TH E LIF E OF

TE RE SA OF J E SUS
T h e Au tobiograph y of
T eresa of Ávila

TRANSLATE D & E DITE D BY

E . ALLISON P E E RS

F ROM TH E CRITICAL E DITION OF

P . SILVE RIO DE SANTA TE RE SA, C. D.

Sca n n ed by H a r r y P la n t in ga , pla n t in [email protected] t .edu , 1995

Th is elect r on ic t ext is in t h e pu blic dom a in
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To t h e Gr a ciou s Mem or y of
P . E DMUND G URDON
S om etim e Prior of th e
Carth u sian M on astery of M iraflores
A m a n of God
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THE LIF E OF THE HOLY MOTHER TERES A OF

J ES U S

CHAP TER I
Describes h ow th e L ord began to aw ak en h er sou l in ch ild h ood to a love
of virtu e an d w h at a h elp it is in th is respect to h ave good paren ts.

If I h a d n ot been so wicked it wou ld h a ve been a h elp t o m e t h a t I h a d pa r en t s wh o

wer e vir t u ou s a n d fea r ed God, a n d a lso t h a t t h e Lor d gr a n t ed m e H is fa vou r t o
m a ke m e good. My fa t h er 59 wa s fon d of r ea din g good books a n d h a d som e in
Spa n ish so t h a t h is ch ildr en m igh t r ea d t h em t oo. Th ese books, t oget h er wit h t h e
ca r e wh ich m y m ot h er t ook t o m a ke u s sa y ou r pr a yer s a n d t o lea d u s t o be devot ed
t o Ou r La dy a n d t o cer t a in sa in t s, bega n t o a wa ken good desir es in m e wh en I wa s,
I su ppose, a bou t six or seven yea r s old. It wa s a h elp t o m e t h a t I n ever sa w m y
pa r en t s in clin ed t o a n yt h in g bu t vir t u e. Th ey t h em selves h a d m a n y vir t u es. My
fa t h er wa s a m a n of gr ea t ch a r it y t owa r ds t h e poor , wh o wa s good t o t h e sick a n d
a lso t o h is ser va n t s -- so m u ch so t h a t h e cou ld n ever be br ou gh t t o keep sla ves,
beca u se of h is com pa ssion for t h em . On on e occa sion , wh en h e h a d a sla ve of a
br ot h er of h is in t h e h ou se,60 h e wa s a s good t o h er a s t o h is own ch ildr en . H e u sed
t o sa y t h a t it ca u sed h im in t oler a ble dist r ess t h a t sh e wa s n ot fr ee. H e wa s st r ict ly
t r u t h fu l: n obody ever h ea r d h im swea r or spea k evil. H e wa s a m a n of t h e m ost r igid
ch a st it y.
My m ot h er , t oo, wa s a ver y vir t u ou s wom a n , wh o en du r ed a life of gr ea t in fir m it y:
sh e wa s a lso pa r t icu la r ly ch a st e. Th ou gh ext r em ely bea u t ifu l, sh e wa s n ever kn own
t o give a n y r ea son for su pposin g t h a t sh e m a de t h e sligh t est a ccou n t of h er bea u t y;
a n d, t h ou gh sh e died a t t h ir t y-t h r ee, h er dr ess wa s a lr ea dy t h a t of a per son
a dva n ced in yea r s. Sh e wa s a ver y t r a n qu il wom a n , of gr ea t in t elligen ce.
Th r ou gh ou t h er life sh e en du r ed gr ea t t r ia ls a n d h er dea t h wa s m ost Ch r ist ia n .61
We wer e t h r ee sist er s a n d n in e br ot h er s: a ll of t h em , by t h e goodn ess of God,
r esem bled t h eir pa r en t s in vir t u e, except m yself, t h ou gh I wa s m y fa t h er 's fa vou r it e.
An d, befor e I bega n t o offen d God, I t h in k t h er e wa s som e r ea son for t h is, for it
gr ieves m e wh en ever I r em em ber wh a t good in clin a t ion s t h e Lor d h a d given m e a n d
h ow lit t le I pr ofit ed by t h em . My br ot h er s a n d sist er s n ever h in der ed m e fr om
ser vin g God in a n y wa y.

59 St . Ter esa 's fa t h er , Don Alon so Sá n ch ez de Cepeda , wa s t wice m a r r ied. By h is fir st wife h e h a d
t h r ee ch ildr en ; by h is secon d, Doñ a Bea t r iz Dá vila y Ah u m a da , n in e. Of t h ese n in e, Rodr igo a n d
Ter esa wer e r espect ively t h e secon d a n d t h e t h ir d, wh it e Lor en zo, fa t h er of t h e Ter esa wh o copied
t h e L ife (p. 62) wa s t h e fou r t h . Bot h pa r en t s wer e well descen ded a n d t h e fa m ily wa s in com for t a ble
cir cu m st a n ces, t h ou gh n ot wea lt h y.
60 At t h is t im e well-t o-do fa m ilies in Spa in oft en kept a s sla ves Moor s wh ose fa m ilies h a d r em a in ed
in t h e cou n t r y a ft er t h e Re-con qu est .
61 Doñ a Bea t r iz h a d m a r r ied a t fou r t een , h a vin g been bor n in 1495, a n d died in 1528.
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I h a d on e br ot h er a lm ost of m y own a ge. 62 It wa s h e wh om I m ost loved, t h ou gh I

h a d a gr ea t a ffect ion for t h em a ll, a s h a d t h ey for m e. We u sed t o r ea d t h e lives of
sa in t s t oget h er ; a n d, wh en I r ea d of t h e m a r t yr dom s su ffer ed by sa in t ly wom en for
God's sa ke, I u sed t o t h in k t h ey h a d pu r ch a sed t h e fr u it ion of God ver y ch ea ply; a n d
I h a d a keen desir e t o die a s t h ey h a d don e, n ot ou t of a n y love for God of wh ich I
wa s con sciou s, bu t in or der t o a t t a in a s qu ickly a s possible t o t h e fr u it ion of t h e
gr ea t blessin gs wh ich , a s I r ea d, wer e la id u p in H ea ven . I u sed t o discu ss wit h t h is
br ot h er of m in e h ow we cou ld becom e m a r t yr s. We a gr eed t o go off t o t h e cou n t r y of
t h e Moor s, beggin g ou r br ea d for t h e love of God, so t h a t t h ey m igh t beh ea d u s
t h er e; a n d, even a t so t en der a n a ge, I believe t h e Lor d h a d given u s su fficien t
cou r a ge for t h is, if we cou ld h a ve fou n d a wa y t o do it ; bu t ou r gr ea t est h in dr a n ce
seem ed t o be t h a t we h a d a fa t h er a n d a m ot h er . 63 It u sed t o ca u se u s gr ea t
a st on ish m en t wh en we wer e t old t h a t bot h pa in a n d glor y wou ld la st for ever . We
wou ld spen d lon g per iods t a lkin g a bou t t h is a n d we liked t o r epea t a ga in a n d a ga in ,
"F or ever -- ever -- ever !" Th r ou gh ou r fr equ en t r epet it ion of t h ese wor ds, it plea sed
t h e Lor d t h a t in m y ea r liest yea r s I sh ou ld r eceive a la st in g im pr ession of t h e wa y of
truth.
Wh en I sa w t h a t it wa s im possible for m e t o go t o a n y pla ce wh er e t h ey wou ld pu t
m e t o dea t h for God's sa ke, we decided t o becom e h er m it s, a n d we u sed t o bu ild
h er m it a ges, a s well a s we cou ld, in a n or ch a r d wh ich we h a d a t h om e. We wou ld
m a ke h ea ps of sm a ll st on es, bu t t h ey a t on ce fell down a ga in , so we fou n d n o wa y of
a ccom plish in g ou r desir es. Bu t even n ow it gives m e a feelin g of devot ion t o
r em em ber h ow ea r ly God gr a n t ed m e wh a t I lost by m y own fa u lt .
I ga ve a lm s a s I cou ld, wh ich wa s bu t lit t le. I t r ied t o be a lon e wh en I sa id m y
pr a yer s, a n d t h er e wer e m a n y su ch , in pa r t icu la r t h e r osa r y, t o wh ich m y m ot h er
h a d a gr ea t devot ion , a n d t h is m a de u s devot ed t o t h em t oo. Wh en ever I pla yed wit h
ot h er lit t le gir ls, I u sed t o love bu ildin g con ven t s a n d pr et en din g t h a t we wer e n u n s;
a n d I t h in k I wa n t ed t o be a n u n , t h ou gh n ot so m u ch a s t h e ot h er t h in gs I h a ve
descr ibed.
I r em em ber t h a t , wh en m y m ot h er died, I wa s t welve yea r s of a ge or a lit t le less.64
Wh en I bega n t o r ea lize wh a t I h a d lost , I wen t in m y dist r ess t o a n im a ge of Ou r
La dy 65 a n d wit h m a n y t ea r s besou gh t h er t o be a m ot h er t o m e. Th ou gh I did t h is in
m y sim plicit y, I believe it wa s of som e a va il t o m e; for wh en ever I h a ve com m en ded
m yself t o t h is Sover eign Vir gin I h a ve been con sciou s of h er a id; a n d even t u a lly sh e
h a s br ou gh t m e ba ck t o h er self. It gr ieves m e n ow wh en I obser ve a n d r eflect h ow I
did n ot keep sin cer ely t o t h e good desir es wh ich I h a d begu n .

62 Th e r efer en ce is a lm ost cer t a in ly t o Rodr igo, wh o wa s fou r yea r s h er sen ior . H e em igr a t ed t o
Am er ica in 1535 a n d died t wo yea r s la t er figh t in g t h e In dia n s on t h e ba n ks of t h e Rio de la P la t a . On
t h e in ciden t in t h e t ext , see Yepes, Bk. I, Ch a p. II.
63 Riber a (Bk. I, Ch a p. IV) descr ibes t h e a t t em pt a s h a vin g a ct u a lly been m a de. Th e ch ildr en left
Ávila a n d "wen t on over t h e br idge, u n t il t h ey wer e m et by a n u n cle wh o t ook t h em ba ck h om e t o
t h eir m ot h er , gr ea t ly t o h er r elief, for sh e h a d been h a vin g t h em sea r ch ed for ever ywh er e wit h gr ea t
a n xiet y".
64 Act u a lly, a s we h a ve seen , sh e wa s t h ir t een . Doñ a Bea t r iz m a de h er will, sh or t ly befor e h er dea t h ,
on Novem ber 24, 1528.
65 Tr a dit ion h a s it t h a t t h e im a ge wa s on e wh ich is n ow in Ávila Ca t h edr a l, a n d t h a t Ter esa a n d
Rodr igo a lso com m en ded t h em selves t o t h is Vir gin befor e set t in g ou t t o be m a r t yr ed. Yea r ly, on
Oct ober 15, a cer em on y com m em or a t in g t h e even t descr ibed in t h e t ext t a kes pla ce in Ávila .
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O m y Lor d, sin ce it seem s Th ou a r t det er m in ed on m y sa lva t ion -- a n d m a y it plea se

Th y Ma jest y t o sa ve m e! -- a n d on gr a n t in g m e a ll t h e gr a ces Th ou h a st best owed on
m e a lr ea dy, wh y h a s it n ot seem ed well t o Th ee, n ot for m y a dva n t a ge bu t for Th y
h on ou r , t h a t t h is h a bit a t ion wh er ein Th ou h a st h a d con t in u a lly t o dwell sh ou ld n ot
h a ve becom e so gr ea t ly defiled? It gr ieves m e, Lor d, even t o sa y t h is, sin ce I kn ow
t h a t t h e fa u lt h a s been m in e a lon e, for I believe t h er e is n ot h in g m or e Th ou cou ldst
h a ve don e, even fr om t h is ea r ly a ge, t o m a ke m e wh olly Th in e. Nor , if I sh ou ld feel
in clin ed t o com pla in of m y pa r en t s, cou ld I do so, for I sa w n ot h in g in t h em bu t
ever y kin d of good a n d a n xiet y for m y welfa r e. Bu t a s I cea sed t o be a ch ild a n d
bega n t o becom e a wa r e of t h e n a t u r a l gr a ces wh ich t h e Lor d h a d given m e, a n d
wh ich wer e sa id t o be m a n y, in st ea d of givin g H im t h a n ks for t h em , a s I sh ou ld, I
st a r t ed t o m a ke u se of t h em t o offen d H im . Th is I sh a ll n ow expla in .

CHAP TER II
Describes h ow th ese virtu es w ere grad u ally lost an d h ow im portan t it is
in ch ild h ood to associate w ith people of virtu e.

Wh a t I sh a ll n ow descr ibe wa s, I t h in k som et h in g wh ich bega n t o do m e gr ea t h a r m .

I som et im es r eflect h ow wr on g it is of pa r en t s n ot t o con t r ive t h a t t h eir ch ildr en
sh a ll a lwa ys, a n d in ever y wa y, see t h in gs wh ich a r e good. My m ot h er , a s I h a ve
sa id, wa s ver y good h er self, bu t , wh en I ca m e t o t h e a ge of r ea son , I copied h er
goodn ess ver y lit t le, in fa ct h a r dly a t a ll, a n d evil t h in gs did m e a gr ea t dea l of
h a r m . Sh e wa s fon d of books of ch iva lr y; a n d t h is pa st im e h a d n ot t h e ill effect s on
h er t h a t is h a d on m e, beca u se sh e n ever a llowed t h em t o in t er fer e wit h h er wor k.
Bu t we wer e a lwa ys t r yin g t o m a ke t im e t o r ea d t h em ; a n d sh e per m it t ed t h is,
per h a ps in or der t o st op h er self fr om t h in kin g of t h e gr ea t t r ia ls sh e su ffer ed, a n d t o
keep h er ch ildr en occu pied so t h a t in ot h er r espect s t h ey sh ou ld n ot go a st r a y. Th is
a n n oyed m y fa t h er so m u ch t h a t we h a d t o be ca r efu l lest h e sh ou ld see u s r ea din g
t h ese books. F or m yself, I bega n t o m a ke a h a bit of it , a n d t h is lit t le fa u lt wh ich I
sa w in m y m ot h er bega n t o cool m y good desir es a n d lea d m e t o ot h er kin ds of
wr on gdoin g. I t h ou gh t t h er e wa s n ot h in g wr on g in m y wa st in g m a n y h ou r s, by da y
a n d by n igh t , in t h is u seless occu pa t ion , even t h ou gh I h a d t o h ide it fr om m y
fa t h er . So excessively wa s I a bsor bed in it t h a t I believe, u n less I h a d a n ew book, I
wa s n ever h a ppy.
I bega n t o deck m yself ou t a n d t o t r y t o a t t r a ct ot h er s by m y a ppea r a n ce, t a kin g
gr ea t t r ou ble wit h m y h a n ds a n d h a ir , u sin g per fu m es a n d a ll t h e va n it ies I cou ld
get -- a n d t h er e wer e a good m a n y of t h em , for I wa s ver y fa st idiou s. Th er e wa s
n ot h in g wr on g wit h m y in t en t ion s, for I sh ou ld n ever h a ve wa n t ed a n yon e t o offen d
God beca u se of m e. Th is gr ea t a n d excessive fa st idiou sn ess a bou t per son a l
a ppea r a n ce, t oget h er wit h ot h er pr a ct ices wh ich I t h ou gh t wer e in n o wa y sin fu l,
la st ed for m a n y yea r s: I see n ow h ow wr on g t h ey m u st h a ve been . I h a d som e
cou sin s, wh o wer e t h e on ly people a llowed t o en t er m y fa t h er 's h ou se:66 h e wa s ver y
ca r efu l a bou t t h is a n d I wish t o God t h a t h e h a d been ca r efu l a bou t m y cou sin s t oo.
F or I n ow see t h e da n ger of in t er cou r se, a t a n a ge wh en t h e vir t u es sh ou ld be

66 Don Alon so's br ot h er , Don F r a n cisco, h a d a h ou se n ea r h is own , in t h e P la zu ela de Sa n t o Dom in go,

wh er e t h e seven t een t h -cen t u r y Disca lced Ca r m elit e m on a st er y n ow st a n ds. Th e cou sin s r efer r ed t o
wer e n o dou bt Don F r a n cisco's ch ildr en : h e h a d a t lea st fou r son s, a s well a s sever a l da u gh t er s.
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begin n in g t o gr ow, wit h per son s wh o, t h ou gh ign or a n t of wor ldly va n it y, a r ou se a

desir e for t h e wor ld in ot h er s. Th ese cou sin s wer e a lm ost exa ct ly of m y own a ge or a
lit t le older t h a n I. We a lwa ys wen t a bou t t oget h er ; t h ey wer e ver y fon d of m e; a n d I
wou ld keep ou r con ver sa t ion on t h in gs t h a t a m u sed t h em a n d list en t o t h e st or ies
t h ey t old a bou t t h eir ch ildish esca pa des a n d cr a zes, wh ich wer e a n yt h in g bu t
edifyin g. Wh a t wa s wor se, m y sou l bega n t o in clin e t o t h e t h in g t h a t wa s t h e ca u se
of a ll it s t r ou ble.
If I h a d t o a dvise pa r en t s, I sh ou ld t ell t h em t o t a ke gr ea t ca r e a bou t t h e people
wit h wh om t h eir ch ildr en a ssocia t e a t su ch a n a ge. Mu ch h a r m m a y r esu lt fr om ba d
com pa n y a n d we a r e in clin ed by n a t u r e t o follow wh a t is wor se r a t h er t h a n wh a t is
bet t er . Th is wa s t h e ca se wit h m e: I h a d a sist er m u ch older t h a n m yself,67 fr om
wh om , t h ou gh sh e wa s ver y good a n d ch a st e, I lea r n ed n ot h in g, wh er ea s fr om a
r ela t ive wh om we oft en h a d in t h e h ou se I lea r n ed ever y kin d of evil. Th is per son
wa s so fr ivolou s in h er con ver sa t ion t h a t m y m ot h er h a d t r ied ver y h a r d t o pr even t
h er fr om com in g t o t h e h ou se, r ea lizin g wh a t h a r m sh e m igh t do m e, bu t t h er e wer e
so m a n y r ea son s for h er com in g t h a t sh e wa s power less. I beca m e ver y fon d of
m eet in g t h is wom a n . I t a lked a n d gossiped wit h h er fr equ en t ly; sh e join ed m e in a ll
m y fa vou r it e pa st im es; a n d sh e a lso in t r odu ced m e t o ot h er pa st im es a n d t a lked t o
m e a bou t a ll h er con ver sa t ion s a n d va n it ies. Un t il I kn ew h er (t h is wa s wh en I wa s
a bou t fou r t een or per h a ps m or e: by kn owin g h er I m ea n becom in g fr ien dly wit h h er
a n d r eceivin g h er con fiden ces) I do n ot t h in k I h a d ever for sa ken God by com m it t in g
a n y m or t a l sin , or lost m y fea r of God, t h ou gh I wa s m u ch m or e con cer n ed a bou t m y
h on ou r . 68 Th is la st fea r wa s st r on g en ou gh t o pr even t m e fr om for feit in g m y h on ou r
a lt oget h er , a n d I ca n n ot t h in k t h a t I wou ld h a ve a ct ed differ en t ly a bou t t h is for
a n yt h in g in t h e wor ld; n or wa s t h er e a n yon e in t h e wor ld wh om I loved en ou gh t o
for feit m y h on ou r for . So I m igh t h a ve h a d t h e st r en gt h n ot t o sin a ga in st t h e
h on ou r of God, a s m y n a t u r a l in clin a t ion led m e n ot t o go a st r a y in a n yt h in g wh ich I
t h ou gh t con cer n ed wor ldly h on ou r , a n d I did n ot r ea lize t h a t I wa s for feit in g m y
h on ou r in m a n y ot h er wa ys.
I wen t t o gr ea t ext r em es in m y va in a n xiet y a bou t t h is, t h ou gh I t ook n ot t h e
sligh t est t r ou ble a bou t wh a t I m u st do t o live a t r u ly h on ou r a ble life. All t h a t I wa s
ser iou sly con cer n ed a bou t wa s t h a t I sh ou ld n ot be lost a lt oget h er . My fa t h er a n d
sist er wer e ver y sor r y a bou t t h is fr ien dsh ip of m in e a n d oft en r epr oved m e for it .
Bu t , a s t h ey cou ld n ot pr even t m y fr ien d fr om com in g t o t h e h ou se, t h eir effor t s
wer e of n o a va il, for wh en it ca m e t o doin g a n yt h in g wr on g I wa s ver y clever . I a m
som et im es a st on ish ed a t t h e h a r m wh ich ca n be ca u sed by ba d com pa n y; if I h a d n ot
exper ien ced it I cou ld n ot believe it . Th is is especia lly so wh en on e is you n g, for it is
t h en t h a t t h e evil don e is gr ea t est . I wish pa r en t s wou ld be wa r n ed by m e a n d
con sider t h is ver y ca r efu lly. Th e r esu lt of m y in t er cou r se wit h t h is wom a n wa s t o
ch a n ge m e so m u ch t h a t I lost n ea r ly a ll m y sou l's n a t u r a l in clin a t ion t o vir t u e, a n d
wa s gr ea t ly in flu en ced by h er , a n d by a n ot h er per son wh o in du lged in t h e sa m e
kin ds of pa st im e.
F r om t h is I h a ve lea r n ed wh a t gr ea t a dva n t a ge com es fr om good com pa n ion sh ip;
a n d I a m su r e t h a t if a t t h a t a ge I h a d been fr ien dly wit h good people I sh ou ld h a ve
r em a in ed sou n d in vir t u e. F or , if a t t h a t t im e I h a d h a d a n yon e t o t ea ch m e t o fea r

67 Th is wa s h er h a lf-sist er , Doñ a Ma r ía , h er fa t h er 's on ly da u gh t er by h is fir st wife.

68 [Th e wor d h on ra, wh ich St . Ter esa u ses in va r iou s sen ses -- good, ba d a n d n eu t r a l -- I oft en r en der
"r epu t a t ion " or "good n a m e", bu t in t h is con t ext -- i.e., of a gir l of St . Ter esa 's a ge, livin g in t h e Spa in
of h er da y -- t h e t r a n sla t ion "h on ou r " does n ot seem t oo st r on g: in deed, t h e con t r a st wh ich sh e m a kes
bet ween t h e t wo kin ds of h on ra a lm ost n ecessit a t es it .]
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God, m y sou l wou ld h a ve gr own st r on g en ou gh n ot t o fa ll. La t er , wh en t h e fea r of

God h a d en t ir ely left m e, I r et a in ed on ly t h is con cer n a bou t m y h on ou r , wh ich wa s a
t or t u r e t o m e in ever yt h in g t h a t I did. Wh en I t h ou gh t t h a t n obody wou ld ever
kn ow, I wa s r a sh en ou gh t o do m a n y t h in gs wh ich wer e a n offen ce bot h t o m y
h on ou r a n d t o God.
At fir st , I believe, t h ese t h in gs did m e h a r m . Th e fa u lt , I t h in k, wa s n ot m y fr ien d's
bu t m y own . F or su bsequ en t ly m y own wickedn ess su fficed t o lea d m e in t o sin ,
t oget h er wit h t h e ser va n t s we h a d, wh om I fou n d qu it e r ea dy t o en cou r a ge m e in a ll
kin ds of wr on gdoin g. P er h a ps, if a n y of t h em h a d given m e good a dvice, I m igh t
h a ve pr ofit ed by it ; bu t t h ey wer e a s m u ch blin ded by t h eir own in t er est s a s I wa s
by desir e. An d yet I n ever felt t h e in clin a t ion t o do m u ch t h a t wa s wr on g, for I h a d a
n a t u r a l det est a t ion of ever yt h in g im m odest a n d pr efer r ed pa ssin g t h e t im e in good
com pa n y. Bu t , if a n occa sion of sin pr esen t ed it self, t h e da n ger wou ld be a t h a n d
a n d I sh ou ld be exposin g m y fa t h er a n d br ot h er s t o it . F r om a ll t h is God deliver ed
m e, in su ch a wa y t h a t , even a ga in st m y own will, H e seem s t o h a ve con t r ived t h a t I
sh ou ld n ot be lost , t h ou gh t h is wa s n ot t o com e a bou t so secr et ly a s t o pr even t m e
fr om gr a vely da m a gin g m y r epu t a t ion a n d a r ou sin g su spicion s in m y fa t h er . I cou ld
h a r dly h a ve been followin g t h ese va n it ies for t h r ee m on t h s wh en I wa s t a ken t o a
con ven t in t h e pla ce wh er e I lived,69 in wh ich ch ildr en like m yself, t h ou gh less
depr a ved in t h eir h a bit s t h a n I, wer e bein g edu ca t ed. Th e r ea son for t h is wa s so
ca r efu lly con cea led t h a t on ly on e or t wo of m y r ela t ives a n d m yself wer e a wa r e of it .
Th ey h a d wa it ed for a n occa sion t o a r ise n a t u r a lly; a n d n ow, a s m y sist er h a d
m a r r ied, a n d I h a d n o m ot h er , I sh ou ld h a ve been a lon e in t h e h ou se if I h a d n ot
gon e t h er e, wh ich wou ld n ot h a ve been fit t in g.
So excessive wa s m y fa t h er 's love for m e, a n d so com plet e wa s t h e decept ion wh ich I
pr a ct ised on h im , t h a t h e cou ld n ever believe a ll t h e ill of m e t h a t I deser ved a n d
t h u s I n ever fell in t o disgr a ce wit h h im . It h a d n ot been goin g on for lon g; a n d,
a lt h ou gh t h ey h a d som e idea of wh a t I h a d been doin g, n ot h in g cou ld h a ve been sa id
a bou t it wit h a n y cer t a in t y. As I h a d su ch con cer n for m y good n a m e,70 I h a d m a de
t h e gr ea t est effor t s t o keep it a ll secr et , a n d I h a d n ot con sider ed t h a t it cou ld n ot be
kept secr et fr om H im Wh o sees a ll t h in gs. O m y God, wh a t h a r m is don e in t h e
wor ld by for get fu ln ess of t h is a n d by t h e belief t h a t a n yt h in g ca n be kept secr et
wh ich is don e a ga in st Th ee! I a m su r e t h a t m u ch wr on gdoin g wou ld be a voided if we
r ea lized t h a t ou r bu sin ess is t o be on ou r gu a r d, n ot a ga in st m en , bu t a ga in st
displea sin g Th ee.
F or t h e fir st week I su ffer ed a gr ea t dea l, t h ou gh n ot so m u ch fr om bein g in a
con ven t a s fr om t h e su spicion t h a t ever yon e kn ew a bou t m y va n it y. F or I h a d
a lr ea dy becom e t ir ed of t h e life I h a d been lea din g; a n d even wh en I offen ded God I
n ever cea sed t o be sor ely a fr a id of H im a n d I t r ied t o m a ke m y con fession s a s soon
a s possible a ft er fa llin g in t o sin . At fir st I wa s ver y r est less; bu t wit h in a week,
per h a ps even ea r lier , I wa s m u ch h a ppier t h a n I h a d been in m y fa t h er 's h ou se. All
t h e n u n s wer e plea sed wit h m e; for t h e Lor d h a d given m e gr a ce, wh er ever I wa s, t o
plea se people, a n d so I beca m e a gr ea t fa vou r it e. Alt h ou gh a t t h a t t im e I h a d t h e
gr ea t est possible a ver sion fr om bein g a n u n , I wa s ver y plea sed t o see n u n s wh o
wer e so good; for in t h a t h ou se t h ey wer e a ll ver y good -- com plet ely bla m eless in
t h eir lives, devot ed t o t h eir Ru le a n d pr u den t in t h eir beh a viou r . Yet in spit e of t h is

69 Th is wa s t h e Au gu st in ia n con ven t of Ou r La dy of Gr a ce, a fou n da t ion som e t wen t y yea r s old

sit u a t ed ou t side t h e cit y wa lls, wh ich t ook gir ls fr om good fa m ilies a s boa r der s.
70 [H on ra.]
 39

t h e devil did n ot cea se t em pt in g m e a n d m y fr ien ds ou t side t r ied t o u n set t le m e by

sen din g m e m essa ges. As t h a t wa s n ot a llowed, it soon ca m e t o a n en d, a n d m y sou l
t h en bega n t o r et u r n t o t h e good h a bit s of m y ea r lier ch ildh ood a n d I r ea lized wh a t
a gr ea t fa vou r God does t o t h ose wh om H e pla ces in t h e com pa n y of good people. It
seem s a s if H is Ma jest y wa s t r yin g a n d t r yin g a ga in t o fin d a wa y of br in gin g m e
ba ck t o H im self. Blessed be Th ou , Lor d, Wh o for so lon g h a st su ffer ed m e! Am en .
If m y fa u lt s h a d n ot been so n u m er ou s, t h er e is on e t h in g wh ich I t h in k m igh t h a ve
ser ved a s a n excu se for t h em : t h a t m y in t im a cy wit h t h is per son wa s of su ch a kin d
t h a t I t h ou gh t it m igh t en d sa t isfa ct or ily on h er m a r r ia ge;71 a n d bot h m y con fessor
a n d ot h er per son s t old m e t h a t in m a n y r espect s I wa s n ot offen din g God. Th er e wa s
a n u n wh o slept wit h t h ose of u s wh o wer e secu la r s a n d it wa s t h r ou gh h er t h a t t h e
Lor d seem s t o h a ve been plea sed t o begin t o give m e ligh t , a s I sh a ll n ow expla in .

