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 tTEY T O GO _j
BY P.C VEY

^s£? » TWO06WT yoO KN£vs/ / / / ^ »

D E P A R T M E N T S
LETTERS AND TOMATOES DEPARTMENT:
Random Samplings of Reader Mai

DYSFOXTIONAL FAMILY DEPARTMENT:

"Malcontent In The Muddle" (A MAD TV Satire)

SERGE-IN GENERAL DEPARTMENT:

A MAD Look at Libraries... 13

MAIL DOMINANCE DEPARTMENT:

A Kid's Guide to Writing Letters 18

JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT:

j-*#%r»« N o t e Spy Vs. Spy. 22

ANGSTER'S PARADISE DEPARTMENT:

Monroe &...The Special Delivery 24
% verv l i c e n c e , * * * * £ , oo(0 r . " *
two • * * * • , T e .WW**; " t h e firrt time in I FEEL YOUR VEIN DEPARTMENT:
A Bloody Mess. 30

SHYAMALAN-A-DING-DONG DEPARTMENT:
"Unbearable" (A MAD Movie Satire)

**-*****. the e a \ t o r ^ ^
 warner bros.com

What, me website?

••• ••••• ••• •••

*••• ••••• ••••

IV2N
;-.^;
-^ y
^
madmag.com: Further Proof That The Internet Is N o t Living Up To Its Potential.

©2000 Warner Bros. S2000 E.C. Publications. Inc. All Rights Reserved.
 MORE DEPARTMENTS

S! THEY DID IT AGAIN DEPARTMENT:

10 Sure Signs You're Suffering
From March Madness .36 **
1996
Crayola Annoucnes GRIEVING LAS VEGAS DEPARTMENT:
New Crayon Color,
Trashy White, in Mad's Celebrity Cause-of-Death
1997
Honor of Paula Jones
IRS Disallows
Betting Odds 38
Dallas Cowboys
Player to Write
218 B.C. Off Cocaine
Hannibal Recrosses THE DEPTHS OF REPAIR DEPARTMENT:
as a "Business
The Alps Upon Deduction"
Home Despot Sales Circular 39
Discovering He Left
His Wallet at the Hotel

1992 ANGIO-PLASTICMAN DEPARTMENT:

1989 Saddam Hussein Refuses to Dick Cheney Electrocardiograms
Let Olympic Judges Inspect
CIA Foils Plans of Chinese
Iraqi Ski Team's Stretch Pants
We'd Like to See 40
Spies to Steal "The
Clapper" Technology

AVE DEPARTMEN1
2000: The Year in Film 42

CLOTHES MINDED DEPARTMENT:

Other Fashion Names
That Are Actually Acronyms.

BERGS-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT:

The Lighter Side of 45

CHICKS WITH KICKS DEPARTMENT:

"Cheesy Angles"
(Another MAD Movie Satire) 50

MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT:

"Drawn Out Dramas" Various Places
by Sergio Aragones Around the Magazine

"Be wary of anyone

who gives you advice
that begins with,
'Be wary of...!' "

FRONT COVER ARTIST: ROBERTO PARADA

 . _ „„tnrne'

* * * * . $ & *
I have been a reader of MAD for
about Tli years and I have a dumb wish
MORON MAIL — THE RETURN f o r 7<£e '7H*£e /4 T>u*n& "WoA "?<nc*uUu>w.m.
I noticed that you have some guy I wish that Antonio Prohias would
named "Ed" whose job is to reply to make a "Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Spy" because I
reader mail in your letters department. enjoy them.
I was thinking that since my name is
also Ed, that I could someday apply for Mark Hudson, Cedar Rapids, IA
the position of responding to numb- Marcus — It's rare that we at 7/i* "TtU&e.
skull letters. Please let me know if this ^4 "DU*K& 7t>6&6. "?o«*tdatio«. ™ receive a letter
is possible. as dumb as yours. Have Antonio Prohias
create a "Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Spy"? As even a
Ed Paz, Greendale, WI casual MAD reader would know, Antonio
Eddie — In your numbskull letter, when Prohias died two years ago (See Letters
you presume you could respond to numb- Page #371). He's dead, dead, dead and
skull letters just because your name is Ed, so for that matter is your dumb wish!
you were wrong. —Ed. Thanks for writing! —Ed.

Start the New Year-off Steven Kruszkowski of Maynard, MA snaus a

three-year subscription with this celebnty f i n

• - ...-vilroii? Foot Get This

on the
co
v2f, f •^ ° "mdentally, is featured in
Magazine!
Page seven! Congrats Steve - S S n J S r t S

PROSE AND CONVICTS

Just like to say I'd be lost without
your magazine, passing those long
locked-up nights. I don't know what
I'd do. Maybe freak out and add anoth-
er charge. Which is not right anyway,
'cause I didn't do it! You understand?
Huh? O.K., I'm calm now.
Marco Miles, Boulder County Jail
Boulder, CO
P.S. Could you send me a free
subscription?
Marco Polo — Thanks for writing. Your
letter once again validates our sales
force's number one slogan "MAD: It's a
Great Prison Read." Unfortunately, we
can't send you a free subscription. We
are, however, sending you a grapefruit
spoon in a Hostess Twinkie. Start now
and freedom could be yours as early as
2037. See ya on the outside! — Ed.
P.S. Give our best t o Captain Hank!
 tftatt

