Handling Your Child’s

Challenging Behaviors
at Every Age
babies • toddlers • preschoolers • school-age • teenagers

Parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world. While raising children can bring a lot of joy
and love into our lives, it’s also a lot of work and responsibility to prepare children to be independent and capable
adults. Parenting is particularly difficult because our children are constantly changing. Knowing what to expect
helps us understand that many challenging behaviors are just a normal part of growing up. As our children grow,
our expectations and the way we parent should change as well.

This guide can make parenting a little easier by helping you learn more about how
to connect with your child and handle challenging behaviors at every age.
 HOW TO SUPPORT YOUR CHILD’S DEVELOPMENT
As parents, we can help our children learn from their experiences, behaviors, and mistakes through
the way we support and discipline them. According to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, “Discipline is teaching, not
punishment. It won’t happen overnight. It takes repetition and patience. Parents’ long-term goal for
discipline is to instill self-control, so that children eventually set their own limits. This will take many
years.”1 Here are some general ways that you can support your child:
• Connect with your child.2 Spend time with her, hug her, love her, and listen to her. Children
learn to self-regulate and calm down just by being with their parents.2 Respond to your child in a
predictable way so she knows she can rely on you.3
• Communicate with your child.2 Treat her with respect. Show warmth and sensitivity.3 Model
behaviors you want to see in her. Give specific praise for her effort, progress, or positive behaviors.2
• Have clear, consistent rules, expectations, and consequences.2
• Accept and empathize with your child’s feelings, but set limits on behaviors.4
• Follow the 4 R’s of consequences: “Consequences should be related to the behavior,
reasonable in scope, respectful of the child, and revealed in advance.”2
• Use appropriate discipline without harshness.3 Harsh physical or verbal discipline can harm
your relationship and doesn’t help your child learn to behave in the future. Harsh punishment
has been linked to aggression, behavior problems, and depression in children.5

A FEW REMINDERS FOR YOUR PARENTING JOURNEY

• You CAN’T MAKE your child do anything. What you have control over is how you respond.6
• Misbehavior is a normal part of growing up. Be curious about what the misbehavior means and
work to figure out its cause. It’s also normal for kids to be upset sometimes.2
• There is NO perfect parent. All parents make mistakes, and you don’t need to get it 100% right.
We can all learn from our experiences and try a new approach the next time.
• It is normal to feel anger and frustration with your child sometimes. Try to calm down
before you talk to your child. Take deep breaths or step into another room or outside.6 You can
express your anger with words as long as you don’t attack your child’s personality or character.4
“I’m angry you left your bike outside.” “I’m frustrated you’re not following directions.”
• Apologize to your child when you have lost your temper or handled something poorly. You will
be modeling taking responsibility for your actions.
• It takes a village to raise a child, so find help when you need it. Read this guide, talk to friends
and family, read parenting books or blogs, take a parenting class, talk to your child’s teacher or
counselor, visit a family resource center, or talk to a therapist.

Even though parenting can be incredibly rewarding, we all know that it is also hard
work to help your child grow into a resilient and responsible adult. In this guide, you
will find positive ways to handle your child’s challenging behaviors at every age. Read
through the ideas and think about one or two that you want to try!

1 Discipline: The Brazelton Way by T. Berry Brazelton and Joshua D. Sparrow

2 The Good News about Bad Behavior by Katherine Reynolds Lewis
3 www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/childdevelopment/facts.html
4 Between Parent and Child by Haim G. Ginott, Alice Ginott, H. Wallace Goddard
5 www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/Pages/Disciplining-Your-Child.aspx
6 www.zerotothree.org/resources/338-managing-your-own-emotions-the-key-to-positive-effective-parenting
 BABIES • 0-1 years
Your baby adores spending time with YOU! He
wants to know that you will be there to soothe him
when he is upset, but he also wants to interact
with you when he feels excited, shy, or curious.
He wants consistent, reliable, and predictable
care from his caregiver(s).7 So respond when he
babbles, cries, or tries to get your attention.8 Talk
to him, make eye contact, or smile at him. Your
baby learns by engaging with you.8 You also help
your baby develop trust when you respond to him.7
And remember, your baby loves when you sing,
talk, cuddle, hug, kiss, play with, and read to him!

