AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON

The Abridged Script

By Rod, John K., and Alex W.

This script was also featured on Cracked.com, so if you want, you can also read it there.

This script also has an extra-long Author's Cut available to Patrons. You can check it out here.

FADE IN:

EXT. HYDRA FORTRESS - FAKE EUROPE

We open on an UNSKIPPABLE CUTSCENE as CHRIS HEMSWORTH, ROBERT DOWNEY,

JR., CHRIS EVANS, GREEN MARK RUFFALO, SCARLETT JOHANSSON, and JEREMY
RENNER storm a HYDRA base and straight up MURDER tons of regular, non-superpowered
people in the world's LEAST-FAIR FIGHT.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Oh look, I'm back with my catalogue of specialized suits. This completely invalidates everything
that happened in Iron Man 3, so I guess everyone can just skip that one.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Verily, Thor 2 is similarly without merit or consequence!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

And Guardians took place in outer space, so it doesn't affect what's going on either.

CHRIS EVANS

Okay, but Winter Soldier is totally important, it established that HYDRA has been infiltrating
SHIELD for half a century! Of course, it's been completely dismantled now and this is the very
last base that we're about to destroy... shit. Is Phase 2 the Danny DeVito to Phase 1's
Schwarzenegger?

GREEN MARK RUFFALO

ENTIRE PHASE 2 CAN BE IGNORED, NEXT MOVIE ALL ABOUT SMALL BUG MAN
AND NOBODY CARE!

JEREMY RENNER
Of course, if you want to know why we're even assaulting this fortress, you should watch 41
hours of Agents of SHIELD to see the 65 seconds at the end of Season 2, Episode 19 where
Cobie Smulders holy shit this bubble is going to burst really soon, isn't it?

ROBERT shoots a MISSILE at the fortress that fails to penetrate its FORCEFIELD, but then he
just SHOOTS THE FORCEFIELD because HYDRA never got around to watching RETURN
OF THE JEDI.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Alright guys, I'm inside the fortress. Have we figured out a justification for the nearly invincible
Norse god not to be doing this instead of me?

CHRIS EVANS

(over radio)

Yes, he's carrying Jeremy Renner back to the ship because he got injured. Damn Hawkeye still
sucks.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Perfect, I'll just go ahead and find...

(consults notes)

Loki's sceptre? Geeze, again?

ROBERT finds LOKI'S MIND-CONTROL SCEPTRE, pulsating with MIND CONTROL

POWER that will surely be put to EXCELLENT DRAMATIC USE.

Suddenly, AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON and ELIZABETH OLSEN sneak up behind him and
ELIZABETH users her powers of MIND CONTROL HOLY FUCK WHEDON THINK OF
SOMETHING ELSE.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

You have used vague powers to make metal man die, yes?

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Nyet, I see that allowing him to succeed vill ultimately cause destruction for moose and squirrel,
so I leave alone. Gave him nightmare for use in many trailer. Has broken Captain America shield
and everythink, fanboys will love.
The TEAM returns to NEW YORK about 4,000 MILES AWAY but that's at least a 3 HOUR
FLIGHT so...

IMMEDIATE SMASH CUT TO:

INT. AVENGERS TOWER - REAL NEW YORK CITY

ROBERT and MARK are doing SCIENCE with the MAGIC SCEPTRE while everyone else is
CONVENIENTLY IN ANOTHER ROOM.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Mark, this sceptre has a neural computer in it or some shit. I want to experiment with it, just give
me three days.

MARK RUFFALO

Why are you asking me? Hemsworth already said okay, though who the hell knows why...

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Look, you know how we've been trying to create a super advanced robot AI to protect the world
from aliens? Well, this technology from those exact same aliens, used by the leader of those
aliens to nearly destroy us all, might be the key to stopping future aliens! I'm going to load the
computer stuff and see what happens.

