SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS

Season 10 Spec Script

"Krabs University"

Written by

David Halle

11405 Chandler Boulevard

Unit 413
North Hollywood, CA 91601
703-474-3448
[email protected]
David Halle - SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS - "Krabs University" 1.

INT. MR. KRABS’ HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - MORNING

Mr. Krabs snaps a PHOTO of Pearl as she is about to head out

the door. She is in a nice new outfit, with a backpack.

MR. KRABS
I can’t believe me little angel is
finally off to college!

PEARL
Spleesh, Dad, take a chill pill.
I’m just going cross town to Bikini
Bottom U. Go fightin’ fish hooks!

MR. KRABS
Still, this is the day every parent
dreams of: When their babies don’t
need allowance no more! (LAUGH)

PEARL
Oh, that reminds me, did you write
my tuition check?

MR. KRABS
Er... Your what now?

PEARL
My tuition check? For college?
I’ve got the bill right here.

Pearl hands Mr. Krabs a SHEET OF PAPER. He takes one look,

turns white, screams till his eyes explode like balloons.

MR. KRABS
All this for four lousy years!?

PEARL
Actually, that’s just the first six
months.

EXT. MR. KRABS’ HOUSE - SAME

Mr. Krabs’ SCREAM shakes the house till it crumbles to bits!

INT. BIKINI BOTTOM HOSPITAL - LATER

Pearl and Purple Doctorfish are at Mr. Krabs’ side as he lies

in a hospital bed, hooked to a heart-monitor.

DOCTORFISH
He’ll be okay, but he’s suffered a
severe shock.
David Halle - SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS - "Krabs University" 2.

MR. KRABS
How can I be okay, when that school
of yours is gonna bankrupt me?

PEARL
Sorry, Dad. Guess I won’t be going-

MR. KRABS
Oh, no! No daughter of mine’s
gonna end up an uneducated
dunderhead, like some fish I know.

Mr. Krabs glances out the window. Below, SpongeBob runs

around like a fool, laughing and waving a JELLY-FISH NET.

MR. KRABS (CONT’D)

I just can’t believe the nerve of
that school to dunk me in the
boiling pot, like this.

PEARL
Yeah, folks will pay just about any
price for a good education.

MR. KRABS
Any price, eh? Pearl, I think I
know how to fund your tuition.

EXT. KRUSTY KRAB - STREET - DAY

SpongeBob and Squidward walk to work.

SPONGEBOB
I’m ready! I’m ready!

SQUIDWARD
I hate my life. I hate my life.

A FRISBEE hits Squidward in the head.

SQUIDWARD (CONT’D)
Ow! What in Neptune?

FRAT BRO FISH 1 (O.S.)

Sorry about that, bro!

A FRAT BRO FISH runs over, picks it up, throws it back to

other FRAT FISH playing nearby.

SQUIDWARD
What are all these young fish doing
here? They’re making me feel old
and infirmed.
David Halle - SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS - "Krabs University" 3.

SPONGEBOB
Oh Squidward, you’re as young as
you feel inside, see?

SpongeBob pulls open his CHEST CAVITY to reveal his HEART

wearing a DIAPER in a BABY CRIB, lets it snap closed.

SQUIDWARD
I did not need to see that.

As they approach the KRUSTY KRAB, their surroundings become

GREEN like a COLLEGE QUAD. COLLEGE FISH hang around, playing
and studying. They accidentally walk through a STUDY CIRCLE.

VALLEY GIRL FISH

Hey, get out of our study group!

SPONGEBOB
Oh, sorry miss!
(to Squidward)
You’re right, there are a lot of
young fish around. Maybe there’s
a concert at the skateboard store?

SQUIDWARD
Let’s just get to work so I can
forget the misery of my lost youth.
(looks up)
What the...?

REVEAL: The Krusty Krab has been remolded to resemble the

GREEK PARTHENON and the CLAM-SHELL SIGN has been repainted to
read “KRABS UNIVERSITY”. Mr. Krabs throws open the doors.
He now wears glasses and a tweed jacket with elbow patches.

MR. KRABS
Welcome to Krabs University!

SPONGEBOB
Wow! I want to go back to college!

