My super cape runeth over and trips me.

As some of you may know, I don't have children... I should clarify and say I don't have children of my own but I am familiar with the species because I see them bouncing off of walls in my house.

Anyway, because I don't have little creatures, of the human variety, I never thought I would have to do things like change diapers (I was wrong!), rush out to the pharmacy to get emergency infants Tylenol (did that last night) and help little ones with homework...

There I was, sittin' on the couch, I had just organized all necessary items in front and beside me to start my post for the evening. Water? Check! Kleenex? Check! TV remote? Check! Laptop on lap? Check and check!! When all of a sudden, my phone rings. My phone that is approximately 100 feet away from where my butt is sitting "curses!" I exclaim but then I shrugged and figured that if it was urgent, they'd call me back. As soon as my phone stops ringing, it starts ringing again. Dang flabbit! Now I have to dig myself out of my little cocoon!

I pick it up and it's my niece Natalia asking for help with her homework. I didn't even hesitate! I picked up my calculator (in case it was math related)(yes she's 6) and ran downstairs to my mom's where she was staying the night.

To my pleasant surprise, she needed help with coming up with sentences for her spelling homework and not the dreaded numbers. Hmmm I hadn't even thought about needing my laptop for spell check purposes.

So I sat down and "helped" this little braniac and didn't even get irritated when she corrected my punctuation (don't forget the period! & Tia Bee, the sentence "I ate too much" needs an exclamation because I want it to say "UGH I ATE TOO MUCH!") and so we finished the third section and then I was informed by little miss sunshine that my services were no longer needed but she would call me when she needed to take her practice test.

I came back upstairs, set my phone next to me and waited patiently.

Half an hour later, I'd paced all over my house and was fighting the urge to call her and see if she still needed me. Would I be rushing her? I finally couldn't stand it any longer so I called my mom. Turns out that, while I was brushing up on my spelling of all words, her daddy had come over to help her. Her daddy who had to get in his car, drive 15 minutes or so in the cold and sleet to come help his little girl do her homework.

Did I hear you guys say "Awwwww!"?? Because seriously that is just Boo! Boo I say!

What am I gonna do with all this extra knowledge??

I went downstairs after I heard Big Tex leave and I confronted her:

Me: Um yeah, I thought you were supposed to call me?

Natalia [trying to look all innocent]: Well, daddy came and he helped me finish and gave me my practice test and everything!

Me: I waited and waited...

Natalia [covering her mouth, probably laughing at me!]: Sorry, Tia Bee. But look! I'm eating the cake you made last night! It's really good!

Me: Don't patronize me!

Natalia [looking at me strangely]: Okaay. I have to go to bed now. Have a good day at work tomorrow.

And then she came and gave me a hug but I know it was just out of pity.

Not cool, people! Not cool at all. 

Holy crap! Who knew being ill would not stop me from rambling on and on and on and on? ♫♪Hey Mr. Dj—♫♪

Okay my brain still has the acumen of applesauce (and the same consistency) in that neither could form a thought to save itself from being eaten by toddlers... I really don’t know what that means.

I want to thank you guys for being so nice to me and wishing me health. If I sound shocked it’s because I am. In fact, I was so shocked I was thinking about you while I was in the bathroom debating whether I should leave the door unlocked in case I keeled over so that Andy wouldn’t have to break the door down. Don’t ask me why that thought popped into my head but it did and I’m all about sharing.

Anyway, on Friday OZ let us leave at 1pm. That was awesome for many reasons but the main one was that I would be able to take niece Natalia to the movies to see Hannah Montana (totally against my will, you understand) earlier than planned. I had called my mom and told her of the possibility of me getting home early so I asked her to make sure Natalia was ready to leave. When I got home she was still in her froggy pajamas (my niece, not my mom)! So I had to wait and wait while she diva’d herself up.