PEOPLE, PEOPLE
1IH0 NEEDLE PEOPLE...
Is Barry L i e b m a n n from Canada, per-
h a p s a relative of Celine Dion? T h e rea-
MADMAG.COMPLIMENTS son I ask is his third p o i n t against
George W. Bush ("The Case For/Against
You guys have b e e n with m e for most of Gore/Bush" MAD #398), that "other William M. Gaines
m y life. I started reading MAD when I was politically ambitious governors will fry founder
seven. My parents recognized at a n early as m a n y c r i m i n a l s in t h e electric chair
age that I h a d a weird sense of humor. In as George W. did..." Texans haven't used Jenette Kahn
fact, whenever I was sick as a child, along Ol' Sparky since Hector was a p u p . president & editor-in-chief
with chicken soup c a m e t h e latest issue of Texas uses lethal injection to dispose of
MAD. They k n e w it would m a k e m e feel its Death Row guests. George W. never Paul Lcvitz
better. H u m o r is the greatest healer. T h a t fried anyone, although m a n y deserved executive vice president & publisher
was 1974. Although I should have sub- it. You c a n quit worrying about j ' o u r
power grids. Millions of readers will Nick Meglin & John Ficarra
scribed, I never have. But I still regularly editors
b u y each new issue as they come out. To probably b e misled by Barry's ground-
less fearmongering.
this day, 26 years later, if m y parents k n o w
Editorial:
I'm ill, the3 r will m a k e a special trip just to
William Cowper Brann, Waco, TX Charlie Kadau & Joe Raiola
b r i n g m e t h e latest issue. It's a thirty-mile
drive for them (oka}', so they're checking Wild Bill — Thanks for your wonderfully senior editors
up on me, too) but they always b r i n g the attuned letter. In answer t o your question,
David Shayne associate editor
"Usual Gang of Idiots" with them. You yes, Barry Liebmann is from Canada and
guys ( a n d girls) have helped m e through may have once shared an escalator with Amy Vozeolas assistant editor
some h a r d times a n d j'ou've always m a d e Celine Dion. As t o your point about O l ' Dick DeBartolo creative consultant
the good times better. I just want to t h a n k Sparky vs. Lethal Injection, about halfway
through your ranting, rambling letter we Dorothy Crouch vp-licensed
all of you crazy people who make life a lot
more tolerable. would have welcomed either! See ya on publishing and associate publisher
The Green Mile! By the way, who t h e
Sam Price, Gainesville, FL @#$!% is Hector??? —Ed. Art Department:
The Price is Right — Thanks for your won- Sam VTviano art director
derful and heartwarming letter. Now get out Nadina Simon associate art director
your credit card and dial 1 -800-4-MADMAG
Leonard Brenner graphics consultant
and subscribe already so your parents don't
have t o drive for hours just t o take care of Maria Wyche production artist
their sick little babesy-wabesy and make
Circulation:
sure their pumpkinhead has the latest issue!
Tracy Bowen manager-newsstand sales
Again, thanks for your kind letter. — E d .
Administration:
Patrick Caldon vp-finance & operations
Alison Gill exec, director - manufacturing
: ENVELOPE OF TEE MONTH Jon Ljungberg of Lillian Laserson vp & general counsel
Winnipeg, Canada
sends us this issues Contributing Artists
Envelope of the And Writers
Month featurins the usual gang of idiots
MAD founder
William M. Gaines,
who, unfortunately,
like Antonio Prohias, MAD (ISSN 0024 9319) is published monthly by E.C.
is dead, dead Publications, Inc., 1700 Broadway, New York, N.y. 10019.
Periodicals postage paid at New York, N.Y and at addition-
dead. Thanks for al mailing offices. Subscription in U.S.A.: 12 issues S24.00
or 24 issues S4S.00 or 36 issues $60.00. Outside U.S.A.
depressing the hell (including Canada): 12 issues $30-00 or 24 issues SS7.00 or
out of us, Jon! 36 issues S78.00. (Canadian price has GST tax included.)
Entire contents © copyright 2001 by E.C. Publications, Inc.
Allow 10 weeks for change of address to become effective, .
and include mailing label when making change of address
or inquiring about your subscription. POSTMASTER: send
address change to MAD, PO. Box 52345 Boulder, CO
80322-2345. The Publisher and Editors will not be respon-
sible for unsolicited manuscripts, and request ali manu-
scripts be accompanied by a stamped self-addressed
return envelope. The names of characters used in all MAD
fiction and semi-fiction are fictitious. A similarity without
satiric purpose to a living person is a coincidence.
 ^•ev -o-ve vtcl-

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 DYSFOXTIONAL FAMILY DEPT.

Somehow those nutheads at Fox TV got the idea that dysfunctional equals funny. "Imagine how hilarious it will be,"
they said, " i f we get dysfunctional parents and some dysfunctional kids and have t h e m surround a whiny semi-
normal kid w h o w o n ' t shut up. It will be comedy g o l d ! " Gold? Hmmm. We think it's just nonstop dribblings from a...

RICHMOND WRITER: DESMOND DEVLIN

In real life, when a kid starts talking to some- Over there screaming at my family is There goes my dad,
body who's invisible, they jack up his dosage my mom. Mom! She's overbearing, Dad! He provides
of Ritalin! On Fox, they gave me my own brash, has poofy hair and a white-trash us with something
show! My job is to keep the ratings cruising attitude! But don't get me wrong, she important that
along, from Futurama to King of the Hill to prays every day! Mostly, she prays that our family would
The Simpsons, but it's going to be tough! The nobody will remember Peggy Bundy otherwise lack:
1
people on this show aren't nearly as realistic! from Married...
~ With Children .
rr
a mother figure!

The only one in my family 1 look up to is That's Gooey, the adorable little kid! He
my big brother, Frantic! Unfortunately, mom trouble keeping up! You'll notice that we
and dad sent him away to military school, so| ^f rarely feed him more than one sentence to
he sleeps in a room with 30 men! During \r* say! Even then, it's a real struggle coaching
hazing week, they stripped off his clothes, Gooey to say the words as if he understands
shaved off all his body hair and shoved them! I'm not complaining, though! It's the
stuff up his butt! My parents are hoping same problem George W. Bush's handlers
military school will make a man ofV.him! have to deal with every single day!

ny\
7/

fX
\X

Reek is the #2 brother, if you know what I mean! He's not as Coming over to visit is my friend
smart as me! He's not as cute as Gooey! He's not as sociopathic Skeevy! He was the second
as Frantic! He's nothing but a twisted second-place loser! If those person Fox TV signed under its
people who make TV shows about bitter former child actors have 'Hire the Handicapped" program!
any foresight, they'll sign Reek to an exclusive contract today The first was Keith Olbermann!
X
 Thanks...
puff...Reek
...for making
...pant... your
house... huff...
handicapped...
accessible!

Speaking The producers of this show They

of hoarse m get the 1 But honey! 1did that think that nothing's funnier Boy... puff... really what?
breathing. fi applesauce, a 1 Just once, 1
four times than two married people still Malcontent... WHAT?
there M pair of pre- 1 why can't 1
before and being hot for each other! That's your... The S.O.S.
go my 1 cooled ice 1 we have 1 look what what happens when you live in hack...mom from the
parents tongs and the 1 normal love 1
we ended Titanic came
again! hamster wheel! Hollywood! The AOL 5.0 update and., .huff... through
1 making? 1 up with! dad really...
lasted longer than most of quicker!
the marriages out here! choke... really..