CHALLENGING BEHAVIORS9
99 Not sleeping regular hours
99 Crying
99 Putting everything in her mouth
99 Getting into things
99 Testing limits (for older babies)

HANDLING CHALLENGING BEHAVIORS

• If you’re getting frustrated with your baby, put her
• Take good care of yourself so you can take care of
down on her back in a safe place, and take a break and
your baby. Babies are exhausting, so prioritize sleep and
a few deep breaths. Check on her in a few minutes when
self-care over things that can wait.10
you’re calmer. Never shake your baby.11
• You can’t spoil your baby. Your baby’s brain grows when
• Make your baby’s environment as safe as possible so
you meet her needs and respond to her. So cuddle and
she can explore without needing you to limit her or say
hold her as much as you can!8
“no” too often.13
• Learn about the Period of PURPLE Crying. All babies cry,
• Distract and redirect your baby if you don’t like what
but they cry more between 2 weeks and 4 months. Visit
she’s doing or if she is doing something unsafe. If you
purplecrying.info to learn more.
need to take something away from your baby, give her
• Soothe your baby when she is fussy. All babies cry something new to explore.
sometimes. That’s how they communicate. After you
• Provide limits when necessary. Use positive language
check her diaper and feed her, try soothing her with
when possible. Say, “Food stays on your plate” instead
closeness, skin-to-skin contact, white noise, different
of “Don’t throw food on the floor.” If your baby continues
positions, moving, rocking, pushing her in a stroller,
to throw food, comment without anger, “You’re telling me
giving her a pacifier, or going outside.11 Pay attention to
you’re done with dinner.” Pick her up and move her. It is
your baby’s cues and what she needs.12
normal to need to repeat this until your baby learns the
limit or learns to limit herself!

7 www.simplypsychology.org/Erik-Erikson.html
8 developingchild.harvard.edu/science/key-concepts/serve-and-return/
9 www.heysigmund.com/developmental-stage/
10 www.yolokids.org/make-time-yourself-self-care-guide-busy-parents
11 purplecrying.info/sub-pages/soothing/common-sense-and-well-tried-soothing-methods.php
12 Discipline: The Brazelton Way by T. Berry Brazelton and Joshua D. Sparrow
13 www.babycenter.com/0_childproofing-around-the-house_460.bc
 TODDLERS • 1-3 years
Your toddler craves your time and attention. Read • Use “Do” instead of “Don’t” language. Say, “Walk please”
to her, give her hugs and cuddles, sing to her, play instead of “Don’t run.”
with her, take her for walks and go to the park, • Use “When…then” directions. “When the toys are picked
talk to her, and listen to her. Share what you notice up, then you can have a snack.”19
about her creations, efforts, or good behaviors. • Give age-appropriate choices you can live with so that
Expect to have conflict with your toddler—no your child can feel some control. “You can wear a clip or
get your bangs cut.” “Do you want to wear the green or
matter what. Toddlers want independence and blue shirt?”20
control! You can help your child become confident
• Allow your child to feel whatever he feels. Your job is
and secure by letting her explore, experiment, help to help him express emotions appropriately. “You’re mad
with chores, and figure things out by herself when and sad that we need to leave the park. You wish we
it’s appropriate. Try not to criticize mistakes or could stay.”17
accidents.14 • Set limits on actions. Be clear and firm about
unacceptable conduct and acceptable substitutes. “It’s
okay for you to be mad and sad, but you cannot throw
CHALLENGING BEHAVIORS OF THE AGE15 sand. You can throw a ball in the yard when we get
home.”17
99 Waking up in the middle of the night • If your child doesn’t listen to the limit, give
99 Being defiant (like refusing to do what you ask) consequences related to the limit. Don’t explain or
99 Hurting other people by biting, hitting, and kicking lecture. Just say, “Sand isn’t for throwing” and pick him
up. If your child hits you, remind him, “Hitting hurts. You
99 Loving to say (but not hear) the words “no” and “mine” may not hit. Let’s go sit together until you feel calmer.”17
99 Getting angry when he doesn’t get his own way
• Don’t talk during tantrums. Tantrums are a way for
99 Having tantrums toddlers to let off steam when they’re frustrated. Find
what helps your child calm down. It might be a hug or
going to a quiet place. When it’s over, give him a hug, talk
HANDLING CHALLENGING BEHAVIORS calmly about what happened, and discuss how to handle
big feelings in the future.21
• Make sure your toddler gets enough sleep, eats
regularly, and has consistent routines.16
• Talk about feelings when things are calm. Practice
labeling feelings for yourself, your child, and others. Talk
about acceptable ways to show all feelings, including
anger and jealousy.17
• Pick your battles and avoid power struggles. Your
toddler wants to feel powerful and in control, so save
limits for things that really matter, like safety, health, and
not hurting others.16
• Stay calm. Take a few deep breaths or a time out
yourself if you’re getting angry or impatient. Don’t take
your toddler’s behavior personally.18 It’s a toddler’s job to
test his parents!

