The Anglo Week

The School’s first quality weekly

Issue 1, 28/04/2008

Editor: Mr. S
DISCLAIMER: The events and people depicted herein are fictitious, any similarity to real places or people, living or dead is en-
tirely coincidental. By reading this paper or looking at any images held therein, you are forfeiting your right to criticise or take of-
fense at it. The Anglo Week and all its contributors hold no responsibility nor interest in any of your petty minded complaints.

Gambling in our school We’re NUT

Gambling destroys our chil-
dren and undermines our
communities. This disease
working
has found its way into the
very heart of local commu-
nity.
today
Thursday 24th April marked a historic
Every so often, a group of students
day for the country. A day when NUT
will grow weary of the day to day
members far and wide gathered to
study which is imposed upon strike out against pay cuts. The strike
them. Some will drift into pubs or action came after weeks of advanced
drugs or if they are feeling particu- planning and authorisation and had a
larly low they will watch the Jeremy clear and reasonable goal from the
Kyle show. However sometimes a outset.
worse plight is brought upon Many teachers chose to take to the
them. Gambling. streets in peaceful protest as a means of
This is of course an irrelevant side speaking out against this heinous injus-
tice. The figure offered by the govern-
track on my exposure of the 500
ment of 2.45% comes far below the
club. For those innocent minded
NUT’s demand of 4%.
readers who are unaware of what
this evil system operating behind It may not have been supported by any
your backs in your name is, I shall of the other four teaching unions and
and repay some back to parents in the form of prizes. This sick condemned by the government but that
explain. ‘bookie’ role the school has taken withstands despite the harsh had little to no effect on the NUT
The school encourages parents to rules rightly placed upon the students in regard to gambling, members’ resolve.
set up a standing order of £20 a bringing whole new meaning to ‘those who can’t, teach’. Continued on page 3
year from which they take a cut

Castro quote of the week

I am not a communist At the risk of sounding ri-
and neither is the revolu- diculous, let me say that the
tionary movement. true revolutionary is guided
by feelings of love.
Page 2 The Anglo Week

A book review: The King James Bible

Guest Contributor

Starts a little bit slow. Builds up a bit in too much of a cliff hanger ending. (Which
the middle, and no-one really wins in the seems like a plan for the next edition).
A good book for those interested in the
end. Trust me. Feels like it’s missing bits Also the first bit is obviously plagiarized
eternal condemnation genre. For those
of detail, and some of it is perhaps a little off the Pentateuch, and the Gospels are a
fascinated also check out, the Torah, the
‘out there’. The characters are not par- bit same-y.
ticularly deep, and the story jumps “the Paul Also the Paul
Koran, the Hadith, Joseph Smith’s books
and Jesus Christ Superstar for a different
around a bit. Not something that should
really be a holiday read, even if you find
character character
seems pushy.
take on a similar theme.

it in your hotel free. It is a book that con-

tains something for all the family though,
seems pushy” Obviously writ-
ten in the past,
I look forward to my excommunication.
Come and get me Ratzinger.
for dad the action, for the kids the violent since nowa-
stories, and for mum a little bit of ro- days we’d have A book review: Dan Brown’s Da Vinci
mance (prostitute), child-rape and prop- more taste than Code
erty law. to publish someone’s mail. In some parts
It’s shit.
it’s a little gloomy, especially if you’re a
heathen. (Which most of us seem to be)
Wouldn’t transfer well to movies, and has

Readers’ letters: Submit your own

This weeks star letter

Suppressed proletariat masses, hail comrades!

The time is right for revolution; Rise up, cripple the two-headed monster and its vile conformist children! This day, we rid our-
selves of the bourgeois curse and decide our own destiny!

The corrupt authorities and their harsh immoral policies have plagued us for too long! How many times have we been hushed
in our study room, OUR STUDY ROOM! How many times must we be repressed in our common room, OUR COMMON
ROOM! The place where we should be communing and creating thunderous noise through our veneration of the great, noble
and intelligent mortal Gods of our battered and decadent history: Mau, Stalin, Del Castro!

This magnificent day, we have the chance to remove the conformist laws and obliterate the social conditioning that prevents us
from achieving our true will. If one should want to marry a horse, then are they to stop one?

Furthermore, let us not blind ourselves against the increasing imperialistic actions of the greedy two-headed monster. A worry-
ing number of new buildings, an increasing number of students and, we have recently discovered, PE lessons will be shortly
increased threefold. Who does this compare to? That’s right… the devil himself: Hitler! Hitler did exactly the same with PE les-
sons in German schools! What shall the monster do with this large mass of strong… soldiers? Send them to the frontline in or-
der to expand their vicious control!

ACT NOW! Take the initiative and burn, break, annihilate our common enemy. Take the power of freedom and equality and
decide our future!

Yours sincerely,

A. Mann
Issue 1, 28/04/2008 Page 3

Would three heads be better than two?

