Skills for Families, Skills for Life

Preventing Abuse

Understanding and Avoiding Physical Abuse of Children

 Discuss what constitutes physical abuse with your family consultant/
practitioner.

 Assess your (and your partner’s) relationship with your children: Do either of
you ever hit, slap, shake, pinch, or otherwise physically harm your children?

 Assess your children’s physical well-being: Do they ever have bruises or other
physical injuries that they will not or cannot explain? Are there adults or other
children they avoid or do not want to be left alone with?

 Identify your “hot” buttons – which behaviors of your children or events in

your life trigger your anger?

 Write down a list of nonviolent ways that could help you cope with those hot
buttons and stay calm – calling a friend, taking a walk, deep breathing, washing
your face with cool water, asking a trustworthy relative or friend to watch your
child for a while.

 Create a plan for how you will keep your children safe if you feel they are
threatened with physical violence from you, your partner, or anyone else.

 Identify another family member or friend who could take and safely supervise
your children in an emergency and talk to him or her about how and when
you might ask for such assistance.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Preventing Abuse

Understanding and Avoiding Emotional

Abuse of Children
 Discuss what constitutes emotional abuse with your family consultant/
practitioner.

 Assess your (and your partner’s) relationship with your children: Do you
engage in screaming, name-calling, threatening, blaming, accusing, or
excessive criticizing of your children?

 Recognize what circumstances or behaviors trigger your anger.

 Balance criticism with praise by looking for the good things your children
do and complimenting those behaviors often.

 Don’t expect your children’s behavior to be “perfect:” Set reasonable

expectations for them based on their age and abilities.

 Recognize your children’s need to be loved, nurtured, touched, and

accepted by you.

 Write down a plan for how you will calm down and stay in control when
you have to deal with your children in an emotional situation.

 Identify another family member or friend who could take and safely supervise
your children when you feel your emotions are out of control and you need
a break.

 If you do lose control and say something to your child that you regret,
apologize and say what you will do differently in the future.

 Consider taking a parenting class to learn effective methods of self-control

and discipline.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Preventing Abuse

Teaching Children about Appropriate Touch

 Prepare for the discussion by getting information about personal body safety
and how to discuss sensitive issues. Look for resources at the library, school,
child welfare office, or public health department.

 Choose a time and place that is convenient and safe for you and the child.
 Talk about the child’s body and his or her right to protect it from others.
 Describe what parts of the body are private (the parts covered by a swimsuit).
 Explain the difference between acceptable and unacceptable touches from
others.

 Set clear boundaries for what is appropriate touch and inappropriate touch in
your family.

 Tell the child how he or she should respond if someone uses inappropriate
touch.

 Answer or clarify any questions the child may have.

 Listen and respond accordingly if the child chooses to disclose any information
about being inappropriately touched.

 Occasionally, review the issue of appropriate touch with the child.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Preventing Abuse

Setting Boundaries
 Explain what personal boundaries are and why they are necessary. Personal
boundaries are the limits people set to protect their bodies and belongings from
others. A person’s boundaries determine how close others can come to that
person, and give people the right to keep others from touching them, taking
something from them, or invading their privacy without permission.

 Define what types of activities would be appropriate and what activities would
violate personal boundaries.

 Set clear rules for respecting other people’s boundaries regarding the body and
personal belongings. For example, set rules for when and where to get dressed,
bathing, using appropriate language, borrowing clothes, and touching others.

 Explain that it is okay for a child to say “No” if another child or adult tries to
violate his or her personal boundaries.

 Explain the consequences for breaking the rules and violating someone’s
personal boundaries.

 Help your child maintain boundaries by not allowing relatives and friends to
force physical affection (hugs, kisses) on the child if he or she doesn’t want
them to.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Preventing Abuse

Monitoring Children in the Presence

of a Potential Perpetrator
 Set clear boundaries for the child ahead of time. Consider boundaries for
hugs or touches, staying in sight of a safe adult, and appropriate conversation.

 Stand or sit where you can see and hear any interactions between the child
and the potential perpetrator.

 Take action if the child or the perpetrator crosses any boundary that may
pose a danger to the child.

 After a visit, ask the child if there was a time when the potential perpetrator
made him or her feel unsafe or uncomfortable. If so, respond accordingly.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Preventing Abuse

Locating Registered Sex Offenders

 On a home or library computer, go to a website such as the Department of
Justice National/State Sex Offender Registry at fbi.gov/hq/cid/cac/registry.
htm or familywatchdog.us and do a search of the registry using your state,
address, and zip code.

 Note the addresses of registered sex offenders in your neighborhood and

other areas frequented by your children.

 Make a plan to keep your children away from the area around an offender’s
residence or make sure children are accompanied by an adult when in the
vicinity.

 Check with the local police about what additional steps you should take to
protect your children.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Preventing Abuse

Asking Children about Personal Safety

 Choose a convenient time for you and the child to talk.
 Choose a place where the conversation cannot be overheard by others.
 Ask the child if he or she ever feels unsafe, has been touched inappropriately,
or has been physically harmed by someone else.

