FORGET:

STRES S CANADA’S
MOST-READ
NOVEMBER 2020
LE
SIMP MAGAZINE
SELF-CARES
STRATEGIE
PAGE 72
O N E F U N N Y C O U N T RY

THE BEST
CANADIAN
JOKES
R!
EVE PAGE 30

FRIENDLY
VIRUSES:
A MEDICAL
CONTROVERSY
PAGE 86

How Casseroles
Healed My Family
PAGE 52

Wild West: Rodeos

and Romance
PAGE 76

Robbie Robertson’s
Rock Saga
PAGE 44
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 reader’s digest

CONTENTS

Features 44
profile
52
heart

30
cover story
Mr. Legendary
Robbie Robertson
penned some of the
Cooking Through Grief
After her husband died,
my mother-in-law
ONE FUNNY COUNTRY most memorable songs found solace in sharing
Who is the most hilari- in rock. More than his favourite meals.
ous of them all? Survey four decades later, BY WENDY LITNER

these cross-Canada he reflects on his wild

© 2020, LEAH HENNEL

zingers, gags and days with the Band.

BY JASON McBRIDE
56
drama in real life
jests—and judge FROM TORONTO LIFE
for yourself. Sky Fall
BY ROSIE LONG DECTER When Walter Osipoff’s
AND COURTNEY SHEA parachute caught on the
plane’s tail, leaving him
dangling high above San
Diego, his only hope was
a daring mid-air rescue.
BY VIRGINIA KELLY

76
on the cover:
illustration by paul g. hammond

rd.ca 1
reader’s digest

64 72 76
society life lesson society
After the Earthquake The Benefits Westworld
I didn’t know what I of Self-Care In her new book Along
was getting myself into Simple ways to boost the Western Front, the
when I volunteered your resiliency during photographer Leah
to help at a hospital tough times. Hennel captures the
in Haiti—or how it BY KATE CARRAWAY ranches, rodeos and
would change my life. romance of Southern
BY ANDREW FUREY and Central Alberta.
FROM HOPE IN THE BALANCE

84
humour
I Accidentally
Bought a Bag of
No-Purpose Flour
BY SOPHIE KOHN

86
editors’ choice
The Good Virus
Way back in 1917, a
Canadian scientist pio-
neered phage therapy.
The tiny bacteria-eaters
may hold the answer to
today’s increasingly
powerful superbugs.
BY MARK CZARNECKI
FROM MAISONNEUVE

86
NIK WEST
 NEW SERIES
OCT 5 | MON 8/8:30 NT
reader’s digest

Departments
Humour
6 Editor’s Letter 51
8 Contributors Laughter, the Best
9 Letters Medicine
20 Points to Ponder 62
55 World Wide Weird As Kids See It
big idea 97
12 Breast Friend Down to Business
How an Ontario
doctor is improv-
ing women’s can-
cer care.
18
BY LAUREN McKEON
ask an expert health
16 How Do Masks 22 Body, Heal Thyself
Protect Me? Why do wounds
We ask family mend more slowly
physician and as we age?
Masks4Canada BY CHRISTINA FRANGOU
organizer Amy Tan.
24 News From the
BY COURTNEY SHEA
World of Medicine
fact check BY SAMANTHA RIDEOUT

(AMY TAN) LAUREN TAMAKI; (HOUSE FIRE) CLAYTON HANMER

18 The Truth About
House Fires 27 What’s Wrong
BY ANNA-KAISA WALKER
With Me?
A medical mystery
resolved.

16
BY LISA BENDALL

puzzles
98 Brainteasers
100 Trivia
101 Word Power
103 Sudoku
104 Crossword

4 november 2020
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reader’s digest

EDITOR’S LETTER

Just for
Laughs
A
sense of humour is serious
business in this country. Before
the pandemic cancelled fun, it
was hard to find a town untouched by such long winters would be a lot more
the bug of comedy tours, stand-up and stressful without their jokes.
improv clubs, and that local har-dee- Because we all could use a good
har guy everyone hires to emcee their laugh this year, this issue’s cover story
wedding. The Canadian Association (page 30) collects some of the best
of Stand-up Comedians estimates that one-liners, gags and zingers by and for
seven national tours and 26 comedy Canadians. Here’s the thing: the jokes
festivals were postponed this summer— are divided by province and territory.
or scrapped altogether. East-coasters have long held the title
This especially hurts because of funniest among us. Is it still
comedy is so intertwined with true? It’s up to you to decide.
Canada’s identity. Ask someone
anywhere in the world to name a
famous Canadian, and their
answers will be skewed
to the Jim Carreys, Martin
P.S. You can reach
Shorts, Samantha Bees, me at [email protected].
Wayne and Shusters, Dan
DANIEL EHRENWORTH

Aykroyds and Lilly Singhs.

They’re our star system,
our truth-tellers and our
collective release valve.
Living in a country with

6 november 2020
 P U B L I S H E D B Y T H E R E A D E R ’ S D I G E S T M A G A Z I N E S C A N A D A L I M I T E D, M O N T R E A L , C A N A D A

Christopher Dornan chairman of the board

James Anderson publisher
Barbara Robins vice president and legal counsel
Mark Pupo editor-in-chief
deputy editor Lauren McKeon art director John Montgomery
executive editor, associate art director Danielle Sayer
digital Brett Walther graphic designer Pierre Loranger
senior editors Megan Jones, content operations
Micah Toub manager Lisa Pigeon
associate editor Robert Liwanag circulation director Edward Birkett
contributing editor Samantha Rideout contributors: Lisa Bendall, Linda Besner, Kate
proofreader Katie Moore Carraway, Natalie Castellino, Joren Cull, Mark
senior researcher Lucy Uprichard Czarnecki, Rosie Long Decter, Daniel Ehrenworth,
Christina Frangou, Andrew Furey, Paul G. Hammond,
researchers Nour Abi-Nakhoul, Ali Clayton Hanmer, Leah Hennel, Virginia Kelly,
Amad, Martha Beach,Rosie Roderick Kimball, Sophie Kohn, Wendy Litner, Jason
Long Decter, Beth McBride, Barbara Olson, Yasin Osman, Salini Perera,
Shillibeer, Suzannah Emily Press, Darren Rigby, Julie Saindon, Courtney
Shea, Mike Shiell, Beth Shillibeer, Suzannah Showler,
Showler, Leslie Sponder Fraser Simpson, Paige Stampatori, Lauren Tamaki,
copy editors Chad Fraser, Amy Anna-Kaisa Walker, Nik West, Jeff Widderich, Victor
Harkness, Richard Johnson Wong, Daniel Wood, Alicia Wynter

THE READER’S DIGEST ASSOCIATION (CANADA) ULC

Corinne Hazan financial director
Mirella Liberatore product manager, magazine marketing

national account executives 121 Bloor St. E.

Robert Shaw (Vancouver), Melissa Silverberg (Toronto)
Suite 430
marketing and research director Kelly Hobson
Toronto, ON
head of marketing solutions and new product development Melissa Williams
production manager Lisa Snow M4W 3M5

TRUSTED MEDIA BRANDS

Bonnie Kintzer president and chief executive officer
Raimo Moysa editor-in-chief, international magazines

VOL. 197, NO. 1,174 Copyright © 2020 by Reader’s Digest Magazines We acknowledge
Canada Limited. Reproduction in any manner in whole or in part in English or with gratitude the
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rd.ca 7
reader’s digest

CONTRIBUTORS
ALICIA WYNTER WENDY LITNER
Photographer, Waterloo, Ont. Writer, Toronto
“Breast Friend” “Cooking Through
Grief”
Wynter often shoots
portrait photography, and she loves Writing is how Litner copes and
the chance to learn about her subjects’ processes her emotions. Often, she
lives. Her work has been published doesn’t quite know how she feels
in the Waterloo Region Record, the about something until she writes it
Toronto Sun, the Toronto Star and down. Her work has been published
Chatelaine. Her photography has been in Today’s Parent, The Globe and Mail
nominated for a Black Canada Award, and CBC.ca, and you can find her lat-
and in 2019 she was a finalist for Shoot est personal story, about connecting
The Face, a monthly photo contest. with her family during the pandemic,
Check out her work on page 13. on page 52.

PAIGE STAMPATORI LAUREN McKEON

Illustrator, Cambridge, Ont. Writer, Toronto
“Body, Heal Thyself” “Breast Friend”

Stampatori finds illus- RD deputy editor

trating for magazines and newspapers McKeon didn’t set out to cover gen-
provides her with uniquely exciting der and women’s issues. But once she
opportunities to stay on top of cur- started, she couldn’t quit—she saw
rent events and to collaborate with there are too many urgent stories that
(McKEON) YULI SCHEIDT

fellow creative types. Stampatori’s need to be told. Her work has won
illustrations have appeared in the National Magazine Awards and Digi-
Washington Post, Wine Enthusiast tal Publishing Awards, and her book,
and the Georgia Straight, among No More Nice Girls, was released this
other publications. See her latest past spring by House of Anansi. Read
work on page 22. her latest story on page 12.

8 november 2020
 LETTERS

POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT
My wife was always happy when she
found a copy of Reader’s Digest Canada
at her doctor’s office, so we subscribed.
As a whole, I think the magazine does
a great job of keeping content light and
sensitive to readers. I encourage you to
make sure that you celebrate Canadian
success stories even more—there are
lots of those. In light of what the world EYESORE
has been through in 2020, good news About 10 years ago, I cancelled my
is what folks need today. subscription and instead opted to go
— DOUG BROAD, Toronto to the store and buy single copies every
month. Last week, though, I did some-
SAFETY FIRST thing I’ve never done before: I picked up
I enjoyed reading “P.M. Dad” (June the magazine at a local Walmart and,
2020) by Justin Trudeau. I was alarmed, before I reached the checkout, ripped
however, by the accompanying photo- out the pages of “The Boy With a Spike
graph of the prime minister throwing in His Head” (September 2020). I had
PUBLISHED LETTERS ARE EDITED FOR LENGTH AND CLARITY

Xavier, his then-two-year-old son, up in decided then and there that I couldn’t
the air. I cringe to think of the potential bring myself to read that story.
danger had he not caught him! — RON BROWNSBERGER, Whitchurch-
— NELLIE P. STROWBRIDGE, Pasadena, NL Stouffville, Ont.

CONTRIBUTE
Send us your funny jokes and anecdotes, and if we publish one in a print FOR SERVICE TO SUBSCRIBERS Pay your bill, view your account
edition of Reader’s Digest, we’ll send you $50. To submit, visit rd.ca/joke. online, change your address and browse our FAQs at rd.ca/contact.

Original contributions (text and photos) become the property of The MAIL PREFERENCE Reader’s Digest maintains a record of your pur-
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rd.ca 9
reader’s digest

BIG IDEA

How an Ontario doctor is

improving women’s cancer care

Breast Friend
BY Lauren McKeon
photograph by alicia wynter

E
ARLIER THIS YEAR, Chetna Bhatt, Richard, who is 59 years old, traces
a 55-year-old information man- her start as a breast-cancer guru to the
ager in London, Ont., received moment she learned, while training in
a diagnosis of triple-negative breast palliative care, that a typical mastec-
cancer—a rare form of the disease that tomy is a day procedure. The thought
doesn’t respond to typical treatment. chilled her—similarly invasive surgeries,
She had plenty of questions and even including for prostate cancer, require
more fears. When she visited her fam- significantly longer stays. “A woman
ily doctor, she found him to be less would come in after breakfast and go
than helpful, even dismissive. An home for lunch without a breast,” she
acquaintance suggested she contact says. “It just seemed wrong to me.”
Annette Richard, a local GP with a So Richard did something few doc-
national reputation for helping women tors bother to do: she asked women
with breast cancer prepare for one of how they felt about it. In addition to
the most trying ordeals of their lives. interviewing patients, she scrubbed

12 november 2020
 Dr. Annette Richard
helps women adjust
to the reality of living
with breast cancer.
reader’s digest

into mastectomy surgeries, reviewed patients with a 3D structure of the mas-

abnormal findings and sat in on call- tectomy site. Women can review the
backs after mammography tests. Her details whenever they want and, impor-
discoveries were discouraging. Of all tantly, adjust to the idea of their new
cancers, breast cancer is the most com- body, mitigating the “reveal” on their
mon one among women. In 2019 alone, own time. “My mission,” Richard says,
an estimated 26,900 Canadian women “is coming up with ways to put power
were diagnosed. Richard was struck at and knowledge in the patient’s hands.”
how inadequate the system was when In the months after Bhatt reached
it came to supporting women through out, Richard gave her advice and sup-
this all-too common disease. port on matters big (a home visit during
the height of COVID-19 to help Bhatt
“MY MISSION IS TO administer a post-radiation injection)
and small (recommending an afford-
PUT POWER AND able numbing cream for the painful
KNOWLEDGE IN THE biopsy procedure). Bhatt has since met
PATIENT’S HANDS.” many other breast-cancer patients,
including several who received che-
motherapy alongside her. The differ-
While she may not have been able ence in care wasn’t lost on her. “She’s
to change the hospital turnaround been there, literally holding my hand,
time for mastectomies, Richard could through everything,” Bhatt says. “There
at least better prepare women for sur- should be more women like Dr. Rich-
gery and how their bodies would heal ard helping women through this
and change. She founded FACE IT (the scary journey.”
acronym stands for focused anxiety- Richard has now coached and cared
reducing community-based empow- for hundreds of women. What would
ering individual teaching), and started make her happiest is if her approach
making house calls with a rigged-up became the norm. In her view, all
CPR model. Using skin-like material women deserve holistic, interconnected
to mimic an after-mastectomy torso, care, whether it’s prepping for surgery,
Richard carefully walked women and taking extra time for radiation treat-
their partners through the procedure. ments, or helping them decide on nip-
Today, Richard relies on an anatomy ple reconstruction. It’s something any
app that doctors and medical students doctor can do; all it takes is a new mind-
typically use for things like bone map- set. “Because really,” she says, “cancer
ping and surgical planning. The app and bad care can both seriously wreck
allows her to provide breast-cancer somebody’s life.”

14 november 2020
 IMPORTANT
SWEEPSTAKES MESSAGE

AND YOU! Marisa Orsini,

Marketing Promotions Administrator

As Marketing Promotions Administrator, I’m often asked if the Sweepstakes

you see in our promotions are real. To reassure you beyond any doubt of the
authenticity of these sweepstakes, here are three crucial ways to distinguish
the legitimate promotions we use, from the fly-by-night operators who try to
exploit our name.

• You NEVER need to give money to enter or to receive your prize.

• You NEVER will be required to buy anything to enter
• You NEVER need to give your personal or banking information
to receive your prize

So if you RECEIVE A CALL OR A LETTER from a person claiming to be from

Reader’s Digest with news that you have won a large amount of money,
know that it is definitely a FRAUD.

OUR READER’S DIGEST PROMISE TO YOU:

• Sweepstakes prize winners are selected in FULL COMPLIANCE
with stated prize rules and regulations
• All prizes are GUARANTEED to be given away
• Prizes are awarded EXACTLY as stated

WANT MORE ANSWERS?

Visit us and get all the straight facts fast at
www.rd.ca/sweepstakes
reader’s digest

ASK AN EXPERT

How Do Masks
Protect Me?
We ask family physician
and Masks4Canada
organizer Amy Tan

BY Courtney Shea
illustration by lauren tamaki

Most Canadians agree masks help to

prevent the spread of COVID-19, but
can you review how that works?
Scientific evidence has shown that if
80 per cent of the population wears a
reusable cloth mask, the spread of
COVID-19 in the community decreases
by 40 per cent. That kind of decrease is we were still looking at masks in terms
enough to make it so the number of of their potential to protect the wearer.
cases isn’t growing exponentially. That’s But now we know that the chief pur-
extremely significant. It’s why we need pose of wearing a cloth mask is not to
a high level of public buy-in. keep the coronavirus out, but to keep
your own droplets in.
Because my mask protects you and
your mask protects me? So what should I be looking for in an
Exactly. In the early stages of COVID, ideal mask?

16 november 2020
A mask made of tight-weave, high- size fits all; then they try one, find it’s
thread-count cotton is good. But uncomfortable and give up. But that’s
don’t get too hung up on the best not how it works.
mask. This is not about perfection; it’s
about decreasing risk. If my mask I’ve heard of people wearing masks in
contains the majority of my droplets, their own homes. Is that over the top?
then your risk—both of getting the With outbreaks in your family, we tell
virus and how severe a case—is a lot people to self-isolate and to not share
less significant. a bathroom, but not everyone has that
option. In cases where you are at
What can you tell us about proper greater risk, a mask offers an extra
mask cleaning protocol? layer of protection. If you invite guests
You want to wash your mask at the end inside your home who aren’t in your
of every day. A washing machine is bubble, then you should definitely all
ideal, but you can also just use soap wear masks.
and hot water, in the same way that
you would wash your hands. Always
wash your hands before you touch your THIS IS NOT ABOUT
mask, and only put it on or remove it PERFECTION. IT’S
by the ear loops or ties.
ABOUT DECREASING
For those of us whose laundry ham- EVERYONE’S RISK.
pers have been full since spring, are
disposable masks a good option?
The white and blue disposable masks When we are on the other side of
that you see a lot of people wearing are this pandemic (knock on wood!), will
effective in terms of capturing droplets. mask wearing become more broadly
I recommend reusable cotton because accepted as a safety measure in
it’s better for the environment and it’s North America?
a lot more cost-effective than having to I don’t know if it will be embraced by
constantly replenish your supply. the entire population, but I do hope
that it becomes a normalized reaction
How should your mask fit? when, or if, we encounter another SARS
My big tip is to look for a mask that or COVID-19. If we hadn’t been argu-
fits your nose—tight without being ing about masks in May and early June,
uncomfortable—so that you don’t have it would have made a significant differ-
to worry about it falling down all the ence. I hope we will learn from this
time. People assume masks are one uphill battle.

rd.ca 17
reader’s digest

1 Four in 10 fatal house

fires occur between
10 p.m. and 7 a.m.,

FACT CHECK
when most residents are
asleep. “Make sure you
have working smoke
alarms on every storey

The Truth About and outside every sleep-

ing area,” says Ryan

House Fires Betts, spokesperson for

the Office of the Fire
Marshal of Ontario.
BY Anna-Kaisa Walker
illustration by clayton hanmer
2 Test smoke alarms
monthly. “Vacuum
around the alarm to
clear any dust that could
block the smoke sensor,”
says Betts. Replace the
battery twice a year and
replace the alarm itself
by its expiry date.