14 www.simplypsychology.org/Erik-Erikson.html
15 www.heysigmund.com/developmental-stage/
16 www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/toddlers/toddler-tantrums
17 Between Parent and Child by Haim G. Ginott, Alice Ginott, H. Wallace Goddard
18 Discipline: The Brazelton Way by T. Berry Brazelton and Joshua D. Sparrow
19 The Good News about Bad Behavior by Katherine Reynolds Lewis
20 www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/give-choices
21 www.yolokids.org/weathering-storms-guide-healthy-expressions-emotions
 PRESCHOOLERS • 3-5 years
A preschooler loves to play, so give him your time and
attention as you play together. Talk to him about
what he’s doing and listen to him. Find out what is
important to him. Read to him, sing with him, cuddle
with him, play games or toss a ball with him, count
things with him, and start pointing out letters and
words as he gets closer to kindergarten.22 Help him
develop initiative and feel secure by encouraging
him to play with other children, dress himself, do
simple chores, and plan real and pretend activities.23

CHALLENGING BEHAVIORS OF THE AGE24

99 Wanting control
99 Having a hard time sharing • Use “Do” instead of “Don’t” language. Say, “Walk please”
99 Getting easily frustrated instead of “Don’t run.”
99 Being bossy • Use “When…then” directions. “When your shoes are on,
99 Whining then we can go outside.”29
99 Using aggressive words like “I hate you” • Give choices about things like clothing or what to eat for
99 Hitting and grabbing a snack to give her a sense of control. Make sure that you
99 Developing sudden fears and phobias are fine with any of the limited choices you give.30
99 Not wanting to go to bed • Tell her when you notice that she has done something
99 Having tantrums kind, creative, polite, or helpful.
• Show the behavior you expect from her. Model how to
share and be polite.30
HANDLING CHALLENGING BEHAVIORS • Do not limit feelings, but help your child express
• Make sure your child is getting enough sleep, social emotions appropriately. Reflect your child’s emotions:
time, downtime, and time with you.25 “You are mad. You want to build the house a different
way.”31
• Create a safe environment for exploring and playing so
you can say “no” less often. • Set limits on behaviors. Be clear and firm about what
is unacceptable conduct and what substitute will be
• Develop routines so your child knows what to expect accepted. “Your friend is not for pushing. Your scooter is
during her day.25 for pushing.”31
• Talk about and read books about feelings and appropriate • If your child doesn’t listen to the limit, give
and safe ways to express them.26 consequences related to the limit. Don’t lecture. Say,
• Pick your battles. Sometimes ignoring bad behavior or “Hitting hurts. You may not hit, even when you are mad.
using humor can help stop the behavior.27 However, don’t You are going to have to stop playing with the blocks.”
use sarcasm, which can be confusing for preschoolers to Then remove your child from the situation or take away
understand. the toy.31
• Calm down if you are getting frustrated, and don’t take • During tantrums, don’t talk, explain, or yell. Stay calm
your child’s behavior personally.28 and close by. Once your child settles down, talk calmly
about what happened, and discuss acceptable and
unacceptable behaviors.26
22 www.cde.ca.gov/sp/cd/re/caqdevelopment.asp
23 www.simplypsychology.org/Erik-Erikson.html
24 www.heysigmund.com/developmental-stage/
25 www.ahaparenting.com/Ages-stages/preschoolers/wonder-years
26 www.yolokids.org/weathering-storms-guide-healthy-expressions-emotions
27 www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/Pages/Disciplining-Your-Child.aspx
28 www.yolokids.org/make-time-yourself-self-care-guide-busy-parents
29 The Good News about Bad Behavior by Katherine Reynolds Lewis
30 www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/childdevelopment/positiveparenting/preschoolers.html
31 Between Parent and Child by Haim G. Ginott, Alice Ginott, H. Wallace Goddard
 SCHOOL-AGE CHILDREN • 5-12 years
Although your child is starting to care a lot more
about friends and school, she still needs you! Make
time to talk and connect every day.32 Kids can be
quite talkative in the car, at meals, and when they
get home from school. Show interest in her hobbies
and friends.33 Develop family routines that support
connection, like family meetings, meals together,
and holiday celebrations.32 School-age children
want to feel competent, so let your child take on
age-appropriate challenges like cooking, cleaning,
bathing, and caring for belongings. Don’t always
rescue her, even if things don’t go well.34 Praise her
effort, no matter what happens!

