Between Loss & Forever: Filipino Mothers on the Grief Journey

To write about a traumatic experience in an easy flowing manner is no mean feat. In this book, Cathy achieves this naturally and effortlessly. As a journalist grief coach and mother who lost a child, she accompanies the mothers (in the book) with deep compassion. She journeys with them not only with feeling, but also with a clear understanding of the grieving process. Cathy gives the reader the affective and cognitive handles that can make grieving transformative and even joyful. This book can serve as a good guide for grieving mothers and their families, and all those who want to help them.

–Dr. Ma. Lourdes A. Carandang

clinical psychologist and national social scientist

There can be no better guide to coping with the death of one’s child than someone who can speak from all levels—personal experience, serious study, empathy and compassion—from heart, mind and soul all at once. Cathy Babao Guballa is all that. She has gone through a long period of unspeakable grief over the loss of a young son and still grapples with it every day. With God’s grace, though, she has been able to write this landmark book to help parents like herself. A heart-wrenching but ultimately inspiring testament to the transformative power of grief and of God’s abiding love.

–Lorna Kalaw-Tirol

book editor and author of Above the Crowd

The narratives in this book are not only attempts to plumb the depths of a mother’s pain as she loses her child. The individual stories of shattered lives are themselves eloquent testimonies to the will to transcend this almost unknowable, chaotic world, albeit with immense difficulty, into a genuinely affirmative view of life.

A very engaging collection of narratives which will help the readers make sense of their lives.

–Dr. Soledad Reyes

professor and literary and art critic, Ateneo de Manila University

In the literature of mourning, Cathy Babao Guballa is both frontline reporter and seasoned storyteller; over the years, her columns and stories have allowed many readers to understand, with ever greater depth of insight, the life-altering experience of the bereaved—beginning with her own. In Between Loss and Forever, her unforgettable account of the grief journey of mothers who had lost their children to accident or violence or illness, she has written a deeply moving work that is both an intricate, courageous study and a compelling story. Essential (and cathartic) reading.

–John Nery

senior editor and columnist, Philippine Daily Inquirer

Between Loss and Forever

Filipino Mothers on the Grief Journey

Cathy Babao Guballa

Between Loss and Forever

Filipino Mothers on the Grief Journey

By Cathy Babao Guballa

Copyright to this digital edition © 2011 by Cathy Babao Guballa

and Anvil Publishing, Inc.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced

in any form or by any means without the written permission

of the copyright owners and the publisher.

Published and exclusively distributed by

ANVIL PUBLISHING, INC.

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Cover design by R. Jordan Santos

Cover photos from the collection of Beth Burgos Adan, Monique Eugenio,

   Cathy Babao Guballa, Alice Honasan, Aileen Judan Jiao, Chiqui Mathay,

   Alma Miclat, Fe Montano, and Aleli Villanueva

Interior design by Joshene Bersales

Painting on page 166 by Janice Liuson Young

ISBN 9789712729096 (e-book)

Version 1.0.1

For Pia and Leon who love me unconditionally, and for Migi, who taught me unconditional love.

In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.

– Albert Camus

Contents

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Chapter I

The Experience of Loss and Finding Meaning

Chapter II

Dealing with Guilt and Anger

Chapter III

Complicated Grief: The Accidental Death of a Child

Chapter IV

Loss of a Child in Infancy

Chapter V

Loss of a Teenage or Adult Child

Chapter VI

Traumatic Deaths

Chapter VII

Death of a Child Through Suicide

Chapter VIII

One Loss, Many Griefs

Chapter IX

Issues and Themes

Epilogue

On The Journey to Forever

Appendix

Essays

References

Acknowledgments

THE LAST years of my life, since Migi’s death on June 3, 1998, has been quite a journey. This book would not have come into fruition without the help of family, friends, and colleagues who gave me the inspiration and courage to pursue this research and the book that you now hold in your hands:

Dr. Victoria Narciso Apuan, Dr. Caroline de Leon, Dr. Ma. Lourdes Quisumbing Baybay, my friends and mentors in graduate school whom I met as a newly bereaved mother more than a decade ago, and who patiently encouraged me to finish my graduate thesis and put up with me every time life got in the way of my academic pursuits.

