understand,is t%at 8d"ard Cullen is an arro$ant pric1*

. spea1 from e9perience'. %e adds' $i)in$ me a "in1* .(%ore'. belie)e cou$%' and t%e "ord ec%oes in my %ead after"ard* can't

2ust said t%at* 8)en as a %alf-2o1e* #%e use of t%at "ord almost didn't deser)e to be called t%at*

slams me bac1 to my life in Ari:ona*

8d"ard' on t%e ot%er %and' responds by bar1in$ out a loud lau$%* .+%' Bella*. He s%a1es %is %ead* .3ou don't 1no" "%at you're tal1in$ about*. He's "ron$* 8d"ard isn't t%e first pric1 ')e encountered* 7y old sc%ool is full of idiots li1e 8d"ard* #%ey're $reat in t%e sac1' but t%ey lea)e a lot to be desired in e)ery ot%er department* #%e c%eerleaders and )arious s1an1s "%o "ant t%em as boyfriends are 2ust delusional* <uys li1e 8d"ard don't 1no" %o" to 1eep it in t%eir pants for lon$* .Li1e you %a)en't slept your "ay t%rou$% For1s already'. my $a:e to t%e "indo"* . "asn't born yesterday*. .Li1e said*. He clears %is t%roat* .3ou don't 1no" "%at you're tal1in$ mutter' turnin$

about*. And lea)e it t%ere' 'cause suddenly feel drained* #%ere's no fi$%t in me*

5lus' if

let 8d"ard .sta1e %is fuc1in$ claim.' ot%er $uys "ill bac1 off'

"%ic% is a $ood t%in$ for me* need alco%ol* =C38= (%en "e arri)e in 5ort An$eles' 'm at least $lad 8d"ard's not treatin$ me li1e a $irl made out of $lass* #%ere's no s"eetness* &ure' %e opens my door' %e tends to call me .baby.' and %e drapes an arm around me* But it could')e been "orse* He could %old my %and' %e could 1iss me s"eetly' or

%e could caress my fuc1in$ c%ee1' at "%ic% desi$ner label mot%erfuc1in$ s%oes* 8d"ard isn't s"eet* He's possessi)e*

"ould')e )omited all o)er %is

As "e "al1 up t%e pat%' leadin$ to a t"o-story %ouse' se)eral people "%o are in t%e front yard stare at 8d"ard "it% "ide eyes* Li1e %e's <and%i or4 maybe Hitler* 3ea%' 'cause t%ere's definitely fear in some people's eyes* >esus fuc1in$ C%rist' "%at %as 8d"ard done to ma1e people scared of %im/ .(%at are you "earin$ under t%at s"eats%irt/. %e as1s' peerin$ do"n at my c%est* (ell' no one can mista1e %im for bein$ a $ro"nup* .A beater'. .-ice*. >ac1ass* .&o' "%ose %ouse is t%is/. as1* #%e fact t%at 'm $oin$ to meet my si$% as "e "al1 up t%e porc% steps*

future classmates,or some of t%em,at a party and not in sc%ool' yea%' t%at feels a bit odd' but "%ate)er* . %a)e no idea'. %e c%uc1les in response* .But "%o cares/. And t%en "e're inside* #%e music is loud and t%ere are drun1en people e)ery"%ere* Holy s%it* .7y friends are in t%e li)in$ room'. %e murmurs in my ear* .3ou smell $ood' by t%e "ay*. He ta1es anot%er "%iff' t%en strai$%tens and leads me t%rou$% t%e %ouse until "e find t%e li)in$ room* .+i' Cullen's %ere;. .+)er %ere' man;.

.Hey' Cullen;. .Cullen;. .<ood <od'. mutter' "atc%in$ is disbelief as e)eryone 2ust ma1es room as1 an %onest 0uestion in 8d"ard's ear* . f you

for 8d"ard* t's li1e "atc%in$ t%e partin$ of t%e ?ed &ea' for fuc1's sa1e* &tandin$ on my tiptoes' ridiculous* 8d"ard's not e)en a 2oc1* n fact,accordin$ to 8sme,%e's a strai$%t-A student* .3ou mi$%t as "ell $et used to it' baby'. %e replies' 1issin$ t%e spot belo" my ear' "%ic% %is friends see* t's comical %o" t%eir eyes "iden* . 'm t%e 1in$ %ere*. roll my eyes* .No"' let's $et comfortable'. %e says' us%erin$ me to t%e couc%* &aid couc% "as,up until a moment a$o,occupied* But "%en 8d"ard's in t%e room' %e can sit "%ere)er t%e fuc1 %e "ants' and no" %e "ants us on t%e couc%* He sits in t%e middle' o"nin$ it* Li1e a se9y )ersion of Al Bundy* !ans t%e %and do"n %is pants,t%an1 #od* And it's easy to see t%at 8d"ard is a .t%e. person* He's not 8d"ard Cullen* He's the 8d"ard Cullen* 5eople 1no" of %im' about %im* And sit ne9t to %im* (it% 8d"ard's arm restin$ be%ind me' on t%e bac1 of t%e couc%* By no"' %is friends are smir1in$* .3ou "or1 fast' man'. a $uy,"%o could be a linebac1er,lau$%s as %e and 8d"ard bump fists* .&o' t%is is t%e ne" c%ic1' e%/. 8d"ard smir1s* .3ea%* <uys' t%is is Bella* Bella'. %e tilts %is %ead in my direction' .t%at's 8mmett'. %e points at t%e linebac1er' .and t%ere's 5eter' say '2ump'' "ill t%ey as1 %o" %i$%/. 'm seriously "onderin$' 'cause t%is is

#yler' 7i1e' 8ric' and t%e bitc% t%at 2ust sat do"n on 8mmett's lap is ?osalie*. .Fuc1 you' Cullen'. ?osalie spits out' $larin$ at 8d"ard before facin$ me "it% a softer e9pression* .Nice to meet you' Bella* But taste in men is despicable*. 8d"ard flips %er off before sayin$ somet%in$ to45eter' "as* can't %elp but lau$% at t%at* too' ?osalie*. .?ose'. s%e corrects before tippin$ bac1 %er beer bottle* Lea)in$ 8mmett's lap' s%e "al1s o)er and sits do"n ne9t to me on t%e couc%' and can see t%at 8d"ard and %is friends are already busy tal1in$ about4"%ate)er* .&o' %e snatc%ed you up pretty fast'. ?ose mentions 0uietly' e)en leanin$ in a little* .Didn't you 2ust arri)e/. .3esterday'. c%uc1le dryly* .For t%e record' t%ou$%' %e %asn't snatc%ed $otta $et t%is s%it ri$%t* t%in1 li1e t%is c%ic1* .Nice to meet you' t%in1 %is name $otta say your

me up' as you put it*.

&%e smir1s* .>ust se9' t%en/. .(ell' it sure as %ell isn't for %is s"eet personality*. .Ha; +1ay' li1e you' Bella'. s%e lau$%s* .>ust4. &%e leans in a$ain*

.7a1e sure %e "raps it' 'cause %e %as four s1an1s %ere in 5ort A at %is bec1 and call*. 7ot%er4"ucker; f %e's $i)en me an &#D' .Does %e no"/. "ill cut %is fuc1in$ dic1 off "it% a rusty 1nife*

respond' $rittin$ my teet% to$et%er*

?ose nods* .He doesn't do %i$% sc%ool students' but %e %as a fe" $irls o)er at t%e community colle$e %ere in 5ort An$eles*. &%e scans t%e cro"d %ere in t%e li)in$ room* .(ouldn't be surprised if at least one of t%em is %ere*. #%at's "%en feel 8d"ard's %and on my nec1' and %e presses t"o fin$ers

a$ainst my 2a"' ma1in$ me face %im* He leans in' too* .3ou t"o can't "%isper for s%it' Bella'. %e murmurs* An in)oluntary s%i)er rips t%rou$% me "%en t%e tip of %is ton$ue brus%es my earlobe* .And you* ')e al"ays used rubber before*. %uff and lean bac1 a little* . %a)e no reason to trust you'. an$rily* . s"ear to all t%at is %oly' 8d"ard' if you4. to continue "it%out s%outin$* reali:e t%at all my an$er isn't directed at %im' t%ou$%* 'm furious "it% myself' too* "as stupid enou$% to 2ump into bed "it% a $uy %ardly 1no"' all "%ile bein$ %i$% as a fuc1in$ 1ite* s%ould')e 1no"n better* say 0uietly' fuc1in$ told

trail off' too pissed

.Feel free to $et tested'. %e replies "it% a s%ru$* .But 'm clean*. si$% and let it $o for no"* All . need a drin1'. "ant is alco%ol*

announce' ma1in$ a mo)e to stand up* can* .As1 and you s%all recei)e' baby*. He lets

8d"ard stops me before out a s%arp "%istle' and4

.6nbelie)able*. 'm in disbelief a$ain* &ome dude "al1s o)er "it% t"o unopened beers and %ands t%em o)er* .Here ya $o'. 8d"ard c%uc1les' remo)in$ t%e cap from one of t%em before %andin$ me t%e bottle* .8n2oy it' #in1s*. #%ere it is a$ain* .#%at's t%e second time you')e called me t%at*.

He "in1s* .Don't t%in1

didn't notice t%e in1 on your %ip earlier*. +%' find myself

ri$%t* hat* .3ea%' fuc1in$ hot*. He lic1s %is lips' "atc%in$ me %un$rily* t ma1es me clenc% my t%i$%s to$et%er* A$ain' %e leans in' and nec1* . almost came "%en 3ngh* (it%out c%an$in$ %is position on t%e couc%' %e tilts our %eads to$et%er and 1isses me slo"ly' seducti)ely' la:ily' tastin$ me "it% %is ton$ue* And if t%is is t%e reaction tomorro"* . assume it "as t%e in1 and not t%e ima$e itself'. as %e nibbles on my bottom lip* c%uc1le breat%lessly $et from a tattoo' "onder "%at 'll $et "%en tell %im t%at my ton$ue is pierced* ma1e a mental note to put in a piercin$ sa" it*. leanin$ in' too* .&eriously' baby'. %e "%ispers in bet"een 1isses on my

He c%uc1les' too* .#%e in1* Definitely t%e in1*. 'm relie)ed* 'Cause t%e tattoo is of #in1erbell' and t%ou$% it's desi$ned to be a se6y )ersion of #in1erbell' it's still a )ery $irly tattoo* Had 8d"ard lo)ed t%e fact t%at it's a

cartoon fairy'

"ould')e been "orried* But

c%ose #in1erbell for a reason'

and it's for t%at same reason

brea1 t%e 1iss and c%u$ do"n some beer*

.#%ere's a story be%ind t%at tattoo' isn't t%ere/. %e as1s' studyin$ me closely* .3our eyes 2ust c%an$ed*. 7y bro"s 1nit to$et%er* 0ow the "uck did he notice( force a smile* . t's not%in$*. Despite %is ob)ious doubt' %e lets it $o' and return my attention to ?ose

for a "%ile* &%e's tal1in$ to some c%ic1 "%o s%e introduces me to* C%arlotte* &%e's datin$ 5eter' apparently* And for t%e ne9t %our or so' t%ey fill me in on a fe" t%in$s about For1s Hi$%' t%e people "%o $o t%ere' and some ot%er s%it* #%e only e)idence of 8d"ard's presence is t%e occasional touc% on my t%i$% and 1iss on my nec1* +t%er t%an t%at' %e's busy "it% %is friends* %ear t%em lau$%' tal1 about sports' and see t%em drin1' but t%at's it* (e all remain seated around t%e coffee table* Drin1in$' lau$%in$' tal1in$* #%e $irls in one $roup and t%e $uys in anot%er* (e're in a bubble' but t%at's not to say t%at around us' outside of our .$roup.' 'cause don't notice t%e people

sure as s%it do* 7y arri)al in

to"n is e)idently a reason for $ossip and "%ispers* &ame s%it' different to"n' really*

Chapter song Daddy's Eyes by he 8illers BPOV .#ime to $o'. si$% in frustration* #%e si$% is soon replaced by a $runt as

try to pull 8d"ard off t%e couc%* He's so s%itfaced* . t's t%ree in t%e fuc1in$ mornin$' Cullen*. .Don't call me t%at'. %e slurs* Finally' 8mmett %elps me' and soon 8d"ard on bot% %is feet* His arm $oes around my s%oulders' and %a)e place a

%and on %is stomac% to steady %im* He's li1e Bambi' only "orse* . 'm tellin$-in$ you' #in1s4. He dips do"n and nu::les my nec1* .Don't call me Cullen-en*. .Fine'. reply dryly' slo"ly "al1in$ us to"ard t%e door* . "on't call you

Cullenen*. A$ain' it's li1e t%e partin$ of t%e ?ed &ea* 8)eryone ma1es space for 8d"ard' albeit slo"er t%is time* 7aybe because no one at t%is party can %andle t%eir li0uor* . 'm serious' Bella'. %e mutters drun1enly "%en "e finally reac% t%e door* No" 2ust need to $et %im to t%e car* .E%eryone calls me t%at' and4. He ma1es a "eird %and $esture* .But you're not allo"ed*. si$%* . s t%at supposed to be an insult/. .No' t%e opp'site'. %e %iccups' ma1in$ me lau$% 0uietly* .3ou %a)e a beautiful fuc1in$ smile' #in1s*. And my lau$% dies* .We ha%e to keep this 9uiet, Isabella. I lo%e you so much, but we can't risk getting caught.)

.$ou're so ama,ing, lo%e. .nly one semester le"t, and then we can be together.) .Do you know how much your pretty smile owns me( I'd do anything "or you.) .!oon, Isabella. 1ust keep 9uiet a little longer.) .!mile "or me, sweetness. I need you to smile "or me. $ou're not gi%ing up on me, are you() <od' %o" fuc1in$ clueless and naB)e .<i)e me your 1eys' Cullen-. He s%uts me up by pressin$ %is lips to mine* ?i$%t t%ere' ne9t to %is car* .8d"ard'. %e mumbles' pec1in$ me* .Not fuc1in' Cullen*. And t%is is disturbin$* Affection isn't my t%in$* t's all bulls%it* &ies* 'm a $ood fuc1* #%at's it* #%at's all* t's "%at ')e been told* .3ou're a fuc1in$ $irl'. me t%e 1eys' Edward*. He fro"ns and leans bac1 a$ainst %is car* .(%at's your problem/. .Not%in$;. $roan* t's late' %a)e a %eadac%e' remember too muc%* . si$%* .Bac1 to For1s* tell %im' bac1in$ a"ay* crin$e at t%e s%i)er t%at "as*

runs t%rou$% me* #%e last t%in$

need is to $et played a$ain* .No"' $i)e

2ust "ant to $o4. 0ome/ need to sleep*.

don't ha%e a %ome*

.(ell4. A slo" smir1 ta1es o)er %is features* . 'm t%e on-only one allo"ed to d-dri)e my Aston*. 3ea%' %e tells me t%is as %e %ands o)er t%e 1ey*

&moot% operator* t ta1es a "%ile' but e)entually t%e passen$er's seat' and t%en t%is* Hell' "%en or$asm* .&a)or t%e moment' #in1s'. %e ya"ns* (%ate)er* =C38= #%e %ouse is 0uiet and dar1 "%en "e $et bac1' and 'm a little surprised t%at 8sme doesn't "a1e up "%en %elp 8d"ard up t%e stairs' 'cause %e's not )ery 0uiet* For t%e record' 8d"ard can't sin$ to sa)e %is fuc1in$ life' but t%at doesn't stop %im from tryin$* .>esus' 8d"ard'. breat%e out "%en %e almost "al1s into a "all* .<et a mana$e to $et 8d"ard's drun1 ass into ta1e t%e "%eel* &%it* Feels li1e po"er'

re) t%e en$ine' 'm pretty sure 'm close to %a)in$ an

$oddamn $rip' "ill ya/. He $i$$les* +wesome* #%an1fully' reac% %is bedroom t%en* s"in$ it open' all but pus%in$

8d"ard inside* .#ryin$ to $et into m-my be-ed' baby/. %e slurs' smir1in$ la:ily* eyes at %im and lead %im o)er to %is bed* +nce t%ere' and pus% t%em do"n %is %ips* #%en for ya*. He "a$$les %is eyebro"s as fuc1/. roll my

unbutton %is 2eans

let $o' 1no"in$ t%at %e's $oin$ to %elp %im "it% %is s%oes* .(anna

fall bac1 a$ainst t%e bed' "%ic% %e does* .Damn' #in1s' 'm $ettin$ %ard

really don't* .<et some sleep' 8d"ard'. before

si$%* His 2eans and s%oes are mumble

off* &ame $oes for %is 2ac1et* #%at'll do* .&ee ya tomorro"'. lea)e %is room* He's already snorin$* aim for t%e bat%room*

nstead of $oin$ strai$%t to bed' li1e

need a s%o"er' can

al"ays do* #ime to "as% a"ay t%e filt% of t%e day* Not t%at

actually $et rid of it* t's al"ays t%ere* (%en t%e %ot "ater runs do"n my body' scrub until my s1in is red* ?eli$iously* . 'm sorry'. breat%e out* Faces flas% before my eyes* #%eir e9pressions s0uee:e my eyes s%ut*

c%an$e* #ears burn be%ind my closed lids* 7y parents' my so-called friends' Alice' t%e cops "%en t%ey s%o"ed up at sc%ool' Alec4 . 'm so sorry4. "is% could be someone $ood* A person my parents "ere proud of*

Not a "%ore* Not a $ullible little $irl* Not a runa"ay* =C38= EPOV 7ot%erfuc1in$ %eadac%e* After my mornin$ s%o"er' $o do"nstairs to %unt for food*

.<ood mornin$' %oney'. 7om $reets me from t%e sto)e* .Did you and Bella come in late/.

.No fuc1in' idea'.

mutter in my mornin$ )oice* . need coffee*.

.Comin$ ri$%t up'. s%e says' smilin$* .Bella's in t%e dinin$ room already* #a1e a seat and 'll brin$ you brea1fast*. .All ri$%t*. And' of course' #in1s %as to loo1 fuc1in$ %ot t%is mornin$* &%e may call "%at s%e's "earin$ pa2amas' but t%at s1in s%o"in$* 7aybe .7ornin$'. call it ma2or coc1teasin$* 5a2ama s%orts' endin$ mid-t%i$%' and a blac1 "ife-beater* <oddamn ponytail* All can tal1 %er into anot%er )isit to t%e cabin*

ya"n' ta1in$ my seat across from %er*

&%e doesn't e)en loo1 up from %er plate* .<ood mornin$'. s%e mumbles 0uietly* sco"l* (ould it fuc1in$ 1ill %er to smile/ .Here you $o' %oney'. 7om says' appearin$ in t%e dinin$ room "it% my brea1fast* .(%at are your plans for t%e day/. .#%an1s'. mutter' di$$in$ into my toast* As for %er 0uestion' s%ru$* need to

%a)e no idea "%at today's plan is* (ell' t%ere are a fe" t%in$s $et done' preferably ri$%t after brea1fast' but after t%at4

. f you don't %a)e any t%in$ planned' maybe you could $i)e Bella a ride to 5ort An$eles/. coc1 a bro" at %er* .(%y/. #%en loo1 o)er at #in1s* .(%at's in 5ort A/.

7om ans"ers for %er* .3our fat%er called earlier*. returnin$ yet' is %e/

stiffen* He's not

mean' s%e told me %e "asn't comin$ bac1 until

#%ursday* .And %e said t%at Bella's ne" car %as arri)ed at t%e dealers%ip*. .h* . really don't need my o"n car' 8sme'. #in1s says 0uietly* .+f course you do' s"eetie'. 7om replies' smilin$ all mot%erly and s%it* .(%at 1ind of car is it/. as1' reac%in$ for my coffee*

Better not be a blac1 Aston* But 1no" it's $oin$ to be an e9pensi)e car* #%at's 2ust %o" Dad is* &%it's

$otta be perfect* .A 5orsc%e' belie)e Carlisle told me'. 7om says' and nod slo"ly as

blo" on t%e too-fuc1in$-%ot coffee* .And coc1 a bro"* .7odel/. .+%'

t%in1 it's dar1 $reen*.

don't 1no" suc% t%in$s'. 7om c%uc1les* =C38=

.>esus fuc1'. #in1s mutters' t"irlin$ t%e car 1ey on %er fin$er* 8yes focused on t%e 5orsc%e Cayenne t%at is no" %ers* .Do you s%it money/. snort and %ead bac1 to"ard my car' "%ic% is par1ed ri$%t ne9t to %ers* .As1s t%e millionaire*. Her parents left %er a fuc1load of money after t%ey died* Life insurance' a successful $amin$ company' a %ouse' stoc1s' a )acation %ome in Florida4it's all been li0uidated no"' so #in1s s%ouldn't fuc1in$ tal1 about money* .#%e cabin/. need to $et %i$%* as1 o)er my s%oulder*

need to $et laid* Honestly' and don't 1no" "%at it is about t%at c%ic1' but t%ere's somet%in$4

"ant more of it* Her* t* (%ate)er*

.Lead t%e "ay'. s%e si$%s* &o' do* ma1e a fe" calls*

&ince 'm alone in my car' 8ric 3or1ie first* .0ello() %e ans"ers timidly* Fuc1in$ loser* . t's Cullen'.

say' passin$ t%e si$n t%at tells me 'm speed up see t%at #in1s speeds up'

lea)in$ 5ort A* . need you to do t%e usual for me on 7onday*. and c%ec1 t%e rear)ie" mirror' smir1in$ "%en too* Fuc1' s%e's %ot* .And one more t%in$*. .$es() His )oice crac1s*

lau$% t%rou$% my nose* He's so fuc1in$ scared of me* But %e "ants to $o to colle$e' and pay "ell*

.7a1e sure you drop it off "%en a Bella &"an is ne9t to me*. .3h, that would be the new girl() %e as1s ner)ously* +f course' %e's %eard t%e rumors about my so-called sister* Ha* f #in1s "as my sister' "e'd be some serious frea1s* .3ea%' t%at'd be %er'. reply* . f all $oes "ell' 'll lea)e t"o %undred in

your loc1er by t%e end of t%e day*. (it% t%at said' %an$ up*

Ne9t up is a call to my dealer in 5ort A* t's only a matter of time before %e learns about #in1s' and %er supplier* don't "ant %im to $o near %er* "ant to be mean' it's not li1e 'm $oin$ to c%ar$e %er' but if s%e finds

someone else' s%e mi$%t find anot%er coc1' too* "as fuc1in$ serious "%en told %er t%at "e'd be e9clusi)e' but %a)e no

$oddamn idea "%et%er or not Bella "ill %onor t%at* (%o 1no"s/ 7aybe s%e "as t%e sc%ool slut bac1 in Ari:ona* 'Cause' "%en pus% comes to s%o)e' s%e did spread %er le$s for me pretty fuc1in$ 0uic1ly* And t%en t%ere "as last ni$%t* (%ere t%e %ell did s%e $et off' t%in1in$ t%at some disease spreader/ ')e %ad my four $o-to $irls in 5ort A since lot' considerin$ t%e pussy ')e been offered in t%e past* And a damn condom* (%y into obli)ion' "as lost

my fuc1in$ )ir$inity* Fi)e $irls in all,"ell' si9 countin$ #in1s* #%at's not a always "ear didn't use one "it% Bella is a bit of a "onder for

me' but "%ate)er* After ta1in$ t%ose fuc1%ot s%ots of %er' fin$erin$ %er 2ust %ad to feel all of %er* 'm seriously $oin$ for it a$ain' too* f s%e's %i$% enou$%' s%e mi$%t not remind me of rubber* <oin$ bare "as fuc1in$ $olden* Besides' s%e's probably on t%e pill* Aren't all $irls on t%e pill t%ese days/ 8specially t%ose "%o are se9ually acti)e* 89actly* =C38= .7ot%erfuc1er'. te9t to 8mmett* Cover your fucking dick. e are on our !ay to the ca"in Cullen. curse' slammin$ t%e door s%ut be%ind me* Be%ind me' ta1e out my p%one and fire off a

can %ear #in1s par1in$ %er car* 5issed'

.Are your friends %ere/. #in1s as1s' appearin$ ne9t to me* (%ile s%e's "atc%in$ 8mmett's (ran$ler' 'm $larin$ at t%e red 7C* .Friend* &in$ular'. say bitterly* .#%e red one's ?osalie's*.

&%e c%uc1les as "e lea)e t%e dirt road be%ind* . t%ou$%t it "as no $irls allo"ed*. (ell' it "as supposed to be t%at* brin$in$ ?osalie %ere* Fuc1er* .Dude' are you seriously mad at 8mmett for ta1in$ %is $irlfriend to t%e cabin/. .3es'. say flatly' %oldin$ a branc% out of t%e "ay so t%at s%e can pass* "onder %o" lon$ 8mmett's been

.(e fuc1in$ said t%at "e "ouldn't ta1e c%ic1s %ere*. .But you're brin$in$ me'. s%e points out* .Am not a c%ic1/.

.h, you're a chick, all right. $our tight pussy is proo" o" that. Damn* ad2ust my dic1 as "al1 be%ind %er*

.#%at's different'.

tell %er* .?ules don't apply to me*.

&%e lau$%s mirt%lessly* .<od' you're suc% a fuc1in$ pric1*. 1no"* =C38= 6nsurprisin$ly' 8mmett and ?osalie didn't "ant to lea)e t%e cabin 2ust because #in1s and s%o"ed up* &o' no" it's t%e four of us' smo1in$' am' %o"e)er' listenin$ intently to #in1s and may be more curious about t%an tal1in$4listenin$' in my case* 8mmett's yammerin$ about football' "%ic% couldn't care less about* ?osalie' "%o are tal1in$ about a sub2ect 'd li1e to admit A #in1s' life before For1s* #%e c%ic1s are bot% sittin$ cross-le$$ed on t%e bed' passin$ a 2oint bet"een t%em' "%ile 8mmett and lo)e to fuc1 t%e se9y brunette' are on t%e couc%' and as muc% as 'd sit still' listenin$* ?osalie' %a)in$ %eard

me callin$ Bella .#in1s.' as1ed "%y a fe" moments a$o* A part of me didn't "ant #in1s to ans"er* (ell' not to %er* %onestly don't 1no" "%y 1inda call %er t%at all of a sudden but' after seein$ %er se9y tattoo' tense' 'cause 'ella did ans"er ?osalie's 0uestion* . t's sorta in memory of my best friend from bac1 %ome'. s%e'd said' to "%ic% ?osalie %ad as1ed follo"-up 0uestions* Duestions t%at 'm no" a"aitin$ t%e ans"ers to* f #in1s could 2ust pass bac1 t%e 2oint to Blondie* Finally s%e does' and t%en "ait anot%er fe" seconds before s%e's

en2oyed 1no"in$ a part of %er t%at no one else 1ne"* Kne"' as in past

e9%aled t%e smo1e in %er lun$s* C%rist' s%e's so %ot t%at it almost %urts* .Her name "as Alice'. s%e says la:ily' 0uietly' sadly* Was( ?osalie' "%o %as %er bac1 to me' as1s t%e 0uestion .Her name was Alice/. #in1s loo1s do"n at %er lap* .3ea%' s%e died "%en "e "ere fifteen*. 1esus* 8mmett %ands me t%e 2oint "e s%are' and feelin$ my eyes $la:e o)er as ta1e a deep pull from it' "ant t%e ans"er to*

%old my breat%*

.&%e al"ays reminded me of #in1erbell'. #in1s4my inks4continues 0uietly* .&o' last year tattoo in %er memory*. e9%ale* mana$ed to con)ince my fol1s to let me $et a

.#%at suc1s'. ?osalie mutters* .#%at s%e died' t's clear t%at t%e 0uestions are un"elcome' but ans"ers* &o' don't interrupt*

mean* Ho"'d s%e die/. fuc1in$ "ant t%e

.&%e 1illed %erself*. .>esus fuc1in$ C%rist'. t%en %erself/. f t%ey're surprised about me listenin$ in' t%ey don't let on' and #in1s replies "it%out missin$ a beat* Flat tone' de)oid of any emotion "%atsoe)er* .Because %er mom' t%e fuc1in$ drun1' abused %er*. (arnin$ bells $o off in my %ead* .Holy s%it'. ?osalie "%ispers* can feel myself palin$ and brea1in$ out in a cold s"eat* #in1s nods* . t started "%en Alice's dad left t%em*. n an attempt to %ide my s%allo" breat%s' 2oint* . be$$ed %er to $o to t%e police'. s%e adds* .For mont%s' s%e put ma1eup on to co)er t%e bruises*. "atc%ed %o" ta1e anot%er dra$ from my "%isper under my breat% as ?osalie $asps* And

can't stay out of t%e con)ersation any lon$er* .(%y "ould s%e 1ill

clenc% my teet%' silently

"is%in$ s%e could 2ust s%ut t%e fuc1 up no"* .But s%e refused to listen* &%e made up e9cuses for %er mom all t%e fuc1in$ time* '&%e "as drun1'' '&%e 2ust misses Dad'' '7oney's ti$%t' so s%e's frustrated'' '&%e didn't mean it'*. s0uee:e my eyes s%ut*

.And t%en s%e decided t%at s%e'd %ad enou$%/. ?osalie $uesses 0uietly* 7y insides c%urn and t"ist painfully* 8)eryt%in$ feels ra" and acidic inside of me* ?ottin$* 8atin$' festerin$* 8)ery t%ou$%t' e)ery memory' e)ery conse0uence' e)ery e9cuse' e)ery "ord* #%e times "%en se)eral seconds before stitc%ed up or banda$ed* "is% could say t%at all of t%is is my past and not my $oddamn present* s"allo" bile* .&%e %an$ed %erself*. "as youn$er 0uestioned and still cried after Dad let %is fists do t%e tal1in$* #%e times "%ere it too1 could lie smoot%ly* #%e times "%en e)eryt%in$* #%e times "%en actually %ad to $o bac1 to Dad to $et

.3es'. #in1s confirms in a "%isper*

And t%at's my cue to $et t%e fuc1 out* Handin$ bac1 t%e 2oint to 8mmett' $et off t%e couc% and %ead outside*

"al1 aimlessly' internally stru$$lin$* After a "%ile' sit do"n on a trun1* 8lbo"s on my 1nees' %ands tu$$in$

painfully at my %air' eyes scre"ed s%ut* .!he hanged hersel".) &o' s%e $a)e up* &%e lost* "on't surrender* +nly t%e "ea1 ones $i)e up* .!he hanged hersel".) f "ord $ot around4if t%e trut% came out4 'd be t%e fuc1in$ 2o1e* #%e people in For1s "ould see me for "%o (ell' t%at's "%o and $ro"s stron$er* really am,"ea1' ta1in$ punc%es* am' accordin$ to Dad* He says t%at a real man sur)i)es

.!he hanged hersel".) Fuc1' can't "ait to lea)e t%is s%it%ole* 7y personal %ell* %a)e to become a fuc1in$ doctor' "%ic%

8)en if it's pre-med* 8)en if don't "ant* As lon$ as $et a"ay*

#%an1fully' >o%ns Hop1ins 6ni)ersity is all across t%e country* .<od' #od* can't "ait'. breat%e out*

scoff internally* #%ere's no fuc1in$ <od* ma1e

After firin$ off a te9t to #in1s about bein$ %un$ry and $oin$ %ome' my "ay to"ard my car* =C38=

Don't fuc1in$ as1 me "%y 'm in #in1s' room' but t%at's t%e first place "ent once $ot %ome* 8)en up %ere' can smell t%e dinner 7om's really fuc1in$ am coo1in$* Al"ays t%e >une Clea)er' t%at "oman* And and placed on %er entertainment center* 7y o"n is filled "it% mo)ies and )ideo $ames* Hers is some"%at empty' apart from a fe" boo1s and family p%otos* &%e lo)ed %er fol1s* 8asy to see in t%e pictures* #%ey "ere close* %old one p%oto in my %and* lau$% bitterly* 'd %a)e to be blind not to see t%e special bond s%e s%ared "it% %er dad* n t%e p%oto' s%e and C%arlie A remember %is name "as A are $rinnin$ "idely' %oldin$ up a fuc1in$ fis%* &un's s%inin$ and all t%at

%un$ry' but 'm still %ere' starin$ blan1ly at t%e p%otos s%e's unpac1ed

poetic crap* ?enee's also in t%e s%ot' smilin$ at %er %usband and dau$%ter* #%e $oddamn serenity is almost moc1in$ me* "onder if C%arlie let #in1s c%oose for %erself* f s%e "anted to dance t%e ballet or "%ate)er' did %e let %er/ f s%e "anted to play an instrument' did %e sit patiently and listen "%ile s%e practiced/ ..h, you don't want to do that, son,) Carlisle said, grabbing Edward's arm. he "i%e:year:old boy pouted as his daddy ushered him away. 0e really, really wanted learn how to use a hammer;like the boy on the picture did. he tool bo6 looked so cool4 ) his is much better.) Carlisle s9uatted down ne6t to his son, holding out a medical kit "or kids. )$ou want to be a good boy, don't you() Dad's rin$tone brin$s me bac1 to reality' and out my p%one* 7igid "ucking spine. .Hey' Dad'. say' puttin$ bac1 t%e p%oto* suc1 in a breat% as pull

.!on,) %e $reets me coldly* )I trust that you're beha%ing() s"allo"* .+f course*. .#ood. -ow, I 2ust got o"" the phone with Dr. !arah 'lack at Forks 0ospital. I told her about you.) 'd say 'm surprised' but 'm really not* n fact' ')e "aited for t%is to %appen* )$ou ha%e a meeting with her on *onday a"ter school.) .About )olunteerin$'. state 0uietly* n my %ead' 'm countin$ t%e %ours may already %a)e recei)ed my

can s0uee:e in' and it's $oin$ to be %ard*

early acceptance to >o%ns Hop1ins' but Dad refuses to let me bac1 do"n' e)en a little' e)en if my application is full of e9tra credit bulls%it*

.$es, I "igured three shi"ts a week. hree or "our hours a shi"t.) #%ree s%ifts* #%ree days* Ho" t%e fuc1 "ill me* (%ate)er "%y %ide t%is s%it in sc%ool/ Bein$

feared %as %elped me a lot o)er t%e years' and no one fuc1in$ 0uestions do' people in For1s 1no" better t%an to let t%at come bac1 to my parents' "%ic% means t%ey don't tell t%eir o"n parents* #%at's don't care if people 1no" t%at #in1s is fuc1in$ mine* t "on't come need to do is be bac1 to 7om and Dad* t's 2ust t%at fuc1in$ simple* All

careful so t%at no teac%er "ill see' but t%e students are no issue* #%e %ospital' %o"e)er4 Bot% $ro"nups and 1ids run around t%ere' not to mention a fe" losers at sc%ool "%o also )olunteer* #%is "on't $o "ell "it% my reputation,a reputation up%old* .Is there a problem, Edward() Dad as1s' and no" %e's an$ry* .No' sir'. reply' mana$in$ not to $ulp* Fuc1' really am a pussy* But fuc1in$ need to

can't let people 1no" t%at* . 'll meet "it% Dr* Blac1 ri$%t after sc%ool on 7onday* #%ree s%ifts a "ee1* Consider it done*. Dad %an$s up t%e p%one* breat%e* =C38= #%e rest of &aturday is une)entful* #in1s te9ts 7om around se)en to let %er 1no" t%at s%e's "it% ?osalie' and t%at lea)es 7om and me alone for one a"1"ard fuc1in$ dinner* But to my room* (%en someone 1noc1s on my door little o)er ten 57' fuc1 off* tell "%oe)er it is to bail out after ten minutes and retreat

%a)e too muc% s%it to sort out "it% t%is %ospital t%in$* also %a)e plenty of %ome"or1* Not 2ust for sc%ool' t%ou$%* Dad $i)es me assi$nments from %is te9tboo1s t%at &o' %a)e to sol)e* t's a "ee1ly t%in$* study* al"ays de)ote to sc%ool "or1'

&ame $oes for &unday* t's t%e day

t%ou$% if you'd as1 any of my friends' t%ey'd tell you t%at 'm %an$in$ out "it% my ot%er friends in &eattle,friends t%at don't e9ist* t's my co)er* And 'm painfully a"are of t%e fact t%at #in1s 1no"s 'm not in &eattle* >ust anot%er t%in$ %a)e to "or1 out*

+r4 could 2ust say .fuc1 it.' and let e)eryone 1no" t%at 'm a loser* 3ea%' not %appenin$* 'm 8d"ard Fuc1in$ Cullen* #%ere is one place t%at control and t%at's For1s Hi$%* refuse to let t%at slip t%rou$% my fin$ers* "ill 2ust %a)e to t%in1 of somet%in$ if #in1s 0uestions it* <raduation can't come soon enou$%* +nly a fe" mont%s to $o* =C38= .(o"' you're ali)e'. #in1s mutters as 2oin %er in t%e 1itc%en on 7onday

mornin$* .Did you e)en lea)e your room yesterday/. No* Not for a second* 'm all set* .A"' did you miss me/. smir1 and pour a cup of coffee* A $ood t%in$ %a)e an ensuite bat%room* %a)e a mini frid$e*

about most "ee1day mornin$s: 7om's not %ome* #%is is "%en s%e does c%arity "or1 at some fuc1in$ "omen's s%elter in 5ort A*

.Fuc1 you'. s%e %uffs* hat se6y mouth o" hers/ "ill definitely %a)e to "atc% %er today* &%e's loo1in$ incredibly fuc1able in s1in-%u$$in$ le$$in$s in blac14and a lon$ t-s%irt in dar1 blue4or is it a tunic/ (%ate)er' it's a t-s%irt t%at ends belo" %er ass* .Later'. about it* A soft clic1in$ sound ma1es me loo1 up' t%ou$%' and "%at my coc1 t"itc%* .&%it' your ton$ue is pierced/. as1* see ma1es reply "it% a nod* Leanin$ bac1 a$ainst t%e counter' sip my

coffee and read t%e %eadlines on today's paper* Li1e

could $i)e t"o s%its

&%e s%ru$s and returns to "%ate)er s%e'd readin$ as s%e eats %er cereal* Fuc1' "onder if s%e'd be up for anot%er p%oto session soon* 'd lo)e to

$et a fe" s%ots of %er suc1in$ me off* $roan under my breat% and ad2ust my %ardenin$ dic1 in my 2eans* .C'mon'. si$%* .#ime to $et to sc%ool*.

%a)e a feelin$ it's $onna be a lon$ fuc1in$ day*

Chapter song 5aradice by &il Wayne EPOV As #in1s and arri)e at sc%ool' $otta s%a1e my %ead in amusement at think it's ne" for %er*

t%e students 2ust standin$ t%ere in t%e par1in$ lot' starin$ at our cars* may be used to it' but it's ne" for #in1s* At least &%e par1s ne9t to me' and of t%e car* .(%at t%e fuc1 are t%ey starin$ at/. s%e mutters as "e start "al1in$ to"ard t%e sc%ool* c%uc1le* .(ell' t%ey were starin$ at your 5orsc%e* But no"4. loo1 $rab t%e folder

%a)e for 3or1ie and $et out

do"n at %er pointedly* #%ose ti$%t le$$in$s' s%o"casin$ %er le$s4t%e lon$ t-s%irt,V-nec1,s%o"in$ nice clea)a$e' and t%at sinful fuc1in$ leat%er 2ac1et4 &%e's "onderin$ "%at t%ey're starin$ at/ .3ou're t%e ne" toy' baby'. murmur in %er ear* .And t%ey all "ant to play*. (%ic% reminds me4 . f t%ey come on to you' let me 1no"*. &%e lau$%s %umorlessly* .&o' you can $o 1ic1 t%eir asses/. Her smile is sic1enin$ly s"eet and full of sarcasm* .7y' suc% a %ero you are' Cullen*. .Fuc1 you'. si$n'. say' %oldin$ t%e door for %er to enter* .No"' t%ere's t%e

tell %er' pointin$ at t%e si$n t%at "ill lead %er to t%e principal's

office so s%e can $et si$ned in or "%at-t%e-fuc1-e)er* . t%in1 "e %a)e four classes to$et%er' but none today*. Four classes* #%e only A5 classes s%e's ta1in$* frea1 out/ later*. .All ri$%t' see ya'. s%e si$%s' and t%en s%e's off* "onder if s%e's an a)era$e C student and' if s%e is' "ill Dad %ope not* .(e do %a)e lunc% to$et%er' t%ou$%' so 'll see you

let out a lo" "%istle as %er s%oulder* 7a1es t%e se9 better* #%at's "%en

c%ec1 %er out' to "%ic% s%e flips me off o)er

lau$%' 'cause s%e's $ot fire in %er* <otta appreciate t%at*

notice all t%e stares 'm $ettin$* &afe to say' not all of t%ese

people "ere at t%e party t%is "ee1end' 'cause if t%ey "ere' t%ey'd 1no" about #in1s by no"4and me' for t%at matter* #in1s is off-limits' and no one is supposed to 1no" about us* No one E adults* .(%at/. snap' $larin$ at t%e fe" losers $at%ered in t%e %all* . f you stare

muc% lon$er' 'm $onna fuc1in$ c%ar$e*. At t%at' t%ey scamper off and "al1 o)er to 3or1ie's loc1er* place my folder

1no" t%e combination' of course' and once it's open' inside* #%e folder "it% t%e %ome"or1 #%ere* Done* =C38=

finis%ed yesterday*

.&o' %o" is your first day comin$ alon$/. ?osalie as1s #in1s as seat at our lunc% table* .3ou're already t%e tal1 of t%e sc%ool*. 3ea%' ')e fuc1in$ %eard* .+%'

ta1e my

2ust lo)e it %ere'. #in1s replies sarcastically' ma1in$ ?osalie lau$%* can't "ait to $et out of %ere' eit%er*. loo1 o)er at 8mmett' not surprised to see

. 1no"*

At Blondie's last comment'

%im a)ertin$ %is eyes* He's not $oin$ to colle$e* &mall-to"n 1id* He li1es it %ere* His dad o"ns t%e only diner in For1s' and 8mmett's $onna ta1e o)er one day* ?osalie is t%e opposite* &%e can't "ait $et out of t%is place* #%in1 s%e's $oin$ to LA or some s%it*

.&eriously' t%ou$%'. #in1s says' lo"erin$ %er )oice' .all t%ey're as1in$ is if 'm fuc1in$ Cullen*. &%e doesn't loo1 at me* t's 2ust a 2er1 of %er c%in in my direction* . $otta say' 'm already tired of listenin$ to t%e $irls %ere* #%eir t%ou$%ts about %im are ma1in$ me "anna %url*. ?osalie lau$%s loudly' e)en t%ro"in$ %er %ead bac1* .3ou're fuc1in$ be$$in$ for trouble*. %uff' nud$in$ #in1's arm "it% my add 0uietly' leanin$ in*

o"n* &%e turns in %er seat' facin$ me fully' and places %er %and on my t%i$%* 7uc% better* .3ou better "atc% it' #in1s'. you fuc1in$ "ant me*. .3ou t%in1 you're a $od' don't you/. s%e "%ispers in my ear* co)er %er %and "it% mine and $uide it to my %ardenin$ dic1* .Doesn't matter "%at And t%at's t%e trut%* .Dude' teac%ers all o)er t%e place'. 8mmett reminds me' and in my c%air a$ain* .(%ate)er'. mutter' openin$ my soda* But %e's ri$%t* $otta be careful* lean bac1 am* 3ou "ant it' re$ardless*. Her breat%in$ stutters* >ust once' but it's enou$%* .Because "e bot% 1no"

%a)e too muc% to lose* .&o' "%at's %appenin$ t%is "ee1/ Any parties/. . 'm sure somet%in$ "ill $o do"n'. 5eter says' loo1in$ up from %is tray of food* .By t%e "ay-. cut %im off t%ere' 'cause 3or1ie approac%es t%e table "it% a folder in %is %and* . t's anot%er A' n my perip%ery' %ope*. smir1 at t%e loser* %a)e #in1s' attention*

can see t%at

3or1ie says not%in$' of course' 'cause %e's a c%ic1en s%it* He 2ust %ands me t%e folder before rus%in$ a"ay* diot* .(%at's t%at/. #in1s as1s* don't reply' but 8mmett does' c%uc1lin$* .3ou didn't t%in1 Cullen $ets strai$%t A's by actually studyin$' did ya/. .He pays 8ric 3or1ie to do all %is "or1'. ?osalie adds' $i)in$ me a loo1 of dis$ust* flip t%e bitc% off* .(ait' so you don't study at all/. #in1s loo1s up at me in disbelief* s%ru$* . study li1e %ell ri$%t before tests' but t%at's about it*. . %a)e more important s%it to do t%an bein$ a fuc1in$ loser*. &%e $i)es me an odd loo1' 2ust starin$ at me for a beat' and face t%e $uys a$ain and "e start tal1in$ about sports* =C38= After sc%ool's out' loc1er* #%en 'm off to t%e %ospital* Dr* &ara% Blac1 $reets me outside' sin$in$ Dad's praises* &%e t%in1s it's ama:in$ t%at "ant to %onor %im by follo"in$ in %is drop off t%e t"o %undred buc1s o"e 3or1ie in %is don't c%uc1le*

fuc1in$ appro)e* 'm not some $oddamn mat% problem s%e can sol)e' so

footsteps and become a doctor* "ant to t%ro" up at %er*

But

don't* nstead'

pretend to be a $olden boy as s%e s%o"s me

around and tal1s about "%at 'll be doin$ %ere t%ree days a "ee1 after sc%ool* #al1in$ to patients' %elpin$ nurses' ans"erin$ p%one calls4 also as1 about ot%er )olunteers' and ,some $ee1' find out t%at t%ere are four $irls

from For1s Hi$% "%o all spend se)eral %ours %ere eac% "ee1* Bree #anner t%in1,"ants to be a mid"ife' so s%e usually %an$s out in t%e maternity "ard* An$ela (eber,t%e minister's prudis% dau$%ter, "ants to be an N C6 nurse' so s%e also %an$s out in t%e maternity "ard* #%en "e %a)e Dr* Blac1's dau$%ters* ?ac%el and ?ebecca,recently transferred from La 5us% to For1s,and t%ey are bot% )olunteerin$ at t%e %ospice* 'll a)oid all of t%em' and "%en "ord $ets out t%at 'm )olunteerin$ at t%e fuc1in$ %ospital' 'll tell people t%at my parents "ill buy me my o"n %ouse "%en ?i$%t/ 7aybe s%ouldn't e)en "ait 'til rumors spread* can tell people myself' mo)e to t%e 8ast Coast for colle$e* #%at s%ould "or1*

"%ic% mi$%t let t%em 1no" t%at it's not%in$ 'm embarrassed about* =C38= After dinner "it% 7om and #in1s' all Not necessarily in t%at order' but film us unless s%e's %i$%* And need some $ood in my life* "ant is to $et %i$% and to $et laid* can tal1 #in1s into lettin$ me

doubt

really fuc1in$ "ant t%at* t'll be a sou)enir left t%e %ospital and

t%at 'll brin$ "it% me to colle$e* 5lus' after my tal1 "it% Dad earlier' called %im as soon as told %im about my meetin$ "it% Dr* Blac1 and' as predicted' %is mere )oice sent c%ills do"n my spine* t doesn't matter t%at %e "asn't t%reatenin$ me or disappro)in$ of anyt%in$* #%at's 2ust "%at %is presence does to me*

Any"ay' #in1s and ta1en %er o"n car'

ta1e my car' "%ic%

soon re$ret' 'cause if s%e'd 2ust

"ould')e %ad silence no"*

.3ou sure too1 off after sc%ool 0uic1ly today'. s%e starts by sayin$* loo1 in t%e rear)ie" mirror' "atc%in$ as our %ouse $ets smaller and smaller* . %ad some s%it to deal "it% at t%e %ospital*. +nce main road' reac% t%e add* turn ri$%t' a"ay from For1s' to"ard t%e cabin' "%ic% is

located bet"een For1s and 5ort A* . 'm $onna )olunteer t%ere'. 7i$%t as "ell $et it o)er "it%*

.#%at doesn't sound li1e somet%in$ you'd "anna do'. s%e replies dryly* . t's not*. step on t%e $as a little* .But my fol1s are $onna $i)e me a mo)e4if put in a fe" %ours at t%e %ospital* Beats t%e s%it

%ouse "%en

outta dorms' ri$%t/. &%e doesn't say anyt%in$ in response' and * * .3ou really let some $uy do all your %ome"or1/. %uff out a lau$%* . fuc1in$ pay %im*. pay %im to ma1e ot%ers belie)e t%at %e's t%e one doin$ t%e "or1* 3or1ie doesn't as1 0uestions' and %e's too scared of me to rat me out* .But your parents t%in1 you're t%is smart $uy4. am a smart fuc1in$ $uy* 1eep my eyes on t%e road*

.And you're $oin$ to >o%ns Hop1ins' for fuc1's sa1e;. s%e e9claims' and s%e really can't let t%is $o' can s%e/ .8sme couldn't s%ut up about it "%en s%e "as "it% me in 5%oeni9*. $i)e %er a side"ays loo1* .Do you %a)e a fuc1in$ point/. .3es'. s%e says' turnin$ a little in %er seat to face me better* .#%ey t%in1 you're so accomplis%ed' and "onder %o" t%e %ell you're $onna be able to pull off med sc%ool "%en you don't 1no" s%it*. .First of all'. say' turnin$ onto t%e dirt road t%at leads into t%e "oods'

.it's pre-med* &econd of all' 'll mana$e 2ust fine*. &%e %uffs* .(%ate)er*. 3ea%* (%ate)er* #%at's pretty muc% "%en "e reac% t%e end of t%e dirt road' so to 2ust fuc1in$ smo1e 'til .Hurry up' "ill ya/. %ars%ly' but can't t%in1 strai$%t* didn't really mean for it to come out t%at could dro"n in t%em* t's 0uic1ly need

pull o)er' 1ill t%e en$ine' and step out of t%e car* 7ore t%an before'

snap*

don't fuc1in$ "ant %er to as1 me a bunc% of 0uestions* 'm

already 1eepin$ trac1 of so many lies t%at illusion' and

$oddamn e9%austin$' to be %onest* But ')e "or1ed %ard to create a fierce sure as %ell don't "ant Bella &"an to ruin it for me* Not "%en 'm so close to $ettin$ out of %ere* #%e ne9t couple of minutes pass in silence but' apparently' #in1s is in a c%atty mood* <o fuc1in$ fi$ure* .Do you really dri)e out %ere e)ery day 2ust to smo1e/. s%ru$ and pic1 up some speed* . used to smo1e at %ome*.

.Not anymore/ (%y/. Because Dad "ouldn't li1e it if 7om ne)er cared* .3ou as1 a lot of 0uestions'. . 'm 2ust curious' $uess*. si$%' finally spottin$ t%e cabin a%ead* smo1ed a"ay my fuc1in$ brain*

loo1 o)er my s%oulder' catc%in$ %er e9pression as s%e "al1s be%ind me* 5ursed lips' tilted %ead4in0uisiti)e fuc1in$ eyes* .(ell' don't be'. and face #in1s as bite out' endin$ t%e con)ersation as reac% t%e cabin* turn around

yan1 t%e door open and breat%e in t%e smell of pot* .No"'. $irl and strip for me' yea%/.

"al1 bac1"ard in t%e direction of t%e bed' .be a $ood smir1 coc1ily and s%ru$ out of my 2ac1et* .

really need a $ood fuc1 ri$%t about no"*. &omet%in$ flas%es across %er eyes' somet%in$ dar1' but 'm too "ound up to read into it* Hell' don't read into s%it* 5eriod* 'm not a fuc1in$ $irl*

.A $ood fuc1'. s%e states 0uietly' standin$ still in t%e middle of t%e room* .#%at's ri$%t*. sit do"n on t%e ed$e of t%e bed* &%oes off' 2eans off' s%irt smir1* 5%one,definitely out*

off* Li$%ter out' pot out' p%one4 .(ell' t%at's me'.

%ear %er say softly*

rue, baby. $ou're really "ucking stellar. &tandin$ up in 2ust my bo9ers' "%ere s%e stands* .Here*. t%en $o to "or1* li$%t up t%e rolled 2oint and "al1 o)er to unbutton and un:ip' pus% and pull4

%and t%e 2oint to %er' and s%e ta1es it* And

1iss %er nec1'

until %er clot%es are on t%e floor* .Come on' baby*. <rabbin$ %er %and' pull %er "it% me to t%e bed* Before s%e sits do"n' s%e brin$s t%e 2oint to

my lips and

ta1e a deep pull from it' "atc%in$ %o" #in1s' eyes dar1en, %old t%e smo1e in my lun$s' closin$ my eyes

t%is time in lust*

momentarily to sa)or t%e ease and comfort "as%in$ o)er me* t ma1es me s"ay a little' but it feels so fuc1in$ $ood* 7y eyes open as e9%ale' re)ealin$ a na1ed #in1s on %er bac14on t%e

bed' loo1in$ fuc1in$ $or$eous* stare at %er %un$rily* 7y coc1 %ardens in my bo9ers* (it% eac% dra$ from t%e 2oint' s%e loo1s oddly youn$er* But not in years* t's in innocence* +r somet%in$* .(%at are you "aitin$ for/. s%e as1s softly' 0uietly' li$%tly* smir1* 2oin %er* co)er %er body "it% mine* &%e s%i)ers* 8yes $la:ed o)er* #%at la:y' content' rela9ed smile playin$ on %er lips4 &%e loo1s carefree* .Close your eyes'. softly as "%isper' ta1in$ t%e 2oint from %er* &%e does' si$%in$ pus% breat%e out and brin$ t%e 2oint to %er reali:e it's

press my body %arder a$ainst %ers* (it% my free %and'

do"n my bo9ers* .Fuc1in$ %ot'. lips* .+pen*.

&%e ta1es a pull from it and %olds %er breat%*

5ositionin$ myself at %er "et pussy' on furt%er* desperate* s1in' and "etness tell me t%at,but

$rind $ently in attempt to turn %er "ant more* "ant %er needy and

1no" s%e's fuc1in$ %orny already,%er taut nipples' flus%ed "ant %er to for$et t%e fuc1in$ condom issue*

close my mout% o)er %ers* &%e e9%ales and in%ale*

.7mm4. &%e %ums' dra$$in$ %er s%ort fin$ernails alon$ my bac1* %iss in pleasure* .Condom'. s%e moans* Forget it, inks* . need you' Edward4. .Fuc1' baby'. reason' breat%e out' capturin$ %er lips "it% mine a$ain* For some can feel %er "ant to feel it on my dic1* But not no"*

lo)e it "%en s%e says my name* +%' fuc1 me*

ton$ue rin$' remindin$ me t%at .3ou're so fuc1in$ se9y'. lips of %er pussy*

$roan' $uidin$ my coc1 bet"een t%e soft' "et

ta1e a dra$ from t%e 2oint' simultaneously rubbin$ t%e %ead of my dic1 a$ainst %er clit* #%at ma1es %er "%imper A a sound and so ta1e t%e %int and e9%ale in %er mout%* drop t%e 2oint in t%e %alf-empty soda can ne9t to %a)e e)ery intention fuc1in$ lo)e* 8yes still closed' s%e opens %er mout%' probably %a)in$ %eard me ta1e a dra$'

#%at's t%e last of it' so t%e bed* #%en on t%is*

reac% for my p%one' 'cause t%ere's no "ay 'm missin$ out

can't fuc1in$ $et enou$% of t%is $irl' and

of capturin$ at least a fe" of our moments* .Can film us "%en fuc1 you' baby/. "%isper softly in %er ear* &%e

stiffens sli$%tly' so

rus% to add' .No faces* >ust my coc1 as it slides in

and out of you*. At t%at' s%e moans and s%i)ers* Fuc1in' A* .7mm' you "ant t%at' don't you/.

.Fuc1' 8d"ard;. &%e arc%es into me* me already*. *y pleasure.

almost %a)e %er* .>esus' 2ust fuc1

&lidin$ do"n to"ard %er slic1 entrance' in* .7ot%erfuc1'.

ta1e a deep breat% before

slam

$rit out t%rou$% painfully clenc%ed teet%*

bury my face in

t%e croo1 of %er nec1,eyes s0uee:ed s%ut,as definitely one of t%em* .3ou feel so $ood'. before Hot* (et* #i$%t* .8d"ard'. s%e me"ls* .Fuc1' pus% in a$ain*

try to restrain myself*

Bein$ a teena$er comes "it% a fe" ne$ati)e t%in$s' and stamina is moan' slo"ly pullin$ out

told you to "ear a-. mumble a$ainst %er lips* .Do you cup %er

cut %er off "it% a 1iss* .&%%%' baby'. really "ant me to stop ri$%t no"/. in earnest* . "on't come in you'

breat%e %ea)ily and start fuc1in$ %er fuc1in$ s"ear' but4o%' "uck*.

ass "it% my free %and and $rind into %er* .Let me %ear you' #in1s'. moan* .#ell me you "ant me to continue*. Lettin$ my p%one $o' rubbin$ %er clit* .+%' yes'. s%e moans' tiltin$ %er %ead bac1' e9posin$ %er nec1 to me* .Don't stop' don't stop* +%' s%it4. smir1* slide my %and bet"een our bodies and start

hat's right, baby. ake my cock. But "ant more' and %a)en't for$otten my p%one' "%ic% is layin$ ne9t flip us o)er*

to %er pillo"* &o' in a s"ift mo)ement' .?ide me'. pant* . 'm $onna film us*.

&%e moans loudly' usin$ my t%i$%s as le)era$e' and t%en s%e fuc1s me* &lo"ly and deeply* (it% eac% s"i)el of %er %ips' And $roan*

loo1 at us t%rou$% my p%one*

?ecordin$* Capturin$* "atc% %o" my coc1' "et from %er 2uices' slips in and out of %er* feel %o" %er muscles constrict around me* blin1 slo"ly' cau$%t in somet%in$ "eird* t's li1e 'm lost* #%e pleasure fuc1in$ consumes me' and e)en breat%in$/ %er %ips' and drop t%e p%one4 "orget t%e p%one4and am %a)e no fuc1in$ idea but' suddenly' my %ands are on

slam %er do"n on me' ma1in$ bot% of us cry out*

Euphoria* Di::iness* And t%en s%e's comin$* And t%en 'm comin$* 8)ery muscle in me tenses* 7y fuc1in$ toes curl* 7y t%i$%s t%rob* 7y coc1 pulses in %er pussy* Nope' not breat%in$* .Fuc1;. %ear %er $asp out before s%e collapses on my c%est* can feel %er rapid %eartbeat a$ainst my s1in'

(e're bot% pantin$ %ea)ily*

%er %air all o)er t%e fuc1in$ place' %er %ands on my biceps' my %ands4/ +%' t%ere* +f course* 7y %ands are on %er ass* (%ere else/

&"eatin$' pantin$' blin1in$' slo"ly ma1in$ our "ay bac1 to reality* #%at's "%en e9%austion %its' and does* =C38= "a1e up before #in1s' and it's only because pussy* $rimace' reali:in$ t%at can't fuc1in$ stand fall asleep a fe" seconds after s%e

messes* (ell' ')e $ot one no"* +n my fuc1in$ t%i$%* >esus' it's %er must')e come inside of %er' "%ic% s%e'll be pretty fuc1in$ pissed about "%en s%e "a1es up* After slo"ly detan$lin$ myself from %er' use one of t%e pillo"cases to

clean us off' and it's not easy* #%e cabin is dar1' only a faint li$%t from t%e moon filterin$ in t%rou$% t%e "indo"s' so it ta1es time before ')e found and separated our clot%es* t's pretty c%illy in t%e room' too,t%ere's no %eat source,and (%en 'm done' s%udder as put on my e0ually c%illy clot%es* say

sit do"n on t%e ed$e of t%e bed* .#in1s' "a1e up'.

0uietly' brus%in$ my fin$ers alon$ %er arm* Her s1in is so damn soft* find myself smilin$ a little "%en loo1 at %er beautiful face* #%e moonli$%t paints %er s1in "%ite' and t%e contrasts bet"een %er s1in and %er dar1' lon$ las%es4 3ea%' s%e's really fuc1in$ beautiful* #%ere's no ot%er "ord* 89cept for4stunnin$* &%e's %ot' se9y' and $or$eous' too' but t%ose "ords don't capture it all* .Baby' can you "a1e up for me/. $ently tuc1 a piece of %air be%ind %er ear' feelin$ a t"in$e of somet%in$ inside my c%est* .Not yet'. s%e mumbles sleepily' and of it* .Fi)e more minutes' Alec4. What the hell( 'm off t%e bed in a flas%* Alec/ (%o t%e "uck is +lec/ crac1 anot%er smile* &%e's still out

Boyfriend from 5%oeni9/ E6-boyfriend from 5%oeni9/ And "%y do Do care/ can t%in1 furt%er' s%a1e my %ead and lau$% bitterly to myself* care/

Before

Fuc1 t%is* .(a1e up' 'ella;. #%at sure did it* t%in1 t%e tension rollin$ off me 1eeps %er from spea1in$ as "e ma1e our "ay %ome* <ood* (%en "e finally do $et %ome' bed* =C38= +n #uesday' bra$ about t%e %ouse my parents are $onna $et me if 2ust ta1e a 0uic1 s%o"er before %eadin$ to snap*

)olunteer at t%e %ospital for a "%ile* 8mmett and 5eter eat t%at s%it up' and for a second' e)en for$et t%at 'm lyin$* 'm $rinnin$ and bumpin$ "a1e up in a familiar mood* #%ere's be$* But don't fists at my $ood fortune li1e t%ere's no tomorro"* But t%ere is a tomorro" ,(ednesday* And t%at's t%e day sco"lin$ and snappin$* a fuc1* (%ic% care* "%ere %ardly eat' and 'm not abo)e be$$in$ #in1s for don't t%in1' "%ere don't "orry'

fuc1in$ do after my s%ift at t%e %ospital*

2ust need a fe" %ours "%ere

don't fear tomorro",t%e day Dad comes %ome*

t ta1es %ours' but s%e finally relents and "e dri)e out to t%e cabin and $et so fuc1in$ %i$%' it's not e)en funny* And "e fuc1* <od' "e fuc1 %ard*

&%e e)en blo"s me' and 4 4 No "ords' all ri$%t/ &%e can suc1 coc1 li1e a professional' "%ic% accidently tell %er* But s%e doesn't $et mad* fi$ured it "ould be a bit insultin$ to %ear t%at s%it' but s%e 2ust $i)es me a ti$%t-lipped smile before ta1in$ me inside of %er* #%e only bad t%in$' really' is t%at s%e refuses to ca)e "%en it comes to "earin$ rubber* #%at suc1s' but 'd rat%er fuc1 %er "it% a condom t%an not fuc1 %er it all* Later t%at ni$%t' "%en "e $et %ome' #in1s disappears into %er room' and $et slammed bac1 into reality* Dad's comin$ %ome tomorro"* &leep doesn't find me* study instead* 6sin$ Dad's te9tboo1s and medical 2ournals' co)er my fres%man year' so year' but read and

memori:e* He's already drilled so muc% information into my %ead t%at "ill $rab a fe" boo1s %e's told me are for my sop%omore year* 'm not sayin$ t%at 'm ready for t%e second $oddamn am sayin$ t%at Dad's trained me "ell* 'm prepared and s%it*

already 1no" t%e classes 'll be ta1in$' of course* #%ey're t%e same ones t%at Dad too1* #%e same 8C's' t%e same researc% fields' t%e same e)eryt%in$* He still subscribes to 0opkins *edicine' t%e uni)ersity's o"n ma$a:ine' and e)ery te9tboo1 is up to date* After a couple of %ours of readin$' my bed and $rab a Co1e* t%e c%air' t%at "al1 o)er to t%e mini-frid$e ne9t to

also c%an$e out of my clot%es and pull on a

pair of $rey s"eats before "al1in$ bac1 to my des1* >ust as my ass %its %ear a t%ud comin$ from #in1s' room' and it's "it%out t%in1in$ lea)e my room to enter %ers* t's almost t%ree in t%e mornin$' so

"onder "%at t%e %ell s%e's up to* &lo"ly' not "antin$ to ma1e a noise' open %er door* 6nli1e me' s%e doesn't loc1 %ers4e)idently*

#%e room is pretty dar1' "%ic% a"a1e* Damn' not for %er* a "ay' enou$%* %ence my snea1in$' but

find odd since

2ust t%ou$%t s%e "as

%alf e9pected to catc% %er climbin$ out t%e "indo"' don't 1no" "%y* 7aybe "is%ful t%in1in$' t%ou$% $uess' in

"is% I could 2ust snea1 out and ne)er come bac1*

could* Bein$ %omeless probably beats t%is place' but "it% only a

fe" mont%s 'til colle$e4yea%' not $oin$ any"%ere* 'll be outta %ere soon

s%a1e my %ead a little' clearin$ it' and spot #in1s in %er bed* also spot somet%in$ on t%e floor' ri$%t ne9t to %er bed* A$ain it's "it%out t%in1in$ t%at "al1 to"ard %er' and bend o)er and pic1 up4%u%' a picture frame* &%e must')e %ad it in bed and 1noc1ed it do"n or somet%in$* (%ate)er* ne" to me' and since %er' t%at is* Focusin$ on t%e p%oto in my %ands a$ain' and ?enee* up* see t%e "ide smiles on C%arlie can see a %and in t%e loo1 at t%e picture' reco$ni:in$ %er parents from snooped around %ere a fe" days a$o' 1inda t%e ot%er pictures ')e seen* #%is particular p%oto is ne"' t%ou$%* (ell' it's "onder "%ere s%e's been 1eepin$ t%is stas%ed4"%en it's not in bed "it%

t%in1 #in1s too1 t%e s%ot' 'cause

p%oto' too,blurry and out of focus,$i)in$ C%arlie and ?enee a t%umbs smile at t%at for some reason' and "onder if it "as ta1en on some family )acation* #%e ridiculous Ha"aiian s%irts su$$est t%at4and t%eir sun-1issed faces* &ame $oes for t%e bac1$round@ t%ey're ob)iously in a restaurant* An e9otic one* #%ere are colorful drin1s on t%e table' umbrellas and ot%er decorations stuc1 in t%em* (%ere)er t%ey are' t%e first t%in$ you notice is still t%e smilin$* #%ey "ere a %appy family* C%arlie's arm is draped o)er ?enee's s%oulders' and bot% of ?enee's %ands co)er C%arlie's free one on t%e table* $rit my teet%' o)ercome "it% en)y* ne)er %ad t%at*

')e seen places* Fancy places* Dad's ta1en 7om and me to London' #o1yo' Ne" 3or1' and &an Francisco* #%at's 2ust namin$ a fe"' but it "asn't li1e t%is,not li1e "%at t%e &"ans clearly %ad* Dad "ould ne)er be cau$%t ali)e in a Ha"aiian s%irt* He'd ne)er %old 7om li1e t%at* Hell' %e doesn't e)en smile* &mir1in$' yes* &milin$' no* .+% <od' no4. 7y %ead snaps up' and my %eart starts poundin$ in fear* Has s%e "o1en up/ Ha)e in pain* .No4%e "ouldn't4. fro"n* .Not true'. s%e "%impers* All ri$%t' it's ob)iously time for me to $et t%e fuc1 out* probably only about %er parents' any"ay* (%ic% %ad %er parents' 'd probably mourn' too* After puttin$ t%e picture bac1 on t%e floor "%ere room as 0uietly as entered* found it' lea)e %er can barely deal been cau$%t/ But no* &%e's asleep' and4e)idently sleeptal1in$* t doesn't loo1 li1e a pleasant dream' eit%er* Her face is contorted

"it% o"n ni$%tmares,dealin$ "it% #in1s' is way too muc%* #%ey're sorta understand* f

Chapter song he &ion's 7oar by First +id 8it BPOV Despite the whispered rumors going around in school, I still woke up this morning with a smile on my "ace. +"ter all, +lec told me a "ew days ago that he was handling it. 7umors were nothing, he told me repeatedly. It wasn't like anyone had proof that we're together romantically. 'ut as I arri%e in school, my smile is slowly but surely "ading away. he whispers ha%e gotten louder. he looks ha%e become accusing. I get sel":conscious as I walk toward my locker. .5oor *r. D,) I hear one girl whisper. *r. D( +s in/+lec( E%eryone calls him that, as opposed to *r. De%in. 0oly shit4 0as something happened to him( .h #od, no/ .!he's such a "ucking slut,) another girl whispers as I pass. 7ounding a corner, I catch more hushed whispers and accusations. .I heard she stalked him.) Who are they talking about( .It's not "air that *r. D has to pay the price when she's the one ruining his li"e.) I "rown but keep walking. 3ntil I reach my locker. + gasp slips through my lips, and I raise a hand to co%er my mouth.

I don't e%en know that someone is behind me until she speaks. .*r. D was, like, our "a%orite teacher, skank. -ow he's "ucking lea%ing 2ust because you couldn't keep your obsession with him to yoursel".) -o. -o. -o. -o. -o. .0e 2ust le"t the principal's o""ice, you know. 0e 9uit. 0e "ucking 9uit.) his can't be happening. .Did it e%en bother you that he's engaged to *s. -o%iko%'s sister, or are you 2ust that "ucking sel"ish() hrough blurry %ision, I look at my locker again. Isabella !wan < 0.*E W7EC8I-# W0.7E4 'ut, but/he said he was gonna "i6 e%erything. 0e lo%es me. +lec lo%es me. 0e wouldn't do this. *s. -o%iko%/Irina, my damn math teacher/she has a sister( +nd +lec/ my +lec/is engaged to her( -o "ucking way. -o. +lec wouldn't betray me. 'ehind me, I hear the %icious accusations. hey're all directed at me. .$ou dirty "ucking whore4) .&ying slut4) .Fucking skank4)

.0ome wrecker4) I run. I run as "ast as I can. he "inal bell rings, and by the time I reach the bathrooms, the halls are empty. ..h, #od,) I choke out. he pain burns through me, and the con"usion cripples me. .-o/please/) I whimper, barely registering as I "all to my knees. 'e"ore I know it, pain"ul sobs rock through my body. I'm still so damn con"used. +ll those harsh words/all the rumors/spreading so "ast/ + teacher wouldn't spread rumors4 .-o,) I whimper, shaking my head to mysel". -o, +lec wouldn't lie to me. 0e lo%es me4 I cry. *y sobbing almost drowns out the sound o" clicking heels. +lmost. . akes nothing "or you to get on your knees, does it() I sti""en, immediately recogni,ing the %oice. *s. -o%iko%'s accent is unmistakable. I didn't miss the condescending tone in her %oice, either. .$ou know, when +lec decided to keep his apartment a "ew blocks away "rom here, I ne%er 9uestioned it,) she says. I keep my eyes on the "loor. I

don't e%en think I'm breathing. )It made sense. *y sister and I share a house on the other side o" 5hoeni6, a"ter all. +nd I know all about commuting.) !he hu""s out a humorless laugh. )It wasn't until a "ew days ago that I reali,ed there was another reason "or +lec to keep his place.) I swallow hard, "orcing mysel" to breathe. !he continues in her cold %oice. )I saw you. 'oth o" you. I was 2ust going to drop o"" some papers at +lec's, and what do I see( I see you two kissing goodbye at the door.) 5lease, no. &et this be a nightmare. +nother icy laugh. )I con"ronted him right away.) I stop breathing again, but the tears run steadily down my cheeks. )I e%en made sure a little rumor was started in order to make him understand that I wasn't "ucking around.) + sob gets stuck in my throat. he "og o" con"usion clears. .$ou ruined my sister's li"e, you manipulati%e little bitch,) she seethes. )I don't know what you did to get into +lec's pants, but it's all o%er now. +s I ordered, he went to the principal this morning and resigned, stating that you were se6ually harassing him.) I gasp and look up. ) hat's not true4) ..h, I know,) she chuckles. )'ut I had to get +lec out o" the mess he's created, and despite the "act that he con"essed e%erything to my sister, she still lo%es him.) !he throws me a glare. )-ow, how could I make my sister happy i" +lec went to prison()

It dawns on me right way. he age o" consent here in +ri,ona is eighteen. I'm still se%enteen "or a "ew more months. +lec's twenty:"i%e. It's not legal "or him to be with me, which we both knew "rom the beginning, but/we/we lo)e each other. .Where's +lec() I cry. )I want to see him= I ha%e to hear this "rom him4) t's to t%e memory of 7s* No)i1o)'s cac1lin$ t%at 'm startled a"a1e* sit up' blin1in$' stru$$lin$ to $et my bearin$s* A %and $oes to my c%est4an attempt to calm my rapidly beatin$ %eart' maybe* And it all comes bac1 to me in t%e dar1ness of my room %ere in For1s* 7om and Dad are dead* 'm not in 5%oeni9 anymore* For1s* 1esus Christ. flop do"n on t%e bed a$ain* +lec. did spea1 to %im a$ain,one last time,after my encounter "it% %is future sister-in-la"* +%' But tal1ed to %im' all ri$%t* "is% ne)er %ad*

He basically smir1ed' e)en c%uc1led a little' and said it "as all a $ame* He "anted to see %o" easy it "as to $et into my pants* No one made me feel more li1e a "%ore t%an %e did*

.(%at a fuc1in$ ni$%tmare'.

mumble to myself' scrubbin$ bot% %ands

o)er my face* n a "ay' it feels li1e "%at %appened in 5%oeni9 %appened a$es a$o* Not a $oddamn mont%* =C38= .<ood mornin$'. say 0uietly' a bit surprised to see 8sme %ere* &%e's $et up in t%e mornin$' but %ere s%e is no"'

usually $one by t%e time cleanin$ t%e 1itc%en*

.<ood mornin$' s"eetie'. s%e responds "armly* .Did you sleep "ell/. No* .3ep*. &%e smiles* .<ood* Ha)e a seat in t%e dinin$ room' and 'll come in "it% brea1fast* made muffins*.

&uc% a %ouse"ife* .#%an1s'. As mumble* pass so many t%in$s t%at pro)e

ma1e my "ay to t%e dinin$ room'

%o" out of place

am %ere* #%ere's e9pensi)e-loo1in$ art' fancy )ases4

5ristine "%ite and museum-li1e* t's a ma$nificent %ouse,t%ere's no denyin$ t%at,but it $i)es off t%is )ibe4a loo1-but-don't-touc% 1inda )ibe* (%ic% is so not "%at $re" up "it%* 7y parents "ere )ery "ell-off' o"nin$ a successful $amin$ company* Dad "as a fuc1a"esome, professional,po1er player' and 7om %ad a really $ood business eye* &o yea%' "e "ere "ell-off' but "e "ere also )ery laid bac1* 7y parents "ere4fun* (e tra)eled a lot* 7any family acti)ities* (e "ere sorta loud' too* #%ere "as al"ays music in our %ouse* Lau$%ter* &ometimes "%en came do"nstairs before sc%ool' 7om and Dad "ere dancin$ in t%e 1itc%en* #%ey loo1ed li1e fools' really' but it "as so fun*

.Here you $o' s"eetie'. 8sme says' placin$ a plate in front of me* . 'll ma1e a plate for 8d"ard' too@ %e s%ould be do"n soon*. nod in t%an1s' $rabbin$ a blueberry muffin to nibble on* And about ten minutes later' 8d"ard 2oins me at t%e table' loo1in$ a"fully stiff* .7ornin''. %e mutters* .<ood mornin$'. si$% 0uietly*

#%ere's no music in t%is %ouse' t%at's for sure* (%en 8sme comes in to refill our coffee mu$s' my p%one c%imes in my poc1et* smile a little smile as read t%e te9t* anna $oin me and Charlotte in

#eed to "uy clothes after school. Port %& 'ose.

li1e ?ose* &%e's crass and blunt' but also s"eet and $enuine* &%e's no bulls%itter* (ounds good. I need to )ick u) some stuff* too Bella. .Ne" friends' Bella/. 8sme as1s s"eetly* .6%' yea%'. mutter' poc1etin$ my p%one a$ain* #%en it %its me* 7aybe mean' don't 1no" %o" t%e Cullens $o s%oppin$ in 5ort An$eles after

s%ould as1 to $o to 5ort An$eles/ sc%ool/.

li)e' really* .By t%e "ay' is it o1ay if

.&ure' s"eetie'. s%e says' still smilin$ t%at mot%erly smile* t's 1inda "eird' actually* #oo "ide* .>ust be %ome for dinner* Carlisle "ill be bac1

today and %e usually %as "or1 to do in %is study' so dinner "ill be at ei$%t instead of se)en*. nod "it% a dip of my c%in* .All ri$%t*. 8sme returns to t%e 1itc%en' and muffin* #%e silence isn't comfortable* .A "ord of ad)ice'. 8d"ard says 0uietly' and "%en loo1 up at %im' %is $o bac1 to nibblin$ on my blueberry

eyes are focused on %is plate* .&"itc% off your p%one before dinner*. fro"n* .(%at/. He finally meets my $a:e* #%ere's no emotion "%atsoe)er in %is e9pression* Flat' dead* .Dad doesn't li1e "%en dinners $et interrupted*. 6mm4/ .+1ay' 'll turn it off'. ans"er "it% a s%ru$*

He e9%ales and $i)es a 2er1y nod' and t%en "e're 0uiet a$ain* (eird fuc1in$ family* =C38= .#ime to spill' &"an'. ?ose says "%en "e ta1e our seats at t%e diner %ere in For1s* #%e s%oppin$ trip to 5ort An$eles "ent by in a flas%' and ?ose and C%arlotte "eren't o)erly tal1ati)e* "or1s/ li1ed t%at* But $uess t%at's o)er no"* (it% t%e clot%es bou$%t' out come t%e 0uestions/ s t%at %o" it

.&pill about "%at/. and C%arlotte did*

as1' stic1in$ a stra" in my soda* &ince 'm %a)in$ didn't buy a %ambur$er li1e ?ose

dinner "it% t%e Cullens in %alf an %our'

.About Cullen' du%*. C%arlotte smir1s' $reen eyes s%o"in$ amusement* &%e's 2ust li1e ?ose' ')e noticed' "%ic% means li1e %er' too* #%e only difference bet"een t%e t"o is t%eir appearance* (%ereas ?ose is blond and blue-eyed' C%arlotte couldn't loo1 more ris% "it% %er fiery %air' li$%t $reen eyes' and frec1les* .Ho" is it li)in$ "it% t%e royalty of For1s/. ?ose adds "it% a "ic1ed $rin* #%ere's not%in$ "ic1ed about my e9pression' t%ou$%* 'm 2ust confused* .7oyalty/. #%ere's not%in$ royal about t%e Cullens' is t%ere/ &ure' t%ey're all blessed "it% $ood loo1s and money' but4e%* C%arlotte nods* .+%' yea%* #%e c%armin$ doctor' %is perfect "ife' and t%eir4. &%e scrunc%es %er nose in dis$ust* .(ell' "ords to describe t%e 1id t%ey produced*. . do'. ?ose %uffs and starts countin$ on %er fin$ers* .He's an arro$ant' pompous' )icious' cruel actor*. &%e nods firmly* .Fuc1in$ bully' t%at one*. &o ')e noticed* .(%at do you mean by actor/. ?ose s%ru$s* .+r sc%i:o* (%ate)er floats your boat*. $i)e %er a loo1 don't %a)e enou$%

as1in$ to clarify' and s%e does* . f you $o and as1 any adult in t%is s%itty little to"n "%at t%ey t%in1 of 8d"ard Cullen' t%ey "ill tell you t%at %e's a 'c%armin$ youn$ man' meant for $reat success'4crap li1e t%at*. really fuc1in$ doubt t%at* . 'm tellin$ you' Bella'. s%e s%a1es %er %ead and pours a massi)e amount of 1etc%up on %er fries' .%e %as so many people fooled* mean' "ouldn't say t%at %e's an ass-1isser around adults' 'cause %e sure as %ell isn't* He's 0uiet and polite enou$%' but bein$ %is dad's son $i)es %im t%e same praise* No one spea1s badly about %im*.

.3ea%'

don't see t%at'.

reply' still feelin$ incredibly confused* .He's a e9claim' rememberin$ t%e party %e don't $et "%y e)eryone

complete dic1 at sc%ool' and4s%it;. treats %im li1e a $od;.

too1 me to* .Last "ee1end,"%at t%e fuc1*

.7ost $irls t%in1 %e's %ot as %ell'. C%arlotte says nonc%alantly* .#o stupid people' %otness is an e9cuse to lac1 of manners*. ?ose and %er su$ary s"eet smile* .As for t%e $uys4. .#%e $uys fear %im'. ?ose finis%es* .#%e $irls "ant %im' "%ic% is "%y %e can $et a"ay "it% e)eryt%in$ around t%em' and t%e $uys fear %im enou$% to ma1e sure Cullen's reputation around adults is maintained* As in' t%ey don't tal1 s%it about %im*. &%e rolls %er eyes* . don't 1no" %o" %e mana$es to 1eep it all up' but %e does* 8)en "%en %e s%o"s up at sc%ool "it% cuts and bruises*. 7y eyes "iden at t%at* .3ea%' eyebro"s* He $ets into fi$%ts a lot*. (o"' don't 1no" %o" many times ')e seen t%at fuc1er "it% blac1 eyes' a fuc1in$ limp' and split ne)er "ould')e t%ou$%t* Literally' 'm stunned* 3ea%' %e's a pric1' a bully* But t%at %e actually fi$%ts4 .And don't $et me started on %is friends in &eattle*. .(%at about t%em/. s%are a "all "it%* %onestly don't 1no" "%ere my curiosity stems from' but remember 2ust as1' all but dying to 1no" more about t%e $uy c%uc1le at

feelin$ a similar need for ans"ers yesterday and t%e day before* fact' %e dod$ed most of t%em* And t%en4"ell' 'm a $lutton for punis%ment* As soon as $et %i$%' %e can treat me %o" %e "ants* Not%in$ matters to me* 'm not%in$* (%en 'm %i$%' t%ere are no 0uestions in my %ead* >ust not%in$* .+%'

as1ed random 0uestions' "%ic% %e al"ays seemed reluctant to ans"er* n

don't 1no" t%em personally'. ?ose says' ta1in$ a bite from %er

bur$er*

.(%o does/. C%arlotte counters dryly* And ?ose nods' s"allo"in$ before s%e continues* .#%at's true* don't

1no" "%o %e's friends "it% in &eattle' but t%ey're not $ood $uys' t%at's for sure* ')e seen %im rou$% up a fe" $uys in sc%ool' but not enou$% to $i)e bruises' ya 1no"/ &ometimes' t%ou$%' "%en %e $ets bac1 from t%e city4. &%e trails off' s%a1in$ %er %ead* .And instead of bein$ smart and cut t%at s%it out' %e smir1s and bra$s about "%o %e put in t%e %ospital* Fuc1in$ douc%e*. sit bac1 in my seat' lettin$ t%e $irls' "ords sin1 in* A part of me is dis$usted by %im* He t%in1s so damn %i$%ly of %imself t%at it ma1es my s1in cra"l* And t%e t%in$s ')e "itnessed so far4<od' %e can s%o)e a $uy a$ainst a loc1er 2ust for accidently "al1in$ into %im* Accordin$ to 8d"ard Cullen' you're considered luc1y to breat%e t%e same air as %im* But t%ere's somet%in$ else4 can't put my fin$er on it' but purse my lips* No' 2ittery t%ere's 2ust somet%in$ about %im' especially "%en %e's at %ome' t%at ma1es %im come off as4 don't 1no"42ittery/ but4more* si$%* (%ate)er* t's not li1e care about %im* loo1 up from my soda* .No" "e')e told is not t%e ri$%t "ord* An9ious/ No' not t%at' eit%er* &tiff* 3ea%' 1inda'

.All ri$%t'. C%arlotte says' and

you a bunc% of stuff*. &%e $rins* .3our turn*. .Ho"'s t%e se9/. s%e adds' "a$$lin$ %er eyebro"s* c%uc1le and reac% o)er to s"ipe a Frenc% fry from ?ose's plate before t%ro"in$ it at C%arlotte*

.+%' come on;. s%e cries out* .Don't tell me you're one of those $irls*. &%e tosses %er %air o)er %er s%oulder and spea1s "it% a c%ildli1e )oice' .+o%' sorry' but don't fuc1 and tell*.

lau$% at %er' s%a1in$ my %ead in amusement* =C38= (%en $et bac1 to t%e Cullens'' 8sme is 2ust ser)in$ dinner*

.Nice to see you a$ain' sabella'. Carlisle says' ta1in$ %is seat at t%e %ead of t%e table* .8sme told me you "ere out "it% your ne" friends/. c%ance a 0uic1 pee1 at 8d"ard' "%o sits do"n across from me' and %is eyes are do"ncast* .3es'. reply' facin$ Carlisle* .?osalie Hale and C%arlotte (%itloc1*.

He loo1s pensi)e for a s%ort moment before noddin$ once4li1e %e's appro)in$* .#%ey're $ood $irls*. e9pect a 2ibe about ?ose comin$ from 8d"ard' but %e 1eeps 0uiet* .#%an1s'. say 0uietly as 8sme offers me t%e salad bo"l*

Dinner "it% t%e Cullens is "eird* #ense' a"1"ard' stiff* 8sme as1s about Carlisle's time in &eattle' and %e starts tal1in$ about stuff in t%e medical field* can't really say t%at understand any of it' so 1eep my eyes on t%e plate before me* #%ere's not%in$ can offer' any"ay*

.By t%e "ay' 8d"ard4. Carlisle clears %is t%roat* . spo1e "it% Dr* Blac1 from t%e %ospital*. for1 a piece of c%ic1en and brin$ it to my mout%' still surprised at t%e fact t%at 8d"ard is )olunteerin$ at Carlisle's "or1* &ure' %e said t%at %e does it so t%at Carlisle and 8sme "ill $i)e %im %is o"n %ouse' but4 don't

1no"' it 2ust seems4odd*

mean' 8d"ard doesn't e9actly appear to be $uess 2ust t%ou$%t %e'd $et t%at

depri)ed around %ere* His car is lu9urious' %is clot%es are desi$ner label' and e)eryt%in$ 2ust screams money* e9perience a t%ou$%t' but "%en .&omet%in$ "ron$/. %ouse no matter "%at* Not t%at ')e $i)en 8d"ard's future colle$e do t%in1 about it' it's 2ust "eird*

%ear 8d"ard as1 0uietly*

reac% for my $lass of "ater' $lancin$ at Cullen in t%e process' and %e loo1s li1e %o" described dinner "it% t%is family,tense' a"1"ard' stiff*

.(ell' apparently t%ere "as a problem today/. Carlisle arc%es a bro" and laces %is fin$ers to$et%er on t%e table* He loo1s oddly calm* .&omet%in$ about Dr* Blac1's son "%o "as t%ere to )isit/. fro"n and loo1 at 8d"ard' "onderin$ "%y Carlisle's 2ust4 dunno4 %intin$* ?e$ardless' 8d"ard seems to understand and nods "it% a dip of %is c%in* Not%in$ else' t%ou$%* No "ords' no e9planation* Li1e said: "eird fuc1in$ family* "ould describe t%is'

f it "as tense before' t%is4 don't e)en 1no" %o" but it's palpable*

. s t%ere any dessert toni$%t' darlin$/. Carlisle as1s48sme'

assume*

.Absolutely' dear'. s%e replies s"eetly* . made pie* Lemon merin$ue*. focus on my food' despite t%e lac1 of %un$er* All "ant is to %ide out in my room' preferably 'til $raduation' and t%en

'm so out of %ere*

.(ell' dinner "as delicious'. Carlisle $oes on* .But 2ust "%at "ant* 3gh* .8d"ard'

t%in1

better stop

%ere*. He c%uc1les* .Need to ma1e room for pie*. 5ie* 3ea%' 'cause t%at's %a)e some t%in$s 'd li1e to discuss "it% you* Ho" about "e do t%at "%ile "e "ait for dessert/. .Dad' A 4. .No"' son*. .Come on' Bella'. 8sme says softly* .5er%aps you could $i)e me a %and in t%e 1itc%en/. $uess dinner's o)er* .6m' o1ay'. respond dumbly* Carlisle and 8d"ard %elp 8sme clear t%e table can "%ip up some 2ust nod

disappear do"n t%e %all and up t%e stairs' and cream' and since and comply* After pourin$ t%e cream into a bo"l' started*

before "e %ead to t%e 1itc%en* +nce t%ere' s%e as1s if

apparently don't %a)e anyt%in$ better to do'

plu$ in t%e electric mi9er and $et

.Do you li1e stra"berries' s"eetie/. 8sme as1s o)er t%e noise of t%e mi9er* &%e %olds up a container of stra"berries for me to see* . t%ou$%t t%ey "ould $o "ell "it% t%e pie*. &ure t%in$' 7art%a &te"art* .&tra"berries are $ood'. small s%ru$* &%e smiles "idely* s%a1e my %ead internally and return my focus to t%e cream* #od, I miss my parents. A fe" moments later' t%e cream is done* .Anyt%in$ else can %elp "it%/. ans"er "it% a

.+%' sure;. A$ain "it% t%e fuc1in$ smilin$* .3ou could set t%e table-. &%e's cut off by t%e sound of a door slammin$ s%ut* At least' t%at's "%at t%in1 it "as* .+1ay'. s%e breat%es out' noddin$ to %erself* t%e plates are/. =C38= 8sme and seat* t's uncomfortable* . t's a ne" recipe'. 8sme $us%es* Loo1in$ in t%e direction of "%ere Carlisle came from' ditc%in$ me* And' if %e is' %o" did %e $et out of it/ a"ay myself* .(%ere's 8d"ard/. as1* "onder if 8d"ard's "ouldn't mind $ettin$ sit at t%e table for about ten minutes before Carlisle emer$es* fro"n' confused* And t%en

t%e smile is bac1 on %er face* .3ou could set t%e table* 3ou 1no" "%ere

He smiles and ad2usts %is tie* .#%is loo1s li1e a feast'. %e says' ta1in$ %is

8sme busies %erself slicin$ up pie for us' and Carlisle loo1s confused* .He didn't say $oodbye/. (%at/ .6%' no/. .Hu%*. He smiles at 8sme' noddin$ in t%an1s for t%e pie' t%en turns to me a$ain* . $uess %e "as in a %urry' t%en*. He s%ru$s* .He told me a friend needed %im*. .h.

loo1 do"n at my plate' fro"nin$* .Di$ in'. 8sme c%imes in* =C38= +ou $ust took off& Bella. here are you& Bella. %re you at the ca"in& Call me. Bella. Can you )ick u) the fucking )hone !hen I call& Bella. Dammit* Ed!ard, It-s "een t!o hours no!. Bella. I drove to the ca"in. (ur)rise* sur)rise* you !eren-t there. Bella. I $ust called Emmett* and you-re not !ith him or Peter. you& Bella. .alked to your )arents. .hey say you might stay over at a friend-s house& Bella. It-s almost t!o in the fucking morning. C%//, Bella. +ou kno! !hat& 0uck you* Cullen. Bella. Ed!ard. 'ose told me a"out your friends in (eattle. %re you there& Please call me. Bella. It-s three %1 no!. I need to slee). Can you $ust te2t me* at least& Bella. =C38= stifle a ya"n' so $oddamn tired' but can't sleep* here are

#%e last te9t course* can't rela9* &o'

sent %im' about ten minutes a$o' %as $one unans"ered' of

read* +r4 try*

But t%en' a mo)ement in t%e corner of my eye ma1es me loo1 up from my boo1' and $asp' seein$ 8d"ard standin$ in t%e door"ay to my room* 7y re$ister is %is face* %eart starts beatin$ furiously* #%e ne9t t%in$ .8d"ard; (%at happened/. He s%ru$s' "a)in$ me off* .Can come in/.

&tarin$ at %im incredulously' ?ose's "ords from t%e diner come bac1 to me* #%ey $o on repeat in my %ead' and can't fuc1in$ belie)e "%y %e "ould %an$ out "it% t%ose people in &eattle* #%en a$ain' %e's only been $one for about fi)e %ours' and &eattle is almost four %ours a"ay* . f you tell me "%at %appened'. response' and for some reason* !o much "or not caring. .Fine'. si$% 0uietly* .3ou don't %a)e to tal1' but4can 4. s"allo" %ard' $rit out* He clenc%es %is 2a" in can also feel my "orry $ro"4

can feel my eyes soften*

forcin$ myself to $o on* .Can 4/. and my feet carry me to"ard %im* He s%udders "%en .&orry'.

can't continue' but "it% my "ea1

$esture at %is face' %e appears to understand* He $i)es me a slo" nod'

trace %is crac1ed lip "it% my fin$er*

"%isper* .(e $otta clean it' 8d"ard*.

<ently' %e pulls my %and a"ay from my face* . t's o1ay* t's not%in$*. He tries to smir1' but it doesn't "or1* He flinc%es instead' t%ou$% %e tries to come off as cool and collected* .3ou s%ould see t%e ot%er $uy'. %e c%uc1les* don't buy it* #%ere's a storm ra$in$ be%ind t%e %umor in %is eyes* .Did you $et my te9ts/. as1*

He stares do"n at me for a beat or t"o before $i)in$ me a stiff nod* breat%e out* .(%y didn't you4. Call me, te6t me, let me know that you were ali%e. Bursts of an$er flas%es t%rou$% me' but not%in$ is directed at %im* 'm mad at myself* For as1in$' for "onderin$' for practically stal1in$ %im' for $i)in$ a s%it* pric1* .&orry'. %e replies lamely' loo1in$ do"n* . ' u%4. He meets my $a:e a$ain and tries to pull off anot%er smir1* t doesn't "or1 )ery "ell* .A fe" friends of mine from &eattle "ere in 5ort A' and "e ran into some trouble4. He trails off' loo1in$ into space* .Friends/. as1 in dis$ust* .3ou call t%em "riends/. s%ouldn't care* #%is is 8d"ard Cullen' remember/ <rade A

He s%ru$s* .(%ate)er* 'm bac1 no"' all ri$%t/. Deep breaths. rein in t%e fury* s"allo" it do"n* .Come on'. breat%e out* .Let's $et

t%at cleaned up*. <rabbin$ %is %and' bat%room* .&it do"n'.

lead %im across t%e %all"ay to t%e

mutter' "a)in$ a %and at t%e toilet*

.#in1s' you don't %a)e to-. .>ust let me do t%is' o1ay/. Fuc1' snap*

%ate %o" t%is boy $ets under my s1in* +r rat%er' t%at %e's don't "ant to care* Not about %im' not

beginning to $et under my s1in* about anything %ere in For1s* 'm not a damn doctor' so le$s* can'

don't really 1no" "%at 'm doin$*

2ust $rab a

fe" tissues' dab t%em in cold "ater' and t%en position myself bet"een %is s"allo" %ard' loo1in$ do"n at %is bruised face* As carefully as s"ipe a corner of t%e tissue under %is bottom lip* su$$est ner)ously' $ently

.7aybe you s%ould let your dad loo1 at it'. "ipin$ a"ay some dried blood* .No'. %e replies flatly' 0uietly* . t's o1ay* my room*. (%o %as t%at stuff in t%eir rooms/ *aybe people who want to become doctors. c%e" on my lip* .(anna $o $et it/.

