1

r/datingoverthirty 3 yr. ago

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Why won’t he just say he’s not interested?

I met a guy a few months ago. Things were going really
great up until around Christmas when we had a
disagreement that was apparently similar to something
he went through with his previous ex. After that,
everything changed. It seems like he’s going through
something but he pushed me away and ended it (both
of us were crying during that.) He says he didn’t find
someone else, but when I asked him to just tell me he
wasn’t interested in me or that I did something to scare
him off… he wouldn’t say it. Instead he keeps saying it’s
him and he’s not ready. But he’s also saying I did
nothing wrong and that everything was fine up until
that argument.

What is going on? I’m so confused and so hurt and I

just don’t feel like I’m getting any of the clarity I need
for closure. I don’t want to give too many details
surrounding the relationship just in case… but things
were getting serious, we were exclusive and I was
falling in love.

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20 28

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eyn2121 • 3y ago

This is going to feel unsatisfying but… it’s very

helpful to realize that closure is something you
give yourself, as opposed to something that other
people give you.

The best way to find closure here is to listen to

what he’s saying and BELIEVE him. Accept that
he’s not ready and not available, grieve the loss,
and then move forward so you can find someone
who is and who can appreciate you the way that
you deserve.

This sucks right now and it will hurt for a bit, but
better days are ahead.

132

ihearthandbags • 3y ago
37
♀
First, stop worrying about getting closure from
him, that’s an inside job. Second, believe him. If
he’s not ready then he’s not ready. Maybe he
didn’t realize it until something triggered him.
That’s not your fault, it was going to happen
eventually.

50

[deleted] • 3y ago

[deleted] • 3y ago

One thing I always tell myself is that silence is the

biggest message of all, I feel you though as I
essentially ghosted just before Christmas, talking
one day, radio silence the next. I know he said he
had alot going on, maybe it was me, maybe it was
him, maybe it was another girl, I am probably
never going to know.. essentially because I am
stubborn and I spent my 20s chasing f@#k boys I
am not going to chase or fix... I am too old now. So
I have left him to it, I'm not messaging for closure.

20

Optimal-Technology75 • 3y ago • Edited 3y ago

Yes this is good. Also, be prepared for him to

pop back up. This may happen anywhere from
1-6 months of radio silence. Carefully gauge
this behavior and do not give him the access
he once had with you so soon because he is
familiar. He may never come back don’t hold
your breath and whatever you want to say
closure wise journal it or type in a memo on
your phone or online journal. People can and
do change but hardly in one month so be leary
of a quick comeback! This sucks and I know
your heart is hurting but you will recover.

[deleted] • 3y ago

Yeh mine sent a random meme? Really, I

responded with ahhh zombie. Think he
sensed I wasn't having it, so I won't hear
from him again likely.... and that's fine by
me!

Optimal-Technology75 • 3y ago

I love it lol !

More replies

dianerrbanana • 3y ago

Omg this. Just leave it on read if they do.

Its a manipulation tactic some folks do to
assert control over another when they feel
they need that ego boost.

Caroline_Bintley • 3y ago

What is going on? I’m so confused and so

hurt and I just don’t feel like I’m getting any
of the clarity I need for closure.

OP, with respect, this is all the closure he can

offer you:

He likes you, but the argument made him realize

he's not in a good place to pursue a relationship.

That's pretty damn cut and dry. Not to mention

the fact that he ended things.

Sometimes things reach their end, and it feels

unsatisfying and unfinished. That's not always a
sign that the other person is withholding the truth
that would grant us closure. It's sometimes just a
sign that the truth sucks.

I'm sorry it hurts. But all you can do is accept that

it's over and resolve to move on.

16

kland84 • 3y ago

Do you really want to be with someone who shuts

down and won’t communicate and/or work on
making things better with you as a team?

29

bfro82 • 3y ago

This.

OP: While it might be tough to see/process

immediately, it's a blessing in disguise to find
this out early on. Also, the more you push at
him and put him on the spot for an answer,
especially in this type of scenario, the less
likely you are to get any type of response
you're wanting and/or expecting. You really
wanting to be walking on eggshells all the
time, never knowing what is going to trigger
the dude? Maybe he thought he was passed
whatever he had going on, but it's clear that
he isn't. Unfortunately, sounds like it's time to
pursue more available pastures.

