World of Lost Souls

Chapter One

There has to be something I can do! I appealed to my husband regarding the chaos in Oakland. It was all my fault, and I was terrified that I was going to get someone I greatly respected and liked killed. She had been seriously injured the night before according to the report I was waving in emphasis.

The only intervention allowed is to call Kim a failure and remove her from her post, humiliating her, he snapped. Do you have so little faith in your decision? In her?

It's not that. But isn't this like them saying they don't trust my judgment? Can't I even go down and support her?

No. It is them testing her to see if she can hold them. And this is the last time you will bring it up. I am sick of hearing it! His eyes flashed at me, the blue chased back by his pupils, threatening. Oakland's internal war has darkened all of April, and I am done listening to you whine about it. It will play itself out. Stand by your decision, or pull her out and place Tyrone Moss in charge.

Tyrone isn't the right person for the job, I argued, setting down the tablet with the casualty report. No one had died this week, not permanently, but it had been a near thing last night.

Who is? Lukas demanded.

Kim, I answered weakly.

Then shut up and let her do her job, he said. I opened my mouth, but his eyes narrowed, and I dropped the subject.

I heard that Soto found a place in the Mexican Vampire Army as a lieutenant and already has a platoon assigned to him, I told him, hoping, again, that I had made the right decision with Kim. If I had made a mistake, she would have to step down... or die.

Yes? Lukas's expression changed, and he relaxed a bit.

Frank Soto's departure at the beginning of the month for the war in Mexico had been the catalyst for my current angst. When Mexico had initially withdrawn from the Truce in January, Soto had petitioned for leave to fight in the ensuing war between humans and vampires, but Lukas had denied the first request. When things were obviously not improving, he had let our Oakland guard captain go, leaving me in the unhappy position of replacing him. Kim Oswald had been a controversial choice, as there were many higher ranked options, but she was the best.

That is good news. He had hoped to get an officer commission in the infantry. He has the experience. Lukas's eyes were unfocused, far away. He had been chafing at domesticity lately, and it wasn't hard to guess why. With war so close, the itch to fight and the concern that it would spread here had to be eating at him. After all, if Mexico, which had signed the Truce only five years after the US, could back out over the war brewing to their south, what was to stop us from joining our own southern neighbors?

South America had always been divided on it. Venezuela, Peru and Chile outright refused to adopt it, while Argentina had gone back and forth for 50 years. Brazil had signed it in the early 90s. The west coast of the continent was fighting for control, and it wasn't going well for the humans.

I finished fixing the last details on Bonnie's house, Sarah announced, turning away from the computer. She let out a loud, relieved sigh. That's it. No more corrections. You can submit it to the contractors whenever.

Your last plans were fine, you know, I said, giving our wife a fond smile. She shrugged.

My best friend deserves better than 'fine,' Sarah said. Now it's the best. Or the best I can do anyway.

The best that you can do is better than most, Lukas said absently. Sarah shot him a nervous look and swallowed. He gave himself a little shake and turned to smile at her. It didn't make it to his eyes, but he was trying. Shall we hunt to celebrate?

Pulse again? Sarah asked. She stood up at the same time he did.

If you are not tired of it, he said tonelessly.

Lead the way, she said, her smile weak. He finally snapped out of it and walked over to kiss her. She took a shaky breath and let it out.

If St. John gets here before you're back, I'm going to go ahead with him, I informed Lukas. I picked up my laptop, needing to do my homework before it got any later.

Ask Garret to sit in the main house in case the children need anyone. Lukas was staring intently at Sarah's face as he spoke to me, and I wondered what was going through his head. Was he reminding himself not to neglect her for the sake of their previously damaged relationship? Was he reminding himself why he didn't just pack up and go fight? Both? Neither? More? Ugh. He was frustrating me so much.

I will, I agreed, though I would have done so anyway. My spouses walked over to kiss me good-bye before they left. I had eaten enough earlier not to need to do so again.

I didn't wait to text Garret and ask him to join me. He was sitting on the couch with me in less than two minutes, curled up with a book. He had moved into the guest house as soon as Ann St. John and her kids moved back home. He kept sending Bonnie rent money since he bailed on their lease, but she didn't seem to mind, especially when Lukas brought up building her a house. He didn't get to finish explaining before she had enthusiastically agreed.

Her dad had reacted as badly as she feared to Garret and had refused to speak to her until he moved out. She hadn't ever brought up that she was bisexual and now planned to keep it to herself for the rest of his life. She had told her mom—who I never got to meet—and she took it well but agreed that she shouldn't tell her dad. He was friendly again since she had assured him that Garret had moved out.

By my birthday earlier this year, Lukas had five new houses planned on our road. We had gotten the malfunctioning security system repaired, and Lukas had the whole house inspected for any sort of tampering. Thankfully, no one took advantage of the lapse in our coverage. Once we were as safe as we ever were once again, we started inviting people to build up our neighborhood. My mom appreciated the offer, but she had several friends on her street and was comfortable there. Vincent had been invited, but he wanted to continue learning autonomy for now. He also liked the real relationship that he and Lukas were developing. Lukas vacillated between enjoying it and being irritated by it.

Filomena teased us about not inviting her to move in, but she loved her privacy too much and was not particularly fond of children. Samiya thanked Lukas for not putting her in the uncomfortable position of declining. She was even more private than Filomena.

Lukas was considering a pet house to keep food nearby, but his annual budget was already in the red. He offered Katelyn her own house as a courtesy, but we all knew she'd decline. She liked being a live-in nanny.