CHAP TER III

Describes h ow good com pan ion sh ip h elped to aw ak en d esires in h er an d
th e w ay in w h ich th e L ord began to give h er ligh t con cern in g th e
d elu sion u n d er w h ich sh e h ad been su fferin g.

As I bega n t o en joy t h e good a n d h oly con ver sa t ion of t h is n u n , I gr ew t o deligh t in

list en in g t o h er , for sh e spoke well a bou t God a n d wa s ver y discr eet a n d h oly. Th er e
wa s n ever a t im e, I t h in k, wh en I did n ot deligh t in list en in g t o h er wor ds. Sh e
bega n t o t ell m e h ow sh e h a d com e t o be a n u n t h r ou gh m er ely r ea din g t h ose wor ds
in t h e Gospel: Ma n y a r e ca lled bu t few ch osen . 72 Sh e u sed t o descr ibe t o m e t h e
r ewa r d wh ich t h e Lor d gives t o t h ose wh o lea ve ever yt h in g for H is sa ke. Th is good
com pa n ion sh ip bega n t o er a dica t e t h e h a bit s wh ich ba d com pa n ion sh ip h a d for m ed
in m e, t o br in g ba ck m y t h ou gh t s t o desir es for et er n a l t h in gs, a n d t o r em ove som e
of t h e gr ea t dislike wh ich I h a d for bein g a n u n , a n d wh ich h a d becom e deeply
en gr a in ed in m e. If I sa w a n yon e weepin g a s sh e pr a yed, or givin g eviden ce of a n y
ot h er vir t u es, I n ow gr ea t ly en vied h er ; for m y h ea r t wa s so h a r d in t h is r espect
t h a t , even if I r ea d t h e en t ir e n a r r a t ive of t h e P a ssion , I cou ld n ot sh ed a t ea r ; a n d
t h is dist r essed m e.
I r em a in ed in t h is con ven t for a yea r a n d a h a lf, a n d wa s m u ch t h e bet t er for it . I
bega n t o sa y a gr ea t m a n y voca l pr a yer s a n d t o get a ll t h e n u n s t o com m en d m e t o
God a n d pr a y t h a t H e wou ld br in g m e t o t h e st a t e in wh ich I wa s t o ser ve H im . Bu t
I wa s st ill a n xiou s n ot t o be a n u n , for God h a d n ot a s yet been plea sed t o give m e
t h is desir e, a lt h ou gh I wa s a lso a fr a id of m a r r ia ge. By t h e en d of m y t im e t h er e, I

71 [St . Ter esa 's r efer en ce t o t h is in t im a cy is so delica t ely va gu e t h a t it is difficu lt for t h e t r a n sla t or
n ot t o expr ess m or e t h a n sh e a ct u a lly sa ys. Th e in t er pr et a t ion h er e given t o h er wor ds I h a ve decided
u pon a ft er som e h esit a t ion . Dissen t in g r ea der s m a y ch oose bet ween P . Gr égoir e's "Il s'a gissa it de
r ela t ion s qu i sem bla ien t pou voir a bou t ir à u n e a llia n ce h on or a ble pou r m oi", a n d Lewis's "Th e
con ver sa t ion I sh a r ed in wa s wit h on e wh o, I t h ou gh t , wou ld do well in t h e est a t e of m a t r im on y", t h e
edit or 's foot n ot e in fer r in g t h a t St . Ter esa h a d "list en ed on ly t o t h e st or y of h er cou sin 's in t en ded
m a r r ia ge". In defa u lt of ot h er in for m a t ion I t a ke t h e m ea n in g t o be t h a t , a s t h is wom a n wa s of
m a r r ia gea ble (i.e., m a t u r e) a ge, t h e wr it er a ssu m ed t h a t sh e wou ld soon m a r r y a n d t h eir in t im a cy
wou ld com e t o a n en d: a ll wou ld t h en be well t h a t en ded well. Th is seem s a m u ch m or e n a t u r a l
in t er pr et a t ion t h a n on e wh ich r epr esen t s St . Ter esa a s pr edict in g h er own m a r r ia ge.]
72 St . Ma t t h ew xx, 16.
 40

wa s m u ch m or e r econ ciled t o bein g a n u n -- t h ou gh n ot in t h a t h ou se, beca u se of t h e

ver y vir t u ou s pr a ct ices wh ich I h a d com e t o h ea r t h a t t h ey obser ved a n d wh ich
seem ed t o m e a lt oget h er excessive. Th er e wer e a few of t h e you n ger on es wh o
en cou r a ged m e in t h is feelin g; if a ll t h e n u n s h a d been of on e opin ion , it wou ld h a ve
been m u ch bet t er for m e. I a lso h a d a close fr ien d in a n ot h er con ven t ,73 a n d t h is
ga ve m e t h e idea t h a t , if I wa s t o be a n u n , I wou ld go on ly t o t h e h ou se wh er e sh e
wa s. I t h ou gh t m or e a bou t plea su r es of sen se a n d va n it y t h a n of m y sou l's pr ofit .
Th ese good t h ou gh t s a bou t bein g a n u n ca m e t o m e fr om t im e t o t im e bu t t h ey soon
left m e a n d I cou ld n ot per su a de m yself t o becom e on e.
At t h is t im e, t h ou gh I wa s n ot ca r eless a bou t m y own im pr ovem en t , t h e Lor d
beca m e m or e desir ou s of pr epa r in g m e for t h e st a t e of life wh ich wa s best for m e. H e
sen t m e a ser iou s illn ess, wh ich for ced m e t o r et u r n t o m y fa t h er 's h ou se. Wh en I
got bet t er , t h ey t ook m e t o see m y sist er , wh o wa s livin g in a villa ge. 74 Sh e wa s so
fon d of m e t h a t , if sh e h a d h a d h er wa y, I sh ou ld n ever h a ve left h er . H er h u sba n d
wa s a lso ver y fon d of m e -- a t lea st , h e sh owed m e ever y kin dn ess. Th is, t oo, I owe
ch iefly t o t h e Lor d, for I h a ve a lwa ys been well t r ea t ed ever ywh er e, a n d yet t h e on ly
ser vice I h a ve r en der ed H im is t o be wh a t I a m .
On t h e r oa d lea din g t o m y sist er 's lived on e of m y fa t h er 's br ot h er s, 75 a widower ,
wh o wa s a ver y sh r ewd m a n a n d fu ll of vir t u es. H im , t oo, t h e Lor d wa s pr epa r in g
for H im self: in h is old a ge h e ga ve u p a ll t h a t h e h a d a n d beca m e a fr ia r , a n d h e
en ded h is life in su ch a wa y t h a t I believe h e is n ow r ejoicin g in God. H e wa n t ed m e
t o st a y wit h h im for som e da ys. It wa s h is pr a ct ice t o r ea d good books in Spa n ish
a n d h is con ver sa t ion wa s or din a r ily a bou t God a n d t h e va n it y of t h e wor ld. H e m a de
m e r ea d t o h im ; a n d, a lt h ou gh I did n ot m u ch ca r e for h is books, I a ct ed a s t h ou gh I
did; for in t h e m a t t er of plea sin g ot h er s, even wh en I disliked doin g it , I h a ve been
so excessively com pla cen t , t h a t in ot h er s it wou ld h a ve been a vir t u e, t h ou gh in m e
it wa s a gr ea t fa u lt beca u se I wa s oft en ver y in discr eet . O God, in h ow m a n y wa ys
did H is Ma jest y gr a du a lly pr epa r e m e for t h e st a t e in wh ich H e wa s t o be plea sed t o
u se m e! In h ow m a n y wa ys, a ga in st m y own will, did H e con st r a in m e t o exer cise
r est r a in t u pon m yself!76 Ma y H e be blessed for ever . Am en .
Th ou gh I st a yed h er e for on ly a few da ys, su ch wa s t h e im pr ession m a de on m y
h ea r t by t h e wor ds of God, bot h a s r ea d a n d a s h ea r d, a n d t h e excellen ce of m y
u n cle's com pa n y, t h a t I bega n t o u n der st a n d t h e t r u t h , wh ich I h a d lea r n ed a s a
ch ild, t h a t a ll t h in gs a r e n ot h in g, a n d t h a t t h e wor ld is va n it y a n d will soon pa ss
a wa y. I bega n t o fea r t h a t , if I h a d died of m y illn ess, I sh ou ld h a ve gon e t o h ell; a n d
t h ou gh , even t h en , I cou ld n ot in clin e m y will t o bein g a n u n , I sa w t h a t t h is wa s t h e
best a n d sa fest st a t e, a n d so, lit t le by lit t le, I det er m in ed t o for ce m yself t o em br a ce
it .
Th is con flict la st ed for t h r ee m on t h s. I u sed t o t r y t o con vin ce m yself by u sin g t h e
followin g a r gu m en t . Th e t r ia ls a n d dist r esses of bein g a n u n cou ld n ot be gr ea t er
t h a n t h ose of pu r ga t or y a n d I h a d fu lly deser ved t o be in h ell. It wou ld n ot be a
gr ea t m a t t er t o spen d m y life a s t h ou gh I wer e in pu r ga t or y if a ft er wa r ds I wer e t o
go st r a igh t t o H ea ven , wh ich wa s wh a t I desir ed. Th is decision , t h en , t o en t er t h e

73 Doñ a J u a n a Su á r ez, a n u n in t h e Con ven t of t h e In ca r n a t ion a t Ávila , wh er e St . Ter esa a ft er wa r ds

pr ofessed.
74 Doñ a Ma r ía , livin g a t Ca st ella n os de la Ca ñ a da . Cf. n . 80.
75 Cf. n . 81.
76 [L it.: "did H e for ce m e t o exer cise for ce u pon m yself." Th e pla y u pon wor ds ca n n ot be fu lly br ou gh t
ou t by a n y sa t isfa ct or y t r a n sla t ion .]
 41

r eligiou s life seem s t o h a ve been in spir ed by ser vile fea r m or e t h a n by love. Th e

devil su ggest ed t o m e t h a t I cou ld n ot en du r e t h e t r ia ls of t h e r eligiou s life a s I h a d
been so delica t ely br ou gh t u p. Th is su ggest ion I m et by t ellin g h im a bou t t h e t r ia ls
su ffer ed by Ch r ist a n d sa yin g t h a t it wou ld n ot be t oo m u ch for m e t o su ffer a few
for H is sa ke. I m u st h a ve t h ou gh t t h a t H e wou ld h elp m e t o bea r t h em bu t t h a t I
ca n n ot r em em ber . I h a d m a n y t em pt a t ion s in t h ose da ys.
I h a d n ow begu n t o su ffer fr om ser iou s fa in t in g fit s, t oget h er wit h fever ; m y h ea lt h
h a s a lwa ys been poor . Th e fa ct t h a t I h a d n ow becom e fon d of good books ga ve m e
n ew life. I wou ld r ea d t h e epist les of Sa in t J er om e;77 a n d t h ese in spir ed m e wit h
su ch cou r a ge t h a t I det er m in ed t o t ell m y fa t h er of m y decision , wh ich wa s goin g
a lm ost a s fa r a s t a kin g t h e h a bit ; for m y wor d of h on ou r m ea n t so m u ch t o m e t h a t I
dou bt if a n y r ea son wou ld h a ve su fficed t o t u r n m e ba ck fr om a t h in g wh en I h a d
on ce sa id I wou ld do it . H e wa s so fon d of m e t h a t I wa s n ever a ble t o get h is
con sen t , n or did t h e r equ est s of per son s wh om I a sked t o spea k wit h h im a bou t it
su cceed in doin g so. Th e m ost I cou ld obt a in fr om h im wa s per m ission t o do a s I
liked a ft er h is dea t h . As I dist r u st ed m yself a n d t h ou gh t I m igh t t u r n ba ck ou t of
wea kn ess, t h is cou r se seem ed a n u n su it a ble on e. So I a ch ieved m y a im in a n ot h er
wa y, a s I sh a ll n ow expla in .

CHAP TER IV
Describes h ow th e L ord h elped h er to force h erself to tak e th e h abit an d
tells of th e n u m erou s in firm ities w h ich H is M ajesty began to sen d h er.

Du r in g t h is t im e, wh en I wa s con sider in g t h ese r esolu t ion s, I h a d per su a ded on e of

m y br ot h er s, by t a lkin g t o h im a bou t t h e va n it y of t h e wor ld, t o becom e a fr ia r ,78
a n d we a gr eed t o set ou t t oget h er , ver y ea r ly on e m or n in g, for t h e con ven t wh er e
t h a t fr ien d of m in e lived of wh om I wa s so fon d. In m a kin g m y fin a l decision , I h a d
a lr ea dy r esolved t h a t I wou ld go t o a n y ot h er con ven t in wh ich I t h ou gh t I cou ld
ser ve God bet t er or wh ich m y fa t h er m igh t wish m e t o en t er , for by n ow I wa s
con cer n ed ch iefly wit h t h e good of m y sou l a n d ca r ed n ot h in g for m y com for t . I
r em em ber -- a n d I r ea lly believe t h is is t r u e -- t h a t wh en I left m y fa t h er 's h ou se m y
dist r ess wa s so gr ea t t h a t I do n ot t h in k it will be gr ea t er wh en I die. It seem ed t o
m e a s if ever y bon e in m y body wer e bein g wr en ch ed a su n der ; for , a s I h a d n o love of
God t o su bdu e m y love for m y fa t h er a n d kin sfolk, ever yt h in g wa s su ch a st r a in t o
m e t h a t , if t h e Lor d h a d n ot h elped m e, n o r eflect ion s of m y own wou ld h a ve su fficed
t o keep m e t r u e t o m y pu r pose. Bu t t h e Lor d ga ve m e cou r a ge t o figh t a ga in st
m yself a n d so I ca r r ied ou t m y in t en t ion .
Wh en I t ook t h e h a bit , 79 t h e Lor d a t on ce sh owed m e h ow gr ea t a r e H is fa vou r s t o
t h ose wh o u se for ce wit h t h em selves in H is ser vice. No on e r ea lized t h a t I h a d gon e

77 A Spa n ish t r a n sla t ion of t h ese, by J u a n de Molin a , h a d been pu blish ed a t Va len cia , in 1520.
78 H er you n ger br ot h er An t on io, wh o beca m e a Dom in ica n , a n d la t er a H ier on ym it e. Th en ill h ea lt h
com pelled h im t o r et u r n t o t h e wor ld a n d h e died in t h e In dies, in 1546.
79 Th e Con ven t of t h e In ca r n a t ion , Ávila , is sit u a t ed on t h e n or t h side of t h e cit y, ou t side t h e wa lls. It
h a d been fou n ded in 1479, a s a r esiden ce for la dies wh o wer e m em ber s of t h e Th ir d Or der of Ca r m el
bu t la t er it wa s con ver t ed in t o a con ven t wit h t h e t it le of Ou r La dy of t h e In ca r n a t ion . As t o t h e da t e
of h er en t r y in t o t h e Con ven t , t h er e h a s been a gr ea t dea l of dou bt , bu t docu m en t s [pu blish ed by P .
Silver io in h is a ppen dices] a ppea r t o h a ve est a blish ed t h a t sh e t ook t h e h a bit on Novem ber 2, 1536,
 42

t h r ou gh a ll t h is; t h ey a ll t h ou gh t I h a d a ct ed ou t of sh eer desir e. At t h e t im e m y

en t r a n ce in t o t h is n ew life ga ve m e a joy so gr ea t t h a t it h a s n ever fa iled m e even t o
t h is da y, a n d God con ver t ed t h e a r idit y of m y sou l in t o t h e deepest t en der n ess.
E ver yt h in g con n ect ed wit h t h e r eligiou s life ca u sed m e deligh t ; a n d it is a fa ct t h a t
som et im es, wh en I wa s spen din g t im e in sweepin g floor s wh ich I h a d pr eviou sly
spen t on m y own in du lgen ce a n d a dor n m en t , a n d r ea lized t h a t I wa s n ow fr ee fr om
a ll t h ose t h in gs, t h er e ca m e t o m e a n ew joy, wh ich a m a zed m e, for I cou ld n ot
u n der st a n d wh en ce it a r ose. Wh en ever I r eca ll t h is, t h er e is n ot h in g, h owever h a r d,
wh ich I wou ld h esit a t e t o u n der t a ke if it wer e pr oposed t o m e. F or I kn ow n ow, by
exper ien ce of m a n y kin ds, t h a t if I st r en gt h en m y pu r pose by r esolvin g t o do a t h in g
for God's sa ke a lon e, it is H is will t h a t , fr om t h e ver y begin n in g, m y sou l sh a ll be
a fr a id, so t h a t m y m er it m a y be t h e gr ea t er ; a n d if I a ch ieve m y r esolve, t h e gr ea t er
m y fea r h a s been , t h e gr ea t er will be m y r ewa r d, a n d t h e gr ea t er , t oo, will be m y
r et r ospect ive plea su r e. E ven in t h is life H is Ma jest y r ewa r ds su ch a n a ct in wa ys
t h a t ca n be u n der st ood on ly by on e wh o h a s en joyed t h em . Th is I kn ow by
exper ien ce, a s I h a ve sa id, in m a n y ver y ser iou s m a t t er s; a n d so, if I wer e a per son
wh o h a d t o a dvise ot h er s, I wou ld n ever r ecom m en d a n yon e, wh en a good
in spir a t ion com es t o h im a ga in a n d a ga in , t o h esit a t e t o pu t it in t o pr a ct ice beca u se
of fea r ; for , if on e lives a life of det a ch m en t for God's sa ke a lon e, t h er e is n o r ea son
t o be a fr a id t h a t t h in gs will t u r n ou t a m iss, sin ce H e is a ll-power fu l. Ma y H e be
blessed for ever . Am en .
O Su pr em e Good! O m y Rest ! Th e fa vou r s wh ich Th ou h a dst given m e u n t il n ow
sh ou ld h a ve su fficed m e, sin ce by Th y com pa ssion a n d gr ea t n ess I h a d been
br ou gh t , a lon g so m a n y deviou s wa ys, t o a st a t e so secu r e a n d t o a h ou se in wh ich
t h er e wer e so m a n y ser va n t s of God fr om wh om I m igh t t a ke exa m ple a n d t h u s
lea r n t o gr ow in Th y ser vice. Wh en I r em em ber t h e wa y I m a de m y pr ofession a n d
t h e gr ea t det er m in a t ion a n d sa t isfa ct ion wit h wh ich I m a de it a n d t h e bet r ot h a l
t h a t I con t r a ct ed wit h Th ee, I do n ot kn ow h ow t o pr oceed a n y fa r t h er wit h m y
st or y. I ca n n ot spea k of t h is wit h ou t t ea r s, a n d t h ey ou gh t t o be t ea r s of blood, a n d
m y h ea r t ou gh t t o br ea k, a n d even t h a t wou ld be sh owin g n o gr ea t sor r ow for t h e
offen ses wh ich I a ft er wa r ds com m it t ed a ga in st Th ee. It seem s t o m e n ow t h a t I wa s
r igh t n ot t o wish for so gr ea t a n h on ou r , sin ce I wa s t o m a ke su ch ba d u se of it . Bu t
Th ou , m y Lor d, wer t pr epa r ed t o be offen ded by m e for a lm ost t wen t y yea r s, du r in g
wh ich t im e I m a de ill u se of Th y fa vou r , so t h a t in t h e en d I m igh t becom e bet t er . It
wou ld seem , m y God, a s if I h a d pr om ised t o br ea k a ll t h e pr om ises I h a d m a de
Th ee, a lt h ou gh a t t h e t im e t h a t wa s n ot m y in t en t ion . Wh en I look ba ck on t h ese
a ct ion s of m in e, I do n ot kn ow wh a t m y in t en t ion cou ld h a ve been . All t h is, m y
Spou se, r evea ls st ill m or e clea r ly t h e differ en ce bet ween Th y n a t u r e a n d m in e.
Cer t a in ly dist r ess for m y gr ea t sin s is oft en t em per ed by t h e joy wh ich com es t o m e
a t bein g t h e m ea n s of m a kin g kn own t h e m u lt it u de of Th y m er cies.
In wh om , Lor d, ca n t h ey sh in e for t h a s in m e, wh o wit h m y evil deeds h a ve t h u s
obscu r ed t h e gr ea t fa vou r s wh ich Th ou h a dst begu n t o sh ow m e? Ala s, m y Cr ea t or !
If I wou ld m a ke a n excu se, I h a ve n on e, a n d n on e is t o bla m e bu t I. F or , h a d I r epa id
Th ee a n y pa r t of t h e love wh ich Th ou h a dst begu n t o sh ow m e, I cou ld h a ve
best owed it on n on e bu t Th yself; a n d h a d I bu t don e t h is, ever yt h in g wou ld h a ve

a n d m a de h er solem n pr ofession on Novem ber 3, 1537, a t t h e a ges of t wen t y-on e a n d t wen t y-t wo
r espect ively. [P r eviou sly Riber a 's da t es of 1535 a n d 1536 h a d been gen er a lly a ccept ed, t h ou gh t h er e
wa s a lso eviden ce in fa vou r of 1533 a n d 1534.] Cf. Rela t ion IV (p. 319): "It is for t y yea r s sin ce t h is
n u n t ook t h e h a bit ." Th is wa s wr it t en in 1576.
 43

been set r igh t . Bu t a s I h a ve n ot deser ved t h is, n or h a d su ch good for t u n e, m a y Th y

m er cy, Lor d, be a va ilin g for m e.
Th e ch a n ge in m y life, a n d in m y diet , a ffect ed m y h ea lt h ; a n d, t h ou gh m y
h a ppin ess wa s gr ea t , it wa s n ot su fficien t t o cu r e m e. My fa in t in g fit s bega n t o
in cr ea se in n u m ber a n d I su ffer ed so m u ch fr om h ea r t t r ou ble t h a t ever yon e wh o
sa w m e wa s a la r m ed. I a lso h a d m a n y ot h er a ilm en t s. I spen t m y fir st yea r ,
t h er efor e, in a ver y poor st a t e of h ea lt h , t h ou gh I do n ot t h in k I offen ded God ver y
m u ch du r in g t h a t t im e. My con dit ion beca m e so ser iou s -- for I h a r dly ever seem ed
t o be fu lly con sciou s, a n d som et im es I lost con sciou sn ess a lt oget h er -- t h a t m y fa t h er
m a de gr ea t effor t s t o fin d m e a cu r e. As ou r own doct or s cou ld su ggest n on e, h e
a r r a n ged for m e t o be t a ken t o a pla ce wh er e t h ey h a d a gr ea t r epu t a t ion for cu r in g
ot h er kin ds of illn ess a n d sa id t h ey cou ld a lso cu r e m in e Th is fr ien d wh om I h a ve
spoken of a s bein g in t h e h ou se, a n d wh o wa s on e of t h e sen ior s a m on g t h e sist er s,
wen t wit h m e. In t h e h ou se wh er e I wa s a n u n , we did n ot h a ve t o m a ke a vow of
en closu r e. I wa s t h er e for n ea r ly a yea r , a n d du r in g t h r ee m on t h s of t h a t t im e I
su ffer ed t h e gr ea t est t or t u r es fr om t h e dr a st ic r em edies wh ich t h ey a pplied t o m e. I
do n ot kn ow h ow I m a n a ged t o en du r e t h em ; a n d in fa ct , t h ou gh I did en du r e t h em ,
m y con st it u t ion wa s u n a ble t o st a n d t h em , a s I sh a ll expla in . My t r ea t m en t wa s t o
com m en ce a t t h e begin n in g of t h e su m m er a n d I h a d left t h e con ven t wh en t h e
win t er bega n . All t h e in t er ven in g t im e I spen t in t h e h ou se of t h e sist er wh om I
r efer r ed t o a bove a s livin g in a villa ge, wa it in g for t h e m on t h of Apr il, wh ich wa s
n ea r a t h a n d, so t h a t I sh ou ld n ot h a ve t o go a n d com e ba ck a ga in .80
On t h e wa y t h er e, I st opped a t t h e h ou se of t h is u n cle of m in e, wh ich , a s I h a ve sa id,
wa s on t h e r oa d, a n d h e ga ve m e a book ca lled T h ird Alph abet, wh ich t r ea t s of t h e
P r a yer of Recollect ion .81 Du r in g t h is fir st yea r I h a d been r ea din g good books (I n o
lon ger wa n t ed t o r ea d a n y ot h er s, for I n ow r ea lized wh a t h a r m t h ey h a d don e m e)
bu t I did n ot kn ow h ow t o pr a ct ise pr a yer , or h ow t o r ecollect m yself, a n d so I wa s
deligh t ed wit h t h e book a n d det er m in ed t o follow t h a t wa y of pr a yer wit h a ll m y
m igh t . As by n ow t h e Lor d h a d gr a n t ed m e t h e gift of t ea r s, a n d I liked r ea din g, I
bega n t o spen d per iods in solit u de, t o go fr equ en t ly t o con fession a n d t o st a r t u pon
t h e wa y of pr a yer wit h t h is book for m y gu ide. F or I fou n d n o ot h er gu ide (n o
con fessor , I m ea n ) wh o u n der st ood m e, t h ou gh I sou gh t on e for fu lly t wen t y yea r s
su bsequ en t ly t o t h e t im e I a m spea kin g of. Th is did m e gr ea t h a r m , a s I h a d
fr equ en t r ela pses, a n d m igh t h a ve been com plet ely lost ; a gu ide wou ld a t lea st h a ve
h elped m e t o esca pe wh en I fou n d m yself r u n n in g t h e r isk of offen din g God.
In t h ese ea r ly da ys H is Ma jest y bega n t o gr a n t m e so m a n y fa vou r s t h a t a t t h e en d
of t h is en t ir e per iod of solit u de, wh ich la st ed for a lm ost n in e m on t h s, a lt h ou gh I wa s