I’m sure all of you have intelligent children and/or nieces/nephews etc but I have to say that my niece is way smarter than all those kids you know. Sorry but it’s true. As she was strapping herself into her booster seat, she was questioning my logic in getting to the movies so early because hello? we would have to wait longer and then she might have to go to the potty and “you hate public restrooms, Tia Bee”. I told her there would probably be a long line of teeny little girls just like her waiting to see the movie and we must MUST get a good a seat! Then she distracted me by asking “I don’t suppose you’d want to buy me a blue icee, right?” Her wish is my command.

Now, call me naïve if you want but I thought since it was early in the day, the throng of obsessed little girls would wait until the later shows… DEHN! I was so wrong. I did get approval from my 6 year old niece though when she said “hmmm you were right in us getting here early. Look at all these little girls!” I bought our tickets and then felt a little jealous when they gave her some Hannah Montana cards but I got nuthin’! How about something for the adults, Disney? Maybe a Shirtless Stud cards? I'm just sayin'.

While we were waiting in the roped out area (and she was slurping away on her blue icee, sticking her tongue out at me and being all wiggly), there were moms leaving their daughters standing in line while they went to get snacks. All the little girls had a friend with them and I felt bad because my niece was just stuck with me. I guess I could have asked her to bring a friend but I’m not very good with other people’s children. I’d probably forget about them and they’d be sitting in my car while I was enjoying my nachos.

One little girl cracked me up. Her mom and some other lady were making stupid jokes. Saying stuff like “I hope I don’t lose control and start singing!” and “Ooh! We should have brought our Hannah scarves!” when they went to go get snacks the little girls says to her friend “my mom is such a dork! I don’t know why she thinks she’s being cool since Hannah is for young people and she’s so old!” friend asks “How old is she?” daughter answers “I don’t know like 50 or 30? She has a blog though so she thinks she’s cool”

The hell you say little girl!

INTERMISSION!

If you’re bored, go on down to the Announcement portion of this post. I won’t get mad.

And we're back!

Once we settled into our seats (let me remind you of my perfectly thought out seating plan of being directly in the middle of the row in case people have to use the bathroom or need another soda, they either go to the left of me or to the right but never have to walk in front of me because that wouldn’t make any sense) I found out my niece has no nacho-eating-etiquette for you see, little miss thing does not like cheese on her nachos.

While I argued that nachos were all about THE CHEESE she diplomatically said “I’m not telling you HOW to eat your nachos. I’m just asking you to keep the cheese in the cup and not spread it all over the chips. How do you know you don’t like dipping the chips in the cheese unless you try it first?” ahhh sooooo, the student becomes a big pain in the butt.

I refuse to admit to liking this way better!

After waiting half an hour for the show to start and the theater slowly getting to a deafening pitch, I looked around and then I broke out in a cold sweat. The amount of kids in there were enough to make me have a panic attack but wors was suddenly realizing that if Natalia had to go to the bathroom, there would be no one to save our seats and then we would be the ones stepping on people as we walked along our row. I almost asked her if she needed to make a quick pit stop before the movie started but then I was afraid that power of suggestion would be my worst enemy so I kept my mouth shut.

The movie was good but the best part was watching her sit at the edge of her seat and then take control of the arm rest while a chick in her 20s lost. THAT is my little girl! I didn’t get to see the last little blurb of the movie while the credits were rolling because she had to go to the potty. While we fought our way out of the theater and made our way to the bathrooms, where I beat an older lady to a stall so Natalia could go in, I was glad it was just she and I for I proved I could survive preteen Hannahmania and not have a mental breakdown in the middle of it.

Natalia survived too, even though she didn’t want to share her Hannah Montana cards.

Announcements!

There will be no "Brian reviews…" on Thursday because it is Andy’s anniversary of the day he got lucky enough to make me his wife so I will post his interview then.

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Apparently BlogHer is meeting in Chicago in July and I must have been living under a rock because I didn’t know. I am now getting bombarded (not really) with people wanting to meet me in THE FACE TO FACE which I am still debating because I’m all about mystery. I might be persuaded to make an appearance if say, they buy me some Mojitos, Piña Coladas and a maid. My brother Rick just said he'd go and pretend to be me. I told him it would kind of work only people might notice because he has a penis. Besides, I have way more facial hair.