Nate grumbled at me for not inviting him, so I did. I think he just wanted the opportunity to say that he didn't want to be surrounded by vampires. That was why I hadn't invited him in the first place, of course. Julian would have loved having Noah always nearby.

Construction had started in March. St. John's house was the biggest, as Lukas insisted on giving him enough room to grow his family. He had a two story, four bedroom Italian style house in the works. Ann cried when she saw the plans for it. They were living in a two bedroom apartment, and she hadn't ever expected to have a full house to themselves. St. John couldn't protest after seeing her reaction.

After Ann's visit, Lukas had talked to St. John about Sarah's idea to move everyone in closer together. St. John was in favor of it. While he supported the prevention of ghetto formations and easy mass-capture endeavors, he was uneasy living so far out from any other vampires. He also didn't feel Ann was protected enough when he was on patrol, especially since she was pregnant again. She'd found out while he was out of town. Talia was going to be a big sister this June.

Everyone else was getting two bedrooms. Garret and Bonnie were getting two bedrooms each for future pets. The fifth house had a yard situated 50' away from the rest of us and was for Adam and Polly. They were moving out here to help with Julian and be close to Garret. Adam didn't mind where he was as long as he had the buffer of space from other people's heads, and Polly missed Garret too much to turn down the offer.

They were both coming over illegally, but with their gifts and Lukas's money, immigration wouldn't be a problem. Ten minutes looking at US immigration stuff gave me enough of a headache to never want to deal with it. I assumed they felt the same way. I had no clue there were so many applicants. Garret had at least a twenty year wait before he could legally become a citizen if he was doing it by the book.

Nicky and Crystal wanted a small Spanish Eclectic style house. Bonnie's second bedroom would also allow for her family to visit occasionally. She told Sarah to go wild designing something contemporary and artsy. Garret wanted a cottage style with a tower on the side like on the castles back home. Both he and Bonnie wanted balconies with entrances to the house and master bedrooms on the top floor.

Sarah based her plans for Bonnie's house on the three others. She gave it a covered porch located under the main house. The master bedroom could only be accessed from the outside balcony, which she set up higher than most vampires could jump and covered with a downward swoop of curved roof so one couldn't just jump down to it. You had to be able to fly to get into it. You couldn't tell it wasn't a window from the ground, which made the balcony look decorative. She could use the second bedroom for booty calls or if she was too damaged to fly.

I had to admit that I was excited and happy to watch the houses go up. The idea of having our flock close together appealed to me more than I'd realized it would. I squeezed Garret's leg affectionately, and he patted my hand. If I didn't need to get this damn homework done tonight, I probably would have dragged him off to the bedroom by now. Not that I minded just cuddling while we did our own things, but all this flock togetherness had me running on a high. Until the Kim situation, no one had been able to bring me down, not even Mr. Battle Itch.

You done wi' that yet? Garret asked.

Almost. I was just thinking that it was too bad we don't have time to disappear for a bit, I told him.

To bed or out of town? he asked, closing his book on the scrap of green ribbon he was using for a bookmark.

Bed, I answered as I saved my work.

We could be late gannin over to the house, he said, shooting me a sly smile.

No, no. I want to do some physical work to get my mind out of Oakland, I said, shaking my head. He sighed.

Not Oakland again, he muttered.

I have guilt! I protested. He shook his head and rolled his eyes.

Aye, aye, he said, patting my hand again. I've the kids tonight?

Yeah. I got on Mia about her grades earlier, so watch out for attitude, I warned him.

Is Eva still sulkin' like? He glanced at the hallway to the rest of the house. The kids had already finished their homework and could be heard playing. Eva's school performance had shot up after her bully was gone. Her therapist had let us know that she had finally unloaded everything that she was keeping to herself. She spent the next couple months with double her usual therapy and got an award at the end of the semester for being the top in her class.

At Mia's parent-teacher conference, they told us that she wasn't thriving in her environment. They already taught to the student's ability, not age, but they had wanted to move her up a grade. She wasn't doing anything at a kindergarten level—including socializing. Her comments to the CPS caseworker turned out to be understatements.

I hadn't realized that none of the kids at her party were from her class at school. She didn't have a single friend in her homeroom class. She had a few in her upper level classes, though. They were the kids at her party, along with those she had been friends with for years.

We thought it sounded fine, but Mia freaked out. She cried that she was already weird and that skipping grades would just make her stand out more. It took a week, but Jamie convinced her to at least try it for a month. It wasn't an instant success. For the first time since she started school, she had come home crying that she didn't want to go back.

Sarah was upset enough by the situation to suggest homeschooling her, but Jamie and I both pointed out that she wasn't being picked on. She just didn't have very good social skills, and pulling her out of school wasn't going to help with that. She was too used to Eva helping her make friends. Now she had to do it on her own. The fact that she already had a few proved she was capable.

It was still hard watching her struggle. Thankfully, it didn't take the whole month before she adapted and was excited for school again. The teacher had us in for a conference at the end of the trial period to report on her progress. Part of skipping involved an IQ test to be certain she was within their guideline threshold for doing so, so we were given that information as well.

The principal told us that she would definitely qualify for the Gifted and Talented Education program at our public school, but since that school stopped at 6th grade, she would be in an educational gap if she continued on her current curve. Her school went to 8th grade, and then parents decided to either continue on to the connected high school or transfer to public school. The high school only had night hours, so it was our first choice, but it wasn't necessarily best for the daytime students. We didn't need anything else to confirm that she was in the right school.