SpaceAndMolecules • 3y ago • Edited 3y ago

This

Edit: thanks for downvotes? other user said

exactly the same, but laid it all out there. Save
your downvotes & turn ‘em into updoots 4 the
person who elaborated on their “this”

-2

Evaporate3 • 3y ago

It’s only been a few months and you two are on

this unhealthy emotional rollercoaster. I would
move on. Plus you don’t need to be chasing him
and begging him for answers.

[deleted] • 3y ago

Kinda hard to give any opinion without knowing

more.

[deleted] • 3y ago

He was looking for a way out. That's your

closure... knowing there's no more pretend.

[deleted] • 3y ago

Sounds like he did you a favor. Also be wary if he

comes back around after time has passed.

He may just be trying to use you while he can

without the emotional attachment. You'll
remember the good times and likely think he's
ready for a relationship now but he'll ghost after.
I've seen this play out way too many times. Sorry
for the hurt this situation has caused but I suspect
that it saved you from worse hurt if he stuck
around

FurriedCavor • 3y ago

You don’t give any information and want us to

paint a better picture for you? Stop being so
clingy, let him go nothing was serious and he
doesn’t owe you anything. Harping on this is just
possessive and obsessive. Move on it’ll get better.

-1

talalou • 3y ago

This must feel so frustrating because everything

was going well until a disagreement and normally
as 2 adults, you should be able to communicate
and work through it. Why is that not the case
here? How serious was the disagreement?

Perhaps this triggered something like he's not

over his ex or he has something to work through in
himself. He probably really likes you and is
suffering a bit himself but ultimately he has
pushed you away, and has hurt you in the process.

[deleted] • 3y ago

What do you mean by “interested in you?”

Paradox_Blobfish • 3y ago

So fun story but a few years ago, I was in a

relationship. I met someone else through work,
but he was married so obviously this couldn't go
anywhere, but I still developed feelings for him. I
broke off my relationship.

After about a year, those feelings still existed as

we still worked together, but I thought I could just
date other people and that would help. Terrible
mistake, and I ended up going on a few dates only
to say that I was not in a place where I wanted to
date. Maybe he's going through something that
gives him the same issues.

roamingnomad7 • 3y ago
43, UK
♂
His actions show that he's not interested.

Should he give you answers? Yes. Will he? Likely

not.

Needing answers is something you need to work

through; everyone seeks closure in different ways,
but ultimately it can only come from inside.

chillininthebathtub • 3y ago
woman 30

It sounds like me. I'm scared of getting too close

to someone. I tended to push them away when
things got intimate. I might be having some
relationship attachment issues. I don't know
though. I need to see a therapist. But if you still
feel for him, maybe leave him for a few days or a
week, he could go back. I'm just saying this coz
you seem to feel strongly for him and a week isn't
much a waste of time.

blackcherrypaisley • 3y ago

What's going on is that this guy is nowhere near

ready to be in a relationship. This sounds like it
really has nothing to do with you. Maybe he was
self aware enough to realize that it's really not
you, but he's not ready, or he's using it as an
excuse to dump you. Either way, is this someone
you really want to be with? Someone that dumps
you at the first sign of a problem instead of trying
to talk through it?

tree_bells • 3y ago

If he feels the need to end a relationship based on

one argument, then he probably isn't ready for a
relationship.

4214n-Pln • 3y ago • Edited 3y ago

When people don't want to tell you What you did

wrong... Maybe it's because it's not fair tô
complaing about who you are, or qualities that
aren't wrong. Maybe he only don't want you, and
It doesnt mean It lacks something in you, It could
lack something in him, for not loving who you are.

There was a time, I was dating someone younger,

and coudn't handle the drama. Every single little
problem was a big problem for her, maybe a good
boyfriend should be with her, supporting, no
matter the big emotional and issues the anxiety
could bring. When we broke up, the more I talked
about her mistakes, the more It would hurt her,
she really wanted to know, but It wasn't fair for me
tô put this on her. Ps: I did therapy, she didnt
(there was free options, but she didnt wanted),
emotional struggles were shared only with me.

I'm Glad today she's better now. But I resent the

fact I told her her mistakes, sounded selfish of me.
Maybe I was really sufering and was right tô end
It, maybe I should be a better Man tô support
better, even If It wasn't good for me. I'll never
know.

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