3 Closing your bed-

room door while you
sleep may help firefight-
ers save your life. “A
bedroom with a closed
door will heat up to 37 C,
versus 500 C outside
the door,” says Cynthia
Ross Tustin, president
of the Ontario Associa-
tion of Fire Chiefs.

4 Carbon-monoxide
gas, which you can’t
see or smell, is a leading

18 november 2020
cause of accidental poi- “When an alarm sounds, says Tustin. “Tell the
soning deaths in North head straight outside, dispatcher which unit
America. Have fuel- gather at your meeting you can be found in.”
burning appliances point and call 911 from
serviced annually—if
they malfunction or are
there,” says Tustin.
11 Cooking mishaps
are the leading
poorly vented, they can
potentially emit CO,
causing confusion and
8 To help the fire
department find
you, your house number
cause of residential fires.
“Always have a tight-
fitting pot lid handy to
nausea at low levels should be clearly visible. smother the flames,”
and killing you within 20 If your house is far from says Betts. “Never throw
minutes at high levels. the road, have the num- water on a cooking fire.”
ber displayed at the end The heat from the water

5 Install a CSA- or
UL-approved
of the driveway. can trigger an explosion
of flaming grease.
carbon-monoxide
detector on each floor of
your home. To prevent
9 Condo dwellers
should study their
building’s fire-safety 12 If covering the
pot doesn’t help,
false alarms, keep them plan. “If the alarm sys- use a fire extinguisher.
at least 14.5 feet away tem has voice prompts, Remember the acro-
from gas appliances. you’ll be instructed nym PASS—(P)ull the
whether to stay put or pin, (A)im the nozzle,

6 Forty years ago, you

had an average of 15
to 17 minutes to escape
exit by the emergency
stairs,” says Betts. “Don’t
try to take the eleva-
(S)queeze the trigger
and (S)weep the nozzle
from side to side. “In
a house fire. Now, with tors—they’ll be recalled the meantime, some-
synthetic materials and to the ground floor.” one else should be call-
open floor plans, you ing 911,” says Tustin.
have an average of two
to three minutes before
the house is engulfed.
10 If you have mobil-
ity issues, you’re
responsible for inform- 13 Smoke alarms that
beep loudly may
ing your building man- not keep you safe. If you

7 Form an exit plan.

Each bedroom
should have two possi-
agement that you’ll
need assistance in an
emergency. “If there is
take sleeping pills or
are hearing impaired,
invest in an alarm sys-
ble exits, and a desig- a fire, call 911 yourself, tem with strobe lights
nated adult should help even if the fire depart- and a vibrating pad for
children or the elderly. ment is already there,” under your pillow.

rd.ca 19
reader’s digest

POINTS TO PONDER

I reflect on the solitude THE STORY OF WOMEN

IS ABSOLUTELY THE
of my presence in the LONGEST REVOLUTION

PHOTOS: (MAMAKWA) NDP; (BAILEY) COURTESY OF DONOVAN BAILEY; (OH) DPA PICTURE ALLIANCE/ALAMY STOCK PHOTO
legislature as a First Nations IN HISTORY. SO MANY
TIMES THE FINISH LINE
MPP in Ontario, and I BLURRED, AND SO MANY
cannot deny my loneliness. TIMES HOPES SOARED.
–Sol Mamakwa, MPP, Kiiwetinoong, –Sally Armstrong, IN HER
IN MACLEAN’S FIRST CBC MASSEY LECTURE

AS YOU EXPERIMENT WITH YOUR VOICE—A HIGH NOTE, A LOW

NOTE—IT’S A DANCE BETWEEN YOUR HEART, YOUR MIND, YOUR
VOICE, AND YOUR EXPERIENCES.
–Shania Twain

The greatest thing about track and field

is that it’s not a vote. I run, I win, I am
the champ. I don’t need your vote.
–Donovan Bailey, TALKING ABOUT POTENTIALLY
RUNNING FOR PUBLIC OFFICE

In Canada it’s very, very different because

multiculturalism is very much mandated.
I knew what was possible because I got it from
the very beginning. Then I moved to Hollywood.
–Sandra Oh, DISCUSSING REPRESENTATION IN ENTERTAINMENT
 The thought of moving away from sunny
California in February, in the middle of the school
year, to a French-speaking foreign city covered in
12 feet of snow was distressing, to say the least.
–Kamala Harris, REMEMBERING MOVING TO MONTREAL AT AGE 12

COMICS SKEW IT LOOKS LIKE MY LAST

THINGS IN A QUESTION PERIOD AS LEADER
DIFFERENT WAY, OF THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY
PHOTOS: (HARRIS) MAVERICK PICTURES/SHUTTERSTOCK.COM; (McDONALD) SHAWN GOLDBERG/SHUTTERSTOCK

WHICH MEANS IS JUST LIKE MY FIRST:

THAT COMICS WARM, SUNNY AND THE
ARE ODD PRIME MINISTER NOWHERE
PEOPLE AND IF TO BE FOUND.
THEY WEREN’T –Andrew Scheer, ON HIS LAST DAY AS OPPOSITION LEADER
FUNNY THEY
WOULD JUST BE I’m starving in solidarity with our children
ODD PEOPLE. who are starving. Literally some of them
–Kevin McDonald, FOUNDING are starving, but figuratively they’re also
MEMBER OF THE KIDS IN THE HALL starving for equality.
–Métis fiddler and advocate Tristen Durocher,
ANNOUNCING HIS HUNGER STRIKE FOR INDIGENOUS
YOUTH SUICIDE PREVENTION LEGISLATION

Unless you come up against

obstacles, you’re not going to
learn something new. “What did
you learn today?” is a better line
than “What did you do today?”
–Farhan Thawar, VP of engineering at Shopify,
DISCUSSING THE POWER OF FAILURE

rd.ca 21
reader’s digest

HEALTH

Body, Heal
Thyself
Why do wounds mend
more slowly as we age?

BY Christina Frangou
illustration by paige stampatori

W
HEN A KID gets a scrape, a
kiss from their grown-up and
a day or two with a bandage
is usually all that’s needed. When it can put us at higher risk for infection
happens to an adult, it takes more time and prolonged pain.
to heal—in fact, a 40-year-old’s wound To repair a wound, the body embarks
can take twice as long as the identical on a complicated and spectacular pro-
wound on a 20-year-old. And the pro- cess, recruiting a variety of cells to
cess slows more the older you get. work together to stop the bleeding,
We’re all familiar with this phe- then restore and rebuild the skin. And
nomenon, of course, but you might as we age, changes in our bodies can
wonder what’s behind it. “We actually disrupt that process.
don’t have a complete answer,” admits Our skin is put together like a three-
Dr. Dennis Orgill, medical director of layer cake. At the top is the epider-
the Wound Care Center at Boston’s mis, home of hair, freckles and wrin-
Brigham and Women’s Hospital. “But kles. Only about half a millimetre thick
in my experience, it’s a slow decline in places, it’s made up mostly of kera-
from birth on.” That delay in healing tinocytes, cells that slough off to be

22 november 2020
replaced with younger, healthier Most notably, diabetes is linked to
ones—a turnover that slows as we get over 100 known contributors to delayed
older. We also lose lipids and amino wound healing, including hormone
acids in this layer with age, leading to disruption and altered collagen accu-
dry skin that’s prone to tearing. Bacte- mulation. This disease causes other
ria can get in through even the tiniest complications, too, that impede heal-
of slits in the skin, so seemingly small ing, like poor kidney function, vascular
cuts can take longer to heal. disease and neuropathy.
Just below the epidermis is the der- Even if you don’t have any of those
mis, which gives skin its thickness. The conditions, medications for other
dermis regulates our body’s tempera- afflictions—steroids and non-steroidal
ture and supplies the epidermis with anti-inflammatory drugs, chemother-
nutrient-rich blood. This layer houses apy and radiotherapy—can have the
blood vessels, lymph vessels, sweat and same slowing effect.
oil glands, and collagen, a protein that Besides trying to dodge all those
gives your skin its elasticity and resil- wound-delaying factors, there are some
ience. After turning 50, a person loses active measures you can take as you
approximately 1 per cent of collagen age to shore up your body’s power to
a year—making its vital task in skin heal itself. Leading the list: avoid sun
repair less effective. damage and stop smoking. Moisturiz-
ing regularly and staying hydrated can
help. Keep wounds moist by covering
COMPLETE CELL them with a bandage. And, a somewhat
TURNOVER surprising one: muscle strength can
OCCURS EVERY aid with wound repair. Since physically

45 TO 50 DAYS inactive people lose between 3 and 8

per cent of muscle mass every decade
IN ELDERLY ADULTS. after age 30—and even more after 60—
it’s never too soon to start exercising.
Finally, there’s truth to the cliché that
But beyond skin changes, there are an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
other factors that can come with being “Remember the old days when people
alive for a while. Although not exclu- on boats would get scurvy and have
sive to seniors, many diseases more wounds that fell apart?” says Dr. Orgill.
common among older adults can delay If your cuts are healing slowly—at any
healing—congestive heart failure, rheu- age—he suggests getting a lab test to
matoid arthritis and chronic obstruct- check for deficiencies in vitamins and
ive pulmonary disease. minerals like vitamin C and zinc.

rd.ca 23
reader’s digest

Lack of Sleep
Hurts Teens’
Mental Health
News from the
WORLD OF Does a teenager in your

MEDICINE family often have dark

circles under his or her
eyes? The teen years
bring an array of new
BY Samantha Rideout
threats to sleep, includ-
ing the end of parent-
set bedtimes and a nat-
urally late sleep-wake
cycle that doesn’t jibe
with school schedules.
While inadequate sleep
may not seem like a big
deal, it can contribute
to mental-health issues.
A study from the U.K.
found that 15-year-olds
who were getting less
EXERCISES FOR BANISHING shut-eye on school
LOWER BACK PAIN nights were signifi-
cantly more likely to
With so many people working from home—often develop depression or
at ergonomically unsound, makeshift desks—it anxiety in their teens
might seem like everyone is complaining about or early 20s. Cognitive
lower back pain. But there’s an easy cure: Lithua- behavioural therapy
ISTOCK.COM/KATARZYNABIALASIEWICZ

nian scientists have shown that regularly perform- for insomnia can help
ing lumbar-stabilization exercises can be an effect- families pinpoint and
ive way to get rid of the pain—and keep it away. address the underlying
These exercises strengthen the muscles that sup- causes, whether they’re
port the lower spine and facilitate safe spinal move- related to bad habits
ment. They include, for example, the double knees just before bedtime—
to chest stretch, which is performed while lying on screen time in the late
your back. Committing to a 45-minute program evening, for example—
twice a week is all it takes. or other factors.

24 november 2020
 The Big Payoff of Even Mild Hits
a Good Stretch to the Head Can
Affect the Brain
If limited mobility
or COVID-19 social- Years’ worth of research
distancing measures leaves little doubt that
have cut back your exer- repeated concussions Blood-Pressure
cise opportunities, a are leading to irrevers- Meds Extend
simple home stretching ible brain injuries, and Life Even for
routine can still boost even suicide, among Frail Seniors
your heart health. In a professional athletes
recent Italian experi- who play contact Few clinical trials of new
ment, participants who sports such as hockey, medications include
performed a series of rugby and football. But elderly people in poor
leg stretches five times what about the minor, overall health—an
a week for 12 weeks saw non-concussive head unfortunate knowledge
(MAN) ISTOCK.COM/ WAVEBREAKMEDIA; (BLOOD PRESSURE CUFF) ISTOCK.COM/DEEPBLUE4YOU

improvements in their impacts that are com- gap. An exception was

vascular function (their mon even for amateur a recent Italian study,
arteries’ ability to dilate players? Scientists at which looked at almost
and constrict) and in Western University in 1.3 million seniors—
how stiff their arteries London, Ont., have with an average age of
were—even beyond found that these also 76—who each had at
the legs. These changes cause visible changes to least three prescrip-
may reduce health risks, brain structure and con- tions for high blood
since arterial stiffness nectivity. The changes, pressure. Compared to
and vascular function which may hinder the frail subjects who took
both play a role in dia- brain’s ability to move their meds less than a
betes and heart disease. information between quarter of the time,
its areas, accumulated those who took them
over time, suggesting faithfully were 33 per
possible long-term cent less likely to die
ramifications. Athletes, within seven years.
parents and coaches Healthier patients got
who want to play it safe an even bigger boost
should limit all types of to their longevity from
head impacts—not just sticking to their pre-
those that cause obvi- scriptions, but both
ous symptoms. groups benefited.

rd.ca 25
reader’s digest

Reducing the Fatigue of Bleach: Not For

Rheumatoid Arthritis Consumption

Although it’s best-known for joint pain, rheumatoid During the spread of
arthritis also causes persistent weakness and exhaus- COVID-19, poison-
tion in up to 90 per cent of patients. It doesn’t control centres around
improve much with rest. And, worse, there’s been the world noticed an
no effective treatment. increase in calls. By sur-
A Belgian study of patients who’d been newly veying the public, the
diagnosed with RA indicates, however, that there’s American Centers for
a window of opportunity early on for addressing the Disease Control and
problem. RA is one of many diseases in which Prevention confirmed
the immune system attacks the body’s own tissue, that this was no coinci-
causing inflammation. In the study, some partici- dence. In a misguided
pants were prescribed methotrexate, a drug that effort to protect them-
decreases immune-system activity and inflamma- selves, nearly four in
tion. Because of its safety and effectiveness, it’s the 10 respondents had
gold standard treatment for RA, but it only starts employed household
working after several months. cleaners, bleach or sur-
The remaining subjects were prescribed metho- face disinfectants in
trexate, as well, but also initially took prednisone, potentially dangerous
a faster-acting albeit riskier anti-inflammatory. (Its ways, such as using
possible effects include agitation, fluid retention them to clean their fresh
and insomnia.) As the time that methotrexate produce, mist their
was expected to kick in drew nearer, these patients bodies or wash their
gradually cut back on predni- hands. Ingesting these
sone. The patients who took this products’ chemicals
combination went on to feel less could poison you—no
fatigued over the next two years matter what Donald
and didn’t experience more Trump says—and food-
side effects than the other safety authorities rec-
group—all of which is great ommend rinsing fresh
ISTOCK.COM/AARONAMAT

motivation for RA patients produce with water

to talk to their doctor about instead. Meanwhile,
receiving intensive treat- stick to cleaning your
ment as soon as possible, hands and body with
to help them feel better soap, which is proven
in the long run. to kill COVID-19.
 HEALTH

WHAT’S WRONG
WITH ME?
BY Lisa Bendall
illustration by victor wong

THE PATIENT: Josh*, an Australian boy of skills like walking and speaking.
THE SYMPTOMS: Diminishing abilities, Despite extensive testing, she remained
along with seizures and vomiting undiagnosed, but doctors suspected it
THE DOCTOR: Dr. Nicholas Smith, head was a genetic condition.
of neurology at Women’s and Children’s Tragically, an unexpected hemor-
Hospital in North Adelaide, Australia rhage from a perforated ulcer claimed
Lauren’s life at two and a half. Her

E
VEN BEFORE JOSH was born in grieving parents worried that the child
2007 in South Australia, his par- they were carrying at the time would
ents, Nicole and Andy, knew have the same mysterious condition.
there was a chance their baby might Josh was a happy, social baby, and
have a severe disorder that could affect at first he was on track when it came to
the course of his life. His older sister, rolling over and sitting up for the first
Lauren, had stopped meeting mile- time. At 12 months, he took a few steps
stones just after turning one. As she on his own. Then, just like Lauren, his
grew, she gradually lost her mastery development slowed. He stopped walk-
ing independently. By age two, he was
*IDENTIFYING DETAILS HAVE BEEN CHANGED. no longer talking. Even though Josh’s

rd.ca 27
reader’s digest

parents had expected he might have he was charmed. “He was a happy, smi-
inherited the disorder, it was still dev- ley boy. He’s always had a bright spark
astating when doctors confirmed it. in him,” he says. Although Smith didn’t
At age three, Josh began experien- have an immediate cure for Josh’s dis-
cing bouts of intense vomiting that order, he was confident he could help
would last for several days without a with symptom management.
break. At five, he couldn’t sit up on his Smith also knew there might be a
own anymore, and reverted to crawl- way to get more information. The
ing. He started having seizures. The genetics field had advanced consider-
following year, a feeding tube became ably since Josh’s birth, and scientists
necessary because he was eating less could now analyze entire sections of
and struggling with liquids. the genome at once and pinpoint
unexpected differences, or variants.
“Every time I saw this boy and his fam-
THE TERRIFYING ily, their child was worse. They were
POSSIBILITY THAT preparing themselves for him to die,”
THE FAMILY WOULD says Smith. Giving a family answers is
no small thing, he adds; even if their
LOSE A SECOND CHILD child does not survive, it can at least
LOOMED LARGE. provide closure, and is vital for any
future family planning.
Smith thought there was a chance
Josh’s medical file was thick with his research colleagues in the Univer-
results from physical exams, lab testing sity of South Australia’s molecular
and brain scans, but nothing that led to pathology department could provide
a diagnosis. Numerous tests for genetic those answers. Postgraduate student
conditions had been performed in vain Alicia Byrne, under the supervision of
on both Josh and Lauren over the years. professor Hamish Scott, analyzed Josh
The terrifying possibility that this family and Lauren’s genetic data. Healthy
would lose a second child loomed large. people have about four million variants,
When Josh was six, Nicole and Andy usually harmless, in their genome.
received a referral to Dr. Nicholas Byrne sought the one variant that was
Smith, a neurologist at Women’s and to blame for the children’s disorder.
Children’s Hospital in North Adelaide, It can take hours and hours to sort
Australia. “We were told that he had a through the genetic data, spotting and
keen interest in these types of condi- researching any possibilities.
tions,” says Nicole. Byrne ruled out anything that didn’t
From the moment Smith met Josh, appear in both children’s genomes. She

