According to research*, all Venus needs is big boobs and Mars will follow her even if she has 3 nostrils and no teeth.

*And by “research” I mean stuff I made up.

“The other day”, I was watching Legally Blond while Andy was on is computer, as I’ve mentioned before, his computer is now in the common area because his brother moved in with us. Remember him? The new guy I have to be constantly picking up after? Oh yeah, did I mention he’s 29?? BUT I’M NOT BITTER!!

::deep breath::

As I was watching one of my favorite movies of all time (for reasons I still don’t understand)(why it’s my favorite movie, I mean), the scene where Reese Witherspoon is getting a manicure came on and Andy yelled out “Oh Stifler’s Mom, what has become of you!” and he sounded sad.



So I said '”what are you talking about? She looks the same!” and then Andy came to her defense in a manner I’ve never seen him come to my defense like ever.

“No way, Bee! She was hot!”

Me: Uh, no. She never was. She had big boobs but she looks the same as always.

Andy: You know what? Women can’t admit when another woman is hot.

Me: I disagree.
Very HOT!

Andy: You know what, if you had a penis you would understand.

Oh. Okay. This is Stifler’s mom back when she was “hot”


All I see is big boobs and botox… but then again, I don’t have the intelligent, magical penis that enlightens all.

P.S.
I just saw a commercial for Hooters on my TV. Ladies, we have to take control! We are making great progress when it comes to movies
Beastly
but why is it that all the men in commercials have beer guts and look like Don Rickles.
I’m sure he’s a nice guy but he’s definitely not they type of guy I dream of (see picture above the Rickles dude). I’m not saying they should remove the hot chicks from commercials but I’d like some equality, please.

Mug Shots

Was today one of those days that had you responding "fuck off!" even when someone was just saying "good morning!"?

No? Was it just me? I must be getting less tolerant in my old age. And so begins my moaning about turning another year older in approximately 31 days!

Anyway.

Sunday was my 5th Anniversary at Arkham Asylum. I remember when I first started here, at the young whipper snapper age of 32 (although soon to be 33), and was still a Bambi (naive with balancing issues) with hopes and dreams and a small coffee cup. After a couple of years, I bought a bigger cup because my escapes from my desk for coffee refills became less and less frequent.

This year, to celebrate the demise of my sense of humor when it comes to the Asylum, I graduated to an Andre the giant sized cup. I stopped kidding myself about being able to leave my desk. Ever.

I know what you're thinking, doesn't this mean more potty breaks? I won't tell anyone if you don't!

Of course this also means I am celebrating 5 years of playing "Fetch OZ's sandwich" which is always nice. Especially because one of my joys in life is walking across a vacant lot, side stepping dog poop landmines, in 4 inch heels for a meatball sandwich that somebody else is going to eat.

Yay me!

And if I happen to be at lunch when his majesty wants *HIS* lunch? Well, Glynda and her CSI skills track my ass down.

Glynda [walks into my office doesn't see me so she asks Milton]: Where's Bee?

Milton: Lunch.

Glynda: I was just in the lunchroom and she's not in there but I noticed the toaster is still warm.

Milton: Maybe she stepped out?

Glynda: But her purse is still here. [points at my chair where I place my purse and then swivel it to face the wall so that I don't get burglared by criminal patients]

Milton [starts fidgeting because now she's faced with a puzzle she cannot solve (no, I wasn't there to see it happen but I know my Milton)]: Um well maybe she walked to the gas station/Subway.

Glynda [dusts my area with special tracking powder]: Her car keys were sitting on this ledge and now they’re gone.

Milton: I-I-I don't know where she could be! [cries]

Glynda [she leaves the business office and is hot on my trail]: The foot pattern in the kitchen indicates she headed to the back door. Tiny miniscule crumbs tell me she left the building. This twig that was lying facing the handicap parking spot is now broken in half with the longer piece pointing east. Aha! She's eating her toasted sandwich in her car!

And then I heard a knock on my car window so I looked up and there, in her 4 foot 9 inch flashy white uniform, stood Glynda.

Glynda: OZ needs a meatball sandwich with cheese and 5 onion slices right now.

