Counseling

COUNSELLING APPROACH TO ABUSE (A Major Cause of Vices in the Society) By : Okafor Johnsteve Udochukwu. Acknowledgement I sincerely want thank the almighty God for the ideas and the strength to put this together, and I want to acknowledge my lecturers in the university of porthacourt, Department of Educational psychology Guidance and Counseling The lecturers of pilgrims university, Department of theology and mission and to my friends and supporters, may God bless you all. Amen. Dedication This book is dedicated to students’ researchers and those who is experiencing or have experienced any form of abuse. Content Chapter One Introduction to counseling Chapter Two Abuse in General. Chapter Three Rape Chapter Four Emotional abuse Chapter Five do Additional things to know and what to References. INTRODUCTION Majority of the problem we are having as a person, group or nation is as a result of our experience in the past, most of our experiences reflects on our personalities which shapes our contribution to the society. Our parents, Guidance or friends abuse us and we even abuse ourselves unknowingly and this abuse has a psychological effect in our minds and we all know that whatever we think of we demonstrate. We will shortly look into the abuse in Nigeria. Abuse in Nigeria is a problem as in many parts of Africa. There is a deep cultural belief in Nigeria that it is socially acceptable to hit a woman to discipline a spouse and to abuse a child with the mindset of training him or her. Domestic violence is widespread and shows no signs of lessening in Nigeria. Research found a nationwide increase in abuse in the past 9years from 21% in 2011 to 45% in 2020. Abuse takes many forms including physical, sexual, emotional, and mental. Traditionally, domestic violence is committed against females. Common forms of abuse against women in Nigeria are rape, acid attacks, molestation, wife beating, and corporal punishment. The Nigerian government has taken legal proceedings to prosecute men who abuse women in several states. There is currently a push in Nigeria for federal laws concerning domestic violence and for a stronger national response and support for abuse issues and Bill have be passed for the punishment of Rape which is among the types of abuse to be 21 years in prison. Physical Violence Women often face physical violence at the hands of their family members. The most common forms of physical violence include rape, murder, slapping, and kicking. Some of the reasons that were given for physical abuse include their husbands being drunk, financial issues, and the rejection of a partner's sexual advances. Relationship inequality is also a strong indicator of physical violence. High levels of wife beating occur when the woman is making more money than her husband or partner is. This has been attributed to the lack of control the male partner feels within the relationship. Women also often link the perpetration of physical violence with husbands who are very controlling. Women who justify wife beating are more likely to be victims of physical violence. Another form of abuse which has received a lot of recent attention in Nigeria is acid baths. Acid baths are actions of violence where the perpetrator throws acid onto his or her victim's body, resulting in disfigurement and possible loss of eyesight. Acid baths are a large issue for women that needs to be addressed. In 1990, a former beauty queen rejected her boyfriend's attempts to rekindle their relationship. In retaliation, he threw acid in her face with the words "let me see how any man will love you now". Sexual Violence Sexual violence in Nigeria largely goes unreported because of the burden of proof necessary for conviction as well as the social stigma it brings. Nigerian police have not been seen to arrest for sexual assault resulting in less reporting of the act. About 25% of women reported forced sex at the hands of either their current partner or a former partner. Furthermore, the 2008 Demographic and Health Survey showed that over 30.5% of married women have experienced at least one or more forms of physical, emotional or sexual violence in their marriage. Influencing factors The social context of violence in Nigeria is based largely on its patriarchal society. Violence against a wife is seen as a tool that a husband uses to chastise his wife and to improve her. common loss of women's rights upon marriage in Sub-Saharan Africa and the implicit obedience and deference towards men is socially encouraged within their society. The Yoruba women refer to their husbands as “olowo ori mi” meaning "the one who paid my bride price". In effect, marriage gives up a woman's right to herself. In practices where a bride price is paid, it is common for the husband to believe that by paying the bride price, he now owns his wife. The act of marriage is seen to give the husband full ownership of the woman. She surrenders her right to her body to him as well as her agency. Other factors linked with Abuse are lower socioeconomic classes, substance abuse, couple age disparity, and unemployment. Another cause of Abuse is infertility. When looking at a study taken by infertile woman visiting a fertility clinic, many women reported some form of domestic violence- whether physical, mental, or emotional. There were also trends showing that the Yoruba tribe women were more likely to experience violence in this case and some igbo women are exposed to Emotional abuse by their husbands family or mother inlaw to be precise. Perceptions The perceptions of Abuse vary based on region, religion, and class. For example, the Tiv view wife beating as a “sign of love” that should be encouraged as evidenced with the statement, "If you are not yet beaten by your husband then you do not know the joy of marriage and that means you are not yet married". All the major ethnic groups in Nigeria- Yoruba, Igbo, and Hausa- have strong patriarchial societal structures that lead to the justification of Abuse. However, the Hausa are more supportive of domestic violence and viewing it as an inherent right of a husband. There are differences in the perceptions of domestic violence varying across reasons. There are higher numbers for instances like neglecting the children or going out without telling the husband and less for refusal of sex or a mere argument. Many of the reasons that are viewed as acceptable for domestic violence are largely subjective to a husband's interpretation. For example, common acceptable beatings among men are lack of respect for husband, stubbornness, imposition of will on husband, and failure of wifely duties. The 2008 NDHS did a study to view the acceptability of wife beating in Nigeria. They put forward five scenarios and asked both men and women. With women, there were trends found in viewing wife beating as more acceptable. It was viewed as more acceptable in rural areas, among married versus unmarried women, uneducated women, and poor women. The reason most viewed as justified for beating was going out without telling the husband. The relationships were about the same for men. Responses Women experiencing domestic violence have varying responses and differences in who they report their abuse to. In a study done in Ilorin, Nigeria, a large number of women reported their abuse to family and friends while not many decided to go to the police to file a report.The rationale behind not going to the police is various such as the fear of victim-blaming, acceptance of violence as proper reaction, and the lack of police action. One major issue facing the domestic violence issues in Nigeria are the tendency for low reported rates. A study looking at domestic violence in southwest Nigeria found that only 18.6% reported experienced or acted violence between themselves and their spouse.However, the same study also shows that 60% of the respondents claimed to have witnessed violence between a separate couple. These statistics show that there may be a tendency for underreporting which can occur for various reasons. One main reason for the high levels of under-reporting are that it is seen as taboo to involve the police in family matters. They view the separation of the two as important and the police force ascribes to this notion as well. Police hesitate to intervene even with lodged complaints unless the abuse goes over the customary amount usually seen in the region. Experience of Pregnant Women Pregnant women experience high levels of domestic violence in Nigeria. They are subject to violence not only from their spouses, but also from their in-laws. In a study, they found that the most common type of domestic violence was to be physically assaulted and then, also be victims of forced sexual intercourse. A study in the nation's capital, Abuja, carried out over a course of 3 months in 2005 showed physical, sexual, and psychological abuse among pregnant women. One third of the female respondents reported experiencing domestic violence. They found psychological abuse to be the highest type of abuse followed by physical and then sexual. Women who experienced psychological abuse also experienced physical abuse. In terms of the physical abuse, about 20% of the women required medical treatment due to the abuse and the most frequent medical complication reported was premature labor. A big issue across many African countries, not just Nigeria, is the poor reproductive health systems women are provided with. Most of the women in need are women who have been exposed to sexual violence and rape, yet the country is not able to provide them with the aid they need. Overall, the trends of domestic violence against pregnant women permeate across different ethnic groups and Nigerian states. The trends are consistent with other parts of Africa and the attitudes towards violence against pregnant women are in conjunction with the aforementioned trend viewing domestic violence as permissible under certain circumstances. Experience of HIV infected Women In Nigeria, there is a correlation between being infected with HIV and domestic violence. Women who are diagnosed with HIV are at high risk for intimate partner violence. With HIV, there is also a tendency to stay in abusive relationships. In a study of 652 HIV positive pregnant women in Lagos, 429 women reported being the victims of violence. Of those reporting violence, 74% of the respondents said the abuse occurred after the disclosure of her HIV status. Women reported verbal abuse, threat of physical violence, and sexual deprivation once they disclosed her HIV positive status. Psychological abuse was the most commonly reported version