Marisa Marin, my sister, colleague, and dear friend, whose guidance and support enabled me to finish my research and whose beautiful music and lyrics to Between Loss and Forever carried me through the writing of this book.

Quincho and Princess Gueco of Chema’s by-the-Sea on Samal Island and the staff of Montemar Beach Club in Bataan, for providing me with a haven to write, refresh, and reflect in.

Dr. Kathleen Gilbert, dear friend, grief education mentor, and guiding light, for inspiring and seeing me through the last thirteen years of this journey.

Dr. Honey Carandang, who has been like a second mother to me, and whose support, encouragement, and love I will always be truly grateful for.

My Powerpuff Girls, Carissa and Larcy, whose lifelong friendship, sisterhood, and love I will always treasure.

My publisher, Karina Bolasco, who fully understands how it is to lose a loved one and how important it is to be able to put down and work on one’s sadness and grief on paper, thank you for always believing in me and the work that I do.

Paulynn Paredes Sicam, my editor, sister, and dearest friend, whose friendship at this point in my life’s journey is one of my great blessings.

Chelo Banal Formoso and Thelma Sioson San Juan, my mothers at the Philippine Daily Inquirer—thank you always for your faith and guidance.

To Alya, Trixie, Albert, and Fr. Manoling, for unselfishly sharing your wisdom and expertise.

To all the mothers in this book—Beth Adan, Raciel Carlos, Isabel Lovina, Mano Morales, Noemi Dado, Chiqui Mathay, Monique Eugenio, Aileen Jiao, Jo Ann de Larrazabal, Alma Miclat, Vivian de la Peña, Trixie Cruz, Lissa Moran, Bai de los Reyes, Tita Baby Tiaoqui, Tita Fe Montano, Tita Alice Honasan, and Tita Thelma Arceo—thank you for your friendship and for trusting me with your stories. May our collective pain and hope be a beacon of light and inspiration to everyone who walks this road.

To my mother, Caridad Sanchez Babao, my role model for resilience and courage as I was growing up—for believing in my dreams and supporting my endeavors. I love you. Thank you for always being there.

To Hector, who gave me Pia, Migi, and Leon—my reasons for living.

To my children Pia and Leon for loving me unconditionally, for putting up with my moods and allowing me the freedom to write and truly be me. I love you both to forever.

To Migi in heaven, for teaching me unconditional love. I love you to infinity and beyond and will see you again, someday.

To our Heavenly Father for steering me safely through the waters and never letting me go. All the glory belongs only to you.

Introduction

THE CELEBRATED American author and poet, Maya Angelou, wrote, There is no greater burden than bearing an untold story inside you.

The death of a child goes against the natural order of the universe and the strangeness of the event is a major stumbling block for the bereaved mother who cannot comprehend why such an event had to take place. The loss of a child shatters every mother’s view of a world that is secure, safe and in order. On her own, the bereaved mother can take no solace in the incomprehensible fact that her child has gone ahead of her.

Another factor that contributes to the overwhelming sense of grief and the unnaturalness of a child’s death is the very nature and manner by which it usually takes place—sudden, dramatic, unexpected, and untimely. The circumstances often leave the mother shaken to the core, with a great sense of helplessness and threat to her sense of self.

In losses that result from accidents, genetic or unexplained medical factors, murder and suicide, mothers often take on the additional burden of grief, saddled by various kinds of guilt. It is these losses that prompt enormous efforts by the bereaved mother to find meaning and purpose in her life in order to regain some sense of control and eventually move on, albeit slowly, after the death of a much loved child.

People who undergo traumatic experiences generally undergo three stages: denial, working through, and completion. Such life-changing experiences shatter the bereaved’s belief that the world is a safe and orderly place. Such individuals are prone to experience intense depression, anxiety, and denial (Horowitz, 1976). After such an experience, these individuals often re-orient their lives in order to force new experiences into their belief system (Pennebaker, 1990).