%a)e some antibacterial $el in

.#in1s4. He si$%s and rests %is %ands on my %ips* .Don't4don't do t%is' all ri$%t/. 7y bro"s 1nit to$et%er' and %e drops %is fore%ead to my ribca$e* . 'm fine'. %e mumbles* . 2ust need some sleep*. say not%in$* #%in$s are so far from .fine.* nternally' 'm stru$$lin$* +ne part "ants to 1ic1 %is ass for %an$in$ out "it% losers' and anot%er part "ants to 2ust fuc1in$ %u$ %im or somet%in$ e0ually lame* But don't "ant affection in my life anymore* As soon as

you open up to someone' it's only a matter of time before t%ey stab you in t%e bac1* And if you're really luc1y' t%ey "ill t"ist t%e 1nife a little bit' too* 3ou 1no"' for $ood measure and all* .6m' 'm $onna %it t%e sac1'. %e mutters' slo"ly detan$lin$ %imself from me* let %im and i$nore t%e side of me t%at is still ac%in$ for4 something* stand still' numb' .&c%ool tomorro"'. %e adds' li1e a 0uiet reminder* door* (%en %ear %is door clic1 s%ut' 'm still standin$ in t%e bat%room*

"atc%in$ %im as %e stands* .<oodni$%t*. (it% t%at said' %e slips out t%e

t's "eird@ my mind is bot% silent and loud* t's %ard to e9plain' but it's li1e 'm completely di)ided* s0uee:e my eyes s%ut and fi$%t e9%austion' don't 1no" "%at it is' but it's ma1in$ confusion' and4something else*

my c%est ac%e* #%ere's numbness and pain' loss and resi$nation* #%ere's t%is $apin$ %ole* 8)eryt%in$ 2ust sucks ri$%t no"* 5ast' present' future*

Chapter song #i%ing It 3p For $ou by 0olly 'rook EPOV +)er t%e ne9t se)eral "ee1s' 'm barely %an$in$ on* "%at a "ea1 pussy am* n one corner' eyes* n anot%er corner' $uess it s%o"s

%a)e #in1s and %er "atc%ful

%a)e Dad "aitin$ for me to fuc1 up* n t%e t%ird

corner'

%a)e t%e people at sc%ool* #%ey're easy enou$% to fool' t%ou$% can't %andle for no"* can rela9* %a)e t%e cabin' "%ic% is t%e only place

8mmett's be$innin$ to notice stu""' but it's not%in$ Last but not least' #in1s is usually t%ere "it% me' of course' but all

need to do is $et %er

%i$% and t%en %er 0uestions cease* +% yea%' %er 0uestions* si$%' fallin$ bac1 a$ainst my bed* #o %er' t%e 0uestions may be innocent' but t%ey're not* Why are you hanging out with those dipshits "rom !eattle( 0ow did you meet them in the "irst place( What is that you do when you lock yoursel" in your room e%ery !unday( Why don't Emmett and 5eter know your so:called "riends "rom !eattle( 0ow come your parents don't react when you show up with bruises( $roan 0uietly in t%e dar1ness* Anot%er sleepless ni$%t* #%ey come too often no"adays* can't ans"er #in1s' 0uestions' ob)iously* nstead find myself snappin$

at %er* t's all out of control* #oo many lines %a)e been blurred' and it's all #in1s' fault* Had s%e not li)ed "it% us' s%e "ouldn't 1no" anyt%in$* &%e "ouldn't be suspicious' but as it is' can tell t%at s%e "on't bac1 off* (%o 1ne" s%e'd act li1e a $oddamn interro$ator/ Can't s%e 2ust4stop/ ')e told %er repeatedly to 2ust mind %er o"n fuc1in$ business' but t%e bitc% "on't relent* t started t%at ni$%t about t"o "ee1s a$o* #%e day a 1id named >acob Blac1 fuc1ed up my face* (ell' %e did it indirectly* +r' %ell' maybe to "or1* s%ould blame Dr* &ara% Fuc1in$ Blac1 for brin$in$ %er son

.Edward, could you 2ust watch 1acob here "or ten minutes() I look up "rom the charts I'm supposed to bring to Dr. #erandy;the doctor who Dad will take o%er "or soon;and I see a kid standing at the nurses' station. 0e can't be more than nine or ten, and/Dr. 'lack wants me to watch him( What. he. Fuck( Do I look like a "ucking babysitter( .0is sisters;you'%e met 7achel and 7ebecca;they're 2ust "inishing up their shi"ts and will be here in ten minutes, tops.) .3m/) I rub the back o" my neck. )I don't know what to do.) he kid 2ust stands there, staring at me. Freaky. Dr. 'lack smiles. ).h, 2ust keep him company. I'd do it, but I ha%e surgery now. &ike I said, it's 2ust ten minutes.) &ooking down at her son, she says, )$ou'll beha%e, won't you, honey() >acob Blac1 didn't be%a)e for s%it* #%e 1id too1 off as soon as %is mom "as out of si$%t' and %alf %our trac1in$ %im do"n until %e %ad already tras%ed t%e fuc1in$ place* Dr* Blac1 "asn't mad at me* &%e "as' %o"e)er' pissed at t%e little s%it s%e calls son* 7y dad san$ a different tune' t%ou$%* (%ile Dr* Blac1 %ad called Dad to apolo$i:e for >acob' Dad too1 off in anot%er direction* embarrassed %im* .$ou can't e%en look a"ter a ten:year:old child() he asks angrily as soon as I close the door to his o""ice. I swallow, praying that inks won't hear anything. hey're downstairs= we're on the second "loor. !he shouldn't be able to hear. )+nswer me, Edward4) I manage not to gulp as I "ace him. spent t%e ne9t

found %im in a supply closet* By t%en'

)0ow the "uck do you e6pect people to put their li%es in your hands when you can't watch a kid without losing him() .I/) I ha%e nothing to say. -othing will be good enough, anyway. 0is smirk sends a chill down my spine. We'%e stood like this so many times in the past;him, cool and collected, arms "olded across his chest, and me/ I'm 2ust trying to look calm, e%en though we both know I'm not. Don't "idget. 'reathe. !tand tall. Chin up. Don't a%ert your eyes. .-othing to say "or yoursel"() he asks, taking a step toward me. I ball my hands into "ists, "orcing them not to shake. he hairs on the back o" my neck stand at attention. .Do you ha%e any idea what this says about me() he grits out. I swallow hard again, seeing the angry %ein in his "orehead. )7y son, who is o"" to one o" the most prestigious schools this "all/) 0e shakes his head at me. )0e can't e%en look a"ter an innocent child, but he's supposed to hold a scalpel() 0e takes another step. I break out in a cold sweat. 5lease, please, please don't let inks hear. + breath. )It It won't happen again, sir.) Dad barks out a laugh;a cold, humorless laugh. )Well, you're damn right about that, son4) 0e sneers at me. )+"ter all, we know what it takes "or you not to repeat a mistake, don't we()

With a last step, he's in my "ace, and I s9uee,e my eyes shut. When I was little, I cried. When I was little, I apologi,ed and begged. I don't anymore, because it ne%er helped. he "irst "ist hits me s9uare in the 2aw. I stumble back and bite the inside o" my cheek to keep 9uiet. Don't make a sound. Don't make a fuc1in$ sound, Cullen4 .0ow many times do I ha%e to tell you() he snarls, grabbing my arm pain"ully hard. )I need you at the top o" your "ucking game4) I "linch and cower away as he raises his hand again, but there's no escaping. 0e punches me, and I accidently let out a whimper as my lip cracks. Fuck, "uck, "uck. he pain radiates through my body. )!hut the "uck up, you pussy4) he seethes in my ear. )#od, what a "ucking 2oke you are. What i" your "riends could see you now, huh() With a sho%e, he has me on the "loor. I land on my ass with a muted thud, and I cringe as I cup my 2aw. It's de"initely not broken, but it's gonna be sore "or days. Fuck, I can already "eel a headache taking up residency. 5ounding, pounding, pounding away. Dad towers o%er me, smirking again. )What i" sabella could see you now() .Dad,) I croak. I can "eel mysel" paling. )Don't/) 5lease, please, please don't. 0e chuckles. ).h, don't worry, son. I wouldn't want that pretty girl to know what a weakling my son is.) he glare is back. I know what's coming. )I wish I had a son I could be proud o",) he spits out, and then he kicks me in the stomach. I choke on a breath. 0e kicks again. +ll the air

lea%es me in a whoosh, causing my lungs to burn. ears sting behind my closed eyes, but I re"use to let that shit "all. E%erything is aching and throbbing. I end up in a "etal position. *y ears ring. .-ow, get the "uck out o" my o""ice,) he snaps. +s "ast as I can, I scramble to my "eet, clutching my stomach. I run up to my room on the third "loor. I grab my keys, my wallet, my 2acket. I'm "ucking panting. )1esus "uck,) I cough. #otta get out. #otta get out. hank"ully, I can hear both *om and inks in the kitchen, and I don't run into them as I rush out the door. I a%oid the rear%iew mirror as I peel out o" the dri%eway, because I don't want to see my own "ace. I don't want to see Dad's handiwork, and I don't want to see the e%idence o" how "ucking lame I am. hough, 2ust because I can't see it doesn't mean I don't "eel it. +s I dri%e away "rom Forks, e%erything rushes through me. !hame, hatred, hopelessness, anger, bla,ing "ucking "ury, more shame, embarrassment/ n t%e dar1ness of my room' fuc1in$ $ently "%en e9%ale* remember %er te9ts from t%at ni$%t* #%ey're sa)ed in my p%one* &%e tried to find me* t "as almost as if s%e "as4worried* (orried about me* (%ile stood par1ed in some alley in 5ort A' 2ust passin$ time' s%e "as* $%ost t%e pad of my t%umb across my

bottom lip,t%e spot "%ere Dad crac1ed it' t%e spot #in1s touc%ed so returned t%at ni$%t*

"ondered "%ere #%at's ne"*

But bac1 to t%e matter at %and "%ere s%e's almost ma1in$ me lose my $oddamn mind: %er 0uestions started t%at ni$%t,"%en s%e %asn't stopped as1in$ since* All %ars%* #ell %er to s%ut t%e fuc1 up* 'Cause lose myself in e)ery no" and t%en' and smo1in$' t%e fuc1in$* 0er* A $lance at t%e cloc1 %as me $roanin$ into my pillo"* fuc1in$ can't* Dad's 0uestionin$ me tomorro" about t%e %uman body's process "%en you $et sic1,%o" t%e body fi$%ts a )irus,and &eattle' and can't afford to fail* ')e been luc1y' %a)in$ only earned one beatin$ since %e returned from don't "ant to c%an$e t%at* #%an1fully' t%e topic is easy enou$% t%is time* (e're co)erin$ different 1inds of fe)er' one of "%ic% is a si$n of t%e body pus%in$ a"ay )iruses' and t%en "e %a)e %yperpyre9ia' tertian fe)er' remittent' neutropenic4t%e list $oes on* (it%out loo1in$' reac% for t%e ni$%tstand "%ere my p%one is* need to sleep' but $ot %ome,and can do' really' is snap at %er* Be can't a)oid %er* &%e's t%e one need t%at* #%e cabin' t%e

lea)e on >une FFnd* <raduation is on t%e Gt%* Finals are t"o "ee1s before,little o)er a mont% from today* De"initely not going to the "ucking prom. Deep breat%s* 'll be out of %ere soon* =C38= collapse on t%e bed' out of breat%' and stare up at t%e ceilin$*

blin1 repeatedly* .Fuc1'. pant*

#in1s is ne9t to me' also tryin$ to catc% %er breat%* After Dad's 0uestionin$ today' t%is "as "%at passed "it% flyin$ colors' it "as still tense* 'm fuc1in$ $lad #in1s a$reed to it' but no" t%at "e're done' 'm still not ready to lea)e* #iltin$ my %ead to t%e side' "%en "atc% %er face' satisfied sit up and see a small' la:y smir1 playin$ on %er lips* t means s%e's still pull on my bo9ers and t-s%irt before needed* 8)en t%ou$%

%i$%' and maybe "e don't %a)e to lea)e ri$%t a"ay* &o' discard t%e condom' and t%en floppin$ bac1 do"n on t%e bed a$ain* .(ant more to smo1e/. as1 0uietly*

&%e releases a breat%' turnin$ %er %ead in my direction*

smile softly'

en2oyin$ t%is loo1 on #in1s* Carefree' rela9ed* t ta1es a couple of years off %er' and s%e loo1s noticeably youn$er* t ma1es me "onder 2ust a little about "%at pain s%e's carryin$ at all ot%er times* For some reason' t%in1 it's 2ust t%e deat% of %er parents* #%ere's more' but "%at and' li1e ')e mentioned before' "orry about* .&ure'. s%e si$%s softly* .Li$%t one up* 'm 2ust $onna $et dressed a$ain*. nod and reac% do"n to "%ere my 2eans are on t%e floor* Bac1 poc1et* #%ere are t%ree more 2oints in t%e Hiploc ba$' and my room* #ime for anot%er trip to 5ort A soon* 7oments later' #in1s is bac1 in 2eans and a snu$ %oodie' a serene e9pression on %er face as s%e ta1es a pull from t%e 2oint* 'm on my side' propped up on my elbo"' "%ile s%e's on %er bac1' eyes on t%e ceilin$* %a)e t"o %idden in don't don't 1no"

%a)e too muc% of my o"n s%it to

lic1 my bottom lip' tastin$ t%e s"eet' yet stron$ fla)or t%at t%e pot lea)es be%ind* And %ate t%at 'm $ro"in$ curious* don't "ant to as1 %er "%at don't "ant to 1no" "%y s%e's t%in1in$ about* don't "ant %er troubles*

s%e %as ni$%tmares or "%y s%e insists on scrubbin$ %erself clean eac% ni$%t to t%e point "%ere %er s1in is red* +%' ')e noticed* t started innocently enou$%, 2ust as1ed if to my room' and an %our later' could fuc1 %er in t%e s%o"er* &%e said "ent bac1 no before disappearin$ into %er bat%room' and t%at "as t%at*

"as on my "ay to restoc1 t%e mini frid$e

in my room' only to "al1 out "%en #in1s left t%e bat%room "it% a small to"el "rapped around %er* #%e red blotc%es on %er s1in "ere enou$% for my dic1 to calm do"n* #%e 0uestion "as ri$%t t%ere' on t%e tip of my ton$ue' but %eld bac1*

After t%at' ')e not-so-accidently "al1ed out of my room a fe" times' ri$%t after t%e "ater's s%ut off* And e)ery time' %er s1in is red* &ometimes %er eyes' too* . t's not nice to stare'. s%e says 0uietly' brin$in$ me out of my %a:e* .Here*. &%e %ands me t%e 2oint* ta1e it and brin$ it to my lips* . 'm not a nice person*. and %old t%e smo1e in my lun$s* feel %ea)y in t%e best "ays* La:y' slo"' empty* 8yes $la:e o)er* .#%at's by c%oice' isn't it/. 7y bro"s furro"* .(%at do you mean/. .#%at you're not nice to people* t's by c%oice*. in%ale deeply

0ere we go* #in1s*.

s"ear' s%e'd ma1e an e9cellent s%rin1* .>ust be 0uiet'

&%e c%uc1les softly' facin$ t%e ceilin$ a$ain* A si$%* . li1e it "%en you call me t%at'. s%e "%ispers' and pain clouds %er features for 2ust a second before it's $one a$ain* .#in1s' you mean/. &%e nods slo"ly' acceptin$ t%e 2oint a$ain' and (%ile s%e %olds %er breat%' 1iss %er softly* smile and lean closer to

%er face* 7y lips $%ost o)er %er c%ee1' %er temple' do"n %er 2a" line*

1iss %er for t%e sa1e of 1issin$ %er* .+pen your mout% and close your eyes'. s%e "%ispers* do as told' feelin$ %er mout% brus%in$ a$ainst mine before s%e e9%ales smo1e* s%i)er* Bella &"an is soft-spo1en and affectionate "%en s%e's %i$%* find myself re)elin$ in it* #%ere's a tu$$in$ $oin$ on inside of me' but "%en s%e brus%es %er fin$ers o)er my c%ee1' smilin$ a little into t%e 1iss' t%e tu$$in$ ceases* don't understand my o"n body* 7aybe 'm not a te9tboo1 case* 7aybe can't find ans"ers about myself in Dad's boo1s* .(%o 1ne" 8d"ard Cullen "as a fuc1in$ cuddler/. s%e $i$$les as nu::le

%er nec1* 'm too rela9ed to tell %er to piss off for t%at comment* nstead' 2ust sna1e my arm around %er "aist and %old %er ti$%tly* 8yes still closed* #%e outside "orld doesn't e9ist at t%is moment* feel "arm'

en)eloped* Ne" feelin$* t's li1e "%en #in1s "orried about me and sent me all t%ose te9ts* si$% contentedly' %itc%in$ a le$ o)er %ers*

+nce t%e 2oint is $one' "e stay in t%is position* t's 0uiet for se)eral minutes' and 'm 2ust sa)orin$ e)eryt%in$* Her fin$ers in my %air' %er scent' %er lips on my fore%ead' le$s tan$led* .Do you remember anyt%in$ from 5%oeni9/. s%e as1s softly' 0uietly' "istfully* s0uee:e %er to me' feelin$ t%at tu$ inside of me a$ain* .Not really'. mumble* "as only fi)e "%en "e left Ari:ona* 1no" t%at "e "ere "ere close' but t%is is from nei$%bors "it% t%e &"ans and t%at #in1s and "%at 7om %as told me* From t%at time' remember and one memory* "ere t%ree or four4 . miss my parents' 8d"ard'. s%e breat%es out' follo"ed by a "%imper* #u$$in$' t"istin$' c%urnin$* scre" my eyes s%ut* 7y t%roat feels t%ic1* #%ere's not%in$ .<od' t%ey "ould %ate me'. s%e cries 0uietly' snifflin$* can do*

only %a)e one feelin$ t%at t%in1 "e

recall %eat and soft $rass under my feet*

remember t%e desert air* As for my memory' it %as #in1s in it*

$rind my teet%

to$et%er' confused by %er statement' but in too muc% pain to open my mout%* 'm torn* !hut the "uck up, inks. -o, wait. ell me e%erything* Life 2ust fuc1in$ suc1s* don't "ant to carry %er burden' but t%ere's t%is ur$e to tell %er t%at 'm %ere for %er* .Don't be stupid'. ne)er %ate you*. mutter' droppin$ a 1iss on %er s%oulder* .#%ey could

From all t%e p%otos ')e seen' it's pretty fuc1in$ clear t%at t%e &"ans "ere $ood* (arm and lo)in$ and s%it* told %er t%ey lo)ed %er* . 'm sorry'. s%e sobs* >esus fuc1in$ Christ' t"ist t%e 1nife a little deeper' "ill ya/ Detan$lin$ myself from %er' sit up a$ainst t%e %eadboard and pull %er "it% me* &%e ends up on my lap' curled into a little ball' and4and s%e 2ust cries* &obs* <ut-"renc%in$ fuc1in$ sobs* 2ust %old %er' feelin$ useless' an$ry' defeated' "ea1' tired* &%e 1eeps apolo$i:in$' and apolo$i:e for* Her ne9t "ords' t%ou$%' stop my fuc1in$ %eart* t's a bro1en "%imper' screamin$ of defeat* . 'm sorry for bein$ a "%ore*. free:e* #in1s 1eeps cryin$' soa1in$ my t-s%irt* 7y ears start rin$in$* let out a $ust of air "%en . inks4. reali:e t%at 'm not breat%in$* don't 1no" "%at t%e fuc1 s%e %as to bet t%ey %u$$ed #in1s often* bet t%ey

ta1e a deep breat%' "onderin$ "%y t%e "uck s%e "ould say clear my t%roat* .(%at4. Anot%er

somet%in$ li1e t%at about %erself*

breat%* 1esus* .What t%e %ell do you mean/. 7y %eart is suddenly poundin$* An$er sur$es t%rou$% me' alon$ "it% confusion*

.Hey*. firmly'

nud$e %er' but s%e doesn't respond* &o'

force %er* <ently but

$rab %er c%in and tilt it up* #ears are streamin$ do"n %er c%ee1s*

Her eyes are bloods%ot and full of pain* Her lip trembles* 7ore tears* clenc% my 2a"* An$er ta1es o)er' but it's definitely not directed at %er* .#ell me'. $rit out* don't 1no" %o" it's possible' but s%e loo1s bot% numb

&%e is so $one*

and %eartbro1en* Her eyes $o )acant* . t's 2ust t%e trut%*. &%e sniffles and "ipes a"ay tears* .Actions and "ords4t%ey all spea1 loudly*. A sad smile is t%ere t%en $one in a flas%* .<od' %ead* "ron$* .'ella'. "as so stupid'. s%e $roans' and a "as in lo)e*. &%e s%a1es %er couldn't %a)e been more fres% "a)e of tears spills o)er* . t%ou$%t stiffen* . t%ou$%t it "as real' but "as 2ust %is "%ore-. almost $ro"l* .Don't "ucking say4.

.What/. s%e croa1s* . t's t%e trut%' 8d"ard* He "as my $oddamn teac%er*. stupid 1id blin1* &%oc1' more confusion' ra$e* .And %e played me li1e t%e "as*. &%e lau$%s %umorlessly' and 'm be$innin$ to lose it* . "as

ta1e t%at bac1* Not '"as'* #%is "asn't e)en t"o mont%s a$o* 'm still a fuc1in$ 1id'. s%e mutters* .And "%en t%e trut% came out' %e 2ust4* not%in$* 6seless' "ort%less* His little distraction since t%e fiancIe li)ed so far a"ay*. #%en s%e starts cryin$ a$ain' co)erin$ %er face "it% %er %ands* .8)eryone at sc%ool found out and started callin$ me %ome-"rec1in$ "%ore*. Fuck me* run a %and t%rou$% my %air' tu$$in$ at t%e ends* &%it' %er life t%ou$%t* And t%is %appened t"o mont%s

is e)en more fuc1ed-up t%an

a$o/ Damn* Wait* #%at's pretty muc% "%en %er fol1s died* No "onder s%e escapes it all by $ettin$ %i$%* .#in1s4. %a)e no idea "%at to say*

.Don't*. &%e s%a1es %er %ead' $rimacin$* .#%ere's not%in$ to say* t is "%at it is' and am "%at am*.

narro" my eyes at %er* .3ou're not a fuc1in$ "%ore* s t%at really "%at you think/. s s%e stupid/ &%e offers a one-s%ouldered s%ru$ and a)erts %er eyes* . "as blind' belie)in$ e)ery "ord %e told me* (%en %e "anted me' a"are of e)eryt%in$* "as at %is constant bec1 and call* "as t%ere*. Her eyes meet mine* .And don't you don't ob2ect "%en you "ant to film us' "%en you flinc% as if s%e's

$et it' 8d"ard/ 'm t%e same "it% you* #%e only difference is t%at 'm "ant to fuc1 me' "%en you "ant me to suc1 you off*.

%it me* .No' don't* 'm not sayin$ t%is to ma1e you feel bad* 3ou $i)e me pleasure' too' "%ic% you're )ery a"are of* 'm 2ust statin$ t%e ob)ious* act li1e a fuc1in$ slut*. .#%en don't do it;. "it% me* fuc1* Hell' snap' $larin$ at %er* 'm not fuc1in$ forcin$ %er to be %a)e no problem findin$ someone else to met #in1s* And4

scoff to myself*

still %a)e my four $o-to $irls at 5ort An$eles Community %a)en't spo1en to t%em since

Colle$e4t%ou$%

blo" out a breat%' frustrated as t%e trut% %its me* (%o t%e fuc1 am 1iddin$/

"ouldn't see1 out anot%er $irl* (%y/ Fuc1 if 1no"* $roan internally and close my eyes* #%ere isn't supposed to

#oddammit'

be anyt%in$ special "it% #in1s* &%e's 2ust supposed to be a means to an

end* Casual* A temporary fuc1 'til sc%ool's out* in my life* .8d"ard'. s%e "%ispers' and closer' straddlin$ me' and face* Closer' closer* want to stop*. Li1e a fuc1in$ pussy' C%rist' 'm pat%etic* Cra)in$' needin$* Her* Bella* .#in1s'.

don't "ant to care* &%e's "ant indifference bac1

supposed to be as meanin$less as t%e ot%er $irls*

feel %er fin$ers on my 2a"* &%e scoots feel %er s"eet breat% on my

1eep my eyes closed* t's not fair* None of feel myself rela9in$ a$ain* . don't

t%is is* . can't stop'. s%e breat%es out* lic1 my lips*

"%imper "%en s%e 1isses me*

murmur' 1issin$ %er slo"ly*

cup

%er face' suc1in$ %er bottom lip into my mout%* . need you' baby*. &%e s%i)ers and e9%ales s%a1ily* . need you' too*. =C38= #%e ride bet"een t%e cabin and %ome is 0uiet* unsaid* #%ere's a s%itload sleep' but "ouldn't call it

uncomfortable' because it isn't' but it's ob)ious t%at "ords %a)e been left "ant to as1 about t%e damn teac%er s%e %ad a %eard %er mumble about in %er relations%ip "it% and if t%is is t%e Alec

1eep 0uiet* #%e indifference is permanently $one,it feels li1e

it' any"ay,but 'd be stupid to fis% for e)en more* .8d"ard/. $i)e %er a side"ays $lance' noticin$ t%at s%e loo1s ner)ous* .3ea%/. .3ou4um' you "on't tell anyone' ri$%t/ About4. &%e releases a %ea)y breat%* .About "%at %appened in 5%oeni9*.

s%a1e my %ead minutely' eyes on t%e road* . %a)e no reason to tell anyone about t%at* t's your business*. "ouldn't mind %a)in$ a $o at t%e say 0uietly* ass%ole "%o %urt %er' but4 .3our secret is safe "it% me'. .5romise/. . promise*. (%en loo1 at %er a$ain' see relief* &%e c%uc1les softly' a bit "ryly* . 'm

sorry' by t%e "ay* For brea1in$ do"n bac1 t%ere*. .No "orries*. lot*. .3ea%' but4. n my perip%eral )ision' see %er s%a1in$ %er %ead and %a)en't really reac% o)er and s0uee:e %er %and* .3ou')e $one t%rou$% a

di)ertin$ %er eyes to t%e "indo" on %er side* .#%ese past fe" days %a)e been too muc%* ')e been all emotional and s%it*. Hu%* noticed* . $uess 'm %a)in$ my period or somet%in$ soon*. $rimace* .#7 ' baby* #7 *. &%e rolls %er eyes at me but smiles* =C38= &lo"ly but surely' 'm $ro"in$ used to %a)in$ Dad at %ome more* 'm luc1y %e and 7om decided to eat out toni$%t' t%ou$%' 'cause #in1s and "ouldn't %a)e %ad as muc% time at t%e cabin if t%ey "ere %ome* Alas' t%ey "ere at some fuc1in$ dinner "it% a fe" of Dad's ne" co"or1ers* Not t%at it means escape %im entirely toni$%t' 'cause #in1s and are currently on our "ay do"nstairs to say %ello to my dear parents' "%o 2ust $ot %ome* But 'd rat%er come do"n and say %i t%an %a)e t%em come upstairs* $uess #in1s feels t%e same*

(e find t%em in t%e 1itc%en "%ere Dad is 2ust openin$ a beer and 7om is puttin$ on some coffee* .+%' you're still up'. 7om says bri$%tly upon spottin$ us* &omeone's %ad "ine at dinner* Lots of it* .(e %eard t%e $ara$e door close'. say 0uietly' stoppin$ in t%e "ide

door"ay* .(e "ere on t%e balcony*. #rue* (e "ere t%ere studyin$ for finals* #in1s made some 2o1e about me studyin$ and not payin$ 3or1ie to do it* didn't find it funny* lean a$ainst t%e frame* .Ho" "as dinner/.

try to loo1 casual as

Dad ans"ers' loo1in$ oddly %appy* . t "as )ery $ood' actually* Dr* Blac1 is e9tremely satisfied "it% your "or1*. .h, sweet relie". let out a breat% didn't e)en 1no" "as %oldin$* .#%at's4t%at's $ood*.

For some "eird fuc1in$ reason' my eyes be$in to "ater* #%e "uck/ clear my t%roat and c%an$e t%e topic' totally i$norin$ #in1s' eyes on me* .6m' a 7ic%ael 5atric1 called earlier'. Any"ay' t%e sale "ent t%rou$%*. assume Dad is buyin$,or has bou$%t,anot%er piece of property* t's a %obby of %is' and %e %as %ouses' apartments' and condos all o)er t%e state* .89cellent*. He actually fuc1in$ smiles* Can't belie)e it* e)er seen my dad smile* . ')e been "aitin$ for t%at call*. don't t%in1 ')e say to Dad* .He left a messa$e@ it's on t%e des1 in your study* &omet%in$ about a studio apartment/

.+%' is it for 8d"ard' dear/. 7om as1s %im* Dad nods' and 'm confused* .3es*. He faces me' still smilin$* . suppose no" is as $ood a time as any*. 7om loo1s positi)ely $iddy* .As "e a$reed upon earlier' you're lea)in$ on >une FFnd*. ei$%teent% birt%day* nod* #"o days after my can't "ait* .(ell' t%is is your birt%day present'. %e

says' pullin$ out a rolled-up paper from %is suit 2ac1et* . purc%ased a studio apartment for you* t's about t"enty minutes off-campus' and it's in a )ery $ood nei$%bor%ood*. +%' <od* No* #%is isn't %appenin$* . t's already furnis%ed4. Dad starts babblin$* s"allo" t%ic1ly' %esitatin$

before loo1in$ do"n at #in1s* &%it* 3ea%' s%e's fro"nin$* At me* .3ou'll %a)e plenty of time to settle in before classes start4. &%e also loo1s pu::led* 1no" "%y* 1no" t%at s%e's about to fi$ure it out* .&o' "%at do you t%in1' son/. 7y eyes snap to Dad's* !ay something4 . 4. breat%e* .6%' t%an1 you* t's4 3ou s%ouldn't %a)e*.

Dad c%uc1les* .3ou didn't t%in1 a son of mine "ould be li)in$ in a dorm' did you/. Actually' t%at's e9actly "%at t%ou$%t* "as $ettin$ a

#in1s' on t%e ot%er %and' "as under t%e impression t%at bi$ %ouse "it% a pool4since t%at's "%at %ospital for* told %er

)olunteered at t%e

.(e s%ould celebrate'. 7om says firmly' beamin$ li1e t%e sun4or someone "%o's t%ree s%eets to t%e "ind* .#omorro"* 'll coo1 your

fa)orite dinner and dessert' %oney* C%ic1en enc%iladas and mudca1e' ri$%t/. 3m. It's pi,,a and chocolate chip cookies, but thanks. .&ounds $reat'. reply' plasterin$ a smile on my face* . ' u%4 'm $onna

$o to bed* #%an1 you' t%ou$%* For t%e apartment* t's a"esome*. 7om smiles "idely* .&leep "ell' %oney*. .<ood ni$%t' son'. Dad adds* don't stic1 around* +n my "ay up to t%e t%ird floor' "onder if it's a $ood t%in$ or a bad

t%in$ t%at #in1s stayed be%ind in t%e 1itc%en "it% my parents* also "onder %o" lon$ it's $onna be before #in1s confronts me* I'm so "ucked.

Chapter song 'rush It ."" by 5lan hree BPOV #%e mornin$ after 8d"ard recei)ed %is birt%day present,an apartment' not a bi$ %ouse, 'm not surprised to find t%at %e's already left by t%e time come do"nstairs* Last ni$%t' %e refused to open t%e door "%en

1noc1ed* But li1e %e refuses to $i)e me ans"ers' %idin$ somet%in$* &omet%in$ bi$* (ell'

refuse to $i)e up* He's %a)e not%in$*

can feel it* #%ere's a small )oice in t%e

bac1 of my %ead re$isterin$ and processin$' but so far do %a)e something: reasons to di$ furt%er*

#%in$s aren't t%e "ay t%ey seem* His .friends. in &eattle* His parents' dismissi)e be%a)ior about 8d"ard's bruises* #%e "ay 8d"ard acts around t%e %ouse A ri$id' "orried' a$itated4 #%e bullyin$ at sc%ool* His reputation* #%e lie about "%y %e's )olunteerin$ at t%e %ospital* His split personality* His temper* #%e fuc1in$ secrets* And t%at's "%y 'm on my "ay to C%arlotte ri$%t no"* +1ay' not e9actly for t%at reason* Her car bro1e do"n yesterday and s%e called me earlier' as1in$ if 8d"ard' could $i)e %er a ride today* Ho"e)er' if "ant ans"ers about need to as1 t%e people around %im' and 'm startin$ "it%

C%arlotte* &ince s%e's datin$ 5eter,"%o is close to 8d"ard, 'm pretty sure s%e can tell me something* A small pu::le piece* Anyt%in$* 'm not $reedy* (%en reac% t%e (%itloc1s' %ouse' %on1 t%e %orn' and it doesn't ta1e

many seconds before C%arlotte runs out*

.Hey' $irl*. &%e $rins and %ops in* .#%an1 you for pic1in$ me up*. smile and pull a"ay from t%e curb* .No problem*. #a1in$ a deep breat%' be$in* =C38= as1 C%arlotte* as1 ?ose* as1 8mmett* as1 5eter* as1 a fe" ot%ers* As casually as possibly can' as1 t%em about 8d"ard's be%a)ior*

#%rou$%out t%e day,at lunc%' bet"een classes, fire off 0uestions* (%en does %e $o to &eattle/ Does %e al"ays return "it% bruises/ Are %is parents a"are/ Ho" can people not notice/ 7ore importantly: %o" can people not react/ as1* 3ea%' casually* But not casually enou$%* &tealt% is not my middle name* 1no" 8d"ard's $oin$ to find out about my in0uisition* because as t%e 0uestions lea)e my mout%' in t%e bac1 of my %ead* +lice. And "it% eac% ans"er from 8mmett' ?ose' C%arlotte' and 5eter,t%ou$% )a$ue and al"ays follo"ed by a' .(%y do you care about 8d"ard so 2ust don't care' be$in to reco$ni:e t%e )oice

muc%' Bella/.,t%e )oice $ets louder and louder* 8mmett tells me as "e "al1 to &panis% to$et%er t%at 8d"ard spends e)ery &unday in &eattle* I call bullshit* #%at's t%e day 8d"ard closes %imself in* #%at's t%e day %e ne)er lea)es %is room* And ?ose only spe"s out stuff about 8d"ard bein$ a conceited pric1 "%o doesn't deser)e attention* C%arlotte s%ru$s and $i)es me a noncommittal' . don't 1no" "%y %e %an$s out "it% t%ose people* t's up to %im* f %e "ants to $et into fi$%ts' "%o am to stop t%e bastard/. Lastly' 5eter tells me t%at it's a lost cause,t%at Edward is a lost cause* #%ey're all in a$reement* Cullen is 8mmett's and 5eter's friend* ?ose and C%arlotte are 2ust t%ere because t%ey're datin$ 8mmett and 5eter* And4 t%ey don't really care "%y 8d"ard acts t%e "ay %e does* &ince 8d"ard's %ardly 1no"n for spillin$ t%e beans' 8mmett and 5eter don't as1* 5lus' t%ey're dudes* #%ey don't tal1 about feelin$s* Not my "ords* #%ey're 5eter's* &afe to say' at t%e end of t%e day' 'm frustrated* At t%e same time' 'm on an emotional rollercoaster* Don't as1 me "%y' but As feel all "eird* unloc1 my car' mo)ement re$isters in my perip%ery' and loo1 up to

see 8ric 3or1ie reac%in$ %is car* mo)e "it%out t%in1in$* .8ric;. call' runnin$ o)er to %im* His eyes "iden' as if %e's scared t%at as1 you feel a bit

'm $oin$ to %it %im or somet%in$* But 'm not Cullen* .Can somet%in$/. 'm a little out of breat%' and for some reason nauseated*

.Li1e "-"%at/. %e stutters ner)ously*

narro" my eyes at %im' and %e notice t%at

$lances at somet%in$ be%ind me* Loo1in$ o)er my s%oulder'

it's someone, not somet%in$* t's 8d"ard* He's standin$ by t%e doors to t%e sc%ool' $larin$ our "ay* 8mmett and 5eter stand on eit%er side of %im* .3ou 1no" "%at/. face 8ric a$ain* .>ust for$et it*.

#%ere's no use' any"ay* Not "it% Cullen nearby* need ans"ers' but "it% %im close' it's impossible* 'll 2ust %a)e to t%in1 of somet%in$ else* (%ic% Before do "%en $et bac1 to t%e %ouse*

can put my plan into action' t%ou$%' 'm stopped in t%e %all"ay

by a c%ipper 8sme* &%e as1s about sc%ool' forces me to try %er %omemade lemonade and c%erry pie' "onders "%y 'm not c%an$in$ my mind about colle$e' and tries to con)ince me,all "%ile smilin$ too "idely ,t%at education is .2ust so important.* Not t%at ready* don't a$ree' but 'm not 2ust lost e)eryt%in$ in my life* #%e last t%in$ on my mind is don't %a)e money to ta1e it easy for a "%ile* Whate%er* e9cuse myself to $o study for

$ettin$ an education* #a1in$ a year or t"o off isn't "ron$ in my boo1* And it's not li1e finals* .&"eetie/. s%e calls as %ead for t%e stairs* .Carlisle and are $oin$ out listen to 8sme's mot%erly crap' and t%en

for dinner a$ain toni$%t@ 'm meetin$ %im at "or1 before* He's bein$ inter)ie"ed for a medical researc% article "it%in %is field' and t%e "riter is in)itin$ us bot% out to a dinner in 5ort An$eles*. &%e loo1s so proud of Carlisle* s%ru$* .+1ay* Ha)e fun*.

.#%an1 you*. &%e smiles* .#%ere's a casserole in t%e frid$e for you and 8d"ard* (%en %e comes %ome' 2ust put it in t%e o)en*. .6m' all ri$%t'. upstairs* Cullen's room is my direction* ')e been "it% %im se)eral times "%en %e %as retrie)ed a 2oint or t"o from %is stas%' so DVDs' and 1no" t%at t%e little bo9 is %idden be%ind a stac1 of spilled my $uts to %im "%en "as %i$%' 1no" t%at t%e 1ey to t%e bo9 is %idden underneat% t%e left respond lamely and t%en turn around a$ain to $o

corner of %is carpet* And since

maybe %e "ill do t%e same* t's "ort% a s%ot* After $rabbin$ a 2oint' %ead bac1 to my room and c%an$e into better

clot%es* +r rat%er' more suitable clot%es4for "%at 'm about to do* (eed and seduction ou$%ta do it* =C38= #%ree %ours later' 8sme is lon$ $one' and 'm standin$ on t%e balcony bet"een my and 8d"ard's room as "atc% %is car pull in* >ud$in$ by t%e "ay %e slams t%e door s%ut' 'd say %e's %a)in$ a bad day* Anot%er one' t%at is* 'm "illin$ to bet t%at bot% 8mmett and 5eter %a)e told %im about my 0uestions today* But li1e said' don't care about subtle* 2ust "ant ans"ers' because no matter "%at "ould am do' t%e )oice in t%e bac1 of my %ead is

still $ettin$ louder' and4it still belon$s to Alice' t%at )oice* No"' "%y %ear %er in my %ead/ (%y are "arnin$ bells $oin$ off' and "%y lost years a$o/ t%in1in$ so muc% about t%e best friend %ear 8d"ard s%out*

.'ella4)

7y $uess is t%at %e's on %is "ay up %ere*

As

reenter my room'

can %ear %im stompin$ up t%e stairs*

ime to do this. remo)e my 2eans and %oodie* .Where the "uck are you, !wan() n my room' Cullen* A fe" seconds later' %e pounds on my door before pus%in$ it open* +%' %e's mad' all ri$%t* .Ho" "as it at t%e %ospital' dear/. bi$ %ouse "it% a pool for doin$ it*. .Don't fuc1in$ play "it% me' Bella'. %e "arns in a lo" )oice' t%reatenin$ )oice* &lo"ly' 0uestions' or "al1 o)er to my des1* t's "%ere t%e 2oint is* .&top as1in$ s"ear "ill ma1e you re$ret it*. as1 s"eetly* His $lare is pretty damn

murderous* .Volunteerin$ is $ood' isn't it/ 8specially since you're $ettin$ a

don't respond* 2ust pic1 up t%e 2oint' ma1in$ sure %e sees it bet"een my fin$ers* He certainly sees it* $rab a li$%ter from my des1 dra"er* He eyes t%e 2oint' not sayin$ a "ord* 8)en as 3et' %e doesn't* . $ot it from your room'. ta1e a pull from 2oint' and sides* tell %im' li$%tin$ it up* His 2a" clenc%es as can see %is %ands curlin$ into fists at %is brin$ it to my lips %e

remains 0uiet* He does' %o"e)er' loo1 li1e %e wants to say somet%in$*

%old t%e smo1e in my lun$s' starin$ at %im intently* e9%ale* .Fuc1'. %e "%ispers' runnin$ bot% %ands t%rou$% %is %air and tu$$in$ at t%e ends* &uddenly' it's li1e %e's loo1in$ for an escape* His eyes $ro" "ide and pained* .Not4 Fuc1' not %ere' Bella* (e smo1e at t%e $oddamn cabin* Not here*. ')e come to notice t%at %e calls me Bella "%en %e's upset* +t%er"ise' 'm al"ays #in1s* .(%at could $o "ron$/. (it% t%at said' as1 "it% a s%ru$* .3our parents are out*.

turn my bac1 on %im and sit do"n on t%e floor* #%e lean bac1 a$ainst %a)e my closet,"%ic% %as a

balcony door is still open' 2ust a fe" feet a"ay' and t%e bed for support* ?i$%t in front of me' mirrored door,and me* "ant %im to come closer* 0uestions* &e9 usually brin$s %im closer' so4 "ant %im to smo1e*

can see 8d"ard in it' standin$ by t%e door' "atc%in$

"ant %im to ans"er my

(it% my %ead lollin$ bac1 a$ainst t%e side of t%e mattress' eyes on 8d"ard in t%e mirror as

1eep my

slide my free %and do"n my c%est* 'm rub my fin$ers o)er t%em* At t%e

only "earin$ a "%ite tan1 top' no bra' so it's definitely not difficult for %im to see my nipples %ardenin$ "%en same time' .8d"ard'. He curses* ta1e anot%er dra$ from t%e 2oint* si$%' a little need in my )oice' and close my eyes*

&lo"ly' deliberately'

pull my 1nees up' partin$ t%em' too*

(%ite boy s%orts in lace s%ould "or1 in my fa)or* A soft "%imper slips t%rou$% my sli$%tly parted lips as my %and reac%es my pussy* +utside t%e lacy fabric' caress t%e len$t% of my se9 almost la:ily* %ear %im "al1in$ closer*

(%en my fin$ers mo)e under t%e fabric' .#a1e t%em off'. %e says 0uietly* &milin$ softly to myself' up and spread*

place t%e 2oint bet"een my lips and tu$ do"n resume my position "it% my 1nees pulled

my panties* +nce t%ey're off'

His labored breat%in$ near my face is "arnin$ enou$%' and 'm not startled "%en %e ta1es t%e 2oint from my mout%* t fi::les as %e ta1es a pull from it' and "%en %e slides do"n ne9t to me on t%e floor' can't %elp but moan at t%e feelin$ of %is arm brus%in$ a$ainst mine* 'm sensiti)e and a"are' ea$er for %is touc%,so ea$er t%at a brus% of %is arm sends a s%i)er t%rou$% me* loll my %ead to t%e side' openin$ my eyes to "atc% %im' all "%ile slo"ly fin$erin$ myself* And 'm not surprised to see %im focusin$ intently on t%e mirror' "%ere %e's "atc%in$ my pussy* He e9%ales* >ust li1e t%at' anot%er s%i)er* <oose bumps follo"' spreadin$ slo"ly across my s1in* He $i)es t%e mirror a c%in-nod* .#%e top' too*. And t%e top comes off* He lic1s %is lips' eyes flic1in$ to me briefly* .Here*. He brin$s t%e 2oint to my lips' %is $a:e so %eated and dar1*

%old my breat%' feelin$ my eyes $la:e o)er* As e9%ale' %is %and slides do"n my t%i$%' mo)in$ to"ard my "et pussy

torturously slo"ly* 8yes loc1ed* .#a1e off your clot%es'. "%isper' ta1in$ t%e 2oint from %im*

His 2a" clenc%es a$ain' and %e doesn't say anyt%in$' but %e does obey' pullin$ %is t-s%irt o)er %is %ead* %a)e to bite my lip to pre)ent myself from "%imperin$* His body $i)es a"ay %is a$e,%e loo1s youn$,and t%ou$% %e's muscular and incredibly se9y' %e's not built in t%e "ay older men are* &till' %e's so $oddamn %ot* 7y mout% "aters as %e tosses t%e s%irt aside and be$ins unbuttonin$ %is 2eans* Fuc1* muscles fle9in$ as %e lifts up* .Bo9ers' too'. Anot%er pull@ breat%e out* %old t%e smo1e "it% a breat%* can see %is coc1 strainin$ a$ainst t%e denim* And off* He pus%es %is 2eans do"n %is %ips'

(it% a muted slap a$ainst %is abdomen' %is %ard coc1 is freed from %is bo9ers* e9%ale* .7mm4. .>esus' #in1s*. 'm #in1s a$ain* smile la:ily*

He leans in' 1issin$ t%e corner of my mout%* .<i)e me*. lips taste t%e same*

do@

brin$ t%e 1no" %is

2oint to %is lips' "atc%in$ %un$rily* 7y lips taste s"eet' 2ust li1e

(%ile %oldin$ %is breat%' %e nu::les my nec1 and mo)es %is %and closer to my pussy* (%en %e finally reac%es it' "et slit* 89%alin$' %is s"eet breat% "afts o)er me* .#%ere's only one place to be ri$%t no"'. %e murmurs in my ear* "%en %e as1s me if me* <od' 'm so desperate* "ant "atc% in t%e mirror a$ain* His lar$e %and and lon$ fin$ers cup me' %is middle fin$er linin$ up "it% my

s%udder )iolently' noddin$

"ant to 1no" "%ere t%at is* 3es' yes' yes' please tell "%imper a$ain' t%is time because %e adds

pressure to %is middle fin$er* +%' fuc1* He moans 0uietly* .Knuc1le-deep in your pussy*. .$es*. He doesn't "ait* n one smoot% pus%' t"o fin$ers disappear into my pussy' causin$ pleasure to s%oot up my spine* %o" %i$%* t's pat%etic' but to me* After ta1in$ a couple more pulls from t%e 2oint' "ater drop it in t%e $lass of arc% into %is touc%' needin$' cra)in$' al"ays fuc1in$ "antin$* f %e told me to 2ump' 'd as1 can't stop* #%ese moments mean somet%in$

%a)e on my ni$%tstand* And t%en "e're all %ands* He fin$er-fuc1s

me deeply as "e ma1e out de)ourin$ly' ton$ues tastin$' teet% nippin$' lips loc1in$* .Let me fuc1 you*. Any time* .3es4.

.<et up'. %e commands 0uietly' %oldin$ out %is %and*

ta1e it' stru$$lin$

a little to stand up' and t%en %e slides into my spot* . "ant you on my lap*. Fuc1' yes* .Facin$ t%e mirror*. Fuc1' yes' yes* He $rips %is coc1' pumpin$ it rou$%ly in %is %and' and %e murmurs %us1ily* 7y bac1 to %is c%est' sin1 do"n on %is coc1* position myself o)er %im' one le$ on eac% side of %im* #%en do"n' "it% my 1nees on t%e floor* .(%at a )ie"'.

Wasn't I supposed to ask Edward 9uestions( 7e%* #%e position is feels ama:in$' and our %ands are free to roam* He doesn't %a)e to %old me up since 'm on me 1nees' "%ic% means control t%e mo)ements "it%out difficulty* >ust a small lift' and t%en do"n a$ain* His %ands sna1e around my torso' reac%in$ my tits* His breat% is %ot and labored a$ainst my nec1* .(atc%' baby*. do* +ur eyes meet in t%e mirror' and "e "atc% as %is coc1 fills me slo"ly' o)er and o)er' and %is mout%' bot% soft and firm on my s1in' feels so $ood* 7oans escape me@ "etness* and "et* furt%er' spreadin$ more' pus% up' %e breat%es' 1eep "atc%in$* His coc1 is slic1 from my pus% my 1nees out can ta1e all of %im* +%' my <od* &o %ot' "arm cry out' %e t"ea1s my nipples' feel stretc%ed and filled' and "%en s"i)el my %ips' %e moans'

slam do"n a$ain' %e $roans* And our lidded eyes

ne)er stray from t%e mirror* .Fuc1' loo1 at you'. %e rasps* .&o spread out for me*. His "ords ma1e me moan' and it's true* .#%ose "et lips parted for my coc14 3ou're soaking me' baby*.

7y breat%in$ stutters@ more pleasure tra)els up my spine' and 1neads' pinc%es' and massa$es as

pus% my

tits into %is %ands' to "%ic% %e $ropes t%em rou$%ly and e9pertly* He sin1 up and do"n %is coc1* 7y inner "alls clenc% around %im' %is t%roaty moan pro)in$ t%at %e feels it* . "ant you to taste it'. %e be$s in a moan' and #in1s4 Fuc1' "ant you to suc1 me*. scramble off %is lap and 1neel beside %im* He stands moan' too* .5lease'

Ne)er sayin$ no'

up' %is profile and prominent erection )isible in t%e full-len$t% mirror* .Fuc1'. %e breat%es out' %oldin$ t%e base of %is coc1* .Come %ere* Lic1 it*. 5lacin$ my %ands on %is t%i$%s' %im' not stoppin$ until lean for"ard and lic1 t%e underside of moan for %im* He li1es

can "rap my lips around t%e %ead* 7ore lic1in$' a

little suc1lin$,t%at ma1es %is %ips buc1,and t%rou$% my %air* $es, yes, yes* t%roat*

t%at* Hummin$' too* His %ands mo)e to my %ead' fin$ers t%readin$ nod for %im* Fuck my mouth* And %e does* He t%rusts slo"ly and deeply' $roanin$ "%en %e %its t%e bac1 of my

.Not $onna last'. %e $runts' pic1in$ up speed* .>esus4you li1e t%at' #in1s/ 3ou li1e suc1in$ off your o"n 2uices from my dic1/. "ant %im to come' so cup %is balls and tu$' t"istin$ %is sac $ently in

my palm' all "%ile %ummin$ around %im* .Fuc1' 'm comin$'. %e moans* &uddenly' %e's pus%in$ 2er1ily and 0uic1ly into my mout%' a firm %old on t%e bac1 of my %ead* .+%' <od4 &"allo"' baby@ s"allo" my cum*. Hollo"in$ out my c%ee1s' He e9plodes* suc1 %im as %ard as can* %old my breat%*

s"allo"* His salty taste fills my mout% in four t%ic1

streams' %is coc1 pulsatin$ as eac% release seeps out of %im*

+nce %e's done' %e starts pantin$* .Fuc1 me side"ays'. %e $asps' slippin$ %is softenin$ coc1 out of my mout%* .<et up on t%e bed* (it% a needy "%imper' "ant to lic1 your pussy*. need to come so fuc1in$ badly' and doubt %e %as $one

do as told*

can al"ays count on %is fin$ers to $et me t%ere*

do"n on a $irl before me' because t%e first time %e $a)e me oral' %e "as definitely ine9perienced* He "ent do"n on me %un$rily' moanin$ and lappin$@ it "as li1e lic1in$ pussy "as ne" to %im and %e %ad found t%e cure for cancer or somet%in$* &ince t%en' %e's definitely $otten better "it% %is ton$ue' but %is fin$ers4 #%at's "%ere t%e real ma$ic is* As soon as my bac1 %its t%e mattress' 8d"ard follo"s and $ets comfortable bet"een my parted le$s* His %ot breat% a$ainst my pussy ma1es me 0ui)er* His fin$ers come ne9t' teasin$ and pus%in$' ma1in$ me be$* .5lease4. He c%uc1les* He li1es it "%en people need %im* .3ou "anna come' #in1s/. %e mutters' e9%alin$ o)er my clit* nod and fist t%e co)ers and "%imper* #%en' fuc1in$ finally' %e $i)es me "%at "ant* s%i)er and

He lic1s softly' suc1in$ on my clit' and %is fin$ers' t%ree of t%em' slam into me* almost arc% off t%e bed*

For se)eral minutes' %e $oes from lic1in$ and lappin$ persistently to teasin$ me "it% 2ust t%e tips of %is fin$ers and soft 1isses* He dra"s arousal from me' moanin$ 0uietly a$ainst my %eated fles%* But "%en %e speeds up' speeds up' speeds up "it%out falterin$' not 0uite yet fallin$ o)er* 6ntil 1no" t%at %is teasin$ is o)er* 'm moanin$ and "rit%in$ on t%e bed' constantly on t%e ed$e' but do* He suc1s my clit into %is mout%' stop breat%in$ and t%e or$asm flic1in$ %is ton$ue o)er it' simultaneously curlin$ %is fin$ers up"ard inside of me* t pus%es me o)er ri$%t a"ay' and "as%es t%rou$% me* Before 'm e)en do"n from my or$asmic %i$%' 8d"ard reminds me t%at a teena$e boy's reco)ery time is close to not%in$ by s%o)in$ %is coc1 inside my pussy* cry out %oarsely' s%oc1' pain' and more pleasure coursin$ t%rou$% me* .Fuck'. %e $rits out' lips brus%in$ a$ainst my temple* 7y fin$ernails di$ into %is s%oulder blades as %e pulls out slo"ly* . 'm sorry* "ait4. He slams in %ard* .Need more4. He fuc1s me frantically' pus%in$ me do"n %ard on t%e mattress "it% eac% t%rust* His %ands are rou$%' %is mout% t%e same' and %is breat%s come out in %ars% pants in t%e croo1 of my nec1* n return' spur %im on by lettin$ my fin$ernails di$ deeper* 7y teet% nip alon$ %is s%oulder' alternatin$ bet"een erotic and painful* At t%e same time' my %eels are pressin$ into %is ass c%ee1s* .<od-fuc1in$-dammit;. %e moans' fuc1in$' fuc1in$' fuc1in$* .Can you come a$ain/. No* lo)e "%at %e's doin$' but 'm not close* .>ust come' 8d"ard'. He lets out a labored breat%' rollin$ %is %ips* .Close4. "%imper* couldn't

Cuppin$ %is face'

co)er %is mout% "it% mine in a "et 1iss*

He $roans and 1isses me pac1 passionately* Harder* Deeper* Lips' teet%' ton$ue' %ot breat%s* moan* .Cullen4. Faster* He s%a1es %is %ead* .5lease' baby*. He $rinds %is pel)is a$ainst my clit* 1iss 2a"' up to %is ear* A breat%* .Edward*. .&%it*. He comes "it% a stran$led $runt' eyes s0uee:ed s%ut' fore%ead creased* * * * ?ollin$ off me' %e ends up on %is bac1' eyes on t%e ceilin$ as %e catc%es %is breat%* And "%en s%ift' can feel "etness bet"een my le$s*

close my eyes and purse my lips* Fuck, "uck, "uck, "uck. .(e didn't use a condom'. c%o1e out*

#%e fuc1er ne9t to me c%uc1les' still out of breat%* . 1no"* Fuc1in$ ama:in$*. A "a)e of nausea %its me %ard' and before t%e bat%room* 8d"ard doesn't follo"* * * * (%en $et bac1 to my room' %e's bac1 in %is bo9ers and 2eans and is 1no" it' 'm rus%in$ to"ard

sprayin$ air fres%ener e)ery"%ere* .(%at're you doin$/. 1no"*. .(e smo1e in t%e cabin'. is all %e says' and "%en %e's done pollutin$ t%e air' %e sets t%e can do"n on my des1 and flas%es me a smir1* .#%an1s for t%e fuc1' but He lea)es* And fuc1in$ failed* !o much "or getting answers. $otta $o* <ot some studyin$ to do*. croa1' reac%in$ for my %oodie* put it on and "al1

o)er to my closet' pic1in$ out a pair of s"eats* . 'd li1e to breat%e' you

No" "%at/ #%e )oice 1eeps na$$in$ at me* =C38=

>ust as

finis% ma1in$ a sand"ic% in t%e 1itc%en'

%ear t%e front door

open and close* Dammit*

"as %opin$ not to run into 8d"ard's parents'

but it's safe to say t%at "on't %appen no"* <rabbin$ a Co1e from t%e frid$e' comin$ do"n' too* Ho" con)enient@ t%ey all end up in t%e 1itc%en* .3ou t"o are still up'. 8sme states' $i$$lin$* &%e loo1s4drun1* .+%' t%in1 'd li1e a sand"ic%' too*. fro"n to myself' nibblin$ at t%e end of my o"n sand"ic%' and "atc% as s%e starts pullin$ out in$redients from t%e frid$e* .Ho" "as dinner/. 8d"ard as1s %is dad* able to let anyt%in$ $o* re$ister* loo1 o)er at %im' and 'm not process and %ear footsteps comin$ from t"o

different directions,t%e stairs and t%e %all"ay* Loo1s li1e 8d"ard's

t%in1 about Alice a$ain' and

see %o" uncomfortable 8d"ard appears to be' %o" %e 1eeps

%is %ands in %is poc1ets' %o" %e s%ifts %is "ei$%t from foot to foot' %o" %e refuses to lea)e t%e door"ay4 . t "ent "ell'. Carlisle responds pensi)ely' eyes on %is son* 8d"ard s"allo"s' nods' and loo1s a"ay* Carlisle 1eeps starin$ at %im* &ippin$ my Co1e' narro" my eyes at t%e t"o*

. ' u%4. 8d"ard clears %is t%roat and points a t%umb o)er %is s%oulder* . s%ould $o bac1 to studyin$*. .Finals or t%e assi$nment $a)e you/. Carlisle as1s' ta1in$ a step closer*

For a second' 8d"ard's eyes meet mine* t's so brief' but sa" panic* No "ay* (%y "ould see t%at/

could')e s"orn

&%it' 'm ta1in$ t%is too far* .3our assi$nment'. %e responds 0uic1ly* Carlisle ta1es anot%er step' tiltin$ %is %ead sli$%tly* #%ey're e0ually tall' but it still "eels as if Carlisle is taller* -ow, how that is possible/ . see*. t almost loo1s li1e Carlisle is ta1in$ a "%iff of t%e air* .(ell' t%e test is in t%ree days' so you probably %a)e a lot to do*. 7an' t%is family is "eird* Completely and utterly "ucked up. .3es' sir*. 7y bro"s 1nit to$et%er* !ir( Carlisle %ums* +lice is usually eager to get changed when we go swimming with school, but today she's the last one to enter the locker rooms. +ll the girls in our class are talking loudly while changing into their swimsuits, and it's not until they're walking out that +lice starts to undress. I wait "or her, 'cause she's my best "riend. *aybe she's ha%ing a bad day. It's happened a lot since her dad le"t a month ago.

'ut when she pulls o"" her shirt/ .+lice,) I gasp. )What happened to you() 0er arm is "ull o" bruises. ..h, that() she chuckles, though it sounds weird and her eyes are glassy. )I'm so clumsy. I:I walked into a door.) I "rown, 'cause/the bruises/the way they're shaped/ 'm slammed bac1 into reality "%en Carlisle says' .Let's $o upstairs to my office' 8d"ard* 7y eyes "iden@ %a)e a fe" t%in$s e9%ale s%a1ily* need to discuss "it% you*.

Chapter song &ullaby by -ickelback =o+o= The lyrics basically represent Bella's point of view in this chapter Well, I know the "eeling ." "inding yoursel" stuck out on the ledge +nd there ain't no healing From cutting yoursel" with the 2agged edge

I'm telling you that, it's ne%er that bad ake it "rom someone who's been where you're at &aid out on the "loor +nd you're not sure you can take this anymore . 5lease let me take you .ut o" the darkness and into the light 'Cause I ha%e "aith in you hat you're gonna make it through another night !top thinking about the easy way out here's no need to go and blow the candle out 'ecause you're not done $ou're "ar too young +nd the best is yet to come . Well, e%erybody's hit the bottom E%erybody's been "orgotten When e%erybody's tired o" being alone $eah, e%erybody's been abandoned +nd le"t a little empty handed

!o, i" you're out there, barely hanging on/ . 1ust gi%e it one more try to a lullaby +nd turn this up on the radio I" you can hear me now I'm reaching out o let you know that you're not alone +nd i" you can't tell, I'm scared as hell 'Cause I can't get you on the telephone !o, 2ust close your eyes .h, honey, here comes a lullaby $our %ery own lullaby EPOV (%en Dad closes t%e door be%ind us' steel myself*

t doesn't ta1e a $enius to fi$ure out t%at %e smelled t%e pot on me* 7aybe on #in1s' too' t%ou$% s%e stood fart%er a"ay from %im in t%e 1itc%en* &%o"erin$ and c%an$in$ clot%es ob)iously "asn't enou$%* n t%e past' "%en smo1ed at %ome' al"ays made sure t%ere "ere

se)eral days 'til Dad came %ome* t "as al"ays "%en %e "as a"ay on business* 7om ne)er $a)e a s%it,if s%e could smell it and reco$ni:e it' t%at is* .3ou ree1'. %e tells me' and my spine is already ri$id*

He stares me do"n* .Does sabella smo1e' too/. Don't e%er lie, Cullen. 0e'll see through it. clenc% my 2a"* .No' sir* Not t%at 1no" of*.

He smir1s and ta1es a step to"ard me* Chin up. &ook him in the eye. stand still as %e leans closer and closer' stoppin$ "%en breat% near my ear* .Ha)e you fuc1ed %er yet/. %e "%ispers* 5anic* Nausea* &"allo"in$ %ard' pus% bot% do"n* .No' sir'. c%o1e out* can feel %is

.#s1' ts1' you $oddamn liar'. %e %isses* #%ere's no "arnin$ t%is time* >ust as %is "ords are out,and sendin$ a c%ill do"n my ri$id spine,%e s%o)es me into a "all* 1esus "uck* By mista1e' as let out a "%imper "%en t%e bac1 of my %ead bumps into a picture frame be%ind me* 'm fi$%tin$ di::iness and pain at t%e same time try to brace myself for more* He's comin$ at me' a li)id loo1 in %is can do about it* He punc%es me %ard in t%e eyes' and t%ere's not%in$

face* Not once' but t%ree times* 7y eyes are closed' my teet% are clenc%ed to$et%er' and e%erything %urts* Don't cry, don't "ucking cry* A$ain and a$ain' %e %its me* can feel somet%in$ "arm oo:in$ do"n from can stitc% it up* No problem* my eyebro"* ')e been t%rou$% it before*

7ore* A$ain* Harder* #%en 'm on t%e floor' $aspin$ for breat%* 7y %ands

clutc% my stomac%* He 1ic1s* #%ere $oes a rib* #%e pain is radiatin$ t%rou$% me' ma1in$ it difficult to breat%e "it%out c%o1in$ and cou$%in$* try to pull up my 1nees to protect myself' but it's fuc1in$ futile* He's relentless* .Ho" fuc1in$ stupid are you/. %e snaps' soundin$ out of breat%* .Not only are you doin$ dru$s' but you're fuc1in$ t%e $irl "%o 2ust lost %er parents*. 0e will stop soon. 0e will stop soon. %ear %im lau$%* . 'd feel sorry for %er if it "asn't for t%e fact t%at s%e's a nosy little bitc%*. "%ee:e a breat%' afraid t%at 'm $oin$ to panic* A panic attac1 "ould only ma1e it %arder to $et air into my lun$s* &o' a$ain* try to breat%e* Breat%e t%rou$% t%e pain* Breat%e t%rou$% t%e pain* And t%en %e's 1ic1in$ me cry out in pain "%en %is s%oe ma1es impact "it% my c%est* #%e cry is follo"ed by tears and cou$%s* Fuc1* No air* No air* Can't breat%e* 7ore di::iness* .7a1e sure s%e 1eeps %er mout% s%ut'. %e snarls in my ear' $rabbin$ me by t%e collar of my s%irt* family' c%o1e* . f s%e starts spreadin$4lies4about our "ill ma1e %er pay for it*.

5lease stop. .Don't you $et it' 8d"ard/ .h, #od. For t%e first time in years' tears are streamin$ do"n my face' but don't %a)e eyes and ears all o)er For1s*.

care* 'm too busy tryin$ to rela9 my muscles in order to breat%e* ?ipples of pain ma1in$ t%eir "ay t%rou$% my body are almost enou$% to cripple

me' but "ee1s*

can't $i)e up* 'm supposed to be out of %ere in 2ust a fe" $otta $et t%rou$% it* <otta $et out* can barely %ear t%em o)er t%e

Dad's ne9t "ords are spo1en calmly' but rin$in$ in my ears* .3our mot%er and

are $oin$ to a ban0uet in Houston ne9t "ee1* (e'll be disco)er t%at sabella's been snoopin$

$one for t%ree days' and if

around4. He trails off' but t%e t%reat is clear* He drops me bac1 do"n to t%e floor* breat%e* &mall and 0uic1 breat%s* #%ey're all can mana$e*

.And enou$% "it% t%e fuc1in$ dru$s* Are "e clear/. .3ea%'. "%imper li1e t%e pat%etic pussy am*

.<ood* ')e told your mot%er t%at 'm spendin$ t%e ni$%t at t%e %ospital' so 'll see you tomorro"* Come by my office and 'll c%ec1 on t%at rib for you* t's probably bro1en*. (it% t%at said' %e "al1s out* He al"ays lea)es me in peace in %is study "%en ')e bro1en somet%in$* ?ollin$ o)er' end up on my side in a fetal position,a position 'm all too can barely open my left eye' my c%est %urts

familiar "it%* #od, it hurts*

"it% eac% breat%' my eyebro" probably needs stitc%es' at least one rib is crac1ed' and same $oes for my bottom lip* As usual' s%ame "as%es o)er me' and e)en more "%en defeated* Lame* 5o"erless* (ort%less* 8nock, knock. reali:e t%at can't stop cryin$* feel "ea1 and

.Edward() .+%' #od'. t%rou$% me* croa1' and anot%er round of o)erpo"erin$ pain sur$es %old my breat%' %opin$ li1e %ell t%at #in1s "on't fuc1in$ do so, %u$ my 1nees %arder to my

enter ri$%t no"* &0uee:in$ my eyes s%ut yet a$ain,"%ile i$norin$ t%e pain in and around my eyes as body* 'm s%a1in$' position' but reali:e' and my ribs ac%e e)en more in my ri$id

can't brin$ myself to rela9* t's p%ysically impossible*

.Isabella, he's studying. 5erhaps you should go to bed. It's late.) .+re/are you sure( I thought I heard something/) .>ust $o'. "%imper' 1no"in$ )ery "ell s%e can't %ear me*

.I assure you, he's "ine. 0e has an important test to study "or, so I allowed him to use my o""ice. -ow, o"" you go. I ha%e some work to do at the hospital, so/) listen o)er t%e rin$in$ in my ears and t%e %eadac%e t%at pounds a"ay@ listen for a lon$ time* Not%in$* t's 0uiet* don't 1eep trac1 of t%e time spend on t%e floor* 2ust breat%e t%rou$% 1no" is t%at try to

t%e pain and try to $at%er stren$t%' so far "it%out luc1* All

it's completely dar1 out and t%at t%e moon is %i$% outside of Dad's "indo"* #%e %ouse is silent' e9cept for my occasional4noises4as $et up* 8)entually' mana$e* force my le$s to carry me upstairs to my

#%e sun is about to rise "%en room*

#%e tears %a)e dried' but t%e s%ame is still t%ere* And t%e pain* Kno"in$ t%at #in1s is in t%e ne9t room' 'm a"are t%at sic1 tomorro"* #%ere's no "ay %a)e to call in

can pull off a lie no" about seein$ my

made-up friends from &eattle* &%e's 2ust4too close* All t%e fuc1in$ time* (%en cras% on my bed' %a)e to pus% do"n sobs* still %a)e a %ard

time breat%in$ properly' and cryin$ "on't "ucking %elp* But 2ust as cras%ed on t%e bed' feel e)eryt%in$ cras%in$ do"n around me' and 'm so sic1 of t%e pain* 8)eryt%in$ in my life is tumblin$ do"n* (%at "as once me in total control' is no"4rubble* t's e9%austin$ 1eepin$ trac1 of e)ery lie' and "it% #in1s li)in$ so close' it's only a matter of time before all is re)ealed* #%e 0uestion is if least %ope it's not* =C38= A couple %ours later' send a te9t to 7om and tell %er to call in sic1 for already 1no" it's #in1s don't respond* &%e "ill 2ust %a)e can %old it to$et%er 'til $raduation* Not t%at 1no" of #in1s' plans' but 'm pretty sure %er plan isn't to stic1 around* At

me* &%e's at t%e s%elter in 5ort A' "%ic% means "%en t%ere's a 1noc1 on my door* But

to $o to sc%ool by %erself* &%e'll probably sei:e t%e opportunity and as1 people about me,li1e s%e did yesterday* Fuc1' "%en 8mmett told me t%at #in1s "as as1in$ %im about me4 t%ou$%t face in* And t%en' "%en dic1* "as $onna smas% someone's t%in1 "it% my fuc1in$ "ouldn't %a)e $ot %ome from )olunteerin$ at t%e %ospital' not $one for it'

#in1s distracted me' and succeeded only 'cause %a)e myself to blame' really* Had a fractured rib ri$%t no"*

.Edward, please open the door4) #in1s calls4a$ain* #%e bitc% 2ust "on't 0uit* )+ren't you going to school() C%rist' 'm so fuc1in$ tired*

5ullin$ t%e co)ers o)er me completely'

try to dro"n out t%e "orld* Close trace t%e dama$e 2ust4 don't 1no"

myself off* Breat%e in' breat%e out* (it% my fin$ers' on my face* 7y eye is s"ollen' as is my 2a"' and4 "%at to do anymore* $et t%at trut% be told' 'm not e)en sure t%at "or1in$ e)en %arder* +nly'

"on't e)er be $ood enou$% for Dad' and care* For years' %eld out %ope* started did it 2ust still bust

"or1ed my ass off to impress %im' and "%en t%at didn't "or1' stopped doin$ it to impress %im* to 1eep %im at least a little satisfied4"%ic% didn't "or1' eit%er* times ')e bro1en bones*

my fuc1in$ ass' and yet not%in$'s c%an$ed* ')e lost count of %o" many don't remember t%e last time someone told me 'd done $ood4or "%ate)er* Do my parents e)en lo)e me/ >ud$in$ by t%e p%otos ')e seen of #in1s and %er fol1s' 'd say no* 'm pretty sure at t%is point t%at 7om 1no"s' too* f #in1s is suspicious after li)in$ %ere for less t%an t%ree mont%s4 3ea%' 7om %as to 1no"' and4"uck4t%at hurts* &%e's my $oddamn mom* s0uee:e my eyes s%ut "%en t%ey start to burn* *an the "uck up, Cullen. Don't be a pussy. =C38= As soon as "ay 1no" t%at #in1s %as left for sc%ool' %a)e to %umiliate myself

by callin$ Dad and as1 %im if %e can stitc% me up at %ome* #%ere's 2ust no can $et out of bed* t %urts too muc%* Luc1ily' ')e been t%rou$% 1no" %o" to clean t%e "ounds "it%out mo)in$ around %a)e a 1it t%at 1eep near t%e bed* #%e only t%in$ t%is before' so too muc%* 5lus'

can't fi9 myself is my rib' "%ic% no one can really .fi9., 2ust %a)e to be careful about t"istin$ my body or carryin$ s%it* <otta let it %eal* A$ain'

')e been t%rou$% it before* And Dad tells me' snic1erin$ a little' t%at %e'll be %ome toni$%t to $i)e me a c%ec1up* t%an1 %im and %an$ up t%e p%one' $lad t%at %ospital until after t%e "ee1end* By no"' 2ust feel empty* can't ta1e t%e $ro"lin$ from my stomac% don't %a)e a s%ift at t%e

study to pass time' and "%en anymore'

mana$e to ma1e my "ay across t%e room to my mini frid$e* A

can of Co1e and a bar of c%ocolate "ill %a)e to do for no"* #%en bac1 to studyin$* And later t%at day' "%en #in1s comes %ome from sc%ool' a$ain* %er* (%y i$nore %er

also i$nore t%e little )oice in my %ead t%at tells me to open up to e)en %a)e t%at )oice is beyond me* 7aybe #in1s is a $ood

person, actually t%in1 s%e is,but it doesn't matter* 'm on my o"n 'til can lea)e t%is %ell%ole* (%en 7om 1noc1s on t%e door around dinner time' s%ootin$ t%rou$% me as so $rimace at t%e pain

pus% myself off t%e bed,t%e bed t%at is full of "ant to loo1 %er in

te9tboo1s* But s%e tells me t%rou$% t%e door t%at s%e %as dinner for me' force myself to $o on* And4 "ant to see %er* t%e eye and searc% for traces of 1no"led$e* ')e ne)er told %er anyt%in$' and t%e one don't 1no" if Dad %as' eit%er* A part of %an$ out "it%

me %opes %e %as* Not t%e trut%' of course' but a lie,one t%at is similar to tell my friends* Could t%at be it/ Does s%e t%in1 t%e "ron$ cro"d/ Before open t%e door' ta1e a 0uic1 loo1 in t%e mirror* (%ile ')e

cleaned off t%e blood' my face is still a "ar:one* Bruises and cuts' my o"n stitc%es' and t%e entire $oddamn rainbo"* Aside from t%at' 'm also

limpin$ and unable to 1eep my bac1 strai$%t* &o' "earin$ not%in$ but a pair of s"eats and a %oodie' stare at %er* &%e's smilin$ at t%e plate s%e's carryin$* .Here's some dinner' %oney*. 1eep starin$' not mo)in$ an inc%* . fi$ured you'd still be a bit under t%e "eat%er' so s%ould brou$%t it up %ere*. A bit under t%e "eat%er/ ?eally/ .6m' call t%e sc%ool for tomorro"' too/. s%e as1s softly* &%e's still open t%e door for 7om*

loo1in$ at t%e mot%erfuc1in$ plate* .5er%aps you s%ould ta1e it easy anot%er day or t"o*. !he knows. $rit my teet% as my fuc1in$ eyes "ell up* Funny' it feels li1e ')e been 1ic1ed in t%e $ut all o)er a$ain* .3ou 1no"'. c%o1e out' traitorous tears spillin$ o)er* .3ou know, 7om*.

At t%at' %er %ead snaps up* Her eyes $ro" "ide@ not at t%e si$%t of my face' but from my accusation* .(-"%at/. s%e stammers' and eyes as 1no" "%at you're t-tal1in$ about' %oney*. .&a)e it'. "%isper %oarsely* s%a1e my %ead' bot% at %er and at myself' a)ert my blin1 bac1 more tears* >esus' "%at am ' a fuc1in$ $irl/ . don't

and $rab t%e plate* .>ust4fuc1in$ sa)e it*. close t%e door* don't eat t%e food' "%ic% ma1es me nauseous' and after dry %ea)in$ into my toilet' pus% do"n a "ew bites of food* &mall sips of "ater* &ome ate it all more food' t%en more' t%en more' and t%en t%e plate is empty* toilet a$ain* Bet"een retc%in$'

too 0uic1ly' and it doesn't ta1e lon$ before 'm on my 1nees in front of t%e $ulp for air* 8)eryt%in$ ac%es* 7y mom

1no"s* Breat%e* Breat%e*

t%ro" up a$ain' feelin$ "ea1er t%an before*

7y mom 1no"s %o" Dad treats me* As pity* 2ust "ant t%is to be o)er* =C38= Dad lea)es "it%out a "ord after my c%ec1up* study* 8)ery once in a "%ile' $lance at my p%one on t%e ni$%tstand* 1no" it's #in1s* n a sic1 %a)en't read ta1e a sip of "ater' end up c%o1in$ and cou$%in$ as "allo" in self-

t's been $oin$ off once e)ery %alf-%our' and

"ay' my mood c%an$es for t%e better "%ene)er it )ibrates* Because it means 'm on somebody's mind* (%ic% is also t%e reason t%at %er te9ts are full of concern* t's nicer t%at "ay* But before "ritten* O)en the fucking door* Cullen, Bella. %re you deaf& Bella. 0or fuck-s sake* $ust ans!er me, Bella. e need to talk Bella. P/E%(E .inks. I-m !orried* Ed!ard. Please talk to me .inks. $o to bed' can't %old off anymore* need to see "%at s%e's t%e messa$es yet* 'm pretty sure s%e's furious' and 'd li1e to pretend

smile' i$norin$ t%e stin$in$ cut on my lip* !he's worried. %re you going to school tomorro!& .inks. I !on-t sto) .inks. #%e last te9t causes me to close my eyes in resi$nation* I won't stop. I won't stop. I won't stop. #%at's "%at feared' and4

s"allo" %ard* t means t%at I %a)e to stop %er* f s%e finds out t%e trut%4 don't "anna 1no" "%at Dad "ill do* .Fuc1 my life'. "%isper to myself* =C38= #%e "ee1end dra$s on' and #in1s' messa$es continue to pour in* +n &aturday' s%e's at some party "it% ?osalie and C%arlotte' but s%e doesn't stay lon$* >ust a fe" %ours after s%e left' s%e's bac1' first 1noc1in$ on my door and t%en settlin$ for more te9ts* doubt s%e belie)es t%at 'm sic1* +n &unday' don't 1no" "%at s%e's doin$' but %a)e more important pass "it% flyin$

t%in$s to do* Dad comes to my room and 0uestions me about t%e assi$nment %e $a)e me earlier t%is "ee1' and t%ou$% colors' all $et is a $runted .o1ay. before %e "al1s out a$ain*

7om 1noc1s once t%en lea)es' and "%en sleep a lot* And study* And stare at t%e calendar on my p%one* And4"%en 7onday rolls around'

open t%e door' t%ere's food*

1no" t%at my time is up* At ei$%t A7'

7om and Dad lea)e for Houston' and t%e sound of a flus%in$ toilet,about an %our later,tells me t%at #in1s ne)er left for sc%ool* &o4t%ree days "it%out my parents* #%ree days "%ere #in1s doesn't %a)e to tiptoe around my dad@ s%e can 2ust 1noc1 on my fuc1in$ door "it%out stoppin$* (%ic% s%e starts doin$* For about t"enty minutes' and t%en' t%rou$% t%e door' s%e says t%at s%e's $oin$ to $et a .$oddamn scre"dri)er or somet%in$ to fi9 t%at mot%erfuc1in$ loc1.* Li1e said' time's up*

need to silence %er' and it fuc1in$ %urts* .Edward.) &%e's bac1* .5lease.) can %ear t%e tears in %er )oice' "%ic% ma1es me bury my face in my pillo"* .I know you can hear me,) s%e croa1s* )!o, be"ore I remo%e this lock, I'm gonna tell you something.) &%e pauses* )'ecause I want you to open this door willingly.) &ilence*

All

%ear is my o"n breat%in$ and %er sniffles* s0uee:e my eyes s%ut*

.I was the one who "ound her,) s%e "%impers* the one who "ound her.) Fuc1* .!he said she was sick.) Double fuc1*

don't "ant to %ear "%ate)er s%e's $oin$ to say* )+lice. *y "riend. I was

.+"ter school, I was bringing her homework, and/) $rit my teet%* 7y eyes stin$ be%ind my closed lids* .I "ound her in the garage, Edward. !he'd been dead "or hours already. !he 2ust hung there.) 5lease stop* .I was only "i"teen.) <od' 2ust stop talking* .Did you know that not all people who hang themsel%es die o" asphy6iation() 3ea%* do 1no"* Dad $a)e me an assi$nment once to study suicide4 t%in1*

alternati%es* t "as last year'

t all depends on t%e .2ump.' and if t%e fall is %ard enou$%' it's more li1ely t%at you se)er your spine* t's called .%an$man's fracture.' and t%at test "%en Dad presented %is 0uestions* aced

.0er neck was broken, Edward,) #in1s cries* ?i$%t* Cer)ical fracture* read about t%at* 7orbidly' idly' "onder "%ic% one or ones %er friend fractured* #%ere are se)en cer)ical )ertebrae* Did it %urt/ (as t%ere time for pain/ )$ou may not kill yoursel", but there's something you share with +lice, and I re"use to sit on the sidelines a second time.) stop breat%in$* .I know Carlisle's abusing you.)

Chapter song I 7emember by !tabbing Westward BPOV don't 1no" %o" lon$ sit on t%e floor outside of 8d"ard's room' but it's

a lon$ time* 'm e9%austed* #%e last t%in$ "ill do it' but "ant to do is use tools to open %is door' and 'm stallin$* don't "ant to* "ant %im to open it for %imself* &o' 2ust found Alice's body s"irl around in my %ead'

sit %ere* ma$es from "%en

tauntin$ me' and 'm startin$ to belie)e t%at 'm a masoc%ist' because t%e face c%an$es t%en* t's no lon$er Alice 'm seein$' %an$in$ t%ere* t's 8d"ard* 7y stomac% lurc%es' t%ou$% don't %a)e to $o to t%e bat%room t%is time'

"%ic% almost s%oc1s me* #%ese past fe" days4 don't 1no" %o" many times 'm t%ro"n up* And it's t%at ass%ole's fault' 'm sure of it* Fuc1in$

pric1' t%at Carlisle* 8sme lets it %appen*

mean' really4did %e e9pect

"ouldn't notice/ 8)er/

Come on* +%' and 8sme' t%at "ucking "%ore* Carlisle abuses Cullen' and

sa" Carlisle's 1nuc1les after %e left %is office' after %e left 8d"ard be%ind in t%ere* #%ey "ere bloodied and bruised* .8d"ard'. croa1* .5lease*.

No response* &uddenly' it $ets to be too muc%* #%e deat% of my parents' %a)in$ no one to tal1 to' t%is "it% 8d"ard' not feelin$ safe in t%is %ouse' Alec's betrayal4 %ell' e)en Alice* 3ea%' it "as years a$o t%at it %appened' but "it% 8d"ard4 t feels li1e e)ery "ound is ripped open' and t%e flood$ates open alon$ "it% t%em* &ittin$ t%ere on t%e floor' sob into my %ands*

#ears stream do"n my c%ee1s' and ')e ne)er felt t%is sense of hopelessness before* t ma1es my c%est ac%e at t%e same time as it feels completely empty* 7y stomac% rolls' and by my %ands* .#in1s*. 7y %ead snaps up' my eyes $o "ide' my mout% pops open' my breat% $ets stuc1 in my t%roat* And crumble a$ain* scream out' t%e sound muffled

%adn't %eard t%e door open' and no" a part of me "is%es it ne)er did* .8d"ard'. bro1en* "%imper' bottom lip 0ui)erin$* He loo1s so beat up' so

nside and out* He can't blame %is supposed friends in &eattle t%is time* t's all on %is dad* .Don't fuc1in$ cry'. %e "%ispers' t%ou$% %is o"n eyes are full of uns%ed tears* .&top' #in1s*. He s%a1es %is %ead' starin$ do"n at me* .Don't be "ea1*. Weak( Fuc1 t%at* &tandin$ up' approac% %im cautiously* ma1e sure to loo1 %im in t%e

eye' as opposed to all t%e cuts and bruises on %is face* (%en raise my %and to touc% %is c%ee1' %e s%a1es %is %ead a$ain* ta1e t%at as an in)itation and

.Don't touc% me'. %e breat%es out' and t%en %e "al1s bac1 into %is room* +nly t%is time' %e lea)es t%e door open* reason enter be%ind %im* 7y eyes are 0uic1 to scan t%e room' and for some %alf-e9pected to see somet%in$ different* Don't 1no" "%y t%ou$%t t%at' but e)eryt%in$ loo1s t%e same* mmaculate aside from a fe" boo1s on %is floor* .(%at do you "ant/. %e si$%s' sittin$ do"n on %is bed* He tries to pull of a coc1y smir1* .3ou "anna fuc1/. stare at %im blan1ly' feelin$ sorry for %im* don't necessarily pity %im'

but 'm sorry for t%e parents %e %as* He deser)es better* And %e can try to brus% it all off or %ide it' but %e "ill also fail* t's ri$%t t%ere in %is eyes' and 1no" t%ere's a lot %idden be%ind %is -don't-$i)e-a-fuc1 attitude* "anna say in response to "%at %e 2ust said*

#%ere are so many t%in$s Can you e%en get it up(

!top pretending, Edward. &et me in. I can help you. When did Carlisle start hitting you( Why don't you report it to the police( -o, I don't wanna "uck. Want a hug instead( I'm sorry. say none of t%ose t%in$s* .(ant some brea1fast/. no"* as1 0uietly' "ipin$ a"ay t%e last tears* (e %a)e

t%ree days before %is fol1s return* 5lenty of time to tal1 serious* But not doubt %e'll $o for it' any"ay* His defenses are up' ready to s%o)e me out of t%e "ay* .Are you fuc1in$ "it% me/. %e c%uc1les incredulously* .3ou're as1in$ if "ant break"ast/. For a second' see %urt flas% across %is features' and it ta1es a "%ile for do* t%in1 about 8sme' and %o" s%e most li1ely as1 if %e "ants food*

me to understand* #%en t%e same*

s"eeps e)eryt%in$ under t%e ru$ around %ere* 8d"ard t%in1s 'm doin$ see %is face' and

He's so "ron$*

"on't i$nore t%is* "%isper as "al1 o)er to %im* stop "%en 'm

. told you' 8d"ard'.

ri$%t in front of %im' and t%is time* . "on't stop*.

touc% %is c%ee1 $ently* He doesn't flinc% a"ay

(it% %is s%inin$ eyes loc1ed "it% mine' %e s"allo"s %ard* .3ou s%ould*.

ta1e a step bac1 and %u$ my middle* . can't*. on' 'll ma1e panca1es*.

ta1e a breat%* .Come

He %esitates* . 4. #%en %e loo1s do"n and s%a1es %is %ead* . can't lea)e t%e room*. fro"n* .(%y/. (%en %e loo1s me in t%e eye t%is time' all see is pain* Different 1inds*

. t %urts to "al1'. %e admits' and my insides constrict painfully* .6m4. He s"allo"s* .7y le$' and4u%' %a)e a crac1ed rib*. s0uee:e my eyes s%ut*

7y ri$%t %and flies to my mout%* .+%' <od*. Before lose t%e contents of my stomac%'

run out of %is room and into

t%e bat%room across t%e %all* .#in1s;. %e c%o1es out* 7y eyes burn as t%ro" up* $a$ repeatedly and $ulp for air*

+% <od' o% <od' o% <od' o% <od* .+%' #od'. cry*

Carlisle bro1e %is fuc1in$ rib/ (%at 1ind of sic1 animal is %e/ And 8sme4 could kill %er* All t%at ne$lect* No "onder %e's a bully in sc%ool* He $ets pus%ed do"n at %ome' so %e ma1es sure %e's t%e one doin$ t%e pus%in$ around "it% ot%ers*

.#in1s*. And t%en cry*.

%a)e arms around me* .C%rist' baby' stop t%is* Don't

s%a1e my %ead and "ipe my mout%* 7y attempts to s%o)e %im a"ay are "ea1' especially "%en don't 1no" "%ere can put my %ands* He 2ust told me %e couldn't lea)e %is room 'cause it %urt' and no" %e's %ere' comfortin$ me on t%e bat%room floor* No* He's t%e one "%o s%ould stop* .He bro1e your rib'. sob into %is nec1*

.&%%%%' it's o1ay' #in1s'. %e responds t%ic1ly* .&'2ust a small fracture*. !'2ust a small "racture. !'2ust a small "racture. !'2ust a small "racture. %ea)e into t%e toilet a$ain* >ust a small fracture/ Does t%at ma1e s%it better/ .Listen'. %e murmurs' clearin$ %is t%roat* .Are you sic1/ 'Cause ')e %eard you in t%e bat%room for days no"*. loo1 up' seein$ a $lass of "ater and a %and to"el in %is %and* bot% and ta1e a fe" sips of "ater as accept

try to t%in1 of an ans"er* An

ans"er t%at doesn't %a)e t%e "ords .are.' .you.' and .stupid. in it* But t%at's t%e t%in$ "it% 8d"ard Cullen* 3ou ne)er 1no" "%ere you %a)e %im* He's usually cruel' mean' condescendin$' and rut%less* #%en' "%en %e's t%e one "%o's %urt' %e comforts you/ 7a1es no sense* And' as for %is bully persona' it doesn't apply to me for some reason* (%ile %e's been crude' tactless' and %ars% at times' %e %asn't pus%ed me do"n* n fact' %e %as e)en %ad %is s"eet moments* (%en "e're at t%e cabin' for instance* He's )ery affectionate* e)en called %im a fuc1in$ cuddler*

. 'm fine'.

mutter %oarsely' and it's t%e trut%* 5%ysically' any"ay* raise a bro" at %im* .Ho" are you/.

don't

feel nauseous anymore* t's "eird* Nausea %its me %ard sometimes' but t%en it's 2ust $one*

He $i)es me a small rueful smile* .5eac%y*. 'eauti"ul liar. s0uee:e %is %and* He s0uee:es bac1* #%in$s aren't fine* #%in$s aren't peac%y* (e bot% 1no" it* But $uess "e're content to act for a moment*

.3ou said somet%in$ about brea1fast/. nod 0uic1ly* . 'll brin$ it up %ere' all ri$%t/. .#%an1s*. He $rimaces as %e tries to stand up' so $ot it*. ." course you do. =C38= 7onday $oes by 0uic1ly* (e c%ill out in 8d"ard's room' doin$4not%in$' really* (e "atc% some #V' "e eat 2un1 food and a bunc% of candy' "e )e$ out48d"ard sleeps a lot* And t%in1 of options* &ome are bi:arre' li1e4 "e could empty t%e %ouse of money' 2e"elry' tec%nolo$y' and t%en dri)e a"ay in our cars* (e could sell mine* +r maybe %is Aston' 'cause my 5orsc%e is bi$$er* And t%en "e'd run* +t%er options are realistic* (e could $o to t%e police* dunno* But 8d"ard's parents "ould be able to find us' "ouldn't t%ey/ From t%e license plates* 3ea%' so "e s%ould sell bot% cars* %elp %im* . t's o1ay*

+ne option is temptin$' but so "ron$* (e could 1ill Carlisle and 8sme* s%a1e my %ead* &tupid t%ou$%t* 'm "eird* #uesday also $oes by 0uic1ly* #oo 0uic1ly* "ant to tal1 to %im' but %e insists on studyin$ for finals* pretend to do t%e same' sittin$ at %is des1* He sits in %is bed* Boo1s stre"n all o)er* #%e coo1ies are on %is ni$%tstand* #%ey're c%ocolate c%ip' and fa)orite* lemonade* si$% and tap my pen a$ainst my notepad* .&tudy' #in1s'. 8d"ard says 0uietly' and focused on %is boo1s' but . can't'. loo1 o)er at %im* His eyes are made %im earlier

1no" t%ey're %is

remember* A $lass of %omemade lemonade' too* 'm no coo1'

but my mom tau$%t me to ba1e c%ocolate c%ip and %o" to ma1e t%e best

see t%e small smile on %is lips*

say' poutin$* . 'm bored*. No" %e loo1s up* . need a roll my eyes' 'cause can see t%at %is mind $oes strai$%t

distraction*. t%at'.

for t%e $utter* He can barely "al1' but %e t%in1s %e can fuc1/ 5lease* .Not c%uc1le' and %e 2ust s%ru$s "it% an impis% $rin* .Let's tal1*.

.No'. %e says ri$%t a"ay* Hard nut to crac1* .Not about4that'. lie* .About somet%in$ else*. tap

my c%in* .Did you al"ays "ant to be a doctor/. &lo"ly' as if %e's %esitatin$' %e s%a1es %is %ead* 8yes focused on t%e bedspread* .&till don't'. %e admits* .Ne)er did*. And $et it* t's Carlisle's decision*

He controls 8d"ard in e)ery aspect' it seems* Killin$ Carlisle and 8sme doesn't feel so "ron$' after all* .(%at did you "ant to become "%en you "ere little/. He crac1s a small $rin' but %e "on't face me* .6m4a carpenter/ &omet%in$ "it% "ood"or1in$*. His $rin fades* . t's stupid' 2ust a 1id*. fro"n* .(%y "ould t%at be stupid/. But %e doesn't %a)e to ans"er* .Let me $uess* 3our dear fat%er told you it "asn't $ood enou$%*. He doesn't reply* .Hey' >esus "as a carpenter*. $a:e* .?i$%t'. %e c%uc1les silently* . 'll be sure to tell Dad t%at*. And my smile is $one* =C38= For dinner' ma1e pi::a "it% %elp from a simple recipe <oo$led* He tells smile c%ee1ily as %e finally meets my 1no"* "as

me pi::a is %is fa)orite' and "e eat it to$et%er in %is room* He as1s for seconds and t%irds' "%ic% ma1es me feel $iddy* He also as1s for more lemonade' and feel "arm*

.(%at's "it% t%e $oofy smile' #in1s/. duc1 my %ead* .Not%in$*. He burps* #%en lau$%s* .&orry* 6m' t%an1s for dinner* t "as really $ood* 3ou s%ould be a c%ef or some s%it*. 1iss %is c%ee1' and t%en ta1e t%e plates do"nstairs*

7y $ood mood )anis%es "%en

reac% t%e 1itc%en' t%ou$%' because

see

t%e calendar on t%e frid$e* #omorro"'s date is circled' and inside it says' .(e'll be %ome at ten 57* =7om.* 1ne" t%ey "ere comin$ bac1 tomorro"' but to see it li1e t%at only reminds me t%at "ant us to lea)e* (it% t%at t%ou$%t' run up t%e stairs a$ain* left' and %e's resumed %is studyin$* don't %a)e muc% time left*

He's on t%e bed' li1e %e "as "%en .He %its you' 8d"ard'. anymore*.

say bluntly' a little out of breat%* #%ree floors in

t%is %ouse' is all 'm sayin$* 8d"ard's %ead snaps up* . can't a)oid t%is "a)e a %and bet"een us and ta1e a fe" steps furt%er into t%e room* . already did it "it% Alice, refuse to do it a$ain*. His 2a" clenc%es* . t's not up to you*. .&o' you're 2ust $onna let %im brea1 your bones/. . ')e sur)i)ed t%is since "as fi)e fuc1in$ years old' 'ella@ t%in1 can

%andle a fe" more "ee1s*. For t%e umpteent% time' my stomac% rolls* &ince %e "as "i%e/ He lau$%s mirt%lessly* .For$ot to tell ya t%at' did / 3ea%' %e's4done t%at since "as fi)e* (%ate)er*. repeat in disbelief* s"allo" do"n bile* .8d"ard-. c%o1e'

.Whate%er/.

and my eyes "ell up* .He belon$s be%ind bars*. +r si9 feet under* .But you're 2ust $onna let %im $o on*.

He s%ru$s* . 'm lea)in$ in >une' and4. He a)erts %is eyes* . 'm used to it* can ta1e a punc%*. .And t%at's fuc1ed up;. s%out* .Listen to yourself;.

He smir1s* .Fuc1 you' Bella* 3ou don't 1no" "%at t%e %ell you're tal1in$ about' so su$$est you 2ust drop it*. s%a1e my %ead*

. can't, won't*.

.3ou can and you "ill'. %e ar$ues* .(e're tal1in$ about a fe" $oddamn "ee1s* #%en 'm out of %ere* >ust42ust close your eyes or somet%in$* 5retend you don't 1no" "%at's $oin$ on*. >ust close my eyes* 3ea%' not %appenin$* . 'm not $onna 1ill myself'. %e lau$%s t%rou$% %is nose* #%e lau$%ter dies' and "%at's left is a $lare* . 'm not some pussy* +nly "ea1 people ta1e t%e easy "ay out*. i$nore t%at and refuse to "elcome Alice's ima$e in my %ead* .3our eyes $i)e you a"ay' you 1no"*. He stares at me' actin$ indifferent,a bit condescendin$' e)en,but "on't $i)e %im t%e satisfaction of %a)in$ t%e last "ord* n t%ose eyes' see so muc% pain t%at it's p%ysically painful for me*

Ho" can %e not "ant4re)en$e or somet%in$/ .3ou "ant out'. say* .And-. do' you bitc%;. %e screams* flinc%

#%at ma1es %im e9plode* .+f course

as %e $ets off t%e bed* His eyes are murderous* .3ou're blind'. %e $rits

out' ad)ancin$ slo"ly* .3ou $re" up "it% t%e lo)in$ parents' t%e smiles' and all t%e "ucking bulls%it*. He points to %is c%est* . didn't* And you 1no" "%at t%at means/. He to"ers o)er me* . t means you don't 1no" s%it'. %e "%ispers* .A"' loo1 at t%at* 3ou're $onna cry no"/ 3ou're $onna cry 2ust because raised my )oice/ #%at's stron$*. (%ile try to control did' my $oddamn emotions' %e smiles menacin$ly' ma1in$ me feel insi$nificant and small* (ea1* . don't need a sa)ior' Bella* And if sure as %ell "ouldn't $o to you*. s0uee:e my eyes s%ut* He c%uc1les* .#%at ri$%t t%ere* <ood $irl* Keep your eyes closed* 'll be outta %ere in no time*. He steps a"ay* .Fuc1in$ pussy*. Don't let him bully you, 'ella. 7y eyes flas% open* ta1e a deep breat%* . f you don't lea)e "it% me tomorro"' tell %im firmly* He blin1s* up our s%it and 2ust $o* "ill ta1e do"n Carlisle myself'.

see amusement t%en ra$e* .(e could lea)e*. %a)e my parents' money comin$ as soon as 'm

And no" 'm pleadin$ "it% %im* Fuc1* .Hear me out' 8d"ard* (e can pac1 ei$%teen* (e could sell t%e cars-. He cuts me off "it% a lau$%' "%ic% seems to %urt %is ribs* .(ill you listen to yoursel"/. %e "%ee:es out t%rou$% lau$%s* .Ho" fuc1in$ naB)e are you/. . 'm se)enteen fuc1in$ years old' Cullen;. bein$ some mastermind;. 7y c%est %ea)es* scream* . 'm sorry for not

7y )ision blurs* . 'm trying'. c%o1e out* .#o4to do t%e ri$%t t%in$*.

He $i)es me a blan1 stare* . "on't 0uit*. 'm do"n to "%ispers* . f you don't do it' in prison* &%it' so does your mom*. (it%out anot%er loo1 at %im' lea)e %is room* =C38= "a1e up in t%e middle of t%e ni$%t' and 'm not alone in my bed* 8d"ard is be%ind me' %oldin$ me to %is body in a ti$%t $rip* .8d"ard'. mumble sleepily' unable to turn around* can feel %is "ill* He belon$s

. 'm a"a1e'. %e mumbles bac1 and loosens %is %old on me* breat% on my nec1* . 'm sorry* About before*. don't "ant %is apolo$ies* #%e only t%in$ "ant is for us to lea)e* loo1 up at %is face* c%oose not to comment*

#urnin$ around in %is arms'

can see t%at %e's been cryin$' but .5lease'. breat%e out*

He 1no"s "%at 'm pleadin$ for* . t's not t%at simple' #in1s'. %e "%ispers* . can't 2ust run*. .(%y/. don't care about t%e tears formin$ in my eyes* don't care if

t%at ma1es me "ea1* .(e could disappear* , 4. al"ays "anted to $o to Alas1a*.

ta1e a breat%* .

n t%e dar1ness' eyes* .Alas1a' %u%/ do' but

can see %is $rin' but

can also see t%e emotion in %is

t%ou$%t you %ated t%e cold*. mutter' loo1in$

remember seein$ pictures4 .Ne)er mind'.

do"n at %is c%est* . t "as stupid*. He si$%s and s0uee:es me a little* * * * .3ou mean a lot to me' #in1s*. smile' s%i)er' and re)el* ?e$ardless of %o" muc% ')e stru$$led a$ainst 8d"ard' %e means a lot to me' too* He means so muc% t%at ')e come to reali:e my feelin$s for Alec ne)er ran as deep as lift my c%in* .Ditto' baby*. He smiles softly and $i)es me a s"eet 1iss* * * * . %a)e one memory from 5%oeni9'. %e says 0uietly' a small smile playin$ on %is lips* .(e "ere4 don't 1no"4maybe t%ree or four*. reac% up and smoot% out t%e crease bet"een %is bro"s* . "as c%asin$ you around*. remember' too* t%ou$%t*

.3ou 1issed me'. maybe* bac1yard*

"%isper' closin$ my eyes to4$et closer to t%e memory' see it clearly* (e "ere runnin$ around in my remember 7om brin$in$ us coo1ies' and4 scolded %im

don't 1no"* But recall $i$$les*

remember 8d"ard 1issin$ me* His %ands "ere co)ered in c%ocolate from t%e coo1ies' and smile to myself' also rememberin$ %o" for $ettin$ c%ocolate on my dress* #%e last .3ea%* remember is t%at %e tic1led me 'til smiled a$ain*

did*. He si$%s and 1isses me on t%e fore%ead* .&leep' baby*.