After that, Eva needed repeated reassurance that she wasn't either dumb or a disappointment just because she wasn't skipping grades like her sister. We reminded her that she was in several classes past her grade, too. Having Mia in her reading class was bothering her now, though. That distressed Mia, and her grade started slipping. We knew it would just take time for the adjustment and were doing our best to be patient.

Not really, I answered. Eva hasn't brought it up in days. I think she's almost over it, but Mia hasn't regained her confidence yet.

Bloody ridiculous, Garret muttered. It's a small school. It's naught against her that they have to share classes. Mia's all about books. Makes sense she's readin' so far ahead of her age.

I think Eva's finally figured that out, I said, flicking his arm. Remember that Eva fell behind because she was being bullied. It's not like she can just magically make up for the time lost. As hard as she's trying, she's still got to get there the hard way while recovering from all that.

And Mia earned her place in that class fair and square and shouldn't be sufferin' from her sister bein' jealous like, Garret said, poking me.

I can be sympathetic to both my daughters at the same time, you know, I pointed out. Garret shrugged and nodded.

I guess I'm still narked Eva never told none of us what was happenin', he admitted. And don't think I didn't notice when I sudden wasn't bein' asked to watch the kids no more. You thought it coulda been me.

Not really, I muttered, suddenly tense. I remembered Lukas's comment that Garret would disappear for weeks if he knew that we had suspected him in the least. He sighed.

I wouldn't hurt one of those bairns to save my own life, he said softly, and touched my face. I relaxed.

I know, I answered, covering his hand with my own.

I hope you do. He kissed me. Then he rested his chin on my shoulder. I've still got that bastard's fangs.

I sat back and stared at him in shock. I hadn't pursued information on who'd torn apart Jerrod Miller, the father of the boy who'd hurt Eva. The son of a bitch had been biting his own son. I knew Lukas hadn't done anything, but it hadn't occurred to me that Garret might. He raised an eyebrow. A harsh breath of laughter escaped me, and he smiled darkly. It made me think of the slow, vicious smile St. John had given me when I mentioned that Diarmad was plotting revenge against New York. It reminded me of how glad I was that he was on our side. Apparently, the same could be said of Garret.

All St. John had told me about New York was that Robyn was as twisted as Nicky had said, and he was never going near the upper east coast again. He had returned no worse for wear but refused to even look at Filomena for a while. He had brought back something very interesting: a new therapist for me and Jamie. Specifically, he had used his temporary connections to find a psychologist that worked off the record with vampire criminals.

After a very thorough check by Lukas, I suddenly had someone I could talk to about everything I had done. He did a lot of the same stuff Jamie had, but I still felt better afterward. I wasn't about to leave my first counselor, though. He had been with me through too much, and I preferred him for my trauma issues and depression.

I was able to finally speak to St. John about that, since it hadn't been an option at the prison. I originally tracked him down to thank him for the referral, but we ended up going on patrol together and chatting quite a bit. Ann's visit had been peaceful. Julian was on his best behavior for two whole weeks in deference to Talia. He chewed out his sisters whenever he was worried that they were being too rough around her, brought out all of his toddler-safe toys for her to play with and didn't try to escape once. Ann had told her husband that she missed us as much as Julian missed them.

A knock came at the door, and I kissed Garret one last time before trotting over to answer it.

Lukas is out eating, I told St. John as I stepped outside. He nodded, and we walked together to the lot where his house was being constructed.

Can I ask you something?

Oswald will be fine. You made the right choice, St. John answered, making me laugh.

No, I was wondering how likely you thought it would be that we end up involved in the war, I said. I can't ask Lukas. I think he wants to run off and fight in it.

Ah. Hmm, St. John stopped and looked at the framework for his future house. I fear it is likely. I hope it is not. The last war that found me with a family stole them from me.

I think we're why Lukas is so moody, I commented.

He is worried for his family, St. John mused. He nodded. That explains much.

Right? I said and blew out a frustrated breath. We continued to the house-to-be and set to work being useful. I was sure the energy Lukas was expending in personally working on building the houses was the only thing keeping him as level headed as he still was. I couldn't imagine how insufferable he would have been if we didn't have this project. So I was happy when he caught up with us and we were all working together at building our neighborhood.

For all his faults, I still loved him as intensely as ever. It was why I'd asked him to become my husband legally... and made the mistake of telling my mom about it. When she demanded a wedding and I explained that we weren't planning one, she yelled at me for half an hour about how selfish eloping was. Now that she didn't hate Lukas anymore, she was in a place to enjoy our wedding, and she'd be damned if we took that away from her.

I whined about not wanting another anniversary to remember or to have to wait until July—our anniversary was July 21st—and she pointed out that the anniversary would be there whether we had a ceremony or not.

Unable to argue with her, we planned another small ceremony at the beginning of December. 'Planned' was the operative word, because I made another mistake in bitching at Steve and Nate about my mom demanding it, and they bitched at me for trying to exclude them. Nate surprised me with that, but he just shrugged and said friends went to each other's weddings and got free booze.

Still, it had been nice, and Lukas did seem to enjoy any excuse for a celebration, and celebrate we did. He didn't even wait for all the guests to leave before dragging me off to bed.

Lukas caught me staring at him and returned it, again leaving me wondering what was going through his head. Neither of us asked the other why we were spacing off before we broke eye contact and went back to work. At least our goals were aligned.

