Redemption: Indiana Panthers, #4

Chapter 1

Joey

Irubbed the sleep from my eyes and reached for the alarm on my phone. In the dark I pushed the button to shut off the alarm on the glowing screen in front of me. My body was aching. My mind was even tired. Why did I keep doing this to myself? It was an odd sense of self-torture. It was designed to make me the best, a champion, but at what cost.

I knew that the defeating self-talk was a part of this ritual, but every day it came closer to winning and I came closer to blowing off my morning run and staying in bed another few hours. But no. I had to get going. I had to get the wheels moving, and grease up the joints of the old body, sharpen the mind as well. It was time.

I rolled out of bed careful to not disturb my live-in girlfriend, Charlene. She was still sleeping peacefully. And why shouldn’t she be? It was five in the morning. We both had classes in three hours. But my day always started at sunrise.

I went into the bathroom and grabbed my workout clothes that I had laid out the night before. Getting prepared the night before made all of this so much easier in the morning; there was nothing that I had to get prepared for. It was all there.

After I was dressed I went into the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of water and chugged it. Then I refilled the bottle, and mixed in some flavorful and healthy branch chain aminos into it. They turned the water a pretty blue color. I took a sip and then put on my running shoes.

With my earbuds in and some old school Metallica blasting my eardrums my feet hit the pavement and I started jogging my usual route, going slowly at first to allow the body to warm up. My heart rate began to rise, my body warming, my skin glowing, and a sweet, happy feeling started to rise up over me.

And there was that glorious sunrise. I usually timed it perfectly and there it was. I loved to watch that bright, red glow rising up in the sky as I moved along in the morning starting my day. It was really an essential part of the routine. Somehow it gave me hope, that everything I was doing really mattered. When you were working so tirelessly on a goal, at times it was hard to remain focused; sometimes you could forget what you were doing all the grinding for.

I was going to get that pro contract this year. I could feel it. I was by far the best running back in the league. No one could outmatch my speed, or my strength in the position. I’d always been blessed with that athletic ability, but I’d also worked tirelessly to get to the next level. Ever since junior high when I realized I had a shot at doing something great on the football field, I’d become obsessed.

Sometimes I wondered why Charlene even put up with me. I was not the ideal boyfriend. She had come to accept that my primary goal, my focus, my woman for all intents and purposes was really the game of football. At least for right now. Everything else had to come second. And when I achieved the goal that I had set for myself so long ago, I wanted Charlene right there beside me to enjoy it with.

But did I?

It was a dark thought, but one that had been recurring lately. Did I want to go into this brand new life that I was going to have to navigate and learn about with someone in my life already? I wasn’t sure I was going to be the same person later. I’d heard from people I knew who had made it to the big show that it sometimes did change you. You move into a different world and eventually it became harder to relate to people in the world you’d just left, but the biggest change was from them. They saw you differently.

Did I want to go through that with Charlene? We’d been dating for almost a year now. It was going well. I cared about her a lot, but I had the feeling lately that she really wanted to take things to the next level. She wanted marriage, kids,—the whole shebang. But I wasn’t sure if now was the right time. I mean, we were just about to finish college. How about taking some time for ourselves to live and have fun, first?

I’d never understood people who wanted to get married right out of school. You were finally free of the boring responsibilities of childhood. You could start your careers, you could be free to do what you wanted and now you would have the money to actually do it. Why immediately settle down and start having babies? It made no sense to me and I was sure I did not want that.

But I hadn’t talked too much to Charlene about it. She seemed pretty intent on that being the next logical progression for us. But with me working so hard to obtain that NFL contract, she had to suspect that my goals lay somewhere else.

I realized that this was a conversation we would have to have in the near future, but right now I had too much else on my plate. Charlene had to realize that. But ever since we decided to get our own place together, it had been that way. I often thought that it was a bad idea to move in together. I needed the space and the time to work. I didn’t have time to be in a relationship on that level. But I’d agreed to it. I wasn’t sure why I did. I cared deeply for Charlene, and sometimes that level of care for her scared me.