MR. KRABS
This is better than going my boy,
because now you’re teaching at one!

SPONGEBOB
Me, a teacher? Oh, joy!

SQUIDWARD
Hah! What can SpongeBob possibly
teach? Giggling and acting stupid?

SPONGEBOB
Actually, that was my major.
David Halle - SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS - "Krabs University" 4.

MR. KRABS
Come, let me give you the “campus
tour”.

INT. KRUSTY KRAB - DINING AREA - CONTINUOUS

ROWS OF DESKS face a podium between STYROFOAM MARBLE COLUMNS.

MR. KRABS
This be the main lecture hall.

INT. KRUSTY KRAB - MR. KRABS’ OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Mr. Krabs’ office now has a cheap WOODEN DESK, patched-up old
EASY CHAIR, and tacky, fake DIPLOMAS on the walls.

MR. KRABS
Here’s the “Dean’s Office”.

INT. KRUSTY KRAB - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

The kitchen is filled with lumpy couches.

MR. KRABS
And this be the teacher’s lounge!
Pretty academic, eh?

SPONGEBOB
Sure, Mr. Krabs, but it’s a little
cramped for cooking Krabby Patties.

MR. KRABS
Oh, we don’t make Krabby Patties no
more. Now, we serve up something
far more expensive: Knowledge!

SPONGEBOB
No more Krabby Patties? But--

MR. KRABS
No “buts”, Professor SquarePants.
It’s time you took your unique
“SpongeBob-ery” and used it to fill
the young minds of tomorrow!

SPONGEBOB
Wow, that’s even better than
filling their bellies! I won’t let
you down, Dean Krabs!

Grinning, SpongeBob flies out through the ORDER WINDOW.

David Halle - SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS - "Krabs University" 5.

SQUIDWARD
Mr. Krabs, this is ridiculous.
SpongeBob and I aren’t teachers!

MR. KRABS
That doesn’t matter, Professor
Squidward. So long as those naive
simpletons shell out their fat
tuition payments, you can fill
their heads with whatever you want!

SQUIDWARD
You mean like painting? Music? Or
best of all, “artistic criticism”?

MR. KRABS
Sure, whatever you like. But,
maybe teach something useful, too.

All smiles, Squidward flies out after SpongeBob.

INT. AVERAGE HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Two YOUNG FISH watch TV as MR. KRABS’ COMMERCIAL comes on.

INSERT: KRABS UNIVERSITY COMMERCIAL - INTERCUT

Mr. Krabs stands outside the doors to the Krusty Krab.

MR. KRABS
Hey, you!

The young fish look at each other, point to themselves.

MR. KRABS (CONT’D)

Yes, you! Are you tired of being
dumb? Wish you could understand
fancy words like “Sheboygan”? Want
to shrink four long years of study
into four short weeks? Then come
to Krabs University, where your
education is our business!

Mr. Krabs enters the lecture hall where SpongeBob flips

burgers at the podium as STUDENTS scribble notes at desks.

MR. KRABS (CONT’D)

Choose from a variety of courses!
There’s patty flipping...

SpongeBob stuffs BUNS into a bag outside on the “quad”,

surrounded by a circle of students.
David Halle - SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS - "Krabs University" 6.

MR. KRABS (CONT’D)

...Bun bundling...

In the freezer, SpongeBob fishes in a PICKLE JAR to pull out

a PICKLE SLICE. He holds it in the air, his students cheer.

MR. KRABS (CONT’D)

...Pickle picking...

At the main podium, Squidward paints on a canvass. The

students either look bored or are asleep and drooling.

MR. KRABS (CONT’D)

Or you can throw your money away
and study the arts, I guess.

Group shot of Mr. Krabs, arms around SpongeBob and Squidward

in COMMENCEMENT ATTIRE, surrounded by smiling students.

MR. KRABS (CONT’D)

So come to Krabs University, where
the only thing you need to graduate-

ALL
IS MONEY!

EXT. BIKINI BOTTOM UNIVERSITY - DAY - ESTABLISHING

SANDY (V.O.)
Alright students, let’s get to it-

INT. BIKINI BOTTOM UNIVERSITY - CLASSROOM - SAME

SANDY writes “PROF. CHEEKS” on the chalk board.