When the work crew called it quits for the night, we headed home. St. John invited me to go hunting, but I still wasn't hungry, so I was able to turn him down in favor of returning to Garret. It was Monday, so I would barely have time with him for the next several nights between his job as a courier and my nursing school.

Vincent was waiting for Lukas when we got back, sitting as far away from Garret on the couch as he could get. Garret was ignoring him for his book, and Vincent was sketching something in a large pad of paper. They both stopped and turned to smile brightly at us. I looked around for Sarah.

Where's— I started, but a sudden, loud thud and explosive swearing drifted out from the direction of her art studio, answering my question. Ah.

I do wish she would not throw solid marble at the wall, Lukas muttered. I may have reinforced the walls for vampires, but the light paneling can still be damaged.

"She gets super pissed when she does that, I agreed. I'm not saying anything to her about it, though."

I am not that stupid, either, Lukas said with a snort.

I wish she'd go back to painting. This sculpting phase hurts my ears, I added.

When you have something in your mind, you have to get it out, Vincent said.

Garret! Sarah yelled from her studio. He snickered and stopped sitting twisted around on the couch. That isn't funny!

What did you do? I asked.

Can't prove I did aught, he said, his shoulders still shaking with amusement. He was not above using his telekinesis for pranks. Often childish ones, too. The studio was pushing his range, but only just. You both home for the night?

What's left of it, Vincent said. Lukas raised an eyebrow and made his way over to his lover.

Are you feeling neglected? he teased. A tiny bit of pink colored Vincent's face as he smiled sheepishly. Lukas crawled onto him, and Garret turned to me expectantly. Let me remedy that.

I stalked off toward the bedroom when Lukas and Vincent started being annoyingly lovey dovey, knowing Garret would follow. Sarah was busy, after all. Near Christmas, Lukas had asked me and Sarah to sleep with Jamie so he could have Vincent stay the day. Since then, Vincent had stayed over several times, but we only got kicked out the one day. Lukas also no longer stopped himself from telling Vincent that he loved him, and sometimes they annoyed me.

I began taking the ensuing aggression out on Sarah... in bed. She liked that quite a bit. Lukas had finally regained his confidence and started playing with her again, too. The counselor definitely helped. Since Sarah's threshold was so high, she had told him that it was the connection with behavior manipulation that he needed to watch. He didn't appreciate my snarky 'duh.' They were happy again, and that was what mattered most. So, her relationships were back on track again, and she and I had done some important talking, leading to an increase in time together that we both needed. But when she was in her studio, Garret would certainly do.

He seemed to like my aggression just as much.

Chapter Two

The entire west coast of South America was under vampire rule by the middle of May, and sections of Mexico had gone the same way. Bolivia, Paraguay and Uruguay signed onto the Truce, leaving them protected from the takeover. It stopped with Venezuela, although there were some border altercations with Guyana. Suriname was a Truce country, and it appeared that Truce borders were being respected. That left French Guiana on the north coast, which, as a part of France, was under the Truce.

All my excitement about the house construction was gone. Between Kim, the war and finals, I was a mess. When Lukas's irritability hit a climax, I asked Sarah and Jamie if they could handle it if I took off for a week. I think I startled them both by not just bolting, but I hated when Lukas and Garret did it to me, so I was trying to stop.

They gave me permission to proceed with my freak out session, and I started by going to Frieda's for a couple nights. I did the rounds with my closest human friends and then went to Vincent's for the last few nights until finals.

It was peaceful there, surrounded by his happy paintings while he quietly worked on another. We even went out to a movie together. We knew Lukas wanted to see it, but Vincent was just as reluctant to be around him right now as I was.

I went home for a couple hours every night to spend time with the kids, but I kept it timed to when Lukas wouldn't be there. On the very last night before finals, I went home to have Jamie quiz me. That day, I made everyone sleep in the big bed together in an attempt to relax as much as possible before I proved whether or not I had wasted the last two years in school.

I hadn't.

I called Nate first when I got my test results back, since he had been the first to suggest I try to get my RN. He was excited and invited me out for drinks. I told everyone else before I left, and Lukas, Sarah and Garret joined us. I called and invited Steve, but he had a full house at work and couldn't get away. He still congratulated me enthusiastically. Nate and Lukas managed not to snark at each other at all, like some kind of present to me. It was an awesome night.

I wasn't able to attend the commencement ceremony for my graduation, since it was an outdoor daytime function, so my family threw a party for me. I applied to take the nursing license exam, the NCLEX-RN, immediately. After graduating with a 4.0, I didn't want to waste time or stress myself out more with a prep class.

When the test shut off after 75 questions, I left. I spent the whole drive home freaking out that I'd failed. 75 meant that I had either done very well or very poorly. There were a possible 250 questions, and the more you got, the closer your score was to either passing or failing. So, either way, the test had been quite sure of me.

I obsessively stalked the state licensing website, too impatient to wait for my official results. I found out the next night that I had passed by seeing my name with a license number. I was officially the first vampire to have ever received a nursing degree after changing.

Unfortunately for me, the media picked that up, and I got roped into doing a few interviews. The first one managed to miss my 'heroics' a couple years back, but the subsequent interviewers did not. I was terribly uncomfortable with all the attention. If it hadn't been of direct benefit to the school, I wouldn't have done it. Considering that they were willing to give a vampire a chance, though, I was willing to give them good publicity.