Fallin$ asleep is easy* 'm in %is arms' and e)eryt%in$ feels better* At t%is point' %a)e no idea t%at %is "alls "ill be bac1 in full force don't 1no" is t%at 8d"ard Cullen "ill

tomorro" mornin$* Anot%er t%in$

crus% me to pieces* He doesn't 1no" t%is yet' eit%er* But %e "ill* &oon* #omorro"' in fact* EPOV (a1in$ up t%e ne9t mornin$ is li1e turnin$ o)er a ne" leaf* +r per%aps returnin$ to an old one,one "%ere "as in control*

Last ni$%t' it "as so easy to $et lost in t%e s"eet bulls%it #in1s said* But 1no" it's impossible* Dad "ould ne)er let me $et a"ay and4a life on

t%e run/ No' t%an1s* And t%e idea of pressin$ c%ar$es ma1es me crin$e* 8)eryone "ould 1no"* (it%out "a1in$ up #in1s' lea)e %er room*

&%e's made it perfectly clear t%at s%e "on't $i)e up' meanin$ stop %er' and t%e 0uestion is %o"* don't* Fuc1* ')e ne)er felt4 'm pretty sure 'm in lo)e "it% %er* t's too bad my life suc1s* med-sc%ool' residency4 need %er to bac1 off' and as an idea stri1es'

%a)e to

don't "ant to %urt %er, 4 really

%a)e e)eryt%in$ planned for me* 5re-med'

doubt t%at 'm really in

lo)e* Because "%at 'm t%in1in$4are t%in$s you don't do to t%e people you lo)e* But if it $ets %er to stop' if it ma1es sure Dad "on't come after %er4t%en don't see anot%er "ay* %a)e to protect myself' but most of all' %er* Dad %as "or1ed %ard to $et to "%ere %e is* He "on't let #in1s $et in t%e "ay* And %e'd ruin %er* &ittin$ at my des1' lo$ on and %it up <oo$le*

Findin$ %er old %i$% sc%ool s%ouldn't be too %ard* #urns out' it's not* #%eir sc%ool "ebpa$e is pac1ed "it% info* find plenty of stuff on Faceboo1' too* +lec De%in( Former teac%er "%ere #in1s "ent* He's en$a$ed to a #anya No)i1o)' accordin$ to Faceboo1' and mentioned fiancIe %as a sister named rina* #in1s %as mentioned %er* stare at t%e screen* n case #in1s decides to tal1' 5eople can't belie)e %er* need to ma1e sure s%e's not reliable*

t's funny' 'cause it feels li1e 'm dyin$' yet pic1in$ up t%e p%one* I'm sorry.

don't stop myself from

Chapter song + 'ad Dream by 8eane BPOV (%en "a1e up on (ednesday mornin$' it ta1es ten minutes before my

$ood mood is ruined* 8d"ard and ne)er settled anyt%in$ last ni$%t' but "as still under t%e searc% t%e entire

impression t%at "e "ere eit%er lea)in$ or reportin$ Carlisle to t%e police* But t%at "on't %appen' seein$ as 8d"ard isn't %ome* %ouse' but %e's not t%ere* <ood mood,effecti)ely ruined* Li1e said*

He did lea)e a note' t%ou$%* +n t%e frid$e* I'll be back around ten tonight Cullen. stare at t%at note for a lon$ time* +ne' %is parents "ill be bac1 around t%e same time* #"o' %e si$ned t%e note "it% .Cullen.* Not 8d"ard*

don't 1no" "%y t%at bu$s me' but it does* (e're Cullen and Bella "%en "e fi$%t* +t%er"ise' "e're 8d"ard and #in1s* #%at's 2ust %o" it is* si$% to myself' and t%en my stomac% $ro"ls* 'm not a little %un$ry, 'm suddenly star%ing* also notice t%at don't feel nauseous t%is mornin$* need to ma1e a stuff my face "it% t%e first one' #%at's $ood* +penin$ t%e frid$e' %ear t%e doorbell* .6$%*. lea)e my sand"ic% be%ind "it% one lon$in$ $lance and t%en %ead %elp myself to "%at

couple sand"ic%es' and by t%e time

to t%e door* 'm more t%an a little surprised to see bot% ?ose and C%arlotte on t%e ot%er side* 'Cause it's (ednesday,t%ey s%ould be in sc%ool* &o s%ould ' but ')e called in sic1* .3ou don't loo1 sic1'. ?ose says flatly and enters* 7y eyebro"s rise* . bet Cullen doesn't loo1 sic1' eit%er*. C%arlotte $i)es me a smir1 and enters' too* f only s%e 1ne" %o" sic1 Cullen loo1s* .(%at're you doin$ %ere/. 1itc%en' muc% to my 2oy' so as1' follo"in$ t%em* (e end up in t%e ta1e my seat at t%e 1itc%en island a$ain and

$i)e my delicious sand"ic% my attention* .#%ere's more if you're %un$ry*. "a)e a %and in t%e direction of t%e frid$e* .&o' t%is is %o" you ric% 1ids li)e'. ?ose comments' loo1in$ around* And it %its me t%at t%ey')e ne)er been %ere* 8d"ard ne)er allo"s people to )isit' and 1no" "%y* .As for "%at "e're doin$ %ere4. Her eyes land on me a$ain* .?emember t%e party last &aturday/.

0ow could I "orget. spent t"o or t%ree %ours complainin$ about my s%itty life* (e "ere actually all complainin$* C%arlotte "%ined about %er entire family mo)in$ to #e9as,"%ere t%ey are ori$inally from,and it %appens to be "%ere C%arlotte's attendin$ colle$e t%is fall* &%e 2ust didn't t%in1 %er family "ould follo" %er* And ?ose bitc%ed about 8mmett@ %e "ants %er to $o to a local colle$e' but s%e can't "ait to $et out of %ere* &%e's $oin$ to 6CLA' and "%ile s%e's ecstatic about t%at' s%e's also $oin$ to miss 8mmett* tal1ed about Cullen i$norin$ me' about my tits %urtin$' about t%e upcomin$ finals t%at dread' and t%en "ent %ome and tried to tal1 to 8d"ard a$ain4only to be met by not%in$* .Fun times'. ans"er "it% my mout% full* t%ro" in a sarcastic smile for

$ood measure*

c%e" and s"allo" t%en "al1 o)er to t%e frid$e and $rab

sodas for us* .&o' "%at about it/. C%arlotte $rins "ryly and leans close to ?ose* .Doesn't Bella 2ust loo1 $lo"in$/. #%e %ell/ .Definitely*. ?ose smir1s and eyes me up and do"n* conscious' so feel a little self-

tu$ on t%e %em of my t-s%irt and smoot% out my yo$a

pants* .#%ey're bi$$er' aren't t%ey/. &%e 2er1s %er c%in at my boobs' and my eyebro"s s%oot up a$ain* .+%' yea%*. C%arlotte nods and ta1es a sip from %er Co1e* . bet t%ey're still sore* ?i$%t' Bella/. .(%at t%e fuc1 are you tal1in$ about/. Bitc%es %a)e lost t%eir minds* splutter*

.#%is is an inter)ention'. ?ose says solemnly' %oldin$ up a small ba$* .(e t%in1 it's time you stop li)in$ in denial*. C%arlotte %ums in a$reement* .Denial isn't only a ri)er in 8$ypt' $irl*. fro"n* .3ea%' #%ey s%ru$* .(%ate)er*. ?ose "a)es me off* . %ope you need to pee*. And t%en s%e tosses me t%e ba$' "%ic% Cullen 1noc1ed you up*. drop t%e ba$* drop my 2a"' too* 5retty sure $o pale* =C38= cry,no' 'm a mess* 'm on t%e floor in t%e do"nstairs bat%room* 'm pre$nant* 5regnant* . t "ill be o1ay' %un'. %ear ?ose say softly* sob* And scream out in a$ony* almost don't catc%* .'Cause it's time to see if ne)er $ot t%at one' 'cause it's the Nile* Not de Nile*.

s%a1e my %ead no and 1eep cryin$ into my %ands* t "on't be o1ay* #%is is too fuc1ed up* 'm not e)en ei$%teen yet' and 'm supposed to be a mot%er/ And don't $et me started on t%e boy "%o's t%e fat%er* +%' <od* 8d"ard* (e fuc1ed up* (e')e been so $oddamn irresponsible*

.6m' s"eetie4. C%arlotte sits do"n ne9t to me on t%e floor* .Do you 1no" %o" far alon$ you mi$%t be/. .+%' <od'. croa1' a$ain s%a1in$ my %ead' because %a)e no idea* also

%a)e no desire "%atsoe)er to t%in1 about it* a"ay* Ha)en't

2ust "ant t%is misery to $o

suffered enou$%/ First Alec' t%en my "%ole sc%ool

belie)in$ "%ate)er lie rina let circulate' t%en losin$ my parents,bot% my parents' on t%e same day' as t%ey "ere on t%eir "ay to pic1 me up4t%en t%is "%ole Cullen mess' and4no" 'm pre$nant/ 5re$nant* (it% a fuc1in$ 1id/ .Ha)e you %ad unprotected se9 more t%an once/. ?ose as1s %esitantly* "ant to )omit* (%o 1no"s %o" many times "e')e scre"ed "it%out a condom/ 8d"ard ne)er $a)e a fuc1' and complainin$* 8)en "%en 8d"ard pulled out before %e' %e4 (e %a)en't been safe at all* start sobbin$ a$ain* .And you're not on t%e pill or anyt%in$/. C%arlotte "%ispers* Anot%er s%a1e of my %ead* ')e been meanin$ to $et on t%e pill' but stopped ta1in$ it' 'cause t%e last t%in$ t%en4 . fuc1ed up'. cry* %a)en't* (%en left 5%oeni9' 1no" "as too %i$% to do more t%an a little

sa" no reason for it* (it% Alec out of t%e "ay'

needed "as anot%er $uy in my life* 6$%* Little did

.+%' Bella'. ?ose murmurs and slips %er arm around my s%oulders* .Don't put all blame on yourself* t's Cullen's mista1e' too*. #rust me* 1no"* But none of t%at matters no"* 'm pre$nant*

?ose spea1s a$ain' still in a 0uiet and soft )oice* .#%ere4u%' t%ere are options4of course4/. 1no" "%at s%e's tal1in$ about' and for some reason' t%e "ord .options. ma1es me reac% for t%e toilet* #%e nausea is o)er"%elmin$ and painful' and %ea)e into t%e toilet o)er and o)er' e)en "%en it feels li1e my brea1 out in a cold s"eat and 'm stomac% %as been completely emptied*

s%i)erin$' but at t%e same time it feels li1e 'm on fire* 7y eyes burn' my c%est burns' my s1in burns* 8)eryt%in$ is cra"lin$ inside of me* For me' reali:e' t%ere is only one option*

can't ta1e a life "%en ')e lost so many around me* Alice* 7om* Dad4 Before t%at' t%ere "ere my $randparents4 8)eryone close to me 2ust seems to drop dead* No* can't $o "it%4options4as ?ose put it*

can't* =C38= (%en Carlisle and 8sme return t%at ni$%t' 8d"ard still %asn't come %ome* tell t%em about %is note on t%e frid$e and t%at's t%at* don't "ant to be in t%e same room as t%em' so and $o up to my o"n room* e9cuse myself 0uic1ly

s%ould study' but t%at's t%e least of my concerns' to be %onest* nstead find myself t%in1in$ about t%e future,my immediate future,and ')e ne)er been so $lad t%at $raduation is only "ee1s a"ay* +f course' t%ere's also dealin$ "it% 8d"ard@ $oin$ to react' but out of %ere' "%ic% %a)e to tell %im* %a)e no idea %o" %e's doubt it'll be a positi)e reaction* All %e "ants is to $et can't fault %im for' but %is ne9t step is colle$e*

?e$ardless of "%at %e "ants for %imself' %e's dead set on follo"in$ in %is fat%er's footsteps and becomin$ a doctor* Carpenter* #%at's "%at %e "anted to be "%en %e "as little* But Carlisle put a stop to t%at' of course* Fuc1in$ ass%ole* s%a1e my %ead' clearin$ it* can't afford to "aste time* #%ere's so muc% supposed to ma1e turn

to do' and' and4 'm only se)enteen; Ho" t%e %ell am

smart decisions/ (%ile money "on't be an issue,at least once

ei$%teen and $et my money t%at 7om and Dad left be%ind,t%ere's still so muc% more t%an t%at* #%ere's no plan' no course of action,at all4and barely e)en 1no" "%at's ri$%t* #%is is supposed to be t%e time in my life "%ere s%ould be able to ma1e mista1es and t%en learn from t%em and mo)e on* But you can't mo)e on from a baby* 1esus Christ* A baby* place my %ands on my flat stomac%* A baby* (it% 8d"ard Cullen as its fat%er/ When it rains, it really "ucking pours. let out a s%a1y breat% and fall bac1 on my bed* stare at t%e ceilin$ "it% silent tears fallin$ do"n my temples* Not t%at 'm ta1in$ anyt%in$ for $ranted or assumin$ 1no"' but 'm

pretty certain 8d"ard "on't4um' "ant4that* A baby* (it% me* No* #%ere's no "ay* His "%ole e9istence is fuc1ed up@ %e's miserable and %urtin$* He's )iolent and al"ays defensi)e* .""ensi%e* But does t%at mean %e "ill as1 me to $o "it%4options/ +ne side of me says t%at %e "ill' and

not only t%at' but %e %as e)ery ri$%t to* (e're only se)enteen and "e come "it% so muc% ba$$a$e* And t%e ot%er side of me "%ispers' .7aybe t%is "ill be %is sal)ation* 7aybe t%is "ill ma1e %im "ant to escape t%is %ell*. #%at's ob)iously t%e $irl in me "%isperin$ t%at bulls%it* #%e little $irl in me "%o still %olds out %ope for rainbo"s and fairytales' "%o %asn't come to terms "it% t%e loss of 7om and Dad4t%e $irl "%o li)es in a fantasy in order to $et a"ay from real life4t%e $irl "%o "is%es all of t%is "as 2ust a bad dream* &o4"%en "ill ronically' "a1e up/

close my eyes and fall asleep* =C38=

(%en

$et up t%e ne9t mornin$' e)eryone is $one e9cept for 8sme*

.<ood mornin$' s"eetie;. s%e $reets "it% a "ide smile* .Brea1fast/. 7y stomac% c%urns at t%e t%ou$%t' but li1e a flip of a s"itc%' t%e c%urnin$ stops and 'm %un$ry* &till' t%is %ouse,and 8sme' t%at fuc1in$4 don't e)en %a)e "ords for %er,ma1es my insides scream in protest* "anna $et out of %ere* &o' "it% a forced smile' s%ould $et $oin$* . 'll pic1 somet%in$ up at t%e coffee s%op'. add 0uietly before lea)in$* don't 2ust decline and say t%at

+n my "ay o)er to &ue's Coffee' 'm numb* &till in s%oc1' maybe* feel a t%in$' nor do think about anyt%in$* 2ust let it all $o*

#%at little dreamer in me is still "aitin$ for me to "a1e up from t%is ni$%tmare* t%in1 s%e's in for a rude a"a1enin$*

.<ood mornin$;. &ue says "armly as 1ind' and

enter %er coffee s%op* #%e

difference bet"een %er and 8sme is t%at &ue is $enuine* &%e's s"eet and can't blame ?ose and C%arlotte for lo)in$ t%is place more t%an t%e diner* Ho"e)er' &ue closes around four,for some reason,"%ic% is "%y "e usually end up at t%e diner after sc%ool4unless 'm off "it% 8d"ard' t%at is* .<ood mornin$'. say 0uietly t%en clear my t%roat* #%ere's only one don't reco$ni:e %im' felt li1e 'd

customer in %ere besides me' a man in %is late t"enties' 'd say' and %e's sittin$ in a corner boot%' readin$ a ne"spaper* "%ic% times "%en find a little odd* After a fe" "ee1s of li)in$ in For1s'

seen e)ery face at least once and 1ne" t%eir routines* Because t%e fe" come in %ere for coffee before sc%ool' it's al"ays empty* Ho"e)er' lea)e' often run into &ue's %usband* #%en' "%en lea)e t%e

par1in$ lot' a police cruiser dri)es in at t%e same time* &ee/ 8)eryone %ere comes and $oes li1e cloc1"or1* .(%at can $et ya' %oney/. &ue as1s*

$i)e t%e menu on t%e "all be%ind %er a $lance and settle for an iced tea* t's funny' 'cause it's not until after ')e ordered t%at remember readin$

somet%in$ about pre$nant "omen not bein$ able to drin1 coffee* +r maybe it "as 7om tellin$ me/ 8%* ?andom* (%ate)er* .(%at fla)or/. s%e as1s ne9t' smilin$ softly* .(e %a)e lemon and peac%* +%' and do you "ant decaf or-. nod ri$%t a"ay* .Decaf' t%an1 you*. Damn' usually caffeine in t%at s%it* .6m4. $ood*. &%e nods and $ets busy* (%en some timer $oes off' s%e spea1s a$ain' t%ou$% it's not to me* .7r* (%itloc1' your ba$el is ready*. didn't e)en 1no" t%ere "as

c%e" on my lip* .5eac% sounds

*r. Whitlock( ')e met C%arlotte's fat%er and t%is $uy sure isn't %im* But (%itloc1 can't be t%e most common last name' can it/ &urely not %ere' any"ay* &o' sorta assume it's a relati)e of C%arlotte's* He approac%es "it% a 1ind smile' and definitely see t%e resemblance

bet"een %im and C%arlotte's dad' t%ou$% t%is $uy is a lot youn$er* .#%an1 you' ma'am'. %e says in a "arm &out%ern dra"l' one t%at's more pronounced t%an C%arlotte's fat%er's* #%is man4 He's %andsome and loo1s so4nice* Hospitable* C%armin$* (it% blue eyes and dirty blond %air,a little curly* His smile is croo1ed and s"eet* .And ')e told you to call me >asper'. %e adds "it% a "in1* 1esus. &ue actually $i$$les* #%en s%e turns to me as s%e stic1s a stra" into my iced tea* .Here you $o' %oney*. (it% an a"1"ard smile' fact t%at 'm still %un$ry* =C38= As arri)e at sc%ool' fro"n to myself "%en don't see 8d"ard's Aston* fi$ured %e'd left already* No" pay for my be)era$e t%en %aul ass' i$norin$ t%e

&ince %e "asn't at t%e %ouse t%is mornin$'

'm not so sure* He al"ays par1s in t%e same spot' and %e's ne)er late for classes* 8)er* (ell' at least not "%en Carlisle's %ome* ')e s1ipped a class or t"o "it% 8d"ard before' but only "%en Carlisle's out of to"n* t also %its me t%at %ours' and fell asleep* %a)en't actually seen 8d"ard in almost t"enty-four

can't be sure t%at %e e)en came %ome last ni$%t* After all'

For a second' fear rus%es do"n my spine "%en t%e t%ou$%t of 8d"ard bein$ "it% %is friends in &eattle snea1s into my mind' but t%en let out a bitter c%uc1le* He doesn't ha%e any friends in &eattle* t "as all a fuc1in$ c%arade* t still is* t's 8d"ard's e9cuse "%ene)er %e comes to sc%ool "it% bruises and' and' and4fuc1* (ill %e e)en be %ere today/ &%it* 5robably not* His ribs still %urt@ it %asn't e)en been a "ee1 since it %appened* t' bein$ Carlisle's $oddamn beatdo"n* <od' (it% a curse' could 2ust 1ill t%at bastard*

lea)e my 5orsc%e' bac1pac1 and iced tea in %and*

&c%ool is borin$* #%ere's tal1 about prom and summer plans' si$nin$ of yearboo1s and $raduation parties* t doesn't concern me* don't $i)e a crap* t actually feels li1e 'm "al1in$

in a %a:e' interactin$ "it% classmates on autopilot' ans"erin$ teac%ers "it% as fe" "ords as possible' $i)in$ emotionless e9pressions or 2ust not bot%erin$ to respond at all* (ell' respond to teac%ers' but certainly not "%en some $irls as1 me to s%oppin$ "it% t%em or "%en a dude as1s "%ere 'm %idin$ Cullen t%is mornin$* t's not until lunc% t%at because per1 up a little from my numb state' and it's

see C%arlotte in t%e cafeteria* A friendly face' t%an1 <od* Not don't care,ne)er bot%ered* mo)ed %ere' and clic1ed "it% ?ose and stayed "it%

t%at ot%ers aren't friendly' but C%arlotte is a friend* Can't say t%e same for t%e rest* A$ain' C%arlotte "%en t%em* +nce ')e paid for my lunc%,a c%ic1en salad' a slice of pi::a' an apple' a tur1ey sand"ic%' and a soda, "al1 o)er to "%ere C%arlotte's sittin$ alone* Her smile is bot% careful and "ry* .Hun$ry/. &%e $i)es my tray a pointed loo1* "as satisfied "it% t%at*

.&%ut up'.

say flatly' pic1in$ up my pi::a slice first* .(%ere's ?ose/.

&%e nods in t%e direction of t%e "indo"s' "%ic% are facin$ t%e par1in$ lot* Loo1in$ out' spot ?ose and 8mmett' and it seems li1e t%ey're in a

%eated ar$ument* (%en ?ose is pissed' s%e tends to spea1 "it% %er %ands* 7aybe s%e "as talian in %er past life* .Kno" "%at it's about/. as1' c%e"in$*

&%e s%ru$s and pic1s at %er o"n c%ic1en salad* .5robably t%e same old s%it*. A%* And t%at "ould be ?ose's future departure to 6CLA* .By t%e "ay' %o" are you today/. 7y turn to s%ru$* .Not ready to deal "it% it*. n need of a topic c%an$e' remember t%is mornin$* .Hey' do you 1no" a >asper (%itloc1/. .6m' yes/. &%e fro"ns' confused* .He's my uncle,on my dad's side*. fi$ured it "as somet%in$ li1e t%at* . sa" %im at &ue's t%is mornin$* Accidently %eard %is name*. )isitin$/. &%e $rins* .3ea%' but %e "asn't supposed to come until tomorro"* Hu%* (ell' can't "ait to see %im a$ain* He's so cool*. "a)e it off dismissi)ely* . $uess %e's

smir1* .Not bad to loo1 at' eit%er*. .&lut;. s%e $i$$les* .#%at's my uncle;. s%ru$ and $et bac1 to eatin$' and

C%arlotte $oes on* .He told me %e "asn't able to come to my $raduation, somet%in$ about a seminar4 don't 1no"*. &%e s%a1es off t%e t%ou$%t* . said it "asn't a bi$ deal' but %e "anted to come' so %e offered to )isit earlier*.

.Nice*.

nod t%en un"rap my sand"ic%* 'Cause t%at pi::a slice

disappeared* >ust li1e t%at* .&eminar/ (%at does %e do/. Fran1ly' don't really care' but 'd tal1 about molecular science if it

$uaranteed t%at t%e "ord .pre$nancy. ne)er came up* .6m' don't 1no" if t%ere's a title to %is profession'. s%e c%uc1les and

scrunc%es %er nose* . t's somet%in$ about "omen*. 7y eyebro"s s%oot up and C%arlotte lets out anot%er $i$$le "%en s%e reali:es %o" t%at sounded* .Not%in$ 1in1y;. s%e lau$%s* .No' but' u%4%e %as t%is %ouse in 7emp%is, t%at's "%ere %e li)es,and %e ta1es care of "omen "%o're escapin$ abusi)e %usbands4somet%in$ li1e t%at*. 7y stomac% is suddenly tied in 1nots@ t%e topic 2ust %its too close to %ome* .He's really a doctor,a pediatrician* He finis%ed %is residency a couple of years a$o' but t%en t%ere "as a case,a "oman and a son "%o came in4 don't really remember t%e story' but my uncle c%an$ed %is mind* He "anted to %elp "omen "%o "ere in t%at situation or "%ate)er*. &%e "a)es it off li1e it's no bi$ deal* .And since my $randfat%er left Dad and 6ncle >asper a lot of money "%en %e died' >asper used t%at to start (%itloc1 House*. No" s%e smiles' pride e)ident in %er )oice* .He ta1es in "omen from all o)er t%e country' pretty muc%,ne)er turns anyone do"n* f t%e %ouse is full' "%ic% it often is' %e pays for t%eir %otel*. 'm ama:ed* (%ile t%e topic is still a sensiti)e one' can't deny t%at

1inda "anna 1no" more* .But %o" can t%at $o around/ He 2ust $i)es4/. &%e nods* .Donations* >asper "ill li)e comfortably for t%e rest of %is life on a part of %is in%eritance' and t%en t%ere are donations to %elp run t%e foundation*. .(o"'. mutter' a"ed* .#%at's so4so selfless*.

. t definitely is*. &%e smiles softly and is about to say somet%in$ more' but a commotion in t%e cafeteria causes us to loo1 up*

EPOV (%en pull in to t%e sc%ool par1in$ lot a little before noon' %a)e to pus%

do"n nausea o)er and o)er* par1 in my usual spot' but yet* nstead t%e "%eel' too* And don't ma1e a mo)e to $et out of t%e car 2ust

1eep my %ands on t%e steerin$ "%eel* 7y fore%ead drops to breat%e* 7y ribs %urt' but t%at's surprisin$ly easy to

i$nore* +t%er pains are bi$$er* . t's for t%e best'. breat%e out to myself* (%at 'm about to do4it's for %a)e to

t%e best* #in1- 'ella %as made it perfectly clear t%at s%e's not $i)in$ up* &%e's $oin$ to run t%at mout% of %ers4so I %a)e to s%ut %er up* ensures s%e "on't tal14 'm selfis%* Heartless* reali:e t%is' but can't stop* ')e tried to see t%is ma1e %er unreliable* No one can trust a "ord s%e says* 5lus' if t%is

from different perspecti)es, ')e tried to spin t%is into loo1in$ li1e 'm doin$ it for Bella's o"n $ood* But t%at's bulls%it* ')e suffered t%rou$% t%is %ell for almost t%irteen years@ it's time to stop it* t's time to $et out' and4t%at "on't %appen if Bella tal1s* Aut%orities "ill be in)ol)ed@ people "ill find out* #%ey "ill 1no" t%at my o"n fat%er beats t%e s%it out of me' t%ey "ill 1no" t%at my mot%er allo"s for it to %appen' t%ey "ill 1no" t%at ')e been too "ea1 to stand up for myself* he eight:year:old boy sits huddled in a corner as his "ather yells at him "or being a weakling. Edward hates his daddy's o""ice, because when he's in there/it 2ust hurts. 0e knows he's done wrong, but right and wrong isn't always easy to separate. .I'%e told you to stop this4) Carlisle shouts. 0e "orce"ully grabs Edward's arm and pulls him up. )!top acting like a baby, and start beha%ing like a boy4)

.I'm sorry4) Edward sobs. )I'm s:sorry4) +ll he did was pick "lowers to his mommy. 0is "riend, &ee !te%ens, had helped him while they were waiting "or *rs. !te%ens a"ter school. Edward liked the yellow "lowers particularly, and he had picked so many o" them, hoping they'd make *ommy happy. 'ecause she's sick;has a cold or something. +nd she's in bed. hen when *rs. !te%ens had dropped o"" Edward at home, he'd entered the kitchen 2ust as Carlisle and Dr. &iam;a "riend o" Daddy's;were hugging. Edward had been so happy, wanting to show *ommy the "lowers, but Carlisle had been "urious and led him into the study. .!hut up4) Carlisle barks out. 0is grip on Edward's arm is beyond pain"ul, and Edward can't help "rom whimpering. 3n"ortunately, this only "uels Carlisle's anger. ) his is what I'm talking about4) he snaps at his son. )$ou play with "ucking dolls, you pick "lowers, you whimper like a goddamn girl, you wet your bed, you;you 2ust need to "ucking stop this shit, Edward4) he screams. Edward s9uee,es his eyes shut and waits "or the blow to come. It %ery o"ten does. $ulp* 7y c%est %ea)es* 'm so fuc1ed in t%e %ead* &ometimes s%a1e as feel li1e ')e deser)ed all t%is don't

crap@ Dad's "ords of %umiliation %a)e stuc1* And sometimes my %ands "ant to 1ill my o"n parents for "%at t%ey do to me* 1no" is t%at 1no" ri$%t from "ron$' up from do"n* All and t%at Bella stands in t%e "ay* see a "ay out

.+1ay*.

nod* .+1ay*. nternally'

1eep c%antin$ all t%is*

(it% a fe" deep breat%s'

lea)e t%e car*

?oyce and Laurent' t"o4ac9uaintances4from 5ort An$eles are par1ed on t%e ot%er side of t%e road* #%ere's not a lot t%ey "on't do for a 0uic1 buc1* .Cullen;. %ear someone s%out' and turn around to see 8mmett "al1in$

to"ard me* ?osalie's follo"in$* .8mmett' don't;. s%e screams* .3ou promised you "ouldn't tell;. 7y eyebro"s rise* .#%is isn't some 1inder$arten bulls%it' ?ose;. %e yells bac1 at %er* .He fuc1in$ deser)es to 1no";. roll my eyes' "onderin$ "%at petty crap t%ey're ar$uin$ about no"* >ust as ?osalie cries out t%at it's Bella's story to tell' 8mmett reac%es me' loo1in$ furious* can see t%at %is eyes ta1e in t%e bruises and cuts on my face' but %e doesn't mention it* suppose it's old ne"s* He most li1ely t%in1s ')e 2ust %ad anot%er "ee1end in &eattle* .3our c%ic1 is pre$nant'. %e $rits out* .Can you fuc1in$ belie)e t%at/. 7y bro"s furro"* .(%at t%e fuc1 are you tal1in$ about/. He lets out a frustrated breat% and $i)es me an impatient loo1* .Bella* &%e's 1noc1ed up*. stare at %im blan1ly*

#%e "ords sin1 in and 5regnant*

s%udder*

For one second' somet%in$ "arm and sensational rus%es t%rou$% me' lea)in$ my body tin$lin$* release a s%a1y breat%* #%en s%a1e my %ead 0uic1ly and bitterness seeps in* Follo"ed by ra$e'

disbelief' and pain* start lau$%in$* Hard* (it%out %umor* i$nore t%e t%robbin$ in my ribs*

8mmett loo1s at me li1e ')e $one insane* ?osalie loo1s "ary* 5regnant* And my lau$%in$ ceases* .#%at B #CH;. ?osalie' and scream out* 7y cold eyes meet 1no" "%at

point a fin$er at %er* .(%ere t%e "uck is s%e/.

t%is is* #%is Bella's attempt to ma1e me lea)e "it% %er,a reason for me to lea)e e)eryt%in$ be%ind* <od' s%e's fuc1in$ stupid* &%e 2ust "on't let t%in$s $o* &o' s%e fa1es a $oddamn pre$nancy/ 6n-fuc1in$- belie%able* Fuck, please tell me this is a bad dream. .#ell me "%ere s%e is' you useless cunt;. s%out at ?osalie* $-$uess t%e

6nc%aracteristically' s%e be$ins to stutter* . - don't 1no"* cafeteria/. nod once before 'm off*

&tormin$ t%rou$% t%e %alls' not carin$ "%o's follo"in$' t%ou$% 'm pretty sure it's se)eral people' ma1e my "ay to"ard t%e cafeteria* 'm ready to $i)e %er t%e pus% to $et t%e fuc1 out of For1s*

#%is little stunt "ill bac1fire on %er* (%en fuc1in$ &"an li1e a pla$ue* .Hey' man' don't do anyt%in$ stupid'. be%ind me* .Fuc1 off'.

call %er out on t%is bulls%it' it

"ill 2ust add to t%e pile 'm already buildin$ to ma1e people a)oid Bella

%ear 8mmett say ner)ously

spit out* .And don't fall for %er s%it* &%e's lyin$*. pus% open t%e doors to t%e cafeteria' "%ic% causes

(it% a %ard s%o)e'

t%em to slam a$ainst t%e "all* .Cullen' stop;. ?osalie pleads* i$nore t%e bitc% and :ero in on Bella' "%o %appens to loo1 up as %er* s%a1e my %ead at %er' approac%in$ slo"ly' and e)eryt%in$ %urts* #%e story of my fuc1in$ life* BPOV Besides t%e fact t%at 8d"ard loo1s murderous as %e "al1s to"ard me' also notice t%at ?ose is follo"in$ and t%at s%e's cryin$* .(%at t%e %ell/. C%arlotte mumbles' confused* 'm confused' too' and a little relie)ed to see 8d"ard a$ain* But "%y does %e loo1 li)id/ .(%o t%e fuc1 do you t%in1 you are' %u%/. %e bites out "%en %e's about ten feet a"ay* fro"n at %im before scannin$ t%e audience %e's attracted* .?emember "%en4. He c%uc1les* .?emember "%en you told me you're not%in$ but a "%ore/. find

7y eyes "iden' a breat% $ets stuc1 in my t%roat' and 'm not sure "%et%er 'm blus%in$ or palin$* Leanin$ o)er t%e table' %e dips do"n and "%ispers in my ear* . "arned you' 'ella* 3ou %a)e no idea "%at 'm capable of' and no" you'll e9perience it first%and*. (it% t%at' %e bac1s a"ay and smir1s* By no"' 'm pretty sure all t%e blood %as left my face' and 'm still so fuc1in$ confused* . "ill destroy you for "%at you')e done'. %e finis%es 0uietly* c%o1e* .8d-8d"ard/. He 2ust s%a1es %is %ead t%en lea)es* And 'm left be%ind' "%ile e)eryone around us "%ispers and loo1s in my direction* .(%at "as that about/. C%arlotte "%ispers in disbelief* . 4. can't find my "ords* And %a)e no idea* But since can't spea1'

2ust $i)e %er a %elpless loo1' my eyes still "ide after all t%at 2ust transpired* .Bella' 'm so sorry'. ?ose says tearfully' and didn't e)en 1no" s%e "as

standin$ ne9t to t%e table* .#%is is all my fault*. t's li1e 'm in a da:e a$ain' and understandin$* .6m' $irls' let's s1ip t%e ne9t class'. C%arlotte decides' eyein$ t%e cro"d t%at's only no" t%innin$ out* .(e can $o outside and tal1*. &o' fifteen minutes later "%en t%e bell rin$s' ?ose' C%arlotte' and are slo"ly s%a1e my %ead' not

sittin$ outside at one of t%e picnic tables' and ?ose %as 2ust finis%ed tellin$ me "%at s%e's done* But in my %onest opinion' 'm not e)en mad at %er* &%e 2ust di)ul$ed about my pre$nancy to 8mmett,"%o is %er

boyfriend' after all,and s%e %ad no idea t%at 8mmett "ould react t%e "ay %e did* And "%ile a$ree "%ole%eartedly t%at it "asn't ?ose's fuc1in$ said' 'm not mad* t's not my bi$$est business to tell 8mmett4li1e

concern ri$%t no"' because 8d"ard is* 8mmett told %im t%at 'm pre$nant' and4t%en 8d"ard acted t%e "ay %e did in t%e cafeteria* s"allo" %ard' 1no"in$ t%at tellin$ Cullen "ouldn't be easy' but4t%is4 t%is is "orse t%an e9pected* He "as so cold and furious*

He "ill destroy me for "%at ')e done/ 7y eyes "ell up and it feels li1e ')e been 1ic1ed in t%e $ut* +%' <od' e)eryt%in$ is 2ust too surreal* .Bella' %eard Cullen say somet%in$ about you lyin$'. ?ose adds' still

teary-eyed* .7aybe it's 2ust s%oc1/. .(%at do you mean/. not sure e9actly "%y* .Hey' isn't t%at ?oyce Kin$/. C%arlotte as1s suddenly* Follo"in$ %er $a:e' see t"o $uys enterin$ t%e sc%ool* croa1* reali:e t%at 'm cryin$' too' alt%ou$% 'm

don't 1no" ?oyce Kin$,only t%at %e and t"o $uys named >ames and Laurent are t%e local .t%u$s. in 5ort An$eles* (%ate)er* .3ea%'. ?ose mutters* . $uess t%ey're %ere sellin$ "eed or somet%in$* Any"ay4. &%e loo1s at me a$ain* . t%in1 it'll "or1 out once you')e sat do"n "it% Cullen and e9plained e)eryt%in$* 'm 2ust sorry-. .&top apolo$i:in$'. si$%* .(%at you did "as fuc1ed' but you're supposed

to be able to tell your boyfriend t%in$s in confidence, $et it*.

#o be %onest' 'm 2ust "orried sic1 t%at 8d"ard isn't $oin$ to be%a)e li1e a $ro"n-up once ')e e9plained e)eryt%in$* can't t%in1 about t%e future ri$%t no"' 'cause today "ill play out yet* don't e)en 1no" %o"

Chapter song 0ate *e by 'lue .ctober BPOV (%en t%e bell rin$s' ?ose' C%arlotte' and ma1e our "ay inside t%e

sc%ool a$ain* &1ippin$ one class e)ery no" and t%en, don't care4but to s1ip "%en you're 2ust $oin$ to sit around doin$ not%in$4on sc%ool $rounds4yea%' t%at doesn't really ma1e sense* 5lus' no"' and need to pay attention to 1eep t%e C %a)e* %a)e 8n$lis% Lit

.#al1 to Cullen later' all ri$%t/. ?ose says softly' s0uee:in$ my arm $ently* .And 'm so sorry for tellin$ 8mmett-. .8nou$% "it% t%e apolo$i:in$'. return "it% a $rimace* ?eally' 1no" s%e

didn't mean any %arm* .<o on* 3ou %a)e 58 no"*. direction of t%e $ym* .(e're fine' ?ose* <o*. (it% a si$% and a sad smile' s%e lea)es us*

2er1 my c%in in t%e

C%arlotte soon follo"s' 'cause s%e %as c%em* .Call me later' %un/. nod* .&ee ya*.

At t%is point' But

%a)e no idea t%at

"on't see ?ose a$ain for a lon$ time*

"ill see C%arlotte )ery soon* bump

&tudents are cro"din$ t%e %all"ays after lea)in$ t%eir classes' and into a fe" on t%e "ay to my loc1er* t's not until reac% t%e %all "%ere %a)e my loc1er t%at

reali:e t%at

e)eryone %as $one silent* stare at se)eral faces' confused' and once t%ey notice 'm t%ere' t%ey're 0uic1 to loo1 a"ay and "%isper* n my old sc%ool in 5%oeni9' $ossip died fast* Here/ Not so muc%* t%ey're still $ossipin$ about 8d"ard's outburst in t%e cafeteria* .+%' my <od' do you $uys %ear t%at/. someone $asps* Automatically' (%ic% is "%en train my ears and listen for anyt%in$* %ear moanin$* $uess

.&%it' is t%at 7rs* (illiams/. anot%er $irl $i$$les' and many of us turn to t%e door t%at leads to t%e faculty loun$e* 'Cause t%e t%in$ is' t%e moanin$ comes from t%e spea1ers in t%e ceilin$* And 7rs* (illiams is t%e lady "%o al"ays bar1s out announcements at For1s Hi$%* &o4 can't %elp but "onder if s%e's scre"in$ some old man and %as for$otten to turn off t%e mic* Hey' maybe s%e's sittin$ on t%e button* almost crac1 a smile* But t%en catc% somet%in$ on t%e "all ne9t to me*

t's "ritten in all caps "it% a blac1 mar1er* (ANNA KN+( (H+ &AB8LLA &(AN ?8ALL3 &/

fro"n and i$nore t%e dread creepin$ up my spine* #%e moanin$ $ets louder' and4o%' <od* t's me* +n t%e spea1ers,it's me* And 8d"ard* .Fuck, 'ella/suck me harder;damn/you're so good.) s"allo" t%ic1ly' feelin$ eyes on me* . hat's it, inks/so deep.) )a$uely re$ister t%e teac%ers "%o are runnin$ to"ard t%e faculty loun$e* At t%e same time' see more "ritin$ on t%e "alls*

A (H+?8 N 5H+8N J' A (H+?8 N F+?K& &H8 < V8& # #+ 8V8?3+N8 #%e blood lea)es my face and my 1nees almost $i)e out* .Fuck me, Edward4) 7ore moans ec%oin$ in t%e %alls,moans from t%e times 8d"ard's recorded us* )0arder4 .h, #od4) Hit by nausea' co)er my mout% "it% my %and* 1no" come

-ot again. -ot again. -ot again. (%ispers and cac1les surround me as 7ore "ritin$* >6&# D+N'# #?6&# H8?; +NC8 3+6 &#+5 F6CK N< H8?' some%o" reac% my loc1er*

&H8 ( LL FAK8 A 5?8<NANC3 . don't care;. a $ro"n-up yells,maybe a teac%er* .Kic1 t%at door open;. 7ore moans and $roans* feel di::y and slo"* t's surreal* .+%' you $uys "eren't in t%e cafeteria earlier/. pre$$o "it% %is 1id*. .Bella/. someone lau$%s be%ind me* 'm still starin$ at my loc1er* n disbelief* +r rat%er' don't want to belie)e* don't "ant t%is to %appen to me once a$ain* .Hey' if Cullen doesn't "ant you' 'm %ere* Hell' t%ere's probably a line formin$ ri$%t no";. 7ore lau$%s* 7y bottom lip 0ui)ers' and &lo"ly turnin$ around' can feel my face crumble* %ear >essica &tanley

$i$$le* .Cullen didn't "ant Bella anymore' so t%e bitc% told e)eryone s%e's

see countless students loo1in$ at me*

And 8d"ard's one of t%em* He's smir1in$' and you. .&orry' Bella'. %e c%uc1les' t%at coc1y smir1 still on %is face* . $uess 'm not as $ullible as t%e teac%er you fuc1ed bac1 in 5%oeni9* 3ou 1no"' t%e teac%er "%o %ad to 0uit %is 2ob/. s"allo"' reali:in$ t%at it's not "or1in$* 7y t%roat 1eeps closin$ up* .+% my $os%' you fuc1ed your teac%er/. >essica cac1les* .7r* Cullen and 7s* &"an,my office;. 5rincipal Banner s%outs 2ust as t%e moanin$ stops* can practically read %is mind* I told you I'd destroy

8d"ard spea1s up a$ain' $lare intact* .3ou're nothing' &"an*. s%a1e my %ead slo"ly' my eyes still $lued to 8d"ard's* #%ere's somet%in$ in %is eyes' somet%in$ ra"4somet%in$ forced* underestimated %im* 'Cause4ri$%t no"4 Consider me destroyed, Cullen. +ne traitorous tear spills o)er as ta1e a step for"ard* 7y s%a1in$ %ands too1 four* slam do"n t%e didn't ta1e %is t%reats seriously* s%ould %a)e*

$o for my bac1pac1' and a fe" steps later' 'm standin$ in front of Cullen "it% my pre$nancy test in %and* (ell' one of t%e tests* 5rincipal Banner bar1s out our names once more 2ust as pre$nancy test in 8d"ard's %and* .<o fuc1 yourself'. #%en run* say' my )oice unfortunately crac1in$*

t feels li1e ')e been stabbed e)ery-fuc1in$-"%ere* Li1e ')e been cut so deep' li1e ')e been $utted* EPOV i$nore so muc% as "atc% Bella run a"ay*

i$nore t%e searin$ pain in my c%est' t%e stares from classmates' 5rincipal Banner's orders' t%e ac%e in my ribs' t%e nausea4e)eryt%in$* Banner doesn't %a)e s%it on me, 'm not "orried about t%at* Firstly' t%e security cameras "ill s%o" ?oyce and Laurent' not me* And balls to turn me in* 'm a Cullen' for fuc1's sa1e* But 1no" t%ose t"o %a)e ta1en t%e tapes already* &econdly' no one "ould e)er %a)e t%e %a)e ot%er "orries' can do no"* one of "%om is runnin$ a"ay* Not t%at t%ere's anyt%in$

7ission accomplis%ed* (%en s%e returns to sc%ool tomorro"' s%e "ill be t%e 2o1e* No one "ill trust a "ord s%e says* But t%at's not t%e ri$%t "ord* Because "%en still "orry,or4maybe loo1 do"n and see t%e

pre$nancy test in my palm' it feels li1e 'm dying* !he didn't lie. .<od'. c%o1e out*

&%e's pre$nant* &%e's pregnant/ s it mine' t%ou$%/ Fuc1 t%at* 1no" )ery "ell t%at "e')e only been "it% eac% ot%er since s%e

mo)ed %ere* #"o pin1 lines for a positi)e result* 5ositi)e4yea%' if you "ant a $oddamn 1id* But t%is isn't about "ants* #%is is about "%at could ruin my life more t%an it's already ruined* C%ildren don't belon$ in my family@ t%ey $et s%attered* Besides' 'm too fuc1ed in t%e %ead to embrace t%e "armt% sur$in$ t%rou$% my body a$ain,li1e it did "%en 8mmett told me about Bella's pre$nancy4"%ic% t%at if Dad found out4 No use in $oin$ t%ere* t doesn't ta1e a $enius to 1no" t%at %e'd $o frea1in$ ballistic* But4a baby4 Loo1in$ up a$ain' yell after me* 1eep runnin$* .#in1s;. s%out* pus% open t%e doors and see %er %urryin$ to"ard %er don't e)en 1no" t%at 'm mo)in$ until %ear Banner instantly too1 as a lie* nstead remind myself

car* .Bella' stop;.

For some reason s%e does* &%e turns 2ust as muc% %urt in %er eyes* really bro1e %er* s"allo"*

reac% %er' and t%ere's so

t%in1 %ard* ?eally' my mind races* 5re$nant' s%e's pre$nant* s%e "as on t%e pill li1e most ot%er c%ic1s4but And s%e al"ays bitc%ed "%en lie* !he didn't lie* Bella* #in1s* +%' <od* .(%at do you "ant' Cullen/. s%e cries an$rily* open my mout% to spea1' but close my mout% a$ain* What do I want( No* t's not about "%at of %ere* "ant* t ne)er is* (ell4"%at don't 1no" "%at to say*

t%ou$%t

ne)er fuc1in$ as1ed %er*

%it it ra"* &o4ri$%t' pre$nant* &%e didn't

loo1 do"n at t%e test in my %and' t%en bac1 up to

"ant is to $et out %a)e no"* &o'

"ant and need to $et a"ay from my fat%er' e)en t%ou$% %e "ill need* And "ant* #o lea)e* "as fi)e fuc1in$ years old*

al"ays be a plane ride a"ay* At least it's better t%an "%at t%at's "%at

')e suffered since Don't

deser)e my brea1/

stare do"n at Bella4my #in1s* Na%' not mine* &%e needs to lea)e' too* Do deser)e %er/ Hell no* Can ma1e t%in$s up to %er/ No' ')e ta1en too can't ta1e off into t%e $oddamn muc% from %er* &till' it's not about t%at* too* Fuc1in$ up is "%at family* do* And li1e

sunset and .do ri$%t by %er. and raise some fuc1in$ 1id* 'll fuc1 t%at up' said' c%ildren don't belon$ in my "on't e)er %a)e 1ids* don't want 1ids*

But4 No* No buts* .>esus C%rist*. 7y eyes tear up' but breat%s* ans"er' t%ou$% blin1 t%at s%it a"ay* ta1e deep

loo1 at %er* Dead in t%e eye*

almost "ant %er to $i)e me t%e blurt out' my t%roat s%a1e my %ead and force

1no" s%e "on't* .Abortion'.

closin$ up* Her face falls more* .3ou can't4. out t%e "ords* .3ou %a)e to $et rid of4it*. ')e already made %er t%in1 'm rotten* nside and out* .#%is is "%at you "ant/. s%e breat%es out*

%ate %er@ ')e already s%attered %er*

s"allo"' preparin$ myself for anot%er $rand performance* Her eyes "ell up* And "%en s%e repeats %er 0uestion' clenc% my 2a"* .3es*. Don't. Fucking. Crack. can practically see %er %eart brea1in$* t's gutting* #%e crease on %er fore%ead' t%e one s%o"in$ despair' turns me into a co"ard and a)ert my eyes* 1no" t%at %a)e to ans"er*

.3ou "ant me to4to4. &%e can't e)en say t%e "ord* A sob catc%es in %er t%roat' and t%is is it* #%e pro)erbial nail in t%e coffin* After t%is' t%ere "ill be nothing left* 5us%in$ do"n my self-%atred and nausea' flas% %er a smir1*

. 'll pay for it' of course'.

say' s%ru$$in$* .But4.

c%uc1le* .Did you

really t%in1 'd "ant a baby "it% you' Bella/. Cullen and you're4"ell' you*.

lau$% in %er face* &%e %as

no idea t%at 'm dyin$ on t%e inside* .Be real' for fuc1's sa1e* 'm Edward dip do"n a little and smir1 a$ain* .3ou're nothing' Bella* Fuc1in$ worthless*. 6nable to $et anot%er "ord out,unless my "allet and empty it of cas%* t "ill be enou$% for t%e4t%e abortion* Fuck* 7y insides c%urn painfully* .8d"ard'. s%e "%ispers' and clenc% my teet% to$et%er as s"allo" bile* force myself "ant to t%ro" up, brin$ out

to face %er* #ears stream do"n %er c%ee1s* .What/. e9%ale %ars%ly*

Her last "ords are soft' s%allo"' but t%ey couldn't cut deeper* . %ate you*. (it% t%at said' s%e turns to lea)e* I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. t's suddenly impossible to breat%e* 7y )ision blurs* "atc% %er retreatin$ form until s%e's out of si$%t*

Don't worry, baby. I hate me, too. &uddenly' s%e "al1s bac1 to me' and some pussy* (%ic% am* $rind my teet% pus% do"n a fuc1in$ sob4li1e 'm

.+ne last t%in$'. s%e says t%ic1ly' almost breat%lessly*

to$et%er' so close to a brea1do"n* .Do you 1no" "%o you are/. 7y bro"s furro"* A$ain' %er )oice $oes soft* 8)en %er eyes $o soft' and stare* .3ou're your fat%er,you're Carlisle' 8d"ard*. #%e air lea)e my lun$s* #%en s%e's $one* &%e %ops into %er car and pulls out of t%e par1in$ lot* 7y c%est %ea)es* A stran$led noise slips t%rou$% my lips' and escapin$ me anymore* .Cullen;. suddenly %ear someone s%out be%ind me* need to brea1 somet%in$* t%in1 it's 8mmett' and can't stop t%e emotions from see pity in %er

turn around slo"ly' clenc%in$ my fists at my sides' and "atc% as 8mmett runs o)er* (it% my insides screamin$' "it% t%e bitter taste of loss in my mout%' and "it% %atred directed at t%e "orld ti$%tenin$ my muscles' )ictim come closer* .7ind e9plainin$ "%at's $oin$ on/. %e as1s' reac%in$ me* let my ne9t

Brea1 somet%in$4 &o' brea1 %is face* 7y fist flies out and connects "it% 8mmett's 2a"' and %it' punc%' scream' bully*

don't stop t%ere* .Fi$%t bac1;. you pussy;. $ou're your "ather. $ou're your "ather. $ou're your "ather. .Fuc1'.

scream* But %e doesn't fi$%t bac1* He's on t%e $round'

blood tric1lin$ from %is nose and cut lip' and %e ta1es it all* .Fi$%t bac1'

c%o1e out' fallin$ bac1 on my ass*

%ide my face in my %ands and end up roc1in$ bac1 and fort%,ri$%t t%ere' on t%e $round* For t%e first time in my life' %er life* see it* $et it* see "%y Alice4#in1s' friend4"%y s%e ended

(%at %a)e BPOV

done/

Numbness ta1es o)er a$ain as t's almost a relief* feel empty and drained* As

dri)e to"ard t%e Cullens'*

dri)e on t%e dirt road t%at leads to t%e %ouse'

1no" one t%in$'

t%ou$%* 'm not stayin$* Fuc1 finals' fuc1 $raduation' fuc1 it all*

Killin$ t%e en$ine' "onder "%y

lea)e t%e car and enter t%e %ouse' too dead inside to

see 8sme pacin$ in t%e %all"ay* don't process anyt%in$* don't care*

stop s%ort' but

.Bella;. s%e $asps' "al1in$ o)er to me 0uic1ly* And s%e's %oldin$ up a pre$nancy test* . found t%is in t%e bat%room do"n %ere*. stare at %er blan1ly* $uess for$ot it t%ere/ Not so cle)er' 'd ima$ine' but "%ate)er*

.3ou're pre$nant'. s%e "%impers' face crumblin$* t's t%e first time ')e e)er seen somet%in$ $enuine on %er face* . s4. &%e %iccups and "ipes %er c%ee1s* . s it 8d"ard's/. s%ould probably react* .3es'. mutter flatly*

&%e lets out a sob* .+% <od' no*. almost roll my eyes* #%e only t%in$ "ant to do ri$%t no" is $o upstairs and pac1 my p%oto %a)e t%e debit card Carlisle and 1no" t%ere's about t%ree turn ei$%teen in a

albums and ot%er stuff from 5%oeni9* t%ousand dollars*

8sme $a)e me' "%ic% is for an account "%ere

plan to ta1e it all out* #%en' "%en

fe" mont%s' 'll $et t%e money my parents left me* 'll $et by some "ay* &ome%o"* And t%at t%ou$%t brin$s a little relief into my system* t's small' but feel it in t%e ne9t breat% ta1e* A little li$%ter' a little easier*

.3ou %a)e to $et out of %ere' Bella'. s%e cries' causin$ me to tilt my %ead in curiosity at %er* Her blac1 mascara-induced tears stream do"n %er usually composed face* . f Carlisle finds out4. &%e sniffles and c%o1es up a little* .He "ill ta1e it out on 8d"ard'. s%e "%ispers*

s s%e fuc1in$ "it% me/ .&ince "%en do you care/. as1' still in a flat )oice*

t's li1e somet%in$'s died in me* 8sme's only reaction is to loo1 a"ay' somet%in$ s%e's used to doin$* Al"ays loo1in$ a"ay* .(ell4. minutes*. +nce c%uc1le dryly* .Don't "orry* 'm on my "ay* >ust $i)e me t"enty lea)e %er t%ere and "al1 to"ard t%e stairs* pull out my t%ree suitcases from under t%e bed*

reac% my room'

pac1 in a fren:y* 7y %eart starts poundin$* &"allo"in$ becomes difficult' and it feels li1e 'm on t%e )er$e of a fullblo"n panic attac1* .Not yet'. breat%e out to myself* .Not yet' not yet' not yet*.

<otta $et out' $otta $et out* 7y lun$s feel smaller' my c%est feels %ea)ier* A "a)e of nausea %its me' follo"ed by di::iness* .Not yet'. 1eep c%antin$* .Not yet*.

'll brea1 do"n later* But not yet* f close my eyes t%en open t%em a$ain' "ill all t%is be $one/ don't see'

All t%e times 8d"ard %as told me to close my eyes4to pretend

to rela9' to let %im ta1e o)er' to embrace "%ate)er %i$% ')e been on4

Closin$ your eyes is easy' but t%e reprie)e it brin$s is brief* 3ou can't 1eep loo1in$ a"ay* 3ou can't 1eep pretendin$ fore)er* As fi$%t t%e impendin$ e9plosion inside of me' )a$uely re$ister a

familiar )oice do"nstairs* C%arlotte/ &creamin$/ .I said get the "uck out o" my way, *rs. Cullen4 I know she's up there4 I saw her car4) $ulp' almost s%atterin$ t%e picture frame 'm %oldin$ "it% ne"found in%uman stren$t%* #%rou$% blurry )ision' I'm losing it. No' no' no' no' no' no* %ear someone stompin$ up t%e stairs* try to breat%e* (%ile try' "ords ec%o in my %ead* (ords comin$ from lo)ed ones' "ords see 7om and Dad smilin$ at me in t%e picture*

comin$ from %ated ones* 7om4e)ery day' basically* )I'll always lo%e you, sweetheart.) Dad' from "%en "as little and %e "as teac%in$ me to play po1er* ) hat's

my baby girl4 7enee, honey, c'mere and see what 'ella got4)

Alice' a fe" days before a best "riend, 'ella.) Alec' "%en

found %er dead body* )I'm lucky to ha%e you as

t%ou$%t %e lo)ed me* )We 2ust need to keep this 9uiet "or a

little while longer.) $asp for air' reali:in$ t%at 'm on t%e floor' still clutc%in$ t%e p%oto frame* %ear t%e students at my old sc%ool in 5%oeni9* .$ou dirty "ucking whore4) .*anipulati%e bitch4) .&ying slut4) .Fucking skank4) .0ome wrecker4) And 8d"ard4 #%e boy unfortunately tried to %elp*

&plit fuc1in$ personalities* .$ou mean a lot to me, inks.) .I will destroy you "or what you'%e done.) .$ou mean a lot to me, inks.) .$ou're nothing, 'ella. Fucking worthless.) Not%in$ but a "%ore' ri$%t/ <ullible* A $ullible "%ore*

.Bella;.

%ear someone cry* &ounds li1e C%arlotte* .Honey' come on* try to focus on breat%in$* .Bella'

(a1e up* +%' <od* 'm $onna 1ill t%at son of a bitc%; Can't belie)e "%at Cullen did to you*. &%e s%a1es me' and please "a1e up;. A fe" failed attempts at spea1in$ at least tell C%arlotte t%at 'm a"are of %er presence* .Fuc1'. s%e cries* .Dr* Cullen's at t%e sc%ool for 8d"ard' Bella* He's not %appy* came %ere as soon as %eard t%e rumors of "%at %appened*.

breat%e* <otta $et out* . 4. s"allo"* 'm tremblin$* feel cold* .4need to lea)e* C%arlotte'

need4. +penin$ my eyes slo"ly' see %er nod %er %ead* .Anyt%in$* 'll %elp you*

3ou s%ould')e seen t%e loo1 in Dr* Cullen's eyes "%en %e came to pic1 up t%at piece of s%it*. &%e s%a1es %er %ead* .#%ere's somet%in$ seriously "ron$ "it% t%is family' isn't t%ere/. 6nderstatement* .3ou could say t%at*. stru$$le for a moment' but in t%e end C%arlotte's %elp* .7y car bro1e do"n a$ain'. s%e admits' rollin$ %er eyes* .&o' uncle* He's ri$%t outside* . don't care'. %ope t%at's o1ay*. called my mana$e to stand up a$ain,"it%

croa1' eyein$ my suitcases* . 2ust need to $et out of %ere

before Carlisle and 8d"ard $et bac1*.

&%e nods 0uic1ly' a sli$%tly panic1ed loo1 in %er eyes* .(e s%ould probably %urry' t%en* 5rincipal Banner "as tal1in$ to Dr* Cullen "%en 6ncle >asper pic1ed me up' but t%ey mi$%t $et %ere soon*. &o' "e %urry* (e dra$ my pac1ed suitcases do"n t%e stairs and %ead strai$%t for t%e %all"ay* .Bella'. %ear 8sme say' snifflin$' as s%e comes from t%e 1itc%en* .Here*.

pause "%ile C%arlotte "al1s out t%e door* 'm a little surprised "%en 8sme %ands me a "ad of cas%* .#%ere s%ould be t"o t%ousand'. s%e croa1s* . 'm sorry,t%is is t%e only "ay you*. can %elp still plan on emptyin$ t%e debit card account t%ey $a)e me mont%s raise a bro" at %er@ s%e really stated t%e lo)e my son*.

bac1* #%ey o"e me t%at muc%' for fuc1's sa1e* . doubt Carlisle "ill ma1e an %onest effort to find you*. ob)ious* +f course %e "on't try to find me* 'm 2ust trouble for %im* . 4. &%e lets out a breat%* . 1no" you don't belie)e me' but stare at %er* .3ou're ri$%t* don't belie)e you at all*.

A part of me "ants to punc% %er' slap %er' pull %er %air' brea1 %er bones' 1ill %er* #%at part of me "ants %er to 1no" "%at 8d"ard $oes t%rou$%, has $one t%rou$%4since %e "as fi)e years old* But me* He can $o to %ell* &o can t%is $oda"ful "oman* .Burn in %ell' 8sme'. out t%e door' too* "al1 a"ay* tell %er' and t%en 'm don't* Because if did t%at' it "ould be for 8d"ard's sa1e* And %e doesn't deser)e anyt%in$ from

f 'd stayed' maybe

"ould')e %eard 8d"ard's cries as Carlisle beats t%e

s%it out of %im for ma1in$ a spectacle of t%e Cullen name at sc%ool* 7aybe "ould')e %eard 8d"ard's screams into %is pillo" "%en 8sme tells %im t%at ')e left for $ood* 7aybe fractured 2a"* And "ould')e %eard 8sme startin$ %er car to ta1e 8d"ard to t%e %ospital for a bro1en nose' a punctured lun$' and a "ould')e "itnessed once a$ain %o" Carlisle $ets a"ay by %a)in$ 8d"ard blame %is friends from &eattle* But don't %ear all t%is' because 'm lon$ $one*

Chapter song #etting .%er $ou by he 3sed EPOV December >?st After enterin$ my apartment' s%ru$ out of my 2ac1et* 'm sic1 and tired' bot% literally and fi$urati)ely' %a)in$ suffered a fuc1in$ cold for t"o "ee1s or some s%it li1e t%at* #%en a$ain' 'd ta1e t%e cold any day if didn't %a)e t%e ot%er crap ma1in$ me sic1* Li1e t%e trip %a)e to ma1e to For1s tomorro",a trip ')e dreaded for a mont% no"* 'ecause I really "eel like spending the holidays with *om and Dad. dump t%e mail on t%e %all"ay table and

%a)en't been to For1s since >une FFnd,t%e day after my ei$%teent% birt%day* 7y fol1s %a)e )isited t"ice' but t%ose "ere t%an1fully only 0uic1 )isits* t%ou$%t #urns out' "as $onna feel better by no"* don't* nstead feel "orse*

barely function* eat' sleep' study* #%at's it' and4e)eryt%in$ is a c%ore* 8)en eatin$ and fuc1in$ breathing* 7y body %urts* t feels li1e somet%in$ is eatin$ me from t%e inside' ma1in$ me more rotten and sic1 "it% eac% day t%at passes* And it's all %er4#in1s* No $oodbye' no not%in$* Not t%at 2ust %urts* miss %er* <od' some brunette on campus' and deser)ed it' but4 Fuc1' it sa" fuc1in$ miss %er li1e cra:y* >ust last "ee1' could')e s"orn it "as Bella*

c%ased t%at broad' only to find out it "asn't #in1s at all* (it% a %ea)y si$%' before "al1 to t%e 1itc%en and $rab a Co1e from t%e frid$e

return to $o t%rou$% my mail*

Bills' bills' 2un1' in)itation to a medical seminar' bills' 2un1' and4 A letter* Loo1s personal* fro"n and ta1e a sip from my Co1e as t%ere's no return address* turn o)er t%e en)elope' but

only see t%at it's from #ennessee* open t%e letter4and dra" a

&ettin$ do"n t%e soda on t%e %all"ay table' s%a1y breat% "%en see it's from Bella*

7y %eart starts poundin$ furiously*

@Edward I'm writing this letter "or sel"ish reasons, as I don't want a guilty conscience hanging o%er my head. $ou know those bad mo%ies where a man reunites with his long:lost lo%e a"ter years, only to "ind out the chick's been hiding their child( 'Cause they had se6 on prom night or something e9ually lame( .r maybe you don't know those mo%ies. Whate%er. $ou ha%e a son. A stran$led c%o1in$ sound escapes me' and my %and starts to s%a1e' ma1in$ it difficult to read* .+%' #od4. -athan was born on December ?Ath, a couple weeks early. 0e's a "ighter, a wild little thing. 0ealthy. $ou'll "ind two photos o" him in the en%elope. What you won't "ind is my address, not that I'm sure you'd e%en want it, but you will "ind an email address, howe%er. !o, i" you want to meet your son or ask me 9uestions, you can contact me. hen we'll take it "rom there. +"ter all, you ha%e rights. press my fist to my mout% to pre)ent more noises* sniffle and blin1 bac1 tears* A son,a baby boy* $ou'%e put me in a tough spot, Cullen, 'cause I still wanna rip your "ucking balls o"";no lie, I hate your guts;but you'%e also gi%en me -athan. !o/I named him -athan +nthony;+nthony a"ter you and my dad. 0onestly( $our godparents were better than mine. I 2ust wish yours were still ali%e. 'ut that's neither here nor there.

A traitorous "%imper slips t%ou$%t my lips' re$ardless of t%e fist still pressed ti$%tly to my mout%* And "is% t%e same* Bella's parents,my $odparents,s%ould be ali)e*

But life isn't fair' is it/ I hope you got what you wanted, Edward. .therwise, all the work you put into breaking me was "or nothing. +ll that e""ort/yeah, "or your sake, I hope you're happy. @'ella. 5!B !eriously. Feel no obligations toward -ate. hat comes "rom the bottom o" my heart. (it% tears streamin$ do"n my face' letter into a ball before t%e floor "it% a muted t%ud' let out a scream and crumple t%e

c%uc1 it at t%e door* But as soon as it lands on rus% for it a$ain* #%e p%otos' t%e p%otos'

s%e said t%ere "ere p%otos* .h, #od* 5%otos' p%otos' p%otos* 1neel on t%e floor and frantically smoot% out t%e letter but find it empty* #%ere's not%in$' and t%en it %its me* #%e en)elope' not t%e fuc1in$ letter* &o' scramble o)er to "%ere dropped t%e en)elope and' "it% tremblin$ fin$ers' .Fuc1'. fis% out t"o small p%otos* "%imper pat%etically* #%e first p%oto is of a ne"born baby lyin$ presume it "as ta1en ri$%t after labor' and t%e t%ou$%t

on #in1s' c%est*

,all t%is,it ma1es me cry %arder* &%e's so beautiful,t%ey bot% are* Her %air is a mess' s%e's "earin$ a %ospital $o"n' s%e loo1s so e9%austed, %er eyes are e)en closed,but4t%e soft smile on %er lips4 .C%rist'. breat%e out t%ic1ly*

And t%e baby is so tiny*

can see #in1s' %and on %is little bac1' and %ell'

#in1s %erself is small* &till' %er %and co)ers %is4Nat%an's4bac1* Despair mi9ed "it% relief causes my 1nees to $i)e out' and sittin$ on t%e floor a$ain* !he ne%er had the abortion. !he kept the baby. start sobbin$ for "%at t%re" a"ay* pic1 up t%e second p%oto* end up

After pullin$ myself to$et%er at least a little'

t's 2ust Nat%an in t%is picture' and it's clear t%at t%is is a more recently ta1en p%oto* t's a close-up' ta1en on "%at $uess is a c%an$in$ table' can see t%e and %e's "earin$ a diaper and a tiny blue s%irt* #%ere's a li$%t blue baby cap ne9t to %im' but %e's not "earin$ it' "%ic% is %o" reddis% bro"n %air on %is %ead* #%at sets off anot%er round of uncontrollable cryin$* I ha%e a son. . 'm sorry'. cry into my %ands* tilt my %ead can't as1

sniffle and "ipe my face "it% t%e slee)e on my s%irt' and bac1 a$ainst t%e "all be%ind me' eyes trained on t%e ceilin$*

for stren$t%' because t%at ne)er comes to me* Dad's ri$%t@ 'm "ea1* Al"ays %a)e been* &o' instead of4 don't 1no"4doin$ somet%in$ $ood' maybe' find myself fillin$ up "it% ra$e and blind %ate* t's all directed at my parents* #%ey fuc1ed me up* t's t%eir fault* Blamin$ someone else is al"ays easier*

And

snap,before

$o online to resc%edule my fli$%t*

can't "ait 'til

tomorro" ni$%t*

%a)e to $o no"*

%a)e to4 %a)e to4 %a)e to $et some s%it off my c%est* t's lon$ o)erdue* Appro9imately t%ree %ours later' to (as%in$ton* board t%e fli$%t t%at "ill ta1e me bac1

Chapter song 'ad Father, 'ad !on by Con 'en,o 4'ad "ather gets bad son/ 4&i"e takes lo%e 'reaks almost e%eryone/ 48ill all the 2oy I'm sorry, but I was 2ust a boy/ 4*y "ace in a smirk 'Cause li"e is a 2oke/ 40ope I get "ree some day/

EPOV As "al1 t%rou$% &ea-#ac,to"ard t%e car rental counter,"it% my

lu$$a$e in %and' t"enty-four %ours before 'm supposed to be %ere' bad luc1 is e)idently on my side* .Cullen;. &ee/ Bad luc1* &i$%in$' turn around only to come face-to-face "it% 8mmett* And

?osalie* Correction: a $larin$ ?osalie* But 'm used to t%at* After #in1s left For1s' ?osalie and C%arlotte %ad to be restrained by t%eir boyfriends because t%ey "anted to c%ar$e at me* ?idiculous* (%ate)er* .8mmett'. $reet "it% a c%in-nod and bump my fist to %is*

He $rins* .3ou $oin$ %ome for t%e %olidays' too' %u%/. .3ea%* %ope to catc% t%e last ferry4. trail off' ea$er to $et a"ay* Not $uess* He's al"ays been

t%at 8mmett's not cool@ "e're still friends' t%ere* Hu$e as a beast' docile as a 1itten*

. 2ust pic1ed up ?ose'. %e says* . %a)e a car4. He $i)es me a pointed loo1* .(%at do you say/ t's been a "%ile' man*. don't need to loo1 at ?ose to 1no" t%at 'm not "elcome in t%e car' but fuc1 %er* .&ure'. a$ree* =C38=

8mmett fills t%e silence in t%e car "it% mindless c%atter about For1s' and it almost upsets me to see t%at %e's o)er t%e moon to %a)e ?osalie close a$ain* 'Cause it's clear t%at ?osalie lo)es California* &%e doesn't say muc%' but "%en s%e mentioned %er roommates earlier' s%e "as sportin$ t%is s%it-eatin$ $rin* 'm content not to spea1* nstead fly by* don't close my eyes* %a)en't been able to close my fuc1in$ eyes in mont%s* (ell' sleep only comes "%en t%em' see #in1s* pieces* And Nat%an' too* -athan* si$%' but it doesn't brin$ relief to t%e "ei$%t on my c%est* No deep breat%s' no si$%s' no screams brin$ relief* .Heard anyt%in$ from Bella/. clenc% my 2a"' 1no"in$ t%at t%ou$% ?osalie as1ed 8mmett t%e 0uestion' s%e did it because 'm %ere* .6%4no'. 8mmett stammers* .(%y "ould /. Valid 0uestion* .7aybe C%arlotte %as/. ?osalie si$%s* . called %er last "ee1 in #e9as' but s%e said s%e doesn't 1no" "%ere Bella is*. s"allo" t%e lump in my t%roat' ball my %ands into fists* blin1 a"ay t%e stin$in$ in my eyes' see %er eyes' t%e loo1 s%e %ad after %a)e' but close 2ust sit in t%e bac1 and "atc% t%e trees

can't fi$%t it anymore* Because "%ene)er closed t%em ri$%t no"' 'd see

crus%ed %er to

1no"4 1no" t%at if

.3ou' u%4. 8mmett a$ain' t%is time in a 0uiet )oice' as if

can't %ear %im'

as if 'm not sittin$ in t%e bac1seat* .3ou t%in1 s%e %as a baby no"/. Fuck. t feels li1e t%e t"o p%otos tuc1ed in my "allet catc% on fire* . don't 1no"'. ?osalie ans"ers t%ou$%tfully* .But 'd li1e to t%in1 so* can't see %er $oin$ t%rou$% "it% an abortion*. 7y 1nee starts bouncin$* t feels li1e 'm a time bomb "aitin$ to e9plode* . "is% s%e %adn't cut me out of %er life'. s%e "%ispers ne9t' sadness in %er )oice* . mean4 $et it' do,s%e "anted to $et a"ay from e)eryt%in$' start fres%' but4 don't 1no"*. (it% tremblin$ fin$ers' pull out my "allet t%en t%e p%oto of Nat%an 1eep it %idden be%ind ?osalie's seat' do' e)en t%ou$% spent t%e entire fli$%t starin$ at

"%ere %e's on t%e c%an$in$ table*

ma1in$ sure t%at 'm t%e only one "%o can see it' and it's almost completely dar1 in t%e car*

t%e t"o p%otos* #%ey're practically burned into my memory* 7y breat%s are s%a1y and irre$ular* 7y 1nee 1eeps bouncin$* 7y eyes stin$* trace t%e lines of Nat%an's pouty little mout%* 7y t%umb brus%es o)er %is tummy* $ulp and s"allo" %ard* No relief comes* 7y c%est %urts* 7y can feel it beadin$ on my fore%ead' too* "ant to rub my c%est "it% my fist' %opin$ to "ant to see #in1s' $oodness in t%em* %ands brea1 out in a cold s"eat* "ant to see %is eyes* ma1e sure %e's not li1e me* Fuck*

calm do"n* t doesn't "or1* t doesn't "or1* Not%in$ e)er "or1s*

.Cullen' you o1ay/. 8mmett eyes me in t%e rear)ie" mirror* .3ou loo14 don't 1no"*. $rimace and loo1 out t%e "indo" a$ain* . 'm fine*. #%e rest of t%e ride is 0uiet' t%an1fully* But my mind isn't* 8)ery fiber of me is screamin$ and protestin$* "ant ans"ers from my parents' but ')e ne)er been bra)e enou$% to actually demand t%em* bro1en bones* "ant to 1no" "%at ')e done to deser)e all t%ose "ant to 1no" "%y my o"n mot%er ne)er stood up for me* also "ant

mean4 1no" 'm not%in$ but a sac1 of shit' but aren't mot%ers obli$ated to lo)e you/ #o protect you/ #o ma1e you feel safe/ to 1no" "%at "as fi)e* did to tri$$er Dad's first fist to my face* He ne)er laid a

%and on me in Ari:ona* t started "%en "e mo)ed to (as%in$ton,"%en remember it so )i)idly' Dad comin$ %ome from %is first day at %is ne" 2ob' and %e "as 2ust li)id* &uddenly' e)eryt%in$ mama's boy* .Cullen*. 8mmett's )oice startles me* Deep breat%s* C%rist* .(e're %ere*. loo1 out t%e "indo"' seein$ my fol1s' dri)e"ay* ?i$%t* (e're %ere* Fuc1* 7y pulse 0uic1ens* And bolt out t%e door' barely mutterin$ a t%an1s for t%e ride* loo1 bac1 on t%is' my 0uic1 escape most li1ely sa)ed my for$et my lu$$a$e in t%e trun1' and it "ill $i)e 8mmett a did "as "ron$* "as a little pussy' a "ea1lin$' a

Later' "%en life* Because

reason to come bac1 in t%e mornin$' 2ust in time to call GKK*

But

don't 1no" t%at ri$%t no"* enter' and after a brief loo1 outside' see t%at

#%e %ouse is silent "%en 7om's car isn't %ere*

$uess s%e's $rocery s%oppin$- No' t%at can't be it* t's almost midni$%t' for fuc1's sa1e* No" 'm lost* (%at do (%at am Am do/ really doin$ %ere/

bra)e enou$%/ %ead up

?esi$ned to "ait 'til tomorro" to do4"%ate)er 'm $oin$ to do' t%e stairs* But pause on t%e second floor "%en %ear Dad in %is office*

&%outin$* #%e familiar dread creeps up my spine' causin$ me to $o ri$id* . hirteen "ucking years, &iam4) %ear %im s%out an$rily* )I told you "rom

the beginning, and nothing has changed4 $ou ha%e to wait4) fro"n* t's been a "%ile since also a doctor' and sa" Liam' one of Dad's friends in &eattle* He's "as little and "e

1no" t%ey "or1ed to$et%er "%en

"ere ne" in (as%in$ton* .$ou will do no such thing4 $ou will keep 9uiet4 $ou will not ruin e%erything I'%e created4)

stand fro:en in place' only %a)in$ %eard Dad t%is pissed "%en 'm on t%e recei)in$ end* But "%en %ear t%e p%one slam into a "all4or maybe a$ainst t%e floor4 %aul ass* Not upstairs* run do"n instead,"it% my

instinct 1ic1s in and ta1e it out on me* A fe" moments later' .Fuc1' 'm a pussy'. %ide*

%eart stuc1 in my t%roat* He's definitely in a bad mood' and %e lo)es to

find a %idin$ spot in t%e $ara$e* 'll 2ust "ait %ere* pant* 'm actually %idin$* 0iding* +nly "ea1lin$s

#%e $ara$e is free:in$ cold' but All ni$%t* stare at t%e p%otos a$ain* %a)e to pus% bac1 sobs "%en t%e pictures %as been bent*

stay t%ere*

see t%at t%e bottom left corner of one of

try to smoot% it out' but it doesn't "or1; . 'm sorry'. "%imper* . 'm so fuc1in$ sorry*. snap

n a desperate attempt to ma1e sure 'll al"ays %a)e t%e p%otos' off a fe" s%ots of t%em "it% my p%one* =C38= (%en %ear 7om's car pull in' it's almost se)en in t%e mornin$* still see %er as s%e $ets out of %er &6V*

stay %idden' but

also see t%e yello"in$ bruise under %er eye*

#uess Dad "ound a new punching bag( s%ould probably feel somet%in$* +nything* Hatred' 2ustification' remorse' pity' an$er' ra$e' sadness4 #%ere's not%in$* t%e $ara$e* What am I waiting "or( don't 1no"* do 1no" t%at 'm $ood at co"erin$ in a corner* #%at can't $o on' t%ou$%* 'm so sic1 of t%is* 'm so tired* And confused* don't 1no" "%at to do' but4 "earin$ me do"n' and t feels li1e4 Do or die. don't "ant to die* "ant a life* "ant a second c%ance* +r a first* (%ate)er* Not t%at want* "ant to $ro" up* "ant to be free* Free from my parents' free from t%e s%it inside of me* 'm sic1 of t%e lies* t's 1no" t%at can't %old it in any lon$er* 2ust "atc% as s%e ta1es a ba$ from t%e car and lea)es

%a)e any clue about %o" 'll ac%ie)e anyt%in$' but aren't t%ere could, could $o to a fuc1in$ s%rin1 or can $o in t%ere don't fuc1in$ 1no"* But t%is ends no"* 4 need to can tell t%em it's o)er* ?i$%t/

mind-fuc1ers for t%at/ 3ea%* somet%in$* 7aybe* man up* Deep breaths*

and say t%at 'm out,t%at 'm ne)er comin$ bac1* No* <oddammit* couldn't do it "%en #in1s be$$ed me' %o" am 'm all alone/ C%rist' $onna do it no","%en ruined %er* And no" 'm t%in1in$ s%e's ri$%t/

rub my cold %ands o)er my face and roll my s%oulders* 7y bac1 is 1illin$ me* A failure' t%at's "%at up' am* t's "%at ')e %eard all my life* But4$ro"in$ "as* 7y friends

ob)iously sa" t%at ot%er 1ids "eren't treated li1e

"eren't afraid of $oin$ %ome* #%ey're still not* 6nli1e me' t%ey loo1 for"ard to $oin$ %ome and celebratin$ t%e %olidays "it% t%eir families* And in sc%ool4 don't 1no" %o" many times ')e %eard t%at )iolence is "ron$* &o' "%y %as my dad beaten me/ (%at %a)e t%at/ !hit, I'm 2ust all o%er the place. breat%e* t's still %ea)y* No relief* (%at do "ant/ done to deser)e

"ant ans"ers* "ant to 1ill my o"n parents* "ant Dad to %it 7om "%ile 2ust "atc% and let it %appen* "ant to

torture Dad and lau$% in %is face* .$ou're your "ather;you're Carlisle, Edward.) .$ou're your "ather;you're Carlisle, Edward.) .$ou're your "ather;you're Carlisle, Edward.) s"allo" but find it impossible* A stran$led sound slips t%rou$% my lips' and my )ision becomes blurry* #in1s is ri$%t* 'm no better t%an Dad* &uddenly' it's almost impossible to breat%e at all*

f ')e turned into t%e person deser)e $ood s%it in my life/ $ou can "ight to be better. "%ee:e out a breat%* don't 1no" how to be better* And t%at's my parents' fault*

loat%e more t%an anyone' %o" can

e)er

?a$e fills me a$ain* ?a$e is $ood* ?a$e'

1no"* ?a$e'

can deal "it%*

lea)e t%e $ara$e' fists clenc%in$ at my sides* 6p t%e steps' into t%e %ouse' to"ard noises' to"ard t%e 1itc%en* #%ere's 7om* Fres%ly s%o"ered "it% ma1eup co)erin$ %er bruises* s"allo"* Ho" many of t%ose bruises %a)e %ad/

Ho" many times %as Dad punc%ed me in t%e face/ .Did it %urt/. blurt out*

&%e yelps and clutc%es %er c%est' loo1in$ scared s%itless as s%e spins around to face me* .8d"ard;. s%e $asps* .3ou're,you're %ome early*. $rit my teet% and "al1 to"ard %er slo"ly* .Did it %urt' 7om/. "%en %e beat you/. Her eyes flic1 around t%e 1itc%en' almost as if s%e's loo1in$ for an escape* +m I scaring her( as1

0uietly* #%ere's not%in$ $ood in me anymore* t's all rotten* .Did it %urt

.Ans"er me;.

seet%e* &tandin$ before %er'

to"er o)er %er muc%

smaller frame' t%e dis$ust and %atred festerin$ inside of me* .(%at did you do to deser)e it/. loo1 around' spottin$ t%e brea1fast s%e's about to also see t%e lit candles in t%e prepare* #%e 1itc%en table by t%e "indo"s is already full of delicacies@ only t%e fanciest stuff for us Cullens* "indo"s' perfectly framed by ne"' C%ristmassy red drapes* C%ristmas decorations littered all o)er t%e place' creatin$ an illusion of a "arm and %appy %ome4 memories* see t%e paper cut-outs made "%en "as a 1id* made t%ose/. &no"men' &antas' an$els4 &%it li1e t%at s%ould probably brin$ bac1 nice loo1 bac1 at 7om* .Do you remember "%en point to t%e decorations ne9t to t%e candles* .Do you remember "%at Dad said "%en %e sa" t%em/. #%ey "ere too $irly* and $litter $lue* #%at C%ristmas' to "ear a slin$* "as se)en years old* .&o' "%at did you do' 7om/. as1 a$ain' i$norin$ t%e tears streamin$ found out for t%e first time %o" annoyin$ it is as a c%ild "as a fuc1in$ pussy for ma1in$ an$els "it% paper

do"n %er face* .(%y did %e %it you/ 3ou must')e done something*. 7y p%one )ibrates in my poc1et' but i$nore it' not $i)in$ a fuc1* follo"* . fell*.

. 4 4. &%e $ulps and ta1es a step bac1* stare at %er' incredulous* #%at's not e)en a little belie)able* .3ou %a)e to do better t%an t%at'.

ts1* .A "ord of ad)ice* 7a1e up fa1e $rin "idely* t's li1e

friends and tell e)eryone t%at you fi$%t t%em*.

don't %a)e any control o)er my o"n body* An out-of-body e9perience* . t

"or1ed for me*. did for years;.

nod* And t%en scream*

e9plode "it%out "arnin$* .#%at's "%at

&%e flinc%es and lets out a pitiful sob* f Dad "asn't up yet' %e s%ould be no"* .3ou "ouldn't "ant t%e $ood people of For1s to find out t%at your %usband abuses you' "ould you/. ot%ers t%in1*. (%en mean it* Had tilt my %ead and study %er* .#%at's "%y "e 1eep 0uiet' you 1no"* #%e bot% of us,"e care too muc% about "%at say t%at 'm a pussy' 'm not fuc1in$ around* "ouldn't be %ere no"* Dad don't fuc1in$ 1no"* . 'm feel cra:ed* . f you only reac%ed out for %elp'

"ould probably be be%ind bars' and 7om4"ell' fuc1ed-up because of you*. "ere a $ood mot%er' if Dad "as a $ood fat%er4. 7aybe "ould be "it% #in1s and Nat%an no"*

tap my temple and nod*

+r maybe Nat%an "ouldn't e9ist4 .h, "uck. #od, no. pus% t%at t%ou$%t aside* And t%en it's as if e)eryt%in$ %appens in slo" motion* %orror on 7om's face' see t%e loo1 of land on t%e

%ear t%e $asp escapin$ %er mout%' and 'm t%en

forcefully yan1ed bac1"ard by a painful $rip on my nec1*

floor' pain s%ootin$ its "ay t%rou$% me* t lea)es me $aspin$ for air' and t%e %urt is so $reat t%at 'm momentarily immobili:ed and confused* But "%en mana$e to open my eyes' see Dad %o)erin$ o)er me' dar1 circles under %is murderous eyes* .Carlisle;. %ear 7om scream*

#%e blo"s come before

can ta1e a breat%' and "%at seemed li1e slo" ne)er $et

motion earlier is no" t%e opposite* He %its me repeatedly' and my mout%' my nose,%e punc%es me e)ery"%ere* .3ou're ruinin$ e)eryt%in$;. %e s%outs' soundin$ animalistic* ribca$e* .Bac1 t%e fuc1 off' 8sme;.

t%e opportunity to eit%er defend myself or stri1e bac1* 7y 2a"' my eyes'

$ulp for air'

but t%e breat% $ets stuc1 in my t%roat "%en %e plants %is foot to my try to curl into a fetal position' but Dad is relentless* 5ressin$ %is 1nee do"n on my c%est' %e 1eeps me pinned to t%e floor* .3ou're supposed to s%ut t%at fuc1in$ mout% of yours;. %e practically growls t%rou$% %ea)in$ pants* .Fi$%t bac1' you pussy; Fi$%t bac1; &%o" me t%at you're a man' 8d"ard;. Blood tric1les do"n from cuts all o)er my face* 7y nose is bro1en@ it's bleedin$' too* (it% t%e ne9t blo" to my face' %is last "ords be$in to $o on a loop in my %ead* .Fight back, you pussy4 Fight back4 !how me that you're a man, Edward4) remember screamin$ similar "ords to 8mmett se)eral mont%s a$o* He didn't fi$%t bac1* He too1 e)ery punc% deli)ered*

.Fight back, you pussy4 Fight back4 !how me that you're a man, Edward4) 8)eryt%in$ cras%es do"n on me,t%e past year's e)ents,%ell4my entire fuc1in$ life* ')e ta1en eac% punc%' only to pus% do"n an outsider in order to feel stron$* .Fight back, you pussy4 Fight back4 !how me that you're a man, Edward4) don't 1no" "%ere my stren$t% comes from' but for t%e first time in my life' mana$e to $et a"ay from %is fists* #a1in$ s%a1y breat%s and

i$norin$ t%e pain radiatin$ t%rou$% my body' my monster of a dad* He's "earin$ t%at smir1*

$et up on t"o feet and face

And %e %as %is bac1 to 7om' "%ic% is "%y %e doesn't see "%en s%e c%ar$es at %im* &%e only $i)es a "ea1 punc% to %is side, almost "ant to c%uc1le,but it's enou$% for %im to falter for a second* And it's my c%ance* t's my c%ance to let my o"n fists spea1* &o' "ait' bac1* don't re$ister t%e insistent )ibratin$ of my p%one* don't re$ister my mom's feeble attempts at pullin$ me off Dad* (%at do re$ister is Dad's cra:y lau$%ter* ma1e %im bleed* don't %esitate* scream' curse' %it' slam into %im' and 1ic1' pull' t"ist' finally %it don't

fuc1in$ sob* #%irteen years of ta1in$ %is s%it for no reason'

He lau$%s as

He's fuc1in$ deranged* .&top it' 8d"ard;. 7om sobs in t%e bac1$round* +nly' it's not really in t%e bac1$round* &%e's tryin$ to stop me' and it ma1es me snap4as if already lost it* (it%out $i)in$ my ne9t mo)e a sin$le t%ou$%t' stren$t% to s%o)e %er a"ay from me* table be%ind us' but 'm too $one to care* Dad c%o1es on blood* don't stop* 'm %i$% on adrenaline* t's not until smell smo1e t%at my ac%in$ arms fall to my sides* %adn't use all my

%ear %er cras%in$ into t%e 1itc%en

loo1 o)er my s%oulder' paraly:in$ fear "as%in$ o)er me as on t%e floor under t%e 1itc%en table* n a puddle of blood* 7y stomac% rolls*

spot 7om

see t%e ed$e of t%e 1itc%en table4 see t%e splatter of blood "%ere s%e must')e %it4 7y eyes land on %er still form a$ain@ %ead* A s%allo" breat%* .+%' <od4. And t%e smo1e4t%e candles4C%ristmas decorations4drapes cau$%t on fire4 'm suddenly mo)in$ a$ain' but not by my o"n force* t's Dad a$ain* Did I 2ust kill my own/( "ant to scream' cry' be$* can't do s%it* try' "ant to cra"l o)er and see if s%e's o1ay' but $a$* taste blood* smell fire* $ro" see t%at t%e blood is pooled by %er

stru$$le' but 'm completely crippled by fear'

de)astation' and pain* Confusion* and

"ea1er and "ea1er* #%e commotion is too muc% for my brain to process' $o bac1 to "%at ')e done for t%e past t%irteen years, ta1e "%at Dad $i)es me* .&ee "%at you')e done' 8d"ard;. Dad screams* 7y %ead lolls from side to side on t%e floor as %e stri1es o)er and o)er a$ain* .3ou')e 1illed your o"n mot%er;.

.No one 1no"s %o" to s%ut up;. .3ou're all "ea1;. .8)eryt%in$ is ruined;. t feels li1e my life seeps out of me* 8yes already s"ollen s%ut' $i)e up* am*

7y last t%ou$%t is only about %o" sorry Dar1ness ta1es o)er' and

ne)er see 8mmett comin$ to t%e rescue*

Chapter song he 'ully by !ia BPOV 3anuary ?/ >/ D/ E years later .Bella' stop loo1in$ at me li1e t%at;. >a:: lau$%s "it% %is mout% full*

s%a1e my %ead' dis$ust e)ident in my e9pression' and "atc% as %e stuffs %is face "it% "%ate)er +li)ia $i)es %im* 'm definitely amused' and Nate and +li)ia can't stop $i$$lin$* At t%e a$e of one' 7adison is more s0uealin$ t%an $i$$lin$* .Loo1' 7ommy;. Nat%an $i$$les' $reen eyes full of mirt%* . 'm loo1in$' baby*. c%uc1le be%ind my %and as +li)ia pus%es a for1 of

mas%ed banana into >asper's mout%' "%ic% "ouldn't %a)e been so bad %ad %is mout% not already been full of potato c%ips and $rapes* .<od' t%at's $ross' >a::*. But t%is is >asper "e're tal1in$ about* He's a clo"n' and %e li)es for c%ildren's lau$%ter* t doesn't matter "%ose 1id it is* He "ants smiles on people's faces and $oes to e9treme len$t%s sometimes to $et %is "is%* #%is time it's %is o"n dau$%ters and my son* .Daddy' t%is also'. +li)ia says seriously' %oldin$ up a %andful of $ummy bears* Little +li)ia turns t%ree today' so t%e "ide coffee table %ere in t%e common room at (%itloc1 House is pac1ed "it% candy' ice cream' c%ips' sodas' and coo1ies* (it% some snea1iness' >asper's "ife and to put some fruit on t%e table' too* .Bella;. do"n' %ear a little )oice call' and t%en feel a tu$ on my le$* Loo1in$ mana$ed

see #%ea,a $irl "%o li)es %ere "it% %er mot%er* say' pic1in$ %er up* &%e's t%ree years old' too' but )ery

.Hey' s"eetie'.

small for %er a$e* (%en >a:: opened t%e t%ird (%itloc1 House si9 mont%s a$o,t%is one in Alas1a' "%ere "e li)e no",#%ea and %er mot%er "ere t%e t"o first "%o mo)ed in* #%ea "as malnouris%ed and rarely said a "ord' and Heidi' %er mot%er' "as se)erely beaten up* #%ey "ere bot% on t%e run from Heidi's abusi)e %usband* .(%at'c%a $ot t%ere/. as1' tic1lin$

%er tummy* &%e $i$$les and s0uirms in my arms as c%ee1 a noisy 1iss* .(%ere's 7ommy/.

po1e at t%e ice $i)e %er

cream stains on %er s%irt* .Are you sa)in$ t%at for later' %mm/.