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Also, Easter was postponed due to my illness so I will be having it on Sunday but nobody is invited. Jesus would want it that way.

HELP ME!! I CAN'T GET MY PANTS* UP!!

When I showed my 5 year old niece I had posted this picture her response:
"Tia Bee! She's showing her piece!"

I love that kid! ;op

I never really played with dolls as a kid. I was a tomboy to the bone (well, not THAT bone) but now my niece is making me play dress up Barbie and I gotta say that I find having to struggle with the clothes and shimmy the pants up ample hips, a slap in the face! I get enough of the tight fitting clothes in my real life!

Stupid Barbie clothes makers making me feel fat in my safe zone known as pretend land!

*PANTS, IN AMERICA, DOES NOT MEAN UNDERWEAR.

Humor-Blogs

What came first? The chicken or the chick who likes to eat them?

I was gardening this weekend and niece Natalia was helping me (according to her, my old bones are decaying).

I love hanging out with her but I never know when a dangerous subject will arise because it always starts so innocent.

Example:

Natalia:
Tia Bee, you're 35 right?

Bee:
Uh-huh. Thirty years older than you.

Natalia:
How old will you be when I'm 35? 65?

Bee:
Yup!

Natalia:
Grandma is 20 years older than you so she'll be 85?

Bee: [beaming with pride cuz I still need to use a calculator]
Great math skillz honey.

Natalia:
But then when I'm 65 you'll be 95?

BAM! Because let's face it, even if I start treating my body like a golden Buddha temple -RIGHT NOW- my chances of hitting 95 are slim to watcha been smokin'!

Bee:
Uh... if somebody finds the cure for bacon, sure!

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So there we were, digging holes and replanting flowers.

Natalia:
Where did you get these flowers?

Bee:
Home Depot.

Natalia:
Where did HD get them?

Bee:
A nursery I assume. [I explained what a nursery was.]

Natalia:
Where does the nursery get the seeds to plant the flowers?

Bee:
From other flowers or a seed supplier.

She gives me a look I know very well. this looks says "I am going to keep asking where the original flowers that produced the seeds came from until you can tell me the origin of all plant life, sea life, THE UNIVERSE"

For ages people have wondered what came first, the chicken or the egg. I personally believe the chicken because I believe in God therefore in my mind he made the chicken then the chicken produced eggs. Now, I am not going to get into a theological discussion with a 5 year old so....

Bee:
::sigh::
Once upon a time there was this evil witch who liked to turn children into stones. This made a beautiful fairy very sad but she was unable to return the children to their human form. Instead, she would turn the stones into these beautifully scented plants with petals, later to be known as flowers. The evil witch then started pulling all the flowers from the earth but little did she know they were dropping little seeds everywhere. The sad towns people decided to pick them up and bury them by their homes. To their surprise, flowers started to bloom...

Natalia:
[serious face] I like your story but next time you can just say "I don't know".
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What? I say the earlier she becomes accustomed to this nutty head of mine, the sooner she can start looking after me when I start believing my lies.

Now, aren't you glad I don't have any of my own??


P.S.
Update on Assistantgate. She called in sick today. That's 3 times in 3 weeks but the powers that be want her to finish the month of August. Can somebody press the fast forward button??
Humor-Blogs

Don't give ME your garbage!

Last Sunday, I took my niece Natalia to see Wall-E.
She's an incredibly intelligent little 5 year old and GOT THE MESSAGE (while I napped and made fun of the boneless fatties).


Take care of Earth, be responsible, recycle blah blah blah...
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She knew all these things already because of her cool Tia Bee (me) but seeing Wall-E really drove the point home.
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Today, I called my sister and told her to come over for some yummy grillin' by Chef Bee and her sidekick Andy (I do the cooking, he is my sous chef)(well, kind of since I have to give him detailed instructions on how to cut, dice and slice)(and what knife to use)(and to stop waving the knife around like a light-saber).



When my sister and her two little girls arrived, Natalia said she had something for me. I jumped around like a drunken boxer wondering what surprise this little angel could have brought me.

