SCARS

OF
A
DAUGHTER
BY: Minenhle Khumalo
 All rights reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any forms,
or by any means without the prior permission in writing by the author, nor be otherwise circulated in any
form of binding or cover other than that which exists and without similar condition including this
condition being imposed on the subsequent reader.

Copyright © Minenhle Khumalo 2018

The moral right of the author has been asserted

All characters and events in this book, either than those clearly in the public domain, are fictitious and
any resemblance to real persons, dead or alive, is purely coincidental.
Suicide Crisis Helpline- 0800 12 14 13
SADAG (South African Depression and
Anxiety Group)- 0800 567 567
Lifeline SA- 0861 322 322

YOUR LIFE DOES

MATTER
Prologue

Princess,
You're beautiful,
You're enough,
I've got you,
You're my precious,
I will never let anyone hurt you,
You're going knock the world off of its feet one day,
I'm proud of you,
Daddy's little girl,
My angel,
I LOVE YOU.
All these words are something a daughter deserves to hear from their father‟s
but unfortunately not all of us are that blessed.
In my 25 years on this earth I'm yet to hear those words from my father.
The pain is unimaginable especially seeing how all his other children have
experienced his love in all its forms. My father has children outside his marriage
to my mother and they're all girls. I remember the first time I met all of them I
was 18 and to say I was shocked is an understatement.
In that moment of meeting my siblings it made sense why I never got to
experience his love. He had his perfect daughters out there in the world. They
all took his light complexion, his hazel brown eyes, his perfectly straight teeth,
his thin and tall physique, his beautiful thick hair and his deep dimples.
There was no comparison there.
Beautiful, thin and light skinned versus dark, chubby and well ugly I guess.
Ugly – that‟s how I‟ve felt all my life and always being compared to my
„sister‟s‟ made it worse.
“Oh wow you don‟t look like them.”
“They‟re so beautiful what happened to you?”
“If only you hadn‟t taken your mother‟s complexion maybe you would‟ve had
the looks.”
“Are you sure you‟re related to them?”
“Maybe if you lose weight you might just fit in with them.”
“Shame all the beauty bypassed you hey.” Yep I‟ve heard it all and I accepted
it.
It‟s not like anyone would jump to my defence whenever people would start
attacking me so that‟s that. I still remember the conversation I had with my
sister‟s the day we met.
“Dad is the perfect dad don‟t you think?”
“Why do you say that?” I asked.
“Well because I don‟t live with him but he calls me every day to find out how
my day was and to wish me a goodnight.” Crushed doesn‟t even come close to
how I felt on that day.
I lived with the man and he had never EVER taken an interest in my schooling.
I remember I had asked him to pay for my extra lesson after I failed a term and
his response was „I have things to do, I‟ll see.‟
“Well mina he calls me every day just to tell me I‟m beautiful.” I‟ve never
heard those words come out of his mouth directed to me. In fact our
conversations never went anywhere.
“It was my birthday last week and he took me out on a date.” He had never
wished me a happy birthday. I doubt he knew when it was.

My thoughts are interrupted by my boyfriend hugging me from behind.

“Hi gorgeous.” He placed on my cheek.

“Hi.”
“You look beautiful.”
“Thanks.” Not that I believe it. I grew up hearing every negative word in the
book so why would I start believing them now.
“I love you have a great day okay.” He places a kiss on my lips then walks out.
He knows that I won‟t utter the three magic words back.
He knew when we first got together that I wasn‟t looking for a man but he
forced his way into my life and here we are. He‟s been good to me and I am
grateful to him for all that he has done. He‟s done well in camouflaging the pain
that has dwelled in me all my life.
ONE

“Hi I‟m Slindile.” I looked up and I was met by a really pretty girl.
“Hi I‟m Thando.”
“Can I be your friend?” Why would she want to be my friend? I mean there are
so many pretty girls in this class and she picked me?
“Ok.” I said shrugging my shoulder.
“I have a feeling we‟re going to be the best of friends.” And that was how I
became friends with Slindile.
We were in grade 4 when she came to our school. New kid and she picked me,
the unwanted dark fat kid to be her friend.
“Whoooo Slindile, why would you want to be friends with mubiza over there
when there are people like me in here?”
“Lerato I don‟t like how you‟re talking about my friend.”
“I‟m just saying she is ugly though.” I tried so hard to fight my tears.
This was an everyday thing so I didn‟t understand why it still made me sad. I
was bullied since pre-school actually. I remember the first time someone was
mean to me was on the first day of school. He was older probably in grade 7,
why he would pick on a kid I didn‟t understand.
That was my first encounter with bullying and well it‟s been happening for a
few years now and that‟s that.
“Oho stay with this thing of yours.” Lerato‟s voice snapped me out my
thoughts.
Slindile and I grew closer as the days went by and I can honestly say she was
one of the best things that had ever happened to me.
I walked home after school excited because I was promised a cake and I
couldn‟t wait to have that. I walked into the yard and noticed that my father was
home. Hmmmm. I walked in heading to the bedroom, changed out of my
uniform then went to go look for mom. I found her in the kitchen with my father.
“Hello.”
“Hi nana. Do you have homework?”
“No.”
“Okay then go play.”
“But mama you said you‟re going to get me cake.”
“Well as you can see there‟s no cake.” He didn‟t even greet me but he jumps
into my conversation with mama just like that?
“Kodwa.”
“Yey Thando just go play!!!”
“Mama, why are you shouting at me?” I asked with tears falling down my face.
I didn‟t understand what I had done really.
“THANDO JUST GO.” I ran out the house with tears running down my face.
I wiped my tears when I got to the gate then ran to Kagiso‟s house to play. All
the kids in the neighbourhood played at his house because he had all the latest
toys. I found everyone there already and I immediately forgot about the tears
that were falling down my face just a few moments ago.
“Hi guys.”
“Hi Thando.” It they sang back.
Kagiso was the oldest kid in our neighbourhood we all looked to him for some
sort of guidance I guess. The afternoon went along so quickly and before we
knew it, it was time to head home. I got home and found them watching TV in
silence, story of my life.
“My teacher entered me into a maths competition.” I said as I shoved a spoon
full of rice in my mouth.
“Hmmmmm.” I looked up and saw that none of them were paying attention to
me.
“Baba.”
“What?” He snapped.
“I said I‟m going to be representing the school in a maths competition this
week. The entries were actually closed but the principal fought hard just so I
could get in.” I said so excited.
I mean it was the only good thing that was happening in my life.
“Okay.” Okay? That‟s it?
I tell you that me, your daughter in grade 4 is representing the school and all
you can say is okay? Wow.
“Mama?”
“Go sleep Thando you have school tomorrow.” My heart sunk. How she just
dismiss me like that? I went to bed feeling beyond small.

I woke up the next day and got ready for school. Yey, back to being bullied. I
hated going to that place but I didn‟t have a choice now did I?
“But why are you so ugly wena rubbish?” That was Lerato.
I don‟t know what I ever did to her that made her hate me this much. She
tormented me every day. I walked away from them and headed to class. I was
often called a teacher‟s pet because I preferred to spend most of my time in
class with the teacher. That was because I didn‟t have any other friends other
than Sli and she was making new friends and I didn‟t want to be the reason that
they didn‟t want to play with her so I kept my distance a bit.
“So Thando are you ready for the competition?”
“Yes ma‟am.”
“You‟re going to do great okay, you‟re a very smart young girl.”
“Thank you Miss S.”
“Here.” She gave me a packet of chips and a chocolate. My heart beamed.
“No thank you, I can‟t accept this.” I said shyly
“You can. Now take them.” I nodded shyly and took them. “Eat them in here
because I know that they‟re going want you to give them some.” She said
laughing lightly.
“Thank you.” This was the best thing that anyone had ever done for me in the
longest time ever.
After school came and I rushed home to go change because I couldn‟t wait to
go play at Kagiso‟s. My father wasn‟t home.
“Hi mama.”
“Hello Thandolwam how are you.”
“I‟m fine and you?”
“Good. So tell me about this competition of yours.” Mama said.
Now here‟s there thing about mama, I had noticed that whenever that man was
around her attitude towards me would change and I just couldn‟t understand
why that was.
“It‟s just a maths competition.”
“Are you going to get a prize?” I shrugged my shoulders as I ran out to go
play.
I found Kagiso sitting next to Nokuthula. She kept on saying she wasn‟t playing
anymore and I just didn‟t understand why because they were just sitting.
“I want to play.” I said.
“Are you sure?” Kagiso asked.
“Yes.”
“And you‟re not allowed to run away when I catch you okay.”
“Okay.” I sat on the ground waiting for the game to begin.
He stood up and walked towards me. I stood up and ran but he caught me. He
carried me to the back of the house and all I wanted to run away but then I
remembered the rule, I wasn‟t allowed to run. He pushed my panties to the side
and shoved his finger deep inside my hole. I felt a sharp pain shoot right
through my body. He had his hand on my waist and I was holding onto the wall
so there was no way that I could get away. He pushed his finger in deeper and I
felt myself getting lifted off the ground.
“Please stop please.” I begged but he wasn‟t having any of it.
He kept on going and he eventually stopped. He pulled his finger out then let go
of my waist and I just bolted. I ran all the way home. I didn‟t even want to look
back. I headed straight to the bathroom to go check what was happening down
there. I wiped myself with toilet paper and the sight of the blood freaked me out.
I took of my panties then washed them. I wanted to tell mom but I found her with
my father and I knew I was going get it so I just let it go.

“Baby.”
“Huh?” I opened my eyes and found him looking at me.
“You zoned out again.” Argh damn at least I‟m in the house this time. “Were
you back there again?” I nodded and he heaved a sigh.
He pulled me into his arms and I clung onto him for dear life.
“You‟re so amazing do you know that Thando?” I shook my head. “Well you
are and I love you so much. I know you won‟t say it back but we‟ll get there.” I
didn‟t know how to respond to that so I just kept quiet.
“Why you home early?”
“I forgot a file.”
“Okay.”
“I hope one day you‟ll be able to trust me enough to let me into the deepest and
darkest parts of you.”
“Lunga I…”
“It‟s okay I understand. Look let me dash, I‟ll see you later.” Will I ever trust
him enough to tell him about it all? I don‟t know.
Two

My name is Thandolwethu Mbatha, I'm 25 years old and I have deep rooted
issues that go way back when. My boyfriend - Bless his heart - is the most
sweet and caring human being I have ever come across. We met at his work
place when I went there for a freelance job I had scored. I'm a freelance graphic
designer and honestly this was not the path I thought I would take in my life.
Actually growing up I never knew what I wanted to be. Everyone around me
had it all figured out and me? I was just moving with the wind. My phone rang
and it was my father, argh.
"Hello."
"Thando."
"Yebo." I rolled my eyes.
"Your sister is graduating next week."
"That‟s nice."
"So we're throwing a party for her la endlini."
"You and who?"
"Your mother and I." Wow talk about a jab.
I graduated. Did I get a party? Nope. I got a job. Did I get congratulations
Thando? Nope. Hehe but then again what did I expect.
"That's nice."
"So you need to be there."
"Hmmmm."
"Thando."
"Yini?"
"You will be there end of discussion."
"Listen I have an incoming call, I'll try call you later." I hung up before he could
say anything.
I was trying so hard to keep it together but I couldn‟t. I allowed my tears to flow
freely. I heard footsteps coming towards the kitchen and I wiped my tears
quickly and carried on making breakfast.
"Hey baby." I cleared my throat before I spoke.
"Hi nana."
"You slept well?"
"Yep you?"
"Yes." He held me from behind and I threw my head back resting it on his
chest. "Nothing they say or do can break the phenomenal woman that you are."
How he always knew what to say and when was always a mystery.
"I hear you."
"I wish you could see yourself through my eyes."
"Lunga."
"Yes my queen?"
"Thank you."
"I haven't even done anything yet." That had my stomach doing back flips.
Just his voice alone did things to me. My man was the whole package though.
His beautifully sculpted body, his mesmerising eyes in collaboration with his
hypnotic voice, my goodness did things that I just couldn't explain. How he
embraced my chubby body now that, that almost brought tears to my eyes. As
someone who has always struggled with her weight finding someone who
accepted that part of me was just amazing.

"Go in there and just write your brain out okay."

"I'm nervous Miss S."
"You're such a smart, bright young girl my beautiful Thando, you need to
believe that."
"Thank you ma'am."
"Okay now go in there and show that test what you're made of." She gave me a
high five then walked me into the 'exam' room.
I walked out of there feeling sick to my stomach. I had no idea whether I did
good or not.
"How was it angel?"
"I don't know."
"You poor thing you're shaking, come here." She pulled me into her arms and
for the first time in a very long time I felt the warm embrace of a mother. She
held onto me like I was her own, I hoped that I was hers but I knew I could
never be. I pulled out of the embrace and walked towards the car. "Are you
okay?"
"I'm fine I just need to sit." We got into the car and she drove off. McDonald's
when last did I have this?
"Do you want juice or a fizzy drink?"
"Juice please." We got our meals then sat at one of the tables.
"I'm proud of you. Representing the school at your age is very impressive."
"Thank you." I said shyly.
"Finish up so we can get you home."
I got home and found them in the kitchen..
"Mama Miss S said I did really good today."
"That's good."
"Baba."
"Yebo." He wasn't even looking at me.
"Do you think I'm smart." He just looked at me before walking out. I walked to
my room feeling sad. Why was he so mean? What did I do to make him angry?
"Thandooooo." What now?
"Ma?"
"Didn't I say you must wash your socks every day?"
"You did but I was just resting a bit but I was gonna get to it."
"Uuseless yazi, rhaaaa."
"Ma."
"Futhi you know you need to tidy up in the living room angithi. Kanti why do we
have that board that has all the chores written on it if you won't follow it?"
"Angithi I was...”
"Argh yazi you really are useless." My heart sank. What did I deserve to have
that word thrown at me? I did all my chores then went to bed without even
having supper.
I woke up the next morning dreading going to school. During assembly the Miss
S took the stage.
"Yesterday a learner from our school competed in the Department of
Education's mathematics regional competition. Thando Mbatha in grade 4
made us proud by just qualifying for the exam but we know that when the results
come she'll take the first spot." Everyone was clapping and cheering and I
couldn't understand why.
"Kanti mubiza you're smart? Then again you needed to make up for your lack of
looks angithi." She walked away leaving me feeling smaller than before. God
why me?
"Hi Thando."
"Hello Sli."
"I bought you an apple munch and a packet of chips just to say
congratulations." I smiled widely.
"Thank you so much."
"You're so smart so I'm sure you did really well."
"Thank you." Am I smart really? I don't know I mean I get by at school kodwa
smart haai. After school came and I headed home. I did my chores then went to
go play at Kagiso's house.
"Thando."
"Hello Kagiso."
"Did you enjoy our little game?"
"No it was sore."
"I promise it won't be sore today." I shook my head. "Please." He asked so
nicely.
"Okay." We headed to the same spot as last time. I shoved his finger in and the
pain was still there but it wasn't as bad. He was making sounds that I didn't
understand. He made a sound and it lasted a bit longer before he let me go. "I
enjoy playing with you Thando."
"Okay." I said smiling. I played with the other kids before rushing home. Like
last time I checked myself but this time there wasn't really blood there. I felt
relieved. I had supper with my parents in silence. I wish I had a sibling then
maybe things would be nice around here.

"Baby." I looked at him.

"Sorry what were you saying?" He sighed.
"I wanted to take you out for dinner tonight." I smiled.
"I would love that."
"See you later."
"I might just come sneak a kiss after my meeting with Mrs Mkhize."
"You're coming to the office?"
"She asked me to come in for a few minutes." Lunga worked at a division of
Mkhize Holdings and that's where we met. I came on as their freelance graphic
designer and I was there for a week and this man forced his way into my life.
We started off as friends but Lunga being Lunga was just like nope that isn‟t
enough and well here we are.
"Okay. I'll see you later then." He walked out and I made my way to the study
to go prep for my meeting with Mrs Mkhize. I don't know what to expect but
she's a beautiful soul so I know it's not anything bad. Who knows maybe she
might just offer me a permanent position. Wouldn't that be nice?
Three

“Hey darling looking smashing!” I said to Lynn as I walk past her desk. She
giggled.
“And you look sexy with all that ass out to play.” I stuck my tongue out to her
then gave my juice a light smack. I heard laughter coming from behind me and I
was too embarrassed to turn around.
“Trying to take my girl from me are we now Thando?” I chortled
“Dammit Sfiso you almost gave me a heart attack.” He and Lynn broke out into
laughter.
“Who did you think it was?”
“Angaz but all I know is I was going to die of embarrassment of it was the big
boss.” I said laughing.
“Zobuhle?” Sfiso asked.
“No her husband.” They shared a laugh.
“I agree that would‟ve been embarrassing.”
“Exactly. Love birds let me go up, Sfiso is she busy?”
“No she‟s waiting for you.”
“Cool.” I walked away leaving them staring into each other‟s eyes. In the short
while that I‟ve known them I‟ve noticed that they can‟t keep their hands off
each other, it‟s cute but nasty at the same time. Not in a bad way though. He
looks at her like she‟s a glass of water that he needs to gulp down after he‟s
been stuck on a desert for the longest time ever.
I knocked before walking into Mrs Mkhize‟s office. She had her head down
with her face in the laptop, that‟s how close she was to it.
“Mrs Mkhize.” She looked up and smiled. I have never looked at a person and
aspired to be half the human being that they were but Mrs Mkhize my goodness.
When I grow up I want to be just like her. So gracious, humble, loving, beyond
caring and oh so warm and inviting. Although I wonder if I have it in me to be
warm and inviting, I mean my heart isn‟t exactly... Argh never mind.
“Thando I keep telling you to call me Zobuhle or Zo or Buhle just stop calling
me Mrs MKhize.” I chuckle.
“But you are Mrs Mkhize njena.” She let out a sweet laugh. If I was into girl‟s
full time she would be on my attack list.
“Arghh.” Was that an eye roll? Hehe. “Anyway how are you?”
“I‟m okay thanks and you?”
“I‟m good thanks. Would you like anything to drink?”
“No thank you.”
“Okay. So the reason I called you in is because I have an offer for you. I need
you full time.”
“Okay.”
“With the company expanding and all our divisions growing and with the
upcoming...”
“Okay yes I‟m in.” She looked at me softly. Dammit this woman was gorgeous.
I wonder if she makes ugly faces when she‟s in the toilet. Does she even go to
the toilet? I don‟t think so.
“Having an in-house graphic design team actually makes much more sense than
having to always outsource.”
“That‟s true.”
“So you will head up the division and you get to...” Whoooo what?
“Wait kanti I‟m not just a junior?”
“No dear. It‟s a completely non-existent department so we‟re building from the
ground up and I would love for you to head it up.” I shake my head. I can‟t
“I can‟t.” I say softly.

“You‟re useless you‟ll never amount to anything.”