Storytelling has long been acknowledged to have therapeutic value in and of itself. By recounting the events at the time of the loss, a mother works on the story and works through the loss. The exercise of telling and retelling is repeated until the narrator is able to find some sense and meaning to the story she has created. Healing is achieved when the narrator can tell a story of loss that gives meaning to the loss and purpose to his or her life (Harvey, 1996; Harvery, Weber, and Orbuch, 1990).

This book explores and describes how the narrative (spoken and written) may be used as a tool to help bereaved mothers grieve and find meaning in the loss of their children. In the study Embracing their memory: The construction of accounts (Harvey, J.H., Carlson, H.R., Huff, T.M., and Green, M.A., 2001), Robert Coles (1989) suggested that the rock-bottom human capacity of every person is the universal gift of a story—the power to own and tell a personal story. Living with trauma from past years and talking about it, or writing about thoughts and feelings associated with it, can help one get past it (Pennebaker, 1990).

I am a bereaved mother and a journalist by profession, and I find the need to look into the search for meaning and the steps the Filipino mother takes as she goes about healing herself while going through the various stages of grief. In the interviews I conducted with other bereaved mothers, I found a common thread that has helped them successfully manage the transition after losing a child. For some it has taken many years, for others, a couple, and for the newly bereaved, the journey still goes on.

Searching for, and reconstructing the meaning of one’s life as viewed through the lens of loss, is critically important to parents who have lost a child (Rando, 1996). The search for meaning, therefore, is an essential component to healing. For many mothers, accepting the fact that there is a reason, finding meaning in the loss of their child, is a major step that more often than not helps them cope a little better with the unfathomable event and the pain of their loss.

This book was inspired by the steps that I undertook on my thirteen-year journey since the loss of my son, Migi, in 1998, and my own interest in the emerging field of thanatology. The seed of this book began germinating in my head about a year after Migi died. My great desire to reach out to other bereaved mothers who are taking the journey that I once set out on without a roadmap is what fueled to the writing of this book.

Within these pages, you will find stories of mothers who have been on the grief journey for various periods of time. There is Thelma Arceo who lost her eldest son Ferdie, then twenty-one, to the military during martial law in 1973; Alice Honasan, whose youngest son, Mel, died from a brutal and senseless hazing in 1976; and Lissa Ylanan Moran who lost her infant daughter a few months after the EDSA revolution in 1986. Then there are Raciel Carlos, Jo Ann de Larrazabal, Isabel Valles Lovina, and Mano Morales, mothers whose children perished in their prime in car accidents; Baby Tiaoqui, and Fe Montano, mothers who lost adult children to illness; and Beth Burgos Adan, Aleli Villanueva, Monique Papa Eugenio, and Aileen Judan Jiao, mothers who lost their children all too suddenly in various unexpected ways. Finally, there are mothers like Alma Miclat and Vivian dela Peña whose children felt that life was too painful, they chose to end their suffering.

It was important for me to capture the very essence of each mother’s storytelling as they spoke and wrote about their loss. The breadth of emotions and anguish expressed were impossible to quantify, the experience of listening with one’s mind and heart, of transcribing and writing it all down, was, to say the least, exhausting. No amount of formulaic structured questions could grasp the feeling, the emotion, the very core of each mother’s unique grief experience.

It was an unfamiliar road that I suddenly found myself on when my four-year-old son passed away on June 3, 1998. It is my hope that this book can serve as a kind of roadmap for others who are new in the journey—one that provides hope, comfort, and guidance in the long road to healing that lies ahead.

CHAPTER I

The Experience of Loss

and Finding Meaning

THE LOSS of a child is unlike any other loss. The very factors that contribute to the bond and intimacy of the parent-child relationship are the same ones that make the bereavement experience so intense.

Cleiren (1993) stated that grief and bereavement are natural reactions to the death of a loved one, but coping with the loss can be especially painful and sometimes traumatic when the loss is of a child (Barrera, D’Agostino, Schneiderman, Tallet, Spencer, and Jovcevska, 2007). Such a loss can profoundly impact and shape all areas of a parent’s personal and professional life. Although most learn to cope with the loss, and even report positive changes in relationships, Barrera (2007) cited Miles & Crandall (1983), who explained that there is a debate nonetheless regarding the impact of the loss and whether or not it may place parents at increased risk of mental health problems as it can profoundly affect the personality at its very core (Rando, 2000; Rubin and Malkinson, 2001; Vance, Najman, Thearle, Embelton, Foster, and Boyle, 1995).

