Primed for Life: Writings on Midlife by 18 Men

EDUARDO CASTRILLO

Rage and Fire

amid the stinging smoke of an intense battle, a concerned hand touched my shoulder and asked me, What do you think and feel in your midlife? I was stunned! Nonstop activities and living life to the hilt have made time pass so swiftly that I was caught totally unaware by the question.

For one whole day, my life stopped at the realization that indeed I am in midlife. Ah, midlife, I thought. If one does not know who one is or where one is going, forget it, man. You’re gone and lost.

First, my thoughts turned to my far from perfect physical body. When I am sitting amid my metal forms, I can feel my sturdy companion still whole but tired and battered. Then I remembered how lean my body used to be, held up by sturdy and agile athletic legs and balanced off by a protruding butt with an occasional but painful boil. I still have the lean body but my legs have become like petrified wood. Thank goodness the boils on my butt are gone, along with the fat that once filled up my form.

With a wry smile, I remembered how, whenever I shaved my neck, I could feel the skin flirting with the edges of my razor blade, swiftly and neatly. Today, the sad fact is that I have to hold my skin down while shaving (otherwise it travels all the way up to my chin, there compressing itself into a mound of folds, all its elasticity gone). In the past, too, I could work continuously for 50 hours, then doze off for a few hours on my scaffolding before going back to the job. Now, after working a full 20-hour day, my whole body, pulled heavily by gravity, longs only for sweet rest, after four hours of which I wake up furious because I have lost a great deal of working time.

I have become apprehensive about displaying my frailties at the beach. Even as I want to puppy-paddle in water, I have to plug my right ear, which was damaged during the days when I marched through the streets of Mendiola. There is a positive side to my damaged ear, though, when nagging is directed at it. My right and left arms and the tendons in my shoulder have weakened, torn by too much hammering against hard metal and several falls from scaffoldings.

My teeth used to be stronger. I could easily open bottles with them and juice eight sugarcane stalks a day. It meant nothing when I lost my teeth during the many street fights of my youth. Now, my teeth are living testimonies to an old gladiator—scarred, broken and plastered to prolong their existence.

As a teenager, I wore my hair a la James Dean and Elvis Presley, held in place by cheap pomade. My friends and I would show up at every possible occasion, strutting like eager peacocks with our sculptured hair. Then I graduated to the mop style of the Beatles and much later I let my hair grow very long, hoping it would reach my buttocks, hippie style. Elvis Presley and James Dean personified my generation. The Beatles articulated our motto, Let it be. The Black Panthers fortified the symbol of rebellion. The hippies were the conscience of my generation. And "Makibaka!" was the patriotic cry for freedom.

Now, as I stand in front of the mirror, I hear the echoes of my rock-and-roll past and catch myself shielding my eyes from the glare of the reflection from the back of my head. I stare at the remaining brave strands of hair and find great similarities to the barren landscape created by the eruption of Pinatubo.

As a whole, my body requires tuning and care as I find physical reactions and coordination lagging behind the strength and speed of my mind. I feel like a half-century-old race car that keeps running on rugged roads, battling the traffic of Metro Manila. I do not know when I will conk out but I will always try to extend my mileage. To my endless amazement, though, the vital part of my male body remains untamed and still puts me in a lot of trouble.

The bitter and painful struggle to grow and achieve is now a thing of the past. My life is like a serialized comic strip of adventures and misadventures, each one of them memorable. Born into a generation of parents busy reconstructing a nation from the debris of war, I grew up in the street jungles of this chaotic city where survival was only for the tough and every breath or laughter was a resounding reward, a sign that one was still alive, on top and kicking.

Ah, midlife. This is the stage when my wounds from the past are healing although sometimes they itch to be scratched. I have to be careful, though, for they may bleed again and my healing capacity is now slower and the time to heal much shorter. This is the time to reconcile and be comfortable with who I am. I can trace the passage of time by the many scars left inside me. And there have been many. From where I am now, I am filled with wonder at how I was able to reach this position. The height makes me dizzy.