Yeah, she must still believe in Santa Claus if she thinks I'm gonna jump like a trained poodle and rush over to fetch his sandwich before I've had my lunch.

Me: Did you bring me money?

Glynda: Uh, no but Milton can get it for you.

Me: Okay, I've got another 15 minutes. I'm sure OZ won't die of starvation before then.

Glynda: Will you go right now if I bring you the money.

Me: No.

Glynda: I'll tell him you're on your way anyway. No sense in upsetting him.

And she waited for me to respond but my brain had already dismissed her.

In the amount of time it took her to track me down, she could have walked over to get his damn sandwich but I guess it wouldn't have tasted as good.

One more year of this silliness before I'm fully vested in our retirement fund!

Andyisms:

We spent the weekend at my in-laws house and woke up before sunrise on Sunday morning. As I was getting ready to go outside so that I could witness the sunrise, I asked Andy if he was going to come outside with me and his response was classic Andy:

"Well of course you sappy bastard!"

He makes my heart SOAR!

The compromises one makes in one's marriage will determine how well you sleep at night.

Hey, what's up? How've you been? You know what? Before you answer, let me tell you about last night. Not that I don't care about what you've been up to but this here blog is called "Bee's Musings" not "Everybody tell Bee about their lives because she really cares only she doesn't but she'll pretend to listen because she's all about being polite and shit." that title would NOT fit on the header thingie. So don't be rude and interrupt me, m'mkay?

For the past week and a half I have been completely obsessed and utterly hypnotized by a show called Dexter. There is something about watching a seemingly average, mild mannered man turn into a butchering monster and the only difference in his appearance are the shadows on his face. I have to admit I have a little bit of a crush on him.

   

No, I have a huge GINORMOUS crush on him. I know he's a killer and all but I know I'd be safe. After all, I'm not too much of a bad person. He wouldn't harm me just because I love making fun of people. Words don't kill people, Dexter does.

Throughout my Dexter obsession, Andy has been a trooper and just rolled his eyes every once in a while when I've dreamily sighed after Dexter has dismembered yet another bad guy. We went through the first season pretty quickly and I put the second season in our Netflix Queue faster than you can say "chainsaw" but Andy had some conditions before I could watch the next season.

Well, just ONE condition actually. I had to give in so that I could got back to my Dexter.

His condition? That we watch the movie he put on our Nextflix Queue. A movie called Bitch Slap.

This is straight from IMBD:

When three curvaceous babes, stripper Trixe, business executive Hel, and the feisty ex-con Camero, arrive at a desert hideaway to steal a stash of diamonds from an underworld kingpin, things quickly spiral out of control. Allegiances are switched, truths are revealed, criminals are unmasked and nothing is quite what it seems as the fate of the world is precariously balanced among this trio of sexy femmes fatales. Written by Anonymous (why are you hiding you horn dog?)

Well. Erm. Okay?

Bee: Uh, where did you hear about this movie?

Andy [looks away]: Uhm, I watch a lot of trailers so this was one of them and it just looked... INTERESTING Yeah! That's it! It's an action adventure film and you know how I love "action" and "adventure"!

Bee: Mmmmhm. [stares at him with her Dexter starved eyes and then shrugs] put it on. No, wait. Let me get my ice cream [because ice cream washes away all the dirty].

So we sit down and the first scene is this:

 

And then the girls are diggin by moving one grain of sand at a time while their boobies nearly spill out of their tops.

(left to right: Hel, Trixie, Camero)

Well damn! They should come help me dig my flower beds.

All that digging is making them hot, though, so they decide to cool off with a water fight. While their boobies nearly spill out of their tops.

But then the girls get mad at each other because one makes out with the other so they fight! While their boobies nearly spill out of their tops.

Sadly, one dies (sorry if I ruined part of the movie for you!). While her boobies nearly spill out of her top.

(I think this was Andy's favorite.)

I won't ruin the end for you because I don't want you to track me down just so you can Bitch Slap me so I'll just share some of my favorite quotes from the movie:

"Camero: I'm gonna booty-bang bitch slap your fucking ass until you're just this side of salvage. Then I'm gonna ram-ride girly's show tits asunder before I plow both of you bitches under!" --(damn, girlfriend! Do you eat cheese with that mouth?)