What I didn't consider immediately was the good publicity I was giving vampires as a whole. Not until I was flinching at my picture being plastered on several news programs in defense of vampires as equal citizens. Newscasters were talking about what a great guy I was—first responder in life, nurse in second life. I flinched every time I was brought up. I wasn't the only one, for sure, but the stunt with the car accident was too good of a pro-vampire story.

Then came what I had been dreading from the first national story. 'Vampire nurse is a polygamist.' 'Vampire nurse is gay.' I refused to leave the house for a week. When I was human, that wasn't as big of a deal, but now that I was a vampire, I kind of needed to eat out most of the time.

Lukas hunted for me. He understood my need to hide. He was afraid that my semi-celebrity would rub off on him. Thankfully, no one was willing to point him out to the press, so he was able to dodge them. For the first time since I had transitioned, I was back to being pale, insensitive to temperatures and not needing to shave, like a newbie. I went so far as to ban anyone in the house from turning on the news when I was in the room.

Sarah was getting ambushed by the press out of the house since she was already a public figure. I did watch a few interviews with her easily fielding the questions. She flustered a couple of the reporters with Filomena-level condescending wordplay. She twisted one guy's words so badly that everything he said just came out sounding more and more bigoted until he gave up. His station pressed him into issuing an apology, too.

By the end of June, my fifteen minutes of fame were over. My concern was that my hopes for a career were over, too. Well, at least I wouldn't have to hide my home life now if I was ever able to get another job. Bisexual, polygamist vampire. Yeah, my hopes for a career had just gone up in flames. Regardless, I continued on to the bachelor's program that had accepted me.

In May, despite everything else going on, we managed to successfully throw Julian's fourth and Eva's ninth birthday parties. Eva begged to go down to visit San Francisco again, so Sarah took her for a week after school let out. Mia had another summer music camp that she had been looking forward to. Toby was starting to pull himself up and loved the word 'dada' as much as Julian had loved 'mama.'

I was so happy to be there for him as a baby. I had missed too much with Julian. While I had the summer off, as soon as the media fiasco went away, I devoted it to the kids. Knowing I could never get this time back, I dedicated one night each week per kid to an hour or two of one-on-one time with me. Not to be left out, Sarah did the same.

Jamie, her year off having agreed with her, signed up for a summer Spanish refresher class. Since it was more useful locally than German, I took a beginner class at the same time. Lukas shot us looks of annoyance when we started using it to talk back and forth—primarily to tease him.

My Spanish was pitiful, but Jamie was patient and taught me way more than I would have learned in the class alone. Bilingual looked good on applications, but bilingual in Spanish was more likely to get me hired at a hospital, especially with the sudden influx of Mexican and South American refugees that the US was panicking over.

The r-word followed: registration. For all vampires. When I asked Lukas about it, he said not to worry. He was already preparing for civil war. He had been preparing for years. The coup in South America may have been sudden to me and the rest of my generation, but he had always been a pessimist about peace. Alliances were being strengthened across the country, enmities being reconsidered.

In August, fallout hit our mailbox. I brought in the mail and separated out a letter from my college. After dropping the rest on the desk, I opened mine and sighed. The program had rejected me. Well, fuck them; I was still a nurse. Even if I couldn't use it, I had earned it, and they couldn't take that away.

I flopped down on the couch, depressed. My phone beeped in the kitchen. I didn't feel like getting up. It was just me and Sarah. Everyone else was out.

Hey, would you see who texted me? I asked Sarah. She picked up my phone.

It was Frieda, she said. She wanted to tell you that she's going out of town this weekend with someone named Curtis.

That's her boyfriend, I said. Thanks.

I'm reading your message history, she told me.

Knock yourself out, I said, glaring at the letter again.

Um... Zack... Sarah came over and held my phone out to me. Care to explain?

What? I asked, taking it to look at the messages she was showing me. Oh, I was high when I sent those.

So, you're saying that you didn't mean these? Sarah asked. I sat up to face her.

I don't know. I guess I do, I said, frowning.

How would you feel if I was sending messages like that to another guy? she asked. I sighed.

What do you want me to do? I asked. We don't do anything not permissible. Yes, my feelings for her may be stronger than is technically appropriate, but it's not going to become anything. She even has a boyfriend. They've been going out for a year and a half.

Maybe you should find someone else for her, Sarah said.

So what, are you going to forbid me from having pets? I asked, suddenly irritated. That would have been nice to know before we signed our contract.

I don't know! I just—this feels... She threw her hands out in frustration. I looked up at her warily.

I know how you feel, I said softly. I felt the same way about Lukas and his pets.

And now he's in a relationship with the one you worried the most about, Sarah pointed out. I started picking at the envelope, tearing little pieces off.

If it bothers you that much, I'll see if I can find someone who will take her, I said, trying to ignore the pain that it caused me to offer.

"Zack, you love her. You're willing to say it. It's not like with Jamie or Bonnie or Filomena, who are all family. In what world would that not bother me?" she asked.

None, I said, shaking my head. Do you want me to stop visiting her while I'm waiting to find someone who will take a fairly expensive pet that they can't fuck?

I... Sarah stopped and looked down at my phone. She walked over to the other side of me and sat down. Don't do that.

I can't change how I feel, I said. "I can't even swear that there's not a romantic element to how I love her. It's kind of confusing, the whole thing. Gives me a better understanding of why Lukas didn't realize he was in love with Vincent. I can say that I don't usually wax poetic at her like that. That was the drugs, I swear."