“All you‟re good for is working for someone else.”
“Hahahaha shame you think you can do it? We‟ll if you can then I definitely
can as well.”
“You‟re being ridiculous why would they even think of hiring you mara?
“Heey Thando look at me.” Mrs Mkhize said. She wiped my tears and led me to
the couch. I‟m crying? Why the fuck are you crying Thando? Get it together!
YOU DO NOT CRY!!! “Thando.” She said softly. I looked up and I was met by
her worried face.
“I‟m sorry.”
“It‟s okay sweetie.” I stood up and she did as well.
“Thank you for considering me for the position but I can‟t take it. So please find
someone else and if you‟re still interested in having me with the company then
you can get me a position as a junior part of the team.” She looked at me softly
before taking my hand in hers.
“Why do you doubt yourself?” She mustn‟t try psychoanalysing me here.
“Mrs Mkhize will all due respect ma‟am can we please not.” She let go of my
hand and gave me her friendly smile.
“Of course.” She stepped back.
“If that was all?”
“It was.”
“Okay, thank you.” She gave me a light nod and watched as I walked out. I
pushed all the thought I had rushing in my head as I walked to Lunga‟s office. I
knocked once before walking in.
“Oh sorry I didn‟t know you were in a meeting.”
“It‟s okay baby we were wrapping up anyway. Latoya just e-mail me the edited
version of the plan.”
“Sure boss.” She got up. Hmmm pretty. Maybe I must step aside for her. She
collected her files and gave me a sweet smile as she walked out.
“How did your meeting go?” He sat me on his lap. Latoya‟s lap maybe?
“Baby?”
“Hmmmm.”
“What‟s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Khuluma nami baby please.”
“Really I‟m fine.” I smashed my lips on his. It took some time before he kissed
me back but when he did he took control of it. I must admit I was ready to let
him have me right then and there. I pulled back and gave him a soft peck before
getting off his lap. “I‟ll see you later?”
“Yeah, dress up okay.” I raised my eyebrow.
“Fancy are we now Mr Ntombela?” He chuckled.
“Just spoiling my gorgeous woman.” I frowned a bit.
“I see.”
“You need to stop doing that baby.”
“I‟ll see you later.” I walked towards the door.
“And running doesn‟t help but I‟ll see you later.” I walked straight to my car. I
didn‟t even say bye to Lynn. I hate it when Lunga does that and he knows it as
well. He must just accept me as I am or just keep moving.
Four

“Thando get ready we‟re visiting Dora for the weekend.”

“Okay.” I rushed to go get ready then packed my clothes in a small bag. I
finished then went to go put the bag in the car. I ran back inside to grab an
apple. I was excited to be away from home. Aunt Dora lived by the sea and she
had a pool so visiting her was always great. The trip was long but eventually we
got there and all I wanted to do was swim.
“Thando.”
“Hello Aunt Dora.”
“You look pretty.”
“Thank you.” She gave me a hug. I ran inside with my bag then changed into
my costume.
“Already Thando.”
“Yes.” I spent the rest of the afternoon in the pool. I knew I was going to sleep
nice because water doesn‟t play. I was busy bathing when Aunt Dora walked in.
“You‟re growing up aren‟t you?” She said that while taking the bath sponge
from me. She started bathing me. She took her time on my lady parts. “Do you
want to sleep with me tonight?
“Okay.” She smiled. Aunt Dora was mama‟s friend and I had known her for all
my life. She finished bathing me then dressed me in my pyjamas. We had supper
while watching TV. Mama and Aunt Dora were talking and I heard them say
something about baba but I didn‟t care I was just watching cartoons. The
Power Puff Girls were my favourite especially Buttercup, I wish I was as tough
as her sometimes.
“Okay bedtime young lady let‟s go.” We went to bed and she tucked me in
before she went to go bath. She came back in and pulled me closer to her body.
“Goodnight Aunty.”
“Before you sleep can you do me a little favour?”
“Okay.”
“Just don‟t tell anyone, it‟s our little secret ne.” I nodded. She took my hand
and put it inside her panties. “Play with your hand.” I started moving it around
and she was making sound.
“But Aunty why is there hair there?”
“Because I‟m grown nana.” She put hers in mine just like Kagiso did and I
relaxed a bit because Kagiso said it was a game. We played until she said it was
fine and then we slept.
The weekend was nice I had fun swimming and playing with Aunty as well as
the dogs during the day. I didn‟t want to go back home. We got home and baba
was there with bab‟mncane.
“Sanibonani.”
“Nkosazana unjani?” I smiled widely.
“I‟m good thanks and you.”
“Ngiyaphila. Ngiyezwa ukuthi you were at the sea.”
“Yes.” I said with so much excitement. “I even came back with shells. I‟ll ask
mama if I can give you one so you can go home with it ne.” He chuckled.
“Ngiyabonga nkosazana.” I went to go polish my school shoes and get ready
for tomorrow.

Monday, yey another chance for Lerato to bully me. I got ready then headed to
school. During assembly Miss S took the stage.
“Good morning school.”
“Good morning Miss S and teacher‟s and fellow students.”
“I hope we all had a good weekend. So I‟m here to announce the results from
the Maths competition and I am proud to say our Thando Mbatha came out
second overall.” We hall erupted with cheers. Me? Second? “This means that
our Thando is the second smartest child in maths in our province.” I couldn‟t
believe it. I spent the whole day on a high.
“You couldn‟t even place first? Stupid.”
“Says you Lerato who couldn‟t even qualify for the exam.” I walked away. I
was too happy to let anyone put me down. I was given a goodie bag that had all
kinds of nice things. I was excited to have the Pringles.
“Mama.” I shouted as I walked in the house. I found her drinking tea.
“Hmm where did you get that?”
“I got it at school. They gave it to me because I came out second in the maths
competition.” I took the certificate out my bag and gave it to her.
“Well done nana.”
“Thank you.”

“I got caught up at the office and traffic is crazy but we‟re still going out. I hope
you‟re getting ready.” I smiled as I read the text from Lunga. I‟ve already
showered and all I needed to do was apply my makeup then get dressed. I opted
for a red fit and flare dress that Lunga bought for me. He walked in just as I was
putting on my shoes.
“Wow you‟re done I‟m surprised.”
“I‟m always on time hau.”
“Right... African time.” We shared a laugh.
“Leave me alone.”
“You look dashing my queen.”
“Thank you.”
“Shall we?”
“Yes.” He kept on stealing glances at me as he drove to wherever he was taking
me.
“You‟re so beautiful.”
“Thank you. So where are you taking me?”
“You‟ll see.” He parked, got out then came to open my door. He had my hand
in his as he led me down a dodgy passage.
“This place is dodge.”
“Nothing is going to happen to you don‟t worry.” I chuckled while shaking my
head. He opened the door and what was behind it was so beautiful. I recognised
the place. It was his friend‟s restaurant he brought me here on our first official
date. I didn‟t know the place from the back that‟s why I couldn‟t tell where we
were. The table in the middle of the room had a cute romantic setup with rose
petals scattered all over the table. I chuckled when I saw how big the wine
glasses were.
“The wine glasses?”
“You always complain that they don‟t make then big enough so I made a plan.”
“It‟s all so beautiful. Thank you.”
“Anything to put a smile on your face baby.” It‟s moments like these that made
me sad, the fact that I couldn‟t fully let him in and give myself to him. He‟s
such a patient guy but I know it will run out at some point. Also I don‟t want
him to be with a woman who can‟t be with him on all levels.
“Lunga I‟m sorry.” I said softly.
“Shhhh baby. Don‟t.” I nodded. “Now come let‟s eat. The evening was filled
with laughs and such sweet moments and I wish it was all that easy but it‟s not.
Five

“I‟m going to miss you Sli.”

“I‟m going to miss you too. Do you really have to go?”
“Mama says the new place is closer to baba‟s work.”
“Okay. Hopefully you‟ll come visit.”
“I will.” We hugged. I was sad to be moving but there was nothing I could do.
I‟m going to. be doing my grade 7 at a new school and I‟m nervous. I don‟t
know why we have to move but whatever.
“Ready?”
“I guess.” I said shrugging my shoulders. We finally got to the new house and I
was happy because we had a pool. Schools were opening tomorrow and I was
beyond nervous.
“You‟re going to do well angithi.” I nodded.
“I guess.”
“That school is expensive so you can‟t waste my money.” Of course it was
about his money argh.
“May I be excused?”
“So early?”
“I have a long day tomorrow so.”
“Ok goodnight nana.”
“Sharp.” Dear Lord I hope the people at this school are nicer than bo Lerato.
I woke up the following morning and got ready for school. I couldn‟t even eat
breakfast. Baba dropped me off at school. I went to the office and I was shown
to my class.
“Hi I‟m Nosipho.”
“Thando.”
“Nice too meet you.”
“You too.”
“So why a new school in grade 7.”
“Had to move this side because of Baba‟s work.”
“Oh okay. Well I‟m sure you‟re going to enjoy it here.”
“I hope so.”
I must admit it wasn‟t so bad. I was settling in very well here although there
was this one really mean girl but Nosipho told me not to mind her.
I woke up feeling a bit under the weather. I rushed to the bathroom to vomit.
Must be bug.
“Are you vomiting?”
“Yeah must be a bug or something.”
“I hope you‟re not pregnant.”
“Huh?” What‟s that?
“You haven‟t slept with a boy angithi?” I don‟t understand.
“No I haven‟t.”
“Good.” She walked away. I got ready for school then waited for the transport.
I was getting weaker and weaker as the day went by so I ended up going to the
sick room.
“You‟re burning up, should I call your parents?” The school nurse asked.
“No can I just sleep? I‟ll wait for my transport.”
“Okay sweetie.”
“Nurse G.”
“Yes.”
“What is pregnant?”
“Where did you hear that?”
“On TV.” I lied.
“It‟s when a woman has a child growing inside of her.”
“How does the child get there?”
“Have you started you periods?”
“No.”
“Then you don‟t have to worry about this but just stay away from boys okay.”
“Okay.” I slept. When I woke up it was already after school and the transport
was already waiting for me.

I thought I left the bullying at my previous school but I guess not. The mean girl
whose name is Surprise took over from Lerato. She‟s been throwing words my
way this whole week. Apparently she‟s mad because I‟m friends with the people
that she wants to be friends with. Baba has been angry these past couple of days
so I‟ve been staying away from him. I get my maths test results and my heart
sinks. I failed. He‟s going to kill me.
“Thando please see me after class.” Mrs Green said and I nodded. Class ended
and I went to her.
“Ma‟am.”
“How are you?”
“Okay and you.”
“I‟m fine. I know you‟re disappointed with your results.” I nodded with tears
falling down my face. “It‟s okay baby.” She said pulling me into a hug. “You‟re
new in the school and the syllabus is completely different from the one you were
used to. I can work with you to help you get up to speed with everything.”
“You‟d do that for me?”
“Of course. I‟ve spoken to all your other teachers and they all spoke about how
hard working you are. It was just one test, so don‟t beat yourself up about it.”
“Do you need my parents to sign this?”
“No it‟s fine.” Thank God.
“Thank you Mrs Green.”
“You‟re welcome baby. Let me give you a late slip for your next class.”

“Gorgeous.” He kissed my cheek.

“Hey I didn‟t hear you come in.”
“You have you face in your laptop so I know all your focus is on whatever
you‟re working on.”
“Yeah.” I said softly.
“Want to join me for a jog?”
“Trying to say I‟m fat?” I asked laughing.
“Yhoo never mind.” He walked out leaving me in laughter. He came down
wearing his basketball shorts and running shoes. I couldn‟t help but ogle him.
“Why aren‟t you wearing a top?” He raised his eyebrow.
“Jealous?”
“Nope.” I went back to my work.
“I love you and only you. They can look but they can‟t have this. It all belongs
to you.” I couldn‟t help but smile. See this man and his heart warming
moments.
“I know.” He sighed. “I didn‟t grow up like any other kid you know. I went
through things that shaped the person that I am today and I just don‟t know how
to let go.”
“Baby.”
“I want to open myself up to you but I can‟t. It‟s so so hard.” Tears fell down
my face.
“I‟m here baby, I‟ll wait for you for as long as I have to. I see something in you
Thando even though you can‟t see it in yourself. You‟re so precious and I can‟t
wait for you to discover that about yourself. Don‟t worry I‟ll be here helping
you discover it all.” I burst out into tears. Here‟s a man willing to love me as
cold as I am but I just can‟t let him. I can‟t.
Six

“I love you.”
“I love you.”
“I love you.”
“I love you.”
“God you‟re so beautiful Thando.”
“So worthy.”
“There is only one you and you are enough.”
“I‟m here for you okay.”
“Precious.”
“You deserve happiness even if it isn‟t with me. As long as you‟re happy I‟ll be
at peace.”
“P.S I really do love you.”
I wiped my tears as I read these little notes that Lunga plastered on the mirror.
This man oh this sweet sweet man that God and the universe have put in my
life. Why can‟t I just allow myself to open up to him? Fuck the hand the life has
dealt me. Mrs Mkhize asked me to come in again and I couldn‟t say no so argh.
I went to the bathroom. My stomach felt like it‟s been starved for weeks so I
brushed my teeth and headed to the kitchen to make breakfast. Kodwa Lunga is
the sweetest yaz, I found my breakfast on the counter with a note on top of it
“Feed yourself grumpy before you go all Hulk on yourself. Whatever Mrs
Mkhize says to you just keep an open mind to it okay. I love you and I believe
in you. Enjoy your brekkie.” See the things that he does? I indulge in my bacon
filled breakfast that was prepared with love. I down it with a cup of coffee. I
cleaned up then went to go get ready for my meeting.

I got to Mkhize Holding and went straight to Mrs Mkhize‟s office.

“Hi Sfiso.”
“You should just get a permanent job here because you‟re always here man.”
Laughter.
“Its not my fault that your boss can‟t get enough of me.” I said shrugging my
shoulders leaving him laughing. I knocked and entered after I heard someone
say come in. Shuuu I found Mrs Mkhize sitting on Mr Mkhize‟s lap. I stood
there frozen. Firstly because of the position they‟re sitting in. Secondly because
Mr Mkhize is sex on legs. He‟s got this thing about him that just commands
respect. You can tell that he is sweet like his wife but still.
“Thando hey.” She tried getting off his lap but he held her down.
“I can come back later really. I‟ll just go chill with Lynn.”
“No we have a meeting. Lwandle let me go man.”
“Hello Thando.” He looked at me with a slight smirk on his face.
“Mr Mkhize hi.”
“Do you have a man? Wait don‟t answer that, of course you do.”
“And how do you know that my husband?” Zobuhle asked with amusement
dripping all over her words.
“She‟s a beautiful woman maZulu. She actually reminds me of you when you
were younger.”
“She indeed is beautiful.” Are these people talking about me like I‟m not in the
room?
“So you have a man angithi Thando?”
“Yes sir.”
“Call me Lwandle.”
“Lwandle.”
“So you understand why my wife is on my lap right seeing that you have a
man?”
“I do.”
“Lwandle maan I need to work please I‟ll see you at home.” He laughed as he
got her off his lap. He stood up and pulled her into his arms. They stood as they
gaped at each other. The love that they had for each other was palpable and
perceptible. It moved something in me and I found myself thinking about
Lunga. My man. Sigh. “Laters honey.”
“Laters love.” He kissed her forehead and walked toward the door. I moved a
bit so he could pass.
“Bye Thando.”
“Bye Mr Mkhize.”
“And please give yourself a chance at life your pain does not go unnoticed. God
sees it all and he hears all your cries. All you have to do is just let go.” He
walked out leaving me a bit shaken.
“Lwandle has a deep connection with God. He was just being a messenger.”
“I see.”
“Please sit.” We settled on the couch. “Have you thought about my offer?”
“But I already told you that I can‟t accept the offer.”
“Why?” She said softly and I felt it pulling at my heartstrings.
“I just can‟t.”
“Sometimes people fill our heads with negative thoughts that affect us as we
grow older but we should always try to fight them off because what people say
shouldn‟t define who we are.”
“I hear you.”
“You are more than capable of making this work Thando. You are smart and so
so beautiful.”

“You‟re very beautiful.” Is he talking to me? I looked around and saw that it
was just the two of us on the corridor.
“Thanks.” He was wearing a white blazer so that meant he was in matric.
“So what grade are you in?”
“Grade 9.” I was so over high school already. The bullying followed me
everywhere I went. I just wanted to be done with it all.
“Can I get your number?”
“Why?”
“Because you‟re beautiful.” He thinks I‟m beautiful? Me? He must be lying to
me. This is the first time EVER anyone has ever called me beautiful. I was often
told that I should focus on my books because that‟s all I had going for me. I
looked at him and flashed my teeth.
“Okay.” His name was Thulani and we started dating shortly after I gave him
my number. He was my first boyfriend. The first man to tell me that I was
beautiful, he cared for me. He took care of me and he actually made me feel like
a princess.
“I love you Thando.”
“I love you too Thulani.” I think I did.
“I‟m home alone this weekend so you must come through.”
“Oh.”
“Yes angithi you‟re my girl and we need to spend quality time together.”
“I guess.”
“I can‟t wait baby.”

“Thando where did you just go now.”

