I was Australia's first IVF surrogate

This article was commissioned by The Hoopla editor Wendy Harmer after I tweeted my feelings reading the way I was misrepresented. As The Hoopla is no longer current, and the link (http://thehoopla.com.au/australias-ivf-surrogate/) makes my browser freeze, I’ve copied and pasted the information here, including the comments. I’ve removed the reply and like buttons. The APA 6 reference for this article is: Kirkman, L. (2013). I was Australia's first IVF surrogate. The Hoopla. Retrieved from http://thehoopla.com.au/australias-ivf-surrogate/ I WAS AUSTRALIA’S FIRST IVF SURROGATE By Linda Kirkman September 15, 2013 In 1988 I had a baby for my sister Maggie, in what was Australia’s first IVF surrogacy, and, as far as we know, a world second. I was excited about making history, proud of Australia’s excellent, ground-breaking reproductive technology that enabled it to happen, and looking forward to seeing my niece Alice take her place in our family. I took advantage of modern technology to use my body for an altruistic purpose I had freely chosen, and the feminist in me liked that body autonomy. People who practised other forms of feminism, where science was seen as masculine, and reproductive technology thought of as patriarchy having its merry way with helpless women, saw it differently. (From right, Assoc. Prof. John Leeton, Dr. Alex Lopata and Professor Carl Wood.) To them, clearly I was a downtrodden, demure school teacher, a baby sister in the thrall of her powerful, articulate, academic older sibling who had manipulated me to achieve her selfish goal of a baby. Academic articles were published saying so. There was one that made me so mad by Dr.Renate Klein. “This was a two-sisters surrogacy – Linda and Maggie Kirkman and the resulting baby Alice – in which power differences between the two women were extraordinarily stark: Maggie was the glamorous and well spoken woman of the world; Linda who carried the baby, was the demure school teacher in child-like frocks and pig tails. Their IVF doctor applauded altruistic surrogacy. He called it ‘gestational surrogacy’ and proclaimed that if the so-called surrogate mother didn’t use her own eggs, thus wasn’t the baby’s ‘genetic’ mother, no attachment would ensue! This statement is haunting us to this day. It is patently absurd: as a baby grows in a woman’s body over the nine months of the pregnancy, it is hard to see why the 24/7 presence of the baby inside her body, its growth, its interaction with her (movements, the baby’s kicking) would be any different whether s/he has the mother’s genes!” - Klein, R. (2011). Surrogacy in Australia: New Legal Developments. Bioethics Research Notes, 23(2), 23-26. These ill-informed (in my opinion) academics had clearly not read my publications*, or bothered to speak to me. I suppose they did not want to let the facts get in the way of their opinion, or the anti-IVF bandwagon they wanted to push. Angry? When I read a recent publication describing me in those terms I gave off steam. I was ropeable. I may be generous and thoughtful, but demure and manipulated I am not. By assuming how someone feels, and not asking, or checking, you display arrogance while perpetuating an expectation that the assumed feeling is the right one to have. A common thing said to me after I gave birth was, “You must feel a special bond with Alice”. Actually, no I don’t. I forget I gave birth to her and value her equally with my other nieces and nephews. “It must have been hard to give her up”. Nope again. I was very happy to be no longer pregnant and able to resume regular home life with my two awesome children. Don’t assume, ask how people feel, and listen to the answer. That is much more respectful than imposing an assumption or a stereotype on them, and you might learn something important. IVF is no longer unusual, and this is where a (one of many) frustrations about inadequate sex education comes from. I support age-appropriate, lifelong sexuality education from an empowerment, sex-positive perspective. A bonus to my history-making first Australian surrogacy experience (aside from the baby and family togetherness) was media attention. OK, media megastardom. Do I still seem demure and oppressed to you? I loved giving interviews, travelling to Melbourne and Sydney to appear on TV, being invited to give a keynote speech at an international conference, and having my writing published. Once when we waited in a star’s dressing-room before an interview I used the facilities, and boasted for days about peeing in Jana Wendt’s toilet. (Sorry, Jana, and no, we haven’t met.) Today I look forward to attending the launch of Professor John Leeton’s book, Test Tube Revolution: The Early History of IVF at Monash University. My niece, sister and I are all invited. This