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 PULL M l f
CHEWEY
BY TOM,
CHENEY
r
200
°*C£MBER °

D E P A R T M E N T S 5>
LETTERS AND TOMATOES DEPARTMENT:
Random Samplings of Reader Mail 4

HAND HELL COMPUTER DEPARTMENT:

Celebrity Palm Ads
We'd Like to See.... 6,37, Back Cover

M A G A Z I N E
A specially commissioned anniversary
retrospective detailing the socio and economic
importance and impact of MAD the magazine
on American and international news events —
and culture. Plus, a picture of a guy vomiting! 7

SERGE-IN GENERAL DEPARTMENT:

A AAAD Look at TV 17

ANGSTER'S PARADISE DEPARTMENT:

Monroe &...A Day With Dad 20

MOSAIC PARTING THE DEAD 'ZINE DEPARTMENT: *

MAD 400 Pullout Poster 24

IE?
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 For the
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ALL the covers of • Behind-the-scenes
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where else: define MAD!
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 1995
Porn Industry
Mourns the Loss
MORE DEPARTMENTS
of Famed Stuntman
"Slappy" Nelson
1988 THIS MONTH
EPA Officially IN HISTORY A DOLT'S EDUCATION DEPARTMENT:
Declares EdAsner's You're Probably Not Headed to College If 26
Undershirt a
"Protected 1996
CBS Declines to Air
Wetlands"
Animated Special, AN EMBARRASSMENT OF RICHARD'S DEPARTMENT:

1957
Rudolph's Crack- "Internet Ready Keyboard" Icons
Smoking Christmas
Macy's Santa That Tell it Like it Is 28
Drops Dead;
Seventeen Kids
Emotionally
1996 THEY VENT THAT-A-WAY DEPARTMENT:
Scarred for Life
UPN Proudly Airs First What Drives You MAD? 29
Holiday Special,
OOA.D. Rudolph's Crack-
Fourth Wise Man 1995 Smoking Christmas
Arrives at Stable, Spotty Attendance BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT:
Misses Whole Thing Reported at Tel Aviv The Lighter Side of 33
Kwanzaa Celebration

I'VE GROWN A CUSTARD TO YOUR FACE DEPARTMENT:

MAD's 8 Sure-Fire Signs It Ain't Pudding 35

JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT:

Spy Vs. Spy

CLAUSE AND DEFECTS DEPARTMENT:

More Contractual Obligations We'd Like to See
Some Celebrities Agree To ..40

OVAL AND OUT DEPARTMENT:

Goodnight Room 43

GRIEVING LAS VEGAS DEPARTMENT:

MAD's Celebrity Cause-of-Death
Betting Odds 48
e
MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT: »*
"Drawn Out Dramas", Various Places
by Sergio Aragones Around the Magazine

"Experience is what
makes you pause
briefly before going
ahead and making the
same mistake!"

FRONT COVER PHOTOMOSAIC™ BY: ROBERT SILVERS

CELEBRITY PALM ADS:

PHOTOGRAPHER: IRVING SCHILD WRITER: ARIE KAPLAN
 *#•

HANDLE WITH BEAR

I carry my newest MAD with m e wher-
ever I go. One day I went to Universal
OME IMPROVEMENT Studios a n d accidentally b u m p e d into
I n y o u r satire of t h e movie Gladiator Yogi Bear. When h e saw my magazine,
(MAD #397) A c h a r a c t e r replies: h e tried to steal it from m e because h e
"This m a k e s n o sense! It pits t h e knew what a wonderful book that is. My
greatest gladiator i n t h e world against father caught m e in this picture where
a w i m p y emperor." T h i s is a n error, Yogi Bear was lifting up m y magazine so
since it is well d o c u m e n t e d that t h e I couldn't reach it. I finally punched h i m
real E m p e r o r C o m m o d u s fought a n d a n d recovered my magazine. A security
defeated t h e most skilled gladiators in guard from Universal Studios kicked m e
the a r e n a , h a v i n g never lost a bout. In out of the park. My family was upset
actuality, h e was assassinated while in Because we were kicked out, b u t it
his b a t h b y a n athlete n a m e d Narcissus. didn't bother me. Now, m y joy would
Not as good a movie plot, p e r h a p s , be complete if you publish my picture
but the truth. a n d give m e a three-year subscription!

J e r r y Greenberg, Dallas, TX Jose Alas, Lake Worth, FL

Snoop Jerry Jer — Your knowledge of
Roman history couldn't be more wrong.
Everyone knows that Commodus was
killed by a group of marauding gladiators,
who gained access t o his palace by
hiding in a giant wooden horse named
Triggerius. Faced with certain death, the
gladiators gave Commodus the choice of
drinking hemlock or the gas chamber,
which was just coming into widespread
Joe Mitchell of Austin TY , use as a cleaner, more efficient alterna-
Snass a o n e
year subscription £ - tive t o beheading and disembowelment.
of fey Park rtte n ^ h C ^ t U r i n s a P h o ^ It is rumored that Commodus' final words,
MaU And
for the 915th L . °- ^ "Give me liberty, or give me death" can
Wi C
caption with t h r ? o l ^ " '°Se thls
still be heard late at night circulating
around The Bastille. —Ed.

STRIPS TEASE
.i , , nnnoirfl up ir Jose Can You See — It's clear t o us you're
UyCrcgEvans smarter than the average MAD reader, even
'__ — I '.„ • .,».vS tx".Mt if your "Boo Boo" got you tossed out of
Universal Studios. Seriously, consider your-
self lucky. Had you punched one of the
characters at Disney, in accordance with
strict Disney policy as written by
Walt himself, you would have s~\ ^ ,
met with one of three fates:
Drinking hemlock, behead-
ing or disembowelment.
Because Yogi is
holding the issue
you get the cov-
eted three-year
subscription,
which by the
way, is a lot
cheaper than
a one day entrance
fee to Universal
Studios! Congrats!
—Ed.
 William M. Gaines
founder
Jenette Kahn
president & editor-in-chief
Paul Levitz
executive vice president & publisher
Nick Mcglin & John Ficarra
editors