Unlike other losses, a child’s death often comes without warning before his or her expected time to die. Insofar as a child’s development depends largely on the quality of the attachment relationship with his or her parent(s), being a parent is an underestimated developmental achievement that engenders a sense of identity and purpose (Rubin and et al., 2001). When a child dies, many parents not only experience sadness over losing a valued member of the family, they feel that a part of themselves has somehow died as well (Malkinson and Bar-Tur, 2005).

The death of a child is a life-shattering experience for parents. It goes against the natural order of the universe where parents are expected to care for the child, and that the child outlives the parent. When one’s child dies, a major portion of the parent’s energy can effectively die with the child (Ronen, Packman, Field, Davis, & Long 2009).

Meaning reconstruction was introduced by Neimeyer (2000) as a critical aspect in the resolution of grief. Neimeyer further discussed two component processes involved in meaning reconstruction: sense-making and benefit-finding. These are two separate aspects reported by bereaved individuals which indicate how adaptation to loss tends to evolve over a period of time. Although the majority of bereaved parents find a way to resume productive lives, studies have shown that grief symptoms in parents who outlive their children frequently endure throughout their lifespan (Keesey, Currier, and Neimeyer, 2008).

As parents grieve for a child, the breadth and depth of loss are enfolded into their lives, defining a new identity shaped by grieving (Arnold and Gemma, 2008). Grief unfolds as the parent lives with loss and tries to build a new normal or a new assumptive world without the dead child, in a new and transformed reality (Arnold and Gemma, 1994).

In her landmark study comparing adult bereavement following the death of a parent, spouse, and child, Sanders (1980) found significantly higher intensities of grief among those who survive the death of a child. Parental grief on the death of a child is profound, regardless of the years since death, the age of the child at the time of death, and the cause of the child’s death (Arnold and Gemma, 2008). The death of a child is a deep and unique loss that binds bereaved mothers who are joined by this experience, unparalleled and known only to them in ways that cannot easily be communicated to others.

A bereaved parent may, after some time, cease to exhibit the medical symptoms of grief, but the parent does not get over the death of a child. Parenting brings permanent change in an individual. Therefore, parental bereavement is, in many ways, a permanent condition (Klass, 1984-1985).

MEANING-MAKING

The attempt to reaffirm or rebuild a world of meaning that has been challenged by loss makes up the core theme of our lives to the extent by which we organize our life stories around the caring commitments that bond us to significant others. The loss of a loved one can undermine one’s sense of self and of the world, and the sense of one’s future. Often, a mother has not only to seek for meaning in or an explanation of the death and loss itself, but also find new meaning in her life as a bereaved mother. The goal therefore is to find a new meaning and a new normal by which she can build her new life after her child is gone.

Frankl (1946) wrote in his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, that he who has a why for living can tolerate nearly any how. This implies that we are able to find some meaning to the experience of loss, that finding meaning can provide us with the resource so that at some point, even the tragic event itself can be accommodated and integrated into our lives. Although some bereaved parents do not feel compelled to search for meaning, evidence suggests that the grieving process can be especially painful for those who attempt but fail in such a quest (Davis, Wortman, Lehman, and Cohen Silver, 2000).

In a study of HIV-infected women, Discovery of meaning and adherence to medications in HIV-infected women (from the Journal of Health Psychology, 12, 627 – 63), Westling, Garcia, and Mann (2007) found that the discovery of meaning helped a great deal in making them adhere to the medication required to keep them healthy in spite of their condition. In this book, writing was used as a primary tool for the discovery of meaning. It highlights the discovery of meaning as an important predictor in the sense that it leads individuals to engage in healthier behavior.