"Camero: Fun's over with, Gage. Next stop, brown town." --(ouchie!)

"Trixie: We read that we ought to forgive our enemies; but we do not read..." --(she's the smurt one)

"Trixie: Oh, my God. You're a wicked-cool covert operative masquerading as a sex-toy tycoon?
Hel: Mm-hmm. My mission was retrieve that... a weaponized vial of synthetic nano-swarm that Gage hijacked from a CIA convoy. It's filled with trillions of self-replicating robo-viruses that latch onto any living organism and suck the carbon out... 'til you, me, even the cockroaches are nothing more than gray goo" --(glad she's on our side!)

"Gage: [to Trixie] You take orders better than a Bangkok bum boy." --(nuff said)

When it ended, I let Andy know that the video quality wasn't bad for a B-movie and he just shrugged. I think he was upset because none of their boobies actually spilled out of their tops.

Oh well! On to Dexter, shirtless!

 

"Camero: The bitch is back!" --(Well, said my busty friend! Well said!)

EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT! ANDY ATTACKED BY BEE'S MINIONS!

I was having a great day at ACS last week, happy to be inside an air conditioned place instead of melting and leaving puddles in my wake, when I suddenly received a frantic text message from My Andy.

See if you can figure out what happened.

"Illustration" by Bee

Why do people always look at me weird when they listen to my side of a phone conversation??

Me [to Andy]: It's a big piece of meat.

I listen to what Andy is saying.

Me: You'll recognize it when you see it. It's HUGE.

I listen some more

Me [I gesture with fingers and hands as if he can see me]: It's thick. About an inch, inch and a half. Probably about a foot long, maybe a little shorter.

Listen, listen, listen.

Me: Well, compare them. Which one is bigger?

I nod as I listen.

Me: Yup! That's the one I want! Now put it on the stove. Thanks!

I turn to see Margara staring at me and shaking her head as if she was trying to make sense of what she was hearing.

In the end, Andy chose the wrong piece of meat. I wanted this one:

  8 pounds

But he actually thawed the short and stubby one:

3.5 pounds

That man needs constant supervision!

Sane-ness is overrated. Or maybe I should say *SANITY* is overrated? Meh. I'll stick to *sane-ness*

As some of you may know, my brother-in-law Jim has moved into the Beehive. We're still adjusting and I'm sure we'll go through a bunch of head knocking before we all sit and cumbaya around a campfire.

Since my floor only has 2 bedrooms and one bedroom we use to go night night and the other is Andy's dungeon, Andy had to move his dungeon out so that Jim could use that as his bedroom.

Because our house isn't one of these houses:

 

we had to figure out where Andy's Orc murdering device would go.

Lucky for me, I now I have my man sitting only about 15 feet away from me.

Yep, that's right. We are now so close I can read his thoughts and he can hear my growls.

I'll be watching TV and swearing at it because it makes me angry or hungry and he'll be like "what? did you say something?" and I'll say "yes but not to you" and then he'll ask "what?" because he has his earphones on so he can only hear sounds I make and can't actually decipher them and then I'll respond "YES BUT NOT TO YOU" and he'll turn to stare at me and I'll have craned my neck to shake my head and he'll shrug and go back to his "quest". Or, I'll be sitting in quiet reflection as I scroll through my emails and I'll hear "pick up the ads, get out of the fire" and I'll ask "WHAT?? FIRE?? THERE'S A FIRE??" --silence-- "Andy??" and I'll get up so that I may make eye contact and then he'll shoo me away because he's mean and I'll go back to my chair all sad and dejected with the determination not to fall for his tricky trap again but 5 minutes later I'm all like "did you say something?"

I'm not looking forward to the day that I'm watching "So You Think You Can Dance" and swearing at the judges and Andy is trying to call orders to his minions and he'll get upset because his minions can hear me call Nigel an aging douchebag and so a spousal brawl will break out in the kitchen because there isn't any room to fight anywhere else.

::sigh::

On the bright side, I'm partially deaf out of my right ear so maybe everything will be all right in the end.

P.S.

No, my window still has not been fixed.