Editorial:
Charlie Kadau & Joe Raiola
senior editors
David Shayne associate editor
Amy Vozeolas assistant editor
Here is m y problem: There is a boy i n
my class who I a m madly in love with, Dick DeBartolo creative consultant
but I a m too shy to tell h i m . He reads Dorothy Crouch vp-licensed
MAD so I thought I'd write to t h e "Wt*&e. publishing and associate publisher
OR NOT I T st VuwS TViaA. "?outt*UuioH,m\ Here is m y
d u m b wish: Please p r i n t that Elissa Art Department;
I noticed that in your issue "MAD's 50 Nelson loves Michael Spector. Thanks!
Worst Things About TV" (#396) you Sam Viviano art director
missed at least two things that should Elissa Nelson, Occidental, CA Nadina Simon associate art director
have b e e n p u t on: 1) Comedy Central's Whoa Nelly — True love is in the air and Leonard Brenner graphics consultant
obsession with showing "funny" movies, if there's one thing we here at the 7tU6e. /I
even though these movies from t h e late Z>u>n& TViaA "?o«*vi*tio*™< love to do is play Maria Wyche production artist
80s/early 90s never got more than two the role of Cupid! So, here's the deal, now Circulation:
stars a n d center around fart jokes 99% of that we've printed your letter to that stud Tracy Bowen manager-newsstand sdles
the time. 2) T h e Sci-Fi channel's choice muffin Mikey, please keep us informed as
of canceling t h e only good, original your relationship blossoms. Tell us where Administration:
show they had, Mystery Science Theater you went on your first date, what did you Patrick Caldon vp-finance & operations
3000, just because it's a little more talk about and will there be a second Alison Gill exec director - manufacturing
comedic than science fiction. Lillian Laserson vp & general counsel
date. Photos will be much appreciated!
yes, Elissa, here's your chance to make our
Samuel Swan son, Fort Worth, TX dumb wish come true. Not since Darva and Contributing Artists
Swan Song — Two excellent Rick have so many awaited a progress And Writers
suggestions. Thanks for writing. —Ed. report on a blossoming relationship! the usual sans of idiots
P.S. Who cut the cheese? Ha! Good luck! —Ed.

MAD (ISSN 0024 9319) is published monthly by E.C.

Publications, inc.. 1700 Broadway, New yoric, NY. 10019.
Periodicals postase paid at New York, N.Y. and at addition-
al mailing offices. Subscription in U.S.A.: 12 issues SS4.00
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lithograph signed by legendary MAP Entire contents © copyright 2000 by E.C. Publications, Inc.
Allow 10 weeks for change of address to become effective,
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or inquiring about your subscription. POSTMASTER: send
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scripts be accompanied by a stamped self-addressed
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country. For more information please fiction and semi-fiction are fictitious. A similarity without
satiric purpose to a living person is a coincidence.
call (212) 7 5 4 - 0 3 0 0 ext. 3 0 5 0 ! Printed in U.S.A.
 Celine Dion's voice mail number: Leave passage askin
if she wants role oj Mrs. Binks in Episode 2.

l&
10 AM: Meet with California State Legislature, propose bill to have
onically connate
mt

Have Harrison Ford fix myjwrch.

'Iill * i|ii
ijfalian Anti-Defamation League over my p ^ i % i t

leorge Lucas

iize and back up my Palm V Organizer with my PC with just

x
' — ,- ^ sold it as a Star Wars tx%? g

'iii

vr

i r

t
Palm Conartists, Inc., developer of the world's
leading ill-conceived handheld toy.
«» ©2000 Forcefully Palm and the Palm logo are trademarks of
Palmed-Off. Inc.. which means nothing to you who will no doubt
end up mistaking it for the freakin' channel-changer anyway!
 &#nyS$ F
by Desmond L
Devlin

The New York Times. Scientific American. Cat Fancy. more change. MAD has affected our culture and
These and other publications have reflected the times history in such an all-encompassing and fundamental
in which they thrived, providing a snapshot of our way that it is sometimes easy to overlook our
nations evolution at a critical juncture. But no magazine awesome influence. This special section will correct
can claim to have changed the way generations of that unfortunate oversight.
Americans live, breathe and think.
I t is virtually impossible to think of any important
Except MAD Magazine. trend or moment in our country's past 50 years that
did not originate in our pages. And on the glorious
Yes, America's longest-running humor magazine,
besides Time, has not been content to merely notice
the snags in society's fabric after the fact. No, no, no.
occasion of MAD's 400th issue, it seems apropos
(and if not apropos, then at least appropriate) to
:.i
The sociological dynamo that is MAD has always been revisit the grand history of the men, women and
at the forefront of change and innovation and even pre-op transsexuals who made it all happen.

The second issue of

MAD goes on sale on
Bill Gaines knew that the man who would edit December 9,1952.
MAD had to have a brilliant sense of humor as On December 11,

i
well as a groundbreaking visual sense. He had to the first-ever letter
be a man who could see through the phoniness complaining that MAD
of popular culture. And he had to be a man "just isn't as funny
who could take a little 10-cent comic book and and original like it
transform it into the premiere satirical force of
the 20th century.
Unfortunately, that man was busy, so Gaines
used to be" arrives.
5
hired Harvey Kurtzman.

MAD is still
searching for its
editorial voice, as
w. I
I
can be seen in
this early bit
of attempted
political satire:
I
0
Illustrations by Scott Bricher, Drew Friedman, Al Jaffee,
Sergio Aragones, Paul Coker, Angelo Torres & Tom Richmond
The storybook marriage of baseball legend Joe DiMaggio
and tinseltown bombshell Marilyn Monroe soon goes sour
due to MAD's corrosive influence. Joe becomes enraged as
he watches Marilyn film a movie scene standing over a
subway grating, her dress flying high in the breeze. Insiders
assume DiMaggio is outraged because hundreds of drooling
onlookers are ogling his wife's exposed thighs and buttocks.
But what REALLY infuriates the Yankee Clipper is that his
wife would debase herself in public by reading MAD.