She gave me a plastic bag that felt a little light but that's okay, I'm sure it was something from the heart. It didn't have to be big or expensive.

I opened the bag.

Looked inside.

And saw.

Garbage.

You heard me right. I said GARBAGE!



You see, my sister's complex doesn't have a recycling area so she brought it to me, as a favor, because she knows how much I LOVE TO RECYCLE!

I looked at my sister, she was laughing her ass off!
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I'm putting both of them up for adoption!

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And now, views of my purrty garden.

Isabella Sofia 5/29/08

I gave the evil gargoyle in me a sedative so that I may announce the birth of Isabella Sofia. I am truly lucky to be sharing the world with 2 special little girls. (Oh, and my sister's not so bad either!)

I was also informed that Natalia's (the older half of the angel nieces) middle name is now BIANCA*!! Yessss! My arduous harassment campaigning was rewarded!!

... Maybe I should run for president?

You may congratulate me now.

*If you're new to these here parts, that is my REAL LIFE name. The one I use at bars. And at the race track. Oh, and with my drug dealer.

It'd be my pleasure to make your nose bleed. Just try not to get it on my shoes.

Alright already! I'm back! Stop with the abusive/threatening e-mails! ;op

I had a nice long weekend and I'm feeling a little bitter about going back to work.
I was this close [picture my index finger and thumb almost touching] to walking out of the Asylum on Friday. But, whatever. Let us not dwell on the assholeyness of all the people who inhabit my work world.

Let's see... what happened this weekend?
Oh yeah! I had a volley game with a moth. I got out of the shower and reached for my towel only to have a moth fly at me! I swatted it but it ricocheted off the door and came back at me. I spiked it but after its dive, it spun and then headed for me again! Was this moth on a suicidal mission? I think so! Hey! I would have left it alone if it would have flown in an opposite direction but it started it! What's up with bugs trying to show me who's boss?? I felt ridiculous so I thought I'd share.
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Anyway, we went to the Chicago Botanic Gardens on Saturday and the day couldn't have been better! I could show you picture after picture of the beautiful views but I'll just show you a few and let you imagine what my paradise looks like. I can't explain the sense of peace that engulfs me as soon as we near the outskirts of The Gardens.

Andy and Natalia at the bottom of the waterfalls. This picture cracks me up because you can't tell where I'm standing when I took the picture. Is he looking at me or is she???
Do you remember this picture from last year? No? Probably only Brian will remember. Here is Natalia using her lungs just like Tio Andy.

Don't they look cute? Even if one of them acts like a 5 year old and is a pain in the ass, I think I'll still keep him. ;o)

As always, after hours of walking amongst beautiful flowers and plants I'd like to smuggle in Andy's pockets, my scalp and nose? Sunburned!
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On a marital note:

We were supposed to see the new Indie film this weekend but Andy decided to throw a Cheetos-like tantrum so we didn't go. I guess that punished us both.

On a books I've read in one day note:

Speaking of Cheetos, I finished reading a book this weekend were they were featured prominently. It's called The Host by Stephanie Meyer of Twilight Series fame. I loved the story but the writing still seems like it's aimed at prepubescent teens. I'm not saying it's a bad thing so don't get all huffy with me, m'kay?
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On a weather note:

I think mother nature has finally decided to make it spring and stopped playing the "ha! I was just kidding here's winter again!" game.

AND LASTLY!!

On a movie you cannot miss note:

We watched Across the Universe recommended by my hippie brother Rick and you know what? It was awesome!! I'm going to buy the soundtrack after work tomorrow (if my shoes aren't too bloody) because the the actors' (and some surprise cameos) interpretations of songs I've listened to since I was able to understand what music was, were so unbelievably radicus that it's going into my iPod labeled as 'Crappy Mood Slayer'. Bono sang my coo coo ka choo song. If you see that movie, you'll not what that means.

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You can slay your crappy mood by clicking on Humor-Blogs and checking out the talent.

So... as Scarlett said "Tomorrow is another day and I'm wearing my new fuckin shoes so it better be a good day or I'll have to wash the blood out of them once I kick somebody in the face!"* Peace be with you.