There were many things then that I took for granted, especially the experiences, painful but filled with wisdom, that have molded me into what and who I am. I thank God for all of them. When I was young, I never thought I had this gift, never even thought I had anything worth sharing. I used to feel vulnerable, useless, and worthless. Thrice I even tried to kill myself. When I realized I had so many gifts, I harnessed them all and maximized them, making my dreams tangible and experienced by others. I feel now that my life is like a rocket, boosted into space, forced to complete my mission or to disintegrate into cosmic oblivion.

At this stage of one’s life, one can make only a few changes without facing grief or fantastic consequences; one’s convictions should be fortified. One would look stupid if one were still making the same mistakes; and if one still has to prove something to oneself or to others, then one is a loser.

Now, more than ever, I feel like I’m being chased by demons. Thank God they’ve changed form and moved from inside my head to outside it. Their fangs are coming closer to my shrinking butt. (In my youth, I was always running after people but now I am the one hiding away.) These demons—commissioned works, scheduled shows and all the details and responsibilities that go with these, the demands and problems that crop up in relationships and the lives of people dependent on me—they all hover above my head like bees ready to sting. I feel I have lost myself to the God-given purpose which I have made my mission. My time, my totality, is preoccupied with my ideals and dreams but I know the challenges will never wane. The few times I stare into the horizon, I miss the adventures of my youth, the bumming around, the poetry of life, the beauty of uncertainty. Inside me, I long for a life that has no responsibilities and no rewards. Yet what surrounds me is a world I have fashioned with so much responsibility. I fear I will always be a stranger in a world of my own creation. At least, I can still light a cigarette and humor myself to sanity.

I have no fears for myself because I know I have done enough in life. What I worry about is how I will fulfill my obligations to my children and to the men who depend on me, and how I can continue providing for their needs while enhancing my contribution to society and humanity. With the passage of life, we evolve through many relationships—family, friends, community—and many commitments. I feel insecure about how I can fully express my love and attention. I find that as I go through life, my responsibilities parallel the volume of my work and the challenges of my career. They are both growing and demand time.

My life and gifts are all from the Creator. His teachings ordained me to be responsible and share these gifts with others. But, with all my human limitations, being responsible is difficult. (I wish I had more than one physical body.) My presence is constantly required and the efforts to express my love for my loved ones are limited by my work. We cannot just verbalize love and passion.

How do I divide myself then? My physical body needs vital rest and solitude to think, plan, and create. I am happy, though that some responsibilities in my younger life have been accomplished by other people. What I could not do for the people I love, they have done for themselves, growing positively, happily and strong. As a parent, I would like my children to accomplish something by themselves without my help.

Creating huge pieces of sculpture and monuments is unlike the other art disciplines. Many people do not realize the difference between the visual arts and the other artistic disciplines. For example, the performing arts require stage presence and outright acceptance by the audience. Their existence can be remembered only through documentation. The visual arts are similar to literature in that their expression will be available even to future generations and will face public scrutiny —appreciation or criticism—from time to time.

The sculptor’s expression is unique because, aside from the original ideal, it requires a tremendous managerial process, plus the awareness of the growing natural environment. It also means community relations, working with other professionals like architects, engineers, common laborers, craftsmen, the clients, their needs and principles. He must likewise work with nature and tame his material. I have to do all these for my work. It is so difficult. My environment is chaotic, always full of people working and moving. In the past, I would run off to Tibet, climb mountains or enjoy the beach. With no suitable space for solitude meditation now, I have learned to block myself off mentally at even in a noisy cockpit I can feel alone and enjoy the solitude or meditate. At the same time, I remain sensitive to everything that is going on.

As I lie on my scaffolding, I think of the times when I had the luxury of being atop a mountain, hearing the gentle breeze sprinkle my face with water droplets. I think of a scene like that and I fall sound asleep. At this stage of my life, I believe my mind has attained some mastery over matter.