of received violence. Predictors of violence were women's age, marital status, disclosure and partner's educational status. The highest levels of IPV among the HIV infected were found in the age group years old. Among the husbands, the highest levels came from those with an educational attainment of secondary school. More of than not, they were in a polygamous marriage. Women who are victims of domestic violence are also at a higher risk of contracting HIV through various mechanisms. It becomes more difficult for them to adopt safe sex practices especially in the case of sexual abuse and forced sexual acts. The trauma of the domestic violence also ends up impacting later sexual behaviors. Laws While domestic violence is a violation of fundamental human rights, which the Nigerian Constitution is against, there are still provisions that make it legal to engage in domestic violence against women. The provision of the Penal Code applicable in the Northern part of Nigeria specifically encourages violence against women. Underneath its provisions, the beating of a wife for the purpose of correction is legal by use of (Section 55 (1) (d) of the Penal Code). Nigeria ratified the convention for the Elimination of Discrimination against Women in 1985 but international treaties can only go into effect when Parliament has put in a corresponding domestic law thereby limiting the international treaty to disuse. Rape is criminalized and under the law, the sentence can range from 10 years to life. There are also fines of about 1,280 dollars. Amnesty International criticized Nigeria's judicial system due to its conviction rate of 10 percent of rape prosecutions. In an attempt to battle the issue of police discretion and inactivity, Lagos (big city in Nigeria), held a two-day sensitization workshop on Domestic Violence law as it applied in the state. In May 2013, Nigeria's National Assembly passed a bill to reduce gender-based violence, which is awaiting Senate approval before it becomes law. The Violence against Persons Bill gave harsher punishments for sexual violence and also provided support and measures such as restraining order to prevent the continuation of abuse. When cases do make it to court, they are usually stagnant. In 2010, the traditional king of Akure physical and bloodily assaulted one of his wives resulting in her death. At the urging of the public, the police made a statement that they would press charges. The case was dismissed in Organizations Nigeria has some non-profit organizations and nongovernment organizations that attempt to provide support for victims of domestic violence. The Women and Child Watch Initiative is a nonprofit providing support to women and children who are victims of domestic trials such as violence and forced marriages. They also organize training programs for female lawyers to defend women's rights in domestic violence in court. The “Unite to End Violence against Women” campaign was initiated alongside the declaration of “16 days of activism against violence against women”. This campaign was especially important in Nigeria when calling attention to the issue of brutality against women In 1985, Nigeria validated the Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination against Women, otherwise known as the CEDAW. The organization works with the sole purpose of abolishing discrimination against women. Chapter one Introduction To Counseling C ounseling is a type of talking therapy that allows a person to talk about their problems and feelings in a confidential and dependable environment. A counsellor is trained to listen with empathy (by putting themselves in your shoes). They can help you deal with any negative thoughts and feelings you have. Sometimes the term "counselling" is used to refer to talking therapies in general, but counselling is also a type of therapy in its own right. Other psychological therapies include psychotherapy, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), and relationship therapy, which could be between members of a family, a couple, or work colleagues. What is counselling used for? Talking therapies such as counselling can be used to help with many different mental health conditions, including: depression anxiety borderline personality disorder (BPD) obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) long-term illnesses eating disorders, such as anorexia and bulimia drug misuse How counselling can help ? Counselling aims to help you deal with and overcome issues that are causing emotional pain or making you feel uncomfortable. It can provide a safe and regular space for you to talk and explore difficult feelings. The counsellor is there to support you and respect your views. They won't usually give advice, but will help you find your own insights into and understanding of your problems. Counselling can help you: cope with a bereavement or relationship breakdown cope with redundancy or work-related stress explore issues such as sexual identity deal with issues preventing you achieving your ambitions deal with feelings of depression or sadness, and have a more positive outlook on life deal with feelings of anxiety, helping you worry less about things understand yourself and your problems better feel more confident develop a better understanding of other people's points of view Counselling can often involve talking about difficult or painful feelings and, as you begin to face them, you may feel worse in some ways. However, with the help and support of your therapist, you should gradually start to feel better. In most cases, it takes a number of sessions before the counselling starts to make a difference, and a regular commitment is required to make the best use of the therapy. What to expect from counselling? During your counselling sessions, you'll be encouraged to express your feelings and emotions. By discussing your concerns with you, the counsellor can help you gain a better understanding of your feelings and thought processes, as well as identifying ways of finding your own solutions to problems. It can be a great relief to share your worries and fears with someone who acknowledges your feelings and is able to help you reach a positive solution. Counselling can take place:     face to face individually or in a group over the phone by email  WhatsApp  Facebook chat  Any social media chat apps that recognize privacy policy or using a specialized computer programmed You may be offered counselling as a single session, as a short course of sessions over a few weeks or months, or as a longer course that lasts for several months or years. Trusting your counsellor A good counsellor will focus on you and listen without judging or criticising you. They may help you find out about how you could deal with your problems, but they shouldn't tell you what to do. For counselling to be effective, you need to build a trusting and safe relationship with your counsellor. If you feel that you and your counsellor aren't getting on, or that you're not getting the most out of your sessions, you should discuss this with them, or you can look for another counsellor. Alternatively, you could pay to see a private counsellor. Many counsellors and counselling organisations offer a sliding scale of fees where the more sessions you have, the cheaper it becomes. Who provides counselling? As counselling involves talking about sensitive issues and revealing personal thoughts and feelings, your counsellor should be experienced and professionally qualified. Different healthcare professionals may be trained in counselling or qualified to provide psychological therapies. These include: counsellors “ trained to provide counselling to help you cope better with your life and any issues you have Clinical and counselling psychologist healthcare professionals who specialize in assessing and treating mental health conditions using evidence-based psychological therapies Psychiatrists“ qualified medical doctors who've received further training in diagnosing and treating mental health conditions Psychotherapists similar to counsellors , but they've usually received more extensive training; they're also often qualified applied psychologists or psychiatrists Cognitive behavioral psychotherapists may come from a variety of professional backgrounds and have received training in cognitive behaviora l therapy; they should be registered and accredited with the British Association for Behavioral & Cognitive Psychotherapies (BABCP). Counsellors in Nigeria must be under a body of counseling and with a master degree in the area of counselling before recognized as a professional counselor, there are two main counselling body in Nigeria' The Counselling Association of Nigeria (CASSON) and The Association of Professional Counsellors Of Nigeria (APROCON). Chapter Two Abuse in General What is Abuse? A buse as a verb is explained as, use (something) to bad effect or for a bad purpose; misuse treat with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly speak to (someone) in an insulting and offensive way. Abuse is hurtful mistreatment of other people. It may include physical, sexual, or emotional Abuse is a form of violence in which one person harms another physically or emotionally. The abuser often uses an advantage of size, power, or influence to hurt or mistreat the target of the abuse, who may be smaller, younger, or weaker. Abusers can include: a parent, guardian, or teacher who hits a child a parent or guardian who neglects a child a caregiver who hits or shakes a crying baby a caregiver who hits or neglects an elderly or disabled person  a spouse, a date, or an intimate partner who beats or rapes the other intimate partner  an adult who asks or forces a child to engage in sexual activity  anyone who taunts or harms another because of age, race, gender, beliefs, or sexual orientation.     Abuse is a problem for the person who has been abused, for those who witness the abuse, and for society at large. Statistics indicate that abuse may contribute to a cycle of violence whereby abused children can grow up to become abusive adults and parents. Abuse occurs when people mistreat or misuse other people, showing no concern for their integrity or innate worth as individuals, and in a manner that degrades their well-being. Abusers frequently are interested in controlling their victims. They use abusive behaviors to manipulate their victims into submission or compliance with their will. Physical and sexual abuse greatly exacerbate the risk of substance use disorders. Abuse has particularly far-reaching effects when it occurs during childhood. 