HANDOUT - Family Meetings 10 Steps

Jane Nelsen www.positivediscipline.
com
10 Steps for Effective Family Meetings
Objective: Materials:
• To provide coaching for a volunteer • Flip chart and markers
who is willing to practice solving a • Talking stick-or something to
“real challenge” through the family represent a talking stick
meeting process as a demonstration • Notebook or paper for Agenda
for the whole group. • Challenges and Characteristics and
• To help parents understand that Life Skills lists from the Two Lists
there is no such thing as a perfect Activity.
family meeting, and that practice • 10 Steps for Effective Family
makes better. Meetings (handout)
• Tips for Successful Family Meetings
(handout)
Comment:
During family meetings children have the opportunity to develop most of the
Characteristics and Life Skills parents hope for them, including a sense of
belonging and the belief that they are capable. Parents have the opportunity to
avoid power struggles when they invite shared problem-solving instead of lecturing
and micromanaging.
Directions:
1. Pass out a copy of the10 Steps for Effective Family Meetings to each participant,
so they can follow along.
2. Ask for four volunteers to be a family of four to demonstrate using the 10 Steps for
Effective Family Meetings. They can decide who will be two parents, and two
children (and the ages of the children). Point out that family meetings work best
with children over the age of four.
3. Ask one of the parents to read aloud the 10 Steps as they practice each one. (If
the children are old enough, an option would be to take turns reading the steps.)
4. Hand the “talking stick” and the “agenda” to the volunteer parent and ask him or
her to go through all of the 10 Steps.
Jane Nelsen www.positivediscipline.com
5. When they are finished, process with the kids what they were thinking, feeling, and
deciding during the family meeting. Point to the Characteristics and Life Skills list
and ask them if they can find things that they were learning. (Usually most of them)
6. Ask the parents what they were thinking, feeling and deciding.
EXTENSION I:
7. Form groups of four to five. Each group can decide the “characters” in their family,
and can then choose a challenge from the Challenges List (or any challenge they
would like to address). Allow 10 minutes for them to role-play having a family
meeting following the10 Steps for Effective Family Meetings
8. When time is up, ask if anyone would like to share what went on in their family
meeting—successes/challenges.
9. Ask all participants to share what they learned from this activity. (See Facilitators
Note below for answers to some typical questions.)
10. Pass out the Tips for Successful Family Meetings as homework.
Facilitators Note: Instead of answering questions immediately, first ask the rest of
the group what they think. If they don’t come up with a point that needs to be made,
you can then make it—or assign someone to research a chapter in one of the Positive
Discipline books for an answer. Some of the most common questions:
Q: What if my spouse can’t attend?
A: Call it a problem-solving session instead of a family meeting.
Q: What if a child refuses to give a compliment?
A: Say, “Okay. Maybe you’ll want to next time,” and continue on around the circle.
EXTENSION II (or as a follow up activity or during another class):
11. Write “Benefits of Family Meetings” on a flip chart.
12. Ask participants to brainstorm the benefits of family meetings. (If they don’t come
up with some that you like, it is okay to say, “What about _____?” as you add
more.
13. Write “Tips for Successful Family Meetings”. (A review of the handout)
14. Ask participants to brainstorm all the things that could keep family meetings from
being successful (such as parents talking too much, not having them regularly, not
having them short enough).
10 Steps for Effective Family Meetings

1. Introduction: “We will read these steps until we all know them. Who would like to
start with No. 2?” (If children are old enough they can take turns reading the steps.)
2. Compliments or appreciations: “Each of us will share one thing we appreciate

about each member of the family. I will start. “I would like to compliment __________
for _____________.” (Give each family member a compliment, and then have them
all do the same.)
3. Family Meeting Agenda: “The agenda will be placed on the refrigerator so every
one can write down problems during the week. You’ll notice that leaving dishes in
the sink is on the agenda for us to practice problem-solving.”
4. Talking stick: “This item will be passed around to help everyone remember that
only one person can talk at a time, and that everyone gets a turn.”
5. Brainstorming: “Brainstorming means thinking of as many solutions as we can.