CHALLENGING BEHAVIORS OF THE AGE35

• Nurture problem-solving and negotiating skills. If your
99 Acting like he knows everything
child wants you to change a rule, explain your perspective
99 Frequently complaining and listen to his ideas. Maybe you both can compromise.32
99 Being dramatic • Let your child figure things out on his own when
99 Becoming frustrated and angry (although with more challenges are safe and age-appropriate. He will learn
words than earlier) from his mistakes more quickly than if you rescue him.
99 Caring about what others think Don’t criticize or punish him.
99 Pushing against rules • Create family rules and consequences together. Your
99 Arguing child will be more likely to follow limits if he helps create
them. However, it’s your job to enforce consequences.38
• Stick to limits but do not punish your child. Here are
HANDLING CHALLENGING BEHAVIORS some ideas:39
• Don’t overschedule your child. School-age kids still • Express your feelings strongly—without yelling or
need downtime.32 attacking character. Focus on the behavior: “I am
frustrated because you are not sticking to your hour
• Keep it simple. Be clear and don’t lecture. Remember
limit on screen time.”
humor often helps solve problems.36
• State your expectations. Be clear and firm: “I expect
• Pick your battles. Focus your energy on safety, health,
you to stick to your TV time limit.”
and respecting others.
• Show your child how to make amends: “Turn off the
• Stay calm when things get rough. Take a few deep
TV now.”
breaths. Pause before responding. Seek empathy from
your friends. Forgive yourself and your child when things • If your child doesn’t stop, give him a choice: “You can
don’t go well. stick to the hour of screen time we agreed on, or you
can give up the privilege of watching TV tomorrow. You
• Encourage your child to talk about his emotions.37 Don’t
decide.”
get upset with your child for being scared, sad, jealous,
or angry. Talk about how to appropriately express these • If your child still doesn’t stop, take action: Child:
normal emotions. “Where is the remote?” Father: “I put it away until
tomorrow. Why do you think I put it away?”
• Problem-solve together for the next time: “What can
we do to help you stick to your screen time limits?”
32 www.ahaparenting.com/Ages-stages/school-age/your-gameplan
33 www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/childdevelopment/positiveparenting/middle.html
34 www.simplypsychology.org/Erik-Erikson.html
35 www.heysigmund.com/developmental-stage/
36 Between Parent and Child by Haim G. Ginott, Alice Ginott, H. Wallace Goddard
37 www.yolokids.org/weathering-storms-guide-healthy-expressions-emotions
38 The Good News about Bad Behavior by Katherine Reynolds Lewis
39 How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
 TEENAGERS • 13+ years
Your teenager is trying to discover who he is and in the day, and limiting screen time, especially before
where he fits in the world.40 Part of that journey bedtime.46
involves figuring out how he relates to you now. • Encourage your teen to solve her own problems. Show
her you have confidence in her and offer support when
Be prepared for him to talk to you one minute and she needs it.43
ignore you the next.41 Try not to take it personally. • Set limits and consequences together about things
Be ready to connect, talk, give hugs, and celebrate that are really important to you.47 Agree on non-
his efforts and accomplishments when he’s negotiable family rules, like using a respectful tone and
avoiding drugs and alcohol.48
ready.42 Eat meals together when possible. Respect
his privacy and listen without judgment and he’ll • Teach without punishing. Punishment does not help
your teen learn from her mistakes. Instead, she may focus
be more likely to ask you for guidance or help.43 on how unreasonable you are! Here are some alternatives
Empathize a lot, give information, share your to punishment:43
values, but don’t lecture.44 • State your feelings: “I’m upset that you’re not turning
in your math homework.”
• State your expectations: “I expect schoolwork to
CHALLENGING BEHAVIORS OF THE AGE44 come before activities.”
• Show how to make amends: “All of your assignments
99 Arguing
need to be made up.”
99 Becoming more emotionally distant
• If your teen doesn’t make amends, offer a choice:
99 Prioritizing friends over family “1) Give up soccer until you’re caught up or 2) find a
99 Changing sleep patterns (falling asleep late, waking up late) way to fit in homework and soccer. I believe you can
do it.”
99 Engaging in risky behaviors like drinking, smoking,
vaping, using drugs, and becoming sexually active • Take action if the behavior continues: “You need
to take a break from soccer until you’re caught up
and can stick to a schedule that makes time for both
homework and soccer.”
HANDLING CHALLENGING BEHAVIORS
• Listen respectfully to your teen. Don’t dismiss her
feelings, which can make her defensive.43
• Be brief, clear, and respectful. If your teen is
disrespectful, respond, “That was rude. Please do not
speak to me like that.” Then, let it go. Make your point
and let her process it.
• Be kind to yourself. It’s normal to feel worried about
your teen and sad when she pulls away from you. It can
help to share your feelings with friends who have teens.43
• Be honest and share your values. Discuss the risks
of sex, alcohol, drugs, smoking, and vaping.45 Help your
teen brainstorm how to handle difficult or uncomfortable
situations. Let her know you will help if she finds herself
in risky or unsafe situations.42
• Support good self-care, such as getting enough sleep
and exercise, eating healthy foods, avoiding caffeine late