28 november 2020
also excluded variants that are common needed them. The hopeful team devised
in healthy people, or linked to disorders a trial therapy for Josh of weekly high-
that Josh and Lauren obviously didn’t dose vitamin infusions. “It was very
have. She was left with an unfamiliar exciting,” Nicole says. “We felt we had
new gene that hadn’t before been asso- nothing to lose, and everything to gain.”
ciated with a disease. And, as it turned Within weeks, Nicole and Andy
out, each of the two parents carried a reported Josh had more energy. “It’s
different variant in that same gene; always difficult to know how much
when they combined in the children, positive progress is due to the parents’
it created an incredibly rare disorder. hope that their child will improve,”
says Smith. But after three months,
there was a measurable reduction in
IT’S DIFFICULT TO Josh’s seizures and vomiting.
KNOW IF REPORTS OF Six months after treatment began,
PROGRESS ARE DUE TO Josh had stopped regressing and was
moving forward again. “The ‘wow’
PARENTS’ HOPE THEIR moment for us was the day Josh went
CHILD WILL IMPROVE. up on his knees to crawl,” says Nicole.
“It’s one we’ll never forget.”
Over time, Josh regained the ability
Byrne was ecstatic about the discov- to use a walker. He started saying
ery, as efforts to find genetic variants “mom” and “dad” again. Today, at 13,
prove fruitless in more than two-thirds he enjoys horsing around on the play-
of challenging cases. Even better, there ground at school, watching videos on
was a possible treatment in this case. his iPad and making people laugh.
The mutation was in a gene crucial for “The most gratifying thing is seeing
transporting B vitamins to the nervous this boy and his family living life with-
system. Lab experimentation with Josh’s out the fear and anxiety,” says Smith.
cells showed a definite problem with “It’s all we could have asked for,”
vitamin B uptake. Even if Josh had nor- Nicole adds. “Our outlook is unknown,
mal levels of these nutrients in his body, but for now we enjoy every day with our
he simply couldn’t get enough where he strong, happy, healthy son.”

Glass Half Full of Drizzle

And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down.
Without the rain, there would be no rainbow.
GILBERT K. CHESTERTON

rd.ca 29
reader’s digest
 COVER STORY

Who is the most hilarious of them all? Survey these

cross-Canada zingers, gags and jests—and judge for yourself.

BY Rosie Long Decter and Courtney Shea

illustrations by paul g. hammond

rd.ca 31
reader’s digest

We’re willing to invest the time and the

resources. I’ve been growing a beard
now for two years, trying to fit in.
—Oshea Jephson, whitehorse

Frisbee for One

A popular summer activity in the
YUKON Yukon is disc golf, or Frisbee golf.
Prospecting for gold and guffaws A lot of people think it evolved from
regular golf, but I think it evolved
I’m so sorry if you’re single in March from lonely men who got tired of
in the Yukon. There’s nothing left; going to the park every day, trying to
it’s all gone. You go on Yukon Tinder make friends to play catch with. They
and it just says, “Out of order, check were just like, “You know what? I’m
back in May.” gonna figure out a way to play with
—George Maratos, whitehorse these discs all by myself. Just me, the
trees and my discs.” And when they’re
Ghost in the North playing, you can actually hear the
On October 30 last year in Whitehorse, trees going, “Nobody cares. You’re
residents were disturbed by a spooky a grown man playing with discs.”
noise ringing throughout town. It —James Boyle, whitehorse
sounded like a wail, and no one knew
where it was coming from. Locals
started speculating on Facebook that
it was a “very drunk owl,” or perhaps
a “mechanical goose repeatedly honk-
ing.” Residents decided to contact
Yukon Energy, thinking it might have
been coming from the local hydro BRITISH COLUMBIA
dam. When staff did a walk-through, Welcome to the playful Pacific
they found the problem: a spill gate
had been left open, and was the Why do we have so many coins in Can-
source of the otherworldly noise. ada? We had bills. When I was a kid,
Not so scary after all, but at least it got we had a $2 bill. It had a bird on it. It
everyone in the mood for Halloween. was wonderful. There was a $1 bill, too.
What happened? Did a pirate make it
New Northerners to the top of the Bank of Canada?
We all want to be part of the Yukon. —Ivan Decker, ladner, b.c.

32 november 2020
 @ScanBC is a Twitter account that Every time Canadian scientists
tweets out requests for law enforce- announce they’ve found another
ment heard on police scanners around dinosaur in B.C., I’m like, “Yeah,
the province. Here are a few of the that’s when they’re from.”
more absurd requests they’ve heard: —Jeremy Woodcock, toronto
■ June 14, 2020: Fire crews in
Maple Ridge are responding to a
residence to assist a dog with its
head stuck in a couch.
■ March 29, 2019: RCMP have
requested assistance from the Squa-
mish fire department after they raised
their Canadian flag upside down. NORTHWEST
■ Jan. 23, 2018: Vancouver Police are TERRITORIES
responding to the area of Renfrew and Plenty of ice and laughs to go around
Hastings for reports of a cougar in a
tree. The reported animal was located I’ve been thinking about telling my
and found to be a very large raccoon. jokes as if I were Justin Trudeau, but
I don’t think public opinion would
really approve—I’d just be pushing
At the end of Grade 10, I my punchlines through like an oil
remember the vice principal pipeline, but for funnies.
at Prince of Wales sat me —Brad Thom,
down and invited me to fort providence, n.w.t.
leave, which, looking back,
was just a very Canadian Immigration Reform
way of kicking me out. Canada should have the easiest immi-
gration policy. Do you want to move
—Ryan Reynolds, vancouver
to Canada? Okay, we’ll come pick you
up. It doesn’t matter where you are in
the world; we’re gonna come pick you
up at no cost to you. But we’re going to
bring you here in January, and we’re
COURTESY OF NETFLIX

going to land the plane in Yellow-

knife. All those potential immigrants
will be excited, thinking we landed at
night. Nope, it’s 2 in the afternoon.
—Arthur Simeon, toronto

rd.ca 33
reader’s digest

I was born and raised in Inuvik, N.W.T. handing the cup to the employee:
Even though I’m from here, though, “W I N A B A G E L.”
I can’t start a Ski-Doo, I don’t hunt, <canadianbucketlist.com>
and I hate the cold, so I really need
this comedy thing to work. Riveting Radio
—Dez Loreen, inuvik, n.w.t. CBC can be a little dry at times. The
other day I heard this on CBC Radio:
Tourist Traps “Today on the program we’re talking
Tourism website Spectacular North- about lineups. Call us with your fas-
west Territories rounded up a list of cinating lineup stories.” There’s no
the strangest and most dangerous such thing!
places in the territory. Their names —Gavin Crawford, taber, alta.
are…a bit on the nose:
■ The Smoking Hills Signs you’ve been in Alberta too long:
■ The Bottomless Lake ■ You think Medicine Hat is
■ The Peak With No Name “The Windy City”
■ The Lake That Fell Off a Cliff ■ You mistake mosquitoes for birds
■ The Rapids of the Drowned ■ Oil has started leaking out of
<spectacularnwt.com> your boots
<huffpost.ca>

Alberta, the province with the most

straight, flat roads and cars stuck in
ditches beside them.
<reddit.ca>

ALBERTA I smoked pot openly in Calgary—

The wacky, witty west because nobody knew what pot was.
—Tommy Chong, calgary
A Calgarian rolled up the rim on his
Tim Hortons coffee. He stared in Cultural Differences
disbelief for a moment, then started I come from High River, Alberta. All
yelling, “I’ve won a motor home! my relatives are from big cities all
I’ve won a motor home!” around the world. Sometimes they
A woman working at the counter make fun of me and say, “Oh, Noor,
said, “That’s impossible. The biggest you’re from High River. You know
prize is a car.” nothing about your culture.” I’m like,
“No, it says right here,” he said, “What? I’m from High River. I spend

34 november 2020
 People think of Canadians
as peaceful people, not getting
into wars, not having
handguns. But our national
pastime is this game where we
just pummel each other.
—Michael J. Fox, edmonton

my whole life explaining my culture.”

Sometimes it’s not even my own cul-
ture. People in High River will ask me,
“Hey, Noor, you guys don’t eat meat,
right?” And I’m like, “No, that’s actu-
ally Hindus.” They’re like, “Oh, what
do Hindus believe?” And I’m like, “I SASKATCHEWAN
don’t know. I’m from High River, too!” The landscape may be flat, but not the
—Noor Kidwai, high river, alta. sense of humour!

Apologizing is huge in Canada’s cul- I’ve played a lot of leaders, auto-

ture. But not in my culture. Did you cratic types. Perhaps it was my
know that there isn’t a word for Canadian accent.
“sorry” in my Cree language? That’s —Leslie Nielsen, regina
because we didn’t do anything to
apologize for. I don’t mind being a symbol, but I
—Howie Miller, edmonton don’t want to become a monument.
There are monuments all over the
For our American guests, let me just Parliament Buildings, and I’ve seen
say how brave it is of you to join us what the pigeons do to them.
LEV RADIN/SHUTTERSTOCK

here, in a country that is such a hos- —Tommy Douglas, saskatoon

tile national security threat. I should (by way of scotland)
let you know, though, if some of you
are not careful, we may make you A Saskatchewan farmer decides to
drink your own beer. retire and move to the Rocky Moun-
—Rachel Notley, edmonton tains after living his whole life on the

rd.ca 35
reader’s digest

prairies. A few months later, a friend walk backwards to school so I wouldn’t

comes to visit. get frostbite on the front of my face.
“What do you think of the moun- —Tatiana Maslany, regina
tains?” his friend asks.
“They’re okay,” the farmer says. The Lord said, “Let there be wheat,”
“But they sure obscure the view.” and Saskatchewan was born.
<upjoke.com> —Stephen Leacock, sutton, ont.

Things you won’t hear in

Saskatchewan:
■ “Duct tape isn’t going to fix that.”
■ “Is the seafood fresh?”
■ “I just don’t feel like bingo tonight.”
<canadaka.net>
MANITOBA
Saskatchewan is known for its extreme Dry winters and a dry sense of humour
temperatures. It’s very cold. When I
was in elementary school, I had to Fiery Romance
It’s so cold in Winnipeg right now
that I’m actually hoping for a heated
Wearing a mask these argument with my wife.
past few months has —@msilvawpg

really opened my eyes Brandon, Man., named one of its local

to how far away my malls the Shoppers Mall, in case peo-
ears are from my nose. ple forget what they went there to do.
<reddit.ca>
—Brent Butt, tisdale, Sask.
Growing up on the prairies, we had
only three channels: CBC, a blurry
channel, and the French channel.
It was called Farmer Vision.
—Big Daddy Tazz, winnipeg
COURTESY OF CBC

In Canada we’re racist; we’re just

passive-aggressive about it. If Cana-
dian racism were a person, they would
be your best friend. And you’d go
over to them in your new jeans like, many rules. I had to pay for parking
“How do I look?” And Canadian ra- today—and then I got a ticket
cism would say something like, “Oh, because I parked on the sidewalk.
beauty standards are really hard.” But we don’t have sidewalks!
—Aisha Alfa, winnipeg —Bibi Bilodeau, iqaluit

NUNAVUT ONTARIO
Cold weather, warm laughs Where so much hilarity is “yours
to discover”
With #NunavutTVShows, Twitter
users imagine their favourite series Essential Knowledge
set up north: Let me tell you about Canadian Heri-
■ Square Dancing With the Stars tage Minutes. Most people in most
—@Alethia_Aggiuq countries feel good about themselves
■ No Tree Hill naturally, but we Canadians have a
—@geckospots self-esteem issue, so the government
■ The Price is NOT Right feels the need to flood our televisions
—@khumbu2015 with commercials about obscure
■ Saved by the Bell 10 GB Data stuff that happened hundreds of years
Package ago that nobody knows about. At the
—@Nuliayuk end of the commercials they’re always
like, “And that man was Trent Foster
Population Density Rivers,” and you’re like, “Who?”
Three of five people living in Iqaluit, —Nile Seguin, ottawa
Nunavut, are actually winter coats
hanging on the backs of chairs. Toronto housing market: taking your
—satirical twitter account relationship to the next level under
@Stats_Canada financial duress since 2009.
—Cassie Cao, toronto
Culture Shock
I have a lot of trouble when I go to I’m not afraid to get ugly. I think that
the south, because there are just so comes from my Canadian work ethic.

rd.ca 37
reader’s digest

I’m only half-joking. It comes from a Canadian white folks get mad. They
place of just wanting to execute the say, “Hey, you don’t diss our boiled
best possible joke in the moment, potatoes. Sometimes we put salt in
whatever it takes. What’s the funniest that water.”
thing I can do? Oh, that’s awful. Okay, —Russell Peters, toronto
that’s it. I’ll do it. Oh my god, I can’t
believe I’m doing it. Okay, it’s over. And the Oscar for best actress goes to…
—Samantha Bee, toronto Woman Enjoying the Turkey Sausage
Breakfast Sandwich in Tim Hortons
Commercial. What a performance!
Canadians, we have our —D.J. Demers, kitchener, ont.
Thanksgiving in October.
We have different traditions. Cutting Remark
We like to stuff the turkey The meanest thing you can say to a
through the beak. We’ll sit guy in Canada? I hope your hockey
around and tell each other team loses.
what we’re thankful for and —Nour Hadidi, toronto
then apologize if it feels like
bragging. We eat a whole Canada and America are closer than
potato because mashing friends. We’re more like siblings. We
requires too much aggression. have shared parentage, though we took
And then at the end of dinner, different paths in our later years. We
we stand around and sing became the stay-at-home type, and
songs about public health care. you grew to be a little more rebellious.
—Martin Short, hamilton, ont. —prime minister Justin Trudeau

National Tradition
I got into hockey as a kid for the
same reason all Canadians get into
hockey—I wanted my dad to love me.
KATHY HUTCHINS/SHUTTERSTOCK

—Dave Hemstad, thornhill, ont.

Every Canadian has a complicated

relationship with the United States,
whereas Americans think of Canada
as the place where the weather
comes from.
—Margaret Atwood, ottawa
 Q: Why do all Canadians Quebec City has more mimes per
capita than any other Canadian city.
live in igloos? —satirical twitter account
A: We need to keep @Stats_Canada
cool because our prime
Bad Joke
minister is so hot. The biggest thing that makes me truly
—Lilly Singh, toronto embarrassed to be Canadian, and
specifically from Quebec, is Just for
Laughs Gags.
—Zoe Whittall, toronto

Plus Ça Change…
Only in Montreal can you leave for
three months and return to see every
traffic cone in the exact same spot.
—@brandonprust8

Riddle Me This
What do you call a French Canadian
who can speak English? Bilingual.
What do you call an English
Canadian who can speak French?
A miracle.
<reddit.com>

Quebec Quirks
We’re on day four of rain in Montreal
QUEBEC today. I just saw a guy out walking
Notoriously funny—in two languages! his goldfish.
—David Acer, montreal
Laura Secord is the founding mother
of Canada. She made all the choco- “If this vaccine gives you a fever, have
DFREE/SHUTTERSTOCK

lates I ate growing up. A lot of people a glass of red wine.” –A nurse in Quebec
had a poster of David Cassidy over —Jess Salomon, montreal
their bed. I had the Laura Secord
chocolate chart. Over the years, people in Montreal
—Caroline Rhea, montreal have embraced me with open arms.

rd.ca 39
reader’s digest

And those who didn’t, well, those are There’s a maple leaf in my underwear
the people who traded me. somewhere.
—P.K. Subban, toronto —Donald Sutherland,
saint john, n.b.