*she didn't really say all that but I'm thinking she would have if the censor people didn't have sticks up their asses.

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P.S.

I just saved Andy from a vicious June Bug! His words to me, "My Hero!"

Sugar n' spice and everything nice...

-Day 9. My brain is too tired to have any delusions. Nope! Nothing but sane thoughts. I think I'll pay the bills while I'm still able to add and subtract.-

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Well, I watched niece Natalia again.

I'm exhausted.

I made waffles, drove her to school, ran errands, cleaned the house, picked her up, fed her again, cooked dinner, made a fool out of myself trying to play Guitar Hero III. They kept booing me off the stage! Bastards.

.

Anyway, the question of the day, from the 4 AND A HALF year old, was "what did people do before bathrooms were invented?"
I went on to explain about outhouses and holes in the ground and all that crappola. My fear was she was going to ask me what people did before toilet paper, luckily, she just nodded as if everything made total sense.

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I wanted to cover my butt in case she asked another bathroom related question like "who invented it" or "who had the first one" and came upon these pictures doing my research.

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This one would scare the... well, you know.

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I don't think I could over go in this one. EVER!

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Hmmmmm... I keep picturing this one in a brothel for some reason. Not that I've ever been to one.

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What would we do without the Internet? Our life would be lacking in weirdness.

Carry on.

Kids these days.

-Day 8. Today is a sane day.
I ate a mango and watched the lightening illuminate my dead garden. I saw the fairies taunting me while they danced in the rain. The tall one seems to be their leader. Did I say it was a sane day?-

So... I have the honor of watching Natalia this week, she came with me for a half day of work on Monday (insisted on a paycheck) and I've realized I'm no match for a 4 year old, excuse me- 4 AND A HALF year old.
We came home, did the usual lunch thing of chicken nuggets and apple juice but she wanted to watch Shrek 3 (the things I do for that child) while she ate. She kept singing something I thought was "Barracuda" but... Nah! It couldn't be! Low and behold... what is the song the princesses are singing when they help free the kingdom?

.

If you guessed "Barracuda" by Heart, you win the Dust Bunny prize. To say I was surprised this song was a part of a child's movie is putting it mildly. Picture me sitting on a high stool (looking beautiful of course) (in my bleached out AC/DC T-shirt and tattered sweatpants) (blue not purple) trying to keep my balance as Snow White started screeching AAH-AAAh AAAAAAA-AH!! Barracuda???Seriously????

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She took a nap and when she got up wanted to watch Noggin.
They sang a song that went like this: "Winter wonderland blah blah blah if your friends throw you a snowball respond Quid Pro Quo".
They said "Quid Pro Quo"! On a channel for small children!!
Why am I upset? Because if the little one would have heard this (luckily she was playing her piano) she would have asked me what that meant.

It's not that I don't know what that means, it's just that I don't know when to stop on definitions/explanations. They can go an on, which can lead to more questions which may end up in me calling my sister to say "Sorry Nancy, Natalia now thinks we never actually landed on the moon. I don't know where she gets these conspiracy theories..."

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Child interaction is hard.
.

I was talking to my SIL Esmeralda, who is a 5th grade public school teacher (IN THE SOUTH SIDE OF CHICAGO), and she told me something disturbing.

She asked her class to write down some New Year resolutions and two little girls wrote down "to lose weight"... WTF!!

These little girls are 10. TEN!

At 10 I was... uh... I don't remember but I'm damn sure I wasn't thinking about my weight! Why are kids growing up so quickly? It's scary what insecurities they're having before they've even hit puberty! ::sad sigh::
People that deal with kids (parents, teachers) have my respect, I have no idea how I would handle a situation like that.

No. Idea.

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Anyway, here is Natalia as Andy's biggest fan. I gave him Guitar Hero III for Christmas.

She currently likes country music cuz her daddy's from Texas but we'll get her to rock out to Metallica, Nirvana and Guns and Roses! BWAHAHAHA!!

