They should make a "are you mad at me" that is taken neutrally and informationally every time and doesn't make everything worse when you ask it

i've asked this question many times in my life, and it has never really worked, even when the answer was "no, of course not."

it's because it isn't really the right question. you aren't really asking them "are you mad at me." and i know because i am there and in your body - i can't handle people being upset with me. i feel useless and worthless when i mess up. i am panicky, wild, unreal. i grew up in an unsafe house - i am not just asking are you mad? i am also asking am i going to get hurt now? how can i prevent getting hurt? are you going to yell? are you going to ignore me? are you going to ignore my apologies? overly punish me? are you going to stop loving me now? have i ruined this? am i a bad person to you? do you hate me?

it is hard and it takes work and honestly the work doesn't always, like. actually work. sometimes i still ask are you mad? because i can see it in someone's face very quickly. i can sense it like rain or an earthquake: i had to as a child. i am very good at it.

it puts us in a bad spot. we are asking for reassurance and are you mad is not a reassurance question. we ask to help our feelings, but this question is framed in such a way that it is solely about their feelings, and usually... that is hard to answer. i've had someone ask me this a lot, and it can be tricky because the answer isn't always just no, and you don't want to be dishonest. maybe they aren't mad, they have resting bitch face. maybe they're just annoyed, and in about 5 minutes they'll literally forget what annoyed them. maybe they are mad and don't want to talk about it until they've cooled off. maybe they haven't really processed their feelings yet, and need some space to do so.

i have had someone ask me this when my answer was yes, that really hurt me. and while i knew she was asking for reassurance, it was really difficult to walk that line - how do i honor my own feelings without sending her into an anxiety spiral? the way this question is framed is that it is very isolating. i am responsible for my own feelings, but i am aware that honestly expressing those feelings might seriously injure you. and while i might be super hurt and angry, that doesn't mean i want you to be hurt. how do i say yes in that situation, then, even if it's true?

it sucks as as the person with anxious attachment i've had to do so much fucking work not to ask this. instead, i ask hey, i'm feeling insecure about the face you just made. was that about me? instead i say i am feeling distant from you. can we reconnect? is there something you want to talk about? instead i say i am feeling insecure, and need reassurance you're not upset with me. sometimes i drop the therapy speak and i say (to very trusted people): hey my idiot brain thinks im still in that bad house and you hate me and this friendship is ruined. can you tell me im being stupid please.

if all else fails, it's sometimes worth it to write down what you're feeling and turn it into an "i statement." i know i messed up, and i feel like you're still mad at me or i don't know why, but i feel like you've been upset with me. can we talk? and then open the floor to them for a calm, thoughtful conversation. ask for the reassurance and connection you actually need. your heart wants to be close to their heart, and something is in the way. it might not be anger, genuinely.

for the people that are good to keep, most of the time - they'll be willing to have these conversations with you, even if they are angry. maybe they didn't know how to bring something up with you. if you're calm and receptive, they feel like they can get the apology they were looking for. maybe they're mad about something personal they're going through. and if they aren't mad at you, maybe you can share why you're insecure about things like this (how you were raised, a bad ex), and get that connection and sense of love.

i have "codes" with partners and friends. they know i struggle with intrusive thoughts and this kind of anxiety. for one of them, i will just look at him and say i'm smelly and nobody likes me? and he says something ridiculous like yes i have been throwing darts at your face and we move the fuck on. another gives my hand a squeeze any time they need a little extra comfort or companionship, and i hang quietly back with them at parties. my friend has very similar social anxiety to me and we play a "catastrophe" game where one of us says a repeating thought like nobody likes me and the next says nobody likes me and they're making curses about me right now. this all makes me feel loved, trusted, cherished. this was all also worked for through communication, patience, and....

well i hate to say it lads. but the final ingredient in all of this is trust. from your end, not theirs. you can seek reassurance or closeness all day but if you do not trust their response or trust them to be honest with you... it will never stick. for people in your life that deserve it - that deserve communication and kindness - your trust is necessary. we cannot spend our lives hunting for ways they're trying to hurt us, trying to outfox the next trauma. i know our bodies want to. trust me.

we will be wrong about people. there will be a person that blindsides you in the future. i know, i'm sorry. but in the meantime, i keep coming back to a question i ask myself all the time: if i'm wrong about you, do i still want you in my life? if i can't (or shouldn't) trust this person when they say no i'm not mad, can i trust them at all? do i want them as a friend or partner? most of the time, these are people who have repeatedly proven their love, support, and empathy. shouldn't i trust that instead of, i don't know, my stupidevil brain that also thinks i'm some kind of supervillain?

i love you, i'm not mad at you. the thing you're searching for is that person's love or affection. this question won't give it to you. i know, i've tried it. try opening your heart instead.