I DO NOT KNOW why, at this stage of my life, I am often asked about women more than about my art. I must have given people the wrong signal about my priorities. My art is the priority of my life but the unavoidable essence of my healthy life is to coexist with Woman. I cannot fathom life without the blessing of the feminine. Women do not realize that they possess the real essence of nature—with their aesthetic forms, their graceful feline movements, their alluring scents and their contradictory natures.

In my opinion, there is no ugly woman, only an ugly person. I have never been intimidated by a strong woman’s powers and talents, much less by her physical prowess. But my knees crumble at her tenderness and sweet passions. I have long believed that women are stronger, thus I find no reason for them to prove it. Ever since men became civilized, they have given their natural domain over to women. Many of us men hang on to a losing battle while consciously knowing we have been taken in. (The result is either violence against or intimidation of Woman, who is very close to nature; of course, nature will always prevail, and so will Woman.)

In my midlife, I have found that earning love and losing my loved one are equally frightening, for love earned leads to a relationship that requires tender attention and time. And time is the luxury I do not possess. If I lose the person I love, I lose a great part of myself. I feel pain when I cannot meet the demands of a good relationship. Caring for another and losing love bring on guilt and painful memories, but this salty-sweet-sour champoy side of life is very alluring and a great ingredient in the human drama, and so I have happily plunged headlong into the waters again. Yee-ha!

I AM inspired and deeply moved by the struggle for life and survival of the little people in the streets. A child pushing a cart filled with objects he has picked up, a vendor tending her small stall at the market, sweaty laborers, dusty drivers—these are my everyday heroes. I am inspired by the nobility of honest, sensitive and progressive public servants, talented men and women in literature and the arts, honest civic and social leaders, fearless public defenders and most of all, patriotic leaders. I do not need inspiration to create art. But I constantly seek inspiration to live. I see it in people such as these, in their great purpose for living. They induce me to participate in the process of survival and human refinement. I see them proudly struggling and when I think all the talents and gifts given to me for my use, I am inspired go on. They inspire me to enjoy life to the hilt.

I have total faith in God and in man’s gifts with which to conquer nature for his natural needs. Each man must find the ability to combat and master himself for the welfare of the greater majority. Everything that exists in this world is interrelated. Each form has a purpose but just the same relies on another. We are all part of this great mystery of nature and the universe. All the things we need are here.

We do not really create, we only discover, innovate, imitate nature. We are given free will to mold society and create order. We are all created differently and unequal to each other, precisely to give us the opportunity to dignify ourselves and devise ways to make us all think and live as equals. That is why I am maximizing my time in this world. I work with a rage, an all-consuming fire that has never cooled. I hurry to accomplish more so I can help uplift the aesthetic, cultural, and historical consciousness of the masses for the knowledge and refinement of their spirit. This is my humble contribution to our proud race and to national posterity.

I BELIEVE that Love is the true gravity in life. Each day, we see our city throbbing with life. Everyone seems to be hurrying to go to work. Why? We hurry because we love. We hurry to earn for our loved ones’ needs. We hurry to work for love of ourselves, for love of our powers and pride, for love that is made altruistic by service and patriotic and ideal for humanity. People, societies, and countries would break apart without love. Without love, life loses its meaning for it is only love that promotes the desire for order. Like a world without gravity, without love, we would all fly loose in the space of insanity, destruction, even extinction.

There will come a time when man will realize that all existing religions and spiritual practices will lose meaning and be drawn to the conclusion that all their teachings are the same—to dignify man’s existence in this world as a spiritual being. As exemplified by our different Gods and Masters like Christ, Buddha, Mohammad, and Krishna, the essence of all religions is that love allows us to dignify our lives as it relates to others. They differ in the tapestries of their religious histories, philosophies and beliefs. The systematic practice is the same for all: to glorify God and Man.

I believe that all religions lead us toward a big cyclic sphere and when spiritual awareness reaches this level, we are all brought together into an awareness of One Spiritual and Humane Order of Reality which is Love and the preservation of humanity. Only then will animosities and separatist individuals, wars and chaos cease to exist. It is only when we become fully conscious of our place in humanity and the universe that we will all find Love, our Creator, our God, which is really in ourselves.

