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Human
Human Relations
Environmental Family Councils:
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Extension 
The Key Is
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Communication
Human Development and Family Studies Extension

What is a family Why have a family How the family

council? council? council works
The family council is: Because of today's busy lifestyles, it Set a regular meeting date and time.
■ A meeting of family members at a is hard for families to find time together. The council should meet regularly,
routine time and place. It is important, however, that each fam- for example, once a week, three
■ A time for family concerns to be ily member has a part in family deci- times a month, or once every other
discussed sions. A family council is a valuable tool week. Decide in advance how long it will
■ A chance for each family member for families. By coming together and last. Be sure to begin and end on time.
to express thoughts or feelings keeping the lines of communication Attendance
■ A joint effort to make family open, families can lead more satisfied All family members are invited,
decisions. lives. Family councils help children but not required, to attend the family
A family council deals with both learn to voice opinions respectfully, council. Those who choose not
positive and negative issues that affect be responsible, learn problem-solving to attend should know that family
the family. Some examples are: skills, and make decisions coopera- decisions that affect them will be made
Recognition of achievements tively with others. whether they are there or not.
Family members' achievements and
successes can be recognized in the
family council.
Problem solving
Problems and solutions can be
discussed in a clear and organized
manner.
Planning and decision-making
All members of the family have a
voice in family plans and decisions.
Family involvement
Family members can discuss what
chores need to be done, who will do
them, and how to share these respon-
sibilities.

Published by MU Extension, University of Missouri-Columbia GH 6641 

 Who is included? How to decide
Every person who lives in the
household should be included, regard- Consensus vs. voting
less of his or her age. Family councils The general rule for making decisions in the family council is to make deci-
are useful for all types of families sions by consensus. Consensus means that everyone comes to an agreement
— single-parent families, stepfamilies, on the decision. It is a decision that all family members feel good about. In
families with foster children, etc. contrast, when voting is used to make a decision, some family members may
not agree with the decision. It may seem easier to vote on solutions than to
Who should lead the meeting work for consensus. However, family members who are outvoted may feel that
Each meeting needs a chairperson they do not have a say in family decisions.
and a note taker. These offices can
be rotated so that each member has Weighing and evaluating the facts is sometimes all that is necessary to
a chance to be chairperson and note reach consensus. Other times it is harder to come to an agreement. Ex-
taker. pect conflict and differences of opinion to arise during the problem-solving
process. When people are allowed to freely express opinions, disagreement is
Order likely to occur. However, considering everyone's opinion is an important step
Organization is as important for in finding a solution everyone agrees with. The idea is not to begin with agree-
a family council as it is for any other ment, but to end with it. There are several things you can do if you're having a
meeting. Have an agenda for the meet- hard time agreeing on a solution.
ing and stick to it. You can post an
“agenda sheet” on the refrigerator dur- Brainstorming
ing the week before the meeting. One idea to try is brainstorming. For a few minutes, encourage everyone to
Family members can add items to the suggest possible solutions and have one person write them down. Every idea
agenda sheet to create the meeting's should be written down, even if it seems like it won't work. During this period
agenda. Limiting the discussion to one no one should judge or evaluate anyone else's ideas. When the brainstorming
or two topics works best. Beginning period is over, go down the list of ideas and talk about the pros and cons of
and ending on a positive note helps each one. Brainstorming can lead to creative solutions that otherwise would not
make the family council a positive have been considered.
experience for everyone.
Some ideas for beginning the family
council are to have each person share
Trial solutions
Sometimes family members will be unsure whether a suggested idea will
a joke or cartoon, tell the best part of
work. You can give the proposed idea a trial period. After the trial period is
his or her day, or answer a fun question
over, discuss in the family council whether the idea is working or not. If it
from a book such as The Kids' Book
doesn't work, avoid saying, “I told you so” to the person who suggested it
of Questions. At the end of the family
because that discourages people from expressing ideas.
council, have a special treat or do a
favorite activity together as a family.

Table the discussion

Procedures
If you are unable to come to a consensus on a particular topic, decide to
Family councils function without a
continue the discussion next time. Sometimes it is easier to find a solution
boss. Parents act as group leaders
when you have a little more time to think about the problem. Wait to start a new
rather than bosses. The chairperson
topic until the one being discussed is solved or saved for later. At the end of the
helps the family move through the
meeting, summarize the decisions that were made.
agenda items and keeps the discussion
on track. Although there is no boss, it
is a good idea to have a few ground family members can brainstorm a list of everyone can give full attention to the
rules (for example, no interrupting oth- rules and decide which ones they want family council. Turn off the television
ers) that are agreed upon by all family to be the ground rules. and avoid answering the telephone,
members. At the first family council, Distractions should be minimized so if possible. The council should be at

 Human Environmental Sciences Extension

a time when members can express
opinions without being interrupted or
judged. All members should express
Involving children in the family council
themselves freely and help find solu-
Preschool children
tions to problems. Some people may
Even very young children can participate in a family council. Some tips for
get emotional during council meetings.
involving preschool children in the family council:
It is important to allow each family
member to freely express both positive
■ Keep it short. Preschool-age children have a short attention span. They
and negative emotions.
shouldn't be expected to sit still and listen for more than a few minutes.

