Mad Hatters Tea Party

ALICE Excuse me? Which way do I go?

CHESHIRE CAT: Any way, really.

ALICE: Answer properly.

CHESHIRE CAT: Well read the signs.

The CAT shows her one of his signs. It reads ‘H R TEA’

Look. Heart.

ALICE But that doesn’t say Heart.

CHESHIRE CAT Yes it does.

ALICE It says H.R. TEA.

CHESHIRE CAT: Spells Heart.

ALICE: But it doesn’t.

CHESHIRE CAT: It does if you want it to.

ALICE: Where do I get to if I follow it?

CHESHIRE CAT: Exactly as it says – tea with the Hatter.

ALICE: It’s short for Hatter Tea.

CHESIRE CAT Yes my darling

ALICE: You’re smiling.

CHESHIRE CAT: I can’t help it, I’m a Cheshire Cat.

HATTER So there am I, standing on a chair in front of the Queen, no less.

HARE No less, no more.

HATTER The Queen! Demanding I sing her a song! I opened my mouth and out came the
most dreadful thing.

Twinkle twinkle little bat!

HARE A dreadful thing!

DORMOUSE Twinkle twinkle....

HATTER Stamped on my pocket watch in disgust, she did. I'm lucky to have escaped with
my head.

CHESIRE CAT I could hardly afford to lose my head.

HATTER Six o'clock, time for tea. Wait, who's there?

DORMOUSE Who is it? Whose there?

HATTER A spy...

HARE A spy - good gracious!

ALICE I'm not a spy - I promise, I'm just looking for - Are you the Hatter and the Hare?

HATTER A spy from the Queen.

ALICE I'm not, I promise. Oh it’s you again, the cat?

CHESIRE CAT Who me?

ALICE Yes, you told me to come here, I'm just looking for the middle, the centre. Of, I'm,
Wonderland. Is there, like a door here somewhere?

HATTER A door?! When's a door not a door?

ALICE When it's ajar. That's really old.

DORMOUSE A jar of jam.

HATTER No jam! No jam!

CHESHIRE CAT If you don't know where you are going, any road can take you there.

HATTER Are you sure you're not the Queen's spy? You do look awfully like her.

HARE She does look awfully like her.

ALICE I've never even met the Queen!

HARE Nasty, vicious temper she's got.

CHESHIRE CAT I went to her hunting party once, I didn’t like it. Terrible people. They all
started hunting me!

HATTER Awh poor thing. Turns direction to Alice Don't they teach you manners at spy
school?

ALICE School's not supposed to teach you manners, that's for your parents - school's for
maths and stuff.

HATTER Maths? Can you do addition?

DORMOUSE What's one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one
and one?

ALICE I don't know, I lost count.

HARE She can't do addition.

HATTER Do you know your ABC?

ALICE Yeah, I'm not a baby.

DORMOUSE Do you know languages?

HATTER What's French for 'ecky thump?

ALICE 'Ecky thump isn't even proper English. I don't know what it means.

HATTER The Queen's spy would know what it means.

DORMOUSE Meaning?

HATTER She is quite safe. Look at that - six o'clock. Time for tea.

ALICE Am I right, though - is this the middle? I’ve just been wandering around and I think
I’m lost now

HARE Tis the place where all roads meet.

CHESHIRE CAT And not all who wander are lost.

ALICE if there isn't a door, is there a shoot or something, maybe - like a magic portal or –

DORMOUSE have some more tea, dear boy.

ALICE I haven't had any yet. So I can't have more, can I? If I'm in the right place, then what
do I do? Make-A-Wish and touch the teapot?

HATTER Talks to himself mad, you see.

CHESHIRE CAT We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.

ALICE I'm actually a girl, by the way.

HATTER Nice cup of tea and no need to worry about anything.

ALICE Could I have a bit of bread and some jam?

HATTER Jam?

HARE Jam?

DORMOUSE A jar of jam?