P.P.S.

I went back for the shoes but they were gone. Now some mean bitch is tottering around in my cool shoes!

Andy wanted me to title this "Poopy McPoopypants" or "Spanky McSpankerpants" and so I am.

Now that I'm working 48 hours a day, Andy and I have to have a lot of our conversations via text messages and honestly, I think it's brought us closer together because when I'm being sarcastic, he thinks I'm being sweet and so there are less arguments. This particular conversation took place today while I was setting up table displays at ACS.

Andy: Bee?

Bee: Yep?

Andy: Why is there a steak knife on the bed?

Bee: Because I couldn't find the chicken sheers.

Andy: Bee?

Bee: Yeeeesss??

Andy: Why did you need the chicken sheers in the bedroom?

And while I was in the middle of typing a long detailed explanation, Mr. Inpatient sent me another message

Andy: Weeell?? :o\

Bee: Dammit! I was about to tell you hold on!

Bee: I was going to wear my jeans with the razor cuts but then I remembered they almost slid off my butt when I was on the ladder.

Andy: When, where and WHY were you on a ladder.

Bee: Monday, at ACS, looking for the duster I misplaced last week.

Bee: So I went to get my belt but the belt had that thick plastic hang tag still on it so I needed to remove it and that's where the knife comes in.

Andy: Should I even ask why there's a baggie full of cheese cubes on your night stand?

Bee: I was wondering where my cheese went!

When I got home he told me he thought the steak knife was like some sort of weird warning "if you cheat on me, I'll cut your dick off".

Andy: I was gonna say you'd need to use a machete not a wimpy steak knife. [looks at me and winks] eh? EH?

Bee: I love how my violent tendencies are always on your mind right along with your delusions of grandeur.

Andy:  Asshole.

And that ladies and gents, is how a perfect relationship works!

Velociraptors are making a come back, man!

While Andy and I were watching TV after a long workday at both my jobs.

Me: [nonchalant-like] When I was driving home tonight, I thought I heard a velociraptor chasing me.

Andy: [whips his head to stare at me and I have his full attention which is unusual because he never bothers to glance my way when I'm speaking and that is how he always claims I never told him something because if he doesn't make eye contact, it didn't happen] Huh?

Me: [twitching a little] I was driving and I kept hearing this noise [I stood up and kinda made a squeak/cluck/ftftftft noise] so I turned down the radio thinking it might be that but I still heard the noise so I thought 'that sounds like a fucking velociraptor!' so then I drove a little faster, you know, just in case I needed to out run it and then I thought 'there is no hope for you if it is a velociraptor, dumbshit!'.

Andy: [eyes wide open, staring intently at my head] . . . So, was it?

Me: [eye roll] If it were a velociraptor, I wouldn't be here telling you this story right now! Half of me would be in a velocirpator's stomach and the other half hanging from a tree in the forest preserve! Duuuuh!

Andy: Right, because I'm the crazy one! You know what's amazing?

Me: [thinking he's gonna give me some insight into the velociraptor mind] What?

Andy: You can be 100% sober and still sound drunk!

Looking back, I guess it was a little nuts for me to think there was a velociraptor chasing me down Main Street. Especially because it would have preferred to be in a more populated area so it could have a bigger snack selection but a girl can never be too safe when driving home at 10 at night.

Also, no, I wasn't drinking but I was very tired so that may account for my delusions. And! If you're wondering why I had to stand up to do my velociraptor impersonation it's because I also flapped my arms to add to the sound effect.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful and have the best skin tone and am awesome and things look naturally good on me and because I'm conceited.

Scene:

Andy and Bee sitting in their respective TV watching sofa/chairs stuffing their faces with chocolate cake.

Bee: Man, I don't know why but it feels like ACS tired me out more than usual today!

Andy: Chocolate cake makes everything better!

Bee: True! I think I'm gonna quit ACS, though.

Andy: Why? I thought you loved working there!

Bee: I do! But... all the clothes in stock looks too good on me.

Andy: Wow!

Bee: I know! Take for example the new shipment that came in--

Andy: No. I mean "wow" what an ego you're carrying!

Bee: What do you mean? I'm just being honest!