■ Order the agenda so that the topics that are relevant to preschool children
Communication are discussed first. Have toys or crayons available for them to play with
skills for a success- when they get restless. Allow them to leave early if necessary.
ful family council ■ Preschool children may be more engaged in a family council if they have a
Using simple communication tech- job to do. For example, a young child can be in charge of telling everyone
niques can help family councils run it's time for the meeting, or passing out treats at the end of the meeting.
more smoothly. One technique to try is
■ Allow young children to express their thoughts. Listen to them respectfully
active listening. This means restating
without correcting them.
what the other person is saying so you
can make sure you understand what he ■ Reinforce positive behavior. When your child is doing something you like, let
or she means. For example, “It sounds them know, for example, “You are doing such a good job listening.”
like you're saying you don't think it's
fair that your sister gets to stay up an
School-age and adolescent children
hour later than you do.” Try to really
■ Older children and adolescents may be resistant to family councils, espe-
listen when the other person is talking,
cially if you are just starting to have them. Starting with shorter meetings
instead of thinking about what you are
may help. Stick to easy or positive issues for the first few meetings.
going to say in response.
A second technique is the use of ■ Letting children know their presence and opinions are valued may also
“I-statements.” This means focusing on encourage them to participate.
your feelings about something you view ■ Don't force children to participate. Just let them know that decisions that
as a problem. An I-statement has three may affect them will be made whether they are there or not.
parts: feeling, when, and because. For
■ Older children are more likely to participate if they have a say in what topics
example, “I feel upset when you say
are discussed.
you will be home at 11, but you don't
come home until 12 because I worry
about your safety.”
Resources for more How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and

A successful family information Listen So Kids Will Talk. Adele Faber

Elaine Mazlish (1999). Morrow, Wil-
council Books liam, & Co. Gives practical advice for
Remember that a successful family improving parent-child communication.
council will take time and effort. Try to The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Clearly written with lots of examples.
stick with it even if it seems difficult at Families. Stephen R. Covey (1998). St
first. Your family will begin to run more Martin's Press, Inc. Describes a set of The Kids' Book of Questions. Greg-
smoothly and effectively when everyone tools for strengthening family relation- ory Stock (2004). Workman Publishing
helps find solutions to problems and ships and solving family problems. In- Company, Inc. A book of funny and
everyone's opinions are considered. cludes discussion of family councils, or interesting questions that stimulate cre-
family meetings. ative thinking and are appropriate for
children.

University of Missouri-Columbia 
 Web sites References For more information on this subject
MissouriFamilies Vuchinich, S., & Angelelli, J. (1995). and many others, visit the MU Exten-
missourifamilies.org Family interaction during problem solv- sion Publications Web site at:
Find answers to questions about par- ing. In M. Fitzpatrick & A. Vangelisti muextension.missouri.edu/explore
enting, child development and family (Eds.), Explaining Family Interactions
relationships. Also has links to parent- (pp. 177-205). Thousand Oaks, CA:
ing workshops and other resources. Sage Publications, Inc.
This guide was originally written by
Suzanne McGarvey and Kim Leon,
National Council on Family Rela- Vuchinich, S., Angelelli, J., & Gath-
Human Environmental Sciences
tions, 3989 Central Ave., NE, #550, erum, A. (1996). Context and develop- Extension, University of Missouri.
Minneapolis, MN 55421, 1-888-781- ment in family problem solving with
9331. preadolescent children. Child Develop- Kim Leon, state specialist in Human
Development and Family Studies,
ncfr.org. ment, 67, 1276-1288.
reviewed and revised this edition.
This organization of family researchers,
educators and practitioners provides Washington State University Coop-
research and information about family erative Extension. Family Meetings.
relationships.

■ Issued in furtherance of Cooperative Extension Work Acts of May 8 and June 30, 1914, in cooperation with the United States Department of
Agriculture. Michael D. Ouart, Director, Cooperative Extension, University of Missouri, Columbia, MO 65211. ■ University of Missouri Extension
does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, national origin, sex, religion, age, disability, political beliefs, sexual orientation, or marital or
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$.50 GH 6641 Revised 4/07/Web