Heidi and #%ea are lea)in$ ne9t "ee1* #%ey're ready to stand on t%eir o"n feet' and Heidi is e9cited to mo)e into %er o"n apartment in >uneau* Before s%e $ot married to t%at bastard "%o beat %er' s%e li)ed "it% %er parents* &o' t%is is really %er first )ery o"n apartment* 'm %appy for %er* . n our room,s%e's pac1in$ lots of ba$s'. s%e says' and t%en s%e "ants do"n a$ain* .>a::' "ants to feed you' too;.

si$% %appily and ta1e a seat on t%e couc%' content to "atc% t%e 1ids force-feedin$ >asper "it% su$ary foods* 7o)in$ %ere "as t%e best decision e)er* (%en >asper told me t%at %e "anted to open anot%er (%itloc1 House' Alas1a "as my idea' and %e as1ed me if "anted to run it* &afe to say' did' and it's "%at do today* (%at "e didn't e9pect "as t%at >asper "ould fall in lo)e "it% t%is place' but %e did' so %e li)es %ere' too* (it% %is "ife and t"o dau$%ters* >ada is a nurse %ere in Anc%ora$e no"' and s%e lo)es Alas1a 2ust as muc% as >a:: does* &ame $oes for t%eir dau$%ters,+li)ia and 7adison* +f course' >asper tra)els a lot* Bet"een t%e (%itloc1 Houses in 7emp%is' &an Die$o' and Anc%ora$e' %e's a busy man* He also $oes to medical seminars and arran$es benefits often' and %e does lectures at uni)ersities across t%e country' too* 3et' %e still mana$es to ma1e e)eryone %appy* #%at day' "%en C%arlotte came for me in For1s' >asper didn't %esitate to brin$ me to 7emp%is* too' ob)iously' "%ic% t%en4<od' opened up to %im and >ada' %is $irlfriend at t%at %a)en't 0uit to t%is day' but don't $o as often* suffered from time' and t%ey $a)e me a %ome* #%ey also $a)e me a family* #%erapy' +ne )isit a mont% no" %elps me to 1eep my %ead strai$%t' but bac1 "as a mess* didn't 1no" left from ri$%t' and

an9iety and ni$%tmares for mont%s before point*

started $ettin$ better*

Actually' it "as Nat%an "%o set t%in$s in motion* His birt% "as my turnin$

started fi$%tin$ for %is sa1e' and "%en it came to t%at point' fi$%tin$ for my o"n sa1e' too* or anyt%in$' but maybe mo)ed for"ard* "ill some day* ?e$ardless of "%at

started

%a)en't $one to colle$e do' 'm not ta1e do today' so if

ta1in$ anot%er 2ob* >asper trained me to do "%at ')e done,sc%ool-"ise,since and >ada insisted on it*

t%e ne9t step one day' 'll probably study psyc%olo$y* Hell' t%e only t%in$ left For1s "as to $et my <8D* Bot% >a::

.7ommy;. Nate's )oice brin$s me bac1 to t%e present' and startled lau$% as %e runs into my side* Had

let out a

not been sittin$ do"n'

"ould')e fallen o)er* 7y little $uy %as serious stren$t% in %im* .(%at's up' baby/. as1' rufflin$ %is %air a little* .+%' for t%e lo)e of4.

c%uc1le and see %o" messy %e is* 'm "illin$ to bet %e's $ot more ice cream and c%ocolate sauce on %im t%an in %is belly* .3ou are so ta1in$ a bat% as soon as "e $et %ome*. Nate and li)e a fe" bloc1s o)er in a t"o-bedroom apartment* >asper and

>ada li)e anot%er fe" bloc1s a"ay' but in a %ouse* Ho"e)er' "e spend most of our time %ere at (%itloc1 House* ?i$%t no"' nine "omen and se)en c%ildren call t%is %ouse %ome' and aside from me' "e %a)e fi)e employees "or1in$ %ere* &omeone is al"ays %ere and security is ti$%t* #%e ma2ority of t%e "omen "%o see1 %elp aren't locals@ t%ey come %ere because it's so far a"ay "%om t%ey're escapin$* Distance ma1es t%em feel safer* . too1 a bat% yes'day*. Nate tilts %is %ead and pouts' loo1in$ so fuc1in$ cute t%at could 2ust eat %im* t's a face ')e seen countless times' and did spend a lot of "as little' after all* not 2ust on my son* He's a carbon copy of %is dad' and time "it% 8d"ard "%en

i$nore t%e pan$

al"ays feel in my c%est at t%e t%ou$%t of 8d"ard and

focus my attention on Nate a$ain* .&o' you "anna $o to presc%ool tomorro" "it% c%ocolate on your face/. He $i)es me a toot%y $rin* .3es; Can / 5lease' 7ommy/. He clasps %is %ands to$et%er' li1e %e's prayin$* .No "ay' baby'. say' %u%/. 7y 1iddo's $ot a crus% on %is teac%er* As if on cue' %e duc1s %is %ead and blus%es' muc% li1e 1id* !o adorable. .Bella/. %ear Lisa call* &%e's one of t%e on-call t%erapists %ere at spea1 to did "%en "as a lau$% and s%a1e my %ead* .(%at "ould 7iss C%elsea

(%itloc1' and my $uess is t%at s%e's 2ust %ad a session "it% 7onica,a "oman "%o mo)ed in %ere last "ee1* Lisa's also t%e "oman once a mont%* Loo1in$ o)er my s%oulder' common room* .3ea%/. .7ary's loo1in$ for you,s%e's at t%e front des1*. nod and put do"n Nat%an* .<o attac1 6ncle >a::@ 'll be ri$%t bac1' o1ay/. off' but 1iss %is fore%ead' and %e nods before bouncin$ off* t's my day told 7ary,our assistant,to $et me if s%e %eard from C%arlotte* see %er standin$ in t%e door"ay to t%e

&%e's been tryin$ to call me for days' but ')e missed %er e)ery time' and "%en ')e called %er bac1' s%e's been out*

t's been a "%ile since

%eard from %er' actually* 7aybe a fe" mont%s*

(e're still close' but s%e li)es in #e9as "it% %er family and ne" boyfriend ,not 5eter,so it's not li1e "e see eac% ot%er often* .#%an1s'. tell Lisa as pass %er*

(e don't "ant anyone to feel li1e t%is is anyt%in$ but a real %ome' so "e %a)e "or1ed to ma1e t%is %ouse loo1 and feel4normal4 #%ere's a lar$e 1itc%en t%at "e all s%are* &ame $oes for t%e common room' laundry room' a small room "%ere "e %a)e computers4but "e still %a)e a front des1* t's manned FL-M' and it's "%ere 7ary sits* +r 7a$$ie' "%o %as t%e ni$%t s%ift* t's "%ere "e si$n people in' "%ere any of t%e "omen "%o li)e %ere can come,at any %our of t%e day,and $et %elp or 2ust tal1* Companions%ip is important* .Did s%e call/. as1 7ary' leanin$ my elbo"s on t%e counter*

&%e smiles and brus%es %er bro"n ban$s to t%e side* .No' but your laptop din$ed "it% an email*. .+%*. #%at's not as interestin$' but since 'm %ere' it* &o' enou$%' t%ere's an email "aitin$* And my eyebro"s s%oot up* !enderB Edward +. Cullen. .Holy fuc1'. breat%e out' feelin$ my t%roat closin$ up* brin$ t%e laptop into t%e office be%ind t%e mi$%t as "ell c%ec1

reac% o)er t%e des1 and $rab my already open laptop* &ure

(it%out $i)in$ it a t%ou$%t'

front des1 and sit do"n on one of t%e couc%es t%ere* Why now( What could he possibly want(

&ettin$ t%e laptop on t%e couc%' ri$%t ne9t to me' face t%e screen properly* But !ub2ectB 5lease read.

pull up my le$ so can't*

can

don't clic1 on t%e email yet*

s%a1e my %ead' an$ry' disbelie)in$' stunned' confused4curious* Last time sa" %im' %e refused to loo1 me in t%e eye* t "as durin$ t%e 1ne" an approac% of any 1ind $uess e9pected something* #o

trial' and e)eryt%in$,e)ery little part of %is life,"as bein$ aired out* He "as %umiliated and embarrassed' and from me "ould be s%ut do"n' but4still* be %onest' 'm not sure spo1en to me@ %ated %im* &till do* #%in1in$ about it' $uess it's t%at %e didn't as1 about Nat%an t%at %urt

"ould')e said anyt%in$ in return if %e had

"as so crus%ed* He pus%ed me do"n@ %e s%attered me*

t%e most* He 1ne" t%en t%at %e "as a fat%er4 remind myself o)er and o)er a$ain t%at it "as a %orrible time in %is life@ %is mot%er "as dead,by %is %and' no matter %o" accidental it "as,and people "ere findin$ out t%at %e'd been abused for t%irteen years* #%e media "ere pretty lenient, 'm sure money "as in)ol)ed to ensure t%at, but t%ere "ere still "itnesses* 5eople "ere called in to testify' and e)eryone ob)iously learned t%e trut%* don't %a)e all t%e details' but 1no" enou$%* 1no" t%at 8d"ard finally "onder "%ere t%at

found t%e balls to confront Carlisle and 8sme,t%ou$% be$$ed %im for t%e same,and

fuc1in$ coura$e came from' seein$ as it "as no"%ere to be found "%en 1no" t%at it ended in a $oddamn mess* Fists "ere flyin$' accusations "ere t%ro"n' and 8sme ended up dead* Bot% Cullen men also ended up in t%e %ospital' bruised and fractured* 8mmett %ad sa)ed t%e day "%en %e dro)e o)er to t%e Cullen %ouse t%at mornin$ to deli)er 8d"ard's lu$$a$e' "%ic% %e %ad for$otten in 8m's car*

And 8mmett %ad "itnessed %o" Carlisle "as %ittin$ and 1ic1in$ an unconscious 8d"ard* C%rist' t%en all t%e rest follo"ed: t%e "%ole mess "it% a man named Liam +'&%ea' Carlisle bein$ insane' %ospital drama' police reports' c%ar$es' t%e trial' $ettin$ t%at call from 8d"ard's la"yer after trac1in$ me do"n' flyin$ to &eattle' bein$ a ner)ous and bro1en "rec1' dealin$ "it% t%e %atred and pity felt for 8d"ard' $i)in$ my testimony' %earin$ about more deat%s4

don't e)en "ant to t%in1 about it* Bitin$ my t%umbnail' ta1e a deep breat%* %ate %im* ma1e sure pity %im* 'm t%an1ful for Nat%an* #%ere's also an ounce of didn't spill t%e beans about %is %orrible family* #%ere's %urt* feel betrayed@ opened up to %im and told "ant to see %im $lance at t%e screen a$ain*

understandin$@ 8d"ard didn't 1no" better' so %e "ent too far in order to #%ere's loss* #%ere's $uilt*

%im e)eryt%in$ about my past4only to %a)e it t%ro"n in my face4"%ere e)erybody could see and %ear' "%ic% t%ey certainly did* suffer' fi9 t%at* ')e started to let $o' t%ou$%* 'm actually %appy in my life ri$%t no"* +1ay' t%ere's a sense of4 don't 1no"' something4t%at ir1s me4but can't put my fin$er on it* (%ate)er* 'm still %appy* 'm youn$* 'm %ealt%y* And 'm t%e mot%er to an ama:in$ little boy* &o' "%y does %e %a)e to fuc1 "it% my life/ .3ou 1no" you're $onna read it'. si$% to myself* %a)e %ope* "ant to slap %im' "ant to %u$ %im' "ant to spit in %is face* &o

many conflictin$ emotions' and no amount of money and t%erapists can

7y fin$er %o)ers o)er t%e touc%pad*

6$%* ,'ella

s%a1e my %ead and clic1 on t%e email*

I'm probably the last person you want to hear "rom, and I don't e%en know i" you still use this email address, but I ha%e to try. +1ay* &%it* Deep breat%s' Bella* I'%e wanted to contact you se%eral times o%er the years, but it was ne%er the per"ect time. .r, i" I'm being honest, I was a coward. -o surprise there. +nyway, my therapist asked me weeks ago what my plans were a"ter my probation was up;i" I wanted to start "resh somewhere;so I talked things o%er with Emmett, and he suggested +laska. fro"n' one %and o)er my %eart' said %eart stuc1 in my t%roat* >esus C%rist* Alas1a/ +% <od' no* No' no' no' no* $ou always wanted to go there, too, or is my memory "ucked up( !o, that's where I'm going. I bought a cabin there, in the middle o" "ucking nowhere;near !terling;and I can't wait to 2ump on that plane tomorrow. +ll I want is peace and 9uiet. +"ter se%enteen months in prison and se%en on probation, I need to get away. (%oa,prison/ 8d"ard's been in prison/ For what/ ta1e anot%er deep breat% and find myself %oldin$ it as I swear I ha%e a point with this email;don't delete it yet. I'm not asking "or "orgi%eness, because I know I don't deser%e it. 'ut I want you to know that I am sorry. I'm sorry "or pushing you away and "or read on*

the things I did to you. -othing can e%er take that back, and I'm sorry "or that, too. I won't blame my upbringing or that I was only a kid= I did wrong, and I knew it at the time. I panicked and destroyed the only person who e%er ga%e a shit. scream and curse internally for so many reasons* #%is is 2ust too muc%* 89%alin$ s%a1ily' try not to t%in1 about %o" 8d"ard loo1ed in t%at

courtroom almost four years a$o* He "as beyond s%attered* I thought I hit rock bottom when *om told me you had le"t "or good. I don't know why I e6pected you to still be there, really, but/I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed. +nyway, then I thought I'd hit rock bottom when *om died. urned out I was wrong again. It wasn't until a"ter a year o" therapy that I hit my ultimate low. !ee, while I knew I acted badly, I ne%er really stopped to think;I didn't pause to use my "ucking brain. +t least not long enough to see how I'd actually a""ected the people around me. I didn't care. .3ea%' no s%it'. mumble*

I saw mysel" as a god in school, when I was really a goddamn e6ecutioner. I was "eared, not respected. +nd you couldn't ha%e been more right when you told me I'd become Carlisle. he only problem was that I didn't reali,e 2ust how right you were until it was almost too late. I 9uit therapy a"ter that "irst year. I "led, 'cause it didn't help me. It only made me "eel worse and worse. Each session brought clarity, and nothing will e%er hurt more. o know and understand what a bastard I was/ #rut% %urts' doesn't it' 8d"ard/ Well, I wasn't in prison "or no reason.

I won't go into all that, 'cause it's no use. 1ust know that I'm more sorry than you'll e%er know, 'ella. I treated you horribly, and I wish I could take it back. I wish I'd made the right choice back then. I know I would'%e had a better li"e today i" I did. *aybe I'd be with you now. +nd -athan. he pictures you sent me o" him/I don't e%en know what to say. #od knows I'm paying "or my mistakes. he guy I shared a cell with in prison always talked about his "our kids, and it hurt like nothing else when I couldn't share any memories o" my own. .C%rist'. breat%e out' feelin$ my eyes "ell up* loo1 a"ay from t%e

screen' steelin$ myself' %ardenin$ my %eart* #%is isn't %appenin$* #%is isn't %appenin$* All t%ese years' mean' %o" could t%is* 2ust assumed %e didn't want Nat%an* not t%in1 t%at/ He t%re" money on t%e $round for t%e

abortion' and %e ne)er tried to contact me* And4at t%e trial4u$%* Fuc1 dra" a breat% and pus% for"ard*

I want to ask you 9uestions, like where do you li%e, how are you, did you go to college/but I'm not really e6pecting answers, so I'll hold o"" on the 9uestions. hough, my guess is that you li%e in ennessee( I don't know. I 2ust remember that's where you mailed your letter "rom "our years ago. Four years/Christ. -athan's "our. It's incomprehensible. I don't know what else to say, but I'm sitting here trying to come up with more stu"", like I wanna keep writing, keep the letter going. 0ow "ucked up is that( -e%er mind. I hope you read this, and I hope you're happy, 'ella. &ike I said, I don't e6pect an answer, but i" you do want to write back, you can "ind my new address at the bottom. I'm mo%ing to +laska tomorrow, like I mentioned, so/ I also added my phone number. 1ust in case. .r you can use this email address. *y hope is "or some kind o" contact, o" course= it hurts not knowing -athan. 'ut a"ter e%erything I'%e done, I will respect your wishes. I" you don't want me in hisFyour li"e/

Fuck. I hope, with time, you can let me see him. 5lease. I'd be on the "irst "light, and i" you'd want me to mo%e closer, 2ust gi%e me the word. I'm getting ahead o" mysel". I'm sorry. ,Edward stare at t%e screen* 7y eyes "ell up* And scream* .>A&58?;. =C38= pace in t%e office as >asper reads t%e email a$ain* +r maybe it's %is t%ird or fourt% time readin$ it, don't 1no"* 7y %eart is poundin$ erratically' tears t%reatenin$ to spill o)er' and reali:e t%at 'm ner)ous as %ell* .(%at s%ould do' >a::/. c%o1e out' ne)er stoppin$ my pacin$* .He s%a1e my %ead* . 'm ri$%t %ere,

t%in1s 'm in #ennessee; But 'm not*.

in Alas1a* >ust a s%ort fli$%t from &terlin$*. 3ou don't dri)e in Alas1a* ')e learned t%at* 3ou fly* 8)ery"%ere* 8)eryone %ere is a fuc1in$ pilot* +%' <od* .And %e "ants,%e "ants4. "it% my %and* (%en Nate "as t%ree' %e as1ed about 8d"ard@ %e as1ed about %is daddy* don't e)er "ant my son to feel %atred to"ard anyone,it's a feelin$ t%at lea)es you dar1 on t%e inside* and carefree@ "on't %a)e t%at* refuse* 7y boy is %appy don't "ant %im to feel an$ry or sad* +r' <od forbid' "a)e a %and at t%e laptop >asper's stifle a sob and co)er my mout% %oldin$* .He "ants to 1no" Nat%an*.

abandoned* &o'

did "%at

t%ou$%t "as best and told %im t%at %is fat%er dare you* 'm

"asn't feelin$ "ell* 3ou try and e9plain t%at to a t%ree year old and not ma1e it sound li1e 8d"ard %ad cau$%t a bu$ or somet%in$* t%at' and "it% eac% time' not sure it "or1ed t%e first time' but Nat%an %as as1ed a fe" times after t%in1 %e understands more and more*

Last time "as about four mont%s a$o* .*ommy() I look away "rom the sto%e and down to -ate, my smile "altering when I notice the little "rown on his "ace. !o, I s9uat down to his le%el and s9uee,e his hands. )What is it, baby() 0e hesitates, not because o" whate%er topic is on his mind, but because he's thinking about his words. )3m/is my daddy sick() I pu"" out my cheeks, ha%ing e6pected this 9uestion to come up again. 7eleasing my breath slowly, I try to think o" a new approach;one that helps him understand. .8atie at school say her daddy's sick wi% cold,) he mumbles, scrunching his little nose. )0e snee,e lots.) I smile sadly. )It's not really like that, sweetie.) I pause, choosing my words care"ully. )When;when/) Fuck. )When your daddy was little, only a "ew years older than you are now, he wasn't %ery happy.) #od, this isn't working. Deep breaths. )What I mean is/he was %ery lonely and sad.) +s much as I want to tell him that Edward's parents were at "ault, I don't want -athan to hate Carlisle and Esme 2ust yet. !ome truth will seep out ;I wouldn't ha%e it any other way;but there are limits. -o matter who he hates, hate is bad. I'm sick o" hatred. It grows inside o" you until you either crumble to pieces or destroy someone else. While I will always

despise Carlisle and Esme, I ha%e nothing to "ear. It's not like -ate will e%er meet them. hey're both dead and gone. *ay they burn in hell. I go on. )+nd when your daddy got older, he was still sad. 0e also got angry.) -ate "rowns in con"usion. )Do you remember when Cheeky died be"ore we mo%ed here() Cheeky was -ate's hamster, a godaw"ul little thing that lo%ed to bite me. 0e was docile and "ucking cuddly with -athan, but as soon as I got near/ +nyway, the tiny monster got sick and died a"ter a "ew months, and -ate was so upset. )$ou were so sad that you got mad() 0e nods slowly, blushing. )I kicked my toys,) he whispers. I nod, too, remembering. It was such a tantrum= he almost turned his room upside down. )$our daddy was like that, but worse. 0is mommy and daddy weren't %ery nice, so Daddy was o"ten sad and angry. It wasn't easy "or him.) Desperate to get to the point, I continue. )When I met him, we became "riends,) I lie. )'ut he still wasn't happy, and/) I take a breath, gathering my ner%es. ) hen when I "ound out I had you in my belly,) I poke his tummy, making him smile, )I was so e6cited.) .kay, not really true= I was scared "or my li"e. 'ut -athan still turned out to be my blessing. It was lo%e at "irst sight. )'ut Daddy had been sad and angry "or so, so long; that,) I wet my bottom lip, )it was almost like he was sick. 0e couldn't help it.) .0e's sick now also() he asks, con"used. I nod slowly, again choosing my words care"ully. Fuck, this is hard4 )I'm not sure;I ha%en't seen him since you were a little baby;but i" he was better, he'd want to see you.) I nod "irmly and grin. )'Cause you're awesome, you know()

0e giggles when I tickle him, and though I can see that he's still con"used ;hell, I'm not sure my words made sense to myself;he will ha%e to wait 'til he's older to understand better. *aybe then he'll understand when I tell him that constant hurt and anger will make you sick. 'm brou$%t bac1 to reality "%en >asper spea1s up* .(ant me to call your la"yer/. tilt my %ead up at t%e ceilin$' already 1no"in$ t%e ans"er* 8d"ard from seein$ Nat%an' but only t%at' but .No'. Nate* 8d"ard "on't come near my son until can't 1eep

can' %o"e)er' do my best to protect 1no" 8d"ard's better* Not

refuse to let 8d"ard into Nate's life if it's 2ust temporary* palm my fore%ead' feelin$ a %eadac%e ne)er e9pected 'd %a)e to deal "it% 8d"ard let out a noise in frustration* .(%y find t%at really fuc1in$ "ant t%e

si$%' turnin$ to %im*

settlin$ in* #%ere's 2ust too muc% to process,too many 0uestions' too many emotions* Honestly' ,e)er a$ain* And no" t%is4 .6$%;. "%en t%in1 about it some more'

did 8mmett su$$est Alas1a to %im/. t's a r%etorical 0uestion at first' but ans"er* mean4%e couldn't possibly 1no"' could %e/ No "ay* +nly

C%arlotte 1no"s' and s%e li)es in #e9as,%er "%ole family does* (%ic% means C%arlotte %as no ties "%atsoe)er to For1s anymore* 8mmett doesn't %a)e a clue li)e %ere' and e)en if %e did' "%y "ould %e "ant t%ou$%t 8d"ard mo)ed bac1 to 1no"/ can only spea1 for 8d"ard to mo)e closer to me/ 5lus' myself' and %appened* . f you "ant' course' but if can c%ec1 up on %im'. >a:: offers* . t's your c%oice' of "ere you4. He $rimaces* . t's 2ust t%at you don't 1no" read' %e %asn't been

Baltimore after t%e trial' but "%at t%e fuc1 do

"ouldn't "ant to li)e near For1s after e)eryt%in$ t%at

%im anymore*. He points at t%e screen* .From "%at carefully*.

)ery upstandin$* 5robation/ &e)enteen mont%s in prison/ >ust4tread

%uff and sit do"n ne9t to %im' crossin$ one le$ o)er t%e ot%er and foldin$ my arms o)er my c%est* .+%' "ill definitely tread carefully* And you 1no" "%at/. 'm suddenly seet%in$* .Ho" dare %e/ Ho" fuc1in$ dare %e send me a letter li1e t%at/ #%ere are no ans"ers@ only s%it raisin$ more 0uestions' not to mention suspicion*. .And t%e 7r* Nice <uy act/ 5lease*. $uy "%o says 'sorry' for anything*. >a:: si$%s and purses %is lips before loo1in$ at me %esitantly* .Based on "%at you')e told me' t%en no* But %e could')e c%an$ed*. from bot% perspecti)es' %oney*. .3ea%' "ell' you're supposed to be on my side'. bad* .Fuc1* 'm sorry*. snap' instantly feelin$ $i)e %im an incredulous loo1' and %e %olds up %is %ands* . 'm 2ust tryin$ to loo1 at t%is scoff and s%a1e my %ead* roll my eyes* .8d"ard Cullen is not a

scrub my %ands o)er my face*

.Don't mention it'. %e c%uc1les 0uietly and rubs my bac1* . can't e)en ima$ine "%at's $oin$ t%rou$% your %ead ri$%t no"*. let out a %umorless lau$%* .I barely 1no"*. ')e come a lon$ "ay since before left For1s be%ind' and %ell "ill free:e o)er

let 8d"ard ruin t%in$s for me a$ain* #%an1s to e9tensi)e t%erapy

and surroundin$ myself "it% true family' ')e been able to stru$$le free from t%e bulls%it in my past* ')e dealt "it% my parents' deat%s' t%e $uilt %arbored for lea)in$ 8d"ard be%ind,despite "%at %e did,bein$ pre$nant at se)enteen' %a)in$ a baby at ei$%teen' and t%en e)eryt%in$ t%at follo"ed durin$ t%e trial* enou$%* And "as only in &eattle for t"o days' but it "as %eard e)eryt%in$ t%rou$% C%arlotte and >asper after t%at*

.(ant me to $et Lisa for you/.

s%a1e my %ead and loo1 do"n at my %ands restin$ on my lap* .No* 2ust need to process t%is* before $o to %er*. spo1e to %er about ?iley' and t%at's 2ust lau$%able ri$%t met %im t"o mont%s a$o "%en need4. blo" out a breat%* . need to t%in1

Last mont%'

no"* &uddenly' after 8d"ard's letter' t%e least of my concerns is t%e man "%o "ants more from me* ?iley' t%at is* fle" to >uneau "it% Heidi to loo1 at apartments t%ere,%e's a pilot* He $i)es me t%ose $irly butterflies in my stomac%' but 'm not ready for "%at %e "ants* He's already tal1ed about "antin$ to meet Nat%an' and t%at ri$%t t%ere is a bi$ red fla$ for me* No "ay* Not %appenin$* Not "%en Nat%an is so confused about %is %erita$e' and not "%en 'm not a %undred percent sure about %o" feel* mean' "e')e been out on a fe" dates and %e's )ery c%armin$' %andsome' and nice' but4 #%ere's a but* #%ere's somet%in$ %oldin$ me bac1' "%ic% stren$t%ens my resol)e to $o at a painfully slo" pace* Nat%an comes first' and and fall cra:y in lo)e* t's not e)en "%at . 'm 2ust $onna ta1e Nate %ome'. and "atc% a mo)ie "it% %im* come second* After t%at' t%ere's family and "or1* 'm in no position or place in my life to $o nuts "ant*

say tiredly* .<onna $i)e %im a bat% 2ust4. ma1e a face*

don't 1no"*

>a:: $rins "ryly and is about to say somet%in$' but 7ary spea1s up from t%e door"ay* .&orry to disturb' $uys' but C%arlotte's on t%e p%one for you' Bella*. nod at %er and tuc1 a"ay t%e part of me t%at "ants to scream' )I'm tired and I wanna hide out under my bed "or a week4) nstead des1* .Bella &"an spea1in$'. say automatically into t%e recei)er* $i)e >asper a partin$ smile t%en follo" 7ary out to t%e front

.0i, hun, it's Charlotte.) smile* .At last* #%ou$%t 'd ne)er trac1 you do"n'. 2o1e*

&%e c%uc1les' t%ou$% it sounds a bit forced* )$eah, we're both busy women. 0ow's e%erything() .<ood*. #%e ans"er comes out before certain email 2ust $ot* .And you/. e)en t%in1 about it* But don't

%a)e t%e ener$y to ta1e it bac1' 'cause t%en 'd %a)e to tell %er about a

.3m/it's good. !o, listen/I, uh, I was in Forks recently/actually.)

Edward's chapter song &earn $ou Inside .ut by &i"ehouse 'ella's chapter song .%er $ou by Daughtry EPOV +nce 8mmett and cold' so %a)e unpac1ed e)eryt%in$ in t%e cabin' $rab t"o

beers and my smo1es before

2oin %im out on t%e porc%* t's free:in$

ma1e sure to $rab my 2ac1et' too* #a:' a si9-year-old blac1 Lab

adopted a fe" mont%s a$o' follo"s me out* .Here*. %and 8m one of t%e Heine1ens and sit do"n ne9t to %im* .Fuc1'

it feels $ood to be done*.

&ince 8mmett's afraid of flyin$' %e left (as%in$ton a couple of days early and dro)e up to &terlin$ "it% my ne" ?an$e ?o)er,a car pac1ed "it% my s%it* And #a:' ob)iously* didn't $i)e me an ans"er* to fly' but as1ed 8m %o" %e's $onna $et %ome' but %e 1no" "%y' but it'd be nice to %ear it any"ay*

Alas1a is really t%e "orst possible state for %im to be in' since %e refuses rec1on (as%in$ton is e)en "orse for %im ri$%t no"*

.Are you $onna buy a $un or somet%in$/. %e as1s' loo1in$ out at t%e "oods surroundin$ us* .'Cause' dude4t%ere are a s%itload of bears in Alas1a' and #a: is more bar1 t%an bite* 3ou s%ould $et a cool Beretta*. crac1 a smile and li$%t up a ci$arette* . 'm not allo"ed'. He tilts %is %ead at me' confused* .All part of bein$ a con)icted felon'. (%at maybe si$%* didn't murder someone* $otta say "ryly*

did "as messed up' but at least "ould')e* (%o 1no"s/

count my blessin$s' ri$%t/

mean' %ad t%at man,Liam,not 1illed Dad'

s%a1e my %ead' $ettin$ rid of t%ose t%ou$%ts* . 'm not allo"ed to carry a 'firearm capable of bein$ concealed on my person'* &ome s%it li1e t%at* But 'm definitely $ettin$ a s%ot$un*. f see a bear %ere' "%ic% li1ely "ill at some point' 'll s%oot it' and t%en

'll probably piss my pants* .Hu%*. A comfortable silence follo"s' bot% of us t%in1in$ about our futures' $uess* can only spea1 for myself' but 'm pretty sure 8mmett's mind is doubt 8m "ants to return to spinnin$* After e)eryt%in$ "it% ?osalie' For1s anytime soon*

Can't blame him. (as%in$ton suc1s' and 'm $lad to be $one* Alas1a's %ome no"* 7y cabin is far from bi$' but it's more t%an need* #%ree bedrooms

upstairs' t"o bat%s,one on eac% floor,a 1itc%en' a li)in$ room' and a laundry room* Aside from t%e laundry room and t%e bat%room' t%e do"nstairs is pretty muc% a "ide open space' only sectioned by a fe" di)iders* For instance' a counter separates t%e 1itc%en from t%e li)in$ room on one side' and on t%e ot%er t%ere's a miniscule %all"ay "%ere t%e front door is* #%ere's a s%ac1 be%ind t%e cabin' too' "%ic% 'm pretty sure "ill turn into a "or1s%op soon enou$%* t's about time &o4"ood"or1in$ it is* Not%in$ is set in stone' but it's not li1e 'm in a rus%* don't need t%e follo" my o"n dreams' ri$%t/

money' and after4e%erything4 2ust "anna ta1e it easy and li)e in peace* 7aybe "al1 around t%e property "it% #a: or sit do"n by t%e fuc1in$ fire, don't 1no"* But "on't $ro" bored in a lon$' lon$ time* %a)e a 1itc%en pac1ed "it% food' drin1s' and snac1s' a cabinet in t%e li)in$ room full of DVDs and Jbo9 $ames' and s%el)es in my bedroom loaded "it% boo1s* also %a)e 8mmett,a dude ')e treated li1e s%it and ta1en for $ranted in t%e past* 'm t%e luc1y son of a bitc% "%o %e for$a)e too easily' but 'm ma1in$ up for "%at ')e done* He "as t%e only one "%o )isited me in prison* And after Ne" 3ear's' %e "ent "it% me to K8A in &eattle,'cause don't 1no" s%it about "%at you need in a %ouse,and t%at's 2ust "%at 8mmett does* He's t%ere for people' bi$ issues or small' and no" it's my turn to $i)e bac1* %ope lettin$ %im stay %ere indefinitely is a start' at least* 'Cause %e s%ouldn't $o bac1 to ?osalie* But t%at's 2ust my %umble opinion*

.Did you call t%at $uy in Anc%ora$e/. 8m as1s* .C%arlotte really recommended %im*. e9%ale some smo1e t%rou$% my nose and s%a1e my %ead* .Na%' my old counselor in &eattle %oo1ed me up "it% some dude in Kenai* t's closer*. Anc%ora$e is little o)er t"o %ours a"ay by car' but Kenai is only t"enty minutes a"ay* And since 'm seein$ my ne" t%erapist once a "ee1' 'd prefer not to $o too far* (%en "e first $ot to tal1in$ about "%ere 'd mo)e' 8mmett and C%arlotte "ere all about Anc%ora$e* Apparently' C%arlotte %as an uncle "%o li)es t%ere' but it too1 a "%ile for me to settle on Alas1a' period* 'Cause %ad my eyes on #ennessee* t didn't ma1e sense to me to mo)e so far a"ay if my ultimate $oal "as to %a)e some sort of relations%ip "it% my son* But t%en t%e realistic' albeit cynical' side too1 o)er* Because "%y on eart% "ould Bella e%er let me see %im/ could demand it@ could ta1e %er to court' but 'm tryin$ %ard not to be "ant %im to be

selfis%* t "ould %urt not only Bella' but Nat%an* 5lus' because 'm t%ere*

able to c%oose to spend time "it% me* 'd %ate to see %im upset 2ust

&o4 too1 8mmett and C%arlotte's ad)ice and bou$%t a cabin in Alas1a* t's peaceful and 0uiet' "%ic% is 2ust "%at be a"ay from ci)ili:ation* .(ait' so you %a)e no business "%atsoe)er in Anc%ora$e/. He fro"ns* fro"n' too' "onderin$ "%at's so $reat about Anc%ora$e* Aside from findin$ a place to li)e t%ere' C%arlotte also su$$ested "%ere my fuc1in$ $roceries' "%ere "%ere could buy could $et t%e c%eapest $as for my car' "ant' and t%at's also t%e "ant to reason for not $oin$ "it% an apartment or %ouse in Anc%ora$e*

could find a t%erapist' and "%at nei$%bor%oods "ere t%e best* f

s%e's so in lo)e "it% Anc%ora$e' maybe s%e s%ould lea)e #e9as and mo)e t%ere* . t's more t%an t"o %ours a"ay'. defend' flic1in$ my ci$arette off t%e %ear t%e

porc%* A %ea)y blan1et of sno" is co)erin$ t%e $round' and .(%at's t%e fuc1in$ deal "it% t%at city' man/.

little si::le as it puts out t%e smo1e* #%at's %o" 0uiet it is out %ere*

'm annoyed' but at least it's better t%an fury* Had t%is con)ersation ta1en place four or fi)e years a$o' "ould')e bas%ed %is %ead in by no"* But an$er mana$ement "or1s' so4 .Not%in$' 2ust4. He $rimaces and si$%s and %uffs and s0uirms in %is seat* let out a frustrated breat%* .What/ &pit it out' 8m*. .Fine; don't t%in1 it's $ood t%at you close yourself in*. He sco"ls' and my

eyebro"s s%oot up* .(e're only t"enty-t"o' for fuc1's sa1e* (e s%ould be carefree and-. cut %im off by puttin$ up my %and* .Let me stop you ri$%t t%ere' 8mmett* First of all' don't "eel t"enty-t"o*. Very $oddamn true* After a year and a %alf in prison' 'm definitely fit' if not fuc1in$ bulky' but my body is still tired* 'm fuc1in$ e6hausted* #%is is t%e first time in my life can 2ust sit bac1 and rela9 "it%out "orryin$ about anything* 'm my o"n person* 'm dealin$ "it% my demons* 'm doin$ s%it ri$%t' and breathe properly* #%ere's a lot in my life t%at s%ame' and $uilt' but 'm tryin$ no"* And s%it can finally %ate@ 'm full of re$rets'

"ant to do t%at far a"ay from

don't $i)e a flyin$ fuc1 about* Namely' city life and people from my

past* 'm not %idin$@ 'm 2ust done* 'm sic1 of all t%at* #%ere are bad days and $ood days' and findin$ myself in a bi$ city on a bad day is as1in$ for trouble* "ouldn't say t%ere are more temptations' but t%ere are definitely more pat%s of destruction to ta1e*

.&econd of all'.

release a breat%' . 'm not carefree*. "ill

'm a ner)ous fuc1in$ mess* 'm still stru$$lin$ "it% my past' "%ic% always do' and t%en t%ere's e)eryt%in$ "it% Nat%an and Bella* "on't be able to for$i)e myself for e)eryt%in$ ')e done before Bella's for$i)eness* And it's a )icious cycle' 'cause deser)e %er for$i)eness* And' to bac1 up a little' don't belie)e

1no" t%at %a)e

don't $et "%y 8mmett's pressin$ t%is matter*

He's al"ays been a small-to"n $uy' and t%e reason %e didn't $o to off colle$e "as because it "as al"ays %is plan to ta1e o)er t%e diner in For1s "%en %is fol1s retired* He %ates bi$ cities almost as muc% as ')e come to %ate t%em* #%e past se)en mont%s,as "ell as t%e time before my incarceration, li)ed in a condo in &eattle' and e)en considered lea)in$ For1s* . 1no"'. 8mmett si$%s 0uietly* .But4. He %esitates and "arnin$ $lare as #%ere's somet%in$ in Anc%ora$e-. .For C%rist's sa1e;. e9claim* #%is %as got to stop; C%arlotte first came up le)el %im "it% a fuc1in$ loat%ed it* Any"ay' %ad it not been for "%at ?osalie did' 8mmett "ould')e ne)er

li$%t up anot%er smo1e* .>ust listen to me' dude*

to For1s because ?osalie t%ou$%t %er friend "as $onna side "it% %er,s%e "anted C%arlotte t%ere for support* (%en it turned out t%at C%arlotte sure as fuc1 didn't stand on ?osalie's side' but on 8mmett's side instead' C%arlotte too1 it upon %erself to suddenly be my friend' too* &o' e)ery "ee1end for a mont%' a "%ole fuc1in$ mont%' cras%in$ at my place in &eattle* don't %ate %er' "it% 8mmett' and "%en t%is* Fuc1 Anc%ora$e; Honestly' it "as almost better "%en C%arlotte %ated my $uts* %ad C%arlotte and 8mmett don't fuc1in$ need %er as a friend@ "as $onna start

2ust don't care about %er* But s%e "as all buddy-buddy as1ed for ad)ice about "%ere

o)er' t%e t"o became an unstoppable force* Anc%ora$e t%is' Anc%ora$e

.$ou'%e changed, Cullen. #lad to see it,) "as t%e only t%in$ C%arlotte said after spendin$ %er first "ee1end "it% 8m at my place* And after t%at' s%e started actin$ li1e s%e's my friend* (%ate)er* .Bella's in Anc%ora$e;. 8mmett blurts out* 7y %ead "%ips in %is direction so fast t%at 'm afraid it's $onna fall off* What did %e say/ .&%e's %ere,in-in Alas1a' mean'. %e stammers* . found out "%en

C%arlotte,"%en s%e came to For1s*. loo1 at %im' incredulous' and feel %o" t%e blood drains from my face* .C%arlotte told me not to tell'. %e $oes on' runnin$ a %and t%rou$% %is s%ort %air* .But s%e's a c%ic1' ya 1no"/ &%e %ad t%is fuc1in$ )ision in %er %ead t%at you and Bella "ere $onna run into eac% ot%er in Anc%ora$e and li)e %appily e)er after* And "%en you said t%at you "ere mo)in$ to &terlin$' s%e "as still ban1in$ on you findin$ a t%erapist in t%e city*. can't4 can't "ucking belie)e t%is* Bella is %ere/ n Alas1a/ (it% -athan/ (ait* .Ho"4. s"allo" %ard t%en ta1e a deep dra$ from my smo1e* .Ho" does

C%arlotte 1no" all t%is/. He lets out a breat% and slumps bac1 in %is c%air* .C%arlotte's 1no"n all alon$' dude* &%e and %er uncle "ere t%e ones "%o %elped Bella $et out of For1s* And apparently t%is uncle is pretty close "it% Bella today* >asper'

t%in1 %is name "as*. He nods* .And t%is >asper $uy's "ife' too* #%ey all li)e in Anc%ora$e*. n s%oc1' me* .#%ey li)ed in 7emp%is first' Cullen* #%en t%ey mo)ed up %ere si9 mont%s a$o* C%arlotte told me e)eryt%in$ after t%at first "ee1end at your place in &eattle*. nod slo"ly' da:ed' stunned' and confused* 'm in t%e same state as my son* Appro9imately t"o %ours a"ay* wo hours. #%en remember t%e email also $ro" an$ry* sent Bella yesterday' and 'm suddenly %a)e no idea if s%e's e)en read it' but if mentioned #ennessee in an attempt to loo1 a"ay from 8mmett and out at t%e not%in$ness in front of

panic1in$*

s%e %as4t%en maybe s%e'll t%in1 'm lyin$ to %er* 7aybe s%e t%in1s 1no" t%at s%e's %ere and t%at come off as innocent* .3ou s%ould')e fuc1in$ told me from t%e be$innin$'. 8mmett a$ain* . emailed %er* 3esterday' "antin$ to 1no" Nat%an* $rit out' facin$

sent %er a lon$ email about

said my $uess "as t%at s%e "as in #ennessee*.

His mout% forms t%e .+%. before it actually slips out* .3ea%* .h'. say' sarcasm lacin$ my )oice* .Fuc1in$ %ell' 8mmett;.

. 'm sorry'. %e says' loo1in$ contrite* .For "%at it's "ort%' C%arlotte and "ill ob)iously tell Bella t%e trut%*. %uff and roll my eyes* .Damn ri$%t you "ill'. mutter* s%udder "%en a need

%ars% "ind blo"s by' and "%ile 'm still pissed' 'm too tired to fuc1 around "it% t%is crap ri$%t no"* t's been a lon$ $oddamn day' and

some sleep* 7aybe 'll email Bella tomorro" and e9plain "%at's $oin$ on* 'Cause t%e last t%in$ need is more s%it on my plate* . 'm free:in$ my balls off out %ere@ 'm $onna %it t%e sac1* 3ou 1no" "%ere your room is*. let out a 0uic1 "%istle to alert my do$* .Come on' #a:*. =C38= (%en "a1e up t%e ne9t mornin$' find t%at t%e cabin is empty* Not only notice t%at

is t%e cabin empty but' as flannel pa2ama bottoms'

loo1 out t%e li)in$ room "indo"' trud$e into t%e 1itc%en' and4

my car is $one from t%e dri)e"ay' too* Dressed in not%in$ but a pair of

#%e note on t%e 1itc%en table doesn't really tell me why t%e ?o)er is $one* +nly "%o too1 it* (%ic% "as pretty damn ob)ious from t%e $et-$o* I'm borrowing the car "or a "ew hours. ook a, with me. AEmmett. .No s%it' mot%erfuc1er'. and decide t%at ya"n' "al1in$ o)er to t%e frid$e to ta1e out a rub my bare c%est can only

fe" e$$s* (%ile c%ec1in$ t%e contents of t%e frid$e' 'Cause as it is ri$%t no"'

s%ould probably buy a fuc1in$ coo1boo1 or somet%in$* can buy $roceries li1e a c%amp' but

ma1e pasta and omelets* Not countin$ sand"ic%es* (it% t%e e$$s si::lin$ in a pan and t%e coffee bre"in$' "al1 o)er to t%e

1itc%en "indo"' open it' and li$%t up my mornin$ smo1e* #%e fres% air comin$ in feels really fuc1in$ $ood@ it's crisp and "or1s better t%an an alarm cloc1* spot my laptop on t%e counter' and "it% last ni$%t's con)ersation filterin$ t%rou$% my mind' slide it closer and po"er it up* t too1 me doubt t%ree days to $at%er t%e coura$e to finally send Bella an email' so can 2ust do it ri$%t no"' "it%out se)eral internal pep tal1s' but-

.A%' fuc1*.

for$ot*

don't %a)e internet out %ere* Hell'

barely %a)e any

si$nal on my p%one* &ater, then. ta1e a final pull from t%e ci$arette t%en toss it out t%e "indo"* 'm 2ust about to pour myself some coffee "%en door' and since s%out as in 'em* 8nock, knock4 .Ar$%;. Desertin$ my precious coffee' t%e tiny %all"ay' and rip t%e door open* don't free:e in place because of t%e icy "eat%er* No' free:e because it's Bella* stomp out of t%e 1itc%en' do"n %ear a 1noc1 on t%e

%a)en't %ad my first cup of coffee yet t%is mornin$' 'm

more t%an a little irritated* .3ou don't %a)e to fuc1in$ 1noc1' 8mmett;. reac% for a bi$ mu$* t's definitely one t%at 8mmett pic1ed out don't do pol1a dots* But t%is li$%t $reen mu$ is co)ered at K8A' 'cause

Fuck me. 7y eyes "iden@ !he grew up. (earin$ s1inti$%t 2eans' a snu$ %oodie' a beanie' and "inter boots' s%e's4s%e's' s%e's fuc1in$ $or$eous* 8)en more t%an s%e "as before* release t%e breat% ')e been %oldin$ and loo1 at %er face' %er eyes as "ide as mine' %er c%ee1s flus%ed from t%e cold' %er full lips sli$%tly parted4 C%rist' "as s%e t%is beautiful before/ No "ay* mean4Bella's al"ays been fuc1in$ hot* But s%e's4older no"* 7ore "oman4ly* Not e)en %old my fuc1in$ breat%*

se)enteen anymore* Her %air is lon$er' "a)y* And t%ose cur)es4damn* . inks*.

notice* ?eally lon$* And sorta

t comes out as a 0uiet breat%* n relief* +nly' as soon as my name for %er is out' 'm slammed bac1 into reality,t%e reality "%ere s%e %ates my $uts and %as e)ery ri$%t to do so* Ho" t%e fuc1 could a fuc1in$ monster* <oin$ to loo1 %er in t%e eye a$ain' interpretin$ t%e in1 But %a)e t%ere* see t%e fury* see t%at %ers are trained on my %a)e no idea %o" s%e's destroy %er/ <od' "as

ribca$e' and 'm suddenly e)en more ner)ous*

find out "%en %er $a:e snaps to mine and

!hit, shit, shit. &%e ta1es a 0uic1 step for"ard and slaps me across t%e face' causin$ my %ead to 2er1 to t%e side' and before s%oc1 %as e)en settled in me' s%e pulls up %er 1nee and 1ic1s me in t%e $roin* #%e searin$ pain s%oots t%rou$% me' renderin$ me breat%less and stunned' and floor' bot% %ands co)erin$ my balls* .C%rist'. "%ee:e out* curl up in t%e fetal position and "%imper from t%e end up on t%e

$oddamn pain* .3ou pac1 a mean fuc1in$ punc%' #in1s*. .Don't,"ucking,call me t%at'. s%e spits out and steps o)er me to enter t%e cabin* .Hi' by t%e "ay* Ass%ole*. Come on in' inks* 7a1e yourself at %ome* .h, sweet 1esus' $roan internally* +r per%aps it "asn't so internally at scrunc% my face to$et%er' "aitin$ not-so-

all* ?ollin$ onto my bac1'

patiently for t%e pain in my nuts to subside*

BPOV &ince ?iley's a pilot,and it's not li1e 'm close enou$% to %im to 1no" %is sc%edule, a)oid t%e airport* nstead dri)e* dri)e t%e t"o %ours and t"enty minutes it ta1es to $et from Anc%ora$e to &terlin$* All t%e "%ile' %a)e C%arlotte's "ords $oin$ on a loop in my %ead* <od' t%at fuc1in$ p%one call yesterday4 .0e's changed, 'ella.) (e'll see* .7emember a "ew months ago and you said you were worried about -ate not ha%ing a dad( Well, he actually does ha%e one, and I don't think Cullen's gonna "uck it up.) #%ere's a difference bet"een a fat%er and a dad* .I studied him like a damn science pro2ect= trust me. 0e's not the bully we used to know.) Not your place to 2ud$e' C%arlotte* 3ou %ad no ri$%t* . hose two pictures o" -ate( 0e has them e%erywhere. .n his "ridge, in his wallet, in picture "rames in his li%ing room and in the hallway.) #%at 2ust ma1es me an$ry* f %e lo)es Nat%an so muc%4 .0e's been in anger management;Emmett told me. herapy, too. 0e's still going.) &o "%at/ need to see t%e proof for myself*

.#i%e him a chance, honey.) 6%-%u%4

s%a1e my %ead and $rip t%e steerin$ "%eel ti$%ter* step on t%e $as* follo" t%e <5&* #%e past four years' ')e "or1ed "it% "omen "%o are )ictims of abuse' and it %as $i)en me a "%ole ot%er perspecti)e* (%ile 8d"ard "as in pain' p%ysical and ot%er"ise' know no"* al"ays 1ne" t%at "as too youn$ and

ine9perienced to really compre%end "%at %e "as $oin$ t%rou$%* But no"4 1no" t%at %e's a product of %is parents' abuse and ne$lect* "as t%e one "%o "anted to %elp %im by ta1in$ it supposed to do/ As an 1no" t%at %e "as desperate to 1eep %is pain to %imself' to 1eep %is entire life a secret* And outsider' t%at "as all to t%e aut%orities* Bi$ mista1e* But still' "%at "as 1ind don't $et %elp until t%ey're ready for it* 3ears of t%erapy and "or1 %a)e %elped me deal "it% all t%is* ')e come to terms "it% 8d"ard's reasonin$ and actions' but t%at doesn't mean e)eryt%in$ is o1ay* t's sure as %ell not* callous %e "as* 'm %uman@ still %ate t%at man for %o" feel all t%e time* "as so fuc1in$ can't control %o"

could do* Ho"e)er' ')e learned t%at )ictims of t%is

?e$ardless of "%at's ri$%t or "ron$' %e %urt me "%en )ulnerable' and %e did it so publicly and %ars%ly* can deal' can mo)e on' can pus% for"ard' but

can't for$et and

for$i)e 2ust li1e t%at* (%at pisses me off ri$%t no" is t%at,selfis%ly,Cullen is fuc1in$ "it% my contentment' and4t%at %e's a t%reat to Nat%an* For all still t%e fuc1-up 1no"' 8d"ard is used to 1no"* And it doesn't matter "%at past %e %as*

He can't %ide be%ind t%at@ %is past $i)es %im reason and' admittedly' some leniency' but fuc1 me if it $i)es %im an e6cuse to do "%at %e "ants*

And

s"ear to #od4if %e immediately starts actin$ li1e Nat%an is %is "ill 1ic1 %is ass* Because %e doesn't 1no" shit' and

"%ole fuc1in$ "orld' until no"' but

%e didn't care enou$% to contact me before* 7aybe %e %asn't been ready don't $i)e a fuc1* He could')e fired off a simple email tellin$ me t%at %e "asn't in a $ood place in %is life yet' t%at %e "asn't ready' or4somet%in$* But no' instead %e i$nored it alto$et%er* He made me belie)e t%at %e didn't "ant Nate,t%at %e didn't care* #%at's mainly "%y %ate 8d"ard*

%ate to %ate' but 8d"ard Ant%ony Cullen ma1es it easy for me* At t%e same time' 'm still stru$$lin$ "it% t%e dic%otomy* +ne part often tells me t%at 8d"ard "as not%in$ but a bro1en boy,"%ic% is all )ery true,and one part tells me t%at $a)e up too 0uic1ly' t%at left too 0uic1ly* But t%en4a $irl %as %er limits* "as dealin$ "it% so muc% at t%e same time: %ad for 8d"ard' %is fuc1ed-up

t%e deat%s of my parents' Alec's betrayal' rina's public %umiliation' lea)in$ 5%oeni9' t%e confusin$ feelin$s parents' and t%en findin$ out t%at "as pre$nant* could %andle* fled*

(%at 8d"ard did to me in sc%ool "as t%e last t%in$ Correction:

couldn't %andle it* #%e pro)erbial cup spilled o)er and

'm brou$%t out of my internal conflict "%en t%e <5& lady tells me to ta1e a ri$%t' and soon "oods* ta1e deep breat%s* 7y blac1 &6V ta1es me closer and closer* I will act ci%il, I will be polite, this is "or -ate, it's not about me, I will push away my personal "eelings. And t%en 'm par1ed in front of a t"o-story lo$ cabin in t%e middle of no"%ere* end up on a narro" road leadin$ deeper into t%e

.Before

lose my ner)e'.

mutter to myself and reac% for my beanie in "o1e

t%e passen$er seat* a little irritated t%at

run a %and t%rou$% my %air t%en put on t%e beanie' actually left my apartment "it%out a 2ac1et*

up at around se)en t%is mornin$' too1 Nate to >ada,"%o drops +li)ia and Nat%an off at presc%ool "%en "or1' "%ere Anc%ora$e* #%en "%en "ouldn't ma1e it* Last' "or1 early,but instead of dri)in$ to"ard too1 t%e first e9it out of "as called 7ary and said sure as %ell don't need a 2ac1et' passed <ird"ood'

sent off a te9t to C%arlotte' tellin$ %er t%at

ta1in$ %er ad)ice and contactin$ Cullen* +nd now I'm here. e9%ale and lea)e t%e car' my boots ma1in$ crunc%in$ sounds a$ainst t%e sno" as "al1 to"ard t%e cabin* %ear' )$ou don't ha%e to "ucking knock, c%uc1le dar1ly*

After 1noc1in$ once on t%e door' Emmett4) comin$ from inside' and

8mmett' t%at "ucking meddler* He and C%arlotte "ill $et an earful sooner or later* 3esterday' "as too s%oc1ed to las% out at C%arlotte*

1noc1 t"ice more' %arder t%is time* 7y stomac% does a somersault "%en side of t%e door* 0ere we go. 1esus Christ. #%e door is ripped open and 'm suddenly face-to-face "it% my ni$%tmare* A ni$%tmare "%o %as $ro"n into a seriously built man o)er t%e past four years,%oly s%it,but t%e 0uestion is if %e's $ro"n into a real man on t%e inside' too* 'Cause t%at's "%at matters* But really' t%ou$%4 Doesn't he own a shirt( %ear t%e stompin$ on t%e ot%er

(it%out my permission' my eyes "ander freely' startin$ at %is face* He loo1s older' a lot older' and t%e clean-s%a)en 2a" 'm used to %as been replaced "it% a 2a" "it% a day's "ort% of scruff* His %air is still a mess' but a little s%orter no"* His eyes4%is eyes s%o" t%e "ei$%t %e carries on %is s%oulders' but t%ere's also somet%in$ else* A bri$%tness ')e ne)er seen before* His bul1y arms are ne9t* #%en %is torso* <oddamn* He "or1s out* But "%at narro" my eyes at is t%e tattoo on %is ribca$e* I can't "ucking belie%e him* #%ree sil%ouetted c%aracters are in1ed t%ere* 5eter 5an' #in1erbell' and one of t%e Darlin$ siblin$s,t%e youn$est boy* t ob)iously represents Nat%an* Last but not least' a 0uote from 5eter 5an: .#o li)e "ill be an a"fully bi$ ad)enture*.

Fury sur$es t%rou$% me* Ho" dare %e/ (e're not some %appy fuc1in$ "amily' and t%is is not a $oddamn fairytale*

f Nate means so muc% to %im t%at %e dedicates a tattoo in %is %onor4 "%y t%e "uck couldn't 8d"ard let me 1no" t%at %e at least cared/ 8)en from a distance* 8)en if it "as to say t%at %e "asn't ready to p%ysically be close* 8)en if4a%' "%ate)er* No need to $o o)er t%is a$ain* 'm a decent %uman bein$@ "ouldn't %a)e discarded a messa$e from "ould' eit%er* 'm %ere because of

8d"ard* ')e ne)er made %im belie)e t%in1s . inks*.

Nate* 7y decisions are based on "%at's best for %im' and if 8d"ard really "ouldn't')e allo"ed %im to %a)e a relations%ip "it% my son4

7y %ead snaps up@ suddenly' t%ere's no "ay #a1in$ a 0uic1 step for"ard' t%en 1ic1 %im in t%e balls*

can .act ci)il.*

$i)e %im t%e mot%er of bitc%-slaps' and

He ends up on t%e floor' pain etc%ed across %is features* 7y %eart is stuc1 in my t%roat* 7y c%est %ea)es* 7y eyes close t%en open* .C%rist'. %e "%ee:es out' curlin$ up in t%e fetal position* .3ou pac1 a mean fuc1in$ punc%' #in1s*. No* He can't* 'm not #in1s anymore* .Don't,"ucking,call me t%at'. spit out* $lare at %im as step o)er %is

body and enter t%e cabin* .Hi' by t%e "ay* Ass%ole*. >esus* fuc1in$ hit %im* #%at "asn't t%e plan* Ho" stupid am / .&tupid' stupid' stupid'. "%ere t%e 1itc%en is' so "%isper s%a1ily* +ne loo1 to t%e ri$%t tells me $o t%ere' open t%e free:er' and find a ba$ of "al1 bac1 to t%e little %all"ay and drop t%e

fro:en peas* #%at'll do* #%en

ba$ on t%e %ands t%at are co)erin$ %is crotc%* . 'm sorry'. a fuc1in$ idiot*. =C38=

say curtly'

1ic1in$ off my boots* . 1no" better t%an to use )iolence' but you're such

A fe" minutes later' 8d"ard %as uncomfortably directed me to t%e li)in$ room "%ere "e sit do"n on t%e couc%,%im in one corner and me in t%e ot%er* +n t%e "ay' %e also pulled on a %oodie* .6m4can $et you anyt%in$/. %e as1s uncertainly* .#%ere's' u%' coffee' $otta turn off t%e sto)e*. (it% t%at said' %e

and4s%it; >ust a minute@

"al1s out of t%e li)in$ room' one %and still pressin$ t%e fro:en peas on %is balls* He crin$es "%en %e "al1s too fast' so %e slo"s do"n* si$%' ner)ous and an9ious and an$ry and conflicted and4 could $o on and on* But 'm %ere* #%at's somet%in$' ri$%t/ t's a start*

Chapter song We Did It When We Were $oung by he #aslight +nthem BPOV By t%e time 8d"ard returns to t%e li)in$ room' my s%oc1 from seein$ %im a$ain after all t%is time %as finally started to "ear off* But on t%e ot%er

%and' countless ot%er emotions "a1e up after layin$ dormant,emotions t%ou$%t %ad "or1ed t%rou$% "it% my t%erapists*

#%ere's a constant battle ra$in$ inside of me' and it's almost impossible to pic1 a side and $o "it% it* . ' u%, made coffee'. %e says 0uietly' settin$ do"n a mu$ on t%e table in front of me* &ittin$ do"n on t%e couc%' %e cradles %is o"n mu$ in %is %ands* notice t%at %e left be%ind t%e ba$ of fro:en peas* t ma1es me feel %orrible* actually %it %im* Not once' but crin$e internally no"' and

t"ice* .Do4do you still ta1e it blac1 "it% one su$ar/. fro"n' confused* .(%at/. .6m4your coffee*. He loo1s so uncertain and appre%ensi)e* t's not "%at 'm used to* 'm used to t%e coc1y boy "%o t%ou$%t %e "as t%e coolest of t%em all* 'm used to bullyin$' rudeness' sneers' )icious smir1s4 Not t%is* t t%ro"s me off* .Bella/. n a sli$%t da:e' turn to %im* .3ea%/.

%it %im* #%ere's no mar1 on %is c%ee1' but4 slapped %im* #%en 1ic1ed %im* .3our coffee'. %e says slo"ly* .Blac1 "it% one su$ar/.

.+%*.

release a breat% and try to focus* Coffee* ?i$%t* .6m' yes* #%an1 pull off my beanie and

you*. 'lack with one sugar* .3ou remember*. place it ne9t to me* n my perip%ery' see %im s%ru$$in$ a little*

7y mind,C%rist,it doesn't stop spinnin$* t's almost too muc%* But first t%in$s first* . 'm sorry'. slapped you4. say 0uic1ly' not satisfied "it% t%at* . 'm sorry*. A little better* 8d"ard 2ust loo1s confused' t%ou$%* . s%ouldn't %a)e "ince* . 'm sorry*.

He s%a1es %is %ead* . %ad it comin$, deser)ed it*. #%at's "%ere %e's "ron$* .No one,no one deser)es t%at'. 0uietly' implorin$ly* 'm not 2ust tal1in$ about "%at about e)eryt%in$* Violence is ne)er o1ay' and t%at lo"* He loo1s me in t%e eye for a second t%at seems lon$er t%an it is* #%en %e nods "it% a dip of %is c%in and peers do"n into %is mu$* t's "eird@ t%e silence t%at follo"s is bot% comfortable and unbearable* #%e inner "ar continues* 7y "orst of my an$er %as faded* t's been replaced "it% an ac%e t%at ma1es my c%est constrict* #a1in$ a sip of my coffee' of t%em' really* $lance at %im subtly@ c%an$e is e)ident* 7any can't belie)e respond stooped

did* 'm tal1in$

can see it in %is eyes' in %is stance4 He sits more

rela9ed no" t%an "%en %e "as se)enteen* He's not ri$id in %is o"n %ome' "%ic% %e "as before* And %is eyes4 t%ou$%t about it before4t%at t%ere's a bri$%tness in t%em ob)iously' and ne)er sa" in t%e past* He %as $ro"n up p%ysically' %ope,for t%e first time,t%at t%is can "or1 out* >ust %alf

an %our a$o'

selfis%ly "is%ed %e "ould')e 2ust stayed a"ay' but4if %e "ant Nat%an to %a)e a fat%er* A dad* could barely felt "%en %e sent %im in

can pro)e t%at %e's different no"' Last time sa" 8d"ard'

couldn't see a dad in %im* Hell' made it %appen* +f course' can't let $o of t%e %urt

see a mom in myself' but

"asn't as

dama$ed as 8d"ard "as* &till'

refused to loo1 in my direction bac1 t%en* His actions made me belie)e t%at %e probably 2ust t%re" a"ay t%e letter and t%e p%otos Baltimore* #%ou$%' 1no" better no"* Four years later* can see one

p%oto,t%e one of Nate and me,on a boo1s%elf* +n t%e coffee table t%ere's t%e p%oto of 2ust Nat%an* And since t%is "as a surprise )isit4in a matter of spea1in$4it's not li1e 8d"ard could')e prepared %imself* #%e p%otos are e)idently important to %im* 7y eyes stin$ and %a)e to loo1 a"ay for a moment*

&eein$ %im no"' $ro"n up and matured' li)in$ on %is o"n' not loo1in$ an$ry or defensi)e4 And t%en comparin$ it to "%o 8d"ard "as in t%e past4 I'm sworn in be"ore I sit down, ready to answer the lawyers' 9uestions. *y eyes "ind Cullen, and he sits "ro,en in his seat, eyes blank and a%erted. 0is hands clutch the armrest to the point where I can almost see how white his knuckles are. hey're a stark contrast to the dark shadows under his eyes, the yellowing bruises on his cheeks, and purplish red cuts on his "orehead and eyebrows. 0is knuckles nearly match the whiteness o" his le"t arm, which is in a cast. .*s. !wan, can you tell me the relation between you and my client, Edward Cullen() Due to "%at Carlisle confessed in t%e %ospital' it "as a speedy trial' and 1no" t%at 8d"ard "asn't up a$ainst any c%ar$es* Carlisle "as still

reco)erin$ "%en t%e trial be$an' so %e %adn't been ta1en into custody or anyt%in$* remember >asper tellin$ me t%at after t%ey transferred Carlisle to &eattle and %e "as ta1en off sedation' t%ere "ere t"o police officers $uardin$ %im* And t%en it "asn't necessary to ta1e t%in$s furt%er since Liam s%ot and 1illed Carlisle* #%at %appened after 7emp%is' t%ou$%' so %appened* %ad $one bac1 to still don't 1no" muc% about t%at* +nly t%at it

1ind of "onder myself %o" Liam $ot around t%e officers at

t%e %ospital* And "%y' ob)iously* #%ere "asn't too muc% t%at "ent public' so >asper and 8d"ard's la"yer told me* only 1no" t%e basics,"%at

1no" t%at Carlisle "as conscious

"%en %e "as brou$%t to t%e %ospital in For1s@ %e "as cra:ed and frantic accordin$ to issued statements' yellin$ and screamin$ about %o" 8d"ard %ad .ruined e)eryt%in$.* #%rou$% C%arlotte' enou$% to put Carlisle a"ay for a lon$ time* C%aracter "itnesses pro)ided t%e rest and filled in t%e blan1s about %o" 8d"ard be%a)ed in sc%ool' %o" often %e s%o"ed up "it% bruises4 3et anot%er nail in Carlisle's coffin "as t%e lac1 of 8d"ard's medical records* f your son comes %ome "it% a bro1en rib' you ta1e %im to t%e %ospital' no/ didn't e9actly stic1 around to %ear e)ery detail* "aitin$ for me at %ome' and "as told* ans"ered t%e la"yers' 0uestions' %ad a ne"born son only did "%at also found out t%at 8mmett %ad %eard plenty of t%in$s "%ile %e "as in t%e %ouse t%at "ere damnin$

"as still lost and bro1en' so

$a)e t%em my trut% about left*

8d"ard's parents abusin$ and ne$lectin$ %im' and t%en (it% a s%a1e of my %ead' drin1in$ coffee*

brin$ myself bac1 to t%e present4"%ere 'm

sittin$ in a bi$ cabin' in t%e middle of no"%ere' "it% one 8d"ard Cullen'

'lack with one sugar. t's a bit surreal* . ,. 8d"ard clears %is t%roat* . didn't 1no" you "ere in Alas1a*. nod slo"ly and loo1 do"n at t%e steamin$ be)era$e in my %and* . 1no"* C%arlotte called yesterday and told me*. %a)e already fi$ured out as1ed t%at 8d"ard "as una"are' and t%en C%arlotte confirmed it "%en %er* .&%e said t%at s%e and 8mmett planned t%is/. He crac1s a small smile' still not loo1in$ at me* %e's not loo1in$ at me' and around* (%en only loo1 at %im "%en

"onder if it's t%e same t%e ot%er "ay

spea1 and a)ert my eyes' does %e study me' too/

.Fuc1in$ meddlers' %u%/. %e c%uc1les 0uietly' t%ou$% t%e sound dies fast* t's a"1"ard* And t%e 0uestions .8d"ard4. %a)e bottled up are be$innin$ to be$ to be ans"ered*

don't 1no" "%y t%at came out as a "%isper* .(%y,. definitely %a)e %is attention* +nce a$ain' %e loo1s blo" out a breat%* .(%y "ere you in

s"allo" %ard' and prison/.

appre%ensi)e* Ner)ous' too*

He e9%ales s%a1ily@ %e doesn't loo1 surprised by t%e 0uestion* 7ore4 resi$ned' maybe4li1e %e 1ne" it "as comin$* .6%' s-second de$ree assault and dru$ possession'. %e croa1s* .H-%eroin*. suc1 in a breat% and loo1 a"ay* 1esus "ucking Christ.

%onestly don't 1no" "%at matter* . t's not "%o

e9pected' and maybe ')e e)en entertained

t%e t%ou$%t of it bein$ dru$s and assault' but4but to %ear it is anot%er

am' #in1- 'ella* Fuc1,sorry*

2ust4. His "ords come out

0uic1ly and 2umbled' and t%e pain in %is )oice tu$s at my %eartstrin$s* . 1no" ')e messed up' but don't "ant you to t%in1 'm into t%at s%it, face %im slo"ly and stare at %im* He ne)er "as' really4. &1eptical'

releases a breat%' stru$$lin$ "it% %is "ords' it seems* . s"ear' Bella'. %e "%ispers* . "as, "as arrested before4. .Before you became addicted/. don't "ant to 2ud$e 8d"ard@ isn't easy* 8)en "%en finis% flatly* %a)e no ri$%t to do so' any"ay* But it's

%ard not to* #%ere's so muc% resentment lin$erin$' and lettin$ $o of t%at remind myself t%at %e's been t%rou$% hell4%e still can't blame %im for e)eryt%in$ %e's %urt me deeply* And it suc1s t%at

done* Li1e %e said' %e 1ne" "%at %e did "as "ron$' but at t%at time %e %ad no idea 2ust %o" %is actions affected people* He "as t%in1in$ of %is o"n sur)i)al' and "%en %e "as "ea1' %e felt t%e need to pus% do"n ot%ers* He became Carlisle' but %o" could %e not become t%at person/ All t%at %atred and "ron$ly placed %its and blo"s4 #%at's all %e's e)er 1no"n* #%en t%ere's anot%er part t%at tells me t%at %e 1ne" %o" fuc1ed-up Carlisle "as* 8d"ard s%ould')e left' escaped' reported %im4 <ro"in$ up' %e must')e seen %o" %is friends' parents didn't act li1e Carlisle and 8sme did* He must')e learned in sc%ool t%at )iolence is "ron$' and4bla%' bla%' bla%* don't fuc1in$ 1no"* 'm so conflicted*

He "as a se)enteen-year-old boy* (e're %uman* (e ma1e mista1es* 'ut there are still conse9uences. #rue* .3ou don't %a)e to belie)e me'. %e mumbles and sets %is mu$ do"n on t%e table* . "as in a bad place@ 'd $one t%rou$% mont%s of t%erapy "%ere 'd learned "%at a cruel monster "as*. He smiles bitterly' and see t%at t%e bri$%tness in %is eyes is temporarily $one* #%ere's so muc% a$ony in %im t%at it's almost p%ysically painful for me* .#%e trut% %urt' and did "%at 1ne" best: turned to dru$s,an instant escape*.

1no" "%at %e's referrin$ to' of course* (%en "e "ere se)enteen' "e smo1ed "eed* t $a)e us a calm t%at erased real life for a moment* Heroin is different' t%ou$%* After "or1in$ "it% abused "omen for years no"' 1no" t%at dru$s are commonly used to escape reality* And %eroin is one of t%e stron$est dru$s out t%ere* t's a do"ner@ instead of ecstasy and ener$y' you feel blissed out and calm* All t%e bad t%in$s fade a"ay* t's also so addicti)e t%at you become %oo1ed after only a fe" times* 0ence being skeptical o" what Edward 2ust said about being arrested be"ore he became addicted to it. .&o' tell me'. t%at re0uest in a %us%ed )oice* He loo1s up' seemin$ surprised

"ant %im to e9plain* .3ou "ere arrested before/.

His Adam's apple mo)es as %e s"allo"s* . ne)er "ent bac1 to colle$e and Baltimore after t%e trial'. %e admits* .7y plan "as to see a s%rin1' $et better' and t%en4contact you*. .Nat%an "as my tri$$er*. nod once to s%o" t%at 'm listenin$*

fro"n* .For "%at/. .<ettin$ better* (%en for a moment/ +r . t's o1ay'. $ot your letter,t%e p%otos4. He trails off' and %is need a smo1e@ can "e $o outside

eyes become a little moist* .6%' listen*

could $o out, 2ust need-. didn't 1no" t%at %e smo1ed' but

say 0uic1ly and stand up*

can't say t%at 'm surprised* .Let's $o*. &oon' "e're standin$ on t%e porc% to$et%er* t's cold' but t%ere's no "ind' "%ic% ma1es it bearable4if not nice* #%e air is crisp and fres%* 8d"ard %as also pulled on a beanie' but ot%er t%an t%at' %e's still in %is pa2ama bottoms and %oodie* +%' and snea1ers* %ope %e o"ns a pair of boots' too* #%is is Alas1a' after all* .He's t%e one "%o made "anna confront 7om and Dad'. %e says 0uietly' suddenly' eyes focused on t%e "oods* .Nat%an' mean*. +%* 'm not sure $uess it t%at's a $ood t%in$' seein$ %o" %urt 8d"ard $ot* But in t%e end'

is* t "as %o" it all finally came to a stop* .Any"ay4. He ta1es a pull from t%e ci$arette and e9%ales slo"ly* .After t%e trial and all t%at "as o)er' stayed in &eattle* 7y la"yer settled e)eryt%in$ "it% money and "%ate)er my fol1s o"ned,%ouses' apartments4 bou$%t a condo in t%e city and started seein$ a s%rin1*. He rolls %is eyes at t%at' and "%ile %e's already told me %o" it "ent,2ud$in$ by "%at came ne9t in %is life,it's clear t%at t%ere's a lot more to t%e story* .#al1 about epic fail on my part'. %e mutters* si$% silently* .And t%en , ran a"ay from it* dro)e to 5ort An$eles' contacted ?oyce' and bou$%t "%at %e recommended*. 0ow mature. .3ou bou$%t %eroin from ?oyce Kin$'. c%est* state' foldin$ my arms o)er my

.He%* 3ea%4 &mart mo)e' %u%/. He $i)es me a side"ays smile' a "ry one* .Very'. deadpan*

He $rimaces and loo1s do"n at t%e floorboards* 1eep studyin$ %im' still t%ro"n off by t%is man* His demeanor is so different* . c%ec1ed into a motel in 5ort A'. %e says %oarsely* . t "as a "ee1end' and didn't lea)e until needed more from ?oyce*.

#%e ed$es of e)eryt%in$ become blurry as my eyes "ell up "it% tears' t%ou$% s"allo" t%at s%it do"n a$ain* could')e done differently,bac1 1no" t%at Carlisle's abuse only made t%e ri$%t

7y mind tries to come up "it% t%in$s t%en* f %adn't pus%ed %im' if t%in$s %a)e been better no" or "orse/ decision* don't 1no"* 7aybe*

%adn't tried to %elp 8d"ard4 (ould

$ot "orse as time passed' so 'd li1e to t%in1 t%at

(ould 8d"ard still %a)e $one to prison on dru$ and assault c%ar$es/ (ould %e e)en be ali)e/ 5er%aps %e "ould')e stayed in colle$e to become a doctor* But %e didn't "ant t%at' did %e/ No* .#%e cops arrested me t%e second time arm,t%e inside of it,and my stomac% c%urn because bou$%t from ?oyce'. 8d"ard see %im scratc%in$ %is

continues 0uietly* (atc%in$ %im from t%e side'

spot a couple of tiny scars* #%e si$%t ma1es "onder if it's left from "%en %e did dru$s

Not t%at

1no" %o" %e too1 it' but4 . 1ne"

"as facin$ time in prison'

and4. He c%uc1les tiredly' bitterly' almost silently* . made it "orse by assaultin$ t%e police officer*. puff out my c%ee1s before e9%alin$ %ea)ily* don't "ant to be selfis%' but t%ere's a lot,a lot of feelin$s, feel to"ard 8d"ard4t%at %is sa1e before find 2ustified* He too1 t%e lon$ road to reco)ery "%ile %ad Nate@ fou$%t for %ad >asper could fi$%t for my o"n* 8d"ard %ad no one* He "as only "ent "it% t%e s%ort one and ne)er $a)e up* But

ei$%teen at t%at point' and %is "orld %ad 2ust cras%ed do"n*

and >ada' too* #%e first stran$er 8d"ard opened up to,%is t%erapist, ser)ed %im "it% t%e trut%' "%ic% %urt 8d"ard* And so %e ran a"ay' turned to dru$s' "as unable to deal "it% it* (e "ere so fuc1in$ youn$* "ant us to find a "ay to mo)e past it all' because4"e deser)e t%at' don't "e/ 2ust need to "or1 t%rou$% t%e resentment but can't %elp it* ?e$ardless of %o" feel* %ate feelin$ t%at "ay'

see t%in$s' t%ere's a )oice in my "ent t%rou$% %ell' too@

%ead tellin$ me t%at %e could')e done t%in$s differently' better* But %a)en't been abused* Not p%ysically' any"ay* %ad a year t%at "as torture to endure* pre$nant* But 8d"ard suffered t%rou$% t%irteen of t%ose years' and t%at "as only before Carlisle and 8sme died* #%e years t%at follo"ed %a)en't e9actly been easy for %im' eit%er* . feel old'. blurt out' sorta suddenly* lost my parents' ne)er really $ot

to $rie)e' $ot pus%ed do"n in t%e "orst "ay,t"ice,and ended up

8d"ard %uffs a c%uc1le* . 1no" "%at you mean*.

And

belie)e %im*

(e're only t"enty-t"o years old' but you can't really tell* .Do you t%in1,do you t%in1 .+f course'. can see %im sometime/. %e as1s %esitantly*

say' furro"in$ my bro"*

.+%*. He nods' loo1in$ relie)ed' but mostly surprised* .#%an1 you*. #%en it's my turn to be %esitant* .But can "e "ait a "%ile/. #rut% be told' it's not really a 0uestion' e)en t%ou$% %im to meet Nat%an* First' learn about %im@ posed it as one* 'm not ready for "ant to "ant to tal1 more "it% 8d"ard*

"ant to 1no" "%at 1ind of reco)ery %e's $one t%rou$%*

7ainly for Nat%an's sa1e' but also for mine* .3ea%' of course,anyt%in$ you say* 'm 2ust $lad you're $onna let me see %im at all*. He smiles a"1"ardly* He doesn't %a)e to t%an1 me* t's4it's %is son' too* +r' it "ill be* t%in$s $o "ell* 2ust need to ta1e it slo"ly* fat%er "%o pops in "%en %e feels li1e it* t %as to be somet%in$ permanent* Nate deser)es t%at* But until t%en4 . %a)e a fe" p%otos in my "allet* Do you "ant to' um' see t%em/. He ta1es a breat%' a s%a1y one' and nods 0uic1ly* .5lease/. . t's in my car,2ust a sec*. lea)e %im on t%e porc%' t%e ima$e of %is $o* 7y %eart is poundin$ reac% into t%e $lo)e %ope* f

don't "ant 8d"ard to be a

$lassy eyes burnin$ into my memory as furiously* +penin$ t%e passen$er door'

compartment and ta1e out my "allet* f 'd planned to come out %ere' "ould')e brou$%t Nate's baby boo1 or somet%in$*

-e6t time. nod to myself at t%at t%ou$%t* Ne9t time* 'll brin$ it ne9t time* (%en return to t%e porc%' 8d"ard's eyes are redder t%an before* can see %o" %ard it is for %im to 1eep %is see it as a $ood si$n@ 'm "ould')e doubted

don't comment on it' but

emotions inside* 7aybe it's cruel of me' but %im more' t%in1*

$lad to "itness %is stru$$le* Had %e not been affected'

Chapter song !tart o" !omething #ood by Daughtry EPOV +nce "e're inside t%e cabin a$ain' Bella and and sit do"n on t%e couc%* t%is time t%an s%e did before' t%ou$% return to t%e li)in$ room

sit do"n first and s%e settles closer to me 1no" it's because s%e's $oin$ to

s%o" me p%otos of Nat%an* &ittin$ at opposite ends of t%e couc% "ould ma1e it more difficult* (%ate)er* 'm tryin$ not to o)eranaly:e' but it's not "or1in$* 'm ner)ous* &cared s%itless and appre%ensi)e* Because "ant t%is* Nat%an and Bella in my life* reali:e t%at "ant to be %is dad* t's one of t%e reasons ')e fou$%t so %ard in my reco)ery* (%ile my t%erapist made me needed to fi$%t for myself' s%e told me t%at Nat%an "as an e9cellent reason to remain moti)ated*

. only %a)e t%ree p%otos %ere'. s%e says' %oldin$ t%em in %er %and* "ould 1no" since my eyes are trained on t%em* .#%at's fine'. respond 0uic1ly* Fuc1* 7y %ands are s%a1in$* #%ey're "ipe t%em off on my t%i$%s*

s"eaty' too' so

.6m' t%is is from %is second birt%day*. &%e $i)es me t%e first picture' and ta1e it "it% tremblin$ fin$ers* 'm a little embarrassed' but t%ere's not%in$ can do about it* bite t%e inside of my c%ee1

5eerin$ do"n at t%e small p%oto in my %and'

in a feeble attempt to 1eep myself from cryin$ li1e a bitc%* #%e little boy in t%e p%oto is so fuc1in$ cute' it's insane* He %as t%is lopsided' toot%y little $rin4a party %at "%ic% is tilted' and "%at ca1e around %is mout%' on %is nose4 fore%ead and s%irt* He %as $reen eyes and my "ild %air* 7y )ision $ets blurry' so blin1 a fe" times to see clearer* assume is ice cream or c%uc1le t%ic1ly* t's e)en on %is

.#%is is from C%ristmas,same year@ %e "as t"o*. nod and accept t%e p%oto@ more tears "ell up in my eyes* But t%is time t%ere's no blin1in$ t%em a"ay* 7y t%erapist %as told me to be open and %onest' but brea1in$ do"n ri$%t no"' ri$%t %ere' after seein$ Bella for t%e first time in four years4yea%' 'd rat%er not* 'm sure t%ere "ill be plenty of ot%er times s%e's $oin$ to see me in tears* .He's4. 'm not sure about "%at "ord to use* Beautiful/ Cute/ Handsome/ All t%ose are correct* . 1no"'. s%e says softly* Keepin$ my eyes on t%e p%oto' smile a little at

t%e si$%t of Nat%an tearin$ into %is $ifts* He's completely surrounded by $ift "rappin$s and bo9es* .6m' t%is is from a fe" mont%s a$o*.

#%e t%ird p%oto floors me* He resembles me so muc% t%at it's scary* .C%rist'. breat%e out and "ipe at my c%ee1s*

. ')e seen you e)ery day' 8d"ard'. s%e "%ispers' causin$ me to loo1 up at %er* . n Nat%an* He's you*. 89%alin$ s%a1ily' focus on t%e picture a$ain* don't 1no" if it's from a

special occasion@ it's a simple p%oto of Nat%an sittin$ on a couc%* He's $rinnin$ into t%e camera' and %e's dressed in a &uperman pa2ama set* #%ere's a bi$ difference' $oin$ from a t"o-year-old to a four-year-old* He %as $ro"n up a lot* He's a little person* No c%ubby c%ee1s or t%i$%s* His face is more defined4more li1e my o"n features* (%at notice most are %is bri$%t eyes*

don't e)er "ant t%at spar1 to fade* Li1e it did "it% me* . %ope %e's not too muc% li1e me'. c%o1e out' terrified* 7y eyes are

"atery and "ide as t%ey meet Bella's* But s%e only smiles* .He's t%e boy remember %im/. Barely* t's been a lon$ time since "as t%at boy,t%e boy "%o c%ased "as friends "it% in Ari:ona* 3ou

Bella around C%arlie and ?enee's bac1yard for 1isses* "is% could remember more from "%en "e li)ed in 5%oeni9' because it's only %a)e one* t's a precious one' t%ou$%,t%e memory of us

ob)ious t%at Bella does* &%e seems to %a)e countless memories of us' "%ereas runnin$ around' me stealin$ %er first 1iss* <i)in$ %er my o"n first* $ot c%ocolate on %er dress and tic1led %er until s%e smiled a$ain*

Fi)e "as a $ood a$e* Hopefully' too* .8d"ard' are you o1ay/. reali:e t%at 'm s%a1in$ more* Deep breaths, Cullen. .3ea%,sorry'. croa1*

"ill be %ere to see my son at t%at a$e'

close my eyes and pinc% t%e brid$e of my nose'

"illin$ myself to calm do"n* (%y couldn't %a)e $otten my s%it to$et%er sooner/ (%y did %a)e to

miss four "%ole years/ remember %o" fuc1in$ ner)ous t%erapist's office* Hell' in t%e end* "as "%en stepped into my first did

"as ready to piss my pants* +r bolt* (%ic%

couldn't ta1e it* t "as too muc%* Not t%at t%e man "as %ars%

or anyt%in$' but t%e trut% %urt nonet%eless* t "as li1e startin$ o)er* He told me about ri$%t and "ron$' about ma1in$ c%oices and ta1in$ conse0uences* He encoura$ed me to $et it all out' and t%en %e del)ed deep into my messed-up brain and dissected me li1e a fuc1in$ fro$* +1ay' not really' but %e basically tore me apart* +nly' ran a"ay before %e could put me to$et%er a$ain* 7etap%orically spea1in$* 1no" t%at 'm t%e only one "%o can fi9 me* &ittin$ in %is office' spo1e about e%erything@ opened up* "as still,at

t%at time,so ea$er to $et "ell so t%at in my life* But t%en' "it% eac% session' intro)erted* and my t%ou$%ts "ere morbid and dar1*

could mo)e on and %a)e my son became more and more "as ready to 1ill myself'

loat%ed myself to t%e point "%ere

closed myself in completely* #%e outside "orld didn't e9ist* At first' it didn't e9ist because only %ad one $oal' and t%at "as to $et better* And "as too busy pus%in$ myself do"n* ne)er "ent out* ne)er met ne" only t%en it didn't e9ist because

Ha)in$ fun ne)er crossed my mind* people* didn't e)en meet people

already 1ne"* solatin$ myself'

%ad t%e sessions "it% my t%erapist and t%e loneliness of my condo* "atc%ed mo)ies' played )ideo $ames' "rote to Bella and Nat%an' played music4 still %a)e all t%e letters to Bella and Nat%an t%at "ent unsent,bot% from "%en li)ed in my condo and from "%en "as in prison*

After one particular session' t "ent do"n%ill after t%at* #%e s%rin1 %ad as1ed me %o" accidently 1illin$ my mom* 5roblem "as' bad' ri$%t/ But

bou$%t a bottle of )od1a*

dealt "it% any $uilt

%arbored after

didn't feel $uilty* #%ere "as no remorse' and it led to my "as* Because someone "%o 1ills s%ould feel dran1 and dran1* t numbed t%e pain' and e)en,as sat t%ere in my dar1 condo t%ou$%t4I ha%en't gotten laid since I was didn't* &o'

t%in1in$ %o" monstrous

felt infinitely better for a moment* ,t%ou$%t about $oin$ out*

with inks= it's time to "inally get some pussy. With the almost:empty %odka bottle in my hand, I lea%e the condo and head outside. he air is cold, which would'%e been good i" I wanted to sober up. Fresh air brings clarity, so "uck that noise. I drink more and smirk when I spot the bar across the street. !ee( 5roblem sol%ed. here won't be "resh air in there.

.n the way o%er, I gi%e mysel" a pep talk, because I ha%e e%idently "orgotten the almighty king I used to be. Edward "ucking Cullen. hat's me. !o what i" my parents are dead and I ha%e no one( I can take care o" my own. I don't need anyone. +nd "uck that "ucking mind"ucker who thinks I should "eel remorse "or what I did to *om. he bitch had it coming. !he let Dad beat me up. !he let him use me as his punching bag. Well, it's not my goddamn "ault my "ather ended up being a "ucking "ag who couldn't own up to it. It's not my "ault he "elt the need to rough me up 2ust because he was embarrassed about liking cock. Fuck it all. Fuck that shrink. Fuck my parents. Fuck 'el/'ella. Fuck -ath: *y stomach lurches 2ust as I reach the other side o" the street. .1esus Christ,) I whimper, leaning against a brick wall. What the hell am I doin$( Dropping the bottle on the ground, I bring out my wallet where I ha%e the photo o" -athan. I sink down on the sidewalk, my back against the wall. I stare at the picture. 3ea%' you're not so stron$' are you' Cullen/ 'e"ore I know it, I start sobbing like a little pussy. +nd then I make my way back to the condo again, "eeling more pathetic than e%er. #%e "ee1s t%at follo"ed "ere "orse* didn't attempt to $o out a$ain' but already %ad

dran1 a lot' and my s%rin1 "anted to put me on more pills*

antidepressants t%at

too1' but apparently t%at "asn't enou$%/ Any"ay'

fled a fe" "ee1s later and dro)e up to 5ort An$eles* Anot%er "ee1 after t%at' "as arrested*

reali:e t%at ')e been silent for 0uite a "%ile' 2ust starin$ at my fouryear-old son* !o much I'%e missed. But prison4an$er mana$ement and counselin$4 t%at may %a)e missed a

fuc1load' but t%e past t"o years sa)ed my life* Bein$ arrested ensured $ot a"ay from all t%in$s destructi)e* t %elped me* And t%at's "%ere mana$ed to s%ut %im out after t%e trial "as be%ind bars* #%e man didn't relent@ %e )isited 8mmett entered my life a$ain* but not so muc% "%en

me* (e built a ne" friends%ip' one t%at's based on4"ell' "e're actually friends no"* +r rat%er' 'm a friend to %im* He's al"ays been t%ere' but ne)er $a)e a s%it in t%e past* He let me "al1 all o)er %im bac1 t%en* 8)eryone did* 89cept Dad' of course* And Bella* &%e didn't ta1e my crap* &%e $ot out' 2ust li1e s%e deser)ed to* After "%at did to %er' 'm $lad s%e's e)en breat%in$* #%at s%e made a life for %erself is ama:in$* 7y "is% is t%at t%is is t%e start of somet%in$ $ood,somet%in$ t%at "ill $i)e me more t%an an e9istence* (%ile feel better no"adays' ')e only 2ust started li)in$* #%ere's still a lon$ "ay to $o' but 'm on t%e ri$%t pat%* sniffle and scrub a %and o)er my face* .#%an1 you for s%o"in$ me t%ese'. &%e purses %er lips' starin$ at me* "%isper and return t%e p%otos*

sorta "anna s0uirm under %er $a:e' 'cause it loo1s li1e s%e can see into me* .3ou')e really c%an$ed' %a)en't you/. s%e as1s softly' tiltin$ %er %ead* open my mout% to say somet%in$' but c%an$ed* (%at don't 1no" "%at* 3ea%' ')e %a)e to pro)e it' and %a)e

t%ou$%t "as a man before "as not%in$ but a fuc1ed-up

1id* But tellin$ Bella t%is "on't be enou$%*

to do it t%orou$%ly* For %er sa1e and Nat%an's* . 'm not perfect'. #%e last t%in$ t%at up* "it% my son@ selfis% pric1* but say 0uietly* . ne)er "ill be*.

"ant is for %er to %a)e too %i$% e9pectations* 'll 2ust fuc1 "ant is to li)e in peace* $uess/ "ant a $ood relations%ip "ant to be %appy* "ant to $i)e bac1' also "ant to s%o" t%at 'm not a don't %a)e it all fi$ured out'

mean4"%at

%a)e $oals* <oals t%at are my o"n* <oals t%at don't only in)ol)e my

o"n %appiness but ot%ers'' too* #o be t%e cause of your 1id's smile %as $ot be re"ardin$' ri$%t/ At least t%at's "%at my cellmate told me in prison* Bein$ loc1ed up didn't turn me into a reli$ious nut-2ob or anyt%in$@ belie)e in a sa)ior' and don't feel reformed* don't

belie)e "e ma1e our o"n

luc1* (e 2ust need to "or1 for it' "%ic% 'm more t%an "illin$ to do no"* And if can earn Bella's for$i)eness' too4

.ne step at a time, buddy. C%ancin$ a $lance at Bella' lips* .(%o is/. s%e c%uc1les* .Nobody's perfect' Cullen*. $uess* 7aybe* see t%at s%e %as a "ry smile playin$ on %er

.And 1eep t%e p%otos'. s%e adds' %er smile "idenin$ for a second* . 'll brin$ more ne9t time*. -e6t time. #oo o)er"%elmed to spea1' can only nod at t%at*

&%e "ill be bac1* And in t%e future' 'm $oin$ to meet Nat%an* 1esus Christ. Honestly' didn't e9pect %er to be so4a$reeable* Hospitable* Friendly* suddenly splutter out* 7y t%roat closes up' but 1eep

. 'm s-sorry'.

$oin$ because it feels as if 'm $oin$ to e9plode if . 'm really fuc1in$ sorry for "%at e)er 1no"* &%e %as no idea t%at croa1 out a$ain* .Don't*. &%e s%a1es %er %ead and puts up a %and* my parents* (it% Bella' it feels li1e

don't say somet%in$* $rie)ed for

did to you' Bella*. &orrier t%an s%e'll $rie)ed for %er more t%an actually lost somet%in$* . 'm sorry'.

s"allo" %ard* . 'm %old

not ready to tal1 about4our4differences' conflicts' past4"%ate)er* 'm not ready* (e're doin$ t%is for my,. &%e releases a breat% "%ile mine' my %eart stuc1 in my fuc1in$ t%roat* .+ur son'. s%e "%ispers* nod 0uic1ly' understandin$' all "%ile c%astisin$ my sorry ass for $ettin$ a%ead of myself* !he hates me. his is 2ust "or -athan. . don't %ate you'. s%e admits in a rus%' at "%ic% loo1 up in s%oc1* s

s%e a frea1in$ mind reader no"/ .#%ere's,. Her bro"s 1nit to$et%er and s%e a)erts %er eyes* But only for a second* #%en s%e loo1s me in t%e eye a$ain* .#%ere's acceptance and understandin$'. s%e says slo"ly' as if

s%e's t%in1in$ out loud* .But4. 3ea%' t%ere's al"ays a but* .8d"ard' %a)e so muc% to "or1 t%rou$%* it's replaced "it% anot%er one* can barely %old onto one feelin$ before feel4. &%e lic1s %er lips and si$%s*

.#%ere's resentment* Hurt,you %urt me so fuc1in$-. &%e stops %erself and ta1es a breat%* .(e'll "or1 on it' o1ay/ But ri$%t no"4t%is is for Nate*. nod a$ain' "illin$ to ta1e "%ate)er s%e offers* +nything* .+1ay*. &%e nods' too* .All ri$%t4o1ay* t%in14 t%in1 better $o*. &%e's 0uic1 to try to i$nore t%e

stand up and pull on %er beanie* 7ean"%ile' Nate is $oin$ to be %ome from sc%ool soon*.

uncomfortable "ay my c%est constricts* . %a)e a t"o-%our dri)e' and

>ust %earin$ %er tal1 about %im pulls my %eart in t"o different directions* #%ere's pain for not 1no"in$ anyt%in$ about %im4 >oy for 1no"in$ t%at t%is is t%e closest t%an ')e e)er been to %im* And from no" on* No more runnin$ a"ay* .#%an1 you for t%e p%otos'. murmur' standin$ up' too* . t means4. "ill only $et closer

loo1 do"n at t%em' still in my %and* . t means a lot*. &%e $i)es me a small smile* .3ou're "elcome*. Follo"in$ %er to t%e door' li1e t%e email try to come up "it% somet%in$ to say* 7uc% "ill ob)iously $o at Bella's "ant*

sent %er' 'm stallin$ and tryin$ to ma1e it,t%is,last* said it "as t%e pace

$uess t%at's pat%etic' but 'm beyond carin$* pace' t%ou$% 'd be a liar if 5atience. ?i$%t* .Can %a)e your number/.

as1 a"1"ardly as s%e puts on %er boots* . need to call you of "%ate)er*.

2ust fi$ured since' u%4 mean' if

&%e stands up and brin$s out %er p%one from %er bac1 poc1et* .&ure* ')e already pro$rammed yours*. &%e fiddles "it% %er p%one for a bit* . don't 1no" my o"n number'. s%e c%uc1les' scrollin$ a"ay* crac1 a $rin at t%at* .(ell' you ne)er call yourself' ri$%t/. &%e lets out anot%er c%uc1le* .89actly,o%' %ere it is*. &%e s%o"s me t%e p%one' and 0uic1ly memori:e it so t%at can "rite it do"n as soon as s%e's $one* .3ou "anna $et a pen or somet%in$/. .No' $ot it'. say and t%en repeat t%e number*

.<reat*. &%e smiles carefully* .+1ay' um4"e'll be in touc%/. -ot good enough, not good enough4 7y lun$s feel too small all of a sudden* .(%en/. as1' an9ious* need a date* +r limits* Can lie* call tomorro" or do

%a)e to "ait a "ee1/ (ill "e see eac% ot%er in a fe" days or "ill s%e need a mont%/ +r more/ .No pressure'.

At t%at' s%e actually smir1s* .3ou 1no"4 ne)er bou$%t your bulls%it' Cullen* At least not for lon$*. (ell' fuc1* . 'm $lad to see ')e $otten better*. .+r maybe ')e $otten "orse at lyin$'. poc1ets of my pa2ama bottoms* c%uc1le' stic1in$ my %ands in t%e

loo1 do"n' bot% amused and ner)ous*

'm also relie)ed t%at t%e tension seems a little li$%ter no"* .Could be t%at' too'. s%e concedes' and anot%er smile* face %er a$ain* &%e offers me $i)e you

si$% 0uietly' unable to not t%in1 about %o" $reat s%e

loo1s* .&o4. &%e roc1s bac1 and fort% on %er feet* .Ho" about %ere*.

a call tomorro" after "or1/ (e could set anot%er date for me to come out

+"ter work. I wonder what she does "or a li%ing. .#omorro" sounds better t%an t%e day after t%at'. bac1 at %er* .+%' and if you "ant' doesn't seem fair if you do all t%at dri)in$*. &%e s%a1es %er %ead' dismissi)e* . t's o1ay* for4for t%is*. +%* 7aybe s%e doesn't "ant me in Anc%ora$e* .6%' "ill you at least let me %elp you/. nec1* . don't 1no",$as' plane tic1ets/. t%e dri)e"ay' but as1' rubbin$ t%e bac1 of my ob)iously noticed %er &6V in t%in1 your place is $ood say %onestly' smilin$

could al"ays come to Anc%ora$e* t

t%ou$%t e)eryone fle" in Alas1a*

.No "orries' 8d"ard* 3ou're not t%e only millionaire around %ere'. s%e teases' and company* f $rin' 1no"in$ t%at C%arlie o"ned a successful $amin$ remember correctly' Bella told me t%at C%arlie tau$%t %er to

play po1er "%en s%e "as li1e fi)e* Any"ay' "%en C%arlie and ?enee died' e)eryt%in$ t%ey o"ned "as li0uidated' and Bella $ained access to a s%itload of money "%en s%e turned ei$%teen* .Not t%at s%e c%uc1les' bac1trac1in$* .But t%ou$%* Very considerate of you*. furro" my bro"' confused* .Not muc% left/. tilt my %ead* %a)e muc% left'. do all ri$%t* #%an1 you for t%e offer'

Ho" is t%at possible/ Bella doesn't e9actly come across as a bi$ spender* . $a)e most of it a"ay to c%arity*. &%e s%ru$s and rests %er %and on t%e door %andle* . set up funds for Nate,a trust and a colle$e fund, bou$%t us a condo' %a)e a $reat car' and t%ere's a sa)in$s account in case 'd e)er need somet%in$* t's all $ood*. Hu%*

*ental noteB check up on charities. .&o' 'll call you tomorro"/. &%e opens t%e door a little* nod dumbly* .#omorro"*. (atc%in$ %er dri)e a"ay is painful* =C38= 7y ass is a bloc1 of ice from sittin$ on t%e benc% on t%e porc%' but 'm not mo)in$ 2ust yet* 5lus' #a: lo)es to run around in t%e sno" in front of t%e %ouse* And 'm too frea1in$ e9cited to $i)e a s%it about t%e cold* .C%ec1 out t%is one'. smo1e' say' $rinnin$ li1e an idiot* #a1in$ a dra$ from my

"atc% as 8mmett's mout% cur)es into an e)en "ider smile* And

1no" "%at %e's t%in1in$: t%at Nat%an loo1s e9actly li1e me* .He's four in t%at picture' so it's pretty recent*. .Holy s%it'. %e c%uc1les* .#%is is $reat' man*. nod* .Bella said s%e's $onna brin$ more ne9t time*. . 'm %appy for you*. He slaps me on t%e bac1 and returns t%e p%otos to me* .Does t%is mean you're not pissed at C%arlotte and me for interferin$/. .Annoyed as hell*. $rin "ryly and tuc1 a"ay t%e pictures into my "allet* can find a $ood place for t%em* <otta ma1e

#%ey'll stay t%ere until today' t%ou$%*.

copies' too* .But not pissed* 'm curious %o" you 1ne" s%e'd be %ere

.C%arlotte called me t%is mornin$*. He pauses to ta1e a s"i$ from %is beer* .&ee' Bella te9ted %er t%is mornin$ and said s%e "as $onna ta1e C%arlotte's ad)ice to contact you* &o' s%e told me to $et out 2ust in case* actually passed Bella's car on t%e "ay' but don't t%in1 s%e sa" me*.

.Hu%* All ri$%t* (ell' you can e9pect to $et outta Dod$e ne9t time s%e comes' too*. flic1 off some as% from my smo1e* .And ta1e #a: "it% you*.

