emma's Reviews > Breaking Dawn

Congratulations to Breaking Dawn for being the first book in human history to be so long both emotionally and physically that its length is measured in centuries and tears of boredom shed rather than pages.

In other words: Snooze.

Does anyone remember why I decided to reread this series? Was it masochism? Self-hatred? The desire to review every book I've ever read? Divine punishment?

Whatever it was, that sh*t hurted.

I don't LOVE to hate-read things - I am still definitively a part of the population of people who do not enjoy consuming content that is bad - but I’ve been known to have a problematic fave or two in my time.

The first Twilight book, for example...if it hits me at the right time...when the tide is out and the moon is waning and the temperature is precisely that thing where it feels exactly like nothing...sometimes I have fun with it.

But now I can confirm that any such experience with books 2 through 4 is impossible.

This is just so boring.

Also, it’s dumb. Everyone has heard of Renesmee, the half-human half-vampire baby who is totally one of a kind (in having the world’s worst name, I mean. The monster creation part pales in comparison to that). She grows up crazy fast, and within a few days is big as hell and has shoulder length hair. Bella’s first thought upon seeing that child?

“She looks weeks, if not months old.”

You know. All those weeks-old babies with a long bob.

Plus there’s this vampire warzone party, where the previously completely unsociable Cullens suddenly have 847 friends, and all of them are boring and also sometimes racist. My personal favorite is Garrett, who inexplicably is supposed to have a mysterious past even as he says things as obvious as “‘The redcoats are coming, the redcoats are coming,’ Garrett muttered mysteriously to himself and then chuckled once.”

And let’s not forget the grand prize winner of cringe, the pièce de résistance, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Bella and Edward finally swiping each other’s V-cards after hundreds of pages of moral pontificating and aggressive Mormon messaging from the immortal man himself.

I wanted to jump into this book and wring Edward’s marble neck myself. And then give Bella a reality check beatdown while I’m there.

Like. Imagine your boyfriend makes you MARRY him before you can get that d*ck and then once you’re on YOUR HONEYMOON he screws you once and then spends the rest of the time purposefully trying to tire you out so you won’t try to, gasp, have sex with your husband.

Also don’t even get me started on the hit-you-over-the-head anti-choice messaging in here.

I just convinced myself to drop this baby down to a one star rating.

Bottom line: If you want to brush up on your Mormon rhetoric in a tome that’s somehow just as dry and boring as the actual religious texts while also including vampires...have I got the book for you.

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pre-review

if i were stephenie meyer, i simply would have written this series to be less problematic and boring. no offense to her but i'm different

review to come / 2 stars probably

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currently-reading updates

HOW IS THIS BOOK SO LONG.

i feel like i've lived a thousand lifetimes within its pages and i'm not even at the halfway mark

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when i was in fourth grade there was this kid in my class who wore a twilight shirt EVERY DAY that said "life sucks, then you die." not sure which is more impressive now: that he read this 750-page book at 9 years old or that he'd settled into nihilism so early in life

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tbr review

my mom didn't let me read this book until i turned 13. it was because of the sex stuff but i prefer to think it was because of the imprinting-on-a-baby thing