“I was just thinking.”
“Okay.” She had a soft look on her face. She actually looked life she wanted to
say something but couldn‟t.
“So is my position available?”
“Thando I believe in you. I know you have it in you to made this a success okay
and I‟m not going to give you a mere position just for the sake of it. I want you
to run the show and I will not give up until you agree.” Why is he doing this?
Why?
“Mrs Mkhize…”
“Go home, talk to someone about this and I‟ll see you in two weeks when you
come give me your answer.”
“What if it‟s still the same?”
“Then I‟ll respect it.”
“Okay.” I said softly.
“If you ever need someone to talk to just call me okay.” I nodded. “You‟re to
precious to be bound by chains that had nothing to do with you.”
“Thank you.”
I left Mkhize Holdings feeling so down. It‟s times like these where I felt the
need for friends but then again that‟s just argh let‟s leave it. I drove home and
headed straight to bed when I got there. I needed to calm my thoughts before
they took over and I did something to shut them down for good. God if you
really do care please just give me peace, that‟s all I ask for.
Seven

“Ahhhhhhhhh.” I moaned as I continued to shove my fingers in and out my

cookie. I‟d started masturbating a few years ago, after I had my „play‟ moments
with Aunt Dora actually. I developed the edge to touch myself and so I did and
I‟ve been doing it almost every day so all these years. I recently started
watching porn because of my boyfriend Thulani. I must admit they made me feel
things that I had never felt and each time after watching them I‟d get the edge to
touch myself. I got ready to go to Thulani‟s house. I was excited to spend time
with him because I knew he‟d tell me that I was beautiful and that made me feel
so good. I got to his place and his friends were there.
“Hi guys.” They all smiled at me.
“Hello T.” Thulani walked up to me and kissed me. I felt so shy.
“Baby must I mix you a drink?” I shook my head.
“No I don‟t drink.” He looked at me shocked.
“Then you have to taste this, it‟s not very alcoholic okay.”
“Okay.” He gave me whatever that was and told me to down it at once. I did
and my throat was burning. He kissed my forehead and told me to relax. He
went over to his friends and they kept on stealing glances at me. One of them
came and sat next to me.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
“I‟m Paul.”
“I‟m Thando.”
“How old are you Thando.”
“I‟m 14.” I nodded.
“And you‟re with a 19 year old?”
“Is there something wrong with it?”
“No just asking.”
“Okay.” Thulani walked to us and held his hand out to me. He led us to his
bedroom. I sat at the edge of the bed feeling so scared. He sat next to me and
kissed me. That was the first time I had ever been kissed by a boy. He pushed
me down on the bed and got on top of me. He took off his top and my heart
started beating fast.
“Relax.” He whispered. He took my top off followed by my jeans and I was left
in my underwear. Someone knocked and he went to go check who it was. They
laughed a bit. He closed the door and came back to bed. He took my underwear
off and I freaked out. He put on a condom and positioned himself at my
entrance. I shook my head. I didn‟t want to do this.
“Please don‟t. I don‟t want this.”
“Relax baby.”
“I don‟t want this.”
“You love me right?” I nodded. “And I love you. People who love each other do
this.” He loves me and so I have to do this for him. If I don‟t he‟ll leave me and
I‟ll be all alone again. Who‟s going to love me? No one. I mean he loves me
even though my own father doesn‟t. He thinks I‟m beautiful, no one else thinks
so. I have to do this.
“Okay.” He leaned down and kissed me as he pushed himself in. I felt the most
excruciating pain and I moved back. He held my waist tightly.
“Don‟t run away from me okay.”
“It‟s sore.”
“It‟ll get better, just relax.” He carried on pushing himself in. I felt tears
burning my eyes. He started moving and it was still painful. He groaned then
pulled out. Is he done? I hope so because I can‟t take that pain. He took the
condom off and wrapped it in a tissue. He came to me and pulled me up then
gave me a kiss.
“I‟m sorry if I made you do something that you didn‟t want to do.” I nodded
with my head buried on his neck. “I love you.”
“It‟s okay and I love you too.” I got dressed then sat on the couch in his room.
He came back with a plate of food and the same drink that he gave me earlier.
We ate and drank in silence. He dropped me off at the taxi rank and I caught a
taxi home. I felt so ashamed. I felt like everyone could see that I was no longer
pure and they were judging me. I got home and went straight to me room and
cried my eyes out.
He holds me from the back and I jump a bit.
“I‟m sorry if I startled you.”
“It‟s okay.” I can feel his erect one against my butt. I threw my head back and
he starts nibbling on my neck. I felt myself getting aroused. He cupped my
breasts and started massaging them. I moaned and he groaned against my neck
sending chills down my spine. He kept pushing himself on my butt as I grinded
on him. He put his hand inside my pants and I froze and pushed him back.
“Shit baby I‟m sorry I just got carried away there I‟m sorry.”
“It‟s okay.” I said as I walked out the kitchen. Lunga knows that I‟m not
comfortable with having sex yet and he agreed to be patient. Yes there have
been moments where things have gotten heated by they have never went that
far. I locked myself in the bathroom and sat on the toilet seat.
“Baby.” He knocked on the door lightly. I couldn‟t respond. My body was
shaking and I was on the verge of tears. “Thando please open for me please.”
“I‟m fine.”
“Okay then please open baby just let me hold you.” I shook my head. I knew
that I would cry if he held me and I couldn‟t allow myself to be that vulnerable.
“I‟ll be out in a minute.” I sat in there for close to an hour before I got myself
together. I walked out and found him sitting on the floor next to the door.
“You‟re going to get sick.”
“I don‟t care I just wanted to make sure that you‟re okay.” My heart sank.
“I‟m sorry.”
“Don‟t be.”
“I want to nap you joining me?”
“Yeah.” We got into bed and he held me from behind.
“My parents are throwing my sister a graduation party tomorrow.”
“I didn‟t know you had siblings.”
“My father‟s kids, we have different mothers.”
“So why is your mother throwing them a party?”
“She‟s being a supportive wife I guess.”
“I see. You never talk about your family.” I shrugged my shoulders.
“There‟s nothing to say.” Really there is nothing to say though.
“What kind of people are you parents?” My body tenses. He pulls me closer.
“They‟re just like people you know.”
“Okay.” I think he senses that I don‟t want to talk about it and I appreciated that
he wasn‟t forcing me to talk about it. “Just know that I‟m here for you. I‟m not
going anywhere.” I nodded as my mind drifted off to tomorrow‟s festivities. My
heart breaks a bit as I picture my father telling everyone how proud he is of his
daughter. “I got you.” Lunga whispered in my ear and I just let my tears silently
fall.
Eight

“Daddy is the best.” “He took me to go see his parent‟s graves.”

“He introduced me to his brother.”
“I went to work with him.”
“I scored 60% on my exam, he told me he was proud of me.”
I chuckled as all these thoughts came running into my mind. All his children
had something positive to say about him except for me. Loathe is the right word.
I loathe the man. Always have and always will. They say a father is a girl‟s first
love before she meets her life ling lover, well mine ruined me for the „lover‟. A
father is supposed to protect and comfort his children. Look at GOD the perfect
father. There‟s a saying that goes something like „girls marry their fathers‟ and
if that‟s the case you can miss me with that shit. I‟m all good on my own. I turn
to look at this man sleeping next to me. I can‟t love him. Actually what is love?
Let‟s start there. I can‟t give him something that I do not know. Something that I
have never felt.

“I love you Thando.” It felt so good hearing someone say that to me. I was lying
on his chest. He convinced me to bunk school and spent the day with him. He
loved me so I jumped at the opportunity.
“I love you too Thulani.”
“I want us to try something different today.”
“What?”
“I want us to have sex without a condom.”
“Thulani I can‟t do that.”
“Come on Thando don‟t you trust me?”
“I do.”
“And you love me right?”
“Of course.”
“Then you‟ll allow me to do this. It‟s going to strengthen our bond you‟ll see.”
“Thulani-“
“I‟ll pull out I swear.”
“Okay.” He sunk himself deep inside my sacred place and groaned as he kept
on huffing and puffing on top of me. He kissed my forehead then pulled me into
his arms.

I shake my head as I snap out of my thoughts. I‟m anxious about today. The
fake conversations and walking around like everything is fine and dandy. Argh.
I stepped out of the bed then headed to the bathroom to go get ready. I had to
get there early to help out. I hate being kind sometimes. I got dressed then
headed to the kitchen to make breakfast. Lunga walked in just as I was finishing
off.
“Morning gorgeous.”
“Hi.”
“You look beautiful.”
“Thank you.”
“Although I don‟t like that your curves are out to play I mean you might just
bump into some guy who would want to take you away from me.” I chuckled as
I shook my head.
“You‟re such silly man.”
“Never.” He walked to me and placed a kiss on my cheek. I held his hand
rubbing it with my thumb before kissing it.
“You have beautiful skin Mr Ntombela.”
“Is it now?” I rolled my eyes and he spanked me.
“Ouch.”
“Oops.” He said walking away with a mischievous smile on his face. We had
breakfast then cleaned up together before I went to go get ready to leave for my
parent‟s house.
“Do I look decent?”
“You look more thank decent baby you look like a goddess.”
“Staaaap.”
“It‟s the truth baby. Now I really wish I could come with just so I can chance
the irritating flies away.” I laughed. Lunga is crazy. I took my bag then left after
kissing him goodbye.
“Thandolwam.” She hugged and kissed me. It took everything in me not to roll
my eyes.
“Hello.”
“You‟re early.”
“Hmmm.”
“Your father went to go fetch your sister.”
“Okay.” I helped set up for the party. People started arriving and I rolled my
eyes when one of my father‟s older brothers arrived. I only saw the man three
times in my life and all those times he irritated me.
“Thando ka bhuti.”
“Hello.”
“You‟re so grown.”
“Right?”
“So manje wena what are you doing with your life?” That question ne. I hate it
with a passion. Like it‟s standard in every black family. There has to be that one
aunt or uncle that will ask you what you‟re doing with your life just so they can
feel better about their children‟s lives. Rolls eyes.
“Lutho yaz malume.”
“You should be like your sister and do something about your life looks she‟s
graduating.”
“Of course.”
“She‟s young and she‟s doing it you know.” She‟s 9 months older than me but
okay. She‟s young and doing it.
“I hear you.”
“Futhi there they are.” I heard my father‟s voice before anything. Shoulders
back and fake smile. Okay let‟s do this. I walked to where everyone was in the
garden. They were all hovering around Ntando and congratulating her. I got to
them and smiled at her.
“Congratulate your sister phela.” I looked at this woman I didn‟t know with a
look that I never thought I could pull off ever again.
“Congrats sis.”
“Thank you sissy.”
“Thando.”
“Baba.”
“Unjani?”
“Sharp wena?”
“Good.”
“Hmmmmm.” The rest of the day rolled along swiftly with me avoiding
everyone.
“Can I have everyone‟s attention please?” My father‟s voice rang in my ears.
“Today is a special day in our family, my baby girl has made us proud by
graduating from varsity and we are beyond proud of her. Nana all those long
nights of studying have paid off. All those parents meetings I attended were not
in vain.”

“Baba today we‟re getting our third term reports you haven‟t forgotten
angithi?”
“Haai Thando you can see ukuthi we‟re busy today we have people coming
over.”
“You don‟t have to sit in at the meeting just grab my report and leave.”
“Haai you‟ll get it when you go to school on Monday.”
“They won‟t give it to me.”
“You‟ll make a plan now go help your mother make the salads.”

I was brought back to life by an eruption of claps and ululating. What just
happened? Ntando jumped on her dad and he caught her and spun her around.
What‟s happening?
“If you work hard nawe he might buy you a car.” A what? Wow! So he bought
her a car for graduating? Hehe. Everyone made their way to the front of the
house and there stood a brand new Mini Copper.
“Keep making us proud nana and who knows you might just get an upgrade.”
He said kissing her cheek. Everyone made their way inside and I used this
chance to take my bag and sneak out. It‟s pretty clear that I‟m not needed la so
let me go. I had packed my car – that I bought for myself outside the yard so I
didn‟t have to disturb anyone. I got home and found Lunga and his friends
watching soccer. I made my way to the bathroom after greeting and got in the
shower still in my clothes and allowed the water to wash my pain away.
Nine

Hello darkness my old friend. Pain has come to take over my soul again. Why
was this life chosen for me? Why did God not love me enough to see me worthy
of a better life? Better people in that life? I‟m shivering because I‟ve been
sitting in this cold water for about thirty minutes and as cold as I am I can‟t
seem to get out. Physical pain is much better than emotional pain. He closes the
water and squats down next to me.
“Can I get you out of here?” He asked softly and I nodded. He pulled me up,
stripped me naked then wrapped a towel around my body and carried me to bed.
He tucked me in and walked out the room. I feel empty, I‟m numb, I‟m in
despair. What‟s the point of living again? He walked in after some time with a
tray in his hands. I stared at him as he put the tray down and moved around the
room. He‟s a very handsome man. His beautiful eyes compliment his smooth
caramel skin tone. His perfectly crafted nose my goodness he has a gorgeous
nose. I have a thing for noses just by the way and his full thick lips that have the
ability to drive me crazy sometime. He took a chair and sat next to the bed then
took the tray and put it on my lap. It‟s spaghetti and mince with a whole lotta
cheese. I chuckled as my eyes landed on the bowl that has extra cheese in it.
“Really?”
“I know how cheese makes you feel better.” I smiled shyly as I dug in. I
moaned in appreciation as I chewed on this creation. There was a hint of heat in
this and that‟s all I care about. He knows how I like my food spicy.
“Thank you.” He nodded and silence fell before us as we enjoyed our meal. We
finished up and he took the dishes to the kitchen. He came back and took a
couple of blankets, okaaaay. He walked back in and took the pillows except the
one I was using. He walked back in and I chuckled. He opened the wardrobe
and took out my pyjamas then pulled me out of bed. He dropped my towel and
dressed me in my pyjamas then carried me to the lounge. He‟s setup a cinema in
here. I see the laptop is connected to the TV and all those blankets he took, he‟s
laid them on the floor. He put me down and covered me with a blanket. I see a
whole lotta junk food here. He pressed play then settled next to me. My
favourite movie – The Lion King.
“I got you.” I smiled and kissed his cheek.
“I see you.”
“I‟m here to take care of you.”

“Thulani I think I‟m pregnant.”

“That‟s impossible.”
“How when you haven‟t been using a condom?”
“So it‟s my fault? Don‟t act like you didn‟t want this nawe.”
“Thulani.” I said in almost a whisper
“Yini heh Thando yini?”
“I said-“
“Ei I heard what you said and if you indeed are pregnant you better take care
of it.” I couldn‟t believe it. He was this guy who promised me heaven on earth
and at the first sign of trouble he‟s a jerk but then again I need to suck it up
right I mean he loves me and I love him and they say love is never easy right? I
spent the whole week stressed out until I was able to get my hand s on a
pregnancy test.

“Let every creature go for broke and sing

Let‟s hear it in the herd and on the wing
It‟s gonna be King Simba‟s finest fling
Oh I just can‟t wait to be king
Oh I just can‟t wait to be king
Oh I just can‟t wait to be king.” Lunga is laughing loudly as I sing my lungs
out. I love this movie and I know each and every sing and cute moments off by
heart.
“You‟re so cute you know that.”
“You think I‟m cute?”
“Yes you are. I can‟t wait to have little Simba‟s with you.” My body goes into
shook. I‟m frozen. Why did he have to mention kids.

“Thulani I‟m pregnant.” I said handing him the test.

“Thando.” He answered angrily like I planned this.
“I‟m sorry.” I said softly.
“Fuck.”
“Thula-“
“Just shut up Thando thula. Kanti why weren‟t you on the pill huh?”
“So it‟s my fault?”
“Take care of it.” I know my parents would kill me but I can‟t do that. I would
never forgive myself. I can‟t. I wiped my tears as I shook my head.
“Please don‟t make me do this.”
“Thando I already have a kid on the way I can‟t afford another one.” Kid?
What does he mean?
“What do you mean?”
“Ei this is what we get for dating children. Just abort that thing please.” He
walked away from me. He hates me. Why would he do this to me? He said he
loved me. He said he saw a future with me. So why is he doing this to me?
Nobody wants me. Nobody loves me. What‟s the point of living huh?

I held my stomach and I got chills down my spine. I cleared my throat and
looked at Lunga.
“I don‟t want children.” I said looking straight into Lunga‟s eyes.
“Why?”
“I just don‟t.”
“Hey hey look at me. It‟s okay you don‟t have to cry. I‟m sorry.” He wiped my
tears then pulled me into his arms. I don‟t want children. I‟m not the motherly
type, that‟s just not me and another thing is I don‟t want to bring a child into
this cruel world. “When you‟re ready to talk to me I‟ll be right here okay.”
“I know and thank you Lunga for being so patient with me.”
“It‟s easy when you love someone.”
“And I don‟t understand why you do.”
“I‟d tell you but you still wouldn‟t believe me so I‟ll let you discover it for
yourself.” I don‟t respond. I don‟t know what to say to that. “How was the
party?”
“It was okay.”
“You want to tell me what happened that had you so down?” How do I say it
without making it sound petty?
“I‟m just tired of being always compared to my sisters.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that I‟m not good enough. I‟m not pretty enough or smart enough. I‟m
just not enough and you‟re also going to see that and you‟re going to leave me
as well.”
“Thando.”
“Are you just toying with me?”
“Thando no baby I love you.”
“No you don‟t.”
“Thando.”
“You‟re also going to leave me. You don‟t love me. Nobody does. I‟m all
alone.” I stood up and ran into the bathroom and locked myself in there.

“Baby girl nobody is gonna love you I mean look at you. Who do you think
would want that?”
“Come on just give me some it‟s not like anyone is ever gonna take you
seriously enough to actually want to pay for it so just give me a taste.”
“You look like you taste so good.”

“Shuut up!!! Just shut up.” He was pounding on the door and shouting for me to
open but I can‟t. My body is heavy and breathing is becoming harder and
harder. I allowed myself to slip away into the darkness right on the bathroom
floor.
Ten

“Did you do it?” He didn‟t even greet me. I nodded as tears fell down my face.
We were at his house. He had convinced me to bunk school. He pulled me in his
arms and held me tightly. “I‟m sorry that you had to go through that Thando
but it had to be done.”
“It didn‟t though.” I said softly.
“But it did Thando. You‟re only fourteen, you have your whole life ahead of you
and I know a kid wasn‟t a part of your plans so early in life. Also I have another
child already on the way and mom wouldn‟t be able to take care of both of
them.”
“So you cheated on me?”
“It was just once Thando and it was a mistake. I was drunk. I‟m sorry baby but
she doesn‟t mean anything to me. You know that you‟re the one for me.” I
nodded. “And I love you okay.” But then why does my heart hurt so bad? Why
does it feel like it has been ripped out of my chest walked on and then placed
back into my body?
“Okay.”
“Good now let me make you feel better.” He kissed me as he carried me to his
room. He laid me down and undressed me while looking deep into my eyes. He
lowered his head and kissed me, his hands were caressing my body.
By the time I left for home my body was in pain. I got home just as dad was
driving in.
“You‟re late today.”
“I had extra lessons.” I ran in and changed out of my uniform then went to the
kitchen to make myself a sandwich. “Hi mama.”
“Hello nana how are you.”
“Fine you?”
“Good.” Dad walked in carrying plastic bags that I wouldn‟t even dare to
touch.
“Baba there‟s this photography course at school that I‟d like to take part in. If I
do well I might get a prize.”
“How much is it?”
“It‟s R1000 for the year.”
“I‟ll see phela I have other things to do.”
“But baba-“
“Yey Thando I said I‟ll see now please wait.” Why is he like this? What did I
ever do to him to make him treat me like this? If I had a child I wouldn‟t treat
them like this. My thoughts went to my child that Thulani forced me to abort just
a few days ago. I walked to the bathroom and took all the pain medication I
could find. I took a glass of water then went to go lock myself in my room. It‟s
not like they‟re going to miss me. I told myself as I downed the pills. Life isn‟t
for you Thando. You don‟t belong here. I could feel myself slipping away and I
smiled as my body got weaker and weaker. Goodbye world. The fourteen years
that I spent here weren‟t worth much anyway.