80 [Th is la st ph r a se h a s pu zzled t h e com m en t a t or s. I t a ke t h e m ea n in g t o be t h a t St . Ter esa wen t t o

st a y wit h h er sist er , Doñ a Ma r ía wh o h a d m a r r ied a cer t a in Don Ma r t ín de Gu zm á n y Ba r r ien t os, in
t h e la t e a u t u m n ("wh en t h e win t er bega n " -- bu t it begin s ea r ly on t h e Ca st ilia n pla t ea u ), wa s u n der
t h e su per vision of t h e cu ran d era, wh o lived n ea r t h e sist er , du r in g t h e win t er , a n d wen t t o live wit h
h er , t o t a ke t h e in t en sive a n d pa in fu l cou r se of t r ea t m en t r efer r ed t o in t h e t ext , in t h e followin g
Apr il, st a yin g t ill J u ly. It wa s pr esu m a bly on a fir st visit t o t h e cu ran d era, m a de for t h e pu r pose of a
con su lt a t ion , t h a t St . Ter esa wa s a ccom pa n ied by t h e older n u n . Bu t Beceda s, wh er e t h e cu ran d era
lived, wa s over for t y m iles fr om Ávila , wh er ea s Doñ a Ma r ía 's villa ge of Ca st ella n os de la Ca n a da wa s
qu it e n ea r Beceda s, so t h a t by goin g t o st a y wit h h er sist er sh e sa ved h er self lon g jou r n eys du r in g
t h e win t er . Th is in t er pr et a t ion seem s t o m e t h e on ly on e wh ich fit s a ll t h e fa ct s.]
81 Th e u n cle, Don P edr o, lived a t H or t igosa , a villa ge on t h e r oa d t o Ca st ella n os. Th e Disca lced
Ca r m elit e com m u n it y of St . J oseph , a t Ávila , st ill pr eser ves t h e copy of F r a n cisco de Osu n a 's T h ird
S piritu al Alph abet [cf. S .S .M ., I,79-131] h er e r efer r ed t o.
 44

n ot so fr ee fr om offen din g God a s t h e book sa id on e sh ou ld be, I pa ssed over t h a t , for

su ch gr ea t ca r e seem ed t o m e a lm ost im possible. I wa s pa r t icu la r a bou t n ot
com m it t in g m or t a l sin -- a n d wou ld t o God I h a d a lwa ys been so! Bu t a bou t ven ia l
sin s I t r ou bled ver y lit t le a n d it wa s t h is wh ich br ou gh t a bou t m y fa ll. St ill, t h e Lor d
bega n t o be so gr a ciou s t o m e on t h is wa y of pr a yer t h a t H e gr a n t ed m e t h e fa vou r
of lea din g m e t o t h e P r a yer of Qu iet , a n d occa sion a lly even t o Un ion , t h ou gh I did
n ot u n der st a n d wh a t eit h er of t h ese wa s, or h ow h igh ly t h ey wer e t o be va lu ed. H a d
I u n der st ood t h is I t h in k it wou ld h a ve been a gr ea t blessin g. It is t r u e t h a t m y
exper ien ce of Un ion la st ed on ly a sh or t t im e; I a m n ot su r e t h a t it ca n h a ve been for
a s lon g a s a n Ave M aria; bu t t h e r esu lt s of it wer e so con sider a ble, a n d la st ed for so
lon g t h a t , a lt h ou gh a t t h is t im e I wa s n ot t wen t y yea r s old,82 I seem ed t o h a ve
t r a m pled t h e wor ld ben ea t h m y feet , a n d I r em em ber t h a t I u sed t o pit y t h ose wh o
st ill clu n g t o it , even in t h in gs t h a t wer e la wfu l. I u sed t o t r y t o t h in k of J esu s
Ch r ist , ou r Good a n d ou r Lor d, a s pr esen t wit h in m e, a n d it wa s in t h is wa y t h a t I
pr a yed. If I t h ou gh t a bou t a n y in ciden t in H is life, I wou ld im a gin e it in wa r dly,
t h ou gh I liked pr in cipa lly t o r ea d good books, a n d t h is con st it u t ed t h e wh ole of m y
r ecr ea t ion . F or God h a d n ot given m e t a len t s for r ea son in g wit h t h e u n der st a n din g
or for m a kin g good u se of t h e im a gin a t ion : m y im a gin a t ion is so poor t h a t , even
wh en I t h ou gh t a bou t t h e Lor d's H u m a n it y, or t r ied t o im a gin e it t o m yself, a s I wa s
in t h e h a bit of doin g, I n ever su cceeded. An d a lt h ou gh , if t h ey per sever e, people m a y
a t t a in m or e qu ickly t o con t em pla t ion by followin g t h is m et h od of n ot la bou r in g wit h
t h e u n der st a n din g, it is a ver y t r ou blesom e a n d pa in fu l pr ocess. F or if t h e will h a s
n ot h in g t o em ploy it a n d love h a s n o pr esen t object wit h wh ich t o bu sy it self, t h e
sou l fin ds it self wit h ou t eit h er su ppor t or occu pa t ion , it s solit u de a n d a r idit y ca u se
it gr ea t dist r ess a n d it s t h ou gh t s in volve it in t h e sever est con flict .
P eople in t h is con dit ion n eed gr ea t er pu r it y of con scien ce t h a n t h ose wh o ca n la bou r
wit h t h e u n der st a n din g. F or a n yon e m edit a t in g on t h e n a t u r e of t h e wor ld, on h is
du t ies t o God, on God's gr ea t su ffer in gs a n d on wh a t h e h im self is givin g t o H im
Wh o loves h im , will fin d in h is m edit a t ion s in st r u ct ion s for defen din g h im self
a ga in st h is t h ou gh t s a n d a ga in st per ils a n d occa sion s of sin . An yon e u n a ble t o m a ke
u se of t h is m et h od is in m u ch gr ea t er da n ger a n d sh ou ld occu py h im self fr equ en t ly
in r ea din g, sin ce h e ca n n ot fin d in st r u ct ion in a n y ot h er wa y. An d in a bilit y t o do
t h is is so ver y pa in fu l t h a t , if t h e m a st er wh o is dir ect in g h im for bids h im t o r ea d
a n d t h u s fin d h elp for r ecollect ion , r ea din g is n on e t h e less n ecessa r y for h im ,
h owever lit t le it m a y be, a s a su bst it u t e for t h e m en t a l pr a yer wh ich h e is u n a ble t o
pr a ct ise. I m ea n t h a t if h e is com pelled t o spen d a gr ea t dea l of t im e in pr a yer
wit h ou t t h is a id it will be im possible for h im t o per sist in it for lon g, a n d if h e does
so it will en da n ger h is h ea lt h , sin ce it is a ver y pa in fu l pr ocess.
I believe n ow t h a t it wa s t h r ou gh t h e Lor d's good pr oviden ce t h a t I fou n d n o on e t o
t ea ch m e; for , h a d I don e so, it wou ld h a ve been im possible, I t h in k, for m e t o
per sever e du r in g t h e eigh t een yea r s for wh ich I h a d t o bea r t h is t r ia l a n d t h ese
gr ea t a r idit ies, du e, a s I sa y, t o m y bein g u n a ble t o m edit a t e. Du r in g a ll t h ese yea r s,
except a ft er com m u n ica t in g, I n ever da r ed begin t o pr a y wit h ou t a book; m y sou l
wa s a s m u ch a fr a id t o en ga ge in pr a yer wit h ou t on e a s if it wer e h a vin g t o go a n d
figh t a ga in st a h ost of en em ies. Wit h t h is h elp, wh ich wa s a com pa n ion sh ip t o m e
a n d a sh ield wit h wh ich I cou ld pa r r y t h e blows of m y m a n y t h ou gh t s, I felt
com for t ed. F or it wa s n ot u su a l wit h m e t o su ffer fr om a r idit y: t h is on ly ca m e wh en
I h a d n o book, wh er eu pon m y sou l wou ld a t on ce becom e dist u r bed a n d m y t h ou gh t s

82 [St . Ter esa m u st h a ve been m ist a ken . Sh e ca n n ot possibly h a ve been less t h a n t wen t y-t h r ee a n d
wa s pr oba bly a lit t le older .]
 45

wou ld begin t o wa n der . As soon a s I st a r t ed t o r ea d t h ey bega n t o collect t h em selves

a n d t h e book a ct ed like a ba it t o m y sou l. Oft en t h e m er e fa ct t h a t I h a d it by m e
wa s su fficien t . Som et im es I r ea d a lit t le, som et im es a gr ea t dea l, a ccor din g t o t h e
fa vou r wh ich t h e Lor d sh owed m e. It seem ed t o m e, in t h ese ea r ly st a ges of wh ich I
a m spea kin g, t h a t , pr ovided I h a d books a n d cou ld be a lon e, t h er e wa s n o r isk of m y
bein g depr ived of t h a t gr ea t blessin g; a n d I believe t h a t , by t h e h elp of God, t h is
wou ld h a ve been t h e ca se if a t t h e begin n in g I h a d h a d a m a st er or som e ot h er
per son t o a dvise m e h ow t o flee fr om occa sion s of sin , a n d, if I fell befor e t h em , t o
get m e qu ickly fr ee fr om t h em . If a t t h a t t im e t h e devil h a d a t t a cked m e open ly, I
believe I sh ou ld n ever in a n y wa y h a ve begu n t o sin gr ievou sly a ga in . Bu t h e wa s so
su bt le, a n d I wa s so wea k, t h a t a ll m y r esolu t ion s wer e of lit t le pr ofit t o m e, t h ou gh ,
in t h e da ys wh en I ser ved God, t h ey beca m e ver y pr ofit a ble in deed, in t h a t t h ey
en a bled m e t o bea r t h e t er r ible in fir m it ies wh ich ca m e t o m e wit h t h e gr ea t pa t ien ce
given m e by H is Ma jest y.
I h a ve oft en r eflect ed wit h a m a zem en t u pon God's gr ea t goodn ess a n d m y sou l h a s
deligh t ed in t h e t h ou gh t of H is gr ea t m a gn ificen ce a n d m er cy. Ma y H e be blessed
for a ll t h is, for it h a s becom e clea r t o m e t h a t , even in t h is life, H e h a s n ot fa iled t o
r ewa r d m e for a n y of m y good desir es. H owever wr et ch ed a n d im per fect m y good
wor ks h a ve been , t h is Lor d of m in e h a s been im pr ovin g t h em , per fect in g t h em a n d
m a kin g t h em of gr ea t er wor t h , a n d yet h idin g m y evil deeds a n d m y sin s a s soon a s
t h ey h a ve been com m it t ed. H e h a s even a llowed t h e eyes of t h ose wh o h a ve seen
t h em t o be blin d t o t h em a n d H e blot s t h em fr om t h eir m em or y. H e gilds m y fa u lt s
a n d m a kes som e vir t u e of m in e t o sh in e for t h in splen dou r ; yet it wa s H e H im self
Wh o ga ve it m e a n d a lm ost for ced m e t o possess it .
I will n ow r et u r n a n d do wh a t I h a ve been com m a n ded. I r epea t t h a t , if I h a d t o
descr ibe in det a il t h e wa y in wh ich t h e Lor d dea lt wit h m e in t h ese ea r ly da ys, I
sh ou ld n eed m u ch m or e in t elligen ce t h a n I h a ve so a s t o be a ble t o a ppr ecia t e wh a t
I owe t o H im , t oget h er wit h m y own in gr a t it u de a n d wickedn ess, a ll of wh ich I h a ve
for got t en . Ma y H e be for ever blessed, Wh o h a s en du r ed m e for so lon g. Am en .

CHAP TER V
Con tin u es to tell of th e grievou s in firm ities w h ich sh e su ffered an d of
th e patien ce given h er by th e L ord , an d of h ow H e brin gs good ou t of
evil, as w ill be seen from an in cid en t w h ich h appen ed to h er in th e place
w h ere sh e w en t for treatm en t.

I for got t o t ell h ow, in t h e yea r of m y n ovit ia t e, I su ffer ed lon g per iods of u n r est
a bou t t h in gs wh ich in t h em selves wer e of lit t le im por t a n ce. I wa s ver y oft en bla m ed
wh en t h e fa u lt wa s n ot m in e. Th is I bor e ver y im per fect ly, a n d wit h gr ea t dist r ess of
m in d, a lt h ou gh I wa s a ble t o en du r e it a ll beca u se of m y gr ea t sa t isfa ct ion a t bein g
a n u n . Wh en t h ey sa w m e en dea vou r in g t o be a lon e a n d som et im es weepin g for m y
sin s, t h ey t h ou gh t t h a t I wa s discon t en t ed a n d sa id so. I wa s fon d of ever yt h in g t o
do wit h t h e r eligiou s life bu t I cou ld n ot bea r a n yt h in g wh ich seem ed t o m a ke m e
r idicu lou s. I deligh t ed in bein g t h ou gh t well of; I wa s pa r t icu la r a bou t ever yt h in g I
did; a n d a ll t h is I t h ou gh t wa s a vir t u e, t h ou gh t h a t ca n n ot ser ve m e a s a n excu se,
beca u se I kn ew h ow t o get plea su r e for m yself ou t of ever yt h in g a n d so m y
wr on gdoin g ca n n ot be excu sed by ign or a n ce. Som e excu se m a y be fou n d in t h e
 53

a r ou sed m e t o ser ve H im ; a ft er I h a d seen m yself a t dea t h 's door a n d in su ch gr ea t

per il of da m n a t ion ; a ft er H e h a d r a ised m e u p, in sou l a n d in body, so t h a t a ll wh o
sa w m e wer e a m a zed t o see m e a live? Wh a t it is, m y Lor d, t o h a ve t o live a life so
fu ll of per ils! F or h er e I a m wr it in g t h is, a n d it seem s t o m e t h a t wit h Th y fa vou r
a n d t h r ou gh Th y m er cy I m igh t sa y wit h Sa in t P a u l, t h ou gh n ot so per fect ly a s h e:
F or it is n ot I n ow wh o live, bu t Th ou , m y Cr ea t or , livest in m e.93 F or som e yea r s, so
fa r a s I ca n see, Th ou h a st h eld m e by Th y h a n d, a n d I fin d I h a ve desir es a n d
r esolu t ion s -- t est ed t o a cer t a in ext en t , du r in g t h ese yea r s, in m a n y wa ys, by
exper ien ce -- t o do n ot h in g con t r a r y t o Th y will, h owever t r iflin g it m a y be, t h ou gh I
m u st oft en h a ve ca u sed Th y Ma jest y n u m er ou s offen ces wit h ou t kn owin g it . It
seem s t o m e, t oo, t h a t n ot h in g ca n pr esen t it self t o m e wh ich I wou ld n ot wit h gr ea t
r esolu t ion u n der t a ke for love of Th ee, a n d som e of t h ese t h in gs Th ou h a st h elped m e
su ccessfu lly t o a ccom plish . I desir e n eit h er t h e wor ld n or a n yt h in g t h a t is wor ldly,
a n d n ot h in g seem s t o give m e plea su r e u n less it com es fr om Th ee: ever yt h in g else
seem s t o m e a h ea vy cr oss. I m a y well be m ist a ken a n d it m a y be t h a t I h a ve n ot t h e
desir e t h a t I h a ve descr ibed; bu t Th ou seest , m y Lor d, t h a t , so fa r a s I ca n
u n der st a n d, I a m n ot lyin g. I a m a fr a id, a n d wit h good r ea son , t h a t Th ou m a yest
on ce m or e for sa ke m e; for I kn ow well h ow lit t le m y st r en gt h a n d in su fficien cy of
vir t u e ca n a ch ieve if Th ou be n ot ever gr a n t in g m e Th y gr a ce a n d h elpin g m e n ot t o
for sa ke Th ee. Ma y it plea se Th y Ma jest y t h a t I be n ot for sa ken by Th ee even n ow,
wh ile I a m t h in kin g a ll t h is a bou t m yself. I do n ot kn ow wh y we wish t o live, wh en
ever yt h in g is so u n cer t a in . I u sed t o t h in k, m y Lor d, t h a t it wa s im possible t o
for sa ke Th ee wh olly; yet h ow m a n y t im es h a ve I for sa ken Th ee! I ca n n ot bu t fea r ;
for , wh en Th ou didst wit h dr a w fr om m e bu t a lit t le, I fell u t t er ly t o t h e gr ou n d.
Blessed be Th ou for ever ! F or , t h ou gh I h a ve for sa ken Th ee, Th ou h a st n ot so
com plet ely for sa ken m e a s n ot t o r a ise m e u p a ga in by con t in u a lly givin g m e Th y
h a n d. Oft en , Lor d, I wou ld n ot t a ke it , a n d oft en wh en Th ou didst ca ll m e a secon d
t im e I wou ld n ot list en , a s I sh a ll n ow r ela t e.

CHAP TER VII

Describes h ow sh e began to lose th e favou rs w h ich th e L ord h ad gran ted
h er an d h ow evil h er life becam e. T reats of th e h arm th at com es to
con ven ts from laxity in th e observan ce of th e ru le of en closu re.

I bega n , t h en , t o in du lge in on e pa st im e a ft er a n ot h er , in on e va n it y a ft er a n ot h er
a n d in on e occa sion of sin a ft er a n ot h er . In t o so m a n y a n d su ch gr a ve occa sion s of
sin did I fa ll, a n d so fa r wa s m y sou l led a st r a y by a ll t h ese va n it ies, t h a t I wa s
a sh a m ed t o r et u r n t o God a n d t o a ppr oa ch H im in t h e in t im a t e fr ien dsh ip wh ich
com es fr om pr a yer . Th is sh a m e wa s in cr ea sed by t h e fa ct t h a t , a s m y sin s gr ew in
n u m ber , I bega n t o lose t h e plea su r e a n d joy wh ich I h a d been der ivin g fr om
vir t u ou s t h in gs. I sa w ver y clea r ly, m y Lor d, t h a t t h is wa s fa ilin g m e beca u se I wa s
fa ilin g Th ee. Th e devil, ben ea t h t h e gu ise of h u m ilit y, n ow led m e in t o t h e gr ea t est
of a ll possible er r or s. Seein g t h a t I wa s so u t t er ly lost , I bega n t o be a fr a id t o pr a y.
It seem ed t o m e bet t er , sin ce in m y wickedn ess I wa s on e of t h e wor st people a live,
t o live like ever yon e else; t o r ecit e, voca lly, t h e pr a yer s t h a t I wa s bou n d t o sa y; a n d
n ot t o pr a ct ise m en t a l pr a yer or h old so m u ch con ver se wit h God, sin ce I deser ved t o
be wit h t h e devils, a n d, by pr esen t in g a n ou t wa r d a ppea r a n ce of goodn ess, wa s on ly

93 Ga la t ia n s ii, 20.
 54

deceivin g ot h er s. No bla m e for t h is is t o be a t t r ibu t ed t o t h e h ou se in wh ich I lived,

for I wa s clever en ou gh t o see t o it t h a t t h e n u n s h a d a good opin ion of m e, t h ou gh I
did n ot do so deliber a t ely, by pr et en din g t o be a good Ch r ist ia n , for in t h e m a t t er of
va in glor y a n d h ypocr isy -- glor y be t o God! -- I do n ot r em em ber h a vin g even on ce
offen ded H im , so fa r a s I a m a wa r e. F or if ever I per ceived wit h in m yself t h e fir st
m ot ion s of su ch a t h in g, it dist r essed m e so m u ch t h a t t h e devil wou ld depa r t
con fou n ded a n d I wou ld be a ll t h e bet t er for it ; so h e h a s ver y seldom t em pt ed m e
m u ch in t h is wa y. P er h a ps, if God h a d per m it t ed m e t o be t em pt ed a s sever ely in
t h is r espect a s in ot h er s, I sh ou ld h a ve fa llen h er e t oo, bu t so fa r H is Ma jest y h a s
kept m e fr om t h is. Ma y H e be for ever blessed. In r ea lit y, t h er efor e, I wa s ver y
m u ch t r ou bled t h a t t h ey sh ou ld h a ve su ch a good opin ion of m e, a s I kn ew wh a t sor t
of per son I wa s in wa r dly
Th is belief wh ich t h ey h a d t h a t I wa s n ot so wicked wa s t h e r esu lt of t h eir seein g
m e, you n g t h ou gh I wa s a n d exposed t o so m a n y occa sion s of sin , wit h dr a win g
m yself fr equ en t ly in t o solit u de, sa yin g m y pr a yer s, r ea din g a gr ea t dea l, spea kin g
a bou t God, likin g t o h a ve pict u r es of H im in a gr ea t m a n y pla ces, wa n t in g a n
or a t or y of m y own , t r yin g t o get object s of devot ion for it , r efr a in in g fr om evil-
spea kin g a n d doin g ot h er t h in gs of t h a t kin d wh ich ga ve m e t h e a ppea r a n ce of bein g
vir t u ou s. I m yself wa s va in a n d liked t o be well t h ou gh t of in t h e t h in gs won t t o be
est eem ed by t h e wor ld. On a ccou n t of t h is t h ey ga ve m e a s m u ch liber t y a s is given
t o t h e oldest n u n s, a n d even m or e, a n d t h ey h a d gr ea t con fiden ce in m e. F or I did n o
su ch t h in gs a s t a kin g liber t ies for m yself or doin g a n yt h in g wit h ou t lea ve -- su ch a s
t a lkin g t o people t h r ou gh cr evices or over wa lls or by n igh t -- a n d I do n ot t h in k I
cou ld ever h a ve br ou gh t m yself t o t a lk in su ch a wa y wit h a n yon e in t h e con ven t , for
t h e Lor d h eld m e by H is h a n d. It seem ed t o m e -- for t h er e wer e m a n y t h in gs wh ich
I u sed t o pon der deliber a t ely a n d wit h gr ea t ca r e -- t h a t it wou ld be ver y wr on g of
m e t o com pr om ise t h e good n a m e of so m a n y of t h e sist er s wh en I wa s wicked a n d
t h ey wer e good: ju st a s t h ou gh a ll t h e ot h er t h in gs t h a t I did h a d been good! In
t r u t h , t h ou gh I oft en a ct ed ver y wr on gly, m y fa u lt s wer e n ever so m u ch t h e r esu lt of
a set pu r pose a s t h ose ot h er s wou ld h a ve been .
F or t h a t r ea son , I t h in k it wa s a ver y ba d t h in g for m e n ot t o be in a con ven t t h a t
wa s en closed. Th e fr eedom wh ich t h e sist er s, wh o wer e good, m igh t en joy wit h ou t
becom in g less so (for t h ey wer e n ot obliged t o live m or e st r ict ly t h a n t h ey did a s
t h ey h a d n ot t a ken a vow of en closu r e) wou ld cer t a in ly h a ve led m e, wh o a m wicked,
down t o h ell, h a d n ot t h e Lor d, t h r ou gh ver y specia l fa vou r s, u sin g m ea n s a n d
r em edies wh ich a r e a ll H is own , deliver ed m e fr om t h is per il. It seem s t o m e, t h en ,
t h a t it is a ver y gr ea t da n ger for wom en in a con ven t t o h a ve su ch fr eedom : for t h ose
wh o wa n t t o be wicked it is n ot so m u ch a r em edy for t h eir wea kn esses a s a st ep on
t h e wa y t o h ell. Bu t t h is is n ot t o be a pplied t o m y con ven t , wh er e t h er e a r e so m a n y
wh o ser ve t h e Lor d in ver y t r u t h a n d wit h gr ea t per fect ion , so t h a t H is Ma jest y, in
H is goodn ess, ca n n ot fa il t o h elp t h em . Nor is it on e of t h ose wh ich a r e com plet ely
open , for a ll r eligiou s obser va n ces a r e kept in it : I a m com pa r in g it n ow wit h ot h er s
wh ich I kn ow a n d h a ve seen .
Th is seem s t o m e, a s I sa y, a gr ea t pit y; for , wh en a con ven t follows st a n da r ds a n d
a llows r ecr ea t ion s wh ich belon g t o t h e wor ld, a n d t h e obliga t ion s of t h e n u n s a r e so
ill u n der st ood, t h e Lor d h a s per for ce t o ca ll ea ch of t h em in dividu a lly, a n d n ot on ce
bu t m a n y t im es, if t h ey a r e t o be sa ved. God gr a n t t h a t t h ey m a y n ot a ll m ist a ke sin
for vir t u e, a s I so oft en did! It is ver y difficu lt t o m a ke people see t h is a n d t h e Lor d
m u st n eeds t a ke t h e m a t t er r igh t in t o H is own h a n ds. P a r en t s seem t o give lit t le
t h ou gh t t o t h e pla cin g of t h eir da u gh t er s wh er e t h ey m a y wa lk in t h e wa y of
sa lva t ion , bu t a llow t h em t o r u n in t o m or e da n ger t h a n t h ey wou ld in t h e wor ld;
 55

