Mapping it Out

My life has taken some turns but God has it all mapped out.

Lately, I have felt like a ping pong ball being blown about out at sea.  One minute I'm happy with my renewed love of running and the sense of freedom it brings.  The next I'm saddened by the loss of dreams and the reality of separation.  These feelings stir an uneasiness in me because the one thing I crave is stability.

Going through a separation I experienced a myriad of emotions.  At first I felt this incredible weight lifted from my shoulders.  I felt renewed strength.  I breathed in air that was filled with hope for a better future for my children and myself.  People are always surprised when I say this because it seems like I didn't really care about my marriage.  The reality is the farthest thing from that statement.  What most people don't realize is that I grieved the loss of my marriage as I watched my husband slowly turn into a stranger over the past 4 years.  I grieved the loss of my marriage when I realized that improperly treated mental illness robs not only the sufferer but the rest of their family of any sense of security or peace.  I grieved the loss of my marriage when I realized that I had to make a choice that put safety and security on one end and marriage on the other.


Though I don't regret the decision to separate I am disturbed by the havoc it can spur in my life.  Dealing with custody and access issues are complicated especially when mental health issues are involved.  I find that I constantly have to find the balance between the health and safety of my children and consistent involvement with their father.  There is so much uncertainty in what you can expect from a situation that your mind is tempted to always to go beyond where you are comfortable.

Through this process I am hoping that God will show me which turns to take and which ones to avoid.  Right now that is all I can hope for.

Showing Marriage Some Love

The women's and men's group at our church are getting together to plan a Valentine's Dinner.  We have sorted out a lot of details and are really excited about this event.  Along the way some have shared concerns about excluding single/divorced people.  Although it is important to be inclusive I felt it equally important to support marriages.

In the first five years of our marriage my husband and I were part of a group of three couples who met every Sunday night.  We prayed, had communion together, ate, and spent time together.  The other two couples had children.  We did not.  This did not matter to my husband and I.  We always commented on how much closer we felt after those evenings.  Although the purpose was to grow in our faith we ended up growing in our marriage.  I look back on those nights and they still fill me with some encouragement for the future.

The church we got married in was 100 years old.  I was hoping that would inspire a long marriage.

Those evenings are long gone and we are all spread apart.  I can tell you that one of the couples are on the way to divorce and my husband and I have been struggling for the past three and a half years.  I often wonder if things would have been different if we had stayed in this group?

You can't see the depth of joy and determination I felt on that day. 

I have also been thinking a lot lately about the programs/services etc... for married couples in churches.  It occurred to me that I have heard of almost every program under the sun i.e. MOPS, AWANA, Men's Small group, Family Small Group, Ladies Bible Study, mentorship programs, children's Sunday programs, Sports, I can go on and on.  I have never been to a church or heard of any churches that offer a couples/married group.  I am not sure why this is such an unpopular group.  The church is in the marriage business after all and nobody can ignore the blaring statistics on divorce.  So why is there so little in the way of creating opportunities for couples to get together and support each other on this journey?  

How does your church show marriage some love?

Let The Words Fall

I dragged my heart here.  Earlier this month I told my friend that I had committed to praying for her marriage, our mutual friend's marriage and my marriage every Monday.  Today I came like a toddler with my feet dragging and my heart hidden.  I didn't want to pray for marriages on a day when all I did was feel faint with the disappointment of my own marriage.  But I hated to break a promise.


Echoes of arguments and images of angry hurt faces reeled through my mind.  I just wanted to be alone with my disappointment and anger. The day was about to shut when my eyes searched the blank screen of my computer.  This is where I let words fall for God to pick up.  I thought of googling some important question I had about my new business venture and then my eyes fell once again on the blank screen.  The words fell.   With each word my heart lightened.  The hope that I couldn't see earlier was making a quiet appearance.  In holding up my friends in prayer God picked me up.


I thank you Lord for:
-seeing the worth in me even when I can't bear to look at myself
-Cohen's intelligent questions
-picking up my brokenness and disappointment
-the mystery of praying for others
-the peace that prayer brings to my heart
-Kiran's clear lungs
-reminding me to listen to you when the words fall
-my circle
-Hannah's bright eyes
-dinner with my mom and the fab four
-Ella-Shilloh's chuckle
-brave friends

Matrimonial Seasons

I join Ann Voskamp on this difficult journey to "consider the spiritual practice of holy matrimony."  When you are in the winter season of your marriage you want to shy away from it and look in another direction.  When you see husbands gently pulling their wives under their embrace your heart longs.  There is a longing to join the "happily married" couples in their celebration and reminiscing.  You recall days when intimate conversations and trusting eyes were met with an open heart. The fear of never having those moments again grips and you let the moments move by. 

Sometimes I wonder why I am even participating in this "experience".  There is some shame that comes with being a Christian and experiencing difficulty in your marriage.  Some people shift and show other signs of discomfort when you share the place you are in.  You get the feeling you can't talk about the rough times while you are going through it. Yet through the shame and discouragement I hold on.  I hold on to God and his promises.  There is even a small part of me that holds on to the other promises that were made on that bright snowy morning 9.5 years ago.

Even though we are in the winter, I still look to the spring.  I look forward to the signs of new beginnings, rebirth and down pours of nourishment.  Just as the spring knows when to arrive, I know the next season will arrive just in time.

Join Ann Voskamp as she explores the spiritual practice of holy matrimony.