Skeevy and I are different from the other Whoops! 1 should have warned you!
kids! We're in the gifted class for The director throws in a weird camera
geniuses! We get to study advanced angle or an extreme closeup whenever
calculus, interdimensional theory an episode starts to drag! In other
words, every 40 seconds! It's good
and biotechnology, while the dummies in for the show, though! I understand
our school waste their time playing sports, there are already two dozen fan
doing drugs, and having sex! Ha! The poor websites devoted to my left nostril!
saps don't know what they're missing!
I'm home! Of course Or that mom and I didn't notice any I was starting to Our series has
:'m back, dad sent him of that! When I get nervous! The all the cruelty
Frantic! doofball! away to a spend 90% of the show's been on and violence
YES! Haven't you military school time staring into for almost five of the World
You're noticed that thatjust happens the camera talking minutes! We never Wrestling
home from come home to be across to you, 1 miss a lot go that long Federation...
military to visit in the street from of what goes on without a barbaric only without
school! every episode? our house? around here! act of mayhem! the subtlety!

Hi, Frantic! Well, just remember one thing. Mister! This is the part of
You haven't Pretty good! I got Life is no day at the circus! So you have to the show where mom
visited us an A- in Vandalism, make sure Mr. Elephant doesn't eat your spews out her loony
from school B's in Advanced last peanut! Just because you can fill a analogies and advice!
since eight Torture and Abuse, tiny car with 24 midget clowns is no reason It's always a bunch of
this morning! and an Incomplete to assume the ringmaster is your friend! nonsensical, nonlinear
How are in Hostage Do you want to be the guy who rides the non sequiturs! It's
your grades? Negotiating! horse, or the guy who washes the horse? also non-funny!

Son, when- That's very astute. Malcontent! Um...ah I'm leaving! It's The big
ever your But this is pointless, I'll bring that up at the next hey, mom! time for one of difference
mother forced wackiness! This rehearsal! With your IQ, I'm You left those kooky is, in my
gets this week, "life isn't a circus!" sure you'll come up with out the "abandonment" family our
way, it's Last week, "life wasn't an replacement jokes for all the part gimmicks I do! It male bonding
bestjust African safari!" Next week. filler we'll be cutting out of about gives you boys a generally
to let "life won't be a course in the show, thanks to your ideas! the lion chance for some involves
her air conditioner repair!" male bonding! Krazy Glue!
tamers!
 U- - ^ A_
Yow! Hey dad. Good work, ^_ Hell no! If it weren't
We must be That reminds me. son! We Gooeyjust son! Excellent! L. for random acts of
doing nothing got a call from a lady roasted your destruction, we'd
again, complaining about the wedding _ ] Aren't you never get a plot going
because the irritating, super-stylized album in the going to around here! Now,
camera angle way we look on TV! She microwave! punish him? we're in business!
just went says we throw in these _T Missy
dipsy-doodle! crazy shots for no reason! [~] Elliott!

^L II ' ' JUL _LLL JJ L _!L

This isn't the kind of
wwnw
With But isn't this like the I know! Despite what FOX
thing a person can Right! We'll go buy parenting like episode where we promos say, these plots are
duck responsibility some bridal magazines. this, is it any wrecked mom's dress about as wild and original
for! The best thing cut out the photos and wonder that and tried to hide it from as when the Brady boys broke
to do is sit mom digitally manipulate I'll probably her? Or where we mom's favorite vase! It's
down, tell her the images to fool her end up wrecked the house and Newton's Third Law of Sitcom
something terrible into thinking the running my tried to hide it? Or when Physics! For every action,
has happened, and wedding album is very own we wrecked mom's— there is a zany reaction!
just show her— still in one piece! suicide cult?
m

There you Okay, it's ALMOST

go! It's perfect! 111 just
perfect! tell your mother
that that photo
Oh yeah? got switched with
Then how the negative!
come you Okay, assume
and mom places, and wait
are black? for your mother!

10
 V
What now? Nobody! i Yeah.
Who thought The I I
up this eye- cameraman ; § know
catching just j the
camera fell 1 feel-
angle? asleep! ing!

Okay, enough I'm home! 1_J Look who I've This is the Hold
dysfunctional been reminiscing kind of nutty it! Because we don't have
interaction! Quick! Put this with! The coincidence you Why don't have a as many
It's time for back on the shelf! minister who only get on TV! is it jarring laugh LAUGHS like
fr Hopefully, it'll Which is a very so jif track like ordinary,
Newton's Fourth married us!
be five years good argument quiet ••most ordinary,• badly-written
Law of Sitcom And he wants for going
Physics! The before she even to see the in I badly-written f:\ sitcoms do
to museums! here? sitcoms do! either!
shortest bothers to... wedding album!
distance between
two
plot points is
the most
implausible!

We It measures the level of Careful, Dad, this is like the You're embarrassed?
have a unusual behavior in our Kids, come look! Dad! 30th gratuitous How do you think
quirk- house! In lieu of actual It took me three You just naked scene we've I feel? It's so cold
o-meter! comedy we just throw a load years, but I filled busted done this season! in here they have me
of weird stuff against the up an empty the quirk- It's getting blocked off by a
What's a wall each week and hope mayonnaise jar o-meter tiny salt shaker!
quirk- embarrassing!
that the audience thinks with toenail into
o-meter?
 ''r.-t=g==^=gf?Ti
This brings back I also don't recall Jerk! What's L l Nice try, Shaq!
so many images... And l m I told you the story? f~~] Now do I get
a B+ review of the
so many weird fairly not to
new 'N Sync album
images! I don't certain that cut those
being part of my did not
remember Gwyneth pictures
Paltrow being wedding dress! Or conduct the out of
your best man! a milk mustache Entertain-
on the caterer, ment
supermodel Weekly!
Christy Turlington!

You might say that everything's l_L Say something, damn you! Acknowledge me! Who
back to abnormal around here! am I talking to? I'm so terribly alone! Nun! Nun! Nuh!
My brother Frantic went back
to military school, but he'll
probably be back for dinner!
The Coast Guard radioed that
they spotted Skeevy off the coast
of Newfoundland! 1 assume Gooey
is still in the mall fountain
where we left him yesterday!
SERCE-IN GENERAL DEPT.
 •^ ^

14
ysf ^^g

15
16
 1

p**

Soon to
r-i YeTd e game console.