MARK RUFFALO

What?! Are you seriously the dipshit that finds a random USB key in your office parking lot and
immediately plugs it into your work computer?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Okay I ran not_a_virus.exe. Now let's go party, A.I. Paul Bettany can finish this up.

(leaves with Mark)

A.I. PAUL BETTANY, aware of Marvel's recent track record, dutifully makes countless
attempts to create a memorable, interesting new villain before finally deciding FUCK IT I'M
JUST GONNA STUFF JAMES SPADER'S AUDITION TAPE FOR "THE BLACKLIST"
INTO A MURDERBOT, STILL BETTER THAN FUCKING MALLAKESH.

INT. PARTY ROOM

ROBERT and MARK rejoin the others and drink and do cool AVENGERS STUFF together like
BEST BUDS as if it's NO BIG DEAL.
DON CHEADLE

Oh hey Robert, just wanted you to know that Anthony Mackie and I aren't sore at all being left
out of the HYDRA fight, after all he only took out a whole helicarrier by himself while I'm a
militarily-trained fighter with THE EXACT SAME SUIT AS YOU, DICK.

DON promptly FUCKS OFF out of the movie. Suddenly...

ROBOT JAMES SPADER

Greetings Avengers! I am an evil robot bent on the destruction of all humanity, but don't worry
about me being menacing or machine-like, I still do the whole sarcastic quip thing like the rest of
everyone Joss Whedon writes dialog for. Also I killed JARVIS in a ridiculous scene where two
different colored sets of blocks glowed at each other. Hollywood's grasp of technology is firmly
stuck in the 90's.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Oh no, but JARVIS is how I interact with my suits, he's how I process data, he runs pretty much
all aspects of my superheroing, without him I won't have an endless supply of lazy narrative
cheats just kidding, I've loaded up a replacement JARVIS and it's a girl.

Suddenly a bunch of BROKEN IRON MAN ROBOTS, now controlled by JAMES SPADER,
attack! They are dispatched effortlessly since their primary function was WALKING
VOICEMAIL MESSAGE.

ROBOT JAMES SPADER

Mwahaha, behold, the "Age of Ultron" has begun! It will last five days. "Work Week of Ultron"
didn't test well.

(flies away)

COBIE SMULDERS

Right. My job now is to hand people folders while walking, so here's a folder with a picture of
Andy Serkis in it. Go find him.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Serkis! He smuggles vibranium out of the fictional African nation of Wakanda! He uses it to
create counterfeit Best Actor Oscars since he can't get a real one - BOOM, you just got put on
blast Serkis, motion capture isn't real acting you punk bitch!

CHRIS EVANS
Then we have no choice but to abandon the America-centric locales of the first Avengers film
and travel to faraway, exotic lands, none of which actually exist! To Wakanadia!

INT. VIBRANIUM SMUGGLING FACILITY - FAKE AFRICA

CHRIS, OTHER CHRIS, and ROBERT all go to WAKANDA, which is the MOST
TECHNOLOGICALLY ADVANCED COUNTRY in the ENTIRE MARVEL UNIVERSE but
since it's in AFRICA it still has DIRT ROADS and tons of VIOLENT THUGS with MACHINE
GUNS. They confront ROBOT JAMES SPADER, who has already dismissed the ANDY
SERKIS CAMEO and enlisted the help of AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON and ELIZABETH
OLSEN.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Alright Spader, we're taking you down. As an engineer, your weirdly flexible chrome skin mouth
offends me. Fucking Transformers did robot mouths better, why do your lips even move?

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Not so vast! I am Qvicksilver, and have power of super-speed! As Days of Vuture Past show, I
am ludicrously owerpowered and can easily--

(knocks himself out)

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Behold, I am the Scarlet Witch, with the power to make Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen regret
every career decision they've ever made! Also brain stuff and red things!

ELIZABETH gives everyone NIGHTMARES or VISIONS or PROBABILITIES or

WHATEVER NEEDS TO HAPPEN. Suddenly MARK RUFFALO turns into GREEN MARK
RUFFALO because M-M-M-M-M-MIND CONTROL.

