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    The Atomic Shepherd
    The Atomic Shepherd
    The Atomic Shepherd
    Ebook44 pages32 minutes

    The Atomic Shepherd

    By Frankie Lassut

    ()

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    About this ebook

    Each year, the World’s Biggest Liar competition is held at the Bridge Inn at Santon Bridge, way up there in the wilds of the Cumbrian North West of England. Whoever tells the most convincing lie gets the trophy.
    Frankie couldn’t make it in 2012, so he wrote out his lie instead and put it in this book so the world can now enjoy it instead of a few yokels in the pub. Unfortunately, Frankie’s lie is actually the truth, about his old mate Joss Naylor, who used to be involved in the competition. The book is also filled out with several other stories all suitable for the competition ... the 2013 winner is shown, but not his story of course.
    Included is the tale of Beatrice Potter, a woman who lived in Frankie’s old home town of Millom in Cumbria.
    Enjoy!

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherFrankie Lassut
    Release dateDec 5, 2013
    ISBN9781910103128
    The Atomic Shepherd
    Author

    Frankie Lassut

    I am the one being shaved; the other one Nim, is is a looney bin now!I went to see a psychic years ago who ended up as my girlfriend; she didn’t see that one coming! But she was extremely honoured. However it ended badly i.e. it rained heavily as I buried her body and I got soaked. No! You don’t really want to hear about it, it’s depressing; I was joking about the burial. She told me that I was to uncover a talent I had ... Well, another psychic told me that as the first one was dead; I was lying when I said I was lying. Nothing happened for quite a while. Suddenly I realised I needed a ‘job’ quite badly as I was beginning to drink halves. No, not a boob ‘job’! I went for the cheap option i.e. the surgeon gave some socks to shove up my jumper when I go out. I got a ‘job’ (have you got boobs on your mind?) because someone told me that bus-driving was easy because you just sit on your butt and turn the wheel. She was about six, a wise woman ... that’s called an oxymoron. Fantastic! I thought get the job and in a couple of days I’d be driving all the nice passengers around and about seeing all the sights for a fraction of the cost of a tour bus; and we’d have a roof in case it rained. Easy! First of all though there was the training; and I entered hell.I was born in Cumbria in a little ex-iron ore mining town called Millom. It was only small, a one- horse town; the horse was called Peg. It had a pedigree name too, but I can’t remember it at the moment: Peggy Suss? However, I got fed up and left as I was the only man in a town full of women and they were all lesbys; I’ve always been lucky. I went to Blackpool and attended the photographic college. I then moved to Coventry and met the psychic who would tell me what was going to happen. I could say now that the rest is history. Well it is, but obviously not history as that’s all made up anyway. Then I got the job bus-driving, which as I said is easy ‘you just sit on your butt and turn the wheel’. The bus station management weren’t pleased that she had said that though, so she was tried and sent to Guantanamo Bay; they have a section for young kids who are bad to the bone.The job was so mad that I thought it would be a good idea to write out some posters and stick them all on the wall of the bus station. The other drivers enjoyed them, but the management tore them down, the badstars (that’s an anagram of astards +B). I carried on and ended up with a manuscript for a book, which, by the way is ‘brilliant’. The management didn’t like it, but bollocks to them.I couldn’t stop writing after that episode and I’ve been writing ever since, mostly cheques to people, such as the mortgage people and the gas board etc. I am so brilliant that I’ve lost all my friends because I wrote about them in my style which I believe is called Bizzaro. My inner being is a bit of a crazy horse, because whatever I write it has to be in that style, even the horror. It just goes that way. ‘Ordinary’ writing to me is like lemonade minus the bubbles ... I can’t bring myself to do it; but thank God I can still bring myself off. I need a selfie stick as I do that because the close focus on the phone won’t do it; how else am I going to post them on the Dark Web?Writing is like a drug. When I was writing my Millom book, the pictures that flashed into my head were so funny to me that I laughed myself into hernia-ville; my stomach tore. I got injured writing.You see, hernia-ville, a retirement home for people with stomach hernias; no comedians are booked to appear at that place.So, my writing is brilliant, so read the bloody stuff!I have actually suffered for my art. I won’t go to hospital to get it fixed because, well, I’ve written about that friggin place too.All that and now I’m an international bestselling author. I’m the only author in this world who has sold books on Mars (eat your heart out Tony Robbins), so I can say with certainty that Martians have fabulous senses of humour.What a profile!

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      Book preview

      The Atomic Shepherd - Frankie Lassut

      The Atomic Shepherd

      Copyright by Dave Lassut 2013

      Published by Wonky Books at Smashwords

      EPUB ISBN: 978-1-910103-12-8

      BOOK ISBN: 978-1-910103-13-5

      This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

      ***

      THE GUILD OF NAUGHTY WRITERS.

      Frankie is founder member of the Guild, which protects writers from people who get offended and, has contacts with the Russian mafia and the Chinese Triads ... both of these parties and the Guild exchange Christmas cards every year.

      ***

      Cover picture:

      Artist: The author, who took a picture of a cushion bought in the Lakes. Original artist? Haven’t got a clue. Contacted the cushion maker but she said she bought the material in.

      Medium: Digital camera

      On Display on: The author’s settee.

      This was the original cover picture.

      Artiste: Author.

      Title: Joss leaping majestically across two Lakeland peaks.

      Background: Sellafield and the Isle of Man at the end of the green streak (pilchard spawn).

      Medium: Crayons, felt tips, luminous paint ... and huge skill

      Bemusing, mind twisting art gallery description

      that only clever people pretend to understand:

      Not drunk enough to do one unfortunately.

      NAGSD (Non Art Gallery Style Description).

      Joss Naylor, famous shepherd and Cumbrian fell runner (seventy six is the new 25), leaps majestically between two Lake District peaks. Yes, he can run up and down rocky mountains too! Not just cissy grassy mounds. In the background, the Sun sets Sellafield glows (the Sun has already set ... easy mistake). The Irish Sea is calm and the Isle of Man glows green in its early evening greyness (why’s that?).

      How much more beautiful do you want? Less green?

      ***

      Here we go.

      Joss Naylor is a famous fell runner (among fell runners), a famous shepherd, a family man, and a Sellafield atomic plant worker (you may have seen him on TV featuring in the Sellafield Visitor Centre advert?). Recently, at 76, he ran several thousand miles over the fells with only a bowl of porridge for breakfast (that’s what it said in the Whitehaven

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