Mapping it Out

My life has taken some turns but God has it all mapped out.

Lately, I have felt like a ping pong ball being blown about out at sea.  One minute I'm happy with my renewed love of running and the sense of freedom it brings.  The next I'm saddened by the loss of dreams and the reality of separation.  These feelings stir an uneasiness in me because the one thing I crave is stability.

Going through a separation I experienced a myriad of emotions.  At first I felt this incredible weight lifted from my shoulders.  I felt renewed strength.  I breathed in air that was filled with hope for a better future for my children and myself.  People are always surprised when I say this because it seems like I didn't really care about my marriage.  The reality is the farthest thing from that statement.  What most people don't realize is that I grieved the loss of my marriage as I watched my husband slowly turn into a stranger over the past 4 years.  I grieved the loss of my marriage when I realized that improperly treated mental illness robs not only the sufferer but the rest of their family of any sense of security or peace.  I grieved the loss of my marriage when I realized that I had to make a choice that put safety and security on one end and marriage on the other.


Though I don't regret the decision to separate I am disturbed by the havoc it can spur in my life.  Dealing with custody and access issues are complicated especially when mental health issues are involved.  I find that I constantly have to find the balance between the health and safety of my children and consistent involvement with their father.  There is so much uncertainty in what you can expect from a situation that your mind is tempted to always to go beyond where you are comfortable.

Through this process I am hoping that God will show me which turns to take and which ones to avoid.  Right now that is all I can hope for.

Planned to the Plate

I posted pictures of my old kitchen a few days ago.  It was so easy to be presentable with those perfectly white planned to the plate cabinets.  When I designed it I made sure everything had a place and there was not much to distract anyone from it's beauty.  I remember when we first completed the kitchen I would come down the stairs just to stare at it.  The white cabinets and nearly naked counter tops gave me such peace.  They were little pats on the back that I was doing something right!

Now I find reminders of my inability to find a place for everything- even egg carton creatures!

 We had another home school family over for the day.  It's great when you meet people who you can just hang out with.  While the kids (all 7 of them) played (very well) the moms chit chatted about home school, church, cooking, home decor... I apologized continually for my lack of "perfect nestiness" and my getting sorted while she was over.  I was a little distracted because I felt that I should have had the chocolate-banana-coconut-walnut (exhale) bread baked before they arrived.  I was initially thrown because I wanted to have the fruit washed and set out in my white matching trays.  I was a bit off put because I wanted the croissant sandwich station to be sorted and plated before the kidlets were hungry.  So I apologized, heart sinking and disappointments lingering.

I asked my friend why I couldn't be like The Nester or the Pioneer Woman or  any other perfectly held together bloggy mom on the planet.  Why do I have stacks of stuff, piles of papers, and baskets of crafts laying about.  Why can't things find a home in my home.  I felt like a two year old throwing a tantrum...Why? NO FAIR! HMMM!

So the grace fell out of her mouth and drifted on to my heart.  She reminded me of the baby that still cried for me, the other 3 that can't be left out of sight and the banana bread that shared a little of itself through my oven vent.  She gave me permission to live in a little chaos- for now.  I needed that. Thank you Ms. S!