Calculator Fun

Remember when you learned this stuff in middle school? It was like the coolest thing to find out you could do this on a calculator. Now you may have learned it a different way but this is how I remember it....

There is one girl, she is sixteen and she sixty-nined a guy three times in a row. What is she?

x 3 =

She is LOOSE!!! (35007 upside down, 11669 times 3)

There is another one....

Try this on your calculator, not your cell phone calculator, you need a real calculator. Find the big ass one you used for school.

There are 29,004 women times 2 equals what?

(flip the calculator upside down)

The answer is 58,008 boobs!!

Stupid things people say....

Customer: YOU MADE MY BURGER WRONG! YOU PUT TOMATO ON IT!!! I AM VERY ALLERGIC TO TOMATO!

Wendy’s counter clerk: I am sorry, sir. I’ll make another burger for you and give you your money back. What would you like on your burger?

Customer: Just mustard and ketchup.

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George Bush: It was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship.

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Gwyneth Paltrow: I just think the more you can do to maximize your health while you’re alive the better.

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Classified Ad: BARGAIN: 4-inch-wide divan bed and mattress. Excellent condition.

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Alex Rodriguez: Therapy can be a good thing. It can be therapeutic.

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Game show host Bob Eubanks, questioning people on the street: What do you think about when you masticate?

Man: When I masticate—mostly girls.

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Reporter: Are we at war with Yugoslavia?

Secretary of Defense William Cohen: We’re certainly engaged in hostilities. We’re engaged in combat. Whether that measures up to, quote, a classic definition of war, I’m not qualified to say.

Are People This Dumb?

Yesterday's moron of the day.

Tech support: What is your problem?

Customer: I was going to send an e-mail to someone and wanted to know—will it get delivered today even though it's Presidents Day?

Joke TIme

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.
"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.
"I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.
"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"
So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a year later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than last time.
"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."
"And so?" asked the first flea.
"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"

Cookie Dabacle

So last night on my break at work I was enjoying some delicious vanilla alphabet cookies. They are basically animal crackers in letter form. I was trying to spell out something with the letters I had left: D-I-O-N-4. That's right there was the number four mixed in with the letters, I was puzzled. Someone at the cookie factory must have made a boo boo. I am outraged and planning on writing an angry letter to the cookie company. When I sit down to eat some alphabet cookies I expect to only find letters not numbers. What's next, finding a regular Oreo mixed in with the Double Stuf? Lays with my Doritos? I don't mind meat mixed with my mashed potatoes but this is too much.

I Want Some Blood

I was thinking about something after my 'Daybreakers' post. Isn't it kind of gay for a male vampire to suck on the neck of another male? If I was a vampire I would be targeting the ladies and would feel a little awkward sucking on the dudes. Even the end of that sentence seemed a little homosexual. By the way I am not homophobic in any way I just thought it would be interesting to bring up.

Someone should make a movie about gay vampires and make it into a comedy horror. That would be new and original. Can an animal be a vampire? Like a cat with bat wings and shit, or a penguin! Ok the penguin would probably have to be a comedy as well, who is scared of a penguin, they are so cute.

Daybreakers has opened up some new vampire ideas. Just wait a few years, somebody will make a gay vampire movie. Maybe there is already one floating out there.

Weird Laws

I downloaded this application on my Ipod called 'Weird Laws.' It is pretty amusing, there are some crazy laws out there in the states. There was one in Texas that struck me as the oddest one. Apparently a recently passed anticrime law in Texas requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.

What kind of dumb ass criminal is actually going to do this? First of all the reason why they are criminals is because they don't obey the law. "Hello is this Mr. Smith, I'm just calling you to tell you that I plan on breaking into your house tomorrow and stealing some things, ok? thanks, bye." Them Texan law makers are pretty bright..........not!

Another Dirty Joke

Question: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?

Answer: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, moaning lie to me!

Dirty joke of the week

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name. "Yeah teach?" he replies. "If there are 3 ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher. Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off." "No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you..... There are 3 women that come out of an ice cream parlor, one is biting here ice cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?" The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream." Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!!"

Urinal Etiquette

Do women know about urinal etiquette? Does every guy know all the rules? I have this game on my ipod touch called the urinal test. It is a pretty silly game but it's fun and gets lots of laughs. Basically there are 7 urinals and some of them are occupied, which one should you take? The basic idea is that the distance between users should be maximized, at the same time minimizing a newcomer's chance of getting too close.

Every guy has been faced with a predicament where he has to choose which urinal to do his business at. I hate it when the urinals don't have the dividers between them and you hope the guy next to you isn't staring at your junk. I also hate when the only urinal available is the low one made for little kids and hobbits. And what is with the ones that go all the way to the floor? I'm not a big fan of peeing on my shoes. You also have to watch out for the random splatter affect that boggles the minds of scientists. You will start peeing and all of a sudden it mysteriously shoots back at you.

The number one urinal rule is: if I'm holding my dick don't talk to me. That's a big no-no. For some reason some of you guys out there think it's okay to make idle chitchat at the urinal but you are incorrect. The only acceptable time is when you are both washing your hands and/or drying them. Please follow all rules of urinal etiquette. You will not be asked a second time.

Best X-mas decor

You have probably seen this floating around the internet. If you haven't, it's some guys Christmas decoration. He had to take it down after 2 days by order of the police. It was a big traffic distraction and some old lady tried to actually help the dummy by picking up the 75 lb. ladder and climbing it, she wasn't too happy when she found out it wasn't a real dude.

Bob Barker or Drew Carey?