If you're thinking you should keep your kids away from my psycho-ness, I say good idea.
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Quick shout out to mother-freakin'-nature! Thanks for giving us the double flip off by having us on flood watch! No rain please, send us snow!! (bitch)

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Don't know the Barracuda song I'm referring to? Click below.

Meet Archibald The Ugly + Naughty List.

To all the tree huggers:

This post is gonna bad mouth my tree and is not meant to bad mouth all the other trees out there, okay?

So...

We bought a tree on Saturday. We decided to cheap-it-out this year cuz we weren't hosting Christmas. Instead of buying our usual 7 footer from Bob Evans from Wisconsin, who sets up his trees and lives in a trailer on the Roadhouse Bar and Grill parking lot and paying $65, we went to Menard's where you can't actually see what the tree looks like cuz it's wrapped up in a net.

We thought "so what, we're paying $20 so who cares!" Well, you get what you pay for and we wound up with a 5.5 foot baldy. Which is why I named him Archibald the Ugly. No matter what I did, this thing was just plain BUGLY! (butt ugly)

To make matters worse I made a huge mistake when putting the lights on,(normally my sister does this for me but since she's pregos I thought I wouldn't bother her this year) I ended up plugging all the prongs to each other, so when it came time to plug them into the outlet I didn't have the right end at the bottom... DOH!! I patiently redid them. (and by patiently I mean I didn't rip the lights off the branches like I wanted)

Before I put on the lights (the first time) I checked them to make sure they all worked and they did. Once I put them on the second time and plugged them in half the flippin lights weren't working! My self confidence has gone from 100 to 15! Obviously the complexity of tree lighting is far beyond my grasp... I'm sure I'm good at something... right?

::SIGH!::

I removed the 6 series of lights AGAIN and can you guess what happens when you've been moving the tree, putting lights on, taking lights off, then putting them on again???

It loses tons of needles. So Archibald became even bald-er.

This message is to the Light Making Industry, why is it that we can send robots to Mars but we can't invent a string of lights that work even if one little freakin' bulb is out???

Please... I'd really like to know!

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Anyway, the branches were weak and weird so I had to make the decision to not use my best ornaments for fear they would wind up in little pieces on the floor.

This is were I gave up! It was like trying to put lipstick on a pig! I couldn't do it anymore so Andy came home and did the rest. First time for him since I'm always the one decorating the tree.

Little Shoogie Boogie came to help too and they both did a great job. This is the finished product.

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Naughty List:

Natalia is only 4 but her vocabulary skills are excellent! Not to mention her ability to explain the logic she sees in situations.

She asked me if I had made my list for Santa yet since Christmas was so close and she wanted to know what I'd asked for.

I, in my infinite ignorance(!), told her I never bothered with a list because I'm always on the Naughty list... little did I know about the lectures I would receive from someone who can't look over any counters!

First she asked me why I thought I was on the naughty list. Thinking I'd give her a short answer and she'd move on, I told her it was because I was mean to everybody.

Natalia:

I don't believe you're mean. You tell me stories and sing me songs and give me hugs and kisses. You're nice to me.

Tia Bee:

Well, yeah but just to you. Because I love you.

Natalia:

Well that's going to make my mommy really sad.

Tia Bee:

Why???

Natalia:

Because mommy loves you. You should be nice to her too.

Tia Bee:

Okay, I'll be nice to you and your mommy.

Natalia:

You know, maybe you should be nice to grandma too, and Tio Andy...

Tia Bee:

That's too many people! How am I going to stay on the naughty list if I start being nice to everybody.

Natalia:

Don't you want to get presents?? I think it's too late for this year but you should start being nice for next year.

Tia Bee:

I'll try but I'm not making any promises!

Natalia: [she was in the middle of eating an ice cream bar, she set it down on it's wrapper and grabbed my face]
I believe you can do it Tia Bee! [little earnest face]

::sigh::

Now I'm going to have to behave myself!!

I hope she uses her persuasive tactics for good when she grows up. If not we're all doomed! ;o)

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P.S.

Andy bought me tweezers so that lip hair is now GONE! And please click on Humor-Blogs so that my rating can go from bad to not so bad.