Seasons of Change
In New Brunswick, we get four
seasons: almost winter, winter, still
winter and construction.
<reddit.com>
NEW BRUNSWICK
Land of the lobster, the sea and some
very funny people

Dad: Did I tell you my joke about

New Brunswick’s population?
Child: Nope.
Dad: Actually, never mind. It’s NOVA SCOTIA
getting pretty old. High tides and hilarity
<themanatee.com>
The best thing about my status card is
Mr. Dress-Up that I can fish wherever, whenever I
New Brunswick is like the provincial want. I was in Loblaws the other day
equivalent of an elderly man in a and dropped my line in the fish tank.
sweater vest. —Janelle Niles, truro, n.s.
<reddit.com>
Danger Zone
We’re thinking of changing our motto: We have a place in Nova Scotia
New Brunswick—if you’ve hit Nova called Peggy’s Cove, where not long
Scotia, you’ve gone too far. ago a woman went over the edge—and
—Brian Gallant, shediac, n.b. she lived. But this is a pet peeve for
me, because they talked about it
Through and Through for weeks after on the radio: “Maybe
They ask me at the border why I don’t we need to hire students with little
take American citizenship. I could orange vests that say it’s dangerous
still be Canadian, they say. You could to go out on the rocks,” they said, “or
have dual citizenship. But I say no, maybe we need to put more signs
I’m not dual anything. I’m Canadian. up.” Apparently the ocean slamming

40 november 2020
 I feel like all Nova Scotia of its place in our history that every
Thursday, Friday and Saturday night
tourism has to say is, “Dude,
there are still re-enactments of the
you can ride your bike, then drinking that went on during that
walk through the woods, fateful gathering.
then jump in a lake.” —Jonathan Torrens,
—Ellen Page, halifax charlottetown

Know Thyself
Writer Ivy Knight’s book You Know
You’re an Islander When… offers an
insider-joke tome for Prince Edward
Islanders. Here are some highlights:
■ You get excited when you hear P.E.I.
mentioned on any news outlet other
than Compass
■ When you see the sign for Vogue
into the continent and shooting spray Optical, you automatically sing in
45 feet in the air does not say “danger!” your head, “Your second pair is free”
to some people. ■ You know the difference between
—Candy Palmater, halifax “out west” and “up west”
■ Crapaud: to others, it’s a joke;
to you, it’s home

Did you ever hear the joke about the

woman who moved to P.E.I. when
she was two years old? She lived her
whole life on the Island and died here
PRINCE EDWARD on her 90th birthday. But her obitu-
ISLAND ary still read, “Woman from away
KATHY HUTCHINS/SHUTTERSTOCK

The smallest province with the died peacefully in her home.”

largest laughs —Teresa Wright, charlottetown

Celebrating History You know you’re in P.E.I. when there

I’m from Charlottetown, where the are seven empty cars running in the
country was formed in a blurry stu- parking lot of your local Canadian
por by the Fathers of Confederation. Tire at all times.
You know, Charlottetown is so proud <canadaka.net>

rd.ca 41
reader’s digest

“[Newfoundlanders are like]

a genetic pool the size of a
pudding bowl. So I always think
that the first two who came
were really funny, and it just
went on from there.”
NEWFOUNDLAND —Mary Walsh, st. john's
AND LABRADOR
Famed for its beautiful landscapes—
and side-splitting humour

Radio just reported that a pregnant

woman in labour drove herself to the
hospital on a Ski-Doo. I hope they are
okay. I’m pretty sure this child will
grow up to be the future premier who
will lead us to prosperity.
—Mark Critch, st. john’s

Legend has it the Macarena originated

in Newfoundland when a fisherman isn’t that cute. He’s from Canada. Hey,
got up out of his chair and started Bob! They just got electricity up there.”
anxiously searching his shirt and There are so many things they don’t
pants pockets for a pack of smokes. know about us. Like, first of all, we’ve
<reddit.com> had electricity since the early ’80s.
—Shaun Majumder,
According to a recent Dominion Burlington, N.L.
Institute poll, a majority of Canadians
have no idea how Parliament works. Canadian tweens spend 81 per cent
Which is fine. We’re a very busy peo- of geography class laughing at names
ple—we have lives to lead, families of towns in Newfoundland.
to raise. Not to mention we’re all on —satirical twitter account
hold with Rogers. @Stats_Canada
—Rick Mercer, st. john’s
SARA ROSTOTSKI

Apocalypse Later
Common Misconception The world will end at midnight...
I’m so sick and tired of Americans Twelve-thirty, Newfoundland.
misunderstanding Canadians: “Aww, <reddit.com>

42 november 2020
 Get More RD
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PROFILE
reader’s digest

rd.ca 45
reader’s digest

W
hen Robbie Robert- evolutions and revolutions, its unde-
son was a kid grow- niable ascent and arguable decline. He
ing up in Toronto, is a one-man zeitgeist, a player, both
his mother, who was major and minor, in some of popular
born and raised on music’s most defining moments.
the Six Nations reserve near Brantford, He’s still best known, of course, for
Ont., often took him back home to visit the groundbreaking songs he created
her family. For Robbie, each trip was like with the Band, the wildly influential
a voyage to another dimension. His rel- roots rock group—songs like “The
atives had a profound understanding of Weight” and “The Night They Drove Old
the natural world and, most important Dixie Down.” The Band was renowned
to him, a great love of music. Everyone for its industry-defying lack of a front
played an instrument or danced or sang, man. Eventually, and enthusiastically,
and Six Nations jam sessions, often held Robertson took on that central role, to
around a roaring campfire, were like the enduring ire of his bandmates. And
small festivals of sound, light and colour. while his career with the Band lasted
Something even more transporting— only a decade—1968 to 1978—his
and transformative—happened when position as the group’s self-appointed
he was nine. After lunch one day, Rob- chronicler has lasted about four times
bie joined a gathering at a longhouse. as long. Unlike the elder he first encoun-
An elder sat in a large wood chair, tered as a child, however, the myth he’s
draped in animal pelts, and recounted, recounting now is all his own.
with vivid imagery and riveting sus-

(PREVIOUS SPREAD) GIJSBERT HANEKROOT/ALAMY STOCK PHOTO

pense, the tale of the Great Peacemaker I MET ROBERTSON IN 2019, the day after
who founded the Six Nations Iroquois a new documentary about him and
Confederacy. Robbie was mesmerized. the group, Once Were Brothers: Robbie
He told his mother that one day, he Robertson and the Band, premiered at
was going to tell stories like that. the Toronto International Film Festi-
It didn’t take long. Robertson began val. He was tanned and tall and relaxed,
telling stories—or writing songs, same his eyes hidden behind signature tinted
thing—when he was a teenager, then glasses. Age diminishes us all, even
kept on telling them. There were the Robbie Robertson, but he’s still ridicu-
gentle puppy-love melodies he wrote lously handsome. In conversation, he
for the rockabilly supernova Ronnie is as courteous as a courtesan or as
Hawkins, then the hits that he later winkingly elusive as his long-time com-
wrote for himself. Robertson’s life rade Bob Dylan.
story is something else, the story of Robertson was born Jaime Royal Rob-
rock music itself, its ups and downs, its ertson; Robbie was a neighbourhood

46 november 2020
 nickname, derived, not so originally, Toronto seemed like a good place to
from his last name. His mother, Dolly, start. Everyone from future Guess Who
was Mohawk and Cayuga, and his bio- guitarist Domenic Troiano to Little
logical father, a Jewish man who was Stevie Wonder and the Supremes par-
killed in a hit and run before Robert- tied at the city’s raucous clubs.
son was born, was a professional gam- When Robertson was 15, his band
bler. He was raised from birth by Dolly the Suedes was invited to open for
and his stepfather, Jim Robertson, a Ronnie and the Hawks. It was a revela-
factory worker and war vet. Robert- tion. Ronnie Hawkins had Kirk Doug-
son’s home life wasn’t easy—his par- las looks and James Brown moves. He
ents drank and fought, a lot. Jim would was renowned for his acrobatic stage
beat up Dolly, then turn his violent antics. Robertson had never seen any-
attention to his son. thing like the Hawk, and Hawkins was
After his relatives at Six Nations intro- likewise impressed by Robertson. He
duced him to music, he devoted himself told his drummer, Levon Helm, “He’s
to the guitar, and by 13 he had formed got so much talent it makes me sick.”
his first band, Robbie Robertson and When a spot for a bass player opened
the Rhythm Chords. Rock and roll had up in the Hawks, Robertson dropped
arrived: the radio was alive with Chuck out of high school, quickly taught him-
Berry, Elvis, Buddy Holly and Little self the bass, and took a bus down to
Richard. Robertson, who describes Arkansas, where Hawkins was currently
the discovery of rock as his
“personal big bang,” was Robertson on stage with
completely in its thrall. Bob Dylan at Madison
Everything changed: the Square Garden.
way he dressed and talked
and moved, the way he
combed his hair, the way
GIJSBERT HANEKROOT/ALAMY STOCK PHOTO

he strummed his Fender. Like

it was for millions of teen-
agers, rock was an escape
hatch that could propel him
into an unknown future.
For Robertson, rock also
looked like it could be a job,
one where he could make
some money and have a lot
of fun doing it. At the time,

rd.ca 47
reader’s digest

living, to audition. He knew he was just made them wear. Soon after, they met
a kid from Toronto. He worked as hard a titanic musical force: Bob Dylan.
as he could, which was 10 times harder Dylan had notoriously gone electric in
than everybody else. He learned the set 1965 and was looking for a band that
list inside out—the bass and the guitar could back him. It was the big time,
parts. He rarely slept, and when he did, but it was also an unexpected, dispir-
he slept with his instruments. iting gauntlet. Betrayed folk audiences
“What I was trying to do was impos- dismissed Dylan as a fame-hungry
sible,” Robertson told me, still some- sellout. They booed his shows. Many
what awed by his own audacity. “I’m blamed the Hawks, claiming they were
16 years old. I’m too young to play in ruining Dylan’s music.
any of the places they play. I’m too By that point, Robertson was 22 and
inexperienced to play lead guitar in living in New York. Dylan had opened
this group. And there’s no such thing up his world. Robertson got a suite at
in a Southern rock and roll band as a the Chelsea Hotel. He was meeting
Canadian. With all these odds, it was everybody: Allen Ginsberg, Salvador
impossible. And it was my job to over- Dalí, Carly Simon. On a movie set, he
come the impossibility. And win.” palled around with Marlon Brando,
He got the job. He won. who kindly opened a Coke bottle for
him with his teeth. At Dylan’s first
LEVON HELM quickly became Robert- wedding, he served as best man. A
son’s best buddy in the band, the big world tour took him off the continent
brother he never had. A few years older, for the first time, and he travelled to
Helm was, in some ways, Robertson’s Hawaii, Europe, Australia.
opposite—short, Southern, hotheaded, Dylan, however, was exhausted. A
with a devilish grin and white-gold motorcycle accident in 1966 gave him
hair. As other Hawks left, the rest of the the opportunity to, as he said, “get out
band—Rick Danko, Richard Manuel, of the rat race.” He retreated with his
Garth Hudson—suddenly became young family to Woodstock, in upstate
Canadian. They were a wild, impossi- New York. The Hawks followed, with
bly talented bunch, and Hawkins Danko, Hudson and Manuel settling in
worked them hard. They played six days a ranch house they dubbed Big Pink.
a week and practised all night. Robertson and his future wife moved
Hawkins, they soon realized, was into their own place up the road, and
holding them back. They craved inde- Helm, who had temporarily left the
pendence, wanted to try new things. Hawks, rejoined the gang. They trans-
By 1964, they had split from Hawkins formed the Big Pink basement into a
and abandoned the matching suits he recording studio.

48 november 2020
 The basement became one
of the most legendary labora-
tories in the history of rock.
Here, the group created the
quasi-field recordings and
oddball ditties that became
known as The Basement Tapes.
Here, they composed their
first record, 1968’s Music From
Big Pink, including one of
the most indelible songs in the
American pop canon, “The
Weight.” They then defiantly
renamed themselves the Robertson and members
Band, mainly because that’s of the Band jam at the
what everyone in Woodstock fabled Big Pink studio.
called them.
If Robertson’s discovery of rock and true voice of the group. Robertson
roll had been a big bang, now, at long and Helm vied to be the soul of the
last, he had formed his own galaxy. Band—or at least to be recognized as
such. As the Band became more and
A YEAR LATER, the Band cut their self- more successful, the question of who
titled sophomore record, and it too was responsible for that success
contained instant classics, including became an issue.
“Up on Cripple Creek” and “The Night Robertson had written fewer than
They Drove Old Dixie Down.” The songs half the songs on Big Pink—Manuel
sounded like hymns written in the back- was the other principal songwriter—
room of a 19th-century saloon, boogie- but by the Band’s third album, Stage
woogie ballads. They were woven from Fright, he was writing all of them. Ini-
each of the group’s different singers, tially, the Band had shared the pub-
©DAVID GAHR/MAGNOLIA PICTURES

and no voice seemed more central than lishing royalties equally, but by their
another. This was part of the Band’s sixth studio album, 1975’s Northern
secret, Helm said. Lights–Southern Cross, Robertson had
It would also be its undoing. bought out Manuel, Danko and Hud-
Despite their ostensibly democratic son’s ends. He had written these songs,
configuration, the story of the Band so why shouldn’t he get paid for them?
soon became, as it did for so many At least this is how Robertson tells
musical acts, the story of who was the it. In 1993, Helm published his own

rd.ca 49
reader’s digest

memoir, This Wheel’s on Fire, a rollick- the one who wanted the Band to con-
ing, occasionally vitriolic tell-all that tinue,” he said. “I was the one who was
praises Robertson in one paragraph the driving force in this group, and I
and excoriates him in the next. “The drove it and I drove it until there was
old spirit of one for all and all for one nothing to drive anymore.”
was out the window,” Helm wrote. He didn’t care if I believed him, or
“Resentment just continued to build.” what other people said. They weren’t
That resentment spilled over when there. And they aren’t here now. Except
Robertson proposed, in 1976, after for the reclusive Hudson, Robertson is
seven studio albums, that the Band the only original member still alive. He
stop touring, regroup and figure out was the one who’d survived, he was the
what to do next. He was tired of the one who got the last word, and here he
road, which he’d never liked much to was getting it again with me. He insists
begin with. Plus, he was plotting his that he made peace with Helm before
next move, which he hoped would be he died in 2012. “I thought to myself,
the movies: producing them, writing what all he and I did together and all
music for them, starring in them. the things we came through and the
He befriended Martin Scorsese, a music we made and this life experi-
man who loved music as much as Rob- ence, nothing can compete with that.”
ertson loved movies. They agreed that It must be strange to be an elder,
Scorsese would film the Band’s last though, at this point in rock’s history,
concert, to be held at the Winterland when so many of your musical broth-
Ballroom in San Francisco, where ers are no longer with you and others
they’d played their first show. “The Last are blinking in the twilight. It must be
Waltz,” as Robertson referred to the strange when, like Robertson, you talk
show, was electric, transcendent and and talk about the past, and the stories
joyous, and the ensuing movie is among from the past keep informing the story
the best concert films ever released. of the present. Robertson didn’t see it
Afterward, Robertson refused to tour that way. “My natural mode is moving
with the Band again and would never on, moving on, moving on,” he said.
again make a record with them. “What I’m doing with my life has to do
with today and tomorrow. So these
ROBERTSON KNOWS he’s been vilified. things, it feels good to go there because
But he’s a guy more inclined to self- I don’t go there very often.” That wasn’t
mythologizing than self-reflection. I quite true. It was another story. But I
asked him how it felt to be known as sat and listened.
the guy who had put the Band together © 2019, JASON McBRIDE. FROM “ROBBIE ROBERTSON’S
LAST WALTZ,” TORONTO LIFE (NOVEMBER, 2019),
but who had also torn it apart. “I was TORONTOLIFE.COM

50 november 2020
 Cashier: That’s an
LAUGHTER avocado.
the Best Medicine — @CASHMAN

Protect Your Home

If I were Maria in The In Bad Taste I saved a lot of money
Sound of Music and I A vegan said to me, on a home security sys-
heard them sing “How “People who sell meat tem by hanging a pic-
Do You Solve a Problem are gross!” ture of my paycheque
Like Maria” at my wed- I said, “People who on the front door.
ding, I would be like, sell veggies are grocer.” — @TBONE7219
“Why are you singing — ADELE CLIFF, comedian
that mean song about My sunglasses are pre-
me, and why do all of The Power of Youth scription so if they’re
you know it?” I admire how when stolen, it becomes two
— @BROTIGUPTA babies don’t want to people who can’t see.
hold something any- — @KIMTOPHER22
I didn’t know how to say more, they just drop it.
“pigeon” in Japanese, — @MIXEDMEDIAPAPER
Send us your original
so I just said “bird of jokes! You could earn $50
garbage,” and I think I Avocadon’t and be featured in the
got the point across. Me: I’ll take this magazine. See page 9 or
— @UNBURNTWITCH goth pear. rd.ca/joke for details.

