Out of the Enemy’s Camp: From Death to Life

Copyright © 2021 Kyla Benjamin.

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ISBN: 978-1-6642-3549-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6642-3539-7 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-6642-3548-9 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2021910576

WestBow Press rev. date: 06/24/2021

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by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

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Dedicated to

God

Lisa

Glen

Tim

Cheryl

And all the parents who are praying for their kids,

I pray this gives you hope.

Contents

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Chapter 1 Life as a Child

Chapter 2 Starting Over

Chapter 3 Basketball

Chapter 4 Growing Up

Chapter 5 Girlfriends

Chapter 6 Counseling

Chapter 7 Downward Spiral

Chapter 8 High School

Chapter 9 Men in My Life

Chapter 10 The Divorce

Chapter 11 Kicked Out

Chapter 12 College

Chapter 13 Alaska

Chapter 14 New Direction

Chapter 15 Party

Chapter 16 Finishing School

Chapter 17 Homeless

Chapter 18 Breakthrough

Chapter 19 Life after Christ

Chapter 20 Identity

Chapter 21 Forgiveness and Restoration

Chapter 22 Where Was God?

Chapter 23 Moving to Idaho

Chapter 24 Labels

Epilogue

Acknowledgments

Thank You, Jesus Christ, for Your unfailing love and Your constant pursuit for my soul.

Thank you, Mom, Glen, Dad and Cheryl for never giving up on me, for encouraging me, and for always speaking truth to me. Thank you, Veronica, for praying for me throughout my life and mentoring me at the start of my walk with Jesus. Thank you to my best friend, Whitney, for sticking in my life for twenty-four years and always encouraging me, pushing me, and being a shoulder to cry on and a friend who is more like a sister. Thank you to my sweet cousin, Emily, for your love for Jesus and your obedience to the Holy Spirit. Thank you for your discernment, for being my biggest support throughout this entire journey, and for always speaking truth in love. Thank you, Steven, Logan, and Zack for teaching me boldness, equipping me to do the work of Christ, and showing me pure brotherly love. Thank you, Greg and Mony, for praying for me, discipling me, and warring with me in Spirit. And thank you to all who never gave up on me but continued to lift up countless prayers on my behalf. Your love and support means more to me than you will ever know.

Introduction

I’ve spent hours in my room wondering where God was. I’ve cried out to Him, but all I heard was my own selfish desires. Where is my girlfriend? I need to get high. I was stuck in a rut, a never-ending cycle of running, running from the one who knew the very depths of my soul—my heavenly Father, my Creator, Jesus Christ.

I was born August 13, 1993, in Fairbanks, Alaska. Alaskan Native I was not, but I am native Alaskan. Figure that one out. My dad was a full-time engineering student at the University of Alaska Fairbanks, and my mom was working full-time at the college. My older brother was five years old, and two years after I was born, my parents conceived my little sister. It was not too long after she was born that we packed the five of us up and made the long trek to Hot Springs, Arkansas. Little did I know, my life was about to change forever. I wish I could say that we lived a perfect and happy life, but that wasn’t the case. Before getting to where I am today, I experienced a life consumed by abuse, addiction, lust, and confusion. This is my story—my story about where I came from, what I went through, and how my Father, Creator of the heavens and earth, encountered me and called me home from the enemy’s camp. This is my story of redemption.

He is so rich in kindness and grace that He purchased our freedom with the blood of His Son and forgave our sins.

—Ephesians 1:7 New Living Translation (NLT)

Chapter 1

Life as a Child

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was formless and empty, and darkness covered the deep waters.

—Genesis 1:1–2 (NLT)

I lived in darkness for about fifteen years of my life. The darkness made it feel as if I were in isolation in prison, curled up in the fetal position, scared and alone. Sure, I had family around, friends in and out of my life, and school and sports that would at times cause me to snap into reality, but most of the time, I was just going through the motions of life, not really living. Within the span of five years, I was sexually abused, my parents divorced, and I was forced to leave the only community I knew, move back to Alaska with my mom, and create a new life. I stood and watched as my life began to crumble around me. Bitterness and anger began to dig their talons into my heart and running away became an outlet that I still find myself struggling with even today.