In this life, I am a Christian and a Catholic. Yet I have come to a point in my life of being totally open to all other beliefs, religions, and faiths. I hope I can see the time when men and women will come to terms and concentrate their efforts on making this world a true and living paradise for all.

WHEN I WAS young, I kept asking myself how I could make a difference, how I could help inspire pride in my country. Now I would like to challenge the people of Manila to be more responsible for the development of the provinces and the countryside, not only socio-politically but also culturally. I would like to help draw up a program for the recognition of the cultural history of the regions.

At this stage, I challenge myself to make significant cultural monuments in the provinces. The way is not easy, though. As a creative person, I face the difficulty of being subjected to politicians, bureaucrats, and institutions who call the shots in our society and dictate the artistic contributions to the country. We artists sometimes feel that we are nothing without the honors given by these politicians, people who do not understand or even have a vague notion of the creative spirit, the world of art or the artist’s lifeways.

I feel pain when I see senior artists frustrated by their lack of recognition or commissions because they do not win coveted awards. On the other hand, I also see those who have won awards—how they fan themselves with these, as if these were the crowning glory that make their life worth living. Awards can be quick flattery for one’s vanity, but they can never be the only confirmation of artistic life and expression. True, serious artists are elated by the very process of creation, like an athlete whose greatest moment is the game itself.

I am content now. There are no more honors, accolades and awards that can thrill me. What more can I ask for? The significant works I have made will surely last beyond my lifetime. These and those which I will still make will always be available to the masses and to many generations to come. I have made visual symbols of our racial history and pride, and of our identity as a people. In this aspect, I can never be frustrated. I will go on working, focusing on maximizing my gifts as a creative artist. I am thrilled to be working on gigantic projects while trying to live like a simple guy—enjoying my strengths and weaknesses, living my life away from all the norms dictated by society, living with my particular style and truths that do not hurt others.

For almost 30 years, I have been working hard and I have lived a portion of my life in the reality of the dreams I have attained. At the same time, I am doing all I can and creating a storm of activities: historical monuments all over the country, significant commissions abroad, preparing exhibitions, creating sculpture for institutions, corporations and private collections, fashion jewelry, designing buildings and parks, and carrying out other tasks that maximize the use of my limited creative gifts. I am balancing my interpersonal relationships with my community and my colleagues in the arts that likewise nurture me. I am enjoying them. I seek now to help further educate the public about our heritage and the refinements of life and the arts. I try to guide my children’s growth and work on my relationships with my loved ones and friends and many others who have given me opportunities to prove my worth.

My real dream, however, is that someday I can look up at my Creator and say that I have done my life’s work with all my gifts and limitations. Then I can turn away from all my responsibilities and obligations and loiter in any place of my choice, alone, freed of restraining social and personal commitments. I would ask my Creator to allow me to enjoy the remaining years of my life as a bum.

IN MIDLIFE, we should look back and see what we have left behind and whether these have helped us grow. Are there cadavers, carcasses, ruin and debris, tears and hatred? Or have there been love, joy and things done for the enrichment of many that will surely brighten the way to posterity? Whatever our assessment, it is never too late. We still have time to make amends and rectify mistakes.

As for myself, I cannot be sure (as who can be?), but in my life I am always conscious of the positive things that I would like to leave behind. If I have brought tears to others, it was because I had to stand for my ideals and principles and the chosen role I am living. I look back and see the long bloodstain on the ground from the many wounds of the past, wounds inflicted by others and some of my own making. But I am not bitter. Instead I have learned to find relief from pain, but also to stay with it, to restrain myself from seeking reprisal or vengeance and to struggle to go on.

In my midlife, I accept myself and the world. I value every moment of being alive on this earth. I drink deeply of experiences and friendships that come my way. I try very hard to manage my time, prioritizing projects, people and events according to what is constantly enriching and life-giving. If I die now, I will be a happy man because I have enjoyed, and am still enjoying, life to the fullest.

I have concluded that it