Oough this hits home. I find it especially difficult when the trust _isn't_ there and you usually can't ask the question, and you can't easily leave the situation. By which I mean the workplace and other spheres of association not based in friendship.

At least it's made me think a lot about how important it is to give reassurance signals, especially to anyone you're trying to manage but also at a peer level. Even when I'm frustrated and grouchy, I try to initiate greetings and farewells and always respond to them. I say "thanks" and "I appreciate your help" more than anybody else I've ever worked with, because to me those are reassurance-pings as well as good manners. (In a way, perhaps the standard rules of politeness _are_ a system of reassurances.)

Shop updates, December 12, 2024:

If you live in the USA and you're pleading for donations to pay your rent, bills, or get food then dial 211! Please dial 211 before the last minute!

It's a toll free service with people who will help you find programs in your community to pay those bills, find food, and find housing! They will give you numbers to call so you can get help.

It is not 100% foolproof. Their job is to direct you to a program they believe will help your current issue, but it's still a step up from praying random strangers online will give you enough cash before a deadline! The added benefit of these community programs, which get funded by the local government most of the time, is if there are more people using them then they can get more money to help more people.

You're not taking resources from other people if you use your community services. Your taxes pay for them. Use them.

Dial 211 first to see if they can help, and if for some reason they can't, then make your donation posts!

https://www.211.org/

Hi I work for my state's 211 service. It really breaks my heart how many people only know to call us at the last minute. 211's can provide a whole wealth of resources to use before things ever get to a cut off utility, eviction, or homelessness!

I can't speak for all 211's but most should also have a website detailing all the agencies in their database. if you don't like phone calls, this can be something to reference instead.

If you don't have health insurance but you need to see a doctor, reference 211! We list clinics that provide free or discounted general care, vision, and dental services to low income households and people without insurance! Many hospitals also have financial aid policies that can severely reduce your bill if you had an expensive procedure!

If you're stuck in a dead end job or need educational resources reference 211! There are a lot of programs focused on providing basic adult education as well as trade skills or other high demand fields! State governments are generally more interested in funneling people into work than providing benefits, but you can still use this to your advantage especially if you have some form of disability but are still able to work. That includes if you're neurodiverse or have mental health issues! Most of these programs are extremely underutilized.

If you believe you qualify for public benefits but the bureaucracy of the process is in your way, reference 211! There are agencies specifically geared towards helping people obtain the benefits they qualify for- for free!

If you need help with your taxes-

If you need help finding a pro bono lawyer-

If you need help finding affordable housing/section 8 housing-

If you need help finding food pantries-

If you need help paying for your prescriptions-

If you need help obtaining disability aids or assistive technology-

If you need help finding transportation options-

If you need help following a natural or personal disaster (like a home fire)-

If you need help repairing a home you or your family owns or it needs modifications to be accessible-

If you need Queer resources-

Reference your 211!!!!!

I had no idea what 211 was before working for it but I wish I had. I've learned so much about what resources are actually available to the community even in a ho hum area of the country like my state. I've saved my partner literally thousands of dollars just from the medical resources I've gathered.

Not enough young people know about or utilize these services but they are there for you!

P. S.

This isn't an intended use of 211, but I like to reference the agency listings when I look for jobs. Many of the agencies listed are non-profits which, while they certainly are not perfect, generally have lower barriers of entry to decent paying jobs with benefits. The work environments tend to be much kinder and at least pretend to be forward thinking. You're more likely to find jobs without as many people applying as well, especially if they're only advertising their positions through their own website.

Really been mulling this over a lot lately.

Transcript of Tiktok by stevetomjohn, in response to a stitch that says “but I am not going to hang onto every CNN breaking news…”:

This is one of the few times when I’m actually going to weigh in with my expertise, I did my PhD dissertation on North Korean propaganda. North Korea is, contrary to popular belief, a right wing authoritarian ethnostate, and there are a lot of reasons why that is that I’m not going to get into in this video. 

But as someone who thought a lot about propaganda, I have some things that I want to share. The main thing is exactly this point, that it’s a bad idea to pay attention to every little thing that you see. A lot of people think of propaganda as something that’s trying to teach you something that you end up believing, so it’s like “profits are great now, profits are great now, profits are great now!” and then all of a sudden the audience is like “oh yeah, profits are great now,” but that’s actually not the case most of the time. 

