Fionnuala's Reviews > The Third Policeman

This review has been removed by the Conformity Police
According to our legal advisers, the review matches the forbidden category of ‘non-review’ in all relevant aspects and has therefore been placed in review detention. The definition of a 'non-review' is one that is not in conformity, i.e., departs from the accepted form in some legal or moral manner.
For a guide to conformity, see Footnote 1.

We consider that 'non-reviews' interfere with their books in highly suspect ways. They lift their layers and peer into their intimate places in a lascivious manner. They fiddle with the inner workings of books and remove entire sections with the aim of remodeling them to suit various illicit purposes. Such shameless fondling of a book’s pages we condemn outright. It is unacceptable that a book and its review should be allowed to fraternize so closely that what was intrinsic to the book is found to have migrated to the review leading to instability in the review world and major confusion for all concerned.

Furthermore, such reviews have a tendency to strike out for a personal life independent of the system that supports them. This, needless to say, can not be allowed. We believe that the only solution is to arrest the offending review and detain it indefinitely in a place where it can cause no further confusion to book or reader.

‘Non-reviews’ of this type have been allowed to circulate on the highways and byways of Goodreads County for far too long. According to our figures, more than half the reviews posted in recent times fit this category, and of the rest, at least fifty percent are leaning perilously close to the same dangerous tendency. Of the remainder, an unfortunately large proportion are deemed to be seriously unstable so that by our calculations, the actual amount of conforming reviews today is so minuscule as to be almost invisible. Drastic measures are called for if we are to succeed in our aim of erradicating this ‘non-review’ phenomenon completely and restoring the status of the one, true and approved review format (see Footnote 1).

By posting this proclamation in place of the 'non-review' (and here it must be stated that the Third Policeman is in no way to blame for the particularly immoral 'non-review' it inspired), we hope to have cancelled out its pernicious effects which, had they been allowed to be disseminated, would have caused untold miscegenation in the reviewing world for years to come. That this innocent book should have been the object of so absurd an attempt on its virtue is in itself absurd and only underlines the utmost necessity of our intervention in this matter.

We advise our loyal supporters to read this proclamation and then move on silently as they have always done in the past, leaving no trace of their passage. We know we can depend on their absolute discretion in this matter. Others are strongly advised to do the same. This review box is now locked and access to it is denied to all unauthorised persons. The 'like' button and 'comment' function are likewise off limits. Trespassers beware.

Proviso: Those who press the 'like' button without having read the review will be treated fairly if they can bring forward sufficient evidence to that effect. Otherwise a test of non-knowledge may have to be administered. Questions along the lines of 'What do you not know about 'non-reviews'?' and 'Is it about a bicycle?' are being devised.

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Footnote 1.
The Accepted Form: the review will contain a short synopsis of the plot, it will include the words ‘compelling’, ‘intriguing’ and ‘fresh viewpoint’, and it will finish with a short summary of what has been stated already. The briefest contact with the book will be sufficient to provide these elements, and no unwarranted interference with the book's intimate spaces need result. The benefits of such reviews for readers include being able to give an opinion about a book's plot without the necessity of reading it for themselves, leading to considerable saving of time and effort.