Andy: I'm sure you are. Do you have to buy an extra ticket when you go to the movies? One for you and one for your giant ego?? [laughs hysterically]

Bee: [evil squinty eyes] Are you calling me fat?

Andy: [panicked face, eyes wide open] WHAT?? NO! NO, NOT ALL NO!

Bee: [looking at nails] Then what is that crack about an extra seat at the movies?

Andy: OH GOD NO! I was just making a joke about your ego!

Bee: [sadly nods head] You hurt my feelings.

Andy: Babe, I seriously only meant EGO.

Bee: ... It was mean.

Andy: [wraps me up in bear hug] You know what? Why don't you buy yourself something nice tomorrow? Maybe a nice shirt? Would that make you feel better??

Bee: [instantly happy!] OKAY!

Ladies, you have much to learn from me.

The best way to celebrate an anniversary is with a ROAST!

So today is my(mine?) and Andy's anniversary. For those of you keeping track, that is 9 years of marriage. NINE YEARS! I don't think there's a couple alive that has been married this long!

Okay, I know I joke about the fact that it seems like a lifetime but in reality, I can't ever say I've felt like "Wow! I've been with ONE guy all of this time?" because I was never a whore before I got married and it's mean of you to think so.

You may be wondering what the secret to our marriage is. What is it that keeps us hanging around day after stressful day and night after sleepless night?

There are some crazy farfetched theories out there that state the key ingredients are communication (communication shmunication! The only communication you should have with your spouse should be things like 'pass the biscuits' or 'move because that bus is going to nail you'. DO NOT talk about things like your feelings and other nonsense! I mean, what are you? A woman?) and sex (sex shmex! who needs the *slap and tickle* when you can have a night of restful, uninterrupted sleep? People need their sleep for balancing purposes. You know, because the next day they may be on a 12ft ladder or walking around in 4 inch heels?) but no, they are all wrong! I owe it to you, my friends, to list a few of the secrets I have compiled that make our marriage such a success.

First I'm going to start with SURPRISE and sometimes the harsher SHOCK. Yep. SURPRISE/SHOCK.

Let me explain what I mean when I say Surprise/Shock. I don't mean 'hey, I just bought you a diamond ring' type of surprise and I don't mean 'I found this hooker outside so I'd thought I'd bring her in from the cold nasty rain but my penis accidentally fell inside her' type of shock. It's more like this:

On Valentine's Day, Andy brought me a dozen roses. I was surprised that he forgot I don't celebrate V-Day and he was shocked that I don't like roses. Sure, we've only touched on the subject a bajillion times but there you have it. It's like we barely met and so this helps us keep the *oldness* out of our relationship so that it seems *new*. And *new* is the new *happy*.

Every night, when 10:30 approaches, I'm still shocked that Andy says "Its bedtime" knowing. how. much. it. IRRITATES. ME. and he'll still be surprised I'm not ready for bed at 10:30 (because I'm not a chicken who needs to be up at the crack of dawn so that the rooster won't come and beat it with a tire iron).

But there are other things you can do to keep your marriage jacked up on L - O - V - E.

Using terms of endearment goes a long way in ensuring your spouse feels loved. Why, Andy calls me "Asshole" all the time and it's like a soft caress inside my heart. Or maybe that's just my blood pressure again. Who knows? I guess I'll find out if I ever keel over one day but even then it'll be because of love!

Making loving comments also helps the marriage. Just the other night I said, "If we had separate bedrooms, I could go to bed without fearing you'll wake me up from a sound sleep when you're done raiding wooglies." and he responds "Bee, if we have separate bedrooms, we might as well not be married" Awww what a beautiful thought to have before sinking into a deep sleep where I dream of shredding roses and Valentine's Day massacre.

Also! Doing cute things like pointing out her lip hair helps too. And asking her questions like "what's going on here??" as he points and she thinks he's pointing at her head like he wants to know what she's thinking and just when she's about to confess her fears, her wishes, her dreams, he points again and asks "what's that thing on your face? Is that a pimple?" and she respond "thanks for pointing it out buttnut because I hadn't realized it was there!" and then he asks "are you serious? you didn't know it was there or are you being sarcastic?" and then she respond "of course I hadn't noticed something as big as my fist sitting on my face!" and then he puts his fist up to her face to compare sizes and offers to squeeze it for her. Because we women are not self conscious about slight imperfections, that right there makes us feel cherished, loved and not at all uncomfortable. Walking around the rest of the day with our hand covering said pimple is only so that it won't get sunburned.