THE BEST JOKE I EVER TOLD

By Darryl Purvis

I’m from the East Coast and my family wanted me to

date a nice East Coast woman, which isn’t easy living
in Toronto. That’s why I think there should be a dating
website just for people from the Maritimes. They
could call it We Used To Have Plenty Of Fish.
MARK BENNETT

Find Purvis online at DarrylPurvis.ca, or

on Twitter and Instagram @dpurcomic.

rd.ca 51
 HEART

Cooking
Through
Grief BY Wendy Litner
After her husband
died, my mother-
in-law found solace
in sharing his
illustration by emily press favourite meals
52 november 2020
 reader’s digest

MY MOTHER-IN-LAW tells me she’s “But I add an extra layer of cheese,”

coming over, so I lock the front door. she tells me.
My four-year-old twins stand with their That’s the kind of person she is—the
hands and faces pressed against the kind to go rogue with cheese when
window. Their excited breath fogs up the situation calls for it. She’s also the
the glass, and they write their names kind of person who continues to care
to pass the time. I need to keep them for her loved ones while in the middle
inside—it’s early April and Toronto is of deep personal grief.
in lockdown. I know they won’t be able In January, Carol lost her husband
to resist hugging their grandmother of 50 years. Yet each week she offers
without being restrained. meatballs, chicken soup or blueberry
“She’s wearing a mask,” I hear one muffins—still warm from her oven—
whisper to the other as she gets out inside of yogourt containers she sets
of the car. aside for such deliveries.
They’ve never seen such a thing, their
bubbe wearing a mask, and they’re CAROL AND MY father-in-law, Ron,
unsure, a little afraid. But as she gets were set up on a blind date in Decem-
closer, they see her holding a large dish ber 1966, while she was still in high
in her gloved hands and an old Tortuga school and he was studying engineer-
rum-cake box piled with cookies. ing at the University of Toronto. Two
“Is that for us?” the boys ask. and a half years later, they married and
She puts it down on the porch as the eventually had four kids. Even later in
boys hold up their drawings for her to life, when I met them, their partner-
see through the door. Her bright eyes ship was filled with the joyful energy
are still visible, and you just know she’s of a good hora and the soulfulness of
smiling under her N95. a mezinke—the dance performed at
We are grateful to have dinner Ashkenazi weddings when a youngest
brought to us tonight. A crisis really child is married off. The mezinke was
calls for a casserole. And a global pan- done at my wedding to their fourth,
demic forcing us to isolate at home and last, child. I can still vividly
indefinitely? That calls for Carol’s remember seeing Ron and Carol on
broccoli-cheese casserole, with its the dance floor wearing floral crowns
layers of melted cheddar, mushroom and big smiles, encircled by friends
soup and soft vegetables, sprinkled and family clapping and singing and
with bread crumbs. It’s a recipe she celebrating them.
learned at a cooking class hosted by a When Ron died, Carol took great
synagogue sisterhood 45 years ago. comfort in the Jewish tradition of

rd.ca 53
reader’s digest

shiva, a week-long period of mourning broccoli and cauliflower, chopping

where people visit the family home of them into florets, dividing them into
the deceased. She’s always been a four separate dishes for the families of
social person, collecting people like her four children.
the dozen dreidels displayed in the “Do you steam the veggies first?” I
glass case in her dining room. But asked her at one drop-off, although
when COVID-19 struck, no one could what I was really asking was: how are
be there by her side any longer. you doing this? How are you grieving
Meanwhile, she feels Ron’s absence in such uncertain times without even
every day in their apartment. At meals, the comfort of being surrounded by
his seat at the table is empty. He’s not the people who love you?
on the balcony to share a cup of coffee “Yes,” she says. “Just enough to
as she watches the city go by. And he’s make them soft.”
not on the couch next to her at night to Then she tells me she’ll be dropping
watch a show on television. But, she a kugel off later in the week. My boys
tells me, since she made all their meals will savour the sweet forkfuls of pasta
for them when he was alive, she still and ricotta. I will too, even though I’m
feels connected to him when she lactose intolerant, because the con-
cooks. And so, she cooks. stancy of her deliveries eases the stress
“I talk to him while I cook,” she says. and anxiety of trying to raise small
“I’m making kugel now and I’ll say, children during a pandemic.
‘Ronnie you loved this kugel. You loved From Carol I’ve learned that grief is
putting sour cream on this kugel. Too love and love is food and none of that
much sour cream. I’m sorry you won’t stops just because we are all separated,
be here to eat it.’” by quarantine or more. We still eat and
we still love and we still mourn.
I FIND MYSELF thinking about Carol This is what I want to tell my boys
alone in her kitchen, preparing food. I when they ask where their zeda has
think about all the steps that go into gone, and why is their bubbe standing
making the casserole. I imagine her so far away. Instead, I give them muf-
standing over the counter, grating the fins. And as they peel off the heart-
cheese, and then the extra cheese, paper wrappers, I tell them, “Bubbe
opening the soup cans, washing the made those specially for you.”

Still Reigning
In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.
TERRY PRATCHETT, AUTHOR

54 november 2020
 WORLD WIDE WEIRD

BY Suzannah Showler

Frog in Your Throat and drifting across

In June, one lucky bid- lanes on Highway 15 I Believe I Can Fly
der took home Sir Isaac near Ogden, Utah, in On three occasions this
Newton’s meditations May, he expected to past summer, Songshan
on causes and cures find a driver who was Airport in downtown
for the common plague. either severely Taipei allowed 60 pas-
The manuscript, which impaired or having a sengers the chance to
sold for $108,083, is medical emergency. check in, collect their
believed to have been Instead, Morgan dis- boarding passes, clear
written shortly after covered a five-year-old security, wait at their
Newton returned to boy perched on the gate and board a China
Cambridge after nearly edge of the driver’s seat, Airlines Airbus. The
two years in self- his feet barely reaching plane’s destination?
quarantine to avoid the the pedals and his head Nowhere. The groups
plague. The document just clearing the dash- were the lucky winners
is unlikely to be of board. The child, who of a contest that let peo-
much use during the had taken the keys to ple role-play a day at
current pandemic, the family car while his the airport—satisfying
however: it includes, teenage sister was nap- their nostalgia for a
among other things, a ping and driven three time when air travel
prescription for driving kilometres across town was still a fun and easy
away disease with loz- before getting on the prospect. Once the
enges made from a freeway, later told baf- passengers boarded,
mixture of toad vomit fled officers that he was though, their trip came
and powdered toad. planning to make it to to an anticlimactic end.
California and buy After being greeted by
On the Lam(bo) a Lamborghini. While flight attendants, buck-
pierre loranger

When Trooper Rick he only had $3 in his ling up and sitting on

Morgan pulled over wallet, he was, at the tarmac, fantasy
an SUV going about least, driving in the travellers deplaned and
51 kilometres per hour right direction. went home.

rd.ca 55
reader’s digest
 DRAMA IN REAL LIFE

Sky Fall
When Walter Osipoff,s parachute caught
on his plane,s tail, leaving him
dangling high above San Diego, his
only hope was a daring mid-air rescue.
By Virginia Kelly

rd.ca 57
reader’s digest

I
t began like any other May morn- started to toss out the last cargo con-
ing in California. The sky was tainer. Somehow, his backpack para-
blue, the sun hot. A slight breeze chute’s automatic-release cord became
riffled the glistening waters of San looped over the cylinder, and his chute
Diego Bay. At the naval airbase was suddenly ripped open. He tried to
on North Island, all was calm. grab the quickly billowing silk, but

PREVIOUS SPREAD: (PORTRAIT) COURTESY OF RICK LAWRENCE; (PLANE) AP/SHUTTERSTOCK; (GRAPH PAPER) MAYTAL AMIR/SHUTTERSTOCK;
At 9:45 a.m., Walter Osipoff, a sandy- the next thing he knew, he had been
haired 23-year-old Marine second lieu- jerked from the plane—sucked out
tenant from Akron, Ohio, boarded a with such force that the impact of his
DC-2 transport plane for a routine para- body ripped a 76-centimetre gash in
chute jump. Lieutenant Bill Lowrey, a the DC-2’s aluminum fuselage.
34-year-old Navy test pilot from New Instead of flowing free, Osipoff’s open
Orleans, was already putting his obser- parachute now wrapped itself around
vation plane through its paces. And the plane’s tail wheel. The chute’s chest

(CLASSIFIED DOCUMENT) REDDAVEBATCAVE/SHUTTERSTOCK; (GOVERNMENT DOCUMENT) ARCHIVE.ORG

John McCants, a husky 41-year-old avi- strap and one leg strap had broken; only
ation chief machinist’s mate from Jor- the second leg strap was still holding—
dan, Montana, was checking out the and it had slipped down to Osipoff’s
aircraft that he was scheduled to fly ankle. One by one, 24 of the 28 lines
later. Before the sun was high in the between his precariously attached har-
noonday sky, these three men would ness and the parachute snapped. He
be linked forever in one of history’s was now hanging some 3.5 metres
most spectacular mid-air rescues. below and 4.5 metres behind the tail of
Osipoff was a seasoned parachutist the plane. Four parachute shroud lines
and a former collegiate wrestling and that had twisted themselves around
gymnastics star. He had joined the his left leg were all that kept him from
National Guard and then the Marines being pitched to the earth.
in 1938. He had already made more Dangling upside down, Osipoff had
than 20 jumps by May 15, 1941. enough presence of mind to not try to
That morning, his DC-2 took off and release his emergency parachute. With
headed for Kearny Mesa, where Osipoff the plane pulling him one way and the
would supervise practice jumps by 12 emergency chute pulling him another,
of his men. Three separate canvas cyl- he realized that he would be torn in
inders, containing ammunition and half. Conscious all the while, he knew
rifles, were also to be parachuted over- that he was hanging by one leg, spin-
board as part of the exercise. ning and bouncing—and he was aware
Nine of the men had already that his ribs hurt. He did not know then
jumped when Osipoff, standing a few that two ribs and three vertebrae had
centimetres from the plane’s door, been fractured.

58 november 2020
 Lt. Col. John J. Capolino, a Philadelphia artist, painted this scene of Osipoff’s rescue in
the 1940s. It belongs to the National Museum of the Marine Corps in Quantico, Virginia.
COURTESY OF U.S. NATIONAL ARCHIVES (PHOTO NO. 127-N-522950)

Inside the plane, the crew struggled was walking toward his office when
to pull Osipoff to safety, but they could he glanced upward. He and John
not reach him. The aircraft was starting McCants, who was working nearby,
to run low on fuel, but an emergency saw the figure dangling from the plane
landing with Osipoff dragging behind at the same time.
would certainly smash him to death. As the DC-2 circled once again,
And pilot Harold Johnson had no radio Lowrey yelled to McCants, “There’s
contact with the ground. a man hanging on that line. Do you
To attract attention below, Johnson suppose we can get him?” McCants
eased the transport down to 90 metres answered grimly, “We can try.”
and started circling North Island. A Lowrey shouted to his mechanics to
few people at the base noticed the get his plane ready for takeoff. It was
plane coming by every few minutes, an SOC-1, a two-seat, open-cockpit
but they assumed that it was towing observation plane, less than eight
some sort of target. Meanwhile, metres long. Recalled Lowrey after-
Bill Lowrey had landed his plane and ward, “I didn’t even know how much

rd.ca 59
reader’s digest

fuel it had.” Turning to McCants, he metres off the ground. They made five
said, “Let’s go!” approaches, but the air proved too
McCants and Lowrey had never bumpy to try for a rescue.
flown together before, but the two men Since radio communication
seemed to take it for granted that they between the two planes was impossi-
were going to attempt the impossible. ble, Lowrey hand-signalled Johnson
“There was only one decision to be to head out over the Pacific, where the
made,” Lowrey said later, “and that was air would be smoother, and they
to go get him. How, we didn’t know. climbed to 1,000 metres. Johnson held
We had no time to plan.” his plane on a straight course and
reduced speed to that of the smaller
plane—160 kilometres an hour.
OSIPOFF WAS HANGING Lowrey flew back and away from
BY ONE FOOT. THEY Osipoff, but level with him. McCants,
HAD TO BE CAREFUL who was in the open seat behind Low-
rey, saw that Osipoff was hanging by
HE DIDN’T SMASH INTO one foot and that blood was dripping
THE PROPELLER. from his helmet. Lowrey edged the
plane closer with such precision that
his manoeuvres jibed with the swings
Nor was there time to get through to of Osipoff’s body. His timing had to be
their commanding officer and request exact so that Osipoff did not smash
permission for the flight. Lowrey simply into the SOC-1’s propeller.
told the tower, “Give me a green light. Finally, Lowrey slipped his upper
I’m taking off.” At the last moment, a left wing under Osipoff’s shroud lines,
Marine ran out to the plane with a hunt- and McCants, standing upright in the
ing knife—for cutting Osipoff loose— rear cockpit—with the plane still going
and dumped it in McCants’s lap. 160 kilometres an hour, a kilometre
As the SOC-1 roared aloft, all activity above the sea—lunged for Osipoff. He
around San Diego seemed to stop. grabbed him at the waist, and Osipoff
Civilians crowded rooftops, children flung his arms around McCants’s
stopped playing at recess, and the men shoulders in a death grip.
of North Island strained their eyes McCants pulled Osipoff into the
upward. With murmured prayers and plane, but since it was only a two-seater,
pounding hearts, the watchers agon- the next problem was where to put him.
ized through the mission’s every move. As Lowrey eased the SOC-1 forward
Within minutes, Lowrey and McCants to get some slack in the chute lines,
were under the transport, flying 90 McCants managed to stretch Osipoff’s

60 november 2020
body across the top of the fuselage, not before he heard sailors applaud-
with Osipoff’s head in his lap. ing the landing.
Because McCants was using both Later on, after lunch, Lowrey and
hands to hold Osipoff, there was no McCants went back to their usual duties.
way for him to cut the cords that still Three weeks later, both men were flown
attached Osipoff to the DC-2. Lowrey to Washington, D.C., where Secretary
then nosed his plane closer and closer of the Navy Frank Knox awarded them
to the transport and, with incredible the Distinguished Flying Cross for exe-
precision, used the propeller to cut the cuting “one of the most brilliant and
shroud lines. After hanging for 33 min- daring rescues in naval history.”
utes between life and death, Osipoff Osipoff spent the next six months in
was finally free. the hospital. The following January,
Lowrey had flown so close to the completely recovered and newly pro-
transport plane that he’d nicked a gash moted to first lieutenant, he went back
in its tail 30 centimetres long. The to parachute jumping. The morning he
parachute, abruptly detached along was to make his first jump after the
with the shroud lines, immediately fell accident, he was cool and laconic, as
downward and wrapped itself around usual. His friends, though, were ner-
Lowrey’s rudder. This meant that Low- vous. One after another, they went up
rey had to fly the SOC-1 without being to reassure him. Each volunteered to
able to control it properly and with jump first so he could follow.
most of Osipoff ’s injured body still Osipoff grinned and shook his head.
dangling outside. “The hell with that!” he said as he fas-
Five minutes later, Lowrey somehow tened his parachute. “I know damn well
managed to touch down at North Island, I’m going to make it.” And he did.
and the little plane rolled to a stop.
THIS ARTICLE FIRST APPEARED IN THE MAY 1975 ISSUE
Osipoff finally lost consciousness—but OF READER’S DIGEST.

Things to Do
Everybody’s a mad scientist, and life is their lab. We’re all trying to experiment
to find a way to live, to solve problems, to fend off madness and chaos.
DAVID CRONENBERG

I can’t play bridge. I don’t play tennis. All those things that people learn, and I
admire, there hasn’t seemed time for. But what there is time for is looking out
the window.
ALICE MUNRO

rd.ca 61
reader’s digest

AS KIDS SEE IT

During a summer-camp My daughter got really George and why do we

singalong around the into the baseball game keep cheering for him?”
campfire, I grabbed my we’d attended, doing all — WHATTOEXPECT.COM

guitar and accompan- the chants. One of the

ied the kids. After five cheers has horn-tooting Just after my son turned
or six songs, I asked, followed by yelling three, his little sister
“Okay, what should we “Charge!” After doing was born. He was
sing next?” this with me for almost delighted to see her but
MIKE SHIELL

One 10-year-old half the game, my didn’t really know what

requested, “A cappella.” daughter turned to me a newborn baby was
— GEORGE HEROUX and asked, “Who is like. He observed her

62 november 2020
for a while, then said, Self-confidence is my four-year-old asking
“She doesn’t move… me to turn off the ceiling fan so he can
She needs a battery!”
— YU HINTON,
show me how high he jumps.
Kelowna, B.C. — @HENPECKEDHAL

Three-year-old: Can I were asking about his Teachers share the

tell you a question? fish finder, and he funniest things their
Me: You’d fit in well at explained that it showed students have said:
an academic talk. how deep the lake was. )I wrote this on the
— @JESSICACALARCO He mentioned the water whiteboard during
was 20 feet deep. Look- discussion, “William
During our “careers” ing amazed, my sister Shakespeare (1564-
meeting at Brownies, asked, “Whose feet? 1616),” and a sixth
the girls were sharing Yours or mine?” grader asked me, “Is
their aspirations: nurse, — WHATTOEXPECT.COM that Shakespeare’s real
teacher, chef, vet. Then phone number?”
an odd one: manager. Attempting to stay calm, )I once overheard a
Curious, I asked the I asked my five-year-old student say, “I used to
seven-year-old why she if there was a spider on write my name in cur-
wanted to be a manager. my back. He gave me a sive. Now I just write it
She responded, “My quick once-over, in English.”
daddy says his manager screamed and ran away. )I commented in class
doesn’t do anything all — ASHLEY ASHFIELD, that if your parents have
day, so I want that job.” Hampton, N.B. glasses, then you will
— HANNAH BARKLEY, probably end up having
Morrisburg, Ont. Me, to my eight-year-old: to get glasses, too. One
Why do you watch You- of my students yelled
A dark day for parents Tube videos of other out, “Oh no! My mom
is when their child people playing video has glasses! Oh, wait.
learns what “hypo- games when you could I’m adopted!”
crite” means. play them yourself? — WEARETEACHERS.COM

— @RODLACROIX Eight-year-old: Well,

why do you watch Tik-
Send us your original
My dad took my four- Tok videos of people jokes! You could earn $50
year-old brother and dancing when you could and be featured in the
five-year-old sister fish- do the dances yourself? magazine. See page 9 or
ing on his boat. They — @SIX_PACK_MOM rd.ca/joke for details.

rd.ca 63
 SOCIETY

A F T E R T H E
E A R T H Q U A K E
I didn’t know what I was getting myself
into when I volunteered
to help at a hospital in Haiti—
or how it would change my life

BY Andrew Furey
EXCERP TED FROM HOPE IN THE BAL ANCE:
A NEWFOUNDL AND D O CTOR MEETS A WORLD IN CRISIS

64 november 2020
reader’s digest
reader’s digest

PORT-AU-PRINCE, JUNE 2010 used to be a birthing suite. It feels like

The plastic door creaks on hinges rigged a prison cell: four concrete walls, a
with paper and tape. Inside, the floor small window and a small door.
is plastic, with three sweaty concrete- There is no air conditioner, and it’s
block walls. There are a couple of dark. There’s enough room for a single
operating tables and an anaesthesia bed and little else. We could use this,
machine. Two procedures could be but only for minor procedures such as
done simultaneously, one with a venti- suturing wounds. I leave the building,
lator and one with spinal anaesthesia. my nose stinging from the odour of
There are two oxygen-saturation moni- formaldehyde.
tors and multiple large cylinders of oxy- The sun is cutting through the tree-
gen. The surgical beds are old and feel top canopy that covers the waiting area
cold. Just as I am thinking that the room outside the operating-room building.
is well-lit, the lights flicker and dim. It’s around 10 a.m. and it’s getting hot-
I’m being taken on a tour of the ter by the second. We proceed to tour
trauma hospital at which I’ll be work- the rest of the facilities.
ing for the next week. I’m volunteering We quickly pass through the tent
here as part of the relief effort after wards, listening like interns. The tents
the earthquake devastated Haiti the are jam-packed with people. Beds line
preceding January. Travelling with me one or both walls, leaving narrow cor-
from St. John’s are my wife, Allison (a ridors for nurses, doctors and families
pediatric emergency doctor) and my to pass along.
colleague Dr. Will Moores, a resident By a desk at one end of the second
orthopaedic surgeon. tent sits a single woman who appears
An overworked air conditioner hums cachectic—a word we use for emaci-

(PREVIOUS SPREAD) THE CANADIAN PRESS/ADRIAN WYLD

somewhere. An anaesthesia machine ated—fatigued and quiet. From afar,
beeps. Two Haitian nurses stand by in she looks to be in her late 50s, but as we
silence. All I can see is their eyes. Quiet get closer, I see that she can be no older
eyes. Thousand-mile-stare eyes. than 25. She sits in a chair by a bed with
The anaesthesiologist on our team no sheets on it, the green plastic mat-
mulls over the machine, the general tress fully exposed. She leans against
surgeon examines the trays of tools the bed, and her white nightgown is
and our nurses look around the room. falling off her now-visible skeleton.
With Will, I begin poking around what Her eyes are far different than the large,
would be our side of the room, looking silent eyes I have seen in others. They
for things we might need in the next are sunken and yellowed. She looks so
few days. We leave the operating room alone. The bustle of the other tent is
and pass through a corridor into what eerily absent.