By Ms Y

Would (x + 1) Heads be better than the Mathematically speaking the number of

currently, lowly, x. Yes, I’ll say they head teachers has no limit, but since real-
would. In fact I can see no logical limita- istically speaking not everyone is quite
tion to the sheer number of management able of pulling off part of the job of a
staff the school can take. regular head teacher we probably need
settle for a forum of head teachers. A
head-staff senate, where they can decide
each of the rules for the plebeians, set
Why though would we stop there, surely
their own pay, hire frightening manage-
then two deputy head boys are better
ment staff, and then eventually retire to a
than one? Surely two teachers per class full head teacher's worth of pension each.
are better than one. Maybe go entirely
crazy and have two pupils per textbook.
This article was written with recycled
In fact ideally, they would build two
arguments.
schools, and each run one.

Work-shy free-loaders want time off when

they should be teaching A collaboration article with Mr. S and Ms. Y

Continued from page 1 figure). The latter being less reliable be- Plus let’s face it, teachers only work 32
cause of its heavy weighting towards fuel, weeks a year and it’s not like they have to
To take a slightly different slant, now this is the ease of manipulation of housing costs, do anything complicated. With exams get-
no longer a front page article, perhaps the lack of any revision and the lack of ting easier and the curriculum getting
they should get to work. After all 2.45% is inclusion of education costs. On the whole, shorter, there really are more and more
greater than the 2% increase for all other the CPI is more generally used globally people that can take a two week course to
civil servants and public workers, includ- and is used as the governments target for become a teacher.
ing the armed forces, the police, NHS staff inflation. Whichever figure you look at, Why then should they get a 4% pay in-
etc. But do the doctors and nurses strike, you will find an inflation value below 4%.
crease, a number which was seemingly
even though they’re battling disease in Since Labour came to power, teacher’s pulled out of the thin air. It’s not like we
NHS hospitals, riddled with MRSA? No, pay has already gone up in real terms by a haven’t just heard that a record number of
because if they did people would die. Do fifth. students can’t read or write, or that 20% of
the police strike, after battling crack heads students won’t be entered for the core
and chavs day in and day out? No, because subjects at GCSE because they’re too
criminals would roam the streets. Do the thick.
army strike, battling armed insurgents?
Now it would be unfair to leave this article
No, because it would be dereliction of duty
with solely negative views in it, so I invite
and they would be promptly dismissed.
any teachers or any pupils who were
So why, I hear the masses screaming, have forced out of THEIR school, paid for by
the teachers taken a full day away from THEIR and THEIR PARENTS TAXES, a cou-
battling with childhood illiteracy and occa- ple of weeks before THEIR SATS, GCSEs
sionally teenage violence (which on both OR A-LEVELS, to write in and tell us of
counts, they seem to be losing abysmally), your views. Please leave any responses to
in order to protest to the government. Well this or any other article pinned to the no-
the answer is simple, money. This is not a tice board and we will do our utmost to
suggestion that all teachers are in their Of course, this comes at a poor time. With acquire them before someone else does.
profession merely for the money, they’d jobs in the heart of the capital in the pri-
have to be quite oblivious if they were. vate sector more at risk, (40000 likely
However the stated reason for this strike losses according to JP Morgan), and peo-
was a ‘below inflation pay increase. ple in that sector with uncertain job secu-
Inflation is 2.5% according to the CPI rity and an unsure economic climate likely
(Consumer Price Index) general inflation to have greater difficulty gaining a mort-
figure. (This approaches 3.8% year on gage, teachers only had to sit back and
year when looking at the less reliable RPI enjoy the relative ease.
Page 4 The Anglo Week

Baka by Jam

Crossword Coming soon to a youtube.com near you

Quiz
What is the name of this shape?

A — A triangle
B — A special trapezium
C — An n-sided shape, where n-3 of the
sides are equal to 0

FIND A PICTURE OF KARL MARX to win a special prize

Answers to Quiz — All answers are apparently true

Issue 1, 28/04/2008 Page 5

Test the nation

By Mr. S

Over the last few weeks the sixth form mental assessments, however is there
students have been subjected to vari- really any merit in spending one hour
ous tests which would not be mis- of our valuable study time to pander
placed in criminal profiling. The first to the demented whims of whichever
of these was the ALIS test, a thorough sociologist came up with this ‘Belvin’
twenty five minute rummage through test? Is it reasonable to call it learning
the respective intelligences of the when we while away one hours worth
Anglo students which led this reporter of our lives answering questions
to ask the question ‘Can a person’s which are vaguer than Mr. Bryant’s
brain be analysed to any real extent hairline to finally be rewarded with a
through testing their ability to map a reiteration of the answers we gave?
dice or is it merely a ten minute exer- Perhaps this has been an unfair ap-
cise suitable for a nine year old to praisal, perhaps there is some worth
occupy the students temporarily?’. to this test, maybe everyone in the
This test of course was not alone. No World can be categorized into a hand-
sooner had we finished completing ful of groups and thus everybody must
fun geometrical patterns, than we have about six hundred million peo-
were thrust into another engaging ple with whom they are intellectually
piece of citizenship. It’s not that I’m identical, though it seems highly
particularly against mind-invading unlikely.