Stories, therefore, represent a primary human way of knowing (Bruner, 1986) or assimilating structure (Mancuso, 1986), with the absolute telos being the construction of meaning (Gonclaves, 1995). At its most fundamental level, a narrative is the form by which everyday experiences are modulated and processed to construct a meaningful story of one’s life, thereby making personal identity ultimately a narrative achievement. That is to say, a cohesive sense of self becomes organized in the stories we tell to and about ourselves, the stories that relevant others tell about us, and the stories we enact in their presence (Neimeyer, 2006).

For a narrative to be successful in endowing experience with meaning, however, it must project a valued endpoint, building on life events that are congruent with this implicit goal (Gergen and Gergen, 1986). An integrated narrative further encompasses the dimensions of setting, characterization, plot and theme, thereby providing an orientation to the respective where and when, who, what and why of the life story (Neimeyer, 2000). A breakdown in any of these components can disturb one’s psychological equilibrium and engender painful difficulties with meaning-making (Neimeyer, 2001).

SENSE-MAKING

Sense-making as a crucial component of restoration with trauma victims initially emerged in the work of Janoff-Bulman and Frantz (1997). Broadly speaking, it refers to how well the potentially traumatic experience fits into the survivors’ existing assumptive worldview (Parkes, 1971), or the ordering principle for their psychological constructions of themselves and their larger psychosocial worlds (Kauffman, 2002).

Sense-making denotes both the process of searching for understanding post-loss and the outcome of the searching process at any given moment; and the comprehensibility of the loss or the survivor’s capacity to find some kind of benign explanation for the seemingly inexplicable experience, often framed in philosophical or spiritual terms.

BENEFIT-FINDING

Conversely, benefit-finding refers to the significance of the loss and entails the survivor’s paradoxical ability to uncover a silver lining in the personal or social consequences of the loss, such as enhanced empathy, reordered life priorities, or a closer connection to other people or God. Apart from these distinctions, sense-making and benefit-finding may each denote both the process of searching for meaning after losing a child, and the outcome of the search at any given moment.

Although the formal criteria for complicated grief (like all psychiatric diagnoses) tend to individualize distress, it is worth emphasizing that the processes entailed in constructing and validating a (new) self-narrative are inherently social, insofar as we necessarily rely on the intimate validation of our sense of self by particular others, as well as communal and cultural discourses on identity that define our social roles both before and after bereavement (Neimeyer, 2005; Neimeyer et al., 2002).

Thus, a broadly narrative framework can provide a helpful heuristic for identifying sources of invalidation that arise not only within the experience of the bereaved person, but also in family, communal and perhaps even larger contexts of transcendent meanings (Neimeyer and Jordan, 2003).

THE USE OF NARRATIVE BY BEREAVED WOMEN AS A TOOL FOR MEANING RECONSTRUCTION

Spence (1982) argued that the aim of any form of psychotherapy is not the uncovering of historical truth but the creation of narrative truth, being the construction of a personal account that makes sense and allows the client to live a meaningful life.

Other key tenets of the narrative approach include a reauthoring of the life story, identifying themes, deconstructing meanings and viewing the therapist as simultaneously the audience, co-constructor and editor of the client’s story (McLeod, 1996; White and Epston, 1990). As we narrow our focus, it is proposed that the central goal of doing narrative exercises with bereaved mothers is to help them integrate these fragmenting experiences more adequately and promote the ongoing revision and expansion of their life narratives over time.

A further theoretical framework of relevance to complicated grief focuses on struggles with meaning reconstruction in the aftermath of bereavement (Janoff-Bulman and Berger, 2000; Neimeyer, 2001). From a constructivist perspective (Neimeyer and Raskin, 2000), profound loss challenges the coherence of the bereaved individual’s self-narrative, defined as an overarching cognitive affective-behavioral structure that organizes the ‘micro-narratives’ of everyday life into a ‘macro-narrative’ that consolidates our self-understanding, establishes our characteristic range of emotions and goals, and guides our performance on the stage of the social world (Neimeyer, 2004, pp. 53-54).

In keeping with both cognitive science (Barsalou, 1988) and neuropsychological (Rubin and Greenberg, 2003) research on narrative processing, human beings are viewed as