n ever t h eless, if t h ey will follow m y a dvice, t h ey will a t lea st con sider wh a t con cer n s
t h eir h on ou r . Let t h em be pr epa r ed t o a llow t h em t o m a r r y fa r ben ea t h t h eir
st a t ion s r a t h er t h a n pu t t h em in t o con ven t s of t h is kin d, u n less t h ey a r e ver y
devou t ly in clin ed -- a n d God gr a n t t h a t t h eir in clin a t ion s m a y lea d t h em in t o wh a t
is good! Ot h er wise t h ey will do bet t er t o keep t h em a t h om e; for t h er e, if t h ey wa n t
t o be wicked, t h ey ca n n ot lon g h ide t h eir wickedn ess, wh er ea s in con ven t s it ca n be
h idden for a ver y lon g t im e in deed, u n t il, in t h e en d, it is r evea led by t h e Lor d. Th ey
do h a r m n ot on ly t o t h em selves bu t t o ever ybody else; a n d a t t im es t h e poor
cr ea t u r es a r e r ea lly n ot t o bla m e, for t h ey on ly do wh a t t h ey fin d ot h er s doin g.
Ma n y of t h em a r e t o be pit ied: t h ey wish t o esca pe fr om t h e wor ld, a n d, t h in kin g
t h a t t h ey a r e goin g t o ser ve t h e Lor d a n d flee fr om t h e wor ld a n d it s per ils, t h ey
fin d t h em selves in t en wor lds a t on ce, a n d h a ve n o idea wh er e t o t u r n or h ow t o get
ou t of t h eir difficu lt ies. You t h , sen su a lit y a n d t h e devil in vit e a n d in clin e t h em t o do
t h in gs wh ich a r e com plet ely wor ldly; a n d t h ey see t h a t t h ese t h in gs a r e con sider ed,
a s on e m igh t sa y, "a ll r igh t ". To m e, in som e wa ys, t h ey r esem ble t h ose u n h a ppy
h er et ics, wh o wilfu lly blin d t h em selves a n d pr ocla im t h a t wh a t t h ey do is good; a n d
believe it t o be so, yet wit h ou t r ea l con fiden ce, for t h er e is som et h in g wit h in t h em
wh ich t ells t h em t h ey a r e doin g wr on g.
Oh , wh a t t er r ible h a r m , wh a t t er r ible h a r m is wr ou gh t in r eligiou s (I a m r efer r in g
n ow a s m u ch t o m en a s t o wom en ) wh en t h e r eligiou s life is n ot pr oper ly obser ved;
wh en of t h e t wo pa t h s t h a t ca n be followed in a r eligiou s h ou se -- on e lea din g t o
vir t u e a n d t h e obser va n ce of t h e Ru le a n d t h e ot h er lea din g a wa y fr om t h e Ru le --
bot h a r e fr equ en t ed a lm ost equ a lly! No, I a m wr on g: t h ey a r e n ot fr equ en t ed
equ a lly, for ou r sin s ca u se t h e m or e im per fect r oa d t o be m or e com m on ly t a ken ;
bein g t h e br oa der , it is t h e m or e gen er a lly fa vou r ed. Th e wa y of t r u e r eligion is
fr equ en t ed so lit t le t h a t , if t h e fr ia r a n d t h e n u n a r e t o begin t o follow t h eir voca t ion
t r u ly, t h ey n eed t o be m or e a fr a id of t h e r eligiou s in t h eir own h ou se t h a n of a ll t h e
devils. Th ey m u st obser ve gr ea t er ca u t ion a n d dissim u la t ion wh en spea kin g of t h e
fr ien dsh ip wh ich t h ey wou ld h a ve wit h God t h a n in spea kin g of ot h er fr ien dsh ips
a n d a ffect ion s pr om ot ed in r eligiou s h ou ses by t h e devil. I ca n n ot t h in k wh y we
sh ou ld be a st on ish ed a t a ll t h e evils wh ich exist in t h e Ch u r ch , wh en t h ose wh o
ou gh t t o be m odels on wh ich a ll m a y pa t t er n t h eir vir t u es a r e a n n u llin g t h e wor k
wr ou gh t in t h e r eligiou s Or der s by t h e spir it of t h e sa in t s of old. Ma y H is Divin e
Ma jest y be plea sed t o fin d a r em edy for t h is, a s H e sees n eedfu l. Am en .
Now wh en I bega n t o in du lge in t h ese con ver sa t ion s, I did n ot t h in k, seein g t h em t o
be so u su a l, t h a t t h ey wou ld ca u se t h e h a r m a n d dist r a ct ion t o m y sou l wh ich I
fou n d wou ld be t h e ca se la t er . F or I t h ou gh t t h a t , a s in m a n y con ven t s it is su ch a
com m on pr a ct ice t o r eceive visit or s, I sh ou ld t a ke n o m or e h a r m fr om it t h a n wou ld
ot h er s wh om I kn ew t o be good. I did n ot r ea lize t h a t t h ey wer e fa r bet t er t h a n I a n d
t h a t wh a t wa s da n ger ou s for m e wou ld n ot be so da n ger ou s for ot h er s. Yet I h a ve n o
dou bt t h a t t h e pr a ct ice is n ever qu it e fr ee fr om da n ger , if on ly beca u se it is a wa st e
of t im e. I wa s on ce in t h e com pa n y of a cer t a in per son , r igh t a t t h e begin n in g of m y
a cqu a in t a n ce wit h h er , wh en t h e Lor d wa s plea sed t o m a ke m e r ea lize t h a t t h ese
fr ien dsh ips wer e n ot good for m e, a n d t o wa r n m e a n d en ligh t en m y gr ea t blin dn ess.
Ch r ist r evea led H im self t o m e, in a n a t t it u de of gr ea t st er n n ess, a n d sh owed m e
wh a t t h er e wa s in t h is t h a t displea sed H im . 94 I sa w H im wit h t h e eyes of t h e sou l
m or e clea r ly t h a n I cou ld ever h a ve seen H im wit h t h ose of t h e body; a n d it m a de
su ch a n im pr ession u pon m e t h a t , a lt h ou gh it is n ow m or e t h a n t wen t y-six yea r s

94 [Th e Sa in t wr ot e, n o dou bt in a dver t en t ly, "t h a t did n ot displea se H im ".] P . Bá ñ ez cor r ect ed t h is t o:
"t h a t H e did n ot like".
 56

a go, I seem t o h a ve H im pr esen t wit h m e st ill. I wa s gr ea t ly a st on ish ed a n d u pset

a bou t it a n d I n ever wa n t ed t o see t h a t per son a ga in .
It did m e gr ea t h a r m n ot t o kn ow t h a t it wa s possible t o see a n yt h in g ot h er wise
t h a n wit h t h e eyes of t h e body. It wa s t h e devil wh o en cou r a ged m e in t h is
ign or a n ce a n d m a de m e t h in k t h a t a n yt h in g else wa s im possible. H e led m e t o
believe t h a t I h a d im a gin ed it a ll, a n d t h a t it m igh t h a ve been t h e wor k of t h e devil,
a n d ot h er t h in gs of t h a t kin d. I a lwa ys h a d a n idea t h a t it wa s n ot du e t o m y fa n cy
bu t ca m e fr om God. H owever , ju st beca u se t h e vision did n ot plea se m e, I for ced
m yself t o give t h e lie t o m y own in st in ct ; a n d, a s I da r ed n ot discu ss it wit h a n yon e,
a n d a ft er a t im e gr ea t im por t u n it y wa s br ou gh t t o bea r on m e, I en t er ed in t o
r ela t ion s wit h t h a t per son on ce a ga in . I wa s a ssu r ed t h a t t h er e wa s n o h a r m in m y
seein g su ch a per son , a n d t h a t by doin g so I sh ou ld n ot in ju r e m y good n a m e 95 bu t
r a t h er en h a n ce it . On su bsequ en t occa sion s I got t o kn ow ot h er people in t h e sa m e
wa y; a n d I spen t m a n y yea r s in t h is pest ilen t ia l pa st im e, wh ich , wh en ever I wa s
en ga ged in it , n ever seem ed t o m e a s ba d a s it r ea lly wa s, t h ou gh som et im es I sa w
clea r ly t h a t it wa s n ot good. Bu t n o on e ca u sed m e a s m u ch dist r a ct ion a s did t h e
per son of wh om I a m spea kin g, for I wa s ver y fon d of h er .
On a n ot h er occa sion , wh en I wa s wit h t h a t sa m e per son , we sa w com in g t owa r ds u s
-- a n d ot h er s wh o wer e t h er e sa w t h is t oo -- som et h in g like a gr ea t t oa d, bu t
cr a wlin g m u ch m or e qu ickly t h a n t oa ds a r e won t t o do. I ca n n ot im a gin e h ow su ch a
r ept ile cou ld h a ve com e fr om t h e pla ce in qu est ion in br oa d da yligh t ; it h a d n ever
h a ppen ed befor e, a n d t h e in ciden t m a de su ch a n im pr ession on m e t h a t I t h in k it
m u st h a ve h a d a h idden m ea n in g, a n d I h a ve n ever for got t en t h is eit h er . O
gr ea t n ess of God! Wit h wh a t ca r e a n d com pa ssion didst Th ou wa r n m e in ever y wa y
a n d h ow lit t le did I pr ofit by Th y wa r n in gs!
Th er e wa s a n u n in t h a t con ven t , wh o wa s a r ela t ive of m in e; sh e h a d been t h er e a
lon g t im e a n d wa s a gr ea t ser va n t of God a n d devot ed t o t h e Ru le of h er Or der . Sh e,
t oo, occa sion a lly wa r n ed m e; a n d n ot on ly did I disbelieve h er bu t I wa s displea sed
wit h h er , for I t h ou gh t sh e wa s sh ocked wit h ou t ca u se. I h a ve m en t ion ed t h is in
or der t o m a ke clea r m y wickedn ess a n d t h e gr ea t goodn ess of God a n d t o sh ow h ow
by t h is gr ea t in gr a t it u de of m in e I h a d m er it ed h ell. I a lso m en t ion it in or der t h a t ,
if it is t h e Lor d's will a n d plea su r e t h a t it sh a ll be r ea d a t a n y t im e by a n u n , sh e
m a y be wa r n ed by m e. I beg a ll n u n s, for t h e love of Ou r Lor d, t o flee fr om su ch
pa st im es a s t h ese. Ma y H is Ma jest y gr a n t t h a t som e of t h ose wh om I h a ve led
a st r a y m a y be set in t h e r igh t pa t h by m e; I u sed t o t ell t h em t h a t t h er e wa s
n ot h in g wr on g in t h is pr a ct ice, a n d, blin d t h a t I wa s, r ea ssu r e t h em a bou t wh a t wa s
in r ea lit y a gr ea t da n ger . I wou ld n ever h a ve deliber a t ely deceived t h em ; bu t ,
t h r ou gh t h e ba d exa m ple t h a t I set t h em , a s I h a ve sa id, I wa s t h e ca u se of a gr ea t
dea l of wr on gdoin g wit h ou t ever t h in kin g I cou ld be.
In t h ose ea r ly da ys, du r in g m y illn ess, a n d befor e I kn ew h ow t o t a ke ca r e of m yself,
I u sed t o h a ve t h e gr ea t est desir e t o be of u se t o ot h er s. Th is is a ver y com m on
t em pt a t ion in begin n er s; in m y ca se, h owever , it s effect s wer e good. I wa s so fon d of
m y fa t h er t h a t I lon ged for h im t o exper ien ce t h e ben efit wh ich I seem ed t o be
der ivin g fr om t h e pr a ct ice of pr a yer m yself, for I t h ou gh t t h a t in t h is life t h er e cou ld
be n ot h in g gr ea t er . So by in dir ect m et h ods, a n d t o t h e best of m y a bilit y, I bega n t o
t r y t o get h im t o pr a ct ise it . To t h is en d I ga ve h im books t o r ea d. Bein g ver y
vir t u ou s, a s I h a ve sa id h e wa s, h e t ook so well t o t h is exer cise t h a t in five or six

95 [H on ra.]
 57

yea r s (I t h in k it m u st h a ve been 96 ) h e h a d m a de su ch pr ogr ess t h a t I pr a ised t h e

Lor d gr ea t ly a n d wa s won der fu lly en cou r a ged. H e h a d t o bea r t h e sever est t r ia ls of
m a n y differ en t kin ds a n d h e bor e t h em wit h t h e gr ea t est r esign a t ion . H e oft en ca m e
t o see m e, for h e der ived gr ea t com for t fr om spea kin g of t h e t h in gs of God.
Bu t n ow t h a t I h a d fa llen a wa y so fa r , a n d n o lon ger pr a ct ised pr a yer , I cou ld n ot
bea r h im t o t h in k, a s I sa w h e did, t h a t I wa s st ill ju st a s I u sed t o be; so I h a d t o
u n deceive h im . F or I h a d been a yea r or m or e wit h ou t pr a yin g, t h in kin g t h a t t o
r efr a in fr om pr a yer wa s a sign of gr ea t er h u m ilit y. Th is, a s I sh a ll a ft er wa r ds
expla in , wa s t h e gr ea t est t em pt a t ion I h a d: it n ea r ly br ou gh t a bou t m y r u in . F or
du r in g t h e t im e I pr a ct ised pr a yer , if I h a d offen ded God on e da y, I wou ld r ecollect
m yself on t h e followin g da ys a n d wit h dr a w fa r t h er fr om occa sion s of sin . Wh en t h a t
dea r good m a n ca m e t o visit m e, it wa s ver y h a r d for m e t o see h im u n der t h e fa lse
im pr ession t h a t I wa s st ill com m u n in g wit h God a s I h a d been doin g befor e. So I
t old h im t h a t I wa s n o lon ger pr a yin g, wit h ou t t ellin g h im t h e r ea son . I m a de m y
illn esses a n excu se; for , t h ou gh I h a d r ecover ed fr om t h a t ver y ser iou s illn ess, I h a ve
su ffer ed ever sin ce fr om in disposit ion s, a n d som et im es fr om gr a ve on es, even t o t h is
da y. F or som e t im e m y com pla in t s h a ve been less t r ou blesom e, bu t t h ey h a ve by n o
m ea n s left m e. In pa r t icu la r , for t wen t y yea r s I su ffer ed fr om m or n in g sickn ess, so
t h a t I wa s n ot a ble t o br ea k m y fa st u n t il a ft er m idda y -- som et im es n ot u n t il m u ch
la t er . Now t h a t I go oft en er t o Com m u n ion , I h a ve t o br in g on t h e sickn ess a t n igh t ,
wit h fea t h er s or in som e ot h er wa y, befor e I go t o bed, wh ich is m u ch m or e
dist r essin g; bu t if I let it t a ke it s cou r se I feel m u ch wor se. I t h in k I ca n h a r dly ever
be fr ee fr om a ch es a n d pa in s, a n d som et im es ver y ser iou s on es, especia lly in t h e
h ea r t , a lt h ou gh t h e t r ou ble wh ich I on ce h a d con t in u a lly n ow occu r s on ly r a r ely,
a n d I h a ve been fr ee for qu it e eigh t yea r s fr om t h e pa r a lysis a n d t h e fever ish
com pla in t s fr om wh ich I u sed oft en t o su ffer . Of t h ese t r ou bles I n ow m a ke su ch
lit t le a ccou n t t h a t I oft en r ejoice in t h em , t h in kin g t h a t t o som e ext en t t h ey a r e
plea sin g t o t h e Lor d.
My fa t h er believed m e wh en I t old h im t h a t it wa s beca u se of m y h ea lt h t h a t I h a d
cea sed t o pr a y, sin ce h e n ever t old a lie h im self, a n d, in view of t h e r ela t ion s
bet ween u s, t h er e wa s n o r ea son wh y I sh ou ld h a ve don e so eit h er . I t old h im , in
or der t o m a ke m y st or y t h e m or e cr edible (for I well kn ew t h a t I h a d n o su ch excu se
r ea lly), t h a t it wa s a s m u ch a s I cou ld do t o a t t en d t h e ch oir offices. Not t h a t t h is
wou ld be a n y su fficien t r ea son for givin g u p som et h in g wh ich n eeds n o bodily
st r en gt h , bu t on ly love a n d t h e for m a t ion of a h a bit ; a n d t h e Lor d a lwa ys gives u s
a n oppor t u n it y if we wa n t on e. I sa y a lwa ys; for , t h ou gh t h er e m a y be t im es wh en
we a r e pr even t ed by va r iou s h in dr a n ces, a n d even by illn ess, fr om spen din g m u ch
t im e a lon e, t h er e a r e plen t y of ot h er s wh en we a r e in su fficien t ly good h ea lt h t o do
so. An d even despit e illn ess, or ot h er h in dr a n ces, we ca n st ill en ga ge in t r u e pr a yer ,
wh en t h er e is love in t h e sou l, by offer in g u p t h a t ver y im pedim en t , r em em ber in g
H im for Wh om we su ffer it a n d bein g r esign ed t o it a n d t o a t h ou sa n d ot h er t h in gs
wh ich m a y h a ppen t o u s. It is h er e t h a t love com es in ; for we a r e n ot n ecessa r ily
pr a yin g wh en we a r e a lon e, n or n eed we r efr a in fr om pr a yin g wh en we a r e n ot .
Wit h a lit t le ca r e, gr ea t blessin gs ca n be a cqu ir ed a t t im es wh en t h e Lor d depr ives
u s of ou r h ou r s of pr a yer by sen din g u s t r ia ls; a n d t h is I h a d m yself fou n d t o be t h e
ca se wh en m y con scien ce h a d been good. Bu t m y fa t h er , h oldin g t h e opin ion of m e

96 [H a r dly qu it e so lon g, a s] it seem s cer t a in t h a t Don Alon so died on Decem ber 24, 1543. H is will is
da t ed Decem ber 3, 1543, a n d h is son a n d execu t or Lor en zo open ed it on Decem ber 26 [P . Silver io
r epr odu ces docu m en t s wh ich dispr ove Mir 's da t e of 1545 for Don Alon so's dea t h ].
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t h a t h e did a n d lovin g m e a s h e did, believed ever yt h in g I t old h im a n d in fa ct wa s

sor r y for m e. As h e h a d n ow r ea ch ed su ch a h igh st a t e of pr a yer h e u sed n ot t o st a y
wit h m e for so lon g, bu t a ft er h e h a d seen m e wou ld go a wa y, sa yin g t h a t h e wa s
wa st in g h is t im e. As I wa s wa st in g m in e on ot h er va n it ies, t h is r em a r k m a de lit t le
im pr ession u pon m e. Th er e wer e ot h er per son s, a s well a s m y fa t h er , wh om I t r ied
t o lea d in t o t h e pr a ct ice of pr a yer . In du lgin g in va n it ies m yself t h ou gh I wa s, wh en I
sa w people wh o wer e fon d of sa yin g t h eir pr a yer s, I wou ld sh ow t h em h ow t o m a ke a
m edit a t ion a n d h elp t h em a n d give t h em books; for ever sin ce I bega n t o pr a y, a s I
h a ve sa id, I h a d t h is desir e t h a t ot h er s sh ou ld ser ve God. An d n ow t h a t I wa s n o
lon ger ser vin g t h e Lor d a ccor din g t o m y a bilit y, I t h ou gh t t h a t t h e kn owledge wh ich
H is Ma jest y h a d given m e ou gh t n ot t o be lost a n d wa n t ed ot h er s t o lea r n t o ser ve
H im t h r ou gh m e. I sa y t h is in or der t o sh ow h ow gr ea t wa s m y blin dn ess, wh ich
a llowed m e t o do su ch h a r m t o m yself a n d yet t o t r y t o be of pr ofit t o ot h er s.
It wa s a t t h is t im e t h a t m y fa t h er wa s st r icken by t h e illn ess of wh ich h e died. It
la st ed for som e da ys. I wen t t o look a ft er h im , m or e a fflict ed in sou l t h a n h e in body,
on a ccou n t of m y va n it ies, t h ou gh , a s fa r a s I wa s a wa r e, I wa s n ever in m or t a l sin
du r in g t h e wh ole of t h is wa st ed t im e of wh ich I a m spea kin g: if I h a d kn own m yself
t o be so I wou ld on n o a ccou n t h a ve con t in u ed in it . I wa s gr ea t ly dist r essed by h is
illn ess a n d I believe I wa s a ble t o r et u r n h im som e pa r t of a ll h e h a d don e for m e
wh en I wa s ill m yself. Dist r essed a s I wa s, I for ced m yself in t o a ct ivit y; a n d t h ou gh
in losin g h im I lost m y gr ea t est blessin g a n d com for t , for h e wa s a lwa ys t h a t t o m e,
I wa s so det er m in ed n ot t o let h im see m y gr ief for a s lon g a s h e lived t h a t I beh a ved
a s if I felt n o gr ief a t a ll. Yet so dea r ly did I love h im t h a t , wh en I sa w h is life wa s
en din g, I felt a s if m y ver y sou l wer e bein g t or n fr om m e.
Th e Lor d m u st be pr a ised for t h e dea t h wh ich h e died, for h is desir e t o die, for t h e
a dvice wh ich h e ga ve u s a ft er r eceivin g E xt r em e Un ct ion , a n d for t h e wa y h e
ch a r ged u s t o com m en d h im t o God, t o pr a y for m er cy u pon h im a n d t o ser ve God
a lwa ys, r em em ber in g h ow a ll t h in gs com e t o a n en d. H e t old u s wit h t ea r s h ow
deeply gr ieved h e wa s t h a t h e h a d n ot ser ved God bet t er : h e wou ld h a ve liked t o be
a fr ia r -- a n d by t h a t I m ea n t o h a ve join ed on e of t h e st r ict est Or der s in exist en ce. I
a m qu it e su r e t h a t a for t n igh t befor e h is dea t h t h e Lor d h a d m a de h im r ea lize t h a t
h e wou ld n ot live m u ch lon ger ; for down t o t h a t t im e, ill t h ou gh h e wa s, h e h a d n ot
believed h e wou ld die. Bu t du r in g t h a t la st for t n igh t , t h ou gh h e got m u ch bet t er a n d
t h e doct or s t old h im so, h e t ook n o n ot ice of t h em bu t occu pied h im self in pu t t in g h is
sou l r igh t wit h God.
H is ch ief a ilm en t wa s a m ost a cu t e pa in in t h e ba ck, wh ich n ever left h im : a t t im es
it wa s so sever e t h a t it ca u sed h im gr ea t a n gu ish . I sa id t o h im t h a t , a s h e u sed t o
t h in k so devou t ly of t h e Lor d ca r r yin g t h e Cr oss on H is ba ck, h e m u st su ppose H is
Ma jest y wish ed h im t o feel som et h in g of wh a t H e H im self h a d su ffer ed u n der t h a t
t r ia l. Th is com for t ed h im so m u ch t h a t I do n ot t h in k I ever h ea r d h im com pla in
a ga in . F or t h r ee da ys h e wa s pr a ct ica lly u n con sciou s; bu t , on t h e da y of h is dea t h ,
t h e Lor d r est or ed h is con sciou sn ess so com plet ely t h a t we wer e a st on ish ed, a n d h e
r em a in ed con sciou s u n t il, h a lf-wa y t h r ou gh t h e Cr eed, wh ich h e wa s r epea t in g t o
h im self, h e died. H e looked like a n a n gel; a n d so h e seem ed t o m e, a s on e m igh t sa y,
bot h in h is sou l a n d in h is disposit ion , for h e wa s ver y good. I do n ot kn ow wh y I
h a ve sa id t h is, u n less it be t o bla m e m yself t h e m or e for m y wicked life; for , a ft er
wit n essin g su ch a dea t h a n d r ea lizin g wh a t h is life h a d been , I ou gh t t o h a ve t r ied
t o do som et h in g t o r esem ble su ch a fa t h er by gr owin g bet t er . H is con fessor , wh o wa s
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a Dom in ica n 97 a n d a ver y lea r n ed m a n , u sed t o sa y t h a t h e h a d n ot t h e lea st dou bt

h e h a d gon e st r a igh t t o H ea ven ; h e h a d been h is con fessor for som e yea r s a n d spoke
h igh ly of h is pu r it y of con scien ce.
Th is Dom in ica n fa t h er , wh o wa s a ver y good m a n a n d h a d a gr ea t fea r of God, wa s
of t h e ver y gr ea t est h elp t o m e. I m a de m y con fession s t o h im a n d h e t ook gr ea t
pa in s t o lea d m y sou l a r igh t a n d m a ke m e r ea lize h ow n ea r I wa s t o per dit ion . H e
m a de m e com m u n ica t e on ce a for t n igh t ; a n d gr a du a lly, a s I got t o kn ow h im , I
bega n t o t ell h im a bou t m y pr a yer s. H e t old m e n ever t o lea ve t h ese off, for t h ey
cou ld n ot possibly do m e a n yt h in g bu t good. So I bega n t o t a ke t h em u p on ce m or e
(t h ou gh I did n ot flee fr om occa sion s of sin ) a n d I n ever a ga in a ba n don ed t h em . My
life beca m e fu ll of t r ia ls, beca u se by m ea n s of pr a yer I lea r n ed m or e a n d m or e a bou t
m y fa u lt s. On t h e on e h a n d, God wa s ca llin g m e. On t h e ot h er , I wa s followin g t h e
wor ld. All t h e t h in gs of God ga ve m e gr ea t plea su r e, yet I wa s t ied a n d bou n d t o
t h ose of t h e wor ld. It seem ed a s if I wa n t ed t o r econ cile t h ese t wo con t r a dict or y
t h in gs, so com plet ely opposed t o on e a n ot h er -- t h e life of t h e spir it a n d t h e
plea su r es a n d joys a n d pa st im es of t h e sen ses. I su ffer ed gr ea t t r ia ls in pr a yer , for
t h e spir it wa s n ot m a st er in m e, bu t sla ve. I cou ld n ot , t h er efor e, sh u t m yself u p
wit h in m yself (t h e pr ocedu r e in wh ich con sist ed m y wh ole m et h od of pr a yer )
wit h ou t a t t h e sa m e t im e sh u t t in g in a t h ou sa n d va n it ies. I spen t m a n y yea r s in
t h is wa y, a n d n ow I a m a m a zed t h a t a per son cou ld h a ve gon e on for so lon g wit h ou t
givin g u p eit h er t h e on e or t h e ot h er . I kn ow qu it e well t h a t by t h a t t im e it wa s n o
lon ger in m y power t o give u p pr a yer , beca u se H e wh o desir ed m e for H is own in
or der t o sh ow m e gr ea t er fa vou r s h eld m e H im self in H is h a n d.
Oh , God h elp m e! If on ly I cou ld descr ibe t h e occa sion s of sin du r in g t h ese yea r s
fr om wh ich God deliver ed m e, a n d t ell h ow I plu n ged in t o t h em a ga in a n d h ow H e
con t in u a lly sa ved m e fr om t h e da n ger of losin g m y en t ir e r epu t a t ion ! I wou ld sh ow
by m y a ct ion s t h e kin d of per son I wa s; yet t h e Lor d wou ld h ide t h e wr on gs I did
a n d r evea l som e sm a ll vir t u e, if I h a d a n y, a n d m a gn ify it in t h e eyes of a ll, so t h a t
people in va r ia bly h a d a h igh opin ion of m e. F or , a lt h ou gh m y va n it ies wer e
som et im es cr yst a l-clea r , t h ey wou ld n ot believe t h em t o be su ch wh en t h ey obser ved
ot h er t h in gs in m e wh ich t h ey con sider ed good. Th is h a ppen ed beca u se H e Wh o
kn ows a ll t h in gs sa w it t o be n ecessa r y, in or der t h a t h er ea ft er I m igh t be given
som e cr eden ce wh en spea kin g of t h in gs t h a t con cer n H is ser vice. H is sover eign
bou n t y r ega r ded n ot m y gr ea t sin s bu t t h e desir es wh ich I so oft en h a d t o ser ve H im
a n d m y gr ief a t n ot h a vin g in m yself t h e st r en gt h t o t u r n t h e desir es in t o a ct ion s.
O Lor d of m y sou l! H ow ca n I m a gn ify t h e fa vou r s wh ich Th ou didst best ow u pon m e
du r in g t h ese yea r s? An d h ow, a t t h e ver y t im e wh en I wa s offen din g Th ee m ost
sor ely, didst Th ou su dden ly pr epa r e m e, by t h e deepest r epen t a n ce, t o t a st e Th y
fa vou r s a n d gr a ces! In t r u t h , m y Kin g, Th ou didst ch oose t h e m ost delica t e a n d
gr ievou s ch a st isem en t t h a t I cou ld possibly h a ve t o bea r , for well didst Th ou kn ow
wh a t wou ld ca u se m e t h e gr ea t est pa in . Th ou didst ch a st ise m y fa u lt s wit h gr ea t
fa vou r s. An d I do n ot believe I a m spea kin g foolish ly, t h ou gh well m igh t I becom e
dist r a u gh t wh en I r eca ll t o m in d m y in gr a t it u de a n d wickedn ess. In t h e con dit ion I
wa s in a t t h a t t im e, it wa s m u ch m or e pa in fu l for m e, wh en I h a d fa llen in t o
gr ievou s fa u lt s, t o be given fa vou r s, t h a n t o be given pu n ish m en t s. A sin gle on e of
t h ese fa u lt s, I feel su r e, t r ou bled a n d con fou n ded a n d dist r essed m e m or e t h a n
m a n y sickn esses a n d m a n y ot h er gr ievou s t r ia ls a ll pu t t oget h er . F or t h ese la st I
kn ew t h a t I deser ved a n d t h ou gh t t h a t by t h em I wa s m a kin g som e a m en ds for m y

97 P . Vicen t e Ba r r ón [cf. p. 27, n . 2].

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sin s, a lt h ou gh m y sin s wer e so n u m er ou s t h a t ever yt h in g I cou ld do wa s ver y lit t le.