One of the articles that really broke my brain about this is, again, this is a very academic article in 20th century music, called “Stalin and the Art of Boredom” by Marina Frolova-Walker who specializes in soviet propaganda of sort of the mid 20th century. And she argues that the point of a lot of propaganda is not actually to convince you of anything, but to bore you into submission by basically filling up your brain to the point where nothing else can take up that space. So like, if you see a statue of Stalin in the courtyard, it doesn’t actually inspire any feelings about Stalin, but what it does do is fill up that “statue” position with something of Stalin so you cannot image something else being there. 

So, if you’re someone who wants to see a different world, staying on this outrage wheel, obsessing over the people that you don’t want in that position, actually has that effect on you, it prevents you from sort of imagining and planning what you would actually want the world to look like, because you’re spending too much time obsessing over the way that it looks now. Just one of the many ways that I would advise you to protect your mental health in the world and help you build the world that you want to see.

Eh, at least this person reading our tumblr posts on Tiktok over Minecraft footage is a good elocutionist. I'm like 80% sure that's a real person, not a voice synthesizer.

Disclaimers and corrections to the post at large:

Apparently I was wrong about it being a real human voice! Technology, she changes.

Anyway, in the comments of the video I heard about something cool: the Cholitas Escaladoras, a group of Indigenous mountain climbers in Bolivia who combine modern climbing gear with their traditional skirts and bowler hats, in defiance of Bolivia's anti-Indigenous bias, their own culture's sexism, and the climate change that is taking the very ice they climb out from under them.

anyway the actual point of fandom is to inspire each other. reading each other's fics and admiring each other's art and saying wow i love this and i feel something and i want to invoke this in other people, i want to write a sentence that feels like a meteor shower, i want to paint a kiss with such tenderness it makes you ache, i want to create something that someone else somewhere will see it and think oh, i need to do that too, right now. i am embracing being a corny cunt on main to say inspiring each other is one of the things humanity is best at and one of the things fandom is built for and i think that's beautiful

#fandom is a party not a market via @kittenjammer

Hey

Hey Americans.

The federal government is about to get useless for at least a bit. This is a GREAT time to get involved in state level environmental orgs. That's where you're gonna be able to do the most for the next few years. Even a bit of casual volunteering can make a big difference.

I've done this off and on for years and when we go local we WIN. And friends winning feels good. This is how a lot of progressive agendas have won in this country. The whole US isn't out of this. People ARE still fighting climate change all around you.

You could be one of those people, in community with other people who are doing something.

disabled people are worth whatever cost or resources is needed to keep them alive. disabled people are worth it even if they don't live long. they're worth it even if they will need extra support and resources for every day of their life. they're worth it even if they spend all they life indoors. none of it is wasted. none of it is in vain. time, effort, money, resources spent on a life are not wasted. these things have served their purpose. the joy of someone's existence is not undermined by not lasting forever. there's no meaningful point, some threshold where you can say "okay this is enough. after that it's not worth it." it's always worth it.

This is resonating deeply with me today. People have constantly been blocking the ramp out of my apartment lately and it makes me feel like I am not worth the effort. I'm glad there are still people who think otherwise

something has gone deeply wrong when "focusing pragmatically on issues you can influence and working to make life better for yourself and your community" is considered an unserious distraction while "endlessly exposing yourself to media about distressing situations you can't control" is considered political engagement

6 days for the Kickstarter to go! We're at $2,779 - almost halfway to the first stretch goal.

And I... kind of couldn't stop designing another blanket. Because we are in love. And will be married in the spring.

It's available as a $70 add-on pledge.

(Will I keep coming out with new things to add to the Kickstarter? Yes, actually! My repository of 99% finished designs is huge.)

Though actually, that reminds me... I originally made these journals with the Kickstarter in mind, but they're not a good fit for it. I have six colour variations of the same journal, and it can come in a choice of three different pages (blank, ruled, and grid). And for something not optimized for ecommerce like Kickstarter, that is just too dang many possible variations.

Anyway, they're 5.2" x 7.4" (13.2cm x 18.8cm). They're based on some Alphonse Mucha deep cuts.

So, to recap:

Kickstarter for blanket and many other things: HERE, ends Sunday Nov 17

Etsy for sewing patterns, custom print designs, and these journals: HERE, always open.

Great news! After a ton of work, I've got my business's 2024 Kickstarter up and running! It's live now until Sunday, November 17.