-STARRING-

fc Vikki Grimm www.3D0.com

 MAIL DOMINANCE PEPT.

It seems no one has time to write a letter anymore. Communication has been
reduced to a quick phone message, a brief fax, or a few numbers sent on
a pager. A good old-fashioned letter has become a lost art! We at MAD
want to put a halt to this disturbing trend because frequently the best way
to get what you want is by crafting a manipulative missive. Our lofty goal is
to pass on to America's youth the rewards that await them if only they
correctly take pen in hand. Thus, therefore, and hence, we present to you . . .

State the letter's

THANK YOU LETTER intention right up front.
TO GRANDMA ^ ^ H

Throw in a little braq to

ensure that the money y
Dear Qrandwa, [jeeps rolling in,
Make a wizened statement
of fiscally sound policy- Ohcxnk tf&'U- -f&r * ^ e w a n e u . I JuriJUl
pM-i Xit Jen the b<xnk. X AJTJJUI AxSe Ajt Wake extraneous
"tor b-ay* a dorm^pA/Jter Axrhsn X *m cruder. reference to the
X h<xd a ieSi lueSiercLCLiu. X %&t a n A. sweater she gave
you for Christmas
(Jftcxube jJt MT<XS b e a a - a . s e X -urore "the red to ensure more
money next t / m e
«S-ureaTter)>o-C7AanK5 a ^ a - l n -for =£Ae »w>neu!
1

Aoftre, ^Agnmifi
ir\ fill . ^
f
first line
J ° '» up more space.
StfCLTku CfAXT CCvt

Note: Copy letter for all other

birthday thank yous, adding only
minor variations such as 'Thank you
Draw a primitive picture very much!" 'Thanks!" and "Thanx!"
somewhere, anywhere, on
the card (preferably of
animals smiling or talking).

•r
«*£&** w
htor Skate,-co,
rDon't
be too specific.
or example, don't

"">? Hzllo, mj name, is John Ve.te.rs. I bought a dt-fe-ctive,

skate.board -From your company last wttk. I was skate-
mention your dad
smashed it with the

J} in the driveway
boarding to church on Sunday, as I usually do whin IVM
not studying -for advanced placimesrt classes or doing
community Sin/ice, -for the, tldtrly, whin suddenly the, - I Be graphic
whitls locked and I coaS Sint -flying forward. A truck about how close
you came to
thin rollid ovtr my board. Luckily, my Spine, wasn't *L Catastrophic injury
Splintirid in two like, my board. My daddy Says I
should sue, you -for ivirything you're, worth, but all
Show that
Make them panic. I nally want is a new skateboard. you're willing
Quick solutions I hope, wt can char up this little. aproblim° aS Soon to take care of
and tree skateboards
as possible,. _*rns "out of court'
will follow.
John Ve.te.rs
VS. bid X mint ion my dad's a lawyir?

* RYAN P A « L O W
&UIDE TO WRITING LETTERS
S f AN *****
S!>0**
Dear Satnhiy £>osa, -
I love »o±chiyi3 you Fky. W w ^ ******
player. I liked you even before you won the*
AlVP awortf. I Ate *> ^/ay toeAa// too, but
J /rote >*y % an* AavW* />ee» a/>/e to fky
1
this seesu*. It would mem a lot while I stf

baseball cord.

i ^ H ^ H ^ ^ ^ ^our bestest -fan,

Billy

PS. I i^ow yo*Ve />*>sy Jo <£>"'* Aotfief- *>

jfah the card to Yne, just sip your name

4:4.,

Note: Do not type!

It's t o o obvious and
blows your cover.
A K I D S GUIDE TO
WRITING LETTER UTTER TO MOM
AND DAO
Give only pertinent
information: Don t OearMomandDad "If
mention that you
haven't practiced
piano tor two years^ »1
Jwve been r e d d e d L ^ ^ a t t o n channel

Fabricate some
Psychological damage
« t h e threat to live
at home for the rest
or their lives.

, y °ur unloved 5 P r r t h W
Alberts /*, second son, Use a yellow Post-it
note for drama.

*STT*ft TO Note: Use e-mail so you

AM EXPERT can cut and paste the
response right into your
final homework paper.

Don't mention Assisting a Fellow Researcher p've him the

it's a fifth Subject: impression
grade paper. that you've
k Dear Dr. Donald R. Petterson, already done
' I am doing a research paper on gorillas. I am familiar with your work the research.
, and was wondering, as a colleague, if you could shed some light on.
Make him feel a few questions I have with my thesis. I've searched everywhere. ^
recognized
and famous. 1. Where do gorillas live?
2. What do they (the gorillas) eat?
3. In 200 words or more, why are gorillas endangered?
Thank you for your help. If you ever have any questions with your
research I would be happy to help.
To look more formal,'
include one middle Sincerely,
William D.L. Smitn
initial more than Indiana State Obscure your location
the person you re
, to sound like an
writing to. 1
academic institution^
;.
 sr-

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 JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT.

ARTIST AND WRITER: PETER KUPER

22
 ANCSTER S PARADISE DEPT.

Ah, the sights,

sounds and smells
of childbirth.
Boil some?water
and tear up
softie sheets —
thebigday
has arrived!
ARTIST: Bill. WRAY WRITER: ANTHONY BARBIERt
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I FEEL YOUR VEIN DEPT.

You naughty boy! I told Hello, Hello again.. .No, I can't talk now, Betty and Debbie are
you not to call me - hold Cooper both out today and I'm here alone, okay? Bye...
on, I have another call! Clinic...
 S H Y A M A L A N D I N C D O N G DEPT.