According to the polls no one wants Bob Barker as their hero. He is my hero. I used to watch The Price is Right everyday before school back in the day. Ever since I was a little tike I've wanted to be on The Price is Right. I wanted tickets to the show for my 18th birthday but sadly my wish was not granted. Now I have missed the boat because Drew Carey is the host and Bob is somewhere getting a lap dance from a 19 year old girl "working her way through school."

I don't like Drew as the host, he tries to be funny where as Bob was classy and suave. Did you know that Bob had a few sexual harassment suits on the show? He was a little too touchy feely with the stage girls; very naughty. I still want to be on the show but it won't be the same without Bob. Anybody share my feelings?

I started this post to talk about my 2 polls not to talk about Mr. Barker. Somehow My little Pony is winning as people's favorite cartoon. Either there are more ladies visiting my blog or people are just trying to be funny. I thought TMNT would win out by a landslide, it's a closer race than I figured. I loved DuckTales, that show was awesome and so was the game for Nintendo. I can still recite the theme song to it; yup I'm a loser, but one with good cartoon taste.

If you haven't voted yet there are only 1-2 weeks left and we need a clear cut winner. I don't want My Little Pony to win and Bob needs some votes. Spongebob and Batman are tied, who will be victorious?

Joke with a twist

Joke: What do you put in a toaster?



Seems easy enough, right? You are probably thinking toast, well that is wrong. The answer is bread. Toast is what comes out of a toaster. It seemed so easy and then you blew it. Now you are probably going to use this joke on your significant other or little brother. Most people get it wrong unless they actually think for a second. Be sure to call someone a dumbass when they answer with toast. Have fun and don't forget where you got this lame joke.

Will the real Chuck Norris please stand up

For fun, type Find Chuck Norris into Google and click on "I'm feeling lucky."

And if for some reason you have been living in a cave for the past few years you should check out: ChuckNorrisFacts

Did Chuck Norris approve this stuff? If he did than he is more awesome than Walker Texas Ranger. Wait, Chuck didn't approve this post, will he find out about it? I'm kind of scared.............he's everywhere!!

NASCAR BEEF part deux

I decided to post my NASCAR beef post on this auto racing/nascar discussion site to see if I could ruffle a few feathers. And it worked, I got a few negative comments about my post from NASCAR fans and I am currently in a debate with this one dude. Here is the link: http://groups.google.com/group/rec.autos.sport.nascar/browse_thread/thread/3e36e00040acece7/c2fc632758bfed79?hl=en&lnk=raot#c2fc632758bfed79
I know, long name but amazing results. He has made a few good points but I think I one upped him on my last remark. I love messing with people, they get so emotional and into it like you are making fun of their child. I wonder how long I can keep fucking with this guy. I think I do make a good point with my NASCAR beef post. I'm not sure why I keep bothering to CAPS LOCK nascar, it's not that important.

What I don't get is that nascar is the most followed sport by a fan.....even bigger than football. People check on stats of the drivers and buy all the stupid nascar shit, what gives, what is wrong with this world? Am I offending anybody sporting a mullet yet? I hope Obama doesn't like nascar, my position on the subject would be futile. I guess I will wrap this up before it becomes a short story. Click on the link and read up if you haven't yet, it's good times.

Don't @%&$ with Veterans

Now normally I don't blog about current events unless I'm involved in them but I heard something on the radio and I thought it was amusing.

A 21 year old dude went down to his local bar for a drink where a lot of the war veterans hang but forgot his ID. The bartender refused to serve him without identification which really pissed off this guy. As some sort of moronic revenge the man cut down the American flag from the VFW flagpole and set it ablaze.
The veterans in the bar at the time were not pleased at all. The veterans tracked this man down a few days later at a soccer game, confronted him and gave him three options: 1) They could turn him into the proper authorities, 2) Kick the crap out of him or 3) Duct tape him to a flagpole for 6 hours and hang a sign from his neck stating his crime. He decided on option number 3. After he served his punishment, the local VFW post commander said that he would never disrespect the flag again.

What a jackass!! I'm not really that patriotic and I would run off to Canada if there was a draft but I would never disgrace the American flag especially near the VFW hall. It would of been more embarrassing if he was taped tot he pole naked or in his briefs. It goes to show you how dumb the average person actually is.

When you're bored...

I was just flipping through my phone and came across these pics.

The Internet is Awesome

"Have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion."

I found this on texts from last night and thought I would share it. If you have never been to the site you should definitely check it out. It has some pretty funny and fucked up shit on it

The Truth Hurts

I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this but your Mom and Dad lied to you....

(I bet you were an ugly baby)

It might look a little dirty because I wore it to work...haha

Mad Libs Email

This is the first finished Mad Libs story by a reader sent by email.

Ashley unbuttoned her socks a little to show off her earlobes. Mark was jumping on the beer bong when he noticed Ashley's ample geese. Ashley has a crush on Mark and is always trying to get his attention. The marble on Mark's finger reminds him to stop staring at grandma and get back to work. Ashley knows Mark is Jewish but she doesn't care, she wants his bouncy totem pole inside her anyway. Mark loves spanking at work because he gets to see what Ashley is wearing everyday which is usually something smelly.

Mark has had many sexual dreams about Ashley but would never tell his stripper that. The last dream he had they were making love on a quad with everybody watching them. Ashley could have any man she wants but for some reason she wants to have sex with Mark. Ashley drops her stapler on purpose in front of Mark and he gets a good look down her pantyhose. Mark can't take this teasing anymore. He grabs her left butt cheek and takes her into the bedroom where he fucks her against the dishwasher. Mark's wife finds out and eats his balls. The End.