pure vibes babey

oh my god god god god god my dad just tried to complain about me wearing earrings with ghosts on them because they're "not very festive" so i said Well Actually ghosts are very appropriate for christmastime and he said tell you what if you can show me a single christmas themed thing that has ghosts in it i won't say another word about your fashion choices this entire holiday. i Promise. so i got him to lean in realllllll close as i opened up the browser app on my phone and slowly began to type "A CHRISTMAS CAROL" while the blood rapidly drained from his face.

Look, if you're starving in a post-apocalyptic wasteland and suddenly someone is like 'oh I have tons of food and it just happens to be meat do you want some lol' you CANNOT act surprised when it's people. You simply CANNOT.

There are times and places where it is realistic to expect NOT to be served people. For example, in a pie shop underneath a barber shop. THEN you can be all 'OH GOD IT'S PEOPLE.'

If you are in a post-apocalyptic wasteland and are suddenly served a really good meat pie, you have to know it's people. Do you see any cows? No, they all apocalypsed. It's your neighbor.

If you're served food in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, ask yourself these questions first:

5. how much did i even like kevin, really

Happy Saint Nicholas Day

mom was describing a tattoo a girl once took her to a back bedroom to show her, which was a fishing pole low on her pelvis with a line and hook that descended into her bush where a small clownfish hid amongst the hair. and that’s just. that’s a goal. and the ultimate freedom from obligation, like “gah I would shave but it would ruin my very good joke, what are you gonna do, I gotta make sure there’s foliage for my little clownfish to hide in”

then mom finished telling me this and looked off for a moment. “my god,” she said. “she was flirting with me. fuck. goddamn it.” 

She's going to use every hair of dem ears to continue to not listen to you.

guys do not type 32 x 25 into a calculator its so fucking scary

oh nooo

Told my coworkers that I typically celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve as opposed to Christmas Morning and I am now an honorary Mexican Roman Catholic. Apparently most of Latin America celebrates on Christmas Eve, which I didn't know.

So, a poll for those who partake:

What do you mean by “celebrate Christmas”?

I assume they mean having the big family get together with big dinner and exchange of gifts. Not Mass.

We did both growing up. Some gifts are from Santa and some are from family.

the ocd/autistic experience of "you have made a social blunder. no one is upset about it. you will need a minimum of two days to recover."

always blows my mind as a european when people talk about states like “yeah theres nothing in ohio/montana/wyoming/etc” because i look at a map like but. but theyre so big. every state could qualify as its own country what do you mean theres nothing there. and then i ask people from those states and theyre like “yeah theres nothing here” what do you mean theres nothing there!!!

What’s in the steppes of Russia, or the northern forests of Scandinavia? What’s in the Sahara desert?

id like us to sit here and identify some key differences between the sahara desert and ohio for a moment

as a former Ohio resident I think that the key difference is that the sahara probably has more jobs unrelated to meth

untapped meth market in the depths of the sahara desert

Damn they were all about the glitter 30 years ago huh?

30?

Idk 32 or something I stopped counting

i wish you could add custom reactions on tumblr. i want to give my mutuals a dandelion like this whenever i like their posts

youre welcome kind stranger and i need you to know ambivaient on twitch made the emote. i adore the emote so much

hi im back my boyfriend made a evil version

Had a dream of a comic like this

Oh my god this person found a leopard slug with its eyestalks fused together??? One super long stalk but it still has two eyes on the end. That's the cutest thing in the entire world. And then it had a ton of babies but JUST ONE baby inherited the mutation!!