I woke up inside the blankets with Lunga wrapped around me like a climbing
fig tree. I tried to get out of bed but he pulled me closer.
“Lunga I need to pee.” He let go and I ran to the bathroom. I finished my
business and I caught a glimpse of my reflection. Why do I look like this? Who
are you? I have never had the best looking skin around but this is bad. I have no
idea who I am. What are you living for huh Thando?? What‟s the point of you
just stealing oxygen? Fuuuuuuck man. I vigorously wiped my tears then headed
to the kitchen. A glass of wine? Yes that. I downed it so quickly then headed
back to the bedroom. I got back in the blankets and he pulled me to him. Sigh.
Lunga just needs to find himself someone who can love him fully and how he
deserves to be loved because that person is not me.
“You scared me Thando.”
“Sorry.”
“Please let me in.”
“Lunga.”
“I‟m here for you baby.” We‟re silent until I feel myself slipping.
“Please go get my rubbing stuff.”
“Your body hurts?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. Anything else?”
“No just that, thank you.” He got out of bed and put on his pants.
“I‟ll be right back okay. I love you.” I nodded as I tried to keep my tears in
check.
“Lunga.” He stopped and turned to look at me. “Thank you for everything you
have done for me. For always trying and for never giving up on me. I will
always, always be grateful to you.” He came and placed a kiss on my cheek
then walked out. I got out of bed and went on the hunt for a razor blade. I found
one in the bathroom and I got in the tub and sat there. Worthless. Stupid. Ugly.
Disappointment. With the sharp razor blade I began to dig it into my flesh
creating a fresh wound on my skin. One. Two deep lines. The third one deeper.
Blood oozed out of my wrist but I still kept going. My right hand is strong than
my left so I‟ll focus on just one. I‟m light headed. The blade fell out of my hand
and I tried to get it. I stood up only to feel the room spinning. I tried to get out
of the tub but I missed a step and hit my head on the rail and I felt myself
slowly going down. I hope this time my attempt won‟t be in vain.
Eleven

“Thando vuka.” I opened my eyes and found mom staring at me. “You‟ve been
sleeping phela hau.” I opened my eyes feeling a bit disorientated. I looked
around and I saw the glass that I drank water out of when I shoved down all
those pills. I‟m confused, why am I still alive? So the pills didn‟t work? So I
didn‟t die? God why?? Why would you deny me entry into your kingdom? Don‟t
you say it‟s for all those who want to come? So I wanted to come but you denied
me. “Thando go bath you‟re going to be late.” So all the pills did was knock me
out? Mxm. I bathed and got ready for school.
“Hey baby.”
“Hi Thulani.”
“I‟m not your baby anymore?”
“What do you want??”
“I‟m sorry for being a jerk baby.”
“Hmmm.”
“I‟m just eish.” He rubbed his face in frustration. “I love you Thando so
much.”
“I love you too Thulani but you always hurt me.”
“I‟m sorry baby.”
“If I‟m that much of a kid then why are you with me?”
“I‟m with you because I love you and you‟re not a kid you‟re a woman okay my
woman.”
“Okay.”
“Today si phuma ngo 11 are you coming home with me?”
“Yes.” It‟s not like I had anything waiting for me at home so why not. We left
for his house together with his friends. They bought alcohol along the way, I
guess this was going to turn into a party. We got to his house and he gave me
his tracksuit to change into. The alcohol was flowing and I was kind of bored
because I‟m the only one that doesn‟t drink here.
“Woza.” He said holding is hand out to me. I took it and he led us to his room.
The moment he closed the door he pounced on my lips. The kiss was hurried
and passionate. I could tell that he was going to leave me with a burning
sensation. Within minutes I was naked and he was buried deep inside me.
“Shit baby you get better every time.”
“Ahhh Thu harder.” And at my command he went at it like a possessed man.
He‟s moaning and groaning on top of me.
“Ahhhh baby ahh.” I felt like there‟s someone looking at us. I looked behind
Thulani and his friend was standing there with his dick out. He was busy giving
himself a hand job.
“Thulani get off me your friend is here.”
“Baby I‟m close.”
“Thulani please stop.” I tried pushing him off but he wasn‟t budging. “Thulani
please please stoop.” His friend‟s groans were getting louder. It‟s like he didn‟t
care anymore. He let out a loud growl and then walked out. Thulani released
soon after. I laid there motionless. How could Thulani do this to me? Why
would he not stop when I asked him to? Or is this something him and his friends
do?
“Baby.” I didn‟t want to talk to him. I actually just wanted to go home. “I‟m
sorry.” He left the room and I got out of bed got dressed and went out. He was
talking to his friend n the kitchen so I decided to listen.
“Man that was hot.”
“Dude you made her uncomfortable.”
“I couldn‟t help it braa the way she had her legs wrapped around you dude. Is
her pussy that good?”
“Man her pussy is hot I just can‟t get over it.”
“Now I wanna have a taste.”
“When I finish with her you can try your luck but as long as I‟m still hitting it
nah bra.”
“Shesha uqede nawe phela.”
“Nah I‟m still gonna take my time with her.” They laughed. I can‟t believe this.
So he was just using me? I wiped my tears and ran out all the way to the taxi
rank. I got home and just threw myself on the bed and cried. Is this why you‟re
keeping me alive God? So that I can get used? Why don‟t you love me? Why do
you hate me so much? Wasn‟t I worthy of a life full of love and laugher?
Parents that loved and cared for me? In your eyes was I not worth it? Did I
have to be fat and ugly and lonely at the same time? I hate you. I hate you. Why
would you do this to me if you claim to love me? If your plans are to prosper me
and not to harm me then why am I hurting like this? Huh? I cried myself to
sleep. I guess my gut wrenching sobs weren‟t enough to make then care.

I can hear voices around me. I hear Lunga he‟s talking to someone.
“She‟s just selfish.”
“She‟s hurting.” Who is he talking to?
“If she was hurting she would‟ve mentioned it and anyway who the hell do you
think you are?” I opened my eyes and I was blinded by the light. I tried to move
my left hand but it‟s painful. They all turned to look at me and in this moment
I‟m beyond angry that I didn‟t die.
“Hey take it easy baby. Would you like some water?” I shook my head as fresh
tears made their way down my face.
“Thando.” He said in a commanding voice.
“Baba.” I croaked.
“So your sister graduating got to you so much that you had to pull a stunt like
this just got get attention?” I can‟t believe this man. Who the hell called them
here? WHY ARE THEY HERE?
“Baby.” Lunga says softly and I can‟t help but sob. He pulled me into his
embrace and kissed my forehead. “It‟s okay baby we‟re going to get through
this together. You and me baby.” I nodded my head repeatedly. Why does he
care so much when the people who brought me on this earth don‟t even. “I love
you so much Thando. Please don‟t ever scare me like that again. Seeing you
lying there lifeless I couldn‟t take it baby promise you‟ll never do it again.” I
shake my head. He doesn‟t understand the pain that I have to live with. He
doesn‟t understand how hard it is to even breathe. I can‟t I just can‟t.
“If you want attention ask for it. Stop pulling these stunts.”
“Kahle Mbatha.”
“Haai Sizakele this child is just nxaaa you know what let‟s go.” They walked
out and I just wailed like a little child in Lunga‟s arms. It‟s years later and God
you still hate me? You promised that things would get better but they haven‟t.
I‟m still crying. I‟m still hurting and I‟m still alone. Why did you create me
huh?
“Thando I need you to calm down baby.” The machines are going crazy. “I‟m
sorry baby I‟m so sorry. I shouldn‟t have called them baby.” I feel myself
running out of air. “Thando please fight. Fight for us. For you baby and I
promise I‟ll make it all better please baby just don‟t leave me.” He‟s sobbing. I
can hear the doctor‟s shouting for him to get out. I don‟t want him to do. I
struggle with my breathing until my body finally gives in and I pass out.
Twelve

“Come on man hurry before people come.” I tried fighting them off but they
overpowered me. I kicked and screamed but no one could hear me over the loud
music. I don‟t understand why pain always chooses me. What did I do in my
past life to deserve this? I asked for death and you rejected me. I asked if all you
kept me for was pain and you never answered but this right here just confirmed
that you hate me. He groaned them got off me and his friend took over. Kill me
when you‟re done please. Humiliation. Disgusting. Shame. Yes that‟s me. Are
all these things happening because my parents failed to love me? Is that it? The
sins of a father maybe?
“If you ever tell anyone about this we will kill you.” He‟s done? And just like
that yet another part of me taken. I got up and tried to fix myself as best as I
could. We‟re at the school‟s night party. All the grade 9 students had to come, it
was some sort of moving to the next grade party. The other grades were invited
but it wasn‟t a must. Maybe men can sense that my father doesn‟t give a shit
about me and that‟s why they feel they can just take take and take from me. I
remember how our math teacher came to school once and cupped my vagina.
He said I feel full and that he‟s going to enjoy ravishing me. I still fear being in
the classroom alone with him. I called my mom to come and fetch me. I told her
I wasn‟t feeling well. Walking through the crowd it felt like they could all see
what just happened. I passed by them and they gestured that they would kill me.
Wouldn‟t that just put me out my misery though?? Mom eventually arrived oh
he‟s here too.
“What‟s wrong Thandolwam? Why are you all dusty and why are you crying? I
tried to hold it in but I couldn‟t. I just let it all out. She got in the backseat with
me and tried to comfort me.
“It‟s the alcohol.” He said.
“Are you drunk Thando?” I shook my head.
“Theyy, they...” I couldn‟t get a word out in between my hiccups.
“Don‟t blame other children Thando you decided to drink and the alcohol
didn‟t agree with you.” I shook my head.
“I don‟t think she‟s drunk Mbatha.”
“Of course you don‟t.”The rest of the ride was filled with silence. We got home
and I headed straight to the bathroom. I felt dirty. Disgusting. Piece of shit.
Mom walked in as I was scrubbing my body.
“Did you drink?” I stared at her. No matter what I said it wouldn‟t make a
difference. “You don‟t want to talk that‟s fine. I left you pain killers on your
bed.” She walked out and I allowed my tears to flow. Maybe if I sell my soul to
the devil things will get better. I finished off then headed to bed. The nightmares
were insanely hectic and seeing them at school didn‟t make it any better. I need
the pain to go. I need to numb it. I started cutting myself just to feel a different
kind of pain and I must say it felt really good. The physical pain masked the
emotional pains so well that it became my addiction. Every time the nightmares
would come I would wake up and start cutting. My favourite spot was my thighs
because it wasn‟t exactly visible and there was more space for me to cut. At
least my fat came in handy somewhere.

I‟m staring into space. Honestly I wish I had died. I can‟t believe that he thinks
his child graduating is reason enough for me to lose it. I‟m beyond shocked but
heck why am I still because nothing that man does should shock me anymore.
“Thando.” She said softly. I looked at her then back at the wall. Her name is
Lindsey and she‟s my psychologist. Well they‟re forcing her on me. She came
yesterday and well she got nothing so I don‟t understand why she came back.
“The only way you‟re going to get discharged is if you talk to me Thando. They
need to see that you‟re making progress and that you won‟t try to harm yourself
again.” Who said just because I say a few word to her I won‟t attempt it again?
We spent the hour not saying anything. “I‟ll be back tomorrow Okay.” As she
walked out Lunga walked in carrying a fruit basket. I don‟t know how I feel
about Lunga Yes I want him around me but at the same time I wish he could
just go find someone worthy. I remember the day I met Lunga like it was just
yesterday

"Helloooooooooo". I looked up and saw him standing there looking at me. Oh

snap I must've zoned out again. That happens a lot. I think it's my way of
dealing with everything that's going on.
Dammit I just did it again, only this time I'm staring at this fine specimen
looking at me with a worried look on his face. Konje I haven‟t greeted him
back. I snapped out of my thoughts and took a deep breath. Breathing helps.
“Hi” He's still looking at me with so much concern and intensity. I'm starting to
get uncomfortable I think he sensed that because he immediately smiled at me.
"Are you ok" he asked
"I'm fine thank you"
"You zoned out in the middle of the street" oh shit! That's only happened once,
well twice now. I took in my surrounding I was sitting on a chair at the bus stop.
"You were just standing there looking out of it and I figured something must be
wrong, so I carried you here" I think I sensed a deep concern in his voice.
Naaahhh
"Sorry I don't know what happened there" Shit time! All I remember is leaving
the house.
"What time is it?" I asked anxiously
"It‟s 9:30 am" I jumped on my feet and attempted to walk but he held me.
"Hey what's wrong" now he looked really worried.
"I just have to go, thank you for saving me"
"Hey look I can't just let you go like this, so how about I drop you off wherever
it is you're going" Now usually I'd say no to getting a ride from a stranger but
the way things are set up right now
"Thank you, I'd appreciate that" The ride was quiet but not awkward.
"Thanks for the ride and for saving me"
"It was a pleasure, hopefully I can see you soon" I gave him a small
"Yeah hopefully" I didn‟t wait for him to say anything else. I jumped out and
run into the building.

From then on he forced his way into my life slowly but surely.
“Thando.”
“Hi.”
“How are you?”
“I‟m okay and you.” He shook his head and wiped his tears.
“Please just talk to anyone even if it isn‟t me. Please I‟m begging you.” A sob
escaped lips and he pulled me into his embrace. Talking? Where would I even
begin?
Thirteen

“Growing up I never experienced things that normal kids did. I always had word
thrown at me for being well the way I was. I remember a time where I was so
skinny that a rumour started going around in the neighbourhood that I was born
with HIV and now it‟s having its way with me. I had no idea what that meant
but the fact that even old people would say it and keep their kids away from me
bothered me. So I became a shell. Yes I‟d still play with those kids that wanted
to play with me but I didn‟t fully open myself up to them. And then I gained a
whole lot of weight because I stopped playing in the street and when I started
showing my face again they said the ARV‟s are agreeing with me. It‟s always
been hard for as long as I can remember I‟ve never been at peace. I‟d go outside
and there would be some sort of rumour or whatever around me and I‟d go
home to a angry father. I remember the one time we were playing outside and
one of the kids got a handful of rubbish out of the bin and threw it on my head
as he called me rubbish. I ran home crying expecting to be comforted. Did I get
that comfort? Nope. Instead he chuckled and went back to reading his
newspaper. Mom didn‟t say anything so that was that.”
“The situation with your dad how does it make you feel?”
“I feel nothing.”
“Thando we need to unpack all your emotions in order for us to move on and
heal.”
“I think I‟m done for the day.”
“Thando.” I closed my eyes and faced the opposite direction. I‟ve said enough
for the day. She came in here and said I should open up even if it‟s just a little
bit and so I did now she must leave. “I‟ll see you again tomorrow.” She walked
out and I allowed my tears to flow. My heart was heavy. Why was this my
chosen life? I ask this question everyday and get no answer. Lunga walked in
carrying a plastic. I sat up as I wiped my tears and smiled at him. He‟s the only
that makes sense in my life even though he doesn‟t make sense. I hope that
makes sense. He walked over to the bed and kissed my forehead. Lunga is the
first man I allowed to actually touch me after my last incident. Something about
him just made me feel safe.
“Hello baby.”
“Hi.” I said softly. He took my left hand and kissed my bandage. It had just
been cleaned but you could see the blood coming out.
“How was your session?”
“It was okay.” He sighed.
“Thando.” He said in almost a whisper.
“Yes.”
“You are so beautiful. Inside and out.”
“I-”
“I know the things you‟ve been through are hectic and I understand that opening
up about them is hard but like I always say I do hope that one day you‟ll trust
me enough to let me in.” I nodded as he wiped my tears. All I do is cry all the
damn time I hate it. I hate that I‟m weak. I hate it I hate all of me.
“They all said some horrible things to me. Everyone that I‟ve met. They‟ve all
used me.”
“Baby.”

“Sir you called?”

“Yes follow me.” He walked into the store room and I followed him in. He
locked the door and I freaked out.
“Why did you lock?”
“Just relax.”
“No please open please.” He looked at me and licked his lips. He was undoing
his pants and I panicked. I was screaming and banging on the door.
“You know that the room is soundproofed Thando.” I wiped my tears with my
shaking hand.
“Please don‟t do this.”
“I just want to see baby girl.”
“Please don‟t.” He was stroking his cock and it was dripping at the head.
“Just give me motivation baby.” I shook my head.
“Please just let me go.” He walked closer and I kept backing up until my back
was against the wall. With his other hand he cupped my vagina and gave it a
tight squeeze as a sob escaped my mouth.
“Shit you feel so good.”
“Please don‟t hurt me.” He groaned with his eyes closed and released on the
ground.
“No one will ever believe you.”

“Thando. Baby.”
“Huh?” I looked at him and he looked scared.
“What did he do to you?”
“Huh?”
“You kept on apologising.” I shook my head as my tears kept falling down my
face “We‟ll get through it together baby. I‟m not going anywhere.”
“I‟m scared.”
“You don‟t need to be baby I got you.”
“They all hurt me.”
“I won‟t hurt you Thando I love you. I‟ve loved you since that day I found you
zoned out in the street.”
“I‟m so scared Lunga.”
“Baby.”
“Please let me in.”
“It‟s been so hard Lunga so so hard and I feel like I feel-”
“It‟s okay baby you don‟t have to carry on.” He pulled me into his arms and
allowed me to cry. I didn‟t say much today but I feel a bit of weight has been
lifted off my shoulder.
“Thank you Lunga.”
“I love you.” I nodded as he kept on kissing my forehead telling me that he‟s
got me.
Fourteen

“Thando.” I looked up and I was met by my mother‟s face. Argh why is she
here? She looked at my wrist and sighed. We sat in complete silence for about
thirty minutes before she cleared her throat. I looked at her and she had tears in
her eyes. “What happened Thandolwam?”
“With what?”
“Why did you attempt to take your life?”
“It‟s nothing.”
“You just left the party without saying bye and next thing we get a call from
some guy telling us you‟re in hospital.”
“He shouldn‟t have called you. Sorry.”
“Why did you leave the party?”
“I was tired.”
“Is your father right when he says you were feeling sad because your sister
graduated?” I chuckled while shaking my head.
“Are you even my mother?”
“Of course I‟m your mother Thando.”
“Okay.”
“Now please talk to me.”

“Mama can we talk?”

“Of course.” She wiped her hands and came to join me by the couch. “What‟s
wrong?” My tears fell and I vigorously wiped them. “What happened at netball
practice?”
“They hurt me mama.”
“Who hurt you Thandolwam?”
“They... thhhey... It hurt mama. All of them they-” My father‟s car pulled up
and mom jumped.
“Wipe your tears Thando and go to your room and study okay.”
“Mama.” I shook her head and walked towards the kitchen.
“We‟ll talk okay. Just go study.” I walked to my room, threw myself on the bed
and cried while covering my head with my pillow.

“Is dad my real dad?” Her eyes popped out.