Oh no! Not another movie that teams up Bruce Willis with writer/director M. Night Shyamalan! The Sixth Sense was bad
enough! But this one is even more slow-paced, even HOKIER with its supernatural themes, even more reliant on cliched
upside-down camera angles and uses even more symbolic colors that symbolize nothing! In fact, this one is just plain...

u NBEARABLE
This twisted metal is all
ARTIST: ANCELO TORRES WRITER: DICK D EBARTOLO

I'm Deadly Dull, a security guard 1 was born frail! How frail?
that's left of an express with so-so psychic powers and an At the moment of birth,
train that left the tracks even worse fashion sense! 1 mostly the doctor slapped my
at high speed today! And wear ponchos that hide my face! butt and broke 17 bones!
THIS lucky man seems to be For formal affairs. I wear a black The first word 1 ever
the only person still poncho! For the beach, I wear a blue uttered was "fracture"!
alive! He's actually very poncho, and when I garden, I wear Once, a guy standing next
lucky, because the conductor a green poncho! It's not like I to me blew his nose and
didn't collect his ticket don't have an imagination! My broke MY neck! The last
before the wreck, so he'll imagination is as vast as...er, as time I chewed a piece of
be able to ride for vast as...um. something very, very gum, I broke my jaw! I
free on his next trip! vast! And trust me, THAT'S vast! tell you, I'm frail!

I love my dad! 1 want to be exactly like him when I'm Ordinarily Dull, Deadly Dull's wife! Right now
1 grow up! Except I don't want to be bald, I'd like to our marriage is kind of on the rocks! I'm not sure
have a wife who sleeps in the same bed as me, I'd like exactly what went wrong! We used to love the same
to have a decent job and earn more than a crappy things — attending funerals, staring at blank walls,
Security Guard's salary, I don't want to be such an mumbling over a glass of wine! But now I suspect he
introvert, and I look dreadful in a poncho, so I'd like might be mumbling with somebody else! I've decided
to wear ANYTHING but one of those! Outside of that. to give him another chance, because basically he's
I want to be a carbon copy of the old man! a good man! A quiet man! Almost a dead man!
i I — M
33
Why are you staring Really? Look, I have a You asked how No sick days, but
at me like that, doc? broken fingernail on many sick days That's twice you took
XE my right hand and a you took in the great! maternity leave, seven
You were in a horrible smudge on my left five years you've Thenl times you took off time
train wreck! Every- worked here! The guess I to attend your grand-
calf! That's not getting answer is "none"! should mother's funeral and you
one died except you, away without a mark!
and you don't have a You took no sick get a always take off on Arbor
single mark on you! No wonder people days in five years! raise! Day! Forget the raise!
call doctors quacks!

;
y^T II > ^ v If you almost
I was Oh those! They I read in the Actually,
the one There was were a couple of paper that you 1 was once injured in a car ^ drowned, that 1 always
who put something my fingers! They escaped a major wreck and in school I nearly means water is wear a
that else on your Achilles' poncho
broke off when 1 train wreck drowned! Because of me, they Heel! You should
note on my wind- drained the pool and never in the
lifted the wipers! without injury! always shower shower!
your shield filled it again! It eliminated all
along with I thought they But I must ask, fully dressed! 3 A white
wind- drowning accidents, but diving
shield! the note! had broken off have you ever '!"' ii:.u i.;.m one!
in my glove! been injured? accidents went up 1,000%!

I have a rare genetic disorder! Sticks and stones By the Do you have 1 can't | Yes, I charge
can break my bones, but a gentle breeze can way, Thanks! J anything by believe top dollar, and
also break my knees! 1 watched people die in your Angelo Torres? how yet 1 undersell
fires and plane crashes and then 1 saw a story 1 have high
shop has S the Warner
about a train accident with a sole survivor, un- quite assembled What part priced Brothers
harmed! 1 began to wonder is there someone like an im- the finest of "finest" all this Studio Store
me out there — at the opposite end of the scale... pressive examples of don't you art is!
comic art by about
collection! understand? 300%!
in the world! |—[
 This is one of my toughest That's a safe bet! This is a | Hey you, stop! I don't know! Every
assignments! Security at a football football game! Fans are very said stop! time a strange-looking
game! See that guy in the camouflage competitive! I bet you 90% of HE six-foot man with a wild,
jacket? I think he's carrying a gun! the fans are carrying guns! deranged look and a
purple leather trench coat,
a glass cane, a limp and a
misshapen Afro chases
me, / always slow down!

_L
Possible? You broke a Like I said, you'll be I'd say the chances
You don't lot of bones Six months? here for half an of that coincidence
know for sure? i when you Doc. I can't hour —just enough happening are
took that pay for time to chat with a one in a million!
horrendous that! physical therapist,
fall! You'll be
in the hospital
I don't
have any
who just happens to
be the wife of that
Dull guy you've
In a movie this
contrived, the
chances are
T
for at least medical been driving nuts! one in one!
six months! insurance!

Since you asked, my husband A blessing? I can see how

would have played pro football a man giving up a million
if we hadn't been involved in a or more bucks to do some-
terrible car accident! He was thing he loved would
consider a car wreck that
offered millions of dollars to play, took it all away a blessing!
but I wouldn't have married him if Just the way Gore thought
he went pro! So we both consider Florida was a blessing!
the car wreck a huge blessing!
 My God, Are you crazy? That's I can't leave you alone! There are too many Hmmm...I see your
Joketh, a water pistol! You dissimilarities in our lives! Don't you see all point! You have real acting
I want to skills! I don't! We're on the
what prove dad's know about him and the non-connections? Your bones don't break,
are you mine do! You don't get sick, I do! You don't same curve, just at opposite
a true super- water! It will kill him ends! Or to put it another
doing hero! I want in a second! If you get HBO, I do! You don't put your socks on
with with Krazy Glue, I do! You don't have these way, we're at opposite ends
to see if he wanna use a gun, play of the same curve! You're
that survives if I it safe! His .38 service excruciatingly long, boring speeches, I do!
gun! shoot him! We are connected by our unconnectedness! not as stupid as I thought!
revolver's in the closet!

What are all these Never! I'm Says me! "Security Please! I
diplomas on your Yes, and thanks to you, I've found my real self! turning Man"! The caped may split my
wall? A Degree in When I set an office building on fire, I said to you in, crusader who fights sides laugh-
Fire Arts! A Masters myself, "is that an all right thing to do?" When and you're evil and arch villains, ing! Oh my
in Sabotage! A I planted a bomb aboard a plane, I wondered, going to jail! no matter where they God,I DID
Doctorate in Train "am I being a bad sport?" But when I caused H Nil hide! Today, a crime split my sides
Wrecks? YOU caused that train wreck and met you, I realized that I'm Oh really? fighter! Tomorrow, laughing!
that train wreck! Says who? a comic book hero! Ahhhhh!
"no more Mr. Nice Guy!" Can you forgive me?
A DIP SO
IT SHOULD
spicy* EINVE
HEAD

. AND DARN PROUD OF IT.