6 Different Types of Abuse The commonly held definition of abuse, which we use in all of our trainings, is “a pattern of behavior used by one person to gain and maintain power and control over another.” One thing to note about that definition is that we are talking about a pattern of behavior, in other words, not just one incident. These behaviors can take on a number of different forms. Many people, when they hear the word “abuse,” think of physical violence. It’s important to note that physical force is one means of power and control and it is far from the only one. It’s often not the first one an abuser will use. Below are six different types of abuse we discuss in our training with new volunteers or employees. 1. Physical This is the type of abuse that many people think of when they hear the word ‘abuse.’ It can include punching, hitting, slapping, kicking, strangling, or physically restraining a partner against their will. It can also include driving recklessly or invading someone’s physical space, and in any other way making someone feel physically unsafe. 2. Sexual While sexual abuse can be a form of physical abuse, we put it in a category by itself because it can include both physical and nonphysical components. It can involve rape or other forced sexual acts, or withholding or using sex as a weapon. An abusive partner might also use sex as a means to judge their partner and assign a value – in other words, criticizing or saying that someone isn’t good enough at sex, OR that sex is the only thing they’re good for. Because sex can be so loaded with emotional and cultural implications, there are any number of ways that the feelings around it can be uniquely used for power and control. It wasn’t until 1993 that marital rape was illegal in all 50 states, so some people may still assume that sex is something a partner is entitled to, and not recognize it as a larger pattern of power and control. 3. Verbal/Emotional As one survivor puts it, “My ex-husband used words like weapons; like shards of glass, cutting and slowly draining my life, until I had nearly none left. I didn’t think I was abused because he didn’t hit me- usually… I had begun to believe his awful lies- how worthless I was, how stupid, how ugly, and how no one would ever want me.” Other survivors have pointed out that while the signs of physical abuse might be noticeable to a friend or family member, the effects of verbal/emotional abuse are harder to spot, and harder to prove. Emotional scars can often take longer to heal. 4. Mental/Psychological Mental or psychological abuse happens when one partner, through a series of actions or words, wears away at the other’s sense of mental wellbeing and health. It often involves making the victim doubt their own sanity. We’ve heard stories of abusers deliberately moving car keys (and in one case, the whole car!) or a purse, dimming the lights, and flat-out denying that certain things had taken place. The result of this, especially over a sustained period of time – and often with the isolation that abusers also tend to use – is that the victim depends on the abuser more and more because they don’t trust their own judgment. They also hesitate to tell anyone about the abuse they’re experiencing, for fear they won’t be believed. Angela, a participant in one of our Support Groups, said, “He had called me crazy so many times, I was unsure if anyone would ever believe me about the abuse.” 5. Financial/Economic Because abuse is about power and control, an abuser will use any means necessary to maintain that control, and often that includes finances. Whether it is controlling all of the budgeting in the household and not letting the survivor have access to their own bank accounts or spending money, or opening credit cards and running up debts in the survivor’s name, or simply not letting the survivor have a job and earn their own money, this type of abuse is often a big reason why someone is unable to leave an abusive relationship. Many of the survivors we work with have problems with their credit, because of an abuser’s past behavior. A bad credit history can affect your ability to get an apartment, a job, a car loan, and any number of other things necessary for selfsufficiency. We work with survivors to get these issues resolved, but social safety nets such as food stamps, cash assistance, and health insurance can provide a much-needed bridge in the meantime. 6. Cultural/Identity Cultural abuse happens when abusers use aspects of a victim’s particular cultural identity to inflict suffering, or as a means of control. Not letting someone observe the dietary or dress customs of their faith, using racial slurs, threatening to ‘out’ if their friends and family don’t know, or isolating someone who doesn’t speak the dominant language where they live – all of these are examples of cultural abuse. Abuse is a commonplace event in modern times, taking on many different forms, including physical, sexual, emotional, and verbal abuse, occurring in many different contexts, including the home (domestic violence, spouse rape, incest), the workplace (sexual harassment), and in institutional (elder abuse, bullying) and religious and community (hate crime) settings. It touches victims across the lifespan from children through elders. Abuse is a serious social and cultural problem affecting everyone whether as a victim of abuse, a perpetrator, a friend or confidant of an abused person looking for ways to be helpful, or simply as someone who is angered by injustice and wants to work for positive change. If you are currently being abused, or have been abused in the past, you should know that you do not suffer alone. Right now millions of people around the world struggle to maintain dignity, safety and self-worth in the face of ongoing abuse. Millions more people struggle to recover from wounds they have sustained during past abuse. You should also know that help is available for victims of abuse, although it is not always easy to access. Community abuse resources (such as domestic violence shelters), mental health professionals, law enforcement, and various other organizations, websites and printed resources can provide instruction and assistance for people who need help removing themselves from abusive situations. Victims of abuse often find themselves dealing with serious psychological and physical consequences of having been abused. There are various forms of counseling, psychotherapy, medical and self-help resources available for people who have been abused and want assistance and support for managing problems and issues they have developed as a result of being abused Such post-abuse issues are sometimes called 'abuse sequela' by health professionals. While no therapy is capable of erasing the effects of abuse, such resources can provide real and meaningful assistance in helping to minimize the negative effects of abuse. Human Diseases and Conditions Human Diseases and Conditions Behavioral Health A-Br Abuse Abuse Abuse is hurtful mistreatment of other people. It may include physical, sexual, or emotional (ee-MO-shun-al) mistreatment of children or adults. KEYWORDS for searching the Internet and other reference sources Battering Child abuse Child neglect Child sexual abuse Family violence Incest Interpersonal violence Intimate partner violence Shaken baby syndrome Victimology What Is Abuse? Abuse is a form of violence in which one person harms another physically or emotionally. The abuser often uses an advantage of size, power, or influence to hurt or mistreat the target of the abuse, who may be smaller, younger, or weaker. Abusers can include: a parent, guardian, or teacher who hits a child a parent or guardian who neglects a child a caregiver who hits or shakes a crying baby a caregiver who hits or neglects an elderly or disabled person a spouse, a date, or an intimate partner who beats or rapes the other intimate partner an adult who asks or forces a child to engage in sexual activity anyone who taunts or harms another because of age, race, gender, beliefs, or sexual orientation. Abuse is a problem for the person who has been abused, for those who witness the abuse, and for society at large. Statistics indicate that abuse may contribute to a cycle of violence whereby abused children can grow up to become abusive adults and parents. Why Do People Behave in Abusive Ways? There is no single cause for abusive behavior, but there are many factors that seem to make it likelier that an adult will abuse others. Growing up in an abusive family is one contributing factor. Other factors include: -alcohol or substance abuse that leads to loss of self-control -unemployment, lack of education, discrimination, and other factors that cause financial difficulties -marital problems -undiagnosed mental illness -antisocial personality disorder that leads the abuser to disregard the rights of others. Human Diseases and Conditions Behavioral Health A-Br Abuse Abuse Abuse is hurtful mistreatment of other people. It may include physical, sexual, or emotional (ee-MO-shun-al) mistreatment of children or adults. KEYWORDS for searching the Internet and other reference sources Battering Child abuse Child neglect Child sexual abuse Family violence Incest Interpersonal violence Intimate partner violence Shaken baby syndrome Victimology What Is Abuse? Abuse is a form of violence in which one person harms another physically or emotionally. The abuser often uses an advantage of size, power, or influence to hurt or mistreat the target of the abuse, who may be smaller, younger, or weaker. Abusers can include: a parent, guardian, or teacher who hits a child a parent or guardian who neglects a child a caregiver who hits or shakes a crying baby a caregiver who hits or neglects an elderly or disabled person a spouse, a date, or an intimate partner who beats or rapes the other intimate partner an adult who asks or forces a child to engage in sexual activity anyone who taunts or harms another because of age, race, gender, beliefs, or sexual orientation. Abuse is a problem for the person who has been abused, for those who witness the abuse, and for society at large. Statistics indicate that abuse may contribute to a cycle of violence whereby abused children can grow up to become abusive adults and parents. Why Do People Behave in Abusive Ways? There is no single cause for abusive behavior, but there are many factors that seem to make it likelier that an adult will abuse others. Growing up in an abusive family is one contributing factor. Other factors include: alcohol or substance abuse that leads to loss of self-control unemployment, lack of education, discrimination, and other