“How could you ask that Thando of course he is.”
“Then why am I always last.”
“Oh Thandolwam. You know you sisters didn‟t grow up with him and so they
need him more.”
“Hmm and you?”
“What about me?”
“Do they also need you more?”
“Thando.”
“It‟s okay. Please go.”
“I‟m not going anywhere you‟re my daughter.” I got out of bed and pulled the
drip out. “What are you doing?” She stood up and tried to touch me but I
pushed her away. “Thando.”
“Go.” I pushed her again.
“Thandolwam.” I pushed her and this time my wrist was hit by the mother of all
pains. I looked at the bandage around it and it was bloody almost to the point of
dripping out.
“Get out. OUT. GET OUT.”
“THANDO.” I kept pushing her towards the door.
“YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND MUST STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM
ME.” I took her bag and threw it out the room. Lunga came in just as I was
about to push her again.
“Heey hey hey what‟s wrong?” He pulled me into his arms and I sank into his
embrace.
“Thando my baby I‟m sorry.”
“Mrs Mbatha I think you should leave.” He picked me up and put me on the bed
then ran out. What did I just do? No no no I disrespected her. I didn‟t mean to.
My tears kept falling as I thought about how I manhandled my own mother.
“Thando.” I looked up and it was the nurse. “I‟m just going to clean you up
okay?” I nodded as she started unwrapping the bandage. She cleaned me up
then wrapped my wound up again and inserted the drip. “I‟m going to have to
change you bedding and your going to have to change your pyjamas.” I nodded.
“Baby.” I looked at him and he gave me a plastic. “It‟s a gown. Just change into
that and I‟ll go get you new pyjamas later okay.” I went to change into my
gown and Lunga insisted that we go sit outside so they can clean my room. We
walk to the hospital „park‟ I say park because this place is beautiful and green. I
could sit here all day. We sat on the bench and he pulled me closer to him.
“Thank you.”
“I keep telling you, you don‟t have to thank me. I do everything that I do for
you because I love you.”
“Well still thank you.”
“And you‟re stubborn as hell.”
“Just like you right?” I said chuckling.
“Hah ahh you‟re worse.”
“Yeah yeah.” We sat in silence for a while just taking in the beauty of nature.
“You want to let me in on what happened with your mom?” My body tensed up
a bit. He kissed my forehead as he rubbed my arms.
“I shouldn‟t have disrespected her.”
“She probably deserved it.”
“Nobody deserves things that they don‟t deserve.”
“That doesn‟t even make sense baby.”
“The word deserve is very strong.” I sighed.

“Thando.”
“Sir. Please don‟t.”
“Just a little dip Thando.”
“Please don‟t please I won‟t tell anyone I swear.”
“When I saw your thick thighs in that little skirt I knew I had to and I hate the
fact that other guys see you running up and down that court.” He pushed me
and I fell and he used his knee to pin me down.
“Please noo please heeeeelp somebody heeelp.”
“The school is empty no one can hear you. Now be still I‟ll be quick.” He
pushed himself in and I felt air leave my body. Again Lord I ask why me?? Is my
purpose on this earth to be a dish for all these vultures?? I don‟t understand
why this is my portion. Just let me die. Please take me. “Shit that was good. You
deserve so much more Thando.” Deserve. I deserve.

“I lost you for a second there didn‟t I baby?” I looked up at him and he looked
worried. I gave him a small smile and kissed his cheek.
“I‟m okay.”
“I just want you to be happy Thando.”
“I know.”
“I‟ll never hurt you.” I nodded as I rested my head back on his shoulder. Will I
ever get to a place where I can say I‟m happy?????
Fifteen

“Thando.”
“Baba.”
“Which subjects are you choosing for next year?”
“I‟m not sure.”
“I want you to pick Accounting.” Me? Accounting?
“But I don‟t like accounting baba.”
“So?”
“So I can‟t do something I don‟t like.”
“You can and you will.”
“Hmmm.” I wasn‟t going to do something that I had no interest in. It was
almost December and schools were about to close so we had to pick our
subjects for next year. I chose Science but didn‟t tell him. I‟ll tell him that
Accounting was packed so I had to choose something else. December came and
went and grade 10 was calling my name. Thulani was done with school and I
couldn‟t be happier but I still had to deal with sir and those guys.
“Ahhh.” I pinched my nipple as I squeezed my thighs together. My need to
release grew each time a man took something from me. I hated the fact that I
had these desires because I hated what had been done to me. I was molested
and raped. I hate myself. I‟m disgusted by myself but I still have the urge to
touch myself.
“Thando are you ready?”
“Yeah.” I walked out and found them having breakfast. “Hello.” He looked at
me and nodded.
“Sit and eat.”
“Nah I don‟t want to be late.” I walked out and headed to school. This year
better be kind to me.

“Hey baby.”
“Hi.” I was sitting at my new found favourite place – The hospital park. I found
peace in this place. I have always loved nature and being close to it moved
things in me.
“How are you?”
“I‟m okay and you?”
“I‟m good.” He took my left hand and placed a kiss on my bandage. “You‟re
healing. The doctor says that you can go home tomorrow.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“That‟s great. I‟m tired of this salt less food.” He chuckled.
“You should‟ve told me to bring you nice things instead of fruits.” I laughed.
“Nah I didn‟t want to be that patient you know.”
“I hear you. So this was before I knew you were going home tomorrow.” I
raised an eyebrow.
“What?”
“I had asked for a pass just a couple of hours.”
“Oh yeah? Where are we going?”
“You‟ll see.”
“Do we go now?”
“Yes please.”
“Okay.” We walked up to my room and I took a quick bath and got dressed. The
nurse changed my bandage and we were off. I wonder what Lunga had in store
for us.

I chuckled as we parked at the parking lot and now we‟re walking in and I have
the biggest smile on my face. We were at Gold Reef City. I have never been
here and I was so excited. I‟ve heard my sisters talk about it and I‟d always
wonder what it was like. I was supposed to come here for my grade 7 farewell
but my father denied me the chance to.
“So?” He asked as he put his arm over my shoulders.
“I love the surprise. Thank you.” I kissed his palm and put my hand around his
waist. Apparently the doctor said I couldn‟t go on any rides where I had to hold
on for dear life and that was fine with me. I was just happy to be in this space.
“Where do you want to start?”
“Anywhere really.” I said shrugging my shoulders.
“Errr let‟s see.” He looked around then smiled as he pulled me. “The lazy boat.”
“Is it that lazy?”
“Yes and you‟re going to love it.” And boy was he right. I enjoyed the ride so
much so that we lazed around there four times.
“What‟s next?” I asked excitedly.
“Ferris wheel?”
“Does it hang up there for long?”
“Not really, just long enough for you to take it the majestic view of the city.”
View? I love views.
“Ok let‟s.” The view from above was heavenly. There was nothing like it. I felt
like I could do anything. Like nothing could touch me. I felt him looking at me
so I turned to look.
“You have the most beautiful smile I‟ve ever seen on anyone.” I couldn‟t help
but blush.
“Thank you.”
“And your eyes are sparkling right now.”
“Are they?”
“Yes they are.” He leaned closer and took my lip in his. I got so lost in his kiss
that I didn‟t even feel him pull me onto his lap. He pulled back and gazed at me.
I felt naked. I couldn‟t take it anymore so I looked away. “Don‟t run from me
baby.”
“Haai Lunga.”
“You‟re very beautiful muntu wami.”
“Lunga.” I whined as I nuzzled my face on his neck.
“I‟m serious.”
“Thank you.” The ride came to a halt and we got off. He suggested that we go
watch those 15 minute 4D movie and to say I freaked out throughout would be
putting it lightly. I walked out of there feeling so out of it that he carried me.
Yep me and my big ass we‟re carried all the way to a restaurant. Everyone
thought it was cute but I was beyond scared like what if he dropped me?
“So what are you eating?”
“Order for me.”
“Anything?”
“Yeah.” I shouldn‟t have said that because he ordered the whole menu. Ribs,
wings, burgers, my goodness I was shocked.
“Milkshake?”
“Double thick.” The waitress looked baffled and I don‟t blame her because the
order just crazy.
“You are enjoying yourself so far?”
“I am thank you baby.” He pulled a face then took my hand and kissed it.
“What?”
“You called me baby.”
“Oh.” I did, didn‟t I?
“You‟ve just made my day. My week. Heck I think my ancestors can call me
home now.” I chortled.
“So stupid.”
“Only for you baby. All for you.” I feel something right now I that haven‟t felt
in a very very long time and it felt so damn good. I want it to last.
Sixteen

“You good?” I looked at him and smiled.

“Yeah.” We were on our way home and I was happy because the hospital was a
very depressing place. Staring at the walls and talking to myself was well yeah
it was what it was. My wrist was still not entirely functional but I could close
my hand without feeling too much pain.
“I cooked.” I looked at him and smiled.
“Oh yeah?” He was probably the best cook I‟ve ever came across but I wouldn‟t
dare tell him that. He insisted on carrying me into the house. I think he forgets
that I‟m a big girl sometimes but I must admit I do admire how he handled me
like I had zero weight whatsoever.
“Are you okay?”
“I‟m fine.” We walked in and he put me down on the couch.
“Put your feet up and relax ne.” I chuckled as I shook my head.
“Yes sir.” He disappeared into the kitchen and I heaved a sigh. We had never
really touched on how he found me and how he felt and I think we needed to
address it because well we were back in the space where it all happened. My
phone rang and it was my sister.
“Hello Ntando.”
“Hi Thando unjani?”
“I‟m okay and you?”
“I‟m fine.” Silence. She called me so she should say what she wants to say then
hang up. “Dad told me you are in hospital.”
“Yeah.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah I‟m fine.” Honestly I never had a relationship with my sisters. I think I
resented them for taking all of dad‟s love and leaving none for me. I know it
wasn‟t their fault but still I couldn‟t help but feel that way.
“Can we come see you?”
“We?”
“Thembeka, Thozama and I.” How he thought of all our names I don‟t know.
“Oh.”
“Please Thando.”
“I just got out of hospital so-“
“We‟ll come see you at home.”
“I don‟t know.”
“Thando please.”
“I‟ll let you know.”
“Okay.”
“Bye.” I hung up before she could protest. I don‟t know how to feel about that. I
mean I doubt their father would allow them to actually come see me.

“Thandolwam.”
“Mama.” She sighed.
“I have something to tell you.”
“Okay.”
“You have sisters.” I laughed. How because I was the only child? Unless she
was pregnant again.
“How?”
“Well the thing is.” She paused and sighed.
“I‟m not a child so just tell me.”
“Your father has children outside our marriage.” My eyes popped out.
“What?” I said softly. He cheated on mom? But why? How?
“Yes.” She paused again and cleared her throat. “You have three sisters.”
“Oh? All from the same mother?” She shook her head and wiped a small tear
that escaped her eye. “Three mother‟s?” She nodded. He cheated three times.
Wow. I was speechless. I couldn‟t believe that, that cold man has children out
there. Does he treat them the same way he treats me? I wondered. “How old
are they?”
“One is the same age as you, well nine months older than you. Her name is
Ntando. Thembeka is two years older than you and Thozama is a year younger
than you.” I was dumbfounded. We were all practically the same age.
“Why didn‟t you leave him?” She smiled at me as she stood up.
“You‟ll understand one day when you‟re married.” I shook my head.
“When do I get to meet them?” She gave me a faint smile.
“Your father doesn‟t think that the time is right for you to meet them yet.”
“I see. Do they know each other?”
“Yes.” She said softly.
“And you? Do you know them?”
“Yes.”
“Okay.” I stood up and walked towards my room.
“Thandolwam.”
“It‟s okay mama.” Why does he hate me so much?

Lunga walked in carrying a tray and I couldn‟t help the smile that crept onto my
face. He sat the tray on the table and pulled it towards the couch then settled
next to me.
“I made samp and oxtail.”
“It looks so so yum.”He blessed the food then handed me my plate. I took a bite
and my mouth just exploded. “This is so good.” He patted his shoulder and dug
into his plate. We ate in silence with him stealing glances at me. We finished
eating then did the dishes together also in silence. I enjoyed our quiet moments
maybe it was because I spent most of my time mute that I ended up enjoying the
silence.
“Lunga.” He looked at me. We were now settled on the couch watching TV.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Yeah.” I drew a deep breath and released it before asking him.
“How did you feel when you found me you know.” He closed his eyes and
rubbed his face. I felt his body tense and his breathing was hard and I could see
he was struggling to keep it together. In that moment I felt like shit because all
my life things were done to me that crushed me. Things that killed all of me and
I vowed never to make the next person feel that way but here I was making
Lunga feel a certain way. Everything I touched turned to ash. Here was a good
man doing all that he could to make me better about life and I keep pushing him
away.
“I died a thousand deaths baby. The blood and you weren‟t breathing, I just lost
it but I had to act quickly and I‟m glad I did because you‟re still here with me.”
“Why do you love me?”
“Thando.”
“My own parents couldn‟t love me. They allowed every bad thing to happen to
me. They watched me fade away and they didn‟t do anything. I was fucken ra...
They just yeah so I don‟t get how you could.” He pulled me into his arm and
kissed my forehead.
“What happened to you Thando?”

“New Year new you huh Thando.” I cringed as he got closer to me.
“Sir.”
“The holidays were good to you because your look fresher than you were last
year.”
“I didn‟t tell anyone I swear.”
“Good. We have another year to enjoy each other‟s company.” He licked my
cheek and walked away. Maybe if I asked mom she‟d let me change schools. I
got home and they were sitting together.
“I want to change schools.” They looked at me like I suddenly grew horns.
“Why.” I shrugged my shoulders
“I don‟t enjoy that school anymore. I‟m just not comfortable.”
“That‟s not a good enough reason to change schools.” Baba said. I kneeled
next to him and begged him but he wouldn‟t barge.
“Baba please.”
“Just because you broke up with your boyfriend you want to change schools? If
you can afford to pay for yourself then you can go ahead but until then you‟re
going to stay right where you are.”
“Whatever it is Thando we‟ll get through it together. You and I. I love you baby
and I‟m not going anywhere.” I nodded as I rested my head on his chest. I hated
that I‟m a prisoner in my own body. I BLOODY HATED IT.
Seventeen

“Morning.” He greeted circling his arms around my chubby waist.

“Hi.”
“How are you?”
“I‟m okay and you?”
“I‟m good.” He placed a kiss on my neck and rested his chin on my shoulder.
“Aren‟t you going to work?”
“I have a client meeting at 12 so technically no.” I chuckled.
“Hmmmm.”
“So have you thought about Zobuhle‟s offer?” I sighed. I have and I still think
argh.
“I haven‟t healed.”
“But you‟re healing faster than the doctors thought you would even.”
“I‟ll see.”
“Take a chance on yourself baby.”
“Okay.” He kissed my cheek and pulled me closer. My head was rested on his
chest and I could hear his heart beating.
“I need to go get ready for my meeting ne.” I nodded. “Then I‟m all yours.”
“Okay.” He let go and went to go get ready as I made cereal for myself. What if
Mrs Mkhize takes this chance on me and I fail?
“I‟m out.”
“Oh bye.”
“I love you I‟ll see you later.” He pecked my lips and headed out. Sigh. This
man. I ask myself everyday what he sees in me and I doubt I‟ll ever be satisfied
with his answer.

“Hey I‟m Jason.” I looked at him and chuckled.

“Hello black Jason.” He laughed revealing his cute smile.”
“My parents were lazy nje. So what‟s your name beautiful?” I looked at him
and shrugged. “Please.”
“Thando.”
“Nice to meet you Thando. So I‟m new in the school and I was hoping if you
could show me around?”
“Yeah sure.”
“Great.” He smiled and moved back to his table.
“Thando.” I looked up and it was sir.
“Sir.”
“See me after class.” My heart started pounding out my chest. Not again
please. I stayed behind after class. He was looking at me with a look I could not
understand.
“Sir.”
“What was that boy saying to you?”
“He was just greeting.” He stepped closer to me and grabbed my arms. His
eyes looked like the devils. This wasn‟t the same man I was talking to a second
ago.
“You better tell him to stay away from you Thando or else hmmk.” I nodded so
fast that I felt a headache approach. “Good girl. I need to have you again. I
can‟t get enough you just leave me so satisfied.”

My phone rang snapping me out of my thoughts.

“Hello.”
“Thandolwam.”
“Ma.” I heard her sniff.
“Can we talk?”
“Ngani?”
“Please.”
“Okay.” I owed her that much right? I was still feeling bad over putting my
hands on her. No matter how angry I was, I just shouldn‟t have.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes.”
“Your sister told me you were out. Can I come see you?”
“Sure.”
“Please give me your address.” I laughed. I laughed so hard that it caused me to
burst out into tears. “Thandolwam, what‟s wrong my baby.” What‟s wrong?
What‟s wrong? I hung up and got up as I vigorously wiped my tears.
“Heey hey baby.” He pulled me into his arms and sat me down. I looked at him
in confusion and he looked terrified.
“What happened?” I asked getting emotional.
“You zoned out.”
“Huh?” I had no idea what happened. “I was just on the phone with my
mother.”
“And then you zoned out.”
“What do you mean?” I asked faintly.
“You trashed the kitchen.” I stood up and walked to the kitchen and the sight
that befell my eyes terrified me. What did I do? How? Broken dishes on the
floor. The microwave was totally done for. What did I do? My tears dropped
and I couldn‟t catch them in time. “Hey it‟s okay.” He said pulling me into his
arms. “Everything is replaceable.”
“I‟m sorry.” I said softly.
“We‟ll fix it.”
“I think I should move out.”
“You‟re doing no such thing. This is why I forced you to move in with me.”
“I‟m sorry.” I said pulling myself out of his embrace. “I‟m sorry Lunga.”

“Sir I‟m sorry please don‟t.” Once again he was inside me. Huffing and puffing
on top of me. No matter how much I apologized he just wouldn‟t stop.
“Look Thando look at me.” He put his fingers under my chin forcing me to look
at him. “We‟ll fix it. All of it. The kitchen. I‟ll get someone to fix it tomorrow
okay.” I nodded.

“Thando.”
“Baba.”
“Please make me tea.”
“Okay.” I limped to the kitchen. Mom walked in startling me causing me to
break the cup. “No no no.” I picked up the pieces trying to put them together.
“What happened?” His voice roared in the kitchen.
“I‟m sorry.” I said.
“Useless yazi. Even the simplest task you can‟t do. Nxaaaa.”
“I‟m sorry baba. I‟m sorry.”

“Baby I need you to breathe. Thando calm down baby.” I got my breathing in
control and looked at him. “Thando you need to see someone. I‟m begging
you.” I nodded as I got up and walked to the bedroom. I got inside the blankets
and closed my eyes and just allowed my body to slip away.
Eighteen

“Thando baby please wake up.”

“Hmmm.”
“Vuka baby. We need to get going.”
“Hmm.”
“Must I bathe you?” I opened my eyes then got out of bed as I stretched my
body.
“I‟ll be fine.”
“Okay hurry our appointment is in an hour.” I nodded as I dashed to the
bathroom to grab a quick shower. We had an appointment with the doctor
because I hadn‟t been feeling well over the past couple of days. Lunga suspects
that fever is having its way with me. I don‟t know but whatever it was I needed
it out of my body fast. I spent the last couple of nights shivering and crying
because my body hurt that much. I finished up then got dressed and headed to
the kitchen.
“Hi.”
“Hey. You want something to eat?” I shook my head. I was weak but food was
something that I just couldn‟t stomach anything.
“I‟ll be good.”
“Okay let‟s go.” So true to his word Lunga had the kitchen fixed the very next
day. New plates and all. Sigh. I wish there was something I could do about these
blackouts. We left heading to the doctor and we made it just in time.
“Hello.”
“Hi doc.” I let Lunga take the lead on this one.
“So what seems to be the problem?” Lunga looked at me and smiled.
“She has no appetite, she spends most of her nights shivering, there‟s vomiting
here and her body is in pain.”
“Hmmm can we rule out pregnancy?” She looked at me and I just gave her a
blank stare.
“You‟re pregnant.” My heart sank. Again?
“I don‟t want it.” The nurse looked at me and sighed.
“Are you sure?” I nodded. “What about the father?” I shook my head. “Well
we don‟t do abortions here so you‟ll have to go to the hospital.” I nodded
before thanking her and walking home. I couldn‟t keep this child and I sure as
hell wasn‟t going to tell sir about it. Safe abortion. Call this number. I saw the
flyer and I immediately took down the number. She said it was R200 and I had
that so I made my way to town to have a back street abortion. I couldn‟t go to
the hospital because I was too scared and too embarrassed.