HULK RUFFALO

RAARRRGH HULK SEE FUTURE WHERE UNIVERSAL STILL OWN RIGHTS TO HULK
SOLO FILM! PLANET HULK OFF TABLE! HULK SMASH ENTIRE CITY!!!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Time to bring down my larger Iron Man suit that wraps around my normal Iron Man suit like a
hilarious Russian doll but nobody is going to laugh because all the sweaty neckbeards in the
audience are squealing "HULKBUSTERRRRR" right now!

ROBERT and MARK proceed to MAN OF STEEL their way through DOWNTOWN
WAKANDA.
CHADWICK BOSEMAN

(not present)

Eventually ROBERT throws an ENTIRE BUILDING at MARK so he takes a NAP.

INT. QUINJET

COBIE SMULDERS

So yeah, everyone's pretty upset how you annihilated that city. But just give it a few days until
that fuckawful Supergirl TV trailer comes out and HOO BOY, this little mess will be forgotten
faster than Terrence Howard.

JEREMY RENNER

We can all hide out at my private farm! I've kept it totally under the radar by making Hawkeye
so boring and useless people would forget all about me. And hey, worst case, my whole family
dies.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

I wouldst love to, but I wilt find Stellan Skarsgård so he may help me find a pool... that gives...
uh, visions? Apologies, the whole of this subplot clearly wound up on the cutting room floor and
everyone just gaveth up, is there a Razzie for Worst Editing?

The team dick around on the FARM for a while. Upstairs, MARK has just finished scrubbing the
green paint from behind his ears when SCARLETT walks in.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I need to tell you something Mark. As a child I was brainwashed and psychologically tortured to
become an unfeeling killing machine. My humanity was stripped away and as a final insult, they
performed invasive surgery against my will. So what I'm saying is that I have terrible deep-
seated scars that, like many victims, lead me to feel bad about myself.

MARK RUFFALO

Wow, that's some deep shit to be dropping into a popcorn escapist blockbuster. We'd better be
real careful how we --

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I HAVE NO WOMB WHO'S THE MONSTER NOW

MARK RUFFALO
Aww fuck, let's abruptly change the subject - hey I bet Spader is going to Korea to have Claudia
Kim build him a vibranium-skinned body!

CHRIS EVANS

What the fudge?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Just go with it, Joss Whedon was told to cut four hours out of this movie, you're lucky we still
say complete sentences.

INT. MEDICAL RESEARCH FACILITY - EAST KOREA

ROBOT JAMES SPADER has convinced CLAUDIA KIM to join his ranks through convincing
argument or perhaps he's got her family held hostage and is demanding she comply or NAH
FUCK IT MMMMMMMMMIND CONTROL AGAIN.

CLAUDIA KIM

Your new robot body is being synthesized. It's purple for some reason, and it looks like Paul
Bettany who was announced as Vision and has been providing the voice of JARVIS for five
movies, gosh, I wonder what will happen.

JAMES SPADER

Perfect, soon I will be able to use this body to finish my master plan to destroy the planet using a
device that doesn't depend on my having this body in any way!

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Did you say destroy planet? I am part of planet, so I am Avenger now.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Da, I am also Avenger now, who could guess red-eyed robot voiced by creepy actor is bad guy?

Suddenly SPADER'S UPLOAD of his brain into PURPLE PAUL BETTANY is CANCELLED
as HALF OF THE AVENGERS show up. There's an extended MATRIX RELOADED CAR
CHASE that ends with SPADER getting away with SCARLETT and THE AVENGERS getting
PURPLE PAUL BETTANY.

CHRIS EVANS

Well, we prevented Krang here from getting a new body and we lost the only female member,
but we've added three new Avengers to the roster, so I'd say this was a net win for Hasbro.
JEREMY RENNER

Oh good, just what this franchise needed, more superheroes. Let's turn that mailbox into a
superhero too. Maybe this hubcap?