factors that cause financial difficulties marital problems undiagnosed mental illness antisocial personality disorder that leads the abuser to disregard the rights of others Family violence may lead to "learned helplessness," a form of passivity and hopelessness that people experience when they believe that abuse is an inevitable and inescapable part of their lives. Shelters often offer counseling and therapy to help battered women learn how to overcome learned helplessness and escape from abusive situations. Stock Boston Family violence may lead to "learned helplessness," a form of passivity and hopelessness that people experience when they believe that abuse is an inevitable and inescapable part of their lives. Counsellors often offer counseling and therapy to help battered women learn how to overcome learned helplessness and escape from abusive situations. lack of coping skills to deal with anger and impulsive behavior lack of coping skills to deal with stressful situations, such as the care of a disabled child or a dependent elder. Abusers often want to deny the seriousness of the problem, evade responsibility for their own abusive behavior, and shift blame to the other person. Abusers may say that the person being abused was "asking for it," but abuse is not the fault of the child or adult who has been abused. No one "deserves" to be abused or neglected Chapter three RAPE R ape is an unlawful sexual activity involving sexual intercourse done forcibly or under threat of injury against a person’s will. It is estimated that approximately 35 percent of women worldwide have experienced some form of sexual harassment in their lifetime. The majority of countries that have data available on rape, report that less than 40 percent of women who experience sexual violence seek help, while less than 10 percent seek help from law enforcement because of stigma and shame. In the last few days, we have seen hashtags calling for justice on the lives of rape and sexual assault victims and we wonder why, how and where these occurrences took place without witnesses to the stories we hear. Rape and sexual violence are more common than most people realize and there is still a lack of clarity about the true extent of rape. However, figures from the British Crime Surveys show that at least 1 in 4 women and 1 in 30 men experience rape or a serious sexual assault at some point during their lives. In North Yorkshire there are between 140 and 180 rapes reported to the police each year, but the true number of rapes is estimated to be at least 10 times this amount. The vast majority of sexual assaults and rapes are committed by men against women or girls they know. Many rapes or sexual assaults happen during childhood or in early adulthood and some people experience multiple rapes. People who rape can be ex partners, husbands, friends, relatives or complete strangers. They come from many different backgrounds and have different lifestyles. The majority of rapists appear likeable, respectable and unthreatening. Rape and sexual assault can be extremely violent - rapists may use weapons, threats or physical violence. Rape can also be quiet and manipulative. In any circumstance rape and sexual assault is wrong and it is always the fault of the rapist, not of the person who is attacked. In cases of domestic violence, rape is commonly used as a tool to further dominate and control victims.There are many myths that surround sexual violence and it is important to dispel these for several reasons. Myths about rape✓ Myths can make it more difficult for people to report what has happened or to seek help. This means that crimes go undetected, offenders continue to pose a threat to others and victims have no access to the vital support they need. Some of the most common myths include: Sometimes women make themselves vulnerable to rape by dressing or acting provocatively This is one of the oldest myths and is used as a justification or excuse for sexual violence. In reality women from all backgrounds, classes and ages are raped and how they act, look or what they wear has no impact on this. We know that children are raped, as are women in their 80s and 90s. Rape is an act of violence not of sex. Prostitutes can't get raped Prostitutes are very vulnerable to assaults and violence. Studies from the USA show that over 80% of prostitutes are regularly physically assaulted by 'customers' whilst over 60% are raped. Studies also show that the majority of women who work as prostitutes have been physically or sexually abused as children. Many women working as prostitutes do so because of drug or alcohol abuse that is linked to their painful experiences as children. Paying someone for sex does not provide violent men with permission to rape or physically abuse someone. You can't rape someone you're married to Rape within marriage has been illegal since 1991 - the law applies to everyone equally whether they are married or not. The fact that you are married to someone does not mean that you have control over what they do or when they have sex. Women often say no when they mean yes Rape is an humiliating, frightening and often violent experience that no woman wants or asks for. The law is clear - a person has the right to change their mind about having sex at any point of sexual contact. If a sexual partner does not stop at the time a person says no, this is sexual assault. This is true whatever the circumstances and whatever the relationship is between the two people. Consent must be given every time two people engage in sexual contact. Sex without consent is rape Most men who rape are mentally ill Studies have shown this not to be the case with very few convicted rapists being treated for a mental illness and only 5% showing signs of psychotic illness. Men who rape are sexually frustrated There is no evidence to suggest that men who are not in active sexual relationships are any more likely to rape than those who are. In fact studies show that the majority of men who are found guilty of rape are married or living with someone with whom they are having an active sexual relationship. Rape is a way of humiliating or exerting power over someone, it is not about the need to have sex. Most rapes happen when people have been drinking / taking drugs There is no evidence to support this - although some rapists might use it as an excuse. The law also makes it very clear that if a person is unconscious or their judgment is impaired by alcohol or drugs, legally they are unable to give their consent. Having nonconsensual sex with a person who is intoxicated is rape. Once a man is sexually aroused he cannot help himself, he has to have sex Men can quite easily control their urges to have sex and do so regularly. Rape is not about sexual gratification - it is an act of dominance and control and in many cases it is actually preplanned. If you don't fight back, you haven't been raped Men who rape will often use weapons or threats of violence to intimidate and terrify their victims. There is also a lot of evidence from both male and female survivors of rape that when we are attacked, the fear of violence makes us freeze and stops us from fighting back. This means that the likelihood of serious physical injury is reduced. The fact that there is no visible evidence of violence does not mean that a person has not been raped. People often make up stories about rape to cover up embarrassment following consensual sex The British Crime Survey shows that rape is actually hugely underreported to the police and false allegations of rape are still very rare. The police tell us that only about 5% of allegations of rape are false - this is in line with that of other crimes. Women should always stay off the streets late at night as this is the time they are most likely to be attacked The vast majority of rapes are committed by men against women they know in their own homes. Over 97% of callers to the national Rape Crisis line had been raped by men they knew or were in a relationship with. Women don't rape Under the current law only a man can be charged with the offence of rape as the penetration has to be with a penis. However, there are cases where women are assaulted by other women and in rare cases men have been seriously sexually assaulted by a woman. If the penetration is with something other than a penis, then the offence is assault by penetration. There are many effect of rape and some includes, Physical effects: These may be instantly obvious if the assailant has used violence during the assault and you may need immediate hospital treatment. However, it is also worth considering physical effects that might arise in the future such as sexually transmitted infections. If you don't report the rape and / or you don't want to use your local doctor, you can visit a local GUM (Genito-urinary medicine clinic) to get checked for infections. You can search the internet for details of your local clinic. Disassociation / emotional numbness: For many an initial reaction to being raped is one of shock and emotional numbness. Many people initially feel calm and shut off from what's happened. This reaction can sometimes surprise friends, family and professionals who expect survivors to be distraught immediately after an assault. However, disassociation is a natural defense mechanism and is perfectly normal. Usually after a few days or weeks you will begin to have a range of other reactions including anger, fear and shock. The effect of rape on victim✓ Fear: Depending on the circumstances you may feel fear about a number of things. You might have been physically threatened during the assault, you may be fearful of reporting to the police because you are worried about what this will lead to, you may feel reluctant to tell friends and family for fear of upsetting them. If you know the assailant or he knows where you live you might be afraid of continued violence. You might feel worried about becoming pregnant or contracting an STD. Later on you may worry about being able to be in an intimate or sexual relationship. All of these fears are absolutely normal and common and given time and support they can be overcome. Discussing them with a friend or counsellor will help. Embarrassment & shame: A significant number of people who've been sexually assaulted feel embarrassed or shameful about what has happened. Most of us find it difficult to discuss intimate things so it is not surprising that you might not find it easy to discuss what has happened with strangers or even friends. In these circumstances it is sometimes easier to talk to someone on a telephone helpline who should