“No no pregnancy.” I said looking at her. She smiled then asked me to settle on
the bed.
“I need you to rest and drink plenty of fluids. I‟m going to give you some
acetaminophen if the fever doesn‟t respond to the medication after three days
please come back.”
“We definitely will. Thanks doc.” We left the doctor‟s office and I was still
feeling under. Well not that I expected to be healed miraculously. My phone
rang and it was an unsaved number.
“Hello.”
“Hi Thando.”
“Hiiii…” I said unsure of who was on the other end of the line.
“It‟s Thembeka.” I heaved a sigh.
“Oh.”
“I‟d like to see you please.”
“I don‟t know if that‟s possible.”
“Please Thando. I know we‟re not that close kodwa I care about you. You‟re my
sister.” Like I said I never had I relationship with them and I don‟t think we‟re
about to form one now. I cleared my throat.
“I‟ll let you know.”
“Even if it‟s in a public space sis.”
“Yeah uhm I‟ll let you know.” She sighed.
“Okay. Bye baby girl.”

“Why do you look flushed?” I just came from the back street clinic.
“I‟m just tired.”
“Okay. So your sisters know about you now and-“
“They didn‟t know?” I shook her head. “Hmmm excuse me I have to go lie
down.”
“Thandolwam.”
“Mama please I‟m tired can I go sleep?”
“Okay. We‟ll talk later.”
“I doubt it.”

“Baby.”
“Hmmm.”
“Soup?” I looked out and we were parked at a shopping centre.
“Yes please.”
“Okay. I‟m just going to get ingredients are you coming with?” I shook my
head.
“I need to lie down. Let me jump to the backseat.” I got into the backseat and
shut my eyes. My body was in so much pain.

“Thando vuka.” I opened my eyes and found mom looking at me. “You‟re
bleeding.” I looked down and there was so much blood. I panicked because I
knew it had everything to do with what I did today.
“I‟ll clean up.”
“Why are your periods so hectic?” I shrugged.
“My first day is always crazy.” She nodded then walked out.

I felt someone shake me and I opened my eyes.

“We‟re home. I‟d carry you but I know how sensitive your body is right now.” I
nodded and got out of the car.
“I‟m just going to lie down.”
“Please have a muffin nyana then drink your pills.”
“Okay.”
“Who was on the phone earlier?”
“My sister.”
“She wanted to meet?”
“Yeah.” He sighed and nodded.
“I‟ll go with you.” I shook my head. “Okay I understand.”
“Thank you.” I didn‟t want to feel anymore. If I could I would switch my
emotions off and be a walking zombie.
Nineteen

“Heavenly Father I don‟t know what to do anymore. I‟m trying so hard Lord, so
so hard to remain strong for her but I know I can‟t do it on my own. I need your
strength to help me help her fight Baba. I know that you have chosen me for her
and I step up to that Lord but I just don‟t know what to do anymore. I‟m trying
but she just won‟t let me in. I need you help now more than ever. God I love her
so much and all I want is for her to be happy. That‟s all even if I was just meant
to be in her life for a season its fine but as long as she‟s happy then I‟ll be
happy. Just heal her Lord. Help her get over her past pains. Just help her please
before I go Father please.” I allowed my tears to fall silently.
I had been awake for the past few hours and I think he thought I was sleeping
because he just kneeled beside the bed and started praying. I knew that my
issues were affecting him but I didn‟t think it was this hectic. I don‟t know what
to do. He said he loves me and I felt it but I just couldn‟t allow myself to let him
in that way. He hadn‟t been going to work and I felt so bad because I knew he
was scared to leave me alone. God if you‟re listening I‟m ready to leave now.
Please take me. I can‟t keep on hurting him like this. Please. He got back into
bed and pulled me into his arms. I pretended to still be asleep because I didn‟t
want him to know that I was awake.
“I love you so much Thando and I pray that you get the help you need while I‟m
still around.” While he‟s still around? What did he mean by that? He started
sobbing and my heart broke. I opened my eyes and turned around to face him.
“What‟s wrong?” I asked softly. He put his head on my breast and sobbed. I
kept brushing his head whispering in his ear that everything is going to be okay.
His sobs subsided eventually.
“Thando.”
“Lunga.”
“I might not always be here to take care of you so I need you to get better.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that you just have to get better baby.”
“Lunga you‟re scaring me.”
“Don‟t be scared baby. I‟ll always be here even when I‟m not here.”
“Lunga.” I said faintly.
“I love you Thando. I‟ve figured you have an issue with hearing those three
words and I have accepted it but that will not stop me from saying them. I need
you to hear them and feel their meaning. One day someone is going to come
along and utter those words to you and I need you to be able to tell if they‟re
genuine or not.”
“Why does it sound like you‟re planning on leaving?”
“I would never leave you willingly baby. Can‟t you tell that I love you? I love
you too much to just up and leave you.”
“You‟re going to leave me.”
“Thando.”
“They all left why wouldn‟t you?
“THANDO.”
“I‟m not worthy of being loved that‟s why they took advantage of me.”
“Baby.”
“You‟ve been lying to me. You don‟t love me.”
“Baby listen I need you to calm down.” I pushed him off of me and ran to the
bathroom, and locked myself in there. They all claimed to love me but they left
me.

“Hey Thando.”
“Hey black Jason.” He chuckled and kissed my cheek. We had become really
close over the months and I really appreciated his friendship. Sir hated it but he
made me feel normal and I loved it.
“I‟m so going to miss hearing you calling me that.”
“What do you mean?” He took my hands in his and kissed them.
“I have to go.” I shook my head.
“What do you mean?”
“I love you so much Thando.”
“I love you too black Jason you‟re my best friend.”
“My parents are moving so I have to move.”
“But you just got here.”
“I know and I don‟t want to leave but I don‟t have a choice Thando.” My tears
fell. He promised. He said he‟d never leave me.
“You promised me.”
“I know Thando.”
“You‟re leaving me. Now he‟s going to hurt me even more.”
“Who Thando? What are you talking about?” I roughly pulled my hands out of
his and walked away as my tears cascaded down my face. My only friend. The
only person who had my back is leaving me. “Khuluma nami Thando.”
“You‟re leaving so what‟s the point?”

“AND NOW YOU WANT TO LEAVE ME AS WELL.” I yelled as I paced up

and down the bathroom.
“Thando please baby open the door so we can talk about this.” He said as he
softly knocked on the door.
I should‟ve known. Stupid. Stupid Thando. Why would you believe that anyone
would stick around? Your father hated you. Still does. That‟s why they all left.
“You want to go Lunga? Hambaaa go because you‟re all the same. PIECES OF
SHITS. GO!! Fucken Go!! You hear me GO.” I looked myself in the mirror and
burst out in laughter. Look at you. You little fat ugly duckling. Who would stick
around for this??
“THANDO OPEN THIS FUCKEN DOOR BEFORE I BREAK IT DOWN
NOW.” I continued laughing. “Thando baby okay I‟m sorry for shouting. Baby
just open for me then I‟ll explain what I meant.”
“You won‟t leave me?” I asked softly.
“Never baby I love you.”
“Okay.” I opened the door and he pulled me into his arms the second he was
able to push the door open.
“I‟m sorry baby. I‟m so sorry.” Something happened and I just burst into tears.
“Let it all out baby.”
“You want to leave me.” I said between my sobs.
“Never baby never I love you.” I love you.
I love you he kept on whispering in my ear as I cried on his shoulder.
“You are chosen and you are loved. He will restore you. Everything that is
broken he will put together baby you need to believe that.” What he said went in
one ear and came out the other. I was still stuck on the fact that he said he might
not always be here to take care of me. I needed to know what he meant by that. I
needed to know if I needed to prepare to be on my own again. I know I didn‟t
want him at first but I got used to his presence so much so that I think I
wouldn‟t be able to continue if he wasn‟t here.
“What did you mean by what you said?” We were sitting on the carpet with me
in between his legs.
“I just meant that nothing in life is certain baby.”
“Are you planning on leaving me?”
“Never baby.”
“Then why did you say that.”
“I‟m older than you baby. I‟m going to probably die before you.”
“You can‟t die.” I said softly as tears made their way down my face.
“But that‟s the only thing we can be sure of in this life Thando.”
“Well if you die then I‟m going with you.”
“Let‟s make a deal.”
“Hmmm.”
“If you open up to me just a little bit, it doesn‟t have to be the most intense
thing ever just something small then I‟ll bargain with God to add a few more
months to my life span.” I thought about it for a few minutes. I mean can God
really do that? Then again I‟ve seen Lunga‟s relationship with God and I think
he might listen to him.
“Okay.”
“Great then when you‟re ready.” I took a deep breath and I held it in longer than
I probably should have.”
“No judging?”
“Never baby.”
“I had a friend in high school and his name was black Jason.” I chuckled. “Okay
his name was Jason but I called him black Jason because well he had a white
name but he was black. We clicked immediately and I enjoyed his company so
much that I kind of felt free when I was around him. Everything that I was
going through seemed far away when I was in his company. He made me laugh
and smile and he genuinely made me feel cared for. Six months into the year he
told me that he was leaving just like you just said you‟re going to leave me. He
left me. All alone. I had no one. Nothing. I was lost and now you want to do the
same to me. You want to leave me. He said he loved me but he left. Just like
you say you love me but you‟re going to leave. Everyone leaves me. I had to
leave Sli behind and I had no one thereafter. Black Jason came into my life and
made me feel better then he left and now you‟re going to leave me as well. Why
would you do that to me?” The last part came out as a whisper.
“I‟m not going to leave you Thando.”
“Then WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY WHAT YOU SAID?”
“Please don‟t shout.”
“You want to hurt me Lunga. AFTER YOU PROMISED. YOU PROMISED.
You promised.”
“God works in ways we don‟t always understand or agree with.”
“God?” I snickered. “DO NOT TELL ME ABOUT GOD. Where was he when I
needed him?? Huh? When everything that had balls shoved their dick inside of
me? WHERE THE FUCK WAS HE? WHEN I CRIED OUT TO HIM WHEN I
WAS IN A DARK ROOM WITH HIM HOVERING OVER ME? WHERE
THE FUCK WAS YOUR GOD WHEN I HAD TO NURSE MYSELF BACK
TO HEALTH? WHEN I HAD TO FUCKEN SELL MYSELF TO GET
THROUGH SCHOOL? WHEN THE PEOPLE WHO BROUGHT ME INTO
THIS WORLD SPAT ON ME HUH? WHERE WAS HE? WHEN I SLOWLY
DIED? WHEN I HAD TO WATCH EVERYONE ELSE AROUND ME
OVERFLOW IN HAPINESS WHILE I JUST GOT CRUMBS? So don‟t tell
me shit.” My body was shaking and my wrist was painful. Lunga had me in his
arms and he was praying. I looked around the room and the mirror was
shattered. The bedside lamps where on the floor and some of our clothes were
also on the floor. I did it again? I blacked out again?
“Baby.”
“I‟m a danger to people. Please kill me.”
“You‟ll be fine baby. I‟ve got you. Thank you for letting me in. I swear you‟re
going to be happy again. I love you Thando. I‟m sorry I wasn‟t there to protect
you but I‟m here now baby I got you
Twenty

“Thando.” She looked up and smiled at me.

“Hi ma‟am.”
“Sit.” I sat and put her pen down then heaved a sigh. “I‟m worried about you.”
I continued to look at her. “Your preliminary exam results are very
disappointing Thando.” I looked down and blinked away the tears that formed
in my eyes. Yes I had failed my prelims. The last half of my grade 10 year was
horrible with sir having his way with me and me having no one to make me
forget like black Jason used to then the New Year came and I was in grade 11.
Things at home were still the same. Sir was finally exposed. Apparently I wasn‟t
the only one who he had his way with. One girl came forward and that‟s how
the investigation started. All in all fifteen girls came forward except for me.
They weren‟t going to believe me he said it himself. I was tall dark and fat. All
the other girls were petite o why would they believe me? So I weren‟t through
grade 11 floating. I barely made it to matric I literally made it through by
chance. So here I am now failing.
“I know.”
“You have so much potential. I can tell you‟re going through some things but
you don‟t have to carry then by yourself. You know we have a therapist here
that you can talk to. “
“I‟m fine.” She sighed heavily.
“Okay but you need to work hard okay? You need to put in more work baby.”
“Yes ma‟am. May I be excused?”
“Okay.”

I was wide awake in Lunga‟s arms. I couldn‟t sleep after I messed up our room.
The only to stop this was through death. He cleaned up around the room while I
watched TV. “You have to take it easy your wrist needs to heal.” He said as he
cleaned up. He said he‟s leaving. That was the only thing that was still on my
mind. How could he do that to me? Then again like I said they all leave.
“Hey baby.”
“Hi.”
“Did you get some rest?” I nodded. “Why are you lying to me?
“I did.”
“Hmmm.”
“When are you going back to work?”
“I took an indefinite leave you?”
“Now why would you do that?”
“Because I want to take care of you now when are you going back to work?”
“Are you tired of me?” He turned me around and looked deep into my eyes.
“Never baby. I‟d never get tired of you.”
“Okay.”
“Please think about Zobuhle‟s offer. You‟re great at what you do baby.”
“What if I fail?”
“You‟d never.”
“I‟ve failed before, so many times and the things they said to me.”
“We‟ll I‟m here now and you know I would never utter nonsense to you my
baby.”
“I‟m scared Lunga.”
“I‟ve got you okay?”
“Okay.”
“Good.” He kissed my nose. “Now what are we doing today?” I shrugged.
“Would you like to go catch a movie?” I smiled.
“Can we hire movies and chill in the house instead?”
“Anything you want baby.”
“Animated movies only please?”
“Why?”
“Because I never got to watch a lot of cartoons growing up and when I did I
didn‟t enjoy them much because my father was yeah.” I got out of bed and
headed to the bathroom. I washed my face, brushed my teeth then went to go
make food. He walked in as I was taking the mugs out of the cupboard.
“Can I have coffee please?” I nodded then continued making food. “One
question baby.”
“Yeah.”
“How‟s your relationship with your parents?” I paused for a bit then carried on
with what I was doing. I don‟t like talking about that part of my life.
“I don‟t have one.”
“I see.”
“And you?”
“My parents passed away when I was young.” My heart sank. I wiped my hand
then went to where he was seated.
“I‟m sorry for your loss Lunga.” He gave me a faint smile then kissed me.
“I made it out alive.”
“Who raised you?”
“My grandmother.” He had on the most beautiful smile I‟d ever seen him wear.
“She raised a fine young man.”
“You think I‟m fine?” He asked wiggling his eyebrows. I giggled.
“You‟re such a silly man.”
“You bring out that side of me.” I smiled then rested my head on his shoulder.
“You know it is said that the more you talk about what‟s bothering the less it
has on you.”
“Is it?”
“Yes. Writing about it or singing about it helps that is if you don‟t want to talk.”
“Okay.”
“Like I said izolo baby I‟m not always going to be around. You need to accept
it. I need you to work on yourself for me. I can‟t leave without you being happy
baby.”
“Are you dying?” He heaved a heavy sigh then rubbed his face.
“No baby.” He said softly.
“But I don‟t want you to go Lunga.”
“I didn‟t want my parents to go as well but life had other plans.” I don‟t even
want to think about him leaving. I refuse. “Can you promise to try at least?”
“Okay.”
“We‟re going to make it okay.” I nodded. He once said something about taking
it one day at a time. I guess I could try open up even though I don‟t guarantee
that it will happen but I will TRY.
Twenty One