On my way back from the jog, I stopped at the local coffee shop I frequented. They had amazing latte’s and sometimes the sweet tooth got the better of me and I had to grab a pastry. But this morning I was going to hold off on that. But still, I had to grab my coffee. I needed that dose of caffeine as a nice, little reward for being so good and getting right to work this morning.

While I was in line, an attractive woman in front of me caught my eye. I didn’t even realize I was staring until she stared back and smiled at me. Damn. I didn’t mean to send any signals to her. The guy in front of me suddenly left the line and now it was just her and me right beside each other. Awkward.

Hey, there, she said. What sounds good this morning?

The way she asked the question, with just the right amount of purr in her voice to give it a little bit of a naughty connotation, got me a little turned on. I instantly felt guilty about it.

Um, I don’t know, yet, I replied hoping she would lose interest and turn around. But she didn’t. She seemed very hooked on me now.

You stop in here sometimes, don’t you? She asked curiously.

Are you stalking me? I teased. Why? Why was I making it worse? I did not want to flirt with this girl. I needed to just reel it in, remember that I had a live-in girlfriend that I cared deeply about, and let this thing go away. But sometimes it was hard to resist some harmless flirtation when you were in a committed relationship. It made you feel alive and just reminded you that you were still desired by other women. Still, it made me feel like a jerk.

Maybe, she said. I’m Tina. What’s your name?

Joey, I replied.

Well, now we are on a first name basis. No stalking going on here, right?

I laughed. I’m not sure that’s a rule.

Well, I like to make up my own rules. How about you? Do you make up your own rules?

I smiled. It was time to nip this already before it went any farther. My girlfriend says I do sometimes.

She didn’t even flinch. Good. We have that in common then. What do you do for fun?

Wow, you are just getting right into it, aren’t you? I asked.

No sense in beating around the bush. I live just a few blocks over. I’d love to show you my new... stereo...

I raised my eyebrows. Wow, this girl was very forward. That was hot and the single me would have taken her up on the offer in a heartbeat, but this was not going to happen.

That sounds tempting, but I’m in a bit of a rush. I do have some plans with my girlfriend later, so...

Well, she is a real party pooper. But here, if you change your mind.

Tina wrote her number down on a napkin and handed it to me. She then picked up her order and left, her eyes glancing back at me seductively as she did so.

I shook my head as I tried to get a grip on what had just happened. Looking at the number on the napkin in my hand, I found myself suddenly feeling very guilty indeed. This was weird. I had a good thing going with Charlene and I didn’t want to blow that. Besides, I cared too much for her to betray her trust by ever cheating on her. I’d never cheated in a relationship before and I certainly wasn’t going to start now.

I ordered and grabbed my coffee. As I left the shop, I threw the napkin with Tina’s number on it in the trash can. That was over and done. Just an interesting little memory in my head now.

That sort of thing was not as rare as it probably should have been. It seemed like ever since I’d become a star running back for Indiana Panthers football, I’d had women coming out of the woodwork left and right trying to get with me. So many of them pretended like they didn’t know who I was, too. I wondered if Tina was pretending? Or if she really wasn’t sure who I was and that I was just a random guy she was interested in. Or she did that sort of thing a lot. And that idea just turned me off a little bit. As a man, even when random things like that happen or fast hookups happened, we liked to feel in our mind that we were something a bit special. If we find out that we aren’t, it makes us feel a bit cheap.

I jogged back home and entered the apartment quietly. I sat down at the kitchen table and finished my coffee. It was soothing, warm, and delicious. It was the only semi-sweet food I would consume all day. I typically ate nothing processed, only lean meats, healthy fats, and cycling carb days depending on my workouts. It worked for me to keep me in great, playing shape and it helped me with stress and mental clarity as well. I loved being healthy and dedicating myself to that lifestyle.

That was one thing that had attracted me so much to Charlene at first, her desire to eat healthy and take such good care of her body, but sometimes she did indulge in pasta. That was something I’d had trouble breaking her of.

She really was an amazing woman and I was very lucky to have her. I finished my coffee and walked into the bathroom. I started up the shower and let it get nice and hot before I stepped into it.

