Viz Magazine

[email protected] □ “OUR HOUSE, in the middle of the street,” sang popular North London ska band Madness in the eighties. But I can’t imagine they were particularly popular with local residents if they had a house blocking the middle of the road. If

INSTEAD of having your wife’s name on a tattoo, just have one that says ‘The Mrs’ Instead. This will avoid any awkwardness in the event that you divorce and marry someone else. Jack Spratt, Stourbridge SAVE money when eating out at restaurants by hav

TAKE advantage of any major storm that hits by throwing all your unwanted rubbish in your neighbours’ gardens. Geordie Pete, Reading SAVE money on a Hall of Mirrors by being 4’ 3”, 35 stone, and having a very pointed head. Michael Thompson, North Wal

The first appearance of soup on the silver screen was in LAUREL AND HARDY’s 1928 silent comedy From Soup to Nuts. Working as waiters at anupper-class dinner party, cack-handed Stan spills hot broth over Ollie’s shoes as a title card reads: “Watch whe

AS AN ANTI-WOKE firebrand, I steadfastly refuse to kneel, due to kneeling’s toxic association with the Stalinist #BlackLivesMatter movement. So if I went Woke For A Day, I’d take the opportunity to do all the kneeling-based chores I haven’t been able

5 I DON’T think the Olympic downhill skiers ought to be allowed to thwack those sticks out of the way during their race. If I was in charge, instead of being bendy, I’d make them out of steel pipe and concrete them in. Then they’d have to go round th

I RECENTLY went on the ouija board, and I started talking to somebody whose name began with B. We got along great and I’ve contacted him many times since. But recently when I’ve gone on the ouija and asked if there’s anybody there, there isn’t. Last

…I’VE always loved Pavarotti, so being trapped with him for 2 hours in a lift would be wonderful. It would be a bit of a squeeze, as I weigh 28 stone, as does he, which may explain why the lift broke in the first place. And I imagine he wouldn’t be a

Q. I’M HEALTH CONSCIOUS and I understand that you burn more calories taking the stairs than if you use a lift. But the stairs in the block of flats where I live reek of piss and I’m reluctant to take them. Would I burn just as many calories if I were