Bu t wh en I fin d m yself r eceivin g n ew fa vou r s, a ft er m a kin g so poor a r et u r n for
t h ose I h a ve r eceived a lr ea dy, I exper ien ce a kin d of t or t u r e wh ich is t er r ible t o m e,
a s I t h in k it m u st be t o a ll wh o h a ve a n y kn owledge or love of God. We ca n dedu ce
ou r own u n wor t h in ess by im a gin in g a st a t e of r ea l vir t u e. Th is a ccou n t s for m y
t ea r s a n d vexa t ion wh en I t ook st ock of m y own feelin gs, a n d r ea lized t h a t I wa s in
su ch a st a t e a s t o be on t h e poin t of fa llin g a ga in a n d a ga in , t h ou gh m y r esolu t ion s
a n d desir es -- a t t h a t t im e, I m ea n -- wer e qu it e st ea dfa st .
It is a gr ea t evil for a sou l beset by so m a n y da n ger s t o be a lon e. I believe, if I h a d
h a d a n yon e wit h wh om t o discu ss a ll t h is, it wou ld h a ve h elped m e n ot t o fa ll a ga in ,
if on ly beca u se I sh ou ld h a ve been a sh a m ed in h is sigh t , wh ich I wa s n ot in t h e
sigh t of God. F or t h is r ea son I wou ld a dvise t h ose wh o pr a ct ise pr a yer , especia lly a t
fir st , t o cu lt iva t e fr ien dsh ip a n d in t er cou r se wit h ot h er s of sim ila r in t er est s. Th is is
a m ost im por t a n t t h in g, if on ly beca u se we ca n h elp ea ch ot h er by ou r pr a yer s, a n d
it is a ll t h e m or e so beca u se it m a y br in g u s m a n y ot h er ben efit s. Sin ce people ca n
fin d com for t in t h e con ver sa t ion a n d h u m a n sym pa t h y of or din a r y fr ien dsh ips, even
wh en t h ese a r e n ot a lt oget h er good, I do n ot kn ow wh y a n yon e wh o is begin n in g t o
love a n d ser ve God in ea r n est sh ou ld n ot be a llowed t o discu ss h is joys a n d t r ia ls
wit h ot h er s -- a n d people wh o pr a ct ise pr a yer h a ve plen t y of bot h . F or , if t h e
fr ien dsh ip wh ich su ch a per son desir es t o h a ve wit h H is Ma jest y is t r u e fr ien dsh ip,
h e n eed n ot be a fr a id of becom in g va in glor iou s: a s soon a s t h e fir st m ot ion of
va in glor y a t t a cks h im , h e will r epel it , a n d, in doin g so, ga in m er it . I believe t h a t
a n yon e wh o discu sses t h e su bject wit h t h is in m in d will pr ofit bot h h im self a n d h is
h ea r er s, a n d will be a ll t h e wiser for it ; a n d, wit h ou t r ea lizin g h e is doin g so, will
edify h is fr ien ds.
An yon e wh o cou ld becom e va in glor iou s t h r ou gh discu ssin g t h ese m a t t er s wou ld
becom e equ a lly so by h ea r in g Ma ss wit h devot ion in a pla ce wh er e people ca n see
h im , a n d by doin g ot h er t h in gs wh ich h e is obliged t o do u n der pa in of bein g n o
Ch r ist ia n a t a ll: h e ca n n ot possibly r efr a in fr om doin g t h ese t h r ou gh fea r of
va in glor y. Th is is a lso m ost im por t a n t for sou ls wh ich a r e n ot st r en gt h en ed in
vir t u e; t h ey h a ve so m a n y en em ies a n d fr ien ds t o in cit e t h em t o do wh a t is wr on g
t h a t I ca n n ot in sist u pon it su fficien t ly. It seem s t o m e t h a t t h is scr u ple is a n
in ven t ion of t h e devil, wh o fin ds it ext r em ely va lu a ble. H e u ses it t o per su a de t h ose
wh o a r e a n xiou s t o t r y t o love a n d plea se God t o h ide t h eir good desir es, wh ile
in cit in g ot h er s, wh ose wills a r e evilly in clin ed, t o r evea l t h eir wr on g in t en t ion s. Th is
h a ppen s so fr equ en t ly t h a t people n ow seem t o glor y in it a n d t h e offen ces
com m it t ed in t h is wa y a ga in st God a r e pu blish ed open ly.
I do n ot kn ow if t h e t h in gs I a m sa vin g a r e n on sen se: if so, You r Rever en ce m u st
er a se t h em ; if n ot , I beg you t o h elp m y sim plicit y by a ddin g t o t h em fr eely. F or
people t r ou ble so lit t le a bou t t h in gs per t a in in g t o t h e ser vice of God t h a t we m u st
a ll ba ck ea ch ot h er u p 98 if t h ose of u s wh o ser ve H im a r e t o m a ke pr ogr ess. P eople
t h in k it a good t h in g t o follow t h e plea su r es a n d va n it ies of t h e wor ld a n d t h er e a r e
few wh o look a ska n ce a t t h ese; bu t if a sin gle per son begin s t o devot e h im self t o
God, t h er e a r e so m a n y t o spea k ill of h im t h a t self-defen ce com pels h im t o seek t h e
com pa n ion sh ip of ot h er s u n t il h e is st r on g en ou gh n ot t o be depr essed by su ffer in g.
Un less h e does t h is h e will fin d h im self in con t in u a l difficu lt ies. It m u st h a ve been
for t h is r ea son , I t h in k, t h a t som e of t h e sa in t s wer e in t h e h a bit of goin g in t o t h e
deser t . It is a kin d of h u m ilit y for a m a n n ot t o t r u st h im self bu t t o believe t h a t God

98 [Th e m et a ph or , h acerse espald as, is St . Ter esa 's.]

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will h elp h im in dea lin g wit h t h ose wit h wh om h e h a s in t er cou r se. Ch a r it y gr ows
wh en it is com m u n ica t ed t o ot h er s a n d fr om t h is t h er e r esu lt a t h ou sa n d blessin gs. I
sh ou ld n ot da r e t o sa y t h is if I h a d n ot h a d a gr ea t dea l of exper ien ce of it s
im por t a n ce. It is t r u e t h a t of a ll wh o a r e bor n I a m t h e wea kest a n d wickedest ; bu t I
believe t h a t a n yon e, h owever st r on g, wh o h u m bles h im self a n d t r u st s n ot in h im self
bu t in som eon e wh o h a s exper ien ce, will lose n ot h in g. As r ega r ds m yself, I ca n sa y
t h a t , if t h e Lor d h a d n ot r evea led t h is t r u t h t o m e a n d given m e t h e m ea n s of
spea kin g ver y fr equ en t ly wit h people wh o pr a ct ise pr a yer , I sh ou ld h a ve gon e on
r isin g a n d fa llin g a ga in u n t il I fell r igh t in t o h ell. F or I h a d m a n y fr ien ds wh o
h elped m e t o fa ll; bu t , wh en it ca m e t o r isin g a ga in , I fou n d m yself so com plet ely
a lon e t h a t I m a r vel n ow t h a t I did n ot r em a in wh er e I wa s, a n d I pr a ise t h e m er cy
of God, Wh o a lon e ga ve m e H is h a n d. Ma y H e be blessed for ever . Am en .

CHAP TER VIII

T reats of th e great ben efit w h ich sh e d erived from n ot en tirely givin g u p
prayer lest sh e sh ou ld ru in h er sou l. Describes th e excellen ce of prayer
as a h elp tow ard s regain in g w h at on e h as lost. Urges all to practise it.
S ays w h at great gain it brin gs an d h ow great a ben efit it is, even for
th ose w h o m ay later give it u p, to spen d som e tim e on a th in g w h ich is
so good .

It is n ot wit h ou t r ea son t h a t I h a ve dwelt u pon t h is per iod of m y life a t su ch len gt h .

I kn ow well t h a t n obody will der ive a n y plea su r e fr om r ea din g a bou t a n yon e so
wicked, a n d I sin cer ely h ope t h a t t h ose wh o r ea d t h is will h old m e in a bh or r en ce,
wh en t h ey see t h a t a sou l wh ich h a d r eceived su ch gr ea t fa vou r s cou ld be so
obst in a t e a n d u n gr a t efu l. I wish I cou ld be a llowed t o descr ibe t h e m a n y occa sion s
on wh ich I fa iled God du r in g t h is per iod t h r ou gh n ot h a vin g lea n ed u pon t h is st r on g
pilla r of pr a yer .
I spen t n ea r ly t wen t y yea r s on t h a t st or m y sea , oft en fa llin g in t h is wa y a n d ea ch
t im e r isin g a ga in , bu t t o lit t le pu r pose, a s I wou ld on ly fa ll on ce m or e. My life wa s so
fa r fr om per fect ion t h a t I t ook h a r dly a n y n ot ice of ven ia l sin s; a s t o m or t a l sin s,
a lt h ou gh a fr a id of t h em , I wa s n ot so m u ch so a s I ou gh t t o h a ve been ; for I did n ot
keep fr ee fr om t h e da n ger of fa llin g in t o t h em . I ca n t est ify t h a t t h is is on e of t h e
m ost gr ievou s kin ds of life wh ich I t h in k ca n be im a gin ed, for I h a d n eit h er a n y joy
in God n or a n y plea su r e in t h e wor ld. Wh en I wa s in t h e m idst of wor ldly plea su r es,
I wa s dist r essed by t h e r em em br a n ce of wh a t I owed t o God; wh en I wa s wit h God, I
gr ew r est less beca u se of wor ldly a ffect ion s. Th is is so gr ievou s a con flict t h a t I do
n ot kn ow h ow I m a n a ged t o en du r e it for a m on t h , m u ch less for so m a n y yea r s.
Never t h eless, I ca n see h ow gr ea t wa s t h e Lor d's m er cy t o m e, sin ce, wh ile I wa s
st ill h a vin g in t er cou r se wit h t h e wor ld, H e ga ve m e cou r a ge t o pr a ct ise pr a yer . I sa y
cou r a ge, beca u se I kn ow n ot h in g in t h e wor ld t h a t n eeds m or e of t h is t h a n t o be
dea lin g t r ea ch er ou sly wit h t h e Kin g a n d t o kn ow t h a t H e is a wa r e of it a n d yet
n ever t o lea ve H is pr esen ce. F or , a lt h ou gh we a r e a lwa ys in t h e pr esen ce of God, it
seem s t o m e t h a t t h ose wh o pr a ct ise pr a yer a r e specia lly so, beca u se t h ey ca n see a ll
t h e t im e t h a t H e is lookin g a t t h em ; wh er ea s ot h er s m a y be in God's pr esen ce for
sever a l da ys wit h ou t ever r em em ber in g t h a t H e ca n see t h em .
It is t r u e t h a t , du r in g t h ese yea r s, t h er e wer e m a n y m on t h s -- on ce, I believe, t h er e
wa s a s m u ch a s a wh ole yea r -- in wh ich I kept m yself fr om offen din g t h e Lor d,
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devot ed m yself ea r n est ly t o pr a yer a n d t ook va r iou s a n d ver y ca r efu l pr eca u t ion s
n ot t o offen d H im . As a ll t h a t I h a ve wr it t en is set down in t h e st r ict est t r u t h , I a m
sa yin g t h is n ow. Bu t I r em em ber lit t le a bou t t h ese good da ys, so t h er e ca n h a ve
been few of t h em , wh er ea s t h e ba d on es m u st h a ve been n u m er ou s. Yet n ot m a n y
da ys wou ld pa ss wit h ou t m y spen din g lon g per iods in pr a yer , u n less I wa s ver y ill or
ver y bu sy. Wh en I wa s ill, I wa s n ea r er t o God; a n d I con t r ived t h a t t h e per son s wh o
wer e a r ou n d m e sh ou ld be n ea r H im t oo a n d I begged t h e Lor d t h a t t h is m igh t be so
a n d oft en spoke of H im . So, n ot cou n t in g t h e yea r I h a ve r efer r ed t o, m or e t h a n
eigh t een of t h e t wen t y-eigh t yea r s wh ich h a ve gon e by sin ce I bega n pr a yer h a ve
been spen t in t h is ba t t le a n d con flict wh ich a r ose fr om m y h a vin g r ela t ion s bot h
wit h God a n d wit h t h e wor ld. Du r in g t h e r em a in in g yea r s, of wh ich I h a ve st ill t o
spea k, t h e con flict h a s n ot been ligh t , bu t it s ca u ses h a ve ch a n ged; a s I believe I
h a ve been ser vin g God a n d h a ve com e t o kn ow t h e va n it y in h er en t in t h e wor ld,
ever yt h in g h a s gon e sm oot h ly, a s I sh a ll sa y la t er .
Now t h e r ea son wh y I h a ve r ela t ed a ll t h is is, a s I h a ve a lr ea dy sa id, t o m a ke
eviden t God's m er cy a n d m y own in gr a t it u de. An ot h er r ea son is t o sh ow wh a t gr ea t
blessin gs God gr a n t s t o a sou l wh en H e pr epa r es it t o love t h e pr a ct ice of pr a yer ,
t h ou gh it m a y n ot be a s well pr epa r ed a lr ea dy a s it sh ou ld be; a n d h ow, if t h a t sou l
per sever es, n ot wit h st a n din g t h e sin s, t em pt a t ion s a n d fa lls of a t h ou sa n d kin ds in t o
wh ich t h e devil lea ds it , t h e Lor d, I a m cer t a in , will br in g it t o t h e h a r bou r of
sa lva t ion , ju st a s, so fa r a s ca n a t pr esen t be t old, H e h a s br ou gh t m e. Ma y H is
Ma jest y gr a n t t h a t I m a y n ever a ga in be lost .
Th e blessin gs possessed by on e wh o pr a ct ises pr a yer -- I m ea n m en t a l pr a yer -- h a ve
been wr it t en of by m a n y sa in t s a n d good m en . Glor y be t o God for t h is! If it wer e n ot
so, I sh ou ld n ot h a ve a ssu r a n ce en ou gh (t h ou gh I a m n ot ver y h u m ble) t o da r e t o
spea k of it . I ca n sa y wh a t I kn ow by exper ien ce -- n a m ely, t h a t n o on e wh o h a s
begu n t h is pr a ct ice, h owever m a n y sin s h e m a y com m it , sh ou ld ever for sa ke it . F or
it is t h e m ea n s by wh ich we m a y a m en d ou r lives a ga in , a n d wit h ou t it a m en dm en t
will be ver y m u ch h a r der . So let h im n ot be t em pt ed by t h e devil, a s I wa s, t o give it
u p for r ea son s of h u m ilit y, bu t let h im believe t h a t t h e wor ds ca n n ot fa il of H im
Wh o sa ys t h a t , if we t r u ly r epen t a n d det er m in e n ot t o offen d H im , H e will r esu m e
H is for m er fr ien dsh ip wit h u s a n d gr a n t u s t h e fa vou r s wh ich H e gr a n t ed a for et im e,
a n d som et im es m a n y m or e, if ou r r epen t a n ce m er it s it . 99 An d a n yon e wh o h a s n ot
begu n t o pr a y, I beg, for love of t h e Lor d, n ot t o m iss so gr ea t a blessin g. Th er e is n o
pla ce h er e for fea r , bu t on ly desir e. F or , even if a per son fa ils t o m a ke pr ogr ess, or t o
st r ive a ft er per fect ion , so t h a t h e m a y m er it t h e con sola t ion s a n d fa vou r s given t o
t h e per fect by God, yet h e will gr a du a lly ga in a kn owledge of t h e r oa d t o H ea ven .
An d if h e per sever es, I h ope in t h e m er cy of God, Wh om n o on e h a s ever t a ken for a
F r ien d wit h ou t bein g r ewa r ded; a n d m en t a l pr a yer , in m y view, is n ot h in g bu t
fr ien dly in t er cou r se, a n d fr equ en t solit a r y con ver se, wit h H im Wh o we kn ow loves
u s. If love is t o be t r u e a n d fr ien dsh ip la st in g, cer t a in con dit ion s a r e n ecessa r y: on
t h e Lor d's side we kn ow t h ese ca n n ot fa il, bu t ou r n a t u r e is viciou s, sen su a l a n d
u n gr a t efu l. You ca n n ot t h er efor e su cceed in lovin g H im a s m u ch a s H e loves you ,
beca u se it is n ot in you r n a t u r e t o do so. If, t h en , you do n ot yet love H im , you will
r ea lize h ow m u ch it m ea n s t o you t o h a ve H is fr ien dsh ip a n d h ow m u ch H e loves

99 [An a ppa r en t r efer en ce t o E zech iel xviii, 21.]

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you , a n d you will gla dly en du r e t h e t r ou bles wh ich a r ise fr om bein g 100 so m u ch wit h
On e Wh o is so differ en t fr om you .
O in fin it e goodn ess of m y God! It is t h u s t h a t I seem t o see bot h m yself a n d Th ee. O
J oy of t h e a n gels, h ow I lon g, wh en I t h in k of t h is, t o be wh olly con su m ed in love for
Th ee! H ow t r u e it is t h a t Th ou dost bea r wit h t h ose wh o ca n n ot bea r Th ee t o be
wit h t h em ! Oh , h ow good a F r ien d a r t Th ou , m y Lor d! H ow Th ou dost com for t u s
a n d su ffer u s a n d wa it u n t il ou r n a t u r e becom es m or e like Th in e a n d m ea n wh ile
dost bea r wit h it a s it is! Th ou dost r em em ber t h e t im es wh en we love Th ee, m y
Lor d, a n d, wh en for a m om en t we r epen t , Th ou dost for get h ow we h a ve offen ded
Th ee. I h a ve seen t h is clea r ly in m y own life, a n d I ca n n ot con ceive, m y Cr ea t or ,
wh y t h e wh ole wor ld does n ot st r ive t o dr a w n ea r t o Th ee in t h is in t im a t e
fr ien dsh ip. Th ose of u s wh o a r e wicked, a n d wh ose n a t u r e is n ot like Th in e, ou gh t t o
dr a w n ea r t o Th ee so t h a t Th ou m a yest m a ke t h em good. Th ey sh ou ld a llow Th ee t o
be wit h t h em for a t lea st t wo h ou r s ea ch da y, even t h ou gh t h ey m a y n ot be wit h
Th ee, bu t a r e per plexed, a s I wa s, wit h a t h ou sa n d wor ldly ca r es a n d t h ou gh t s. In
exch a n ge for t h e effor t wh ich it cost s t h em t o desir e t o be in su ch good com pa n y (for
Th ou kn owest , Lor d, t h a t a t fir st t h is is a s m u ch a s t h ey ca n do a n d som et im es t h ey
ca n do n o m or e a t a ll) Th ou dost pr even t t h e devils fr om a ssa u lt in g t h em so t h a t
ea ch da y t h ey a r e a ble t o do t h em less h a r m , a n d Th ou givest t h em st r en gt h t o
con qu er . Yea , Life of a ll lives, Th ou sla yest n on e of t h ose t h a t pu t t h eir t r u st in
Th ee a n d desir e Th ee for t h eir F r ien d; r a t h er dost Th ou su st a in t h eir bodily life
wit h gr ea t er h ea lt h a n d give life t o t h eir sou ls.
I do n ot u n der st a n d t h e fea r s of t h ose wh o a r e a fr a id t o begin m en t a l pr a yer : I do
n ot kn ow wh a t t h ey a r e a fr a id of. Th e devil does well t o in st il fea r in t o u s so t h a t h e
m a y do u s r ea l h a r m . By m a kin g m e a fr a id h e st ops m e fr om t h in kin g of t h e wa ys in
wh ich I h a ve offen ded God a n d of a ll I owe H im a n d of t h e r ea lit y of h ell a n d of glor y
a n d of t h e gr ea t t r ia ls a n d gr iefs wh ich H e su ffer ed for m e. Th a t wa s t h e wh ole
ext en t of m y pr a yer , a n d r em a in ed so for a s lon g a s I wa s su bject t o t h ese per ils,
a n d it wa s a bou t t h ese t h in gs t h a t I u sed t o t h in k wh en ever I cou ld; a n d ver y oft en ,
over a per iod of sever a l yea r s, I wa s m or e occu pied in wish in g m y h ou r of pr a yer
wer e over , a n d in list en in g wh en ever t h e clock st r u ck, t h a n in t h in kin g of t h in gs
t h a t wer e good. Aga in a n d a ga in I wou ld r a t h er h a ve don e a n y sever e pen a n ce t h a t
m igh t h a ve been given m e t h a n pr a ct ise r ecollect ion a s a pr elim in a r y t o pr a yer . It is
a fa ct t h a t , eit h er t h r ou gh t h e in t oler a ble power of t h e devil's a ssa u lt s or beca u se of
m y own ba d h a bit s, I did n ot a t on ce bet a ke m yself t o pr a yer ; a n d wh en ever I
en t er ed t h e or a t or y I u sed t o feel so depr essed t h a t I h a d t o su m m on u p a ll m y
cou r a ge t o m a ke m yself pr a y a t a ll. (P eople sa y t h a t I h a ve lit t le cou r a ge, a n d it is
clea r t h a t God h a s given m e m u ch m or e t h a n t o m ost wom en , on ly I h a ve m a de ba d
u se of it .) In t h e en d, t h e Lor d wou ld com e t o m y h elp. Aft er wa r ds, wh en I h a d
for ced m yself t o pr a y, I wou ld fin d t h a t I h a d m or e t r a n qu illit y a n d h a ppin ess t h a n
a t cer t a in ot h er t im es wh en I h a d pr a yed beca u se I h a d wa n t ed t o.
Now if t h e Lor d bor e for so lon g wit h su ch a wicked cr ea t u r e a s I -- a n d it is qu it e
clea r t h a t it wa s in t h is wa y t h a t a ll m y wr on g wa s pu t r igh t -- wh a t ot h er per son ,
h owever wicked h e m a y be, ca n h a ve a n y r ea son for fea r ? F or , ba d t h ou gh h e be, h e
will n ot r em a in so for a ll t h e yea r s I did a ft er h a vin g r eceived so m a n y fa vou r s fr om
t h e Lor d. Wh o ca n possibly despa ir , wh en H e bor e so lon g wit h m e, m er ely beca u se I