HATTER There is no jam here, dear boy.

HARE All jam property of the Queen!

CHESIRE CAT I like jam, I never got involved in politics.

HATTER Anyone found the contraband jam will be beheaded!

DORMOUSE with his own teaspoon!

DORMOUSE Strawberry jam, apricot jam... blackcurrant jam...

ALICE Paper jam?

DORMOUSE Goosberry jam...

ALICE How about traffic jam?

DORMOUSE Rhubarb jam....

ALICE Why does the Queen need all the jam?

HATTER For the tarts, of course.

HARE Only the Queen can make tarts.

HATTER By which we mean only the Queen is clever enough to make tarts.

CHESIRE CAT No one can, even if they think they can get away with it.

ALICE Jam tarts? Jam tarts are easy.

HATTER She's luring us. This is a trap, don't fall into it. I was a hatter, you know. They
came from miles around for my hats. One blow from the Queen's stiletto and goodbye to all
that.

CHESIRE CAT Goodbye, sweet hat.

DORMOUSE Ginger jam.....

Hatter shows Alice his watch.

ALICE She stamped on your watch?

HATTER I made her very angry.

CHESIRE CAT We are all victims in-waiting.

ALICE She doesn't sound very nice, the Queen. When was this?

DORMOUSE Last March - just before he went mad

HATTER Oh look - six o'clock: time for tea!

HARE Move round, move round!

ALICE Haven't you just had your tea?

HATTER If it's six o'clock, it's time for tea.

CHESIRE CAT It’s always tea time.

ALICE So this thing with the Queen happened last March and you've been having tea ever
since, you've been stuck.

HARE My head hurts.

HATTER Holds his watch to the Hare's head Time's a great healer. What say we change the
subject? I vote the young chap tells a story.

ALICE I'm actually a girl, I did say –

HARE I'd love a story.

HATTER and HARE Wake up, Dormouse!

HARE We demand a story!

DORMOUSE Once upon a time there was a......

Falls asleep again.

DORMOUSE Once upon a time there was a......

HATTER Spit it out quickly, before you fall asleep again, there's a good chap.

DORMOUSE Once upon a time there was a little boy and his name was Joe and he lived at
the bottom of a well.

CHESIRE CAT Well, well here's a story.

HARE What did he live on?

DORMOUSE he lived on treacle.

ALICE Treacle?

DORMOUSE Treacle.

ALICE You can't live on treacle, you'd be sick.

DORMOUSE So he was. Very sick.

ALICE Why was he at the bottom of the well?

DORMOUSE It was a treacle well.

ALICE No such thing!

DORMOUSE If you can't listen properly, you better finish the story for yourself.

ALICE No, please go on please.

DORMOUSE He was learning to draw.

ALICE What did he draw?

DORMOUSE Treacle.

HATTER You can't draw treacle.

CHESIRE CAT Stories are a part of imagination and imagination is the only weapon in the
war with reality

HATTER I want to clean cut! Move around, move round!

HARE Move round, round!

ALICE What about the story?

DORMOUSE I wasn't asleep you know.

ALICE Please tell the rest of the story. About Joe.

DORMOUSE Joe?

ALICE Who lived in a well?

DORMOUSE Joe

ALICE A treacle well?

DORMOUSE Treacle, strawberry jam

ALICE Right. This is just nonsense, isn't it? You're just spouting rubbish

DORMOUSE Twinkle Twinkle twinkle twinkle

HATTER Look at that 6 o'clock. Time for tea.

HARE Move round, move round!

ALICE You're a broken, you're stuck.

CHESIRE CAT The proper order of things is often a mystery to me.

HATTER You must have something to eat.

ALICE I don't want anything, I'm very upset.

CHESIRE CAT Time is a great healer, you know.

HATTER Look 6 o'clock time for tea. So there am I, standing on a chair in front of the
Queen, no less.

HARE No less, no more.

HATTER The Queen! Demanding I sing her a song!