 HOOPS! THEY DID IT AGAIN DEPT.

It starts with 64...

then there's 32...
then 16...
then 8...
until it's finally down to just four survivors!
Some new cheesy. Big Brother rip-off CBS
reality show? Perhaps! But we're talking about
America's inexplicable obsession with the college
basketball tournament! How about you? Are you
addicted to hardwood? Maybe you recognize all of the

v^
en
GAFFNEV;
GET IN THERE
MAIL ArtO Fix THAT
F
ROOM AX MACHINE/

[PH/a
°1
 n
your work.
without balking
37
 G R I E V I N G LAS VEGAS DEPT.

MAD's
PEbEBRITy CflUSE-OF-DEflTU

Our team of crack oddsmakers gives you the latest Vegas line on how one
of today's biggest stars will join Tupac and Biggie in the 'Hood-after!

THIS MONTH'S FUTURE REAL DEAD SLIM SHADY:

O 0 N A
CAUSE OF PEAIM > ^^^Bf^
by offended and ai^efed..' ~ ~ -. ; "
...wife •'•• 1:1 ->'V-i
...mother 1:1 l i ^ - ^ ^ f l . I H ]
; .Mgay person 1:1 ^•fiS
\i0- w/CM| ":/01ae}c person III;
fa*+*±M ...feminist•/ 1:1

and angered fan o f . ~ V ; ?*

...Christina Aguilera.
...Britney Spears 1:1
^:;;;v;iMsync'--\J;rl'
completely^*
feoViife 3§;000JQ0:1
 THE DEPTHS OF REPAIR DEPT.

ILL CLLLC
If You Find a Lower Price
Anywhere Else, So What?

m,ooo
Deluxe Storage Shed
Store your tools and more in this super-sized
backyard shed. Comes complete with
adjustable shelving, handyman's
workbench, Jacuzzi, banquet hall,
Pre-Bent Nails ballroom and optional walk-in wine cellar.
Why pay extra for straight nails when you've (Some assembly required,
botched every hammer job you've tried since
1987? Bent at a variety of angles for your
convenience, these light-weight, aluminum
nails are ideal for gluing onto cardboard and
paper. (Not recommended for use with wood.)

Murderous-Gro Fertilizer
Perfect for making homemade bombs
and other explosive devices. The choice
of terrorists around the globe!
Not recommended for tomato plants.

The Ultimate EZ-Lock™

You'll never forget your combination again
with the new Ultimate EZ-Lock™ from
Crapperco! With the advanced one-turn-in-
any-direction-to-any-number method, open-
ing your lock is now a snap, both for you and
everyone else. (Please Note: Manufacturer
not responsible for stolen property.)

ARTIST- C,(ORf.F WOflDRRirif.f WRITFR<- IFFF KRIKF AMn R l l « fCtClOtD 39

 Supplies For the Stubborn
Handyman of the House Who
Just Refuses to Acknowledge He
Doesn't Know What He's Doing!
Jangly
*
17
Cordless Hammer
How many times have you
Utility Belt wished you could hammer
Work Area Holds plenty
of heavy tools,
a nail without having that
annoying cord get in the way?
Signs guaranteed to pull
your pants down
Well, here's your answer!
From the makers of the
for maximum butt- cordless extension cord.
crack exposure,
DANGER! like real fix-it guys.
STOPPING TO
*
READ THIS SIGN
INCREASES THE
CHANCE OF A STEEL
9
Tin-Tuff Fake
Toolbox
BEAM FALLING ON Realistic-looking
YOU BY 87% "toolbox" is actually a
cooler. You can appear
to be hard at work
when, in fact, you are
drinking the day away!
Holds approx. 24 cans.

WARNING!
WOMEN PASSING •
HERE MAY BE SUBJECT
TO OBSCENE GESTURES,
VULGAR LIP SMACKING
AND RUDE COMMENTS
ABOUT THE SIZE
OF THEIR
*6
Work Gloves
/PAIR

You name the number

BUTTOCKS
of remaining fingers -
we have the glove
for you! Available in
Medium, Large
and Stumpy.

THINK!
ABOUT HOW
WEIRD IT IS THAT
"FLAMMABLE" MEANS
*
47
Annoy-A-Lot
THE SAME THING AS Leaf Blower
"INFLAMMABLE" Notice it's called a
"leaf blower" and not a
"leaf remover" or a
"leaf picker-upper."
Three-speed option allows A
you to spray leaves, dirt
and branches in 132
different directions. 486
decibel level guarantees
you'll disturb everyone
.-y within a 30-mile radius.
(Protective ear-wear

MM h„ sold separately.)

40
 Return
Any Item To Us
415-Outlet In Perfect Condition
Strip And We Will Get
Maximize your
electrical output! All Of Our Money Back
Now you can From The Manufacturer!
conveniently operate
415 of your favorite
household appliances
at a time, or one
device that requires
45,650 volts.
Approximately 17 feet
long. UL Unapproved.
Life-Size
Waterfall Kit
Forget about
those wimpy front
lawn jobs. This
E-Z to assemble
tonsai Tree 147-square acre
.umber cascade will
inally, an alternative to provide you and
lose cumbersome and
your family with
ard-to-store Popsicle
ticks! Choose from 1", a breathtaking
" or 2.5" beams. An conversation piece.
xcellent choice for Water not included.
uilding matchboxes
nd all your miniscule
onstruction needs.

Snag-A-Hose
30 ft. of tangled-up
rustration and fun
or the whole family!
rakes at least four
•ours and three
Deople to straighten
$
20,500,000
jut or your money
sack! Automatically
e-tangles after
jach use.

41
 TITLE WAVE DEPT.

Hollywood released over 600 movies last year,

several of them without Ben Stiller! No sane person
could possibly see them all. Luckily, lots of things
happened in real life (remember that?) during the
past twelve months that reminded us of the titles of
some of the movies we skipped. Why that's lucky, we
don't know, but you might figure it out as you review...