I have a lot of projects underway that this project will help me see to fruition, including:

And/yet/also, I know myself. I am a bit of an ADHD chaos goblin with chronic pain. So I've learned from Kickstarters past, and made sure to center the campaign around rewards that I can be certain of delivering. That is, this campaign absolutely will include vouchers for free or discounted copies of those projects if they're funded and they happen! But I know they will take time and definitely not arrive by Christmas 2024.

Therefore: I've been designing a bunch of new items that I can be sure of! I wanted to be able to show off my embroidery patterns in new and interesting ways, and find different methods of fulfillment that are ready to roll out the moment the campaign ends and I get your shipping information.

There are a lot of others, and I'll probably detail more about them over the next week and a half, but it's past 4am so I'll keep this relatively short. The outlines are up on the Kickstarter. Here's the one I'm the most excited about:

Motherfucking CUSTOM-WOVEN throw blankets!

I made the design myself, as the intersection of my obsessions with medieval celestial ceilings, sacred geometry, marine navigation, Tolkienian Elvish heraldry, and quilting. It's called "Mariner's Star", and I'm incredibly excited about it. If you don't know about jacquard looms and how they were 19th century punch card proto-computers, I think you're missing out.

Kickstarter link here!

It ends Sunday, Nov 17!

I think it's important to remember, as a rule of thumb, if you take advantage of a social service, it actually makes it easier for other people who need that service to access it. Most of the time, when these services get cut, it's because politicians will look at usage and say "see, no one is really using this thing, we can afford to trim the budget for food stamps by at least half". Whereas if you decide to step up and use these programs, even if you feel like you "don't really need it", at bare minimum it's another data point advocates can use to say "hey, look, people are using this thing, this is an important service we are providing, do not cut our funding".

I work at a nonprofit, and it is absolutely wild explaining to folks that being part of a program that reduces their energy bill actually helps us get funding to help even more people get energy bill savings.

You aren’t taking resources from anyone by using programs you qualify for. You are making a case for those programs being important enough to continue to exist and (in many cases) grow.

We live in a world so controlled by the idea of resource scarcity that we reason "If I get help, that must be taking help away from someone else!"

The thing I learned in the social services sector: Nobody gets all the help they need just handed to them. I don't know if there was ever a time or place where they did, but it's definitely not now.

I'd see people coming into a shelter with all their worldly goods stuffed in a laundry basket, listen to their tales of devastating and horrific abuse, hand them a plastic bag of toiletries, and help them sign up for government assistance that wouldn't even cover their rent. They'd leave and I'd pray that they'd find a good job fast, and not have to move back into their abusive house because they couldn't afford to live alone.

When I was a kid I used to think that if I had cancer, my problems would suddenly be "bad enough" that I'd be showered with love and support. And now I've heard from so many cancer survivors about how getting sick meant losing a lot of their social lives, because a lot of their friends checked out when the going got tough. How a lot of them went bankrupt, because cancer treatment drained every resource they had.

When I worked a crisis phone line, I had to coach people: "The people who work for government assistance are paid to be assholes and turn down as many people as possible. It's not personal. It's designed to make you give up, where "you" means "everybody." What they need is for you to call every shelter in the city, and I'm gonna give you their names and numbers. We share information so I know they're full up today and can't help you either. Your job is like a bingo card that racks up no answers, where every rejection is actually good. Once you've gotten a rejection from all six shelters, you can take that bingo card back to government assistance, and then they HAVE to fund you a hotel room for the night. If it's feeling rough and you need some encouragement, call back, because even when I can't help you, you still deserve that help."

Now that I'm on government benefits, I can see things that tip the political scales and it usually isn't the health and wellbeing of citizens in need. The government decided they didn't like paying out September's money on August 28, because it made the accounting untidy. They switched it to payments on September 1.

This was a terrible move for several reasons, but do you want to know the major thing that made them undo it?

Landlords. These poor widdle landlords, you see, kept having trouble collecting the rent on the 1st of the month, because if there was any difficulty about benefits being paid out, a lot of people only noticed when the money didn't appear in their bank account. They'd have to call their worker and wait three hours on hold to learn what the holdup was, and if it got fixed on the 1st, that money wouldn't get through until the 3rd, so the landlords had to do all the work of writing up and handing out 14-day eviction notices on the same day people paid their rent and rendered the eviction notice null.

And that was so much work for the landlords, because SO many of their tenants were on government benefits, and the conservatives in power didn't want the landlords to feel all stressed and sad and do lots of work for no reason, did they?

So they changed it to five days before the end of the month, not because they finally remembered compassion, but because they were screwing with a class of people so large, it made a serious dent in the economic prosperity of the rich.

Help doesn't come easy. Nobody gets as much as they need. Sometimes, our only power is our numbers.