SANDY
Open your text books to chapter
twenty-seven: “Thermal Dynamics”.

Sandy turns around to see Pearl is the only one in class.

SANDY (CONT’D)
What the-? Where’s all my pupils?

PEARL
Oh, they all went to my Dad’s lame
new “Krabs University”.

SANDY
So, why aren’t you there?
David Halle - SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS - "Krabs University" 7.

PEARL
He said I have to get a “real”
education. It’s okay, I didn’t
want to go, anyway...

SANDY
(HMM) I better investigate this.

INT. KRUSTY KRAB - DINING AREA - LATER

Sandy enters in the middle of SpongeBob’s lecture. Students

take rapid notes at their desks.

SPONGEBOB
I like to give my patties names
before I flip them. Like Peter,
Parson, or Patiniski. I never use
the same name twice.

SANDY
What the? This isn’t education.
This is just flim-flam!

She walks to the other side of the room, where students sleep
through Squidward’s painting class.

SQUIDWARD
It’s best to use broad strokes,
like this. See? Up and down.
Up... And down.

SANDY
Actually, this is a pretty accurate
art school. But still, I cannot
allow this bamboozlement to go on!

INT. KRUSTY KRAB - KRABS’ OFFICE - DAY

Mr. Krabs lies in a BATHTUB behind his desk, filled with

CASH. He splashes in it, rubs it on himself, smells it.

MR. KRABS
Oh me Money. I love ye so much.

Sandy enters, slams a BADGE onto Mr. Krabs’ desk. Mr. Krabs
shrieks, jumps into his desk chair.

SANDY
The jig is up, “Dean” Krabs!
I happen to be the Bikini Bottom
Commissioner of Education, and I’m
putting an end to this sham school.
David Halle - SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS - "Krabs University" 8.

MR. KRABS
Sham? This is a real university!

SANDY
Really? Cause I don’t see how
courses on “making faces” and
“blowing bubbles” are gonna help
your students find good careers.

MR. KRABS
No matter. These kids all signed
contracts! So, they’re mine.

SANDY
Yeah, I saw your “contracts”.
It says every student will receive
a “complete college education” in
four weeks. So, as a commissioner,
I’ll be giving them all a final
exam to prove it. And if just one
doesn’t pass, all these students
get their money back.

MR. KRABS
But, you can’t evaluate how much
they’ve learned with something as
impersonal as an “exam”. We only
give supportive grades here, like
“thinks well” or “needs hugs”.

SANDY
It’s either that, or I vacuum up
all these illegal gains right now.

Mr. Krabs groans, hangs his head in acceptance.

INT. KRUSTY KRAB - KITCHEN - LATER

SpongeBob and Squidward watch Mr. Krabs weep on the couch.

SPONGEBOB
Don’t cry, Mr. Krabs, we have time!
With our innovative teaching, I
guarantee they’ll all pass.

MR. KRABS
They better, or their tuitions are
coming out of your paychecks!

MUSICAL MONTAGE (In the style of “You’re the Best Around”):

David Halle - SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS - "Krabs University" 9.

SpongeBob flips dozens of patties at his podium, puts his

whole body into the pickle jar in the freezer, and rides a
“herd of buns” into a bag outside, like a cowboy. Squidward
continues to paint for his same bored class.

END OF MONTAGE.

INT. KRUSTY KRAB - DINING AREA - DAY

Sandy sits at a desk at the front as students take her exam.

SPONGEBOB
You seem pretty calm, Dean K.

MR. KRABS
Let’s just say I made some changes
to the curriculum. <<CHUCKLE>>

SANDY
And that’s time! Everyone please,
bring up your exams!

The students bring up their tests, she puts each one through
a SCANTRON MACHINE. After they go through, the machine’s
BULB “dings” green and Sandy hands the student a DIPLOMA from
a PILE, making them jump for joy as they exit. SpongeBob
watches, chews his nails, creating a PILE OF NAIL TRIMMINGS.

As the last of the students trickle out, Sandy turns around.

SANDY (CONT’D)
Well, I don’t know how you did it,
but they all passed.

