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    Best Joke Book: Volume Two
    Best Joke Book: Volume Two
    Best Joke Book: Volume Two
    Ebook136 pages1 hour

    Best Joke Book: Volume Two

    By Paul D Kennedy

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    About this ebook

    The second Best Joke Book contains hundreds more fantastically funny jokes, plain and ribald ... culled from a joke-bank that has taken half a lifetime to assemble. Most of the jokes are a quarter to half a page long. They are interleaved with a wide selection of shorter jokes and one-liners ... such as ' Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue' and ' My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying' ... ideal attention grabbers in a pub or at a late night get-together. A word of caution, however: some of these jokes are extremely funny and you could be knocked out just by reading them ... remember, though, if you wake up breathing, you’ll have been given another chance.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherPaul D Kennedy
    Release dateAug 12, 2014
    ISBN9781310635380
    Best Joke Book: Volume Two
    Author

    Paul D Kennedy

    Paul D Kennedy was born in Ireland and educated at Trinity College, Dublin. As a business consultant and writer he has enjoyed a varied career in the UK and the Far East, and especially in the Arabian Peninsula where he was based in Kuwait for nearly 20 years. Indeed he was the liaison officer for the Irish community in that country during the Iraqi invasion and occupation in 1990. After the war he established a career in Kuwait as a radio presenter, business consultant, writer of books and articles, and a publisher of guide books and consumer magazines. He is currently living in County Dublin, Ireland, where he runs an international management consulting and editorial business.

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      Book preview

      Best Joke Book - Paul D Kennedy

      Best Joke Book

      Volume Two

      Paul D Kennedy

      Smashwords edition

      Copyright 2012 Paul D Kennedy

      Smashwords edition, licence notes

      Thank you for purchasing this eBook. You are welcome to share it with your friends. This book may be reproduced, copied and distributed for non-commercial purposes, provided the book remains in its complete original form. If you enjoyed this book, please return to Smashwords.com to discover other works by this author. Thank you for your support.

      Read the author’s profile at Smashwords

      You can contact the author through:

      www.bestjokebook.com

      Email: [email protected]

      *****

      Stop worrying and start laughing ... the world won’t end today … you see it’s already tomorrow in Australia.

      *****

      I had a leaflet through my door this morning. Big headline:

      ARE YOU AN ALCOHOLIC?

      Then a phone number: 212-826-7087

      CALL NOW! WE CAN HELP.

      So I called and they did help ... it was Sam's Liquor Store and they gave me a special offer:

      BUY 5 AND GET 2 FREE.

      *****

      The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

      The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

      The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

      It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did.

      The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord! he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?''

      The old Chief calmly replied, ''Vietnam''.

      *****

      Both politicians and diapers need to be changed often and for the same reason.

      *****

      One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.

      The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

      Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week. The cop was happy and left the shop.

      The next morning when the barber went to open up, a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts were waiting for him at his door.

      Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week. The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

      *****

      There was a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed but didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?

      *****

      A lady walks into a roof-top bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

      Magic Beer, he says.

      She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,

      That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?

      Yes, I'll show you. He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.

      The lady can't believe it. She says, I bet you can't do that again.

      He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window. She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, Give her one of what I'm having.

      She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

      The bartender looks up at the guy and says, You know, Superman, you can be a real asshole when you're drunk.

      *****

      George Bushisms

      If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.

      The future will be better tomorrow.

      *****

      With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and was home again, I went to visit.

      May I see the new baby? I asked.

      Not yet, she said. I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.

      Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, May I see the new baby now?

      No, not yet, she said.

      After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, May I see the baby now?

      No, not yet, replied my friend.

      Growing very impatient, I asked, Well, when can I see the baby?

      When he cries! she told me.

      When he cries? I demanded. Why do I have to wait until he cries?

      Because I forgot where I put him, OK?

      *****

      A Husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room, Please come quickly. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel.

      The manager responded, Sir, that's a personal matter.

      Husband, You idiot, it's a maintenance matter ... the window won't open!

      *****

      This old guy loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, Pick me up.

      He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, Pick me up.

      He looked in the water and there, floating on a leaf, was a frog.

      Are you talking to me? the old guy asked.

      The frog said, Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up and kiss me, and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll be your bride. Your friends will be green with jealousy!

      The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.

      The frog said, Didn't you hear what I said? Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.

      The old man opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.

      *****

      Sign for donkey rides in Thailand:

      WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

      *****

      A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

      On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous blonde walks by and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices this and comes over to him.

      Sir, did you call me? she says.

      The man replies, No, what do you mean?

      She says, Ah, you must be new – let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies that you called for me. Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool where she lays down and happily lets him have his way with her.

      The man then continued to explore the sites facilities, visiting the sauna. As he sits down he passes wind very noisily and within seconds a huge, horrible, corpulent man appears from the steam room.

      Did you call for me? he says.

      The man replies, No, what do you mean?

      You must be new here said the hairy man, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you fart it means you called for me.

      The huge man then spins the newcomer around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

      The newcomer then staggers back to the main office where he is greeted by a smiling naked receptionist.

      May I help you sir? she says.

      The man yells "Here's my membership card and room key. You can keep the $500 membership fee because all I want

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