The day ahead of me was going to be brutally busy. I had back to back classes all morning and then weightlifting in the afternoon, followed by practice. We had a big game coming at us that weekend. We had to be ready.

I let the hot water wash over my body, starting with the head and then letting it roll off my back. It felt wonderful. After a long run first thing in the morning a hot shower was the perfect thing to calm down those muscles.

As I stood there under the shower, preparing for the day ahead of me in my mind, I found myself a bit worried. There were so many obstacles it seemed, so much in front of me that was trying to hold me back and distract me from reaching my goals in this world. That was the thing that held most people back; the fear would get to them. I was determined not to let that happen to me. I would simply take one hurdle at a time and move through it.

But the biggest hurdle, I realized while I was standing in that shower, was Charlene. I knew that I cared about her, in fact I cared about her much more than I wanted to. That was the reason I’d agreed to her moving in. But this could be a hindrance. I hated to think of our relationship that way, but I felt a bit guilty that she was always on the sidelines of what I was trying to accomplish. She’d been great, so supportive of everything so far, but I had the feeling that she was feeling neglected a bit and I didn’t think it was fair for her to be feeling that way. That was my fault. And it was the last thing I wanted.

But at the same time I didn’t want our relationship to end. I couldn’t bear the idea of letting her go or of her leaving me. It was selfish on my end. I knew that. But it was how I felt. I just hoped that Charlene could hang on though till I would get through this to the start of my career, and then we’d be fine. I was a little intimidated by what that life might be throwing at me, but I knew that if things between us were meant to be, then we would work it out.

Meant to be... did I actually believe that? Or was I just scared of doing all of this alone? I wasn’t sure. There were so many confusing thoughts swirling around in my head lately that I just didn’t know what I really wanted. And that was new for me. I’d never been indecisive like that before. I wasn’t used to having trouble making definitive decisions. But when it came down to what I wanted with Charlene and what our future might hold, I just didn’t know what was going to happen.

I hated feeling this way. Everything was so up in the air and that made me very nervous.

What was going to come next? And would I be ready for it?

Chapter 2

Charlene

The sky threatened rain. What had earlier been a picturesque day of blue skies and bright sunshine had turned into a gray, blank day that threatened to pour rain on the spectators and the football players racing up and down the field. I hoped that it held off. I didn’t fancy the idea of being rained on. I hadn’t even brought an umbrella.

If I really thought about it, I didn’t even want to go to this game. But I had to show my support to Joey. What kind of a girlfriend would I be if I didn’t support him? But the luster of the game had kind of dwindled for me. What used to be a fun and an exciting event had now turned into a jealousy for my affections. That was how I felt about it. Football was in in fact, Joey’s mistress...like it was the other woman.

I knew the idea was ridiculous, but I often felt that Joey loved the game more than he loved me, or at least it mattered a lot more to him. Maybe he thought I would always be there no matter what and it was ok for him to take me for granted. Football on the other hand had a very fleeting time window. It would be gone if he was injured, gone when he got a little bit too old, and gone when someone better came along to take his spot. Joey didn’t feel that way about me. No, I would always be there.

But I wouldn’t. Lately, I had been feeling that I was wasting my time with Joey. Things were not moving anywhere and we’d kind of stalled off. I wanted something more, way more than what it seemed he was willing to give.

So, why hadn’t I left? I wasn’t sure. I knew that I loved him. I knew that there was so much love inside of my heart for this man that the very thought of leaving made me feel like I’d be leaving behind everything that I cared about in this world. How did I love him so much when half the time I felt like he ignored me?

It wasn’t right. I knew that it wasn’t right. We had to talk, to work some things out before this went any farther. But the question was whether or not Joey would sit down and talk about things. Whenever I tried to tell him how I was feeling, he often dismissed my feelings as exaggeration.

So, Joey looks good today, Denise said sitting beside me.

Yeah, he seems even faster than normal, Toni added. Is he doing something different? I know that he’s been training like crazy.

I groaned. Even my friends just wanted to talk about football. I tried to hold my dissatisfaction, but it came out harshly. I don’t know. He is hardly ever around me anymore, so I don’t know what he is doing.