 If the child is bruised or shows signs of other physical injury, ask how he or
she was injured.

 Give the child examples of different kinds of unsafe situations to make sure
he or she understands what types of situations you are asking about.

 Explain the difference between appropriate and inappropriate touches.

 Listen to the child.
 Ask questions to get more information if the child talks about feeling unsafe,
being touched inappropriately, or being abused.

 Respond to any of the child’s disclosures with openness and acceptance.

Do not get defensive or make the child feel that he or she is to blame.

 Thank the child for being willing to talk with you.

 Encourage the child to come to you any time he or she feels unsafe or anytime
someone harms him or her. Convey to the child that you want to keep him or
her safe.

 Occasionally ask the child about her or his sense of personal safety.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Preventing Abuse

Responding to a Child’s Disclosure about Abuse

 If child discloses any information about current or past sexual or physical
abuse, take time to listen to what the child is saying.

 Arrange to talk with the child in a safe and comfortable location.

 Assure the child that you can be trusted and that you will protect him or
her from future harm.

 Tell the child the abuse was not his or her fault, and that he or she did the
right thing in telling you.

 To the extent that the child is willing and able to talk, ask the child questions
about the incident(s). Find out who was involved, and where and when the
incident(s) occurred.

 Listen to the child’s account with acceptance and reassurance. Avoid making
statements that might make the child feel responsible or at fault for what
has happened.

 Make a plan for keeping the child away from the accused perpetrator.
 Determine whether the police should be notified immediately. If so, call
the police.

 Seek advice and support from a professional to find out what else you should
do to protect your child (contact a therapist, family doctor, school counselor,
and/or child protective services).

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Preventing Abuse

Reporting Abuse
 Listen, without judgment, when a child wants to talk about any inappropriate
touch, sexual advance, or physical assault made by another person. With young
children, look for any physical signs that might indicate that the child has been
sexually or physically abused.

 Ask questions to help you determine and understand when, where, and how
the abuse occurred, and who was involved.

 Contact the appropriate authorities immediately; this could be a therapist, child

protective services, and/or the police.

 With the help of the authorities, determine if the child needs immediate
medical attention or a medical exam.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Preventing Abuse

Seeking Support When Dealing with Abuse

 Check out options for obtaining help or support. Check whether these options
are available: sexual or physical abuse survivors’ groups, counseling, a trusted
friend who will respond without judgment, and/or a religious leader.

 Decide with whom you would feel most comfortable and confident discussing
the abuse.

 Talk with the person.

 Choose more than one person to talk with, if necessary.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Preventing Abuse

Establishing a Safety Plan

 Choose a safe place and a convenient time for you and the child to talk.
 Discuss the importance of protecting oneself and having a plan if someone
makes a person feel unsafe.

 Tell the child what he or she should do if he or she feels unsafe. This can
include yelling for help, running away, immediately telling a trusted adult
what happened, never keeping secrets, and not talking to strangers.

 Decide on a special “password” the child can use to tell you that he or she
needs help immediately without someone else knowing.

 Practice the safety plan to make sure the child knows what to do.
 Occasionally check with the child to make sure he or she remembers the
safety plan.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Preventing Abuse

Understanding Domestic Violence

 Understand that physical violence is never an appropriate response to problems
between spouses, partners, or parents and children, and that the recipient of the
assault should not be “blamed” for the violence.

 Understand that children are damaged from witnessing physical violence in

the home even if they are not assaulted themselves.

 Any spouse or partner with anger or violence issues should be encouraged to

seek counseling to learn how to release anger and solve problems nonviolently.

 Learn about the cycle of domestic violence by going to the website,

domesticviolence.org, and download the violence chart.

 Understand that an abuser may deny the abuse, blame the victim, promise
never to abuse again, give gifts, etc., but the cycle can occur hundreds
of times in an abusive relationship.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home

 Skills for Families, Skills for Life
Preventing Abuse

Responding to Domestic Violence

 If you are in an abusive relationship, develop a personalized safety plan: collect
emergency numbers and program them on your cell phone, ask neighbors to
call the police if they hear angry or violent noises, teach children to call 911,
plan and practice ways to get out of the house, gather things you might need in
an emergency (money, keys, important papers, extra clothes for you and the
children, etc.,) and store them in a private location outside the home.

 If you or your children have been or are in imminent danger of being physically
assaulted, call 911 for police assistance.

 If you and your children need a safe place (shelter) to go to escape or avoid
domestic violence, call the police, a local hotline, or the National Domestic
Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

 Contact an attorney or a local legal aid society if you wish to seek a personal
protection order or restraining order against an abuser.

 If you decide to leave an abusive relationship or if the abuser has already left,
plan carefully for the safety of you and your children. Consult with your family
consultant/practitioner, a counselor, or a specialist at a domestic violence
hotline to help you create your plan.

© 2010, Father Flanagan’s Boys’ Home