What hurts is that you sent this to her, and at the same time, you called me to tell me that I was an unreasonable bitch, Sarah said. I closed my eyes and reached up to rub them.

That was the drugs, too, I said.

Not entirely, she disagreed.

Neither of those things was entirely... I am sorry, Sarah. I really am, I said, turning to take her hand. If I thought there was anything that could be any kind of a threat to our relationship going on, I would tell you.

If I felt the way for someone else that you feel about Frieda, would you consider it a threat? she asked. I frowned and considered what she'd asked.

Probably, I admitted. I sighed again. Okay. Again, what do you want me to do?

Are you attracted to her? Sarah asked.

Yes, I answered. Which isn't fair, because I'm attracted to Filomena, too. And Samiya, Bonnie, Cassie, Salem, Tina and her fake boobs, Uma, most of my regular donors and dozens of other random women.

Cassie? Really? Sarah asked, blinking in surprise. You know part of the reason I hate Tina so much is that I'm attracted to her, right?

Cassie's hot, I said, shrugging. I had not known that about Tina, actually. I left it alone. My point is that I would not have sex or enter into a relationship with anyone on that list by choice. Although...

Although what? Sarah asked.

You know the treaty with Salem? I asked. Sarah nodded slowly. Do you remember what Clause Five is?

Not off the top of my head, no, she said. I'm assuming that it has to do with marrying the treaty, though, if you're bringing it up right now.

Yeah. Garret rewrote it to allow for me to stand in for one blood offense a decade rather than re-marry the contract every five, which was the original proposal, I told her. The thing is that... I don't want to be blooded. Ever. But especially not for something that I—or you, Lukas or Garret—didn't even do.

I remember that. Are you saying that you're finally considering going back to the original clause? Sarah asked.

No, but I am thinking of asking to have it reworded to an either-or, maintaining the decade time frame, I said. I started stuffing the little bits of paper I had torn off into what was left of the envelope.

Are you going to be okay with that? I mean, do you remember what happened the last time you had sex with her? Sarah asked. Or rather, the whole trauma that it reignited?

It wasn't reignited. It was buried. I never really worked through it. But yes, I do remember, vividly. The thing is that I'm pretty sure I can handle it if it's my choice. Particularly if she bites me. I could have had sex with Filomena after that, and I don't know if it would have bothered me the same, I admitted.

You know I'd rather you fucked her than be tortured. I told you before that I didn't like that change. If you want to change the treaty back, if you think you can handle it, then I'm fine with it, she said. Back to Frieda, though...

I love her. I'm attracted to her. I don't want to have sex with her. I enjoy spending time with her and look forward to it. She is my favorite food, period. If you aren't comfortable with me keeping her knowing that, then I will find her someone else to take care of her, I said. I don't want to do it, but you're my wife, and I don't want to do anything that you feel is unacceptable to our relationship.

You don't wish she would get you off while you feed? Sarah asked. I shrugged.

I sometimes wish you were there to blow me while I feed on her, I admitted, bracing myself in case that was too much information. Sarah blinked rapidly for a moment, clearly taken aback. But I think that randomly whenever I eat. Sometimes I think Lukas or Garret instead, but I think that it's always you when I'm with her because I know she bothers you. I do feel bad about that. I wish she didn't.

Goddammit, she said and tossed my phone into my lap. Let me know if you ever think you're at risk of having sex with her. I'd like more warning for that than I got for this. I wish you had just told me.

I didn't really know what to say about it, I said. I just figured that's what it's like to have a pet. I've noticed that I get a little attached to all my regulars, even the quiet ones. Nothing like with Frieda, but—

But feeding regularly on someone does that. No, I do get that, she said. I just avoid the hell out of anyone looking to be a pet, because I don't know that I could stop myself from falling in love. Guess I'm not alone.

I really don't think of it that way, I said. "Maybe I'm deluding myself, but I don't believe I would be in a relationship with her if it was an option. I don't think I love her all that different from Nate or Bonnie. She's a really close friend. But..."

But what? she asked.

I'm the only way she can get off, I admitted.

Feeding? Sarah asked. I nodded, nervous. I had expected a much bigger reaction. Just from feeding?

Yes, I said. She nodded.

Anything else I should know? she asked. I shrugged.

I don't think so? Do you want me to try to be less... me? I asked, at a loss for a better description.

No. But things like this? In the future, tell me instead of letting me find out like this, please, she said.

Okay. I'm sorry, I said. I handed her the letter that I had partly crumpled. She frowned and looked down at it. Her face slowly changed to disbelief and then sympathy.

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry, she said. She twisted and hugged me. I hugged her back.

I expected it, I said softly.

This isn't fair. You should complain! This is discrimination! Sarah flicked the paper in annoyance.

Yeah, but for what? The media fiasco? The growing tensions between us and them? I gestured helplessly. I'll file a discrimination complaint, but they can just say it was availability. I'm sure they already gave away my spot. I'll have to apply for the program again next semester.

That sucks, Sarah said. I shrugged.

It's annoying, but it's just a few months. It'll pass quickly, I said. If they do it again... Well, I already got my license. Did anyone expect this to be a cakewalk? The JC bent over backwards to accommodate me. Any human student who couldn't do daytime rotations would have flunked. Maybe they couldn't do it for me this year. I don't know.

But they already accepted you into the program knowing you were a vampire, Sarah protested. I stood up and walked into the kitchen to throw out the envelope.

