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Invaders From Planet XXX - The Screenplay
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Back in the early 2000s I was approached to write a screenplay for a juvenile, 1980s style sex comedy. The only instructions I were given were that it feature sexy alien ladies on the prowl for male victims, and that it contain ample female nudity. Being who I am, the first thing I decided was that one of the two main characters – a pair of overstimulated young men in their early twenties – would be gay, essentially undermining the entire premise. Then I just dove in, writing the entire thing over a couple of weekends in two long sessions, one draft. The end result is absurd, ridiculous, about as politically incorrect as you'd imagine, and, at times, kind of hilarious. It ain't art, but when the movie went unproduced, the producer vanished without paying me, and the rights reverted back to yours truly, I figured it would be nice if someone got to see it. So here it is, in all its non-glory: Invaders From Planet XXX. That's not the original title, by the way. The original title, supplied by someone in the producer's camp, was even sillier. Presented in an approximation of screenplay format, so be ready for that. The nifty-keen cover art comes courtesy of user prettysleepy1, via Pixabay. One last thing: try not to be too offended. This script was inspired by the early 1980s. It was a very different time.
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Invaders From Planet XXX - The Screenplay - Brad D. Sibbersen
Table of Contents
Invaders From Planet XXX - The Screenplay
©2009 Brad D. Sibbersen. All rights reserved. No portion of this publication may be reproduced or distributed in any manner whatsoever without the express written consent of the publisher, save for brief passages quoted in the context of reviews or scholarly works. This screenplay is a work of fiction. All elements are creations of the author, or are used fictitiously. No similarity between any institution, product, or individual, living or dead, is intended or should be inferred, and if such exists is purely coincidental.
1. EXT., SPACE (NIGHT, AS IF IT MATTERS)
Slowly, ponderously, a majestic starcraft enters the
starfield, moving elegantly against the backdrop of stars and
planets. The ship is covered with blinking lights and
several portholes, also lit, are visible. It is an awe
inspiring sight.
2. INT., SHIP, NIGHT
A beautiful girl, Juliet, stands near a clearly-marked fuel
vat, attempting to use the reflective surface of another vat
to dry her hair with an Earth-style hair dryer. Suddenly it
slips from her hands and falls in the open vat. There is a
bright flash and everything goes dark.
3. EXT. SPACE
The elegant ship suddenly lurches drunkenly, shudders, and
stops. All of the lights go out.
JULIET
Captain! I did it again!
4. TITLE SEQUENCE:
TALES THAT WILL CRACK YOUR NERVES LIKE A WHIP PRESENTS:
INVADERS FROM PLANET XXX!
5. EXT., SPACE
The ship floats dead in space.
6. INT., SHIP, NIGHT
Four beautiful alien girls, in cliched space outfits that
look like something out of an old sci-fi movie, are gathered
around a starchart. The girl who dropped the hair dryer,
Juliet, is there, as is the Captain, Desdemona. The others
are bespectacled science officer Tina and security officer
Beth. While the other three girls seem concerned about their
current predicament, Juliet is not even paying attention,
instead dancing around to music on her headphones. Desdemona
angrily pulls the headphones off.
DESDEMONA
Stop wasting power!
Juliet pouts.
DESDEMONA
"Ladies, the situation is grim.
There are only two planets our
impulse power will allow us to
reach..."
Desdemona points to a point on the starchart marked "Planet
X".
DESDEMONA
This is the first...
JULIET
"There's actually a planet called
'Planet X'? That's ridiculous."
BETH
"That's Planet Ten, you brain-dead
bimbo."
DESDEMONA
"That's enough. Planet Ten is not
believed to support life. However,
our second option [she points to
the chart], here, does support life
that is not only carbon-based, but
humanoid in nature. We should be
able to easily metabolize the fuel
we need by... borrowing what we
need from the locals."
BETH
(smirking)
"And if their male gender is as
easily manipulated as ours, this
should be a snap!"
TINA
What is this planet?
Dramatic zoom into Desdemona as she grins evilly.
DESDEMONA
The locals call it... Mars.
Desdemona glances at the chart again.
DESDEMONA
"Oh, sorry, 'Earth'. They call it
'Earth'."
7. EXT., EARTH, A FARM SOMEWHERE IN FLORIDA, NIGHT.
Two rednecks, Earl and Daryl, stand in a field. Earl is
obviously having relations with the rear end of a sheep that
is just viable in the frame. Daryl video tapes him.
EARL
You gittin' this?
DARYL
Relax, I got the 'night vision' on.
EARL
"Woooo-heeee! Jest like Paris
Hilton!"
DARYL
(Concentrating)
"You sure yer puttin' it in the
right hole? You ain't fuckin' that
sheep Muslim style are ya?"
EARL
"I dunno - damn holes is so close
together it's hard t' tell."
DARYL
"Well you better be careful;
sodomy's illegal in this county."
Suddenly the two are briefly lit up by something bright in
the sky. They look up and follow its journey across the
horizon in awe. Daryl remembers at the last moment to try to
catch some of it on tape. After a few moments, the light is
gone.
EARL
Did you see that?
DARYL
"It's like that story 'The Colour
Out of Space'..."
EARL
"What? Where'd you hear somethin'
like that?"
DARYL
I read it in a book!
EARL
(Going back to work on the
sheep)
A book! You are a goddamned queer!
SHEEP
Baaaaaaa!
8. EXT., EARTH, MAKEOUT POINT, NIGHT.
A car is parked at makeout point, shaking back and forth as
the unseen couple ravage each other. Suddenly it, too, is
briefly lit up by the bright, falling light in the sky. We
see the guy in the car, Tyler True, for the first time when
he sits up in surprise:
TYLER
Did you see that??!
Tyler's partner sits up as well and we realize he, Keith, is
also a male. This is a gay couple!
KEITH
See what?
TYLER
"It looked like a meteor or
something- it landed just over the
hill! We should go check it out!"
KEITH
"Have you ever seen a movie in your
entire life? Forget it."
The couple goes back to making out.
9. INT., A CALL CENTER, DAY
We pan across several people in business casual wear chatting
on the phone. This is obviously a call center for
troubleshooting some sort of computer issues, as evidenced
from the snippets
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