take things at your pace. Guilt: Feeling guilty when you've been raped is common. You may feel that you could have done something to prevent the attack or, if you know the attacker, you may feel that you somehow 'provoked' the rape. Remember, rape or sexual assault is never your fault – young girls and women in their 80's are raped. Men who rape have control over their behavior and no matter what you wear, what you drink or your relationship with the assailant you have the right to say no to sex. Practical factors: sexual violence can disturb your normal routine of living and many aspects of your life. You may feel a strong need to get away and to make practical changes in your life. Your priority should be to feel safe. Do whatever you need to do to get back your feelings of security and safety. Get a guard dog, install extra outside lights, leave interior lights on, get an alarm system, invite friends or family members to sleep over, buy hand held alarms, etc. It is not silly to want to protect yourself. Do what makes you feel comfortable and safe. Depression: Depression can be expected as you start to come to terms with or recover from any major trauma or emotionally charged event. Dealing with the memory of the assault as well as the things that follow (the police, telling friends and family going to court, having medical examinations etc.) can be extremely draining physically and mentally. Recurrent dreams and nightmares: You may experience recurrent dreams and nightmares as your brain tries to process, understand and recover from what has happened. This is normal and the nightmares usually become less frequent over time. Talking about them with someone you trust will help – it might not stop the dreams altogether but it will help them seem less powerful and overwhelming. Everyone will need different forms of support to help them through the experience of sexual assault or rape. Some people will find it easy to talk to friends and family and other people will need the help of impartial professionals. You may also need different support at different times of your life. Many people believe they have recovered from a rape that may have happened years ago only to find that watching a TV programmed triggers old memories and feelings. Whether you need help because of something that's happened recently or something in the past there are a range of options open to you. Tips on how to help yourself and how to speak out.✓ Immediately following rape: If you've just been raped consider getting yourself somewhere where you feel safe. For example do you have a trusted friend or relative you could be with or confide in? Once you are somewhere safe, it's up to you if you choose to report to the police what's happened. Reporting rape: If you do decide to report, you can call 999 or the non-emergency number on 101. If you report a rape that's happened recently, a forensic medical examination will be carried out and you will be asked for a statement about what's happened. Your physical examination should be done by a specialist doctor and your statement will be taken by a specifically trained police officer. The police should also give you more information about support that you can access including info about Independent Sexual Violence Advisors. . If you report a 'historical' rape, you will still be asked for a full statement and given information about local support services. If you don't want to report the rape then consider whether you need medical attention - not only for immediate physical injuries but also to check for sexually transmitted infections, pregnancy etc. Support and advice: If you are unsure what to do next or don't know what support is available to you, you can phone the Rape Support Line (0300 111 0777) and talk things through with a worker. The national Rape Crisis line is also available most days on 0808 802 9999 Independent Sexual Violence Advisors (ISVA): If you have reported to the police you should be able to access support through an ISVA. An ISVA will provide you with information about the court process including keeping you informed about charging decisions, court dates and so on. They will also be able to accompany you if you need to give evidence in court. Counseling and long term therapy: There are many different organizations and services that offer counselling and therapy. Some specialize in offering support about rape and sexual abuse and others offer counselling on a range of matters. Some organizations offer only one to one support whilst others also offer support groups. You can also ask your GP for a referral to a counsellor or psychologist. Chapter Four. Emotional abuse. K nowledge about Emotional abuse and its sign. Humiliation, negating, and criticizing Control and shame Accusing, blaming, and denial Emotional neglect and isolation Codependence Emotional Abuse does not always cause bruises that one can see. Emotional abuse targets the feelings and spirit of the person being abused, instead of the body. Forms of verbal and emotional abuse may include repeated name calling, hurtful ridicule (RI-dikyool), harsh criticism, cruel and disrespectful words, bullying, and threats of violence or harm. Emotional abuse can have serious long-term consequences: It may damage a developing child's sense of self-esteem. It may make it difficult for a child to make friends. It may make it difficult for a child to concentrate on schoolwork. It may make a child cautious or fearful about his or her safety, even in safe surroundings and situations. It may make a child seem too grown-up in behavior. It may be contribute to feelings of depression, hopelessness, and anger. When verbal abuse includes threats of violence, it may indicate that physical abuse and sexual abuse also are occurring. You probably know many of the more obvious signs of mental and emotional abuse. But when you’re in the midst of it, it can be easy to miss the persistent undercurrent of abusive behavior. Psychological abuse involves a person’s attempts to frighten, control, or isolate you. It’s in the abuser’s words and actions, as well as their persistence in these behaviors. The abuser could be your spouse or other romantic partner. They could be your business partner, parent, or a caretaker. No matter who it is, you don’t deserve it and it’s not your fault. Continue reading to learn more, including how to recognize it and what you can do next. Humiliation, negating, criticizing These tactics are meant to undermine your self-esteem. The abuse is harsh and unrelenting in matters big and small. Here are some examples: Name-calling. They’ll blatantly call you “stupid,” “a loser,” or words too awful to repeat here. Derogatory “pet names.” This is just more name-calling in not-sosubtle disguise. “My little knuckle dragger” or “My chubby pumpkin” aren’t terms of endearment. Character assassination. This usually involves the word “always.” You’re always late, wrong, screwing up, disagreeable, and so on. Basically, they say you’re not a good person. Yelling. Yelling, screaming, and swearing are meant to intimidate and make you feel small and inconsequential. It might be accompanied by fist-pounding or throwing things. Patronizing. “Aw, sweetie, I know you try, but this is just beyond your understanding.” Public embarrassment. They pick fights, expose your secrets, or make fun of your shortcomings in public. Dismissiveness. You tell them about something that’s important to you and they say it’s nothing. Body language like eye-rolling, smirking, headshaking, and sighing help convey the same message. “Joking.” The jokes might have a grain of truth to them or be a complete fabrication. Either way, they make you look foolish. Sarcasm. Often just a dig in disguise. When you object, they claim to have been teasing and tell you to stop taking everything so seriously. Insults of your appearance. They tell you, just before you go out, that your hair is ugly or your outfit is clownish. Belittling your accomplishments. Your abuser might tell you that your achievements mean nothing, or they may even claim responsibility for your success. Put-downs of your interests. They might tell you that your hobby is a childish waste of time or you’re out of your league when you play sports. Really, it’s that they’d rather you not participate in activities without them. Pushing your buttons. Once your abuser knows about something that annoys you, they’ll bring it up or do it every chance they get. Control and shame Trying to make you feel ashamed of your inadequacies is just another path to power. Tools of the shame and control game include: Threats. Telling you they’ll take the kids and disappear, or saying “There’s no telling what I might do.” Monitoring your whereabouts. They want to know where you are all the time and insist that you respond to calls or texts immediately. They might show up just to see if you’re where you’re supposed to be. Digital spying. They might check your internet history, emails, texts, and call log. They might even demand your passwords. Unilateral decision-making. They might close a joint bank account, cancel your doctor’s appointment, or speak with your boss without asking. Financial control. They might keep bank accounts in their name only and make you ask for money. You might be expected to account for every penny you spend. Lecturing. Belaboring your errors with long monologues makes it clear they think you’re beneath them. Direct orders. From “Get my dinner on the table now” to “Stop taking the pill,” orders are expected to be followed despite your plans to the contrary. Outbursts. You were told to cancel that outing with your friend or put the car in the garage, but didn’t, so now you have to put up with a red-faced tirade about how uncooperative you are. Treating you like a child. They tell you what to wear, what and how much to eat, or which friends you can see. Feigned helplessness. They may say they don’t know how to do something. Sometimes it’s easier to do it yourself than to explain it. They know this and take advantage of it. Unpredictability. They’ll explode with rage out of nowhere, suddenly shower you with affection, or become dark and moody at the drop of a hat to keep you walking on eggshells. They walk out. In a social situation, stomping out of the room leaves you holding the bag. At home, it’s a tool to keep the problem unresolved. Using others. Abusers may tell you that “everybody” thinks you’re crazy or “they all say” you’re wrong. Accusing, blaming, and denial This behavior comes from an abuser’s insecurities. They want to create a hierarchy in which they’re at the top and you’re at the