100 [L it.: "t h e gr ief (pen a) of bein g . . . ." "Discom for t ," "em ba r r a ssm en t ," "depr ession " wou ld be
m oder n equ iva len t s of t h e su bst a n t ive, bu t n on e of t h ese is su fficien t ly com pr eh en sive. St . Ter esa is
r efer r in g t o a ll t h e va r ied r ea ct ion s pr odu ced in m a n by t h e con t a ct bet ween h is lit t len ess a n d t h e
gr ea t n ess of God.]
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desir ed a n d sou gh t ou t som e pla ce a n d t im e for H im t o be wit h m e -- a n d t h a t oft en

h a ppen ed wit h ou t m y willin g it beca u se I for ced m yself t o seek it , or r a t h er t h e Lor d
H im self for ced m e? If, t h en , pr a yer is so good, a n d so n ecessa r y, for t h ose wh o do n ot
ser ve God, bu t offen d H im , a n d if n o on e ca n possibly discover a n y h a r m t h a t pr a yer
ca n do h im wh ich wou ld n ot be m u ch gr ea t er if h e did n ot pr a ct ise it , wh y sh ou ld
t h ose wh o ser ve a n d desir e t o ser ve God give it u p? Rea lly I ca n n ot see a n y r ea son ,
u n less it is t h a t t h ey wa n t t o en du r e t h e t r ia ls of life by a ddin g m or e t r ia ls t o t h em
a n d t o sh u t t h e door u pon God so t h a t H e sh a ll n ot give t h em t h e joy of pr a yer . I a m
in deed sor r y for su ch people, for t h ey a r e ser vin g God a t gr ea t cost t o t h em selves.
Bu t wh en people pr a ct ise pr a yer t h e Lor d H im self bea r s t h e cost : in exch a n ge for a
lit t le la bou r on t h eir pa r t , H e gives t h em su ch con sola t ion a s will en a ble t h em t o
bea r t h eir t r ia ls.
As I sh a ll h a ve a gr ea t dea l t o sa y a bou t t h ese con sola t ion s wh ich t h e Lor d gives t o
t h ose wh o per sever e in pr a yer , I a m sa yin g n ot h in g h er e: I will on ly obser ve t h a t
pr a yer is t h e door t o t h ose gr ea t fa vou r s wh ich H e h a s best owed u pon m e. On ce t h e
door is closed, I do n ot see h ow H e will best ow t h em ; for , t h ou gh H e m a y wish t o
t a ke H is deligh t in a sou l a n d t o give t h e sou l deligh t , t h er e is n o wa y for H im t o do
so, sin ce H e m u st h a ve it a lon e a n d pu r e, a n d desir ou s of r eceivin g H is fa vou r s. If
we pla ce n u m er ou s h in dr a n ces in H is pa t h , a n d do n ot h in g t o r em ove t h em , h ow
ca n H e com e t o u s? An d yet we wish God t o gr a n t u s gr ea t fa vou r s!
In or der t h a t it m a y be seen wh a t m er cy H e sh owed m e a n d wh a t a gr ea t blessin g it
wa s for m e t h a t I did n ot give u p pr a yer a n d r ea din g, I will n ow descr ibe som et h in g
wh ich it is ver y im por t a n t sh ou ld be u n der st ood -- t h e a ssa u lt s wh ich t h e devil
m a kes u pon a sou l in or der t o con qu er it for h is own , a n d t h e a r t a n d t h e lovin g-
kin dn ess wit h wh ich t h e Lor d en dea vou r s t o br in g it ba ck t o H im self. My r ea der s
will t h en be on t h e wa t ch for t h e per ils for wh ich I wa s n ot wa t ch fu l m yself. An d,
a bove a ll, I beg t h em , for t h e love of Ou r Lor d, a n d for t h e gr ea t love wh er ewit h H e
is con t in u a lly seekin g t o br in g u s ba ck t o H im self, t o be on t h e wa t ch for occa sion s
of sin ; for , on ce- we a r e in t h e m idst of t h ese, we h a ve n o ca u se for con fiden ce, bein g
a t t a cked, a s we a r e, by so m a n y en em ies a n d bein g so wea k wh en it com es t o
defen din g ou r selves.
I wish I kn ew h ow t o descr ibe t h e ca pt ivit y of m y sou l a t t h a t t im e. I fu lly r ea lized
t h a t I wa s a pr ison er , a n d yet I cou ld n ot see h ow, n or cou ld I r ea lly believe t h a t
t h in gs wh ich m y con fessor s did n ot r epr esen t a s bein g ver y ser iou s wer e a s wr on g
a s in m y sou l I felt t h em t o be. On e of t h ese con fessor s, wh en I wen t t o h im wit h a
scr u ple, t old m e t h a t , even if I wer e exper ien cin g h igh con t em pla t ion , su ch
in t er cou r se a n d su ch occa sion s of sin wer e n ot doin g m e a n y h a r m . Th is wa s a t t h e
en d of t h a t per iod, wh en , by t h e gr a ce of God, I wa s wit h dr a win g fa r t h er a n d fa r t h er
fr om gr a ve per ils, t h ou gh I did n ot a lt oget h er flee fr om t h e occa sion s of t h em . Wh en
m y con fessor s sa w t h a t I h a d good desir es a n d wa s spen din g m y t im e in pr a yer ,
t h ey t h ou gh t I wa s doin g a gr ea t dea l. Bu t in m y h ea r t of h ea r t s I kn ew t h a t I wa s
n ot doin g wh a t I wa s bou n d t o do for H im t o Wh om I owed so m u ch . I r egr et n ow a ll
t h a t m y sou l su ffer ed a n d t h e sca n t h elp it h a d fr om a n yon e sa ve God, a n d t h e
n u m er ou s oppor t u n it ies t h a t wer e given it t o in du lge it s pa st im es a n d plea su r es by
t h ose wh o sa id t h a t t h ese wer e la wfu l.
Ser m on s, a ga in , ca u sed m e n o sm a ll t or t u r e, for I wa s ext r em ely fon d of t h em , so
t h a t if I h ea r d a n yon e pr ea ch a good, ea r n est ser m on , I wou ld con ceive a specia l
a ffect ion for h im , wit h ou t in a n y wa y t r yin g t o do so: I do n ot kn ow t o wh a t t h is wa s
du e. A ser m on r a r ely seem ed t o m e so ba d t h a t I fa iled t o list en t o it wit h plea su r e,
even wh en ot h er s wh o h ea r d it con sider ed t h a t t h e pr ea ch in g wa s n ot good. If it
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wer e good, it wa s a ver y specia l r efr esh m en t t o m e. To spea k of God, or t o list en t o

ot h er s spea kin g of H im , h a r dly ever wea r ied m e -- t h is, of cou r se, a ft er I bega n t o
pr a ct ise pr a yer . In on e wa y I u sed t o fin d gr ea t com for t in ser m on s; in a n ot h er , t h ey
wou ld t or t u r e m e, beca u se t h ey wou ld m a ke m e r ea lize t h a t I wa s n ot wh a t I ou gh t
t o be, or a n yt h in g a ppr oa ch in g it . I u sed t o beseech t h e Lor d t o h elp m e; bu t I n ow
believe I m u st h a ve fa iled t o pu t m y wh ole con fiden ce in H is Ma jest y a n d t o h a ve a
com plet e dist r u st in m yself. I sou gh t for a r em edy, a n d t ook gr ea t t r ou ble t o fin d
on e, bu t I cou ld n ot h a ve r ea lized t h a t a ll ou r effor t s a r e u n a va ilin g u n less we
com plet ely give u p h a vin g con fiden ce in ou r selves a n d fix it a ll u pon God. I wa n t ed
t o live, for I kn ew qu it e well t h a t I wa s n ot livin g a t a ll bu t ba t t lin g wit h a sh a dow
of dea t h ; bu t t h er e wa s n o on e t o give m e life a n d I wa s u n a ble t o t a ke it for m yself.
H e Wh o cou ld h a ve given it m e wa s r igh t n ot t o h elp m e, sin ce H e h a d so oft en
br ou gh t m e ba ck t o H im self a n d I h a d a s oft en left H im .

CHAP TER IX
Describes th e m ean s by w h ich th e L ord began to aw ak en h er sou l an d to
give h er ligh t am id su ch great d ark n ess, an d to stren gth en th e virtu es
in h er so th at sh e sh ou ld n ot offen d H im .

By t h is t im e m y sou l wa s gr owin g wea r y, a n d, t h ou gh it desir ed t o r est t h e

m iser a ble h a bit s wh ich n ow en sla ved it wou ld n ot a llow it t o do so. It h a ppen ed
t h a t , en t er in g t h e or a t or y on e da y, I sa w a n im a ge wh ich h a d been pr ocu r ed for a
cer t a in fest iva l t h a t wa s obser ved in t h e h ou se a n d h a d been t a ken t h er e t o be kept
for t h a t pu r pose. It r epr esen t ed Ch r ist sor ely wou n ded;101 a n d so con du cive wa s it
t o devot ion t h a t wh en I looked a t it I wa s deeply m oved t o see H im t h u s, so well did
it pict u r e wh a t H e su ffer ed for u s. So gr ea t wa s m y dist r ess wh en I t h ou gh t h ow ill I
h a d r epa id H im for t h ose wou n ds t h a t I felt a s if m y h ea r t wer e br ea kin g, a n d I
t h r ew m yself down beside H im , sh eddin g floods of t ea r s a n d beggin g H im t o give m e
st r en gt h on ce for a ll so t h a t I m igh t n ot offen d H im .
I h a d a gr ea t devot ion t o t h e glor iou s Ma gda len a n d oft en t h ou gh t of h er con ver sion ,
especia lly wh en I com m u n ica t ed, for , kn owin g t h a t t h e Lor d wa s cer t a in ly wit h in
m e t h en , I wou ld pla ce m yself a t H is feet , t h in kin g t h a t m y t ea r s wou ld n ot be
r eject ed. I did n ot kn ow wh a t I wa s sa yin g; bu t in a llowin g m e t o sh ed t h ose t ea r s
H e wa s ver y gr a ciou s t o m e, sin ce I so soon for got m y gr ief; a n d I u sed t o com m en d
m yself t o t h a t glor iou s Sa in t so t h a t sh e m igh t obt a in pa r don for m e.
Bu t on t h is la st occa sion wh en I sa w t h a t im a ge of wh ich I a m spea kin g, I t h in k I
m u st h a ve m a de gr ea t er pr ogr ess, beca u se I h a d qu it e lost t r u st in m yself a n d wa s
pla cin g a ll m y con fiden ce in God. I believe I t old H im t h en t h a t I wou ld n ot r ise
fr om t h a t spot u n t il H e h a d gr a n t ed m e wh a t I wa s beseech in g of H im . An d I feel
su r e t h a t t h is did m e good, for fr om t h a t t im e on wa r d I bega n t o im pr ove. My
m et h od of pr a yer wa s t h is. As I cou ld n ot r ea son wit h m y m in d, I wou ld t r y t o m a ke
pict u r es of Ch r ist in wa r dly; a n d I u sed t o t h in k I felt bet t er wh en I dwelt on t h ose
pa r t s of H is life wh en H e wa s m ost oft en a lon e. It seem ed t o m e t h a t H is bein g
a lon e a n d a fflict ed, like a per son in n eed, m a de it possible for m e t o a ppr oa ch H im . I

101 Tr a dit ion h a s it t h a t t h is wa s a n E cce H om o, wh ich is st ill ven er a t ed in t h e Con ven t of t h e

In ca r n a t ion , t h ou gh som e wr it er s h a ve descr ibed it a s a r epr esen t a t ion of Ch r ist bou n d t o t h e
Colu m n .
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h a d m a n y sim ple t h ou gh t s of t h is kin d. I wa s pa r t icu la r ly a t t a ch ed t o t h e pr a yer in

t h e Ga r den , wh er e I wou ld go t o keep H im com pa n y. I wou ld t h in k of t h e swea t a n d
of t h e a fflict ion H e en du r ed t h er e. I wish ed I cou ld h a ve wiped t h a t gr ievou s swea t
fr om H is fa ce, bu t I r em em ber t h a t I n ever da r ed t o r esolve t o do so, for t h e gr a vit y
of m y sin s st ood in t h e wa y. I u sed t o r em a in wit h H im t h er e for a s lon g a s m y
t h ou gh t s per m it t ed it : I h a d m a n y t h ou gh t s wh ich t or m en t ed m e.
F or m a n y yea r s, on m ost n igh t s befor e I fell a sleep, wh en I wou ld com m en d m yself
t o God so a s t o sleep well, I u sed t o t h in k for a lit t le of t h a t scen e -- t h e pr a yer in t h e
Ga r den -- a n d t h is even befor e I wa s a n u n , for I wa s t old t h a t m a n y in du lgen ces
cou ld be ga in ed by so doin g; a n d I feel su r e t h a t m y sou l ga in ed a gr ea t dea l in t h is
wa y, beca u se I bega n t o pr a ct ise pr a yer wit h ou t kn owin g wh a t it wa s, a n d t h e ver y
h a bit u a ln ess of t h e cu st om pr even t ed m e fr om a ba n don in g it , ju st a s I n ever
om it t ed m a kin g t h e sign of t h e Cr oss befor e goin g t o sleep.
To r et u r n n ow t o wh a t I wa s sa yin g a bou t t h e t or t u r e ca u sed m e by m y t h ou gh t s:
t h is m et h od of pr a yin g in wh ich t h e m in d m a kes n o r eflect ion s m ea n s t h a t t h e sou l
m u st eit h er ga in a gr ea t dea l or lose it self -- I m ea n by it s a t t en t ion goin g a st r a y. 102
If it a dva n ces, it goes a lon g wa y, beca u se it is m oved by love. Bu t t h ose wh o a r r ive
t h u s fa r will do so on ly a t gr ea t cost t o t h em selves, sa ve wh en t h e Lor d is plea sed t o
ca ll t h em ver y speedily t o t h e P r a yer of Qu iet , a s H e h a s ca lled a few people wh om I
kn ow. It is a good t h in g for t h ose wh o follow t h is m et h od t o h a ve a book a t h a n d, so
t h a t t h ey m a y qu ickly r ecollect t h em selves. It u sed a lso t o h elp m e t o look a t a field,
or wa t er , or flower s. Th ese r em in ded m e of t h e Cr ea t or -- I m ea n , t h ey a wa ken ed
m e, h elped m e t o r ecollect m yself a n d t h u s ser ved m e a s a book; t h ey r em in ded m e,
t oo, of m y in gr a t it u de a n d sin s. Bu t wh en it ca m e t o h ea ven ly t h in gs, or t o a n y
su blim e su bject , m y m in d wa s so st u pid t h a t I cou ld n ever im a gin e t h em a t a ll, u n t il
t h e Lor d sh owed t h em t o m e in a n ot h er wa y.
I h a d so lit t le a bilit y for pict u r in g t h in gs in m y m in d t h a t if I did n ot a ct u a lly see a
t h in g I cou ld n ot u se m y im a gin a t ion , a s ot h er people do, wh o ca n m a ke pict u r es t o
t h em selves a n d so becom e r ecollect ed. Of Ch r ist a s Ma n I cou ld on ly t h in k: h owever
m u ch I r ea d a bou t H is bea u t y a n d h owever oft en I looked a t pict u r es of H im , I cou ld
n ever for m a n y pict u r e of H im m yself. I wa s like a per son wh o is blin d, or in t h e
da r k: h e m a y be t a lkin g t o som eon e, a n d kn ow t h a t h e is wit h h im , beca u se h e is
qu it e su r e h e is t h er e -- I m ea n , h e u n der st a n ds a n d believes h e is t h er e -- bu t h e
ca n n ot see h im . Th u s it wa s wit h m e wh en I t h ou gh t of Ou r Lor d. It wa s for t h is
r ea son t h a t I wa s so fon d of pict u r es. Un h a ppy a r e t h ose wh o t h r ou gh t h eir own
fa u lt lose t h is blessin g! It r ea lly looks a s if t h ey do n ot love t h e Lor d, for if t h ey
loved H im t h ey wou ld deligh t in lookin g a t pict u r es of H im , ju st a s t h ey t a ke
plea su r e in seein g pict u r es of a n yon e else wh om t h ey love.
It wa s a t t h is t im e t h a t I wa s given t h e Con fession s of S ain t Au gu stin e,103 a n d I
t h in k t h e Lor d m u st h a ve or da in ed t h is, for I did n ot a sk for t h e book n or h a d I ever
seen it . I h a ve a gr ea t a ffect ion for Sa in t Au gu st in e, beca u se t h e con ven t in wh ich I
h a d lived befor e becom in g a n u n belon ged t o h is Or der , a n d a lso beca u se h e h a d

102 [Th e or igin a l h a s a n u n t r a n sla t a ble pla y u pon wor ds: lit.: "m u st be (sic) ga in ed or lost a gr ea t dea l
-- I m ea n (it s) m edit a t ion (will be) lost ."]
103 A Spa n ish t r a n sla t ion of t h e Con fession s wa s m a de by a P or t u gu ese, P . Seba st iá n Tosca n o, a n d
dedica t ed by h im t o Doñ a Leon or de Ma sca r eñ a s, a gr ea t fr ien d of St . Ter esa (cf. Fou n d ation s, Ch a p.
XVII: Vol. III, p. 81): t h e dedica t ion is da t ed J a n u a r y 15, 1554. [If, a s is likely, t h is wa s t h e edit ion
given t o t h e Sa in t , t h e in ciden t su ppor t s a la t er da t e t h a n 1554-5, wh ich is t h e da t e com m on ly given ,
for h er "secon d con ver sion ".]
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been a sin n er . I u sed t o fin d a gr ea t dea l of com for t in r ea din g a bou t t h e lives of
sa in t s wh o h a d been sin n er s befor e t h e Lor d br ou gh t t h em ba ck t o H im self. As H e
h a d for given t h em I t h ou gh t t h a t H e m igh t do t h e sa m e for m e. Th er e wa s on ly on e
t h in g t h a t t r ou bled m e, a n d t h is I h a ve a lr ea dy m en t ion ed: n a m ely t h a t , a ft er t h e
Lor d h a d on ce ca lled t h em , t h ey did n ot fa ll a ga in , wh er ea s I h a d fa llen so oft en t h a t
I wa s dist r essed by it . Bu t wh en I t h ou gh t of H is love for m e, I wou ld t a ke h ea r t
on ce m or e, for I n ever dou bt ed H is m er cy, t h ou gh I oft en dou bt ed m yself.
Oh , God h elp m e! H ow a m a zed I a m wh en I t h in k h ow h a r d m y h ea r t wa s despit e
a ll t h e h elp I h a d r eceived fr om H im ! It r ea lly fr igh t en s m e t o r em em ber h ow lit t le I
cou ld do by m yself a n d h ow I wa s so t ied a n d bou n d t h a t I cou ld n ot r esolve t o give
m yself wh olly t o God. Wh en I st a r t ed t o r ea d t h e Con fession s, I seem ed t o see
m yself in t h em a n d I bega n t o com m en d m yself oft en t o t h a t glor iou s Sa in t . Wh en I
got a s fa r a s h is con ver sion a n d r ea d h ow h e h ea r d t h a t voice in t h e ga r den ,104 it
seem ed exa ct ly a s if t h e Lor d wer e spea kin g in t h a t wa y t o m e, or so m y h ea r t felt . I
r em a in ed for a lon g t im e dissolved in t ea r s, in gr ea t dist r ess a n d a fflict ion . Dea r
God, wh a t a sou l su ffer s a n d wh a t t or m en t s it en du r es wh en it loses it s fr eedom t o
be it s own m a st er ! I a m a st on ish ed n ow t h a t I wa s a ble t o live in su ch a st a t e of
t or m en t . God be pr a ised, Wh o ga ve m e life t o for sa ke su ch u t t er dea t h !
I believe m y sou l ga in ed gr ea t st r en gt h fr om t h e Divin e Ma jest y: H e m u st h a ve
h ea r d m y cr ies a n d h a d com pa ssion on a ll m y t ea r s. I bega n t o lon g t o spen d m or e
t im e wit h H im , a n d t o dr ive a wa y occa sion s of sin , for , on ce t h ey h a d gon e, I wou ld
feel a n ew love for H is Ma jest y. I kn ew t h a t , so fa r a s I cou ld t ell, I loved H im , bu t I
did n ot kn ow, a s I sh ou ld h a ve don e, wh a t t r u e love of God r ea lly m ea n s. I t h in k I
h a d n ot yet qu it e pr epa r ed m yself t o wa n t t o ser ve H im wh en H is Ma jest y bega n t o
gr a n t m e fa vou r s a ga in . It r ea lly seem s t h a t t h e Lor d fou n d a wa y t o m a ke m e
desir e t o r eceive wh a t ot h er s st r ive t o a cqu ir e wit h gr ea t la bou r -- t h a t is t o sa y,
du r in g t h ese la t t er yea r s, H e ga ve m e con sola t ion s a n d fa vou r s. I n ever pr esu m ed t o
beg H im t o give m e eit h er t h ese t h in gs or t en der n ess in devot ion : I on ly a sked for
gr a ce n ot t o offen d H im a n d for t h e pa r don of m y gr ievou s sin s. Kn owin g h ow
gr ievou s t h ey wer e, I n ever da r ed con sciou sly t o desir e fa vou r s or con sola t ion s. H is
com pa ssion , I t h in k, wor ked in m e a bu n da n t ly, a n d in t r u t h H e sh owed m e gr ea t
m er cy in a llowin g m e t o be wit h H im a n d br in gin g m e in t o H is pr esen ce, wh ich I
kn ew I sh ou ld n ot h a ve en t er ed h a d H e n ot so disposed it . On ly on ce in m y life -- a t
a t im e wh en I wa s su ffer in g fr om gr ea t a r idit y -- do I r em em ber h a vin g a sked H im
for con sola t ion s, a n d wh en I r ea lized wh a t I wa s doin g I beca m e so dist r essed t h a t
m y ver y sh a m e a t fin din g m yself so la ckin g in h u m ilit y ga ve m e wh a t I h a d
pr esu m ed t o a sk. I kn ew qu it e well t h a t it wa s la wfu l t o a sk for it , bu t I t h ou gh t it
wa s on ly so for t h ose wh o h a ve don e a ll in t h eir power t o obt a in t r u e devot ion by n ot
offen din g God a n d by bein g r ea dy a n d det er m in ed t o do a ll t h a t is good. Th ose t ea r s
of m in e, a s t h ey did n ot obt a in for m e wh a t I desir ed, seem ed t o m e effem in a t e a n d
wea k. Bu t a ll t h e sa m e I t h in k t h ey wer e of som e ben efit t o m e; for , a s I sa y,
especia lly a ft er t h ose t wo occa sion s wh en t h ey ca u sed m e su ch com pu n ct ion a n d
su ch dist r ess of h ea r t , I bega n t o devot e m yself m or e t o pr a yer a n d t o h a ve less t o do
wit h t h in gs t h a t wer e h u r t fu l for m e: t h ese la st I did n ot wh olly a ba n don , bu t , a s I
sa y, God kept on h elpin g m e t o t u r n fr om t h em . As H is Ma jest y wa s on ly a wa it in g
som e pr epa r edn ess on m y pa r t , H is spir it u a l fa vou r s con t in u a lly in cr ea sed, in t h e
wa y I sh a ll descr ibe. It is n ot u su a l for t h e Lor d t o give t h em sa ve t o t h ose wh o h a ve
a gr ea t er pu r it y of con scien ce.

104 [Con fession s, Bk. VIII, Ch a p. XII.]

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CHAP TER X
B egin s to d escribe th e favou rs w h ich th e L ord gran ted h er in prayer.
E xplain s w h at part w e ou rselves can play h ere, an d h ow im portan t it is
th at w e sh ou ld u n d erstan d th e favou rs w h ich th e L ord is gran tin g u s.
Ask s th ose to w h om sh e is sen d in g th is th at th e rem ain d er of w h at sh e
w rites m ay be k ept secret, sin ce sh e h as been com m an d ed to d escribe in
great d etail th e favou rs gran ted h er by th e L ord .