Not all the legal news is good for Bill Gaines and MAD. Without video games
On December 1, Rosa Parks stops at a or rap music to pick on, Congress is forced to hold hearings on the dangers of
newsstand in Montgomery, Alabama on her comic books. This poses a direct threat to Gaines' varied line of titles: Tales
way home from work. While riding on the from the Crypt, Crypt of Terror, The Terrible Crypt, The Terrible, Terrible Cr
poorly-lit bus, she is unable to read her copy The Terrorizingly Terrible Crypt Tales, and MAD. Gaines volunteers to testify
of MAD #26 from her usual back row seat. before a Senate committee. It does not go well:
Moving to the front, Parks begins laughing
so loudly that the bus driver orders her to
.have your May i ^ u e ^ ^ ^
knock it off. Parks refuses. Soon the entire amanholdingawomansseve
Civil Rights movement is born - another is that correct?
great moment in MAD's proud history.
 As with any big success, MAD spawns many imitators.
Soon newsstands are clogged with competitors such
as Wacky, Gaga, Bugnuts, Loco, Bonkers, Clinically
Unbalanced, The Problems of the Mentally III, Non
Compos Mentis, Medical Candidate for Invasive
Al Feldstein takes over the reins as editor of Frontal Lobe Surgery and A Danger Both to Himself
MAD, and it isn't long before the magazine and to His Community. The sheer number of MAD
reflects his influence. Writers initially bristle imitators is so out of control that there isn't enough
when he insists on the use of punctuation. paper to print them all. Soon, publishers are making
Also, no longer will every single article end deals with Brazilian land barons to raze their rain
with every single character falling off a cliff. wests. Scientists estimate that it will take at least
But Feldstein's most noteworthy editorial 00 years for Earth's ecosystem to recover fully.
contribution is his bold decision to parody the
song "On The Street Where You Live" in every
issue for the next 22 years.
Of course, MAD's
concept of taking
an existing song
and simply
singing new
words over the
original
music
would
later inspire
the careers of
both "Weird" Al
Yankovic and
Sean "Puffy"
Combs.

Squeezed by his drug lord financial backers on one side

and the IRS on the other, Gaines initiates the legendary
MAD trips as a way to get out of town for a while. He
shows a tremendous skill for choosing vacation destina-
tions of great peace and tranquility, which insure a
deeply restful and restorative experience for his staff.

El Salvador,
Nicaragua and Ecuador

MAD PROFILE: DON MARTIN • MAD PROFILE: DON MARTIN • MAD PROFILE: DON MARTIN
Other cartoonists considered Don Martin the pro's pro. Martin absolutely .^sT
refused to use any sound effect in his cartoons until he'd verified that 3 f
such a sound could be created in nature. His art studio was jammed MRl
from wall to wall with tubs of jello, live baby penguins, bowling balls, |j|!c
catapults, stained glass windows, tension springs and maracas. A
<
And so, when Martin drew a picture of a man dangling from a ^r
helicopter's bungee cord and cleaning the nostrils of Mount
Rushmore with a 28-foot-long Q-tip accompanied by a large
SKEEKA-SKEEKA sound, Don knew that his cartoon would contain
the most important element of all: realism.
Many of Don's most outrageous sound effects have found their
way into popular culture, including FLUBBER, VELCRO, MOESHA,
GARCIA-PARRA and HAAGEN-DAZS.
 After editors notice that any piece
of Al Jaffee art always looks better
with half of it covered up, MAD
begins running his popular "Fold-
Martin Luther King secretly asks MAD's writers to In" feature in issue #86. However,
"punch up" the text of a dull speech he plans to it takes some time for Jaffee to
deliver in Washington, D.C. He is later hailed for master the format, as can be seen
his historic address. S; by this early example.

You know you

really have a
dream when...

While attending a London art show, Bill Gaines first meets

Reclusive The Catcher in
conceptual artist Yoko Ono. Quickly, her influence is all
the Rye author J.D.
over MAD. One six-page article repeatedly asks only,
Salinger picks up MAD
"What is the sound of an apple crying?" Issue #121 is the
#99, which contains a
lowest-selling edition of MAD ever, featuring 48 entirely
wicked parody of the
then-current film A blank pages except for the word "FEAR" in tiny type on
Thousand Clowns. Titled page 37. Even MAD #122, printed entirely on large wooden
"A Thousand Clods," the planks, outsells the avant garde "white issue." Gaines
humor is so telling and publishes several issues from inside a large burlap sack,
incisive that a demoral- which admittedly improves his wardrobe but does little for
ized Salinger realizes the quality of the magazine.
his work simply cannot Onlookers worry that Yoko will "break up the MAD staff,"
compete. He never but the torrid Gaines-Ono affair eventually runs its
writes again. course. Two years later, The Beatles are no more. And
the only remaining traces of Yoko's influence in MAD
are apparent whenever a reader comes to Dave Berg's
"The Lighter Side Of..." and cries, "Ono!"

~ -
MAD briefly runs the most unpopular While using the bathroom, Bill Gaines finds the side-splittingly hilarious
and controversial feature in its history, "MAD's Tet Offensive Primer" propped up behind a plunger. The article
Antonio Prohias' "Roe vs. Wade." had been missing since 1968, and was therefore never published. Gaines
realizes that his office is not working efficiently and decides to unify ail of
his employees' desks with a computerized "link" or "web." To turn his
ingenious plan into reality, he hires a young man fresh out of high school
named William Gates.
Unfortunately, 1974 technology is such that each employee's computer
ends up weighing over 5,000 pounds. When then MAD Production Director
Lenny Brenner is nearly crushed to death while attempting to type his
password, Gaines has had enough. He goes back to MAD's old, inefficient
system and promptly fires young William Gates who, along with Gaines'
"computer web" idea, is never heard from again.

Indiana intern and proofreader J. Danforth Quayle is

fired when MAD #198 contains more than 150 typo-
graphical errors, including seven different spellings of
the word "a." An angry Quayle leaves, vowing that he
will find a job where people won't notice his spelling.

NOVEMBER
1974
JjMilHW
lick Nixon I
Around One
Last Time
&*

In Wilmington, North Carolina, a 16-year-old wannabe comedy writer

begins sending ideas to MAD. Diligently, he mails a package of articles
While on a trip to Japan, Bill Gaines
every week, but his writing just doesn't have that special indefinable "it" is seated directly across a restaurant
that makes for a MAD article. Despite hundreds of attempts, he fails to table from Toru Iwatani, a struggling
make a single sale. However, he becomes so adept at throwing his young computer designer. After
crumpled-up rejection letters into the garbage can that he catches the watching dumbfounded for five hours
watchful eye of basketball coach Dean Smith and decides to fall back on as Gaines gobbles down everything
his second choice of career. And so, thanks to the MAD editors who within his reach without pausing for
never gave the unfunny comedy of Michael Jordan a chance, basketball breath, Iwatani is seized with the
fans the world over were treated to two decades of thrills. inspiration to create Pac-Man.

Saddam Hussein hears an old copy of It's a

Gas, the classic MAD single from the '60s.
The wackily flatulent tune gives him the idea
to develop nerve gas, which he later uses to
kill, maim and blind tens of thousands of
Kurds. "I never could have done it without
MAD\" the mustachioed dictator later chirps.
At first, MAD editors feel some guilt for the
horrible massacre, but when they receive an
amusing photo of Saddam Hussein for the
letters page, all is forgiven.