bottom. Here are some examples: Jealousy. They accuse you of flirting or cheating on them. Turning the tables. They say you cause their rage and control issues by being such a pain. Denying something you know is true. An abuser will deny that an argument or even an agreement took place. This is called gas lighting. It’s meant to make you question your own memory and sanity. Using guilt. They might say something like, “You owe me this. Look at all I’ve done for you,” in an attempt to get their way. Goading then blaming. Abusers know just how to upset you. But once the trouble starts, it’s your fault for creating it. Denying their abuse. When you complain about their attacks, abusers will deny it, seemingly bewildered at the very thought of it. Accusing you of abuse. They say you’re the one who has anger and control issues and they’re the helpless victim. Trivializing. When you want to talk about your hurt feelings, they accuse you of overreacting and making mountains out of molehills. Saying you have no sense of humor. Abusers make personal jokes about you. If you object, they’ll tell you to lighten up. Blaming you for their problems. Whatever’s wrong in their life is all your fault. You’re not supportive enough, didn’t do enough, or stuck your nose where it didn’t belong. Destroying and denying. They might crack your cell phone screen or “lose” your car keys, then deny it. Emotional neglect and isolation Abusers tend to place their own emotional needs ahead of yours. Many abusers will try to come between you and people who are supportive of you to make you more dependent on them. They do this by: Demanding respect. No perceived slight will go unpunished, and you’re expected to defer to them. But it’s a one-way street. Shutting down communication. They’ll ignore your attempts at conversation in person, by text, or by phone. Dehumanizing you. They’ll look away when you’re talking or stare at something else when they speak to you. Keeping you from socializing. Whenever you have plans to go out, they come up with a distraction or beg you not to go. Trying to come between you and your family. They’ll tell family members that you don’t want to see them or make excuses why you can’t attend family functions. Withholding affection. They won’t touch you, not even to hold your hand or pat you on the shoulder. They may refuse sexual relations to punish you or to get you to do something. Tuning you out. They’ll wave you off, change the subject, or just plain ignore you when you want to talk about your relationship. Actively working to turn others against you. They’ll tell co-workers, friends, and even your family that you’re unstable and prone to hysterics. Calling you needy. When you’re really down and out and reach out for support, they’ll tell you you’re too needy or the world can’t stop turning for your little problems. Interrupting. You’re on the phone or texting and they get in your face to let you know your attention should be on them. Indifference. They see you hurt or crying and do nothing. Disputing your feelings. Whatever you feel, they’ll say you’re wrong to feel that way or that’s not really what you feel at all. Codependence A codependent relationship is when everything you do is in reaction to your abuser’s behavior. And they need you just as much to boost their own self-esteem. You’ve forgotten how to be any other way. It’s a vicious circle of unhealthy behavior. You might be codependent if you: -Are unhappy in the relationship, but fear alternatives -Consistently neglect your own needs for the sake of theirs -Ditch friends and sideline your family to please your partner -Frequently seek out your partner’s approval -Critique yourself through your abuser’s eyes, ignoring your own instincts -Make a lot of sacrifices to please the other person, but it’s not reciprocated -Would rather live in the current state of chaos than be alone -Bite your tongue and repress your feelings to keep the peace -Feel responsible and take the blame for something they did -Defend your abuser when others point out what’s happening -Try to “rescue” them from themselves -Feel guilty when you stand up for yourself -Think you deserve this treatment -Believe that nobody else could ever want to be with you -Change your behavior in response to guilt; your abuser says, “I can’t live without you,” so you stay What to do If you’re being mentally and emotionally abused, trust your instincts. Know that it isn’t right and you don’t have to live this way. Otherwise, your choices come down to the specifics of your situation. Here’s what you can do: Accept that the abuse isn’t your responsibility. Don’t try to reason with your abuser. You may want to help, but it’s unlikely they’ll break this pattern of behavior without professional counseling. That’s their responsibility. Disengage and set personal boundaries. Decide that you won’t respond to abuse or get sucked into arguments. Stick to it. Limit exposure to the abuser as much as you can. Exit the relationship or circumstance. If possible, cut all ties. Make it clear that it’s over and don’t look back. You might also want to find a therapist who can show you a healthy way to move forward. Give yourself time to heal. Reach out to supportive friends and family members. If you’re in school, talk to a teacher or guidance counselor. If you think it will help, find a therapist who can help you in your recovery. Leaving the relationship is more complex if you’re married, have children, or have commingled assets. If that’s your situation, seek legal assistance. Chapter Five. Additional things to know and what to do. Self-Abuse T he concept of Self-Harm is generally confined to acts of physical self-abuse, but observation of our own inner dynamics, reveals the same phenomenon taking place mentally, well before it manifests in our behaviour. In this article we explore three ways in which all but the most selfaware and emotionally intelligent are constantly compromising their mental health by indulging in addictive, repetitive and habitual cycles of thinking and feeling: 1. Imagination - To illustrate how we abuse our imaginations, a thought exercise may help: Stop whatever you’re doing and look at all the man-made artifacts that you’re surrounded by: tables, chairs, buildings, computers, cars etc. Each of these began life in someone’s imagination as a thought. It was conceived as a concept in the womb of a mind – the imagination. In many cases these creations are the results of millions of human imaginations interacting over decades, centuries and millennia. Our imaginations are, arguably, the single most powerful faculty that we are in possession of, to do with what we will. Your imagination is available to you at every waking moment of your life, to create whatever thought-form you desire, with no exceptions. But, of course, your imagination doesn’t care how it’s used – it is just a tool. So when you use it to create scenarios in which you imagine yourself to be less than you are, this is problematic. Using your imagination to create a self-image that is not professionally competent, in spite of your achievements, Imposter Syndrome, is a common form of abuse that most of us will experience. Another is the creation of imagined situations that we fear – the worst case scenario – sometimes masquerading as planning. The continued imagination of these outcomes with their attendant feelings - worry or anxiety - has a causal link to depression. But perhaps the most damaging way in which we use our imaginations against ourselves is through the creation of selfimages that deny our full potential: I can’t do that; I don’t deserve this; they have all the luck. 2. Sympathy – originally meaning affected by like feelings, Sympathy is the admission of others’ feelings into one’s own experience, rather like open guitar strings will vibrate in sympathy with a human voice. But the problem is fundamental: how can we ever be quite certain that we are feeling what the other is feeling? And even if we were able to experience another’s feelings, to what end? A surgeon needs no personal experience of a heart attack to perform heart surgery. A psychologist need not be a psychopath to work with one. The fact that I cannot feel someone’s emotions does not mean that I don’t want to help them. That I am aware of their distress is enough to evoke a compassionate response. Sympathy is an abuse of one’s own feeling system and can all too easily degenerate into ownership of, and responsibility for others’ challenges. This syndrome not only burdens the sympathizer with feelings they are not entitled to, it also interferes with the other’s ability to respond accordingly. 3. Criticism - entertaining negativity about your circumstances, yourself and your relationships is another form of self-abuse. The etymology of the word critic suggests a sense of separation into parts, and a discrimination between those parts. Hence the symbology of the sword of justice. A similar metaphor is used with regard to the intellect which is intended to be sharp, as in a rapier wit. So when the criticism is turned upon oneself, the sharp mind can inflict the most appalling damage on itself , reducing self-worth, self-esteem and self-confidence, to ultimately create a psychopathology. 19 ways one can abuse his or her self. “I’m not worthy of love. Nobody of any quality would want me.” “Why should I express my opinion? I’m an idiot. I don’t know anything.” “Why should I express my needs? I’m just being needy.” “Nice one! You opened your mouth and you made a fool out of yourself. Better just keep your mouth shut.” “I’m just being a baby. I’m too sensitive. Toughen up.” “I have no right to seek out new friends. They won’t like me anyway.” “If I spend money on myself, I’m going to anger my partner/mother/father, so I’d better not.” “My achievements? Yuck. They’re nothing. They are not impressive at all.” “I don’t have the right to dream. Who am I fooling? I’m not going to achieve it anyway.” “I’m wrong. I’m usually wrong. I’d better just keep my opinion to myself.” “My body is awful. I’m not sexy. Nobody would want me.” “I don’t know how it’s my fault but it’s my fault.” “I’d better not say anything because I don’t want to insult or offend anyone. Ever.” “It’s my fault (the other person) is unhappy.” “I’m an idiot. Fatty-McFatso. Dumbbell. Brainless Betty.” “I don’t deserve compassion. I brought it on myself. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” “My feelings don’t matter. Only babies are needy like that.” “I don’t have the right…” “So what if I say I’m stupid or worthless? I am. I’m just being honest. Learned Helplessness "Why doesn't she just leave him?" observers often wonder when they become aware of family violence. The answer most likely is what psychologist and researcher Martin Seligman and his colleagues call "learned helplessness," a form of passivity and hopelessness that people experience when they come to believe that abuse and violence are inevitable and inescapable components of their lives. People who experience violence regularly may give up trying to avoid or escape that violence. They may become passive and unable to create safety for themselves or their families. In her work on battered wives, psychologist Lenore Walker discovered that these women often remain with battering husbands because of learned helplessness. She found that battered wives who had learned to be helpless and passive needed counseling and therapy before they could learn how to escape from the abusive situation. Even if abused partners want to leave their abusers, leaving may not be an easy option. The abusing partner may increase the level of violence if the abused partner tries to leave the home. The abusing partner also may forbid contact with friends, neighbors, or inlaws; may withhold money or car keys; may stalk the abused partner; or may threaten children or pets. Physical Abuse Physical abuse affects the body as well as the head, heart, and spirit. Physical abuse may include a pattern of hitting, kicking, pushing, shoving, shaking, spanking, and harsh physical punishment. It may cause bruising or more serious injury, and even if it is called "tough love," it is in fact a form of violence. Physical abuse, particularly family violence, often is kept secret by the abuser, by the person being abused, and by other family members who fear the consequences of confronting the abuser. Signs that a child may be abused may include: unusual injuries that are not the result of normal play activities, for example, black eyes; injuries to cheeks and ears; injuries to stomach, back, thighs, and buttocks; human bite marks; and cigarette burns unusual tiredness or trouble sleeping or nightmares unusual sadness or crying unusual violence toward classmates or siblings or pets avoidance of parents or caregivers, such as reluctance to go home after school the same behaviors that result from emotional abuse Family violence Family violence often is referred to as domestic abuse. It includes all forms of intimate partner violence (spouse abuse or wife battering), child abuse and neglect, elder abuse, and child sexual abuse. Intimate partner violence most often involves men who are abusive toward female partners. Female-to-male domestic abuse also occurs, as does male-to-male and female-to-female abuse in same-sex couples. Research shows that child abuse and spouse abuse often happen in the same families. But even if child abuse does not take place along with spouse abuse, the child who witnesses family violence experiences many problems. Family violence limits the child's ability to feel safe and protected at home, and it may force the child to favor one parent over the other. It also may cause emotional and behavioral (bee-HAY-vyor-al) problems for the child at school or among peers. It may also lead to a broken home or custody dispute if a wife leaves the home for a battered women's shelter or if a child is removed from the home by a government child protection agency. Child abuse and neglect Child abuse is mistreatment of a child by a parent, older child, or other adult. Physical abuse toward a child may include hitting or kicking, pushing and shoving, or other types of harsh physical punishment. More than half of all cases of child abuse are believed to affect children younger than 8 years old. Shaken baby syndrome Parents and caregivers who shake a baby to try to make the baby stop crying can cause very serious injuries. Shaking a baby can cause bleeding inside the baby's eyes and brain. This may lead to vomiting, seizures * , brain swelling, blindness, hearing loss, mental retardation, brain damage, coma * , or even death. Shaken babies may or may not have bruises on other parts of their bodies that might signal physical abuse, but researchers estimate that up to 80 percent of serious head injuries in children younger than 2 years are the result of shaking. It is never okay to shake a baby for any reason. * seizures (SEE-zhurz) are'storms' in the brain that occur when the electrical patterns of the brain are interrupted by powerful, rapid bursts of electri-cal energy. This may cause a person to fall down, make jerky movements, or stare blankly into space. * coma is an unconscious state, like a very deep sleep. A person in a coma cannot awaken, move, see, or speak. * incontinent means unable to control urination or bowel movements. * dementia (de-MEN-sha) is a term that describes any condition that causes a person to lose the ability to think, remember, and act. When Children Go to Court According to tradition and common law, children are the "personal property" of their parents, and parents have the right to decide how to raise their own children. When parents abuse or neglect their children, however, government agencies may step in, because it is the government's responsibility to protect the safety and well-being of all children in the community. Doctors, teachers, school counselors, social workers, or neighbors may report child abuse to the police. Police or local child protection agencies may investigate homes in which possible abuse has been reported. Family courts may remove children from the home and appoint temporary guardians for them. And family courts may order a custody evaluation to decide whether it is safe for a child to be returned to a home in which the child has been abused. Children face many difficulties when they are required to testify in court. Court testimony causes anxiety for all witnesses, but for those who have been abused, the testimony itself can be especially difficult. Being required to remember and discuss past abuses may lead to intensified symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. Being challenged by attorneys about the reliability and accuracy of recall of events can be distressing. And being involved in a family court case can carry stigma within a child's peer group. Most important, testifying against a parent or family member whom the child loves may cause the child to feel guilty or disloyal, as if he or she is the abuser who has caused harm rather than the other way around. Doctors, social workers, and foster parents all can create a support network to help children prepare for court testimony and to care for them before and after the court date. Elder abuse and neglect Elder abuse may occur in families or in institutions such as nursing homes. Abuse may include neglect, hitting, pushing, shaking, giving elders too much medication, and putting elders in restraints that prevent them from leaving a bed or wheelchair. Elders who cannot take care of themselves, who are incontinent * , who need assistance with activities of daily living, or who wander away due to dementia * may be difficult and frustrating to caregivers, but it is never okay to hit or push an elderly person. Sexual Abuse Sexual abuse is unwanted, inappropriate, or forced sexual touching, contact, and behavior. Abusers may be male or female, and the person who is sexually abused may be adult or child, male or female, very young or very old, intimate partner or spouse, neighbor, student, or date. Incest is the term for sexual abuse by a member of one's own family. Sexual abusers often believe that the activity is a form of love or intimacy. Abusers may claim that the victim said "no" but that the abuser knew the victim meant "yes." But people who have been abused experience the violation of their personal boundaries and privacy as assault and violence. Child Sexual Abuse Child sexual abuse occurs when an adult or an older child pressures or forces a younger child into sexual activity. Sexual activity may involve pornography * , inappropriate touching by the child or the adult, or genital * penetration of the child's vagina * , anus * , or mouth. The abuser may be a family member or someone outside the family, but often it is someone the child knows and trusts. Sometimes sexual abuse happens only once, but in many cases it happens repeatedly with one particular adult. Consent Children who do not understand sexual behavior cannot give consent for that behavior. An abuser may want to believe that a child is a willing partner in sexual activity, but this is not true. Young children do not understand the complexity or long-term consequences of sexual behavior. They cannot consent to behavior they do not understand. Secrecy An adult who sexually abuses a child often tells the child to keep the sexual activity secret. Children who have been sexually abused often comply with the request to keep the activity secret because they feel ashamed and confused, because they do not understand the behavior and have difficulty explaining it to responsible adults, and because the behavior makes them uncomfortable and fearful. Children who try to tell their secret to an adult sometimes encounter disbelief, but they need to keep trying to tell the secret, because doctors, teachers, and school counselors can help children improve this difficult situation. Repressed memories If thinking about the abuse is particularly difficult, children may lock away all knowledge of the abuse in the deepest part of their memories, keeping the abuse secret even from themselves. This form of amnesia (am-NEE-zha), or memory loss, can last for many years according to many experts. Adults who have been abused as children report sometimes discovering a key to the deepest parts of the memory many years after the abuse has stopped. Known as "repressed memory," adult recall of child sexual abuse is considered a controversial topic. * pornography (por-NAH-gra-fee)refers to any material, like magazines or videos, that shows sexual behavior an d is meant to cause sexual excitement. * genital refers to the external sexual organs. * vagina (va-JY-na) Is the canal in females that leads from the uterus (the organ where a baby develops) to the outside of the body. * anus is the opening at the end of the digestive system, through which waste leaves the body. Signs of abuse Even if children deny to themselves or others that sexual abuse has taken place, signs may include: redness, swelling, pain, or bleeding of the genitals, anus, or mouth questions about sexual activity at a very early age sexual acts, words, or drawings at an unusually early age avoidance of certain