The downward spiral into darkness began when I was in grade school. I was betrayed by someone I trusted, and it continued for about five years. I didn’t know that what was happening was wrong, but I did know I was not supposed to say anything to anyone. It became a routine that I got used to, and I thought that it was normal.

Because of the door that was opened to me, I found myself to be a very sexual kid before I even knew what sex was. I would often play house with other kids and regularly play the role of a male. I remember when I was around the age of eight, I would have sleepovers at a friend’s house, and we would stay up all night, making out with each other. I do not know if I fully understood what I was doing or if I was just imitating what I had been taught. Either way, I was intrigued by the way I felt when making out with a girl, and it left lasting impressions in my subconscious that resurfaced when I was old enough to understand.

Being a male was desirable to me. I was the type of girl who grew up making mudpies, digging in the dirt for worms, and working outside with my dad with my shirt off because I wanted to be just like him. I remember when I was about ten years old, I was at school, and we were having a routine tornado drill. Being in Arkansas, we experienced quite a few tornados during spring, so my school took extra precautions in equipping the students with the knowledge of what to do in case we ever had one. As we were hunkered down against the wall with our heads tucked between our legs, reality faded away, and I remember squeezing my eyes so tightly and whispering to myself, When I open my eyes, I will be a boy. I remember being so disappointed when I opened my eyes, and I was still a girl. I closed my eyes again, and I begged God to make me a boy. I was a broken child, desperately crying out for help.

I hated being a girl. I didn’t fit in; I did boy things, such as play football during recess, had crushes on girls, and wore boys’ clothes. I was comfortable playing the boy in every situation, so I thought that for sure I was supposed to be a boy. The first label that spoke to my identity was tomboy. I have to say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a tomboy, but what people did not know was that they were speaking into the false identity that the enemy whispered in my ear at birth, and that false identity was homosexual.

I never understood why I wanted to be a boy, so I figured, Well, God made me this way. I was born a mistake. Then one day, God revealed why I believed I was a mistake. If I were a boy, maybe my dad would have stayed with my mom. Or if I were a boy, maybe I would fit in better. Or maybe if I were a boy, I would have never been sexually abused.

I saw that being a girl was weak, vulnerable, and exposed, and I hated feeling vulnerable. I did all that I could not to allow emotions such as sadness, tenderness, and love to come out.

I had two switches, joy and anger. Joy allowed me to appear normal, and anger kept me from feeling vulnerable. I thought that if I were a boy, I would have been strong, hidden, and able to fit in. I realize now that God created me just the way I am; He did not make a mistake when I was in my mother’s womb.

You formed my innermost being, shaping my delicate inside and my intricate outside, and wove them all together in my mother’s womb … You even formed every bone in my body when you created me in the secret place, carefully, skillfully shaping me from nothing to something. You saw who you created me to be before I became me! Before I’d ever seen the light of day, the number of days you planned for me were already recorded in your book.

—Psalm 139:13, 15–16 The Passion Translation (TPT)

Chapter 2

Starting Over

My mom moved to Alaska after the divorce was final, and I was forced to leave my best friend, Jessica, whom I had known since the age of three, behind. I was then thrown into a private Christian school with a total of one hundred kids in the school and twelve kids in my entire class. Not only was my new school a fragment of the size of my school in Arkansas, but my class was half of the size of my class in Arkansas. The kids I now attended school with had been together since pre-K, and here I was, an outcast. The abnormally tall tomboy with a thick country accent is how I was described by my peers.

I experienced bullying and isolation just as much as I did when I lived in Arkansas. I had thought things were going to be different. Quickly, I found out I was wrong. I learned that in order to survive emotionally and mentally, I couldn’t allow myself to get too attached to people because they would come in and out of my life like a revolving door. I would make new friends with an escape plan, prepared to flee when I felt as if they were starting to get too close.

I never really had friends in Alaska. I kept people at an arm’s length and I could not relate or fit in with the kids around me; so, two years later, I ran from my problems. I moved back to Arkansas to live with my dad.

Living with my dad was my escape plan. I remember thinking that my life would be better if I resided somewhere familiar, where my childhood friends were. Forgetting that I had to repeat the fourth grade when I went to Alaska,