SPONGEBOB
Huzzah! Thank you, father of
modern education, Horace Mann!

CUT-AWAY: An 1800’s portrait of HORACE MAN is on the body of

a SUPER HERO with an “H” CREST on his chest.

HORACE MAN
You’re welcome, “Porifera
Demospongiae”. Horace Man, away!

BACK TO SCENE.

SANDY
Except for the one who hasn’t
turned it in, yet. “No student
left behind”, right “Dean” Krabs?

Sandy points to Patrick, in the back row, pencil up his nose.

David Halle - SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS - "Krabs University" 10.

SPONGEBOB
Patrick!? I didn’t know you went
here!

PATRICK
That’s because I was doing the “on-
line” courses, SpongeBob.

SQUIDWARD
We don’t have online courses!

PATRICK
Then, why did I spend all that time
hanging from my clothes line?

SPONGEBOB
Come on Patrick, bring up your
test. You can do it!

PATRICK
My what? Oh, my arm rest?

Patrick picks up his desk. SpongeBob grabs a Krabby Pattie.

SPONGEBOB
Come, get the pattie. Come here,
Patrick. That’s a good Patrick!

Patrick squeals with delight, runs over, carrying the desk,

smashes his head into the wall. We see his test is covered
in SCRIBBLES and DOODLES as it floats down into Sandy’s
machine, which dings green.

MR. KRABS
Yes, the last diploma is ours!

Mr. Krabs grabs the last diploma from Sandy’s desk.

SANDY
Now, wait just a minute!

Sandy turns over the machine, examines its underside.

SANDY (CONT’D)
You tampered with my grading
machine, didn’t you? None of these
students should’ve passed!

MR. KRABS
Well, I did warn you not to rely on
the cold impartiality of
standardized tests.
David Halle - SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS - "Krabs University" 11.

SANDY
Why you. Give back that diploma!

MR. KRABS
Never!

Mr. Krabs runs around the restaurant, Sandy chases.

SANDY
Stop in the name of higher
learning!

MR. KRABS
SpongeBob, catch!

SpongeBob runs the opposite way, hands extended.

SPONGEBOB
I’m ready! I’m ready!

Mr. Krabs hurls the diploma in a spiral pass, SpongeBob

catches it. He throws it back to Mr. Krabs, playing “monkey
in the middle” with Sandy. Students gather at the windows.

FRAT BRO FISH 1

Look everyone, the teach is playing
some flag football!

VALLEY GIRL FISH

Sweet! Like, I want to play with
Professor Squarepants!

Students flood into the restaurant.

MR. KRABS
No! Stay back! School’s over!

EXT. KRUSTY KRAB - SAME

The Krusty Krab fills with fish, expanding until everyone is

pushed up against the windows. Pearl walks past, notices,
throws down her backpack in frustration.

PEARL
That’s it. I don’t care if this
school blows, I want to have fun!

Pearl runs inside, causing the restaurant to expand until it

EXPLODES! Fish students emerge from the rubble as Mr. Krabs’
cash floats down around them. They gather it up.

FRAT BRO FISH 1

Sweet, full scholarship!
David Halle - SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS - "Krabs University" 12.

VALLEY GIRL FISH

Bummer the school broke, though.

FRAT BRO FISH 2

Ya’ll know what this means, right?

FISH STUDENTS
Spring break!

The students all run off, leaving Pearl, Mr. Krabs, Sandy,
SpongeBob, Squidward, and Patrick, lying in the rubble.

MR. KRABS
No! Me money-versity!

PEARL
Guess this school really did blow.

Sandy grabs the degree from Mr. Krabs, rips it in half.

SANDY
I’ll take that.

PATRICK
So, I’m not really smart?

SPONGEBOB
Sorry, Patrick. But remember, the
greatest lessons in life are the
ones learned in the heart.

SQUIDWARD
And you call my lectures pointless.

SANDY
I hope you learned something from
all this, Mr. Krabs.

MR. KRABS
I sure did. Don’t keep large sums
of cash in the bathtub. (WEEPS)

SPONGEBOB
Well, you don’t have to learn that
in school!

Everyone laughs but Mr. Krabs, who continues sobbing.

END OF EPISODE