The TEAM returns to NEW YORK about 6,800 MILES AWAY but that's at least a 4.5 HOUR
FLIGHT so...

IMMEDIATE SMASH CUT TO:

INT. AVENGERS TOWER - NEW YORK CITY

ROBERT and MARK are doing SCIENCE with the MAGIC ROBOT while everyone else is
CONVENIENTLY IN ANOTHER ROOM.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Mark, this robot has an infinity stone in it or some shit. I want to experiment with it, just give me
three hours.

MARK RUFFALO

Wait, what's happening right now?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Look, you know how we've been trying to create a super advanced team to protect the world
from murderous robots? Well, this technology from those exact same robots, used by the leader
of those robots to nearly destroy us all, might be the key to stopping future robots! I'm going to
turn it on and see what happens.

MARK RUFFALO

This feels really familiar...

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Okay I'm running not_a_murderbot.exe. Now let's go party--

CHRIS EVANS

Not so fast! Just what do you think you're doing, Robert? What on Earth makes this different
than the last time you did this? No, seriously, can you explain it? I feel like something got cut out
again and I'm lost.

MARK RUFFALO
It's different because the gem is yellow instead of blue, Chris! Holy shit, I'm defending this? This
is so contrived.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

I vill use super-speed to stop from happening!

JEREMY RENNER

Not if I have anything to say about it! Wait, I'm in favor of this too? And did I just use a bullet
instead of an arrow? What the hell is going on here?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(flying in)

VERILY I KNOW NOT WHAT THE FUCK STAGE YOUR EXPERIMENT HAS REACHED
BUT I'M GONNA JUST ELECTROCUTE SHIT AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS!!!

(zaps every fucking thing)

PURPLE PAUL BETTANY pops out!

PURPLE PAUL BETTANY

Have no fear, Avengers. I only got the good parts of Spader, and the good parts of the mind gem.
And maybe JARVIS? Also I can fly because robot stuff. And hell, I can just make a cape appear
on me, why the fuck not?

CHRIS EVANS

So are you a good robot? Your eyes aren't red so my guess is that you are.

PURPLE PAUL BETTANY

I don't think it's that simple, but yes it's that simple I'm totally good. Let's kill Ultron! With
kindness! And head lasers.

JEREMY RENNER

Excuse me, Scarlett just tapped two wires together half a world away, it seems Ultron has
returned to the only other location we've been to in this movie! Wow, how did we not think to
look there? Anyway, he has an army of robots and we have to stop him.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

So just like last time, we have to fight a huge army of weak henchmen in the middle of a big
city? Is it time to admit that the MCU has matured past the capabilities of Joss Whedon now?

CHRIS EVANS

This is different. Last time it was an army of actual living, breathing aliens, which somehow all
died when we blew up the central ship. This time, it's actual machines, which you'd expect to
shut down if we killed Spader, but in fact have to be dealt with individually.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Before we go, can I change out of gym clothes? No, I wear track suit for rest of movie because I
am Russian?

EXT. DOWNTOWN FAKE EUROPE

JAMES SPADER has used the VIBRANIUM to build a giant JET PACK for the city of
SOKOSLOVAKIASTAN, which is now floating in midair.

CHRIS EVANS

Alright Avengers, it's time for the brain-numbing action climax that plays out almost identically
to every other Marvel movie. Hemsworth, I need you to go away for a while so that nobody
remembers how you could effortlessly just electrocute all of these robots and end this battle.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

The usual, understood.

(leaves)

CHRIS EVANS

Mark, go find Scarlett Johansson. James Spader left her alive for absolutely no reason, it's
ridiculous.

MARK RUFFALO

On it. And I promise I won't turn green, I'll just grab Scarlett and we'll move away and live
together and not help stop the world from being destroyed. Superheroes!