Horoscopes*
Aquarius Pisces Aries Taurus Gemini Cancer
This week will hold Someone will ask you This is your only You are a strong The stars tell me of Your stars hold bad
some challenges for to do something opportunity to do confident person, terrible things in your omens, but with a
you maybe you’ll which you are this week, so you’d who probably has a future, but why worry star sign like Cancer,
have to climb some- uncomfortable with better do it right or vague idea of how about that when real that should be pretty
thing, I don’t know. this week , but I you may end up this week is going to people are probably obvious, I mean
Do not fear take it suppose you’ll have ruining next week pan out, therefore slagging you off you’d find the
one step at a time, or to get use to it. See and then the whole this was a waste of behind your back as hidden message if
two if you’re in a previous for more thing comes tumbling time. Thanks for you read this? your star sign was
hurry. advice. down etc. reading. called ‘renal failure’.

Leo Virgo Libra Scorpio Sagittarius Capricorn

This week will bring This week is a necessary This week will The name of your star There’s no way out of Chaos theory states
events, some good, step in your progres- probably be the same sign would suggest that this week. Unless you that because tiny
some bad, with any sion to next week. So as all the others for you have some similar- count the easy way variations of matter
luck they’ll balance in that spirit just get on you. Maybe you’ll ity with a venomous, out. It would be can lead to vastly
with it and if you want carnivorous arachnid.
each other out and find a cool leaf or perfectly reasonable different outcomes
some self-affirming Take a long hard look
you can float through something. Maybe to take the easy way any string of events is
notions which will help in a mirror and see the
this week on a cloud you through the next
your life will get out. I’ll turn away theoretically possible,
truth, these names
of indifference seven days, go bother better, but for now now if you want to thus refuting horo-
mean e ss e n t i a l l y
your friends. I’d imagine it sucks. nothing. do so. scopes etc.

*Disclaimer: The Anglo Week, including its editors and writers, accept no responsibility if the above events do, or do not, occur to you for we regard it as complete bullshit

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Page 6 The Anglo Week

Sport Improvised by Mr. S

Webster’s dictionary defines sport as “That which diverts, and makes mirth; pastime; amusement”. With this in mind your
wish to read the following page of sport analysis is most likely driven by a desire to divert yourself from something or pass time.
It all sounds pretty empty, nonetheless...

Football
Recent weeks have shown an increase dure is to raise ones arms in the air thing to do with pigs’ stomachs. Here
in the number of people who are play- and swear blindly at the other players. are some recent football results.
ing football matches. For those un- Similar rules apply in the event of one 0—0
aware football is ball game centred player harmlessly brushing past an-
mostly around the foot, as well as in- other, although it is also common- 1—0
cluding a net, pitch and about 22 sexu- place for both players to dive to the 2—1
ally frustrated men. A standard football ground clutching their limbs. Once
6—3
game will end in a win, loss, draw or the fastest (or in Manchester United’s
brawl. The object of the game for each case, ugliest) player has the ball, they 2—2
player is to pass the ball to the slightly then kick blindly at a net. Therein lies 1—1
faster players. Should the ball be inter- the genius game of football, a sport
cepted during a pass, standard proce- designed to give poor people some- 3—2

Running etc.
The fact that the London marathon had to do the run in full armour but I didn’t have to go through the rigma-
can now be completed by overweight definitely saw some people dressed up role of getting sponsorship and have to
middle aged accountants really does as pirates and trophies and even one undergo a health check before being
beg the question of what was that crazy guy who dressed up as a 101-year- allowed to do it.
pansy Greek soldier talking about old man. Perhaps we should have some
when he collapsed on the streets of sympathy, after all he had just fought
Athens all those years ago. Perhaps he off 25,000 Persians but still at least he

Misc. Kidnapped horse makes daring

reappearance to celebrate the
Golf Polo Good Friday Agreement
This guy got a ball and hit it dead far Not to be mistaken with the crippling The famous race horse Shergar recently made
with a stick until it went in a hole. That viral infection. Polo is a game involving
a press release that he had decided to come
event could have been a lot shorter but horses but apparently they don’t jump out of hiding for a short time to celebrate the
he chose to do it over a period of 3½ over anything and you’re not supposed ten year anniversary of the good Friday agree-
hours. Face it golf fans, it’s boring. to bet on individual horses. ment. Long thought dead the horse revealed
that it had orchestrated his kidnapping to
Motorsport Croquet avoid the pressures of the modern horse
Yesterday cars were revealed to do seri- I think this is the one that involves frivo- world. Shergar, 30, claims that he worked in
ous damage to the environment by re- lous misuse of a hammer and has far too collaboration with the IRA to escape his
lease of dangerous gases and noxious many rules for what is fundamentally owner’s grasp. Masquerading as the Rt. Hon.
fumes. Sources say that motorsport driv- golf for rich twats. Ian Paisley for the last 25 years, Shergar was
ers were ‘uninterested’. very happy to see the dispute come to a rea-
sonable end.
Tennis Motocross
We lost What? Can’t afford a real car?