66 november 2020
 Later on, after we see the other great friends, exchanging stories of
patients in the front of the tent, we family members and daily routines.
step outside, and the local medical Worrying about your kids feels univer-
staff tell us that the lone girl has AIDS sal in these moments. Wicharly even-
and likely TB. It’s horrifying to think of tually tells us that he is a painter, and at
this poor girl’s fate—the disease, the the end of the week he gives Allison
accompanying solitude. Where is her one of his paintings. It still hangs in our
hope? Her sunken eyes are ingrained kitchen in Newfoundland.
in my mind forever. The blue booties and gown are on,
As soon as rounds are over, the group the patient is placed on an ancient gur-
disperses and the surgical team retreats ney, and we roll into the OR. The air
to the corridors of the operating-room conditioner is still not fully working,
building. The team is nervous; you can but it’s cooler here than in the other
sense the tension. We had only just met rooms. There is a procedure already

WE TRY TO PRIORITIZE AS BEST WE CAN.

THERE’S NO LIGHT BOX, SO WE HOLD
X-RAYS UP TO THE SUN.

the local crew and I can barely remem- under way, with the general surgeon
ber their names. Yet here we are. Will repairing a trapped hernia on the table
and I sit, my legs bouncing rapidly up with the anaesthesia machine. The hip
and down, as the next patient gets ready will be partially replaced on the other
in the pre-op assessment area. We OR table, under spinal anaesthesia.
review the X-rays of the fractured hip This will be a first for me. It’s like a
and take pictures to document the case. scene out of M*A*S*H where the sur-
Everyone’s a bit anxious as we wait geon at one table can talk to another
for the beginning of the series of steps across the way, nurses circulating to
that routinely lead to an operation. Alli- help both patients.
son is introduced to her translator for The gurney wheels screech to a halt
the week. Wicharly Charles is a young and the patient is transferred onto the
man of short, slim stature. He has a big OR table and placed on his side. He
smile and a bouncing energy that seem winces with the move but is otherwise
to lift everyone around him. Over the stoic. We firmly attach the patient to
week, Allison and Wicharly become the table so he can’t move or fall, and

rd.ca 67
reader’s digest

the nurses do the prep. Will and I leave into an operating room. We replaced
the OR to get ready. The masks go up, a patient’s hip in conditions I would
eye protection goes on, and as we never have dreamed possible. I keep
stand in silence and scrub methodic- repeating in my head: I can do this. I
ally, all the potential things that can go can do this. The heat reminds me of
wrong rush through my head. Then where I am, and there is no escaping
there is a calm and all doubt leaves. the sweat. My scrubs are drenched, and
One benefit of surgical experience is it looks like I just showered in them.
that, as gut-turned stressed as I am, my Outside the OR, the lineup of
hands are steady. The knife confidently patients stretches out of the courtyard.
and firmly goes through the skin. Allison and the rest of the team are
The surgery is over, and thankfully it working feverishly to push through as
was not a particularly tough one. But I many patients as possible, and there’s
still have this lingering excitement, as a subset of patients with broken bones
if it is the first time I have ever walked for us to triage.

Dr. Andrew Furey

examining a
patient in Haiti.

68 november 2020
 We go through the cases and try to My focus is redirected as the team
prioritize them as best we can. There’s leader tells us we need to plan to leave
no light box, so we hold X-rays up to the site in 10 minutes. There is an
the bright sun to illuminate their find- urgency, as we are all aware of the set-
ings. Will and I know we have our work ting sun and what dangers—robberies
cut out for us with each broken, and kidnappings among them—come
cracked or shattered bone we see. It’s with darkness.
a mess, and these people have been in We wend our way through the streets
severe pain for a long time with not so of Port-au-Prince, slowly tracing our
much as an Aspirin. We organize the way back up the hill to our home for the
list with the nurses and settle an order week. I’d fallen asleep, but I stir when
for the cases this week. the convoy pulls to a stop, and we pro-
Next up is a man whose leg was bro- ceed, with our armed escort, back
ken in the earthquake. He has been into the heavily guarded house that
struggling to walk for five months, and feels more like a compound. We all sit

JUST AS THE TOURNIQUET GOES ON,

ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE. WE LOSE POWER,
NURSES DASH OUT OF THE OPERATING ROOM.

we think we can help him, and save the exhausted. Tonight we will sleep on a
leg, with routine surgery. bed under the hum of a generator and
Just as the tourniquet goes on, all hell the scent of the mosquito net. I lather
breaks loose. We lose power. The local up in fly repellent, grab a slice of pizza
nurses dash out of the operating room, and a cold beer, and within minutes I
knocking things over in the dark, their am nodding off again. The lights are still
screams filling the room and the hall. It on, and everyone else is still awake.
gets worse. There’s a bleeding artery. As I drift off, some faces from the day
COURTESY OF ANDREW FUREY

We have no control, no light, no help. revisit me. I wonder where the despon-
The room feels 10 times hotter. Panic. dent girl with AIDS is tonight. What
Blood moving in the dark. Focus returns was her life like before all this? Where,
before the lights. Muscle memory kicks if anywhere, does she find joy?
in again. Deep breath. Keep it together I think about some of the faces in the
till the bleeding is under control and the lineup outside the OR—the pain they
surgery is finished. are in, but the smiles they somehow

rd.ca 69
reader’s digest

manage to find. I have never witnessed well-worn rope that hangs off the end
hope in the eyes of patients like I of the bed with a bucket containing
have in Haiti. rocks at its end.
It’s primitive traction. It catches me
THE NEXT DAY starts on a positive note. off guard, and I find myself staring at it
It feels like some order is making its as if it’s a display in a medical museum.
way into the disorder. We wake, shower Traction is a form of treatment used
and descend toward the hospital. It years ago to prevent broken bones
takes about 45 minutes in the endless from moving so they would heal. It was
traffic, and we decide to set out earlier usually rigged with a series of pulleys
tomorrow to avoid the craziness. As and wasn’t meant to be used for long—
we pull through the hospital gates, the you could die from blood clots and
funeral home is present in the back- infections. But this man had been lying
ground. We spend less time getting flat on his back with the bucket pulling
ready today and jump in right away as on him for months. If left much longer,
the team scurries to their duties. it will pull him to his death.

A GIRL IN PIGTAILS WITH THE SERIOUS

EXPRESSION OF SOMEONE FAR OLDER WOULDN’T
LEAVE THE SIDE OF HER INJURED GRANDFATHER.

Will and I begin rounds, checking His granddaughter is his bedside

on patients we operated on the day companion. She can’t be any more
before. We still haven’t mastered expe- than 11, in a dirty dress, pigtails and
diently getting through patient rounds the serious expression of someone far
in tents; more time with patients means older. She did not leave her grand-
it takes far longer than we would like. It father’s side the entire time.
is now almost 11 a.m. and we have not Will begins explaining the surgery
operated yet. to the patient and the girl through an
The first surgery case is another hip interpreter. Once we are finished the
replacement. The patient, we are told, explanation, the granddaughter nods
has had a broken hip since the time her head, there is a conversation in
of the earthquake and has been in a Creole, and they agree to go ahead.
tent hospital since. He is lying there She walks alongside her grandfather
with a pin in his shin attached to a while he is carried on the stretcher to

70 november 2020
the operating room, then waits outside a room where a large chunk of rubble
in the courtyard. has collapsed directly onto a hospital
Things go smoothly. The procedure bed, the green walls still bright.
is routine, and I’m confident in the out- On the other side of the room lies
come. Will and I escort the patient to another outside courtyard. Standing
the makeshift recovery room. We will among garbage and rubble is one
wait until he is stabilized before mak- building that looks relatively well-
ing the journey through the collapsed preserved. It is the X-ray suite. Outside
portion of the hospital to get his post- the doors, in the direct sun, are X-ray
operative X-ray done. films hanging to dry.
The surgery has taken a few hours, There is a delay in the doors opening,
but as I walk out of the building, the as the X-ray personnel are busy listening
young girl is still sitting there. There is to a soccer match on the radio. Eventu-
no translator near. When she sees me, ally our patient is taken in, and the
she leaps to her feet. I slow my pace doors close. Around the corner, there’s
and smile. She smiles and for the first a room that is collapsed except for
time she looks her age. I give her the one intact wall with windows. Peering
thumbs-up, and she sits back down through a broken window, I see that it
with the smile still on her face. is—or was—a cafeteria.
All I can see is my own daughters The disturbing image of life at
sitting there, waiting for news from a the time of a disaster is replaced by the
surgeon. I get fidgety and I’m suddenly smile of the young girl as we return her
uncomfortable with my emotions, so I grandfather to his bed. The smile, the
turn away and wait for Will. hope in her eyes, the commitment to
We take the patient across the her grandfather—she smiles in spite
uneven pavement of the courtyard. On of her surroundings.
our way, other team members stop us I am buoyed by this case, and it sus-
to look at X-rays and hear of patients to tains me for the remainder of the days
be seen. We balance the stretcher care- of that first week-long trip.
fully as we pass through a makeshift EXCERPTED FROM HOPE IN THE BALANCE, BY ANDREW
FUREY. COPYRIGHT © 2020 ANDREW FUREY. PUBLISHED BY
gateway that leads into one of the most DOUBLEDAY CANADA, A DIVISION OF PENGUIN RANDOM
HOUSE CANADA LIMITED. REPRODUCED BY ARRANGEMENT
damaged areas of the hospital, through WITH THE PUBLISHER. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Where the Wild Things Are

There’s something in human nature that says we need to have at least one
symbolic place where chaos and dark desires can live.
ANDREW PYPER, NOVELIST

rd.ca 71
 LIFE LESSON

Benefits
The

of Self-Care
Simple ways to boost your
resiliency during tough times

BY Kate Carraway
illustration by salini perera

last march and april, I woke up every A difference-maker throughout this

morning trying to shake off a bad time, however, has been my self-care
dream—something grey and heavy, routine, a set of practices and habits that
something about a virus. Every morn- I’ve followed since my 20s, before I even
ing, I’d realize it was, somehow, real. knew there was a “self-care” movement.
But even as I have integrated the “new While the term “self-care” might
normal” of lockdown and social dis- bring to mind Instagram hashtags and
tancing into my consciousness, the spa days, it has two legitimate origins.
stress, fear and grief of the situation Before it went mainstream, “self-care"
can still overwhelm me. was used to describe guidance on what

72 november 2020
reader’s digest

sick people and their caretakers should all that relaxing.” That’s partly because
do to support the work of getting meditators are encouraged to sit upright
healthy. And, women and Black peo- on a mat or cushion on the floor; I like
ple used the term to describe the kind to meditate in bed. Watkins says, “You
of care not provided by a white, patri- want to sit in a way that feels absolutely
archal medical establishment. comfortable, like you’re watching tele-
It’s fortunate that self-care is now vision,” and he notes that a sofa or read-
more widespread, as people of any age ing chair works well enough.
can make use of the movement’s les- And while various meditation prac-
sons during this pandemic. Here are tices involve focusing on something
some starting points. specific—the breath or a visualization—
Watkins suggests to instead try mental
Settle Your Mind “roaming.” With your eyes closed, let
Even before COVID-19 arrived in yourself think about the past, the future,
Canada, we had been experiencing a conversations, songs—whatever comes
mental health crisis. According to the up. “You don’t want to wrestle with your
Mental Health Commission of Can- thoughts,” he says. “The practice is to
ada, mental health challenges cause adopt an attitude of complete noncha-
around 500,000 people to miss work lance.” Counterintuitively, letting your
each week. And in a recent Morneau mind wander freely allows it to settle.
Shepell survey, 36 per cent of Ontari- Meditation won’t reverse decades of
ans reported their mental health has accumulated stress, Watkins warns. But
suffered since the pandemic began. with time, you’re more likely to become
One pillar of self-care that can help resilient when you need to be.
ease the mental burden—and which
also happens to be simple, efficient Roll Away Stress
and free—is meditation. The positive When you’re under stress, over-
impact of meditation on anxiety, whelmed or, yes, living through a pan-
depression, focus and even physical demic, regular exercise can be one of
pain has been so well-established that the first healthy habits to go. Yet mov-
it is now used in schools, on sports ing your body is a core principle of
teams and in corporate offices. self-care and one of the best defences
Still, it can be difficult to create and against stress. For anyone who feels
maintain a regular meditation practice. that squeezing in a workout is too
Light Watkins, a nomadic meditation much right now, Melanie Caines, a
teacher who’s settled in Atlanta for the yoga teacher in St. John’s, Nfld., sug-
pandemic, says that a lot of people don’t gests movement needn’t mean doing
meditate because, at first, “It doesn’t feel a serious workout every day. “A little

74 november 2020
goes a long way,” she says. In fact, to Toronto naturopathic doctor Nikita
some targeted, gentle exercises can do Sander, is vitamin D. She notes that the
a lot to relax your entire body. nutrient is protective in many ways and
Since the average person is inclined is key for mental health: “Vitamin D
to hunch their shoulders when they helps regulate adrenalin and dopamine
work, read or even walk, Caines rec- production, and prevents the depletion
ommends taking a break for shoulder of serotonin in the brain, making it
rolls. To do this, start by inhaling, lift- important for protecting against mood
ing the shoulders toward the ears, disorders like depression.”
exhaling and “smoothly and gently” Vitamin D also supports the immune
rolling the shoulders back and down. system. Sander notes that deficient
Caines advises to do this without any levels of it have been associated with
“jerky movements,” but instead with certain cancers, autoimmune disease,
“fluidity and ease”—and only if it feels obesity, diabetes and cardiovascular
good and there’s no pain. disease. “This suggests that vitamin D
Another activity that people often has a much greater role in our overall
don’t make time for is intentional health than we yet understand.”
breathing. “We breathe just enough Sander also encourages people to
to stay alive and stay conscious,” says consider taking an adaptogen, which
Caines, “and we don’t use this incredi- is an herbal supplement that helps the
bly powerful tool that we have in our body cope with stress. She likes ashwa-
back pockets.” For a reset at any time gandha, which can help balance corti-
during the day, she suggests taking a sol, a stress hormone. “When our cor-
breath in through the nose, opening the tisol is high, that can often wreak havoc
mouth and sighing. “Physically, you’ll on other aspects of our health, includ-
start to release tension and soften.” ing our energy levels, our ability to
sleep and our ability to stay calm,” she
Get Your Vitamins says. As always, however, discuss any
It’s easy to resort to unhealthy foods as new supplements with your doctor
a comfort or distraction during a diffi- first to avoid any contraindications.
cult time, which only makes it harder Self-care can extend in many direc-
for your body to deal with stress. An tions. Over the last few months, I
important self-care tactic is to be mind- upped my own routine by starting a
ful about what you’re eating and con- running program with a friend, taking
sider adding some nutritional support. barefoot “grounding” walks in the
In general, this means a balanced backyard and keeping a daily journal.
diet that is right for your needs. But one Self-care, as the name suggests, is
commonly overlooked piece, according whatever you make it.

rd.ca 75
 SOCIETY

Westworld In her new book Along the Western Front,

the photographer Leah Hennel captures
the ranches, rodeos and romance of
Southern and Central Alberta

76 november 2020
 reader’s digest

d
 reader’s digest

L
eah Hennel’s love affair
with rural Alberta life
began around age nine,
when her Calgary par-
ents would send her and
her brother to spend
part of the summer at
the family’s ancestral ranch. There were
horses, open fields and—memora-
bly—the time her great aunt Phyllis
showed her how to slaughter and pluck
her own chicken for supper.
Hennel became an esteemed photo-
journalist, working for the Calgary Sun
and the Calgary Herald. Her favourite
assignments took her out of the city
to farms, working ranches and annual
rodeos. She was attracted to the vistas
and the magical quality of the light, as
well as to the history of these places
(including one where the Sundance
Kid trained horses) and the drama of
an afternoon of cattle branding.
This year, she collected her favourite
photos into a book, Along the Western
ALL PHOTOS: © 2020, LEAH HENNEL

Front. The pictures introduce us to the

pride of the families who run the sto-
ried ranches, the beauty of their horses
and the bravery of the riders who com-
pete at the rodeos. It documents a way
of life that’s changed little in the last
couple hundred years—and with any
luck will last 100 more. —MARK PUPO

78 november 2020
Rodeo world: (clockwise
from left) bucking horses
at a ranch near Hanna,
Alberta; sidesaddle
racer Sam Mitchell at the
2018 Calgary Stampede;
backstage at a 2014
bareback bronc event;
a young steer rider.

rd.ca 79
reader’s digest
Cattle call: (clockwise
from top left) steer rider
Bailey Schellenberg;
practising lassoing;
roping calves; a bull
rider at a 2014 Calgary
pro rodeo.

rd.ca 81
reader’s digest
On the ranch:
(clockwise from top
left) riders preparing
for branding at the Lazy
U Ranch near Pincher
Creek, Alberta; Lilian
Gross helps hold a calf
during branding at a
Pincher Creek Hutterite
colony; Tate Chattaway
tends to horses at the
Bar S Ranch; ranchers
Cobie and Dana Herr with
their daughter Reata.

rd.ca 83
 HUMOUR

look. listen. when you’re a busy career

woman and mom of 17 who’s always

I ACCIDENTALLY on the go and just trying to have it all,

grocery trips need to be quick, efficient

BOUGHT A BAG affairs. I’ve learned to anticipate well

in advance that at some point, my

OF NO-PURPOSE 284-week-old triplets will once again

want to make ferret-shaped cupcakes.