While brainstorming all ideas are okay (even funny ideas) without discussion. When
we are finished, we will decide which ones don’t fit the 3R’s and an H for
Solutions: 1) Related, 2) Reasonable, 3) Respectful, and, 4) Helpful. For now we
can have fun thinking of all kinds of ideas.”
6. Focusing on solutions: “Let’s practice with the problem on the agenda. Who would
like to be our scribe and write down every suggestion?” (If your childen aren’t old
enough, you can take this job.)
7. Encourage the kids to go first: “Who would like to start with some wild and crazy
ideas?” (If no one speaks up, you might need to get them started with some wild and
some practical ideas by saying, “What about throwing dirty dishes in the garbage, or
each taking a day of the week?”, but first allow for silence. If someone objects to any
ideas, say, “For now we are just brainstorming for solutions. All ideas will be written
down.”)
8. Using the 3 Rs and an H for Solutions: After brainstorming ask, “Who can see any
solutions we need to eliminate because they are not related, reasonable,
respectful, or helpful? Our scribe can cross them off after we discuss why.”
9. Choosing the solution: “Do you want to narrow it to one solution or try several that
are left? We can evaluate how the solution or solutions worked during our next
meeting in one week.”
10. Fun activity: “We will take turns choosing an activity for the end of each family
meeting. For tonight I’ve chosen Charades. Who will volunteer to decide the fun
activity for next week?”
TIPS FOR SUCCESSFUL FAMILY MEETINGS

1. Remember the long-term purpose of family meetings: To teach valuable life skills.
2. Have all family members sit around a table (not during a meal time) or in another
comfortable space where they can all see each other.
3. Post an agenda where family members can write their concerns or problems.
4. Start with compliments to set the tone by verbalizing positive things about each
other.
5. Focus on solutions, not blame.
6. Teach children about brainstorming: Brainstorming means we think of all the
possible solutions we could use to solve this challenge. It is okay to have fun and
suggest wild and crazy ideas. During the brainstorming time all ideas are okay.
We will write down every suggestion without discussion. When we are finished
brainstorming we will choose one we can all agree with because it is practical
and respectful to everyone.
7. Have fun. Some suggestions can be silly or outrageous.
8. Choose one suggestion (by consensus) that is practical and respectful to
everyone and try it for a week. (Or, if several suggestions might work, let each
person choose which one he or she would like to use.)
9. When consensus can’t be reached (and it is practical to use only one
suggestion), table that item for more discussion next week.
10. Calendar a family fun activity for later in the week—and all sports and other
activities (including a schedule who need rides where and when).
11. Keep family meetings short,10 to 30 minutes, depending on the ages of your
children.
12. End with a family fun activity, game, or dessert.
13. MISTAKES ARE WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITIES TO LEARN.
CAUTIONS
1. AVOID using family meetings as a platform for lectures and parental control.
2. DON’T expect perfection. Celebrate improvement.
3. LEARNING SKILLS TAKES TIME. You wouldn’t expect children to learn to read
in a day, a week, or a month. Family members need time to learn cooperation
and problem skills. Even solutions that don't work provide an opportunity to learn
and try again to focus on respectful solutions.
4. UNDERSTAND DEVELOPMENTAL READINESS. Children under the age of four
may not be developmentally ready to participate in family meetings, but may be
content to do a quiet activity such as drawing. If younger children are too
distracting, wait until they are asleep.
5. AVOID SKIPPING REGULAR, WEEKLY FAMILY MEETINGS. Make them the
most important date on your calendar.

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Jane Nelsen www.positivediscipline.

10 Steps for Effective Family Meetings

10 Steps for Effective Family Meetings

2. Compliments or appreciations: “Each of us will share one thing we appreciate

5. Brainstorming: “Brainstorming means thinking of as many solutions as we can.

TIPS FOR SUCCESSFUL FAMILY MEETINGS

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