Nobody said it would be easy, I repeated. I'll keep trying. In the meantime, I'm going to see if there are any ER positions available and apply. There's something else I need to talk to you about, though.

What?

I want to start doing guard rotations, I said, walking over to stand in the doorway. Three nights a week.

Why? Sarah asked.

Because I'm nervous about the war. I'll feel better if I'm out there monitoring things in the field instead of taking reports and organizing, I explained.

Which city? she asked.

All but Reno, I said. I'll rotate cities each night. Guard shifts are only four hours, so it won't eat up all that much time.

Okay, she said.

Okay? I repeated, confirming

Yes, and thank you for asking first. Let me know which nights you're in Oakland, so I can worry appropriately, Sarah said, shooting me an amused look.

Will do, I said. I pulled her close to kiss her head. Sorry I'm not just a musician and bookstore owner.

Don't be, she said. "I'm sorry I freaked out on you so much. It's hard for me to watch you hurting over something that could be prevented by just not doing it. But I made Lukas tell me who he thought you could have saved. I didn't know any of them, but...

You don't do it because you enjoy it. I know that. You don't do it because you feel like you don't have a choice, either. You had the choice, and you wanted to choose to go. You stayed for me. All it did was make you resent me.

I didn't resent you, I said, shaking my head. "I resented being coddled and treated like I'm not capable of making a decision like that. But more... If I hadn't been there at the first battle, Lukas would have died. Maybe someone else would have put him back together, but I don't care. I held his decapitated body and head, Sarah. Do you know how many times I thought about that during the second battle? Worried about him dying and not coming back..."

I looked away.

I'm really sorry, Sarah said.

Don't be, I said. "I just want you to understand. I don't want you to feel like you don't know me. I'm sorry if I'm not the man you married."

We've been married for ten years, she said, taking my hand in hers. We hadn't done enough for such a special anniversary, but this April had been a mess. "Ten years does a lot to people. You're no more different from who you were then than I am from who I was. If it makes you feel any better, I still wouldn't kill the mountain lion."

I shoved her down against the couch and kissed her. I yanked the stupid letter out of her hand, not caring when it tore, and flung it at the floor. She whimpered when I grabbed her hair and pulled her head back to bare the line of her throat. I dragged my fangs against it, making us both shiver.

No one's coming home for at least an hour, I whispered. Grab a blanket. I want to make love to you under the stars.

Okay, she said, her voice high and breathy. I followed after her to recreate some of my favorite memories.

The response from the college about my discrimination complaint startled me. They not only issued an apology, but reinstated my place in the program immediately. I whined around the house for a couple days that I had been looking forward to the break, but I was really happy. I think everyone realized that, because no one took my whining seriously.

Not surprisingly, since it was the smallest, Garret's house was finished first. It was neat. I'd never seen a cottage style house with a tower before. It was his living room, built with large windows facing the forest. It was open space inside all the way up to the ceiling, with a roomy ledge inside, in front of a window up near the top that he could fly up to and lounge on.

I could just barely reach it by jumping from the top of the railing on the spiral staircase to the second floor. From there, I could theoretically perch at the top window and snipe people on the road or in the forest during a battle. He put a bunch of soft cushions up there, and we found that we could have sex there, too. It didn't take long for him to litter the edge with books and make it his reading nook. He even installed a small bookshelf next to it.

I bitched about the spiral staircase repeatedly when we were moving furniture in. We skipped it entirely and tossed shit up to each other because it was too much of a pain in the ass. I couldn't figure out how humans would have hauled a bed up there. Maybe if they used a rope and pulley system...

His first night there, we christened every room in the house with sex after he mentioned in passing that he wanted to do that. Afterward, he followed Lukas around expressing his happiness and appreciation until Lukas stopped skulking and dragged him off to his new house to appreciate it with him.

Lukas was right about Kim—by September, she had Oakland running smoothly again. Promoting her from lower ranks had been a gamble, but we'd won. I felt proud of both her for handling it and me for calling it right on her ability to command the guard. I also felt bad for doubting her. She certainly never did.

When we started planning for Toby's first birthday, Jamie also set up a consult with a plastic surgeon to talk about her four-babies-later belly and boobs. She wasn't planning the surgery right away; she was going to do it as close to changing as possible so she wouldn't have any scars. She came back asking if we thought her nose was too big. Lukas told her—with more than a little irritation—to find another surgeon.

Some nights, I looked up from my homework and around at my family in amazement. Ten years before, I had nervously agreed to start a family with Sarah. We had been in the middle of what we thought was the beginning of a war then, too. With every month as Sarah's belly grew, I had been more and more scared about what the future held.

Now our daughter was nine years old, in fourth grade with aspirations to be a paramedic one day and a cartoonist the next. It was unreal to me that she was so big. I could still recall how tiny she looked in my hands the first time I held her. I vividly remembered her little toddler voice calling to me.

Then there was Mia, six going on thirty, in second grade, able to play piano better than I played guitar, learning her first violin concerto and not wanting to worry about what she would be later, only who she was now. She was getting better about letting go of offenses and working on her tact. She handled Julian's tantrums better than anyone else in the house, displaying an unusual level of patience and maturity only in regards to him. She had a surprisingly strong mama bear streak whenever anyone else hurt him in any way.

Julian was as wild as ever at four. He doted on Toby like he did with Talia, whom he still called 'his.' Three-month-old Matteo, Talia's brother, was only just starting to catch his attention. Noah was his best friend and favorite co-conspirator for making mischief. I wasn't sure which of the two of them came up with the most bad ideas, but they managed to drum up a surprising number of them.