MAD PROFILE: SERGIO ARAGONES • MAD PROFILE: SERGIO ARAGONES pncn P. ftCRGIO ARAGON
After being driven from the Presidency of Mexico in 1961, Sergio
Aragones came to the United States the following year. When
he arrived in MAD's offices, the editors took one look at his
eye-popping portfolio, recognized his incredible talent, and
jumped at the chance to badly underpay an immigrant who
didn't yet understand American money.
Aragones' first article, "Sergio Aragones Looks at the Prevailing
m
by far the wordiest in the magazine's history. However, when
Aragones recieved his tiny paycheck, he suddenly realized that
MAD did NOT pay by the word. He angrily vowed never to waste
his time churning out pages and pages of copy again, and his
work has been word-free ever since.
 After years of MAD writer Frank Jacobs' fill-in-the-blank The Iranian edition of MAD runs Al Jaffee's "Gizmos,
"Do-It-Yourself Newspaper Article" articles in which Gadgets and Doo-Dads for the Ayatollah's Bathroom."
readers would create absurdly incomprehensible stories The bearded holy man explodes with rage: "Unaccept-
filled with gibberish, the long-running MAD feature is able! The next person to so blaspheme Islam shall
instantly rendered irrelevant. USA Today debuts. be marked for death!" Thus, Jaffee inadvertently seals
the fate of hack writer Salman Rushdie. ••*

In New York for a critical series, Kansas City Royals star

George Brett visits the MAD office. While there, he gets
several of the artists to personally autograph a bat. Later,
in Yankee Stadium, he mistakenly uses the same bat.
When the umpires see all the inky signatures, they
mistake it for pine tar, disallow his home run and eject
him from the game. The Royals go on to lose the pennant.

Live Aid rocked the world's conscience in the summer of '85. Especially moved by the performance
of Russian supergroup Autograf, Bill Gaines, in a symbolic gesture, decides to skip lunch for a week.
He saves Ghana. However, the impact of his not dining out causes a ripple effect on
the U.S. economy, resulting in a 500-point stock market plunge two years later.

I
0-

MAY 'QiiRS^ ^
1988 3§£j MM}-''
Ollie North
Decides VERS
Better Shred
Than Read IC
 Rarely does MAD commission a cover that is not actually
Because of its system of apartheid, used. But incredibly, it happened twice during the
South Africa is a world pariah. Persian Gulf War. A cover depicting President George
Banned from the Olympics, hit hard Bush burning a MAD Magazine flag was considered in
by international sanctions, and with big poor taste, given the conflict. Sensitive MAD editors
business pulling investments out quickly switched to a painting of Alfred E. Neuman
by the billions, the country's institution- roasting marshmallows over
alized racism is costing the whites-only the partially incinerated body
regime plenty. But a defiant South of an Iraqi soldier. On second
Africa holds firm. Finally, MAD gets thought, however, it was felt
involved by canceling President P.W. that this cover might be inter-
Botha's personal subscription. A week preted as favoring marshmal-
later, all South Africans are free. lows over other equally tasty
snacking products. Finally,
after much "backstage"
wrangling, the "What, Me
Get Killed in a Bogus War to
Maintain Texaco's Obscene
Profit Margin?" cover
proved that MAD could be
funny without undermining
U.S. morale or questioning
the war effort.
 C
°*GRATULAT~s
^NGBATULATES
X W^rdHlXON
The whole world is taken by surprise at the
attempted Russian coup by the entrenched
soviet apparatchiks, but not MAD\ Inspired by
the Kennedy/Nixon double cover of 1960, MAD
#305, on sale the morning of the Moscow
revolt, beats every other magazine to the
newsstand, including Time and Newsweek. It
features two display covers for retailers to "P°n his election as
choose between, depending on how the RESIDENT
volatile situation shakes out.

-,P5£ N G R A T U LATIONS

'^^s

Bill Gaines' wife and MAD

Managing Editor Annie
O.J. Simpson Gaines makes a generous
comes home to donation of her late
find that his wife husband's old clothes to
Nicole has already underprivileged youth in
done his MAD the inner city. Within three
Fold-In. The rest months, oversized, baggy
is history. pants are THE fashion
statement of the summer.

MAD PROFILE: FRANK JACOBS • MAD PROFILE: FRANK JACOBS • MAD PROFILE: FRANK JACOBS
MAD #350 comes pre-bagged with a free
CD-ROM insert. The disc not only includes In conjunction with Spencer gifts,
MAD music clips, a database and dozens MAD launches a line of novelty
of screens, but also features four special underwear. White House intern
MAD cybersurprises named "GOOD Monica Lewinsky is so excited
TIMES," "IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM after purchasing an Angelo Torres
MELISSA," "CHERNOBYL," and "ILOVEYOU." thong that she rushes into the
Word about the disc spreads fast. And Oval Office to show President
everybody who buys a copy of the issue William Jefferson Clinton.
not only gets a free Neiman Marcus
cookie recipe, but magically helps a little
kid with brain cancer go to Disneyland.

Bad news, Kaputnik!

Your test results are
back and you have
a bad case of Kurtosis!

MAD #399 marks the end of an era.

A 48-year streak of never once
having printed the word "kurtosis"
comes to an end. However, the
magazine has still never included
the word "whigmaleerie."
Oops.

i jiiljtjwwji.w.ii-t.i,l..il,«lii.i|i.iiiiiii»W^^^wp»

«2§:Q*^
O f course, there'll be a section of the M4D.edu
website devoted to reader submissions! The general
public can post their own jokes and ideas online,
and if they pass muster, can experience the incredi-
E P I L O G U E* ble thrill of having their very own work plagiarized
M o matter how you slice it, it's been a MAD century. in the magazine. Don't forget to click "I AGREE" on
And so, as MAD prepares to dominate yet another the legal waiver screen!
100 years of progress, artistic endeavor and world- B u t perhaps the most ambitious project of the
wide human activity, the only remaining question is: coming millennium is the Neuman Genome Project.
will Sam Viviano's neck rash ever clear up? DNA samples have been painfully extracted from
dozens of MAD's top contributors. Divided, spliced
O h , there's a second question, too. What's next for
and carefully incubated under sterile lab conditions,
MAD? The future, unlike the typical MAD reader, is
they will result in over 16,000 healthy comedy
bright. Over $1,200 is being pumped into the
clones, enough to write and draw the next 125
M4D.edu website, as the Usual Gang of Exceptional
years of the magazine.
Fellows prepare to take over cyberspace. With fresh
content added daily, the site will be just as topical as l o n g after their natural deaths, readers will be
Jay Leno's monologue, although the website will differ laughing with joy at articles by the replicated
somewhat from The Tonight Show by using jokes. versions of Mike Snider, Paul Coker, Mort Drucker,
John Caldwell and all the rest of MAD's creators.
Visitors will also be able to bid on various MAD items
and artifacts, Shirts, mugs, T-shirts, toys and perhaps It's just a shame that the same thing couldn't have
even MAD's own staff via the alfredebay.com link. happened while they were alive.
•It's the end, clod!
SERCE-IN GENERAL DEPT.