Wow, that sounds harsh. What’s going on? You two ok? Toni asked.

I sighed. I should have kept my mouth shut; now everyone wanted to know what was wrong. Well, he spends every waking second working on that game. I feel very ignored lately.

Ah, don’t worry about it. That will pass. This is a big time for him right now. We all know how badly he wants to turn pro. The only way to get there is to be driven towards it.

I smiled. I know. And I always feel like I’m not being the supportive girlfriend that I should be, but I can’t help that I feel so alone and so ignored. It sounds stupid, but I’m actually very jealous.

Well, have you talked to him about it? Maybe he just doesn’t realize that you feel that way, or that he is leaving you so much. He might be clueless to this.

How could he be? He hardly ever sees me?

He is so single minded focused on football that it can often be difficult to see anything else that might actually be going around him.

I sighed. I knew that my friends were right. I needed to sit Joey down and force him to talk with me. I had to go over his schedule and show him exactly how much time he was spending away from me. If I’d known it was going to be this way, I never would have moved in with him. Instead I thought we’d have way more time to spend together, not less.

I sighed and tried to watch the game. But with the rain looming and my heart feeling even gloomier than the sky, I really felt like leaving. But if Joey knew I’d left in the middle of his game, he would have been really hurt. And in a way, I wanted to see that. He needed to get his feelings hurt a little bit so he’d see exactly what he was doing to me all the time.

But the instant I thought that, I immediately felt guilty. That was wrong for me to think that way. I needed to stay up, stay positive. Things would work out. I was still just adjusting to it all. That was it. And after the season got well under way and Joey would see all the hard work he was putting in had paid off, then he could ease up a bit, right? Surely, he would ease up a bit.

So, how have you been otherwise? Toni asked. I feel like I never see you.

I know. I’ve been crazy busy with school work, and trying to get to the point where Joey actually acknowledges my existence. So far, no luck.

Toni smiled. You are the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. You should play a sad clown. That would suit you. Maybe the team can adopt that as the new mascot.

I laughed and hit my friend playfully in the arm. They were always good for cheering me up. I was lucky to have them. I felt that I did need to make time to hang out with them more. Maybe if I wasn’t always home when Joey walked through the door, he might start to miss me a bit. I needed to develop some interests outside of him. That would be a good place to start. Sometimes you didn’t know what you had until it was gone. That might be a good lesson for him.

Or maybe I would just leave altogether. And then he’d see how much he would really miss me. But would I miss him that much if I did that? I barely saw him now.

I wasn’t sure. I really wasn’t.

We’d been together for almost a year. And during that time it seemed that Joey became more distant from me and more obsessive with the game. He had his first big break last season when Billy Worth got injured leaving his spot open for Joey. He took off with it and we all saw that he was twice the running back that Billy had been. He was arguably the best in all of college football. But being the best meant you had to train like the best, or else it would be taken from you. Joey took that to heart and started training like a madman. Everything he did was related to preparing for football in some way.

I wanted to cheer him on, urge him to do even better in the game and to dominate the competition, but deep in my heart I couldn’t really do it. I wasn’t even sure why I was there anymore. I was supporting the very thing that I felt was taking him away from me and consuming him inside and out.

And yes, I knew that I loved Joey Coughman with all of my heart. I wanted him, I lusted for him, I needed him with me, but I couldn’t get the same reaction or the confirmation of those same feelings residing within him. He never talked about his feelings, preferring to keep everything held tightly within him. He didn’t talk about himself much, or what he was thinking most of the time. It was hard to get to know him and after so much time being in a relationship together, there were times when I realized that I barely knew him at all.

I watched him break free of a tackle and run towards the outside with the ball. If he got through that last barrier he could go all the way. With his speed no one was going to be able to stop him. No. He would go all the way to the end zone.

And then it happened. I wasn’t sure how and as I tried to replay it in my mind, I found that I couldn’t. Joey broke through the last tackle, but then someone came barreling on him from the side as he was momentarily slowed up with those two defenders.

I saw it all happen in my mind before it