Pretty pleeease!

First Cute and Cuddly then TORTURE!

First Cute and Cuddly.

Above is a picture of Shoogie Boogie and her Boogie mom (AKA my little sis) on Natalia's first day back at Pre-K. Aren't they both cuties? :o)
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She was dropped off at school the same as last year. Her mommy, daddy and grandmother all watched as she ran into her new classroom with a quick goodbye but without a backwards glance!
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Then her daddy picked her up and drove her to mommy's work where they went to lunch and the plan was for daddy to take her miniature golfing.
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However...
-The little princess had had a long day! :o) Her daddy had to park under the shade and wait for her to wake up from her nap.

AWWW!


Now Torture!
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Anyway, in my quest to be the most evil worker ever to grace this office... I did the following to the poor unsuspecting souls that have the misfortune to be my co-workers.
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My friend Thunderbird, Lord of The Spiders sent me the following tongue twister:
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I'm not the Pheasant Plucker,
I'm the Pheasant Plucker's son,
And I'm only plucking pheasants
Till the Pheasant Plucker comes.
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My plan: To recite it over and over at odd moments and at different volumes.

-

The following were the reactions after they "heard" me say the tongue twister.

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Victim #1- Purple Dino-SOUR
PD: [walking toward her desk]
Is that a song? It sounds like you’re saying “flucker”…?
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Cool Shoes Bee:
What? Oh I’m sorry, was I talking out loud?
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PD:
Yes, what was it you were saying?
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Cool Shoes Bee:
Not sure, I didn’t realize I was saying anything. Sorry if I was bothering you. [faked a sheepish look]
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PD: [Confused look, which is her normal look because she's, say it with me, always confused!]
Oh. Okay.

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-I had to be careful and torture them separately-

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Victim #2- Scarecrow

Scarecrow: [looking for a chart near my desk]

Ha Ha! Is that a dirty limerick?

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Cool Shoes Bee:

What? Is what a dirty limerick?

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Scarecrow: [smiling from ear to ear]

What you were saying right now. It sounded like "I once had a peasant [whispers] fucker"

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Cool Shoes Bee: [looking at her with big shocked eyes]

Waaahhuut!?

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Scarecrow: [embarrassed]

Oh! My mistake I just thought you... sorry.

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As soon as she walked out I laughed till I couldn't breathe! I felt bad but I couldn't tell her just yet.

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Victim #3- Milton

Milton: [walking towards the copy machine that's right next to me]

I'm sorry what?

-

Cool Shoes Bee:

I'm just talking to myself.

-

Milton:

Oh. [You could tell she's dying to ask again but didn't want to risk angering me. Like that's possible, I'm so sweet all the time!]

-
I said it again, made sure she heard me over the copier's noise

-

Milton: [little girl poltergeist voice]

Are you reciting a poem?

-

Cool Shoes Bee:

Um... no, just thinking out loud. Sorry if it bothers you.

-

Milton:

No, it doesn't bother me but out of curiosity, what were you saying?

-

Cool Shoes Bee:

I know I was talking out loud but I'd really rather not talk about it. It's kinda personal.

-

Milton:

I understand but it just seemed like you were saying something about a "pleasant plucker"...?

-

I coudn't stand it anymore I busted out laughing!

-

So let's recap:

We got flucker, peasant fucker, pleasant plucker.

-

I haven't laughed so hard since... well since I got an e-mail saying I had offensive material on my blog! Me! Can you believe it? Me either!!!

I should cut their head off with a humid piece of celery!

-

Yeah, I know. I'm such a Bit- ah-ah-ah... Didn't say it.