ARTIST AND WRITER: SERGIO ARACONES 17

18
19
 ANCSTER S PARADISE PEPT.

and...
CLASS,
TOMORROW
Q COOL!
A*i0, EACH OF YOU
WILL BE SPENPINS THE
PAY WITH YOUR FATHER
UM, MRS.
BISSEL.I GOT A
PROBLEM
IS THERE AT #/£ WORKPLACE. THEN
YOU PONT HAVE WITH THAT WHOLE
ANOTHER YOU'LL WRITE A THREE-
TO COME TO PAPS-AT-WORK
CAPON PAGE REPORTOW
SCHOOL. THING. WHY?
SCARE?, IT. IS YOURS

20
 Ever wonder what your

A DA3 Dad does when he's not

OAK
home yelling at you?
Neither does our belea-
guered hero...but he's
about to find out!

FIRST OFF,
"JOBS ABE FOR
SUCKERS"/ YOU
CAN OPEN WITH
THAT/
YEAH? SHE
PIPN'T'TELL YOU I
SPRAY-PAINTED IT BLUB,
DID SHE? LEFT THAT
pAeroi/r,PVNMe
TRIES TO MAKE YOUR
OLD MAN LOOK LIKE
AN ASSWART. >**

if YEAH, BUT THEV

DIDN'T NEED ANY PHOTO
ASSISTANTS AT "HUSTLER"/
COm OH, KIP, SET YOUt? HEAP
IN THE DAMN £4M£
//'.
/ /

,M

=4Sb>
s
ARTIST: BILL WRAY WRITER: ANTHONY BARBIERI
21
22
?7/m
! zm -oaAaasaa siHoia n v ONI 'SNOiivonand 03 oooz ® iH9iHAd03 saamis iaaaoa :AB oivsowoiOHd^W
L ^ *" " ^ >.
 A DOLT'S E D U C A T I O N DEPT.

The very fact that you take the time to read an introduc-
tion to a MAD article convinces us that your IQ hovers
somewhere around your body temperature. But if you
need even more convincing that you're doomed to a life-
time of wearing paper hats, offering to "super-size it" and
earning minimum wage, then read on (if you can) (without
moving your lips!) Sorry, all you brainiacs out there, but...

...Your senior class project in history was a

detailed account of the decades of bad blood
between Hulk Hogan and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.
. . .Your entry in the regional science
fair was titled: "Yo, pull my finger,
dude" Balloon Inflation Simplified.

?n==5 KURT FEENMAN

j COHOES Hiy* %H00U

...You're pinning ail your academic

hopes on a 'Twister" scholarship.
. . .

. . . A t the end of every session, instead

of guidebooks and curriculum informa-
tion, your guidance counselor gives
you a different landscaping tool.

26 ARTIST ANP WRITER: JOHN CAIDWELL

 ...You still can't figure out how that
F#$%ing mall sign knows where you are!

CgEEZEKSAUMTEl^
' IALL

..The highlight of your academic

year was finally finding V/aldo.

. . .Organizing and cataloging

your ewer-growing collection of
urinal disinfectant cakes leaves
little time for studying.

...Your basic philosophy can best be F ...You spend your entire Career
summed up as, "Who needs higher > Pay wandering aimlessly around a
education when I'm sitting on a virtual J crowded auditorium in a futile
gold mine in mint condition pogs!" search for bait shop operators.
27
 A N E M B A R R A S S M E N T OF RICHARDS DEPT.

To make surfing the web easier, manufacturers are now selling computers with "Internet ready keyboards." They're just like regular keyboards,
except they have a row of extra buttons pre-marked with handy icons and programmed to go directly to the matching web site — The key
marked with an airplane takes you to a travel site, the key marked with a dollar sign takes you to a financial site and so on. But frankly, we
don't think the web sites they send us to live up to the buttons' promise! We'd like to put the honesty back into computing by introducing...

M M
lHnMTRWDYK!YB0nRD lC0K5
THftT TELL IT LIK1 IT IS
Push this key and go straight to
eBay, where your misplaced desire to This key links you to an
This easy to remember
recapture your youth and the frenzied key takes you directly "Internet radio" site, which
excitement of bidding leads you to to the Ford/Firestone lets you listen to the radio
pay $1,219.00 for a Partridge Family Disintegrating Tire over your $2,000 high-tech
lunchbox (thermos missing), just like Recall Website. But computer - effectively
the one your mother sold at a garage right now volume is allowing you to hear your
sale last year for 50 cents... most likely heavy. Try again later, favorite bands with all the
to the same person you're about to if you're still alive. clarity of a $9 walkman.
send $1,219.00 to.

This key connects you to one of many online

site where you can invest and lose your life
savings in questionable technology stocks — "secure." We guess they say that because it's where
just like the pros, but without those pesky &*%$! hackers go to "secure" your credit card number
broker fees! and join you in experiencing the convenience of
online shopping. Except they're not paying, bunky.

Push the pirate flag and go to

Napster - a music "trading" site
where you can download copy-
righted songs for free. It's just like
going to the music store, except
you're not paying. Hmmm, looks
like you and those &*%$! hackers
who stole your credit card number
have a lot in common, eh bunky?

Follow the Quacks icon

to a "medical advice chat
room" where untrained
unprofessionals dole out
questionable and possibly
life-threatening medical
advice - but at least you
don't have to wear one of
those flimsy examination
gowns.

This key takes you to

priceline.com, where you
can save five bucks on a
flight between NY and
Boston, providing you
don't mind making nine
stopovers in 17 hours.

This least-used
Internet key of all
takes you to mad-
mag.com, which
web surfers every-
where agree isn't
worth a visit!

ARTIST: T O M BUNK
WRITER: DICK DEBARTOLO
 THEY VENT THAT-A-WAY DEPT.