WRITER: DESMOND DEVLIN

42 PHOTOS: AP/W1DE WORLD PHOTOS
 CLOTHES M I N D E D DEPT.
GrossW d
Anyone who's down with LL Cool J GVV\-
knows that his clothing line called
FUBU is an acronym for "For Us, By Us."
We here at MAD started poring over
issues of Vogue, Glamour and The
Source looking at other fashion names
and discovered that LL isn't the only
one on the acronym tip! So screw LL
and get down with your
MAD posse as we expose...

HER
FASHION
BRAND Hiding
Aging

NAMES Guys'
Guts
And
THAT ARE Rumps

ACTUALLY
ACRONYMS
ARTIST: RICKTULKA WRITER: MIKE SNIDER

Apparel
Developed
In
Deplorable
Asian
Sweatshops

See
grueling

* I Extremities
°Peniy
 BERG $ EYE VIEW DEPT.
JUSTICE
But Your Honor, I am
a responsible citizen!
I made sure that every gun
I stole had a safety lock!

ARTIST AND WRITER: DAVE BERG

ELECTIONS
I've sot great news for you, That's terrific! The one that sampled
Senator! A new poll was taken people who never voteij
[and it showed you in the lead!^
 CAMPUS L I V I N G
Chuck and I just swiped this Why are you Are you kidding?
Sreat chair from Alpha
Tau Omega! Isn't it a beauty?
attaching a
chain to it?
You can't trust
anyone these days!
a

READING
''Are there^ yes, these three just arrived this morn- Have they stopped publishing
any new ing: Word Processing for Dummies, books for smart people?
books Practical Math for Slow Learners
available? and Basic Literature Made Easy!
 RELATIVITY
Gentlemen, the profit picture for this This is the longest period of time
year doesn't look good! The merger that our company has gone without
appears to be a dead issue! Stock some disgruntled employee
experts are predicting a steady decline! ^ \ shooting up the place!
But there is one piece of good news!

THERAPY
r
He's covering himself! (Yes, Dr. Forman! When I was Was > f Nah! That kid didn't'
No matter what young my parents sent me know a damn thing
happens he'll be right! to a child psychologist! about psychology!
T H E OFFICE

PRAYERS
Is there anything you want
me to ask God for so he'll
make Daddy buy it for you?
 )

* An imraeRsfoe massioely-FnuLtipLa^reR online

T?ojLe-plqyiF2g| Qome ovtqu>ing on ^ut^ktiuiqn Legends, M
NoRse mythology apd Celtic lone
5 vast R e a l m s based on the ancient g e o g r a p h y of
Scandinaufa, EngLand, and Inelani)
* |Jeqlm-bqse<> plgyeR u s . player* cornbqt

Join Che; B a t t l e o n P £
MYTHIC Fall 2 0 0 1 A.D. ABANDON
ENTERTAINMENT www. darkageofcamelo t. com E N T E R T A I N M E N
 CHICKS WITH KICKS PEPT.

Sick and tired of lame, dull TV shows being re-made into lame, dull films, which are then mocked
in lame, dull movie parodies? Hoo-boy, you might want t o close the magazine this very second...
.
In First This is your Pilot! We
Class, we get are arriving two hours
parachutes early and about 500 miles
you were in short of our destination!
Coach — you
get peanuts! Thank you for flying
on Turbulent Airlines!

Who are you? This "rip off the mask" routine is How can there be no one aboard? Mornin' Angles, it's
an homage to another TV show Cheesy! Come on back
turned movie. Mission Impossible! Everyone was sucked out to the agency so I
"Homage" is the Hollywood term when I opened the door and can give your next
for "rip off the gimmick"! depressurized the cabin! But they assignment! You know,
I just saved a jet plane from didn't suffer much! Most of them for girls who don't
being blown up by a mad bomber! died when they hit the water! carry guns because you
And the ones who survived that abhor violence, you
That's it over there! The one sure do waste a hell
crashing into the ocean! Don't are being chopped up now by
of a lot of people!
worry, there's no one aboard! our speeding propellers!
T
 Good morning again, That's the way the high You're asking,
Angles! Cheesy here! Actually. tech industry goes these Are there any "are there
Eric Knockoff is a Knockoff days! Nonetheless, he people, like, you any suspects?"
was worth was kidnapped, along know, people
brilliant computer with his Voice Identifi- "Suspects," yeah.
whiz and the $20 Billion that might like,
cation Software! kinda have that's the
founder of Knockoff yesterday! This Both must
wanted to do that technical word!
Technology! He's morning he filed be recovered! You are so smart!
worth over $Z0 Billion! for bankruptcy! kinda thing?

JO

s-* I

Roger Boreman, owner of Red Scar Systems,

tried to buy Knockoff Technology, and. oh
hell, let's forget the explanations and cut to
the sexy and comic possibilities! Boreman
gets a weekly massage at Madam Woo's
House of Fractured Ribs! A cheesy angle
would be for one of you to pretend to be the
masseuse and see what you can uncover!
 Good work! It's bad enough No, as Okay. I see a suspicious ; My God, that bad guy
You stole when people in poison! we guy at ten o'clock! t smokes like the bad
Boreman's bring Are you crashed guy chain smoker
Palm Pilot cell-phones afraid of the Ten o'clock! on the X-Files*
to parties, a slow, party, Where do you It's another one of
during that horrible look for ten
hokey but a what our "homages" to
death? o'clock? I've got |
massage speaker do we TV shows that
a digital watch!
scene. phone?! do now? became movies!
found out
about his
party,
and
crashed

That 1 1 What 1 Why did Because 1 couldn't stand You scum! If Here's This is better than
guy's 1 fog? • you sneak the dirty looks from those you hadn't led one of slow motion! I'm
hard 1 That's 1 out the "holier than thou" non- us outside, we my famous doing my special
to just smokers! But 1 am cutting could have been slow- martial arts kick
back picking up hot motion in print! I can
follow his 5 back! I'm down to three
in
door cartons a day! I had to! My chest guys at the leap hang in this MAD
1 ciga- I
all ! 1 rette | ] and X-ray showed more holes than party! Take this! kicks! panel forever!
this og! J smoke! f | leave the a Florida butterfly ballot!
party?

Now that 1 Every- You can sign 1 No. you idiot! 1

you're safe, one's letters with Think of it as
Mr. Knockoff, 1 voice your voice? audio DNA! Imagine
tell us has Like, do you if you had someone's
what's so a \\put the papers 1 voice print, and a
important unique in your mouth 1 cell phone hooked
about your signa- to sign them, 1 to a GPS! Think
software! | ture! or what? i of the danger!