FLOUR. And I’ve learned to be prepared. Or so

I thought.

NOW WHAT???
I can’t explain how it happened. I
remember being in the grocery store.
I remember grabbing the bag of flour
off the shelf. No I did not, quote,
BY Sophie Kohn “HAVE TIME” to check if the bag
illustration by joren cull said “All-Purpose,” “Some-Purpose,”
“Undisclosed-Purpose” or “Still Search-
ing For Its Purpose.” But when I got

84 november 2020
 reader’s digest

home and dumped my groceries on the a soft and useless pile on the linoleum.
kitchen island, it became clear: the bag I attempted to use the remnants of
said “No-Purpose.” It was one of the the pile to make some homemade play-
most chilling moments of my adult life, dough for the kids, but the nanosecond
perhaps second only to the night my the substance was ready, it formed itself
three toddlers informed me in unison into letters that spelled “GET LOST.”
that they needed to make ferret-shaped It then evaporated instantly before
cupcakes. They were standing over my my eyes. No, I have not been enthusi-
bed when they said it. It was 4:12 a.m. astically celebrating legalization; this
Okay, so: no-purpose flour. Could really happened.
just be a mistake on the packaging.
Why would such a product even exist
if it had no purpose? My first impulse I HAVE DEVOTED
was to disregard the label entirely. I see THE REMAINDER OF
now how deeply foolish that was. MY NATURAL LIFE TO
I quickly whipped up a test batch of
cupcakes alone in the kitchen. But when PROVING THE FLOUR’S
I took them out of the oven, the flour PURPOSELESSNESS.
had become rock hard. It cost me 91 per
cent of my teeth to make this discovery.
Whilst sitting in my dentist’s waiting I then returned to the store and pur-
room, I solemnly promised a terrible chased a new bag of no-purpose flour,
oil painting of some boats on a wall determined to start fresh and use it as
before me that I would not panic just a hand weight during my home work-
yet. Okay, so maybe the flour had “no outs, but it inexplicably became lighter
purpose” within the realm of baking, than the air itself.
but surely it had a purpose in the realm At the time of this writing, there is no
of, like, the world. I didn’t want to just known purpose for this flour. I have
throw it out. now quit my job as a popular horse
I rushed home with a brilliant, psychic and devoted the remainder of
waste-conscious idea: I would use the my natural life to the pursuit of proving
remaining bag of flour as a doorstop. the flour’s purposelessness to any and
The kitchen door is always swinging all doubters.
and flinging about, and this was the How is that working out so far? Let’s
perfect solution. Except, it wasn’t at all. just say it’s time to strike “dry sham-
I’m dismayed to report that the bag poo??” off my list because I tested that
disintegrated within 10-12 business theory 10 minutes ago and am now
minutes and the flour seeped out into legally bald as a result.

rd.ca 85
reader’s digest

GOOD VIRUS
THE

BY Mark Czarnecki
FROM MAISONNEUVE

86 november 2020
 EDITORS’ CHOICE

The tiny bacteria-eaters

may hold the answer
to today’s increasingly
Way back in 1917, powerful superbugs.
a Canadian scientist
pioneered
PHAGE THERAPY.
reader’s digest

J
eff Summerhayes knew the Phage therapy is a controversial
drill. The bleak hospital treatment that uses a type of virus to
corridors, the calls on the defeat bacterial infection. (Phage is pro-
intercom, the IV tubes in nounced like “page”—the “h” is silent.)
his arms dangling from their The treatment has likely saved thou-
holders like chandeliers— sands of lives worldwide over the
all have been familiar since childhood. decades and is still used throughout
But the bug was still in him, and all the Eastern Europe. In North America,
antibiotics had failed. In September however, phages were all but aban-
2018, at age 56, he was lying in a bed at doned after World War II. Although
Vancouver General Hospital with his phage therapy is now starting to make
sister sitting beside him, both expect- a comeback in the United States, it
ing to hear, once again, that he didn’t hasn’t been legally used in Canada
have long to live. since 1949, even though a Canadian
Summerhayes has cystic fibrosis (CF), scientist pioneered the treatment.
a life-shortening genetic condition that Today, the story behind the field is
thickens mucus, renders breathing barely known to most Canadians.
laborious and transforms your lungs That’s now changing as the world
into prime breeding grounds for bacte- faces a new scare big enough to out-
ria. For the last 40 years, Summerhayes weigh some of the doubts: extremely
had lived with a strain of Burkholderia antibiotic-resistant bacteria like Sum-
cenocepacia, one of the deadliest of merhayes’s B. cenocepacia, otherwise
all CF infections, lodged in his lungs. known as “superbugs.” And, after all
A double lung transplant that Septem- this time, Canadian researchers are
ber had left him with a fifty-fifty still poised to be at the field’s forefront,
chance of extending his life for another if only they can get the necessary sup-
year, as long as the bug didn’t return. port of their government. (PREVIOUS SPREAD) DAVID MACK/SCIENCE SOURCE

But it did, immediately, and the doc- As Cariou tells it, the doctor dis-
tors were out of options. missed her suggestion: “We don’t do
Fortunately, Summerhayes’s sister, that here.” The doctor warned that,
Heather Summerhayes Cariou, wasn’t. even in the U.S., phage had been used
The 68-year-old author had done her only a handful of times. “It’s very exper-
homework. When the infectious dis- imental,” she told the siblings. “There
ease doctor arrived for the consultation, has been no clinical trial.” Politely,
Cariou urged her to scour the globe for Cariou rejected this caution. “If Jeff is
new, off-the-wall antibiotics. Then she willing to take the risk, then we’re ask-
asked something she had asked many ing Vancouver General to join him in
times before: “What about phage?” taking that risk.”

88 november 2020
since the inception of life eons ago, antimicrobials continues to decline,
bacteria have been evolving and mutat- with some experts predicting that by
ing to counter threats to their survival 2050, 40 per cent of infections will not
from various antibacterial agents that respond to the drugs generally used
occur in nature. This conflict carries to treat them. If the trend continues,
on daily in the sea, on the land and in common strep throat or even a small
our bodies. infected cut could have no cure and
Antibiotic medicine is essentially might be fatal. Recruiting phages is one
made of natural antibacterials rede- of the few viable solutions remaining
signed to deal a knockout blow to to defeat these killer bacteria.
infectious bacteria. But it hasn’t quite Bacteriophages (literally “bacteria
worked out that way. Global over- eaters,” called “phages” for short) are
prescription of antibiotics and their viruses that destroy bacteria. From a
misuse as preventive measures have human perspective, viruses are con-
spurred superbugs to mutate and defeat sidered either good (like phages that
virtually all antibiotics. attack superbugs) or bad (like COVID-
19), but in nature the distinction is
irrelevant. Wherever there are bacte-
ONE DAY SOON, EVEN ria—and human intestines contain bil-
STREP THROAT OR A lions—even tinier phages exist, as well;
SMALL INFECTED CUT phages are, in fact, the most ubiqui-
tous life form on the planet and prob-
COULD HAVE NO CURE ably the oldest antibacterial found in
AND MIGHT BE FATAL. nature. The advantage of phages as
bacteria-killers is that, unlike antibiot-
ics—which nuke many bacteria in the
The World Health Organization and body, both bad and good—a phage
United Nations estimate that antimi- attacks only one species or strain.
crobial resistance (AMR)—the ability Thousands of researchers around
of all varieties of superbugs, including the world are studying phages, but
bacteria, viruses and fungi, to defeat very few are focused on phage ther-
human treatment—annually causes apy. Jonathan Dennis, a microbiolo-
700,000 deaths worldwide. It’s a num- gist at the University of Alberta and
ber some researchers believe is far too one of Canada’s leading phage therapy
low, and is predicted to rise to 10 mil- researchers, has an even narrower
lion per year by 2050, resulting in more focus: compassionate-use cases, in
deaths than those from cancer. which a patient’s life is on the brink.
Meanwhile, the curative power of Moved by the plight of B. cenocepacia

rd.ca 89
reader’s digest

sufferers like Jeff Summerhayes, he has it to produce many copies of the virus
made conquering the bacteria and its at the cost of the host’s life. These
relatives his life’s work. phages then burst out of the host cell
The core of every phage researcher’s to attack surrounding bacteria.
lab is its phage bank or library. Dennis’s After an isolated boost of funding for
phage bank, a large sliding-door refrig- his phage therapy research early this
erator, preserves hundreds of phages century, Dennis now struggles to over-
at different stages of preparation. It come knee-jerk opposition from gov-
also contains about 300 environmental ernment funders to every grant pro-
samples from sources rich in bacteria posal. These funding woes frustrate
where healing phages might be found: Cariou: “This man is doing break-
the soil around plant roots, bird drop- through research,” she says. “My God,
pings and sewage outlets, especially what’s wrong with you, Canada?”
from hospitals, where the excrement
from recovering infectious disease the methods dennis relies upon today—
patients may contain curative phages. isolating the bacteria and testing phages
Researchers have their “aha” against them one by one—have hardly
moments when they watch, on a petri changed since the viruses were first
dish, as widening circles of phage discovered over a century ago. The man
devour a bacterial culture. Behind those who co-discovered and named phages
moments lie weeks, months, even years was also Canadian: Félix d’Hérelle, born
of work spent isolating a likely phage, in Montreal in 1873.
sequencing its genome and determin- In 1917, working at the Pasteur Insti-
ing where and how it attacks the bac- tute in Paris, d’Hérelle made an inter-
terial cell. As a phage is being identi- esting observation. When he applied a
fied as a match for a bacterial strain, it solution from the stools of recovering
must also be purified of possible toxins dysentery patients to a culture of dys-
that might trigger a damaging response entery bacteria, the bacteria disap-
in the patient. peared. Though not the first to observe
When Dennis views individual the phenomenon, d’Hérelle drew a
phages through an electron micro- new conclusion: a virus in the stools
scope, he sees a geometric head, like a had attacked the bacteria in these
lunar lander, perched on incredibly patients and triggered their recovery.
delicate legs. These legs surround a Noting the phage in his petri dish
long probe that pierces the bacterial spread out to destroy the whole bacter-
cell and injects the phage’s DNA into ial culture, he also deduced that the
NIK WEST

the host. In most cases, this hijacks the virus was reproducing itself in the pro-
host’s replication mechanisms, forcing cess of killing the bacteria. The cocksure

90 november 2020
Jeff Summerhayes is
prone to antibiotic-
resistant infections.
He wants phage
therapy approved
for people like him.
reader’s digest

d’Hérelle was convinced he’d found Western Europe and North America,
a cure for dysentery—and a form of and d’Hérelle also helped his one-time
microbe that could cure other infec- student George Eliava found a micro-
tious diseases, as well. These conclu- biology institute in Georgia (then a
sions were a milestone in humanity’s republic in the Soviet Union). Working
war on bacterial infections. with d’Hérelle’s treatments, staff at
D’Hérelle’s knowledge of phage biol- the Eliava Institute quickly became
ogy was basic; genes had barely been experts in phage therapy and continue
named, and molecular biology was to administer phage treatment today.
not yet born. His goal was to heal, and
his approach was pragmatic. When
several young people with dysentery “BECAUSE OF PHAGE
recovered after he’d treated them THERAPY, I WAS CURED
with phages, d’Hérelle’s main concern OF SOMETHING THAT
wasn’t to prove beyond a shadow of a
doubt that phages were responsible for WAS NOT OFFICIALLY
the cure. For him, their recovery was CURABLE.”
enough to justify the method, and he
became its flamboyant promoter.
Once d’Hérelle published his results, Unfortunately, the treatment’s suc-
interest in phage therapy spread quickly, cess planted the seeds for its own
especially in countries where infec- downfall. The vast numbers of patients
tious diseases like dysentery, cholera claiming cure by phages overwhelmed
and typhoid fever were rampant. These the need to examine their biology and
were garden-variety pathogens, so his chemistry more closely, which meant
success was partly due to filling a big that when the treatment failed, expla-
basket with low-hanging fruit. nations were sometimes lacking. And
D’Hérelle was soon recognized as a with little regulatory control of their
pioneer. In 1925, he was awarded the contents, the remedies often contained
Leeuwenhoek Medal in microbiology, insufficient amounts of phage, or none
a prize given only once every 10 to 12 at all: accusations of snake-oil medicine
years. Three years later, d’Hérelle, a cast shadows on the whole method.
passionate socialist, allowed the com- Soon, d’Hérelle’s alleged Commu-
mercialization of his most effective nist sympathies, combined with a lack
remedies but reinvested his share of of proper clinical trials and support-
the profits in his research facility. By ing evidence for the efficacy of phages,
1930, commercial preparations of had a chilling impact. Once penicillin
phages were available throughout and other antibiotics were readily

92 november 2020
available after World War II, the treat- firm, both offered to find matching
ment was mostly abandoned, except phages. Gertler was doubtful, but he
in France, Poland and the Soviet Union. ducked into a washroom and took
Although nominated dozens of times swabs from his infection, which the two
for the Nobel Prize, d’Hérelle ended up took home to compare with phages in
a footnote in the history of 20th-century their libraries.
bacteriology. Both researchers were successful: the
Eliava researcher invited him to Georgia
the controversial treatment began a for treatment, while the Israeli sent him
slow return to Canada thanks, in part, the phage solution. Back in Toronto,
to a painful accident. In 1996, a Toronto Gertler knew that only a qualified doc-
stand-up bass player named Alfred tor could administer the phage to the
Gertler fell and broke his ankle so badly gaping hole in his foot. He sent a request
that the bones protruded from his skin. to Health Canada for compassionate-
When the cast was removed, the bones use approval, but it failed on the
had mended but were severely infected. grounds he wasn’t dying. Gertler was
Eventually, the infection spread so reduced to hobbling around to doc-
deep that no antibiotics could reach it, tors’ offices toting the phage and sup-
leaving an open wound that refused to porting documents to plead his case.
heal: despite trying everything, all his But the doctors were spooked. A
doctors could offer to relieve his suf- year before, in Toronto, a woman had
fering was amputation. acquired an antibiotic-resistant infec-
“I was told to give up hope, but I tion in hospital and had been secretly
didn’t,” Gertler says. In early 2000, he treated with phages. The infection dis-
found a New York Times article titled “A appeared, but she died from other com-
Stalinist Antibiotic Alternative” about plications. The doctors involved risked
how phage therapy was practised in censure from the College of Physicians
Georgia. Gertler noted a reference to a and Surgeons, and possibly losing their
biannual international phage biology licenses, for administering a drug that
meeting, which was being held in June didn’t have regulatory approval.
of that year in Montreal. Gertler scraped With all doors closed to him, Gertler
together the money to go and register became the first North American to
as the only non-academic attendee. take the midnight plane to Georgia for
There, he met an American phage phage therapy treatment. At the Eliava
researcher who urged him to go to Institute, the phage treatment doctors
Georgia. Two other researchers at the administered into his foot was essen-
conference, one from the Eliava Insti- tially the same mix as one that
tute and one from an Israeli biotech d’Hérelle had brought to the institute

rd.ca 93
reader’s digest

in the 1930s, regularly maintained and AMR and should be scaling up research
updated every six months, as d’Hérelle and programs to address it.”
had advised. One year from the time Strathdee argues that Canada has
Gertler first read about phages, his lagged in funding phage therapy
foot had largely recovered. “I’m stand- research partly because it has simply
ing here. I’m not in pain. I’m healthy,” failed to catalogue the enormity of the
says Gertler. “I was cured of some- need for it. “Without the scientists really
thing that was not officially curable.” knowing the scope of the problem, the
public doesn’t know either,” she says.
canada could take a cue from other “And without the public knowing,
nations whose initiatives are riding the there’s no impetus for dedicating
current wave of phage therapy. In 2018, research support to that problem.”
Belgium became the first country in Regulators are another major hur-
Western Europe to officially allow phage dle. Physicians and researchers had
therapy without requiring extensive petitioned the U.S. Food and Drug
testing in clinical trials: pharmacists Administration and Health Canada to
there can now sell phages upon pre- adjust their clinical trial requirements
scription and approval by a physician. to take into account the special prob-
Cost projections for the plan also ensure lems raised in treating humans with
that researchers’ work of characteriz- phages. A standard clinical trial has
ing and purifying phages is adequately four phases and can involve hundreds
compensated. Some researchers believe or thousands of patients and control
the Belgian approach would also work participants. Unlike antibiotics, how-
in Canada if this country had a central- ever, both the phage and the host bac-
ized system for manufacturing and teria often evolve during treatment,
testing the phages. making each case unique. One basic
Different critics have different theo- requirement in a standard clinical trial
ries of exactly why Canada continues to is consistent application from patient
lag. Toronto-born epidemiologist Stef- to patient, but administering phages to
fanie Strathdee founded the American large numbers of people makes this
non-profit Center for Innovative Phage virtually impossible.
Applications and Therapeutics (IPATH) Despite these obstacles, two new
after she convinced doctors to treat her and hopeful methodologies recently
husband with phages and helped save helped save the life of a 15-year-old CF
his life. In a blunt Globe and Mail op-ed patient in the United Kingdom. The
DANIEL WOOD

in March 2019, she wrote, “Canada first was a holy grail: genetically engin-
should take a leading role, not a back eered phages, two of which were suc-
seat, in the prevention and treatment of cessfully used in the girl’s treatment.