To help make our 400th issue special, we

-WHAT
decided to try something different, some-
thing never done in the history of MAD —
publish four consecutive pages of quality
humor! Since history has repeatedly shown

DRIVES
that our usual writers are incapable of
this, w e knew we needed help. So, w e
sent letters to celebrities from all walks
of life and asked them to take a moment
and answer a simple question. Much to
our surprise, some of them actually
wrote back! Here's a sampling of the re-
sponses we received when we boldly asked...
YOU

ADAM CAROLLA AND ARTIST: JOHN KASCHT

JIMMY KIMMEL
HOSTS OF COMEDY CENTRALS
THE MAN SHOW
People who linger in a coma for years • Ballparks and arenas
at a time. They should install coin that charge you $2.50
slots on all life support systems. for a nickel's worth
You'll live as long as your family can of pretzel.
keep making change.
• People who call
- The evil geniuses behind bottled water. 911 on a regular
Ten years ago if we wanted water, we basis. Every citizen
went to the sink and filled up a glass. should be allowed two
No one complained. Somewhere along the 911 calls per year. Use them
way, though, someone decided to make water wisely, because if you waste
more expensive than beer. And now we'd them complaining about the
sooner drink from the toilet than the tap. neighbor's barking dog —
• Swift water rescues. Anyone hanging you're out of luck when
out by the mouth of a river during a the lawnmower chops
torrential downpour deserves to drown. off your thumb.
This is just God taking out the garbage. • Panhandlers. We
would solve the
panhandling problem
with a simple plan. All
panhandlers will be outfitted
with police uniforms. As long as
they're out on the street, it might
as well look like they're on patrol.
People who go along with calling
Prince "The Artist Formerly Known as
Prince" — let's just agree to call him
douchebag and be done with it.
Dog year conversion — a fourteen-
WINONA RYDER year-old dog is fourteen — not 108!
ACTRESS White guys who act black.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger's
Women who are always cold.
ability to inhale and exhale
on a daily basis. John Tesh.
TON WOLFE
AUTHOR
It's when I punch in a phone number and that voice says,
"Welcome to the Cyber Max automated answering system. If you
are calling from a touchtone telephone, press I...now." Right away
1 know I am entering PHONE MAIL JAIL. Punch any of the ensuing
2 to 9 "options" and you descend to the second level of Hell,
where there are 2 to 9 sub-"options." Press one of those and you
get 2 to 9 sub-sub-"options." Half an hour later, you punch a sub-
sub-sub-sub-"option" and your only remaining "option" is to
return to a prior sub-sub-sub-"option" at a prior level of Hell —
and at that point you realize you're now a LIFER in PHONE MAIL
JAIL. I refuse to go through that. Instead, when that voice says "If
you are calling from a rotary telephone, please remain on the line;
an operator will be with you shortly," I remain on the line and wait
15 minutes, so that I may be told by an actual human being:
"Please send us your head. We will freeze-dry and shrink-wrap it
and return it to you. Please allow 4 to 6 weeks for delivery."

GREG GRUNBERG
ACTOR, FELICITY
Having to let Scott Speedman win when we play
one-on-one basketball so he won't cry like a girl
every time 1 crush him when I go to the hoop.

BOB GUCCIONE, JR.

PUBLISHER & EDITOR, GBAR MAGAZINE
What makes me mad? Nothing! The world is perfect!
Life is great. Everywhere is love. Love is in the air!
How dare you ask me what makes me mad? What's
the matter with you? Are you communists? The hell
with you! That's right, the hell with you. I never —
get — angry, and I'm not going to start now because
of some asinine, dumb friggin' question about what
makes me mad. Nothing. Got it? Noth — ing. Jesus,
go ask someone else your stupid question.
 SENATOR FRANK
LAUTENBERG SENATOR
DEMOCRAT,
NEW JERSEY WAYNE ALLARD
Gun-crazed actors who
REPUBLICAN, COLORADO
still think they're playin What drives me mad is the
Moses, but whose national debt and Congress and
preaching sounds more the President's inability to put in
like it comes from the place a plan to repay it.
Planet of the Apes.
That Charlton Heston
forgets that when
God spoke to him
in a movie, it was
not real life.

SENATOR
SUSAN COLLINS
REPUBLICAN, NAINE
The fact that I've never seen
Ted Koppel and Alfred E.
Neuman in the same room
together.
REPRESENTATIVE
BARNEY FRANK
DEMOCRAT 4TH DISTRICT,
MASSACHUSETTS
Dumb Questions.

KEVIN SMITH
WRITER/DIRECTOR OF CLERKS,
CHASING AMY AND DOGMA
What drives me mad? I'll tell you. When i was a kid, I
lived and died by MAD Magazine. I had an ass-load of
back issues, and wanted to write for them when I grew
up. I learned all the words to "Super Spectacular Day"
and framed my official MAD suitable-for-framing
Certificates. But there was no MAD merchandise that I
could litter my room with; no Alfred E. Neuman statues,
no Spy Vs. Spy figures — nothing. I would've scapped
that kind of swag up by the gross, had it existed. But
alas, there was none to be had. Flash forward, oh, twen-
ty years. Now there's more MAD crap available than you
can shake a Snappy Answer to a Stupid Question at, but
I'm no longer the ardent MAD disciple I once was. The
day I saw an Alfred E. Neuman print at the Warner Bros.
Gallery, I knew I'd been born into the wrong decade,
and that drove me mad. Very mad. Super Special mad.
MORT WALKER
CARTOONIST, 'BEETLE BAILEY"
You know what drives me mad? When people take me seri-
ously. I'm almost never serious. Like today. A friend said he
was going to call a person that we both know in another
city. I said, "You can't call him. He's dead." They said,
"How did he die?" I said, "He stopped breathing." They
said, "How could they tell?" I said, "They asked him if he
was breathing and he said, 'No,'" They said, "Really?"
Wouldn't that make you mad?