.+f course* Let me 1no" if 'm in t%e "ay' Cullen*. .Dude*. care*. s%a1e my %ead* .3ou can mo)e up %ere permanently for all $i)e %im a side"ays $lance* . 'm serious* t's 2ust "%en Bella's coc1 a

%ere* n t%e be$innin$' at least* But "%ile "e're on t%e sub2ect4. bro" at %im' and %e 1no"s "%ere 'm $oin$* .Ha)e you tal1ed to ?osalie/. .Don't spea1 t%at bitc%'s name'. %e spits out* %old up my %ands* .&orry*. t's 0uiet for a "%ile' but t%en %e brea1s it and si$%s %ea)ily* . 'm so fuc1in$ an$ry'. %e "%ispers*

nod' understandin$ t%at* ?osalie dropped out of colle$e durin$ %er second year because s%e missed 8mmett* &%e returned to For1s' and t%e t"o mo)ed in to$et%er* &%e "as tal1in$ about ta1in$ classes at t%e community colle$e in 5ort A' but s%e "as definitely not lea)in$ t%e area a$ain* &%e said 8mmett "as more important t%an anyt%in$* &o' t%ey li)ed to$et%er and "ere %appy* 8mmett popped t%e 0uestion to %er last year "%en %is dad promoted %im at t%e diner* 7r* 7cCarty retired' so it's 8mmett's place no"* Any"ay' s%e said yes and it "as t%eir little fairytale or "%at-t%e-fuc1-e)er* 6ntil s%e left %im at t%e altar a couple of "ee1s a$o* .(ell' stic1 around 'til you feel better'. su$$est' pattin$ #a:'s %ead as %e s"ear s%e calls e)ery

sits do"n in front of me on t%e porc%* .But s%e's still callin$ you' ri$%t/. Apparently' ?osalie is full of remorse and re$ret*

ni$%t* 8)en "%en 8mmett cras%ed at my place after t%e failed "eddin$' %eard %is p%one $o off e)ery fuc1in$ minute* .3ea%'. %e mutters* .&%e blames cold feet* (%ate)er* 'm not ready*. &ub2ect closed* C%an$in$ t%e topic' "e tal1 a little more about Bella's )isit' and 8mmett %alts me "%en need %im* . t'll be $ood' Cullen'. %e si$%s and stands up* .>ust $i)e it time* 'm $onna $o to bed*. nod* .'Ni$%t' man*. stay up for anot%er %our or t"o and 2ust t%in1 about today* And it feels4it feels $ood* Considerin$* #%e start of somet%in$ $ood* %ope* start o)er-t%in1in$ a$ain* He's a $ood buddy* <od 1no"s

Chapter song Who $ou +re by 1essie 1 BPOV plop do"n on t%e couc% in >asper and my office' e9%austed' %a)in$ 2ust told Lisa e)eryt%in$ t%at %appened yesterday "it% 8d"ard* tend to pace

a lot "%en

%a)e too muc% on my mind' and Lisa al"ays lets me $et it all

out before "e $o t%rou$% e)eryt%in$ a$ain' but in more detail* . 'm a mess'. finis% "it% a si$%*

Lisa $rins "ryly* .3ou're not a mess' Bella* And you 1no" t%at* A lot %appened yesterday@ it's no "onder you're conflicted*. 7y only response is to sin1 fart%er into t%e couc%* .No"' let's $o bac1 to t%e be$innin$* 3ou told me t%at you "ere furious "%en you first arri)ed*. nod tiredly* . t%in1 "as in s%oc1, don't 1no"* t "as 2ust too muc% really %a)e no idea*

to ta1e in* Four years of %urt 2ust e9ploded/ 7aybe*. 8d"ard'

Because "%ile ')e been an$ry and %a)e e9pressed my %atred to"ard %a)en't "al1ed around for t%e past four years bein$ pissed at t%ou$%t %ad mo)ed past' clearly las%ed sa" t%e "orld* ?e$ardless' t%e s%it out4.

%a)en't* .#%e resentment %as been t%ere for years' but t%e "ay fro"n and loo1 do"n on my %ands in my lap* . t "as li1e red* t "as more %atred t%an ')e e)er felt*. .Because of t%e tattoo/. .#%at' too*.

nod* . t felt li1e a slap in t%e face* (e're displayed as some

Disney fairy tale family on %is ribca$e' but all t%is time4 t%ou$%t %e didn't $i)e a s%it* And to mar1 %is o"n body "it%4me4after t%e crap %e did to me/ 3ea%' t%at %urt* 'm not t%e person ,#in1erbell in1ed on %im4 6$%' am once "as' and to see t%at totally "eird for bein$ an$ry/.

palm my face and $lance at Lisa bet"een my fin$ers* .Definitely not*. &%e s%a1es %er %ead no and scribbles somet%in$ on %er notepad* .3ou contacted 8d"ard after Nate's birt%' and %e i$nored you "%en you came to &eattle for t%e trial* (e')e tal1ed about t%is: it's completely understandable for you to be %urt and an$ry* t doesn't matter %o" %urt %e "as %imself* >ust because %e "as $oin$ t%rou$% somet%in$ %orrible doesn't mean "%at %e did to you "as o1ay* +ne %urt doesn't

remo)e anot%er* Humans are creatures of %abit' and brea1in$ a pattern is )ery difficult* +ne email from %im "on't %elp you see t%at %e %as c%an$ed*. nod alon$' a$reein$* .&o' "%en you sa" %im yesterday' you ob)iously still sa" t%e 8d"ard you')e been used to* 3ou didn't see c%an$e or redemption,also understandable* 3ou "ill see c%an$e in time@ you're not a mind reader* 3ou can't see it ri$%t a"ay* But "%at %appened ne9t4. &%e $i)es me a pointed loo1* . 1no"'. mumble' still pissed at myself* Disappointed* . slapped %im

and 1ic1ed %im*. .3es' and t%at "asn't smart* 'm $lad you apolo$i:ed' t%ou$%' but t%at's probably somet%in$ you and 8d"ard need to tal1 about more in t%e future* Because %e said %e deser)ed it' didn't %e/. .3ea%4. si$%* . told %im %e "as "ron$,t%at no one deser)es t%at*. add internally*

8specially %im'

.#%at's $ood* +1ay4ne9t you said t%at you felt calmer,once you "ere inside t%e cabin*. (it% a slo" nod' 0uic1ly' "%ic% .3ou said4. recall %o" t%e "orst of my an$er faded pretty damn

don't really understand* "on't be able to see did see t%at,

s%ift in my seat' %esitatin$* .3ou said loo1 do"n a$ain* . t%in1

c%an$e ri$%t a"ay' but4.

something,ri$%t a"ay*. t "as li1e 8d"ard "as stripped bare@ t%ere "as no armor around %im* No "all to $et t%rou$%* .He "as so4honest*. n t%e past' it "as close to impossible to read %im* He %id so "ell* But yesterday4so ra" "it% emotions4 .He "as ner)ous and' and4e9posed/ don't 1no"' but it felt t%at "ay*. .And t%at made you rela9/.

7y bro"s 1nit to$et%er* 7ela6* little' maybe* But

suppose t%at's one "ord to $o "it%* .A

also became so conflicted,more so t%an before*

didn't e9pect %im to be so mature*. .He too1 you by surprise'. s%e says' and nod* .Did you become doubtful

or "as it a relief to see t%ose c%an$es in %im/. c%e" on my lip' t%in1in$ bac1* doubt* (ait* can't really remember feelin$ any

do remember bein$ s1eptical "%en %e tal1ed about not

bein$ addicted to %eroin' t%ou$% "e strai$%tened t%at out* .&%ould %a)e doubted %im/. as1' "orry seepin$ into me*

7aybe 'm $i)in$ %im too muc% credit/ +r not enou$%/ .8it%er "ould')e been o1ay'. Lisa tells me* . t's only sensible for you to be careful and cautious' but if you don't doubt %im,if you accept t%e c%an$e you')e seen,you "ill be more open to $i)in$ %im a c%ance*. #%at sounds4lo$ical* . t%in1, t%in1 "%at sa"* f t%at ma1es sense*. doubt %im in $eneral' but trust

.+f course it does*. &%e smiles* .3ou can't 1no" "%at you %a)en't seen yet' and 2ud$in$ by t%e past' %e %as a lot to pro)e* But t%at you're "illin$ to $i)e %im a c%ance is )ery $ood* And t%is is "%ere your understandin$ comes in* 3ou')e said t%at you understand %is reasons be%ind %is actions*. .&ur)i)al instincts'. say' noddin$* .He sa" me as a t%reat %e felt t%e understand and %ope it "ill come in time' t%ou$% it's blo" out a breat%* .He's not

need to $et rid of*. (%ic% %e did,%ars%ly* But yea%' accept* &till' t%ere's no for$i)eness* bad,as a person,but "%at %e did4. too far a"ay at t%is point* .8d"ard's not4.

.(as bad'. s%e finis%es* .And it's $reat you can see t%e difference* Not e)eryone can*. s%ru$* 8)en bac1 t%en' "%en "e "ere se)enteen' time or t"o* sa" )ulnerability and

$ood in %im* +n rare occasions' but4 did mana$e to crac1 %is s%ell a remember %o" depri)ed %e "as of affection' %o" touc%yfeely %e "as "%en "e4"%en "e "ere together* n sc%ool' %e "as also territorial and possessi)e* He "anted me to %imself* .Ho" "as it to s%o" %im pictures of Nat%an/. 7y c%ee1s %eat up' and t%ere's only one "ord comin$ to mind* .?e"ardin$*. &%e tilts %er %ead* .Ho" so/. .Because %e $ot it'. "%isper* . could feel t%at lo)e Nate* %ad finally met someone

"%o understood %o" muc%

could see it in 8d"ard' too*.

>asper and >ada adore Nate* 7y son is our 2o1ester* He ma1es people lau$% and feel better* But "%en studied 8d"ard,as %e studied t%e p%otos, felt li$%t in anot%er "ay* t "as li1e4here's a guy who sees it. 0ere's a guy who sees how precious -ate is* .3ou mean t%e "ay usually only a parent can see/. Lisa in0uires* open my mout% to spea1' but no "ords come out* 5arent. #%at's 8d"ard* He's Nate's parent* describe Nat%an' t%at's e9actly %o" &%it' is t%at too soon/ don't t%in1 ')e $rasped t%at yet' sa" %im,as my son's parent*

t%ou$% t%in1in$ bac1 on %o" it felt "%en %e couldn't find a "ord to

Am

$ettin$ a%ead of myself/

. can see you bac1trac1in$' Bella'. s%e obser)es* .Don't do t%at*. loo1 at %er' needin$ ad)ice* &%e $oes on' smilin$ $ently* .From "%at separated 8d"ard from Nat%an's fat%er*. can tell' you seem to %a)e fro"n' confused* .3ou're not

ready to tal1 about 8d"ard, mean your personal opinion of %im/. s%a1e my %ead 0uic1ly* .No "ay* (%en %e started apolo$i:in$' panic1ed* also $ot an$ry*. &o fuc1in$ an$ry*

.And t%at's understandable'. s%e tells me* . can say t%is a t%ousand times: %e %urt you' Bella* No matter %o" difficult %is life "as' %e %urt you* 'ut4you see "%at mean/ (%en you tal1 about 8d"ard as Nate's dad' you're calm and open* t's "%en "e brin$ up 8d"ard,as t%e $uy you tried to %elp,t%at you close in on yourself*. And do $et it* feel

(e spend anot%er %our tal1in$ about all t%is' and by t%e end of it' better* 7y t%ou$%ts %a)e cleared' and Lisa tells me t%at $oes for t%e resentment and %urt feel*

2ust need time

to let e)eryt%in$ settle* #ime "ill %elp me* (ounds %eal "it% time* &ame need to $i)e 8d"ard a c%ance to e9plain %imself,at a pace "e bot% feel comfortable* f %e really %as c%an$ed,"%ic% 'm willing to belie)e, %ope to mo)e past t%is one day* n e)ery "ay possible* Before Lisa lea)es and "ait' "%at return to "or1' s%e as1s me "%at my plan is intend to do let t%em meet' and "%at it "ould

about introducin$ 8d"ard to Nat%an* &%e "onders %o" lon$ "ant to 1no" before ta1e for me to trust 8d"ard as Nate's dad*

Honestly' t%ere's no time frame* 'd li1e to 1no" more about 8d"ard's reco)ery' and but need to 1no" t%is is somet%in$ %e "ants permanently* &o far' %e %asn't done anyt%in$ to ma1e me belie)e t%is is only temporary' "ant to ma1e sure* ')e only met %im t%is once' after all*

7y %ope is t%at a fe" con)ersations on t%e p%one and dri)in$ out to see %im some more "ill be enou$%* And "%en t%at 8d"ard and tell Lisa t%is' s%e su$$ests try to create a routine to$et%er for tal1in$ to eac%

ot%er* t doesn't %a)e to be for )ery lon$' t%ou$% it s%ould be often* #%at "ay' "e "ill $et used to t%e fact t%at our li)es "ill be fore)er tied to$et%er* (e %a)e a son to$et%er' and for %is sa1e' =C38= .Nat%an;. %oller from t%e 1itc%en* .#ime for bed;. "ant t%is to "or1*

.'ut, *ommy4) %e complains* 'm "illin$ to bet %is eyes are $lued to t%e flat screen in t%e li)in$ room* #%e boy can't $et enou$% of %is super%eroes* Batman' &uperman' Captain America' &piderman' you name it* )I'm not sleepy4) snic1er to myself and "ipe do"n t%e counter* After dinner and Nate's bat%' stron$* t ta1es a "%ile' but e)entually mana$e to c%ase do"n Nat%an after a made a pie for Nat%an's teac%er* t's %er birt%day tomorro"' and Nate insisted %e'd brin$ somet%in$* His crus% on 7iss C%elsea is $oin$

fe" fits of $i$$les around t%e li)in$ room* #%ro"in$ %im o)er my s%oulder' carry %is s0uealin$ self into t%e bat%room and $et %is teet% brus%ed* #%en' "%en "e're done in t%ere' toss %im on t%e bed* .3ou' Captain Nate' are a %andful'. tease and pinc% %is little butt* us%er %im into %is room and playfully

He $i$$les as

tuc1 %is co)ers under %is c%in* . 'm not Captain Nate $ot a ne" name today*. $rin and 1neel by %is bed* .+1ay' so "%at's

anymo'' 7ommy; .(%y am

not surprised/.

t%e ne" name/ Bat Nate/ &pider Nat%an/. .7iss C%elsea %elp-ed me'. %e says proudly* . t's,7ommy' you $otta drum*. smac1 myself on t%e fore%ead* .Ho" could my fin$ers a$ainst %is bed frame' "%ene)er %e declares %is ne" name* His face li$%ts up* . t's &uper Kid;. lau$% and clap my %ands* .#%at's so cool' %oney*. . 1no"'. %e says solemnly* .Did you ma1e t%e pie for 7iss C%elsea/. . did* +ne bi$ stra"berry pie*. ')e ne)er been a fan of fro:en stra"berries' but t%ey "or1 2ust fine "%en you use t%em in pies* He $i)es me %is toot%y $rin* .+1ay* <ood* #%an1 you*. .3ou're "elcome'. dreams*. .Lo)e you' 7ommy* Don't for$et t%is muc%*. He %olds %is %ands apart' and estimate t%at t%e space bet"een t%em is about si9 inc%es* ma1e my c%uc1le* .All ri$%t* #ime to sleep' Nate*. stand up' for$et/; &illy me*. #appin$

$i)e %im t%e drum roll %e needs

leanin$ o)er %is body and drop a 1iss on %is fore%ead* . lo)e you* &"eet

nod dutifully and lea)e t%e door open about si9 inc%es before "ay bac1 to t%e 1itc%en*

.+1ay'.

si$% to myself* 8)eryt%in$ is done for tomorro"' Nate is in bed'

t%e laundry is finis%ed' t%e patient files >asper "anted me to $o o)er are complete' and 'll pac1 Nate's lunc% tomorro" mornin$* .A $lass of "ine, o%' yea%*. number* $u::le do"n some "ine before Deep breat%.'ella() Holy crap* #%e first si$nal barely came t%rou$% before %e ans"ered* .6m yea%' it's me* Hi'. say sorta ner)ously' dumbly* press dial* pour a $lass of "%ite and t%en $rab my p%one* (it% anot%er sit do"n on a stool and scroll do"n 'til see 8d"ard's contented si$%'

%ear %is e9%ale before %e responds* )0i.) &ilence* +% <od' t%is is a"1"ard* !ay something, !wan4 .Ho" are you/. you() (e bot% c%uc1le ner)ously* .Wow. We are so smooth.) let out a breat%y lau$%* .+f epic proportions*. .$eah/) blurt out 2ust as %e blurts out' )E%erything good with

ta1e anot%er sip of my "ine in order to calm do"n* .&o' "%at %a)e you done today/. #%at seems li1e a safe topic' ri$%t/ .3h, I went into town,) %e says' clearin$ %is t%roat* )8enai;not !terling. I need to ha%e a land line installed, so/ #ot a bunch o" shit done. I was there anyway, meeting up with my new therapist.) nod e)en t%ou$% %e can't see me* nternally' 'm pleased t%at %e's still seein$ a t%erapist* . tal1ed about you "it% my o"n t%erapist today'. admit' tracin$ t%e rim

of t%e $lass "it% my fin$er* . needed to clear my %ead*. ..h;so, you still/you still go to therapy() %e as1s uncertainly* c%uc1le "ryly* . doubt 'll e)er stop*. .I'm sorry,) %e "%ispers* 7y eyes "iden* .No;. Fuc1' fuc1' fuc1* .#%at's not "%at &orry, 2ust4. meant' 8d"ard*

ta1e a breat%* . t's not because of4e)eryt%in$ in t%e lau$% a"1"ardly' %alf lyin$* (%ile it's true t%at still li1e it* Ho"e)er' "it% need Lisa*

past* ?i$%t no" it's more because it %elps 1eep my stuff to$et%er* Lisa is my security blan1et'. don't necessarily need counselin$ anymore' t%e recent de)elopments4yea%'

don't "ant 8d"ard to feel bad because of that' t%ou$%* n an attempt to li$%ten t%e tension' tal1 about Nat%an instead* .Did you

1no" t%at Nate as1ed me to buy t%irty-t"o birt%day candles today/. crin$e at my less-t%an-subtle c%an$e of topic* .Wh:what() %e c%uc1les*

rela9 and smile* .Nat%an %as a crus% on %is teac%er' and it's %er t%irtysecond birt%day tomorro"* &o' %e told me t%at %e "anted to $i)e %er a bi$ ca1e "it% t%irty-t"o candles*. 8d"ard lau$%s 0uietly* ).lder women, huh( I see. !o/did you get the candles() .No*. s%a1e my %ead' amused* . did ba1e %er a pie' t%ou$%*. t%in1 %ear %im li$%tin$ up a ci$arette* +r' nearly snort at t%at' a $rin on my face*

.Cool.) n t%e bac1$round'

u%' maybe %e's li$%tin$ a candle/

)3m/can you tell me something else() .About Nate/. He blo"s out a breat%* )$eah;i" you don't mind.) . don't mind*. $rin* .But you're $onna %a)e to narro" it do"n' Cullen*

Anyt%in$ in particular/. He %ums* ) here's nothing I don't want to know, so how about the beginning() His "ords flo" easier no"' but ner)ous* )3h, his birth() . t %urt li1e a mot%erfuc1er'. deadpan' and $et anot%er c%uc1le from can still detect t%at %e's

%im* #%at's $ood* .+1ay' %is birt%4. I curse the "ucking epidural, stating loudly that it doesn't do shit "or me. In the meantime, 1asper tries to hide his amusement. 1ada glares at him, though, and he's 9uick to look apologetic. ..h, my #od4) I cry out as another contraction hits me. .-ot yet, 'ella,) the doctor tells me. )Don't push yet.) .I need,) I pant, )I need to puuush4)

.<od' it "as painful'. because

say to 8d"ard' lettin$ out a si$%* . can lau$% e)en t%reatened to sue t%e %ospital' snic1er and s%a1e my %ead* .#%e "anted

about it no"' but bac1 t%en/ >esus*

"as sure t%e epidural "as,li1e4 don't 1no"' a placebo/

"ondered "%y t%ey "anted me to die*. to stomp on %is balls*. ..uch'. 8d"ard c%uc1les*

doctor told me it "as a 0uic1 labor* &i9 %ours is not%in$' %e said*

ima$ine %im "incin$* #%en %is %umor is $one'

and it's replaced "it% appre%ension* )Were;were you alone() he doctor tells me to push= I push. here's little else I can or want to do. I scream when I can "inally breathe again. .$ou're doin' so well, honey,) 1asper murmurs, and I s9uee,e his hand as hard as I can. ).h, good #od;that hurts, 'ella.) 1ada and I throw him looks that could 9uite possibly kill. .-ot. +nother. Word,) I seethe. .Ignore him, 'ella,) 1ada says and wipes my "orehead. )Come on. $ou can do this.) .5ush4) the doctor encourages, though it was unnecessary. I'm already pushing4 .No'. say softly* .>ada and >asper "ere t%ere* 6m' C%arlotte's uncle/.

He clears %is t%roat* )$eah, I'%e heard o" him. $ou li%e with him, right() .(e "or1 to$et%er' but %e li)es "it% %is "ife,t%at's >ada,and t%eir t"o dau$%ters'. ans"er* . li)e "it% Nate a couple bloc1s a"ay*.

..h. .h, okay.) He pauses* )!o/the birth()

.?i$%t*.

nod* .#%at last pus%4 4t%ere's no describin$ it*

remember t%e %eard

sound' t%e feelin$' t%e burn4and t%en all t%at faded a"ay "%en Nat%an's "ail*.

I'm a sweaty, aching, panting, sobbing mess, but I don't care. +s the nurse gently places the little bundle on my chest, he's the only one who matters. For months, I'%e known that I was ha%ing a boy, and now he's here. 1ada smiles through her tears and runs a chilled cloth o%er my "orehead and cheeks. )0e's so cute.) !he sni""les. )1asper, come here= take a picture.) 1asper, who is still beaming with pride a"ter ha%ing cut the umbilical cord, walks around the bed, camera in hand. *y eyes are still locked on my little baby. .I lo%e you,) I whimper hoarsely. )I lo%e you so much.) remember spendin$ t%e follo"in$ days cryin$* it "as in %appiness or sadness' "as sufferin$ from postpartum depression* o)er"%elmed to 1eep my emotions at bay* 8d"ard' myself4 cried for e)eryt%in$* >ell-+ instead of $reen* .'ella() +%' s%it* .&orry' 'm %ere*. reac% for my "ine* .<ot lost in a memory*. ne)er stopped* (%et%er "as too

cried for so lon$ t%at >ada "as afraid "asn't' but cried for Nat%an' my parents'

cried "%en t%ey brou$%t me red

.#ood or bad() %e as1s softly* (%ere sit in t%e 1itc%en' can see t%e "all in t%e %all"ay "%ere %a)e

p%otos from Nat%an's birt%days* ')e made a tradition t%at eac% birt%day'

ta1e four p%otos t%at

put up on t%e "all* +ne "%ere %e %as 2ust "o1en

up in t%e mornin$' one "%ere %e opens presents' one "%ere %e eats ca1e' and one "%ere 'm in t%e s%ot' too* 7emories of Nat%an are al"ays t%e $ood 1ind* .<ood'. respond 0uietly*

.#ood,) %e ec%oes 2ust as 0uietly* For a "%ile' 8d"ard and Aside from %is birt%' 1eep tal1in$ about memories %a)e of Nate*

also tell %im about Nate's first "ord,"%ic% "as

.ball.' .7ama. bein$ a close second,%is first step' and %o" %e "ouldn't stop screamin$ "%en %e "as teet%in$' unless %e %ad a teet%in$ rin$ to c%e" on* (%en only did for t%em* #%e sales lady probably t%ou$%t #%en "as a nut-2ob* tell 8d"ard t%is' ma1e %im lau$% "%en did it "%en "as at t%e store and as1ed embarrassin$ly admit t%at first called a teet%in$ rin$ a c%e" toy* Not

call it a c%e" toy' but

ta1e Lisa's ad)ice and as1 8d"ard if "e can call eac% ot%er around

nine 57 e)ery ni$%t* t "ill be a perfect "ay for 8d"ard to find out more about Nat%an' and it "ill be my "ay to let 8d"ard into our li)es* 8d"ard a$rees ri$%t a"ay and t%en as1s me "%en %e can see me a$ain* .Ho" about Friday/. early' "ait* Do you "or1/. %ere* But "%at do su$$est* t's my day off' and if %adn't t%ou$%t of t%at' but 1no"/ lea)e Anc%ora$e

can ma1e it bac1 before Nate comes %ome from presc%ool* .+%' assumed,for some mean' %e 2ust mo)ed

reason,t%at %e %adn't $otten around to t%at yet*

.-o, no;Friday's good,) %e says 0uic1ly* )What time()

. could al"ays brin$ lunc%4/.

c%e" on my lip' "aitin$ for %is response* need to brin$* Nat%an's baby also %a)e a fe" scrapboo1s

also ma1e a mental list of ot%er t%in$s

boo1' of course* 7aybe some %ome )ideos* &tuff li1e t%at*

t%at ')e made from special occasions,suc% as Nate's first )isit to a :oo*

.Don't "eel like you ha%e to,) 8d"ard responds* )3h, I can't cook "or shit, but I can always pick something up.) c%uc1le* . 'll brin$ lunc%* Around noon/. .!ure.) He lets out a breat%* ) hank you, 'ella. For all o" this.) .Don't say it@ s%o" it instead* #%is can be $ood for bot% of us*. .I know;I'm trying,) %e "%ispers* smile* . can tell' 8d"ard*. #%is "as 2ust our first con)ersation on t%e p%one* +)er t%e ne9t fe" days' "e call eac% ot%er once ')e put Nate to bed* t's strictly about Nat%an' "%ic% ma1es it easier for me* 7aybe for us bot%' because seems to rela9 a little "it% eac% p%one call' and soa1in$ up t%e stories too* Before 1no" it' it's t%e day before 'm dri)in$ out to see 8d"ard a$ain' t%in1 ot%er topics "ould be too %ea)y to discuss on t%e p%one* 8it%er "ay' 8d"ard can tell t%at %e's s%are about Nate* n turn' t%at ma1es me rela9'

and "e')e been on t%e p%one for t%e past %alf %our* .5oor hamster.) He snic1ers* .5oor %amster/; 5oor me;. me all t%e time;. 3ea%' no' cry out bet"een lau$%s* .#%e little fuc1er bit can't say t%at miss Nate's %amster* . t used lo"er my )oice to a

to bite >ada' too* But ne)er >asper or Nate*. #%en

"%isper' . t%in1 it "as $ay*. And 8d"ard bar1s out a lau$%* .(%at/ 'm serious; t %ated $irls' but boys "ere cuddlers or somet%in$*. . hat's what you get "or buying a little rat, 'ella,) %e c%uc1les* )E%en a cat would'%e been better. 'Cause I'm thinking the smaller animal, the smaller the brain is.) $i$$le* .Hey' Nate lo)ed t%at little fur ball*. .*ore than he would'%e lo%ed a real pet() %e teases* .3ou $otta ta1e care of t%e pet' too' Cullen*. t%at point' can't e9actly e9pect Nate to do it*. .I actually ha%e a dog now.) #%at 1inda surprises me* .?eally/ (%at 1ind/. .+ black &abrador. a,. I adopted him a little while ago;he's si6 years old. +nd he's great to ha%e in the "ucking wilderness.) (o"* .&o' if you run into a blac1 bear out t%ere' you belie)e #a: "ill sa)e you/. .E6actly4) %e lau$%s* )-ah, truth be told, a, probably couldn't hurt a "ly. 0e's a la,y 'ole "uck. .h, but he does lo%e to hunt birds.) can't %elp but lau$%' too* . see* &o' no flies' but birds are cool/. He c%uc1les' about to say somet%in$' but t%en %e s%outs out,a"ay from t%e p%one* )What the "uck, a,(4) He $roans* )+w, man.) .(%at's "ron$/. as1' amused* already 1ne" %e "as outside' 'cause $rin "ryly to myself* .At

didn't %a)e time to "al1 a do$ or ta1e care of a cat* And

can %ear t%e "inds e)ery no" and t%en' not to mention "%ene)er 8d"ard

ta1es a dra$ on %is ci$arette* &o' if %e %as a do$' %e's out t%ere' too*

$uess

can assume

.!peak o" dead birds and they shall appear,) %e mutters* you laugh it up, !wan.) +%' minutes( I gotta get rid o" the "eathers "rom a,'s mouth.) stifle my lau$%* .+1ay* Ha)e fun;. .0a%e "un,) %e mimics in a $irly )oice* c%uc1lin$* For t%e ne9t fe" minutes' dis%"as%er* t%e free:er t%at

snic1er* )$eah,

am* )&isten, can I call you back in ten

lau$% %arder' and %e %an$s up'

occupy my time "it% emptyin$ t%e don't could

also prepare Nate's snac1s and brin$ out t%e sausa$es from plan to use tomorro" for 8d"ard and my lunc%* "anted to use %is 1itc%en' but fi$ured

t%in1 %e "ould protest if

brin$ somet%in$ li$%t for tomorro"* &o' before

ta1e off' 'm ma1in$ a

pasta salad "it% c%ori:o' oli)es' feta' tomatoes' and fres% baby spinac%* #o $o "it% it all' 'm stoppin$ by t%e ba1ery do"n t%e street tomorro" mornin$ to pic1 up a loaf of t%eir :ucc%ini bread' "%ic% is to die for* (%en t%e p%one rin$s a$ain' ta1e a 0uic1 pee1 at t%e cloc1 on t%e "all

and see t%at it's only been nine minutes* t's "it% a $rin pic1 up t%e p%one* tease* .&o' did you $et rid of all t%e feat%ers/.

.A minute early' 8d"ard'. .3m, 'ella( It's 7iley.)

Chapter song 0ow to !a%e a &i"e by he Fray EPOV (%en see Bella pullin$ into t%e dri)e"ay' lea)e t%e cabin to meet %er*

'm ner)ous and 2ittery' but t%e p%one calls "e')e %ad o)er t%e past fe" days %a)e really %elped* At t%e same time' t%ey')e made me p%ysically ac%e* #%ere's not%in$ "ant more no" t%an to see Nat%an* .Hi;. s%e $reets "it% a bi$ smile as pa2amas today' %u%/. Fuc1 me* t%in1 'm blus%in$* (%at am ' a sc%ool $irl/ fi$ured 2eans and a $rey 0uip' t%e corners of my close t%e "al1 do"n t%e porc% steps* .No

But no* 'm not "earin$ pa2amas t%is time* %oodie "ere more appropriate* .Funny you'.

mout% tu$$in$ up"ard* &eein$ t%e containers s%e's carryin$' distance bet"een us* .Here' let me %elp you "it% t%at*.

.#%an1 you*. &%e $i)es me anot%er smile and "e %ead bac1 to t%e cabin* ma1e a mental note to clear t%e dri)e"ay of sno" later* .By t%e "ay' "as t%at 8mmett sa" lea)in$/ could')e s"orn it "as*. %a)e be%ind

.3ea%' it "as %im*. He's %elpin$ me set up s%op in t%e s%ed

t%e cabin* ')e ordered tools' materials' and %ea)ier e0uipment* Honestly'

don't %a)e e)eryt%in$ mapped out yet' but 'm more t%an ready to be$in* 7y fin$ers itc% at t%e mere t%ou$%t of "ood"or1in$* Any"ay' since "ant pri)acy "it% Bella ri$%t no"' 8mmett offered to pic1 up t%e circular sa" and t%e s%ipment of soft"oods ')e ordered* Holdin$ t%e door open for Bella' ?osalie*. .?ose/. &%e fro"ns up at me* .(o"' %o" is s%e/ finis% t%e sentence* &%e doesn't need to* 'Cause %a)en't tal1ed to %er already 1no" t%at s%e add' .He's li)in$ "it% me 'til %e's fi$ured out "%at to do about

since4. Her bro"s 1nit to$et%er before s%e loo1s do"n' and s%e doesn't %asn't tal1ed to ?osalie since t%e day s%e left For1s* sa" ?osalie a fe" times after "as released from prison' and can't say

muc% %ad c%an$ed bet"een us* C%arlotte' ?osalie' and Bella "ere ti$%t bac1 in t%e day' but t%e t%ree are completely different no"adays* (%ile C%arlotte sa" c%an$e in me immediately' ?osalie didn't* &%e barely spo1e to me' and t%e loo1s s%e $a)e me %eld not%in$ but contempt and disdain* .&%e's4. c%uc1le dar1ly and %ead to"ard t%e 1itc%en* Bella follo"s* . 'm

"illin$ to bet e)eryt%in$ suc1s for %er ri$%t no"*. And Bella4s%e's in t%e middle of t%e t%ree' "%ic% is understandable* &%e %as Nat%an to loo1 after' so s%e's cautious about mo)in$ too fast* 5lus' s%e's t%e one actually %urt* Not ?osalie or C%arlotte* But Bella's $i)in$ me a s%ot@ s%e's "illin$ to $i)e me an %onest c%ance to pro)e myself* For "%ic% 'm eternally $rateful* .(%y "ould t%in$s suc1 for %er ri$%t no"/. s%e as1s as %appen/. .3ea%' you could say t%at*. nod and lean bac1 a$ainst t%e counter set do"n t%e

containers on t%e 1itc%en island* &%e's still fro"nin$* .Did somet%in$

be%ind me* .&%e left 8m at t%e altar*.

.No;. Her eyes "iden* .(%at,"%y4/ &o' tell %er*

don't $et it*.

tell %er about ?osalie droppin$ out of colle$e to be "it% tell %er t%at 8mmett proposed and t%at ?osalie

8mmett*

tell %er t%at t%ey li)ed to$et%er,%appily,and planned t%eir

future to$et%er in For1s*

said yes,a t%ousand times yes,and t%en %o" it all fell apart on t%eir "eddin$ day* No "arnin$' no note' no not%in$* 8m s%o"ed up at t%e c%urc%' dressed to t%e nines' and bot% families "ere $at%ered' as "ell as a fe" friends* And t%e bride "as a no-s%o"* .+%' my <od'. s%e mutters' s%a1in$ %er %ead* . can't belie)e it* (ere you t%ere/. $rimace* . "as in)ited' and 8m "anted me to be %is best man' but $oin$ bac1 to For1s4. No' t%an1 you* fe" times' but 2ust couldn't,still can't* tried a ne)er $ot )ery far* After t%e s%it pulled in 5ort An$eles'

can barely stomac% t%e t%ou$%t of $oin$ t%ere eit%er* &o' For1s is definitely out of t%e 0uestion* . $et it'. s%e says 0uietly' loo1in$ do"n for a moment* .&o,crap' 'm still processin$*. &%e c%uc1les a little' seemin$ly da:ed* .&%e 2ust left %im t%ere/. 5retty muc%* n my opinion' ?osalie is a cold-%earted bitc%* .7an' %ope t%ey can "or1 it out* remember %o" badly s%e "anted Los An$eles and 6CLA' but it also 1illed %er to be a"ay from 8mmett*. fro"n* . 1no" s%e "as your friend' but see it* can't really see it t%e "ay you

t%in1 8mmett deser)es somet%in$ better*.

At t%at' Bella faces me "it% fire in %er eyes* t's not an$er' but it's somet%in$ intense* 5assion/ For "%at' don't 1no"*

.But "%at if s%e made a mista1e' Cullen/. s%e as1s curiously' still "it% t%at smolderin$ t%in$ $oin$ on in %er eyes* .(%at if s%e $ot cold feet and too1 t%e easy "ay out/. stare at %er' a sin1in$ feelin$ in t%e pit of my

$ut tellin$ me t%at s%e is about to ma1e one %ellu)a point* .Doesn't s%e deser)e a second c%ance/. &%e tilts %er %ead* s"allo" %ard' unable to brea1 a"ay from %er $a:e* .(as "%at s%e did so aw"ul t%at it can ne)er be for$i)en/ f s%e pro%es %erself4. &%e $rits %er teet% to$et%er* . f s%e ta1es t%e conse0uences and pro)es %o" sorry s%e is4. Fuc1* 3ea%' Bella's not really tal1in$ about ?osalie %ere* ')e made mista1es,%orrifyin$ ones,and Bella's currently $i)in$ me a second c%ance* And 1no" all too "ell about ta1in$ t%e easy "ay out* made' Bella's %ere* (it% lunc%* (it% a ba$ full of

Despite t%ose mista1es albums of Nat%an*

.3ou see it' don't you/. s%e "%ispers* release a breat% and nod "it% a dip of my c%in' a)ertin$ my eyes to t%e floor* is4 Li1e my t%erapist in &eattle told me a $a:illion times: %umans ma1e mista1es* (e're fallible and imperfect* .Hey' 'm sorry'. s%e says' mo)in$ in my perip%ery* loo1 up at %er in do see it* (%ile personally don't li1e ?osalie' %a)e no ri$%t to say t%at 8mmett deser)es better* f4yea%' i"4s%e s%o"s %o" sorry s%e

0uestion' "onderin$ "%at t%e %ell s%e %as to be sorry for* . didn't mean to lecture you or anyt%in$* >ust sayin$ my opinion* 3ou 1no" more of t%eir story t%an do-.

cut %er off "it% a s%a1e of my %ead* .3ou're ri$%t* &eriously* see it t%at "ay*. c%ances*. 7aybe

2ust didn't

smile carefully* . ' for one' am t%an1ful for second

can tal1 to 8mmett about t%is later,let %im see it from Bella's

perspecti)e* .&o am '. s%e responds softly and $rabs one of t%e containers* . %ope you're %un$ry@ made "ay too muc% of t%is*.

'm still stuc1 on %er first sentence* .(%at do you mean' so are you/. as1' $enuinely curious* As far as 1no"' t%ere's no reason for Bella to e)en as1 for a second c%ance* +1ay' s%e slapped me and 1ic1ed me in t%e nuts' but s%e s%o"ed me after"ard t%at s%e re$retted it' and s%e apolo$i:ed* s t%ere more/ Bella 2ust s%ru$s and lifts off t%e lid of t%e rat%er lar$e #upper"are bo"l* #%e smell instantly %its me' causin$ my stomac% to rumble* Fuc1' t%at loo1s delicious* t's some pasta salad "it% a bunc% of stuff mi9ed in* .(e')e all made our s%are of mista1es' %a)en't "e/ Bi$ or small* n $eneral*. Anot%er little s%ru$* .(e fuc1 up at times*. And decide t%at Bella &"an %as to be t%e most understandin$ person on

t%is planet* .Did you study psyc%olo$y in colle$e/. blurt out*

7y 0uestion seems to surprise %er' and a lau$% slips t%rou$% %er lips,lips 'm tryin$ not to loo1 at* (%at/ Don't fuc1in$ 2ud$e me* ')e been ase9ual for t%e past4since 'ella le"t Forks* Boo:e' self-%atred' trials' dru$s' parents dyin$' prison' more s%it4yea%' t%at stuff doesn't e9actly lea)e a man %orny* time touc%ed my o"n dic1 after Bella and t%in1 t%e first last fu,oh, you don't wanna

go down that road, Cullen* #rue* Any"ay4my body started "a1in$ up

"%en

started ma1in$ a real reco)ery' "%ic% means 2ust mont%s a$o* Not

years' but mont%s* But bac1 to Bella' "%o's still c%uc1lin$* .No* colle$e*. &%e snorts* .Hell' +%* don't really 1no" %o" to respond to t%at' and 'm not sure s%e "ants to tal1 about more personal stuff* &o far' "e')e mostly tal1ed about Nat%an* &o4 bac1trac1 a little and continue "it% my first obser)ation* . t's 2ust t%at you seem so understandin$'. e9plain* didn't study psyc%olo$y in

didn't go to colle$e*.

.Counselin$ %elps'. s%e teases and playfully elbo"s me in t%e side* .7y t%erapist bac1 in 7emp%is %elped me "it% all t%at* Lisa' too,t%e "oman see no"*. don't t%in1 s%e $i)es %erself enou$% credit* .But enou$% about t%at* 3ou "anna eat/. 6nfortunately' don't %a)e time to reply to t%at' 'cause a son$ be$ins and

it's ob)iously %er p%one* +ll I wanna do is "ind a way back into lo%e I can't make it through without a way back into lo%e raise a bro" at t%e lyrics but say not%in$ as Bella curses under %er breat% and fumbles "it% %er p%one* . 'm sorry*. Her c%ee1s flus% scarlet* .C%eesy s%it, didn't pic1 it* t's from a mo)ie' and4. &%e "a)es it off' loo1in$ uncomfortable* .Fuc1in$ c%ic1 flic1*. As s%e taps a fin$er on t%e p%one' screen* 7iley. catc% a name on t%e

can feel %o" my face falls' %o" my %ope deflates' and "%y* !ure you do, Cullen. his is inks we're talking about. s%a1e my %ead internally* #%is is about Nat%an* myself or e)en dream about t%e unattainable* $eah, 'cause the heart always listens to the mind. Fuc1* need a smo1e*

don't e)en 1no"

refuse to $et a%ead of

Before Bella loo1s up' smile* .Boyfriend/.

mana$e to compose my e9pression*

force a

2ust %ad to fuc1in$ as1' didn't / .(%at/. &%e fro"ns' and t%en %er eyes "iden* .+%; No* +%' no* Nope*. &%e c%uc1les' t%ou$% it sounds as forced as my smile feels* .6%4no* No* <od' no*. Ho" many .no.s "ere t%ere' really/ +ne too many/ Definitely* +f course Bella's not sin$le* 1esus Christ. Does t%is mean t%ere's a man playin$ Daddy to my son/ #%at t%ou$%t ma1es my insides c%urn* . 'm really sorry'. s%e apolo$i:es a$ain* . 'm turnin$ t%is off no"*. Desperate to li$%ten t%e tension and $et rid of t%e depressin$ s%it sur$in$ t%rou$% me' say t%e first t%in$ t%at comes to mind* . 'm surprised you sure as %ell don't*. <od' 'm so fuc1in$ lame* %a)e reception out %ere* mean4loo1 at %er*

Bella probably t%in1s 'm lame' too' but s%e doesn't call me out on it* nstead s%e says' .But "e')e tal1ed o)er t%e p%one*. lau$% a little t%rou$% my nose* .(%en 'm on t%e porc%' t%ere's one bar on my p%one* t's t%e best ')e mana$ed out %ere*. .+%4. &%e loo1s pensi)e* .But4"ait' so you')e been standin$ out t%ere'. s%e points a fin$er in t%e direction of t%e door' ."%ile "e')e tal1ed/. nod slo"ly' "onderin$ "%at's "ron$ "it% t%at* . t's free:in$;. s%e e9claims* 7y only response is a s%ru$* 7y land line "ill be installed in a fe" days' and t%ere "as no "ay "as $onna %old off tal1in$ to Bella 'til t%en* "ear a fuc1in$ 2ac1et* as1' noddin$ at %er s%utmean' come on* Besides' .Do

%a)e a personal rin$ tone on t%at t%in$/.

off p%one* &%e finally $rins' and t%in1 "e're past t%e moment of ma2or

a"1"ardness* .(ouldn't you li1e to 1no"/. Actually' do* 6nless t%ere's a son$ called' .5at%etic Loser. and s%e call

pic1ed it* f s%e c%ose a son$ li1e t%at' 'm definitely relie)ed t%at tones on cell p%ones' ri$%t/ #%e last t%in$ sure

%er on %er %ome p%one at ni$%t* 'Cause you can only personali:e rin$

"ant is for Nat%an to "a1e up to t%ose lyrics* 'm pretty

already %a)e an epic stru$$le a%ead of me to "in o)er my o"n son*

No need to add more fuel to t%at fire* 1no" 'm bein$ stupid no"* &%e "ouldn't $o "it% a son$ li1e t%at* <oddamn' 'm really messed up*

.No" you $otta spill' &"an'.

tell %er' plasterin$ a smir1 on my face*

&%e stares at me for a second or t"o' maybe contemplatin$' and t%en s%e turns on %er p%one a$ain and says' .<imme a call and find out*. 3ea%' and do t%at 0uic1ly* 5ullin$ out my p%one' scroll do"n until

reac% .#in1s.* As soon as %ear t%e unmista1able sound of >imi Hendri9's $uitar' 'm often too1 Bella to in For1s*

flooded "it% memories of t%e old cabin

4 here must be some kind o" way out o" here !aid the 2oker to the thie" here's too much con"usion I can't get no relie"/ remember tellin$ %er t%at t%is "as my 1ind of music* >imi Hendri9' B*B Kin$' #%e Doors' Van 7orrison' 7uddy (aters4 Bob Dylan may %a)e "ritten t%is particular son$' but Hendri9 %as t%is s%it do"n* 4 here are so many here among us Who "eel that li"e is but a 2oke 'ut you and I, we'%e been through that +nd this is not our "ate/ .?emember/. s%e as1s 0uietly* .3ea%*. clear my t%roat and stic1 my %ands into my poc1ets* .Feels li1e

a lifetime a$o*.

&%e smiles ruefully* . t sorta "as*. +r anot%er life entirely* .+1ay'. s%e si$%s' poc1etin$ %er p%one* .8nou$% of t%e %ea)y for a "%ile/. nod' t%an1ful* . 'm star)in$*.

&o am * 7y 1itc%en feels pretty spacious' but "it% t%e 1itc%en island in t%e middle of t%e room' t%ere's no space left for a 1itc%en table* &o' %a)e t%at in t%e li)in$ room* And once ')e set t%e table in t%ere' "e sit do"n across from eac% ot%er to eat* 89pectin$ us to tal1 about Nat%an' 'm a little s%oc1ed "%en s%e as1s about my e9perience "it% t%erapy* 7y s%oc1 is "ritten all o)er my face for a moment@ Bella notices' so s%e e9plains t%at s%e 2ust "ants to 1no" %o" ')e been reco)erin$* &%e's bein$ a protecti)e mot%er' it fills me "it% %ope t%at s%e'll allo" me to see Nat%an soon* &ince don't %a)e anyt%in$ to %ide' $o t%rou$% it all* tell %er about my reali:e' and

first t%erapist' "%o definitely "asn't a bad $uy@ it's 2ust t%at "e "eren't on t%e same pa$e* +r rat%er' speed* +ne day s"itc%ed from one pa$e to anot%er at a cra:y "as too "as tal1in$ "as so ready to 2ust %eal' anot%er day

consumed by my cynical t%ou$%ts' and t%e )ery ne9t day about ta1in$ t%in$s slo"er* ?eally' be$innin$' for instance' my reco)ery "as permanent,t%at

"as a li)in$ rollercoaster* n t%e )ery only "anted to see t%is $uy once a

"anted to ta1e t%in$s so slo"ly,to ensure t%at

mont%* n turn' %e told me t%at a slo",or steady@ t%e "ord %e used, reco)ery didn't mean fe"er sessions eac% mont%* And t%is pissed me off* At t%at point' "as still unstable and )olatile* 7y fuse my too s%ort and t%e e9plosions "ere massi)e* 8)eryt%in$ could set me off* (%en opened up to my t%erapist about my past' e)eryt%in$ 2ust spilled

out of me* #%ere "as no stoppin$* Ho"e)er' t%e $uy told me my limit %ad

been reac%ed after t"o %ours' and t%at of course an$ered me* "%o "as t%is douc%e to tell me about my o"n limits/ (%at

mean'

reali:ed pretty 0uic1ly "as t%at %is office "all "asn't littered "it% distinctly "as bro1e do"n "%en $ot bac1 to t%e condo t%at day*

diplomas' de$rees' and certificates for no reason* Because remember %o" a fuc1in$ mess' sure t%at Jana9* 5oppin$ pills "as somet%in$ since didn't* out* sa" as a "ea1ness@ yes'

"as %a)in$ a %eart attac1 or somet%in$* n

reality' it "as a panic attac1 and my t%erapist "rote out a prescription for

see t%e irony too1 it

"as later arrested for possession of %eroin* But "%ate)er* lied' statin$ t%at

as an insult "%en %e "anted me to ta1e pills in order to $et better* &o' %ad ta1en t%em' and 1ept pourin$ my %eart 2ust needed to tell t%e "%ole fuc1in$ story*

7y attac1s started pilin$ up' "%ic% 2ust fueled my an$er and frustration* #%ou$%' continued $oin$*

7y t%erapist started tellin$ me all about "ron$ and ri$%t' actions and conse0uences' blamin$ and ta1in$ blame' o"nin$ one's mista1es4 2ust s%attered* Firstly' because t%ese "ere t%in$s Here "as t%is $uy' tellin$ me t%in$s badly already 1ne"' alt%ou$% felt li1e a little 1id* ne)er really $rasped anyt%in$* &econdly' because

"as sure a toddler 1ne"* +1ay'

maybe not' but still* And t%irdly' because it made me reali:e %o" fuc1in$ %ad %urt t%e people around me*

$ot a conscience* And t%at's "%en said .Fuc1 it all. and escaped*

.#%en you $ot arrested s%ortly after'. s%e concludes 0uietly*

nod and loo1 do"n at my empty plate* .?i$%t no"4. t%in1 about my "ords* .No" or e)en a "%at-t%e-fuc1 loo1* nstead see silent understandin$* dis$uise*. C%ancin$ a $lance at Bella'

lic1 my lips and

can see t%at prison "as a blessin$ in assumed 'd see surprise' s%oc1'

.5rison $rounded you'. s%e says casually* . $et it*. &%e s%ru$s* . assume you %ad counselin$ "%ile loc1ed up/. nod* .?i$%t' "ell' you couldn't e9actly escape t%ose sessions* 3ou didn't %a)e a c%oice but to $o' and you %ad to do it at t%eir pace* #%ey laid do"n t%e rules*. #%at about sums it up' yea%* . "ent t%rou$% an$er mana$ement' too'. say 0uietly' reac%in$ for a $rimace*

slice of t%e :ucc%ini bread* .And $roup t%erapy,"%ic%4. t%in$*

&ittin$ t%ere in a $roup' tal1in$ about .)entin$ %ealt%ily.4not really my

.<roup t%erapy isn't for e)erybody'. s%e c%uc1les* .But it %elps many,to %ear t%at you're not t%e only one $oin$ t%rou$% %ell*. open my mout% and t%en close it* But in t%e end .Did you $o to a $roup/. &%e s%a1es %er %ead* .No' but it's a popular alternati)e at "or1* t %elps t%e "omen bond* #%ey're usually )ery reclusi)e and people-s%y "%en t%ey come to us' so $at%erin$ in $roups %elps t%em to open up*. #%ere's no "ay can't as1 about %er 2ob no"* .(%at is it you do/. "or1 can't %elp but as1*

.+%; Ha)en't told you t%at' %a)e /. &%e smiles s%eepis%ly* .6m' "it% "omen "%o')e escaped abusi)e relations%ips*. ." course she does.

.(ell' at least you %a)e e9perience'.

mumble* Dad may not %a)e abused

Bella' but s%e "as still t%ere,in t%at en)ironment* Besides' t%ere are t"o 1inds of abuse' and 'm definitely $uilty of abusin$ %er emotionally* . t "as more of a coincidence t%at Foundation4. ended up "or1in$ in t%at field'. s%e

says* . don't 1no" if you')e %eard of (%itloc1 House and t%e (%itloc1 t%in1 about it for a second' and t%en s%a1e my %ead* But presume it %as to do "it% C%arlotte's uncle' seein$ as t%ey're (%itloc1s* .(ell' >asper o"ns it* He ta1es in "omen from all o)er t%e country, "omen "%o are on t%e run' mostly*. nod slo"ly' t%in1in$* .Ho" old is %e/. &ince %e too1 Bella in' %e %as to be older t%an us' ri$%t/ .He's t%irty-four no"'. s%e responds* .C%rist' 'm stuffed*. &%e leans bac1 in %er c%air and pats %er stomac%* .Do you "ant more/. #emptin$' but no* . 'm $ood* #%an1s for lunc%,it "as delicious*. .No "orries* t%e rest/ %ere*. -e6t time* t ne)er fails to rela9 me "%ene)er s%e says' .Ne9t time*. .6m' sure,t%an1 you'. you "ant some coffee/. +r maybe s%e %as a date "it% ?iley,fuc1in$ ass%ole,before Nat%an comes %ome from sc%ool* (%at 1ind of name is ?iley' any"ay/ 'ecause Edward is suc% a cool name. say' a little %umbled* And no' 8mmett probably can lea)e it %ere' t%ou$%' ri$%t/ 7aybe 8mmett can ta1e

can 2ust ta1e t%e containers %ome "it% me t%e ne9t time 'm

"on't see muc% of t%e food* t "as that $ood* .Are you in a rus%' or do

Fuc1 off* Bella c%ec1s %er "atc% and c%e"s on %er lip for a second or t"o* #%en s%e loo1s up and smiles* .Coffee sounds $ood*. 7y s%oulders sa$ "it% relief* About ten minutes and a smo1e later' li)in$ room "%ere Bella's "aitin$* "onder if 7iley 1no"s s%e ta1es %er coffee blac1 "it% one su$ar* $eah, a pissing contest is probably the last thing you wanna enter now. #rue* Aside from %er coffee' "%at t%e "uck do . s it o1ay if 1no"/ brin$ t"o mu$s of coffee to t%e

as1 you more about your reco)ery/. Bella as1s' "rin$in$

%er %ands in %er lap* .<o a%ead*. &%e can as1 anyt%in$* .<reat* 6m4"%at %appened "%en you $ot out of prison/. 7uc% li1e "e spent lunc%' tell %er about my t%erapy sessions and an$er let %er %ad in &eattle* #ia' a "oman in %er late

mana$ement* (e tal1 for appro9imately an %our and a %alf' and 1no" about t%e last t%erapist

forties' too1 o)er from my counselor in prison' and s%e %elped me ease my "ay into society a$ain* Not t%at muc% %ad c%an$ed' but it "as still a little o)er"%elmin$ to be out* nside' made all t%e decisions' and no" to set up limits@ as "ell* tell Bella about t%in$s t%at %ad c%an$ed in me "%ile "as loc1ed up, ne)er %ad c%oices* &omeone else %ad "anted to $et better in suddenly %ad to do it on my o"n*

%ad to want t%in$s no"* (%ile

prison' too' t%e outside "as different because

%ad to ta1e t%e initiati)e'

suc% as feelin$ older' "antin$ t%in$s 'd ne)er "anted before' prioriti:in$

differently' and some"%at ma1in$ peace "it% t%e past me* #%e re$rets' t%e remorse' and some of t%e pain "ill al"ays be t%ere' but in order to mo)e on4yea%* .#%ere "ere a fe" setbac1s' of course'. lu1e"arm coffee* .But admit' ta1in$ a sip of my no"$ot pissed'

%andled it a lot better* (%en

mana$ed to tal1 myself do"n instead of usin$ my fists or $ettin$ %i$%*. s%ru$ a little* .8mmett's been a %u$e %elp' too* He used to come do"n to &eattle most "ee1ends' and "e'd "or1 out to$et%er or "%ate)er*. n t%e end' it feels li1e ')e told Bella e)eryt%in$ t%ere is to 1no"' "%ic% says a lot about %o" little ')e done* Aside from $ettin$ better in my fuc1in$ %ead' t%at is* "or1ed out a lot,still do, ate better' up some of t%e mo)ies 'd missed' started readin$ a lot' cau$%t simply

"ent to my sessions' and

focused on $ettin$ better* <oin$ out doesn't appeal to me at all anymore ,not t%at 'm sure it e)er did,and my mantra %as become' .peace and 0uiet.* (%en tell Bella t%is' s%e c%uc1les and mentions t%at t%ere's no suc%

t%in$ as peace and 0uiet around Nat%an* Luc1ily' s%e says it "it% a teasin$ $lint in %er eye' because t%at's %ardly t%e .noisy. s%it 'm s%yin$ a"ay from* Catc%in$ a $lance at t%e cloc1 abo)e t%e fireplace in t%e corner' it's past t"o' and earlier "%en (it% t%at' see t%at

1no" t%at Nat%an's out of presc%ool around t%ree* &o'

point t%is out to Bella' but s%e says t%at s%e te9ted >ada,>asper's "ife, "as outside smo1in$' and s%e's pic1in$ %im up*

rela9 furt%er into t%e couc% and "e tal1 for a "%ile lon$er* as1 about %er o"n reco)ery* But to my

&ince 'm not sure s%e's "illin$ to di)ul$e muc% about %er o"n life' stutter li1e a fuc1in$ idiot "%en

surprise' s%e seems "illin$ to s%are no"* &o' "e end up comparin$ stories' emotions "e')e $one t%rou$%' and mista1es "e')e made alon$ t%e "ay* t's almost four o'cloc1 t%e ne9t time c%ec1' and Bella admits t%at it's "al1 %er to t%e

time for %er to $o %ome* &%e %as a t"o %our dri)e a%ead of %er' "%ic% feel a little bad about* And t%at's "%y ' once a$ain,as door,offer to come to Anc%ora$e t%e ne9t time "e meet* Bella declines t%is time' too* .&%it;. yet*. .+%* (ell' sorta fi$ured it "ould be more comfortable for you to loo1 don't t%in1 s%e reali:es %o" "on't %a)e suddenly remember t%e p%otos* . , %a)en't seen t%e albums

t%rou$% t%em in pri)ate*. &%e e9plains t%is all casually' e)en addin$ a s%ru$ after s%e's pulled on %er boots* But opposite of casual t%is is for me* #%e fact t%at s%e's lea)in$ t%ose albums %ere for me to $o t%rou$% at my o"n pace means a lot* 5lus' to stru$$le to maintain a strai$%t face* Li1e said' 'm not %idin$ anyt%in$ from %er' but cryin$ li1e a bitc% is still prefer to do "%en no one is around* can't %elp but as1 "%en 'll see %er a$ain*

somet%in$

After t%an1in$ %er profusely'

don't e9pect it to be )ery soon@ it's Friday today and Bella "or1s durin$ t%e "ee1' so4maybe ne9t "ee1end/ +r e)en t%e one after t%at/ 'Cause 'm sure s%e %as plans for t%is "ee1end* For a moment' s%e 2ust stares up at me "it% a t%ou$%tful e9pression on %er face* .Ne9t &aturday/. s%e as1s' a ner)ous smile on %er lips*

Don't as1 me "%y s%e's ner)ous' t%ou$%* &%e %as to 1no" by no" t%at 'll ta1e "%ate)er can $et* brin$ Nate/.

.And4. &%e blo"s out a breat%* .Ho" about

Chapter song &et It #o by 'lue .ctober BPOV After reassurin$ 8d"ard a fe" times t%at 'm not 1iddin$ about brin$in$ Nat%an ne9t "ee1' lea)e &terlin$ be%ind' t%e memory of 8d"ard's teary $o* $roan' %ad told eyes in t%e forefront of my mind as

')e barely reac%ed t%e main road "%en my p%one rin$s' and rememberin$ t%at ne)er s%ut it off t%at second time,after 8d"ard to $i)e me a call to find out "%at %is rin$tone "as* .7ental note: c%an$e ?iley's fuc1in$ rin$tone'. brin$ out my p%one* .Hey*. .0i4) %e replies c%eerily* )Is this a better time() $rit my teet% to$et%er* .Not really'. say %onestly* told %im

mutter to myself and ans"er*

"as $onna call %im toni$%t* But t%at

"asn't $ood enou$%' "as it/ 1esus* 5lacin$ t%e p%one to my ear'

don't li1e to be on

t%e p%one "%ile 'm dri)in$* . 'm on my "ay bac1 to Anc%ora$e*.

Last ni$%t "%en ?iley called and

t%ou$%t it "as 8d"ard' it felt li1e a cold "as trut%ful* told %im t%at needed to do t%is for Nate's $ot %ome

s%o"er* +ur con)ersation "as s%ort' and sa1e* ?iley "as s%oc1ed to say t%e least@ and 2ealously* #%en 2ust told %im today* Clearly' %e didn't listen*

Nat%an's fat%er %ad contacted me' and t%at

could also detect some an$er

"as $oin$ to call %im after

..h/ !o;how was it( Was he nice( -athan's dad, I mean.) blo" out a breat%* (as 8d"ard nice/ 3ea%' t%at'd be an understatement* He %as c%an$ed* #%ere's no denyin$ t%at* .He's not t%e boy once 1ne"'. admit* . sa" %im last "ee1' too' and

"e')e spo1en o)er t%e p%one a lot t%is "ee1*. .What(4) %e s%outs* )I thought today;you'%e been hiding this, 'ella(4) s%a1e my %ead and pus% do"n t%e an$er feel* From t%e $et-$o' ?iley

%as been one or t"o steps a%ead of me* ')e been clear@ ')e told %im plain and simple: 'm not ready for a real relations%ip* 3et' ?iley acts li1e "e're committed to eac% ot%er* 'm sorry' but four dates doesn't $i)e %im t%e ri$%t to dictate* (e don't ma1e decisions to$et%er' especially not "%en t%ey concern my son* . "asn't ready to tell you'. to pus%*. He doesn't miss a beat* )I 2ust think you can do better than -ate's deadbeat "ather.) .#%is isn't about a fuc1in$ romance'. e)en 1no" 8d"ard'. c%uc1le %umorlessly' slo"in$ do"n say simply* .?iley4. si$%* . as1ed you not

t%e car "%en t%e truc1 in front of me also slo"s do"n* .And you don't add' annoyed* 7y business is my business* #%e only t%in$ ')e told ?iley about 8d"ard is t%at %e's not in Nat%an's life*

(ell' %e "asn't* And %a)e %is dad-.

admitted t%at 8d"ard didn't "ant Nate' because 1ne" up until a "ee1 a$o* . "ant Nat%an to

t%at "as t%e only trut%

?iley cuts me off* ) hat could be me, 'ella4 Can't you "ucking see that() Deep breat%s' deep breat%s' deep breat%s* .8d"ard is %is fat%er'. "%isper* .He also %as a le$al ri$%t to see %im*.

.0e shouldn't ha%e that right,) %e says flatly' fuelin$ my an$er* )0e didn't want -athan, and all o" a sudden he does() .3ou don't 1no" "%at you're tal1in$ about'. t%ere's so muc% more to t%e story* .Loo1' t%e road* "ill call you later' all ri$%t/. snap* <od' %e ma1es it

sound li1e 8d"ard 2ust t%re" us a"ay* +1ay,%e did* He did* But4"uck' can't tal1 ri$%t no"@ 'm on

He c%uc1les dryly* )$ou see( 0e's already turning you against me.) .(%at/;. s%rie1* +%' my <od; .#%is isn't about you and me' ?iley; #%is is e9%ale %ars%ly* .3ou don't 1no" %o" 8d"ard $re"

about Nate meetin$ %is dad; 8d"ard is different no",a completely ne" person* His life4. up*. I barely 1no"* ma$ine li)in$ in fear since t%e a$e of "i%e,C%rist' %e "as 2ust a baby* Nat%an is only a year youn$er t%an 8d"ard "as "%en Carlisle first %it %im* . %a)e to $i)e 8d"ard a c%ance'. only do %a)e to' but tell ?iley* .Not s"allo" %ard* do need to, want to* (%at %e did4.

.8d"ard %urt me li1e %ell* He,yea%' %e crus%ed me* But %e4. All ri$%t' 'm not ready to ma1e e9cuses for "%at 8d"ard did bac1 t%en' but see all t%e circumstances* t's not blac1 and "%ite* .'ut he/() ?iley prompts* )!ounds to me like you're de"ending a douche. Isn't that like what many women do be"ore they end up at Whitlock 0ouse ;de"end their asshole men()

$ape at t%e p%one' completely stunned %e "ould say somet%in$ li1e t%at* n t%e end' %a)e not%in$ to say' and disconnect t%e call* He's so

wrong' and4 can't belie)e %im* Because to me' e)ery case is different* t's all so indi)idual* And 'm not ma1in$ e9cuses for 8d"ard@ 'm t%e last one "%o'd do t%at* But 'm not blind* 1no" c%an$e "%en see it* 5lus' if e)er t%ou$%t 8d"ard "ould lay a %and on my son4 c%uc1le dar1ly at t%e mere t%ou$%t of it* Carlisle "as a monster* He abused %is son' but t%at's nothing compared to "%at 'd do to 8d"ard if %e beat Nat%an* n ot%er "ords' if 'd been 8sme' Carlisle "ould')e been si9 feet under after t%at first blo"* 5arents fuc1 up all t%e time* (%en "as ten' my mom for$ot me at t%e

$rocery store* <ranted' s%e came bac1 after fi)e minutes and s%e "as cryin$ %er eyes out' but s%e still made a mista1e* (%en Nat%an "as one' %e "ouldn't stop screamin$,it "as t%e mot%er of tantrums' $oin$ on for %ours,so left %im in %is playpen and "ent into my bedroom to scream "as ready to t%ro" in t%e to"el* ?i$%t into a pillo" for t"enty minutes*

on t%at brin1* &o' yea%4"e ma1e mista1es* (e fuc1 up* 7y point is: 'm not e9pectin$ 8d"ard to be perfect* tolerate are abuse and ne$lect* =C38= (%en pic1 up Nate at >asper and >ada's %ouse' end up stayin$ for tell t%em all "on't 2ud$e %im* "on't

"on't t%in1 %e'll 1no" e)eryt%in$ $oin$ into t%is* #%e only t%in$s

dinner* (e tal1,no'

tal1* #%ey let me )ent' basically' and

about today* Not 2ust "%at's $oin$ on "it% 8d"ard' but also t%e s%it "ent t%rou$% in t%e car "it% ?iley* #%en' "%en 'm finally done' >asper $oes into t%erapist mode and points out all t%e perspecti)es need to see

stuff from* He's not really a t%erapist' but %e %as studied psyc%olo$y' and %e's )ery peda$o$ical and t%ou$%tful as a person* He's also a master at readin$ facial e9pressions and "%ate)er tone of )oice you use* And >ada' "%o consider to be my best friend' is blunt yet s"eet* &%e

doesn't su$arcoat t%in$s,s%e's brutally %onest,but s%e still states %er opinions in a "ay "%ere you can't be offended* (%en you first meet %er' you feel comfortable* Her lon$' %oney-blond %air and bluis% $reen eyes see to t%at* Ho"e)er' you'll soon disco)er t%at s%e's s%arp' 0uic1' and unafraid* >ada 1eeps me alert* &%e's also not a bi$ fan of 8d"ard' t%ou$% s%e's considerate enou$% to 1eep 0uiet about that* n trut%' t%in1 >asper %as told %er to pipe do"n "%en 8d"ard is t%e topic* >ada a$rees t%at a second c%ance is somet%in$ 8d"ard deser)es' but s%e can't $rasp t%e fact t%at 'm so understandin$* >asper' on t%e ot%er %and' t%in1s as a parent* Nate comes first' and >asper belie)es t%is is best for my little boy* %im* f Nate %as a fat%er out t%ere "%o "ants to be in %is life' t%en %e s%ould be,8d"ard s%ould be* And' to be selfis%' me* "ouldn't "ant my son to %ate don't "ant to be t%e person "%o 1eeps Nate from %is dad* a$ree "it%

.Ha)e you and 8d"ard discussed ne9t &aturday/. >asper as1s me' noddin$ in t%an1s as >ada ser)es coffee* . s %e $onna be Nate's dad ri$%t a"ay' or are you introducin$ %im as a friend/. fro"n* .A friend/ (%y "ould ,u%' (%y "ould mean4 What/.

introduce 8d"ard as a friend "%en %e's Nate's dad/

Can you really do t%at/ . t's common'. >asper says "it% a s%ru$* .#%ey do it "it% t%e c%ild in mind* #%e parent "%o %as al"ays been t%ere,it's %is or %er "ay of easin$

t%e ne" parent into t%e c%ild's life* t's also a "ay of ma1in$ sure t%e parent "%o recently s%o"ed up can pro)e t%at %e or s%e is stic1in$ around ,t%at's it not temporary*. Hu%* sit bac1 and t%in1 about "%at %e's said' and totally $et it* 2ust

can't see past t%e lyin$* f

told Nate t%at 8d"ard "as 2ust a friend' t%e

trut% "ould still come out and my son "ould be %urt,maybe/ #%at's %o" see it' any"ay* And e)en if 8d"ard decided t%is "asn't for %im' and %e'd lea)e' "ould still li)e "it% t%e fact t%at ')e lied to Nat%an* But t%en could li)e "it% if it meant Nate didn't $et %urt* A friend a$ain' it's a lie "ounds be%ind* . can't see 8d"ard lea)in$'. "%isper*

can lea)e,t%at %appens,but a fat%er can't* Not "it%out lea)in$ open

>ada $rimaces* .Ho" can you be so sure' %un/ 3ou barely 1no" t%is $uy*. But do* No' don't* 3es' in a "ay do* Fuc1* 'm losin$ my mind a$ain*

1no" t%e fi)e-year-old boy "%o "as my best friend in 5%oeni9,t%e boy "%o $a)e me my first 1iss' t%e boy "%o $ot c%ocolate on my dress and tic1led me until smiled a$ain*

also 1no" t%e coc1y idiot "%o bullied e)eryone in %i$% sc%ool,t%e idiot "%o smas%ed %eads in if t%ey said somet%in$ t%at "as out of line' t%e idiot "%o t%ou$%t %e "as a $od* And $ot $limpses of t%e $uy underneat% t%at s%itty mas1* He "as

)ulnerable' %urt' ne$lected' bruised' and in need of affection* #%e man %e %as become4"ell' 'm startin$ to $et to 1no" %im' too* #"o lon$ )isits and %ours on t%e p%one, ')e learned a lot about 8d"ard* He's still )ulnerable' but %e's also stron$/ don't 1no"' but it feels t%at "ay* He 1inda %as to be to %a)e come so far* He %as matured@ %e's $one from

an abused $uy "%o turned to dru$s to 1eep t%e pain a"ay' to4to "%at %e is no"* 'm still learnin$* . can't be sure'. admit* .But my $ut instinct4.

.3ou do "%at feels ri$%t for you' Bella'. >asper says' noddin$* . su$$est you call 8d"ard and tal1 to %im about it' t%ou$%*. a$ree "it% t%at* .#%at's $onna ta1e a "%ile'. include 8d"ard' myself*. . bet'. %e responds* .3ou')e been on your o"n for four years* +f course it'll ta1e a "%ile* But "it% time,and 8d"ard's increasin$ in)ol)ement, %a)e no doubt it "ill come naturally*. . %ope so'. c%uc1le and t%en si$% a$ain* .<od' "ant t%is to "or1*. si$%* .#o automatically

mean* 7a1in$ decisions, 'm so used to doin$ it by

A little "%ile later' to >asper and >ada*

"al1 into t%e li)in$ room to ta1e my sleepin$ boy say $oodni$%t

%ome* >ada carries t%eir dau$%ters to bed' too' and t%en

=C38= &aturday hat-s #athan-s favorite color& Ed!ard $rin to myself and reply* It changes from day to day* "ut it-s usually red* "lue* or yello!. (u)erman is da man 4P ~Bella .Nat%an' brea1fast is ready;. %oller as my p%one beeps a$ain*

Oh* I agree 56 I read (u)erman comics !hen I !as a kid. Ed!ard

didn't 1no" t%at* But

can see it*

can picture a little 8d"ard on %is bed

readin$ comics "it% a toot%y $rin on %is face* 3ntil Carlisle came home. s%a1e t%at t%ou$%t a"ay* Fuc1* #athan has every cartoon there is a"out su)erheroes* it feels like. (u)erman* Batman* Ca)tain %merica* ()iderman7the list goes on. 8e thre! a fit !hen I didn-t allo! him to see that movie !ith 'yan 'eynolds. .he 9reen /ight& ~Bella +ou mean 9reen /antern* and you-re )ro"a"ly right. Comics and cartoons are harmless. .oday-s movie ada)tations* not so much. Emmett and I sa! 9host 'ider a !hile ago. It-s nothing like the comic, Definitely not suited for children* haha. Ed!ard c%uc1le at t%e te9t' seein$ Nat%an in my perip%ery as %e enters t%e 1itc%en* .+%' my <od' baby;. lau$%' loo1in$ at %im* .(%ere are your clot%es/. ay too violent* and it-s not a cartoon.

He's buc1 na1ed and %oldin$ %is penis* . $otta pee'. %e "%ines' doin$ t%e pee-pee dance* .&o' you too1 off all your clot%es/. as1 incredulously and t%en lead %im

to t%e bat%room* .Come %ere,sit do"n on t%e toilet*. 7aybe it's because %e's been raised by a "oman' but %e al"ays sits do"n "%en %e $oes to t%e bat%room* .3ou're suc% a $oof*. "al1 out* . don't li1e clot%es' 7ommy;. %e s%outs after me* smile and ruffle %is %air before

s%a1e my %ead' amused' and return to t%e 1itc%en*

%a)e 2ust enou$%

time to fire off anot%er te9t to 8d"ard before Nate comes bac1* #athan $ust did the )ee:)ee dance in his "irthday suit in our kitchen. hat a lovely (aturday so far, 4D ~Bella as1 %im as %e stands in t%e

.Did you "as% your %ands' %oney/.

door"ay* He's still na1ed* He nods and s%o"s me %is %ands* .<ood* +1ay' let's put some clot%es on' and t%en you can eat*. .Can %a)e c%ocolate for brea1fast/. %e as1s s"eetly as pull out a pair

of t%ermals for %im* #oday' "e're 2ust $onna $o outside to play for a bit in t%e sno"' and t%ermals are more comfortable "%en %e's "earin$ %is sno"suit* .3ea%' no*. s%a1e my %ead at %im' smilin$ "ryly* He al"ays tries@

al"ays s%oot %im do"n* .But it's &aturday today' so %o" about some special cocoa "%en "e $et bac1 from t%e play$round/ And some c%ocolate toni$%t "%en "e "atc% a mo)ie/. .3es;. %e $i$$les and s%a1es %is butt* .&pecial cocoa is t%e best;. 1no" %e t%in1s so* 'Cause it couldn't be more su$ary* t's %ot cocoa "it% mars%mallo"s' "%ipped cream' c%ocolate fla1es' and c%ocolate syrup* (%at 1id "ouldn't lo)e t%at/ After $ettin$ %im dressed in %is t%ermals and a t-s%irt' us%er %im bac1

to t%e 1itc%en "%ere %e sits do"n to eat %is toast and drin1 %is mil1* 7ean"%ile' sit do"n "it% my cereal and c%ec1 my p%one*

can't %elp but lau$% at 8d"ard's response to my last te9t* .his !ill sound !eird* "ut I-d )ay a million "ucks to see that. Ed!ard

=C38= &unday (%ile >ada ta1es Nate and t%e $irls to see a mo)ie' call ?iley and as1 if %un$ up

%e can come o)er* He %as te9ted and called se)eral times since lettin$ my an$er boil o)er* .Hey' s"eetie'. %e says' 1issin$ my c%ee1 before %im* .6%,%i*. .Coffee/. He nods* .&ure* $otta stay a"a1e*. as1 as "e "al1 to t%e 1itc%en*

on %im on Friday' and no" 'm ready to see %im face-to-face "it%out

close t%e door be%ind

don't understand %o" %e can act as if not%in$'s "ron$*

.Lon$ s%ift comin$ up/. .3ea%*

%a)e t%e Anc%ora$e-Ne" 3or1 route ne9t "ee1' and before t%en' fle" bet"een C%i$ni1

%a)e a car$o s%ipments,Anc%ora$e-Nome* All day tomorro"' bac1 and fort%*. He c%uc1les a little* .And all day yesterday' and >uneau*. .Cool'. mutter' not 1no"in$ "%at else to say* After pourin$ us t"o mu$s sit do"n by t%e 1itc%en island and ta1e a small sip of my o"n* slide %is mu$ to t%e ot%er side of t%e island* .&o4 fi$ured

of coffee'

Con)eniently'

"e s%ould tal1*. He $i)es me t%e loo1 to be e9pected "%en someone says' .(e s%ould tal1*. nfamous "ords* For a reason* .3ou're endin$ t%is'. %e states' "a)in$ a fin$er bet"een us* . fuc1in$ 1ne" it*.

And t%at's t%e t%in$: .8ndin$ t%is*. Ho" can end somet%in$ t%at %as barely e)en started/ "%isper' as if Nate's

. as1ed you,from t%e be$innin$,not to push me'. around t%e corner* But %e's not*

He $rins' but it ma1es %im loo1 e)il* &inister* . 'm not pus%in$' Bella* 'm 2ust pissed t%at you "on't e)en $i)e me a $oddamn c%ance*. %old up my %ands* .Don't start* told you-.

. 1no" "%at you said'. %e says impatiently* .3ou said t%at you "eren't ready,"%ate)er* No"' you "on't e%er be ready*. He $i)es me a bitter loo1* . t "ill be all about Nat%an's fat%er no"'. %e c%uc1les dryly* .(%at do you e9pect %ere' Bella,to $o off into t%e sunset "it% t%is fuc1er/. 7y eyebro"s s%oot up* .#%at you'll be a perfect family/ He left you;. Is he "or real( .#%is isn't about me' ?iley;. it* ?idin$ off into t%e-. %im* He's ridiculous* .&o' you're sayin$ t%at t%is is only about Nat%an seein$ %is fat%er/. .3es;. cry out* Ho" many times do %a)e to tell %im/ .<od;. point to myself* .#%is is about Nate* #%at's scoff at

can't e)en finis% t%e sentence before

He purses %is lips and narro"s %is eyes at me* .(ell t%en' "%at's stoppin$ you and me from %a)in$ a relations%ip/. .>esus C%rist'. $roan' rubbin$ my temples* .Let me as1 you t%is: %o"

often are you %ome/. He loo1s confused for a moment' per%aps t%ro"n off by my 0uestion' but ans"ers nonet%eless* .#"o days a "ee1* &ometimes t%ree*.

nod* .And

"or1 ei$%t to fi)e' 7onday to Friday* &o' since

e9pect to be

busy in &terlin$ many "ee1ends' "%en do you su$$est "e see eac% ot%er/. He's about to say somet%in$' but 1no" 'm not finis%ed* .7ore t%an t%at' you to Nat%an-. .(%y t%e %ell not/. %e as1s' frustrated* . 'm a decent $uy' Bella* %onestly "ant to $et to 1no" your son*. . don't "ant %im to $et confused'. soon4. say trut%fully* .+n &aturday' Nate is %old up a fin$er' lettin$ %im don't t%in1 it's "ise to introduce

meetin$ %is dad for t%e first time* Ha)in$ anot%er man in %is life so s%a1e my %ead' feelin$ t%at 'm $ettin$ off trac1* ?e$ardless of admit' "%ic% seems to earn me a $lare* can't4. release a breat%* . %a)e too "%at's best for my son' 'm not ready for "%at ?iley "ants* . don't "ant to strin$ you alon$' eit%er'. .Four dates,it's been four dates*

muc% ri$%t no",too muc% $oin$ on*. He stares at me' sayin$ not%in$* Not a "ord* &tartin$ to feel uncomfortable' but4 Fuc1* a loner' can't pus% myself* fid$et "it% my coffee mu$* #%e man is can't fool myself' eit%er* And maybe 'm lost my parents' family %as mattered al"ays appreciated my parents

still t%ere' t%e man "%o $i)es me t%ose $irly butterflies in my stomac%' don't 1no"* 8)er since

t%e most to me' "%ic% mi$%t sound odd* Family %as al"ays been important to me@ 'm $lad to say t%at "%ile t%ey "ere ali)e' too* But di$ress* Family is my priority,"%at

stic1 to* Not ?iley* And my family is Nat%an' >asper and >ada' t%eir 1ids4 8d"ard/ No* He's not* But %e is "amiliar* #%ere's a past' and not 2ust "%at "e s%ared in For1s* He's t%e only one in t%e "orld 1no" "%o at least )a$uely remembers my parents* #%ere's li1e4a lin1/ 3ea%* .3ou')e clearly made up your mind'. ?iley mutters' ma1in$ me loo1 up* #%ere's an$er and resi$nation "ritten all o)er %is face* . 'm 2ust $onna $o*. He stands up and turns to lea)e*

stare' unable to stop %im* .#a1e care' Bella*. And %e's out* palm my face* =C38= (ednesday After bein$ on t%e p%one "it% 8d"ard for about an %our' "e fall silent' and it's not )ery comfortable* (e')e tal1ed about Nate's baby boo1 and all t%e p%otos brou$%t %im* t%in1 %eard 8d"ard in tears once' too' but "ant to tal1 to %im about somet%in$' no" "e')e e9%austed t%e topic,at least for a little "%ile* And no"4no" %e 1no"s 'm stallin$* He 1no"s t%ou$% %e doesn't as1' doesn't pressure* .!o/) He trails off* run a %and t%rou$% my %air' pacin$ my 1itc%en' and almost "is%in$ Nate "ould "a1e up and interrupt* But no* &aturday* .3ea%' um*. clear my t%roat and t%en si$%* 1inda "is% %ad "ine at need to tal1 to 8d"ard about

%ome* .Listen' -. Christ4 1ust spit it out4 .Can "e tal1 about &aturday/. blurt out' slappin$ a %and to my fore%ead* (%y can't "e be rela9ed at t%e same time/ f 'm smoot%' 8d"ard's a ner)ous "rec14and if 8d"ard's calm and collected' 'm a stutterin$ fool* .+re/are you cancelling() %e as1s in a small )oice t%at does somet%in$ to me* 7y c%est constricts@ 'm still not used to an 8d"ard "%o s%o"s %is emotions so clearly* )I totally get it;you're busy;um, but:)

cut %im off before %e $i)es %imself an ulcer* . 'm not cancellin$' 8d"ard;. e9%ale audibly' and %ear 8d"ard do t%e same* . 'm not $uess*. cancellin$'. repeat softly* . 2ust "anted to tal1 to you about,about4all

of it/ 6m' %o" "e'll $o about t%in$s'

..h.) His breat%in$ is still labored* )3h, what do you mean/e6actly() release yet anot%er breat% and muster up t%e coura$e to 2ust as1 %im* .Are you in t%is' Cullen/. confirmed*. . ink;"uck, sorry. 'ella.) He lets out a stran$led c%uc1le' and s%oulders sa$ in relief' ma1in$ me reali:e %o" muc% yea%' find "%isper* . s t%is for life/ 2ust4need it

myself smilin$ to myself* )'ella, there's nothing I want more.) 7y needed to %ear t%is' no matter %o" muc% ')e seen c%an$e in %im* #%e confirmation' needed it* )$ou won't get rid o" me;unless th:that's what you want. *aybe not e%en then. -o, not e%en then.) c%uc1le* .&ounds $ood to me*. And t%en tomorro" t%en,if t%at's o1ay*. Admittedly' "ant to tell Nate about 8d"ard on my o"n* 'm %is mom sober* .6m' 'll tell Nat%an

and' so far' ')e been %is only parent* Ha)in$ 8d"ard t%ere4maybe it "ould distract Nat%an/ ..h shit, really() He actually s0uea1s* )Fuck, this is actually happening. Can you call me a"terward( I mean, I assume I ha%e some ma2or work to do;you know, to get him to like me. Christ, I hope he will. Four years,) %e rambles* )I'%e bought some shit= you'%e told me what he likes. I: $eah, I, uh, shopped:) .Cullen/. He breat%es out* )$eah()

$rin* .?ela9*. Anot%er breat%* )7ight.) .And you %a)e no "or1 to do'. made it pretty easy on you@ bitterness to my )oice' and Nat%an' . admit'. add 0uietly' loo1in$ do"n at my lap* . ')e don't 1no"'

told %im you "ere sic1*. #%ere's a sli$%t find it bot% 2ustified and4not*

but t%at bitter part of me still feels so betrayed' and after "%at ')e told 1no" 8d"ard "on't %a)e to "or1 to $et Nate to appro)e of %im* let out a s%a1y lau$%' . ')e made it easy on myself' too* 2ust 7y son is pretty easy$oin$* All %e demands is loyalty' lo)e' and fun times* couldn't brin$ myself to tell %im t%at %is dad didn't "ant %im*. .I'm sorry,) %e "%ispers t%ic1ly' soundin$ an$uis%ed* )I'm so "ucking sorry, 'ella.) s%a1e my %ead' tryin$ to $et rid of t%e 1not in my stomac%* to be an$ry' %urt' or resentful' but don't "ant

need to $i)e myself time* Ho"e)er'

don't "ant to s%o" t%is,not no"* #%is is about Nate* Not me* Not yet* &0uee:in$ my eyes s%ut' i$nore t%e stin$in$ in t%em* .&top* Don't,

2ust4 Ne)er mind* 'll tal1 to %im tomorro"* (e'll "or1 t%is out*. .Wait, um, what did you mean be"ore( $ou said you'%e told him I was sick.) nod e)en t%ou$% %e can't see me* . tried to e9plain to %im t%at you "ere too sic1 to be "it% %im' t%at you needed to sort out your life* #%at you needed to %eal* He4%e as1ed %o" you "ere sic1' and can be sic1 in different "ays*. said t%at you puff out my c%ee1s' rememberin$ t%e

se)eral occasions Nate %as as1ed about 8d"ard* . briefly told %im t%at your c%ild%ood "asn't easy' and t%at you needed time to $et better*. 8d"ard is silent for a lon$ moment' %is breat%in$ t%e only si$n of %is still bein$ t%ere*

* * .$ou didn't ha%e to do that "or me'. %e "%ispers' clearin$ %is t%roat* . 1no"*. s"allo"* .But did it for %im' too* And myself* And t%en' if %e

$ot older and you still "eren't around,"%ic% is "%at ')e belie)ed for four years, 'd tell %im t%e trut%* About your parents and e)eryt%in$*. fi$ured %onesty is t%e "ay to $o* fully plan on t%ro"in$ 8d"ard's 1no" t%ey're t%e reason for

parents under t%e bus one day' because

8d"ard's fuc1ed-up past* And Nat%an deser)es to 1no" t%at' but %e's too youn$ to understand no"' not to mention %e's too youn$ to %ate people %e's ne)er 1no"n* 'd li1e to 1eep my son innocent and carefree* .!till/I don't really deser%e this,) %e si$%s 0uietly* don't reply' still torn* #%ere are too many circumstances* 8d"ard is 2ust a )ictim' but at t%e same time %e's not* nstead repeat my "ords to 8d"ard about t%is "or1in$ out' and t%en

promise to call %im tomorro" once ')e tal1ed to Nat%an* &%ortly after t%at' "e say $oodni$%t' and of tossin$ and turnin$* Ho" t%e %ell "ill brea1 t%is to Nate/ =C38= Friday 5rocrastinatin$,easy* &tallin$' buyin$ time' findin$ e9cuses4 loo1 for"ard to a restless ni$%t

c%ic1ened out yesterday and didn't tell Nat%an anyt%in$* understood* But

also te9ted

8d"ard and told %im 'd do it today instead* He te9ted bac1 and said %e

can't stall anymore* (%ic% is "%y 'm no" sittin$ "it% Nat%an in t%e

li)in$ room,on t%e couc%,"it% t%e #V s%ut off* .Baby' do you remember "%at and fid$ety as %ell* He tilts %is %ead' scrunc%in$ %is face to$et%er a little* .He's sic1*. nod' releasin$ a breat%* #%ere's really only one t%in$ to say' and it'll "or1* .He's not sic1 anymore'. lose my mind' croa1* #%is seems to confuse %im' so before say' forcin$ out %ope told you about your dad/. as1' ner)ous

continue* . met %im,tal1ed to %im'.

t%e "ords* .He's better,%e's not an$ry and sad no"* 6m' %e li)es in a to"n a couple of %ours a"ay from %ere*. Kinda stupid to say' seein$ as %e can't tell time* C%rist' &"an* .He "ants to see you*. .He li)e %ere in Alas1u%/. He c%e"s on %is lip@ no"/. 0old it together, 'ella. .He is*. nod* mana$e to smile*

nod' smilin$ carefully*

.Not sic1'. %e "%ispers and fro"ns' loo1in$ do"n* .7y daddy is o1ay

. t%ou$%t %e $onna be sic1 al"ays*. !o did I. At a loss for somet%in$ to say' 2ust 1eep 0uiet* For a little "%ile lon$er*

.Did %e $et medicine/. %e as1s' peerin$ up at me*

purse my lips' tryin$ to find an e9ample to $o after* #%ey're al"ays t%e easiest "ay to ma1e %im understand* .3ou 1no" told you %o" %e "asn't sic1 li1e,a cold or a flu/. murmur'

and %e nods slo"ly* . said %e "as sic1 in %is,um' inside*.

place a %and

to my c%est* Nate nods a$ain* .(ell' do you remember "%en you too1 candy from +li)ia on 7adison's birt%day/. At t%at' %is c%ee1s turn red and %e tries to loo1 a"ay* s0uee:e %is %and and smile' silently lettin$ %im 1no" t%at it's all o1ay no"* (ater under t%e brid$e* .3ou also remember t%at you felt so bad t%at you %ad to tell me about it/. +ne more nod' a small one* .&o' you tal1ed to me about it' you apolo$i:ed' and t%en you felt better' ri$%t/. .3es'. %e mumbles* nod* .#%at "as li1e medicine* 3ou felt bad' but "%en you tal1ed to me and "e fi9ed it' it "as all better* 3ou didn't feel bad anymore*. e)entually made %im feel better*. pause* . t "as li1e t%at for your daddy* #al1in$ about t%e t%in$s t%at made %im sic1 %ardly feel it's necessary to e9plain about anti-depressants or prison counselin$* .Do you understand' baby/. A$ain' %e nods slo"ly* .#al1in$ is medicine/. .&ometimes'. tal1 to %er*. .3ou tal1 lots to %er'. %e $i$$les* . do'. a$ree' c%uc1lin$* .&%e %elps me* feel better once ')e tal1ed to say softly* $rin a little' t%in1in$ of Lisa* .3ou 1no" %o" %a)e so muc% to t%in1 about t%at 2ust

tal1 to Lisa' yea%/ &ometimes

%er* t can be bi$ t%in$s on my mind' or )ery small* But sometimes it 2ust feels $ood to %a)e someone to tal1 to*. .3ou can tal1 to me' 7ommy*.

. 1no"' s"eetie'.

lau$% 0uietly and 1iss %is fore%ead* .Not%in$ "or1s

better t%an you' t%at's for sure*. He offers me a silly $rin* .&o' you understand %o" tal1in$ can be li1e medicine/. .3ea%,did %e also steal candy/ Did %e feel bad/. Anot%er lau$% slips t%rou$% my lips at t%e t%ou$%t of 8d"ard stealin$ candy* f only t%in$s "ere t%at easy' %u%/ . t "as a bit more t%an t%at'. admit* .And it "asn't 2ust t%in$s %e %ad ta1e a breat% and don't

done* t "as about so muc%,%o" %e $re" up' %o" %is family "as' and4 ot%er $ro"n-up t%in$s* He "as really sic1 from t%at*. s0uee:e %is %and a$ain* .He also felt so bad about not bein$ able to see you* But %e "as afraid t%at %e'd do somet%in$ bad' um4. C%rist' you*. settle for t%at* 1no" %o" to e9plain t%is* .He "as 2ust too sic1 to be able to be t%ere for

.But %e's o1ay no"/. .89actly' and %e "ants to meet you* Ho" do you feel about t%at/. Bitin$ do"n on %is lip' %e a)erts %is eyes a$ain* t%in1in$* .6m4. He loo1s up to me* .(ill %e t%in1 'm a"esome/. .+f course'. $i$$le* .Ho" could %e not/. po1e %is tummy* .He "ill can see t%at %e's

definitely t%in1 you're a"esome*. I" he doesn't, this *ommy will be pissed. But %a)e fait% in 8d"ard "%en it comes to Nat%an* really do*

. s %e comin$ %ere/. He smiles*

s%a1e my %ead no* .(e're dri)in$ out to %im tomorro"' if t%at's o1ay* He li)es in t%e middle of t%e "oods' and you 1no" "%at/ He %as a do$*. 7y eyes "iden' 1no"in$ t%e do$ "ill be one "ay to seal t%e deal* . sn't t%at cool/. .3ea%*. He nods furiously* .Can "e buy candy for t%e do$/ #%at's "%at 7i1ey does "it% %is do$* He told me*. . 'll as1 8d"ard*. $rin and ruffle %is %air*

He tilts %is %ead* .(%o's 8d"ard/. +%' ri$%t* .#%at's your daddy's name*. .Hu%* +1ay*. =C38= &aturday +nce Nate %as used t%e restroom at a truc1 stop' 8d"ard before "e're bac1 on t%e road* e-ll "e there in ten. ~Bella 'm ner)ous' 8d"ard's ner)ous' Nat%an's4"ell' %e's sin$in$ alon$ to Disney tunes ri$%t no"* spo1e to 8d"ard last ni$%t and told %im Nat%an %ad ta1en e)eryt%in$ "ell' and so on* also as1ed if 8d"ard's do$ "as nice and if %e could be t%ere' too* 8d"ard assured me #a:,t%at's %is name,"as 2ust an old cuddler and t%at %e could certainly be t%ere* 'Cause 'm t%in1in$ t%e do$ could be an icebrea1er or somet%in$* best* don't 1no"* 'm 2ust %opin$ for t%e send off a 0uic1 te9t to

n order not to %a)e too muc% of not%in$ $oin$ on'

also too1 it upon

myself to brin$ t%e in$redients for &aturday &oup* t's Nate and my tradition: "e eat soup after a day of playin$ in t%e sno" and t%en finis% it off "it% popcorn and ot%er snac1s for a mo)ie ni$%t* &o' 8d"ard 1no"s 'll be usin$ %is 1itc%en later* .7ommy' are "e t%ere yet/. respond' "atc%in$ %im in t%e rear)ie" mirror* .Almost' baby* 3ou e9cited/. He s%ru$s a little and loo1s out t%e "indo"* . %ope %e li1es to play super%eroes*. %a)e to $rin at t%at* .Ha)e you decided "%at mo)ie "e're $onna see/. .3ea%*. He nods and $i$$les* .8ick:+ss.. Anot%er $i$$le* .Ha' ass* Ass* Assss*. .#%at's enou$%' Nate'. c%uc1le' at last seein$ t%e cabin a%ead*

.Do you t%in1 %e "ill li1e 8ick:+ss/. .3es'. say and slo" do"n t%e car* And if %e doesn't li1e it' %e "ill do* #%ere are a fe" parts of 8ick:+ss t%at are "ay too al"ays s1ip t%ose* +r press mute* par1 t%e &6V in front of t%e carport*

pretend 2ust li1e mature' so

Blo"in$ out a deep breat%' 0ere we are.