40 www.simplypsychology.org/Erik-Erikson.html
41 Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood by Lisa Damour
42 www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/childdevelopment/positiveparenting/adolescence2.html
43 How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
44 www.heysigmund.com/developmental-stage/
45 www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/childdevelopment/positiveparenting/adolescence.html
46 www.ahaparenting.com/Ages-stages/teenagers/parenting-teens
47 The Good News about Bad Behavior by Katherine Reynolds Lewis
48 www.ahaparenting.com/Ages-stages/tweens/positive-discipline-preteen
 TO LEARN MORE...
WEBSITES ON CHILD DEVELOPMENT AND PARENTING
• Ages and Stages (American Academy of Pediatrics) www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages (Also in Spanish)
• Ages and Stages of Development (California Department of Education) www.cde.ca.gov/sp/cd/re/caqdevelopment.asp
• Aha! Parenting Website and Blog www.ahaparenting.com
• Parent Information (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention)
• Positive Parenting Tips www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/childdevelopment/positiveparenting (Also in Spanish)
• Essentials for Parenting Toddlers and Preschoolers www.cdc.gov/parents/essentials (Also in Spanish)
• What’s the Best Way to Discipline My Child? (American Academy of Pediatrics) www.healthychildren.org/English/
family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/Pages/Disciplining-Your-Child.aspx (Also in Spanish)

BOOKS ON CHILD DEVELOPMENT AND PARENTING (Available at Yolo County Library)

• Between Parent and Child by Haim G. Ginott, Alice Ginott, & H. Wallace Goddard (2003)
• Discipline: The Brazelton Way, Second Edition by T. Berry Brazelton & Joshua D. Sparrow (2015)
• The Good News About Bad Behavior: Why Kids are Less Disciplined Than Ever and What to Do About It by Katherine
Reynolds Lewis (2018)
• How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish (2012)
• How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish (2006)

PARENTING CLASSES AND PROGRAMS IN YOLO COUNTY

• CommuniCare: Parenting and family services. (530) 405-2815 or (916) 403-2970 www.communicarehc.org
• Family Hui: Empowering and educational parenting groups. www.familyhuimainland.org
• Healthy Families Yolo County: Individualized parent support, home visiting services, and more through Yolo County
Children’s Alliance. (530) 902-5983
• Help Me Grow: Free developmental screenings and connections to resources for children 0-5. (844) 410-GROW
www.helpmegrowyolo.org
• Yolo County Family Resource Centers: Parenting classes, support, and resources.
• Empower Yolo: Woodland, Davis, and Knights Landing. (530) 661-6336
• RISE, Inc.: Winters and Esparto. (530) 787-4110
• Yolo County Children’s Alliance: West Sacramento and Clarksburg. (916) 572-0560
• Yolo County Nurse Home Visiting Program: (530) 666-8340
• Yolo Crisis Nursery: Support and childcare for children up to age 5 in times of family crisis. (530) 758-6680
www.yolocrisisnursery.org

HOTLINES
• National Parent Helpline: Emotional support and referrals to services. (855) 427-2736
• Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: Crisis intervention and information. (800) 422-4453

If you are concerned about your child’s development or need more help, contact your child’s
pediatrician, teacher, or school counselor.

This guide was produced by the Yolo County Children’s Alliance as a

project of the Yolo County Child Abuse Prevention Council. Learn more at
www.yolokids.org/forfamilies