“What compares to what God had said and will stand by the word that he says
about me
That he has plans, plans to prosper me and his word is a light to sustain and
keep me
He cares for you
He‟ll carry through
Let it go, give it to your God
Let it go, give it to your God
Let it go, give it to your God
Let it go, give it to your God
Like a flood his mercy reigns
Give your heart to the Lord who cares for you
As he died we were resurrected
So we took a good walk in the newness of life
He cares for you
He‟ll carry you through
Let it go, give it to your God
Let it go, give it to your God
Let it go, give it to your God
Let it go, give it to your God
He‟s the author and the finisher
He‟s the author and the finisher
Author, Finisher
Author, Finisher.” I sat there listening to the choir singing this song. I didn‟t
know how to react to it. I looked around and I was the only one sitting.
Everyone had their hands stretched out and I didn‟t know why I would be doing
that. So he dragged me to church. He said that God would be speaking to me
today so I had to be in attendance.
“God did it more than two thousand years ago
He didn‟t just make you a conqueror over your situation
He didn‟t just make you a conqueror over your hurt
He didn‟t just make you a conqueror over your pain
But he made you more than a conqueror
He made you more than a conqueror
So we will let him conquer whatever it is
It has no power over us
So if you‟re going through something right now
You can take it proudly and boldly
And just surround it with God‟s word and grace
And just surround it with God‟s word and grace
God made sure that you don‟t have to cry
God made sure that you don‟t have in lack
God made sure that you don‟t have to be in hurt.” I sat there as those words
moved something in me. Let it go. Thando let it go but how? The again the song
says he makes sure that I don‟t have to cry or be in hurt but that‟s a lie. All I‟ve
ever know is hurt so how is he ensuring that I don‟t hurt? That doesn‟t make
sense at all. He cares for you. Psshht yeah right.
“Oh God we thank you for this day Lord. We thank you for your presence in
our midst today. We thank you for the power of the cross. We thank you Lord
for the lives that are about to get changed today by your power. We ask that you
open up our hearts to receive your word and healing today. In the mighty name
of Jesus Christ. Amen. And the church said.”
“Amen.” Everyone shouted in unison.
“Why don‟t you just go over to a couple of people tell them God is a good
God.” Everyone turned to their neighbour and did as instructed. I looked to my
left and Lunga was looking at me with a smile on his face. I smiled back at him
and he sat down. He put his arm over my chair and kissed my cheek.
“You good?” I nodded. I was interested in hearing what the pastor was going to
say.
“So we all made it today. I‟m glad we didn‟t stay in bed because it‟s a little
chilly. As you can see we have the heaters on for you so we‟ll be very warm for
the duration of the service. I can‟t say much for when we are dismissed.” I
couldn‟t help but chuckle. “So I know we‟re supposed to be carrying on with
our series but we‟ll put it on pause just for this week. This morning as I was
getting ready for church God put a message in my heart that I can‟t ignore. So I
am going to be an obedient child of God and listen. Today we‟re going to be
touching on the power of letting go and I‟m glad that the choir sang that
particular song before I came up. Hey but God works in ways we could never
understand.” There were chuckles all around the church. Lunga kept on stealing
glances at me as I kept my eyes on the pastor. “Our main text for the day is
Isaiah 43:18-19 and it reads, But forget all that- it is nothing compared to what I
am going to. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun!
Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create
rivers in the dry wasteland. What God is saying in that text is that there is
power in letting go. You see when we let go of the things that have hurt us or
are hindering us God does something new in our life. Whenever I speak about
letting go I like to reference to this picture.” A picture of a little girl holding a
small teddy bear and talking to a big man who had a huge teddy bear behind his
back came up on the screen. “This simple picture says so much about letting go.
You see the little girl all she‟s know is that little teddy bear. She‟s held on to it
for so long that it has become a part of her. We see the big man who we will say
is „God‟ stretching his hand out to her. He‟s asking her to trust him with it. He
knows how attached she is to it but he‟s asking her to take a leap of faith. See
sometimes we become so attached to our pain that we don‟t even realise that we
have made it our god. It weighs us down so much that we don‟t even see that
it‟s pushing us and holding us down but you see God wants to take it away from
you, He wants to free you of the baggage but you need to trust him and give it
to him. The only way that little girl is going to get that big teddy bear is if she
trusts him enough to let go of the pain. Give him the hurt and he will heal you
and give you peace unimaginable. Oh but I know how hard it is to let go but it
has to be done in order to move forward. God wants you to move forward
toward the future that he has planned for you. I could go on and on about this
but time so I will just go into how you can let go of the past to move into the
future. I hope I‟m talking to somebody this morning.” Lunga nudged me and I
looked at him and he had an angelic smile plastered across his face. I smiled
back at him and he pulled me closer and kissed my head.
“Are you hearing what the pastor is saying?” He whispered in my ear and I
nodded.
“You need to know who travels with you. God. He is always right there besides
you and he has wisdom, and the right amount of love that you need to go into
the future. Don‟t stay in a place that God doesn‟t want you to stay in. You need
to move when it‟s time to.
You need to realise that you have a choice. You need to understand that you are
not a victim of your circumstances and that only you have the power to keep
yourself in the past. The past is not a place that he wants us to stay in not when
he has a bright future written down in our names. I hope you guys are taking
this down.” We‟ll I wasn‟t but Lunga was. So I guess I was taking notes. “You
need to know the difference between learning from the past and letting it control
you. See the thing is that looking back and referencing to where you used to be
is not a bad thing in fact it can be motivational but the trouble starts when you
become so preoccupied with your past that it begins to dictate your present and
future. Your past doesn‟t define you but God does. Sure they labelled you a
failure before you even tried but God says because you tried you have already
won. They called you all sorts of names but that wasn‟t God. That was bitter
people who saw that God has ordained you to be greater than they could even
imagine you would be.
You need to seek healing for your broken heart. You must understand that God
knows the pain you‟re feeling. He knows how hard it is but remember that he
can take your pain and change into positive growth for you. Everything that
happens plays a part in God‟s greater purpose for your life. Yes what happened
was painful but it was necessary. Trust God to heal you when it all seems
unlikely to happen.
You need to break free of your anger. Go to God tell him how angry you are.
Tell him about your fears, mistakes and regrets that were because of your past
traumas. He will help you through it all. I could go on all day but time is not on
my side so in closing I will say that there is power in letting go. It invites new
things into your life. Take a chance. Let go and see what God will do in your
life.” I felt Lunga wipe my tears that I didn‟t even feel fall. I felt like he was
speaking directly to me. I felt something come over me. I couldn‟t understand it.
There was an alter call for all those that wanted to give their life to God. Lunga
looked at me but I shook my head. I wasn‟t ready for that kind of commitment.
Offering was then taken then announcements were made and we left. I‟m still
unsure of what exactly it was that I felt.
“So what did you think?” He asked stealing a glance at me then focused back on
the road.
“It was nice.” He chuckled.
“Just nice?” I shrugged.
“I mean I heard everything he said.”
“And are you going to let go?” I shrugged. “You are a prisoner to your own
pain Thando and you need to let it go.”
“I‟m scared you might not see me as Thando anymore but as some damaged
piece of shit.”
“Firstly you‟re not a piece of shit and you could never be. We‟ll talk more about
this at home because I want to hold you.”
“Okay.” We fell into a comfortable silence with my thoughts rushing away from
me. Let it go. Let it go Thando.
Twenty Two

“Hello.”
“Hi Thando, it‟s Zobuhle Mkhize.”
“Oh hi Mrs Mkhize.” I sighed. I had forgotten about Mrs Mkhize and her offer
honestly. Also why is she calling so early in the morning?
“How are you?
“I‟m fine thanks and you?”
“I‟m okay thanks.” I heaved a sigh. “Lunga told me that you were in hospital. I
hope you‟re feeling much better.”
“I am thank you.”
“That‟s good.” She cleared her throat and I waited in anticipation. “When will
you be available to come to the office?”
“I‟m not a hundred percent yet so I don‟t know.”
“I understand. Well when you‟re good and ready please come and see me.”
“I will.”
“Again if you need someone to talk to just call me okay.” I nodded then realised
that she couldn‟t see me.
“I will thank you.”
“Okay bye.”
“Bye.” She hung up and I carried on making my breakfast. My wrist was almost
completely healed and I could tightly grip semi heavy objects without flinching.
Not much has happened since we went to church that other week. We got home
that day and Lunga made good on his promise. He held me. That‟s all he did –
hold me and I felt so safe in his arms. Sigh. This man. He walked into the
kitchen dressed so sharp. He kissed my cheek and made coffee for himself. I
dished up for him and he settled on the kitchen chair.
“You look beautiful today.”
“Thank you.”
“Are you sure you want me to go back to work?”
“Yes go I‟ll be fine.”
“And if you don‟t feel good you‟ll call me right?”
“I promise.”
“I love you Thando.” I smiled then took a sip from my cup. We finished up and
I walked him out. He pulled me in and placed a soft kiss on my lips.
“Have a great day.”
“I miss you. I don‟t want to go.”
“Go. I‟ll make your favourite.” I thought about it then shook my head. “Sore
wrist so I can‟t but I‟ll make you a really tasty meal.”
“I can‟t wait. Bye baby.”
“Bye.” He drove out and I walked back in the house and went straight to bed.

I woke up feeling suffocate. I panicked and jumped out of the bed. I looked at
him and he had a faint smile on his face.
“What time is it? Why are you home early?”
“Mrs Mkhize extended my leave. She said she spoke to you in the morning.” I
nodded then walked out going to the toilet. I finished up then went back to bed.
“So much for finding a tasty meal ready.” I said putting my head on his chest.
“I‟ll cook baby.”
“Hmmm.”
“So Mrs M says she is still waiting for your response.”
“Lunga.” I said faintly.
“What are you scared of?”
“What if I fail?”

“Useless yezwa Thando. Useless. Manje what do you think is going to happen
to you seeing that you failed you matric?” I wiped my tears but they kept on
falling “Voetsek maan I‟m talking to you.”
“I‟ll rewrite.”
“Ukuthi why you didn‟t study hard enough to begin with beats me. Yazi uyadina
rhaaaaa.” She walked out banging the door on her way out. I had failed my
matric. I failed two subjects. The swung open and he walked in.
“Just know that I‟m not paying for you to rewrite.”
“Baba.” I said faintly.
“What‟s the point if you are going to keep failing?”
“But I‟m not.”
“Angina ndaba.” He walked out and a sob escaped my mouth. What was I
going to do?

“But you won‟t fail baby. I have faith in you.” I shook my head. “I know you
can do it baby. You‟ve got this.”
“What if I don‟t?”
“What if you do?”
“Lunga.”
“Don‟t allow fear to cripple you baby.”

“I‟d tell you to leave my house but I won‟t be that mean.”

“Baba.”
“I wasted my money on years of school fees only to have you fail you‟re so
useless. I‟m glad your sisters didn‟t disappoint me. Nxaaaaa you‟re not worthy
of anything wena.”

“I‟m not worthy Lunga.”

“You are. You deserve so much more baby. I wish you could see it.”
“I‟m scared.”
“I know but I‟ve got you. You‟ll do fine baby. You‟ve got my support”
“Angazi ukuthi uthembeni wena. What do you think is going to happen now?
Yeses maan. You better go out there and find a job I don‟t know where because
your father will not support a failure.”

“I want to sleep.”
“Remember I won‟t always be here Thando.”
“STOP IT.” He heaved a sigh.
“Sorry.” He kissed the top of my head then held me tighter. I needed to get
myself together. Lunga was about to leave me mos. Just like everyone else, he
got tired. “Sleep baby we‟ll talk later.”
Twenty Three

“Just get on your knees and suck.” I wiped my tears then did as instructed. I
needed to do this. I needed the money. He promised that he would help me out. I
had rewrote my matric and passed now the issue was getting funds to further my
studies. My father refused to pay for me. He said he said he didn‟t have
thousands to waste on a failure. I failed once. Once and he made it seem like it
was a continuous thing. I applied for funding but I was told I‟m too “well off”
to qualify. I couldn‟t get a bursary or scholarship because I was an average
student. So “too rich” and “too average” to get a chance. I met him at one of
the offices I had visited. I went around asking for funding or a chance
everywhere but nothing. That‟s where I met him. He said he‟d „Bless me‟ with a
chance. All I had to do was be his. Seemed easy enough. Until I learned what
being his entailed. Sex. I was technically prostituting myself for a chance at a
better life I guess.
“Did I do okay?” I asked with my back to him.
“More than okay baby. You were fantastic. I think I‟m going to enjoy you
blowing me.” I nodded. It was the most disgusting thing I ever had to do.
“So-”
“I‟ve already paid your semester fees. Just give me your textbook list then I‟ll
sort that out as well.”
“Thank you.” I said slowly turning to face him. He smiled at me then kissed me
forehead.
“I take care of my own as long as they take care of me.”
“I see.”
“Now I‟m ready to go again. Work your magic angel.” I nodded as I positioned
myself.

“Thando.” He said softly. I shook my head.

“I don‟t need your judgement or your pity Lunga.” I was lying on his chest and
I had just let him in on how I was able to fund my schooling.
“I‟m not going to judge you baby.”
“I‟m disgusting.”
“No you‟re strong baby that‟s what you are.”
“I‟M SORRY.”
“Don‟t shout baby and what are you sorry for?”
“I‟m disgusting. I don‟t deserve you.”
“I‟m the one who doesn‟t deserve you. You had to do what you had to do to
survive because you saw no other way. I applaud you for that. Yes it wasn‟t the
most conventional or greatest of choices but at the time it had to be done. Look
at you now. Beautiful, educated and all mine.”
“I see.”
“What are you thinking?” He was running his hand up and down my back and I
felt myself falling asleep.
“I want to sleep.”
“We‟ll continue when you wake up ne.”
“Yes.” Just as I was about to sleep my phone rang.
“Hello.”
“Hi Thando it‟s Thembeka.”
“Oh.”

“Manje did you find a job?” I looked at her and shrugged. “Thando how are
you going to survive?”
“I‟ll see.” I walked to my room and she followed me.
“Your sisters are coming over your father went to go fetch them.” I turned to
look at her.
“Hmmmm.”
“I would‟ve told you sooner but you didn‟t spend the night at home.”
“Hmm.”
“Please try to get along with them.” I flashed a fake smile then climbed into
bed. “I was hoping you could help me finish cooking.”
“I see” I got out of bed then headed to the kitchen to help her cook. We finished
off just as the car drove in.
“You‟re going to love them baby.” I gave her a faint smile then went about
washing the dishes. She went to go open for them and there was excitement in
my parents‟ voices. Something I‟d never heard before. They walked in and I was
called into the living room.
“Hello.” I said as I walked in. Three beautiful light skinned girls stood before
me.
“Thando these are your sisters. Thembeka, Ntando and Thozama. My babies
this is Thando.” He‟s never called me his „baby‟.
“Hey sisi it‟s nice to meet you.” I looked at them and tried my best to smile.
“It‟s nice to meet you too.”
“Are you hungry?” Mom asked as she stood up.
“No mama we‟re fine.”
“And you Mbatha?” He shook his head. He gave me a look and I looked right
back at him.
“Would you guys like to take a walk?” They nodded and we headed out.
“Dad is the perfect dad don‟t you think?” Thembeka said.
“Why do you say that?” I asked looking at her.
“Well because I don‟t live with him but he calls me every day to find out how
my day was and to wish me a goodnight.” I gave her a faint smile.
“Well mina he calls me every day just to tell me I‟m beautiful.” Thozama said.
“It was my birthday last week and he took me out on a date.” That was Ntando.
“As much as we all don‟t have the same mother he really tries to show us love
and affection. I bet it must be ten times more for you Thando because you live
with him.” Thembeka said. If only she knew. I smiled at her.
“I wish I stayed with daddy.” Thozama was the baby of the family.
“Oh yeah?” I said.
“Yeah then he would call me his princess every chance he got.”

“I know you said you‟d let us know when we‟d meet.” I heaved a sigh.
“I‟m still not well so I don‟t know when we‟ll get time to meet.”
“Like we said we can come to you please sisi.”
“I‟ll let you know when okay.”
“I understand.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.” I hung up and Lunga was looking at me with a raised eyebrow.
“What?”
“Are you ever going to see them?” I shook my head. “Why.” I shrugged “The
journey to healing is never an easy one. Sometimes you have to face things head
on in order to move on from them.”
Twenty Four

“Shit baby you‟re getting better at riding dick huh?” He said as he put his
pants on.
“I guess.”
“Look I‟m going to be out of town for a few days but I deposited money into
your account. You should be sorted until then.”
“Thank you.” I said softly.
“It‟s a pleasure. I‟ll see you when I come back okay.” I nodded and he placed a
kiss on my lips then walked out.

“So he didn‟t treat you badly?”

“At first things were good. I knew that I could get a bursary if I worked hard
you know so I thought our agreement would end after a year.”
“But it didn‟t?” I shook my head. “You want to tell me what happened?” I
shook my head. “I understand you‟ll tell me when you‟re ready and thank you
for opening up to me.”
“Thank you for being there for me.”
“I think you should give your sisters a chance.” I heaved a sigh. „It‟s not their
fault whatever the issue is.”
“It‟s just that-”
“I‟ve gathered that the root of all your hurt is your father. That‟s who all your
anger should be directed towards. I don‟t think your sisters had anything to do
with any of it. I‟m going to assume that he was more affectionate with them
than he was with you and that‟s why you refuse to let people in or genuinely
allow them to be there for you. Again looking at how your sisters keep calling
and trying to meet up with you shows that they want a relationship with you and
that they care for you. They shouldn‟t be punished for the sins of their father -
Your father. Just give them a chance.”
“I hear you.”
“That‟s all I ask. So please call them or should I call them for you?”
“Please call them.”
“Everything will work out okay?”
“Okay.”
“Now let me go call them.” He took my phone and walked out. I guess he was
right. I mean they had done nothing wrong. I guess my anger and resentment
was misplaced. Sigh but I‟ve never had a relationship with them. Where would I
even begin? He walked back in with a smile on his face.
“What did they say?”
“They‟ll be here in about two hours. Do we cook for them or do takeaways?” I
wouldn‟t want to be fed takeaways if I was visiting them.
“Can we cook please?”
“Okay come.” We headed to the kitchen and got started on lunch. Mac and
cheese. Green salad. Orange juice. I love it. Lunga said he knows how it „calms
me down‟.
“Thank you for this Lunga.”
“Anything for you.” He pulled me into his arms and placed a wet kiss on my
lips. This one was different. It moved something in me. I got lost in it. The way
his tongue was dancing in accordance to mine. How he was gently yet firmly
holding my waist. He gently pulled my lip and I couldn‟t help but smile. The
doorbell rang causing him to groan against my lips. He pulled back and looked
deep into my eyes.
“What?” I said shyly.
“You‟re so beautiful Thando.” He pulled me in and gently kissed my lips. The
doorbell rang again and he groaned louder causing me to giggle. “I shouldn‟t
have called them argh.” I laughed so loud that I‟m sure they heard me. “You‟re
beautiful when you laugh.” I blushed then made my way to the door. The
minute I opened they attacked me with hugs.
“Are you okay?”
“Why were you in hospital?”
“Oh my god we were so worried.”
“We‟re sorry for whatever we did.” They all spoke at the same time. We pulled
out of the hug and they all seemed nervous.
“I‟m sorry.” I said softly. “Please come in.” We walked in and found Lunga
sitting on the couch. “Guys this is Lunga. Lunga these are my sisters Thembeka,
Ntando and Thozama.”
“Hi ladies. Nice to finally meet you.”
“Nice to meet you too.”
“Well let me give you ladies your space. Just shout if you need anything.”
“Thank you.” He nodded then walked out.
“He‟s sexy.” Thembeka said as she flopped herself on the couch. I shrugged.
“I have orange juice.” I said looking at them.
“Yes please.” I nodded then walked to the kitchen to get the juice but ended up
putting the salad on the tray as well.
“I‟m just going to put everything here ne.” They nodded. I fetched the tray of
mac and cheese and the dishes with the cutlery then walked back to the living
room.
“This looks yum. Do you mind if I dig in already?” Thozama said as she
reached for a plate. I chuckled lightly.
“So why were you in hospital sisi?” Thembeka asked with a sad look on.
“He didn‟t tell you?” She shook her head.
“He just said you were selfish.” Thozama said.
“Thozama maan.”
“No it‟s okay Ntando.”
“I‟m sorry.”
“No need to be look I don‟t want to delve too much into why I was in hospital
kodwa I‟m fine now.”
“As long as you‟re fine. You‟re our sister Thando and we love you. It hurts us
that you don‟t want to have a relationship with us.”
“Thembeka it‟s just that I‟ve been going through a lot and.” I heaved a sigh.
“It‟s just been hard.”
“We‟ll we‟re here for you when you‟re ready okay?”
“Thank you.”
“Great now can I dig into this mac and cheese.” I chortled. The afternoon with
my sisters was great. We clicked on a level that I never thought we would. I
really enjoyed their company. They said they‟d be back for more orange juice.

“I see you enjoyed yourself.” He said pulling me into his arms.

“I did and now I‟m tired I just want to sleep.” He chuckled.
“I‟m happy about the amount of progress you made today. You‟re taking all the
right steps and it makes me happy. Soon you‟ll be back on your feet.”
“Thank you for believing in me.”
“Always will.” He kissed my cheek then pulled me closer. “Goodnight
Thando.”
“Goodnight Lunga.” I closed my eyes and allowed sleep to consume me.