people and places unusal fear or jumpiness at the mention of certain people or places sudden start of bed-wetting or soiling (losing control of bowel movements) sexually transmitted diseases urinary tract infections or pregnancy in young girls Like other forms of abuse, child sexual abuse is never the child's fault. Children who have been sexually abused often benefit from therapy to help heal the emotional hurt caused by abuse. Discrimination and Hate Crimes Sometimes people are abused because of race or ethnic background, disabilities, gender, sexual orientation, or religious beliefs. White supremacy, lynching, gay bashing, and ethnic cleansing are a few of the terms associated with these forms of abuse and violence. In many areas of the United States and the world, hate crimes are not yet specifically against the law. How Do Doctors Treat People Who Have Been Abused? People who have been abused often try to keep the abuse secret. They may be confused, ashamed, or afraid. They also may be trying to protect the person who has hurt them or trying to protect themselves from further abuse. Remaining silent, however, is not an effective way to end abuse. Confiding in a doctor can lead to protection from further abuse. A doctor who diagnoses abuse can treat injuries and infections that result from abuse and can refer patients to counselors, therapists, social workers, and child protection agencies Who? Whom? How Often? While no two abuse cases are exactly the same, there are some common patterns. Husbands abuse wives more often than wives abuse husbands. Male children are beaten more often than female children. Child abuse is more likely to occur in families that also experience intimate partner violence. Children with disabilities, particularly mental retardation or other cognitive (intellectual) impairment, are at higher risk of sexual abuse than other children. Approximately 3 of every 100 men in the United States assault an intimate partner. Approximately one of every four girls in the United States experiences sexual abuse. Approximately one of every six boys in the United States experiences sexual abuse. Approximately 90 percent of cases of child abuse are attributed to parents or other family caregivers. Only 10 percent of cases of child abuse are attributed to strangers. Approximately 80 percent of children who are sexually abused know their abusers. Abuse is an international problem. In 2001, the World Health Organization is scheduled to publish its first World Report on Violence and Health covering child abuse, youth violence, intimate partner violence, sexual violence, elder abuse, and other topics. How Do Mental Health Professionals Help People Who Have Been Abused? Sometimes it is necessary for the person being abused to get immediate protection. Shelters can provide women and children with a temporary safe place to stay. Foster care is a way for children to get immediate protection from abuse in the home. Although this can be a difficult situation for a family, sometimes it is necessary in order to keep abused people safe from severe injury or even death from family violence. Social workers and child protection agencies often provide these kinds of services. After immediate concerns for safety and injury have been attended to, therapists can help people who have been abused with their emotional wounds and post-trauma stress. Family therapists can teach families better coping skills, better parenting skills, and more effective ways to deal with anger, frustration, conflict, and the aftermath of earlier cycles of violence. Abuse is the intentional harm caused to another person. Abuse is an attempt to control the behaviour of another person. Abusers intimidate, use fear, threaten and can use violence and assault in order to achieve their desired outcome of control. Abuse can be physical, emotional, sexual, or financial. Emotional or psychological abuse occurs when one person exposes another to behavior that leaves lasting psychological repercussions. This may or may not be coupled with physical abuse, and can occur anytime there is a power imbalance – at home, in the workplace, at school, etc. Emotional abuse is manipulative and can cause the sufferer to believe that he or she is worthless. Bullying has unfortunately become an all too common occurrence in schools everywhere, and can have a lasting impact for the victim. Whether you or someone you love are currently being bullied, or have been bullied in the past with lasting psychological effects, a trained therapist can help you explore options to ease the burden. Sexual abuse and assault: unwanted sexual contact can leave both physical and emotional scars. This includes any sexual act in which one person has not consented or is being coerced through power, age or responsibility imbalance, or with the use of drugs or alcohol. Acts like having sexually explicit pictures of you taken without consent, inappropriate touching, or having someone expose their private parts or even send you unwanted pictures are all considered sexual abuse and assault. Sexual abuse and assault can have a lasting impact on one’s mental health. Physical (family) violence encompasses a wide variety of abusive behaviors including spousal abuse, child abuse, abuse between siblings, or extended family members living in the home. Family violence can include psychological/emotional, economic, verbal, or sexual abuse and physical violence. Often situations of family violence are complex and involve many different factors and relationships. WHEN IS IT TIME TO GET HELP? If you experience the following symptoms as a result of being in a relationship, you are most likely in an abusive situation and should seek help immediately: Emotional symptoms Mood swings Depression Low self-worth Lack of self-esteem Anxiety or a constant feeling of fear Fear of the abuser Fear of attending school, work or other events where the bully/abuser may be present Inability to break free from the abuser Feelings of shame Pulling away from friends and family Being withdrawn from everyday life Misplaced aggression towards other people or family pets Openly or secretly planning revenge Attempting to overhaul one’s looks or life to blend in Avoiding situations or changing your job, school or habits to avoid the bully/abuser Trust issues Feelings of numbness Shock and confusion Physical symptoms Night terrors Physical injuries Problems sleeping Issues with sexual identity or functioning Trauma response (PTSD) Sleeplessness Sleeping too much Lack of energy Flashbacks or nightmares of the abuse Memory issues Aches and pains Tense muscles ABUSE TREATMENT METHODS Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is an evidence-based approach to treatment that focuses on how your thoughts, emotions and beliefs influence your behaviour and how you perceive yourself, others and the world. CBT has been shown to be effective in dealing with anxiety because it helps you to change those negative thoughts, feelings, emotions and projections on a subject matter or circumstance and help you to learn more effective ways of dealing with your anxiety. This approach uses sound techniques to slow down, halt and eliminate your own learned reactions. Ultimately, CBT deals with those circumstances and events that you’re aware of, rather than dealing with circumstances and events relating to your unconscious. Through a sound therapeutic process, you’ll learn to respond differently to issues and circumstances, and you’ll learn healthy coping mechanisms. Person Centered Therapy approaches tend to create a level of a permissive and noninterventionist climate suggesting that the client knows best, rather than the counselor. Typically nondirective, counselors avoid sharing a lot of personal information about themselves with clients and tend to focus more on reflecting and clarifying the verbal and nonverbal communications that clients express to them. Generally, this humanistic approach tends to believe that people are essentially trustworthy and have a vast potential for understanding themselves while also being able to ultimately resolve their own problems when guided properly. Reality Therapy: Reality therapy generally believes that individuals choose their behaviour and as a result, are responsible for not only what they are doing, but also how they think and feel. The ultimate goal of reality therapy is to provide the necessary support of conditions to help clients develop the psychological strength to evaluate their own behaviour and acquire more effective behaviour on the under the umbrella of a warm, accepting counselling environment. One of the key important beliefs is that our behaviour is not caused by the environmental factors, but rather by our internal forces and choice, ultimately leading to the key focus of accountability within ourselves. Narrative Therapy is a form of psychotherapy that uses narratives to help people separate themselves from their problems. Initially developed during the 1970s and 1980s, narrative therapy believes that the person isn’t the problem; the problem is the problem. Clients are encouraged to analyze and find meaning in important life events. Through questioning and collaboration, the therapist acts as an “investigative reporter” who helps the client to examine and evaluate the problem. By separating the problem from the person, distance is created, which makes it easier to investigate and assess the impacts the problem has had on a client’s life. It’s particularly helpful in treating trauma, PTSD, depression, anxiety, eating disorders and self esteem issues. 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Retrieved 2013-09-21. 10. ^ "Domestic Violence Threatens Social, Family Stability" . Naija . Retrieved 2013-09-21. 11. ^ "No Safe Haven: An Annual Report of Attacks on Women in Nigeria". Project Alert on Violence Against Women. 12. ^ Project Alert, “Beyond Boundaries: Violence Against Women in Nigeria, Lagos, 2001. 13. ^ a b c Antai, Diddy. "Controlling behavior,power relations within intimate relationships and intimate partner physical and sexual violence against women in Nigeria". BMC Public Health. 2011. 14. ^ Kunnuji, Michael O. N. (2014). "Experience of domestic violence and acceptance of intimate partner violence among out- of-school adolescent girls in Iwaya community, Lagos state" . Journal of Interpersonal Violence. 30 (4): 543–564. doi: 10.1177/0886260514535261 . 15. ^ Bazza, H.I. Societies without Borders. 2009. 16. ^ Watts and Zimmerman. Violence against women: global scope and magnitude. 2002. 17. 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