Oh! Having nothing in common also works! For example, sometimes Andy and I will be sitting next to each other, NOT COMMUNICATING, while I listen to some old school Billie Holiday from my iphone because I love music of all kinds and he'll be listening to a World of Warcraft podcast on his iphone because he has no music downloaded. He can apparently go the rest of his life without music which baffles my mind because I sleep with the radio on, take a shower with the radio on, work with the radio on, drive with the radio on, dance/argue/fish/eat/drink/burp/sing/laugh and the radio is on on ON!

After rereading some of my *tips*, I've realized I've left out what I do for our marriage. Or my contribution to marital bliss, if you will.

I guess I can be described as a reasonable, loving woman. I shouldn't be to blame if you try waking me up before it's absolutely necessary for me to get up and I wind up screaming like a deranged banshee. I don't care if you're waking me with kisses! Don't you know I didn't sleep well because somebody's knee was practically up my bumhole?? Do you want me to be Grumpy and Sleepy rolled into one and risk me having a car accident?

See? Totally reasonable.

Let's see, I'm also an understanding person. For example, if I want 2 pairs of shoes but I'm told I can only have one, I then might say something like "you know what? how about I just don't buy any?? WILL THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY??" because I want what's best for our relationship. And in the end I may end up with 3 pairs of shoes but that's only because my tantrum was beautifully executed in front of dozens of people and to not please me would be dishonorable.

I know what you're thinking "Bee, you and Andy should maybe see a marriage counselor" but to that I say "Why fix what aint broke?" If this relationship has lasted a whole 9 years, chances are it'll last a whole 9 more and, in dog years, that's like TEN lifetimes.

Besides, our differences are what will have us continue to live happily ever sometimes.

All kidding aside, I lucked out finding Andy. I'm thankful I was the one to see what a great man he would turn out to be. Sure, there are days we make each other gorilla shit crazy. But there are other days where we have so much fun it's hard to believe we're adults in charge of dogs and everything. We've had some tough times only witnessed by each other. Things we had to deal with and go through on our own that left some internal battle scars but in the end we have overcome and/or made up and moved on because, ultimately, we're friends first.

Friends who would rather chop off an arm (somebody else's arm) rather than hurt each other.

Friends who get really pissed at stupid things but then laugh at the ridiculesness of the arguments  so that they're easily diffused.

Friends who don't let each other drive drunk in the automobile of L - O - V - E.

You can quote me on that, suckas!

 

Happy Anniversary, babe! And thanks for putting up with the psycho that is me!

Picking a movie to celebrate wedded bliss is serious business.

So, this coming Friday, April 16th, is the anniversary of my marriage to one Andy Husband.

We are planning on having a whole weekend celebration where we will go to dinner and a movie AT NIGHT TIME. With all the young folk! We were undecided as to what to see because, it being our anniversary, we wanted it to be something we both wanted to watch. The movie should have a hint of romance too, I guess?

These were our choices:

Death at a Funeral (the American version)-

Starring Chris Rock and that dude from Martin.

The movie looks wildly entertaining but the down side is that, while there is eye candy for men, I have never been attracted to Chris Rock and Martin makes me pukey so there would be no eye candy for *me*.

Kick Ass-

A comic book movie. Need I say more? Okay.

I am not a fan of comics but my Andy is so this would be totally one sided. And did Nicolas Cage ever get his face back after Faceoff or did he just keep the mask they used in the movie?

Date Night-

With Tina Fey and Steve Carrell. Two of the funniest people alive as far as I'm concerned.