I stretched out my hand but he wasn‟t in bed. I reached over to check the time
and it was 2AM. I got up and went on the hunt for him.
“Lunga?” I said softly when I saw him lying on the ground. “Lunga.” I said
shaking him. He was unconscious. “Lunga please wake up.” I kept on shaking
him but he wasn‟t budging. “Wake up please. Please wake up.” I said softly.
Twenty Five

“You scared me.”

“I didn‟t mean to.” He said fixing his pillow then pulled me closer.
“What happened? I was scared and and and-”
“It‟s okay I‟m sorry.”
“You left me.” He heaved a sigh.
“You were telling me about your blesser.” He chuckled and pinched my nose.
“Stop it.”
“Tell me.”

“You don‟t get to tell me when we end this Thando.” He said grabbing my hair.
“I‟m sorry.” I cried out.
“Ungrateful little bitch.” He slapped me so hard that I tasted blood
immediately.
“Okay okay I‟m sorry.”
“I paid for your fucken fees. I paid for you.” He kept hitting me all over my
body.
“I‟m sorry.”
“Bitch.”
“Please sorry please.” He grabbed my hair and pulled my face closer to his.
“It is over when I say it is okay??” I nodded. “Good now suck my dick.” I
shook my head.

“Baby.”
“He raped me.” I chuckled “But at least he paid for my fees right? So
technically it wasn‟t rape.”
“Thando rape is rape. Whether he paid you or not. If you say no and he still
does it is rape.”
“I deserved it.”
“No one deserves to be raped. Fuck man.”
“I‟ve been raped all my life.”
“Thando.” He whispered.
“Molested and raped. That‟s me.”
“Baby.”
“Worthless. Useless yep that‟s me.”
“Thando.”
“Yini? You wanted me to talk angithi?”
“You‟re hurting me.”
“I was raped. That‟s why I won‟t let you touch me like that.” He pulled me
closer and kissed my forehead.
“You haven‟t cried.” I chuckled while shaking my head.
“I don‟t cry.”
“You have to let it out Thando. Crying cleanses the soul.”
“Maybe one day.”
“I won‟t always be here.”
“I know. Just hold me please. We‟ll talk in the morning.” I closed my eyes and
allowed my body to shut down.

“I made oats.” He said as I walked into the kitchen.

“Thank you and morning.” He pulled me closer and placed a soft kiss on my
lips.
“Orange juice?”
“Yes please. “ He placed everything on the table and instructed me to eat. He
went around the room doing God knows what. I finished up and he took the
dishes.
“So I was thinking that we could go to Gold Reef City again?” I beamed.
“Really?”
“Yes I mean you enjoyed it.” Then I thought about how I found him in the early
hours. What if I lose him at Gold Reef? I shook my head. “No?”
“We can just stay in and watch movies.”
“That also sounds like a plan. Okay movies it is then. Go bath.” I nodded then
walked to the bathroom to take a long bath. My mind couldn‟t stop replaying
that scene. I was hurt. He left me. I shook my head and finished bathing then
got dressed in my white tracksuit.
“You look cute.” He said when I walked into the living room.
“Thanks.”
“I like your hair tied up like that.”
“You‟re too sweet.”
“Come let‟s watch.” We settled on the couch and he had all the movie snacks
set out on the table.
“I love speckled eggs.”
“Well they love you too.” He said shoving a hand full in my mouth. I laughed
out loud. He started tickling me causing me to spit out all the eggs that were in
my mouth.
“Wait wait stop.” He pinned me down and carried on tickling the life out of me.
“Waaaaaait.” I said breathlessly. He stopped and cupped my face.
“You look so beautiful when you laugh.” I drew a huge breath.
“Thank you.” I said softly.
“And you‟ve stopped laughing so you know what we need to do right?”
“No please don‟t Lungaaaa.” He started poking me. I tried to wiggle out of his
hold but he held me tighter.
“Uthini?” He asked stifling a laugh.
“Please don‟t.” He chuckled and started tickling me again. “Lungaaaaaaaaaa.” I
laughed so hard I even ran out of breath. He stopped and smashed his lips on
mine.
“You‟re so beautiful when you laugh.” He murmured against my lips.
Twenty Six

Bliss. Pure days. Lunga and I spent the past couple of days lazing around. We
watched movies, played games, kissed, cooked, kissed, and make a mess. It‟s
safe to say this is the most carefree I have ever been. My white tracksuit was
well on its way to being brown.
“Hello gorgeous.” He walked in looking dangerously handsome.
“Hi.”
“Are we shy again?” I shook my head. He chuckled while shaking his head.
“You look too cute right now. Come sit I have oats.”
“With extra milk?” He smiled and nodded. “You‟re too good to me.” I sat down
and indulged in my oats then washed it off with some orange juice.”
“So I‟m going out for a few hours but I‟ll be back okay?” A frown befell my
face.
“Where are you going?”
“You‟re so cute. I‟m going to the mall but I‟ll be back before you know it
okay?”
“Okay.” I said softly.
“Now go bath and all.”
“Stupid.”
“Just like you. I‟ll see you in a few.” He kissed my forehead then headed out. I
walked to the bathroom then filled the tub before stripping naked and getting in.
The warm water against my skin did wonders to my soul. I finished up then
headed t the kitchen to make some tea. Tea and dry bread? Argh. My phone
rang while I was still debating with myself.
“Hello.”
“Thando.”
“Yebo.”
“Unjani?”
“I‟m fine and you?”
“Good. Your mother and I would like to see you please.” I shook my head.
“No.”
“Please Thando.”
“No.”
“Whether you like it or not we are going to come see you nxaaaa.”
“Stay the hell away from me.” I hung up and started pacing around the room.
They better not come near me. I‟ll kill them. They must stay away. They didn‟t
care about me mos? Now they suddenly care? They better stay away from me.
“Lungaaaa.” I ran around looking for him. He‟s not here? He‟s gone? I sunk to
the floor and held my knees up to my chest and rocked myself back and forth.

“When are you getting a job Thando?”

“I‟m still looking for one baba.”
“Well you better look faster because I‟m getting tired of feeding you.” My tears
were on the verge of falling but I pushed them back.
“I understand.”
“Good. So look faster.”
“Hmmm.”
“And I want you out of my house.”
“You want me gone?”
“Yes.” I laughed. I laughed really hard.
“You want me out your fucken house? You want me gone? Fine. I‟ll go.” I said
pacing around. He wants me gone? Fine. We‟ll all go. We‟ll all fucken go.
“THANDO.”
“Yini? You said I must go angithi? Well we‟re leaving.”
“Thandolwam.”
“Don‟t call my name.” I said faintly.
“Please my baby you don‟t have to do this.”
“I‟M NOT YOUR BABY.” I roared. They said I must go right? So we‟re going.
“Put the lighter down Thando.”
“You don‟t love me.” I said softly.
“That‟s not true baby. I love you Thandolwam.” I giggled.
“You love me?”
“Yes my baby.”
“YOU‟RE LYING. YOU NEVER LOVED ME MAMA. Why didn‟t you love
me?” I said the last part softly.
“Thando please put it down baby.”
“Put it down?” I said looking at the lighter.
“Yes baby.”
“Gladly.” I dropped it on the floor which had paraffin all over.

“Thando??” He‟s here? “Thando. Where are you?”

“I‟m here.” I said faintly.
“THANDO.” He screamed. “Shit baby what did you do?” He picked me up.
“Lunga?” I said faintly.
“Yes Thando I‟m here.”
“You‟re leaving.”
“Thando.” He said softly causing me to sob. He pulled me closer and I
continued sobbing on his chest. My mind was running with all kind of thoughts.
I held onto him tighter and continued sobbing “I‟m sorry. I‟m so sorry.” He kept
on whispering in my ear. I eventually pulled myself together and got out of his
embrace. “Come we need to get this paraffin off of you.”
“I‟m sorry.” I said as the realisation of what I almost did hit me. I almost burned
the house down like I had done years ago with my parent‟s house.
“What happened?”
“He called me.”
“He won‟t hurt you. I‟m here okay.” I nodded. He filled the tub then helped me
in.
“Please don‟t go.”
“I‟m just going to get your pyjamas Thando.” I shook my head.
“I don‟t want them.”
“Okay. Let me help you bath.” He gently bathed me then dried me afterwards.
He applied lotion on my body and combed my hair then tied it into a neat bun.
“I got you.” He carried me to bed and laid me down slowly. He looked at me
with so much intensity in his eyes. I felt exposed to him. “So beautiful Thando.”
He said as he gently took my lips in his. It had my stomach doing summersaults.
He caressed my body gently and I felt tingles all. “May I?” He murmured
against my lips.
“Yes.” I whispered as I pulled him closer.
“Are you comfortable?” He asked looking me dead in the eye. I nodded. “I need
you to tell me Thando. Are you comfortable?”
“Yes.” I said breathlessly.”
“Okay.” He came back to my lips. His hand was gently cupping my breast. I
locked my legs around his waist. I felt nervous and excited at the same time. I
wanted to do this with him. It was time. He cared about me and he respected
me. This was a first for me. Normally men just used me but this time that wasn‟t
the case. It was deeper than that. My body was reacting to his touch. We were
about to connect physically and mentally. “Are you sure Thando?”
“Yes.”
“I don‟t want it to seem like I‟m taking advantage of your vulnerable state.”
“You‟re not. I want this. I want you.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. Please make the ache go away.” I said pulling him closer.
“Thando.” He said against my lips.
“Please.” He kissed me with so much hunger this time. He took off his shirt. I
pulled him closer and when my skin came into contact with mine my whole
body shivered. His hand was slowly moving up and down my body and it had
me feeling something I don‟t think I‟d ever felt before. My vagina was going
insane.
“I‟m going to make slow and passionate love to you okay.” I nodded. He got off
the bed and slowly took off pants. He had his gaze set on me as he did that. I
couldn‟t look away from him. It was like his eyes were looking straight into my
soul and he could see it all. The hurt. The pain. The humiliation. All of it.
“You‟re so beautiful Thando.” He said as he climbed back on the bed. I gave
him a small smile and he chuckled. He lowered his head taking my nipple in his
warm mouth. I arched my back as a moan escaped my mouth. He kept on
sucking and gently biting it sending me into a frenzy. He alternated between my
nipples. He had me singing hallelujah. He came back to my lips and gently
sucked on my lips. I had my hands on his head while he was gently working my
lips. “I care so much about you Thando.” He said with his lips never leaving
mine.
“I need you please.” He left my lips and planted soft kisses down my breast to
my stomach until he reached my thighs. I pushed his head back and sat up.
“What are you doing?”
“I‟m taking care of you. If you don‟t like it we‟ll stop.” I nodded. “You cool?”
“Yes.” I sat as I laid back on the bed. I felt his tongue on my vagina. He used
his fingers to part my folds. His tongue was doing wonders to me. I felt weak. I
squeezed his head in with my thighs. His fingers were digging into my thigh. I
felt him push a finger in and I moaned loudly. I had never felt anything like it.
He was gently sucking and biting on my clit. My legs started shaking vigorously
causing me to cry out. I felt like my body had just released some sort of energy.
He came back to my lips with a smile plastered across his face. I smiled back at
him. He put his fingers in between mine and locked them in.
“If it hurts just tell me okay.”
“Okay.” I felt him rub himself on my entrance then he slowly pushed himself in.
I felt a slight discomfort so I shut my eyes. He stopped and asked me to open
my eyes. I opened them and found him looking at me with concern.
“Are you okay?”
“I‟m fine.”
“Okay.” He continued pushing himself in until he was in. I had my one hand on
his back. He started moving slowly and I felt something new. He lowered his
head and took my lips in his. He was moving so gently that I felt my soul
connect with his. I squeezed his hand and he squeezed mine right back. He took
my other hand and held it in his other hand. “Look at me Thando.” I looked at
him as he continued to thrust in and out at a slow pace. I felt tears threaten to
fall out. “You‟re so beautiful.” And my tears just fell. My body began to shake
again. “That‟s it, let it go.” A wave swept throughout my body and I just
sobbed. He groaned then fell on top of me. He wiped my tears and kissed my
nose. “Are you okay?”
“Yes.” I said faintly.
“I love you Thando.”
“I love you too Lunga.” He smiled widely before capturing my lips in his.
Twenty Seven

He walked in looking deliciously handsome today. He had on a black shirt that

was tucked into his navy blue pants. His silver watch looked extra polished.
“Hello Thando.” I smiled at him.
“Hi.”
“How are you?”
“I‟m good thanks and how are you?”
“I‟m good. Are you feeling better today?” I smiled again. He cares about me
this one.
“I am thank you.”
“I have your pills with me.” He handed me a glass of water and the pills and
made sure that I downed them. “I‟m so proud of you.”
“Thank you.”
“So last time you said your relationship with your parents is why you‟re here in
life.” I nodded.
“All my life I‟ve never known what love is. I went through my days fighting
just to stay alive. I had to be strong for myself when it all got bad. I technically
raised myself.” He nodded and leaned back on the chair.
“Do you hate them?” I laid back on the bed. I really had to think about it. Do I
hate them? Sure if they were kinder to me things would‟ve turned out
differently.
“I think so. I don‟t know.”
“You‟re not the little girl that didn‟t have a voice in the past Thando. You can
voice out what you want to.”
“Okay.”
“So do you hate them? “ I kept quiet. “You can tell me.” I looked at him and he
gave me a faint smile. “They won‟t know.”
“Okay.”
“So?”
“I hate them.” I got up from the bed. “I fucken hate them.” I was pacing up and
down. “I hate them. I HATE THEM. I FUCKEN HATE THEM. I HATE
THEM. I HATE THEM. I HATE THEM.”
“THANDO.”
“They never loved me. They let them take advantage of me. I HATE THEM
YOU HEAR ME? I HATE THEM. YOU CAN GO TELL THEM.
I.DO.NOT.CARE.”
“Thando I need you to calm down. You‟re hurting yourself.” I looked on the
floor and there was blood but where was it coming from? “Let‟s get you cleaned
up.” He made me sit on the chair and tended to the blood that was coming out
my forehead.
“Ouch.” I winced when the antiseptic came into contact with my cut.
“Remember what I said about controlling your emotions when they start to get
too much for you?”
“Yes.” I took a deep breath.
“And if you struggle to control them just call on the name of the Lord he‟ll help
you.” I smiled. “You look beautiful when you smile Thando.”
“Stooooop.” I said hiding my face in my hands.
“And you look so much better when you blush T.”
“Argh. Can I nap just for a little bit?”
“You promise we‟ll talk when you wake up.”
“Only if you promise I can eat in my room.” He tilted his head and looked at me
with a small smile on his face.
“Mac and cheese, green salad and orange juice?” I nodded with a big smile on
my face. “Only if we get to talk.”
“I promise.”
“Okay then sleep angel.” I settled into bed and shut down the minute my head
hit the pillow.

“She‟s doing good.”

“So what happens when you leave?”
“Steph will take over but she‟s made so much progress that I don‟t think she‟ll
be here for any longer than six months.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah man. Trust me she‟s in a much better place than she was a year ago.”
“So when she leaves? Do we call the family?”
“NO. Call me.”
“This is hectic.”
“I know but I can‟t risk her falling back into that place.”
“You care about her ne?”
“I care about all of them.”
“But she holds a special place in your heart.” I waited for his response but it
never came. I opened my eyes and sat up as I rubbed them. They both turned to
look at me.
“Hi Thando did we wake you up?” I shook my head looking at him.
“Hi.”
“Hey.” I said softly.
“Okay let me leave you two.” He walked out and he came to sit next to me.
“You slept well?”
“I did thanks.”
“I got your lunch.” He pointed at the table. My heart leaped for joy.
“Thank you.”
“Do we talk whilst you eat?” I nodded. “Okay.” I settled on the chair and got
started on my lunch. “So do you feel ready to cut your family off?” I paused for
a little bit.
“Yes.” I said softly. He looked at me with his eyebrow raised. “My family has
been the source of my unhappiness all my life. I know that had my mother
listened to me all those years ago when I wanted to tell her about the rapes I
wouldn‟t be here now. I also know had my father been a dad to me I would‟ve
know what love was and I would‟ve never searched for it in the wrong places.”
He nodded.
“Do you know that for sure?” I stopped eating and heaved a sigh.
“Okay maybe I might‟ve still had issues but at least then I would have had
someone to share them with you know.”
“I understand.”
“You know I still don‟t know what I did to have them hate me this much.”
“Do you want to know?” I shrugged. “I think you should let it go.”
“Yeah?”
“Do you want to undo all the work that you‟ve done? You know how you get
when we mention your parents coming.”
“I understand.”
“But it‟s obviously all up to you.”
“I think you‟re right.”
“I‟m really proud of all the work that you‟ve put in over the past year.”
“Thank you.”
“So...” I heaved a sigh. I knew what was coming.
“I know.”
“Are you going to be okay?”
“Will you come and check on me?” He smiled and shook his head. “Why?” I
asked while frowning.
“I need you to heal fully on your own Thando.”
“But I am.” I said softly.
“I know you are but I know the only reason you started participating here was
because I was here but you can‟t depend on me too much.”
“I‟m scared. You‟re leaving me and-“
“Heey I‟m not leaving. I‟m just changing jobs but I‟ll still be around.”
“I know.”
“I need you to do one thing for me though.”
“Anything.”
“When they discharge you call me okay. Tell them to call me, they have my
details.” I nodded.
“I promise.”
“Good. I‟ve fixed the extra room at my house for you.”
“Why are you so nice to me?” I looked at me intensely then smiled.
“One day you‟ll understand. Now come give me hug.” I stood up and walked
towards him. He engulfed me in a huge bear hug and I clung onto him for dear
life. “Get better for me okay?”
“Okay.” He kissed my forehead then let go of me.
“I‟ll see you soon.” I looked at him and chuckled.
“You have your badge on upside down.” He looked at it then burst into
laughter. “I guess even psychologists have their dumb moments.” We chortled.
“Uyislima wena. Don‟t come for my profession.”
“Bye Lunga.”
“Bye Thando. I‟ll see you soon.” He walked out and I flopped myself on the
bed. I was all alone again but this time I knew that I had someone in my corner,
someone who was rooting for me. I had to do better. I was going to make it.

SIX MONTHS LATER

The sunrays on my skin felt like magic. The fresh air was beyond what I
remembered it to be. I walked with my hands out feeling the air. I was more
than happy to be out. I stopped at the gate and waited for him. He got to me and
we walked to his car in Silence. He opened the door for me then went t go put
my stuff in the boot. This was it. He got in and looked at me.
“Are you ready to start your new life?”
“More than you‟ll ever know. Thank you for everything Lunga.” He smiled and
nodded then drove off. I was anxious to start my new life. I knew that it
wouldn‟t be easy but I was willing to work harder than I ever have.

*THE END*
*Writer‟s note

The events that took place in the present setting were all in Thando‟s mind.
Everything that happened in the past damaged her to the point of trying to burn
herself and her parents alive and that is how she ended up in the mental
institution with Lunga being her psychologist.