I u sed som et im es, a s I h a ve sa id, t o exper ien ce in a n elem en t a r y for m , a n d ver y

fleet in gly, wh a t I sh a ll n ow descr ibe. Wh en pict u r in g Ch r ist in t h e wa y I h a ve
m en t ion ed, a n d som et im es even wh en r ea din g, I u sed u n expect edly t o exper ien ce a
con sciou sn ess of t h e pr esen ce of God, of su ch a kin d t h a t I cou ld n ot possibly dou bt
t h a t H e wa s wit h in m e or t h a t I wa s wh olly en gu lfed in H im . Th is wa s in n o sen se a
vision : I believe it is ca lled m yst ica l t h eology. Th e sou l is su spen ded in su ch a wa y
t h a t it seem s t o be com plet ely ou t side it self. Th e will loves; t h e m em or y, I t h in k, is
a lm ost lost ; wh ile t h e u n der st a n din g, I believe, t h ou gh it is n ot lost , does n ot r ea son
-- I m ea n t h a t it does n ot wor k, bu t is a m a zed a t t h e ext en t of a ll it ca n u n der st a n d;
for God wills it t o r ea lize t h a t it u n der st a n ds n ot h in g of wh a t H is Ma jest y
r epr esen t s t o it .
P r eviou sly t o t h is, I h a d exper ien ced a t en der n ess in devot ion , som e pa r t of wh ich , I
t h in k, ca n be obt a in ed by on e's own effor t s. Th is is a fa vou r n eit h er wh olly of sen se
n or wh olly of spir it , bu t en t ir ely t h e gift of God. It seem s, h owever , t h a t we ca n do a
gr ea t dea l t owa r ds t h e obt a in in g of it by r eflect in g on ou r lowlin ess a n d ou r
in gr a t it u de t o God, on t h e gr ea t t h in gs t h a t H e h a s don e for u s, on H is P a ssion ,
wit h it s gr ievou s pa in s, a n d on H is life, wh ich wa s so fu ll of a fflict ion s. We ca n a lso
do m u ch by r ejoicin g in t h e con t em pla t ion of H is wor ks, H is gr ea t n ess, H is love for
u s, a n d a gr ea t dea l m or e. An yon e r ea lly a n xiou s t o m a ke pr ogr ess oft en ligh t s u pon
su ch t h in gs a s t h ese, t h ou gh h e m a y n ot be goin g a bou t lookin g for t h em . If t o t h is
t h er e be a dded a lit t le love, t h e sou l is com for t ed, t h e h ea r t m elt s a n d t ea r s begin t o
flow: som et im es we seem t o pr odu ce t h ese t ea r s by for ce; a t ot h er t im es t h e Lor d
seem s t o be dr a win g t h em fr om u s a n d we ca n n ot r esist H im . F or t h e t r iflin g pa in s
we h a ve t a ken H is Ma jest y a ppea r s t o be r equ it in g u s wit h t h e gr ea t gift of t h e
com for t wh ich com es t o a sou l fr om seein g t h a t it is weepin g for so gr ea t a Lor d; a n d
I do n ot won der a t t h is, for it h a s a m ple r ea son t o be com for t ed. F or h er e it fin ds
en cou r a gem en t , a n d h er e it fin ds joy.
Th e com pa r ison wh ich n ow su ggest s it self t o m e is, I t h in k, a good on e. Th ese joys
wh ich com e t h r ou gh pr a yer a r e som et h in g like wh a t t h e joys of H ea ven m u st be. As
t h e sou ls in H ea ven see n o m or e t h a n t h e Lor d wills t h em t o see, a n d a s t h is is in
pr opor t ion t o t h eir m er it s, a n d t h ey r ea lize h ow sm a ll t h eir m er it s a r e, ea ch of t h em
is con t en t wit h t h e pla ce given t o h im , a n d yet t h er e is t h e ver y gr ea t est differ en ce
in H ea ven bet ween on e kin d of fr u it ion a n d a n ot h er -- a differ en ce m u ch m or e
m a r ked t h a n t h a t bet ween differ en t kin ds of spir it u a l joy on ea r t h , t h ou gh t h is is
t r em en dou s. Wh en a sou l is in it s ea r ly st a ges of gr owt h a n d God gr a n t s it t h is
fa vou r , it r ea lly t h in ks t h er e is n ot h in g m or e left for it t o desir e a n d cou n t s it self
well r ecom pen sed for a ll t h e ser vice it h a s don e H im . An d it h a s a m ple r ea son for
t h in kin g so: a sin gle on e of t h ese t ea r s, wh ich , a s I sa y, we ca n ca u se t o flow a lm ost
by ou r selves (t h ou gh n ot h in g wh a t ever ca n be don e wit h ou t God), ca n n ot , I t h in k,
be pu r ch a sed wit h a ll t h e la bou r s in t h e wor ld, so gr ea t is t h e ga in wh ich it br in gs
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u s. An d wh a t gr ea t er ga in is t h er e t h a n t o h a ve som e eviden ce t h a t we a r e plea sin g

God? Let a n yon e, t h en , wh o h a s a r r ived t h u s fa r give gr ea t pr a ise t o God a n d
r ecogn ize h ow m u ch h e is in H is debt . F or it n ow seem s t h a t H e wa n t s h im t o be a
m em ber of H is h ou seh old a n d h a s ch osen h im for H is kin gdom , if h e does n ot t u r n
ba ck.
Let h im n ot t r ou ble a bou t cer t a in kin ds of h u m ilit y, of wh ich I pr opose t o t r ea t . We
m a y t h in k it h u m ilit y n ot t o r ea lize t h a t t h e Lor d is best owin g gift s u pon u s. Let u s
u n der st a n d ver y, ver y clea r ly, h ow t h is m a t t er st a n ds. God gives u s t h ese gift s for
n o m er it of ou r s. Let u s be gr a t efu l t o H is Ma jest y for t h em , for , u n less we r ecogn ize
t h a t we a r e r eceivin g t h em , we sh a ll n ot be a r ou sed t o love H im . An d it is a m ost
cer t a in t h in g t h a t , if we r em em ber a ll t h e t im e t h a t we a r e poor , t h e r ich er we fin d
ou r selves, t h e gr ea t er will be t h e pr ofit t h a t com es t o u s a n d t h e m or e gen u in e ou r
h u m ilit y. An ot h er m ist a ke is for t h e sou l t o be a fr a id, t h in kin g it self in ca pa ble of
r eceivin g gr ea t blessin gs, wit h t h e r esu lt t h a t , wh en t h e Lor d begin s t o gr a n t t h em ,
it gr ows fea r fu l, t h in kin g t h a t it is sin n in g t h r ou gh va in glor y. Let u s believe t h a t ,
wh en t h e devil begin s t o t em pt u s a bou t t h is, H e Wh o gives u s t h e blessin gs will
a lso give u s gr a ce t o r ea lize t h a t it is a t em pt a t ion , a n d for t it u de t o r esist it : I kn ow
God will do t h is if we wa lk befor e H im in sim plicit y, en dea vou r in g t o plea se H im
a lon e a n d n ot m en .
It is a ver y eviden t t r u t h t h a t we love a per son m ost wh en we h a ve a vivid
r em em br a n ce of t h e kin d a ct ion s h e h a s don e u s. If, t h en , it is la wfu l, a n d in deed
m er it or iou s, for u s t o r em em ber t h a t it is fr om God t h a t we h a ve ou r bein g, a n d t h a t
H e cr ea t ed u s fr om n ot h in g, a n d t h a t H e pr eser ves u s, a n d a lso t o r em em ber a ll t h e
ot h er ben efit s of H is dea t h a n d of t h e t r ia ls wh ich H e h a d su ffer ed for a ll of u s n ow
livin g lon g befor e a n y of u s wa s cr ea t ed, wh y sh ou ld it n ot be la wfu l for m e t o
u n der st a n d, r ea lize a n d con sider a ga in a n d a ga in t h a t , t h ou gh on ce I wa s won t t o
spea k of va n it ies, t h e Lor d h a s n ow gr a n t ed m e t h e desir e t o spea k on ly of H im self.
H er e is a jewel wh ich , wh en we r em em ber t h a t it is given u s, a n d t h a t in deed we
a lr ea dy possess it , in vit es a n d con st r a in s u s t o love, a n d a ll t h is is t h e blessin g t h a t
com es fr om pr a yer fou n ded on h u m ilit y. Wh a t , t h en , will it be wh en we fin d
ou r selves in possession of ot h er a n d m or e pr eciou s jewels, wh ich som e ser va n t s of
God h a ve a lr ea dy r eceived, su ch a s con t em pt for t h e wor ld a n d even for t h em selves?
It is clea r t h a t su ch per son s m u st t h in k of t h em selves a s st ill m or e in God's debt
a n d u n der st ill gr ea t er obliga t ion s t o ser ve H im . We m u st r ea lize t h a t n ot h in g of a ll
t h is com es fr om ou r selves a n d a ckn owledge t h e bou n t eou sn ess of t h e Lor d, Wh o on
a sou l a s poor a n d wr et ch ed a n d u n deser vin g a s m in e -- for wh om t h e fir st of t h ese
jewels wou ld h a ve been en ou gh , a n d m or e t h a n en ou gh -- wa s plea sed t o best ow
gr ea t er r ich es t h a n I cou ld desir e.
We m u st seek n ew st r en gt h wit h wh ich t o ser ve H im , a n d en dea vou r n ot t o be
u n gr a t efu l, for t h a t is t h e con dit ion on wh ich t h e Lor d best ows H is jewels. Un less
we m a ke good u se of H is t r ea su r es, a n d of t h e h igh est a t e t o wh ich H e br in gs u s, H e
will t a ke t h ese t r ea su r es ba ck fr om u s, a n d we sh a ll be poor er t h a n befor e, a n d H is
Ma jest y will give t h e jewels t o som e ot h er per son wh o ca n displa y t h em t o
a dva n t a ge a n d t o h is own pr ofit a n d t h a t of ot h er s. F or h ow ca n a m a n u n a wa r e
t h a t h e is r ich m a ke good u se of h is r ich es a n d spen d t h em liber a lly? It is
im possible, I t h in k, t a kin g ou r n a t u r e in t o con sider a t ion , t h a t a n yon e wh o fa ils t o
r ea lize t h a t h e is fa vou r ed by God sh ou ld h a ve t h e cou r a ge n ecessa r y for doin g gr ea t
t h in gs. F or we a r e so m iser a ble a n d so m u ch a t t r a ct ed by ea r t h ly t h in gs t h a t on ly
on e wh o r ea lizes t h a t h e h olds som e ea r n est of t h e joys of t h e n ext wor ld will
su cceed in t h or ou gh ly a bh or r in g a n d com plet ely det a ch in g h im self fr om t h e t h in gs
of t h is; for it is t h r ou gh t h ese gift s t h a t t h e Lor d best ows u pon u s t h e for t it u de of
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wh ich ou r sin s h a ve depr ived u s. An d a m a n is u n likely t o desir e t h e disa ppr ova l

a n d a bh or r en ce of a ll, or t h e ot h er gr ea t vir t u es possessed by t h e per fect , u n less h e
h a ve som e ea r n est of t h e love wh ich God bea r s h im a n d a lso a livin g fa it h . F or ou r
n a t u r e is so dea d t h a t we pu r su e wh a t we see befor e u s a n d so it is t h ese ver y
fa vou r s wh ich a wa ken a n d st r en gt h en fa it h . Bu t it m a y well be t h a t I a m ju dgin g
ot h er s by m y wicked self, a n d t h a t t h er e m a y be som e wh o n eed n o m or e t h a n t h e
t r u t h s of t h e F a it h t o en a ble t h em t o per for m wor ks of gr ea t per fect ion , wh er ea s I,
wr et ch ed wom a n , h a ve n eed of ever yt h in g.
Su ch a s t h ese m u st spea k for t h em selves. I a m descr ibin g m y own exper ien ces, a s I
h a ve been com m a n ded t o do; if h e t o wh om I sen d t h is does n ot a ppr ove of it , h e will
t ea r it u p, a n d h e will kn ow wh a t is wr on g wit h it bet t er t h a n I. Bu t I beseech h im ,
for t h e love of t h e Lor d, t h a t wh a t I h a ve t h u s fa r sa id con cer n in g m y wicked life
a n d sin s be pu blish ed. I give t h is per m ission , h er e a n d n ow, bot h t o h im a n d t o a ll
m y con fessor s, of wh om h e wh o will r eceive t h is is on e. If t h ey like, t h ey ca n pu blish
it n ow, du r in g m y lifet im e, so t h a t I m a y n o lon ger deceive t h e wor ld a n d t h ose wh o
t h in k t h er e is som e good in m e. I a m spea kin g t h e a bsolu t e a n d lit er a l t r u t h wh en I
sa y t h a t , a s fa r a s I u n der st a n d m yself a t pr esen t , t h is will give m e gr ea t com for t .
Bu t I do n ot m a ke t h a t per m ission a pplica ble t o wh a t I sh a ll sa y fr om n ow on wa r ds;
if t h is sh ou ld be sh own t o a n yon e, I do n ot wish it t o be st a t ed t o wh om it r efer s,
wh ose exper ien ce it r ecou n t s or wh o is it s a u t h or ; a n d for t h a t r ea son I do n ot
m en t ion m yself or a n y on e else by n a m e. I sh a ll wr it e it a ll a s well a s I ca n , in or der
t h a t m y a u t h or sh ip m a y n ot be r ecogn ized. Th is I beg for t h e love of God. Th e
a u t h or it y of per son s so lea r n ed a n d ser iou s a s m y con fessor s su ffices for t h e
a ppr ova l of a n y good t h in g t h a t I m a y sa y, if t h e Lor d gives m e gr a ce t o sa y it , in
wh ich ca se it will n ot be m in e bu t H is; for I h a ve n o lea r n in g, n or h a ve I led a good
life, n or do I get m y in for m a t ion fr om a lea r n ed m a n or fr om a n y ot h er per son
wh a t soever . On ly t h ose wh o h a ve com m a n ded m e t o wr it e t h is 105 kn ow t h a t I a m
doin g so, a n d a t t h e m om en t t h ey a r e n ot h er e. I a m a lm ost st ea lin g t h e t im e for
wr it in g, a n d t h a t wit h gr ea t difficu lt y, for it h in der s m e fr om spin n in g a n d I a m
livin g in a poor h ou se a n d h a ve n u m er ou s t h in gs t o do. If t h e Lor d h a d given m e
m or e a bilit y, a n d a bet t er m em or y, I m igh t h a ve pr ofit ed by wh a t I h a ve h ea r d or
r ea d, bu t I h a ve lit t le a bilit y or m em or y of m y own . If, t h en , I sa y a n y good t h in g, it
will be beca u se t h e Lor d h a s been plea sed, for som e good pu r pose, t h a t I sh ou ld sa y
it , wh ile wh a t ever is ba d is m y own wor k a n d You r Rever en ce will delet e it . In
n eit h er ca se is t h er e a n y a dva n t a ge in givin g m y n a m e. Du r in g m y lifet im e, of
cou r se, n ot h in g good t h a t I m a y h a ve don e ou gh t t o be t a lked a bou t ; a n d a ft er m y
dea t h t h er e will be n o poin t in m en t ion in g m e, for t o do so wou ld br in g discr edit on
t h is good, t o wh ich n o on e wou ld give cr eden ce if it wer e t o be r ela t ed of on e so ba se
a n d wicked a s I.
An d a s I t h in k t h a t You r Rever en ce, a n d ot h er s wh o a r e t o see t h is, will do wh a t , for
love of t h e Lor d, I a m a skin g you , I a m wr it in g qu it e fr eely. In a n y ot h er ca se, I
sh ou ld h a ve gr ea t scr u ples a bou t wr it in g a t a ll, except t o con fess m y sin s, a bou t
doin g wh ich I h a ve n on e. F or t h e r est , t h e ver y t h ou gh t t h a t I a m a wom a n is
en ou gh t o m a ke m y win gs dr oop -- h ow m u ch m or e, t h en , t h e t h ou gh t t h a t I a m
su ch a wicked on e! So You r Rever en ce m u st t a ke t h e r espon sibilit y for ever yt h in g
beyon d t h e sim ple st or y of m y life (sin ce you h a ve im por t u n ed m e so ea r n est ly t o
wr it e som e a ccou n t of t h e fa vou r s wh ich God gr a n t s m e in pr a yer ), if it be in
a ccor da n ce wit h t h e t r u t h s of ou r h oly Ca t h olic F a it h ; a n d if it be n ot , You r

105 Th ese per son s, a ccor din g t o a m a n u scr ipt n ot e by P . Gr a ciá n t o be fou n d in a copy of t h e fir st
edit ion of St . Ter esa 's wor ks, wer e "Ma st er F r a y Dom in go Bá ñ ez a n d F r a y Ga r cía de Toledo".
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Rever en ce m u st bu r n it a t on ce -- I a m qu it e willin g for you t o do t h a t . I will

descr ibe m y exper ien ces, so t h a t , if wh a t I wr it e is in a ccor da n ce wit h t h ese t r u t h s,
it m a y be of som e u se t o You r Rever en ce; if it be n ot , m y sou l will be disillu sion ed,
a n d, if I a m n ot ga in in g a n yt h in g m yself, a s I t r u st I a m , t h er e will a t lea st be n o
ga in for t h e devil. Th e Lor d well kn ows t h a t , a s I sh a ll sa y la t er , I h a ve a lwa ys t r ied
t o seek ou t t h ose wh o will en ligh t en m e.
H owever clea r ly I m a y wish t o descr ibe t h ese m a t t er s wh ich con cer n pr a yer , t h ey
will be ver y obscu r e t o a n yon e wh o h a s n o exper ien ce of it . I sh a ll descr ibe cer t a in
h in dr a n ces, wh ich , a s I u n der st a n d it , pr even t people fr om m a kin g pr ogr ess on t h is
r oa d, a n d a lso cer t a in ot h er sou r ces of da n ger a bou t wh ich t h e Lor d h a s t a u gh t m e
by exper ien ce. Mor e r ecen t ly I h a ve discu ssed t h ese t h in gs wit h m en of gr ea t
lea r n in g a n d per son s wh o h a ve led spir it u a l lives for m a n y yea r s; a n d t h ey h a ve
seen t h a t in t h e t wen t y-seven yea r s du r in g wh ich I h a ve been pr a ct isin g pr a yer , H is
Ma jest y h a s given m e exper ien ces, ill a s I h a ve wa lked a n d oft en a s I h a ve st u m bled
on t h is r oa d, for wh ich ot h er s n eed t h ir t y-seven , or even for t y-seven , in spit e of
h a vin g m a de st ea dy pr ogr ess a n d pr a ct ised pen it en ce a n d a t t a in ed vir t u e. Ma y H is
Ma jest y be blessed for ever yt h in g, a n d m a y H e, for H is n a m e's sa ke, m a ke u se of
m e. F or m y Lor d well kn ows t h a t I h a ve n o ot h er desir e t h a n t h is, t h a t H e m a y be
pr a ised a n d m a gn ified a lit t le wh en it is seen t h a t on so fou l a n d m a lodor ou s a
du n gh ill H e h a s pla n t ed a ga r den of sweet flower s. Ma y H is Ma jest y gr a n t t h a t I
m a y n ot r oot t h em u p t h r ou gh m y fa u lt s a n d becom e wh a t I wa s befor e. Th is I
beseech You r Rever en ce, for love of t h e Lor d, t o beg H im for m e, for you kn ow wh a t
I a m m or e clea r ly t h a n you h a ve per m it t ed m e t o sa y h er e.

CHAP TER XI
Gives th e reason w h y w e d o n ot learn to love God perfectly in a sh ort
tim e. B egin s, by m ean s of a com parison , to d escribe fou r d egrees of
prayer, con cern in g th e first of w h ich som eth in g is h ere said . T h is is
m ost profitable for begin n ers an d for th ose w h o are receivin g n o
con solation s in prayer.

I sh a ll n ow spea k of t h ose wh o a r e begin n in g t o be t h e ser va n t s of love -- for t h is, I

t h in k, is wh a t we becom e wh en we r esolve t o follow in t h is wa y of pr a yer H im Wh o
so gr ea t ly loved u s. So gr ea t a dign it y is t h is t h a t t h in kin g of it a lon e br in gs m e a
st r a n ge com for t , for ser vile fea r va n ish es a t on ce if wh ile we a r e a t t h is fir st st a ge
we a ct a s we sh ou ld. O Lor d of m y sou l a n d m y Good! Wh y, wh en a sou l h a s
r esolved t o love Th ee a n d by for sa kin g ever yt h in g does a ll in it s power t owa r ds t h a t
en d, so t h a t it m a y t h e bet t er em ploy it self in t h e love of God, h a st Th ou been
plea sed t h a t it sh ou ld n ot a t on ce h a ve t h e joy of a scen din g t o t h e possession of t h is
per fect love? Bu t I a m wr on g: I sh ou ld h a ve m a de m y com pla in t by a skin g wh y we
ou r selves h a ve n o desir e so t o a scen d, for it is we a lon e wh o a r e a t fa u lt in n ot a t
on ce en joyin g so gr ea t a dign it y. If we a t t a in t o t h e per fect possession of t h is t r u e
love of God, it br in gs a ll blessin gs wit h it . Bu t so n igga r dly a n d so slow a r e we in
givin g ou r selves wh olly t o God t h a t we do n ot pr epa r e ou r selves a s we sh ou ld t o
r eceive t h a t pr eciou s t h in g wh ich it is H is Ma jest y's will t h a t we sh ou ld en joy on ly
a t a gr ea t pr ice.
I a m qu it e clea r t h a t t h er e is n ot h in g on ea r t h wit h wh ich so gr ea t a blessin g ca n be
pu r ch a sed; bu t if we did wh a t we cou ld t o obt a in it , if we ch er ish ed n o a t t a ch m en t t o
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ea r t h ly t h in gs, a n d if a ll ou r ca r es a n d a ll ou r in t er cou r se wer e cen t r ed in H ea ven , I

believe t h er e is n o dou bt t h a t t h is blessin g wou ld be given u s ver y speedily,
pr ovided we pr epa r ed ou r selves for it t h or ou gh ly a n d qu ickly, a s did som e of t h e
sa in t s. Bu t we t h in k we a r e givin g God ever yt h in g, wh er ea s wh a t we a r e r ea lly
offer in g H im is t h e r even u e or t h e fr u it s of ou r la n d wh ile keepin g t h e st ock a n d t h e
r igh t of own er sh ip of it in ou r own h a n ds. We h a ve m a de a r esolve t o be poor , a n d
t h a t is a r esolu t ion of gr ea t m er it ; bu t we oft en begin t o pla n a n d st r ive a ga in so
t h a t we m a y h a ve n o la ck, n ot on ly of n ecessa r ies, bu t even of su per flu it ies; we t r y
t o m a ke fr ien ds wh o will give u s t h ese, lest we sh ou ld la ck a n yt h in g; a n d we t a ke
gr ea t er pa in s, a n d per h a ps even r u n gr ea t er r isks, t h a n we did befor e, wh en we h a d
possession s of ou r own . P r esu m a bly, a ga in , wh en we beca m e n u n s, or pr eviou sly,
wh en we bega n t o lea d spir it u a l lives a n d t o follow a ft er per fect ion , we a ba n don ed
a ll t h ou gh t of ou r own im por t a n ce;106 a n d yet h a r dly is ou r self-im por t a n ce
wou n ded 107 t h a n we qu it e for get t h a t we h a ve su r r en der ed it t o God a n d we t r y t o
seize it a ga in , a n d wr est it , a s t h ey sa y, ou t of H is ver y h a n ds, a lt h ou gh we h a d
a ppa r en t ly m a de H im Lor d of ou r will. An d t h e sa m e t h in g h a ppen s wit h ever yt h in g
else.
A n ice wa y of seekin g t h e love of God is t h is! We expect gr ea t h a n dfu ls of it , a s on e
m igh t sa y, a n d yet we wa n t t o r eser ve ou r a ffect ion s for ou r selves! We m a ke n o
effor t t o ca r r y ou r desir es in t o effect or t o r a ise t h em fa r a bove t h e ea r t h . It is h a r dly
su it a ble t h a t people wh o a ct in t h is wa y sh ou ld h a ve m a n y spir it u a l con sola t ion s;
t h e t wo t h in gs seem t o m e in com pa t ible. So, bein g u n a ble t o m a ke a fu ll su r r en der
of ou r selves, we a r e n ever given a fu ll su pply of t h is t r ea su r e. Ma y H is Ma jest y be
plea sed t o give it t o u s lit t le by lit t le, even t h ou gh t h e r eceivin g of it m a y cost u s a ll
t h e t r ia ls in t h e wor ld.
Th e Lor d sh ows exceedin g gr ea t m er cy t o h im wh om H e gives gr a ce a n d cou r a ge t o
r esolve t o st r ive a ft er t h is blessin g wit h a ll h is m igh t . F or God den ies H im self t o n o
on e wh o per sever es bu t gr a du a lly in cr ea ses t h e cou r a ge of su ch a on e t ill h e
a ch ieves vict or y. I sa y "cou r a ge" beca u se of t h e n u m er ou s obst a cles wh ich t h e devil
a t fir st set s in h is pa t h t o h in der h im fr om ever set t in g ou t u pon it , for t h e devil
kn ows wh a t h a r m will com e t o h im t h er eby a n d t h a t h e will lose n ot on ly t h a t on e
sou l bu t m a n y m or e. If by t h e h elp of God t h e begin n er st r ives t o r ea ch t h e su m m it
of per fect ion , I do n ot believe h e will ever go t o H ea ven a lon e bu t will a lwa ys t a ke
m a n y ot h er s wit h h im : God t r ea t s h im like a good ca pt a in , a n d gives h im soldier s t o
go in h is com pa n y. So m a n y a r e t h e da n ger s a n d difficu lt ies wh ich t h e devil set s
befor e h im t h a t if h e is n ot t o t u r n ba ck h e n eeds n ot m er ely a lit t le cou r a ge bu t a
ver y gr ea t dea l, a n d m u ch h elp fr om God.
To sa y som et h in g, t h en , of t h e ea r ly exper ien ces of t h ose wh o a r e det er m in ed t o
pu r su e t h is blessin g a n d t o su cceed in t h is en t er pr ise (I sh a ll con t in u e la t er wit h
wh a t I bega n t o sa y a bou t m yst ica l t h eology, a s I believe it is ca lled): it is in t h ese
ea r ly st a ges t h a t t h eir la bou r is h a r dest , for it is t h ey t h em selves wh o la bou r a n d
t h e Lor d Wh o gives t h e in cr ea se. In t h e ot h er degr ees of pr a yer t h e ch ief t h in g is
fr u it ion , a lt h ou gh , wh et h er a t t h e begin n in g, in t h e m iddle or a t t h e en d of t h e r oa d,
a ll h a ve t h eir cr osses, differ en t a s t h ese m a y be. F or t h ose wh o follow Ch r ist m u st
t a ke t h e wa y wh ich H e t ook, u n less t h ey wa n t t o be lost . Blessed a r e t h eir la bou r s