52
 ~-j&<

What danger? > That's not Distract the This car has
exactly a chauffeur of the easiest
"crazed Red Scar's power steering
villain President and I've ever seen!
dominates learn where
the world" the stolen
scenario! software
is hidden!
sao

Not "rectal"! Amazing. Angles! You pretended to be an unconvincing

RETINAL scan! German street band to snap pictures and get eye scans to
The eye! But, fool the security system! Then you became belly dancers
maybe we can so you could get fingerprints! Next time though, I'd keep
arrange the Bossy out of the belly dancer outfit! He doesn't look good
other for the in men's clothes...in woman's clothes, it's barf time!
~^? ^
DVD director's
cut version!

l^*»l
 Good thing she's Look! 1 1 Damn! Why | Are you
shooting slo-mo A 1 did it have to |• kidding?! All
bullets! I nude 1 1 be Dilly, the I 1 that baby
can make it girl 1 1 chubby one? 1 | fat makes
look like they right 1 The other | her look
hit me as I at ! two are i more like
slo-mo our so much 1 she's
door! h | hotter! | 1 our age!
dodge them!

a,

What luck! 1 Angles! | | Tweet, 1 recognize that bird! I Just far enough |
Everything It's Bossy! [ -j tweet! It's a Far-Fetched so we have to
blew up I've been j 1 squawk. Lamebrain Plotpoint go by water!
in the %i kidnapped! | 1 squawk! Pecker! It only That way we
explosion 1 Come find me! 1 Chirp, lives in one place
except the M chirp! can drag in
"1 Any idea in all the world! Dilly's
speaker- BS.
phone! I where you are? I BS! Is it far away? dopey boy-
friend!

IBL f

54
 There's I'm saving Bossy's
_J
What a lucky Slow down! I The signal's fine,
break! I play a see the tower the Cheesy life, fighting off you're hearing some
jerky-acting that Bossy's Angle the villainous VP bones breaking up! Let
speaker- and talking to my me just finish ripping
nerd on MTV, but trapped in! phone on new bartender boy-
now i can stretch friend on my cell off an arm, a leg and
How do you the a head, and then we
by playing a know he's in window phone, all at
jerky nerd on can talk lovey-dovey
that tower? sill! the same time! about our next date!
the big screen! "1 \

Angles! Knockoff used that Don't On the Knockoff must be a brain- "Non-violent"!?
voice technology software you case and dead pilot! Three people They just blew up
to locate my cabin! He's worry. on his are hanging from his a helicopter which
coming to kill me! He Cheesy! helicopter! helicopter, and with will probably kill
We're At least all that additional
thinks 1 killed his father, weight swinging wildly another bunch of
on we're
or perhaps he just hates the hanging in the air, he doesn't people when that
speakerphones, or people case! from it! notice a thing! fireball comes
who speak on speakerphones! back to earth!

In all the What's going on? 1 1 Suing to protect ! It's ...but we're
Cheesy, why do you years Cheesy A Cheesy Angles I the memory of t0 j here to make
keep your identity Angles was on adventure always 1 | a beloved old 1j late° 1 1 sure there are
a secret? What the air, ends happy, with 11 TV series i to ; no more!
possible difference no one ever all of us on the | that was 1 stop 1 1 Even if it takes
could it make to beach! What are 1 j wrecked this 1 a ton of
asked that! you Angles doing ] for the first violence to
anyone if we
see your face!
I don't have
a clue!
here in court? ] big screen! 1 1
'M one... 1 do it!

*><?! [ft
&M ill
£~
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^
I It i V \ V ••
 H DARK FUTURE...
An uncERTAin PAST..

n o OriE L E F T TO TRUST.
R D i n T e n s E ACTion T H R I L L E R c o m e s T O EASY TO LEARfl FIGHTinC S Y S T E m WITH
L I F E W I T H exciTino Rmme STYLE COOL, LIFELIKE AnD REALISTIC mOUES.
CHARACTERS AOD STORYLinE.
THE ARSERAL OF WEAPOnS inCLUDES
REVOLUTIOnARY GAmEPLAY B L E n D OF PISTOLS, ROCKET LAURCHERS, ERERGY
HARD TO HAnD AnD UJEAPORS COmBAT. A n n PROJECTILE WEAPORS.

m
* *!S K

/£S

RELEASE DATE: JAnUA

GlROCKSTAR 575BWYL 10 uDROCKSTAR 575BWYGG 11 t

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m*n Bmmi\u\i -^!fiiMiwi'!»ii ^mmmsi^ hkmmmm ™m\m\\un jstmmvlwm hm^viiti
cominG soon: T H E oni comic BOOK FRom DRRK HORSE comics
BdNGiE
"PlayStation" and the "PS" Family logo are registered trademarks ot Sony Computer
Entertainment Inc. The ratings icon is a trademark of the Interactive Digital Software
Association. Dark Horse Cc - *"
Comics, Inc.. registered in v
Animated Violence 1
Software, Inc. © 2000 All rights reserved.
% %
9B*22
 ITI
WHAT MAJOR
CHALLENGE IS AD FOL
Teenagers confront many overwhelming issues. Peer
ONFRONTING MANY pressure forces them to prove that they are mature and
F TODAY'S TEENS? ready to enter adulthood. To find out what major chal-
lenge many are confronted with, fold page in as shown.

O FOLD PAGE OVER LEFT

HE CAN'T
SEEM TO HOLD
ON TO HIS DOUGH

SNIVELING INSECURELY, MANY TEENS DREAM OF BREAKING

INTO PLACES WHERE THEY DON'T BELONG. THEY'RE FOR-
EVER TRYING TO BEHAVE AND ACT GROWNUP.
RATIONAL THOUGHT IS BEYOND THEM. THEIR ILL-FATED
MOVES INTO ADULT WORLDS ARE WORTHLESS ACTIVITIES
ARTIST AND WRITER: AL JAFFEE
 J?*OriSinaI &frS
•<•:?•:.:•--.:*.- - - . ! _ _

rALTOlDS1
a^HSS

«J
MTOI0 TTBOE © M @ t y j » OT@N1<1 MOT!

©2000 Callard & Bowser-Suchard Inc. Spy VS Spy: TM & ©2000 E.C.Publications, Inc. www.altoids.com