On paper, it looks like the perfect movie. A husband and wife trying to rekindle some feeling, love maybe?, and hijinks ensue. The only problem with this movie is that it's also scary. I mean, it's about a married couple that rarely ventures out into the late night and all they want to do is have a nice evening. Maybe have some wine and play a little footsie under the table but instead, THEY ARE CHASED BY BAD GUYS! Yes, there is a flash of Mark Wahlberg's abs which would make it a pro but they also show his face so that would be a con. Anyway, I'm afraid this movie will knock our new found confidence of walking into the dark without our fluorescent headbands back on its ass where we will land on our sofa thanking the lord we don't have to go out again until next year.

and last but not least,

Clash of Titans-

 
Staring some very good looking people. So this movie has something for me

and something for Andy.

It has romance and fight scenes and hot guys and hot girls and it's a remake of one of my favorite movies of all time. Sure, the old movie is totally dated and the special effects look like something you can find in the driveway after it rains but the story is one I wouldn't mind seeing again.

Did I mention: 

And that is how we made our decision. Solely based on the attractiveness of the actors.

On Saturday, Andy will be cooking me a special Thai dinner which he has been researching for a few weeks now. We've searched high and low to find such ingredients as Tamarind sauce, Curry leaves and Koala feet. He's also making a special spiced wine pear desert that has me drooling.

When I was telling my mom about the dinner and kinda hinting that the dinner was only for 2 so her and my brother Rick were going to have to fend for themselves on Saturday (because we all usually eat together), she had some suggestions for Andy.

Mom: Tell him to light some candles for you so that it will be more romantic.

I translate her suggestion to Andy.

Andy: Well I was but now it'll be weird because your mom suggested it.

Mom: Tell him to put a heart made out of rose petals on the bed.

Me: MOM!

Mom [hides her face in her hands while giggling uncontrollably]: Hee hee hee! And then tell him to make a path of rose petals leading to the bed! Hee hee hee!

Translate to Andy.

Andy: BWAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!

Me: [dying of mortification inside]

Some of you may have open discussions about your love life with your parents but our motto has always been "Ewww shut up!" and it has worked for us so far but lately my mom has become less shy around us. And it may all be fine and good for the rest of my shameless siblings but I prefer to, oh I don't know, slam my head on a concrete bench?

Besides, my wifely duties are nobody's business but mine. And maybe Andy's.

I just shivered from the heebie jeebies again!

P.S.

Phone conversation with Andy about previous post about Starved Rock and the Hoochie Big Boobed Whore:

Andy: Wow! You really hated having that woman sitting there, huh?

Me: Who? The whore? Not at all babe, I was just exaggerating.

Andy: And by the way, the soda machines was in the opposite direction.

Me: Good because if I would have seen you walking towards Hoochie Big Boobs, I would have tackled your ass. Only maybe not because then you would have landed on her boobs.

Andy: ::dreamy sigh:: Ahh! A soft spot to land.

Me: Here is my advice to you, when you see me, RUN AND HIDE!

Sometimes, I wonder where my posts take a turn to Weirdville.

Andy and I went to Starved Rock this weekend.

We climbed stairs.

 

Laughed at silly warnings.

 

Reenacted said warnings and stood too close to a cliff.

Almost tripped over this huge tree! Where are the warning signs??

 

Found a cave people have been using as a toilet. ::shiver::

 

A guy who was with 3 teenage boys burst their little "cool! we found a cave!" bubble by saying "Boys, that there is human urine!" and it made me giggle.

 

Were completely hypnotized by the breath taking sights.

Oh wait, that wasn't what I talking about. Here it is:

That's not it either! Ah, I found it:

After all the climbing, tripping, and wood smelling, we headed back to the visitors center for some much needed soft serve ice cream. I sat facing the beautiful scenery with my back to the visitor center but something compelled me to turn around (probably Andy's lack of focus?) and that's when I noticed the woman in a tube top dress who kept readjusting the girls, waiting for... her client?

 

I swear she sat like that for about half an hour, probably longer but I finally dragged Andy back to the car after he went to get a ""soda"".

I now regret calling her a whore because she was probably waiting for her priest so she may confess her sins. Or maybe she was waiting for a date so she thought she'd pose for him so he'd get a good look on the way in? Sad. Poor little big boobed floozy whore! I cry for you.

 

 

What? I'm not insecure!

"Bee n' Andy" — Supporting your spouse.