My Inner Child Criticized By a 4 Year Old

So...
We took advantage of our day off yesterday and went to visit our friend in the hospital. Since her immune system is non existent at the moment, she could only see my niece thru a window on her door. The rest of the time my sister and niece were in the cafeteria.
After about an hour, I came out and told my sister I'd watch Natalia while she visited our friend.
I sat next to my niece and said,

Cool Tia Bee:
Do you want me to color with you shoogie boogie? (I call her "shoogie boogie" because her parents made me stop calling her "sugar booger"...?)
-
She picked a little boy and a little girl in the snow and said we should color them together.
-
Natalia:
Here, this one seems easy. You can help me with this one.
-
Cool Tia Bee:
What does that mean? That I don't know how to color?
-
Natalia:
No, it means you never finish coloring the pages you start then I have to go back to re-do them.
-
At 4 she sounds like her mother and my mother!
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Cool Tia Bee:
Which one should I color?
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Natalia:
You color the boy because the girl has long hair.
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Cool Tia Bee:
Why would that make a difference?
-
Natalia:
Okay you color the boy because I want to color the girl.
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Cool Tia Bee:
Fine.
-
[I start coloring the boys hair]
-
Natalia:
Why are you coloring his hair yellow?
-
Cool Tia Bee:
Uh... because I want to.
-
Natalia:
You should use your imagination and try other colors.
-
[In the meantime the little girls hair is now blue.]

-
Natalia:
Why are you putting lipstick on the little boy?
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Cool Tia Bee:
I'm not. His lips are red it's cold outside.
-
Natalia:
No, it looks like he has lipstick on. Maybe you should check with me before you color anything else.
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Cool Tia Bee:
You told me to use my imagination.
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Natalia:
Yes but you don't want to make the little boy look like a little girl do you?
-
Cool Tia Bee:
Well the little girl shouldn't be wearing lipstick either. She's too young.
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Natalia:
Have you heard of cherry flavored chapstick?
-
Cool Tia Bee: [Not wanting to argue anymore since I've never won an argument with her.]
Okay, what color do you want me to color his pants?
-
Natalia:
Orange.
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Cool Tia Bee:
Orange? Who wears orange pants?
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Natalia:
The little boy does.
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Cool Tia Bee:
But they'll make fun of him at school.
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Natalia:
He's not in school he's on vacation.
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Cool Tia Bee:
But the little girl will say, 'hey silly! why are you wearing orange pants in the snow?'
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Natlia:
She won't say anything like that, she's nice!
-
[*side note she once told her mom "finger", her pretend friend, thought Tia Bee was rude... I really don't know where she came to that conclusion!]
-
We continue to color in silence until it's time to pick the colors of the scarf.
-
Cool Tia Bee:
What color do you want the scarf boss?
-
Natalia:
Do you know how to alternate colors?
-
Cool Tia Bee:
ALTERNATE? Where did you learn that word?
-
Natalia: [sighs]
I don't know, maybe Pinky Dinky Doo.
-
Cool Tia Bee:
Oh. Yes, I do. What colors do you want me to alternate?
-
Natalia:
Blue and green but don't just use any blue and green let me give you the right ones. We want them to match.
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Cool Tia Bee:
You do realize he has orange pants on right? What matches orange pants?
-
Natalia:
When we finish coloring you'll see how it matches.
-
[Since I'm a great order taker, I do as I'm told]
-
Cool Tia Bee:
What color do you want his jacket?
-
Natalia:
Red.
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[I take a red crayon and start coloring]
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Natalia:
His jacket looks pink Tia Bee!
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Cool Tia Bee:
The crayon clearly says red... look.
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Natalia:
Did you know there are different types of red? Use this color red to fix it!
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Cool Tia Bee:
Fine.
-
Natalia:
I'm just going to hand you the colors you should use, okay?
-
Cool Tia Bee:
Yes ma'am!
-
Natalia:
Are you mad at me?
-
Cool Tia Bee:
No.
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Natalia:
Don't be mad at me, I'm just trying to help you.
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Cool Tia Bee:
I'm not mad. I just want to do a good job.
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Natalia:
You'll do fine.
-
When they came to get us so we could go home she said,
-
'Good! I'm exhausted!'
-
You read that right! I exhausted a four year old!

...

When we finished I had to agree, the colors do look good! As a matter fact I'll be buying a pair of orange pants this weekend!

P.S.

I realize they are holding a pink snowball and a green snowball. If you don't like this color scheme send your complaints to my boss...