94 november 2020
 Jonathan
Dennis’ Alberta
lab houses a
phage bank
with hundreds
of samples.
reader’s digest

Engineered phages, unlike phages in of thousands elsewhere. Dennis believes

their natural state, can be patented superbugs are the most urgent threat
along with other ways to replicate to humankind. “Climate change can be
phages’ power, such as synthesizing terrifying and very real,” says Dennis,
their bacteria-destroying enzymes. “but long before we succumb to cli-
They are of great interest to biotech mate change, multidrug-resistant bac-
firms, and by the time these products teria will decimate us.”
are ready for clinical trials, the regula- Dennis, for one, hasn’t given up.
tory regime may be more flexible. COVID-19 has put on hold a phage ther-
The other breakthrough in this case apy working group he’d formed with
relied on crowdsourcing. The third several lung transplant doctors, and
phage used in the girl’s treatment was the research funding roller coaster has
found in 2010 in the soil scraped from ground to a halt. But he is still in his lab
a rotting eggplant by an undergrad stu- matching phages to superbugs, ready
dent in South Africa. Her discovery to help save a life when called upon.
stemmed from a novel project at the That doesn’t yet include Jeff Sum-
University of Pittsburgh that encour- merhayes. Two years ago, despite his
ages interested students to locate sister’s push for phage therapy, his
phages and characterize their proper- doctors treated him with an experi-
ties. Dennis and other researchers in mental antibiotic. So far, he’s OK. His
Canada have proposed a similar proj- doctors don’t know if the superbug is
ect, Phage Canada, three times in gone forever or is hiding, undetected, in
recent years—but their grant applica- his body. But regardless of the outcome
tions were rejected. of his battle with B. cenocepacia, Sum-
merhayes says he has no doubts about
maybe it’s the grim risks of not follow- the value of his case and of the need for
ing through that will ultimately moti- more patients to have access to phages.
vate change. The UN’s most recent “If I can, by speaking up, help some-
report on AMR says an unprecedented body else get phage therapy that will
effort by all nations is required to avert save their life,” he says, “that would be
disaster. Bacterially infected patients absolutely amazing.”
are dying daily by the thousands in
© 2019, MARK CZARNECKI. FROM “PHAGE CRUSADE,”
high-income countries and by the tens MAISONNEUVE (WINTER, 2019), MAISONNEUVE.ORG

Light the Way

I am not a person who reaches for the moon as long as I have the stars.
GERTRUDE EDERLE, FIRST WOMAN TO SWIM ACROSS ENGLISH CHANNEL

96 november 2020
 Here are return claims/
DOWN TO BUSINESS excuses that employees
have had to deal with:
“I dried these boots
by the fire, and the
soles melted.”
“I bought a different
car, and this roof rack
doesn’t fit.”
“A bear slashed
my tent.”
“These river sandals
aren’t sexy enough.”
— ADVENTURE-JOURNAL.COM

Funny Bones
If I were an X-ray tech-
nician, after I took the
first X-ray I’d say,
“Okay, now let’s do
“Altogether, including the discount, your rewards card, a goofy one.”
the coupon you brought in, your store credit and today’s — BROTI GUPTA,
blowout sale, after tax it’ll still be unaffordable.” comedy writer

I was browsing in the “Yes,” I said, “but I Courier Problems

men’s department at really don’t need it.” What happens when
Neiman Marcus when Without missing a you rearrange the let-
a knitted black designer beat, she replied, “We ters of MAILMEN? They
blazer caught my eye. don’t sell things that get really upset.
Although the tag said it people need.” — @DADSAYSJOKES
was on sale, it still cost — JOE CAPUTO
more than I cared to
Are you in need of some
spend. Tempting fate, Customers can take
professional motivation?
I tried it on. Just then, a advantage of a gener- Send us a work anecdote,
YASIN OSMAN

saleswoman appeared. ous return policy at REI, and you could receive
“It fits you perfectly,” a camping-gear com- $50. To submit your
she said. pany. How generous? stories, visit rd.ca/joke.

rd.ca 97
reader’s digest

BRAINTEASERS

Star Search
Moderately difficult Place stars in

(STAR SEARCH) FRASER SIMPSON; (A FRIENDLY NEIGHBOURHOOD) RODERICK KIMBALL - ENIGAMI.FUN

seven cells of this grid so that every
row, every column and every bolded,
outlined region contains exactly one
star. Stars must never be located in
adjacent cells, not even diagonally.
Can you find the solution?

n A Friendly Neighbourhood
Moderately Difficult Astor, Basuri, Cruz,
Derringer, Erikson and Feng each live in one
of the six houses in the neighbourhood shown.
The houses are purple, brown, green, blue,
yellow and orange. From the statements
below, see if you can determine where each
neighbour lives and what colour their house is.
Astor: I can walk to a brown house without
crossing any streets.
Basuri: My house is northeast of a yellow one.
Cruz: There is a green house southwest of mine.
Derringer: I live directly between a green
house and an orange house.
Feng: I can’t see the purple house from mine
because Cruz’s house is directly in the way.

98 november 2020
 70 60

Place Your Chips 10 10 40

Easy You have a stack of poker chips
that are each worth $5, $10 or $25. You 50
need to place them on the squares of
this grid—but no more than one chip
per square—so their value totals the
25 65
amount of dollars shown for each row,
column and long diagonal. Not every 90
square needs to have a chip on it. Sev-
eral chips and one blank space (desig- 5 10 35
nated by a star) have been placed to get
you started. Can you finish the grid? 15 40 90 60 75
(PLACE YOUR CHIPS) FRASER SIMPSON; (FILL IN THE BLOCK; 3-2-1 CONTACT) DARREN RIGBY

15
3-2-1 Contact
Difficult Enter the
numbers from 1 to 3 11
16 into the grid
(some of them have 16 6
been given). No
two numbers that
Fill in the Block share a common factor may be in horizontally or
Moderately difficult Here vertically adjacent boxes. For example, 4 and 6
are two identical shapes. can’t be in adjacent boxes because they share a
How many more of them factor of 2. We’re not counting 1 as a factor, so
do you need to make the 1 may be adjacent to anything. Every pair of
smallest possible rectangle adjacent boxes that contain adjacent numbers
with no holes in it? You (4 and 5, for example) is marked with a dot.
can’t move the two shapes With these rules, there’s only one solution.
already in place. Can you find it?

For answers, turn to PAGE 103

rd.ca 99
reader’s digest

11. In which city can

TRIVIA you ski down the sloped
roof of an electricity-
producing incinerator?
BY Beth Shillibeer
12. NASA has tested
equipment in Chile’s Ata-
cama Desert, because it’s
1. BBC sports commenta- 6. The international cos- similar to which planet?
tor Andrew Cotter has metics retailer Lush sells
made popular home “naked” products, which 13. Which poses a
videos featuring contests don’t include what? greater threat to under-
between whom? sea fibre-optic cables:
7. After a hiatus in gospel, sharks or fishing boats?
2. The 2020 winner of the who returned to rock ’n’
Oscar for Best Documen- roll in the early 1960s, 14. Which country called
tary (Short Subject) fea- with The Beatles as his its 2019 national budget
tures Afghan girls per- opening act? “The Wellbeing Budget”
forming what sport? because it focused on
8. Which Canadian areas such as mental
3. What geographic fea- province or territory health?
tures does IKEA usually has the highest propor-
name its bathroom prod- tion of elected female
ucts after? legislators?

4. According to a 2013 9. Where did South Korea

survey, what demo- recently send coronavirus-
graphic asks nearly 300 protection gear, out of
questions per day? gratitude to Korean
War veterans?
5. What board game is
purportedly not played 10. Who said: “A man 15. What cartoon charac-
ESSANAY STUDIOS/PUBLIC DOMAIN

by the British royal family dies when he refuses to ter drew inspiration from
because it makes the take a stand for that Charlie Chaplin and turns
players too vicious? which is true”? 92 this November?

14. New Zealand. 15. Mickey Mouse.

9. The Navajo Nation. 10. Martin Luther King Jr. 11. Copenhagen. 12. Mars. 13. Fishing boats.
4. Young children. 5. Monopoly. 6. Packaging. 7. Little Richard. 8. The Northwest Territories.
Answers: 1. His two dogs, Olive and Mabel. 2. Skateboarding. 3. Scandinavian bodies of water.

100 november 2020

 WORD POWER

10. dark horse—A: little-

A strong grasp of election terminology known candidate achiev-
gives power to the people. See if you can ing surprising success.
B: controversial legisla-
pick out the winning definitions. tion. C: black limousine.

11. canvass—A: sup-

BY Linda Besner
press votes. B: compare
political platforms.
C: solicit votes.
1. barnstorm—A: tour votes wins. B: survey
an area for a campaign. taken as voters leave the 12. proportional repre-
B: dominate the rural polling station. C: open- sentation—A: designat-
vote. C: speak at length ing debate question. ing seats for members of
on tangential topics. minority groups. B: sys-
6. incumbent—A: income tem where parties gain
2. manifesto—A: hand- distribution within a riding seats in proportion to
shake photo op. B: public or district. B: person hold- their votes. C: giving
declaration of aims. ing an office. C: debate shorter speaking times
C: figurehead. moderator. to smaller parties.

3. muckraker—A: poli- 7. psephology—study of 13. suffrage—A: perse-

tician who purposely A: voting-machine cution. B: tax hike.
sows division. B: official design. B: elections. C: right to vote.
opposition. C: someone C: persuasion.
who seeks and publi- 14. acclamation—A: vic-
cizes scandals. 8. caucus—A: rowdy tory because there is only
discussion. B: a party’s one candidate. B: voting
4. grassroots—A: of elected members. by calling out “Aye” or
ordinary people. B: fun- C: coalition government. “Nay.” C: voter apathy.
damentalist. C: prioritiz-
ing the environment. 9. turnout—A: exposé. 15. sortition—A: select-
B: politician who switches ing public officials by
5. first past the post— party allegiance. C: per- lottery. B: making a vot-
A: system in which the centage of registered vot- ing decision. C: spoiling
candidate with the most ers who cast ballots. a ballot.

rd.ca 101
reader’s digest

WORD POWER 6. incumbent—B: person proportion to their votes;

ANSWERS holding an office; as, The
Canadian House of Com-
as, British Columbia has
rejected proportional rep-
mons has a transition resentation three times.
program to help defeated
1. barnstorm—A: tour incumbents find other jobs. 13. suffrage—C: right to
an area for a campaign; vote; as, Although the
as, The party leader barn- 7. psephology—B: study Inuit gained federal suf-
stormed the province’s of elections; as, After frage in 1950, few ballot
northern towns. founding a psephology boxes were placed in Inuit
website, Éric Grenier was communities before 1962.
2. manifesto—B: public hired by the CBC.
declaration of aims; as, 14. acclamation—A: vic-
Lord Buckethead, a satiri- 8. caucus—B: a party’s tory because there is only
cal candidate in Britain, elected members; as, The one candidate; as, In
published a manifesto MP voiced her concerns 2012, six of Saskatche-
proposing to nationalize at a caucus meeting wan’s mayors won by
the singer Adele. behind closed doors. acclamation.

3. muckraker—C: some- 9. turnout—C: amount 15. sortition—A: select-

one who seeks and publi- of registered voters who ing politicians by lottery;
cizes scandals; as, A cast ballots; as, Turnout at as, Practiced in Ancient
muckraker discovered Quebec’s 1995 referen- Athens, sortition has
the leading candidate’s dum was 93.5 per cent. present-day supporters.
marriage was in trouble.
10. dark horse—A: little-
4. grassroots—A: of known candidate achiev- CROSSWORD
ordinary people; as, Black ing surprising success; ANSWERS
Lives Matter is a grass- as, Stéphane Dion was
roots movement with no a dark horse for the Lib- FROM PAGE 104
formal hierarchy. eral leadership.
R C A F E L I
D E D
T H A I R E O
I L S
5. first past the post— 11. canvass—C: solicit S E A L E D A D
E A L
A: system in which the votes; as, The campaign T R O V E
S
candidate with the most office organized teams to W I T H I C E O L D
votes wins; as, If there are canvass each street. A C H Y M F O R
S K I A T R I F L E
more than two options, R E G I N A
first past the post can result 12. proportional repre- K I S S A N D T E L L
in leadership supported sentation—B: system G E T S I T A D E E
by a minority of voters. where parties gain seats in B R Y A N S S W A K

102 november 2020

 BRAINTEASERS
ANSWERS SUDOKU

FROM PAGE 98 BY Jeff Widderich

Star Search
7 9 1 8
8 1
5 2 8 9
A Friendly
Neighbourhood 8 6 4
Erikson Basuri
orange
Derringer
purple
Cruz
4 9
yellow blue
Astor Feng 7 2 6
green Brown

Place Your Chips

4 9 7 1
10 10 10 10 6 5
10 25 10 5

5 25 10 25
2 5 6 4
5 10 25 25 25

5 10 5 5 10
To Solve This Puzzle

Put a number from 1 to 9 in

Fill in the Block
Six more.
each empty square so that: SOLUTION
3 4 8 6 1 5 9 2 7
One possible )every horizontal row and 5 7 9 4 2 3 1 8 6
arrangement is shown. vertical column contains all 6 1 2 7 9 8 3 4 5
nine numbers (1-9) without 8 5 6 2 4 1 7 3 9
3-2-1 Contact repeating any of them; 9 2 1 8 3 7 5 6 4
2 15 8 7 7 3 4 9 5 6 8 1 2
13 4 5 12 )each of the outlined 3 x 3
4 9 7 3 8 2 6 5 1
1 6 3 5 7 4 2 9 8
10 3 14 11 boxes has all nine numbers, 2 8 5 1 6 9 4 7 3
9 16 1 6 none repeated.

rd.ca 103
reader’s digest

CROSSWORD

Word of Mouth 38 Love letter letters based

on the first words of 13-,
16-, 25- and 30-Across

BY Barbara Olson DOWN

1 Some CFL positions
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 2 Revolutionary Guevara
3 Skinny battery size
11 12 4 Like a pigsty
5 Brian Goldman at Mount
13 14 Sinai Hosp.
6 Soldier’s sabbatical
15 7 Women’s charity org.
8 Peters out
16 17 18 19 20 21 9 It might be the end
for Pam?
22 23 10 Alternative to cable
or fibre
24 25 26 27
14 Verdi’s “Eri ___”
16 Follower of “Fuzzy
28 29
Wuzzy”?
30 31 32 33 34 17 “Eww!”
18 Needing a drink
35 36 20 Digital chuckle
21 Dr. of rap
37 38 23 Sporty Mazdas whose
name means “reward”
25 From the top
ACROSS 23 Dial ___ Murder 26 Colourist’s array
1 The Snowbirds mil. org. 24 Go cross-country, say 27 Sphere-shaped: Abbr.
5 Omitted, as a syllable 25 The merest amount 29 Fem. “it”, in Italy
11 Pad ___ (noodle dish) 28 Saskatchewan’s capital 30 Soviet spy agcy.
12 Tends to a squeak again 30 Blab about one’s love life 31 Suffix with cloth or cash
13 Had fruitful business 35 Doesn’t need the joke 32 Part of P.E.I.: Abbr.
talks, say explained 33 Perrins’s partner in
15 Treasure collections 36 “Bump bump ___” (The the sauce
16 On the rocks, at the bar Wiggles song lyric) 34 Albanian coin
19 Like yesterday’s news 37 Hockey player Hextall
22 Feeling a workout and singer Ferry For answers, turn to PAGE 102

104 november 2020

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

THE LOS T HIS T ORY OF THE T RANSATL ANT IC SL AVE TRADE

NEW SERIES
OCT 18 | SUN 9/9:30 NT