event has prompted in me lots of feelings ranging from joy-at-being-a media-megastar, to angry-about-people-who-misrepresent-me, with some frustration-at-poor-sexualityeducation along the way. If I am asked questions, don’t be surprised if I give long and passionate answers. I have feelings and opinions and am keen to share them. MORE ARTICLES BY LINDA KIRKMAN Late bloomers in bed Is Polyamory the New Gay? Linda Kirkman was recently reminded that she was determined and opinionated, even as a kid. Funny, she replied, I remember being quiet and bookish; but there was that time I was expelled from kindergarten… She believes in the importance of respectful, harmonious human relationships, and that families can be constituted in many different ways. Linda added to her extended family by giving birth to her niece in 1988, because there was a need, and she could help out. She is currently a PhD student interested in rural baby boomers in friends-with-benefits relationships. You can follow Linda on Twitter @lindathestar. Or go here for more about Linda. *Kirkman, L. (2013, 7 April). Carrying for a sister. Paper presented at the Surrogacy Australia National Conference 2013, Melbourne. Kirkman, L. (2010, February). The Good Sense about Surrogacy. Viewpoint (2), 20-24. Kirkman, L. (1999). Still not maternal: Giving birth to my niece (10 years on). In R. Jansen & D. Mortimer (Eds.), Towards reproductive certainty: Fertility and genetics beyond 1999 (pp. 116-119). Lancashire: Parthenon. Kirkman, M., & Kirkman, L. (1988). My Sister’s Child. Ringwood: Penguin Books. 10 Comments  September 16, 2013 katie It is rude and arrogant of those academics to make such personal judgments about you – whether they had met you or not. It sounds as if you did a generous and loving thing for your sister. Some people apparently have no concept of altruism.  September 16, 2013 Rhoda Renate Klein is a feminist and to describe you in that way seems at odds with feminist theory – the right of women to be different. And you certainly were. Perhaps she thought the pigtails were all there was to you. A very Annie Oakley view of women. And patronizing. Glad it got your blood up and you didn’t retreat into the woodwork! I haven’t got round to reading your other articles and so just went back to read them. Enjoyed them all. Hope you will be back with more.  September 16, 2013 Susanna You have had my admiration since 1988.It was clearly evident then as it is now there was no power play in your relationship with your sister. You two just were. I am sure Alice has been a much loved daughter and niece. I think Aboriginal tribes and Polynesian and Melanesian have it right. The child is the responsibility of all of is. A child is not a possession. A child is here for all of us. (Mind you Alice would not be a child anymore?) Enjoy the launch and see if you can find someone else’s toilet to pee in. I want to know whose it is this time!  September 16, 2013 Jenny I remember clearly when this happened, and recall how impressed I was at your unselfish gesture to a sister you cared about. I hoped that given those circumstances and the opportunity I would have done the same. Hard to believe it was that long ago – 25 years!  September 16, 2013 Mrs P I can understand why people would think there might be the possibility of an imbalance of power, but without talking to you to clarify is irresponsible. Good on you and I hope you set some people straight. Your ability to clearly speak your mind and articulate your point makes it abundantly clear that you are no wallflower who was used and abused!  September 16, 2013 BK I remember reading those articles by Klein (she was my Women’s Studies lecturer at uni) long before I ever met you (which was only last year) and I remember thinking at the time (nearly 20 years ago!) that her description of you didn’t sit right with the articles I had read in the media where you spoke for yourself. After having read your own work and having had the pleasure of meeting you in person I have to say I find the idea of describing you as ‘demure and manipulated’ somewhat laughable. Very much laughable in fact. Strong and certain are much more apt.  September 17, 2013 Linda Kirkman Thank you to Wendy for encouraging me to write this, and to the wonderful comments. It has been helpful to express my frustration at the misrepresentation and set the record straight. A key point that I wanted to get across was just not about me, but about how we can be better human beings by taking the time to ask and learn about others, and not assume we know how someone feels or what they think.  September 25, 2013 Don’t assume how someone feels. If you care, ask them, observe and respect the answer. A saga about pregnancy, misrepresentation, books, and media, with pies. | Lindathestar