7y fin$ers are still $rippin$ t%e "%eel as mo)in$ in t%e 1itc%en "indo"*

tilt my %ead in t%e ri$%t 2ust sa" somet%in$

direction to see t%e cabin' and 'm pretty sure

&omeone* Not somet%in$* He 1no"s "e're %ere*

.7y daddy li)e %ere/. Nate as1s* .Li1e &anta,middle of t%e forest li1e in Fred Claus*. lau$% ner)ously and unbuc1le my seatbelt* .3ea%' li1e &anta* Can you undo your belt' %oney/ 'll $o around to let you out*. Deep breaths. +nce ')e e9ited t%e car' Not t%at it "or1s* Fuc1' in%ale t%e crisp air' lettin$ it calm me do"n* don't t%in1 ')e e)er been t%is ner)ous*

open Nate's door and mana$e to smile for %im* .Are you ready to meet %im/. He nods* .3ou promise %e $onna t%in1 'm a"esome/. . promise*. $roceries %elp %im out and t%en tell %im to "ait "%ile $et t%e ba$ of

brou$%t*

&ince "e're in t%e middle of no"%ere and it's a calm day,not e)en a bree:e, %ear "%en t%e door to t%e cabin opens* &till' around* But after a second or t"o' 8d"ard* And Nate is out' too* Deep breaths. (it% a small smile' to Nat%an* &tandin$ in 2eans' unlaced construction boots' and a blac1 %oodie' %e loo1s pretty bul1y and intimidatin$' but all t%at disappears "%en closer loo1 at %is e9pression* "atc% as %e s"allo"s %ard' as %is eyes "ell up' as %e blin1s bac1 tears' as %e stic1s %is %ands into %is poc1ets' as %is c%est %ea)es a fe" times "it% s%a1y breat%s* $et a finally turn to 8d"ard and see t%at %is eyes are $lued don't turn see %im in my perip%ery* Him*

7ean"%ile' Nate inc%es closer to me until %e's %u$$in$ my t%i$%* He's definitely not scared@ %e's 2ust s%y around stran$ers* He's curious' t%ou$%' 'cause %e usually %ides %is face' too* .Hi'. say 0uietly' a bit %oarsely*

8d"ard's eyes find mine' and %e e9%ales* .Hey* 6m4. He $lances do"n to Nate and t%en bac1 to me* .Need any %elp "it% t%at/. He points to t%e ba$* s%ru$' not really needin$ %elp' but %e ta1es a fe" steps for"ard and $rabs t%e ba$ any"ay* .#%an1 you for comin$'. %e "%ispers t%ic1ly* nod and a)ert my eyes to Nat%an* He's still starin$ at 8d"ard "it% a curious loo1 on %is face* .Let's $o inside/. su$$est* pic1 up Nat%an and

8d"ard "al1s a%ead of us "it% t%e $roceries' and

position %im on my %ip* 5artly because %e's not dressed for bein$ outside ri$%t no",%is o)eralls and boots are in a ba$ in t%e car' in case "e're $oin$ out later* And partly because %e's still clin$in$ to me* n t%e %all"ay' remo)e Nate's 2ac1et and snea1ers' not a "ord uttered

by anyone' and follo" "it% my o"n 2ac1et and s%oes* (e're bot% dressed casually' Nat%an in blue s"eatpants and a blac1 lon$-slee)ed t-s%irt' and me in 2eans and a snu$ $rey %oodie* &till 0uiet' "e all "al1 into t%e 1itc%en' and t%is is "%ere brea1 t%e silence* pic1 up Nate a$ain and sit %im do"n on t%e 1itc%en island' 2ust as 8d"ard places t%e ba$ of $roceries on t%e counter ne9t to t%e sto)e* feel t%e need to

ntroducin$ t%em "ould feel4a"1"ard' formal' and "eird* nstead' "it% 8d"ard's bac1 turned to us' 8d"ard "ill still %ear us* .Did you 1no" t%at Daddy li1es super%eroes' too/. 7y "ords are for Nate' but my eyes are on 8d"ard's bac1* He stiffens but says not%in$' "%ile Nat%an's e9pression turns into one of e)en more curiosity* to read comics "%en %e "as little*. Come on, Cullen. urn around. $ou can do this. .(%at 1ind/. Nate "%ispers bac1' and %e doesn't know %o" to "%isper 0uietly* "in1 at %im* . don't 1no"* 7aybe "e s%ould as1 %im*. &tarin$ at 8d"ard's bac1' pressure %im' but ma1e %im %appy* .(%at 1ind/. Nate as1s a$ain' only t%is time %e loo1s to 8d"ard* .8d"ard/. prompt softly* catc% "ill %im to ma1e a mo)e* don't "ant to nod* .He used pretend to "%isper to Nat%an' 1no"in$ t%at

do t%in1 t%is is t%e easiest "ay to start up a

con)ersation* 7y,our4son4is )ery easy$oin$* t doesn't ta1e muc% to

#%e man in 0uestion clears %is t%roat and turns around slo"ly' and %im 0uic1ly "ipin$ %is c%ee1s* t creates a small crac1 in my %eart* . li1ed many,um' 0ellboy@ read t%at a lot'. %e says 0uietly*

.He's cool'. Nate $i$$les "it% a lopsided $rin* .He's all red* But 7ommy says 'm too little to see t%e mo)ies* #%ere are t"o 0ellboy mo)ies*. And %e %olds up t%ree fin$ers*

8d"ard's s%oulders sa$ and %is eyes flic1 to mine*

see relief*

#%e corners of my lips tu$ up"ard* 7y e9pression tells %im4rela6= he's not di""icult to impress, Cullen. .7ommy's fa)orite is 'atman'. Nat%an says matter-of-factly* c%uc1le and roll my eyes* #%en 1itc%en island before tension* .'atman' %u%/. 8d"ard smiles at me,carefully' %esitantly* . t's t%e only one He $rins* .#%e mo)ies are $ood'. t%in$* .<eor$e Clooney/. admit* +t%er"ise' super%eroes aren't really my nud$e %is side "it% my elbo"* .#%e best bot%ered to read'. "%isper to %im be%ind my %and* scoot %im across t%e surface on t%e need somet%in$ to occupy my

"al1 around it*

%ands@ coo1in$ "ill ta1e care of t%at* Hopefully' it "ill also li$%ten t%e

Batman e)er*. And t%e %ottest* C%ristian Bale can ta1e a %i1e* .Not Val Kilmer/. %e teases* s%a1e my %ead no and start to unload t%e in$redients for t%e soup* (%ile rumma$e t%rou$% t%e cabinets' 8d"ard and Nate tal1 about t%in1 it's impossible any"ay*

super%eroes* t's easy to see t%at 8d"ard isn't as obsessed as Nate is "it% &uperman and all t%e $a:illion ot%ers' but t's all Nate tal1s about' it seems* ?e$ardless' 8d"ard is far from clueless' and t%e ice is currently brea1in$' meltin$ a"ay* #%e only ne$ati)e t%in$ t%at comes "it% coo1in$ is t%at my mind tends to "ander*

(it% bot% Nate and 8d"ard busy' don't 1no" "%at

start t%in1in$ about my o"n feelin$s'

my o"n reactions' and my o"n t%ou$%ts on all t%is* And trut% be told' feel yet* 'm mostly relie)ed my son seems to be doin$ o1ay* 8d"ard' too* As for my o"n emotions4 2ust don't 1no" yet* 5er%aps it "ill %it me later* A %and on my s%oulder startles me and brin$s me bac1 to t%e present* .&orry'. 8d"ard says' 0uic1ly pullin$ %is %and a"ay* . said your name' but you seemed out of it*. +%* it o1ay if release a breat% and nod for %im to $o on* .6%' Nat%an as1ed if %e could meet #a:/ He's upstairs in my room* s brin$ %im do"n %ere/. say slo"ly' $lancin$ o)er to Nate* He's still sittin$ on

.6m' of course'.

t%e island' a %opeful smile on %is face* t ma1es me smile in return* .All ri$%t' 'll be ri$%t bac1'. 8d"ard promises before lea)in$ t%e 1itc%en* raise a bro" at my boy* . t's $oin$ "ell' isn't it/. "%isper*

.6%-%u%* He's cool*. He nods' seemin$ly %a)in$ 2ust anot%er re$ular day* .Can %a)e some' please/. He points to t%e carrots 'm slicin$* . s t%ere any ranc% dip/. .No' sorry*. snic1er and cut %im a fe" carrot stic1s@ t%ey're easier for

%im to %old on to* . 'm ma1in$ t%e curry soup,t%at o1ay/. He $i)es me %is appro)al as "e %ear t%e sound of a %u$e bear comin$ do"n t%e stairs* (ell' at least t%at's "%at it sounds li1e* n reality' it's a blac1 Labrador t%at runs do"n and into t%e 1itc%en* 8d"ard follo"s* .+o%' can pet %im/. Nat%an as1s' $rinnin$ do"n from t%e island at t%e

do$* #a: pretty muc% 2ust stands t%ere' tail "a$$in$ and ton$ue %an$in$ out* He ta1es a "%iff of my le$ before4not%in$* .Hi' #a:;. Nate "a)es at %im*

.&ure'. 8d"ard ans"ers and "al1s to"ard Nate* He's about to %elp Nat%an do"n "%en %e suddenly stops and 0uic1ly loo1s to me' eyes s%o"in$ sli$%t panic* stare at %im' a c%allen$in$ $rin on my face* 'Cause coc1 a bro" for $ood

measure* t's so t%at %e reali:es %e %as not%in$ to frea1in' panic about* doubt Nate "ill e)en care t%at %is dad is about to pic1 %im up* For t%e first time* 8)er* #%at t%ou$%t ma1es my $a:e soften' and nod* . t's o1ay'. mout%* offer 8d"ard an encoura$in$

He nods' too' maybe to %imself' and t%en closes t%e distance and lifts up Nate* #%e si$%t of t%e t"o of t%em so close' loo1in$ so ali1e' causes a "a)e of emotions to rus% t%rou$% me,emotions a somersault' and didn't e9pect* 7y stomac% does sorta %old my breat% t%ere for a moment*

8d"ard seems almost reluctant to let $o of Nate but does so any"ay* .He's li1e a bi$ teddy bear'. 8d"ard c%uc1les' s0uattin$ do"n ne9t to t%e four-year-old "%o is starin$ "ide-eyed at #a:* +%' fuc1* t%at* lo)e do$s' but 2ust 1no" t%e 1id is $onna as1 for a do$ t%e minute "e $o %ome* (ell' 'll %a)e none of %ardly %a)e t%e time* He "ill 2ust %a)e to settle for #a: "%ene)er "e're out %ere* Nate is sold' and "%ile continue preparin$ lunc%' %e and 8d"ard sit on

t%e 1itc%en floor and pet #a: and tal1 more about super%eroes* 8)ery no" and t%en' 8d"ard "ill try to c%an$e t%e sub2ect and as1 tri)ial 0uestions about Nate's li1es and disli1es' but it al"ays comes bac1 to super%eroes* n t%e end' 8d"ard and s%are a lau$% at Nate's obsession*

t feels $ood* =C38= Lunc% is4 "ouldn't say uncomfortable because t%at "ould be a lie' but it's definitely different* Li1e t%e last time t%e li)in$ room' and eyes' eatin$* .#%ere's no rus%' 1iddo'. easy' o1ay/. He nods and eats slo"er* For a little "%ile* .(%at are your plans/. 8d"ard as1s me 0uietly* .3ou're not, mean' are you lea)in$ soon/. smile and $rab anot%er roll* .#%ere's no rus%'. repeat in a "%isper* c%uc1le and "ipe Nate's c%in of soup* .#a1e it "as %ere' "e sit by t%e table in catc% 8d"ard starin$ at me se)eral times* (it% my

as1 %im "%at's up' but %e 2ust s%a1es %is %ead and returns to

. 'm pretty sure Nate "ants to "atc% a mo)ie after t%is,if t%at's o1ay*. #%e relief is "ritten all o)er 8d"ard's features* .7ore t%an o1ay*. "in1* .3ou mi$%t t%in1 differently once you 1no" "%at mo)ie it is*. He lau$%s t%rou$% %is nose' loo1in$ so $enuinely %appy t%at it's conta$ious* .&o4"%ere's 8mmett today/. "onder*

.He's in Kenai'. %e responds* . t%in1 %e's $ettin$ ready to call ?osalie' and %e "anted pri)acy for t%at*. nod in understandin$* . %ope t%ey'll "or1 it out*. =C38=

After lunc%' 8d"ard %elps Nat%an put on t%e mo)ie "%ile t%e 1itc%en "it% t%e snac1s* $uess t"o by t%emsel)es* But after a "%ile'

stall a little in

2ust "ant t%em to %a)e a minute or ta1e t%e t"o bo"ls "it% popcorn

and candy and "al1 bac1 to t%e li)in$ room* #%ree $lasses and a bottle of &prite are already set on t%e table' and t%e li$%t %as been dimmed lo"* .(%at 1inda mo)ie is t%is/. 8d"ard as1s' %oldin$ up t%e co)er* . t loo1s4. . t suc1s'. mout%' referrin$ to 8ick:+ss* .+%' it's 2ust terrific'. add for

Nate's benefit* . t's a"esome*. Nate nods' $rinnin$ "idely* .7ommy li1es it lots*. $i)e 8d"ard a loo1' to "%ic% %e snic1ers and plops do"n on t%e couc%* (it% %im occupyin$ one end of t%e couc%' Nat%an ends up in t%e middle* .6se bot% %ands' baby'. remind %im "%en %e reac%es for %is &prite* promise*. sit do"n on t%e ot%er' and

He $i)es me t%e stin1-eye* . "as $onna' .?i$%t*.

stifle a $i$$le and $i)e t%e remote to 8d"ard* .7aestro/. s%ould')e "arned %im about %o" Nate

8d"ard pus%es play' and maybe

$ets "%en a .$ood. mo)ie is on* 'Cause %ere's t%e t%in$: %e li1es to $i)e %is o"n commentary' and %e can't,under any circumstances,sit still* A fe" minutes later' Nate be$ins* .#%at's Da)e' Daddy;. He points to t%e screen* .He's Kic1-Ass*. 7y eyes find 8d"ard ri$%t a"ay' 1no"in$ )ery "ell it is t%e first time Nate %as called %im Daddy* >ud$in$ by 8d"ard's e9pression' %e 1no"s it' too' and %e's not t%e only one "%o $ets c%o1ed up* feel t%e same*

.3ou o1ay/.

as1 0uietly*

He s"allo"s %ard and offers a small nod* But about t"enty minutes later' can see t%at it's becomin$ too muc% for

%im* Nat%an is basically bouncin$ on 8d"ard's lap' pointin$ out t%e different .%eroes. in t%e mo)ie and "%at t%ey can do* .7ommy' %ere comes Hit-<irl a$ain;. And Nate 2umps o)er to me' practically )ibratin$ "it% e9citement* . 1no"'. c%uc1le and ruffle %is %air* loo1 to %im* . 2ust4. He 2er1s %is t%umb

.Bella'. 8d"ard "%ispers' and

o)er %is s%oulder' in t%e direction of t%e front door* . need a minute*. .+f course'. "%isper bac1' concerned*

. 'll be ri$%t bac1' buddy'. %e tells Nat%an' plasterin$ a $rin on %is face* But can see t%at %e %as reac%ed %is limit and is o)er"%elmed*

.Hurry,you don't "anna miss t%e fi$%t'. Nate mumbles' eyes on t%e screen as %e attac1s t%e popcorn bo"l* .3ea%' Kic1-Ass;. "atc% as 8d"ard lea)es* Fi)e minutes' t%at's all sure %e's o1ay* .7ommy "ill be ri$%t bac1' Nate'. somet%in$' "e're 2ust outside*. .6%-%u%*. He's too en$rossed in t%e mo)ie* say as stand up* . f you need can ta1e* #%en %a)e to $o outside and ma1e

(it% 0uic1 steps' my 2ac1et'

ma1e it to t%e %all"ay and put on my boots* For$oin$

open t%e door and spot 8d"ard sittin$ on t%e porc% s"in$*

8lbo"s on %is 1nees' and %ands cradlin$ %is face* .8d"ard/. say softly*

He $oes ri$id for a second but rela9es 0uic1ly* .&orry'. %e croa1s' "ipin$ %is c%ee1s* . t's 2ust4. .Hey' it's o1ay@ of %im' $et it'. murmur and "al1 to"ard %im* &tandin$ in front

act on instinct and place a %and on %is s%oulder* notice t%at %is %ands are

.Fuc1'. %e "%impers' s0uee:in$ %is eyes s%ut* no" balled into ti$%t fists' too* ta1e a step for"ard' "antin$ to4comfort'

t%in1*

&eein$ %im so s%a1en is a ne" e9perience for me* t stirs up a s%itload of feelin$s* .He's ama:in$' #in1s'. %e c%o1es out' loo1in$ up at me* %old my breat%'

ta1en abac1 by t%e ra" emotion in %is eyes* .And 'm so fuc1in$ sorry*. His face crumbles a$ain' and %e a)erts %is eyes once more* . 'm sorry*. don't reply' but close t%e distance and %u$ %im*

nstead of calmin$ do"n' 8d"ard brea1s* He lets out a small cry and places %is %ands on t%e bac1side of my t%i$%s* #%en %e drops %is fore%ead to my stomac% and s0uee:es me to %im* #%ere's not%in$ can do but be t%ere* Here*

. 'm sorry'. %e sobs' t%e sound muffled by my %oodie* . 'm so sorry*. belie)e %im*

. 1no"'.

"%isper' stro1in$ %is %air* t's still so soft* #%e "ay

remember it* . ')e missed so muc%'. %e "%impers* Blin1in$ bac1 my o"n tears' reali:e t%at missin$ out on Nat%an's first

four years "ill al"ays be %is bi$$est re$ret* A pinc% of resentment melts a"ay* As %orrible as it may sound' it $i)es me comfort to 1no"' see' and feel %o" muc% %e actually lo)es Nate* maybe mean4seein$ t%is' seein$ %o" upset don't 1no"' but it ma1es sense in and bro1en %e is4yea%' it matters to me* Had %e not been t%is "ay' t%en "ouldn't %a)e belie)ed %im/ my %ead* &uddenly' 8d"ard stands up' only to "rap %is arms around my s%oulders* +nce a$ain' %e repeats %o" sorry %e is' but t%e breat% outta eac% ot%er* &ilent tears tric1le do"n my c%ee1s as midsection* ti$%ten my %old on %is tune it out and focus on t%e fact t%at "e're %u$$in$* Not only t%at' but "e're pretty muc% s0uee:in$

Chapter song Wide +wake by he Dirty #u%'nahs EPOV

I let out a shaky breath and blink back tears, my heart threatening to pound its way out o" my chest. 0a%e you e%er looked into your own eyes( .nly, they don't belong to you( -ot a million photo albums could'%e prepared me "or seeing -athan "or the "irst time. It's not the same, and now, now all I can see are his eyes. he innocence and curiosity in them. With his little arms wrapped around 'ella's thigh, I watch him peering up at me, not saying a word. *aybe he's shy( I don't know, but I had the idea that shy people a%erted their eyes. 'ut he doesn't. 0e 2ust watches, and I'm a"raid o" a little kid;o" the child standing mere "eet in "ront o" me. I'm scared to death that he's gonna be disappointed. 'Cause these past couple o" weeks, I'%e heard all about -athan's obsession with superheroes. I'm not a hero. I hope he doesn't e6pect me to be one. I" anything, he's mine. 0e and 'ella/they're who I had in mind when I "inally started "ighting "or reco%ery. .0i,) I hear 'ella say 9uietly. hump:thump:thump:thump:thump:thump. *y heart keeps pounding "uriously. Forcing my eyes to lea%e -athan, I "ind 'ella's eyes instead. )0ey,) I respond dumbly. It's sort o" an out:o":body e6perience. )3m.) I think I'm in shock;I don't know. )-eed any help with that() I point to the bag in her hands.

!he shrugs, but my "eet carry me closer, and I reali,e that's what I want, need, and ha%e to ha%e;closeness. 0e's here, they're here, I chant internally. +nd it hits me on a new le%el. hey're really here. 'ella's really gi%ing me this chance to own up to my "uck:ups. . hank you "or coming,) I whisper, a bit more tear"ully than I wished. !he nods and then suggests we go inside. It gi%es me a moment to try to pull mysel" together. I'm already "alling apart, barely able to breathe. 0e's here, behind me, in the kitchen;they both are. *y "ucking son. his is huge. Incomprehensible. .%erwhelming. I gi%e mysel" an internal pep talk, determined to get through this day without breaking down. -ot that it would'%e been weak to start crying like a bitch;I think, I hope;but I want to en2oy this. I want to en2oy the "irst day I ha%e with my own son. +t this point, I don't know that I'm going to "ail at keeping my emotions in check. In retrospect, it was an impossible "eat. he story o" my li"e;hindsight is >AF>A. remember t%is %appenin$ to me before,brea1in$ do"n and bein$ unable to fuc1in$ stop* 'm out of control' muc% li1e last time* +nly t%is time' 'm clin$in$ to #in1s as if s%e's "%at %olds me to$et%er* Last time' "as alone in my condo' surrounded by empty )od1a bottles*

#%e tears "ouldn't stop t%en' and t%ey "on't stop no"* I'm sorry. "anted %er to %a)e an abortion bac1 t%en* complicate my life more' didn't need more an$st* didn't "ant Bella to

didn't "ant a 1id to brin$ me do"n furt%er' and also didn't "ant my dad to find out and ta1e

%is an$er out on %er* +r me4more t%an %e "as already doin$' t%at is* &o' t%re" t%at money on Bella,t%e money for t%e abortion* And before t%at' 'd called %er a "ort%less "%ore4in front of t%e entire sc%ool* I'm sorry. #%ose t"o "ords are pat%etic' so inade0uate* #%e pile of re$rets is li1e,li1e a fuc1in$ mountain* "ill al"ays li)e "it% t%ose re$rets* #%ere "ill al"ays be t%at little twist, stab, churn $oin$ on inside of me* #o be %onest' #in1s for$i)in$ me is t%e last t%in$ on my mind' because 1no" But "ill "on't e)er for$i)e myself* 7o)in$ on' sure' 'll do t%at* "ill li)e* e)er loo1 into %er eyes and not be reminded of "%at ')e done/ started plannin$ all t%at4shit put %er "as so "as didn't "ould

From t%e be$innin$' "%en

t%rou$%4 1ne" %o" %ars%' %o" monstrous' and %o" )ile it'd be* a"are' and t%at's "%at 1illin$ me ri$%t no"* Had not known t%at still 1ne" about to fuc1in$ crush %er' maybe it "ould')e been different* No' %a)e a $rasp of e9actly %o" much 'd destroy %er' but ,to some e9tent* I'm so sorry.

.&%%%*. &%e soot%es me' stro1es my %air' as if 'm some $ood $uy "%o deser)es it* .Deep breat%s' 8d"ard'. s%e "%ispers*

'm $lad s%e doesn't utter t%e "ords' . t's o1ay*. Because t%is is so far from o1ay* But 'm still selfis%* don't brea1 a"ay, don't end t%e %u$'

'cause4'cause t%is is t%e first %u$ ')e recei)ed in years* &orry' but 8mmett's bro-%u$s don't count* n fact' 'm pretty sure t%e last person #in1s* Ho" fuc1ed up is t%at/ (%at's e)en more fuc1ed up is t%at .Fuc1'. paid to %a)e my son 1illed* %u$$ed prior to t%is "as also

c%o1e out' and4twist, stab, churn* 7y stomac% is a 1notted

mess' nausea creepin$ up* And t%e $uilt4>esus C%rist' it's eatin$ me ali)e* Feelin$ my 1nees buc1le' end up on t%e porc% s"in$ a$ain' but brin$

Bella "it% me' not $i)in$ a fuc1 about personal space and "%at's appropriate* 'm 2ust star)ed for some closeness* Vicious $oddamn cycle: need to pro)e myself' yet I'm sorry, inks. .8d"ard'. s%e breat%es out' %u$$in$ my nec1* 7y face is buried in t%e croo1 of %ers' "it% my arms no" sna1ed around %er "aist* And t%at ')e forced %er onto my lap' %er le$s straddlin$ me* .&top apolo$i:in$*. s%a1e my %ead minutely' $aspin$ for air* .Ne)er*. s0uee:e %er so reali:e use %er,to comfort my sorry ass/

%ard' "antin$ to $o bac1 in time and run a"ay "it% %er* f 'd done t%at' maybe "ould')e been t%e one "%o too1 t%at p%oto of

Nat%an on #in1s' c%est,ri$%t after %is birt%*

Fucking hindsight. 7aybe "ould')e been t%ere to see %is first step' to %ear %is first "ord' to don't 2ust "is% 'd been t%ere t%e first

ta1e all t%ose pictures* And it "ould')e been more t%an t%at* "ant t%e milestones' t%e %appy moments* to %u$ %im and brus% a"ay %is tears* "ould')e %eld %im*

time %e "as sic1 or %urt %imself,to comfort %im' to %a)e %im rely on me'

only 1no" "%at it feels li1e to %a)e %im in my arms as a four year old* I run up the stairs, my heart "inally drumming at a slower pace. I'm still in shock, I think, to ha%e them here;both o" them. 'ut I can breathe now, as opposed to "i"teen minutes ago. .pening the door to my room, I see a, on my bed, looking nothing like a guard dog. he la,y "uck is on his back, mouth popped open and tongue hanging out. . a,,) I say, snapping my "ingers= he startles awake. +"ter 2umping down "rom the bed, he moseys o%er to me and rubs his "ace against my leg, which means he wants to be scratched. )Is chasing birds really the only way to keep you alert() I s9uat down in "ront o" him and scratch him behind his ear. I blow out a breath. )'e good down there, yeah() I swallow hard. )I" you can do a "ew tricks, I'd appreciate it.) $eah, okay, this is stupid, 'cause a, only knows how to sit and heel on command. I guess I 2ust/ )I guess I 2ust want my son to like you,) I whisper and then let out a shaky laugh. *y son;I 2ust wanted to say the words, and I did it to my "ucking dog. )Come on, you la,y bum.) a, barrels down the stairs, and I "ollow him through the li%ing room and into the kitchen. he cabin is already smelling delicious thanks to

whate%er 'ella's got cooking on the sto%e. I think she's "rying curry with butter and a bunch o" %egetables. It makes my mouth water. ..oh, can I pet him() -athan asks, bouncing a little as he sits on the kitchen island. 0is grin, lopsided as my own, is wide and dedicated to a, on the "loor. )0i, a,4) I smile when he wa%es down at the dog. 0e's me at that age;-athan, he's me. *y own baby book told me as much when I compared mine and -ate's this past week. I ne%er thought I'd go through the photos "rom my past, but when I opened one o" the se%eral albums 'ella let me borrow, I grew curious= I wanted to see i" there were similarities;more o" them. 7emembering -ate's 9uestion about petting a,, I respond with a )!ure,) and walk toward him to help him down to the "loor. *y arms are reaching "or him when I reali,e what I'm doing, and I panic "or a second, eyes seeking out 'ella. !he 2ust grins and cocks a brow, seemingly not seeing the big deal. 'ut it is a big deal, because i" -athan allows me to pick him up, I'm a"raid I won't be able to let the kid go. + moment later though, her ga,e so"tens and she gi%es me a small nod, an e9ually small smile playing on her lips. .It's okay,) she mouths. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. 7eleasing a breath, I nod to mysel" and close the distance. *y hands go under his arms, and I pick him up, immediately pulling him close. !hit, what i" I dropped him, huh( 'ella would run "or her li"e. I 2ust wanna hug him to me;"eel his arms around my neck or something. -athan is all giggles as I slowly lower him to the "loor, completely unaware o" the signi"icance o" all this.

I don't know i" I'm thank"ul or disappointed. #in1s' fin$ers playin$ "it% t%e fine %airs on t%e bac1 of my nec1 brin$s me bac1 to no"* let out a s%udderin$ breat% and $i)e %er "aist a s0uee:e* . 'm sorry'. breat%e out' snifflin$* Bac1in$ a"ay a little' use t%e

slee)es of my %oodie to "ipe my c%ee1s* fabric of Bella's s%irt* .Fuc1,sorry'. "et spots*

also see %o" ')e soa1ed t%e

mumble' brus%in$ a t%umb o)er t%e

&%e 2ust s%ru$s and smiles as s%e taps my s%oulder "it% a fin$er* tilt my %ead and loo1 do"n' only to see t%at t%ere's a damp spot on my s%irt' too* And "%en little red* t's "eird %o" once caused %er tears and didn't $i)e a fuc1' but no"4it meet %er $a:e a$ain' notice t%at %er eyes are a

brea1s my fuc1in$ %eart to see %er sad* .Feelin$ better/. s%e as1s softly* nod* .A little* #%an1 you*. .%erwhelming( . 1no"*. &%e smiles 1no"in$ly and touc%es my c%ee1* (%ic% causes me to close my eyes and sa)or* &%e %as no idea %o" sorry am' %o" loo1 up to %er' %o" proud feel about %er' %o" am of %er' %o" muc% s"allo"* . t's been4. a big day( oo much(

adore %er* . "ill for$i)e you' 8d"ard'. s%e "%ispers* At t%at' my eyes flas% open a$ain* .>ust4patience' all ri$%t/. 7y bro"s furro"' "onderin$ if s%e's really bein$ %onest* Because can't see %o" s%e could e)er for$i)e mean all of it,"%at "ill for$i)e you me* . 'm not 2ust tal1in$ about t%is,t%is "it% Nate* for all of it* 2ust need time*.

%appened in t%e past*. &%e blo"s out a breat%* . 1no"

s%a1e my %ead' blin1in$ bac1 a ne" round of tears* .3ou s%ouldn't'. croa1* &%e smiles ruefully* .3ou're "ron$*. No* 'm not* . can see t%at you')e c%an$ed' Cullen* And4. &%e $rimaces and a)erts %er eyes* . "on't punis% you for somet%in$ Carlisle and 8sme did*. .#%ey didn't "rite on t%ose loc1ers'. $rit out* .#%ey didn't 1noc1 you up'

and t%ey didn't t%ro" money at you for an abortion*. . 'd li1e to t%in1 "e're bot% responsible for $ettin$ me pre$nant'. s%e responds dryly' foldin$ %er %ands bet"een us* 7y o"n are %an$in$ limply at my sides* .As for t%e rest4. &%e c%uc1les %umorlessly* .3ou're ri$%t@ t%at "as all you* But it's not as simple as t%at* Had your parents 2ust been $ood4. tilt my %ead' annoyed and frustrated* . still 1ne" "%at "%isper* . planned t%e "%ole t%in$' remember/ didn't care enou$%* safety@ "as doin$'.

knew' Bella* And

2ust t%ou$%t about myself,about $ettin$ out of c%uc1le dar1ly* . %ad really "anted

For1s* #%ere "as one small part of me t%at t%ou$%t it "as about your o"n "anted to protect you from my fat%er* But4. tap my temple* .Because if "as fuc1ed in t%e %ead*. to protect you' safely* And

"ould')e put my foot do"n and told you to $et out

sure as s%it "ouldn't %a)e as1ed you to $et an abortion*.

wist, stab, churn. "as one selfis%' cruel' )icious mot%erfuc1er* .(%o says "ould')e bac1ed do"n' 8d"ard/. s%e as1s' raisin$ a bro"* . %ad seen "%at abuse did to Alice* 3ou remember %er/. "as afraid you'd do t%e

"as stubborn@ same*

s"allo" %ard and nod %esitantly* .89actly' and

"as also afraid Carlisle "as $onna 1ill you*. &%e s%a1es %er %ead

sadly* . "ouldn't %a)e obeyed if you'd told me to s1ip to"n*.

.Why/. .Because

c%o1e out' unable to understand* cared about you' of course;. s%e "%isper-yells*

Her admission pretty muc% floors me* As my breat% lea)es me in a "%oos%' s%e continues* .7y entire family,e%eryone4"as dead'. s%e $rits out* .Can't you fuc1in$ see t%at' 8d"ard/ As destructi)e as our relations%ip "as' you "ere all %ad at t%at time* 3ou "ere all %ad left;.

#ears fill my eyes' and it feels li1e ')e been punc%ed in t%e $ut* At t%e same time' re)el in t%e 1no"led$e of %a)in$ someone "%o cared about me* At least bac1 t%en* #%e difference bet"een us,four years a$o,"as t%at cared* nstead crus%ed %er to pieces* didn't s%o" t%at

"as suc% a fuc1in$ co"ard* .3ou're beatin$ yourself up for t%e bot% of us'. s%e says 0uietly' flatly* . see it in your eyes' you 1no"/ #%e re$ret' t%e remorse' t%e guilt*. &%e $i)es me a loo1* . don't need to punis% you more' 'cause al"ays 1ill you*. fro"n* .(%at do you mean/. .7issin$ out on Nat%an's first four years'. s%e replies "it% a s%ru$* 3ea%4 twist, stab, churn* .#%at is a time re$ret it*. 3nderstatement. "ill %a)e fore)er* 3ou "on't* 3our decisions bac1 t%en ensured t%at* 3ou pus%ed me a"ay* And no" you 1no" "%at "ill

loo1 do"n' slo"ly placin$ my %ands bet"een us* #%ey almost touc% %ers* >ust a fe" inc%es separate t%em* .Not%in$ "ill ma1e you feel "orse t%an t%at'. s%e "%ispers* .3ou're ri$%t'. breat%e out' s"allo"in$ t%e lump in my t%roat* see %er noddin$* .#%at's also %o" 1no" you lo)e %im*

n my perip%ery' f

didn't see it in your eyes4. murmur %oarsely* .And do'. "%imper' tears spillin$ o)er' .

. $et it'.

do lo)e %im*. #o my surprise' s%e closes t%e distance bet"een our %ands and places %ers in mine* . 1no"'. s%e "%ispers* Holdin$ my breat%' a"ay* &%e doesn't* .>ust $i)e me time' o1ay/. s%e as1s softly* loo1 up and stare into %er eyes* (%at "ore%er. But 'm pretty sure s%e'd misinterpret t%at* No' actually' s%e "ould see it for "%at it is* &%e "ould 1no" "ant it all* (it% %er* "ant to say is4I can gi%e you lace our fin$ers to$et%er' %opin$ s%e "on't pull

#%at "on't %appen,e)er* 7aybe s%e "ill for$i)e me for "%at ')e done' but t%e only t%in$ "e "ill s%are is Nat%an* &%e "on't see me t%e "ay see %er* Hell' s%e's mo)ed on' any"ay* &%e's "it% 7iley*

"ill ta1e "%at of it*

can $et and be $rateful for it' 'cause

don't deser)e any

refuse to be $reedy* say to Bella' in response to %er plea' is' .Anyt%in$*.

#%e only t%in$

&%e smiles and is about to say somet%in$' but t%e door opens' re)ealin$ Nat%an's %ead* A $oofy $rin is in place* t's a si$%t bet"een t%em* .(%at do you mean' baby/. s%e as1s' seemin$ly confused' too* . n t%e mo)ie'. %e e9plains* .Kic1-Ass said4. He lo"ers %is )oice to a "%isper' .He said fffuuu4you 1no" t%e "ord/. 0oly shit* A tearful c%uc1le slips t%rou$% my lips* . 'm sorry'. Bella "%impers' %oldin$ in %er amusement* .3ou're so $ood for not sayin$ t%e "ord bac1*. He $i)es Bella a silly little $rin as %is ears tint red* .Are you comin$ in soon/. %e as1s' bendin$ do"n to pic1 up some sno" from t%e $round* He $i$$les' closin$ %is fist around t%e sno"* .+r can "e $o out and play/ #%e mo)ie is o)er*. Bella loo1s to me' arc%in$ a bro" in 0uestion* s%ru$ and decide to be %onest* . 'm not ready for you to lea)e yet'. admit softly* &%e s0uee:es my %ands* . t's still pretty early* #%ere's no rus%*. #%en s%e turns to Nat%an* .<o inside@ Daddy and "ill $et your sno"suit from t%e car*. "ill be bac1 in in a minute' and can only smile at* He's too fuc1in$ $lance

cute* .7ommy' you for$ot to s1ip a part'. %e tells %er* Confused'

hat4"%at s%e calls me4Daddy4it "on't e)er $et old* f Nat%an calls me Daddy a$ain' t%at "on't e)er $et old' eit%er* Because t%e first time4 t%ou$%t "as $onna burst*

I don't really ha%e a clue what the mo%ie's about, but I couldn't care less about it. What I do care about is watching -athan and seeing how enthusiastic he is. 0e's a happy little kid, which only makes me want to worship the ground 'ella walks on. 'ecause she's the one who has gi%en him e%erything. !he's gi%en him the "oundation "or a happy childhood and, unlike my own parents, I know 'ella won't stop. -athan is her world. .!hhh4 It's starting,) -athan says, e%en though 'ella and I ha%en't uttered a word. I smile down at him, not gi%ing a "uck about the screen. 0e can't e%en sit still. ) hat's Da%e, Daddy4) 0e points to the C. *eanwhile, my eyes widen and I "eel my "ace drain o" color. !ucking in a 9uick breath, I try not to lose it. I heard him right, didn't I( In need o" con"irmation, I tilt my head in 'ella's direction, and I'm met with her concerned e6pression. $ep, I heard him correctly. 0e 2ust called me;he called me/ .h, "uck. .$ou okay() she asks almost silently. -o, I'm not okay. *y son 2ust called me Daddy "or the "irst time, and I'm a"raid to "all apart. 8eep it together, Cullen4

o 'ella, I o""er a small nod. +s i" I weren't already struggling, the ne6t twenty minutes or so are pure torture. 7epeatedly, I blink back tears and try to control my breathing. 'ut when -athan 2umps onto my lap, I know it's only a matter o" seconds be"ore the "loodgates open. 0e's so so"t, so small, and so "ucking ama,ing. +nd he's right here, pointing things out to me. 0is little hand is "isting my shirt, his little butt is wriggling, and his eyes are darting between my own and the screen as he introduces the characters. oo much, too much, too much. *y chest hea%es with a shuddering breath, one that I ha%e to push down be"ore it turns into an ugly sob. I don't wanna scare the poor kid to death with my uncontrollable emotions. .Da%e want to do kissy "aces with that girl,) he giggles, pointing at the girl in the mo%ie. +t the same time, he leans back with his head resting on my chest. + chest that "eels like it's e6panding in e%ery way possible. &iterally, "igurati%ely, physically/like I'm about to e6plode. I "eel lightheaded, and I need to get out o" here "or a moment. When -athan bounces o%er to 'ella and says something about a 0it:#irl, I get my opportunity. .'ella,) I choke out in a whisper. !he looks to me. )I 2ust/) *y throat closes up, so I 2erk my thumb o%er my shoulder. I draw a 9uick, shallow breath. )I need a minute.) .." course,) she whispers back.

#%at brou$%t me out %ere* .&o' s%all "e bundle up/. Bella su$$ests* nod 0uic1ly* .Let's $o for it*. And s%e lea)es my lap* t's sad %o" bereft =C38= .Ho" are "e $onna team up' %oney/. Bella as1s Nat%an* #%e boy loo1s t%ou$%tful for a minute' all "%ile pretty deep' mo)in$ isn't t%e easiest for %im* I should clear the dri%eway again. #a: is out %ere' too' and Nat%an %as decided t%at #a: is %is side1ic1* .Boys a$ainst $irls/. Bella su$$ests and s%oots me a "in1* raise a bro" at %er* .(e're one' t"o' t%ree boys' 7ommy'. Nat%an says' scrunc%in$ %is nose* . can ta1e care of myself' buddy' promise'. Bella retorts' amused and4 can't "ipe t%e $rin off feel*

my face* n %is sno"suit' %e's a little ball of ener$y* And since t%e sno" is

a little too confident' in my %umble opinion* .3ou sure about t%at/. as1' scratc%in$ my eyebro"* . $otta say' your point do"n at t%e sno"*

coc1iness ma1es me "anna4.

&%e lau$%s* .7a1es you "anna "%at/ #%ro" sno"balls at me/ (ell' you $otta aim ri$%t to do t%at* 7aybe your aim stin1s*. .+%'. c%uc1le* .3ou really s%ouldn't %a)e said t%at' &"an*.

.Does your aim stin1' Daddy/.

1esus Christ, slay me already. Loo1in$ do"n at Nat%an' "%o's standin$ ri$%t ne9t to me' my emotions* 'm $ettin$ used it* . t does not stin1'. say' $rinnin$* (%en my )ision blurs at t%e ed$es' pus% do"n

blin1 t%at s%it bac1* .(ant me to s%o" you/. His smile "idens* .3es; #%ro" somet%in$ at 7ommy's car*. 7y mout% opens and t%en closes* Bella lets out a cute s0uea1 in protest* can't blame %er* .Ho" about a tree'. 7ommy's car*. .No' "e don't*. Bella sco"ls playfully* .3ea%' o1ay' t%at one o)er t%eu%*. Nat%an points to t%e lar$e tree ri$%t ne9t to my carport* (it% a nod' #%en stand up and press t%e sno" a little %arder before 'm done* say slo"ly' amused' s0uattin$ do"n ne9t to %im*

pic1 up some sno" and start formin$ a sno"ball* .(e don't "ant to %urt

pull my arm bac1 and t%ro" t%e ball' slammin$ it into t%e tree'

"%ic% causes t%e sno"ball to s%atter* smir1 at Bella@ s%e $i)es me a $lare* .3ay; Boys '$ainst $irls;. Nat%an proclaims* (%at %adn't anticipated "as Bella's o"n stellar aim*

'Cause "%en t%e epic "ar be$ins' it feels li1e s%e's ricoc%etin$ t%em at a speed 'd call in%uman* 7ean"%ile' Nat%an is smart and %ides be%ind me* +%' and t%e sno"balls ma1e' %e ta1es*

.+oo%' t%ree tou$% boys;. s%e moc1s t%rou$% lau$%s* .Nate' 8d"ard' come on; #a: is t%e only one "%o %as actually $otten close to me;. 3ea%' and "%y can't my do$ t%ro" a ball/ #%at'd be cool* Crouc%in$ do"n' onto my bac1*. ma1e t"o sno"balls and t%en tell Nat%an' .Buddy' %op fi$ure can s%ield %im "%ile ad)ance on #in1s*

Nat%an doesn't %esitate' and all .(e $onna $et you' 7ommy;.

%ear are %is $i$$les and belly lau$%s*

.Crap'. Bella mutters' runnin$ to"ard %er &6V* lau$% and follo"' Nat%an clin$in$ to my nec1* .A"' Bella; Don't be a pansy;. .Can %a)e a sno"ball/. Nat%an as1s in my ear* $i)e

nod and %and one to %im' 1eepin$ t%e second for myself* #%en up' and

#in1s a $ood c%ase around %er car* 8)entually' t%ou$%' "e finally catc% t%ro" t%e sno"ball at t%e bac1 of %er %ead* Her %oodie is up and still $ot %er enou$% to ma1e %er yelp* s%e's also "earin$ a beanie' but

.(e "in;. Nat%an yells* .Daddy' "e "in;. crin$e at t%e )olume but can't "ipe a"ay t%e )ictorious smile on my face* .3ou "in/;. Bella e9claims incredulously* .(%at about t%e t"enty sno"balls %it you "it%/. settle %im on my %ip* .#%ey tease*

s%ru$ and pull Nat%an to my front' "%ere

don't count* Don't you 1no" t%e rules' #in1s/.

Her face falls for a second' and corners of %er lips a$ain*

1no"

slipped* <rimacin$'

mout% an

apolo$y to %er' but to my relief s%e "a)es it off' a smile tu$$in$ at t%e

.Fine,you "in'. s%e $rumbles' s%ootin$ us anot%er playful sco"l* .Can "e ma1e sno" an$els no"/. Nat%an as1s' s0uirmin$ to $et do"n to t%e $round* are best*. . bet s%e's ri$%t'. murmur' catc%in$ Bella's beamin$ smile* let %im $o reluctantly' but my c%est feels li$%ter "%en %e can s%o" you %o" to do 'em* 7ommy say mine $rabs my %and* .Daddy'

.3ou $o a%ead'. s%e tells us* . 'm 2ust $onna $et somet%in$ from t%e car*. (it% a nod' my porc%* .3ou $otta lie do"n*. He points to t%e sno"* Amused' obey %im and sit do"n on my ass* #%e %ood $oes up on my follo" Nat%an to an untouc%ed patc% of sno" to t%e left of

%ead' too' and 'm fuc1in$ t%an1ful no" t%at 8mmett forced me to buy t%ermals and s1i pants* Ho"e)er' 'm not "earin$ a 2ac1et* >ust an unders%irt and a %oodie* But4"%ate)er* t's not too cold so far' and it's a nice day* .Don't you %a)e to lie do"n' too/. comfortable' $otta say* c%uc1le as lie do"n* t's fuc1in$

. "ill'. %e says simply* .+1ay' out "it' your arms*. He loo1s so serious' studyin$ my arms as sno" up my slee)es* nside my $lo)es' too* pus% t%em out* And s%it' $ot

Be%ind Nat%an'

can see #in1s approac%in$* &%e %olds a fin$er o)er %er don't' curious to see

lips' silently tellin$ me not to $i)e %er a"ay* &o' "%at s%e's $onna do*

7y ans"er comes "%en Bella pic1s Nat%an up and tosses %im in t%e deep sno" ri$%t ne9t to me* . "in;. s%e lau$%s' fist pumpin$ t%e air* .7ommy;. Nat%an screec%es and sits up* . "asn't ready;. He s%a1es off some sno" li1e #a: "ould do* &pea1in$ of #a:' see t%at %e's sittin$ ne9t to Bella's le$s* >ust so fuc1in$ calmly* .Can "e do it a$ain/. At t%at' bot% Bella and crac1 up*

Nat%an' "it% %is nose a little red' tries to stand up' but %e trips and lands ri$%t on top of me* .+omp%;. #%e air lea)es my lun$s' "%ic% causes my lau$%ter to turn into "%ee:in$ cou$%s* n all my t"enty-t"o years on t%is planet' carefree* .3ou o1ay' bud/. $i$$le li1e a $irl* stifle lau$%* .&'t%e sno"suit's fault don't t%in1 ')e e)er felt t%is

. 'm cool'. %e says flippantly' and fell*. .+f course*. &ince %umor %im' noddin$*

%a)en't %eard a "ord outta #in1s in a "%ile'

lift my %ead and see

t%at s%e's still standin$ a fe" feet a"ay* +nly no"' s%e's %oldin$ a camera*

Despite t%e cold seepin$ t%rou$% my clot%es' t%ere's also a "armt% rus%in$ t%rou$% me* .Can you loo1 at 7ommy' 1iddo/. Bella as1s* And Nat%an loo1s up' still %alf-sittin$ on my stomac%* .3ou too' Cullen*. &%e flas%es me a 0uic1 $rin before loo1in$ t%rou$% t%e lens a$ain* A bit a"1"ard' smile as s%e clic1s a"ay*

*ental noteB buy a camera. .#%an1 you' boys*. &%e smiles and tuc1s bac1 t%e camera in a small camera ba$* .No"' t%in1 it's time to %ead inside* 8d"ard' your nose is red* &o is yours' Nate*. nstead of feelin$ li1e a c%astised 1id' e)en to me* .Hurry'. Nat%an tells me' loo1in$ oddly upset* .C'mon*. He $ets off me and tu$s on my %and* .<otta $et inside' Daddy;. No" %e loo1s panic1ed' too* What the hell( Bella notices %is e9pression and fro"ns in concern* .Honey' "%at's "ron$/. &tandin$ up' Nat%an* His lip 0ui)ers' and %e's also startin$ to loo1 an$ry* .(e $otta %urry;. He stomps %is foot* .No",before %e $ets sic1 a$ain;. free:e' and not for t%e first time today' t%e $ut* feel li1e ')e been punc%ed in brus% a"ay sno" from my le$s and ass "%ile "atc% 1inda di$ t%at s%e's so mot%erly'

7y %eart fuc1in$ brea1s for %im* And for myself* He t%in1s 'm $oin$ to lea)e a$ain,$et sic1 and $o a"ay* .+%' baby'. Bella si$%s' pic1in$ up Nat%an* He starts to cry' and t%at a$ain*. bite t%e inside of my c%ee1' eyes rapidly "ellin$ up* .Let's $o inside'. s%e murmurs* .(e'll e9plain it to you' o1ay/. Nat%an nods in t%e croo1 of %er nec1* follo" t%em up t%e porc% steps and into t%e %ouse* #a: slin1s t%rou$% before close t%e door be%ind me* don't

t%in1 'm more t%an a fe" minutes after %im* .He's not $onna $et sic1 li1e

#%e %eat from inside feels $ood and comes on so stron$ly t%at my s1in pric1les and stin$s' but it's not enou$%* t's been a "%ile since t%e fire in t%e li)in$ room* .Bella'. say 0uietly' pus%in$ off my s1i pants* &%e's s0uattin$ do"n and don't really 1no" "%at 'm $onna say' but ban1ed

%elpin$ Nat%an "it% %is o)eralls and boots@ s%e loo1s up at me* .Can,can tal1 to %im/. #o be %onest' need %im to 1no" t%at not a mista1e 'll ma1e t"ice* #in1s stares up at me pensi)ely* #%en' "it% one slo" nod' s%e "%ispers' .+1ay*. #urnin$ to Nat%an' s%e %elps %im "it% t%e rest of %is clot%es and says' .Ho" about you and Daddy $o to t%e li)in$ room* n response to "%at s%e said' cupboards* think 7aybe s%e brou$%t it/ can ma1e us some special cocoa*. do mental scan of "%at %a)e in my "on't e)er be able to "al1 a"ay from %im* #%at's

%a)e in$redients for %ot c%ocolate' but 'm not sure*

.+1ay*. Nat%an sniffles and loo1s up at me* force myself to smile for %im and %old out my %and* . 'll 2oin you soon'. Bella says softly before %eadin$ to t%e 1itc%en* .Come on' buddy'. "%isper as %e ta1es my %and* t feels $ood,different

,because before' "%en "e "ere outside' t%ere "ere $lo)es in t%e "ay* .(e can ma1e a fire*. He nods and loo1s do"n* His $rip on my %and ti$%tens* +nce "e're in t%e li)in$ room' $uide %im to t%e corner "%ere t%e fire is'

and t%en "e sit do"n ri$%t in front of it* .Can you s%o" me %o"/. %e mumbles softly* He's still loo1in$ so sad* %ate it* t ma1es my insides %urt* .+f course*. $rab a lo$ from t%e pile and %old it up for %im before $i)e %im

t%ro" it in* #%e fire fi::les and crac1les* .Here,ta1e t%is one*. a smaller piece of "ood* .>ust toss it in*.

C%e"in$ on %is lip' %is eyes dart bet"een t%e lo$ in %is %ands and t%e fire* #%en %e pus%es %imself off %is butt a little and leans for"ard to t%ro" t%e "ood into t%e fire* A small $i$$le escapes %im as %e sits bac1' but t%en it's $one "%en accidently sniffle* .Are you sic1/. %e as1s' bottom lip tremblin$ a$ain* s%a1e my %ead 0uic1ly* . 'm not lea)in$' Nat%an'. my emotions* .6m,7ommy told you %o" "%isper' s"allo"in$

"as sic1' ri$%t/.

He nods* . nside* n your %eart/. 8%* $uess,in a "ay* clear my t%roat* . "as4. blo" out a breat%' rac1in$ my brain

.?i$%t*.

for a $ood e9planation* .7ommy say you "ere an$ry and sad*. nod' 'cause t%at's certainly correct* .7ommy's ri$%t* t "as li1e t%at for a )ery lon$ time* But,um' can you see t%e difference/ "%at do t%at,li1e "or1* .&o' mean4. 3ea%' mean/ C%rist* .&omet%in$ bad %as to %appen to $et sic1 li1e "as* t's not li1e bein$ outside in t%e cold*. +1ay' t%is could "ill probably %a)e a cold sometimes' and t%e flu' too* But %a)e a fe)er' 'm not $oin$ to lea)e*. #%ro"in$ a add' .Not%in$ could ma1e me lea)e you and

t%at's different* 8)en if 7ommy* #%e "ay is a promise c%oice*.

fe" more lo$s onto t%e fire'

"as sic1 before,t%at's not $onna %appen a$ain*. hat

can ma1e* And 1eep* Because lea)in$ Nat%an,2ust t%e

t%ou$%t of it4t%at %urts li1e a mot%erfuc1er* .Lea)in$ "ill ne)er be my

n sic1ness and in %ealt%' 'm %ere* .5romise/. loo1 do"n at %im' into %is $reen eyes* . promise*. Li1e a flip of a s"itc%' %is s%oulders loo1 less tense and %is smile is bac1* And a couple of minutes later' Bella enters t%e li)in$ room "it% a tray %oldin$ t%ree mu$s,t%ose $reen ones "it% pol1a dots t%at 8mmett pic1ed out at K8A in &eattle* notice t%at %er eyes are a little red' so con)ersation* fi$ure s%e's listened to t%e

'd probably do t%at' too' if %ope "%at

"ere %er*

said didn't upset %er' t%ou$%*

.8)eryt%in$ o1ay/. s%e as1s and sits do"n on t%e couc%* .3es'. Nat%an replies for us as %e stands up* lots of c%ocolate syrup for me/. .+f course'. s%e c%uc1les* coc1 a bro" "%en to %er* .6m' no*. &%e smiles bas%fully* . brou$%t it,in case* Here*. &%e %ands me a mu$* . don't ta1e responsibility if you "ind up in a su$ar coma*. snic1er and raise t%e mu$ to my face* .<otc%a*. #a1in$ a sip' 'm immediately assaulted by s"eetness and c%ocolate and c%ocolate and c%ocolate* .(o"*. c%uc1le* . can see "%y Nat%an lo)es t%ese*. may or may not %a)e to as1 Bella for t%e instructions so can ma1e t%em myself* see t%e mu$s' completely topped "it% "%ipped sit do"n ne9t follo" suit* .Did you put in

cream and c%ocolate* .3ou didn't find t%at %ere' did you/.

.#%ey're t%e best*. Nat%an lic1s some "%ipped cream off %is lips* #%e only issue "it% so muc% su$ar is t%at it ma1es me cra)e a fuc1in$ smo1e* Nat%an* .&o4 "as t%in1in$*. Bella definitely %as my attention "%en s%e says somet%in$ li1e t%at* 'm still ner)ous t%at all t%is "ill fall t%rou$%,t%at "ill disappoint %er' t%at s%e "ill ta1e Nat%an a"ay from me* . t's $ettin$ pretty late*. +%* ?i$%t* 3ea%* +f course* %a)en't smo1ed all day' "antin$ to 1eep t%at s%it a"ay from

. $et it'. fore)er*

say' composin$ my face* t's not li1e

can 1eep t%em %ere

. "asn't finis%ed'. s%e says' slappin$ my 1nee* .(ipe off t%at puppy-do$ loo1' please*. &%it* &o muc% for composin$ my face* . t's &unday tomorro"'. s%e $oes on* .(e don't %a)e plans' but "e do need to $o %ome*. &%e releases a breat%* .&o' eit%er you brin$ your butt to Anc%ora$e tomorro"4. .Butt'. Nat%an $i$$les* .+r'. prompt Bella' at t%e ed$e of my seat*

&%e smir1s* .+r you come "it% us no","%en "e lea)e* 3ou can $o "it% us' or you can ta1e your o"n car* f you lea)e "it% us-. . can ta1e a fli$%t %ome tomorro"'. barely belie)e %er %ospitality* .<reat* (e %a)e a pullout couc% in our li)in$ room' or'. s%e snorts a little lau$%' .Nat%an can sleep "it% me' so you'll ta1e %is bed*. .7y bed is a"esome'. Nat%an says seriously* don't "it%%old my smile* .+f course' if you prefer' t%ere are %otels-. A$ain' cut #in1s off* .3our couc% "ill be 2ust fine*. assure %er 0uic1ly* Holy s%it' can

7ore t%an fine*

All

need to do it pac1 a small ba$ and call 8mmett* #a: is $ood to stay

%ere alone for si9 %ours or so' "%ic% "ill $i)e 8mmett plenty of time to return from Kenai* #%at's less t%an t%irty minutes a"ay' so4 .(%en are "e lea)in$/. not%in$ to me "%en as1' suddenly ea$er* But can't "ait to see

Bella's place* And Nat%an's room' and4all of it* Funny' Anc%ora$e "as first $ot to Alas1a* No" can't "ait to $o*

#%is day 2ust $ot e)en better* .After t%is/. Bella su$$ests' %oldin$ up %er mu$* .(e can pic1 up pi::a or somet%in$,%a)e a late dinner "%en "e $et %ome*. !ounds per"ect.

Chapter song +tlas 0ands by 'en2amin Francis &e"twich BPOV +)er t%e ne9t se)eral "ee1s' 8d"ard and establis% a routine "e bot%

feel comfortable "it%,for no"* t starts "it% Nate and me dri)in$ out to &terlin$ on &aturday mornin$@ "e spend t%e entire day t%ere' and t%en 8d"ard follo"s us %ome* He spends t%e ni$%t and t%en eit%er dri)es or flies %ome* t all depends on "%en t%ere's a fli$%t* A fe" times' %e %as stayed 'til 7onday mornin$' too* &o4yea%' "e %a)e e)ery "ee1end to$et%er* He also comes to Anc%ora$e e)ery (ednesday and $oes %ome on #%ursday mornin$* t "as t%ree or four "ee1s a$o "%en %e as1ed if %e

could )isit us durin$ t%e "ee1' too' and o)er2oyed* t's (ednesday today' actually*

a$reed ri$%t a"ay* Nate "as

t's also t%e day ')e planned to introduce 8d"ard to >asper' >ada' and t%eir t"o $irls* #%ey're all comin$ o)er dinner any minute no"* .7ommy' 'm %un$ry'. Nate announces' 2oinin$ me in t%e 1itc%en* .(%at's for dinner/. .5or1 c%ops,you li1e t%ose*. smile and pic1 %im up before sittin$ %im %and %im a fe"

do"n on t%e counter ne9t to t%e sto)e* .Here' baby*. slices of cucumber* .3ou "anna %elp me/. He nods furiously*

%and %im a "%is1 for t%e sauce* .>ust stir in t%is one*.

point at t%e pan

"it% sauce* .(ill you let me 1no" "%en t%e bubbles appear/. .+1ay*. Keepin$ a close eye on %im' return to c%oppin$ )e$etables*

As al"ays' t%ou$%' Nate $ets bored 0uic1ly,"ay before t%e sauce is %ot* .#%ere you $o'. c%uc1le' %elpin$ do"n on t%e floor a$ain*

. can see "%en Daddy $ets %ere'. %e says and runs out of t%e 1itc%en* .Don't open t%e door' t%ou$%;. %oller*

Nat%an 1no"s %e's not allo"ed to open t%e door %imself* . "on't; 'll as1 "%o it is first; promise;.

snic1er to myself and $o for t%e tomatoes*

nstead of "orryin$ about %o" 0uic1ly Nat%an %as formed an attac%ment to 8d"ard' 'm $lad and relie)ed* 7aybe 8d"ard' but don't* He's in t%is* "ouldn't %a)e been if doubted

7y only "orry no" is myself* 1ept "aitin$ for some 1ind of e9plosion, don't 1no",it "as 2ust "%at 'd e9pected* But t%en spo1e to Lisa about,"ell' called %er in t%e middle of t%e ni$%t "%en in t%e mornin$* (e tal1ed* $uess* #%e ni$%tmare "as about 8d"ard lea)in$' and my problem "as t%e state of frea1in$ %orror "o1e up in* "as de)astated,not 2ust for Nat%an' but "as under t%e "asn't personally in)ested* for myself* #%e dream left me confused because impression t%at t%is "as all for Nate,t%at >o1e's on me* Lisa told me t%at it "asn't une9pected for me to $ro" attac%ed' eit%er* Not necessarily to 8d"ard as a person' but to t%e last lin1 %a)e to my past* After all' Cullen %as played a bi$ part in my life* And s%e e9plained t%at t%is fact alone too1 a"ay some of my an$er to"ard %im* (%en didn't understand t%is' s%e $a)e me an e9ample* For instance' you're more lenient "it% family members* 5eople close to you can usually $et a"ay "it% a lot more and still be in your $ood $races* .Humans are %ypocrites by nature'. s%e told me "it% a $lint in %er eye* $uess t%at ma1es sense no"' but it didn't before* A crime e9ecuted by a stran$er "ould $et a %ars%er punis%ment t%an if a family member %ad done t%e same t%in$* &o48d"ard's close to me/ frustratin$' 'cause don't fuc1in$ 1no"* t's still resent %im for %urtin$ me so muc% bac1 t%en* %ad a bad dream about4u$%' any"ay4 called "as nuts* &%e "as understandin$' amused'

%er' bribed %er "it% panca1es to come o)er' and4 &%e came %ere at four and full by t%e time s%e left* <ood t%in$ s%e li)es fi)e minutes a"ay'

And

told Lisa t%at' to "%ic% s%e deadpanned' .(ell' you need to tal1 to

8d"ard about t%is*. Basically' can't %ide be%ind Nat%an anymore*

Because it's not 2ust about %im,as 'd pre)iously con)inced myself* .Daddy;. !peak o" the de%il. .Hey' little man;. (ipin$ my %ands on a to"el' (%at see "%en ma1e my "ay out of t%e 1itc%en*

$et to t%e %all"ay is 8d"ard s0uattin$ do"n "it%

Nate's arms around %is nec1* smile and lean a$ainst t%e "all* #%is, li1e t%is* For myself' too* t's not 2ust about Nat%an* (%ic% feel conflicted about' but 'll deal*

. dra"ed a picture in sc%ool,you $otta see'. Nate tells %im and' li1e al"ays' %e runs off li1e a speedin$ bullet* 8d"ard $rins and stands up' eyes on Nat%an's disappearin$ form* +nce %e's out of si$%t' 8d"ard turns to me instead* .Hey' you* 8)eryt%in$ $ood/. .3ep* 3ou/. fold my arms o)er my c%est' needin$ it* +ur $reetin$s are a don't 1no"*

little forced "%en Nate's not around' and it almost feels li1e "e're %oldin$ somet%in$ bac1*

He stic1s %is %ands in t%e poc1ets of %is 2eans and bobs %is %ead slo"ly* . t's,it's all $ood* 3ea%*.

Cue awkward silence. Luc1ily' Nate rescues us "%en %e runs bac1 "it% a piece of paper in %is %ands* And e9cuse myself to c%ec1 on dinner* ')e already seen t%e picture %e dre" today@ a part of me doesn't "ant to see it a$ain* A fe" minutes later' 'm in t%e 1itc%en c%ec1in$ t%e potato "ed$es in t%e o)en' and %ear a 0uiet curse comin$ from t%e direction of t%e door"ay* see 8d"ard close t%e o)en a$ain and stand up@ loo1in$ be%ind me' enterin$ t%e 1itc%en' too* .(%at's up/. as1* t%in1 %e mumbles' t%ou$% t%e ne9t sentence

.3ou don't "anna 1no"'. today* .6m' yea%*.

follo"s 0uic1ly* .Did you see t%is/. He %olds up t%e picture Nate dre"

smile a"1"ardly' 2ust a small one' and remo)e t%e

saucepan from t%e sto)e* 8d"ard comes to a stop a fe" feet ne9t to me, close enou$% for me to smell %is afters%a)e' a %int of ci$arettes' and mint* . s Nate in t%e li)in$ room/. .3ea%' t%ere "as a mo)ie on'. %e says 0uietly* .&ome animated super%ero family*. nod and plate all t%e por1 c%ops* Where are 1asper and 1ada( hey should be here by now. . 'm not a super%ero' Bella'. 8d"ard "%ispers* n my perip%ery' see %im settin$ do"n t%e picture on t%e counter,t%e

picture of t%e t%ree of us li1e a super%ero family* 7uc% li1e t%e mo)ie Nate's "atc%in$ in t%e li)in$ room*

.Neit%er am '.

"%isper bac1* .But you don't need J-ray )ision or t%e

ability to fly to be a %ero in a 1id's eyes*. 8d"ard needs to learn t%at* He's afraid our e9pectations are too bi$@ mean"%ile' %e's t%e one %a)in$ t%em* #%e only t%in$s de)otion' lo)e' and loyalty* 'm not one of t%ose prissy fuc1in$ parents "%o s%ield t%eir c%ildren from e)eryt%in$* sides* find t%ose people annoyin$ as %ell and "ay too upti$%t* n order for my son to 1no" "%at's ri$%t and "ron$' %e needs to %ear bot% can't tell %im not to curse if %e doesn't 1no" "%at a curse "ord is* also belie)e t%at c%ildren do "%at adults do,and not And 'm a firm belie)er t%at adults and c%ildren s%ouldn't li)e under t%e same rules* (%ile "%at t%ey say,it doesn't %a)e to be one "ay or anot%er* 3ou can find a spot in bet"een* For instance' Nate 1no"s bad "ords and %e 1no"s t%at sometimes accidently say t%em,t%ou$% try %ard ne)er to s"ear in %is presence,but 'm an adult* #%ere are t%in$s 'm allo"ed to do,t%in$s %e's not* He's a"are t%at rules "ill c%an$e as %e $ets older* "on't reprimand %im for somet%in$ %e %asn't done yet* Ho" "ill %e learn about conse0uences ot%er"ise/ n my opinion' t%ere are t%in$s you say up front and t%in$s you "ait on* (%en it comes to cursin$' eatin$ too muc%' statin$ t%at you don't need to $o to t%e bat%room e)en t%ou$% 7ommy tells you it's best4 Let t%e c%ild learn by e9perience* Nat%an 1no"s it's bad to s"ear' and send %im to %is room if %e does* He also 1no"s t%at it's best to $o to t%e bat%room before bed' because if %e doesn't' %e mi$%t end up "ettin$ t%e bed* +%' and %e's )ery a"are of t%e stomac%ac%e %e can $et if %e eats too muc% and too 0uic1ly* (%en Did "as little' my mom told me not to touc% t%e sto)e@ it "as %ot* did* "as a 1id* But ne)er made t%at mista1e demand are

touc% it/ +f course

a$ain' t%at's for sure*

.3ou're doin$ 2ust fine' 8d"ard'.

tell %im "it% a 0uic1 $rin*

He smiles croo1edly in return' relief e)ident in %is features* #%e man needs to rela9* .Anyt%in$ can %elp "it%/. %e as1s*

s%a1e my %ead no* .8)eryt%in$'s done* But t%an1s*. #%e salad's done' t%e meat's done' t%e sauce' too* 'm 2ust "aitin$ for t%e potato "ed$es' and t%e table is already set* #%e drin1s are on t%e table4 Hmm' maybe s%ould c%an$e clot%es' t%ou$%* #%e s1inny 2eans 'm made Nate %is after-

"earin$ %a)e a small stain on t%e t%i$% from "%en s%irt is o1ay' %o"e)er* .Hey' can .&%oot'. as1 you somet%in$/.

sc%ool snac1,peanut butter and Nutella toast* 7y "%ite lon$-slee)ed t-

say' bendin$ o)er to c%ec1 t%e potatoes a$ain*

.>esus'. %e mutters* .6m' ri$%t* &o' ' u%' tal1ed to 8mmett* He "ould li1e to see you a$ain* 3ou and Nat%an*. c%uc1le* .(ell' t%at can be arran$ed* Ho" about t%is "ee1end/. .?eally/. loo1 up from t%e o)en to see %is "ide smile* .&ure*. smile bac1* .

1inda "anna see %im' too*. ')e %eard a lot about 8mmett since 8d"ard came into my life a$ain' and t%at's anot%er man "%o %as e)idently matured* He's no lon$er t%e mountain of a boy "%o follo"s Cullen's e)ery mo)e* .#%at's a"esome'. %e says' and t%e silly $rin on %is face ma1es %im loo1 e)en more li1e Nat%an* +r t%e ot%er "ay around' suppose* . can coo1

dinner'. %e $oes on* . actually bou$%t a coo1boo1 after a session "it% my t%erapist in Kenai*. He lets out a little lau$%* .Can you belie)e t%at s%it/ 7e,coo1in$/. . 'm sure you'll be $reat'. $i$$le* .And %ey'. bump my %ip "it% %is'

t%ou$% it's more %is upper t%i$%' . can al"ays pitc% in*. He smiles do"n at me' a soft one' eyes %appy* li1e t%at' too* . t's not

necessary* But you can al"ays sit on t%e sideline and 2ud$e*. Before .Can can ans"er' t%e doorbell rin$s* $et it' 7ommy/;. Nate s%outs from t%e li)in$ room* tell %im* He $i)es me a 0uic1 o1ay' and

.As1 "%o it is before you open;.

face 8d"ard a$ain* .Did %e as1 t%rou$% t%e door "%en you $ot %ere/. .3ea%' %e did*. He nods* .3ou're doin$ an ama:in$ 2ob "it% %im* 3ou 1no" t%at' ri$%t/. open my mout%4t%en close it a$ain* (%ile ')e recei)ed compliments on t%is sub2ect before' reali:e t%at it's different "%en it's 8d"ard sayin$ it* $uess since %e's Nate's fat%er' it means more/ 7aybe* .#%an1 you'. say and duc1 my %ead for a second*

feel %is fin$ers around my "rist' and 'm about to loo1 up "%en >asper and >ada enter t%e 1itc%en' bot% $irls clin$in$ to >asper's le$s* .Hey;. smile "idely at +li)ia and 7adison* At t%e same time' ta1e a

step a"ay from 8d"ard* .Ho" are my fa)orite $irls/. don't %a)e >ada fooled' t%ou$%* As pointed loo1* &%e t%in1s my old feelin$s for 8d"ard are cloudin$ my 2ud$ment* pic1 up little 7adison' meet >ada's

t%in1 s%e's "ron$* (it% 7adison still sittin$ on my %ip' ma1e t%e introductions42ust as

Nat%an runs into t%e 1itc%en' too* .>asper' >ada' t%is is 8d"ard*. .7y daddy'. Nate fills in matter-of-factly* .And'. c%uc1le' .8d"ard' t%is is >asper and >ada*.

.Nice to meet you'. 8d"ard says as Nat%an attac%es %imself to 8d"ard's t%i$%* t's so fuc1in$ cute* .Bella's told me a lot about you*. .&%e's told us a lot about you' too'. >ada says "ryly* As >asper s%a1es 8d"ard's %and' does >asper' actually* 8d"ard ta1es it' t%ou$%' and face falls for a second* And in t%at moment,t%at e9act moment, "is% >ada "asn't %ere* .6m' and t%ese are your dau$%ters/. 8d"ard in0uires 0uietly* .3ea%*. >asper $rins and pic1s up %is t%ree-year-old* .+li)ia' t%is is Nate's daddy* His name is 8d"ard*. .Hi*. &%e "a)es and smiles s%yly and t%en buries %er face a$ainst >asper's nec1* 8d"ard s%oots %er a 0uic1 "in1* . s t%ere anyt%in$ .No*. can %elp you "it%/. >ada as1s me* t%in1 'm t%e only one "%o sees %o" %is s%oot %er a $lare for t%at remar1* &o

turn my bac1 on %er and ta1e out t%e potato "ed$es from t%e

o)en* .3ou can all ta1e your seats*.

For some reason' 'm not surprised "%en 8d"ard lin$ers* .3ou o1ay/. "%isper to %im*

. 'm fine*. His smile is fa1e* .Let me %elp you*. <rabbin$ t%e meat and t%e sauce' %e's about to "al1 to"ard t%e 1itc%en table' but bac1* #%en %alt %im "it% a %and on %is arm* He stares at me@ motion for %im to come closer' "%ic% %e does* murmur in %is ear* +nce a$ain' 'm loo1 up at %im' stare

.&ee t%ose t"o people at t%e table/.

assaulted by t%e subtle scent of %is afters%a)e* He nods* .#%ey're my friends' but' 8d"ard/ 3ou don't %a)e to ans"er to t%em*. i$norin$ our close pro9imity* .3ou don't o"e t%em anyt%in$*. His bro"s furro"* .#%at's "%ere you're "ron$' inks'. %e "%ispers* s"allo" and t%en e9%ale s%a1ily* .#%ey too1 care of you "%en someone else s%ould %a)e stepped up*. .3ou %ad no obli$ation to ta1e care of me-. He cuts me off' softly but firmly* .#%at's debatable' but obli$ation to my o"n son*. #a1in$ a step bac1' %e %olds my $a:e for a second or t"o before %e mo)es to"ard t%e table* breat%e out* &ometimes4or al"ays4but especially ri$%t no"' could 2ust disappear* "is% all our troubles did %a)e an

"is% "e didn't come "it% ba$$a$e or issues* =C38=

(e don't tal1 too muc% at dinner* 6nless it's about t%e 1ids* #%ey're al"ays a safe topic*

>asper,<od bless %im,doesn't seem to silently 2ud$e 8d"ard* He as1s curiously about &terlin$' Kenai' and %o" 8d"ard li1es it in Alas1a* 7ean"%ile' >ada's 0uiet* &%e 2ust sits t%ere* 'm so disappointed in %er ri$%t no"* Anot%er t%in$ can feel %er eyes on me' but i$nore %er*

notice is t%at Nat%an' our little bu$$er' is territorial "%en

it comes to 8d"ard* #%e "ay "e're seated around my rectan$ular table' 8d"ard is sittin$ bet"een Nat%an,%e's on one s%ort end,and +li)ia* 'm across from 8d"ard' "it% >asper ne9t to me' and on t%e ot%er side of +li)ia' is "%ere >ada sits* #%en' on t%e ot%er s%ort end' is 7adison* &o' yea%' "%en +li)ia s%yly offers 8d"ard a potato "ed$e drenc%ed in 1etc%up and bIarnaise sauce and %e accepts it "it% amusement flic1erin$ in %is eyes' Nat%an %as to up t%e ante* He $ets 8d"ard's attention by $rabbin$ %is %and' and t%en Nate offers %im two potato "ed$es* snic1er at t%e display and for1 up a piece of meat* 6nder t%e table' Cullen loc1s %is feet "it% mine* .Do amuse you/. %e "%ispers' a $lint in %is eye* nod slo"ly' definitely

on t%e )er$e of %a)in$ a $i$$le fit* n t%e meantime' +li)ia is tal1in$ to >asper and >ada about4somet%in$* . fi$ured sayin$ no "ould be rude*. snort a lau$% at t%at' 0uic1ly follo"ed by a %and co)erin$ my mout%* .Let me tell you one t%in$'. lean closer@ %e does t%e same' and al"ays said yes'. 1eep raise

my )oice %us%ed' .#%e "ord no is a $odsend* f of boiled pasta' and4. . $et it'. %e lau$%s silently* .Bella' t%is "as really delicious'. %ear >ada say*

an eyebro"' . 'd %a)e dead birds buried on my balcony' 2e"elry made out

spare %er a 0uic1 $lance* .#%an1s*. #%en and

lean o)er to "ipe some

1etc%up off Nate's face* .(ant me to cut up some more' baby/. He nods' ta1e my 1nife and for1 to dice up %is meat* .Don't for$et your po1e %is nose' elicitin$ a $i$$le from %im* )e$etables' o1ay/.

t's "eird@ %e lo)es )e$etables as snac1s' but %e can't brin$ %imself to eat t%em at dinner* At least not "it%out some pus%in$* ?eturnin$ to my o"n meal' %is face* .(%at/. mout%' smilin$ in curiosity* can feel eyes on me a$ain* But it's not >ada* meet %is $a:e' %e %as a stran$e loo1 on

t's definitely 8d"ard' and "%en

He s%a1es %is %ead' a sli$%t crease bet"een %is bro"s* .Not%in$'. %e lies 0uietly* let it $o* For no"* =C38= .#%an1s for dinner' %on'. >asper says' pattin$ %is belly* .Ama:in$ as al"ays*. . t really "as'. 8d"ard a$rees as He's about to stand up' but Cullen*. ta1e %is plate* .#%an1 you*.

c%uc1le and pus% %im do"n a$ain* .?ela9' ma1e 0uic1 "or1 of

$rab a fe" more plates and t%en "al1 o)er to t%e sin1* .(%o

"ants coffee/. #%ere are plenty of lefto)ers' so

di)idin$ it up into four plastic containers* 8d"ard can ta1e t"o "it% %im %ome,one for %im' one for 8mmett,and t%en t%ere's lunc% for >asper and me tomorro" at "or1* . t%in1 "e're $onna cut our )isit s%ort t%is time'. >asper says' surprisin$ me* As "al1 to t%e table a$ain to $rab t%e rest of t%e dis%es' catc% t%e

loo1 %e e9c%an$es "it% >ada* 'm pretty sure t%ey're $onna ar$ue "%en t%ey $et %ome* t %appens e9tremely rarely' but "%en it does %appen' you can tell by t%e tension in t%e room* .3ea%' 7adison's $ettin$ fussy'. >ada adds' lyin$* 7adison is perfectly content in %er %i$%c%air* . %a)e lunc% for us tomorro"' >asper'. tell %im and i$nore >ada a$ain*

.&"eet*. >asper stands up and mo)es to $et +li)ia* . 'll brin$ brea1fast*. nod@ it's usually our deal* f "e don't eat "it% t%e "omen and c%ildren' "e sit in %is office* +ne brin$s lunc%' t%e ot%er brea1fast* . t "as really nice to meet you' 8d"ard*. He stic1s out %is %and for 8d"ard to s%a1e it a$ain* smile at t%e $esture@ >asper is really sincere* He's also for$i)in$ and understandin$* .3ou too' man'. 8d"ard returns and s%a1es >asper's %and firmly* . 'm $lad Bella's $ot $reat friends around %er*. A fe" minutes later' "e')e said $oodbye to t%e (%itloc1s* .Can "atc% a mo)ie/. Nat%an as1s*

'm not t%e one "%o ans"ers' actually* As "e all still stand in t%e %all"ay' 8d"ard replies to %im' %a)in$ been around our routine many times no"* .After your bat%' buddy*. And t%e "ords come so naturally' too* can't %elp but $rin up at %im*

t's not until %e notices my e9pression t%at %e reali:es "%at %e 2ust said* And since 'm $ettin$ a better %andle on t%is ne" 8d"ard' %e's about to apolo$i:e for4"%ate)er4so .3ou')e $ot t%is' Cullen*. dinner* pat %is bicep as 2ust 1no" t%at pass %im*

$o to t%e 1itc%en and clean up t%e remains of

From t%e bat%room' %ysterical $i$$les*

%ear t%e splas%in$ of "ater' follo"ed by Nat%an's

%ear t%e muttered .>esus.' .%oly puc1.' .dan$.' and .o%' <od. comin$ from 8d"ard* t ma1es me lau$% to myself as .7ommy' 'm s0uea1y clean;. Kno"in$ "%at's comin$' coo1ies* .No' no' no' $et bac1 %ere' buddy;. +nd here he comes/ Nate appears in t%e 1itc%en' na1ed as a 2aybird' and "ri$$les %is butt* A soa1ed 8d"ard is ri$%t be%ind %im* And for t%e first time in o)er four years' loo1 at %im "it% ne" eyes* see 2ust lean by t%e counter and "ait* #"o mu$s of "ipe do"n t%e counter*

coffee are ready* &ome mil1 for Nate* And a small plate of oatmeal

t%e man standin$ in t%e "ide door"ay' $rey Henley soa1ed' a to"el t%ro"n o)er %is s%oulder' "et patc%es on %is dar1 2eans' a fe" strands of damp %air fallin$ in %is face' a tired $rin on %is lips' bri$%t eyes' bare feet' Nate's pa2amas in %is %and4 Aside from %o" %andsome,and let's be honestB he's a hot one,%e is' t%ere's one more t%in$* He loo1s li1e a dad* .3ou can't catc% me' Daddy;. Nate sin$s and starts runnin$ around in t%e 1itc%en*

lau$%* .3ou're suc% a $oof' Nate;. #o ma1e t%in$s easier for Cullen' too easy* .7ooooo)e;. %e s0ueals' slammin$ into my t%i$%s* By no"' 8d"ard %as reac%ed us' and %e t%ro"s Nate o)er %is s%oulder* .Loo1s li1e can catc% you;. Before 8d"ard disappears out of si$%t' %e tilts %is %ead in my direction' "in1s' and says' .#%an1 you' 7ommy*. si$%* don't 1no" t%e last time "as t%is content* =C38= >ust as sit do"n on t%e couc%' Nate comes barrelin$ into t%e li)in$ room bloc1 t%e pat% t%at "ould lead Nate

around t%e 1itc%en island* +ur son is a fast little s%it@ catc%in$ %im isn't

"earin$ %is Batman 5>s* .He's,%e's "ast'. 8d"ard pants' ploppin$ do"n on t%e couc%* Nate lau$%s' t%ou$% it dies do"n "%en %e sees t%e coo1ies on t%e coffee table* .Can sit o)er t%eu% "it% t"o coo1ies/. He points to %is beanba$ in front of t%e #V* As for t%e fin$ers %e's %oldin$ up,t%ree' not t"o* .He's smart'. 8d"ard "%ispers* %uff a c%uc1le* .#"o coo1ies'. tell Nate' %oldin$ up t"o fin$ers*

He pouts' "antin$ t%ree but ta1es t"o* And %is $lass of mil1* .#%an1 you*. .3ou're "elcome'. say and pus% play on t%e mo)ie* t's %ardly somet%in$ 1no" it "on't be lon$ until Nate falls

"anna "atc%,it's *egamind,but

asleep* .Let me 1no" "%en you're done' baby* (e'll $et your teet% brus%ed*. .6%-%u%,t%ere's *egamind;. He "a)es at t%e #V' but %e turns around to loo1 bac1 at 8d"ard* . t's "%en %e's a baby*. .<otc%a'. 8d"ard says "it% a smir1* Leanin$ for"ard' $rab my coffee before $et comfortable a$ain* (%ic% nod at 8d"ard's "et

reminds me4 .Hey' t%at can't be comfortable*.

s%irt* . %a)e a t-s%irt t%at you for$ot %ere last time* (ant me to $et it/. .+%' um' yea%,t%an1 you*. Barely a minute %as passed "%en %ere last "ee1* .3ou "as%ed it'. %e states' and t%en pulls off %is Henley* 6m* >ust li1e t%at* &o' yea%' no" %e's bare-c%ested in my li)in$ room* .3ou really didn't %a)e to do t%at*. Funny' as see %is tattoos no"' don't see red* understand more* .#%an1 you*. And no" %e's not bare-c%ested anymore* .No problem'. mumble and sit do"n a$ain* "as ri$%t@ Nate is already do:in$ return "it% t%e blac1 t-s%irt %e left

#%e ne9t fe" moments are 0uiet' and before a fe"*

off* But 'm too la:y to brus% %is teet% ri$%t no"* 'll 2ust "a1e %im up carry %im to bed* t's been a lon$ day, need to sit on my ass for

.Ho" come you ne)er tal1 about your boyfriend/. 8d"ard as1s suddenly* 7y %ead snaps in %is direction' and what/. He blo"s out a breat%' appearin$ to be ner)ous as %ell* .+)er t%e past fe" "ee1s'. %e "%ispers' ."e')e been more open "it% eac% ot%er' ri$%t/. stare at %im' incredulous* .&ay

nod' "onderin$4a lot ri$%t no"* .89actly* you don't need to %ide4that4from me*

mean' it's not all about don't* .3ou're4. He

Nat%an anymore4. He runs a %and t%rou$% %is %air* . 'm 2ust sayin$ t%at $et it*. 6m* lets out a little c%uc1le' t%ou$% %e doesn't sound particularly amused* .3ou're you,you're #in1s* Fuc1in$ $or$eous and ama:in$,inside and out*. 7y c%ee1s %eat up 0uic1ly* .&%it' 'm ramblin$*. He tu$s more at %is %air* . 'm sorry*. .Are you done/. as1 0uietly* He nods and tilts %is %ead bac1 a$ainst t%e told you t%is before*.

couc%* . don't %a)e a boyfriend*. At t%at' %e lolls %is %ead to t%e side so %e can stare at me* . don't*

He $i)es me a tiny smile* . n t%at sentence you said no' li1e4si9 times/ don't 1no"* 'm sorry*. .3ou cau$%t me off $uard,you mean "it% ?iley4"%en %e called/. He nods a$ain,%esitantly t%is time* s%a1e my %ead* .He's not my boyfriend* He "anted more,stuff to meet Nate' and4. .+%'. %e mout%s* .3ea%4. .Ha)e4%a)e you' u%' e)er introduced Nat%an to4/. .No' not anyone'. admit in a breat%* .?iley "as t%e first'. a$reed to $o out* But clear my "asn't ready for*. $rimace* t%in1 "e "ent on four dates* release a breat%* .He "anted 2ust fi$ured it "as somet%in$ you "anted to 1eep pri)ate*

t%roat' .since you,%e as1ed and

couldn't4. <od'

"%y on eart% are "e tal1in$ about t%is/ . "asn't ready* For anyt%in$*.

.+%'. %e utters a$ain' only audibly t%is time* He e9%ales s%a1ily' and a small part of me "onders if %e's t%in1in$ about t%e fact t%at %e's t%e last one "as intimate "it%* +1ay' t%e part of me "onderin$ isn't that small* $rab a coo1ie from t%e plate and nibble on

Needin$ to occupy my %ands' it* don't really "ant it*

.3ou' u%4. He s"allo"s* 7y eyes are trained on t%e flat screen,not t%at 1no" "%at's %appenin$ in t%e mo)ie* .3ou're t%e last one' too' you 1no"* For me' mean*. c%o1e

s0uee:e my eyes s%ut* .3ou really don't %a)e to tell me t%is'.

out* And' trut% be told/ 'm t%e last one/ 4 1inda find t%at %ard to belie)e* .And t%ere's definitely no reason for you to come up "it% stories*. .&tories/. can practically %ear t%e fro"n in %is )oice* f suc% a t%in$ "as

possible* . 'm not,>esus' 'm not lying to you' Bella* 3ou said it, %a)e no reason to come up "it% stories*. .+1ay'. s0uea1 out' embarrassed* s%ouldn't %a)e4ne)er mind* Can "e for$et

He si$%s* .Fuc1' 'm sorry* about t%is/. doubt

can' but 'm "illin$ to pretend* .3ea%*.

(e don't tal1 about4t%at4a$ain* can't %elp but t%in1 about it' t%ou$%* 6m' not t%e mec%anics of it' but "%at 8d"ard said about me bein$ %is last* Li1e "e bot% pointed out' t%ere's no reason for %im to lie about a t%in$ li1e t%at* Not%in$ to $ain' not%in$ to lose' really* =C38=

.&eatbelt stays on until

stop t%e en$ine' Nat%an'.

tell %im sternly as

pull onto t%e road t%at leads to 8d"ard's cabin* +)er t%e past se)eral "ee1s' Nate %as become more and more impatient bet"een point A and B ,or' &terlin$ and Anc%ora$e* #rut%fully' t%e dri)e is $ettin$ tedious* can't really belie)e 8d"ard ma1es it t"ice a "ee1' alt%ou$% %e usually ta1es a fli$%t at least once' but %e comes "it% less lu$$a$e* 'm al"ays brin$in$ too muc%* <roceries' lefto)ers' clot%es' toys4 . promise'. %e says' bouncin$ in %is seat* . s Daddy's friend nice/. crac1 a $rin in t%e rear)ie" mirror* .3ea%' %e is*. But don't t%in1 8mmett is $oin$ to be t%e %i$%li$%t of today' t%ou$%*

8d"ard called me yesterday' ner)ous' and told me t%at %e %as a surprise for Nat%an' and %e "anted to as1 if it "as o1ay4or if it "as too early* He %as prepared one of t%e $uestrooms,turned it into a room t%at is no" Nate's* assured %im it "asn't too soon@ "%en %e ta1es %is naps' it'll be nice for %im to %a)e %is o"n room* Not necessary' but nice* And 'm 1inda curious to see it myself* As pull up in front of 8d"ard's carport' can see Nat%an not-so-patiently can also see

starin$ at t%e i$nition@ %e's "aitin$ for me to 1ill t%e en$ine* bot% 8d"ard and 8mmett on t%e porc%* #a:' too*

+nce t%e 1ey is turned' Nate unclic1s %is seatbelt' pulls on %is beanie and 2ac1et' and %e's out t%e door* .Daddy;. %ear %im s%out* ma1e it around t%e

c%uc1le and let myself out' too' and by t%e time

car' 8d"ard and Nat%an %a)e met in t%e middle' bot% "it% "ide $rins on t%eir faces* 8d"ard's s0uattin$ do"n to be at Nate's le)el' and 'm pretty sure our son is rapidly fillin$ 8d"ard in on t%e t"o days since "e last sa" eac% ot%er in Anc%ora$e*

(it% Cullen and %is mini-me busy'

"al1 up t%e porc% to 8mmett*

.Lon$ time no see' &"an'. %e says' and %is $rin is also "ide* .Ditto' 7cCarty'. s%oot bac1 "it% a smir1* return t%e friendly %u$

He c%uc1les and "raps %is arms around me' and "it% a stren$t% didn't 1no" possessed*

(%ile 8mmett %as matured' too' t%ere's still somet%in$ boyis% in %im, somet%in$ t%at 8d"ard doesn't %a)e* #%ey're almost e0ually muscular no"' t%ou$% 8mmett's broader s%oulders ma1e %im a fe" inc%es "ider* But %e still loo1s youn$* He loo1s %is a$e' actually* .#%at's a pretty ma$nificent si$%t' isn't it/. He lets me $o and 2er1s %is c%in at 8d"ard and Nate* nod' definitely a$reein$* .3ou and Nat%an'. %e lets out a lo" "%istle' .you're all Cullen tal1s about*. don't really %a)e a response to t%at* No' "ait* do* .8d"ard's tal1ed a lot about you' too*. loo1 up at %im*

.Ho"'s ?ose/. .(ell4. He puffs out %is c%ee1s t%en lets t%e air out slo"ly* A c%uc1le slips out' too* #%en %e sits do"n on t%e porc% s"in$' "%ic% is actually more of a benc%' and pats t%e seat ne9t to %im* &o' you mind/. He pulls out a pac1 of ci$arettes* s%a1e my %ead* .Not at all*. .?ose4. He li$%ts up a ci$arette and ta1es a pull from it* .At least "e're tal1in$' ri$%t/. His smile is rueful* .A little bird told me t%at it's all about second c%ances*. beam at %im* . 'm tryin$* (e tal1 on t%e p%one' but4 don't 1no"* &%e "ants to come up %ere*. sit do"n' too* .Do

lean bac1 a$ainst t%e front "all of t%e %ouse and cross my le$s* .>ust ta1e it at a speed you feel comfortable "it%* &%e's t%e one "%o messed up ,you set t%e pace*. He nods slo"ly' leanin$ for"ard on %is 1nees* +ur eyes are fi9ed on t%e same t"o people in front of t%e porc%* t loo1s li1e t%ey're "rapped in a bubble' t%ose t"o* .3ou')e made Cullen %appy* 3ou 1no" t%at/ He "as one messed up 1id "%en first )isited %im in prison*. 7y %eart clenc%es' and 8mmett si$%s* .&econd c%ances' %u%/. .(or1s "onders'. "%isper' "atc%in$ as 8d"ard says4somet%in$4to

Nat%an* #%ey're so animated* .Are you $oin$ to $i)e Cullen a second c%ance' too/. %e as1s 0uietly* tilt my %ead in %is direction' confused* . sn't t%at "%at 'm doin$/. .&orta*. He purses %is lips* .But' u%' %e told me you're not ready to tal1 about your past/ +r somet%in$*. +%* #%at* . 'm $ettin$ t%ere'. %ad "ee1s since told 8d"ard admit and turn bac1 to 8d"ard and 1ne" "as $oin$ to for$i)e %im' and

Nat%an* .He 1no"s 'm $oin$ to for$i)e %im, 2ust need time*. But ')e feel more ready no" t%an e)er to at least be$in* t's been almost t%ree mont%s no"* .He's already pro)en to be a $reat dad*. .7ommy;. Not reali:in$ t%at 'd %ad my eyes on t%e $round' and 8d"ard comin$ up t%e porc% steps* .Daddy say %e's $otta surpr"ise for me;. Nate is li1e a 1id at C%ristmas* .No "ay;. act surprised* loo1 up to see Nate

He nods furiously* .C'mon;.

.>ust a second' baby* Come %ere first, "ant you to meet someone*. Nat%an becomes s%y and "al1s o)er to clin$ to me* 8d"ard remains a fe" feet a"ay and leans a$ainst t%e porc% railin$* .#%is is 8mmett' %oney* Daddy and "ent to sc%ool "it% %im'. say'

runnin$ my fin$ers t%rou$% %is soft %air* .Hi'. %e mumbles and s0uirms closer to me* .Hey' Nat%an'. 8mmett c%uc1les 0uietly* He nud$es me $ently* .Don't let me 1eep you' $uys* 3our daddy's surprise is pretty a"esome* <o c%ec1 it out*. He "in1s at Nate* Nat%an tu$s on my %and' "%ic% means' .3ea%' let's $o* N+(*. (%ile 8mmett stays be%ind' 8d"ard leads t%e "ay upstairs* (e pass t%e $uestroom t%at %e points out is 8mmett's' t%en a bat%room' and 8d"ard's bedroom* Fart%est do"n t%e %all' "e come to a stop* . t's in t%eu%/. Nate points to t%e door* 8d"ard's eyes find me' and $i)e %im a small nod* #%is is %is s%o"@ %e's

more t%an capable of %andlin$ it* 'm e9cited' note* "anna pee1 inside*

.Actually4. He s0uats do"n ne9t to Nate* .#%is is' um4your room* For "%en you're %ere*. Nate's eyes "iden* . $et a room/. %e "%ispers* .3ea%' you do* +pen t%e door' buddy*. (%ic% Nat%an does )ery 0uic1ly* He pus%es t%e door open and bar$es in' comin$ to a stop in t%e middle of t%e room*

7ean"%ile' .Holy s%it'.

free:e in place ri$%t t%ere' still in t%e door"ay* breat%e out*

#%e room is4fuc1in$ ama:in$* #%e "alls are li$%t $reen' li1e pear-fla)ored ice cream* #%e ceilin$ is "ood,"it% t%e beams you can find t%rou$%out t%e cabin* #%e floor is of t%e same "ood' but more polis%ed* 8ac% "all %olds a piece of furniture in dar14 "ould $uess c%erry "ood* No' t%at can't be it' 'cause 1no" c%erry "ood is more reddis% t%an t%is* #%is is li1e t%e dar1est c%ocolate* #%e "all to my left' t%at's "%ere Nat%an's armoire is* #%ere are also a fe" s%el)es on t%at "all* #%e "all across t%e room,"%ere t%e "indo" is,%olds t"o dressers* #%en comes t%e "all "%ic% Nate's bed is positioned ne9t to* Lastly' ri$%t ne9t to me4t"o toy c%ests completely filled "it% toys* #%ere's also a "ooden bo9 under t%e bed* And t%e fabrics in t%e room4Christ4pillo"s' carpet' drapes' t%e beddin$' blan1ets4t%ey're all in li$%t $reen and bro"n* #%e room belon$s in a ma$a:ine* #%e second t%in$ t%at %its me is t%e scent* And' "it%out my consent' my le$s carry me into t%e room' to"ard t%e armoire to my left* 7y %and slides up t%e solid "ood* And t%e scent4ric%' "oodsy' stron$' eart%y* t's t%e top coat,t%e finis%* t smells li1e4li1e it's,li1e it's4 .Handmade'. "%isper under my breat%* Be%ind me' %ear an o)er2oyed Nat%an as open bot% 8d"ard points out different t%in$s in t%e room' but 'm so stuc1 on t%e furniture* t's so smoot%* ?ounded ed$es* #%ic1,so solid* somet%in$* doors to t%e armoire' and my eyes scan t%e surfaces for traces of4 don't 1no"* t loo1s so professional@ t%e %in$es' t%e car)ed t%in1 %e made it* And t%en finally $et my details' t%e 1nobs4but t%ere's still somet%in$ tellin$ me t%at 8d"ard %asn't bou$%t all of t%is* proof* Because inside t%e armoire' almost at t%e bottom' is a small circle car)ed into t%e "ood4"it% t"o cursi)e letters "it%in* E.C

7y eyes "ell up* .!tudy, inks,) Edward says 9uietly, and I look o%er at him. 0is eyes are "ocused on his books, but I see the small smile on his lips. .I can't,) I say, pouting. )I'm bored.) -ow he looks up. )I need a distraction.) I roll my eyes, 'cause I can see that his mind goes straight "or the gutter. 0e can barely walk, but he thinks he can "uck( 5lease. )-ot that,) I chuckle, and he 2ust shrugs with an impish grin. )&et's talk.) .-o,) he says right away. 0ard nut to crack. )-ot about/that,) I lie. )+bout something else.) I tap my chin. )Did you always want to be a doctor() !lowly, as i" he's hesitating, he shakes his head. Eyes "ocused on the bedspread. )!till don't,) he admits. )-e%er did.) +nd I get it. It's Carlisle's decision. 0e controls Edward in e%ery aspect, it seems. 8illing Carlisle and Esme doesn't "eel so wrong, a"ter all. .What did you want to become when you were little() 0e cracks a small grin, but he won't "ace me. )3m/a carpenter( !omething with woodworking.) 0is grin "ades. )It's stupid, I know. I was 2ust a kid.) I "rown. )Why would that be stupid() 'ut he doesn't ha%e to answer. )&et me guess. $our dear "ather told you it wasn't good enough.) 0e doesn't reply.

.0ey, 1esus was a carpenter.) I smile cheekily as he "inally meets my ga,e. .7ight,) he chuckles silently. )I'll be sure to tell Dad that.) +nd my smile is gone. "ipe at my c%ee1s' still starin$ into t%e armoire* Nat%an is all $i$$les some"%ere in t%e room* 8d"ard4%e's4"ell' t%in1 %e's standin$ be%ind me* see t%at "as ri$%t* He's starin$

#a1in$ a 0uic1 pee1 o)er my s%oulder'

at me' bro"s furro"ed' %ands on %is %ips* .3ou made t%is'. "%isper tearfully* noticed/ #%en %e settles on a

His eyes s%o" surprise,maybe because

small nod and a ner)ous little smile* Li1e %e's "aitin$ for me to 2ud$e %im* . s it o1ay/. %e as1s' bitin$ on %is lip* +1ay is definitely not t%e "ord 'd use* .Ho" about ama:in$/. He $rins and loo1s do"n for a second or t"o* t's t%e time t%e distance bet"een us* .#%is is4. clear my t%roat and s"allo"' eyes fi9ed on %is c%est* .#%is is release a breat% need to close

probably somet%in$ your parents s%ould tell you' but4. t%at* .&orry if it sounds lame'. carpenter "%en you "ere little*.

and loo1 up at %is face* .6m' 'm, 'm proud of you*. He "asn't e9pectin$ c%uc1le a"1"ardly* . t's 2ust4 remember "%en you told me about t%is* 3ou said you "anted to be a

His eyes become a little $lassy' and

t%in1 %e remembers t%at day' too*

Because it "as t%e last day "e %ad to$et%er* He "as so %urt* He tried to 1eep me out' but e)entually %e crac1ed and let me in* Ho"e)er brief it "as* !itting there on the "loor, I sob into my hands. ears stream down my cheeks, and I'%e ne%er "elt this sense o" hopelessness be"ore. It makes my chest ache at the same time as it "eels completely empty. *y stomach rolls, and I scream out, the sound mu""led by my hands. . inks.) *y head snaps up, my eyes go wide, my mouth pops open, my breath gets stuck in my throat. +nd I crumble again. I hadn't heard the door open, and now a part o" me wishes it ne%er did. .Edward,) I whimper, bottom lip 9ui%ering. 0e looks so beat up, so broken. Inside and out. 0e can't blame his supposed "riends in !eattle this time. It's all on his dad. .Don't "ucking cry,) he whispers, though his own eyes are "ull o" unshed tears. )!top, inks.) 0e shakes his head, staring down at me. )Don't be weak.) Weak(

Fuck that. !tanding up, I approach him cautiously. I make sure to look him in the eye, as opposed to all the cuts and bruises on his "ace. When I raise my hand to touch his cheek, he shakes his head again. )Don't touch me,) he breathes out, and then he walks back into his room. .nly this time, he lea%es the door open. I take that as an in%itation and enter behind him. remember offerin$ %im brea1fast' and %e told me %e couldn't e)en $o do"nstairs* I take a breath. )Come on, I'll make pancakes.) 0e hesitates. )I/) hen he looks down and shakes his head. )I can't lea%e the room.) I "rown. )Why() When he looks me in the eye this time, all I see is pain. Di""erent kinds. .It hurts to walk,) he admits, and my insides constrict pain"ully. )3m/) 0e swallows. )*y leg, and/uh, I ha%e a cracked rib.) *y right hand "lies to my mouth. ).h, #od.) I s9uee,e my eyes shut. 'e"ore I lose the contents o" my stomach, I run out o" his room and into the bathroom across the hall. . inks4) he chokes out. *y eyes burn as I throw up. I gag repeatedly and gulp "or air. .h #od, oh #od, oh #od, oh #od. ..h, #od,) I cry.