And Toby. He still regularly fell asleep on my shoulder, but as soon as he was awake, he was down and toddling after his siblings as fast as he could. I got to be there when he took his first steps and said his first word and a bunch of other firsts. It meant a lot to me.

Every time I watched the news, I became terrified that it could all be taken away with a single government act of paranoia. The way people were talking on television, it didn't matter that these were my kids. They were human, and I was a vampire. It only took until October for it to spill over to the kids themselves. Eva walked in the door and called for everyone to sit down together. It was amusing until I caught sight of her face. She was scared.

What's going to happen if the war comes here? she asked. We all turned to Lukas at the same time. He looked around the room and shook his head.

Do not concern yourself. I will take care of it, Lukas said.

That's not good enough, Eva told him. I need to know.

I... I kind of need to know, too, Katelyn seconded. Lukas turned to her.

Whose side will you be on? Lukas asked her. She blinked rapidly and looked around the room.

Well... what would being on your side mean? she asked.

It would mean being unable to stop terrible things from happening to other humans, Lukas answered. It would mean that you would lose your freedom as you know it—likely forever, as you would be a species traitor. It would mean an uncertain future where you would continue to be my children's caregiver, have my full protection from both humans and other vampires and be expected to live and die as a member of this family.

And if I side with the humans? she asked.

You will never see us again, he answered. It will be my final gift to you. Your service to my family would protect you from me and mine as long as you never threaten us directly, for the rest of you life.

Can't we side with the humans? Eva asked. "I mean... we are human. What—what about us?"

Historically, vampires allow humans to side with them, but the reverse is seldom true, I answered her. Vampires who want to work with the humans are barely tolerated, and if they make any moves against other vampires, they are targeted and killed. No exceptions.

They all die? Eva asked. Mia looked back and forth between us, and I wanted to stop the conversation. I looked at Jamie for help.

Should we be discussing this? I asked.

Evangeline, why are you bringing this up? Jamie asked.

Kids are talking about it at school, she said. They said what Daddy did—vampires and humans are killing each other, and you can't be on both sides. All the dhampir in my class are scared. I'm not really one, but at the same time, I kind of am.

I am sorry, Evangeline, but all of that is true, Lukas said. As children, the humans will not want to kill you, but to 'free' you from us. If that happens, you are not to fight. Instead, you should cooperate until you can try to escape, and then find a vampire to bring you home. You only need to tell any vampire our names, and they will do their best to reunite us. This is assuming that the war comes here, of course. There is no guarantee it will happen.

You okay? I asked Katelyn, touching her shoulder. She shook her head.

This is unreal. I'm going to have to choose between my human family and my vampire families. How can I do that?

That is why I do not believe that it will come to that, Lukas said. Too many humans feel exactly that way.

But what about the vampires? Katelyn asked.

I do not want to lose my easy food and comfortable life, Lukas answered. I believe that most of us feel that way.

But you're all... Sarah stopped and switched to French. Lukas sighed and shook his head.

I want to go down south, not have it come to my home, he answered, and I realized that she must have pointed out that he was itching for a fight. Then what he said registered. He wanted to go fight in the war. I wished I spoke something the kids didn't—and that he did—so I could ask him about that.

You want to fight in the war? Eva asked. Or, she could just take it out of my hands.

I have fought in many wars, Lukas answered. I have done it for so long that I sometimes miss it. Yes, I want to go down and fight.

Aren't the vampires trying to take over? Eva asked.

The humans are attempting to kill them all, Lukas replied. Their goal is to survive. They did not break the Truce; the humans did. The vampires in South America took over. That war is over—they won. I am speaking of Mexico, where they only want to live their lives. Some fight to rein, some fight to reinstate the Truce. I would fight only to see that they are not exterminated. I am not Mexican. What they do with their government once it is secure is their business.

But couldn't you be killed? Eva asked.

That is why I am here and not there, he said. It is my responsibility to be here for you. I want to keep you safe and be your father more than I want to fight. However, I have been irritable, and I am sorry. I do not like how close the conflict is when I may not participate.

But if it comes here, you'll fight? Eva asked.

Yes, Lukas said.

Will you still change, Mama? Eva asked, turning to Jamie.

Yes, Jamie confirmed. I'm going to do it next year. That's not going to change if we're at war. I'm still going to do it on the same timetable. I just may do it differently.

Differently how? Eva asked.

The whole nesting process will be different, Jamie said. It won't affect you guys. Just me.

Will we have to move? Eva asked.

Yes, Lukas answered.

Will Gram Gram come with us? Mia asked. I nodded.

It won't be safe for her not to, I said.

And Nana and Grandpa? Eva asked. We all turned to Sarah.

I... Sarah started. I don't know. Grandpa wouldn't like that, but he also wouldn't like being left behind.

We'd have to leave school, huh? Eva said, looking sad. We nodded. But all our vampire family will stay with us, right? Garret and Vincent and Bonnie and Mr. St. John?

Yeah, baby, Sarah said. I wondered if St. John knew that Eva considered him family.

Would I ever see Harley again? she asked softly.

Wars do not last forever, Lukas answered.

Noah? Julian asked. I looked away. I had been trying not to think about any of this. If we went to war, I would lose Nate. That wasn't even a question.

Sorry, Jules, I said softly. We wouldn't see Noah anymore.

Sarah put her hand on my shoulder.

"But this isn't happening, Jamie stressed. This is