FRED
SCHNEIDER
LEAD SINGER,
THE B-52'S
It drives me mad that
in all the muscle and
fitness magazines, they
use my body in the
JASON ALEXANDER
photos but always use
ACTOR
someone else's face! • Being called "George" — for Chrissakes, my damn credit
said "And Jason Alexander as George." It was up there plain
as day for 9 years. Read the g**damn thing. It's
easy...George = fictional, Jason = real. That goes for the
other brilliant greetings I receive daily, "Where's Jerry?"
"Where's Kramer?" They're dead, okay? Stop asking.
• Presidential election season — all the hoopla, all the sturm
and drang — like we're really going to be able to elect a
candidate who can do anything. Let's get real. We don't
need a year to elect these yutzes. W i t h the choices
we're getting, we could do the whole thing in a week.
. • People who think all the rules of driving are
somehow altered when it drizzles.
• Sports injuries — before I started working out
again I was injury free and pain free. Now I'm in
great shape and every damn part of my body
% hurts like hell!
• I swear if one more newspaper solicitor or
long distance company calls my house at
random to try and get me to subscribe or switch,
it's gonna get ugly.
• The Premiere magazine Power List of Hollywood.
What 6 yokels make this thing up? There is more
accuracy on a first grade spelling test than in this rag.
• Would it have killed us to wait for cell phone
technology until they made a cell phone that
doesn't drop the call for no damn good reason
right as the person on the other end is finally
getting to the point of the reason for the call?
® Would all the helpful people shut up already
about the latest hair replacement techniques and laser
eye surgery? If I wanted it, I'd have it already.
I don't want holes punched into my head or eyeballs
burned. I'm happy. Okay?!
• These stupid magazine retrospectives and surveys that
make me pull out what's left of my hair trying to answer
these things.
 w «
BERC'S-EYE VIEW DEPT
JUSTICE
I don't understand, Mrs. Enough
Brandon! You've been married is
for over 65 years! Why do
you want a divorce now?!

: ' . • • ' : • ; .

ARTIST AND WRITER. DAVE BER6

D R I V E R S ED
Today we're going to cover How to get your parents
the most important thing to let you drive the
for high school students to family car and pay for
know about driving a car! your gas and insurance!
RELATIONSHIPS
Let's get But we hardly know To beat out my ex-wife!]
married each other! Why rush into She's getting married
next month! something so important? in two months!
EDUCATION
Well, Josh, did
you learn anything
important on your
first day of college?
T H E OFFICE

PRIORITIES
r
\ You played very Sure was! But you ] Telling everybody how
well, Max! Wasn't know what's even I kicked my grand-
that set fun? more fun? father's butt again!
 Julia Roberts
Actress; Producer;
Dictionary Definition of "Glamour"

cell phone: Call himagain to confirm my status

as America's Sweetheart and #1 leading lady.

Practice both of my kooky "romantic comedy facial expressions i

a™
Make appointment with therapist to try to
| figure out my "Lyle Lovett" phase. E3J3ZS3
Portray hooker with a heart 9/19
of gold
Portray lawyer with a heart 9/20 i
;of gold
Synchronize and back up my Palm V Organizer with my PC — Portray lesbian ninja assassin |]/5 7 |
;heart o! qold
it's so simple, even that empty-headed, no-talent, honing-in-on-my
romantic-comedy-territory-bitch Cameron Diaz can/ 4 " i!

irtists, inc.. developer of the world's leading useless handheld toy.

ww.palrnerj-off.con iiy Patmandthe Palm logo are traderrtffius oi Pataed-Off. Inc.. which means nothing to yo
doorsrop inside of six weeks!
 JOKE A N D DAGGER PEPT.

ARTIST: PETER KUPER WRITER: DAVE CROATTO

38
 CLAUSE A N D DEFECTS DEPT.

Back in MAD #319 (recently named in a Harris Poll as one of the 400 worst issues of MAD of all time), we noted how
big-time celebrities sign contracts that give them every little amenity their greedy, pampered hearts desire! And we noted

NONCONTRACTUAL
V** WE'D LIKE TO SEE SOME
George iAica
1) T h e above agrees that any Princess that appears in any Star Wars
movie must be at the very least one-third (1/3) as interesting as
her hairdo.

2) T h e above shall make all possible effort to stop Yoda's voice from
sounding like Grover from Sesame Street.

3) D u e to the overwhelming popularity and capriciously early

death of D a r t h Maul, the above agrees that said character will
immediately be brought back to life in the next Star Wars movie,
with the following stipulations:
A) said character does not at any time turn out to be related to
anyone else; a n d / o r
B) said character does n o t at any time wind up being a big wuss,
like D a r t h Vader turned out to be.

1) The above will cease-and-desist delivering Bill Cosby-style

lectures t o other rappers about their use of curses and/or
sexist lyrics, until such t i m e as t h e above no longer s t a r s in
videos where t h e women are barely wearing pants.

2) The above shall no longer claim credit f o r or generally f o i s t

upon t h e public "new music" t h a t is in a c t u a l i t y j u s t old
"70s disco/Stevie VJonder r i f f s sampled over and over while
t h e above goes "Hah-hah, hah-hah" and improvs lame
I'm Big Will" rhymes over t h e m .

The above acknowledge and accept that they,

as pet rock-style pop-culture icons, will
hitherto "be known not by their names, but as
"The Chubby tiap-Loser Guy," "The Skinny
Shaggy-from-Scooby-Doo-Looking Guy" and "The
Annoying Bitch Who Got Everyone Killed in
the First Place."

To receive an extension in their already

depleted 15 minutes of fame, all appearances
made by the above shall be as a trio, most
likely in the side bottom "Hollywood Square"
-A ->i\ next to the surviving cast members of Cfllligan's
Island and underneath that annoying "Puck" guy
from The Real World.
 how the world would be a much happier place if their contracts included clauses that spread a little joy to US, the
miserable movie-going and TV watching public! Well, they ignored us then, and they'll probably ignore us now as we present...

OBLIGATIONS
CELEBRITIES
Tom Clancy
AGREE TO
v£ ss#A
maMmBUMmm ^ m e d l v severe limits as

M
A-!
o 1
(officers, P * ^ lifeless, i n a n i m a t e object
(A

s REMORSE
camouflage P ^ f a p p e a r a n c e s in ^ "^ort-sleeve
%*,
&M

# '#>r REP OCTOBER/

~ © E B T OF

#
w
Jewel, Fiona Apple and Tori Amos
1) As it h a s been duly established that t h e above are a ) musicians,
b ) hot chicks and c) rambling, New Agey airhead nitwits, all
future anti-man rants/quoting of poetry/random do-you-believe-
* in-fairies gibberings will be tolerated only as long a s the above
continue to a ) wear skintight outfits, b) writhe around in their
underpants in videos or c ) straddle random piano stools.

2) As long a s they continue to wear skintight outfits, writhe around

in their underpants in videos a n d / o r molest random piano
stools, the a b o v e agree to c e a s e and desist from decrying how
women are objectified a s sex objects.