Carlisle broke his "ucking rib( What kind o" sick animal is he( +nd Esme/ I could kill her. +ll that neglect. -o wonder he's a bully in school. 0e gets pushed down at home, so he makes sure he's the one doing the pushing around with others. . inks.) +nd then I ha%e arms around me. )Christ, baby, stop this. Don't cry.) drop my fore%ead to 8d"ard's c%est' silent tears streamin$ do"n my face* His arms $o around my s%oulders* .3ou told me >esus "as a carpenter'. %e murmurs in my %air* c%uc1le t%rou$% my tears and nod* 'm ready to tal1* #o %as% it out* All of it* (e need to $et our past out in t%e open,deal "it% it' mo)e on' repair t%e fuc1in$ crac1s' and fill in t%e blan1s*

Chapter song 7ock *e, 'aby by '.'. 8ing, "eat. Eric Clapton

EPOV .&o' "%at're you $onna do t%is "ee1end/. tal1in$ to t%em' so count* .7adison al"ays c%ase me and +li)ia'. %e says' $i$$lin$ a little* .(e %ide sometimes*. $rin* .+% yea%/ (ell' $uess 7adison "ants to play' too*. as1' s0uattin$ do"n in front

of Nat%an* (e're standin$ outside >asper and >ada's %ouse' and #in1s is fi$ured 'd ma1e t%ese fe" final minutes "it% Nat%an

.But s%e 2ust a baby* +li)ia and me are bi$*. He %olds up %is %and o)er %is %ead* .#%is bi$*. .+1ay'. lau$% t%rou$% my nose* .Be $ood' t%ou$%*. s%o"ed Nat%an %is ne" room' #in1s told me t%at s%e

Last "ee1' after "as ready to tal1*

nearly pissed my pants' but t%at's neit%er %ere nor t%ere* (e 0uic1ly a$reed t%at %a)in$ our tal1 "as somet%in$ "e needed to do in pri)ate,"it%out a time limit* &o' >asper and >ada are "atc%in$ Nat%an o)er t%e "ee1end "%ile #in1s and (%ic% feels4fuc1in$ "eird* 1no" t%at 8mmett 1eeps in touc% "it% countless people from %i$% sc%ool ,5eter definitely included,so "%en %e told me %e "as ready to face ?osalie a$ain' %e %ad a su$$estion* .We could get together;all o" us. 'e young "or a night. 0a%e dinner, listen to some music, talk, chill out, ha%e a "ew beers. I think we need it.) dri)e out to my cabin* Ho"e)er' t%e plan is also to %a)e dinner "it% 8mmett' ?osalie' C%arlotte' and 5eter*

"as s1eptical,still am,but t%e idea of a ni$%t for t%e $ro"n-ups does sounds appealin$* #a1e t%e ed$e off for a ni$%t' 2ust rela9' and4yea%* &o' called #in1s' tal1ed to %er about it' and s%e "as surprisin$ly all for it* &%e said "e could use a ni$%t of some carefree fun,and t%en "e're $onna tal1 on &unday4tomorro"* &%e called C%arlotte and as1ed "%at %er plans "ere@ "e all fi$ured s%e'd be busy "it% life in #e9as* But s%e "as all for it' too* And' "eirdly' especially "%en s%e found out 5eter's $onna fly up "it% ?osalie* t "ill be li1e some stran$e fuc1in$ reunion' and ma1e of it* .+1ay' "e're $onna $o' baby'. #in1s says' "al1in$ o)er to s0uat do"n in front of Nat%an' too* .Be a $ood boy' yea%/. . will'. Nat%an says for t%e %undredt% time* . promise' 7ommy*. .<reat*. #in1s c%uc1les and 1isses %im* . lo)e you*. . lo)e you' too*. He smiles and %u$s %er* #%en it's my turn* #in1s "al1s to t%e car' and .Don't eat too muc% candy'. buddy*. 1iss %is fore%ead* pull Nat%an closer* %a)e no idea "%at to

say' snic1erin$* He $i$$les* .Lo)e you'

.Lo)e you' too*. He returns my %u$* And t%ose t%ree "ords ne)er fail to ma1e my stomac% do flips* (%en slipped out* But a fe" days after t%at' "%en so naturally' and .7ommy and first told %im' "ee1s a$o' it sorta e9pected it* "as puttin$ %im to bed' %e said it first' panic1ed' and Nat%an didn't respond' not t%at

s"ear my %eart fuc1in$ melted* t 2ust "ent to mus%* say and stand up*

"ill be bac1 tomorro" ni$%t'.

He nods and "a)es* .Bye*.

As

%ead for #in1s' car'

loo1 bac1 one more time' but Nat%an is already

on %is "ay inside t%e %ouse* He's ea$er for %is sleepo)er* +nce around t%e car' As of late' 2ump into t%e dri)er's seat and put on t%e seatbelt*

dri)e "%ile #in1s is in c%ar$e of snac1s and mans t%e radio* lea)e t%e street* $i)e %er a

.Are you $onna play toni$%t/. s%e as1s as

side"ays $lance' catc%in$ t%e c%ee1y smile on %er face* amused4and a little re$retful* .+%' come on* . "is% 'd ne)er told you t%at'.

s%a1e my %ead'

"anna %ear you play*.

admit' sorta meanin$ it and sorta not* can play t%e $uitar or t%e

don't 1no"* t's not%in$ special* t's not li1e

piano* t's 2ust one fuc1in$ son$' and it's on t%e %armonica* 7y counselor in prison encoura$ed us to %a)e a creati)e outlet* &afe to say' music ain't mine* &am' my cellmate in prison' played t%e %armonica* He tried to $et me into it* t didn't "or1' but "as still impressed "it% t%e "ay %e could found incredibly fuc1in$ lo)e %is $o at it* &o' %e tau$%t me a fe" t%in$s' all of "%ic% music*

lame* #%en %e put on some 7uddy (aters one day' and

as1ed &am to teac% me one of %is son$s' to "%ic% %e loo1ed at %ad t%at 2ust

me as if 'd $one insane* &afe to say' 7uddy (aters4yea%' %is son$s aren't t%e easiest to play* But4after about four fuc1in$ mont%s' son$ do"n* Ho"e)er' it's also t%e only son$* don't 1no" s%it*

mana$ed to copy &am "ell enou$% and t%en remember "%at 'd done* .3ou %a)e to play* 5lease/. And s%e fuc1in$ pouts* #%at mout% of %ers4 .Distractin$'. "%isper under my breat% and face t%e road*

'm so fuc1ed-up in lo)e "it% %er* t's not some %ero comple9* t's 2ust %er* &%e's my fuc1in$ #in1s*

.Fine'.

mutter*

.3es;. &%e actually t%ro"s a fist-pump in t%e air* !o, that's where -athan gets it "rom. #%e rest of t%e t"o %our dri)e is comfortable@ t%ere's idle c%it-c%at e)ery no" and t%en about not%in$ special* #%e only t%in$ of si$nificance "e tal1 about is %er standin$ disa$reement "it% >ada* #%eir con)ersation is stilted' forced' and bot% are stubborn* (%ic% suc1s' $uess* mean' can see bot% sides* >ada only 1no"s me from "%at #in1s %as told me' and up until about t%ree mont%s a$o' it "as not%in$ positi)e* &o4four years of t%in1in$ 'm not%in$ but a selfis% pric1 to4"%ate)er #in1s %as said about me recently* And tell #in1s t%is,t%at it "ould be 1inda "eird for >ada to 1inda s%ru$ at t%at' 'cause >ada still li1e me,but s%e s%oots bac1 "it%' .&%e also 1no"s t%e circumstances* &%e 1no"s %o" you $re" up*. doesn't 1no"* +nly people close to me do* No one 1no"s better t%an #in1s' and maybe t%at's "%y s%e's bein$ so for$i)in$ and understandin$* ?eluctantly' #in1s says t%at maaaaaybe s%e $ets my point* &%e's fuc1in$ cute "%en s%e's bein$ stubborn* . 'm still $lad s%e bo"ed out toni$%t' t%ou$%'. s%e says' foldin$ %er arms o)er %er c%est* And t%at's anot%er t%in$' in t%e car s%e's al"ays "earin$ too little* #%ose ti$%t-as-fuc1 2eans' and4t%at s%irt4 1esus4it's 1inda loose-fittin$' but it re)eals a lot of %er left s%oulder and %er lacy bra strap* t's purple' by t%e "ay,%er bra* t's dar1 purple* Lace* &o' %ere tryin$ not to lose my "ucking mind* si$% and ti$%ten my $rip on t%e "%eel* .&%e's 2ust bein$ protecti)e of you* +nly a $ood friend "ould do t%at*. am'

.6$%*. &%e lets out a noise of dis$ust* .5lease don't sound reasonable today' Cullen*. can't %elp but lau$%* .But s%e didn't %a)e to be so fuc1in$ catty,s%e "as plain rude and mean*. let it $o* n an attempt to c%an$e t%e sub2ect' as1' .3ou e9cited about toni$%t/.

.<od' yes'. s%e $roans' cuppin$ %er c%ee1s* &ittin$ up strai$%ter in %er seat' s%e faces me more fully* .Am wanting a ni$%t a"ay from Nate/. fro"n and scratc% my eyebro"* .(%y "ould t%at ma1e you %orrible/. #%at's 2ust ridiculous* a brea1' but %a)en't been around our son lon$ enou$% to "ant %a)e little o)er t"o don't %a)e four years of bein$ t%ere* %orrible for really "antin$ t%is,for

mont%s* .Come on' #in1s* 3ou t%in1 you're t%e only parent in t%e "orld "%o "ants a ni$%t alone e)ery no" and t%en/. c%uc1le*

.#in1s' #in1s' #in1s'. s%e mimics and slumps bac1 a$ainst %er seat* t'd be a 1inda comical si$%t if "asn't constantly ner)ous about slippin$, once a$ain,and callin$ %er #in1s* . need to $et o)er t%is*. 7y bro"s 1nit to$et%er* .6m' "%at do you mean/. <et o)er "%at/ . t bot%ers me t%at it doesn't bot%er me'. s%e says fran1ly* .And sense/. Not e)en a little* .&ure4. &%e lau$%s and slaps my arm* .3ou lie*. &%e's oddly li)ely today* li1e it* "anna

$et o)er it, don't "ant it to bot%er me t%at it doesn't bot%er me* 7a1e

.(%at e9actly is it t%at bot%ers you,bot%ers you t%at it doesn't' um' bot%er you/. Did $et t%at ri$%t/

'm confused* .#%at you call me #in1s a$ain' 8d"ard'. s%e si$%s* .A part of me "ants to be upset' but 'm not* And t%at suc1s*. +%* 4 don't really 1no" "%at to say about t%at* +r' maybe4 .7aybe it's because "e %a)en't tal1ed yet4/. &%e %ums and loo1s out t%e "indo"* .3ea%4 7aybe*. 'm %onestly ner)ous as %ell about tomorro"' but at t%e same time it's all "ant* "ant to plead my case,be$ for for$i)eness' tal1 to %er about t%e past four years' and4 don't fuc1in$ 1no"* +)er t%e past fe" mont%s' ')e seen my t%erapist in Kenai at least t"ice a "ee1* +ne session is usually dedicated to t%e present' all t%in$s in)ol)in$ #in1s and Nate' and one session about my past* He tells me for$i)e myself' but ')e started to belie)e 7aybe if s%e finds me "ort%y of it' can' too* &o' yea%' need to need #in1s' for$i)eness first* %ope tomorro"

can brin$ me somet%in$ to $o on* Because "%ereas #in1s can read me )ery "ell, can't lie to sa)e my fuc1in$ life, can't read %er at all* &%e's so %onest and open' but t's frustratin$* t's also "%at ma1es me so appre%ensi)e and ner)ous "%ene)er 'm around %er and don't %a)e Nate to distract me* %ad so many people "as feared* But a didn't co)er my don't don't %a)e a $rasp on %o" s%e really feels*

Kinda stran$e if you t%in1 about it4 For years' fooled* "as a 1in$* n For1s'

"as treated li1e a $od* let %er see it*

fe" "ee1s "it% #in1s and all t%at c%an$ed* &%e sa" it all' and not 2ust because "e li)ed to$et%er* #%en a$ain' trac1s as "ell as s%ould %a)e' and maybe it "as a cry for %elp/

1no"' but it's plausible* Ho"e)er' if t%at's t%e case' it ma1es me e)en more of a monster* #o t%in1 t%at t%e 1no",t%at did "%at ruined %er' "%at did* #%e t%in$s "ent so far as to star)e for %er to be in treated %er' %o" publicly allo"ed for %er to piece it all to$et%er,and t%en4t%en called %er' %o" did "%en s%e told me s%e "as pre$nant "it% our boy4 rub my c%est to $et t%e ac%e to dissol)e* +nly' it

7y %eart clenc%es' and

doesn't* t ne)er fuc1in$ does* ')e been told t%e trut% by a %andful of t%erapists no"@ 1no" t%at don't

didn't deser)e any of t%e blo"s my fat%er deli)ered* 7y c%ild%ood became non-e9istent "%en Dad $a)e into %is feelin$s for anot%er man* 1no" if it "as a side of %im %e al"ays pus%ed do"n' or if %is se9uality c%an$ed as %e $ot older4 'll ne)er 1no" t%e trut% about t%at4but %e's a te9tboo1 case accordin$ to many* #%ere's speculation about my tri$$erin$ Dad "%en "as a 1id* 7y

$randfat%er on Dad's side4 ')e %eard stories about %im@ %e died before "as born* But yea%' %e "as )ery strict* 0is )ie"s on society' $ender roles' "%at's ri$%t and "ron$4%e pro2ected t%em onto Carlisle' $irly' maybe,and do remember one day "%en $uess/ pic1ed Any"ay' it could')e been somet%in$ small,some action t%at "as deemed "as 1id4 flo"ers to $i)e my mom* remember s%e "as sic1@ a friend's mot%er pic1ed flo"ers for %er/ &omet%in$ li1e

dro)e me %ome from sc%ool' and

t%at* And per%aps t%at tri$$ered Dad,"%en %e sa" t%em* He $ot mad' furious' %e snapped* #oo $irly' too $ay4too much like him* t%in1 "as ei$%t "%en t%at %appened' but 'm sure did somet%in$

.$irly. "%en

"as fi)e' too* And4 &ince t%en' %e made it %is mission in

life to ma1e me a man* But not%in$ "as e)er enou$%' "%ic% my t%erapists say is related to %o" %e )ie"ed %imself: he "as too $irly' too $ay' not man enou$%* n %is o"n fat%er's eyes* Hence t%e abuse t%at ne)er deser)ed*

His self-%atred "as t%ro"n on me' on my face' my body* All t%is be$an "%en "e mo)ed from 5%oeni9 to &eattle@ t%at "as also "%en Dad met Liam,at %is ne" 2ob* I digress. !orta. 1no" ne)er deser)ed %is punc%es or my mot%er's ne$lect* 1ne" "%at "as* "as a 1ne"

)ictim' but t%at doesn't erase t%e fact t%at erase t%e fact t%at "%at a fuc1in$ beast

became Carlisle* t doesn't

"as doin$ "as so "ron$' eit%er*

bullied people' pus%ed t%em do"n' made "asn't %appy' "%y s%ould ot%ers

t%em feel li1e s%it' and

didn't care* f

be/ #%at's %o" my mind "or1ed bac1 t%en* And no"' because of %o" pain ')e caused* may not %a)e deser)ed t%e s%itty c%ild%ood deser)e "%at did to %er' eit%er* "as $i)en' but #in1s didn't acted in t%e past' 'm li)in$ "it% t%e constant

pain in my c%est@ it's 1no"led$e* A"areness* +f "%at ')e done,of t%e

n t%e span of a fe" mont%s' s%e "as betrayed and used by t%e teac%er s%e t%ou$%t s%e "as in lo)e "it%' s%e "as %umiliated in %er sc%ool' and on t%at )ery fuc1in$ day' s%e lost bot% %er parents* #%en s%e "as s%ipped off to For1s' "%ere "as more t%an %appy to brin$ %er do"n "it% me* +n too1 %er to t%at little cabin in t%e "oods' %er second day in For1s'

smo1ed "eed "it% %er' and t%en "ucked %er* 'm not sayin$ s%e "asn't "illin$' but %o" fuc1in$ insensiti)e "as / Did e)en $i)e %er my condolences for %er parents' deat%s/ Did No* didn't* 7y life "as too full of misery' so s%oulders' too* &%e "as a se)enteen-year-old $irl "%ose entire "orld %ad cras%ed do"n around %er' and "%at did do/ $i)e a s%it/ didn't "ant %er crap on my

fuc1ed %er* #%at's all

did*

ate %er up and t%en spat %er out* am*

#%ere are no "ords stron$ enou$% to describe %o" as%amed And as $lance o)er at #in1s ri$%t no"'

can only %ope s%e "ill for$i)e can't compre%end it*

me one day*

1no" s%e said s%e "ould' but =C38=

.3ea%' o1ay' t%at's "ron$' Cullen*. #in1s s%a1es %er %ead at me and $rabs t%e spoon from my %and* .3ou')e ne)er made $uacamole before/. snic1er and lean my %ip a$ainst t%e counter* .+f course %a)e* $o to

t%e store' pic1 up some $uacamole' and t%at's %o" it's done;. &%e $i$$les and playfully elbo"s me in t%e $ut* .+utta my "ay,you can c%ec1 on t%e fries*. .3es' ma'am*. "al1 o)er to t%e o)en and ta1e t%e opportunity to c%ec1

t%e time on t%e micro"a)e* 8mmett s%ould be bac1 soon "it% C%arlotte' 5eter' and ?osalie* He's pic1in$ t%em up at t%e airport in &terlin$* .#%e fries may or may not be done'. supposed to be t%reatenin$' but inform #in1s* &%e $i)es me a loo1 t%at's can see t%e smile tu$$in$ at t%e corners c%uc1le and s"ipe

of %er mout%* .(%at/ (%at do you "ant me to say/. up my beer from t%e 1itc%en island*

.7aybe you s%ould $o study t%at coo1boo1 you bou$%t'. s%e teases* $rin and s%a1e my %ead no* Last "ee1end' made dinner for all of us' and4ne)er a$ain* +1ay' 'll 1no" %o"* t "ill ma$ically %appen

coo1 a$ain' but 'd rat%er "ait 'til one day' 'm sure of it*

.Can you at least pour t%e salsa into a bo"l/.

nod* . hat

can do*. pass

.5raise >esus for small miracles'. s%e mumbles under %er breat% as %er* n return to %er "ords' out a s%rie1* .Ass;. +penin$ t%e frid$e'

po1e %er side' causin$ %er to 2ump and let

lau$% t%rou$% my nose and as1' .Anot%er drin1/.

&%e $a)e me an entire spiel earlier about )od1a )ersus $in for tonic* Apparently' s%e and some c%ic1 s%e "or1s "it%,7ary' "as,are bot% passionate about t%eir )od1a* .3es' please'. s%e ans"ers s"eetly* After $rabbin$ t%e salsa and tonic from t%e frid$e and t%e )od1a from t%e free:er' before "al1 o)er to #in1s' little "or1 station and fi9 %er a )od1a tonic $et started on t%e salsa* No"' t%e salsa4t%at's a )ery t%in1 %er name

complicated tas14 pour it into a bo"l* .+1ay' 'm done*. .3ou made it;. &%e claps %er %ands* sco"l* &%e pats my c%ee1 and t%en points to a cupboard* .#ortilla c%ips ne9t*. #al1 about labor* .>ust into a bo"l/. .3ea%*. And s%e continues on to t%e sto)e "%ere s%e's $ot %er taco bur$ers in a pan* &%e's made t%em %erself' and don't fuc1in$ understand %o" s%e does it* &%e mi9ed $round beef "it% taco seasonin$' and t%en, all of a sudden,t%e 1itc%en started smellin$ li1e a 7e9ican restaurant* No"' sa" "%en s%e made t%em earlier' and eac% bur$er is t"o-layered* t%in1' t%in1' t%in1 t%at's my n bet"een' t%ere's melted c%eese' and stomac% rumblin$*

As

pour t"o ba$s of #ostitos into a lar$e bo"l'

"atc% as s%e bends o)er

to pull out )e$etables from t%e bottom of t%e frid$e* hat ass/ And "%ile "e're coo1in$' s%e's not e)en "earin$ t%at loose-fittin$ s%irt s%e "ore in t%e car* No" t%ere's 2ust a "%ite "ife-beater and,"%o could for$et,t%at purple lace bra* (%ic% %olds full tits t%at s%e didn't %a)e almost fi)e years a$o* &0uee:in$ my eyes s%ut' empty t%e last ba$ of c%ips into t%e bo"l as

"ill my coc1 to stand do"n* +t ease, um, drill sergeant( .By t%e "ay' "%ose $uitar is t%at sa" in t%e li)in$ room/. #in1s as1s*

blo" out a breat% and brin$ t%e bo"ls of dip and c%ips to t%e 1itc%en island* .8mmett's*. .Cool* didn't 1no" %e played*.

didn't' eit%er' but %e %as actually played since %i$% sc%ool* =C38= (%ile #in1s is s%arin$ some $roup %u$ "it% ?osalie and C%arlotte on t%e porc%' "al1 do"n t%e steps and li$%t up a smo1e 2ust as 8mmett and 5eter reac% me* .Been a "%ile,$ood to see ya a$ain' Cullen*. 5eter $rins and e9tends %is %and* s%a1e it firmly' internally tryin$ to $et rid of t%e unease feel* .3ou too'

5ete*. Alas1a is my %ome no", feel )ery comfortable %ere,so seein$ someone from For1s stirs up some old s%it* t'll pass in a moment or t"o'

but ri$%t no" it's a clusterfuc1 of emotions runnin$ t%rou$% me* .8mmett told me you ran t%e Ne"tons outta to"n*. Ne"tons' +utfitters e)idently didn't stand a c%ance "%en %e opened %is o"n store* .+% yea%' 'm t%e one you $o to "%en you "anna fis% or %unt no"'. %e lau$%s* smir1 and ta1e a dra$ from my smo1e* .And no" you're runnin$ "it% t%e bi$ boys up %ere in Alas1a*. .Ha; 3ou're sayin$ (as%in$ton is safe/. . ')e seen t%ree bears around %ere,t%at's 2ust t%is mont%'. is my response* <ranted' t%ey "ere far a"ay' but "%ate)er* .Cullen and sa" t%is %u$e one "%en "e "ere on our "ay to Kenai last

"ee1*. 8mmett "%istles* .Fuc1in$ beast*. 'm noddin$ alon$' a$reein$ "it% t%at* .Hey' "e %a)e bears and all t%at in (as%in$ton' too'. 5eter %uffs' still $rinnin$* .3ea%' li1e t"o'. 8mmett says "it% a snic1er* .<uys;. %ear #in1s s%out from t%e porc%* .3ou almost done "it% your

pissin$ contest/;. All t%e c%ic1s start lau$%in$* (al1in$ o)er to t%e ed$e of t%e porc%' and t%en toss it into t%e pot same* .(e barely $ot started'. &%e $rins "idely' and c%uc1le and come to a stop ri$%t ne9t to %er* almost can't stop ta1e a final pull from my smo1e

%a)e ne9t to t%e steps* 8mmett does t%e

"anna touc% %er so badly t%at

myself from doin$ so* But be %onest'

mana$e to s0uas% t%at s%it do"n and face $reet "it% a nod* #o li)ed in &eattle'

C%arlotte and ?osalie instead* .Lon$ time no see'.

don't really li1e eit%er of t%ese t"o "omen* C%arlotte's too

persistent' loud' and 1no"s no boundaries* Bac1 "%en do be$in/

for instance' s%e came and "ent as s%e pleased* And ?osalie4"ell' "%ere

C%arlotte smiles* .Nice to finally see %o" you li)e up %ere* 3ou loo1 %appy' Cullen*. . am'. say' briefly loo1in$ do"n at #in1s*

.8nou$% of t%is'. 8mmett says' rubbin$ %is %ands to$et%er* .&omet%in$ smells delicious from inside' and 'm "illin$ to bet it %as not%in$ to do "it% Cullen*. punc% %is arm as #in1s $i$$les' .Hey' %e poured t%e c%ips and salsa into bo"ls* #%at's somet%in$*. .Loo1 "%o decided to be funny'. $ro"l playfully and $rab %er in a us%er %er

%eadloc1* &%e lau$%s and pus%es' and "%en t%at doesn't "or1' s%e starts tic1lin$ me* .+1ay' 'll stop*. (it% a %and on %er lo"er bac1' inside a$ain' and e)eryone follo"s* .(e can deal "it% all t%e ba$s later'. 8mmett says' and lea)e 'em %ere in t%e %all"ay*. (e don't really 1no" "%at "e're $onna do about sleepin$ arran$ements' but 'm pretty sure ?osalie "ill be in 8mmett's room "it% %im' re$ardless of "%ere t%ey stand "it% t%eir relations%ip* #in1s "ill eit%er sleep in my room "%ile sleep on t%e couc% do"n %ere' or s%e "ill $o "it% t%e spare bed "e can set up in Nate's room* #%ere's also a spare mattress for C%arlotte "%ic% "e'll set up in t%e li)in$ room' and 5eter4%e'll $o "it% "%ate)er option is still a)ailable' suppose* doubt %e'll complain' and a$ree* .>ust

t%en tomorro"4 As far as >ada'

1no"' %e "ants to c%ec1 some si$%ts' maybe

dri)e to Anc%ora$e* &ince C%arlotte's %eadin$ t%ere to )isit >asper and t%in1 5eter "ill $o "it% %er* And 8mmett and ?osalie "ere $onna dri)e to Kenai' c%ec1 into a motel' and sit do"n and tal1* #in1s and "ill do t%e same %ere* #al1' t%at is* But not no"* No" 'm

fuc1in$ star)in$' and #in1s %as coo1ed up a feast' all of "%ic% is set on t%e table in t%e li)in$ room* .(e need music' ri$%t/. 8mmett as1s 2ust as on eac% s%ort end* .7aybe some-. #in1s cuts %im off* .5ut on my list;. $rimace and nud$e %er* .3ou 1iddin' me/ No offense' %oney' but4. Her taste in music isn't t%e best* Actually' if (ard is %er obsession ri$%t no"* . 'm not puttin$ on t%at sad mot%erfuc1er a$ain' Bella'. 8mmett says' s%a1in$ %is %ead* . t "as all "e listened to last "ee1end*. .(%o're you tal1in$ about/. C%arlotte as1s* .#yler (ard'. ans"er* remember correctly' t%ere are a fe" $enres "e bot% li1e' but #in1s is on a sin$er-son$"riter 1ic1* #yler ta1e my seat ne9t to #in1s*

?osalie and 8mmett "ill be across from us' and 5eter and C%arlotte "ill be

Her face li$%ts up li1e a $oddamn C%ristmas tree* .He's ama:in$; 8m' put it on*. $roan and palm my face* .89actly;. #in1s s%outs in triump%* #%en s%e pleads in my ear* .5retty please/. feel %er arm comin$ up and can hear t%e pout' s"ear*

around my s%oulders@ s%e leans in close to me* . t's 2ust "%ile "e eat'.

.#%at's not fair'.

complain and tilt my %ead in %er direction* .Duit s%a1e my %ead in amusement* reali:e 2ust %o"

poutin$*. Her bottom lip 2uts out a bit more* .&top,or 'll pinc% it*. #%at ma1es %er $i$$le' and close "e are' so si$% and strai$%ten up* .Fine* But only "%ile "e eat*.

.3es;. &%e %i$%-fi)es C%arlotte o)er t%e table* .#%at'd be some #yler (ard' 8m* <et $oin$*. #urnin$ to me a$ain' s%e $rins and 1isses my c%ee1* .3ou're easy*. splutter a little' 'cause 'm that smoot%* .3ou suc1' Cullen'. 8mmett $rumbles' comin$ o)er to t%e table* n t%e bac1$round' #yler (ard's )ersion of +ne?epublic's .<ood Life. filters t%rou$% t%e spea1ers* . t%ou$%t "e "ere $onna rule t%e stereo "it% classics toni$%t*. .(e "ill'. )o" firmly and plate a taco bur$er* Buns and fries follo"* +%'

and fres% )e$etables and dip* 8)eryone else di$s in' too' and comments about #in1s' mad coo1in$ s1ills come ri$%t after* #%en' to my surprise' tal1 is comfortable* (e don't tal1 about t%e past* t's more about catc%in$ up* And since e)eryone 1no"s "%at ')e done in t%e past four years' t%ey don't as1 me t%at particular 0uestion* #%an1 <od* 'm mostly 0uiet' content to listen and eat* #in1s is busy catc%in$ up "it% %er $irlfriends' one of "%om,?osalie,s%e %asn't spo1en to since "e li)ed in For1s' and t%e $uys tal1 about e)eryday t%in$s in our life* a$ain con)inced no"%ere* do tal1 a little' especially "%en #in1s spea1s about made t%e ri$%t c%oice to buy a %ouse in t%e middle of Nat%an' but t%at's about it* 'm en2oyin$ t%is' really' t%ou$% 'm once

'm t%in1in$ about buyin$ or rentin$ a small place in Anc%ora$e' too' t%ou$%* "anna be closer to #in1s and Nate durin$ t%e "ee1' and if can find a %ouse in t%e city' 'm sure can "or1 t%ere' too* Not t%at 'm really do it for

"or1in$ no","it% t%e "ood"or1in$,but 'm obsessed "it% it* #%ere's still no rus%* #%ere "as one day last "ee1 "%en "as bored' so created a

fun ri$%t no"' 2ust "antin$ to $et better* (e'll see "%at %appens later*

c%essboard* >ust simple s%it li1e t%at* t's fun* ?ela9in$ and t%erapeutic* .(%at are you t%in1in$ so %ard on/. #in1s as1s 0uietly' only for me to %ear* c%e" and s"allo" t%e food in my mout% before ans"erin$* .(ood"or1in$'. c%uc1le*

&%e smiles* .3ou lo)e it*. . do*. nod and "ipe my mout% "it% a nap1in* . lo)e t%is' too*. point

to my plate* .8)er t%ou$%t about becomin$ a c%ef/. .No "ay'. s%e lau$%s* . t's fun,but to "or1 "it% it/ No' t%an1s* Besides' if "or1ed at a restaurant' "%o'd coo1 for you/. place my arm at t%e bac1 of %er

<ood point* .Don't become a c%ef*.

c%air* .#%e restaurant business is nasty any"ay* 3ou don't "anna $et in)ol)ed "it% t%e li1es of <ordon ?amsey*. .?i$%t' 'cause e)ery c%ef is li1e %im'. s%e says' noddin$ seriously* $rin and lean a little closer* .3ou $et it*. 6nfortunately' our bubble bursts "%en ?osalie demands #in1s' attention a$ain* =C38=

&e)eral %ours later' "e %a)e mo)ed from t%e table to t%e couc% and c%airs' and better music is blarin$ outta t%e spea1ers* #%e coffee table is loaded "it% alco%ol' mi9ers' soda' snac1s' and definitely bu::ed' too* #%ou$%' %a)e t%e perfect bu:: $oin$ on in my system* #in1s' "%o's sittin$ ne9t to me on t%e couc%' is t%in1 C%arlotte,s%e's on t%e ot%er side "on't tell %er t%at of #in1s,is t%e "orst* Apparently' s%e's not lo)in$ it in #e9as and belie)es alco%ol "ill ta1e %er state of misery a"ay for a ni$%t* it's impossible to run a"ay from your problems* Any"ay' s%e's tal1in$ about "antin$ to mo)e to C%ica$o' and bla%' bla%' bla%* 'm not really payin$ attention* nstead 'm listenin$ to 8mmett tellin$ 5eter about a"esomeness t%at is Alas1a* .3ou sound li1e you "anna mo)e %ere permanently'. 5eter comments and $rabs a %andful of Doritos* He's sittin$ across from me' on a 1itc%en c%air* told %im "e could $et one of t%e more comfortable c%airs from eit%er my bedroom or 8mmett's' but %e declined* . 'm t%in1in$ about it' actually'. 8mmett admits before tippin$ bac1 %is beer bottle* At %is "ords' loo1 to my ri$%t* ?osalie is in t%e recliner by t%e s%ort end of t%e table' but 2ud$in$ by %er e9pression' s%e didn't %ear 8mmett* &%e's busy tal1in$ to #in1s and C%arlotte* . lo)e it up %ere*. 8mmett settles deeper into %is o"n recliner* . f only people up %ere didn't feel t%e need to fly e)ery-fuc1in$-"%ere;. His fist comes do"n on t%e armrest* . t's li1e, mean4say 2ust boo1 a plane tic1et;'. let out a lau$% at t%at* .3ou $otta o)ercome t%at fear' man*. .(%o %as to o)ercome "%at/. #in1s as1s' sna1in$ an arm around my bicep* &ince s%e's s%ifted in %er seat' in my direction' in on t%e con)ersation* Automatically' closer' but "%at stuns me is t%at s%e $oes for it* assume s%e "ants lift my arm for %er to come e)en %ad a buddy around %ere and "e a$ree to meet up for coffee or "%ate)er' and it's li1e' '3ea%' 'll be t%ere* Let me

"as sober' 'd be frea1in$ out li1e a )ir$in on prom ni$%t* respond 0uietly' restin$ my arm around %er

.8mmett's fear of flyin$'.

s%oulders* .He's t%in1in$ about mo)in$ %ere*. .+%' you s%ould'. #in1s tells 8mmett' noddin$* .Hey' you could open a diner %ere instead;. 8mmett actually seems to li1e t%at idea* He doesn't say anyt%in$ more about it' but idea' but can tell t%at t%e "%eels are %a)e no

turnin$ in %is %ead* (%at t%is "ould mean for %im and ?osalie' sub2ects come tomorro"* .Ha)in$ fun toni$%t/.

can't really brin$ myself to care at t%is moment* Hea)ier

murmur in #in1s' ear* Fuc1' s%e smells $ood* Her

perfume or "%ate)er it is4s"eet' but not sic1ly so* t 1inda pulls me in* .Very'. s%e replied in a %us%ed tone* &%e smiles up at me* .(e needed t%is*. nod' "antin$ to 1iss %er* . a$ree'. say' %earin$ ?osalie and C%arlotte

say somet%in$ about s%oppin$ in C%ica$o* #al1 about borin$ topic* .And "%en're you $onna play/. 7y c%uc1le comes out in a $roan' and my %ead lolls bac1 a$ainst t%e couc%* .(%y did you remember/. tan1 of %ers* .A"' "%y don't you "ant to/. &%e's poutin$ a$ain, can tell* &till restin$ my %ead on t%e bac1 of t%e couc%' bulls%it* turn to %er* . 'm s%y*. stare at t%e ceilin$' my fin$ers dra"in$ la:y circles on %er bare arm* &%e's still 2ust "earin$ t%at "%ite

&%e "ears a teasin$ $rin* .Liar'. s%e sin$s* .But seriously'. %er amusement is $one' .let me 1no" if 'm bein$ pus%y*. smile softly* .Na%' it's o1ay* 3ou really "ant me to play/. &%e nods ent%usiastically* .All ri$%t'. c%uc1le' sittin$ up strai$%ter* .8mmett;. He %alts %is

con)ersation "it% 5eter and faces me "it% a "%at's-up loo1* .#%at $uitar*. 2er1 my c%in at t%e $uitar case by t%e fire in t%e corner* .3ou "anna play/. .Hell yea%*. He s%oots ri$%t up* .(%at made you c%an$e your mind' dude/. inks. &ee' 8mmett's as1ed me a fe" times before if but dunno* For one' sittin$ alone in a cabin playin$ son$s to$et%er/ .#%e be$$er ne9t to me'. "ent on and on and ooon*. "anted to 2am "it% %im' find t%at a little "eird*

really only 1no" one son$* And t"o4u%' t"o $uys

tease and stand up from t%e couc%* .&%e 2ust t%ro" %er a "in1 to let %er 1no" 'm 2o1in$' say' . 'm

to "%ic% %er c%ee1s flus% a little red for some reason' and t%en 2ust $onna $rab my %armonica*. As "al1 up t%e stairs'

%ear 8mmett say t%at %e's $onna find t%e trac1

on my i5od* +nce #a:* reac% my bedroom' let myself in and ta1e a 0uic1 moment to pat

"ouldn't mind %a)in$ %im do"nstairs "it% us' but %e's one for

peace and 0uiet* After a fe" %ours "it% Nate' for instance' %e can sleep for days' it feels li1e*

A fe" minutes later'

return to t%e li)in$ room "it% t%e %armonica &am

$a)e me upon my release* .+1ay' time for some 7uddy (aters;. 8mmett announces* (%ile "as upstairs' t%ey mo)ed some s%it around' too* No" t%ere are

t"o 1itc%en c%airs bet"een t%e #V and coffee table' and 5ete's sittin$ in t%e middle of t%e couc%' C%arlotte on one side and #in1s on t%e ot%er* .+ne son$'. say "arnin$ly and slump do"n on a c%air* As 8mmett plu$s mi9 myself a stron$er drin1 toss it to #in1s* .5us%

in t%e small amplifier to %is %alf-acoustic' play "%en "e say so*. &%e fuc1in$ s0ueals* s s%e t%at e9cited/ c%uc1le and s%a1e my %ead*

and c%u$ it do"n* &eein$ t%e remote on t%e table'

.3ou're $onna play alon$ "it% t%e stereo/. 5ete as1s* lau$% a little* .(e'll lea)e t%e sin$in$ to (aters*. .(e ready/. 8mmett strums on %is $uitar* t's a far cry from a blues $uitar' but "%ate)er* nod to %im and let my lips brus% a$ainst t%e cold metal of t%e %armonica* 7y ri$%t le$ comes up to rest on my t%i$%' and try to $et comfortable in my seat* .All ri$%t' so it's 'Baby' 5lease Don't <o'' and4. He tunes one of t%e strin$s* .Bella' you can pus% play*. (%ic% s%e does rat%er fuc1in$ 0uic1ly* #%e $uitar on t%e trac1 be$ins ri$%t a"ay' and 8mmett follo"s* 'm ri$%t be%ind %im' $lad remember e)eryt%in$ &am tau$%t me*

7uddy (aters' bluesy )oice fills t%e air* 'aby, please don't go

'aby, please don't go 'aby, please don't go down to -ew .rleans $ou know I lo%e you so Closin$ my eyes' tap my foot to t%e beat and ta1e 0uic1 breat%s in play off of eac% ot%er' al"ays mimic1in$

bet"een playin$* 8mmett and

t%e sin$in$ "it% our instruments* Bet"een )erses' 8mmett does a fe" riffs alon$ "it% t%e $uitarist on t%e trac1@ do t%e same*

By t%e t%ird )erse' my s%oulders rela9* urn your lamp down low urn your lamp down low urn your lamp down low= I beg you all night long 'aby, please don't go Coincidentally' 8mmett and mess up on t%e same riff' but "e 2ust lau$%

it off and slip into t%e ne9t se0uence* &"eat starts to bead on my fore%ead' and "%en t%e last )erse is ne9t' 1no" t%at 'm $onna need a fuc1in$ smo1e and some fres% air after t%is* $ou know your man down gone $ou know your man down gone $ou know your man down gone to the country "arm With the shackles on

#%e son$ fades to a stop 2ust a second or t"o after t%e final lyrics %a)e been sun$' and sin1 bac1 in my seat' a $rin on my face and catc% my fuc1in$ breat%* 8mmett's on t%e same pa$e* .#%at "as ama:in$' $uys;. #in1s is so tipsy* .&eriously,$reat*. 5eter nods and smiles* slap my %ands do"n on my t%i$%s* .And no" #in1s anot%er "in1* .&%o"'s o)er*. As it turns out' 'm not t%e only one "%o "ants fres% air' so "e all step out on t%e porc%* 'm 0uic1 to li$%t one up and ta1e a deep dra$ from it* 7y eyes are trained on t%e dar1 not%in$ness a%ead of me* #%e porc% lamp only re)eals t%at it's sno"in$ %ea)ily* #%e air is crisp' cold as fuc1' and star1 contrast to t%e %eat from inside* .#ime to let out #a: a$ain' maybe/. 8mmett as1s* .Fuc1'. mutter* . for$ot* 3ea%' it's time*. But before can put out my s%udder' standin$ %ere in only a t-s%irt and 2eans* (ell' snea1ers' too* But it's a need a smo1e*. $i)e

smo1e and %ead bac1 in' #in1s offers to do it* .#%an1 you'. say "it% a smile' and t%e ne9t minute suc1s* 'Cause t%in1 t%ere's somet%in$ don't 1no"* Doesn't s%e %a)e a

?osalie is all about suc1in$ up to 8mmett' and $oin$ on bet"een C%arlotte and 5eter* boyfriend in #e9as' t%ou$%/

recall #in1s sayin$ somet%in$ li1e t%at*

. brou$%t drin1s' too;. #in1s comes out "it% t%ree beers in one %and' one of ?osalie's ciders stuc1 in %er front poc1et' and t"o $lasses in %er ot%er %and* #a: moseys do"n t%e steps and out into t%e ni$%t*

.#%an1s'. ?osalie c%uc1les' acceptin$ %er bottle* C%arlotte is ne9t "it% %er rum and Co1e' and t%en t"o beers are %anded out to 8mmett and 5eter* #%en s%e 2oins me "%ere 'm standin$ on t%e first porc% step* .Here ya $o*. .#%an1 you*. "as $ood* ta1e t%e bottle of Heine1en from %er and t"ist off t%e cap* c%u$ do"n %alf t%e contents' feelin$ parc%ed* Fuc1' t%at fuc1in$ $i$$le* #%at's not cool*

#ippin$ it bac1'

belc%* .&orry*.

.No "orries*. &%e "a)es it off* .&o'. s%e $rins and steps closer' .you "ere really $ood in t%ere*. #%e left corner of my mout% lifts up* .3ea%/. &%e bobs %er %ead' ta1in$ anot%er step* .3ea%*. stare at %er' seein$ somet%in$ in %er eyes* 2ust doesn't ma1e sense* 7y fu::y brain tells me it's lust' but 'm pretty far $one' so4 Wish"ul thinking. . t%in1 t%is is my last one'. s%e says' $i$$lin$ drun1enly' and %olds up %er )od1a tonic* .<od' t%is ni$%t %as been4. &%e si$%s contentedly* 1no" "%at s%e means* .Definitely*. it's impossible* ta1e anot%er s"i$ of my beer' try to see #a:' but can't say it's unfamiliar@ it

follo"ed by a fe" pulls from my smo1e* Loo1in$ out' 7aybe %e's tryin$ to find anot%er bird,"%ate)er* .Hey' "e're ready to $o inside' $uys'. 8mmett slurs*

can %ear %im' t%ou$%' rumma$in$ around in t%e sno"*

nod at %im* . 'll be in soon* >ust $otta let #a: run around a little*.

?osalie and C%arlotte eye #in1s in 0uestion' so s%e says' . 'll be in in a moment' too*. Before t%ey %ead in' ?osalie sends me a loo1 t%at is less t%an friendly* don't $i)e a fuc1* &%e doesn't li1e me' "orld* A fe" moments pass in comfortable silence@ o1ay' as silent as it can be* #%e front door is still open' so "e can %ear music and lau$%ter from inside t%e %ouse* . lo)e it out %ere'. s%e "%ispers' settin$ do"n %er empty $lass on t%e porc% railin$* . t's so peaceful*. Noticin$ a s%i)er runnin$ t%rou$% %er' instincti)ely close t%e distance mo)e don't li1e %er4you can't li1e e)erybody in t%e

bet"een us' set do"n my beer' and place my %ands on %er arms*

t%em up and do"n slo"ly and firmly* .3ou're cold*. Hell' "e bot% are* &%e %ums and drops %er fore%ead to my collarbone* .#%is is nice*. "is% . t is'. could read %er mind* murmur' breat%in$ %er in* &lo"ly' %er %ands come up' mo)in$ s%udder and %u$ %er to me@ s%e lets out a breat% and lo)e t%is* lo)e her* And need t%is' cra)e

around my "aist*

ti$%tens %er %old' too* Fuc1*

it* #%e closeness' t%e fuc1in$ affection* n t%e bac1$round' t%ere' but can %ear a ne" son$ comin$ on' and t%in1 #in1s

%ears it' too' 'cause %er %ips s"ay to t%e beat* #%e mo)ements are barely can still feel t%em since "e're so close* t's one of my fa)orite son$s: .?oc1 7e' Baby. by B*B* Kin$* 8ric Clapton's in t%is )ersion' and it's actually4

Fuc1* t's pretty fuc1in$ seducti)e* (%en s%e s%i)ers a$ain' need to su$$est' .7aybe "e s%ould $o in*.

But s%e 2ust s%a1es %er %ead a$ainst my collarbone* .Not yet*. +1ay* 7ock me, baby 7ock me all night long 7ock me, baby 0oney, rock me all night long I want you to rock me, my baby &ike my back ain't go no bone smile into %er %air' %earin$ as s%e 0uietly' almost inaudibly' sin$s alon$ to t%e lyrics* didn't t%in1 s%e li1ed oldies*

.3ou li1e it' %u%/. 7y %ands roam %er lo"er bac1* Her response is to add a little to %er la:y s%immyin$* 7ock me, baby 0oney, I want you to rock me slow 7ock me, baby 0oney, I want you to rock me slow Want you to rock me, baby

3ntil I want no more find myself mo)in$ "it% %er* 8yes closed* 7y %ands' pre)iously on %er bac1' slide alon$ %er body in t"o directions* +ne to %er %ip' "%ere and under %er %air* (it% eac% inta1e of air' stiffenin$* #%e "orld spins a little "%en open my eyes as s%e slides %er %ands up $i)e %er a little s0uee:e* #%e ot%er up' up' up' lo"er my face* breat%e %er in* 7y nose s1ims %er %air' %er can feel my coc1 cup %er nec1* At t%e same time'

temple' %er 2a"' %er nec1* hat scent o" hers/

my arms* &%e loc1s t%em loosely around my nec1* can feel eac% time s%e e9%ales a$ainst my s1in* 7oll me, baby &ike you roll a wagon wheel 7oll me, baby &ike you roll a wagon wheel I want you to roll me, baby $ou don't know how that makes me "eel (it% a small mo)ement' s%e traps my left t%i$% bet"een %ers* &%e "ea)es %er fin$ers t%rou$% my %air* let out a 0uiet $roan a$ainst %er nec1' and %er small moan causes my coc1 to %arden furt%er*

7ock me, baby 0oney, rock me all night long 7ock me, rock me, rock me, rock me, baby 0oney, rock me all night long I want you to rock me, baby &ike my back ain't got no bone .Fuc1' baby'. breat%e out "%en s%e s"i)els %er %ips*

'm $one,lost,in a fuc1in$ %a:e* .8d"ard*. Her nose $ra:es my 2a"* .7mm4. 6nfortunately' t%ere's still a part of me t%at notes %o" cold "e are* 8specially #in1s* &%udders and s%i)ers run t%rou$% us li1e a steady current' and e)ery no" and t%en t%e "ind carries sno"fla1es' only ma1in$ it colder* (e %a)e to $o in* .#in1s'. "%isper' buryin$ my face deeper into %er nec1* Here' s%e's

"arm and smells so $oddamn $ood* .Let's $et inside' %oney*. &%e nods slo"ly' minutely* .3ea%4. +nly' s%e doesn't ma1e a mo)e to actually $o inside* (it% a la:y $rin' lea)e t%e "armt% of %er nec1 and settle my %ands on 1iss %er on t%e fore%ead* &%e %ums softly' and call out' not )ery loudly* He %ears

%er "aist* .Come on*.

re$ret not lettin$ my lips lin$er* .#a:'. it and appears from t%e dar1ness*

6s%erin$ #in1s inside'

subtly ad2ust my erection*

#%e %eat from t%e cabin comes at us "it% force' causin$ us bot% to "a1e up a little* . 'm tired'. s%e says' releasin$ me to %u$ %erself* .C%rist' it "as really cold out t%ere*. Loo1in$ do"n at %er face' $o to bed/. .All ri$%t' 'll %elp you*. see t%at %er lips are turnin$ blue* .3ou "anna

touc% %er c%ee1* &%e lets out a s%udderin$ breat% and nods* 1inda "ant %er to $o to bed' too* &%e needs to

$et "arm' and 'm t%in1in$ a soft bed and my co)ers "ill %elp* As "e $o into t%e li)in$ room' #in1s $rabs my %and* t%read our fin$ers to$et%er* 7y belly fuc1in$ tin$les,li1e 'm ner)ous* . 'll be bac1 in a minute'. tell our friends* #%ey loo1 up' %altin$ t%eir

con)ersation* .Bella's $onna $o to bed*. #%ey nod and $oodni$%ts are e9c%an$ed before stairs* .(%ere am .7y room*. $onna sleep/. s%e "onders as "e reac% t%e second floor* lead %er to said room and open t%e door* . 'll be do"nstairs $uide #in1s up t%e

or in Nate's room*. +nce "e're inside' on my ni$%tstand* . can't ta1e your bed' 8d"ard'. s%e ar$ues "ea1ly* 7o)in$ closer' s%e comes to a stop at t%e foot of t%e bed* .#%at doesn't seem fair*. close t%e door and t%en "al1 o)er to turn on t%e lamp

$rin and "al1 to %er* .3ou 1no" %o" many times couc% do"nstairs/.

fall asleep on t%e

c%uc1le and slide my %ands up %er arms' $ently

cuppin$ %er elbo"s* . probably sleep do"n t%ere more t%an %ere*. t's true* 7y bed may be more comfy' but after a ni$%t of "atc%in$ flic1s do"nstairs' it's too fuc1in$ easy to 2ust fall asleep* .Are you sure/. &%e once a$ain drops %er fore%ead to my collarbone' li1e s%e did outside* ta1e it as an in)itation to s0uee:e %er to me* .'Cause it loo1s a"fully comfortable*. smile and 1iss %er %air* &oft pec1s* . 'm sure*. Her %ands end up around my nec1 a$ain' and s"allo" %ard* &%e %as no clue %o" hard s%e's don't 1no"' but t%ere's ma1in$ it,me* All t%ose touc%es toni$%t4 usually a lot more distance bet"een us* .3ou're tired*. dip do"n and 1iss %er c%ee1* .<et some sleep*. 1iss %er 2a"' lost

.&ounds so4. &%e si$%s softly and tilts up %er %ead* a$ain* .&o4. As

feel %er lips $%ostin$ o)er my nec1* .4perfect*. don't t%in1' and4before e)en 1no" "%at 'm doin$'

cup %er face'

brus% my lips a$ainst %ers* #estin$* +nce* #"ice* &%e does t%e same* Fore%eads and noses touc%in$' too* Hands roamin$ slo"ly* 7y t%umbs s"ipe o)er t%e soft s1in under %er eyes* And t%e ne9t time' press my lips to %ers a bit firmer* &%e copies my mo)e' and t%en "e're 1issin$*

%a)e to %old bac1' "antin$ too muc%' star)ed* But "%en

feel t%e tip of

%er ton$ue flic1in$ my upper lip' all bets are off* n a breat%' my lips part* &%e's t%ere ri$%t a"ay' and our mout%s are completely loc1ed "%en taste %er for t%e first time in almost fi)e years* mo)e do"n %er sides* #in1s brea1s t%e 1iss* .8d"ard'. s%e pants' fistin$ my s%irt* .8d"ard' 4 4please-. 7y mout% comes cras%in$ do"n on %ers a$ain* <one is slo" and tentati)e* (e 1iss %un$rily' %ands $raspin$ and 1neadin$ no"* ?ipples of pleasure s%oot t%rou$% me,or maybe it's more li1e e9plosions* 8)ery"%ere* Fuelin$ us* &%e ta1es a step bac1' brin$in$ me "it% %er' and a second or t"o later' s%e tumbles do"n on t%e bed* &ince s%e still %as my s%irt in %er $rasp' $o "it% %er* $roan 0uietly' our bodies moldin$ to$et%er* Her %ands mo)e do"n my c%est' and my o"n %ands

Breat%in$ labored as fuc1' bed* 8ac% mo)e s%e ma1es'

start pepperin$ %er face and nec1 "it% 1isses* follo"*

n t%e meantime' s%e s0uirms under me' tryin$ to end up %i$%er on t%e

#%is' "%at's %appenin$ ri$%t no"' is,sadly,soberin$* !he's so drunk. .Baby'. moan "%en s%e "raps %er le$s around mine* 7y coc1' %ard as

roc1' is nestled a$ainst %er pussy* And t%is can't continue* "ant more' but "%at .+% <od' "%at am don't "ant tomorro" is re$ret in %er eyes* reali:e t%at

doin$/. s%e suddenly as1s' "%imperin$*

')e stilled my o"n mo)ements* .Fuc1* Fuc1' fuc1' fuc1*. Lettin$ me $o' s%e palms %er face* . 'm sorry* 'm so,o%' <od*. Crin$in$' roll off %er and plop do"n on t%e bed*

7y c%est %ea)es* 7y forearm co)ers my eyes* 7y erection slo"ly dies* 7y mind spins* 7y fuc1in$ fears are bac1*

Chapter song Calling by Dead 'y +pril BPOV &tarin$ up at t%e ceilin$' #%e room is dar1* I wish the world would stop spinning so "ucking 9uickly. "anted a ni$%t "%ere spades* 7y fin$ers brus% o)er my lips* 0e's still a "antastic kisser. .Don't,don't pull a"ay/. %e as1s softly* 5leadin$ly' 0uietly' %esitantly* s%a1e my %ead' so conflicted' and scoot closer to %im* . 'm %ere*. 7y %ead s"ims as %e embraces me on t%e bed' and "e maneu)er our "ay under t%e co)ers' but my c%est feels li$%ter* Companions%ip* need t%is' reali:e* more t%an need it* He's "arm@ feel protected and find could let $o of my in%ibitions4 (ell' $ot t%at in try to re$ain my breat%*

cared for' "%ic% are t%e reasons for t%e turmoil $oin$ on inside me* mean4isn't it messed up t%at it's 8d"ard' of all people' "%om comfort in/ #%en a$ain' %e's4%e's 8d"ard* He's Nate's dad' my first

friend' my first 1iss' my lin1 to my past in 5%oeni9* And %e's pro)ed to be a mature man,s"eet' 1ind' considerate' and patient* #%ere's no %ostility left in %im' and my resentment continues to fade a"ay ,little by little* t's "it% t%ose t%ou$%ts' fall asleep* =C38= #%e ne9t mornin$' 'm alone in 8d"ard's bed "%en spot ne9t to me is still "arm' so "a1e up* But t%e

doubt %e's been $one for lon$* spend a solid fifteen

7y first stop is t%e bat%room across t%e %all@ minutes in t%ere before

feel refres%ed enou$% to s%o" my face to t%e

"orld* &leepin$ "it% ma1eup on4not a $ood idea* Bac1 in t%e bedroom' open my ba$,"%ic% 8d"ard must')e brou$%t up

%ere,and c%an$e into a pair of blac1 s"eats and a matc%in$ %oodie* t's comfort food day' and you can't be all dressy for t%at* (al1in$ do"nstairs' $at%er my %air into a messy ponytail* #%e li)in$ note "%en "al1 t%ou$% it' and can't say need pain1illers' "ater'

room is as messy as my %air' and coffee* 8d"ard's in t%e 1itc%en "%en su$ar*. .7y %ero'.

'm loo1in$ for"ard to cleanin$ it* But ri$%t no"

enter* .<ood mornin$*. His smile is careful

and a little ner)ous as %e %olds up a lar$e mu$ for me* .Blac1' one

si$% contentedly* ?eac%in$ up on my tiptoes'

1iss %is c%ee1

for se)eral reasons* n t%an1s for t%e coffee' in an attempt to rela9 %im' and4because "anted to* (%ile 'm not ready for4a lot of t%in$s4 still don't re$ret "%at %appened bet"een us last ni$%t*

His smile "idens* . t's a"fully 0uiet %ere'. comment and %op up on t%e counter* #%e scream at myself internally for

mo)ement causes my %ead to spin' so bein$ so stupid* .6$%' "%at time is it/.

.Noon'. %e replies' "al1in$ o)er to lean a$ainst t%e counter ne9t to me* n %is %ands' %e %as %is o"n coffee* . "o1e up ri$%t before 8mmett and ?osalie too1 off@ t%ey too1 #a:' too* C%arlotte and 5ete left around nine, 8m told me*. c%uc1le and peer do"n in my mu$* . s it 2ust me or is t%ere somet%in$ $oin$ on bet"een C%arlotte and 5eter/. .Definitely not 2ust you*. He snorts a little lau$%* .#%ey sure as %ell seemed co:y last ni$%t*. .3ea%4. %um and nod slo"ly' t%in1in$ about anot%er t"o people "%o

"ere co:y last ni$%t* t "as4nice,more t%an nice* 'm be$innin$ to reali:e %o" lonely ')e been o)er t%e past years* 7aybe ')e %ad ama:in$ friends' and an e)en more ama:in$ little 1id' but4 And if t%is is %o" %e's been so ne$lected* 3esterday' "%en 8d"ard called me .%oney. and .baby.' re)eled in it* feel' can only ima$ine %o" it's been for 8d"ard* Hell' %is entire life' almost'

He's so familiar* 7aybe more t%an t%at* A fe" steps a"ay from "amily* blo" out a breat%' $ettin$ a little emotional* #oo early for t%at* (e %a)e t%e "%ole day' and my %ead is poundin$* .Ho" about brea1fast/. su$$est' loo1in$ up* ma1e us 1no" ')e can see %e's been studyin$ me@ t%e

sli$%t furro" of %is bro"s and intense eyes are proof of t%at* until no" 'm able to $rasp a feelin$ and $o "it% it*

been %ard to read* 7ost li1ely 'cause ')e been all o)er t%e place* t's not

.&ure'. %e says 0uietly' clearin$ %is t%roat* .Need any %elp/. $rin and care"ully $et do"n from t%e counter* .Na%' t%e company's plenty*. +penin$ one of t%e cupboards' bread $rab "%at's left of t%e oli)e bou$%t yesterday mornin$ before "e $ot %ere* t's a little stale'

but it "on't be by t%e time 'm done "it% it* .+%' "ait* Could you $rate some c%eese/. .Doesn't seem too complicated*. He smir1s and opens a dra"er* .(%at're you $onna ma1e/. .3ou'll see*. somet%in$/. He nods* .3ea%,$imme a sec*. He returns a fe" seconds later' and s"allo" t%em "it% some "ater* .Headac%e/. .A little'. ni$%t* c%uc1le and $rab t"o tomatoes from t%e frid$e* .But at least don't 1no" "%o' but someone "as t%ro"in$ up last t%in1 8d"ard "o1e up from $ratefully accept t"o pain1illers and "in1* .By t%e "ay' do you %a)e #ylenol or Ad)il or

don't feel nauseous*. it too' unless

remember $i$$lin$ sleepily at it' and

ima$ined %is smile a$ainst my nec1* "ent to

.#%at "as 8mmett*. He snic1ers* .Apparently' after you and bed' t%ey played some drin1in$ $ame do"n %ere*. lau$% as slice t%e tomatoes* . ta1e it %e lost/.

.5robably* 3ou need more c%eese t%an t%is/. &eein$ t%e pile %e's $rated' s%a1e my %ead* .No' t%at ou$%ta do it* s made yesterday/.

t%ere still some left of t%e $arlic oil

. t%in1 so4. He trails off and lea)es t%e 1itc%en for t%e li)in$ room' "%ere "e ate yesterday* And "%en %e comes bac1' %e %ands me t%e small $lass bottle of $arlic oil* After t%an1in$ %im' "e $o 0uiet for a fe" moments' and use t%e time to sort out some t%ou$%ts and $et brea1fast ready* Four slices of oli)e bread4t%e oil4t%e tomatoes4t%e $rated c%eese4and into t%e o)en* 8d"ard's stomac% rumbles a fe" minutes later' causin$ me to almost snort into my coffee* He smiles s%eepis%ly and 2ust points at t%e o)en in e9planation* (%ic% ma1es it fun* remember4 For dinner, I make pi,,a with help "rom a simple recipe I #oogled. 0e tells me pi,,a is his "a%orite, and we eat it together in his room. 0e asks "or seconds and thirds, which makes me "eel giddy. 0e also asks "or more lemonade, and I "eel warm. )What's with the goo"y smile, inks() I duck my head. )-othing.) 0e burps. hen laughs. )!orry. 3m, thanks "or dinner. It was really good. $ou should be a che" or some shit.) I kiss his cheek, and then I take the plates downstairs. But Nat%an4 He's all about fis% stic1s and mas%ed potatoes' mac and c%eese' spa$%etti and meatballs4o%' and 1etc%up* Ketc%up $oes "it% e%erything* &%a1in$ my %ead in amusement' pan from t%e o)en* %ead to t%e frid$e once more and brin$ lo)e* He ob)iously appreciates my coo1in$' and t%at

out lettuce' cream c%eese' and prosciutto* #%en it's time to brin$ out t%e

. s it time to eat no"/. %e as1s* .Almost*. place t%e food on t%e counter and add t%e %am and lettuce s%oot %im a 0uic1 $rin as put one slice of sin$*

before spreadin$ some cream c%eese on t%e opposite %al)es* .3ou can stop droolin$' by t%e "ay*. bread on top t%e ot%er* At t%e same time' 8d"ard "ipes %is mout% to see if t%ere "as really somet%in$ t%ere* .<otc%a' suc1er'.

.3ou suc1'. %e mumbles' not meanin$ it one bit* His 1ind eyes $i)e %im a"ay* #%at's it* He's become a 1ind man* Kind and %umbled* A stiffness in my s%oulders .Come on' you dor1'. didn't e)en 1no" "as t%ere melts a"ay*

c%uc1le* .Let's eat*.

&ince t%e table in t%e li)in$ room is full of stuff from dinner yesterday' "e settle on t%e couc% instead* At least t%ey')e cleared t%e coffee table of bottles' $lasses' tras%' and bo"ls* 8d"ard di$s in ri$%t a"ay' moanin$ as %e c%e"s* .Fuc1' yea%* #%is'. %e points to %is food' .mi$%t be my ne" fa)orite*. smir1* . t really tops pi::a/. His eyebro"s furro" before %e loo1s a little stunned* .3ou remember t%at my fa)orite is pi::a/. Hey' %e remembers my coffee@ about t%e past'. remember %is pi::a* . remember a lot

admit 0uietly' eyein$ my plate* A part of me is star)in$' only ta1e a small bite' and t%en

but t%e ot%er part,t%e part t%at is so an9ious,can barely stomac% t%e t%ou$%t of food* Compromisin$' $reedily drin1 my oran$e 2uice* 8d"ard brou$%t it all from t%e 1itc%en' it seems* +ran$e 2uice' iced tea' "ater' Co1e' and &prite*

.&o do '. %e "%ispers* . t%in1 you li)ed "it% us*.

remember e)eryt%in$ from "%en4"%en

n silence' %e finis%es %is sand"ic%* 'm doin$ t%e same*

can see t%at %e's preparin$ %imself*

As %e 0uietly t%an1s me for brea1fast and "ipes %is fin$ers and mout% on a nap1in' 1no" "e're seconds a"ay from openin$ up about t%e past* dran1 yesterday*

$ulp do"n some &prite' still parc%ed after t%e alco%ol

Blo"in$ out a breat%' %e runs a %and t%rou$% %is %air' pain e)ident in %is eyes* . remember %o" treated you'. %e starts by sayin$* .8)en before flinc%* . , remember a fe" days in t%e day you left For1s*. He crin$es and a)erts %is eyes* . treated you li1e a "%ore'. %e "%ispers' and particular4 +ne time' me' Bella4 '#%at's "%at told you to be a $ood $irl and strip for me* didn't $i)e a s%it* 3ou said somet%in$ li1e' a$reed*. #ears burn in my eyes' literally tried to ma1e

needed a $ood fuc1' and4. He c%o1es* . 'll ne)er for$et t%e loo1 you $a)e %urt you and am: a $ood fuc1*' And

recallin$ t%e same e)ent* . also remember %o" you for$et about condoms*

distracted you "%en you reminded me*

made sure you smo1ed more* 4 %umiliated you*. 7y bottom lip trembles' causin$ me to bite do"n on it* didn't e9pect %im to remember t%in$s li1e t%at,and so )i)idly* .3ou "ere in no place to ta1e care of me' 8d"ard'. me bac1 t%en* He s%a1es %is %ead' eyes do"ncast* . could')e i$nored you* #%ere's no e9cuse for dra$$in$ you do"n "it% me* didn't %a)e to be so fuc1in$ cruel*. His )oice crac1s* . didn't %a)e to treat you li1e s%it*. say' "ea1ly but

%onestly* He "as dealin$ "it% "ay too muc% to be a concerned friend to

"ipe at my c%ee1s' countless emotions runnin$ t%rou$% me* .Bac1 t%en4"%en it came to you4. He clears %is t%roat* or not 'd be able to ma1e you for$et about a condom* feel*. snort softly* %a)en't "orn my piercin$ since "as pre$nant "it% tell 8d"ard* used %im' see a bitter cared about "%at

smile tu$ at %is mout%* . cared about t%e ne9t time "e'd fuc1,"%et%er you could do "it% your ton$ue rin$' and %o" $ood you could ma1e me

Nat%an* And' for t%e record' in t%e be$innin$ of my stay in For1s' my t%ou$%ts "eren't e9actly noble' eit%er* (%ic% ot%er in t%at sense* He concedes "it% a small nod' but "orse* .Did you 1no" "as 2ealous of you/. %e "%ispers* fro"n' confused' and can see t%at %e still t%in1s %e "as too* #o for$et' to $et a"ay' to feel $ood for a moment* (e used eac%

%e continues* . used to snea1 into your room and loo1 at t%e p%otos of you and your parents*. 7y face crumbles' and starin$ at t%e p%otos t%e same pictures remember a fe" "ee1s a$o "%en sa" %im

%a)e outside my bedroom in Anc%ora$e* #%ey're

%ad in For1s*

.#%ose p%otos4. 5ain flas%es across %is features a$ain* .<od' t%ey lo)ed you' #in1s*. Loo1in$ up at me' "ere e)eryt%in$ to t%em' and see %is eyes full of uns%ed tears* .3ou "as so fuc1in$ en)ious* "anted t%at*

"anted my parents to lo)e me' too*. pus% do"n a sob and stretc% out my le$s to tan$le t%em "it% 8d"ard's in t%e middle of t%e couc%* #%ere "as ne)er a sin$le moment in For1s "%ere lo)ed %im* belie)ed %is parents

)'ella,) I hear Esme say, sni""ling, as she comes "rom the kitchen. )0ere.) I pause while Charlotte walks out the door. I'm a little surprised when Esme hands me a wad o" cash. ) here should be two thousand,) she croaks. )I'm sorry;this is the only way I can help you.) I still plan on emptying the debit card account they ga%e me months back. hey owe me that much, "or "uck's sake. )I doubt Carlisle will make an honest e""ort to "ind you.) I raise a brow at her= she really stated the ob%ious. ." course he won't try to "ind me. I'm 2ust trouble "or him. )I/) !he lets out a breath. )I know you don't belie%e me, but I lo%e my son.) I stare at her. )$ou're right. I don't belie%e you at all.) 8d"ard's ne9t "ords brin$ me bac1 to t%e present* . "anted someone to care about me' and4. He releases a breat%* .But "%en you did' you remember/. nod slo"ly* +f course $a)e a crap* made me "orried sic1* I'm not a damn doctor, so I don't really know what I'm doing. I 2ust grab a "ew tissues, dab them in cold water, and then position mysel" between his legs. I swallow hard, looking down at his bruised "ace. +s care"ully as I can, I swipe a corner o" the tissue under his bottom lip. )*aybe you should let your dad look at it,) I suggest ner%ously, gently wiping away some dried blood. )-o,) he replies "latly, 9uietly. )It's okay. I ha%e some antibacterial gel in my room.) Who has that stu"" in their rooms( remember* t "as t%e day did* reali:ed actually pus%ed you a"ay* Li1e' "%en you,"%en you tended to my face t%at first time4

didn't "ant to' but

cared about 8d"ard' and %e

*aybe people who want to become doctors. I chew on my lip. )Wanna go get it() ) inks/) 0e sighs and rests his hands on my hips. )Don't/don't do this, all right() *y brows knit together, and he drops his "orehead to my ribcage. )I'm "ine,) he mumbles. )I 2ust need some sleep.) .3ou "anted to be stron$'. "ea1 people*. . "as so fuc1ed up'. %e c%uc1les %umorlessly* . "is% 'd listened to you* "is%4. He si$%s* . "is% a lot of t%in$s* But ne)er bro1e t%e promise .(%at promise/. as1* made you,t%at t%in1' most of all' "is% ne)er %urt you*. croa1* .3ou t%ou$%t acceptin$ %elp "as for

His %ead tilts bac1 a$ainst t%e couc%@ %is $a:e is trained on t%e ceilin$* Vacant loo1* 8yes unseein$* .3ou told me e)eryt%in$ about "%at you'd been t%rou$% in 5%oeni9'. %e rasps' and fists* .Not only did stiffen* .3ou as1ed me to ne)er tell anyone*. No" %e s0uee:es %is eyes s%ut* His %ands ball into ti$%t brea1 t%at promise' but4.

close my eyes' reli)in$ one of t%e most painful times of my life* I see more writing on the walls. + W0.7E I- 50.E-IG, + W0.7E I- F.78! !0E #ICE! I . ECE7$.-E

he blood lea%es my "ace and my knees almost gi%e out. 0it by nausea, I co%er my mouth with my hand. -ot again. -ot again. -ot again.

Whispers and cackles surround me as I somehow reach my locker. *ore writing. 13! D.-' 73! 0E74

.-CE $.3 ! .5 F3C8I-# 0E7, !0E WI&& F+8E + 57E#-+-C$ )I don't care4) a grown:up yells;maybe a teacher. )8ick that door open4) *ore moans and groans. I "eel di,,y and slow. It's surreal. ).h, you guys weren't in the ca"eteria earlier() I hear 1essica !tanley giggle. )Cullen didn't want 'ella anymore, so the bitch told e%eryone she's preggo with his kid.) )'ella() someone laughs behind me. I'm still staring at my locker. In disbelie". .r rather, I don't want to belie%e. I don't want this to happen to me once again. )0ey, i" Cullen doesn't want you, I'm here. 0ell, there's probably a line "orming right now4) *ore laughs. *y bottom lip 9ui%ers, and I can "eel my "ace crumble. !lowly turning around, I see countless students looking at me. +nd Edward's one o" them. 0e's smirking, and I can practically read his mind. you* )!orry, 'ella,) he chuckles, that cocky smirk still on his "ace. )I guess I'm not as gullible as the teacher you "ucked back in 5hoeni6. $ou know, the teacher who had to 9uit his 2ob() told you 'd destroy

I swallow, reali,ing that it's not working. *y throat keeps closing up. ).h my gosh, you "ucked your teacher() 1essica cackles. . 'm so sorry'. 8d"ard cries 0uietly' leanin$ for"ard' elbo"s on %is 1nees* He presses t%e %eels of %is %ands to %is eyes' s%oulders s%a1in$ "it% silent sobs* . 'm sorry' 'm sorry4. stare at %im' for a moment actually not feelin$ a t%in$* As painful as it "as bac1 t%en' ')e "or1ed %ard o)er t%e years to $et o)er t%ose e)ents* #%erapy %as %elped me come to terms "it% %is actions* #%e reminder still stin$s li1e not%in$ else' but t%ere are e9planations $ood enou$% to %elp me,not necessarily to 2ustify t%ose actions' but understand t%em* All t%e circumstances %elped me mo)e past t%is* He "as a boy,a 1id* (%ile )icious' undoubtedly %ars% and cruel' lin$erin$ %urt' but %e 1ne" pus%ed

%im into doin$ something* t ne)er %ad to be that monstrous' %ence some "asn't $oin$ to ca)e for a small stin$* He'd already tried to bully me' after all* 0e shrugs. )I'm lea%ing in 1une, and/) 0e a%erts his eyes. )I'm used to it. I can take a punch.) )+nd that's "ucked up4) I shout. )&isten to yoursel"4) 0e smirks. )Fuck you, 'ella. $ou don't know what the hell you're talking about, so I suggest you 2ust drop it.) )I can't;I won't.) I shake my head. )$ou can and you will,) he argues. )We're talking about a "ew goddamn weeks. hen I'm out o" here. 1ust/2ust close your eyes or something. 5retend you don't know what's going on.) 1ust close my eyes.

$eah, not happening. )I'm not gonna kill mysel",) he laughs through his nose. he laughter dies, and what's le"t is a glare. )I'm not some pussy. .nly weak people take the easy way out.) I ignore that and re"use to welcome +lice's image in my head. )$our eyes gi%e you away, you know.) 0e stares at me, acting indi""erent;a bit condescending, e%en;but I won't gi%e him the satis"action o" ha%ing the last word. In those eyes, I see so much pain that it's physically pain"ul "or me. 0ow can he not want/re%enge or something( )$ou want out,) I say. )+nd:) hat makes him e6plode. )." course I do, you bitch4) he screams. I "linch as he gets o"" the bed. 0is eyes are murderous. )$ou're blind,) he grits out, ad%ancing slowly. )$ou grew up with the lo%ing parents, the smiles, and all the "ucking bullshit.) 0e points to his chest. )I didn't. +nd you know what that means() 0e towers o%er me. )It means you don't know shit,) he whispers. )+w, look at that. $ou're gonna cry now( $ou're gonna cry 2ust because I raised my %oice( hat's strong.) While I try to control my goddamn emotions, he smiles menacingly, making me "eel insigni"icant and small. Weak. )I don't need a sa%ior, 'ella. +nd i" I did, I sure as hell wouldn't go to you.) I s9uee,e my eyes shut. 0e chuckles. ) hat right there. #ood girl. 8eep your eyes closed. I'll be outta here in no time.) 0e steps away. )Fucking pussy.) Don't let him bully you, 'ella.

*y eyes "lash open. I take a deep breath. )I" you don't lea%e with me tomorrow, I will take down Carlisle mysel",) I tell him "irmly. 0e blinks. I see amusement then rage. )We could lea%e.) +nd now I'm pleading with him. Fuck. )0ear me out, Edward. We can pack up our shit and 2ust go. I ha%e my parents' money coming as soon as I'm eighteen. We could sell the cars:) 0e cuts me o"" with a laugh, which seems to hurt his ribs. )Will you listen to yoursel"() he whee,es out through laughs. )0ow "ucking naH%e are you() )I'm se%enteen "ucking years old, Cullen4) I scream. )I'm sorry "or not being some mastermind4) *y chest hea%es. *y %ision blurs. )I'm trying,) I choke out. ) o/to do the right thing.) 0e gi%es me a blank stare. )I won't 9uit.) I'm down to whispers. )I" you don't do it, I will. 0e belongs in prison. !hit, so does your mom.) No' "asn't $oin$ to $i)e up* 1ne" t%at* 8d"ard 1ne" t%at*

#%ou$%' t%is isn't "%y ')e resented %im' %ated %im' for almost fi)e years* t %as not%in$ to do "it% "%at %appened in For1s* t's about Nat%an* 8d"ard %as 1no"n about our son since t"o "ee1s after %e "as born* Not a sin$le p%one call* No emails* No si$n "%atsoe)er t%at

all %e needed "as time to $et better* By i$norin$ me' %e made me t%in1 Nate "as un"anted and uncared for* A letter from %im "ould')e sufficed* He could')e told me %e "as in a bad place and bein$ around Nat%an "ould cause more %arm t%an $ood* &ure' probably "ould')e scoffed at a letter li1e t%at at first' but t%at's only a first impression,a first reaction* ' of all people' 1no" t%at you need more t%an one $lance to see clearer' to understand' to $et it* .8d"ard'. "%isper' scootin$ closer to %im* "rap an arm around %is blo" out a breat%

s%oulders@ %e's still cryin$' still beatin$ %imself up' and 'm so ready for %im to stop* .8)eryt%in$ t%at "ent do"n in For1s4. and comb my fin$ers t%rou$% %is %air* 7y c%in drops to %is s%oulder* . for$i)e you for all t%at* (e bot% made %u$e mista1es' and4. &0uee:in$ me to %im' %e continues to cry silently into my nec1* His s%ame and self-%atred roll off of %im in "a)es' almost ma1in$ me nauseous* .3ou s%ouldn't for$i)e me'. %e "%impers* . s%ould')e $one "it% you to, to Alas1a*. crac1 a smile at t%at' a sad one' recallin$ our last ni$%t to$et%er* )5lease,) I breathe out. 0e knows what I'm pleading "or. )It's not that simple, inks,) he whispers. )I can't 2ust run.) )Why() I don't care about the tears "orming in my eyes. I don't care i" that makes me weak. )We could disappear. I;I/) I take a breath. )I always wanted to go to +laska.) In the darkness, I can see his grin, but I can also see the emotion in his eyes.

)+laska, huh( I thought you hated the cold.) I do, but I remember seeing pictures/ )-e%er mind,) I mutter, looking down at his chest. )It was stupid.) 0e sighs and s9uee,es me a little. .(e're %ere no"'. say softly*

. 'm sorry'. %e repeats tearfully* &ittin$ up strai$%ter' %e "ipes at %is c%ee1s and s%a1es %is %ead* .3ou can't possibly for$i)e me' #in1s*. .#%at's up to me'. say matter-of-factly* nstead of smilin$' %e $rimaces si$% and close t%e distance bet"een us lean my fore%ead to %is s%oulder* nod in

and "ipes a"ay more tears* a$ain* .(anna ta1e a brea1/.

.No*. He clears %is t%roat* . need to $et t%is stuff out*. understandin$ and reac% for %is %and* .(%at's ne9t/.

smile ruefully* .6nless you "anna tal1 about e)ery e)ent t%at led up to my lea)in$4. and t%en si$% and %e s0uee:es my %and* . $uess left* "ant to 1no" "%at %appened after mean4you $raduated' "ent off to colle$e4

sent you t%at letter*.

#%is is "%ere t%e 1not in my stomac% appears a$ain* Li1e a flip of a s"itc%* 7y stomac% rolls as born* .Colle$e, t%ou$%t it "as $onna be my escape'. %e says 0uietly* . t "asn't* studied' slept' and t%ou$%t about you* And felt completely fuc1in$ rotten*. ?eally needin$ to %ear t%is' return to my corner of t%e t%in1 about e)eryt%in$ ')e belie)ed since Nate "as

couc% and pull up my le$s to rest my c%in on my 1nee* .7y parents )isited

me t"ice,s%ort )isits* %it me4.

did "ell in sc%ool' so Dad didn't %a)e a reason to

.Did %e e)er need a reason/.

"%isper' and it "as a r%etorical 0uestion* $ot your letter4. His

8d"ard 2ust s%ru$s and loo1s do"n* .#%en "%en sadness' re$ret4 clearly*.

eyes close' causin$ a tear to roll do"n %is c%ee1* . "as filled "it% an$er' %ad t%is p%ysical need to $et bac1 at my parents* don't 1no"* "asn't t%in1in$ )ery "anted re)en$e* ?etribution4

s"allo" %ard* A part of me "onders "%y %e didn't %a)e a .p%ysical need. to see %is o"n son* As soon as Nate "as born' %e became my number one* 8)eryt%in$ else "as suddenly secondary' and it %appened so naturally* Also li1e a flip of a s"itc%* A$ain' t%ere "ere e9tenuatin$ circumstances* else* &till4 'm bitter about it* 'm unable to understand* No matter %o" abused and ne$lected 8d"ard "as' %e still %urt me* +)er t%e ne9t fe" minutes' 8d"ard tells me in detail about %is trip to For1s* About %o" %e ran into 8mmett and ?ose at &ea-#ac' about t%eir $i)in$ %im a ride' about %o" %e stared t%e t"o p%otos 'd sent "%ile t%ey dro)e' and t%en t%at %e entered %is parents' %ouse and o)er%eard %is fat%er on t%e p%one "it% Liam* Due to my curiosity' "e $et sidetrac1ed "%en as1 about t%e s%it t%at $re" up in a lo)in$

en)ironment,8d"ard didn't* &pea1in$ "it% %is fists came before anyt%in$

"ent do"n "it% t%at man,Carlisle's .piece on t%e side. for t%irteen years* And 8d"ard di)ul$es t%at Liam apparently "anted t%em to be a couple out

in t%e open* . ne)er met %im'. %e says dryly* . mean' after t%e trut% $ot out* but

did,but ne)er

"as still in reco)ery "%en %e supposedly

t%reatened to ma1e t%eir affair publicly 1no"n* Dad "as ob)iously a"a1e' remember t%at %e %ad so many sur$eries planned' t%at4 Fuc1' don't 1no" all of it* But yea%' Liam )isited Dad "%en %e "as a"a1e' and4. He blo"s out a breat% and t%en $oes on to tell me about Liam,%e snapped* After t%irteen years of promises' %e'd %ad enou$%* Apparently' Carlisle %ad promised %im t%eir affair "as only temporarily a secret' and Liam %ad $one alon$ "it% it for "ay too lon$* .+ne ni$%t' "%ile Dad "as still in t%e %ospital' Liam snuc1 past t%e t"o police officers and s%ot Dad*. And "%en as1 %o" t%e %ell t%at could')e %appened' %e s%ru$s a little and don't 1no"* All 1no" is t%at don!t says' . %a)e no idea' but since Liam "as a doctor' too4maybe %e fa1ed clearance to enter Dad's %ospital room* Dad died and Liam's in prison no"* t%in14. He scratc%es %is fore%ead* .

t%in1 %e $ot t"enty years or somet%in$* #%ere are t%in$s ans"ered*.

understand' but4. He s%ru$s sli$%tly* .(e don!t al"ays $et our 0uestions

nod slo"ly' processin$' and puff out my c%ee1s before e9%alin$* t's all so cra:y* (e sit %ere no"' calm' in t%e middle of no"%ere' %appier' more at ease4but t%e past "e s%are and 8d"ard's entire c%ild%ood,"%at a fuc1in$ train "rec1* As reac% for anot%er can of &prite' 8d"ard returns to our pre)ious %ad $i)en birt% to %is son' and %o" %e t%en contacted a 1no" t%at story* 1no"* ')e %eard it* But not4not once4 %eard shit about %is feelin$s to"ard 1no" our son is

sub2ect* He fills in t%e blan1s about t%e trial' %o" it "as to see me t%ere and 1no" t%at t%erapist* And

not a single "ucking time' %a)e

Nate* 8d"ard tells me t%at %e missed me' t%at %e "is%ed %e could')e been t%e fat%er Nat%an deser)es' but t%at's about it* e)eryt%in$ to 8d"ard today' but "%at about all t%ose years a$o "%en "as sin$le-%andedly raisin$ t%at son of ours/ Did %e lo)e Nat%an t%en' too/

n t%e end'

can't 1eep 0uiet anymore*

can't sit still and listen to %is

stories about %is failed attempts at $oin$ to %is s%rin1* .4%ated myself for %urtin$ t%e only $irl ')e e)er lo)ed*. ma1e a c%o1in$ sound' li1e a stran$led cou$%' and "%ip my %ead to stare at 8d"ard* (%at t%e fuc1 did %e 2ust say/ "onderin$ if %eard %im "ron$* s%a1e my %ead 0uic1ly'

.#%e only $irl you e)er' what/;. He fro"ns' appearin$ to be confused' but t%en %e 2ust loo1s ner)ous* .#%e only $irl ')e e)er lo)ed'. %e says slo"ly' 0uietly' so damn an9iously* . 'm sorry, didn't really mean for it come out t%at "ay*. He pinc%es t%e brid$e of %is nose* .But it's still true* 3ou %a)e no idea %o" muc% %o" in lo-. .No;. cry out and s%oot up from t%e couc%* 'm s%a1in$ my %ead a$ain' can't belie)e t%is* No' no' no' no* can't belie)e it* c%o1e out' %eart poundin$* .No' you still,

eyes "ellin$ up' and

can't belie)e %im* .#oo muc%'.

can't,you can't t%ro" t%at at me' 8d"ard;. He loo1s absolutely crestfallen' "%ic% %urts so fuc1in$ muc%' but no* +%' <od' %o" can %e 2ust brin$ t%is up no"/ He lo%es me/ Has lo)ed me for how lon$/ No* Head s%a1in$ a$ain* disbelief* 'm an$ry' too* .Do you 1no" %o" I %a)e spent t%e past almost "i%e years/. last "ords as friends,who I didn't throw away,but "as4. $rit out t%e pace in front of t%e coffee table' in

point to my c%est* . may %a)e been blessed "it% ama:in$ "as still a sin$le mom at

ei$%teen' 8d"ard* And "%ene)er someone as1ed me "%ere Nate's dad "anna scream' sob' 1ic1 somet%in$* . made up e9cuses for you'. e)er told spit out' and %e flinc%es as if ')e slapped %im* .#%e only ones

t%e entire trut% are >asper' >ada' and t"o t%erapists* 8)eryone else4.

lau$% bitterly* .No one 1ne" t%e only trut% I 1ne","%ic% "as t%at you didn't F6CK N< CA?8;. .#in1s4. He stands up and tries to approac% me* But ta1e a step bac1* .Don't*. clenc% my 2a"' furious* .(e')e barely palm my fore%ead' too

be$un t%is con)ersation' and no" you tell me you lo%e me/ #%at you')e lo)ed me for years/ Are you fuc1in$ insane/;. bac1 in my life for t%ree mont%s*. many emotions sur$in$ t%rou$% me,too many' too 0uic1ly* .3ou')e been e)en %old up t%ree fin$ers for c%o1e on a sob* . can't emp%asis* .#%ree* Fuc1in$* *onths* 3ou can't4. so %ard' and

erase more t%an four years of %atred t%at 0uic1ly* 'm trying, 'm tryin$ definitely don't %ate you no"' 8d"ard4. #ears stream can see t%at my "ords are can't 1eep 0uiet about t%is* ')e been t%ou$%t you didn't do"n my c%ee1s' and 'm not t%e only one* painful for 8d"ard' but

understandin$, do understand,and ')e been cooperati)e and so "illin$' "antin$ Nat%an to %a)e %is dad' but4 .But "ant %im'. cry* .Do you 1no" %o" it is to li)e "it% t%at feelin$/. He

scre"s %is eyes s%ut as %e cries' too* .+r t%e first time our son as1ed "%y %e didn't %a)e a dad/ Can you ima$ine %o" muc% my %eart bro1e,%o" dreaded t%e day 'd %a)e to tell %im t%e trut%/ hat his own "ather didn't want him*. As it %appened' "on't %a)e to tell %im t%e trut%* f Nate finds out one

day' it "ill be because of 8d"ard tellin$ %im* #%at's fine by me' but "ould ne)er be able to ta1e it alone* Not no" "%en 8d"ard's actually in our li)es* .3ou could')e fuc1in$ called;. t%e most' to* scream* Feelin$ di::y' collapse do"n in loat%ed 8d"ard didn't %a)e didn't

one of t%e recliners and sob into my %ands* 8)en "%en

sat do"n and "rote %im t%at letter about Nat%an*

"asn't obli$ated,not after %is reaction to my pre$nancy*

%a)e to send %im p%otos' eit%er*

. 'm sorry*. He's close' %esitant to touc% me* 'm not sure "%at No' sorry'. %e croa1s' and . 1no"'.

"ant*

1no"* 'm fuc1in$ ac%in$ for %im' but 'm still so torn* .#in1s, 'm so feel %is %ands on my 1nees* . "asn't ready, 4.

$roan t%rou$% my tears and loo1 up* He's ri$%t in front of me' let out a breat% and

1neelin$ on t%e floor* . 1no" you "eren't ready*. enou$%,you %ad my email'.

"ipe my c%ee1s "it% t%e slee)es of my %oodie* .A letter "ould')e been "%imper* .3ou could')e 2ust told me you sniffle* .But pus% "ere tryin$* 3ou didn't e)en %a)e to ma1e any promises*. for"ard* . t%ou$%t you %ated us*. .Ne)er'. %e cries' droppin$ %is c%in to %is c%est* . could ne)er %ate you* lo)e you bot%' baby4. .Ho" "as supposed to 1no"/. "%isper %oarsely* .8)en "%en came to

you %a)e to understand me4. 7y face crumbles once a$ain' but

&eattle for t%e trial4 3ou didn't e)en look at me* And4.

e9%ale %ars%ly*

.3ou')e told me about t%e time you made t%e appointment "it% your first t%erapist* 3ou said you "ere so ready to $et better,so t%at you could contact me* #%en,you s%ould')e sat do"n and "ritten to me then* 1no" you "ere years from bein$ ready' but at t%at point' at least you 1ne" "%at your $oal "as* 3ou "anted to be part of Nat%an's life bac1 t%en' too* But %o" "as supposed to 1no"/.

For a "%ile' %e says not%in$* He "eeps silently' %is fore%ead no" restin$ on my 1nee* . 'm sorry'. %e c%o1es out for t%e milliont% time* be blind not to see %o" sorry %e is* . 'm so sorry* belie)e %im* 'd %a)e to s%ould')e,. He $ulps cup %is c%ee1s and s%ould')e

and loo1s up at me' eyes full of ra" emotion* +%' %e's sorry' all ri$%t* .3ou're ri$%t*. He lets out a s%udderin$ breat% "%en brus% my t%umbs under %is eyes* . s%ould')e contacted you*

let you 1no",at least,"%at my intentions "ere* And 'm so fuc1in$ sorry

for bein$ a co"ard*. He %iccups and co)ers my %ands "it% %is* . 'm sorry*. An out-of-control sob rips t%rou$% my body' and it's filled "it% not%in$ but relief* . s%ould')e contacted you' baby'. %e says a$ain' )oice still so t%ic1* . s%ould')e4. 1eep cryin$' internally t%an1ful for %is admission* so bad* needed to 1no" t%at my an$er "asn't "ron$ly placed or ridiculous or un2ustified* And only 8d"ard could')e $i)en me t%at' and no" t%at %e %as4 (rappin$ %is arms around me' %e comforts me' repeats %is apolo$ies' and lets me clin$ to %im* don't e)en 1no" %o" lon$ "e sit t%ere* #%e only t%in$ 'm a"are of is "%en 8d"ard pic1s me up' ta1es my spot' and t%en sits me do"n on %is lap,side"ays' "it% my le$s %an$in$ off an armrest* 'm too $one to re$ister muc% else' because4because after years of fearin$ t%at my an$er is displaced' it doesn't matter anymore* Not since %e understands me' a$rees "it% me* drift in and out of,"ell' "ouldn't call it consciousness' but4at times needed to %ear t%at

don't %ear muc%@ 'm only a"are of "%at's $oin$ on inside me* #%e sadness* #%e lettin$ $o* #%e relief* But4after se)eral moments' 'm bac1 to listenin$ to %is "%ispers* &oft 1isses in my %air* 7ore apolo$i:es* (ords of comfort* 6ntil %e "%ispers t%is' . did "rite to you' but send t%e letters to you*. At t%at' "as too scared to actually

lift my %ead to face 8d"ard' and %e

"ipes a"ay my tears* . 'm so sorry' Bella*. His pain is still so e)ident* s%a1e my %ead* . t's #in1s* But4"%at about t%ose letters/.

He smiles first' a small but $enuine one' maybe because #in1s* "rote to you* #o Nate' too*

told %im 'm

don't 1no"* And t%en %e sobers and nods minutely* .3ea%, %a)e4. He loo1s up at t%e ceilin$ for a

second' in t%ou$%t* . t%in1 t%ere are about a %undred and fifty of t%em*. .Hundred and4. #%e mout%ed amount dies on my lips* He bobs %is %ead slo"ly and s"allo"s t%ic1ly* .3ou and Nat%an "ere al"ays on my mind* 'm 2ust sorry my t%ou$%ts "ere e9actly*. .3ou4. c%e" on my lip' still astonis%ed by t%e number of letters* .3ou didn't let you 1no" t%at' but4. He releases a s%a1y breat%* . f you "ant' you can read t%em,find out "%at

"ouldn't mind/. .Definitely not* t mi$%t e)en be $ood*. t%in1 a$ree* t "ill $i)e me a "%ole ne" picture of 8d"ard's past four

years or so* . 'm really sorry' #in1s'. %e "%ispers* .About e)eryt%in$*. nod and rest my fore%ead in t%e croo1 of %is nec1* . 1no",me' too*. (e'll need time to process' let t%is sin1 in' and 2ust4t%in1 about e)eryt%in$4but for t%e first time' it feels li1e t%ere's not%in$ in t%e "ay* (e're free to mo)e for"ard' re$ardless of t%e pace "e establis%' and t%is day "on't set us bac1*

Chapter song rying -ot to &o%e $ou by -ickelback 4only makes me lo%e you more/ EPOV 1inda e9pect #in1s to pull a"ay after "e %a)e our tal1' but t%e couple of mont%s t%at follo" pro)e me "ron$* &ince "rote so fuc1in$ many letters all t%ose years a$o' s%e reads t%em one by one and often calls me after"ard* (e spea1 at len$t% o)er t%e p%one' as "ell as "%en "e see eac% ot%er' and not%in$ is i$nored* t's4cleansin$' $uess you could say* &%e ne)er 2ud$es and s%e doesn't e)en made it out ali)e*

pity me* &%e's more concerned and "orried' and s%e %as as1ed me se)eral times %o" t%e %ell 'm 2ust $lad

did' because my life is better no" t%an it's e)er been* +ur bou$%t a

routine is still $oin$ stron$,actually' our routine %as c%an$ed* (e')e added time for me to be in Anc%ora$e* 'Cause t%ree "ee1s a$o' small %ouse on t%e outs1irts of t%e city' and no" "e spend t%e "ee1days in Anc%ora$e and t%e "ee1ends in &terlin$* And since money's not an issue' ')e been able to build a "or1s%op in my bac1yard in Anc%ora$e' too* (ell' t%e "or1s%op isn't ready yet' but it "ill be soon* All t%is means $et to see Nat%an e)ery day@ ')e e)en spent se)eral

occasions alone "it% %im* t started one day "%en #in1s %ad to "or1 late'

and instead of callin$ >ada to pic1 up Nate' myself* Luc1ily' t%ou$%'

"as close enou$% to do it "as

didn't %a)e to let my son suffer my less-t%an-

stellar coo1in$ s1ills* #in1s 2ust $a)e me a 1ey to t%eir place' and able to pic1 up lefto)ers t%at s%e al"ays 1eeps in %er free:er*

'm actually at my ne" %ouse ri$%t no"' "aitin$ for Nate to finis% %is day at presc%ool so can pic1 %im up* 8mmett's %ere' too' %a)in$ %elped me settle in o)er t%e past fe" "ee1s* His turn is comin$ up ne9t mont% "%en %e mo)es into %is o"n apartment %ere in Anc%ora$e* Aside from a fe" trips to For1s "%ere %e's $ettin$ ready to sell %is diner' %e's a permanent fi9ture in our li)es* Not so muc% in ?osalie's* (%ile %e did for$i)e %er for runnin$ out on t%eir "eddin$' %e's %ad plenty of time to t%in1 t%in$s t%rou$%' and %e doesn't see "%at %e once did* He says t%ey "ant different t%in$s* ?osalie doesn't "ant t%e small-to"n life@ s%e doesn't "ant .remote. or .isolated.* (%ic% s%e says Alas1a is* &o4t%ere "as really no point in tryin$* #o be %onest' 8mmett %asn't spo1en a lot about it' but %appy "it% %is decision* He 1no"s "%ere %e's at no" in %is life* He %as $oals' plans' and no doubts* #ood "or him. "is% could say t%e same for myself* still "is% 1ne" "%at #in1s' t%ou$%ts "ant can see t%at %e's

'm tryin$ not to be $reedy' but are* &%e 1no"s e)eryt%in$ "it% %er,but t%e same* Not t%at

lo)e %er,t%at 'm in lo)e "it% %er' t%at

%a)e no idea "%et%er or not s%e can e)er feel

don't understand %er %esitance and doubt@

definitely do* ?ecently' For1s,but positi)e* All "%en

told %er

lo)e %er,t%at

e)en lo)ed %er bac1 in

sure as fuc1 ne)er s%o"ed it* And' to be %onest' 'm still not 1no" for sure is t%at reali:ed t%e dept% of my feelin$s

li)ed in &eattle* t's 2ust4 remember %o" s%e became my "orld

so 0uic1ly "%en s%e mo)ed in* only %appened to "anna ruin t%at "orld* t's frustratin$ to be so confused' so 'm $rateful t%e cabin "%ile in Anc%ora$e* still %a)e my t%erapist*

only see %im once a "ee1 no",e)ery Friday@ #in1s and Nate %ead to $o to Kenai for an %our,but no" t%ere's also Lisa* Here spea1 "it% %er once a "ee1' too* &%e's nice* Blunt'

understandin$' strai$%tfor"ard' 1ind* 7ost of all' as 'd stupidly feared' s%e doesn't side "it% #in1s 2ust because s%e'd been %er t%erapist lon$er* >ust last "ee1' Lisa put my stru$$les in a $ood perspecti)e* .3ou')e %ad more t%an four years of preparin$ yourself for t%is'. s%e'd told me* .3ou ne)er %ated Bella' ne)er %eld a $rud$e' and you %ad time to let your feelin$s $ro"' mature' and turn into more* &%e's only %ad a fe" mont%s* 5lus' s%e's literally $ettin$ to 1no" a ne" man' 8d"ard* 3ou aren't t%e boy you once "ere' and Bella needs time to catc% up*. Lisa's ri$%t* t's not "eird t%at 'm se)eral pa$es a%ead* ')e %ad time t%at #in1s %asn't* Any"ay4 No matter %o" muc% as fore)er* &ince "e %ad t%at tal1 in my cabin' ')e focused on t%e important t%in$s, bein$ %er friend' bein$ Nate's dad' continuin$ to build up my life4 Basically' ')e fou$%t to not let my romantic feelin$s for #in1s s%o"* #%e felt in t%e past or "%en "is% started feelin$ it' lo)e #in1s as

lo)e Nat%an' and

1ne" if my feelin$s "ill $o unre0uited

only problem is t%at it's made me fall %arder' deeper* t's no" close to impossible to %u$ %er and not snea1 in a fuc1in$ 1iss or somet%in$* And t%at's t%e t%in$: s%e's %asn't bac1ed off at all "%en it comes to affection* &%e's e)en admitted t%at s%e feels lonely* &%e needs closeness as muc% as do' t%in1* &o' "e're usually )ery close* 8specially after Nate's $one to bed* (e drin1 coffee' "atc% mo)ies' tal14and t%e constant touc%in$ is still t%ere,dri)in$ me insane* don't 1no"* t's all up in t%e air* 1no" s%e needs time' t%ou$%' so it's not li1e 'm $oin$ to pressure %er* &%e %asn't e)en read all t%e letters yet* #%at s%it ta1es time* 'm not sure could e)er $o t%rou$% t%em a$ain* "as in a too-dar1 place bac1 t%en*

=C38= .Daddy;. $rin and scoop %im up* .Hey' buddy*. (e 8s1imo eac% ot%er' 'cause "e're cool li1e t%at* .Ho" "as sc%ool/. .<ood* 7iss C%elsea say bac1pac1*. c%uc1le* . bet it's a"esome as al"ays*. He lo)es to dra"@ ob)iously "ants to say somet%in$' .7r* Cullen' %a)e a dra"ed,dre"ed t%e best picture'. %e

announces proudly 2ust as %is teac%er 2oins us in t%e %all"ay* . t's in my

"%ole "all at t%e %ouse full of %is art "or1* Noticin$ t%at Nate's teac%er loo1 up "it% a polite smile*

2ust "anted to remind you of t%e field trip "e're $oin$ on

tomorro"'. s%e says 1indly* nod' 1no"in$ all about it* Nate's class is $oin$ to t%e Alas1a Hoo %ere in Anc%ora$e tomorro"* .Bella %as a staff meetin$ at ei$%t' so 'll drop %im off %ere at N:CO'. reply* . 'll brin$ t%e snac1s' too*. 7uc% to my dismay'

t%e $a:illion c%ocolate c%ip coo1ies #in1s made yesterday are for Nate's class* Not for me* .89cellent'. s%e says' smilin$ "idely* .5lease t%an1 Bella from me a$ain' "ill you/. .(ill do*. A fe" minutes later' 'm %elpin$ Nat%an into my ?o)er as one of t%e parents approac%es* 7artin's mot%er' easy for me' but t%in1* A blonde in %er early t%irties* Nate %as loads of friends' and rememberin$ t%eir names isn't do remember a 7artin*

.7r* Cullen/. s%e in0uires' %er name failin$ me* .3ea%/. turn to %er fully after ma1in$ sure Nate's buc1led in in %is car

seat* .(%at's up/. .+%' "as 2ust "onderin$4. &%e fid$ets "it% t%e strap of %er purse* 7y "onder "%y s%e loo1s so uncomfortable* +r s%y*

eyebro"s rise' and

don't fuc1in$ 1no"' but it'd be nice if s%e could 2ust spit it out* .Are,are you by any c%ance sin$le/. Well, "uck. .6%4. . f you are' , "as "onderin$ if you'd li1e to $o on a date some time/. s%e as1s ner)ously* si$% internally* n t%e past' "ould')e lau$%ed and said somet%in$ rude* offer a ti$%t-lipped smile* . 'm

But 'm not t%at idiot anymore* .&orry*.

not a)ailable*. &in$le' sure' but a)ailable' no* .+%' o1ay*. &%e %ides %er disappointment 0uic1ly and "is%es me a $ood day before "al1in$ a"ay*

.(%atsa sin$le' Daddy/. #reat. s%a1e my %ead' a little amused* . t's a CD "it% only one son$*. 'm so bad* Closin$ %is door' "al1 around t%e car and $et in be%ind t%e "%eel* put on my seat .?eady to see 7ommy/. #%e en$ine purrs to life' and

belt* .&%e's "or1in$ late so s%e "anted us to stop by and )isit*. . li1e it t%ere lots'. %e says fran1ly as or 7ary al"ays $ots candy*. lau$%' and can't %elp but t%in14like "ather, like son* .Candy roc1s'. pull out of t%e par1in$ lot* .Lisa

a$ree* Alt%ou$%' 'm more into coo1ies and ca1e t%an candy* #%e ride o)er to (%itloc1 House only ta1es a fe" minutes' so it's not lon$ until par1 my car bet"een >asper's truc1 and #in1s' &6V* see t%at >ada's mini)an is %ere' too' so assume s%e's also %ere to )isit* &ince s%e

only "or1s part-time o)er at t%e %ospital' s%e often comes in "it% +li)ia and 7adison "%en >asper's "or1in$ late* .Can ride on your s%oulders/. Nate as1s as %elp %im out of t%e car*

.7ommy say 'm too %ea)y*. .3ou $ot it'. c%uc1le' and once ')e loc1ed t%e car' pic1 %im up and $runt* .3ou're a

position %im on my s%oulders* .>esus' 7ommy's ri$%t'. bi$ boy' Nate*.