106 [H on ra. n . 68. Th is is a n exa m ple of t h e u se of t h e wor d t o den ot e som et h in g r epr eh en sible in
n u n s: elsewh er e sh e a dju r es h er sist er s t o t h in k (in a n ot h er sen se) of t h eir own h on ra, or r epu t a t ion .]
107 [L it.: "h a r dly h a ve t h ey t ou ch ed u s in a poin t of h on ou r ." Cf. t h e u se of "pu n t o de h on r a " or
"pu n don or " in Spa n ish dr a m a .]
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wh ich even h er e, in t h is life, h a ve su ch a bu n da n t r ecom pen se I sh a ll h a ve t o em ploy

som e kin d of com pa r ison , t h ou gh , bein g a wom a n a n d wr it in g sim ply wh a t I a m
com m a n ded, I sh ou ld like t o a void doin g so; bu t t h is spir it u a l la n gu a ge is so h a r d t o
u se for su ch a s, like m yself, h a ve n o lea r n in g, t h a t I sh a ll h a ve t o seek som e su ch
m ea n s of con veyin g m y idea s. It m a y be t h a t m y com pa r ison will seldom do t h is
su ccessfu lly a n d You r Rever en ce will be a m u sed t o see h ow st u pid I a m . Bu t it
com es t o m y m in d n ow t h a t I h a ve r ea d or h ea r d of t h is com pa r ison : a s I h a ve a ba d
m em or y, I do n ot kn ow wh er e it occu r r ed or wh a t it illu st r a t ed, bu t it sa t isfies m e a t
t h e m om en t a s a n illu st r a t ion of m y own .
Th e begin n er m u st t h in k of h im self a s of on e set t in g ou t t o m a ke a ga r den in wh ich
t h e Lor d is t o t a ke H is deligh t , yet in soil m ost u n fr u it fu l a n d fu ll of weeds. H is
Ma jest y u pr oot s t h e weeds a n d will set good pla n t s in t h eir st ea d. Let u s su ppose
t h a t t h is is a lr ea dy don e -- t h a t a sou l h a s r esolved t o pr a ct ise pr a yer a n d h a s
a lr ea dy begu n t o do so. We h a ve n ow, by God's h elp, like good ga r den er s, t o m a ke
t h ese pla n t s gr ow, a n d t o wa t er t h em ca r efu lly, so t h a t t h ey m a y n ot per ish , bu t
m a y pr odu ce flower s wh ich sh a ll sen d for t h gr ea t fr a gr a n ce t o give r efr esh m en t t o
t h is Lor d of ou r s, so t h a t H e m a y oft en com e in t o t h e ga r den t o t a ke H is plea su r e
a n d h a ve H is deligh t a m on g t h ese vir t u es.
Let u s n ow con sider h ow t h is ga r den ca n be wa t er ed, so t h a t we m a y kn ow wh a t we
h a ve t o do, wh a t la bou r it will cost u s, if t h e ga in will ou t weigh t h e la bou r a n d for
h ow lon g t h is la bou r m u st be bor n e. It seem s t o m e t h a t t h e ga r den ca n be wa t er ed
in fou r wa ys: by t a kin g t h e wa t er fr om a well, wh ich cost s u s gr ea t la bou r ; or by a
wa t er -wh eel a n d bu cket s, wh en t h e wa t er is dr a wn by a win dla ss (I h a ve som et im es
dr a wn it in t h is wa y: it is less la bor iou s t h a n t h e ot h er a n d gives m or e wa t er ); or by
a st r ea m or a br ook, wh ich wa t er s t h e gr ou n d m u ch bet t er , for it sa t u r a t es it m or e
t h or ou gh ly a n d t h er e is less n eed t o wa t er it oft en , so t h a t t h e ga r den er 's la bou r is
m u ch less; or by h ea vy r a in , wh en t h e Lor d wa t er s it wit h n o la bou r of ou r s, a wa y
in com pa r a bly bet t er t h a n a n y of t h ose wh ich h a ve been descr ibed.
An d n ow I com e t o m y poin t , wh ich is t h e a pplica t ion of t h ese fou r m et h ods of
wa t er in g by wh ich t h e ga r den is t o be kept fer t ile, for if it h a s n o wa t er it will be
r u in ed. It h a s seem ed possible t o m e in t h is wa y t o expla in som et h in g a bou t t h e fou r
degr ees of pr a yer t o wh ich t h e Lor d, of H is goodn ess, h a s occa sion a lly br ou gh t m y
sou l. Ma y H e a lso of H is goodn ess gr a n t m e t o spea k in su ch a wa y a s t o be of som e
pr ofit t o on e of t h e per son s wh o com m a n ded m e t o wr it e t h is book,108 wh om in fou r
m on t h s t h e Lor d h a s br ou gh t t o a poin t fa r beyon d t h a t wh ich I h a ve r ea ch ed in
seven t een yea r s. H e pr epa r ed h im self bet t er t h a n I, a n d t h u s h is ga r den , wit h ou t
la bou r on h is pa r t , is wa t er ed by a ll t h ese fou r m ea n s, t h ou gh h e is st ill r eceivin g
t h e la st wa t er in g on ly dr op by dr op; su ch pr ogr ess is h is ga r den m a kin g t h a t soon ,
by t h e Lor d's h elp, it will be su bm er ged. It will be a plea su r e t o m e for h im t o la u gh
a t m y expla n a t ion if h e t h in ks it foolish .
Begin n er s in pr a yer , we m a y sa y, a r e t h ose wh o dr a w u p t h e wa t er ou t of t h e well:
t h is, a s I h a ve sa id, is a ver y la bor iou s pr oceedin g, for it will fa t igu e t h em t o keep
t h eir sen ses r ecollect ed, wh ich is a gr ea t la bou r beca u se t h ey h a ve been a ccu st om ed
t o a life of dist r a ct ion . Begin n er s m u st a ccu st om t h em selves t o pa y n o h eed t o wh a t
t h ey see or h ea r , a n d t h ey m u st pr a ct ise doin g t h is du r in g h ou r s of pr a yer ; t h ey
m u st be a lon e a n d in t h eir solit u de t h in k over t h eir pa st life -- a ll of u s, in deed,
wh et h er begin n er s or pr oficien t s, m u st do t h is fr equ en t ly. Th er e a r e differ en ces,

108 "P . P edr o Ibá ñ ez", obser ves P . Gr a ciá n , in a n ot h er m a n u scr ipt n ot e t o t h e copy of t h e fir st edit ion
of St . Ter esa 's wor ks r efer r ed t o a bove (p. 62).
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h owever , in t h e degr ee t o wh ich it m u st be don e, a s I sh a ll sh ow la t er . At fir st it

ca u ses dist r ess, for begin n er s a r e n ot a lwa ys su r e t h a t t h ey h a ve r epen t ed of t h eir
sin s (t h ou gh clea r ly t h ey h a ve, sin ce t h ey h a ve so sin cer ely r esolved t o ser ve God).
Th en t h ey h a ve t o en dea vou r t o m edit a t e u pon t h e life of Ch r ist a n d t h is fa t igu es
t h eir m in ds. Th u s fa r we ca n m a ke pr ogr ess by ou r selves -- of cou r se wit h t h e h elp
of God, for wit h ou t t h a t , a s is well kn own , we ca n n ot t h in k a sin gle good t h ou gh t .
Th is is wh a t is m ea n t by begin n in g t o dr a w u p wa t er fr om t h e well -- a n d God gr a n t
t h er e m a y be wa t er in it ! Bu t t h a t , a t lea st , does n ot depen d on u s: ou r t a sk is t o
dr a w it u p a n d t o do wh a t we ca n t o wa t er t h e flower s. An d God is so good t h a t
wh en , for r ea son s kn own t o H is Ma jest y, per h a ps t o ou r gr ea t a dva n t a ge, H e is
plea sed t h a t t h e well sh ou ld be dr y, we, like good ga r den er s, do a ll t h a t in u s lies,
a n d H e keeps t h e flower s a live wit h ou t wa t er a n d m a kes t h e vir t u es gr ow. By wa t er
h er e I m ea n t ea r s -- or , if t h er e be n on e of t h ese, t en der n ess a n d a n in t er ior feelin g
of devot ion .
Wh a t , t h en , will h e do h er e wh o fin ds t h a t for m a n y da ys h e exper ien ces n ot h in g
bu t a r idit y, dislike, dist a st e a n d so lit t le desir e t o go a n d dr a w wa t er t h a t h e wou ld
give it u p en t ir ely if h e did n ot r em em ber t h a t h e is plea sin g a n d ser vin g t h e Lor d of
t h e ga r den ; if h e wer e n ot a n xiou s t h a t a ll h is ser vice sh ou ld n ot be lost , t o sa y
n ot h in g of t h e ga in wh ich h e h opes for fr om t h e gr ea t la bou r of lower in g t h e bu cket
so oft en in t o t h e well a n d dr a win g it u p wit h ou t wa t er ? It will oft en h a ppen t h a t ,
even for t h a t pu r pose, h e is u n a ble t o m ove h is a r m s -- u n a ble, t h a t is, t o t h in k a
sin gle good t h ou gh t , for wor kin g wit h t h e u n der st a n din g is of cou r se t h e sa m e a s
dr a win g wa t er ou t of t h e well. Wh a t , t h en , a s I sa y, will t h e ga r den er do h er e? H e
will be gla d a n d t a ke h ea r t a n d con sider it t h e gr ea t est of fa vou r s t o wor k in t h e
ga r den of so gr ea t a n E m per or ; a n d, a s h e kn ows t h a t h e is plea sin g H im by so
wor kin g (a n d h is pu r pose m u st be t o plea se, n ot h im self, bu t H im ), let h im r en der
H im gr ea t pr a ise for h a vin g pla ced su ch con fiden ce in h im , wh en H e h a s seen t h a t ,
wit h ou t r eceivin g a n y r ecom pen se, h e is t a kin g su ch gr ea t ca r e of t h a t wh ich H e
h a d en t r u st ed t o h im ; let h im h elp H im t o bea r t h e Cr oss a n d con sider h ow H e lived
wit h it a ll H is life lon g; let h im n ot wish t o h a ve h is kin gdom on ea r t h or ever cea se
fr om pr a yer ; a n d so let h im r esolve, even if t h is a r idit y sh ou ld per sist h is wh ole life
lon g, n ever t o let Ch r ist fa ll ben ea t h t h e Cr oss. Th e t im e will com e wh en h e sh a ll
r eceive h is wh ole r ewa r d a t on ce. Let h im h a ve n o fea r t h a t h is la bou r will be lost .
H e is ser vin g a good Ma st er , Wh ose eyes a r e u pon h im . Let h im pa y n o h eed t o evil
t h ou gh t s, r em em ber in g h ow t h e devil pu t su ch t h ou gh t s in t o t h e m in d of Sa in t
J er om e in t h e deser t . 109
Th ese t r ia ls br in g t h eir own r ewa r d. I en du r ed t h em for m a n y yea r s; a n d, wh en I
wa s a ble t o dr a w bu t on e dr op of wa t er fr om t h is blessed well, I u sed t o t h in k t h a t
God wa s gr a n t in g m e a fa vou r . I kn ow h ow gr ievou s su ch t r ia ls a r e a n d I t h in k t h ey
n eed m or e cou r a ge t h a n do m a n y ot h er s in t h e wor ld. Bu t it h a s becom e clea r t o m e
t h a t , even in t h is life, God does n ot fa il t o r ecom pen se t h em h igh ly; for it is qu it e
cer t a in t h a t a sin gle on e of t h ose h ou r s in wh ich t h e Lor d h a s gr a n t ed m e t o t a st e of
H im self h a s seem ed t o m e la t er a r ecom pen se for a ll t h e a fflict ion s wh ich I en du r ed
over a lon g per iod wh ile keepin g u p t h e pr a ct ice of pr a yer . I believe m yself t h a t
oft en in t h e ea r ly st a ges, a n d a ga in la t er , it is t h e Lor d's will t o give u s t h ese
t or t u r es, a n d m a n y ot h er t em pt a t ion s wh ich pr esen t t h em selves, in or der t o t est H is
lover s a n d discover if t h ey ca n dr in k of t h e ch a lice a n d h elp H im t o bea r t h e Cr oss
befor e H e t r u st s t h em wit h H is gr ea t t r ea su r es. I believe it is for ou r good t h a t H is

109 Th e r efer en ce a s t o t h e t wen t y-secon d epist le of St . J er om e "Ad E u st och iu m ", wh ich descr ibes
h ow vividly t h er e wou ld com e t o h im in t h e deser t pict u r es of t h e pom ps a n d va n it ies of pa ga n Rom e.
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Ma jest y is plea sed t o lea d u s in t h is wa y so t h a t we m a y h a ve a clea r u n der st a n din g

of ou r wor t h lessn ess; for t h e fa vou r s wh ich com e la t er a r e of su ch gr ea t dign it y t h a t
befor e H e gr a n t s u s t h em H e wish es u s t o kn ow by exper ien ce h ow m iser a ble we
a r e, lest wh a t h a ppen ed t o Lu cifer h a ppen t o u s a lso.
Wh a t is t h er e t h a t Th ou doest , m y Lor d, wh ich is n ot for t h e gr ea t er good of t h e sou l
t h a t Th ou kn owest t o be a lr ea dy Th in e a n d t h a t pla ces it self in Th y power , t o follow
Th ee wh it h er soever Th ou goest , even t o t h e dea t h of t h e Cr oss, a n d is det er m in ed t o
h elp Th ee bea r t h a t Cr oss a n d n ot t o lea ve Th ee a lon e wit h it ? If a n yon e fin ds
h im self t h u s det er m in ed, t h er e is n ot h in g for h im t o fea r . No, spir it u a l people, t h er e
is n o r ea son t o be dist r essed. On ce you h a ve r ea ch ed so h igh a st a t e a s t h is, in
wh ich you desir e t o be a lon e a n d t o com m u n e wit h God, a n d a ba n don t h e pa st im es
of t h e wor ld, t h e ch ief pa r t of you r wor k is don e. P r a ise H is Ma jest y for t h is a n d
t r u st in H is goodn ess, wh ich n ever yet fa iled H is fr ien ds. Close t h e eyes of you r
t h ou gh t a n d do n ot won der : "Wh y is H e givin g devot ion t o t h a t per son of so few
da ys' exper ien ce, a n d n on e t o m e a ft er so m a n y yea r s?" Let u s believe t h a t it is a ll
for ou r gr ea t er good; let H is Ma jest y gu ide u s wh it h er soever H e wills; we a r e n ot
ou r own , bu t H is. It is a n exceedin g gr ea t fa vou r t h a t H e sh ows u s wh en it is H is
plea su r e t h a t we sh ou ld wish t o dig in H is ga r den , a n d we a r e t h en n ea r t h e Lor d of
t h e ga r den , Wh o is cer t a in ly wit h u s. If it be H is will t h a t t h ese pla n t s a n d flower s
sh ou ld gr ow, som e by m ea n s of t h e wa t er dr a wn fr om t h is well a n d ot h er s wit h ou t
it , wh a t m a t t er is t h a t t o m e? Do Th ou , O Lor d, wh a t Th ou wilt ; let m e n ot offen d
Th ee a n d let n ot m y vir t u es per ish , if, of Th y goodn ess a lon e, Th ou h a st given m e
a n y. I desir e t o su ffer , Lor d, beca u se Th ou didst su ffer . Let Th y will be in ever y wa y
fu lfilled in m e, a n d m a y it n ever plea se Th y Ma jest y t h a t a gift so pr eciou s a s Th y
love be given t o people wh o ser ve Th ee solely t o obt a in con sola t ion s.
It m u st be ca r efu lly n ot ed -- a n d I sa y t h is beca u se I kn ow it by exper ien ce -- t h a t
t h e sou l wh ich begin s t o wa lk r esolu t ely in t h is wa y of m en t a l pr a yer a n d ca n
per su a de it self t o set lit t le st or e by con sola t ion s a n d t en der n ess in devot ion , a n d
n eit h er t o be ela t ed wh en t h e Lor d gives t h em n or discon sola t e wh en H e wit h h olds
t h em , h a s a lr ea dy t r a velled a gr ea t pa r t of it s jou r n ey. H owever oft en it m a y
st u m ble, it n eed n ot fea r a r ela pse, for it s bu ildin g h a s been begu n on a fir m
fou n da t ion .110 Yes, love for God does n ot con sist in sh eddin g t ea r s, in en joyin g t h ose
con sola t ion s a n d t h a t t en der n ess wh ich for t h e m ost pa r t we desir e a n d in wh ich we
fin d com for t , bu t in ser vin g H im wit h r igh t eou sn ess, for t it u de of sou l a n d h u m ilit y.
Th e ot h er seem s t o m e t o be r eceivin g r a t h er t h a n givin g a n yt h in g.
As for poor wom en like m yself, wh o a r e wea k a n d la ck for t it u de, I t h in k it fit t in g
t h a t we sh ou ld be led by m ea n s of fa vou r s: t h is is t h e wa y in wh ich God is lea din g
m e n ow, so t h a t I m a y be a ble t o su ffer cer t a in t r ia ls wh ich it h a s plea sed H is
Ma jest y t o give m e. Bu t wh en I h ea r ser va n t s of God, m en of weigh t , lea r n in g a n d
in t elligen ce, m a kin g su ch a fu ss beca u se God is n ot givin g t h em devot ion , it r evolt s
m e t o list en t o t h em . I do n ot m ea n t h a t , wh en God gives t h em su ch a t h in g, t h ey
ou gh t n ot t o a ccept it a n d set a gr ea t dea l of st or e by it , beca u se in t h a t ca se H is
Ma jest y m u st kn ow t h a t it is good for t h em . Bu t I do m ea n t h a t if t h ey do n ot
r eceive it t h ey sh ou ld n ot be dist r essed: t h ey sh ou ld r ea lize t h a t , a s H is Ma jest y
does n ot give it t h em , it is u n n ecessa r y; t h ey sh ou ld be m a st er s of t h em selves a n d
go on t h eir wa y. Let t h em believe t h a t t h ey a r e m a kin g a m ist a ke a bou t t h is: I h a ve
pr oved it a n d seen t h a t it is so. Let t h em believe t h a t it is a n im per fect ion in t h em

110 [Th e m et a ph or s h er e follow t h e Spa n ish exa ct ly.]

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if, in st ea d of goin g on t h eir wa y wit h fr eedom of spir it , t h ey h a n g ba ck t h r ou gh

wea kn ess a n d la ck of en t er pr ise.
I a m n ot sa yin g t h is so m u ch for begin n er s (t h ou gh I la y som e st r ess u pon it , even
for t h ese, beca u se it is of gr ea t im por t a n ce t h a t t h ey sh ou ld st a r t wit h t h is fr eedom
a n d det er m in a t ion ): I m ea n it r a t h er for ot h er s. Th er e m u st be m a n y wh o h a ve
begu n som e t im e ba ck a n d n ever m a n a ge t o fin ish t h eir cou r se, a n d I believe it is
la r gely beca u se t h ey do n ot em br a ce t h e Cr oss fr om t h e begin n in g t h a t t h ey a r e
dist r essed a n d t h in k t h a t t h ey a r e m a kin g n o pr ogr ess. Wh en t h e u n der st a n din g
cea ses t o wor k, t h ey ca n n ot bea r it , t h ou gh per h a ps even t h en t h e will is in cr ea sin g
in power , a n d pu t t in g on n ew st r en gt h , 111 wit h ou t t h eir kn owin g it . We m u st r ea lize
t h a t t h e Lor d pa ys n o h eed t o t h ese t h in gs: t o u s t h ey m a y look like fa u lt s, bu t t h ey
a r e n ot so. H is Ma jest y kn ows ou r wr et ch edn ess a n d t h e wea kn ess of ou r n a t u r e
bet t er t h a n we ou r selves a n d H e kn ows t h a t a ll t h e t im e t h ese sou ls a r e lon gin g t o
t h in k of H im a n d t o love H im . It is t h is det er m in a t ion t h a t H e desir es in u s. Th e
ot h er a fflict ion s wh ich we br in g u pon ou r selves ser ve on ly t o dist u r b ou r sou ls, a n d
t h e r esu lt of t h em is t h a t , if we fin d ou r selves u n a ble t o get pr ofit ou t of a sin gle
h ou r , we a r e im peded fr om doin g so for fou r . I h a ve a gr ea t dea l of exper ien ce of t h is
a n d I kn ow t h a t wh a t I sa y is t r u e, for I h a ve obser ved it ca r efu lly a n d h a ve
discu ssed it a ft er wa r ds wit h spir it u a l per son s. Th e t h in g fr equ en t ly a r ises fr om
ph ysica l in disposit ion , for we a r e su ch m iser a ble cr ea t u r es t h a t t h is poor
im pr ison ed sou l sh a r es in t h e m iser ies of t h e body, a n d va r ia t ion s of sea son a n d
ch a n ges in t h e h u m ou r s oft en pr even t it fr om a ccom plish in g it s desir es a n d m a ke it
su ffer in a ll kin ds of wa ys a ga in st it s will. Th e m or e we t r y t o for ce it a t t im es like
t h ese, t h e wor se it get s a n d t h e lon ger t h e t r ou ble la st s. Bu t let discr et ion be
obser ved so t h a t it m a y be a scer t a in ed if t h is is t h e t r u e r ea son : t h e poor sou l m u st
n ot be st ifled. P er son s in t h is con dit ion m u st r ea lize t h a t t h ey a r e ill a n d m a ke som e
a lt er a t ion in t h eir h ou r s of pr a yer ; ver y oft en it will be a dvisa ble t o con t in u e t h is
ch a n ge for som e da ys.
Th ey m u st en du r e t h is exile a s well a s t h ey ca n , for a sou l wh ich loves God h a s
oft en t h e exceedin g ill for t u n e t o r ea lize t h a t , livin g a s it is in t h is st a t e of m iser y, it
ca n n ot do wh a t it desir es beca u se of it s evil gu est , t h e body. I sa id we m u st obser ve
discr et ion , beca u se som et im es t h e sa m e effect s will be pr odu ced by t h e devil; a n d so
it is well t h a t pr a yer sh ou ld n ot a lwa ys be given u p wh en t h e m in d is gr ea t ly
dist r a ct ed a n d dist u r bed, n or t h e sou l t or m en t ed by bein g m a de t o do wh a t is n ot in
it s power . Th er e a r e ot h er t h in gs wh ich ca n be don e -- ext er ior a ct s, su ch a s r ea din g
or wor ks of ch a r it y -- t h ou gh som et im es t h e sou l will be u n a ble t o do even t h ese. At
su ch t im es t h e sou l m u st r en der t h e body a ser vice for t h e love of God, so t h a t on
m a n y ot h er occa sion s t h e body m a y r en der ser vices t o t h e sou l. E n ga ge in som e
spir it u a l r ecr ea t ion , su ch a s con ver sa t ion (so lon g a s it is r ea lly spir it u a l), or a
cou n t r y wa lk, a ccor din g a s you r con fessor a dvises. In a ll t h ese t h in gs it is im por t a n t
t o h a ve h a d exper ien ce, for fr om t h is we lea r n wh a t is fit t in g for u s; bu t let God be
ser ved in a ll t h in gs. Sweet is H is yoke, a n d it is essen t ia l t h a t we sh ou ld n ot dr a g
t h e sou l a lon g wit h u s, so t o sa y, bu t lea d it gen t ly, so t h a t it m a y m a ke t h e gr ea t er
pr ogr ess.
I r epea t m y a dvice, t h en (a n d it m a t t er s n ot h ow oft en I sa y t h is, for it is of gr ea t
im por t a n ce), t h a t on e m u st n ever be depr essed or a fflict ed beca u se of a r idit ies or
u n r est or dist r a ct ion of t h e m in d. If a per son wou ld ga in spir it u a l fr eedom a n d n ot

111 [L it.: "is gr owin g fa t a n d t a kin g st r en gt h ." F a t n ess is oft en spoken of in Spa in a s syn on ym ou s
wit h r obu st n ess a n d m a de a su bject of con gr a t u la t ion .]
 77

be con t in u a lly t r ou bled, let h im begin by n ot bein g a fr a id of t h e Cr oss a n d h e will

fin d t h a t t h e Lor d will h elp h im t o bea r it ; h e will t h en a dva n ce h a ppily a n d fin d
pr ofit in ever yt h in g. It is n ow clea r t h a t , if n o wa t er is com in g fr om t h e well, we
ou r selves ca n pu t n on e in t o it . Bu t of cou r se we m u st n ot be ca r eless: wa t er m u st
a lwa ys be dr a wn wh en t h er e is a n y t h er e, for a t su ch a t im e God's will is t h a t we
sh ou ld u se it so t h a t H e m a y m u lt iply ou r vir t u es.

CHAP TER XII

Con tin u es to d escribe th is first state. T ells h ow far, w ith th e h elp of
God , w e can ad van ce by ou rselves an d d escribes th e h arm th at en su es
w h en th e spirit attem pts to aspire to u n u su al an d su pern atu ral
experien ces before th ey are bestow ed u pon it by th e L ord .

Alt h ou gh in t h e la st ch a pt er I digr essed a good dea l a bou t ot h er t h in gs, beca u se

t h ey seem ed t o m e ver y n ecessa r y, wh a t I wa s t r yin g t o m a ke clea r wa s h ow m u ch
we ca n a t t a in by ou r own power a n d h ow in t h is fir st st a ge of devot ion we ca n do a
cer t a in a m ou n t for ou r selves. F or , if we exa m in e a n d m edit a t e u pon t h e Lor d's
su ffer in gs for u s, we a r e m oved t o com pa ssion , a n d t h is gr ief a n d t h e t ea r s wh ich
pr oceed fr om it a r e ver y sweet . An d t h en if we t h in k a bou t t h e glor y we h ope for ,
a n d t h e love wh ich t h e Lor d bor e u s, a n d H is r esu r r ect ion , we a r e m oved t o a
r ejoicin g wh ich is n eit h er wh olly spir it u a l n or wh olly sen su a l, bu t is a vir t u ou s joy;
t h e gr ief a lso is of gr ea t m er it . Of t h is n a t u r e a r e a ll t h e t h in gs wh ich ca u se a
devot ion a cqu ir ed in pa r t by t h e u n der st a n din g, t h ou gh t h is ca n be n eit h er m er it ed
n or a t t a in ed u n less it be given by God. It is best for a sou l wh ich h a s been r a ised n o
h igh er t h a n t h is n ot t o t r y t o r ise by it s own effor t s. Let t h is be n ot ed ca r efu lly, for if
t h e sou l does t r y so t o r ise it will m a ke n o pr ogr ess bu t on ly go ba ckwa r d.
In t h is st a t e it ca n m a ke m a n y a ct s of r esolu t ion t o do gr ea t t h in gs for God a n d it
ca n a wa ken it s own love. It ca n m a ke ot h er a ct s wh ich will h elp t h e vir t u es t o gr ow,
a s is expla in ed in a book ca lled T h e Art of sen sin g God ,112 wh ich is ver y good a n d
su it a ble for per son s in t h is st a t e, beca u se in it t h e u n der st a n din g is a ct ive. Th e sou l
ca n pict u r e it self in t h e pr esen ce of Ch r ist , a n d a ccu st om it self t o becom e en kin dled
wit h gr ea t love for H is sa cr ed H u m a n it y a n d t o h a ve H im ever wit h it a n d spea k
wit h H im , a sk H im for t h e t h in gs it h a s n eed of, m a ke com pla in t s t o H im of it s
t r ia ls, r ejoice wit h H im in it s joys a n d yet n ever a llow it s joys t o m a ke it for get fu l of
H im . It h a s n o n eed t o t h in k ou t set pr a yer s bu t ca n u se ju st su ch wor ds a s su it it s
desir es a n d n eeds. Th is is a n excellen t wa y of m a kin g pr ogr ess, a n d of m a kin g it
ver y qu ickly; a n d if a n yon e st r ives a lwa ys t o h a ve t h is pr eciou s com pa n ion sh ip,
m a kes good u se of it a n d r ea lly lea r n s t o love t h is Lor d t o Wh om we owe so m u ch ,
su ch a on e, I t h in k, h a s a ch ieved a defin it e ga in .
F or t h is r ea son , a s I h a ve sa id, we m u st n ot be t r ou bled if we h a ve n o con sciou s
devot ion , bu t t h a n k t h e Lor d Wh o a llows u s t o h a r bou r a desir e t o plea se H im ,
a lt h ou gh ou r deeds m a y be of lit t le wor t h . Th is m et h od of br in gin g Ch r ist in t o ou r
lives is h elpfu l a t a ll st a ges; it is a m ost cer t a in m ea n s of m a kin g pr ogr ess in t h e
ea r liest st a ge, of qu ickly r ea ch in g t h e secon d degr ee of pr a yer , a n d, in t h e fin a l
st a ges, of keepin g ou r selves sa fe fr om t h e da n ger s in t o wh ich t h e devil m a y lea d u s.

112 By t h e F r a n cisca n P . Alon so de Ma dr id: fir st pu blish ed a t Seville in 1521 a n d r epr in t ed m a n y

t im es in t h e sixt een t h cen t u r y.