3) All award s p e e c h e s given by any of the above from now

on will b e at least 5 0 % relevant, 4 0 % time-appropriate and
10% comprehensible.

4 ) At n o time will any of the a b o v e engage in, mention or refer

to the following:
^ A) living in a van
B) yodeling
C) yodeling in a van
D) poetry, limericks, or album titles of more than 5 0 words
E) fairies, sprites, leprechauns, Maya Angelou, pixies,
magic ponies a n d / o r Pokemon.

ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER WRITER: RUSS COOPER

 1) The above shall not, under any circumstance,
apologize for how incomprehensible his English is
by giving a rambling, disjointed, incomprehensible
20-minute speech in English.

2) The above agrees to learn one English phrase

("thank you") for any future awards show acceptance
speeches, after which he will quietly sit down, shut
the hell up and not indulge in any of the following:
A) climbing on the back of Steven Spielberg's chair
B) grabbing, kissing, fondling and/or lifting awards
show girls
C) grabbing, kissing, fondling and/or lifting
Steven Spielberg.

1) All reasonable steps will be taken to make the above's love life
on-screen appear at least as interesting and scandalous as her
love life off-screen.

2) It shall be understood that puckering, pouting, face-scrunch-

ing, nose-wriggling and/or general all-around puppy-dog-face
making does not constitute or fall under the definition of
"acting," and will therefore not be compensated thereof.

3) To eliminate the possible (and unbearable) repetition of any

further A Perfect Murder/Michael Douglas-style co-star
coupling, the above will be restricted to doing on-screen love
scenes only with actors born in the same millennium as she.

Oprah Winfrey
1) The above agrees to no longer pretend to be in a "professional quandary"
about continuing to do a show where she works one hour a day and gets
paid 50 kazillion dollars.

2) The above will forbear and refrain from this point forward in referring to
the following:
A) Tiger Woods as "America's son"
B) Sinbad as a "comedian"
C) Beloved as "watchable."

3) Book Club Sub-Article 1-A: The above will hereby refrain from including
in her "book club" any book containing/referring to/hinting at any
combination of the following;
A) Mississippi in the '50s
B) Fat chicks, lost kids and/or lost fat kids
C) Books that bravely reveal the hitherto unknown fact that slavery was,
like, really, really bad
D) Any book that could possibly star Oprah in a movie version
E) How men, in various, endless and methodically described detail:
suck, have sucked, will suck, shall suck, should suck, could possibly
have sucked, suck while we speak, sucked and never called, in any or
all measurable amounts of suckirude.
4) For every "puff press release" show the above does for Kevin Costner
and/or John Travolta and/or Ben Affleck and/or Matt Damon and/or
Danny Glover on how "I promise you, this is the best movie I have ever
seen, like, ever," she must do a corresponding show of equal length
reporting that it turned out to be the biggest bomb everyone else had
seen, like, ever.
 OVAL AND OUT DEPT.

It's been eight years,

and it's been exciting.
But now it's time for
President Bill to pack
up all his memories
and belongings and
say goodbye to the
office where so many
interesting and fun
things happened.
So curl up, boys
and girls, and MAD
will tell you a little
bedtime story. ?y- ptfutes b^Jaek Syracuse
It's one we call...

In the oval room

There was a President
And an air of gloom
And the knowledge that

The end of his tenure did loom.

 Goodnight lies Goodnight soft money with Chineset.es.

Goodnight fries

jfm

44
 And to blowing on his sax
'cause he thought it looked "hip"
and to Tripp and to biting his Up
And t o Newt

45
 Goodnight Socks
Goodnight loot
the DNA stain that's still damp
And goodnight t o
47
 G R I E V I N G LAS VEGAS DEPT.

MAD's
CEkEBRITy CHUSE-OFDEHTH

aA
K
CAUSE OF DEATH
\ .
1
Killed by flying splinters while standing
too close to Spanish announcer's table ^—

V.D. contracted from one of

D'Lo Brown's ho escorts 5:1
Terminal "creeps" upon accidentally
catching a glimpse of Rikishi naked 7:1 .'"•*
Brain explodes from trying to keep
all the WWF storylines straight 10:1
Gets drunk, slips and hits head during party at XFL
offices to celebrate putting the NFL out of business 5,400,000,000:1
Stroke from tireless efforts to ensure
that regular telecasts are not just
commercials for the Pay-Per-Views 8,300,000,000:1
Exhaustion from making sure that every
wrestler gets their equal share of WWF profits 1,000,000,000,000 21

ARTIST: JON WE1MAN

WRITER: MIKE SNID ER
 HERE WE GO W I T H ANOTHER RIDICULOUS
WHAT MAGAZINE IS
CELEBRATING A
M - I
The competition in the world of magazines is very fierce. There are so
many titles out there that it's an amazing feat when one reaches a huge
MILESTONE WITH milestone. It takes very clever articles to continue to draw readers each
MUCH FANFARE? month. There is one magazine, however that has become an American
Institution. To find out what this magazine is, fold page in as shown.

FOLD PAGE OVER LEFT - ^ \ FOLD BACK SO THAT "A" MEETS " B "

MOST MAGAZINES SOONER OR LATER DROP DEAD!

DID YOU EVER WONDER WHY IT HAPPENS? WOULDN'T YOU
REALLY LIKE TO KNOW WHY OTHER MAGS HAVE HAD
THE LUCK TO SURVIVE? THE ANSWER YOU WILL DISCOVER,
IDIOMATICALLY SPEAKING IS-"EDGY" EXCITEMENT
Moronically connected.

Latrell Sprewell's PR Firm: Call to discuss

Bobby Knight post-strangling media strategy and spin-control
Former Head Coach,
Indiana University Hoosiers

6 PM: Weekly clinic appointment for experimental

tranquilizer I.V. drip treatment.

rh&

Note to self: When color of face matches

color of sweater, it's time to relax.

pare for WWF debut as new character 'Hoosier Daddy.

Synchronize and back up this stupid #@!*-ing Palm V Org

Oh great, it's beeping —
Hello? Hello?!! How the hell do you answer this thing?
G**DAMN IT!!!!

I
I
Palm Conartists, Inc., developer oSthe worl'
www.palmed-off.com leading obscenely overpriced handheld toy.
©2000 Sickly Palm and the Palm logo are trademarks of Palmed-
Off, Inc., which means nothing to you who will no doubt be much
better off spending S9.99 on an ordinary Daily-Planner book!