.Li1e a $ro"n-up/. He lets out a $i$$le and $rabs t"o fistfuls of my %air* Luc1ily' %e 1eeps t%e $rip li$%t* . "anna be bi$$est;. .8n2oy bein$ a 1id' baby*. enter' lau$% and open t%e door to (%itloc1* As

duc1 my %ead to ma1e sure Nate doesn't ban$ %is %ead* mumble under my breat%* At t%e des1' see 7ary* met

"ouldn't "anna ta1e that to #in1s* .3ou're already $ro"in$ up too 0uic1ly for my li1in$'.

%er a fe" "ee1s a$o for t%e first time "%en 8mmett and

arri)ed %ere in

to"n "it% my first truc1load of stuff for t%e ne" %ouse* And 'm pretty sure some "eird moment passed bet"een 8m and %er,tal1 about a"1"ard on my part' but "%ate)er* .Hey' is Bella busy/. .+% %ey' $uys'. s%e $reets' smilin$ up at Nat%an* .(o"' you're really up %i$%' s"eetie*. . 'm t%e biggest'. %e ans"ers* &%e c%uc1les and faces me a$ain* .Bella's in %er office preparin$ for tomorro"*. .#omorro"/. t%e side* tilt my %ead' "%ic% causes Nate to s0ueal "%en %e leans to

ri$%t %im 0uic1ly' t%ou$%*

7ary nods* .#%e ne" a$$ression t%erapy Lisa's introducin$,t%at's tomorro"*. A%' ri$%t* #in1s told me about it after sa" t%e bo9in$ $lo)es on %er

1itc%en table a fe" days a$o* &ome 1ic1bo9in$ instructor is comin$ %ere tomorro"' and t%e "omen li)in$ %ere are $onna try to learn %o" to c%annel t%eir an$er,t%e an$er t%ey feel to"ard t%eir e9-%usbands' e9boyfriends' and so on* #in1s also told me t%at >asper %ad purc%ased fourteen punc%in$ ba$s,one of "%ic% #in1s no" %as at %ome' too* #%rou$% donations' t%ey')e been able to turn t%e basement into a $ym* .7aybe s%e's too busy-. &%e cuts me off* .&%e's e9pectin$ you* n fact' s%e ran >asper and >ada outta t%e office* #%ey're upstairs*. &%e smiles* .+%' and s%e said somet%in$ about muffins/.

Fuc1 yea%* .&ee ya later' t%en*. office* Knoc1in$ once' a$ain* And

ma1e a beeline for #in1s and >asper's do' duc1in$ my %ead

%ear %er say .come in.' so

smell it4t%em4somet%in$* .(%at're you %idin$/.

&%e $rins' sittin$ be%ind %er des1* .(%atta $reetin$*. (%en s%e stretc%es %er arms abo)e %er %ead' %er snu$ t-s%irt rides up' re)ealin$ a $limpse of %er stomac%* -ot what I need. (earin$ a s%eepis% smile' let Nate do"n onto t%e floor* .&orry' but 1no" t%ey

somet%in$ smells delicious in %ere*. +ur son %as also pic1ed up t%e scent' so %e runs to"ard #in1s' des1* .3ou')e been ba1in$ today/. do t%at %ere sometimes* .3ep'. s%e says and re)eals a plate of muffins from a side table be%ind t%e des1* . fi$ured you t"o "ould "ant a fe"*. .<ood call*. it/. Not t%at "al1 for"ard and $rab one' $i)in$ it a lon$ sniff* .(%at's in really care@ 'm already stuffin$ it into my mout%* .>efuf

C%rift*. #%at's $ood s%it* .Don't tal1 "it% your mout% full'. s%e scolds playfully* c%e" and s"allo" and mumble a sorry before ta1in$ my ne9t bite* #%en it's more c%e"in$ and s"allo"in$ before (antin$ to $et comfortable' $ood'. say' .3ou're an an$el' s"ear*. sit do"n on t%e couc% a fe" feet a"ay* .&o

$roan* #%e muffins4s%e's $otta ma1e t%em a$ain* Loo1s li1e an

ordinary' plain4muffin4but it's not* #%ere's somet%in$ in it* And t%ere's icin$,li1e' in the "ucking middle* A man's %ea)en* f only #in1s "ere na1ed* And' u%' Nate "asn't ri$%t in t%is room* . t's not that special*. &%e $rimaces at our manners' t%in1' 'cause "e're %a)en't

bot% stuffin$ our faces* Nate's a$e is %is e9cuse@ t%e fact t%at

eaten since brea1fast is mine* .+atmeal muffins "it% %oney and bananas4 buttercream fillin$,<od' you're bot% pi$s*. &%e lau$%s and loo1s a"ay* #"o minutes later' ')e de)oured t"o and Nat%an's finis%in$ %is first* .#%an1 you'. rub my belly' .t%at "as fu,ama:in$*. <ood sa)e*

.Nice*. &%e smir1s at me before loo1in$ do"n at Nate* .Honey' "%y don't you as1 7ary for some mil1,Daddy and about*. Nate flees at t%e "ord .borin$.* (%at 1id "ouldn't/ I wish I was a kid. .Borin$ stuff/. as1' scrunc%in$ my nose* 2ust don't "ant Nate %ere for "ant %a)e some borin$ stuff to tal1

&%e s%a1es %er %ead and snic1ers* .No'

"%at 'm about to say*. 7y bro"s rise at t%at' and 'm suddenly a little ner)ous* . n about a mont%' it's >une t"entiet%*. 5ointed loo1' and to "%ine li1e a bitc%* .&omeone's turnin$ t"enty-t%ree'. s%e sin$s* $roan and lean for"ard' restin$ my elbo"s on my 1nees* .No fuc1in$ party' #in1s* &eriously*. &%e $i)es me a loo1* . f you "ant' decide for you*. Hell no; Nate "ill order us to %a)e a massi)e costume party,some s%it li1e t%at* And t%at's only o1ay if you're turnin$ fi)e* Not t"enty-t%ree* .Duiet dinner'. say' ready to bar$ain* can call our son bac1 in %ere and %e'll

.Fun barbecue'. s%e s%oots bac1*

.Iuiet barbecue*. .#%ere's no suc% t%in$ as a 0uiet barbecue* Be real*. Leanin$ bac1 in my seat a$ain' barbecue' t%en*. .7edium-si:ed*. coc1 a bro"* .(%o're "e $onna in)ite' anyway/. .3ou' me' Nate' >asper' >ada' +li)ia' 7adison' 7ary' Lisa' 8mmett' 5eter' C%arlotte-. stop %er t%ere* .5eter and C%arlotte are in t%e middle of t%eir mo)e*. 3ea%' t%ey're to$et%er a$ain' and t%ey're mo)in$ to Ne" 3or1* .And'. lo"er my )oice' . barely 1no" t%ese people' 'ella* (%y don't "e 2ust stic1 to t%e t%ree of us and 8mmett/. Admittedly' >ada %as "armed up to me' but 'm not t%e most social $uy in t%e "orld* 'm more t%an content to %a)e ac9uaintances* 'm close to 8mmett' and ')e started tal1in$ a bit more to 5ete a$ain,o)er t%e p%one ,but t%e rest4 'm not loo1in$ for friends* All .7ore people means more $ifts*. &%e pouts* can only lau$% at %er* &%e's too fuc1in$ cute* .&ince "%en do you,or ' for t%at fuc1in$ matter,care about $ifts/. &%e s%ru$s* .3ou deser)e it after e)eryt%in$ you')e done for us %ere*. +%* ?i$%t* #%at* #%e ma2ority of t%e money for t%e ne" $ym %ere may or may not come from me* "ant is my family* fold my arms o)er my c%est* . !mall

(%ate)er* t's not li1e .3ou "anna 1no" "%at

need it all* "ant more t%an anyt%in$/. point to %er* .3ou coo1*. as1 0uietly'

seriously* &%e nods 0uic1ly' and 2ust you' me' and Nat%an*.

ta1e a breat%* . "ant a nice dinner,

#%at last one definitely li$%tens t%e tension* .Fine,you $et your "is%'. s%e $i$$les' causin$ me to smile* .#%e cabin/. really %a)in$ a preference* All ta1e care of it* But you $otta tell me "%at .No $ifts*. . 'm not $onna bud$e'. s%e says flatly* si$% really fuc1in$ %ea)ily* #%is "oman4 .Nate can $i)e me a picture*. &%e ma1es a fartin$ noise and $i)es me t"o t%umbs do"n* .Borin$* mean4not borin$' but4u$%; 3ou'll $et t%at' too' but "%at about me/ 'm not $onna dra" you a picture' Cullen*. purse my lips* .Nec1lace made outta pasta/. . s"ear to <od;. &%e actually pic1s up %er stapler* .+1ay;. 1no";. #%e pout appears a$ain* .3ou %a)e to* 5lease/ >ust4ma1e a "is%*. 7y amusement is pretty $one "it% t%at re0uest' and "it% my ne9t "ords* .3ou already 1no" "%at "ant'. "%isper* can't %elp myself lau$%' %oldin$ up my %ands in surrender* .Fuc1' %oney' don't s%ru$ and %alf-nod' not care about is t%e company* .+1ay* 'll can $et you*.

89pectin$ %er to stiffen or crin$e' 'm more t%an a little surprised "%en %er $a:e softens and a small smile tu$s at %er mout%* . do 1no"' yea%*. &%e e9%ales* .But' um' is t%ere anyt%in$ else/ Besides4t%at/. stare at %er* stare some more* Frustration "ells up inside me' and %er already; .&urprise me'. si$%' s%ru$$in$* "is%4 "is% could 2ust fuc1in$ read

Narro"in$ %er eyes at me' it's %er turn to stare* Don't as1 me "%at s%e's loo1in$ for* 'm an open boo1* . read anot%er letter t%is mornin$'. s%e says suddenly' %er )oice soft* tilt my %ead* .3ea%/. .3ea%*. &%e nods "it% a dip of %er c%in* . t "as one of your fantasy letters*. At t%at' can't %elp but crin$e a little* Loo1in$ do"n' remember t%ose

letters* About t"enty of 'em'

t%in1* #"enty letters t%at started "it%' )I" I

hadn't pushed you away, destroyed you, maybe I would ha%e/) And t%en $o on "it% a scenario ')e "is%ed for* Datin$ #in1s' ta1in$ Nat%an to 7cDonald's' spendin$ la:y &unday mornin$s "it% t%em in bed' pic1in$ out a C%ristmas tree as a family4 &tuff li1e t%at* #%in$s o"n family* #%in$s,ordinary' e)eryday t%in$s,t%at for $ranted* ne)er %ad "it% my "ould ne)er ta1e

.3ou described a day "%ere you too1 Nat%an to a toy store'. s%e says 0uietly* 8yes still do"ncast' (%en "as a 1id' nod* remember t%e letter' ob)iously*

"anted t%is cool little tool bo9 for c%ildren* But Dad

steered me in anot%er direction,to"ard t%e medical 1it for 1ids* He didn't care t%at to #in1s' "anted a %ammer instead of a stet%oscope* &o4in t%at letter "rote about lettin$ Nat%an pic1 %is o"n pat%* #%ere's no "ay

'd e)er 2ud$e %im' t%in1 too little of %im' or try to c%an$e %is mind* 'm too deep in t%ou$%t to reali:e t%at #in1s is approac%in$,until s%e's ri$%t in front of me* . t's "eird'. s%e murmurs' straddlin$ me on t%e couc%' and man you')e become*. can no

lon$er form "ords* .?eadin$ about your past %elps me $et to 1no" t%e s"allo"' not 1no"in$ "%at s%e's doin$@ mean"%ile' s%e 2ust sits t%ere* &traddlin$ me' "atc%in$ me pensi)ely' %ands on my s%oulders* .3ou're ama:in$,you 1no" t%at/. let out a breat% but say not%in$* .Can see your tattoo a$ain/. nod and un:ip my %oodie* pull up my tdon't t%in1 can*

don't understand s%it' but

s%irt ne9t' re)ealin$ t%e in1 on my ribca$e* &%e %ums and stares at it* Her inde9 fin$er li$%tly traces t%e lines* At t%e same time' 1eep studyin$ %er' %opin$ for a miracle,%opin$ can

$et a $limpse of "%at's $oin$ on inside t%at %ead of %ers* A s%i)er runs t%rou$% me "%en s%e brus%es t%e tip of %er fin$er o)er t%e 5eter 5an 0uote* ) o li%e will be an aw"ully big ad%enture.)

#in1s mout%s t%e "ords* .Ha)e you started yet/. &%e loo1s to me* .Ha)e you started to li)e/. .3es'. "%isper' not missin$ a beat* t%in1 started li)in$ t%e second too1 t%e add to

first step to"ard reco)ery* And

1no" no" "%y #in1s %as my

tattoo on %er mind* Because t%ere's anot%er fantasy letter "%ere you/.

t%e in1* Anot%er little person* A son or a dau$%ter* .Did t%e letter offend

&%e 1no"s "%at 'm as1in$* .No*. &%e smiles softly' eyes on t%e tattoo a$ain* . t's a beautiful dream* 3our letters are beautiful' period* Heartbrea1in$' but4so %onest* 8ye-openin$*. . %a)e not%in$ to %ide'. murmur*

.(%ic% ma1es it easier for me to let $o,for$i)e and mo)e for"ard*. &%e $i)es me anot%er smile* 7y %eart is stuc1 in my fuc1in$ t%roat* .Can trust you' 8d"ard/. ans"er ri$%t a"ay* .3ou 1no" you can*. Bella &"an is a smart "oman* &%e "ouldn't be on my lap if s%e couldn't trust me* don't t%in1 s%e doubts me anymore' eit%er* t's %er o"n feelin$s s%e needs to sort out' re$ardless of "%at t%ose feelin$s are* &ettle' come to terms "it%' embrace' or i$nore, don't fuc1in$ 1no"* All do 1no" is t%at it's not my feelin$s s%e's confused o)er* 7y cards are on t%e table* . 'm scared'. s%e admits' droppin$ %er fore%ead to mine* n my ears' can %ear my o"n %eartbeat* +r pulse* (%ate)er it is* a$ain* . "ouldn't %urt you a$ain'. <od' does* .3ou,you're4. "%isper in a rus%' my stomac% droppin$* %a)e to s"allo"

%ope s%e doesn't fear t%at* #%en a$ain' it's understandable if s%e s"allo"' ton$ue-tied* .3ou and Nat%an' you're place

e)eryt%in$ to me*. &%e needs to see t%at' 1no" t%at* #entati)ely'

my %ands on %er %ips* . "on't pressure you into somet%in$ you don't "ant' but4. you' t%at bite my lip' not %a)in$ planned to admit all of t%is* But no" don't "ant don't can't do t%at' #in1s* can't pretend can't see a reason "%y s%e can't 1no"* .5retendin$ t%at don't lo)e you/

need you' eit%er*. (%en s%e closes %er eyes' t%e 1not in my $ut $ro"s lar$er' %ea)ier* .But if you "ant me to be your friend, 'll be t%ere* Anyt%in$ you "ant* 'Cause4. %ere'. blo" out a breat%' feelin$ %er fin$ers could e)er %ope for rubbin$ small circles on my nec1* . 'm countin$ my fuc1in$ blessin$s c%uc1le 0uietly* .3ou')e $i)en me more t%an ,"ell' in t%e be$innin$' any"ay*. touc% %er c%ee1' causin$ %er eyes to

open a$ain* .3ou 1inda ma1e it difficult to not "ant more' you 1no"*. A miniscule smile plays on %er lips* .3ou 1inda too1 t%e "ords out of my mout%' you 1no"*. 7y bro"s 1nit to$et%er* 8it%er s%e's bein$ cryptic' or 'm fuc1in$ stupid* .7eanin$/. 7y )oice crac1s as if 'm some pubescent teena$er* >esus fuc1in$ C%rist' can't catc% a brea1/ "an-.

.7eanin$ 'm already pretty sure of "%at

could scream "%en t%e door opens and Nate pops %is %ead in' a toot%y $rin on %is face* .Hi;. He runs o)er to us and 2umps up on t%e couc%* .Loo1 "%at Lisa $otted me at t%e store;. He s%o)es a piece of c%ocolate in #in1s' face' and "e bot% brea1 apart a little* .&'my fa)orite;. .6m' did you t%an1 %er' baby/. #in1s as1s' runnin$ a %and t%rou$% %er %air* &%e loo1s as flustered as %er*. . did'. %e $i$$les' "earin$ a silly smile* .+li)ia also $ots some*. feel* .7aybe you s%ould $o and t%an1

.3ou need to "as% your %ands' buddy'. c%ocolaty fin$ers* #in1s and

blurt out and point at %is

suc1' but come on* 'm dying to find out "%at s%e "as about

to say "%en Nate bar$ed in* . "ill "%en 'm done'. %e says' $ettin$ comfortable on t%e couc%* He munc%es %appily on %is c%ocolate as #in1s and he's not going anywhere. (e si$% at t%e same time' "%ic% brea1s t%e tension' and "e lau$% a little* .Hey' Nat%an/. #in1s c%uc1les* .6m' Daddy and outside for a minute' o1ay/. .+1ay'. %e says' s%ru$$in$* <ettin$ off my lap' #in1s $rabs my %and and us%ers me out t%e door' pausin$ at t%e front des1 to as1 7ary to 2ust 1eep an eye on Nate for a moment* &%e nods and %eads strai$%t for t%e office "%ile #in1s and outside* .Can you fuc1in$ tell me no"/. amusement* t%in1 plead' t%ou$% fail at %idin$ my $o are 2ust $onna $o e9c%an$e a loo1 sayin$4

$et it no" "%en #in1s says t%at sometimes' you

"ant a fe" minutes a"ay from t%e 1iddos in your life* As #in1s seems to t%in1 about %er "ords' Nate' and a)oid smo1in$ as muc% as can't 0uit cold-fuc1in$-tur1ey* :ip up my %oodie a$ain and

pull out my smo1es to li$%t one up* &ince 'm spendin$ t%e ni$%t "it% can* &till' ?ome "asn't built in a day'

.3our letters,t%ey')e opened my eyes'. s%e says' loo1in$ up at me* (%en notice %er %u$$in$ %erself' un:ip my %oodie once more and ta1e place it around %er s%oulders* it off* .#%an1 you*. &%e smiles softly as

2ust s%ru$ in response* t's "ay too bi$ on %er' but seein$ %er in my

clot%es/ 1esus* . %a)e about forty-fi)e letters left' and4%o" lon$ %as passed,since "e tal1ed in your cabin/ #"o mont%s/.P &i9ty-t%ree days' but "%o's countin$/ .3ea%' somet%in$ li1e t%at*. my face and e9%ale some smo1e* &%e nods* .#%at's rou$%ly fifty letters a mont%* 6m' need4. &%e puffs out %er $uess* tilt up

c%ee1s' slo"ly releasin$ a breat%* . need anot%er mont% t%en' %ead* #a1in$ a step for"ard'

tal1 to Lisa a lot,maybe too muc%'. s%e c%uc1les and duc1s %er $rasp %er pin1y and $i)e it a s0uee:e* #ime 1no" s%e's referrin$ to

, %a)e time* &%e can %a)e as muc% as s%e "ants* .&ame $oes for t%e tal1s "it% you'. s%e "%ispers' loo1in$ up a$ain* t%at letter is particularly %orrible* . ' u%' i$nore anyt%in$*. . a$ree'. murmur' tuc1in$ a piece of %air be%ind %er ear* t%e tal1s "e %a)e after s%e's read somet%in$ ne"' especially if t%e topic of t%in1 it's important "e don't

&%e's so fuc1in$ beautiful* &%e offers a 0uic1 smile* .<od' you ma1e t%is so difficult*. &%e palms %er face' and fro"n' a bit t%ro"n off by t%e sudden s%ift in %er demeanor* .&top loo1in$ at me li1e t%at*. 7y fro"n deepens* . can't read your mind' %oney* Ho" do loo1 at you/.

&%e actually "%ines and playfully slaps my c%est' but t%en s%e closes t%e distance and %u$s my midsection so ti$%tly* Whiplash, anyone( As ta1e a final pull from my smo1e' s%e peers up at me pensi)ely* s%a1e my %ead in "onder put out t%e smo1e

$otta smile* .(%at are you searc%in$ for/.

and brea1 a"ay from %er for 2ust a minute* Ne9t'

a$ainst t%e underside of my boot before al"ays loo1 so t%ou$%tful*.

stic1 t%e butt in t%e pac1* #%en

"rap my arms around %er s%oulders a$ain and "ait for %er ans"er* .3ou

&%e %ums* .#%ere's a lot $oin$ on in t%is no$$in'*. arc% a bro"' s"ayin$ us a little* .Care to s%are "it% t%e class/. .Let's 2ust say ')e $ot an 8d"ard Cullen on my mind a lot lately*. &%e snorts a $i$$le* .Anyt%in$*. &%e c%e"s on %er lip* Distracting* .Kiss me/. "on't lie,my breat% fuc1in$ stutters* .A "irst 1iss'. s%e says' softly but so implorin$ly t%at first date 'd ta1e %er on if %ad t%e c%ance* can't say 'm understand s%e %as describe t%e $rin* .Can as1 you somet%in$/.

anot%er letter flyin$ around in %er %ead,t%e letter "%ere

t "ouldn't be somet%in$ c%eesy* 'm not li1e t%at' and 8d"ard* Bac1 "%en

)ery romantic* At least not if you're into t%e classics* 'm a totally different

"rote t%e letter' it loo1ed a little different' but if

"as $i)en

t%e same option no"4 A date "it% #in1s4 'd ta1e o)er for an e)enin$* 'd do t%e coo1in$ and probably fail* And t%en "e'd eat t%e $rilled sand"ic%es actually 1no" "ould 1no" %o" %o" to ma1e no",t%an1s to #in1s teac%in$ me* (e "ould tal1 and $et silly* 7aybe 'd $i)e %er somet%in$ ')e created, don't 1no"* mo)ie in t%e DVD player* "ould pamper %er in t%e only "ays ma1e sure to %a)e %er fa)orite snac1s on t%e coffee table and %er fa)orite

,by $i)in$ attention and affection* (%ic% %appens to be t%e opposite of "%at $re" up "it%* $au$e %er

#%e tip of my ton$ue darts out to "et my bottom lip as reaction* As far as can tell' s%e's serious' and %ope slo"ly* A first 1iss' s%e as1ed for* "on't fuc1 up*

lo"er my mout% to %ers

Brus%in$ my lips a$ainst %ers' once' t"ice' add a little pressure as and s%it li1e t%at* Kissin$ Bella means

start t%e 1iss softly* #%en

force myself to e9%ale* 'Cause breat%in$ is )ital $otta remind myself of somet%in$

as natural as breat%in$* #%at's4messed up' 'm t%in1in$* (%en s%e lets out a tiny little "%imper' sli$%tly* For a second' care' so4 .Baby'. "%isper a$ainst %er lips* breat%e %er in and slo"ly s"ipe t%e $ently cup %er c%ee1s and part my lips

"orry about my breat%' but #in1s doesn't seem to

tip of my ton$ue across %er upper lip* Closin$ my o"n lips o)er it' &%e also ti$%tens %er %old on my "aist* 8yes closed' easily tune out t%e rest of t%e "orld* 1iss %er*

suc1 it into my mout%* 7ean"%ile' s%e does t%e same to my bottom lip*

1iss %er

passionately' deeply' ma1in$ s%it clear*

"ant %er' but

"on't $et

presumptuous* 5resumptions don't belon$ on a first date' ri$%t/ .8d"ard'. s%e moans 0uietly in my mout%* ime to end it, man. As slo"ly as be$an t%e 1iss' end it* &oft pec1s "%ile brus% my

t%umbs o)er %er c%ee1s* .#%at4. breat%e %ea)ily and s"allo" %ard' our noses touc%in$* .#%at

s%ould')e been our first 1iss*.

.3ea%'. s%e e9%ales and drops %er fore%ead to my collarbone* .#%at "as, yea%*. smile and 1iss %er on t%e fore%ead* .6m' 4. &%e ta1es a step bac1' c%ee1s tinted a little red' and points to"ard t%e door* .6nfortunately' session*. nod' no" understandin$ t%at it's time s%e needs* needs to let t%is settle in* #%at our attraction is mutual is somet%in$ ')e 1no"n for a lon$ time' but it's "%at $oes beyond t%at4 . 'm $onna $o' too'. before say* . t%in1 Nate needs to run all t%at su$ar off mean4pri)acy* &%e %a)e to be t%ere for Lisa's ne9t

e)en attempt to $i)e %im dinner*.

.3ou're most definitely ri$%t'. s%e c%uc1les* .By t%e "ay' is %e spendin$ t%e ni$%t/. . don't mind,you 1no" t%at'. reply' lea)in$ it up to %er* (it% #in1s

"or1in$ late and our plan to %a)e me dri)e Nate to presc%ool tomorro"' it's probably easier if %e 2ust stays* He %as clot%es and e)eryt%in$ %e needs at my place' any"ay* .Can you stop by at my apartment tomorro" and $et t%e coo1ies for t%e field trip/ +r you could dri)e o)er t%ere no" before you $o %ome*. .+f course*. pause* . f can %a)e at least one*.

&%e $rins and s%a1es %er %ead at me* .+%' Cullen*. 3ea%' 'm not bud$in$* .+%' &"an'. deadpan*

.Fine;. s%e lau$%s and opens t%e door to (%itloc1* . f you're nice' you can e)en ta1e t"o*. Her eyes "iden in moc1-e9citement* .3ou're funny'. ta1in$ t"o*. 7aybe e)en t%ree* fuc1in$ t%in$* 'm a $enius* Hell' 'm ta1in$ a %andful* .#%ere you are;. 7ary $roans' lau$%in$ at t%e same time* &%e's be%ind t%e des1' and Nat%an is sittin$ on top of it' "it% 7ary's %ands ma1in$ sure %e sits still* .3our son as1ed me "%at a date is, %a)e no idea "%at to tell %im*. &%e faces Nate and says' .<o* As1 7ommy and Daddy*. #in1s c%uc1les and pic1s %im up* .A date/ (%ere did you %ear t%at "ord' baby/. 1inda "ant to 1no"' too* (%en Nate points at me' to Daddy*. +%' shit* !hit, shit, shit. Loo1in$ at #in1s' 'm met "it% a raised eyebro"* Let's repeat: !hit, shit, shit. .6%4. clear my t%roat and c%uc1le' ner)ous for no reason* At least mean' it's not li1e ')e done somet%in$ $et confused as %ell* .7artin's mommy said it mean' s%e's not $onna be %ome* &%e "on't notice a tell %er' motionin$ for %er to enter first* .And 'm so

don't think t%ere's a reason*

"ron$* ?i$%t/

turned t%e lady do"n; . told %er no;. also said

blurt out* .&%e fold my

as1ed me out, said no* All ri$%t/

"asn't a)ailable*.

arms o)er my c%est' an attempt at comin$ off as stron$' confident' butc%' and fuc1in$ manly* . 'm innocent %ere' 2ust sayin'*. No"' on t%e ot%er %and/ #in1s 2ust loo1s amused* #%e fuc1/ .Loo1 at you' Cullen'. s%e $i$$les* .&o ner)ous* Nate' isn't Daddy cute/. sco"l* .Cute/. 5lease* #%at's a "ord you use for babies and puppies* &%e pouts and "al1s o)er to pat my c%ee1* .Fine* Handsome* Better/. *eh* .3ou really told %er you're not a)ailable/. s%e "%ispers* 1eep my )oice lo"* .Are you fis%in$ for compliments/ 3ou 1no" 'm only a)ailable for you' #in1s*. .#%at;. &%e points at my face* .#%at ri$%t t%ere,stop sayin$ t%in$s li1e t%at* &ame "it% t%e loo1s* 3ou $otta4u$%;. &%e palms %er face a$ain* #%en s%e pee1s t%rou$% %er fin$ers' definitely catc%in$ t%e smir1 on my face* 'Cause ')e fi$ured it out no"* &eein$ t%at "ant %er so badly said' s%e can messes "it% %er %ead* And since 'm an open boo1' li1e "a)es %erself off* &nic1erin$' %old out my arms for Nat%an* .Come on' baby* Ho" about

ob)iously see it* &%e can see all of it* .C%rist' 2ust4 <o* <o before 4. &%e

"e $o to t%e par1 before dinner' %u%/. .3es;. He t%ro"s %imself at me* .Bye' 7ommy; Bye' 7ary;. He "a)es furiously*

=C38= &ensin$ #a:'s eyes on me' cream' dude'. loo1 do"n to sco"l at %im* . t's my ice

say' t%e sound muffled by t%e spoon in my mout%* But ain't $i)in$ up my

$oddammit' t%e last time %e ate ice cream' %e $ot a serious case of t%e runs* #%an1 <od t%e rain too1 care of t%at* Any"ay' precious mint c%ocolate c%ip $oodness* .<o c%ase a bird or somet%in$*. return to stare at t%e table in t%e middle of my "or1s%op* 8mmett %as decided to open a diner outside of Anc%ora$e after t%e summer near a s1i resort' and %e's $onna call it #%e Lod$e* He "ants a cabin t%eme,a classic %untin$ lod$e* And %e as1ed me to do t%e "ood"or1* #%e counter' t%e tables' t%e c%airs' t%e stools' t%e s%el)in$ system t%at'll $o be%ind said counter4 'm fuc1in$ ecstatic* But ri$%t t%is fuc1in$ minute' 'm dra"in$ a blan1' %ence ta1in$ an ice cream slas% smo1e slas% coffee brea1* t%in1 'm unable to "or1 since 1no" #in1s "ill be %ere any minute*

t's my birt%day on Friday,t"o days from no",and "e decided t%at s%e and Nate "ould dri)e out on Friday mornin$' s1ippin$ bot% "or1 and sc%ool* ')e been %ere at t%e cabin since last ni$%t' 'cause need to lay do"n desi$ns and finis% t%e prototypes for 8mmett* But #in1s called me a little o)er t"o %ours a$o' statin$ t%at s%e %ad somet%in$ important to discuss,somet%in$ t%at e)idently can't "ait* Nate's $onna spend t%e ni$%t "it% >asper and >ada no" instead' and t%en #in1s "ill return to Anc%ora$e tomorro"4and be bac1 "it% Nate on Friday* %a)e no idea "%at could be so fuc1in$ important' but it %as left can't "or1 because of it* me a ner)ous $oddamn mess and no"

try to rac1 my brain for an ans"er' but

come up "it% nada* #%e last

fe" "ee1s %a)e been calm* #in1s still calls me at ni$%t' unless "e're to$et%er' and my tal1s "it% my t%erapists are fine' too* 8mmett's fine' t%in1in$ about as1in$ 7ary out' and spo1e to %im t%is mornin$' so it can't be anyt%in$ t%at concerns %im* 5ete and C%arlotte %a)e settled in t%eir apartment in Ne" 3or1,fine t%ere' as "ell* And Nate is as perfect as al"ays* &o' "%at t%e fuc1 could it be/ s%o)e some more ice cream into my mout% and $lare at t%e cloc1 on t%e "all* ')e been out %ere since nine t%is mornin$' so "%en #in1s called' co)ered in sa"dust' %ence ta1in$ a s%o"er an %our a$o' but smell t%e "ood and oils on my s1in* t's in t%e fuc1in$ air* no"* #%en' at last' %ear a car pull in' and #a: moseys out of t%e "or1s%op* "as

can still

%appen to

lo)e t%e smell' but 'm too an9ious to %a)e a positi)e outloo1 on s%it ri$%t

t's pretty "arm out today' so t%e door to t%e s%ed remains open' and 'm only dressed in 2eans and a t-s%irt* &ummer in Alas1a is nice as %ell' t%ou$% a bit colder* (it% my bo"l of ice cream still in my %and' front of t%e cabin' follo" #a: and cross my reac% t%e

bac1yard* #otta mow the "ucking lawn, by the way* (%en

see #in1s 2ust as s%e 1noc1s on t%e door*

&%e sees me' too* .#%ere you are;.

Chapter song o 'e &o%ed by rain BPOV $rit my teet% and let out a frustrated breat% before 'm "inally able to pass t%e old fuc1er dri)in$ way too slo"ly* 'm sorry' but senior citi:ens 2ust don!t belon$ be%ind t%e fuc1in$ "%eel* Not "%en 'm in a %urry any"ay* ')e been ta1in$ s%it slo"ly for t%ree mont%s' and suddenly 'm desperate to mo)e on* At last* Finally* need t%is* #%ree mont%s of t%erapy' tal1s "it% 8d"ard' readin$' settlin$' comin$ to terms' reali:in$4 ?eali:in$ t%at 8d"ard Cullen is a man ')e fallen %ead o)er %eels in lo)e "it%* He's not t%e person %e once "as' and t%e ne" man %e is no" bar$ed into my life si9 mont%s a$o and too1 up a s%itload of space in my %eart* .+%' come on;. slam my %ands do"n on t%e "%eel "%en pull up be%ind

a fuc1in$ tractor* (%at's t%at damn t%in$ doin$ out %ere' %u%/ (it% oncomin$ traffic in t%e ot%er lane' ri$%t no"' eit%er* &ittin$ bac1 in my seat' do"n* count to ten and force myself to calm t%e fuc1 can't e9actly pass t%e tractor

#%e letters 1eep s"irlin$ in my %ead' but for once in my life'

know*

#%ere's no confusion' no doubt' no 0uestions unans"ered' and no fear* 'm sure* 'm out of my fuc1in$ mind and it feels ama:in$* +1ay' t%at didn!t sound ri$%t' but "%ate)er* t feels messed up,cra:y* (%at runs so deep* t's e9citin$' refres%in$' mind-blo"in$* &o4"%en finally $et to pass t%e $oddamn tractor' and step on t%e $as* I'll be in !terling soon, Edward. 1inda "onder if %e already 1no"s "%y 'm comin$ out to see %im* #%en a$ain' probably not* ')e been so focused on dealin$ "it% t%e rollercoaster of emotions runnin$ t%rou$% me o)er t%e past t%ree mont%s t%at if %e %asn't been able to read me in t%e past' recently* But no"/ No" doubt %e's been able 1no"* No" 'm sure* ')e "or1ed t%rou$% my feel' it feel "ired* +li%e* "ear t%is c%eesy $rin

issues' let t%in$s $o' and done some ma2or soul-searc%in$* t's been necessary' but 'm $lad it's o)er* 'm so ready for t%is* n t%e be$innin$' e9pected t%e letters to "ei$% me do"n* nstead t%ey don!t e)en 1no"* But it feels ri$%t*

$a)e me clarity* #%ey lifted t%is "ei$%t off of my s%oulders,made me carefree and' and' and

+b)iously' t%e first t%irty' forty letters or so "ere incredibly difficult to read* 8d"ard's an$uis% s%one t%rou$% in %is "ritin$* re$retful and remorseful %e "as* and %o" lost %e "as* sobbed my "ay t%rou$%' basically* ;'ella *y therapist said that writing could bene"it me. &ike, it can be a way to get it all out( I 2ust donJt know where to begin, what to write, or how this would work. 'ut since I need this to happen;I need to get better;I'm could feel %o" could also sense %is pain' %is despair'

going "or it. +nd I'm writing to you. $ou're kind o" this %oice in my head. *aybe that sounds weird, but you're always there. In some way. $ou're there when I make a decision, you're there when I look back on my day, and you're there when I "uck up. I always wonder, )What would 'ella say about this() Fuck, this is weird. What am I supposed to say( +m I 2ust gonna sit here and type down the shit I'%e been through( 'Cause that might take time. *y head's not working right, I think. I ha%e these thoughts, but they're "leeting. I can't get a "ucking grasp on anything. I thought this would be easier;reco%ery, I mean. I'm not good at this. ;Edward He "as confused' impatient' still an$ry4 8d"ard %ated %imself* ;'ella $ou know what I wish( I wish someone could 2ust erase my memory. I could start o%er and do e%erything right. 'ut see, when I think like that, it always comes down to one thingB where would -athan be( I" I hadn't been a prick and "ought so hard to make you "orget my not wearing a condom, he wouldnJt ha%e been born. It hurts to think that way. hen again, what the "uck do I know( I'm a nobody. E%erything I do is shit. E%eryone I lo%e, I also "ail. *aybe Dad had it right. *aybe I'm this loser who can't do anything without ruining something;or someone;in the process. *aybe I'm to blame "or e%erything, you know( I mean/Dad thought I was a disappointment. +nd *om didnJt lo%e me enough to sa%e me. I wasnJt worth it. I'm still not worth it. ;Edward

s%a1e my %ead' %eart constrictin$* 'm actually afraid of t%in1in$ about t%e "%at ifs* He "as in suc% a dar1 place bac1 t%en' and %e %ad no one until 8mmett stepped in* He "as all alone "%en %e stru$$led "it% %is o"n demons* He "as destructi)e' lost' afraid' morbid' and a fe" of t%e letters t%at follo"ed made me fear %o" 0uic1ly %e could')e ended it all* Li1e Alice did* ; inks. hatJs you. It's the middle o" the night, and I ha%e a random thought. I" I chose to take the coward's way out and commit suicide, who would I write the goodbye note to( .r is that too clichK( *aybe you only see that in the mo%ies;that they actually write letters to their lo%ed ones. 'ut i" I did that/would you e%en get the letter( Would -athan( +nd what would I say( hat "riend o" yours who hanged hersel", did she write a note( Did she tell her "amily that she lo%ed them( I can't really remember her story. I know you told me. I'm sorry. What I do remember is that you told me she died when her neck broke. Which means she se%ered one or se%eral o" her cer%ical %ertebrae. here are se%en o" them. I'%e studied all o" that. Dad made me. 0e told me it was good to know;good to know the alternati%es we ha%e i" we wanna end our li%es. !o yeah, I'%e read about the hangman's "racture. Fascinating stu"", really. Death by hanging is 2ust one, but the actual cause o" death could be a "ew things. $ou could choke, o" course, and you could break your neck. I" you use a wire, you can also die "rom blood loss. 'Cause, you see, it cuts into your skin. &ike, the skin gi%es way, but the wire isn't thick enough to cut o"" your air supply. +nd, I guess, i" the 2ump is really high and the rope is weak, maybe you can die when you "all down to the ground again. hatJs 2ust a guess, though. 'ut in my opinion, that's gotta be too pain"ul. I'd probably go with pills. +nd you know I'm a coward= I'd rather not "eel any pain. *ust be nice to 2ust dri"t away and not be aware o" your li"e seeping out o" you. he li"e in

your eyes would 2ust "licker until there's nothing le"t. hough, that wouldnJt work with me. I would ha%e to ha%e li"e in my eyes to lose it. +nother thing I wonderB should I be buried or go with cremation( Who would %isit my gra%e( What would it say on it( Who would miss me( I'd like to be missed. I should probably get some more sleep. I ha%e another session tomorrow. ;Edward #%at's 2ust one of four letters t%at "ere about suicide* #%ey scared me %alf to deat%' and remember callin$ 8d"ard in t%e needed to %ear %is )oice*

middle of t%e ni$%t' needin$ to tal1 to %im* &ome letters screamed of %o" lonely %e felt* ;'ella

I wonder what you're doing. It's a Friday night. +re you at home, 2ust you and -athan( .r maybe you ha%e a babysitter;maybe you're out with "riends. Do you ha%e a boy"riend( I" I was a good person, I'd wish you did ha%e one. + nice guy who appreciated you. !omeone who laughs when you crack a silly 2oke. I donJt e%en know i" you like 2okes. 'ecause I ne%er took the time to get to know you. I wish I had. +nyway/I'm not that person;the one who wants what's best "or you. I hope I can be a guy like that one day, but I'm not there yet. 'Cause I donJt want you to "ind someone else. I'm sorry "or that. 'ut this sucks. #od, this really sucks. I hate this, you know( I 2ust miss you. I know I donJt ha%e the right to miss you, but I do anyway. I miss the com"ort you ga%e me. I miss the way you'd care"ully touch me a"ter I'd gotten a beating "rom Dad. I miss your

concern. 'ut most o" all, I think I miss your hugs. !hit, that sounded gay. I need a drink. ;Edward #%en %e started "ritin$ to Nat%an' too' and it started on our son's first birt%day* ;-athan +nthony !wan I wish I knew you. I wish I could be there to celebrate your "irst birthday. he only thing that com"orts me is that I know your mom. I know that she's gi%ing you the best birthday you can e%er dream o", because thatJs who she is. *aybe one day, I'll get to be there, too. I hope so. I also hope your birthday wishes come true. .kay, so maybe there's no such thing as wishing when you're one year old, but there will be one day. I remember many things I'%e wished "or and still do wish "or. +dults ha%e more wishes than you can imagine. $ou are one o" my wishes, -athan. It's up to me to make them come true, and I'm working on it. I promise. I lo%e you, and I hope you'll ha%e a %ery happy birthday. I'%e ne%er met you, but I still know you deser%e the world. ;$our dad don!t 1no" %o" many times %e erased' crossed out' and re-"rote se)eral "ords* For instance' "%en loo1ed closely' could see t%at %e %ad "ritten Nat%an Ant%ony Cullen first* But t%en %e erased it and "rote &"an* &ame $oes for t%e last "ord' or rat%er' title* 6nderneat% .3our dad.' could see .8d"ard. and .3our fat%er.' too*

n many of t%e early letters' it's easy to see t%at %e "as scared to %ope* He "anted so badly' but since %e's ne)er really %ad a $ood t%in$ in %is life ,at least' somet%in$ lastin$,%e "as afraid to %ope* 8)en no"' %e's stru$$lin$ "it% comin$ to terms "it% t%e idea t%at %e actually deser)es

$ood t%in$s* He's still afraid someone's $onna rip it all a"ay from %im* And' last but not least' %e's constantly afraid of ma1in$ mista1es* try to tell %im t%at ma1in$ mista1es is ine)itable* Humans ma1e mista1es* 0umans make mistakes. #%ose are "ords ')e repeated in my %ead a lot lately* 8d"ard's letters %a)e %elped* #%ey')e made me see t%at %e's not t%e one "%o made t%ose mista1es anymore* started seein$ it after about forty letters,t%e pro$ress %e "as ma1in$* 8)en if %e "as in prison at t%at point' a place t%at doesn!t e9actly pro)ide %appiness or4 mean' it's not an en)ironment 'd feel content to be in' you 1no"/ But 8d"ard did' and to mo)e for"ard* ;'ella Dealing with the past hurts like a mother"ucker, I won't lie. 'ut it kinda works. I know what I did. I know I ha%e no e6cuses. +nd I'm not making any. What I did to you was %ile. 'ack then, I was trying to protect mysel". $ou, too. 'ut there's still no e6cuse "or anything. Despite the stupid shit I'%e done, I'm still a smart guy. I was creati%e enough to destroy you. I know I could'%e used that creati%ity to run you out o" town without actually ripping you apart. $ou and -athan are all I think about. !am, my cellmate, talks about his kids all the time. 0e tells stories, 2okes, shares memories. +nd it hurts so "ucking bad, 'cause I donJt ha%e anything to say in return. I donJt know when -athan took his "irst step. I donJt know what you do when he can't stop crying. I donJt know which stories you read to him. $et it* 5rison $rounded %im,forced %im

!am is here because he robbed a gas station. 0e went in there with a gun, wa%ing it around, and demanded money. 'ecause he had 2ust been let go at his 2ob and he couldnJt a""ord to "eed his "amily. +nd his youngest son had pneumonia. he kid needed to see a doctor, but they were uninsured and had no means. 0e was desperate, and he knew %ery well that he'd probably get caught. 'ut i" he could only get his hands on some cash to send o"" his boy to get help/ *aybe you're thinking that there was most de"initely something that could'%e been done. 5erhaps you're right. Where there's a will, there's a way, right( 'ut he wasnJt thinking clearly. Would you i" -athan was in possible danger( Would you think rationally( I'm 2ust writing. I guess "or two reasons. ?L I wish I could say I'%e done e%erything "or my son. 'ut thatJs so "ar "rom the truth. !am, he's a real dad. 0e'd do anything "or his kids, conse9uences be damned. his is how I "eel now, inks. It really is. I'd do anything "or you and -athan today. I" only I thought the same in Forks, huh( +nyway. >L I was desperate. In Forks, I was always wound tight. +lways on high alert. +lways ready "or a punch. +lways ready to punch someone else i" he looked at me "unny. .""ense and de"ense. I ne%er "elt sa"e. hen again, I didnJt ha%e a man like !am as my "ather. It's not weird that I'm "ucked:up, I think. !hit, I had a point in all this, I swear. 7ight. I was desperate. -ot thinking clearly, maybe( When I did all that to you, I mean. .n the other hand, perhaps thatJs 2ust bullshit. I took the time to plan it all. I'm 2ust gonna 9uit this rambling right here. ;Edward t "as t%e road to reco)ery from t%ere* He brin$s up memories in some letters* n some' %e as1s 0uestions about Nate and me* n ot%ers %e apolo$i:es' and se)eral letters %a)e dried tearstains on t%em*

?eadin$ t%ese4it's been cat%artic* #%e fantasy letters' t%e memories' t%e confessions' t%e ramblin$s' t%e ra" %onesty4 t's been a 2ourney' and some"%ere do"n t%e road' started loo1in$ at

8d"ard in a different li$%t* #%at actually started before 8d"ard $a)e me t%ose letters' but it's deeper no"* Attraction and t%e fact t%at "e s%are a past4t%at!s one t%in$* But to fall in lo)e "it% t%e man %e %as become is anot%er* <ranted' ')e %ad %elp to fi$ure all t%is out* Lisa's been my roc1* &%e %as %elped me dissect and understand* &%e's $i)en me different perspecti)es and4yea%* #"o days a$o' "%en me* ).h, I'%e seen it "or a while,) &isa chuckles. )'ut you needed to "igure this one out on your own. I knew you would.) )0ow/how did you know( I mean;what ha%e you 'seen'() !he smirks. )$ou really ha%e no clue() I shrug, helpless, and she grins again. )+h, 'ella. It's been pretty easy. 0e mo%es= you mo%e. $ou mo%e= he mo%es. +nd you remember the dinner we had here a couple months ago() I nod. )-o matter how "ar apart you were, you always kept an eye on each other. I" you were talking to *ary, your eyes would scan the room e%ery now and then until you "ound him. When he was talking to 1asper, he did the same.) 'm brou$%t bac1 to reality "%en ass' and see t%at 'm %alf"ay up a bi$ truc1's told %er t%at ')e fallen for 8d"ard' s%e $rinned at

slam do"n on t%e bra1es' "onderin$ if maybe someone s%ould

re)o1e my license* Fuc1' 'm "orse t%an old people*

.&%it'.

breat%e out' placin$ a %and o)er my racin$ %eart* refocus and t%in1 about t%e fact t%at 'll be in &terlin$

&%a1in$ my %ead'

in about ten minutes* And a fe" minutes later' "%en %eart of mine ta1es off a$ain* t feels li1e my s1in is pric1lin$* 7y breat%in$ is almost labored and c%oppy' and can barely sit still* 'm li1e Nat%an' for c%rissa1es* try to tal1 myself do"n from t%is4t%is4%i$%/ 3ea%* . "ant "%at %e "ants* 'll tell %im t%at "ill as1 reac% 8d"ard's pri)ate road' t%at racin$

. "ill be calm*.

"ill tal1 to %im*. Admit to %im t%at

lo)e %im* .(e "ill sit do"n and discuss t%in$s*. As t"o $ro"n people' "e "ill mo)e for"ard to$et%er* 7aybe %e "ill as1 me out/ 7aybe %im out/ <od' don!t 1no"* 1ill t%e en$ine and ta1e a

5ullin$ in be%ind 8d"ard's ?an$e ?o)er' couple deep breat%s before

lea)e t%e car* #%e sun is out and it's

relati)ely "arm* t %as not%in$ on Ari:ona or #ennessee' ob)iously' but it's still )ery nice' and 'm only dressed in a pair of 2eans and' um' one of 8d"ard's blac1 t-s%irts* (%at/ t "as t%e s%irt my %and found first "%en $ot dressed t%is mornin$* Not%in$ "eird about t%at* But yea%' 'm "earin$ it' and since it's pretty damn %u$e on me' ')e tied it in a 1not on my %ip* +t%er"ise' it'd be a s%ort dress* As "al1 up t%e pat% leadin$ to 8d"ard's cabin' smile briefly at t%e ne"

cobblestones %e and 8mmett laid %ere a fe" "ee1s a$o* (e %ad lunc% on t%e porc%* Homemade pi::a' %omemade lemonade* Nate "as runnin$ around "it% #a:* And 8d"ard* 'Cause "ant t%is* C%rist' really "ant all of it* (it% told %im remember t%is little moment "e s%ared "%en don!t 1no" "%y

and 8mmett it "as lunc%* t "as 2ust a small touc%,8d"ard brus%ed t%e pad of %is t%umb o)er my c%in* recall it so )i)idly' or

"%y

can't for$et t%e soft smile t%at played on %is lips* ?e$ardless' it left

$irly butterflies in my stomac%* >ust t%in1in$ about it brin$s t%em bac1* ta1e anot%er deep breat% and "al1 up t%e porc% steps' suddenly filled "it% a %ars% need* +r maybe %ars% is t%e "ron$ "ord* But it's t%ere' almost consumin$ me* Last step* Fear of re2ection 2olts t%rou$% me for a second' but started doubtin$ %is feelin$s* After all' e)er since ama,ing. 2ust needed t%is time to end up "%ere %e's been for a "%ile* needed to let $o' for$i)e' and $et to 1no" t%e 8d"ard %e is no"* can't let t%e past rule my future@ need to ta1e a c%ance on t%is* 0uic1ly

smot%er t%at pinc% of insecurity* t's almost insultin$ to 8d"ard if sa" %im a$ain' si9 mont%s a$o' %e's been not%in$ but sincere' 1ind' $enuine4 and "ucking

#%e $reat t%in$ about all t%is is t%at it doesn!t e)en feel %ard* t's ri$%t no" as easy as breat%in$* "on't e)er for$et t%e past,neit%er "ill 8d"ard,but "e "ill mo)e for"ard* #o$et%er* Heart stuc1 in my t%roat' Almost at t%e same time' left,and 1noc1 on t%e door* see somet%in$ mo)in$ in my perip%ery,to my

tilt my %ead in t%at direction 2ust to see 8d"ard "al1in$ o)er'

most li1ely %a)in$ been in %is "or1s%op out bac1* try to s"allo" but find it impossible* .#%ere you are;. All air pretty muc% lea)es me as my body mo)es of its o"n )olition* Edward, Edward, Edward* His name $oes on a loop in my %ead at t%e same rate as my %eart is poundin$* Edward, Edward, Edward* run do"n t%e steps' ta1in$ a s%arp turn to my ri$%t and continue to run

to"ard %im*

)a$uely re$ister t%e fact t%at %e's %oldin$ a bo"l of ice

cream in %is %ands' but soon it's not t%ere anymore* His eyes are "ide as literally 2ump %im' accidently 1noc1in$ t%e bo"l out of %is %ands' but all can t%in1 of is' close, close, close* #%en it's closer, closer, closer* cras% my mout% to %is* He oomp%s* He c%o1es* He cou$%s* He c%uc1les breat%ily* n 0uic1 succession* (%en %e slo"ly but firmly starts to 1iss me bac1' tears "ell up be%ind my closed lids* t feels li1e my %eart is about to e9plode* .#in1s'. %e pants as "e continue to 1iss* t's not slo" anymore* t's deep' frantic' and passionate* .Baby' "%at4. Loc1in$ my feet around %is ass and ti$%tenin$ my arms around %is nec1' 1inda %oist myself up %i$%er* .#ell me if,you "ant me to stop*. chocolate, co""ee. . , 4. tilt my %ead to t%e side and 1iss %im deeper' tastin$ %is ton$ue on my o"n* *int, s"allo" and try to breat%e* His bottom lip moan and "ea)e my fin$ers lo)e it* lo)e him* (%ic% ends up bet"een my o"n lips* 7y teet% nip a little* He $roans' and t%en 'm pressed up a$ainst t%e %ouse "all* t%rou$% %is %air* Bet"een 1isses' in%ale %is delicious scent* t's %is body "rap my arms and le$s around %im as %e stumbles bac1"ard a little' and t%en

"as%' %is s%ampoo' t%e sa"dust' t%ose oils4

"as about to tell %im' so4 . 4. <od' %e starts 1issin$ my nec1* #%at feels so $ood* And "%en t%e tip of %is ton$ue s"ipes across t%e spot belo" my ear' can't %elp but "%imper* #%e softness and "etness from %is lips and %iss "%en feel %is erection in all t%e ri$%t places* #%ere's no put a stop to t%at bulls%it by rollin$ my %ips o)er %im ton$ue combined "it% t%e t"o-day old scruff4 #oo $ood for "ords* .$esss*. "ay %e did t%at intentionally' 'cause %e's about to s%ift %is lo"er body a"ay from me' but and pus%in$ t%e %eels of my C%uc1s into %is ass*

What happened to sitting down and talking;calmly( 8d"ard %appened* . lo)e you'. admit in a rus%' capturin$ %is mout% "it% mine a$ain*

.Fuck'. %e rasps and stills completely* He brea1s t%e 1iss' %is breat%in$ as labored and %ea)y as mine' and stares at me t%rou$% %ooded eyes* smile and touc% my t%orou$%ly-1issed lips* . lo)e you*. First' t%ere's confusion in %is eyes* #%en' as it slo"ly da"ns on %im' or as my confession settles in %im' countless emotions flit across %is features* #%ere's elation' %appiness' lo)e' relief' and "%en t%ose beautiful eyes of %is become $lassy' 1no" for sure t%at "%ile %e may %a)e 1no"n )ery "ell t%at our attraction "as mutual and stron$' %e %asn't dared to really belie)e 'd lo)e %im in return* After a moment' %e lets out a s%a1y breat% and drops %is fore%ead to my s%oulder* But t%at!s about it* He ma1es no ot%er mo)e' and it's t%e "ay "ant it* 'm still trapped bet"een t%e %ouse "all and %im' and %im perfectly close* . lo)e you'. %e "%impers 0uietly* 1iss %is nec1 softly' lin$erin$* . lo)e you ri$%t bac1*. Liftin$ %is %ead' %e s%udders and 1isses my 2a"' my c%ee1s' my eyelids' my nose' and ends "it% a 1iss on my fore%ead* (it%out commentin$' c%ee1* "ipe a"ay a stray tear t%at's fallin$ do"n %is still %a)e

#%en %e 1isses me on t%e lips* Deeply' %un$rily' del)in$ %is ton$ue into my mout%* Lips loc1ed' %ands $raspin$' breat%in$ i$nored* (e're all smiles* Alt%ou$%' 'm all $i$$les "%en 8d"ard* .#a: ate your ice cream*. point* see,#a: lic1in$ ice cream see "%at's $oin$ on sli$%tly be%ind

Loo1in$ o)er %is s%oulder' 8d"ard sees "%at off %is nose*

.>ust $reat*. He $roans and c%uc1les and faces me and 1isses me a$ain* =C38= Later' "e're in 8d"ard's bed to$et%er' do"n to our under"ear' and under t%e co)ers* (ell' 'm in panties and %is t-s%irt' and %e's in bo9ers* (e')e been %ere for %ours no"' (e tal1 a lot* (e 1iss a lot* (e %u$ e)en more* tell %im ')e for$i)en %im for e)eryt%in$* %im' and t%ere's not%in$ "on't for$et' "%ic% also tell t%in1*

"on't i$nore it' eit%er* But 'm free to mo)e on'

admit' and

"ant more t%an to mo)e on "it% %im by my side*

He $oes pretty silent for a "%ile' restin$ %is %ead on my c%est* 7y fin$ers play absentmindedly "it% %is %air* A fe" times feel small drops tric1lin$ do"n my sides' but say not%in$'

1no"in$ it's an emotional day*

And per%aps %alf an %our or so later' it's %is turn to comfort me "%en $et all "eepy* t's o)er"%elmin$' not to mention startlin$* &tartlin$,to reali:e t%at ')e felt so lonely for years and not really 1no"n it* ')e 1no"n it' felt it' but %ad no clue it "as on t%is le)el* But %ere' in 8d"ard's stron$ arms' it comes cras%in$ do"n on me* And t%e t%in$s is' as can only be 8d"ard* ne)er be able to feel t%is "ay about someone else* He's4different' in a "ay* From "%om' don!t 1no"' but t%ere's still also reali:e' t%at it can feel it in my %eart' deep in my bones' t%at 'd

somet%in$ t%at ma1es me t%in1 %e's unli1e ot%ers* #%ere's a rou$%ness around %im@ %e's stron$' undoubtedly manly' sometimes a"1"ard "it% %is "ords' completely clueless in t%e 1itc%en' pretty foul-mout%ed' %as a dirty sense of %umor' and %e's $ruff* But at t%e same time' %e's also t%e most affectionate person ')e e)er met* He's t%ou$%tful' s"eet4 &ometimes' %e's a lost little boy' "%ic% causes my %eart to ac%e' but t%en a$ain' t%in1 'm a lost little $irl sometimes' too* (e'll 2ust %a)e to $uide eac% ot%er and ma1e sure "e 1eep tal1in$* (e certainly don!t %a)e all t%e ans"ers to e)eryt%in$' but "e don!t pretend "e do* (e'll probably scre" up many times o)er' t%ou$% 'm comforted by t%e fait% %a)e t%at "e'll ne)er $o too far* +ur past "ill ensure t%at* already 1no"' for instance' t%at "e "ill ne)er "al1 a"ay from eac% ot%er in t%e middle of a fi$%t* (al1in$ a"ay is 2ust out of t%e 0uestion* .(%at are you t%in1in$ about/. %e murmurs' placin$ soft 1isses alon$ my collarbone* His lips trail' ne)er really lea)in$ my s1in until %e applies pressure for anot%er 1iss*

si$% contentedly and %itc% my le$ o)er %is %ip* Honestly' tal1s' 1isses' tal1s' and 1isses* .#%at 'll ne)er "al1 a"ay'.

can't really

remember us losin$ all our clot%es@ it 2ust %appened some"%ere bet"een

ans"er* He %ums and $i)es my body a firm'

lon$ s0uee:e* .(%at are you t%in1in$ about/. He lifts %is %ead and 1isses my c%in* .#%at 'm fuc1in$ t%an1ful'. %e c%uc1les 0uietly* .3ou and Nate ma1e li)in$ feel4 more like li%ing* f t%at ma1es sense*. #%e corners of my mout% curl into a smile* . t ma1es perfect sense*. <i)in$ %is c%est a playful s%o)e' %a)e %im on %is bac1 in a flas%* $rin and straddle %is %ips' en2oyin$ t%e bri$%tness in %is eyes* No"' more t%an e)er before' Nat%an loo1s li1e %im* 8d"ard sits up and steals a 0uic1 1iss' t%e co)ers poolin$ around us* .3ou're so fuc1in$ beautiful,you 1no" t%at/. 1no"*. tilt my %ead bac1 as %e murmurs more "ords a$ainst my nec1* . can't really belie)e my luc1' you s%i)er "%en %is fin$ers caress t%e s1in under my t-s%irt' near my %ips* .3ou could %a)e anyone*. &%a1in$ my %ead' cup %is c%ee1s and $i)e %im a "et' sensual 1iss* . 'm

only a)ailable for you*. #%at!s "%at %e said to me after declinin$ a date "it% 7artin's mom* 8d"ard's only a)ailable for me' and it's t%e same t%e ot%er "ay around* .3ou're t%e only one "%o ma1es me feel t%is "ay'. admit' a little out of breat%* (it% a sli$%t s"i)el of my %ips' slo"ly %ardens under me* .Fuc1*. His fin$ers di$ into my %ips* . lo)e you' %oney*. let out a s%udderin$ breat% and nod* . lo)e you bac1*. .No* don!t t%in1 you $et it'. %e moans 0uietly "%en roll my %ips a$ain* feel %o" %e

His coc1 is %ard under me' "a1in$ desires t%at %a)e been dormant for so

lon$* t "asn!t until a fe" mont%s a$o t%at "oman' too* .3ou4 fuc1in$ adore you*.

started feelin$ t%is need*

Need for more t%an bein$ a mommy* 8d"ard' %e ma1es me cra)e bein$ a

A dra"n-out s%i)er slo"ly ma1es its "ay t%rou$% me' settin$ me on fire in t%e process* need 8d"ard to understand t%at feel t%e same* He %as to $et it* 'm stare at %im' fore%ead to "%isper* .3ou're my

not settlin$* He's4 . t's mutual' baby*. family* 3ou and Nat%an*.

fore%ead' noses touc%in$ too* .Head o)er %eels'.

Lettin$ out a $roan' %e flips us o)er* He 1isses me so %ard' so %un$rily' so deeply* At t%e same time' %e finally $i)es in and mo)es' too* t "as only me before' but no"4 .+%' fuc1'. and "%imper' "rappin$ my le$s around %im* .5lease' 8d"ard*.

arc% my bac1 as %is coc1 rubs a$ainst my pussy* 7y %ands fist %is %air' try to pull %im impossibly closer* . , need4.

.#ell me'. %e "%ispers $ruffly* .Dammit*. He pus%es %arder' sendin$ 2olts of pleasure t%rou$% me* .Anyt%in$*. nod' tryin$ to breat%e* .8)eryt%in$* .No"/ "ant you*.

mean4. He ceases all mo)ements and loo1s at me' bro"s 2ust stare bac1'

furro"ed' c%ee1s a little flus%ed' and eyes full of desire*

because4yes' no"* .>esus C%rist*. He uses one %and to scrub %is face* .6nless you t%in1 "e're rus%in$'. say' nippin$ at %is 2a"*

He s%udders* . 'm a man' baby*. +%' 'm a"are* .?us%in$,not a "ord in my )ocabulary* But4. He $roans a$ain and s%ifts %is "ei$%t' applyin$ pressure on my pussy* t ma1es me moan* . don!t "ant any re$rets*.

.No re$rets*.

s0uirm under %im and reac% for %is bo9ers* .5lease*. #%at feel t%e "ay %e s"allo"s,so blo" out a breat%* . t's been years*. 1no" %o"

"ord is "%ispered a$ainst %is t%roat' and %ard* . lo)e you' and4.

At t%at' %e loo1s do"n at me and coc1s a bro"* .'elie%e me* you feel' #in1s*. .&o4. arc% a bro"' too' as

let my fin$ers dip under t%e "aistband of

%is blac1 Cal)in Klein's* He c%uc1les a little and s%a1es %is %ead* .#%ere's no need to t"ist my arm*. Lo"erin$ %is face' %e 1isses me a$ain' ne)er stoppin$ "%en one of %is %ands $oes under my s%irt* .Fuc1' %o" ')e fantasi:ed about t%is*. He $roans and palms my left breast' touc%in$ me e9pertly* He al"ays 1ne" "%at %e "as doin$* And <od' remember %is fin$ers' %o" t%ey brou$%t me to or$asm after or$asm* Bac1 t%en' "%en %e "as se)enteen' "%at %e lac1ed in stamina' %e made up by usin$ t%ose fin$ers of %is* #%en a$ain' neit%er of us %as $otten laid since t%e last time "e "ere to$et%er' so doubt stamina %as impro)ed,%ell' for eit%er of us* >ust t%is' bein$ "it% %im so close' ma1es my insides 0ui)er* . lo)e seein$ you in my clot%es'. %e admits42ust as "rap my fin$ers

around %is t%ic1 coc1* .#oddamn*. He buc1s %is %ips into my touc%@ stro1e %im firmly* He's "arm' smoot%' and %ea)y in my %and* .#ime to lose t%e s%irt' baby* need to see you*. He raises %is body but remains 1neelin$ bet"een my le$s* &ittin$ up sli$%tly' 'm in t%is position' pull off my s%irt and drop it on t%e floor* And "%ile ta1e t%e opportunity to pus% do"n 8d"ard's bo9ers* s"allo"' feelin$ my mout% "ater*

C%rist' %is body4 He's c%an$ed so muc%* 7y fin$ers trace %is defined abs' %is ribca$e "%ere %is in1 is' %is c%est4 (e're bot% starin$' note*

.Lie bac1'. %e instructs softly* do' "atc%in$ as %is eyes 1eep roamin$ my body* Keepin$ %is eyes loc1ed "it% mine' %e tu$s on my purple boy s%orts* lift up my %ips' sure t%ere's somet%in$ "eird crac1lin$ bet"een us* (%ate)er it is' it's %ea)ier t%an anyt%in$ ')e felt in t%e past* 7y le$s s%ift so %e can slip off t%e fabric* .>esus'. %e mutters' tossin$ my panties some"%ere be%ind %im* He's definitely not loo1in$ me in t%e eye anymore* nstead %e's "atc%in$ my pussy' and only a fe" seconds later' t%e pad of %is t%umb s1ims o)er my "et slit* .&o fuc1in$ %ot*. s%udder "%en %e adds t%e tiniest amount of pressure* At t%e same time' %e $rips %is coc1 and stro1es it slo"ly* lic1 my lips* He's too far a"ay* .8d"ard4. And t%en %e's %ere' co)erin$ my body "it% %is lar$e one* 7ore 1isses* <reedy touc%es* He's all lined up* His teet% nip at my lips* First one4t%en t%e ot%er* . "anna taste you* t's been4. He rolls %is %ips' and %is coc1 slides bet"een my slic1 lips* .Fuc1, so lon$* Let me*. 'm s%a1in$ my %ead no* . need all of you*. 7y breat%in$ stutters* .Don!t ma1e me be$*. .Ne)er*. t's a small c%uc1le %e lets out* .&o4. He e9%ales s%a1ily' seemin$ ner)ous* For some reason* #%en t%ere's a s%eepis% smile* .5rotection/. can't %elp but $rin*

He 1no"s so "ell "%at 'm t%in1in$ about* He's t%in1in$ it' too* And can't resist4 .(%y' 8d"ard Cullen* Are you asking for a condom/.

Half-amused' %e s%a1es %is %ead* He tries to $lare but fails* .&%ut up*. 7y $rin "idens* . lo)e you*. #%at does it* #%ose eyes of %is become soft' tender' s"eet* . lo)e you' too*. I can "eel that. . 'm on t%e pill'. .+%'. %e mout%s* nod and pull %im do"n on me' 1issin$ %im 'til feel fe)eris%* "%isper* t's not li1e "e need to tal1 about &#Ds*

'm %ypera"are* And sensiti)e to t%e smallest of %is touc%es* But if t%ere's one t%in$ 1no" about 8d"ard' it's t%at %e's not $entle in t%e bedroom* t%in1 t%e difference bet"een 7a1e no mista1e' 'm "illin$ to bet %e'll be ama:in$ at ma1in$ lo)e* But %e's not careful* Hell' 'm not' eit%er* slo" or fast you $o* .No"'. %e mumbles into t%e 1iss* Linin$ up a$ain' %e pus%es in an inc% and stops* . inks*. %old my breat%* . t%in1 need to apolo$i:e in ad)ance*. Anot%er inc% or t"o* $i$$le' all breat%less and %orny and stretc%ed* .No $i$$lin$*. His )oice is strained' face buried in t%e croo1 of my nec1* #%en' in one smoot% motion' %e's all in* .Damn*. ma1in$ lo)e and fuc1in$ is "%at you feel* t %as not%in$ to do "it% %o"

'm not breat%in$* A$ain* &0uee:in$ my eyes s%ut' Li1e a rollercoaster*

s%ould* focus on t%e pleasure' t%e stin$' t%e emotions*

.No' baby'. %e "%ispers and drops a 1iss on my fore%ead* .Loo1 at me*. open my eyes' and t%ere %e is* . "ant it all "it% you'. %e says' s"allo"in$* He slides out' t%en 0uic1ly bac1 inside* Li1e 1ne"' %e doesn!t do $entle* +ne %and $rips my %ip ti$%tly' fin$ers di$$in$ in' and t%e ot%er %and cups my nec1* And %is coc14 He $i)es it to me %ard but slo"* Lon$' deep stro1es* But %is eyes/ His eyes %old t%e softness* .3ou're my family' too*. .3esss'. %iss' meetin$ eac% pus% of %is*

He fills me completely,o)er and o)er a$ain,in fluid mo)ements* 7out% by my ear' %e $oes on* .#%e dirty' t%e fuc1in$ s"eet* 7ornin$ se9' s%o"er se9' 1itc%en se94 #%e ar$uin$' t%e bulls%ittin$' t%e mo)ie ni$%ts' t%e early mornin$s "%ere "e rus% around to $et ready*. t%ro" my %ead moan' bac1 as %e fuc1s %arder* .3ou'll al"ays %a)e me in your corner*.

and %e returns to t%e 1issin$* No" do"n* Do"n my c%est4to my tits* .C%rist*. He $rinds %is coc1 deep inside of me' creatin$ friction a$ainst my clit* "%imper' moan' $asp*

He "raps %is lips around my ri$%t nipple' suc1in$ it into %is mout%* .Edward*. (%en %is %and mo)es from my %ip to my pussy' fin$ers are still ma$ic* .Faster' baby*. He complies* 7y t%i$%s 0ua1e and tense' almost loc1in$ %im in place* But %e 1eeps mo)in$ in and out of me* 1no" it "on't

be lon$* No toy can fuc1in$ compare to t%e real t%in$* .+%' #od*. His

. can't "ait for all of it'.

$asp' "antin$ t%e same t%in$s %e "ants* #%e

cra:y' t%e difficult' t%e s"eet' t%e se9y* Allo"in$ my %ands to roam' eac% t%rust* .#ell me'. %e moans around my nipple* $o "it% %onesty* .&uc1in$ on your coc1*. face4. He spits out a curse and slams into me* .<o on*. cry out* . remember your face4. bed* ,"%en breat%e %ea)ily and drop my le$s bac1 to t%e %appen to miss t%at* .3our feel t%e rippled muscles alon$ %is upper feel t%em fle9 "it%

bac1* His s%oulder blades' %is s%oulders' %is spine4

spread t%em "ider' ma1in$ it easier for me to lift my %ips* .4"%en slid my ton$ue up t%e base of your coc1*.

.Fuc1;. %e $roans* . remember' too,1esus* 3ou're killing me*. Faster' %arder' deeper* . "ant all of it'. it all' so "%imper* .#%e dirty' t%e fuc1in$ s"eet*. His "ords said

fi$ure 'd $o "it% t%ose*

. need to 1iss you'. %e $runts' claimin$ my mout% a$ain* He pus%es %is ton$ue into my mout%' and bodies slide* . 'm t%ere*. He $ets me t%ere "it% a s"i)el of %is %ips* Deep' so fuc1in$ deep inside of me' %e curses and apolo$i:es before see t%e pleasure ta1in$ o)er %im* $rit out a moan Ho"e)er' 'm $oin$ do"n' too* &cre"in$ my eyes s%ut' meet %im' pus%in$ bac1* .#oo $ood' %oney*. He starts pantin$ and rubbin$ me %arder* +ur lips brus% to$et%er' our

as

come so %ard* t's not a lon$-lastin$ or$asm but se)eral small

e9plosions* &mall $asps slip t%rou$% my lips bet"een eac% one* (%en it's all o)er' it still feels li1e 'm %i$%* slo"ly open my eyes a$ain' my breat%in$ far from re$ulated' and see 8d"ard's face' so close to my o"n* His teet% are imbedded in %is bottom lip' %is eyes are closed' %is bro"s are furro"ed* .Did you at least come/. He pee1s at me' only one eye openin$* #%is "eird' breat%y lau$% escapes me' "%ic% ma1es 8d"ard $roan since %e can most definitely feel it* Do"n t%ere* .Can't you tell/. "%ee:e out t%rou$% lau$%s*

He breat%es out in "%at seems to be relief* .&orry*. &lo"ly' "it% a sli$%t $rimace' %e pulls out and collapses ne9t to me* . "as dro"nin$ in my o"n or$asm, couldn!t tell left from ri$%t*. He c%uc1les and t%ro"s an arm o)er %is eyes* . t%in1 $otta "or1 on my stamina*. t%ou$%t %e "as $oin$ to*

Hey' %e lasted far lon$er t%an .3ou "ere perfect'. and

murmur' scootin$ closer* He %ums and lifts %is arm' "ant*.

roll %alf my body on top of %is* 7y c%in rests on %is c%est' still

%ea)in$ a little "it% eac% labored breat%* .3ou're all

He smiles and finally unco)ers %is face* His eyes s%o" t%at softness a$ain* . s%ould probably ta1e you out on a date'. %e blurts out* failin$ to %ide %is %appiness* .3ou're you,my #in1s* lau$% a$ain'

'cause %e's all cute and silly* .&top t%at*. He narro"s %is eyes at me' "anna $i)e you all feel t%at*. He ma1es a bubble face and stares up at t%e ceilin$4"%ile

li$%t%eaded from %is s"eetness* . ')e ne)er been on a sin$le date my entire life* t%in1 need <oo$le*. say softly*

. 'm already yours' you 1no"'.

His smile "idens' eyes constantly bri$%t no"' and %e tuc1s me into %is side* Arms securin$ me' a le$ %itc%ed o)er my %ip' and %is lips 1issin$ my fore%ead* sorta need to $o to t%e bat%room' but any"ay* . t's $onna be a "%ile before can "rap my %ead around it'. %e "%ispers' lo)e you' sabella*. don!t "ant to* Not ri$%t no"'

fin$ers playin$ "it% my %air* .<od' Curious and surprised'

peer up at %im* .Isabella/.

He offers a one-s%ouldered s%ru$* .3our name is beautiful*. He 1isses my nose* . sabella' Bella' #in1s4%oney' baby*. A playful $ro"l a$ainst my c%ee1* .7y "oman*. 2ust $rin and lo"er my $a:e to %is ribca$e a$ain* feel lo)ed' c%eris%ed4and more t%an a little amused "%en study t%e mean4

tattoo of 5eter 5an* ')e seen it many times' but it 2ust %it me* But45eter 5an* +f all people* he boy who didnJt want to grow up. 3et' no one %as $ro"n up more t%an 8d"ard Cullen* ) o li%e will be an aw"ully big ad%enture.) +%' 'm definitely ready to mo)e for"ard "it% 8d"ard*

1no" 8d"ard is 5eter 5an* Nate is t%e Darlin$ boy' and 'm #in1erbell*

'm all in' and

%a)e a feelin$ it "ill be a pretty ama:in$ ad)enture*

Chapter song .pen $our Eyes by !now 5atrol EPOV n t%e past' %id* didn!t face my problems until it "as almost too late*

1ept my eyes closed' %opin$ s%it "ould 2ust sol)e itself* didn!t "ant to see my o"n issues' and t's different no"* #in1s is ri$%t ne9t to me' in bed' sleepin$' and it feels li1e life to be$in* (it% %er and our son* ogether* n e)ery sense* #%ere's a lot don!t 1no"' but do %a)e a $ood feelin$ t%at "e'll 2ust deal %a)e a ne" didn!t "ant to see ot%ers'*

"it% e)eryt%in$ to$et%er* can't predict t%e future' but t%at!s o1ay* 'm only t"enty-t%ree years old ,today' actually* don!t need to 1no" %o" t%in$s "ill pan out* As lon$ as %a)e #in1s and Nate* #%ey bot% lo)e me for "%o am,t%at!s all "ant ri$%t no"*

'll 2ust 1eep my eyes open' "or1 %ard' %ope for t%e best' and ma1e sure to 1eep my family safe' lo)ed' and protected* #%ose are t%in$s some ta1e for $ranted* for me to do t%at* &cootin$ closer to #in1s' drop soft 1isses on %er na1ed s%oulder* t%in1 it's p%ysically impossible

Nate "ill probably be up soon and "ant brea1fast* (e pic1ed %im up from >asper and >ada's last ni$%t' only to dri)e bac1 out %ere* (%en a"a1e* 7y "ords are "%ispered a$ainst %er soft s1in* .+pen your eyes*. &%e does' and 'm not $onna say s%it about seein$ our future in %er beautiful bro"n ones* Li1e said' can't predict t%at* see #in1s' mout% cur)e into a slo"' se9y smile' 1no" s%e's

do see t%at s%e lo)es me' t%ou$%* s1im my nose alon$ %er 2a"* 1iss it* 1iss %er nose* fuc1in$ lo)e %er*

&%e 1isses me bac1* &%e lo)es me bac1* 7aybe one day in a couple mont%s' 'll as1 %er to mo)e in "it% me* 5ermanently* 7aybe sooner* (e can li)e in Anc%ora$e durin$ t%e "ee1* #%e cabin can be %ere for "ee1ends' 0uic1 escapes' and %olidays* +ne day' in appro9imately a year' maybe "ill as1 %er to marry me*

7aybe s%e'll say yes* #%e day "e $et married' maybe $onna t%ro" up4until "ill be so ner)ous t%at 'm afraid 'm

see %er comin$ do"n t%e aisle* t's t%e day

be$innin$ "it% one Cullen and endin$ "it% t%ree* (%en 8mmett and 7ary $et %itc%ed' a couple years from no"' maybe #in1s "ill smile t%rou$% %er tears and tell me' "%ile "e're at t%e reception' t%at s%e's pre$nant* 7aybe "e'll %a)e a baby $irl "%o "e'll name after #in1s' c%ild%ood friend and #in1s' mom,my $odmot%er* +lice 7enee Cullen* "ill cry "%en %old %er for t%e first time4maybe* And "ill be t%ere to

ta1e a p%oto of %er tiny little self lyin$ on #in1s' c%est* 7aybe t%e scale "ill balance out* After our unfair pasts' maybe #in1s and "ill $et to $ro" old and $rey to$et%er* #%e sound of little feet paddin$ do"n t%e %all outside brin$s me bac1 to t%e present' and e9c%an$e a 1no"in$ smile "it% #in1s*

#ime to start t%e day* he "irst birthday I'%e e%er looked "orward to. .he End . . 0uturetake;.inks- Curry (ou) Chapter song #ood &i"e by yler Ward and 0eather 1anssen

EPOV .Bella said a s1illet'. 8m comments' eyein$ t%e "o1 set on t%e sto)e*

s%ru$* .#%is t%in$ is bi$$er*. And t%ere's a s%itload of )e$etables $oin$ in t%ere* .&till4. .Let's 2ust do t%is'. %uff* .Ho" %ard can it be/.

Famous last words, Cullen. .6m' o1ay* (%at's first/. scratc% my c%in and loo1 do"n at t%e recipe* .(e $otta cut up t%e )e$etables*. #"o lar$e $reen bell peppers' ei$%t carrots' and %alf a "%ite cabba$e %ead or "%ate)er t%e fuc1 it's called* <rabbin$ one 1nife for me and one for 8m' "e $et started' standin$ on eit%er side of t%e 1itc%en island* t 1inda ma1es me "is% "e "ere at %ome in Anc%ora$e' 'cause our 1itc%en t%ere is bi$$er' but #in1s needs to rest' so t%e cabin it is* (e're all %ere for t%e "ee1end to un"ind a little,#in1s' Nate' me' 8mmett' and 7ary* >asper' >ada' and t%eir 1ids mi$%t come %ere on &unday for dinner' but it's not set in stone* #%ere's a %ellu)a cold runnin$ around' "%ic% is actually 8m's reason for bein$ %ere in t%is 1itc%en "it% me* 7ary's on t%e couc% in t%e li)in$ room' snifflin$ and cou$%in$* #in1s and Nate are t%e same' t%ou$% #in1s' cold is t%an1fully not as ma2or* 7y reason for offerin$ to ma1e t%is fuc1in$ soup is 'cause s%e's cra)in$ it* 5re$nancy cra)in$s/ al"ays t%ou$%t t%ose in)ol)ed $oin$ out in t%e

middle of t%e ni$%t to pic1 up "eird s%it' li1e ice cream and pic1les* But all t%e "ife eats t%ese days is soup and %er iron supplements*

#%at's "%y s%e needs to rest,t%e baby doc told %er s%e needed it until %er iron le)els are better* +t%er"ise' s%e could become anemic* And study medicine once* rest' and t%at's fuc1in$ final* .Dude*. loo1 at t%e carrots 8m is slicin$* "a)e my 1nife at t%em* .3ou did 1no" t%e importance of t%is s%it* #in1s is on bed

$otta do t%em t%inner t%an t%at* #%at's not %o" #in1s ma1es 'em*. His pieces are almost an inc% t%ic1* .#urn one of your fat fuc1s into t%ree*. .(%o made you (olf$an$ 5uc1/. He sco"ls* c%uc1le* .(%o/. .Ne)er mind*. return to dicin$ t%e bell peppers* &orta t%e same si:e as t%e carrot slices are supposed to be* . 'm 2ust sayin$ t%at #in1s ma1es me t%is soup "%ene)er 'm sic1* t's li1e a rule*. t really is* #%e "ife is e9tra maternal and s"eet "%en Nate and "e're o1ay* .Daddy;. Nate s%outs from t%e li)in$ room* .(%at's up' buddy/. #%e cabba$e is ne9t* .3ou $otta come 0uic1; #%e baby's 1ic1in$ 7ommy;. $rin and fly outta t%e 1itc%en* Baby $irl is a calm one' so "e rarely feel %er little 1ic1s* At least' accordin$ to #in1s' s%e's calm* &%e said t%at Nat%an "as a 1ic1er* .Lemme feel*. round t%e couc% and 1neel do"n in front of #in1s* 7ary's %oller bac1' pus%in$ t%e bell peppers to t%e side* $et sic1,al"ays fussin$ and ma1in$ sure

%alf-asleep on t%e ot%er side of t%e couc%' and some lame c%ic1-flic1 is runnin$ in t%e bac1$round* #in1s lau$%s a little and slips do"n t%e co)ers

s%e's bundled up under' re)ealin$ %er rounded belly* At almost ei$%t mont%s pre$nant' 'm pretty sure #in1s %as ne)er been more $or$eous* .Holy s%%,t%ere it is*. Bot% of my %ands splayed on %er belly' under %er ,or my' actually,t-s%irt' .&%e's really $oin$ at it*. important to us*. . s it my turn yet/. Nate as1s' cra"lin$ o)er #in1s' le$s* . can't feel it*. He fro"ns* <uidin$ %is %and to t%e spot under #in1s' belly button' %ere*. it no"/. c%uc1le* murmur' .?i$%t nod and ma1e can feel our dau$%ter's soft nud$es* #%ere's loo1 up at #in1s' %appy e9pression* "%isper* .&%e's )ery loo1 do"n %er belly a$ain and lo"er my face to no describin$ t%is* (it% a $oofy $rin'

1iss %er s1in* .Be easy on your mommy' Alice'.

room for %im' and soon "e're bot% leanin$ our c%ee1s to #in1s' stomac%*

apply a little pressure and "atc% as Nate's eyes li$%t up* .3ou feel

He nods and sniffles' %is nose red from %is cold* . "ant %er to be %ere no"*. .&i9 more "ee1s' baby'. #in1s says softly and "ea)es %er fin$ers t%rou$% Nate's %air* .&i9 &aturdays*. .(aitin$ is no fun'. %e $rumbles* lau$% and 1iss %is fore%ead before standin$ up* .Can't ar$ue "it% you t%ere' buddy*. Leanin$ o)er t%e "ife's form' .Lo)e you*. steal a 0uic1 1iss* .Anyt%in$ pull up %er co)ers a$ain* can $et ya/.

&%e s%a1es %er %ead and smiles* .Nope' "e're all $ood %ere* Lo)e you' too*. lea)e t%em in t%eir little "orld of pillo"s' co)ers' blan1ets' cups of tea' and tissues*

.#oo1 you lon$ enou$%'. 8mmett mutters as smir1* .3ou're 2ust 2ealous*.

re2oin %im in t%e 1itc%en*

He is* ?i$%t no"' %e's "or1in$ %ard to con)ince 7ary to let %im 1noc1 %er up* .Fuc1 you*. .No' t%an1s'. lau$%* .+%' you already c%opped t%e cabba$e*. nod'

placin$ my %ands on my %ips* .&"eet* (%at's ne9t/. #rut% is' 7ary %as told #in1s t%at s%e "ants to surprise 8mmett* &%e's already off %er birt% control or "%ate)er' but t%ere "as somet%in$ t%at made %er ner)ous* #in1s 1inda li1es $ossip@ remember e9actly "%at s%e told me' t%ou$% "antin$ to do"nplay it a little* .#%e )e$etable brot%*. 8mmett brin$s out a stoc1 pot* .Ho" muc%/. c%ec1 t%e recipe* .&i9 cups* 'll $et started on t%e' um4. tablespoons of unsalted butter into t%e pan' .(%ere's t%e curry/;. .Cabinet nearest t%e sto)e;. s%e calls bac1* Found you. .#%an1s;. .Let me 1no" if you "ant %elp' baby;. s%a1e my %ead and $rab t%e measurin$ cups* . s t%ere a sto)e ne9t to t%e couc%/. "a)e a %and don't* &o' don't really )a$uely recall %er sayin$

t%at 7ary's sisters %a)e %ad problems $ettin$ pre$nant' %ence %er

at t%e sto)e* #ime to fry up t%e )e$etables* After droppin$ ten and a %alf rumma$e t%rou$% t%e s%out for #in1s* cabinets to find t%at damn curry po"der* .Honey;.

No reply* $rin* (oman needs to rest* .+1ay4. si$% and pour fi)e tablespoons of yello" curry po"der into t%e

meltin$ butter* . s t%is $onna boil/. 8mmett as1s' stirrin$ t%e brot%* .3ea%*. I think* #o be sure' c%ec1 t%e recipe a$ain* .3ea%*. After lettin$ add all t%e )e$etables* And

t%e curry and butter si::le for a fe" minutes'

t%at's "%en Nat%an "al1s into t%e 1itc%en' %is %air messy from a day of sleepin$ and c%illin$* #oo fuc1in$ cute* He's e)en "earin$ %is pa2amas* .(%at're you doin$ up' baby/. %elp %im up to sit on t%e counter* .3ou s%ould be restin$ "it% 7ommy*. Feelin$ %is fore%ead' 'm $lad it doesn't feel %ot anymore* He %ad a sli$%t fe)er t%is mornin$* At t%e a$e of se)en' #in1s and se)en* .7ommy and Auntie 7ary's mo)ie is so borin$'. %e mumbles and drops %is fore%ead to my c%est* "al1 #a:/. .&orry' bud'. murmur* .3ou need to stay indoors,it's too cold outside*. %ate bein$ sic1' Daddy*. c%uc1le and 1iss t%e top of %is %ead* .Can are rarely allo"ed to baby %im' but "%en

%e's sic1 "e %a)e free rein* t "as actually 2ust t"o "ee1s a$o %e turned

He pouts* .6$%* . 1no"*. "%at

touc% %is c%ee1* .But you're $ettin$ better' ri$%t/. A s%ru$ is can't blame %im* As a 1id' you don't "ant to

$et in response' and

"ait for anyt%in$' re$ardless of "%et%er it is your little sister's arri)al or t%e ne9t &aturday "%en you're allo"ed to eat candy* And spea1in$ of4 t's actually &aturday today' not t%at my son isn't painfully a"are' but maybe t%at's %o" can c%eer %im up* .Hey,. $ently bump my fore%ead

"it% %is .,if you promise not to tell 7ommy' 'll $i)e you one c%ocolate bar before dinner*. #%at sure does it* (%ile %e's munc%in$ on a Hers%ey bar' t%e butter and curry* Appro9imately fifteen minutes later' Daddy's borin$ "%en %e coo1s' so add all t%e )e$etables into t%e stoc1 %elp %im do"n from t%e counter' "ipe %a)e a beer "it% 8mmett and

tal1 about not%in$ in particular as "e "ait for t%e )e$etables to soa1 up

pot' not for$ettin$ to lo"er t%e %eat to a simmer* Nat%an also deems t%at %is mout% of c%ocolate' and send %im off to t%e li)in$ room a$ain* .He loo1s more and more li1e you e)ery day'. 8mmett c%uc1les* si$% contentedly and lean bac1 a$ainst t%e 1itc%en island' eyes focused on Nat%an's retreatin$ form* He really does loo1 more and more li1e me* . %ope Alice "ill ta1e after #in1s' t%ou$%*. smile and tip bac1 my beer*

(%en "e found out "e "ere %a)in$ a baby $irl4 1esus Christ. "on't lie@ $ot a little emotional*

remember feelin$ t%e same "armt% tin$lin$ its "ay t%rou$% my body' muc% li1e t%is time' felt "%en found out #in1s "as pre$nant "it% Nat%an* +nly didn't %a)e to run didn't %a)e to s%o)e any feelin$s a"ay@

a"ay or pus%*

ac1no"led$ed e)ery emotion,embraced t%em* =C38=

Anot%er t"enty minutes and some fussin$ o)er our "i)es later' 8mmett and are more t%an ready to $et t%is s%it o)er "it%* Not t%at coo1in$ is t%at fuc1in$ %orrible' but "e're seriously star)in$ %ere*

.8mmett;. #in1s calls as 8mmett fro"ns* .A$ain/.

s0uee:e a lemon into a bo"l*

#in1s ans"ers in affirmati)e' and 8m "al1s out of t%e 1itc%en to tend to 7ary' "%o started $ettin$ sic1er a minute a$o* +r more correctly: fifteen minutes a$o* Literally' s%e 2ust fle" off t%e couc% and ran to t%e bat%room to pu1e %er $uts out* But don't "anna t%in1 about t%at "%en t%e cabin smells t%is

fuc1a"esome* >ust as pour fi)e tablespoons of lemon 2uice into t%e soup' t%at %ot "ife

of mine enters t%e 1itc%en* &%e's ta1en to "earin$ my clot%es' muc% to my coc1's deli$%t* No"' for instance' s%e's "earin$ a pair of $rey s"eats and a blac1 t-s%irt* Alt%ou$%' s%e also %as a blan1et "rapped around %er* .(%at's "ron$ "it% people t%ese days/. s%oot %er a "ry smile* .First

Nate' and no" you* s restin$ so fuc1in$ bad/. .3ou're t%e same "%en you're sic1' you 1no"'. s%e points out and $rins c%ee1ily* Li1e Nate' #in1s li1es to sit on t%e counter' and' a$ain li1e Nate' s%e can't $et up on %er o"n* Not no" "%en s%e's all belly* .7aybe it's a Cullen t%in$' t%en/. frid$e* +nce t%ere' "in1 at %er before %eadin$ to t%e

$rab t%e crQme fraRc%e and anot%er beer for me*

also a $rab a bottle of multi)itamin 2uice for #in1s* .#%an1s*. &%e smiles and accepts t%e bottle* .3ea%,. s%e nods and c%uc1les a little .,a Cullen t%in$ for sure* Nate and .3ou "ould*. blame you*.

snort and c%ec1 t%e soup* #%e recipe says' . It's important assume t%at's a rule to follo"*

that the soup isn't boiling when you add the crMme "raNche) ' and t%e "ords are underlined li1e a t%ousand times* &o'

.Ho"'s 7ary' by t%e "ay/. %ope you don't catc% it*.

as1 and add t%e one cup of crQme fraRc%e* .

fro"n' "orried*

.+%' ')e already cau$%t it*. &%e snic1ers* .But t%at "as se)eral mont%s a$o* Any"ay,. s%e t"ists %er body and opens t%e small "indo" o)er t%e sin1 ., 2ust came %ere to open t%is* appreciate it*. 'm confused* .(%at' fres% air/. .3ep*. &%e nods and $runts as "%ale*. .3ou're %ot as fuc1'. tell %er matter-of-factly* Dippin$ do"n' nu::le t%e %elp %er do"n* #%en a $i$$le*. 'm a %a)e a feelin$ 7ary's $onna

spot be%ind %er ear and "%isper' .And beautiful' $or$eous' fuc1in$ se9y*. .Fuc1'. s%e moans 0uietly* .3ou and me later' %ubby,you do all t%e "or1*. lau$% and "atc% as s%e returns to t%e li)in$ room* ')e learned t%at #in1s is a %orny mess "%en s%e's pre$nant' but s%e %ates t%at s%e can't mo)e around li1e s%e usually does* But you "on't find me complainin$* (aitin$ for 8mmett to $et %is ass bac1 %ere' #%en focus on stirrin$ t%e soup

to ma1e sure t%e crQme fraRc%e dissol)es* +r melts or "%ate)er it does* add t%e last "ritten in$redient' "%ic% is dill* A little less t%an a tablespoon* For t%e final ten minutes' 1eep t%e %eat on lo"*

taste it and add a little salt and blac1 pepper* An e9tra teaspoon or so curry' too* And "%en it's all said and done' 8mmett decides %e "ants to return*

.5erfect timin$ for you'. "it% %im* . t's all done*.

mutter sarcastically' pretendin$ to be annoyed

.(omen are fuc1in$ "eird'. is all %e %as to say* .(%at/. He s%a1es %is %ead and ta1es a s"i$ from %is beer* .7ary's suddenly decided t%at s%e doesn't li1e curry anymore*. He loo1s incredulous* .&%e lo%es curry' man* (%at t%e fuc1 is up "it% t%at' %u%/. 7y bro"s furro"* But yea%' t%en it 1inda %its me,"%at #in1s said before* ).h, I'%e already caught it. 'ut that was se%eral months ago.) 'm $uessin$ about ei$%t mont%s a$o' in fact* .+%' dude'. c%uc1le and s0uee:e %is s%oulder* . 'm $onna en2oy t%is 1eep c%uc1lin$' "%ic%

little moment %ere "%ile "e set t%e table* C'mon*. 2ust confuses 8mmett e)en more*

'm %appy for my buddy@ %is "is% is about to come true*