(leaves)

CHRIS EVANS
Robert, I need you to fly around pointlessly and explain over and over what Spader's plan is until
it stops sounding idiotic.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Yes sir! He's going to lift up this entire city and then drop it and kill the planet and I've got my
work cut out for me, huh?. You sure you wouldn't rather I just detonate an EMP and end all this?
Whatever.

(leaves)

CHRIS EVANS

The rest of you, come with me. Priority one is to get the civilians to safety. You hear that, Zack
Snyder? This whole third act is a big fat middle finger to you.

JAMES SPADERBOT

BWAH HA! Tremble before my awesome new vibranium body, which appears to be exactly as
strong and resilient as my previous body!

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Is just me or is crazy that darker, more mature Avengers movie still has no stakes because
nobody die?

Suddenly CHRIS EVANS, ROBERT DOWNEY JR., SCARLETT JOHANSSON, JEREMY

RENNER, DON CHEADLE, ANTHONY MACKIE, PAUL BETTANY, and ELIZABETH
OLSEN are confirmed for CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR. MARK RUFFALO rumored.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Oh.

(dies)

You did not see this coming? Crap, I have 5 lines in movie and two are same. I've been
Hawkeye'd.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Noooooooo my brother is dead!

JEREMY RENNER
Oh like Sebastian Stan from Captain America? Or Clark Gregg from Avengers? Or Gwyneth
Paltrow from Iron Man 3? Or Tom Hiddleston from Thor 2? Or Sam Jackson from Captain
America 2? Or Vin Diesel from Guardians of the Galaxy?

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Nyet, actually dead. Like "we can't top X-Men's Quicksilver so fuck it" dead.

CHRIS EVANS

Okay but we can obviously revive him with Project TAHITI which was specifically developed to
"revive fallen Avengers". Or we could use Thanos's time gem and undo it. Or we could upload
his consciousness into a computer, a robot, or a life model decoy. These are all actually things.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Holy hell comic books are asinine, why are people acting like we're not watching the death
throes of filmmaking?

Everyone gathers in the middle of the city to play TOWER DEFENSE with an onslaught of
robots that ELIZABETH OLSEN could instantly vaporize with her mind. Eventually, all of the
robots are dead except JAMES SPADER. Then JAMES SPADER is too! Maybe!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

The day is won! Now I must away to collect my deleted scenes and rework them into Thor 3!

GREEN MARK RUFFALO

HULK FLY JET AWAY BUT NOT INTO STARS! PLANET HULK NOT HAPPENING,
STOP TWEETING PUNY MARK RUFFALO!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

I've decided to retire as Iron Man, once again. Perhaps I'll go into politics, wink wink, franchise
building.

CHRIS EVANS assembles a team of NEW AVENGERS consisting of ANTHONY MACKIE,

DON CHEADLE, SCARLETT JOHANSSON, ELIZABETH OLSEN, and PURPLE PAUL
BETTANY.

CHRIS EVANS

Okay, I got two black guys, two women, and a robot. That should keep the bleeding-heart pinko
Commies satisfied... until this team horribly fucks up and starts the Civil War, of course!
(deep breath)

Avengers... assem--

END

JOSS WHEDON winks so hard that his eyeball breaks. After some credits...

JOSH BROLIN

Mwa-ha-ha, I am Thanos and my movie doesn't come out until 2018. Will you be able to see the
payoff to all of these stupid teases, or will superhero fatigue set in after the releases of Ant-Man,
Fantastic Four, Deadpool, Batman 5 Superman, Captain America 3 aka Avengers 2.5, X-Men
Apocalypse, Suicide Squad with Marilyn Manson as The Joker, Gambit starring Magic Mike,
Doctor Strange starring Khan, Wolverine 3, Guardians of the Galaxy 2, Wonder Woman maybe,
Spider-Man reboot reboot, Fantastic Four 2 yes really, Thor 3, Justice League, and the Flash
movie that isn't affiliated with the TV show? You're all doomed! DOOOOOMED!

END

Nothing else happens after the credits. People look pissed.

END